#but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!

[toastsnaffler]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

[hanniebanggi]

𝐓𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐞 • 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐢 𝐒𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐨𝐥

Warnings: oc is implied as a girl, mild cursing, tell me if i missed anything, tyyy.

you would've thought that seungcheol would be so strict since he's already the acting leader even before seventeen's debut days. he's been telling the members to follow the rules and try to live with it.

there are hundreds of rules back then as a trainee.

don't leave the practice room when you're practicing.

don't leave the dorm after the selected curfew.

don't go to the girl trainees practice room.

blah blah blah. he shoved all those rules forcefully on every members, reminding them everyday, when seungcheol himself can't even follow it. the reason? you.

you're under pledis as a trainee waiting to debut as a solo artist. you've seen the boys quite sometime. and you're lucky enough to develop something with one trainee, choi seungcheol.

you remember your first day at pledis, introducing yourself to everyone. and you definitely noticed seungcheol, especially when he's just staring at you without any shame, he wouldn't even stop staring if it's not for jihoon who smacked the back of his head.

and everything after that became blurry, seungcheol shooting his shot on you, and when you started dating. you were so scared, you wouldn't even look at him and the other boy trainees when you passed by them at the company.

but seungcheol is hardheaded, and he likes seeing you and touching you. well, he likes the thrill of being caught all sweet and cheesy with you, but he won't tell you that ofcourse.

one time, you were late from your practice due to your studies, so you were left alone at the girls practice room, almost late at night, all sweaty, dancing to snsd's 'i got a boy'.

when you heard a screeching sound made by the door as you turned you head from the sound, seeing seungcheol peeking at you with the biggest lovesick smile plasteref on his face.

he didn't wait more as he started walking while his arms are wide open as he's reaching you.

"babe, i miss you! i haven't been able to see you the whole day." he said as he hugged you tightly.

"what are you doing here?! you're not allowed here! what if someone sees us?! we don't know if the cameras already off, what if its still on?!" you exclaimed as you push him away from you.

"they're not on anymore, im sure of that. its 10 pm already."

"cheol, this is against the rules. what if we get kicked out?!"

he snickered a stubborn smirk, as he gently grabbed your face.

"well, shit. rules are meant to be broken anyways. now, can you give the love and attention that i came here for?"

"ugh, cheol. you're such a pain the ass sometimes." as you cling both your arms around his waist, looking up at him as he's quite taller than you.

"what can you say? i'm quite the troublemaker, y/n."

[vulnonapix1234]

Not me cooking up a new au!

Dragon Ace for the win!

I say as I post a picture of his parents being disgustingly in love.

Basically, Rouge and Ace are the survivors of a once great race:

The dragon-skins, a nomadic race of mostly human looking people. Their bodies possed crystal like scales and horns, with the ability to turn into fire breathing Dragons.

They were hunted down by the celestial Dragons, till only a handful of them walked the land as free people.

Because of this, those survivors learned to hide their true nature until they were nearly indistinguishable to humans.

Now. Whilst the Whitebeard Pirates knew Rouge and her relationship with Roger, Whitebeard also knew that the man was infertile due to his sickness.

It was a shame, considering how much the man loved his wife and how much he fantasised spawning a little devil that would raise hell with her.

After his friend died and he tried to find Rouge, but when he found her remains, he believed that she died from depression, not knowing about the infant that was dropped off by some bandits.

When Thatch brought that little lizard to the ship, he didn't even make that connection.

The little thing, Jalapeño as his son called it, was quite the adorable thing. At least when it wasn't biting them.

It would often nap on his lap or in the sun, or chase after his children like a little kitten wanting to play or cuddle.

Their new pet was also extremely smart, being able to differentiate between the different family members, fetch them things when asked, and being as much as a help as a menace on the ship.

(He is pretty sure that his beloved daughter weaponized it to make him take his medicine and rest. Having a small animal give him sad eyes and pushing the alcohol out of his hand was a lot more effective than he would have liked. Not that he could ever prove it)

Everyone was heartbroken when it went missing after an altercation with the marines.

No matter where they searched, they couldn't find it.

They only learned what really happened when Thatch was attacked by Teach, when everyone was awoke by an loud crash and growl that seeminglt shook the entire ship.

Now. The all knew that Ace was Rouges kid from the moment he tried to take Whitebeards head.

Not only because of their surname and how much they looked alike, but because they had the same intensity when fighting.

(Some of the older members nearly fainted because they thought that he was the second coming of Rouge)

They also knew that he was Rogers rumoured son that somehow survived the infanticide.

(Their laughter and smiles are so alike that Whitebeard still gets that pang longing whenever he sees and hears it)

Anyway. This knowledge about his heritage didn't translate to them realizing that Ace could turn into a dragon like Rouge.

Only when they saw that big monster looming over their brother, a dagger buried in its shoulders, the curtain fell before their eyes.

Thatch, the person most affected by the loss of his first pet, recognized his little jalapeño despite the shock of nearly getting back stabbed by a brother.

After they got Ace patched up and realized what Teach tried to do (he was still able to flee with the devil fruit), the young man had to explain himself.

Apparently, he never mentioned his dragon-skin nature because he was afraid.

Celestial Dragons believed themselves to be the owners of his race and he knew that they would come for him.

Sure, they were the strongest crew in the world, but those bastards were on a different level.

He still remembers the fire made to please them, burning away so many lives.

There is also the fact that he grew up believing that they just forgot about him after garp brought him home.

It was also this feeling of abandonment, which made him want to hurt their dad.

It also made it harder for him to connect to his treasure, pushing people away from him despite his instincts telling him otherwise.

Only when Luffy, his brother by proxy, was hurt because of his loyalty to him, did he understand his mistake.

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

Scarborough Ahoy! (1994 Short Film)- Day 4 Watching Con's Filmography

Live posting. All I know is this is sad(don't know why), short, and that Con is good (and queer) in it. Watching it in 480p, so we'll see.

YELL AT ME BELOW! I NEED YALLS OPINIONS ON THIS!

Warnings for: Suicidal Ideation, full body nudity.

Also, the movies description describes Con as the 'Gay Guy' and 'Barmaid'. So 'Con' and 'Barmaid' is what I'm calling them. I'll specify Con the Actor.

Casually kicking a one-night stand out; GET IT GIRL. Didn't expect that level of nudity, but here we are.

CONNNN! He's slightly older in this one compared to Dancing, and I already don't feel wigged out.

Con's semi-startled look at 'used to get laid all the time'. Me too, babe, me too.

As a person who hates booze, the bar scene made me physically nauseous.

Con, being a bro, and making sure she was alright. Love that for him. She needs a friend.

HAHAHA Hell yeah, stick up for yourself Con, he's queer, and the guy getting you a coffee.

God, gender fucking envy. And coat envy, that thing looks warm as shit. I missed when my hair was that length(Con's). Shame I need to be more feminine presenting where I live.

DAMN. I wish I was that confident in my driving. She backed up with SPEED.

HELL YEAH, TRIP TO FIND MEN BABY! God, I know England isn't affordable to anyone, especially foreigners, but god its nice to be able to drive that in a day and actually go somewhere

Con, stop wearing my dream wardrobe. I want that fucking sweater.

OH MY GOD. This is real ally behavior, compete to see who gets more guys

Synchronize watches! The confidence into immediate, oh shit, how the fuck do i do this on both their faces is great.

Santa, fuck off.

(Con making out with a guy)Now. How the fuck haven't I seen gifs of this. tumblr, I'm surprised you weren't hornier.

SHE CHOSE SANTA. Mam, have some self-respect. I hope he is at least a gentle lover? Laughing as he goes down on you probably isn't great.

AWWW. The way they watched out for each other after getting laid. Happily just walking down the road. Oh my god, help her up. BRO, GET THE FUCK UP OFF THE ROAD.

He straight up said 'boyfriend'. Damn, love short indie films.

24? Fuck him babe, old my ass

Okay, I thought Con was going to say his guy died, not cheated. I'm trained too well in modern......OHH SHIT, whelp (he killed himself)

Babes, please learn to love yourselves.

BANGIN SOUNDTRACK

I Love that they coordinate outfits, either accidentally or not. They are the crew. Hell yeah, the ass-grabbing! Get sailor ass.

Now, mushy peas seems like hell. Actual worse thing on earth

'What's brought this on, catholic guilt?' Mood

'Feels great, sometimes not so great'

'What about love, then.' Awww babe

What game are they playing with all those colors, looks fun as shit. CON LOOKS SO HAPPY. LET THIS MAN PLAY HAPPY PEOPLE. He just fucking giggled, god damn it.

This seems like a nice road trip to mentally reset life for a bit.

Guys, if they're being passively suicidal, then at least they've got each other. See, they pushed and they still wanted to live. Cute shit.

Sexuality being fluid! Great to see this, especially for the 90s.

Love the respecting of boundaries; they both really needed to talk before moving forward. Great shit. It's probably her feeling guilty for 'tempting a gay' but... That feels depressing, so fluidity I will choose.

"Well, you can fix it; you did a course in auto mechanics, didn't you." Hahahaha

GAY EARING ON THE DRIVER. I love that Con's getting as much action as he is.

Nice of her to give them space, ally behavior

CONS HAIR

EXCUSE ME MAM, LET HIM FUCK. RUDE. Stand up for yourself CON! They're just friends. If she wanted more, she needs to communicate that. He's pulling his own and trying to reach out to find a middle ground cause he knows she's angry. I love that he comforts her even though he has every right to escalate this into a fight.

Awww, she saved him the head puzzle piece. Love that he smacked it down. His fucking grin.

THE LITTLE SHUFFLE DANCE. Also, this fucker is stealing my wardrobe again.

OH MY GOD WALTZING. I LOVE IT. Bitch, this is the most romantic thing I've ever seen. THE CINDERELLA SONG! AWWWWWWW. I love them. Bro has to understand how many mixed signals he's sending out here.

Going to the dockyard doesn't end happily in these sorts of films.

He's having thoughts and needs to fuck them out. Fair, she's gorgeous.

SHIT CALLED IT

RUN! GO HELP HIM

At least she realized pretty early that he was out too late.

(Con is revealed beaten up and bloody)SHITTTTTTT Well, that's a head wound. Scuffed hands. Okay, good, I thought he fucking died.

GIVE THE MAN A HUG

AWWW HE SAID HE LOVES HER

DON'T FUCKING LEAVE YOU JACKASS. I've read dozens of fanfic like this. DOZENS

NOOOOOOOOOOO. WHY STOP THIS NOW! I NEED A FULL MOVIE GOD DAMN IT.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Con's Characters Sexuality Discussion: There are two options here. He's 'gay' as described in the film's synopsis or more fluid in a modern sense. Again, he's willing to fuck her, and clearly cares for her. Who knows if he was 'pushing his limits' and this is why she turned him down. The I love you could be romantic/sexual love, or the love of a friend. Both readings are perfectly valid by the text. The short film ends here to not answer the question and keep it ambiguous.

I'm flipping between this movie being about their friendship and finding someone to be comfortable with, or two people used to having one night stands falling in love. You know what. Both are right! (As a queer who says I love you to my straight friends. Calls them beautiful and does all of the shit Con does here, yeah, the waters are murky, who said you alone need to filter it to solve the art)

I can see a happy ending where they grow to be close friends for the rest of their lives, or just making it a probably short-lived relationship. They're both young and impulsive and need to work on themselves a bit before getting serious, but I hope they can keep this little corner of the world safe.

Cinematography(7/10): Fun! About what to expect from a short film. Nonintrusive editing.

Actors besides Con (8/10): I LOVED THE BARMAID. God, she's so fucking sweet and just needs someone in her corner. She's fun, cocky, and bullheaded in a way that fit's with Con's character. I loved their friendship. I love that she's worried about that and doesn't want to push boundaries. I wish this was a longer movie, I want to see them learning to love themselves and having each other there. Everyone else was unmemorable.

CON! The Actor 10/10: He seems more comfortable in this role than in Dancing. It makes him a more likeable character. Likely due to the size of the project, and experience. He seems like he's found his groove here, and I wish we got to see more of it. Seeing him actually flirt was a joy. Again, personally, I think the 'I love you' could be from a gay 'bff' perspective or he genuinely loves her. I love that they just feel safe with each other which is clearly what they need. Love con's look, dialogue, and everything about how he held himself. He seemed like he really opened up to her verses how Con's character acted at the beginning of the movie. That can be really hard to pull off

Story 9/10: Really fucking fun. Sweet, they both felt stuck in a rut and finally made a friend that understood them. The dialogue/writing is so fucking inspiring as I try to write fun dialogue.

REWATCHABILITY: I would say that compared to the downers I watched yesterday, this overtakes Vengeance. It helps that it's so short.

9/10. I hate giving perfect 10s when I haven't seen everything, but god is this so close. I can totally see myself giving this a retroactive 10. Writing this overview I felt like I was balancing on a tight rope trying to 'figure out' the right ending. But that's kind of the point. The relationship they build is a comfort in a shitty world, and it's fucking beautiful.

I know people said it was sad, but I found it really hopeful? They're still living their shitty lives, but they're not alone anymore.

NEXT! Still plan on Cucumber, 3 steps to heaven for weird Con, and whatever I feel in the moment. Rewatching Blood brothers today with the Brother, so wish me luck.

(I linked some people who commented last post, thanks for the comments as always!)

@treesofgreen

@ivegotnonameidea

[slightlyaboveaverageiq]

A Black Rose Among Sunflowers (part 1)

A/N: Okay so a couple things 1. this story is dark, not dark!Reid but part mentions of CSA, childhood sexual abuse, alcohol addiction, PTSD from the CSA, abusive relationships, and domestic violence. The story while also have allusions to dark smutty books such as Haunting Adeline and other books ive read and those come with their own trigger warning so you may want to look at those before reading this. Also we don't kink shame anyone who likes these things CONSENSUALLY and who are above the age of 18. You do you baby boos, that being said minors DNI.

Word Count 2.2k

I bit my lip and gently pushed my key in the lock, it was late, later than I had originally told Casey i would be but with any luck he would have drank himself into oblivion and I would just be able to sneak in. The lights were all out and I breathed a sigh of relief as I pushed the door shut quietly behind me, freezing as the click of the lock seemed to echo through the apartment. I walked down the hallway and placed my keys on the counter not wanting to take the chance of the sound of metal hitting glass waking Casey up. I walked into the kitchen and rolled my eyes seeing the dirty dishes from what I presumed to be just enough dinner to keep him from throwing up like a sloppy drunk but not enough to take his buzz away. Checking the fridge I confirmed my suspicions that he didn't make enough for two, I would probably get some drunken rambling about “If you just cared about me as much as your slut stories we might have dinner together everyone once in a while.” Well maybe if I wasnt subjected to mediocre sex that lasted all of seven minutes with someone who didn't smell like a damn distillery I might not need to live in the world of make believe smutty daddies. I mean honestly who wants to just have their cervix poked awkwardly while their boyfriend completely misses their clit and then gets mad they didnt get off?

“You’re late Addie.” I stilled at the sound of his voice and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. Casey had stayed up waiting for me several times and it always led to a confrontation, usually just ending in words being exchanged, maybe a broken glass or two thrown by either one of us, and a ‘whore’ followed by a ‘fuck you’ and me slamming the door and walking to Gabriella (my sister’s house) to sleep for the night. But this…no the energy was off tonight his voice was condescendly sweet and his hands trailed along the back of my neck but the pressure suggested this wasn’t out of concern. No, he was absolutely livid but yet he was calm as a priest and all of the alarm bells went off in my brain.

“I…I lost track of time. And when i saw how late it was i just thought-”

“Thought i would forget and be asleep? Thought Casey’s probably already passed out cold so i might as well just keep doing whatever the fuck I want? Even though I’m in a goddamn relationship and should be at home?” I shivered and moved to step around him but his hand closed around the back of my scalp tightly, my blue tinted hair being ripped out by the root. A sharp cry left my mouth and I instantly clapped a hand over my mouth but it was already too late. Casey had heard it and that meant so had potentially the neighbors, and Casey sure as hell wasn’t going back to jail. A harsh slap came across my cheek and I fell to the ground. I raised my head to look at him but all I got was a faceful of the bottom of his work boots before a sickening squelsh was heard as it made contact with my eye. I'm actually pretty sure the toe of his boot got stuck in my eye goop for a second. Gross. 

“One of us has to pay the rent, and we know damn well it’s not going to be you.” Why the hell did my adhd and my inability to filter my thoughts have to make its appearance right now? Apparently my brain just doesn't understand the idea of self preservation because instead of making a break for the door in Casey’s moment of stunned silence I just stood there staring him down like I’m 6’2” instead of 5’2”. I always joked with my sister Gabriella that men couldnt hurt me because of our father, that a 6 '1'' 200 something pound man beating the shit out of a 6 year old and me surviving meant i could square up with anyone. Like an older sister would be she was mortified and tried to get me to see reason. Mainly: No Adrienne just because you survived horrific child abuse does NOT mean you should go out seeking conflict with grown men just to prove yourself. Alas, my sister got all of the common sense and I got all of the anger issues which has led to my current predicament.

“The FUCK did you just say to me you stupid bitch?” Come on brain do something don’t just have me stand here like a fucking idiot. Casey reached for me but I dodged out of the way picking up one of the sausage pokers (is that what they're called? Whatever the prong looking kitchen utensil you shove inside meat to flip it over, I'd rather shove it up Casey’s meat though). He paused for a moment before he let out a hearty laugh and to be honest if this were a scene in a movie I would probably be laughing too, like what kind of dumb bitch picks up a sausage poker instead of KNIFE when they're in the middle of a domestic assault in their kitchen? “Come on little love, we both know you're not going to do anything with that. Put it down and be a good girl and suck my cock and I might not leave too many bruises' ' I felt my stomach twist at his words and was instantly thrown back to an eerily similar conversation with my father when I was 9. 9 year old little me who couldnt fight back when he would beat me black and blue with a belt, little 9 year old me that couldnt fight back as he savagely raped me because ‘this is how daddies show their love now be a good little girl and suck my cock’

“Fuck off Casey…just just get out.” He was walking closer to me and my blue eyes widened seeing that 1. His pupils were huge and 2. Casey had an erection. Ew, who the hell gets turned on being threatened to be stabbed is this like the backwards version of Haunting Adeline? Only it's not a gun going up a pussy, it's a sausage poker going..well anywhere i can get him really. He walked closer to me again and I swung the poked at him. “I said get out you cunt” His eyes narrowed and he lunged at me, I closed my eyes and moved the poker forward and twisted when i felt it come in contact with his skin. OH GOD I was twisting around the muscle inside Casey’s leg. I watched him fall to the ground and thankfully I gained a brain cell in the process and practically ripped my door off the hinges fleeing in the process. Not paying attention to where my legs were taking me just wanting to put as much distance between Casey and myself in case he magically became the hulk and ran after me. I sighed when I saw the 24/7 cafe Lilianna’s appear in my vision. I threw the door open and I'm sure I looked a sight because Lilliana dropped the latte she was pouring causing the customer to frown and turn to see what could have caused the beverage to be spilled.

“Adrienne-” I was about to brush her off but the man was already standing and held my chin in his hand forcing my chin up so he could look at my eye, or whatever was left of it and dear sweet jesus I’m pretty sure this man is what inspires the smutty authors because he is both delicious and terrifying. 

“What happened?” His voice was low and gravelly, obviously physically and judging by the cold calculatedness in his eyes probably emotionally exhausted. His hazel eyes stared into mine, at least they looked hazel blood pouring out of your eye really fucks up you vision. Some kind of badge and gun situated on his right hip, ah law enforcement then, no wonder he jumped up so quickly. For a moment I thought about lying but something about his face suggested it would be a bad idea.

“Dr. Reid if I may…Casey Thomas is a nasty piece of work, that's her boyfriend.” Lilliana’s voice was soft but also strangled, poor woman I was going to have to buy multiple coffees for the rest of my life to make up for the trauma I'm sure I just caused her to witness. His eyebrows raised in a silent question and I nodded my head because apparently shock is you know a thing and I’m fairly certain I'm slipping into it now that the adrenaline has worn off. 

“Let’s go.” In hindsight I probably should have fought harder to stay with Lilliana because even though this cop has the credentials of a man he's still..well a man and I'm definitely at a disadvantage with my blooded eye and my now bleeding scalp. Should’ve taken the poker with me, I read somewhere if you take impaled objects out, well damn i probably kept the fucker alive keeping it in there. I couldn't help the chuckle that came out of my mouth and Dr. Reid looked down at me worriedly.

“Don’t worry doc im not delirious from blood loss, I was just thinking about how I kept the sausage poker shoved in Casey’s thigh and so I’m probably the only reason that fucker didnt bleed out.” I really probably should've just kept my mouth shut because I don't know how close to a confession that could be to attempted murder and I just admitted that to a cop. A pretty cop but a cop nonetheless. I gave him directions to my apartment and he walked up the stairs, gun drawn, I'm sure he was prepared for a lethal Casey, and to be honest so was I. I waited in the car for him and 15 minutes later he reappeared talking to someone on the phone.

“I’m with her now Em. I'll let you know when I know more. …Yeah her apartment is like two down from mine so you know the address. …Alright see you soon.” He disconnected the call and a tired sigh came out of his mouth before he ran his hands through his unruly hair. “My name is Spencer Reid, I work for the BAU. That was my boss Emily, they're coming to check out your apartment. Casey wasn't there.” I felt a shiver wrack through my body out of fear or just exhaustion I don't know. “I’ll need to take your statement about what happened tonight, but let’s get you cleaned up first.” I nodded and he opened the car door for me and started leading me up the stairs just as black SUVs with flashing blue and red lights appeared in the parking lot.

“Reid!” We both turned around at the voice and a dark brunette woman in a power suit got out of the driver's side and walked over, her hard expression faltering slightly when she saw my bloodied face but it was quickly replaced by a cold, stoic expression. So this must be Emily, definitely a bombshell powerhouse, good for her, fuck the patriarchy and all that jazz.

“This is Adreinne-”

“I’m Adrienne Wilson, even though I guess I resemble something out of a horror film right now. My uh…my boyfriend was drunk and angry that I got back so late, he was waiting for me and I'm sure his boot is now covered in my eye juice. Should've shoved the poker up his sausage but I really didn't want to see that…oh shit can I go to jail for that?” Emily and Spencer both looked at me with a mixture of concern and amusement in their eyes.

“I didn't hear anything. Spencer said he would look you over while we collect evidence from your apartment. Would you like a female member of our team to go with you?” Yes probably should have been the logical answer but I found myself squeezing his hand tighter and slightly hiding behind his larger frame. Emily looked from me, to Spencer, back to me. “Understandable, Reid, bring her back to the office once you get her cleaned up.” He nodded and with a gentle yet firm hand on my lower back he led me to his apartment. I smiled seeing all the books cluttering the area. He disappeared into the bathroom and reappeared with both a soapy cloth and just a warm wet one. He gently cleaned the blood off my face and frowned when he saw my eye.

“You’ll definitely have a black eye but i don't feel any broken bones, can you see how many fingers i’m holding up?” I nodded and answered “Any cloudiness, black spots, halos, or double vision?” I shook my head no.

“Do you think I could…I could take a shower?” I didn't even recognize my own voice. It sounded so small and scared. 

“Your apartment will be unavailable at least until tomorrow…you could use my shower if you wanted though.” I nodded and followed him down the hallway. He showed me the bathroom and gave me a fluffy towel along with a t- shirt and sweatpants before closing the door quietly leaving me alone with just my thoughts.

[crypticsesh]

Pain changes a person.

No one knows this more accurately than myself. At 33 years old, I should be enjoying my life. I should be out having adventures, being happy, and just enjoying all that life has to offer.

My life though actually reads more like a tragic tale of sadness and self despair.

It started with my knees. A small ache here and there. No need to worry. My job had me moving around a lot and maybe I just sprained something. The pain continued to grow throughout the oncoming weeks. Each night I'd lay on the couch with an ice pack on each knee trying to reduce the pain. Nothing seemed to work. I went from walking around like any normal person to barely being able to stand.

Then comes the torturous process of finding a doctor who'll actually see you. The medical system is notably known for fat shaming. Looking at your weight as the sole problem for all your aches and pains and what ales you. So I fought. I fought to be seen. For years. The only answer I ever got was lose weight. Everything would go back to normal if I just lost weight. But how do you lose the weight if you can't walk? How do you begin a physical transformation when you can't physically handle your day to day tasks? The doctors had no answers. So I continued to search.

10 years and a lifetime gone and I found a doctor who actually saw me. We tried various forms of PT, injections, topical gels, pain meds, anti-inflammatory meds, everything. Nothing helped. So after everything failed we tried a last ditch effort to see if weight loss would indeed help. He told me numerous times that my weight MAY be a contributing factor, but it isn't the sole contributing factor. So more medication it was. Weightloss meds were added to my growing medication collection. These days I'm up to 12 pills every morning.

So the medication worked. I lost 50 lbs in two months, but with each pound lost new pain crept into my life. My back started to ache so unbearably bad that I couldn't handle the pain.

We set up an MRI of my back and found the answers we'd been searching for, for so long. Bulging disc's, nerve damage, pinched sciatica, and arthritis. It gave an explanation for everything. I was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease. What it didn't explain was what happened. What caused my back to completely shift to an unbalanced and decaying state? I still don't know. I've never been in a major accident. Never fallen from a great height. There's no explanation for my body to be the way it is.

All this to say, pain changes people. Sometimes slowly. So so slowly. It creeps into your life and carves out its own space deep inside. Killing off the joy, happiness, and beauty that life brings. I've been living in the body of an 80 year old for the past 15 years. The arthritis has spread, and continues to do so at a faster rate then id like.

It's funny, not so much haha funny, but ironic funny...when I was a kid I'd see the older folks sitting and fussing about the weather. Rubbing their joints and saying, "looks like a storm is comin in". I'd look at them with fascination and an understanding that youth brought with it, that they were just silly old folks. They were just making up stories like they do. I'll be damned if my arthritis doesn't flare up when a storm is brewing, when the weather changes, or hell if the wind blows the wrong direction. It's funny how I can look back and remember moments like that. I can look back at all the pictures I took when I was younger and I can see the happiness lit up on my face. I can see my smile reaching my eyes and a glow just burning brightly. I miss that. I miss being happy. I miss seeing the beauty around me. I look in the mirror today and I don't recognize who it is staring back at me. My eyes are dead. There's no glow left in my body. Each day the pain just hammers more and more into my system. Burrowing its way into my soul. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know what my life will look like a year from now, hell 5 years from now. It's scary to think about. To wonder how much more decrepit I'll become.

Throughout all of this I wish I could say I've grown to love my body. That I see how hard it's working and see how beautiful that is.

I'd be lying.

How can you love something that is constantly hurting you more and more each day? How can you give love to something so broken and damaged. I don't know how to accept love. I don't know how to love this body when each day it deteriorates a little more. Leaving me less and less able to do the things I want and need.

Pain changes a person.

It's not always a fast transition. In my case it's taken years. I miss me. Who I used to be. I want so badly to go back to the person I was. I miss her.

I miss who I was before the pain.

[evelyne-am]

22nd March 2023

Day 9

I’m still slacking and to my horror others are struggling too here and there. Most of the cast is finding it tough to remember the new cues and lines and line distributions. We spent two hours on the first five lines today barely getting through the act one. Director is understandably furious. We got a proper yelling because we are just stumbling at every line. He reminds us we haven't even done the first two pages and we have 58 left. The song we open with is the one I made and I havent locked it, so we keep making mistakes on that first opening scene for over an hour.

I feel very angry with myself, even though my lackings are in a different place than others, M is correct when she says that we still haven’t jumped in fully. I wonder if I should stop writing the blog, it makes me feel like I’m still an outsider because I’m writing about it. But I also don’t want to stop because our director is really something and I would like to remember how I have been learning, how he is directing, and also these heightened emotions that I feel that may inspire me later. I already feel myself changing, my tolerance for inefficiency in my own teams is lowering. Even though I’m doing the same thing. Get to 100 percent AM!

We are on the 3rd version now. Originally we had thought it would be each person reads one part and is M1/M2/M3 turn by turn. 2nd version we played her at the same time, line by line like we are one person. Today's version seems final. There is only one M1/M2- though everyone else has dialogue its in 3rd person now. Sir seems to have picked M1/M2 as Sharm and Srab. They've played it the second day in a row. Sharm is doing super it I have to say. She’s the most experienced of the lot except M. shes able to stay in the zone and concentrate. We are working on act one which is basically pre 71, happisg times. I realise that we haven’t cried in a few sags. The first 6 to 7 days I was crying in rehearsal every day as we were learning the script. But as we are only figuring out the intros and beginning sequences none of it has been of the war of the crimes south so it’s very sort of mild. Md says that now we are forgetting the person who is actually telling the story. She is so right after rehearsal we are all feeling a bit down because I didn’t go well, I don’t blame the director for saying that he is going to see this for one more week before deciding if we will go through or not. Even though I know there’s a lot of preparation, the actual booking of the theatre, budgets, everything else is being done, so if you want to cancel you still can. After the rehearsal M calls me aside and says we need to fix that opening sequence, I’m very shame at least say yes let’s do it. She says come to our meeting tonight. I had plans to join the gym today because at this point I realise that we are no longer doing our morning exercise as we come in and go straight into the rehearsing of the play and I gained weight in the first nine days of rehearsals I’ve gained about 2 lb in any case postcode with my hunger is through the roof, stress from recent projects and personal stuff my hunger is through the roof, and though I still try to walk a little bit it’s not every day anymore like it used to be still only a few days week. also I missed the gym I haven’t been for over six months I used to love it so much. My plans though are now canceled. I go home and take a 20 minute nap and then I rush off to the meeting. Traffic is absolutely insane and I abandon my car and get a bike and thanks to a really nice bike I reach exactly at 7:29 when I am supposed to start the music work at 7:30. The meeting is in someone’s house, one of the core members of the group. I the first time see everyone in a more relaxed situation. The entire living room is split up the keyboard is kept open for me on one side on the other side people are making dinner on the other side the entire floor plan is being made with things draw been drawn to scale. The director seems to be in a better mood and everyone is figuring out logistics and planning things et cetera et cetera. everyone looks really nice they’re all dressed up in their normal clothes.

Did I ever mention that we have a sort of outfit that we wear ?. It’s T-shirts and pants that are not too loose or too tight; this is why you see me in a different T-shirt every day that is the actual uniform for rehearsal as it’s the one that is most flexible for all of our physical work. I’m the only one who still wearing my T-shirt and sweat pants. M is dressed in a sari and she keeps covering her head and I asked her why and she says that ever since the start of the play she dresses as a birangona at home. I have been considering doing a few things to keep the essence of the play with me when I go home, and I wonder if I can do the same or not I don’t know yet. I’ve considered giving up some of my favourite things to eat to do, just to channel a bit of the story is a bit more but A part of me realises that I might be best used to do the musical aspects then being a novice actor on stage, and the fact that I am in a Inner Circle meeting doing the structures for the music means that that’s also what everyone else is thinking. this is the first time that it is acknowledged at all in these circumstances that I have a sort of following all my own identity as a media person. Reference being we are trying to calculate how many shares to do how many tickets need to be sold how many tickets can be sold at certain prices and The host jokes that oh don’t worry Armeen will bring her own crowd. I have no idea if that’s true I know my friends would come. Overall it’s very light and jolly situation however once we wrap up our introductory song so I remind Sir that there is a second one to do and I actually feel like giving him ideas. I try to do a rap like spoken word piece and Azhar sort of points out doesn’t go. So I sort of give up for the day, I don’t know why I give up so easily these days. I don’t have a push sometimes when I don’t get my first brilliant idea naturally I give up very easily. The first song that I made for the intro it was literally the first thing that came out of my mind and it was based on a bunch of chords that I know that are good. The second song is different it’s not a soft song so not in my genre and obviously I am struggling with it and I just give up. but I admit it was nice to see The director a bit more relaxed; they all joke about each other and their romantic partners even Sir teases M, I’m a bit embarrassed so I just smile and sit in the corner. Our host is really sweet though she is evidently someone who has seen a lot of my work already and both the host chat with me a little bit. It feels weird to have references to my non-theatre life in theatre mode.

I’m struggling to fix my sleep schedule, when I go home it’s already pretty late, but I have my own things to do thoughts to have that I cannot ignore, I wish we were there were more days in the air, or more hours on the day that I could use to spend a little bit of time just thinking and also bloody apartment I don’t even have an AC right now and it’s getting really hot and I haven’t had the time to actually buy an AC and get it installed. Also I am dying to just organise my bookshelf it’s the first thing you see you when you enter my flat but despite the fact that I’ve had all the books nicely done I still do not have even 10 minutes to put the books in the order that I want to. I’m up till 2 am again with my own stuff. I haven’t memorised M2 either, I won’t say that I’m not enjoying being part of the music but I do realise it might lower my chances of getting any proper lines.

Oh God after disastrous rehearsal day I am a bit more relieved to see that the play is still being planned, they have decided to lower the number of shows from 25 to 19. M says it’s only physically durable to do the maximum 19 shows in a row. I have performed many many days in a row but never 19 shows I’m actually deeply looking forward to those 19 inches. Your girl hasn’t been on stage in awhile and it’s coming through.

[easierreadthandone4711]

Rainy Days

I love when the weather matches the vibe.

Last night was a quiet and humbling evening. I've been studying in attempts to learn a new skill set and where I had once felt confident, felt ripped from under me. You know nothing Jon Snow.

Personally - humiliating.

What a strong emotion to come from something that nobody is actually aware of. Why would I feel humiliated? Typically, humiliation would occur in a more public setting but just because that is more common, does not mean the other doesn't exist. With social anxiety already being a factor - you can imagine how annoying this is to feel humiliated...by myself. So - I began to think about the word humiliated. I read once that you should consider the words you use to describe your feelings because more so than you would think, its not the right word. I broke down the word humiliation because I must be using the wrong word.

Humiliated, made to feel a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity; deeply embarrassed or put to shame.

At first glance I think, that's silly. Wrong word. Clearly.

-----

Typically, my evenings are relatively lively. My work shift ends at 2000, not super late but late and if you know how that goes then you understand how much there is to do before bed, despite it being "bedtime". For example, Tuesday nights I have an online class AT 2000. I am jumping in while I am clocking out and walking to my car. Tuning in on my drive and doing my best to stay focused as I get out of my uniform, settled in. Sounds simple enough but I am also a mom. Moms out there know, you don't actually get that time to decompress when you come in, right? The greetings start at the door, sometimes accompanied by questions or requests as if you didn't just get home. Having yet to reach my bedroom - dinner is usually the next topic. Once decisions are made and I make it into my room to really settle into class, the first little bird comes in to go through their day events, then the second and always the third. Sometimes they just come in to see how my day was, which I'm grateful they even think twice about me like that. Yes, I have let them know I'm in class, no this does not deter them and damnit when it comes down to it they're a world of more importance than any class to me. So I listen. Also, I am stupid confident about the class and have yet to not understand the lesson so I'm Gucci. Then we eat, watch something together and hang out until I can't keep my eyes open any longer.

However - yesterday was not a typical Tuesday.

If you've read this far and are expecting a grand finale then let me stop you right here. This ends so anticlimactically I almost feel guilty writing about it. Also, I'm going to keep writing. Sorry not sorry.

Last night at work there was a delay which caused the schedule to shift a bit. Not too horribly, as I was still able to chime into class to at least listen. It was then that I first noticed how quiet my phone was being. Typically, when I'm in my class I have a few friends who will start messaging a bit more, either because they're off work or they know I am but not this time. I took it as a mini gift from the universe, grateful for the opportunity to just focus on the class. On the drive, totally following the class because duh, I already know this. My brain must've relaxed a bit too much. I got home and was welcomed by the grankittens. No little birds, no dinner talk. I received hellos but with no questions or requests I made my way to my room, excited and eager that I might actually get to focus. I quickly get settled in and a little bird shows up. No big deal, I already know the stuff they're talking about. She didn't stay long, gave a little recap and left. Refocus to my class - I am lost. They're throwing a term around that I've never heard and it throws me off completely. I wanted to ask for clarification but for all I know, they literally just explained it and I missed it. I don't want to annoy the educator or the other students so I sat in silence for the rest of the class, hoping to figure out what they're talking about on my own. Class ended and there I am, sitting in silence in my room. No little birds, no texts, no tv, no music or audiobook, just myself and my thoughts.

How on earth did I have all this opportunity for class tonight and this be the night I feel so lost? You know who prevented me from understanding tonight's class? Myself. I've been overly confident, laxed and unfocused.

Humiliated.

We are our own worst critics and I did refrain from beating myself up too harshly but there was a loss of pride, absolutely my self respect and was ashamed. I had to really sit in this when everything was silent. You know, nights are the hardest when you're going through it and I had zero distractions.

Growth moment: There is no point in tearing myself apart over this, the only way this is fixed is to act on it. I need to be better and intentional and follow through with focusing on the work in front of me. I'm grateful for the moment of silence the universe had gifted me, even though I wasn't able to walk away from class feeling great. I was able to hone in on what need to be done with no interruptions or distractions and because of that, I get to grow a bit more.

[indigo474]

31:00~~2/10/24~~

I ran my 2nd 5 k today and managed to run 3 minutes and 26 seconds faster than last time.. l'm not even sure how that is possible.. it must be the hills. i am so proud of myself and again amazed. a tiny tiny voice tells me i could have done better.. maybe... Madison came wiht me for support. I saw people there alone so next time I wont bother her to come with me, unless she wants to of course. I wish i had someone to celebrate with. i'm thankful for Maddy.. I'm thankful for a lot but still wish i had someone. i thought a lot today about how my divorce was/is the single best thing that has ever happened to me. I thought about how i hate hate hate how people say ohh sorry for your divorce. I thought about how it would have been a shame for me to not be the person i am today and how much i have learned and grown and healed. i thought about how i wish i had left sooner .. i dont let myself go too fr down that trail. I left and thats all that matters.. all these great things. Me- i dont know if i will ever be use to this life and these feelings of happiness.. when i laugh, i laugh.. joy. i did not have that or feel that for a lot of years and the last thing i wanted was to really feel anything because none of it was any good and now.. now.. peace. Peace.. and love. Madison is sweet to me. she knows i eat an apple a day and when she shops she has been making sure to buy apples. when we lived in our apartment she would always make sure to leave the outside light on for me.. i hate walking up to a dark house.. ptsd from Chatham. If he turned the automatic light off i knew i was in trouble. sooo.. i guess i'll keep running..

I am not a game player. Its just not my natural state. Pam has issue. Deep seeded trauma from her childhood.. its so obvious to me. the way she talks and her need to be liked and seen as cool and the way she tries to manipulate the people around her. She's smart but not intelligent. So, whatever.. i'm not friends with any of them.. there's one supervisor i kind of like, she was my first supervisor when i started.. and she is weird. None of it matters. I'm working from home tomorrow. I didnt get nearly enough sleep last night. I didnt want to get out of bed this morning. i tried to be nice to my Mom this week, i was being kind and supportive and she can not accept love because she does not love herself . she hates herself and doesnt think she deserves kindness or love and that is not my problem. do i love myself enough to be able to receive love?

I spoke to my manager in regards to the very important meeting she missed. She claims to have wanted to be there but it was thrown together last minute and she was not made aware of the time. Drew was in charge of the timing. Drew is always in charge of the meeting times and he sucks at it. I pretty much said that to her but in a professional way. its taken a year but his scheduling skills infuriate me. people pretty much do what benefits them. Drew has a attitude about people leaving work at 5.. he feels we should all stay later. He is late to work everyday and it benefits him to stay later so misses the rush hour traffic. ive stayed late in the past to accommodate him. I'm not doing that anymore. I get to work early almost every day. I am not staying later than i have to. I feel like he doesnt value other peoples time. he's called me 2 x in 2 days while i wasn't work.. he called me today while i was in walmart talking nonsense.. i got a new rep who is a total idiot. he never should have made it out of training and Drew is acting like he's been on team for a long time and what am i going to do about him. He's been on my team for less than 20 hrs- he was on Drew's team for 90+ days- how and why did this guy become my problem when he has been a problem all along.

I'm going to read the Bhagavad Gita- maybe finish it. I have been sleeping a little too good.. through the night good. the funny thing about work is none of it matters.. we can all be replaced tomorrow and that place would still go on. I shouldn't let it stress me out. i woke up with my period today. silence is beautiful. You're doing a great job April.. keep going! Good night

.

[fuwaprince]

And now I will admit to war crimes 🪴

Jk, just talking about my life for a sec. Sorry I'm boringggg

I need to sneak out to smoke a cigarette but everybody here is awake (boo) and I can't get myself to be seen by them!!!! They'd be mean if they saw me like this -____- As in unbrushed hair, sleepy eyes, not completely dripping in sweat from dusting their house that I live in the corner of... all too unworked and LAZY despite me staying on campus from noon to midnight doing my final project and waking up to continue stressful amounts of hw. This "relaxation" that appears unearned is undeserved according to their monopolistic observation (an actual gif my response to their policing attempts below)

Anyways I would just really like a cigarette in peace and these people will not let me have it so I'm considering inventing teleportation or just jumping out of my window like a maniac (I can land on all fours like a cat if I try really hard). Yes, that's desperate, AND?

Last night I also went to an award ceremony for some honor society which was way more fun than I thought it would be btw. My friend was the one who earned the award but I showed up for moral support!!! :') They had deep fried mac and cheese bits for vegetarians which felt strange, but I liked it and took a plate of it with me for another friend who was getting off work and missed the event

Stalker guy who is obsessive over his crush on me popped up 3 different times throughout the fucking entirety of me filming with my classmates (even they noticed his creepiness and pointed it out) and I eventually freaked him back out by following him to the restroom and demanding what the fuck he was doing on campus (to which he admitted he wanted to check on me which sounds considerate but no no no its creepy ... he will not even say a word and just stare until I choose to acknowledge him or not and I am tempted to choose the violent approach of smacking his skull so hard against a ceramic sink that the sink breaks).

Idk if anybody noticed but I didn't have to ask for rent help this month btw and I'm feeling so so so proud of that. Yay ✨ Broken laptop situation is also fixed. I'm not starving. Yeah, my room is still a biohazard to live in and people treat me like trash... But!!!! Not everybody! My friends give me hugs at the end of hard school days and I'm lucky to have a few cigarettes on me (I know, bad for my health.... But as Caro Emerald sings, "They say there's not much difference between a good man and a long drag from a cigarette. Sometimes you feel it, sometimes you don't. And sometimes you need it, and sometimes you don't").

I'm enjoying the silver linings.

I cry a lot but I've also smiled a lot too and been able to return some kindness to friends who needed it.

I visited that Japanese shop yesterday and the sweet lady gave me free sweets again. This time she literally pet my head before letting me go home and I blushed so hard. I don't even know her name but the small amount of physical touch from her was nice :') much needed... I feel like a stray cat that always walks in and she's so nice, treating me like I'm not a bother and giving me treats plus pets

Hmmmm, what else? I don't know what else I can share but I'm just in a sharing kind of mood rn. I'm going to try sneaking downstairs without offending anybody here with my disgusting state (no I am not actually disgusting but these people will shamelessly say so and shame me... :P whatever... Their leftovers are still in the fridge and I'm not saying shit but if I did that they would call me gross after it being over a week).

Oh I also I named my new laptop iPhonesSuck so now whenever I hop on their network, they can stalk that and get reminded that I hate them as iPhone supporters. I love the direction I'm going in.

Omg and before I forget!!! Just in case anybody surveiling me over their wifi wants some ultra rare photo evidence to gossip about, here:

Eat my lawn gnome cakes, cocksuckers >:P find something better to do with your lame ass life

Everybody else gets hugs and giant chocolate chip cookies that I stole from the banquet

💖 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪 💖 please take one!!!!!

Have a good day and thank you for reading. And as always, thank you for supporting me friends 💕🙏 I love you. We're almost through 2023!

[ippilulu]

Hoshi Canon AU! fic: The First Snowfall

Hoshiko blinked her eyes open, her vision bleary even after the first few seconds. …Where… was she? Her surroundings were so bright that it hurt her eyes, and she had to close them again in order to be able to process it. When she opened them again, she realised exactly what she was looking at. Snow.

Snow… meant Yukimura.

Yukimura… Shion?!

Hoshiko's breath stuttered, forming short clouds in the air before her. Panic began to set in before the coldness of the white powder in her hands snapped her out of it. If Shion had found you, you wouldn't be in the middle of nowhere. You'd be locked inside- right, the house had burnt down- well, wherever he'd holed himself up after it all. So calm down. A few deep breaths later, she was slowly standing up, trying to analyse her surroundings.

But white surrounded her on all sides and she was no closer to answers despite walking around in every direction (atleast she thought she covered all of them. It was hard to keep track.).

Seconds, minutes, hours? later, she still didn't see anything. The cold wasn't helping, she had felt herself slowing down as the chill set in her bones. She'd always been more sensitive to it, after all. And every time, he'd given her his cloak. Hoshiko bit her lip, suddenly feeling so alone. It might have hurt less… if he didn't love her. Or atleast, not in a way she could notice.

"…I… I miss him. I miss…" Home. My family. My friends. Uba-san, Koharu, Elio, even Hotaru…

Suddenly, she could make out a dot of black in the far-off distance. She squinted her eyes, her feet already trudging through the light flurry of snowfall in its direction. As she walked closer, she made it out to be a black… dog? Some sort of beast.

"This is Fenris. He's been with me since I was a child. Finny, say hi to Hoshiko, she's going to live with us from now on."

The memory of his lavender eyes soft with affection and memory…

"Fenris? That you, boy?"

A small bark and he came bounding up to her, licking her as soon as she was close enough. Hoshiko laughed, trying to hold him in place. Her own laugh surprised her, sounding so pure and happy. That was all the time the dog needed to pounce on her, now standing on top of her, licking everywhere he could reach.

A whistle sounded and Fenris' ears perked in attention.

"Here, boy! You'll scare her."

That voice…

Hoshiko leaned up on her elbows, looking at the figure who emerged from the back. A little boy… with light still in his eyes, the lavender shining beautifully. Her heart ached at the sight.

The boy smiled at her, small and sad. "…Hello, Hoshiko."

"…Shion."

They stood there for some time, simply staring at each other, until he noticed her shaking violently from the worsening snowfall, and gestured her to come sit next to Fenris. Even this was familiar. When she used to get too 'bothersome', according to him, he'd drop her off near Fenris to stay warm instead of with him. She quite preferred the giant black blob's company, earnest and loving.

She sat down, brushing the snow off of her skirt, when she heard a throat clear. Hoshiko looked to her side, her sight covered by black fur. Neither she nor the other figure made any move to come into view.

"Hoshiko, how… how have you been?"

For some reason, it was hard to imagine herself being the way she had always been to this… this younger version of Shion. So she didn't find it surprising that her voice came out soft, kind- not quite different from how she talked to her garden. "I… It's been hard. I miss everyone." And somehow, I miss you, too.

"I miss you as well. So does Fenris… and Koharu. Hotaru… she does little but sit by my bedside and cry, sometimes. Asking me to come back. But what do I even… what do I even come back for? My house, my family, my fiancee, my respect… it all burnt down to nothing in that fire."

Hoshiko gulped down the sudden shame in her throat. Why were you even feeling bad? He deserved it. "… I didn't set the fire."

"Please, don't try to lie to me. It… It hurts more that way." She shakes her head, leaning forward just a bit. For some reason, it was important he know this. "Truly, I didn't. I swear on everything I hold dear." She hears shuffling from the other side, and a white head pokes out of the mass that was Fenris. Child Shion seems confused. "Then who did? Who betrayed me?"

"I set it up, yes. But I didn't light it. Someone else did, I don't know who." Hoshiko looks away at the dull hope in his eyes. "Then… Then does this mean you don't hate me?"

Hoshiko chose not to answer, staring at the snow in her palm instead.

"Hoshiko… may I please hold your hand?" She looked up to see his ash white hand reaching for her. She swallowed the 'Why?' that arose in her mind. The sadness in his smile hurt her, because it gave rise to the possibility that maybe even as a child, Shion had never truly known happiness. Maybe… Maybe we're more alike than I imagined. …The least I could do for him was this. So she nods, smiling softly as she grabs the smaller one in hers. It was warm, just like in her memories. The boy sat down next to her, breathing slowly as they watched the snow fall all around them.

"…Do you really hate me still?" "I… Do you want me to answer that?" Hoshiko hoped he'd say no. She didn't want to lie to this little boy, but nor could she tell him the truth. Shion leaned his little head on her arm, breathing deeply. She recognised what he was trying to do, memorise the person before him so that he could bring out the memory whenever it hurt and- Suzaku… this wasn't supposed to be this way… She was supposed to-

"I do. I'm… I'm sorry, Shion." The soft fluttering of the top edges of her right glove stops, his breath no longer causing it to move. "I see. So you'll still leave me, again." Hoshiko gulped down her guilt. "…Yes."

"Hoshiko, I… I love you. Please… consider staying here, with me." She shook her head. "I can't do that, Shion. Your… Your love- it's ruined me." Shion's purple eyes look up at her, knowing but still pleading. She bites her lip, frustrated.

"You killed my best friend. You cut off Koharu's finger, you've killed those poor servants from the kitchen because of me, you've belittled and mocked me, you've hurt me so many times, you even marked me like your damn property- and you-"

Shion's eyes are focussed not on her, but her hand. The one that had been holding his. The one whose glove she removed, sometime in the midst of her passionate speech. They both silently looked at the ugly scar, until she slammed her hand into the snow and snapped them out of the spell they were in.

"Well, I can't come back to you. It'd kill me, and I haven't even yet lived." Hoshiko watches the snow trickle from her hands, back onto the ground. "My mother, then Elio, then you… All my life, I've been controlled and tormented by people who claim to love me. But all they've done is push me further away from the light. And in the end, I'm left all alone in the dark. …I'm tired, Shion. I want to live for myself, too."

"I'd find you, you know." A brief moment of panic overcame her at the familiar words. "…What do you mean?" "In the dark. You said you're all alone there. But so am I. So I'd find you, and then we'd be together." "Do you want to know what I truly think, Shion?" The boy nodded. She clenched her jaw, trying her best to get her next words out despite the not-yet-ruined innocence on his face.

"I'd rather die, than let you." The sheer hurt that flashed through his eyes at her admission had her nails digging into her palms. This… This was a mistake.

"You would really do that, to get away from me?" "…There's little I wouldn't. That's what you've made of me, after all."

Shion looked at her, his purple eyes glazed over. "Okay."

He got up, walking a few steps away. Whistles again. "Fenris!" The dog jumped up to where he was.

The snow was falling so hard that it was hard for Hoshiko to see the boy properly through it.

"Goodbye, Hoshiko."

---

Hoshiko gasped, her eyes frantically blinking. As her vision grew clearer, she saw her hand raised out in front of her.

As if she were reaching out for someone.

The memories come rushing back and she lets herself fall back on her… pillow.

So it was a dream.

"Goodbye, Hoshiko."

"…Goodbye, Shion."

The colours of the ceiling fractured into a blurry mess, and Hoshiko let it, for once.

---Fin---

[hotch-stufff]

Kiss The Girl

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader

Warnings!: angst, pining(lots of it), crying, arguing, but a fluffy ending, like super fluffy ending :)

Word Count: 3.7k words

Description: Hotch tries to deny it, but he's madly in love with you. He keeps getting this urge to just kiss you. Could it really be that easy?

A/N: not really sure what this is, but I was listening to that new cover of kiss the girl by Brent Morgan and I really wanted wrote this. It definitely took a turn i was not expecting, but I hope you guys love it as much as I do. :)

*Based off the song "Kiss the Girl"*

--------------

He loved you. It was no secret.

Everyone knew, everyone except maybe him.

Or maybe he did know, but he refused to accept it. He couldn't love you. It was wrong. But if it was wrong, why on earth did it feel so good?

There, you see her, Sitting there, across the way

She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her

He wasn't the best at sharing his feelings. He was good at locking them away, and throwing away the key. But you, you made that hard.

There was just something about you. It drew him in, and he was hooked.

Maybe it was the way you giggled when you were nervous. Or maybe it was the blush that tinted your cheeks when someone gave you a compliment. Maybe it was the way you showed Hotch the happiness he needed in his darkest times.

He wasn't sure, but he knew you were special. He was sure he knew exactly when these feelings had started. It was the night of Rossi's Christmas party.

You sat on Rossi's couch, laughing along with Morgan and Prentiss. They had made some very very inappropriate joke, that you just thought was hilarious. 

"Okay, h-hang on. I need a refill." You gasped out between laughs. You made your way to the kitchen, grabbing the wine before pouring yourself a glass.

"Hey." You nearly squealed as Hotch came in the room behind you.

"Jesus Hotch, could have given me a heart attack." He simply chuckled. "Yeah, laugh it up." You playfully rolled your eyes.

"I'm sorry." He tried to hide his smile.

"Yeah, you sound it." You walked towards him, giving him a soft smile as the teasing atmosphere faded. The room was empty, and you wouldn't be able to ever work up the courage again.

"Merry Christmas Hotch." You whispered as you leaned up, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. You pulled back, gave him a small smile, and walked back to the living room.

Aaron stood there, shocked. 

Why had you don't that? Why had he liked it? Would you do it again?

The questions repeated in his head, over and over. And he realised that a peck on the cheek wouldn't be enough. 

He needed a kiss, a real kiss. Even just one from you and he would be satisfied for life. But that, was an impossible dream. Or, so he thought.

And you don't know why, but you're dyin' to try

You wanna kiss the girl

Months had passed since then and he still hadn't gotten another kiss from you. 

You two had grown increasingly close however. You were practically inseparable. Always at one of your houses, talking, watching movies, eating. You name it.

Although watching movies was usually with Jack, and currently he was stuck on repeating the Little Mermaid.

"Miss Y/n?" He asked one night.

"Yes Jackers?" You asked, looking down at the small boy.

"Can we please, watch the little mermaid with daddy?" He begged. He used those puppy dog eyes and you were sold.

"Of course we can." You heard a chuckle come from behind you and you whipped around.

"Didn take you long to give in, huh?" Hotch questioned, a smirk playing on his lips.

"Oh shut it Hotchner. Go get the popcorn." He laughed and shook his head before walking to the kitchen.

Soon you found yourself wrapped up with the Hotcner boys. Jack was curled up on your lap, his face buried in your neck as he fell asleep.

As you and Hotch watched the movie, he snuck glances every couple of minutes. He couldn't get over how beautiful you looked. 

And you were holding his son, loving him like he could be your own. It filled Hotch's heart with love and affection.

And then that song began playing softly in the background

Yes, you want her

Look at her, you know you do

The lyrics spoke a truth that Hotch was desperately trying to avoid. 

But he didn't know how much longer he could go without telling you. In the moment he couldn't remember why he hadn't told you already.

Possible she wants you too, there is one way to ask her

It don't take a word, not a single word

Go on and kiss the girl

All he wanted to do was reach over and bring you into a kiss. Just a simple kiss. 

Just to feel your lips move together. Just for a second. He almost did. You had turned to look at him, and he leaned in slightly. His hand raising. 

But the shrill sound of his phone broke the trance. His hand receded before you could grab it. And he didn't kiss you.

You were filled with a disappointment that you couldn't explain. 

Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my, oh, my, look like the boy too shy, He ain't gonna kiss the girl

Sha-la-la-la-la-la, ain't that sad? Ain't it a shame? Too bad, He gonna miss the girl

The music of the movie faded as a grim look replaced the carefree one on Hotch's face. 

"We'll be right in." He muttered out the words with disdain, sending you an apologetic look.

But you barely noticed, you were still trying to calm down the beating of your heart.

He was going to kiss you.

Did he feel the same way that you did?

All thoughts left your mind though as you felt Jack wake in your arms.

"Hey buddy." He looked up at you with the eyes he shared with his father.

"Do you have to leave?" Your heart broke a little bit at his questions.

"Yeah, bud. I'm sorry." He just smiled at you and burrows further into your chest.

"Its 'kay." He mumbled sleepily. "But we have to wait till Aunt Jess gets here so we can keep cuddling." Your heart swelled and your face lit up. Hotch was staring at the two of you, in awe. His son loved you so much. 

You looked over at him, a tear in your eye. He swallowed as he pushed his feelings aside, giving you a soft smile before getting up to get dressed.

He was screwed.

A couple cases later, and you were holed up in a precinct, everyone nearly falling asleep.

It was a bad case, a really bad case. And you were running out of time. The unsubs' latest victim only had about a day left.

But nobody could work if they were falling asleep. Eventually Hotch sighed and told everyone it was time to head to the hotel.

But of course, once there, there were only 4 rooms.

"I'm taking my own room. I'm old." Rossi said and grabbed the key before anyone could argue.

"C'mon pretty boy." Morgan grabbed another key, and walked off with spence.

"I'll go with Jj. Y/l/n, you good with Hotch?" Your face went bright red at Prentiss's words. But you nodded, looking anywhere but at Hotch. You couldn't say no, it would be too obvious.

"Y-yeah, that's fine." You all trudged to the elevator, Emily and Jj said goodnight and walked off once you reached your floor. You and Hotch walked in silence down the hall to the very last room.

He swung the door open, and you had to stop yourself from gasping. There was only one bed.

"I'll uh, I'll take the floor." You scrunched your nose at Hotch's offer and he couldn't deny how adorable you looked.

"Hotch, no. That will kill your back." You shook your head. "We can share. We're both adults, it's fine." You're not sure if you're convincing yourself or him. He just nods and gives a soft okay.

"Do you want the first shower?" He asked. 

"Um, no. I shower in the mornings." He nodded before walking into the bathroom.

Why was this so awkward? You guys were such good friends, this shouldn't be so weird. 

You pushed the thought aside before crawling into the bed and curling up.

Hotch walked out of the bathroom 10 minutes later in nothing but a towel.

Your eyes grew and you couldn't take your eyes off of him. He cleared his throat, and you looked up at his eyes.

"Uh sorry, forgot my bag." You nodded, looking away quickly. Too scared to speak. He quickly went back into the bathroom.

"Get a hold of yourself." You whispered to yourself. You weren't going to survive this case if he did that again. He joined you in bed soon after getting dressed.

Neither of you spoke, neither of you moved, neither of you breathed. It was completely silent.

After about 20 minutes of silence and trying desperately to fall asleep you spoke up.

"Hotch?" 

"Yeah?" His voice was hoarse.

"Um, I can't sleep." You turned towards him and he did the same.

"Neither can I." You sighed.

"How's Jack?" You asked, trying to bring up the mood, or to at least get rid of the awkwardness. It seemed to work because his face lit up at the mention of his son.

"He's good. He actually just asked if you could come over soon. He got an A plus on his spelling test that you helped him study for and he really wants to show you." You smiled as you listened.

"That's great! He was so nervous for that test." 

"Yeah, thank you Y/n for helping him." You grabbed his hand, squeezing gently.

"Of course Hotch. I love Jack." You muttered, and you fell into silence again.

But it was more content, more peaceful. Your hands stayed laced together, and Hotch's mind went blank as you started leaning closer.

Now's your moment

Floating in a blue lagoon

Boy, you better do it soon, no time will be better

He started leaning in, his hand moved from your own to cup your face. But something switched in his mind. What was he doing? This was wrong. He couldn't let this happen. 

Your faces were inches apart when he pulled his hand away and scooted backwards slightly.

Look like the boy too shy

He ain't gonna kiss the girl

Your face fell, and his heart squeezed painfully.

"Um, we should go to bed." You were so confused. You thought that was it. It was perfect. He, he pulled away though. Why had he pulled away?

You could almost physically see his walls being built up.

Walls you had spent so much time breaking down.

"Oh, um. O-okay." You stuttered out, pulling back  quickly.

"Goodnight Y/n." He said softly, but you didn't respond. You were too scared you would cry if you did. 

You fell asleep faster than you anticipated, but maybe you were just that tired. 

He was gone when you woke up.

You thought everything might just go back to the way it was after that night.

But boy were you wrong. Hotch had completely pulled away from you.

No longer did he invite you over, or invite you to do paperwork in his office with him

You didn't watch movies, or go out to eat, or even talk about anything other than work. It was hell.

You tried, you really tried to get him to open up again, but it just didn't work. Nothing did.

It was to the point where he would be almost rude to you. 

The team was beginning to notice. And you couldn't hold back any longer. It was killing you.

You needed to talk to him, past this wall he had put up. You needed to know why he was pushing you away. You walked up to his door, knocking on the door.

"Come in." He said softly. You walked in, and his eyes stayed trained on the paperwork in front of him.

"Hotch?" He still didn't look up.

"How can I help you Agent Y/l/n?" He asked, his voice not wavering from professionalism. You shut the door behind you and walked forward, sitting in one of the chairs.

"We need to talk." He was taken aback slightly by the determination in your voice, but he sighed before setting down his pen.

"What is it?" He sounded almost annoyed, which just made you angrier.

"What the hell is going on?" You didn't mean to be so rude about it, but you needed to know.

"Excuse me?" 

"Seriously Hotch, we went from talking almost every day, to not speaking unless it has something to do with work."

"Y/l/n…" he went to stop you.

"No. Hotch please. I don't know what I did." You begged. "I mean you can't even use my name anymore." You whispered.

"This is very unprofessional." he wasn't breaking.

"Please Aaron. Don't lie to me." You tried his first name, and he had never loved his name being spoken more than when you said it. But he had to stop this.

"Agent Y/l/n. I'm sorry if our friendship was confus-" but you cut him off.

"We weren't just friends. You know that and I know that." He had the audacity to look confused. But he knew exactly what you were talking about.

Don't try to hide it how, You wanna kiss the girl

"Please Aaron, don't pretend, not with me."

"Agent Y/l/n! That's enough!" His voice was rising. 

He didn't understand why you couldn't just let it go.

"No it's not. I love you Aaron, I'm sorry. But I do. And it hurts so much that you are pushing me away!" Your eyes filled with tears and Hotch stood there, awed that you felt this way. But he couldn't let you in. So he took that final heartbreaking step.

"I don't love you." He whispered out. You had been standing and you took a staggering step backwards. 

"What?" Your voice was small.

"I don't love you Y/n." The lie was tearing him apart. Why was he doing this again?

Tears began falling down your face. You were upset and mad and heartbroken. And you were embarrassed that this man had this much of a hold on you.

"Fine." You sniffed. "If that's how you feel Agent Hotchner." He missed the way you said Aaron and flinched at the formal title. But this was what he wanted. "I apologize for the unprofessionalism." You turned to leave, but stopped when he spoke.

"Y/n…" His voice was small, strained. You wiped away your tears. When you looked back, his eyes were glossy.

But he didn't say anything else and you kept walking, slamming the door behind you. The bullpen silenced and everyone stared at you.

It was humiliating, but you walked to Rossi's office, your head held high.

"Rossi?" 

"Y/l/n, what's wrong?" He asked, like he hadn't heard the conversation through his shared wall with Hotch. 

"Can you please tell Hotch that I'm sick and I won't be in for a while?" Your voice wavered slightly, but you ignored it.

"Y/n-" he started, but you didn't feel like talking.

"Please Rossi?" You begged, praying he would just say yes so you could leave.

"Yes, of course." You nodded and thanked him before leaving. You slipped down to your desk and grabbed your bag. 

You didn't see Hotch standing in the doorway of his office, watching you as you left, tears silently slipping down your face.

Your teammates asked what was happening, but you just waved them off and left.

They all turned to Hotch, but he was already back in his office, his door slamming for the second time that day.

You wanna kiss the girl

A week passed, and you hadn't come back to work yet. Hotch wasn't sure what to do with himself. He hated what he did.

The team was confused, Rossi kept sending him angry glances, and your empty desk was haunting him.

And then, Jack asked that question. The question that broke him just a little more.

"Why doesn't Miss Y/n come over anymore daddy?" He had asked one night at dinner.

He didn't know how to answer. "Does she not love us anymore?" His eyes were big and glossy like he was going to cry. He decided not to lie to his son.

"Daddy made a mistake and Miss Y/n is just a little sad right now." Jack didn't understand what was happening, but he wanted to help fix it. His dad had been so sad these past couple of weeks and it made him sad. 

"Daddy, you have to say sorry! And you have to do what the song says!" Hotch looked at his son confused. What song?

"What song buddy?" He asked, pulling his son into his lap.

"You know, you have to kiss the girl!" He giggled like it was the most obvious answer in the world.

"The little mermaid song?" He asked, smiling at his son's innocence. 

"Yes, remember, you and Y/n were sitting on the couch before you left for work, and you were going to kiss her!" Hotch looks shocked, Jack was awake for that?

"Um, buddy. Me and Y/n aren't together." He sighed as his son deflated.

"But why? You love her. And she loves you." He spoke, confused as to what was happening.

"Um.." Hotch drew a blank. He couldn't give this little boy an answer. Not when it was his fault. Not when he was the one that had said no. 

It was a mistake, a huge mistake. He should have just told you.  Why hadn't he?

He should have kissed you.

The first time, or the second time. He should have told you that he loved you too. Was it too late? 

"Um, buddy, you know what? It's time for bed." Hotch put his son to sleep and called Rossi, asking him to come over.

He prayed he wasn't too late. Rossi showed up at his door 20 minutes later.

"Hotch-" but he knew.

"I know, I'm an idiot. But I have to go tell her I love her too." He was rushing, grabbing his keys.

"Atta boy Aaron." Was all Rossi said as Hotch ran out the door, jumping in his car.

He was sure he was going faster than the speed limit, but he couldn't care less. He needed to see you, and to be with you. To tell you that he loved you.

His car was barely parked when he jumped out and ran up to your door, banging on it.

You heard the noise wondering who would come over so late. You were shocked to find Hotch there as you opened the door.

There, you see her, Sitting there, across the way

She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her

"Y/n." Was all he said. You slammed the door in his face.  He began banging his fist in the door and you threw it open, again.

"Leave Hotch." 

"Please, Y/n, just hear me out." He begged. You hesitated, but moved to the side letting him in. You shut the door softly.

Yes, you want her, Look at her, you know you do

Possible she wants you too, there is one way to ask her

"What do you want, Hotch? What more could you possibly want?" He shook his head, holding his tears at bay.

"Aaron." He spoke quietly.

"What?" 

"Please, it's Aaron." 

"Agent Hotchner. You need to leave." But he didn't leave. He stood there and stared at you. 

"I'm so sorry Y/n." 

"Hotch, seriously, I can't do this. I can't." You tried to keep those tears in, you were tired of crying over him, but there was no point. You felt then slip down your face.

Words weren't working, he had already said enough. But he remembered Jacks words. 

The song.

Now's your moment, Boy, you better do it soon, no time will be better

She don't say a word and she won't say a word, Until you kiss the girl

He stepped forward and brought his hand up to your face. He leaned in slowly, and brought your lips to his. 

Your heart stopped, and you kissed him back desperately. You had wanted this for so long. You had waited for so. Damn. Long.

"Your so stupid." You murmured against his lips. He pulled away gasping for air.

"I know" his voice was beautiful.

You've gotta kiss the girl, Go on and kiss the girl

He leaned in again, kissing you like his life depended on it. He gently ran his thumb across your cheek as he wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you forward. He broke away a moment later.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I was an idiot. I love you." A tear escaped his eye, and you brushed it away. "I dont expect you to forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me if I was you. I was awful, and I never should have lied and said I didn't love you too. I shouldn't have pushed you away."

"Why did you?" He hesitated, he wasn't sure you would understand.

"The last time I let someone in my heart, she left. And then she got hurt because of me. I couldn't risk that happening to you." He shook his head.

"Oh Aaron. I'm not leaving. I don't ever want to leave you. I love you too much to leave." You paused. "And you can't hide and be scared to open your heart. Its okay to let people in." You added softly and he gave you a smile.

You both stood there in blissful peace, your foreheads touching. He chuckled and you looked at him confused.

"What?"

"I kissed the girl." You just grew more confused.

"What are you talking about?" You asked humor in your voice.

"The song. Jack said I had to do what the little mermaid song said." You understood then and began giggling. 

"Maybe, maybe you should do it again." You suggested, a smile on your face.

"Hmm, maybe I should." And he leaned in again for another breathtaking kiss.

.....................

"And that is how me and your dad got together." Your three kids sat in front of you listening in awe. 

"Wow, so Jack is why he finally told you he loved you?" Your middle child, Tommy asked. Jack laughed as he stood up, tapping your shoulder as he towered over you. 

"You could say that." Aaron said from the doorway, you turned, smiling at your husband. 

"Yeah, sure." You giggled and ruffled Jack's hair as you picked up your nine year old daughter, Jenna. Who, in all honesty, was almost too big to be picked up.

"Mommy, can you tell us that story every night?" She asked, and you smiled. 

"Of course I can sweat pea. But now, its bed time." You tucked in your kids, giving them each a kiss on the forehead before joining your husband in your room.

You plopped on the bed and curled up into his side.

"Hi sweetheart." He greeted you with a kiss, and he pulled you into his side. "You know, you didn't need to make me sound so…" he couldn't quite find the word.

"Stupid? Clueless? Dumb?" You asked, giggling as he began digging his fingers into your side, tickling you. 

"St-stop. Aaron!" You shrieked and he let up, but not before plopping on top of you. He began peppering kisses all over your face.

"I'm glad you finally told that story. Jenna has been begging for weeks" Your youngest had watched the little mermaid a couple of weeks ago and Jack had made a comment about one of the songs. Jenna had heard one word and was begging for us to tell her our "falling in love story", as she put it. 

You had finally given in and told them, and they had loved every moment of it. Jack of course had already known, having witnessed it. 

But Jenna and Tommy had loved hearing how their parents had fallen in love. 

And a week later when you walked in the living room you were filled with a sense of nostalgia as you saw Jack with Jenna in his lap, as Tommy and Aaron sat on the couch next to them. Watching, of course, the little mermaid. You plopped next to Aaron, smiling. 

As Kiss The Girl started playing.

--------------

Thanks for reading! Requests are still open, so ask away! If you would like an idea of what to request, here is my prompt list, and if you would like to read more of my work, here is my masterlist.

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[yeoreos]

avid || jjk (m)

pairing: demon!jungkook x human!reader

genre: 18+, smut

summary: jungkook finds you at a bar and sets you as his night's target

warnings: oh lord smut. lots and lots of smut.

wc: 4k

note: i was kind of lazy to finish it, but hey, its 4k of foreplay; nothing beats that! (also sorry for not posting in a while i was busy with beginning of year exams *cries*)

jungkook first noticed you in a bar. on weekends, it was transformed into a seedy nightclub. he liked to go there while he was looking for something to eat; something to conquer for the night. he discovered a plethora of attractive females and, each with broken hearts and hungry gazes - all yearning for a nighttime lover.

he never believed his eyes when they landed on you. the state you were in was pitiful. he guessed that you had just broken up with this boyfriend of yours, hence the mascara and ruined makeup on your face. or perhaps it was a platonic breakup. despite your state, his mahogany orbs never left your figure. what a cute thing you were.

a pretty face that was exactly his type, the perfect curves of your tits, hips, and ass has his knees weak. if you were to ask, he would give.

of course, his initial plan had been thrown out the window the instant he saw you. you leaned against the bar, accepting an order, with a grin on your lips. It sparked something in him, all the confidence (whether it be from the alcohol in your veins or not, it didn't matter to him) and allure.

he knew your name. how could he miss the way your own name rolled off of your tongue so easily? how could he miss the way your lips formed a smirk after seeing jungkook? how could he miss your scent when you pulled him in to kiss you?

this was jungkook's specialty, depravity. wherever he went, he brought a tale of wickedness and depravity with him, the quality hooking onto him like a magnet.

he was a fallen angel, to be sure. a demon, a fallen angel. to be more specific, an incubus. he fed off of sex and vice, appetites and irrational cravings. he drank often in front of ladies like you, at bars or in beds, whose gazes wracked over him, and he fed off of human energy.

over time, after a handful of centuries, he had gotten bored of playing the same old games in bed. jungkook knew what he wanted, however, he was never able to satisfy that itch in the back of his throat, yearning for something to quench his sinful thirst.

he was tired, watching from atop the hill nearby, where he watched the sun rest for the night. just like you had. the darkness of the night overtook the city of seoul and jungkook knew it was his hour to strike; to feed his thirst.

so, the demon went after you, hovering over your small figure over the pathetic excuse of a bed. the soft rising and falling of your chest and the soft snores that escaped from your mouth once in a while, was all the proof jungkook needed that you were fast asleep.

jungkook extended his hand towards you, brushing his knuckles on your cheek, a tremor coursing through his body as a result of the contact. the energy you were emitting caused every molecule in his body to twitch in response. captivating.

oh how badly he wanted a taste.

when you stirred a little, a small groan leaving your lips, jungkook stilled. had you woken up? however, it was just a small movement you were causing in your sleep which allowed you to further curl up against the pillow.

he grinned.

it was time.

"let's go in that dream of yours, shall we?"

-

when he opened his eyes again, jungkook didn't expect himself to be in the same bar, be in the same exact position as before. however, this time, you were looking directly at him with your hungry eyes, mimicking his.

ever since heaven had decided to clip his wings, jungkook gave up on the little purity he had left, letting himself follow his heart.

so that's why he felt no shame in eyeing your figure up and down multiple times.

it wasn't necessarily anything that stood out about you, but it was just the aura you were giving off, that sweet feminine scent that lingered near the air around you, that small curve of your lips. but it might have mostly been the way you called for him, despite not knowing his name.

"hello, handsome."

jungkook didn't really have a preference when coming to his targets. he didn't prefer virgins; he always thought that they were inexperienced and didn't know how to give a good head. he didn't prefer the experienced either; he always thought that they knew too much and made the sex too sloppy. it was somewhere in between. and by the looks of it, you seemed like the perfect target. it had his insides churning, a long yearning for a good fuck. he thought he was going crazy.

throughout his centuries of living, he saw empires and clans of royalty fall and rebuild itself, being reborn. he didn't go out of his way to feel good, but he took whatever the universe offered to him. in this case, it was you.

when the surroundings suddenly changed to a much quieter one, where no one was bumping into each other, jungkook furrowed his eyebrows. it did not, however, take him long to notice that you were in the premises of your bedroom, the small plants on your windowsill being a huge clue.

“who are you?” you inquired, your voice scarcely audible. smirking, the man took a step forward. in contrast to his sparkling eyes, the moonlight from the window follows his body flawlessly, giving him a blue tone on his skin. you became aware of his exposed skin due to his lack of clothing. as you took in his powerful body, a flicker of longing tingled between your legs.

the man stayed deafeningly silent. instead, the man crept onto the bed, trailed by what appeared to be a shadow. you kept a tight eye on his every move because you couldn't move. you felt yourself spreading your legs wide as he crept over top of you. you had a tremendous want to feel him and be completely consumed by him.

despite being a demon, a sex demon (literally), jungkook still understood the morals of consent, making sure it was his top priority. after all, he wouldn't want it if he was in your position.

"are you okay with what's going to happen?" his words were like a captivating chime in your ears, quickly relaxing you and making you desire more. you found yourself placing our hands on his shoulders in order to feel his silky skin. how was it possible for a man to be both burning hot and icy cold at the same time? the dampness between your legs was unbearable, and you were drawn to him with all your might. your nipples perked beneath your shirt as you didn’t wear a bra to bed, you remembered. this made sense. something you remembered vividly. just a shirt and panties was all you wore to bed. clearly you must be dreaming, so you may as well indulge without regret.

"y-yes." you dropped your hands to grasp your shirt and pull it over your head to display your nakedness while looking into the man's eyes. with a hunger for your every move, he kept an eye on you. as he glanced over you, his throat vibrated with a palpable growl. you noticed he was completely hard as your gaze slid down your body with his. in a humble tone, you inquire, "is this real? this isn't a dream, is it?"

the man's grin makes your entire body twitch. you feel him quickly remove your underpants and fling it somewhere off the bed. you become acutely aware of the excitement between your legs as well as the heat emanating from his body. he lowers himself still more until he's right up against your door.

“would you prefer to be dreaming... or would you prefer to be here with me?” the man inquires, his tone innocent but with a sinister undertone.

when you reached for your thighs to give yourself some relief, there was nothing there. as your eyes scanned your surroundings, all you could feel was the chill of your own flesh. red. your vision was completely red. it was almost as if someone had brought in a red mood lamp and shone it throughout the room. it was entirely painted in a bright crimson color. your epidermis. the walls on all four directions. it was all red.

everything seemed hazy and perplexing, and you wondered where you were. you were in a new environment. some may even argue it was a living hell.

you sat up and wrapped yourself in the nearest blanket you could locate before standing up. warm wooden floorboards greeted your bare feet. “what?” kneeling down, you firmly pressed your hand on the wood once again to be sure you weren't hallucinating, but then again, what's to say you weren't hallucinating the whole thing?

'im not a lunatic... you thought to yourself as the warm sensation of the wood stretched across your palm. you straightened up and looked about your flat, trying to figure out what you could do about the red. you stood up straight and began to look around your apartment to see if there was anything you could do about the red. nibbling on your lower lip gently, you stood up straight and began to look around your apartment to see if there was anything you could do about the red.

the door to your bedroom squeaks open just as you were ready to turn on the light switch. the sound reverberated throughout the room with such eerie intensity that you were nearly persuaded your tv had turned back on and was showing yet another horror movie. then something happened. from your room, a man who could only be described as the devil strolled in as if he owned the place. you would be fascinated by this man's beauty if he hadn't just walked in like that. a scar runs from the left side of his jaw all the way down to his neck, giving him a strong jawline. his delicate yet sharp-looking features are caressed by soft wild hair, and his adorable small head is adorned with two pointy horns. it was the eyes, though, that drew your attention.

not the fact that he emerged from your room shirtless. nor the fact that he had claws and a commanding tail swishing back and forth. no, it was those soulless black eyes that were piercing right through you. your very being. you were in some type of trans as the mystery man - no, not man - thanks to those black coals. devil. That sounded more like it.

you couldn't take your gaze away, but as your feet shuffled you further away from this entity, they did all the thinking for you. it only appeared to encourage the beast to keep going before you pressed up against him and the wall. as you summoned the strength to speak up, your grip on the blanket trembled a little. “wh-what are you looking for?” your voice faded away quietly.

the devil had smirked at your frailty and little dread before running a clawed hand through your unkempt hair “i'm starving, my love.” before leaning in and drinking in your aroma, it spoke in the lowest, almost infantile voice. “won't you feed me nice and well, love? after all, you did want this to be real, right?” you weren't sure if it was the tone of his voice or the proximity, but you nodded in accord.

he grabbed your neck and ran his tongue across his lips before taking you into a harsh but passionate kiss. soft cherry red lips ravished your lips in a ravenous embrace while his hands roamed across your body, grasping and groping everything it could find.

a deep moan emerged from both of you as you felt the tightness of his jeans against your leg, causing a burning feeling. the burning of want burned through your skin everywhere he touched, everywhere he invaded with his mouth, hands, and body. it was almost a nasty, twisted euphoria that made your cunt clench around nothing in eagerness.

as the unnamed monster looked you up and down, an almost animalistic growl exited his throat as he took a deep inhale, you gasped for air. “love, you smell so fucking amazing for me.” he spoke in hushed tones through little pockets of air. “you're so delicious that i could devour you whole.”

the very thought of doing so appeared to amuse him, as he let out a brief but malicious laugh before narrowing his focus to the blanket still clinging to you.

with a scowl on his face, he clasped his larger hand around the one holding the blanket in place before yanking at it, only to have you keep it in place. the devil, with his head cocked to the side, gazed at you, perplexed, as if he didn't understand what you were doing.

“it's just that,” you murmured, tightening your jaw at the gaze those empty eyes gave you like a chill up your spine, "i feel comfortable like this...” you muttered the last bit, swallowing any spit you had.

but there was no justification or apology for him, so he raised his claw into the air and cut the blanket, ripping it open wide.

fear, as well as the lust racing through your veins, were clouding your judgment once more. the notion that his claws were so near to slicing you terrified you and turned you on like nothing you'd ever experienced. it gave a sense of how perilous it was to be so near to this creature, which was part of what made it so thrilling.

"baby, nothing is safe when i'm around."

those words, on the other hand, did it for you. you reached out to him as soon as you dropped the tattered blanket on the floor, exposing yourself to him. you drew him back into another intense kiss by wrapping your arms around him and springing up to wrap your legs around his waist. as he grasped your thighs to keep you in place, he was caught completely off guard by your sudden bravery.

each passing breath spent on one another battling for control, hips sliding up against each other as your damp panties rubbed up against his encaged dick, which was most definitely pressing painfully against the denim trousers he was wearing, made the kiss more hungry and animal-like. the cool contact of skin moving up against your back and down your underwear made you whimper.

despite his animalistic state, you always thought he was beautiful, a rare creature. "you're beautiful," you murmured, oblivious to the fact that you were saying it aloud. he laughed with his head tilted back. his neck was big and thick, but it was the raised markings that went all the way around it that caught your eye; they were woven together like chains, as if he had been choked with scorching metal.

the demon kissed you long and hard, barely pausing to breathe. His tongue was lengthy and had a split down the center. it was a novel experience that was strangely addictive. you became engrossed in the way it encircled your own. with his fangs, the monster simply paused to tug on your lower lip. as his hand moved down to your thigh, you let out a faint little groan.

he sang, “such a good girl,” as he drew you up into his arms. Jungkook snatched you up like feather. as you placed your legs around his tiny waist, his arms bulged. before he entered your room, he gave you a lengthy, scorching kiss. you had your arms around his neck, sliding your fingers through his hair and scraping against the base of one of his horns as an experiment.

the devil looked down at you as you lay on your bed, his crimson eyes flashing in the dim light. only those eyes and the white-tipped base of his horns could be seen with the moon blearily seeping through your blinds. it felt as though the monster beneath your bed had arrived to devour you. slowly, he moved his hand up the wall, flicking on the light and bathing you both in a golden glow.

you eventually let your gaze drift away from his, focusing on his toned chest, tight waist, and muscular thighs. when you noticed the bulge yearning to be freed from his pants, you licked your lips. he finally went closer, his lips brushing against yours as he crept between your legs. his hands crept up to the band of your shorts, the heat of his palm scorching and heavy on your bare thighs.

he yanked your shorts down your hips and flung them behind him as he kissed you. he tore through your shirt even quicker, softly cursing as he saw your naked breasts. you yanked on his shirt, trying to get a better look at him and to touch every scrap of exposed flesh you could discover. he sat back and yanked his shirt off, displaying golden skin stained with crimson ink and muscular abs that rippled with each breath. you were so focused on his appearance that you almost missed the expression in his eye as he glanced down at you.

“fuck, you look like an angel,” he said, reaching down to rip your panties apart, only to shred them. your moist lips were exposed by the chilly air as you gasped. at the sight, he bit his lower lip and groaned. “very gentle and plaint." slowly, he ran his hands down your body, starting at the rib cage and working their way down to your thighs.

his fingers became hotter and hotter along the way, till they were on the verge of burning. until he came to your knees and quickly shoved your legs apart and up, crimson streaks remained on your skin. smirking at your hiss of pain, his palms pushed your thigh back till they touched your chest. “so ready to be used,” he states.

"please do."

“well, angel, since you asked so nicely,” he leaned very close to your cunt and licked a lengthy strip. his forked tongue slithered inside your slit, relishing in the lengthy groan that came out of your mouth. he swirled above the opening for a minute, then slipped just the tip of it inside when you finally relaxed against him.

jungkook gradually started penetrating your pussy with his tongue. the warm, slithery appendage that slithers in and out of you with increasing ease, flicking at your g-spot and making you whine in delight. you exhaled with relief when he licked up to your clit, only to scream when he clamped his mouth over the delicate nub and sucked hard enough for you to see stars.

moans and groans emitted from your lips and the demon could have sworn he had never heard anything prettier. his mouth salivates against your lips, only causing him to dip down near your entrance and trail his tongue back to your little nub. oh how sweet you were.

"my angel's already close to cumming?" there was no denying that. he had already noticed you were quickly approaching your high by the way you tugged on his locks and the way your moans became higher in pitch.

the demon took two of his long fingers and slipped them into your pussy, a squelching noise emitting from the action. you tugged so hard on your lips that it was plump and swollen, the irony blood almost spilling from them. he quickly started pumping his fingers and curling it, sending you seeing stars. he wanted you to get ready for the real deal (aka his cock).

"god, please fuck me, please please i'm so close to cumming but i wanna cum on your cock, please," if it weren't for you sounding so pretty and desperate for him, the demon would have prolonged the foreplay.

“there is no ‘god' here,” he hissed, sliding two fingers inside your pussy and sucking hard on your clit as you almost shouted in delight. his fingers curled within you quickly, drawing you closer to the brink. your fingers ran aimlessly through his hair, yanking it back to keep him near. you scratched on one of his horns with your nails.

it wasn't until another orgasm crashed upon you that the demon stopped.

you were spent; messy hair, hazy eyes, drool dripping down your chin and onto your neck and some parts of your chest.

as sly as a fox, you felt jungkook pressing his heavy length on your clit, the warmth and hardness of it evident in the way it pressed up against the little nub. jungkook evilly rutted against the bundle, sending sharp pleasures erupting from the mere action.

you thought he would stop at a few thrusts, however, jungkook had other plans in mind. those being seeing you completely helpless underneath him (not like you weren't before).

with one more came a push, your insides clenching and squeezing the head of his cock like a vice. jungkook stills above you; only the tip in and you're already this tight? he allows a shaky breath to reveal itself from his throat, the sound coming out a little more strangled and choked that he intended it to be.

you took him inch by glorious inch. the two of you reveled in the pleasure, drinking off of each other's moans and heat.

the rest of the night was spent in each other's arms. it wasn't romantic, but it sure as hell was full of pleasure.

[give-soup-please]

Previous anon here

I understand. Hell, I even get your perspective, at first you were Just Some Guy, but then I saw more of you. You're the guy who really likes soup, who likes analysing and enjoying fan content, who ran away from home. The guy who lived a life worth considering a story in of itself. When someone makes something that I enjoy, I feel happy and associate that happiness with them. I always rejoiced whenever I saw your comments, I love hearing what authors think of their works, or just commentary on it. Just. The person behind the art puts a lot of the art into context.

And I'll be honest, I've read your response over and over again. I don't think it's still sunk in that this blog has an expiration date. Despite that, I feel pressured by myself to say "oh, you can still think of the characters, you can still love them", but considering your ride or die artistry, I feel more negative will come from positive there. (Apologies if this is a bit all over the place, it is roughly 4am.)

Just. I care about you. I feel emotions for you. I see a you behind the curtain of words that you display, and I care. I feel comforting warmth when you post, showing you're alive. I feel conflicted and bittersweet about this whole situation, and I feel hopeless yet hopeful that there'll be a happy ending to this. I want to say that you can walk your own path, but I don't know enough to say that. I want and wish to be able to help or know what to say for comfort, but instead it's just this jambling mess. I'll miss you, and I'll be concerned for you. What I want to do is pull you close, hug you tight enough to make all the bad problems be squeezed out, and work together on the ones that can't be squeezed out. But I am a stranger on the Internet staying up well past their bedtime. And you are another stranger on the Internet, probably sleeping much more consistently than me. I wish I could end this on something thoughtful and daring and caring, but I'm nearly passing out every time I close my eyes. So, know that you are loved, even if it's the most distant, platonic love you've ever seen.

See ya soupman 🍜🍜🍜

I've kept this in my inbox for a while now, just smiling every time I read it. I'm glad that you and others have gotten joy out of what I've produced over the summer, and I'm doubly glad that people are enjoying the glimpses they see of the person behind the blog.

The relationship I have between my hobbies, my academic life, and the characters I love dearly is a complicated one. Even now, despite the fact that I've been thinking through a response for this for 2+ weeks, I still have trouble defining it. I will always love TSP, there's no way out of it, and I believe that the narrator is one of those exceptionally rare characters who I will always enjoy thinking about and rotating in my head. That won't go away, despite my attempts to suppress how I feel about the game. Believe me, I tried. It didn't work, the narrator lives rent free in my head and is outrageously smug about it. Even now, if I concentrate, I can see him grinning, kicking his feet back, and refusing to go. And frankly, I love him for it. Smug bastard.

The blog can't continue, I already made that determination when I started looking at what being a full time student means. It's a shame, but I only have the brainpower to focus on one at a time. And rather than keep stringing people along and have them wait and hope I get to their request, I decided it would be easier on all of us to make a clean break.

Me going off to college is... technically a happy ending in its own right. It's a matter of perspective, really. I'm majoring in English, my long standing passion. The thing it feels like I was born to do. I wrote my first story when I was five, devoured my first analysis essay at twelve, and I was set on the road for wonderful things. I get to read books and write all day, and you can bet that I'm looking forward to it. On top of that, if I keep my GPA high enough, I've got guaranteed housing for the next 2-3 years, depending on how I play my cards. (That's a long story by itself, a combination of unexpected financial help and scholarships.) As a technically homeless youth living in the most expensive state in America, that's huge. Housing is so hard to come by, and I'm incredibly lucky to have the resources I do. It's either go to college, or risk going to the streets. I know which choice I'm making.

While the direction my life is taking isn't the happy fairytale ending everyone hopes for, it's definitely not a tragedy either. It's a complicated transition between one phase of my life and another. There's grief and bitterness and sorrow, but also a lot of joy and excitement.

There are lovely books in this ivory tower, and the gilded cage is comfortable. I am genuinely content, now that the grief is starting to pass. I mean- they're offering a 'video games and culture' class. C'mon, I'm going to take that for the pure excuse and joy to rant about TSP in essay format. Hell, I'll do my dissertation on it down the line, if the chance ever presents itself. Even within complicated situations, there are ways to find joy and entertainment. I'm planning on taking fun, easy A classes wherever I can. Life will be good, because I'm going to make it that way, even within my limitations.

I appreciate your words, whoever you are. I do not know you, I do not recognize your writing style, but your words are seen and appreciated. Hugs, both physical and virtual, are appreciated too.

I'm wishing you well, anon, just as much as you wish it for me.

[vrishchikawrites]

You know what would be interesting?

JC never lost his golden Core.

And Wei Wuxian did not lose his.

But he still gets dropped into the Burial Mounds. And like I dunno how, but he comes out of there having mastered the new form of cultivation.

Jiang Cheng acts like a dick that's par for cannon. And this Wei Wuxian who has survived the burial Mounds with his golden core intact has no time for his drama.

He definitely confesses to Lan Wangji o ce he is out of the burial mounds.

Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji in the Sunshot campain would be brilliant. Cultivating and * *wink wink nudge nudge* * dual cultivating.

JC is seething with jelousy. He has everything. The gentry name, the money and sect leadership but the whole world is only speaking about Wei Wuxian and his like awesome cultivation. Both the sword style and with his flute.

Wen Qing and Wen Ning- Wen Ning convinces his sister to join the war. Wen Ning wants to be on Wei Wuxian's side.

What would JC throw a tantrum over if he doesn't have anything to throw a tantrum over??

Like for example he blames Wei Wuxian for Lotus Pier burning. Obviously it's not his mistake. But one day he is yelling at Wei Wuxian about it and sect leader someone maybe XiChen, maybe Sect leader Nie. Whoever. Comes and like defends Wei Wuxian.

What would he do then faced with the facts? Cling all the more to his warped world view? Or apologize?

It will be interesting to see.

You don't have to take this prompt if it's too messy or whatever. I love you and your writing.

Also, thank you for choosing to write my previous prompt.

XOXO.

(this is a little similar to trapped and patient but also quite different. Hope you like it! The format is a bit different because this is a lot of time to cover in a short prompt)

When he stumbles out of the Burial Mounds, Wei Wuxian is stunned. He can't believe he made it, that he was able to survive it, without his sword.

Wei Wuxian walks forward shakily, one unsteady step at a time, putting distance between him and that wretched place.

He feels weak, drained, devastated in small ways.

But he is free.

---

Yiling offers shelter in unexpected ways. He's able to hide in a temple to recover. His condition is wretched enough that he's mistaken for a beggar. A few people take pity on him and offer fruits and buns.

It takes him a week.

That's all it takes for him to recover.

Wei Wuxian washes all traces of Burial Mounds off him, soaks in icy river water for hours on end until he feels purified and reforged.

Now, he's ready for revenge.

---

Wei Wuxian has only tried his cultivation method on the dead. He has used it to repel the fierce corpses, fierce ghosts, and spirits soaked in resentment.

When he tests the method on the Wens, it proves to be even more effective. They scramble like mindless beasts, driven by fear and confusion. The sounds of his Dizi pierce the air and induce madness.

He watches from a distance, indifferent as the Wens turn on each other, swinging their swords, shouting at phantoms, all sense and intellect gone.

He turns away.

---

Jiang Cheng's arms wrap around him and the fog around his mind starts to slowly recede. He stands stiffly, blinking a little before looking beyond his martial brother.

Lan Zhan is there, staring at him with wide eyes. There's so much open concern on his usually stoic face that Wei Wuxian wants to turn away.

"Wei Ying,"

It is only then, under the power of that golden gaze, that his fugue state dissipates. He sees Lan Zhan step forward, almost reaching out only to pull back at the last moment.

Jiang Cheng pushes him away and punches his shoulder, "Where have you been? How dare you abandon us and just frolic off somewhere?"

Wei Wuxian swalllows with difficulty and answers their questions with his habitual dismissive charm.

But that honest expression of open concern on Lan Zhan's beautiful face doesn't leave.

He meets those golden eyes and feels something shift within him.

Shaking his head, he dismisses the feeling. There's no time for sentimental reunions. He turns his attention towards Wen Chao, unsheathes his sword, and kills him in one clean strike.

There. Done.

---

The war is already in full swing by the time he joins it. His martial brother and Lan Zhan are quick to take him to Qinghe, not even letting him ride his own sword.

"Wei-gongzi, I'm happy to see you safe," Lan Xichen greets, running a discreet eye over him. The older Lan brother's concern is well hidden but Wei Wuxian senses it nevertheless.

The man looks like he's just about ready to banish him to the healing halls.

He opens his mouth to reassure Lan Xichen but Nie Mingjue intervenes, slapping his back solidly, "I hear you're responsible for the devastation at Yiling. Good work!"

Wei Wuxian smiles brightly, hoping to banish that increasingly familiar look from Lan Zhan's face. "Thank you, Nie-zongzhu." He smiles up at the man, "I can give you a full report of what happened if you wish it."

The Chifeng-zun's expression shifts into one of approval and he nods, "I do wish it."

"I would like to know as well, if you don't mind," Lan Xichen says and Nie Mingjue nods before he glances at Lan Zhan.

He chuckles, "Lan er-gonzi can join us as well."

---

Wei Wuxian doesn't realize he's been spending more time with the Lan brothers and Nie Mingjue until Jiang Cheng angrily points it out.

"You're too good for us, are you?" He demands, "Abandoning us in favor of your new friends! Even in the battlefield, you and Lan Wangji are inseparable! Have some shame! How dare you abandon your responsibilities and mess around with that man?"

"a-Cheng," Shijie reprimands gently but her voice is weak.

"Aiya, Jiang Cheng, who keeps track of such things amidst a war? They're all our allies. It's not like I have abandoned everyone." He still trains with the Jiang disciples and leads them in battle after all.

"Wei Wuxian!"

"Jiang Cheng," His voice makes his irritation clear, "Is this really the right time to worry about such trivial matters? Who cares about appearances during war? Are were not all one when on the battlefield?" He asks, narrowing his eyes on the furious Jiang, "We don't know whether we'll live or die when we ride out and you're concerned about who fights alongside me? Just who are you speaking of?"

"Who I am speaking of?" Jiang Cheng snaps in return, "Your obsession with that man is unseemly and reflects poorly on the sect! You know it and yet you carry on shamelessly-"

"My obsession?" He demands, "Just what are you trying to imply, Jiang Cheng? You're going to be a brat just because Lan Zhan happens to be the only one able to keep up with me?" It is no secret that his three month stint sharpened his cultivation in ways people find hard to fathom. He didn’t just develop a new cultivation method, he grew. Surviving the Burial Mounds is a feet beyond the skill and endurance of most cultivators. 

Wei Wuxian has earned his already formidable reputation.

Jiang Cheng reels back at the reminder, his face twisting with rage.

Never let it be said that Wei Wuxian takes things lying down. He has spent a lifetime appeasing Jiang Cheng and dealing with his insecurities.

He no longer has the patience.

---

He reaches out instinctively, pulling Lan Zhan out of a blade's path, spinning around to block the strike with his bare arm.

His thick leather brace manages to minimize the damage and he doesn't lose his arm but it is a near thing.

With a hiss, he crowds against Lan Zhan and brings Suibian down in a sharp slash, cutting the Wen before him from left shoulder to right hip.

"Reckless." Lan Zhan says later as he carefully stitches the cut.

"I couldn't let you get hurt." Wei Wuxian says softly, peering down at the kneeling figure before him. He has seen Lan Zhan in various states of indignity, covered in blood, robes soaked in the disgusting sludge of a war-torn field.

Nothing diminishes his beauty.

Wei Wuxian's heart races, his head spinning as he smells the scent of sandalwood. He swallows as Lan Zhan shifts closer, carefully snipping the excess thread and studying his neat stitches.

This close, he feels overwhelmed and realization dawns.

"I love you," He breathes, stunned.

He loves Lan Zhan. The knowledge strikes him now, suddenly, without warning. "How did I not know?" Wei Wuxian feels strangely dazed. How could he not know? It is so obvious to him, his constant need for Lan Zhan's attention, "I hate it when you ignore me." The feeling of those snapping golden eyes on him when he finally manages to gain Lan Zhan's attention, "It's thrilling when you don't."

He has never met anyone more beautiful, "I find you better looking than any maiden." Lan Zhan's proximity now makes him feel-, "Breathless," He says, "When I'm close to you I feel- how did I miss-"

Lan Zhan grip is like vice around his wrist.

Wei Wuxian stops, going pale as he realizes how brazenly he had just confessed love to a man. If Jiang Cheng were here, he'd definitely gut him with Sandu, "Lan Zhan, I-"

Lan Zhan surges forward, eyes blazing and expression dark.

Warm lips slide over his and his mind goes silent.

He doesn't think a single thought that night.

---

War doesn't wait for anyone and Wei Wuxian doesn't say anything in protest when Lan Zhan pulls away from him. He watches with heavy eyes as Lan Zhan shrugs on his discarded outer robes and glances at him.

"Is your body alright?" He asks and Wei Wuxian feels a blush crawl up his neck.

“No! Of course it isn’t,“ He complains even though his body is buzzing with lingering pleasure. He pouts up at Lan Zhan, who studies him with careful golden eyes, “Really, going on and on, taking your pleasure without any care for my virgin body.“ Lan Zhan’s ears are delightfully red, “Who knew er-gege could be so bold?“

“Wei Ying,“ Lan Zhan’s expression is flat but his voice carries a hint of a waver. Wei Wuxian just grins in response, “Be serious.“

In all honesty, his body is already back to its regular state of being. His Golden Core is still spinning furiously and the lingering energy from Dual Cultivation has healed any aches and pains he might have. 

“Fine,“ He says in a petulant tune, inwardly delighted that Lan Zhan is now his, “But er-gege must kiss me to make me feel better.”

Lan Zhan doesn’t hesitate, leaning over him and gently tipping his chin up for the demanded kiss. 

Wei Wuxian sighs, sinking into it as a curtain of silken black hair forms a private cocoon around him. 

---

The war ends but Wei Wuxian’s problems don’t end with it. Three issues stand before him; helping the Wen remnants, helping rebuild YunmengJiang, and figuring out how to marry Lan Zhan. 

One obstacle stands in the way of two of these three goals. Jiang Cheng absolutely refuses to lift a finger to help the Wen remnants, even though Wen Qing’s assistance helped them win the war. Jin Guangyao may have killed Wen Ruohan but Wen Qing prevented thousands of casualties.

Wen Ning was also responsible for rescuing Jiang Cheng from the Wen capture before he lost his Golden Core. It was fortunate that Wen Zhuliu had been called to visit Wen Ruohan and Wen Chao had to wait to enact that punishment. 

Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian managed to steal Jiang Cheng away just hours before Wen Zhuliu returned.

And yet, Jiang Cheng chooses to side with the Jins on the matter instead of listening to Lan Xichen or Nie Mingjue. Wei Wuxian knows it is partly because their sister is marrying into the Jin clan and they can’t afford to make things difficult for her, but still.

Jin Zixuan will obviously protect shijie. There’s no need to be so cautious, especially if three out of four sects oppose imposing any sort of punishment on innocent people. 

On a personal front, Jiang Cheng’s disapproval of his relationship with Lan Zhan is blatant.

Jiang Cheng can’t really stop Wei Wuxian from marrying whoever he wishes. He doens’t need the sect leader’s permission as he’s not really the member of the family. But his shidi is making things difficult with his sneering disapproval and contemptuous comments in public.  

He has already alienated Lan Xichen completely by calling Lan Zhan’s honor in question (boy did he earn the punch Wei Wuxian had leveled at him - sect leader or no). Nie Mingjue will never side with some upstart over Lan Xichen. 

Lan Zhan himself doesn’t care. He has never liked Jiang Cheng and he never will. He only retaliates when Jiang Cheng tries to attack Wei Wuxian. 

His protective er-gege as no tolerance for anyone trying to harm him.

Which is what, ultimately, breaks Wei Wuxian’s ties with YunmengJiang. 

The confrontation is embarrassingly public. He doesn’t mind Lan Xichen or Nie Mingjue being present but feels upset about Jin Guangshan and Jin Guangyao being there as well. 

“Twin Prides of Yungmeng, isn’t that what you promised me?“ Jiang Cheng demands, “Where will your pride be if you break all of your promises and get into...” He waves his hand at Lan Zhan in disgust, “Is this how you intend to repay us? My father raised you to be the Head Disciple of the Jiang Sect and you would rather be some sort of deviant?“

“Jiang Cheng-“

“And you would side with the Wen dogs too! Was this always your intention? Did you always want to bring down my sect and support its enemies?” 

“The Wen remnants have helped us. They’re not our enemies.“

“They’re not our enemies now,“ Jin Guanyao interjects calmly, his voice soothing and patient, “But surely you see that it may not remain so? We cannot risk another war.”

“They’re barely a few hundred people and we have already taken most of their resources. They’ll live as poor peasants. How can they be a threat to us?“ Wei Wuxian asks. 

“You’re indeed naïve, Wei-gongzi,“ Jin Guangshan says in a gentle, placating tone, “Perhaps your fondness for Wen-guniang is making you turn a blind eye. Beautiful women have a tendency to do that.“ He chuckles indulgently.

The sly implication in his tone isn’t lost on anyone. Lan Zhan’s expression turns frosty and Wei Wuxian feels a surge of fury strong enough to make his blood boil. There are so many things wrong with that statement that Wei Wuxian, for once, is rendered speechless.

“You question the honor of Wei Wuxian of all people?“ Nie Mingjue demands, taking a step forward, “I have stayed silent because Jiang Sect business isn’t my business but I will not have you slander and belittle a proven warrior in my presence!“

“Indeed,“ Lan Xichen says calmly but there’s no mistaking the sharp look in his eyes. Lan Xichen rarely reacts to provocations or interferes in sect matters that don’t concern him. But he’s not going to let anyone upset his younger brother carelessly, “The matter of the Wens is easy to resolve. Let us give them a small piece of land, let them set up a village, and forbid cultivation among them.“

“Er-ge,“ Jin Guangyao begins but Lan Zhan is out of patience. 

He steps back and bows to all assembled before placing a hand on Wei Wuxian’s back, “Wei Ying will choose his own path. Wens will remain free. Wei Ying and I will marry.“ He meets Jiang Cheng’s furious gaze, “Jiang-zongzhu must decide whether his brother’s happiness matters to him.“

Wei Wuxian winces. 

“My brother’s happiness?“ Jiang Cheng demands, “All everyone has ever cared about is his happiness! What about me? What about our Sect? A sect he nearly destroyed because of his loyalty towards you.“ Jiang Cheng looks at him, “Did you forget my mother? My father? How do you intend to repay the enormous debt you carry, Wei Wuxian?“

Wei Wuxian stares back at him, “What is my repayment, Jiang Cheng?” He asks softly, “What will it take for you to consider that debt repaid?” It has been over five years since the fall of Lotus Pier. Wei Wuxian has bled and slogged through war to restore that place to its former glory. He has kept Jiang Cheng safe, helped renegotiate shijie’s marriage, and used his name to draw skilled cultivators to YungmengJiang. 

What more can he give? 

“Loyalty.“ He stills, “You devote your life to YungmengJiang and nothing else.“

Lan Xichen makes a faint, alarmed noise while Nie Mingjue huffs in disapproval. 

Wei Wuxian takes a deep breath, feeling Lan Zhan’s fingers flex on his back. He levels a flat look at Jiang Cheng and thinks on the matter of debts. He thinks about Madam Yu’s refusal to bend, of Jiang-zongzhu’s passivity and lack of planning. He thinks about the Wen’s unprovoked attack on Cloud Recesses and the inevitability of war. 

He thinks of his Lan Zhan and shijie’s Jin Zixuan, without swords and facing an armed group of Wens under Wen Chao’s orders. 

He thinks of love. Of what it means to be truly, unconditionally loved. 

No sorrys and no thank yous. No debt owed for simply being a part of someone’s life. 

He thinks of acceptance that comes with an older brother’s amused smile. He thinks of an uncle’s gruff admonishment to behave followed by a stiff reminder to eat, you’re skin and bones already. 

He takes a deep breath and decides. 

“No.“