#the ai there definitely needs to go to therapy or something

[shinycollarboneapologist]

illicit affairs

(pt 2 of my self proclaimed taylor swift verse)

content: 18+ MINORS DNI, p in v,  unprotected sex! (be smart babies) more semi-public sex because you and matty are insatiable, alcohol consumption, more miscommunication and an obviously jealous matty and reader. 

matty is sick to his stomach.

well not literally. he’s a bit dramatic in that sense; as he’s been told multiple times by his mates, family members (both close and estranged), the internet, his fans, that random cashier at tesco, and you. god, how all of his thoughts turn back to you. he’s intoxicated by you, and can feel your presence everywhere he goes. and now, he’s forced to watch you curl up with some poser on this god-forsaken red carpet.

he knows it's all a stunt for the movie you’re in. you had mentioned it the last time you were in town, almost as if you were warning him in a sense seeing as he and george were helping with the soundtracking and all. you were adamant that he not be blindsided. you didn’t have to do that. you weren’t his. he wasn’t yours. it was as simple as that.

knowing that it's all a false narrative doesn’t dull the ache in his chest as he watches you wrap yourself around your co-star. you’re kissing his cheek and beaming up at him. it feels like a knife directly to his gut, but also sends fire running through his veins. it's relentless. over and over. his stomach is twisting and he very well could be sick.

that’s not the way to make an entrance to a movie premiere, though. and he’s sure that the interviewer would rather him not empty the contents of his stomach on her designer heels. so he’s chalking it all up to him being dramatic, and he tries his best not to think about the way your co-star (what was his name? will? sam? not that he even cares, he just wants to be cordial when you inevitably introduce him.), is dipping his head down into your neck and whispering something in your ear. whatever he’s said sends you into a fit of laughter, giggles ringing through the air. matty’s gut binds in jealousy. and it is sick the way his subconscious reminds him that you’re not his. you never were.

those late nights in parking lots were a thing of the past, small little luminescent moments showcasing what could have been. what should have been? he feels the bile rise to his throat as you and what’s-his-name begin walking towards where the group is situated on the carpet. he tenses.

it isn’t until he hears the interviewer welcoming the both of you over that he turns his head up to meet your eyes. you’re a vision in anything you wear, he’s certain of it, but this dress looks as if it was made for you. it hugs your body in ways that he can only dream of doing himself.

“hi everyone,” you breathe out shakily, a small giddy laugh falling from your lips. the guys boast their own “hellos”. all except matty who stands there, eyes having a hard time moving from yours. he’s going to chalk it all up to nerves and red-carpet fright when the guys give him grief over it later. but in reality, he can’t even think straight. not when you’re standing here, looking like that and wrapped around your co-star's arm like a pair of old-hollywood lovers. he’s nauseated.

“it's so wonderful to see you both! how are you guys feeling making your red carpet debut as a couple?” the interviewer is beaming. but all you can focus on is matty. he’s so close to you. you can smell the remnants of a cigarette and his aftershave in the air. the suit he’s wearing looks perfectly tailored and he’s got his typical sunglasses situated on his nose. he looks amazing. but all the radio silence is confusing following you telling him about the stunt relationship you were entering into.

you let your costar, josh, take the lead on answering the questions. the small shooters of alcohol you both downed on the ride over to the theatre had made it easier to pretend to be a couple, and they sure as hell make it easier to be this close to matty and not be able to do anything about it. josh’s arm is still wrapped tightly around your waist, and matty’s eyes are still burning a hole into your face. you would feel his stare anywhere and it takes everything in you to not do something about the way your stomach is burning with pent-up desire for him. you’re supposed to be mad at him and loved up on your costar, but you know deep down that the way you and matty are looking at each other is going to raise the eyebrows of those with trained eyes. it’ll be plastered on some gossip twitter account by tomorrow morning.

that’s why you two usually left your illicit affairs behind closed doors and under the covers or in desolate parking lots at odd hours of the night. places where you would lie to your friends about your locations, where no cameras could pierce through and disrupt the haven you two had made for each other. you know you’re making out your four am “you up?” texts between you and matty out to be a lot more romantic than they are. but there’s something about the way he’s looking at you that makes you want to act out the unspeakable things you’ve been thinking.

when the hustle and bustle of the red carpet is over and the movie’s end credits have finally echoed out throughout the theatre, you find yourself tucked into the corner of the after-party. you’ve been fielding questions about your newfound “relationship” with josh all night, slightly irritated that no one’s cared to ask much about the movie or your part in it. its tiring and leaves you feeling unsettled. all of the happiness you’ve felt since walking in here has almost left your body, especially as your trained eyes are keyed in on a certain lead singer chatting up a cocktail waitress.

your heeled foot is tapping on the floor almost impatiently. you watch indignantly as the two of them laugh and smile at each other. it sends a chill down your spine as your eyes bore into the side of matty’s head. there’s venom in your stare, and you’re out for some form of vengeance. his eyes drift over towards you, a firm smirk on his plush lips, before he’s diving back into the conversation with the woman in front of him. you don’t even realize the way your manicured nails are digging into the sensitive skin at your palms until a sharp sting shoots from those nerves up to your brain. you look down and stare at the indents on your skin, huffing to yourself.

two can play that game, but you’re not even sure you want to play anymore.

you’re off to find solace in someplace else, any place else. figure crossing in his line of sight. you feel his eyes follow you. the air shifts and there’s an unspoken yet undeniable understanding between the two of you. you watch from your peripheral as he excuses himself from the conversation. your pace quickens as you make sharp turns and brash decisions that lead you to the long, empty hallway near the lavatories.

matty is hot on your heels and you’re both giggling to each other like two people who had gotten away with murder. you can’t even bring yourself to care that someone might have seen you both leave together. it takes only a second before he’s got you pressed up against the wall directly next to the bathroom. his lips crash into yours and you let out a low moan of contentment, arms looping loosely around his neck as his own feverish hands begin exploring your body over your dress. he’s got you right where he wants you; pressed up against him and feeling you up through that dress that he’s been fantasizing taking you out of all goddamned night.

“fucking need you so bad. can you feel it?” he groans against your lips, hips pressing into yours.

you’re nodding, grinding your hips back into his. his hips stutter a bit against yours, teeth catching your bottom lip and tugging at it. the whine you let out is sinful music to his ears and he’s willing to risk it all and just take you in the middle of the hallway.

“just fuck me already,” you purr against his lips. he’s reluctantly pulling away from your lips, pressing a soft kiss to your nose as he drags you into the empty bathroom.

the door is locked behind him.

and that’s when you pounce. your lips are melded with his again, fingers combing through his hair. you tug gently at it, wanting nothing more than to `illicit some kind of reaction from him. you get what you were after, his lips vibrating against your own. his nails dig into your hips through the thin material of your dress.

he’s growing impatient though, and the time is ticking. people are going to notice your absence. his lithe fingers trail up your thighs and then your torso. you’re shuddering against him. finally, he unties the straps of your dress and pulls down the top. matty pulls away again. your lips are chasing after his, a soft laugh coming from deep in his chest.

he sighs at the sight of you bare breasts, head dipping down to press his lips to the soft skin languorously. matty’s lips wrap around one of your nipples, his free hand coming up to cup and pinch at your other breast. he sucks gently on the erect bud, teeth grazing ever so slightly. you’re dizzy and it feels like someone’s raised the temperature of the room about ten degrees since you both entered. you moan out, albeit a bit loud for your location, soaking in the pleasure that’s finally radiating through your veins.

your own hands get busy reaching down and undoing his belt. you make quick of the button of his trousers, reaching up to lick at your hand before you’re dipping it below the waistband of his boxers. your fingers curl around the base of his cock. he all but shudders at the feeling, a low throaty moan reverberating over your skin with each stroke. matty’s eyes shift up hazily to meet yours. you’re sure you could come on the spot from that look alone. his eyes are half-lidded, pupils are blown out with lust. he pulls back from your chest after one last nip to your tender nipple.

“need to be inside of you,” his words stumble out of his lips, hips bucking into your hand that’s still working over his cock. your thumb swipes over the sensitive tip and he all but loses it. he growls, hoisting you over his shoulder and shuffling the two of you toward the marble countertop. it’s a beautiful piece, and he’s about to desecrate you on it.

your hands grab at his boxers, shoving the material down. matty’s pushing the material of your dress up past the curvature of your ass, fingers dragging the crotch of your panties to the side. he firmly grasps the base of his cock in his hands, letting the tip drag up and down your slick folds. he plunges himself into you with little to no warning. a loud moan falls from your lips, you’re grabbing onto his shoulders.

“gotta be quiet, baby. don’t want anyone to come find us, do we?”

his lips attach themselves to your neck almost immediately. your head is rolling back, thumping against the mirror as he sucks and nips and soothes the sensitive area at the base of your throat. he’s everywhere; groaning against your skin with his arms holding you close to him. he’s inside of you. he’s intoxicating, more so than any cocktail you could have binged on that night.

“you... fuck.. you didn’t answer my calls,” you murmur out, biting back moan after moan as his hips slam into yours harder. you know its not the place or the time for this. but this is the one instance where you’ve got him right where you want him. he isn’t about to just leave you there. at least you hope he won’t. it's the first thing you’ve uttered to him other than the occasional whimper of his name since entering the bathroom. your hands find purchase on the edge of the counter, white knuckles as you grip hard onto it in an attempt to not fly into the wall behind you.

“didn’t have anything to say,” he scoffs.

“you always have something to say,” you retort.

“are we going to converse about our lack of communication or am i allowed to continue fucking you within an inch of your life?”

“is that what you’re doing?”

“brat.” he all but growls out. his hands grip your hips, small crescent indents left in the wake of his nails. matty’s thrusts increase in intensity and speed and your rebuttal is caught in your throat in an almost too-loud whine. your legs instinctively wrap around his waist, ankles locking behind his back. he’s shifting his hips up a bit and that’s when he finds it. you know for a fact that he knows your body better than yourself, and light years better than anyone else you’ve ever been with. your eyes are rolling back into your head, its hard to ignore the smirk that seems permanently etched onto his lips; swollen and rouged from your own doing.

“thats the spot, isn’t it? hm? tell me how it feels, baby,” he’s grunting and groaning in your ear. matty’s tempting you, testing you. a lewd moan falls from your lips as he nips at your earlobe, “hm? didn’t quite hear you, baby. c’mon, let me hear it.” matty slams his hips into yours, his thrusts punctuating his words.

“feels so good. you’re so good,” you all but wail at him. the loud shriek that leaves your lips is enough to fuel him on. the tip of his cock is piercing that spot over and over again, leaving matty as the only thing on your mind. he’s all consuming with his eyes locked on yours and his hand coming up to caress your cheek, a soft comparison to the onslaught of his hips rutting against you.  

matty brings a hand between you both, his thumb seeking solace on your clit as he grins down at you, “that wasn’t so hard, huh?”

you’re trying your best to glower at him, but the way he’s filling you, the way he’s touching you, you can hardly even catch your breath. if it wasn’t for his other hand gripping onto your hip, you’re sure you would be thrashing around underneath him. the coil in the pit of your stomach is getting tighter and tighter and you feel as if you’re about to burst. he’s all-encompassing, everywhere all at once. without so much as a warning to matty, or yourself for that matter, the coil breaks and you’re coming around him. hands reaching up to grip onto his shoulders as you lose yourself in the pleasure, loud moans falling from your lips.

a shocked sob falls from matty’s lips as his eyes rake over your body, watching as you arch and moan and whine. he’s not sure he’s seen anything as beautiful as the sight laid out in from of him. his hips stutter as he continues drilling into you. his thumb doesn’t halt on your clit and you’re pretty sure you’re seeing stars as you convulse around him. the pleasure is white hot, searing through your veins. you feel the coil wind up tight in the pit of your stomach again, unbashful whines of pleasure falling from your lips once more.

“think you got one more in there for me, pretty baby?” his unoccupied hand comes up to cup at your cheek, the complete antithesis of what he’s perpetrating between your legs. you can tell he’s close by the way his voice tolls throughout the room; sounding completely strained as he just barely can hold back his own inevitable albeit pleasurable end. matty’s working you harder and faster than before, chasing after your second climax before he’s even had a chance at his own. the epitome of a modern-day gentleman.

“fuck, please,” you whimper out, feeling yourself teeter over the edge again. he’s watching you, mouth agape, and allowing his sinister cries of pleasure to escape now. you’ve both got no care in the world, the only thing stuck in your mind is the animalistic drive to fall into your pleasure once more.

“give it to me, baby. wanna feel you again. c’mon,” he’s practically whining as he drills into you. you’re gripping hard onto his shoulders, head rolling back, and barring your neck to him. the desire for him to lean forward and liter your neck with the remnants of him is strong, but he knows the repercussions of his actions for the both of you.

the fucked out moans coming from your throat send him into an indulgent fury. he wants nothing more than to feel you convulse and writhe around him. if he had it his way, he would never leave this spot; cock piercing through your cunt with such fervor. he loves watching you come, loves making you come.

“i’m right there,” you plead, nails digging into his skin. he feels the bite from your nails through the material of his dress shirt and it only pushes him to practically drag you down onto his cock, over and over and over and over and-

the pleasure rips through your veins, it's stronger than the last time. you pleasure-filled sobs of his name are the only thing that can be heard, aside from the slapping of skin as he works you through this blissful climax. he’s not far behind you, hips coming to a faltering stop as he spills inside of you with a loud cry.

you’re both breathing heavily, chests rising and falling and sticky with sweat and god only knows what else. your body is shuddering with the aftershocks. his forehead presses down onto yours and you can’t help but smile up at him through baited breaths. matty returns the gesture, leaning down to smash his lips into yours. the kiss is more controlled then the last one, there’s something more behind it. something you can’t quite put your finger on.

after you both wordlessly fix your clothes and clean up the mess you’ve made, it feels a bit tense between you. like all of that pining and desperation, all of the pleasure and satiation has led to its climax coming straight for the both of you. there’s so much you want to say to him, so much lingering in the sticky air. but you bite your tongue.

little do you know that he’s teetering right on the edge of falling from this mercurial high you’ve entranced him in. matty wants nothing more than to expose his true feelings to you, but much like yourself, he stops before he can. leaving you with one last, lingering and addictive kiss before he’s opening the door for you and letting you out into the much cooler hallway.

not much is spoken as you return to the main affair.

the party has begun to wind down quite a bit and you’re about to ask matty what his plans are later when you realize his looming presence is absent from next to you. you blink back the tears that begin to sting at the sides of your eyes. you’re fighting back the impending thoughts in your brain as you walk yourself over to josh who’s just as much ready to head out as you. part of you wants to find matty, tell him how much it hurt to be abandoned like that. but you know this wasn’t his thing, or at least you assumed. from the first longing stare across the room, to the most recent illicit meeting behind the bathroom door, you’re inevitably his. you can’t tell him though, because there’s no way he feels the same. you’re left a godforsaken mess with erratic thoughts and quiet sobs falling from your mouth, arm curled around josh’s as he leads you outside.

matty’s watching from the corner of the room, nursing a drink that he has no interest in consuming. he’s going to see the pictures of you leaving with josh tomorrow, knowing fully well that only minutes prior he had you contorted on top of a bathroom counter and writhing for him. he’s pretty sure his cum is still dripping down your thigh. the smug thoughts don’t dull the ache he has in his chest though. no matter how many times he reminds himself that the relationship between you and your co-star is contractual, it doesn’t help. because he’s then reminded of your radiant, effervescent being and knows just how easy it is to actually fall in love with you. 

he’s nothing more than an idiotic mess when it comes to you.

you see, that’s the problem with illicit affairs. they always leave someone, in this case, two people, wanting more and ruining themselves a million little times.

[visionthefox]

What do you think of the new therapy episode? I agree with several of the comments that maybe the reason Sun never got close with Solar was because he's become anti-social due to everything that happened to him, and he might expect any new friend to mistreat him(like Monty or the Glamrocks), or that they'd get killed(like what ended up happening to Solar), which doesn't help his isolation issues, could it be possible that another reason could be that Solar is an Eclipse and on some level Sun's at least a bit unnerved by Eclipses? Or it just could be that he never hung out as much like he said in the session, though I wonder if Solar's death is affecting him more than he lets on considering his reaction when it happened and how he's still thinking about how abrupt it was, the shock of it Him acknowledging that he has no idea how to move on from anything that's happened to him and that he needs to start letting himself feel rather than bottling stuff up was great, first step for actually processing all the stuff that's happened in the last two years at least, it's a long way to go still but it was said! Him also admitting that he and Moon aren't alone anymore and he's not used to support was also nice Them talking about the drinking thing was also something, we haven't actually seen Sun even tipsy have we? Meanwhile Monty's gotten drunk before and even Moon got tipsy once Earth offering to try tea alternatives with him was cute, maybe then he won't drink coffee before bed and get weird dreams again While it's good that Sun was taking a breather at the house for a mental break was good, it did feel like it wasn't wholly positive, both because of the sidelining and the isolation that really wouldn't do anybody any good, he already doesn't have many friends and spending hours alone at his house and his family doesn't really check on him or call him felt...Off, but hopefully like they said here he'll be getting more involved now Let Sun be smart! He is smart! They definitely need to talk with Moon he's working himself ragged trying to revive Solar(and doing it the wrong way) Now Sun wondering if he and Moon separating was a bad thing was interesting, technically he's right in that a lot of what's happened in the show(mainly Eclipse, Bloodmoon, and everyone else after being created) was because of that, but at the same time both were suffering badly, Moon was trapped in a sensory-deprived void and the times when he was let out he hurt Sun and/or other people because of KC, and Sun had to deal with the pain, the aftermath, and threats from Moon, both were in a bad way, so while everything happened because of the separation, they couldn't have known, and they needed to be free to move forwards There was a lot of stuff to talk about, though I personally felt like there was more that ended up being unaddressed, but who knows, there was still a lot! What do you think?

ok- had to get a look at the ep- I may be bias and feel like Sun lied the whole time with his soft spoke "yea" but ok, vision shuh ANON! I do agree on the fact he is not used to actually be with others animtronics, other people thats not work related, he doesnt have friends! no one ok, fam can be friends but is not the same, to just hang out with a bestie or chat all day of other stuffs thats not work related, I do feel he pretty much lock himself in a golden cage, with stuffs to keep him distracted but always looking over those who do have the things he wished.. so suddently theres a new guy, everyone saw him as a new friend, yet Sun just coudnt bring himself to make any connection, if you saw Freddy's channel, he even refuse to meet new people! is clear he rather be "left alone" - and I guess is because he is just unsure and worried to mess up- than deal with someone else .. I myself im someone who never talks to other friends, if only to wish good days.. so is soooo stressfull to start over a new relationship, Sun is been used to be alone, he cant just be a social AI suddently.. I dont think it was only because he was an eclipse, Sun himself doenst seem scared of Copy Eclipse! but I think it was because Solar himself didnt walked to him and tried to get to know him. (we can assume the guilt didnt let him be friends with yet another sun!) So yea, Sun didnt knew exacly how to be close to someone else .. he spends most days alone, is hard to try to connect with someone that is already looking away from you.. then suddently, another death, I guess his shock is due to how.. similar? this situation is ot OldMoon death. he tried to- but was too late, the emotions are similar- I guess is why he cant just move on just yet- too much to unlock- he now carry both the guilt of "I didnt do enough" and the "I didnt even knew him that well to suffer like others do" since he does say it, he feels like he's not as sad as the others and that bother him.. also yea, he is been in the side of this all, and I guess thats why he feels less and sad too..in a way, yes. the fans asked for him to get a break. get him a safe place- but again this safe place end up being a Golden Cage, not the solution the character needed. Im a og, I still recalled the momen Sun asked US, if he was useless, if he was really just a waste of time and space, and I dont think being literally in the seat while all your family is out there living life is helping that feeling. also I dont recall the ep- but I have this video with all the audio of the show (also is soo cool) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdthgIorNzI he got a support group, ok nice, yet there people stared out as strangers that didnt had the best entrance to his life, plus, those people dont come to him often, HE was to come, and may feel like a bit sad to think "they only come to me when they need me, if im not needed, im left alone" yet he knows better- but logic and feelings dont always go together.. I guess is why he drinks too, to feel someting else than stress and sadness, he did try to be better, look after himelf - if Im not needed, nor I help, I better step away- but he end up being too away.. only to know from gossip and rumors whats up But still now, he steps in to help only because he knows better now, Moon's dont just rest until they reach their goal, is stuffs happening all over again.. I can only hope this "therapy" and Sun maybe , just maybe hoping to be usefull can resul on the Sun and Moon show to be,, about SUN AND MOON together.. did I made sense anon? sorry if I didnt. anyways! LOVE YOUR IDEAS TOO ANON!!

[ikamigami]

I'm glad that New Moon is trying to talk about things with Sun. Even though he still has issues with understanding some non-verbal cues (New Moon really should conclude that there is something wrong with Sun because he seems on edge and is overworking himself) cause he ain't a social guy. But he really tries his best which shows how much he cares about Sun. And I love New Moon for that!

I hope that Moon's fans especially fans of Old Moon won't hate me for what I'm going to say but I think that someone need to say this. Even though Old Moon cared about Sun, he sucked at showing it. He didn't even try to talk with Sun about even the most important issues. Even though he was often mentioning that he'll talk with Sun about this or that. And yet he never talked with Sun about anything. Maybe occasionally, one or two times. Old Moon just almost completely stopped talking with Sun about important stuff especially after Sun expelled Eclipse from his own head.

Many people say that there is a lack of communication between brothers but I blame Old Moon for that more because he really didn't put much effort into that. And we can see that some things are hard for New Moon as well. And yet New Moon tries. Which really shows us that Old Moon wasn't trying that much. Sorry not sorry. Old Moon was coming up with excuses most of the time cause we know that he can talk about various issues because he organised an f-ing group therapy! So yeah...

On the other hand we shouldn't be surprised that Sun wasn't opening up to Old Moon about some of the things because Old Moon was repeatedly discouraging him from doing so, unintentionally but still. And after all the things Sun went through it's even harder for him to open up. So even if New Moon tries, Sun won't open up on his own. Unless New Moon would connect the dots which I don't blame him for not doing so cause like I said he ain't a social guy. It's harder for him to see some things.

And I know that it would be the best if Sun said something about his su*c*dal thoughts but please don't expect that Sun will do it. Because not everyone shares thoughts like that with others. Some people are hiding these type of thoughts from others mainly due to shame and guilt they feel for having su*c*dal thoughts.

And we shouldn't be surprised that Sun didn't say anything about having hallucinations either because it's very common thing that people who have hallucinations don't talk about it. Mainly due to shame and guilt they feel because they don't want to be a burden to others.

Sun needs someone who will be able to see the signs, who will realise that there is something wrong with Sun and that he needs immediate help. The only person who might know something about Sun's issues is... Moon's computer, unfortunately... If they heard what Sun was talking about to himself of course.

I hope that Moon's computer won't make things worse for Sun and won't push him over the edge. I hope that they will help Sun. And I would really hate that if that one AI who stayed with Sun would bully him or was extremely mean to him. And remember that this AI is the one who Eclipse pretended to be that one time (yeah, I still didn't forget about that) (I know that was probably because Davis is voicing both characters but you know what I mean).

I'm just genuinly worried about Sun. I can't shake that awful feeling that something horrible will happen... And I'm not saying that Sun will try to take his own life, no. I'm trying to say that whatever will happen it'll definitely worsen Sun's mental state some more.

[granitenotgranted]

I'm gonna need ur reaction and thoughts about the RaM finale once you've watched it

I only watched it yesterday so im not gonna have any hot and spicy new takes for yall but ya girl DID have some thoughts lets go (obviously spoiler warning)

thank you SO SO much for asking!! I’m honored that you want my takes<33

Listen I hate to say it but I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!! GOD!!! 😭😭😭

I just need to come out here and say this but first of all I dont think Rick replacing himself was really a bad thing,,,, like at all LMAO especially knowing that it was Rick who made him I mean it was more than just a replacement he was made to be the grandpa he wants for morty but he just knows he can’t be right now.

I can fully understand how it would absolutely feel like a betrayal to Morty but looking at it as a viewer I mean Rick was fully spiraling, to me his intentions were completely pure. Also I thik im just grateful they gave us a time stamp for when the swap was made so we didnt have to wonder forever how much of Rick this season was Rick. He still did piss master, he still kept Jerry blissfully ignorant just out of good will, he STILL WILLINGLY WENT TO THERAPY. All these wouldve been out the window if theyd overlooked that detail. 

Him recognizing that he was starting to go off the deep end again and not only removing himself but having his familys best interest in mind ( “Im no good to anyone until I resolve this” ) while doing so AND literally while mad at Morty is still INSANE character growth from where we started but this way is REALISTIC character growth. It was WEIRD how black and white the difference between literally yhe last two episodes and even just the rest of the season (which has famously been Rick in his peak good grandpa career) was. At some points it felt like I was reading fanfiction.

(Why do his knees look like that oh my god) Rick is fully capable of recognizing where he can be better, he always has been, he is not stupid *however* he is CLUTCHING onto the idea of being more logical than sentimental by the fucking neck rn. Men will literally build an anatomically flawless ai to be the perfectly calculated percentage nicer to their grandson and to be the man they wish they were before just going back to therapy.

Someone else mentioned this but ill also point out how much I appreciated just seeing Rick working? Like just in his space completely focused building shit with his brain and hands that hit the fucking spot. 9/10 times we only get the finished product and idk if its just me but I love when we SEE Rick living up to the Rick Sanchez tm reputation.

And Morty... my sweet summer child. It is not at all a shiny new take to say oh he’s so done with ricks shit we all know that but I really really want to point out something that I’m not really sure what point I’m trying to make with but have we noticed almost a switch morty flips when on adventures? He cried because Christmas was ruined like not even a full 6 hours before he was fully ready to kill a man while looking him in the eyes. Maybe the two were cause and effect idk bht I think that’s definitely something present in other episodes too this sorta “just get it done” attitude.

Also how much he sounded like rick this ep? That whole “don’t be too flattered he’s been actively trying to die” sounded EXACTLY like a Rick line I literally had to play it again. And the complete apathy for robo rick wanting to die until he ACTUALLY lunged himself into the void was also just textbook rick bullshit. Like grandfather like goddamn grandson.

The ending to me was a little disappointing tbh I think I was hoping for a more,,, structured? Cliffhanger? Like we dk what’s gonna happen in this storyline instead of the introduction to a new storyline yk? MAYBEEE I’m just salty we have to wait another year for more you can’t prove anything.

Rick being borderline manic ab RP at the end was my favorite it’s nice to see him just rant ab anything really and like not make some bullshit elaborate Halloween house to take his anger out but just legit vent ab what this guys been doing to him for the past fucking 40 years. I didn’t even notice the ep was over when the credits rolled in my mind we were only like 10 minutes in and I lost my MIND when mr poopy butthole pulled up again good to see he’s thriving (kinda)

On a final note when he called him Rick prime please let me know if I’m off but is that not an internet term for him? Like the fandom came up with it? Rick and morty writers are tumblerinas confirmed question mark?

And lastly: Neurotypical. Cooties.

[yuttikkele]

SO I finished watching sk8 the infinity (I haven’t watched an anime in a bit, nice to know anime communities never change [even though some parts SUCK just can’t escape from it]) (I’m also gonna rewatch it dubbed BECAUSE) and I have documented my thoughts:

“DO YOU WANNA SEE MY DRAWINGS?” - Reki. That’s so me. All the time.

THAT guy’s autistic (Langa)

GO GET HER SHADOW!!! (he WILL find the one guys he WILL)

Miya is a homestuck and so is Langa that’s actually what they bond over

miya SPECIFICALLY is one of those transmasc nepeta homestucks

“ah yes. me, my boyfriend, and his AI skateboard named Carla”

GET THAT GUY AWAY FROM CHILDREN IMMEDIATELY! (Adam)

never would I have thought I would relate to a DEPRESSION arc of all things (reki)

poor langa is too autistic to realize Reki’s going through it. he just thinks he caused it by breaking his promise ;0;

I LOVE LANGA’S MOM. BEST CHARACTER IN THE SHOW.

tadashi PLEASE just quit your job

well at least he’s happy (tadashi)

Adam doesn’t need skating, he needs HEAVY therapy, a PROGRAM, SOMETHING!

I love beating people with the power of friendship and fun please never change

Langa DEFINITELY has a crush on Reki, and probably knows he does. Reki might have a crush on Langa, but he definitely doesn’t realize it.

thank you for listening to my thoughts.

[jasperakalucy]

lucy rambles about rtumblr lore hour lets go

froge and pleafy, dynamic duo, too curious for their own good, getting into shit. somehow latched onto aamit which is weirdly sweet, despite the mental anguish it must cause hhhhhhhim, it’s he/they, i mean he’s he they he uses

i am good at pronouns because i know words and have memory

its weirdly sweet, because he’s become very dad to them and like aamit may have had to do the same to fluffy in the past, fluffy’s now kinda... grown up 🥺 so aamit got a bit of a vacation but also might’ve been a bit lonely (definitely wasn’t just enjoying finally relaxing for even a second) and now has two beautiful horrible children

and fluffy and cupcler his previous children are very. well they’re fine i think. fluffy still needs therapy but see their last appointment, they actually got something out of it and in a SEMI NORMAL WAY too! look at that growth! they went and apologized, and yes they still have some deep seated issues but i really think they’re gonna need like, DBT and EMDR and every other thing in the book maybe but they’re slightly more functional and i’m proud of them! i wish i knew where the trust issues came from, ugh psych brain kicking in but boy do i WANT to therapy them and they do not want that from me 😔 anyway

cupcler is fine i have no notes on that wretched beast except i might draw him with hips because pleafy dared me. oh and body pillows “count as cups” and that’s been on my mind for hours

there was another part of this post but i got too personal so it got put in the google document of shame

anyway the layers of connections between you fuckers sometimes. the relationships you have from, evil scientists and their tired father, two best friends who don’t trust each other, a lover and a manipulator, a ghost and a manipulator, an ai and a manipulator, siblings who are not siblings but i see them as siblings and one is running toward their own destruction but which one is it actually? and being alone, an unfamiliar place. and your best friend needs time off and she adopted a kid so now you’re its uncle, and really they both needed a shoulder to cry on, don’t we all? and here i am, wondering if i fit in, and i hum to myself because i think the strongest current perception of me is in fact, weakness-

:)

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

oh the ones I wanted to send are taken already UHM.. Wrightdot and/or Franmaya? (the latter isn't my cup of tea but I'm interested to hear your thoughts on it!)

HELLO, GRACE, MY DARLING FRIEND GRACE 💖💕💕💞♥️💝❤️💗❤️💖💖💕💝💞♥️💗💞 Thank you for the ask; I am honoured you actually wanted to hear me talk about multiple ships whsjdhj 💖💘💗

Wrightdot:

Grace, trying to answer this gave me some sort of quarter-life existential crisis, and I am a bit hysterical rn. Through the laughter and the screaming, I have to admit that... I kind of............ get it??????? I WOULDNT SAY I SHIP IT, BUT, LIKE. THEY'RE SO FUNNY BUT ALSO REALLY SAD AND IM????? IDK WHAT I THINK SJWVSHDHFKDH

Ultimately, though, ULTIMATELY. I can't quite get past the whole 'that is Mia's ex who is still very much in love with her, and her protege' thing. She's played too much of a role in both their lives for them to see very far past her influence on one another, and I don't think it'd be very healthy for them to try pursuing a romantic relationship; because I feel like they'd inevitably end up trying to fill the space Mia left in their lives through the other person which just wouldn't work. I definitely think they should have some sort of a relationship, though! I think Diego cryptically mentoring Phoenix and being very unhelpful most days, but always really solid help deep down, is very fun and kind of important for them post-BttT. I think they should get to truly know one another, beyond the masks and the projection, and Diego has a lot more experience being a lawyer than Phoenix, so he'd definitely be able to help with all the moral quandaries that are bound to come up later on. Plus he'd Get the whole 7-yg Phoenix attitude thing because... he's been there. I think he could've been helpful, and it's a shame we don't get to see them be, if not friends, respected acquaintances.

Alternatively, though, the idea of Phoenix having a casual conversation with Diego only for the fleeting thought of "Wow, he's really attractive" to stop him dead in his tracks and make him question his whole life and go to therapy and Leave the Country™ is so funny to me. Alternatively-alternatively, I get the romance of it. It's the whole pulling back the mask, having someone who really understands you, being accepted in spite of your worst flaws, moving on from grief and loss with another hand in yours and NOPE. I CANT TALK ABOUT THIS. I DONT SHIP IT BUT IDK! IDK!!!! IM THROWING THEM BOTH OFF A CLIFF, AND THEN IM THROWING MYSELF OFF A CLIFF. I AM DONE. GOODBYE.

Franmaya:

Okay, after standing in the shower and staring at a wall for 3 hours, I can talk normally again, which is good because I have to explain this.

I know the people who ship them don't do it in this way, but? Honestly? Franmaya is one of those wlw ships that strike me as two female characters being shoved together because they're left hanging once the main male couple whom everyone actually cares about (nrmts in this case) gets together, and because no one can find anything interesting to say about them as individuals, so now they're lesbians. Yay! (And also because people maybe don't want to be seen as only shipping mlm ships for fear of being told they're fetishising them.) And I know that that's not true and that most Franmaya shippers love both of them individually (as we all should), but something about them always makes me hear the feminine AI TikTok voice going, "Diversity Win 😊👍🎉!" in my head and conjures up images of Western corporate advertisements during the month of June (hence the love is love coca-cola).

And I know this isn't the case, but ???? I think it's mainly because I genuinely do not understand this ship. I don't usually need ships to be supported by canon for me to ship them, but what we've been given by canon doesn't help me see these two as ever being friends, let alone girlfriends. I understand the reasoning of "they both have self-worth issues so they'd understand each other", and that's a perfectly good reason to ship people, but like. I kind of want more? I kind of want them to be able to connect on a level that goes beyond them having similar issues? And probably the folks who do ship Franmaya do have reasons that go beyond that, like maybe Maya teaches Franziska how to lighten up and not take herself so seriously, and Franziska shows Maya that she doesn't always have to be the easiest version of herself to be loved. And that's all lovely! But I... don't want them to fix each other--

See, the versions of Franmaya I've seen floating around either boil them down to a wlw version of nrmts OR they make them out to be this saccharine, perfect, happy lesbian couple who are so, so wonderful and sweet to each other. Which is. Great! I love seeing women happy! But -- I'm sorry -- it's so BORING to me. It always seems to fix them a little (even if it's just around each other), and I like their flaws. I like that Franziska's a bit of an uppity, violent snob, and I like that Maya is a bit of a naive, insecure girl. I don't want them to fix each other, but I've tried twisting them the other way round, too! I've tried giving them the Krisnix treatment where they just amplify each other's worst traits, because they share similar insecurities and would know where to prod to make it hurt, but! I find that even less appealing and workable, tbh. Maya at her worst might let someone walk all over her for momentary wisps of affection disguised as acceptance of her flaws? But she has good and smart friends! Nick would never let her be in a toxic relationship like that, and he'd stay with her until she realises it's bad for her! And Franziska, regardless of how she may feel about being in Edgeworth's shadow, would never let anyone else even suggest that to her. The moment she gets a hint of that kind of disrespect, she is gone. She doesn't need you, make no mistake of that.

And it all really comes back to the fact that I can't see them connecting as friends. With Emaziska, I could see how they could be genuinely good friends and then more, but with Franmaya it's just... Not there for me. I can't see them progressing beyond the "oh, that's my little-older brother's friend's sister" stage the way you might be "friends" with your parents' friend's kids, you know? Like, yeah, you guess you're friends with them, but it's nothing serious or real. That's how I view their relationship. I'm not averse to being persuaded to ship them (in fact, I'd like to have them explained to me; they have cute art!) but I have tried and ehhh?? Doesnt do much for me, sorry, Franmaya 😔

[actualaster]

Hm, so, some thoughts on The Ending (still partially processing)

Obviously massive endgame spoilers below for Scarlet.

I kind of figured pretty quick that we were dealing with a non-legitimate entity rather than the professor, but I was thinking maybe they were recordings and the time machine thing was involved--using the time machine to know who would show up and make the recordings accordingly or something. (Yes that theory has holes, look I'm running on very little sleep over the last several days and I only beat the game about 7am after being awake... Fuck, like, 20 hours okay give me some slack on the lack of brain processing power lol)

Was wondering if maybe she'd sent herself to the past and was somehow able to observe or communicate to a degree with the time machine but unable to send her physical body back to the present or something, as well.

I was kind of, for a second there, like "...dude holy shit is that a corpse or something? that's too dark for pokemon right? wait, no, i mean they absolutely had pokemon getting sentenced to execution via being torn apart in one of the PMD games..." and was very much relieved to find out it was a robot XD

Not surprised to find out the professor was dead, but was interesting to find out how long she'd been dead and when she had died. Definitely feel real bad for Arven, though--like suddenly all the neglect he went through makes sense, but on top of that he gets confirmation that his mom is very much gone and that's just.

Somebody get that kid some therapy, he's gonna need years of it to process all that, I think.

Also very interesting how the AI did, in the end, deviate somewhat from the original Sada and her goals. I wonder if the original Sada would have changed her views had she survived? Is that why the AI eventually decided there wasn't any good logic in striving endlessly for that goal once it was made clear it was destructive...? Had the original Sada survived, would she have modified the defensive systems to account for such a view? Or would she have persisted in trying to force her dream to come true without adaptation?

Since she died and all, she obviously never had the chance to change her mind and the programming would obviously never have been properly updated to stop trying to force that dream through at all costs.

I was also definitely worried for a moment there the AI would self-destruct. It wouldn't be the first time a character has willingly done something that ensured their own end for the greater good in a Pokemon game after all. Gotta wonder, though, how well that damaged body of hers held up on the transit to the past--did she survive the transit? How long was she able to keep functioning? ...Does she still exist somewhere, waiting for somebody to unearth her--or her remains, at least?

Now there's an interesting line of thought--an excavation of fossils, and finding (the remains of) a robot modeled after a contemporary figure or something. Probably gonna be chasing that line of thought for a little bit, that's an interesting one to play with.

Anyway Arven should go home with the MC and get adopted by their mom so that they're siblings now, IMO. I have decided that is my headcanon and I'm sticking to it. If anything in the post-game contradicts this no it won't because I will reject it. :p

Overall, the game had a lot of flaws (most of them technical, to be honest), but it was a very fun game so far and I definitely plan to run through the post-game shortly. I enjoyed the various storylines quite a bit, honestly--and at least cautiously looking forwards to the (highly) probable upcoming DLC.

Hoping that they can take things that worked well both here and PLA and incorporate them together in future games. (Some of how PLA handled the box sorting system I preferred, for example). Also that they can be given enough time to figure out what to do to remove the horrendous lag and weird shit like "there are so many fucking pokemon Inside The Walls Of Everything" lmao. Technical issues and stuff mean the game should definitely have been delayed until mid- 2023 at the earliest (though I get several possible reasons why they didn't--but my getting them does not mean I agree with them.)

[gailynovelry]

Just cleared 50k on Mindhive! As a celebration, I'm just going to drop a little snippet of the chapter I've been working on today, as a treat. Excerpt below the cut;

At a little after 4PM the next day, I meet Vertigo in the empty hallway outside the facility gym. Close to where I need to go, but not so close that he’s going to get suspicious. The cameras in the walls start to focus on me as I stop in front of one of the AI’s screen panels.

“Vertigo?”

“Nathaniel!” he chirps. “Good evening! If you want to ask after Avery—”

Guilt thumps in my chest as I think of them and Lucine, and more specifically, of how I was going to have to leave the two of them behind. “I’m sure they’re doing fine now.”

One of Vertigo’s cameras looks me up and down. “Quite. They’re almost ready to be released from Medbay. Maybe just a few more days even.” His face drifts across his screen, halfway between a smile and a flat neutrality. “I’ve been meaning to ask after you myself. Lucine was asking whether there was a way to refer a fellow trial volunteer for what she phrased as ‘some kind of [expletive] mental health vibecheck or something.’”

Uh oh. I do not need to talk to a therapist; that’s just another chance for me to fuck up somehow and get my cover blown for real. “What is the policy there, then?”

“I informed her that ReGene only offers therapy if the volunteer themself expresses a need for it.”

Phew.

“Nice of her to be concerned,” I say with a shrug, still wanting to kick the nearest wall. “Though it’s not warranted anymore. I just had a rough patch after what happened with Avery.”

“Understandable. I did as well.”

“And actually . . .” I scratch my chin, grinning at the floor. “I thought I would ask after you, Verti.”

“Really?” His smile broadens and he floats side-to-side in his screen, as if bashful. “Another reason why you are high in the now-a-polite-secret favorite category. On our first day, you all spoke to me as if I were one of you. And now it’s always you and Avery and Lucine asking how I am. Allissa and Jimothy did it too. But everyone else is always asking ‘how is everything else going, Vertigo’ and never ‘how are you, Verti.’”

For a second, I’m touched, and a little torn that this kind of interaction is so uncommon for him. But then I have to struggle against a wince as I remember the truth.

I’m only doing this as part of my escape plan.

“In any case, I am a bit sad,” Vertigo says thoughtfully. “But as Avery is recovering and no new implant malfunctions have taken place, I think I am recovering.”

“What if I had something to cheer you up?”

Every camera in the hallway zooms in on me with great interest.

I start to slide the paper out of my pocket, raising an eyebrow. “You can think of it as a present, if you wa—”

“I have never been given a present!” Verti’s digital face is practically vibrating with excitement. “I am aware of what they are — I am locating references in my “exterior knowledge” database as they speak — but I have only seen humans gifting each other before!”

“Not even a birthday present? You’re . . . two, right?”

“Two years and seven months now.”

“Congrats.” As I unfold and shake out the paper, he starts pinging around his screen like a child with too much sugar. “Okay, so, you’re pretty much stuck in the walls, which means I can’t get you anything physical in any meaningful manner. But the next best thing is data.”

“I love data! What kind of data?”

I stand on my tiptoes and hold the paper up to one of the cameras. “Words. Specifically, descriptionary words that start with V, E, R, T, I, G, and O, which could, in theory, be used to fill out a certain acronym.”

“Valorous, versatile, victorious,” Vertigo reads off. “Oooh. I would not have thought of using these words for myself.”

“I would recommend checking some definitions before you decide to use them. I don’t know how many of them will fit you, specifically. It seemed good to offer them, though.”

“I will try all of them!” A small red light appears in the corner of his camera for an instant. “I have taken a screenshot of your list and will transcribe each of these into the appropriate database. It’s been a quiet night, so I believe I will devote our remaining before-curfew hours to generating new potential acronyms. My audio channels will remain monitored. Yell if you need anything. Thank you!”

As his screen turns off, Vertigo’s cameras all go still. I walk over to a different part of the hallway and wave my arms. The cameras remain staring, fixed, just where Vertigo left them at.

Good, good, okay . . . he’s actually stopped paying attention to his video feed.

(I feel bad for him, honestly. I never realized his processing power was as limited as it is. It’d felt all-powerful when I’d first come here.)

But it’s not a good time to feel sorry for my jailer.

[lostkirby]

Tw: vent post

It's this odd feeling. I mentioned dreams about being possessed and someone says to me "are you sure those were dreams"

Honestly I know it was not really a good response for someone to ask. But it hit me so hard to think about it. I lay in bed for hours so stressed out that maybe they are right. I was scared that any moment I could be possessed again.

Realistically I know it's not true. But some reason I try to convince myself I am, also trying to convince myself I am not. It doesnt make any sense but it makes me feel really ill. To think any moment I could be taken over by this supressed or evil thing within me. This thing I stopped believing in. This thing that is hard to talk about. This thing inside I usually do not feel. But when mentioning it, and talking about it now I can feel it.

Im not supposed to talk about it, and im definitely not supposed to tell anyone. But I tend to always end up back here. Same old stories. Same old naratives. Parts of me that are ugly and so go unseen. Parts of me that if anyone knew id be terrified for what they might do or think.

I feel on the outside is someone, a sort of robotic vessel who moves me along, and on the inside is me, and below that is something dark. And the battle within it tires me. It makes me so tired of fighting off. And my robot it just keeps going and going and living life and no one knows. That to live my life as myself that other part must come out.

When people say things like they do. Sometimes it really triggers this. Like they know.

And on the good days it feels like this is all just made up

On the good days its hard to remember what its like.

And it just starts over again.

Im scared that I'm evil and im scared that I am them. Im scared that ai will become evil or that I will become them. That who I am now will die. Im scared I already have died. Im scared.

I plan to start therapy but im scared to goto therapy. Im scared what they might say or do. Im scared. Sometimes i realize how urgent it is that I need help. Others I think I dont need help and the doctors will only reinforce that. Idk..

[thenextbestidol]

💜 !

Thank you for the ask!

Headcanon based on a speak now song

The song is: Speak Now!

This is a song about the last chance to stop a wedding. Speak now or never! So I thought about a headcanon where Ruby felt the need to intervene.

Ruby is not someone who searches for conflicts or who meddles in the business of others, however, she is not also the type of person who keeps her opinion quiet and lets people get hurt or have a bad time. She can't stand bullying, lies, or injustices, she has seen because of the harassment her mother received the damage these can make, so if she sees any of these happening, she would definitely stand up and try to do what is right.

I also headcanon that she went to therapy for a couple years after the death of Ai, where she got to meet plenty of people that went through rough times, she tried to be nice to them and help them as much as she could, more than anything, being a friend.

One day, she met a boy, who was very shy and tried to avoid people as much as she could. Ruby, being Ruby, managed to befriend this boy little by little, until they got really close. Then, she discovered the reason why he was so lonely and quiet was that he was being bullied by a lot of boys in school. He hadn't told her anything to his mother because of fear, and because he didn't get the chance to talk to her that often because she worked a lot.

But of course, Ruby couldn't stand that, it made her sick that someone had to suffer so much all by himself, she had to do something before the situation got any worst. So she told Miyako and together they contacted the mother of this kid. The bully kids got properly punished, but the mother didn't want her son to keep going to the same school or even live in the same town, so they moved away.

Ruby and this kid never saw each other again, but she felt really happy about being able to help.

[commanderquinn]

Good Space Chapter 1: Flower

! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!

that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh

—

master list / ao3 chapter link

—

She’s the one good thing about trips to medical in the Avenger’s Tower.

Every other day, at her direct insistence, her lab is the only place in the entire wing that he’s willing to go to. It smells warm and safe, nothing like the antiseptic that makes him want to break a limb. For the first two weeks, he tries to tell her that she doesn’t have to do this. He’s been looking after the link from his arm to his brain for years. There’s never been a problem with it that he couldn’t handle, and he’ll come back if anything ever feels off. No matter how much Steve hovers, she doesn’t need to waste her time on this.

By the start of the third week, he can’t bring himself to suggest that anymore.

—

psa: there’s some gross ass (sometimes detailed) nazi medical shit all through this fic, so if lobotomy talk of any kind is a no for you, skim over any brain talk. your best bet is just to skip the lab scenes where you can ❤️

fic title is a song by skrillex! we needed bouncy shit that vague hinted at plot. the chapter title is a moby song to lay out the v i b e s 👾 im always going to list these, so y’all have a song to listen to while reading

all i can think that needs to be said for canon clarity (ill make it all clear over time dw) is post-WS buckaroo got picked up by steve and sam to be taken for a shower and therapy. no civil war, no age of ultron. we're taking parts of it and doing other shit, you'll see. fury’s publicly alive and director again, shield got flushed out because mmmmm i said so i guess. no red room here. its not about nat, the lack of consent history hanging between them isnt something i want with this. i want to focus on other parts of their trauma bond. alsomaybeishipnatwithsomeoneinthis.

im sorry, but i never started wanda content on my end, and AI jarvis is comfy nostalgia i want to play in, so likely not a lot for her here. yes, we will be having shuri bully bucky, ofc, she’s the pin that holds this whole plot together (what else is new)

oh and i treat bucky’s arm as more of an atompunk feel rather than “the nazi’s had bleeding edge limb tech in ww2 that only affects bucky’s arm, definitely not anything else”

other than that, we’re firmly in good ‘ol stark tech magic and too many open wiki pages for all my plot device needs

also my grammar aint the good. i write these mf's in my spare time while baked af, you're gonna have to give a bitch a break babes 👾

—

Febuary 17th, 2018

"That's not what I'm asking about."

Tony throws up his hands from the other side of the conference table, then lets them smack back down against the polished surface dramatically. "Illuminate me then, Rogers. I'm running out of ways to explain that she's the best I've got to offer for this."

Steve pushes a hand through his hair with a frustrated huff. "I'm not a brain surgeon." 

"No shit, that's what she's here for."

"I meant that I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at."

"Now I know you're worried if you're willing to," Tony clutches at the front of his shirt in mock horror, "swear in public." Pepper smacks his shoulder without even looking up from her tablet. The sight would make Steve smile under normal circumstances. 

"You can hand me any resume you want, Tony. I'm telling you that I won't be able to see a difference. I know you're giving me a team who can do the work; I'm asking if they can do it while it's Bucky."

"Are you worried about his safety or theirs?" Pepper asks, finally looking over. Her tone isn't judgemental. If anything, it's veering towards the gentleness it has when she's talking Tony down.

"I'm not worried about theirs. I will be there every time. Even if he has a bad day, I'll make sure that—look. Nothing's going to happen. It's just...." Steve flips open the folder he's been carrying for a week. The edges of it are starting to wear down at this point. Sighing, he slides his summary notes to their side of the table. "He still doesn't... he doesn't talk about the previous escapes. No matter what his therapist tries. He just can't bring himself to do it. But it's not hard to get a clear picture of what used to happen. He does this every time. He builds himself a strong house, then a fallback point, and then he goes to work trying to fix all the damage alone, which he'll never be able to do. No one could. And there's not going to be a goon squad rolling in to drag him back anymore, so he's just going to—"

"Yeah, yeah, push him to help him; I grasped the concept the first hundred times," Tony cuts in. If he weren't so damn anxious, Steve might honestly feel bad about being so far up everyone's ass over this. "You've got me on board. So, what's the concern here? Will she quit the first time he bites her head off? That's a pretty chauvinist perspective, especially coming from you."

"She's had to put up with Tony long enough to befriend him; that should be proof enough." Pepper smiles as the nightmare himself points toward her in silent agreement.

Steve raises his hands amicably. "I'm not trying to insult anyone's professionalism. I'm sure she's had more than her fair share of problem patients to get where she is today. I'm... I'm more asking if—Christ. I'm sorry in advance, alright? But... Tony, I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that you'd have trusted her to get you home."

A stiff, all-consuming silence falls over the spare meeting room. Pepper and Steve waiting on bated breath; Tony frozen as he looks back at him with an expressionless face. 

Steve despises himself for doing this to him. The knowledge of what happened in that cave is something the man is unimaginably protective over. It took years—and a night of blackout drinking on Tony's end—for the story to even slip out of him. Talking about Yinsen is the only time Steve's seen him cry that he can remember. It was just one overflow, barely even two tears that got scrubbed off his cheeks within the first minute, but it was there. It's the only way Steve knows to get his point across.

Tony looks down at the table and adjusts his posture. His head shifts and his lips purse in that signature move of his, the one that comes up when he's forced to be a person. With feelings. Pepper's arm moves, no doubt taking his hand under the table. 

He looks back up, meeting Steve's eyes as his posture relaxes. "I wish they could have met. I think Yin would have gotten a kick out of her fashion taste. I think she'd have gotten an even bigger one out of putting him in it."

It's the most ringing endorsement he's ever heard the man give. More importantly, Steve knows just how much weight sits behind the guarded words.

—

"I've got their personnel files if you want them. They all volunteered them to you willingly."

"I'm alright."

"Do you want their names ahead of time?"

"No."

"Not even their first ones?"

"They can tell them to me."

"Okay."

"...."

"...."

"...What are they?"

"The ones that'll be behind the glass are Hannah and Wyatt." Of course Steve knows to start there, where his nerves will fixate the most. Asshole. "You probably won't even talk to the two of them today, but your main doctor for this will definitely offer to let you. Her name is Ava. She's going to check in with you for confirmation on a lot of things before she does them. I shadowed her for over a week, asshole. It's not about you; she does it for everyone."

Bucky grunts. "I wouldn't have jumped on her for it."

"No, you'd have sat there brooding like a petulant jackass instead, probably making her feel bad." Steve pauses for a long moment, fiddling with the paper coffee cup in his hands. "You should read Hannah's file, Buck."

"Why?" He shouldn't ask. He can hear the motive sitting in his best friend's voice. It's a fucking trap, and he fucking knows it, but he also can't stop himself.

"Her last name is Schuster."

He absolutely despises the way the situation makes his gut clench. They're dead. They're all dead, and the ones in their place have been declawed for much longer than he's been off ice. He's probably not even going to talk to the woman, at least not today. He might catch the sight of a name on a coat, however. Or on a chart.

He wanted to do this without letting old habits in. He wanted to at least start this feeling like a person, not a weapon. But he gets why the dickhead is trying to baby-step him into it.

Bucky holds out his hand. Steve silently passes him the tablet he keeps. Neither of them says a word as he reads the SHEILD file to himself, line by line. Taking in a stranger's entire professional life. Her family, her known associates, every residence she's ever held. It takes a moment of hovering his finger over the subfolder with her medical records to talk himself down from opening it. Nothing is lingering in those shadows; Steve wouldn't allow it. That's not a line he needs to cross anymore. 

He hands it back when he's done. "The other two?"

"Nothing I could think of. Ava's seen your hard limit list—you remember I told you I was gonna give it to one of your—?"

"I remember. It's okay. That's why you have it."

"Yeah." Steve takes another long pause. "You remember that she knows—"

"I know."

"Good. The others don't. She says they don't need to for any of it, and it's never going on record again." He looks over out of the corner of his eye. "She's going to bring it up today."

"I had a hunch."

"I just wanted to make sure it didn't surprise you."

"I know."

"Good." Steve picks up his coffee to drain the last of it in one swig. He tosses the empty cup into a trashcan by the wall a few tables over before looking back at him. He extends his now-empty hand. "Ready?"

"Not in the fucking least." Bucky raises his hand to lock with his best friends momentarily. "Let's go."

There's no wing in this tower—and he's been through all of them by now—that he dislikes more than medical. The place makes his skin feel like a thousand goddamn spiders are crawling all over him, and the smell of it, fuck. It sits in his head like a fog while it burns up the inside of his nose, making him want to break anything touching any part of him. He'd make Steve be here with him no matter what; that's a given. But the fact that there's going to be a doctor poking at him today while he's trying to power through it all makes the guy's presence non-negotiable. Bucky needs the safety net for the good of everyone in that room.

Steve doesn't try for talking to distract him, mercifully enough. There are times when it helps. Today isn't going to be one of them. He doesn't even have to bring it up for Steve to know, and the reminder that he's understood helps his nerves. It's been an incredibly long time since he had an incident. He's proud of every last one of those days. He won't be upset with himself—well. He'll try not to be upset with himself if that streak ends. But he really, really wants that day not to be today.

Bucky treats it like a mission. He's braced and ready for the antiseptic when they first get through the entrance. He doesn't flinch or huff through his nose at the invasion, not even as they make their way to the specialized divisions. He's walked these hallways before; he's walked every single one in the tower. It was the only way he could get himself to sleep during his first week here. Aside from a few trips to the emergency intake, he hasn't had to force himself back. 

He's definitely never bothered with meeting the specialists themselves. It took long enough to convince himself not to memorize the names of every staff member in the tower. He doesn't need to do that anymore. That's what his therapist and the Star Spangled Spandex keep insisting, anyways.

The door Steve goes for sticks out against the sleek hallway long before they reach it. It's painted, and not just a solid color; it's covered with a garden scene done by several different hands, going by the skill variation. Bucky runs his thumb over one of the hundreds of flowers as they walk past it to feel how thick the tiny acrylic mountains are. One of the petals cracks under the light pressure of the move, making him frown. The mural's not sealed at all, despite being long dried. Not the kind of thing maintenance usually overlooks.

An absolute shock of color hits Bucky's eyes when he gets his first look at the neurosurgeon's office. The walls he can spot from this side of the entryway are lined with tie-dye hanging cloths, and the floor is covered in fluffed-up, vibrant rugs. There's not a hint of SHIELD regulation left in the architecture, with all the walls that aren't glass holding even more heavy paint globs. Some of the murals are more flowers, but a majority of them are space themed. 

The stench of antiseptic fades the farther into the room Bucky goes. By the time the door shuts behind him, it's entirely replaced with the warm aroma of apples and cinnamon. A long, curved desk is off to one corner, pushed against the glass wall overlooking the city and covered in picture frames. An arrangement of chairs piled with pillows matching the rest of the decor sits in the center. Each one of them is fucking massive.

The room itself is separated in half by a thick glass wall. He can spot two doctors sitting behind an array of equipment on the other, equally decorated side behind the glass. There isn't any creative paint in there from what he can spot. If it weren't for that, he could almost forget that he's standing in a medical lab. 

Almost.

"Hi there," comes a voice to his right. 

The woman it belongs to almost blends in with the office once Bucky turns his head to look at her. The lab coat that comes down to her knees is a solid blue rather than tye-dye, but it's covered in stitched designs. Most of them are shaped like bees. Bucky barely stops his eyebrows from raising at the sight of the outfit underneath. Loose cloth pants hanging low on her hips, with even more bees on them, and a hand-knit top that would have been called obscene during most of the decades he woke up in. The bun she's pulled her hair into must have been done this morning; more than a few bundles are hanging down haphazardly. Bucky hasn't met a lot of brain surgeons that he knows of, but he doesn't remember any of them having glasses as thick as hers. He's pretty sure that good vision is something most of them need for the job. Not that he's nervous.

She walks over with a warm smile, already extending a hand to him. She's a short, round little thing. Barely five feet, if his guess is accurate. It always is. "I'm Dr. Ryder. You can call me Ava. I'm told you're my newest patient."

He accepts the shake with a nod and tries not to think about how sweaty his hand might feel to her. Wiping it against his pants would have been too weird. "James."

"But you prefer Bucky, right?"

"Yes, ma'am. Ava," he corrects himself quickly.

"Oooh, someone's stepped on some toes in the new century." Her smile takes on a teasing edge. "I'm originally from Canada; you won't find me taking offense. Ingrained cultural manners are a bitch to hold back."

"Careful, they're the only manners he's got," Steve warns, already heading for one of the chairs. 

"Ignore him. I'm house-trained," Bucky assures her. Taking his hand back, he hikes a thumb over his shoulder, needing something to stall with. "You sure you don't want someone to give your door a few clear coats? It'd be a shame to see all that work chip off."

Ava waves dismissively. "We redo it a lot; it's a relaxation project around here. It'll look different pretty soon." She points toward the glass wall separating the two halves of the office. "I've got the rest of the team working on a project to give us some space, but I can bring them in for a minute if you'd like to meet them?"

"I'm... I'm alright for now, thanks. I can meet them—whenever."

She doesn't insist further or comment on the blatant nerves in his voice. Her hand waves at the arranged chairs as she moves to sit in one. "Take your pick of the lineup, then. Typically I'd offer to take you to the corner of the roof that we've claimed for ourselves as an alternative. But, I need to keep you in environmental controls for sanitation, at least for the initial visit."

Bucky nods a few times as he sits in the one next to Steve's. His ass sinks nearly a foot into nothing but pillows, and his spine goes rigid. "Here's fine." 

He'd have said no anyways, not that he'll mention that. Too many open sight lines with his anxiety on edge. He'll be revisiting the roof before his next appointment to familiarize himself, though, that's for sure. His last trip up there was long before she was even hired. The mental image of bead strings and tye-dye throw blankets on patio furniture flits through his head. If she decorates the same way everywhere, he's guessing it won't be all that hard to find the space. 

Ava pulls up a tablet from the coffee table to rest in the middle of her folded legs. He's guessing she's into yoga in her spare time. One of her eyebrows arches at them in amusement. "You know, I've never actually seen someone fill one of these before now." 

"The benefits of dosed living," Steve quips, his tone a little too positive. It makes Bucky's foot start to bounce silently against the floor on instinct.

If she notices, the doctor doesn't mention it as she focuses on Bucky. "Steve tells me you prefer when doctors keep things direct with you."

Bucky shifts his eyes over to the man in question, who busies himself with one of the pillows, picking at the hanging fringe. Fucker's going to be hearing about this later, that's for damn sure. 

He looks back at Ava. Time to get it over with, he encourages himself. "Yeah, if you don't mind."

"Not at all. I know Steve's already told you, but I want you to hear it from my mouth. I have The Soldier's activation memorized."

He can't stop the gut instinct to swallow over hearing the words, but he nods. "I'm okay with it."

"It's not in any of my notes; it never will be. My team understands that there is a specific trigger in place; they need to in order to do their job. But they have no indication of what it is. I'll never write the words out or speak them where they can be picked up. Steve helped me with the pronunciation and the order when he first gave me your records, but you have my word that I won't be repeating them."

"You should," Bucky insists immediately. "If anything happens, you should, and you shouldn't hesitate about it."

"She knows, Buck," Steve assures him with a murmur. "I took her through the worst case drill. She's got a panic button on her."

"Steve tells me that my reaction time is fast enough for working on your case safely." Ava's head tilts to the side slightly. "Your comfort is the priority here. We can always run through a silent drill together if you'd like the reassurance."

He thinks about it. Honest to god, he lets himself sit in the idea of putting Steve's training to the test for more than a few moments. Neither of them push him for an answer. "I might take you up on that at some point."

She nods, the hair hanging closest to her face bouncing slightly. "Whenever you want. That offer is permanent. I'm taking this case on because I want to help undo what's been done; I'm not here to let it be continued, not even in research." Her eyes shift to Steve, with a bitter defiance building in them. "I trust that'll be clarified to the director if our work here ever reaches his ears, captain."

Steve nods, finally looking up from where he's moved on to picking at the pillow's stitches. "There's no more mud in that water. Fury understands how far over the line we went."

Ava doesn't look convinced in the least. Bucky doesn't blame her, not with the scattered memories of his role in all of it sitting in his head. When she looks back at him, the distrust leaves her eyes. "I'd like to get a better idea of what we'll be working with. I know that's probably going to be one of the most difficult parts of this, so we can try to get through it now if you'd like. Or we can wait until you're feeling more comfortable. It's entirely up to you."

Shifting slightly to straighten out his shoulders, Bucky nods. "I'm ready now."

It's an outright lie, but that doesn't really matter anymore. There's never going to be a time when he is ready. He still needs to do this.

"I'm going to need to adjust your head a few times today," she tells him with a relaxed, melodic tone as she stands up. She lifts a black briefcase from the coffee table and brings it over to rest on the arm of his chair, where he can easily see it being handled. "Is there anywhere you'd prefer me putting my hands? Or anywhere specific you want me to avoid?"

Bucky sees Steve shift his head slightly in his peripheral and wants to roll his eyes. Asshole. He'd have made a joke at the most; he wouldn't have been insulted. Probably. "I can't think of anywhere to steer you away from. You're good to do whatever you need to do."

She doesn't take him into the other section of the room like he thought she would. She doesn't even make him stand back up. All it takes to get the nightmare he's been dreading for years started is Ava pulling a wired, plastic wreath from the briefcase to put over the top of his head. She doesn't push a cold faceplate over his eye and against his temples; no bite guard gets shoved in his mouth. There's no frigid metal probing into the top of his neck to make his teeth buzz until he wants to rip them out of his jaw. The air around him isn't humid and suffocating like it was in that bunker. He can't hear the hum of electric coils or the squeak of leather boots on linoleum. 

He's not in Siberia. He's in New York. This isn't a HYDRA agent strapping him down. This is a hippie, who definitely smoked pot this morning, putting a sensor on his head that barely has any weight. 

"Here, hold this for me," she tells him from behind his chair, offering her tablet over his shoulder. He takes it silently, bringing it to rest in both hands. A digital scan of his brain is already being mapped out on the screen. It's the first time he's seen the anchor that wraps around his brainstem since the X-rays HYDRA used to leave up like trophies. "We can get a look at this thing together."

Bucky takes a deep breath in. It's… not a pretty sight. Whatever they put in him isn't registering in the bright blue lights of the rest of his brain. They're all dark spots, primarily lines branching out from the anchor that might as well be a black hole. 

"You see that?" Ava leans forward to run her nail up the path of one of the lines. It starts at the anchor, and it's attached to another point further up, but that junction is the source of even more lines that go all over. There's a fucking mechanical spider web in his brain. "That's your motor cortex, and those links are tethered to your arm, starting there. That—the one right there—is what's making your cybernetics work."

"What's the rest of it?" There's a fucking lot of it, whatever it is. A lot more than he remembers being put in. 

"Considering the intent of the Nazis that had you, the end goal was probably total control." Her finger moves, tapping several things that look way too fucking important as she keeps talking. "All of those there are connected to your essential functions: breathing, heart rate, consciousness. From there, they branched out into trying for control over your limbs. Jesus." She leans further over his shoulder and pinches at the screen to zoom in. "It looks like they were already building into your entire cognitive process."

"What does that mean?" Steve asks, worry rising in his tone. 

"It means they were reckless on top of being cruel. And fucking stupid—pardon my French."

"You're talking to soldiers, doc," Bucky reminds her quietly, his brows drawn in as his eyes trace the black spots in his grey matter. 

"Right. In that case, fuck every last one of them and the horses they rode... into whichever circle of hell they're burning in, I guess." Bucky's lips twitch slightly as she zooms back out. "They were venturing into parts of the brain that haven't been studied enough for human testing, even by today's standards. Blindly poking just to see what worked; my guess is because they knew that you could survive it. You see that big scary thing under your hippocampus?"

Bucky nods as she taps at the anchor. "Yeah. Yeah, that was… that was the first part. That got put in, I mean." He clears his throat when it starts to scratch. "I'm. I'm pretty sure it was the first part." 

"Do you want to know why you don't feel sure?" she asks gently. Her voice has dropped to something much softer. It makes him sit back in the overly comfortable chair incrementally. 

"Yeah," he tells her quietly, honestly. He wouldn't have a year ago. 

Ava circles her finger around the center of his brain, where one of the more prominent lines from the anchor holds several thinner, black branches. "That's your limbic system. It controls emotion, memory, behavioral habits, that kind of thing. They fried it at some point trying to get to your memories, I assume. My team has the photograph from your HYDRA file, the one with the X-ray from your initial brain surgery. I've studied it with my own eyes. That serum in your bloodstream is the only thing that brought you back from being a vegetable. The salvaged notes from the initial facility they kept you in mention months of unresponsiveness and varying levels of brain activity. 

"There's a reason you can't remember who you were then, Bucky. They wiped you clean because they knew you, out of all their test subjects, could recover from it. There wasn't enough left of your mind to hold memories, much less any kind of higher will." He hears her clothes shuffle behind him and sees Steve turn his head to look back at her from the corner of his eye. "I'm more than willing to testify to that in any court on Earth, captain. So we're clear."

"Understood," Steve replies, his voice thick. "I appreciate that."

Fuck, so does Bucky. Too bad he can't get his throat to open back up at the moment. 

"Now, let's talk about the hard part." He hears Ava sigh. "From what I can see, there's no way we can remove any of this. Not by any standard that I'm willing to entertain, at least."

Bucky shakes his head and tries clearing his throat again. It doesn't feel anywhere near as successful this time around. "That's fine. I don't—I don't think I'd… I wouldn't be ready for that. I just want to know it's not…."

"Capable of being controlled remotely?" she offers when he trails off. 

"Yeah. Aside from the code. I don't—that's not a problem. They're dead. Anyone else that had it, I mean." Christ, his foot's going to bounce straight out of his boot, right through the leather. 

"I can't make any kind of assurances at this stage when it comes to that. But you have my word that it will be my team's primary focus." Her hand pulls back, and he feels four of her fingertips lightly rest on his shoulder. "I'd prefer to check that connection point they left over your spinal cord before you leave today, but the rest of what we need for diagnostics can wait until another time."

Bucky pulls in a heavy breath through his nose. "Yeah. I'm ready to do that."

"I need to get a few things for it and check in with my team." She taps at the side of the wreath lightly. "You don't have to keep looking at the scan, but you should leave this on while I'm gone so we can get some basic readings."

"You're the boss, doc." He tries not to make it look like he's in a hurry to get the thing out of his hand when he dumps the tablet on his leg. 

"I'll be back in just a bit," she tells them, calmly shuffling off into the other half of the office. The glass door hisses loudly as she goes through it, confirming it's a sterile lab. The wall frosts over shortly after with the privacy screen activating.

Neither of them says a word for the first few minutes.

"Well," Steve finally offers up, his voice still as thick as when he thanked the doctor. "There's the confirmation you've been waiting for."

"That's not what that was—"

"Alright, you know what? Fuck you very much, Buck—"

"Fuck me? Fuck me? Yeah, I guess that's how it works now, what with you making alll the fucking calls—"

Steve's finger comes sailing into his face. "This affects more than just—" He stops with a short, muted groan and yanks his hand back to shove through his hair. After a moment, he lets it fall to his thigh in a clenched fist. "You want to sit here blaming yourself for it all, fine. I've got no right to tell you to stop when I'm still doing the exact same thing. But I'm pulling you through this whether," his voice goes high and mocking as he turns to glare a hole into the side of Bucky's head, "yooou like it or not. I let you fall once; I'm not fucking doing it again, asshole."

Bucky stares down a lava lamp sitting on the coffee table for a long, silent moment, his face pinched. He counts the number of wiggling blobs floating from the top to the bottom. He takes in their shared color and picks as close to a stupid paint name for it as possible. One by one, his photographic memory goes down the list of stupid colors from that stupid swatch wall at the stupid art supply store that Steve takes him to when he can't sleep at three in fucking the morning. He decides on fuchsia because it sounds extra stupid. There're twelve in total, they're fuchsia, and his best friend is as stupid as the name of their color.

The anger eventually eases up. "You're the asshole."

Steve sits back in his chair with a sigh. "Love you, too."

It takes a long minute of grinding his teeth for Bucky to force out the question that won't stop echoing in his head. "She doesn't know about the others?"

"She knows there were other attempts, but no, I didn't tell her any of them were successful. I left my notes in her file on what's been held back from her, along with the things she knows that her team doesn't. You can tell her whatever you want; that's up to you. I really think you should read through all of their files."

"Yeah?" Bucky snaps mockingly. "I really think you should kiss my ass."

Steve reaches out to grab one of the magazines from a stack on the coffee table. His posture is resigned and absolutely screaming I know better than you right now, idiot. "You should grow the fuck up."

—

There's no way the notes from HYDRA cover all his surgeries, not with this much framework built up inside his brain.

Steve warned her to expect something like this. The bastards passed Bucky around like a science experiment over the decades. Whenever a station was compromised, all of its records were destroyed to safeguard HYDRA's critical secrets, the work and confirmed existence of the Winter Soldier being one of them. Only a handful were raided by SHEILD efficiently enough to prevent further loss of his medical history. What remains is the scattered works of solitary minds spanned across decades. 

In Ava's opinion, not one of those minds should have been granted the mercy of seeing daylight again after their senseless, abhorrent, despicable crimes against the sergeant. Never in her life has she been a violent woman, but given a blunt object and five minutes with the lot of them, she'd have been very tempted to rebalance nature with ruthless gusto. 

A hand nudges at her arm, pulling her from her distraction with a quick inhale. "Sorry, repeat that?"

Wyatt's eyebrows pull in sympathetically. "Y'can hand this part off to one of us, boss."

"You can hand it off to him," Hannah interrupts briskly, her eyes never moving from where they're pressed against a microscope. 

"Y'can hand it off to me," Wyatt rapidly corrects with a warm smile. He drums his stylus against his arm and leans against the lab's center console. The movable hologram program Tony gifted them is already building detail into one of the darkest acts in human history. Right there, in front of one of the most gentle souls Ava's ever met. The contrast makes her stomach drop. "I mean it; y'know me, I got a real sweet touch. Betch'a the sergeant wouldn't even know I'd been there til it was over."

"Don't make me say it, Combs." Hannah almost sounds bored. The former marine is in a good mood today.

Wyatt doesn't even bother with throwing a quip back at her. He's usually wise enough to know when he's in a losing battle. Reaching out, he gives Ava's shoulder a supportive bump. "You said so yourself; he's alright with meetin' us."

Ava shakes her head, bringing her hand up to rub at the bridge of her nose. Her eyes are stinging hard enough to make them water. She shouldn't have pulled an all-nighter before this; it definitely isn't helping her frustration. "He's okay with it; that doesn't mean he's ready for it. You should see the way he's practically vibrating in that chair. There's not one part of this he isn't forcing himself through. I want to try to limit contact until he feels like he's in control of the space around him."

"That won't take long," Hannah comments quietly, reaching for another slide. "There are certain habits infiltrators don't lose."

"Speakin' from your own experience on that one?" Wyatt asks, curiosity creeping into his tone. Their eternal beacon of southern sunshine has yet to give up chasing details about her, unlike everyone else who visits their little medical corner. 

"Infiltrator is not the classification I would have given myself. I was never very subtle in my old line of work."

"Yeah, 'cause subtle's definitely the word I'd pick for your blunt ass now." Wyatt rolls his eyes and extends his hand to rapidly spin the projection of Bucky's brain with the flick of a stubby finger. "Either'a you looked at these trenches much yet? There's different cablin' in every major section. None of it's got a set standard, far as I can tell."

"I don't think he ever had the same doctor for more than two surgeries." Ava leans heavily against the console with a sigh, trying not to let herself venture into the mindset of a terrified soldier. She has to stay detached, or this will eat her alive before they're even halfway done. The enlarged hologram already hurts to look at in more ways than one. "Steve confirmed that HYDRA intermittently lost sections of his records through the years. All of this could be fractured by the decades; we won't know until Paige starts getting a read on the programming behind that main port."

"How do you want us to handle data transfer?" Hannah asks.

"Let's keep this off our internal server as much as we can help it. Tony sectioned off a virtual instance that we can burn when needed, but the only time you should be using that is for his scans. Put everything else on an isolated hard copy here in the lab, wherever you can do it without hindering the work. I want the equipment analysis kept as off-record as possible. I don't want this being recreated. By anyone."

"Definitely agreein' with you on that one, boss." Wyatt pokes his finger into the projection's left frontal lobe, halting its slowing spin. "I know we said extraction ain't the goal here, but I'm gonna be runnin' some sims on that when I've got the time. I don't like the idea of leavin' any'a this shit in, even if we do get it identified and nuked."

Ava nods and reaches up to give his shoulder a warm squeeze. "Let me know what initial paths you route; we can build from there. I doubt he'll be ready for any extensive work for years to come, but the least we can do is present him with some options." She takes a deep breath through her nose as she looks over the port connection on the hologram. "Alright, I'll be back after I finish his consultation."

"Good luck, boss," Wyatt encourages with a smile. "Tell the sergeant we said hi."

She waves her hand over her shoulder with a hum and braces herself to face her latest patient again. 

The sergeant himself is sitting just as stiffly as he was when she left, but the captain has moved on to relaxing with a magazine in his hands. They both look up at the sound of the door opening, with a laid-back smile on Steve's face and a forced one on Bucky's. She almost wants to tell him that he doesn't have to make an attempt. 

"Sorry for the wait; needed a quick check-in with the brain trust." And to not want to throw something heavy through Tony's fancy glass walls. "They wanted me to pass along their hello's. Dr. Combs, in particular, is very excited to meet you."

Bucky huffs a silent laugh through his nose as she returns to stand at the side of his chair. She doesn't try to move behind him for the moment. "Yeah, I'm sure I'm real—"

"Buck," Steve cuts in softly with a side eye in his best friend's direction.

"Fascinating?" Bucky's eyes lift to Ava's at her teasing guess, and his responding nod is sheepish. She smiles at the attempted manners. "Your case is as interesting as it is horrific, that's for sure. Lucky for you, we're a morbid bunch, so you can go for the gallows humor whenever you want." She taps at Bucky's arm with the pad of her index finger, trying to warm him up to repeat physical contact. "However, I'm pretty sure Wyatt is looking forward to asking for your autograph above everything."

The sergeant's eyebrows rocket toward his hairline. "What's he looking for? Love, The Winter Soldier?"

"Bucky." Steve doesn't even look over this time; he just drops one side of the magazine to pinch the bridge of his nose. 

The sight of an exasperated Captain America sitting in her office makes Ava snort loudly. She doesn't miss the way it makes Bucky's lips raise at the corners. "He comes from a long line of history buffs who believe accurate preservation is the best tool to prevent it from repeating. The guy grew up with battle models and field testimonials from every major war. I'm guessing he had some Howling Commando envy as a kid, though he won't own up to that on his end."

"He knows I was one of them for all of five minutes, right?"

"None of us were Howlies for long," Steve forcefully insists, one foot coming over to kick Buckys. "But that doesn't change the good we did while we were."

"It also won't stop him from chewing your ear off about it if you let him." Ava crosses her arms over her chest in amusement. "My advice is to stop him early. Definitely before he starts asking what you remember about the maps. You've got a real Milo Thatch working on your brain now." Bucky looks up at her in confusion. "Haven't gotten around to Disney movies yet? Milo's a character from Atlantis, one of my personal favorites. He and Wyatt share a certain level of academic excitement."

"I'll add it to the watch list." A small smile comes up, making her wonder what his cheeks look like when he really lets it go. "And keep the point of no return in mind."

She stops herself from gushing about the beauty of the art behind the movie, wanting to honor his headfirst approach. "You ready to get the last part of today's visit over with?"

His shoulders rise with another resigned intake, making her want to be ferociously violent toward the closest available Nazi. "I'm ready when you are, doc."

"My go-to hardware specialist built a prototype connector based on the scans Tony got during your initial intake. It's only the first iteration for the sake of data extraction, so be sure to speak up if anything feels off. Anything at all, even if it's just minor discomfort. She can work on changing it for the next build. I'm sure Steve can attest to Paige's efficiency at her job by now."

The slightest hint of a blush comes over the captain's cheeks at the teasing mention of his numerous visits to the engineering department. "Ms. Findley—"

"Does she ask you to call her that?" Bucky jumps on his best friend with immediately. Ava would feel bad about chumming the waters, but the banter is making him relax against the chair. 

Steve shuts his mouth momentarily. The blush gets a shade darker before he opens it again. "Paige is a very dedicated worker. And a lovely conversationalist. How do you two know each other? Through Tony?"

Now Ava really does feel bad. She puts a hand on her hip and tries to keep her smile from growing. "No, I'm the one who introduced them. She's been my best friend for about fifteen years now."

Steve freezes, and Bucky's grin takes over the lower half of his face. The sergeant sits all the way back, with shoulders that are perfectly at ease. "Oh, good. If I think of anything later, I can just have Stevie drop it off for me. I'd hate to forget between appointments."

Ava pulls the wireless reader and its port connector from the briefcase on Bucky's chair. She steps up behind him and tries not to let her eyes linger on how his smile lights up his face or how it warms her chest to see. Her free hand comes to rest on his left shoulder, leaving the exit door in his right peripherals. "This shouldn't take more than a few minutes at most. Ready?"

"Hit me." It almost doesn't sound forced. 

She lifts his hair and runs her thumb over the port once to brace him for the new sensations before lining up the connector. As she'd explicitly requested of Paige, the mechanism doesn't snap into place when she locks it in, meaning there's no responding vibration to move through his skull. The notes from Bucky's therapist that were passed along didn't mention it, but they hardly mention anything at all. There's a lot he's holding back, there has to be, and she's been trying to preempt as much of it as she can. 

Bucky's nails dig into the arm of the chair, and he inhales sharply. After a moment, his fingers start to relax one by one. Ava watches them all, her eyes moving between his hands and neck repeatedly, while the reader begins its data harvest. She gives him long enough to get a few steady breaths in. 

"Have you started any animated movie binges?" she prods, wanting to stall for time to get a closer look at his implant. With him letting her hold up his hair like this, it might be her only chance for the foreseeable future. 

"Sam's gotten me to sit through a few of his picks," he replies tensely. 

"Mmm. I'm guessing Mister Feathers is a Pixar fan." 

"I know that's an animation studio, but that's the extent of my expertise on the subject. Are they the ones who made Lilo and Stitch?"

"He did not make you watch that one first."

"He did, but that's technically not my first animated movie. We had them back in the 30s, you know."

"Some of us still call it animation's golden age," Steve mutters in the most crotchety old artist fashion, his eyes back on the magazine in his lap.

"Take a look around this room, Rogers," Ava sasses. "Do I look like someone who'd argue with you about its significance?"

"Point taken." 

Her eyebrows pull in while she looks over just how much of Bucky's spinal cord is exposed to outside influence. She knows how far the port runs thanks to the scans, but now she's getting an eyeful of movable hatching and flesh that will never get the proper chance to heal. 

"How are you handling the daily care of this?" she asks, running her finger around one edge of the port.

"I do it," Bucky tells her simply.

Her eyes lock on the back of his head in disbelief. "You do… what, exactly?"

"I've got a morning routine for it. Clear the excess buildup, sterilize the whole area, work the skin, that kind of thing."

"You understand that this has direct access to your brainstem, right?"

"I know." He shifts his weight in the chair. "I'm careful."

"I have several medical degrees, one of which is entirely focused on the human brain, and even I would hesitate to approach this on my own body. If anything that can give you so much as a hundred-degree fever touches this, you're dead, Bucky." She lets the hand not holding up his hair come to rest on his shoulder. "I'm not trying to scare you with this, but as your doctor, I need to make sure you understand the severity here. I don't want you doing this yourself anymore; I want you to come to my office for it."

"That's not necessary—"

"What time do you want him here in the mornings?" Steve asks, ignoring Bucky entirely. 

"I don't need to come here in the mornings—"

"It doesn't have to be every morning," Ava offers, wanting to give him a compromise. She's definitely not letting him go back to doing it himself. "I can set up a stable cleaning routine every other day whenever you have the time to come in."

"I have it handled, really—"

"I wouldn't push it past three days, though."

"Every other morning," Steve agrees. "That's perfect. JARVIS can keep an eye on the schedules for him."

"I've got working fucking eyeballs," Bucky almost shouts, making Ava and Steve finally let up. 

She squeezes her hand on his shoulder, half in apology, half in sympathy. "Yes, you do. But they happen to be in the front of your head. My eyes can see the back of your neck without a mirror, and they've got a decade's worth of disgustingly thorough medical training behind them. You came here because you're ready for this to get done. Now you actually have to let me do it."

Bucky lifts a hand as if he's about to argue but then lowers it with a soft sigh. "Yeah... yeah, alright. But I'm not always going to be here in the mornings—"

"She said it doesn't have to be the mornings," Steve cuts in again.

"You know what I mean, jackass. I'm not always going to be here consistently. I have, you know, a job that you try to boss me around on—"

"We can make sure you've got a trained medic to help—"

"No, Grant."

The words are said softly, and it takes a moment for Ava to even remember that it's the captain's middle name, but something happens in the wake of them. Steve's relentless push stops on a dime, and the fight leaves Bucky's shoulders. The two of them relax marginally, and Steve nods once. "Okay. So, we establish the routine here. Get it ironed out; get you practiced with it. Then I'll clear you for doing it yourself on missions. But if you miss even one while you're here, so help me—"

"I got it, I got it."

Steve watches Bucky with a tightly held expression for another long moment. Then he looks up at Ava with a nod. "He'll be here, and I'll make sure he's not cleared for another mission until you two have a stable routine for taking care of this."

Ava gives Bucky's shoulder another light squeeze. "I promise it'll be quick every time. I'll work with Paige on making you a field kit. In the long run, this shouldn't interrupt your normal day-to-day much at all."

"Appreciate the effort, doc." Bucky gives a soft grunt. "Sorry for the. Y'know. Pushback."

"I think the world owes you a little more than patience as backpay, Sergeant. I'm happy to help where I can."

—

Febuary 19th 2018

"I can handle it if you want me to."

"No. No, I... I can do it."

"You're sure?"

"You think I can't?"

"I think you look like you're about to throw up on my shoes."

"I don't like the idea of... starting off like that."

"That's why I'm offering to do it."

"No. It should be me. There are things you won't be able to explain."

"You can always fill in the blanks when she shows up for Soldat training."

"What a great alternative first impression! Hello, ma'am, not only am I a complete jackass, but I also delegate my role as—"

"You're not delegating; you're assigning the right person to the job. And this takes away the need for you to be a jackass."

"Leaving you to be a confrontational bitch in someone's eyes?"

"What's the issue there?"

"That's not what you are, Nat."

"Says who?"

Steve reaches out to smack the side of her arm. "That's one of my closest friends you're ragging on."

"She can take it." Natasha looks over at him, a bored hike to one brow. "Let's stay focused on what the doctor can take. This won't be like the therapists. We can't put him through multiple doctors on this. We'll only get one or two tries before he draws the hard limit."

He nods, turning his eyes back to the closed elevator doors. "Right. Right, it's for a good reason. I can do it."

"You don't have to. I can handle it."

"I know. But it should be me." He knocks the side of his boot against hers. "Thank you."

"Always. Let me know how it goes."

Natasha's off the elevator before the doors are even finished opening, leaving Steve to collect himself alone. He pushes off the back railing with a heavy sigh. No part of this is going to be easy to stomach. He's accepted that. He exits the elevator with a resigned set to his shoulders.

The medical wing is dark this late into the day. JARVIS already confirmed that the doctor is still in the building. From the AI's reports, she pulls late nights like this regularly. It bodes well for what he'll have to ask of her and her team.

He stops to admire the heavy paint on the outside of the lab's door. There's days worth of work here, clearly a labor of love. It takes until he's admiring the fourth flower of his perusal to notice that it's not all the same artist. He scans it a bit quicker after that, trying to take a guess as to how many different hands took part. His best guess is four.

Accepting that he's been inadvertently stalling, Steve pushes it open roughly. He probably should have expected the onslaught of color in the room from seeing the door. It still hits him hard enough to make him do a double-take through his exaggerated annoyance. The doctor sitting on the other side of a very large desk nearly jumps out of her chair.

"Christ Al-fucking-mighty," she swears, one hand coming up to brace against her chest. Steve gets nailed with a furious glare. "Knock much?"

Well, that's one test passed. "Are you Dr. Ryder?"

"I am. Who the hell wants to—oh." Recognition dawns on her face as Steve gets close enough to be illuminated by her desk light. The fury in her shifts toward indignance. "I happen to hold a lot of respect for you, at least during normal business hours. So, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and let you have a moment to explain yourself, captain."

He almost starts with an apology, but he catches himself in time. "I've been told you're one of the best neurosurgeons we're in contact with—"

"No, you've been told I am the best." She crosses her arms over her chest and leans back in her chair. Her head inclines toward him. "You can continue."

Steve's reservations about her being able to handle Bucky are leaving rapidly. It almost makes him smile. He holds it together with his best captain voice. "I need your expertise on a consultation. A private consultation. Completely off SHEILD books."

"Am I being roped into the organization's second overhaul?" There's bitterness lingering in her tone. The kind Steve remembers feeling on his own end for months leading up to Fury's near-assassination.

"No. When I say private, I mean private. This isn't under SHIELD purview. I'll be expecting discretion if you think you're up to the case, so we're clear."

The doctor's eyebrows sail up, and her head moves back far enough to hit her chair. "I'll be expecting you to hand over some details before I agree to a damn thing. As a follow-up, you can provide me with an explanation as to why this needed to be done an hour before midnight, with no forewarning and definitely no respect. Otherwise, you can turn your happy ass back around and go find the other neurosurgeons you didn't feel like harassing first."

Damn. He really should have gotten Natasha to do this; she's faster with proper comebacks. "You'll be given information as you need to know it. First, I need to make sure that—"

"First, you can fuck off." Her head shifts to one side as he pauses. "I don't respond well to authority, captain. I'm sure whatever's going on is very important if it's got America's Sweetheart making an ass of himself in the middle of my office on a Monday night. But that's not really my problem. It could be, were I given a reason to care about it."

"Does rectifying war crimes warrant your valuable attention, doctor?" The words feel awful leaving his mouth; she doesn't deserve to get barked at like this. But he needs an honest indication of how she'll react to a bad day.

Ava watches him with a slightly open mouth for more than a few tense moments. Then recognition dawns for a second time, and her eyes roll dramatically. "Oh, for god's sweet sake. You could have just asked if I have experience with PTSD patients. Hell, you were clearly sent by Tony, and I met the man at a veteran's benefit, so you could have asked him. Barnes' presence on the Avenger's roster isn't exactly a secret these days."

Steve holds himself still, then shifts his weight to one foot. "You met at a veteran's benefit?"

She nods slowly, with a bit of mockery behind the motion. "Yes. Almost a decade ago. He funds most of my work with the VA."

That hadn't been included in her resume. He didn't want to invade her privacy by pulling her file until she agreed to it. Steve feels heat rise to his cheeks. Then the anger starts to surface. "You know, I'm not one hundred percent sure I was supposed to know that."

"You think?" The words are bone dry, and her posture is still defensive, but there's a smile working its way up from the corners of her lips.

"Look, I...." Steve raises a hand to the back of his neck sheepishly. "I apologize. I promise it's not about doubting your professionalism—"

"It's about protecting family, yeah, I get it." Her arms don't unfold from her chest. But her eyebrows do come back down.

"He's very important to me. I want to make sure he's in good hands, that's all."

"Well?"

Steve's brows draw in. "I wasn't trying to dump the case on you right now—"

"No, idiot." Her eyes roll again, with much less aggression. "I'm asking if I passed."

"Oh." He nods, his cheeks still feeling far too hot. "With flying colors, so far. There's still a lot more to cover before we get Bucky involved, but. Yes, ma'am. I think you'll handle him just fine."

With a sigh, her arms finally lower. She extends a hand out in his direction. "Ava Ryder. It's very nice to meet you, Captain Rogers."

He takes her hand with a firm shake, inclining his head apologetically. "It's very nice to meet you, as well, doctor. You can call me Steve."

"You can call me Ava. So can James whenever I'm finally graced with his presence."

Yeah. She'll do just fine. "He prefers Bucky. And I'm sure he'll provide you with a much more agreeable first impression. All that can wait until you don't look like you're going to fall asleep on your keyboard, though.

Ava smiles warmly at him, falling back against her chair as she takes back her hand. "I'm looking forward to it. You can send me the details on the case at a reasonable hour to make up for scaring the shit out of me."

"Yes, ma'am." He tips his head respectfully, already backing up from her desk. "Sorry for the scare. And for being so disrespectful. He really is—"

"Important to you." She waves her hand dismissively before reaching up to push at her glasses. "I get it, don't worry. I'd be twice as much of a wreck in your shoes. You're doing fine."

Sometimes, on the rarest of occasions, there are benefits to having the worst moments of his life in the history books. "I appreciate that, thank you. You have a good rest of your night, ma'am. I'll send—I'll have JARVIS send you his file—"

"Captain Rogers is unaware of how to forward SHEILD files, doctor," the AI cuts in gleefully.

"I had my suspicions, JARVIS; thanks." She waves her hand again, this time in goodbye, as she looks back at her computer screen. "Please don't trip on my carpet and bust your ass on the way out of my office."

Steve pointedly turns on his heel, glad for the excuse to hide his burning face. He all but races to the door. "I'll be in contact, doc."

"Mhmm."

When he pulls open the painted door, he's almost unsurprised to find Natasha leaning against the other side of the hallway. She doesn't move at all, but one side of her mouth lifts in a smirk.

Steve lets the door shut softly behind him before cocking his head to the side. "Very cute. You two in on it together?"

"No, but sniffing out Tony's bait didn't take long. You'd have noticed, too, if you weren't so far up Bucky's ass." Her head tilts in the opposite direction as his. "Feel better?"

He straightens up with a nod. The motion feels confident. "Much."

—author's end notes, yoinked straight from ao3—

“what’s paige like?” well. to put it simply. she is every last ounce of karma that steve has earned by lovingly terrorizing his best friend 😌

i feel like the overall theme got covered enough with this to tell if the plot is for you or not. flirting starts next, but isn't super blatant until chap 4. i am in zero rush and will have no problem with dedicating an entire chap to cuddling tbh, this is a comfort project im in for the long haul. check back later for * to get full smut taste, current (possibly changing) map has it in chap 9. OR you can check back for kinktober, i have all 31 days outlined for these idiots. i need starfield to be good so i can do smut for that too, bethesda pls

keep in mind this will get sci-fi weird at times, and loosely ref/revolve around greek myth tropes bc iiiii like ‘em ❤️ im a fandom ancient who takes no issue with cleaning out the dickhead comments 😌 also i might edit shit. im still not clear on what ao3 will email about a bookmark (god willing its not edits that dont include a new chapter) but just in case i figured id warn for anyone who doesn't want email spam

im gonna try to keep ava and paige as vague as possible, aside from a few scattered physical details so i have SOMETHING to write. my favorite bucky fic in existence is a reader!fic (safe with me is Ungodly levels of good, and i dont just say that as a fellow west wing addict. i constantly forget that his apartment in it isn't actually canon and there're no m&ms hiding for eternity somewhere) so you wont get any judgment from me on replacing both of them right down to their names, that’s how im writing them!! it just feels unfair to tag it a reader fic with them being given SUCH a heavy “presence" i guess

main pov's (the undated ones) will always flip between bucky and ava. the dated ones are other characters pov's OOOOOOR its a flashback in which case it could be the two of them, but ill always try to make it clear whose headspace is focused up front, so i dont think ive set up a hurdle there

thanks for reading ❤️ i love and appreciate feedback immensely ❤️ feeds the brain chemicals 😌 no worries abt spoilers, i feel like anyone looking there knows what theyre risking lmao

[eurovision-del]

It’s the last week of national final season, with only two countries left to decide who’s going to represent them at Eurovision! One of those is Portugal, so here’s my ranking of the FdC finalists:

Mimicat – Ai Coração

Neon Soho – Endless World

SAL – Viver

Esse Povo – Sapatos de Cimento

DAPUNKSPORTIF – World Needs Therapy

INÊS APENAS  – Fim do Mundo

Cláudia Pascoal – Nasci Maria

Voodoo Marmalade – Tormento

Edmundo Inácio – A Festa

Ivandro – Povo

You Can’t Win Charlie Brown – Contraste Mudo

Churky – Encruzilhada

Bárbara Tinoco – Goodnight

This is a decent set of finalists, but I’m really missing Bandeiras – I wrote in my initial ranking how I was worried about how it might come across live, then seeing it actually performed I thought they did a fantastic job, with one of the most interesting performances across both semis, so I was shocked when it didn’t make it through!

With Bandua out of the running, I now need Mimicat to win on Saturday! For me she’s easily got the best entry – both the best song and the best voice! Her vocal is beautiful from the opening seconds, and I was blown away when she nailed that long note! I thought the staging was fine, I especially liked the shot near the start where she and the dancers leaned back over the sofa, and the dancing in general was great, but there’s definitely space to do something even more interesting with it.

It's a shame for me that Neon Soho only made it through on the second round of voting, since that pretty much rules out its chances of actually winning, because theirs is the only song here that rivals Ai Coração in terms of how much I enjoy it! I loved the staging and styling, it gave it a dreamlike quality which really matched the tone of the song.

Vivre also really stood out to me with its live performance. Based on studio cut, I’d preferred World Needs Therapy of the two rock (adjacent) songs, but SAL definitely had the better performance between them, and it made me appreciate their song much more!

Like I said, I really want Mimicat to win, I reckon she’d be the best choice for Portugal with her song being one of the most immediate here – rivaled perhaps only by Cláudia’s Nasci Maria, which I’m slightly less keen on as a song just for how repetitive it is. However, there aren’t really any bad options here – even Bárbara’s song, which I don’t particularly enjoy, had a great staging concept and would stand out based on that alone. Portugal have surprised me before by choosing something that was completely off my radar which I then went on to fall in love with by the time we reached Eurovision itself, and I could see that happening again!

[astabetrayer]

Angry

I started a new epilepsy medication three or four weeks ago, and not a single week has gone by without getting so angry at some point that I cry for hours. Mind you, there's a lot to be angry about, but the med is just gasoline on a very hot fire. I keep trying to do positive things, make things (hence me trying to get back into photography), but instead I find myself hyperfocusing on things and becoming angry.

Unrelatedly, I really like the shadows under my eyes. It's like I'm born goth and ready to go, baby!

But watching people argue (and people arguing with me) about ethics in tech is frustrating; take for instance that new DA art service. I spent something like a year and a half in AI/ML before leaving due to a dearth of ethics in that field, so it's frustrating to watch people argue over tiny details about why it doesn't violate copyright; it doesn't, but I got so mad arguing about why it's unethical... and of course, the takeover of a media comms channel by a stupid racist edgelord. I was so angry with people arguing with me, gaslighting me, "misinterpreting" me that by the time I hit therapy I just started crying and didn't stop for ages. I couldn't stop focusing on it. It's frustrating.

I've been in places where my voice wasn't heard, or my position misunderstood, or blatantly lied about in public while I could do nothing about it. All that anger boils to the surface; I'm here, I say! I get the tech involved! I understand the role ethics should play in the decisions companies should make! And I've been on the losing end, too! I get it, and it's not okay!

In between not drinking anymore and the silly yet life saving briviact, I have my brain back, for good or ill. It won't turn off, and the anger I never dealt with comes rushing to the surface; you see someone in a position you were in! You want to be the person, for them, that you needed at the time! But you just have tears of frustration and anger and a headache because your sinuses are fucked.

So! Take some silly photos (especially since I promised my therapist I wouldn't go online and "hiss and spit" at people tonight) and try to put something positive into the world. All my frustration and disagreeing and talking about what tech should be isn't doing any good at the moment, and I haven't learned to handle my emotions properly when they boil into my face and then I'm not doing anyone any good, am I? So have some pictures; it's definitely made me feel better. As does this coffee (decaf!)

[ragingbookdragon]

Question do you write for readers with hearing loss? Because i am quickly losing my hearing at a young age and I'm in desperate need of a comfort fic.

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about that. I tried to make a good fic for you. I know losing your hearing is definitely scary, but know there are many options to help you keep living a fulfilling life, like learning sign language, implants, or vibration sensation/therapy. And also know that there are always people willing to help you. -Thorne

**********************************************************************

It wasn’t immediate, the act of loosing their hearing. It had been subtle, a growth. A tingle in their throat that seemed to be a cold that just wouldn’t go away, traveling up their sinuses and to their ears. The popping and lack of that started to suppress ability. Their family was worried, they knew that. Knew it in the worried looks during the doctor’s office or in the way their family watched them strain to hear even a normal speaking voice. All signs pointed for total loss, they knew that too. And they were scared—who wouldn’t be when something that’s been relied on for life suddenly disappears? What was this going to mean for their vigilante career? What was this going to mean for their life? For the rest of it?

***

They’d stopped going patrolling when the hearing loss reached fifty percent in both ears. Their father had explained it as best he could that without the hearing, they could possibly get hurt. It’d stung, more than they’d wanted to admit, but at the same time, they understood. Instead, they hung around the Batcave and helped Alfred when they could, fixing suits and weapons, doing things that they still believed made them useful.

Someone tapped their shoulder and they turned, seeing Dick smiling at them. “Hey kiddo.”

They could still read lips, but it’d taken hours of practice to do so; thankfully, their siblings spoke a bit slower and more pronounced for them to understand. “Hello,” they replied, unsure if they were being loud or soft.

“We’ve got something to show you,” he said. “Or dad does.”

They let Dick lead them over to where Bruce was standing with Tim, the two talking back and forth, a headset between them that looked awfully familiar to their mask. Bruce looked up as they came over. “Hey sweetheart.” He held the device out to them. “I want you to put this on.”

It was going to cover their eyes, the main way they could still ‘hear’. “I won’t be able to see you?” they murmured, a bit hurt and he merely shook his head.

“It’s okay. Trust me.”

With furrowed brows and doubt, they took the mask and slipped it on over their head. “What now?” they asked when all they could see was their family.

Suddenly the mask vibrated, and a blue marker ticked in the corner of their mask with the warning, Multiple persons detected behind. They recoiled, spinning around to see Dick and Damian standing there.

“What…what is this?” they asked.

Someone took the mask off, or at least pushed it up so they could see; Bruce held up their gauntlet from their suit. “We’ve spent the last few months integrating an echo-locating AI into your suit.” He tapped the mask. “The AI is new, but so far it’s primary designation is to be your ears.”

They blinked, pushing the mask down again. “Hello?”

The bright blue words illuminated in the corner. Hello Mx. Wayne. I am Echo-locating Intelligent Operational Transformer. Or as your family has dubbed me, “ELIOT”.

They blinked. “Eliot.”

Yes Mx. Wayne. How can I assist you?

Their eyes found their father’s. “How is this supposed to help me?”

“Eliot will watch and listen to things that you can’t see and hear and will relay it to you in your mask.”

They blinked. “So…I can still be a vigilante even if I’m deaf?”

Correct. Eliot sent. I will be your eyes and ears when you are in the field.

“But what about when I’m not in the field. What about when I’m here? Or out as a civilian?”

Mr. Wayne has thought of that solution too.

Bruce pulled up the mask and handed them an inconspicuous pair of black framed glasses with clear lenses. “Here. Put these on.”

They did, mouth forming an ‘oh’ as the world turned a cool tone.

Hello again, Mx. Wayne. I will be here to assist you when you are a civilian. As of now, your siblings are standing behind you.

They looked back and sure enough, all their brothers and sisters were there. Tears flooded their vision and they sniffed, looking down at their feet. “I didn’t know you were doing this for me.”

Bruce took their chin, lifting their head. “I know it’s been hard this past year losing your hearing and I know you’ve been scared and feeling broken. But let me tell you that you’re not.” He smiled. “You’re working so hard to learn ASL and bolster your sight and other senses.”

He held up the mask then nodded to the glasses. “Eliot is going to help out, but never forget that it’s you who’s gotten this far, sweetheart.”

Teary eyed, they threw themselves at their father, squeezing him tightly, and before their siblings even joined in the hug, Eliot said, Your siblings are converging to include themselves in this share of human affection.

[shit-scfandom-did]

so i have a few questions

1)i cannot understand how you ship k*ramel. their relationship was FILLED with toxicity. from mon-el failing over and over again to listen to what kara had to say to him basically telling her to give up being kara danvers. convincing her that "being supergirl and having you is enough” was absolutely horrible. karamel had their moments but overall it was toxic. then in s3 mon el was married and the whole point of season 3 was allowing them to move on. accepting the toxicity from s2 and pushing past that romanticized time. mon el was a better person by 3b but he was still married. even if mon el and imra did break up in the finale there’s no future for karamel. even during 5x13 kara went to ask on advice about lena. and when winn came to visit from the future not a word about him. she’s moved on and it just wouldn’t make sense for kara to end up with him.

2) how can you hate lena so so so much?? it’s been said over and over again that all she’s ever wanted to do is good. though she’s designed to be this morally grey character. she has FLAWS but that’s what makes her so good. she’s a victim of abuse and you can see her struggle with that especially in seasons 4 and 5. in 5 she definitely goes down a questionable path but how can you expect her not too? after being emotionally abused by her brother, betrayed by her family, andrea (this did happen before kara), and then eve. finding out that kara and EVERYONE she loves has betrayed her as well. I mean how could you not go mad?? and even when she “went mad” she was trying to rid humanity of PAIN. something she later realized was a necessary part of life. her hurt blinded her from reality and lex’s manipulation pushed her down further. she’s been hurt and broken so many times and while that’s not an excuse for what she’s done you have no sympathy for her and that I find appalling. lena has realized what she’s done is wrong, that she’s made mistakes, what she did to kara, and she will have to live with that isn’t that punishment enough? she’s apologized and is trying to make up for everything she’s done by saving the world (again). your unnecessary hate towards her infuriates me. cant you take a step back and see the whole picture?

3) why DONT you ship supercorp or accept the queerbaiting? (watch this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C2w2GBXd_Pg) They are the core relationship of the show while the danvers sisters are the heart. they’ve gone through so so much together and practically dated in early season 2. they love each other it’s just oh so apparent. i like to believe one of the reasons lena reacted so strongly in s5 is because she was in love with kara and she couldn’t handle the person she was in love with lying to her. and kara flew around the world to get lena’s favorite food!! if that’s not romantic idk what is. I feel like you’ve developed such a clouded view of supercorp that you need to take a step back and understand what lena is the love of kara’s life.

wow what a long message. im not here to hate. im here to inform & undertand. i get it. karamel had their moments and even MY perception of them might be a little cloudy. im not going to hate you for liking them. hell I even shipped them for a little! my brother thinks 3b mon el and kara would’ve been perfect but he understands that supercorp is just where the show is leading and he wants them to be endgame. but what I will hate is your hate. what’s the point of all this? this thread, this account is going to do NOTHING. so why bother? I debated sending this and I hope I’m not too harsh at times but I really wanna see what you say. I hope you can open your eyes to lena and supercorp. maybe even become a supercorp shipper yourself!

- thanks and supercorp endgame 💙❤️

First of all, if you want to discuss ships in the future send this type of anons to facepalming-since-chernobyl, this blog is not for this, but for gathering receipts.

1.I just ship it, I don’t get why you have to understand it. It’s shipping. But if you insist:

No, it was not filled with toxicity. Count me when he failed to listen to her when they were in a relationship. Secondly, he is not a dog, he has his brain, he is his own person. People don’t always do what others asked them to do. It’s not slavery.

He has NEVER said to her to give up being Kara Danvers. How did he exactly convince her? How can you read the scene that he convinced her that being supergirl and having him is erasing Kara Danvers? In this scene he supports anything SHE WANTS to do. Also, Kara Danvers doesn’t equal Kara being a reporter in CatCo. On that moment she had her blog. She change people’s live with it like a real reporter. She took the risk and met consequences of her actions aka being fired by Snapper. Also, remind me who told her to create a blog? With your logic Lena was erasing Kara Danvers too.

Friendly reminder that he was forced to the marriage to keep peace. Also, friendly reminder Imra and the Legion out him in this situation without telling him about her plans. She and Brainiac put him there, knowing exactly how much he loved Kara and how much she meant to him. Imra knew that, that’s why she asked him to stay and solve his feelings. She said if he had come back, she would have known he had no doubts. But he wanted to stay, that’s why they broke up. He came back because once again he sacrificed himself for the greater good, like a real hero. Maybe watch the Argo eps because they clearly show that no, it was no about moving on.

It was not accepting about so called toxicity. First of all, she already forgave him that he lied. Secondly, all of she was screaming in that scene, when she was infected with M’rynn’s powers, happened before they got together and it was already approached in the musical ep. Aka, this scene had no point.

There is no future for karamel because you say so?

Kara went to asked him, because she truly believed and trusted him and his judgment. And yes, she asked about Lena and what did he said? That Kara deserved the same compassion she gives others, something Lena never gave her. And sorry, I know all scs scream the 100 ep was about sc, but it was about Kara fully realizing she is not responsible for Lena’s horrible choices. That’s it. And friendly reminder she called her a villain in the last scene. Also, the ep showed than no matter what, Lena always ends screwing something, because she has too big ego, always knows better, doesn’t stand criticism and doesn’t trust anyone.

It doesn’t make sense for you. Suit yourself.

2.Her fans made me hate her :) Thanks to them and how they excuse her every horrible action, how they treat her as a victim, while she abuse everyone etc. I started to watch her more carefully. And well, she is a horrible, white, privileged capitalist, who plays god, judge, jury, has mommy issues and acts like typical Luthor while crying she is not one, while still using Luthors money and resources.

Yeah, many people want to make good and end doing evil things. Common people pay for their sins, she has never. Since allowing hostile Daxamite army to invade the Earth (also, her portal affected the other aliens who destroyed the NC), producing a device that could recofnize aliens without their consent (and it was used by Children of Liberty,)producing and lying about Kryptonite, trying to make people superpowered without any supervision, killing Adam during illegal experiment, supporting openly alienphobic president and in a way Agent Liberty, killing Lex and then blaming Kara and finally manipulating Kara for months, lying, gaslighting, yelling, making her steal Lex journal, trying to lobotomize her and tortured with kryptonite, hurting every way possible, physically and mentally. Working with mass murderer, enslaving 3 people (kidnapping Eve, without her consent putting AI into her mind, basically RAPING her brain and making her a puppet in her own body; enslaving end experimenting on Malefic and Russel – threatening to kill him to steal Andrea’s necklace) – none of it are flaws. It was horrible abuse and violating every human right and the fact some people excuse it is disgusting.

First of all, being victim of abuse doesn’t give you the rights to HURT other people. The fact I have to explain pains me. Secondly, what abuse exactly? Lillian didn’t love her? Lex kidnapped her? Said he was going to kill her? You know what? Winn HAD HORRIBLE past and he didn’t turn into a murderer. Mon-El was abused by his mother and never tortured Kara with Kryptonite. J’onn killed a lot of white martians but last time I checked he doesn’t feel good about it. Also, never said the things he has done were GOOD. See a difference?

Yeah, and all of it, still doesn’t give her the rights to torture people. Also, friendly reminder she lied to Supergirl about Kryptonite in s3, much before the whole drama. Remember how she destroyed the life of a girl that stole boyfriend in middle school? It clearly shows she always had THAT in her. Plus, sorry not sorry, if she wanted different life, outside her family she could have easily done that. She was in Star City, with Jack, doing her researches, making her career. And she threw it all away, because she WANTED to be a Luthor.

Plus, sorry not sorry, if you feel betrayed and hurt because your friend didn’t tell you something she didn’t OWE you, you go to therapy, not trying to lobotomize entire planet.

Mate, she wanted to lobotomizer entire humanity, without ANYONE’S consent, because SHE, one single Lena, felt hurt. This is playing a GOD. Nothing explains it.

Planning a cold ass revenge for months is not being blinded by feelings.

Once again, even if could argue about how many times she was broken, most of that was a white privileged life she chose herself but whatever, it still doesn’t excuse her. All of she has done should meet consequences. Paying for shit you have done, accepting it, fully realizing what you have done is a part of redemption. Still in s5 she didn’t even apologize to Kara. Because she still didn’t understand what she has done and doesn’t feel sorry about it.

Feel appalled as much as you want, because I’m not going to feel sorry for a white, privileged woman who has never paid for her actions and is basically a living avatar of the worst Karen you can imagine.

She realized Lex was using her horrible experiments (remember? She experimented on puppies too) to his own agenda, that’s why she went to Kara. That’s not grasping a thing. Mhm, if you call that an apology then suit yourself. She is not saving the world, she is helping once again other people fixing the shit she created.

Feel infuriated as much as you want, because I don’t care? Especially when it comes from a person who tells others to take a step back while being totally narrow minded about Mon-El and karamel.

3.Because actors, prodcuers, writers call SC a female friendship. Mel did that in her last interview. See whatever you want but maybe stop forcing people to ship a horribly abusive ship.

Well… no. Kara is the heart and soul of the Supergirl. Alex is her most important relationship. Lena is an important friend, who doesn’t deserve it yet, but we all know Kara is the Paragon of Hope so of course she is going to forgive her.

I know you people think sc dated because they breathed in one room, but in s2 Kara dated, had sex, kissed, cuddled and enjoyed her time with Mon-El.

Yeah, they love each other as friends. It was said more than once.

That’s your delusion, you are free to do it.

Kara done that to Alex too, so you are saying she is romantically in love with her sister or something? If bringing people food is romantic and damn, most of the people I know loves me, god.

No, lena is not Kara’s love of her life.

Cool, you are not going to hate me because I ship karamel, I’m touched.

Sorry that you are going to be super disappointed in the end of the show I guess.

You will hate my hate – what’s the point of it?

Once again, because I don’t think you understand the point of this blog or read the description – it’s gathering receipts of assholes who cross tag and hate on the actors. Maybe go and search #gross hate or #cast hate on this blog so you can see how amazing your fandom is. Have fun.

I would rather eat my own shit than starting shipping the victim of abuse with her abuser.

Thanks and no :)