#the amount of times ive had that attitude directed at myself....

[revvetha]

sometimes I remember a former friend who once went on a date with an autistic guy. the date didn't go well and afterwards she told me she could never ever be with someone "like that", because autistic people are just "too much to deal with" and "can't feel love". this was long before I myself was diagnosed, but man did it stick with me. too much to deal with.

[imaslutforwritingshit]

oh my god you're like the only writer i've found whose requests are open rn

so basically ive been reading this rlly good book where the male protagonist is like rlly tall and super sweet and a hockey player and now i very desperately need ethan landry as that with like a short reader who maybe has some attitude

you can add smut (preferably) but if you can't think of anything for it it's fine!

OKAY

(Hockey Ethan Landry x fem. short reader, that ice skates)

(Part One- teasing, plot)

Sorry to the requester! This took a while like four months 😭 but luckily it’s skating season!

Ethan Landry ❤️‍🔥

Julie Weston 🤍

I started the routine again. It’s the only thing that keeps me sane. Wake up, grab my skates, go on the ice. I forget all of my problems when I skate, letting them fall under my feet as I rake the blades into powdery ice. Today, the rink is empty, given no one comes this early. It’s 5:00 in the morning, and if any person would be here right now, my guess is that they would be a sports player, considering how insane they all are.

Skating has been a part of my life forever, since I was a child, even. I don’t let myself think about how long it’s been, how much has changed. I just ride, to quote Lana, whose music I immediately put on, raising the volume of my AirPods to (almost) an extreme level. I begin the comfortable act of sliding my legs, bending my knees, then faster, until the ice is blending and whirling under my skates, and I am speeding in the rink, distracted by the music in my ears. I do a backwards spiral, grabbing my leg and twirling, then a backwards spin. I feel elevated, euphoric, and then, I feel a hard wall slam into my backside.

I trip over my skates, and fall to the ice, hearing my leggings rip from the impact. Groaning, I push myself up from my hands. Not blood, just a scrape on my legs. I sigh, and feel that my AirPods fell out of my ears when I had slammed to the ground. As I searched the ice for them, a low, gravely tone behind me scoffed.

I jumped, immediately turning unsuccessfully to meet the person. I stumbled, and straightened my legs out of fear, like a small deer in the wintertime. But no sheer amount of embarrassment could prepare me for who I saw behind me.

Ethan.

Ethan Landry.

When he met my expression, he smiled, his dark eyes glinting with the satisfaction of my surprise. His hair was messy, as if he had just woke up from bed, like me. He was wearing a black hoodie, and grey sweatpants, which seemed normal, but what stuck out to me was the hockey stick in his hands.

“I’m not gonna play with you, you know.” I stammered, pointing at the stick.

Ethan laughed smugly, and I swear I could’ve just slapped him then and there. He tapped the base of the stick on the ground. “Yeah? I was hoping you would.” He dropped his eyes to my smaller body, and I straightened my shoulders in an effort to be taller. “You certainly have the…build of a hockey player.”

I rolled my eyes, and huffed, grabbing my AirPods awkwardly in front of him. I could feel his stare down my back, and I really wished he wasn’t in direct view of my ass. I moved on the ice faster than I thought possible to get away from him, finding a corner where I practicing skating drills in an effort to sit with my thoughts. Ethan was moving a puck casually on the other side of the rink, and I made certain that he didn’t see me staring.

When I was in elementary school, Ethan Landry was every girl’s crush. How could he not be? With his dreamy eyes, his soft, tender voice, cute curls? I could remember every friend I ever had begging him for his number, or to sit with him during lunchtime. But no, not me. I saw who he really was. He was cocky, so much so that every time I walked by him, he would ask me if I was ready to admit I liked him. But I never did, and even if I would, he would never hear about it. Ethan would pester me, throw dodgeballs at my shoulder, tap my thumb repeatedly in 7up, until I glared at him, ultimately losing the game.

And I was fine hating Ethan Landry. I enjoyed it. I liked knowing that I was the only one who knew what he was- a playboy.

In 5th grade, I had a friend named Allie. She always tried to convince me to “confess” that I liked Ethan. She told me nobody could resist him, and there’s no point in me pretending that I didn’t like him. But it didn’t matter how many times I told her I wouldn’t. She already had a plan.

Allie wrote a fake love letter, filled with the grossest things a 5th grader would possibly write, or know about. Allie signed the letter with my name; putting it on Ethan’s desk the morning of English class. I will never forget the look on Ethan’s face after she told me what she did. It’s the first time I saw him blush.

Probably because Allie wrote, “I want to sleep with you,” in the letter, even if she didn’t know what that meant yet.

Needless to say, I never talked to that girl again, until she moved schools. And Ethan stopped bothering me after that. Only recently, in high school, the taunting and teasing has come up again. And with it, memories of 5th grade. I just need him out of my life. And the worst part is, he’s still just as fawned over, if not more, than before. Every girl I ever knew had once crushed on him. He’s gotten significantly taller, around 6’3, and his form filled out nicely after enrolling into hockey 7 years ago. I never went to any of his games, and honestly, I don’t care to. He’s not my friend, my enemy, or my lover. He’s nothing to me.

I took a break from skating, huffing over the side of the rink walls. I heard him skate over to me, and I straightened my body again, my heart suddenly faster. I didn’t dare look at him.

“Hey.” His voice was soft, hesitant. I ignored him. “Hey.” I only stared at him, feigning boredom. He gritted his teeth. “Julie, can I talk to you?”

“No.” I turned around and began skating on the ice. I heard Ethan groan behind me and follow my trail.

“What happened to us?” His voice was light, but the words cut deep.

I whirled around, putting my hands in my hips to seem like my fingers weren’t shaking.

“What do mean, us? There has been no us, there will never be an us,” I exclaim, skating backwards. “The last time I checked, the only thing you ever wanted us to be was the boy who makes fun of the girl, and the girl who loveeeddd the boy so much!” I mocked him, rolling out the word with an irritating gesture. I huffed in cold air, and whirled around for the final time, taking my time to exit the rink.

As I clanked my skates on the warm carpet of the bench area, I looked back, seeing Ethan’s eyes on mine. He was breathing heavily, his chest heaving up and down, and butterflies warmed my core. I forced my eyes down, and began disassembling my skates, stuffing them in the light pink bag I got for my 18th birthday.

“You know that I knew about Allie, right?”

His deep voice shocked me out of my state of pitiful thoughts. I shook my hair out of my face, and stared up, Ethan suddenly nearing the wall that separated the rink from the sitting area. I slid on my boots, and wiped melted water droplets from my pants as I stood.

“What?” My voice was weary. I just wanted to be home. School was tomorrow, and I would prefer to keep my Sunday Ethan-free from now on.

He stepped into the area, and sat down on the bench opposite to me. He was out of breath, red cheeked, with a smooth glaze of sweat gleaming on his sharp jawline. As he dusted off his sweats and kicked off his skates, he scoffed.

“I knew that Allie wrote the letter.” Silence filled the heavy room, only the heaters buzzing from afar the sound I could hear. Ethan finally stood up, black sneakers on his feet. He unzipped his jacket slowly, his eyes burning onto mine. As he stripped his body, I could see the muscles lining fabric underneath his shirt. I had to clench my thighs, bite my lip, not to go crazy.

Because, the secret was?

I’ve been attracted to Ethan Landry since the day I met him. And I’ve been trying, trying so hard to convince myself that I wasn’t.

He tugged on his sleeves, and casually zipping his bag as he talked. “She told me that she wrote it. And the reason that I was ignoring you after all of it wasn’t because I was embarrassed that you wanted to sleep with me.”

He stood near me, now towering over my frail body. I can’t believe how much taller he got, and he closed space between us, until I was up against the wall.

My nerves were burning, and his eyes were dark, fire pooling in his dangerously beautiful irises. He leaned in, his husky voice in my ear. “It’s because I was upset that you didn’t want to.”

My mouth dropped. “You were ten, and you knew what sleeping with people was?” That wasn’t on my mind. The thought that he would want me too… it drove me insane. I rubbed my legs together harder, pressure in my core.

Ethan laughed, but in a way that almost sounded painful. He leaned back, grazing my body with his eyes. “Jesus, not then.” His face suddenly got serious, as he rested his eyes on my hips, my breasts, and then my lips again.

“Now.”

My eyes opened wider than I could have imagined, and I gasped, letting breath open my lungs.

“Y-you want to sleep with me now?” I straightened my back, my eyes drilled into his.

His expression glinted with dark lust, a smile forming on his face as he took in my shock.

“Yeah.” He whispered, grabbing my wrist and sliding my arm over my head.

“Is that a problem?”

[iconic--trash]

I'm gonna rant about this on here

Cause I don't know what to think

I've always had bipolar, always. So far I haven't found the greatest treatment for it. Antidepressants at least take the edge off the anxiety part, but don't really help a lot overall. Anyway, I've always been a person to push myself to and past my limits. "If your muscles aren't sore, you aren't working hard enough". I've always had a really hard time working jobs, it never lasts long. I'm unemployed at the moment but Ive had warehouse and assembly line jobs before.

Anyway. I just learned that bipolar does count as a disability (in the states) and I've never been great at managing my bipolar.

But (as with everything) I'm torn in two directions. I wanna just call myself disabled, it would ease my anxiety. I'm unable to work bc my roommate is using my car for work and has a crazy schedule, and I live in the middle of nowhere where there's no work. So Im waiting it out til my roommate and I get things more settled. Calling my bipolar a disability, even just in my own mind, would make me feel better.

But at the same time it feels like giving up, or giving in. I don't want to be called lazy, or a mooch, or anything like that. I've always been one to push myself hard

But that does come with consequences. In assembly line I wanted to be the fastest builder on our shift. After a year and a half I got there, but now forever if I use my left arm too much I get nerve pain from the carpel tunnel I almost sorta got. So I know I have to be careful, I'm not great at minding my own limits.

Which is another reason working is difficult. I end up pushing too hard, mentally and physically. I really see why bipolar is a disability. Just the amount of times I've gotten hurt at work from being work-obsessed.

I get so work-obsessed. Dude. I get the attitude that I have to be the best and end up thinking about it at almost all times. It's almost unhealthy, now that I think about it like that. It's always compulsive. I start off not caring and wind up being so obsessed that I would lie in bed at night thinking of how to be better at my job.

If you made it this far you might as well know, I also had freaking long covid for a year. I had the terrible part, was scared I'd stop breathing in my sleep and die so I didn't sleep, and then spent months unable to get out of bed. I'm just tired now, dude. I'm just so tired. I survived freaking covid and I'm just so tired.

I wanna push myself as hard as I can, but I might push myself off a cliff. I already got nerve damage and some broken bones from reckless manic-working. But if I try to call myself disabled because of my bipolar I'm always afraid everyone I know will try to call bs on me, saying they've worked with me and obviously I'm a good worker so how dare I call myself disabled and ruin the name and reputation of actual disabled people.

I get so paranoid. When I was sick with covid no one believed me except my roommate. I was too busy pushing myself at work to notice how I felt and didn't know I was sick until I was already past the point where the tests could detect it. (This was in 2020, pre-vaccine. I've def had my vaccine now) but I didn't get tested until it was too late. Then all I could hear from ppl was 'when are you going back to work'. Even my doctor didn't like that I wasn't working even though I had long-covid, which drs were sorta just learning about at the same time I was sick.

But ever since then, I just feel like I have to be the normal healthy person ppl think of me as, but I don't feel normal or healthy.

I may end up pushing myself into another warehouse job again where I'll be miserable, barely surviving, and hating myself but at least I'll be a productive member of society. Until I eventually lose that job because of my bipolar. Then it just starts again. I really truly feel this disabled thing is up my alley but I have this in-bred compulsion to ignore it and not allow myself to think about it.

As with almost everything I feel two conflicting things, both just as strong as the other.

[violethowler]

Break the Wheel

It’s a common point of discussion in the Kingdom Hearts fandom how often the main heroes are screwed over by the actions and attitudes of their various mentors. Ansem the Wise, Eraqus, the Master of Masters... Nearly every mentor figure in the series has contributed in some way to the pain the young people they interact with have endured over the course of the series. 

The Master of Masters deliberately manipulated his pupils into turning against each other and starting a war to further his own agenda. The Foretellers spread that suspicion and mistrust of each other outward to the members of their respective Unions. From what we’re seeing so far, the Dandelions are removed from the Master’s direct influence and are handling the Potential Traitor discussion so much better than the Foretellers did in Back Cover, but something still clearly went wrong that left at least four of them thousands of years in the future with only vague memories of their past at best. 

Birth by Sleep showed how Eraqus’ paranoia and distrust of darkness directly lead to the suffering of his pupils. His attitude toward Terra’s darkness in the beginning drove the latter to seek validation from Xehanort, who used Terra for his own agenda causing Aqua to trap herself in the Realm of Darkness to save her friend. Eraqus’ insistence that she spy on Terra and bring Ven back to the Land of Departure drove a wedge between the trio at Radiant Garden. And his willingness to kill Ventus to stop Xehanort leads to his duel with Terra and subsequent death. 

Ienzo’s role in the experiments performed by the Organization’s founders prior to the fall of Radiant Garden is unclear, but his conversation with Ansem in Kingdom Hearts III suggests that the older apprentices kept him in the dark about many things and might have potentially used Ansem’s fondness for him to manipulate their mentor. This resulted in Ansem’s banishment and - if DDD is any indication - turning Ienzo into a Nobody against his will when he was only 8 years old. 

Ansem himself went on to openly seek the destruction of Roxas, Xion, and Namine for the sake of his revenge against everyone who wronged him, using his prejudice against Nobodies to justify the things he did in pursuit of his goals. And despite guiding Riku to accept his own darkness in Chain of Memories, Ansem still fundamentally buys into the view of Darkness as something inherently negative, best illustrated at the end of Riku’s side of that game where DiZ attempted to make Riku choose between the “road to light” and “road to darkness”, implicitly trying to force Riku into a rigid either/or path that Riku rejects in favor of choosing “the middle road”.

This pattern has repeated often enough that when fans on Twitter shared screenshots of Dark Road from the game’s prematurely leaked website showing Master Odin, several fans - myself included - began eagerly anticipating the ways in which this pattern of old men failing the young would rear its head in Xehanort’s time as an apprentice. 

The fact that this pattern appears so consistently across the entire Kingdom Hearts timeline is not an accident. The entire starting point of the Heroine’s Journey is built around the idea that the protagonist’s environment - parents, mentors, peers, sometimes even their entire society - has failed them in some way[1]. By forcing them to adhere to a rigid binary of what traits are considered desirable versus undesirable, it forces people who do not fit those standards to cut themselves off from vital parts of who they are in order to be recognized and validated.

So when the younger generation grows up with these standards and is called to fix the mistakes of their elders, they are expected to do so on their mentors’ terms[2]. In doing so, they will ultimately continue the cycle that led to those problems in the first place. But the central protagonist of the Heroine’s Journey is different. The qualities which set them apart are the same ones that allow them to think outside of this rigid binary and ultimately break that cycle. In the course of their growth, the main character learns to create a new, better world not by vanquishing a villain who represents the failures of the old one, but by healing the wounds those failures created. 

Kairi said it best in Kingdom Hearts III that Sora’s journey is about helping people, many of whom he’s never met before. This is significant because the protagonist breaking out of the cycle has commonly taken the form of learning to solve problems with compassion and understanding instead of violence and punishment[1]. The main character cannot improve the world around them by simply killing the villain and calling it a day. In order to achieve meaningful change they need to help the people who have been hurt by this rigid cycle. And as the contrast between Sora’s attitudes towards the dying Organization members in Kingdom Hearts II and III demonstrates, that includes the same villains he’s fighting against. Yes, even Xehanort.

Because when you look back and think about it, every non-Disney antagonist in the Kingdom Hearts series is shown to be motivated by the pain and/or trauma inflicted on them by the worldview of their peers and mentors, which they then took out on the people around them. 

Marluxia as Lauriam was powerless to stop Strelitzia’s murder, and then he lost all memory of his past when he arrived in the present from the Age of Fairy Tales. That knowledge casts his behavior in Chain of Memories as someone trying to control the people around him as a proxy to feel like he has control over his own life[3]. 

Ienzo’s words when Ansem returns in Kingdom Hearts III[4] and the fact that he was a child [5] when Radiant Garden fell[6] paint his words toward Riku in Chain of Memories about the latter destroying his home as Zexion projecting the repressed guilt over the destruction of his home onto Riku. 

Saix’s cruelty toward Roxas and Xion in 358/2 Days is revealed in Kingdom Hearts III to have been driven by jealousy towards Axel and the feeling that he was being abandoned and replaced[7].  

All of these characters’ villainous actions can be traced back to the influence of the mentor figures of their generation. Marluxia’s survivor’s guilt over Strelitzia’s death is the result of her killer attempting to defy the manipulations of the Master of Masters. Saix was gaslit about his own humanity by Xemnas and Xigbar for over a decade with Xemnas’ manipulation and whatever effect Norting had on him on top of that. Ienzo’s conversation with Ansem in Kingdom Hearts III indicates that he didn’t fully understand what Ansem’s adult apprentices were doing around him when they were conducting their experiments, and the flashback at the start of Dream Drop Distance suggests he had not become a Nobody of his own volition. 

Xehanort too, is someone who was hurt by this destructive cycle. The things he indicates he saw during his world tour - people refusing to acknowledge the darkness in their own hearts and allowing it to grow [8] - showed him the consequences of repressing one’s darkness and negative emotions as he and Eraqus were taught. He wanted to change this, but he was still so entrenched in that system that the best he could think of ultimately amounted to the same rigid viewpoint but flipped so that darkness was on top. 

The merciless death many fans felt Xehanort deserved would only reinforce the “darkness evil, light good” worldview that Riku’s redemption arc was built on overturning. In order to truly heal the wounds created by the rigid belief system that made the villain who they are, the protagonist needs to be able to extend their compassion and sympathy even to their greatest enemies, or else it fundamentally breaks the narrative. The idea that there should be limits or conditions on such compassion is exactly the kind of mentality that led Eraqus to try and kill Terra and Ventus in Birth by Sleep. It doesn’t mean the main characters will ever forgive the villain(s) for what they’ve done, but that they are choosing to let go. To focus their energy on self-care and rebuilding, instead of more violence and more destruction[2].

Regardless of how individual fans feel about it, Xehanort being treated with dignity in his final moments needed to happen in order to show Sora’s growth. If Kingdom Hearts III had given Xehanort a violent demise like some of us wanted, it would have been a betrayal of the Heroine’s Journey’s major themes. Treating opponents with sympathy and compassion is a critical element of the framework, and is necessary in order to allow the protagonist to break free of the destructive mentality that created the story’s overarching conflict in the first place. 

Sources:

[1] “The Heroine with a Thousand Faces”; June 13, 2019;

https://www.teampurplelion.com/heroine-with-a-thousand-faces/

[2] “On Love and Lions Part 1: An Analysis of Love in VLD”; February 14, 2020. https://www.teampurplelion.com/on-love-and-lions-1/

[3] Analysis of Marluxia by @mlhelena;  https://mlhelena.tumblr.com/post/185211447430/thought-that-ive-been-nursing-for-a-while

[4] Kingdom Hearts III. Square Enix, 2019. 

[5] Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep. Square Enix, 2010.

[6] Kingdom Hearts 3D: Dream Drop Distance. Square Enix, 2012. 

[7] Concerning Atypical Heart Regrowth in Nobodies: Saïx Case Study by dicax; June 23, 2019.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19329115

[8] Kingdom Hearts III Re:Mind. Square Enix, 2020. 

[calumance]

LA Devotee - Part XIX

Warnings: heart wrenching angst, cussing, drinking

Word Count: 3.6k

Summary: Emily has arrived at her conference, but that doesn’t mean she can stop thinking about Calum. Nothing seems to be going right anymore, that is until she gets home.

A/N: Oof, I’m sorry this is so late. I hope you guys enjoy it! Happy reading!!!! 🥰🥰🥰 Feedback and requests are always welcomed! (Want to be notified when I post stuff? Let me know!)

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV | Part XV | Part XVI | Part XVII | Part XVIII 

Masterlist

        I dropped my bags on the hotel floor and flicked on the light switch. The door shut behind me and I looked around the room. If Calum stays in rooms that look anything like this, I don’t know how he doesn’t lose his mind. After a second I walked to the window and tossed the curtains open. The view was the brick building next to the hotel, if I leaned forward and pressed my left cheek to the glass, I could see one billboard from Times Square. I closed the curtains with a sigh and sat on the end of the bed, dropping my head into my hands. This is going to be a horrible week.

        My phone dinged, and I dropped my hands and leaned back, my eyebrows furrowing. My eyebrows released and my heart started to race when I saw Calum’s name. I swiped up to unlock my phone and read the message, “Just landed in LA, hope you had a safe flight. Cal” A sigh escaped my chest and I set my phone on the bed next to me. My heart beat one more time before another message came through. Without moving my body, I reached next to me and grabbed my phone then reluctantly read the message, “I miss you so much. I can’t wait until I can hold you in my arms again, Emily. I’ll call you when I get home.” I tossed my phone behind me, letting it bounce on the mattress. After letting a few thoughts run through my head, I pushed myself off the bed and walked to the bathroom to take a shower before I had to be in a meeting in two hours.

        The mirrors in the bathroom were coated with steam. The fan in the bathroom barely worked and made a horrible screeching noise when I turned it on. After I stepped out of the shower, I wrapped the towel around my hair and body then walked out of the bathroom. The screen on my phone lit up as the ringtone sounded. My heart raced as I walked around the bed and leaned over to see who it was. Seeing Calum’s name, I closed my eyes and let out a breath. Before I could miss the call, I answered the call, “Hello?” I tried to keep the attitude suppressed, but a small amount seeped through. Noticing it, I held my breath and sat on the bed, waiting for Calum to say something.

        “Hey,” He said, the sound of the door shutting in the background. “How was your flight?” There was a thud in the background, resembling the sound of his bag hitting the floor.

        I cleared my throat, “It was good. How was your trip home?” Tears started to well in my eyes and I looked up at the ceiling. My heart hurt, I just wanted to tell him I love him, but the fear of our lives moving in two different directions over taking my feelings.

        “It was good. It feels good to be home.” His voice cracked, causing him to clear his throat and stop his thoughts.

        My chest felt tight, and the phone call suddenly got heavy. “Listen, I have to be in a meeting in an hour. I’m going to let you go so I can get ready.” He stumbled over his words before he gave me a simple ‘yeah.’ I gave him a simple goodbye and hung up, tossing my phone on the bed again. I squatted next to my suitcase and pulled out a pair of black dress pants, a gray chiffon t-shirt, and my bright red blazer. After I dried my hair and put on some makeup, I pulled on a pair of black pump wedges. I grabbed my notebook and my phone and headed to the conference room off to the right of the lobby of the hotel.

        Half way through the meeting, I could feel my phone vibrate, but I decided to ignore it. It wasn’t until they released us for a break that I checked my phone. There was a text message from Mikayla, a missed call and a voicemail from Calum. I started with Mikayla’s text message: “Holy crap I hate you not being here. Like, I know you have your own office and stuff now, but it’s completely different with you not here at all. Please come back to me. Creepy Gary is hitting on me again. S.O.S Love you!” My chest jumped with a silent laugh and I typed back “Ew, punch him, tell the boss it was self-defense (just kidding don’t do that, you’ll get fired and I can’t handle that.) Love you too!”

        My breathing became labored as I stared at the notification on my voicemail. My heart pounded in my chest and my ears as I put the phone to my ear to listen to the voicemail. “Emily,” He sounded like he had had one too many drinks, but still coherent enough to speak logically, “I guess you’re still in your meeting. Thank you for all of the groceries, and you cleaned the house.” His voice broke and he cleared his throat. “I – “ He paused, “Call me back.” He hung up and the voicemail ended. I looked around the room to see if anyone was looking at me and wiped a tear from my face. Before I got a chance to call Calum back, they called us back into the meeting.

        When I got back to my hotel room, the first thing I wanted to do was take my shoes off. After I tossed them to the side, I stood at the end of the bed and fell backwards, allowing myself to bounce against the mattress. I tapped on Mikayla’s contact and pressed the speaker to my ear, listening to the dial tone, until she answered, “Oh thank god you called me, Creepy Gary was talking to me and I was able to walk away because my phone was ringing. How’s the conference?” Her voice was cheery, it made the pain in my chest dissipate.

        I chuckled, “Glad I could save you. It’s alright, today was a meeting about what we are going to talk about and explore while we’re here. Although it was good information, the speaker is so monotone that I thought my head was actually going to explode.” My pointer finger and thumb rubbed the ridge above my eyebrows while Mikayla laughed.

        Mikayla cleared her throat, “Have you and Calum worked everything out?” Her voice was no longer cheery and bright, it turned serious and motherly. Never in the time that I’ve known her have I regretted telling her literally everything, but right now I do, only because it’s still an open wound.

        I swallowed hard, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. It stayed lodged in my throat as I shook my head against the bed. “No, I don’t know, Mikayla. What if he tells me it’s over and we’re done? I dropped everything for him. I have nowhere to go if this is it.” I licked my lips, keeping the tears at bay.

        Mikayla sighed, “Not that I’m saying this is the end, but if that ends up happening, which let me emphasize that I don’t think it will, you can always stay with me.” She paused and sighed again, “Have you tried to talk to him about everything that happened?”

        “No, he left me a voicemail while I was in the meeting and he sounded like he was a bit tipsy, so I’m not sure right now is the best time to talk to him.” I stopped rubbing my brow ridge and covered my face with my hand, letting my elbow fall to the side. Mikayla hummed, not in agreement, but in understanding. “Hey, I’m going to go grab some food and then I’m going to get some sleep, I’m exhausted. I’ll call you tomorrow. Avoid Creepy Gary at all costs, you hear me?” She laughed in response and said goodbye before we both hung up. I allowed my phone to fall on my chest, and closed my eyes. Even though I didn’t think tonight was the best night to talk to him, not calling him back was just going to feed the fire.

        The dial tone pierced my ear drums while I waited for Calum to pick up. When he did, there was loud music for a second and then it went completely silent before he sighed my name. “Sorry I didn’t call back,” I said in a monotone voice. “The meeting was longer than I thought it was going to be. What did you need?” He started rambling something, all of his words slurring together, making him hard to understand. I sat up and sat crisscrossed on the bed and tried to concentrate on what he was saying. Something about the food in the fridge and the yard being picked up. “Calum, you’re drunk and I can barely understand you.” He mumbled a few more things and then the call ended. “What the fuck was that?” I said to myself and tossed my phone onto the night stand. Leaving it there while I went to the restaurant in the lobby to grab some food.

        The entire trip resembled something of the first night. Meetings all day, every day, no time to really go out and see the city. The furthest I got to touring was going to the Red Lobster in Times Square for dinner on Friday night. Calum and I spent little time talking, and it was starting to drive me absolutely mad. My flight home leaves Monday night, and he flies out to their next destination on Monday morning. Whatever was keeping us from seeing each other was really starting to get on my last nerve.

Even though the office is closed on Sunday’s in LA, and most other places, we still had a meeting all day. After I was able to sit through the last meeting, the only thing I had to look forward to was getting to spend all day tomorrow getting ready to go home. For whatever reason, I didn’t feel like eating tonight, instead I went to the bar in the hotel. I was on my fourth long island iced tea and the alcohol was started to blur my thoughts. Blurring all of the ones except for the ones about Calum. Which, ironically, where the ones I was trying to blur. My fingers moved backwards in my hair, stopping half way so I could put the weight of my head in my hand. In a moment my phone was in my free hand, and I was staring at the picture of Calum and I still set as my background. My eyes closed, feeling the physical pain of not talking to him. My other hand dropped from my hair and to my phone as the alcohol dissolved my internal filter.

I sent the message without thinking, and my heart stopped after I read it to myself: “If you want to end our relationship, will you just do it? I don’t think my body or my heart can handle this much pain anymore.” I felt like an idiot for sending the message, but there’s no way to take it back. I started typing again, trying to back pedal. “I’m sorry I didn’t go and see you on tour. I fucked up, I keep thinking about how you told me I was selfish, and I fucking am. I’m so sorry, I know you hate me and probably don’t actually want to see me even if we do ever get the chance to see each other again, but just know I’m sorry. I can pack up all my things when I get home on tomorrow and be out of your life forever.” I sent the message and put my phone face down on the bar. My mouth found the straw and I finished the drink and asked for another one.

As I finished my fifth drink, I found the courage to look at my phone. I squinted when I saw a single text message from Calum. When I opened my phone, I held my breath as I realized it was a long message. As I exhaled, I started reading, “What? Emily. I don’t hate you, and I definitely don’t want to end our relationship. You are selfish, but It comes with being hurt. Yeah, I’m upset that you didn’t visit me and yeah, I’m mad that I haven’t seen you in two fucking months, but that does NOT mean we’re never going to see each other again. I know you’ve been through a lot of shit in the past, and so have I. Just because there’s a bit of a snag in our relationship doesn’t mean I don’t want to fight for it. I miss you so fucking bad. Baby, I’d wait ten years to see you again, if that’s what I’d have to do. Please don’t pack your things up, I never want you to leave.” I dropped my phone face down and held my breath to not cry in front of every person sitting in the bar. Before I broke, I asked for my check and bounced my leg to contain myself. I made it to the elevator but once the doors shut and I knew I was by myself, I broke down. Broke down to the point where I could barely stand. I squatted and put my face in my hands and tried to compose myself.

The elevator dinged and I stood up quickly, a head rush causing me to take a step back. As I hastily walked down the hallway, I pulled my hotel room key out of my pocket. The door swung open, a loud thud as it hit the wall. I threw my phone on the bed and watched it bounce hard enough to fall onto the floor. That’s where it stayed as I curled into a ball in the chair by the window and continued to cry the alcoholic buzz away.

The sun shining through the floor to ceiling windows behind me caused my back to heat up. People running through the airport towards their flight, while other people sat and waited for the flights to take off. I looked towards the agent stand while the gate agents shuffled to get everything ready to start loading the plane that was going to take me back to Los Angeles. My phone vibrated, a message from Mikayla expressing how happy she was that I’d be back at work in the morning. I switched over to my message thread with Calum and for the hundredth time, I read his message he sent me yesterday night. After the long message, there were a few good morning and good night messages, all from him. Maybe he knew that I didn’t know how to respond to him, even if he didn’t, I still appreciated the fact that he hadn’t given up. I glanced at the time and wondered if he was on his flight yet. Wanting to try to talk to him one more time before I got home, I put the phone to my ear as the call rang out. Multiple different options of what I could say to him ran through my mind as the call rang out. The call went to voicemail and I hung up. Nothing I wanted to say to him was voicemail appropriate. Just as I put my phone back in my pocket, they started boarding the flight.

It was late when I finally made it home, and it was weird to not be greeted by the little black and white dog who is the best company with Calum not here. Crystal had texted me earlier in the day letting me know that Calum had dropped him off there since he wasn’t sure what time I’d be getting home. I lugged my bags into the bedroom and dropped them on the bed. If I didn’t start to unpack now, I probably would never do it. As I opened my suitcase, I tossed all of my dirty clothes in the hamper in the corner of the room, then grabbed my toiletries and walked into the bathroom. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a sticky note on the bathroom mirror. Calum’s hand writing was scribbled across the note with the words “You’re beautiful” scrawled on it. After I dropped all of my thing in the sink, I grabbed the sticky note off the mirror and held it between my fingers, staring at it as if this is the only piece of him I had left. I held it to my chest as I walked out of the bathroom.

After I had set the sticky note down on my phone, I grabbed the hamper full of dirty clothes and walked down the hallway towards the laundry room. When I switched on the light, I found another sticky note sitting on the top of the washing machine. My heart fluttered as I peeled the note off to read it. “You’re amazing” scrawled on the note. My cheeks flushed and I set it to the side as I threw a load of laundry into the washing machine. Before I walked out, I grabbed the note then made my way back into the bedroom. I took a picture of the sticky notes and sent the picture to him with a message saying “Thank you, Calum. Hope you have a safe flight.” I dropped my phone onto the bed so I could finish getting ready for bed.

I crawled under the covers, after making sure the house was locked up, and grabbed my phone. A message from Calum waiting for me to read. My lips twitched into a smile as I unlocked my phone. “There’s more, hope you find them all. Just landed in London, it’s the morning here, and from what I’ve learned through my traveling is it’s night there. Good night, gorgeous. Text me when you wake up. Xx” My heart fluttered as I set my phone on the night stand and rolled over. As I placed my head on my pillow, Calum’s cologne suddenly filled my nose. Instinctually, I reached over and grabbed at the sheets. As the intoxicating scent filled my nose, I pulled myself onto his side of the bed, drowning myself in a pool of his scent. A smile stretching across my face as it lulled me to sleep.

The second my alarm went off I knew I should’ve taken today off to rest, but I needed every day I could get because I was going to visit Calum before he came home again. My hand searched for the alarm to shut it off and I sat up rubbing my tired eyes. Through squinted eyes, I reached over and grabbed my phone off the side table. My fingers lazily tapped a good morning message to Calum before I pushed myself off the bed, then stumbled my way into the bathroom. The reason I take showers in the morning is they wake me up, if I took showers at night, I probably would never function like a normal human. With that being said, this shower did absolutely nothing to wake me up.

The steam rolled out of the bathroom as I opened the door back into the bedroom. The sun was starting to come up and my head was starting to throb from the exhaustion. There was no way I could put more than ten minutes of thought into my outfit, so I pulled out a pair of black leggings, a black and white striped loose fitting t-shirt, a pair of white converse and a black blazer. Blazer’s always dress up any outfit, in my mind. I ran a brush through my hair, but let it hang so it could dry naturally, which would eventually lead to some completely uneven waves. The only amount of makeup I could bring myself to put on was some foundation, mascara, and a quick fill of my eyebrows.

After I grabbed my phone, I walked to the kitchen and my eyebrows narrowed seeing a sticky note stuck to the coffee maker, “You’re strong, just like this coffee (just press start).” I let out a chuckle and pulled the note off and pressed the start button. As the coffee brewed, I walked around the house to gather everything I needed to take back to work. Once I had everything gathered, I walked back into the kitchen and opened the cabinet where my travel mug had found its home when I wasn’t using it. On the travel mug there was another sticky note, my cheeks immediately flushing, “You are the definition of warmth (this mug keeps your coffee warm).” I chuckled at how cheesy the notes were getting, then set it with the one from the coffee maker. As I twist the cap onto my travel mug, I check the time and run to the front door to grab my bag. My bag sat on my shoulder heavily, and I flicked my hair out of my face noticing a sticky note on the door. I read it, but didn’t remove it from the door. “You’re going to do great things today.” At the end of the note was a heart, and my heart skipped a beat. I loved him so much, I just wish I had the chance to tell him.

************

Tag list: @notinthesameguey​ @viiirg0​ @thinkofmehlgh​ @another-lonely-heart​ @limer-encia​ @itsmytimetoodream​ @babyoria​ @treatallwithkindness​

[uno-reverse-fic]

Part 2 Chapter 3

You didn't wake up the next morning, in fact you never went to sleep. You tossed and turned all night lying wide awake in bed. When daylight finally poked it's way through the curtains, you turned over to check the clock. It was sill quite early, but Iida would probably be up by now so at least you'd have someone to talk to. You trudged downstairs and into the common area to find Iida, Yaoyorozu, Hagakure, and Shoji all up bright and early, despite the weekend.

"Ah Surō your awake! I'd expect nothing less from someone like you!" Iida praised, clearly not noticing that the bags under your eyes had grown darker throughout the night, almost as if they wanted to keep some of that inky black for themselves. Yaoyorozu on the other hand noticed your sluggish movements, and lack of sleep right away.

"Oh dear, did you sleep ok last night?" She voiced her concerns, and you didn't have the energy, or the heart, to be sarcastic, so you gave her a light shake of your head.

"I'll go make you some tea then! Maybe it'll help wake you up a bit!" She clasped her hands together and hurried off towards the kitchen with an energetic bounce in her step.

A few minutes later she came back, balancing a tray between her hands, with a few cups of tea and sugar. As the five of you conversed a few more of your classmates made their way to the common area. By late morning that same pair of crimson eyes was watching you from the shadows. You didn't pay any mind to it, in fact you hadn't even noticed Bakugo's watchful gaze. It was Sunday, so you'd have to go back to school tomorrow, that was something you were not looking forward too. Once again the day flew past and before you knew it, the afternoon had already come along.

"Hey Surō!" You heard Kirshima call from behind you, and you turned your head to face him.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go grab something to eat with Mina, Sero, Kaminari and myself?" He asked, you nodded weakly, still exhausted from the lack of sleep.

"Gimme a few minutes." You told him as you turned around to head back to your room.

"Phone? Check. Wallet? Check. Crocs? Check. Unhealthy amount of exhaustion? Check." You thought to yourself. Grabbing a bag for your phone and wallet, you headed back downstairs to join your friends.

If it hadn't been for Kirishima's positively infectious energy, you would've passed out on the sidewalk. You decided to get caffeinated tea with your meal, just to wake you up more, you really were struggling. While the five of you waited to place your orders, a conversation brewed. It started out quite normal, at least normal for a bunch of teenage dumbasses, but the topic soon diverged to you. You quickly dodged any questions they threw your way, but it was no use, they had set you up and cornered you.

"What's Bakugo's room look like!?" Mina whined,

"I mean as far as I could tell it was pretty average. I didn't get a good look, I was two inches tall for God's sake." You answered, but before you could catch your breath, Kaminari threw another question your way,

"What's it like being so short?!"

"BRO! DON'T BE RUDE!" Kirshima scolded, elbowing the Pikachu in the side.

"Whaaaaat? I wanna know!" He argued.

"Yea but you don't have to be so rude about it—"

"It sucks." You said firmly, cutting off whatever Kirshima was going to say next. You finally let your walls down, opening up to your friends about the past week. Only to rant though,

"I HATE it. I don't care how much someone pays me, I will never go through that again. That was 100 percent the worst week of my entire goddam life. I HATE being two inches tall, I HATE not having any say in what I want, I HATE people freaking kidnapping me, and most of all, I HATE that stupid asshole of a blonde. He is such a DICK I have never in all my life met someone who can get on my nerves more than that stupid asshole." You were gripping your glass of water so hard, you swear you heard a crack. Your friends stared at you in utter disbelief, in an instant you had gone from chill and tired, to angry and feral, and back again. The pure, raw, unbridled loathing in your voice had stunned the four of them at how fast it appeared.

"Wow you really do hate him don't you?" Mina said.

"OF COURSE I HATE HIM, HE PRACTICALLY STARVED ME TO DEATH! NOT TO MENTION HE WAS AN UTTER ASSHOLE TO ME THE ENTIRE TIME!" You screamed. Mina scooted a few inches away from you, and it did not go unnoticed, because you immediately calmed down again.

"Sorry, I really just HATE him ya know?" You sad to her, gritting your teeth at the mention of Bakugo.

"We understand, he is a bit of a jerk." Sero said, his arm draping nonchalantly over your shoulders. You gave him a small glare that said "A bit?!" but it quickly dropped back into the monotone expression you were wearing earlier. You sighed, giving up the rant for the time being, and as if on cue, the waitress walked over to take your orders. The rest of lunch went by with no more questions about your week, for fear of another outburst. You were too tired, and too occupied with your meal, to celebrate. The five of you walked back to the dorms together, conversing on the way there.

"I love the food there and all, but nothing can beat Lunch Rush's food. Ive seen the taste of heaven, and I cant go back." Sero commented.

"I'm in the same boat dude, I think we all are." Kaminari added. Mina stepped up next, hoping for a slight change of subject,

"Yea food is great and all, but I was wondering. Surō don't you usually eat a lot more at that place? You looked like you were holding back, whats up with that?" You gripped the plastic-coated styrofoam of your to-go box, and gave Mina a death glare,

"If you were listening earlier, then you would know that I was practically starved to death over the past week, you hollow skulled idiot." Mina went wide-eyed, clearly not expecting your insult or sarcastic tone.

"Well geez, you don't have to be so rude, I was just wondering." She said, avoiding eye contact with you. On the other side of you Kaminari nudged Sero, and leaned in the make a joke that definitely caught your ear,

"I think someone's attitude is rubbing off on Surō," he said.

"Do you have a death wish Pikachu?" You growled.

"Nononono! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" He screamed as you chased him down the sidewalk, tackling him the second he slowed down. You pinned him to the ground, and raised your fist in the air, ready to nail him in the face. You felt a pair of hands grab your wrist, and another pair wrapped around your other arm. You whipped around to see Kirishima and Mina prying you off Kaminari. You quickly stood up and ripped your arms away from them to regain your composure. Another death glare was shot in Kaminari's direction, and the five of you agreed not to say anything else on the matter. The rest of the walk back was silent.

You immediately went to your room to gather a few things, before heading to the bathroom to shower. You turned the water to a scalding hot temperature, hoping the steam it created would help clear your mind of unwanted thoughts. The attempt was entirely in vain however, once you stepped out of the girls bathroom you saw the one person that you'd been avoiding. Pale, blonde hair hung in his crimson eyes, which were locked onto you. For once you were the one giving the death glare, you immediately turned and walked the other way, without even so much as a nod in his direction. Storming off to your room, steam almost threatened to pour out of your ears. Meanwhile, Bakugo stared at you as you walked off, confusion littering his face.

"What's her deal?" He asked Kirshima.

"I dunno dude, but she hates your guts now so I'd stay away from her if I were you." He responded. Kaminari butted in next, a fake pouty expression was plastered to his face,

"She blew up in our faces when we mentioned it, she even attacked me!"

"Oh get over it." Mina said, smacking Kaminari playfully on the head.

"That doesn't really make sense. Just yesterday she was trying to pet my hair." Bakugo said, his confusion deepening.

"That was before you got back here right? Maybe she blames you for... ya know... her injuries?" Kirshima suggested. Bakugo's face went from confused to crest fallen, to his normal passive aggressive expression in a matter of seconds.

"She hates me because of what I did. Doesn't she." He thought, turning around and walking away. He he didn't want to cry, but the more he thought about it, the faster the tears welled up in his eyes. His walk turned into a sprint as he ran up to his dorm room. He shut and locked the door behind him, sliding down against it to the floor. The one person he could stand, the one person he trusted, the one person he'd opened up to. The one person he'd loved, he had pushed away. He' hurt you, he'd taken advantage of you, and you hated him for it. Tears streamed down his face,

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

"I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HER!" He screamed. He ran a hand through his hair, and leaned his head back against the door.

"It— its all my fault." He took a deep breath. No thoughts ran through his head, no tears flowed down his cheeks. It was silent. All except for the faint sound of voices down in the common area. Something felt off, and the more he thought about what it was, the more it dawned on him. The problem wasn't the slightest hint of voices, rather the absence of yours. He missed you telling him everything would be ok. He missed the feeling of your tiny body in his hands. He missed the way you laughed. He missed your stubbornness. He missed you. Now he would never have the chance to just talk to you, because he'd pushed you away. Just like he had done all his life.

You on the other hand were blissful, at least when Bakugo wasn't on your mind. You were so happy to be back, and you couldn't wait for the routine of normal life to start back up again. You ate dinner—still holding off on eating too much—without a single thought of Bakugo, probably because he wasn't there. You didn't see him the rest of the night, but as far as you were concerned, he deserved to wallow in his own dread. When you finally headed up to bed, the tiredness started kicking in, and you thought you might be able to sleep tonight. You were wrong, oh you were so wrong. Once again you laid wide awake in bed all night. But this time there was no tossing or turning, and especially no longing for something else. Your insomnia was entirely from your own stupid decision of drinking caffeinated tea before bed.

Your lack of sleep dragged into the next day, and you were perfectly fine with that, until you realized you had to go to school. You got up early to go grab breakfast, and of course thats when the caffeine started to wear off. You ran into Iida on your way down, who was equally shocked at your exhausted appearance and your timely manner.

"Good morni—"

"Don't talk to me until I have caffeine running through my veins." You cut him off, not wanting to engage in conversation before your morning coffee. You grabbed yourself a bowl, some cereal and milk, before pouring the cereal first because you aren't a psychopath. You sipped your coffee and ate breakfast, as you did this Iida decided to come sit next to you for a bit of early morning conversation. You gladly conversed with him, more awake, now that you had some coffee.

After a pleasantly normal conversation with the class president, you headed upstairs to finish getting ready for school. You buttoned up your shirt and slid your blazer, skirt, and socks on. You gathered up the books scattered across your room and shoved them into your backpack. Slipping on your shoes, and adjusting your tie, you turned around to check the time on your alarm clock. You had about half and hour before school officially stared, so you figured you could just chill out in the common area. However your assumptions were wrong, because as soon as you turned the corner your eyes locked onto Bakugo's slumped figure on the couch. Immediately your good mood was ruined. You tried your best to appear calm as you walked towards the other side of the room, your muscles tense with rage. You didn't notice the way he glanced at you as you strode past him.

You had started to calm down by the time you reached the classroom, only for the fire of animosity to be lit once again when Bakugo walked past you. Thankfully your friends were there to help calm your nerves once again with their usual banter. Suddenly the door slid open, and Aizawa walked through, his yellow sleeping bag was tucked under his arm,

"Alright class listen up because I'm only gonna say this once," He said, and immediately everyone turned their heads in attentiveness.

"I'm more tired than usual because I didn't get much sleep last night. You all have a free for the next few hours, use your time wisely. Wake me up at lunch." He unzipped his sleeping bag and climbed in, falling unconscious in a matter of seconds. The classroom burst into noise. A few students gathered at the back of the room to study and finish any homework they forgot about. However most of your classmates were talking and showing each other memes. Of course you joined in with the majority of your friends and engaged in conversation.

The morning blew past, without a single second of productivity used. Soon the lunch bell rang and Iida went to wake up your teacher. The hall was filled with other students making their way to the cafeteria. You joined in the crowd, thankful that you could get around by yourself again. The food was just as delicious as it always was, and it had satisfied your hunger perfectly. Kirshima's voice rang next to you, causing you to glance up from your food and remember you weren't alone.

"So I was wondering if you guys would like to go out this Saturday. Maybe go to the mall, or see a movie," He asked.

"The mall sounds good to me!" Mina replied.

"Yea, I don't think there are any movies out that looked too interesting." Sero said, and Kaminari nodded in agreement.

"That sounds fun, maybe we can get a few more people to come and have a class-wide day out," You suggested.

"Oh yea that's perfect!" Kaminari exclaimed.

"Alrighty its settled then, I can text the group chat," Mina said, whipping out her phone, which was decked in pink accessories and keychains. You felt your own phone vibrate in your pocket, signifying that the group chat received the message. A few more vibrations came afterwards, probably from people responding to Mina's text. You didn't point them out, instead continued eating and talking.

You were excused from the afternoon training, via Recovery Girl's request. Throughout the afternoon you caught up on homework that you had missed while your were... absent. After what felt like forever, the rest of your classmates poured into the room, exhausted from training. A few minutes later the bell rang and all 21 of you made your way back to the dorms. The rest of the day flew by quickly, filled with the normal afternoon shenanigans.

For the third time this week you trekked to the bathroom for a shower, soon after, heading up to your room to sleep. This time you did fall asleep, but it was light, and you kept waking up at the smallest noises. Just as the day before you woke up exhausted. The day went by slowly, the normal, boring routine finally falling into place. But although the day was slow, by the time you fell asleep I felt like it had blurred past. Another restless night followed the previous, and once again you woke up, drained of all energy. The week was already half over, and you assumed the second half would go smoothly and quickly, just like it used to. How wrong you were. Wednesday was going to be long, you could tell just by the way your movements seemed to slow down when you walked downstairs. The majority of the day went by smoothly and just as slowly as you expected, and for the most part smoothly. At least until you got back to the dorms after school.

Kirshima dragged you to his dorm room, expressing something about a movie night with the rest of your friends.

"Movie night? It's the middle of the week dude." You said.

"Yea I know, but you looked like you needed some cheering up, and Kaminari wanted to watch Shrek." He answered.

"Now that's a reason I can get behind!" You exclaimed.

"They'll be here in a minute I just texted them," You settled down in a beanbag chair over by his TV, trying your best not to recall the last time you'd been in his room. Kirishima began backing towards the door slowly, and you didn't notice until it was too late.

"NOW!" He yelled, before yanking the door open and slamming it behind him, leaving you confused for the next moment. A noise came from the closet, and it opened, your head snapped towards it, eyes wide with fear. Your expression quickly changed to one of betrayal, as Bakugo stepped out of Kirshima's messy closet.

"BACK OF BITCH!" You screamed at him, running to the door to open it, only to find that it was locked. Sero had taped it shut from the outside and you heard a few other voices, presumably the rest of your friends.

"KIRISHIMA EIJIROU, OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!" You yelled, Bakugo stood behind you, a bored expression on his face.

"I'm afraid I can't do that. You two have to make up before I let you out." He said, and you sighed knowing full-well that, when it came to his friends, his patients had no limits. You turned to Bakugo and growled,

"What do you want."

"I want to apologize. I was a complete asshole to you last week, and I'm..." He paused, trying to find the willpower to let his pride sink so he can mend something that had been shattered.

"I'm sorry." You stared at him, a blank expression plastered on your face.

"I hear your apology. However, I still hate you, and because of what you did," you gestured to the bruises littering your arms and legs,

"I can't forgive you."

"But, I helped you, I fed you, I looked after your helpless ass! I—"

"You also THREW ME INTO THE HALLWAY, AND LEFT ME TO DIE! AND YOU FED ME? MORE LIKE STARVED ME HALF TO DEATH!" He gritted his teeth, trying hard not to lash out at you. He'd caused you enough pain already, he drew in a deep breath before continuing,

"I know, and I will make it up to you somehow, I'm—" you cut him off again,

"Why the hell do you care about what I think?! As far as I know you don't give a damn about anyone else!"

"I— I can't answer that. I'm not sure why exactly, but—" he cut himself off and sighed. He knew exactly why he cared what you thought, he was in love, though he'd never admit it,

"I just want you to stop pretending to hate me. We both know it's fake, and I just want you to stop."

"LIKE HELL THIS IS FAKE! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID TO ME?! I CAN'T EVEN WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY WITHOUT GETTING WEIRD LOOKS!" You screamed, anger boiling inside your veins,

"I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME?! WELL GUESS WHAT, I DON'T CARE IF YOU DO! IN FACT, I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU! I DON'T CARE IF YOU DIE!" You threw his own words agains him, and it took every ounce of focus to not let himself overflow with anger, and heartache.

"Kirshima... open the door." He said through shaky breaths. You didn't notice, you didn't really care either.

"Are you sure bro?" He responded.

"Open. The. Door." He growled. You heard the sound of tape being peeled off the door frame, before the redhead opened the door and looked in cautiously. You shoved him out of the way and stormed off to your room, but not before giving them all a death glare and the middle finger.

You took a shower to try and blow off some steam, but it didn't quite work. You found yourself completely frustrated for the rest of the week, but you weren't completely mad at your friends. They only did it to help Bakugo apologize to you, even though the attempt was entirely in vain. You were exhausted by the time Friday came to a close, and with the week finally over you could look forward to the trip to the mall tomorrow. You closed your eyes and finally got a good night's rest for the first time in what felt like forever.

MASTERLIST

[krissykat420]

All the things I've needed to say

Hello, 

First of all I want to ask that you please bear with me and my words as I try my fucking hardest to slice my chest open with this paper and pour my heart out onto it at the same time. I've prayed for guidance and for you. 

I hate the words “I'm sorry” as they do nothing to convey if someone is sincerely and unconditionally sorry. Also, I've found myself using this phrase out of pure routine and avoidance....without any true feelings of sympathy or guilt. I've always been someone to refrain from recognizing and accepting my wrongs. My pride is high even if my self-esteem is low and I do agree that I display narcissistic traits. I often apologize to avoid dealing with an issue rather than honestly admitting my faults and accepting the shame guilt and remorse associated with them. I do have that ability I just choose to avoid it at times to feel like I am not to blame. I feel as if I am trying to explain someone who I have lived as and you have lived with....someone who you could so easily explain while I struggle to explain the nature of the girl staring back at me in the mirror. 

okay, I know that I have made enough jail references and it is becoming more of a distant experience instead of a recent challenge. However, I'm going to try to recall some of the nights I spent full of emotions with a bible in my lap and tears in my eyes trying to figure out how to make it in there and out here. I've always been codependent even though I claim independence and being forced to depend on myself and my God alone was what I needed to experience. I told myself regularly that jail was a necessity to my survival as God made it part of His plan for my life. I needed jail and I desperately needed to realize that I was not God and I was not able to decide the worth of others. It took me months to accept that I had made the decisions I had made and I had treated those who loved me most so fucking wrong. I still have a hard time believing that I was so cruel and cold. Feelings of pure shame and embarrassment sit at the bottom of my stomach every single day. I still try to mask these feelings by disregarding the severity of my actions and laughing at the story of it all. I am still learning how to cope outside of punishment and distance from those I hurt. I need to pray about this more and focus on the future rather than the damages of the past. 

I remember when things first began for us in every way. I remember hating you because you had a idgaf attitude that I actually envied. I remember the way you enjoyed life and focused on your happiness rather than meeting the needs of everyone else. Even down to sleeping with a damn ashtray because you do shit how you do it. I think that Ive always been attracted to you since I met you but different aspects have been highlighted over the years. Your personality and your mannerisms, your gestures, expressions, your behaviors all together attract me more than I could explain. I know that throughout our relationship arguments and attempts to change you were frequent as this happens with every relationship I have been in in the past. I am someone who likes to make projects out of people instead of finding a legit hobby to occupy my time and attention. I find myself so focused on avoiding my own issue and instead magnifying the “problems” I find within others. I hate that I do this because I know that I strive to be more open minded and accepting as a person all together. I find myself getting lost in the moment so often that I fail to realize patterns of my behaviors and the repeated consequences. I seriously have to create timelines in my head frequently to reflect on how insane my behaviors look. I want to stop this cycle so bad. I judge the person closest to me so much to avoid judging myself when that is who I need to be focused on instead. 

Anyways back to you, whenever I brought you to my house when you were avoiding my ex husband I did because I was uncomfortable with my choices and I wanted you to know what I was doing. I needed someone who cared to break that pipe and tell me I was fucking up and deserving of more. Its like someone who cuts their wrists but doesn't cover them up completely when going to school....so that its a call for help. I wanted you to care CJ. I know that I said that I purposely “got you addicted” but I lied to seem even more heartless than I was. I didn't have any premeditated thoughts of trying to get you addicted like I was however misery does love company and I was miserable inside and out. I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts and I wanted someone who loved me around to lessen the guilt and shame that I felt inside. As time passed I pushed those feelings back and focused on my ego alone. I treated you so badly because I was in love with myself and who I had become at that time. I knew that if anyone could destroy my ego then it was you so I attempted to destroy yours first. I manipulated, abused and took advantage of you in every way possible because it fueled my ego. I was not only on a high from drug use but a high from false power and control. I honestly think that I allowed the devil to enter my life in ways that I never have before. I have had a faith in God since I was younger as I prayed to Him with full realization for the first time in the passenger seat of my moms old Honda car in our drive way one night when I was about 12 years old. I've given my testimony in front of my home church when I was younger and I've rededicated my life more than once. I turned my back on God when I was in high school and found God again in rehab. I know that I need a closer relationship with Him today as I became closer to him in jail and have distanced myself again since I was released. I never want to allow myself to become so lost again. I never want to have a disregard for life like I did before......testing God, thinking I was God at times and seriously playing with nothing but fire. 

Even though I have not made every right decision since I am a lot more aware of how scared I am of myself and who I have been in the past. I am trying my absolute best to focus on the present and live in the moment in a positive way. However the stress the unknown future does affect me and my choices. I am trying to be the best me I can be today. I am also trying my hardest to give you the best of me as well. I know that I've disappointed you but part of me knows that I am again falling back on the cutting wrist example given earlier. I desire affection and attention and I want that from you. I also need direction and discipline as I have lacked so much In the past but I also want that from you. I'm still clearly struggling with self discipline, self love (without drugs), and being content with myself. 

I know that no amount of words could ever compare to action and time to show that I am sincerely, honestly and completely dedicated to our happiness. I hope that I've given you some insight into the craziness of my mind. 

I think of our family, our happiness and the future I want for us so badly. I also feel so undeserving of this yet I know everyone deserves the best. CJ you are my best and I just want to be your best too. I promise I will die trying for not only you but my daughter as well. 

Lost story short, I'll die sorry for who I've been and I'll be forever burying that part of my past.

[hoyoungy]

On-Air | Vernon/Hansol (III)

genre: fluff, comedy, slight angst, college au | vernon x radio personality!reader summary: under the pseudonym Honey, you are the host of the most popular radio show in the city called Honey Time Radio where you give advice about relationships, school, and life in general. when it comes to your own love-life, however, you don’t have the best luck, and you don’t even follow your own advice! so what happens when you get a call from a listener who’s asking you advice on how to get to your heart? word count: 2702 a/n: i get so carried away with the dialogue LOL. hope you all are enjoying it so far! warnings include swearing & that it’s a dialogue-heavy fic. as seen on my ao3

part ii, iv

“SOOO ~” Wonwoo sang loudly as he plopped down next to you in the lecture hall. “How was your study date yesterday ~?”

You were slumped in your seat at your 10:00 AM, hoodie covering your entire face as you tried to nap for five minutes in between lectures. But no, of course Wonwoo had to ruin your peace and quiet.

“It wasn’t a date,” you groaned. “And oh, my God, you were right, he’s fucking hopeless.”

“Jeez, how long did you guys stay up?”

“You know that 24-hour cafe at the corner by the frozen yogurt place? We were there ’til like, 3:00 AM.”

“What, why!?”

“His second midterm is next week and he knows literally nothing from this unit, so we had to start from the beginning. But he’s really bad at staying focused, so we only covered one chapter!” You threw your head back and pulled on your hoodie strings to hide your face. “I’m so tired.”

“You never stay up that late with me to study,” Wonwoo pouted.

“Shut up, your GPA is a 3.89…”

“It’s not a 4.0, though,” he noted. “Did he ask you to study with him again tonight?”

“Not that I can remember. Last night was a blur and it’s still too early for me to think properly.”

“Did you guys kiss?”

“No!” you exclaimed, giving Wonwoo an incredulous look. “Jeez, isn’t it a bit early for him to be kissing me?”

“Hansol’s a wildcard, so I have no idea what he could be up to.”

“You and me both,” you groaned.

The lecture went on as usual, with you trying to follow the powerpoint slides on one half of your laptop screen while at the same time writing your script for tonights show on the other half. After seeing how stressed Hansol was about his exam last night, tonight you wanted to highlight how to tackle self-care during midterms week. Wonwoo spent his time scrolling through his phone. You hated that he didn’t need to put in much effort to get such good grades.

A message popped up on your screen and the ringtone echoed throughout the room. The professor stopped momentarily and looked in your direction, with the rest of your classmates following suit.

“Please silence your devices.”

“Sorry…” you said. Wonwoo leaned over and peaked at your laptop screen.

’Good morning!’ Hansol messaged you. ’Did you sleep well?’

“Tch,” Wonwoo scoffed next to you. “Are you going to tell him you regret staying up with him so late?”

“No. At least not like that, that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?”

“I mean, it’s the truth.”

“… Why do girls like you?”

“C’mon, _____,” he rolled his eyes. “Look at me.”

“Ugh.”

’Good morning,’ you typed back. ’I did, surprisingly.’

’What are you up to right now?’

’In my second lecture today. How about you?’

’So you had a 9AM!? Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have asked you to stay out with me so late,’ he said, sending several sad emojis.

’Don’t worry about it! I’d much rather stay up with you and help you study than sleep.’ You rubbed the bridge of your nose as you reread your message. You sounded like such a dork.

’Wow, what an honor ~’ he teased. ’That’s sweet of you. But really, thanks so much again. I feel terrible, you must be exhausted. Can I buy you lunch today?’

“Say yes!” Wonwoo whispered. “Say yes, say yes!”

“No way, I-I can’t do it.”

“What, why!?”

“He’s moving way too fast and getting too comfortable too quicky. I’m gonna fuck it up soon, I can feel it.”

“You can’t always assume that, that’s what makes you so bad at relationships!”

“I know, but I just… I just need more time. I need to move at a slower pace so I can think things through.”

Wonwoo sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat. “Whatever you say. What are you gonna tell him?”

’That’s nice of you, but I can’t today. Wonwoo and I have to plan for tonight’s show.’ At least you weren’t completely lying - you would always spend your lunch time with Wonwoo planning out the show.

’Oh, with Honey?’

You raised a brow at his message. Why would he ask about Honey? ’No, she usually doesn’t come to our meetings. It’s just us two.’

’Oh,’ was all he sent in on message bubble.

“What are you doing!?” Wonwoo hissed. “Are you trying to make him jealous!?”

“What? No, why?”

“Well, it kinda looks like you are, and I think it worked.”

“Does it really!? Shit…”

’Maybe next time, then. Have fun,’ he sent you.

“Shit!”

“You weren’t kidding when you said you were going to fuck it up soon, huh?”

“Well, yeah, do you even know me!?” you sighed. “What do I do!?”

“Ask to reschedule. But you have to be the one to set the date. Say you want to eat lunch tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow!? That’s still pretty soon -”

“For fuck’s sake, _____, just do it.”

“Ok ok, jeez,” you muttered. “You should be Honey for one day.”

“Fuck no, I’ll only be Honey for you,” he winked.

’Would you like to get lunch tomorrow instead?’ you asked.

And almost immediately, he replied, ’I’d love to.’

“Happy now?”

“I think you just made his day,” Wonwoo teased.

“And we’re back!” you said into your mic. “You’re here listening to Honey Time Radio. As always, thanks Dj Wonwoo for, uh, you know, mixing them beats.”

“Please never say that again,” he dead panned.

“You told me to say that!” you scolded. “Anyways, on the line right now is a caller named Seungcheol who has fulfilled his major requirements the past three years and now is stuck between completing his major and being miserable or starting all over and being happy. Caller number seven, what do you think?”

“I think he should just graduate with the same major,” they said. “He’s spent so much time and not to mention money here, why would he want that to go to waste!?”

“That’s very true, tuition ain’t cheap here,” you sighed, flashes of your student loans appearing in your mind. “Caller number fourteen, how about you?”

“No way, he shouldn’t spend the rest of his life doing what he hates! I think he should start over, no matter how much time or money it takes. A few more years in college will be worth being happy for the rest of his life.”

“Quite optimistic of you! Caller number twenty?”

“Don’t do it, bro, you’ll spend the rest of your life in debt! Trust me…”

“Ah, the hard truth. At least someone said it. Thanks for your input, everyone. Seungcheol, I think you should do what you really want to do if you think you can handle the backlash from it,” you said. “For example, make sure your parents know, or plan out how you’re going to pay for the extra years, you know, all that loan shit.”

“Telling my parents is the scariest part,” he told you. “Any tips on that?”

“Prepare for the worst is all I can tell you. Prepare to get yelled at and for them to not understand. Also choose your words wisely, ‘cuz you know how parents can be when you try to explain something for the tenth time, and they’re like, ’don’t give me that attitude, young man!!!!’”

“I definitely will. Thank you, Honey, you really know how to ease the mind.”

“Aw, I try,” you said, smiling smugly. “Thanks for calling, Seungcheol. I know something like this can be really stressful during midterms week, which leads us to our next topic. Honey Time Radio would like to wish everyone a healthy week of studying, since midterms are next week. Study with a couple friends if you can, because studying alone can be demotivating and lonely. Use apps that block all of your social media for a couple of hours as you study. And rremind yourself that it’s ok to take as many breaks as you need. But most importantly, remember that no amount of studying could make up for skipping meals and skipping sleep. I’m totally guilty of breaking that rule every semester, but I’ve gotten better! Your guys’ health is more important than one midterm grade, so please, everyone take care of yourselves.

“We’ll be taking our last call for this evening. Hello, caller number twenty-two, what can I do for you ~?” you sang.

“Hey, Honey. It’s, uh, me again. Vernon.”

You nearly choke on your water as you hear Hansol’s voice. You gave Wonwoo a brief glance of panic and he just shrugged. What could he possibly be calling back about!?

“Oh! H-Hey, Vernon!” you said shakily. “Nice to hear from you again! What’s up…?”

“I called again because I need someone to tell me that I’m overthinking things.”

“What are you overthinking?”

“So I did what you said yesterday and asked her to study and hangout and she said yes.”

“Hey ~ congrats!” you commented awkwardly. “How did it go?”

“I think it went amazing! I’ve never had so much fun studying before,” he chuckled. You couldn’t hold back your growing smile - Hansol seemed so sweet. “We stayed up until 3:00 AM and just talked during our study breaks. I feel so… myself around her.”

“What’s the problem then?”

“I asked to grab lunch today because I felt bad she had to stay up so late and wake up for an early lecture. But then she said no, because…” he paused.

Your eyes shifted over to Wonwoo, who was innocently listening to Hansol rant. He shot you a guilty smile knowing that the reason Hansol was calling you was because of your friendship with him.

“She said no because she already had plans with this other guy.”

You tried your best to hold back a loud groan as Wonwoo snorted. You couldn’t believe that Hansol was jealous because of Wonwoo.

“What’s her relationship with this guy?”

“I don’t know! She said they were just, um, working on a project together, but they’re literally together all the time.”

“What!?” you screeched accidentally. That was such a lie, you weren’t always with Wonwoo! Just… very frequently… “I-I mean, I can kind of see why you’re upset…”

“So am I just overthinking things or should I be more straightforward with her and beat the other guy to the punch?”

“No! Definitely don’t do that!”

“Really? Why not?”

“U-Uh, she might be overwhelmed with your bluntness or she’s not ready to jump into something so quickly. You guys have only hung out once.”

“So I’m just crazy, huh?” Hansol asked lightly.

“A little bit. Did she at least reschedule lunch?”

“Yeah, for tomorrow.”

“Oh, Vernon ~ you have nothing to worry about yet,” you reassured. “I promise you.”

“Really?”

“Really. Her rescheduling means that she didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to get lunch with you. She obviously enjoyed being with you last night,” you blushed. “However, if she keeps rescheduling, that’s when you should worry.”

“I was just starting to feel sane again until that last part.”

“Sorry, friend! Just making sure you’re prepared for the worst.”

“What about the other guy? Should I be worried about him?”

You see Wonwoo gag from the corner of your eye. “Maybe find out for yourself what their relationship is like first before you jump to any conclusions.”

“Jumping to conclusions is what I do best.”

“You and me both…” you muttered. “I wish you the best of luck, Vernon. Call back again if you need more help.”

“You’re the best, as usual.”

“Thanks, I know ~” you said, hanging up on Hansol. “And that about wraps up our show for tonight, everyone! Thanks again for listening and remember to stay safe out there. Honey Time Radio wishes you all a good night. This is Honey signing off.”

“’She obviously enjoyed being with you last night ~’” Wonwoo mocked, making kissing noises. “So gross.”

“Shut up, so what if I did?”

“What do you even think about him? Do you like him?”

“I think he’s very sweet,” you smiled. “And funny, and charming, and wow, he’s really cute…”

“Then what’s holding you back!? And don’t tell me any of that ’I’m gonna fuck it up’ nonsense or ’he’s only using me for Honey’ bullshit because there’s no way he is if he’s calling about you!”

“I mean, you heard him yesterday! He’s been around, you know? I don’t want to be another one of his collection of flings or part of his hook-up bingo.”

“He wears condoms! At least I hope, I mean, I’ve seen his room and the costco-sized box he keeps.” Your face twisted in disgust as you could imagine why he needed such a box of that, uh, magnitude. “You need to cut him some slack.”

“I’m damaged, ok,” you pouted.

“I know, and that’s why I’m trying to help you. I really don’t know how you’re going to deal with giving Hansol advice on how to win your heart. Isn’t that, like, conflict of interest, or something?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

“Well, good luck with that.”

“Thanks, I definitely need it.”

“Are you going home now?”

“Um,” you paused. You had something else in mind you wanted to do. “No. I think I’m going to ask Hansol what he’s up to.”

“Miss me already?” Hansol teased as you took a sit in front of him in the library.

“Of course. Not like I saw you yesterday, or anything.”

“How was the show? I was only able to listen to the first half,” he lied.

“It was good - someone from yesterday called back again today, which was weird.” You saw him shift uncomfrotably in his chair. “But his situation was really cute. I hope he calls back again.”

“O-Oh yeah, why’s that?”

“I don’t know, I really want to listen to how it turns out. I hope it works out for them in the end.”

“Yeah… Me too.” Hansol gave you a shy smile, one that was completely different than his usual smirk. You could feel the blush creeping up on your face. “Can I walk you home?”

“Y-Yeah,” you stuttered. “That’d be great.”

The first few minutes in your way home were spent in awkward silence. It seemed like he was hesitating to ask you something - probably involving Wonwoo. It was cute how jealous he was of him that you almost wanted tease him about it.

“So,” he started. “How was planning with Wonwoo?”

Bingo. “Good, although I did most of the planning, as usual. Wonwoo just kind of sat there and took care of all the music stuff.”

“Do you two hang out a lot?”

“Other than the weekends, I can’t remember a day where I haven’t seen him,” you said, smiling to yourself. Wonwoo was truly a great friend, and you’d have to thank him more for it.

“Oh,” Hansol said awkwardly.

“Yeah. He’s a great friend,” you emphasized.

“Have you guys ever tried dating before? You seem like a good match for each other…”

“Ugh, Wonwoo’s an insufferable, lazy slob. He’s like the annoying twin brother I’ve always wanted.”

“Really? That’s it?” he asked, eyes wide with hope.

“Are you jealous of him?” you teased, pulling on his hoodie strings again.

“Honestly? A little bit,” he said, looking down in embarrassment. “I was upset that you declined my offer for lunch today.”

“At least I rescheduled!”

“Yeah, so that made up for it.” Hansol wrapped his hand around the one that held onto his hoodie strings again, just like last night. But this time, you didn’t pull away. Slowly, he laced his fingers between yours and led you home, melting away any insecurities you had about him at that moment.

“You’re still paying though, right?” you asked.

“Of course.”

[shirleylawson]

R&R in Scotland

May 2014

I am telling you! You could not make this shit up!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am convinced I am jinxed. Someone is stabbing a wee voodoo doll with my face on it, and the bastard is not perturbed even though I keep fighting him/her and pretending like it’s water off a ducks back, with my, "bring it on" jinx fairy attitude! And still my jinx keeps trying to break me. But it’s a weird kind of jinxed because I personally feel extremely lucky and blessed, even though the jinx still keeps throwing me shit.

My latest jinxed story is this week I’ve had in Scotland. One week today I’ve been here. I so badly needed a little ME time and to decompress. Scotland/home seemed like the answer but I can't say it' been therapeutic.

I was only here a few days when I woke up with stabbing pains in my chest and an ambulance was called by my Lesley, and the next thing I knew I was lying in the Emergency room in my pink, fluffy, panther onesie (well Lesleys onesie, but it wants to be mine)! I could see on the sphyg that my blood pressure was 250/110 , geezo I thought, didn’t know numbers went that high on these machines! Digital age eh? A lovely, lovely young 1st year resident doctor boy child, who had really just gone into third year at school surely, gave me an IV of morphine and valium that buzzed and whooshed it’s lovely, lovely LOVELY way to my limbs and head within one single minute. Onsie on, hands behind my head, laying back, sun shinning outside and right onto my little stretcher bed, life felt pretty good for about 20 minutes, for the first time in too long to remember. Lesley even managed to get an unexpected day off as ‘’carer'’ to her friend, ‘’NO SHE DOESN’T HAVE ANYONE ELSE TO GO WITH HER, IT’S ME, ONLY ME!!!’’, I heard her scream to her boss down the phone as I was wheeled passed by the paramedics to the ambulance! By the way, when you hear the mee maw mee maw of an ambulance in the distance, and you know it's coming for you, it's the freakiest shit! That was a first for me, it wasn't on my bucket list, but still, it was a first which is always a positive. But I’m lying there, in the emergency room, thinking, in my comfy onesie, where will we go for lunch I wonder. See Mr. Jinx? I really don’t care most of the time, you’re wasting all your good tricks on me really! Things don’t freak me out that much, I’ve pretty much done that seen most of it before so nope, the whole chest pain, ambulance (sorry to tell you but I actually loved the ambulance ride, I was so pleased as I’ve never ridden in one before and always wanted to see the inside), the whole taken to hospital thing was nothing really. I’ve been in more hospitals as a nurse AND as a patient than Mr. Jinxy’s had hot dinners, so he’ll need to try harder. All well, and by the next day I’m lying in Lesleys bright yellow bikini lapping up the ‘’normal’’ sun you get out of Dubai in her garden. A couple of days up North will sort me, get out of the city! So off I go…

No stress, no worries, no pain, no work, no editing, no clients, no husband and no kids…nothing! (all references are not in order of importance!) I felt quite chirpy on my drive up! I was awwwwing and ooooohhhing in all the right places at the beautiful scenery, window open, sun on my face, music on, out the car a couple of times to take pics, all well - not even getting upset that there was road works and I was jammed for an hour, nothing was a bother.  I could smell Loch Lomand…I was a bit euphoric actually! The last 2 hours of the 4 hour journey, my euphoria was taking over by pain in my ankles. I was finding it difficult to use the gas and clutch pedals continuously for 4 hours because of my RA and my ankles and shins were complaining! By the time I swung round that bend that takes you into Oban, and that view that catches your breath from the top of your hill, wee fishing village, typically Scottish with it’s white houses and flowered gardens, it wasn't the view that was catching my breath... it was the agony of my ankles!! I found a place to stay pretty quickly and when I took my socks off in my room, it confirmed my suspicion. Red balloon legs and feet! I thought I’ll go have a shower, get the journey off my skin, take my meds and get into bed. On my drive up, I had stopped at a garage for petrol and also bought some cute little pink lady shaving razors, quite exited me, since I’d been here a week and had about 2 weeks of gorilla legs! So shower and a de fuzzing was waiting. When I get these flares, I get hundreds of little red, what look to me like blood blisters, on my skin wherever the flare is happening, in this instance, the legs. They disappear after the flare goes. You can probably guess what happened next! I’m drying myself outside the shower, in the guest houses fluffy, big, white bath towel and I notice my legs (and big fluffy white towel) were covered in blood! I’ve only gone and forgot about my little red occasional guests and shaved all their heads off!!! Blood!? Whatever they are, these blistery things, they are connected to a direct internal blood vessel system for sure, because they would…not….stop…BLEEDING!  I get myself plugged up with around 100 wee bits of toilet paper stuck to my legs to stop the bleeding. You know, like the kind you see on mens faces after they’ve shaved sometimes? Well, same as them, but only 98 more! I was not gonna be stopped, onwards with my me time, I’m going out for fish and chips!!!!!

Fish and chips didn't prove to be such a good idea either as it turned out. Spotted a lovely wee bench, right on the sea front, all to myself with a view of little old fishing boats and the cry of seagulls, perfect. I'm eating away (great fish and chips I have to say) and I make the first fatal mistake of throwing a bit of fish out on the pebbled shore for the gulls. There's an instant swarm (or should I say flock) of seagulls, screaming and fighting over this piece of fish. Once it was eaten by the most definite gang master, as he was the size of a dog, he looked over at me and I swear he caught my gaze for at least 10 terrifying seconds. He had found the food source! That was the end of it all. I was dive bombed and swooped upon, well my box of chips, which was sitting on my lap was swooped upon. I tried to swipe them away by shouting a shoo shoo kind of chant noise and trying to act as if a swarm of birds attacking me wasn't bothering me as I was now entertaining the entire pub across the road who were all enjoying the lovely evening outside, all watching and pointing at me! I made a quick decision and threw the box down and bolted. Well bolted in my hobble kind of way at the moment, which I'm sure entertained the onlookers even more. An old lady passed me and disapprovingly shook her head at me, ''ohhhh you should't have done that!'' she said. I looked around and every seagull that has ever visited, stayed or immigrated to Oban was in the 4 foot space in front of my bench, fighting and squealing, a mass of feathers and beaks. I decided to give up in this particular day and head back to the guest house to watch the football.

At this point in a flare, I would normally sigh and think well that’s the next 4-5 days gone then. Cancel clients, prepare myself to be horizontal for at least a few days, and not in the horizontal good way, and generally prepare to disappear till it was over (except Facebook of course) Nope, I was there to de stress, me time, that’s what I was told I needed, some ME time, so I wasn’t going to let a flare get in my way. Cutting a very long story short, not a good move, going out, even for fish and chips and seagull gladiator games, didn't improve my flare. To cut another long story short I hobbled my way up to the doctors surgery first thing in the morning, hoping they would take me before three weeks on Wednesday and perchance even today? My luck was in. Jinx was teasing me. Half an hour later I’m having a 4 inch needle of cortisone injected into my ankles and sent away with a 5 days supply of steroids, bliss!  I hobbled back to my guest house at twice the speed of the first time. Still slower than the 80 year old couple I was chatting with along the way, but still, it was progress. I hobble past my guest house and head for the car park as my ticket expired one hour before. Is there any point on telling you what was on my car? £60 fine! Exceeding the paid amount of time parked. No, no i don’t care I tell myself, my flare feels so much better, I might even be able to drive tomorrow and leave, not getting upset, it's  only money (shit) and I feel better which is more important. I go to the machine and pay enough to last till 9am the next morning. I sit in the passenger seat, door open and write the nice traffic warden person a note. I say, please don’t give me another ticket if i don’t manage down before 9am. The doctor at the surgery can confirm I’m not able to walk well at the moment due to an illness, here is my phone number, I am staying at a guest home 5 minutes away. Nice note. Should do the trick. I stick the note to the inside of the passenger window and a gust of wind blows the newly bought ticket out of my hand. I tried to grab it but landed on my knees from the car door. Kneeling on all fours, head bend back watching the ticket swirl around in the wind was the first time I thought, it really is getting to be a bit much this jinx business! I don’t have anymore change. I have a £5 note. I head off down the street to find a shop to get change. I pass a young mother sitting in her garden bench on her ipad, trying to ignore the constant moaning and screaming of her three small children playing around her. I really felt sad thinking how she’ll regret that when they leave home, and wished she had spent every second looking at their wee faces instead of an iPad. Then I realise I sound like an old granny and stopped that train of thought. First shop I pass is Farm Foods (a frozen food store) and I decide an ice lolly would be just the thing. Of course it’s a whole sale, bulk buying freezer place, so I can’t buy ONE ice lolly. I buy a box of 6 and give 5 to the woman on the bench for her kids as I pass her again. Kids are delighted!

New ticket on the car, the note is there too, I’m back in my room, legs elevated, medicated up, just watched the Italy game (world cup) and wondering what tomorrow will bring.

Start of a new week, my second week in Scotland starts tomorrow.

But all said and done, I must ask the new tenants in Rome if they threw away the dish of frozen water in the freezer with the two frozen names written on pieces of paper in it? I don’t think I told them about it and explained what it was. I told the last renters and I know it was there last summer coz I saw it, so they hadn’t touched it in 3 years. I think the new renters have thrown it away. Those two names I had in the freezer will have escaped! My spell will be broken. They will have put their jinx back on me… I’m sure of it! Although that wouldn’t explain all the jinx’s when they were in the freezer these past three years now would it? Hmmmm I don’t think this white witch spell works actually now that I think about it.

My phone has just broken, screens just gone black. I can still hear it ring or sms’s come in, but I can’t reply or answer as it’s just black. Shame I sold that new phone last week. :(

The end

[tayegi]

im crying not only bc of your amazing writing, but bc i was scrolling thru my dashboard and i saw you answering all these asks about new rules and i’m so dump thinking that you set up new rules or sthg, i didn’t understand it so i read all those asks and fucking spoiled myself kmp, but on another note yOU FUCKING ROCK OMG NEW RULES IS SO AMAZING I LOVE IT 💘💘💘

Anonymous said:I'M LOVING NEW RULES SO MUCH just wanted to show my support. i love your writing in general don't get me wrong but new rules is messing with my heart and it's amazing

Anonymous said:Hi! I just read both parts for "New Rules" and I loved them! If this goes in the same direction as Dua Lipa sings (I guess it will) it sounds like it'll be very interesting. I love how everyone in the story is human, not just good or bad, you know? 90% of fics would've made Mijoo the stereotypical barbie bitch, but you didn't and I was pleasantly surprised! I also feel very identified with the OC. I really want her to open up and discover who JK really is, whoever that is. Keep up the good work!

jabaelashit said:Hey! i already wrote you a message on one of your posts but i just wanted to say that i am feeling so skabakks right now, I can't stop thinking about new rules and i'm torn between crying or crying but w angsty. I hope oc learns her worth and can understand she's just as amazing as mijoo, even better if we're talking about morals but oh well people fuck up:( I'm glad she forgave her but I hope she distances from her cause that gurl ain't having the same respect for the friendship as oc/1

jabaelashit said:and i also hope she gets to tell jimin her feelings not to like make him break stuff w mijoo, but to let him know she hadnt seen the note and to release some pressure and feelings cause oc bottles up so much and i just want to go and hug her and don't leave her until she understands shes fucking badass and cool and that the way she thinks is 👏👏👏 lu you've made me feel such a diverse amount of emotions i don't know what to do w myself anymore, your writing is amazing! love love loove you❣/2

Anonymous said:Hey!!:) idk if this is the right place to send compliments cause im really new to tumblr but THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR FICS. Tbh I'd buy it if you published a physical compilation;)

Anonymous said:Wow for the longest time I was searching your old username; idek why cause I’ve known you changed your username and have been keeping up to date with you LMAO this is what being sick and delirious does to me. ANYWAYS! Hope you’re not too down with the crazy anons your story is great and I’m thankful for the dynamic characterizations you create! It makes it so much more interesting cause you create many characters with depth!!

Anonymous said:Can I please just have your writing talent? The OC is just so real, and that moment when she's deciding what to do with Mijoo, and what she actually says at the end.... I can't actually put my thoughts into words. I'm legit stunned by the sheer amount of emotions I felt reading the second chapter. I genuinely adore the banter between JK and OC, I personally prefer people to be more direct with what they want, so I already appreciate them, but also Jimin's convo with OC... (1/2)

Anonymous said:Jimin's convo with OC... Idk about these other anons going off on Mijoo, I was more thinking 'why didn't Jimin chase the note?' and then he would have had his answer then and there. But that might have just been me... And also, thinking back to it now, when JK said 'I need you' and OC repeated it back to him like super softly, like she was surprised oh god, okay, my heart is breaking even more for OC now, idk if I'm reading too much into it. I love you Lu, I hope you're well, and happy! (2/2)

Anonymous said:I love your fics so much!! The sass is real esp with jungkook 😂

Anonymous said:Anyways do ya thang hunny ✨ Keep wrecking me with your writings 💞✨💞✨💞✨💞✨💞✨😩

Anonymous said:Read part 1 of New Rules and was like yeah thisll be fun, I'll have a great time. Then I read part 2 and ended up shedding some real tears at the end?!?! LU WHAT THE...... But really though its so nice to read a fic where the OC values friendship. The idea that its always girls against girls makes me sad.. we should be sticking together!!

Anonymous said:so... surprise surprise, dis gon be about new rules 😂 but I really wanted to thank you for adding so much of the oc's inner dialogue, and making her such a character in the first place. a lot of fics do not portray ocs with more defeatist attitudes, but yours does and I was glad, because I could finally relate to a fic :) also, coming back to the inner dialogue thing, it was so in depth that i could really feel what the oc was feeling, what she was going through. it was amazing ❤️ thank you!

Anonymous said:Man this is one hell of a good fic i’m highly anticipating the next chapter!!! Even though it seems like traditional frat fuckboy x ‘i hate frat bois but ye i’d fuck u’ type of girl it still is in a way a little different i just can’t quite catch how but nonetheless it’s amazing!!! Keep up the good work babe

oceanjoon said:ok so ur newest fic new rules literally is so real n relatable !! like honestly i understand seeking physical comfort in people u dont care about wen u r feeling down/insecure to validate urself n it just rlly hit home

kyarybunny said:Lu. At this point I have so many compliments to give you I can't really form it all properly. But I really am enjoying New Rules and this plot you're breathing life into! It's a different facet of your writing and I love how you can interpret every character's actions in a few different ways. Thank you for continuing to write and I hope you enjoy writing as much as we do reading/analyzing.

Anonymous said:Istg when I read the new chapter of New Rules I clenched my fist like that Arthur meme when it came up to the part about mijoo and the note. Girl got me heated lol. As usual, your works do not disappoint! I love your wittiness and how it shines in your writing. The remarks and dialogue in all of your series really proves your talent. You’re truly a gem amongst fanfic writers 💕☺️📢

Anonymous said:i was happily reblogging a few things on my dash and ch1 of new rules just came and i started reading WHERE THE FUCK DID I GET MY ASS INTO???!!!???!?! IT'S FUCKING AMAZING i don't know why i didn't start reading before. don't you ever dare stop writting, you're such a good writter and i enjoy your works very very much

Anonymous said:OC DESERVES HAPINESS JUST AS MUCH AS MIJOO. OC SHOULDVE PUT HERSELF AND HER HAPPINESS BEFORE HER FRIEND'S BECAUSE SHE IS TOO GOOD FOR ALL OF THEM DJFJFJ i hope one day jimin finds out about her feelings :(

Anonymous said:new rules just keeps getting better and better 😻😻

Anonymous said:Wow.. Okay.. I do believe chapter 2 of New Rules has officially ruined me. My heart was actually beating so fast through out the whole chapter, and it's still racing now too. I've thought this multiple times while reading your fics, but you're writing really is incredible. Your characters and the way you describe their emotions is so unbelievably relatable that the reader can't help but be sucked in. I always find myself becoming invested in your characters! Thank you for all the adventures!

Anonymous said:I felt so bad for the OC this chapter ;.; If I were in her position, I'd probably do the same since causing a scene is yes, immature and not worth the energy. But, if i could be a character in New Rules I'd probably be the other best friend who'll be like "guurl, confront her ass it isnt an excuse just because she's your friend." All in all I see the OC as the kind of person who'll go out of their way to care for someone to the point of disregarding their own feelings, which is unhealthy :( (1)

Anonymous said:(2) but thats what makes her such a relatable character. I really, really like that in your OCs. This is probably the second OC i emotionally relate to, first is Copper Girl. But yeah I'm just distracting myself from assignments lol this series is amazing and just you are amazing Lu!!!! ily!!!!! PS. Jungkook is still agsjshskll he's cocky but with OC he's quite vulnerable. I wonder why? Is it just a front or does he have other intentions?

Anonymous said:alternative ending to new rules: mijoo and mc are over their respective boys, does not bother to get into any messy scenarios like that ever again, love each other and support each other and is forever the friendship that everyone envies anD I HATE THIS SITUATION SO MUCH GODDAMMIT LU!!! UR REALLY TRYING TO TEAR MY HEART APART!!

marchxseptember said:OH MY GOD CHAPTER TWO IS UP. I HAD A FEELING SO I HAD TO CHCK UR ACC AND I WAS RIGHT. BRB GONNA READ

marchxseptember said:AND THE PLOT THICKENS. I JIST FINISHED READING CH. 2 AND I AM FUCKED UP. I HAD A THEORY BEFORE BUT NOW I HAVE LIKE 2 MORE IM CONFUSED. I LOVED IT SOOO MUCH. AND I HATE MIJOO NOW. I CANT WAITT TO SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN. THIS WAS SO GOOD LU.

omg the amount of response ive gotten for new rules is unbelievable. I dont think ppl were even this into equilibrium. the last time u guys acted like this was during the golden boy trilogy and it really feels so good to have this again.

thank you all for your thoughtful messages and for giving this ridiculous little fic a chance. I love you all

[chumpmagump]

so i havnt come here much.  clearly im writing this for myself, because its just a place i want to store all the meaningless crap i write so that one day when my journey ends here on this p l a n e t. Some of my friends (ha what friends lately) and family (dysfunctional) and maybe some exes (lol u suck a bit and may or may not have influenced past 5 years of my life) can look at it and think.. well whatever they want to think. 

Lately i have felt an immense amount of numbness mixed with the often to occassional feeling of anger and sadness and manic about things that have happened to me in the past. Its like i need to somehow release the stuff that made me feel i wasnt in control of my body, my mind especially and my direction. for the longest time ive had nightmares about sexual assualt and running away from things and in general just bad things. Why? i dont know, the only reason i can think of is the inetrnalised trauma from what my mum went through, and seeing way too much on TV as a kid, and growing up in a climate where rape and assault are almost normalised because you expect to see it on the news just about everyday. andddd i dont like that.. 

Another thing is, wanting to start a youtube channel but feeling like im too ugly or something. Being afraid. It sucks to be able to watch endless channels and then deep down want something for myself but scared to manifest it.  am i fucking lame or what? :-)))))))) shoutout to my friends who have barely contacted me over the past 3 weeks of the hell ive been going through (that i couldnt talk about with them) especially J, you’ve really gone out of your way to avoid me at tropfest and then just completely not make plans to properly catch up again ( and no a hardcore study session doesnt count??? we wouldnt even be talking???).

i know i need to make new friends, but its been so long i dont even know the frick that works. do you., remain coy or do you straight up ask to hang out

i dont know!! the !! rules!! but i would REALLY like someone to hang with because im lonely as hell, but strangely i dont feel alone. Im just like meh, why the heck would i wanna hang out with people who dont try for me. Rather hang by myself and bitch about it here of course! boyfriend situation is.. weird to say the least. affection levels Dropppedd.Effort Droppeddd. Attitude increaseddd, level up on that one. I really have felt hypervigilant man thanks! we talked about it last night, i said i need some space and that took him by surprise i guess. jjust cause like... all the conversation is very much  about him he talks about mundane stuff a lot, which is ok fine whatever, but its been alot of focus on him the past 4 weeks. and to be honest, i need him to be encouraging me to talk, or leave some space silence for me to talk. i dont know. encourage me, i even said i just dont feel my stuff is important.  because ive been so focused on his stuff which was very very very important. Actually was no joke, he could have been sent away for a long time.. for something he didnt do. relief its over. But still. I just need to be consumed by moi, myself for a while. I said i needed a hug last night, he sent me a sticker.. a STICKER. talk about effort yikes. if he said that to me, bitch id be writing a paragraph!  i dont know. ive tried sooo fucking hard for him. no regrets. i just would like a littleee, a smidge back right now more than ever. 

but yeah uh updates.

[whatsonforperth]

WHY LESS TIME ON MY PHONE MAKES ME MORE CREATIVE

Why time off from my phone helped with creativity, productivity and better sleep. How I plan to take that holiday break mentality into my work year.

TAKE A BREAK, LADY Something I think we are all okay to let go of this year is feeling guilty for taking time out to unwind. Time out to ditch your phone, instead to go for a swim/ walk or run, to cook/ read/ play with a pet or even just watch a movie. It is 2019, after all. How exciting can looking at our phones be anymore? Havent we seen a lot already? We can definitely afford to spend a lot less time committed to scrolling. And, for my fellow digital creatives, in 2019, its time we stop feeling so much pressure surrounding our social performance stats. We cant control the results after all. Just our attitudes towards them.

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND At some point last year I stopped plugging my phone in overnight to charge on a nightstand or someplace nearby where I sleep. It was keeping me awake, even without notifications or sound on. Id find myself not sleeping, so Id just scroll through my phone. Awful. Such a dumb solution to not sleeping! Now instead I leave it in my office to charge and forget about it completely. Not checking for updates or bothering to think about emails, replies etc, etc allowed me more time to focus on whatever task I should be doing instead. The other thing I did was delete apps that I didnt use or wasted time on but got little out of. Good riddance. HOW MUCH TIME WE SPEND ON OUR PHONE Ive always been aware of how much time I spent on my phone. Dividing between Instagram, emails, Pinterest etc, I know I would spend x amount of time before and after posting an Instagram and again checking in another time of the day. However, I also found myself over committing. Since it is part of my work too, Id often wind up in one of those rabbit holes wasting more time than Id planned. Hence needing to create a new habit of using it less. It was surprising to me when towards the end of the year when Apple started notifications of how much time people spent on their phone, how surprised a lot of people were with the numbers. I heard people talking about it all the time, in every circle I found myself in. How can I possibly be on my phone THAT much? It says I use it for five hours a day! etc. Even radio talk shows were asking callers to phone in if they had a high number of hours on average per week. Did they really not realise? We have convenient apps for everything. Weve been directed to turn to our phones for tasks all day long. Not to mention the binge culture of watching videos, scrolling through feeds, sending each other memes and gifs. And, I will also mention, that I happen to know a LOT of people who STILL play Pokemon Go. Seriously.

WHY SWITCHING OFF MY PHONE HELPS ME GET MORE CREATIVE Over the last week or so, Ive been meeting up with people who have been telling me how lovely their Christmas breaks were. And Ive noticed a common theme too. They all took time out (and so did I) from using theirphones. From posting on social media, or scrolling. There were stretches of days where I didnt even need to charge my phone. I wasnt alone either, its been so nice to hear from friends who were happily lazy over their breaks and have come back feeling refreshed since. And I was a-okay about it. Instead, I read, spent time exploring, chatting, having new ideas and of course, sleeping better. If you stop to ask yourself why you reach for your phone, you can consider how necessary it really is. Can you let it go? What is that scrolling time costing you? Can you put that energy and time into something better? I bet you can. Starting out my working year, Ive been feeling more creative and have been more productive. The results will start to show soon, as projects come to fruition. Watch this space! CAN YOU LET IT GO? It might be a tricky thing to remember but taking time off regularly throughout the year will only help to get that feeling back. Even a little time, like the weekends, or daily after 8 pm. Would you be up to try it? Did you ditch your phone over the break? Id love to hear if you noticed a difference in your mood, positivity, creativity etc. Let me know below! WEARING: ANINE BING BLAZER JAC + JACK TEE (SIMILAR HERE) ANINE BING SLIP MIDI SKIRT CHLOE RYLEE BOOTS (SIMILAR HERE) A.P.C. HALF MOON BAG SCADA AUSTRALIA NECKLACES & EARRINGSFollow FOLLOW VIA BLOGLOVIN PHOTOGRAPHED BY:MARIO RECCHIA JOIN MEIN MY PINTEREST OBSESSIONHERE

[earthshaker1217]

Tarot Reading 3-30-2017

Question: Where should I best apply myself to have a successful career/life?

Heart of the Matter: What is the main issue at hand? This is the focal point of the reading and usually the main influence

The Hierophant card signals tradition, conformity, and morality & ethics. Following the bounds of tradition. What is tried and true is valued, and it is not the time to stray from the path. This card can also represent the pursuit of knowledge, or a spiritual guide.

Challenge: What are the forces opposing you form resolution of your problem? What must you overcome to successfully resolve the issue?

Justice card signals cause & effect, clarity, and truth. Justice is fairness, truth, and the exercise of the law – and this is the card of karmic retribution. What you get is a direct result of your actions.

Unconscious: How do you really feel about the matter? What are some possible hidden emotions that may affect you?

VI of Cups signals nostalgia, happy memories, and reunion. The happy meeting between past and present is indicated here. There is a sense of wonderful nostalgia of times long ago. The memories coming back though, can sometimes be so engrossing that you begin to forget your present.

Past: What attitudes, feelings, or beliefs in past events have shaped your current situation?

Page of Pentacles signals dreams, desire, and new opportunity. This card indicates that you on the brink of giving life to a new venture or opportunity that brings you luck in the material world. You are full of enthusiasm and energy that make this new opportunity come to life.

Conscious: How are you viewing the situation? What are some assumptions, convictions, or beliefs you have about your reading?

King of Wands signals big picture, leader, and overcoming challenges. A person having great vision and leadership, and all the drive and understanding to create his vision. He leads and inspires others with his unconquerable passion.

Future: What are some influences coming in the future that will affect how you perceive this situation?  What is a developing concern you are having?

IX of Wands reversed signals exhaustion, fatigue, and reaching burnout. At the time when you are so close to achieving your goals, you are now feeling as though you have too many responsibilities, and that you are on your own without any support. You must learn to push forward, there is only a little bit left in your journey.

Querent: How are you approaching the problem? How are your beliefs, fears, and perception of yourself affecting how this situation turns out? 

VII of cups reversed signals temptation, diversion, and confusion. Beware of the things that are being offered to you at the moment – you are either unable to think rationally now, or something dangerous lurks behind what gilded promises. All that glitters is not gold, and temptation can draw you to ruin.

Environment: What is the climate that is surrounding this situation? This is the playing field you’ll have to operate from.

II of cups signals unity, partnership, and two become one. Signaling a union and partnership of balance, honor, and respect. The ancient symbol of the caduceus also suggests energy, passion, and sex, and the intermingling of opposite forces.

Hopes and fears: What are your expectations of the situation? What do you hope (or fear) the most regarding this reading?

VII of Wands reversed signals give up, destroyed confidence, and feeling overwhelmed. Being in a constant battle to defend yourself has worn down on your self-image, as you have had to constantly compare yourself to the rivals that have been eyeing your position. You are exhausted of fighting this battle, and you need time to build your confidence.

Outcome: Where is all of this leading? When all factors come into play, what is a likely situation that can occur?

IV of pentacles signals conservation, security, and frugality. Vast wealth has been accumulated here, and as a result, you have become protective of what you have earned. Though some amount of conservatism is good for one’s feeling of stability, this card can also warn of stinginess, and having a miserly attitude.

Analysis

Querent + Outcome: As I have mentioned before, the nostalgic perception of the past and the insecure feelings about the future could be contributing to the lack of clarity which is signaled in the Querent card. You main be trying to maintain security because of this confusion, which is why I recommend meditating on what from your past are you holding onto.

Unconscious + Conscious: The relationship between these two cards signal that you are remembering positive memories, but you should try not to get so wrapped up in this image of the past because that might be preventing you from pursuing the potential greatness you can achieve in the future. The King of Wands is a card that signals big ideas and progressing to higher levels. But it can be difficult to achieve higher levels if you perceive the past as better than your current situation. Because you might be focused on the past, you might not be able to pursue the knowledge that the Hierophant card signals.

Conscious + Outcome: The King of Wands and IV of Pentacles card also seem to clash with each other in this spread. The King of Wands signals that you might be someone with big plans and ideas, and you have strategies on how to accomplish them. However, the IV of Pentacles signals that you might have earned some things that have given you great status of some sort. It may not necessarily be monetary though. It could be socially, professionally, academically, etc. Either way, you actively want to maintain this status which might be there is a sense of hesitance about the future.

Future + Outcome: The cards in the Future and Outcome positions are making me wonder if you’re holding yourself and your talents back.  IX of Wands reversed signals a sense of being overwhelmed which can be a common feeling in regards to the future. The IV of Pentacles signals security, but the downside of security can be a lack of freedom. That means freedom to fail and learn as well as freedom to succeed and learn.

Heart + Challenge: These aspects are also where I think the Challenge card is relevant. Nostalgia is nice, but it can also be an illusion of sorts. Perhaps your challenge is seeing the truth clearly in your situation. That’s why the Hierophant is in the Heart position of this spread. The focal point of this reading could be you gaining knowledge of some sorts whether that is in traditions, a new moral paradigm, or new pathway to gaining wisdom. However, the obstacle that could be preventing you is the lack of clear vision.  This clouded vision could stem from your attachment to a past you perceive as better and a future you perceive as overwhelming.

Subconscious + Hopes & Fears: When VI of Cups and VII of Wands reversed are both taken into account, it signals to me that you might be attached to the past because of the typical fear of uncertainty that the future brings. With this mind, it seems like you’re in a situation where you might be afraid to move forward and that might be one of the things you should work to have the successful life you want.

Part of this analysis comes from what I see in the Hope & Fears card as well as the Past and Unconscious cards. These cards give me the sense that you might have such positive view of the past is because you may have achievements in the past.

Summary

The cards in this spread signal that you might have to work learning how to appreciate the past without becoming held back by it even if it is positive. You also may need to work on embracing the opportunity to leave your comfort zone. That is the only way you can manifest those big ideas that might be at the forefront of your mind.

The cards signal a hesitant approach to moving forward with the future because you might end up worn out or you’ll end up with your ego bruised. These are valid fears, but if you give into them, then you won’t be able to achieve the greatness the King of Wands and Hierophant signal for you.

Fortunately, your environment card signals that there is a healthy relationship for you to operate from to accomplish these things.

I hope this helps.

[deliberatelyinmotion-blog]

The empathy of Springsteen on Broadway

I have never been a big fan of Bruce Springsteen, as a matter of fact I have never been a fan of his until about four years ago when I decided to finally listen to one of his albums entitled “The River”.  As a person who was born in 1980 it seemed nostalgic to listen to that album because of its original release date.

I was born in Poland when it was still under the communist regime, and my exposure to western music was very limited.  However I was lucky enough not to remember much of realities of that time.  I was still very young when it all changed in 1989.  The iron curtain fell, and it was brave new world for all of us.  To make a long story short, my first exposure to Bruce Springsteen and his music was when I’ve heard “Born in the U.S.A” … and it seemed like another propaganda piece, but this time it “freely” came from the west instead of east.  Don’t get me wrong, we kids all loved Rocky IV, and american movies and music.  I guess, when it came to Bruce and his music,  I was too young, and ignorant to understand/relate to the stories and emotions embedded to his art.  

Then the nineties arrived, and grunge swept me off my feet.   As a teenager with all the hormones and anger raging inside, I loved Nirvana, the intensity and fuck you- attitude of their music.  Especially  when it felt real, unlike the pompous, manufactured music of all those hair bands that came before it.   I think that in a way, I’ve put Springsteen in the same compartment as Warrant, Poison or so many similar bands (Bon Jovi? ;)

With “Streets of Philadelphia” he got my attention.  I was thirteen at the time, but I loved the haunting lyrics (translated by a friend who could speak the language), and that background, relentlessly dark synth sound… awesome.  

Bruce Springsteen deserved my attention, and I knew that I had to, at least, listen to one of his albums… but Nirvana, Pearl Jam, STP, Smashing Pumpkins and their music were the masters of my musical life.  Then as time went by, and my musical journey progressed, I went back and surrendered my attention to the likes of Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, The Doors… especially The Doors.  Then even little further in time, listening to B.B King, Buddy Guy, Chuck Berry…

Music is like a big tree with branches sprawling in all directions,  you can listen to a band, but then you find out that they were influenced by someone else’s music… so you follow it down the rabbit hole, further and further.

My father died when I was sixteen years old.  I felt ashamed that when he was still alive I preferred to spend time with my friends, listening to music, or wandering aimlessly for long, long hours throughout my town.  Sleeping at abandoned shed by the river, anywhere and anything but going home.  He was a good father, but with problems that, I’ve stupidly thought, tarnished his superman persona.  My original idol was flawed...and I couldn’t comprehend, I couldn’t realize that it was my way of thinking which was flawed.  

After his death my musical world swirled around Portishead, Massive Attack, Tricky… then Marilyn Manson, Korn, System of a Down.  It took a long time until I was ready to listen to any other genre.  

After all this, you might think, where does Springsteen’s music enter?

It does with my first boyish love.   

It was Saturday night.  Me and my friends as always were out on a town.  Hitting all the “cool” spots, and then ending up at this house party where you were “the man” if you showed up with any kind of liquor.   It was mostly vodka… because of Poland :)

So we’re there doing shots without anything to chase it with, the music was swirling in the air, and then she walked in and started a conversation.  It seemed so natural to talk to her, so smooth and easy.   I knew her for some time now, but always treated her as a friend only.  

Later on that night me and two of my cousins have walked her and few other girls home, and the whole world changed.  It pulsated with this new energy.

I came back home, and turned on the radio.  I turned the volume to the lowest setting because it was late at night, and with my ear by the single speaker I’ve heard

“Hey little girl, is your daddy home?”

He sang longingly

“I got a bad desire,

Oh, oh, oh I’m on fire”

I’m thirty four, and my life have changed a lot.  I left Poland when still a teenager.  Living an “undocumented thriller” of a life in the USA.  I made few friends in high school, but couldn’t really socialize, because every weekend or holiday, I’ve spent working construction to earn some money and save it for future college education… One associate degree, one green card, and many years later I still work construction, but over time my whole worldview have changed.  I guess it’s part of growing up, you forget about things that made you happy , make new priorities, change desires, make them more imminent.  The music however is still with me. I still listen to it constantly… but I’ve never truly learned how to play guitar, or any instrument… one of these days...maybe…

One day, driving back home, I’ve started a new playlist on my Pandora app (I think that when it comes to generated playlists, Pandora it’s hands down better than any other streaming service).  I’ve listened to the music of the 80’s… I don’t know why I did it,  I’ve always thought that the 80’s were terrible music wise.  Twenty minutes in, I’ve heard “My hometown”.  It caught me by surprise, I’ve listened to the lyrics, the notes… and it took me back to my youth, to my long forgotten hometown in Poland.  Later on that night I played “The River” in its entirety.  It was so simply powerful.

Thirty eight years old, with wife and three kids.  House, and all that comes with it, established position in the company that I work for, two cars, and zero time for myself.  

I found out that Springsteen will do Broadway show.  The idea of seeing him in such intimate setting of a relatively small venue, was appealing.  I could spend some reasonable amount of money  for tickets, but I was unlucky to get them.  Oh well…

It’s 5:20 in the morning.  Friday.  I get in my car, and pull out of my driveway.  Go to a local coffee place to jump start the morning.  I check the weather on my smartphone while waiting in short line, then see all new music releases available to stream on my drive to work.

Springsteen on Broadway was one of the new albums available.  I’ve paid for my coffee, got in the car, hit play… and couldn’t stop the wave of emotions.  Nostalgia, sadness, regret, happiness, hope, love.  All this while driving south on New Jersey turnpike.  

Until this day I only had two favorite live albums.

First and always is Nirvana - MTV Unplugged in New York

Second - David Bowie with its live album originally released as part of three disk set - Portland BBC Radio Theatre

Now Bruce Springsteen joins that club.  

It was his music that I have played that same evening to my wife, and Sunday, when we’ve put our kids to sleep, we’ve watched the filmed version of the show.  

At one point Bruce says that he wrote songs about things that he absolutely head zero knowledge about.  Factories, five days a week job, and such, but was it really so?

All great art gets enhanced, and in the process, changed by the audience.  We add our own past experiences to the words, the sounds of the song, even if we’ve never worked in a factory, but we all, most of us were in love, were happy, sad, or desperate.  Nature of our work is just a background of a universal story.  Springsteen’s words and music tapped into, and amplified that.

When he spoke about him climbing that neighborhood tree, I climbed similar one, but not in Jersey, but in Poland.  When he spoke about his father, I thought about and missed mine, regretting moments lost.  When he spoke about dreams of the future, it rushed me back in time to my teenage idealistic self with grand expectations about the world.  When he spoke about him having a moment with his father, their reconciliation, and lesson learned from it, made me think about my own role in my children’s lives.  

Bruce doesn’t write about tangible things, he writes about feelings that we can relate to and compound upon.  The empathy that comes with his music surrounds us, and it’s so intimate that it only can be described as Life… Art…

[jakemarnie-blog]

3. Being an effective team member, contributor, building confidence and being efficient. At the conclusion of my first few events I have gained a considerable amount of experience in such a short period of time. I have been fortunate enough to have been given an opportunity to work at many different types of events such as the Australian Superbike Championship, Bendigo White Night, Eastland Icerink, Real Madrid Fan Experience and also the Chinese Moon Lantern Festival. Working across many different areas of events and performing whilst being an effective team member has allowed me to realise I have the tools and passion to be able to continue in the industry. This has continually built my confidence more and more each week. Bump in and bump outs of events I can now work autonomously and perform all tasks to a hjgh standard. At Bendigo White Night I was given the responsibility of a new task that I have not performed previously. As the event required tasks to be completed at different stages, it meant new staff were starting and ending their shifts at different times throughout the bump in. This meant that I was made responsible of inducting staff to the sight and ensuring they knew were abouts around the sight they were needed. Being given such an important task made me feel like I was providing significant value to Miles Per Hour. It also allowed me to develop vital transferrable skills within the sporting industry such as staff management, risk management and organisation. With each event I definitely am getting more confident and my efficiency is getting to the level required to work in events.

4. Challenges To date, the internship experience has been a positive one with very little challenges or hurdles. Due to the somewhat unpredictability of events there are always going to be various dificulties which will need to immediately be addressed and also putting together plans so it doesn’t happen in the future. The first challenge as previously mentioned was my lack of Microsoft Excel experience as I havent had to use the software at my previous roles. My major project at the MotoGP required me to build a schedule and budget using excel. I knew that excel is such a useful tool that all workplaces use in the industry so I made sure I took the time upskilling in this area but watching tutorials and experimenting using the different features. This was a relatively easy challenge to overcome. Another challenge we had to overcome at the first Australian Superbike event at Morgan Park, QLD was the severe winds throughout the weekend. This was an issue with all of the signage around the track as each morning we inspected the signage a lot had shifted out of position or blown over. This was also because the ground was way too hard to peg the signage into the ground. This would obviously be an issue on race day with the sponsors, camera crew and also safety. To ensure all signage were correctly placed for race day we had to be on track even early and improvise by filling each sign with tyres to weight them down. This was a one off issue as all other courses we were able to peg the signs into the ground. Another isssue at this event that was totally unavoidable was the podium skin being ripped off of the truss knocking down the grid girls. To ensure the podium was still available for the main presentations I took the initiative to hold the podium down from behind so that Motorcycling Australia and its sponsors would be happy. We identified that this issue cannot happen again in the future as it could have ended in injury and also significant costly damage to the podium. This meant that we made sure and planned that in future events, that the podium be facing a certain direction so its not affected by the wind. Another challenge in the industry is the long working hours. At some events I was working at we had to start at 6am and not finish until 10pm. This wasn’t an issue for me as I thoroughly enjoy this type of work and love being at events.

5. Achievements and milestones both technically and professionally Having now completed the entirety of my internship it is a perfect time to refllect on my major aachievements. From a professional standpoint I believe firstly I worked extremely hard and perfected all of my duties that were handed to me by all of my supervisors. Completing all of the different aspects of the staffing logistics for the MotoGP is definitely something I am proud of as the weekend could not have run any smoother. The briefing document I created was professional and will be used as a template going forward. The skills I have shown and developed over the course of the internship are much more than what I thought id be able to develop in such a short space of time. My initial goal and aspiration was to show enough skills and technical and professional growth to my supervisor with the hope to secure a role at Miles Per Hour. Having met with the owner at the conclusion of my 228 hours I can now say that because of my hard work and commitment I have been offered some part-time or casual work, working at events with the possibility of some office responsibilities. This is a great achievement for me now having completed my bachelor of sports business and searching for a start in my career in the industry. This will be a great starting point for me to be able to further enhance my skills and experience and add some real value to the company. 6. Career aspirations including goal setting (reflections on submitting job applications) Prior to beginning my studies at Holmesglen I have always aspired to have a career in the athlete management industry. Now that ive completed this has not changed. Hearing various guest speakers throughout the degree who have worked in that field, were able to secure an agency job after some time working in events. This is due to the transferrable skills of managing, problem solving and organisation. Working in events also allows you to deal with a range of people and clients which offer a great opportunity to network with the right people. As Miles Per Hour work in conjunction with one of the leaders of athlete management TLA Worlwide, moving forward this may provide me wi th the opportunity to network and build my professional brand to level where I may be sought after. This is now only a dream but given the opportunity to do so I would grab it with both hands. As completing the degree is still so fresh I do not currently have any immediate plans for starting my career in the industry other than the casual events role as previously mentioned. I have however also secured a role at Basketball Jersey World and have sent a job application for a duty manager role at YMCA managing the Casey Stadium. This internship process has allowed me to almost perfect writing job applications as I did annoyingly have to write numerous applications to land an internship role. Being a manager at a local facility would be a different kind of challenge all together but believe I do have the skills necessary to excel in this thanks to the course at Holmesglen as well as my jnternship and work experiences. As I am in America for a month I only applied for this role as a requirement of the unit but would be ecstatic given the opportunity. Once I do get back however I will definitely be on the lookout for a role whjch would suit my skills and aspirations. Im fairly confident that I can put together an attractive cover letter and resume addressing the selection criteria. I will ensure I regularly scan sportspeople and LinkedIn for the next big role. 7. Supervisor evaluations and future career professional development requirements   Not to be over confident but I was not surprised with receiving such a positive evaluation from the owner of Miles Per Hour, Geordie. All of the strengths of mine he has mentioned such as Ability to learn quickly, Communicate with other staff, Stay calm under pressure and Hard working attitude I have acquired through my various other jobs particularly at US Sports Down Under. These strengths however have undoubtedly been further developed through the 228 hour internship. When looking into whether or not I require further professional development I would say I believe I am ready to tackle role that im fortunate enough to land moving forward. Due to the nature of the course with all subjects being so industry specific which is not a feature at all universities I believe I already have tbe required knowledge in my focus areas such as sponsorship, events, marketing and athlete management. I would not require any further study. If anything, I would benefit and would love to do an internship in the US which many professional clubs offer numerous of. Working in the US would be a dream and completing an internship there would be a big step in achieving that.  

8. Student showcase and reflections on internship and studies Now that the internship, my studies and the student showcase are over I am first of all relieved to say the least. It has been an extremely long road to get to this point but I a mm extremely proud with what I have been able to achieve to date and definitely looking forward to the future. It was extremely exciting to hear all of the great experiences that my fellow classmates had throughout their internship and was quite pleased that I too had such a positive outcome from mine. I wasn’t short of exciting things to talk about and really wanted all the awesome events I was fortunate enough to attend to be a focus. I was happy for the students also who have actually been able to secure full time roles in the industry. Being such a competitive person this has made me even more determimed to put myself out there and try and land a full time role myself either in events, player management, sponsorship or venue management. After studying for 3 years at Holmesglen I believe it has prepared me well for the workforce especially with the sport and industry specific subjects ive been fortunate enough to undertake. Because of this I am extremely confident that I am well skilled and equipped enough to look attractive to potential employers. Due to feeling so prepared I believe I will have the confidence to deliver high standard interviews moving forward. Right now im looking forward to a little break, refresh and then search for that first full time role in the industry.    

[haileyjayden3]

Can Marijuana Really be Used to Treat Alcoholism Successfully?

One of the hot new trends is medical marijuana, and what better thing to treat with it than addiction itself. Apparently researchers are starting to test the idea that marijuana can be used to treat both alcoholism and opiate addiction.

The Fresh Toast says that some studies exist, “though few are US-based because marijuana’s status as a Schedule I drug prevents most federal scientific research.” Which simply means that, because marijuana has only recently become more legal in the US, very few studies exist that attempt to prove alternate and off label uses for it.

But because it is going to be a legal option for people to pursue, we need to consider just how effective it might be as a form of treatment.

They would typically label an idea like this as being “harm reduction.” Instead of convincing people to try complete and total abstinence from all mood and mind altering substances, the harm reduction philosophy attempts to get addicts or alcoholics to dial back their destructive behaviors, or to trade out a more harmful addiction for a far less damaging dependency. For example, getting heroin IV users to switch to medically controlled methadone doses was an attempt at harm reduction that we have used in the past.

So what can we expect from this new idea, of using marijuana to treat other addictions? What is this really going to look like?

Unfortunately, my fear is that this idea is going to gain a lot of traction, and potentially become a very common treatment for both opiate and alcohol addiction. Why? Mostly because of the target audience and their preferences.

If you look at generations of the past, they were much more likely to accept a hard line answer and simply do what they were told to do, as opposed to younger and new generations that are more defiant and more likely to push back against conventional wisdom. With previous generations I believe that you could say to the average alcoholic: “Look, you need to go through rehab, start going to these AA meetings, and read this book about recovery.” People would actually follow those directions in some cases, believe it or not.

Today, the attitude towards treatment is different. The alcoholic or addict is more likely to say “well, what are my options? I don’t really like meetings. What alternatives can you offer me? What medications are available to help me with this? How can I get a good result without doing all of that hard work you are trying to dump in my lap?”

The attitudes have shifted, and I believe that this is going to change how we treat addiction moving forward. People want an easier, softer way, and I think that MAT is going to be their first stop at achieving this goal. “Oh, there is a medication that can take away my cravings? Sign me up for that.” Or “Oh, using medical marijuana can reduce my cravings for opiates or alcohol? I’ll give that a try.” It certainly sounds a whole lot easier than going to 90 meetings in the next 90 days and spilling my guts in a fourth and fifth step to some that I ask to be my sponsor in AA.

I honestly hope that MAT and things like this medical marijuana idea can be found to be highly effective. I really hope it works out well. But I can’t help but be skeptical, possibly because I myself attempted to use marijuana in order to avoid uncontrollable alcohol intake.

My main concern is this: Using marijuana in the short term is wonderful. It works great. If your goal is to avoid opiates or alcohol, and you substitute in marijuana temporarily, this works wonderfully at first. I know this because I have done it myself. You can absolutely avoid the urge to drink by using another drug such as marijuana.

The problem for me was that eventually it stopped working so well. Eventually I built a tolerance to marijuana such that I felt like my emotions were overwhelming me and I could not seem to use enough of the drug to fully medicate myself. Meanwhile, I knew that if I combined the marijuana with just a modest amount of alcohol that this would completely “fix me” at that time.

In other words, while I was temporarily using marijuana in order to avoid my alcoholic drinking, this only worked up to the point that I could effectively medicate my unwanted emotions. I was stressed, I was angry, I was afraid–and I was medicating those emotions using substances rather than to deal with them like a responsible person. And eventually the tolerance effect cheated me out of my high to the point that I just had to return to drinking.

In other words, eventually, the marijuana is not enough. Every opiate addict and every alcoholic will eventually reach a point in their life where they will say “this just isn’t cutting it any more, I need to use my real drug of choice.” Because they are already medicating their emotions with marijuana, they don’t really have an alternative (such as learning to deal with and process their emotions while sober).

Using marijuana to treat addiction is going to be a losing battle–in my opinion–because you are still medicating your emotional state with a drug. Therefore when the alcoholic is in “recovery” and using medical marijuana, they are not really learning and growing as a person, because they are simply medicating their unwanted emotions. So they are not making progress, they are not learning anything. The only “trick they know” is to use a substance to medicate their current mood. This isn’t helping in the long run.

As I said, my hope is that they can figure out how to prove me wrong. Maybe they can figure out a way to create strains of marijuana that only reduce anxiety without really medicating someone to the point that I am suggesting here–where they get high and their mood is instantly shifted and they can overcome unwanted emotional states. But my fear is that the current generation is going to hear about this as an option for treatment and they are going to jump on it immediately, hoping that it is the easier softer way that will fix all of their problems without forcing them to do any work or confront any harsh realities. The truth is that real recovery requires real work, and if you want to significantly change your life for the better then you have to pay a price in order to get that reward. Simply subbing in a different drug is not going to produce the desired result unless you also accompany that strategy with a great deal of hard work, introspection, and spiritual soul searching.

The post Can Marijuana Really be Used to Treat Alcoholism Successfully? appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from http://www.spiritualriver.com/news/can-marijuana-really-be-used-to-treat-alcoholism-successfully/