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ladymusic600 · 5 years

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My mom didn’t make a lot of money and my father left before i was born, I was already dealing with the shame of receiving free school lunches and the looks associated with that. Some of my school friends laughed and poked fun. They chuckled and I even joked about it with them. But for me, on the inside, it wasn’t funny at all. I know how tough it can be to use a soup spoon or button a shirt. I struggle with these seemingly easy, day-to-day tasks too. But I think it shows your true character to keep soldiering on and finding a way, day after day, to keep rising above the challenges. This is a nerve disorder causing uncontrollable shaking usually to the top half of the body. The tremors can make easy and everyday tasks so much more difficult. These tremors can make something as easy as feeding yourself, dressing yourself a challenge. A person with these tremors can have difficulty using a spoon or picking up a glass without spilling what is inside. This is something i have had sense birth. It truly does affect my entire body: my arms, hands, legs(which make me fall and trip), lips, stomach. It even affects my voice, which I find very stressful as it often sounds like I am about to cry when I am in a nervous situation- so phone calls would, naturally, be another source of anxiety for me as I was always worried the person on the other end of the phone would think I was upset. There are many factors that exasperate and intensify my tremor which include: anxiety, being hungry, being too tired, being too cold, being too hot, adrenaline, caffeine and the worst of all: being hungover. There is another huge point to cover here- alcohol completely gets rid of the tremor and when I say it completely gets rid of it, I mean it becomes non-existent, doctors say its ok to have a little but come on? wouldn't you drink like a fish out of water if it made you normal. Therefore throughout my teens I would often drink to self-medicate and relieve the stress that the tremor would put on me. Alcohol would also allow me to do everyday things that I couldn’t do with the tremor (for instance: walking down steps(i need to hold on someone or something), taking a drink, eating soup, writing, the list goes on and on.) I remember enjoying the feeling the alcohol gave me as it made me feel like a ‘normal’ person and I couldn’t believe that people were actually living their lives with this feeling of normality and I was extremely jealous of that. Imagine that, the one cure to your condition, is something that can actually kill you (or is extremely dangerous). But this was a really big problem for me and I was in denial for years that I had become dependent on drinking to calm my tremor and my anxiety. I had normalized using alcohol to self-medicate and kept it a secret for years. I decided to have a drink to calm myself down and stop my legs from shaking, when going out to meet new friends. Of course as one does when socializing this led to another drink and then another. The next morning and I realize my tremor is so bad that I can barely even stand up. So, I went through my options and decided the only real way I could even get out of bed was to have another drink… so I did. This cycle continued drinking, waking up with a hangover, not being able to stand/walk and then drinking again to be able to continue with daily life. The thing is my friends and family would have to carry me days after...So naturally i stopped drinking all together. People don't understand that one day you can be happy and notice its not as bad as you remember but then....there are those days where I have trouble holding things, i drop things on my feet, i fall over a ghost foot, needing help down stairs, i cut my hand, burn myself, can't dress myself, sound like im having a mental break down...i could go on and on how bad it gets....But Imagine waking up one day and trying to drink a cup of hot coffee without burning yourself. Just imagine when you have your good days and bad days, meaning good days being where you can do stuff without even remembering you have this shaking problem. To bad days literally where the moment you get up you know its going to be a long day of wanting to scream cry and throw everything in frustration because you can’t feed yourself or dress yourself, that you are kinda like a new born again, that you just want to go back to sleep and wake up the next day. But the next day might be the same or better you never know. And you know whats sad about this is im a small person and between 100-106 pounds and short and cops always stop me and ask for my id because they think im on drugs….i only met one cop and that day sadly was at night i was working on a children’s haunted train ride and we were both zombies. Not once did he every think that i was on drugs and it was like 60ish degrees out side and that was cold to me so i was shaking like crazy. I came to realize when i got home he just thought i was cold…then i got into my own head and started getting depressed. The thought of people feeling sorry for me, thinking of me as ‘helpless’, or weak was just awful heartbreaking and was one of the reasons why I kept it a secret for so long. I know if i every have a kid in the future that they will have this as well and that makes me cry thinking about them going through this as well. Im going put a innocent child in this world to get bullied like i did and not be able to do things on there own... Im still to scared to tell people about it, it's embarrassing. Eventually it will get worse which makes me sad but even then as far as neurological disorders go, it’s not as bad as it could be and for that I’m grateful. Like When im paying for stuff god i feel horrible because im shaking and nervous which makes it worse and im left feeling guilty and apologizing to everyone every time. Sometimes it makes me want to scream, fall to my knees and cry because i feel like im just slowing people down or they get embarrassed by me. I have difficulty cooking and have burned and cut myself multiple times, I can’t drive when my tremors are bad because Im scared…I’m at the point now where I avoid eating and drinking in public even if im out all day i still won’t. I’m socially awkward all the time even when im not shaking im just shy and weird haha. See The dating scene can be a bit tricky, especially with people who aren’t really used to seeing you, or anyone else, with tremors. I NEVER been on a date in my life and im kind of scared to go on one because i have to wear wrist and forearm weights. Essential Tremors is a progressive neurological condition that causes a shaking within the hands, head, voice or legs and in some cases an internal shaking is reported. Essential Tremors are most normally confused with Parkinson’s but is more common and while Parkinson’s lessens with more movement, ET worsens with movement, anxiety, stress and strain. Unlike Parkinson's, which is a degenerative disease that causes someone to lose brain cells, essential tremor is not a degenerative disorder. Usually, the tremor that's characteristic of essential tremor occurs while the person is performing a movement-oriented activity – such as eating, drinking, writing, typing or brushing teeth – or when the hand is in a still but outstretched position (called a postural tremor). The severity can range from a barely noticeable trembling that's exacerbated by stress, anxiety, fatigue, excess caffeine or certain stimulant asthma medications to a severe, disabling tremor that has a significant impact on your ability to perform daily activities. For people with severe tremor that doesn't respond to drugs, surgical therapies and other treatments are gaining traction. With deep brain stimulation, a probe is implanted in the thalamus, the part of the brain that causes tremors, and a wire runs from the probe to a pacemaker-like device implanted in the chest. "We use the pacemaker to jam the tremor signal inside the brain," "If the tremor gets worse, we can dial up the stimulation." Hearing that scares me, because you can't be asleep when you have this surgery, you have to be awake so they know they have it in the right place. Recent epidemiological studies indicate that individuals with ET are at slightly increased risk of developing dementia (particularly Alzheimer’s disease) compared to their age-matched counterparts without ET. Similar studies also show that persons with ET have a more than four-times increased risk of developing Parkinson’s disease. The mechanisms for these associations are currently under study. so….would you date me knowing possibly by the time im 40-50ish that i might need help with almost everything i do? would you date me knowing i could possibly give ET to our kid? would you date me knowing there are times where i scream bloody murder because i can’t handle the shaking? would you date me knowing that there will be times where i zone out and get depressed because i either know my out come or because i im scared of it? i want someone who loves me and not because of sympathy…

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fadeintocase · 6 years

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I’m not fucking around anymore day 5

5-25-18 - 5-26-18

Was tracking some stuff late and got a bit caught up in some things so i didn't get the opportunity to write one of these last night.

but! I did get to try out an app my friend @revolutionaryduelist reccomended me. It's called fabulous and so far it's living up to its name, but it may just be my optimism for self improvement... or someone else's seeping into mine.

But lets talk about self improvement apps, and the actual point of them.

Got my morning routine solid yesterday, but didn't exercise. Tried something new this morning, an app i'm going to get into a bit more later. I'm thinking of taking some of the pressure off to follow my old routine and try refreshing things a bit. Still keeping all the principles, but trying to find a new way to arrange them.

I got some work done, about as much as I was expecting, though it took longer to get to it.

My night routine, i got half through, fucked up, and got back to later after many a distraction. I am fallible. Lets see how today goes. I'm about to head out to the farmers market. But first!

Take some stuff off your mind

You'll often hear that phones and technology are distracting. You might be in the camp of "ok i'm gonna get this app and it's gonna fix my life" or the camp of "you can't just expect some pretty looking app to fix your life, you have to do the work."

Here's the thing though, building good habits is a lot of work? getting to a place where your perspective is different takes quite the journey sometimes. And this is a very fast moving and very cluttered reality we live in compared to the life before smartphones. Its hard to put your mental and physical energy into what you want to do if you're so concerned with keeping up with everything else.

But! You are the other half of this equation. If you are still submitting to bad habits and time-sinks, none of this will help. These are tools you need a mindset to use, not a crutch for a lack of one.

Bad apps

Social media is great. I get a lot of laughs from twitter and tumblr. I took them off my phone. If you're away from your laptop, you won't get distracted from your tasks by checking social media sites. your friends can IM you, you will be far from isolated, you still have the literal rest of the internet, and these gaps will only last as long as you're away from yout computer. That detachment will free up so much mental energy if you can get through the first week of checking your phone and shit not being there.

Stuff like youtube or netflix are great for leaving on background noise i can half tune into while working on non-music. Those i also took off my phone, so I don't get caught up watching 20 10-minute videos on youtube on the toilet, or 2-3 episodes of a show while in bed.

Productivity Apps.

So you gotta keep track of a lot of stuff to break your own programmed cycles and habits.

Pomodoros - Clocking Work : If you're a freelancer who has to work your own hours, you've probably tried out pomodoro before. If you haven't, it's a really simple productivity method. You sit down and work for 25 minutes, get up and break for 5, repeat 4 times and take a longer break on the 4th. The times are variable, and you can find what works better for you. I use it for longer, sit-down focused work. It ensures you're switching tasks just enough to keep your mind focused, but not enough to overwhelm you, and most encourage you to do something physical during breaks so you're not getting stiff. I use the app Flat Tomato as my pomodoro timer. Helps me track how much i've done each day, too!

Habitica - Checklists : This is a checklist app with an RPG interface. Really. It's pretty cool. You have habits, which are + or - points, dailies, which you have to do every day or else you loose health, or to-dos, which give you points when you complete them. You can group stuff into tags to sort if you have a lot of daily tasks. I have morning and night tags where i can just narrow down to my extensive list of thigns i check off. And the items, pets, and weapons and party system is just a cute quirk.

Fabulous - Self Improvment: Speaking of cute quirks and routines, this app here is all about it. So much so that i'm changing up my morning and night routines to see how following it better helps my situation. It's another element of novelty i need to keep clmimbing i suppose. This app is geared toward exactly what I want to do. To structure your routines and activity to make things efficient and less stressful, to do stuff that make you mentally and physically healthier. Not only that, it's chock full of "scientifically proven most effecient x" kinda stuff. Exercise routines, breath work, a lot of other suggestions. It's pretty much what i'm all about and I'll probably talking about this a lot. The interface is also adorable and calming. Thanks, Taz!

Calm - Meditation : This is a meditation app and my favorite personally? It has guided meditations. If that's too much for you, it has timers with bells. If that's not enough for you, it has a breath cycle timer to do instead of meditating. It also has bedtime stories and a lot of calming background noises. If you don't have some isolated woods to go out and meditate in, apps like this are a good option.

VGFIT Yoga : The best yoga app I've seen. Has some 15-20 minute yoga classes with different goals and levels of difficulty. I'm still on flexible beginner but I aint trying to be a gymnast so I'll stay where i'm comfortable.

Lifesum - Meal trackers: Making sure you're eating right is important. Apps like these have stuff to scan barcodes to track stuff easier too! I actually don't use these, because being meticulous about eating habits is somethin i like to keep full control over. you will never get me to eat breakfast, apps. Never. Bulletproof coffee or nothing.

I tried to mention apps that sync up with apple's Health API, which I like because i can track so much stuff about where i'm at.

I aint got videos you guys can go look up some apps instead.

#INFAA #i proofread nothing i gotta go

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rennyji · 3 years

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about party schools and proof and effect of their reputation...

May 27th tweets...

The reputed party school wants to spend 11 years wondering why “I don’t go out” in the sense of bars/partying. For their personalities or the kids they’re used to, from the low grade requirements for their school(nothing against anyone for getting admission there), -

-I suppose it’s to be expected. With my grades at Iona Prep High School, I had scholarships with free laptops at some decent private schools. But I chose to go to the Harvard of the SUNY’s: Binghamton University. -

-I transferred out, because I wanted a fresh start with a new major, late in my academic career, after an attempt at electricalEngineering. The only place that’d take me is a reputed party school. Theyre probably like F* you in reading this, but being the truth, it’s undeniable.-

-And at that point in my academic career, I thought, what's in a name to a school or its reputation. But look what happens when you go to some places. Leaving Binghamton was the worst decision for so many normal/abnormal reasons. -

- i mean, for one thing, your grades reflect on the kind of person you are. it can say your hard working, or equally smart but just want to take it easy and do things like party and alcohol and drugs all day. but different story, moving on...-

-I used to spend a lot of time in computer science lounge and in the faculty department common room, at said party school. Despite me being there almost everyday, and at the Starbucks in Colonie, NY for networking, where this location is at the center of multiple Universities,-

-the professors who had a role in this, sided with random kids they don’t see in that area often. I guess it’s because they partied and I studied. “Sided “in that they listened to random kids who don’t know me, rather than talk to the guy in their vicinity on a daily basis. -

-Such is the reputed party school. While in the common area, I heard one of their professors say, they take as many kids from a local community college: Hudson Valley, to boost their graduation rates. -

-I guess they don’t get the kids they need for that in normal admissions at a reputed party school. As I hear them talking sometimes, while making me look crazy for it, you should have heard their astonishment at the Binghamton common computer area in comparison to what they-

-have at their reputed party school. It says a lot about reputations. The orchestrators try to make it seem like, the way I am in a ridiculous situation(probably filmed or the equivalent all day), while living with my parents, is how I am. -

- They’ve been doing this for 11 years, after robbing me of my opportunities for 11 years. I had a life before this, and I intend to continue to, after, with my own network, family, etc, away from these orchestrators and their craziness.-

- &another thing, regarding the party school, think im just saying things? check the books. and are their graduates or students going to get mad at me, despite the school's clear role and for calling the students equally smart, a number of tweets ago? well, oops, OK..moving on.-

moving onto addressing something else...-

-The orchestrators are always misusing people under the pretense that I’m a picked on kid. I’m a successful, grown man. -

-Not because I’m conceited, but from life experience, I wrote 11 yrs ago: “I’m not the last person people harass, but I’m also far from the first.” When it happens, with my image (while chubby, and not handsome now), I know somethings up. -

-Try me, and be direct about it, rather than do something ridiculous from afar. I don’t waste time on idiots. -

-The orchestrators perpetuate and take part, and make official and global, a small rumor of a girl I don’t know or knows me (or her misguided teenage friends who also don’t know me nor do I know them-big theme in this, with all involved) from 11 years ago.-

-The only thing that ever harmed me, abused me, or robbed me of health and opportunities, is the orchestrators. -

-Teenage kids have no power. Whatever effect they have dies down. It takes something big or reputable (like adults of a particular standing) to give their ideology power. -

-These adults...I don’t know them, they don’t know me...I don’t understand their 11 year project/vendetta/-whatever this massive lie is, against me. Maybe it started with just wanting to make money off of me and my life and my lifestyle. -

-In trying to address this 11 year problem, my true focus: my career, gets hidden, and you end up thinking I’m taking part, or after the cr*p-ola of the orchestrators. I’m big on what’s natural. -

-Anywho, I wrote this 1st in the “Notes app” on my iPhone yesterday, to publish on Twitter & tumbler today, in case I forgot. - in case todays posting was seen earlier...think it happens to emails sent to myself and other things...-

-Focus on what’s 4 each day on Twitter &tumbler, despite what cannot be helped i.e. the random relaying of everything @ any time, since no 1 helps me stop it by talking 2 me. Imagine what would happen if you told me-the power to save myself...what a great thing you'd be doing...

about that party school? before things escalated, as soon as I noticed the potential for a problem behind a situation occurring without telling me, I went to their Conflict Resolution office at their school and told them about my concerns and what I noticed-

- the next day, the guy that spoke to me, walks in a different direction, from a small distance, forces a head turn, and gives me a retarded smile. -

-Despite my "reporting things" like one does to the police in the face of a problem, that school went crazy against me on the day of my 2012 finals. can you imagine a school allowed to go nuts on the day of a student's final exams? -

-once again, goes back to the talk about reputations from several tweets ago - this morning. Ur reputation is who you are and reflects in your actions...and here we're dealing with a reputed party school...while they slander my reputation by putting me in retarded predicaments.-

- so many bad experiences with students and faculty at that school...in the first dorm suite i lived in, 5 guys pushed me into my room for pushing them back alone, by myself, for telling them to pitch in cleaning-

-&one of them - a stupid fraternity idiot - rushed to tell on me, saying i punched him. in a part time job, i told the guy i was working w/to teach me the trade or get the phone in my cubicle working in an area with no cell reception. he just responds nastily and it culminates-

- on another occassion, i locked myself out of my room in a different dorm suite, b4 going to my next part time job, which was in their down town. took the highway to get there. went to the faculty and told them my problem - that i had work, can't be late, need to get in my room-

-they tell me that i have to wait 2 hours b/c that's when their services are officially available. what if it was class & i needed my backpack? when they eventually agreed 2 help me, the woman i was speaking with, probably saw me going to my dorm building, -

-& she drives around &past me w/a nasty look to spite me 4asking them, when saying she'll go to my room and unlock it. when i think i went back to their office &told them about it, she claims she went to my building &waited, but i didn't show up. i saw her drive in a circle.

- and that second part time job...to prove myself useful when things weren't busy with a computer job, i would, alone, move big shelves, i think desks, &other furniture, down a floor or two. It was a gesture on my part after hearing them talk about no one clearing their office-

-after the things i did for them, i emailed them if they knew anything about this, &never a response. -

this is the party school now wondering about why i'm not out, socializing, getting laid all day/everyday, hitting the bars, or whatever. To the orchestrators: leave my life alone. They're so much proof to all this...i guess amidst everything else, maybe they can see memories...-

- i mean would it kill these people to go the conventional route and use a lie detector with all involved? It's so easy to clear this up. Based on what I truly want for my life, all of this is a mess.

- based on tech they use, in claiming 2 help me(when i need no help aside from telling me whats happening), they try to justify lies 2slander me or try to get me 2write all day. They perpetuate nonsense 2get me 2write, 2 I guess, see if they can predict it-to put it another way.

and going back to conflict resolution at the party school? there was one thing i forgot to mention. not only did he allow this to transpire without telling me. -

-on the day of my exams, when the sounds projected 2 me, made threats 2 a relative of mine, there, by saying "maybe we should help him too", I called Conflict Resolution @ party school several times. They wouldn't pick up. I think I left messages, but no call back. -

- in the face of harassment, threats, evolving to what it is today, under a false impression by people of power, such is the party school.

- U gotta wonder amidst yrs of this mental strain, especially at party school, where was cr*p flowery Amerian psychology/counseling system, what was the school's Conflict Resolution doing. -

-at that party school, failures all around..at the time I was there, academic departments were closing like i think their French department. but whatever. orchestrators are people in power, parading as those of quality, when they're not. 11 years of torture attest to that.

and one normal tweet for when we can move past this...-

love the @onepeloton (peloton). love #leannehainsby (cycling trainer) for her appearance, personality, and training.

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ms-marmar · 4 years

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quarantine relapse

hey y’all! i hope you’re safe and healthy. with the state of things around the world, it’s hard not to feel distress, hopelessness, anxiety, pain, and a whole lot of other negative feelings.

for one thing, quarantine has been difficult, to say the least. ive come to notice that many (myself included) have created expectations for themselves to practice certain behaviors during this pandemic in efforts to try to carry on as if things were normal, minimize the effects that this shift in environment has on us, and prevent ourselves from becoming “lazy.” ppl have set out to try to be more productive (from home), follow a schedule, dabble into new hobbies, work out from home, try new recipes and diets, etc.

unfortunately, many face even more struggles with this pandemic than just a shift from their daily routine. many of you are facing insecurities regarding your health, employment, finances, and much more. such pressures can trigger increased anxieties and lead to the unhealthy coping mechanisms (ie. self harm, restricting, binging, purging, etc) that you’ve built up over time.

i struggled (and still struggle) to commit to a routine, often feeling guilty for failing to do so. i thought about how i was lucky to be in the comfort of my financially stable household, seemingly separated from the outside world and personally unaffected by the coronavirus. i have so much privilege in this moment that i shouldn’t be feeling such despair and instability. im stuck at home, with nothing to do but sit around on my laptop to attend online classes and try to find some hobbies to pass the time. even though everything else going in the world hangs in my mind like a grey cloud of concern, the biggest worry constantly invading my mind was just about what i had to eat. im sure youve heard ppl despair over the possibility of gaining weight by staying cooped up at home, unable to go outside or to the gym. in a house full of food, many of which are “fear foods” with long shelf lives, ive been battling the temptation to mindlessly binge on snacks all day. it’s also easy to opt out for restricting. for instance, when supplies are low at the store, you decide NOT to get that last loaf of bread, thinking someone else could use it more than you. by justifying that you dont need that food, it can become a cycle of justifying that you dont need any food. there’s also that feeling of guilt that arises when you do get the food, knowing full well it’s something that’ll just get purged. there are numerous experiences y’all have gone through and are (re)facing right now as a result of our present day. the pandemic has created circumstances in which new thoughts and anxieties provide a gateway to practicing disordered eating behaviors as a source of relief.

as a result of this quarantine climate, all these thoughts and expectations, many of which have resurfaced from the shame and guilt ive already felt for years, continued to build up. my concern over weight gain turned into fear, and i fell back into the vicious cycle of binging and purging.

thing is, nothing right now is normal. the moment we’re living in is beyond control. it’s natural to feel helpless. however, we can’t let that take over our lives. the “little” things we can contribute every day to help the cause (ie. social distancing, limiting going outside, being hygienic, showing appreciation to essential workers, keeping yourself and others informed, donating to groups, etc) can go a long way. you’re not helpless if you can do something to show your support. additionally, we don’t need to punish ourselves for the changes we’re experiencing. staying at home might mean we don’t move around as often, and that’s okay. you being hungry after sitting all day? also okay! all these are natural as we adjust to these lifestyle changes.

apologies i am late with this. for some, quarantine restrictions are easing up. however, pls continue to limit your outside excursions,practice social distancing and hygiene, and wear masks. times are ambiguous and cases are still very much present (and numbers continue to rise). in addition, social justice movements have experienced a recent surge. pls be safe and support your families, friends, and communities. we all deserve to be treated equally and need to stand up to oppressive systems in whatever ways we can. take time to educate yourselves and others, while maintaining a balance in order to not overwhelm yourselves and create more stress/anxiety. i know these ideas seem contradictory, but i know each of us have different thresholds for stress. find yours and develop healthy mechanisms to cope with them. reaching out is always the best option.

takeaways n important things to keep in mind or try (some of which you may have already heard before; however, sometimes we need a reminder):

-its okay to relapse. recovery is full of ups n downs, its not linear

-u dont have to earn the right to eat. ur body is communicating to you what it needs. if you’re confused over your hunger and satiety levels, which often happens due to changes in brain chemistry, maybe this guideline is helpful. it’s from one of my lectures in an eating disorders class i took last quarter. act according to your body’s physiological responses. if you’re hungry, please eat. if you’re about to go over your fullness levels, please stop yourself and do something else to distract you. maybe call a friend to hold yourself accountable. ik everything is easier said than done, and i struggle with this myself, but every thought and effort counts:

-limit your media use. sometimes watching the news all day or watching how others seem to be doing great in quarantine can trigger anxiety and disappointment. opt for enjoyable activities, learn something new, or meditate.

-try to eat regularly. 2-3 meals a day, with some snacks between. do not ignore your hunger cues. you might then become very hungry, which increases the likelihood of binging then purging.

-you’re not alone. many articles have been written about how quarantine has made a hard blow to everyone, especially those with need insecurities and/or mental illness. i encourage you to please reach out to any trusted individual in some way if you’re experiencing any challenges. refer to the bottom of this post for some links about having ed’s during the pandemic. seek covid relief and emergency funds if you are in need (here’s an informational website with grant resources in the US link)

-having said that, seek out a support system. therapists, support groups, etc have moved online. now is the time to join them, especially if you haven’t had time in the past. talk to friends and/or family when you can. be transparent with your needs.

-feel free to reblog with or comment any resources you may find helpful for others

there are definitely some viewpoints that i’ve missed, and i apologize if through this post i haven’t made you feel a part of this struggle when it’s something you also experience. i just want to say that every experience is valid, and they vary widely. eating disorders affect ANYONE. i wrote this mainly with my own experiences and observations in mind, and i’d love for you all to share your own stories. i want you to keep fighting through. i want you to see the end of this pandemic, to be able to go outside again and experience life to its fullest. all those plans you had but were forced to cancel? you can do them when things have become okay again. didnt have plans? make some so you have something to look forward to when this is over. you have to conquer this battle by putting your health first and realizing the danger you’re putting your body in when you engage in disordered eating. there’s so much waiting for you in the future. recovery is a long, hard journey that we’re reluctant to embark on at first. but i promise that nothing will feel as beautiful and relieving than when you live free from this toxic mindset. pls stay safe everyone. my heart goes out to you and all the different struggles you’re facing. we’re in this together.

thank you if you’ve read this and made it this far.

articles about ed’s during quarantine:

1 2 3 4 5

ms-marmar xx

#ana #ana recovery #mia #mia recovery #not pro just using tags #dont promote eds just using popular tags #ed #ednos #eds #binge eating disorder #binging and purging #eating disorders #eating disoder recovery #long post

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metalornothng-blog · 7 years

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Forming/Retaining Memories with Mental Disorders

First and foremost, I’d like to address something really interesting that I truly related to when I read it - RAPID CYCLING. What led me to this revelation of the concept “rapid cycling” was researching “What is Bipolar Disorder?” Now why would I be randomly wondering about BPD? Because I need answers and solutions to these horrible mood swings ruining my life and relationships. What does this half to do with memory? You’ll see.

I remember being diagnosed as a child with “rapid mood swings”- highs then lows swinging so fast they leave me dizzy and with spotty memory of what just occurred.. something as simple as my morning trip to Starbucks, posting an IG story ranting about something I find amusing, then taking a break to sit on the couch and *boom* mood swing I’m overanalyzing and being really hard on myself, suddenly unsure of what I'd even just said or done as if I’d been in some drunk frenzy. Sure if i think hard enough i know exactly the events of the day but sometimes i even confuse it with the day prior, or another day before that. It leaves me pretty disoriented most of the time.

So sure, that didn’t affect anyone but me but here is a perfect example of how these mood swings are affecting my relationships- I just finished a modeling job, I’m driving home in a great mood, and then *boom* here comes the negative thinking, the overanalyzing of my work, and the bad mood. And maybe that bad mood makes me lash out at my friends or family. Maybe I text all angrily for a good five minutes in my car in my garage and then I get out of the car and stand up and suddenly *boom* I’m fine. I no longer care and life goes on. But no one else is fine. My friend is left with all these angry words I didn’t even mean and honestly I’m pretty embarrassed that i have these weird outbursts that half the time aren’t things im rude enough to ever voice and i’d rather not remember so I don’t scroll back up and I block it out and I’m left thinking things are suddenly back to normal since I’M back to normal. This doesn’t only apply to cell phone interactions by the way it’s just a relatable example, but for you it could be yelling at your mom, saying hurtful things, slamming the door, taking a deep breath and suddenly walking back out trying to apologize.

So now here’s an example of how it affects me in daily life with people i DON’T know and that i’m TOO nice to (haha!) So, I’m leaving a modeling job, I’m in an ecstatic mood and I get to the counter to buy cigarettes and end up gushing to the cashier about the beautiful day and we get deep into conversation about cigarette prices and then my tattoos by now fifteen minutes has passed and he’s trying to give me his phone number and I’m immediately annoyed and discouraged and by the time I’m stomping out of the store I’m angrily muttering “can’t a girl just buy a pack of smokes? damn!” And instantly my good mood that spurred the conversation which confused the dude into thinking I was flirting has sailed out the window and I’m blaming myself and angry with the world. And as I overanalyze our fifteen minute conversation to figure out where I went wrong I realize I sounded like I was a full on tweaker babbling about sunshine and how wonderful Cali is and pouring out my life story to someone I’ll never see again. What. Just. Happened?!

What is rapid cycling?

“Rapid cycling is defined as four or more manic, hypomanic, or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. With rapid cycling, mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again, and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours. The person feels like he or she is on a roller coaster, with mood and energy changes that are out-of control and disabling. In some individuals, rapid cycling is characterized by severe irritability, anger, impulsivity, and uncontrollable outbursts. While the term “rapid cycling” may make it sound as if the episodes occur in regular cycles, episodes actually often follow a random pattern. Some patients with rapid cycling appear to experience true manic, mild manic, or depressive episodes that last only for a day. If there are four mood episodes within a month, it is called ultra-rapid cycling, and when several mood switches occur within a day, on several days during one week, it is called ultra-ultra-rapid, or ultradian cycling. Typically, however, someone who experiences such short mood swings has longer episodes as well. Some individuals experience rapid cycling at the beginning of their illness, but for the majority, rapid cycling begins gradually. Most individuals with bipolar disorder, in fact, experience shorter and more frequent episodes over time if their illness is not adequately treated. For most people, rapid cycling is a temporary occurrence. They may experience rapid cycling for a time, then return to a pattern of longer, less frequent episodes, or, in the best case, return to a stabilized mood with the help of treatment. A small number of individuals continue in a rapid cycling pattern indefinitely.” See: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=education_brochures_bipolar_disorder_rapid_cycling

So it sounds like I’ve figured out what these rapid mood swings are called and I feel better that there’s a name for it. And clearly other people are dealing with this too. This next paragraph hit home-

“Characteristics such as irritability, tendency to cry, racing thoughts or impulsiveness may cause social problems. Because people with bipolar disorder are often unfairly judged, they may lose opportunities to develop friendships or romantic involvement, or have trouble achieving their career goals. These struggles may contribute to self-esteem problems.”

So while I’m sitting here writing this I pulled open my text messages and saw one that said “Let’s go get our belly buttons pierced!” I remember writing it but I don’t even want a belly button ring. Perfect example of making impulsive decisions while rapid cycling. And because I just read it I remember it but I honestly had no memory of wanting to do that today. So yes, that definitely applies to me, but this but this doesn’t explain the MEMORY LOSS/BLOCK part of things which made me decide to search “Bipolar and Memories” which lead me to this eye-opening article:

“Of course, it’s common to engage in out-of-character behaviors while manic. I accept that. However, it’s much more difficult for me to accept the fact that I have absolutely no recollection of performing so many of these actions. I suspect there’s a lot more I don’t remember from that time period, as even five years later, I keep learning new things. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has said to me: “Do you remember when …” and I don’t. It’s as though someone has stolen my memories, and I don’t like the idea that such a thing is even possible. Memories aren’t like alarm clocks or artwork—you can’t just replace them.Coping with the reality of losing so much time and having done so many things (often highly embarrassing things) of which I have zero recall hasn’t been easy for me. I recognize that my amnesia may well be my mind’s way of protecting me from myself, from reliving painful events, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept." See: https://www.bphope.com/bipolar-disorder-missing-memories-i-did-what/

The article ended up with the author babbled about forgiveness and that people still love her. Good for you, I’m losing friends by the minute.

So I continue my search. So what I’ve gathered so far is that people with BPD experience rapid mood swings all day long just like me and people with BPD experience states of frenzy with memory loss (amnesia).

What is amnesia?

“Amnesia is a deficit in memory caused by brain damage, disease, or psychological trauma. Amnesia can also be caused temporarily by the use of various sedatives and hypnotic drugs. The memory can be either wholly or partially lost due to the extent of damage that was caused.[2] There are two main types of amnesia: retrograde amnesia and anterograde amnesia. Retrograde amnesia is the inability to retrieve information that was acquired before a particular date, usually the date of an accident or operation.[3] In some cases the memory loss can extend back decades, while in others the person may lose only a few months of memory. Anterograde amnesia is the inability to transfer new information from the short-term store into the long-term store. People with this type of amnesia cannot remember things for long periods of time. These two types are not mutually exclusive; both can occur simultaneously.” See:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amnesia

So maybe I have BPD and anterograde amnesia with a drop of retrograde because The best way to describe my memory would be snapshots- shorts clips but no seamless video footage. I can’t remember my child hood, I had several best friends in 7th grade and don’t know their names, they don’t even have bodies or faces in my memories. Entire years, schools, individuals- wiped out. Or even getting lunch with a friend two weeks ago seems like years ago. It hurts. It makes me feel heartless. I didn’t choose to be this way but if there was one thing I did that might have screwed me, it was learning how to block things out. My mom loved to scold me with this weird expression on her face of pursed lips and a finger wagging in front of my nose. I hated it so I’d tune her out and go somewhere else in my mind. I began to do this so much I eventually lost control of when to snap back from my happy place. My sweet mind trick on my mom turned into this full blown out mental disorder called “ADD.”

What is ADD?

Apparently “this is an outdated term. The term was once used to refer to someone who had trouble focusing but was not hyperactive.” OK cool so it’s ADHD now. Inattentive ADHD means a person shows enough symptoms of inattention (or easy distractibility) but isn’t hyperactive or impulsive.

For example- It got really bad in high school to the point that I’d be trying to listen to my friend’s story and she’d say a word that either sparked a memory of mine and I’d be so excited to share it I’d blurt it out and interrupt her because i literally didn’t even hear her talking anymore my memory was so loud and needed to resurrect itself from the dead. Everyone started to hate me because i came off as super obnoxious and spacey. I didn’t always interrupt, I’m actually pretty aware now and I apologize or manage to hold it in til the end. But THEN people probably think I’m just waiting for them to finish talking so I can talk about myself some more. And while that’s not true at all, it truly is hard to hear the rest of their story with mine pushing so hard to get out. Then I found this psychology study on ADHD and memory differences and the outcome:

“We know that these individuals with ADHD are just as capable in remembering information, but what is selected to be remembered could be an issue. The brain areas associated with planning, memory, and decision-making are also implicated in a number of other psychological disorders. Decisions about risk-taking, substance use, and other problematic behaviors may be impaired in children with ADHD compared to their non-ADHD counterparts. A recent analysis looking at the long term outcomes of children with ADHD found that as adolescents and adults, they are more likely to try smoking and marijuana, and more likely to develop substance abuse or depending on nicotine, marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, and other drugs.” See: https://www.psychologyinaction.org/psychology-in-action-1/2011/02/12/adhd-and-memory-differences-in-what-is-remembered

Oh did someone say substance abuse? Hello, it’s me! But more importantly, they mentioned selective memory.

“A study found that repressing these memories for long enough can lead to us erasing them completely. Using EEG scans, scientists noted the parts of volunteers' brains which became active when actively trying to forget something. They were also able to pinpoint the exact moment a memory is 'forgotten', and claim that long-term suppression of a memory is a sure fire way of permanently erasing it.

The study authors say that mastering the technique could be useful for people who suffer from depression or post traumatic stress disorder.

Mr Waldhauser, a researcher at Lund University, said "We know that 'forgotten' or repressed feelings often manifest themselves as physiological reactions.” See: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/8620360/Selective-memory-does-exist-say-scientists.html

So maybe my elite human brain is just protecting me... They did mention depression and PTSD.

“Depression has been linked to memory problems, such as forgetfulness or confusion. It can also make it difficult to focus on work or other tasks, make decisions, or think clearly. Stress and anxiety can also lead to poor memory.

Depression is associated with short-term memory loss. It doesn’t affect other types of memory, such as long-term memory and procedural memory, which controls motor skills.” See:https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/depression-and-memory-loss#outlook

Several reoccurring symptoms of PTSD include fearful thoughts, flashbacks and bad dreams. These symptoms can become problematic in a person’s life. Some of the avoidance symptoms include difficulty remembering the traumatic event and avoiding reminders of the experience, such as places, people and objects. Hyperarousal symptoms may also arise, such as feeling tense, being startled easily and having trouble sleeping. While it is normal to experience some of these symptoms after a terrible event, symptoms lasting more than a few weeks may be signs of PTSD.\Post-traumatic stress disorder causes short-term memory loss and can have long-term chronic psychological repercussions, according to the American Psychological Association (APA) and the NCBI. Fortunately, psychotherapeutic intervention and treatment can alleviate and often eliminate short-term and long-term effects of PTSD. See:https://www.psychguides.com/guides/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-symptoms-causes-and-effects/

#bipolar #bpd #mental illness #rapid cycling #memory loss #adhd

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notjustagirltattoopodcast · 4 years

Text

Not Just A Girl: New York

You can listen to the first episode with Anka Lavriv here. Or you can view the footage of this interview on YouTube with English subtitles/closed captions here.

NOT JUST A GIRL: Tattoo Podcast

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Season 1, Episode 2: New York

Eddy: [00:00:00] Hello friends. Welcome to not just to go the tattoo podcast where every week I will speak to socially conscious tattooers about their lives and art practice through an intersectional feminist lens. I'm Eddy and thank you for joining me for the second episode. Today we'll be discussing adapting to social change, meditation and self discovery in art and building a community around the tattoo studio.

Before we begin, I would like to acknowledge the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. Who are the traditional custodians of this land that was stolen and never ceded. I'm honored to be on the ancestral land of the Awabakal people where this podcast is recorded and produced. I pay my respects to the elders past and present and extend my recognition to their descendants.

[00:01:00] I am so excited to introduce today's guest Anka Lavriv. Um, she's incredibly talented and is the co owner of Black Iris in Brooklyn. Um, her ethereal illustrative, um, tattoos are magical and her approach to her practice is absolutely beautiful. I had the great pleasure of meeting Anka when I guested it in his studio last year, and thank you so much for joining me today.

Anka: [00:01:39] Thank you so much for inviting me. I'm so excited about it. I'm so psyched to see you. Um, cause we were supposed to be hanging out right around this happened, so sad.

Eddy: [00:01:52] I'm so sad I missed out. I wanted to try and get tattooed by you and hang out and

Anka: [00:01:59] It was good [00:02:00] to at least see you on here.

Eddy: [00:02:02] Yeah, yeah, definitely. So like. Obviously you're in the epicenter of the pandemic in the US um, how are you going and how has the studio going?

Anka: [00:02:15] It's been like such an up and down experience. I don't know. We're kind of taking it one day at a time, you know? Um, I. Personally thought that I was going to be handling this crisis better than I am. And that was kind of like a humbling experience for me. Cause I'm always like, I'm so good in crisis. Like, you know, I figure it out and um, this really like knocked me on my ass. I was, especially the first couple of weeks I like right when we got locked out. We, um, got Corona and it was like such a horrible experience.

So when my fever broke and I came back [00:03:00] to reality, I was like, everything hit me at the same time. I just like had a complete melt down and. Yeah, it's been, ever since it's been like one day I'm just like, everything's great. Like we're going to figure it out. Like world is going to be a better place, and the next day I'm just like we're fucked.

Eddy: [00:03:24] It's all part of the grieving process though. Hey, like it's completely new and you've had everything kind of ripped away from you, like the world that we know and yeah, there's definitely like processing the loss. Like it's, it's, it would be weird, if we would just all okay with it.

Anka: [00:03:42] Yeah. It's just, I feel like for everyone this time is bringing up like the deepest oldest trauma and fears and, you know, all of this stuff is surfacing and hopefully we can deal with it finally. [00:04:00] Cause. Chances are we never properly dealt with it and recognized it and like, you know, ascended from, hopefully... it's been an experience for sure. Being here and just like seeing these images of New York empty and, you know, going to the grocery store and seeing all the businesses close, like the empty neighborhoods, people wearing masks. It's just like such a, such a strange sight.

Eddy: [00:04:36] Yeah. It's definitely not what you imagine the year is going to be. And then it's also just not what you imagine. Like how we react to things like, I dunno, I didn't think this was ever something I considered as being a possibility.

Anka: [00:04:53] No, it's, it's wild. Um, I'm convinced that by the end of 2020, uh, the [00:05:00] aliens will attck a hundred percent sure seems like a logical conclusion to 2020.

Eddy: [00:05:10] Shits just gone out of control.

Anka: [00:05:14] Yeah. Like who would have ever thought that all the like traveling will stop?

Eddy: [00:05:20] Yeah.

Anka: [00:05:20] Just that. Was such a such a part of everyone's life, like, yeah, it's wherever you look. You know? The changes are just so wild.

Eddy: [00:05:35] Yeah. It's, it's, it's funny you were talking about like how this experience is an opportunity to heal because I remember you posting on Instagram, I think it was before all this, how you wanted to like explore your art, making more and do more healing through that. And then all of this has just happened,

Anka: [00:05:57] Like not to make this about myself, but [00:06:00] this is like the perfect illustration of my whole life. I'm just like, let me do this thing. And then I just like get swept away in a tornado.

Sorry thats not what I meant. So I turned 33. Last year and for for this year for me was like, I was like, that's it. Like I woke up in the morning, I always tried to go somewhere where I can be around like a big body of water for my birthday and I wake up early, I go to see the sunset and like set intentions for the year, and I was like, this year I'm like, shedding all the llike skin and things that are untrue things that don't belong to me. Like I want to get back to like who I really am. And you know, it was like the universe definitely heard me.

It's been a lot of [00:07:00] shedding for sure. Um, but this was like such a, i feel like. It's been such a culmination of this because I, I've never in my life had an opportunity to just be and live and not do anything and stop like in my adult life, like never ever. So it's been a lot of thinking, a lot of reading, a lot of like writing, putting things together because, I don't know, I just feel like we all took a like a hard look at our lives and I don't know, for me, like being able to step away from my like daily routine and the hamster wheel and just like, you know, more rents, more money, more expenses, and just be like. What do you really want? Like how do you see your ideal existence?

Like what are you [00:08:00] chasing? Why are you so like obsessed with like doing more and more and more like. I don't know, it like really revealed so much for me personally, even though it's been very painful.

Eddy: [00:08:12] Yeah. I feel like, I mean, even though my situation in Australia is much easier than what you're experiencing in the US like its very much the same here, like an opportunity to really, you know, while I have the privilege of a comfortable home and food on the table and all of that, like I can really just like shed my expectations and reassess what's important to me and kind of discover a new way of life that's more comfortable and more healthy and that is not going to end up with me in agony and unable to work in 10 years time.

Anka: [00:08:47] Yeah. Yeah, because it's just like, it's just a part of, you know, this culture, the hostile culture, and just like, you have to do more and, you know, [00:09:00] never sleep. Never rest. Just like go, go, go, go. And like, that's not how life works. Like you have to. You have to go through the cycles, you have to give and you have to receive and you have to like be awake and then goes to sleep. Like just

Eddy: [00:09:16] Absolutely its very toxic like this way of life I've become accustomed to. And I think for me, like just sitting at home with my cats and watching them, like they do things when they want to. They rest when they need to. They eat if they're hungry. I was just kinda like, why can't, I know its stupid, but why can't I live like a cat?

Anka: [00:09:36] That's so funny you said that because I was thinking the same thing. I was like, no. When you scratch them and they don't want to be scratched anymore, they just turn away from you. They're like, I'm done. I do not enjoy that im leaving.

So it's been really eye opening for me. I, you [00:10:00] know, I was supposed to go to back home for a while and my sister and I were planned this whole trip. We were supposed to go to Budapest and like do all this cool stuff. Like I spend one week with my sister in the past 14 years.

Eddy: [00:10:18] Wow.

Anka: [00:10:19] So I was really looking forward to it, and it was so heartbreaking to just like cancel everything, but

Eddy: [00:10:29] Oh, I'm so sorry. That would have been hard.

Anka: [00:10:32] Yeah. And the other thing is the crap with immigration. You know, it's just like doing all this stuff with green cards, but it's, again, you know, it's, it's making me think maybe its not, you know, I'm not meant to live here for forever. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.

Eddy: [00:10:52] Things might change, you never know.

Anka: [00:10:55] I hope so. Yeah. I really hope so.

Eddy: [00:10:58] Yeah. So will [00:11:00] you, for our listeners, like you were born and grew up in Ukraine? Um, yeah. And that like must have really impacted how you experience life, especially in the US like having such a different background and also like being more adaptable and stuff. Cause you mentioned that you did experience poverty as a child as well.

Anka: [00:11:24] So I was born like three years, four years before Soviet union, disassembled. And you know. I actually like talking to my parents helped me a lot to deal with what's going on right now because they were in the situation where they had like two youngkids. They're everything they knew in life, just like broke and you know the belief system, the like just, it just collapsed and they had to [00:12:00] pick up the pieces.

Like. You know, all I remember from my childhood is like standing in line with my mom all the time for like to buy bread or like milk or whatever. Yeah. And we didn't have money for a couple of years because you know, the Soviet currency was obviously done, but we didn't have our own currency. So we had these, like the temporary money that was called coupons, and like a loaf of bread costs like 2 million coupons. It was just like, so insane.

Eddy: [00:12:38] That is insane

Anka: [00:12:40] Yeah.

Eddy: [00:12:41] It must be confronting like seeing people complaining about not being able to go to a hairdresser when you're like, um, I couldn't buy bread.

Anka: [00:12:49] Yeah. So, but, you know, it's like I didn't know any other way of life, so it was just like, and honestly, like most people were in the same boat. Um, but. [00:13:00] I find it so interesting that, you know, like in Soviet union it was all about kind of, you know, theoretically it was about equality and everyone having the same amount. And, and then once it all collapsed, it was just complete madness. Like people were just like murdering each other for money and yeah, it was like, yeah, human nature, like

Eddy: [00:13:26] Humans.

Anka: [00:13:28] It comes through no matter what. Um, yeah, but. It is very, it's very different here. It took me a while to get used to it. I've always loved New York and I don't think that I would have stayed here if I wasn't in New York. Cause when I first moved to US, I was in ocean city, Maryland and it wasn't my favorite place, it was a strange place to be [00:14:00] when you first get here.

Um, but then they came to me. I was supposed to go home and I came to New York for two weeks to see a friend, and I was like, I'm not going anywhere. And went and threw my tickets and stayed. And like, that's the shit that you do when you're 19.

Eddy: [00:14:23] It seems like such an amazing city to be in though if you are creative because of the possibilities around you and like all of the different cultures coming together and just the art world in general is really, it seems to be really celebrated there.

Anka: [00:14:38] The diversity like was so it was like my favorite thing because I did not experience that at home at all. But like now things are different, but not when I was growing up, it was just. You know, we had like people from peace Corps come and like we were like all going at them, like wow [00:15:00] Americans such a such a site. Yeah. So I really do appreciate this aspect of living here. And just. I dunno. I felt like, and I still do sometimes when I go places like you feel though kind of the wall of people treating you differently when you're from somewhere else. And in New York, I, I never really experienced that because everyone's pretty much from somewhere else.

And like I worked at a Mexican restaurant for many years and it was just like. You know, so many different people from so many backgrounds and everyone is just like getting along and doing this crazy thing like this, you know, high pressure, like really weird and nothing like being a bartender in New York [00:16:00] city. It was like a bootcamp of life

Eddy: [00:16:06] That's such a good way to put it. That's what I found fascinating about New York as well, because I live in quite a small city in Australia and it's very like working class white like. You know, we're a bunch of colonizers here and there's not a lot of diversity. And yeah. So when I came to New York and I was hearing all of these different languages and seeing all of this different cultural dress as well, being adapted into modern fashion, and it was fucking amazing and beautiful and fascinating. And also like seeing the museums and galleries having more diversity in like what they were displaying as well, rather than just everything by old white men.

Anka: [00:16:48] I got here and I was like, how am I supposed to like un-see this and unexperience this and just go back to like the same old lifestyle? I was like, I can't, I'm corrupted [00:17:00] right now. I can not leave. I remember the moment when I was walking on the Brooklyn bridge for the first time and I was like. That's it. Like I can't do anything about this. Like I have to stay here.

Eddy: [00:17:17] That's so good. Did you start tattooing in New York?

Anka: [00:17:21] I just started tattooing back home, actually. I started tattooing when I was 15

Eddy: [00:17:26] Oh wow.

Anka: [00:17:28] I always have been like obsessed with the idea and I really don't remember where I got the the idea in my head because that's not something I was around. It's not something that was like very developed at the time where I'm from and I just had these like little flash sheets and I would like draw on my friends and my neighborhood and then like.

When I turned 15 my dad was like, okay, you have to like stop asking me [00:18:00] for money and you have to go get a job. Like, what do you want to do? And I was like, I want to be a tattoo artist. And like, my dad asked his friend to teach me how to, yeah. Like I didn't appreciate it at the time, you know? And now I'm just like, this is really cool.

Eddy: [00:18:17] Thats awesome

Anka: [00:18:20] And, uh, like. I talked to so many clients who are like oh man and I'm like almost 40 and my mom still doesn't know I have tattoos and I'm just like, that makes me really appreciate like how cool my parents were.

Eddy: [00:18:40] That's so cool,

Anka: [00:18:42] Yeah. So I got my apprenticeship. I like literally my first day ever of my apprenticeship. I was supposed to just sit there and watch the guy and like, you know, clean the studio and stuff and his client didn't show up. And the guy [00:19:00] was like, all right, get, take the machine and like, go over my old tattoo. Like I have never seen a tattoo machine in real life. Like,

Eddy: [00:19:10] Wow

Anka: [00:19:10] I, completely blacked out. Like I just don't remember anything about it. The first day of my apprenticeship

Eddy: [00:19:21] That is amazing.

Anka: [00:19:23] It was like, you know, we were like soldering needles, like it was very, very different. And I'm sure it was very unsanitary because they had some like autoclaves, but they were like a million years old. Yeah.

Eddy: [00:19:41] That's really cool that you got to experience, I guess, that old world of tattooing like,

Anka: [00:19:47] Yeah.

Eddy: [00:19:48] Before this, like new age brought in by social media where everything's kind of changed and you just buy things in packets now and like, actually the person was smoldering needles. I've only done it once, but it's really [00:20:00] incredible.

Anka: [00:20:01] And, um, we went to get me a license to some guy's place and he was like, you know, it's gonna be this much money. And like, I gave him the money and he just like, wrote this like license for me. Like completed this training. It was just like everything was just such bullshit because it was a very different in Ukraine and yeah you can pretty much buy yoursef whatever you want, definitely a very unconventional story.

Eddy: [00:20:42] I love it

Anka: [00:20:43] But then we're like, I started college and I was like practicing on all my college friends and yeah. And then I moved here and I fell out [00:21:00] of it for a long time cause it was, you know, things are a little different here. Yeah. So, you know, it took me a while to get back to it. Like a long while, but I, I've always drawn, I always made art work and I actually started showing around Brooklyn, Manhattan and like getting invited into like a bunch of art shows and that's how people were like well, you know, she can draw, so how bad can she be at tattooing? And they was like, let me practice on them.

Eddy: [00:21:37] That's awesome. It's cool that you had the opportunity to establish yourself as an artist first. Like I think that that sometimes gives you a much stronger foundation to build a career upon. Like

Anka: [00:21:49] I still think that I still, like for me, I'm an artist first. And tattooing is just like a medium and like a way [00:22:00] of life that I'm super grateful for, but it's kind of always like second for me.

Eddy: [00:22:08] Yeah. I think that. That's a good thing in a lot of ways though, because that means your focus is on good design and beautiful art rather than making money. Sometimes people who are just tattooers by trade, like their focus is so different,

Anka: [00:22:25] But like even saying this, like making me sweaty, somebody is listening. But if its how I feel. Trying to be honest.

Eddy: [00:22:43] I had, um, how did you come to the point where you were using, like the imagery you use its like, it's very powerful, like you see a lot of goddesses represented in your work and stuff. Is that like a cultural thing or is that a personal thing? Like what's kind of [00:23:00] informed that subject matter.

Anka: [00:23:02] So it's definitely a personal thing. And, um, I usually, like, my process is usually like when I work on like bigger drawings is that like, I get the imagery from, from meditation basically. And I just get these kind of like flashing images of like how the layout is going to be and I like quickly draw it out. And at this point I kind of, you know, and I, I just know that like, if I try to like come up with something, it just, it doesn't feel right.

But when I, like when it comes to me, like it's always super smooth the process of like putting it out there. So, yeah, I do a lot of meditation and it like absolutely changed my life for so much better in every possible way and just kind of [00:24:00] like tuning into this, like, I don't want to say channeling because it's not channeling, but it's just like letting letting the process come to you versus like trying to squeeze something out because I'm sure every artist can relate to the feeling of, you know, being like come on, let's, let's create something awesome and you're just sitting there frustrated at the white page.

Eddy: [00:24:30] Absolutely, it probably what makes your work so unique and authentic? The fact that it. Literally just flowing from you and you just, you're just like this vessel to like express whatever's coming through you and you're giving it a space. That's, that's like very powerful.

Anka: [00:24:49] It took a really long time to like tune into it because I I have like a complex of like, Oh, I don't have art education. [00:25:00] So I felt like really inferior for like imposter syndrome as we always, like, we all have, I'm sure. Um, and I would look at my work that looked like my work and I didn't want it to look like my work. I wanted it to look like something that I thought was better and I would just like get so frustrated.

Like, why? Why is it like this? Like why does it look like this? And until I started appreciating that, like, you know, this is how you do it. Like you can change it. You can try different ways where you always go back to that specific style. Um, like things got so much better for me.

Eddy: [00:25:48] Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. Cause I've always been like a big believer in, if you just do what feels right for you and what feels natural then there's the space for everyone. Like we don't have to [00:26:00] compete, and you just get to be yourself and you get to enjoy the process of art making more and it it contributes in a much more positive way to the world.

Anka: [00:26:09] But I think to get to that, to be able to just let this expression fully come, like you have to work through so much, so much to learn and

Eddy: [00:26:20] That's something I struggle with

Anka: [00:26:22] So many layers of crap and like capitalistic shit. And you know, it's like I've only gotten there through doing like really a huge amount of inner work.

Eddy: [00:26:36] Yeah. Cause we're conditioned to hate ourselves and to be numb so that we just follow and do what we're told. But actually like acknowledging yourself and looking at how you feel and processing it, that is a very difficult thing to do.

Anka: [00:26:51] Yeah. And I like have been pretty like, you know, in hindsight, like I look back at my life and I'm just like. Whoa, [00:27:00] you really did whatever you wanted then. You know? Like when I was like, I'm staying here, and my parents were like, what are you talking about? Like you are 19 years old, just turned 19 like you don't have any money or any friends. Like, and that was just like, no, I feel it in my gut that I like, this is where I have to be.

And you know, you do a lot of this and like some of the decisions look very like bad at the moment, but over time you're like, Whoa, like really kind of, I don't even know what I'm trying to say, but I'm trying to say that like I've kind of trained myself to follow like that instinct, you know, when you just feel like something is right and like you have to act on it. Like even though it looks. Like kind of crazy.

Eddy: [00:27:58] Yeah. That's awesome.

[00:28:00] Anka: [00:28:00] And I think it's same thing in, in like following your voice in any kind of artwork.

Eddy: [00:28:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you, I mean, you take that kind of approach with your customers as well. Like your whole process is very like, I guess, spiritual or ritualistic like, so to speak, like, um, you know, how do you, how do you go about like, giving your customers an experience like, like that where they're able to help channel themselves into what they're getting tattooed by you?

Anka: [00:28:36] I think like our job is such a unique opportunity to connect with people on like such deep level, like right off the bat. Sometimes I like to ease the tension I like sometimes talk to people about how absurd this is that you like, come to someone that you've never met and you were like, hi, nice to meet you. Like I'm going to shave you now [00:29:00] poke you with needles for awhile and then you'll pay me or it

Eddy: [00:29:07] Next level.

Anka: [00:29:09] It's crazy. And like sometimes I just block it out because when you start thinking about it, it's it's unbelievable. Truly, you know, but I, I'm so happy that I get to do this because the genuine experiences that you have with people is like nothing else I can think of.

Eddy: [00:29:33] Yeah.

Anka: [00:29:33] And you know, people just like tell you. Things that are so personal, and I'm actually like, I hate small talk. I was a bartender for 10 years and I had to do so much small talk that I just cannot even, I can't, I cannot stand being like the weather is good.

Eddy: [00:29:58] Get to the deep stuff, Tell [00:30:00] me what your soul says

Anka: [00:30:02] Like. I do not mind. When people will share like really personal stuff with me. Like, you know, it goes into like another territory where you have to set boundaries for yourself. Because I started getting to the point where I was like, I, I love connecting with my clients. I love talking about the deep stuff. But at the end of the day, I feel like I got run over by the truck and because I am an empathetic person and I like really take everything to heart. And I didn't even realize how much it like built up in me until this time where we can just like sit home and donothing and think about our lives. And I was like, wow. Like I didn't realize how tired I was. And like, not so much so [00:31:00] physically, but. Emotionally.

Eddy: [00:31:02] Yeah.

Anka: [00:31:04] Like sometimes just sit here and like stare at the wall for like an hour and then like, I dunno, it's just like hits me like the level of of exhaustion that was there and I didn't even know.

Eddy: [00:31:20] We do so much emotional labor in our tattooing that like it does, it does take a huge hit. Like on our bodies.

Anka: [00:31:31] It's the trap where you're like, well, you know, I love what I do. I love my clients. I love, and you feel guilty admitting to yourself that like, maybe I need help or maybe I need rest. And you just like keep calling yourself. Oh, well you're just being ungrateful. Or you know, whatever. You were like being a brat. Like at least I do that. And you know, I worked enough shitty jobs for [00:32:00] years that just like made me hate my life, be so depressed and like I just never wanted to do anything else. Like, honestly, I try not like a huge broad spectrum of jobs, but like, enough different fields to just like say, I don't want to do anything else.

Eddy: [00:32:23] Yeah. Yeah. I'm the same. I think when you're a creative, like and you're not doing something that's in that ballpark. It's life is very miserable.

Anka: [00:32:34] Yeah. But then you know, you have to find a way to like recognize that you're a person too, and sometimes you need a break and. Like, I'm so amazed that like, you know, we have so many guests now and meeting a couple of people who are truly like, yeah, you know, I go and they work for like a month and then I [00:33:00] go away for three months and I rest. Its a dream

Eddy: [00:33:06] It doesn't occur to you that that's actually a possibility and that it's okay to rest.

Anka: [00:33:11] Like, why not? You know, we like this, this illusion that we're not in control of our lives and our schedules, like I still have the mindset of working for someone, even though I'm working for myself, and I always used to say like if I worked for myself, I would be so chilling all the time. And I'm like, I'm the meanest boss I've ever had. It's just like. Maybe it's time to look like what's beneath this, like, you know?

Eddy: [00:33:55] Yeah.

Anka: [00:33:56] And just like do learn to be kinder to ourselves. [00:34:00] I don't know,

Eddy: [00:34:04] Theres a lot of things to unlearn there.

Anka: [00:34:08] And for me personally, when I'm not kind to myself and the like overworked and cranky. And when someone's complaining about it, I'm like, Oh, whatever. Like you don't need to work that hard. You know? Like I stop myself and I'm like, Oh, like talking, like who's saying those things

Eddy: [00:34:30] We, we do start to judge other people through that nasty lens that like we apply to our own lives and it's very, very toxic and

Anka: [00:34:40] Yeah. How much have you produced?

Eddy: [00:34:45] Yeah. I hate that. Like we don't have to produce anything. It's okay to sit on your ass like there's other ways to contribute to society as well. I think just kindness and love and there's [00:35:00] other ways to contribute without having to make money and

Anka: [00:35:03] Yeah

Eddy: [00:35:04] Like working.

Anka: [00:35:06] Yeah. And I've been, I've had so many realizations during this time, you know, on like what really drives me here. And i, you know, like if it's not oversharing, I have been sober for four and a half years now, and that is something that I never thought that I was going to be able to pull off.

Eddy: [00:35:33] That's amazing.

Anka: [00:35:35] Thank you. Um, so proud, cause you know, it's been like a really, really long road for me and changed my life completely. But it was so much stuff was not processed and it's still not, and just like when [00:36:00] you live your life a certain way and then you can't do your usual coping mechanism anymore, like lots of things come up and you react to things in a way where you just like explode over, nothing, you know? And you're just like, what am I doing this?

And it's, it's just because you, you don't have your crutch anymore. You can't, you know, you can't just like check out or numb out. You have to actually go through the painful experiences. And I've been having like a lot of things from like the residue from that come up in this time. And just like the way I'm able to deal with things as a sober person is so much better.

Eddy: [00:36:53] That's amazing.

Anka: [00:36:54] And again, you know, just like meditating on things and being able [00:37:00] to separate yourself from like this part of you that's like freaking out and being able to. Like almost have a conversation with it and be like, what do you need? You know, what are you missing right now? Like what? What really is the problem? It's not really that email thats making you jump out of your skin.

Eddy: [00:37:22] That like internal self-parenting where you've just got to calm yourself down and be like it's ok, what's the next thing

Anka: [00:37:30] With dealing with clients so much? Cause I, I used to, like when I first started, I would like let myself get like, cranky with someone if they would, you know, not act the way I wanted. And, uh, yeah. So the past couple of years, my view on it changed so much and I'm just like. You do what you need to do. If someone's driving you [00:38:00] crazy, you go to the bathroom, scream in the roll of toilet paper.

But like because this, like, I feel like when you get tattooed, like it's such a hyper hightened experience. It's such a like hightened state. You have to be so aware of what you're saying, how you're acting, because like the smallest thing that's so insignificant to, you can set someone off like set off their, their past trauma or you know, you just have to be so careful. And then that's all they remember about their experience, no matter how amazing the tattoo is.

Eddy: [00:38:43] Yeah. And sometimes when like people's trauma is triggered during a tattoo, they can associate that trauma then with the tattoo that they have to look at on the skin every day and that it can really like compact the trauma for them. And [00:39:00] like we have, even though tattooing is not essential, so to speak, we do have a much more important role in people's lives than we realize and we have a lot more responsibility to to be cautious with how we treat people and to be more considerate and empathetic.

Anka: [00:39:21] Yeah, absolutely. It is. I don't know. You know, for me, it's, I take it as a huge responsibility because you are with the person in a very vulnerable moment for one reason or another. And that's why I think it's so damaging and toxic to just perpetuate this culture where like, just suck it up. Just lay there, you know, just shut up and sit there. Who needs this? We all have enough trauma already. Like we don't need more.

Eddy: [00:39:55] Absolutely.

Anka: [00:39:55] We dont need to be paying for an experience that's going to traumatize us.

[00:40:00] Eddy: [00:40:00] And there's lots of little things we can do to help our client have a better experience. Like I, I play music that's got like a softer beat, so that brings the heart rate down a bit, you know, keep them hydrated, you know, do everything I can to relax their body, offer them more pillows, you know, like,

Anka: [00:40:18] Yeah, absolutely.

Eddy: [00:40:20] If we're not always able to be there emotionally for our customers, like it makes sense to them. That way we can still do other things to make their experience better

Anka: [00:40:31] I always feel so happy when people say like, wow, like your space is so welcoming and they, I just feel so relieved like to me it's the biggest compliment because I get really uncomfortable where it's like crazy music blasting and like everyone's just like screaming on top of their lungs. Like I have like really shot nervous system after like so many years working in nightlife, so everything that's [00:41:00] like really, like, I can't even go to the shows anymore because it's just like, it honestly scares me and theyre not always the best environment. Yeah. I'm like so hypersensitive to everything that's like, I need it to be a serene environment.

Eddy: [00:41:23] You can, you can tell that the minute you walk into Black Iris, like it's so warm and welcoming, like the plants everywhere, the artwork, like on the walls, on the floor even the whole environment is like, I felt instantly comfortable there. And like when I arrived in New York, we'd had a hell of a time getting there driving from, um, Salem. We got stuck in a snowstorm. We were having the worst time and we rocked up to get tattooed at Black iris before my guest spot. But, and we will like on the verge of what felt like a breakdown. Like we just wanted to cry. [00:42:00] And then we got there. And I think if we hadn't had that experience in the studio and felt so safe and comfortable. I think it would have changed our entire holiday in New York.

Anka: [00:42:10] That means a lot

Eddy: [00:42:12] Yeah, it was. It's honestly one of the most incredible studios I've ever been in.

Anka: [00:42:16] Thank you. Johno and I like really put a lot of thought into how the space should be, and I think because we do a lot of community events, like I think that contributes to just like the general feel of it. Uh, cause that is like hands down my favorite thing about the studio, just having classes and events and meditation circles and you know, even people who don't want to get tattoos, like they can participate and they can be a part of the space. And um, it, like the community that it created is absolutely [00:43:00] incredible.

Eddy: [00:43:00] Yeah, and I mean community is really so much more important than I think we grew up realizing like in capitalist countries like the US and Australia with very individualistic, but when you kind of figure out how important community is, and you start to create one and create one in such a positive way, like you guys have, like what that does, not just for yourself, but for everyone around you is invaluable.

Anka: [00:43:28] I really think like, honestly, this is the only thing that like truly matters, because I'm like, this is the only thing that you can contribute to as like a regular person, not like a billionaire and see immediate result, like coming back to you. And that will like encourage you to, to put more effort into your community because you know, like, we feel so helpless by reading the news, everything is like, like we're all [00:44:00] attacked with these like huge problems that just make us feel paralyzed and make us feel helpless. And you know, you're like, I'm just a little guy like how can I, and it makes me think of Lord Of The Rings. It's like how can I stand in the face of the great evil like I'm nothing I'm a spec.

But when you make a change in your community or you know, you contribute in some way, where. People say that like, wow, this really helped me. Or, you know, it really changed my perspective. Or, you know, I just feel like I have a place to go to now. Like we had a person who said like, I just moved here and I don't know anyone. They felt really depressed. But now we can just come to these events and feel like I have friends and you know, I feel like home. So and I was [00:45:00] like ahh youre going to make me cry

Eddy: [00:45:02] I feel like thats success for me.

Anka: [00:45:06] It's powerful

Eddy: [00:45:06] That's a marker of success when you've like been able to have a positive impact on someone else's life. That's just, that's the greatest thing we can ever hope to do.

Anka: [00:45:16] It's true. And it's not like. Instagram followers or you know, like, of course, you know, it's a great tool to use as a way to reach more people and make contacts. And, but when you, when you put so much value in it, like it's, it doesn't mean anything. You need to nurture the real connections. And until I'm saying this to myself, first and foremost, you know, I'm not trying to preach like I'm still figuring this out for myself. Like don't put your energy in there. Like I'm obviously grateful for [00:46:00] that aspect and that I have a platform, but the only thing that really matters is people that are around you.

Eddy: [00:46:10] Yeah, absolutely.

Anka: [00:46:14] Yeah. You know what I mean?

Eddy: [00:46:16] Yeah. And we're so lucky to have that, like to have those people who, who do reach out and who do get involved and who do participate like, yeah. It just, it's a sad world when you see people who, who don't realize what they've got around them or who don't have respect or gratitude for it. Yeah, we are very lucky.

Anka: [00:46:41] Super lucky. I still, I can't believe it, you know, like where I came from and my life now, it's like, Whoa. You know, my parents came to visit me three times now and they were just like, you know, they were like, you have a space [00:47:00] in New York like crazy. And. Yeah. It's like when I look at Google maps and I see it, I'm still like,

Eddy: [00:47:12] That's so amazing.

Anka: [00:47:14] It's such an amazing experience,but I feel like, you know, like I got. I got the, like my dream came true, hands down like better than I could ever imagine. And, but I feel like I serve the space. Like this space is not for me to just be like, you know, be power tripping or walking around thing like I'm a business owner or whatever. It's like. I have like two needs, a sacred space and like I'm there to take care of the space and I'm there to like watch our artists grow and [00:48:00] be able to like facilitate these workshops.

Eddy: [00:48:03] You're a custodian rather than an owner.

Anka: [00:48:07] Yeah. Yeah.

Eddy: [00:48:08] That's fantastic

Anka: [00:48:09] It's an amazing experience. I will always be forever grateful for it.

Eddy: [00:48:16] Yeah. Do you guys have like, like you and Johno have any like kind of ideas or plans on how you're going to move forward, like after all of the madness has settled?

Anka: [00:48:29] I'm not sure yet because we're kind of like taking it month by month. Like, you know, we're still paying the rent and basically just like paying it up with our own money.

Eddy: [00:48:41] Wow.

Anka: [00:48:41] So, yeah, but you know, it's really hard to say, cause we just don't know how long this is gonna last and from what I understand, New York put tattoo shops in like [00:49:00] phase four reopening. So there is one is going to happen on May 15th so it might still be a while. Yeah, so like it's kind of like a time of where we just have to sit and wait and see what happens. But I really, I, I have confidence that we can pull through.

Eddy: [00:49:24] Yeah, absolutely. And I think, you know, sometimes when it does get hard and you reach out to the community, they will be there to help you get through if it comes to that anyway.

Anka: [00:49:36] Right. Yeah. But you know, at the same time. I just got to, I was like freaking out for so long and now I just kinda got to the point where I'm like, you know, whatever happens, happens. If we can't keep the business in this space, we'll just start in a new space. Like, you know, we have the [00:50:00] community, so

Eddy: [00:50:00] Absolutely, and you'll, you'll adapt.

You've adapted a million times before.

Anka: [00:50:07] For sure

Eddy: [00:50:10] Oh, that's so cool. Well, I might wrap it up there, but like it's been so amazing to speak to you and hear your story and I always, I really love your approach to tattooing and your studio and your clients. It's always a joy to see on social media and when I've got to talk to you as well.

Anka: [00:50:31] I think it's just like, I don't know if we still have time, but I really, really, really do think that we have to all approach it from, from like the, the real place, you know, not just to seem cool on the internet or for money. It's, it has to, it has to come from the right place because you, you are changing people's bodies [00:51:00] forever. Like that's a great responsibility. I don't know. I feel like we all have to remind that to ourselves all the time.

Eddy: [00:51:12] Yeah, definitely, absolutely. Well, um, this footage will be on YouTube for our listeners to watch later. So, um like for all of our listeners, you can head over to YouTube. Um, I'll put all of the like information, like how to find Anka and Black Iris in the show notes. Um, you can follow our Instagram. Uh, not just a girl underscore tattoo. Um. You know, please subscribe, follow, and share. Um, you know, let's spread the love for tattooing and for the amazing artists that we get to speak to.

Um, thank you so much, Anka, it's been so, so amazing talking to you and thank you to everyone who listened. Um, we really, really [00:52:00] appreciate it. Um, we hope you have a wonderful day and be kind to each other.

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no-flibbertigibbet · 6 years

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Whatever You Need, There’s An App For That

With technology as the ruling force in our lives, we’re always in-the-know about all the coolest trends and the latest apps. As women who have to multi-task day in and day out to run households, handle office affairs and maintain the semblance of a social life, any technological advancement that aids and assists in making our lives simpler is automatically a Godsend. Luckily for us, there’s a plethora of new apps out there that are created specifically to make going on with our daily lives a cinch.

Here are my favourite apps/websites that I browse use practically every single day:

1. Uber – Combine the difficulty in getting a kaali peeli at rush hour (or any hour for that matter) in Mumbai and my inability to drive and any app that transports me comfortably and inexpensively from one place to another goes right up on my list. Enter Uber. TBH, I prefer the UX of the app, their cars and their drivers (haven’t had a bad experience yet) to any other taxi service and though they don’t have any exceptional distinguishing feature, I’m an Uber loyalist.

2. Swiggy – From ordering lunch at work on the days I don’t have (or particularly like) my dabba to my midnight cravings, Swiggy is my go-to. I’ve had terrible experiences with other food delivery apps including last-minute cancellations, ridiculously long delivery times and just downright bad service. However, it’s been so far so good with Swiggy. And now they’ve added Swiggy Pop with its assorted range of cheaper than menu price dishes. Sold!

3. Nykaa – It’s got over 1500 brands, including some of the best international ones, and an incomparable range of products across categories like makeup, skincare, hair care, appliances, fragrances and even stuff for men. And they deliver pretty much anywhere in the country in about 3 days tops. For those of you who like to read and learn about the world of beauty, they have a YouTube channel, an online beauty magazine and even their very own social network.

4. StyleNook – While I would have generally picked a more known ecommerce website, I’ve been hooked on StyleNook ever since I discovered it a year and a half ago. Fill out a style profile with your preferences, your sizes and your budget, and get a curated box with 5 specially handpicked items to suit your taste delivered to your doorstep. Try it all on in the comfort of your own home, pay ONLY for what you choose to keep and return the rest. It’s like ordering yourself a fun surprise every now and then – exciting and remarkably simple.

5. Flipboard – It’s important to keep up with all the latest goings-on in the world, be it in the fields of entertainment, science, politics or economics. However, with so many different means of consuming the abundance of information out there, it becomes quite the task to keep up. That’s where Flipboard comes in. Simply choose the topics you’re interested in and Flipboard creates a curate magazine for each. Flip through these stories, read them in detail or even curate your own magazine – this award-winning app has an easy-to-use interface that really manages to keep you on top of your game.

Apps/websites that came close but didn’t quit make the cut

1. Period Tracker, My Calendar – It’s a fun way to keep a track on your menstrual cycle but if you’re like clockwork and don’t need an app to know your dates, this one doesn’t make the cut.

2. Evernote – I used to love this app to make notes and often used it as my own personal diary, but it’s started to hang and keeps prompting me to get the paid premium version. Umm, no thanks.

3. Duolingo – A language learning app that is great to pick up on the spoken basics of a multitude of languages. However, it’s not too strong on grammar so I left this out of the list.

4. Audible – An Amazon company, this app sells quite the assortment of digital audiobooks and audio versions of magazines and newspapers. Perfect for those hours spent travelling.

5. Elevate – This is a great way to sharpen the mind by solving language- and number-based problems. But you need to pay to get access to its Pro levels.

#technology #apps #appstore #ecommerce #websites

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booksbroadwaybbc · 6 years

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23 Year Old Multiple Time College Dropout Seeking Advice [Long post] via /r/selfimprovement

23 Year Old Multiple Time College Dropout Seeking Advice [Long post]

Let me give those who read this a brief history of my life over the past five years.

I am 23 years old and am not progressing in life at all, and I can't take it anymore. I have held a part-time Chinese and then pizza delivery job during this entire period.

I graduated from HS in 2013 with A few As and Bs (non-honors classes) but they were easy. I never studied. In fact, I got most of my work done while still in the school building. I did no extracurriculars or sports what so ever besides a work program freshman year where I worked at McDonalds 2 hours out of the school day starting at 14 years old.

Anyway, I went to through HS and knew I wanted to go to college, but being limited to a state school really got me feeling down since I needed a break from my current town. I wanted to go to college but did not know what major or career path I wanted to go into. Like an idiot, I chose Economics because I though Finance sounded like a cool path to money and eventual freedom.

Here is where it all goes downhill. I got just a high enough ACT score of 23 to get into Illinois State University. I completely THREW MY OPPORTUNITY INTO THE TRASH. As an introverted person and a COMMUTING student, I had an incredibly hard time making friends. The summer after graduating HS I broke up with my SO of 3.5 years as she moved away to Seattle leaving my emotionally crushed. I started to drown my sorrows in Marijuana. So. Much. Marijuana. I developed a severe depressive episode and extremely severe social anxiety. I secluded myself from all peers and did the absolute minimum so I could go smoke more weed. I tried hard for the first few months but fell into a cycle of procrastination that left my treading water. I started to skip classes because I was so far behind. The next semester I got on academic probation but it was the same old story. I felt so isolated not living in the dorms like all the other freshman. I ended up making no friends at all. Group projects were an absolute nightmare and where I eventually crossed a line. I stopped going to class halfway through the 2nd semester. I actually kept attending my Political Science 101 class as I was holding an A in the class and enjoyed the lectures immensely.

So I failed out without withdrawing from the university.

If only it stopped there. I spend that next summer trying to get my mind right and quit smoking weed for 40 days (big whoop right)?

The following Fall Semester I applied at the local Community College in my town. I took 4 classes per semester and felt really good about getting back into school. Of course, my demons came back as I thought smoking weed occasionally would be okay, and then it turned into a fulltime thing again. I started slacking in my classes slowly, and eventually was not doing too well. I quit going to 3/4 of my classes excluding my political science class (again, wtf). Academic probation again and repeat the same shit. Dropped out.

I wasted time working part-time and decided to go back and only take 2 classes per semester. I got As in each class. However, the guilt of all my past mistakes and thinking about how long it would get out of this rut was overwhelming. I signed up for classes the next semester, and this time luckily officially withdrew before having to pay for the classes.

Then another year goes by and I apply and then withdraw in two weeks, thinking I was still not ready for college. Also, I was broke and paying upfront. At least I didn't flunk out again.

So here I am. 23 years old, working part-time as a pizza delivery driver. Well, I was. In Feb of 2018, I quit that job (after 2.5 years without missing a single shift) because of an injury that required surgery. I am recovering now, about 6 weeks out.

As I type this I am once again working hard to quit my vices. I am 5 weeks free from Marijuana (big step for me). I feel so entirely stuck in life. My anxiety has gotten worse over time because of the guilt, and not being where I should be compared to my peers so I isolate because I can't tell people I meet this pathetic story. I love to idea of going to college, but actually doing it is a far different story.

I have considered trades, but after looking into them I refuse. I ideate suicide on a regular, daily basis. I take two prescriptions drugs for anxiety and mood-stabilization. They are the only thing getting me through life. I know without them I would not be alive today.

I have a really hard time deciding and committing to things. I want to get my degree and MOVE THE FUCK on with my life and GET OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE. I FEEL LIKE IM DROWNING IN GUILT AND ISOLATION.

Please, somebody. Offer me guidance on what I should do. I am thinking about biting the bullet and getting a new job, forcing myself through the 5 or 6 retake classes that I have to take. The Gen Ed classes are so boring it keeps me from going back. I'm still not completely set on a major but at this point, I just want to get out of this rut and get my Associates bare minimum.

I apologize for the novel but even if no one reads this it still felt good to type it all out. For those who did make it to the end, thank you.

TL; DR Depressed after HS, My SO left me after 3.5 years. I started smoking weed 24/7 and failed out of State School. Applied for CC and failed out 2 times. Still stuck at my parent's house and think about killing myself regularly if nothing changes.

Submitted May 02, 2018 at 05:57PM by introverted_dropout via reddit https://ift.tt/2KwW7ir

#IFTTT #reddit

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yesebomedia-blog · 7 years

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Love, Loss, & What Happens Now? post-basketball reflection by April Cook

The purest form of love for me was the love I had for basketball i thought about it everyday for 15 years i would wake up and know that i had this activity that i loved to do and no matter what issues i had going on, drama, girl drama, family drama, societal pressures… i had basketball as an outlet; a physical activity i could do that would help me to relieve stress. when you take that away from a person, something happens to you all of a sudden you have to deal with those issues you had in a different way because basketball is such a physical activity you have to struggle with you overall health & well-being when you suddenly stop playing & exercising at the level I was playing at you have to face those issues you can’t just work them out physically you have to see who you really are deep down inside without basketball which was my comfort zone but not only was it my comfort zone to deal with stress it was the comfort zone for my personality it was the comfort zone for the way a dressed it was the comfort zone for the way i met people and socialized with my peers it was the comfort zone for how i met people i wanted to date it was the comfort zone for my place in my community and what people knew me for it consumed me it was me because thats how i wanted it to be i was fully comfortable with myself during that time and i thrived because i didn’t have to worry about being insecure i didn’t even have to worry about my sexual orientation because being a lesbian of course was widely accepted in world of women’s basketball when basketball was over i had to completely start over i had to become uncomfortable and insecure and vulnerable but most importantly i had to grieve anybody that ever had to grieve knows that the cycle of grief comes around and around one moment you’re good and the next you’re depressed all over again. but you work through it you try to distract your mind from it you try to dive into another project or hobby or develop new skills meet new people try new things or fall in love you might even drink or do drugs a little more to forget about it and that works for awhile…until it doesn’t anymore then you’re like, “fuck” it time for me to re-focus it time for me to figure out what it is i need to do to find myself again i thought about it for a few months and decided my goal in life at this point is to become comfortable again when Im comfortable and confident in myself and my ability to perform a task i thrive i excel i feel happy i have a purpose i can be myself again i don’t quite feel like myself at this moment but i’ll get there eventually it took me about 10 years to become confident enough in basketball to thrive Im sure it will take at least that much time to become comfortable in this new life music gives me that same feeling that basketball did when i am around other musicians and creative people my comfort level goes up x10 when i’m in my room writing songs, making beats, or casually playing piano i feel content i feel love i get nervous when i think about pursing music full time because i know how easily something i love can be torn away from me i was first introduced to that feeling of abandonment when my father went to prison when i was in elementary school our family was perfect in my eyes and in one day it all got destroyed i have the same feeling about relationships many of my relationships with significant others, friends, jobs, etc have suffered because of me thinking negatively about the outcome sometimes i’ll say to myself, “oh none of this matters because something bad will happen and it’ll all be done with one day anyway” i am always afraid to go in on something 100% which is why it is difficult for me to pursue music fully i feel that if i keep music as my hobby i’ll always have it to myself and nothing can take it away. with that being said… i don’t feel like anything could hurt as much as it did to have to let basketball go just think about having to let go of what you thought was your identity, how you and how others identified you i use to question myself like.. “ok, who tf am i now?” and i know other people felt that way about me as well people i knew from basketball disappeared because we no longer had basketball as the foundation for a connection losing that additional network of people was hurtful at first, but luckily my real friends and family always stuck by my side it is still difficult for me to be involved in basketball in any way because it reminds me of how happy and comfortable i was when i was a hooper the thought of feeling that comfortable again is what drives me everyday to challenge myself and to be the best i can be at whatever it is i am doing my mind set is pretty much like, i’ve gotten to that level of comfort before and i can do it again i’ve been uncomfortable before i’ve been a rookie before i’ve been the new kid on the team i’ve been bullied i’ve been treated differently from the group i’ve faced adversity i do it daily but i’ve also had success and once you know what that feels like you’ll do whatever it takes to feel that way again So thats where I’m at

#basketball #love #loss #grief #ebomedia #lgbt #lgbtq #hooper

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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so he calls me and asks whats wrong. and i feel like this is trapping me because i cant express anything but by not expressing it it creates a cycle. i told him i didnt want to go to the park tomorrow. to me, i expected like an oh well whatever and i’d watch some videos and go to sleep.

but now he was starting into his shit again. and hes telling me its not okay im not referred to a psychologist and that the doctor is not enough. but its like.. he does not understand clinical depression. like he doesnt understand how far depression can affect every single thing in your life and to explain this is an excuse. like why didnt you do xx today, why did it take this long to do this, why do you nap so much etc. and its like.. im tired. im really tired of being alive. and you should be fucing grateful that im sitting here today talkng to you because everyday is a choice to be alive. i AM choosing to be here DESPITE everything that says i shouldnt. despite everything that makes it super hard.

but its all an excuse. its all “defeatist”. but its like.. i dont sit here and tell you word for word what ive spoken about or what has been said to me. the first few visits were in the understanding that i was clearly really really fucked up. like i believe the doctor believed that i was very close to commiting suicide but i was functioning at a level that i didnt need to be tipped over. like he had a real chance of helping someone in need and he jumped at the opportunity. and the trust had to be built - he asked me questions about my life and the history and we had to dicuss in depth my mother whom i have not spoken about in 7 years.

and like part of my problem is beating myself up. like .. wow i was such a shitty kid, i was a terrible daughter to my mother - i must have been the things she said i was and that must have contributed to the eath of my father so it must be my fault. do i “believe’ this? like reallyyyy believe it? no. cuz im not dumb. these people lived their own crazy lives. but this was my life for 25 years. TWENTY. FIVE. not like oh i had a break and was a drug addict for 7 yrs. no. all twenty five years, every damn day of my life was dedicated to these people. every. single day. my own mother tried to have the cops do something for me 4 months before she died because she knew that the relationship i had with my father was detrimental on like a next level.

but how do you turn away from a sick person? how do you do that? he said i should feel pride. i should feel like i had strength and look at it as positive. which is fine - it’s fine. but dont you see? dont you see i put in TEN YEARS of UNPAID WORK to have a man DIE? do you know what i got from the responsiblity to other people? to be on another persons schedule? to live another persons rules?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and ive seen “grown men” decide to stop working for months at a time because a job let them go for a reason they didnt agree with. like they got “fucked”. but i really got fucked. and yu now what thanks i got?

people like him telling me i didnt do anythhing but watch tv and smoke weed. youre right. i did. in between making meals and cleaning up blood and shit, i smoked weed and watched tv. that was my only fucking solace because i could not go away for longer than a night without serious concern for my father. but i smoked weed. and i watched tv. so that means i didnt “work hard”.

but the thing is - no one my age has been a full time caregiver. no one. not a single person can tell me what its like to be a caregiver or how i should feel or what the ‘right amount’ of work is. in reality - if you believe i smoked weed and watched movies and he was always “going to die anyways” then how much “work” did i do in the decade he wasnt dead? how did i manage an entire decade with a man hell bent on killing himself? tell me how i didnt “work”.

and im not into this argument anymore. i will not allow a single person on this earth to speak on my time with my father. not a single person knows ANYTHING about this time except me and my father and hes dead. and i cannot speak solely on it. thats just my word. so i will never argue about it. believe what the fuck you want because if you dont believe me theres not a damn thing that can be done to change your mind and i dont have to care becaue i know what i did i know the time i spent with him.

but he continued telling me he thinks i should be working and i should be trying harder. i am frustrated - how do i explain the massive concept of trauma and severe depression? do you not understand that “everyones” reaction is part of the problem and stigma of depression? this is why people are suffering in silence - well he goes to work but hes a sever alcoholic. he wants to die everyday but damnit he still goes to work.

and its like none of this at all in any capacity makes me feel different about the world aroun me. why do you want to die? why are you still working and wanting to die? whats the point? because youre ~not dead yet~? awsome. that really gets me going. that sparked the flame right back up inside of me. i cant believe i never thought of that - might as well do it because i’m not dead yet.

and you think its procrastination. that its inherent laziness. do you not think im procrastinating on suicide then? perhaps im just waiting it out? maybe im waiting for the final nail in the coffin; my last reason. either give me a reason to live or give me a reason to die but you know im in purgatory right now.

and thats part of the problem - i’m asking for a reason when i should make a reason. i create my own reason. and i know that. i have worked very very hrd to solidify the concept in my brain that i have to make my own reason - no one will provide a reason and more so its not okay to have someone provide it. because someone could die or leave and then what? you make your own. i made the mistake of putting my reason into a dieing man. and i waited far too long to pull back. even when i wanted to nothing was ever as important, nothing ever fulfilled my life and soul like knowing i was responsible for this person. i had a purpose to be here.

he continued. continued. continued. i finally broke down, “im sorry - you called me. i was sitting here a little sad about to wath fucking gta videos and go to sleep and probably wake up in a different mood. now youve called me and made me so upset that im now in a panic attack and sobbing and contemplating my self worth. how does this help me?”

“this is just my opinion. im allowed to express my opinion when youre life affects me.”

and he continued but continually tried to reiterate that he wasnt attacking me or my methods. it sounded more like frustration and inability to understand. like he was unwilling to accept that as a depressed person i struggled on my own to find a trust worthy doctor after having issues with doctors my whole life. then i allowed this person to help me but it wasnt like.. in the movies. this is not like fairytale romantic manic depressive pixie dream girl. like u loved me so hard i got this help and magically became amazing in 30 days and forgot all my troubles.

this is serious trauma. this is serious trauma that now that we are getting even older has become even more detrimental because i did not even realize how traumatic it was until i learned to be “apart of society”. by “being apart of society” it triggered dozens of things in past trauma that i did not even understand as being traumatized and thus had serious depression and anxiety about issues unrelated to people just being dead. its not like oh my parents are dead and im sooo sad. no. i have a very complex grief that spanned decades and to even expect me to remember what happened to lead me to the conclusions i have now immediately and just convey this to a professional and have them give me a once over and this is how to fix it is soooo naive.

this will be a very long process that involves more than doctors visits. he acknowledged i needed daily assistance to overcome my issues and that my own isolation for so long has prolonger and increased social issues that im not getting around on my own. he told me i needed to “grow up”. i told him i agreed. i said it was very frustrating to be me and know that this was fucked up and still be doing it because i didnt have the tools beyond myself to figure out how to “grow up”. like this is all trial and error for me. no one held my hand and protected me and patted my ass when i came home strung out and fucked up. no one sat me down and told me to put a smile on. i was not in any way shape or form parented by anyone. i have never had a parent. i have been completely independent and have thought indepndently for as long as i can remember. i have always dealt with my issues on my own and have had to care for someone for ten years starting as a teenager. in those ten years i never failed to pay a bill or do something i was supposed to do.

okay. so this is just me. and i would love to have a parent. i would love to have someone who knows more than me around. someone who gives a shit. but i dont. so its just me. and whatever i think is right which has been convoluted by a dieing man and mentally ill woman. thats my foundation. so im sorry if im not a fucing university graduate building a 401k driving a car with my own house. im sorry. u know im sorry im not even a fucing fast food mcdonalds employee highschool graduate with 10$ in a savings account and money on a bus card.

but bitch. i’m still here. i’m mad as hell and i’m still fucking here. thats literally the greatest accomplishment for me on a daily basis. its my biggest accomplishment and greatest anxiety. im still here.

i told him again - all of this was making it worse. the real issue i had was having no one to talk to at all. no one wanted to listen to me. everyone wants to tell me what to do or how i should think or some negative opinion because theyre envious that i get ‘free money’.

and the doctor had to convince me to get disability. i told him the people around me felt i could work. he said he did not believe in any way i was capable of holding a job right now and listed a number of reasons why he believed i couldnt, most having to due with symptoms of sever depression. in a switch side, if i listed these reasons i would be told theyre merely excuses by other people and that “they were tired too”. which is why he had to reiterate a number of times to fuck what other people thought. no one has to live my life but me. in reality its disgusting that people continually look down on or disrespect me outright for collecting benefits while they pity me for having issues. it’s hypocritical and bullshit.

finally he said that he wanted to see me do better and wanted to encourage me to find ways to cope with these times of serious depression. i told him that i do have ways to cope - but this is real life and its not always successful. but yet, i have been successful - i’ve not self harmed this year. not because it was “a fad” but because i actively choose not to do that to cope. this is a choice i make during every anxiety attack. this is a sign of strength i have this year i did not last year. so perhaps i spent four hours crying but i did not cut myself or attempt suicide so all i did was spend four hours crying. just so i could be alive right now. so who cares that i spent four hours crying lets be grateful im here now. who cares that it took five days to mail a letter - i mailed the letter. thats what matters. you dont even know that ive been given disability forms twice before that were NEVEr MAILED. fuck they werent even FILLED OUT. so not only did i get these forms, i had them filled out and then i MAILED tHEM. 100% BY MYSELF. my momy didnt help me. i didnt get any fucing drives to the doctor. nothing of this process was made easy in any fucking way. and i did it. so does it matter that ti took five days? absolutely not. even if it took five days, in 60 days do you think itll matter if im accepted? when i have those benefits, do you think itll matter i took 5 days to mail the thing? fuck no. because i mailed it and got the benefits

LET ME CRY. LET ME BE SAD. acknowledge i exist with this sadness!! do you not understand the pain of being ignored when you’re suffering!! i told him that i try to be a good listener for him - i let him speak about whatever he wants, whenver he wants in which ever way he wants to speak about it at the time; if he feels very angry and upset at something and expresses that, i dont later hold him to it and say “well u were angry about this before now ur not how come”. i said i never express my opinion because im a listener just listening so i acknowledge him and if i think hes doing something that is harmful to him i say something like “i dunno if thats a good idea” or “i wouldnt personally do that” or “thats gross” (usually used in context with an elaborate idea involving sex or drugs).

he paused and said that was true and i did do that. i told him i just wanted someone to listen to me. all i really needed to be “helped” was for someone to listen without any preconceived notions or opinions they wanted to put on me. just accept the words im saying and perhaps if possible express some empathy of some kind because they understood the sentence i put out in the world and maybe they can say something like “i bet this thing happening to you would cause this feeling.” to demonstrate that they understand the connection between an event and the reaction to the event and that i am not an insane weak dumb person for having an emotion. no one does this for me. no one. including him. and i believe at this moment he understood, finally, that no one does this for me. including him. tht i am a good listener, that i do not bring him down and allow him to be his own person until i think something is harmful and then i try to express to him my serious concern about his thoughts but not tell him hes a bad person for those thoughts. hes not lazy or stupid or evil. i tell him based on personal knowledge and experience why i think its harmful and rarely is it based just on a personal opinion. like i dont say dont do drugs cuz its bad. i say dont inject drugs, dont take drugs on a regular basis - all very valid safety concerns in the use of drugs. it is not “dont do drugs”. because i know that for something to matter to someone long term you have to create your own purpose. he cant not do drugs for me or any other person. he hs to not do drugs for himself. but i can encourage better use of drugs.

finally he apologized - an apology that has been maybe a year in the making. he said he realizes now that being aggressive and negative about things is not helping anything and that he should be encouraging about positive things in order to promote me actually recovering. he said he was “man enough” to admit that he was wrong and that this is something he should work on to better support me because he believed i was making an effort.

but it was a very good example of something that was small that couldve been handled differently that became a massive overwhelming issue. his bottom line was that i should see a psychologist. i told him i would tell my doctor that the person closest to me in my life is saying they believe i need more/additional help than whats being provided because they want to know the person im seeing to get help is specialized in helping people like me. thats totally fine request to make. im not going to argue that the doctor is “enough”. i dont know. maybe hes right. maybe i need to talk to even more people. but to tell me this on top of “blah balh you get welfare you smoke you nap all day etc.” is horrendous and backwards. should i see a psychologist to tell them what an asshole you are and that you probably cause alot of grief in my life?

like how my doctor thinks of you right now?

he couldve just said hey you know i can see youre trying but i want to suggest maybe asking your doctor to refer you to a psychologist again because i think itll be helpful for both of us.

like he wanted to help and was roadblocked by the fact that i had no coping mechanisms for him to bank on. so he was coming in blind and frustrated that he is not even normally capable of being a good “shoulder to cry on” and now he had no instructions but he still had a very sad girl to worry about. and this doctor didnt “give me” any coping mechanisms so what good is this doctor if he cant “fix” the issue he has to deal with now.

but there is no coping mechanism. theres no like “turn on this song and ill be okay”. theres a variety of things i can try to do, not all of them will work, but one will. one will bsolutely because if one does not, ill be dead. one is always going to work even if the one is time. just waiting it out and battlign it in some meditative state. but one will work.

like he disregarded alot of reasons for what i do as like some general thing i just “like”. like some random thing in my head that makes me like it. and im obsessed with watching specific gamers on youtube. i do not play video games. like i have almost no interest in video games. i dont care who the fuck wins. i dont care about the mechanics of a game. i will watch the most boring ass games like a shitty flash game or a fucing terrible job simulator that is just the most complicated system of buttons and bullshit to move a fucing tractor and i would never even remotely consider even trying to play the game let alone download it or install it.

but here i am. hours a day. watching games i will never play by men i will never meet. and i trid to explain this - its “sad” to you that im going to go watch these things. but to me its like.. a graduated version of something that can be simplified with penny lane’s quote, “if you ever get lonely you just go to the record store and say hi to your friends”. like ive always held the idea that music and sound is a constant familiar. so i have specific sounds - much like people have specfic smells or tastes. as a kid my fathers keys jingled in his pockeet and i could hear this jingle from anywhere in the store. like my ears trained to it because i feared getting lost but if i could hear it i knew i was okay. a bit older i grabbed on to all my favourite bands but what i found was after years of doing things, familiarity felt like visitng a grave. like nothing changed. it was so familiar it was stale, it was a nostalgic memory i was visitng and not being embraced by a warm hug. many of my favourite bands broke up and stopped releasing new music.

i told him that the sound of these mens voices was calming. like i had alot of isolation and listening to music or whatever didnt seem real. but here are these real life people who have their own things they do and that happen to them and everyday they pop up and talk about nothing. NOTHING> they come and be like “hey so today we’re going to build a room” or “so today we’re going to race this virtual car” and nothing in the game matters and like people get “mad” but no one is mad. because nothing in the game matters. you die, you come back.

and like the attitude of these people helps. like “damn im in last place today BUT ILL GET YOU” because nothing in the game matters. or maybe you feel invested in some grand feat theyre trying and they dont get it and theyre like ah shit well gotta keep trying. so ive focused on specific gamers who rarely are offensive or loud or otherwise unwatchable.

but he brushed it off a bit, “yeah, yeah, its someone with a comforting voice” but the tone of his voice hinted at jealousy; like why wasnt it him? why couldnt he just play a video game and make commentary and ill feel better? why does it have to be these guys?

and maybe because i dont know them? they will (potentially) never do me wrong. maybe one day they’ll stop recording. theres a small chance theyll say something super offensive or racist. but i mean theyre never going to personally attack me. theyre never going to point me out and say this girl is fucked. i can be their friend without being their friend. i get to be apart of inside jokes and funny conversations but never actually apart of it. i get to feel like i’m not alone while being terribly alone. and i dont think im necessarily choosing this above other things to cope - i think it’s what i’m “making due with”. i found something and it takes such little effort.

im honestly at a point where i am waiting. my current perspective on life is that people are absolute fucking pieces of shit who have little regard for anyone but themselves or their own kind. however there are 7 billion people on the planet and it would be “racist” so say “all humans” are pieces of shit. so like.. a lare majority of humans are pieces of shit and there are a few who are actually good souls but when you have 7 billion ppl and like 100,000 are good - who the fuck cares? thats like a drop in the bucket. to act in the world as though you are encountering those 100,000 ppl on a daily basis is a set up for failure and thus how it creates the cycle of 7 billion pieces of shit because “self preservation”.

from what i have honestly seen of the world - fuck the world. hands down 100% i have absolutely no desire what so ever to participate in society. i have experienced some terrible shit and i have seen and heard some even worse terrible shit and the positive DOES NOT outweigh the negative at all in anyway. the only reason people care about me in any way right now is because i am considered a “burden” to them by having issues. i dont want my issues. i hope i recover and become a mentally sound and healthy individual. because i do not in any way want to be involved with people on a whole. like if i can afford to live alone and buy my own food and not struggle as i have been - i’m done. i’m sorry. i’m waiting to leave society. i realized how disgusting people are and have lowered myself to using them when i can for like the very basic theyre willing to do (despite what i put out i never get remotely the same in return) and when i am capable of supporting myself i honest to god dont thin ill do half or more of the things i do now “for people”. thats the thing - i’m now waiting to isolate myself further because the experience ive had says there is nothing there for me. if i want to live, ill be living alone, secluded and isolated.

because honestly? im not fucing with a single person who did not fuck with me during this time. fuck. you. you let me struggle and suffer alone and youre soooooo happy im on benefits now? no. youre not. youre more than likely going behind my back and talking shit about it anyways but you think im “cool” or “talented” so you’d like to be associated with me. but you dont want any of the “drama” or “baggage” so youre not even really a fucing friend.

the only thing keeping me going right now is the idea that maybe before the end of the year, i wont have to do _this_ anymore. ill get my own place, have my own food, live my own life and i fucking deserve it no matter how much the pieces of shit cry about it and how they dont get it because i dont “get” half the shit they do in their lives and never have. the pieces of shit will always be pieces of shit and they will never stand to see someone have something they dont.

i learned about myself that i like to cook. i like buying ingrediens for food and trying new recipes and i can do that alone. i can just eat nice food on my own. i like to play guitar but i like to play for myself not to share music. i dont get anythng from sharing. its a totally personal experience just for me. and not having the space to be alone to play guitar is depressing. i like animals. i want to learn to travel by myself. i have literally never gone anywhere by myself. LITERLLY. LIT.ER.ALLY. i have never gotten on a bus to another city and been in that city by myself. just like.. existed in the city by myself. NEVER. but i cannot learn this if i cannot travel and i cannot travel without some sort of purpose behind it. i want to go back to making art for me not because im the artist who makes art. i saw a movie by myself for the first time ever last week.

it took 10 yrs to have experiences that 18 yr olds do. im not “living like a teenager”. its that i NEVER LIVED AS A TEENAGER to be able to become an adult. and now that i am an adult i cannot make teenage mistakes.

and thus we give the highest of praise to the singular best accomplishment of my whole life:

not pregnant. do not have kids. not a drug addict. not an alcoholic.

do you understand at all the HIGHEST OF CHANCES i had to have children? i was a naive girl with no parental supervision, no outlet for myself, super emotional & depressed.

then he tells me, “you know, learn from your parents”.

bitch i did. my mother was 25 years old when she met my old ass father and MARRIED HIM ONE WEEK AFTER. did i do this? she did this KNOWING he had little to no feeling of love for her. this bitch had been abandoned and fucked with by her family sooo much she was like the only way out is with this guy and she grabbed on to him and NEVER FUCKING LEFT.

so bitch.

i did.

im 27 yrs old. youre 26 yrs old. i live on my own. you live at home. ive never been pregnant. ive never been married. yep - my mother and i did not “work”. that is a serious flaw we shared. she also never acknowledge the SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS SHE HAD WHICH LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME NOT LIKE FIGURATIVELY BUT LITERALLY ALMOST KILLED ME AND I DID NOT EVEN HAVE THE WHEREIWTHAL TO KNOW IT HWAS HAPPENING

so i did. i did learn from my parents. my father told me people are fucking terrible and they are. i learned. in fact i did not. i did not learn. i lived in a naivety that people are good. and people want to hear me sy people are good because god forbid they be considered shit but lbr.. you’re probably terrible. i’m pretty terrible. i am totally in limbo where i have like 6 months to a yr before this becomes “my fault”.

so youre right. i am waiting. im waiting to see what independence looks like and whether or not i’d fuck with people like this. and like all i can say is im glad it took 12 months to realize that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. i did thank him. might as well put my own shit into practice - it doesn matter it took 12 months bcause he is admitting it now. and it makes me feel a bit better but at the same time i feel like an obvious statement is if you had known this even 6 months ago, how much better off might i be now? if the closest person to me in life was a positive rather than a negative, how much better would i be now? take some fucing responsibility for the fct that not only do i have to fight myself, but i have to fight through the negativity people like him put on me and decide despite what they aid to stay alive. not like feel a desire to want to because they reminded me of all the good things. i have to fight and be angry and create alot of bitterness towards them and live in spite. thats not fair. and life might be “unfair” and i “choose” to stay aroun someone who has consistently made things sooo bad but my god take 1 second to see it from my side. imagine if i had 6 months of positive reinforcement from the closest person in my life and a professional. i wouldnt have had the second hospital visit. i’d really be in a much better place than i am right now and its SUPER unfair to hold it against me that he cause damaged i had to fix before i could even focus on my actual issues. he held me bac and i allowed him to hold me back and prolong this process. im not even going to blame him like an excuse. i allowed him to hold me back. maybe i allowed it so i would have an excuse. if he tells me all the negative things i think about myself then its like reiterating that what i think is right. it deepens the depression.

but honestly having someone in his position - where he was very much becoming a second coming of my terrible parents, suddenly apologize and admit they were wrong is actually okay. that actually helps my life a bit. for a long time i wanted this from my mother.

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