cookedmaruchan

[billowyy]

.

[seeds-and-sins]

On the Fly

Pairing: Homelander / Reader

Rating: T (Language, lots of bad language)

Description: You are a loud mouth New York cop that doesn't give two shits what anybody else thinks. Homelander is the hero of America, the stars and stripes of justice. The fans ship you two together so bad, and it was all your fault. If only you had kept your mouth shut.

It was such a cheesy, stupid idea that the Vought marketing team had developed. One single interaction between Homelander and some tiny, pathetic little officer goes viral, and all the fans want more of it, ALL of the fans. You were just doing your duty that day, Homelander and Queen Maeve intervened when your partner and you were about to lead a huge drug raid that had been planned for months. You, always having been the more forward one, approached Homelander, when she just so happened to be addressing the news about the incident.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" His eyebrows rose up at the sight of you, a fleshbag at most, badgering him. Your hair was loose, the NYPD vest fastened tightly on your torso, toned biceps flashing, gun at your side, he was absolutely confused at first. No officer just straight up approached him unless they wanted an autograph, or a handshake. You wanted neither. And you were so angry, your New Yorker accent was shooting out of from your lips without restraint.

"Excuse me?" He then snorted, reminding himself that you were both being watched.

"This was my raid, not yours, you don't just come fucking barging in without notice. We had planned this for months."

"And I understand that, um..." He forced a smile, although he really wanted to just break your neck. No one had ever had the gull to speak to him that way. "You are the real heroes."

"Oh, like that fucking shit is going to cut it, huh?" You pushed Homelander, although it was almost like pushing a wall, you did it anyways. Everyone around you both made a resounding gasp, even some of the emergency services crew members in the backdrop paused what they were doing. "Listen buster, I trained for this shit show, and what did you do? You were born with the power to fucking fly and shoot lasers from your eyes? Big fucking whoop!" Homelander's jaw went taut and he sighed agitation.

"And don't you know who you are talking to? I saved your lives and made your jobs easier." You crossed your arms, lip pouting out.

"I didn't become a cop so that you could make it easy for me. I knew what I signed up for. Next time, mind your own shit! I will keep you on stand by."

"Next time, I will still do what heroes always do." He stated firmly between clenched teeth, then bowed down closer to you, perhaps in an attempt to intimidate you, but to his surprise you didn't even flinch. You came straight forward, faces an inch from eachother as you kept a hard eye contact.

"You fucking come into my establishment again, I will have your ass." You growled, fists at her sides.

"And we'll see how well that goes for you, officer." He snarled right back, then you were storming off. Even though you truly wanted to be the last one standing, you had work to do.

The next day you did the usual routine. You went on your six miler, hit the weights at the gym, and then got ready for the day. You didn't think anything of it, got your coffee, grabbed a whole of the daily paper and walked to work in uniform. As soon as you showed up to the department, it was a shit storm. People were flying back and forth, colleagues of yours sent you stares without replying to your greetings, the whole place was in disarray. Then you saw him, and your blood only boiled more, he was standing with the commissioner and several unfamiliar faces. When the commissioner saw you, his entire expression lit up in that face you knew all too well, the 'I am trying to hide how pissed I am so I will smile' face.

"Officer (L/N)! Come over here!" He exclaimed with feigned excitement, he scurried the lit of you into his office, where you took your usual seat. You had been here before, you weren't usually very good at following the rules as it was. This blonde woman took the seat beside you, two others standing behind her with clipboards. She had this eerie grin on her face, not much different from Homelander's.

"Officer (L/N), its a pleasure to meet you." She held her hand out, you didn't accept it and tilted your head towards your boss.

"What the fuck is going on?" As the woman retrieved her hand, the red head behind her replied in an all too chirpy tone.

"The fans love you! They want you in a team up with Homelander." She explained, you rolled your eyes and then stood with a sigh.

"This is a joke. I am not doing it."

"You have no choice, (Y/N)." Your boss said and he said it all too sternly, surely he would have your badge if you disagreed.

"I don't believe this, why me? Huh? Because I said what everybody else was thinking?!"

"Here are some of what the fans have been saying." The other one handed her clipboard to you, the blonde still staring in silence with that polite and cringy smile. You squinted as you read over the list of comments, particular on the viral video between Homelander and you.

"Aww, they are like an old married couple?!" You read aloud, "What the fuck?!" Then down to the next one. "Why don't they just get a room?! Team up?! What the fuckety fuck?!"

"It appears the two of you have had some chemistry, I suppose." The blonde finally spoke coolly, you then raised your glare to Homelander.

"Do you think we have chemistry? Huh? 'Cause I think you are just a fucked up, flying monkey asshole."

"(Y/N)!" Your boss chastised, you crossed your arms with a sigh.

"Whatever, lets just get this over with. People will get sick of it eventually."

"Perfect, we will have the cameras on you, as soon as within the hour." Your jaw dropped, and you wanted to speak in protest, but the words wouldn't leave your lips. As everyone left the room, Homelander was the lsst one to tap your mouth shut, he grinned.

"You're a celebrity now, (Y/N). Get used to it." You thought you could, but it was so much work trying to ride this out. The cameras followed you for weeks, allowing Vought to post short videos of your encounters with Homelander. Homelander replaced your partner for that period of time, which only drifted your friend and you further apart. The short videos became so popular, soon the two of you had your own TV show every night at nine. It was originally called Justice.

"Do you think we could film your workout routine, (Y/N)?" Vought was insufferable in their addiction for the show, it had gotten a lot of publicity and was a number one hit for the industry. Homelander accompanied you on bank robberies, house calls, domestic disturbances, etc. Meanwhile, the both of you disagreed over everything and the banter only made the two of you more popular. Vought started making t-shirts and memorabilia that selled like crazy. The two of you posing, your playful remarks, and almost all of the words that left your mouth:

Flying Monkey Motherfucker!

It was like a fucking hillbilly porno!

Go fuck yourself with some bullets!

Listen, I have bigger balls than this two bit motherfucking laser machine!

That was when the true name of the show was born:

"Yeah, like you think I am going to be like you, fucking on the fly-"

"That's it!" One of the producers shouted from behind the cameras. Homelander and you glared at him, annoyed that anybody would interrupt the very imoortant argument you both were having. From that point on the show was named 'On the Fly', it ran like crazy, and despite its popularity, Homelander and you still hated each other's guts. The fans expected the picture portrait chemistry off screen, and neither of you really understood what they meant. Until Season 8, that is...

"There's about twenty of them." Homelander stated, as he eyed the side of the warehouse.

"Perfect! Half and half." You cocked your guns and the both of you started towards the double doors, leading in through the back. There was a body cam on you, one on Homelander, and a cameraman, one of several as some of them had been 'accidentally' into the mix of shoots and dangerous fights.

"Last time you said that, you killed one of my guys." Homelander stated, pointing a finger at you in warning not to make the same mistake again.

"We'll just separate everyone as we go, okay?" You stood back as Homelander kicked the chained doors open, the shots started firing almost instantly. One thing Homelander could respect you for was that you kept up very nicely, for a meatbag that was. You were fit and vigilant and would have made a fantastic hero, if you had powers.

Homelander grabbed you by the back collar of your vest, tossing you gently up to a catwalk that crossed the warehouse, where you easily shot at four of the criminals. Homelander skillfully did his work, lasers flying around, punching threw chest and throwing people out of the roof. You both finally came to the last guy, he was unarmed. You were out of ammo and mags. You holstered your gun and grinned at him.

"Is this one mine?"

"Sure is," Homelander cringed a bit, the guy was bit and hefty, twice your size. "Unless you want me to handle this one." The man's eyes widened and he shook his head, then raised his fists toward her.

"Nope, I got it." As always, you struggled fighting against the bigger ones, but you always caught up. Homelander stood off to the side, herring you on even as you got your face punched or as you were thrown against a storage container.

"Keep going, (Y/N)! Just shout if you need help." He would mock, arms crossed, that one camera man looking in in horror. Finally you grabbed the back of the guy's head and drilled your knee into his face, he dropped to the side unconscious. Breathing heavily, bloodied face, fists clenched and sweating pooling off your skin, you kicked him one last time. You nearly fell back if Homelander hadn't been there to prop a firm hand against the middle of your back. "I knew it." He grinned, wiping a hand across the bruise on your cheek. "I could have done better, but..."

"Oh, fuck you, you pile of heroic shit." The both of you started to walk side by side back out of the front, where several cameras waited and the camera crew stood to finish the episode. You both turned to eachother and stared, you placed your hands on your hips.

"Not too bad, supershitter." You said with a huff after finally catching your breath.

"You too, officer, you too." But it felt dull, something was off, the air was thick and the wind was a bit too breezy for your taste.

"Cut!" The director came forward from the crowd, smiling with that off smile, he could feel it too. "We are going to run this ending again. Why don't you guys kiss, or something?"

"What?!" You narrowed your eyes on the director, that was where you drew the line.

"No. Not happening." Homelander chuckled, like it was some joke. You didn't know why his denial offended you right then and there, but it did.

"What am I not pretty enough for you? Fucking jerk." The director slowly started to back peddle, gesturing to the cameras to start rolling again. Homelander held his palms up in surrender and shrugged.

"You have blood and shit all over your face, why would I want to kiss you?"

"Oh, so if I didn't have shit on my face, you would do it?" You saw Homelander hesitate for a moment before returning to that same confident swagger of his.

"No, I never said that."

"Well, then what the fuck is the problem?! Why wouldn't you kiss me? Hmm?"

"Why does it bother you so much?" He jested, hands now on his hips and he stepped closer. He had to tilt his gaze down to consider your tinier self.

"Why does it bother you that it bothers me?" His eyebrows furrowed to contest.

"It doesn't bother me." He spat, you crossed your arms and smirked evilly, only really wanting the last word. It didn't matter if he kissed you, or not, right?

"I think it does. I think you are lying." You teased.

"What makes you say that?"

"Because if it didn't bother you, you would just kiss me and get this shit over with."

"Fine." You didn't expect him to just go with it, your eyes widened as you stared up at him, hands dropping to your sides. Then you shook your head, pulling yourself back into thst glare.

"Fine, then." And you both leaned into each other, tight lips pressing together, and you hated yourself but you enjoyed the contact more than you'd like to admit. Everything was quiet, so quiet a pin could drop on the asphalt and everyone would be able to hear it. You gasped when Homelander's hands snaked around your waist, and your own hands found his biceps for support as you were slightly lifted off the ground. The gasp opened your lips and Homelander's tongue slid through and the kiss deepened as your mouths opened up and fought for dominance. Homelander held you tighter as he then ascended thousands of feet up into the sky. You gripped him harder and cried out, cheek pressing to his, now too high up for the cameras to find you.

"Hom-John, what the fuck, man?! Put us down!"

"Shut up." And he kissed you again, then soaring you both through the sky towards a destination unknown. You were so lost in the kiss at that point, that it didn't matter where you were going. This was the last thing you expected to happen, ever, in a million years. But you weren't going to complain...

Meanwhile, the camera crew and director stood down below in shocked silence. The silence was soon broken by the director's words:

"That was absolutely fucking perfect! Cut scene!"

Master List

[regrettablewritings]

I’ve been in an Arthur Curry kind of mood lately so let’s see your take on Arthur for the General section of the headcanons

I think Big Boy’s been in our heads ever since Jason snapped the other day over WB’s bullshit 👀👀👀

Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?: It didn’t exactly get initiated so much as you guys sort of . . . fell into it. Neither one really noticed when the talking turned into actual conversing with one another, or when the conversing began to include you two inching closer, or when that started to include the both of you meeting up at a bar or taking walks or going to the beach to relax and so on. Arthur’s kind of thick-headed in that regard, the realization hitting him one day that what the both of you were doing could technically be qualified as dating. Hell, it wasn’t even so much as a hit as it was a nudge in his brain that made him take a pause as he drank his beer, glance at you as your eyes skimmed the grill menu, and think to himself, Oh, shit. Guess we’re datin’ now. And then take another swig. You never corrected him when he referred to you as his significant other around other people, either, so it’s safe to assume it works for you two knuckleheads.

Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?: As stated before, you two kind of stumbled into dating the same way someone who keeps walking in New York will eventually stumble into a bodega. If you wanna play it loose, then the first time you guys went on what could be considered a date was when Arthur dragged you to a taco truck he and Barry had tried out the other day. To his credit, it was a pretty kickass taco, and you were more than happy to admit that as the two of you sat down and people-watched, with him occasionally working the water in the nearby fountain to take the form of random shapes or funny scenarios. When it finally clicked that the two of you were an item, there was more or less a feeling that you should probably do an official outing just to make sure you were “doing this right”, whatever that meant. It took a bit of “conversing”, but eventually Arthur pulled a few strings (read: Convinced Bruce to land him a reservation at one of the best restaurants in town) and, well . . . It definitely could’ve been worse. Arthur has definite home-training, but fancy establishments just aren’t his cup of tea. He honestly had more fun making the wine in everyone’s glasses make little whirlpools, or having the still-alive lobsters climb out of the tank and “mysteriously disappear.” Suffice to say, maybe the first “date” really was the date done right. It also suffices to say that Bruce never pulls a favor like that for Arthur again: the next time y’all want a date somewhere exclusive, you have to be the one to do the talking.

What was their first kiss like?: Hot. Passionate. Hard. Wet. (God this sounds pervy.) When I say “hot”, I mean temperature-wise: Arthur runs hot, so his lips can feel almost searing when he’s really feeling a mood. The passionate and hard are given traits, considering that that’s just how Arthur does this: Never half-assed, always a full and complete 110%. And as for wet . . . Don’t worry, it’s not because he’s a sloppy kisser. It was because the first kiss the both of you ever shared happened to be after he returned from a mission. It wasn’t an especially life-or-death type of experience, mind you, but that didn’t make it any less nerve-wrecking for you since it considered him pulling an entire cruise ship to port. But the thrill of seeing your boyfriend succeed and be a hero quickly filled you, to the point where it was quite evident in your features when the soggy boy came home. Maybe he felt the need to bathe in that praise before even bathing himself. Or maybe he thought you looked so puppy-like that he just had to plant one on you. But whatever the case was, you got your first kiss of the relationship in the living room of Aquaman’s place. With him smelling like the water and everything that was in it. . . . Well, at least he was hot dripping wet, no?

Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?: Well, if you really want to stretch it, you’re the first human he’s dated since being revealed to the world as Aquaman. Things with Mera . . . didn’t work out, but she does unfortunately hold the title as first to date him period. But as an Atlantean, there are just some things the human world’s got her beat on: Like the fact that it has you.

What’s their height difference? Age difference?: Soooo . . . Arthur Curry is 6′4″. Make of that what you will. Do the same with the age he’s approximated to be if you’d like.

What’s their relationship with each other’s families?: If you still keep in contact wit your family, they’re both amazed and thrown off by the fact that you’re dating the Aquaman: He’s a superhero, he’s an underwater king, he’s a member of the Justice League, he knows Batman, and, oh yeah, he’s hella fine. If you ever bring Arthur around your family, they’re definitely going to want to take photos or have him show them feats of his strength. He’s more than happy to drink any drunkles or cousins under the table, and gleefully lets younger kids dangle from his arms like he’s a living jungle gym. (Frankly, he prefers interactions with younger members of your family since they’re innocent and generally more upfront yet less nosy.) Thomas and Atlanna adore you, being ever so proud of their son for finally being with someone who looks like they’ll stick around for the long haul. Thomas is more than happy to share with you silly stories of what Arthur used to do growing up, and Atlanna just pretty much wants to hear everything about you. Given that she’s missed out on most of her son’s love lives, she wants to be very aware of you and familiarize herself with you. They welcome you back to Amnesty Bay any time. If they think Arthur is shirking on his boyfriendly duties, they are not afraid to get on him about it.

Who takes the lead in social situations?: Arthur, most definitely. He’s not even the most confrontational person, he doesn’t necessarily seek out situations to take the lead on. But when you’re a 6′4″ wall of muscle and a fairly recognizable metahuman superhero, people sort of wind up looking to you for answers. He’s more than happy to let you take the lead, however.

Who gets jealous easier?: A little bit you, but honestly neither of you are particularly the jealous type. The only reason I could venture to say you is because you have yourself quite a catch, no pun intended: Tall, handsome, heroic, a literal king, smart, kind . . . Everyone wants a piece of the Aquaman, and you can’t fight them all off. The good news is that you don’t have to: In spite of his party boy image, Arthur knows about dedication and loyalty in a relationship. As messed up as their relationship was in some regards, Arthur very much respects his parents’ union and, deep down, hopes for something even half as good as what they had. And he already knows he’s not about to get it from just any old random person trying to cop a feel of his biceps. So it’s perfectly safe to say that Arthur’s ghostly eyes are only ever for you. Though . . . it couldn’t hurt just to hang on his arm. Just to let people know, y’know?

Thanks for sendin’ in this request, I forgot it can be fun to write for this rascal!

[nikibogwater]

I still don't understand the point of the ending to ROtT if they wanted to "restart everything"......

Like Jim wasn't the only main character, heck the Arcane order were more of Douxie's villains than Jim's and he wasn't around them to often....

Idk, I still feel a bit salty about this since Wizards had to be cut short in order for the movie to happen but Douxie didn't get enough time to shine like Jim, Krel and Aja did for their respective shows.

(This is a long boi, so half of it is under the cut. I apologize for my Unbridled Passion 😅)

So, just going off of a few things Del Toro said in a Q&A, as well as some things Marc Guggenheim has said in interviews, I think Rise of the Titans was a multichapter disaster in the making. By which I mean, it sounds like some of the decisions made leading up to the movie being greenlit were....maybe not the best.

Del Toro has wanted to do a Trollhunters movie since before the show even existed. While I understand having a preference for a certain means of storytelling, I think it was his refusal to give up on this idea that ultimately doomed the ending of the series to begin with. It sounds like Dreamworks gave him the option to either have Wizards be a full-length series, or cut it in half and use that budget on a movie. Now I'm definitely way more mad at Dreamworks for being so stingy with this project than I am at Del Toro, but the fact remains that I think he went with the wrong choice. There was simply no possible way to wrap up this entire series in only an hour and a half. There were just too many characters and too much story that needed to be told. Had he opted to keep Wizards as a full-length series that would mark the conclusion of the entire trilogy, I suspect we would have gotten a much more satisfying and well-rounded ending (and also more Douxie--I agree with you that that would have been better lol). Granted, we wouldn't have gotten the jaw-dropping visuals that we saw in the movie, but audience response would suggest that story really does need to be prioritized over visuals (what a shocker! ...Except not really).

It also sounds like the RotT team was under some serious corporate pressure. The fact that the movie was being developed alongside Wizards, with a release deadline set for less than a year after that show's release, just reeks of meddling from higher-ups. And the writing of the movie has that unpolished, unrefined feel to it, as though the writers were just scrambling to throw something together in time. Honestly, I really feel for them. I don't think this fully excuses the absolutely horrendous M!Preg subplot or the cop-out ending, but I do understand that they must have felt backed into a corner.

The main thing that I think played into the movie's gosh-awful ending was....it sounds like they really didn't want this series to end. Marc Guggenheim mentioned ending the series like that because he wanted to keep it open for future stories, and Del Toro is still trying to get Dreamworks to greenlit another, smaller Tales of Arcadia project (two shorts a year for four years). It sounds like Dreamworks was desperate to be done with Tales of Arcadia, meanwhile the creative team wasn't ready to say goodbye to this story just yet. That, combined with the pressure to have the movie out less than a year after Wizards, was just the final nail in the Coffin Born of a Single Poor Choice.

But the thing is, all stories have to end. In fact, most audiences want an ending of some kind. And just because you've ended one story, that doesn't mean there's no more opportunity to tell more tales in this universe. Heck, the entire art of fanfiction is built on expanding stories beyond their conclusion, introducing new ideas and adventures for familiar characters to go on. And I know sequels have a bad rep in Hollywood for a reason, but given Dreamworks' fantastic track record (Shrek 2, How to Train Your Dragon 2, etc.), I don't see any reason why they couldn't have given Tales of Arcadia a satisfying ending, while at the same time, leaving it open to potential sequels.

So, yeah. The TL;DR version of it is: Basically it all started when Del Toro chose a movie over making Wizards a complete series, and then there was just this domino effect until we ended up with the disaster that was Rise of the Titans. And while I know sometimes my criticisms of the movie can be very harsh, the truth is, I sympathize a great deal with the writers' situation and the limitations that were forced upon them. But uh....also...

There's literally no excuse for M!Preg or for retconning the entire series.

Sorry that was so long, Non. But thanks for the ask! Hope I didn't chatter your ear off, haha. ✨

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Don’t Do That Again ~ S.R.

A/n: I really do be thriving off these requests.

Request: “Can I requests Spencer Reid x Male reader where Spencer saves you from a close call on the job from a man who murdered his family then tried to kill you (the first cop/fbi agent) in scene, but Spencer arrives and kills him before he can kill you. With the close call you both admit to the feelings you’ve both been having towards eachother for the past few years...which ends in smut 💖” by @kingreidx

Word Count: 3200+

Masterlist

This case had been weirdly hard. It had seemed like a really open and shut case. A man had been the only survivor in an attempted murder case. Attempted only because the husband had been left alive. The rest of his family, unfortunately, had all been killed. It had been all about finding out how to prove that the man the father had described was to blame. It was only when Y/n, the new profiler who was on his first case, had been escorting Mr. Bryman (the father) home from questioning the finally found suspect that everything went wrong. The suspect who Mr. Bryman had been insistent on being the one to kill his family was a Mr. Kyle Lattnam, and it seemed odd since he had been quiet unless Mr. Bryman asked him if he had killed his family, then Kyle confirmed it. That was all they could get from him.

Spencer kept staring at Bryman like he was searching for something. He had been since about halfway through this case actually. That's what prompted Bryman to pull Y/n aside. "Can you escort me home?"

Y/n rose an eyebrow. "You're safe, sir, I can promise you. Now that we have-"

"Please?" Bryman insisted. "I know he's here but this is the first time I'm heading home since they were all killed and..." He took a deep breath in. Y/n would realize only later that it had been even and deep. There was no emotion in his eyes, only in the twisted curve of his mouth and the nervous fidget of his hands. "You've been so kind to me this whole case. Can I ask you this last favor?"

Y/n smiled softly, nodding. "I understand." He did, more than he'd like to talk about. Y/n had become an agent for a reason. "Of course I'll come with you. I'll escort you in my car if you wish, and then someone can take your car to you in the morning. Or you can drive and I'll follow after."

Bryman nodded. "I would like to drive my own car."

Grabbing his keys, Y/m smiled a little stronger. He moved to Derek. "I'm going to escort Mr. Bryman home for his first time returning since the incident. If anyone asks will you tell them that?" Derek nodded and they were gone.

When they got to what used to be the Bryman house, Y/n got out of his car. "See? Perfectly s-" He cut off as Bryman suddenly pulled a gun out of his car as he turned around. Y/n's eyes widened and he slowly raised his hands to show he was unarmed. "Mr. Bryman what-"

"Shut up," the man spit. "Give me your gun." Y/n swallowed before slowly reaching for his gun. Bryman moved closer. "If you try and shoot me, I will put a bullet between your eyes do you understand me?" Y/n silently nodded before taking the weapon off of his belt and holding it out to Bryman. The man took it and threw it in his car before closing the door. "Inside. Now."

"Ler-"

"NOW!" Y/n stepped backwards toward the house, his heart rate picking up a lot. He tried to remind himself to keep calm. He couldn't get out of this if he panicked. In this way the two men made it into the house. Bryman forced Y/n into the basement and forced him to sit in a chair before Bryman tied him up with a rope. Only then did the gun get put away. "Now, I'm going to get my van and we're going to go somewhere special, do you understand me?"

There was a second where Y/n swallowed, breathing carefully. "You killed them, didn't you Leroy?"

Leroy Bryman laughed out loud. "You know, I think they give you FBI agents too much credit. Your group genius was the only one who could see through me. I knew I shouldn't have told him about that day. Unlike you guys, he can see things. Things that I can't let anyone see.

"How did you get Kyle to confess?" Y/n asked slowly.

Bryman grinned. "You know, that's the first time you've not called me Mr. Bryman. Lost your respect for me have you? Well, they won't miss you for a few hours and before then you'll be long dead."

That did make Y/n lose his grip on his emotions just a little. This was up to him. He had to get himself out, before it was too late. "Why me?"

A long sigh sounded from Bryman. "Because that genius of yours found me out. I could tell- he really did see through me. Some of your people weren't totally sure but one confession and they were almost all convinced. All but that genius of yours. They're going to find me out. I know it. I've seen him during this whole case, and I could see it in his eyes today when he looked at me. He's on the brink of placing his finger on the dot. And if I go down... well, then he's coming with me."

"Then why kidnap me and not him?" Y/n asked. Not to say he wasn't glad. Reid had been through enough, and the thought alone that he could be here instead of Y/n was a terrible thought. But Y/n was still curious.

Just then a sick grin twisted his lips. "You don't know then." Y/n frowned in confusion. "You're probably one of the most important people to him. I don't know about how he is with his family, but he protects you more than anyone else on that team."

That sent Y/n right over the edge. "Everyone's protective of me. I'm new."

Bryman laughed again. "I feel bad for you, dying without being able to hear it from him. I do have some pity for you though. To return your kindness during this case, I'll tell you something. He had feelings for you. He looks at you like you're his whole world. Like you're made of gold. He looks at you like he's in love with you."

Y/n's heart stopped. His mouth opened but no sound came out. Bryman lowered a gun to his head and Y/n's mind went blank. His shoulders relaxed and he looked at Bryman with wide eyes. "Wait-"

Sirens. They both looked at the window that lead outside in surprise. "Huh," Bryman huffed. The muted blue and red flashing lights knocked Y/n out of his stupor. Unfortunately for Bryman, all he'd done were tie Y/n's wrists together behind his back. Which left him defenseless for the most part... except that Y/n could still stand. Going on first instinct, as Bryman looked back to set that gun off only an inch away from his face, Y/n shot to his feet. Bryman shot in surprise and between the kick back of the gun that Bryman hadn't prepared for in his surprise and the sudden change of where Y/n's face was, the bullet lodged in Y/n's shoulder instead of his forehead.

Y/n screamed, but had already succeeded. He had brought his knee up as he stood and now they were both on the ground. Bryman cupped his crotch for a second before reaching for the gun he'd dropped. The front door busted open in the distance and the sound of footsteps thundered above them. As Bryman wrapped his fingers around the gun, Y/n screamed again- this time much louder. As loud as he could go. As Bryman got to his knees and went to point the gun at Y/n again, the door leading to the basement caved in and the room was filled with FBI agents in seconds.

Y/n was bleeding from his shoulder shot but Bryman now had the gun trained at Y/n's face again. There was yelling, but it was Reid who finally got Bryman to lower the gun enough for him to be arrested. Unfortunately, it was all kind of distant to Y/n who was beginning to fade out from blood loss. He did recognize Reid untying him though and picking him up and carrying him outside to the medics. "Come on Y/n," he begged quietly. "Stay with me."

Long story short, Y/n was fine. Getting the bullet out had been a bitch and he'd needed a hot second to rest before they all flew back home, but the case was properly solved and everything was taken care of. Y/n was back to work just a week later after the whole incident, to everyone's worry.

Once again though, it was Reid who was the only one capable of talking sense into Y/n. He was the one who got them both another few days off to properly recuperate from the trauma of his very first mission going to south in such a way. Everyone was perfectly fine with letting him do it too. Y/n and Reid would take care of each other, and both of them needed that after what had happened with Bryman. Because, unlike Y/n and Reid, the entire team was just as aware of not only Reid's feelings for Y/n, but also Y/n's feelings for Reid.

It took an entire day of tension for Y/n to slip. Spencer was on the couch, but Y/n asked him to stay with him in bed because he was getting nightmares. He swore he'd never admit it to anyone else and Reid agreed to stay. The second day was full of even more tension. Between Reid playing doctor and the two of them waking up in bed together, it was hard to deny the chemistry. Y/n was suddenly acutely aware of every time Reid looked at him, or how Y/n's name sounded different when Reid said it. Different than when he said anyone else's name. Y/n noticed how touchy Reid was, even though he normally kept pretty physically distant from everyone. On the flip side, Y/n was also letting his guard down and becoming very affectionate and attentive. Clingy.

Day five, Reid was the one who slipped. They'd gotten into a habit of waking up next to each other and it seemed that Y/n was finally okay enough to actually get back to work. Reid was a genius profiler though and even if he had had his head stuck in the idea that Y/n would never like him back, it was becoming painfully obvious that Y/n's closeness wasn't just circumstantial. Y/n had started to touch Reid's hair a lot. That day when Y/n did it, Reid caught his hand.

"Sorry I didn't mean-" Reid pulled Y/n's hand so Y/n was closer. With his other hand he cupped Y/n's jaw. He pecked a quick kiss on Y/n's lips before pulling away and turning back to his book like nothing had happened. Y/n was left standing there, silent and reeling. "You kissed me."

"I did," Reid confirmed casually.

Y/n took a deep breath. "You like me."

"I do," Reid confirmed again.

"Do you know that I like you?"

Reid paused for a while. "I do." This one was more shy. Softer. He was less sure here, or perhaps just nervous.

Y/n  smiled softly. He flattened his hand on Reid's thigh so he could lean down, swiveling his head to catch Reid's lips with his in a much more tender kiss. Reid tilted his head, the book closing softly. He lifted his free hand to softly touch the side of Y/n's face. They parted. "I'm not good at this," Reid whispered. "I mean, I don't do it often." Y/n stood up again and Reid put his book down, placing it off to the side.

"I've been secretly crushing on you for years, Spencer. That news makes me nothing but happy to hear."

Spencer chuckled, standing up himself. "I have been too, you know."

Y/n rose an eyebrow. "Bet I was yearning more."

His eyebrow quirked. "Oh yeah?" His arms looped around Y/n, pulling their bodies flushed together. Y/n's hands flattened against his chest on instinct. "And how are we to measure this?"

Thinking, Y/n bit his lip. "How about whoever kisses the other the best wins?" He was smirking. Spencer took a second then blinked. It was only then that Y/n realized the other man had been staring as Y/n had bit his lip in thought.

Clearing his throat, Spencer focused himself as Y/n's smirk grew wider. "You know I'm actually a really good kisser."

"Oh yeah?" Y/n asked, trying to fight off giggles as Spencer tried to act sexy. It wasn't that it wasn't totally working, it was the thought that this man could so easily switch gears after just a moment ago being so shy and coy. A moment ago he'd claimed that he wasn't good at this and didn't do it often. Now Y/n was... more than just a little turned on by the look Spencer was giving him now.

Spencer moved his head so their noses brushed. Y/n caught his breath, having expected to get the hell kissed out of him right then and there. "Yeah," Spencer whispered. "You wanna see?" Y/n wordlessly nodded. Then Spencer kissed him, and it was like no kiss that Y/n had ever experienced before.

There was a kind of desperation to that kiss. A kind of tension that sent Y/n's head spinning. Spencer grabbed Y/n's entire head with both of his hands, pulling them as close as possible.

There was heat to the kiss. The kind that sent Y/n's skin burning and rose the cool air around them to unbearable temperatures. Y/n had the thought to be wearing less layers, but that would leave him practically naked, and he only wanted to kiss Spencer... right?

There was so much love when Spencer kissed him. Like Y/n could feel Spencer's relief after years of yearning reflected in his own chest, swelling and pressing against his rib cage. A warmness in his gut. A lightness to his body, like he was floating.

Spencer pressed Y/n against the wall that had been quite a bit away just a moment ago. Y/n's brain was too full of Spencer to care about anything else, and the feeling of the brunette pining Y/n against the wall, their bodies melding together, was even more of  distraction. Y/n couldn't remember why this had started- he just hoped it wouldn't end. It didn't even feel real... Y/n silently prayed that if this was a dream, he would never wake up. He'd just die in this fantasy and be here forever and never leave. It would be better than waking u[ in a world where this had never happened and he was back to simply sitting back in his chair and watching someone he was in love with ignore him from a distance.

It was only when Spencer leaned away that Y/n realized he needed to breathe. Suddenly he was gasping, leaning his head back to rest against the wall. Spencer moved his leg in between Y/n's, pressing his thigh against the lump in Y/n's pants. Y/n gasped, his whole body going rigid as a sharp and sudden wave of a different want than he'd experienced in quite a while fill him. He was reminded of high school and kissing boys in closets and under bleachers. Except now it was in a bedroom and that felt much more intimate and adult and real and meaningful.

Oh my god this was real.

Y/n's eyes moved to find Spencer's. The men looked at each other.

Suddenly they both shot into action, Y/n pulling off his shirt as Spencer started on the buttons. Y/n began doing it for him as Spencer got distracted with the other man's newly exposed torso. Y/n left a little kiss on Spencer's neck before Spencer caught him in another kiss. Then they were turning and tripping until Y/n fell back on the bed, Spencer quickly coming after him. Y/n's fingers were in Spencer's hair and he tugged, a low, really sexy noise coming from the back of Spencer's throat in response. Their eyes locked and Y/n shivered.

"I want your pants off. Now." Y/n gulped before obeying. Soon Y/n was in nothing but his boxers and Spencer's eyes raked him. It made him shy. "Don't do that," Spencer ordered. Y/n shot him a confused look. "Look at me like you're ashamed when all I see when I look at you is how gorgeous you are."

Y/n swallowed. "Okay." He blushed and Spencer nodded before he seemed to change gears again.

Spencer removed his own pants, getting off the bed to do so. Now they were both practically naked, staring at each other with admiration. And hunger. Spencer was over Y/n again in a second, but this time he was kissing Y/n neck. Y/n sharply released a breath, his fingers twining in Spencer's hair again. Spencer's kisses made a path lower and lower, from his neck to his chest, down his stomach, straight to his waistband. Y/n's hands moved to the sheets now that Spencer was out of reach - and just in time, because Spencer didn't pause before pulling off Y/n's boxers. Y/n bit his bottom lip and Spencer smirked before touching Y/n's member.

A beautiful, breathless almost-moan sounded, encouraging Spencer to begin to really stroke him. "Do you like that?" Y/n made some sort of choked noise of affirmation that made Spencer grow more confident. Y/n's fingers curled around the sheets and Spencer sighed. "Talk to me, baby. I want to hear if you like it or not."

"Yes," Y/n breathed, his chest shuddering with breath as he did so.

Spencer's smile grew. "How much?" He gripped Y/n's waist, his thumb massaging Y/n's hipbone. "Come on, tell me."

Y/n sighed, his eyes fluttering as he tried to keep them open. "Really- a lot. What happened to you don't do this often and aren't very good at it?"

A soft chuckle came from Spencer. He was thriving seeing the effect he had on the other man. "Well, I don't have sex often. But I'm plenty used to pleasing a man." Y/n rolled his eyes, but his smile gave him away. Spencer adjusted his grip and Y/n moaned. "Good boy. Let it go for me, please." Spencer pulled off being both incredibly sexy and dominant and also being respectful and polite in a way that drove Y/n crazy.  When Y/n didn't show signs of cumming, Spencer began to leave little hickies in every place he could reach. The extra bit sent Y/n over the edge. Spencer stood to grab a towel before cleaning the mess off of Y/n's stomach. "There you go."

Y/n moved so that when Spencer lay down, he hovered above. "Did you think we were going to stop?" He asked as Spencer raised a questioning eyebrow. "I still want to-"

"No it's okay," Spencer dismissed. "I want to cuddle with you now." He pat the spot next to him that didn't allow for question. Confused, Y/n lay down as commanded. When it got quiet, Spencer used his hand to tilt Y/n's face toward him so they could kiss again. "How do you feel about being my boyfriend?"

Y/n smiled. "I feel quite good about it."

Spencer snuggled him. "Good. Then that's what you are."

"Good," Y/n whispered back.

After a second Spencer said, “Hey side note?” He looked very seriously at Y/n. “The whole almost dying thing? Don’t do that again.”

Y/n snorted. “I will have no problem trying my best to keep that.” He paused. “Our job is very dangerous though.”

Spencer pulled Y/n closer. “I guess I’ll just have to protect you then.”

A small smile graced Y/n’s face. “Yeah, I guess so.”

[prettybuckybaby]

we lay here for years or for hours, so long we become the flowers; chapter four

the avengers babysit, part two

part seven of single parent peter parker

masterlist

read on ao3 here

“Hey, you wanna ditch this thing tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, babe. You’re telling me you don’t wanna attend a lecture from one of NYU’s most prestigious lecturers on the dramatic structure of Macbeth? Sounds like a real hoot to me,”

“You’re such a dick. Are we ditching or not?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

---------------

Most of the avengers are in the common area. Tony and Pepper are in a meeting and it’s Tuesday, so Natasha and Leia are having their secret dance lesson, but the rest of them are sprawled in various positions across the room. Peter is sitting on the floor in front of the table, attention split between the chemistry homework in front of him and his phone.

“Hey, Mr Barton?” He asks when he puts his phone down and picks his pen back up.

“Are we ever going to graduate to first names?” The archer asks him, frown on his face. “Nat lets you call her ‘Tasha’, and I’m still ‘Mr Barton’. I mean, even robo-cop gets ‘Buck’ every now and then,”

“May raised me to be respectful, Mr Barton. I’m just respecting my elders,” Peter grins up at him, eyes sparkling. “Plus, I called Tasha ‘Miss Romanoff’ once and I have never felt fear like it before,”

“And Barnes?”

“He asked me to call him Bucky,” Peter explains with a small shrug.

“Will you call me Clint?”

“Sure thing,” Peter smiles at him. Clint smiles back, thinking he’s gotten his way. “Hey, Mr Clint,”

“Oh my God,” Sam snorts from across the room, where he, Steve, and Bucky are throwing a ball between themselves. “You are the worst. You are my least favourite child. You should let Keener know that he’s overtaken you,”

“That’s rude, Mr Clint,” Peter pouts up at him. “I’m just respecting you. Let me respect you, Mr Clint,”

“For the love of all things holy, Peter, shut the hell up,” Clint glares at him. Peter tries his best to look innocent, but he can’t stop his lip from twitching. “What do you want?”

“Are you busy tomorrow?” He narrows his eyes at the teen.

“Why?”

“Well, Harley and I have got this lecture thing on at school. And it’s like, a mixed school event thing, and it’s an all-day thing. If it was just an hour or something, I’d take her with me, but it’s all day and I don’t want her to get bored, you know? Anyway, it’s Wednesday, and Leia doesn’t go to group on Wednesdays, so I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with her?” He asks, words rushing out of his mouth. “I mean, it’s fine if you don’t, I can ask someone else, but she hasn’t seen you for a while and-”

“I’d love to see her,” Clint cuts him off, grinning brightly. “The whole day? Absolutely not an issue.”

“Thanks,” Peter smiles, before it falls into a small frown. “Please do not let her touch your arrows again. If there is any sign of blood on her, you’re never seeing her again.” The teen threatens.

“I’m not irresponsible, Parker,” Clint scowls as he defends himself. “How was I meant to know she could reach them? They were on the countertop. She’s tiny,”

“She’s three,” Peter says slowly, as if this explains everything. “Three-year-olds do that. Didn’t your kids do that when they were growing up?”

“Well,” Clint shifts. “Laura was abundantly clear that I was not allowed arrows around the house when they were in their grabbing stages. Or any time after that. So, no. They never managed to reach a quiver of arrows that were on a countertop taller than them and cut their hand.”

“Yeah,” Peter rolls his eyes, turning back to his chemistry work with a small smile on his face. “You should implement Mrs Barton’s philosophies everywhere that there are children running around. She’s really onto something, you know?”

“Yeah, alright, smartarse,” Clint rolls his eyes, throwing a ball of paper at Peter’s head without looking up. The teen bats it away without looking up. “What time are you dropping her off at?”

---------------

Peter’s at the tower at seven the next morning, just as Clint is waking up. He stumbles into the kitchen and is immediately tackled by a toddler.

“Ugh,” Clint groans as the little body crashes into his legs. One of his hands rest on the top of her head. “Where do you get your energy from. I’m still asleep,”

“The sun’s awake, Clint,” Leia smiles up at him, eyes bright. “So ‘m I,”

“Uh huh,” The archer mumbles, ignoring the small laugh coming from Peter.

“Am I okay to leave her with you?” The teen asks, handing Clint a cup of coffee, voice filled with amusement. “Should I-”

“I’m awake,” He insists, downing the entire cup before almost slamming it down on the counter. Peter raises his eyebrow at him. “I am. Aren’t you meant to be in school?”

“I’m waiting for Harley,” The teen tells him, taking his phone out when a text tone goes off. “He’s downstairs.” He puts his phone back away and bends down in front of his daughter. “Hey, you’ll be good for Mr Clint, yeah?”

“Uh huh, Daddy,”

“Good,” He kisses her cheek, ruffling her hair as he stands up. “I’ll be back around three?”

“Okay, kid,” Clint smiles as Leia comes back over to him, hugging his leg. “Have fun at your lecture…thing,”

“Oh, it’s going to be a blast,” Peter rolls his eyes as he walks over to the lift. “See you later. I love you!”

“Love you, Daddy,”

“Love you, Pete!” The teen steps into the open lift, sticking his finger up at the archer. “Wow. What happened to the respect, Parker?”

“Goodbye, Mr Hawkeye-Barton, Sir.” He calls as the doors shut, smirking lightly. “No arrows!”

----------------

Clint starts by himself breakfast, eating it while he lets Leia watch one of her shows. He asks Leia if she wants anything, but she tells him that she had breakfast with her father back in Queens, so he just hands her a pouch of juice while he eats. A few of the others come through the kitchen while they’re in there, all of them smiling and sitting down with Leia, asking her about the show that she’s watching.

“Right then,” He grins at Leia once she’s come to the end of an episode and he’s finished eating and clearing up. “Shall we get started?”

“What we doin’, Clint?” Leia asks, looking up at him with a smile.

“Well,” He starts as he stands them both up, walking towards the lift. “Daddy said no arrows because he’s boring. But also, Daddy’s quite smart, and I quite like hanging out with you. So, I got you something, so we can still play with arrows,”

“Will Daddy be mad?” She asks as the lift starts moving down towards the training room Clint has set up for them.

“No,” Clint comforts her easily, grinning down at her. “Because we’re going to use special arrows, ones that can’t hurt anyone,” The doors open straight into the training room, and Clint leads Leia over to the corner where his arrows are kept. He sits down next to them, grabbing one of his quivers and a smaller one. “Okay,” He takes an arrow out of each of them. “These are the arrows I normally use, yeah? See this tip?” He pokes the top of the arrow, moving it away when Leia goes to copy the movement.

“Sharp?”

“Very sharp.” He nods and puts the arrow away. He takes one out of the smaller quiver. “These are special arrows. See, instead of a point, they’ve got a flat end,” He holds this arrow out to her, letting her touch the end. He laughs lightly when she frowns.

“How’s it stick?” She asks, poking the arrow again.

“Watch this.” Clint tells her. He licks the sucker on the end of the arrow, making sure Leia’s eyes are on him, and then slams the arrow onto his forehead. It sticks when he moves his hand away.

“You look like a un’corn,” Leia giggles at him, lifting a hand to bat at the arrow. It sways until Clint pulls it off.

“Yeah,” Clint chuckles. “So, as well as using special arrows, we’ve got a special board to aim at,” He points over to the archery targets on the other side of the room, where there’s a smaller, plastic target along with the many full-sized ones. He stands up, picking up the quiver and a small bow, and takes one of Leia’s hands in his empty one. They stop when they’re standing opposite the small target, where he hands the bow to Leia. “Okay, so. First, put your left hand here,” He points to the grip. “And your other hand pulls the string back,” He kneels down behind her, putting his hands over hers after her loads an arrow onto the string. He moves their hands as he speaks. “And then we pull back, and we’re trying to hit that yellow circle in the middle.”

-----------------

By the time that Clint decides they should have lunch, Leia is at a stage where she can get an arrow on the target every time she shoots. A few of them end up in the centre of the target, but most of them land closer to the edge. Clint high fives her.

After they have lunch, where Steve and Sam join them, Clint takes her to his and Nat’s floor, away from the others.

“What’re we doin’ now, Clint?” Leia asks him when they sit down in their living area. Clint grins at her.

“I thought we could go on an adventure!”

“A’venture?” She asks, eyes going wide. Clint laughs as he nods.

“Yeah! But first, we need supplies.” He brings out Leia’s bag that Peter left with them this morning, and then moves towards the kitchen area. He comes back into the living room with a small box in his arms. “Okay. You need to pick some snacks and a couple of drinks, just in case you need a nibble,” Leia nods as she picks out a couple of pouches of her juice, along with a small bag of cookies and a banana. “Okay. You put them in your bag with this,” He reaches onto the couch and picks up a Leia-sized blanket.

“Okay, Clint,” She grins as she stuffs everything into the backpack and pulls the zips shut. “Can Bearbear come?”

“Of course he can,” The archer smiles. “Okay, last thing. Do you know what this is?” He asks as he pulls a roll of paper out of his back pocket and spreads it out over the floor.

“Um,” Leia thinks for a moment before peering up at the man. “Treasure map?”

“Yeah! Sort of,” He grins again. “But, there isn’t really any treasure, so it’s really just a map. You know what it’s a map for?” Leia frowns as she looks over the map before shaking her head. “Well, you know sometimes I go into the ceiling?” He laughs when her whole face lights up.

“We’re goin’ into the ceilin’?” She nearly bounces where she’s sat with excitement, making Clint laugh again.

“Yeah. We’re going to explore the whole tower. This is a map of all of the vents. See how they’re all connected?” She nods her head as he runs his finger along the printout before his finger stops. “We’re going to start here, which is right over there,” He points to the vent that is situated above the cupboards in their kitchen area. Leia giggles as Clint picks her and her backpack up, making sure she’s holding onto Bearbear and stands her up on the counter. He pushes himself up as well and lifts her up to the vent cover. “Okay, push up on that, and then move it forwards.”

“Wow,” Leia gasps as she climbs into the tunnel. She crawls forward, giving Clint enough space to climb in as well and put the cover back over the vent.

“Let’s go this way, first.” Clint tells her, pointing down the tunnel.

They explore the vents for about an hour before Leia starts to yawn, and they get another half hour before she’s slowing down her crawling and her eyes are drooping shut.

“Hey,” Clint pokes her side gently, voice nearing a whisper. “You ready for a nap?” Leia opens her mouth to answer, but the only thing that comes out is a yawn. Clint laughs softly. “Yeah, I think so. Let’s get you comfy, sweetie pie,” He takes the blanket out of the bag on his shoulder and spreads it out over her, before pulling his jumper off his body. He rolls it up and tucks it under her head. He smiles softly when her eyes flutter shut. “Have a nice nap, precious.”

---------------

Peter and Harley arrive back at the tower at ten past three and go up to the common room. Everyone is there, apart from Tony, Pepper, Clint, and Leia.

“Hey,” Bruce smiles at them as they come into the room, both of them laughing at something. Everyone else offers their welcome when they notice the teens.

“Hi, Dr Banner,” Peter smiles at him as he takes a seat on the only seat left, groaning when Harley forces himself next to him. “Jesus, Harley,”

“You’re the one who’s taking over the whole chair,”

“How was your lecture?” Steve asks them, interrupting their bickering. He laughs when Peter groans. “That bad, huh?”

“She talked about Shakespeare for six hours.” Harley tells them, scowling slightly. “I mean, who cares about Shakespeare that much to listen to some old woman talk about him for six. Hours.”

“You slept through most of it,” Harley scoffs when Peter shoves against him. “You missed the exciting stuff. I, personally, had a wonderful day,”

“Absolute bull-”

“Where’s Clint?” Peter asks, cutting Harley off and ignoring him. He frowns when most of them shrug.

“Steve and I saw them at lunch, but we haven’t seen them since,” Sam tells him.

“I haven’t seen them since breakfast,” Bruce says.

“Bucky and I haven’t been in the tower,” Natasha frowns. “He said something about exploring somewhere, though, last night,”

“Oh.” Peter frowns as he pulls his phone out and clicking on Clint’s contact. The phone barely rings before he answers.

“Good afternoon, Parker,” Clint answers, grin clear through his voice. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Where are you?”

“What?” Clint scoffs loudly. “No ‘Hello, Clint. Thanks ever so for babysitting for me today. You’re a real lifesaver. I hope you had fun!’?”

“I don’t sound like that. Where’s my kid?” Peter asks, scowling. He elbows Harley when he hears him snort out a ‘you definitely sound like that’ at Clint’s impression. “I’d quite like to know that she’s still alive.”

“She’s napping, at the moment,”

“Yeah, I figured. Stop avoiding the question. Where are you? I want to see her,” He frowns when he hears the hesitation.

“In my defence, I thought I had more time before she needed a nap. I lost track of time,” Peter sits up straight.

“Mr Barton, buddy, where are you?” His eyes narrow when he hears shifting above him. “Are you joking? Tell me you’re joking, please,” He ignores the way everyone in the room looks at him with concerned looks on their faces.

“Well, here’s the thing-”

“Why the hell did you let her fall asleep in the fucking vents?”

“She’s got a blanket and she’s got Bearbear. Everything is good, Peter,” The archer tries to sooth the teenager, but it doesn’t work.

“Everything is not ‘good’.” He almost growls down the line. “How long has she been asleep?”

“About-oh, hang on a second, she’s waking up.” Peter hears as Clint moves the phone away from his face. “Hey, sweetheart. You alright?”

“Where’s Daddy?” Peter smiles when he hears his daughter’s voice, heavy with sleep.

“Daddy’s downstairs. You wanna go and see him? Okay. We’ll be down in a second, Pete. Adios.” Peter rolls his eyes, forcing down a smile when Clint hangs up.

[jonesinghardy]

Billy / Four Character Analysis

After first seeing the photos of Billy’s tattoos, I ended up going down a little rabbit hole of research to try and figure out what they might mean since we don’t get a lot of behind the scenes info about the 6 Underground characters. I have since then developed some ideas and analysis into Billy’s character and felt like sharing. I’m not debating this with anyone, this is just for fun.

The tattoos on his knuckles say something that looks like 2 2 E 5, it could also be 2 2 E S, but my research revealed some more interesting results with the former sequence. 22E5 lead me to 2+2=5 which is a reference to George Orwell’s 1984 and is seen as a slogan for anti-establishment, anti-fascism, and anti-authoritarian ideologies. 

The anti-establishment ideologies align with those of parkour culture, which embraces a “freedom of movement that pays little attention to the instructions of [a] city”* and is a means of engaging in urban politics in a very childlike way because it encourages its participants (traceurs) to view a city as a playground and lets it become a “tool of freedom, of liberation, of individualised power without constraint and limitless exploration”*. Parkour is also a personal philosophy to free the mind of the limitations of physical movement within urban space. It is about reclaiming that space from the institution. 

This also aligns with skateboarding culture, which we know Billy to participate in as well, which also reclaims urban space and espouses similar values. “Skaters imagine their bodies outside of the boundaries of urban design and re-appropriate environments designed to segregate or gentrify, imprinting their bodies on the city landscape.”* London has a rich parkour and skateboarding community, which is likely where Billy would have encountered these crowds initially. 

It is likely that Billy had some professional training with regards to rock climbing, but that his immersion in the parkour culture lead him to pursue urban climbing and free climbing. While we can’t really be sure how he ended up associated with the thieves we see in his flashback scene, it’s easy to assume that he met them through the parkour and urban climbing circles or because he was simultaneously involved in an overlapping circle of traceurs who used their skills for their own benefit (in a Robin-Hood, eat the rich kind of way).

In the flashback scene Billy says he has been robbing his whole life, he also clearly has an issue with police, having twice (and only) referred to them as “pigs”. I’d assume his association with parkour, skateboarding, and theft all would have put him in situations where he needed to avoid and evade police in many circumstances. His politics reflect an anti-police rhetoric which makes sense in these circumstances. He references criminal records and reasons he’d been arrested, which don’t particularly contradict the values of the subcultures he was apart of. “No more getting arrested by the pigs just for being naked or just usual stuff. You know being naked, getting drunk, casual stuff.” It may be a stretch but nakedness is a form of self expression and rebellion in a society that requires people to be clothed, however it’s just as likely that Billy may have had a penchant for drunken disorderlies.

Trespassing, property damage, public intoxication, and indecent exposure would all be likely charges Billy could have faced before he “died”. There also remains shoplifting, theft, burglary, larceny, and grand theft as other possible charges, though he was clearly actively pursuing high reward scores given the jewelry he was stealing at the time of his “apprehension” by One. His skill as a thief must have been infamous enough in order to be on One’s radar at all, but he was evasive enough to have remained outside the clutches of the law. 

His other tattoo, the LYPTA on his neck, lead me to less interesting results than the hand tattoo, however the translation and definition comes from Old Norse, and means “lift”. This could have a double meaning, using the definition in association to theft or being a thief, but it could also have some symbolism related to climbing and his title as “Skywalker” considering the meaning of “to raise” and “to cause to move upwards” and how many urban climbers seek to conquer skyscrapers among other urban edifices.

Take the following with a grain of salt, it’s more speculation than anything, and did not receive as much research as everything I considered above.

There’s also the matter of his scar, as well as his skillset with weaponry and reconnaissance that I’d like to consider. It is entirely possible that Billy learned these skills following his induction into the ghost program, however, it is more compelling to assume that he had some kind of formal training. Given his respect for Seven’s military experience (compared to a disparagement for cops), I would argue that Billy also had some army training himself, and possibly additional Adventurous Training in Mountaineering and Rock Climbing. 

I cannot say I did as much research in this area, but my assumption would be that he went into training, but never completed it, or did not pursue the career very long. I don’t think his personality is especially military-oriented, but I do believe he might have tried to please his mother and applied. He has the scar before his fall in the flashback so it’s likely he endured some kind of accident. I would assume a fall impact or blunt force trauma, and suggest an orbital fracture by the brow, and concussion. Which would lead me into my next assumption, that such a head injury resulted in him being discharged from or lead to the cessation of training with the UK Armed Forces and a return to his previous associations with new skillsets. 

Finally, and less seriously, I have some personal ideas and headcanons about the character that have not been analysed from the film in great detail, but are more observations of physicality Ben Hardy put into the role. The first is that Billy is ADHD and possibly dyslexic, but also multi-lingual, purely from having been around immigrant kids growing up and picking up the languages by ear. Such groups (ie, marginalized groups, poc, class, etc) would have lead him into the parkour and skateboarding communities. The ADHD headcanon speaks highly to the physical and hands-on nature of Billy’s skills, and that his intelligence and interests were largely influenced by the politics of the subcultures of which he was a part, and could have also influenced his inclination toward those cultures to begin with considering the impulsivity that would embolden him to learn potentially dangerous sport.

[birdwonder]

Hi! I've been watching Brooklyn 9-9 and I just had a thought: a detective!reader who's like Jake Peralta 80-90% of the time (and who's also a stand-user) with Bruno. Maybe reader helped him when he was injured but didn't know that he's a part of mafia but then boom, they meet again when reader went undercover maybe, so reader is just ":0!!!" Sorry if it's weird, have a nice day/night!

|| so sorry this took so long ! i tried to watch some Jake Peralta scenes to help me since i haven’t watched Brooklyn 99 before but i didn’t really capture his character at all. the mood of this story is like. entirely different from the request and i didn’t add the stand user part bc i forgot- sorry!  it was meant to be better but somehow my tab deleted with my first version of the story. :,) honestly i’d be happy to try again for a more light hearted story if you want to request again!

Bruno Bucciarati | Second Meetings

“Truth be told, I never wanted us meeting like this,” he confessed, wine glass in hand while he purposefully turned it in circular motions to watch the red liquid swirl. It was like you - rouge lips, red dress and the perfect pair of heels to match.

“Honestly, I didn’t think we’d meet again.” You laughed softly, your own wine glass empty and placed on the balcony’s fence. The moon was full and the night was far from cloudy. A perfect excuse not to look at him, not yet at least. Let it all sink in first.

You had waited endless days, months and almost a year to be given an assignment as important as this; the amount pleading and begging you had done was unmeasurable. Of course this is what you wanted, ever since you become an official rookie cop. No - ever since you were old enough to realise the truths of the country you lived in.

Here, the weak are preyed on and the wealthy get away with it all. Street thugs to Mafia members go unpunished while others suffer for their wrong doings, and it’s the furthest thing from fair. That’s why you committed not only your heart but every moment of your life training to become the person you are now, a police officer who can at the very least help a town become a safer place for everyone who lives in it and visits.

Still, you never expected to be in a situation like this.

When you had asked your boss to give you a more important task outside of street patrol and parking ticket duty, you were expecting to be sent to do arrests and investigate some crime scenes, but you were sent on the cheesiest mission in the world. None of your coworkers even expected it, seeing you - the woman who sent the whole station into a riot on your first day just by cracking a couple of jokes - in a dress that showed more than what a modest person could imagine.

The plan was to investigate the members attending a party that only the ‘underground’ members of society could attend, try to overhear any plans, find out the statuses of some mafioso’s and if you were lucky, talk to a Capo. Gain their trust and let them have something slip. You just had to be careful they you weren’t found out and killed. They were the sort of men and women who were merciless when outsiders tried to interfere with their business and you being a cop wouldn’t help at all.

When you entered the party hall, well decorated and filled, you instantly knew this was going to be harder than it initially seemed. ‘There’s no way I could find out anything just by asking questions, it’s too suspicious. I’ll just drink and blend in until I can strike up casual conversation,’ you explained to yourself as you approached a silk covered table, glasses filled with all sorts of beverages on top.

Wine seemed like a good choice, you weren't much of a drinker at all but whatever calmed the nerves! If it did at all. Again, you weren’t much of a drinker. You threw your head back as your lips pressed against the rim of the glass and downed all of what the glass contained in seconds - the flavour barely hitting your tongue and the drink simply running down your throat. Something fizzy was definitely better.

A low, impressed whistle was then let out, followed with a few claps and a voice, “impressive. I can’t say I’ve seen anyone here finish a drink as fast as you have!”

That was the start of leading you to your current predicament.

“You still have that middle aged woman hair cut I see.” Light teasing, nothing truly offensive and even he chuckled a little, head shaking at your comment. You had described it just like that when you first met, insulting him at first until you apologised sincerely and cracked some self deprecating joke about your own messy hair.

His lips held onto the rim of the glass and slowly the wine was disappearing. He seemed calm and relaxed but even he would be a bit on edge in a situation like this.

Bruno knew you were a cop, a truly good hearted one at that, you had told him about it the day you met and proved it through your conversation and actions alone. That was the problem however, being a police officer while he was the Capo you were looking for. It was a tragedy you two met again like this, and he knew you couldn’t leave this place without something to help the police force. You just had to help others in some way. He didn’t know many people who would help him out in a situation like the last.

It must have been a month ago, more or less, and he had fallen by your doorstep due to exhaustion from who knows what; he never told you after all. You never asked questions though. When he awakened, you can imagine his surprise to find himself in a stranger’s home with a woman only feet away, humming to herself as she prepared a meal. That was one of the more noticeable things about your home, how close everything was together.

“Where am I?” He asked out loud, knowing that keeping a level head would be the better option instead of panicking right off that bat. Thankfully, it had caught your attention and you rushed to his side immediately, checking to see if he was alright before explaining to him how he had passed out in front of your home. It was confusing but the pieces came together quickly. Right before blacking out, Bruno was going against a stand user who was trying to climb the ranks of the mafia and though he had succeeded in winning, the exhaustion of the battle had gotten to him too quick to comprehend.

“Name’s [F/N] by the way, I’m a cop so don’t worry about me doing anything shifty while you were asleep! Your outfit’s a bit too whack to touch anyways.”

It was just his luck that a police officer was the one who had helped him.

Still, he was grateful and even more so when you started offering him the food you were making.

“I’m Bruno, a pleasure Miss [F/N].” Better not use last names.

When you parted ways, you jokingly pouted at him, “need to go so soon? I was just about to get used to you being my new room mate, bob cut.”

“How sweet you of, perhaps I’ll be seeing you later,” he laughed, detesting the nickname while simultaneously appreciating your light-hearted and humorous nature.

“I hope that’s more of a promise than a farewell!”

Luck wasn’t kind to him again. Seeing you here like this was a curse, a mistake, anything that he could easily say was the cause of the small break in his heart. It was wrong to even feel that pain, you didn’t deserve a gangsta. Not when you were so purely justice driven.

“So you really are a capo, hm?” You didn't sound angry nor disgusted. More detached if anything, which you were. You wanted to let go of this reality and assume this was a dream mixed with a nightmare.

Now two empty glasses resided on the balcony, along with two young adults who just didn’t know where to go from here, Bruno only nodding in response to your question.

A small sigh left your lips, shaky from either the cold whipping against your exposed skin to which you tried to cover by crossing your arms, or from the nerves. “You’re not going to um-“ Noticing your shivering, Bruno had moved closer beside you and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer towards him so that he could shield you from the wind. Not entirely effective but the gesture threw you off from the horrific question you were going to ask.

He answered anyways. “Kill you? No, no, I don’t even think about hurting those you don’t deserve it. [F/N], you’re a good person. A sweet one who shouldn’t be risking herself by coming here and yet you have. I respect you far more than I show - you have to leave soon before someone notices you.”

You shook your head in response to that. You couldn’t leave! Not yet, not when you barely had any information to report. You had gotten this far, you just had to find something good, something worth knowing. “Bruno I can’t! I have to stay, just for a bit longer!”

“And risk someone finding you out?” He sounded harsh, just for a second. He softened once he noticed your worry. “I’m sorry, but you can’t just risk yourself like that. I’m going to get you out of here.”

“Bruno…”

“If it helps. Some people have been talking about terrorising the main street in a week’s time. Scare off the locals and rob what they can before anyone tries to stop them so,”

“Beef up the patrol there and we should be good,” you finished for him. It wasn’t exactly ‘take down the mafia’ intel but the fact you were alive was a miracle. “Thank you. I- I’m glad there’s at least some good in gangs, even if you seem like you’d be a better cop.” Your smile was thanks enough to him. How unfair of the moon to highlight your face like an angel’s when he should be telling it ‘goodbye.’

“Call us even, for last time.” His arm around your shoulders then lowered to be around your waist, guiding you away from the balcony and back inside, voice much lower now. “Let’s get you out of here now, if anyone asks I’ll just say you were my date who had to leave early.”

You giggled at that, “your ‘date’?”

“Hey, it makes for a good story. Plus, it makes me look good too, having a beauty like you on my side.”

Neither of you should be joking like this, the attachment was wrong. It wasn’t stopping you though, the two of you continuing to chortle at each other’s words. Quipping back, you teased him, “I don’t know if they’ll know which of us is meant to be the woman here, bob cut.”

When you were by the exit, you two made the mistake of looking into each other’s eyes, you taking a moment to appreciate his blue orbs and him doing the same with your own.

Pulling away from each other’s gaze was harder than you thought it would be. You tried to play it off by snapping your head to the side and faked a cough. “So I guess it’s goodbye again now, right?”

Bruno was looking elsewhere too. He seemed more interested in a potted plant or the wall when really he could only think of you. “Well, for now maybe. If we’re lucky, I’ll be seeing you soon.”

Was this excitement? Compose yourself, [F/N]! You were still on the job. “Make it next Friday soon, you know where to find me.” So much for composure, you were smiling.

“It’s a date.”

[rileybraxton]

Name: Riley Braxton Nickname: Brax Age: 34 FC: Paul Wesley Occupation: Tattooist at Scorpion Studios Side: Wicked Wolves Length of stay in Charming: approx. 14 years Positive traits:  + loyal, + crafty, + brave  Negative traits: - damaged, - suspicious, - hotheaded

triggers: parental adultery. drug abuse. addiction. crime. needles. 

✚ middle child ✚ due to his mother having an affair ( for years ) he and his elder brother share different fathers. however, he and his younger brother share the same father ( the guy mamma cheated with )  ✚ he was always a reckless child. it only worsened when he hit his teens and fell in with bad crowds ✚ staying out, doing disappearing acts or coming home drunk, if not drugged up too ✚ to be honest, his entire attitude stunk. he showed little to no respect for his parents, or older brother who he considered a bit of an uptight snoot ✚ if he’s honest, the only person he wasn’t a total asshole to was his younger brother ✚ he was 16 when he came home and caught his mother in bed with another man. not just any man, but his fathers best friend. the truth was exposed, it turned out that the affair had been going on for years  ✚ his mother begged him not to tell and promised to end it and he agreed. asshole so he was, he didn’t want to be the reason his father crumbled and his brother ended up with a broken home ✚ his motive may have started out purely but over the months, his bitterness? it only festered. his behaviour worsened, the disrespect began to have an impact on his parents relationship. the father just couldn’t seem to understand why his wife was seemingly letting him get away with everything he was doing ✚ he’d ask her for money which he only went out and spend on drugs. small things at first, a pill here, a spliff there. somewhere along the way he managed to get hooked on heroin, though amazingly he did manage to hide his needle poked arms ✚ it was amidst a drugged up haze that he felt some kind of penny drop. he was sat on the rooftop, watching his parents, his brother and his fathers best friend when he noticed something he hadn’t before ✚ the similarities between his man and his brother, between this man and him. the more he sat and stared, the more he couldn’t see a trace of his “father” in his own features, nor his younger brothers ✚ all it took was one out-loud thought and his mother confirmed everything with the simple look on her face. it was a lot to process, too much in-fact. which is what lead to an explosive dinner that same evening ✚ his “father” was laying into him, which wasn’t unusual. shaming him for being such a fuck up. usually he’d sit silently and take it, but this time? the words came flying out his mouth before he could think to stop them “who the fuck are you to talk to me like that? you’re not even my father. ain’t that right, mom?”  ✚ the truth came out in a hateful splurge. everything from how the affair had been going on at least 17 years, straight to “oh, and the guy? sitting right next to you” aka, the best friend ✚ so, his not so biological father ended up focusing that betrayal back onto riley, which resulted in the pair of them going toe to toe, breaking everything in sight as they threw their punches ✚ being a little shit, he was fully egging him on, “come on. that’s right. hit me. your wife’s a whore and you’re laying into me? makes perfect fucking sense” ✚ it wasn’t until he managed to get him on the floor that he noticed his little brother on the staircase, pausing the punch he was about to land on his fathers face. a simple “shit” under his breath ✚ he got up instantly, all that rage on his face disappeared and replaced with a soft warmth that he reserved only for his brother. he left to take him back up to bed, leaving his parents and the not so decent best friend to fight it out between themselves ✚ in the end it turns out they decided to stay together and try and work through it, but it only served to create a toxic environment ( more so ) ✚ riley was 20 and fully hooked on drugs when he got himself arrested for grand theft auto and it was the icing on the cake for both parents ✚ they didn’t exactly kick him out, but they made it clear he wasn’t welcome unless he cleaned his act up  ✚ surprisingly, he did try, but only after he packed up and moved in with a friend. he went cold turkey and yes, that shit fucking sucked. it was basic agony for at least three weeks before he began to feel like he was getting better ✚ rather than return home, he did perhaps one of the shittiest things a person could do & he stole his mothers jewellery that were basically family air-looms, pawned them for a few grand, bought a car and hit the road ( not before saying goodbye to his little bro and promising him he would call and visit all the time. )  ✚ in truth, he wanted to take him, but he knew it was selfish, especially when he didn’t even have a secure home ✚ he ended up in charming, fresh faced and sober. he stayed in a motel for a few months, saving money from odd jobs and focusing his energy on building a life for himself ✚ he’d always been creative, drawing & sketching came so naturally to him that he decided to train up and become a qualified tattoo artist ✚ at 22, he finally got his own place to rent and things were looking up. he’d passed his courses with flying colours, made a couple friends and even met a girl who he fell head over heels for  ✚ the only trouble was, this girl was just as reckless as he was and their entire relationship was something like a beautiful tragedy. they’d party most nights and for the first few months, everything was fine. he managed to say no every time she’d offer him a pill, every time her friends offered something stronger. truth be told, he’s not sure exactly when he slipped up, or even why. but he did, and there he was once again sticking needles in his arms and wasting away. ✚ he ended up breaking up with his girlfriend and she hit the road with a couple pals not long after - he’s never seen her since ✚ he did a good job at hiding his problem, still managing to hold down his bar jobs to pay his rent, at least for a few months. everything changed when his 14 year old brother showed up on his doorstep with all his bags ✚ once again, he forced himself to go cold turkey. if his brother insisted on living with him, riley didn’t want him to watch him destroy himself. so really, he’s quite thankful that his brother showed up when he did, who knows, it probably saved his life ✚ back on track and finally in a good place, he fell in with the wolves and quickly realised that’s exactly where he needed to be ✚ some may say it’s tempting fate, running drugs considering he’s an addict, but he vowed the day they accepted him into their fold that he’d never make them regret it ✚ fyi, he hasn’t. whilst he has fell off the wagon twice since, he never did the wolves dirty. anything he took, he paid for, any job they gave him, he completed ✚ he probably drinks more than he should and he still enjoys a spliff, but he’s never touched any other drug in 3 years and to be honest, he’s very proud of himself ✚ he got a secure job at scorpion tattoo studios 2 years ago & he really enjoys it ✚ sooo, he’s clean, he has a job, a home, a family in the form of wicked wolves and a good set of friends. life is pretty sweet ✚ that’s not to say he’s not still very hot headed & impulsive. probably quite fuckin’ damaged too, but hey, all the best people are ✚ thanks for reading my novel 

wanted connections:

✚ younger brother - CLOSED ✚ oldest brother(who’s probably a cop or smth straight shooting) - OPEN ✚ friends - OPEN ✚ old/new enemies - OPEN ✚ friends with benefits - OPEN ✚ the original ex girlfriend mentioned above - OPEN ✚ maybe a repeat client who lets him tattoo him/her with his own designs? - OPEN ✚ someone who knows he’s a recovering addict maybe? since i imagine he doesn’t typically share that info, it could be someone who’s seen him attend a meeting, or is even a recovering addict themselves - OPEN ✚ literally anything! 

[warzofstarz]

star wars Thoughts at 4 am

ok so rise of skywalker happened,,, and i have mixed feelings. i didn’t hate it but i didn’t love it either (and i usually love star wars movies), so i am in desperate need of a little rant about both the good and the bad in the conclusion of the saga

DISLIKE

1. JJ ABRAMS DISREGARDING ALL OF THE DEVELOPMENT WE EXPERIENCED DURING LAST JEDI. this is what i am most upset about. you don’t have to like tlj, but you can’t pretend it never happened. it’s like he was trying to completely backtrack on everything that happened in tlj bc it was ~his~ vision for the franchise. i think that is disrespectful to not only rian, but to fans who grew attached to the development of the characters. we see finn revert back to first movie finn (lovesick puppy lowkey), rey become an invincible child of the sith, the end of the skywalker family line, complete abandonment of rose, and a total shift in the message of the trilogy. all jammed last second into the film. the next few points all have to do w this

2. the fact that in tlj it is revealed that rey is truly nobody- she’s not some all-powerful descendant or some with royal blood- and tros completely ignores this and makes her a palpatine. the whole point before was that she’s normal, but that doesn’t make her any less powerful, smart, or strong. the message from the first two movies was that you don’t have to be in these elite categories to be special and powerful, which is an important message to every single child and adult watching. it empowers us as viewers to believe that we have the capability to be great, no matter our status, birth name, ethnicity, class, or where we are from. you can find family when you have none. you have the power to change your life. when jj decide LAST SECOND to make her a palpatine, with no clues thrown into the first two movies to lead us to believe this, it feels like a joke. the rey we had come to sympathize with is suddenly an all-powerful sith, seeming stronger than even anakin and yoda, even though she had never even completed training. this reveal is not emotional and literally loses respect rather than gaining any from the audience. a cop out. i felt less emotionally attached to rey than in the previous two films bc of her sheer perfect power

3. rose being 100% sidelined even though her character was incredible in last jedi. her arc was one that i truly couldn’t wait to see finish and sadly we never got it because she was completely abandoned so it could just be a trio once more. i love her. the disrespect.

4. the sudden introduction of zorri just so that poe has someone to flirt with??? like if you wanted to prove he was heterosexual make him flirt w someone he has actual on screen history and chemistry with, like uhhhh idk? rey?????? dont get me wrong tho she is a badass and i love how she shuts poe down!! queen

5. how they throw it in there that finn is force sensitive but don’t fully explain it?? and he never even tells rey??? this is SUCH a cool concept yet it’s never even hinted at until the third movie and its not further developed as to why. likewise i wish we saw the stormtroopers before they left the first order. see what they dealt with and the abuse they endured bc it’s such an important facet of the trilogy and literally drives finns character

6. how we never touch on why poe felt it when rey was tortured?

7. i wish leia hadn’t died and she rallied support w lando

8. if they are a dyad why didn’t rey and ben fight palpatine together?? then no one would have died??

9. i’m just really sad that they chose to kill ben because even though rey takes their name, the skywalker bloodline is gone, while a palpatine lives on. the entire purpose of the first six movies is anakin bringing balance by defeating palpatine. somehow, palpatine survived this (never explained!!!!), which completely defeated the purpose of the first six films and strips anakins chosen one status and ultimate sacrifice of any true importance. in the end of tros, the palpatine bloodline lives on while the skywalker bloodline is gone, and i can’t help but to feel like that contradicts the theme of the original saga in which the skywalkers defeat palpatine and hope lives on.

10. lastly, i just don’t think george lucas would have wanted ben to die. when people kill off main characters to make the movie more emotional, he has literally said “i don’t like that and i don’t believe that” he goes on to say that he hates when main characters are killed, stating “the whole point of the film, the whole emotion that i am trying to get at the end of the film, is for you to be real uplifted, emotionally and spiritually, and feel absolutely good about life. that is the greatest thing we could ever possibly do.” so, i’m sure some of you could see why i have a little issue with killing someone who has finally recognized the error of their ways and wants to be better. yes, he has done awful things that cannot be separated from his new identity as ben, but i think that it would have been even more impactful to make him live with the crimes he has committed and still make him keep fighting his demons to join his legacy on the light side. overall, bens death left a sour taste in my mouth, and for that reason i don’t walk out feeling uplifted. i just wish i knew what george lucas is thinking right now.

LIKE

1. ben solo’s arc and han. now, before some of you pop off at me, i still think he was awful and horrible and didn’t deserve instant forgiveness, but i also think that someone who has grown up his entire life being treated like the spawn of satan by all adults who are supposed to love him would fuck him up majorly, like it would to anyone else in that situation. i think that he deserved another chance at experiencing love and happiness, and i absolutely adored the scene with him and han solo. it was honestly one of the best parts of the whole movie. thank you harrison ford. the whole “i don’t think i’m strong enough” and him tearing up to his dad CUT DEEP. AND THE “dad-“ “i know” LIKE LITERALLY MY HEART. bringing back the “i love you” “i know” so they are LITERALLY TELLING EACH OTHER THEY LOVE EACH OTHER!!! i’m at peace. adam driver’s acting was absolutely phenomenal. so much respect for him. truly incredible.

2. i loved poe and rey’s bickering. lowkey thought it built some chemistry between them. and how poe seemed quite jealous that finn knew stuff about rey that he didn’t, literally asking him more than once (1nce) about it, like???? han leia vibes. tea. but also poe and finn

3. i really liked jannah SOOO much (and i usually am not one for introducing a character so late) but, like i explained in detail above, i wish they had built that backstory better and introduced her a little bit sooner with more screen time. but i loved her and finns connection and understanding of their trauma.

4. FINN AND POE BEING THE CUTEST HUMANS EVER. that’s all. i just love how they care so very much about each other like stop. cogenerals.

5. ALL THE JEDI VOICES WERE SO FREAKING COOL. CHILLS.

6. i honestly think that’s all. i don’t have anything more

7. OH WAIT HUX BEING THE SPY. i ate that shit up. yes. we stan. AND the hint that he was going along w poe’s phone call in tlj so that the resistance could escape (that’s how poe KNEW it) like YES

8. the animation of young luke and leia made my heart weep

9. that lil sketchy bitch babu and the new cone droid that talks,, mmm

10. OH THAT THE FORCE BOND LETS THEM TRANSMIT OBJECTS THRU IT LIKE THE VADER MASK SCENE WAS ICONIC

11. this is so sad that i am putting this in my “like” parts but the fact that they didn’t kill chewie and that they showed him being so torn up about leias death

12. OH AND CHEWIE GETTING HIS MEDAL THAT WAS SO HYPE

13. rey burying the skywalker lightsabers and looking into the sunset, perfectly tying back to luke doing the same 42 years ago

overall, if i don’t think too hard, i did like it and felt kind of at peace. BUT it could’ve been much better @ JJ :/ i feel like it didn’t do the saga justice as the “conclusion of the saga” bc there is still so much left unanswered. but, like i said, i did enjoy it a lot and have so much love for this world. rant over. i love u star wars. thank u for everything. <3

[twdmusicboxmystery]

TWD 10x14: Look at the Flowers - First Thoughts

How did everyone like the episode? I have to say, me and my fellow theorists were really worried this would be a supremely boring episode for TD. The spoilers were just so lack luster. Nothing like last week when we found out about Rick’s boots, you know? So we just hoped we would see some good symbolism. The kind of stuff the spoilers wouldn’t ever touch on.

I’m happy to say that there really is tons of good symbolism in this episode. It does feel a bit like a filler episode, because nothing huge happens. There are basically two story lines going on here. Eugene’s group heading out to meet Stephanie, and in that respect it’s a bridge to that story line because we only see them traveling but they don’t truly “get there” before the end of the episode. And the rest is a huge turning point in Carol’s arc. Which is great, but something like that is always going to be a little less interesting to us TDers. But, thankfully, I saw plenty of things that made me super excited for what’s to come.

***As always, spoilers abound below for 10x14. Don’t read until you’ve watched! You’ve been warned!***

Eugene, Yumiko and Zeke:

I’ll give you the best one first. Out of a clear blue sky, Eugene starts taking about CHOCOLATE BUNNIES for Easter. Not only has the rabbit symbolism been around since S4, but Eugene actually mentions Easter. And what does Easter celebrate? Resurrection. The Stephanie expedition is SO gonna lead to Beth. Plus, they were next to a set of train tracks during this convo, and Eugene even points that out, so I think that’s important.

When Zeke’s group reached the city, there was tons of pink and purple galore. And that’s because of the Princess character, but those colors are important. There’s the pink theory, of course. But there is also lots of purple and fuchsia. Purple is actually a big color when it comes to the Christian holidays of Advent and Lent. I’ll get into more of that tomorrow.

Furthermore, a lot of the walkers the Princess has dressed up and chained up look exactly like the Rich Bitch walker from Still.

Also, with the police walker? They find a car with a walker cuffed to the steering wheel and the cop walker cuffed to the front buffer. The car’s airbags are deployed. Not only is there an imprisonment theme going on there, but it reminds me of Carol getting hit by the Grady car. And also of the sighting of Emily being seen driving one of the cop cars around. It’s almost like the Princess set this up like a humorous scene. A car hitting a cop. And they draw attention to it by having Zeke laugh at it. That just screams Grady to me.

Along the way, Eugene’s group saw walkers in cages with a bird. Mostly, I think it was a foreshadow of imprisonment. And specifically, an imprisoned bird.

Let’s talk Zeke for a minute. They are SO setting up his death fake out. While I still can’t say exactly when it will come, I do suspect that he won’t make it back from this trip in a conventional way. I think Yumiko and Eugene will “lose” him and think he’s dead and return to tell Carol that he’s “gone.” And then, because she finally decided to get it together and start again, she’ll have tons of guilt and grief. 

I just felt like everything about Zeke’s stuff here was heavily foreshadowing that. They camped under a bridge. There was a flower graffitied on the pillar of it. Reminded me of the one by Carol and Tara in s8. His horse died of a walker bite. (And you know, this is a minute detail, but I’m wondering if it won’t be a matter of someone simply using radiation to heal his cancer, but rather, like the other fake outs, there will be a walker bite and they’ll be treating him specifically for that and sort of heal his cancer by accident.)

When his horse dies,  Zeke kills it and is very emotional and wants Yumiko to promise that if he falls while in the city, she’ll leave him behind. She says no, but just feels like a really obvious foreshadow.

I also had a thought about Eugene. My fellow theorists and I have often discussed the scene from 5x05 when Eugene sits on the fire truck and reads the book, “The Shape of Things to Come” and then Maggie talks to him about Sampson. It’s just such a blatant biblical reference and we’ve always struggled to understand its significance for Eugene. 

So, it occurs to me that Eugene used to have short hair and now it’s super long. Like all the way down his back. He used to be weak and afraid but he’s kind of become a badass in his own right. At least, as far as killing walkers goes. His speech about being the fool brought Sampson to mind because Sampson is often seen as Delilah’s fool. I’m just wondering if Eugene has become Sampson and Stephanie will be his Delilah.

Beta:

So Beta’s back and probably wants revenge for Alpha’s death. Dude is definitely not going gentle into that good night.

The place Beta went to definitely smacked of the golf club, and there were tons of important symbols in there. (Booze, crosses, a guitar, etc.) I’ll get to more of them tomorrow.

The song lyrics have some interesting themes.The first one is Emily’s Turtle and Monkey song. The last one is too, I believe. The one in the middle is different. I have a lot to say about the song lyrics. I’ll get into that tomorrow. 

And it occurred to me that we once again have a representation of Alpha and Beta being an evil twin version of Beth and Daryl. Beta breaking the guitar could represent Beth getting shot, and he’s lost Alpha in much the way Daryl lost Beth. Then, at the end, he wears some of Alpha’s face, which is a sick, twisted version of Daryl keeping Beth’s knife. Carrying a part of her with him. Then he marches off to war, just as Daryl would participate in AOW and the Whisper Wr.

Carol:

Let’s talk Carol first. While I know the shippers are running wild, I don’t even particularly feel like addressing that. They’ll always come up with something totally ludicrous. And remember, they believed this was the episode where Daryl and Carol would hook up or declare their undying love. Or…something. Once again, that didn’t even come close to happening.

But I’ll point out some things here that will show how exactly the opposite is happening. While this is a major, turning point in Carol’s arc, she’s also a proxy for Beth here, and I’m pretty sure she returned to Alexandria to patch things up with Zeke.

Okay, Carol does mental battle with herself in the form of Alpha, right? And it’s actually really interesting if you listen to what’s being said. Everyone Carol has ever lost is mentioned, including Lizzy, Mica, Sophia, and even Ed. Alpha razzes her about being a defective parent and says Ed was right about her. It’s pretty brutal, but obviously Carol doing battle with her own soul.

Then she gets trapped under the boat and the debris from the shed. Alpha encourages her to just accept her death and let it bite her. (Insight about that in a minute.) Carol, of course, breaks free and kills the walker, saving herself. She says, “it’s never too late.”

So, I think this is very much an epiphany moment for Carol and she’s probably going back to start over, patch things up with Zeke and try to be human again. She doesn’t say that or anything, but it says a lot that she was trying hard to leave the group (a la S5-s7) but after this breakthrough, so goes back to Alexandria of her own accord.

Honestly guys, this gives me a little bit of hope for Carol. I’ve been thinking lately that she’s on a Shane-esque downward spiral that she’s really not ever going to recover from. Up until now, she’s been so all-consumed with killing Alpha, that she really couldn’t focus on anything. But now, some part of her recognizes that it’s not too late and probably wants the happiness she once had with Zeke. It’s a big enough part of her that she actually went back to Alexandria. That’s good. That’s a big change for her.

Do I think she’s going to get the happiness just yet? Mmmm….no.

I’ll talk about this more below, but I’m pretty sure Zeke’s death fake out will come before he returns from his trip with Eugene. So just when Carol gets it together and wants to patch things up with him, she’ll find out he’s “died.” Yeah, everyone’s life sucks. But it will just be a death fake out. Still, this mentality from Carol is a step in the right direction.

The insight I mentioned above? The” look at the flowers” line comes from Alpha when she’s encouraging Carol to let the walker bite her. She says, “you should just look at the flowers.” And she’s encouraging her to accept her death. I’d never thought of it quite that way before, but that phrase doesn’t just mean death. It means to accept death and not fight to live. If you think of how it was used before with Lizzie and Mica, that was true too. But Carol fights to live and kills the walker and goes back to Alexandria to start again. That’s why it’s such a big deal for her. She chooses to move forward instead of running away again. And only when she does that does Ghost Alpha disappear. Just thought that was interesting.

Okay, so how is Carol a proxy for Beth. Watching the episode the first time, I was a little mystified by the ending. It almost felt like a time jump. We see Carol say, “it’s never too late,” and Daryl and Negan decide she won’t be returning to the boundary, so they head home. 

Then we see her approaching the gate of Alexandria and Daryl is already there. It was just kind of…abrupt. We didn’t see them journey home. So not a huge jump. A few hours or the next day, but still. We don’t really know if the Hilltoppers went to Alexandria or not (I’m gonna assume they did, until we find out otherwise). We don’t know if Negan is there too (again, I’ll assume he is because he was with Daryl). And we still don’t know what’s up with Aaron, Alden, baby Adam, Luke, or Lydia. It’s like they jumped way ahead in the story for some reason.

Then I rewatched it, and a particular line jumped out at me that sort of brought the entire thing together. Let’s backtrack for a minute. So, when Carol gets trapped under the boat? I pictured it differently after reading the spoiler. I assumed it would flip over and land over her and she’d be trapped in the natural dome of space beneath it, created by an upside down boat. But it’s not just the boat that falls. The entire shed collapses and there’s heavy debris resting on her chest and pinning her painfully to the ground. I had the thought that visually it looked a lot like the trapped walker Morgan killed after the credits in Coda.

But what made me really consider it was Negan and Daryl’s convo. Negan says “not to spin a broken record, but I don’t think she’s coming back.” Obviously the record thing stood out to me (and Beta also plays a record so there’s a music/record theme going on). But not until watching it the second time did the entire line of dialogue hit me.

He’s obviously talking about Carol, but the line could be applied to Beth. And should be because of the record reference. “I don’t think she’s coming back.” To which Daryl replies, “I know.” Then he leaves, rather than waiting for or searching for Carol. So, he accepts that she’s not coming back and moves on (kind of like he did with Beth). But after that, at a later time and completely independent of him, Carol shows up at Alexandria. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Meanwhile Eugene and Zeke are headed toward Grady. Um, I mean, some random hospital. ;D

Okay, I’ll stop there for today. I’ll be back tomorrow with details. What did you think of the episode?

[popculturebuffet]

Close Enough Season 2 Review! or Josh Murders About 10 People

It's been hard to put into words just how wonderful a surprise this season getting released this month was. For starters before JG Quintel announced it last year shortly after season 1, I honestly was convinced season 2 wasn't happened. Do NOT get me wrong, Season 1 of Close Enough was one of the best parts of last year: It was funny, had a lot of heart, a great voice cast, and a great cast of characters that was throughly likeable and broke sitcom stereotypes, having a doofy husband and more straight laced wife with layers who clearly love and respect each other and BOTH can be prone to taking things too far instead of JUST Josh screwing up. Add in two great fellow leads Bridgette and Alex played by two of my faviorite va's, Kimiko Glen and Jason Mantzokus, whose name I finally learned how to spell, an adorable daughter and neat but out of focus neighbors and supors pearle and randy, and the show was just damn near perfect and felt like an improvement on regular show, taking the same humor and animation style but to an older cast and audience with more nuanced and likeable characters, and far more character development per episode. I wanted to see where the show would go.. but I was convinced given the show was leftover inventory from an animation block that never happened held over to give HBO Max some content it'd be canceled after one season, because I can't have nice things. But....

And very happily so: JG Quintel revealed the show had been picked up for season 2 not long after season 1 dropped, having listned to fans. As it turns out though they hadn't.. they just had a ton of faith in the show as I got ANOTHER bombshell earlier this month. While the show had showed up on the schedule for this month late in January, with no release date on said schedule, I wasn't 100% sure the show was coming back this month or that it wasn't just an error. But once again, I was wrong, it was earth all along, and they merely saved it for the press release for their adult animation lineup: alongside the huge and welcome bombshell they were the ones picking up the Clone High reboot and for two seasons, Close enough not only got two more seasons publicly announced, but fimrly revealed season 2 launched February 25th. LIke they likely had with infinity train the show was quitely picked up for another season, and they simply waited to announce it till the right time. Though unlike infinity train, they had faith in it to become a big hit and while they SHOULD HAVE with infinity train and should've accepted it was already a big hit simply not with the target demographic, it's still nice to see that after all it went through Close Enough not only got renewed but is now the network's flagship adult animated show, closely tied with harley quinn, and will likely go on as long as it wants to.

So naturally given I reviewed all of season 1 in the hopes i'td get renewed, I was happy to make room for season 2 and continue covering it and over the moon it was happening so soon. However I'm doing things diffrently this time: instead of flooding the tag with individual longform reviews, i'm reviewing the season all one go, to see if this format could work for me as I have tons of other shows i'd love to cover in this format that are either heavily comedic like say the Great North, regular show or the simpsons and thus dont' lend themselves to riffing as much and leave me less to do per episode, or more seralized shows like she ra or ones that are entirely complete like Steven Universe or Gravity falls that I could cover alone but this format could help expidite covering. Gravity Falls is also one of my patreon stretch goals if your instrested as is a whole lot of ducktales stuff, link on my blog. It also works with my much larger workload with a much tighter schedule, 6 reviews a week with a flex day in case I get behind so everything comes out as good as it posisbly can be, versus my original method of...

TLDR: One big post with smaller reviews each episode and an overall coverage of what changed this season and how good it is as a whole. We good? Good, then join me under the cut for some delightful sentient presents, couch ghosts, and jim fucking crunch as we get close enough to the heart.

I will never get tired of that image. I want it blown up and put on a banner at my funeral. But death plans aside let's get into the season

Slight Tweaks to a Great Formula: Given it's slice of life format based largely around likeable multi layered characters in comedic absurdity, not a lot has changed nor did it need to. What has are just simple tweaks to make things even better. For starters a natural result of getting to the episodes now produced directly for the 11 minute format means the pacing is much focused, subbing in full subplots for the occasional runner instead, and often only using what characters the episode needs. It will use the main five often, but the lack of subplots for the most part allows stronger focus on one or two characters to give the stories added weight and nuance and often laughs. While i'll always love season 1, this allows for much tighter stories and allows for everyone to get some major screen time instead of mostly Josh and Emily in season 1. It does mean we sadly get less of my boy Alex per episode but it's a sacrifice i'm willing to make if it means the show can grow and take more risks and evolve naturally. Though the former probably wasn't help by two of his three episodes being kinda weak, but i'll get to that.

The other noticeable change is Pearle and Randy. While they were promoted as main characters, even getting profiles along with the rest, they were in practice recurring characters in season 1, showing up pretty frequently but with only one starring episode for Randy and none for Pearle. And givne Pearle has an interesting backstory as a cop who likely had to put up with a LOT being a black woman officer, as well as raising a white redneck, while also being hilarious and having a fun energy to her, I felt they kinda wasted her in season 1.

Here though? Both have been bumped up to main cast proper, getting two focus episodes a piece (compared to the other main adults each getting three, some of those shared, and Candace getting one, hopefully more in the future as it was really good, along with, to my delight, mr.cambell also getting one), appearing far more in supporting roles and generally showing up with the main group a lot more. They still don't hang out with our loveable family all the time, but it makes sense as they have their own apartment and stuff to deal with, but it feels far more like their part of the main group. The show always treated them like this mine, but showing up more makes their friendships with their tenants feel more genuine, as it feels like their part of their lives more, whlie having their own to deal with we get to see now.

So while the series didn't change much, as I said it didn't need to and all of this is stuff is the kind of thing I wanted, especially Pearle getting a larger role and Randy being fleshed out from a dollar store version of muscle man into his own similar but difference character, and i'm happy to have it. So now i've talked about how the seasons' changed, let's talk about the episodes themselves. Grab a snack this is going to take a bit.

The Episodes!:

Josh Gets Shredded: 

Our premier and honestly it's a solid one with a singular premise on poking fun at gym culture, though in a nice twist Jim Crunch, the guy who runs the Gym Josh ends up going to to strengthen his core to play with Candace and whose voiced wonderfully by Kevin Michael Richardson is a genuinely good guy and there's no horrifying twist with him. He just wants Josh to get ripped and dosen't know his training is keeping josh from candace. IT's a simple setup of a father doing something for his daughter but getting distracted by it and while not new it works well here and we get plenty of fun gym jokes, including an exchange from Jim and Josh when Josh wants to become an "absolute unit", which in this case ends up meaning turning into the hulk but with the glowing firey eyes of an angry god, feels like it came straight out of the hockey bros from letterkenny, which is a good feeling to have. There's also a nice setup with Candace wanting to play king kong with Josh due to seeing it in class (Specially the Peter Jackson remake, also Candace knows who jack black is which I buy because of who her daddy is. I wouldn’t be surprised if Josh had Saving Silverman on a loop for several days until emily threw it out the window like a frisbee. ), which kicks off the whole thing.. and ends with ultra instinct hulk josh taking her to the top of a building and swatting away helicopters. It’s more of an average episode for the series and the runner about Emily being REALLY hot for buff josh comes off as a weaker version of the plot from family guy where Lois likes a thinner peter, apart from one inspired bit where in order to talk to him about candace without getting distracted, Emily pours an entire bag of ice down her pants.. and subtly after Josh talks about becoming an absolute unit, it’s gone nad rather than animation I like to believe it melted. Still a decent start to a great season. 

Meet the Frackers: A Randy Spotlight episode and unlike his season one episode rather than be a subplot in another episode it’s a full episode about him. And the starting incident is great as the gang gets their ancestry results back from costco, with Emily and Bridgette having ancestors in Guadalajara and Kiyoto.. and Josh being white (”Can you believe it?”). Alex coming from a long line of creeps is also pretty funny, those are his actual results by the way. 

But what the episodes truly about is Randy finding out his parents are alive in Malibu after Pearle claimed they were dead when he was a kid. She had a very good reason though: Randy’s parents were serial gas thieves, and Pearle nearly caught them one night with the two chucking him at her to escape. And to her credit Pearle TRIED to reach out to them once they ended up in jail for their crimes.. but they again chucked him at her which is hilarious. She simply didn’t want him to feel abandoned. He instead feels betrayed. 

His parents are hilariously white trash and played by two faviorite va’s of mine, David Kochner and Wendy Malick, who i’m happy is finally playing a lead roll on Owl House. They drink redneck maragretihas and eat mcribs (As Randy puts it “God’s favorite sandwich!”) every day and still steal gas, just legally now as frackers. Naturally though the two are still assholes and soon use a carnival as a cover to illegally frack and it’s up to Randy an dhis real mom to stop them> It’s a touching story with Randy genuinely wanting to hlep his mom, though I feel it would’ve been more interesting if Randy’s parents hadn’t been scum an dhe had to genuinely deal with having three parents now. Still it was worth it for some great lines from Malick and Kochner , so it works. Decent ep. 

Sauceface: Now we come to both one of the best eps of the season, and the series so far, and one of it’s most unique as it stars Candace and dosen’t feature the other main cast hardly at all, only Emily who kicks things off by, in a great bit, breaking Candace’s illusion their rich as “they live in a castle with alex and bridgette”, with her slowly realizing “Were poor”. Which is just a very kid thing to think that your parents are rich when they very much aren’t. 

But the episode really is a crime boss parody story, as the title would imply as Candace and her best friend start selling hot sauce, which is banned from the school due to it’s political correctness having gone mad and it being offensive to “sensitive palates” (They’ve also banned general tso’s chicken for mitlarialism and everything bagels for being “too much”). This leads where you’d expect: Candace getting drunk with power and forgetting why theys tarted, wet willies, and an art room brawl, all leading to candace’s friend getting pinched and candace having to use the money to buy Mr. Cambell a pelaton to get him off their backs, which leads to this lovely exchange “YOur letting them off just because they bought you a present?” “This is a 2000 dollar bike”. We also get the subtle reveal Mr. Cambell is gay which given how straight the main cast is, is nice.  But this was a great one with too many good gags to mention, a great setup, a great rolling stones song played during the montage I do not know the name of, and I hope we get other candace advnetures at her school in the future, because this was a real delight. Again one of the best episodes of the season. 

The House Guest From Hell: Speaking of best episodes, this is probably the best pairing of episodes yet, as both are standouts of the season. 

Emily’s old friend Becca drops back into her life, to everyone’s annoyance as Becca is an utter leech who constantly take advantage of Emily’s lack of boundaries with her to constantly talk about whatever drama she’s wrapped herself in and mooch off her. Josh and Bridgette want her to set firm boundaries, but Emily fails to and instead only gets Becca to set boundaries with her boyfriend.. which leads to her moving into the apartment temporarily, and annoying the hell out of everyone. Becca is a great character, being that asshole in the most over the top and annoying way possible, to the point she takes alex’s room, watches tv on a loop and doesn’t seem to realize Emily is married (Despite being part of her bridal party), or that candace is Emily’s daughter and not a tiny butler (Which Candace assumes is a game. )

Naturally for this show things escalate hilariously as Emily finds out she’s pregnant when she tries to throw her out and the pregnancy is escalated.. and we soon find out it’s because the pregnancy is demonic: She has Hecate as her dula (And Alex naturally asks if she’s single, get it guy get it), needs goats hoves, locusts and the blood of the innocent (Which is the only item that trips josh up who hopes they can get it at costco, which made me have to pause as I could not stop laughing). This would be funny enough. .but what takes it into making this episode a classic is when Emily tricks her boyfriend Luke over he’s unsurprisingly a devil.. but also a hilariously over the top douchebag dudebro played by Beck  Bennet, who it’s not only nice to see outside of ducktales, but is also just totally game. Luke is so odious it wraps around to being funny, to the point he unsurprisingly hits on Bridgette while his girlfriend is in labor, messily makes out with her and they try to move in, though thankfully Emily cathartically screams Becca out midbirth. Also they end up going to hell, with Luke getting there by doing donuts. Yes really. This episode is a treasure and does the series schitck of taking a relatable problem and escalating it to perfection. 

Joint Break:

Another unsurprisingly good one, as Pearle deals with the fact that despite her decades of service, the force’s health plan doesn’t cover her needed hip surgery after she slides over a car wrong (Which also leads to a great riff on the old csi Miami parody). She then finds herself between her oath as an officer and her needs for help as she befriends a gang of saucy old women at water aerobics who are also bank robbers and want to cut her in. And they provide a tempting offer, getting what their owed and ti feels like a genuine dilemma, even if Pearle ends up siding with the police, not that she should. It’s also full of great bits of the old lady gang weaponizing stereotypes about old people, with the three of them dawning classic old lady getups to fool an officer, and having one of them i a walker slowly cross the street to stop an armored truck. Fun stuff helped by their leader being voiced by Jane Lynch, continuing this season’s red hot guest star streak, not that the series has ever been light on them (They got David Hasselhoff and weird al in season 1, so yeah), but this season ramps up the good guest voices to the point there’s one per episode almost. 

Cyber Matrix: This one’s okay though the setup is good. Unsurprisingly given both his dale gribble-esque penchant for conspiracies and his hipster holier than thou ways, Alex has never had a smart phone, and has a very old flip hone that’s horrifc to look at and naturally gets destroyed, leading to him getting addicted to the thing.. and this being the show it is fusing with it. What makes this one is the climax, as the rest of the main group scramble to take out the cell tower so Alex’s phone doesn’t upload him to the cloud while Josha nd Alex open everything they can to slow her down. The result is the phone hacking Emily’s and ordering packages, task rabbits to punch her inthe face (With randy taking it so they can go) and outright hijacking a car in a clever chase. The ending though does sink this as suddenly their in veirutal reality again and it just feels weird given the series, while not really using continuity much so far, dosne’t have negavite continuity punch out endings outside of this one ep and I hope this dosen’t happen again. Otheriwse a decent one if sadly not one of Alex’s best and he equally sadly onlyg ets one truly great episode this season, compared to having a good chunk of the best plots last season. Still you can’t win em all and i’m sure my boy will return to form and said great episode, which we’ll get to soon, certainly shows they didn’t loose their touch. They just fumbled a bit and that’s okay. 

Haunted Couch: Balancing that out is the fact that Bridgette, who didn’t get nearly as many good eps as Alex or as much focus as the rest, gets some great episodes this season with this one being my out and out favorite as it fleshes her out more and has some really great gags. Josh brings in a street couch (And he and Emily’s argument over it is great including him using the fact she forced them to get a savings account as leverage somehow), just as Bridgette is in emotional turmoil over her latest boyfriend suddenly ghosting her. 

Naturally she ends up falling for a REAL ghost, a french couch designer who had a habit of cheating on his lovers, died for it by one of their hands, and his soul ended up bound to the couch. Naturally hea nd Bridgette hit it off and we get a LOT of good stuff in a montage as the two take the couch everywhere, and her friends, minus Alex who surprisingly rather than being jealous, simply dosen’t like the fact there’s a ghost in the house technically haunting them which surprisingly goes nowhere, are happy for her and like him after the initial shock wears off, though Josh still wants to sit on the couch. He and Bridgette even have really good sex using Randy’s body, with him being a willing vesel for Marcus. And i’d just like to point out that an intensely weird comedy show that also has a sentient present, bob vila with saw hands, and dude bro satan in this very season, 2/3 of those to come.. STILL did this better than wonder woman 87, as they actually asked someone to let the ghost of the couple use his body so they could fuck, and he gave full consent to it. And no I sitll haven’t let that go, it was a very bad plotline with nightmarish implications and the fact close enough did it better in a joke, they also have the song from ghost in the background by the by, than a big budget movie from the same company, is a really large bilboard saying:

But while the episode was thoroughly interesting and funny.. it’s what happens next that makes it one of the series best. While the series is amazing at comedy, it’s the character growth slid in between it that makes it so awesome and this episode is a great example. Bridgette turns cold towards Marcus as it’s clear he’s serious, and he’s even moved a tooth brush in. She gets more and more hostile until eventually Marcus calls her on it, and prevents her from leaving with a vortex of furniture.. which could’ve gone bad very quick but instead just means she has to face him.. and is hit with a rather painful relization when he asks “Do you what me to, how you say, ghost you?” (She explained the concept earlier). She says no.. but quickly a series of flashbacks puts the previous breakup in context as the guy she was seeing asked to leave a toothbrush, a  simple escalation and she got real nasty real quick without saying what the problem was. We see more of this with a previous boyfriend and hilaroiusly one before that guy who not only had a toothbrush in a ringbox but was also in a hot air ballon she casually cuts the anchors too and has float away. Which does mean Bridgette probably killed a man but that’s one compared to josh’s 10 this season. Yes, 10. We’ll get to that. 

Point is she realizes “oh shit i’m the dick”, and has a genuine talk with Marcus, realizing why: “You know how women feign being submissive because society’s taught them to so they don’t get raped or murdered or kidnapped?” “Oui”, best bit of the episode and damn if it ain’t horribly true. But due to tha Bridgette simply got terrible quick to scare guys off when she really just wanted to break it off instead of take things further and breaks it off with marcus.. and is surprised and relieved when he doesn’t want a big fight and takes it acceptably, Marcus having grown from his past of being a women using cad and genuinely wanting to treat them better. For once Bridget gets to have an emotionally mature breakup with someone, and while you could say her relationship with alex is like that, it’s very clear from an upcoming episode it wasn’t a very clean break at first and while their amicable now their marriage was a hot volcano of arguments. This allos Marcus to pass.. if also destroying the couch to Josh’s misery. An instant classic and one of the season’s highlights and one that really fleshes Bridgette out a bit by giving another reason for her relationships not working besides alex that fits the character perfectly and has her grow from it. 

Also just a quick sidenote, this episode vaguely reminded me of the Nightmare Time, theater troupe team starkid’s zoomcast I highly recommend set in their hatchetfield multiverse, episode “Jane’s a Car” , which is about a man’s wife possessing his car and also involves an object. Both are very diffrent mind you, Jane’s a Car ends up way more depressing, but its’ stil la story involving ghost fucking though Bridgette found a vesel instead of straight up fucking a couch the way tom went to town on that car. It also involves the lead’s perosnal issues, if far more severe in Jane’s a Car’s case, reflected by their relationship with a ghost. I mean it is a stretch but these are the weird connectoins my brain makes and I mostly bring it up because an  upcoming episode in the season goes from kind of similar but only to me to very similar, and a very fun concidence that these two episodes existed in the same year, especially since this happened last year with this show and Ducktales. But first josh doing a murder on some people. 

Man Up:

Okay for starters the title man up reminds me of this short lived abc sitcom I never saw but given it was about three guys tapping into their “inner man” it sounds like aresnic somehow took the sentient form of a tv show. This actual poster for it not only proves the point but why it lasted one season if not why the hell I remembered this existed at all despite never seeing it, not recognizing anyone in it and not wanting anything to do with it. 

Given I have 8 more episodes to go after this one, I do not have time to disect all the way that poster is a waking nightmare, though i’d love to, and instead i’m going to talk abotu the episode itself. The intro is funny enough, with the Ramierz-Singletons going to a bank for Candace’s first bank account, the Bank of Hollywood. An alien seemingly attacks, it turns out to be a promotional stunt with high budget effects a great gag in of itself, but Josh runs out on his family.  Naturally he’s horribly rattled by this, and wants to be a better dad, a John McClane type. So two things: I now want a crossover with this show and brooklyn nine nine along with the hatchefield one in my head and the regular show one most fans want. And the second is that John wasn’t the best dad or husband, and both the original film, the sequel josh saw, and the fourth film all spell this out. The fifth does too but I feel if I wish hard enough a good day to die hard will just spontaneously cease to exist and we’ll all be happier that way. 

So Pearle agrees to help him, and we get a fun training montage, with Josh protecting a candace made of eggs Alex made, because of course he did, and an emily made of the same because of course he did, and get punched in the junk by randy in a dog costume, as you do. He actually feels tough and is ready for phase 2, pearle hitting him with something unexpectdly.

Instead what he thinks is Phase 2 is actually a die hard style hyjacking of Emily’s company christmas party, which josh misses due to being in the bathroom after panickily running into corn. As a result.. we get josh killing about 8-10 people not realizing it’s not a simulation but not really caring about that part when it’s revealed. Which granted it is in self defense but he still kills a LOT of people this episode, and I will be forever haunted by the fact that stringbean can REALLY do some murders. Seriously who knew JOSH had it in him. That is terrifying to comprehend. Naturally after he john mclanes his way up, he finds out it wasn’t a simulation panics but instead of running away runs the hans gruber knockoff, whose sadly not very entertaining out of the building and onto some exploding corn, saving the day, earning his family’s respect and cemnting himself as a badass. The reveal of what the text actually was is just.. perfect as it’s just a bat on a string with Alex saying “he’s totally going to shit”. The perfect capper to good ep only hampred by hans being really weak.. seriously he just has a weird sentence sturcture tha’ts hte joke. They can do better. Otherwise a good die hard parody. John would be proud. 

Handy:

Another decent one not a standout but it has a truly astounding bit. Randy finds out, after going to Guy Fieri’s flavor diaster for Pearle, that she hired another handyman and he’s not good at his job as as he puts it “I’m going to do what troubled young men have done for years : i’m going to sea!”. Which is funny enough but leads to him stranded on a desert island, hallucinating and then meeting his idols in handy manning who may or may not be hallucinations: Bob Vila, The Ikea Mascot (Who speaks only in pictures and is a fun gag despite never having seen him before this episode) and my favorite tim the tool man taylor, whose tie is constantly pointed up for some reason and who amazingly only speaks in grunts. I didn’t know I needed this so thank you close enough. We also get the three helping with bob turning his hands into buzzsaws, ikea man creating nails and screws and Tim using his head as a tool. All accurate to their original shows and in ikea man’s case brocures. Really good adaptation. But through this he discovers the clog the guy is trying to fix at the house is loadbearing and rushes home to save the house, leading to a fun actoin scene and a weird version of the celebration from the end of return of the jedi, complete with force ghosts. So we also get a tim taylor force ghost which I did not know I needed and as much as that show makes my stomach churn I badly hope shows up in the finale of last man standing. A decent one and givne how I keep sayin ga decent episode over and over you can kinda see why I didn’t review all these. LIke season 1 I simply don’t have a full review in me for every single one of these episodes. We’re now at the halfway mark, only 8 more to go, I envy the dead, let’s do this. 

Birthdaze: This was the episode most heavily promoted in the trailer and for good reason as it’s the best of the season. Also relatable as while not having kids I do get how Kids Birthday parties feel and how they often end up weirdly close together. In this case both coalse as Josh and Emily have three birthdays in one weekend, their friends Emily’s friend Trish from “Cool Moms”, who is so far some of the only continuity the series has, but a nice sign it has it, and that we could see Jim Crunch (who rose from the grave after an utterly wonderful funeral) or Dog Boy again. Or this episode’s standout gifty. But we’ll get to that in a second.  So Josh and Emily well intentiondly decide to throw a party for the parents at the same time as Candace’s.. but end up neglecting Candace. While their idea is good, to reward the other parents for having to sit through so many parties, putting it at the same time was a horrible idea as giving a bunch of pent up people with low alcohol tolerance booze ends up resulting in drunken antics and them heckling the magicain... and given the world we’re in, that’s a horrible mistake as he makes the children disappear to a world of perptual brithday parties and forces JOsh and Emily to follow him if they want their child back.  What results is an utter delightly as we meet the wonderful and incomprable Gifty, a giant living present who works iwth the magician, named sardini, and is voiced by Kate Miccuci, heart eyes> Just.. evey bit with gifty is great, from her genuinely being animated and looking like a muppet, to her casually going demonic to explain if the kids stay too long they forget parents, to as seen up top playing a pipe organ that is apparently made of gold plated clown bones, and her best bit, which I posted on this very blog, where she assures the trapped kids if JOsh and Emily fail their final test, they’ll get to live of nutricious necco wafers before vomiting a giant cloud of them at the poor children. Those things are gross and we now knwo it’s because they come from a giant present’s stomach. 

We get a great montage before most of that of our heroes treking through a weird and awesome birthday landscape with too many good parts to mentoin, before finding Sardini who puts them through tests before they can get candace back.. and one of those are you human image tests via the ball from phantasm. As gifty puts it “We have to make sure your not a bot”. But the tests, about candaces faviorite things, help the two realize she liked them because they did it together, and a final talk with candace, as the final test has her ask why theyd idn’t want to spend time with her, with the two warmly apologizing and explaning why they did it but that they went too far. Candace reconclies with her parent,s the kids and our heroes go home, and Sardini finds himself sad no one stayed.. but at least he has gifty... and then start making love to her “Unwrap me!” which is far and away the best gag in the season’s best episode by a mile. 

Time Hooch:

Now to talk about two things I hinted at earlier: The only good Alex episode this season and the one that vaugely resembles one of the Nightmare Time episodes. And while their two very diffrent stories with very diffrent outcomes and only one of them involves this guy

And suprisingly it’s NOT close enough that has the eldtrich horrifying goat monster with a goofy cartoon voice who says things like “I’m coming for your ass Teddy Bear!” But both are stories about a sketchy (mildly for alex, entirely for Ted) middle aged man who feels one moment is where his life went wrong then accidently time travels after drinking 80 tons of liquor and decides to use said time travel to save a relationship, and fails at it in some fashion.  There’s even a jaunt to a distopian future with robots and cyborgs. So while it’s not 1:1, alex is far more sympathetic than Ted, Time Bastard is dark horror comedy, and it again dosen’t involve a horrifying goat man suprisingly enough, it’s till way too many happy coincidences for me to outright ignore. Also check out nightmare time and especially the musicals it spun off from The Guy Who Didn’t LIke Musicals and Black Friday. It’s good stuff. But I couldn’t help but make the comparison, or now imagine Alex, Ted and Professor Hidgens as some weird diasterious power trio. This is how my brain works now. 

But to the episode itself it’s just great from start to finish: Bridgette finds out while rumaging for an old photo in an old box of their stuff that Alex never signed the divorce papers. Turns out he was hoping they’d get back together.. and while not doing it and not telling her was a VERY selfish and horrible action.. you still sympathize with him. He hoped things would work out and they’d get back together, and given they had some close calls with that in season 1, to the point I shipped them, you can see where his sprig of hope came from. But with this he’s realized there probably isn’t any hope and drinks some old moonshine he and Josh made in college.  Said moonshine was from a recipie in an old blues record, the titular time hooch that true to form, allows them to travel back in time. And since he was thinking of when he thought the relationship truly hit it’s breakig point, when Bridgette at a sandwitch of his and he’d said in the heat of it he wished he’d never met her, they end up there and Alex tries to use it to help. Also Jason’s delivery of Alex saying what the recipie was “rye, barely, a dead man’s pocket watch, mixed under a full moon (Laughs) okay we probably should’ve seen this coming.  

Naturally here’s where it really gets intresting. As you’d probably guess, our heroes are the ones who made the sandwitch disappear and in desperation, alex kidnaps his past self before he can say the fatal words> We also get another spectacular bit where all past alex needs from alex to know he’s really him from the future is what year he was born (1982), meaning he’s defintely older than the rest of the cast. Though I wouldn’t be suprised if he was held back.. like at all. Look i’m not thinking too hard into it this is also a story about whiskey based time travel. 

But with that said intresting part takes hold as Josh’s past self reminds him of another fight that made things tense for a while.. and you can see where this goes. Alex keeps going back, and back, and back and back and back and back and back... and back, to try and stop the one fight, only to find a bigger one, leading to a montage.. to the point he ends up at the start of the relationship, the day they met at a college bar. The younger Alex’s have decided screw it it was always wrong, let’s end the relationship. 

We also get more of Alex’s backstory as it turns out he’s at a community college rather than UCLA, where he used to teach because of his own dumb actions: He met bridgette, let her enroll in his class and didn’t try to convince her to take another one. Don’t get me wrong the decade age gap and power dynamics are iffy.. but it’s not as bad as it could be. They met before the class, and it comes off more as both being too stupid or too horny to realize how her being in his class came off before it was too late. She got with him entirely on his merits, and yes he has some trust me.  Case in point.. Alex realizes a few things. The first is that no amount of time travel can save his relationship. They fought all the time clearly, and there were inherent problems. It’s also clear just from the series itself that while they have chemistry their just not that compatible as people. Bridgette is obessed with image, social media, and herself while Alex just two episodes ago called phones the downfall of society and likes feeling superior to the exact kind of person bridgette is. They have chemistry but sometimes it’s jut not enough. You have to have some common ground or your going to fall in a big hole. It’s honestly feels like a much more tolerable and realistic version of Leonard and Penny from the Big Bang Theory. And yes I know that show’s not the most popular with my core audience, nerds, and I bring it up because mom’s been watching it a lately, and any time I see Leonard and Penny on screen it annoys me into a tizzy as the two just have NO REASON to be together other than boning, and even then he’s apparently not a good partner so why then. They have nothing in common and she mocks and belittles him all the fucking time, mocking his hobbies, finding his job boring, and mocking him as a person. And not sharing hobbies or finding his job intresting would be fine, and still work but it’s the constant teasing about it that comes off far more vitrolic than probably intended that just makes me hope for a divorce. Here it’s not only much milder but they did actually get a divorce because their just diffrnet people and i’m not mad the ship was sunk. It was done in a poetic way. 

And part of that poetry is Alex realizing that as doomed as things ended up being, via a very sweet montage of their time together.. he realizes he can’t loose this all together. That sure he’d gain a lot and porbably woudlnt’ be living in a closet, but he’d loose all the good times, and he’d loose a friend. His marriage wasn’t so bad he wants to erase it it just ended and that happens. Naturally the other alex’s don’t feel that way but Alex stops them.. Josh is too drunk at this point to help, and ends up creating a time vortex. The vortex sends our heroes home, where Alex realizes his mistake and apologizes for it to bridgette and signs the papers in front of her.  As for the Alexs we get a horrifying and hilarous gag as, given they’ve all commented each other is handsome.. start having an orgy, and are later found in amber and their dna is used to create our alex apparently. How does that work?

Point is this episode.. is a masterwork. It’s emotoinal, hilarious, and really good character work, with Alex having a really stellar arc that shades him in and putts a final button in his and bridgettes relationship. And having seen many ships I like end horribly, it’s nice to have one end in a satsifying way like this. Also we see Alex in his borat thong, and i’d just like to point out how funny I find it that the same year they made a borat joke, specifically on it being from a decade or two ago, we ended up getting a second Borat movie. Very niceeee. 

World’s Greatest Teacher: This one was alright. On the bright side we got a Mr.Cambell episode! I”ve loved the guy since first meeting him in 100% no stress day, it was the first episode and that hasn’t changed and he’s always a bright spot when he shows up. So an episode about him dealing with a rival teacher, MS. Lake a twice a week music teacher gunning for his job and his students love sounded made for me. In practice he gets a bit too petty to be symapthetic which takes things down a peg, even if it turns out  Ms. Lake really is coming for his ass Teddy Bear, but it has enough good gags to help it still be a fun episode.

The biggest one and the biggest reason I sitll like the episode is Timothy’s coffe mug for world’s greatest teacher.. which naturally comes to life, possibly as a psychotic break possibly for real because of the show this is, and starts speaking in the dulcet tones of keith david. ANd i’ve made no secret I love and am thirsty for Keith David on this blog and never will, and having him voice an abusive fowl mouthed coffee mug  is something I dind’t know I need but boy did I always need it my entire life. Yes even as a baby. It’s just glorious every time he shows up. The climax is also great as the two teachers end up bonding over the greatest love of all and george micheal after Candace invites River to a part sh’esd having for her tooth coming out, and end up becoming frinemies, a nice solution i was glad to see. Even if i’ll miss evil keith david coffee mug. Rest in power my dude. 

Where’d You Go, Bridgette? The second major Bridgette episode of the season and like “Haunted Couch” this one’s an instant classic. After realizing Bridgtte’s already out of control addition to her phone has gotten even worse, Pearle confinscates it and takes her to detox. This leads to two great plots; Bridgette going into withdrawl, complete with an inspired nightmare sequence about her aps and missing her friends death because she was on her phone and the rest of the cast thinking sh’es been kidnapped because she’s not on social media, which while stupid is DELIGHTFULLY stupid and makes some sense given how glued to her phone she is. They end up calling a true crime podcast over, two egosticial college girls who quickly blame them for it despite it making no sense and their fans torm the apartment, and don’t belivie it when bridgette actually shows up.. It takes an inspired speech from Bridgette, whose developed as a person and after actually tasting a late for the first time sees how good they are, and Pearle posting that speech online to dismiss them and our heroes are saved. It’s an utterly amazing plot from josh being excited about the mob attacking them, to Pearle revealing part of the reason she’s so dedicated to helping bridgette is due to her own weird addiction to six flags, which is just so oddly specific I love it. 

The Erotic Awakening of A.P. Lapearle This one STARTED well, with Alex reading his viking erotic to everyone, and not getting that Candace maybe shouldn’t be there, only for Pearle to be the only one to actually enjoy it and be inspired by her enjoyment of his work to submit it to a publisher. The publisher ends up making a valid point that women want erotic fantasy from someone they can feel safe by and alex is well.. alex, so he suggests using pearle as a front. it goes how you’d expect: he wants actual credit, the publisher slowly pushes him out, she regrets it, they fight an army of fans and make them vomit with alex reading the book.. standard stuff. It’s just not very funny or a great insight into either characters, and is easily the weakest episode of the season.. though the next one gave it close compettition. 

Men Rock!

This one was a chore to sit through, and is only ahead of the last one because it has some really good josh bits and musical numbers which is more than the last one gave me so hey. In a nutshell Emily is on the verge of quitting her and Bridgette’s music careers as she feels they’ll never be famous only for their latest song Men Rock!, an ironic title for a sarcastic song poking fun at a bunch of toxic masculinty bs that is a good song, has hit it HUGE in a fictonal foreign dicatroship and get invited to go, reclutantly agreeing. If you haven’t seen the ep, you can still guess how this goes: say it with me THEY TOOK IT AT FACE VALUE. So our heroines have to help inspire the repressed women and inspire a bloody cou, helped by josh finding some improisoned femisinists in a bathroom. They also gain a fan. it has a few good gags, mostly Candace trying to remind her dad to help her find a place to pee after he keeps getting sidetracked by being taken back by Emily’s sucess. I’ts just a very bad, very predictable episode with very obvious misogyn is bad jokes. And misgoyny IS bad but other shows, paticuarlly tuca and bertie with one early episode, have tackeld this topic better. This episode did not. Last one. 

Secret Horse:

This one in stark contrast is one of the series best and an utter joy to watch. On a bad day for the whole apartment with some santa anna winds, an adorable, poofy mained utterly precious horse gets free and ends up at the apartment. Thus we get a vingettte episode, as the horse has a delightful adventure with each of our main 7, and each up tot he last try and hide the horse badly only for the horse to suddenly sprout up and help their mood.

I do love a good vinegtte episode, with two of my faviorite simpsons episodes being 22 short films about springfiled (Minus kirk dragging MIlhouse away from the bathroom, fuck you you balding asshat, it makes the episode hard to watch) ,and trilogy of error, and this is a classic example of it as we get some fun adventures fro each of the housemates: Candace plays with the horse, adorably so, Josh finds it in the garage as his car breaks down and takes them on an install with him, even stuffing them into a suit and we get a great bit of the horse getting fed sugarcubes and josh money. Brigette gets help living in the now instead of posting about it all the time.

My faviorite comes next as Alex needs new patches for his suit but obviouslyc n’t afford them so he takes the ponyt ot he track.. to help him pick which horses to bet on. It’s just such an inherntly funny idea, especially since it works, and really the horse is just hilarious wherever it ends up. It next helps randy win a skating contest, we get a touching story as Pearle misses her old tragically dead horse partner and uses our boy as a subtitute and finlaly we get emily who needs help relaxing and while she naturally calls animal control she hangs up as she falls for hte horse. The group all fight over the horse in the end, the horse leaves and they let it go home, wonder if it was a hallucination and it whizes on thier car. Overall a really great finale and a wonderful note to go out on. 

Overall Ranking I’ve decided eveyr time I do one of these, or a post season wrapup of a show i’ve covered every episode of the season to rank them from best to worst sooo

Birthdaze Time Hooch Haunted Couch Secret Horse Where’d You Go Bridgette? Sauce face Houseguest  From Hell Joint Break Josh Gets Shredded World’s Greatest Teacher Meet the Frackers Handy Man Up Cyber Matrix Men Rock!  The Erotic Awakening of A.P. Lapearle

And i’d like to note that outside of the bottom two hear.. I enjoyed ALL of these. WHich leads to

Final Thoughts; This season was excellent. It had everything the first season had the heart, the character and the utterly great sense of humor, and fine tuned it to be a well oiled machine I could hardly stop laughing at and with tons of great character stuff. Before it had the potetial to surpass regular show but now it has as despite having a few dud episodes itself, as is intievitble in any show, now, they still aren’t as bad as a lot of RS’s early misteps. And Regular SHow as a FANTASTIC show and really stuck the landing, so i’m only saying this is even better and can only go up from here. And even if it stays about the same quality wise, that won’t be a bad place to be. This season was near damn perfect, i’ll probably watch it again and again, and I can’t wait to devour more and given the current tragectory probably will this year. And I couldn’t be more excited.

If you like this blog follow for more reviews, become a patreon to help reach stretch goals or comission a review outright, details for the latter two on my blog. And i’ll see you at the next rainbow. 

[basil-films]

05-06-2020

Training Day (2001)

i’m not too sure whether anyone really cares about what i have to say about these movies, but here goes yet another one mini analysis. there’s no way i can cover everything that comes to my mind whilst watching a film so these are super condensed. also if anyone has anything else to add about any of them i highly appreciate :)

Break the Rules in Order to Protect Them

this is one consistent theme throughout the film, the idea of breaking every possible law in order to protect the streets from those who want to break them (for the wrong reasons?). just writing that alone makes it sound x2 as dumb as it already is, which is precisely the reason why Jake comes into this whole situation skeptical of Alonzo’s methods.

one of the first things Alonzo has Jake do is get high in the cop car, followed by Alonzo pulling out a gun to his head. that’s a two in one violation of the law and we’re not even 20 minutes in yet. Alonzo is a street cop, unlike Jake, who has been trained to obey and respect laws. this is where the two personalities clash and since Alonzo (literally) has the gun in this scenario, he gets it his way in the end.

the entirety of the film revolves around the idea of demolishing the rules and knowing that they don’t apply to you. kind of like how emergency service vehicles are allowed to break the speed limit, just not like that at all and significantly worse.

“It’s not what you know, it’s what you can prove.” - Alfonso

tying back into how the law just doesn’t seem to apply to them whatsoever, Alfonso further abuses this system by leading Jake through the concept of only being found guilty if the ‘higher power’ can prove it. i say “higher power” cause Alonzo’s ego doesn’t let him believe that anyone could possible be more powerful than himself. duh.

Jake, however, doesn’t exactly fall for this and consistently shows signs of ever so slightly decreasing hesitation throughout the movie. he doesn’t shoot when he’s told to and desperately clings onto the law throughout his training.

since character is probably the biggest part of this entire film, these differences in their approaches to policing emphasize who they are as people and what they view as morally right or wrong. it really says a lot about a person and it’s arguably the most significant contrast in character we see.

Repetition

this is literally just not important to the plot as a whole whatsoever, but i found it worth mentioning: one of the first things we see is (obviously) the opening scene, in which the sun is rising above the multiple apartment complexes (the kind of area we assume Jake lives in). this EXACT shot is then shown again for a second time about 1/3 of the way through the film, highlighting the whole idea of ‘change, but not really.’ Jake has opened his eyes to a whole new side of policing and law enforcement, while still going on with his same everyday life at home, essentially hiding this new side of him from his girlfriend/wife (i forget which). it’s just an interesting way to look at the part of his life that has changed and the part that must remain the same.

Mockery - “You can shoot me, but you can’t kill me.”

the idea of mockery stems from Alfonso’s larger than life ego. even after Jake finally get’s onto him and finds out what the real reason behind his desperate need for the money was and even has him held at gunpoint, Alfonso still has a gut feeling of superiority that he just can’t shake off. he supposedly knows he’s the bigger man and that Jake is nothing but a young, gullible grasshopper that’s been following him around as he searches for his dirty money.

his constant mockery of Jake’s naivety is what fuels Alfonso’s ego and gives him the power over him. despite all this, Jake's ability to climb his way up on top of Alfonso (not literally) shows that he is in fact the bigger man, freeing him from needing a ridiculous ego to ‘win.’

Wisdom - “To protect the Sheep you got to catch the wolf and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf, you understand?”

no, i didn’t like Alfonso’s character towards the end of the film either, but you can’t deny the man was onto something. he genuinely had an understanding for the streets that no one else seemed to have and knew how to get the seriously dangerous people off the streets, even if it meant he kinda was one of those people too. his metaphor with the sheep and being the wolf in order to catch the wolf actually ties back into what i was saying earlier about breaking the rules in order to protect them. the sheep is a gullible society, full of innocent people to harm and the wolf represents those wanting to cause harm. to be the wolf means to play the along with the criminals and speak their language, be one of them and lure them in accordingly. this is actually incredibly wise coming from a man with the ego twice the size of his-

“You shot me in the a**!”

i’m still not fully sure if i can curse on here so “a**” it is.

this is quite possibly my favorite quote of them all purely cause of how dumb it is and perfectly it wraps up the situation. right at the end, the roles finally reverse and while Alfonso has been secretly taking advantage of Jake in order to get what he personally needs, Jake finally wakes up and stabs him in the back (or shoots him in the a**). this is a beautiful way to end a story of betrayal and perfectly summarizes the relationship Jake Hoyt and Alonzo Harris once had.

Just Another Day at Work

the film ends with Jake returning back home (as one tends to do), making it cleat that this really was nothing but another busy day at work. it actually leaves the audience hanging a little cause you really start to wonder what the actuality of policing really is and how much crazier it could get.

[thegreenfairy13]

A Gotham Ghost Story

A Gobblepot fanfic. Oswald Cobblepot shoots Jim Gordon on the pier. Unable to move on to the afterlife, Jim is doomed to haunt the infamous mobster. Tied to Earth but unable to live, Jim only wants to find peace in death. His path there might be bumpy. Read it on Ao3 here.

Thank you @mexican-texican for the beta <3!

Jim Gordon is five years old when Elijah Van Dahl decides to have another cup of coffee to calm his racing heart. This decision is - quite obviously - absolutely wrong.

The very second the bitter, scalding hot liquid touches his lips, every ounce of courage he might have possessed mere moments ago leaves his body. He doubles over, coughs, and bites down delicately on his burnt tongue to assess the damage done to the one organ designed for talking and instantly decides it’s a bad omen, a sign from the heavens for him to hold his tongue, literally.

Elijah had always been superstitious so it shouldn’t come as a surprise he believes in forewarnings. Sadly, he gets this specific token wrong. Or he doesn’t get it wrong at all; it all really depends on your point of view. Yet, given the man Elijah is, he would have jumped up and stormed off right this instant if he had known his decision to drink a cup of coffee on a hot summer day in the middle of July, missing the undeniably most important date of his entire life in the process, would lead - among others - to the deaths of Gertrud Kabelput, the love of his life, two college students, a cook’s assistant, a postman, Maria Mercedes Mooney, a waitress named Grace, Tabitha Galavan, Butch Gilzean, and, most recently, the death of the cop James Worthington Gordon.

Most people on this list are arguably not what you’d call nice people but they are undeniably people; Elijah firmly believes that murdering a human being, although it can be forgiven, should never be justified. Therefore, should he have even assumed what was about to happen, he would have regained his courage and walked right out of his kitchen and into his future.

But as our tale is set in Gotham, a city known for its wicked, malicious ways, Elijah stayed put, opened his fridge and started nursing on a cube of ice, wondering what could have been.

One could argue this all started even earlier. Maybe over two-hundred years ago, when Elijah’s great-great-great-great-grandfather decided to leave the Netherlands and go on an adventure. Or maybe only three years ago, when his father decided to employ a very young, very pretty, and very talented cook. Or maybe one and a half years ago, when Elijah came back from university and his mother introduced her son to said cook. Or…

Well, we could go on and on with his list, but it truly was the aforementioned moment when a future, a future that had been in flux up to this minute, stuttered to a halt. Fates were decided, a decision was made, options vanished, and infinity took its turn, leading directly into a dire future.

In this future, James Worthington Gordon and Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, né Van Dahl, face each other on a cold, windy pier for the second time in their lives. The air around them smells foul, like heavy oil, bird droppings, and very soon - blood, too. Blood smells like metal; it has a sweet, heady scent, that can make a sensitive person slightly nauseous. Luckily, Oswald Cobblepot isn’t very sensitive. Not when it comes to blood, that is. The same goes for Jim Gordon, but very soon, his sensitivities won’t count any longer anyway.

Jim Gordon isn’t surprised he ends up on this pier. He might have hoped things would go differently but hoping doesn’t equal knowing. Heknew it would end this way.  

Therefore, he spent the days leading up to today with his daughter. They went to the ice-cream parlor two times a day for a week, visited the Gotham zoo, ransacked the toy-store and rang the door-bell on uncle Harvey Bullock’s home, despite the man currently recovering from a terrible hangover, until he woke up, only to run away really quickly when he ripped open the door clad in his underwear.

“I’m going to kill you, Jim Gordon!” he yelled when the younger cop gripped his daughter’s hand tightly and started running. Jim only laughed it off, knowing it wouldn’t be Harvey, not ever.

Barbara, his former fiancée, argued he would spoil their common child, but Jim wasn’t listening to her, not when being certain he would no longer have that opportunity in the future.

Mainly, because he has no future. At least not in the traditional sense of the word.

Jim Gordon would never blame Elijah Van Dahl for his fate. Even if he knew about the coffee, which he doesn’t, he would be adamant about being the architect of his own fortune, for the fault does not lie in our stars. One cannot deny the countless mistakes Jim has made throughout his path in life. Innumerable wrong decisions on his part sealed his fate, yet it still ultimately boils down to one cup of coffee. But we’ll get to that coffee later.

The man in question, the current Captain of the Gotham GCPD, is undeniably a man full of remorse; he would never admit it, not even now, but he deeply regrets the wrongs he did.  Despite the fact that he never had a true choice when it comes to some of his actions, and definitely not to the last nail in his coffin, he’s still deeply sorry.

Ten years ago, he was forced to arrest a man who considered him his friend, a man called Oswald Cobblepot. The sentiment had not been mutual back then, but almost . Jim had respected this man, still does. Therefore, he resigns from giving Oswald pathetic excuses, especially when he had only recently been released from the jail Jim locked him up in.

Instead, he obediently walks up to the edge of the pier, completely aware of the gun trained on his back. He turns around when ordered, taking in his former ally, nemesis, almost-friend, and even one-time lover.

Oswald looks good. He hasn’t aged a single day, despite spending the last ten years in Blackgate, Gotham’s infamous prison for felons. They fed him well, Jim thinks when taking in his middle. Undeniably the criminal known as the Penguin has put on some weight, leading to him now truly resembling a flightless bird.

Once, Oswald had been so scrawny, so delicate, Jim was secretly afraid a slight wind would carry him away, never to be seen again. The truth is, he can withstand even the deadliest, most destructive storms. He had been the center of more than one storm, too, and will carry on to be.

Jim considers telling him he made sure Blackgate provided him with three nutritious meals per day. He considers apologizing, he considers justifying his actions all those years ago.

He decides against it when Oswald rolls his shoulders and raises his gun again, visibly enraged. The Penguin is screaming at him, throwing one of those tantrums he’s so famous for. Jim has witnessed his wrath before, but it had never been turned directly at him - not like this.

After everything they have been through, after everything they have accomplished together, after almost falling in love, it feels weird being the object of such searing hatred. It’s not as if Jim doesn’t feel like he deserved himself this hostility, but it’s still odd.

Oswald yells again. His whole body is shaking, vibrating with all the pent-up anger that had been nurtured for over a decade by now. The air around him seems to sizzle by the sheer power of his emotion, becoming almost tangible in the process.

Once again, Jim thinks this is probably his last chance to explain, to make the horror he put Oswald through comprehensible but every explanation feels cheap. Whatever he has to say, it’s too little, too late. There would have been countless opportunities in the past to disclose his true motivations for his betrayal, but right now, it would not sound sincere. Besides, Jim isn’t sure himself if he has ever been honest with Oswald.  

Therefore, he opens and closes his mouth, mumbles the gangster’s name and watches the other man quietly. He’s working himself up on his fury, swelling from anger until his words are nothing but a slur, the howling of a deeply wounded animal that is no longer able to cope with the pain.

Maybe there’s really no point of arguing with him. Maybe Jim must. After all, he has a daughter to care for, to live for. It’s truly his time to speak up but when staring into the barrel of Oswald’s gun, into this all-engulfing darkness, he’s paralyzed. He deserves what is about to come.  

Besides, Jim is stubborn. Oswald deserved his fate, too. He had it coming the second he pulled the trigger for the first time, ending the life of a nameless thug Jim is about to join in the Gotham-river. Anger flares in Jim’s veins as well as self-righteousness. Oswald is cruel, he’s a psychopath, a schemer, and conspirator. He’s selfish and murderous and he destroyed the lives of everyone he’s ever touched.

Jim doesn’t say a word, though.

“Our story is over!” Oswald screeches and if the situation wasn’t so serious, Jim would laugh. He sounds like a banshee. His voice comes out as a high-pitched squeak, he’s even spitting into the night’s air and that’s when, at last, the horror settles down in Jim’s gut, joining the remorse.

There’s a difference between knowing and realizing. Right now, when Oswald Cobblepot forgets his well-crafted manners, Jim realizes he’ll never see his little daughter again. He might have spent the week before the criminal’s release saying farewell to her, but still, grasping the situation entirely hits him with the force of a truck. With the same force, he wills his brain to draw to a blank.

Oswald keeps on screaming and spitting, looking especially comically in his well-tailored, shiny purple jacket, sporting a ridiculous monocle, this imitation, this caricature of a gentleman. He’s nothing but a wild animal enshrouded in layers and layers of luxurious garment, a wolf in sheep-clothes. He’s the monster underneath your bed, this seemingly cute, adorable little man who still stumbles over his own words when excited and blushes like a teenage-girl when being complimented.

The man who resembles a penguin is the same who can club a person to death with his cane. He’s capable of stabbing formerly close friends so vigorously he paints the walls red. He finds joy in torture, he’s a sadist who revels in the pain of others.

Jim can’t look at him any longer. Taking a deep breath, he clings to every sin Oswald has ever committed. He remembers the bad things, the things he deserved his destiny for and pushes away other thoughts. He doesn’t want to think back to his awe-stricken expression the first time they kissed, or the way his skin flushes when...NO.  

He doesn’t want to think how everything could be so much easier if he just hadn’t betrayed Oswald, if he had never slapped those cuffs around his wrists. He doesn’t want to remember how his face fell when realizing Jim was about to rob him of the second most precious possession a human being has: time.

Instead, he pushes those thoughts far away and focuses on the present. Maybe, if he turns around and jumps into the river, he can save himself. All it would take is holding his breath for a while and diving so deep the bullet wouldn’t reach him. He could make it if he was quick enough. He could turn around and swim back to his little girl, who needs him desperately, far away from his past and start running. Jim Gordon should probably leave Gotham and never return again.

Instead, he hesitates. He’d be hard pressed to admit why he does so, though. Maybe, because he knows deep down that he owes Oswald, owes him his life, his soul, and body. Maybe he’s just a bit too slow.  

Either way, the Penguin fires. Jim is about to jump into the river, but he cranes his neck one more time, looks over his shoulders and sees the tears streaming down Oswald’s face. They are genuine. Jim knows he hurt him like no other before. Not even Ed’s betrayal went so deep.

“I’m so very sorry,” he thinks, readying himself for the deep-dive.

It’s too late.

Oswald Cobblepot is a good shot. The bullet from his gun hits Jim right between his eyes with a speed of 340 miles per hour. It punctures his skull effortlessly, makes its way right through his brain, and exits his skull before he even feels the slightest amount of pain.

He wants to open his mouth in surprise, but lacking the time, he stumbles backward into the muddy water instead. How Oswald could have shot him so smoothly with those trembling hands is beyond Jim. It’s not like he especially cares when currently being engrossed with sinking to the river’s bottom, wondering when or if he’ll either see a bright, shining light or finally find peace in blessed darkness.

Neither of that happens while Jim’s body hits the ground with a soft thud he shouldn’t be able to hear but does anyway. Being still aware of his surroundings, he wonders when the pain will set in, or when he’ll feel the cold of the water. Again, his expectations are not being met.

Lying flat on his back in the filthy water, he looks up, noticing the pale moonlight illuminating the surface above him. He isn’t quite sure one is supposed to see moonlight when lying at the bottom of a river, but at least he got the light he asked for - well, a toned-down version.  

As he’s obviously still coherent, he turns around, trying to push himself back toward the surface. When doing so, he first thinks he’s staring into a mirror. He sees himself, stretched out on the ground as if resting. He halts his movements, stops struggling and simply looks. Considered everything the Gothamites dump in there, finding a mirror on the bottom of the river shouldn’t even come as a surprise.

It’s only when Jim moves his hand, trying to swim, and his counterpart’s arm just keeps floating in the water, he notes something could be wrong. He inspects further, stares at his forehead and tries touching the wound on his head. Again, the man in the mirror doesn’t lift his arm. He also realizes how he doesn’t feel anything. Jim doesn’t pay it much mind first. After all, the water is cold and his hands might already be numb.

It only dawns on him something is very wrong when he continues staring at his face underwater for a fair amount of time without running out of air. Startled, he draws in a deep breath. He realizes his mistake instantly, expects the water to flood his lungs, finishing him off in the process but nothing happens.

The water keeps flowing, Jim keeps existing.

Opening his mouth further, he lets out a horrified scream, hoping he might be hallucinating. Maybe, it’s only his remaining brain-cells’ last attempt at clinging onto life. He touches his chest on instinct, expecting to find a rapidly beating heart, forgetting that only moments ago he decided he was a hallucination.

There is undeniably something solid beneath his fingers yet he can’t feel a pulse. The body in front of him is being lifted from the ground by the tide and floats past him. Jim reaches for the hand but is unable to hold on.

The body rises from the ground again, shifts against two rocks and gets stuck. The cop stares at his body, unable to properly process what just happened. Torn between horror and wonder, he tries to calm himself down, to be a cop, a detective. This is merely a puzzle for him to solve he tells himself.

It’s the blood around the body, his blood, that gives him certainty, though. For some reason, Jim is so very sure he’s watching his own body.

This is probably some out of body experience his brain procures for him to make dying easier. It will pass any second, Jim thinks, prays. He hasn’t prayed in years but now he’s screaming for any deity to come and rescue him.

Any minute, he’ll see a bright light, he’ll see his family, he’ll see his entire life stretched out before him. He just has to pray. Just one more moment and this will pass. The horror of watching his own dead body will dissolve and give way to beautiful memories. His thoughts will wander to Barbara, to his sweet, little baby-girl. Jim forces himself to think about pony-tails and patent-leather shoes, positively clings to the memory of her face, but the image escapes his mind like the water his hands. Maybe Jim is simply a man who doesn’t deserve this kind of comfort.

Sitting down, he waits for his body to shut down, to become a corpse. He knows he is dying, knows he is unable to do anything about it, even and especially if he so desperately wants to live. He wants to slip back inside this body, tries even, with more and more urgency, but of course, that’s impossible.

An indefinite amount of time passes and Jim starts getting frantic. He reaches for his corpse over and over again, unable to touch it, to feel it.

A fish swims past him, a second one right through him. Jim swats at it, annoyed, but the living being doesn’t note him. It’s enough though to distract the terrified man for a moment. Unsure how much time already passed, he stares at the clock on his wrist, cursing when he finds it stopped four seconds past midnight.

More sea dwellers come across, probably attracted by the blood emanating his corpse. Jim forces himself to calm down, wonders if he’ll have to wait until his body is gone. The thought alone sends another wave of panic right through him. He wants to leave, dammit!

The moment he thinks about leaving, his mind is being propelled towards the surface and he’s back where he started: on the edge of the pier. Jim blinks in surprise.

Looking up, he sees the sun going up but something in his mind stops him from grasping that information. Everything still feels like the middle of the night.

Frowning, Jim looks up and down the pier, wondering if his colleagues are already looking for him and then gasps: he sees himself again - and Oswald. He watches himself stumbling into the water, notes the blood painting the black surface pitch-black despite the sun still going up.

When blinking, the vision is gone. Jim squints again and is almost certain for a moment to catch a glimpse of something purple. Maybe Oswald’s frock?

He doesn’t want to dwell on it, though. Not now. He’s currently too busy figuring out why thinking solely the word ‘Oswald’ moves his mind again through space at sickening speed, causing Jim to find himself in the Van Dahl manor’s living room.

The Penguin is seated on his couch, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. His eyes are puffy, as if he had been crying, and the mascara he uses is smudged. Jim waves his hand before his eyes, wondering why Oswald isn’t surprised he just materialized out of thin air in his house; he for fuck’s sake is. The man before him shivers and pulls the blanket closer but else keeps ignoring him.

That’s about the moment Jim seriously considers he might be a ghost.

[raendown]

Commission for @crystallizedshadowfire, thank you!

Pairing: MadaraTobirama Rated: E Word count: 4493 Summary: The Chief of Police and the boss of the local mob, an unlikely pairing for sure. Keeping their relationship a secret is hard, coming up with excuses for why they haven't taken each other down yet is harder, but of course Madara always finds a way to complicate things that don't need complicating.

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI and commission info in the header!

Criminal Malpractice 

Madara scowled and flinched at the sound of a bullet impacting the concrete wall he and his subordinates were hiding behind. He was getting too old for this shit.

Okay so he wasn’t actually all that old yet, barely creeping up on his mid-thirties, but his poor ears had suffered through more than their fair share of this bullshit. He would find a new line of work if he hadn’t already entrenched himself so deeply in to this lifestyle that the mob might very well fall apart without him. Maybe he should start thinking about training a replacement soon so that he could retire. Obito was showing a lot of promise as he grew in to his later adolescence, he would make a good successor. He was also just crazy enough to enjoy this lifestyle and all the insanity that came with it. Kids these days were wild.

A chunk of something that may have been concrete but also may have been a fragment of skull bone went rocketing passed his face. At the same time one of his men jerked backwards and collapsed to the ground, falling utterly still in a way Madara recognized all too well. His nose wrinkled. Yet another widow to console, another life lost to cover up while he tried to keep his own mourning quiet to help the lower ranks keep up morale. Lately he was running out of ways to make bodies disappear in a manner that wouldn’t lead suspicion back to him or anyone that worked for him and his family. Just because it was common knowledge that the Uchiha family were connected with the mob didn’t mean they should make it easy for the law enforcement to pin them with any actual evidence.

Mistakes like today notwithstanding. If he hadn’t already taken out the cameras in this area it would be very hard to talk his way out of being accused of something here.

Speaking of law enforcement, Madara dared to peek around their cover and count the heads popping up from behind the barricade of police cruisers. He forced his eyes to skip past the head of shining white hair they wanted to catch on and focus instead on the actual bane of his existence. In another world Shimura Danzo would definitely have followed a similar nefarious path as Madara had – although probably with less than half the morals. Madara’s life was filled with illegal acts but he had a code of conduct, okay? He took care of his own and really he was just trying to make this city better. Just because his methods were shady didn’t mean he didn’t care, he simply cared in all the ways that people who followed the law couldn’t.  

Unfortunately for the City of Konoha the illustrious Shimura Danzo had instead decided to dedicate his life to being a police officer. At some point he must have had high hopes for what he surely thought would be a shining career. It clearly rankled that he hadn’t made it even to Captain, stuck forever at the rank of Sergeant and taking out the frustration that gave him on the men he led. Serving under a much younger Chief of Police – the youngest their city had ever seen yet also the most competent – had turned him even more bitter. Several times now the man had tried to reach out to the underbelly of the city, determined to turn dirty cop. Madara, however, owned the underbelly of this city and he had a standing order forbidding his people from dealing with the man.

The chaos of a shootout seemed like the perfect opportunity to remove a problem he was more than tired of working around. Across the way he could see Izuna pausing at the sight of his satisfied grin, though his brother only narrowed his eyes in suspicion. It cut to the quick to be so mistrusted by his own kin. Really it did!

“What are you planning?”

“To get rid of a nuisance,” Madara said. In one smooth motion he stood, aimed, and fired then immediately dropped back down hoping no one caught enough of a look at him for a positive identification. Then he looked over to where Izuna was using a small mirror to keep track of the action. “Did I get him?”

“Yup. You definitely shot the Chief of Police.”

“WHAT!?”

Completely disregarding his own safety, Madara jerked around and popped his head out in to the open. Shimura was still standing. A foot or so to his left side Senju Tobirama, the man who had skyrocketed up the ranks since the day he joined the force, was being dragged away to safety while he very calmly attempted to staunch his own bleeding and sent a thunderous scowl toward the mob forces. Their eyes met across the mayhem for a brief moment and Madara swallowed thickly.

“I’m never going to hear the end of this.”

 -

 The hours he waited in the empty house that night were some of the longest he had ever spent. Owning the city always felt like less of an accomplishment during the times when he was faced with how little rights he had to his own life partner. Falling in love with a police officer was a terrible idea, he’d known that right from the moment he realized where his heart was headed, but staying with the man and supporting him all the way up to being named Chief of Police was such a spectacularly bad idea he still wondered how neither of their associates had caught wind of it yet.

Having only a select few people who knew where he called home helped with that, as well as his partner’s infamous reclusive tendencies. It did not make the waiting any easier when he knew that Tobirama was spending those hours in a hospital undergoing surgery where Madara was quite unwelcome to go visit. A known mob boss visiting an officer of the law? Yeah, not obvious at all.

Adrenaline rushed through him at the click of the lock on their front door and Madara hurried over to peek down the hall just as the tumbler slid back in to place. Tobirama’s movements were stiff but he was blessedly alone as he slid off his shoes and toed them in to the neat little spot where he always kept them, eyeing the coat hooks then sighing and trudging down the hall without removing the fur trimmed civilian jacket buttoned over what remained of his uniform. When he spotted Madara skulking around the corner he stiffened even further and turned in to the kitchen without a word.

Madara slinked after him like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs. Silence stretched between them as Tobirama went through the motions of drawing a mug of tea one handed and the guilt rose higher and higher in Madara’s throat until he couldn’t take it and blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“So how was your day at work?”

Obviously he realized how stupid that was the moment he said it. He really didn’t need Tobirama to slam his cup down hard enough to slosh precious Darjeeling in every direction.

“You fucking shot me, that was my day at work!” Shaking out his now scalded fingers, he turned around to return fire with the daggers in his eyes. “I’m out of commission for at least a week, if not several, and what do I have to show for it? Another ‘failed’ attempt to take down the man living in my own home. You are very fucking welcome for covering that abysmal escape, by the way, because I had to cover your ass from a god damned ambulance!”

“I’m sorry, okay!? I was aiming for that Shimura dick head!”

“Well your aim fucking sucks, go ask Kagami for a few lessons on marksmanship before you take my head off next time!”

Madara shuddered. His nephew was a walking ball of sunshine terror, too happy to be natural and too gifted with long range weaponry to be entirely human. No way was he putting himself through another round of cheerful hours on the gun range just to come out even more thankful that he’d somehow managed to keep the kid happy in the role of budding assassin. Unhappy assassins usually came after their boss and he certainly wasn’t looking to have both eyes taken out from three streets away with no evidence.

Tobirama cruelly allowed him to stew in those thoughts while he turned away again and ran cold water to soothe the fingers he had spilled tea all over. Watching him, Madara cringed as he realized he had effectively taken both the poor man’s hands out of commission. He really wasn’t doing so hot today. Some big bad boss he made when he couldn’t even care for his own partner properly.

“Let me,” he offered quietly. Tobirama subsided with a grumble, throwing himself down – gently – at the kitchen table to watch every movement with an eagle eye. It was a little nerve wracking but Madara bore up well enough until the tea was cleaned up and remade, delivered with a shamefully bowed head. While his lover drank the offering Madara tried several times to open his mouth and make his apologies but every time he thought he had the words straight in his head he would look up at Tobirama and everything in his brain would scatter all over again in favor of the heavy guilt weighing him down.

He shot his own lover. He put a bullet in to his own partner’s flesh. What words could possibly make up for that? How could Tobirama ever forgive him when he was quite sure he would never forgive himself?

“Nothing vital got hit, at least.” He jerked in surprise when Tobirama broke the silence first.

“Oh. Good. That’s…I’m sorry.” If any of his subordinates could hear how small his voice was in that moment he had no doubt that they would laugh themselves silly and lose all respect for him. No one would ever fear his retribution again if they knew how far gone he was for the man across the table.

“I’m going to bed.”

“But-!”

“Madara, I am tired. I spent nearly thirteen hours in the hospital because they allowed a first year resident to operate and he was so incompetent they had to open me up again and go back in as soon as he stitched me closed. They wanted me to stay overnight but I assured them that I had a ‘guest’ staying with me who could help and now speculations about my personal life have tripled. My own partner shot me, my officers are chomping at the bit to have you behind bars for it, and I am in so much pain I can hardly think straight.” Pushing his empty mug away, he struggled to his feet with his jaw tightening when the motion tugged on some sensitive areas. “I want nothing more than to let this fucking day end.”

He was tottering out of the kitchen a moment later, leaving Madara glaring at the floor in personal offense that it had not yet opened up and swallowed him whole. If he were as brilliant a man as his beloved then maybe he could turn to evil science, create a time machine, go back to this morning and crack himself around the head for ever pointing a weapon anywhere close to his most precious person.

Since he wasn’t a mad genius he hauled himself out of his own chair and shuffled down towards the bedroom after the other man. He found Tobirama hovering by the end of the bed plucking at the buttons of his jacket and scowling deeply, unable to move one arm and unwilling to fiddle too much now that his other hand was covered in mild burns. Madara inched in to the room until he was spotted and told himself that it was perfectly normal for a grown man to feel so small when faced with such a sharp gaze.

“Want some help?” he offered. Tobirama snorted, dropping his hand and turning his head away moodily.

Having two working hands, Madara made quick work of the buttons and helped to slide the jacket off as gently as possible. With soft-spoken requests for a movement here or a shift there he got Tobirama down to nothing but his skin, at which point he hurried over to fetch a pair of pajama pants from one of the dressers against the eastern wall of their bedroom, scurrying back to kneel down and keep Tobirama steady while the man slid one foot in to each leg. It was hard to resist letting his touches linger like they usually would with so much skin on display and his face right there where it would be only too easy to turn his head and take the man’s length in to his mouth. Fortunately he wasn’t stupid enough to do something like that without warning when the mood in the room was so clearly not headed for such activities.

Although…perhaps he could fix that. They both knew that apologies weren’t his strong suit, his words better suited to barking orders than expressing the feelings trapped in his chest. And they both also knew that he was prone to finding more physical ways to making his feelings known, whether that be doing more than his fair share of the household chores or offering certain bedroom services without asking for reciprocation.

Of course what he had done this time was hardly something he could erase with a hand job or two but there was nothing wrong with trying and doing one thing for his partner didn’t mean he was going to call it a day and forget the whole issue. He was an asshole but he wasn’t completely heartless.

Well, not when it came to Tobirama, at least.

The possibility stayed on his mind all through helping Tobirama brush his teeth and wash his face then pulling the sheets down to tuck the man underneath them and go do all those things for himself as well. By the time he was turning off the lights and sliding under the blankets he was half hard in his pajamas and almost ashamed of how much the idea appealed to him. Not because he was ashamed of his own desires, that ship had sailed more than a decade ago and he certainly had no regrets about where his appetites had taken him, but rather because he was sure it wasn’t an appropriate apology for this sort of situation.

But really, was there ever going to be a proper way to say sorry for shooting his own partner in the chest? Or shoulder. He hadn’t had a chance to take a good look at the wound yet, covered as it was by several layers of gauze. At least that particular wave of guilt could be left until tomorrow when he would of course insist on helping to change the bandages.

Madara squirmed and fretted in the dark bedroom until he nearly leapt out of his own skin when Tobirama was once again the first of them to break the silence.

“Do you know how much paperwork I would have had to do if you did manage to shoot that asshole?”

“You…” All the tension in his body was violently expelled with a hard snort of laughter. “Is that what has you so fucking grumpy?” With a grin of relief he rolled over and fitted himself again the other man’s uninjured side. Tobirama sighed moodily.

“No, I’m grumpy because you shot me. With a bullet. It hurts. And I don’t know what painkillers they gave me but I am so high but I still fucking hurt.”

Madara sniggered. “You don’t seem high to me, if that helps.”

“It doesn’t. The room is spinning. Make it stop.”

“Actually, I had a thought. I was thinking of making it spin even faster – in a different way.” He pressed a kiss to Tobirama’s shoulder but got only a huff for his troubles. Stubborn man, refusing to be seduced even when Madara was clearly being obvious about what he wanted to do.

Lolling his head to one side, Tobirama grumbled, “Faster would not help.”

“Stop being stupid and let me give you an apology blow.”

“Ah. I’m quite sure that’s not a great idea at the moment but I am also not going to stop you so long as you understand that I can’t do much in return.” His lover turned to blink hazily at him and Madara could finally see what he meant about the pain killers. That was not the same sharp gaze he had seen in the kitchen. Something must have finally kicked in. With a laugh he pressed forward to kiss those pouting lips.

“That is entirely the point love. You’re going to be angry at me again in the morning anyway so you might as well enjoy tonight, yes?” Madara waited for the other man to nod in concession of his excellent point before shuffling around and sliding further down the mattress. “Good, then just lay back and let me take care of you.”

He gleefully chuckled over the agreeable hum from his partner. Usually it was a lot easier to fluster Tobirama with blunt sex talk but apparently the influence of whatever drugs they had him on mellowed out certain inhibitions. It was a shame his job kept him strait-laced and prevented them from recreating this again another day because Madara would have loved to see what kind of filthy things he could talk his way in to like this.

A quick blowjob to see if high-Tobirama was any louder than sober-Tobirama was a good start, though. Madara licked his lips as he gently wriggled his way in between the other man’s legs, being careful not to jostle him too much, then reached for the ties of the pajama pants he had picked out just a few minutes before. If anyone happened to ask he might be convinced to admit that he had chosen these ones because this shade of red looked lovely with Tobirama’s skin and the stretchy cotton made his ass look fantastic. Luckily no one was ever likely to ask.

Briefly mourning that he wouldn’t get to see that ass bent over for him – probably for a long while – Madara bent his neck to draw his tongue along the crease where thigh met groin, smooth skin devoid of hair because his lover liked to keep himself neat in all respects. Steady breathing increased gradually the further his licks and kisses moved inwards until finally Tobirama let out a soft gasp when Madara pressed his tongue flat against the underside of the cock now stiff and full as it waited for his attention and slid all the way up to take the head in his mouth. Then he himself was tempted to moan at the feeling of having his mouth filled.

“Shit,” Tobirama whimpered above him – honest to god whimpered. Legal or not, Madara was definitely getting his hands on something to get this man high again.

In reward for such a pretty sound he slid further down to take as much in as he could. One of his hands pressed down on the hips that were beginning to squirm, hoping Tobirama didn’t hurt himself moving around too much, while his other explored whatever heated skin he could reach. His head bobbed in a slow rhythm in time with the hand that skimmed trembling thighs and traced the grooves of a clenched abdomen. It had always been Tobirama’s body that spoke his pleasure the loudest; hearing him swear so easily and so honestly went straight to Madara’s own cock.

He’d already been sporting a semi. Just that one word combined with the soft groan that followed in the wake of his hands was enough to have him rock hard inside his own pajamas.

Were he not hyper aware of the fact that this was all meant as the start of his – likely to be months long – apology he might have tried to suggest something that would be a little more mutually satisfying. Or if he also weren’t aware that doing so would probably end with Tobirama tearing out his stitches in the heat of the moment. Madara rolled his hips down and moaned around the hard flesh in his mouth, tempted by the idea of grinding himself against the mattress until another thought wriggled its way in.

Tobirama’s protest when he pulled away was garbled and indistinct in a way it never would have been were he entirely sober. It was just enough encouragement for Madara to shuffle around until he was up on his knees where he could go back to work with one hand still holding the weakly bucking hip underneath him in place. With his other he took a moment to skim down and cup his partner’s sacs, rolling them and sliding his fingers lower to trace the places he couldn’t explore until Tobirama was healed enough that the writhing he was prone to wouldn’t hurt him. Then another soft curse met his ears and Madara began to frantically pull at his own drawstrings until they were loose enough to shove the material down and take himself in hand.

His moan vibrated around the shaft he was pleasuring, earning himself yet another intoxicating sound from his partner and encouraging both his mouth and his hand to move faster. Madara was sure if he weren’t already busy concentrating on other things he would be panting as quickly as he could hear the other was. If they continued on just like that he wouldn’t have lasted all that long anyway but then the most amazing thing happened.

For probably the first time in his life Tobirama began to babble.

“Shit, feels good. Don’t…don’t stop. Just- ah. Warm. And wet. Fuck, your mouth is wet. Feels amazing. Do that – with your tongue? That-? Yes, fuck yes, that. Ma-hah! Madara…”

Every word that spilled from him wound the man between his legs higher and higher until Madara was working himself as desperately as he was bobbing his head, praying he could hold off until his partner found satisfaction yet unable to stop his hand from chasing the incredible end he could feel coming on fast. He’d never heard anything like this from Tobirama. Since the day they first gave in to the helpless attraction between them their intimate activities had been filled with a chorus of noises from his own mouth and little more than the occasional grunt from his stubbornly reticent partner.

He had almost forgotten how hot it was to hear someone else enjoying themselves as much as he was.

It wasn’t hard to pinpoint the moment Tobirama finally noticed that he was pleasuring himself at the same time. The apparently unexpected discovery was accompanied with a long drawn out sound that could only be described as lewd and an enthusiastic bucking of the hips. Madara had just enough time to brace himself before his tongue was coated with seed, the entire world fuzzing out around him a few seconds later as the tension inside him burst at last and he spilled over his own hand as well.

Gasping with a cock still filling his mouth was a little hard but Tobirama seemed to appreciate the sensation of his continuous moans until finally they were both completely spent and Madara swallowed the bitter come with only a light grimace. As much as he enjoying sucking cock he’d never really appreciated the taste of the end results. He did very much appreciate the blissed out expression that was waiting for him when he lifted his head, half-lidded eyes staring back at him, satiated and full of warmth. Madara shivered with renewed interest that he regretfully set aside for another time.

“Was a v’ry good apologize. Apology. S’a good blowjob.” Tobirama’s lips curled up in a dopey smile and Madara paused to appreciate the rare sight.

“Should I help you get back in to your pants?” He offered, not trusting himself to say anything else just yet. If he did then it would either be some mangled form of dirty talk or he would spill his whole heart out on the floor in the form of terrible poetry mixed in with a hundred more apologies. And not even sexy ones.

“Mmm. Probably should, yes.”

“Right.” Nodding to himself Madara set about righting both of their clothes and found something to wipe his hand on, snagging a bottle of water from inside the nightstand to rinse out his mouth as well.

Then he crawled up the mattress to lay himself carefully at Tobirama’s side and pulled the blankets up over both of them. He made sure they were all perfectly even and straight, just how his partner liked them, then pressed a kiss against the man’s good shoulder and curled up against him as much as he could without having to worry about jostling the injuries he had caused.

“I’ll cook you breakfast in bed tomorrow,” he promised in a whisper. “And I’ll fetch anything you want around the house. And I’ll even do my best to hold my temper when you inevitably get irritated that you can’t do anything for yourself; we both know you will, don’t deny it.” Despite his words he paused, waiting for the expected denial because Tobirama had a very selective memory when it came to his own temper, but it never came. Curious, Madara lifted his head and peek around to see what was holding his tongue.

Fast asleep. Whatever drugs they had given him were finally doing their job, pulling him down in to dreamland where the pain couldn’t touch him. As much as Madara loved having his partner’s attention he was glad that he would spend the night comfortably and find good rest.

Tomorrow he would spend the day waiting on his partner’s every beck and call. And the next day he was calling Izuna to schedule a council of the Family. Some things in this city had needed changing for a long time and while he was certainly the right man for the job he was not willing to risk the only person who had ever loved him as completely as Tobirama did. Which meant that they would need to change some things about how they themselves operated as well. First he would help his beloved feel better. Then he could go out and make the world better as he’d always intended.

By force if necessary. A smirk tilted the corners of his lips and he looked over at his sleeping partner. He always had preferred to act first and apologize later; at least with some things he rather enjoyed the apology.

[xtattlecrimex-blog]

15 Major Errors In Hannibal (S2)

Though I don’t think the first season of Hannibal is in any way perfect or above criticism, because it’s not, I do think that it is really good. Could I list my complaints with it? Sure. Like how unnecessary of a character Abigail Hobbs was. They could have literally done the whole season with her in a coma and it really wouldn’t have made much of a difference. She was awful. However, there aren’t as many problems with season one as season two and then of course, season three, is just a massive train wreck. I thought I’d start with season two and then go from there.

Hannibal doing all that work to frame Will Graham in season one only to get him out of prison the second he could in season two. That is completely out of character for Hannibal Lecter and the canon established by the original source material. Hannibal, who was very devoted to keeping up his free lifestyle as well as cannibalism would have been thrilled that he got away with that. He’d have left Will to rot and would have moved on with his life happy that eyes were off of him, at least for a bit.

Hannibal seemed very confused as to why Will was even in jail and why they couldn’t just let him out. He was very pouty about it. It was weird. Like he had some disconnect to the fact that after everything he did, Will would not only be in jail but also be facing the death penalty. He walked around like this was confusing to him and he didn’t get the concept of it, though season one details everything he did to avoid being caught. Clearly he knew the repercussions of getting caught so why did Will’s incarceration confuse him so much?

The deus ex machina of Matthew Brown. Seriously, that’s all this character was and the only reason he existed was to get Will out of prison. Really examine this character for a moment. He just happens to get a job at the same insane asylum Will is at. He just happens to be a murderer himself who is dying to copycat Will Graham. Hannibal just happens to find him somehow. He’s just happy to work for Hannibal to get Will out of prison then more than happy to try to kill Hannibal just because Will asked. He’s very nearly a self-insert for Bryan Fuller. Then he’s shot and never heard from again. He was awful.

Alana falling in to bed so easily with Hannibal. See, this might be a bit more believable had there not been really obvious feelings between her and Will in season one. I get that she may have not liked him after the point she thought that he killed Abigail but it seemed to me someone like Alana would have more respect for Will than just to run off with his psychiatrist. Not to mention the ethics involved there. Really? It made her look like a pretty terrible person especially since she was also still trying to counsel Will while he was in prison.

Beverly not telling anyone where she was going when she went to check out Hannibal’s house on Will’s behalf. Now, I get that what she was doing was illegal (and I’ll talk about that in a minute) but seriously? She only went to check it out based on what Will told her so she believed him when he said Hannibal was The Ripper. Ergo, why not at least leave a fucking note. Being charged with some kind of breaking and entering crime isn’t as bad as murder, and if she was going to die anyway, why not leave some evidence behind that Hannibal MAY have been your killer? He was the one she was trying to catch, after all.

Beverly agreeing to break into Hannibal’s house to collect evidence at all. Just to go look. How did she think that was going to work? It would have never held up in court. She’d have known this because she worked for the FBI. Any evidence she would have obtained (had she gotten out of there alive) would have been thrown out in court. Then what? What was the plan there other than to prove to everyone he was The Ripper to what? Get more evidence? Inform Hannibal about how sloppy he was so he could just do a better job of hiding? Beverly and Will but ESPECIALLY Beverly should have known this was pointless to do even if she was certain to get out alive.

Miriam Lass still being alive. For this to have worked and been anywhere near realistic, we’d have to consider several things. For one, she was kept alive for literal years by Hannibal. For some reason. Keep in mind, when he took her he’d have had no real actual use for her other than to maybe taunt Jack, I guess. Except it didn’t seem like he was even doing that. He just had her around for some reason. He also had to amputate her arm at some point. Which, I agree, Hannibal could do just fine. However, you can’t just lop off someone’s arm and leave them. You have to monitor them, a lot. He also had Abigail with him either in his basement or that remote cabin where Miriam was found for an entire year. What? No one noticed this? At all? How? Okay, let’s pretend that it’s possible that a bunch of FBI agents going in and out of Hannibal’s house at all hours of the day would miss him keeping two females captive. Even though one is an FBI agent and should have been smart and Abigail for some dumb reason was painted as a genius. Well, then Hannibal’s just not getting any sleep. Between seeing patients, killing people, throwing dinner parties, and covering his own ass so he doesn’t get caught for murder he also has to take care of these two hostages. I know he’s some kind of psychopath and even borderline superhuman but he had no actual ability in reality to do all of this and keep up the appearance that he was normal.

Hannibal not being able to tell that the meat he was eating wasn’t Freddie Lounds or human meat at all. After Will attacked Freddie and there was a whole thing staged to make it seem like he had killed her and he brought Hannibal the meat, which was actually just pork, Hannibal wasn’t able to tell the difference. Hannibal the freaking cannibal. Maybe people like Will or Jack or Alana who really had no frame of reference wouldn’t be able to tell but Hannibal didn’t? Yeah, I’m calling BS.

Miriam Lass being able to shoot Chilton in the face, under extreme duress, one handed, after all that trauma through what should have been bullet proof glass, where Alana’s head was obscuring Chilton’s face at that angle and she would have been hit first (because she can’t move faster than a bullet). That. All of that. Not even possible. Not to mention the fact that Jack, a trained FBI agent couldn’t have stopped her at all? I get that she was an FBI student, prior to her kidnapping, but it had been YEARS without handling a gun or anything like that for her and she was having a freaking PTSD level flashback. No one was able to stop her? Why was Jack even armed in the interrogation room? It’s all sorts of dumb.

Everyone just so easily believing that Chilton was The Ripper. Chilton. A tiny man who walked with a cane and was messed up from his injuries in season one. Yeah, that guy. He took down two armed FBI agents then arranged them by himself in his own kitchen so he’d get himself caught for some reason. Alana, who’d known him for years just easily agreeing to that and that it was possible. Really? These are FBI agents. I get that we as an audience know MORE than they do but just the simple facts of Chilton’s life alone should have pointed them to the conclusion he couldn’t have done that. He wasn’t even physically able to do that.

Abigail Hobbs still being alive and then for some reason pushing Alana out of a window. I guess Hannibal not only had the time to keep her hostage but brainwash her as well. Which leads me to the point that he brainwashed Miriam into thinking Chilton did all this stuff to her. Somehow. For some reason. On the off chance that he was going to need yet another guy to frame at some point? Really? When did he even have the time to do all of this stuff? I’m not saying it isn’t possible but brainwashing to the level he had Abigail and Miriam takes a lot of time and dedication no matter how good you are at it.

Alana running up the stairs and further into Hannibal’s house when he was chasing her instead of just running outside. Why? I get that she was scared but she had already called the police. I mean, damn, she must not have been that scared. Who in the hell does that? I don’t care how much she still thought she loved Hannibal, human nature would have made her run out of the front door, not up the stairs. She didn’t know Abigail was in there or even alive. Why do that? Why not literally go and get help from a neighbor or run down the street to meet the cops?

Why did it take the cops so long to get there? She had FBI connections and by that point Hannibal was known to be wanted by the FBI. Especially because of Jack’s dealings with that stupid lawyer at the FBI. Her giving a call like that, the police and other authorities would already have known it was a serious priority and to get their asses on it right away. They were also in DC like in the city area not in the middle of nowhere like Will’s house. It wouldn’t have taken them 30 damn minutes to get there in the middle of the night.

Hannibal just walking away from the murder scene all the way to Bedelia’s house covered in blood as the cops are arriving. Maybe, I can agree they missed him because it was dark. Fine. However, he walked to Bedelia’s house which clearly was in the middle of nowhere? Because, he didn’t get in his own car. He couldn’t. The police would have known to watch for that. He couldn’t have taken Alana’s car or Will’s car. They’d have been looking for those too. Did he steal a car? He certainly didn’t get a cab covered in blood like that. Someone would have noticed. I don’t know this makes no sense either.

Hannibal getting on a plane with Bedelia. A commercial flight. After he killed all those people and they knew it was him. He’d have never been allowed in an airport to even leave. He wasn’t disguised either. He was looking as Hannibal as he ever looked. A commercial airport on a commercial flight like that? No one stopped him? A man who’s face would have been all over the news. That police would have pictures of. That airport security would have pictures of, that guy? Even if he waited for a “week” for the heat to die down, or somehow got into Canada to leave from there, people would have STILL known it was him I mean God Damn. In no universe is it possible Hannibal did anything like that unless he has jedi mind powers. Even if people didn’t recognize him by his face, did he have a fake ID? Like…how am I supposed to believe he could pull this off without getting caught?

These are just the things off of the top of my head that I know are wrong with season two. The things that stand out the most. Are there more? I’m sure there are, but this is just what comes to mind. Still, this was supposed to be a somewhat realistic crime drama. At least, that’s how it started. Then season two just took that and made it all sorts of nonsensical to a point where no one could suspend disbelief anymore. Everything existed to further the escape of Hannibal, no matter how little sense it made. It was still somehow better than season three but not by much. How this show maintained any sort of following is really beyond me. I just think it has to do with the fact that the fannibals didn’t care how much or little sense it made as long as they got their murder husbands on screen for an hour a week. Gag.