#the fact they’re both changed means something big’s gonna happen | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

abbygrabska · 7 months

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The Lazarus Experiment

The Doctor told me he was dropping Martha off, so I decided to stay in my room.

I know for a fact something’s gonna change in the next five minutes.

I was right, because the Doctor opens my door and says, “Change of plans, we’re going to an event, get changed, formal attire.”

He then closes the door.

I nod to myself, going to my bathroom and taking a quick shower before doing my hair and makeup.

I go into my closet, which luckily the Tardis controls.

There’s a pink dress and a pair of white kitten heels, “My favorite pair.”

The Doctor and Martha are waiting for me in the console room.

They turn at my footsteps, both looking awestruck.

“Well, how do I look?” I ask.

“Gorgeous.” Martha smiles.

“Ethereal.” The Doctor grins.

I grin at both of them, “Well, let's go then.” We walk down the street.

The Doctor is fussing with the cuffs of his dress shirt, “Oh, black tie. Whenever I wear this, something bad always happens.” “I think that’s just you.” I laugh, “Besides. It suits you. In a James Bond kinda way.”

“James Bond?” He grins, “Really?”

I giggle as we approach the impressive entrance to Lazarus Laboratories. Inside the main reception room, guests are mingling. Dominating the room is a large white round cabinet surrounded by four pillars with a slight curve at the top.

The Doctor takes some hors-d’oeuvres from a passing tray, “Oh, look, they’ve got nibbles! I love nibbles!” He tosses one whole into his mouth.

Someone I assume Martha knows walks over, “Hello.” “Tish.” The two hug.

“You look great. So, what do you think? Impressive, isn’t it?” Martha nods, “Very.” “And two nights out in a row for you, that’s dangerously close to a social life.” Tish teases.

“You might, actually. Keep an eye out for photographers. And mum, she’s coming too, even dragging Leo along with her.”

Martha looks gobsmacked, “Leo in black tie? That I must see.” Tish glances at me and the Doctor.

“This is the Doctor, and Abby.” Martha introduces.

The Doctor shakes her hand, “Hello.” “Are they with you?” Tish asks.

“Yeah.” “But they’re not on the list, how did they get in?” I smile, linking hands with Martha, “I’m her plus one, and the Doctor is on the list, just under a different name.” She furrows her brow, looking between me and Martha, before it clicks, “Oh! Good for you, Martha.”

“So, do you know what the professor’s going to be doing tonight? That looks like it might be a sonic microfield manipulator.”

“He’s a science geek. I should’ve known. Gotta get back to work now. I’ll catch up with you later.” Tish leaves to mingle.

“Science geek? What does that mean?” He frowns, before realizing that I am holding Martha’s hand, “What’re you doing that for?”

“It means you are obsessively enthusiastic about it. And as for this,” I lift mine and Martha’s hand, “I figured I’m more Martha’s type than you are.” I grin at him.

He nods, frowning slightly.

Someone calls Martha’s name. She turns and looks at the woman as if she hasn’t seen her in years.

“Mum!” She gives her a big hug.

“Oh. all right, what’s the occasion?” Her mother asks.

“What do you mean? I’m just pleased to see you, that’s all.” “You saw me last night.”

“I know. I just… miss you. You’re looking good, Leo.”

“Yeah. if anyone ask me to fetch ‘em a drink, I’ll swing at ‘em.” Martha’s mother seems to notice the Doctor and I.

“You disappeared last night.” “I… just went home.” “On your own?”

I smile, wrapping an arm around Martha’s waist, “Hello, you must be Martha’s mom. I’m Abby, and this is Doctor John Smith.”

“How’d you know Martha?” Her mother asks.

“Well, this is our third date, and her and John are doing some work together.”

“Date?” Her mother’s eyebrows raise.

Our conversation is cut short, as there is a tapping on glass.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I am Professor Richard Lazarus and tonight I’m going to perform a miracle. It is, I believe, the most important advance since Rutherford split the atom, the biggest leap since Armstrong stood on the moon. Tonight, you will watch and wonder. Tomorrow, you’ll awake to a world which will be changed forever.” Lazarus enters the cabinet.

Two technicians start the machinery from a bank of instruments behind the cabinet. There is a high-pitched whir and a bright blue light as the four pillars begin to spin individually creating an energy field. They then begin to rotate around the cabinet, going faster and faster. A warning klaxon goes off.

“Something’s wrong. It’s overloading.”

The technicians try to stop it, but some of the panels explode, sending off sparks. The Doctor jumps over the low desk and aims his sonic screwdriver at the controls.

“Somebody stop him! Get him away from those controls!” “If this thing goes off, it’ll take the whole building with it. Is that what you want?” The Doctor pulls one of the main wires that connect to the cabinet and it slowly stops spinning.

Martha and I run to the door.

“Get it open!”

We open the door and watch, as through the smoke, Lazarus emerges looking 40 years younger. Photographers snap away as we look on amazed.

Lazarus touches his face, realizing it worked. He steps completely out and stands before his machine, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am Richard Lazarus. I am 76 years old and I am reborn!” He holds his arms up in triumph as everyone claps.

People take the opportunity to have their photos taken with Lazarus.

Martha and I watch the Doctor study the machine. “It can’t be the same guy. It’s impossible. It must be a trick.” Martha says. “Oh, it’s not a trick. I wish it were.”

“What just happened, then?” I ask.

“He just changed what it means to be human.”

We walk up just as Richard starts shoveling food into his mouth.

“Richard!” Lady Thaw chastises.

“I’m famished.”

“Energy deficient. Always happens with this kind of process.” The Doctor says.

“You speak as if you see this every day, Mr…” “Doctor. And, well, no, not every day, but I have some experience in this kind of transformation.”

“That’s not possible.”

“Using hypersonic sound waves to create a state of resonance. That’s… that’s inspired.” “You understand the theory, then.” “Enough to know you couldn’t possibly have allowed for all the variables.”

“No experiment is entirely without risk.” “That thing nearly exploded. You might as well have stepped into a blender.” “You’re not qualified to comment.”

“If I hadn’t of stopped it, it would’ve exploded.”

“Then I thank you, Doctor. But that’s a simple engineering issue. What happened inside the capsule was exactly what was supposed to happen. No more, no less.”

“You’ve got no way of knowing that until you’ve run the proper tests.” I tell him.

Lazarus laughs, “Look at me! You can see what happened. I’m all the proof you need.” “This device will be properly certified before we start to operate commercially.” Lady Thaw smiles.

“Commercially?! You are joking. That’ll cause chaos.” Martha laughs.

“Not chaos. Change. A chance for humanity to evolve, to improve.” “This isn’t about improving. It’s about you and your customers living a little longer.” “Not a little longer, Doctor. A lot longer. Perhaps indefinitely.”

“Richard, we have things to discuss. Upstairs.” Lady Thaw walks away.

Lazarus goes to follow her, “Goodbye, Doctor. In a few years, you’ll look back and laugh at how wrong you are.” He reaches out and takes Martha’s hand, kissing the back of it before leaving.

“Ooh, he’s out of his depth. No idea of the damage he might have done.” The Doctor groans.

“So, what do we do now?” I ask.

“Now… well, this building must be full of laboratories. I say we do our own tests.” Martha looks at her hand, “Lucky I’ve just collected a DNA sample then, isn’t it?” “Oh, Martha Jones, you’re a star.”

We end up in an empty lab, looking at the results of the DNA test on a computer screen.

“Amazing.” “What?” I ask.

“Lazarus’s DNA.” “I can’t see anything different.” Martha says.

“Look at it!” The image on the screen flickers.

“Oh, my god! Did that just change? But it can’t have!” I gasp. “But it did.”

“It’s impossible.” “And that’s two impossible things we’ve seen tonight. Don’t you love it when that happens?”

“That means Lazarus has changed his own molecular patterns.” Martha says. “Hypersonic sound waves to destabilize the cell structure then a mutagenic program to manipulate the coding in the protein strands. Basically, he hacked into his own genes and instructed them to rejuvenate.” He explains. “But they’re still mutating now.” I realize.

“‘Cause he missed something. Something in his DNA has been activated and won’t let him stabilize. Something that’s trying to change him.” “Change him into what?” I ask. “I dunno, but I think we need to find out.” “That woman said they were going upstairs.”

“Let’s go!”

We step out of the lift and into Lazarus’s office. The Doctor turns on the lights.

“This is his office, all right.” I say. “So, where is he?” The Doctor asks.

“Dunno. Let’s try back at the re…ception.” Sticking out from behind the desk, I spot a pair of skeletal bones, wearing high heels. We rush over to see the desiccated remains of a woman.

“Is that Lady Thaw?” Martha asks. “Used to be. Now it’s just a shell. Had all the life energy drained out. Like squeezing the juice out of an orange.”

“Lazarus.” “Could be.” “So he’s changed already?” I ask. “Not necessarily. You saw the DNA. it was fluctuating. The process must demand energy. This might not have been enough.” “So he might do this again?” Martha asks.

“Hmm.”

We dash back to the lifts.

We arrive back at reception.

“I can’t see him.” “He can’t be far. Keep looking.” The Doctor walks off. “Hey, you all right, Martha? I think mum wants to talk to you.” “Have you seen Lazarus anywhere?” Martha asks.

“Yeah. He was getting cozy with Tish a couple of minutes ago.” The Doctor joins us moments later. “With Tish?!” “Ah, Abby.” “Where did they go?” “Upstairs I think, why?”

“Abby…” The Doctor rushes past, spilling her drink.

I look at her apologetically, “Sorry.” I pass her a napkin before running after him.

We arrive back at Lazarus’s office. “Where are they?” The Doctor takes out his sonic screwdriver, “Fluctuating DNA will give off an energy signature. I might be able to pick it up.” he holds his sonic out at arm’s length and slowly turns in a circle. Its beeping increases.

“Got him.” “Where?”

He points at the ceiling. “But this is the top floor! The roof!”

We run for the stairs.

“‘Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act…” “Falls the shadow.’”

Lazarus turns to see us.

“So the mysterious Doctor knows his Eliot. I’m impressed.” “Martha, what are you doing here?”

“Tish, get away from him.” “What? Don’t tell me what to do.” “I wouldn’t have thought you had time for poetry, Lazarus, what with you being busy defying the laws of nature and all.” “You’re right, Doctor. One lifetime’s been too short for me to do everything I’d like. How much more would I get done in two or three or four?”

“Doesn’t work like that.” I shake my head, “Some people live more in 20 years than others do in 80. It’s not the time that matters; it’s the person.” “But if it’s the right person, what a gift that would be.”

“Or what a curse. Look at what you’ve done to yourself.”

“Who are you to judge me?”

“Tish, come here.” I ask. She walks over to us, “You have to spoil everything, don’t you? Every time I find someone nice, you have to go and find a fault.” “Tish, he’s a monster!” Martha says. “I know the age thing’s a bit freaky, but it works for Catherine Zeta-Jones.”

At the sound of growling, Tish slowly turns her head and we all see Lazarus.

He looks like a cross between a human skeleton and a scorpion. He rears up.

“Run!”

We all race inside and the Doctor seals the lock with his sonic screwdriver. Martha presses the call button for the lift, “You okay?” “I was gonna snog him.”

Sirens begin to go off and a computerized warning comes over the PA.

“What’s happening?” I ask. “Uh, an intrusion. It triggers a security lockdown. Kills most of the power. Stops the lifts. Seals the exits.” “Great, he must be breaking through the door. Now, stairs anyone?” We all run down the stairs.

There’s a crashing noise, “He’s inside!”

“Haven’t got much time!”

We enter the reception.

“Tish! Is there another way out of here?”

“There’s an exit in the corner, but it’ll be locked now.”

The Doctor tosses his sonic to me, “Setting 54. Hurry.”

I rush off, followed by Martha and Tish.

Glass shatters and Lazarus appears on the landing above before leaping down to the reception floor.

I open the door just as everyone runs for the exits.

“Over here! This way! Everyone downstairs now! Hurry!” We run over to Leo.

“Martha.” “C’mon, stay with me.” Martha and I take her mother and Leo to safety.

“What’s the Doctor doing?” Tish asks.

“He’s buying us time.” I say. Martha examines her brother, “Leo, look at me. Let me see your eyes.” She speak to her mother, “He’s got a concussion, you’ll need to help him downstairs.” She goes to an ice bucket and puts some ice in a napkin, which she then gives to her mother, “This’ll keep the swelling down. Go! I’ll be right behind you! Tish, move! We need to get out of here!”

The partygoers are running down the stairs to the main entrance but the doors are locked.

“We can’t get out! We’re trapped!”

I spot a desk and slide over the top and check the panel layout before using the sonic. The power comes back on, the doors open and everyone escapes.

I run back up the stairs.

I stop in my tracks at the sound of an explosion, Martha joining me shortly after, running into the Doctor as we reach a corner.

“What are you doing here?” He asks.

“Returning this.” I hold out his sonic screwdriver, “Thought you might need it.” “How did you…?” “Explosion? Definitely you.” “I blasted Lazarus.” “Did you kill him?” Martha asks.

Lazarus comes crashing down the hall.

“More sort of annoyed him, I’d say.”

We run around and end up back in the reception room.

“What now? We’ve just gone ‘round in a circle!” Lazarus bursts in and the Doctor heads for the device.

“We can’t lead him outside. Come on, get in.” We all hide in the device where we are pressed together like sardines.

“Are we hiding?” Martha asks.

“No, he knows we’re here. But this is his masterpiece. I’m betting he won’t destroy it, not even to get at us.” “But we’re trapped!”

“Well, yeah, that’s a slight problem.” “You mean you don’t have a plan?” “Yes, the plan was to get inside here!”

“Then what?” “Well… Then I’d come up with another plan.”

“In your own time, then.” The Doctor accidentally gropes me before grabbing his sonic screwdriver, “Here we are.” “What’re you gonna do with that?”

The Doctor slides down slowly to the floor and pops open a panel, “Improvise.” “I still don’t understand where that thing came from. Is it alien?” “No, for once it’s strictly human in origin.” He uses his sonic screwdriver on the wires attached to the panel.

“Human? How can it be human?” I ask. “Probably from dormant genes in Lazarus’s DNA. The energy field in this thing must have reactivated them. And it looks like they’re becoming dominant.” “So, it’s a throwback.” “So it’s some option that evolution rejected for us millions of years ago, but the potential is still there? Locked away in our genes, until Lazarus unlocked it by mistake?” I ask. The Doctor continues to work on the wires. “It’s like Pandora’s box.” Martha says.

“Exactly. Nice shoes, by the way.” A blue light fills the capsule.

“Doctor, did he just turn it on?” I ask.

“Yep.” The machine begins to spin. “I don’t want to hurry you, but…” Martha worries.

“I know, I know. Nearly done.” “What’re you doing?”

“Trying to set the capsule to reflect energy rather than receive it.” “Will that kill him?” I ask.

“When he transforms, he’s three times his size, cellular triplication, so he’s spreading himself thin.” “We’re gonna end up like him!” “Just one more!” The Doctor pulls a wire.

The Doctor opens the door and steps out, Martha and I right behind him.

“I thought we were gonna go through the blender then.” Martha admits. “Really shouldn’t take that long to reverse the polarity. I must be a bit out of practice.”

Lazarus is lying in his human form, naked, on the floor.

“Oh God. He seems so… human again. It’s kind of pitiful.”

“Eliot saw that, too. ‘This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper.’”

Medical services, come to take the body, carrying it out on a gurney in a bag. We watch from the steps.

The first to see us is Tish, “She’s here. Oh, she’s all right.” She hugs Martha. Martha’s mum slaps the Doctor on the face, “Keep away from my daughter.” “Mum! What are you doing?” The Doctor puts his hand on his cheek, “All their mothers, every time.” “Not mine. Though to be fair, I don’t want you meeting her at all.”

“He is dangerous! I’ve been told things.” “What are you talking about?”

Mrs. Jones takes Martha by the shoulders, “Look around you! Nothing but death and destruction!”

“This isn’t his fault. He saved us, all of us!”

“It was Tish who invited everyone to this in the first place. I’d say technically, it’s her fault.” Tish elbows Leo in the side.

There’s a crash. The Doctor and I look at Martha before running off.

We run down the street where we see the ambulance, the doors open and the medics merely husks.

“Lazarus, back from the dead. Should’ve known, really.” The Doctor takes out his sonic screwdriver and searches for Lazarus like he did earlier. “Where’s he gone?” I ask.

“That way. The church.” “Cathedral. It’s Southwark Cathedral. He told me.” Tish informs us.

We proceed up the nave inside the cathedral, the Doctor in the very front with his sonic held out in front of him.

“Do you think he’s in here?” Martha asks. “Where would you go if you were looking for sanctuary?” I retort.

We move forward through the empty cathedral to the open space behind the altar and underneath the bell tower.

Lazarus is sitting there, gasping, a red blanket from the ambulance wrapped around him, “I came here before. A lifetime ago. I thought I was going to die then. In fact, I was sure of it. I sat there, just a child… the sound of planes and bombs outside.” “The Blitz.” “You’ve read about it.” “I was there.” “You’re too young.” Lazarus scoffs.

“So are you.” Lazarus laughs, but it soon turns to gasps of pain as he fights the mutation, “In the morning, the fires had died, and I was still alive. I swore I’d never face death like that again.”

The Doctor walks around Lazarus slowly, looking up at the bell tower.

I watch, knowing he’s planning something.

“So defenseless. I would arm myself, fight back, defeat it.”

“That’s what you were trying to do today.” “That’s what I did do today.”

“What about the other people who died?”

“They were nothing. I changed the course of history.” “Any of them might have done, too. You think history’s only made with equations? Facing death is a part of being human. You can’t change that.” “No, Doctor. Avoiding death. That’s being human. It’s our strongest impulse, to cling to life with every fiber of being. I’m doing what everyone before me has tried to do. I’ve simply been more… successful.” Lazarus groans in pain as his body tries to change. “Look at yourself! You’re mutating! You’ve no control over it! You call that a success?”

“I call it progress. I’m more now than I was. More than just an ordinary man.” “There’s no such thing as an ordinary man.”

“He’s gonna change again at any minute.” I whisper.

“I know. If I can get him up into the bell tower somehow, I’ve an idea that might work.”

“Up there?” I ask.

He nods.

“You’re so sentimental, Doctor. Maybe you are older than you look.”

“I’m old enough to know that a longer life isn’t always a better one. In the end, you just get tired. Tired of the struggle. Tired of losing everyone that matters to you. Tired of watching everything turn to dust.” The Doctor squats beside Lazarus, “If you live long enough, Lazarus, the only certainty left is that you end up alone.”

“That’s a price worth paying.” “Is it?”

“I will feed soon.” “I’m not gonna let that happen.”

“You’ve not been able to stop me so far.” I walk up behind Lazarus, “Leave him, Lazarus! He’s old and bitter. Thought you had a taste for fresher meat.” He snarls and chases after me.

Martha and Tish run with me.

“Doctor! The tower!”

We run up the narrow spiral staircase that leads to the upper level.

We hear screaming.

“Did you hear that?” Tish asks.

“He’s changed again. We’ve got to lead him up.” “Abby?!” I peer out of one of the archways on the upper level, “Doctor!” “Take him to the top, the very top of the bell tower, d’you hear me?!” I nod, “Then what?” “Abby, come on!” Tish grabs my arm.

We run off.

We arrive at the top of the bell tower, which is a circular walkway with wooden rails.

“There’s nowhere to go! We’re trapped!” Tish exclaims.

“This is where he said to bring him.” I say. “All right, so we’re not trapped. We’re bait.”

“He knows what he’s doing. We have to trust him.” Martha tells her.

We hear a hiss, “Ladies.” Lazarus enters, blocking the only doorway.

“Stay behind me. If he takes me, make a run for it. Head down the stairs, you should have enough time.” I tell them.

“But…” Martha attempts to protest.

“Just do it!”

Lazarus attacks, swinging his tail down.

We all scream.

Lazarus knocks away part of the wall.

I get hit by his tail and fall over, clinging to the edge.

“Abby!”

Lazarus leaps across to stand over me. “Hold on! Get away from her!” Martha screams. Tish and Martha hold their heads in agony as the sound waves from the organ resonate in the tight space. Lazarus begins to writhe.

I try to hold on. Lazarus topples over the edge and falls to the floor below.

I’m about to fall when hands grab my arms.

“We’ve got you. Hold on!” “Abby?!”

The two sisters pull me back onto the walkway.

“I’m okay! We’re all okay!” I cry, hugging them, “Thank you.” “It’s your Doctor you should be thanking.” “Told you he’d think of something.” I sniffle.

“He cut it a bit fine there, didn’t he?” “He always does. It’s more fun that way.” I laugh.

We come down the stairs.

The Doctor runs to us and pulls me into a kiss, “Never do that again.”

Tish seems confused, “I thought—” She looks to her sister.

Martha shakes her head.

We stand in front of the Tardis in Martha’s flat.

“Something else that just kinda escalated, then.”

“I can see a pattern developing. You should take more care in the future. And the past, and whatever other time period you find yourself in.” Martha smiles.

“It’s good fun, though, isn’t it?” I grin. “Yeah.”

“So, what d’you say, one more trip?” The Doctor asks.

“No. sorry.”

“What do you mean? I thought you liked it.”

“I do, but I can’t go on like this. ‘One more trip.’ It’s not fair.”

“What’re you talking about?” “I don’t want to just be a passenger anymore. Someone you take along for a treat. If that’s how you still see me, well, I’d rather stay here.”

“Okay, then. If that’s what you want.” “Right. But we’ve already said goodbye once today, so it’s really best if you just go.” She walks away from the Tardis, keeping her back to it.

I laugh, “Martha, sweetie. He said okay.” “Sorry?”

I nod my head at the Tardis.

“Oh, thank you! Thank you!” Martha hugs us and laughs.

“Well, you were never really just a passenger, were you?”

#tenth doctor x oc #tenth doctor x reader #doctor who x reader #autistic writer #chrysalis story #autistic!reader #doctor who x oc

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myloveforhergoeson · 1 year

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That's All She Wrote - Chapter 19

Chapter Index

Find me on wattpad + ao3!

Show: Big Time Rush

Pairing: James Diamond x Original Female Character

Chapter 19: No Sleep Till Brooklyn ~ 11k

Jo and Camille,

You’ll never believe who took my phone the first day of tour and refuses to give it back because “I have more important things to be focused on right now.”

I KNOW HE CHANGED MY LIFE BUT SOMETIMES I HATE GUSTAVO ROCQUE. And I’d never say I hate Kelly, but I am upset she let him do that… SOS!

Thanks to my expert negotiation skills, I’m allowed one call to my Dad per week - like this is some kind of prison or something - so I’m going to do my best to write letters to both of you in order to keep you updated.

While it took a long time for Gustavo, Kelly, and I to map out this tour path, I didn’t think about what it would mean to be crammed on a handful of buses with both the band and our musical accompaniment. Our lovely producer and talent scout get to take flights and stay in five-star hotels, but I’m okay to travel by bus. I’ve only been to Minnesota, Wisconsin, and California, so I’m excited to see the country this way. First stop - Orlando! In three days!

We booked three buses, one for the musical accompaniment (technically I’m one of them I suppose, but the boys say they hate road trips with Logan, so I just snuck onto the bus he’s on to keep him company), and two for the band. Each one has three tiny bunks, some couches, a full bathroom, most of a kitchen, and plenty of cabinet space for snacks, games, and anything we could possibly need. For now, I’m writing from the couch, sitting next to a napping Logan, and Carlos is up front making friends with the driver, Henrietta. The other bus is currently transporting Kendall and James.

Speaking of, after Gustavo told us the tour was back on after the concert when I came running to you two to tell you what had happened, James practically ran straight to 2-J to pack and hasn’t spoken to me since. I thought I had done everything right but I guess maybe he wasn’t actually into me after all. Maybe just the thrill of surviving a kidnapping?

“I lived through this so now I can kiss Roxy!”

Blegh.

Though, I suppose it might be a good thing… After thinking about it while I was packing I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now, if that’s even something he’s interested in. Sure, I like him, but I think I still need some time to get over what Dak did to me. As much as I don’t enjoy thinking about it, they bare many similarities and that scares me a bit more than I’d like to admit.

Pop stars

Can be self-absorbed

‘Cuda extra strength hairspray

Pretty

I should probably quit while I’m ahead, but I guess I’m gonna learn my lesson if I keep playing with fire and then promptly getting burned.

All my love,

Roxy

***

Hey,

It was so humid in Orlando that it took me an extra hour to fix my hair before the show, but other than that, we had a lot of fun! I’m really proud of the show we put together and getting to perform for a new crowd all the way across the country was so surreal. There are people who know all the words to my songs, more than willing to scream them right in my face… If only that pesky boy band wasn’t in the way.

Just kidding!

Today, we’re heading to Mansfield, Massachusetts - one whole day on the bus and a show tomorrow. I’d look up some facts about the town to share but, you know, no phone or whatever. Warden Rocque hasn’t changed his mind even after the combination of pleading from the five of us…

Before the show in Orlando, I got to talk with the guys in the musical accompaniment band a bit more, they were super nice! Mick, the bass player, is pretty quiet and mostly hangs out with Gustavo and Kelly since they’re old friends, but Austin, the drummer, is our age and easy to get along with! He goes to a performance arts high school in Los Angeles called Hollywood Arts (Can you believe that’s a real thing?! A whole school just for acting, singing, and growing musical talent?!)

Austin and I have somewhat similar music taste, and his father taught him how to play the drums, just like my dad taught me how to play the guitar! We’re alike in many ways, and since 1/4 of Big Time Rush wants to ignore me right now, I think I’ll be spending more time with him…

It’s bad that I thought James might kiss me again at the show last night, right? I stood in the same spot side-stage, putting on the same lipstick and everything, but he and the band just ran past me on the way to the other side of the venue. I wonder if he told them what happened; everyone else is being normal to me.

Logan says he misses you so much, Camille! Quickly followed by a panicked statement, “Not that I don’t care about Jo, it’s just different!” Kendall joined us on the bus today, swapping out with Carlos, and said, “Tell Jo I vow to get my phone back so I can call her again,” and when I asked him why he didn’t write you letters too, he claimed that stamps were too expensive. Perhaps your boyfriend is both illiterate and broke, Jo, and for that I’m sorry.

See you soon, even if soon isn’t soon enough,

Roxy

***

Thought of you both today, and it made me so happy,

We just arrived in Agawam, Massachusetts, which is only two hours away from Mansfield, so we had a quick show turnaround for the day.

I never knew going on tour was so exhausting, it’s like I’m constantly running around the venues, checking our equipment, making sure the proper snacks are in the band’s green rooms, or seeing if the stage crew needs any help. We have two big eighteen-wheelers to carry all of our stage equipment… I can’t imagine being in charge of all that stuff - the stage manager is a saint!

This morning, Gustavo dragged us out of the bus around 6 am to get to a local radio station so the band could promote their show tonight live on the air. They even gave a pair of tickets away to a fan, it was so fun to watch and reminded me a bit of my radio days. I might call my old boss and ask her if BTR can get on Project Pop when we finish our tour in Duluth.

While the band was working out with our athletic trainer to keep in shape for the show this evening, I hung out with Austin a bit more. He was nice enough to show me his drum kit and I think I’m going to ask him to teach me how to play if we have some free time. It looks a lot more fun than the piano, plus I get to hit things. Drums are a crucial part of instrumental songwriting, and I could really use the knowledge of a seasoned drummer to help me learn.

James saw us together today when he made his way to the stage to warm up for the show, and I might be overexaggerating but I think he was a bit put off by it. I thought about talking to him about it, not that I need to ask if it's okay or justify who I hang out with, but I actually think he and Austin would get along really well if he could stand to be in the same room as me for more than 5 minutes.

I think it should be illegal to kiss someone and then promptly ignore them. What if I wanted to kiss him again? And again? And again?

Anyway, I wish mail traveled fast enough that you two could send me replies and I’d be guaranteed to get them at the next venue. It feels a bit like I’m writing to a brick wall here, but it certainly keeps me occupied during our very rare downtime. The couch on this bus has become my unspoken spot (the bunks are too narrow and small for me to feel comfortable in them) and I need to do more than just sleep here, listen to my iPod, or write/play my guitar.

Until the next letter,

Rox

***

Hello!

Too many things happened today for me to record before the show, I’m writing you two a nice list as we drive away to our next stop.

James rode the bus with Logan and me today (a two-hour ride to Saratoga Springs, New York) and the two of them ignored me almost the entire time and just played their stupid video game on the TV. All I got was a “Hey, Rox, can we use the couch?” and some semblance of a thank you when I told him yes. Ugh. Is “Hey, Rox, remember when I kissed you last week? Wasn’t that so awesome? Wanna do it again?” too much for him now? It feels like I sucked all of his fun, flirty, carefree attitude straight out of his body.

I asked Austin if he could teach me how to play the drums and he said yes, as long as I helped him write a song for a fun summer project. Apparently, a good chunk of the kids at his school are songwriters too, how neat! If they write something like a short scene of a play, a song, or a musical composition and present it in the first few weeks of school, they get extra course credit. I wish the Palm Woods school had something like that - I’d be rocking straight A’s the entire year.

It was finally time for me to call my dad today, as per Warden Rocque’s direction, and he’s doing okay. Nothing ever changes with him, so I’m pretty at ease as we travel. Kelly let me put him on the guest list for the Duluth show, and even though I know he won’t really like our music, I think he’ll admire the production. He always wanted to tour around the country, and I hope showing him some backstage magic can help satisfy the teenage rocker he used to be. Maybe it’ll be a good time for him to meet Kendall, Logan, and Carlos too!

The band was recognized in public for the first time today while we were waiting in line for coffee! I’m not sure if the girl posted the photo I happily took of her and the boys to ScuttleButter, but I hope you two can find it so you can see their dazzling, shocked smiles. They were beyond ecstatic; Carlos spilled most of his drink from how hard his hands were shaking with adrenaline. Good thing he wasn’t wearing his concert outfit or Gustavo would’ve thrown a fit.

I was hoping to sneak away and take a train to New York City since we got here so early in the morning, but that is what happened instead. We’re playing Madison Square Garden near the end of the tour, so I’ll see the city then, but I’m worried I’ll be too tired and burnt out to enjoy it.

Warm wishes,

Roxy

***

Friends,

Sorry for the lack of letters these past few days! We’ve been so busy getting from New York to Oklahoma, we haven’t stopped anywhere with a mailbox I could easily find. You know what would make it easier for me to find a post office? Having my phone.

I’ve probably complained about that enough, right?

Over the course of this particular trip, I’ve been traveling with Logan and Carlos and I’m beginning to understand why the boys claim road trips with Logan are tough. He has a pretty strict expectation for cleanliness, which Carlos and I do not adhere to at all - but in helping clean up and placing things in their bunks to help put a rest to Logan’s anxiety this afternoon, I learned he has a picture of you, Camille, tapped to the top of his bunk. It’s been pretty well hidden by the curtain he keeps drawn, but I caught a glimpse of it this afternoon. So romantic!!! I imagine Kendall has something similar of you, Jo, but I’ll have to wait until he’s back in rotation with us to double-check.

I wonder if it’s exhausting for the other three to keep moving around, or if they prefer it that way. For me, I like knowing that Bus 1 is my bus… Having to haul all my stuff from one bus to another feels like an excellent way to lose some of my things.

Do you think if James and I were together he’d have a picture of me in his bunk? The thought of him falling asleep to dreams of me… Seems impossible. And exhausting to work for. If he’s going to be all hot and cold like this, I’m not sure I’d be able to take it, but on the other hand, it’s not like I’m communicating with him either because whenever I even try to bring up anything related to us at all, I freeze up and all the thoughts exit my brain before I can get a word out. Maybe we are made for each other after all since neither of us seems to want to get a word out… The pretty idiot and his idiot songwriter… Haha….

On a separate note, after the show in Tulsa tonight, the band, our bosses, and the musical accompaniment will be headed straight to the airport to catch a flight to Del Mar, California for our next show there in four days. Due to my flight aversion, I get to stay with the buses and gear and travel on the ground to meet them there. It will be interesting to see how I fare, considering I’ve been around the band 24/7 for the last two weeks. Maybe I’ll be able to work on some music distraction-free. I have a few works in progress, both about guys I really don’t want to think about, but once this tour cycle is over there’s no doubt we’re going to begin the process all over again for album 2.

Just paused writing this to pull out my journal and write “All Over Again” down on a blank page. That sounds like a wonderful song title.

Talk again soon,

Roxy

***

Guess what?

I was right about getting in some quality songwriting time. With the near silence of the bus, besides the intermittent strumming of my guitar and terrible singing of my own lyrics to the musical background track in my head, I think I’ve finally finished Til I Forget About You, even if the title isn’t all that accurate.

In fact, the title isn’t accurate in the slightest. In these last four days, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about Dak more. There’s been lots of frustrated yelling, crying, ripping and crumpling of pages of my journal on the floor… I don’t know how Taylor Swift makes writing break-up songs look so easy. She’s been who I pray to when I get stuck on a line or can’t figure out which chord I like better.

Between Gustavo’s and my affinity for pop music, when I write from the deep recesses of my heart, I find myself bringing out my rock roots. There’s nothing better than the feeling of guitar blasting from the speakers so loud you can feel it rattling around in your rib cage, filling up your ears and leaving them ringing for days on end, and that is the feeling I’ve been coasting on these few days…

It reminds me of my dad and I think that’s why it helps me feel better. Growing up on the heels of his time in the rock scene in Texas, then discovering the punk scene in Minnesota, he was always using his free time to replicate the sounds he’d hear at shows to play for me on his days off. He would tell me all the time that I was such a smiley, giggly kid, as long as his guitar was out - so the minute I was old enough to hold one in my hands he bought me one and taught me to play.

When I was finally old enough to go to shows with him, I always loved the contrast between our looks - my mainstream, bright-colored clothing straight out of TeenVogue and his old, beat-up black band t-shirts blending in with the dark ink on his forearms and even darker jeans and Doc Martins. Was a crowded basement in a random suburb miles away from our house, filled with drunk 20 to 30-somethings and a lineup of 7 different bands in one night really the safest place for a 13-year-old girl? Certainly not, but he always kept me safe and gave me a space to foster my own music taste just like he was afforded as a teenager.

Phew. That was a long-winded way of saying that I’m finally starting to find myself getting over the pain Dak caused me through my music, and I’m really lucky Big Time Rush has given me the space to explore this. Not that Til I Forget About You is an incredible, unmatched rock song - it is still very much a pop song, which I love just as much - but it is, for all intents and purposes, mine.

I miss both of you so much, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Roxy

***

Greetings,

One thing always seems to lead to another. In Del Mar, we finally had an actual, honest-to-God day of rest yesterday and the band asked if I wanted to go to the beach with them. Of course, I agreed, because it felt close to chilling by the Palm Woods pool, but once we got there I quickly learned that the trip everyone took without me brought Austin and the boys closer together. Which is fine, that’s what I wanted in the first place, but now, it feels like I’ve lost my touring buddy.

They spent the entire day surfing (where did these boys learn how to surf?), playing volleyball, and trying to pick up dates, and basically left me to my own devices to watch our stuff. I even wore my best bikini top (purple!) in hopes maybe, just maybe, it would bother James a bit, but I’m not sure he even noticed as he kept trying to play wingman for Carlos and Austin all day. I guess he decided no one on the beach was interesting enough to try and pick up.

Something I did notice, not that it matters at all, but Austin had a bit of trouble in the sun all day. Logan said that he was displaying symptoms of hypoglycemia, and he and I had to help Austin back to our stuff at one point after he nearly toppled over from how shaky his legs were. Eventually, we were able to get a few sodas in him, and he claimed to be right as rain, but it was pretty scary. I know it’s not right of me to ask him what I can do to help if he ever needed it because if he wanted me to share, he would have told me, but it was a bit hard not to take note of the small, off-white pod attached to his deep almond abdomen when he took his shirt off.

Typically, I’d just look it up in private to confirm my own thoughts, but I don’t get my phone for another few days. For now, though, or until he’s comfortable talking about it, I stopped into a corner store on the way back to our buses to grab some snacks that I think would help if his blood sugar were to drop unexpectedly again. Now I just pray nothing punctures the small juice boxes I put in a plastic bag or the hard fruit candies don’t spill out and stick to anything.

And on top of all of that, despite applying copious amounts of sunscreen, I managed to burn my legs. Goodbye shorts and skirts, hello pants I was saving for the colder climates. I tried to take a page out of Hayley Williams’ style book and go for shorts and fitted tees or crop tops as my go-to stage look - adding in jewelry, belts, tights, whatever to switch up my looks day to day, but now I guess I’ll be looking more like Gwen Stefani circa 1995 with my small shirts and big pants.

The show went off without a hitch and we’re off to Central Point, Oregon now, and hopefully once things get back to normal I can get my tour buddy back.

Rox

***

Girls!!!!

I know you’re both from the east coast, and I am obviously so Midwest, but there is just something about the crisp, Oregon air that makes me long for a different hometown. If I grew up here, beautiful Central Point, I think (in addition to being a major league hippie) I might have led a very different life. It’s strange to think about, and I’m incredibly grateful for my current life, but can you imagine if I was the owner of a quaint crystal shop on the edge of the evergreen forests of this state, or if I hand knit sweaters, tye-dying them all crazy, fun colors to sell to tourists. One pretty prominent radio station, Talk Radio Network, is based here, so maybe I’d still be Rockin’ Roxy out here too…

It’s a quiet town, however, not like Duluth or Los Angeles, and it’s pretty far from Portland. My dad always told me he wanted to visit there - apparently, they have a thriving music community in that town.

That’s all I have in the way of updates. After tonight’s show, we’re on our way back to California to the town of Turlock. Kelly, Gustavo, and I could have been a bit more coordinated when booking shows, but we were desperate enough to take whatever we could get, even if it meant extra travel time.

Extra travel time, however, means I have more time to think about the dumpster fire that is my love life as I am now trapped in a bus with James once again. Maybe he and Logan will play that stupid game again and leave me alone as I write.

Speaking of, here’s a few lines I’m working on. What do you think?

I see you walking, but all you do is pass me by,

Can’t even talk, ‘cause words don’t come into my mind,

I’d make a move if I had the guts to,

But I’m paralyzed

Best,

Roxy

***

Good morning, or evening, or whatever the appropriate time may be,

I’m so sorry I skipped out on letters these past few days, our show turnaround time has been insane, and I’ve been doing my best to keep up with my assistant-ly duties to the best of my ability - meaning I’ve had no time to myself in the last four days. Since I last wrote, we’ve been to Turlock, California, Costa Mesa, California, Kansas City, Missouri, and are presently pulling away from Harrington, Delaware.

A list of things of note for you:

In Turlock, Carlos ran over to me during the show and asked me if I wanted to sing. I said absolutely not and he ran off again. Then in Costa Mesa, he ran up to me during City is Ours and asked me to shout “There they are!” into his microphone after the “We pull up, open the door, all the girls scream-” line, while the rest of the band held theirs out to the crowd. They’re really taking this show and making it theirs, and it’s lovely to see. As I write this, Carlos just informed me I’ll be doing that every night with that big, goofy grin of his that makes it impossible for me to even think about saying no.

We did a radio show in each city, and the questions these interviewers come up with in order to be different from one another are just insane. Though, one of the hosts did ask them if they had anyone special waiting for them back home - it gave Logan a chance to stutter his way around the question (Camille… Make it official with him already!) and Kendall the opportunity to monologue about Jo for, like, five minutes. I would’ve recorded it had I had a device on hand capable of doing so (yeah I’m not done complaining). By the time he was done, the interview had nearly ended, so Carlos squeaked out “I have four special people!” and I think he meant the Jennifers and Stephanie (Is Stephanie back yet?). James (blegh!) said “Anyone willing to wait on me is special,” like the true teen idol he is. Any girl willing to wait on him… I pity her.

My drum lessons started in Kansas City after the band managed to rope Austin into a game of pickup while the buses were unloading. Who puts a basketball hoop outside of a music venue and expects anyone to get anything done? Regardless, it was a lot of fun and Austin is a pretty attentive teacher - far better than grouchy Gustavo when he was going over piano basics. There’s a lot I can learn from him! We also started writing his song, a fun, simple summer song about the beach and girls and whatnot… I’m excited to see this project through with him.

Gustavo and Kelly wrote a note on the daily itinerary sheets they give the band and I that we’re currently headed to Denver, Colorado, where we’ll have two days off from performing to do interviews, radio shows, news slots, the whole nine yards. Apparently, news outlets come to us, not the other way around, and they’re very excited to talk to America’s next top boy band. We’ll be doing a few live acoustic performances as well, meaning the guys and I, on camera, filmed for the whole world to see. Let’s hope I don’t mess up.

Miss you endlessly!

Roxy

***

Greetings from the Mile High City,

The press day, the boys claimed, was “hella exciting” and “beyond epic”... I’d describe it more like “waking nightmare” if anyone bothered to ask me. All they had to do was sit there, look pretty, answer some questions or play silly games, and sing. I, on the other hand, was lost in an endless pile of media release forms for every news outlet to approve, combing through the Gustavo pre-approved questions the interviewers were going to ask the boys, keeping their refreshments well stocked so they never ran out of water and choked on a dry throat when they went to answer questions… My work is never-ending!

Definitely one of the worst days on this tour for me, though, I wouldn’t choose it over having to go back and rewrite Til I Forget About You. Speaking of, in my previous letter I forgot to mention a particularly important line that I keep repeating to myself whenever I find my thoughts unpleasantly flickering to Dak… Or at this point, to James.

I found a place where I can lose myself,

And just leave your memory on the shelf,

See? I’m fine, no, I don’t need nobody else.

The punctuation is subject to change, but for now, I’m quite certain I don’t need anyone else in my life. I’m fine just being Roxy for a while… Even if my thoughts often turn into Roxy and James.

Not to toot my own horn, but the song is very good, and I can’t wait to record it once we get back from tour. I think that’ll be a good point to mark my “getting over it” progress.

Something I forgot to mention about these interviews, that I now realize as we pull away from the Denver venue and off to Eureka, Missouri, is I’m actually learning so much about the band by sitting and listening in. They almost never talk about their lives before Hollywood, because the four of them have (as I learned today) known each other since they were four years old. From first meeting at a Pee-Wee hockey league game all the way to playing varsity hockey at MAHS, they’ve been with each other almost their entire lives. Most of the interviewers ask really good, clear questions, that lead the boys down a path that gets them talking and reminiscing on themselves - something they rarely speak about when the others are around. Today (among other things) I also learned Carlos is fluent in Spanish, Logan was really into ventriloquy in middle school, Kendall is allergic to kiwi, and James is the heir to the Brooke Diamond Cosmetics company.

I should have put two and two together on the last one, he’s insanely beautiful and the last name “Diamond” isn’t exactly very common, but remembering what he’s told me about his mom and now knowing she’s Brooke Diamond?? The Este Lauder of the Midwest?? accounts for a lot of his behavior.

A few years ago, there was a big scandal that hit the front page of all the Duluth papers, news stations, radio waves, etc., claiming that BDC’s top model, and Brooke’s husband, Blake Diamond, was caught having an affair with a woman half his wife’s age. On top of that being insanely disgusting, it was in the news for weeks, announcing the Diamond divorce, explaining the court hearings and who got what, all leading up to Blake and his girlfriend eloping to Vegas and getting married the minute he and Brooke were officially split.

What does that do to a budding teenager? Chew them up and spit them out a completely new person. No wonder James never talks about his parents, or his home(s). The only time I learned something about his family was after the dance when he told me his mom made him break up with his boyfriend and when we were back in Minnesota he vaguely told me his parents were separated.

God, I cannot imagine what that must have/still feels like for him. Knowing that he had Kendall, Logan, and Carlos to help him through it makes me feel better, though.

I think, among other reasons, that might have been why he helped get us back to Hollywood a few days before the big concert. Either returning home to his successful mother as a failure or returning home to stay with a cheater and his new wife…

Phew. That was a long one. Every time I send one of these I can feel the two of you mentally cursing me for my wishy-washy gushy James feelings - trust me, it’s just as exhausting for me to think I’m fine alone one day, then want him so badly the next. Please bear with me while I figure this all out.

Wish you were here,

Roxy

***

Eureka!

Somewhere in the middle of Kansas, Kendall woke me up from my lazy couch nap to tell me he wants to learn how to play the guitar.

“That’s great,” I said. “I’d love to teach you, but all my guitars are strung left-handed.”

Bless his heart, he cocked his head and asked, “Why does that matter?”

“Well. I’m left-handed. You’re not. It’s a completely different learning process.”

“Do you know how many hockey players play left-handed, even though they’re right-hand dominant?”

Of course, I don’t. But, in the small second I had to think about it, I realized that there are plenty of famous guitar players that do that too… kind of. Many left-handed guitar players just learn right-handed because left-hand guitar equipment isn’t produced near as much or to the same quality and standards as right-handed equipment!

Thankfully, my dad is left-handed too, so he knew where to get the proper things in order for me to play when I was little, but it was I who took it upon myself to learn how to restring a guitar to fit my own needs. When I was 12, there was this beautiful oak wood acoustic in the local music shop, but it was strung right-handed. The owner didn’t know how to restring it (claiming no one had ever asked him to before, but I just think he was lazy), so I convinced my dad to buy it, a pack of new strings, and a tool kit, and I took it apart, then put everything back everything completely opposite - worked like a charm, until I sold it a few years later to get my electric acoustic.

In all, I’m excited to teach Kendall but I’ll have to find the time in between my assistant duties and my own drum lessons. The request was a bit out of the blue, however, and I wanted to ask him why, but he was too busy buzzing to Logan about it after I told him yes. Maybe he’s trying to learn a skill that will set him apart from the other band members.

After tonight’s show, we’ve got another one tomorrow before another press day, then a stretch of three more shows back to back. It’ll be tiring, but at least we’re having fun. Playing shows is rewarding beyond measure, and hard for me to put into words, but the connection the band has to their audience is unmatched. The way they can make thousands of people get up and dance, sing, let loose… It’s a beautiful sight - one I’m so lucky to be able to witness almost every night.

Maybe you can find some clips on SnoobTube,

Roxy

***

Girls, I’m running out of clever greetings,

I AM SO TIRED.

Columbus, Ohio, along with being a boring city in the world, also happened to be the same place our press day was taking place - meaning we were there for two days too long. Then, we had our three-day tour stint.

On day one, one of our eighteen-wheelers containing half of the stage set up was late. So, guess who, on top of making sure the boys were situated in their green rooms and had everything they requested, had to assist with tech setup I knew nothing about, got to run the soundcheck almost completely alone, and explain to Gustavo the boys had to go on a few minutes later than anticipated :)

On day two, I learned more about the boys. Maybe I’m being dumb and petty, but I think it’s a bit strange that much of my knowledge of them is now coming from these interviews - they’re sharing important things, that I think as their friend I should have the right to have known about beforehand. They know I’ve been struggling to get good at the piano for months now and guess who I learned has been playing all his life? James. Would it have killed him to maybe offer a helping hand? In addition, I found out Logan’s favorite food is toast. Just… plain toasted bread and butter… Kendall’s dream pet, apparently, is a goat because he misses the one we rented at the School of Rocque so much and Carlos doesn’t think Antarctica is real. I wish I could’ve stopped him before he said that during a live interview, but you win some, and you lose some. I was too busy handling all the paperwork and helping the next news outlet set up to get the interviews done as quickly as possible to get in his way.

On day three, we made it to Clearfield, Pennsylvania, a cute town that runs along a beautiful river I discovered on a walk in the morning. Sometimes being cooped up in a bus all night gets old, so when the boys work out in the morning, I wander as far as I think I can before Gustavo and Kelly realize I’m missing. The show that night was great, but Kendall ripped his pants jumping off one of my amps, and everyone in the first few rows got to see his underwear. I’m not sure he’ll be living that one down for a while.

On day four, we rolled into West Allis, Wisconsin around 6 am, where we were promptly escorted off the bus and into a local radio station, who called Gustavo the previous evening and practically begged for a Big Time Rush live acoustic performance. So, Mick and Austin got to sleep in, while I grabbed my acoustic guitar and drowsily followed the boys into the studio, languishing in the familiar smell of Lake Michigan - So close to Lake Superior back in Duluth! We performed three songs, Big Time Rush, Stuck (of course…), and Any Kind of Guy acoustic. Honestly, my stage skills are getting better with each performance, and I think it’s because the guys make me feel so relaxed when we play together. Whenever I performed with Brand New Day, I was always trying too hard to impress Dani, and more importantly, Mag, so playing always took a ton of effort. But with Big Time Rush, I feel so at ease, and I’m able to let loose and have fun. The only thing that caught me off guard today was James derailing the interview before Stuck to dedicate it to “Any girl who feels like they’re invisible… Don’t worry, I see you.”

Dedicating a song you didn’t even write to a person it’s not even about? Barf. Those words keep rattling around in my brain and I wish I could kick them straight out, but I’ve been dwelling on them for days.

On day five, we took a ferry (!!) to Midland, Michigan, while our eighteen-wheelers had to take the long way around, through Illinois and Indiana. Since our stage equipment didn’t arrive until the later part of the day, I pulled out two of my guitars stored away in Bus 1 in order to give Kendall his first lesson at the venue. Since Carlos bunked with Logan and me the night before, the boys decided to switch buses for a few hours, which meant I had to deal with an insane amount of James' side eye as he went about making his breakfast in the small kitchen.

If he’s got a problem with me hanging around my friends, he’s no better than Dak and I’m certainly not going through that again. He kisses me a few times and now thinks he has some weird possessive thing over me? Absolutely not. I’m just so done with him, I don’t understand how just a month and a half ago we shared a journey that literally altered the course of our lives, and now, here he is, acting as though it meant nothing to him.

Maybe I need to get out of the celebrity dating pool - if this tour has taught me anything it certainly is the fact that all my friends are famous and I am not.

Yeah. What a downer of a letter this turned into,

Roxy

***

Send lots of caffeine and my giant stuffy puppy to Fairlea, West Virginia, please!

I’m too exhausted to write out a better greeting, so this letter begins with the truth. There were many times over the last three days I sat down to write this, but every day I ended up falling asleep in the middle. Last night, Logan had to physically remove the pen from my hand while I slept as I was apparently in danger of poking my eye out.

In three days we’ve been to Hamburg, New York, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Peru, Illinois. Another day without seeing the Big Apple, another day in a big city that makes me miss Los Angeles, and another day in a city where if the name and state weren’t written down on our call sheets I might be so tiredly deluded I think we’re in a different country.

Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and James are natural-born performers. I, on the other hand, am starting to believe that I may not be cut from a similar cloth. Something inside of them keeps them on the go, go, go, and I would love to know just what it is that makes them tick. The only thing keeping me motivated right now is getting to hear the crowd sing along to my songs every single night. It sounds a bit cheesy to write out, but it’s true! To know all of our hard work writing, recording, and rehearsing, is paying off and reaching corners of the U.S. we didn’t even know existed! And that people are buying our album… So I’ll have a nice cushion of a retirement plan when I’m older…

That, and my lessons of course! Austin has been so cool about helping me learn the drums, and I think I’m getting pretty good even though I’ve only had a few moments of practice. That, and we even had enough time to work on our song more, which is surprisingly almost complete… That boy can write! My goal is to write a drum section for one of my songs all by myself. Normally, Gustavo is able to take my lyrics and guitar melodies and write in drums, bass, piano, or whatever else we think is necessary to execute our grand vision, so for once, I’d like to fill in a new instrument and save him some time which would probably also equate to saving him some time yelling at our other band members.

Guitar lessons with Kendall have been going well too, though I’m not sure he’s very fond of me as a teacher. I’ve struggled to put together little exercises for him to practice because I barely remember learning guitar myself. Maybe I can talk to my dad about it on our next call.

Oh! And Carlos and I invented a game today!

We call it Honk Bonk, and you play it exactly how it sounds. Any time a car in traffic honks, you bonk the closest person on the head with something near you. My weapon of choice, of course, is my journal, and the boys are already used to bonking from that, though someone did honk during Kendall’s lesson today… I was tempted but alas, he needs to stay pretty so he can date my best friend. And sell more albums.

I hope you’re both well, I can’t wait to get back home to see you,

Roxy

***

Panicking! I spent all of today panicking!

This morning, Logan and Kendall shook me awake around 3 am to tell me that it was James’ birthday. TODAY.

I had a few thoughts on this. 1. Why didn’t any of the band mention this until we were three hours into the day? 2. Where the hell am I supposed to get party supplies on a moving bus rolling into Fairlea, West Virginia? 3. How am I going to survive an entire day centered around the guy I’m doing my very best not to think about? 4. Is James mature enough to be the first of us to turn seventeen?

Thank God James was on the other bus because if he had heard the ideas Logan, Kendall, and I had in order to surprise James the minute we stopped at the next venue…

Here was what we came up with:

If you cut up little pieces of colored paper, it kinda looks like confetti. The colored paper in question? Three of the front and back covers of books Logan had brought and finished in the first part of the tour. Kendall had to physically restrain him as I did this.

I’m a songwriter - when in a pinch, write a song. The three of us quickly devised a little spin on the traditional happy birthday song to surprise James with on stage later that blends into the traditional song everyone knows. Hopefully, an entire stadium of people singing to him is a good enough gift.

We can take old tour itineraries from the previous towns, a Sharpie, and some of the bungee chords holding our equipment down during travel to make a HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES banner.

The bus was stocked with enough items to make Oreo Fluff salad, thanks to the miracle that is pudding cups, but not a real cake… He seemed to enjoy it when he came to tell me we were going back to L.A. after a few hours in Duluth. I don’t have any green food coloring, however, so it was boring black and white.

A sub point - around 6 am I begged the bus driver, Henrietta, to let me use her phone and call a Fairlea local bakery and express order a cake to bring out on stage. I also managed to call the venue and ask them to pick up some cupcakes to be waiting in the green room when we arrived and put up any party supplies they had on hand.

It was exhausting, like most things on this tour I guess, but once we rolled into town everything had been squared away, our efforts were well worth it.

Did you know that when James smiles, like really smiles, he has the most adorable dimples that carve right into his cheeks?

A smile that makes me breathless. A smile that remained on his face all day as we surprised him with our homemade banner, confetti, and treats. A smile plastered on his face the entire show, especially when we surprised him with our song, cake, and the entire crowd sang him happy birthday.

When the show ended, the band freshened up and went to meet some fans out by the front of the venue, and I had to run back into the bus and record my journal entry and write this letter, as I currently am before they came back.

My journal entry contained the word “James” like 40 times.

GOD! He ignores me almost all of the tour, speaking to me only about the essentials or whatever's going on around us on our days off, I finally decide he isn’t into me and I should just chill out for a bit, and now I’m suddenly all about him again. Maybe it’s just because I’m around him literally every day… Maybe it’s because I felt a hint of (healthy! Definitely healthy!) jealousy when he looked at everyone singing to him on stage and in the crowd except for me… Ugh.

We’re on for another multi-day stretch of shows, so please forgive me for fewer letters as the days go on,

Roxy

***

Look I know I said I’d be sending fewer letters but I NEED to tell you guys this.

After arriving in Farmingville, New York, around 9ish in the morning, I was abruptly awoken to the sound of Gustavo yelling at the band about who knows what. Apparently, this pissed them off so much they came storming onto my bus, told me to get ready as fast as I could, and thirty minutes later we were sneaking out of the venue and into a taxi that drove us right into the heart of Manhattan.

We messed around the city for the ENTIRE DAY and Gustavo had no way of finding us since he had our phones. Finally, we got to be the tourists instead of the attraction, before getting back to the venue before the show started.

Once the taxi dropped us off right outside of Time Square, Logan had the brilliant idea for each of us to pick one thing we wanted to do, and do our best to complete them before the end of the day. The list is as follows:

Kendall wanted to go to the top of the Empire State Building

Logan wanted to visit the Morgan Library

Carlos wanted to see Spider-Man

James (after loudly complaining we couldn’t see something on Broadway) wanted to take a sightseeing cruise around the bay to see the Statue of Liberty

I wanted to see the musical instrument display at the MET and I convinced everyone to join me for a lunch picnic in Central Park.

Today was literally perfect, though I did feel a bit bad about leaving Austin and Mick back at the venue to run the soundcheck without me.

Besides admiring the thousands of advertisements roving around the Square, the first thing we did was hit the Morgan Library. The architecture was just breathtaking and it was amazing to see the carefully curated collection of historical documents. They even had musical manuscripts and printed forms of music from nearly one hundred years ago… I wonder how a boy band in 1909 would look… Or if my journals will be on display in 2109… Scary!

Not as scary as the top of the Empire State Building, though!

It was so cold and windy up there, even in the middle of the summer. I practically had to cling to Carlos’ arm to feel even a little bit stable, but of course, he wanted to get right up to the very edge of the building and look straight down. Kendall and Logan wanted to join him (one to spit off the edge and the other to try and calculate how far away the second tallest building in NY was) so I got passed off to James. Would it have killed him to put his arm around me and tell me it would be alright? Jesus. He just stood there, silently looking off into the distance while I clutched at his arm. Message received: He isn’t into me.

The rest of the day was fun and I wanted to write more but now I’m a bit sad after writing that. All I really want to do is go to bed now; I’ll tell you about it when we meet again, I guess.

Roxy

***

Daddy,

Tour is hard. So hard. And I feel so stupid for thinking that I was cut out for this kind of thing. Songwriters are for the studio, not the stage. I’ve spent so much time around the guys I’m starting to go crazy. You and I always talked about traveling if we had the money, and let me tell you one day per city is hardly enough to even say that I’ve been here. It’s not cross-country exploration if I haven’t explored five minutes past the closest coffee shop because I can barely keep my eyes open without caffeine.

I’m constantly tired. My back hurts from sleeping on the couch. My fingers are so sore. My eyes are dry from the incessant spotlight lighting us up for thousands of people every night. The next person to ask me for something might get their head bitten off if they don’t say “please?”

Just because I’m an assistant doesn’t mean I get to be walked all over.

The applause is nice though, hearing everyone sing along to my songs even in parts of the country I’ve never even heard of… Maybe that’s enough to get me to Duluth.

I can’t wait to see you. Sorry for the depressing letter, I’m having a hard time being away from both of my homes.

Promise you’ll listen to the setlist before you see us?

I hope I’m making you proud,

Roxanne

***

Hi.

The shows in Lima, Ohio, and Falcon Heights, Minnesota were great. Our friends are just so talented. It was hard being so close to Duluth, and I invited my dad to the show last minute, but he wasn’t able to make it.

We’re driving to Essex, Vermont now - 13 hours into a 20-hour journey.

The weather out here has been awful, it’s been thunder storming nonstop, so we haven’t been making as many stops as we usually have. Just my luck I’m stuck with Logan and James, and I’ve been writing a song all day.

It’s a song for James’ invisible girls… More accurately, a song full of words I wish he would say to me.

Am I out of mind, or just invisible?

Anyway. It’s been extra hard to write because the two of them were sitting less than three feet away from me the entire time. They’re both so nosey, consciously or not and kept looking over at me. I could tell they wanted to ask me about it, but at least they were respectful enough not to.

It’s got a really beautiful guitar melody, but I’d love to get my hands on my keyboard back home because I have a cool idea for a backing track… Never thought I’d be excited to play the piano but here I am, itching to play it thousands of miles from home.

We play Boston, Massachusetts in a few days, and the boys kept talking about wanting to hit up a pizza place in the city that they visited during one of their hockey tournaments a few years ago. At this point, I’m just trying to get through the next 7 hours. That’s when we get to the next venue, though we have to take a day off from the show tomorrow. Not only is it Carlos’ birthday, but it’s the day of Hawk and Rebecca’s trial. Sweet, sweet seventeen spent reminiscing one of the worst moments of our entire lives. Whoo whoo.

In other depressing news, after coming to the realization that I like James, but he doesn’t like me, it’s been extra hard to be around him. Mostly I just hang out with Austin and beat out my frustration on his drum kit… The last 13 hours have been like hell. Every time James smiles, it makes me want to. His laugh rings in my ears, sending a jolt straight through my heart. Whenever he gets up to walk by me, it takes everything in me not to stare as he moves about the bus.

It’s exhausting… Having a crush on someone is supposed to be fun. I’m supposed to feel like I’m walking on air, and glow, and sparkle, and shine. Instead, I feel like shit.

Truly, I guess I don’t really know him like I thought I did. What happened to the always flirty, unserious, loverboy who took me on a date our first month in Los Angeles?

I think I blew my chance with him once I met Dak, and I think I hate myself for it.

Exhausted and missing home,

Roxy

***

Happy birthday, happy trial day,

I hope you’ll be pleased to know that Hawk and Rebecca will be going away for a long time. We tried to celebrate Carlos’ birthday with cupcakes at the venue, but no one had an appetite after our Skype trial. To try and lighten the mood, I played a few songs he showed me at the beginning of the tour on my guitar, but I could tell as he absently sang along it wasn’t really helping.

Though, in other news that I shouldn’t be happy about, James spoke to me today unprompted and asked if I was okay after my testimony. Apparently, I was speaking quite shakily… Which, yeah. I was fucking kidnapped and asked to recount it in front of a room full of people I don’t know, of course, I was shaky. But at least he was thinking about me.

Maybe he needs signs or cues or reasons to act or something… Weirdo.

Anyway, we’ll bring a cake out for Carlos during the show tomorrow and have the crowd sing for him. Hopefully, he’s in better spirits tomorrow.

This was a weird letter, I know. Life’s weird recently, but thanks for reading. Miss you two.

Roxy.

***

Carlos fucking Garcia has been reading my mail. I’m convinced of it! Because tonight, when the band did the little introduction of their musical accompaniment, Carlos introduced me, walked right up to me, planted to sweetest, wettest, loudest kiss onto my cheek, and told me he loved me in front of the whole crowd.

When I told him I loved him back, we got some “awwws” (mostly “boooos” that I’m choosing to ignore) and continued the show.

Then.

When the show ended.

James grabbed my hand, dragged me off towards the back door of the venue, onto some side street alley where we couldn’t hear the crowds of people leaving the show anymore, and asked me if I wanted to make out.

A reason to act! Carlos telling thousands of people he loved me was a reason to act!

So.

We made out in a dirty, smelly alley and I think it was the best night of my entire life… Besides the five seconds I’m pretty sure a rat touched my foot.

There is hope yet,

Roxy

P.S.

When I got back to the bus I was buzzing so bad I told Logan everything. That I liked James, that we kissed, that we kissed some more, that I think about him all the time, that I’ve written one and a half songs about him already.

I’m in so deep at this point… And all Logan did was grin at me - stupid, dumb grin - and say “Finally,” before heading off to his bunk to sleep.

Camille, I hate your almost-boyfriend and I’m drawing all over his face in Sharpie tonight.

***

Oops,

Not to leave you two on a cliffhanger but the last month of tour has been so insane I haven’t even had a minute to myself to write (letters or otherwise), think, or even just take a breather in a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.

The rockstar lifestyle is hard to get used to… Hopefully, we budget more off days for future tours or I might go crazy.

To answer the question I know is on your minds: No. Nothing else happened with me and James, though he does actually sit down and talk to me now (even if it’s mostly work-related, I’ll take it). We toured all throughout most of the other states in the country, I’d write them all here but I lost track after Boston if I’m being honest. Though I do know that at one point we were in Phoenix, Arizona and Kendall accidentally said “Hello, Las Vegas!” to the entire stadium.

MSG was insane. Best venue I’ve ever been to, the best crowd we’ve ever had, and the second-best night of my life.

As I write to you now, we’re about to play our last show in Duluth, Minnesota, before our three-day journey home. I’ve got a bunch of silly string to prank the boys with on stage during their solo sets… They won’t even know what hit them!

My dad finally got to meet the guys, though I’m not sure he liked any of them but he was kind enough - but what father would like the four boys his daughter is best friends with? I have no idea why he keeps calling James “Jay” but whatever. After the show ended I snuck him out of the venue and showed him our buses, and trucks for stage set up, and let him meet Mick and Austin as well - Austin even performed his song for my dad… His first audience member!

Safe to say, he loved Austin’s number, but how he felt about everything else, he didn’t share on his face like normal. I like to think I’m pretty good at deciphering how my father feels at this point in my life, but he kept his expressions at bay as we walked around everything we had waiting for us outside. I hope it didn’t put him off or something, considering I know that being a musician was his dream, too. What he did say was: “You shared this bus with two boys?” and “Which guitars are you using, Honey Bun? You deserve only the best.”

Dads.

I also got to meet Logan and Carlos’ families! (Minus James’... I felt really bad for him that his parents weren’t there…) Logan’s moms were so sweet - overly doting on him, fixing up his outfit, practically smothering him with health facts and tips. I think one of his moms is a realtor, while the other is a doctor, which would explain Logan’s want to be a doctor himself. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s a pediatrician. She gave off the vibe she’d be amazing with kids. It must have been so wonderful to grow up in that household :)

Since I’d already met Carlos’ dad, Mr. Garcia was kind enough to introduce me to his wife and three daughters. Genetics work in mysterious ways, blessing each of the Garcia children with the same dark hair and alluring eyes. It was hard to tell sisters Maria, Lupe, and Alena apart, but after talking to them a bit I was able to find some differences. They all followed me on ScuttleButter, so maybe we’ll talk more in the future. I loved getting to know them! Mrs. Garcia and her son also share a lot of the same mannerisms - they’re both curious, caring, and just a bit ADHD. The two of them spent most of their time together with the girls, pointing out different things about the venue, sharing stories from their time away from each other, and the coolest part was their switching back and forth from English to Spanish depending on if they wanted their conversations to be overheard or not.

At one point I think they were talking about me (and James) but I can’t be sure. Maybe if I’d taken Spanish in school instead of French my freshman year…

I wish Mrs. Knight had been there, but Kendall and James kept themselves occupied by talking sports with my dad. For a bit, Dad and Kendall talked about guitars after mentioning that I was teaching him how to play, leaving James out of the loop, so I went over and struck up a conversation with him.

Normal. That’s what we are - or more accurately what our relationship is - though, I think he looks at me a bit differently now. There’s no evidence to that last statement, I just feel his eyes on me sometimes and it makes my chest flutter. I much prefer being friends (who made out) that are able to be around each other, than whatever his weird, “ignore Roxy” game was.

The show’s in 10, so we need to start walking to the stage!

I loved writing to you two, but I can’t wait to get back to talking face-to-face. I’m in dire need of a girl’s night.

See you soon (for real this time),

Roxy <3

A little change of pace before season two! Thanks for reading :) Support for this story has been overwhelming!

Since school is starting back up, I'm going to be switching back to posting every two weeks instead of every week. <3

Season two starts September 5th, but I'll do my best to post little one-shots and such on my tumblr, so check over there every once and a while :)

#thats all she wrote fic #big time rush #btr #james diamond #james maslow #kendall knight #kendall schmidt #logan mitchell #logan henderson #carlos garcia #carlos penavega

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deadmomjokes · 2 years

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In case anyone was wondering where I’ve been lately...

MIL came into town for 10 days, because...

Husband was having/has now had back surgery. He’s fine, he’s healing really well and doing great, but he’s also banned from bending, lifting, and twisting for 2 months, as well as still occasionally needing pain meds and muscle relaxers so he can’t drive himself places at the moment. Which means we went from two adults splitting chores and childcare to one adult doing all of it plus caring for the other adult as well.

Bean is having A Time with this. Her dad cannot come roll around on the floor and toss her and sit with her at bedtime, and it is UNACCEPTABLE. Also Dad was GONE for a whole day and a half, including an overnight stay at the hospital, and she wasn’t allowed to stay with him. She’s still quite upset about that. And the whole “the surgery was to fix the problems Dad has been having, but before he feels better he’s going to feel worse because of the surgery (that was supposed to make him feel better)” is reeeeeeally hard to understand. It’s hard for Dad to stomach as an adult, poor 3-year-old is confused, angry, and losing her mind just a little bit. Because, in addition to that (and the fact that Grandma was here and now she’s gone and poor thing misses her Grandma)...

Bean is still dealing with gastric issues. Short version: lifelong recurrent symptoms of acid reflux and problems gaining weight (including weight loss, which is a major yikes) when they’re acting up have gotten her sent to a specialist, who believes she has something called eosinophilic esophagitis. Basically it’s when specialized allergen-fighting white blood cells take up residence in the esophagus and inflame it because something in the diet is triggering a kind-of-sort-of allergy, which causes sensitivity to acid backup from the stomach, which is also more frequent in response to said inflammation. It hurts and makes her body hate her is the main gist of it, and the only way to know for sure is an endoscopy and biopsy of esophagus, stomach, and small intestine. But in order for the results to be accurate, she has to be off the meds that have been controlling it. So she’s currently Not Loving Life a lot of the time, and is generally quite cranky.

Plus she got regular sick again. We’re all crossing fingers Dad doesn’t catch it, because coughing while trying to heal poor traumatized muscles in your back is difficult at best.

I’m about to have a minor revision of the nasal surgery I had last year, which really isn’t that big a deal this time because there’s basically no recovery time, but it takes time out of an already packed schedule.

AND on top of all that, I have a conference in two weeks where I’ll be on 3 panels, doing a presentation, and pitching a manuscript to an agent from an agency I really want to work with. Which is awesome! This is, like, life-changing stuff that’s gonna set me on the path to achieving both goals and dreams. It’s gonna be awesome! It’s just a lot. While a lot is already happening.

So I’m gonna be MIA for the foreseeable future while I try to hold down the fort, keep my child as comfy and happy as possible despite her difficult circumstances, put together a professional presentation and prep for panels, polish a manuscript, draft and polish query letters, design and print business cards, line up child care for 3 days (for a child who is, understandably, difficult atm), get husband to and from appointments while also getting to and from my own appointments and getting Bean & Friend to and from preschool daily, and hopefully not explode, all at the same time.

The good news is, in honor of the fact that I’m about to go do some majorly career-launching, future-defining stuff in the next little while, I’m gonna get fancy hair colors for the first time and a few new outfits so I look all shiny and put-together when I have to stand up in front of people and pretend I know what I’m talking about (despite the fact that I’m already running on OJ and caffeine at 2 weeks out and definitely look like it).

#life #obligatory stress grumble #hiatus #love y'all see you on the flip side #also if you're going to LTUE come see meeeee

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ashtcnirwin · 1 year

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I know it's irrational and stupid but I get nervous every time something big happens in their personal lives, I'm always so scared it will mean the end of the band😔

aw no it's not stupid, dw! it's that whole thing about change always being scary, so i think it's natural to wonder about how major changes in their individual lives might affect the band🌻

i think a few things that are worth keeping in mind are that

like i said in my last ask, they've proven several times by now that 5sos can and will coexist with each member having lives outside each other. there's so much room for individual change and evolution in that band, be it creative or personal or whatever else, as proven by the existence of two solo albums and two marriages. the solo albums are almost two and three years old at this point, while one of the marriages is almost two and a half years old, and the band has yet to be negatively affected by any of that as far as we know. as a matter of fact, the opposite seems to be the case, considering that they repeatedly stated last year that the band felt stronger and more united than ever

something i think it's easy to forget is that while not exactly a 9 to 5 monday to friday job, being in a band is still, at the end of the day, a job. when they make music, play shows, do promo, etc etc, they're doing their jobs, they're working. and like most other jobs, it's one that can and will coexist with marriage and kids

they've always spoken about wanting the band to achieve longevity. like, literally always, since the very beginning. and what that implies, at least the way i see it, is that they at some point must have realised that longevity for the band meant figuring out how the band could coexist with the other things each of them wanted out of life, whether said other things are the marriage & kids-lifestyle or creation of solo music. they're smart guys, they're in tune with themselves and each other, so i'm confident that if they want to make the band work, they will make the band work

i don't see any reason to think that the arrival of a baby, or a band member getting engaged or married, is gonna affect how the band operates, at least not in any major way. exchanging rings, whether engagement- or wedding-ones, and signing a piece of paper hardly changes how what was already a domestic relationship meshes with the band doing band things. having a baby is obviously something of a bigger change but unless michael is harbouring a dream of becoming a full time stay at home dad, i don't see how that either will affect his position in the band. (kind of a side note, but i was saying yesterday that baby or no baby, the band probably would've dipped to take separate time off post-tour anyway. the only difference now is that instead of spending his time off doing whatever things he's done in the past, michael will now spend it figuring out the whole parenting-thing, which doesn't really affect the band at all.)

they’ve proven so many times that they’re very adaptable in the way they function, in the sense that they’ve operated as a band throughout many different life phases by now, all the way from being teenagers who were still in school and living at home, to grown men who have homes to maintain, marriages to tend to and generally have adult responsibilities to deal with. they made it work when they were so young and inexperienced and thousands of miles from home, they made it work when they were experiencing a collective burnout, they made it work through a time when most of them were seemingly losing their footing both professionally and personally, they made it work through a damn pandemic, they made it through two solo eras. they've made it through so much shit, so why would changes in their domestic lives be what breaks them?

#ask

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funkymbtifiction · 2 years

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Hey, Charity! Could I be an ENP? Or am I overestimating my Ne? If it helps, I’m either an enneagram 9 or a 6 - leaning towards 6, tho. Thanks :)

I’m not indecisive, but I like to keep my options open. If something better show up, I won’t mind leaving things behind, even if they’re unfinished. I like to “feel” that I’m choosing the right thing, though, since I’m afraid of making mistakes. Does my anxiety makes me second guess my feelings? Yes. I’m either right about things or completely wrong, no in between. I don’t consider myself a doer, thinking about things is usually enough for me. I hate to be alone with my thoughts and I’d rather have someone to discuss them with. If I like a certain subject, I’ll enjoy discussing everything there’s to know about it with my friends. I easily classify things as good/bad and have to push myself to see the tones of grey. I’ll defend what I believe in if I think it’s worth it to do so. I’d say that I’m somewhat “me” focused, since I’m constantly aware of my emotional state, focused on figuring my identity out and may act like my feelings are the most important thing in the room. My logic is internal. I draw conclusions by myself and then compare them to external facts to decide what’s true or not. Do I think about the future? Yes and No. I like to idealize the future, feeding my brain with possible scenarios that’d be fun if they became true. But my decisions are made based on what I’m feeling at the present. I don’t think “oh, this will fit perfectly with my 10 year life plan.” I’d rather go with the flow than planning for years ahead. I only make short term plans (a few days from now maybe). At my worst, I become a hypochondriac and a worrywart. I’m suddenly afraid that I won’t be able to “live” anymore if something bad happens to me. When I feel this way, I need to push myself outside and do things to keep me distracted. Stay at home dwelling and worrying may be tempting, but won’t do me any good.

Contradictory traits: I’m seen as the “responsible one” in my friend group, since I’m the one who usually reminds people things like “we should leave now, otherwise we’re gonna be late and x is counting on us”. I wouldn’t say that I like to control people, but sometimes I feel the need to push them to avoid problems. My family constantly mentions how much I’m alike my STJ father. Both of us are organized, methodical, realiable and a little bit too blunt with our words. My ENFP friend and I constantly discuss about my type and she doesn’t think I’m idealistic enough to have high Ne. She has these big and unchangeable goals ever since she was a teenager and she hates when other people come around to explain how “reality” works. Meanwhile, I’ve changed my mind dozens of times about my future, having tons of ideas I’ve never followed through. I also like to consider new povs, especially when the advice comes from people I respect. A little bit of realism won’t hurt, it’ll only mean that I’ll be prepared for what’s ahead.

You sound like an ENFP, yes. You give good arguments for Ne, Fi, weak Te, and nominal Si (not finishing things, abandoning them, changing your mind and dreams all the time, being blunt and fearful of stagnation). But... that your “ENFP” friend has had “big and unchangeable goals” since she was a teenager probably rules out Ne-dom for her. It sounds more like a judging type or Ni in her stack (NJ). Ne is as you describe it -- always changing, always pursuing what’s interesting in the moment, rarely sticking to one dream for your life, starting in on things and losing interest and abandoning them. You have the Ne, lol.

#question #enfp #mbti

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cryptic-paw · 4 months

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A Rambling

What is wrong with me?

The strain on my brain is starting to be unbearable

My life is one, sick, twisted game

I feel the longing and desire

I want to see blood, everywhere blood

PAINT THE WORLD RED

He would want it like that

I must make him proud to call me his Harley Quinn

They only see me smiling on the outside

What they don’t know is that I’m not always smiling on the inside

I cry black tears, but I bleed red blood

What am I?

A FREAK?

The voices keep telling me things

They fight with each other and with me

A big tug-of-war

I am she, she is me, she is also me, he is he, but she is not she and I am not he

My core feels like it’s gonna EXPLODE

Something is there that has not been there before but has existed there and hasn’t been back in quite a while

Hardly anyone understands this pain and SUFFERING

A string has been tied to my limbs

Most people don’t have “the potential”

How could they?

They’re 100% SANE

They can’t know the feeling of not knowing if one’s self is a pawn, that the weight of the air is TORTURE, that no matter how hard you bang against the white padded walls, you can’t escpe, especially when you realize your arms are in a fucking STRAITJACKET

So much a curse as it is a gift

Insanity is the only true clarity

What happens when two come together and the mentality of one is questioned by the other?

I mean this both ways

What if one was a bit overwhelmed or surprised by the extreme and compulsive obsessiveness of the other, and in that reaction, the other in turn was beginning to worry that she was the more psychotic?

What if she secretly hoped that HE would happen to be the more insane and unstable one?

What if she wanted to be shown up by more psychotic and hellish ideas than the ones she forms in her mind everyday?

What if, for a change, she could actually be UNDERSTOOD?

She only ever wanted to find her match, her perfect soul to share, her Mr. J

She knew he would be perfect in all his imperfections

There would be pain , would be hurt; she knew that

And within the abuse and psychosis and chaos that…

THAT’S where she finds love

This may seem to the sane a most bizarre method of finding their one and only

Then again, she isn’t exactly the definition of “normal” or “sane”

All she ever wanted was to find HIM

Love HIM

Share insanity with HIM

Learn from HIM

Spread chaos with HIM

But ultimately?

To have him be able to know, understand, and warp her thoughts

The sad fact?

She would let it happen

To butt out the auto-pilot and let him CONTROL

There’s no escaping what’s inside you

I learned that when I let IT take over

Not only is hell in my mind, it’s everywhere I go

Reality chooses to ignore it, but I know it’s there

It’s ALWAYS there, whether you choose to believe it or not

If you have IT, then you see it

That’s why so many people are oblivious, the sane ones

They’re disgusting

So stupidly ignorant and blinded to the fact that is staring right into their dumbass eyeballs!!!

And yet, they’ll never be able to know because their brains prevent it from happening

It makes it so much more satisfying to smash their skulls or pump their guts with lead

You see, IT chooses you before you’re even born

All you have to do is find it and ACCEPT IT INTO YOUR BEING

But when you think there must be someone, ANYONE, out there who’s just like you, you’re always brough back to

ISOLATION

As as it suggests, it gets...so...lonely

Sure, you’re separated from the rest of the world

The only true world is in your head

Reality is just a buncha fakers

But your mind is also separated

At first, it’s interesting, messing with your psyche...until it begins to TORTURE you

Especially when no one knows but you, it’s hard

REAL. FUCKING. HARD.

No one to turn to...THAT, my dear risky reader, is true hell

HELL HELL!!!

And there’s no escape

Not for anyone

Not even to your nearest loved one…

It hurts

I hurt

And they keep screaming at me from inside

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

#poem #poetry #dark #dark poem #insanity #insane #angst #existential

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crypticpawpoems · 4 months

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A Rambling

What is wrong with me?

The strain on my brain is starting to be unbearable

My life is one, sick, twisted game

I feel the longing and desire

I want to see blood, everywhere blood

PAINT THE WORLD RED

He would want it like that

I must make him proud to call me his Harley Quinn

They only see me smiling on the outside

What they don’t know is that I’m not always smiling on the inside

I cry black tears, but I bleed red blood

What am I?

A FREAK?

The voices keep telling me things

They fight with each other and with me

A big tug-of-war

I am she, she is me, she is also me, he is he, but she is not she and I am not he

My core feels like it’s gonna EXPLODE

Something is there that has not been there before but has existed there and hasn’t been back in quite a while

Hardly anyone understands this pain and SUFFERING

A string has been tied to my limbs

Most people don’t have “the potential”

How could they?

They’re 100% SANE

So much a curse as it is a gift

Insanity is the only true clarity

What happens when two come together and the mentality of one is questioned by the other?

I mean this both ways

What if she secretly hoped that HE would happen to be the more insane and unstable one?

What if she wanted to be shown up by more psychotic and hellish ideas than the ones she forms in her mind everyday?

What if, for a change, she could actually be UNDERSTOOD?

She only ever wanted to find her match, her perfect soul to share, her Mr. J

She knew he would be perfect in all his imperfections

There would be pain , would be hurt; she knew that

And within the abuse and psychosis and chaos that…

THAT’S where she finds love

This may seem to the sane a most bizarre method of finding their one and only

Then again, she isn’t exactly the definition of “normal” or “sane”

All she ever wanted was to find HIM

Love HIM

Share insanity with HIM

Learn from HIM

Spread chaos with HIM

But ultimately?

To have him be able to know, understand, and warp her thoughts

The sad fact?

She would let it happen

To butt out the auto-pilot and let him CONTROL

There’s no escaping what’s inside you

I learned that when I let IT take over

Not only is hell in my mind, it’s everywhere I go

Reality chooses to ignore it, but I know it’s there

It’s ALWAYS there, whether you choose to believe it or not

If you have IT, then you see it

That’s why so many people are oblivious, the sane ones

They’re disgusting

So stupidly ignorant and blinded to the fact that is staring right into their dumbass eyeballs!!!

And yet, they’ll never be able to know because their brains prevent it from happening

It makes it so much more satisfying to smash their skulls or pump their guts with lead

You see, IT chooses you before you’re even born

All you have to do is find it and ACCEPT IT INTO YOUR BEING

But when you think there must be someone, ANYONE, out there who’s just like you, you’re always brough back to

ISOLATION

As as it suggests, it gets...so...lonely

Sure, you’re separated from the rest of the world

The only true world is in your head

Reality is just a buncha fakers

But your mind is also separated

At first, it’s interesting, messing with your psyche...until it begins to TORTURE you

Especially when no one knows but you, it’s hard

REAL. FUCKING. HARD.

No one to turn to...THAT, my dear risky reader, is true hell

HELL HELL!!!

And there’s no escape

Not for anyone

Not even to your nearest loved one…

It hurts

I hurt

And they keep screaming at me from inside

HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

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#poem #poetry #crypticpaw #poets of tumblr #authors of tumblr #writers of tumblr #dark #original poem #dark poem #insane #insanity #madness #existential #angst

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decayingblorg · 2 years

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5/1/2023

Another day of not much happening! I mean I don’t go out alot anyway. (My friends are all mostly through XIV and they literally live at different corners in the UK). I only have one friend, Lauren. But even then she doesn’t live here but in a few towns over. But we are planning to have a game night at some point soon which is always a good laugh! We always find so much to talk about and we laugh and reminisce about the Hospital wards we’ve been in and how literally mental some of them are. Most of the staff area massive arseholes. Shout and yell at you for nothing, make you cry. Heck, I was attempting to try and hook a towel around the door and tie it around my neck. I sat on the floor crying and all I had was a member of staff (she had a fat arse and thought she looked good in leather trousers) shout at me and calling me stupid. Then proceeding to talk all my possessions away from me. Including blankets and covers. Had to sleep with my dressing gown over me. Now before people get confused, it was only a towel, they are a lot bigger than they look compared to my clothes which I wouldn’t be able to do shit with in such regards. Fucking crazy lesbian leather woman took it all (and a dressing gown is about the size of one of those towels and yet didn’t take that off me!?) anyway, going abit off topic. That should hopefully be happening soon with Lauren! I am excited whenever we meet and chat and laugh. Autism really helped us to just click. But yeah, she is lovely and caring and is doing so bloody amazing. She used to be in and out of hospitals for many years. But it seemed the last one she was in, we were both in infact and neither of us have gone back since. It’s good for me because I’d been in 3 times within the space of a year. But she’s been in so many and now she is at the point where she doesn’t need a mental health team behind her anymore and she is flourishing and it’s so amazing to see that happened. She’s done so well.

Not much else to say truth be told. Apart from the car! I said yesterday that they hadn’t been back that previous night. What happened was they came back again last night. And I know for a FACT they’re tied to the neighbour because when the neighbour parked his car he went and spoke to the person in said car who had their engine running. So there is a clear connection there, when I wasn’t too sure in the first place. But I’ve gotten more details about it, so will keep them close to me and see if anything else shifty happens. I am getting my deer stalker on!

And tomorrow, me and my mum are going to some families house tomorrow evening. They’re alright and I kinda do want to do, but I know for a fact I might say something I am gonna regret. Apparently I am a “bad influence” on their daughter (this was said when she was like 16) and all these years later I still haven’t stopped being annoyed by it. Is standing up for yourself, being your own person and encourage people to be themselves is a bad influence? Piss right off. If you don’t wanna raise your child that way, that is fine but you can’t merely call someone a “bad influence” if it’s nothing but positive? I am still the same person then as I was now (well, maybe not entirely. Mental health and hospital wards might have changed me a great deal) but my thoughts, feelings and truths are all exactly the same and I won’t ever be afraid to shy away from who I am, not anymore. I spent so long criticising myself and questioning myself constantly and after so much, I’ve finally found my place. I know who I am and I won’t ever stop being myself because someone else doesn’t like it. (Besides, I am a bad influence? What about all these shitty “reality stars” having such a big influence on the younger generation? Which are mostly fake, money hungry who always have to look a certain way. Why be boring and be someone like that? Nah, you don’t know what a bad influence is then. Not sure why after 14 years it still pisses me off.

Okay, away from that subject. Not much else to say really. Just been watching the EndWalker cutscenes in anticipation for the 10th! Beyond excited is an understatement! New story is always great because it’s always SO GOOD! A good year to be an FF fan for sure. VII Remake part 2, fan festivals for XIV, XVI release in the summer and the new Theatrhythm for switch! Beyond excited!

Mood was just the same as every other day. Just eh, not bad but not great either. But as always, I will take being in the middle than being to happy or to sad. That is my post for the night! Peace! ✌️

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diabolicalacid · 2 years

Note

this is going to be long….but i have to let this out my chest because i am going to combust just thinking about this:

if ms. self destructive is gonna end up mr. sakusa im going to screaaammm !! i don’t think it would be a wise decision if they decide to rekindle when their past barely even has a foundation. it was literally just a fling that happened in their teens, like it’s so petty!! who in their right mind would go to that extent just to have a “sloppy revenge?” also, made my blood boil when reading how she’s just shirking off her responsibilities and goes back to her “woe is me, i‘m the only one suffering in this world so all of you should have sympathy for me and be there for my every beck and call” attitude and mentality, e.g. when she went off in the gc for the first time without warning and put someone on the spot with personal details, when she doesn’t have an ounce of professionalism, passion nor dedication to her career (literally made me scream because the job market is very competitive and she’s just wasting it like she was born with a golden spoon in the mouth, hello!!), when she repeatedly never listens to her friends and blows them off, her constant mean and derogatory comments about reina (calling her a bitch and a wench…it did not ate as she wanted it, just made her pathetic honestly 🫤), and when she turned the situation around and basically told shoyo (non-verbatim) that her feelings were more important than “a bunch of games that’ll never lead up to the future/amount to anything” or something like that. the nerve of her to just say that to a person whose life revolves around volleyball!!! whose career is being an athlete!!! whose income would be determined by whether their team wins or loses!!! how dare she.

literally never hated a reader so much which is a double edged sword because i love when the roles in the story are reversed from the usual, like the character is the one hurting and the reader is the a-hole. your characterization and ability to make a character so insufferable, unlikeable, and hateable is amazing btw. i wouldn’t be surprised if kenma and kuroo leaves her in the dust. i wouldn’t be surprised when she just gets fired because behaving like that and not doing your job properly only because of your personal problems is a big no no in japan, and it will literally lessen your chances of getting rehired in another company once they do a background check on you and find out your incompetence.

the reason why im so fired up with boarding the hate train against reader is because this particular situation hits too close to home, because i know someone like this irl. well, knew, since both my friend who is involved with this particular incident, and me, cut off ties with the messy ex-friend. in this situation i was like kenma and kuroo in one. it was very emotionally exhausting and draining, and it’s really not worth it to save a friendship when you know they’re headed to crash and burn but they don’t want to change because of their singular goal. that, and having tunnel vision, only seeing what they want to see, the whole shebang. i don’t mind telling you the background story behind it, but idk if you want me to blow up and rant in your askbox though lmao.

to reader in the story, only thing i can say is: f*ck around and find out. 🥱 play stupid games, win stupid prizes 🥴

i appreciate the fact that you took your time to write this all down. like wow 😭 i’m really glad that you were able to cut ties with your messy friend and start clean. as for kuroo and kenma, they’re pretty used to yn. they shouldn’t be, but they are.

everyone will get their happy ending, but happy ending doesn’t mean yn and sakusa will end up conventionally. clearly they’re both very toxic in their own ways right now, so there’s a lot they need to work on.

and yn being rude to her friends, saying things she knows she’ll regret— that’s such an everyday thing, it’s truly sad. i hope she gets better, cuz sunshine sho didn’t deserve all that she said to him 🥹😭

#once more to see you #sakusa smau

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rainbowsylvie · 4 years

Text

LUNKY?!

#markiplier #hi I just woke up and saw it mentioned and W H A T #LIXIAN’S DEAD? LUNKY DID THAT?#THE CHANNEL ICON AND HEADER PIC IS JUST LUNKY NOW #the fact they’re both changed means something big’s gonna happen #I mean why else would all 3 editors change their Twitter descriptions #lixian’s says he’s dead and the other 2 say they’re working for lunky #if that doesn’t mean there’s gonna be something big I don’t know what will

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sutang-hoon · 2 years

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Same Anon here! And sure! It doesn’t have to be an idol reader if you feel like it’ll be bothersome, he could even be an employee at a rivalry company or something like that!

But if you keep with the idol route, the plot could be like they’re both at a music show / award show, and both of their groups are aiming to win Boy Group of the Year 👀 And when one of them wins, that would obviously cause the other to get super jealous and angry but those feelings would only be turned into sexual tension when the reader and heeseung see eachother backstage~~ LOL

rivals (with benefits) — lee heeseung x male!reader (m.)

PAIRING: lee heeseung x male!reader (he/him)

SUMMARY: it's awards season. the competition is high, and many boy groups were nominated for boy group of the year. and one of the groups were none other than enhypen. that's where lee heeseung is in, your rival, but is he really your rival? do you really hate each other? or is it all an act?

WARNINGS: dom!heeseung and sub!male reader, unprotected sex, name-calling, degrading, making out, semi public sex, blowjob (heeseung receiving), little heejay moment, slapping, dacryphilia, hair pulling, creampie, nasty, nasty sex

AUTHOR'S NOTE: this is probably the nastiest, eye rolling, sheet gripping, toe curling, dick throbbing fic i've ever made so far

"i can't believe i'll see that little shit again."

you roll your eyes, while your makeup is getting done. it's award season, and this time of the year is the most competitive, with hundreds of groups pitted against each other, with only one group to take home each award. award season. this means you'll see tons of groups, both backstage and general. of course, your rival, heeseung, will be here.

"i'm gonna see that fucker again."

heeseung sighs as he waits for his makeup artist to finish, staring at himself in the mirror. he flashes a smile, confident, since he looks stunning. when he's done and the makeup artists calls for the next member, he sits down on one of the big black couches. jay was seated next to him and heeseung scrolls mindlessly on his phone. he gets interrupted when jay call him with a "hey." heeseung hums, eyes slightly wide, turning to him. "yeah?"

jay scoots closer to heeseung and the space between them get smaller. heeseung freezes, and jay chuckles. "do you really hate him?"

heeseung eyebrows arch, confused. what was jay talking about? "who? him? my rival?"

jay nods.

"oh, i hate him. he's such a little shit, always making fun of me when we lose to them at music bank and whatever fucking music program." heeseung looks pissed as he rants on, but jay knows something.

he knows heeseung doesn't actually hate you.

jay laughs loudly, throwing his head back. heeseung looks at him with a puzzled expression. once jay's laughter dies down, he faces heeseung again, this time with a small smirk on his face. what a fucking weirdo. heeseung thinks.

"you're a comedian, heeseung."

"what the fuck do you mean by that?" heeseung asks him angrily. cute. jay thinks.

"now listen here, man." jay moves closer and heeseung fucking gulps - jay's face has completely changed. his face has a dark expression, eyes extremely ominous. heeseung feels out of breath, especially with how close jay's face is.

"i know for a goddamn fact that you don't hate him. matter of fact, you want to fuck him."

heeseung's eyes widen, and jay finds it cute. the latter exposed heeseung, and he feels nothing but satisfaction brimming in him. jay takes a hold of heeseung's chin, his lips parting slightly as watches heeseung frown and grit his teeth. heeseung admits that jay looks hot, and the moment is so fucking tense, he can physically feel himself start to sweat.

heeseung feels defeated. he sighs and closes his eyes. jay hums, genuinely suprised that heeseung didn't even try to defend himself. really, how would heeseung defend his faked hatred towards you when jay already knew what was happening between you two?

"fine. you win." jay lets go of heeseung's chin, and heeseung hangs his head low. surprisingly, jay isn't mad at all. he actually puts his hand on heeseung's shoulder reassuringly, to which heeseung looks at him.

"that's why, i'm here to help you." jay flashes a smile at heeseung.

"what? what do you mean?"

"you see-" jay gestures heeseung to scoot closer again, and he does, so jay continues.

"remember how, whenever the show ends..."

heeseung freezes as he has a moment of realization. jay gives him a look, he knows what heeseung is going to say, and heeseung smirks, jay is a fucking genius.

"we all get sent to our respective dresssing rooms?"

"exactly."

"which means, i can just call him, make him come to our room, and then you-know-what? you're a fucking genius, park."

jay laughs and heeseung does the same. the two men let their laughter die down before they share a fist bump. jay sits back and places his arms on the couch's head, watching the other members get their makeup done.

"oh and one more thing." jay speaks, still looking at the other members. "i'll be your wingman." he turns around to look at heeseung, clicking his tongue and winking at him. heeseung laughs and calls him amazing. heeseung then turns around - jay stares at him for a little while, gears turning in his head. he stops staring and looks at the other members.

heeseung smiles as he thinks about their plan. his cheeks color a slight pink when he realizes what he's about to do to you. he imagines the dirtiest stuff and realizes that he will do it in such a place like this. a public place. oh, it excites him.

you braced yourself as you headed towards the main seating area. it was going to be loud, for sure. you're in a rising group and have won several music show wins, topped the charts, had a lot of views on your music videos, and went viral.

as you walked towards your designated seats, the scream of the fans were defening. it wasn't all bad though, at least you and your group members have a solid fanbase. you sit down and notice that there were already a few groups who were seated already.

"hey, it's them." your member elbows you as you follow his eyes.

the screams of the fans wavered back again as enhypen walked towards the seating area. you look for a certain orange-haired guy, and you find him almost immediately. damn, he looks amazing. although you did remember you were rivals, so you had no reactions whatsoever.

oh god. he was coming closer. heeseung walks up the stairs. shit. is he seated next to your group, when the two parties are rivals? heeseung locks eyes with you, an annoying grin plastered on his face. you shoot him a dirty look as he walks closer. thankfully, the cameras probably won't see you two.

"may the best group win." heeseung says as he takes a seat next to you, although there was some space left behind. you stare at him and you forgot that you were his rival. whoever styled him needed a goddamn raise because of how stunning he looked.

"whatever, we'll win anyway." you huff out. heeseung just chuckles. he feels a nudge to his side, and it was jay. he smirks at you, and at heeseung. heeseung nudges him back. he doesn't want jay to catch your attention.

your attention was saved for later.

"jesus, how long has it been?"

it's been what, an hour and a half, and the awarding part of the show hasn't started yet. you silently agree with jay. you wanted to them to get it over with so you could go home. you wanted to be announced as the boy group of the year, take the award, thank the fans, and then leave.

you watch two people walk onto the stage. finally. let's get this over with. you thought. the couple announces the start of the awarding.

you drown out almost everything they said, but you didn't forget to clap and bow for the other groups, of course. but as time went on, your clapping got slower and sloppier. you were fucking tired.

"now, for the best boy group of the year..."

and suddenly, all your drowsiness disappears, and you're all ears. heeseung also snaps out of his trance, leaning forward to pay attention. the woman takes out a piece of paper from the envelope, reading the winner's name.

"enhypen!"

you were surprised. not mad, but you will admit that you felt a little jealousy. either way, you clapped enthusiastically for them. heeseung turns around and smirks at you before walking onto the stage with the other boys.

the fans were screaming and other groups were clapping. heeseung walks onto the stage with his members - the cameras followed all seven of them as they walked towards the microphone to deliver their speech.

they all stand and wave. heeseung grabs the microphone and starts his speech. well you'll be damned. did his voice get deeper? you were unsure, but either way, his voice was hot.

"finally! thank god!" you sigh a breath of relief. the award show was finally over, the fans were leaving the venue, and you were more than ready to head home and fall onto your soft, soft bed.

tons of groups were scattered throughout the hallway. some idols were even interacting with each other, whilst some were headed towards their rooms, ready to head home as well. in the crowd, you easily spot heeseung, who seems to be talking to jay.

"hey, motherfucker." heeseung watches you walk towards him, hands in his pocket. you cross your arms, giving him a stern look. he laughs, throwing his head back, his adam's apple bobbing. what the actual fuck.

"you guys go first. i'll be there later." you tell your group members, and they leave. you clicked your tongue at heeseung, who's staring at you strikingly, head leaned on the wall. jay stares at you as well, arm placed on heeseung's shoulder.

the three of you just stand there, and you sigh. "are you two just going to keep staring at me? speak up." heeseung stands straight. jay touches heeseung's back in a subtle way, heeseung nods at him, and jay proceeds to leave.

"you're just jealous we won. come on, wanna visit our dressing room?" you reply with a "whatever" and let heeseung lead the way. the hallway was still pretty crowded, so heeseung obviously keeps you by his side, how?

by snaking his arm around your waist.

you try your best not to react to heeseung's hold on your waist. the subtle movement of his fingers were electrifying, they were like little sparks. all that while heeseung looks forward, a serious but handsome look on his face.

suddenly, you didn't want to go home anymore.

you enter the dressing room and find it weird how jay is the only one inside. where are the others? heeseung closes the door behind you as you sit down on the couch. you didn't notice it, but heeseung shoots jay a look, who moves closer to the door.

"where is everyone else?" you ask heeseung, who sits directly in front of you. he has his legs wide open as he sits - it's as if he was inviting you to stare at his crotch. you take a quick peek and he is huge. heeseung seems to not notice.

"they're busy, and for the members, they're catching up with other idols." he replies, still sitting like that. "okay then." heeseung stands up and your eyes follow him. he stands in front of one of the tables and you see a golden object. it was their trophy for winning boy group of the year.

heeseung looks at you for any reaction, but you don't say anything. "i fucking get it. you guys won."

"you're jealous, aren't you?" heeseung asks nonchalantly.

"listen, i do not give a fuck if you guys won. what the hell do you want me to do, heeseung? throw you a party?"

heeseung glances at jay for a split second, who quietly opens the door, locks it and leaves. you don't notice that not when you're half-pissed at heeseung. heeseung starts to smile.

the plan is working.

"and- what, hello? lee heeseung? i'm fucking speaking here!" you stand up, now pissed.

"listen." heeseung's voice drops a few notes. it booms across the room. you were taken aback, and you gulp. as cliché as it sounds, heeseung slowly walks towards you. you take a few steps back. "heeseung, what are you doing?" you ask him while walking backwards.

shit. you hit the wall.

heeseung swiftly grabs your wrists, pinning them above your head. all the air gets knocked out of your lungs and you feel yourself shrink. heeseung towers over you and you can't help but think of how tall he really is. heeseung removes one hand, using his other hand to keep your wrists in place. are his hands that big? either way, your cheeks burn at the thought of how huge his hands were.

"what the fuck? let me go!" you thrash around, and heeseung laughs. it was no use, heeseung's grip on you was so strong, and you had no chance anyway. for a second, heeseung gently swipes his thumb on your cheek, it was so soft that you leaned into the touch.

heeseung then removes his hands. "wait what-"

a loud smack echoes across the room as heeseung slaps you in the face, hard. you whimper as you feel the prickling heat ripple across your face. heeseung laughs, and you feel your eyes shimmer with tears.

"pathetic little bitch." you audibly gasp at his words - you'd never expect him, lee heeseung, the one who is adored by fans, to be this mean. you quickly start to get hard. you never expected you actually like being degraded. heeseung just proved that just now.

"you're actually jealous, aren't you? you want to win so you won't be a burden to your fans who voted for you, streamed your songs and bought your albums, right?"

you hung your head in defeat and feel yourself start to cry. it was so fucking cruel of heeseung, but you loved it at the same time. heeseung laughs at you like a madman, forcefully grabbing your chin to look at him. he cooes once he sees your pathetic and teary-eyed face. "but don't worry, i can help you with that."

"h-"

heeseung grabs your chin and presses his lips against yours. he lets go of your wrists to hold your ass. you gasp, and heeseung takes that as an opportunity to enter your mouth. he sucks, slurps, and tastes you. the sound was disgustingly hot - you wrap your arms around heeseung's shoulders, breathing through your nose as you kiss him deeply. heeseung moves his leg and places it in between yours.

he starts rubbing his leg on your tent, and you whine in his mouth. your arms tighten and pull heeseung closer. both of your eyes were closed, eyebrows frowning, sweat forming on your temples, and corners of your mouth drooling. you feel yourself shaking when heeseung's leg rubs faster against your crotch.

you both pull back, watching a string of saliva form in between your lips. you wipe your lips and heeseung thought of something that makes him smirk. something nasty.

heeseung pushes you to the front and leans on the wall. "get on your fucking knees." you follow his order immediately, and his bulge was a feast for your eyes. "come on, do something baby. you can't just stay there." you nod and start shaking knowing what you're about to do.

your start palming heeseung through his pants and notice a wet patch leaking through the fabric before you start licking him through the fabric. heeseung's hands flies and takes a hold of your hair. his grip was painful, of course.

a hint of saltiness tickles your taste buds as you lick his pants one more time. "can i, daddy?" holy fucking shit. heeseung might go crazy. he nods, and you unzip his pants. you both watch as his cock bounces up and you moaned at how huge he was.

you wasted no time in pumping him. heeseung stutters a moan and rolls his head back, his neck on display, you wish you could leave hickies on him - you start pumping heeseung even faster, watching his pre-cum leaking from his tip. you lick the tip, and heeseung's legs start shaking, and he moans loudly. "oh, fuck, yes!"

you pull back, hesitant. how the hell are you going to take him when he's that big? heeseung clicks his tongue, and you stare up at him pathetically, like a lost puppy.

"aw, scared of my dick? remember, i'll have to fuck you later." those words just made you needier. harder. it was technically true, you have to get used to him. after all, you wouldn't want this night to pass without heeseung fucking you.

"psh, i'm not." you reluctantly move closer to his dick, staring at it for a few seconds. "come on you pathetic littl-" you grab him and take him into your mouth. heeseung was caught off guard, evident by the loud moan he emits and the pure pleasure on his face.

you start bobbing your head up and down, and you stare up at him. heeseung could cum from that alone. you moan frequently around heeseung, causing him to tighten his grip on your scalp. he knows he's not going to last long. you feel tears gather in your eyes again as you try not to gag.

"what a slut, sucking on my dick. what if someone walks in, huh? seeing you all hungry for my cock, isn't that embarassing?" heeseung says in between breaths and he tries his best to make his words clear, but it's hard, knowing the number of sensations he's being given right now.

you moan at the response, your cheeks are literally burning from his words. you grab his balls and play with them. you're drooling and the sounds you were making while sucking him off were disgusting, but hot. heeseung feels like he's about to explode in your mouth, his toned stomach clenched.

"baby, i'm close. i, fuck! want you to swallow all of it, okay?" heeseung starts shaking even more.

his hair is messy, some of it even sticking to his forehead, which was covered in sweat. his cheeks were burning too, some drool was evident on the corner of his mouth, and he remembers he still has his formal attire on, which was sticking to skin, slick with sweat.

heeseung moans beautifully as he cums in your mouth. he was overwhelmed, trembling from his orgasm. his orgasm was so intense that he saw black for a few seconds and his legs were about give in any moment. you moan as you start tasting heeseung's cum, your mouth starting to fill up, heeseung came a lot.

heeseung takes a moment to recover before pulling you off his dick. "say ah." heeseung leans down and tilts your head up, and you show him his liquid inside your mouth. "and... swallow." you swallowed, tingly because of the salty taste of him. "good boy."

you stand up, and heeseung pulls you into a kiss again. the both of you tumble and fall onto the couch, and you continue kissing each other deeply. heeseung then shuffles down and covers your neck in kisses, which tickles and makes you shiver. heeseung emits small breaths and moans from time to time.

"h-heeseung." heeseung bites your neck with some force, and you hiss from the pain. he was so aggressive, letting out his pent-up emotions and need for you. heeseung moves up and places his lips next to your ear, growling.

"turn around for me and slide your pants off." you did as he told, positioning yourself. you grab a pillow and hold onto it while unzipping your pants and letting them pool around your ankles. "so fucking beautiful." heeseung then proceeds to rip your boxers off, and you find yourself yelping at that.

heeseung massages the skin of your ass while watching your rock-hard dick twitch. you brace yourself and heeseung finds it cute how you'd let him do anything to you.

you cry out as heeseung gives your ass a hard slap, crying out into the pillow. heeseung massages the now flushed skin before slapping it twice, then thrice. you were a crying mess at this point - heeseung moves back to admire his work, your ass red and hot.

heeseung couldn't wait any longer, rubbing his huge cock against your hole, and you clench in response. he slowly pushes the head in and the two of you share a moan. he enters you fully before wrapping his arms around your torso, head resting on your back.

"goddamn, you're tight. that needy for me, huh? my slutty boy, my rival?"

"i could say the same to you, desperate to fuck your rival you definitely hate."

the two of you laugh together and heeseung lets go of you and digs his nails into your waist, and you were sure there'd be some marks. heeseung slowly pulls out until his head was almost out of your hole. three, two, one. heeseung sends his hips forward, which launches you forward, and you scream into the pillow. "yes! oh fuck!"

heeseung had to bring one of his hands to his mouth to keep himself quiet. he watches himself disappear inside you, your ass bouncing from the force of his thrusts. you were shaking so much and your body temperature was unbelievably high, and you forgot that you still had your attire on, which was sticking onto your skin due to your sweat. it was uncomfortable, but you barely noticed, heeseung was fucking you into oblivion. you were both in heaven.

heeseung tugs on your scalp and pulls your hair. he pulled it with so much force, you slip a cry between your moans, and you thought heeseung was going to break your fucking neck. the room quickly gets filled with the sound of skin on skin and your desperate cries and breaths for each other.

you try your best to turn around to look at heeseung, who stares at you, eyes-half lidded.

"goddamn, you're so good for me, so needy for me." heeseung moans loudly.

you stare at each other needily, before sharing another deep kiss. your chin is covered with tears, sweat and saliva. it was so sinful but it was so hot.

"oh my god! yes!" you scream and shove your face into the pillow when heeseung repeatedly taps your protate. "fuck, fuck, heeseung! it feels so good!" heeseung starts plowing into you, your cries for him fueling his eagerness to make you cum. "come on baby boy, cum for me. show me how much you love my cock."

both of your moans and cries of pleasure rise in pitch and you feel your dick start to tremble. heeseung knows he won't last any longer, he wraps his arms around your torso again and rests his head on your back. he finally got to fuck you after all those stolen glances at you, all those nights jacking off, imagining himself fucking you. he can't believe this is real.

"c'mon baby, fucking cum for me like the good boy you are." heeseung clenches his teeth and jaw and his neck veins start to decorate his neck. heeseung is fucking drenched in sweat, his hair all over the place, some drool on the side of his mouth, but he doesn't fucking care.

you scream your lungs out as you cum. you literally felt your pelvic muscles contract from how hard you came. you cum directly on the couch - heeseung lets out the prettiest cry of pleasure as he cums into you. the two of you just stay there, out of breath.

with his remaining strength, heeseung pulls out and watches his cum flow out of your pink hole. he closes his eyes as his tongue takes a taste of his cum and your hole.

"heeseung! n-not there!" he doesn't listen as he slurps and plays with your hole. you tasted amazing, and heeseung gives you a taste, sharing yet another deep kiss with you, and you swirl the juices in your mouth before swallowing them.

"are we still rivals?" heeseung asks as he sits down on the couch, exhausted. you sit down next to him and kiss him on the lips for one last time before grabbing a pile of tissues to clean up.

"yeah, with benefits."

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