#the films loved to show triggering shit in the open while parents forced you to watch it and 'learn a lesson' like.

[jorjin]

Just remembered the era of paranoia fueled movies about "the dangers of internet strangers" and goddddddddd

[popculturebuffet]

Final Space Season 3 Reviews: The Ventrexian

Hello all you happy people and welcome back to my reviews of Final Space! This week was a damn good one but before I get into that I have a bit to get off my chest first. I’ve been struggling a bit covering the show. I’m not going to stop, I decided against that, but I felt opening up about it might help a bit. 

I chalk it up to a number of things. The first is that the show went back to Season 1′s style of storytelling. To compare season 1 was basically one long, four hour film. There were plots within the episodes but it was one complete story. Season 2 was also one complete story, but had a more relaxed pace to it, with the episodes feeling more like indvidual bits of media and less part of one big operatic season long story. Neither approach is bad but so far the shows i’ve covered, both on a week to week basis and indvidually for varoius reasons, have taken the approach season 2 did, more episodic adventures with the plot still moving right along. And with Season 2 being you know, the second season, I didn’t expect the show to return to Season 1′s storytelling, if with some embeleshments from season 2 like the cold opens that really help it flow better, so I was caught off guard. 

The second is that I hadn’t reviewed a “new” show week to week in some time and thus forgot their was an adjustment period, and combinging that with the fact Sunday used to be a catchup day or a break with reviews before Final Space started, I was caught off guard and thus struggled a bit. I seriously considered ending these reviews.. but eventually realized why I did, that I had more to say and I don’t HAVE to be as in depth with the recap portion of the review every single time. A review should be as long or short as it needs to be. Not TOO short mind, but I don’t have to provide a detailed synopsis when you can usually , by the time I get this show’s ones out anyway, see the episode yourself or go to the wiki. 

TLDR: Reviewing this show has been a bit of a learning experince, and a re-learning experince but I realized I shoudln’t give up because it’s hard, and if I did that EVERY TIME that became a problem, I wouldn’t of lasted a full year of reviews. So join me under the cut as we dive deep into Avacato’s past, Gary and Quinn’s intamcy issues and cosmic god swordfights. 

As it’s been our heroes are mostly seperated into their own plots, same lineups as last time, though this time Bollo and Gary’s plots come together at the very end. And I will say before I get into each one while this isn’t a bad storytelling engine, and Final Space has used it well in the past... I REALLY miss the interaction between the characters. It’s something the show got REALLY good at in season 2. The friction caused by Gary and Clarence jockying for control, Ash’s weird sorta relatoinship with LIttle Cato that I miss as I still lowkey ship those two, Fox and LIttle Cato slowly growing from enimies due to their respective race’s centuries long war to friends, Nightfall having to deal with the fact our Gary isn’t hers, HUE’s relationship with AVA, EVERYONE hating KVN.. there was just a LOT of good stuff int here that I miss. I get why it’s gone, the stakes are really high right now and we still have gotten some of it like the whole Feel Me sequence.. I just hope we get some more back as we go , especially since Ash and Fox, whose unique deisgns got me to catch up with the series for season 2 in the first place and whose personalites made them instantly adopted children of mine, have been pushed to the side during these first three episodes and hopefully we’ll get a bit more soon. It’s just something I hope we get back as we go, especially with two new members joining the Team Squad this week for the old guard to bounce off of. And tha’ts not even getting into the fact there’s a lot to unpack for Gary with his mom trying to be a good mom after decades of bullshit. But we’ll see, I can’t predict the future. I can break down this episode soooo.

Team Avacato: Butcher

This part was easily the highlight of the episode. To start us off the episode begins by flashing us back to when Invictus grabbed a seemingly dead Lord Commander last season. Turns out he wasn’t QUITE as dead as Nightfall thought. We also find out that LC.. has no idea who Invictus is. This tracks when I think about it:  He had, and still has, a worshipful reverence for the titans, wanting to become one and gain the power of a god and clearly thought they were at the top of the food chain. If he knew someone else was behind it.. he would’ve brought them up sooner, especially since he has a love of giving manical speeches where he hot dogs and grandstands for a bit before choking someone to death. He was also suprised the titans just ignored him. 

But now he knows.. but even when confronted with a horrifying demonic entity who just swiped him from near death, he’s still as egosticial and cold as ever. But invictus has a tempting offer: They can give Lord Commander what he wanted: they can MAKE HIM A TITAN. We don’t know if htis is true or not of course, but given the sheer scale of invictus power and the fact they’ve had an army of titans under their thrall for centuries, if anyone can do it they can. 

All invictus wants in return.. is Mooncake. I do love Lord Commander’s “Oh for fuck’s sake’ reaction to finding out he has to seek him out again. His tone just screams...

Invictus needs our little buddy though: Turns out, ironically enough given Bolo’s situation until the end of last season, Invictus is imprisoned and needs Mooncake’s power to break the seal. And given the sheer power this thing has displayed WITHOUT being at full....

Yeah it’s not great. Invictus restores Lord Commander to normal.. and as seen last episode and confirmed here, his powers are no longer destroying his body to use, so the one thing keeping him from killing them all and ending the show in 5 minutes is now off the table. 

So with our heroes all nights of wundagory, Lord Commander zeroes in on the Catos. Which makes a ton of sense: He dosen’t KNOW Ash, Fox or Sheryl. At all. Lord Commander isn’t just a bastard he’s a SADISTIC bastard. While he could work on the rest of them it’s just no fun for him as he can’t add a personal touch. You can see how much he enjoys this, he never avoids this, because buddy he’s a diffrent breed, this is his calling, and though i’ts applaing, he loves making people bleed... emotionally and physically. 

So our own personal antichrist spends the episode forcing Avacato’s backstory out of him. Sure he could just tell it himself but as I said via refrence .. he ENJOYS this.

While we got part of Avacato’s backstory in season 1, he worked for lord comander, did the worst shit imaginable, knows he’ll never be able to ballance those books, and the one line he ended up drawing was his son, who LC decided to use as a barganing chip. that was towards the END of his life as Lord Commander’s right hand monster. This is his origin.  After loosing his first son, Avacato, a loyal solider of the ventrixian army, kept fighting despite having nothing left to fight for. What happened to his first son and all that we don’t know yet.. but he was just left a souless killing machine fighting a war that had been going on so long his people forgot it, the same one brought up last season. Yeah Fox and LIttle Cato’s fued comes off a bit more horrifying in hindsight. 

So one day he was outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered and outplanned... when Lord Commander showed up, murdered EVERYONE in the opossing armor and asked them all to kneel, with Avacato taking his time. Later that day Avacato apporached the Lord Commander... who saw right through him. He was a warrior, but the war he was fighting was hollow.. he was a butcher, a murderer with no real purpose or direction... and Lord Commander was all too happy to offer him one, bettering the universe and all that crap.. though how much he belivies it remains to be scene. I must say David Tennat is at his peak this episode, giving his best performance as the green asshole yet, full of gravitas and cruelty as you’d expect and showing WHY people followed him: He gave the purposeless purpose and easily could talk people into following him. Looking back Superior Stone probably GENUINELY belivied that he was doing something good. Lord Commander’s just that good at his job. 

So he just had one favor to ask, kill the king and queen who Avacato had served loyally and he’ll give him something real to fight for. And he did so. Naturally LIttle Cato is horrified and Ash TRIES to help sooothe his concisne pointing out his mind was twisted up and all that.. but Avacato solemly notes “I’m the one who pulled the trigger”. Ash means well.. but Avacato knows the truth: what he did there was horrid: a horrible betryal of two people just to feel something. No matter how much good he’s done since or how much he’s changed... Avacato knows what he did was horrible and no matter how hard he tries that ledger can’t be ballanced. He does good.. but it’s because it’s the right thing, not because he ever belivies he can be forgiven or work past what he’s done. And the show dosen’t make the case that he should or answer the hard questions.. it just leaves it there and given Olan’s outright said this arc is going to span seasons, if hopefully we get more mind you, I feel it’s going to be a long road to exploring that. 

And.. one other thing about the incident. As it turns out, and as Avacato left out of the story, and Lord Commander likely let him both because he’s out of intergation time and because he can use that later: Avacato was the son of the king and queen. Avacato murdered his parents, and then adopted him, even if Lord COmmander wasn’t happy about it. And now he’s stuck holding onto something THIS bad knowing it’ll destroy his son and their relationship when it comes out.. and that’s the problem. It’s not an if.. it’s a WHEN. Also everyone’s being dragged towards invictus. Uh-oh. 

Team Gary and Bollo: YAY BISKITS BACK... I think Yay still deciding Meanwhile on the DragonHawk 5, i’m going with Gary’s Name because as much as Quinn’s growing on me the galaxy 2 is an objectiely lazy name, but Gary picks out a room for them.. only for Quinn to suggest seperate rooms and Gary to clearly and understandably be bothered by it. This is a mixed bag. On the one hand I feel for him as he spent months trying to save quinn, she’s only doing this because she’s hiding something horrible from him, as we find out the infection we saw in the first episode has spread through her body, and he just wants to be with her. But on the other hand.. they’ve dated what.. a month and a day? It’s a bit much. The only reason this works is that that part isn’t really dwelt o and the actings good.. it just takes me out of it at times when my brain reminds me of this, and it’s something the show REALLY needs to explore at some point instead of just treating Gary and Quinn as JUST some shakesperian romance across all time.. I mean it is, but it’s also an awkard but loveable dork and a stralighaced woman whose been through hell who both really need to know one another bette.r 

So naturally this conflict dangles over them, but they have bigger issues: i.e. a new crew member! As mentioned Biskit is back, having snuck aboard and being entirely deranged. I don’t know what to make of him yet as while he was adorable last time this time his entire attuide is essentally 

No really he asks why they aren’t banging and interupts gary ALMOST getting Quinn to open up. But unlike say Tribore, it’s clear BIskt isn’t all there, and clearly has no frame of refrence for how creepy he’s being, so i’m willing to see how it plays out. 

So our heroes arrive at Bollo. Bollo spent the episode hunting down Orekis.. he’s sitll bitter about the whole stealing his girlfriend and giving her an std thing. Just a tad. So we get a truly EPIC battle including the two throwing each other THROUGH planets and one really cool bit where Bolo slides on the ring of a planet. So fucking awesome. Eventually he wins, though he now has an infection of some sort, that can’t be good, and Mooncake headblasts him.

Things aren’t great though as Gary isn’t happy when he finds out Bolo lied about his and quinn’s deaths to use Mooncake, with Bolo admitting he got clouded by revenge. But it’s clear theirs a divide in goals: Gary just wants to get the hell out and Bolo wants to stop invictus. And.. neither are wrong. Gary is understandable: He didn’t want any part of this shit to begin with, only going with the key quest to save Quinn. All going to final space has done and dealing with it in general has done has cost him people: Avacato (He got better but stillc ounts), Nightfall.. and his dad. It’s understandable that after ALL of this he just wants to find his surrogate family and LEAVE. 

But Bolo.. is right. his methods aren’t great and he needs to be more honest with Gary... but Invictus isn’t going to go away magically if Gary ignores him. He’s not Tucker Carlson. He’s right to go after him and ther’es no easy answer here. As we’ve seen iwth Quinn staying in final space fucks you up.. but if Gary dosen’t all of space my die.. or worse. It’s a decision he’s going to have to face soon: his family.. or everything. 

Final Thoughts: This episode is truly excellent. After a rough start to the season and a decent episode last time this episode is just out and out brilliant, filling in some more blanks with Avacato and progressing things at a nice clip. Really great stuff. Hopefully this pace continues. Until next week join my patreon, follow this space for more and see you at the next rainbow. 

PS: I forgot to mention Cookie Robot.. as ther’es now a cookie robot. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #403

“ashes to ashes, watch me disappear”

If given the opportunity, would you like to star in a musical? Definitely not. I don't like musicals. Name one person you’d take a bullet for: There's honestly a lot, but Mom immediately came to mind. Any posters of a band on your bedroom wall? Yeah: Metallica and Marilyn Manson currently. I want lots more, especially an Ozzy one. Do you think you’ve already met your soulmate? I don't believe in soulmates. Do you share your bedroom with anyone? No, unless you include my cat and snake. Is your favorite color yellow? No, it's actually one of my least favorites. Were you born in a hospital? I was. Do you know the name of the person that delivered you? No, but Mom does. I think he delivered me and my two sisters, and I know Mom has seen him since for other reasons. Was your birth recorded? God no. Good call, Mom. Did you eat a peach this week? Would you believe me if I told you I had a small bit of peach pie for my sister's birthday? For some reason, I just really wanted to try some. It was okay, but the aftertaste sucked. Are you leaving the house tomorrow? Yes, for TMS therapy. Every weekday. Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche? I honestly do. If you could get free vocal lessons would you take them? Probably not. I don't like singing in front of anyone, and it's not like I wanna get anywhere with my singing, so. Is your mother diabetic? She is. Are you? No. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. Who do you stalk the most through Facebook? Nobody. Have you ever deleted your Facebook, then brought it back? No. What is your main responsibility each day? Be sure to take my medications. Do you feel like you fulfill those responsibilities? Yeah. There are rare mornings where I forget, but I almost always remember. I don't fw skipping out on meds that keep my mental health stable. When was the last time you used spray paint? Good question. Do you know the middle name of the last person you kissed? Yep. Who is the friendliest person you know? My mom, probably. Something that annoys you about summer: THE HEAT. THE HUMIDITY. UGH. Something that annoys you about winter: Hm. That's hard to say, given I love winter. I guess the fact it doesn't snow enough here. Are the doors of your fridge side by side or on top of one another? Side-by-side. If you’ve moved out of the house you were born in, do you know the people who live in that house now? Nope. Have you ever cried in a movie theater? Not sobbed or anything, but I've definitely teared up and gotten the sniffles because of multiple movies. Do you read comic books? No. Do you force your way into conversations in which you are not involved? No. Have you ever seriously pretended to be clinically insane? I didn't need to pretend; I'm pretty damn sure I was for a while. Might I add that it's EXTREMELY inconsiderate to pretend you're insane, btw. Insanity is not "cool." It's not "funny." It's not "edgy." It's a serious, confusing, heart-wrenching issue that can ruin lives. Do you know anyone with a stutter? Yes, myself included when I'm even mildly nervous. And sometimes just randomly. With a lisp? I don't believe so. What was the last board game you played? The Disney version of "Pretty Pretty Princess" w/ my niece and even my nephew, even though his sexist-ass dad didn't want him to. Like let your kid have some fun with his sister and aunt, goddamn. They had a blast. It was Aubree's birthday present from me, so I am SO glad she loved it. Did you win? Ha ha, no, I always let Aubree or Ryder win. I came super close once, but I let the kids bend the rules a bit. They don't like losing, and even though they definitely need to understand that just happens and is totally fine for it to, I wasn't about to be the one to make them sad about it. When was the last time you tried to speak with an accent? OH MY LAAAAAWWWWWWD. Also at Aubree's b-day party, at one point, I spoke in a snobbish British accent while I was winning at the aforementioned game. Ryder asked, "Why are you speaking Spanish?", and I fuckin DIED. Have you ever made up a word before? Yeah, I know at least a few instances for fantasy animals in writing. When was the last time you went to a museum? A couple summers ago when my brother and his son visited, we went to a science museum. My nephew was sooooo into it. Do you have a nice yard? If so, do you spend a lot of time outside in it? If not, where do you go when you want to relax outdoors on nice days? Our front and back yards are both small and honestly very boring. The grass is a pretty green, but that's the only nice thing about it. I don't go to sit outside here on any day. Do your parents enjoy any of the things that you enjoy? Do you bond over these things? My parents and I have very similar music tastes, so there's that. I also didn't know for the longest time that Mom likes to write, which I sure as hell do, too! She doesn't really write anymore though, and she's self-conscious of it anyway, like I am. She and I also love a lot of the same shows. What is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating? I think The Incredibles 2. I aaaalways wanted to know what happened after the end of the first film. Do you have any ideas for a story or movie you’re planning to write or you’d write if you had the time/had the talent? Please share a synopsis! I genuinely think some RP I've written is series-worthy, but I don't feel like re-writing the YEARS of RP into a book format, and I sincerely worry that the ridiculously dark parts could inspire people like serial killers and cause A LOT of controversy, crime-blaming, and just general hate. I don't want to be involved in that. What is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “That book you’re reading is from my favorite author”)? Compliment my Markiplier tattoo, obviously knowing it's a tribute to him, and we're essentially besties. Is there a person in your life (maybe barely) that you feel in constant competition with (even just in your imagination)? Maybe you feel they are consistently outshining you? Ugh... there's a local photographer that's much more successful than I am that I admittedly am very envious of. I swear to whatever god you may believe in that I mean it from a modest perspective, I really, really do, but I genuinely think my skills surpasses hers, and she's only more prevalent because photography REALLY is about who you know. She's talented, yes, but like... come on. If you are single, even if you are normally happily single, are there certain specific things you witness that make you wish you were in a relationship (e.g., people getting engaged)? I mean yeah. I miss cuddling, holding hands, kissing, just being cute together, and especially people getting engaged or having kids. It's such a trigger to me. Once upon a time, that's all I wanted with Jason. I wanted to be that beautiful couple that got married and had two or three loved-beyond-words children, but then he left so abruptly, and I feel like it was so brutally robbed from me. I don't want kids anymore like at all, but the point still stands that I felt like my dreams were just ripped away. Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site? I use "Ozzkat" just about everywhere. Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)? OHHHHHHHHHH YEAH. There have been a couple days or so where I was totally glued to looking up various tattoo designs, bingeing let's plays or conspiracy theory videos, etc. etc. If you ever think about getting married, what are some aspects of the wedding that you would like to see in a non-traditional manner (e.g., a different color dress or “partners” over “husband” and “wife”)? I WILL NOT get married in a church, first of all. I'm also not having the traditional vows, and I probably won't wear a white dress, but instead black. Salt & vinegar, barbecue, sour cream & onion, or cheddar? Ohhhh, I like all those options but barbecue. I think I've gotta go with sour cream & onion, though. Bow ties on guys, dorky or adorable? A D O R A B L E ! ! ! I think they're ordinarily geeky, but I mean, geeky is cute in my world. :^) Do you believe in demonic possession? How about ghosts? Angels? Angels, no. Spirits/ghosts, 100%. I don't exactly believe in demons, per se, but I do question if evil spirits can possess someone. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once? I've seen The Notebook numerous times. Name three countries you want to visit; why those three? South Africa to interact with meerkats at the KMP, somewhere up in Canada to see the Northern Lights, and Germany just because, really. I took German for four semesters, and the culture and all just interests me. Do you have a good luck charm? No, considering I don't believe they do jack. Do you use Skype to talk to your friends? Only Sara. Now that I have Discord semi-figured out now though, we'll probably use that for voice chatting. Are you allergic to any animals? I might be allergic to dogs. Do you usually spend your weekends out, or at home? I'm like... always at home. Do you think it’s wrong for people to say "retard/retarded" as an insult? Absofuckinglutely. Don't pull that shit when I'm around. Have you ever had to go to the police department? No. Have you ever lived through a hurricane? Plenty. Have you ever had a home-grown tomato? Yes, from my old friend's garden. We'd have delicious tomato, mayo, and bacon sandwiches. The only instance where I've enjoyed tomatoes. Have you ever held a real gun? The former friend I mentioned just before, her husband always carried a gun, and he just needed me to hold it for a sec for some reason I don't recall. I hated the feeling. Would you rather wear Converse or Vans? I like both, but I think I prefer Converse. Have you ever been called bipolar? Yes, because I clinically am. Have you ever made fun of a handicapped person? FUCK no. And like the "retarded" thing, don't you fucking DARE to do this in front of me. I WILL deck the shit out of you. Do you think it’s okay to have sex before marriage? Sure, as long as you're being safe and are very thorough in communication. Do you like to watch old sitcoms? I don't really watch TV as I say in like every survey it seems, but I do enjoy some old sitcoms I grew up watching with my mom, like The Nanny, The Golden Girls, The Munsters, etc. If asked, could you run a mile nonstop right now? Being completely serious, I don't even know if I CAN physically run right now. My legs are so incredibly weak, and I'm humiliatingly close to what my heaviest weight was back in 2016, so I can almost guarantee my knees would crumple if I tried. Do you wear those rubber wristbands? I used to. I don't really like bracelets nowadays. If a necklace/ring gives you green marks, do you still wear it? Nope. Have you ever driven an electric car? No. When was the last time you saw someone you went to high school with? Uhhhh idk. What breed was the last dog you saw? A fucking GOLIATH of a lab. I shit you not when I say my sister's roommate's dog Hudson is the size of a goddamn bear. How long have your parents been together (or how long were they together, if they no longer are): I wanna say they were together at the very least 20 years. What has been your most epic cooking failure? I once accidentally put something (I don't remember what) in the microwave for around 45 minutes I believe, and I walked away and completely forgot about it. I remembered a long while later, and safe to say, it wasn't edible, whatever it was, lmao. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have you ever had a parrot sit on your shoulder? No, but that'd be cool. Has anyone in your life ever treated you abusively? No. How long has it been since your last breakup? Somewhere around two years ago? My memory is so garbage nowadays. Can you concentrate well while listening to music, or do you find it distracting? It's distracting, usually. What’s something you’ve been struggling with lately? I've been pretty bad about drinking too much soda lately. :/

[shesclearlya3]

Grow As We Go

pairing: Xavier Plympton x Reader

word count: 3,538

warnings: au! in present time, mentions of drug use, overdose, angst, fluffy at times, no camp rw

disclaimer: i am in no way shape or form using the topic of addiction lightly or willingly romanticizing it. the use of heroin is a major problem in my state and my family has personally been affected by it. i lost family to this horrible epidemic and this has been a coping mechanism for me as i was too young to understand the gravity of the situation my family was under at the time it happened seven years ago. i also am not tagging due to possible triggers. 

*not entirely proof-read* *inspired by Ben Platt’s song*

You sat on the couch in your shared apartment, waiting for your boyfriend, Xavier, to come home.

It was a Friday night, and like most Friday's, you were supposed to watch movies with him and eat a ridiculous amount of takeout. You had rushed home from work, taking a shower and making sure you shaved your legs for specific events you knew would be happening later that night.

A box of pizza sat on the coffee table, now growing cold. Everything was set up, the television on Netflix, multiple blankets piled up next to you, and you wearing your soft pajamas and fuzzy socks. Xavier was supposed to be home from work nearly two hours ago. He had finally landed a small role on a beloved show, and his excitement about it was the cutest thing you'd ever seen. An eight-hour shoot soon turned into ten.

At least that's what you hoped.

You had sent him a ridiculous amount of texts and voicemails, your voice growing more and more concerned with each one. You went as far as to text your mutual friends, Montana, Brooke, Ray, and Chet, to see if they had heard from them. Nobody had heard anything, but the girls assured you they'd try and contact him in some way.

This wasn't like him, not showing up and ignoring your messages, you thought as you turned off the random episode of your favorite show you started playing. The characters made you feel less lonely. You stood up, slowly pacing the room as you debated on what to do.

Is it too early to file a missing person's report?

"Don't be stupid, y/n," you grumbled to yourself. "Xavier said he can't have his phone while filming."

Another hour had passed by. You had put the untouched pizza in the refrigerator, before going into your bedroom and taking one of Xavier's jackets. You slipped it on, inhaling his scent and feeling more at ease.

Your thoughts only became darker as the time ticked by. You lived in Los Angeles, anything could have happened if he wasn't at work. You had no idea how to call a studio and ask for an actor; for all they knew, you could be a creepy stalker. Your hands were shaking as you stuffed them into the pockets.

One thing that always lingered in the back of your mind was Xavier's past.

When you met him, it was just out of high school. Montana was your best friend for years, and she introduced the two of you just weeks after graduation. They had a little fling, nothing too serious. He was older than you by a year, and you instantly took a liking to him.

The first few times you had hung out, you never thought you'd one day become Xavier's girlfriend. First, it would be against girl code. Second, even though he was with Montana for a short period, he had the mindset of being unable to be tied down.

However, it didn't take long for you to uncover the truth.

Xavier Plympton was a softie hiding behind a facade. He always claimed he didn't need a girlfriend, and all he needed and could rely on was nobody other than himself. His arrogant demeanor attracted girls for the wrong reasons. If they wanted a true rebellious bad boy, they wouldn't find it with Xavier.

Just months after Montana moved on with a guy named Trevor, Xavier had shown up at your doorstep. One of the few times it actually rained in Los Angeles, his car had broken down, and you were the closest apartment to him. His blond hair was matted to his forehead as he smiled at you sheepishly.

"Xavier?" You frowned, pulling your blanket from your shoulders to pull him into your apartment. "Why are you soaking wet?"

"My fucking car broke down, and I got cold," he pouted as you locked the door. "I called for help, and the storm has them backed up, it's like a hurricane out there."

"You need to get out of those clothes, Xavier," you said as you led him to your small bathroom. "How long did they say?"

"I don't know, just a few hours?" Xavier shrugged.

"Why didn't you call me? I would have picked you up."

"Yeah..." Xavier grimaced, pulling his cracked iPhone out of his pocket. "I had another little accident."

You huffed a laugh, grabbing a clean towel and setting it on the counter. "What did you do?"

"I tripped and fell, it landed in a puddle, and now it won't turn on, this piece of shit," Xavier mumbled.

"Take a shower, I'll wash your clothes. When you're done, you still have clothes here from the last time you invaded my home." You joked, averting your eyes as Xavier slipped off his drenched shirt.

"I was drunk, and friends don't let friends drive drunk, y/n," he smirked at you. He had already started unbuttoning his expensive jeans when you slammed the door in his face.

When he was done, he came out and lounged with you on the couch. The same one that was now in your new apartment. You forced him to watch Heathers and yelled at him whenever he put his cold feet against your warm body.

Xavier used your phone to call about his car, and they said he'd have to come to look at it in the morning. He smiled at you as you rolled your eyes, granting him permission to sleepover, and you'd drop him off. This is what started your movie marathon traditions. And it's when Xavier kissed you for the first time.

Ever since then, it was like a poorly written romance novel.

You started dating after Montana assured you she wouldn't hate your guts. At the time, Xavier was taking acting classes, making money on the side doing mediocre jobs. You were just months short of getting your degree, and your current job as your primary source of income when you eventually moved in together.

Xavier slowly booked more and more roles over the years. He refused all commercial gigs until his agent eventually stopped offering them. Xavier was proud of his work and spent many nights holding you and telling you when he wins his first Oscar, you better be in the audience so he can show the world what keeps him grounded in life outside of the screen.

Xavier was arrogant about his fame to outsiders. In his inner circle, however, he knew that one day he would blow up. You believed in him, you loved and adored him, and all his accomplishments so far.

Those were the good times.

One thing that Xavier was never open about to anyone besides you was his history with drugs.

Montana had known he was a user when they met. The story was that his parents sent him to rehab after finding needles and a bag of heroin in his room.

But that's all it was, a story.

You remember the night perfectly. You were forced to work over as someone bailed on their shift, and like tonight, you texted Xavier and told him you'd be late, just to get no answer.

When you arrived, the living room was empty, and the house was dark. You called his name after setting your things down, seeing the light coming from the bathroom door. You walked to it, knocking gently.

"Xavier?"

You could hear the shower running and what sounded like quiet sniffles. You frowned, going to touch the handle when you heard his voice. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay, babe?" You questioned. Xavier remained silent for a few seconds, and you could hear the sound of skin against the tub as if he were sitting down.

"I'm fine, I'll be out in a minute." He called, his voice thick.

You decided to leave him be, going into your bedroom and stripping from your uniform. Xavier never liked to cry in front of you. He was self-conscious about it, he wanted you to know he could be strong for you. As much as you told him you hated it, you had only seen him cry a handful of times.

You laid on the bed in your bra and panties, pulling a blanket over you as the bathroom door creaked open. Xavier shuffled into your room, wearing sweatpants and his blond hair pushed away from his face. You could already tell his eyes were red as he put his dirty clothes in the hamper.

"The shower's free," he said, his voice monotone. Xavier refused to look at you. He crossed the room, sitting on the bed before plopping on his back, his head nudged your leg.

"What's wrong, Xavier?" You asked gently. You could smell his body wash, and you slowly pushed yourself down, so your heads were level. He kept his eyes closed.

"I'm fine, y/n,"

You tsked at him. "Your eyes were red."

"So? I got soap in them."

You rolled your eyes, "Don't lie to me, Xavier Plympton!"

"I really don't want to talk about it, babe." He groaned. You continued to stare at him until he opened one eye, snapping it shut when he realized he got caught.

"I had a long day," you whispered. "Please, tell me what's bothering you, Xavier. It's going to kill me inside."

Xavier stared up at the ceiling after he finally cracked. He told you what really happened when he was younger.

When he was 18, one of his closest friends at the time, Andrew, started to become heavily involved in drugs. Xavier initially tried to get him to stop, but one day he was stupidly persuaded to try some. You played with his hair as he quietly explained how it got out of control. Whenever Xavier was angry or upset, he would use.

And then, his friend died.

By the time his parents found him, it was too late. His anniversary had passed a few days before, and suddenly Xavier's sour mood the past few days made sense. You held him tightly as he went on to say that shortly after his friend's funeral, he left his home in the middle of the night and wandered to a park where he injected himself and passed out after stumbling around and hitting his head.

He woke up the next day to a man named Blake, who threatened to expose Xavier's drug use if he didn't repay him for saving Xavier in the park. Your heart pounded in your chest as Xavier admitted that he had made porn, specifically with other males after being extorted by Blake.

You didn't know what to say at this admission. Your heartbreak was not because your current boyfriend, who you've had sex with many times, slept with other men. That was Xavier's worst fear, you abandoning him or leaving after he kept it from you. Your heart was breaking because of what this disgusting man did to the love of your life.

"You don't hate me?" Xavier tearfully asked after you comforted him.

"I don't hate you." You confirmed.

Xavier finished by saying he got away once Blake was arrested for his actions. Xavier and countless other men, some underage, were freed from the monster, but some never fully recovered for the mental abuse they suffered.

"After that, I told my parents that I didn't want to end up like Andrew. I didn't want to die, I wanted to get better. That's when I went and got help, and I've been clean ever since, y/n,"

That was a year ago.

Which is why when you got the call from Montana, your heart shattered.

"They found him slumped over, y/n," Montana said tearfully into the phone as you ran to your car, tears threatening your vision as you climbed inside, gasping for breath. "They were able to revive him, but his parents are out of town, and they won't let me inside!"

"I'll be there soon!" You cried into the phone as you drove as fast as you could to the hospital Montana said they were at. She stayed on the line with you the entire time, but you were both dead silent.

You were out of breath when you finally met her, hugging her tightly as Trevor and Chet stood up at the sight of you.

"We tried contacting his parents again, but they're not fucking answering," Chet explained as he and Montana followed you to the receptionist currently talking on the phone. "None of us are his emergency contact, his mom called me and begged us to come here. They might be on a plane ride back."

"I don't know if I am," you breathed as you impatiently waited for the lady to hang up. "M-Maybe I'll tell them we're engaged, or married?" You whispered.

"Married, most definitely," Montana mumbled.

Chet answered his phone when it started ringing, before stating he was going to meet Ray downstairs and bring him up. You watched him go, feeling more tears well up as the lady finally hung up, typing away on her computer.

"Excuse me!" You gasped, hitting the desk as you all but ran to it. She jumped back, looking at your disheveled state before her eyes settled on Montana.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I've already told you-"

"I'm his wife!" You choked up, causing the woman to look at you. "I-I should be one of his contacts."

The woman slowly looked at your hands, seeing the promise ring Xavier had given you on your first anniversary. She sighed before looking up his files.

"Name?" She asked.

You repeated your name, almost crying in relief when she stood up, "Come on, Mrs. Plympton," she said. Montana watched as you walked off, unable to keep the slight smirk off her face.

When you approached his room, a doctor was just coming out. He stopped at the sight of you two, quirking an eyebrow at the lady as she quietly explained who you were.

"How is he?" You blurted out, not meaning to interrupt the nurse as she spoke.

"He's awake, his vitals are back to normal, but he is a little out of it, I'm afraid." He said before his eyes slowly trailed you up and down. "Mrs. Plympton, are you aware your husband is a user?"

Your mouth was dry as you answered, "Xavier had been sober for almost four years, I-I had no idea he was using again..."

The doctor slowly nodded, but you could still feel his judgemental stare as you shifted uncomfortably. "If I were you, I'd consider the possibility he may need to enter rehabilitation. The use of heroin has become quite an epidemic, if he has been sober for as long as you said, a relapse would seem rather unlikely-"

"Doctor Stephens, with all do respect, I do not believe this is the appropriate time or place," the nurse said, glaring at him as she gently squeezed your arm. "Her husband almost died. Let her see him before we discuss any further steps."

You looked at her gratefully, before noticing her last name was also Stephens. You hid your smile as you realized they were probably married.

"Very well, in you go," he said, before nudging you inside. As the door clicked shut behind you, you heard him mumble, "Sharon, in the workplace we are not-"

You slowly approached Xavier's bed as he tiredly glared at the television, playing old reruns of Friends. He whipped his head around at the sound of your footsteps, and a mixture of relief and remorse crossed his face. "y/n?"

You let the tears spill over as you slowly approached him. His blue eyes shining at you from the reflection of the television. He was hooked up to machines, yet he moved over for you to climb into bed with him. He let you sob into his hair, his own lips trembling as he silently cried.

When you both seemed to settle down, that's when you began to talk.

"What happened, Xavier?" You sniffed. "What caused you to relapse?"

Xavier remained silent, bringing a hand to wipe at his face. The only sounds you could hear were the beeping of his heart monitor.

"When Blake went to trial," he began, "The courts ordered all of our... Tapes to be destroyed," he sighed. "They were, except for one,"

Your stomach dropped as his brows furrowed, another sob bubbling in his chest, but he pushed it down. "It was the second video Blake forced me to make. It was of another kid who was younger than me and me. It was his first time ever having sex. Someone found it, or it had been stolen before the trial, I don't know. It was uploaded to the internet last night, and..." he squeezed his eyes shut as the need to cry suddenly became too much. "I didn't know about it until the FBI called me and informed me today. They took it down, but-"

"Oh my God," you breathed out.

"They don't know how many copies exist, they're doing everything they can to track down the person who uploaded it, but my life is so FUCKED up!" He yelled, more tears spilling over as he buried his head in your chest.

"H-Has anybody?..."

"I don't know, nobody has reported on it, my fucking Instagram hasn't blown up or anything, but my fucking life was supposed to start over, that was all supposed to be behind me." He said. "Some times, I can almost forget that it even happened. My life has changed so much in the past four years. I never had the urge to use again until tonight."

His voice was so broken and small that you almost didn't recognize it. You stroked his hair, hoping it still had the same calming effect on him like the many times before.

"You've come so far, Xavier," you whispered to him. "Everything you've been through, everything you've become is so inspiring." You started to comfort him, but he shook his head in disappointment.

"I'm too much of a fuck-up, y/n," he mumbled. "You don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve you."

"Don't you dare fucking say that!" You gasped.

"It's true, y/n," Xavier said. "Whatever happens because of this, I don't want to be the one responsible for ruining your life. It's going to get out what happened to me tonight, what that guy did, and what I did to myself. You deserve nothing but happiness and a great life."

"Please stop," you whimpered.

"If you want to leave me, I won't stop you. I-I love you too much to hurt you, y/n."

You squeezed him tighter, whispering assurances in his ear that you weren't going to leave him. You loved Xavier with all your heart. "I'm not throwing away two years of us being together over this."

Xavier cupped your wet cheek in his hand, bringing his lips to your forehead as you crumbled beneath his touch.

"W-We can get through this," you said. "Xavier, if people heard the story of what actually happened to you, your real fans will love and support you no matter what. What Blake did was a horrible thing, and now he is spending the rest of his life in prison."

Xavier nodded, but you could still see the hurt in his eyes. "They'll find out I was a heroin addict. Society doesn't care about people like me."

As much as you wanted to convince him he was wrong, you knew in a way that not everybody would be supportive of someone with an addiction, society could be unbearably cruel.

There was a knock at the door, and you both straightened up as two uniformed agents slowly stepped into the room. You immediately found yourself recoiling at the sight of them, more worry coursing through you as Xavier looked at them nervously.

They introduced themselves as partners with the FBI. Due to the ongoing investigation, no details of what happened tonight will be made public. Xavier wished for much secrecy as possible, not wanting any of this to get out.

"We are currently monitoring all adult websites and making sure no articles about this are being made public. The woman who found you is being cooperative and will not spread the word of what has happened, Mr. Plympton."

They stayed for about twenty minutes, explaining that Xavier was under their protection for the time being. When it’s time for him to discharge from the hospital, it will be at an undisclosed time and location, and they also informed you to not be alarmed if any agents show up at your doorstep.

After they left, Xavier was exhausted. You had since moved to the chair, continuing running your fingers through his hair as his eyes drooped.

"y/n?" He whispered.

"What is it, babe?" You asked.

"I'm happy you decided to stay."

You cracked a smile, "Did you really think I wouldn't have?"

Xavier didn't say anything but held a mischievous twinkle in his eye as you pressed a kiss to his forehead. You whispered to him as he slowly dozed off, promising him of a better tomorrow.

And most importantly, of your future with him by your side.

[smartguyreviewed]

1x7 - A Little Knowledge

Original air date: May 7, 1997

Hello there, friends. How are we holding up during these “unprecedented times?” I am currently holding up by pretty much being high 18/7, not sleeping and obsessing over a show that pretty much nobody talks about because I am that bored.

Really, I do want to thank anyone who takes the time to read this blog and/or drop a like. I started this blog because I enjoyed reading reviews of Lizzie McGuire and Boy Meets World. And then I thought of how not that many black sitcoms are pretty much ever really discussed. I watched Smart Guy so much when I was a kid but didn’t realize how important it was to even be watching it because we had so many other black television shows during my childhood, the complete opposite of how it is now. I always thought about even making a YouTube channel reviewing that black ass nostalgia that I love so much, but since I’m in the ugly phase of growing my starter locs, I figured I’d blog for now. 

Alright! There’s my intro. I really did mean it, but I had no idea how else to segue into the opening for this episode. By the way, if anyone is a super meticulous asshole and thinks the numbering of the episodes is off, I was honestly confused because Disney omitted a whole ass episode of the show, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the numbering of the episodes is different here but nowhere else on the web. The first season is already less than 10 episodes, so whatever.

Okay, so we open to Floyd about to do his books but he needs the little precocious calculator to help him out. This triggers me because I still have not done my taxes even though the deadline was extended. Luckily, it doesn’t appear that the Hendersons have any timely bills due but they are broke. After TJ adds up all the numbers, Floyd sees he is definitely not in the black. 

Because the episode is about money, naturally, both of Floyd’s grown children need pricey things all of a sudden. Yvette comes down and asks for a coat to replace this...thing that she’s wearing because it’s clearly ill-fitting. Floyd says he can buy her a new coat, as long as she’s not particular as to which winter she gets it in.

Up next is our Marcus, asking for something totally egregious. At least Yvette was asking for weather appropriate clothing. Marcus is asking Floyd for a $1500 bike. And now I’m confused. Why the hell would Marcus of all people need a bike? If he’s really trying his damndest to get the girls, I thought the band alone served that purpose. Regardless, Marcus needs it and he’s a teenager so the world is going to end tomorrow if he doesn’t get this deathcycle of his. He even tries to manipulate his dad by showing him a photo of Floyd on his bike. I actually think it’s cute how Floyd lights up at the sight of younger him. Maybe he met his deceased wife during these years? 

Floyd breaks out of memory lane and reminds Marcus that he, a human parent, wants the finer things also, including the chance to see his old friends at his high school reunion but that doesn’t seem to have a snowball’s chance in hell of happening. Yeah, because Floyd has to put food on the table for a woman and three guys (yes, I’m including Mo and guys eat a lot and I don’t wanna hear shit about how girls eat a lot too because guys just eat more and that’s a fact) and school all of his children. No room for the finer things.

He then says that Yvette and Marcus can buy what they want but simply have to get jobs. Marcus balks at the idea and says he wouldn’t want work to interrupt his studies. Yvette and TJ have a nice little kii over this since hahaha “Marcus is dumb,” hahaha.

We cut to TJ in his room attempting to strategize ways for the Henderson clan to save money while watching a bootleg version of Jeopardy!. Marcus comes in on the phone with Craig, the guy selling the bike, and convinces him to not sell it, even though Marcus only has 4.2% of the funds. Yvette barges in and is pissed at her annoying little brothers for not unlocking her door when they’re done with the bathroom. See, they share a bathroom in this episode. In another episode, Yvette gets her own bathroom built...somewhere because she’s tired of sharing with them. This bathroom is never mentioned again. In another episode, Marcus temporarily moves to the attic. I just wonder exactly how the Henderson house is built because it seems like there’s so much space yet so little space? 

The boys aren’t listening to Yvette however, because she stank. She credits this funk to the job she just got at the Cluck Bucket, “yanking the gushy stuff out of chickens,” as Marcus eloquently puts it. She brags, saying she makes $100 a week, which is obviously $1000 a week in 90s money. 

After TJ proposes that Yvette cut Marcus’s hair, Marcus realizes TJ is attempting to optimize their family’s finances. TJ really is doing a lot for a 10 year old here. Normally, he’s being extremely rude to them, but in this episode, he’s trying to use his intelligence to fix a problem that he has no business worrying about. Clearly, this intelligence is a gift and a curse. I’m about to be 29 and I worry all the time about things I can’t even control along with the things I can. Imagine being 10, gifted AF and stressing only about adult things you can’t control.

Marcus actually delivers good advice this episode, most likely unbeknownst to him. He commands TJ to turn off his brain and stop worrying because this is something he can’t fix. And Marcus is right. A 10 year old has zero reasons to be trying to balance the family checkbook. It would have been better if he threw a Gameboy at him and told him that’s his homework instead.

But this is TJ and he is the determinator AKA hard-headed. Bootleg Jeopardy! is about to end but the host announces a junior version of the show. TJ checks all the boxes. Youngster? Check. Living in the D.C. area? Check. In desperate need of $25k? Double check!

TJ and Marcus are back home and go over how they’re going to break the news to Floyd since obviously he wouldn’t have given TJ permission to audition if they asked. Floyd seems pissed at first when they tell him but Marcus makes sure to place emphasis on how TJ kicked ass. Floyd is proud now, even though a few moments ago, he was about to go full Papa Bear.

The next day, Piedmont is buzzing about TJ’s television debut but he’s confused because he only told his fam. We then cut to Marcus blabbing to some girl about how he can get her a seat next to him so she can give him a handjob on the sly. (Of course, we don’t even see said girl at the show.) TJ tells Marcus he didn’t want everyone to know because, understandably, now there’s more pressure on him. Marcus responds to this by putting even more pressure on him, telling Craig that TJ is going to win him the bike. Then he puts a damn anvil on it by telling Craig to raise the price to $1700 and he’ll just take the bike now. This will end well.

TJ, under immense pressure because the show is filming in 6 hours at this point (film/TV people, if you’re reading, feel free to say if this is even normal for it to move this quickly especially for an underage guest?), is up late at night studying his ass off and high off legal coke. He’s awoken Marcus who is wondering why on earth TJ would be up this early studying for a quiz television show that has a large monetary prize and they’re broke. He wants TJ to get some sleep by he’s in the zone because he had 20 cups of coffee. After a drug fueled rant, he just passes out. 

6 hours later and TJ is still high. Floyd chalks it up to nerves before TJ starts sprinting around the set. Marcus shows up, announcing he just chained up his new bike to a dumpster. This will end well. He checks in on TJ who is still coked up and not coming down anytime soon. His dad calls him over to meet the other contestants which include Dylan Roof and Yung Sharpay.

After the kids are ushered onto set, Floyd goes to the other hoity toity parents, bragging about their kids’ accomplishments. He dismisses them and says TJ actually has a life. Floyd, you dick! Afterwards, the show begins. The host is opening and says he believes that children are our future. Floyd and Marcus are backstage and in true black parent fashion, once TJ is announced, they lose their shit!

The game is now underway and Yung Sharpay and TJ are caught up. Dylan Roof is pretty much just there because he’s so far behind that it doesn’t even matter. Amy loudly tells TJ that he has a broken leg and they’re loading the shotgun because she just caught up to him. Of course, nobody heard this even though she was loud as hell. Also, racial implications much?

Yvette comes late in her work uniform and is hurriedly trying to tell Marcus a bit of info he’ll want to act fast on, but naturally, he shushes her to listen to the game that TJ is about to possibly lose. Yvette is also a petty asshole, so she doesn’t even try to tell him again. They cut to break and Yvette announces then that Marcus’s bike is gone. Turns out, locking it to a dumpster isn’t the best idea because some guy in a garbage truck stole it dragged the dumpster away. Marcus is pissed and lets slip that he paid $1700 for it which gets him in trouble because he just told Floyd that he was taking it on a test drive. Then the rest of the truth spews out. Marcus says he wanted something from the money TJ was going to win and oh mama is Floyd pissed because he naturally expects the worst from Marcus always and thinks he forced TJ to be in the competition which wasn’t even the case. Floyd tells Marcus he’s going to talk to TJ and warns him to “brace himself” for when he gets back. Yvette gleefully says she’s going to get chalk for his body outline. What did Marcus do to everyone to make them hate him so much? TJ does way shittier things than him and he’s still held in high regard. Hmm.

Floyd comes over to TJ to check in and lets him know that he’s aware of what’s going on. TJ, who has only consumed coffee and chocolate for the past few hours, is now dizzy. Floyd has to remind TJ that he has plenty of time to worry about rent and bills and student loans and credit card debt and finding a therapist and the pressure to have it “together” by the time you’re 30 which is crazy unrealistic. Good lesson and one of the few times I don’t wanna strangle TJ. Understandably, with the pressure off, TJ wants to dipset. The host, while seeing TJ and Floyd leaving, says they signed a contract so somebody needs to fill in for TJ. Cut to one of the funniest scenes in the show, hands down.

The question is how much did Thomas Jefferson, another TJ, pay for the Louisiana Purchase? This is word for word what Marcus-as-TJ says.

“Well uh, let’s see. In DC, the most you can take out of the ATM is $300 and you would wanna hold back a $20 in case something comes up, so I’m gonna say $280, Hugh.”

Yvette’s reaction says it all.

In the end, we see Yvette at the Cluck Bucket, putting on her functional gray pea coat that she probably got from Contempo Casuals or something. Marcus is the janitor now because he has to work off his debt to Craig and because remember, Marcus is a dark-skinned buffoon and couldn’t get the same job as Yvette for some reason. Whatever. I wonder what Yung Sharpay did with her prize money.

Stuff I Noticed:

- Yvette’s jacket. What is this?

- Marcus’s face for Lil’ Dylan and Yung Sharpay versus TJ. I love black families.

White lady on the left does not approve.

- No Mo this episode! :(

[luciferpens]

( CAMILA MENDES , FEMALE, SHE/HER ) ⌇ have you seen RAYE TORRES around icaria? they are the 30 year old child of HADES. they remind me of THE THEATER MOMENTS BEFORE THE CURTAIN OPENS, COLD NIGHTS WITH A DRINK ON THE ROOF, and A SILKY SMOOTH VOICE. They’ve been on the island for 7 years.

BASICS

FULL NAME: Raye Torres

NICKNAMES: Ra, Tor

FACE CLAIM: Camila Mendes

AGE: Thirty

SEXUALITY: pansexual & panromantic

DATE OF BIRTH: July 21

GENDER/PRONOUNS: cis female she/her

EDUCATION: Masters in communications. 

OCCUPATION: Voice actress. Theater director of Deadpan Theater.

GODLY PARENT: Hades

GODLY POWERS: Pyrokinesis is & phobokinesis are her strong suits. She can create any sort of flame she wishes, along with control or elicit fear in those around her.  She can’t fully see ghosts (its more like a shadow) but she knows when they are around her and is working on her ability to truly speak to them. 

BIO + BULLET POINTS

Martina Torres was a drug addict and a horrible mother. She abandoned her infant child to the system and avoided any contact Raye has ever tried to make with her

She was adopted by Richard and Gale who feared their daughter. Richard started to abuse Raye as her powers started to show.

He threatened to kill her at a young age

Raye ran away from home and lived on the streets.

She got addicted to drugs

Delilah found out and her family took her in, got her clean and loved her.

She started to show an interest in acting and was scouted at 17.

Raye started to do voice acting and after 5 years she had become well known among actors. She was allowed to move wherever as long as she had a home studio.

Hades moved her to Icaria -- and set her up with Lyric. 

Lyric and Raye dated for 3 years.  But things fell apart and they both realized they were better as friends. 

Raye then met Wesley and they fell deeply in love, marriage was on the horizon until Raye met Ava who told her there was a chance of her love dying. Raye panicked and made up a lie to protect Wesley. 

She vanished to LA and only returned because Hades forced her.

TW: Miscarriage -- Raye was pregnant but had no idea until she was mugged one night and ended up in the hospital and found she miscarried. Its been a year and shes not told anyone.

Maria Torress was not what you’d call a good mother. In fact, she was a piece of shit woman who Raye denounces at literally any turn she gets. Maria was an alcoholic and a druggie from the age of 20 till -- well as far as Raye knows, now. Maria has tried over and over again to get clean but within a couple of days falls back into drug use. It was during one of these times that Maria was out at a Halloween costume party when she met Hades. The two hit it off and had a night of fun together. 

He was gone the next day. Maria ended up on drugs one again. Three months passed and it was clear that the little bit of weird sickness she was feeling wasn't from the drugs and instead from pregnancy. She didn’t care much though, but she did stop the harder drugs and instead just drank herself silly. When 9 months passed and Raye was born Maria returned to her druggie ways and left Raye to the system. She was an infant addicted to drugs and alcohol and she spent three months under the care of the hospital before she was deemed safe and given to the system. 

She was placed in a foster home, Richard and Gale, and things seemed well for the infant until she was about 4 years old. Like any other toddler she had fits and crying fests, but at 4... her fits started little fires. The family was shocked and terrified. Richard said she was a devil child, Gale agreed but said they needed to try and “save” her. At 5 Richard snapped when she set a towel on fire and he smacked her; Gale never knew. Any time she set something on fire and Gale wasn’t around she was smacked.  A year passed and at 6 she had started school, started to learn that being hit by your parents wasn’t normal, that what she could do wasn’t normal. She had another temper tantrum and this time her father threatened to kill her if she didn’t stop with the fires. This installed true fear in the child, a feeling she had never truly felt.  This fear triggered another power lingering in the child and when she wanted or needed to, she could toss her fear or create fear in others. This ability was wild and uncontrollable like her pyrokinesis. But this fear, these powers reacted whenever Richard was home, putting them into a deadly spiral. Her fear and fire jumped to them, their fear and anger made her fear stronger and on and on and on. 

When she was 13 Richard found out that she had gotten a bad grade on a test he smacked her so hard she fell into the table and busted it and part of her face. She set the table remnants on fire, along with the carpet in her anger and fear. Raye ran into her bedroom, grabbed her go-bag, a bag she had put together when she was 10 and just switched out items over the years, and ran. 

She lived on the streets for a year and a half, sleeping in parks, showering at the school gym every day, and finding random odd jobs to do around the city to afford any food she might need other than her school lunch. In the midst of all this, she made some bad friends, ended up on drugs, luckily for her they weren’t the worst of the worst. When trouble came for her she defended herself with her fire, and when she burned someone and gave them 3rd degree burns she panicked. That night Hades came to her in a dream, he told her he was her father and that her powers weren't a curse given by the devil but instead a gift given by him. She was good at keeping her appearance normal, at not letting anyone know of her situation. Well, that was until she met Delilah, Delilah saw through her lies and saw that she was suffering, she brought the girl home and there --Delilah’s grandparents took her in helped her get clean. 

Raye lived quite happily with Delilah and soon the two found out that they were related in another way -- they shared a father in Hades. The two became thick as thieves, and when Delilah’s grandparents realized the connection the girls shared -- they more or less adopted her on the spot. Raye adores the Sun family and they are the only people besides Hades himself she calls true family. 

The Sun family pushed Raye into acting when they realized her love for the art. She started acting in school plays during the year and in the summer was doing community theater. She was 17 when a scout arrived at their small local NYC theater, he recognized her talent and within six months he was her agent. She started doing voice acting and small bit roles in tv shows filmed around the city. Raye spent the next 5 and half years making a name for herself within the community and traveling the world for conventions. Her love for travel was well known among her employers and as she neared 23 she was told she could move wherever she wanted. So long as she had a fully built and to code sound recording booth. Figuring that was easy enough she decided to try a more -- tropical area and Hades suggested Icaria considering it was a demi-god safe zone. 

After a couple of months, Hades set her up with Lyric, another demi-god child in hopes the two would fall in love and maybe marry one day. There was a deeper plan in place and Ava knew that. She knew there was a reason her father wanted her and Lyric to be together, what that reason was? She had no idea. And for a couple of years, it actually worked out, the two were close, rather in love and happy. But slowly, things fizzled out and the two slipped into a comfortable friendship and realized -- they were truly better as best friends than lovers. They broke up but continued to be best friends, even when Lyric went into the peace corps and Raye moved on. He was one of the first to hear about Wesley, one of the first to know they got engaged -- and one of the first to know about their breakup too. 

And sure -- while they were happy....Hades and Aphrodite weren’t.  

Raye hadn't known what would come from meeting Ava, if she had even had a lick of an idea of what would spiral from it she would have avoided the other woman’s warning. But luck, that was not on her side. Tragedy and fear seemed to always surround her, just another great thing as a present from her father. The two women had bumped into one another at the end of one of her plays and dived into deep conversation. Slowly it turned to relationships and the future when Raye noticed Ava seemed highly nervous, the woman ended up explaining her powers, how she saw strings and how a frayed almost broken string of fate meant one side of the string was close to death. She warned her to be careful and conscious of what was happening around her.

Fear rushed through her -- she was the daughter of the god of death. Death surrounded her normally, from ghosts to fear and depression, that was normal for her. But to know that one side of a string, that either her or Wesley were close to death? Fear overload her brain and she panicked knowing that her father wouldn’t take her but -- Wesley? Wesley, he might take as punishment for disobeying him. She knew she had to get away from Wesley, it was the only way she knew to keep him safe. To keep her father from revenge. 

She rushed to her best friends told them what she had been told and multiple plans formulated. First, she needed to break up with Wesley. Second, she had to move off the island and far away to keep her father’s attention on her, not Wesley.  She would move to L.A. would continue her job -- it was easy enough to convince her employers that being in L.A. for a bit would be better than being in Greece for a while. Hell, she did have a premiere coming up -- no one would question it... 

But the part she knew would be hard would be that break up. There was no way to leave Icaria without Wesley chasing her; that was to be expected -- he was her fiance. There was nothing she could say to convince Wesley to let her leave without him coming with her.... at least.... nothing that would be harmless. So the plan went into motion, they had to pretend she cheated, that she slept with another person... It ripped her soul apart but it was for his safety.. so Leo agreed and the plan was in motion. She told Wesley she had to go to L.A. for a couple weeks for work -- nothing out of the ordinary... then at the airport she broke the “news” told him what she had “done” and they were over. She got on a plane, moved to L.A. 

TW: Miscarriage, Violence & Depression

 It was a short train ride from her house to get to the studio and every day she took the same path to and from the train at about the same time... Her routine grabbed the wrong person’s attention. While walking home one afternoon two men jumped her stealing her purse, jewelry but somehow missing her engagement ring that hung around her neck and under her shirt. She screamed and screamed until she passed out and they ran off. He screams had gotten the attention of a neighbor who found her beaten and bloody, passed out on the street. She rushed her to the hospital. She awoke in a hospital bed under heavy sedation, an IV in her arm, three ribs were broken, she had a concussion and she was covered in bruises. A nurse rushed in when her heartrate spiked and they realized she was awake.

The Nurse checked everything and then got the doctor and the two of them broke the news that she had lost her baby. Now, this was news to her -- she hadn’t even known she was pregnant and to find out she had been... only to learn instantly that she had also lost it... Raye was not in a good place mentally.  The nurse, Ally, sat with her for the next couple hours, despite being off the clock, as she worked through the first wave of emotions. They signed her up for a miscarriage support group and got her signed up for counseling. she stayed in the hospital for another four days before they released her into the care of a coworker who had become one of her closest friends while in L.A. And for the next couple of months, she went to see her therapist twice a week and she started taking anti-depressants to quell the dark thoughts that were lingering in her mind. 

End TW

Despite all of this, L.A. was still a great place to be, at least for her career. It took off in a whole other path. She worked on more and larger name shows, throwing her voice into tons of cartoons and online shows, she appeared on tv itself in multiple shows when she had the time and was generally... making a small name for herself within the voice acting community. Raye had pretty much decided that she would stay single forever now, not ready or willing to move on from Wesley. She wore the ring around her neck on a necklace and never took it off. Sure she got questions from fans and the occasional interview but she never spoke on it, never mentioned him, not wanting the fans and reporters to try to hunt him down. 

She was content with what her life had become, settled in it, and ready to deal with what became of it when Hades appeared to her one night and forced her to move back to Icaria. So she did. She uprooted herself, her studio and her work and moved back to Icaria only a little over a year after she left in the first place. 

HEADCANONS/WANTED CONNECTIONS

Anyone from his childhood. Especially anyone would might have thought something was weird about him

An ex-boyfriend or girlfriend who knows of what his family does.

Someone he’s helped over the years!

Friends of the family who know what he does.

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 11

Chapter Summary - Danielle and Paul have lunch together, leading to their relationship becoming something more.Tom confronts Taylor on her lies and actions leading to him realising how she is able to act as she does and maintain a pristine public image.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog  @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1

NOTE - Unitentionally left this chapter out, apologies. 

“Yep, a legitimate little shit,” Danielle stated in a deadpan voice as she finished chewing.

Paul laughed, covering his mouth with his hand to not spit out some of the salad he was eating. “I am just glad I got enough sleep before he started today.”

“Yeah, yeah, quit bragging.” She tossed half a cherry tomato at him, causing him to laugh again. “You didn’t strike me as a salad man.”

“I’m actually big on fruit and veg, I am a doctor after all; you know, practise what I preach and all that.”

Danielle eyed him suspiciously. “Wait, are you a vegetarian?”

“If I was?” he asked.

“I would probably disgust you, I am a total ‘it’s not dinner unless there is the side of some dead animal on the plate with it’ sort of girl.”

“Good Irish upbringing then I take it.” He smiled back.

“The best.”

“No, I’m not, but I am not a huge fan, fish is what I’d eat mostly.”

“Why imply you were?”

“To see your reaction.”

“It’s a diet choice, what sort of reaction were you expecting?” She laughed. “It’s not like you sacrifice goats to a pagan god.”

“Only at Easter.” She had barely stopped laughing when he set her into another fit. “I don’t want to ruin your good mood, but are you okay, with everything with Diana’s son that is?”

Danielle cleared her throat awkwardly, picking up her fork and playing with another half tomato. “It’s none of my business.”

“But you are being dragged into it, aren’t you?” Danielle gave a small nod, not looking up from the plate. “What is the story there, did you go out with him before or something?”

Danielle scoffed. “No, nothing like that. Honestly Paul, I only know him through his mum, I collected him from the airport once when she couldn’t make it, we talked, we got along well, and since it was an awkward journey for Diana, I offered to do it when he was coming to Suffolk. I’m not even very close to him, he is rarely around, I just find him nice to talk to on the rare occasion I see him, I get on best with Emma, and Sarah I’ve only ever seen a few times.”

“They are his sisters?” she nodded. “So why is all the focus on you?”

“I think it’s to do with I was talking to Diana about everything and he overheard us, so he got mad, and then ranted to his girlfriend about it and I have no idea how the hell it escalated from there.”

“And now you are being accused of selling their family secrets?” she nodded again. “That’s pretty rough.”

“I have no idea how this came about, and I can only imagine that whatever little chance there was of myself and Tom ever talking amiably again, is well and truly decimated, which will put a strain on Diana and Emma, which is completely not fair.”

“And that is why you are ignoring Diana?”

“I’m no ignoring her; I am just trying to make things easier for her. If she doesn’t have people arguing, it makes her life easier.”

“That’s selfless of you. She told me you talk to her about your parents a lot.”

“You spend an awful lot of time talking about me.”

“Contrary to your belief Danielle, people actually care about you, and think you a very worthy topic of conversation.” He smiled. “We are worried about how all of this is affecting you; that’s what people do when they care about someone” Danielle blushed at his words. “I know we’re only getting to know each other personally Danni, but…” The neighbour’s dog began barking hysterically. “That fucking cat.”

“It’s a dog.”

Paul laughed. “No, he sees the apartment over the way’s cat. It sit’s there taunting him all day.”

“Should we get Mac to say hello?”

“I think that’s a great idea.” Paul smiled, walking over to the door. Mac Tíre, who had been reasonably comfortable in his unfamiliar surrounds until the other dog started barking, rose to his feet and went to the patio door. As soon as Paul opened it, he rushed out, giving a deep bark, which was followed by pathetic whimpers, and trotted back inside proudly.

“That’ll teach the little bollix.” Danielle laughed, having gotten out of her chair and stood next to Paul to see what Mac Tíre would do. She looked up at Paul next to her, realising for the first time that there was over six inches difference in their height. When his gaze met hers, she blushed slightly. “I…”

Paul gently placed his hand on her cheek and leant down, his face only centimetres from hers as he studied her eyes, noticing there was no attempt to step back from him, he pressed his lips against hers, relieved when Danielle pressed hers forward into his.

*

“Are you seriously accusing me of selling that story?” Taylor had tears in her eyes as she spoke. “I was at the table with you; I left my phone with you the only time I left you after that story was said. It had to be that bitch.”

“You said you never spoke to her, and then admit to Ben you did.” Tom retorted. “Don’t you see what they did Taylor, they tricked you. They never told that story to Danielle; they planted it for you to show what you were doing.”

“His wife was gone long enough with her phone, she rang it in.”

“Ben screen shot me a picture of her screen. She was gone about ten minutes from the table, the phone number on the phone was a British number, the prefix was one for Scotland and the call lasted ten minutes forty-two seconds.” Tom argued. “She was talking to her mum.” Tom looked at her, somewhat defeated. “Benedict is a Buddhist, a practising Buddhist, and Sophie does not go to church, and should she ever elect to, Benedict would not think it a suitable place to bring Christopher so young.”

“And you know this as fact do you?”

“Yes, because I was a groomsman at his wedding, so I know his view on church ceremonies, and I was talking to him when they were getting Christopher baptised, both of which he only did to placate their parents.” Tom looked her in the eye as he spoke. “Why have you been lying?”

“I have not, you are just pissed that your friend…”

“Stop dragging Danielle into this, Danielle could not care less about us.”

“She is in love with you.”

“Well if she is, then she is Oscar-worthy in her ability to not show it, because she has a boyfriend, and going by the fact I got a picture sent to me by my sister showing Elle and the doctor walking by the sea with her dog holding hands, she seems to be completely happy with him according to Emma.”

“They did that in front of her to get her to tell you so you would be…”

“Are you listening to yourself?” Tom scoffed. “My sister wasn’t there with them; she was walking along with her own husband and noticed them from afar. You have had it in for Danielle for some reason since the beginning.”

“She is not really your friend, she has been bitching you to your mum.”

“You know, I actually remember the first time I heard them discuss you, she actually defended you, saying you were pretty and at least you had your own money, all you have ever done is belittle her.”

“She said I could not sing for shit and that I was a moaning... well I cannot repeat the word.”

“Yes well, perhaps there’s some truth in that.” Tom hissed angrily. Taylor gasped in horror at his words. “I think we need to call a time-out on this for a while, I need space and you need to grow up.” Tom grabbed his jacket and went to leave. “You know, I actually heard you on the phone to one of your friends, swearing you would get Danielle to pay, I should have realised then it was you. I made an absolute tit of myself to my friends and family, and for what? A girl who is still acting as though she is in school.” He walked out the door leaving an irate Taylor behind him.

*

Tom Hiddleston ‘Girl Next Door’ ex-lover threatens Taylor Swift?

Sources close to the singer revealed she turned up at a squad member’s home at close to midnight on Thursday night after a close friend of the Hiddleston family sent an email to the singer stating she and the actor had had an affair before the actor was dating the “Bad Blood” songstress, but that the actor dumped her for Ms. Swift, and she swore she would get him back.

The neighbour girl, thought to be living next to his mother Diana Hiddleston in Suffolk, is also the reported source behind the photographs and stories leaked about Hollywood’s most fangirled gentleman. The girl also claimed that Mr. Hiddleston forced her to get an abortion because he never wanted children, a claim Ms. Swift knew to be false because of Tom’s great affection for children, and of course, he has said in many interviews he cannot wait to show his own children the Jungle Book film some day, hardly the words of a man never intending to have children; Tom Hiddleston is also a self-confessed feminist, which helps Ms. Swift know he would never force someone to do such a thing against their will.

The email also implied that if Ms. Swift was not to end things with the Thor and Night Manager star, there would be consequences. The woman is apparently involved in the emergency services, a troubling thought for those in need of assistance in the Suffolk region of Britain.

Tom stared at the article in front of him. He could hardly process it. Danielle could easily lose her job if her superiors figured out that it was supposedly her bring referenced in the article. Tom could not believe what he was reading, Taylor had not only attacked Danielle; she had put everything she had ever worked for at risk. Livid, he pulled out his phone and found Taylor’s number, pressing the call button before he even thought of what he was going to say.

“Calmed down from your tantrum yet?” There was no denying there was a smile on Taylor's face as she answered the phone.

Tom wanted to inform her it was her that had had a tantrum. “What have you done?”

“What are you talking about, I did nothing.” The singer replied sweetly.

“Is this all a sick little game to you, this is a person’s livelihood you are messing with, her job.”

“Boo-hoo, she should not go interfering in other people’s lives if she does not want them to interfere with hers.”

“You have to have that article removed.”

“I have to do nothing; though I’ll make a deal with you, I need to go to the New York fashion show, Gigi will be there with Zayn, so I cannot look utterly pathetic and be alone, so you come with me, smile and look pretty for the camera’s, and when I am asked about that little email, I will laugh and rubbish it off as all lies, I might even say something nice about her, deal?”

“I thought you did not do fancy events with partners?”

“I do not do award shows with them, there’s a difference.” She corrected. “So, will we leave this little spat behind us? I promise I will not reference the lovely Danielle again.”

Tom swallowed, after all, the trouble that he had caused for Danielle, it was the least he could do. “When is the show?”

“I’ll send the plane for you.” She sang back.

[littlemicrocosims]

need to vent about chocolate real quick

okay so some of you may know that I used to work for choccywoccydoodah (if you’ve heard of it, great, if you haven’t, i’m also not surprised). Choccy just went out of business and I just need to vent because all the news coverage (the few bbc articles etc there are anyway) are making me SO ANGRY so if you want chocolatey behind the scenes drama and what it was ACTUALLY like to be employed by christine taylor READ ON

The entire news coverage for this business going into administration is solely ‘oh what a shame this awesome creative business is gone! noone could have predicted it! such a shock we all loved it!” lIKE NO FUCK OFF IF YOU SPOKE TO A SINGLE PERSON THAT WORKED THERE YOU WOULD KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT A SURPRISE AT ALL. This has been coming for YEARS. This company has been driven into the ground by Christine Taylor and if you ever watched the TV show i’m sure you have a little understanding as to why that is.

When I worked at the company (for about a year between 2016 - 2017), I was told many things by the owners. It’s a million dollar company, she said. It’s international. We make MAGIC. And yes, to an extent, they did make magic. The two Christine’s founded the company in Brighton in 1994 and carved a niche for themselves. They made amazing cakes for amazing people and I was so, so thrilled to be a part of it. The TV show had already ceased filming by this point, of course, and whilst the show was still running in some countries (the company was inexplicably popular in the Netherlands, I came to realise) the popularity of the show within the UK was something akin to marmite... Either you love it, or... well, you’ve never heard of it. I always knew the company and its running was unconventional - no safety training for the amount of physical labour you had to do, an incredibly stressful work environment, always expected to work unpaid overtime, the list goes on - but I loved it anyway. My manager was an amazing woman (and still is!) and I was keen to learn and master what I could. This is when the cracks started to show. Christine and Christine would make plans - we want to promote you, but we can’t promote anyone unless they’ve worked here over a year, we want to open a third store, we’re going to launch a side business, here’s a range of more affordable cakes that we are going to sell - but somehow, nothing ever followed through. They could barely afford to run two shops (one in brighton, one in central london, where i worked), let alone even CONSIDER opening a third. Their marketing relied solely on the now outdated television show and they refused to upgrade with the times. They weren’t without help - younger members of the team had plenty of suggestions and contributions but they were never recognised or accepted. I managed to convince them to invest in snapchat geo-filters (as all customers did in the shop was record and take photos). Not a huge step, but a small one in the right direction. This was once they actually ALLOWED people to film - for months part of my job was telling people to put their phones away! Why make edible art if you can’t even share it!? Their social media ‘team’ consisted of some guy who used to bake the cakes and got promoted to Christine’s PA. He could barely even spell, let alone maintain a facebook, an instagram, a youtube... To put it bluntly, they knew fuck all about promoting their own company and got complacent in how successful they had once been.

To compensate for this, the company began raising prices. The impractical “chunky bars” rose in price in the time I was at the company from £12.99 to £14.99, while cakes for 10 servings jumped from £35.99 to £40+. Commissions that staff had got and were promised for another quarter for bespoke cake consultations disappeared with no warning. They began outsourcing more and more chocolate, reducing the cocoa content of the chocolate they DID create, and staff began leaving. I thought the high turnover was normal. If you’ve watched the show, you know that Dave made all the magic happen. Well, people like Dave started leaving. Once the two Christines decided they didn’t like a member of staff, they would quietly sit and gather evidence of the smallest infractions until they had enough to fire you or play hardball until you quit before they could pull the trigger. I saw this happen to many, many members of staff in my time there. Luckily, they always seemed to like me, but I have a feeling that if I’d stayed any longer the same would have happened to me. It happened to their own son, who they demoted from operations manager in favour of the london store manager. He got no say in this. They never gave the new operations manager the payrise for her promotion for the year plus that she held the position (until closing) and they regularly expected her to work 6/7 day weeks as they refused to replace staff that were leaving. She was expected to continue to manage the london branch as well as manager the operations for the entire company. She HAD to work these hours just to make sure there was a senior member of staff in the building. This was around the time I decided the stress and constant crying when I finished my shift every night was too much, and I made the very hard decision to leave despite not having anything else lined up. I was in a fortunate position of living with my parents and having a safety net. Not everyone else had that. 

Since I left the company, things only deteriorated further. The Carnaby Street store (just off oxford circus, in central london) was deemed too expensive to rent, and they moved to covent garden, to a location my former manager oh-so affectionately refers to as “crack alley”. It was unsafe and I’ve been told that staff closing up in the evenings would regularly have to ask for backup as they would feel at risk within the store. The size of the team started to dwindle (the whole company was 50+ strong over both stores and the studios when I was there, it was 20-30 when it shut and the london store alone had 6/7 members of staff). More members of staff left without replacements. Then the inevitable happened - Dave reduced his hours, with an intention to leave, leaving very few people in the studio able to actually make the cakes (which were often dry and poorly made as it was, people regularly found bits of plastic in the cafe cakes and the cafes never even got what they ordered in the first place). Being incredibly secretive about her processes, Christine had staff sign an NDA to know the ‘secret formula’ for the modelling chocolate. Like it’s a goddamn krabby patty. So when Dave began to move away and the other staff from the studio moved on as well, instead of training anyone new to make the cakes, Chris decided she would just... price people out of them. She’d long since abandoned any premise of making affordable versions of her cakes for weddings and raised the minimum price of a bespoke design from £450 to £2,500!!!! The one thing her company was well known for and she priced everyone out of it. Just because she’s made a few cakes for celebrities (I helped design one for Jack Whitehall while I was there, but other big names include Tinie Tempah, Johnny Depp, Kylie Minogue, Boy George, the Game of Thrones launch party....) she arrogantly believed that her entire clientele could afford this, when actually her entire clientele was children who loved the show and their hard working families. These people simply cannot afford £50 for a 10 portion cake, or £30 for a slice of cake and a drink in a cafe. £5 for an outsourced chocolate coin! £20 for a bar of chocolate! She was out of touch, and arrogant, and stubborn. Other companies do it better and cheaper and she refused to ever acknowledge her competition, let alone follow through on any plans to be better.

The staff who were made redundant were barely even informed. No notice. They were told they had to vacate the building and haven’t even been paid for their last week of work, while the Brighton store continued trading for nearly a week. Because the company hadn’t gone into administration yet, they aren’t even able to claim redundancy from the government. Couples who have paid an eye watering amount of money for bespoke wedding cakes are being left up shit creek without a paddle while Christine retires to her bloody house in france to lick her wounds.

Other thoughts:

- Doggymoggydoodah was a shit idea, and poorly executed. - I’ve never met such a homophobic lesbian. She forced the manager to leave the building so she could drill her about her sex life without the repercussions of having these conversations inside the building because she knew she could get done for it if she did. - She’s a bully, plain and simple - the youtube channel posted a video YESTERDAY. who the fuck is posting on there? there’s been no action in 6 months and NOW IS THE TIME TO TELL ME HOW TO CUT ONE OF YOUR CAKES? - my old assistant manager literally robbed the company of several thousand pounds because she knew that christine couldn’t be bothered to get her security cameras fixed :) they couldn’t even get the proof to fire/charge her and had to settle for bullying her out of the company - christine would make us tell customers that we melted down display pieces to reduce waste but actually we just broke them down with a hammer and threw them in the bin. enjoy looking at that luxury easter egg knowing i literally stomped on it so it would fit in a binbag - that glitter on the cakes is not edible. it’s just non-toxic. - the chocolate they use for the modelling tastes vile. - the london stores had biiiiig rat/mice problems. We had to kill them ourselves! We trapped them in glue traps and stamped on them! I GOT PAID FOR THAT! - the brighton store was filthy and gross behind the scenes! If you’ve ever eaten in that cafe then I am sorry but the staff there didn’t like to clean :)  - that whole burlesque vibe isn’t child friendly, stop trying to combine the two, a cartoon drawing of your naked ass doesn’t belong in a cookery book you narcissistic twat!! - your chocolate is impractical and horrific to actually try and eat. there. I said it. it tasted good though. until you discontinued all my favs :(

THIS IS NOT A SURPRISE. THIS IS NOT A SHOCK. THIS BUSINESS HAS BEEN POORLY RUN AND UNABLE TO ADAPT FROM THE GET GO. Please don’t keep feeding this woman’s ego. She needs a sharp dose of reality and to face up to all the staff that she has let down. I was lucky to get out when I did but I know single mothers, people trying to afford to live in london who are now completely screwed over and out of a job. People who have given their lives to this dysfunctional company. I begged them to leave because I felt like this was going to happen but they were too loyal and devoted, and wanted it to turn around. My former boss is owed nearly £5k that she’s never going to get, and all those customers who put deposits down or heaven forbid paid the full balance on their cakes are without refunds AND cakes! Just please stop idolising Christine Taylor and look at the situation before you say how shocking and sad it is. 

Yes, this company was magical. But that ended a long time ago.

[torn-and-frayed]

Unwanted - Send the Pain Below Timestamp

Word Count: 2812

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Warnings: Drug use, addiction, violence, stalking, PTSD, panic attacks, emotional abuse, gaslighting

A/N: This takes place within 1 week of the initial drug overdose. Beta’d by @deanssweetheart23 and @spnskinnyballs

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Anon Requested: For stpb timestamps could you maybe dive more into the readers family? Like her parents and siblings and stuff? It always kinda stuck out to me that when all of this was going on her family never really got involved. 

“Y/N, I heard you had a bit of a rough night.” You sat tucked into the corner of the couch in Dr. Katz’s office, staring at your shoes, picking your cuticles. Your knuckles still wore the bruises and blood stains from the night before. All you could do was nod, not making eye contact. “Jensen emailed me early this morning. He said you were quite intoxicated last night.”

“Yeah.”

“So you remember, then?”

“I do,” you sniffled and found another interesting spot in the carpeting to look at, not wanting to make any kind of eye contact at all.

“What happened to your knuckles? Did you fight with him?” Dr. Katz was so patient and kind with you, the sort of patience and kindness you absolutely didn’t deserve with all your relapses and fuckups. “I can’t imagine you’d get violent with him even in an altered state, and he didn’t mention -”

“No! No.” You shook your head, finally making eye contact. “The wall bore the brunt of it. Then Jensen’s boxing pads. I was already high and super drunk by the time he got home.” You hesitated, not sure if you wanted to relive yesterday or not, but you knew you had to. “Something happened and I handled it badly. Again.”

Dr. Katz furrowed his brows with concern. “With Eli and the case or -”

“No, I wish,” you laughed humorlessly.

Your scenes had finished early in the day, you’d been filming from 4am to 4pm. Jensen on the other hand had night scenes to shoot. You wanted to stay, to drive home together when he was done, but he wouldn’t hear of it. “Go back to the apartment, get some food, try to get some sleep,” he murmured from behind you, his arms wrapped around your middle, kissing right under your ear.

“Jay, I can’t sleep withou -”

“Try. For me? You didn’t sleep well last night either and I know you’re exhausted. Just...take a shower or a bath. Crawl in bed. Read. Watch TV. Listen to music. I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

You reluctantly agreed, allowing Clif to drop you off at home. You decided on a shower, some food, then you made yourself comfortable on the couch with a pile of unopened fan mail to read. It was something you always liked to do, even before all the drama in your life unfolded. But now it was even more cathartic. So many people sent well wishes, cards, gifts, or just offered up stories of their own. Taking the time to sit down and read through them all did genuinely seem to help, at least a little.

By the time you made it to the middle of the stack, you’d worked up a good rhythm. You weren’t really looking at the envelopes as you tore into them, if you had, you never would’ve opened this one.

You knew the perfectly crafted cursive as soon as you unfolded the paper, but it was too late to stop yourself from reading. “Dad…” you murmured, scanning the page.

Y/N,

A few reporters have stopped by recently wanting to know how I feel about you being attacked and your problems with drugs. I tell them they’re mistaken. I don’t have a daughter. I never did.

I can’t help but say I’m not surprised. You’ve always flaunted yourself like a slut. What happened, Y/N? A man finally took interest and you turned him down? Played hard to get and he didn’t like your games so he beat you half to death? So now you’re a drug addict to make yourself look like a victim? But that’s you isn’t it? Always a victim.

That Justin or Jason guy is only with you for a good lay and to make himself look good for his career. You know it, too. What could possibly look better than taking such good care of the fragile, broken little girl in times like these? He’ll be a hero.

I hope the next I hear about you is that you OD’d again and they’re planning your funeral. I’ll show up to that. Just to make sure.

Y/D/N

You watched as Dr. Katz read the crumpled up letter from your father. His face contorted in ways that often looked as though he may cry. “This is horrific, Y/N, there’s no denying that. I understand how it would’ve triggered you.”

You swallowed hard and nodded. “After that...it was like...I wasn’t in the driver’s seat of my own body, ya know?” Dr. Katz nodded, gesturing for you to continue. “I could see what I was doing but it was like...I wasn’t the one doing it. I lost control completely. I lost chunks of time. I don’t remember taking any kind of control back until Jensen got home and by then...I was too far gone.”

Jensen walked in quietly, not wanting to disturb you if by some miracle you had been sleeping peacefully. As soon as he walked in he knew everything was terribly wrong. From the drug residue and empty whiskey bottle next to a letter on the table, to the banging and shrieking coming from the bedroom. He ran to the note first, assuming it was from Eli, but once he read it his heart clenched in his chest.

“Jesus Christ,” he murmured to himself, running to the bedroom to find you with glassy, bloodshot eyes, completely drunk and high, a total wreck, punching the wall as hard as you could over and over with both fists. Your knuckles had already split, blood starting to trickle down your hands.

He ran to you, pulling you away from the wall to stop you from rebreaking your arm. “Stop. Y/N, look at me! Focus on me.” He spun you around in his arms and you squirmed, breaking free and slammed your fist back into the wall.

You heard him rustling around while you continued to pour out every bit of frustration onto the wall, until finally he started yelling to get your attention. “You wanna hit something, huh?” Jensen yelled. “Come on, hit me!”

You turned in shock, only to find him standing there holding up his boxing pads. “Come on, baby. Get it out!” You took a messy swing, in your state you had zero aim. He compensated for you, moving the pads up to meet your fists. You kept swinging, faster and faster, harder and harder, until you couldn’t anymore. You sank to your hands and knees, covered in sweat and tears, completely spent.

Jensen tossed the pads across the room, kneeling down on the ground in front of you, taking you in his arms and pulling you into his lap, your face resting in the crook of his neck while he held you. “You know none of what he said is true, right? I’m not here for publicity or any of that shit. I’m here because I fucking love you.”

Every fiber of your being wanted to believe him, but your father had planted seeds of doubt. Just like he’d done your entire life. All you did was let out a pathetic whimper into Jensen’s neck, letting more tears stream from your eyes, soaking his skin.  

“You wanna talk about it? I know you don’t talk about your family at all and I’m not forcing you to. Just...if you want to…” A violent head shake from you was all the answer Jensen needed to scoop you up and slide up into the bed, resting his back against the headboard and just holding you there while you cried yourself to sleep. Your warm breaths tickling his neck giving him reassurance you hadn’t overdosed, that he’d made it home in time to stop this crisis. He still couldn’t help but wonder what could’ve gone so terribly wrong in your life to make your own father treat you so badly, and if you’d ever have enough trust in him to tell him.

“Y/N, I know you don’t want to, but I think we need to discuss your family if you want to truly start healing.” Dr. Katz said and you swallowed hard, balling your hands into fists. “Now, before we do that, I want to tell you one thing. Jensen is here. He wants to be a part of this if you want him to be. If you don’t then he’ll stay in the waiting room or leave, whatever you want. It’s about you.”

“Jensen’s here?”

“He is.” Dr. Katz nodded. “He wants you to feel safe but he wants to know what happened in your life. He wants to know you better and he says you always run from the subject so if you’d rather tell him here with me then he’ll do that.”

You sat in silence for several minutes, chewing your lip and staring at the floor, picking at your cuticles. You finally got up and walked to the door. Dr. Katz didn’t make a move, waiting to see what you were about to do. “Jensen.” You said it so quietly Jensen barely heard you but turned his head in surprise. “Come on.” You invited him in, holding the door open while he walked in and took a seat. You took your usual seat and Jensen scooted closer, gauging your reaction. He moved even closer when you reached a hand out, lacing it with his and squeezing.

“My parents were...by my dad’s account...super in love,” you started, looking at the hole in your jeans, moving your free hand to play with the threads. “My mom wanted kids so badly. My dad didn’t. He said kids are burdens, leeches, all kinds of things. But for her, he’d have a kid. Me.” Jensen squeezed your hand a little tighter as you spoke, your voice breaking as you continued. “She died 3 days after I was born. Pulmonary embolism. They said it was caused from labor and delivery so...my fault. I killed her. At least that’s what I’ve been told my whole life.” A tear rolled down your cheek and Jensen wiped it away.

“You didn’t kill her, Y/N,” Dr. Katz interjected, “you do realize that, don’t you? There was nothing you could have done. Sometimes these things just happen.”

“Logically, yes. Emotionally, not always,” you sighed, letting all that weight off your chest. “My mom didn’t really have family so I got bounced around from place to place. Sometimes my dad kept me, sometimes he sent me to live in group homes or wherever. He used to throw me into homes for violent and emotionally unstable youth when I wasn’t really either one, so I used to get beat up a lot…”

“Y/N…” Jensen started and froze, swallowing thickly. “Did he ever...I don’t know how to ask you this…”

“Sell me?” You questioned and Jensen nodded. “No, shockingly he didn’t.” You heard the sigh of relief from Jensen immediately after you answered. “He said I wasn’t good enough to sell. Wouldn’t go for high enough.” Jensen tensed at that, if you’d been looking at him you could imagine his jaw clenching at your words. If he ever saw your father you were certain he’d try to kill him.

“You managed to leave.” Dr. Katz cut in. “Tell me about that.”

“I filed for emancipation at 16 and I won. I graduated early, got my passport and I came to Vancouver. Never looked back.” You finally looked up, still not making eye contact with Jensen but looking at Dr. Katz instead.

“That took strength.” Dr. Katz smiled softly. “I know you don’t think or realize that but not a lot of young people in that position could have taken those steps on their own. To get to where you are, become who you’ve become despite your circumstances, that’s no small accomplishment.”

“I - I understand,” you stuttered. You wanted nothing more than to make it through this session. You couldn’t break down in front of Jensen. Not again. You had to get through this so you could make it home to let all the tears flow like you wanted. “I normally have no contact. He doesn’t have any of my contact information. The only one he has is my fan mail address because it’s public and of course my social media accounts if he chose to use the internet. He was never too tech savvy so I doubt he does. I normally recognize his writing and throw out the letters he sends but I was in a zone and I ripped it open and I never should’ve read it and I fucked everything up -” You started to talk faster and faster, your breathing picked up speed, you were spiraling, blaming yourself. Not here, Y/N. Not now.

“Y/N. Focus.” Dr. Katz was calm, reassuring. Jensen squeezed your hand tight, an attempt to ground you to something solid and real, but he stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt your therapist. Dr. Katz watched as Jensen calmed you without a single word. A squeeze of his hand, a lingering kiss to your temple and the panic started to subside. “You handled a bad situation in an unhealthy way. That doesn’t make you a bad person. That makes you human. What I think we should do is focus on things you can do if and when situations like this arise that will help you cope.”

“Like what?” You raised an eyebrow, not able to think of anything else. Every time you got like this everything was a blank and you lost control. Turning to drugs just seemed so easy.

“Journaling, meditation, listening to music, going for a run…” Dr. Katz started listing suggestions and you let out a deep sigh.

“I do...all that. None of it works.”

“What about kickboxing?” Jensen interjected. “Bri takes a class she’d probably love to have the company.”

“Kickboxing?” You scoffed. “I mean...I’m not a boxer, J, I have fight training for the show but that’s - “

“That’s the point.” Jensen chuckled. “You get so mad you wanna hit something, like last night. Kickboxing gives you something to beat up. Plus, you’ll learn self defense so you won’t be so scared when you’re alone. You’ll be able to protect yourself.”

“I think he may be onto something.” Dr. Katz smiled. “What do you think, Y/N?”

“I think I’m gonna call Bri as soon as I get home and ask her if I can tag along one day. See if I like it.” Jensen and Dr. Katz both smiled at you, clearly happy with your decision.

“Well, I think that’s enough for today. I appreciate your honesty today, Y/N. I know how hard this was for you.” Dr. Katz stood up, embracing you in a small side hug. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

The walk to the parking lot with Jensen was silent until you got in his truck. Jensen put the key in the ignition and paused, looking at you. “You don’t need to do that with me, you know.”

“What?” You still could barely make eye contact, staring at his lips instead of his eyes.

“Hold back.” Jensen answered softly. “You’ve been about to burst since you started talking about your dad and you keep pushing it back for my sake. You don’t need to do that. Please just trust me enough to let me catch you when you fall.”

“I do trust you,” you whispered, voice breaking. “I don’t want to burden you with every problem, Jensen. It’s not fair. If I need to cry over the fact that daddy never loved me I can do it alone. I always have.”

“Not anymore. Not ever again.” The dam broke then and the tears started flowing in waves down your face.

“Why didn’t he want me?” You sobbed, your entire body convulsing. “Why didn’t anyone want me?” Jensen hurried to pull you into his chest, rubbing up and down your back, resting his chin on top of your head. “The only person who ever wanted me left me!”

“They’re all idiots.” Jensen spoke softly, rocking you back and forth. “You’re beautiful, funny, intelligent, caring, so loving. Everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m not leaving. I’m never leaving. I promise.”

It was in that moment that you finally believed him. That moment when the mess from your crying had soaked his neck and his shirt and he didn’t bat an eye. That moment when he was crying with you, letting his tears fall freely on you. That moment tangled together in the front of a truck when you realized you could put all of your trust into Jensen. That he was the one person in your life who would never ever hurt you, and you were completely and utterly devoted to spending the rest of your life with him.

Jensen Tags:

@a-girl-who-loves-disney @adaliamalfoy @adoptdontshoppets @aiaranradnay @akshi8278 @alex-zeppelin @amotleyworld @apeshit7x @ariannnawinchester @arryn-nyxx @ashhhh26 @aubreystilinski @autopistaaningunaparte @babydanixox @bakabozza @beacon-hills-chance-harbor @beckie1996 @blackcherrywhiskey @blacktithe7 @boredoutofmymindstuff @born-to-be-his-baby88 @bringmesomepie56 @calaofnoldor @capsofwinchesters @captainradicalpassion @charliebradbury1104 @chickenmcsade @cigsandpie @clarewinchester @comicnerdmia @cosicas-cuquis @deansgirl215 @deanssweetheart23 @deanswhiskeyveins @deanwinchesterisamazing @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester @docharleythegeekqueen @dorned @dragontearsandunicornfears @duckieburns @duherica @ellen-reincarnated1967 @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008 @escabell @evansrogerskitten @evilskank-inthemegacoven @feelmyroarrrr @flannelsandpie @flash2412 @gabavaldman @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish @growningupgeek @holyfuckloueh @horsegirly99 @impalaimagining @itseverythingilike @iwriteshortstuff @jalove-wecallhimdean @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes @jasvisha @jasvisha @jayankles @jensen-gal @jensen-jarpad @jjsoccer11 @jojo-nz @jotink78 @just-a-supernatural-sister @kalliravenne @kayteonline @keeryackles @kgbrenner @kittenofdoomage @kittycat-cas @lenaabs @like-a-bag-of-potatoes @lilydarcy @luciathewinchestergirl @manahil123universe @mayasmedberg @meeshw777 @midnightsunflower @mirandaaustin93 @mogaruke @mrspadalackles @my-supernatural-dreams @nichelle-my-belle @not-moose-one-shots @nothingeverdies @notmoose45 @outerxorbit @percussiongirl2017 @percywinchester27 @primenumberscanbeintimidating @relatableantisocialchick @rhiannonj79 @riakie @rileyloves5 @riversong-sam @rlawson418 @roseblue373 @ruined-by-destiel @ruprecht0420 @sabsi2222 @sammysflannels @sandlee44 @serienjunkiegirl @silver-and-green @sis-tafics @skybinx-blog @sleepretreat @smoothdogsgirl @soobi89 @soobi89 @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @spn-fan-girl-173 @spontaneousam @starswirlblitz @stilinski15 @stubby-the-dean @summoningsupernatural @supernatural-girl97 @supernatural-girl97 @supernatural-jackles @supernaturaldean67 @tarashari-tfp @teepartyy @the-angels-stole-the-tardis @thelastxgoodthing @thereisnolumos @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @thisismexxo @wayward-marvel-sommer1196 @waywardjoy @whit85-blog @wholelottajackles @winchestdiaries @winchester-writes @winchesterprincessbride @winchesters-favorite-girl @winchesters-italian-princess @yaya-snowflakes @yellowtheremarvelfan @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou

[velcro-rave]

post-emoji movie Trauma

WARNING: the following text contains spoilers and can be considered disturbing to some readers. especially my brain, because it’s leaking out my ears after typing this.

This is the first movie ever I’ve gone to see on opening night. And let me just say that, for the record, I’m glad I went to watch with friends. Without them, I would have most likely calmly exited the room, climbed up to the roof, and dived straight off.

I’m honestly fucking terrified of how much this shitty movie has pushed me to the edge. I’ve never felt more ANGRY in my life and at the same time wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. This is so fucked up. What made it possible for this level of psychological warfare to be used so casually by Sony? Why did they decide this was ever a good idea to present to the public? I’m still shaking (and not from the overpriced Coca-Cola I was sold). Whether it’s out of rage or fear, I don’t know. Not even throwing myself into the deep fires of hell can attempt to restore the intrinsic warmth I felt before I witnessed this crime of a movie. They say that there’s a special place reserved below for people who cause enough pain to humanity, and it is at this point where I pose this question to the following:

Tony Leondis. Eric Siegel. Mike White. Michelle Raimo Kouyate.

Why?

Did you want this to happen to me? Was this the plan all along? To destroy everything you could possibly love in the process of creating this film, to make the audience suffer without any remorse? You got PATRICK FUCKING STEWART as a voice actor, and what is it you do?

Yeah, you make him play A WALKING PILE OF SHIT!!!!

Someone could’ve ran up to me after I left the theater, put a shotgun directly up to my forehead, pulled the trigger, and that would have still not come close to how much my mind had been blown at the shocking reality that this movie, this spawn, could exist in the known universe and continue to be shown to innocent people. There were kids there. Hopeful, happy, young kids with iPhones who thought it was a great idea to head off to the movies and watch a funny relatable movie about emojis without a care in the world. Communicating ideas without the use of words is the “staple” of their generation, as the movie so proudly portrays (even comparing it to ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics!), and there’s no reason a family shouldn’t agree to bring their children to this beautiful, heartwarming adventure, right? WRONG.

Nothing could have prepared me for the horrific amount of groan-worthy jokes this movie tossed out. I’ve been wracking my brain for an entire hour trying to remember the most potent ones, but they were so easily forgettable that I can only recall a few offhand. They were tragic. Whenever an opportunity for a shitty pun showed itself, you can bet your ass the writers took it and ran with it to lengths beyond the realms of humor. From the character known as Hi-5′s nonchalant Bye Felicia! to his two puns about snapping (as if one wasn’t enough), I wanted to get up and scream at the ceiling in the hopes that my cries of agony would disrupt the structural integrity of the building and have it fall on top of me, finally freeing me from the slow-cooker of torture that is The Emoji Movie.

At a certain point, Hi-5 (by the way James Corden, I thought you were cool. I thought you were here for us, for all of us as an entertainer, but you just had to take part in ruining me and the world as we know it by accepting this role. I will never forgive you.) mentions something about his heart beating. His… heart? This walking, talking hand has a heart? Does he have lungs? What other internal organs could fit in there and be capable of being slapped around constantly as a result of his stupid ass decisions? Why doesn’t he have arms like Gene or Jailbreak, does his body somehow take into account that he’s already a living appendage? This movie is making me sit and contemplate the anatomy of a fucking animated HAND, and that’s not even as preposterous as a thought can get while watching.

On multiple occasions throughout my viewing experience, I had to take a break to just lean back and sigh, both in anguish of what was happening onscreen as well as the sheer exhausting aspect of it all. The voice acting couldn’t have been more unreliable. Every other line it was a gamble between it being a poorly executed pun delivered so flatly that not even the 4-year old up front let out a little giggle, an obvious statement about what they’re planning to do next, or the most unremarkable snippet of backstory ever revealed. I’m sure all those scenes between Gene and Jailbreak where they gaze at each other were meant to be construed as romantic, but her blasé response to each of his approaches because she “isn’t some princess waiting for her prince” or how “women are deserving of more respect” completely knocked the mood off whatever pedestal it was stepping up to. I get it, these are actual important themes that need to be recognized, and I would be more than happy to see this acknowledged in a movie built on as many metaphors as Zootopia, but the timing of her commentary was the worst I’d ever seen. The constant interruptions made it seem like her words shouldn’t be taken seriously at all!

Unsurprisingly, character background was virtually (unintentional pun. I’m incredibly sorry.) nonexistent, and everything that’s possible to be wondered about the universe could pretty much be answered with a big shrug. For example, why does Hi-5 have a band-aid? Did he get stabbed or something? When did Gene begin to show signs that he was capable of other emotions? Was the Just Dance girl deleted after the trash bin emptied itself out? We didn’t see any signs of the characters going back for her after Hi-5 had to shake off the troll, so did they just leave her there to die? If Jailbreak had been working for a long time to get out, why didn’t she use more of her hacking skills? She pulled up her hologram window things maybe three times total to escape or hide somewhere, does she seriously not have anything else in her repertoire that could potentially help Gene and Hi-5 get to where they need to be quicker? There’s so many questions that don’t even get passively explained. Then again, I’m arguing against the same people who genuinely advocated for the setting to be called Textopolis.

AND WHOSE FUCKING IDEA WAS IT TO MAKE THE MAIN CHARACTER “MEH”??

The ONE emoji with zero interesting qualities and the most monotone parents that, for some fucking batshit insane reason, were given more than the minute of screentime they deserved. I understand for a quick gag, their emotionless response to everything could be funny, but their conversations would just stretch on and on and on. As for Gene, I trusted you, T.J. Miller. I can’t believe you betrayed me, especially after such a hilariously perfect role in Deadpool. Never in my life have I felt so disappointed in a single person. There is no justifiable reason for you to be proud of what you’ve done here. To be honest, I’m pretty sure I astral projected at least three times as I struggled to repress the memory of this trainwreck before it even ended. When I wasn’t desperately clawing at the armrests mid-convulsion, I was staring vacantly at the center of the screen, wondering how this week could have gone so wrong.

This was basically a 91-minute long advertisement. The whiplash of traveling between product placement to product placement nearly made me throw up, which was ostensibly the only thing that could’ve made this worse. Dropbox, Spotify, Candy Crush, Just Dance, YouTube, Facebook, and the almighty Twitter, I hope you’re happy with what you’ve wrought. The “emoji-pop” dance assaulted my eyes so suddenly, acting as the unnecessary cherry on top of the feel-good ending; I think that’s when I officially lost all hope in enjoying the rest of my night.

It’s honestly taking every ounce of my being to hold onto the little bit of life that I have after the Emoji Movie ripped my soul to shreds. The amount of violation I felt as my ears were subjected to endless pop culture references that were relevant years ago, nightmarish depictions of the content of each app on Alex’s phone, and the fact that the god damn Eggplant was in the Unused Emojis room when everyone knows that’s not the case is indescribable. I now have to live with the fact that every time I switch keyboards on my phone, those blank yellow faces will serve as a dark reminder of what I’ve gone through. To any of you reading this that have also watched The Emoji Movie, I am so sorry. I know how difficult it is to process. My recommendation to each and every one of you who haven’t had the chance to witness this sickening spectacle is to KEEP IT THAT WAY. Don’t give in to the peer pressure; this abomination parading itself around as an endearing motion picture will wholly and truly rattle you to the core. My only solace was the complete absence of dabbing or whipping (apart from hearing the song), and I’d like to thank every deity above and below for that small act of mercy.

Here’s to you, Sony. Thanks for ensuring that I not only sink deeper into my depression, but for forcing my mind to house the images I’ve seen today for as long as I live. I wish I could physically bring myself to chuck my phone in a garbage fire, but my entire body has gone numb. Here’s to you, and to all the writers, producers, and directors of this movie that made me sit in a corner pondering how I can possibly live in a future where this monstrosity exists.

Gravely, sincerely,

fuck you, and goodnight.

🖕

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds S07E02 “Proof” review

Episode 02 – Proof

So I am so fucking excited about this season.

I just hope my lovely, cutie Morgan can find it in his ginormous heart to forgive Prentiss, because my heart will literally break if I have to see another scene featuring that offended face of his.

So ....

Let’s see what happens.

So that guy is a homicidal Pinocchio? Gross.

“So you finished the course?”

“And completed my case rotation.”

“Hotch says he’s never seen a rookie profiler analyze and write up cases as well as you.”

Wait, so JJ is officially a profiler now? AWESOME!

“He said that?”

You bet, babe.

“Yeah. Well, after all the cases you presented over the years, I’m not surprised.”

“Hey, where have you been? I wanted to do brunch this weekend.”

“I had to deal with some stuff with my mom. Have you seen Garcia?”

Poodle, I’m about to whoop your cute little butt, what the fuck?

“Uh, she’s with Rossi.”

“He hates me.”

“He was just busy.”

Oh Emily, you cutie BFF, you’re the best.

“Let it go.”

I love her.

“Okay, you can be honest. I can take it.”

“Okay. I prefer my pasta al dente, and the pancetta was a little weird.”

“Oh. That’s ‘cause it’s tofu.”

“Tofu? I give you my recipe and you do an improve?”

I’m with Rossi all the way. I love my veggie goddess, but I love my meat more ... sorry.

“No, no, I followed it down to the micron, aside from the pig.”

“Look, master of all things Italian, I am having a Fellini festival at my house this weekend and I must serve the beautiful food of his country.”

“Maybe you should show a Disney film and stick with burgers.”

WHAT?! Oh my sarcastic Italian stallion.

“You know, Rossi, you could always give Penelope a cooking lesson.”

“Oh, my gosh, that would be amazing.”

Oh my god, Rossi’s ‘thanks for throwing me under the bus, bub’ face makes me smile.

“That would be like – that would be like the Iron Chef meets the BAU. And we could do ait at your house.”

“I don’t have a house, I have a mansion.”

Of course you do XD

“All right, let’s get started.”

Oh my god, JJ handing over the remote to Penelope is the cutest!

“Oh. All right, mes amis. You are jetting to Durant, Oklahoma, because in the last three days, two women have been found dead after being sexually tortured and then blinded with a sulfuric acid solution.”

Yikes.

“Abby Elcott is our first victim. 19-year-old art student. She was headed to campus for an advanced drawing class. She’d been missing for two days. Same goes for our second victim, Beth Westerly, 17. She had just finished her coffee shop shift and was on her way to a bar method class.”

Whew, that’s brutal.

“Both low-risk victims.”

“And physically similar. How close are the two abduction sites?”

“Five miles apart at bus stops. Abby’s cell was found near one, Beth’s scarf near the other.”

“Where are the dump sites?”

“One in an alley, the other in a field.

“So he stapled their eyes open, then he blinded them. It’s about power and control.”

GROSS! Pinocchio, stop it!

“Maybe he didn’t want them to watch while he hurt them.”

“Or it could be about shame. Perhaps the unsub is disfigured himself.”

“Blinding the victims leaves them helpless, lost, totally dependent.”

“It may be a manifestation of how he sees himself in this world.”

“It is a form of enucleation, just without the scalpel. His face is the last they see before darkness.”

“The rest of us, ,wheels up in 30 minutes.”

Mark Twain: “If it is a miracle, any sort of evidence will answer. But if it is fact, proof is necessary.”

“Victimology is very similar. Blond-haired, blue-eyed teenage girls. We believe they were each abducted near public transportation stops.”

“When was this photo taken?”

“Beth was caught on a bank surveillance camera three hours before she disappeared.”

Whoop. Seriously, those bank surveillance cameras are creeping me out.

“That’s a recent photo of Abby.”

“So she wasn’t found in the same clothes she was abducted in.”

“Maybe he changed them because hers were burned by the sulfuric acid.”

“It’s possible. Sulfuric acid can turn human flesh into soap.”

“Garcia, any recent similar cases in the surrounding area?”

“Actually, yes. Two months ago a prostitute and a runaway were both found raped and killed and they had stab wounds to their eyes.”

“So maybe he practiced on high-risk victims first. And then advanced to chemical enucleation.”

“Isn’t that a rare paraphilia?”

“Well, the chemical part is. It would exacerbate the pain.”

“Like Ed Kemper, he’s probably practicing on surrogates before going after the real object of his rage.”

“Dave, you and I will talk to the parents. Morgan and Prentiss, go to the disposal sites. JJ, you and Reid go to the abduction sites.”

Awkward.

“It’s amazing on one witnessed her abduction.”

“Emily was buried six feet under and wound up in Paris, so I guess anything’s possible, right?”

“So that is what this is about.”

Yup.

“Maybe our unsub’s a little bit like Bundy. He feigns injury in order to get her to help him.”

“Look, Spence, if you want to talk about this …”

“Maybe he tried other tactics, like ‘Wow, you’re really pretty’. ‘You should be a model. I can take your photo’.”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“Either one would disarm her.”

“Charm is quite the killer.”

“So are tears.”

Whoa, what the fuck, Spence?

“You smell the urine?”

“I thought that was air freshener.”

XD

“It’s a homeless corridor.”

“This guy’s either homeless or appears to be. He most likely has a car, to get them from the abduction site to here.”

“Just because you’re homeless doesn’t mean you’re careless.”

“It could explain why he chose high-risk victims at first. They were all around him.”

“I know this is difficult, but I need you to look at the clothes that Abby was wearing when we found her.”

“Do you recognize them?”

“Do you find anything odd about Beth’s clothing?”

“You sure?”

“You’re sure?”

What are they trying to make sure of?

“In addition to the blinding, taking their clothes further robs them of their identity.”

“He’s either keeping their garments as souvenirs or re-dressing the victims as a forensic countermeasure.”

“Dressing them in these outfits could be part of the fantasy.”

“Churches, thrift stores. We need to rule everything out.”

“Reid and JJ went to the local thrift shop and found Abby’s clothes.”

“So he sold them.”

Yup.

“Or traded them for the eighties clothing.”

“The sales clerk said the clothes in the crime scene photos were of that time period, and he confirmed that they were purchased from his store.”

“So if he’s getting rid of his souvenirs …”

“What’s he using to remember his victims?”

“And why is he fixated on this era?”

“What do you got?”

“The brutality the victims experienced was immense. Multiple stab wounds to the neck and chest, plus wounds to the genital.”

“Frustration and overkill.”

“The same chemical damage on the skin is also around her nostrils.”

“And that would destroy their sense of smell, yes?”

Yup.

“He burned her tongue with the chemical this time.”

“So he removed her ability to taste.”

“Why would he do that?”

“Maybe she offended him.”

“I wonder what that’s like.”

WHOA.

Poodle, you are pissing me off here.

“Her lips are extremely chapped.”

“She was probably forced to repeatedly participate in some sort of kissing fantasy. And when things go awry, he takes the offending sense away.”

“He tortured her in these clothes, which means the eighties are essential to his delusion.”

“Maybe that’s when his rejection occurred and he held on to the clothes all these years.”

“But why start now?”

“Something probably triggered it, and instead of dealing with it, he’s acting out.”

“We believe the unsub or unknown subject that we’re looking for is a white male in his 40s. This is someone who’s reacting to rejection by a woman when he was teenager in the 1980s.”

“The unsub’s fixation on this woman is now all-consuming. It’s caused him to develop obsessive love disorder.”

“He most likely has tunnel vision and believes that she holds the key to his happiness.”

“And it’s only a matter of time before his rage and anger causes the unsub to go after her directly.”

“Spence. Look, we gotta talk about this.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I get it, okay? You’re disappointed with the way we handled Emily.”

“Listen, I have a lot going on, all right?”

“You know what I think this is?”

“What?”

Ooh, pissy poodle.

“You’re mad that Hotch and I controlled our micro-expressions at the hospital and you wouldn’t be able to detect our deception.”

Seriously?!

“You think it’s about my profiling skills?”

“Jennifer, listen, the only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I trusted you.”

“I came to your house for ten weeks in a row crying over losing a friend, and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth.”

Shit.

“I couldn’t.”

“You couldn’t? Or you wouldn’t?”

Um ...

“No, I couldn’t.”

“What if I started taking Dilaudid again? Would you have let me?”

“You didn’t.”

“Yeah, but I thought about it.”

“Spence.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late, all right?”

Whoa.

“Reid.”

Yikes. This is going to be hard.

“It would have had to have been a woman very close to the unsub to make him react this way.”

“Then why go after surrogates?”

“I don’t think we’re dealing with a typical homeless person.”

“He’s good with chemicals, owns a car.”

“I think the only mistake in our profile was assuming there was something wrong with his physical composition, reducing him to some sort of stereotype.”

“You think it’s only his mental state?”

“I think this guy might be smart enough to use his disability to his advantage so he comes across as harmless.”

“Then when he’s alone and the victim rejects him, he goes off.”

“What if he doesn’t live on the street?”

“What if he’s in a halfway house?”

“Garcia, I need a list of halfway houses and mental health centers in the unsub’s comfort zone.”

“Okay. Five are being sent to your phones.”

“Which of those were around in the eighties, Garcia?”

“There are two in your area.”

“Morgan and Prentiss, take the first. David and I will take the second.”

“What about us?”

“Stay here and check ViCAP for similar MOs and signatures.”

“Reid.”

“If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me.”

“I can’t. I didn’t come to your house crying for ten weeks.”

Oh, my honey baby.

So she has a list. Damn.

“All right, we’ll need a list of those names.”

“Hey, Morgan.”

“What do I do about Reid?”

“Emily, there’s a lot about you being back that’s unresolved.”

“Are you pissed at me, too?”

He better not be.

“Come on, now. How can I be?”

“You’re here.”

“Thank you.”

“Because I know what you went through. Grief counseling. You carried my coffin.”

“Yeah, I sure did.”

“What was in that thing, anyway?”

“I don’t know.”

I WANT TO KNOW!

“Thank you very much.”

“Look, just give Reid some time. He’ll be fine.”

“Thanks.”

“Yeah, Hotch, it’s me, Morgan. Listen, nineteen people entered this house in the eighties who were let out in the last five years.”

“We got eleven from the one we visited.”

Damn.

“Send your names to Garcia. Have her cross-check them against jobs that use sulfuric acid.”

“All right. We’ll start reaching out to the extended families.”

“How’s Reid?”

“He’s angry and frustrated.”

“I’m surprised everybody isn’t.”

“Some of us had an inkling.”

Rossi, you little Italian cupcake.

“What? I’m good at what I do.”

“So, are you gonna get psychological counseling for the team or handle it yourself?”

“No, I think that if we all just got together, maybe a cooking lesson and at the home of one of our founders …”

“Oh, no, not you, too.”

“It could boost morale?”

“Is that an order?”

“No, it’s just a … it’s a very tempered suggestion.”

“Tempered suggestion.”

LOL.

“So we interviewed the nineteen people released from the group home. None of them fit the profile.”

“Dave’s still trying to locate the families.”

“Where are her parents now?”

“They’re at the house. We’re bringing her friends in for questioning.”

“You head over there. We’ll start the interviews here.”

“So kids spill out of the motel towards the cars.”

“If Tammy walked this way, how could she disappear without anyone seeing her?”

“Someone would have heard her scream.”

“That’s if she screamed.”

“Unlike the last three abduction sites, this one is nowhere near public transportation. Maybe she knew the unsub.”

“Or thought she did.”

“What if … what if Tammy was the target all along?”

“That would explain the change in MO.”

“So whoever did this knew she was coming here.”

Calling gorgeous goddess.

“Hi, hi, hi.”

“Hey, baby girl, I need you to work that magic for me.”

“Anything, my sweetest.”

“I just opened up Tammy Bradstone’s computer. I want you to check her emails, web searches, and anyone she may have Skyped.”

“Okay, typing at the speed of thought.”

“Thanks, mama.”

“We’re gonna try, little man.”

This man is seriously the most amazing thing to ever grace my screen.

“Listen, uh, did your sister dye her hair recently?”

“Are you sure that Tammy hasn’t been behaving differently lately/”

“Your daughter seems to cherish hanging out in groups, so there’s no way she would run off with someone unless she knew them.”

“What about her computer?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary, and Hotch cleared the boyfriend.”

“Do you know anyone who is transient or mentally ill?”

“What’s his name?”

“On the halfway house list, all I got was a Ben Bradstone.”

“Where does he live?”

“His frontal lobe damage is one of the indicators of serial killers.”

“Has Cy ever acted inappropriately toward Tammy?”

“Okay, so he sleeps here sometimes, and his head is on this side.”

“That puts the TV out of his sight.”

“Well, it just gives him a full view of the kitchen.”

“Does Tammy cook for him?”

“Ma’am, what’s your relationship with Cy?”

“He makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t he?”

“Did you have blonde hair in high school?”

“Sir, your daughter just dyed her hair blonde.”

“You allowed her to wear your dress.”

“I’m just thinking it may have triggered something for Cy.”

“What happened with you and Cy that made him so angry?”

“And what happened next?”

“How did he behave after that?”

“How he talked, how he smelled?”

“Does Cy know about your recent marital problems?”

“And then he probably started making advances towards you, which you had to reject.”

“Okay, so as long as Tammy doesn’t do anything to antagonize him, we may have a chance.”

Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.

“How do you know he’s here?”

“So then you head to the front door.”

“When you open it, what do you smell?”

“Are you sure that’s all you smell?”

“What does he do next?”

“Where’s it from?”

“Is there a name on the cup?”

“Okay. He probably stops there every time he comes here.”

“What days would those be?”

“Which means he’d be coming today.”

“I need you to leave a message for him there.”

“Any luck?”

“He hasn’t been to either of the mechanics’ shops in the past two months.”

“But the one on Fourth said a bunch of car batteries had gone missing.”

“Wait …”

Gorgeous goddess calling.

“Yeah?”

“Morgan, it’s from a payphone near a coffee shop.”

“It’s him.”

Boom.

“Okay, go ahead. Just like we talked about.”

“You and Prentiss stay with them. Morgan and I will get the front.”

“Cy Bradstone! FBI!”

“Let me see your hands!”

“On your knees, now!”

“Get up.”

“Stop moving. Stop it!”

“We need to know where Tammy is, Cy. We’ve looked in your car. There’s no sign of her.”

“We know this isn’t about Tammy. This is about your love for Lyla.”

“You and Lyla had a pretty good secret all these years. How’d she get you to shut up about it?”

“Is that where you, uh, did it, Cy?”

“Is that the same place you took Tammy?”

“We know you saw her in that dress, it made you think of Lyla.”

“Tammy’s not the one you want to hurt, Cy. Lyla’s the one who should be punished.”

“She’s the one who made you feel like a freak.”

“A reject, a weirdo.”

“Tell us where Tammy is, Cy, and we can be done.”

“Finished?”

“Now, where’s Tammy, Cy?”

“Cy, just tell me where she is.”

“What did she say, Cy?”

“Where do you have her?”

“She’s got a pulse.”

“I need a medic in here!”

“Oh, jeez.”

Scott Adams: “Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.”

“So, the surgeon said he believes he can restore feeling to Tammy’s hands.”

“Good. We got there in time.”

“I heard Mr. Bradstone wants to watch the tape.”

“People have an innate curiosity to see things in order to confirm them.”

“Oh, that explains why I’m going to Rossi’s tomorrow night.”

“I want to see if he really can cook.”

“You coming?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure I can make it.”

“Look, Reid, I know you’re made at us because we didn’t tell you what really happened, and I understand that.”

“But I promise you, we had no choice.”

“You mourned the loss of a friend.”

“I mourned the loss of six.”

“This whole thing gave me an ulcer. Please don’t give me another.”

“Are you gonna go to Rossi’s tomorrow?”

“We’ll see.”

Oh, Prentiss.

“Cooking is the most sensual art form. And these are my paints.”

“So your hands must be brushes.”

“Don’t interrupt.”

I love this show so fucking much!

“In a pot of boiling water we cook our spaghetti until it’s al dente, firm to the touch.”

“Here you go.”

“Everybody pass it around.”

“See/Feel the texture.”

“There we go. Okay.”

“Now …”

“In a large pan, we fry up our pancetta.”

So fucking cute!

“Keeping a sharp eye that the edges are crisp.”

“Be careful not to burn the onions.”

“Bravo, Aaron!”

XD

“We sauté until translucence.”

Ding dong.

“Uh … I got it.”

“Grazie mille.”

So cute.

“Now, we mix in the eggs … the parmesan … the spaghetti … and parsley.”

“You see, it’s all about timing and rhythm.”

Busted.

I’m with Penelope here XD

“And if you don’t feel yourself doing it properly, please, order a pizza.”

“Sorry, I’m late.”

“Yeah. And this is why I cook alone.”

He’s so freaking cute!

“So, uh, when do we get to drink the wine?”

“Almost there.”

“Okay. We start at the beginning.”

“You eat what you cook, I’ll supervise, but we’re gonna do this all together, just like a family.”

“Okay now?”

“Now.”

“Salud!”

“Salud!”

“I’m reaching!”

She’s so cute!

Oh my freaking goodness! This episode was perfect on every possible level!!!!!!

It had the usual grossness of the case and the un sub, slight humor even though I wanted to bash Cy’s head in the wall. It had the internal drama surrounding Prentiss’s return, which will only serve to further the season’s plot and I’m so excited about it. It had humor with the whole Rossi trying to keep the team at bay and not let him in, which will never work so long as Penelope is part of the team. And it had emotional value with Reid, and of course my gorgeous Morgan being cute towards kid and finally forgiving Prentiss. And then the whole wrapping it up with the perfect dinner at Rossi’s, I just love the writers and producers of this show.

As ever, so freaking grateful that you guys take the time to like my stupid brain vomits. THANK YOU!

And, as ever, here is a series of Reid/Morgan-licious photos.

[multiple-fandomimagines]

Avengers & Guardians Family Masterlist *updated 2/12/19*

NONE OF THESE ARE MINE!!! I did NOT write any of these! I believe they are amazing fanfics, written by insanely talented people, and deserve to be shared. ALL CREDIT GOES TO THE AUTHORS!!! 

Marvel Masterlist  Marvel Smut Masterlist 

Tony & Avengers Team

Silent Ilien by everythingispoetry (Parent Tony Stark)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Tony is bringing up his autistic son. The world - and the Avengers - are oblivious. They just think Tony is being typical self when he disobeys orders or just disappears. Encounters through years. Pepper, Rhodey, Natasha, Steve, Thor, Bruce, Clint, the team, JARVIS. Bonus: Phil.

An Ever Watchful Eye by torianmist (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Guardian Angels come in all shapes and sizes and are not always who you think they may be.

I Really Do Trust You by tsjn (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) The team does a very different version of trust falls. Tony, dealing with the aftermath of New York, doesn't participate. The team starts to wonder if Tony really trusts them. Or Tony tries too hard not to disappoint, and has a panic attack because of it.

Not Fighting by arianapeterson19 (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Fury had no room to complain, he had known what would happen if he made Tony sit through one more meeting without providing decent coffee. He didn't have to be such a dick about it. Or the one where Fury is a shit and the Avengers have some forced bonding.

In Deep Water by itsallAvengers (Steve Rogers x Tony Stark)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) The Avengers want a pool. Tony can arrange that for them. He can. The thought doesn’t fill him with horrible, daunting dread and crippling fear. Not at all. (Or maybe denial does more harm than good)

Submerge by Oceanbreeze7 (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Not many people escape being a Prisoner of War untouched. Lucky (unluckily) for Tony, he wasn't entirely the exception. Besides, water is a terrifying thing.

Division of the Heart by TylerM (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Tony Stark is sick. Surely that's not going to be a problem? When he doesn't tell the team a normal cold is a little more complicated with the Arc Reactor, things get a little out of hand.

Grown Now by TylerM (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Loki de-ages Tony Stark, and the team have to now deal with a tiny four year old who is nothing like the Tony they're used to, and nothing like they'd expect him to be as a child.

Sick Games by arianapeterson19(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Anyone who locked Tony in a room with electronics was either stupid or insane. Or both. OR The one where everyone gets kidnapped and Tony’s not exactly useless.

Me and Myself by Kyu_Momo (Insecure Tony Stark)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) "Tony! If you could just be a little less like you we would all like you a lot more!“

Expendable by Kelady (Steve Rogers x Tony Stark)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Tony's expendable and he knows it. So why is the whole team in his hospital room, worried? or Tony gets stabbed by Loki and he learns exactly how much they care. Hint. It's a lot.

TONY STARK, PRESUMED DEAD by Kelady (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Tony Stark's house is blown up on National television. Of course, the remaining Avengers are going to find out. This is what they do while Tony Stark is Presumed Dead.

 Not just a team, but a family. by Thebookofavenging (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Post the arc-reactor surgery, tony wakes up to find the avengers in his hospital room and needless to say he is a little surprised by it. Fluff and Confusion ensues.

Ghosts by madwamoose (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) The Avengers have been placed under a spell. Each day, a ghost of a member of the team will haunt them until they face their worst fear and stick up to it.

It Only Hurts a Little (He's Lying Through His Teeth) by F-117 Nighthawk (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Two times Tony hid the fact that the arc reactor was causing him pain and one time Pepper didn't let him.

The Triggers List by TeaSpent (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) After the first 'incident', the triggers list was made. Stuck on to the fancy fridge in the Avenger's Tower with a purple smiley face magnet, the paper has everyone’s name's on it, as well as a bulleted list of triggers. Well, that is, everyone except for Tony.

Truth, Secrets, Mind by Kelady (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) The Avengers team is thrown in to Tony's mind and they are shown some of Tony's bad past.

I Don't Like To Be Handed Things by Kelady (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Tony Stark doesn't like to be handed things. The avengers find out why.

Not a Soldier by SailorChibi (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) When a villain kidnaps the team and demands sex in exchange for the team's freedom, the obvious choice to offer up is the person who has the most experience (and the worst reputation). Unfortunately, Tony didn't actually consent.

Stuck with us by petroltogo (Tony Stark & Avengers Team)(High School AU) Prompt fill: can u write like a hs au, with avengers as a group of friends. they act like they think tony doesn't have feelings, they seem to never take him seriously and they often tease him or laugh at sth that actually hurts him (they dont know that it makes him feel bad) he usually just takes it, because he thinks he deserves it. but then he has just the worst day ever, and they make some comment abt sth and he just breaks and starts crying, cause he just wants someone to care abt him. they comfort him.

The Star-Spangled Man With A Plan by Mistfire24 (Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Tony is forced to clean out and organize his father's old things. He finds a special surprise that he can't wait to share with the rest of the team. OR Everyone is laughing because Steve Rodgers, A.K.A. Captain America is dressed in SPANDEX

Fix You by Princess_Aleera (Clint Barton x Tony Stark)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) “Hello, Tony. I want to play a game.“ Tony is taken by the Jigsaw Killer and forced to endure five grueling tasks - each of them representing one of his teammates. The same teammates who, on Jigsaw’s orders, are forced to watch every second of Tony’s torture on a set of monitors. “Hello, Avengers. Today, you are not here to save anyone. You are here to help with the clean-up, for once in your life.”

The Tony Stark Squad by BellaP (Tony Stark Defense Squad)(Not Team Cap Friendly)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Because Tony does have loyal friends, and they are not happy with the Avengers.

Me Without You by Wix (Tony Stark Defense Squad)(Not Team Cap Friendly)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) Tony’s moving on, slowly and one piece at a time, but he’ll get there eventually. With a little help along the way.

We Are Tony’s People [part one, part two, part  three] by Tempest_Raining (Tony Stark Defense Squad)(Not Team Cap Friendly)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) The first time the Exvengers walked into the refurbished compound after three-and-a-half years of sitting in Wakanda they are met with some of the more… vindictive people on Tony’s roster. Or, I just wanted to experiment with Rhodey, Doc Strange, Matt, Foggy, Jessica and FRIDAY working together to confront/warn the Exvengers.

Contractually Obligated [part one, part two, part three]by poetically_ordinary (Tony Stark x Stephen Strange)(Tony Stark Defense Squad)(not team cap friendly)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) When the wayward Avengers finally sign the Sokovia Accords, they return to a place that is no longer like they remember it to be. Everyone must come together to portray a united front to the world. Even if that’s the last thing happening behind the scenes.

Tony Stark is Not a Supervillain (But his Poker Group All Are) by DaughteroftheSilverMoon (Tony Stark & Marvel Villains)(Tony Stark & Avengers Team) A superhero walks into a room full of villains- and they play poker and give him a drink. After all, it’s the polite thing to do. Only then they get to liking him, and all of a sudden they’re slaying dragons for the good guys. It’s very disconcerting, but kind of nice.

Avenger’s Game of Tag by athletiger (Steve Rogers x Tony Stark) It wasn’t supposed to go on this long, but it just…happened. It started off as a child’s game of tag, but the Avengers just had to evolve it into something long and glorious, collateral damage included. Inspired by Jeremy Renner’s new film “Tag.” In theaters June 15.

Broken by NotEvenCloseToStraight (Tony Stark x Avengers Team) It took months of therapy for Bucky to break his Winter Soldier conditioning, and Steve was there for him, encouraging him to talk about his past, his fears, his time as the Soldier. And Bucky talked about everything– except why the barest mention of an Alpha makes him panic. When Steve brings Bucky home, Alpha!Tony is ready to welcome Bucky with open arms and wings, but Bucky can’t look at him, can’t be in the same room without his wings flaring out to keep the Alpha away, a broken Omega panicking in the presence of a strong Alpha. But Tony is a good Alpha, and the team pulls together to help Bucky, showing him what it means to be loved, to be healthy and whole, and one day when Tony holds his hand out, Bucky trusts him enough to take it. And Bucky realizes that with a family behind him, with the safety hes found in the Omegas, the companionship from the Betas, and the unconditional love from the Alpha–HIS alpha, he isn’t broken at all. But with a team like the Avengers, tragedy is never far off, and this one rocks the family to their core. How can they fix the broken pieces of their lives when their Alpha is gone?

Peter Parker & Avengers Team

In The Home by aloneintherain (Peter Parker & Avengers Team) The Avengers have been infected, turned violent and aggressive against their will. And Peter, the only one unaffected, is trapped inside the Tower with six feral teammates.

He’s Ours To Protect by ImaKaraTabiHe (Parent Tony Stark)(Steve Rogers x Tony Stark)(Kid Peter Parker & Avengers Team) Things are going well at the Tower since Peter was adopted. At least, they were before someone from Peter’s past reappeared.

The Sun Will Come Out  by aloneintherain (Peter Parker & Avengers Team)  The Avengers bombard Peter’s place of employment, meet his awful boss, and ruin a man’s life. Peter quietly suffers

Working For A Miracle by ImaKaraTabiHe (Peter Parker & Avengers Team) Peter’s alone in the world, struggling to be both Peter Parker and Spider-Man. Sometimes he feels so low, he wonders if he’s living, if it’s worth it. Maybe miracles take some work though?

Fitting In (Tiny Spaces) by aloneintherain (Peter Parker & Avengers Team) Peter’s trapped beneath a collapsed building during a mission, hurt and unable to move. Luckily, his comm still works. Unluckily, the Avengers don’t realize how bad of a state Peter is in, and Peter isn’t inclined to tell them.

Peter’s International Debut by ImaKaraTabiHe(Peter Parker & Avengers Team) “Where the fuck were you!?” It comes out as more of a yell than he would’ve liked, but his control is slipping and all the anger, fear, and hurt are crashing out. In which Peter comes back on a Sunday and he has good reasons to be ticked at the Avengers for leaving him behind to go on a mission.

5 Times Spider-Man Saved an Avenger’s Ass by TunaFishChris(Peter Parker & Avengers Team) What it says on the tin.

Peter & Wanda BFF’s [part one, part two, part three] by TunaFishChris (Peter Parker & Avengers Team)(Peter Parker & Wanda Maximoff) Nobody’s thrilled at the idea of “that kid” Peter Parker on the Avengers team. Nobody’s thrilled at the idea of “that weirdo” Wanda Maximoff on the team, either. Until they disappear, that is. Or, the one where Peter and Wanda are besties and the other Avengers are jerks until they realize how important and awesome they both are.

With Arms Wide Open by xSeshatx (Peter Parker & Avengers Team) 5 times the Avengers helped Peter Parker, and the 1 time Peter Parker helped the Avengers

Peter Parker is a ridiculously nice person by NeighbourhoodGay(Peter Parker & Avengers Team) The realization that Spider Man is in fact the sweetest human being on the planet takes the Avengers by surprise.

void by thepensword (Peter Parker & Avengers Team)(Infinity War Spoilers) He wakes up gasping. For a moment, all he sees is blackness, and he is searching for air that feels as though it will never again enter his lungs. He feels numbness and pain as one, terror and despair racing through his veins, and he thinks this is what it must feel like for the world to end. Peter in the void, after the war.

here comes the sun by porcelaincarnival (Peter Parker & Tony Stark)(Peter Parker & Avengers Team) No one believes that Peter interns at Stark Industries, so when the class takes a field trip there, Peter can’t help but be a little upset about it

Peter Quill & Guardians Team

Breathe by ren (Peter Quill & Team) Peter has asthma. The team don’t know about this until he suddenly has a severe attack in the middle of a battle. To make matters worse, they don’t know what it is in the first place or how to make him better.

Unpack Your Heart by aloneintherain (Peter Quill & Team) The Guardians are captured and Peter is taken to their captors to be questioned. Instead of torturing him, however, the interrogator injects him with a truth drug. Due to his hybrid nature, however, the serum works a little too well: Peter can’t shut up and starts babbling whatever comes into his mind. Frustrated, his captors throw him back into the cell to let the serum wear off. Unfortunately, that means that the Guardians are stuck with a drugged up Peter who can’t stop talking!

If You Need Me, Call Me by AutumnHobbit (Guardians of The Galaxy x Avengers) They’ve all got their issues, and their own unique patterns of brokenness. Except now, they also have each other’s backs. Or: Five Times The Avengers Helped The Guardians, And One Time The Guardians Helped The Avengers.

Darcy Lewis & Avengers Team

Avengers Means Family (a cautionary tale) by moontyrant (Darcy Lewis x Avengers)(Big Brother Avengers) Darcy's cheating (ex)boyfriend won't give her stuff back after she leaves him, and it's up to the Avengers to make it right.

Darcy is Done! by Caiti (Darcy Lewis & Avengers) Darcy is the all-around gofer for these people, and she's sick and tired of not getting thanked. She is going on strike.

Reader & Avengers

Always Remembered by WinterReadingerDixon67 (Bucky Barnes x Reader)(Reader & Avengers)  Reader finds out her grandfather has passed away and now attends his funeral with Bucky and the team at her side.

What We Do For Our Own by isntthatjustmarvelous (Avengers & Reader) You experience something traumatic, but your super secret boyband are there to help. And to discuss revenge.

Avengers Team & Team Free Will (Supernatural)

The Touch Point by The67ImpalaDragonChild (Avengers Team & Clint Barton & Team Free Will) When Clint Barton was young, he met two boys. Two boys that became closer to him than his own brother. Years later, Clint is now an Avenger, and his two adoptive brothers are the deadliest hunters in the United States. If not the world. They’re closer than ever. And when Clint is snatched directly from the aftermath of a battle by a face from his past, and only has a few minutes to call for help, Clint makes a call to Natasha Romanov… And Dean Winchester. Now Avengers and Hunters alike must race against time and work together to find Clint. Before his time runs out.

An Occasional Matter of Family by dare_to_do_our_duty (Tony Stark & The Winchester Brothers) In which Tony Stark is related to Sam and Dean Winchester and they drop in on occasion when nobody is busy saving the world. And sometimes when everyone is busy saving the world.

[stcrytcllerxinspo]

WHAT HURTS THE MOST | SELF PARA

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go But I’m doing it It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts, mental illness

Devon had thought anything of it at the time, but it was a really good thing that his mum had taken Alyssa for the day. Because his mental state had reached a major low. His mind had spiraled so far downhill over the past year that he wasn’t sure of anything anymore. He had spent the past twelve months since Jade’s death torn between normal grief and absolute hopelessness. The worst part? He hadn’t told a single person about just how bad it had gotten. That meant that he was fighting a battle entirely on his own and he was getting closer and closer to giving up.

Today just might be that day.

It was two in the afternoon and he hadn’t eaten. He had slept until 12:45, sent Alyssa out with his mum at 12:56, and then he had immediately retreated to the basement-turned-weight-room. He spent the next hour hitting the punching bag with every ounce of energy he had left, until finally, he barely had any strength at all.

He took a deep breath as he sat on the floor, combing his fingers through his sweat-soaked hair. He could feel his mind deteriorating, slowly eating him alive. He was dying, he was sure of it. And maybe, just maybe, he no longer cared. It was an awful thought, especially now that Alyssa was in the picture, but his mind was so full of negativity, living him unable to think about anything except how badly he wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

He sat there for about twenty minutes before stumbling to his feet, shaking as he went back upstairs. Everything was a blur as he found himself opening the door to Jade’s art studio. He was suddenly surrounded by all the projects that his beloved wife would never get to finish. Just another reminder that she was dead and she wasn’t coming back.

There had been a reason he kept the door shut and refused to let anyone inside the room. Part of him didn’t want anyone touching Jade’s stuff, as if he was convinced that she would walk through that door, sit at her easel, and continue the work that she had started. Another part of his reasoning was the fact that it had become his private getaway and he didn’t want anyone walking in on him crying as he surrounded himself with Jade’s undeniable talent, creativity, and passion. How could such a bright light burn out so soon? At just nineteen years old? And Jade didn’t just die. She was murdered.

He approached Jade’s latest piece, staring mindlessly at the unfinished painting. It was going to be of them together, on their wedding day. God, she was so talented. Why? Why did she have to die? Why couldn’t she have stayed at home while he went to the store by himself? At least Alyssa wouldn’t have had to grow up without a mother. Jade’s parents wouldn’t have lost their daughter. Maddie wouldn’t have lost her best friend.

Turning away from the unfinished painting, he went to sit at the drawing table, reaching for his phone that he had left there the night before. He sniffled, unlocking the device and pulling up his saved videos. The first one he opened was of him and Jade during one of their date nights, during which they had left Alyssa with his mum before returning home and snuggling up in bed.

“Anna, thank you for giving birth to him.” Jade giggled from behind the camera, pointing it at Devon.

“Babe, you’re embarrassing me. Stop.” Devon chuckled, covering his face with a pillow. But Jade was having none of that, laying beside him and pulling the pillow away from him before kissing his cheek.

“Your accent’s sexy.” She giggled before giving him another kiss. Devon laughed, his eyes and nose crinkled as he pressed his face against her hair. “Like, I have to be the luckiest girl that ever came from our high school because I got the hot British guy. Honestly,” She played with his hair. “I love it.”

Devon laughed harder. “You started this video speaking to me mum and now you’re hitting on me!”

“Don’t judge me.” Jade nudged him, although she couldn’t help laughing a bit herself. Devon put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her head, looking towards the TV. She snuggled up to him and rested her head on his shoulder. “Besides, it’s not like I’m bragging about our amazing sex life.”

Now, that just about killed him. “Babe, oh my god—” His voice was between a laugh and a groan. “You’re doing this on purpose.”

Jade smirked, her fingers trailing up and down his ribcage. “Maybe I am. What are you gonna do about it, sir?” She taunted in an exaggerated British accent, trying her best to imitate his own. Devon snickered as he looked at the camera, his arm wrapped tightly around Jade.

“You’ll find out.”

“Hey!” Jade slapped his chest. “No fair…”

“Yeah? Oh well.” He chuckled, rubbing her upper arm and resting his head against hers. Then Jade suddenly became a little more serious, smiling softly as she looked up at him.

“I love you.” She whispered, touching his cheek.

Devon gently kissed her forehead. “I love you too.” He murmured, their noses now touching as they looked at each other with loving eyes. Almost two years into their marriage and everything seemed so perfect. They were on top of the world and nothing could destroy what they had.

Ever.

Tears had begun to fill Devon’s eyes as he opened another video, the very last one they ever took together. It was filmed only a week before she died. Just one week later and she would be struck down by a single bullet, and no one had any idea.

“Alyssa, come here!” Jade cooed as the two year old toddled in the sand. “Come to mommy!”

“You havin’ fun, love?” Devon said as he followed their daughter, who babbled as she picked up a sea shell and showed it to him. “Wow, look at that. Why don’t we put it in your special basket, yeah? Now, go see your mummy. She’s calling you.”

The camera panned to Jade, who was absolutely glowing as she held out her arms for Alyssa. Devon watched as Alyssa ran over to Jade, squealing as her mother picked her up. Jade looked over at the camera and waved, giggling as she spun their daughter around.

“She loves the beach, doesn’t she?” Devon chuckled as he walked closer, while Alyssa pointed at some  birds that flew by. Alyssa smiled at the camera, while Jade lovingly kissed her cheek.

“She does. Now, gimme the phone. I wanna film you.” She took the phone from her husband, turning the camera on him. In response, he gave two thumbs up, although he was clearly blushing. “Babe, stop being camera shy. You look hot. I like the scruff.”

“And I like your bikini.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “You should remove that cover-up and show it off more.”

“Dev, not in front of our daughter. Goodness…”

“What?” Devon laughed. “I’m just saying. Maybe we could check into a hotel and me mum could drive up here, and watch our kiddo. If she asks why, just say we’re busy, which wouldn’t be a lie–”

“Devon Carson Prescott!”

Apparently, Devon found it very amusing because he was laughing even harder now as he walked closer to the camera. Suddenly, Jade squealed, as a response to Devon giving her a playful slap on the behind as he walked past her. She flipped him off, even though she was now laughing too.

“Your daddy is an idiot, Lyss.” She giggled. “A cute idiot, but still an idiot.”

Devon couldn’t stand to watch anymore. He had officially snapped and in a fit of anger, he threw his phone across the room. It was a good thing that their videos were also saved to his laptop, otherwise the now broken phone would be a huge problem.

Shaking, he walked to the master bathroom and slammed the door shut, not paying any attention to the photograph that had fallen off the wall and shattered. But something about that sound triggered something in him. The loud crash took him back to a day that he wanted so desperately to forget. Suddenly, he was back in that convenience store, listening to the single shot that killed the love of his life.

Devon gripped his hair as he paced the bathroom, choking back sobs. The emotions were building inside of him, leaving him only seconds away from exploding. Until he finally snapped, throwing his fist at the mirror and watching it shatter into a million pieces. A disturbing thought crossed his mind at that moment as he looked down at the shards of glass. What if he could be with her again? What if he could abandon this life and join Jade on the other side?

Almost as if being controlled by an outside force, he sat on the floor with his back pressed against the wall, reaching for a piece of glass. Without a second thought, he pressed it against his wrist, squeezing his eyes shut.

I’ll see you soon, Jade.

He made a single cut on his wrist, watching as the blood began to flow. Then he made another…and another…and another…

In the middle of his desperate attempt at relief, he didn’t hear Jax calling for him.

“Dev? You here, bro? I tried calling your phone, but it was disconnected or something. You might wanna get it checked out.”

Time no longer existed for Devon in that moment. His mind was clouded as he once again pressed the glass to his arm, shaking with desperation, panic, and anger. He wanted to see Jade. He wanted his Jade back. He wanted to hold her in his arms again. Although, he wasn’t even sure if he was really trying to die. He didn’t know what he was thinking. He just knew that he was hurt and scared and he wanted relief from his pain.

“Shit, what are you doing?”

Suddenly, Jax was snatching the glass from him, and he wasn’t even in his right mind enough to get it back. He just lowered his arm and stared mindlessly ahead, shaking. He didn’t even flinch when his best friend began tending to his cuts. He was practically unresponsive, at least for that moment.

“They’re gonna kill us. They killed her and now they’re gonna kill us. Jax, we have to get out of here!” Devon said desperately.

“Hey, hey, what are you talking about? No one’s here except you and me–”

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! THEY HAVE GUNS, DAMMIT! THEY’RE GONNA KILL US! THEY KILLED MY JADE AND NOW THEY’RE GONNA KILL US!” Devon screamed at him, trying to get away from his grip. But Jax was stronger, and he wrapped his arms around the hysterical boy, desperately trying to calm him.

“Devon!” He raised his voice in an effort to get Devon’s attention. “Man, snap out of it. No one is here. We’re at your house, in your bathroom, and it’s just you and me. No else. You’re okay. We’re safe.”

Something in Devon changed all of a sudden. Alertness returned and he looked up at Jax with absolutely confusion.

“W-what? Jax, what am I—”

He immediately noticed that panic and concern in Jax’s eyes, slowly looking down at his now bandaged arm. He shook his head and started to back away, only for Jax to grab him and pull him into a tight hug. Now that he was fully in his own mind again, he was scared. Very, very scared. Had he almost tried to kill himself? He almost left his daughter without any parents at all? What was he thinking, if anything at all?

“Dev,” Jax whispered. “You need help. You were screaming at me about….”

Dev gulped heavily as he stood up, everything spinning around him. He felt so dizzy and weak…he’d had episodes like this before, in moments of intense stress, but this was on a whole new level. It had reached a point of actually being frightening.

“Man, you need a hospital. You’re losing it.” Jax said, holding out his hands to steady Devon.

“NO!” Devon yelled, shrugging of his hands. “Leave me alone! Just..” He was shaking too much to remain standing and he lost his balance, collapsing into Jax’s arms.

He was done.

He was so very done.

He broke down in Jax’s arms and he listened as his friend called 911. It was only a matter of time before he cracked and it seemed that he had finally reached his breaking point.

But was it totally over?

Of course not. It would never be over, because the events that led to this moment would haunt him for the rest of his life.

[philanthropics]

i had people telling me to watch 13 reasons why but idk why dont you like it? (i dont think i care to watch it i just wanna hear why you dont like it :3c)

I LITERALLY LOVE TALKING SHIT ABOUT THIS SHOW. Thank you for asking me omg.

I’ve watched it twice, let me start with that. However, I did not read the book, so I’m not sure if there are any things that I’m missing out on by not reading it. After watching the show though, I don’t really have an interest in reading it. And before I start talking about the negatives, let me talk about the things that I did like about the show.

I really liked the storytelling aspect of it (but I hated the story.) The cinematography was pretty dope, it had a lot of artsy shots that I really liked. Some places and scenes were very aesthetically pleasing to me. The cast is pretty diverse and surprisingly has several lgbt characters. And the music was pretty banging. There wasn’t a single song that I hated during the whole show. When I watched it with friends on my second watch through, it was their first. They were confused during bits of the show if scenes were flashbacks or happening current day. I struggled with it too, but I think that miiiiiight have been on purpose as we watched the main protagonist, Clay, struggle with some mental issues in which he would have a hard time deciphering if things were happening today or in the past.

Things I hated about it (parts will contain spoilers):

I’m not going to talk too much about how it romanticizes suicide and talks about cutting in a super bad way and stuff because there are already posts about that on tumblr that do a better job explaining why it’s bad. I think the show was trying to show Hannah Baker as being deep or like an eye-opener, which isn’t necessarily bad, I just thought it felt a little uncomfortable for me.

A friend of mine said that the show just felt so /real/ and that’s why she enjoyed it so much. However, there honestly wasn’t much in it that did feel real to me. The relationships between children and their parents was one that I did not have with mine at all. While I did like Clay’s parents as characters, there was something about them that felt so “tv show parents” to me. The high school, which I heard was actually a real school that used to film the show in, felt fake too. This is suuuuuuper picky but it bothers me when shows set up high school as a place with no dress codes, everyone is looking attractive, and like everyone has a tattoo in /high school/.

The show focuses on the tapes to tell Hannah’s story. What kind of pretentious person just assumes that other people have systems that can play tapes?? At times, Hannah seems as though she could be an unreliable narrator. At one point she says that there are many sides to a story, which I find strange. She openly admits that there are many views to how something happened, but she’s placing blame on a person in each tape without hearing the other person’s story.

Now some of these people really are fucked up. And by some of them, I mean like two. Two of them I think are pretty gross and bad and should get in trouble for something. But like, the other 11 (or… 10 actually. It’s stupid) are just people that may have done a shitty thing or two. The level of what shitty thing they did ranges. Everyone seems to hate Courtney, this girl who drunkenly made out with Hannah. She was scared when someone took a picture of them kissing so she avoided Hannah and then later told someone that it was Hannah and another girl that were making out. (People dislike her cus she is pretty fake, but that didn’t particularly bother me). Anyways, so here you have this girl who is scared about coming out with her sexuality and she is given some blame for Hannah’s death. Another person who was blamed for her death was this guy that raped Hannah. Like, that guy is a piece of shit. But I don’t really see how he is like Courtney at all.

Something I don’t like about the show is how Hannah is portrayed. I didn’t necessarily even care about her. I didn’t dislike her, I just felt very neutral towards her. The actress who portrayed her wasn’t bad or anything, I just think there is something about the way she was written that felt very bland to me. One thing that I don’t like about her though is I felt like she wouldn’t take responsibility for anything. Almost the entire show was her blaming other people for her killing herself. I’m not sure what she thought this passive-aggressive way of telling her story was going to accomplish. People that felt like they wronged Hannah before listening to the tapes would feel even guiltier while the people that didn’t give a shit about her when she was alive would feel nothing. So in a way, these tapes are only punishing the people that already were suffering, like Clay.

ALSO this bothered me and one of my friends but the other one never said anything but it was SUPER BAD FOR ME. One of the characters is like /maybe/ a senior at high school but his actor is like 26 or something and that’s fine for most characters but he LOOKS it. Once your in college and you see a bunch of freshmen that just graduated from high school, you know what seniors in high school are supposed to look like. This guy /looks/ like he’s 30. It really bothered me watching him interact with all these people that could pull off “tv show high schooler” cus then it made everyone else look older too.

I heard reports that there has been a rise of high school aged students self harming and stuff because of this show. I do think it’s sad, but I also think that this show isn’t meant for high school aged people (it is rated MA). I think if you /know/ that if something in it will trigger you then you shouldn’t watch it, but otherwise I do recommend watching it at least once (I forced my friends to watch it during finals week and we all had a laugh) so that way you can decide if you if you hate it or love it.

Because honestly, I think that if the story/plot wasn’t pure shit and the writing was better, this could have been a good show (if they changed the whole suicide and tapes. Maybe they could have made it an anti bullying thing or something). Like story wise I give it a 1.2/5 but for music, editing, cinematography and all that jazz I give it a 4/5. I might even watch it again so I can feel angry at the wasted potential.

[hamilficsfordays]

New Beginning—Chapter Seven: Off Her Meds

Disclaimer: I try to display the struggles of an abuse victim as accurately as I can.

Also posted on Ao3

Summary: Lin and Vanessa get a sense of what Alexa is like when she’s not on her medication.

Rating: M for language, mentions of cutting/self-harming, mentions of sexual abuse of a child, mentions of rape.

Words: 6932 (Ah yes, the return of comically long chapters)

Askbox / Masterlist / Chapter Six / Chapter Eight

Tags:

@promisesandmore @justanotherfanficreader

They got lunch, picked up her prescription and headed home together. Her Zoloft was prescribed to take once a day in the morning, leaving her without medication until the next day.

Lin elected to watch The Little Mermaid in lieu of turning on the news when they got home, a welcome distraction from the constant talk about their family. Seeing her curled up on the couch in a blanket for the first time in a long time, he took to twitter.

@Lin_Manuel: You are so loved and SO important.

@Lin_Manuel: The Miranda family needs to take a personal day.

The second tweet included a photo, a shot of Alexa on the couch and highly engrossed with what was on TV.

As he continued to scroll through twitter, a few news outlets had released the information that the four boys seen on video the night of the assault had been released from custody and given a trial date. Though he was relieved they would be put on trial, the thought of them being out in the open was disappointing. Alexa didn’t notice his reaction to this news, as her eyes never left the TV.

As the day went on, one constant remained: she never left the couch. She was fixated on the screen. She didn’t speak, she didn’t even shift, just remained in the same spot. Breathing; existing.

“I think I should take her to work with me,” Lin whispered into the phone from his office, calling Vanessa who was still at work to express his concerns.

“Is she still out there?”

Lin peeked out of his room and into the living room. “She hasn’t moved an inch.”

“Maybe this is how she processes.” she offered. “It’s the first time she’s been with us in a while. She could just be re-adjusting.”

“I mean, it can’t hurt to get a distraction, can it? I’m worried about her. I’ve never seen her like this.”

“Are you sure you want to bring her there, though? It’s kind of an overwhelming environment.”

Lin shook his head. “It’s a place full of people who love and support her. She can hang back in my dressing room during the show. It’s just something else to do.”

Vanessa shrugged. “I guess.”

He hung up and stepped back out into the living room only to find Alexa in nearly the same position she was in before, this time holding one of Sebastian’s stuffed animals—a purple octopus.

“Hey Gen, what do you say we—oh.” he paused, taking in this new development. “Is that Sebastian’s?”

She tossed the toy across the room, it landing on the tile without a sound.

“Why can’t I remember anything about that night?” she asked, staring at the floor. “I thought being in familiar surroundings would help jog my memory but it hasn’t.”

“Come with me to the show tonight.” he offered, unable to answer the question. “Everyone wants to see you. They miss you.”

After a long pause, she stood up, pulling the blanket off of her shoulders.

“I should change.” she finally said.

“Maybe we should change your bandages too.” he offered, reaching for her arm.

“No, don’t touch me!” she pulled her hand away. The look of concern on Lin’s face centered her a bit as she crossed her arms over her chest. “I mean, they’re fine.” she insisted. “They put on new bandages right before I left the hospital. I’ll just change my clothes and we can leave.”

-

At the theatre, it seemed like everyone in the cast was so happy to see her again. They all greeted her with a smile or a hug, expressing how excited they were to have her back.

She had missed Lin’s dressing room, practically sprinting to the couch as soon as they got in. He laughed at the sight of her lounging as he set his stuff aside.

“I can’t wait to spend three hours playing Red Dead Redemption while you work your ass off out there.” she quipped. “That’ll probably be the fondest memory I have of this place whenever you decide to leave.”

“Sounds good to me. I have to work on Moana stuff in the meantime, so you’ll have to keep the sound off.”

Moana was an upcoming Disney animated film that Lin had been hired to help write songs for. He usually spent a few days a week working on Moana a few hours before Hamilton, leaving Alexa to her own devices if she was with him.

She turned on the Xbox and television, making sure it was muted before spending an hour focused on the game. Lin had his headphones on, hard at work.

After an hour, the effects of deciding not to eat before leaving the house were haunting her as her stomach cried out in protest.

“Hey Lin,” she paused the game, glancing over at him. With his headphones on, he heard nothing.

There was a t-shirt of his nearby on the floor, which she balled up and tossed at him to get his attention.

“Wha—what?” he turned around in his chair, pulling his headphones off.

“Why didn’t you tell me to eat before we left? I’m starving.” she reminded him.

“I wasn’t sure I could get you to move, let alone eat.” He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and took out a $20 bill, handing it to her along with his key card for entry back into the building. “Just get something and come back.”

Outside, there was already two lines of fans, one waiting on cancellation tickets, the others waiting to be let inside. Alexa passed by without a second thought, surprised when several of them called out her name.

She approaches a group of teenage girls cautiously. “You know who I am?”

“You’re Lin’s daughter.” one of them said.

“Everyone knows who you are.” another confirmed. “You’ve been all over the news since that guy like, sexually assaulted you.”

Alexa could hear her heart beating in her ears. She couldn’t manage an answer.

By now, most of the nearby fans in the line had caught wind of the conversation and were paying attention.

“What happened to your arms?” someone else asked, directing to the bandages on her wrist. “Did you self-harm?”

“Oh… uh—”

“That can’t be it.” the first girl said. “I would never even think about self-harming if I was her. I would like, die of happiness if Lin and Vanessa were my parents.”

The group of girls agreed.

Feeling incredibly overwhelmed, Lex turned away and headed down the street without a response. She grabbed one of her forearms, suddenly incredibly self-conscious of her bandages among the sea of Hamilton fans.

There was a food truck at the far end of the block that she headed to, ordering a lamb gyro and patiently waiting for it to be prepared.

As the man in the truck prepared her food, he stared at her regularly as if he’d seen her before. She wasn’t exactly comfortable with it, but only a block away from the theatre, she didn’t feel unsafe.

He finished her food and wrapped it up, taking her money and handing it the wrap to her.

“I know you!” he said as she began to walk away.

“What?”

“Yes, I see you all over the news! You’re the orphan girl! The white man raped you.”

Alexa looked down, embarrassed before starting to walk away.

“Don’t be sad!” he called out. “The white man rape everyone!”

Her heart was pounding fast again, her free hand balling into a fist. She had a sudden urge to scratch her forearms that her bandages prevented. She started to wonder if they were there for more of a preventative reason than a healing one.

As she walked back into the theatre, a few more fans called out her name. She ignored them—two incidents of being known as “the girl who got raped” was more than enough. She headed upstairs to Lin’s dressing room with change, which he rejected.

“No it’s okay, keep it. Hey, are you okay?”

The distraught look on her face caused his concern, a face she then tried to mask.

“What? No. I mean, yes. I’m fine.”

“Did something happen outside?” he pressed.

“I’m gonna go eat this in the kitchen.” she took the food with her downstairs to the kitchen area where a long empty table was waiting.

She couldn’t get the incidents from earlier out of her mind.

I’m a joke she thought. A product of my tragedy.

Coming to terms with this managed to suppress her appetite. She tossed the food in the trash can nearby before waiting a few minutes and heading back upstairs.

-

Lin prepared to head onstage and left fo places at seven, leaving Alexa behind in his dressing room.

Being alone wasn’t easy for her, as her thoughts became all too consuming voices in her head. She couldn’t shake the idea that everyone in the city knew her as some kind of tragedy. The feeling was harsh, upsetting, triggering. She desperately wanted to cut her bandages off and tear into the skin on her arms like she’d done before so many times but forced herself to resist the urge for as long as possible.

Toward the end of the first act, she found herself tapping on the desk in Lin’s dressing room furiously to fight her impulsive need for self-harm.

“Shit… fuck… fuck!”

Without medication, it was hard not to snap. Finally, she left the room, pushing past crew in the small hallway and into the costuming room. There was a table of supplies near the door, a pair of scissors close by.

When she returned to the dressing room, she opened the scissors and made a weak attempt at tearing her bandages off. When that failed, she began using her teeth to tear them off. Just then Jonathan Groff entered, still in costume from being onstage. Stepping into the dressing room to head to his own, he spotted Alexa sitting in the chair in front of the mirror and furiously scratching her forearms. There were spots of blood dripping onto her clothing as she reopened wounds that hadn’t yet healed, tears falling from her eyes while she sobbed periodically.

“Oh my god, Alexa, stop—”

He tried to deter her, distract her without getting too close. As if she couldn’t hear him, she pressed on. More blood, more tears. She was fighting every voice in her head by scratching harder, desperately trying to make her negative thoughts vanish.

“Oh shit…” Jonathan backed up to the door then, running out to look for someone, anyone to help.

Non-Stop had just started onstage, the music blaring over the backstage speakers and drifting behind the curtains.

He spotted Jasmine near one of the wings speaking to Anthony, who had just come off-stage from his final scene in the first act.

“Jas,” he pulled her away and toward Lin’s dressing room. “I need your help.”

Anthony followed close behind.

“What is it?” she asked, trying to pull her arm away.

“It’s Alexa. I don’t know how to help, but she won’t stop scratching her arms and there’s blood everywhere—I don’t know what to do.”

Jasmine stopped protesting and rushed ahead of Jonathan as they headed upstairs to Lin’s dressing room.

Alexa was still scratching when they came in, causing more damage alongside the scars that were there from beforehand.

“Lex…” Jasmine carefully approached her, softly placing a hand on her shoulder. “Honey, you need to stop scratching your arms.“

Another sob erupted from the teenager’s chest as she continued to forcibly irritate her skin with no end in sight.

From the doorway, Anthony and John were watching closely.

“Jas, just grab her arms and stop her.”

“I don’t want to hurt her… or end up getting hurt,” she confessed.

The first act was nearing its end.

“Anthony, go find Lin as soon as he gets offstage,” she instructed, prompting him to run off to Lin’s exit point just in time for the song to end. There was a thunderous applause from the audience as the lights cut out, all of the actors headed in separate directions.

Anthony grabbed Lin as soon as he came through the door and rushed him toward the older man’s dressing room.

“Woah, what’s going on?”

“It’s Alexa.” was all he said.

Lin became suddenly frantic, following his co-star back to his dressing room.

Jasmine moved away toward the door when she saw Lin rush toward Alexa. He kneeled in front of her, holding onto both of her arms to force her to stop. There was blood staining his hands and the white cuffs of his costume, but he didn’t pull away.

She continued crying, burying her face in his chest as he wrapped his arms around her.

“What is wrong with me?” she managed between sobs. He stroked her hair, shushing her in the hope that she’d eventually calm down.

By now most of the cast had gathered in the doorway watching this occur. He carefully shut the door to all of them, leaving only him and Alexa in the room.

There was plenty of blood on his costume at that point, though he was not deterred. After a few minutes, there was a knock on the door before the stage manager carefully opened it.

“Lin…” he whispered. “We just need to know if you’re going on in the second act. Javi’s on standby if you want to leave, but we’re 10 minutes to places and we need an answer now.”

Alexa hadn’t let go of him and seemed to have no desire to do so. She was shaking, her breath uneven.

He bit his lip, hesitant for a moment.

“I’ll leave.” he finally decided. “Put Javi on for act two.”

-

Within minutes, Lin had changed out of his costume. They used clean pieces of fabric from the costuming room as temporary bandages for Alexa’s wounds and they were in a cab headed uptown just after act two began.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asked, once they were safely headed home.

She was staring out the window, focused on the passing lights outside. She grabbed his hand for support before explaining the crowd outside and the guy in the food truck who had both managed to trigger her.

She could feel tears welling up in her eyes yet again.

“What the fuck.” she finally groaned, covering her face.

“I’m sorry,” he tried. “If I had known they would be there—”

“How is it fair that they know more about what happened to me that night than I do?” she demanded, her hands curling into fists.

“It’s not.” he conceded, rubbing her back supportively. “But this too shall pass. I think we all just need sleep.”

-

At home, Vanessa was already asleep.

Lin had gathered the hydrogen peroxide and bandages from the cabinet in the bathroom and prepared to tend to her wounds over the sink.

With his hair pulled back, he carefully removed the cloth covering her arms and poured the peroxide over the affected areas, letting it rid of any remaining bacteria.

Alexa was quiet, her face still red from crying beforehand.

After some silence, Lin offered a small smile.

“I know it’s hard,” he started. “I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I also know that you can fight. You’ll come out stronger on the other side.”

She sighed. “I’m tragedy-prone.”

“You are absolutely not.” he insisted, drying her arms off.

“You didn’t know me before I came here. Every person in my life might as well have been competing on who could fuck me up the most.”

He started to wrap a bandage around one of her arms.

“Well, you coming to live with Vanessa and me was no tragedy.”

“I know.” she nodded. “It almost feels like I don’t deserve it.”

“Lex,” he paused, making eye contact with her. “You deserve nothing but the absolute best. Just because you haven’t gotten it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

“I deserved to get raped. That’s why it happened, isn’t it?”

“What happened to you happened because a bunch of immature, poorly-raised teenage boys couldn’t get girls to actually go on a date with them so they had to drug someone just to do anything. That was not your fault and you certainly did not deserve it.”

He finished bandaging one arm and started with the other.

“It’s hard not to feel that way sometimes, though.” she pointed out.

“Well, that’s something for us to work on then, isn’t it?”

He finished with the bandage and kissed the top of her head.

“You’ll come out on the other side of this, okay? You will, I promise.”

She nodded once in response.

“In the meantime, get some rest. Things will be easier to process once you’ve gotten a good night’s sleep.”

Lying in bed that night, however, Alexa couldn’t even consider rest.

As curiosity mixed with anger, she pulled out her laptop and searched for answers about what happened to her that fateful night.

Anger became horror as she was immediately presented with evidence—dozens of photos and videos of her being violated.

Horror kept her up through the night, tossing and turning as her mind clouded with the images.

The next morning, she trekked into the kitchen exhausted and still haunted by the images from last night. The bandages around her forearms had small spots of blood on them as reminisces of the night before. Lin was feeding Sebastian in his high chair and Vanessa was cooking over the stove. She turned the heat off when Alexa came in, hugging her suddenly.

It was the first time she’d seen the teen since her return. Though V was clearly excited to see her, Lex froze, unwilling to touch her foster mother let alone hug back.

“Did you get any sleep last night?” Lin questioned, seeing the bags under her eyes. “You look exhausted.”

“I am not a product of my environment, but a product of my expectations.” she stated, rather poetically, in response.

It grabbed the attention of both parents.

“Are you okay?” Vanessa asked.

“Do you know how many videos there are of me getting raped online?” she managed through a yawn.

Their concern grew exponentially.

“You really shouldn’t watch that.” Vanessa insisted. “I don’t think that’s healthy—”

“I needed to know.” she insisted, flat. “No one was being honest with me. Everyone is afraid of scaring my or hurting my feelings. You have no idea what I went through before I even met you. I needed to know what happened.”

“We just put your breakfast on the table,” Lin announced, attempting to change the subject.

He pointed her toward the dining room. Sure enough, there was a lone plate in front of one of the chairs with eggs, bacon and half a bagel on it, a bowl of fruit and a glass of orange juice beside it.

While she headed over, Lin pulled a pill bottle from one of the cabinets and followed her.

She sat in front of the meal, still warm, as he sat beside her. He opened the bottle, sliding one pill out and placing it on the napkin her utensils were resting on.

A sigh followed.

“It’s for your own good.” He kissed the top of her head. “You’ll feel a lot better, I promise.”

She picked it up slowly, placing it on her tongue before taking a swig of orange juice to wash it down.

“Good.” he nodded. “As long as you take your medication every day, things should be back on track by the time school starts next week.”

Though Alexa was hesitant to restart her routine medication, she could admit that things were looking up. Her sleep was more consistent, she had stopped self-harming, and her mental health had improved overall. She felt happier. So much so that when it was time to take her meds a week later, she figured missing a day wouldn’t be a big deal. It was the same Saturday she had agreed to go on a shopping trip with Vanessa, who was eager to improve their relationship and ecstatic to do something together. Lin was attending a formal, red-carpet event that evening, leaving Lex and Vanessa on their own. Vanessa’s mother happily agreed to babysit Sebastian while they were out.

After a short time, Vanessa quickly realized that “We can go wherever you want.” may not have been the best thing to say as they headed out.

Alexa was opting for only the most expensive, high-end stores on the Upper East Side.

Vanessa stayed silent for fear of upsetting her daughter, but her credit card limits were becoming concerning the more Alexa spent.

Still, the teen had never been so happy and upbeat around her. She didn’t want to mess that up.

-

After several stores and several thousands of dollars spent, they headed into a Valentino store when Alexa saw a red gown displayed in the window that she thought was gorgeous. She asked an associate to remove it so she could try it on.

There were small dressing rooms at the back of the store covered by curtains, one of which Alexa stepped into with the gown in hand.

Vanessa began conversing with the associate while her daughter was changing.

In the dressing room, Alexa was infatuated with the dress. The long sleeves covered the bandages on her arms—a feature she was particularly fond of. The dress boasted a low neckline and was particularly slimming. She didn’t need much convincing to purchase it.

There was a tag hanging off the back of the dress that displayed an atrociously high price. One that she certainly couldn’t afford, and one that she was sure Vanessa couldn’t either.

Peeking out from behind the curtain, she could see Vanessa and the associate distracted looking at scarves.

Thinking quickly, she grabbed a pair of shoes from the many shopping bags that she’d carried in, slipping them on to replace her black flats. She grabbed her purse, leaving the other shopping bags behind and quietly made her way from the dressing room to the front door. She sprinted out, hailing a nearby empty cab and rushing into it.

An alarm went off by the door, alerting Vanessa and every sales associate that something had happened.

Vanessa glanced back at the dressing room, seeing an open curtain revealing Alexa’s clothes from earlier among a large group of shopping bags.

“Oh no…” her voice trailed off when she realized what Alexa had done.

“Ma’am, you’re going to have to pay for that dress.” the associate beside her was adamant. “If you don’t, we’ll have to call the authorities.”

Approaching the register, Vanessa could feel her hands shaking.

“Your total is seventeen eighty-four.” The young female associate held out her hand for a form of payment.

“Seventeen hundred?” Vanessa questioned, hopeful.

“Seventeen thousand.”

V pulled out her wallet, handing the female associate a credit card. She swiped it through, handing it back to the older woman.

“Declined.”

She pulled out another card, only to have the same result. A different male associate approached the two of them, asking what the concern was.

“Just call the police.” the female associate insisted. “Someone left with one of our display gowns.”

“Oh no, that won’t be necessary.” she pulled out a third card and handed it to the associate. “I’m sure one of these will work.”

With a smug look on her face, the associate handed it back. “That’s unlikely. Declined.”

Panicked, devitalized, she knew there was only one thing left that she could do.

“Let me call my husband.” she offered.

-

In midtown, Lin was arriving at a gala event when his phone began ringing. He answered it with a smile.

“Hey V, how’s it going? Are you guys getting along?”

“You need to come here right now.” Her voice was low and worrisome.

“What? Why?”

“I’m at a very expensive store and Alexa just ran out and hopped into a cab wearing a heinously expensive dress. You need to come here.”

Lin’s publicist began waving him inside, telling him to wrap up his phone conversation.

“I can’t leave now.” he insisted. “Just pay for it and we’ll go find her in a while.”

“Lin, you need to come here right now. They won’t let me leave unless someone pays for this dress.”

“You can’t just pay for it?”

“It’s too expensive.” she insisted. “If you show up we might be able to split the cost, but you have to come here.”

Lin sighed, glancing as his publicist who was growing increasingly frustrated.

“Where are you?”

“Madison between 68th and 69th.”

“I’m on my way.”

As Lin left the event and headed uptown, Alexa arrived just a few moments later, still in the gown.

She paid the cab driver and strutted out onto the red carpet, feeling elated and energized for someone who typically went out of their way to avoid being photographed.

They asked her who she was, to which she proudly replied, “Lin-Manuel Miranda’s daughter.”

When they asked her who she was wearing, she didn’t hold back.

“I just stole this Valentino dress and came here! I know, right? I look amazing.”

-

Lin arrived at the store within the hour, seeing his wife waiting by the register. She wasted no time filling him in on everything that had happened.

“She didn’t come back?”

Vanessa shook her head. “No. We have no idea where she went.”

“Your wife has had multiple cards rejected.” the associate chimed in. “My manager is prepared to call the authorities if neither of you can pay for the dress.

“Exactly how expensive is this dress?”

“Seventeen thousand dollars.”

“Oh,” Lin shrugged, pulling out his wallet and handing the card to the associate. “Is that it?” He turned to Vanessa, who was shocked at how calm he was over such an exuberant amount. “I thought you said it was heinously expensive?”

“It is.” she insisted, almost suspicious of how calm he was.

The card worked on the first try.

“This one works,” The associate gave a knowing look to Vanessa before returning the card to Lin along with a receipt.

“Clearly we know who makes the money in that relationship.” she whispered.

“What did you just say?” V demanded, clearly offended by the comment.

“Can I help you with anything else?”

“You’re sure you have no idea where she went?” Lin pressed, changing the subject.

Vanessa did not.

“I’ll try calling her.” he offered, pulling his phone out.

Still on the red carpet in midtown, Alexa pulled her ringing phone out of her purse in front of the photographers.

“I was just looking for you.”

Lin was relatively calm when she picked up, though his voice was slightly laced with frustration.

“Lex… where are you right now?”

“I’m at your event.” she informed him with a smile.

“You’re in Bryant Park right now?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at Valentino with Vanessa buying a seventeen thousand dollar dress that I have every intention of returning.”

Alexa couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh my god, you had to buy it for her? She couldn’t afford it?”

“That’s not important.” he insisted.

“Was she emasculated?” her voice seemed to raise an octave as if she was more excited by the thought. “Did she cry?! Oh, now I’m sorry that I left.”

“Lex… this isn’t funny.”

The photographers in front of her began calling out her name again.

“Hey, remember when I said I didn’t like attention?” she prompted to Lin over the phone. “I think that may have been the Zoloft talking. I didn’t take my meds this morning and honestly, I am loving the attention I’m getting right now. These photographers can’t get enough of me. That might be because I told them I just stole this dress, though.”

“You didn’t take your meds?” Lin had immediately gone from frustrated to concerned. “You know what? Stay where you are. V and I are coming to get you, and then we’re going to have a really long talk about what just happened.”

“If you say so.”

With that, she hung up.

-

When the three of them finally arrived home that evening, tensions were high. While Vanessa still seemed upset about the money situation, Alexa was relaxed, lounging across the loveseat in the living room; still wearing the stolen gown.

“Okay so,” Lin opted to stand to present a firm parental stance, Vanessa beside him. “This did not go well today.”

“I agree.” Alexa insisted. “Vanessa, you seem really upset about this whole situation.”

Vanessa didn’t respond to her, still glaring at Lin.

“Where did you get that kind of money?” she demanded.

“V,” Still attempting to parent, Lin was confused to find out that his finances were the biggest of his wife’s concerns. “I think the more important question is why Alexa neglected to take her meds and then stole a seventeen thousand dollar dress and left you to pay for it.”

“Which she couldn’t, by the way.” the teen added, gleefully.

“Lex…” he warned.

“What? All I’m saying is that being a lawyer clearly doesn’t pay as much as being the guy who wrote Hamilton does.”

Vanessa, still focused on her husband, pressed on. “When we first started dating, you were and English sub who had nothing. I paid the bills. I bought us dinner. Now you can drop seventeen grand like it’s nothing?”

“You were poor when you guys met?” Lex asked, genuinely surprised.

“So we both make a lot of money now!” he shot back, growing increasingly stressed with both conversations. “Why is that a problem? I thought that was the goal, V! I don’t understand why you’re so upset?!”

“I can’t picture it.” Lex continued. “I can only picture you making way more money than Vanessa like you obviously do now—”

Now equally frustrated with Lex’s behavior, they both cut her off.

“STOP doing that!” they said in unison.

“Doing what?”

“You trying to turn us against one another isn’t making this situation any better.” Lin insisted.

Finally, Vanessa seceded. “You need to talk to her about this without me here. I’m going to… sort out my finances in the meantime.” She headed toward her office. “This conversation isn’t over.”

“What conversation?!” Lin prompted yet again. Vanessa ignored him, though, leaving the room.

“I’ve honestly never seen someone so offended because their spouse makes more money than them.” Lex started once her mother had left. “What is she so afraid of? That you’re going to leave her for someone who needs financial help a la Maria Reynolds? Honestly, what a bitch.”

Lin took a breath. “Lex, you told me that you didn’t take your meds this morning.”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Why not? That was a part of our deal, remember? When we left the hospital last week, you told me you would take your meds every day.”

“I mean I was going to,” she tried. “It’s just… things have been going really well since then, and I figured skipping one day wouldn’t be that big of a deal.”

“You can’t just stop taking your medication because things are going well.” he reminded her.

“Why not? It isn’t that bad.”

“Because not taking your medication is causing you to make destructive decisions. Decisions like stealing a seventeen thousand dollar dress and leaving Vanessa behind to pay for it. Then calling her a bitch for no reason.”

“She is a bitch.” Lex insisted. “My saying it doesn’t make me a bad person.”

Lin was clearly frustrated and even angry at this point, an emotion he rarely ever felt.

“You would not be saying that if you knew how much work she put into getting you back here.”

The teen seemed surprised by this news. “Wait, what? She did?”

“Who do you think told me to write that speech? Vanessa came up with an incredibly thought out, specific plan that not only kept Claudia from getting wrongfully terminated but got you back to us. I was too defeated to do anything. I thought we had lost you forever. She worked tirelessly on getting you back, while being a lawyer full time, while being a mother to Sebastian, and while keeping me from losing my shit because you were gone.”

Alexa was suddenly on edge—she’d never seen Lin like this before.

“Oh my god, you’re for real mad.”

“You would not even be back here if it weren’t for her. You have no idea what she went through to get you back, and you’ve done nothing but treat her like a second-class citizen for the last week.”

There were tears welling up in her eyes. Lin had taken on the role of the closest thing that Alexa had to a friend since she had been living with them. Having her only “friend” upset with her was a looming, uncomfortable feeling.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” she managed through tears. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. You could’ve handled this situation a lot more maturely than you did. You’re responsible for your behavior despite your mental illnesses, and you’re choosing not to take responsibility.”

The teen’s thoughts became overwhelming as her emotions rushed to the surface. She started sobbing, unable to hold back.

It took every ounce of power that Lin had to hold it together and not immediately comfort her.

“I’m not saying you have to be best friends with her, but you at least owe her an apology. However you decide to do that is up to you.”

She held a hand up to her neck, concern building. “Why is my heart beating so fast?”

Lin sat on the loveseat beside her and felt her pulse, confirming that it was faster than normal.

“You didn’t take your meds, and now you’re having a panic attack because I’m temporarily upset with your behavior. That’s not a rational response, mija. You need to take your medication properly.”

Her breathing became increasingly uneven. Lin managed to help her through the panic attack. When the worst was over, he stood up, off to handle pressing marital issues.

“I need to go talk to Vanessa. We’ll talk more tomorrow, okay? Change out of that dress—we’re returning it as soon as possible.”

-

Safely in Vanessa’s office with the door closed, Lin was hopeful to end their financial conversation on a good note.

“I need you to explain to me what about all of this is making you so upset.” he started, sitting on the small couch on the far end of the room. “I want to help, but I don’t know how.”

Vanessa rolled her eyes, turning in her desk chair to face him. “This isn’t about you helping, Lin.”

“Then what is it? If you’re upset about me spending that much, you know I have every intention of returning it, right?”

“I’m upset that you could afford that dress and I couldn’t.” she finally confessed. “It was embarrassing having all of my cards declined and then having to beg you to step in only to watch you pay for it on the first try.”

“Why is that embarrassing? We’re both financially stable. I don’t see how that could be bad—”

“We’ve never been this way.” Vanessa reminded him. “Until Hamilton came to be, I always made more money than you and we were doing just fine.”

“You don’t make any less money now than you did then.” he pointed out. “I still don’t see what the problem is. Do you not want me to be successful?”

“No, that’s not it at all,” she moved from the chair and sat beside him on the small couch. “It’s just you being this financially stable. When I started dating you, I took comfort in the fact that I’d be making more money and would inevitably be the primary breadwinner. It was empowering. As a woman, I felt more in control and that was an amazing feeling. It’s not that I wanted any less for you.”

“Is making more money than me really that important to you?” he asked, taken aback by her explanation.

“A little.” she confessed.

“I don’t-I can’t help you. Hamilton is the most successful thing that I’ve ever created and I can’t shut down the production just because you’re feeling insecure about money.”

“That’s not what I’m saying—” she tried.

“I thought we were in this together, V?”

“We are!” she insisted.

Lin could sense that their conversation was headed toward rising tension. He hoped to stop it before that happened.

“Today was a long day,” he insisted. “I think we should sleep on it and talk about it tomorrow.”

Vanessa nodded slowly, staying behind as Lin stood up and left her office.

-

The next day, Lin made absolutely sure that Lex had taken her medication.

The teen spent most of the day stressed out, after spending hours attempting to find a way to apologize to Vanessa. She didn’t know much about the woman—she was a chemical engineer and a lawyer; she was married to Lin; she had one son and Alexa, who’d been treating her poorly since the day they met.

She headed downtown in search of something to buy to make things up to her mother.

She opted to step inside a bookstore, hoping a title would catch her eye. There were an array of titles that seemed interesting, but nothing quite right for an apology.

In the children’s section, she came across one book that seemed promising. She purchased it promptly and headed back uptown.

At home, Vanessa was in the living room hard at work on her laptop over a case. Alexa approached her carefully, sitting on the far end of the couch.

She took the book out and placed it on the coffee table in front of them, using her hand to slowly slide it toward Vanessa.

Vanessa glanced at the book and then at her daughter, who elected to stare at the ground rather than make eye contact.

The book was titled Rosie Revere Engineer, a nod to one of Vanessa’s many skills.

“What is this?” she asked, calmly.

“Rosie Revere Engineer.” Lex stated, blushing. “It’s about a girl who wants to create things. It teaches the importance of failure. I don’t think Sebastian is old enough to understand it yet but when he is, you could always read it to him. I know you’re a chemical engineer, but there are no children’s books about chemical engineers.”

“Okay…” Vanessa was still cautious as if she half-expected things to suddenly go wrong.

Alexa shifted, clearly uncomfortable as she tried to speak her mind.

“I um… I take out a lot of my mom issues on you and I… I shouldn’t do that.”

There was silence as she groaned, rubbing her face as she struggled to get the words out. Vanessa waited patiently for her to continue.

“The first mom that I remember having was really sexually abusive. She kind of fucked up moms for me. I’m kind of just now coming to terms with the fact that I don’t have to take that stress trauma out on every mother figure that I have.”

Again, silence.

“I’m… sorry. For what I did yesterday and how I’ve been acting towards you. It’s not easy for me to warm up to you, but I want to try.”

Vanessa managed a small smile. She tried to put a hand on Alexa’s shoulder, but the teen moved away, rushing to the far side of the room.

“I’m not there yet.” she insisted. “I hope you don’t take it personally. It’s not your fault, I swear.”

Her mother nodded slowly. “I understand. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

Vanessa wasn’t sure, but she thought she saw a smile on her daughter’s face.

[wingsy-keeper-of-songs]

People

For my girl @movieexpert1978. She’s been feeling really down lately, and I wrote this for her. Inspired by her Kopfstand fic “Tender Touch”. Elisa is her OC. I own absolutely nothing.

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of suicide and cutting

Inspired by  http://movieexpert1978.tumblr.com/post/151632111213/tender-touch

“People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” – Funny Girl

 There were times when he didn’t want to get out of bed, and if he were being honest, those times were getting more and more frequent. It was almost as if something was holding him back from facing the day. The only driving force that could get him up in the mornings was the fact that he had a job to do, and he had a friend to check up on.

Markus had met Elisa while locked up in the psychiatric clinic. The girl had been confined by her family like he had been, only it seemed it was for her own protection rather than for nothing. Elisa was a cutter, and she’d attempted more than once to kill herself due to her severe depression. Out of desperation, her parents had her committed to keep her safe and to give her time to heal and process whatever had made her the way she was. Markus had met her during mealtimes which was the only time during the day where the male and female patients could intermingle. She’d been sitting alone, not touching the food and the look in her eyes had been one he’d seen too many times in the mirror. Karl, the elderly gentleman who had been locked up for being too old, had nudged him in her direction.

             “Poor girl has been for longer than you have,” he’d told Markus. “She looks like she could use a kind word, doesn’t she?” Markus wasn’t really the outgoing type, but the more he looked at the girl, the more he felt the strangest urge to speak to her, to offer her words of comfort. He’d stood and headed to her table, a bit unsure of himself. He muscled through his initial hesitation and offered her a small smile.

             “Would you mind if I sat here with you?” He’d asked softly. At first, the girl wasn’t looking at him and Markus thought she’d been administered the same shock treatments he’d gotten, but after a moment she looked up at him and nodded once.

He learned her name from one of the other patients. Elisa didn’t speak much and generally kept to herself. Markus could understand why. He was very much the same way, but he also understood how important it was to have people who supported you through times like these. The clinic was a hellhole, and one needed to band together with their fellow inmates if they ever wanted to survive the place. Markus made certain to sit with her every chance he got, spoke to her about her day, asked how she was. He didn’t push her to open up to him, and begrudgingly she began to open up to him. She’d tried overdosing on medication which was the reason she was here in the first place. She suffered from severe clinical depression and the medication she took did little to nothing. Her home life wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as being thrown into an asylum because of a misunderstanding.

As Elisa opened up to him, so did he to her. He told her about his relationship with his mother, how it had been strained since his father had left her to raise him alone. He never got to know his father, the only men in his mother’s life seemed to treat her poorly. He admitted to being angry with his mother for enabling this treatment, and he understood that it wasn’t fair. He did love her, and it hurt him to think that she thought so little of him.

They didn’t just discuss family and what brought them to the clinic. Markus also told her about his favorite music and films that he’d been to see when he’d sneak out of his house. Elisa seemed very interested in the record collection he had and he promised to show them to her once the both of them were released.

             “You’re just as sane as I am, it’ll happen soon for you.” He assured her. She’d smile sadly at him and look away.

It turned out that the two of them were released from the hospital just hours away from each other. Elisa went home to her family and Markus headed back to his mother’s. Neither one forgot about the other, and Elisa had promised him that she’d call him or write to him if she felt any of familiar pangs of self-harm. Markus had promised her the same and that he’d stay away from drugs (jokingly, of course). They met regularly for walks and small chats. Both were naturally quiet people and were content to just walk across Vienna without saying much and letting the city speak for them. Now, Markus and Elisa were walking through the woods, armed with hot chocolate from a local café (Vienna was full of them).

             “I’m trying to get enough money to rent a room,” Elisa was saying. “It’s hard nowadays, but I think I’m getting there.”

             “I’ve been looking too. There isn’t much, but we’ll manage.” Markus replied. He paused for a moment, putting his cold hands in his jacket pockets. “I’m sorry that my mother threw out my records. I really wanted to show them to you.” Elisa shrugged and sipped at her drink.

             “What’s done is done,” she shrugged. “But I appreciate the gesture, anyways.” They continued to walk, and Markus noticed not for the first time how blue Elisa’s eyes were. He wondered where that thought came from. “So…anything new with you? Other than you’re looking for a room?” She asked, flicking her aforementioned eyes over to his. He glanced down, embarrassed to be caught staring at her.

             “I’m helping with the welfare,” he answered. “There’s this widow, Mrs. Mohn. She lives in a house on the edge of town, and she’s all alone. I’m helping to take care of her.” Elisa smiled at this.

             “You’re such a good person, Markus.” She said sweetly. “You’re always looking out for people who need it. Like you did with me.” Markus smiled bashfully and tucked his bangs behind his ear, a nervous habit of his.

             “I dunno, Mrs. Kren just thought I’d get along well with her. And she’s a nice lady, you know? I think she’d like you.” Elisa’s smile was like sunshine. She didn’t smile very often, but when she did, Lord, it just blew him away. He wondered if he should keep that thought to himself as well.

             “I’d like to meet her sometime,” she said as they began to approach her flat. Markus hated this part of their walks. He really enjoyed talking with Elisa more and more, and there were times where he wondered what it would feel like to kiss her goodbye and things would get awkward and he’d stumble on his words. He hated that, too.

             “Maybe you could come along with me on Thursday, and we could visit.” He suggested, shrugging a shoulder. “She wouldn’t mind more company, I don’t think.” Elisa nodded and fumbled in her jacket for her keys.

             “I’d like that,” she replied. “I don’t have work Thursday, so I don’t see why it wouldn’t work out.” He nodded, watching as she dug around for her keys. She looked up at him for a moment when she finally fished them out. “What?” She asked, smiling somewhat nervously. Markus just stared at her, frozen to the spot. He wasn’t any good at shit like this, but when would he get another opportunity like this? Probably the next time he saw her, but God only knew when he’d get the courage to try. “Markus, are you okay?” Elisa asked, snapping him out of it. Markus sighed and tucked his hair back again.

Shit.

             “I’m okay,” he said with a smile in return that betrayed his utter annoyance at his cowardice. “I’ll see you again on Thursday, yeah?” Elisa nodded in return.

             “Yeah. See you later, Markus.” She said as she gave him that sunny smile again, and then turned to let herself into her house. Markus watched her go, but before she could disappear and before he knew what was happening, he took a gentle hold of her arm. When she turned back to look at him, he swiftly leaned in and kissed her. She stiffened for a minute, but soon relaxed and returned the kiss, her hand resting on his shoulder. When he pulled away, he gave her a small embarrassed grin and ran a hand through his hair.

             “See you Thursday,” was all he could think of to say.