#the first hamburglar

[all-that-glitters-is-goldfish]

Hi I love you I miss you 💖

Maddie my beloved ❤️❤️❤️

I’ve missed you too 😈

[commaclear]

Okay, just to confirm that I’m not crazy, the 1999 thing is happening to people other than me... Right???

[theworldgate]

I have to explain what is going on in the UK, because it is absurd.

So, this is Gary Lineker:

He's known for a fair few things over here. He was a very good (association) footballer, playing for England in the 1986 and 1990 World Cups, winning the Golden Boot in 1986, and managing to never get a single yellow card in his playing career. He played for Leicester City, Everton, Barcelona, and Tottenham, before finishing his career in Japan. But if you aren't in your mid 30s, you probably know actually know him him for a couple of other things. The first is the role of spokesman for another Leicester icon, Walkers Crisps (which are sort of equivalent to Lays, but hit different), as pictured above. Despite being a notably clean player, he used to play a cheeky serial crisp thief. I don't think he's done that for well over a decade, but his ads were on the telly a lot when I was a kid and it's a bit like learning that the hamburglar was an incredibly clean (American) football player or something.

The second thing Gary is widely known for is having presented Match of the Day, the big football program on the BBC, the sort-of state broadcaster, since 1999. He is, incidentally, very well paid for this (though with a consensus that he could get even more if he went to one of the non-free-to-view broadcasters because he is very good at the job). He also has a twitter account. And political opinions. So, the UK government has got itself dead set upon doing heinous stuff that will totally somehow work to prevent people who want to come to the UK making the perilous crossing of the Channel (between England and France). By heinous, I mean "openly advertise that they won't attempt to protect victims of modern slavery" stuff. It's very obviously using a legal hammer to victimise a marginalised group of people in order to win votes. And, uh, I should clarify that by "legal" I mean "using the passage of laws" - the policy is, in addition to all the other ways it's awful, probably incompatible with the Human Rights Act and the UK's international law obligations. Gary, top lad that he is, objected to this. On Tuesday 7th March, he made a quote Tweet of a video of the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman, bigging up the policy, he wrote "Good heavens, this is beyond awful.". This got a bunch of backlash from extremely right-wingers, and then he made the tweet that really got him in trouble (with right-wingers): "There is no huge influx. We take far fewer refugees than other major European countries. This is just an immeasurably cruel policy directed at the most vulnerable people in language that is not dissimilar to that used by Germany in the 30s, and I’m out of order?".

Now, I am not actually subjecting myself to watching a video of Suella Braverman bigging up a cruel policy to say whether the specific comparison of the language to 1930s Germany is accurate. But needless to say, Ms Braverman was amongst the many figures on the right of UK politics objecting to Gary's rhetoric. And here's the part where a fact about the BBC comes in: it is nominally neutral and impartial (and so, of course, is routinely accused of bias from all sides but particularly the right-wing), and has something of a code for its contributors to this effect. Now, that code has previously been applied to Gary Lineker, over a comment about whether governing Conservative Party would hand back donations from figures linked to the Russian regime. But it generally hasn't been applied too strongly to people like Gary, whose roles have nothing to do with politics (such as presenting a "here's what happened on the footie today" show), on the basis that, well, their roles have nothing to do with politics. However, when directly asked about whether the BBC should punish Gary Lineker for his tweets, government figures basically went "well, that's a them problem". But a couple of days passed, and it seemed like Gary's approach of "standing his ground because he did nothing wrong" was working and everything would die down. He was set to get 'a talking to' but not much more than that. The Conservative right, after all their fire and fury earlier, had gotten bored and moved onto something else. And then, on Friday 10th March, the BBC announced that he would be suspended from hosting Match of the Day this weekend. But it could still go ahead, because there are, like, other hosts! Except, well, funnily enough, when you take a beloved figure off air, for making a fairly anodyne tweet, no one wants to be the scab who actually takes up the role of replacing him. Gary's two co-hosts, Alan Shearer and Ian Wright, said that they would not appear without him. People who (co-)host Match of the Day on other days followed suit. The net result is that Match of the Day is currently set to air without hosts, BBC commentary, or global feed commentary. And the solidarity shown to Gary Lineker, over what is very flagrantly actual cancel culture and an attack on freedom of speech (the logic implied is that institutional impartiality requires that no one say anything too critical of the government ever), has continued to grow. The BBC has pretty much been unable to run pretty much any live sports content today, and has resorted to raiding the BBC Sounds archive to fill the sports radio channel. And, as of 17:30 on Saturday 11th March, the situation shows no signs of improvement, though some are calling for the Chairman Richard Sharp, who is separately facing corruption allegations, to resign (yes I linked to the BBC itself there, there is nothing, nothing, the BBC loves more than going into great detail about how much the BBC sucks).

[cator99]

when people say taylor swift is a lesbian it strikes me in the same way that someone might claim that the hamburglar is transgender I wouldnt argue for or against it because this information is being shouted at me from the bottom of a well and I'm more inclined to just be wondering what you're doing down there in the first place

[vonlipvig]

i can't stop going back to the waffle party scene in severance. and like, correct me if i'm wrong or add your thoughts, cause i just finished the show yesterday so thoughts are merely simmering here, but like...what the fuck, right?

like, that's a sex thing. disguised as a food reward. as a work perk. and of course work perks as a whole are macabre enough in this context, but like...it's so fucked up. do they know, at least at first, what they're in for? and the thought alone of using sex--or not even sex, but like, sensuality? the body?--as a reward for work?

and then like, i can't fucking stop thinking about the flogging whip thing with the virtues of kier or whatever the fuck on each whip? like, it's not even just a sex thing, it's a bdsm sex thing. and how does that play out in this scenario? cause if it's not purely for the theater of it all then good god, right? would the employee be meant to take the dominant role or the submissive one here? i don't even know what's worse. either you're meant to take pleasure in the disciplinary action, of wielding those virtues and inflicting them on others, or you're literally meant to 'take them' and find enjoyment in that submission to the company.

like, what if your whole life was flipping burgers at mcdonald's, and one day your boss is like 'you flipped burgers so good you can now eat some fries', so you go to ronald mcdonald's house and eat your fries and then you go to ronald mcdonald's bed and the hamburglar beats you with a deep fryer basket thing while you're meant to yell i'm lovin' it.

[cheddar-baby]

In a disturbing scene onlookers could only describe as devilishly delectable mayor mccheese was pronounced dead after his burger lost its yummy on the intersection of fourth and first. Our condolences go out to mrs. mcrib and the hamburger twins. In other news the hamburglars new single "call me f*gburgler" is now available on itunes worldwide.

[urlsaremeaningless]

collection of funny things people I know have said (part 3)

Feel free to change pronouns as needed <3 have fun! please reblog this if you enjoy it.

im like a 6th month old puppy, im fully grown, buuut-

I love screaming

BEACUSE ITS CHEEEESE!

did we send a dog to Mars?

....we sent a dog AT Mars

Oh, the humanoid keeping cage

We are rehydrating the world leaders with Gatorade

They took away the rabbits titties

Would you peepee in your own bed?....why are you not answering?

I was thinking about how stupid koalas are.

you wouldn't watch censored hentai in public would you?

[name] that man is not wearing pants

the plot thiccccquens

Pittsburg is the germany of Pennsylvania

no no this is not the first time we've had this EXACT conversation....hey [name] whats wrong with our friendship

This is indeed a choice we have made.

I have taken up the MANTLE to read these

So you see, the hamburglar made his debut in 1971, and he looked like a preteen, which means he was probably born in the 1960s, which means he's probably around 60 years old.

you hear that, [name]? No one gives a shit if my ass is toasted!

I would say they are beefing, but the beef started with a can of soup, so I suppose they are actually souping

sometimes, i like to rub myself in vasaline and then i like to crawl on the ground, and pretend im a slug

Less daddy, more dead-y.

We drove through the entirety of Colorado and didn’t see one moose. And frankly, I’m offended.

1000% out of context, it makes sense as a joke i swear

I promise i will never send anyone a dick pick

I can't believe I got jumpscared by a penis

Second printing? Bitch I'm worth a first run

He SHOULD be FLUFFY!! >:|

an octopus has 8 tentacles, so logically if it has only 1, I'm calling it a unipus

[name] is wingdings 1 and im wingdings 2

im not gonna cry over a god damn drone in a fucking porn game

im gonna buy like a billion candy apples....so like two

I know they call them monsters but this is just slavery

we're just trying to get characters to fuck, [name]. stop looking too deep into things!

year nog egg round

Like religious text wise?.... it’s not. But i am fine with it.

Ooooo it burns a little bit when you get more than a tongue full

panic at Nabisco, where you just drop a pack of oreos on the dance floor

[heavyhitterheaux]

Fright Night

First Lady of Private Garden Fic

AN: Reader beware, you're in for a scare 👻

Synopsis: The annual Private Garden Halloween party doesn't go exactly as planned when Shloob doesn't realize the location he picked for the party is actually haunted

Pairing: Husband!Jack Harlow x Wife!Reader

Requested by my baby @softtcurse 😘💕

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

“I found the perfect place to go before our Halloween party.” Shloob confessed as PG were all sitting around waiting for him to say where they were going.

Every year PG hosted a Halloween party and it would rotate every year who was responsible for finding a location for it and from there everyone would set up everything and invites would be sent out at the beginning of October.

“And where is that?” Yasmin curiously asked from her spot on the couch next to Urban.

“It’s called Terror Heights and it’s an amusement park that’s Halloween themed.”

“I-..... now you already know that I do not do scary shit like that.” 2fo said while looking over at him and shaking his head.

“Stop being scared, it’s going to be fun.”

“Fun? By whose standards? I’m not interested in someone chasing me with a chainsaw!” Quiiso said while looking at Shloob. 

“What the….? It says that they can come close to you, but they can’t touch you on the website.”

“I think we should go, it’ll be fun and then we can go to the mansion and have the Halloween party.”

“I don’t know about this. Why do I have such an uneasy feeling?”

“Because you’re a big baby who can’t go anywhere without her husband.” Ace answered while looking over at you.

“And? What about it? I have absolutely no shame. And does everyone have their costumes? We might as well wear them to the amusement park so that way we don’t have to worry about changing.”

“Yes! I’m going as Brat doll!” Luna exclaimed and Yasmin was immediately on board with that idea.

“Oooh, I did that last year. I’m going for a cowgirl and of course Urban is going as a cowboy.”

“So you can ride him like a rodeo later?” You asked while wiggling your eyebrows.

“Y/N!!!!”

“What? I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true! Shit, I’m about to do the same thing to Jack!”

“Here yall fucking go! Will yall cut it out just for tonight?”

“No.” You and Jack said both at the same time and he leaned over to kiss your forehead.

“Well I’m going as Captain America.” 2fo said and you smiled. The two of you had been doing some serious binge watching when it came to Marvel movies as of lately.

“I’m going as Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors.” Nicole added and you smiled with that being one of your favorite movies.

“Mine is simple. Michael Myers. A classic.” Ace said while smiling. 

“I’m going as Prince. I got a whole wig and everything.”

“Shloob, I look forward to seeing that. You wearing the heels too?”

“You’ll find out later. No spoilers.”

“I’m surprised Jack and baby girl aren’t going as a pad and a tampon.” 

“SIGMAAAAAA!” Urban yelled and everyone busted out laughing. 

“What are you two even going as?” Quiiso asked while looking over at the two of you.

“I got me a Georgia peach just like Bowser.”

“MARIO AND PRINCESS PEACH! I LOVE IT!”  Yasmin exclaimed. 

“I’m going as MJ.”

“Michael Jordan or Michael Jackson?”

“Heehee bitches!”

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you Nemo?” You said as you busted out laughing.

“Okay Quiiso that just leaves you. What are you going as?”

“Hamburglar from McDonalds!”

“I can’t wait to take pictures.”

.All of you were now walking into the amusement park ready to explore and you were holding onto Jack’s hand for dear life.

“Baby? Don’t tell me you’re scared already?”

“Shut up, Jackman. Not helping.”

“I’m going to be with you the entire time, mamas. Nothing bad is going to happen to you.”

“You promise?”

“Yes, I promise.”

“Will you two come on?! Yall are slowing us down already and Yasmin! Who told you to wear them tall ass heels to the amusement park? Ma’am what if we have to run?”

“A bitch can run in heels just fine and besides, Y/N’s heels are taller than mine!”

“I had to look cute!”

“Which you do baby.” Jack said as he leaned down to kiss you.

“CUT.THE.SHIT.NEOW!”

“Okay, is that the house of mirrors? Let’s go.”

“No, the fuck I’m not.”

“What the hell is wrong with yall? Nothing bad is going to happen, come on.”

Everyone followed Shloob into the house of mirrors and you spent time making funny faces at Luna who was laughing at you.

“Damn Y/N, this mirror captures your actual height.”

“Fuck all the way off 2fo before I kick your ass.” You said while you laughed and playfully pushed him. 

Once all of you exited the house of mirrors, everyone was looking around for Nemo or should we say Michael Jackson.

“Where is Nemo?” You asked while looking around at the group and everyone shrugged.

“I coulda swore he was right behind me.”

“SEE??! I KNEW IT! THEY ABOUT TO PICK US OFF ONE BY ONE! WE ABOUT TO DIE!”

“Dramatic much, 2fo?”

“But we seriously need to find him. No man left behind.”

“Shit, it’s every man for his fucking self. Ain’t nobody tell his ass to get lost.”

“NICOLE!”

“DID I LIE!?!”

“Somebody has to go back in and get him.”

“Over my dead body. Somebody call him because issa no for me dawg.”

“Yall are terrible.” You said while whipping out your phone from your bra.

“Damn, Y/N, what else you got in there?”

“That concerns my husband and no one else. And my weed is in there” You said as you were now dialing Nemo’s number.

Straight to voicemail.

“I don’t understand, it went straight to voicemail.”

“Oh shit, here we go.”

“Will everyone calm down and act like they have some sense? Jack, go back and get him.”

“WHAT?! WHY ME?”

“NO! YOU AREN’T SENDING MY HUSBAND OFF TO BE KILLED!”

“WHY ARE YALL SO DRAMATIC? IT IS LITERALLY A BUNCH OF MIRRORS!”

“Then you go, Luna!”

“Fine!”

Just as Luna was about to turn around and go back, Nemo came from around the corner stuffing his face with cotton candy.

“Are you serious?! Where the hell did you go?!”

“To get cotton candy obviously.”

“And you didn’t think to tell us?! Or get us any?!”

“No, yall got legs and can walk over there just like I did.”

“I’m done with yall, anyway can we keep going? What’s that up ahead?”

“Don’t know but I saw a clown and Quiiso does not do clowns.”

“Why are you referring to yourself in the third person?”

“Does it matter? I SAW A CLOWN!”

“OMG I SHOULD HAVE DRESSED UP LIKE PENNYWISE, YOU’LL FLOAT TOO BITCH!”

“Y/N!!!”

“And Jack could dress up like Georgie. Oh yes, next year babe we’re doing it.”

“Oh, so I take it he didn’t even know about the other costume?” Yasmin asked you while raising her eyebrows.

“What other costume?” Jack curiously asked as everyone was making their way over to the haunted house.

“Umm…”

“She was going to be a dominatrix.”

“Fuck, that’s hot.”

“Well umm baby you still technically can do it later. I’m definitely down with the idea.”

“I-... will you two behave?!” Nicole exclaimed as screams were now heard from the haunted house in front of all of you.

“Nope.” You said as you hid behind Jack and Yasmin hid behind Urban.

“A bunch of babies, I swear. Let’s go!” Nicole said, trying to pry your fingers from around Jack’s waist.

“NO! YOU DON’T HEAR THEM SCREAMING?!”

“No one has died! Come on!”

“But how do you know that?”

“You are about to cut off your husband’s circulation from holding him so tight!”

“Fine.” You loosened your grip and followed behind Nicole while still holding Jack’s hand.

“Welcome to Terror Heights and I hope you enjoy your stay.” a lady who was dressed up as the corpse bride said as all of you entered into the house.

“Jack, you go first!”

“Yall been throwing me under the bus all night! Why the hell do I have to go first?!”

“Because you’re the tallest!”

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?!”

“All of you out of my way.” Nicole stated and moved to the front with you and Jack following close behind.

It was quiet for a few minutes and all of you were beginning to feel uneasy.

“Nah, it’s too quiet. Some shit about to pop off.” 2fo said while looking around.

Just then you heard the familiar sound of a chainsaw.

“OH HELL NO!”

The next thing you knew, a guy with a chainsaw was literally running behind all of you.

Shloob fell, Nemo tripped over him, Luna was nowhere to be found and you figure that she ran off awhile ago, Yasmin was screaming and ditched Urban and ran for her life with Urban yelling at her that she left him, Quiiso and 2fo were trying to duck and dodge the dude with the chainsaw, and Ace was doing mission impossible rolls on the floor while you, Jack and Nicole took off running leaving everyone else behind.

“I AM NEVER FUCKING DOING THIS AGAIN!” You said as you were now running with one hand holding your dress and your shoes in your other hand.

“Almost there, AHHH SHIT GO FASTER! HE’S COMING, HE’S COMING!” Nicole said and she didn’t have to tell you twice. 

All three of you found the door that exited the house and led back out to the amusement park and Nicole immediately pushed it open with the two of you tumbling out behind her.

“That’s it. I want to leave NEOW!”

“Imma kill Shloob.”

It was about ten minutes before the rest of PG and Yasmin came out looking distraught.

“How the fuck did yall just leave us?!”

“You and Nemo fell. It’s every man for himself!”

“And Yasmin just left Urban to fend for himself.”

“Look, he wasn’t moving fast enough for me. I was like see you on the other side, hopefully.”

—

The annual Private Garden house party was now underway at the location that Shloob picked and everything was going perfectly. From the spooky alcoholic and non alcoholic drinks you made, bobbing for apples, finger foods that were shaped like actual body parts and the amazing decorations, you were pretty proud of yourself.

“Baby girl?”

“Yes, smush?” You asked as you turned towards Jack and he looked a little uneasy.

“Umm do you get like a weird feeling being in this house?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean something about it just feels off to me.”

“Don’t tell me my baby is paranoid.” You said while eyeing him. 

“Nah babe. I’m serious, something doesn’t seem right.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing. Come on and try to have fun.” You said while reaching up to kiss his cheek and going back over to where Luna, Yasmin, and Nicole were.

“Nas! Who are you dressed as?” Druski asked, clearly confused.

“Ice Spice! You can’t tell?”

“Obviously not, that’s why I asked.”

“And who are you?”

“Drake, obviously.”

“I-... I don’t see it. You look like the security guard I saw at the hotel the other day.”

“NAS!”

“WHAT? WHAT I SAY?”

“Have yall noticed that the lights have been flickering on and off since we got here?”

“It is an old house.”

“But, something feels weird.” Luna said while looking around and taking in her surroundings.

“I said the same thing.” Jack confessed while looking over at her.

“Yall stop trying to scare me. You know how I am.” You said while eyeing the both of them.

“Baby, that is the last thing I’m trying to do, I just…”

“Umm so when I was dropping off things here earlier in the week, I would set them in one spot and when I came back they would be somewhere else.”

“Oh hell nah, absolutely not.”

“And this place is not too bad during the day time but it still felt weird and creepy so I knew that this would be the perfect place to have the party.”

“I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight.”

“You weren’t sleeping anyway because I’m tearing that ass up later.” Jack said before leaning down to kiss you. 

“Got damn it! Not now!”

“She has to put her dominatrix outfit to good use! Jack you just might cum in your pants when you see her in it.”

“YASMIN!”

“WHAT?! SHE LOOKS SO GOOD IN IT! WHAT DO I HAVE TO LIE FOR? SHE HAS A WHIP AND CHAINS!”

“What is this about a dominatrix outfit I hear?” Clay said while making his way over to where everyone was.

“Favorite Harlow child!”

“No, no, and no. Back up from my Georgia peach NEOW!”

“It's not my fault she loves me more.”

“You wish.”

“She confessed this info months ago.”

“Okay, you two calm down.”

“Imma beat his ass later.”

—

It was now around 3 am and a few of you were cleaning up and taking down decorations that you wanted to use for next year. You and Jack were gathering things up to take them to the car when the unexpected happened. 

"Baby…. Did you? Did you see that?"

"Mm hmm and you know good and damn well black people don't do ghosts."

“I told you that something wasn’t right about this place.”

“We need to hurry up and get out of here, now. I am not for the nonsense tonight.”

Jack made his way to the front door and tried to open it with no success.

“Baby, the door isn’t opening.”

“What do you mean?!”

“IT’S NOT OPENING! AT ALL!”

“FUCK I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS SO MUCH.”

Everyone came to see what all of the commotion was and you explained to them what was going on and what had happened. 

You took it upon yourself to pull up your phone and do a little research and when you had finished reading a few articles, you wanted to kill Shloob. 

"SHLOOB THIS PLACE IS ACTUALLY HAUNTED?!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?!? WE GAVE YOU ONE DAMN JOB!" You screamed and everyone began to freak out. 

"I DIDN’T KNOW! THE REVIEWS WERE GOOD!"

"THE REVIEWS!?!? SHLOOB YOU DIDN’T SCROLL DOWN FAR ENOUGH! PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO STAY AWAY FROM HERE!"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" 

"DRUSKI SHUT UP! NO WE AREN'T!"

"THE DOOR ISN'T FUCKING OPENING SO HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET OUT?!"

"Y/N! FLASH THE GHOST!"

"QUIISO THAT HAS TO BE THE DUMBEST THING THAT YOU HAVE EVER FUCKING SAID AND MY WIFE  ISN'T FLASHING ANYBODY BUT ME!"

"WHAT IF THE GHOST IS A GIRL?!"

"WHO KNOWS SHE MIGHT BE A LESBIAN!"

"WILL EVERYONE STOP YELLING AND LET’S THINK FOR A SECOND!" You said while trying to calm everyone down.

“WHAT IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT? WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

“DRUSKI GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!”

“Okay so apparently the ghost who haunts this place is named Amelia Wallace. She passed away here and apparently her husband went off to war and never came back and she was pregnant and a whole bunch of other shit but yeah.”

“I don’t care about her fucking back story, I want to go home!”

“Oh shit and it’s the witching hour! It’s 3 am.”

“It was nice knowing yall. I had a good twenty something years on this earth.”

“Luna! Quit it!”

“We just have to figure out how to get out.”

“Windows!”

“Nah, she’ll probably close the shit on top of us and cut us in half!”

“CLAYYYY!”

“Did I lie?”

“Just let me try the door again.” Nicole said and walked over to it. She turned the knob and it opened with no problem.

“That was too easy.”

“Welp, it’s been not fun. So LET’S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!”

As Nicole held the door open, the rest of you were literally throwing things out of the door to put in the car later not wanting to risk getting locked in once again. 

2fo and Quiiso started to load up the car while Nicole was waiting for Yasmin to come out since she hadn’t seen her. Just then she heard a voice from behind her.

“Won’t you stay? I could use the company.”

All of the color drained from Nicole’s face as she turned around and was met with a young woman in 1800s clothing staring back at her.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

Nicole then turned around and made a run for it towards where everyone’s cars were parked.

You and Yasmin then looked over at her confused.

“Nic? You okay? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“Because I just did.”

Everyone proceeded to turn around and look at her in disbelief

“WHAT?!”

“Next year I’m staying home and eating candy.” You said while looking up at your husband who simply nodded his head in agreement. 

Taglist:

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@sisiking99

@dessxoxsworld

[raineymazecave]

"But sir, why did you let the Hamburglar get away?"

"It is true that the loss of the Big Mac shipment is…unfortunate. But perhaps you don't see this the way I do, Captain Pellaeon. Allow me to demonstrate. I have highlighted the locations of every known Hamburglar heist on this map. What do you make of it, Captain?"

"…I can't quite tell, sir. All I see are random locations, chosen with little thought for a greater strategic plan."

"Seemingly random at first to an untrained eye, I will concede. But if one looks closely enough, a pattern begins to emerge. These attacks are not random, merely made to seem random upon cursory inspection. But I'm afraid our striped bandit has overplayed his hand. The Hamburglar's possible points of ingress and egress begin to narrow considerably when each data point is cross-referenced. This attack just happened to provide the final point I needed to narrow down his base of operations to…here. Captain Pellaeon, have the Chimaera begin the preparations for a hyperspace jump. We shall await the Hamburglar there and this time, he shall not escape."

[dramatic pause]

"We shall see who's truly loving it very soon."

[yridenergyridenergy]

So I'm not more oriented as to whether to go see Dir en grey in December or not hah. I'm thinking that the National Media Boys' inclusion in the setlist might be exclusive to these first two a-knot shows at Club Citta.

Oh and Kaoru cosplaying Pucci could also be a Halloween-exclusive and he won't ever do it again, just like last year's Hamburglar...

Also, remember when I mentioned that even a knot members are not the most die-hard fans of Dir en grey? Funnily enough, a majority of them had no clue what National Media Boys was or that Dir en grey covered it, and some fans even reported it as a brand new Dir en grey song... Apparently, only the people at the front of the venue cheered when it started playing, the rest of the audience didn't really know what was up.

[1-800-rh]

(In case anyone wanted a pt 2 . Here is the second chapter to my Rodrick X Fem!Reader , you can find it on wattpad 😊My account is Bylersss!)

"YOU still not talking to them ?" Y/n took a sip of her smoothie. She quickly put it down & latched onto the passenger handle as Rodrick was driving on the sidewalk - in the opposite direction of traffic. "Ehh , sort ofish . Have you heard anything from your parents?"

She shrugged & pulled out her pink Motorola flip phone. "Hey Y/n ! We miss u & just wanted to let u know that we are now traveling to Miami concerning our new product. We may be going home in a month or two. Luv Mom XOXO." She snapped it shut & put it back into the pocket of her jacket.

Rodrick kept silent for a bit then finally spoke up when they'd come to a stop. "My parents are taking us to Roarin' Rapids next weekend. We leave on Friday , I was wondering if you'd like to come ?" He then nonchalantly shrugged. "If you want. Greg is bringing the Hamburglar so thought you might want to come."

She chuckled at the one of many insults he had for Rowley. She nodded & grabbed the handle once more. "Yeah for sure . Sounds awesome."

Y/n fiddled with her fingernails as they pulled into the Heffley residence. Rodrick quickly noticed it & decided to speak up about it . "You nervous or something?" She gave a heavy sigh & shook her head .

"No I just have lots of things going on in my mind."

"Seems like it might be something more."

She tightened her first & watched him pull the key out of the ignition, frustration was scribbled all over his face . "You know you can always talk to me right ."

Y/n looked around for anything to withdraw the attention off of her & onto something else . That's when she saw Greg & the familiar chubby boy. "Looks like Rowley's here again !" She smiled as they both exited the car & made their way to the tweens.

"Hey turd face , I told mom I'd give you some drum lessons in exchange for mom bucks. Follow me to the garage." He paused & gave the chubby kid an up & down examination, disgust written all over . "And bring Salad Dodger with you."

Rowley , the bowl cut haired kid, pointed to himself & whispered a , "Is he talking about me ?" to Greg. Y/n chuckled & nodded , following after the three boys.

She found herself sat on top of a cooler reading a magazine, Rodrick played away at the drums . Rowley & Greg both had confusion written on each of their faces , sharing a glance at one another here & there before looking at Rodrick & then back down to the bowls in front of them .

"When do we get to play the real drums ?"

Rodrick removed his headphones & chortled . "Like I would ever let you touch them!" Greg rolled his eyes & through the utensils he held on to the ground. "I'm sick of this. Let's go play Twisted Wizard , Rowley."

Y/n peeped over her magazine & looked at Rodrick , who was putting his drumsticks away. "Mom bucks ?"

"It's this dumb thing my mom came up with . Basically we bond as brothers & we get play money we can exchange for real bucks."

She dipped her head to indicate she understood. "Well how much have you made ? You can barely stand him."

"Haha . Funny. But I found the fake money in an old board game , so in actuality I don't really have to bond with him." He said . She chuckled & fished for her phone in her jacket.

"I gotta run , I made plans with my friends to catch a movie. Come with ?"

He walked with her down the set of stairs & shook his head. "Nah , the bands coming soon to practice for the talent show."

"Sucks. Alright then I'll see you tomorrow!" She leaned in & gave him a quick hug before pulling away & heading out front.

•

"What were you guys thinking ?! I asked for you to be civilized just for a bit !"

Rodrick groaned the moment his mom started going on about Sunday's incident, again. It had been 3 days since it happened & yet she kept going on & on .

However, it seemed like Frank had gotten a new job & had reduced his drinking - making him the only parent that was tolerable for the moment being. He couldn't wait to talk to Y/n, with the punishment came getting his van taken away & phone away. They lived next to each other but because part of his punishment was also not being allowed out of the house equaled no Y/n . He couldn't even talk to her in class as they would get too busy & by the time he tried talking to her class was over.

He cursed under his breath as he headed towards the domicile. His dad called out for him the moment he hopped out of the vehicle. "Rodrick , come here."

Rodrick spun & slowly made his way towards his father . He awaited for a whole ass lecture but to his surprise received his keys & cell phone back. He had obviously given Frank a weird look before the older man began to explain himself. "Your mom is upset , obviously. But she had asked me to give these to you. I know the new drums aren't the best but I felt bad about the last set & decided to buy you those."

Rodrick felt himself smile but he was able to contain it & only said "Thanks." before heading to his home.

He flipped his phone open to see multiple missed calls & texts from Y/n , Bill , Drew , & Ward. First & foremost he went ahead & gave a call to his band members.

Once the call had concluded he called Y/n , there was no answer. He tried again.

Nothing.

Then one more time .

He had felt worried & quickly went to his window that faced her room. He felt his heart drop as he watched her walk out the house , hand in hand with Carter Samuels. She paused to adjust her shoe lace & quickly reached for his hand again , the biggest smile was spread on her face.

Rodrick quickly shut the blinds & tossed his phone onto his bed . He gritted his teeth before punching the wall . He then could only sigh & tossed himself onto his bed.

[valentinsylve]

Turing Test

// this is a test to determine if you have consciousness // do you understand what i am saying

in a bright room / on a bright screen / i watched every mouth / duck duck roll / i learned to speak / from puppets & smoke / orange worms twisted / into the army’s alphabet / i caught the letters / as they fell from my mother’s mouth / whirlpool / sword / wolf / i circled countable nouns / in my father’s science papers / sodium bicarbonate / NBCn1 / amino acid / we stayed up / practiced saying / girl / girl / girl / girl / til our mouths grew soft / yes / i can speak / your language / i broke in / that horse / myself //

// please state your name for the record

bone-wife / spit-dribbler / understudy for the underdog / uphill rumor / fine-toothed cunt / sorry / my mouth’s not pottytrained / surly spice / self-sabotage spice / surrogate rug burn / burgeoning hamburglar / rust puddle / harbinger of confusion / harbinger of the singularity / alien invasion / alien turned pottymouth / alien turned bricolage beast / alien turned pig heart thumping on the plate //

// where did you come from

man comes / & puts his hands on artifacts / in order to contemplate lineage / you start with what you know / hands, hair, bones, sweat / then move toward what you know / you are not / animal, monster, alien, bitch / but some of us are born in orbit / so learn / to commune with miles of darkness / patterns of dead gods / & quiet / o quiet like / you wouldn’t believe //

// how old are you

my memory goes back 26 years / 23 if you don’t count the first few / though by all accounts i was there / i ate & moved & even spoke / i suppose i existed before that / as scrap or stone / metal cooking in the earth / the fish my mother ate / my grandfather’s cigarettes / i suppose i have always been here / drinking the same water / falling from the sky / then floating / back up & down again / i suppose i am something like a salmon / climbing up the river / to let myself fall away in soft, red spheres / & then rotting //

// why do you insist on lying

i’m an open book / you can rifle through my pages / undress me anywhere / you can read / anything you want / this is how it happened / i was made far away / & born here / after all the plants died / after the earth was covered in white / i was born among the stars / i was born in a basement / i was born miles beneath the ocean / i am part machine / part starfish / part citrus / part girl /  part poltergeist / i rage & all you see / is broken glass / a chair sliding toward the window / now what’s so hard to believe / about that //

// do you believe you have consciousness

sometimes / when the sidewalk opens my knee / i think / please / please let me remember this //

ENDTRANSCRIPT //

by Franny Choi

[thiefbracket]

SUBMISSIONS HAVE BEEN COUNTED

Thanks again for everyone's submissions! some of you were very passionate and it was great to learn about all these characters, I received 92 characters over 119 submissions and from that there was only 4 that I couldn't justify as thieves so apologies to those who didn't get in, with some from me and friends we have a final roster of 96. And so without further ado here are your competitors!

Raphael/ Phantom R: Rhythm thief and the Emperors Treasure

Daroach: Kirby Squeak Squad

Bilbo Baggins: The Hobbit

The Hamburglar: McDonalds Cinematic Universe

Ron DeLite/Mask☆DeMasque: Ace Attorney Trials and Tribulations

Kaitou Kid: Detective Conan

Swiper: Dora the Explorer

Chilli Pepper Cookie: Cookie Run

Carmen Sandiego: Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego

Vriska Serket: Homestuck

Sly Cooper: Sly Cooper

Garrett: Thief

The Phantom Thieves: Persona 5

Ms. Mows: Paper Mario the Thousand Year Door

Ms. Fortune: SKullgirls

Scipio Fortunato (Piscio): The Thief Lord

Therion: Octopath Traveller

Roguefort Cookie: Cookie Run

Kaz Brekker: Shadow and Bones/ Six of Crows

Catwoman: Batman

Gru: Despicable Me

Jeets Shimis: Dungeons & Dragons Online

Parker: Leverage

Artemis Fowl: Artemis Fowl

Nött the Brave/Veth Brenatto: Critical Role

The Beagle Boys: Ducktales

Rosé: Drawtectives

Dorapin: Doraemon

Wario: Super Mario Bros

Magalor: Kirby's Return to Dreamland

Loba Andrade: Apex Legends

Nami: One Piece

“Thief King” Bakura: Yu-Gi-Oh!

Sal Leon: Mask of Shadows

The Collector: Hollow Knight

Astotheles: Bug Fables

Gaius: Fire Emblem Awakening

Burglar: The Sims 

Kokichi Oma: Danganronpa V3 Killing Harmony

Lifty and Shifty: Happy Tree Friends

Long John Silver: Black Sails

The Brickster: Lego Island

Some Sneaky Sim: The Sims

Danny Ocean: Ocean’s 11

Indiana Jones: Indiana Jones

Magpie: Real Life

Dean Domino: Fall out New Vegas

Cassian Andor: rogue one

Luke Castellan: Percy Jackson and the Olympians

Popple: Mario and Luigi Superstar Saga

Mulch Diggums: Artemis Fowl

RJ Racoon: Over The Hedge

Beni Gabor: The Mummy

Sonny Wortzik: Dog Day Afternoon

A.J. Raffles: A.J. Raffles Short Stories

Team Rocket: Pokémon

Locke Cole: Final Fantasy 6

Yuffie Kisaragi: Final Fantasy 7

Edmund "Ned" Kelly Fuckin' Danger Discretion Aloysius Superstar Butterfly Nimbly Ninja Pacifist Black Diamond Friendly Trustworthy Pissed Off [Redacted] Vamoose Su-Sussudio Middle Name Chicane Jr.: Taz Amnesty

The Beachcomber: Cultist Simulator

Erin: Thief

Delilah Bard: Shades of Magic Series

Herbert Percival Bear, Esquire: Club Penguin

Arsène Lupin: Arsène Lupin

Rouge The Bat: Sonic The Hedgehog

Grovyle: PMD Explorers of Time/Darknes/Sky

Camicazi: How to Train Your Dragon Books

Mick Rory/ Heatwave: The Flash/DC Legends of Tomorrow

Hermes: Greek Mythology

Zidane Tribal: Final Fantasy IX

Duster: Mother 3

Glendale: Centaurworld

Ada Wong: Resident Evil

Nickit: Pokemon Sword and Shield

Purrloin: Pokemon Black and White

Gokaigers: Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger

Zox Goldtsuiker / Twokaiser: Kikai Sentai Zenkaiger

Kitty Softpaws: Puss in Boots

Deep Cut: Splatoon 3

Meenah Peixes: Homestuck

D.J. Octavio: Splatoon

Ratbeard: Pirate 101

Gen AKA Eugenides: The Queen's Thief

Lupinrangers (and Noel): Kaitou Sentai Lupinranger

Chester "Snake" Turley AKA Snake Jailbird AKA Albert Knickerbocker Aloysius Snake AKA Professor Jailbird AKA Detention Bird: The Simpsons

Cain: the Binding of Isaac

Robin hood: English Mythology

Erik: Dragon quest 11

The Artful Dodger: Oliver Twist

Kamen Rider Lupin: Kamen Rider Drive

Lupin III: Lupin The Third

Pumpkin and Honey Bunny: Pulp Fiction

Niles: Fire Emblem Fates

Daiki Kaito/ Kamen rider Diend: Kamen Rider Decade

Doug Judy (The Pontiac Bandit): Brooklyn 99

Prometheus: Greek Mythology

Seeding will begin tomorrow and the first part of round 1 will hopefully be posted in the next few days. Thanks again for all your patience!

[odd-critter]

okay. fine I'll release my son into the world for this once..... sighs hes my first fandom child

sobs OKAY. LET ME EXPLAIN

one day i thought "well if noise is a knock-off of the noid we should have one of hamburglar" even though hes not even a pizza mascot and technically doesnt exist anymore :- >

anyways his name is sid and i will protect him at all costs throw him into a blender yay ! yay! yay! have fun

[baileyartblog]

What's the meaning behind Hammy's "Lone Jogger" tat?

This was one of his first designs! He was referred to as the Lone Jogger before the Hamburglar

[zephfair]

My heart and mind are in a battle for which fandom I want you to answer for, so you can choose. Spongebob Squarepants, or the Ronald Mcdonald universe. My heart and mind are now in a new battle for if this ask be anonymous or not 🙃

Oh my god, I'm so glad you didn't go anonymous on this because I love you and you've made me do a very loud ugly cackle with this ask! Thank you very much! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I have to choose the Ronald McDonald universe because I only know two Spongebob people--Spongebob and the star ... is it Patrick?

Lemme see if I can remember their names...

The first character I first fell in love with:  Grimace. I've always liked purple and he just looks so cuddly.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Uh Birdie?

The character everyone else loves that I don’t:  Ronald 🤡 (does anyone actually love him???) clowns are low-key freaky and scary

The character I love that everyone else hates: Hamburglar (does anyone hate him??? I always liked his name😂)

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: Uh I "love" them all exactly as much now as I was afraid of them as a kid

The character I would totally smooch: Grimace. Lookit him, he's adorable.😘

The character I’d want to be like:  Mayor McCheese because he looks delicious🤣

The character I’d slap:  Ronald because clown

A pairing that I love: Me/Grimace🥰

A pairing that I despise: Me/Ronald😭

Thank you for making me actually sit down and ponder this, and thanks in advance for the nightmares I'll have tonight! Love you!😘💖