#the harsh reality that i must pander and that i must pander hard

[keniaku]

[id: chibi fanart of four out of the seven archons, includes: venti. he's skipping cheerfully, pointing his finger towards the sky. behind him is the mondstadt emblem, resembling a windmill. zhongli. he's standing calmly with his hands behind his back. behind him is the liyue emblem, resembling a weight. a chibi art of ei. she's brandishing her sword calmly yet menacingly. behind her is the inazuma emblem, resembling a torii gate with an eye looming above it, and three eyes nestling under it. a chibi art of nahida. she's floating cheerfully. behind her is the sumeru emblem, resembling a branching tree with heart patterns. /end id]

4/7 archons

[blackhermionegrangers]

This might be an unpopular opinion but w/e lol as a Muslim I’m getting more and more weary of the discourse that happens every time there’s a movie or show about a Muslim girl who struggles with her faith/culture. I know we are all fed up with the “Muslim girl is oppressed by her religion and her mean oppressive family and must be liberated by the west by taking off her hijab and kissing a white boy” narrative, I get that it’s racist and islamophobic and misogynistic, and I get that we want and should have other narratives, I agree with all of that but like..... it’s reached a point where people seem to react negatively any time we have a story where a Muslim girl struggles with her faith/culture in any capacity and it always inevitably leads to the assertion that “this isn’t reality, Muslim girls don’t go through this!!!” and i just don’t think we as muslims are doing ourselves any favours by acting as though this kind of stuff doesn’t happen. There are women and girls who are forced to wear the hijab, there are Muslim girls whose families are strict and harsh on them, there are Muslim girls who do feel stifled and uncertain about their faith or culture. Sexism is deeply ingrained in many Muslim cultures and it does harm and alienate girls, especially young girls. It does happen. There are muslims of all genders who literally leave the religion because their experiences with other muslims have been so negative and toxic that it broke their faith. It’s terrible and uncomfortable, but it is the truth and I don’t think we’re doing ourselves any favours by pretending it doesn’t happen.

With that said I do get why we (and I’m including myself in this because this is still my own knee jerk reaction as well) push back so hard on this because it is the predominant narrative in the west about Islam and muslims, it’s one of the only narratives about Muslim women n girls that we see, it is often racist and islamophobic, and we want to counter it. I get that. I think because of the prevalence of this islamophobia we are hyper aware of narratives that even have the potential to demonize islam and muslims, and we react defensively when we see them and want to insist that these problems don’t exist, but who does this benefit? What does it do to act as though Muslim girls who are not always perfect and confident and self-assured in this regard do not exist? In a way we are still performing for the white gaze, except this time we are trying to project this perfect respectable image as if that’s going to save us or stop islamaphobes and/or imperialists from harming us.

And another thing that annoys me about it is that we will also get stories about Muslim men that are literally the exact same thing but gender swapped; feeling alienated and stifled and trapped by the culture, wanting to escape it, being “freed” by rebelling against it and running into the arms of a white woman. And yet (from what I have seen at least, correct me if I’m wrong) those stories don’t receive the nearly as much backlash as the stories with Muslim women doing the exact same thing.

Idk. Obviously the “oppressed Muslim girl who needs to be liberated by the west/white people” and the obsession with Muslim women n girls taking off their hijabs are racist and islamophobic as fuck. Obviously we should have other narratives, including ones where being Muslim isn’t necessarily the centre of the narrative. But I also think it’s possible and in fact a good thing to have narratives abt Muslim girls struggling w their culture, as long as it’s done well, without the racism and islamophobia and sensationalism and pandering to the white gaze, without portraying Muslim women as powerless people with no agency who need to be liberated by the west, with the care and thoughtfulness and understanding and nuance that it deserves.

[sagebodisattva]

Epistemological Solipsism

So much of the externalization conditioning, and any kind of conditioning really, is set in place by erroneous assumptions. We overlook this, as, early on in existence, in the more immature stages of our egoic development, without consciously knowing it, we establish dubious premises that quickly solidify into foundational beliefs that shape our entire view of reality. And if these types of shoe'd in assumptions manage to put down roots on firm grounds, which they almost always do, they will be almost impossible to undo. And so imagine the type of quandary this presents when the kinds of assumptions that one has accepted, hence becoming the potential bedrock of a belief system without any pensive review, are actually false or faulty! This is the beginning of mental slavery, as any false assumption about existence will necessarily have you assigning power to something you are imagining to be outside of yourself... or perhaps to something you are APART of, or are a byproduct of... as the case may be... but in each and every case, it is voluntary self disempowerment... and whether it was willful, innocuous, unconscious, or deceptively introduced, matters not. What matters now is that you are anchored to a false position, that becomes the trap to which you remain tethered, which will thereby direct assignments of power to illusions, based on the default designs of this organizational arrangement.

This is important to understand, as so much of mental illness, or spiritual sickness if you will, relies on sustaining ignorance of the truth. But it's totally up to you if you want to break free from the false programming. And this doesn't mean a conversion to an alternative programming. This means a liberation from all programmings, and standing in the light of the truth, which needs no support, needs no selling points, needs no shuck n' jive, nor song and dance. The truth always speaks for itself, while the lie requires contrived narrative. And this is exactly why false existential assumptions are deceptively introduced into your qualitative being; because despite what most of us would like to believe, there's no way to really force delusion on anyone. Yeah, maybe you think you could try to torture someone into accepting it, but any such acceptance wouldn't be authentic, as anyone would pretend to accept anything just to stop the torture. One does not hold what is not held in the heart. Or maybe you think you could force it into a mind through coercive re-education or brainwashing, but a truly strong mind can never be forced into delusion. If the mind relents, it's due to it's own immature strength and the natural tendency to compromise as an easy way out.

And sometimes we hear about other such things, like harsh physical circumstances having the ability to break a spirit, but I think stoicism has pretty much demonstrated this to be a fallacy. Oh, am I saying this only because I haven't suffered to the proper degree? Or, did you just give up and are now cynically guising that failure beneath a sneering justification? No. The only way a conditioning can successfully infect a consciousness is by invitation, compromise or unchecked deceptive infiltration, all of which gain access through avenues of permission. The fact that that they are granted entry with permission is exactly why the programming is so grueling to unseat. A belief forced on someone will not long be held. A belief willingly embraced by someone, unconsciously or not, will be defended to often extreme limits. And it's not too hard to figure out why, as the conditioning has become a best friend. The conditioning provides security and comfort to a contrived identity that seeks normalcy, familiarity, predictability and routine; all of which combine to form a malaise of deprivation, lethargy, and boredom. A sitting duck, aptly primed to be stalked by death itself.

So this is why there is so much circumvention of solipsism, a so called philosophy that's implications could be called to be in accord with the truth; because if you ever figure your way out of the externalization conditioning, you will inevitably attain power of mind, and then less power will be assigned to the illusions, and if that happens, you will become difficult to control. Hence why "they" must do every thing they can to stop you.

So this brings us upon the subject of epistemological solipsism. What is epistemological solipsism? Epistemological solipsism is the variety of idealism according to which only the directly accessible mental contents of the solipsistic philosopher can be known. The existence of an external world is regarded as an unresolvable question rather than actually false.

And so, this is why I don't consider epistemological solipsism to be all that useful of an application. It's kinda like solipsism lite; with light being spelled "L I T E", clarified as such so as to invoke the correct tone of connotation. Of course, as usual, we note that epistemological solipsism is touted as a variety of idealism, which frames the entire consideration as unrealistic, ie: existing only in the imagination; desirable or perfect, but not likely to become a reality; which thereby downgrades the significance of the truth that only directly accessible mental contents of a solipsistic philosopher can be known. As if there was some other way for knowns to be accessed by a philosopher. Whether knowledge is acquired directly, indirectly, empirically, or dogmatically, matters not, as any possible synthesis or transference of knowledge is only going to be through a mental medium.

But then comes the funny part: The existence of an external world is regarded as an unresolvable question rather than actually false. Hmmmm. Might this position be more aptly called agnostic solipsism? I guess this position is one more interested in upholding the integrity of intellectual honesty rather then standing in the light of the existential truth. It's an interesting position to be sure, as it teeters on the fence of the truth, afraid to fully commit because it knows it can't prove the truth by the rules that the externalization conditioning demands, and yet, oddly, still seeks to placate and pander to it somewhat, by upholding it's standards. It's obvious from this, that the epistemological solipsist has a lot more work to be done nihilistically, and might prove to benefit from some psycho-nautical exploration, or deep meditation.

And so, by this epistemological standard, which is actually less solipsistic due to it's externalization mindset of an extrinsically existing universe who's qualities can only be known through a set of separated sense organs, epistemological solipsists claim that realism requires the question:

“Assuming that there is a universe independent of an agent's mind and knowable only through the agent's senses, how is the existence of this independent universe to be scientifically studied?"

Well, that's the thing. Sure it's a required question for realism, but it's also an equally required question for the epistemological solipsist, who probably never thought to answer it himself. What is the alternative to knowledge based on the interpretations of the five senses? As a solipsist, the answer should be clear, but let us not forget that what we are dealing with is, not so much a solipsist, but rather, an externalist who's merely conceded that anything known about the universe is confined to sensory data. Despite admitting the purely mental nature of existence, they are not yet ready to go as far as admitting the universe is completely imaginary and that reality is a production of the mind. And so, here we find it: the epistemological solipsist's willingness to take on the false existential assumption, while afraid to commit to implications of the truth of his own position, in order to satisfy the dictates of physical science, which is completely constructed upon the externalization conditioning. It seems the only thing epistemological solipsism wants to clarify is that objectivity requires an assumption; and as long as this point is understood, it's completely willing to concedes to the outlines of the physical model of existence. But why? If it's false then why take on such a assumption at all? Yeah, I know people don't wanna let go of their ideological attachments. People don't want to let go of old physical science, in the same way they don't want to let go of religion.

“Oh Sage, they are not the same thing!”

Yeah Charlie. That isn't the point, and not what I was saying anyway. Science may have a bit more credibility then religion, as it does seek to build knowledge on observable phenomena, but it still falls short, as it is founded on a false premise about reality that simply isn't true. The false premise that calls itself, "realism". Isn't that some shit? Realism and idealism are both supposedly philosophical concepts equally up for debate, yet mind independent reality gets the title of realism, why mind dependent reality gets the title of idealism. Hmmmm. Doesn't it seem that someone wants to slant the favor towards realism? Doesn't it seem that by these types of classifications, one position is being assigned a handicap while the other is assigned a disadvantage? One should wonder why this is.

So it seems that epistemological solipsism doesn't want to posit anything about what so obviously exists firsthand, and instead only wants to concern itself with the claims of knowledge within the illusion. Like a persona in a dream who doesn't want to concern itself with lucidity, but instead wants to make sure that it's clarified with the other personas that any knowledge in the reality is only applicable to the context of the sense perceptions of a subject. That's nice, and while it does stick one toe into the waters of solipsism, it doesn't hardly go deep enough into the truth. And that's because, in the grand scheme, knowledge is irrelevant to the nature of reality, and to uncover and become intimate with the nature of reality, doesn't involve learning, study or the acquisition of knowledge, which I know for many of you, presents an impasse that cannot be breached. Hence, the reason for the advent of epistemological solipsism: for those willing to explore only so far as it relates to what can be argued in conjunction to claimed knowledge and the mind of a subject.

So the utility of epistemological solipsism seems to support the maintenance of a general non-committal skepticism that asserts that truth is only that which can be be known directly through the five senses. Other then shattering the usually unchallenged authoritative assumptions of contemporary philosophical realism, what epistemological solipsism achieves is questionable. It isn't conducive towards lucidity, so what function does it serve within delusion? Perhaps merely to make for a more interesting offering of skeptical doubt to an argument made in philosophical discourse? Perhaps.

For, isn't that always the MO of a skeptic? Not so much to present an argument, but rather to just throw wrenches in existing arguments, and perhaps ridicule them for the sake of entertainment? But I dig the rigors that this places on the externalist. It certainly narrows the borders of what a realist can argue as knowledge. Which brings us many intriguing novelty considerations, such as when the epistemological solipsist asserts a classic argument typical for the position, such as: if a person sets up a camera to photograph the moon when he is not looking at it, then at best he can determine that there is an image of the moon in the camera when he eventually looks at it. Logically, this does not assure that the moon itself (or even the camera) existed at the time the photograph is supposed to have been taken. To establish that it is an image of an independent moon requires many other assumptions that amount to begging the question, which means to assume the conclusion of an argument—a type of circular reasoning, which is an informal fallacy, in which an arguer includes the conclusion to be proven within a premise of the argument, often in an indirect way such that its presence within the premise is hidden or at least not easily apparent.

This really puts the realist in a tight spot, as it also puts the burden of proof on the realist to show how aspects of reality are ontologically independent of our conceptual schemes, perceptions, linguistic practices, and beliefs, of which, might not even be possible to demonstrate. Yet, when all is said and done, epistemological solipsism doesn't really go as far as it should, and suspends any assertions that awareness is the primary foundation. So, as it stands, it is merely a position that imposes a standard upon what can be accepted as truth within knowledge.

As for answering the question of, if a philosopher can only truly know the aspects of his own mind, then how should a philosopher go about studying the universe, it loses it way, for it would rather assume objectivity in the name of science with a stricter standard rather then follow the implications of the position and discover the accurate premise; which reveals that there really is no universe "out there" to assume exists objectively in the first place. Lucidity, or awareness of the dream, is revealed through focusing on the source of attention, not through the examination of dream details.

[ladybuvelle]

I find it odd that you often have posts about feeling excluded in the community, given your generally high activity levels and the great level of respect and personal adoration I hold for you. Of course, from outside, one never gets the full tory. I think you're a driven individual who is at times too harsh on herself but who also deserves a better situation than the one you have. You're a skilled artist and immensely dedicated.

// First of all: thank you for the kind words.

But more pressingly onto the subject of exclusion… it’s hard to talk about without giving specific examples, but when I look back on it it’s been a role playing career problem for me for years. I’m talking over a decade of role playing on various platforms and in very differing fandoms and “cultures”, but the same problems exist everywhere.

I’ve been hurt before. I’m an old hand when it comes to role play, and I feel like I’ve basically seen the medium from enough sides to know how the tropes and patterns go by now. But I’ve been hurt. Over time I’ve become more guarded, more selective about who I give my time and emotions. Because there are few things that hurt me more than giving someone my all only to have them abandon me in the end. It’s happened too many times. And admittedly, many times I could have prevented it if I’d just been smarter about the company I kept. But abusive relationships wouldn’t be what they are if everyone was so logical. I’ve stuck with people I had no business sticking with because I felt like I had nothing else.

Coming to Tumblr saved my life, literally and figuratively. I’ve said it many times and I’ll keep saying it because it continues to be true even today. But I’m not stupid or blind to what goes on here. Coming here showed me new ways people could hurt me or reject me; for example, I play Sona as straight. I’ve had people who couldn’t quite grasp that idea. Or I’ve had guys who were WAY too pushy about shipping with my muse, or getting really creepy and uncomfortable in the way they’d treat me.

I’ve been told by some dude who I thought was my friend, after a sudden and long-winded life story I didn’t ask for, that my feelings didn’t matter because he had a mental illness. And then when I immediately broke contact with him he was so buttmad about it he put in his blog rules that he didn’t want to hear about me or my blog, but that if people wanted to know about it he’d tell them. I had people over a year later coming to me asking what the hell was up because he was still talking about me. I’d never called him out. I’d never really gossiped or slandered him before then. And I won’t say who he was because what’s done is done and I really don’t even care anymore about it - it’s just one example of how easy it is to get a bad reputation here.

People meet me, decide how they feel about me, and then tell their friends, and their friends form opinions about me based on second-hand brief encounters. I actually had someone fairly recently say how “uncomfortable” I made them despite never having spoken to me personally before - all based on a few loose facts. I did get to speak to them, but I was left utterly baffled by the whole experience.

I’ve had someone block me all because they thought I called them selfish, when in reality I was just trying to tell them to try and look at things from another perspective and be proud of the work they do. I was asked to leave an art group for it. One person “””joked””” they wanted to “fight me”. I hadn’t cringed that hard in ages.

I’ve had people tell me I embarrassed them by casually correcting them on lore things, or being “too knowledgeable” about their chosen muse, or because I’m not pandering to their spells of self-hate and angst. I’ve been told I “don’t get it”, or that I’m “weird” for the way I run certain things or my mentality on certain things. There are people I really think I could have been friends with who spoke to me maybe once and have since given me the cold shoulder - and I have no idea why, or how, or what to even do about it. So I don’t do anything about it.

A lot of it? I don’t care. If I were to sit around and cry about every person I’ve somehow hurt or who hurt my feelings, I’d be a shriveled corpse by now. I have more important things to worry about than petty drama or how ___ feels about me or if ___ is talking behind my back. I keep a very, very small personal friend group. And when I say “small” I mean literally like 2-3 people that I talk to with any kind of regularity. If that.

Every attempt to make a new friend is seasoned with anxiety these days. How do they know me? Are they friends with ___? Are they going to have some kind of expectation? Do they even have an interest in my muse? Am I even going to like them?

So yes. To a certain extent I do feel excluded sometimes. I don’t ever want to make a big deal out of things here because that’s stupid and drama is stupid. I’ve never really and extensively talked about the things listed above on the blog because, frankly, it’s all my own personal business that no one else should be involved in. I’m not here to do call-out posts or tell you not to follow XYZisms or whatever the fuck because they hurt my feelings. If anything, when I do talk to someone about a lot of these encounters, I always point out that “I’m not going to tell you not to follow them, because they’re still very talented/probably just aren’t friend-compatible with me/etc.” Unless I feel someone is a real danger to others, I’m never going to tell people “stay away!”. That’s a shitty thing to do.

It does, however, mean awkwardly excusing myself from certain chat groups, or game sessions, or whatever have you - because I’m not going to be that person who stays where she isn’t wanted. I have a lot of personal integrity. If people see me for who I am and appreciate it, then I appreciate it too. If you’re just going to judge me based on something your friend told you, or because I maybe made a post or image that made you uncomfortable for some reason? That’s your right.

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel it, though. I’m not a rock. I just want to be here and have fun… I hate walking on eggshells for people.

I could also get into the whole issue of “depression culture” here on Tumblr, where it’s practically fashionable to be self-hating and sad, but it’s too broad a subject to comment on and I fully understand that some people are actually, legitimately depressed and suffering and have no outlet. I suffer a lot, too. I’m doing the best I can with it every day. And just because I can handle certain things doesn’t mean other people can just as easily.

I’ve been berated for being strong in the face of my problems. I’ve been told I make people feel bad for being happy. How fucked is that? And god forbid I don’t pander to people who just want attention all the time. Or god forbid I actually try to reach out and help. But I guess I’m too old to understand the emotional young adult lifestyle. I’m 31. I’m far away from all that bullshit now, and even though I’m full of life advice and general perspective, it doesn’t matter because some people just wanna be angry or sad.

I’m not making fun. Sometimes that’s just how it is… you have to fall on your own and learn how to get up on your own.

I didn’t mean to go into this long-winded vent/rant, but I felt the need to explain these feelings that I know I must have been very vague about (on purpose). Communities are weird things. People don’t realize that with popularity comes a level of influence over others. Or they don’t realize that I can fucking see your racism, or whatever hateful shit you post.

Be kinder to each other. I’ll be fine in the long run, because I always am. But learn something, guys. Be more aware of the things you say and do and post.

[1nn32dem0n5]

i read the alchemist last night. i hate it. i can also see why its gotten such critical acclaim and recognition. it panders to the lowest, most basic drive that everyone is special and we all have our personal legends that we can achieve if only we’d have enough courage to give up our comfortable lives and wonder into the uncertain world. but don’t worry, the world will be on your side. it will protect you from thieves and from untimely deaths, as long as you listen to your heart. 

such bullshit. makes me want to barf. i’ve decided i cannot be friends with someone who thinks highly of this book. i do think highly of the author however. the writing is good, and clean and easy to read for the majority of the uneducated population making it available to pretty much anyone. the storytelling is vague as fuck so that anyone can interpret it by superposing their own shitty lives onto this sheep-fucking boy. has all the makings of a best seller if only one is willing to sell his soul to the devil. i may seem bitter towards this book, and i am. not because i am jealous of his success, or because i am upset that I've wasted 3 hours of my life reading it, or because its reminding me of the shitty situation i am stuck in. 

i’m bitter because i dont have my own personal legend. i dont think i ever have. my life never had a clear cut purpose, i mostly went along with the flow without asking too many questions as to where we are going. only in recent years have i begun asking such questions, but to no avail. answers aren’t coming and i know that if i dont start taking the reins i may end up in a place i hate. problem is, i dont have a clue as to where i should go. what does one do when one doesn’t know what they want? i envy simple people, the people who dream of cars and money and summer homes and traveling. they have such tangible dreams, however far apart they may be, they are dreams which one can work towards. 

i dont have a dream anymore. once upon a time i wanted to become a great physicist, and as all young physicists aspire to, i dreamed of nobel prizes and such shit. in my depression ive come to face hard truths and facts. i will never get the nobel prize. i will never achieve a majority of things i had always hoped for simply because i have not trained enough. yes there is talent but talent is bullshit. one must just work. my dreams these days are comfortable clothes, whiskey, pussy, cuddles, orgasms and drugs. such desires can be achieved with the most menial of jobs. so why am i trying so hard? im working hard to accomplish a dream that a much younger version of me had dreamt. i’ve woken up since then (have I?) and im stuck fulfilling someone elses goals. 

the question is not how do I fulfill them? but how do i fall back asleep? i dont want to face the harsh reality of the world anymore. i want to be a dreamer like i once was. i lived among illusions created in my own mind. i lived in a world of my own making and though i seemed to participate in the same humdrum as everyone else around me, i was constantly elsewhere: in my own happy place. 

i want to dream again, i just don’t know how to start. i don’t know who i am anymore. i think it was bukowski who said that “if youre losing your soul and know it then you’ve still got soul left to lose”. maybe this is the case, but i feel helpless to stop it. im paralyzed. my world is falling apart and all i can do is watch and quietly despair on the inside while writing edgy blog posts on tumblr. i should go do some derivations. just do it and stop thinking so much.