#the idea of trying to make MYSELF happy is. entirely beyond my scope of understanding

[lostlegendaerie]

"make art for you! do what makes you happy!" I don't even know who I am, much less what I fucking like

[felassan]

Some DA trivia and dev commentary from Twitter

There’s a lot of different tweets, so I’m just pasting and linking to the source rather than screencapping them all or making several different posts or something. Post under cut for length.

User: Was dragon age 2 your favourite in the franchise?

David Gaider: DA2 was the project where my writing team was firing on all cylinders, and they wrote like the wind- because they had to! Second draft? Pfft. Plot reviews? Pfft. I was so proud of what we all accomplished in such a brief time. I didn't think it was possible. [source] DA2 is, however, also where the goal posts kept moving. Things kept getting cut, even while we worked. I had to write that dialogue where Orsino turned even if you sided with him, because his boss battle had been cut and there was no time to fix the plot. A real WTF moment. >:( [source]

Mike Rousseau: I remember bugging that! And then being told it wasn't a bug, and being so confused. Doing QA for DA2 was an experience. Trial by fire. [source]

DG: So I think it's safe to say DA2 is my favorite entry in the DA franchise and also the sort of thing I never want to live through ever again. Mixed feelings galore. [source]

User: (I personally blame whoever it was for ruining most romance arcs in other games for me; they don't live up to Fenris's romance storyline)

DG: I wrote Fenris, so uh - me, I guess? Or maybe his cinematic designer, who put in the puppy dog eyes. [source]

User: If DA2 had just been an expansion, do you think it would have been better received? There was a lot of great stuff in there, and I think my initial dislike of it was because of the zone reuse. If it hadn't needed to be a full game, would that issue not have arisen?

DG: Hard to say. It was either going to be an over-scoped expansion or an under-scoped sequel. If it had stayed an expansion, it might never have received the resources/push it DID get. [source]

User: I'd love to visit the universe where you had an extra year or so to work on it. You did a very good job as it stands, but it definitely had rough edges. Not just the writing team either. The whole game had hit and miss moments, that just a little more dev time could have fixed.

DG: On one hand, DA2 existed to fill a hole in the release schedule. More time was never in the cards. DA2 was originally planned as an expansion! On the other, if we had more time, would we have started doing that thing where we second guess/iterate ourselves into mediocrity? [shrug emoji] [source] 

Jennifer Hepler: This is what I love about DA2. Personally, I greatly prefer something that's rough and raw and sincere to something that's had all the soul polished out of it. Extra time would have helped for art and levels, but it would have lost something too. [source]

DG: Right? I think we could have used some time for peer reviews (and fewer cuts), but I think the rawness of the writing lent a certain spark that we usually polished out. [source]

JH: Definitely. I think the structure (more character-driven) and the tightness of the timeframe let each individual writer's voice really come through. Polish can be very homogenizing. [source]

DG: I should add I'm not, by any means, against iteration. Some iteration is good and necessary. The problem that BioWare often had is that we never knew when to stop. Like a goldfish, we would fill the space given to us by constantly re-iterating on things that were "good enough". [source]

Patrick Weekes: I appreciate your incredibly diplomatic use of the past tense on "had". :D [source]

User: DA2 was my gateway into the series and I’m so happy it is. I love the game the way that it is. It’s one of my favorites of all time. But I am also aware of everything that was said here. If it were remastered, do you think it would change?

DG: I'd be surprised if it was ever remastered. If it was, do you really think they'd change things? Do remasters do that? No idea. [source]

User: Both sides got undercut as I recall. Didn't that whole sequence also end with the mage leader embracing blood magic? It was very much "a plague on both your houses" moment, at least for me.

DG: Yep. Orsino was supposed to have his own version of Meredith's end battle, which only happened if you sided with the templars. That got cut, but the team still wanted to use the model we'd made for him. So... that happened. [source]

DG: I would personally say that DA2 is a fantastic game hidden under a mountain of compromises, cut corners, and tight deadlines. If you can see past all that, you'll see a fantastic game. I don't doubt, however, that it's very difficult for most to do that. [source]

PW: I love DAI with all my selfish "I worked on this" heart, but DA2's follower arcs and relationships are probably my favorite in the series. [source]

User: As I've expressed many times, I love the game, especially it's writing and characters but, for me, the most impressive aspect of it, in consideration of it's lack of time for drafts and revisions, is the 2nd act with Arishok.  What amazingly complex character and fantastic duel

User: Just played it again and I have to agree. Though he is bound by the harsher tenants of the Qun, he makes valid points about free marcher society. Though it is obvious that he and Hawke will come to blows eventually, the tension builds gradually and understandably

DG: Luke did such a fantastic job with the Arishok I found myself sometimes wishing the Qunari plot had just been THE plot. [source]

User: What do you think would have changed, story wise, if you had more time for DA2?

DG: I would have taken out that thing where Meredith gets the idol. It was forced on me because she needed to be "super-powered" with red lyrium for her final battle. Being "crazy", however, robbed her side of the mage/templar argument of any legitimacy. I hated hated hated that. [source]

User: I deeply lament that there wasn't/couldn't be some sort of DA2 equivalent of Throne of Bhaal's Ascension mod.

DG: I'd have done it, if DA2 had allowed for anything but the most rudimentary of modding. ;) [source]

User: I mean, and I think I understand where you were trying, but how much legitimacy did the Templars and her as top Templar have after they're keeping the mages locked up against their will in the old slave quarters? Feel free to not reply.

DG: I think it's the kind of discussion which requires nuance, and which discussions on the Internet are not prone to. [source]

User: Was a compromise that the quest lines don’t branch? It felt like it was supposed to be that way but then you end up in the same place later regardless of what you pick. Like I hoodwinked the templars so good to help the apostates escape but in Act II they were caught anyway.

DG: I remember us having a lot more branching in the initial planning yes. Most of this got trimmed out in the first or second wave of cuts, in an effort to not cut the plots altogether. [source]

DG: "If you could Zack Snyder DA2, what would you change?" Wow. I'm willing to bet Mark or Mike (or anyone else on the team) would give very different answers than me, but it's enough to give a sober man pause, because that was THE Project of Multiple Regrets. [source] I mean, it's the most hypothetical of hypotheticals. It's never gonna happen. I wouldn't be surprised if EA considered DA2 its embarrassing red-headed stepchild. We'd also need to ignore that in many ways DA2 was as good as it was bad BECAUSE of how it was made. But that aside? [source] First, either restore the progressive changes to Kirkwall we'd planned over the passing of in-game years or reduce the time between acts to months instead of years... which, in hindsight, probably should have been done as soon as the progressive stuff was cut. [source] I'm sure you're like "get rid of repeated levels!" ...but I don't care about that. All I wanted was for Kirkwall to feel like a bigger city. Way more crowded. More alive! Fewer blood mages. [source] I'd want to restore the plot where a mage Hawke came THIS close to becoming an abomination. An entire story spent trapped in one's own head while trapped on the edge of possession. Why? Because Hawke is the only mage who apparently never struggles with this. It was a hard cut. [source]

User: I would LOVE to hear more details about this! I don’t suppose there’s any chance of a short story?

DG: I don't even remember the details of the story, sorry. There was a fight, and you caught the bad guy and then realized none of it was real and woke up idk [source]

DG: I'd want to restore all those alternate lines we cut, meaning people forget they'd met you. Or that they knew you were a mage. Or, oh god, that maybe they'd romanced you in DAO. So much carnage. [source] I'd want to restore the Act 3 plots we cut only because they were worked on too late, but which would have made the buildup to the mage/templar clash less sudden. Though I don't remember what they were, now. Some never got beyond being index cards posted on the wall. [grimace emoji] [source] As I mentioned elsewhere, I'd want to restore Orsino's end battle so he wouldn't need to turn on you even if you sided with him. And I'd want an end fight with the templars that didn't require Meredith to have red lyrium and go full Tetsuo. [source] Heck, maybe an end decision where you sided with neither the mages nor the templars. Because it certainly ended up feeling like you could brand both sides as batshit pretty legitimately, no? That was never planned, tho. No idea how to make that feel like an actual path atm. [source] Maybe an option to go "umm, Anders... what are you DOING?" 👀 [source] And, of course, a Varric romance, because Mary took that "slimy car salesman" character we'd planned and did the impossible with him. I can feel Mary glaring at me for even suggesting this, tho. [source] Lastly, the original expanded opening to the game which allowed you to spend time with Bethany and Carver BEFORE the darkspawn attacked. And, um, that's about it off the top of my head. Zack Snyder, WHAT PANDORA'S BOX HAVE YOU OPENED. [source] Shit, I remembered two more things: 1) Restore the "Varric exaggerates the heck out of the story" at the beginning of every Act, until Cassandra calls him on it. Yes, that was a thing. 2) Make DA: Exodus. Yes, I am still bitter. [source] God damn it, I meant "Make DA: Exalted March". The DA2 expansion, NOT Exodus since that was DA2's original name and makes no sense. Because the expansion ended with Varric dying, and that will always be on my "things left undone" list. [source]

User: Whaaaat?

DG: Well, you know that scene in Wrath of Khan where Spock goes into the dilithium chamber because he's a Vulcan? Well, imagine that but with Varric and red lyrium and because he's a dwarf. ;) [source]

John Epler: I distinctly remember referencing the bit from MGS4 where you crawl through the microwave corridor in the split screen, while cinematic battle rages on the other half. [source]

DG: It would have been glorious, John. Glorious. [source]

JE: I don't think I've ever been so certain what a shot should look like as I did Hawke coming in and finding Varric in the broken throne, just like when he was telling Cassandra his story. [source]

DG: It would have come full circle! Auggghh, it still kills me. [source]

User: Lord, you folks are a little too good at this.

JE: The true secret behind videogame narrative is knowing how to make yourself seem a lot more clever than you actually are. [source] 'Oh, we TOTALLY planned that.' [source]

User: Ok, this thread [the DA2 regrets thread, which is the big chunks above] but Inquisition.

DG: My regrets about Inquisition are, more or less, the normal kind. Nothing so dramatic, I'm afraid. [source]

User: You can keep your Varric romance, I want a Flemeth romance goddamnit!

DG: I would allow for one flirt option, and then a recording of Kate Mulgrew laughing for three minutes straight. [source]

User: I had a hypothesis about the repetitive caves in DA2. They're repetitive because it's Varric telling the story and he didn't consider them important.  They're like sets in a play.  (Okay, I really suspect it was a time/money/resources thing but I like my fake explanation better.)

DG: Hang a lampshade on it, maybe? Cassandra: "But that's the exact cave you were in last time?" Varric: "Whatever. They all look the same, I'm not THAT kind of dwarf. Can we move on?" [source]

User: that makes sense, hypothetically to make Varric romanceable and keep his arc—that had to happen for the main plot—I imagine you would have to make double the content (or more)? which would've been a tall order given the time/budget constraints the game was under

DG: Right. When it comes to "romance arc" vs. "follower story arc", we generally only had time to do one or the other. Never both. Romancing Varric would have meant not getting the story of his that you did. [source]

Mary Kirby: The one exaggeration I really, REALLY wanted, that we never got to do was Varric narrating his own death scene with Hawke weeping over him, then cutting to Cassandra's pissed off glaring at him. [source]

DG: Haha! The one I wanted was Varric's plot where he takes on the baddies single-handedly, sliding across the floor like Jet Lee, action movie-style, until finally Cassandra gets irritated and he has to admit Hawke & the rest of the party showed up to help. [source]

MK: We did that one! (He didn't do any Jet Lee moves, though.) Jepler gave him letterboxing to get The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly showdown vibes while he shot a ton of mooks single-handed. [source]

DG: Wow. Shows how much I remember. [source]

JE: I found it! I remember seeing this sequence as my treat for doing a bunch of much more challenging work. It was fun to see how far I could push our limited library of animations. [link] [source]

DG: Heh awesome. I could have sworn it was cut, honestly. I think I was even in that meeting. [source]

User: no disrespect but that’s surprising and rich of Mary “Hard in Hightown” Kirby to think DA2 shouldn’t have had a Varric romance when she wrote an entire book of Varric’s self-insert character pining over his Hawke insert character… HIH is the reason we had VHawke Summer 2018

DG: I can't *really* speak for Mary, or how she feels about it now compared to back then. I only know how she felt about it back then, and I'm not sure it was as much the concept of the romance but that Varric's entire story would be bent to "romance arc" ...a very different thing. [source]

JH: I remember pushing to have the first DLC start with Hawke having an option to ask Varric, "Did you tell Cassandra about us?" and if you picked it, Varric would answer, "Of course not, baby. I told her you were sleeping with X..." and then proceed as if you had had a full romance. [source]

DG: I still wonder how that would have gone over. x) [source]

JE: Okay, one more DA2 thing. Putting together the cinematics for this scene was a blast. [link] [source]

MK: These lines are my greatest legacy. I want "Make sure the world knows I died... at Chateau Haine!" inscribed on my tombstone. [source]

JE: I was so glad no one said 'no' to the crane shot. [source]

MK: It needs that crane shot. It's the perfect icing on that cake made from solid cheese. [source]

DG: The designers were all "we need more combat" and I think we were all "I think you underestimate just HOW interesting we can make this dinner party". [source]

JE: And finally. I think @SherylChee wrote the one-liner. I think we had a collection of like, 20. [link] [source]

Sheryl Chee: Yeah! Something like that! I remember submitted a whole bunch and Frank said you only needed one. Wish I'd kept the other fifteen. [source]

JE: A random chooser where, each time through the scene, you get a different one-liner. [source]

JE: DA2 is the project I'm the proudest of. I also absolutely get that it didn't land for a lot of people. But I don't think it's inaccurate to say that, in a lot of ways, DA2 defined my career. [source]  Everyone spent a year working at their maximum ability. I was a fresh cinematic designer and was given all of Varric's content, as well as the Act 1 Finale mission. It was a lot for someone who had been doing the Cinematics thing for literally 6 months. [source]  There's some stuff in there I can't look at without wincing. And there's some stuff I'm genuinely proud of. Not to mention, it was my introduction to most of the writing team. Several of whom I'm still working with today! Albeit in a different capacity [source] Also, weirdly, one of my most enduring memories of Dragon Age 2 is how much Bad Company 2 we'd play at lunch. It was a LOT. [source] Every game I've worked on has a game I played attached to it. ME2 is Borderlands. DA2 is Bad Company 2. DAI is DayZ. I, hmm. There's a progression there. I don't know how I feel about it. [source]

User: Is DA4 going to be tarkov then?

JE: I've kind of churned out of Tarkov for now. Probably Hunt Showdown, at least right now. [source]

User: I think people also don't take nuance into consideration -- like I FULLY acknowledge the flaws in my favorite games and will openly criticize them, but that doesn't mean they're not my favorite games anymore??? You can like and thing and still be critical of it.

JE: A lot of my favourite shit is deeply flawed! I acknowledge it and I think it's interesting to dissect the flaws. [source]

User: I still wish Justice was an actual character in DA2 rather than a plot point.

DG: There was a moment during DAI where we *almost* put in you running into Justice with the Grey Wardens, and he's all "Kirkwall? I never went to Kirkwall" [source]

User: Does that imply that Justice was shoehorned in to DA2?

DG: Nah, it was an in-joke where we thought it'd be fun to suggest that "Justice" was simply some demon that tricked Anders in DA2. Wooo those tricky demons! We didn't do it, though. [source]

User: [about templars]  except, I don't think it had very much legitimacy to begin with. keep in mind, we interact with other characters with the same argument. The one that comes to mind is Cullen, a sane templar in power. The templar's side of the argument is inherently flawed.

DG: I don't doubt that many people agree with you, and yet people can and do argue on behalf of the templars as well. My place isn't to pick a side, but to provide evidence that players can interpret for themselves [source]

User: Can you shed some light for us on how DA was able to do multiple same-sex romance options for different genders but the Mass Effect team treated them like the plague? What process existed for your team that just wasn't their for the other tentpole franchise?

DG: Different people making the decisions, almost different cultures. I don't know what it's like now, but for many years the Mass Effect team and the Dragon Age team were almost like two different studios working within the same building. [source]

User: It truly boggles the mind. Kudos for doing demonstrably better on consistent queer representation than the ME teams. Y'all never needed us to make petitions to try to get the studio's attention and ask them to do better by us. That's the fight we're once again embroiled in now.

DG: Honestly, I don't feel like tut-tutting the Mass Effect team. They did their part, and if they were a bit later to the show than the DA team they certainly did more than almost every other game out there -- and willingly. [source]

Updates begin here

User: So what was the reason for naming Dragon age 2 "Dragon age II" and not using a subtitle?

DG: As I recall, that was purely a publisher decision. I think they wanted to avoid the impression it was an expansion. [source]

User: Is there no chance of ever remaking DA2 under better circumstances? -Somehow remove the repetitiveness of gameplay by making changes and updating the tech and adding much more to the storyline. It could almost be a new very exciting game.

DG: I'd say there's zero chance of that. Let's keep our hopes up for the next DA title instead. [source]

User: I am a little confused here, help me out here please! How exactly was the cut boss battle with Orsino supposed to work out? How it would've kept him from turning against the player?

DG: It means that, if you sided with the templars, the entire boss bottle at the end would have been against Orsino and the mages. No fight against Meredith. The end decision would have been more divergent. [source]

User: I do remember that one of the reasons going around for that, was that resources were going to the transition to Frostbite. I'm still not fully sold on that having been a good choice. I felt that more time should have been given for that transition considering it was made for FPSs

DG: We didn't transition to Frostbite until DAI. Given our time frame for DA2, I don't think we *could* have transitioned to a new engine. [source]

User: Since your talking about the what could have been for DA2. Could you say what your script was for Anthem? Cause I remember reading that you wrote the plot on that game.

DG: I created a setting for Anthem and scripted out a plot - but, as I understand it, almost none of that ended up being used. So it's a bit pointless to talk about what I'd planned, as that'd be for some completely different type of game. [source]

User: [in reference to the exchange above where DG said “Being "crazy", however, robbed her side of the mage/templar argument of any legitimacy. I hated hated hated that.” re: Meredith] except, I don't think it had very much legitimacy to begin with. keep in mind, we interact with other characters with the same argument. The one that comes to mind is Cullen, a sane templar in power. The templar's side of the argument is inherently flawed.

DG: I don't doubt that many people agree with you, and yet people can and do argue on behalf of the templars as well. My place isn't to pick a side, but to provide evidence that players can interpret for themselves. [source]

If I missed a tweet, got the wrong source link or included a tweet twice, feel free to let me know and I’ll correct.

Edit / Update: Post update 22nd April

[jarienn972]

La Sirena - Chapter Ten (Epilogue)

Captain Swan Supernatural Summer 

(that’s finally being completed in winter)

We have reached the finale of this @cssns tale at last. This has been such a fun and challenging experience trying to build this universe, and I hope that readers have found it enjoyable as well. Thanks for all of your lovely words and feedback along the way!

I thank you, @kmomof4, for all of your assistance and input. You rock as a beta!  And @courtorderedcake​, thank you once again for the beautiful artwork that really brought to life the imagery of the opening chapter!

And now, back to the story... Here, we pick up moments after a stubborn and confused Killian pretended to be asleep to avoid his brother. He’s about to get a wonderful surprise...

Catch up from the beginning here on Tumblr: One  Two  Three  Four  Five  Six  Seven  Eight  Nine  Or read in full on AO3 or FF.net

The instant that Killian was certain that Liam was out of earshot and wouldn't be present to scold him for faking sleep, his eyelids sprang open wide to behold the most wondrous sight. Perched in the chair just to his left was the very same angelic vision he'd first laid eyes on back on that deserted beach days ago. She looked different with her long, gilded tresses pulled back by a ribbon and seemed a bit more diminutive while wearing a vastly oversized sailor's white uniform tunic and navy woolen trousers but he knew for certain it was her.

But how? How was he gazing upon a beautiful siren here in his own quarters? How could she be here and still be real?

"Emma? It's you!" he exclaimed, trying to sit upright to greet her properly despite the pain. "What are you doing here? How are you even here, Love?

"One question at a time," she chuckled as she reached over and placed her hand atop his forearm to urge him not to move. The moment her fingers brushed his skin, he felt a tingle pass through his entire body - one that was warm and tender. His heart was suddenly racing, but it was no longer driven by fear or anxiety. He welcomed her touch, her presence. "I'm here because this is where I belong and it would seem that even the gods agree."

"But you're a siren. I thought your home was those isles and the surrounding seas? I thought you couldn't leave without…" His voice trailed off before he could say sacrificing your powers.

Her demeanor rapidly switched from jovial to serious at Killian's off-handed, yet important questions. Her eyes avoided his for a moment, then recaptured his gaze with an intensity he'd not seen from her before. There was a new melancholy about her as she took in a deep, reflective breath before responding.

"That cove was no longer my home. In truth, it was far more of a prison for longer than I care to remember. I thought I was happy alone when I left the ranks of the siren council, but I had no idea how wrong I was - until you floated into my bay." Killian's jaw gaped in stunned silence as he watched the tears begin to well in her eyes, but she shushed him when he tried to reply. There was more to her confession that she needed him to hear before he could respond properly. "I may have rescued you from drowning that fateful day, but it was you who rescued me from an eternity of loneliness. And then watching my sister attempting to harm you only strengthened my resolve…" She paused to take a breath, unsure how he was going to react to her next words. "I guess what I am trying to say is that I am here right now on this ship, wearing these ridiculous garments because I knew I couldn't let you go. I risk sounding like a fool right now, but there is something I must confess. I love you, Lieutenant Killian Charles Arthur Jones of His Majesty's Royal Navy. Nothing in my entire lifetime has felt as right as the days I spent with you, and because of that, I asked the mighty Poseidon to make me human so that I could accompany you."

"Emma… I…," he stammered, his thoughts an incoherent jumble.

Her jaw wavered as she dipped her head, almost ashamed of her utterance. "I'm sorry if I've upset you, but after all we've been through these past days, I believed you should know the truth. I do understand if you do not feel the same as I do."

Ignoring his body's cries of pain, Killian threw off the blanket and forced his protesting limbs to sit upright, swinging his legs over the side of the bunk so he could position himself close enough to her that he could cup her cheek in his palm and brush away a tear with the pad of his thumb.

"Emma, there is no need for tears," he assured her. "While I will admit that your revelation to be a siren - and all of the events that followed - were a tad horrifying, I still knew I would gladly spend the remainder of my years stranded in that cove with you. But you, you gave up being a siren - being immortal - for me?"

"What good was being immortal if it meant losing you?" she said with a sniffle just as Killian leaned forward to capture her lips with his, neither of them even caring if Liam were to reenter Killian's quarters right then and there. For a brief moment, the universe was theirs alone until Killian's protesting rib cage caused him to reluctantly pull away, but not without more questions.

"But my brother and the crew, they didn't suspect you to be any less than human? Liam, he addressed you as Miss Swan? Since I don't believe that sirens have family names, wherever did that come from? Whatever did you tell them whilst I was incapacitated?"

"No one suspects me to be a siren, if that is your worry. Once your fellow crew members reached the cove to rescue you, I had to tell them something, so I led them to believe that I was a fellow prisoner from the sunken pirate ship. They believe that the pirates attacked my family's vessel prior to abducting you on that isle of Neverland you spoke of. It isn't as though any of them could corroborate my story with your captors. The crew also collected several damaged trunks and weathered chests that had washed up on the shore, believing them to be part of the stolen loot from the sunken ship. I happened to notice that there was a swan's head carved into one of the wooden trunks so as I boarded this vessel, I introduced myself to your captain as Emma Swan. Do you believe I should have chosen something else?"

Killian chuckled at the thought of her thinking up a surname on the spot. "I don't think anyone will make the connection. I kind of like it. You're beautiful and graceful like a swan. It suits you."

"Thank you," she blushed. "I hardly feel beautiful in these borrowed clothes. This fabric, it is rather unpleasant."

"I'm sure we can find you some attire more suitable for a lady when we next make port. Women aren't common on the high seas. There's an old legend that they're unlucky."

"What nonsense," she muttered with a frown. "But no matter. I have it on good authority that no harm will come to this ship. No creature of the seas would dare challenge Poseidon's edict."

"I still don't understand how this is possible. How does my brother not know that the expedition to the uncharted island went horribly wrong? He wants to award me a bloody commendation that I don't deserve. They think I've lost my mind."

"This will need to be our secret, but the events as you remember them never actually transpired," she stated, which of course left Killian befuddled. He opened his mouth, prepared with a barrage of questions, but she raised a hand to shush him, wanting to explain what she meant before letting him speak. "I know you will have many questions, some of which I will never be able to answer, but in simple terms, Poseidon modified all of the events that led up to your brother's ship arriving to rescue us from the cove. Everything that transpired remained in the same order, but not in the same manner. You still encountered the pirates on that island, they still took you prisoner, and the sirens still laid siege to the ship before it ran aground and sank, but Poseidon changed the scope of each event and allowed your brother's ship to pursue the pirate vessel to locate you. Your injuries were all believed to have come at the hands of your pirate captors and during the escape from the sinking vessel. They have no reason to suspect otherwise."

"But what about my crew? Does no one remember their sacrifices?" he queried anxiously, afraid that those men's lives had been lost in vain.

"Some of them were never there, never set foot on the island. Others were there but their fates were changed by the modified events," she explained, although her words did little to alleviate his confusion. "In this revised timeline, there was no actual battle with those scoundrels. You alone were captured by the pirates. I have no way else to explain, but essentially, Poseidon changed how your history played out. No one beyond our realm will ever know of the version you lived through."

His jaw remained slack as he shook his head and tried to come to terms with a turn of events that was nothing short of miraculous. "But how? Why?" he stammered. "Why would he do such a thing?"

"He said I reminded him of his daughter, Ursula, and he recognized your good heart - much like the man Ursula fell in love with so long ago. He knew you'd been wronged, as had I, and he wanted to put things right. He granted my wish to become human and accompany you, and brought your brother's ship into the bay so you could be saved by your kind."

"Do you know what became of your sister?"

"Not all. I do know that she had her powers revoked for abusing them and that she was made mortal, although not by choice in her case. I don't know if Poseidon turned her human or made her a permanent creature of the sea, and in truth, I don't care. I've made my peace with it. Now, all I wish is to be with you, if you'll have me."

"I wish for nothing else," he replied with a beaming smile. "I just don't know what sort of life I can provide for a former siren… There's so much out there…"

"And I want to experience it all!" she exclaimed giddily as she gestured towards the faded map of Britannia that Killian had pinned to one of the beams lining the walls of his cabin. "I know little of the world beyond our isles. If my time is now finite, I want to see and experience as much as possible! I want to visit these other lands and sail the other seas…"

Killian chuckled at her enthusiasm, not really sure what would be physically possible, but hey - after surviving several harrowing encounters with mythical beings and living to tell the fantastical tales, he was open to adventure.

"Whatever your heart desires, Emma. Whatever your heart desires is what I want for you," he repeated as he pulled his siren - his beautiful angel - in for another heartfelt, lengthy kiss, almost certain that he felt a surge of energy embrace them both.

A few years later…

It was a perfect morning. Only a few wispy clouds broke up the brilliant blue skies as gentle ripples made their way across the serene harbor. Crew lowered and secured the huge canvas sails of the Jewel of the Realm as Liam oversaw their arrival at the dock. His sailors worked like a well-oiled machine performing their tasks, which was a good thing since their Captain might have been a tad distracted.

Instead of supervising lines being tied off, Liam was scanning the shoreline in search of something - or rather, someone. He'd made sure to send out correspondence through courier when they last made port making sure that Killian was aware the Jewel was on its way to the port of Misthaven where they'd agreed to rendezvous.

He hadn't been particularly overjoyed when Killian had decided to resign his commission upon return to Britannia, but if he was honest, the decision hadn't come as much of a surprise. His little brother had endured a harrowing experience, one that Liam knew he could never fully understand. In the process, he'd formed a bond with the lovely Swan woman and Liam had seen all the signs that Killian had fallen head over heels in love and feared lengthy deployments at sea that would keep him apart from his love.

Liam also had to admit that he was a little envious of his brother, but it was clear that while Killian loved the sea, his calling wasn't a career in His Majesty's Royal Navy. He knew that his sibling had taken up as captain of a merchant ship, but since it had been nearly a year and a half since he had last seen Killian, he was curious to see how his brother was faring in his new pursuits.

"Ahoy, brother!" he heard a shout from the pier and off in the distance, he spotted his sibling waving like a fool. And was he wearing black leather?

Once the Jewel was safely moored, Liam gave out his instructions for crew liberty and then made his way down the gangplank with dozens of rambunctious sailors at his heels. He chuckled as they darted past him, scurrying along the pier on their way to one of the local taverns. At least one of them would likely end up spending a night in the brig for overindulgence, but Liam couldn't be bothered with that right now.

His brother awaited him at the far end of the pier, casually leaning against a stone pillar with his foot propped up on an overturned barrel. It was a far more confident stance than Liam recalled when they'd last seen each other, but it was Killian's attire that spoke volumes about his newfound fortitude. He'd not expected to find Killian sporting an ebony leather duster that hung to his knees atop of a bold crimson waistcoat and black woolen trousers that, even from a distance, appeared to be far softer than Liam's own scratchy uniform. Killian clearly seemed to be happy and must have been doing well for himself to afford such luxuries.

"You look well, brother," Killian greeted him.

"As do you," Liam replied, pulling his younger sibling into an embrace and patting him heartily on the back. "Whatever are you wearing?"

"Ah, this…," Killian smiled as he took a step back so Liam could take in all of the elaborate detail on the coat which included embroidered cuffs and lapels along with silver clasps and carved bone buttons. "This was a gift from Queen Ava. The circumstances behind how it came to be is a rather long tale that I'll not bore you with since we've little time to catch up."

"Of course…," Liam responded, raising his eyes skyward with a shake of his head. Killian always seemed to have a new, unbelievable tale these days. "Where ever is that lovely wife of yours? I expected she would be here with you."

"She's waiting for us back on our ship. It's getting a tad more difficult for her to get around these days."

"So then, my new niece or nephew will be arriving soon?"

"Soon enough. Likely before the next full moon. It is why we'll be sailing back to the port of Arendelle, leaving the day after tomorrow," an excited Killian announced.

"Arendelle?" Liam questioned. "Why are you heading there?"

"We were invited by the Queen, and one simply does not turn down the invitation of royalty."

"You were invited by Queen Elsa?" Liam asked incredulously as they ambled along the cobblestone street towards another section of Misthaven's bustling harbor that was filled with smaller fishing boats and merchant ships. He tried to figure out which of the vessels was the one Killian now owned but he couldn't be certain.

"Queen Anna, actually," Killian corrected him. "Queen Elsa stepped down from the throne last year as she believed her more vivacious sister was better suited to handle the duties of the royal court."

"Alright, but that still doesn't explain how you secured a royal invitation."

"While sailing the Northern Isles last summer, we stumbled upon the wreckage of a galleon that had partially sunk in a narrow, rocky fjord. We explored it to see if there was anything worthy of salvage and located a chest containing a crown and other treasures that had been stolen from the Kingdom of Arendelle. We returned the riches to the castle and received a hefty finders fee for our efforts and Emma made fast friends with the Queen. We've made several visits back to Arendelle and have kept in correspondence with the royal family. As soon as Queen Anna learned that Emma was with child, she extended the royal invitation to come join them in the castle. She's already arranged a midwife for Emma, and has said we're welcome to stay as long as we wish. Can you imagine - living in a castle? I would never have thought it possible…"

"I'm very happy for you, Killian, and very proud of you as well. For someone who believed himself a failure not so long ago, you seem to have fortune smiling upon you."

"It hardly seems possible, brother. I feel like the luckiest bloke in all the world," Killian gushed, stopping at the bottom of the gangplank of a decent sized ship with a single towering mast. It was far more compact than the Jewel, but still large enough to carry crew and cargo comfortably. "Here we are. This is our lovely lady, La Sirena."

"Beautiful vessel. Interesting choice of name though. What led you to christen her after such a creature?"

"Oh, I have my reasons," Killian smirked. "But anyway, here's Emma now." A broad smile lit up Killian's visage as he stared up at his wife who was leaning over the railing on the deck above them. "It's almost unfathomable how I ever got so lucky that the gods would send such an angel to watch over me." Emma didn't say a word herself but the smile that stretched from ear to ear across her own face seemed to echo his sentiment.

But then maybe she suspected that the love that blossomed from a heart that was true and good was worth far more than a little bit of luck.

[faireladypenumbra]

A Life Thoroughly Lived: Review of The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue (Spoilers Ahead)

(Cover, Titan Books UK). I have this distinct memory from when I was twelve: sitting in a McDonald’s after a morning in my homeschool e-learning program, eating french fries and reading the school’s library copy of Cornelia Funke’s Inkheart. This book was groundbreaking for me for a multitude of reasons, but one of its quotes became firmly stuck in my mind. Meggie’s father and secondary protagonist, Mo, reflects on books through this line: “Some books should be tasted, some devoured, but only few should be chewed and digested thoroughly.” This line becomes entangled with my 12-year-old psyche, and I never quite let it go. The idea fascinated me: not only the novel idea of comparing books to nourishment, but the point that some books are not made to be read quickly and once. Some books are chewed and digested thoroughly.

I read that quote in 2005, and even then, at the cusp of the digital tipping point and prior to the smartphone, you could feel the inglorious pressure to consume anything you read if you read for pleasure at all. Conversations with my peers about books were rare, and what bonds I did have about creative writing were made over the internet via fanfiction.net: that wouldn’t change again until Twilight hit it big a few years later. To enjoy a book was to binge it and consume its content only, and so this quote wasn’t entirely understandable until I entered college- and became a writer myself, when I discovered the merit of craft.

This feels like a long way of saying I enjoyed one book, but I cannot stress the rarity of true craft in fantasy fiction. Genre fiction in general has a history of shaving off literary merit and form in favor of YA-style writing and clipped, action-oriented narration. It is what’s popular and there’s nothing wrong with this style of writing, but it is a style of writing made to be devoured. I often hoped to encounter that one modern fantasy novel, made to by chewed and digested slowly.

This brings me to The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue.

If you exist on the internet’s writing/reading spaces, you probably know V.E. Schwab, whose prolific career now spans a decade. Her most popular works, including her Villains and Shades of Magic series, tower over the 2010s as important entries to the SFF world, alongside a young generation of female authors— Naomi Novik, Leigh Bardugo, Seanan McGuire, N.K Jemisen, to name a few, who have helped change the definitions of SFF and what it means for women to participate in male-dominated writing spaces.

This is perhaps what makes Addie LaRue so visibly important, because its role as a serious, literary work as well as a groundbreaking fantasy novel, fully cements Schwab’s role as an important author of the 2010s.

The story of Addie LaRue is simple enough: in a small French village in 1714, Adaline LaRue finds herself at odds with her world: her desire to travel, her attraction to the old gods, and her want to experience life are combated by a world that expects her to marry and have children, living and dying in the same plot of land. With an arranged marriage at her heels, Adaline only desires freedom, adventure, and more time in a dwindling, small life. Against the advice of her village’s wise woman, Estele, Adaline prays to any god that will offer her a means of escaping this cruel fate.

Her desperation attracts the wrong god, who agrees to take her soul in exchange for a life without limits. This grants Adaline immortality, neither aging nor dying. But at the cost of her presence: anyone who encounters Adaline LaRue forgets her, the moment she is out of view. Any mark that Adaline leaves is erased, any suggestion of her past life is smeared from existence. The god— or Devil, erases her being in hopes of making her give up her soul. Adaline spends the next 300 years in limbo, forgotten and invisible to the world, until a New York bookseller catches her stealing from his shop and remembers her face.

The story itself oscillates being Addie’s present: New York in 2014, and her past, reaching back to pertinent flashbacks about her life in rural France, out onto the wider world over 300 years of life. Rather than clashing, these two timelines compliment each other, allowing Addie’s past to compliment the unending road that is Addie’s future. And unlike some immortal characters, the weight of the 300 years can be felt in Addie’s character while she wanders the labyrinth of a modern New York.

While heavily populated with 300 years-worth of characters, the novel uses most of its time on Addie, her infernal deal broker, a supernatural being she calls Luc, and Henry Strauss, a bookseller in New York with his own set of secrets and heartbreak. One might argue that the relationships between Henry, Luc, and Addie constitute a love triangle label, but their dynamics are far more complicated given the “magic” and sexual identities involved.

One refreshing element about Addie LaRue is that both main characters, Addie and Henry, are explicitly bisexual in a way that feels humanistic and real. Addie’s view on relationships is complex, simply because she cannot maintain a relationship beyond first encounters. Her liaisons, modern and historical, become a conversation with her personal relationship with eternity. Her relationship with Luc is also complicated, evolving from lustful daydream about the “perfect stranger,” to willful tormenter across her deathless existence, and finally, a troubled companion in a lifetime where only Luc understands Addie’s painful existence.

Henry Strauss comes to Addie’s life as the first human to remember her in over 300 years: their romance is sweet, passionate, but forever marred by the fact that both parties are somehow cursed. Their existence together is fragile, and as presented by the novel, a tenuous moment in a long life. Henry changes Addie’s trajectory, simply because his existence feels so short in the scope of her eternity.

With all that said, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRueisn’t so much a love story about Henry Strauss or Luc, as it is about Addie LaRue understanding herself. It is a love letter to a young woman, forever trapped in her early 20s by a single, impulsive choice. 500 pages (at least, on my edition) and most of book is spent on Addie’s life: the evolution of her moral justifications for theft, prostitution, and overall survival. Her strained views on humanity as her lovers and acquaintances age and die around her.

A particularly interesting, recurring flashback is Addie’s annual trip to her childhood home, Villon-Sur-Sarthe, in which she returns to witness the passage of time in the village. Like Dorian Gray and his portrait, Addie’s home withers and folds into the extended woods before it is bulldozed into modern land, all while she remains the same. Her family is buried, her friends are gone. Addie attempts to leave signs of her ghostly existence in the village by planting a tree, only to discover it struck down in a storm during her final visit. When she blames Luc for the destruction, yet again, her reminds her: “I know I can be cruel, but nature can be crueler.”

Unlike Dorian Gray, this is no polite justice to strike down Addie LaRue, which complicates the morals of the novel. Addie LaRue’s narrator is not interested in moral judgements or rounded poeticism as we observe the long life of this immortal woman, instead exploring Addie’s personal, sexual, and internal changes as a matter of an existence beyond the shackles of normal humanity. The narrative choice of third person, present tense lends itself considerably to this fact, allowing the reader to experience Addie’s life in real time and alongside her present and past selves. One very interesting narrative choice, during flashbacks, is the occasional intrusion of the narrator by way of the word “will.” Moments of tragedy and difficulty will flash through past-Addie’s life, only for the narrator to gesture elsewhere and let us know what impact this choice “will” have on Addie’s life later.

It is a very clever slight of hand, since it keeps the audience moving between past and present without distracting away from the story overall. Rather than tipping its hand too heavily, the narrator offers breadcrumbs to the audience in an overfolding adventure, encouraging us to follow Addie from rural France, out to Paris, Venice, Berlin, over into the Americas, from Chicago to New Orleans. These locations and details would feel massive and glossed over, if not for the narrator’s active participation as a storyteller.

This narration also helps the reader comprehend the scope of Addie’s growth, offering a more mythical perspective on a woman who is human— but not quite. Addie is cursed, yes, but finds strength and power in weaponizing the curse against Luc. She plants herself in the minds of artists, musicians, and writers who find ways to pepper her presence along history, as delicate as the seven freckles that constantly appear in her portrayals. Addie LaRue is forgotten but reaches across history in a deep desire to be remembered and ageless.

The novel’s end, without spoilers, arguably accomplishes this goal. I’m not sure yet if the ending is supposed to be happy or not, which is perhaps why I enjoyed it so much. The book required more thought than the average fantasy piece: it was written with the idea that it should be read slowly and digested thoroughly. Every word, detail, and choice are made with reason, like a cog that helps move a clock’s gears. Nothing is wasted in this novel, both craftsmanship and good storytelling coming together for a truly enrapturing experience. I will try to revisit The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue in the near future, to draw more magic from its well. I hope you’ll consider exploring its pages too, and I have high hopes for the future career of V.E. Schwab.

[famedroleplayarchive]

there's a serious problem with lack of dash activity and plotting here. and even though you don't really take advice on how to improve the group or adding groups(unless its specifically something /youre/ asking of the group), the unwillingness to change much of anything besides "model groups" instead of making interesting changes like opening trainee slots, potential duos, bands, and staff positions, fun hinting at group debuts, or even a revamp of the blog with new features is discouraging.

Hi! As a policy, it’s much easier for me to address concerns off-anon, but I do want to start off by saying that I’m always open to taking suggestions for what people want to see! I address that and the bulk of your message more fully under the cut, but I wanted to touch on your dash and plotting concerns first above the cut since I wanted to give members a little reminder, too.

If you’re having problems with or concerns about any specific members, please come to me off-anon and I will speak to them. I can’t ever fully know what’s going on with plotting since that almost exclusively happens over messages, which I have no access to. If your writing partners have been slow to reply lately, we’ve got mini-events with the Base blog along with future full-group events and tasks that will be ramping up that will provide more to write about, as the dash does slow down when we don’t have any real events or tasks going on.

I definitely hear your concern, though, so, members, please make sure you’re putting in the effort to write and plot with those who express interest in doing so with you, and don’t be afraid to reach out to others if you feel your plots are currently lacking! Life can make people slow (myself included right now, especially when it comes to responding to plotting messages and, to a lesser extent, messages on the main), but make sure to follow up when you do get the chance, and it never hurts to let someone know that you’ve got a lot going on right now, so maybe going with the flow on a starter or doing a text thread (though, reminder: those don’t count for activity) would be better for the time being.

Likewise, members, if you ever have concerns about feeling excluded by anyone, please message me off-anon and I will do what I can to try to help you out! Your comfort is of utmost important to me.

Now, I’d like to address the latter part of your message, since it concerns me that I may have given off any kind of impression that I’m not open to suggestions or advice.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I am always open to hearing out suggestions and advice! A lot of updates that have been added recently are at the suggestion of members. Almost all of the claims that have been added to the points shop recently were specific requests by members, as well as several past rule updates and general changes to how the group is run. The biggest addition we’ve had to the group in a while was the addition of the Base blog and the events that will come from it (and the full scope of possibilities I want to incorporate through that has yet to be shown!) was an idea I’d had since the beginning of the roleplay in some sense, but was largely shaped by suggestions and requests from members past and present and those who submitted what they wanted to see anonymously. 

Generally, as a rule, I don’t publicly reply to suggestions for the group that come in since it can be hard to make an official statement on any plans I have for incorporating them before I’ve entirely thought it through and figured the best way, time, and method to implement a suggestion. I keep all anonymous suggestions I receive, so that I can keep them in mind and come back to them later. Messages do get eaten, though, so if you want to be one hundred percent sure I got something, please message me the suggestion off-anon and let me know you’d like to know I got it!

I do understand that the few times I have replied to anonymous suggestions publicly, it’s more often than not been to say that something won’t be able to be implemented (or that, if it will, it’s a ways off), but I only do that when a request or suggestion has been made multiple times and I’ve thought it through enough that I really don’t see it working within the confines of the group so that members aren’t holding on for something that I won’t be able to make happen for them. This includes what you’ve mentioned about opening the roleplay up for trainees, staff, or bands, because those are simply not roles that would work within the mechanics of the roleplay and its concept since everything (events, claims, points) is based around the specific lives and careers of debuted idols. Muses outside of that would naturally feel left out unless I were to do a major overhaul of the group’s core. I know idol roleplays with those types of open roles have been done before and are probably being done out there right now, though, so I do hope you can find a place to write your trainee, staff, or band muse if that’s what you really want to write out! Unfortunately, the specific sub-set of the idol roleplay genre that I’ve chosen for Famed to exist within doesn’t easily accommodate the types of roles outside of those that already exist within it. As for duos, I had suggestions brought to me about people wanting to see more sub-unit and canon collaboration opportunities and I’m doing my best to make that happen through all of the recent sub-unit debuts and the COLLA3ORATE event through the Base blog, and beyond that, music collaborations, dramas, variety shows, etc. are always available as a claim for two muses to work and/or promote together if they want to!

No group debuts have been hinted at recently because there’s none immediately planned anymore. I had a boy group I wanted to debut this summer, but it’s more important to me that existing muses have group mates to write with before I bring in new spots, so nothing is planned to happen there with that new boy group debut until next calendar year at earliest. We’ve had at least one new group or soloist debut every year since the roleplay opened (Femme Fatale in 2017; Lucid and Dimensions Soloist 2 in 2018; BC Soloist 1 in 2019; Dimensions Soloist 3 in 2020) and new debuts are something I’d like to keep up for as long as it’s reasonable.

I’m not able to accommodate what every single request, suggestion, and desire everyone has for the roleplay because not everything will fit into the roleplay realistically and logistically, but I promise I have never refused to make a suggestion happen out of sheer stubbornness or refusal to be open to others’ ideas!

In my view, my role as an admin is to keep the roleplay running and offer updates, changes, plot drops, story lines, etc. to encourage muse for writing among muns, but I am also very aware of roleplay as a collaborative art — meaning, as an admin, I also want to work with members to help craft a community unique to the members we have had and do have that wouldn’t exist in the form it does without their creativity and ideas. That’s why I will sometimes put out surveys for opinions and feedback like you mentioned. I never want to make members feel burdened by those, as they are always completely optional, and are intended to help me, as a solo admin, get a broader view on suggestions that have been brought to me to see if it’s something more widely desired. Other times, yes, they do involve concerns and ideas of my own, but I have no desire to put the burden of admin-ing on members’ shoulders and I sincerely apologize if it ever feels like that’s what I’m doing by putting out opinion and feedback surveys. I do often make decisions without surveys, but when it’s something that I’m not fully set on doing or not doing, I like to know if it’s something that will make members happy since, once again, I really do want the roleplay to be shaped in part by what brings members muse instead of forcing things that might suck inspiration out of the roleplay when that’s the opposite of my intention. If I’m asking for member opinions, that is always completely optional and if you don’t want to answer, you should never feel you have to! If the requests for opinions and feedback don’t match what you want to give, then you are encouraged to message me anyway with your own!

I do want to reiterate again since I am very saddened to hear I may have come off contrarily: I love receiving ideas for the roleplay from members. I do not regularly reply to anonymous suggestions so that I can keep them in the inbox to come back to, but I am happy to read them and consider them. I was actually thinking very recently about how I might want to open a separate ask box or open submission form for suggestions to encourage members to send their thoughts in when they have them, but we have quite a few blogs already, so I didn’t know if that would be wanted.

I’m one person and while I try my best to try to come up with new ideas and ways to keep the group exciting without being overwhelming, I’m under no illusion that there aren’t people out there with ideas I never would have thought of that are better than anything I could come up with on my own and it excites me when I get messages with new ideas for the group, even when I’m not able to implement them, because people making suggestions means they’re excited about the group and/or they have enough investment to want to see something and that means the world to me!

As for a revamp of the blog with new features, I’m not confident I know exactly what you’re referring to there, but if you mean a revamp for a new look, I know we’ve had the same graphics and themes on our blogs for a while as it hasn’t been a priority for me to change those with everything else I’ve had going on, but any suggestions you might have for functional features you want to see on any of our blogs would be great to hear! I’ve been working behind the scenes on creating a timeline of major canon career events (tours, first award wins, foreign debuts, that kind of thing) for each of the groups, sub-units, and canon soloists, so I hope to have those added to the new page layouts some time within the next few months, but other new features on the main, Exclusive blog, Base blog, and company blogs are more in their infancy, so any suggestions there would be lovely to hear!

[askagamedev]

Hey AAGD! I've just gotten hired at my first game job right out of college, but my background is in animation so I sometimes find myself confused by terms and ideas that are brought up. For instance, what does the Systems department of a game company do? I have a few guesses, but I'm too nervous to ask! What other terms and concepts would you recommend for an entry-level employee to do some research on, both for working with the team and making smalltalk with coworkers in other departments?

First off - congratulations on joining the ranks! I’m happy for you and wish you a rewarding career. 

With that out of the way, a lot of devs new to the industry don’t understand much of the industry terminology and jargon (especially the business-focused acronyms like ARPPU, PCCU, MAU, etc.) or how things work beyond the scope of your job. That’s perfectly ok, old veterans like me don’t (and can’t) expect you to know all of these things, especially in things outside of your discipline. It’s important that you learn how to go about figuring this stuff out, because it’s only just begun - you’ll probably be learning new stuff from team members throughout your entire career. Having a good approach to learning new things is a very useful tool in the toolbox.

As Boondocks character Gin Rummy famously said, “there are known knowns, and there are known unknowns, but there are also unknown unknowns - things we don’t know that we don’t know.” We can break these words of wisdom down as such: 

Known knowns: Things you know exist and understand

Known unknowns: Things you know exist but don’t understand

Unknown unknowns: Things you don’t know exist (and therefore can’t understand)

Remember, you really can’t be faulted or blamed for the unknown unknowns, because you never knew they existed. Your lead should have a good idea of what you know and what you don’t in order to task you appropriately - good tasks for people who report to me tend to be a mix of mostly known stuff with enough unknown stuff that my reports can learn more. This is how you move stuff from the Known Unknown category to the Known Known category - you learn what it is and understand it. In situations where you realize there you have known unknowns, it is important for you to raise the flag with the relevant stakeholders, especially if it pertains to work you have to do.

Remember, your secondary goal when it comes to learning, especially as a newbie, should be to minimize the total team productivity loss while you learn. Time I spend teaching you something is time I didn’t spend doing my own work, after all. Minimize the amount of time others have to spend away from their work to teach you. You can do some things on your own, like running a quick web search. It takes you moments and might answer your question for you (or at least give you a rough idea of stuff to ask later). Don’t interrupt meetings to ask these sort of questions since you’re taking time away from all of the meeting attendants, not just the person who’s answering you. Do some due diligence investigation before you ask somebody. Any additional context you might pick up during your investigation can help you learn new things.

Remember, it’s ok not to know things. None of us got massive amounts of information injected into our brains when we started. We had to learn the process as we went. And it’s far better to admit you don’t know and learn than it is to keep forging on without knowing, since that often ends up with even worse productivity loss. Good teammates and leaders won’t think less of you for not knowing things, especially as an entry level developer. So find time to ask questions of people like your lead or immediate teammates. Be courteous. Make sure they’re not busy with something important when you ask. Do what you can on your own. And, when they’re explaining things to you, really listen and try to internalize the things you learn. Ask additional questions if you don’t understand specifics. Personally, I like to keep a notebook on hand to jot down notes as I go. I found it helps a lot with my retention. 

Don’t be afraid to ask questions! Just make sure that you do what you can on your own first, and that you do it at a good time for the person you’re asking.

PS. I have no idea what a Systems department is.

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[the-magnus-archives-archiver]

The Boneturner’s Tale

Case:9991006

Name: Sebastian Adekoya Subject: New acquisition at Chiswick Library Date: June 10th, 1999 Recorded by: Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London

Books are amazing, aren’t they? I mean, when you think about what they really are. People don’t give the actuality of language the weight it deserves, I feel. Words are a way of taking your thoughts, the very make-up of yourself, and giving them to another. Putting your thoughts in the mind of someone else. They are not a perfect method, of course, as there’s plenty of scope for mutation and corruption between your mind and that of the listener, but that doesn’t change the essence of what language is. Spoken aloud though, the thought dies quickly if not picked up. Simple vibrations that vanish almost as soon as they are created, though if they find a host then they can lodge there, proliferate and maybe spread further. Still, it is not a reliable method in terms of a thought’s endurance, as humans are fragile creatures and rarely last a century.

A book, though, is another story. There are written texts that have outlived the civilisations that created them. Imagine, thoughts hundreds, thousands of years old, preserved and ready to be taken again. Corrupted, or translated, perhaps, by a culture that does not understand them, but still, ideas that have outlived by lifetimes the mind that first conceived them. Will the thoughts that first ran through Shakespeare’s head ever stop being thought by someone, somewhere? And a book, so dense with a mind’s fossilised creations, is it any wonder they have been ascribed such power throughout the ages? Or that an old library, with heavy tomes covering every wall, seems to have such a weight to it, beyond the physical presence of the texts it holds?

I used to work at Chiswick Library. I didn’t have such ideas back then, though. I just knew I loved books, always had, and so when the opportunity arose to work in my local library I jumped at the chance. I had been a voracious reader ever since I was old enough to hold a book for myself, and even before that my mother tells me I would pester her constantly to read to me. I suppose you might say my mind has always been receptive to the thoughts that lurk in the written page. Still, Chiswick Library is a long way from the cramped and austere libraries you’re probably imagining. It’s light and airy, with bookshelves and carpets that speak more of cash-strapped local councils than of the rich majesty of knowledge. It has an extensive children’s section and the vast majority of its stock are dog-eared paperbacks of true crime, literary fiction and reference books. It has a modest collection of books on tape and the atmosphere, though quiet, is far from oppressive. In a word, I would sum the place up as ‘unthreatening’.

It was three years ago when this happened. I had already been working there for about a year when the book first turned up. Now, we used to buy all of our books new, and I never did any of the acquisitions for the library, so I couldn’t say when or where it might have been bought from, but it looked old and pretty beaten up when I first noticed it. It was handed back with four other books at the front desk, and as I was scanning them through I noticed that one of the barcodes didn’t seem to match up. The barcode and ISBN both registered as being that of Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh, but the book itself was an almost featureless black paperback, with a title on the front in a faded white serif font: The Boneturner’s Tale.

I was a bit confused, and called the librarian, Ruth Weaver, over to ask about it. She didn’t recall seeing it ever before, but stuck in the front was the ex-libris bookplate of Chiswick Library, as well as a lending label with a handful of stamps going back several years. Ruth shrugged and told me not to worry too much about it – we’d get it recorded and put on the system properly, but something about the situation bothered me, so I decided to check the record of the man who had returned it. His name, at least according to his library card, was Michael Crew, and sure enough three weeks ago he had borrowed four books from us. Specifically, the four others he had returned. I suggested to Ruth that perhaps he was a self-published author who was trying to trick his way onto our shelves, and she laughed, saying it was probably it, although why anyone would go to the trouble of faking it just to get on the shelves of Chiswick Library was beyond her. The book even looked worn, though, like it had seen decades of being read, with a line creased down the spine and one half of the cover faded from the sun. Nor, from what I could see, did it list any author at all.

It was at that moment that Jared Hopworth came in, and I had to put the book to one side. Jared and I had once been fast friends; growing up on the same road, attending the same schools, we had spent much of our early life as inseparable. But he had always been, well, not to put too fine a point on it, thick as mud, and when I went away to university, he stayed behind. I think he saw it as something of a betrayal, and when I finally returned, I knew immediately something had changed between us. He spent the time I was away becoming a bit of a crook, and upon my return began what would eventually become a campaign of petty terror. He was always very careful to stop before he did anything that might get the police involved, and I guess there was enough leftover affection from a childhood spent together that I never really thought about reporting him. It wa–

[John: Oh, erm, hello Elias.

Elias: Do you have a moment?

John: Not really, I’m sort of in the middle of something.

Elias: I understand, it’s just that Miss. Herne has lodged a complaint.

John: A complaint? I could just as easily complain about her wasting my time!

Elias: That’s not how it works, Jonathan.

John: I wouldn’t even have had to do the recording if Rosie kept her equipment in better condition.

Elias: Regardless, I would prefer that you not antagonise anyone connected to the Lukas family. They are patrons of the Institute, after all.

John: Fine, fine, I’ll be more lovely. Now, can I get back to work?

Elias: Very well. By the way, have you seen Martin?

John: Oh, he’s off sick this week. Stomach problems, I think. Blessed relief if you ask me. Statement resumes.

It was worst when Jared visited the library, because that inevitably meant that he was bored enough to seek me out for harassment. Sure enough, he started chatting with me, meaningless jibes that served to wait it out until Ruth, who didn’t know about Jared’s problems with me, returned to her office and closed the door. As soon as she had done so, he turned and in a single movement tipped over the metal returns cart, spilling the recently received books all over the floor. He smiled at me and apologised. I did my best not to show any irritation, or indeed any reaction at all as I slowly walked around and bent down to start collecting them. As I rose to my feet I felt an impact on the back of my head and staggered. Behind me, Jared stood holding the book I had put aside, The Boneturner’s Tale, and had apparently picked it up to hit me with. But rather than offering me a fake apology or further violence, instead his eyes were locked on the book. We stood there in silence for a few seconds until he said something about needing something new to read, turned around and walked off.

I was, I will admit, a bit unsettled. As far as I could recall I had never seen Jared read... well, anything, really. And the look in his eyes when he had left had something in it not entirely unlike fear. Still, it was a welcome relief to have him gone, and I quickly tidied up the rest of the books before Ruth noticed anything amiss.

There was nothing else I recall that happened that day at the library, but on the way home afterwards I passed by Jared’s house. I had moved back in with my parents while I got everything sorted out after university, and he had never moved out of his childhood home, so we still lived on the same street. It was late September at this point, so by the time I had walked back from the library it was dark, and I noticed a small shape moving in the pool of orange light below the streetlamp.

As I got closer, I realised with a slight start that it was a rat, and not a dirty, wild rat but a large, white one, quite well-kept and clearly once a pet. But there was something very wrong with it. It was dragging itself slowly, pulling from the front legs, and I saw that the back half of it was flat, as though deflated somehow. I thought it must have been run over, but there was no blood or sign of crushing, nor did it seem to be in any actual pain. It just had a back half that flopped and twitched obscenely as it made its gradual way across the lighted pavement and out into the darkness. I just stood there and watched, transfixed by it, until it disappeared from view. Thinking about it now, I remember its head was turned at a strange angle, far further round than it should have been, although I might be getting confused. Many of these experiences run together when I look back on them. There was no light on in Jared’s house, but I hurried home quickly after that.

I didn’t see Jared again for some time. At first I was just happy for the space, but as the days turned into weeks I started to feel something I wouldn’t have expected to – worry. If it hadn’t been for the way he had left last time it probably wouldn’t have bothered me, but he had looked so strange, and even without him coming to the library it was rare I would go a week without seeing him. By now it had almost been a month. Still, I resisted the urge to go to his house and check. If it turned out he was fine, then I’d be inviting a whole world of unpleasantness, and besides that, I reminded myself, he wasn’t my problem anymore.

It was late October when Jared’s mother came in. It was near the end of the day, and outside was already dark. I was putting up a display about good Hallowe’en reads before heading home, when I heard the door open. I turned around and there she was. It took me a few seconds to recognise her, if I’m honest. I hadn’t seen much of her in the years since Jared and I had been close, and she had aged noticeably. Mrs. Hopworth wore a bulky overcoat, though it wasn’t that cold yet, and her arm hung down in a sling. Something about the angle of the arm and how it hung there seemed faintly abnormal, and I wondered if she had broken it.

When I asked Mrs. Hopworth if she was okay she just stared at me, her eyes burning with hatred. With her good arm she reached into her coat and pulled out a small, black paperback. She threw it on the floor without saying a word and turned to leave. I couldn’t help myself, I asked her if (17) was alright. She spun back and started to swear violently at me, told me I had no business with her son and that I, and my books, were to stay away from him. As she spoke, I couldn’t look away from her arm and the odd ways it twisted as she gestured. How her fingers seemed to bend the wrong way. I was glad that Ruth had gone home early as I didn’t want her to witness the disturbing confrontation I had now apparently caused.

When she had finished, Mrs. Hopworth spat towards me, though I noticed she was careful to avoid spitting at the book that now lay on the floor between us, and left. I put down the copy of Stephen King’s Misery that I now realised I’d been clutching, and approached the discarded volume that lay on the carpet. The battered black cover seemed the same as when I had first seen it weeks ago, with that faded white title on the front: The Boneturner’s Tale. I reached down to pick it up, but before I did so a thought flashed across my mind, a memory of the last time I had seen Jared, and I grabbed some tissues from the desk before using them to pick up the book. Even then I felt my skin crawl as I held it.

I decided not to deal with it that night. I wasn’t entirely sure that reading it in the daytime would be that much better, but shadows cast from outside seemed to have gotten that much starker since the book had been brought back into my library, and it scared me. I placed it in the book returns cart and left, double-checking I had firmly locked the door behind me.

It rained heavily that night. My room is in a converted attic and when the weather is bad it’s as if I can hear every raindrop against the window that is just above my bed. It wasn’t a storm, there wasn’t the wind for it, it was just that heavy pounding rain that drummed and beat on the glass above me. I couldn’t sleep. There was a nagging apprehension in my mind, something that after three hours lying in bed had turned into almost a panic. How could I have just left the book? There was something wrong with it, that much was obvious. What if Ruth came in earlier than I did tomorrow and took it? What would happen to her? Should I have destroyed it?

That last thought was quickly pushed away. I wasn’t sure I had it in me to destroy a book, even one with such a strangeness to it. It surprised me just how easily I accepted that The Boneturner’s Tale had dark powers, but I suppose I’ve always felt that books have a sort of magic to them, so it was really just a confirmation of what I had suspected, deep down, for a long time.

It was two in the morning when I decided that I couldn’t just leave it there overnight. I got up, dressed and, quietly, headed out into the rain towards the library, making sure to take my gloves. My coat was supposed to be water resistant but still managed to soak in the twenty minutes it took me to walk there. I had the key from locking up that night, and deactivated the alarm as I entered.

It was almost pitch black inside, and part of me wanted to keep it that way, but I turned on as many of the lights as I could without it being immediately obvious outside the building. It wasn’t many, and I still had to half-feel my way through the foyer and into the library proper. As I approached the desk and the book returns cart where I had left The Boneturner’s Tale I began to step less cautiously. It was darker in that corner of the library and I put a hand out to steady myself against the handle of the small metal cart. I’d taken my gloves off at that point and my hand came away wet. I quickly fumbled for the torch I had snatched before heading out and turned it on. Red dripped and pulsed from the cart, soaking the pages and forming a small pool around it. The books were bleeding.

I laughed at that. It seemed so appropriate somehow, so utterly correct that those neighbouring books should suffer, should be contaminated by it. Just as it seemed right and proper that, when my torch found The Boneturner's Tale, it was dry, unmarked by the gory scene around it.

I put my gloves back on and carefully took out that sinister volume and placed it on the desk. Perhaps I should have fought harder against the temptation to look inside but my curiosity was too strong. The thick gloves made turning individual pages almost impossible, and I still had enough good sense to keep them on, so I just opened it on a few random pages and started reading. Perhaps I was being paranoid. After all, I touched the book with my bare hands when it was first given in to the library, and had no problems, but the image of Jared’s mother wouldn't leave my head. How her arm had twisted when it moved. I decided to keep the gloves on.

It was written in prose, and certainly seemed to be a story of some kind. The part I read dealt with an unnamed man, at various points referred to as the Boneturner, the Bonesmith or just the Turner, watching an assembled group of people as they made their way into a small village. It's unclear from what I read whether he is travelling with them, or simply following them, but I remember being unsettled by the details he observed in them: the way the parson would move his hand over his mouth whenever he stared too long at the nuns or how the cook looked at the meat he prepared with the same eyes that looked at the pardoner. It was only at that point that I realised the book was describing the pilgrims from The Canterbury Tales.

Now, this certainly wasn't some lost section of a Chaucer classic. It was written in modern English, with none of the archaic spelling or pronunciation of the original, and besides that the writing itself was of questionable quality. There was something compelling about it, though. The debate about how finished The Canterbury Tales were... well, it's a very real debate. In the Prologue, over a hundred tales are promised, but the most complete surviving version doesn't even reach two dozen. The book just sort of ends, with Chaucer adding a short epilogue imploring God for forgiveness. A plea that is generally read as sarcastic or rhetorical.

I flicked ahead a few pages, and found the Bonesmith had apparently crept up to the Miller while he slept. It described him silently reaching inside him, and... it's a bit hazy. All I remember clearly is the line “and from his rib a flute to play that merry tune of marrow took”. And as for the rest, I don't recall in detail, but I know that I almost threw up, and that the Miller did not survive. This was on page sixteen, and it was a thick book.

I turned to the frontispiece, desperately curious as to how this book had ended up in our library. In the harsh light of the torch, I could see the creases and peeling edges of the Chiswick Library label, which usually meant it had been removed and re-stuck, or taken from another book entirely. I could even see the edges of another label underneath. Using a pair of scissors, I carefully peeled off the top one, but was disappointed. It was the label for another library, probably the last place it had been left, although I think it must have been in Scandinavia, because it was something like the library of Jergensburg or Jurgenleit or Jurgerlicht or something like that. It didn't help me.

I was all set to return to reading the thing, when I heard the sound of breaking glass behind me. I turned around to see Jared Hopworth standing in front of the shattered window. Or at least, I assume it was Jared, as it demanded the book from me in Jared’s voice, but wore lose fitting trousers, and a thick coat with a hood that almost completely covered his face. Or its face.

He was longer than Jared had been, and stood at a strange angle, as though his legs were too stiff to use. When he gestured for the book, I saw that his fingers looked... sharp, as though the skin at the ends were being pushed into a tight point by something inside. I told him that the library was closed, because at that moment I could think of nothing else to say. He ignored me, and demanded again that I give him the book. That was when I did something a little rash, which is to say I punched him.

I had never really thrown a punch in anger before, or even desperation, so it came as quite a shock to me when I managed to drive a single, solid fist into his solar plexus. But as I did this, and this is the part that still gives me nightmares, I felt his flesh give way and almost retract, drawing me in close. And then I felt his ribs shift, shut tight around my hand, as though his ribcage were trying to bite me. They were sharper then I would have thought possible, and at last, this was what actually started me screaming. Never before or since have I ever screamed like that, and I'm still a bit surprised I'm capable of making such a noise, but there you have it.

In my panic I dropped the copy of The Boneturner's Tale and, in less than a second, Jared was on it. He released my hand and grabbed it with a frantic desperation, before he turned to run back out the way he came in. I started to chase after him, until I saw how he was moving. How many limbs he had. He had... added some extras. That was the moment it finally all got too much for me; I stopped running. It wasn't my book, it wasn't my responsibility and I had no idea what I was dealing with, so I didn't. I just stood there in a daze and watched the thing that was once Jared disappear out into the rain. I never saw him again.

The police turned up soon after. Someone had apparently heard my screams and called in a report. I spun some tale about falling asleep at my desk and being woken up by an attempted robbery. God knows how I explained the bloody books, because it wasn't some disappearing phantom. It took weeks to get out. Everyone seemed to believe me, though, and miraculously I kept my job. I haven't seen Jared in the years since, and I haven't done any further research on the book. The best scenario I can possibly imagine is that this statement is the last I ever need to hear or speak about Jared Hopworth or The Boneturner's Tale.

Archivist Notes:

Well, this makes me... deeply unhappy. I've barely scratched the surface of the archives and have already uncovered evidence of two separate surviving books from Jurgen Leitner's library. Until he mentioned that, I was tempted to dismiss much of it out of hand, but as it stands now I believe every word. I've seen what Leitner's work can do, and this news, even 17 years out of date, is still very concerning to me. I'm going to have a discussion with Elias as to what we can do to address the issue. I know he'll just give me the old “record and study, not interfere or contain” speech again, but I at least need to make him aware of it.

Tim and Sasha have cross-referenced the events here with police reports, and sure enough there was a warrant issued for the arrest of Jared Hopworth for breaking and entering, as well as assault. He was never found, though, and the crimes weren't serious enough to keep the case active for very long. I've been doing as much research myself as possible, but the book seems to have vanished along with him. I asked Martin to try and hunt down Mr. Adekoya himself for a follow-up, but have been informed that he passed away in 2006. He was found lying dead in the middle of the road on the night of April 17th.

Despite the fact that there were no crushing or trauma marks on the body, the inquest ruled it a hit-and-run car accident due to the mangled position in which he was found. It was a closed casket funeral.

Source: Official Transcript and Podcast (MAG 17 The Boneturner’s Tale)

[logan-after-dark]

Law of Attraction

Or abundance or whatever it is :P Going to talk on that today since it’s been on my mind.

A few weeks ago now, I signed up for this free webinar that was advertised on one of the ASMR YouTube videos I use to fall asleep. The only reason I signed up for the webinar was because it was free, and because I’ve been in a rough spot financially for a long time now and figured I had very little to lose. An hour out of a Wednesday afternoon seemed like an okay trade for something that I could maybe potentially use.

My attitude towards folks who promote or advocate for this idea of an abundant universe and the law of attraction and things like that has been rather negative in the past. Oftentimes they strike me as snake oil salesmen - folks who sell books titled ‘how to get rich quick’ and things like that where the answer is ‘write and publish a book titled “how to get rich quick” and wait for gullible saps to buy it’. My ex had a few of those books on topics like how to become a millionaire through real estate and the like, and his mother was a realtor so, he had no shortage of support there. But, like I said, in the process of pursuing those kinds of get-rich-quick schemes, you’re really just lining someone else’s pockets while obtaining information that may not even be useful to yourself in your specific situation. So I viewed folks pushing this idea of the law of attraction in a similar way - just very sketchy, negative, snake oil peddlers that really just wanted to sell me on more such talks and line their own pockets while mine became increasingly more barren.

Well, let me tell you how the webinar actually went down.

It was on a website called Mindvalley.com, with Harv Eker and Vishen Lakhiani. I decided that, it seemed to have a sort of spiritual/psychological bent to it from the ad seemingly, so that if it had advice that would help me build up my self-esteem or something like that, just overall improve my mental state by a fair margin through this talk, then it would 100% be worth my time. And like I said before, I had very little to lose spending an hour watching a free webinar on abundance.

At the end of it, they did offer some courses - extremely pricey ones that had been ‘discounted’ like 95%, but 5% was still something like three hundred dollars. I had little doubt in my mind that those might help someone else watching, but I was not interested and I wanted to come away from this having invested only my time anyways. And I didn’t, and still don’t, have a spare $300 lying around.

But I felt amazing by the time the webinar wrapped up.

Literally amazing. Spiritually empowered, ready to take on anything, incredibly emboldened and like nothing could stop me, nothing could hold me back anymore. It was an exhilarating feeling that rocked me to my core. I went into it having spent nothing and came out of it feeling like I’d just won the lottery, in spite of my bank account still showing negative digits. Nothing could crush me at that point - the reality of my situation hadn’t left me, but I felt markedly different about it.

I had to get on Discord and tell Mike about it right away. Mike, though he’s my best friend for life and I love him dearly, instantly had some negativity of his own to share re: the american political system and how the rich get richer while the poor get worse all the time - And that’s real life, unfortunately, and I’m not going to dismiss that. But that’s entirely the wrong attitude to have.

Here are some key concepts/key ideas that I took away from the webinar and would like to share with you folks:

1. Your attitude towards money is all wrong.

I’m being totally serious, and I think that this is something that a lot of people struggle with throughout their lives. If you aren’t born with it then you feel like you’re constantly scraping by. Your parents are always talking about debt and how they’re always scraping by too - I know mine were. I could write a book about all the wrong things my parents did just relating to money. Maybe someday I actually will :)

Your relationship with money is a major factor in how much you receive or what you have to do to get it. If you believe you can only make a lot of money by working hard, then that’s what you’ll have to do. If you feel like you’re always drowning in debt, then you will always be drowning in it. If you believe deep down that you’re unworthy of a lot of money, then you’ll never have a lot of money. You subconsciously reject money if you believe deep down that you’re not worth it. This can manifest in refusing a job promotion because you don’t think you’ve earned it, not applying for a job in the first place because you don’t meet the qualifications, or deciding against some action related to business (current or one you haven’t started yet) because it’s a lot of time investment, will keep you away from your family, a lot of money invested, etc. etc. etc. These really are excuses, because there are always affordable business loans, way to maintain work/life balance and family time, or accepting that promotion because it may just be a stepping stone towards something even better. You can’t know where it’ll take you until you try.

We make excuses to refuse money all the time, even if we don’t realize it. What about flipping the script for once and reasoning out with ourselves why we deserve money instead?

2. Jealousy and envy will do nothing but hold you back.

This is a tough one, but it ties into point one that attitudes about money are all wrong. If you hold it inside yourself that people who have a lot of money don’t deserve it, and spite and scorn them for having it, then you will never have it for yourself.

Harv said something that I thought was rather beautiful - “If you see someone with a big beautiful house, bless that house.” How wonderful that that family should have such a nice place to live, no? How wonderful that they have new, safe cars to drive for them and their children. No sarcasm involved. If you think positively about it for them, then this allows you to open yourself up to having those beautiful things as well.

3. Money is not evil.

Think about it. We talk (and Mike talked) about how guys like Jeff Bezos have enough money hoarded away when they could instead just snap their fingers and solve global poverty just like that.

If a construction worker decided one day to brain his coworker with a hammer, would you blame the hammer? No. Money is like the hammer - nothing but a tool to be used by the person wielding it. Money cannot make conscious decisions for itself, is not sentient, and is in fact entirely neutral as to whose hands it comes into.

It is completely possible to be rich and be a good person. One of my favourite random sayings that I carry with me when I’m looking for my next course of action is “Be the example”. Get your well-deserved money and then demonstrate it. Help you, because you probably need it, and then help those in need. You can absolutely be a good person with money because the two are not mutually exclusive, but of course don’t set yourself on fire to keep others’ warm. You can’t pull people up and out of their troubles if you’re still standing on unstable ground. Believe me, I’ve tried XD

4. Unfortunately, you don’t just magically get this money. You still have to do something for it.

In the webinar they talked about finding your life’s purpose and then living your purpose - something I still struggle with in spite of my elevated feelings immediately following said webinar. I am still not quite sure what my purpose is - I have a feeling, and I think it’s a good one (trying to build understanding between people and groups of people for everyone’s health and happiness), but I have other struggles that still block me.

The examples they gave related to business primarily. Harv was trying to start up businesses that didn’t work and were geared towards one thing, and Vishen was just struggling with his existing business. I think the important takeaway from their individual talks about it though is this: Work your passion. Find out what your passion is, get good at it, and then live and work your passion. They say that if you love your work then you’ll never work a day in your life, right? This idea is basically that in practice.

5. There is no such thing as having too much money.

Least of all when it comes to yourself :P

I used to do this thing where I’d play the lottery (yes I still play every week, shut up) and I would think to myself “I only need a million dollars to live comfortably the rest of my life. Anything beyond that is too much.” That was because I couldn’t appreciate the scope of having more than a cool mil. There is a factor of scale that just boggles my mind. A million dollars is already a lot of money, an almost unfathomable amount. The only frame of reference is that my house is probably worth about a quarter-mil right now. I could buy four of my house with one million dollars.

Well, I refuse to impose limits on myself like that anymore.

Bring on the 60 million dollar grand prize! This is my attitude now. There is still a part of me that sort of recoils at the idea of that money, but then I internally try to push that back with a follow-up thought of ‘just think about the number of people I could help with that money’. If Jeff Bezos won’t single-handedly solve poverty world-wide, then maybe I can. Give me that cool 60 mil, I am open to it and down to receive any sort of excess the universe wants to throw at me. I’ll make use of every single cent :D

6. I saw immediate results after embracing this way thinking.

This is absolutely true, and I have witnesses who can attest to that :)

After watching this seminar, within a few days of doing so, I had a room listed for rent online on a local classifieds website. My inbox exploded. I can’t even fathom how many responses I got, but it was easily upwards of fifty different people replying to my ad. Not only did I get the room rented, I got a second room I didn’t even list rented as well.

I also received some amazing and generous donations to my main blog’s Kofi from some amazingly generous friends of mine from here on Tumblr. I didn’t even ask, they just showed up and I was so thankful I cried.

A good long-time friend of mine was also generous enough to offer me a loan of $1000 USD in order to cover my bills and some other upcoming expenses. Initially I refused the loan, but after taking a second look at my finances, I decided to accept it and hope to pay it back in full by Christmas.

Now, I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of an abundant universe - I went into this as a skeptic and I came out still a bit skeptical - but there are definitely attitudes within me that can change so I can provide myself with more opportunities to find abundance in my own life. I went into this thing looking to boost up my esteem and got that in spades.

It all exemplifies something I already believed going into this, to be entirely fair; What you believe becomes reality. I have a few beliefs about my character that have helped to shape me as a spiritual person that initially may not have been true. I am confident, strong, and powerful. All of those things are absolutely true about me today. Put another way, you could say that manifesting abundance is very similar to the idea ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ XD

If I can find out whether they’re still running the webinar (I feel like it was definitely pre-recorded, but I doubt there’s a video just laying around), I’ll share it with you folks on here <3

Thanks for coming to my TED talk XD

[elizabethrobertajones]

Do you really think current Cas couldn't end up being The Empty? I don't necessarily believe that because I think Cas is not acting like himself but the "All Magic Comes with a prize"-stories, of there being a downside to major "mircles" like resurrections are pretty common, plus having a newly introduced major foe that looks like Cas (+ can access his memories) thats not explored yet, plus being told that Cas would be back "slowly" or "at least his most important parts"

*shrugs* I mean if they’re doing it they’ve basically wasted an entire episode of supposed Cas stuff plus 2 previous ones that only made sense with Cas’ reactions and actions if it was him, so the only way it would happen is if we do already have our Cas on screen, but there’s a catch or some consequences yet to hit about the resurrection and Cas BEGINS to belatedly suffer side effects which retroactively cast into doubt how much he was here or just suggest something was wrong with him all along and waiting for some reason to activate, as he’s not currently being depicted in any distress whatsoever. I agree the clothes are suspicious and I was saying all along since the beginning of the season or before, mostly as crack posts since I don’t like speculating, that if Cas gets handed an outfit out of thin air instead of picking it for himself, that concept fits what I figure would be symbolism warning that Cas has ongoing problems, but as someone who deals with speculation in about that much vagueness I really don’t have any sort of solid ideas beyond that.

For me, talking about TV shows isn’t really fun to guess what will happen and I would just want to end up writing it myself or go down convoluted threads that the writers wouldn’t keep up on, and trying to stay in the lines of what might actually happen is an enormous headache and no one is particularly great at it unless they’re extremely vague or only analyse the very obvious threads and offer generic scenarios they could play out in, e.g. how we could predict a reverse crypt scene, because it was basically a looming issue not a wild speculative idea, but being threatened for most of the season subtly or not. 

I mostly live entirely in the moment for TV shows if I can help it, and I prefer watching things I’ve had at least mild spoilers for when it comes to things I would want to get emotionally invested in, even if it’s really just scoping out the personality of the thing. Watching Supernatural as it airs is pretty messy for my anxiety about not knowing what comes next, and after a little while in fandom I realised how pointless speculation is for ever making you feel better about anything. If you’re right you’ve bored yourself out of the story, if you’re wrong you’ve made yourself annoyed or built up your expectations. 

And if you’re super invested in a fictional character and scour the internet for spoilers about them because you’re worried about their well being, and analyse every inch of the show for clues about what might happen to them while creating potential worrying scenarios, that play out or not, you mostly get into a huge panic about them, start treating your imagination as if the horrible stuff has already happened, and lose a lot of objectivity as you start to perceive the writers going out of the way to do bad things to your fave because you’re super focussed on what bad stuff will happen to them, and blah blah character stanning cycle of being protective and angry etc. I’ve seen it consume too many people since I got to fandom :S 

So… Something is probably about to happen to Cas or because of Cas, and the trip through the Empty seems like it maaaay have been too understated or an under-utilised resource (but I also have immediately made my peace that that’s all we’ll see of it, even if it isn’t, because I just can’t LIVE like that with expectations and serious plot demands and trying to construct versions of the season that only make sense if X Y and Z are in it and then getting upset when they aren’t) and we missed a few important steps between bargaining and resurrection considering the new clothes and Cas’s moment where he took in that he was dressed in them. There’s also left over weirdness about him and Jack which also has a lot of unexplained things he and Dean need to talk about and may or may not cause a serious problem now Jack has legged it.

I don’t think he’s acting strange, because there have been no blatantly obvious cues for the people at the back about him acting strange, e.g. lingering shots where he was pulling weird faces, lines in the Empty to indicate it wanted anything other than to go back to sleep, or hints that anything is particularly coming for Cas based on the MotW obvious mirrors (which have been pretty low key because the MotW have been very secondary to the emotional drama so far). Billie never hinted about Cas more than that he was dead because he killed her, and now we have spoilers that it seems most likely the Winchester knocking over the house of cards will be Jack seemingly motivated on his own steam to do something good, so that literally covers every doomy portentous line this season that wasn’t completely incidental, although I have been joking about some, I don’t really get into conspiracies about them… 

We’ve had lingering shots with Cas squinting in a very familiar Cas-like way with understandable exasperation at whatever’s going on, and he’s had emotional moments with all his family and generally been presented as mostly fine and not visibly perturbed or confused by not being able to heal the guard for example, just resigned that it was too late for him to do anything, and he hasn’t been dangerously put in any crosshairs in the symbolism. I can’t think of anything really at all that’s threatened Cas in the symbolism or foreshadowing and nothing he’s done on screen has been suspicious about his personality or characteristics or actions. Dean’s not suspicious. Sam is a little concerned about *how* he got back but not *if* he is Cas.

Like, of course they might blindside us with something, but considering they spent time on emotional moments with Cas dealing with ongoing characters arcs between him and the rest of them, it makes no sense a fake out Cas would be getting Cas’s emotional development. Unless it was laden with dramatic irony. Remember in 11x11 when Casifer was talking to Dean? Even if you didn’t know that he was Lucifer and pretend they never revealed that detail and this is the first time we see him since, there’s a billion things wrong with his interactions with Dean in that scene. There was stuff visibly wrong with him before we knew for sure he’d been possessed in 11x10 just in how he hung back from the team and watched them all very, very carefully, and took too long to reply while weighing his options.

Cas already did come back slowly because it took him until episode 6 to actually be back in the game, even if he was restored in episode 4, so at this point I figure that spoiler was being careful about revealing how Cas’s appearances in the start of the season were spread out, and not commenting on Cas’s internal stuff.

I don’t know, bad stuff happens to them all the time on the show so of course I just assume something is coming, but I’m not worried about it like it might happen to a friend or something because it’s just a part of the story so I don’t get being worried about stuff happening to your faves as if it’s the end of the world… Cas is currently occupying the very centre of the story along with Jack, possibly MORE important than him since he’s important to Jack in turn. I feel like Cas is the actual beating heart of the story in season 13 so far based on his entire blanket presence in the empty spaces caused by Jack and Dean’s need/want for him. It’s a bit ridiculous to now hope because he’s back he’s going to just settle into the family with them and have no troubles, though of course that’s a point I’m always happy to be proved wrong on, it’s better just to use bored eyes and just… ¬_¬ something’s gonna happen to Cas… ¬_¬ your way through the story. And it will be something that’s probably super important to the main arc because Cas has been so far, in a deep, intrinsic way, so whatever happens I’m down for it, unless it’s some randomly abject level of awful that no one could have called, and his treatment in the story, against all odds, is somehow really horrible.

Aside from horrible character-trashing worst case scenarios, though, the manner in which is happens is, to me, completely arbitrary as a non-speculating blog that just analyses what ends up on my plate and occasionally wonders what the OBVIOUS cues mean without committing to theories beyond musings and wondering out loud with obvious disclaimers that I’m just thinking and don’t care if it does or doesn’t happen. 

Like, I’m analysing all the themes as they show up and I assume whatever happens will fit the themes and character arcs and whatever. At the moment I see Cas as being Cas because I just got handed an incredible Cas episode on a plate where Cas was being very Cas-like all over the place, and his biggest problem was Jack, who was not directly threatening him at any point, and if anything it seems like Cas futilely chasing after Jack trying to stop him getting intro trouble (nearly shot by Dean, actually shot by Dave the Cowghoul) would be the one theme I’d wonder has any actual suggestion that Cas is going to have Problems, but that’s not directly happening to him, that’s just his issue with not being able to help Jack and stop him getting in trouble. And, I guess now, chasing after him before he does that. And based on episode descriptions for upcoming stuff, not very successfully, so we already know that symbolism pays off, however Cas ends up going about this :P

So that’s my one and only reason to be worried about Cas right now… Granted, I’ve only watched the episode twice while extreeeeemely woozy with a migraine but I’ve been reading my dash all day and seeing discussion of most parts of the episode and all the Cas bits and I’ve been rewatching bits here and there and nothing is leaping out at me that anything is currently trying to warn us to brace for Cas, except the general sense of ¬_¬ about something inevitably coming his way because of course he’s not in every episode - but he could just leave entirely of his own agency to go look for Jack off screen and even without the worries about what Jack may or may not have done to him in season 12, given what they set up, it would be entirely understandable for him to do it just because he’s Cas. 

[aprilmillerphd-archive]

This is a Bias List. Because I am Biased, and also a Follow Forever. For reasons. Mostly that April hit a milestone and that’s friggin’ amazing in my book.

So I have to start with @darcywho who has been my main and exclusive Darcy since... well actually since I took April from the private rpc into the independent rpc something like four or five years ago. I know Mariah IRL (and will soon be living within easy driving distance of her)-- and basically. Mariah is bombtastic. She’s hella smart and funny, and when I’m having a crappy day (or given how the beginning of this year went, a crappy year) -- she texts me incessantly to talk about what Darcy is doing, and what April and Darcy should be doing, and I have so much character history, and Important Events, and developmental experiences just from talking and writing with Mariah, that I honestly don’t think April would be the character she is, without having had Darcy’s mitigating influence. We’ve just done so much that we’ve reached a point in our friendship and writing relationship where I literally feel as if Mariah could write April, and do her justice and vice versa. If y’all don’t follow her already, you should get on that because seriously, she is the absolute best take on Darcy Lewis that I have ever encountered in the Marvel RPC, and I know the PC rp com is going to jump down my throat for ‘making comparisons’-- but again. THis boo is my main and exclusive Darcy Lewis, also I do whut I want. @scarsearned MANGOOOOO. Okay so funfact; this brat used to have a diff url and we chat on dis/cord and it STILL took me like three days to realize on tumblr they were the same person. I FOLLOW YOU ON FOUR BLOGS MANGO. THis is what you signed up for all those years ago. I’m sorry. SO TO THE POINT! Mango has a bevy of blogs she runs, I met her when she wrote almost exclusively on Rummers here, and what I say ‘met her’ I mean I started sending her asks talking about Brock Rumlow, reread her rules and realized she had a password, at which point we were already talking over Skype, and then I sent in her password and she teased me relentlessly for it. (I deserved it, I’m a total goob)-- Mango is right up there with Mariah in terms of IMPORTANT character development shit. Mango writes a CANON DIVERGENT Brock Rumlow, and has put so much time into developing him, I think Marvel should give her a fuckin’ job. She’s also like... insanely smart. I say this as someone who likes to play at being really intelligent. Mango talks and I feel like I’m back in grade school and I want to hide myself away in shame. So obviously it’s no wonder we ended up shipping. (Actually no, I still have literally no idea how or why THAT happened tbqh I’m a fuckin’ potato) -- but Mango and Mariah go hand in hand because I introduced them and now their Brock and Darcy are inextricably linked forevermore as siblings and it’s fuckin’ A Plus. @russkiyuragan YET ANOTHER PERSON I MET BECAUSE OF MANGO. But also hella quality child of canon OC. Like, legit we started talking because Mango dragged us into a group rp and it turned into us mutuall talking about character development and now basically Seamus is one of April’s smols. Even though he really ISN’T one of hers. She’s basically claimed him as a child who needs mothering and dammit she is going to give him all the mothering ever. Even if he doesn’t need or want it. AND BASICALLY THEY ARE A FUCKING SWEETHEART WHO NEEDS ALL THE FUCKING LOVE because they’re really insanely smart and super sweet and friendly and I heart them. @phxtxn PHIL!!! OKAY SO I MET PHIL IN A CLOSED RPC FOR-FUCKING-EVER AGO. And immediately Genis and April butted heads. (He destroyed like half her office, ruined a couple PRICELESS books and then offered to buy her lunch in apology. Suffice to say April was less than impressed) -- except over the years, they’ve gotten really close. Occasionally Phil and I delve into the divergent canon where April and Genis actually end up romantically involved but it always ends in heartache because April is bad at being happy and Genis is bad at... well.. mitigating April’s more extreme bouts of self-loathing. BUT they are exceptional friends and Phil has a fantastic knack for finding the fun and funny in every situation and driving April absolutely UP A WALL. Phil’s also another rp partner I dragged into the collective with Mariah, because I like it when my writing partners all write together because I’m a spoiled princess. Phil’s a total sweetheart though and his Genis Vell is motherfucking spot on. He’s spent a lot of time with the character and it shows, but he also understands pragmatic, human interactions from a writing sense so it’s always a joy when we write together or chat. @askprofessorx NAAAAYYAA -- Naya’s another of those rpers I sort of. Grew on. Like a fungus. I wooed her with poetry first and then introduced her Charl to April and what I consider to be one of my more beautifully painful plot ideas. It involved time travel and the overhanging possibility of April dying. And because April was from the modern era trying desperately to get back, it was that much more painful when she started developing connections. And basically Naya and I plotted everything out over IMs and asks and now we have the most ridiculous tiny person ship in the history of ridiculous ships and Naya’s Charles is like... the cornerstone of my favorite Charles’s. She’s got this beautiful grasp of our fave telepath’s charming flirtatiousness and paired with the very Serious way he views morality and the world, which combined with April’s general cynicism (and it should be noted, our mutant verse involves April being a touch-telepath who can’t actually touch people without destroying their brains because control? what is that)-- and you have an April experiencing her worst fear. Which is not being in-control of herself. It’s beautiful and Naya is beautiful bean. @iremembereveryonethatleaves AHAHAHA Lilo was the first  ‘child’ April ever like. Accidentally adopted. And it happened entirely because of my age of aquarius verse, wherein instead of April seeking out Charles Xavier, she looked for Magneto instead. She found him. And his kid. And I literally have no idea WHY OR HOW April ended up becoming surrogate mom to Lilo since there’s no rational reason for Magneto getting along with April who is a cynical, borderline nihilist with Serious Rage Issues. But-- April and Lilo. Mommy and daughter and just. LITERALLY ALL MY HEART AND LOVE FOR THIS PERSON WHO MADE WRITING MUTANT APRIL FUN AND NOT PAINFUL. Until you (you asshole) made it painful. I still go through our tags to read all th angst, and I didn’t do it half so well as you and Tori did so.. @actually-i-prefer-magneto frick me so apparently I did my mutant crew in a triumvirate.  The flipside of the age of aquarius verse, where April found Magneto instead and became part of his Brotherhood. Because who wouldn’t have a need for a hyperpolyglot, with genius level intelligence and touch-telepathy? Magneto knew what he was getting out of the bargain, I just don’t think he expected April Miller. TBQH. Nobody ever expects her which is great, and this basically started as an incredibly painful, probably tragic plot that I had (sort of) intended to result in April’s death and it didn’t go that route. Like. At all. probably because these two babes understand that good angst is hard to come by and with the persistent low-hanging threat of April’s head getting blown off, or even worse, her returning to her own time, it meant that every interaction was always charged with a lowkey kind of desperation and tension.  Even when Erik and April got that ‘happy’ ending. It took an actual fucking lifetime to get there. And the best thing about Kristy is that she’s smart as fuck, I seem to surround myself with people who make writing look easy, and whose ability to thread together a long arching plot is so absolutely bafflingly amazing I am often struck stupid. @captain-outoftime AaBbbbYyyyYyy. So like- I met Abby through Mariah. Abby is the Steeb to Mariah’s Darcy. They’re hitched. It’s great. April helped Steve propose to Darcy even though April seems to have a PERPETUAL ISSUE with Steve Rogers that defies all explanation. IDK-- it’s probably something to do with the fact that April is a giant pain the ass and a tiny, fight-y blonde? WTF knows. Steve tolerates April. Abby tolerates me. Abby is a goddess. Beautiful, smart, funny as fuck, and like. Constantly busy. How she manages to balance RL shit with rp is beyond the scope of my ability to grasp yo but she’s the bomb-diggity. @americanasitgets MOTHERFUCKIN’ GABBY! My DC babe. Light of my liiife, fire in my loins, (not really but I was on a roll yo) -- I also met Gabby because of Mariah. And Gabby’s Clark. Gabby’s Clark is made of fucking sunshine okay, and the best part is, is that we’ve had like a sustained rp universe where April harasses Clark and doesnt know he’s superman, WHILE TASH-TRALKING SUPERMAN TO CLARK’S FACE. It’s comedy gold. Poor April. But I love Gabby, because she’s smart as shit and fuckin’ hysterical, and will literally snowball crack scenarios over IM into the wee hours of the morning. Even better, I’ve found someone whose as bad at keeping track of threads as me. (I say, as I eyeball our New Krypton thread that’s been in my drafts folder for like. Six months. Oops). @talonscourt D I KNOW THROUGH MY TIM BLOG-- but who I first met on April and then promptly FORGOT ABOUT because I’m a total dipshit. D writes Jason Todd, April surrogate son. This is a recent development. Tim loves Jason, April loves Jason. D is amazing as Jason. D is like... my platonic lover from Narnia. They’re smart as hell, and incredibly sweet even when I’m shit at keeping in contact because my real life is a hot-fuckin-mess and I’m always sick and on the verge of nuclear collapse. I would be TOTALLY LOST WITHOUT YOU. @galaeus Echo. As written by the ever talented Amy who I’ve known since April’s very first incarnation. Which... is a long ass time, Amy’s seen April through several character developments and rewrites, and has legit known April as a character since like. Legit. Post Tim. When April was a baby.  Echo is April’s other southern, raised by a pageant queen biffle. They shoot the shit together, Echo is also legit the only person in existence whose allowed to give April nicknames, or turn April into a diminutive. Amy’s basically like... hands down the reason why i never gave up on writing an Indie female OC, and that’s because Amy’s a boss and she also happens to be a spectacular writer, both in the RPC and in real life. @agentharrisonofshield and last but not least, this girl. Right here. April has like... a bevy of Awesome Girl Squad frands. All of whom are infinitely more talented and bad ass than she is, like. Legit. April’s smart. but in a fight? She’s basically cannon fodder by comparison. She just isn’t built for the field. April and Viv became friends because they got locked in a closet together. I’m not sure HOW that happened, but now they get together and chat in other languages and April feeds her, and basically this s the woman April goes to when she wants someone shot. I literally love all the headcanons we’ve put together and that Agent Harrison is invariably the first ‘shield agent’ April casually mentions outside of Echo, in threads of mine. That’s how you know you’ve found an awesome rp partner and friend. When their own characters start casually infiltrating your threads in the form of namedrops.

[decodervon]

(Disclaimer: I am writing for myself. I know nothing I can say or do will persuade anyone who reads this in or out of any situation they are in. I come here to take off my kid gloves and let my actual emotions swing. I say whatever I want here, with no filter or expectation of any sort of rebuttal or communication. I do not write to change any opinions, save for that of my own.)

Writing as if I'm talking to you.. helps. I have this.. concept of you.. one that never really existed. And if it did? Only for moments. This idea that you really honestly cared about the thoughts and feelings coming out of me. The concept of wanting to hold my hand and help me sort out what my problems were. Basically how I would act when all the stress and anxiety and panic hit you. I dont exhibit those emotions the same way. THIS is how I have a panic attack. This is how I deal with anxiety. I can feel it welling up, building.. and this is my teapot whistling. This is how I pour myself out. This is self-care. Not just some indirect way to contact you. As I made mention in my disclaimer, this is for me. It's not for you. I dont think you fully understood that this was all a window into my mind. Just for you to peek because I trusted you, and only you, enough to see into my extremely personal thoughts.

So talking to this.. imaginary version of you that still cares about me.. helps. You dont know how to care about me anymore in real life. You gave up on me a while ago. Your actual version of care never went past yourself. Your version of "above and beyond" was sticking around when I was terrible to you. That's not what that is. That was just.. stupidity. I was always wrong to treat you that way, but you were stupid to let me treat you that way. We look back on the timeline and the only thing that broke that? Shock. Leaving me. Helping me understand that you /wouldnt/ stick around through me beating you down emotionally. I was in a place that was so dark, I couldn't even see what I was doing or how I was treating you. You were suppose to be the one to reach into the muck and pull me out by my ears. Instead you let it drag you down with you.

I'm not blaming that all on you, mind you. Two to tango. But it was like trying to put out a fire by waiting patiently for it to die out. That was never going to work. But you arent the type of emotionally intelligent person to know, understand, or figure that out. Sorry. That was always your weakest point. That was something I had to help you develop literally our entire relationship. I'd even say "train" if I was feeling more malicious. Do you understand that I've been this emotionally adept since I was 15? Do you get how hard it is to SEE someone flounder with it a decade later and then have them not believe you know what you're talking about because they just don't understand it? I was right about so much stupid shit it makes me sick. I was right to stop trying after you starting treating me badly. I was right about Tom. I was right about you distancing yourself from me. I was right about you not having faith in me. and even going farther back into our open relationship and thinking you would burn past my boundaries with little to no regard and Kenny. It felt like I was a psychic and no one would believe me.

This is all just idle commentary. This isnt the heart of my anger or where my anxiety stems. These are the facts. You were never good with my emotional things. Sure, youd let me cry into you chest when it all hit, which was correct first step... but that's not the full scope of what an adult needs. Adults need to be reassured. They need to know that you're ready to help them, even if you dont actually. Adults need to be loved and calmed and talked to and made to understand that you'll be there for them when the worst hits. This was how I treated you when things were okay. How I took care of you during your attacks. After nearly all of mine, I was always found wanting. Like I was some sort of.. obstacle. Like taking care of me was a hassle. Like you were doing it only because you felt obligation. I dont know if that's how you actually felt, but it's how you came off. It made me feel like you just wanted me to stop crying because it was annoying. and god. what a feeling that is. not wanting to share your emotions with your significant other because you were scared they resented your feelings. it doesnt matter. I shouldnt have to explain to another grown-ups adult. you should be emotionally capable by 30. you've had a lot of opportunities to practice.

no relationship is without emotional labor. not one. not even the one you're in. you just haven't quite got there yet. you dont know their dark sides, you dont know when the other shoe is going to drop. you keep your walls up, but it's only a matter of time. you will deal with their damages, with their flaws, with everything that makes up that human being because that's what every human being is: a bunch of flaws and merits rolled into one mess. so enjoy your honeymoon phase, because everyday is one day closer to it being gone.

These are tangents. this isnt even why I wanted to talk here. Maybe the lack of emotional intelligence thing. that was one. always so shocked to see I'm hurt or surprised to see that my feelings well up and cause me to burst. that's what new years was. I regret saying anything more to you than "happy birthday". I was in a horrible way. we werent talking. I felt used. I felt like I did back in middle school when the occasional pretty girl would lead me around by the nose until she got bored of me. I felt like you had used me for attention for the last 3 months. letting me plan all the things you never wanted to plan. put in all the effort to try and see you. knowing secretly that you didnt want me, but loved the attention of being wanted. I was so angry. Part of that anger remains.. but not for that reason. That's just the logic of what lead to my explosion on new years. And let me make this clear: this isnt an excuse. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm not claiming the devil made me do it. these were my own actions which, even by myself, I am shameful and regretful over. These are the reasons that led up to it. I had just stood up to you and said I didnt want to be treated badly once I realized you were, in fact, doing that. And you were just fine to drop me. you didnt care. you didnt care about any of it. those months and time? you didnt care. so I said monstrous stuff. I said really horrible shit and even when you tried to stop me, i doubled downed on it. I wish I coudlve been logical. i wish your words could reach me while i felt that much anger. but they couldnt. not paired with the feeling that made me most angry: feeling emotional used by a pretty face.

You do understand that sharing my emotional experience isnt easy, right? If I was a good masseuse, it doesnt make massaging take any less effort.. in fact, probably more. Like talking to you, helping you decompress, trying to get you to understand better emotional habits? That was HARD. REALLY HARD. And then for 3 months I tried to have a relationship alone. Why let it drag on if you werent giving me a real chance? This is where I started to figure out where my true anger was coming from.

My true anger is something that time will not change. No matter what happens in our lives, the true anger is a permanent judgement against your character. it's a black mark I cannot forgive. It's a change of perspective in how i see, acknowledge, and respect you. It is the truth. And it all stems from Faith.

"What do you mean?" you ask. My eyes turning away from whatever I had been longing at to face yours, unblinking.

"Faith. It's a simple word with a very complex meaning. Very unique to each person who says it. Like Love or Sex."

"You remember the day I caught you. I came over and sat across from you, much like this. I watched you flail and cry and beg.. I watched you reach for me. In those moments.. You were the most honest you had ever been. In our relationship, perhaps in your life. You gave yourself up and wept. You wept for me to stay. You told me all your secrets and threw yourself to my mercy." I said, looking away mournfully.

"I had never.. seen such honesty." my tears teared up as I kept talking,

"I didnt know how to approach it, as angry as I was. I was so mad.. but seeing you be... actually honest was... disarming. I had no defense. I saw you for who you were. In all your flaws... in all your pain. You begged me. You exposed yourself and gave me everything and asked for another chance." my tears subsided slowly as I made my small side-glance back to your unwavering eyes.

"Faith. You were honest, but you were honest about being a cheat and a liar. No one in their right mind would want to enter into a bond with a self-admitted liar and cheat. But I had... Faith." the word being almost spit from my mouth, my face gently contorted at the thought.

"If there was one truth I knew about you, it was that you were a hard worker. I had faith that you would take this seriously. I had faith that with your sins laid bare, you could only ascend from that point. And so.. I made a choice." a light shrug followed by the ritual of removing a cigarette from my silver case. a smooth light and a pull later..

"I went against every fiber of my being. every angry bone in my body. every brain cell halting me. I said....'Okay' and that was that." Another long pull and my eyes drifted off to the wall, looking through them to that space that only exists in between everything else.

"And the worst part of all of this? I was right to do it. I watched you turn your entire life around. You started to dance again. you started to work out. and so your body issues became farther and farther away. You started down your burlesque career path. You started looking for better jobs. You found them and you got them. You became the girl I always saw and looked for. I was right to believe you and have faith." a quick laugh and another pull later, I adjusted myself in my seat, shooting a look back at her.

"You werent without mistakes, mind you. you had your stumbles. I couldn't tell you the exacts of them, because that was part of Faith too. It was the idea that I knew you could stumble, but those were to be forgiven if the rest of your progress was noticable enough to warrant it. And it was! You were turning it all around, slowly but surely. Who would I have been to get in the way of your progress by bogging you down at every little thing? I was happy to see you change from this secretive, gaslighting monster into.. into someone happy." the tears streamed down my face faster than I expected. I pulled my cigarette as if fearing the water would put it out. I cleaned myself up quickly, in a meek attempt to conceal it.

"But something we didnt account for was.. how far the damage of betrayal went. It coursed through my veins. it haunted me like a ghost. it STILL haunts me. I was betrayed by who i had loved the most. it was my most venerable covenant with myself. I hated you for it." I took a long drag while looking at her dead on.

"I /hated/ you for it. I was still honestly happy to see you grow and change. but I had a darkness to me that was inconsolable. so much resentment. It was like seeing your favorite, most friendly friend... and knowing they accidentally killed someone over the summer. it was this duality of love and hate. you were my heaven and my hell. I didnt know to negotiate the two." I cashed the end of my cigarette and sat my elbows on my knees, chin on folded hands.

"My true anger. Once it all hit critical mass. once you pushed yourself beyond. after the death. after I started to really abuse your emotions, you measured me. I pushed my last time and much like the man before me, you agreed. I left you and you finally agreed. I was found wanting and it slapped me in the face. In that moment, I saw myself. I finally admitted and saw what I had become. a shadow of myself. a ghost of a kind man grown cold. It was like putting on glasses or a hat that fit. I was shocked. I was cowed. I was ashamed and I was repent. So many feelings at once strangled me and the one that erupted over them all was the loss of you. You were the trigger. You were the harsh truth I needed to hear. I shoot myself through the foot and you were the smoking hole that let me understand I wasnt okay." my eyes looked away shamefully, moving back in my seat. with an uncomfortable adjust, I continued.

"I...begged you. I found myself on the other side of that table, so long ago. caught within my own impulses and my worst behaviors. a victim of my own design. that person i loved and cared for so close and so far. I cried and I pleaded. I admitted my guilt and my sins and threw myself to you like you had shown me." my face contorted in what started as sadness, but transitioned into a crying glare.

"I asked you. with all my shit laid bare. I asked for another chance. I asked for your faith!" my eyes turned away, shaking my head, looking down.

"I dont know why I thought you had the emotional acumen to do what I had done. to give me the honest chance i had given you. hell, I helped develop those skills in you and that was my HARDEST emotional choice. thinking that you would.. that you COULD do that was irresponsible of me. But you said, 'yes.' maybe just to mirror me, maybe because you werent ready to lose me. whatever the reason, you signed a check your heart wasnt ready to cash."

"every misstep I made sent me right back to start. you didn't care that I was making progress. you didnt care I was taking better care of myself or moving towards the things o wanted. none of that mattered. you were done before you knew you were done. you let me.. twist and writhe and letting me make a fool out of myself trying to beg you to allow me the priviledge of courting you. Do you understand how fucked up that is to do to someone you've known for that long who is trying their hardest? I know I had a hard time trusting you originally, but I knew that was /MY/ problem and not yours. I worked on it in my own time and figured it out. you put all of it on me. you FOUGHT ME ABOUT TOM." I was yelling at this point. I tried to calm myself and take a deep breath, but those words rang over and over in my head.

"....you even admitted I was right to think what i thought. that means you admit my warning my legitimate and that means you were wrong to fight me and defend him. that was one of our last fights. and you never realised it wasnt really about him. it was about how you would more likely defend a friend that didnt deserve it, than believe someone who earnestly loved you. you have a Stockholm syndrome with your friendships and I'm tired of pretending you dont. It is not a strength and if you were smart, you wouldnt give away so much power to people you dont fully know. But whatever. I'm not here to advise anymore." another breath. another sigh. the last tirade.

"You gave me a chance without faith. you had no plan to work with me. you had.. no faith in me changing. because you needed me to change in a way that you understood, not in a way that actually benefitted me. Many people have come up to me unprompted to tell me they were impressed by what they had noticed. they still do. they talk about how much better off i am without you. how stronger I am." quiet tears cascaded down. soft, gentle ones. truer than the angry ones.

"...then why dont I feel strong? why dont I feel better off? you didnt.. didnt understand how to have faith in someone. you didnt believe in me. you saw me at my lowest and you turned away from me. all you ever understood was what could benefit you. even now. even with him. it's all about what you can take from it. you're a narcissist. the thing you loved most about me was what I could do for you. how I could take care of you. you monster. you used me. you used my infinite heart and blackened it. I learned nothing from you. that's my true anger. you looked away when I needed you most. you were there for better, but not for worse. I gave you an honest, real chance. what you gave me? it was nothing. I tore your stupid poster down. threw away your stupid clothes. our last talk? you wanting my body and still getting his. I am still the cake you want to eat while already having one. I just exist as someone to take from. I will always exist in your mind as a place to only take. if Death finds you? You will call upon me to take emotional solace. if Chaos finds you? you will call to take stability. I do not exist unless I benefit you. unless I serve. I had served you enough."

everything I was put through after Magnolia was hell. I know I complained about it, but I loved going to Magnolia every time. It was my first home. I loved exploring and going different ways.. seeing my old homes. the old streets. That was where our happiness died.

I forgive you for all the other things, but I can never ever forgive you for losing Faith in me. I forgave you after cheating on me and seeing someone behind my back. you couldnt forgive me after my heart was destroyed and my family died. you are self-centered. In the end, you dont care about others, you just care about how it affects you.

must be nice.

ps. I'm considering leaving her. not for you, but for me. I need something light and meaningless. youd probably fit the bill if you werent so embroiled in your own selfish gains. but I'm sure the feeling of anyone filling up that space in your bed in your wrecked room is good enough. whether you know them for a few months or 8 years.

[nancydsmithus]

Designing And Building A Progressive Web Application Without A Framework (Part 1)

Designing And Building A Progressive Web Application Without A Framework (Part 1)

Ben Frain

2019-07-23T14:00:59+02:002019-07-23T12:07:36+00:00

How does a web application actually work? I don’t mean from the end-user point of view. I mean in the technical sense. How does a web application actually run? What kicks things off? Without any boilerplate code, what’s the right way to structure an application? Particularly a client-side application where all the logic runs on the end-users device. How does data get managed and manipulated? How do you make the interface react to changes in the data?

These are the kind of questions that are simple to side-step or ignore entirely with a framework. Developers reach for something like React, Vue, Ember or Angular, follow the documentation to get up and running and away they go. Those problems are handled by the framework’s box of tricks.

That may be exactly how you want things. Arguably, it’s the smart thing to do if you want to build something to a professional standard. However, with the magic abstracted away, you never get to learn how the tricks are actually performed.

Don’t you want to know how the tricks are done?

I did. So, I decided to try building a basic client-side application, sans-framework, to understand these problems for myself.

But, I’m getting a little ahead of myself; a little background first.

Before starting this journey I considered myself highly proficient at HTML and CSS but not JavaScript. As I felt I’d solved the biggest questions I had of CSS to my satisfaction, the next challenge I set myself was understanding a programming language.

The fact was, I was relatively beginner-level with JavaScript. And, aside from hacking the PHP of Wordpress around, I had no exposure or training in any other programming language either.

Let me qualify that ‘beginner-level’ assertion. Sure, I could get interactivity working on a page. Toggle classes, create DOM nodes, append and move them around, etc. But when it came to organizing the code for anything beyond that I was pretty clueless. I wasn’t confident building anything approaching an application. I had no idea how to define a set of data in JavaScipt, let alone manipulate it with functions.

I had no understanding of JavaScript ‘design patterns’ — established approaches for solving oft-encountered code problems. I certainly didn’t have a feel for how to approach fundamental application-design decisions.

Have you ever played ‘Top Trumps’? Well, in the web developer edition, my card would look something like this (marks out of 100):

CSS: 95

Copy and paste: 90

Hairline: 4

HTML: 90

JavaSript: 13

In addition to wanting to challenge myself on a technical level, I was also lacking in design chops.

With almost exclusively coding other peoples designs for the past decade, my visual design skills hadn’t had any real challenges since the late noughties. Reflecting on that fact and my puny JavaScript skills, cultivated a growing sense of professional inadequacy. It was time to address my shortcomings.

A personal challenge took form in my mind: to design and build a client-side JavaScript web application.

On Learning

There has never been more great resources to learn computing languages. Particularly JavaScript. However, it took me a while to find resources that explained things in a way that clicked. For me, Kyle Simpson’s ‘You Don’t Know JS’ and ‘Eloquent JavaScript’ by Marijn Haverbeke were a big help.

If you are beginning learning JavaScript, you will surely need to find your own gurus; people whose method of explaining works for you.

The first key thing I learned was that it’s pointless trying to learn from a teacher/resource that doesn’t explain things in a way you understand. Some people look at function examples with foo and bar in and instantly grok the meaning. I’m not one of those people. If you aren’t either, don’t assume programming languages aren’t for you. Just try a different resource and keep trying to apply the skills you are learning.

It’s also not a given that you will enjoy any kind of eureka moment where everything suddenly ‘clicks’; like the coding equivalent of love at first sight. It’s more likely it will take a lot of perseverance and considerable application of your learnings to feel confident.

As soon as you feel even a little competent, trying to apply your learning will teach you even more.

Here are some resources I found helpful along the way:

Fun Fun Function YouTube Channel

Kyle Simpson Plural Sight courses

Wes Bos’s JavaScript30.com

Eloquent JavaScript by Marijn Haverbeke

Right, that’s pretty much all you need to know about why I arrived at this point. The elephant now in the room is, why not use a framework?

Why Not React, Ember, Angular, Vue Et Al

Whilst the answer was alluded to at the beginning, I think the subject of why a framework wasn’t used needs expanding upon.

There are an abundance of high quality, well supported, JavaScript frameworks. Each specifically designed for the building of client-side web applications. Exactly the sort of thing I was looking to build. I forgive you for wondering the obvious: like, err, why not use one?

Here’s my stance on that. When you learn to use an abstraction, that’s primarily what you are learning — the abstraction. I wanted to learn the thing, not the abstraction of the thing.

I remember learning some jQuery back in the day. Whilst the lovely API let me make DOM manipulations easier than ever before I became powerless without it. I couldn’t even toggle classes on an element without needing jQuery. Task me with some basic interactivity on a page without jQuery to lean on and I stumbled about in my editor like a shorn Samson.

More recently, as I attempted to improve my understanding of JavaScript, I’d tried to wrap my head around Vue and React a little. But ultimately, I was never sure where standard JavaScript ended and React or Vue began. My opinion is that these abstractions are far more worthwhile when you understand what they are doing for you.

Therefore, if I was going to learn something I wanted to understand the core parts of the language. That way, I had some transferable skills. I wanted to retain something when the current flavor of the month framework had been cast aside for the next ‘hot new thing’.

Okay. Now, we’re caught up on why this app was getting made, and also, like it or not, how it would be made.

Let’s move on to what this thing was going to be.

An Application Idea

I needed an app idea. Nothing too ambitious; I didn’t have any delusions of creating a business start-up or appearing on Dragon’s Den — learning JavaScript and application basics was my primary goal.

The application needed to be something I had a fighting chance of pulling off technically and making a half-decent design job off to boot.

Tangent time.

Away from work, I organize and play indoor football whenever I can. As the organizer, it’s a pain to mentally note who has sent me a message to say they are playing and who hasn’t. 10 people are needed for a game typically, 8 at a push. There’s a roster of about 20 people who may or may not be able to play each game.

The app idea I settled on was something that enabled picking players from a roster, giving me a count of how many players had confirmed they could play.

As I thought about it more I felt I could broaden the scope a little more so that it could be used to organize any simple team-based activity.

Admittedly, I’d hardly dreamt up Google Earth. It did, however, have all the essential challenges: design, data management, interactivity, data storage, code organization.

Design-wise, I wouldn’t concern myself with anything other than a version that could run and work well on a phone viewport. I’d limit the design challenges to solving the problems on small screens only.

The core idea certainly leaned itself to ‘to-do’ style applications, of which there were heaps of existing examples to look at for inspiration whilst also having just enough difference to provide some unique design and coding challenges.

Intended Features

An initial bullet-point list of features I intended to design and code looked like this:

An input box to add people to the roster;

The ability to set each person to ‘in’ or ‘out’;

A tool that splits the people into teams, defaulting to 2 teams;

The ability to delete a person from the roster;

Some interface for ‘tools’. Besides splitting, available tools should include the ability to download the entered data as a file, upload previously saved data and delete-all players in one go;

The app should show a current count of how many people are ‘In’;

If there are no people selected for a game, it should hide the team splitter;

Pay mode. A toggle in settings that allows ‘in’ users to have an additional toggle to show whether they have paid or not.

At the outset, this is what I considered the features for a minimum viable product.

Design

Designs started on scraps of paper. It was illuminating (read: crushing) to find out just how many ideas which were incredible in my head turned out to be ludicrous when subjected to even the meagre scrutiny afforded by a pencil drawing.

Many ideas were therefore quickly ruled out, but the flip side was that by sketching some ideas out, it invariably led to other ideas I would never have otherwise considered.

Now, designers reading this will likely be like, “Duh, of course” but this was a real revelation to me. Developers are used to seeing later stage designs, rarely seeing all the abandoned steps along the way prior to that point.

Once happy with something as a pencil drawing, I’d try and re-create it in the design package, Sketch. Just as ideas fell away at the paper and pencil stage, an equal number failed to make it through the next fidelity stage of Sketch. The ones that seemed to hold up as artboards in Sketch were then chosen as the candidates to code out.

I’d find in turn that when those candidates were built-in code, a percentage also failed to work for varying reasons. Each fidelity step exposed new challenges for the design to either pass or fail. And a failure would lead me literally and figuratively back to the drawing board.

As such, ultimately, the design I ended up with is quite a bit different than the one I originally had in Sketch. Here are the first Sketch mockups:

Initial design of Who’s In application (Large preview)

Initial menu for Who’s In application (Large preview)

Even then, I was under no delusions; it was a basic design. However, at this point I had something I was relatively confident could work and I was chomping at the bit to try and build it.

Technical Requirements

With some initial feature requirements and a basic visual direction, it was time to consider what should be achieved with the code.

Although received wisdom dictates that the way to make applications for iOS or Android devices is with native code, we have already established that my intention was to build the application with JavaScript.

I was also keen to ensure that the application ticked all the boxes necessary to qualify as a Progressive Web Application, or PWA as they are more commonly known.

On the off chance you are unaware what a Progressive Web Application is, here is the ‘elevator pitch’. Conceptually, just imagine a standard web application but one that meets some particular criteria. The adherence to this set of particular requirements means that a supporting device (think mobile phone) grants the web app special privileges, making the web application greater than the sum of its parts.

On Android, in particular, it can be near impossible to distinguish a PWA, built with just HTML, CSS and JavaScript, from an application built with native code.

Here is the Google checklist of requirements for an application to be considered a Progressive Web Application:

Site is served over HTTPS;

Pages are responsive on tablets & mobile devices;

All app URLs load while offline;

Metadata provided for Add to Home screen;

First load fast even on 3G;

Site works cross-browser;

Page transitions don’t feel like they block on the network;

Each page has a URL.

Now in addition, if you really want to be the teacher’s pet and have your application considered as an ‘Exemplary Progressive Web App’, then it should also meet the following requirements:

Site’s content is indexed by Google;

Schema.org metadata is provided where appropriate;

Social metadata is provided where appropriate;

Canonical URLs are provided when necessary;

Pages use the History API;

Content doesn’t jump as the page loads;

Pressing back from a detail page retains scroll position on the previous list page;

When tapped, inputs aren’t obscured by the on-screen keyboard;

Content is easily shareable from standalone or full-screen mode;

Site is responsive across phone, tablet and desktop screen sizes;

Any app install prompts are not used excessively;

The Add to Home Screen prompt is intercepted;

First load very fast even on 3G;

Site uses cache-first networking;

Site appropriately informs the user when they’re offline;

Provide context to the user about how notifications will be used;

UI encouraging users to turn on Push Notifications must not be overly aggressive;

Site dims the screen when the permission request is showing;

Push notifications must be timely, precise and relevant;

Provides controls to enable and disable notifications;

User is logged in across devices via Credential Management API;

User can pay easily via native UI from Payment Request API.

Crikey! I don’t know about you but that second bunch of stuff seems like a whole lot of work for a basic application! As it happens there are plenty of items there that aren’t relevant to what I had planned anyway. Despite that, I'm not ashamed to say I lowered my sights to only pass the initial tests.

For a whole section of application types, I believe a PWA is a more applicable solution than a native application. Where games and SaaS arguably make more sense in an app store, smaller utilities can live quite happily and more successfully on the web as Progressive Web Applications.

Whilst on the subject of me shirking hard work, another choice made early on was to try and store all data for the application on the users own device. That way it wouldn’t be necessary to hook up with data services and servers and deal with log-ins and authentications. For where my skills were at, figuring out authentication and storing user data seemed like it would almost certainly be biting off more than I could chew and overkill for the remit of the application!

Technology Choices

With a fairly clear idea on what the goal was, attention turned to the tools that could be employed to build it.

I decided early on to use TypeScript, which is described on its website as “… a typed superset of JavaScript that compiles to plain JavaScript.” What I’d seen and read of the language I liked, especially the fact it learned itself so well to static analysis.

Static analysis simply means a program can look at your code before running it (e.g. when it is static) and highlight problems. It can’t necessarily point out logical issues but it can point to non-conforming code against a set of rules.

Anything that could point out my (sure to be many) errors as I went along had to be a good thing, right?

If you are unfamiliar with TypeScript consider the following code in vanilla JavaScript:

console.log(`${count} players`); let count = 0;

Run this code and you will get an error something like:

ReferenceError: Cannot access uninitialized variable.

For those with even a little JavaScript prowess, for this basic example, they don’t need a tool to tell them things won’t end well.

However, if you write that same code in TypeScript, this happens in the editor:

TypeScript in action (Large preview)

I’m getting some feedback on my idiocy before I even run the code! That’s the beauty of static analysis. This feedback was often like having a more experienced developer sat with me catching errors as I went.

TypeScript primarily, as the name implies, let’s you specify the ‘type’ expected for each thing in the code. This prevents you inadvertently ‘coercing’ one type to another. Or attempting to run a method on a piece of data that isn’t applicable — an array method on an object for example. This isn’t the sort of thing that necessarily results in an error when the code runs, but it can certainly introduce hard to track bugs. Thanks to TypeScript you get feedback in the editor before even attempting to run the code.

TypeScript was certainly not essential in this journey of discovery and I would never encourage anyone to jump on tools of this nature unless there was a clear benefit. Setting tools up and configuring tools in the first place can be a time sink so definitely consider their applicability before diving in.

There are other benefits afforded by TypeScript we will come to in the next article in this series but the static analysis capabilities were enough alone for me to want to adopt TypeScript.

There were knock-on considerations of the choices I was making. Opting to build the application as a Progressive Web Application meant I would need to understand Service Workers to some degree. Using TypeScript would mean introducing build tools of some sort. How would I manage those tools? Historically, I’d used NPM as a package manager but what about Yarn? Was it worth using Yarn instead? Being performance-focused would mean considering some minification or bundling tools; tools like webpack were becoming more and more popular and would need evaluating.

Summary

I’d recognized a need to embark on this quest. My JavaScript powers were weak and nothing girds the loins as much as attempting to put theory into practice. Deciding to build a web application with vanilla JavaScript was to be my baptism of fire.

I’d spent some time researching and considering the options for making the application and decided that making the application a Progressive Web App made the most sense for my skill-set and the relative simplicity of the idea.

I’d need build tools, a package manager, and subsequently, a whole lot of patience.

Ultimately, at this point the fundamental question remained: was this something I could actually manage? Or would I be humbled by my own ineptitude?

I hope you join me in part two when you can read about build tools, JavaScript design patterns and how to make something more ‘app-like’.

(dm, yk, il)

[proofsaretalk]

rapidly barreling toward that 1k mark

The title is not what this post is about. (cw: five pages of boring navelgazing)

------

Sometimes, when I get really close to going to bed after staying up for far too long, I will say things like “What are you doing?” And I normally think about that as just my not-quite-totally-mentally-healthy ass’s way of saying “go to bed bro”

But somehow when I said it tonight the question sounded a lot more urgent. A lot more confused. A lot more like a question, in other words.

And I think best in writing.

So here are the basic facts:

I am very tired right now (4am)

I was (less) very tired about four hours ago

I intentionally chose to not go to bed four hours ago, 

After watching a really good SGDQ run.

I actually very much enjoy SGDQ runs.

But I did not spend the intervening four hours watching SGDQ runs.

Primarily because I knew I would not stay awake by doing so.

I more or less knew, when I made that decision, that I would be awake at 4am.

See 3.4.

I have been going to bed around 2-3am for the last couple days.

This schedule initiated by me staying up way too late on Sunday of last week, for reasons that were equally unreasonable but at least more familiar.

I need to be awake in 3 hours, or, at most 4 hours.

I have known for several days that I would need to be awake at 7am on Monday morning.

Less basic facts, with notably more reporting bias, probably:

The reason that I need to be awake at 7am on Monday morning is because I am going on a road trip with my dad and my roommate.

I am mostly going on this road trip because I want to spend more time with my dad.

And also because I want to signal to him that I want to spend more time with him.

Which I definitely feel like I have not, although I have had dinner with him for three nights this week; in no small part because I was in Montreal when he arrived and have not done a lick of work to help care for my grandmother while he was in town. 

In particular I don’t really care about where we’re going or what we’ll do there.

I intended to drive both ways— which I never told anyone that I was intending to do, which I suppose was good because I will certainly not do that now.

Maybe we’re approaching the actual reason I am doing this obviously stupid thing, Part I:

My main goals this summer are, in priority order

to get a fucking advisor, 

a.k.a. to work hard enough and deep enough on commutative algebra to determine whether it is a good idea to be Christine’s student, and

if so, to then decide whether I should work with Vic anyway.

to reach the 1k posts in 1k days goal with OTAM, 

which requires essentially exactly two posts per day every day for the remainder of the summer

which is, to an unbelievably strong level of consistency (like literally I do not believe it), four hours +/- 40 minutes of work.

that’s it

i fucking hate it when my family asks me “what have you been doing lately” because it’s like

I’M READING

I’M BLOGGING

THAT’S IT

Anything I do beyond this is— though it be, to some extent, necessary for keeping my sanity— something I perceive as an annoyance and do with a fair bit of guilt (which I do try to put off until after doing the thing, usually pretty successfully).

and you know what, yes, if I’m being honest, that includes spending time with my family

even though this is 110% my own damn problem and if I had locked myself in my room this week, my dad (in particular) would totally have understood

although he lives 1600 miles away, and is only here for two weeks, and his birthday is tomorrow, and I missed out on seeing him the first week because Montreal, because my dad is a pure cinnamon roll lol no but is (in particular) genuinely understanding about this stuff; the whole midwesterner guilt trip passive-aggressive thing is very much not his aesthetic

and also I really haven’t spent that much time with my family besides this week so. [ At most 3hrs/week previously ]

I have two blog posts scheduled for tomorrow and another one besides; that is, enough that I can go on the trip and wake up late on Tuesday and I won’t experience any interruptions

I was highly embarrassed that I had to miss the second Friday post this week

I spent a lot of time on Saturday working with the specific intention of having a large enough buffer to make sure that this did not happen again on Tuesday.

aka 4 blog posts

aka 12 hours of blogging, because the rate of 2hr/post only applies to the first two posts in a day, after which the evidence suggests (more on that below) that it’s a complete shitshow.

aka nothing else got done, which is relevant because

For the first time on our regularly scheduled Thursday meeting time, Christine actually gave me something to do — previously it was mostly entirely me being like “I’m reading the book, here are my questions”.

I have done essentially no work toward doing that thing.

See 3.4

See also 2.2 from the previous section.

I have never felt happy about the amount of time that I’ve been devoting to the algebra 

See 1.3.5 oh god this is becoming a labrynth isn’t it

Christine seems oblivious to this, or perhaps thinks that, since I bring it up every week, I am just trying to preempt any criticism she might make

which to be honest isn’t wrong but

I have experience with being advised by someone with fairly low expectations of me and yeah it drives me right up the fucking wall

and I am definitely keeping my eye on her essential silence w.r.t. progress

In particular, I don’t feel happy about the fact that I have been spending so much more time on the blog than on the algebra because the latter is clearly infinitely more important for my continued ability to support myself by doing the thing that makes me incredibly happy.

There are good reasons I have made this choice but I definitely expected that these would disappear after returning from Montreal

which they have, and hence my continued inability to spend time doing algebra is even more disappointing to me

despite the fact that new reasons obviously exist that are also obviously temporary since dad will leave on the 4th.

and that I also do strongly value my familial relationships and am extremely bad at showing this; and I understand that what I have chosen to do for the past week is a very shrewd calculation to maximize the number of people who have firsthand experience with my show of commitment (however obviously performative it may be)

to be clear, I do not know if it is obvious that it is performative

I do not even know if it is performative

The fact that my algebra assignment for the week came from Christine, and not from a vague sense of “you should probably finish this book”, adds a particular urgency to the task... 

...and what seems to be my inevitable failure to complete it, since I have only Tuesday and Wednesday; and Tuesday is the 4th of July so that might as well not exist, productivity-wise; and I still have to write the usual two blogposts for Wednesday so it’s not like I can cram a 14-hour session (which I have done before).

I do not know whether I am more concerned about potentially disappointing Christine or myself

(even though the former is so unlikely that it is almost certainly anxiety)

Okay that’s nice exposition but doesn’t actually explain why you’re awake at 4am (hint it’s 5am now), Part II:

When I walked out of Christine’s office on Thursday, I definitely did not think that I would be spending all of Monday, and essentially all of Friday, and a good half of Sunday, to be spent with family. (Of course, I still expected Tuesday to be shot.)

However, all of that was clarified by Friday afternoon, so I’ve had a couple days to mull on this.

I certainly did not make the decision to stay awake in hopes that I would get any work done.

In fact, if I am being honest, this was an intentional part of my thought process and I made the decision in spite of this fact.

What I did not consider is that, if I have to cancel the plans for today because I did this stupid thing, I certainly will not be able to fucking do anything tomorrow since I will have to sleep through everything. 

Dear God, the sun is rising through my window

I closed the blinds, whew

What I did end up doing over this four-hour period is mostly read career posts on math blogs, and reading PhD, with a little bit of SGDQ and a pinch of assorted internet clicking thrown in.

It is perhaps not obvious to anyone else that this has the feel of a self-care session to me.

The only thing that I could possibly have been consciously self-caring for, though, was the expenditure of energy at my dad’s birthday party today.

(Anxieties about the Christine reading only started appearing in the later phases of this period.)

And surely sleeping would have been equally good dramatically better self-care.

I definitely have a sometimes-useful tendency to want to do a single thing for as long of an uninterrupted period as possible, up to and including completely destroying my sleeping rhythm (which accounts for much of the ‘sometimes’ in ‘sometimes-useful’).

The part of me that likes to make needlessly grandiose statements and read into shit too much, is squawking about how I probably feel like I had expectations for how I would be spending my time (I did), and feel like I’ve been forced into a time-consuming alternate direction (which, again: no), and therefore making this stupid decision is a juvenile way of exercising control by breaking from what would probably be “expected” of me (i.e. fucking going to sleep before a day-long road trip)

I am currently convinced of this but also

I am even more tired than when I started writing this post and

I don’t trust my tired brain to be right about anything of this scope (based on extensive experience with incorrect sleeping decisions).

That’s all I got.

No alternate theories.

So, shit, that’s gotta mean it’s right, huh?

Lambda

Actually, continuing on the sleeping-as-control riff, I am quite experienced with (and, if I may say so, fairly good at) managing an awful sleeping cycle. Perhaps the stupid decision was not about controlling how I spend my time but rather more direct: demonstrating control in my life via crisis management w.r.t. sleeping.

This is actually a testable theory, at least in the sense that if I have something similar come up soon, I could replace “not sleeping” with “playing Starcraft”

[ it’s not perfect because I would also not be sleeping in that setting, but then the not-sleeping is a side effect rather than the actual display of control; and I think that I could (after the fact) actually distinguish between those two. ]

(and arguably, this has already been played out in prior incidents, but I am way too tired to examine whether similar issues were at play in those cases.)

And finally

I am equally concerned with the fact that this post has cost me two hours of sleeping as it has cost me two hour of algebra work,

which is to say, not at all, in either case

although I do perceive very little of value was gained by my writing it

which is a very confusing triplet of true statements, to me, at this moment.

I may have to cancel the road trip.

Perhaps this was my subconscious goal all along.

But I’ll go to sleep take a power nap and we’ll see.

If your sorry ass thinks that I’ve been writing this shit for two hours without theorizing how I could sanitize it into an OTAM post then frankly you don’t know me at all.

[intergalactic-nimrod]

Finished Breath of the Wild today (Spoiler Free)

First off, I’m not much of a gamer. Mum never let me get a console when I was a kid, so I never got to get into them. I always knew though that eventually when I would get a console it would be a Nintendo one. Nintendo is the root of video games as they are today, and their main line IP’s have always really resonated with me. So, I preordered a Switch launch day, fully aware it would have problems and a limited selection of launch games, but I wanted to support a game company that still sought to innovate with how people play games, rather than pushing an ultimately futile graphics barrier. There’s only so high of a resolution that the human eye can see, and no matter how realistic you try to make a game it simply will not hold up in time, whereas games with more artistic styles have much greater life spans.

My expectations for Breath of the Wild were sky high. Again, I’m not much of a gamer, especially because of my restrictive budget, but it just looked exciting and fun. I had watched playthroughs of the other Zelda games and loved the general world and culture of the series, and gained a huge appreciation of its history. I loved seeing Breath of the Wild trying to break away from conventions and both defy and redefine what a Zelda game could be. I thought it would make an excellent introduction for me into console gaming, and I just fell for the emotional tone of the trailers.

So here I am, having finished the game 13 days after its release, and I have to say, it was good, but it was NOT a 10/10 game. In fact it was great, it was ambitious, it was almost as perfect as I could’ve asked for it to be in a lot of parts, but this is not the end of the Zelda franchise, with no place for it to go from here.

I enjoyed my Zelda experience immensely. I found myself smiling and giggling throughout parts of it, and I find it hard to feel emotions these days through art and entertainment after being exposed to it my whole life. I felt pure and honest joy through most of it. The game play was always fun and clean, and there were few things I would change mechanically.

The flaws with the game come not out of its mechanics, but out of its philosophy, which paradoxically is also the thing that is so amazing about it. The world is open, it’s free, and you can easily get lost in it, but it’s a happy feeling of being lost. At the same time though, there is the story and general motion/pace to the game that flows nicely and can guide the player, or let them break away from it. The problem with this though, is that at times it can be too much... and I know this is where I may lose some, but after I had finished the story (exempting final boss), about 100 of the shrines, found all the memories, beat all the dungeons, and completed my map of Hyrule, I suddenly found myself bored. VERY bored.

The greatest experience of BotW is that Hyrule itself is a character. Each tower was a checkpoint, but also a step forward as it opened up more of the world to explore. When I first left the Great Plateau and went out into the world, it was wild, open freedom and discovery. As I went on, I would find shrines to serve as mini checkpoints, and that’s the brilliance of the game. You can get lost, but you only get lost exploring. As you open up the map, you see things you didn’t see before, and the shrines serve as stations to teleport you around and get you closer to interesting things. They help you fill out the spaces in the world, and whereas at first I was just a kid named Link, running about, I slowly found myself literally conquering Hyrule. I was going about, enthralled by the story, and mastering shrines, becoming stronger, and facing the wild. It’s an excellent formula: the confusion and wonder of stepping into the unknown, the curve and quest to survive and thrive, pulling the content and rising above its challenges, and then besting it, becoming its master as you teleport around, filling in the gaps of your understanding of the area.

But when all was said and done, I had conquered Hyrule, and suddenly there was nothing to do. The last shrines I missed were a drag to find tucked away amidst the huge map that I had already conquered at 97%, and that last 3% felt like it wouldn’t have been worth it without story to keep my trajectory going forward. There was one last thing really worth doing: Ganon, the biggest, baddest, overhanging quest and priority. I ended up looking up walkthroughs to find and get the last shrines, just because I wanted the final reward and to max myself out for the final challenge.

I thought about finding all the Koroks, but after my entire time playing the game I only found 171 out of NINE HUNDRED. Definitely not worth it. I tried maxing out my armors, but soon found that to be boring, as it was mostly just trying to tediously gather hard to get materials.

I had conquered Hyrule, gone over it a ton of times, and there just wasn’t enough tucked into every percent and square inch of the game to drive me to go beyond the story too much. In fact, that’s another criticism: I love the story for what’s there, but I wish there was more for such a larger game, OR I wish the game and world was smaller to balance out the actual scope of what the story does. It’s very simple, and though it is perfectly done for what is there, the world is too big and its spirit gets stretched thin.

Hyrule is enormous, and that becomes a problem when you start seeing the same towers and art styles and patterns everywhere. I started noticing how geometric a lot of the terrain was, and the imperfections of the world and graphics as I constantly went back over. The world, for as big and fun as it is begins to lose some of its face that it desperately needs its story for. Some things just look and feel too samey, like certain parts were just copy-pasted about. Eventually a lot of shrines were just combat trials to fill in the gaps and most Korok puzzles felt the same. I lost the drive to look around for secrets because I knew they were always going to be the same thing, whether it be a chest with rupees or some weapon I’ve seen a hundred times.

The only mechanical problem with the game was the now infamous glass weapons, which is a criticism I agree with- to a limited extent. I was constantly having new and powerful weapons being thrown at me as I went around, so having plentiful weapons helped to easily balance how quickly they broke, but the constant fear of a weapon I liked or was saving breaking or having to be tossed out of my limited inventory lingered over every battle, and I just wished they would have higher durability so I could experiment more and find a style or set of weapons that worked and made combat situations like a puzzle in themselves, with me having a versatile strategy which I could employ to fit the context of the battle. It makes the player become more skilled and trained with the combat system, but instead I found myself stocking up on high powered weapons and just wailing on enemies until they broke, just to bring out the next disposable weapon and continue the same. It didn’t completely not work, but it felt counter intuitive to the brilliant and challenging philosophy the game had set up about choice, but also choice with the limits of strategy and thinking. You COULD run into a battle stupidly and just go swinging wildly, but it would be more EFFECTIVE and BENEFICIAL to the player to go about things carefully and with thought. Unfortunately, the brittle weapons undermine this idea, and throw a spike into the squeaky clean design of the battle system.

My favorite thing about this game by far though, was its philosophy. In every piece of media, there is the concept and then the execution. Breath of the Wild is an excellent idea, with just a few missteps in execution that I’ve already mentioned that undermine its philosophy. However, don’t let that take away from how brilliant most of it is conceptually and doesn’t belittle the player. It perfectly understands what Zelda games were, what they should be, and did an extremely admiral job of nearly getting there. It’s a game that’s clearly designed and aware of what it wanted to be, unlike lots of other modern games. You could execute the most perfectly polished and well put together turd in history, but it’s still a turd. Breath of the Wild is quite the opposite, though its imperfections in execution are not nearly so horrible as could be eluded from such an absolute analogy.

The best thing that Breath of the Wild could have done is perfect its philosophy, and that much is very clear. The name of the title is The Legend of ZELDA. This is not a game about Link. Zelda is made the most complex and likeable character in this game, and your quest is to go out and remember her, to regain the past that was her, and restore her future. I wish Link were a little less stilted, as in a little more expressive (in cut scenes I mean), but the game clearly understands what Zelda was about in its first inception. Zelda is your ultimate quest, your ultimate goal. SHE is the legend and the core of the game, and so long as I was going after saving her, the game was amazing.

[Very mild spoilers from here on out, but nothing major at all. I’m still keeping things very vague] The final boss fight of the game was good, but almost underwhelming, and it made me wish Ganon had been somewhat of a character, rather than just a force. It would rhyme well with Zelda, as the calamity was the source of her pains and her need to fulfill her duty (and her inability to do so). Making Ganon an actual character again would’ve embodied this force into something more human and relateable, giving part of her struggles a face to identify with. The only face the calamity has is the threatening image of the corrupted Hyrule Castle, always in the distance, always looming. That in itself is very effective, but I still can’t help wishing for more story. Again, it was amazing for what was there, I just wish there was more.

I was also partly disappointed by the ending, partly because I wished it were still harder (and it would’ve been more satisfying if Ganon were a character/individual rather than just a beast), but also I wish the ending would do more than just... end. I’m probably flawed in that I do have a specific image of what I’d like the end of a Zelda game to be, but at that point I’m probably better of making a Zelda movie. For as much as the game redefined the Zelda series and took itself back to its roots while also moving forward, I wish the ending would’ve also moved their world forward. I’ve always hated the Zelda timeline, where every game is essentially a reboot or re imagining (often with some gimmick or circumstantial them). It would’ve been amazing to see a very satisfying ending where it breaks all final conventions, and takes the future of the franchise in a new direction as well. That wouldn’t have just been amazing, that would’ve been REVOLUTIONARY (for the series at least). It’s not all bad, in fact not bad at all, and in a sense it does fulfill my desire be leaving things off in an open way. It really felt like this was just the first installment of a new series, like there was more to come... and thus that brings me to a conclusion.

This is not the epitome of exactly what a Zelda game should be. It’s not PERFECT, and it’s not the Zelda game to end all Zelda games that I hoped it would be. Instead, BotW presents itself as something completely different: a new beginning. From here on out, I want Zelda to continue what this game has started, not just rebooting itself over and over, but expanding and fixing the flaws that lay in the small cracks of its perfect foundation. I think I ultimately found this game a little unsatisfying because the world began to look and feel the same throughout a lot of it. Also, it felt like too much of Hyrule was destroyed and disjointed. I’d like to see the next installment be a restored Hyrule, at its near full glory, but without erasing the ruins of the past. I want the history implied in BotW to still show, like destroyed town and places, but I want to see a more flourishing and characterized Hyrule rising out of its ashes.

The next installment could be made even better by doing just a few simple things. Ultimately, the world was made bigger than the game could comfortably sustain. It lost some of its streamlined nature and its fat began to spill out of its inappropriately fitting clothing (which it could’ve fixed by scaling up, and finding something to wear that was more flattering and appropriate to its larger form, though this is where I end this analogy), and by just making the game less of an open world, it could actually FEEL like more an open world, only one far more interesting. This game can’t afford to look generic like the environments of Minecraft, because in that game the player directly manipulates their world. Here, the players relationship with the world is just a little more restricted, and that’s fine and good and perfect, but that also means implementing more design, environment specific things, and unique areas of interest.

I don’t like numerical grading systems, but I highly recommend this game. It’s a real blast and worth picking up as soon as you can. Seriously, this is not one to miss. My consensus can be most closely comparable to an 8.5 or 9 out of 10 (closer to 8.5 though).

[pattersonvoice-blog]

City Council Meeting - 2.8.17

As noted in my first post my goal here is to ask the question.  Last night I kept thinking of questions over and over in my head but with some I just never got up the nerve to ask, and with others I didn’t think of until public comment period was over.  Here are my overall reactions to the meeting along with what questions or concerns I had: 1. Call to Order.

2. Pledge.

3. Statements of Conflict.

4. Items from the Public:

This was a good section in that many members of the public were present and spoke.  This is a sharp contrast to many occasions where there is very little public comment.  One of the best items I heard from was the Pop Program that is going to be taking place at the Hammon Senior Center.  The idea is a simple program for Dads to share their experiences and guidance.  I think it is a wonderful idea and I know how hard it can be from personal experience to be a new father looking for help.

Another item here that I loved was our local Librarian going over many of the programs for kids that our library offers as well as pointing out where the funding for such programs comes from - especially in a climate where certain political groups who have control of government at this time want to consistently defraud science and pull funding for arts and public social works.  It is a reminder that what happens on a large scale can still affect us locally.

5. Consent Calendar:

Okay, I am going to admit here that I don’t really understand what this item is.  Waive readings of what?  All city ordinances?  It looks like this is saying that procedurally they are waived the need to read all ordinances and resolutions.  Is that really a thing and if so, if this is always waived, then why does it exist at all?

6. Presentation/Action Items:

At this time there was public discussion about who should be selected for the vacant city council.  They selected the top 4 people to discuss from the applicants.  

When it came time to public comment, the only real excitement there was from Mr. Troy McComak, a former mayoral candidate.  Troy seemed a bit irate over multiple facts including that he had received 1/3rd of the vote in the last election and felt that it should have entitled him to the council seat.  On top of that he was not happy with the selection process and wanted a special election held.

I don’t know Troy over than seeing him at a couple meetings and what I read on his public record, but he seems to feel he was shafted in some way in this process.  I am not sure I agree with his take on this - I do think that maybe a special election would have been more democratic, but it also would have been highly costly with little turn out.  If we are honest and pragmatic about the situation, the selection process was probably the simplest path to take.

The only other interesting exchange in this was when Councilman Farinha made comment about one of the applicants, Mr. Larry Buehner, who did not take part in the interview.  The councilman seemed to imply that the applicant was not properly informed of the interview, as if on purpose, but then what made it more interested was when Mayor Novelli then attempted to silence Councilman Farinha on this topic stating that it was not the time to bring this forward to which Farinha replied with the fact that he had a right to speak at that time.  While I am not one to buy into conspiracy theories and remain a militant skeptic, I did find it odd that the Mayor didn’t seem to want to hear or have heard the Councilman’s comments on this matter.  

Now, I don’t know Mr. Buehner but I know what I have read and heard from others about the the man and I if what is written is true, which I believe at least some of it is, then I have no issue with not wanting him on the council.  Be that as it may, if someone like Mayor Novelli or any of the council or staff is actively working to keep him off the council in the dark, then that is a concern for the city and the public and does little to inspire trust in our city leaders.

Finally, after comment and discussion, the council chose Mr. Alfred Parham to take the oath and join the council.  I don’t know Al well, but I had recently met him at a political action committee meeting group and found him to be charming and wise, so hopefully we will be able to continue working with him and he will prove to be a voice for reason on the city council.

7. Presentation.

8. Public Hearings: 8.1

Okay, so here is where it gets interesting the questions start flowing in my head.  The first read and discussion started over a city ordinance (City Ordinance No. 797) pertaining to shopping cart abandonment.  The idea here is to inform shops when people report abandoned shopping carts around the city, giving them 24-hours to have them picked up, or else face a penalty unless the shop has either theft deterrent carts (electronic wheel locks) or a contract for cart retrieval from a 3rd party service.  The ordinance draft was written by the city attorney as well as the sheriff’s representative to try to solve the problem of abandoned shopping carts left around town.

My first question as someone that lives and drives around town a lot is to ask if this is even a problem?  Now, while I do travel a lot in town, I do not spend much time on the south side of town, which I am told from multiple sources in and after the meeting that yes, this is a problem in those areas.  Another small concern as someone that does not see this as an issue is simply that one member of the public made comment on it being an eyesore across from his property, which always makes me skeptical as to who drafted the ordinance and for whom’s benefit.  Is this an ordinance that is only a concern and crafted by wealthy property owners around town?

Once discussion opened on this topic Councilman McCord brought up the concern about the ordinance and what it was intended to do.  One part of the ordinance defines an “abandoned cart” as any cart that is removed from the business premises without prior authorization and then continues to prohibit the removal or possession of an abandoned cart and will give them a citation. This is clearly beyond the scope of what the ordinance is intended to do.  If the ordinance, as noted by the Sheriff’s office who helped draft this, is to hold businesses accountable for not retrieving carts and creating a safety hazard, then why are those people with carts being cited?  The way this is written faults those that are good samaritans and want to help return carts that have been dumped with a citation.  Now, I understand that this is not who they say they are targeting and I am aware that people should not be stealing carts, but this entire definition of “abandoned cart” and the point that those in possession will be cited is overstepping the bounds of what this ordinance does and is intended to do, if that stated intention is honest.  I do appreciate Councilman McCord bringing up this point and pushing for it, but there is another issue at play here.

The main issue that I have is that during the discussions which ranged from the wording topic above to issues with who gets cited and how to prove contracts, it comes out that the people writing the ordinance, the sheriff and attorney, never talked to or partnered with the major stores in town to go over this ordinance.  They never even reach out to them on them while drafting this.  That would never fly in the type of engineering that I do.  So many of the questions and concerns raised could already be solved by a local store, they could have some ideas about best practices for their property, or they could have important input as they are the ones that are claimed to be targeted by this ordinance.  If you don’t reach out and partner with those affected you could be wasting time, money, and reinventing the wheel on something that may not even be the correct course of action.  To me it shows a great failure on such a small issue - something that would have taken very little time or effort on the drafter’s part.  If this is how the council and staff treat a simple ordinance, it does make me question a lot.  It makes me assume that people want power to implement rules, but don’t want to actually talk to the public and work to implement the will of the people and businesses they claim to represent and lead.

This is the exact question that I should have asked last night.  I know it would have ruffled some feathers, but in the end, isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing?  Many people are too scared to ask such questions and even I, a person with a lot of stage and speaking experience, still get anxious a bit as well, but it needs to be done.  We need to push back.

8. Public Hearings: 8.2

The next items for discussion was a request from City Finance to place a lien on a property based on City Ordinances Nos. 174 and 243, and then opened the floor to public comment.  While this is all fine and dandy, there was little information given and as a member of the public I was unaware what these ordinances were for or what/where this lien was for.  It makes me question what the point of this public comment period was for.  To the defense of the city though, I learned there is a more complete packet available online that they do not print out.  This complete packet has more information then the summary packet that they do provide.  This is something that I will be paying more attention to in the future.

9. Public Comment/Action Item.

Complete packet: http://pattersonca.iqm2.com/Citizens/FileOpen.aspx?Type=1&ID=1099&Inline=True

In the end - we all need, myself included, to remain vigilant and keep ourselves and our community informed.  As noted above, I don’t know if many people know of the complete packet as opposed to the summary agenda.  I should make it a point to outreach this information to people beforehand to each meeting along with my own summary notes to be better prepared to ask the necessary and important questions that often times no one from the public or from the council seem willing or able to ask.

This is the first entry into my local Patterson City Council diary.

[eriisaam]

I feel like I bottled up so much about my summoner OCs for a long time. Just recently, I had a “final straw to break the camel’s back” feeling, and I’m just... not sure anymore if I should feel I’m being fair about my feelings and anger or not. I feel like at the very least, this will help me clear some air to maybe move on and re-focus while recovering from other things, but I’m also really sorry to the people following me to dump this out of the blue too. You’ve all been incredibly patient and amazing with me, so whenever I get to the point I need to vent, I feel somewhat guilty of it.

But I’m also incredibly hurt and angry in ways I also don’t feel like I’m fully justified or not in them, for a lot of things well beyond the scope of what is currently setting me off... Maybe it’s best I unbottle it even if only for the sake of clearing the air. 

And then after this, hopefully we can move back to regular light-hearted posts and shitpost art... I’m sorry.

For anyone whose seen me play Fire Emblem Heroes, or even played with me otherwise via friend codes, you know that I go by the handle “my butt” (as for why, Takumi is all too happy to share), and the summoner I send out is Eclair. He’s the only one of the OCs I felt was best able to be represented in-game out of the current summoners selection, so he’s been the one out of the six whose remained ever-present with his dumb little quote and eventually his dumb little gifts to go with. Nobody else in my friend group previously had a summoner named “Eclair” (not to be confused with Eclat), and it’s understandably not a very common name. 

So it came as a surprise to me when one of the FEH friends I had for a very long time, recently changed their summoner (I believe from “Kiran” originally, and with the guy with the brushed-over brown hair) into this:

Any other day, this might’ve been funny, if in poor taste. Maybe I would’ve laughed at it and moved on if I was in a better frame of mind and just ignored it.

But lately, as many of you saw in my past few notes, or even privately, I hadn’t been doing well. I had a lot of frustrations online and off. I’ve been incredibly ill to the point of collapsing a lot, I have a backlog of attempts to work on writing and art that wound up crashing to a halt because of it, in ways that left me even more upset and manic, and pretty much for a long time now, I have felt like I was in constant hell that I tried very hard not to bring up often in public, even when I’ve reached my breaking point multiple times in rapid succession under various circumstances, and I was to a point that a single pin-drop would’ve made me go nuclear.

It wasn’t funny, I didn’t take it well, and I ended up removing them after debating long and hard if I was overreacting to do it or not. And even now, I’m not sure if it was as bad as I make it seem exactly because of how they couldn’t have picked a worse time to try to have a go at me through Eclair.  

And the more I think about it, the more I feel bad that this had been the final straw to a lot of old feelings I’ve had stewing and trying and failing to clear in private, a lot of which were things I didn’t bring up that’s been upsetting me about my summoners for a long time, because I didn’t think ranting about it every single time in the moment was fair, and I feel guilty every time it’s come toit. But seeing this, having all those feelings drum up again, now I wonder if I bottled it up too long, to the point of it being on the opposite extreme and being incredibly unhealthy for me, too.

For a long time, I used the summoner OCs I made for various reasons. Some of them tested waters for like-ideas I wanted to try in some capacity on other works, but wasn’t sure about. (For those who read my other longfics, some of it are a little more obvious than others of the overlap.) Other times, and was one of the biggest pressing things about them, is that I use a lot of them as coping mechanisms. Some of them explored traumas I really did endure, albeit of course theirs might be more extreme, or the same in spirit, or represented or experienced things I myself am still processing. They’re also why I tend to work on them heavily in lulls when I couldn’t properly focus on stuff I otherwise wanted or needed to work on more, or as practice when I needed to figure out how to grasp things in plots or art otherwise, which is why they’re so prevalent on my works so often. 

It’s also why I kept apologizing in realizing that they take over so much, but at the same time, working on them helped better frame things or prepare me for how to continue on other projects I was previously stuck on. They were important to me, and maybe, I got a bit too attached, but without them, I think my productivity and quality in it would be significantly worse if the summoner OCs hadn’t picked me up and carried me through how to figure things out better.

They’ve also, unfortunately, had been the subject of a lot of negativity I’ve sat through and stomached for a good part of the entire pandemic year, and even to this day in this year. I’ve made lore docs for them that got vandalized and littered with comments telling me to “try again” or how wrong I did or how wrong about my ships or shipkids are to come about as they had, to the point that I now deleted them because looking at even my private copy of it drums up the same negative memories and sends me into a panic of whether or not I’ll open it up and see it mass crossed out and littered with even more comments of how terrible and wrong it all is again. It was also partially why I lost heart working on old sketched concepts I initially planned to fully realize, only to drop what I have and post them to share, but would rather redo them (sketch and all) instead of work on them: They are littered with a lot of memories too painful to work on them directly.

I’ve had needlessly hostile messages, telling me off for certain ship combinations, or my OCs being misconstrued into horrible ways and based on their assumptions of what they think my OCs are like, assume the worse of them and me and harass me across multiple messages in my inbox over it. This had even boiled down to harassing me over my design choices of certain OCs, maybe not coincidentally my two female ones, or ones who are short and petite in build compared to their far more larger counterparts, despite every summoner and support all being adults. I’ve had people decide for me they knew the ages of my “minor” OCs better than I do. Despite me being the one who created them.

I’ve had people make not-as-vague-as-they-think-they’re-being comments, shitting on my ideas on the core concept, simply because they’re rooted to either a fandom that’s very subtle and low-key now, a game that seems popular-to-the-point-of-being-a-meme to shit on simply to shit on it and everyone who likes it, and had constantly been made to feel like various ideas other people are ok doing are bad when I do it, solely because I’m doing them. 

They have been through a lot. I’ve been through a lot with them. They still exist because certain people I was very close with, among which Saam had been my rock and pillar through and through, refused to let me give in to the many, many times I found myself in such a dark place and in a really shitty mindset, that I would’ve stopped creating in totality, whether or not it’s related to kiransonas. 

And even now, even when I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and move past that, there’s still little hints here and there of the damage that’s done that I still haven’t fully gotten over yet to try again. Or I’ve been trying in baby steps, and not in the best ways I wish I could yet.

I don’t draw Erin, Ephrel and Sparrow quite as often anymore, despite wanting to try them again. Ephrel’s and Sparrow’s circle in particular, I felt insecure trying to work on anything to do with them as often, especially if it’s related to Chrom that’s not just with him and Robin. I hesitated to do anything with Sparrow’s and Ephrel’s Robin either, despite having many ideas of what more to share of him. I stopped doing plushies, or being open about plushies anymore, due to still overcoming the feelings fostered from what I’ve been made to feel was bad about them and how I did them. Plush designs and sprite designs I wanted to do as open source were put on hold because I felt more closed off and hesitant to be too open in fandom spaces as much anymore. The Scars of Time, I’ve also hesitated to continue most of all out of my current longfics, because even when it’s been the fic that had the most progress in its latest chapter over the course of the pandemic shoving a wedge across all my longfics, the core elements to it were elements deeply rooted to a lot of the above ill feelings whether directly or by extension of what kiransonas already bore through themselves that hit similar beats. Were it not for incredibly kind commenters who still encouraged me and clearly hoped for other longfics to continue, there have been many, many times I was debating on deleting everything and giving up in totality, but held on because of all of them, and all of you, and people like Saam. 

There’s a lot of things I still had to work through, and it shows.

So I see this dig at Eclair, and I’m torn anymore.

Maybe it was meant to be a harmless joke, and I still have second-guesses that I overreacted and jumped the gun to kick them out of my friend lists over something like this.

But as with how long and scattered my thoughts are in a post like this... It’s been a long time. It’s been a lot of really harsh, unfortunate, hurtful things leading up to this. I see this, and it’s like everything that I listed all came full circle all at once, and it painted all of this in a far worse light than it probably was, but unsurfaced a lot of things that, on top of being sick constantly and stressed out with other major fears, I think I finally cracked.

I don’t know what point I was trying to make of this, and I’m sorry too for all of you having to post this. 

I’m just... tired and confused anymore of if this is fair or when I’m overstepping and overreacting anymore. Or where to go from here.