#the movie anyway I haven’t read about the siege yet

[bumblingbriars]

Treebeard when he saw Pippin and Merry hotboxing the Isengard pantry

[washymylifeaway]

SunaOsa fanfic recs,,, well writer recs LOL

HI! Can you tell I’m excited? Well I’m very excited! I have been stuck in SunaOsa hell for the longest time and I enjoy it very much down here :D Come join me, you won’t regret it LOL. But seriously, I love SunaOsa and I meant to do fics, but then the sheer number of writers I had compelled me to make a post for them ahahah.... I’m here to finally prove to everyone that I am actually in love with SunaOsa and that I have not been lying to you all LOL (ik no one actually cares, but it’s an important matter to me). LEGGO!

As always, pls check WARNINGS, TAGS, and SUMMARIES for fics before reading and make sure you’re taking care of yourselves (since mental health is key!) Stay healthy loves <3

Each author is DIRECTLY linked to their SunaOsa works LOL. I actually didn’t think about this until now, and I didn’t know it’d work but here we are LOL. Whooooh internet :D Also, ignore that some of these writers have like less than 3 fics for SunaOsa,,,,,, I like their writing, okay? :’))))

I’m gonna preface this with I love all of these writers (if I didn’t, they wouldn’t be here) but I can only come up with so many ways to say I WOULD DIE FOR THIS WRITER and THEY WRITE BEAUTIFULLY so to save you from recursion, preface.

LINK TO MY SUNAOSA ML :D

DeathBelle // one I haven’t recommended and this one also got finished semi-recently, An Inconvenient Espionage by DeathBelle (E) 26.6k // a SPY AU! Where Osamu and Atsumu are separated due to necessity over anything else really, and both absolutely hate their partners :) I love their interactions as the fic progresses and how do you accidentally fck somebody? READ TAGS AND WARNINGS, SMUT!

tookumade // because I really can’t rerecommend the same mf fic for the 2384230 time (and cause this one deserves some love), colours in the dark by tookumade (G) 1.3k // an injury recovery fic :D The focus on the fic is on the recovery and the relationship more than anything, but I just love it so much! This is such a comfort fic, and I love their back and forth banter (but it’ll make you feel really single LOL).

rosegoldwriting // sjdkhjdslhf I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVEN’T RECOMMENDED THIS ONE ANYWHERE WHAT come on with the rain by rosegoldwriting (T) 6.5k // SOULMATE AUUUU! I love my soulmate AUs and this was no exception :D Also I love singing in the rain (it’s been a while since I’ve seen it, but ik it’s a great movie), and ngl I agreed with Suna,,,, kissing in the rain just feels like it’ll be wet... Regardless, I love the ending and I love this fic too so :) (also ryan gosling cameo LOL)

bastigod // A COLLECTION OF FICS cause I love them and I haven’t recommended this yet :0, i've got you in the end i wish i had you from the start by bastigod (T) 8.2k // this is a collection of 7 one shots for sunaosa week! I loved the prompts for that week, and I loved each and every single fic on this list :D They’re all so freaking good and my favorite chapter was ch 3 hands down ljdfadjsf it’s GREAT :D

pancake_surprise // CAUSE CHOCOLATE and honestly the dove wrappers are say some stupid things sometimes like who’s writing these LMFAO, Melt with You by pancake_surprise (G) 2.8k // Osamu is doing what any sane person does with dove chocolate advice, he follows it. Not that it has any good advice, but I mean ig it worked? Trust the process? Anyway, I agreed with Atsumu in this (LOL) but hey it ended cute and I think that’s all that matters :’)

badreputation // OKAY THERE’S ONLY TWO BUT I LOVE BOTH WHAT YOU GONNA DO? FIGHT ME?????? (pls don’t, I’ll lose) Take a hint by badreputation (T) 5.4k // UGH I LOVE THIS ONE! One of the first SunaOsa fics I read and one I keep rereading! I absolutely agree with the fact that Osamu is a Neanderthal and I love food as a love language (feeding me would make me swoon over you, however, if you WERE flirting with me, I would not know LMFAO).

minie_ai // again, only two but like I said what you gonna do about it >:( And I'll Feed You Again by minie_ai (G) 7.3k // MYTHOLOGY cause Suna is a cute fox who causes problems LOL. Also, I love the setting it’s in (ik random, but I wanted to put it out there :D). And SPAM NUMBER made me laugh (maybe my humor is a little too broken) but idk I just thought it was really funny akjshflkjasd.

miyarinnnn // PLEASE not everyone clowning them,,,, someone smack off the stupid grin I have on from reading it :)))) Call it passive or aggressive by miyarinnnn (T) 10.4k // OMG this fic was so much fun to read!!!! I loved how there was the Osamu + Omi bonding moment and the BONUS AT THE END AOSFJOIAS,,,,, There’s like a slight smut scene, but other than that, Osamu is the sappiest man ever. Yeah, it was really funny and cute and I had a great time reading it :D

sketchedsmiles // honestly, I have no words because I was like no way this would happen, but then the a/n and yea anyway double vision by sketchedsmiles (T) 18.3k // I do wanna know how this worked irl, but that’s beside the point LOL. This is why communication is key, but I mean ig I can’t really blame Suna LMFAO. The situations are just tailored so well to misunderstandings and every time is a near miss :’))))). But also shout out to beer pong king Osamu LOL.

sieges // parallax if you want some hanahaki, the art of keeping up by sieges (T) 12.3k // I actually did watch this movie (though you don’t need to in order to read this LOL) and I was really surprised cause I didn’t think anyone would’ve made a fic based on it! Honestly, I don’t think I would ever be able to agree to help my crush write a love letter to their crush, so props to Suna (lol maybe I’m just lame like that okay?) :’D

sifuhotman // even if you don’t wanna read it, go look at the photo at the very end, Paint by Numbers by sifuhotman (T) 5.3k // jealous Osamu because Suna stares at Atsumu LOL. BUT the discount combee comment make me cackle because I CAN SEE IT AJFKAFFJSA (esp with the picture provided, it’s been burned onto my brain). I like this fic because it has some cute twin moments and I love their relationship! (BUT THE COMBEE AFIOJOD.)

SilverMoonT // I love his cat, atypical confession by SilverMoonT (G) 15.5k // I’ve said this before, but I’m not a big fan of body switching fics. HOWEVER, I am a big fan of this,,, say what you want idc idc it’s a good fic. I love the Suna Akaashi best friend agenda in this, and I fully support it :D

spiritscript // I almost sent you all to angst town ahahah,,, maybe I should LOL,,,, two drinks by spiritscript (T) 4k // I saw the instagram post and then OF COURSE I had to come read the fic itself! And like the panic ordering is hilarious as well as the misunderstandings LOL. It’s a wild ride with a lotta coffee Suna doesn’t like LOL. BUT THE ENDING IS CUTE and no kiss kiss cause consent is important :)

lunarins // YES I LOVE THIS ONE JKASJD you taste like strawberries on a summer evening by lunarins (T) 4.4k // I LOVE THIS ONE! I adore all the character cameos that happen (POOR SHIRABU) and THE ENDING AJHFKSJA. I love the ending. Also the food explanation by the writer was really cute and creative!!! (and I love how Osamu tells us what love taste like JADSJK!)

unrequitedangst // 3 fics but I love them all, working backwards till it rhymes by unrequitedangst (T) 4.2k // I love this fic, like loveeee. The plot is funny (I love pushing in the right direction to figure things out) and the way they plot against Atsumu is hilarious. Like gotta make sure that this makes him angry, yes.

sunablinks // there’s also only 3 fics so you should read all three :D, Cherry Bomb by sunablinks (T) 5.4k // CHECK TAGS AND WARNINGS cause they drink a lotta alcohol! But this fic is just Osamu being a mess and everyone makes some very bad decisions. Also, poor Meian san having to dead with their poor decision making skills LOL.

Surprisingly enough this didn’t take that long...... Like I think this is the fastest I’ve ever made a list,,,, Anyways, revelations aside, I had a lotta fun making this list cause like I’ve been saying, I’m in love with SunaOsa. They also definitely have some of the MOST tooth rotting fics I’ve ever read before (physical pain because of the fluff), so if you’re into that, you don’t have to look too far :)

Also sorry for not being super active in terms of new content, but this might continue through next week cause I’m getting busier :( Hopefully not though!

[goldenraeofsun]

in my defense, I have none

A redo of the first installment of this verse!

Castiel scrawls his name on a nametag and offers Becky at the makeshift welcome desk a hesitant smile.

She beams back. “Hope you enjoy the reunion!”

Castiel strides down the familiar halls of Edlund High School and does his best not to regress to his teenage self, dodging glances and hunching his shoulders to make himself smaller. It’s been ten goddamn years; he has changed. 

He passes a couple of his old classmates - he doesn’t recognize them - pointing at a poster with old pictures, excitedly naming names.

“Look at Dean Winchester, oh my god, I haven’t thought about him in years! I had the worst crush on him, you know?”

Her companion snorts. “You and everyone else.”

Castiel snorts. Everyone else, indeed.

He walks deliberately on, following the music to the gym. The bass thumps in a vaguely-familiar rhythm, but Castiel can't name the song or singer for the life of him. In high school, he didn’t listen to much contemporary music. His mother preferred the classical stations at home, and Dean, of course, only played his version of the classics in his car.

“Music stopped being good after the mid-80s,” Dean said as they drove down the dark highway, no headlights, only them. “Don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.”

Castiel doesn’t remember what he said in return, but he remembers the way Dean laughed, how his eyes crinkled, how he tapped his fingers along the steering wheel, how he looked, looking back at Cas.

Castiel steps into the reunion. The gym has been festooned with what looks like old prom decorations. Streamers hang off the walls in Edlund’s school colors, and bunches of mostly-inflated balloons are taped along the collapsed bleachers spelling out their graduating year. A slideshow of old yearbook photos flashes against the far wall of the gym.

Castiel stares out at a room full of strangers.

Inwardly, he sighs. He was hardly a social butterfly in high school. The exact opposite, actually. He can’t name a single person - except one - that would be able to put a name to his face. 

“Clarence!”

Make that two. 

Castiel spins around at the familiar voice. “Meg?”

He should have known. But if Castiel has learned anything over the past few years, it’s Meg Masters defies all expectations. He’d been surprised enough when she marched right up to him at his old school - Morning Star Academy - and asked him out to lunch.

After listening to him awkwardly explain that he was gay, Meg rolled her eyes and told him she just wanted to catch up. They had gone to the same high school, she said.

She didn’t seem very bothered when he said he didn’t remember her. All she did was make him pay for that first lunch, and that was the extent of his punishment for forgetting. 

When Castiel took his current job at Carver Preparatory in their hometown school district, they started meeting up for drinks instead of lunch.

Meg smirks. “I didn’t think you were going to this little shindig.”

“It didn’t come up,” Castiel says distractedly as he scans the gym.

“Yet here you are, skulking the old hallways.”

“I didn’t skulk.” Castiel turns to her, offended.

“Unlike some people, my memory of high school is impeccable,” Meg says loftily, “You skulked in that coat with all those books in front of your face. I was always surprised you didn’t mow down more unsuspecting freshmen.”

“I -” Castiel breaks off, unable to deny any of her accusations. It’s true he wore his old trenchcoat nearly every day (in his more poetic moments, he saw it as a foil to Dean’s everpresent leather jacket) and he tried to shut everyone out by reading while walking from class to class.

“Don’t worry about it,” Meg says with an easy pat to his shoulder. “Teenagers are the worst. I thought I was so cool back then, with the boots and the bleached hair.” She shudders at the memory.

“I’m sure you were very cool,” Castiel says diplomatically.

Meg snorts. “You bet your ass I was not cool.” She tips her head over to where a group of well-dressed alums stand below the basketball hoops. “They were cool. And now look at them.” She sighs. “I would still set their extensions on fire if I could. Oh well, some things never change. Look at Victor. Talk about aging like fine wine.”

Castiel vaguely recognizes some of them from the poster outside the gym. But for the life of him, he can’t identify which one is Victor.

Meg smiles at his clueless expression. “You seriously didn’t pay attention to anything but your books?”

“I - ” Castiel breaks off, the faintest twinges of embarrassment curling in his gut. He paid attention to exactly one thing outside of his studies in high school.

Meg eyes him critically. “You’re usually chattier than this. I think you need a drink.” She steers him towards the makeshift bar on a folding table.

With newly acquired drinks, they retreat to the far end of the gym. Meg makes a game out of forcing Cas to try to name people from their class.

“I want to say, Jeremy?” Castiel guesses as Meg not-so-subtly points out a man at the end of the drinks line.

“Close,” Meg says with a smirk. “That’s Gordon Walker. He was captain of the football team.” She subtly points to a very pretty woman scrolling through her phone near Gordon.

“She looks like a Mina to me,” Castiel says critically.

Meg throws him an incredulous look. “How did nobody know you were gay in high school?”

“I’m guessing her name isn’t Mina.”

“Bela Talbot,” Meg corrects. “You don’t remember her English accent? Pretentious as fuck. Just like Principal Crowley - not that you have to deal with him any more, since you’re over at Carver, you lucky bastard.”

Crowley was one of the main reasons Castiel left Morning Star. In tightening the budget, he cracked down on students’ late lunch bills among other unacceptable measures. Crowley was not pleased when he found out Castiel regularly squirrelled away peanut butter and a loaf of bread in his desk for emergencies. 

Castiel tried to explain it was for his lunch emergencies, but Crowley wasn’t hearing any of it. Castiel was fired, and, after a harrowing year of substitute teaching, he used his family connection to get his current job at Carver Preparatory. 

“Eliot,” Castiel tries next.

“There isn’t a single Eliot in our class,” Meg says, laughing. “How can you not remember Lee Webb? He wore that stupid cowboy hat all sophomore year.”

It continues. The only person Castiel gets right is Tessa, and that’s because they had gone to the same church.

“You have to remember him,” Meg says as waves over a newcomer entering the gym.

Castiel’s mouth goes dry. Yes, he does recognize Dean Winchester. How could he forget?

Castiel might have been a friendless loner in high school with only his books for company, but he wasn’t dead. He knew who Dean Winchester was, with his leather jacket, muscle car, and stunning green eyes that would make a romantic portrait artist weep.

Castiel can recall with perfect clarity the moment he found out he’d been assigned to tutor Dean in Latin in the beginning of their senior year. A mixture of elation and dread filled his stomach before Ms. Siege had even finished speaking. He’d get to see Dean. He’d have to spend time, probably alone, with Dean Winchester. And, most terrifyingly, he’d have to open his mouth and actually say words in front of him.

When Castiel looks at Dean for the first time in ten years, he doesn’t think about when Dean would do his damndest to distract Castiel from tutoring and tease him to lighten up. Instead, Castiel remembers Dean’s flushed cheeks and grasping fingers the first time Cas made him come, and the way the Impala’s windows had fogged up, just like in the movies.

* * *

Castiel can tell the exact moment Dean spots him because he nearly trips over his feet.

“I - I need to go,” Castiel says to Meg, sheer panic flooding his veins.

“What?” she asks. “Already?”

“Bathroom,” Castiel blurts before he can think of a better excuse.

“That time of the month?” Meg asks with a faux-sympathetic frown.

Castiel doesn’t bother dignifying her question with an answer. Instead, he spins on his heel and makes for the second gym exit, the one that leads to the locker rooms instead of the rest of the school.

He breathes deep as the door closes behind him. Shivering from nerves with the close call, he takes a moment to get his bearings. Are his legs shaking?

At one of the sinks in the boy’s bathroom, he turns on the tap and pats his heated face down with a damp paper towel.

He’s such a mess, and he hasn’t even spoken to Dean yet.

What a goddamn joke. He hasn’t changed in a decade. Still running away from Dean like a coward.

Castiel has been - well, he wouldn’t say looking forward to this reunion - but he’s been mentally gearing himself up for it. Castiel promised himself, ever since he heard Dean took a teaching position at their old high school, to go to their next reunion and formally apologize.

He splashes more water on his face, grimacing as dark spots dot his tie. Somehow it’s already gotten turned around. Castiel halfheartedly fiddles with it, trying to get it to lie straight.

The door opens behind him. Castiel freezes, but it’s not Dean.

The stranger shoots him a weird look before slipping into one of the stalls.

The man’s belt unbuckles, and Castiel inwardly sighs. He can’t hide in here forever. He leaves just as the sounds of a clearly painful bowel movement start up behind him. 

Right outside the gym, he steels himself. He owes this to Dean; the worst Dean can do is make a scene, and it’s not like Castiel has any plans to ever set foot in Edlund High again, anyway. He teaches at their rival school, after all.

He’s here for Dean. He can do this and go home.

Back inside, he spots Meg without difficulty. She’s alone and tapping away on her phone.

Castiel approaches her, already bracing for a wave of uncomfortable questions. “Hello, Meg.”

“Hey,” Meg says distractedly. She squints up at him. “What was with the Houdini act?”

Castiel shifts his weight to the other foot. “Where did Dean go?”

Meg jerks her head to where their ‘popular’ classmates congregate, now with one added Dean Winchester. “Why do you care?”

“I don’t.”

Meg places both hands on her hips. “I think you forget that as a fellow educator, I have a stellar bullshit radar.”

“It’s personal.”

“Come on, Clarence,” Meg says, the faintest note of pleading in her voice, “This reunion is boring as hell. Nobody’s gone into porn or killed anyone since we graduated. I’ve been robbed. You have to tell me, what did Dean Winchester do to you way back when?” Her eyebrows raise as she takes in his conflicted expression. “Or should I say, what did you do to him?”

Castiel sighs. He frowns at the floor. “In senior year we were… involved.”

“Involved how?” Meg asks, her eyes gleaming. “Don’t tell me he broke your heart.”

Castiel slowly shakes his head. “The other way around.”

“Holy shit,” Meg breathes, her eyes as round as the balloons festooning the walls. She sneaks a peek over at Dean, still standing with his group of old school friends. “You’re serious.”

“I never pegged you as a gossip, Meg,” Castiel says dispassionately.

“Call me desperate,” Meg says, waving his criticism away with an idle hand. “It’s either ten-year-old gossip or watch that fucking slideshow for the fifth time in a row. If you have anything else you’d rather talk about, I’m all ears.”

Castiel jumps at the opening. “I have been wondering,” he starts, “how other schools have been integrating the state board’s recommen-”

Meg interrupts him loudly, “Anything except work.” 

Castiel snaps his mouth shut with a glare.

“Come on,” Meg wheedles, “You got the class loner act locked down, but it’s not like I particularly want to see any of these people ever again.” She gestures around the gym.

“Then why come at all?” Castiel asks, honestly baffled.

Meg smirks. “Did you not hear my comment about the porn and murder?”

“If anyone did, I hardly think they’d advertise it at their class reunion.”

“Can’t blame a girl for trying.” She shoots him a pointed look. “But we’re getting off topic. You and Dean Winchester. Spill, Novak.”

Castiel sighs. “I was assigned to tutor him in Latin at the beginning of senior year.”

“Ohh,” Meg croons, “Somebody got hot for teacher?”

Castiel grimaces at the crude reduction of Dean’s feelings. “You could say that,” he says cagily.

Meg turns to look out across the gym, her dark eyes zeroing in on Dean. “I imagine your little heart wasn’t made of stone either.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

Meg claps her hands delightedly. “What happened?”

“I ended things,” Castiel says hollowly. “We were about to graduate, and I had plans to go to college.”

“And he did not,” Meg surmises.

Castiel shakes his head. “He was considering community college.”

To set a good example for Sam, Dean had said. He didn’t particularly care for higher education one way or another, not like Castiel, who saw college as his one way out of their hometown, out of his family, out of everything he hated about his first 18 years of life.

But somehow Dean wound up getting his degree anyway - he must have, or he wouldn’t be teaching English at their old high school.

Castiel has so many questions, but the likelihood of getting answers from Dean dwindles smaller and smaller the longer he puts off doing the very thing he came here to do.

When Dean breaks off from the group to grab another drink, Castiel seizes his chance.

Meg lets him go with a half-mocking, half-supportive, “Go get ��im, champ!”

Castiel flips up his middle finger over his shoulder as he takes off after Dean.

He shoves his tingling hands in his pockets, finds walking with his hands in his pockets awkward and removes them, and somehow doesn't bolt in the opposite direction. By the time he catches up to Dean, it’s hard to think through his cloud of anxiety.

He just needs to tell Dean he is sorry; Dean was right; Castiel should never have ended things between them like he did.

Dean always did like being right - that can’t have changed much over the past ten years.

Castiel waits for Dean to see him, staring hard at the side of Dean’s head until he’s noticed.

Dean’s eyes go round, and he almost drops his cup of beer. “Christ,” he says, staggering off to the side of the bar table. “Someone should put a bell on you.”

“My apologies,” Castiel says gruffly.

This is not how he would have liked to start his first conversation with Dean Winchester in ten years. Not that Castiel had expected much better - if he learned anything from their tutoring sessions and later hookups, Dean always had at least one surprise up his sleeve.

Dean inhales a deep breath. “Hey, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.”

* * * 

Castiel swallows nervously. All that preparation at home and in the bathroom, and not a single word comes to mind.

“How, uh, how’ve you been?” Dean asks first. He takes a quick sip of his beer.

“I’ve been well,” Castiel says stiffly. “And you?”

“Can’t complain.”

The conversation is almost unbearably awkward, even for him. How in the world did Castiel get stuck making smalltalk with Dean Winchester? So much for best laid plans. 

 “I heard you teach here now,” Castiel says.

“I do,” Dean says, his eyes wandering around the gym. “English. Started this year. You?”

“Latin and French at Carver Preparatory.”

Dean’s eyebrows rise. “No shit,” he says, a bitter note to his voice. “You’re teaching those elitist assholes?”

Castiel blinks. True, he didn’t expect Dean to exactly welcome him after everything, but the deliberate antagonism is a surprise. “I wouldn’t - they’re not all assholes,” he stutters. He can’t bring himself to deny the elitism. He’s loyal, not blind.

“Hm,” Dean grunts, not giving an inch. “I hope you’re not here to sabotage anything.”

“Between Carver and Edlund?” Cas asks, baffled. “This is high school, not Soviet Russia.”

Dean tips back his beer and takes a large gulp. “Tell that to the seniors who got sued over a prank.”

“They stole five hundred dollars’ worth of Carver uniforms,” Castiel says incredulously, “for an internet fad.”

Dean’s mouth twitches. “I think you mean a meme. And it was hilarious.”

“A what?”

Dean snorts. “Never mind.” His expression closes off again. “And the seniors only borrowed them. All the uniforms were returned - no harm, no foul.”

Castiel has to put a sincere effort into not letting his disgust show on his face. The whole fiasco did not endear Castiel to anyone at Carver who called for the legal case. Even if they did not make up the majority of the faculty or parents, they had the numbers (and the money) to push it farther than it should have gone.

“The parents who paid for those uniforms definitely didn’t see it that way,” Castiel says to Dean.

“Sucks to be them,” Dean smirks, “If their biggest worry is leftover sweat from an Edlunder, better not tell them how bowling shoes or vintage clothing works.”

From Castiel’s parent-teacher conferences, he’d be surprised if any Carver parent had ever stepped foot in a bowling alley. He’s positive the Naomis and Bartholomews that make up the PTA would sooner give up their second homes than voluntarily wear a pair of bowling shoes.

Dean tosses back his drink. “Anyway, it’s not like they can’t afford to get the douchey uniforms dry cleaned.”

“I didn’t say they were right,” Castiel says carefully, “In fact, I think Carver’s reaction was completely overblown, but you probably don’t want to hear about our administration politics behind the decision.”

“Nope,” Dean says, lips popping.

After a beat, Castiel asks, “How do you like teaching here?”

“Can’t complain,” Dean says as he eyes the dregs of his beer. “Bobby - Principal Singer - retired last year, but he put in a good word for me with Principal Mills.”

“I’ve heard good things about her ideas for Edlund.”

“She’s all about finally bringing us into the digital age. She’s been talking with Charlie - do you remember her?” Dean explains, “She was in our history class junior and senior year.”

The name rings no bells for Castiel. He shakes his head.

“Really?” Dean pauses. “Red hair? Queen of the Nerds?”

Castiel gives another headshake, eyes narrowing.

Dean tries again, “You gotta remember her novelty tee shirts.”

Castiel says dryly, “I think you’re vastly overestimating how much attention I paid to our classmates.”

“But-”

“Dean,” Castiel says impatiently, “You are the only person I remember from high school.”

Dean balks for a moment, his cheeks flushing. “No way,” he says flatly. “You can’t seriously - I saw you talking to Meg Masters a while ago.”

Castiel eyes the mostly-depleted drink in Dean’s hands enviously. He doesn’t have enough alcohol to discuss his social deficiencies as an adult - or as a teenager. “We worked together briefly,” he admits, “at Morning Star.”

Dean whistles. “Well, I guess Carver is a step up from that.”

“Indeed,” Castiel agrees wryly. “I was only there a year. The administration at Carver is a nightmare, but at least they’re not sadists.”

“I haven’t heard great stuff about Morning Star,” Dean admits.

“There isn’t much good that goes on in that school,” Castiel says wearily. “Principal Crowley - well, the less said about him the better. Meg hates him. The students, though,” he swallows, “they deserve better.”

Dean’s expression hardens. “They always do.”

“Anyway,” Castiel says quickly because going down that road always makes him want to smite something - preferably Crowley’s smirking face, “I didn’t remember Meg either until she told me we went to school together.”

Dean lets out a surprised laugh. “I guess you always did have your nose in a book.” He makes a face and gestures around the gym. “Then why come to this snoozefest? The whole point is to catch up with old friends.”

“According to Meg, the point is to discover who went into pornography or to prison over the past ten years.”

Dean chuckles. “You can mark me down for ‘no’ on both counts.”

“I - I had thought so,” Castiel says awkwardly.

“Oh, so…” Dean drifts off, for once at a loss for words.

As the silence ticks on, Castiel’s reason for coming to the reunion crowds at the tip of his tongue. But he can’t make the words come out.

Dean drains his beer. He lets his gaze drift away from Castiel, lingering on someone or something over Castiel’s left shoulder. “Well, it was nice seeing you, Cas, I’ll see you ar-”

“I came here to apologize to you,” Castiel blurts.

Dean’s eyes snap to Castiel’s face. “What?”

Castiel swallows nervously. “For high school.”

“Okay,” Dean crosses his arms across his chest. “A lot of things happened in high school. Specifics would help.”

Castiel inhales a deep breath. “I’m sorry for how I handled our… relationship.”

Dean’s mouth twists, his expression darkening. “I wouldn’t call what we did a relationship.”

“Right,” Castiel says, biting his lip. “Our arrangement, then. What I did - what I did to you - it’s one of the biggest regrets of my life.”

Dean purses his lips. “What would’ve you done differently?”

“Excuse me?”

“Humor me,” Dean asks, and it doesn't sound like a suggestion. “If you could go back. Get a do-over. What would you do?” His eyes narrow. “Would you have come out? Or maybe stopped me before we got down and dirty in the Impala in the first place? ‘Cause I’ve played this game a few times, and I know which one I would’ve gone for.”

Castiel thinks it over. “Rationally,” he says,slowly, sounding the word out as he tries to put the rest of his thoughts into words, “I should have kept our interactions to our tutoring sessions.”

Dean’s jaw clenches. He nods.

Castiel can’t tell if his explanation is hurting Dean further. He feels like he’s been dumped out at sea while only knowing how to doggy paddle. Mouth dry, he barrels on, “But realistically, there’s no way that could have happened, so I probably should have asked you to wait for me.”

Dean blinks in surprise, his hardened exterior cracking the tiniest fraction. “Wait?” he echoes faintly.

“I couldn’t come out in high school,” Castiel says dully. What he wouldn’t give for another drink. “If my mother got wind of my sexuality, she would have put conditions on my college tuition without another thought, or forced me to take a gap year to do churchwork or something equally horrendous.”

Dean’s tense shoulders sag. “I didn’t know that.”

“I was ashamed,” Castiel drops his gaze to the floor, “You clearly loved your family, and your father… well, even with his flaws, he seemed to accept you. My situation was nothing like that.”

“Dad didn’t know about me either,” Dean mutters. 

“Sorry?” Castiel asks, raising his head.

“Dad didn’t know I went for dudes and chicks,” Dean explains. “But he was hardly around, so if I didn’t tell him and Sammy didn’t tell him, odds were he’d never find out.” He bites his lip as he meets Castiel’s stare head-on. “How long?”

“How long?” Castiel repeats, confused.

“How long would you have asked me to wait?” Dean asks, a hard edge to his words.

Castiel hesitates, wrong-footed at their backtracking conversation. “Until I had started my first semester at college.”

Dean’s mouth falls open. “What?”

Castiel frowns. “I had no plans to be in the closet after I moved away. My mother has too many connections here, with the junior league, the civics board, HOA, and who knows what else. But in my college town, she knew no one. I could finally be myself.”

Dean splutters nonsensically before he says, “You didn’t think to ask me to wait one measly summer for you to get your head out of your ass?”

“But I wasn’t just asking for ‘one summer’,” Castiel protests.

Dean’s outrage falters at Castiel’s air quotes.

“It would have been one summer and four years of long distance. I knew you had… feelings,” Castiel doesn’t pause at Dean’s wince at the word, “for me, but I had already taken so much from you. Are you saying you would have waited?”

“I don’t know!” Dean says, sounding slightly manic. He runs a hand through his hair distractedly, muttering to himself under his breath. 

Castiel inhales a deep breath to calm himself down. He forces himself to look Dean straight in the eye. “A part of me was looking forward to a completely fresh start, too. But, of course, I was the same as ever,” Castiel chuckles without a trace of humor, “friendless, caught up in the details, narrow-minded. It didn’t take long to realize I was only ever a different person when I was with you.”

“Jesus Christ,” Dean says, staring right back, “I had no idea.”

Castiel shrugs. “I never told you.”

“You should’ve,” Dean says shortly.

“I should have,” Castiel agrees.

Dean bites his lip, looking conflicted. His gaze flits around the gym, behind Castiel, where undoubtedly more of their classmates vie for his attention. And, that’s good, because Castiel finally said his piece. He can go home, and never think about Edlund High School or Dean Winchester again.

(Because that worked so well when he left Dean the first time.)

Castiel takes a step backwards. Personal space, he remembers. Stiffly, Castiel says, “Anyway, that’s why I came to the reunion. To see you. To tell you that. I shouldn’t keep you any long-”

“Are you single?” Dean interrupts.

Castiel’s brain takes an embarrassingly long moment to understand the question. “Yes?”

“Do you want to get out of here?” Dean asks, a strange glint in his eye.

“I do,” Castiel says truthfully. “I don’t like social engagements.”

“Some things never change,” Dean says with a small grin. He gestures to the door. “What do you say to a drive?”

Castiel blinks.

“For old time’s sake,” Dean says, with a fucking wink.

Castiel’s mouth falls open. “I - is this a joke?” His brow furrows. “Retribution for refusing to see you outside of our… trysts?”

Dean’s face goes through a multitude of expressions Castiel can barely hope to read - shock, guilt, perhaps cautious optimism? “God no,” Dean says quickly. He coughs and shifts his weight to his other foot. “Shit, I was trying to make a joke. Sorry. Not there yet.” 

“I don’t understand.”

“Look,” Dean starts, “since we’re apparently crap at asking for what we want - we’re both single,” Castiel’s eyebrows rise because this is news to him, “and this reunion is boring as hell, so I’m asking if you want to do something else instead.”

“With you?” Castiel asks because it sounds implied to him, but he can never be too sure when it comes to Dean Winchester.

Dean glares. “Yes, with me, Cas.”

Castiel chews on his lip as he tries to figure out why Dean would initiate an activity with him, apart from the obvious. As Castiel fails to come up with any sensible reason, and Dean’s foot tapping becomes audible in its intensity and speed, Castiel has to ask, “Are you asking me on a date?”

Dean throws both hands in the air. “I swear, you’re being dense on purpose. Since you need everything spelled out for you: will you go out with me, Castiel Novak?” Without waiting for an answer, Dean tacks on, “Jesus Christ, high school really never does end.” 

But he doesn’t really seem all that mad. So Castiel tells him, “Yes, I’d like to go on a date with you.”

Dean grins. He jerks his head towards the door. “Wanna go?”

“But,” Castiel waves one hand in the direction of the multitude of people behind them, “aren’t there people you’d rather talk to first?”

Dean shakes his head. “Not right now, no.”

* * *

Dean takes the steps down to the parking lot at a bit of a jog. He makes a beeline to the very familiar hulking beast, parked at least three spaces away from any other car. 

A frisson of anticipation thrums up Castiel’s spine at the sight, a dormant instinct he’d thought ten years dead. Castiel pauses outside the passenger side of the Impala and tries not to fidget as he waits for Dean to notice him. 

“Everything okay?” Dean asks as he yanks open the car door.

Castiel asks bluntly, “Does this mean you forgive me?”

Dean braces both elbows on the Impala’s roof, his face serious. “You were seventeen.”

That’s not an agreement. It’s an excuse.

“I was old enough to know what I was doing to you was wrong,” Castiel counters.

“Come on,” Dean rolls his eyes. “If there’s anything I learned from teaching, it’s that teenagers are morons. Uncle Sam allows them to go to war and vote, but I sure as shit don’t. Kids are idiots.” His mouth lifts into a tentative smile. “Even the ones with a 4.0 GPA and perfect attendance.” 

Dean taps his fingers on Impala’s roof, but he doesn’t seem impatient, more pensive. It’s a look Castiel never saw on teenage Dean. “I’m sure you were doing the best you could’ve under the circumstances. I might not have got it then, but I get it now.”

“It wasn’t perfect,” Castiel mutters as he gets in the Impala.

“Sure it wasn’t,” Dean says sardonically as he slams the door behind him and starts the engine. “It’s not like I can’t hack the old attendance records and see for myself.”

“That seems like a lot of work to make a point.”

“If you think I wouldn’t do it, you don’t know me at all,” Dean says gravely, eyes twinkling.

“Oh, I don’t doubt you’d do it,” Castiel says, “You broke into Principal Singer’s office to steal back the switchblade that you brought to school for some unfathomable reason.”

“You remember that?” Dean asks, surprised.

“Your detention derailed an entire week’s worth of tutoring,” Castiel says dryly. “We couldn’t finish Cicero in time for your exam.”

Dean chuckles. “Figures you remember that part.”

“I had also recently fingered you for the first time,” Castiel reminds him, “I was very put out about waiting a whole week to do it again.”

Dean chokes on air as they come to an abrupt stop at a red light.

“I forget very little when it comes to you,” Castiel finishes placidly.

Dean shakes his head as the light turns green. “Christ,” he says, his eyes flitting briefly to Castiel’s face before settling back on the road. “You can’t just say things like that.”

“Why not?” Castiel asks. It seems they got into this whole mess precisely because Castiel refused to say exactly what he thought about Dean Winchester.

Dean opens his mouth, but no words come out. A ruddy flush crawls up his neck and face, just visible in the darkened car interior.

Castiel runs a disbelieving hand over the dash, reading the minute grooves and divots like he’s rediscovering his favorite book. “I never thought I’d be in the Impala again.” 

“You were the one who wanted to wait,” Dean rolls his eyes, “I think ten goddamn years is long enough.”

[mlmanakin]

Okay okay king because your taste is impeccable, I need your sw book recs

to preface all of this: i recommend reading what you’re interested in. in my experience, there isn’t really any star wars book that is so exceptional that i would recommend it even if you don’t care about the main character(s) or subject(s). (i say this... but there are a few recs that i mention you should try reading even if you’re not interested in the character[s] or subject[s].)

and my book rec list ended up being (almost) every book i’ve read in recent memory, so that should be an indication of how uncritical i am when it comes to books. these books range from “must-read that i've reread too many times to count” to “i read it once and enjoyed it well enough,” so i starred (⭐) a few standouts from the list.

here’s a link to a masterpost of legends book downloads.

books

canon

⭐ the ahsoka novel. some of ahsoka’s adventures between the clone wars and rebels. bonus: audiobook is voiced by ashley eckstein. ahsoka’s story in the “present” is fine, but the real standout moments in this book are the flashbacks and ahsoka reflecting on her past.

a new dawn. some of kanan and hera’s adventures before rebels.

master & apprentice. some of qui-gon and obi-wan’s adventures before the phantom menace.

from a certain point of view. an anthology of short stories focused around a new hope, told from unique perspectives. by its nature as an anthology featuring dozens of authors, it’s a mixed bag, but worth a read - and you can always skip a story that isn’t holding your interest.

legends

⭐ all of the prequel novelizations (both junior and adult), especially matthew stover’s revenge of the sith. if you love the prequels, you’ll love them even more after reading these. if you don’t love the prequels, you’ll learn to love them after reading these.

⭐ the legends clone wars books (the clone wars by karen traviss, wild space by karen miller, no prisoners by karen traviss, stealth by karen miller, and siege by karen miller). released after the 2008 tv show began but before the disney takeover (i.e. feature ahsoka). i haven’t actually read these myself, but they are highly and widely recommended by others, so i’m putting them here. (and i have read a few bits and pieces that were... WHEW!!!!!!!)

i would recommend some more myself but my memory of the other legends books i have read is very weak, so just check out padawanlost’s book rec tag here - it’s what i’ll be using when i finally get back into legends books.

comics

canon

i’m dividing this into two tiers bc i’ve read so many. upper tier is more highly recommended than lower tier, but lower tier is definitely still worth a read.

upper tier:

⭐ the age of republic comics. some adventures of various republic era characters (qui-gon, obi-wan, anakin, padme, maul, jango [and boba], dooku, grievous, rex, asajj, mace). even if you’re not interested in the main character of an issue, i’d recommend reading it anyway. they’re very short and very good. + i haven’t read them, but there are age of rebellion and age of resistance comics as well if you’re interested in that.

the kanan comics. some of kanan’s adventures both before and during rebels.

the thrawn comics. some of thrawn’s adventures before his appearance in rebels, featuring pryce as well. an adaption of the first book in the new thrawn trilogy, which i haven’t read yet - although i plan to and it’s pretty widely praised.

the obi-wan & anakin comics. some of obi-wan and anakin’s adventures after the phantom menace.

the darth maul comics (marvel 2017). some of maul’s adventures before the phantom menace.

the star wars adventures: clone wars - battle tales comics. some of the clones’ adventures during the very beginning of the clone wars, featuring some jedi as well. currently releasing. the first issue was some superb lighthearted clone wars content.

lower tier:

the main star wars adventures comics (i.e. the battle tales comics are essentially a spin-off of this). some of (almost) everyone’s adventures all over the star wars timeline. i haven’t read all of them, but if you like the battle tales comics, they’re very similar and worked on by some of the same people.

the son of dathomir comics. some of maul’s adventures between the lawless and the siege of mandalore.

the dark lord of the sith comics. some of vader’s adventures between revenge of the sith and a new hope.

the main star wars comic series (marvel 2015). some of the original trio’s adventures between a new hope and the empire strikes back.

the main darth vader comic series (marvel 2015). some of vader’s adventures between a new hope and the empire strikes back.

legends

⭐ the legends clone wars comics, listed here so you know what i’m talking about. released before the 2008 tv show began (i.e. do not feature ahsoka). feature a variety of characters throughout the clone wars. 

the other legends clone wars comics, listed here so you know what i’m talking about. released after the 2008 tv show began but before the disney takeover (i.e. feature ahsoka). each comic arc is like an arc from the tv show. includes the comic that the slaves of the republic arc was adapted from.

the other other legends clone wars comics, listed here so you know what i’m talking about. companions to episodes of the 2008 tv show, usually a more detailed prologue for the episode.

the star wars visionaries comics. the content of the visionaries comics is difficult to describe, but the comics are a mixed bag with some beautiful art by the revenge of the sith concept artists. a few very interesting stories, including maul with cybernetic legs returning to tatooine to fight obi-wan... and this was released in 2005 🤔 (although i don’t think that story specifically was ever considered canon.)

the comic adaptations of the prequels.

bonus: not books or comics

these aren’t books or comics but they’re not movies or tv shows, so i’m including them here.

⭐ knights of the old republic i & ii. excellent star wars video games. gameplay is dated, but knights of the old republic ii specifically is top-tier star wars content, especially if you’re into the force, the jedi, the sith, etc. if you’re a fan of other bioware or obsidian games (fallout, mass effect, dragon age, etc.), you should definitely try these.

⭐ forces of destiny. excellent ~2-minute animated shorts on youtube focused on female characters. superb lighthearted content. “unexpected company” is the best.

[autistic-shroom-trip]

i wanna make a list of my top ten movies if you want something to watch so yea smlkdkn most of these are classics probably but what do i know ANYWAY.

Here it is:

1. Trainspotting: Near perfection. Super good acting, fun yet traumatizing. Drugs. You can never get tired of this movie, it’s just so fucking great. Simply a masteriece. Makes you want to do heroin. 

2. The Rocky Horror Picture Show: So fucking amazing, up there with Trainspotting. Surprising, funny and weirdly sexual. Love the acting. Good music, quotable. Different from anything i’ve ever seen. Gay.

3. Nightmare on Elm Street: If you’re a person who has a lot of nightmares, i think you’ll love this. 80s horror, high quality chills. Young Johnny Depp with a crop top.

4. Full Metal Jacket: Makes you smile, very classic and quotable. Guns, good comedy. Based on a true story, i think. Awesome. War movie.

5. The Wall/The Pink Floyd Movie: Artsy af, better when you’re not mentally stable. Anxiety-inducing, a musical but not the cringe kind. You don’t have to really know Pink Floyd to watch it, but it’s definitely better if you read about the album it’s based on. Hating society, isolation, mental health issues.

6. Requiem for a Dream: Addiction, drugs. Very anxiety inducing. Interesting filming techiques, sound effects and all that. Metaphors. I truly recommend.

7. Pet sematary: Another 80s horror film, really good characters. It’s a Stephen King classic. Beatifully brutal.

8. Under Siege: Very entertaining, rock’n’roll vibes. The first five minutes are boring but don’t let it fool you. Highly quotable. Guns, action. Hot.

9. Matrix: If you haven’t seen it (or them), you’re missing out! Action, hot actors, the style. Keanu Reeves.

10. 8 mile/Eminem movie: For poor people, rap, hot girl(s), music lovers. Touching, rewatchable. Cool.

Some honorable mentions: Terminator, Black Swan, Jurassic Park, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Teit meistä kauniin, Reindeerspotting, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Most of these films contain violence, mental shit, drugs and sex, so y’know, dont watch em if those things trigger you and stuff.

That’s all. I’d really appreaciate if you shared this, there’s probably tons of bored people out there that wanna watch a movie so thanks bye reblog this plz :D

[leilawhittaker]

how do bucky and leila get along? how does her presence affect the way steve and bucky interact during tws and cw?

Oh, I LOVE this question. So I’ve always seen Bucky and Leila as having a sort of antagonistic relationship at first, mostly because they’re lowkey fighting over who Steve loves more lmao. At this point, though, I see this toned down a bit on Bucky’s side due to Anya’s presence. 

Without Anya, Steve is basically Bucky’s only link to the present, and seeing him building a life with someone else, moving on from their shared past, makes him feel lost, like he has nothing to hold onto. 

With Anya, though, by the time Bucky meets Steve again as himself in CW (or rather, in Under Siege, which is my replacement plotline for cw--it still achieves the end goal of splitting up the avengers, but goes about it somewhat differently), he’s gotten attached to Anya, and they’ve sort of become each others’ anchors. So Bucky is less dependent on his relationship with Steve to ground him in the present.

 I was gonna put a read more here but tumblr won’t let me...rip your dash (UPDATE! Managed a rm!)

Still, I do think there is some tension between the two because of their respective relationships with Steve, which I’ll get into in a second. First, TWS: Leila’s presence doesn’t really change anything about Steve and Bucky’s interactions, simply because Steve and Leila for most of the movie aren’t on good terms. Not only are they not together, there’s actively some bad blood between them, and Steve in particular is very distrustful of her to the point of questioning whether she’s actually Hydra. (Leila replies by implying that he’s Hydra--”someone as self-righteous as you could justify just about anything to himself, don’t you think?”--although it’s more out of spite than any real suspicion.)

This dynamic continues up until the end of the arc, where Leila risks her life by giving up her healing ability to help stop project insight. (I’m still fuzzy on the details here, but that’s the basic premise for her redemption.) Between this, and Leila telling him about her past, it’s the turning point for their relationship; they become friends again, start growing closer, they help each other grow (for example: Leila is the one who talks Steve into telling Tony that Bucky killed his parents), until they eventually, finally, get together in AoU. 

But none of that exists in TWS yet; whatever friendship they had pre-C:SW has basically been shattered, and they haven’t started repairing it. So Leila’s just not a big enough factor in Steve’s life at that point in time to impact how he relates to Bucky. That doesn’t come in until Under Siege, whether Steve and Leila are together.

I think that at that point Leila in particular has a lot of insecurity over Steve’s past life--part of her feels like she’s a consolation prize, that Steve’s life with her and the Avengers is just some fluke and he was really meant to stay in the 1940s and have a life there. And having Bucky around just compounds that for her. She’s scared that Steve’s going to realize that Leila isn’t good enough compared to what he could have had, and that he’d rather be alone than be with her. 

(It’s funny because Steve, meanwhile, by this point is pretty convinced that him going into the ice was destiny, or God’s will, or something, specifically because it brought him to Leila, and Bucky re-entering his life really only makes him more sure of that. I like Steggy a lot but I think Leila forces growth in Steve that Peggy never really did, and I think Steve is aware of that. All he’s ever wanted was to be a good man. Peggy helped him believe he could, but Leila makes him better. 

Obligatory Taylor Swift lyric: “Look in my eyes, they will tell you the truth / the girl in my story has always been you” from the Lover remix ft. Shawn Mendes)

So that’s Leila side of things that makes her vaguely cold towards Bucky. Then on Bucky’s side, it’s toned down like I said due to Anya’s presence in his life, but he still feels a sort of discrepancy about how Leila factors into his relationship with Steve--like, if Steve’s managed to move on so much, does he actually really love Bucky? (Platonically or otherwise, your choice.) Bucky knows it’s irrational but it’s a neurosis he has trouble shaking. Bucky and Steve were the most important people in each other’s lives for a long time; Bucky only broke free of Hydra because of Steve. And yeah, he’s happy that Steve found someone to ground him, that he found happiness, but it’s still hard. 

(It’s funny because Bucky has this part of him that thinks Steve stopped caring when in actuality a lot of how Leila and Steve got close in the first place was through Leila helping Steve look for Bucky. They probably wouldn’t have grown as close as they did if Steve didn’t care as much about Bucky as he does.)

Bucky could probably muscle through it if Leila wasn’t like, weirdly cold to him though, because he doesn’t know why. It never even occurs to him that //Leila// could be jealous of //him//. This tension causes them to start snarking at each other, while Steve tries to keep the peace between them, because this is the love of his life and his best friend and he wants them to get along so why won’t they just cooperate. It’s frustrating for him. 

Eventually this tension is somewhat resolved when they’re forced into hiding. A big part of it has to do with Anya. It’s a weird trait for a spy/assassin to have, but Anya’s very good at resolving tension and keeping the peace, and she’s hard not to like. She and Leila end up striking up a friendship, and from there she manages to mediate between Leila and Bucky, and they eventually reach a sort of understanding. 

I think, eventually, Leila and Bucky manage some semblance of friendship, although neither would ever admit it. They bond over having been brainwashed and feeling guilty over things they’ve done, and they have similar senses of humor as well. They keep snarking back and forth, but the malice behind it kind of disappears. 

This all happens very gradually and Steve isn’t sure how it happens or what to make of it, but he is grateful, although he still wishes they’d bicker less.  

(Plot point: I could see this mutual tension getting to the point where Bucky says something to Leila that’s way over the line, and Steve sticks up for her, which causes Bucky to storm off. Steve would also stick up for Bucky if it was Leila that went over the line, but I don’t think she would, not out of principle or anything but because she’s just that terrified of losing Steve. Bucky, for all his insecurity, knows that he and Steve will always be in each others lives, even if their roles change; whereas there’s still a part of Leila that thinks that Steve’s going to realize he can do better and leave her.

This plot point could be the catalyst for Bucky and Leila finally finding some peace, though, because there was a point where Leila did lash out like that, and she can definitely understand where it comes from, and I think, weirdly, whatever Bucky said to her ended up humanizing him to her a lot.)

By the time IW rolls around, they’re on good enough terms that Leila mourns him when he gets snapped. And by the time Steve and Leila get married after Endgame, she trusts him enough to let him be present for the wedding--the actual wedding ceremony, that is, not the reception. Plenty of people are invited to the reception; the actual ceremony itself is, at Leila’s demand, extremely small, consisting of Steve and Leila, the priest, Sam and Bucky on Steve’s side, and Tony and Anya on Leila’s. (And possibly Isabella; I’m still deciding.)

Anyways. As for how Leila impacts Steve and Bucky’s relationship in Under Siege: I think Steve’s attention is kind of split between them, whereas in cw he was pretty hyperfocused on Bucky, in US he’s also focused on trying to figure out what’s going on with Leila and why she’s acting so cold. I think there’s also already some tension between Leila and Steve bc the accords, while not as big of a factor, do exist, and while Steve is steadfastly against them under any circumstances, Leila has suggested that if the plan to sidestep them doesn’t work, they should try to negotiate a better deal out of them (not accepting them as they are, but trying to work with them). 

(I think these responses come down to this: on Steve’s side, I think the Hydra thing left him with a lot of moral injury, and that’s why he’s hesitant to operate under another organization--he’s not even thrilled about the Avengers answering to SWORD, and only really agrees to it because he trusts Leila, who helped build it. 

Part of Leila takes that personally, she feels like Steve not trusting SWORD means he doesn’t trust her, and part of her thinks that maybe he’s right not to. Leila herself has a lot of moral injury, because of the things she’s done but also stemming back to her childhood and how she was talked to and about, and ideas she internalized--and part of her still thinks she’s not capable of doing good. 

On Leila’s side, I think she’s just desperate to keep the team together because she doesn’t quite know what she’d do without it. I don’t think she’s aware that that’s her motivation, but it is a big part of it. It also goes back to the moral injury thing--Leila finds solace in the Avengers because she feels like working as a team, she’s able to do good, and she’s scared she won’t be able to be a good person without them.)

So Steve’s attention is somewhat split between her and Bucky during US, which only leads to more insecurity on Bucky’s part. 

I think? This answered your question although I know I rambled a lot lol sorry. 

Tl;dr:

-Bucky and Leila are initially threatened by each other’s relationship with Steve so they have a relatively cold, snarky relationship

-Eventually this comes to a head when Bucky crosses a line, and it weirdly makes Leila see him in a new, more sympathetic light, which helps them find some common ground. 

-Anya also plays a role in them developing a better relationship. 

-Leila doesn’t really change Steve and Bucky’s dynamic in tws, because she and Steve aren’t on good terms at that point. 

-In Under Siege (the replacement arc for Civil War), the big change is that Steve’s attention, instead of being hyperfocused on Bucky as in CW, is split between the two of them, which only causes more jealousy from both of them.

[alatismeni-theitsa]

What are your thoughts on "The cliffs of freedom" movie?

Disclaimer: I haven’t seen the movie yet. I am planning on seeing it when I am ready for cringe and disappointment (But I hope it exceeds my expectations because we deserve a good story). Therefore, I can only comment on the cultural impact of this movie. Here is the trailer, for anyone who doesn’t know about it: (LINK)

While it’s a bit flattering that our modern history is on the media, I can’t say I am  very happy with the outcome. My feelings are mixed, really.

My main points are these:

1) Greek woman falls in love with a Turk who is in the Ottoman army at the time of the revolution?? At the time when the Ottoman army was killing Greeks every day? The concept is not that flattering for the Greek heroine. Making someone fall in love with their 400 years (active in the military) oppressor is the worst. Most of modern Greeks didn’t approve of the concept as well. The story is based off a book written by an American woman of Greek descent which is… even worse? Doesn’t she have the sensitivity not to write these things? I REALLY hope the Turkish man hasn’t killed even ONE Greek in the story. That’s the only way I would root for him. Because even if he has killed only some Greeks in an ambush and then repents, the heroine shouldn’t normally want him (he has Greek blood on his hands). Turks have harmed us very much in the near past (sold our antiquities, did a literal genocide and an cultural extermination plan etc) so this is still a sensitive matter for the Greeks. Such a love story has heavy themes and I don’t think the movie is going to handle them well and respectfully.

2) The cast is all over the place. They have called people from all ethnicities and it’s a weird mix. Thankfully, it includes people of Greek ancestry (namely Billy Zane, Simon Kassianides and Dennis Boutsikaris). Don’t get me wrong, I am happy we can see Greeks on the screen. However, it would be even better if the heroine (the “Greek” we see the most) was of Greek descent. (She has Polish Jewish and French descent). The “Turk” love interest is not even Turkish, lol. Perhaps their low budget didn’t bring them their desirable actors. I don’t know what their initial plans for the cast were, so I don’t want to further accuse them. At least they read about our local heroes, they saw our people and depicted us with the proper skin tones and race.

3) It was filmed in New Mexico, US, and not Greece. I believe their low budget was the reason they didn’t come here, so I kinda excuse them. If it was filmed in Greece I would appreciated the production more. Anyway, I understand that there is some bureaucracy behind movies and there could be many things that hindered them from coming here.        

4) Despite the insensitive premise, it could inform foreign audiences about our modern history, which is something positive. The costumes are alright, the locations (homes, villages, nature) are kinda faithful to the original and, reportedly, the Greek language is heard in the movie (I hope it’s proper Greek and not butchered for once!). It could be the first step to a better depiction of Greek history and culture and I don’t want to openly trash the movie and “cancel” it. Beggars can’t be choosers and we need to encourage more people to dive into our history. It’s natural that sometimes they will get things wrong but other times they will get things right. We must go “To the unknown with Hope as our boat”, as an old Greek song says!        

>> I must add, Greeks have made movies about 1821 revolution in the past. A similar production (with romance!) to the Cliffs of Freedom, was made in 2018 by Greeks. It’s called “The Siege” and it shows the Greek revolution in a more proper light, in my opinion. Here is the trailer: (

LINK)

[judgeanon]

So I finished For Honor’s SP campaign...

... and I’m trying to figure out why I enjoyed it so much, so if you’d like to read me rambling about a five hour campaign attached to a big fat MP game that I haven’t even touched, click on that jump.

My first time with For Honor was a few months ago, during the first free weekend thing. I was lured in by the promise of Jennifer Hale as an armored lady knight slicing through fools, and brother, I was not disappointed. But because I thought the free weekend only included saturday and sunday, I only got to play 2/3rds of the SP, with the game cutting me off literally after the first Samurai mission.

Luckily for me, my savegame was not erased, and when I tried it again now, on its second free weekend, I got to start right where I left off. And got my ass kicked hard because I’d totally forgotten how to play it. But a few replays after I got back in the groove and breezed through to the end. And when I was done, I realized something: I was having a shitton of fun.

I’m going to get the gameplay bit of this game done with relatively quickly because it’s not what I want to talk about, but it definitely deserves to be mentioned. This game is the most believable depiction of “Getting Stuck In” I’ve played yet. And I’ve tried Dynasty Warriors. There’s something incredibly thrilling about the meaty thuds and animations that come with every landed blow, especially when you’re plowing through regular soldiers. The duels are also tons of fun, with a great balance of snap reflexes and strategic thinking. And when you’re not overcrowded with distractions, it’s pretty cool how organic the game flows from mass of jobbers to slightly tougher guys to It’s Go Time dudes. There’s a very cinematic flow to it, like a scene in an epic movie where two name actors are walking towards each other, slaughtering random folks on the way to their own personal duel. Feels good man.

Stripped to its bones, the SP campaign definitely feels like an intro to the three factions and a half-hearted tutorial/practice mode for MP. The story is simple and straightforward. The characterization is broad like a battleaxe. But there’s something about the whole campaign in general that I still managed to find profoundly appealing, and it boils down to two elements: character recognition and a really good fucking villain.

You start the campaign as the aforementioned lady knight voiced by Jennifer Hale, who is introduced as a member of a weakened order turned mercenary. The first mission concludes with you duelling an opposing faction’s champion during a siege, and the leader of that faction is so impressed, he offers you a job. By the start of the second mission you are being sent all alone to turn the tide of an entire siege (which is where my favorite bit of comedy takes place). And through the rest of the campaign, your knight remains an important figure, even in levels where you don’t play as them, culminating in a big fat boss fight full of small, very personal moments of character agency that keep it from feeling like a chore given to you by your master.

This is where character recognition starts showing up. There’s a tangible jump from “random mercenary” to “one-knight army”, and it makes all the sense in the world when you consider that’s what the game’s gameplay is all about. You’re literally winning entire battles on your lonesome, so why wouldn’t the game’s characters recognize it? In a lot of action and RPG games, your character’s bodycount and feats rarely seem to be noted in-universe. They’re either already expected of you or go completely unnoticed, and your character remains a tool that removes obstacles to the plot as other cast members have all the agency and relevance.

The other Ubisoft game I just finished recently, Ghost Recon: Wildlands, was a massive example of this. Literally every other character in that game feels more important and gets more development than your PC. And to be fair, your character in that game is an editable cypher, but that doesn’t stop other games like Fallout from giving you some measure of importance.

Anyway, back to For Honor. This pattern of character recognition/agency continues in the Viking part of the campaign, where you play as a Raider who comes down from the mountains to punish a bunch of greedy warlords and help unite the beleaguered tribes. That is already a massive improvement over most campaigns, where your character’s motivation is just whatever their boss orders them to do, but it’s enhanced further by the way nearly every other viking immediately recognizes your Raider. It’s never explained why, but there’s a strong feeling of this giant nameless fuck being someone in this world, someone that people recognize in sight, to the point where the second mission boss literally screams “I KNOW IT’S YOU!” as you release some captives. Even when you actually rescue a Jarl, your Raider remains the unquestionable leader of the warband all the way through as they raid the Samurai territories.

The last character you play as, the Orochi, has a similar pattern of in-universe fame: they are the Emperor’s Champion, the greatest swordfighter in the Samurai army, but they were imprisioned after “speaking out of turn”. The game’s backstory even suggests that, had the Orochi not been imprisoned, the raid at the end of the Viking missions would’ve failed.  And throughout the campaign, that fame proves very well-founded, especially since it’s the Orochi who gets to fight the final boss.

There’s an interesting pattern of evolving fame that runs through the three main playable characters in this game: the Warden carries a certain amount of fame due to their position as member of an order, but personally is an unknown who is “discovered” by another. The Raider has no position, but is extremely personally known (and hated) by nearly everyone they know. And the Orochi has both, having a position but also being personally known, yet remains an outsider due to their imprisonment. So all three characters are outsiders to a certain degree who turn the course of their factions, yet each one’s individual situations are different enough to make them interesting. Though they are simple, their sense of in-universe recognition and few moments of strong personal agency (with aid of some pretty good VA performances) help keep them compelling and endearing.

Of course, all this wouldn’t count for much if you were only fighting faceless mooks, and while each campaign has its own boss, with their own unique designs and techniques, they’re all just one-fight wonders. Except for the big one: Apollyon.

Look, I’m not gonna front: I fucking love Apollyon. She dominates pretty much every scene she’s in, either by slaughtering dozens of dudes with some really impressive coreography, or through a seriously inspired performance by VA Catherine Kidd. Sure, her lines are pretty generic and her motivations are like baby’s first Metal Gear Solid, but she sells it like an absolute champ. It’s a shame that her backstory is hidden away in collectables and a special edition booklet, but her constant presence and direct or indirect involvement with everything happening in the game’s campaign makes up for it by giving you a clear villain to fight.

And the kicker? You actually do get to fight her.

Full disclaimer and spoilers: my excitement over being able to actually fight her stems from the massive sense of frustration I got from finishing Wildlands and realizing that the massive, heavily-tatooed drug emperor with the silenced auto shotgun that you see in nearly every single cutscene in that game and who has a gigantic mausoleum built for his grave that you drive towards in the final mission is not, in fact, fight-able. You never even aim at him.

But Apollyon is different. After spending the whole game either helping with, reacting to or fighting against her actions, you actually do get your duel with her. It’s no Platinum Games’ final boss (altough you do get to fight her through three stages that end top of a castle tower in the middle of a siege with rocks being chucked by catapults at your battle arena, so it’s like 20% of a Platinum boss fight) but it’s still a huge pleasure to actually get to cross swords with her. So even though the game ends in a very open way, it doesn’t rob you of your sense of completion by denying you a climactic encounter with the awesome bad guy that has ruled the entire game’s narrative.

Overall, I have to say I’m mildly impressed. I’m not sure how much of all this is by design and how much is the restriction of an SP campaign in a mostly MP game, and I’m not sure I’d buy the game just to replay it over and over again, but I have to give props to the team for taking something that a lot of MP games consider optional and turning in something surprisingly endearing and enjoyable.

And if nothing else, we’ll always have my screenshot folder...

[callunavulgari]

YEAR-IN-BOOKS

I’m gonna go ahead and do this again this year, because I really like end of year reflection things and it was fun last year, so hey.

1. a book you loved?

I was fond of most of the books that I read this year and all in different ways. Last year was an absolute goldmine of awesome, amazing love this book forever types. This year I definitely had less of those, but I read more, and what’s maybe even better is that I also read a lot of books that I normally wouldn’t have. I wanna say that my favorites of the ones that I read were either The Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo or Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel.

2. a book you hated?

UGH. Artemis by Andy Weir. It is the first book that I have ever given only one star to on goodreads, and was a total waste of time. I’ve read a good half of The Martian, and even though I’ve yet to finish it, I liked what I read well enough. But as I said in my scathing goodreads review, The Martian worked for Weir because it’s one dude alone on Mars. Artemis, unfortunately, requires a full cast of characters and has a female protagonist. Weir does not know how to write women OR realistic dialogue, and following along with middle school grade humor and a woman that is basically a lady-sized cut-and-paste of Weir’s ideal wet dream. Which wouldn’t be bad, necessarily, if she wasn’t so obviously a man’s ‘idea’ of a woman, instead of an actual three dimensional character.

3. a book that made you cry?

There’s a scene at the end of Victoria Schwab’s Our Dark Duet that involves a cat. No, the cat does not die, and I don’t want to get into it because the whole reason the scene is sad is because of spoilery context, but I did end up tearing up because of that damn cat.

4. a book that made you happy?

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers is an absolute delight. It has legitimate funny moments, really well drawn out characters including several species that are so perfectly crafted that you can envision them, right down to the feathers and claws, and the story, while a little meandering, is totally great. 

5. the best sequel?

I read kind of a lot of sequels this year, but then, I also finished a lot of series this year, period. My gut reaction is to say Siege and Storm, because it’s one of the ones that I read the fastest, and the series that sticks out the most. But I’m going to say The Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo. And honestly, second up is probably Waking Gods, because holy wow, those books.

6. most anticipated release for the new year?

I’m really looking forward to Only Human, Thunderhead, and Vengeful, which are the sequels and triquels (is that a thing? that word should be a thing) to Sleeping Giants, Scythe, and Vicious, all of which I read this year and adored. The book that isn’t a sequel that I’m most looking forward to is Feeder by Patrick Weekes, which is basically about a lady that hunts monsters. It looks right up my alley and I’m super psyched.

7. favorite new author?

Technically I discover Schwab last year, but I did a lot of exploring of the books that she’s written this year and she is definitely a new favorite of mine. The other one that I’m keeping my eye on is Sylvain Neuvel, who wrote Sleeping Giants and Waking Gods. More on those books later.

8. favorite book to film adaptation?

So, the only reason that I reread A Wrinkle In Time is because of the trailer for the new movie that is coming out in March. I got incredibly excited, and am probably, if I can afford it, flying down south to watch the movie with my mom when it comes out. The Annihilation trailer also looks pretty cool, but I’m anticipating serious changes there. I did end up watching the film adaptation of Me Before You this year, which I’d read last summer. I ended up crying like a baby, and was pleasantly surprised by how much of the book they kept.

9. the most surprising book?

A Natural History of Dragons, by Marie Brennan. I’m not sure what I was expecting when I borrowed the book from the library, but it wasn’t the Pride and Prejudice with dragons that I got, and stupidly delighted by.

10. the most interesting villain?

The Grisha Trilogy, for sure. Honestly, Alina and the Darkling’s relationship was the only thing that kept me reading these books, and I was thrilled by the Darkling from the moment I realized he was the villain in Shadow and Bone all the way to the end. “Make me your villain,” indeed.

11. the best makeouts?

Okay, so Love For the Cold-Blooded was about a million times pornier than I imagined it would be, so that would get my vote for best sex, but there weirdly wasn’t much actual kissing involved. Also the fact that I didn’t like the characters or story very much probably didn’t help things. So honestly? Probably Shadow and Bone. That [SPOILER, though not much of one] scene where Alina and the Darkling make out against a wall was probably the most exhilarating scene of the entire series. Like, trust me. I know he’s the villain, bad wrong, etc. etc. but I shipped them hard. 

12. a book that was super frustrating?

Slaughterhouse Five. I didn’t actually get around to finishing it, because the version that I got was an audio cd narrated by James Franco and I just. Didn’t want to fall asleep in the middle of traffic. I don’t know if it was the story, his voice, or a combination of both but I was super uninterested in the entire situation. I gave up somewhere in the middle of the second cd.

13. a book you texted about, and the text was IN CAPSLOCK?

Okay, so the thing is. I don’t really have any friends. Not ones that I can talk to about books anyway, which is super tragic, because I love books and I miss being able to talk (read: rant) about whatever I’ve just read. I do it with Nick occasionally, but he doesn’t ‘get’ fiction so it’s mostly just me waving my hands a lot and talking rapidly in his direction as he nods and takes a couple steps back so I don’t accidentally smack him in the nose. I did, however, have a conversation with my roommate about Wool, and all the reasons why she should read it.

14. a book for the small children in your life?

Okay, but every kid should read A Wrinkle In Time. The sequels are a little... stranger than I remember, but I loved reading them as a kid, and I really loved rereading the first one as an adult. 

15. a book you learned from?

Spunk & Bite was a guide to ‘punchier’ writing, and while I wouldn’t say that I really learned anything that I didn’t already know, some things were expanded on that I found interesting. I also read some of The Islamic Enlightenment, which was pretty decent from what I read of it but a bit much for my poor ADHD brain. I think I need to stick to fiction.

16. a book you wouldn’t normally try?

A lot of the books that I read this year were things that I wouldn’t normally pick up. I think the ones that were most out of my element were Less by Andrew Sean Greer and Before the Fall by Noah Hawley. The first book is about an aging author who, when upon invited to his ex’s wedding, takes a trip around the globe in order to get out of going. My manager, who I talk to about books a lot, asked about it and was incredibly confused since it’s so far from what I usually read. Despite this, it’s probably the book that I will remember most from this year a decade down the line. Before the Fall is similarly not my usual cup of tea, about a man and a boy who survive an airplane crash. It’s a thriller/mystery, but the characters are so beautifully fleshed out that it hooked me anyway.

17. a book with something magical in it?

Technically a good half of them have magic of some sort, because that is the usual type of book that I read. I’m going to go with All The Crooked Saints by Maggie Stiefvater though, because all of her books are magical.

18. the best clothes?

As much as I would love to get away with wearing the brightly colored reaper’s robes from Scythe, I really, really adored the description of Arthur’s suit in Less. 

19. the most well-rounded characters?

That was a theme of the books that I read this year. They all had really gorgeously well-rounded characters with intricate backstories and relationships. Before the Fall was really, really good about it, as was Station Eleven, and The Secret History, though in the case of that last one you almost don’t want to get to know the characters better by the end of it.

20. the best world-building?

I really liked the world building in A Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet. I seriously can’t even begin how to describe how cool all the different species and space jargon was in this book. This is the space-faring book that I wanted Artemis to be.

21. the worst world-building?

Love For The Cold-Blooded? It’s a world of superheroes and villains, but it’s so slapstick that it takes away from the book a lot. Like, honestly if it wasn’t for the fact that I was vaguely intrigued by the hero bangs evil minion side of it, I wouldn’t have even kept reading.

22. a book with a good sidekick?

Gut-punch reaction is A Crooked Kingdom, but it’s hard to call any of those characters a sidekick. I’m going to go with The Archived, by Victoria Schwab, because I haven’t talked about the series yet and Roland and Wesley are both fantastic sidekicks. I loved them both immensely, most of the time more than the main character herself. The Unbound, its sequel, made those two even more compelling.

23. the most insufferable narrator?

Ugh, ugh, ugh, definitely Jazz from Artemis. Again, it isn’t her fault, she could have been super cool. Genius, tech-savvy, Muslim girl who lives on the moon and smuggles shit? Definitely could have been a cool character. But seriously, that dude cannot write ladies. She is literally just Mark Watney. 

24. a book you were excited to read for months beforehand?

All The Crooked Saints. But I think I’ll always be excited for Stiefvater books.

25. a book you picked up on a whim?

I picked up almost all of these because they had been recommended to me in some capacity. Spunk & Bite and The Islamic Enlightenment were both books that I picked up in the library because they simply caught my eye. Slaughterhouse Five I actually only grabbed because it was one of the only audiobooks in stock that wasn’t either Danielle Steel or Christian talky shows.

26. a book that should be read in a foreign country?

Less. I read it in a pool in North Carolina this summer and though it scratched the itch, it should entirely be read in a foreign country. 

27. a book cassian andor would like?

Sleeping... Giants? Or A Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet?

28. a book gina linetti would like?

I legitimately have no idea what this character is like.

29. your favorite cover art?

A Conjuring of Light or All The Crooked Saints. They’re both very aesthetic™

30. a book you read in translation?

None of them. Clearly I’m not getting diverse enough.

31. a book from another century?

Hah. Haha. Technically A Wrinkle In Time was written last century. Oh god, I’m getting old.

32. a book you reread?

Other than A Wrinkle In Time, which I read so long ago that it shouldn’t even be counted as a reread, I didn’t actually do any full rereads this year. I’ve been itching to reread both The Raven Cycle and Uprooted though, so maybe I’ll do those when I make my way through my library pile.

33. a book you’re dying to talk about, and why?

Okay, but seriously. Less and Station Eleven were fucking phenomenal and should be read even if you’re unsure that you will like them. I loved both of them immensely and again, I can’t rant to any of my friends and work friends about books because they look at me like I’m stupid. Also, Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman. Those were some damn good short stories.

[crow-moon]

Reading and Self Isolation

One goal I set for myself for 2020 was to read one book a month that has been on my bookshelves for a long time. So far I have been sticking to that goal, and have read The Man Who Ate His Boots by Brandt, Tree: A Life Story by Suzuki and Grady, and most recently, and due to the self-isolation protocols and having nothing better to do, The Iliad by Homer. My personal white whale.

The Iliad has been on my book since I took a high school course in Greek mythology, way back in 2001. It's been hanging around on my shelf in various forms for the last 20 years, more or less, and every once in a while I'd look at it, contemplatively, thinking perhaps today is the day, perhaps this is the year...

Needless to say, it never was the day, or the year. A bit of backstory: I spent a lot of high school reading Forgotten Realms and other Dungeons and Dragons-esque fantasy series, which evolved into high fantasy and fairy tale retellings by Patricia McKillip (which i still love).

In university, I moved on to the grim-dark fantasy we all know (and I thoroughly despise) as Game of Thrones. After that broke me of any interest in fantasy whatsoever, and well into university, I started heavily reading non-fiction. I was taking a major in history, you see, and sometimes real life is stranger than fiction.

I moved to Italy and read whatever I could find, really, having only a small collection of books to choose from in English - along with my course material from my long-distance courses with university, mostly 19th Century English literature and the very massive Janson's History of Art textbook that surely has every piece of Western art in it since history became a thing.

When I finished all that, moved back to Canada, and settled in (2011/2012-ish), I started thinking about fantasy again, and read a few more grim-dark things (A Dance With Dragons just came out and I decided to torture myself with that, and the The Blade Itself trilogy or whatever it's called), then fell into the most massive reading slump I ever did experience. I didn't read anything for like three years, unless I had to. Didn't even think of Homer in all that time.

Went back to school for two years to get my B.Ed, and read as little as possible (although for one course I did, I read several real gems, like Monkey Beach by Eden Robinson and Green Grass, Running Water by Thomas King). I graduated in 2017. This brings The Slump up to five years.

Graduated, spent half a year working, and was still massively disinterested in reading. I tried to get back into the habit, because it is a habit that you have to build for yourself if you want to read a lot. I read Fahrenheit 451 which sparked some interest in me, then got a fateful email from Goodreads in December.

This email gave me reading stats of celebrities for the year. Sarah Jessica Parker, star of Sex and the City (and lots of other things I am sure), this email said, managed to read something like 25 books in one year. I was flabbergasted. Sarah Jessica Parker, who is a busy adult woman with an acting career and probably interests and philanthropic endeavours and all sorts of stuff, managed to find enough time to read regularly and I, who has just sort-of started a job and had no interests or hobbies besides playing video games, walking, and reading, can't find time to read books? I'm certainly not making movies or t.v. shows, or donating my time to charities. What is wrong with me?

And all this time The Iliad is still on my shelf, untouched. That's not to say I haven't bought books in all this time. My shelves are teeming with things to read, because I kept buying, but not reading. I even bought a newer copy of The Iliad during the Five Year Slump.

I got it at a thrift store. I saw some highlighting in it, and thought hmmm, perhaps the previous owner wrote some insightful commentary inside this copy... No such luck. Didn't matter anyway, as it simply replaced the older orange version on my shelf. I carried on not reading it, obviously.

After The Email, I made myself a goal: in 2019, I am going to read 25 books come hell or high water. Just like Sarah Jessica Parker. And I want to read The Iliad. So I started carrying books around with me again, and set time aside for at least an hour a day and read. I also got myself back to the library, a place I tend to shy away from because I dislike communal things: food, door handles, public washrooms, books... anything that might hang on to some nasty bug and pass it along to me (hmmm). But I went anyway, and got some audiobooks from the library to help me on my quest to read 25 books, including The Iliad.

I read all sorts of things in 2019:

The Silmarillion

Frozen in Time

Dombey and Son

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

Rubicon

The Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs

Far From the Madding Crowd

And re-read a bunch, too:

Jurassic Park

Good Omens

The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit

just about all of Jane Austen's books

The Shipping News

In total I read some sixty books, blowing past the goal I set some time in May 2019.

Still, no Iliad.  

I was quite proud of myself for reading 60 books, though. I haven't done that since probably 2001 or 2002, so I decided not to be mad at myself. I'd try again in 2020, and perhaps get through a few books that have been hanging around for a while.

So here we are in 2020, it's March, we're all being responsible and practicing social distancing, and my god I am bored. There is only so much one can do when they are not working, just hoping for good news.

About a week before the city shut down I was browsing the library waiting for my friend, when I happened upon the rather large collection of audiobooks they have stocked there, and lo, there was The  Iliad, like a sign from on high. I took it, ripped it to my library, and this week I have split my time listening to it while I walk and reading it while at home from yet another paper copy I picked up (I just love the  Oxford World's Classics, sue me).

The audio version I picked up is a rather plain English translation, which is nice because it made the story easy to follow while I did not have a copy to reference in front of me. The Oxford edition used somewhat more... complicated phrasing? I suppose, but while reading it I enjoyed that rather a lot. I guess the translation does count in some sense.

If you didn't already know, The Iliad recounts almost the last two or so weeks of the Trojan War. The poem itself does not even cover the events leading up to the war (the goddesses conning Paris into picking whose best between them; him 'winning' Helen, the prettiest lady, and pissing off the losers of this little competition; Paris making off with another man's wife and all her wealth, Menelaus; being really pissed about his wife taking off/being taken, raising a campaign to go after Helen (and her money); the ten year siege that ensues) or the events after Priam goes to beg for his son's body back (building the Trojan horse, ransacking Ilium, Achilles' death). It really mostly focuses on what is honourable and dishonourable in war, and the destructive power of humans (and the gods)  - through all time.

How do you review a poem from the 6th century BCE?  The Iliad describes, book after book, line after line, every spear thrust into an eye socket, bowel, jaw, or groin. The merciless ruin people are capable of, but also the great compassion and mercy they can be moved to, such the compassion Achilles felt for King Priam, who snuck into the enemy encampment to beg for Hector's body in order for him to have a proper funeral. I arbitrarily gave it five stars because it didn't disappoint me after 20 years of anticipation, but that may change when I get around to reading The Odyssey, which made it to my shelf at the same time as The Iliad.

Well. I just spent the last couple hours writing almost mindlessly, and it has been really fun. Perhaps I should try this more often, especially when I am bored of reading and walking.

TL;DR: I got really upset that my life was way less busy than Sarah Jessica Parker's and still she managed to read more than me, and that is my motivation to read more. maybe I should thank her.

[theblindpupil-blog]

Dear Reader

February the Fifth, 2018 at 8:36 

Well, I guess I can say I feel shitty.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZfj-Lhnrb4 This is going to be a lot of random stuff, but writing makes me feel better. I hope this online diary helps someone someday.

There was a guy I met, over two years ago, at a camp. The camp was great and you got to spend the entire time basically interacting and doing things that were very inspiring. We saw beautiful sights, and heard beautiful things. I cared deeply for him, and I thought he was the same for me. I had done a bad thing during an anxiety attack while I was there, and it had leaked onto the white cuff of my dress. He noticed it when I didn't and tried to get me to talk. I didn't. We shared our experiences, finding commonalities in various things. It was just a Dream come true. Finally, someone who cared.

We had lots in common, we could talk about things most people don't talk or care about. We wanted things in life. We were both misfits in our school- not because we wanted to be, but because the way we think differentiated from our peers by a lot. We were no snowflakes, but we were definitely rain dripping on wet paint.

Things come to an end though, and I think that started when I developed something of a crush on him. We didn't see each other often but kept in touch every day. I began to fall deeply in Love with him. I remember the days I would help him though his problems, and he would help me through mine. He was kind about me liking him.

But then, he stopped talking to me. Said he was stressed. I cried, for days on end. It was so painful, someone I really depended on, someone I had such a strong connection to, just leaving like that. Without even seeming to care. We didn't talk for three months. Everyday I tried to move on, but it was hard and I never fully did. 

He came back with happiness and a new girlfriend, who I must say is very beautiful. He no longer cared for me, nor did he speak of his own emotions. The only thing we would talk about is some memes he found funny, his girlfriend, and Rainbow Six Siege. That's it. 

He didn't care about anything else.  He didn't know how I felt about him, and he never will, because when I told him I was upset that for the past seven months we haven't spoken nearly like we used to, about significant things, our dreams, our ambitions, he ignored me. I never had intentions to tell him anyway, because though those feelings still linger, I don't think they can ever be repaired into the passionate care as they used to. Now they are broken and hurt.

He ignored me once more when I reached out the following day, and refused to text me after. He never cares to listen to me now, and interrupts me when I have something important to say. I can't like the things I like without being made fun of. He makes fun of me for enjoying Homestuck despite never even reading it. I can't tell him about books, movies, or shows without him calling it "gay". It's a dumb uncreative term that is far from whatever horrible definition he's given it. He doesn't follow up on anything and it hurts me because he was once such a kind, warm-hearted person, turned cold by the demons in his life. And as much as it pains me to say, I think I might just have to leave him be. He doesn't care about me, so I am not going to hurt myself by trying to convince my mind that he may one day actually treat me like a friend, rather than a shadow. I just remember the day he hugged me before going back home. How tight and meaningful it was because we wouldn't see each other for a long time afterwards. I haven't seen him since. It's been over a year. 

Or the day at camp when he, I, and many others stood in front of a river, lit an indigo by the setting sun. Trees in the distance, and candles in the water. We stood on a ledge that looked over everything. And he hugged me. A real hug.

Now would he hug me? I think not. And dear, it hurts. It hurts so much, and I don't know why seem like the only one who feels so deeply about these kind of things. 

He helped me through so much. I stayed on the phone with him at three in the morning when his sister was going down the highway on acid. He had me on call during a prolonged panic-attack on both of our ends because his safety was very much at risk. She didn't know I was on the call. I was just there so that he felt more comfortable. I let him know that I loved him. A lot. He was my best friend. He was there during my nights when I would cry because of my past. He helped me end a toxic relationship, and he helped me through a lot. I was there when he was bullied, and he was there when I felt like the world meant nothing. Yet, in his eyes now, all of that was nothing but an asinine and frivolous waste of time.

I'll be lying if I said I thought he'd miss me. Because I know he won't. I cry a lot now, because I really miss my best friend. Sure, there are others who are kind to me. And I love them for that. One of them is even someone from a different country. She's amazing, and I appreciate her so freaking much, I can't even begin to explain. She gives me a lot of hope about people, honestly.

And there is another problem. I can't find anyone anymore. I fall more on the asexual scale, but he seemed to slide right past that. He was someone I felt very strongly about. Now, I can't really move on. I had one shallow crush, where I thought this one gentleman was very kind. (I use the term "man" loosely being he is in High School with me). He was handsome and charming, and a lot of nice things. Well, my luck he had a girlfriend. I realized how silly the whole thing was and I realized I didn't like him that much. What I felt for him came NOTHING close to how I felt for this other guy. I had never felt that way before. I know we weren't Soul Mates, or whatever you want to call it if you believe in that kind of thing, but I just wish I could move on and maybe get along with my life. It's hard though, because I don't think I even like the idea of dating anymore, or liking anyone for that matter. I don't put myself out there, and I don't want to. I don’t really feel things for people anymore, and I think I might be content with that now.

The song above helped cure today's panic attack that came with texting him.I don’t know why but I felt like I was suffocating. Cavetown’s video about advice really helped me out, if you don’t know about him, please check him out and support him on bandcamp. (https://cavetown.bandcamp.com/) If you are like me, then you will like his songs. I really like music like this, especially by him, because I feel like he sees the world in colors, as opposed to black and white. I wish I could say my thoughts in person or on the phone, but he doesn't pay enough attention. Too often, I selfishly wonder if there is anyone else who gets inspired by the world like I do. Someone who has a faith, and who enjoy a calm adventure. Who is curious about the weirdest things, and who doesn't make fun of people for their differences. Anyone else going through things like this?