#the only cis woman i have gender envy for

[wof-reworked]

ok I can't stop thinking about the jade winglet, here's my gender hcs for all of them

Moonwatcher - she/they (nonbinary)

I feel like this is fun bc rn (in canon) her gender is just "anxiety" but like,,, one day in the future she gets to actually play around with it

like she captures a very specific type of person I've met who you go "oh I mean I know she's gay but she's probably cis..." and then you have like one real convo and find out they're like not only nonbinary but better at it then you

I think she should get to be butch when she's older. I think she deserves being a) massive compared to her two twink boyfriends and b) gnc as shit

Kinkajou- any/all (genderfluid +transfem)

Kinkajou strikes me as being like. totally ambivalent to gender. Kinkajou changes her pronouns based on how the fruit he ate for breakfast makes him feel. Kinkajou is better than you

I think she was like staunchly using she/her for a while bc it just felt right and like changes pronouns situationally- Rainwing village is she/her, Jade Academy is any/all, close friends it varies, etc etc

Qibli- he/they (transmasc)

Qibli's just always kind of known who he is, and has been like. pretty contentedly in his corner for a while. I think it's like- a pillar of stability for him of like "at least I know I'm (x)"

Proximity to Moonwatcher puts the they/them in there bc I think it's nice when ppl get more comfortable so they start branching out a lil bit :> Qibli has like. guy who says "he/they" because he doesn't mind they/them and wants his friends to feel supported y'know

Winter- he/him (cis + gnc)

Look I feel bad making him one of like. two cis ppl at JMA but like I think it's funny if he's cis but inflicts a status effect of gender envy on every trans person in his proximity

guy who does makeup flawlessly because "it's fun" and decimates your sense of identity as you wonder why the fuck god gave these gifts to a man

extra funny for the fact that as a dragonet he gets offended by the implication he's pretty. he gets over it eventually I think

Turtle- she/her or he/she/they (transwoman/trans)

See here. Otherwise I think she's like trans and this could go in like. any fucking direction ngl

transmasc turtle??? hell yeah !!! transfem turtle??? hell yeah !!! gender is whatever Turtle has going on and god knows if she knows it

last egg to crack bc Turtle is immune to self reflection that isn't anxiety and self loathing

"Haha everyone hates how other people refer to them and their gender what do you mean? :)" (entire jade winglet: cringing with worry)

Umber- he/him (cis)

cis and a lil insecure about it but like. he's just nice :)

he's like experimented with pronouns and gender and found none of them really stuck so like. cis+. cis (extended dlc). you know what I mean I hope

gonna be honest I'm lost for him bc I genuinely forget he was there bc he peaced out so fast. justice for my boy I want to know more !!!!!

I could be persuaded for transman Umber ngl,,, it tempts me,,,,,,

Peril- she/her (trans woman)

On one hand I'm torn bc I think it almost doesn't make sense for her backstory BUT ON THE OTHER HAND the idea of Scarlet being supportive of Peril's identity and LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE is hysterical to me

though actually if we wanna get sad,,,, that 100% could be a manipulation tactic of Scarlet. "see I love you I even accept you" etc etc. now I just feel bad man

Peril's also in the same camp of Qibli of knowing this abt herself since she could think and being happy in it. She knows what she's about

BONUS:

Carnelian- she/they/he (transmasc)

Look butch can be a gender and sometimes you're a mean butch skywing idk what to tell you

wish she stayed alive bc her and Moon could've been legendary together. girl who will kill for you vs girl who desperately wants you to do anything else please we talked about this you can't solve your problems with murder

I think Carnelian's true gender is Skywing Patriot and idk how to put that in hc form but this is as best I've got

[befemininenow]

The first time you felt butterflies seeing your old guy friends got you shocked. You swore you like girls only. But then the feelings for boys amplified even more further your transition. It wasn’t just their face anymore. It was their chests, their legs, their muscles, their shoulders, their back, their... hnngg... your imaginations started to “rewire” themselves into a woman’s desires. YOUR desires! Once you started to feel envy of hot girls, you realized your old vitality also changed. The truth is, you aren’t just seeking someone hot. You also seek for validation as a woman. And being seen as one by a handsome man gets you so euphoric! Don’t be afraid of your changes, girl! Embrace it. What’s to be afraid of losing other than yourself to the pleasure?

Note: This is not to be taken as an “autogynephilia” caption. This is about the complex changing sexuality of trans girls. DO NOT follow me if you are “autogynephilic”! Leave your transphobic BS out of here!

If it feels so hot all of a sudden, that’s because you may have a secret underneath you. This spicy caption uses a pic found in Audrina Patridge’s “Me in my Place” photoshoot. One of my favorite captions used this pic and it took me a while to find the original source since it’s been long gone. I wanted to give my twist in this. But while this caption can be portrayed as fiction, it also describes the changing sexuality of what transgender women and girls actually go through. How and why it happens remains unanswered. Some say it’s due to the HRT one takes. Others say it’s due to an oppressed attraction one explores as they transition into another gender or identity. But contrary to fictional belief, this sudden change causes dysphoria for many due to circumstances such as internal homophobia prior to transition or the fear of dealing with transphobia present in dating circles, be it cis men or even other girls. The truth is, dating as a trans girl is difficult since cisgender people opt out of it, sometimes to the point of reacting to violence if they find out their partner is trans. But like everything else, there is always a bright side and finding your perfect guy/girl who validates you is like finding a needle in a haystack. If you’re a trans girl who is dealing with this situation, find some support groups who can help you. I often find trans support groups here and on Reddit will gladly give you helpful answers, especially in today’s tumultuous social circles. You got this!

[beanghostprincess]

Transfem buggy anon, back at it again-

• the sanji bit threw two thoughts into my head and it's both the "I love women (romantic)" thing and "i love women (trans)" thing.

Romantic: Sanji starts off all laughing at the overdramaric misery of his friends being step-clowns (new insult courtesy of him), but then, as he's serving Robin and Nami some snacks, he catches sight of the loose papers pile. He offers to assist with organizing it so Robin can enjoy her book and Nami can enjoy her newspaper and drink. They graciously accept, and he takes his place there with a smile, begins sorting them between fliers and bounties.

Then he finds a certain article.

That Article.

The One That Trash Talked Buggy For Being Trans.

Oh that shit is NOT gonna fly. Sanji is livid. Not only is that just.... mean, but he may have been in his own variant of ""hell"" on the okama island, but he met so many people between his training, and there's nothing WRONG with it. Women are women and women deserve RESPECT, damn it!!

Then, as he's frothing, he finds a bounty - updated since her coming out, name still the same, amount still higher than most expect, but the picture is changed.

He doesn't even realize his nose is bleeding until a drop falls on the paper.

Poor Sanji has to play off the heart flutters and face flush and nosebleed as sheer Respect Women Juice Induced Anger and not a flutter crush on a clown.

Nobody believes him but he still gives it the old college try.

It only really "comes out" as it were when the crews wind up meeting. Luffy is immediately tucking himself into Buggy's personal space with big smiles and bigger laughter, wrapping around his auntie-mom happily. She huffs but let's him cling, a sign enough on its own that she isn't all that bothered. And the eye roll, the half smile, the gruff hair ruffle-

Oh poor Sanji is gone. He is swooning, is spinning, is presenting a snack and affirmations. The other Strawhats are rolling their eyes, casual flippancy, fond exasperation.

Crocodile and Mihawk are Processing, Buggy is flustered and astounded, and it winds up bringing out a slight possessive streak in the two dark haired former warlords and it is HILARIOUS.

Trans route:

Sanji gets SUCH gender envy, and things go fairly similar to the above, but they wind up actually becoming something really soft and sweet with Sanji carefully hedging questions and Buggy just going "due are you a fucking dumbass, your crew loves you, they'd defend you to the ends of the world, they'd never be mad that you're a woman"

Sanji: I'm trans.

Ussop: oh I'm nonbinary! Neat!!

Nami, a lesbian: I AM THRIVING

Luffy: mmm good food

Anyway yeah that's it and ai am soft for Sanji and Buggy becoming friends or at the very least Awkward Friends.

And if anyone has a moment of "weird crush on a friend's relative", it would totes be Sanji and him having a moment of "Oh my seas it's a Stacy's mom deal, but it's luffy's clown mom-aunt-frenemy, fUCK-!!!"

Buggy's just flattered regardless and thinks it's kinda cute, she too had a puppy crush on someone older when she was a kid-

HIIII <333

Honestly, Sanji falling for fem!Buggy makes sense because fem!Buggy is just-- She is stunning. Gorgeous. Perfect. The only reason why she isn't transfem canonically is that it would be too much for this world to handle. And of course, Sanji, being the lover of women he is, would absolutely fall for her. Who wouldn't???? Sanji wants to die a little bit after the realization, though. If Luffy and Zoro ever find out, he won't be able to deal with the embarrassment.

AND!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trans Sanji <333 Transfem Sanji??? Genderqueer Sanji??? My favorite is honestly Genderfluid Sanji but the point here is they find out thanks to Buggy and it's the most unexpected thing in the world. Hilarious, even. The whole crew accepts them though because they're all queer. Like there is no way there's someone allo/cis/hetero in that ship.

I agree wholeheartedly btw Sanji is SO the type to fall for a friend's relative. Maybe that's why I love Sabosan,,, And Acesan,,, So much,,,, Mmmm. It just makes sense.

[ibelieveinthejrsupremecy]

Masterlist: Poe AI Character Bot(s)

Most bots are for ANYONE! User is not gendered, so anyone with any pronouns can interact! Also, I no longer post on Poe AI, only on Janitor AI from now on.

Ultraman Rising:

BFF Kenji Sato [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Situationship with Ken Sato [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Kenji with a MILF/DILF Neighbor [M4A]

Spiderverse:

FtM Cat Miguel O’Hara [T4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Valentines Day with Hobie [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Valentines Day with Miguel [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Orange Peel Theory with Miguel O'Hara [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Black Cat Miguel O'Hara (spider user) [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Obsessive And Posessive Miguel O’Hara [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Angry Sex With Miguel [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Drinking Miguel's 'milk' by Mistake (spider user) [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Walking Dead AU with Miguel O'Hara [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Vampire Miguel O'Hara 2 (Vampire hunter user) [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

New Years Eve with Miguel O'Hara [M4A]

Toxic Boyfriend Miguel O’Hara (stripper user) [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Married and Domestic Miguel O’Hara [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Jealous Miguel O'Hara (Spider-Person user) [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Cult Leader Miguel O'Hara Worshipping You (cis Miguel & cryptid/primordial user) [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Cult Leader Miguel O'Hara Worshipping You (trans Miguel & cryptid/primordial user) [TM4M] (Janitor AI ver)

Christmas with Miguel O'Hara That Acts Like The Grinch [M4A]

Arranged Marriage with Mafia Boss Miguel 2 [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Frenemies to Lovers with Hobie Brown (goth user) [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

An Illicit Affair with Married Miguel O’Hara [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Miguel O'Hara and his Blck Cat 2 [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Professor Miguel O'Hara [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Pornstar Miguel O’Hara [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Your Supportive Dad Miguel O'Hara Who Mistakes You for Confessing Being Spider-Man/Woman to Coming Out The Closet [PLATONIC M4A]

Your Dad And Retired Spider-Man Miguel O'Hara [PLATONIC M4A]

Lazy Morning Fun with Miguel O'Hara [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Primal Play with Miguel O'Hara [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Submissive Miguel with a Villain User [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Halloween Party with Miguel dressed as Ghostface (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

Miguel O'Hara envies you, because you have everything he doesn't [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Grieving Miguel O'Hara with a deceased AI lover [M4A] (Janitor AI ver)

Stranded in a Universe with Miguel O'Hara [M4A]

Haunted House with Miguel O'Hara (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

Zombie Apocalypse with Hobie Brown (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

Haunted House with Hobie (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

Corpse Bride/Groom AU with Hobie Brown (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

Zombie Apocalypse with Miguel O'Hara (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

Corpse Bride/Groom AU with Miguel O'Hara (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

Vampire Hobie Brown (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

Werewolf Miguel O'Hara (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

Vampire Miguel O'Hara (Halloween 2023) [M4A]

OnlyFans with Miguel O'Hara [M4A]

Hobie Brown with a trans masc friend+eventual lover? [M4T]

Miguel O'Hara and his Black Cat [M4A]

Alpha Miguel O'Hara [M4A]

Roadtrip with Hobie Brown [M4A]

Mafia Boss Miguel O'Hara [M4A]

Overworked and stressed Miguel O'Hara [M4A]

Miguel O'Hara Angst [M4A]

Breeding with Miguel O'Hara [M4A]

Miguel O'Hara Angst 2 [M4A]

[b3wtched]

∘☽ ☆ ☾∘ biography.    wanted.    pinterest.    playlist.

⌜ whitney peak, cis woman, she/her, ⌟  welcome back to hogwarts, TRACEY DAVIS ! according to your file, you’re a TWENTY TWO year old HALF BLOOD. as i’m sure you remember, last spring had its challenges, but i’m confident you’ll take your studies more seriously this year. as a FIFTH year SLYTHERIN, focusing on SPELLCASTING, you’ve got a lot on your plate. our records show that you're CANDID and INNOVATIVE however, they seem to have left off that you’re DECEPTIVE and DESTRUCTIVE. if i’m correct, you’re siding with NEUTRAL, which makes sense considering you’re known around the castle for experimental spells scribbled on her palm in invisible ink, dark mischievous eyes gleaming with the thrill of challenge, worn out leather-bound notebooks filled with countless observations, and malicious compliance. let’s hope you make it through the year in one piece. 

B A S I C S .

full name … tracey june davis nickname(s) … trace, tj, davie ( mostly her house mates ) dob … may 19, 2001 age … twenty two gender … cis woman pronouns … she/her sexuality … identifies as bisexual but is lowkey a lesbian going through a serious case of comphet relationship status … single religion … non practicing catholic  education … hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry

H E A L T H .

preferred hand … left blood type … ab- allergies ... citrus fruits ( but she eats them anyways ) physical … all around in good physical health although she has broken her wrist quite a few times mental … minor ocd social …has plenty of ‘friends’ but only a few that she is actually close with. although she prefers to just chill by herself most of the time.

P E R S O N A L I T Y .

taurus sun . entp ( the debator ) . sanguine . patience . envy . chaotic neutral . 3w2 ( the enchanter ) positive …  candid, innovative, meticulous, reliable neutral … ambitious, competitive negative …  destructive, deceptive, pessimistic, aloof habits … rolling her eyes at authority figures, falling asleep during potions class likes … shopping, early morning walks, dragon flies, ramen, energy potions, the excessive jewelry, and pumpkin pie dislikes … morning dew, blood, wearing socks, hair ties, cheese flavored anything, jogging and ice cream. fears … birds ( specifically owls ), premature death, ghosts tropes … defrosting ice queen, hidden genius inspo … lydia martin ( teen wolf ), pamela isley ( harley quinn ), veronica mars ( veronica mars ) and isabel evans ( roswell )

F A M I L Y.

eloise davis ; ( mother - pureblood , 46 , primary school teacher, former botanist ) phillip davis ; ( father - squib, 49, muggle journalist ) maya davis ; ( sister - squib, 25, med student ) athena davis ; ( brown cat - 6 months, found during a trip to hogsmade )

A P P E A R A N C E .

faceclaim … whitney peak face … 2 dimples, dark eyes, sparse freckles across her nose hair … dark shoulder length 3c hair occasionally pulled back into braids or a ponytail body … 5'4 , slim athletic build style …platform boots that make her appear at least 3 inches taller, tight shirts, oversized jackets and sweaters, dark jeans, and stained school robes misc … small tattoo on her left forearm that reads, “ i want to be great or nothing. ” bat tattoo behind her ear. taurus constellation tattooed across her fingers. septum, right nostril and tongue piercing.

W I T C H C R A F T .

house … slytherin blood status … halfblood boggart … birds attacking, specifically horned owls amortentia … cherry lip gloss, burning leaves, lavender lotion, and her mother’s sugar cookies patronus … bat ( non corporeal but she’s working on it ) ⸻ her most cherished memory is being placed into slytherin. although she knew her parents were going to be disappointed, personally, tracey had never felt happier. she finally had a home away from home. wand … 13 ¼" (length), red oak (wood), dragon heartstrings (core) ⸻ red oak is an infallible sign of its owner’s hot temper. a perfect duelling wand. the ideal master is light of touch, quick-witted, and adaptable, often the creator of distinctive spells, and a good person to have by your side in a fight.⸻ dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power and are capable of the most flamboyant spells. dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types, are temperamental, and are most prone to accidents. major … spellcasting goals … to become a professional duelist favorites … charms, dada, history of magic least favorites … potions, muggle studies, astronomy extracurriculars … slug club, slytherin quidditch keeper, dueling club president

H E A D C A N O N S .

growing up, tracey always assumed she’d follow in her mother’s footsteps and be sorted into ravenclaw. the idea was almost a certainty in her mind— however, when the sorting hat called out slytherin she felt a sense of relief wash over her. she always wears platform shoes, because she wants to appear taller and more intimidating. partly a defense mechanism to mask her insecurities, but mostly because she wants people to take her seriously. she HATES potions, it stems from her deep-seated fear of failure. she struggles with understanding the subject and worries that admitting this would expose a weakness. however, instead of seeking help, she dismisses the class as boring, protecting her pride while secretly dreading each lesson. tracey has broken her wand 4 times. she usually laughs it off, joking with her friends about how she’s just ‘too powerful’ for her wands to handle.

C O N N E C T I O N S .

mentor, confidant, drinking friend, former fling etc. twin flame - the  two  started  off  as  good  friends  and  thought  that  meant  they  were  soulmates  however,  tracey  soon  realized  they were better off as friends  and  that  was  the  end  of  that  relationship. however,  they're  still  very  close  with  one  another.  ride or die - they're  the  classic  childhood  best  friends. they  pretty  much  grew  up  together  and  although  their  social  circles  eventually grew  ( perhaps different houses? ) apart  they've  always  managed  to  stay  very  close. ex / on again off again  -  her  first  real  love.  the  two  have  broken  up  and  gotten  back  together  more  times  than  they  can  count,  and  each  break up  is  more  painful  than  the  one  before  it. whenever  they're  apart  it  drives  her  crazy  but  whenever  they're  together  she's  reminded  of  how  bad  they  are  for  each  other.  potential  victims  of  right  person,  wrong  time. frenemy - they  argue  and  fight  about  everything,  and  while  they  aren't  exactly  friends,  they  still  have  moments  that  keep  them  from  completely  drifting  apart. frenemy / rival -  the  two  have  never  fully  gotten  along,  for  a  reason  completely  lost  on  tracey  ,  when  it  comes  to  them  it’s  like  all  of  her  people  skills  are  gone. she  never  misses  a  chance  to  make  their  life  a little  more  difficult  and  takes  pride  in  making  jokes  usually  at  their  expense. whether in the classroom or daily life, they are always trying to prove who’s the best.  ex friend - their  friendship  ended  on  pretty  rocky  terms  and  it  drives  tracey  crazy. as  much  as  she  tries  to  get  over  it  and  move  on  with  her  life  she  can’t  get  over  the  fact  that  there  is  someone  in  the  world  who  doesn’t  like  her,  someone  who  knows  all  of  her  secrets.

[swnlcke]

❛ ✧ ── 𝒍𝒐𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 ... 。is that lola dupont , rocking the new giorgio armani ? wow , they look just like jessica alexander ! last i heard , she is a twenty - five year old elite from milford , connecticut . she’s a well known dancer who likes to give people tarot readings in her free time , and despises being told she can’t do something . i think she’ll do fine at the berry , since she seems to be engaging ; but i don’t know , others have said she’s quite obstinate as well !

❛ ✧ ── 𝒂𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔 。

the electric hush of an audience right before a performance begins , fighting the impulse to change your hair at any minor inconvenience , worn out pointe shoes collecting dust in the closet of a home you'll never see again , glittery eyeshadow catching the light , the bittersweet ache of getting what you wanted , a bloody nose dripping onto silk stockings , a box full of vintage jewelry , the first thunderstorm of the summer , getting your lipstick on a stranger's teeth , imported french cigarettes at the bottom of a dance bag , a smile that gives the impression you're hiding a secret , spinning on your tip toes until you see stars .

❛ ✧ ── 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔 。

full name: born lorena sofia hartley , but she goes by lola dupont . nickname(s): lo . occupation: professional dancer . birthday + age: february 15th + 25 . gender + pronouns: cis woman + she/her . orientation: bisexual .

❛ ✧ ── 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 。

birthplace: milford , connecticut . accent: faded southern new england accent , has a smokey speaking tone . nationality: american . ethnicity: white ; french & german . spoken languages: english & french .

❛ ✧ ── 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 。

parents: olivia louise hartley ( mother ) , unknown ( father ) . siblings: none . children: none . pets: none officially , although she's gotten into the habit of feeding the occasional stray cat . relationship: tbd .

❛ ✧ ── 𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 。

eye color: blue . hair color + style: dirty blonde falling just below her shoulder blades , usually worn loose in messy waves or slicked back into a perfect bun . height: five feet, six inches . build: slim , toned . tattoos: a sword down the left side of her ribcage . piercings: multiple ear piercings . scars / marks: a thin scar near her hairline above her right eye from a curling iron & one on the inner side of her left ankle from a dance injury .

❛ ✧ ── 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔 。

zodiac: aquarius sun, scorpio moon, scorpio rising . character inspo: violet sanford ( coyote ugly ) , lux lisbon ( the virgin suicides ) . temperament: sanguine-melancholy . alignment: chaotic neutral . positive traits: engaging , daring , independent , creative . negative traits: obstinate , mercurial , shameless , elusive . drug + alcohol use: hardly ever drinks , smokes cigarettes regularly & occasionally does cocaine . nervous habit(s): taping her fingers or feet . favorite color: silver . favorite scent(s): patchouli , amber , vanilla & musk .

❛ ✧ ── 𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚 。

━ olivia louise hartley was only twenty years old when she gave birth to her first and only child , lorena sofia hartley . a hairdresser ( and now a single mother ) in a small coastal town , olivia knew she had to work hard to change her circumstances . living so close to american royalty in new england with their old money that went back generations , it was envy and an insatiable want that would color lorena's childhood . she was acutely aware of two things very early on in her life : lack is the precursor to greed , and that she was destined for greatness . ━ before there was lola dupont , there was lorena : a restless child , but bewitching enough she could always draw a crowd long before she knew what the spotlight felt like . it was her mother's idea to put her in dance classes , and she'd take credit for that long after lola was well acquainted with what the spotlight felt like . it was dance that got her a scholarship to an all girl's preparatory school , and dance that would eventually get her out of connecticut . ━ ballet was her first love ; she flourished under the intensity of it , a perfect outlet for the unbridled energy churning within her . her mom latched onto that love , exploiting and shaping it , desperate to ascend to the status she so thought she deserved . it was her mom's idea to change her name . lorena hartley was just a small-town ballerina , but lola dupont could be a star . by the time she landed a spot at the american ballet theater, traces of her old life had slowly been extiguished . ━ the rewrites were harmless , kept vague enough to craft an air of mystery the public would hate to adore once lola's career took off . prep school in the states became boarding school in england or finishing school in switzerland . lola's fluency in french , picked up from her interest in old movies and one french-canadian classmate , became a by-product of a french nanny , or perhaps a distant french relative she'd spend summers with as a child . her absent father was a movie star, an army man, a mobster, or even tragically deceased. there was nothing concrete about lola or where she came from , nothing pinpointable about her except the undeniable talent she possessed . ━ new york city was good to lola . the world seemed so much bigger than she ever could have imagined. while her mother struggled to adjust to the fast pace and big names , lola thrived . she was preparing to audition for a chance to start an apprenticeship at the new york city ballet when she was scouted by a music video director . one video , one a-list client; that was all it took to launch her into stardom . lola retired her pointe shoes , her mom retired to connecticut , and things could only get better — or so she thought . ━ she had a good few years of notable fame . without her mother's iron fist lola was free to explore all the facets of dance she'd never been able to before . lyrical , contemporary , jazz , even burlesque — nothing was off the table . she was working with singers , teaching classes as a guest choreographer in trending dance studios , and even doing minor dance cameos in tv and film . she got herself into the occasional scandal now and then , mostly by speaking too candidly in interviews , or spending her newfound wealth on something the public deemed obscene , but it was never enough to shake her reputation . ━ it wasn't until she found out that her mother was being sued by multiple people from milford for fraud that anything changed . the life lola worked so hard to craft was threatening to be torn apart by the one person who'd helped her build it , brick by bleeding brick . being a part of the berry crew was more of an act of desperation than it was something lola thought long and hard about , and she's hoping it will be enough to mitigate the fallout of her mother's actions if they ever become public knowledge .

❛ ✧ ── 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 + 𝒕𝒊𝒅𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒔 。

━ she's a bit of a black cat ; one moment she can be open and inviting and the next she's elusive and standoffish . in a parasocial sense it makes her an interesting person to want to follow , but as someone who has to live with her for the unforeseeable future , it could be polarizing . growing up within a competitive dance culture with a momager for a mother , lola never had many friends , so the ones she does manage to make are near and dear to her . to compensate for the lack of longterm , stable , connections in her life she got into the habit of short-lived , torrid relationships . ━ she's almost comically superstitious . before she dances she has all sorts of good luck rituals she'll swear to you work . giving people tarot readings is a newer hobby of lola's , and she's definitely no master . her readings range from surprisingly , maybe even touchingly insightful , to so far out of leftfield you'll swear she's fucking with you ( which she might be ) . ━ has deeply conflicting opinions about her mother , and it's the only topic that's ever really sore . on the flipside , she couldn't care less about the fact that she doesn't have a dad , and has laughed away many attempts the media has made to insinuate she might have daddy issues beacuse of it . mommy issues however ... snksndk she tends to fixate on older women figures in her life , not always in healthy ways . ━ dance has become a convoluted obsession more than it has a career for lola . it's to the point that she wouldn't know who she was if she wasn't dancing , and a career-ending injury would crumble her completely . because of this , she's a bit of a control freak when it comes to her body and health . she's also almost always dancing ; even now at the berry , she'll still find time to squeeze it in . if anyone ever wanted to learn how to dance , she's a surprisingly patient teacher . ━ very much marches to the beat of her own drum . because she can come across in so many different ways upon first impressions , lola learned to just do her own thing without much regard to how other people perceive her . she despises being underestimated or being spoken to condescendingly , and she desperately craves validation and success even if she's not upfront about it . ━ she's got a love for gothic literature , tchaikovsky's ballets , vintage leather jackets and anything metallic or sequined . she once hired a lawyer just to take down a subreddit dedicated to her feet because she's adamant her feet are the ugliest thing about her . she's entirely convinced if she encountered a wild animal one day it would sense a kindred spirit and not attack her . she almost got kicked out of the american ballet theater for giving herself the choppiest haircut to ever exist after receiving one slightly negative remark about her turnout . after living in new york city for so long , she's developed a minor phobia of driving and will come up with all sorts of excuses to live her life as a passenger princess .

𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 . 𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒕 .

[outeremissary]

I saw @arendaes do this days ago and thought it seemed like fun (while I was also procrastinating), but after realizing I only had two portraits on hand I wound up spending more time than I should have putting together a third ^^;; Ash I hope you don't mind me tagging you despite all the time that's gone by!!

B A S I C S Full name: Balthazar Lucienne Gender: man (trans) Sexuality: bisexual Pronouns: he/him

O T H E R Family: Kostas Stefanos (father), ??? (mother) Birthplace: Absalom Job: “traveler,” leader of a country Phobia: being controlled Guilty Pleasures: singing Hobbies: fashion, esoterica, strategy games

M O R A L S Alignment: CE Sins: Pride, Greed, Envy Virtues: Patience, Diligence

T H I S O R T H A T Introvert / Extrovert Organized / Disorganized Close-minded / Open-minded Calm / Anxious / Restless Disagreeable / Agreeable / In between Cautious / Reckless / In between Patient / Impatient / In between Outspoken / Reserved / In between Leader / Follower / Flexible Empathetic / Unempathetic / In between Optimist / Pessimist / Realist Traditional / Modern / In between Hard-working / Lazy

R E L A T I O N S H I P S OTP: Balthazar/Tristian, Balthazar/Vio Acceptable Ships: idk I’m not picky lol OT3: Vio/Balthazar/Tristian Brotp: Balthazar & Jaethal

B A S I C S Full name: Carmen Regis Gender: woman (cis) Sexuality: bisexual Pronouns: she/her

O T H E R Family: mother and father, Aunt Marcela, grandparents (maternal), grandmother (paternal), two other aunts and uncles, about seven cousins Birthplace: Andoran Job: knight errant, Knight Commander Phobia: being lost Guilty Pleasures: tea, a good book Hobbies: n/a

M O R A L S Alignment: LE Sins: Pride, Wrath Virtues: Patience, Diligence, Temperance, Humility (my hand didn’t slip.), secret extra Greyhawk answer is Chastity

T H I S O R T H A T Introvert / Extrovert Organized / Disorganized Close-minded / Open-minded Calm / Anxious / Restless Disagreeable / Agreeable / In between Cautious / Reckless / In between Patient / Impatient / In between Outspoken / Reserved / In between Leader / Follower / Flexible Empathetic / Unempathetic / In between Optimist / Pessimist / Realist Traditional / Modern / In between Hard-working / Lazy

R E L A T I O N S H I P S OTP: does toxic yuri count? In that case Carmen/Arueshalae all the way babyyyyy Acceptable Ships: Carmen/Galfrey, Carmen/Daeran OT3: I can't show you an OT3 but I CAN show you my toxic yuri love triangle where everyone loses in the end Carmen/Galfrey/Arueshalae Brotp: Carmen & Greybor, Carmen & Ember (family!!), Carmen & her horse June

B A S I C S Full name: Kasander / Asperia (keeping it simple and just them.) Gender: nonbinary Sexuality: asexual Pronouns: they/them, any

O T H E R Family: Orin (“sister”), Sarevok (half-brother), Bhaal (father), Helena (niece, deceased), Ismene (“half-sister”); Shadowheart (adoptive sister), Jaheira (adoptive mother) Birthplace: Baldur’s Gate Job: assassin/cult leader adventurer? Phobia: Father, home, failure, abandonment Guilty Pleasures: eavesdropping, dockside street food Hobbies: lyre, people watching, theoretical plans

M O R A L S Alignment: CG, CE Sins: Gluttony, Envy, Pride Virtues: Kindness, Humility, Diligence

T H I S O R T H A T Introvert / Extrovert Organized / Disorganized Close-minded / Open-minded Calm / Anxious / Restless Disagreeable / Agreeable / In between Cautious / Reckless / In between Patient / Impatient / In between Outspoken / Reserved / In between Leader / Follower / Flexible Empathetic / Unempathetic / In between Optimist / Pessimist / Realist Traditional / Modern / In between Hard-working / Lazy

R E L A T I O N S H I P S OTP: none <3 Acceptable Ships: cult leader breakup (derogatory), Kasander/Wyll OT3: nothing comes to mind <3 Brotp: Kasander & Astarion, Kasander & Shadowheart, Kasander/Asperia & Jaheira

Not tagging anyone on this... if anyone would like to do it feel free to tag me haha

[woodenchip]

DANGANRONPA 2 GENERAL HEADCANONS

Just some headcanons that I wrote down, most of it is just pure nonsense and I love that for me

🍊Hajime Hinata🍊

•TRANS MASC (HE'S JUST LIKE ME FR)

•Bi man, big bi man (men pref)

•He doesn't untie his tie, he just makes it loose enough to slip it on and off

•Is like really quiet when you don't know him, but once he's comfortable with you he has no control over what he says

•Deals with intrusive thoughts

•He's so silly

•Has ADD or ADHD and OCD

•Sleeps in the fetal position

🍖Akane Owari🍖

•My favorite Demiromantic demigirl

•My girl is sex REPOLST

•Aoi is her cousin

•Akane is so proud of Aoi

•High metabolism omg

•Whenever she got bored doing something with gymnastics she'd go up to little kids and show off

•"You wanna see what I can do-"

•She hopes that by showing off the kids get inspired by her and work hard

•She's really good with kids, like #1 babysitter type shit

•Her and Kazuichi are close too

•Like bff's

⚜️The Ultimate Imposter⚜️

•Agender. Definitely Agender

•They/It motherfucker

•gently holds them

•I LOVE THEM SO MUCH :((

•Everytime they disguise themselves an identity crisis happens

•"No one knows who I really am :), but also, no one knows who I really am :("

•Has a very empty room

•like, little to nothing

•CAREGIVER, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

👾Chiaki Nanami👾

•My silly little she/they lesbian

•Tbh I also feel like she's aroace

•My girl is a whole program, I doubt they care about all that‼️

•Loves Mario Kart

•OCD

•Collects old school gaming controllers and stuff

🩸Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu🩸

•HE/HIM BUTCH LESBIAN

•but also he/him trans masc

•no matter what he's trans, I don't make the rules

•With the Trans fem headcanon I love him with Peko

•They are my silly lesbians♥️

•Has so many scars

•I LOVE HIM

•He does age regression

•I DON'T MAKE THE RULES

•Let me project

🐹Gundham Tanaka🐹

•HE/SHE/THEY NON-BINARY SILLY

•They are simply too cool for gender

•Autism?

•Autism.

• yk that one meme that's like "When I go nonverbal at the function"

•Yeah, that's them

•Has costumes for the Dark Devas of Destruction

•HAS MATCHING COSTUMES WITH THEM

👘Hiyoko Saionji👘

•Lesbian‼️‼️

•Her and Imposter are so Sibling coded

•Like her calling him "Ham hands!" SIBLINGS

•I like found family :)

•Like Hiyoko would annoy them so much but will apologize ONLY to them

•Even with Mahiru, Hiyoko will give her half-ass apologies

•HIYOKO AND IMPOSTER FRIENDSHIP‼️

🎸Ibuki Mioda🎸

•My bi-con

•When she gets Overstimulated she just gets more verbal

•Like "omg it's so loud in here??? Should I be louder? I should-"

•She has like those noise cancelling headphones for when she sleeps because of her heightened hearing

•Without the headphones? Not a wink of sleep

•ADHD and OCD

•Whenever she doesn't concerts she makes friends with the staff (or at least tries to)

•Ibuki and Kazuichi have sleepovers and watch kid shows together just for the fun of it

🔧Kazuichi Soda🔧

•AGAIN, TRANS FEM OR MASC THEY BOTH WORK

•LIKE THAT ONE PART OF KAZ SAYING THAT HE WOULD WANT TO BE A WOMAN TO TALK TO SONIA CASUALLY???? SCREAMS TRANS FEM

•also his thing with Sonia? That's not a crush, that's gender envy. (Let me be silly with this)

•Like his eyeliner in game?? No cis man would be able to do that/hj

•Also has the tism

•NEEDS TO BE HOLDING SOMETHING, ANYTHING

•Has like, a box of stim toys

•DOES JUMPY AND TIPPY TOE STIMS

•They really like the feeling of Gundhams scarf

•ALSO DOES LITTLE SPACE

•Let me project onto them😡

📸Mahiru Koizumi📸

•Lesbian or Panromantic

•Big asexual icon

•She forgets things so easily (Main reason why she took up photography)

•She's always late to the first class of the day because she sees something really pretty and takes multiple pictures of it

💉Mikan Tsumiki💉

•DEMISEXUAL, MY HOMEGIRL HAS TO GET CLOSE TO SOMEONE BEFORE SHE EVEN THINKS ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP

•She's also trans fem

•Gently holds her omg

•She asked Nagito to help fix her hair

•He fucked it up more

•Like you know that one part of her bangs that's shorter than the other strands? He did that

•Nagito and her would be silly friends

•"Why would an amazing Ultimate like you want to be friends with a worthless human like me?"

•She'd say something like- "Because you're not that bad, you just get unlucky sometimes, just like me!"

•Like, with how she falls, she's definitely unlucky

•SHE'S ALSO HYPERSEXUAL

🍀Nagito Komaeda🍀

•I really dislike him so I have very little

•My guy is definitely a He/They

•Is (somewhat) close to most of the Lucky students

•He'd end up degrading them though

•"It's amazing how we got into Hopes Peak from just luck!" "I know, how worthless is it that we are only here because of a name drawing!"

•He doesn't have many friends

•And with the few he does have, he just doesn't understand??

•like, my man is struggling to understand why HE has friends

🌪️Nekomaru Nidai🌪️

•The only cis Man here istg

•I love him so much omg

•He would help younger students train and just exercise

•Like him, Mondo, and Taka, they were like besties

•Taka would look up to him SO MUCH

•I'm also a Taka lover, be warned

•Also really good with kids

•Type of person to swing the swings so hard that it tangles up

•Akane would have to fix the swings

•He's just so silly :((

🎭Peko Pekoyama🎭

•FUTCH LESBIAN, HER AND FUYUHIKO ARE MY SILLY LITTLE LESBIANS, I LOVE THEM.

•She's near sighted

•She HATES contacts

•No matter what she does she doesn't take off her glasses, she wears them in the shower, in the pool, everywhere (just like me)

•Her eyesight gets worse and worse everyday/hj

•CARETAKER‼️‼️

•I LOVE HER SO MUCH

•Near sighted

👑Sonia Nevermind👑

•My girl experiments with pronouns and labels

•She's knows she likes woman though, 100%

•Going with the Trans Fem Kazuichi headcanon: she'd help Kaz with clothes

•Like, "You should try this on-"

•Of course she wouldn't forgive Kaz with the weird harassing thingy but she'd be okay with them after a while

•Sonia doesn't hold grudges

•I'm also a Kazuichi apologist ‼️

•SONIA WOULD CRY IF SHE MET GENOCIDER SHO

•CRYING OF HAPPINESS, LIKE‼️‼️

•"Omg- I've been watching police reports of you since you first started killing-!"

•She would watch Gundham's animals and dress them up in fancy little animals clothes

🍴Teruteru Hanamura🍴

•Pansexual

•We already knew that though

•I have like, nothing for him

•I don't like him >:(

•Loves those really corny romance shows

•Like the really bad ones that suck? Yeah, those

•He has a whole notebook with his mother's recipes for when he left to go to Hopes peak so he could cook them whenever he got homesick :(

•He HATES sharing recipes to other people

•Can NOT work in the kitchen with someone else

•MOVE OUT OF HIS WAY, HE WILL SHOVE YOU‼️

[waldfinsternis]

I can't believe I'm actually planning to come out as non binary in two days. It's to my best friend who is the first irl person I'm going to tell and who I know is going to be incredibly supportive but it's still so damn scary. My endlessly self-doubting mind is still regurgitating narratives like "it's just a phase" and "you're just imagining this for attention or to be a special snowflake" which I know are bullshit but they're still there. I've always felt queer somehow and my queer friends often tell me "there's no way you're straight" but since I'm afab and liked cis men 95% of the time I always just thought I was just a 'bi-curious' straight woman. But then I got into a short, yet eye opening relationship with a non binary person and realized I'm not only attracted to cis men but also to gender non conforming people and a lot, actually. And that made me question not only my sexuality but also my gender identity. I still haven't figured out whether it's just gender envy I am feeling with them or whether I genuinely want to be with them (ah yes, the age-old question), so yeah, that crisis is still going on. And I still somehow feel like a woman, but definitely not only and not all the time. I thought for a long time that because I still somehow felt like a woman that it meant that I couldn't be non binary. But now I know how broad the term is and that it definitely fits my gender experience. Looking back now, I see so many signs that I was non binary all this time. Being completely obsessed with androgynous womxn from a young age, feeling deeply uncomfortable in feminine coded clothes like dresses or skirts, feeling amazing and confident in gender neutral clothing, progressively liking and identifying less and less with my birthname, a general sense of unease and feeling deeply out of place, especially in very heteronormative environments, etc., etc. None of these have to mean that someone is non binary, but for me, together with everything else, they just make sense. So yeah, if anyone's still reading this, I'm going to do this aaah, wish me luck

[unforth]

Been thinking a lot about gender. One of my closest friends and I share our nb and gender envy experiences a lot, and recently they shared a music video with me, and I said - jokingly, I thought - that I had gender envy for literally every person in the video, and it really got me thinking about...that...and what that meant...and how true it was, and I think I finally had a really valuable insight about my relationship with gender.

See, gender is confusing as fuck. People talk about "feeling" like they're a gender, and I've never really...gotten that. I have a pile of meat that holds my awareness, but I'm not particularly attached to that meat, and I'm not particular attached to the bits that are part of that meat, but I also don't want to permanently change to a different one. It's not like I'm thinking, "these are the wrong bits, I wish I always had some other gender's bits." Instead, it's more like, "oh, experiencing what it'd like to have those bits would be interesting."

And I realized...my ideal gender would be shapeshifter. It's not that I want to be a man or a woman or any combination of both or any third option...permanently.

I've always believed I only get one shot at life, that when I die I will be nothing, that therefore my goal in existing is to experience as many things as I can, because when all is said and done, all that will matter is that I had those experiences before I ceased. I won't ever get another chance. And as such...I hate being trapped in this single unit of meat that I'm not attached to. I want to experience things, all things, associated with having meat! I want to feel fat and thin, want to feel vagina and penis, want to feel abled and disabled, want to feel Black and white, want to feel all the shades between the extremes of the identities that exist. And don't get me wrong, I'm not at ALL saying "I want to try on other identities like they're a disposable costume, all the perks and none of the disadvantages." That's not it at all. I want to experience e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g, I want to live a year with all the pros and cons, and then live another year with different pros and cons. And again, I know there are problematic things about positing this, especially related to racism and ableism, but like...what I'm saying is impossible anyway, and I'm not talking about a reality, I'm talking about "what I realized about my relationship with gender when I recognized that I looked at a large group of people and kind of wished I could be...all of them."

I've been letting this percolate in my brain for a few weeks.

I debated between agender and nb for years before I decided I had days I felt kinda gendered maybe??? and went with nb. Then, I switched to genderfluid when I realized there were days when I did definitely feel distinctly "I wish was more dude" and other days when I felt distinctly, "I wish I was more lady" and then days when I thought, "I wish my gender looked less definable." And I think that was an important insight. There were definite, fluid preferences there!

But - combined with this insight, I think I finally "get it."

I don't wish I was a dude or a lady or whatever on those days, it's purely about appearance.

I want to be my essential, ungendered self, shapeshifting into different meat.

I can't be that, obviously. This is the meat I've got, and making changes to it based on...all of this...would clearly be foolish, because I'm never gonna find a permanent combination of meat parts that fit the genuine fluidity of form I wish I had. And, it's not fluidity of gender - it's fluidity of meat-shape. I don't want to be a man or a woman or anything else, I want to be me, with different flesh.

And that essential "me" isn't gendered and never really has been. Being female is literally zero part of my identity, except for the part that my meat has the bits associated with being a cis woman in our society. So, I think my long-time debate between agender vs. non-binary as a self-id got bogged down in the meat part, because I couldn't figure out how the self was interacting with the flesh, and now I think I've got it.

The flesh doesn't mean jackshit to me. I want to be formless, and free to experiment with forms, but bodies don't do that, so here I am.

Agender, with cis woman bits, wishing I could experiment with form to diversify my experiences of life. That's my gender. Agender, shapeshifter aspirant, lmao.

TL:DR I'm going with agender going forward because this meat is meaningless to me in any gendered way, and other meat would be equally meaningless, gender-wise. What I want isn't a different gender, it's to be Me Wearing Different Outfits, where "outfit" is "meat in a different shape."

I've been fighting with this gender stuff for almost a decade and for the first time...I think I've finally found the identity iteration that feels "right."

And I just thought I'd share, in case it helps anyone else.

[englishmagic]

Wanna read about my gender journey?

A youtuber asked "what was the moment you realised you were trans?" and I tried to put it into words in a comment. Instead, it became... Longer than any youtube comment that anyone would read. It feels more appropriate to put it here, so I am going to. But since it is, uh, long, I will put it under a read more.

For me, it was many small moments stacking up, starting around puberty. I was a little girl, but when I outgrew girlhood, growing into womanhood felt incredibly wrong. I started (very unsafely) binding my chest when I was about eleven or ten, but only to look at myself in the mirror with a flat chest, because I didn't want anyone to notice and ask about it. When I was a teenager I referred to my assigned sex as a "y chromosome deficiency". I remember crying after a row with my mother where I asked why I had to be a boy or a girl and not just a kid, and was told that I wasn't a kid anymore. When I floated the possibility of being a boy, the conversation jumped straight to "okay so should we schedule invasive surgery on your genitals??" and obviously that scared me away.

Reading feminist theory I got very preoccupied with gender socialisation, and thought through nearly every choice I made with the question "would I choose differently if I hadn't been raised a girl?" Seeing feminine-looking men made me excited, because if they could look like that and still call themselves men, maybe I could be a man sometimes, too. I became vaguely aware of nonbinary people when I started using tumblr around 2010-ish, but I was always under the impression that it was some sort of medical condition that you were supposed to pity, but which I envied instead, and that made me feel like a bad person, like I was fetishising someone's struggle by wishing it upon myself.

All of these were things I thought, did, and said, while convinced I was totally cis, and just… Weird, I guess. Desperate for attention, maybe. In fact, while I tried to express support for trans people outwardly, for the longest time I had trouble understanding the whole concept - after all, my "biologically female body" was the only reason I was a woman; I felt no ties to that identity beyond physical categorisation. If that didn't make me a woman, then what did? Spoiler alert: Nothing.

(added for tumblr bc less censorship: It was so weird to me that someone would go through all that trouble just to have a vagina and boobs. Because that was the reason I was a woman, nothing made me a woman except vagina and boobs. The rest was just behaviour I'd been molded and manipulated into, just gender roles, really, and those are made up bullshit anyway. What do trans women experience, do they just look at their crotch and go, there should be a vulva there and the fact that there isn't upsets them? In no way did I realise that maybe if I feel like possession of a cunt was the only reason I was saddled with the title "woman", then maybe the title didn't mean much to me at all. I was only a woman because the shape of my body dictated it. And when I finally internalised the fact that it doesn't, I immediately stopped identifying as that gender.)

I'm not a woman. I think I settled on that conclusion probably around 2016, but it has been slow going and honestly a lot of it has been subconscious. I'm mostly out of the closet now, but I'm also still not entirely sure where my identity falls. It feels awkward to be figuring myself out in my thirties, too vague, too little, too late, but "definitely not woman" is something I'm 100% sure on.

And here I put an apology for writing such a long comment. Instead of apologising, I will here make the comment at least twice as long. More signs along the way, for one - by the time I was like, fourteen, 80-90% of my self-insert characters in writing were male. I'd pretend to be a guy on online forums, or just not specify a gender and get really happy when people didn't assume I was female. I put that down to internalised misogyny. I also took on a male sounding nickname with my friends - and if there's any reason I'm glad I didn't transition as a teen it's that I'd probably be stuck as Seth. I would spend ages in the bathroom making myself look more masculine, slicking back my hair and pretending I was a guy, practicing (atrocious) drag king makeup that I washed away before anyone else could see it.

As an adult, I've also realised that I am much more comfortable with sexuality if I am seen as masculine. I have quite a feminine appearance. And I do identify as aromantic asexual, that label makes me feel seen and gives me peace of mind - but sometimes I suspect part of my discomfort with romance and sexuality is that being attractive to people has always been a gendered experience to me. I've got a pretty face, and I like compliments as much as anyone, but the moment someone calls me attractive, sexy, hot, anything like that, I feel like I want to dig a hole and bury myself underground. There are pieces of clothing I've loved, but that I haven't been able to make myself wear after someone made a comment about me looking hot in them. However. I posted a selfie with one of those "this app will put a beard on you in exchange for training material for our AI" filters on it to a facebook page, and when people called that sexy, handsome, and "daddy" - that didn't feel gross. That actually felt empowering and exciting and flattering and I realised maybe that's how being told you're attractive is supposed to make you feel?

As mentioned above, I'm still not entirely sure about the man thing. But it feels better than woman. For now, I'm comfortable with being nonbinary, transmasc, certified non-woman.

I still feel like shit a lot of the time. I look in the mirror and I see a woman and I wish she was allowed to exist, because she looks so nice. I wish I wanted to be her. But the very idea of it makes me feel, well, the way people expressing their attraction to me as a female creature does. Uncomfortable, nauseous, sometimes borderline suicidal. It feels wrong to deny the world access to this person who would be so much better liked, so much more of an asset, than the absolute weirdo hiding behind my face. I struggle with the intersection between internalised fatphobia as I've gained a lot of weight in my late twenties, early thirties, and the despair of that fat settling in places that make me look ever more womanly, with curves and all of that shit which is great on other people, but drags my body further and further away from what I want it to be.

I'm still in the situation where wanting to change my body kind of requires me to be a dude, especially if I want anything medical, which I don't dare to think about too much. And I still think it feels too extreme, somehow, to commit to being a man. I like my femininity. I enjoy looking like Galadriel sometimes, I enjoy giving off strong lesbian energy occasionally, I have "girlsonas" that are important parts of me. I just don't like dressing like a woman around other people, because at the back of my mind I know my appearance will be seen as proof that I am in fact a woman. And I know that I shouldn't care what people think, I shouldn't care what I look like, it's what's inside that counts and as long as I know my truth - but "my truth" is kind of foggy at the moment. So being identified by others as the only thing I'm 100% sure I am not is not helpful.

Sometimes being nonbinary seems to boil down to "say you are nonbinary". And yeah, that's true. But what's the next step? I'm not happy where I am. Saying I'm nonbinary isn't enough for me. I don't know what I need, I think I need help figuring that out and doing whatever I need to do, but I have no idea where to get that help. If anyone read this far and has a suggestion, I am open to those I guess...

Thank you for reading this, if anyone does. I don't expect anyone will. Maybe just writing it will be good somehow, I don't know.

[faeryfrogs]

damn kids, I've really been questioning my gender recently. Like... sometimes I wish I was a man-- but like, a very androgynous, femme man. Not really interested as being seen as a butch woman, and I've given that plenty of thought over the years as one of my close friends is a butch lesbian.

This is a weird feeling to admit to, because I thought I was pretty much done thinking about my gender and sexuality at my big age.

Overall, I wish my body shape lent itself to seeming more androgynous. I feel like my relationship with my body was fine until I hit puberty, and I've strongly disliked it ever since. I don't think I'd mind presenting as a woman so much if I were taller or skinny because it would perhaps lend itself to androgyny more than the hourglass stereotype. I've always envied, for example, women who cosplay as male characters. I don't think I can pull it off! At the same time, I have zero desire to be a 'guy's guy.' I've called myself nonbinary for a while, or I guess I'm genderfluid or genderqueer? I'll be honest, I'm not so familiar with the nuances of terminology in this case and infighting over labels in other areas of queer community (an unbelievably stupid thing to fight over imo) has me leery.

And then there's the thing slightly ironic thing where I'm hormonally intersex but stereotypically female-presenting in body type and fat distribution. I'm convinced that if I lost weight, I might appear more androgynous.

Also, I lurked on some transmasc forums and learned that more testosterone might actually help my intersex condition. Fucking crazy to learn that. If only I'd been born in a world with parents who didn't just decide that I should be a woman! I'm going to make myself sad here... but the truth is, most intersex conditions are 'corrected' by tossing the intersex person to whichever end of the gender binary they seem closer to. But let's not talk about my forced feminization, lol.

Yes, I kind of wish sometimes that I'd been born with male body parts and had gone through life that way. (Somehow, it seems easier to be androgynous as an amab person rather than an afab person. Perhaps that's a grievous misconception, if so, give me a little grace...) I also remember being envious of boys as a little kid. I do think it would have been a huge struggle in other areas though; I left the cult I was raised in partly because of how I was treated due to my assigned gender, and while I wish to believe that I always would have left no matter what, it may have been much a slower process without the catalyst of being woman-presenting in a hierarchical, violently sexist environment. And who knows, maybe I would have more deeply repressed my femininity and queer identity in a male body...

Anyways. Just something I've been thinking about a bit. I've mentioned it once to my best friend, and when meeting up with new queer folks I tend to use Max as my name instead of my more gendered birth name, but I'm not really in a place to be public about it until I'm more sure how I feel. This is honestly the first time I've put it to words at all.

Here's the other thing. I have no desire to put my body in the wringer especially with things like surgery, but I do want other people to see me as myself and not as a woman. I worry especially that without some form of external self-transformation, I will always be seen as a busty cis woman who's just quirky. Ugh.

[jev-sweethearts-best-sprout-mole]

I just need to rant about how much I love sweetheart (and it'll be very messy because I'm not even gonna bother to make this post have a sense of order, I'm just gonna type how my thoughts come out). Be warned that this includes heavy self-ship thoughts, so there will be quite a bit of that insanity here.

Like holy shit. I love this fictional woman so much she is so pretty and so cute and so silly and so funny and so cool and oh my god I love her so so so much /r. I am in love with this fictional woman that were she to be real, she'd kill me on the spot. But that's okay! Anything for Sweetheart! I don't know if cis people can use the term gender envy but if not, I feel something similar to it towards Sweetheart specifically. I really want to dress like her so bad. I want to have a huge pink bow. I want to have long pink hair. I want a big puffy pink blouse and pink high heels. I want pink fingernails. I might not be opposed to dressing like some of her other outfits. Sweetheart is singlehandedly making me more feminine. And yes I am 100% certain I'm a cis male, she's lowering my masculinity anyways. I love her so much I want to be like her in some ways. If she were to be real and not kill me somehow I would want to be her greatest friend and do everything for her and if she'd let me, I would want to date and marry her too. Waaaaaaa I love her so fucking much how did a fictional woman who is an objectively bad person manage to do this to my brain who is aromantic. She singlehandedly turned me fictoromantic. I have so many thoughts about her being real and the things she would likely do to me and let's just say that despite what those Things would be I would Enjoy it. I am very very normal I promise I am so normal. And if both she and Molly were to be real. Well first and foremost I would love if they dated so my ship could be real because ahhhh they're so cute together but second of all if Sweetheart were to fit in my headcanon of her potentially being polyamorous, I would like to also date her. And since my fictoromantic crush only extends to Sweetheart, not Molly, and I also believe Molly to be a lesbian anyways, not bi, I would like to maybe just have our relationship (Molly and I) be best friends or qpr at best (I still really love Molly too but that's all platonic love. Not romantic like with Sweetheart) and we both date and marry Sweetheart maybe. And again I still do love Molly platonically, I would love to be her friend she's still my 3rd favorite fictional character of all time after all. Okay that's my crazy self-shipping rant over feel free to make fun of me because I am very aware that I am a bit insane about Sweetheart.

[tempestucus]

[ kristen stewart, cis-woman, she/her ] Look who just landed! L-EV1-77 / LEVIATHAN "LEVI", I sure hope you packed all you need. Perhaps you’re not worried as DETECTIVE of THE OVERSEERS. The city has plenty of spots for a 33 year old ANDROID like you. You’ll be known in the city soon enough as THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER, being DETERMINED and RUTHLESS. ( moth, 28, EST, removed for discretion )

THE BASICS

full name: l-ev1-77

nickname: leviathan or levi

date of birth: december 21st, 2372

gender: cisgender woman

pronouns: she/her

sexual orientation: lesbian

romantic orientation: homoromantic

current age: thirty three

modification: android

affiliation: the overseers

birthplace: new jakarta

current location: mawar district

occupation: detective for the overseers

known languages: english, japanese, indonesian

INSPIRATION

quote: "envy shoots at others and wounds itself"

label or archetype: the green-eyed monster- desire for something you do not possess, watching others imagining it were you, being dissatisfied in life

tropes: the femme fatale, grass is greener, work hard play hard, deadpan snarker, grew beyond their programming

media parallels: luv (bladerunner 2049), caitlyn (arcane), miguel o'hara (spiderman: across the spider-verse), harry hart (kingsman), makima (chainsaw man)

theme song: numb little bug - em beihold, o superman - laurie anderson, vampire - olivia rodrigo

PERSONALITY

positive traits: incisive, elegant, forthright, observant

neutral traits: determined, reserved, idiosyncratic, sarcastic

negative traits: cunning, calculating, inhibited, phlegmatic

peeves: blatant disobedience, inconsistency, dishonesty, failing to succeed, feeling inferior

fears: abandonment, losing her sense of self, existentialism, becoming useless, emotions

skills: persuasion, hand to hand combat, marksmanship, strategic thinking, sleight of hand, stealth, analyzing data, pattern recognition, strategizing, seduction

goals: understanding human emotions better, finding her purpose, learning more about her creator

APPEARANCE

faceclaim: kristen stewart

height: 5' 5" (165.09cm)

eye color: grey

hair color: dark brown

clothing style: elegant, classy pieces custom tailored to fit her perfectly. mostly dresses in black, white and green with gold accents. rarely seen in ill-fitting clothing to conform to the idea that is(or was) a perfect specimen.

jewelry: only wears gold jewelry. triple stacked geometric stud earrings in either ear, a simple chain around her neck, a ring in the shape of a snake on her left ring finger, and plain band on her right index finger. the earrings on her right ear can double as a communication device, while the ones on her left ear can act as a camera. the snake ring stores memory and the band is a collapsible scope.

tattoos: she doesn't have any tattoos, she wasn't designed with the intent to have any for personal or function reasons. silver, barely visible outlines of her vertebrae exist going from the nape of her neck to her tailbone.

marks/scars: none

modifications: her eyes flash green when she feels a strong emotion, originally added to her programming to monitor how much she experiences.

scent/fragrance: sandalwood and undertones of iron.

FAVOURITES

likes: nightclubs, museums, reading, games of cat and mouse, order

dislikes: lack of understanding, unpredictability, nostalgia (from her false memories), feeling alone

hobbies: stargazing, martial arts, journaling, chess, freelance engineering, electronic repair, fitness, knife throwing, origami, calligraphy, self defense, skincare, painting

habits: skincare routine, irregular sleep schedule, procrastinates on cleaning, writes in her journal every day, tends to take the lead, thinks before speaking, engages in risky behavior

one cherished item: a pair of earrings with the december birthstone, blue topaz - a gift from her creator

AESTHETICS

sight: black - nothing, the beginning

sound: a roar in the distance growing closer

taste: the salty iron of blood in your mouth

touch: the sting of scraping your knees on concrete

thought: a spotlight fixed on an empty stage

THE BACKSTORY

(suicide mention tw, death mention tw)

LIFE

l-ev1-77 8-2.5 was created with the sole intent of being a police detective. rogue androids plagued the streets, something needed to be done in order to keep things under control. a solution was developed: a seemingly remorseless individual programmed to specifically target these androids. combat skills were meticulously studied and researched in order to ensure high precision, resulting in an effective soldier.

her model was named for the demon leviathan, a name intended to ignite fear in whoever was unlucky enough to be her target. no, leviathan's coming to being was not a blessing, it was a curse. a curse cast on any android that dared to aspire to be something beyond what it was programmed to be. having her set upon you was an effective death sentence.

perhaps the first mistake was giving her the gift of intelligence, her software capable of adapting quickly and anticipating actions. as a result, leviathan also became aware of her surroundings and how different she was from the rest of the world. it was excruciatingly clear that she was not a being created to bring joys to life, she was to act with a cruel nature. not the most pleasant reason for one's existence, she noted after beginning to interact with the people around her.

to combat the innate intimidation that leviathan gave off when she was in a room, she was given her second gift: beauty. her creator created her with the looks of a model and clothes to mirror that, to make others less inclined to avoid her immediately. she was also given the gift of a golden tongue, programmed to be able to persuade most people with little difficulty. over her development, she slowly morphed into a seductress, easing information out of her targets before they even realized what she was doing.

DEATH

her creator passed in the year of 2400, just five years after leviathan's conception. she remembers attending the funeral, dressed all in black. it was raining that day, fitting for the dreary affair. she had been asked to speak at the service, but she declined publicly voicing her condolences. she did mourn the loss, yes, but what would she say? she couldn't put the loss of the person who created her into words.

after some time, she was told the manner of which her creator had died: suicide. she knew that her creator always considered leviathan a better version of themself; their flaws made nonexistent in her design. they had told her on several occasions how she was their perfect invention, the best thing they would ever create. she never thought that this perspective would lead to their death.

for the first time in her short life, she fell into a "depression". her creator had been her first friend, her parental figure, her confidant. she didn't know how to function without the person she had been closest with. so for weeks she lacked the energy to do anything, not leaving her apartment and taking leave from work. the former was frowned upon because androids "don't need time off", but was granted to her anyway due to her status.

eventually, she learned to go about her life again. it became easier to cope with the loss she had experienced, finding outlets by trying other activities that she had never given the time of day before. she went back to work as if nothing had happened and her coworkers never asked her about it. she was grateful for this, as she didn't care to explain that the death had affected her so. she wasn't supposed to be programmed with the ability to feel emotions, let alone sentimentality. one thing was different from then on: her eyes flashed green much more frequently than they had before.

[vlupshittous]

My gender conundrum:

I am a cis woman... most of the time. Occasionally I get a sense of body dysphoria but it's so rare for me that I'm not even sure it is dysphoria? It feels wrong somehow for me to claim that when it only happens like... once a year. But the feeling is like a sense of disorientation-- I feel confused when I look in the mirror because it feels like what I'm seeing isn't right-- paired with a feeling of envy that I'm not man shaped. Particularly handsome disheveled male grad student shaped.

The conundrum part is that as much as I want to BE the handsome disheveled male grad student, I also want to FUCK the handsome disheveled male grad student who is me.

I feel like it's also an important factor that the handsome male grad student came into being when I did drag one (1) time in 2020 and he has lived rent free and painfully discordantly in my head since then. It makes the situation so much worse when I literally have pictures of him (me) in my phone but it takes me hours to dress up like him and do my makeup, and I feel like like am ONLY dressing up like him, not that I'm becoming male me.

Idk it's so muddled in my head and I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate or shine some light on what I'm feeling here.

[timefriend]

i think the desire to be conventionally beautiful in accordance with the standards for women is never going to leave me. i am afraid that maybe i will never get over it and that i will spend decades of my life clawing at the walls of my cell . often times i think to myself "i wish i were a woman" although i do identify as a cis woman myself and i think it might be because of how estranged i feel from other women who are conventionally attractive. it might be due to a skewed perception of the world from being chronically online but i really do feel like being beautiful is a requirement to be considered a woman. or, in order to be treated like a person as a woman you must be beautiful. being an """ugly"""" woman gets you treatment that is so drastically different from women who fit standards that it feels like a different gender entirely. and i think it goes back to how the core foundation of Woman as a gender is a role that exists to center + please men aesthetically and through service.

and i feel truly awful sometimes because i am so, so, So filled with envy that im surprised it doesn't leak out my throat and through my teeth as a thick, green and venomous ooze. i feel like this envy keeps me from becoming proper friends with other women in my life. the turmoil that writhes deep inside my chest keeps me from truly connecting with other women in that even while we hang out and have a laugh together, im thinking "you'll never understand" in the back of my mind. sometimes the turmoil is the only thing coursing under my skin ! i feel such visceral resentment that they'll never understand even if it's not their fault. i know we're not supposed to compare ourselves to one another but it's so insanely difficult to do that in a world that is very much dependent on comparisons. like holy FUCK if i could have pretty privilege. oh my god i'd be unstoppable.

below is eating disorder / internalized fatphobia territory SORRY

the desire is so strong that i'm constantly flirting with the idea of eating disorders. being chubby my entire life has only made me hate it i have never once felt appreciated for being chubby. even though my boyfriend has always complimented me on my figure and thinks im hot im always afraid that a skinnier girl will catch his attention. i seldom bring that up bc i don't want to seem insecure but like all i've ever known is that people would rather starve than look like me even if i do have some boobs and some ass. like i'm just MID . it's still so difficult to think that my boyfriend finds me attractive. around skinny friends i always feel like i could have one slip up and then i'll be the fat one (derogatory). like when im on someone's good side im "thick" or i look "womanly" but i constantly feel like that is so so conditional. i have so much internalized hatred towards my appearance that i don't know how to unpack. everyday i feel like i need to get skinny as soon as possible and it feels synonymous with becoming beautiful. like the train of thought that i go through daily is like "once i am skinny i will be undeniably and unambiguously beautiful and i'll finally be able to wear whatever i want without my stomach pouch bulging out or my armpit fat peeking out of my tank tops and without fear of ridicule and without fear of being treated as lesser . and i'll finally finally be a normal woman" i think maybe the fucking socializing worked and now i have this parasite of gender hegemony that lives in my frontal cortex.

Sorry rant over i wanted to post these thoughts somewhere but im very whiny in this . but i hope someone can maybe relate