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deadcactuswalking · 4 months

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 27/01/2024 (Noah Kahan/Sam Fender, Benson Boone, Becky Hill/Sonny Fodera)

I think it’s this week that I’ve realised Noah Kahan might be a bonafide star. We’ll get more to it later, but “Stick Season” spends a fourth week at #1 - welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

As always, we start with our notable dropouts, which I define as songs exiting the UK Top 75 (read the FAQ) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40, and this week wasn’t too busy but it did come with some fair losses. Therefore, we bid adieu to “When We Were Young (The Logical Song)” by David Guetta and Kim Petras, “Stop Giving Me Advice” by Lyrical Lemonade, Jack Harlow and Dave (might be back next week given the album), “Won’t Forget You” by Jax Jones, D.O.D and Ina Wroldsen, assisted by a (bizarrely, credited) “donk” edit featuring The Blackout Crew, “One of Your Girls” by Troye Sivan, “Me & U” by Tems and FINALLY, “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift. It feels like it’s been there forever.

When it comes to our returns, we see the oddity of Sam Fender returning to #35 assumingly because of a boost to “Seventeen Going Under” that resulted from… well, you’ll see, but otherwise, we only have a handful of notable gains that, during a pretty dreadful-looking week, show some promise, and no, I don’t mean “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi somehow still here at #59, more so “Praise Jah in the Moonlight” by YG Marley at #51, “Scared to Start” by Michael Marcagi at #47, kind of grew on me, and “Nothing Matters” by The Last Dinner Party at #41… and less so “Toxic” by Songer at #32, please, let’s not do this, and on that same pleading note, “Alibi” by Ella Henderson featuring Rudimental at #26… why?! I suppose on a good note, Flo Milli is up to #17 with “Never Lose Me” and I can’t really complain about Natasha Bedingfield’s second wind at #13 with “Unwritten”, but it is majorly a mixed bag over here.

Our biggest story, however, rests in our top five, as “Homesick” by Noah Kahan debuts at #5, thanks to a version with Sam Fender who, surprisingly enough, is actually credited by the Official Charts Company, probably because, well, it would have no reason to as high as this without him. More on that later, but for now, it’s pretty standard elsewhere - Jack Harlow’s “Lovin’ on Me” at #4, “yes, and?” by Ariana Grande at #3, “Murder on the Dancefloor” by Sophie Ellis-Bextor at #2 and of course, Mr. Kahan still sitting at the very top. Now we have a… considerably unpromising set of new songs to discuss, so I guess we’ve just got to trek through that, and our starting point is…

New Entries

#75 - “Coal” - Dylan Gossett

Produced by Dylan Gossett

There aren’t that many new arrivals this week but the songs apart from one all fall into being either by singer-songwriter types or working as faceless EDM, and if you’ve been following this blog at all, you’d know those two styles really aren’t my thing, but hey, an independent folk singer racking up a streaming giant with a song from last year, notching him licensing with Republic, it could be promising in the same way I like Zach Bryan or even Oliver Anthony, who I assume we will never see again but appears as a recommended song in Mr. Gossett’s Spotify search terms. One has to wonder why and how but first of all, the elephant in the room: Diamonds aren’t made from coal.

I found several articles, both from sustainable energy advocacy outlets like TreeHugger and the people selling diamonds like With Clarity, clarifying that diamonds cannot really be made from coal. Coal is an impure carbon whilst diamonds are purer and whilst pressure is involved in the process, it is not a simple “one equals the other” sum, since coal has too much organic matter to be made into crystalline diamonds, especially since you can see vividly in the colour of rarer diamonds to what other chemicals may be found in them. Now I’m tempted to believe these articles as they’re backed by science, but if I’m wrong and these articles are just using words I don’t understand to spread a mythical debunking of an already existing myth that diamonds originate from coal, which is actually true all this time, then I’ll stand corrected. For now, the main conceit of this song, asking why under all this pressure, how the Hell he’s still “coal”, doesn’t really make much sense, and the rest of the song reads like listing off proverbs and sayings that fit the part but he doesn’t fully understand them or tie them together. Singer-songwriters are supposed to weave stories, when this feels like playing word association with common and universal wisdoms. For all of Oliver Anthony’s imperfect wording, at least you can tie them together to refer to a specific viewpoint, seeing where those views align, without becoming vague “woe is me” platitudes that don’t hold much reason for said pity, or really any narrative detail. You might see this as nitpicking but when it’s just a guy with a guitar, he opens himself up for interpretation and autopsy, possibilities he seems to willingly flail away by displaying disappointingly little to even work with, and as the song fills itself up with non-verses, as tightly as this kind of song can be produced without a particularly impressive vocal performance, one starts to wonder what the appeal in this even is. It’s a non-song, let’s move on.

#71 - “Incredible Sauce” - Giggs featuring Dave

Produced by Payday and David Morse

The #1 album this week was Green Day’s best album in decades. I have a full first-impressions review of Saviors on my RateYourMusic listening log (exclusivelytopostown) and whilst I understand that sales factor in here, I’d have loved for the only song here that bucks the categorical trends I laid out earlier to be a cut from that record. Instead, we have a Giggs song from last year that I’m honestly surprised has yet to chart already, given the Dave feature and that it was released in August of last year. Apart from the… choice of a name, I still don’t really know what level of quality to expect from Giggs, outside of a comical menace that emerges largely from his attempt to be “laidback” that can more accurately be described as an active coveting of his natural voice to sound much more relaxed than he really is, considering he’s never sounded comfortable with a flow he picks out, which becomes especially clear with Dave on the hook as he actually pulls off sounding effortless. Giggs’ delivery honestly reminds me of Dean Blunt’s satirical British rap project Babyfather more than anything, especially with the half-asleep cadences leaving so much dead air in this eerie, stagnant trap beat. The song doesn’t end with a piece of classic Dave wordplay, though he’s not on his A-game here comparing himself to Sonic the Hedgehog, it just ends with “Lingerie on a special occasion”… okay. That’s barely even a flex, why does it punctuate the track’s final moments? This is just another ugly showing of substanceless pretence from Dave over a pretty minimal beat with an absolutely worthless performance from Giggs, whose verses feel double the length and really halt any possible fun that could be had from Dave’s bite-size verse. Somehow, this ends up much like “Coal” - there’s just nothing here.

#39 - “Whatever” - Kygo and Ava Max

Produced by, well, Kygo

Speaking of nothingness, welcome back, Kygo and Ava Max… Jesus Christ. Okay, well, if anything is the saving grace this week outside of #5, it will be this.

I have just checked the sample credits, I have bad news. To delay the suffering, I will say that I kind of like the production here, the acoustics remind me of Avicii’s pretty seamless blend of folk pop with the anthemic festival house that defined much of his catalogue. Kygo has always been a detailed producer who pays much attention to ensuring his songs are as easy as possible on the ears, and he succeeds in the sense of this being a very pretty little tune with depths of cute synth pads, guitar rolicks and plucky percussion. Ava Max herself actually impresses me a tad here vocally, mostly because since this is a Kygo song, she can belt without clipping unnecessarily in the mix for once. However, and this is a big however, the main hook of the song, its crux, if you will, is a direct interpolation and rewording of the iconic melody to Shakira’s “Whenever, Wherever”, a 2001 single that debuted and peaked at #2 for two weeks in 2002 here in the UK, being kept off the top spot by Will Young’s double A-side of “Anything is Possible” and “Evergreen”. I can’t believe such a classic was blocked by not even Westlife, but a Westlife COVER, yet I digress, this is just a lazy and frankly obnoxious way of using the song’s chorus. Kygo is clearly dipping into the David Guetta pool of reskinning prior hits, and I will give it to him that he’s not just redoing a classic EDM track, this is largely a unique house single, but that may make the last-resort hook that much more disappointing. I’m disappointed in you, Kygo. Not you, Ava Max, you can just do whatever. Albania forever.

#36 - “Skin and Bones” - David Kushner

Produced by Rob Kirwin

Oh, we’re actually making David Kushner a thing, fantastic, that other song just had so much to offer, didn’t it? I feel like I can very quickly summarise this melodramatic, uber-serious noir piano ballad, deepened by some of the ugliest froggy-sounding snaps I’ve heard in pop music and only plunged further into sludge by Kushner’s insufferable lyrics, by just a stray observation. When I clicked on the Genius annotation for the first verse of this song, it was completely empty. At least to the first verse, there’s literally nothing there: an empty annotation box. It may just be a glitch on my part, or it was deleted for whatever reason, but regardless, I think this exemplifies how little this song has to offer: someone attempted to just touch upon the pretty self-explanatory first verse, attempted to offer some wisdom or deeper analysis that seems granted with the cinematic grandeur of it all, and couldn’t cough anything up. Once again, there’s just nothing here.

#34 - “Never be Alone” - Becky Hill and Sonny Fodera

Produced by Sonny Fodera

I mean… it has a pulse at least. In fact, this is much more interesting than I expected for Becky, and not necessarily in a lyrical front, simply because she does not need to do much more than recite boardroom word association over four-on-the-floor, but moreso with her vicious delivery, going into an attack that sounds like it was overpowering the mix before being blended a bit more clearly into the nostalgic breakbeat hardcore rhythm that punctuates a surprisingly long build-up into a… surprisingly unique drop. This is really just a flex show for Sonny Fodera here, but Becky stepped up to the plate to match his passion and energy, bringing more of a rough instinct to the trickling alien synth critter that grounds the 90s pads and rock-solid breakbeats into a killer pre-drop that genuinely took me aback, as did this drop, which completely ditches the breakbeats for a tense hardcore kick and more atmospheric, glitching pads that run through the mix like a spiralling staircase, as Becky’s vocalising becomes little more than an inhuman drone until it’s removed altogether. The intensity of the track, filling up the mix with padded quirks even when the breakbeats are relegated to simple fills, is genuinely unprecedented for Becky Hill, and I’m actually really glad that she is not only on hopping on much more effective and unique production, but stepping out of her comfort zone to riff and meander in a way that she never really lets herself do, even in her looser songs. I am honestly quite shocked, but this is fantastic. If this doesn’t smash like much of Becky’s tighter, more restrictive cuts have in the past few years, I will be immensely disappointed.

#18 - “Beautiful Things” - Benson Boone

Produced by Evan Blair

Sigh… one of my first thoughts when Kushner had success with “Daylight” was how much he seemed cut from the same cloth as Mr. Boone over here, and to be completely honest, the concept of the two charting the same week chased me in my worst of nightmares. Hey, at least my dreams have become reality! To be fair to Booner Boy here, he has what Khrushchev and Gossamer lacked: genuine lyrical detail in the verses. There is a certain dichotomy between the universalities of the choruses and pre-chorus compared to the pretty niche and incredibly lucky situation he’s found himself in during the verses, it almost reminds me of Tom Odell’s “Black Friday” given its wordy mundanity, but that’s only lyrically, as I don’t hear much here connecting the two sonically, especially given the faint bass and reliance on soaring guitars on “Beautiful Things” that makes it almost more of a pop rock tune, one that is surprisingly willing to ditch much of its initial build-up for a desperate screech over stop-and-start staccato guitar rhythms that go way harder than I expected. This is what I’ve been saying Lewis Capaldi should be doing for years, if these moan and drone singer-songwriter sadboys are going to have their voice fit over anything, it’s not basic adult contemporary swells, it’s melodramatic, no-holds-barred pop rock, and this honestly becomes pretty killer by that first chorus. The guy can let out a desperate cry, and I’ll be damned if he’s not convincing as he airs out his paranoia about this perfect relationship breaking down. The second chorus could use some deviation, but I’m a sucker for radio rock that takes itself way too seriously and considering his dire earlier material, this may as well be Mr. Boone: The Animated Series. I really want to hear more of this from this guy, and it seems that these last few songs may be the light at the end of the tunnel for an unpromising week.

#5 - “Homesick” - Noah Kahan and Sam Fender

Produced by Noah Kahan and Gabe Simon

Okay, it’s Noah Kahan: there is a base level of quality here and I am actually always excited to hear a new song from him because at least there’s always a lot to uncover and appreciate even if the song isn’t great or has some grating element throwing a spanner in the cogs. This is especially true with Sam Fender in play, as this raises the standard of quality to at least bearable and at its worst, it’s going to be an interesting and perhaps powerful narrative… and if we’re talking about lyrical detail, I mean, Kahan’s your man, almost too much so given some of the awkward wording in that original version from his Stick Season album. On hearing those church organs sliding just slightly off the careening heartland rock groove, I knew exactly why Mr. Fender ended up on this specific song, and this actually lets Kahan let out a little, have a little more fun as he vocalises playfully about his frustrations, delivered largely in the form of punchlines, about his slow small town, with the chorus being him breaking down and basically begging for a reason to grab him out of that place, even if it’s where he grew up, using an on-the-nose but still fun play on words with the term “homesick”. I do wish there was a bit more to its mid-section, it feels like it stagnates a bit once we reach the chorus for the first time, mostly structurally. I want to hear more of Kahan’s stray, funny observations, but we don’t really get more of that even with the ramped-up intensity and a guitar solo way too Weezer-coded for me to not get a stupid grin on my face.

As for the Fender version, well, this is the best-implemented anyone has been in these Kahan duets yet, given Fender brings a new verse giving a unique and personal story about the background of riots in northern England that informed his town, injecting further reason to why one may be Kahan’s form of “homesick”, but also, despite being more strikingly intimate and less darkly comic in his observations, finding a valid and heartfelt reason to live his life outside of that home town: the dreams his father set out for him lay far away from where they were instilled. It adds a lot of depth to the song, and whilst Kahan and Fender don’t play off each other incredibly well, they have a decent chemistry that from interviews with Dork and People seem to have arisen from very similar hapless upbringings and recurring topics in both catalogues. Additionally, I like Fender’s voice more than Kahan’s, and the harmonies fill out the mix so it’s a tad more impactful, so I think this new version actually beats out the original. I’m also pretty happy that this week, starting off with a lot of mediocrity and not exactly a promising set of artists for me, personally, ended up surprising me with that three-track run by the end, and trailing off with two killer rock songs is the best way to make me feel a lot happier about a week as a whole.

Conclusion

I’m relatively predictable, especially when we get alt-rock on the charts, so I feel like despite how much I liked the Becky Hill song, it’s no surprise that Benson Boone ends up snabbing an insanely close Best of the Week for “Beautiful Things”. It was pretty much neck-and-neck with “Homesick” by Noah Kahan and Sam Fender, which is of course the Honourable Mention, and whilst I think that it is lyrically more insightful, there’s an instinctual raucousness to the emotion in The Booney One’s track that just hits that bit harder. As for the worst, I mean David Kushner obviously gets Worst of the Week pretty much effortlessly with “Skin and Bones”, but I do think I was just frustrated enough with Dylan Gossett to grant his song “Coal” with the Dishonourable Mention. At least Giggs wasn’t trying to say anything profound, and if he was, then I sincerely worry for him.

What’s on the horizon next? God knows, it’s January, but Justin Timberlake has a comeback single, Tom Odell has an album, it may be the week of even more whiny white dudes. Story of my life. Thank you for reading and I’ll see you perhaps a bit earlier than next week.

#uk singles chart #pop music #song review #noah kahan #sam fender #benson boone #sonny fodera #becky hill #david kushner #kygo #ava max #giggs #dave #dylan gossett

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alltheselights · 2 years

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Matt Vines is absolute garbage and I would so love it if he went away forever. For someone who does do little, he thinks super highly of himself. And honestly, he doesn’t have a decent grasp of this fandom. The fact that so many of us that have stuck by Louis for years are just exhausted and tired and just do not care anymore. Like, I’m here for the new music, but have basically checked out of everything else, and that’s a result of the current faith in the future promo. What are they going to do when the only people that show up are purple hair stalker and her minions, because everyone else moved on? I hate Louis’ team so much.

I’ll give him this - he’s great at talking. Unfortunately, he’s not actually good at being a manager, his “strategies” are failing miserably, and he doesn’t have even half as good of a grasp of Louis’ fandom as he thinks he does.

I think one of the most frustrating quotes for me was this:

“We spend our life slowly re-educating people on who he is, to try and remove any preconceptions about what he might be, what he wants to do or even who he is as a person.”

That’s a great thing to think is important, and understandable considering Louis’ music and goals now are very different from when he was in a boyband. But have they actually attempted to re-educate people effectively? Let’s reflect on this supposed re-education and what talking points it actually consists of....

1) Louis was in One Direction. Did you hear? He was in One Direction. Louis was in One Direction and he loves the other boys and supports the other boys who never mention or support him publicly ever because HE WAS IN ONE DIRECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Btw he’s not as popular as a solo artist and is very much the underdog now that he’s not in One Direction. Former One Directioner Louis Tomlinson!!!! 1D 4 LYFE!! Hope they reunite soon hehe!

2) Louis is a father. Louis has a child!!!!! Freddie, yes, Freddie! Freddie lives in LA where Louis totally spends so much of his time because he is a FATHER. Father Louis and his son Freddie who he definitely hangs out with all the time and who he definitely had listen to his album first!!!!!! Oh, you don’t want to hear about a random 7-year-old in interviews that are supposed to be promoting an album? TOO BAD....FATHER LOUIS IS HERE.

3) Louis loves supporting other artists!!!! Louis loves other artists. Louis does everything he can to support small indie bands who rarely support him back and he will constantly praise more popular artists like Sam Fender whose high praise of him in return consists of “he’s a nice kid.” Louis is here to support other artists more than himself!! Here’s a playlist of all the artists Louis supports! Oh, he has a single to promote? Oopsies! We forgot to include that hehe.

4) Louis smokes and drinks. LOUIS LOVES SMOKING AND DRINKING!!!! Smoking and drinking is everything to him, fundamental to his being. Louis always has a cigarette or a drink in his hand, Louis chain smokes through every interview, Louis drinks before, during, and after every show. Isn’t it like, so so cool that Louis drinks and smokes? He’s so indie, he’s so rocker. No, you don’t get to listen to a performance of his song, but knowing he drinks vodka redbulls before a show should make up for that, right?

It doesn’t even matter if some of these things (excluding babygate) are true - Louis can drink and smoke and be proud of his past in One Direction, but when you make these talking points the centerpiece of almost every article and interview, that’s all people see of him. And sorry, but that’s not gaining him a single fan.

The “re-education” about him that they’ve engaged in, particularly in the UK, has only served to make others the focus of Louis’ promo (whether it’s the other One Direction boys, people from his personal life, or other artists) and prevent people from taking him seriously as a musician, songwriter, and performer. It’s not motivating anybody to check out his music, and that includes alternative and indie fans. Nobody is going to go listen to Louis’ album because they learn he smokes like a chimney or he enjoys listening to The Snuts.

And the sad thing is that if they actually just let Louis talk about his music and then perform it, if they let his music speak for itself through performances and radio play, it would make him thousands upon thousands more fans than all of these awful fucking interviews and print articles combined.

#asks

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28whitepeonies · 2 years

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Hi bea

Hope you're doing well. Do you have a ranking of all tracks for fitf yet? I am curious to know, if you are comfortable sharing of course. :)

Hello anon

Indeed I do, and if you don't mind I'll commentate my ranking choices because I haven't ever been succinct!

Silver tongues - I think this is potentially my favourite song he's made ever. I think that live experience really comes through on the very best songs

Written all over your face - a very, very close second. I live for the kind of snarky lyrics and early Arctic Monkeys vibe

That's the way love goes - I think this was done a bit dirty by the songs preceding it, I bought the 2 vinyl deluxe and I can only assume it was a deliberate choice to have D side with four quite slow, ballad-y songs but I think it didn't do this justice. Anyway, I love it, it is very reminiscent of the streets to me and I spent a while listening to nothing but a grand don't come for free as a teenager.

Chicago - won't hear any slander, it's a banger to belt out in the car, in the lift, in the shower, literally anywhere

Lucky again - Okay was interested in the changes between the leaked version and this, this version defo fits the album a lot better and the lyrics give me all the feels

Out of my system - wasn't my fave as a single but hearing it on the album I enjoy it more. It's short and punchy and I think the drumbeat will slap live!

The greatest - Great opener, not my fave but think it will be banging for live shows and does a pretty good job at setting the tone of the album.

She is beauty we are world class - the chorus reminds me a lot of The Killers - 'are we one or are we two/are we me or are we you'/'are we human or are we dancer'. It got a lot more interesting after the toilet story because I enjoy how very silly and British that feels, so it has moved up about 5 places as a result.

Holding on to heartache - I think if it was a tiny bit faster or louder I'd bump it up a few spots. Lyrically it's pretty great, the whole 'you say I wear it like a crown' it's just a bit slow and in my humble opinion had it been placed elsewhere on the tracklist I might have been more generous.

All this time - When it comes on I enjoy it, but I am liable to forget it exists otherwise so it gets a mid spot

Face the music - I want to love it for the line 'I don't wanna face the music but I still wanna dance with you' but it feels a wee bit cliche for me personally

Common people - How do you name a song after the banger that is that brit-pop classic and then release what is a lyrically great song but imo just way too slow? I think it could have punched you in the guts but it's more of a wet slap.

Saturdays - Every time I see the title I think of Sam Fender's song Saturday, and they share some similar themes - 'if Saturday don't come soon I'm gonna lose my mind/we used to say Saturdays take the pain away' and I wouldn't be surprised to hear that was part of the influence, it's just that I like Sam's song more.

Headline - We obv got the lyrics way ahead of the songs release and I expected this to go hard and be like noisy, which is obviously a me problem, but it didn't live up to expectations for me. It's fine, I love the way he sounds when he sings the second verse it's just not one I'll play on repeat

Angels fly - I think it's fine, I just don't connect to it a lot

Bigger than me - sorry but I think it's really boring, it's the only song I sometimes skip and in response pls enjoy my favourite scene from Gavin & Stacey

Two things to add overall

First is that I am of course a hater and more likely to comment on stuff I don't like than the opposite so I wanna be really really clear that I do actually really really like this album. There are a couple of things I think will change by LT3 and I am very very excited for tour and for what comes next.

Second, I am really excited to hear the live arrangements and wonder if he'll make any changes - one of my fave songs is Regretamine by Louis Dunford and on it's initial release it was a proper slow one but he really amped it up for live shows and it slaps so much more. Louis can perform his songs however he wishes to, but I am looking forward to hearing his set live because I think it is clear he has really crafted them with that in mind x

#anon #faith in the future #my ranking #at least just now #liable to change #lt2

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hella1975 · 2 years

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what r ur favorite albums

omg im literally staring at this trying to get a hold of myself so i can answer it in the most normal way possible but we all know that's gonna derail so quickly LET'S GO

- keep the village alive by the stereophonics

this album means the world to me. my mum isn't really into music in the way i am (aka she's normal about it) so she tends to find an artist/album she likes and just play them over and over again, and she got this album as a CD and it stayed in our car for an entire summer. so every single car journey was just this album looped like you'd go through the entire thing then bam right back to the beginning we go. for MONTHS. but i just loved it so much like i adore the stereophonics anyway but now this album just really vividly reminds me of home and that summer and my mother so it's just very <333 my fav songs on this album are into the world and mr and mrs smith

- wilder mind by mumford and sons

EXACT same hat as the above album in that it was one of my mum's Car Albums so it just got absolutely battered on repeat for months on end. we listened to it a lot on the school run when i was at secondary school so it's just very nostalgic in that sense, but mumford are also just one of my favourite bands full stop so this album is still one i come back to a lot. my fav songs on this album are believe, tompkins square park and snake eyes

- hypersonic missiles by sam fender

you knew this was coming. literally ZERO skips on this entire album and it's so beloved to my hometown friend group that it's almost an inside joke. still my fav of his two albums and the thing that sparked my all consuming love of one very handsome geordie. i've just never had an artist so perfectly capture hometown life and schooldays (particularly the state school experience) and that very specific brand of aching that comes when you grow away from it. literal masterpiece. my fav songs on this album are the borders, dead boys and leave fast

- carrie and lowell by sufjan stevens

this album is the reason im mentally ill. this album is what surgeons see when they cut me open to inspect my heart. this album is all i leave behind, my legacy, my muse, my love, my hate. NO skips and CONTINUOUS attacks against my frontal lobe. also i feel we're all very familiar with suffering stevens on this app but i really recommend listening to his illinois album too bc holy SHIT. my fav songs on this album are fourth of july (also possibly my fav song of all time), john my beloved and should have known better

- goodnight paradise by graveyard club

on the one hand i am constantly trying to push my graveyard club agenda but on the other hand the fact i discovered them when they had around 1,000 monthly listeners gives me SUCH a superiority complex. this album is so so good like i've always liked this type of music but it's never been a TOP favourite of mine, yet i've just been listening to this album for years and i never tire of it. my fav songs on this album are birdie, it hurts and deathproof

- kiddo by jessie reyez

this album used to be a whole personality trait for me like it was literally the only thing i listened to for MONTHS. i would also recommend jessie reyez's other music bc she is just crazy talented and also im ridiculously hopelessly in love with her. her music makes me feel very empowered and like i can go punch people so that's always good <3 my fav songs on this album are gatekeeper and blue ribbon

- what do you think about the car by declan mckenna

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he really did not pull his punches with this album like i LOVE zeros so much and i saw him in concert for the zeros tour, but wdytatc is just so sentimental to me. declan mckenna is very similar to sam fender for me in that he writes about stuff i recognise and also that me and my hometown friends seriously latched onto both of them to the point it's a Thing now. my fav songs on this album are isombard, paracetamol and brazil

#the only reason there's no lumineers here is bc i'd have to put their entire discography <3 #also it killed me that i couldnt put more here but it was getting long and if i didnt stop now i never would #so just fyi some runners up (aka they're still some of my fav albums i just didnt think of them in time for them to get on the list) are #melophobia by cage the elephant #an awesome wave by alt-j #bury me at makeout creek by mitski #stranger in the alps by phoebe bridgers #anddd fine line by harry styles #oh also pure heroine #fuck i cant stop #anyway there we go <3 #ask #music tings

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hozierandco · 3 years

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Sam Fender x Reader / call me lover

Friends to lovers. Lots of fluff.

Plot: Y/N and Sam have been friends for as long as they can remember but growing up has led them to grow apart. There are many things they have to tell one another.

The thing with kids is that they grow up. Too quickly, with too much silence surrounding them.

Sam was a boy, Y/N was a girl but to one another, they were just friends. They had known each other for as long as they could recall and had not doubted one second that they were just friends. Of course, there were the subtle questions from their parents, the hesitation when Sam would spend the night at Y/N's but their parents too knew it was just friendship.

Although they agreed that with all the secrets and trust they shared, they would be the best of couples, they thought it to be too pure to be broken.

Their friends too believed that it would inevitably happen, that they would end up together. Of all people, Dru was the most persistent on the matter. He had known Y/N for a longer time than Sam since Y/N's mother was the doula and a close friend to Drew's. Therefore, the two of them considered each other as siblings.

He liked to tease Sam to make him confess a crush he would have on Y/N. To no avail.

And then, there had been Y/N's first boyfriend when she was 15. At a time in his life when he was still playing Fifa in his room when he was not toying with his piano, he had to endure his best friend clung to her boyfriend's arm.

For the first time, he felt repulsed by the sight of Y/N but mostly by that of the Alex Turner wannabe her heart had fallen for. He began writing about love and deception though he had no reason to have known either.

Of course, the idyll was cut short with Alex Turner #2 coming back from summer camp without his virginity anymore, exploit he felt the need to share with the whole school.

Sam and Drew had come to Y/N's rescue the day at school and together, they had eaten pizza and waited for Y/N's tears to disappear. It was the world against them from now on, and nothing could change that.

Sam had worked his ass off to make Y/N proud and had done all he could for his A-levels. In spite of all the intensity and long hours of going over Horatio Nelson and the Boer War with Y/N, he gave up and started working in a pub. He was to be a musician, no matter what.

His fingers got crooked because of his guitar, his voice sore but at last, he was given a festival to play at. Drew would be there too of course.

As for Y/N, she had started working in an architect's office while studying at the local Uni.

Things got so fast. The kids grew and were soon overwhelmed with new responsibilities. Y/N had a new life for herself and Sam was about to tour before releasing his debut album. When he found out that a label had signed him up, the three friends along with Dean and Joe had screamed their lungs out.

It had come out of the blue that Joe fancied Y/N and it had also come out of the blue that Sam didn't like this turn of event.

The tour meant that they would not see each other for at least half a year as Sam's studio was in London. They had never been away from one another for so long so the day Sam left North Shields, it felt like the soil was crumbling under her feet.

Y/N informed herself of Sam's whereabouts through Dru as Sam didn't reply to her texts. Dru was regularly implying to his friend that he should call her every now and then, but he was always "too busy". Just like that, silent formed around them.

"Sam, call her", Dru begged one more time.

Sam sighed. He did not dare calling her, he felt as though he had let time rule his emotions. The more distance he put between them, the harder it was to think of something to say. Sure, he was busy but he always had been busy.

"You know what day it is today, don't you?"

Sam stared with round eyes at Dru.

"It's her bloody birthday, Sam. Just call her, okay?"

Dru had taken Sam's phone from his coat that was lying on the floor and forced Sam to take it.

Sam went to the room, right next to where he was and dialled Y/N's number, ending up on the voicemail "Hi! I hope that the voicemail just indicates that you're getting hammered somewhere and I also wish you a happy birthday. I'm sorry I didn't call earlier, I wish I could make it up to you. I miss you and I love you"

It was not until the message got sent that he realised what he had just said. Sam knew that opening up always led him to say too much and he couldn't take the risk to lose Y/N.

"What's wrong?" Dru asked when he saw Sam visibly agitated.

"I screwed up"

"You just had one call to make, how can you screw up a call?"

"I said something I shouldn't have. I told her that I loved her"

"As in I love you?"

"Yeah, I mean it's not something we say to each other"

"And do you? Love her?"

"Yes, Dru. I think I do. I think I always loved her"

"Well then, you haven't screwed up. You've just made things easier"

Days went by without a word from Y/N and Sam to pass time was playing with his phone a couple of times a day, not knowing what or if he should write to her. But then it got worrying, he feard that something had happened to her.

"D'you have news of Y/N?", he confronted Dru one night.

"She didn't say that she loves you back, huh?"

"She hasn't said anything at all, in fact. Is she alright?"

"That's odd. Yeah, she's fine, I just got a text from her, not even ten minutes ago. I can ask her to reach out for you if you want"

Dru is a magician as not only five minutes later, Sam's phone buzzed.

Y/N: Dru said you called on my birthday. My phone was off, you should have left a message... Sam: I did! You didn't listen to it? Y/N: I didn't get anything... Sam: Can I call you now? Y/N: No, not tonight. I'll call you tomorrow morning, good? Sam: Yes :)

Sam was not a morning person but he woke up as early as he could. He waited and finally she called. On FaceTime. She looked radiant, unlike him who severely lacked of sleep.

"Hey!"

Bring the tone down, Fender, Sam thought. You're gonna freak her out.

"Hi, sorry I couldn't call you yesterday. It's good to see you"

Just like that, one moving still of Sam was enough to have her mood lit up.

"So, can't make a voicemail work, huh?" Y/N joked around.

"I promise you, it worked. I don't know what happened but it's good I get to tell you like that"

"Tell me what?"

"Well, first that I'm sorry I've been an idiot lately. It's just that I've missed you so much and I wanted to see you and I couldn't stop thinking of you all the time"

An unfamiliar noise of a plate falling.

"Garlic's going on an adventure?" Sam referred to Y/N's cat that was known to be the clumsiest cat on Earth and that Sam had helped naming six years prior.

The distraction was much needed as Sam was blushing and it started showing on camera.

"Let me just go somewhere quieter"

As Y/N left her living room for her bedroom, Sam saw the silhouette of a man trying to assemble the splinters the plate had left behind.

"Sorry for that. What were you saying?"

"Nothing. I'm just sorry I didn't call you earlier and I hoped that you had a great birthday..."

"You sure there was nothing else"

"Yeah, yeah I'm sure"

The two of them chatted for another 5 minutes when the conversatio became awkward.

Y/N was certain when she hung up that Sam was about to reveal his feelings. And she would have let him. In fact, she would have revealed hers as well.

But Dan had to be in the way. Or was it Ian? Stan? Y/N had always done this. When she was thinking of Sam too much, she was collecting men to share the night with.

She never got attached to anybody but liked to wake up by a man's side.

A few weeks later, Dru called Y/N with good news.

"We've got some rest from the tour. We'll be at Shields for a month or so. I cannot wait to see you again, little sister!"

Y/N had set her mind to meet them at the train station from where she would get in the tour bus with them. Since Sam's aborted declaration, Y/N had not gotten any news from him and was not taking any.

When the van arrived and its doors opened, Dru ran to Y/N and hugged her "Ah, come here, you!"

There was a new face amongst the original team.

"Hi, I'm Lisa" the stranger introduced herself. By gazing that her hand was in Sam's, Y/N took a wild guess that the two of them were a thing.

"Nice to finally meet you. You're the 5th Beatle or so it seems. The boys could not shut up about you"

Y/N grinned at Dru and fainted a smile towards Sam. Unfortunately, she couldn't say as much for Lisa and blamed Dru to have kept it a secret.

Lisa was gorgeous, it was undeniable. Her posh accent had made the journey with her and contrasted with hers and the boys'. As long as Sam is happy, I'm happy, Y/N tried to convince herself as she got in the van.

"So, pub?" Dru asked. It was not even 5 pm but the idea seemed to everyone's taste.

"I'll join you later if that's alright. Joe, can you drop me off? I've got a few things to do before I join"

"You alright?" Dru whispered at her as he was seated next to her in the back of the van.

"Yeah, I'm fine" but as she answered, she stared a little too long at Lisa and her brown curls, her tanned skin and her perfect Julia Roberts smile.

"It's Lisa, huh? I don't like her either. Too posh for Sammy"

"I've never said I didn't like her"

"Then what?" Dru hesitated and then exclaimed "Oh!"

As he had nearly shouted, all of the boys and Lisa turned around to laugh at his looks of bewilderment.

Dru shushed himself down as his friends took the piss at him "Finally got the epiphany that you're ugly, Michael?" Dean mocked him.

As Dru brushed the joke and everything went back to normal, he went on with his whispering "You fancy Sam?"

Y/N simply nodded which got Dru leaning back in his seat, stirred by the confession.

"There, you go, princess" Joe stated as he had parked right in front of Y/N's flat.

They all greeted Y/N goodbye and agreed that they would see each other at 7. Sam did not dare looking at her in the eye. He knew he should have said something about Lisa but he had not come around it, why would he since she had her own life now?

As she opened the door, Y/N started tearing up a little, stunned by all the events. She seized her phone and sent a text.

By 6.15, the intercom rang. Y/N had changed into a wrap dress made of sequins and black heels.

"Hey!", she exclaimed to the man who was waiting by the door. This one was Chris, a chap she had seen some days prior. He reminded her of Alfred Enoch somehow with his chiseled jaw and round cheeks. Y/N didn't feel like being alone tonight and Chris was good company.

"Y/N, here!" Joe informed as he was in charge of getting a new round of drinks "By the table over there. Oh hi" he said to the stranger "I'm Joe"

Chris was by far the best-dressed man there as, clearly not familiar to pubs, he was wearing an open white shirt over brown chinos.

Dru and Tom made some space for Y/N and Chris to sit once Y/N had introduced everyone to her date.

The conversation was very much alive by 8 except for the fact that Lisa and Chris felt left out as it was all about childhood memories and family-related topics.

Sam was all eyes for Y/N. It was as though nothing awkward had ever happened between them and as though they were kids all over again.

In an effort to include Chris in the night's ambiance, Y/N asked him to dance with her. She hoped by that that she could get a reaction from Sam as dancing was THEIR thing.

At her birthday parties, they were always the two ones inventing silly dance moves on cheap Eurodance. As teens, they would always wiggle at gigs while the rest of the audience would look at them tenderly.

"I should get going. I've got a meeting in the morning" Chris let Y/N know as a song by Marvin Gaye ended. It was only 10 pm but Y/N didn't hold him back.

"C'mon, Sam. Invite her to dance, you're dreaming of it" Lisa rushed him. "She's your best friend after all"

What if he didn't want to be her best friend anymore?

Sam got up and joined Y/N. Tonight, he would tell her the truth. Not tomorrow, tonight.

"May I accompany you?"

"Yes, you may. Lisa's not into dancing?"

"I don't know but I'm into dancing with you"

"He's in love with her, isn't he?" Lisa asked Dru who had just ordered more drinks.

"Yeah, I think he is.. I'm sorry"

"Don't be, it's no big deal. Sam and I were just fooling around anyway. She's sweet, just what he needs"

"They just have to admit it now"

"So, Chris.. You two are together for long?" Sam asked.

"No, I mean technically we're not together. We've met twice with tonight"

"He seems nice"

"Yeah, I suppose. You and Lisa?"

"About the same: couple of weeks, nothing too serious"

"What did you mean to tell me last time?"

"Last time?"

"Yeah, you were saying that you missed me and all"

"Well, yeah. Touring without you sucked. I've missed you every fucking day. I want to be with you all the time. It's always been like that me and you"

"I missed you too, Sam"

The song had changed.

"What I'm about to say could ruin what we have but I just have to say it: I've always loved you, Y/N. It took me a whole ass tour to realise that. It's what I told you on the voicemail"

"I love you too, you idiot!"

Dru admired Lisa's ability to remain amicable even when she understood that Sam and Y/N had just confessed their feelings. He had judged her badly and saw what Sam had seen in her: a genuine goodness.

Sam was eager to kiss Y/N but had to make sure that Lisa was alright. He wanted more than anything else in the world Y/N and him to be together but he couldn't do it like that.

He turned around to Lisa only to see her kissing Dru. Sam shook his head and turned back on Y/N who was laughing at this sudden act of PDA.

Sam laughed along and then joined his lips to Y/N's.

#sam fender #imagines #fluff #friends to lovers

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howdon-aldi-death-queue · 3 years

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NEW SAM FENDER INTERVIEW FOR NME

THE BIG READ

Sam Fender: “This album is probably the best thing I’ve done in my life”

The hometown hero has distanced himself from the ‘Geordie Springsteen’ tag, but there’s no shortage of rites-of-passage yarns and colossal tunes on the upcoming ‘Seventeen Going Under’

“You can see the ghost of Thatcherism over there…” says Sam Fender, pointing across the water to a vacant shipyard, where once the shipbuilding industry was so healthy that vessels towered higher than the rows of houses on the shore. We’re on the waterfront in North Shields, just outside Newcastle, and our photographer is snapping away for Sam’s first NME cover shoot.

The singer-songwriter stares stonily into the lens as wafts of seaweed and fishing trawlers are carried by the northern coastal breeze. He’s already been stopped for a few pictures with fans, but remains eager to point out the impact that Tory leadership has had on his working-class town over the last few decades. “It’s been closed since the ’80s, from the ghost wasteland of the shipyards. You’ve got all the scars of Thatcherism from The Tyne all over to the pit villages in Durham.”

It’s as good an introduction as any to the outspoken musician, whose 2019 debut album ‘Hypersonic Missiles’ was a record for his sleepy hometown to be proud of – tackling themes that range from male suicide (the heartbreaking ‘Dead Boys’) to world tensions (and the “kids in Gaza” he eulogised on its soaring title track). He set weighty topics against blisteringly well-executed Americana with the fist-in-the-air euphoria of Bruce Springsteen’s colossal choruses and sax solos. Much like his hero, Sam smartly weaves his own political standpoint and personal circumstance into gripping anthems of a generation, which earned him the ‘Geordie Springsteen’ tag.

“I can’t exactly bat off those comparisons, can I?” he says back in his cosy recording studio nearby. “At the same time, I don’t feel worthy of that tag. The first time I heard it, I was like, ‘That’s fucking sick’, but you don’t want to be riding off the coattails of The Boss for the rest of your life. I can write my own songs, they’re different and my voice doesn’t sound anything like Springsteen’s. I don’t have his growl; I’m a little fairy when I sing.”

He may have toned down the Springsteen vibes slightly on his highly anticipated second album ‘Seventeen Going Under’, due later this year, but there are still plenty of chest-pounding anthems capable of making your hairs stand on end: “I much prefer Americana to the music we have in our country at the moment. I love the leftfield indie stuff like Fontaines D.C, Squid and Black Midi, but I love a chorus and melodic songs. I think the American alternative scene has that down with Pinegrove, Big Thief, The War On Drugs.”

‘Hypersonic Missiles’ thrummed with a small town frustration almost that every suburban teenager could surely relate to. This was most notable on ‘Leave Fast’, where he sang about the “boarded up windows on the promenade / The shells of old nightclubs” and “intoxicated people battling on the regular in a lazy Low Lights bar”, a reference to his beloved local. But album two sees him fully embrace North Shields, an ever-present backdrop to cherished memories and harrowing life events of his youth and surroundings.

It’s no coincidence that the 27-year-old has turned inwards and penned a record about his hometown while being stuck at home like the rest of the country: “I didn’t have anything to point at and I didn’t want to talk about the pandemic because nobody wants that – I never want to hear about it again. It was such a stagnant time that I had to go inwards and find something, because I was so uninspired by the lifetime we we’re living in.

“I’ve made my coming-of-age record and that was important for me – as I get older, these stories keep appearing; I’ve got so much to talk about. I wrote about growing up here. It’s about mental health and how things that happen as a child impact your self-esteem in later life. On the first record, I was pointing at stuff angrily, but the further I’ve gotten into my 20s, the more I’ve realised how little I know about anything. When you hit 25, you’re like: ‘I’m fucking clueless! I know nothing about the world.’ It was a humbling experience, growing up.”

Early last year, before the pandemic hit, Sam was set to jet off to New York pre-pandemic to record in the city’s infamous Electric Lady studios founded by Jimi Hendrix. “Looking back, I’m thankful that it happened,” he says. “If I went off to New York and did my second album there… it wouldn’t have been the same record. I will go and do the third one in NYC, come hell or high water – I’m fucking out of here!

“The forced return home really informed the direction [of the record]. I was on the crest of this insane wave; we’d sold out 84,000 tickets for the [‘Hypersonic Missiles] arena tour that we still haven’t played yet. I’m still waiting to hear when it’s going to be rescheduled. It’s incredibly frustrating; I’ve got loads of frustrated fans. That was all cancelled on the day of the lockdown. I thought it was only going to be a couple of months and that it would be another swine flu thing, but fool me – I was stuck in the house like everybody else.”

It’s not the first setback that Sam has dealt with in his career. In the summer of 2019, he was ready to make his Glastonbury Festival debut with a Friday afternoon set on the legendary John Peel Stage, a rite of passage for any emerging artist, but had to pull out due to a serious health issue with his vocal chords. The mood in the room shifts dramatically at the mention of this devastating period: “I don’t want to focus on that, to be honest, because it’s just negative news and it’s in the past.”

“The further I’ve gotten into my 20s, the more I’ve realised how little I know”

Looking back now, he says, it was a tough decision, but ultimately the right thing to do: “We were doing so much at the time and I just burnt out. If you damage your vocal cords, you can’t take it lightly. If something happens like that and you keep going, you’ll fucking lose your career forever. I never want to end up behind the knife; I just refuse to put myself in that situation.”

The fact that his 2019 breakthrough ground to a halt again in COVID-decimated 2020 “was frustrating as fuck”, he says, “but I took solace in the fact that everyone was stopped in their tracks that time; it wasn’t just me.” This was in stark contrast to the singer’s experience of pulling the biggest moment of his music career in order to rest his vocal cords: “I didn’t talk for three weeks; I had to be silent and just watch Glastonbury on the TV, going, ‘This is completely dogshit’. But you can’t even say that out loud – you’re just saying it over in your head like a psycho. I’d take a pandemic over that any day.”

There was a brief flash of light when he headlined the opening night at the world’s first socially distanced arena, Newcastle’s Virgin Money Unity venue, to an audience of 2,500. Yet Sam’s not in the mood to wax lyrical about that, either. “It was amazing,” he says, “but it didn’t happen again.” A local lockdown in the North East brought the following shows – which would have featured Kaiser Chiefs and Declan McKenna – to a premature end in September: “It was another false start. We thought everything was going to get moving again but then we were just sat around [again].”

As for this reaction to the Government’s handling of the pandemic? It perhaps says it all that he’s selling face masks emblazoned with the words ‘2020 Shit Show’ and ‘Dystopian Nightmare Festival’ on his website. “I think everyone has said enough haven’t they?” Sam suggests. “I never want to see Boris Johnson’s or Matt Hancock’s face ever again. As soon as they come on the TV, I just turn it off.”

Political tension bubbles through ‘Seventeen Going Under’. Its second half boasts tracks such as ‘Long Way Off’, a brooding but colossal festival anthem brimming with angst and unease. “Standing on the side I never was the silent type,” Fender roars, “I heard a hundred million voices / sound the same both left and right / we’re still alone we are.” It’s gripping stuff; a Gallagher-level anthem ripe for pyro and pints held aloft.

Sam says the song is about feeling stranded amid political divisiveness here and in the US, epitomised when Donald Trump supporters stormed the Capitol in Washington back in January: “You’ve either got right-wing, racist idiots or you’ve got this elitist, upper-middle-class section of the left-wing, which completely alienates people like myself and people from my hometown.”

“The polarity between the left and the right has me feeling like I have no identity”

Closer to home, the last UK election, in 2019, saw the so-called ‘Red Wall’ crumble as working-class voters in the north defected from Labour to Tory. “The polarity between the left and the right has me feeling like I have no identity,” Sam says. “I’m obviously left-wing, but you lose hope don’t you? Left-wing politics has lost its main votership; it doesn’t look after working-class people the way that it used to. Blyth Valley voted Tory just north of here. Now, that is saying something! We’re in dire straits when a fucking shipbuilding town is voting for the Tories – it’s like foxes voting for the hunter.”

He’s even seen his own working-class friends peel to the blue side: “I’m like, ‘What the fuck is going on?’ I understand it, though. I’d never vote for the bastards because I fucking hate them and I know what they’re up to, but I get why people don’t feel any alliegiance to left-wing politics when they’re working-class.”

As ever though, Sam isn’t masquerading as an expert: “I’m not fucking Noam Chomsky, you know what I mean? I’m not going to dissect the whole political agenda of the Tories and figure it all out because I can’t. All I see is a big fucking shit sandwich – every day through my news feed – and it’s just, ‘Well: that’s what your dealing with.”

The singer is fond of describing North Shields as “a drinking town with a fishing problem”. Today he adds: “That’s been the backdrop of my life: all of these displaced working-class people. It’s a town that’s resilient that still has a strong sense of community. In a lot of big cities that’s dead. In London everything changes from postcode to postcode, but everything is quite uniform up here.”

When NME was awaiting Sam’s arrival outside the studio before the interview, a passerby clocked our photographer’s gear and asked, “Oh aye – are you waiting for Sam? We all know Sam – a good lad; very accommodating with nae airs or graces about him.” Another pointed to The Low Lights Tavern down the road, where Fender used to pull pints on the weekends: “He was a terrible barman, and he’ll be the first to tell you that. I think he got sacked about six times during his time there.”

Sam (who confesses of his bartending know-how: “He’s totally right!”) hit the local to celebrate when ‘Hypersonic Missiles’ won him a Critics’ Choice gong at the BRIT Awards in 2019, placing the trophy on the bar. “I owed The Low Lights one for being such a shit barman,” he says. “I wanted them to be proud of us because they fucking certainly wasn’t proud of us when I was around working there!”

“Celebrity stuff freaks me out. I’d rather just live my life”

He’s clearly a key member of the local community, then. How did he see the pandemic impact on his family and friends – especially when the North East faced the toughest Tier Four lockdown restrictions last December? Sam pauses before bluntly saying: “I lost more mates; there was suicides again. Mental health was the biggest thing. We lost friends who had drunk too much.”

A track on the new record, ‘The Dying Light‘, is an epic sequel to ‘Dead Boys’, with the poignant last line of the album ringing out “for all the ones who didn’t make the night”. Sam, unable to truly distance himself from The Boss after all, explains: “It’s very Springsteen. It’s my ‘Jungleland’ or ‘Thunder Road’ – it’s got that ‘Born To Run’ feel; there’s strings and brass [and] it’s fucking massive. It’s a celebration. It’s a triumph over adversity.”

He stresses that it was vital for him to be in regular contact with his friendship circle through that traumatic time: “It becomes important when you lose friends to suicide… You realise it’s always the unlikely folks. We lost a friend to suicide at the beginning of last year and it was someone you’d never expect. It really hits home; it’s important to check in on your mates.”

Sam has alluded in previous interviews to a health condition that he’s not yet ready to fully disclose, and tells NME that he spent three months shielding at the beginning of the pandemic: “I was alone for three months and that was very tough… When you’re completely alone and isolated, it’s impossible. I spent a lot of time drinking and not really looking after myself and eating shit food, but I wrote a lot of good lyrics.”

There’s a certain resulting bleakness to some of his new songs, but Sam also wanted light to shine through. “It’s a darker record, but it’s a celebration of surviving and coming out the other end,” he explains. “It’s upbeat but the lyrics can be quite honest. It’s the most honest thing I’ve done.”

You might expect a young hometown hero to rail at having been denied the chance to capitalise on his burgeoning fame in the last year or so, but Sam insists, “I still have imposter syndrome,” adding: “I don’t feel like it’s happened… I’m walking around the street and people ask for photos and it just feels bizarre. I’m like, really? I feel like I haven’t come out of my shell yet.”

Sam has rarely been one to court celebrity, and revealed in 2019 that he’d turned down the chance to appear in an Ariana Grande video. “It was an honour but I would have just been known as that guy in the video,” he tells NME. “All of my mates would have been flipping their heads off, but I don’t think she would really want an out-of-shape, pale Geordie. I’d rather just live my life, because all of this celebrity stuff freaks [me] out, you know?”

He might have to get used to it: things can only get bigger with the arrival of the new album. “As a record I think this one is leagues ahead [of ‘Hypersonic Missiles’],” he says, “I’m more proud of this than anything I’ve ever done. It’s probably the best thing I’ve done in my life. I just hope people love it as much as I do. With the first album, a lot of those songs were written when I was 19, so I was over half of it [by the time it was released]. Whereas this one is where I’m at now.”

“This is a dark record, but it’s a celebration of surviving and coming out the other end”

Still, he adds: “At the same time, this record is probably going to piss a lot of people off.” He’s referring to a line in one of the more political tracks, ‘Aye’, where he returns to his most enduring bugbear, divisiveness, and claims that “the woke kids are just dickheads”. Sam’s no less forthcoming in person: “They fucking are, though! Some 22-year-old kid from Goldsmiths University sitting on his fucking high horse arguing with some working-class person on some comments section calling them an ‘idiot’ and a ‘bigot’? Nobody engages each other in a normal discussion [online] without calling each other a ‘thick cunt’.”

He’s eager to make this statement, though, come what may: “I don’t fucking care any more. I’m not really sure how the reaction is going to be. People used to say things online about me and I used to get quite hurt about it, but now I’m like, ‘Well, they’re not coming to my house’… [But] I get so angry. In Newcastle we say ‘pet’ and someone was trying to tell me that was fucking offensive towards women. You’re not going to delete my fucking colloquial identity. It’s not even gender-specific; we say it to men and women. My Grandma calls me ‘pet’! That brand of liberalism is fucking destroying the country. We could be getting Boris Johnson and all them pricks out of office if we stopped sweating over shit like that”.

Sam might be outspoken, but he’s self-aware, too. When we were talking politics earlier, he said: “I didn’t want to start on ‘cancel culture’ because I don’t want to sound like Piers Morgan [and] I fucking hate that cunt. But there is a degree of it which lacks redemption; people fuck up. Everyone is a flawed character. If you’re not admitting that you have flaws, then you’re a fucking psychopath. The left-wing seem to be that way and the right-wing are fucking worse than they’ve ever been. Politically I have just lost my shit.”

In all of this uncertainty, though, it seems a sure thing that Sam Fender will take his rightful crown – as soon as the world lets him – with the colossal ‘Seventeen Going Under’. “It’s going to be a hell of a return,” he insists. “I know the fans are still there, you know? So I’m not really worried – I’m ready to go out there and do my thing. Finally!”

#sam fender #majestic interview #some important points were raised #loved when he said that he hates the 'celebrity façade of things'#long post

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essercipertuttienonperse · 3 years

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@clothlog tagged me to do this tag game thing, thank you love!💞 and since I'm trying to postpone having to get up from my bed to shower, here it is kdjdk

nickname: the only one I have is "memi" (pronounced "me" like in merlin and "mi" like in ministry) and that's how my dad calls me

zodiac sign: Capricorn

height: 177cm

last thing I Googled: merlin pronunciation dkjdkf

last movie I've watched: mmh I don't remember so I'll go with TV show and that's ted lasso and we are lady parts! (both very good!)

favorite musician: *looks at my pfp* mmmh ... sjjdjs no but apart from him I also like hozier, fka twigs, Taylor swift, the 1d guys together and solo (including zayn obvs) Sam fender, halsey (really loving her new album), some of marina's stuff, phoebe bridgers, and I'm going through muna's music recently (oh and Abba and Bonnie Tyler!)

song stuck in my head: new Americana by halsey

other blogs: none that's currently active :(

blogs following: blogs I follow? idk around 600 I think

amount of sleep: TOO LITTLE

favorite number: 7

what am I wearing: white t-shirt with blue horizontal stripes, shorts that are like made with sweatpant material? idk what they're called, and a black hoodie

dream job: pffff too many 😔 I just hope I'll be happy

dream trip: too many again😭( why do we have so little time in this life!!!) but among those I think my main ones are Iceland, Greece, the amalfi coast and Sicily, New Zealand, the US west coast

language: Italian, English, I learned Spanish in middle school but I've forgotten most of it unfortunately :( and I guess I learned Latin in high school? does it count djgj

favorite food: again, too manyyyy

instrument: I knew how to play the flute in middle school so I can read music but that's about it sjgj (I'd love to learn how to play guitar tho)

favorite song: ahh it changes every week, I think this week it's sugar sugar by the Archies lol very random

random fact: I don't have tonsils because they were removed when I was a kid when they got inflamed 😌

I tag @aliensyndrome @bluelightsaber @dependsonwhospitching @aflowersblossom @cloudslou @iqraars @paperwine @chrysopon @home-compass @homosociallyyours @killmygoldenn @orangesunbeam @sonofaraven @halo-the-brave <3

#ok now i will go shower sjdjdk #tag things

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stylesnews · 3 years

Link

A year ago, the guitar was in dire straits. With songs like Travis Scott’s “Sicko Mode,” Ariana Grande’s “7 Rings,” Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts” and Panic! At the Disco’s “High Hopes” among the most consumed of 2019, programmed beats and horns were the sonic flavors of popular music. Sure, there were outliers — the Jonas Brothers’ “Sucker,” Maroon 5’s “Memories” and Post Malone’s “Circles” among them — but as the rock and alternative genres embraced artists like Billie Eilish, whose innovative music made the traditional band approach feel outdated, the days of chords and solos seemed numbered if not headed towards irrelevance.

Then came the coronavirus pandemic and things changed. Forced to perform from home or in rooms not intended for live music during lockdown, many artists went back to basics and out came the trusty six-string. For iHeartRadio’s “Living Room Concert for America” in March, Foo Fighters’ Dave Grohl played an acoustic Guild on “My Hero”; Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day strummed to his band’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”; and even Eilish, with her collaborator brother Finneas, sang her hit “Bad Guy” accompanied by only a Fender acoustic. Other benefit livestreams like Global Citizen’s “One World Together At Home” event saw the Rolling Stones, Keith Urban and Shawn Mendes strip down their hit songs for unplugged versions. And in April, Miley Cyrus delivered an emotional cover of Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” on “Saturday Night Live” with Andrew Watt, himself a COVID survivor, on guitar.

At the same time, there was an electric guitar solo being heard on one of the most-played songs in the United States. Harry Styles’ “Adore You,” which has logged 1.1 million radio spins in 2020, according to Mediabase, and has been streamed more than 400 million times, per Alpha Data, features the playing of Kid Harpoon (real name: Tom Hull), Styles’ friend and producer, who handled the guitar parts for much of the Brit’s excellent “Fine Line” album, released in Dec. 2019. As it turns out, the melody of the solo, which also serves as the bridge to “Adore You,” was first hummed by Styles for Hull to emulate. “I did it with my mouth into a microphone,” Styles told Variety in October. “And then Tom sent me this video trying to get it to sound the same. He spent a couple of hours getting it.”

Why include a guitar solo when most pop songs would never dare? “I feel it’s kind of like ‘La La Land’ saving jazz — only for rock ‘n’ roll,” Styles cracked when posed with the question. But more seriously speaking, Variety‘s Hitmaker of the Year added: “I’m not a spearheader of the movement, like, ‘Let’s bring back guitars.’ There’s plenty of times when [a song] doesn’t sound better with a guitar, and you don’t use it. But a lot of the references I grew up with have guitars; and it’s the first instrument I played, so it makes sense that I would like the sound of them more. I don’t think the guitar is dying. Guitars are great and always have been.”

In fact, guitar sales in 2020 have been robust. Music retailer Sweetwater reports more than 50% year-over-year growth in guitar purchases, with even larger increases during the peak COVID months of April, May and June “when customers most likely hunkered down to practice and create music after watching all of the streaming video they could handle,” according to a rep for the Indiana-based company.

The spike extended to other string instruments as well, which saw growth of more than 70% year-over-year in the price range of $299 or lower. The metric indicates that “new players are joining the fold,” says Sweetwater, which has been in business for over four decades and operates online. (Competitor Guitar Center, with more than 250 physical locations in the U.S., did not fare as well, filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection last month.)

Even in the virtual world, learning to play an instrument has taken off during lockdown. The platform Yousician, which provides interactive learning for guitar, bass, ukulele, piano and voice, currently reigns as the No. 1 app for music instruction while its sister product, GuitarTuna, is tops for guitar tuning.

Ask current writers and producers working in pop and hip-hop about their process and you soon learn that an acoustic guitar is often the beginning or the essence of a hit song. Among Variety‘s 2020 Hitmakers, the trio of Taz Taylor, Charlie Handsome and KC Supreme credited a guitar loop as the foundation for Trevor Daniel’s “Falling.” For Maren Morris’ “The Bones,” producer Greg Kurstin noted: “The first thing I noticed was Jimmy Robbins’ guitar hook; I wanted to keep the song rooted in that.”

“So many hit songs from 2020 started with a acoustic or electric guitar, whether it be a melody line or simple progression,” says songwriter and producer Jenna Andrews, whose recent credits include BTS’ “Dynamite” and Benee’s “Supalonely.”

And often, those guitar-based foundations remained through the finished product — for instance, 24KGoldn’s “Mood,” with its impossibly catchy sun-kissed guitar riff, and Powfu’s “death bed (coffee for your head).”

“I know it sounds kinda old school, but I love it when a well-recorded acoustic pops off on the radio,” says Sam Hollander, whose hits include the aforementioned “High Hopes” and Fitz and the Tantrums’ “HandClap.” “The bulk of my songs tend to be born on guitar. Without that foundation, the lyrics and melodies never really emote the heartbeat and emotion that I’m trying to dial in. There’s just a general warmth to it that’s hard to replicate. It’s like the warmest chocolate chip cookie.”

“I think the prevalence of guitar in 2020 has a lot to do with hip-hop producers using more emo and punk-rock influences,” offers Angie Pagano, whose AMP management company represents Tommy Brown (Ariana Grande, Blackpink) and Mr. Franks, among others. “Juice Wrld really helped bring this into the mainstream over the last few years. We’re seeing a great blend of emo and trap these days.”

Indeed, the year’s most-consumed hits leaned hip-hop — Roddy Ricch’s “The Box” landed at No. 1 on the Hitmakers list with Future and Drake, Jack Harlow and Megan Thee Stallion in the Top 10 — but even DaBaby’s “Rockstar,” the No. 3 song of the year, referenced a guitar in its chorus, albeit alongside mention of a Glock pistol. That visual may go against what Hollander calls “the Kumbaya vibe of the guitar,” but the song still features an acoustic strum at its core.

In the case of Styles’ 2020 successes, which also include the ubiquitous “Watermelon Sugar,” his producer further explained that, while aware of what was reacting on the charts at the time they were recording, Styles wasn’t about to chase the trends. Said Tom Hull: “We [thought], we can’t play the commercial game in terms of what’s happening right now. What we can do is make music that really resonates with us. There’s no blueprint. You just have faith. We love records from the ’70s and ’80s; weird prog rock music that might be a seven-minute instrumental; then you’re listening to Shania Twain, like, ‘This is awesome, too.’ The goal was to make something we will always love, and if it completely flops commercially, at least we know we love it. We have that.”

#harry styles #jan21 #variety21

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seasurfacefullofclouds1 · 3 years

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But there is a truth...walls isnt for radio and in fact it wasnt (also cause he hadnt promo sure) but also because the music wasnt commercial you know. And for US... it's late for louis to be market there he tried but for US you need physic presence you need sexy body sexy face (harry styles type you know 🙄) but also you cant only sing there examples: have to take part in jokes on tv, karaoke. To me it's late for him also cause if after 5 years in oned and 4 years as solo he couldnt smash how can now? close to 30? i think too he should focus on uk. And for the others things they said about no have a LT3...i really hope LT2 will go good because media and gp give so much importance to second album and if LT2 will go as walls or worse i will really sad about him, the sophomore album is important he needs good promo

Ugh please. I can’t start to address these points one by one because we are arguing on their fucking stupid terms, with end goals defined by their queerbaiting hungry idol and besotted fans.

You don’t need a billion streams to be a successful artist. By that definition, a “professional, viable musician” is 0.0001% of all the musicians that exist. So all the rest are losers?

The truth is the top 50 Spotify artists in the world are there because they are manufactured. Some are more talented, others are less. None of them are guaranteed longevity, least of all Harry Styles who is flashy and omnipresent, has a good writing and production team, but still makes music of diminishing quality over time.

Walls “isn’t for radio.”

What are you talking about? There are more indie albums being played on radio everywhere. All over the world, even in the United States. Check your ears. More indie bands than Louis are played all over Britain. Oasis — “a dated sound”— is played. Liam G is played. The Lathums are played. Sam Fender, Paolo Nutini, Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus, Angel Olsen, Mitski, Perfume Genius, Fleet Foxes... all are less radio friendly. All are played on radio. Some of these people are way older than thirty. They don’t have Louis’ fanbase or fame. Still played. Still able to be requested.

We’ve gone over the reasons that Walls singles weren’t on All Access, were not promoted on All Access, were not allowed to be played when fans requested it on radio, Louis wasn’t allowed to do festivals when the organizers asked, wasn’t allowed to accept the MTV EMA award in person, could not accept the iHeart Breakout Artist award in person. What is it about Louis’ sabotage that is not getting through to people?

Four years as a solo artist... with one album because Louis’ presence and music were held back (despite what @portraitofalarryonfire says, there is more than enough evidence of it), and — as Louis himself says— no radio or label support. Today the album gained 400 million Spotify streams (5 months to get to 2 million, 4 months for the next 100 million, 3 months for the next 100 million... so streams are growing). It isn’t setting any benchmarks, for sure, but what professional musician would call this number poor? Louis has over 1 billion streams to his solo name, over 5 years. Again, how is that a benchmark of poor performance?

Louis has finally been played on Most Requested Live these last six weeks, and Louies have been competing with the most active fandoms in pop music. You’ll notice that Larry UAs get Golden played on iHeart even though it has never won.

Why is that? Because Harry doesn’t get enough radio play, as is? Or because iHeart has an agreement with Sony to play this song during MRL, even though Golden is nowhere near the top ten? Look, Defenceless never gets played even if it’s second or third— it must win. This is not a problem for Harry, though. Weird algorithm during those MRL hours, isn’t it!

Still, Defenceless’ winning and being played six weeks in a row, even though Louis is nowhere active, and the album is a year old, must be a sign— as you say— that his music career is doing poorly, right?

“He should focus on the UK.”

Great strategic thinking! Why didn’t Louis or his dumb team think of that? Why are they so ... stupid? It’s almost as if fans are smarter than professional teams. Let’s give them some pointers! Louis’ team just can’t see what Harry or Niall are doing, the stuff that we fans seem to see so clearly. Gosh, Louis’ team and Louis must be really, really blind, eh? Having done music professionally for close to ten years, yet they can’t come up with a better plan than fans. They suck even worse than bands that are starting out.

Maybe... just maybe... Rads are right, and Louis has had restrictions because people with greater power don’t want him to succeed (here is where portraitofalarryonfire says — “He pissed people off. Not Harry.”). I mean... that’s a giveaway, isn’t it? Not Harry. Why would Harry want to take away competition, when everyone else in the business can see it? When in actuality this is what he does, what people who work for him do, how people associated with him professionally feel about Louis?

Think about what you’re hearing, and what their agenda is.

#portraitofalarryonfire #Larries #Rads #harry styles #louis tomlinson

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whats-rambled-rambled · 3 years

Text

Long Nights - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Eddie Vedder - Long nights

I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--

For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)

I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.

So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.

And I found it.

The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.

//Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before//

That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.

//Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground//

Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?

Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe

I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).

I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.

//You shut me down, you like the control

You speak to me like I'm a child

Try to hold it down, I know the answer

I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me

I tried to play it nice but

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't kill my vibe

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't break my stride//

To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.

//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//

That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.

Tom Grennan - I might

To me, it’s another character introduction song.

//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//

....you already know what I’m getting at, right?

//Don't want no one taking up my time

Staying on my mind, changing up my life

Don't want no one messing up my bed

Fucking with my head, it's no lie//

That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.

There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)

//But when you look at me like that

I might//

See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.

Kings of Leon - Find me

That’s more chapter-specific.

//I really wanna know your name

See your face, know who you are, who you are

How did ya find me, how did ya find me?

What are you looking for, are you looking for

How did ya find me how did ya find me

Up in the shadow, picking up my load//

I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.

American Authors - I’m born to run

Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.

//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come

Do whatever I want like I'm born to run

I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo

I wanna be careless even if I break my bones

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

All these things I've seen and done

I live my life like I'm born to run//

The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner

Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.

//You could have my body

But you can't have me

I know I'm a criminal

Don't you tell on me//

That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!

Missy Elliot - Work it

(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)

Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

//Come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//

...you see what I mean?

Chapter 2: Praise you

God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.

//We've come a long long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby

I have to praise you like I should//

Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?

It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?

...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.

Sam Fender - Start again

This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:

//Let's start again

Let's learn to talk

Without the fear of being heard

'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody

Let's pull the cord

Move below

Let's start again//

Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult

Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.

//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me

You never can get enough of whatever you think you need

No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush

Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//

This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.

//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets

You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//

That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.

//And now I'm standing in the rain

And your hair, it's falling in your face

And I know we're doing the right thing//

Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.

//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//

Ouch.

//On and off, difficult

Too in love to let it go

Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//

The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.

That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.

//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//

I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.

Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you

There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.

//Skin on skin

We didn't finish what we started

Heart to heart

I'm missing your love//

Keir - Probably

The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.

//Colliding were the walls

And I forget where I began

I wish I could remember love//

Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.

//Probably underneath

There's a remedy

Possibly in the air

In the oxygen I breathe

Probably//

And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.

Dermot Kennedy - Glory

This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.

//A set of eyes had pinned him

Became his version of a kingdom

She's everything the devil can't be

When she's singing to me "Glory"//

Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.

Rhys Lewis - Living in The City

If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:

//I've been living in the city too long

I've been given everything that I've got

Been a sinner and a saint

Crazy, and sane

I've been living in the city too long//

We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?

//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go

Wants to just run away

But the rest of my soul says I should stay

I should stay//

And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?

Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad

God, do I love this song.

//So this is where we are

It's not where we had wanted to be

If half the world's gone mad

The other half just don't care, you see

You don't want to fuck with us

British to the very last

When it feels like the world's gone mad

And there's nothing you can do about it

No there's nothing you can do about it//

It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.

Who’s Molly - Touch the sky

Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.

//We can never see beyond that horizon.

And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.

But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.

We'll make it through.

If you were here with me.//

That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.

//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.

I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.

And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.

You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.

Never would have thought I could win this battle.

I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.

We're going to set the world alight tonight.

Cause we can touch the sky!//

That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.

//Close your eyes, free your soul.

You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//

Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌

Dermot Kennedy - Young & free

Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.

//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die

Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines

Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind

Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time

We were young

We were free, come on now, let it go//

The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.

James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me

Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.

//I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating//

To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.

Ruelle - Oh my my

Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.

//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones

Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum

Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind

You never see us creeping in, creeping in

Oh my my, oh my my

You never stood a chance

...

Ready or not, here we come//

The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.

Speaking of rain--

Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain

The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.

//But it's alright because

You cause lanterns to light

And force demons disperse

And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears

Then, for evil, you could not be worse

But I see you now, yeah, I see you

And release me now, kinda like dreams do

And I see you now, was hard to see you

Just don't forget to sing

Remember everything//

So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.

I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.

Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?

...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)

//If you think just maybe it's her

Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know

You won't go lonely, yeah

It'll all be better in the morning

'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//

Aquillo - Six feet over ground

Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.

//Today's the day I found myself alright

When I look ahead, pretend it never came.

I found a way to keep my head above

But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'

Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing

I'm still six feet over ground

But you don't need to know now

You don't need to know how I'm doing//

They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.

Aquilo - Silhouette

The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder

Strangers in your head

As if you don't remember

As if you can forget

It's only been a moment

It's only been a lifetime

But tonight you're a stranger

Some silhouette //

When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.

//Just hold me//

Nathan Ball - Drifting

//I can see in your eyes

When you lie awake at night

You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright

To keep on drifting

With the drugs keeping you high

They catch you falling from the sky

I keep asking myself why

You stand by

And keep on drifting

…

So tell me what you hold inside

Tell the backstreets of your mind

You're still lonely as a child

Teary eyed

Kept on drifting//

Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.

Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--

//So take my hand and hold on

Take my hand don't let go//

That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.

I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.

Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic

//Cold light wakes me in the morning,

Your side is empty I was calling out to you,

I was calling out to you.//

That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.

//But I don't need your love,

I just need your

Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up

Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,

When I'm hungover too.

Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,

You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,

When I'm lonely for you.

All that I need is a sweet escape,

And all that I need is a sweet escape.

...

Cause I don't need your love

But I just need you now

And I don't need your love

I just need you now//

This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.

RHODES - Breathe

The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.

//Mind break in two,

There's a light in the sky, there's a light

And it's all for you

Dawn colors all

Tell me how do you feel?

Tell me how do you need to heal?//

Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.

//Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I'll keep you warm

Come on!

Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I need your love

Come on now!//

To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.

Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic

The one for ✨the moment✨.

//Comfort me, oh comfort me

I'm lighting up

To see the day you run for me

You run for me, my love//

Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.

//But I've been tied up

For days

And I've been thinking of the things that you say

And I've been wound up

Each way

I need to let you know, to let you know today//

Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.

//You call me a liar

You call me so innocent

But you lit the fire

You lit the fire that burns

The fire that burns inside us

I'm not innocent

I lit the fire, the fire, the fire

I lit the fire//

Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.

The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version

//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said

You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head

Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said

You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark

To start again//

You can see it, right?

Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.

//And it feels like falling in, falling in love

Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love

Could save me tonight//

The 1975 - Fallingforyou

//According to your heart

My place is not deliberate

Feeling of your arms

I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

And don't you need me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

On this night, and in this light

I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you

And maybe you, change your mind//

They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.

Adam French - Weightless

The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.

That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.

//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders

You see you're gonna make it alright

How you're gonna make it alright

When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright

You say your body will

Hold me in the night

...

Only you can make me weightless

...

Closer is all I ever wanted to be

There for ya so you can be confiding in me

There to break the fall

Here for everybody to see

Weightless after all//

Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect

I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.

And my god, this song.

//You live like you're a secret

One that only I could know

'Cause I said

You know what I want and

I know who you are

I know when I hold you and love you

You'll get up and go before you fall apart//

...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?

//I'll bring you every colour that I find

In your eyes

You wake me up

And it breaks my heart

That you're perfectly imperfect

You're hurting but you're worth it

You don't know why

I would waste my time

But I'm falling and I mean it

I want you like I need it

There's nothing you could try to change my mind

'Cause I'm in love

So call me when you want me and I'll come running

Find me waiting at your door

So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long

'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//

That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.

Bastille - Survivin’

The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.

//And I'm not gonna lie

Say I've been alright

'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down

What can I say? I'm survivin'

Crawling out these sheets to see another day

What can I say? I'm survivin'

And I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine

I think I'll be fine//

As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.

Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped

Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.

//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//

Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--

//Feels like I know you so well

You could be everything that I've been missing

I'm coming out of my shell

And I never do that

How did you do that?

It's like I've known you my whole life//

That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.

//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses

Maybe you like me the way I am//

That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.

//Baby, I'm in love//

🙃

INXS - Need you tonight

I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)

//So slide over here and give me a moment

Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleepin'

There's somethin' about you, girl

That makes me sweat//

That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.

Dermot Kennedy - Days like this

Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.

That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.

//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this

When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this

When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this

When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this

When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//

They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.

James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic

The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.

//Take your time

I'll be right here

I know no one could ever love me better

Take all night

You're the truth that

Is breaking me and keeping me together

Together

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough

You're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on chew on my heart

...

I'm on fire

I'm a hot mess

I'm thinking things that I might start regretting

So hear me out

I need you now

I'm spiraling

I'm sinking down

Look for me I'm sending up a message

A message//

I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.

Picture This - Unconditional

This one just makes my heart sing.

//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it

Even when we're sleepless and damaged

I don't doubt it

We're holding on//

That’s exactly it.

//Baby I wish we could take this feeling

And put it away somewhere safe

'Til we need it

Unconditional

I'm so afraid of losing your love//

They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.

//Shivers running down my back with your fingers

The smell of your perfume it lingers

And whispers

What I want you to say

Under your skin, underdressed under covers

We bring out the best in each other

Two lovers finding our way//

The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.

BANNERS - Start a riot

But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.

//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm

No surrender, no retreat

I will tear down every wall

Just to keep you warm

Just to bring you home

I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust

I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust

Will you take my hand?

We can make our stand

If your world falls apart

I'd start a riot

If night falls in your heart

I'd light the fire

In the dark, when you sound the alarm

We'll find each other's arms

For your love, all you are

I'd start a riot//

The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.

Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--

Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live

When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.

I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.

//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//

Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.

//No, I don't want to fall in love

With you, with you

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//

And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.

Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.

Lewis Watson - Little light

//And all this shade is, illuminating

And all those love lines, are taking shape

And all my worries, disintegrating

And I've been waiting, I've been waiting

And all my days were young and wasted

When I was waiting, oh for you

And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading

But ever since I found you

A little light is breaking through//

Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.

X Ambassadors - Renegades

Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.

//Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close and lend an ear

…

All hail the underdogs

All hail the new kids

All hail the outlaws

Spielbergs and Kubricks

It's our time to make a move

It's our time to make amends

It's our time to break the rules

Let's begin//

I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.

I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)

Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t

Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.

//Under the water

It's cold and it's grey

My torrid autumn

Another season decays

Open up the Hollow

And my walls come down

I tell you it's a problem

Just when no one's around

But then

I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything

I know you're gone, gone, gone

This is where I will draw my line

I will draw my line//

To me, it’s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.

Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway

I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.

I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.

//It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head

And it's a slow cry out

When you've got so many tears you could die

And it's a long time to wait

When you take all my tears away//

Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.

//My body is colder

Time is frozen

All these feelings have poisoned my soul

And in silence no I can't stand it

Please break these chains and hell I can

Hideaway//

She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.

//You're my one way out

And my tears won't save me now

Save me now

I can't stand it

All this loneliness I feel

I can't do this alone

I need someone to remind my feelings

That I've fallen down by the door

It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now

It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head//

Macy Gray - I try

One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near//

It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.

Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic

//She told me she was hollow

That's far from what I see//

That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.

//I told her she was special

She almost let me in

But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//

We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.

//Lonely is her favourite

If only I could change it

If I could only save her

But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken

Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open

Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire

Mostly she's everything I desire

Lonely is her favourite place to be//

Galleaux - Tether me

I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.

//In this space, do I belong?

It's dark out here in my own thoughts

Pull me back, out of my body

I'm tied to my limbs

They're spinning me out of control

Tether me//

And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.

Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay

There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.

It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.

//Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I//

You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.

//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be//

Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.

//So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh//

You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨

Foo Fighters - Home

When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.

//Wish I were with you

But I couldn't stay

Every direction

Leads me away

Pray for tomorrow

But for today

All I want is to be home//

About to leave for good.

This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.

BANKS - Someone new

Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -

//I can love you desperately

Though your love ain't guaranteed

Oh, I wish you knew the deal

Gotta learn from far away

And I simply needed space

Space for me to be

And I think you need it too

Though I know you call me selfish for assuming

I did this for you too//

This, this, all of this! You see it, right?

//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Don't know what else to do//

Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.

//And please don't fall in love with someone new

I promise one day I'll come back for you//

And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.

//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words

Calling me a fool

Saying that I've fucked up everything

And you'll never forgive me//

See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.

Agnes Obel - Riverside

//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside//

As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.

Billy Raffoul - Dark four door

There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.

//You got up, you felt you should

I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could

I never thought that you would//

Chris Cornell - Before we disappear

Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.

//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?

How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//

Dermot Kennedy - A closeness

The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--

//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you

Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss

A permanent truth, a means to get through//

Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?

//Deep into the night, eyes closing

Heart swollen with my loving for you

A solid embrace, kind face

And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons

Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night

You've got a heart like the moon

Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it

'Cause she got to go soon//

And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.

Ryan McMullan - Outcry

I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.

//You came a long way to see me

So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine

What's the point that you're making

Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind

If in doubt, don't fake it

I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie

If you're in love don't be ashamed of it

'Cause even angels fall for demons//

God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?

And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.

//I've heard stories, but they're jaded

So give me something more

I only know what I've been told

But I can tell that you're frustrated

And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold

If you tell me you're hurting

I'm hurting too, yeah

Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine

I'll wait for the outcry

Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//

And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.

//If you feel like leaving

Then maybe it's for the best

Or if you feel like you've given in

Oh, give yourself a chance

If you feel like crying

Oh please don't hold it in

If you feel like reaching out oh

Let me in//

His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.

Gavin James - Hard to do

One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.

//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave

This house isn't home to me

I'm tired of losing everyone I see

Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do

Trying to hold on//

Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.

//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run

But two hearts are better than one

You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone

Oh, I'll be gone

It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//

Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.

//Oh, but I need you

Far more than I ever want you

It's such an unnatural thing we do

When falling in love's just so hard to do

Hard to do//

She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.

Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you

I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.

//Wherever you are

You know that I adore you

No matter how far

Well, I can go before you

And if ever you need someone

Well, not that you need helping

But if ever you want someone

Know that I am willing//

He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.

//Oh, and I don't want to change you

I don't want to change you

I don't want to change your mind//

Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.

//I've never been with anyone

In the way I've been with you

But if love is not for fun

Then it's doomed

'Cause water races

Water races down the waterfalls//

Lucy Spraggan - Run

Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?

//I just to run to the end of the world

Just to see if it's possible

I don't care what I've been told

I want to run to the end of the world

I'm going to run,run,run

Bye bye problems

Run 'til the road hits the sea

You better run,run,run

If you want to be free//

Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.

//I wanna feel invincible

One more mile out of principle

I want to see the whole damn world

One cross road can change it all//

Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.

------

Quite a journey that was.

Thank you all for taking it with me.

#long nights #long nights playlist #bts long nights

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newmusickarl · 3 years

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Album & EP Recommendations

Album of the Week: Seventeen Going Under by Sam Fender

His career is still quite young in the grand scheme of things, but Geordie singer-songwriter Sam Fender has wasted little time in making a name for himself. He’s already been nominated for an Ivor Novello award and scooped the Brits Critics’ Choice prize ahead of the release of his debut album back in 2019. That debut album, Hypersonic Missiles, then went on to become one of the best-selling albums of that year, shifting an impressive 41,000 units in its first week alone.

However, like many, Fender’s career hit a bit of a momentary hitch with the COVID-19 outbreak. Scheduled to write and release his much-anticipated sophomore album, Fender was suddenly locked away from the world due to a pre-existing health condition meaning he had to shield in his home for several months. As someone who thrives on writing about the people he meets and the social and political landscape of the world around him, Fender was essentially starved of his go-to creative outlet. As a result, the lockdown forced him to look inward and write a personal, autobiographical record about his mid-to-late teens. And you know what – it’s probably the best thing that could have happened to him as this new album, Seventeen Going Under, is nothing short of sensational.

Across this record, Sam Fender is seemingly on a mission to reveal more of himself and his family history to his listeners, with the anthemic choruses, soaring riffs and grand instrumentation taking the rough edges off these tales of hardship. Whether it’s confronting the memory of supporting his sick mother in her battle with the Department for Work & Pensions (Getting Started and the record’s incredible title track), disclosing his inability to effectively communicate with his father (one of the tracks of the year, Spit of You) or highlighting important issues of mental health and male suicide (The Leveller, Paradigms, The Dying Light), Fender’s exceptional talent for storytelling allows him to handle each difficult subject with both grace and honesty, whilst also making it an utterly engrossing and heartfelt listen.

Despite the many emotionally impactful and more introspective moments, Fender still has time to take aim at the establishment and injustice too, most notably on the album’s two overtly political numbers. Aye is the more provocative of the pair, a punky track that sees Fender tear down the elite and the destructive power they have over humanity with lyrics like “I don't have time for the very few, they never had time for me and you.” Then my current favourite track on the album, Long Way Off, sees Fender give a voice to the voiceless, as he attacks the current state of opposition between the left and right wings, and the working-class people being left to fall through the gaps of society because of this political polarity. Lyrically it’s razor-sharp and hard-hitting, whilst musically it boasts some quite stunning and majestic orchestration.

All in all, this is just an incredible sophomore outing for Sam Fender, with his songwriting already maturing to some astounding creative peaks. It may only be less than a week old but with shades of greats like Dylan and Springsteen, and even modern rock heroes like The War On Drugs, this one is already feeling like a bit of a classic.

Listen here

Huffy by We Are Scientists

Attending one of We Are Scientists’ acoustic album launch shows this week, one thing was quite clear – even when you strip these new songs back to their bare bones, they are easily some of the band’s hookiest tracks to date.

Now on their seventh album, it is clear the NY-based duo of Keith Murray and Chris Cain have mastered their craft at this point, with their new collection Huffy a super fun, tightly constructed, 30-minute slice of indie rock perfection. Opener You’ve Lost Your Shit is an energetic punk track reminiscent of early Green Day, whilst the melodic charm of Contact High ranks amongst their finest singles to date. I Cut My Own Hair is a playful lockdown anthem, whilst Fault Lines with its jittering rock riffs and high-pitched vocals recalls Queens of The Stone Age at their very best.

That said there are two real standout tracks here for me, the first being Just Education with its shimmering synths, bluesy guitars and an infectious chorus – amazingly this one wasn’t selected as a single! The next is the fantastic Bought Myself A Grave, which sees Chris take on lead vocal duty. The track is an absolute rollercoaster, beginning as a Johnny Cash-esque country number before completely flipping midway through into a trippy electronic track, complete with auto-tuned vocals. Just when you think you’ve got it all worked out, its then brought to an emphatic finish with an exceptional guitar solo from Murray – for me, easily one of the best tracks of their hit-filled career.

Overall, this one is just a blast from start-to-finish - consistently solid and guaranteed to have you rocking out with the biggest smile on your face.

Listen here

Friends That Break Your Heart by James Blake

And finally on my album selections this week, award-winning singer-songwriter and producer James Blake released his fifth studio album this week.

Now for a long time I wasn’t much of a fan of James Blake’s music, however that all changed with his incredible last album, Assume Form, a record I played to death throughout 2019 and that eventually ended up in my Top 10 Albums of the Year. With that being the case, I was greatly anticipating this new break-up record, however sadly Blake hasn’t quite been able to match my high expectations.

The album starts off well, with Life Is Not The Same a haunting and at times uncomfortable tale of heartbreak, with some fascinating production and a stunning, emotive vocal performance from Blake himself. This is then followed by his equally great collaboration with SZA, Coming Back, which delivers a wonderfully heartfelt R&B groove and two more great vocal performances. However, from there the rest of the album is a bit of a mixed bag, with some of Blake’s experimental production choices hitting the mark, and others just far too jarring to really enjoy fully. Luckily Blake does manage to get back on track towards the end of the record, with the gorgeous title track and the spatial electronica of reflective closer, If I’m Insecure, finishing things off strongly.

I do plan on revisiting this record again so this one may come to grow on me more in the weeks to come, but right now it feels like a patchy work with just about enough gems to make it worthwhile.

Listen here

Tracks of the Week

Beautiful Life by Michael Kiwanuka

The Mercury-Prize winning singer-songwriter made his triumphant return this week with a new single released for the soundtrack of Netflix Documentary, Convergence. As the title suggests, this is Kiwanuka being thankful for his career in music, with this message backdropped against his vintage 70s soul sound and some suitably cinematic orchestration.

Listen here

Ready For The High by The Wombats

Liverpool indie rockers The Wombats also released the latest single from their forthcoming new album Fix Yourself, Not The World and it may just be their heaviest track to date. Although still boasting their signature pop-style melodies for the most part, this one also has a meaty, almost-grunge riff and some wonderful horns towards the back end of the track.

Listen here

One True Prince (Orchestral Version Live From Abbey Road) by Don Broco

Bedfordshire genre-benders Don Broco have had a bit of a tough time this week, with news that the physical release of their new album Amazing Things will now be delayed till January next year. However, they have unselfishly decided to sacrifice their chances of charting by giving fans the digital release on schedule, as planned, with that arriving next Friday. To tide fans over till then, they’ve also just dropped this incredible live version of recent single One True Prince, where they are backed by an orchestra to help make the track just that touch more epic.

Watch/Listen here

Town Called Nothing by Laura-Mary Carter

Blood Red Shoes frontwoman Laura-Mary Carter has also released her debut solo single this week, a wonderful country blues track that has a real timelessness to it. As much as I love Blood Red Shoes, if this is the standard then bring on more solo material!

Listen here

Thumbs Up by The Howl & The Hum

And finally this week, York-based indie outfit The Howl & The Hum released their absolutely gorgeous new track Thumbs Up, a haunting acoustic ballad of the Damien Rice ilk. Stunning harmonies and a touch of strings, you might just need the tissues for this one – beautiful.

Listen here

#sam fender #seventeen going under #huffy #we are scientists #james blake #friends that break your heart #don broco #michael kiwanuka #blood red shoes #laura mary carter #the howl and the hum #the wombats #new music #new music friday #best new music #album recommendation

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pacifymebby · 2 years

Note

Hiya laundry anon here again to say I loved the songs you picked!! Angel in Lothian is one of my favourite songs off of seventeen going under and one that I relate to really deeply so I feel like you’ve read me like a book with that one. Sara is such lovely song to listen to and funny enough my shower/laundry playlist has quite a bit of fleetwood mac on it! I really really loved all things must pass! It’s a really beautiful song and I got a bit teary listening to it and I’m honoured you associate me with it! This whole thing inspired me to pick out some songs I associate with you so here they are:

Two sleepy people - Hoagy Carmichael

I feel like it fits with the vibe of you and B!

You’re not the only one/getting started - Sam Fender

I feel like you’re not the only one speaks for itself in this regard but I also chose getting started because I get the sense that you are an incredibly strong person who has been through a lot but is still going. i.e. you’re only getting started and have so much good coming to you in life!

I think I understand- Joni Mitchell

I cant really describe why I associate it with you I just think it’s a really beautiful song and I think you’d really like it melodically and lyrically!!

Sorry if this is too much I got really excited and a bit carried away!

Angel in Lothian is my favourite song on that album too!!!

I never used to pay much attention to Fleetwood Mac (I don't know why) until B got me listening to them and now I love them!! They suit laundry days somehow

I wanted to give you that song because you always say u relate to a lot of the sad things I post on here and that songs how I get through bad times <3

Two Sleepy People sounds like the kind of song B would sing to me when he's doing his stupid little jazz singer impressions (these happen like 5 times a day and always when I'm trying to sleep haha)

You're Not the Only One is a song I put on when I feel like I need a hug and a hand to hold so I feel like u have really got to the heart of me there haha

I've never listened to that Joni one so I'll have a wee listen today!!

Aw no way love this was so so sweet! I love that <3

#Lydianthunderfics

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steppedoffaflight · 3 years

Text

Summer’s a Knife - Chapter 15

Catch up on Chapter 14 here

You’re kicking yourself for taking these last months for granted, for thinking that that was what it meant to miss a busy Van. Pining and pouting over a Van that you basically saw once a week? That wasn’t so exhausted from back-to-back shows that he made time to call, or at least respond to your texts? Who spent enough time in one place that you could actually go visit him on tour?

You’re missing your best friend like crazy.

Word count: ~3.3k

A/N: I can’t believe there’s only two chapters left after this! Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who’s taken the time to read this, and endless thank you’s to everyone who has reached out with feedback ❤️

Chapter Fifteen September 2019

Fall in California doesn’t look the same as it does in Michigan, but you wish it did. Although you’re glad winters here only involve mild weeks in the fifties and sixties, you do miss the atmosphere of gray, rainy September days, leaves shriveling up and falling off of the trees, and changing out your wardrobe into something cozier. Sure, the pumpkin spice trend is still active, but pumpkin spice lattes don’t taste the same with eighty degree temperatures and the shining sun.

Maybe you’re homesick because you’re desperate for your surroundings to match your insides.

Van wasn’t kidding about the band’s workload this month. You’re kicking yourself for taking these last months for granted, for thinking that that was what it meant to miss a busy Van. Pining and pouting over a Van that you basically saw once a week? That wasn’t so exhausted from back-to-back shows that he made time to call, or at least respond to your texts? Who spent enough time in one place that you could actually go visit him on tour?

You had been so naive. So, so, fucking naive. And September was absolute torture to prove it. And it would feel much, much better to slog through this month on rainy sidewalks crusted with damp leaves, a crisp breeze trying to sneak through the seams of your coat.

But instead the world just spins on, leaving you behind. September is a new beginning for many people, who gladly chatter about it everywhere they go. UCLA students are starting to return to the area, bouncing around in their backpacks with iced coffees, and at work your co-workers are returning from their eventful summers refreshed and ready to end the year with a bang. There are back-to-school sales on everything, from spin classes to puppies in a petstore window, and the happier everyone is about the new season the more alone you feel.

Because that’s a great way to sum up how you feel, really: alone. It was the fucking worst. You’d never been someone who had a problem being alone! You’d purposely decided to live alone; you had practically skipped for joy down the sidewalks when you’d broken up with your last boyfriend. You had a nice friend group with the other girls at work, and of course you had Mary, so what else could an independent woman like you need? Certainly not a boyfriend or a girlfriend to make you feel fulfilled. Things wouldn’t even be different if Van was your boyfriend, you try to convince yourself. He’d still be busy. You’d still be rooted in L.A.. You’d still be just as depressed as you are right now.

You don’t believe that one bit.

Got that reservation, Van texts you one night after a rare phone call. You’d asked him to try and get Mary and Theo a table for their anniversary, and apparently he’d pulled through. You beam to yourself as he sends another text with the reservation information, and then decide to give Mary a call.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Is Mary’s greeting. “Has Van kidnapped you?”

You don’t have the heart to tell her it’s the opposite, actually. You’re so trapped in your lonely self-pity you don’t really have the energy or desire to socialize with others right now. In your heart right now, it’s Van or bust.

“Maybe,” You joke, although you feel like you don’t sound very convincing. “Speaking of Van, he might happen to have a reservation next week that he can’t make…” You grin as your voice trails off, “And maybe he accidentally made the reservation under your name?”

Mary audibly gasps down the line. “He got us a table?” She squeals, but you can hear she’s trying to hold back her excitement until she knows for sure.

“I might have called in a favor from him,” You laugh as you listen to Mary’s excitement at your confirmation.

“He is an absolute angel,” She gushes. “You need to marry him, like, now.”

You’re sure that this time your laugh definitely sounds hollow. You’ve never admitted your love for Van, even though Mary questions you about it regularly and never seems convinced with your denials. While you usually tell her everything, your feelings for Van have always felt like a giant bruise, something best not exposed. You don’t think you could stand the teasing, or Mary’s typical meddling. And right now, considering your heart is one oozing wound, you’re thankful for your own secret-keeping.

“I just wanted to let you know,” You start to wind down the conversation. Your phone has pinged with another text from Van, and you don’t want to waste this opportunity to catch up with him. “I’ll screenshot the reservation stuff and text you.”

“Tell Van I said thank you! We said thank you. Like, seriously. He’s amazing.”

You two say goodbye and you relay the message to Van over text, before responding to the message he’d just sent. Sam Fender’s album was out tomorrow, and there would be a huge bash at his Hollywood house the following weekend, which the band wouldn’t be in the States to attend. Van was clearly bummed about the whole thing, and you were too. You wonder if Sam and his friends remembered you from the party, or if you’ve faded from everyone’s memory. You wish there was a way for you to reach out to him and congratulate him.

Get your cheque yet? Van asks when the conversation about Sam has run its course.

Right. The insurance check. Yup, you respond, frowning to yourself in dismay. A whole $5,000. Yippee.

You couldn’t believe that’s all you’d received from the insurance debacle. You’d purchased the car for $12,000 from a dealer, worked your ass to pay it off over the years, and now the insurance company had awarded you less than half of the cost of the car to somehow give you the means to buy a new one. And it’d be almost impossible to find something in good shape for that price that was also an automatic, because you grew up in Michigan, where people were not obsessed with driving stick shifts.

Least you’ve got the rover.

Right. The Range Rover. The one scrap of Van you could cling to during this awful time.

The next time you have to pass that stupid petshop with their stupidly cute puppies in the window on your walk back to the office after lunch, you decide to send a pic to Van: Yes or no to me getting a puppy.

Which one?

Holy fuck, he responded in less than twelve hours. It’s your lucky day.

I’m thinking that little fuzzy gray one.

I’d be supremely jealous. He’s cute and I love dogs.

Van is a terrible influence. You’re ashamed to admit you stall in front of the window for longer than necessary, looking at the little gray puppy with the pointed ears bounce around in the playpen before forcing yourself to move along. A puppy would probably be good for you, honestly, but that’s not a decision you should make on impulse.

Miss you, says another text from Van. Then another: Might be in town on Tuesday? Fingers crossed the flights work out.

Unfortunately, they do not.

The flights do, however, work out for Thursday. That’s a fact you only discover after coming home from work and heading into your bedroom to change, only to trip over two rolling suitcases and realize there’s a Van-sized lump sleeping in your bed.

“What’re you doing?” Van mumbles, peeking his head out from under the blankets as you swear up a storm.

“What are you doing?” You shout, your toes throbbing. You’d accidentally kicked one of his rolling suitcases across the bedroom hardwood, and your toes were aching from the impact. On its way across the bedroom that suitcase had bumped the other, causing it to fall like a domino. “Why didn’t you tell me you were here?”

A slow grin spreads over Van’s face. “I wanted to surprise you!”

“By making my room an obstacle course?” You huff, lifting the fallen suitcase upright and rolling both of them out of the way into a corner.

Van’s sleepy state inhibits him from arguing, and he tucks his head back under the comforter.

“God, you scared the shit out of me,” You continue, your adrenaline still pumping from the fright and the pain. “I regret making you a key. I want it back.”

“Shut up,” Comes Van’s muffled voice.

“You shut up,” You bite back, but as the throbbing in your toes die down your irritation is replaced with the realization that this is reality, that Van is actually in your fucking bed at this moment. “I missed you,” You announce suddenly, your voice a lot softer.

Van peeks his head out again. His hair is a ruffled, oily mess as he beams at you. “I missed you more.”

“Bet you didn’t. Bet you forgot about me while you were doing cool band stuff.”

“Oh, did I? Wonder who I was texting Sam about, then.”

At this your jaw drops. “You did what?”

“I told him I was sorry I was leaving town tomorrow, and you said congratulations. And he asked how you were. Bond and him wanna do a celebratory pub night down in Newcastle.”

“No fair!” You pout, stomping your foot like a child. “You’re gonna celebrate without me?”

“Get your passport!” Van cries, throwing one of his arms up in exasperation before flopping back down on the bed. “Come with us!”

Getting your passport is a pain you’re reluctant to go through. You sigh. Maybe you’d try during the holidays back in Michigan, where the lines at the post office weren’t practically out the door everyday. Even if things with Van are over by then, Mary’s been trying to talk you into an overseas vacation for a while.

“You’re leaving tomorrow?” You decide to narrow in on that fact, pushing passport thoughts aside.

“Tomorrow night,” Van confirms. “Drop me off after work?”

“Of course.” If you only had him for these twenty-four hours, you were gonna milk every second you had.

Van is completely wiped from touring, and spends his entire time at your place in the same sweats. He gets out of bed the next morning to shower and have a cup of coffee with you, but other than that he’s glued to the mattress, getting some much-needed rest.

But even when he’s tired, Van is fun to be around. When you’re exhausted from work it means that your job has sapped every last bit of joy from you, leaving you without any desire to be creative, go out with friends, or try to be in a good mood. With Van, it’s like he would keep going if his body allowed him. He talks about tour fondly, still expresses excitement about starting on the new album, and still manages to pluck at your guitar from his nesting spot in bed. He’s the same Van; the only difference is the constant yawning and the way the lines around his eyes are more defined. Oh, and the lack of energy for any fooling around.

That last part doesn’t even cross your mind until you’re on your way home from the airport. You were so content just to have him around that you totally forgot how much you’d been using your vibrator lately.

But even with how content you were for that blissful twenty-four hours, as soon as you’ve stepped in the door to your empty house the aching in your heart returns. In your time apart all the little details about Van had gone fuzzy in your mind; his scent on your pillow, how it takes a cup of coffee in the morning for his voice to stop cracking. But remembering them makes everything sting with a vengeance, and you’re left feeling shittier than you have all month.

There’s been a nagging feeling creeping around the edges of your brain like a fog, and as much as you’ve been trying to deny it, it’s hard tonight. It’s just that everything with Van has started to hurt, and you’re not sure it’s ever going to go away. His schedule over the summer was flexible, but even after this intense bout of touring he’d be busy with recording. And then the band would be vigorously promoting and touring that album, and so on, forever, because Van would never stop making music, you were sure of that.

The tears well up in your eyes even thinking about not having him around. Despite your crushing adoration for him, he really is your best friend, and the idea of losing his friendship makes your heart clench in agony, the tears spilling over. But it’s not really a fair friendship when only one of you is crying about it, is it? Van doesn’t have to hurt like this, because his heart isn’t invested in you like yours is in him.

You allow yourself an indulgent self-pity cry as you make your bed, rumpled from Van’s napping, and climb in. You figure if you’re going to have a pity party for yourself you might as well do it right, and switch your pillow out for his so you can smell the smoke he leaves everywhere he goes. You know that as happy as you are when he’s around, there’s no way you can keep crying over someone when leaving is as much of their job as sending emails is to yours.

That’s why when Van pops in for another impromptu visit the following Tuesday, you’re not as happy to see him as you usually would be. It’s the same way that the idea of next morning’s hangover can ruin a night out, except with Van there’s no magical way to handicap your brain from thinking about the future.

The sex comes close, though. As soon as you two get to your place after picking him up he tosses his backpack aside before cornering you against the front door.

“I fucking missed you,” He practically growls in your ear, and holy fuck it’s been so long. You two rush for the bedroom, peeling off clothes as you go. Van is too impatient to worry about unbuttoning his shirt and simply peels it over his head, while you unclasp your own bra to avoid the delay. Before you know it you’re on your back, the blankets falling away from Van’s shoulders as he thrusts into you with all he’s got, your headboard banging against the wall so loudly you almost worry about damaging it. When you come it’s intensely satisfying, and you pull Van’s hair ridiculously hard to prove it. In retaliation he bites down on your shoulder as he comes, the same as he did the first time you ever slept with him.

The whole world feels right for that magical half hour, and then as you both lay on your backs trying to process what’s happened it all starts to shift again.

“When are you leaving, again?” You ask the ceiling, your voice stiff.

“Thursday morning,” He croaks. “Gotta get to Salt Lake City.”

You start to roll yourself up, heading for the bathroom. “Right.”

You feel Van’s body tense under the sheets next to you. “You alright?”

“Yup,” You tell him, emerging from the bed. You’re not convincing in the slightest, and Van can clearly tell. You don’t give him time to question you before leaving the bedroom.

“What’d I do?” You startle when you hear Van’s footsteps following behind you to the bathroom.

“Nothing.” You almost laugh at how ridiculous you sound.

Van hasn’t even bothered to throw boxers on, leaning in the bathroom doorway with his softening dick on display. He sighs. “Wanna step out for a smoke?”

You’re actually craving the fuck out of a cigarette, but you’d rather just go to bed and have this night be over with. Maybe tomorrow you’d be more able to enjoy Van’s presence, rather than pouting over how it’s rapidly coming to an end as soon as it began. “I’m fine,” You tell him. Your voice sounds less sharp and more resigned. It wasn’t his fault, after all.

Van shakes his head. He uses the toilet when you’re done, tosses on the sweatpants he had rolled in his backpack, and heads out onto the porch alone.

In his absence you scold yourself for acting like this. What the fuck were you doing? Ruining the two nights you had him, because of something that wasn’t anybody’s fault? You remake the bed, mentally giving yourself a stern talking to.

“You wanna talk about what’s wrong now?” Van’s voice makes you jump out of your skin.

“Nothing’s wrong,” You insist again, but your voice betrays you.

“Something is,” Van argues. “I’ve been watching you fluff that pillow for ages.”

At his words you realize your hands are still gripping the corner of your pillowcase, and you unclench your fists.

Van steps into the room, and to your mortification you feel your eyes heat up with warm tears.

“It’s been a long day,” You lie. It’s been a long fucking summer. “And I’m PMSing.”

Van frowns in sympathy, starting to climb back into bed. “Need a cuddle?”

A cuddle sounds like the equivalent of doing an entire round of shots by yourself when you’re already dreading the hangover.

“Yeah,” You sniff. “I do.”

On Thursday morning Van gets you up even earlier than your alarm clock, one of his hands nudging your thighs apart. You expect him to get on top of you once you’re more fully awake, yawning and wiggling around to get more comfortable, but instead you feel his calloused fingertip press against your entrance.

“Oh,” You sigh in surprise as he slips into you, searching out your good spots by touch alone. When he slips a second finger in, angling himself right, you clench down on instinct. “Yeah,” You breathe, blinking up at him sleepily. He’s watching your face intently, and if you were even slightly more awake you’d be horrifically self conscious. “You got it right.”

You can’t remember the last time you were fingered as the entree of the sex, rather than the appetizer. It’s appallingly intimate to have Van’s face so close to yours, breathing in any noises you make and watching every slight expression change in the darkness of your room. You’re also appalled at how you’ve been completely robbed of his talents; he can sense exactly where you’re throbbing for him, your clit twitching against the pad of his thumb when he applies pressure right where your body has been screaming for it. It barely takes any time with his thumb working in tiny circles and his fingers pressing into you hard before you’re gasping for air, drowning under the waves of your orgasm that feels like it’s radiating from both areas, whimpering Van’s name helplessly.

As soon as you’re flinching from his touch he pulls his hand away, his fingers slipping into his mouth so he can clean them off.

“Holy shit.” Your lungs are still desperate for air, but you haul him in for a sloppy kiss, paying no attention to the taste of yourself on his tongue. “I’m gonna miss you.”

Van lets out a deep, throaty laugh at that, but you’re already pushing him backwards so that he’s laying flat. You’re way too sensitive for sex, but you jerk him off and let him come on the soft skin on the inside of your thighs, as a treat.

After you drop him off at the airport, both of you looking slightly disheveled due to having to rush to get ready, you sigh to yourself in the empty car. You hated how weak you were when it came to him. One minute you’re convincing yourself you need to stop hanging around him, and the next you’re telling yourself there is absolutely no way you can give up the best sex you’ve ever had.

It was quite the conundrum.

#summer's a knife #catfish and the bottlemen fanfiction #van mccann #catb #catb fic #vanfic #van mccann fic #van mccann fanfiction #Catfish and the Bottlemen

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