#the show I went to was so amazing it rewired my brain

[wolfsplosion]

drawing bobo in his fancy new cape (WIP)

[saintvainglorious]

My First Fanbind! A Black Sails Fic Anthology Series

It took me a year (and a lot of anxious research) before I worked up the courage to bookbind fanfiction, and after months of on-again-off-again work, my first fanbind is finally done!

I knew that if I was going to bookbind fic, I had to bind something from the Black Sails fandom, aka the fandom and show that have had the biggest impact on my life. Y'all, I almost went into academia to study slavery in the 17th-18th century Caribbean because of this show - when folks say this show rewires your brain chemistry, they are NOT kidding. THEE show of all time. Happy 10th anniversary to Black Sails! This fandom is small but mighty. May we continue to get our hearts and souls blasted to smithereens by this show for many years to come.

Ao3 abounds with magnificent Black Sails oneshots, so I decided to put together an anthology of my favorite Silverflint fics under 20k, which I split into two volumes. Included are works by @justlikeeddie, @vowel-in-thug, @balloonstand, @annevbonny, @francisthegreat, @nysscientia, and more! Thank you, thank you all, you brilliant wonderful people, for gracing the Internet with such amazing writing. When I read the fics in these anthologies I want to fling myself into the sun.

More on the design and binding process below the cut!

Vol. 1 Page Count: 270 (12 fics) Vol. 2 Page Count: 248 (11 fics) Body Font: Sabon Next LT (10.5 pt) Title Font: Goudy Old Style Other Fonts: IM Fell English, pirates pw

The typeset (which I did in Word) took a while, mainly because I'd never done it before. Manually adjusting the hyphenation line-by-line was especially tedious. After making these books, I abandoned Word in favor of InDesign, in large part because InDesign gives you way finer control over your justification and hyphenation settings.

Regarding my actual design choices, I'm happy with how the ocean motif on the title page turned out (it's not the same pattern as my endpapers, but they're complimentary) and I'm very fond of my divider dingbats, which are little swords! Goudy Old Style was a fun title font to use, since it's the font that Black Sails uses as its logo. The stories in Vol. 1 are divided into parts based on what Silver WAS at that point in the show (cook, quartermaster, or king), and Vol. 2 is split up into comedies, histories (AUs set in the canon universe) and tragedies - befitting Black Sails' Shakespearean ~vibes~.

I stuck to a flatback binding, as I wasn't feeling quite ambitious enough to try rounding and/or backing. I've learned that I ~Anakin Skywalker voice~ hate sanding, enjoy folding/sewing, and don't LIKE edge trimming but enjoy the results enough to make it worth it.

The real adventure was decorating the cover, which remained bare for months. After agonizing over Illustrator and experimenting unsuccessfully with HTV and lokta paper embossing, I ultimately turned to using stencil vinyl to paint on the designs. There was a bit of seepage under some of the stencils, but I was able to scrape off the excess with my Cricut weeding tool without damaging the coated surface of the bookcloth (probably Arrestox Blue Ribbon from Hollander's). Even though it was very time-consuming, I'm so happy with the end result of the stenciled paint job and I intend to stick with stencils for my foreseeable future binds.

Are there things I would change? Sure. It was humid out when I printed, so the pages have got a wave. There’s an extra two pages in Vol 2. that I have no idea how I missed, and I got a line of glue in the middle of one of my Vol. 2 endpapers. I’m pretty sure I didn’t case in quite right, since my endpapers pull away from the case at the spine. I think the inner margins are a bit too big, and despite going line-by-line there’s still some wacky justification spacing in the typeset. But man, am I proud of these books! It is so satisfying to learn a new skill - MANY new skills, if we’re being honest - and to make something both beautiful and practical. If I’m still binding in two years or so, I can see myself redoing the typeset in InDesign, cutting out the existing text block, and reusing the cases. I’m also already planning for Vol. 3, which will be Silverflint Modern AUs.

Thanks for reading!

[dontaskmemybias]

Ryder's Jisung Recommendations

One Shots

Reckless convictions @moonjxsung This fic??? Hot professor Han falls for a student and chaos ensues. This shit rewired my brain chemistry.

On my mind @staytheword One of the first smut pieces I read and it is just so fucking beautiful. Stressed college student roommates hit home. This fic has stayed with me for so long, it showed me what fics can be like when someone really puts their all into it. I tagged more of Mari's stuff at the bottom because her fics are all so beautiful.

Weather the storm @doitforbangchan Ladies night out gets cancelled due to weather so boyfriend Han comes over and makes a fort with you. So cute, funny, and steamy.

The Heat @hwanghyunjinenthusiast Roommate Han brings home sex cookies. The hottest aphrodisiac fic I've read.

Friend Agreement @cas-skz First time with bff Han. So good. I don't normally love first time fics but this one is so cute and steamy, I couldn't leave it off the list.

Building Forts and Confessions @httpseiki Prompts: "Don't tempt me" and "lets build a fort". Bff2l story that was so good. Reader and Han are adorable and I loved it so much.

I need you, I love you @cb97breathing Amazing f2l with a nice accidental drunk confession. Everything I love in a fic. Belle is such a great writer, their fics are all amazing.

Blue Sunrise @quokkawritesarchive This fic??? Brothers best friend BLUESUNG!! Subby Ji is so hot in this fic jfc.

Same But Different @skzdarlings w/Felix. The world building is ethereal. I would legit read a whole novel. The entire threesome series darling wrote is so good but this one is one I have reread so many times now because it has such a phenomenal story. Check out the sharing a bed series too while you're at it 😘

Series

2:23 AM Pt. 1, Pt. 2 @webcorelino Flora wrote the first smut I ever read. This is from her old account but there was a time when I read this multiple times a week. F2l fic that is just so amazing. First fic I saved in my notes app on my phone.

Like Never Before Pt. 1, Pt. 2, Pt. 3 @writerracha Best friends brother fic that is so fucking steamy and just 🤤

Kinkuary 17, Truth Comes Out, Start of Something New @kwanisms I accidentally read the second one first because I thought these were oneshots but the whole stranger turned best friend Felix's roommate pipeline went so hard. These fics are so damn good.

What could go wrong? Ch. 1, Ch. 2 @daisykihannie Haneul wrote the best incubus Han fic hands down. This series is incomplete as of this moment but I am awaiting the next part! Soooo good.

[s1ckh1mb0]

୭🧷✧ Rnb singer x Laxus ˚. ᵎᵎ 🎀

Headcannon xxxx Laxus is a Dominican man in my heart

Everyone knew that the fairytail guild had amazing entertainment. They had the beautiful Mirajane who always had the most beautiful performances. A famous model, wonderful singer, and amazing wizard she was the most loved. That was of course, right next to you. You were just as famous as the beautiful Mira. She had found you performing at bars and brought you to the guild. You drew attention for your looks. But more importantly your voice. The way you could change it from honey smooth to raspy at will when your were singing. They loved it and it brought you fame relatively quickly. You and Mira performed many songs together. That allowed you to build fame outside of the guild.

You were the new thing in town. The new thing that the guild got to brag about. Gildarts and Romeo were especially bad with this. The two show offs loved to talk about how they had not only Mirajane but you as well. Your looks allowed you to get modeling gigs relatively quickly. The different clothing showing off your curvy body. Your chubby stomach on display without a care in the world. Your showed off your stretch marks in every photo shoot. It drew Laxus in, seeing someone be so real with themselves. He was attracted to you for sure, but he was especially attracted to your confidence. Something about it rewired his brain. He was a cocky dick for sure, having someone match that drew him to you.

Tonight was a special performance for the guild. They had one the guild Olympics so you were performing all night for them. Laxus watched you with great intent in his eyes. No matter how many times he’s seen you he always sized you up. Staring at you while you performed one of your many hits on stage. The way the light bounced off of your skin, the gold jewelry you wore decorating you beautifully. He was taking in very little detail including the dimples that indented your skin. This went on for hours until the guild decided to bar hop and get drunk. As everyone was exiting you lead Romeo and the others kids home. You were about to head back to your place until a deep voice rang out.

“You coming with?”

You were surprised to hear the voice behind you since you thought everyone had already went out. Once you turned around to see it was just Laxus you calmed down.

“Not really feeling it. You know I don’t drink much, Cana’s gonna try to get me blacked out drunk. Plus everyone’s gonna be all couples up. Mira and freed, Julia and gray, Lucy and Natsu, Levy and Gajeel, imma be like eighth wheeling.”

Laxus felt a deep chuckle come from his chest as he looked at you once more taking in your looks. Your plump lips always caught his eyes. He also loved the way you expressed yourself in your appearance. The little rhinestones you glued on your face as piercings so you could always change it up. The different colors you dyed your hair to keep up with your ever changing style. You were expensive and he loved every bit about that.

“So what? You just gonna walk home by yourself and not do shit all night?”

“Damn nigga, you ain’t have to say it like that. But yeah, I guess so.i mean I’d actually like *like* to wake up and remember what I did the night before. I don’t need everyone rubbing there lovey doveyness and shit in my face.”

“Just come back to my place then.”

“…Laxus we are not fucking.”

Laxus looked at you in bewilderment. That hadn’t even come across his mind. Like yeah you’re definitely fine as shit but he felt like he needed to get to know you more before just sticking his dick in you.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“What does it sound like? Inviting me over to your place? Get real nigga, I’m not one of your little fangirls that’s just gonna throw ass to you just cause you’re fine and shit.”

You weren’t an idiot, you were famous and many men and women tried to use that fact to get with you. Trying to get you into their bed using their own face against you. And Laxus by no means was unknown. One of the guilds (if not the most) sought after man. His built physique, blonde curls he always had pushed out of his face to show off the scar on his eye, and especially the grill that covered his bottom row. The girls and gays loved him. He was a show off, he knew he was loved and grew his ego. So when you two et you thought that you’d clash heads but surprisingly not. You both talked about music a lot and he has always been supportive of you and your career. You didn’t want to fuck that up by sleeping with him.

“Man I wasn’t even talking about all that. We’re just gonna chill. You’ve been bugging me about watching that damn Ultraman Rising movie or whatever’s it’s called, we can go do that. Don’t act like I’m someone new, I’m not here for all that.”

“Oh..my bad you right. I guess we can head back to your place.”

He wrapped his arm around your shoulders as the two of you began walking back to his place. The smell of vanilla caught his nose and he looked around only to figure out the sweet smell was actually just you. Oh yeah, he was gonna make sure you were going to be his…

___________________________________________________________________

RAHHHHH I LOVE HIM SM HE SO SEXY

[yoroshiu]

Sora: Expectations vs Reality (Coded vs KH1, CoM, and 3D)

Another Sora analysis because I can't help myself haha (help). But there's been a couple of posts that talked about this topic and it's really rewired my brain, so I also want to take a stab at it. I feel like this isn't something that's looked into/analyzed as much compared to other interpretations of KH's narrative, especially in terms of Sora, or at least I haven't seen it as much across platforms in a mainstream sense (though I do think it's been on the rise in recent times).

So if you're willing to bear with me, then get ready for another long post!

As the title indicates, and as mentioned, other people have brought up, Data-Sora creates an in-universe (and IRL) set of expectations for the actual Sora. While Coded is technically a rehash of KH1 and CoM's plot to an extent (hence its reputation besides its amazing gameplay), the point is to gather and present the stakes KH2, Days, and BBS introduced and set up what Sora's goals are going to be leading into 3D and 3.

The way it chooses to do so is to put a simulated Sora to the test, to see if he can "handle the hurt" and while he manages to do so, as many others have pointed out, Data-Sora's decision about remembering the pain to connect to others contradicts Sora's decision to forget at the end of CoM. Coded dictates that Sora can handle the pain of those within him and/or those who need to be saved. But 3D contradicts that as well. Many say that this indicates a potential point in Sora's development as a character and person, and while I agree, I want to focus on what has shaped him to this point in the first place. I must add, though, that Sora in 3, in terms of what he knows/is aware of by the end, understands a lot more than I've seen some people give him credit for, but this is another opinion in of itself.

Reading full-on long paragraphs might make this even harder to get through so I'll try to place some parts in bullet points (I get info-overloaded easily sometimes due to long paragraphs too ToT):

Coded, as said before, while initially having Data-Sora find/fix the missing/corrupted data in Jiminy's Journal (KH1 aspect), turns into a test to see if Sora can handle the "hurt" of the people he needs to save (CoM aspect).

Data-Sora proves he is willing to take on that "hurt" and can handle it. Which Sora by KH3/ReMind also manages to show.

But this neglects a few things about Sora's character before that point:

Data-Sora in the first part of Coded has guidance from Mickey, Donald, Goofy, and Data-Riku especially D and G who have experienced their KH1 development and are currently ride-or-die for him. The KH1 experience ends up being different for him.

Even though he fights Data-Riku, it can be chalked up to the bugs/possession rather than anything malicious, which contrasts with real Riku before the Ansem possession.

Data-Sora losing his keyblade happened due to Maleficent rather than Riku. Rather than Goofy and Donald leaving him, he's the one that storms off and even then they go after him.

When we get to the CoM portion, Data-Sora doesn't have his memories of what happened in the first half, hence he goes straight to Castle Oblivion without the KH1 experience (also he's initially guided by Mickey, Data-Riku, and Data-Roxas)

In this case, it's a test of strength rather than what happened in CoM where Marluxia and Larxene hoped to break Sora to make him their puppet.

Data-Sora went to the KH1 worlds in each room and was made to forget right after getting through each one

But Sora had his memories from even before the first game actively messed with, while also being made to believe that it was the real Riku attacking him. All of that happened without much guidance from anyone.

What this shows is that while Data-Sora is the ideal outcome of Sora's development, I think as a narrative that presents trauma (intentionally and unintentionally), it emphasizes what the real Sora has been through. Theoretically, had things gone differently for Sora, and he had a proper support system on these journies, he would have been able to make the "right" choice. But he didn't have that. He had to figure a lot of things out and had to pull himself through. In a way, it feels unfair to some extent and it creates the expectations vs reality aspect.

And I believe this comes to fruition in 3D:

Organization XIII successfully overwhelms Sora, his heart ends up breaking under the emotional stress of all the people he's connected to as he's pulled into deeper sleep.

It especially sucks considering that the Mark of Mastery Exam was actively messed with in an outright attempt to break Sora (again).

His failure of the exam makes sense considering he couldn't overcome the Darkness in this real-world application like Riku, but it leaves such a bitter taste, right?

(The logistics of the exam can be argued ngl. Isn't it wild that all cases of the exam we've seen have had an external force get involved and have irrevocable damage on the test takers? Taking lives and souls fr.)

So what we get is a failure of those expectations (at least initially). Reality is much more harrowing and vicious. And that's such an interesting thing to do narratively, it feels purposeful. It establishes a depth to Sora that isn't fully seen and even adds to the concept of Data-Sora being his own existence by extension. By KH3, Sora's low self-esteem is directly shown to us and stems from the reality of his journey. He has a lot of unaddressed scars and while the characters view him as a beacon of hope out of love and respect, many of us acknowledge how harmful that's been to him in the most specific ways.

I really, really hope that the upcoming games build on this and address it, because it'd be so satisfying to see all of this acknowledged and explored! It would feel fitting for Sora to go to Unreality and face the reality of himself.

(I'm sorry if this was incoherent, I'm bad at collecting my thoughts on the spot...I'm open to corrections and additional thoughts!)

[icarus-suraki]

1, 7, and 9 for the movie ask!

It occurs to me that I could just answer Goncharov (1972) for all of these…

Movie Questions Ask Bait!

->what is your favorite film of all time? Very possibly Mad Max: Fury Road. That movie rewired my brain. That movie scraped the rust off my soul. That movie sneaked up behind me and stole my spine. And it was great.

I literally went to see it in the theater seven (7) times. Seven. If you dig back in my blog here to June 2015, you'll see that this place was full of Fury Road. Stills, gifs, music, meta, fic, shitposts, all of it. All of it.

Sidebar: I think my absolute love of Fury Road is what's keeping me from wanting to see the new Furiosa prequel: Fury Road didn't explain everything to death so we, the fandom, had a great time imagining explanations or making things up. We dissected that movie and we also left it alone. I don't want to know too much. I like that world being left a partial mystery. We, like Max, get thrown into it and we're both figuring out how it works as the story progresses. I love that.

I can't exactly explain why I love it so much. The colors, the action, the fight scenes, the music (holy shit the music), the characters, the weirdness, the story itself, the callbacks and parallels, the newness and the oldness of it (it really is a train robbery movie at its core), the sense (ultimately) of hope, the presences of women (old women even!) in action roles… Something about it, maybe everything about it, were just perfect for me at that time and in that place.

Yeah. Favorite movie ever.

->name a movie you’re emotionally attached to? There's so many ways I could take this. Positive attachment? Negative attachment? Very Strange Time in My Life attachment?

Like, I know I can never watch L'Illusionniste, Les Triplettes de Belleville, or Grave of the Fireflies again because I cried just too fucking hard at each of them, which I think is an emotional attachment.

Or I could say the Lord of the Rings movies (all of them). They came out when I was in college and a handful of us were counting down the days to the premiere, watching this miniscule clip of video taken by a fan from a train that showed a glimpse of the Minas Tirith set endlessly, gobbling up any news or leak or rumor about production on Livejournal, engaging in the fandom of that era (which was a whole thing in and of itself), even going to midnight local premiers. So while I'm not a huge fan of the movies, they certainly were a constant presence in my undergrad days.

Or it could be the other movies that rewired my brain: Mad Max: Fury Road (see above), Princess Mononoke (baby's first Studio Ghibli film in 1999 at the local art house theater), Star Wars (only episodes 4, 5, and 6 though; I kind of deny that any others exist), Kiki's Delivery Service (which I had on VHS in college and would watch when I was stressed and depressed because I love the city), Voices of a Distant Star (the concept really got me)…

Or it could be the kids' movies from my own childhood, you know? Robin Hood (1973) is very near and dear to my heart. And Panda and the Magic Serpent is what started me down the weaboo road way back when I was 6 years old.

There's so many possible answers here. But that's a few movies I have emotional attachments to. How's that?

->guilty pleasure movie? Do I have to? Okay, okay, okay: I like a good cheesy, gory giallo movie, red tempra paint blood and all. Spaghetti westerns are amazing with their half-understandings or misunderstandings of USAmerican history to the point that it becomes something different, something bigger and more epic (I love The Good, The Bad and the Ugly so much). Martial arts movies full of dramatic scenes and wire-fu are so much fun (and I get to practice my Mandarin or my Japanese). Gothic drama, especially from the 1990s, is great like the original IwtV, Crimson Peak, The Crow…

But I paid actual, real, hard-earned money for a (digital) copy of Bloodsport and it's so bad. It's so bad! But I love it--maybe as much for meta reasons as anything.

Like, the whole thing is based on this Canadian-American guy Frank Dux's memoirs about being trained in ninjutsu by a mysterious Senzo "Tiger" Tanaka (who probably didn't exist at all and has the same name as a character in You Only Live Twice) and then going on to compete in this international full-contact underground martial arts competition in Hong King (the "Kumite"). Oh and he was also in the military at the time, doing covert missions, so he had to go AWOL to fight in this competition of course. Which he does without being caught. And he keeps outsmarting the CID officers (one of whom is played by a young Forest Whitaker) when they chase him to Hong Kong, meanwhile picking up an April O'Neill-style beautiful American journalist ("reporter" because it's the 1980s).

The whole thing is so clearly ridiculous bullshit but it's marketed as being based on a true story because Frank Dux insisted his bullshit was true. And it was produced by Cannon Films, which is another can of worms entirely (I highly recommend the documentary Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films for more backstory on the company; it is bonkers). And did I mention that Frank Dux is played by Jean-Claude van Damme? And yes he does do the most epic of splits.

And the whole thing is simultaneously so deep in meta layers (self-proclaimed martial arts masters, which ties into Count Dante and the dojo wars, Frank Dux's amazing bullshit and stolen valor, Cannon Films) and yet so incredibly shallow at the same time.

There's minimal plot, zero depth to the characters, massively long flashback sequences, even longer training montages, a totally ridiculous amalgamation of Chinese, Japanese, and Korean cultures into just "Asian Culture," the dubbing in some scenes is practically criminal, there's minimal exploration of the location (Hong fucking Kong!!!) outside of a chase and a throwaway scene about bad restaurant food, and even the fight scenes during the tournament aren't really all that great.

But the Kowloon Walled City gets some screentime (except that it's just a set sometimes). And there are tons of locally-hired extras and bit players, along with a slew of international actors and/or actual martial artists, even if a lot of them have been cast as nationalities other than their own???--like Bernard Mariano, who is Filipino by descent but was born in Hong Kong, had no martial arts experience but got scouted while he was working out, was cast as a "Middle Eastern" fighter named Hossein, but used his pay from the movie for university classes to go on to be an English teacher in Hong Kong. Meanwhile, Jean-Claude van Damme is busy taking his shirt off and wearing super tight spandex underwear (he snaps them in one scene; you're welcome). Leah Ayres is a "reporter," which is really "journalist" and one of the few adventurous jobs acceptable for women in 1980s movies to have, who maybe lives in Hong Kong or maybe doesn't but she's super cute and deserves better than she got in the script; she's The Girl (Leah Ayres is now into pseudoscience). And Donald Gibb is playing this American bar brawler who somehow got invited to this elite fighting tournament and he looks like Kurt Russell in The Thing if he were still infected by the Thing and living out on the ice alone.

Like, I could just keep going. I love this shit. There is so little that's "good" in terms of filmmaking, scriptwriting, cinematography, anything in this movie and yet it entertains the fuck out of me.

Hence: guilty pleasure film.

[weather-mood]

IWTV Fic Recommendations

Turns out I’ve never done a fic recommendations post? I have some recommendations!

Author Recs

Everything nlbv has written. Stunning prose, compelling character work, sex as exploration of trauma, sex as character study. Incredibly harrowing stuff and always mindblowingly well-written. Also for a lighter option, Babyfather (T) lives rent free in my head. For the other extreme end, criminally underrated Slip (M) made me physically gag while reading it and I’m never going to read it again under pain of death.

Everything gaypiratedivorce (@puentera) has written but especially ‘nothing left to give you now’ (E) an old man Daniel x Louis fic which rewired my brain when I read it, it is so excellent, in my head it’s always THE fic. The series ‘two on the road and one at the resurrection’ (T - E) is also a brilliant masterpiece and I’ve fallen behind in Little Kidnaps (M) but it’s soooo good, I’m just waiting until I have a free weekend to read it all from the beginning and catch up again.

Book-Verse Recs

In terms of long fic in book-verse, Begin Again (E) by Licncourt (@licncourt) and The Long Way Home (E) by sofipitch (@sofipitch) and immortal_conclusions are both amazing. As soon as I finished these, I went right back to the start and reread them from the beginning.

Ongoing Multi-Chapters

‘The Splendour of Us’ (E) by lesfleursrouges (@lesfleursrouges) is incredible. A slow moving brutal tragedy that really makes you viscerally feel the horror of time as it stretches out in the wake of Claudia dying the night of Mardi Gras. I can’t wait to see Lestat die a miserable death in it.

i am in love with him. (i gut him as i say it) (E) by luvrluvrluvr. I feel like I can’t even say anything coherent about this because every time I read a chapter I feel like my brain is melting in the best way possible. Genius writer. Makes me feel insane. No notes.

Assorted One-Shots

Assorted one-shots that keep rotating in my brain at the moment:

- Show you mine (M) (Armand x Daniel) by circlegame

- Hunger (M) (Loumand) by Flowerpots (@enterprisery)

- I couldn’t get that boy to kill me but I wore his jacket for the longest time (T) (Armand x Daniel) by aryastark_valarmorghulis

- Hair jar! Hair jar! Hair jar! I mean… it’s rotten work (T) by Quensty (@quensty)

- The seminal masterpiece dirges (M) (Loumand) by boltcutters

- No Sacrilege (E) (Loustat) by narzissus

[beanghostprincess]

Favourite One Piece openings and/or just songs in general?

You can't ask this to a music student and guitarist/singer! I can't choose! there are too many good songs in this anime-

Sogeki no Shima deeee. Umareta Ore waaa. Hyaappaaatsu Hyaku Chu. Lulu Lala Luuuuuu. Nezumi no Medama mo (Lock on!!) Omae no Haato mo (LOCK OOOON!!!) SOOOGEKI NO SHIMA KARA KITA OTOKOOOO LULULU LULU LALAAA SOOOOREEEENIIIGEEEEROOO Sogege Soge Soge SOOGEEEKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING

Okay, no, jokes aside (it isn't a joke. I genuinely ADORE Sogeking's theme) my true rankings (No. I'm not writing essays about them. This post would be too long. If you're curious about my genuine long opinions about a song, send an ask bc otherwise this post will be too long):

Openings:

Crazy Rainbow (this is the song I want all of you to think about when you think about me because it's MY song. I LOVE IT. It's me. It talks about me, actually. I am crazy and I'm a rainbow and a star. Twinkle twinkle rainbow star!!! I heard it once and it became my favorite ever. It's my alarm. I wake up with this banger every day. My friends hate me for this take but honestly, they're the ones who don't appreciate a good set of trumpets and guitars with tropical imagery as background).

Hope (The chorus is WILD. The visuals are so comforting it makes me cry every time. This is the energy I want all of my fanfics to have. It's the representation of my writing turned into music, I think. These are the vibes I want. The lyrics??? Are fucking insane??? Also, Sanji-themed, and it hits close to home).

We go! (I don't need to explain this one, but I wanted to mention that the way he screams BRRREAK OF ROMANCE DAWWWWN rewired my brain completely and that lyric appears on my mind every damn day)

Jungle P (Average opening. Not even that good. It's just cool and happy. HOWEVER! Have you considered that LIFE IS ADVENTUROUS BE AWARE IT'S DANGEROUS WHO'S GONNA BE ONE OF US AND THE TRIP GOES ON BECAUSE WE DA PIRATE OF THE MASS TO THE WEST TO THE EAST GONNA FIND MY WAY SAIL AWAY ALL THE WAY TO ONE PIECE)

Brand New World (The energy this song has makes me literally want to scream in the happiest of ways. The chorus, man, it's insane).

Hikari E (The Catalan Dub makes it better. I'm staying loyal to my native language this time. This is fucking amazing in Catalan. The lyrics are so fucking good they make me want to cry. It's very dear to me, too).

The peak (Really cute! Fun! Such a relief opening to end Wano <3 It's just beautiful visually and stunning. But also it has such peaceful and joyful vibes!! My beloved).

Kokoro No Chizu (This one is awesome. I love everything about it. My fav thing about it is my reaction to watching OP with full screen for the first time. Really fun experience of 'what the fuck is this and also THIS SONG IS A BANGER??')

Bon Voyage (Also my alarm because no other thing besides BON VOYAAAGE being yelled against my ear wakes me up in a better mood. Also, really fun opening. The chorus are basically the best part, ofc, for obvious reasons).

Believe (Once again saying this one hits different in the Catalan Dub. The lyrics are beautiful but also it gives sooo many 2000s opening vibes. I enjoy this song every time)

Endings:

Raise (I am not explaining this one because I think it's obvious why it deserves top 1)

Run! Run! Run! (Who the fuck is focusing on the song when Sanji being silly is right there???!?!??! Fun fact, I had a whole ass moment when I saw this ending for the first time and I had to take a break from watching the show because I went on a full crazy spiral of 'Sanjisanjisannijssnaisanjisanjisansajisanjisanji'. But also, really great song and it makes my brain go brrrrr).

Shouchi no Suke (BROOO THE VIBESSSSS THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD I COULD LISTEN TO THIS FOR HOURS)

Dear Friends (This one makes me want to k word myself so I think that's a very good way to express how fucking good this ending is and how much it hurts me every time)

Eternal Pose (I am vibing. I like vibing. It's the vibes only).

Free Will (I want to hug Robin so tight. This one makes me so emotional. I am in so much pain, please).

(Not even a top 10, this was supposed to be a top 5 but I couldn't leave Free Will behind).

Character songs (with little to no explanation because I work tomorrow and I have to go to sleep but I want to post this now):

River of Freedom (I want to fuck Sabo nasty after hearing this and I am so not ashamed of posting this publicly. My thoughts aren't in the bible).

Dr. Heart Stealer (I want to fuck this man to oblivion and I am a lesbian and asexual. Imagine how hot you have to be for this to happen).

47 Todoufuken Gen Ima Cruise (Yakko Warner would love this).

Hajimari to Owari no Machi (They put drugs in this one).

Girls ni Kubittake (I like submissive Sanji).

Smile for Freedom (I kin Nami)

Save My Heart (The depression of some is the fav song of others)

Headliners (Kidlaw sex)

Usopp Drop (I am in love with Usopp)

Moulin Rouge (I am in love with Sanji)

[silverfoxphil]

dan beginning the last glorious monologue with an existential crisis mention felt so amazing... that video alone shaped so much of who I am, like that video for me is a canon event. it put into words things I was feeling, it rewired my brain. Even if THE QUOTE didn't hit for dan at the time, it really did for me, but obviously I grew up and the world seems to get worse the older you get, so I did end up not feeling it as much anymore. Seeing him work his way through understanding, accepting and then living by that quote by the end of the show feels just incredible, the show is my new existential crisis video, but we're old and openly gay and much more mature about how to approach mental health and the horrible reality surrounding us. I went into wad with a vague idea of what it was gonna be about, I haven't been in the fandom for so long and yet it resonated so much with me, it was a great experience and just quintessential dan (and by extension me, since dan did actually personally raise me) in a way that I can't explain. I love wad.

[comorbidityqueen]

Over a year and a half ago i was lucky enough to be part of an upper spasticity trial to have 5 weeks of intense hand therapy every weekday for 2-3 hours a day. it helped my arm, shoulder, and wrist. I saw immense improvements and actually had the best ever results recorded from the study at that time.

I think back and think to myself "it didn't work". I couldn't move my fingers by the end, and what is wrong with me. I had feelings of shame, guilt and hated myself for trying so hard and not getting the results i wanted.

I had my physiotherapist tell me recently that the problem wasn't in the joint, limb, ect itself, it was in my brain. Not long after that session I had my new psychologist tell me that my brain injury was a trauma in itself. two things i couldn't wrap my head around, because i thought the problem was with me and i just wasn't trying hard enough over the last 18 years to erase this huge part of me that i hated about myself.

Internalised ableism is something that has defined much of my life, and i didn't cause it, i was taught it. Ableism is defined as discrimination against disabled people and/or having a favour for able-bodied people. Internalised ableism is when you're disabled and have that belief about yourself. A short time after my stroke i went back to school a few days a week in a wheelchair where i was relentless bullied for being disabled. This was also a pivotal point in my life when self worth was being developed at the start of adolescence. It was taken away from me because i had the chance to form it like others my age. I was taught to hate myself and struggled coming to terms with what had happened to me, and i still do. I still whole heartedly believe that im living proof bullying can kill you; because it almost did. I spent over a decade of my life struggling with self harm, substance abuse and countless suicide attempts after that trauma, and now in recovery from drugs and alcohol, i can understand just how much that time of my life impacted me.

It's believed that damage to the basal ganglia in stroke victims can be reversed with neuroplascisity (rewiring your brain), yet i have to come to terms with the fact that wasn't a reality for me to a full extent. I am grateful to be able to walk without assistance (although my spatial awareness and coordination is poor), i can talk (with some disordered speech when fatigued and chronic dysphagia), and have somehow perfect vision aside from occasional nystagmus. I have dystonia, spascisity and high tone in my left arm/hand, and despite working endlessly hard on it, remains rigid and paralysed. I have myoclonic seizures on a daily basis and struggle to do some daily tasks, i do everything on my own yet do them slowly. I am very grateful to have a supportive family who cook for me, and ndis services to access the community. I am grateful for the progress i have made and one day hope to understand why this happened to me much like others with lifelong disabilities. After decades of being on pharmaceuticals i am so grateful to be living a holistic life full of amazing natural remedies that help me. This includes castor oil, magnesium oil, a clean diet and of course physiotherapy stretches and exercise.

I know like anyone that has suffered significant trauma in their lives, forging meaning and identity can be hard. Despite every obstacle i have come across in life i still work hard on my daily mobility. I hope one day to show others living with brain injuries and trauma that they too can have meaningful, impactful lives.

[freebooter4ever]

"he's not even a celebrity, why are you so freaked out about this?"

Not a celebrity to you maybe. But okay, too late to respond to my friend's comment i thought of this example: imagine a signed hockey stick your favorite hockey blorbo used to score the most amazing goal of their career, or that puck, or something. That relatively mundane, meaningless item suddenly has significance because of the value you put in it.

Now in this case, the guy passed around his sketchbooks for the audience to look through. This blew my mind. Like A) he didn't treat his sketchbooks like precious commodities and B) he trusted the crowd not to...I dunno break them? Anyway the minute I realized I could potentially touch a sketchbook i was like, holy shit i need to touch a sketchbook (i didnt. The books never made it all the way over to me in the back lmao). But it was like 'wow i understand sports fans better now, because touching this sketchbook that he probably has hundreds of feels like the holy grail'. Like if i could just look through those pages i'd be blessed with some kind of halo light of art.

Anyway, my point being: 'celebrity' is in the eye of the beholder, really. And also it shows how little people really understand of social anxiety. In certain circumstances I am equally terrified of famous people and non famous people alike. For example, last halloween I went to a sculpting demonstration by a random artist I never heard of. I watched in awe, and then spent an hour at the reception getting up the courage to talk to him. I'd never even heard of the guy, I didn't know who he was, but I was still shaking in my shoes trying to say a single damn sentence.

I'm tired of people judging me for this, I'm tired of this being seen as a lack of 'skills' issue - as if I can 'practice' enough to rewire my brain chemistry or personality or whatever. I wish people would instead try to understand a little, and not look down on people like me who just can't fucking network as if we aren't trying hard enough so therefore don't deserve anything LOL.

[eclectic-soulss]

How to become the better version of yourself, using the "opposite action" DBT technique.

There's something called The Opposite Action technique in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). Which basic premise is that by acting opposite to our emotional urges we can rewire, the already existing, neural pathways in our brains. Changing with this, that way in which we react and process things.

In a way (but not quite, and I'll explain why). I think one could compare it to affirmations, but affirmations in the way that the Law of Assumption uses them. Meaning, affirming opposite to the limiting beliefs, the old story, the negative thoughts, and what the 3d shows us. In an attempt to change it, shift it or replace it. Now, I've talked about that before, I'm not a big fan of that approach, because I feel like it can cause a lot of distress in some people (myself included). So, while being in essence pretty much the same, I find they have a few differences.

I feel like the opposite action technique can be a lot more forgiving than affirming the opposite. One, because "action" (more like being tho, but anyway) is needed in the process of manifesting, and because adding up action to the equation can be extra reassuring, further aligning us to that which we want. Two because it relies on momentum rather than on trying to bury and replace one specific emotion or thought.

And what I mean by this? I mean that sometimes affirming opposite can feel like a fight like you have to win against the negative or unwanted thought, emotion, or situation. Like somehow that positive thought has to be stronger than the negative, so It can bury it and take its place. And that, I've found, can create a lot of resistance and self-doubt.

While opposite action feels more like a transmutation, like some type of mental alchemy. You are taking one specific trigger and using the momentum it creates in the form of negative thoughts or feelings, to do something completely different, opposite to that emotion. But this opposite action does not have to be stronger, because you are not fighting, there's nothing to fight against. You are simply transmuting that energy. Because energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only transformed. So, there is no resistance in this technique. Because, again, you're just transforming, not replacing.

But still, that doesn't mean that by doing this technique, you don't get to change and replace your beliefs or emotions, because you do, over time. It is just that this technique is almost unnoticeable. You may not feel the change right away, but over time you will notice how differently you think, feel and act, without you even trying, without you even being able to recall when this shift happened in the first place.

So, there are a few examples that I want to give you. Two come from my personal experience using this technique.

The first time I used this technique, It was a day I was feeling very low, my mood was a complete mess, so much anxiety, so many negative thoughts, every single part of me wanted to just lay down in bed and watch some youtube videos, even though I had stuff to do. But then, I caught myself in that moment, took a deep breath, and went straight to the kitchen to wash some dishes. And I know, it doesn't sound like a lot, but it was an action opposite to what my negative emotions were suggesting me to do. Instead of ignoring my responsibilities by laying in bed, and very probably going into an infinite spiral of negative thoughts, I took control of the situation and acted opposite to that.

Another time I made use of this technique, was very recently. I was on the street, walking my dog. We were on the way home when I saw a neighbour in the distance outside a store, in a street I had to walk by. My first thought was to take another road, so I wouldn't have to face this person and talk to them. And that may sound like nothing for some people, but for someone that has struggled with social anxiety before, It is a living hell. So, I was there, sweaty palms, racing heart, about to take another road. But then I stopped, I noticed how that thought came from nothing but fear. So, I took that anxiety I felt and used it to push myself to keep walking in the same direction. So I did, and I even ended up saying good morning to this person. When I got home I noticed how that anxiety wasn't even there anymore. It was amazing and I felt so empowered afterwards.

And I am aware, that I will have to keep doing it until I reach a point in which I just act, feel and think in a better way because that's what I've become. Because after repetition It became normal to me. Because it now is just who I am. But while that moment comes, I will keep on acting opposite to what my old negative, anxious self would have wanted.

And you can too, deep down you already know how the better version of you looks like, how they feel, how they act, what they do. So instead of repeating the same actions over and over again, recognise when they come from that old accustomed self and act opposite to that. Use the fear, anger, sadness, anxiety that old self feels to push yourself to act opposite. And again, the opposite action does not have to be stronger, a simple act of washing your face when you feel depressed and like doing nothing is more than enough. the simple act of putting your phone away, when all you want to do is listen to some sad music, that will take you into a negative spiral is more than enough. The simple act of staying silent and walking away when the rage within, only wants to scream at someone is more than enough.

Because by acting opposite to what does not align with the highest version of you, is how you become it.

Eclectic Souls

#ConsciousSouls

[chuckepisodes]

Chuck vs. The Helicopter Part 1

It was just another typical day at the Buy More. Except now Chuck was working with Casey there and it made things pretty interesting. Especially when he all of a sudden chase after him when he was chasing a guy who was trying to steal a video game. Chuck was not trying to stop Casey from grabbing that guy and getting the video game back. But he was going to stop Casey from beating up the guy because he knew damn well that was what he was going to do. Casey was able to knock down the guy and looked like he was ready to knock him out when Chuck grabbed Casey trying to stop him.

"Casey, Casey, Casey. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. It's just a video game, okay? Lives are not in danger, and the country is still safe." Morgan came out also trying to catch the guy. He finally caught up and was out of breath. "This guy's been here 24 hours and he's taking the job way more seriously than me." Morgan said. "That's because he's crazy." " Tell me something I don't know." Casey said grabbing the guy and dragging him back into the store. Morgan went along with them talking to the guy, obviously knowing who he was.

Chuck was leaning with his hands on his knees, out of breath. He then looked over at Weinerlicious and saw you working outside cleaning a table. You looked over at him and smiled waving at him. No Chuck has still not told you yet how he felt but he hopes that time will come soon.

Oh! And since Casey is working with Chuck, Sarah is working with you, which Chuck did not know about that part yet. But he knew that she was  posing as an old best friend of yours that you have not seen in years.

Chuck saw you walk back into the store and decided to go over to see you . And yes he was quite surprised to see Sarah there too in uniform. You saw Chuck come in and you smiled.

"Hey Chuck!" "Hey Y/N!" Then he looked over and saw Sarah standing there.  " And...Sarah, what, uh... what are you doing here?" He asked confused. "I work here now, Chuck. Oh, damn. I burned another batch." "Oh don't worry Sarah. I do it quite often too." you laughed. She smiled over at you. "Why are you working here?" Chuck asked. " Surveillance. I can monitor the Buy More from here while you work. And stay here with Y/N. It's just a cover." "Right, all a part of the plan. 'Cause there's a plan, right? I mean, uh, you making gourmet wieners isn't exactly the reason why you joined the CIA, and Casey isn't a natural-born appliance salesman, and the whole kinda government-secrets-locked-in-our-brains thing, uh, that's, I'm sure, not really a boon for national security, so I'm hoping, I mean, I'm hoping that you'll tell us that there's a plan?" You both looked over at Sarah. "We have a plan. There is somebody who can help. We can discuss it further tonight. How about another outing tonight guys? I can pick you both up at 8:00." "Sure! I can drive over to Chuck's place to make things easier for you." "Perfect! Chuck?" "Uh.. Yeah! Yeah that sounds great! I'll uh see you guys later I guess." "Actually wait up Chuck! My shift is all done so I'll head out with you." You quickly went to the back to grab your bag then headed outside with Chuck. "See you tonight Sarah!" You called out before leaving.

Soon as you both left Sarah pulled out a file on a doctor. Then she grabbed her phone to make a call. "Chuck and Y/N are in. Send the doctor."

Back at Chuck's house he was busy trying to figure out what to wear tonight. He went to get his sister's help again. And as usual, Morgan was with them chilling in Chuck's room. "Hey, sis, what do you think of this shirt?" "Did you finally ask Y/N out on a date?!" Chuck slumped his shoulders. "No..Not yet. Still trying to find that perfect time. We are just going to hang out together along with Sarah." "Yeah speaking of this Sarah girl, how come she never mentioned her before? I don't even remember her hanging out with a Sarah." Chuck all of a sudden panicked. "Uh...It was a complicated friendship." "Hmmm...Okay. Well I think it's sweet they're connecting again." "I like it too. Mostly because I get to look at her. She's so hot." Morgan added. Chuck then started looking at another shirt and holding it up. "I'd go with the first shirt, too. It looks really nice with your skin tone." Ellie said. "Oh, yeah? " "Wait a minute-- Morgan has met her, and I haven't? But Y/N has known me so much longer. How come I didn't get to meet her first?" "Well... yeah, they confide in me, Ellie. You know? They-they tell me their deepest, darkest secrets, which, you could, too, by the way." " Here's one: I loath you. " "That's not a secret." Chuck pointed out. "I need to meet this girl. Tomorrow night you along with Y/N obviously. Dinner. Here." "Dinner. Perfect. I'll clear my schedule."

A short while later, the doorbell rang and Chuck went over to answer. He opened the door to find you standing there, looking gorgeous wearing a flowy top with skinny jeans and heels. "Hey Y/N!" "Hey!" you then went over to give him a quick hug. "Sarah here yet?" "Not yet but she should be here soon." "Did you want to go wait outside to wait for her?" "Sure!" Chuck said linking his arm with yours and leading you outside. You were both waiting along the curb. "You look very nice by the way Y/NN." You blushed looking down. "Thanks Chuck. You look good too." You looked back up at him and smiled. Chuck then stood closer to you and put his arm around you while waiting for Sarah to show up. If they weren't waiting for her and knowing she would be arriving any time now, maybe Chuck would have that conversation with you right now. But just like what he thought, here came Sarah driving down the road, pulling up beside you two. You and Chuck were amazed at how nice her car was. "Get in. " "Wienerlicious really pays well, huh? Y/N are you hiding your fancy car somewhere from me?" "Ha! I wish!" You got in on the passenger side as Chuck slid in at the back. "Uh, what are we, uh, what are we doing? We're going to, uh, like, a movie or some dinner? " you asked Sarah. "Not exactly." "What, what does, what does "not exactly" mean, exactly?" you asked.

Sarah then started to drive and you and Chuck looked at each other wondering what you were doing. Sarah eventually ended up pulling into the Buy More parking lot. Sarah got out of the car first then Chuck as he went over to open up your door helping you out. You smiled at him. He was a true gentleman. As you both walked inside the store, you were both becoming more and more confused by the minute. "So...we are here to have our hangout at the Buy More? Is this all part of the plan or a chance for me to clock in some overtime? " Chuck asked. "There's a doctor coming to see you two. He worked on the encoding process for the intersect, the computer that Bryce destroyed, the one that's in your heads. He's coming to examine you two.”

“Uh-huh, uh, and-and does this examination involve, say, I don't know, needles or perhaps probing of some kind? " Chuck asked. "The doctor is our best shot at helping you. It's what you want, right? To get the secrets out of your heads. " "Yeah. Yeah, of course. But you-you still... you're still being very vague about the probing, and I'd like to know the answer to that." You said. " We've rewired the home theater room for this test. When the images start, just say what they are. " Sarah said. "That's it?" Chuck asked surprised. " I'm sure you'll finda way to screw it up." Casey said. So encouraging you thought. "The doctor's here." Sarah said. " When do we get to meet him?" you asked. " You don't. It's important that he doesn't see you. You're too valuable." " Thanks. I'm flattered and totally freaked out." Chuck said. "Come on let's go." You said grabbing Chuck's hand and leading him to the home theatre room, ready to get this over with.

[aphrodites-law]

My Favorite

Trope: Soulmate marks.

Twist: Lexa doesn’t have one. Clarke does.

4/? - (Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3)

~

Lexa's first week of teaching was as much a learning curve for her as it was for her students. Starting middle school was a big step, and the nerves of some kids were especially noticeable. Lexa managed quite quickly to spot who the quiet ones were and who would give her trouble, and other than a few hiccups, everything had gone according to plan. Teaching the same subject multiple times a day wouldn't always be the most rewarding thing, but she was excited about the highs and the lows ahead.

Friday came quickly. By the time Lexa made it back to her apartment around 4pm, she had already questioned what she should wear a dozen times. She'd even texted Anya, but her friend had been no help, suggesting she forgo clothes entirely. She opted for slim black pants and a blouse in the end, left her hair loose and bought a bottle of wine on the way. Clarke hadn’t given her any hint as to what they would do, or if it was even a date at all, but wine always seemed appropriate.  

When she got to Griffin Hotel, Lexa walked into the foyer and saw Jake reading a magazine behind the counter.

"Hi, Jake."

He looked up and set his magazine aside. "Ah, I figured."

"Pardon?"

"She'll be right down."

Jake tapped the call bell twice and then looked toward the stairs. Lexa noticed a few decorations and strings of lights in boxes on the desk.

"Are you having an event?" She asked.

"Good friends of the family getting married soon," Jake nodded, looking quite proud. "We're throwing a casual get-together in the garden tomorrow."

Footsteps coming down the stairs made Lexa turn her head. She saw Clarke come her way and felt her heart speed up.

Hi, Clarke mouthed.

Lexa felt like a teenager all over again, as if they were on their way to prom rather than on a first… whatever this was. Clarke was wearing a pale yellow dress with a jean jacket over it, and a purse slung over her shoulder.  

"Hi. I… got this. Don't know if it's any good honestly," Lexa said while extending the wine.

Clarke smiled sweetly and signed thank you, which Lexa was thrilled to understand. She'd done her best to keep studying daily since their last encounter, picking up on very basic etiquette thanks to hours of YouTube videos. Clarke turned to her father and set the wine on the counter, signing something that made him shrug.  

"No guarantees any will be left, kiddo."

Clarke rolled her eyes before taking Lexa's arm to make their way outside. Lexa had already noticed with Raven that people didn't sign back to Clarke, instead answering her vocally. Maybe it was just the way Clarke preferred interacting, though Lexa still intended to practice as much as possible. She was a long way from a conversation, and the night ahead would surely present some challenges in terms of communication, but Lexa didn't have a worry in the world about it. Clarke had not let go of her arm since they walked out of the hotel, which meant that, as far as Lexa was concerned, the night was already perfect.

"I'm into the mystery," she said after a while, "but is there any way you'd disclose a general location of where we're going?"

Clarke shook her head with the ghost of a smile on her face.

"Is it a restaurant?"

Clarke squeezed her arm, which Lexa guessed meant- "Am I lukewarm?"

Clarke seemed determined to keep her expression in check.

"A movie?"

At that, Clarke wrinkled her nose.

"Yeah, I'm not really a fan either on first d-" Lexa bit her lip. "Hard to get to know someone that way."

They walked past a small park, where street lamps illuminated the sidewalk lined with trees. With the end of summer was coming the fall of leaves, leaving the ground covered. Lexa had never been around this part of the city before, but she was looking forward to the changing season taking over the city.

“So you were out of town?” she asked Clarke.

Clarke stopped walking and suddenly motioned for Lexa’s phone.

“Oh, sure.” Lexa watched Clarke take her phone and then type something dizzyingly fast. She gave it back to Lexa before grabbing her own and repeating the process. Lexa felt her phone vibrate. She looked down and found a text:

Clarke 🙊

Sorry, it’ll be faster like this than the notepad.

Lexa nodded. “Of course. Whatever you prefer. You can sign too; helps me rewire my brain.”

They started walking down the sidewalk again. Another message appeared: 

I’m an art therapist. Sometimes I go over to Arkadia to my mom’s rehabilitation center.

“That’s amazing,” Lexa said. “What kind of art?”

Clarke signed slowly, which Lexa picked up on thanks to the context. She'd found that context was key in understanding most phrases, as there were sometimes fewer nuances in vocabulary than spoken language. She understood ‘painting’, ‘drawing’, and ‘sculpting’, though the rest seemed to be a lost cause no matter how slow Clarke signed it.

“Oh, I know, you set bowling balls on fire,” Lexa guessed.

Clarke laughed, then texted again: HOW did you get that?

“You don't have to deny it; that was a very obvious fireball sign, Clarke."

Clarke shook her head with amusement, eyes watering a bit. Lexa couldn’t stop smiling. "Your secret's safe with me."

Slowly, they made their way toward a more active part of the city, where the nightlife seemed to come alive. There were packed bars and restaurants, people coming in and out of movie theaters, and large groups chatting on sidewalks. They took a turn on a narrower street, where Clarke stopped by a heavy door and pounded her fist against it. The door was so thick that it barely made any noise at all. What kind of place could be tucked away and looking like the entrance to an abandoned warehouse?

They waited just a moment before a tall man with a shaved head opened the door.

“Hey, Clarke. Long time no see!”

They hugged before the man stepped aside to let them in. Once inside, it was like they had entered a bubble. Singing and music could be heard from the room over.

Lexa extended her hand to the man. “Hi. I'm Lexa.”

“Lincoln,” he answered with a firm grip. “You teach at Polis MH, right?”

Lexa glanced at Clarke. “Yes, how do you-“

“Oh I think you’ll find it’s a pretty small city. My wife is a substitute there. Come on in!”

Once past the narrow corridor, they were led into a room that looked like an underground bar. Lexa had never seen a place like it. It seemed like a speakeasy that had stood the test of time, now refurbished but still with a distinctive look that gave it an old-fashioned appeal. Where Raven's coffee shop was all geared toward science and the future, this bar was firmly rooted in the past. Most of the patrons were gathered by a makeshift stage, where a woman with a smoky voice sang indie tunes backed by her band.

Clarke looked at Lexa intently, eager for her reaction.

"Wow. I would’ve never found this place in a million years."

Clarke took her arm with a grin, leading her to the bar. The bartender, a short and robust woman with cropped hair, immediately signed at her. Clarke made a two sign before turning to Lexa, who had no clue what had just been ordered but reached for her wallet regardless.

"I'll take hers," she started to offer, but felt a hand cover her wrist. Clarke shook her head at her.

"I asked you out, it's only fair."

Clarke pointed to the ceiling.

"I know you chose the place but that won't change my mind."

Clarke huffed. Lexa looked around and then brightened when she saw an empty pool table in the back.

“Do you play?” She asked.

Clarke shrugged. Lexa took Clarke's hand and led her to the table.

“Alright, how about this...” Lexa trailed off, overly confident in her pool skills. “Whoever wins a game of eight-ball gets to cover the tab.”

Clarke arched a brow and mouthed Deal. She grabbed a cue stick and took the rack off the table, then leaned down with her cue in place. Her tongue peeked out just a hint as she focused and then took a powerful shot, knocking three balls in the pockets.

Oohs erupted around them as Lexa’s mouth fell open. Clarke stood up and stared straight at her from across the table, pretending to blow on the cue like it was a smoking gun before she actually winked.

“Fuck me.”

~

The night went by quickly, so quickly that when Lexa saw that it was well after midnight, her heart clenched in disappointment. They'd played a few more games of pool, all of which Lexa had badly lost, and then went on to try some of the cocktails on the list. They'd listened to the songs - where Lexa had fought against the urge to invite Clarke to dance, thinking maybe it was too soon - tried a game of darts, and then eventually had left to get some fresh air.

In the most casual way, Clarke had slipped her hand in Lexa's while they walked down the longest street in the city. It was thrumming with life and excitement; neon colors in places and soft glows in others. Clarke pointed things out that Lexa missed, like the murals on the sides of buildings or the food trucks she liked. Lexa bought two gelatos while Clarke quickly chatted with friends they'd bumped into, smiling cheekily when Clarke narrowed her eyes at her.  

"We said cover the bar tab, not cover the entire night…" she'd justified.  

When they made it back to the front of the hotel, Lexa couldn't believe their night was already over. Clarke let go of her hand and leaned against a part of the brick wall. Lexa took a deep breath.

"Tonight was incredible," she said softly. "Thank you for showing me around. And crushing me at pool - it was a needed wake-up call."

Clarke grinned. Lexa didn't want to see things that perhaps weren’t there, but Clarke… looked at her in a way that made it hard to ignore the flutter in her chest. Trying to stall, she glanced toward the door and noticed a wooden sign propped up by it, with Echo & Bellamy carved in it.

"Echo and Bellamy… are they the ones who took six years to date?"

Clarke nodded. She seemed to get an idea then and typed a message:

You should come to the party we’re throwing them tomorrow. Starts at 5pm; it'll be fun.

Lexa felt mild panic, thinking maybe Clarke felt the need to invite her because she'd brought it up.

"Oh, I wouldn't- I'm sure it's friends and relatives only…"

Clarke bit her lip, perhaps just as aware this was moving fast. Inviting someone to friends' engagement party wasn't without its own implications. She signed something slowly, which Lexa guessed the meaning of.

"I'll think about it," she agreed.

Clarke seemed relieved. Her eyes flickered down to Lexa's lips before she caught herself and quickly signed something, easy enough for Lexa to understand.

"Goodnight, Clarke," she answered before watching her go.

~

In the end, there was very little to think about. Lexa had slept the best she'd had in weeks, on cloud nine after her night with Clarke. She couldn’t explain why she felt such a need to see her again, like time was wasted without her.  She had picked out her best summer dress and stopped second-guessing herself. 

On her way to the hotel, she picked out flowers, figuring that if it was clearly too much, she could always play them off as a last-minute gift to the bride-to-be. She walked inside and stopped by the desk, but the foyer was empty. Lexa figured she should text Clarke first.

She’d pulled up their conversation when she glanced at the desk and did a sudden double-take. 

A photo of Clarke tucked between the computer and a stack of papers caught her eye. She was wearing a graduation gown and standing next to her father with a wide smile. But the sleeve of her gown was pulled down, showing off an unmistakable mark. 

Lexa’s heart sank in her stomach. 

It was minuscule, just four words from what she could see, but so faded they were illegible. Anyone would miss them at a glance, but wrist tattoos were illegal for the Markless, and as such Lexa knew it couldn't be anything else.

Clarke had a soulmate. 

It was all it took to crush Lexa’s hopes. She looked away from the photo and tried to calm her breathing. But why was she so surprised? Of course Clarke would have a mark. Of course she was destined to happiness that someone like Lexa wouldn't be able to provide.

Lexa had thought that settling wouldn’t be as bad as they said if it was with someone like Clarke. She was creative, kind, confident and unbelievably patient - and they'd made each other laugh. What else did anyone need in a partner? Lexa had thought she’d felt a connection, but the ending was always the same: dreams turned into dust. There it was - the mark that made it clear she would just be a layover again. That Clarke would entertain her until she met her soulmate and Lexa became an obstacle to walk around.

But Lexa couldn't go through that pain again. This time she knew it would be too much to bear if she allowed Clarke to hold her heart in her hands. She couldn't do it. Wishing for the best when the best didn't happen to people like her… was self-destruction.

Clarke would get over it. She was with her friends, she'd be fine. Maybe tonight she'd even bump into someone else and they'd utter the words that would change everything for her.

Feeling herself tremble, Lexa set the flowers on the front desk before she darted outside. She swallowed back the lump in her throat and wiped a quick hand over her watery eyes. These feelings that had grown - she would nip them in the bud, and swiftly.

~

At the peak of the celebration, while families and friends were still enjoying the food and drinks, Clarke found herself wandering between the garden and the front of the hotel. She looked down at her watch and then around again, disappointed that there was still no sign of Lexa.

She found a discarded bouquet of flowers at the front desk and picked it up to put it in water, wondering who could've gotten such nice flowers only to forget them. Later, in the garden, she sat on one of the benches and watched Echo and Bellamy slow-dancing, clearly not bothered by Echo's round belly between them. Clarke's smile slowly fell as she noticed just how many pairs had gotten up to dance as well. She ran her hands down her dress and looked toward the cobbled path, sighing when no one appeared.

Perhaps something had come up at the last minute. Or she'd been too hasty. She looked down at her mark and rubbed her finger over it, frowning when she noticed something.

She lifted her wrist up closer, thinking it was a trick of light, but there was no mistaking it: her mark had faded more.

-

Part 5

[hellzyeahwebwieldingreviews]

Untold Tales of Spider-Man 13: Arms and the Man – by Keith R.A. DeCandido

99% great!

Randall Andros, a noted writer of “celebrity life stories” (his previous book being on Tony Stark) wants his last book in his current contract to be on Dr. Otto Octavius. “[N]ot just Dr. Octopus,” as he tells his editor, “Otto Octavius. He was a respected scientist before he got his extra arms and went cuckoo. People talk about Doc Ock all the time. I want to let everyone know who Otto Octavius is.” After getting his okay, Randall decides to call his new biography, “Requiem for an Octopus: The Life of Dr. Otto Octavius.” He freely admits he “stole the title from Rod Serling.” (Serling’s teleplay is “Requiem for a Heavyweight.”) He researches Otto’s career from respected scientist to arch-criminal, leading up to his recent plan to poison the ink “that the New York Daily Bugle was printed with” (which occurs in Amazing Spider-Man Annual #15, 1981. (The Continuity Guide tells us this story takes place right after that.) 

His next step is to interview friends and family. He tracks down “a paternal uncle named Karl Octavius, living in Detroit, Michigan and a maternal cousin named Thomas Hargrove.” Thomas previously worked with Otto at the United States Atomic Research Center, which has since been shut down by the Department of Energy. First, he interviews former USARC employee Brian Huss who tells him about Mary Alice Anders who dated Otto “but he broke it off. Rumor has it that he got her fired, actually.” After interviewing a number of former USARC employees and getting no consensus on Octavius, Andros decides he must track down Mary Alice Anders.Soon after, Randall learns that Mary Alice (Anders) Burke and her husband Ronald “had been among the victims in a nasty car accident on the West Side Highway a month previous. 

Mary Alice had survived; Ronald hadn’t.” Randall contacts the doctor at the hospital who agrees to let her know about his interest. He puts his research assistant to work tracking down Thomas Hargrove and Karl Octavius and goes to the Bugle to interview Ben Urich, Charley Snow and Jacob Conover, then J. Jonah Jameson himself (who tells him how Peter Parker once disguised himself as Spider-Man to save Betty Brant from Doc Ock). This process leads him to an old article on Octavius detailing a press conference by brain specialist Kevin Hunt who had reported that Otto had suffered brain damage. “But only three weeks ago, Hunt was interviewed on a local news program right after Octavius’s most recent capture, and he hedged a good deal more about the apparent brain damage.”Andros contacts Hunt who tells him that “while it could have been brain damage, it could also have simply been his cranial chemistry rewriting itself to accommodate these four new limbs.” He talks to Thomas Hargrove and learns little. Karl Octavius tells him, “My brother was a fat slob who married a fatter slob and they had a far slob of a kid who grew up to be a psycho chicken.” Peter Parker then contacts Randall and tells him that he not only dressed as Spider-Man against Octavius but that his Aunt once took Otto in as a boarder. Randall assesses what he has so far. “Was [Otto] insane or not? What kind of person had he been before the accident? What kind of person had he become afterward? Had he ‘become’ anything, or had he not changed?” Suddenly, these questions are in danger of remaining unanswered as the lawyers move in. 

Mary Alice Burke’s lawyer tells him she is suing Otto and shouldn’t talk. The Vulture’s lawyer also tells him his client will not speak. And Octavius’ lawyer gets a court-ordered “cease and desist with my research” because it could prejudice Otto’s trial.Soon after, Randall’s editor calls to tell him that he must pick another subject for his book but that Octavius wants to talk to him. “No tape recorders, no lawyers, no notes, just a conversation.” Even with the book cancelled, Randall can’t pass this up. He goes to Ryker’s Island where he meets Dr. Octopus. After demanding to know why Randall wants to write a book about him, Otto agrees to answer some questions. In the short interview, Octopus implies that the explosion that fused him to his tentacles was no accident. When Randall brings up Otto’s mother, the criminal quickly ends the conversation.Heading home, Randall decides that “the man I had talked to was many things, but crazy just was not one of them.” He tries to get a handle on Octopus but cannot. “Maybe it wasn’t possible,” he thinks, “Maybe you had to be like him to understand him. And I did not want to be like him. The very idea made my flesh crawl.”

When Randall returns home, he finds a man in his apartment. The man pulls a gun, says, “My name’s Niner. We got a mutual acquaintance in common, Mr. Andros. Name of Otto. He wanted to send a message to people who mess around with his life,” and then shoots. Randall lies bleeding on the floor, expecting to die. But then Spider-Man shows up at his window. As Spidey explains, “My old buddy Peter Parker said you were writing a bio of Doc Ock. I came by to chat about it – and tell you to pick another subject. Looks like I’m too late.” Randall asks Spidey why he’s always fighting Octopus. Spidey replies, “[P]art of it’s a kind of there-but-for-the-grace-of-God thing. I got my powers from radiation just like he did, but it didn’t make me nuts.” Randall grabs Spidey by his costume and tells him, “Listen!...Ock’s not nuts. I talked t’him, I listened t’him. Not insane. He’s aware of actions, he just doesn’t care.” Then he passes out.Randall wakes up in the hospital, brought there by Spidey. While there, he receives roses from Spidey with a note, “Best wishes for a speedy recovery. I hope you’re wrong.” When he leaves the hospital, Randall quits biography for fiction, never writing the last book in his contract. “And when I think back over my life – a frequent occurrence since almost losing it – I come to the same conclusion: the dumbest thing I ever did was tell my editor that I wanted my next book to be on Dr. Otto Octavius, aka the super-villain Dr. Octopus.”

This story is over all really good. The points of contention lie with the fact that Otto’s murder of Captain Stacy is such a huge plot point when in reality Otto didn’t kill Captain Stacy, he died in an act of self-sacrifice. Additionally I feel the story sort of just stopped rather than ended.

Nevertheless this was a great yarn set circa the Denny O’Neil run of Spidey and a companion piece to Otto’s origin from Unlim #3. In that sense it represents Doc Ock, unquestionably an indelible aspect of the Spidey mythos.

I feel cheated a little that we didn’t get to see Mary Alice but we did get more information on her nevertheless and the story was wonderfully meta. Otto in spite of being one of the most famous Spider-Man villain ever is one of the most inconsistent of all his rogue’s. The story takes advantage of that to explore a fundamental question of his sanity.

There was a brilliant retcon used to world build in the story too, specifically in establishing Otto’s ‘brain damage’ was in reality just his mind rewiring itself to operate his arms. The story’s conclusion is likely to rub some people the wrong way as they feel Otto is very much a MAD scientist, but I think the fact that he’s in fact someone terrible as opposed to simply going bad after a bump to the had renders him far more complex and compelling.

Aside from some tiny points of contention I’d rate this quite highly within the anthology and kind of wish it was turned into a canon comic book. 

[tsukiyaki]

2020 LC: Session 3

Meeting dates: 3.25 & 4.10

Our first of many remote cohort meetings. I’m thankful to technology for keeping us connected as we shelter in place.

I went in very miffed that I wasn’t allowed to use the Zoom desktop app on my corporate device anymore, which meant no more gallery view of all the participants :( I came out begrudgingly admitting that that actually improved my learning experience. 

Confession: being able to see everyone at once makes it easy for me to get distracted by or only focus on the people I find most interesting. My natural tendency is to tune out anything but the most captivating thing in front of me. But when I’m always looking at the face of the current speaker, and the web interface is so bad that chatting someone else up privately is inconvenient, I actually focus, listen, and engage. 

From strangers to friends

This session was a turning point for me. It marked a significant shift in relational dynamics. I noticed that I was waiting eagerly to see many different people, not just A. When they showed up, I couldn’t contain a heartfelt smile. These were no longer strangers in a dull corporate setting who I felt like I had to prove myself to. They had become people I trusted and felt safe to be myself around. 

I was much more confident in the value that I inherently brought just by being me, and that gave me the freedom to start to earnestly invest in their growth too. To my delight, I also discovered that I’m the only Nurturer in the entire cohort. Although having another Nurturer would challenge me to grow a lot more in learning to speak up even if someone else has similar value to add, I will shamelessly milk this opportunity to feel amazing about being the uncontested resource my cohort turns to every time we talk about Nurturers.

I felt so alive and excited every time someone asked me a question about how to work with Nurturers and communicate with them better. I was so heartened that there are people who care to ask these questions. Then I started to enter “I’m so high, I feel unsafe” territory when the Pioneers showed me they respected me. 

From nemesis to confidante

One of the Pioneers I had talked to in our last cohort meeting, an entire month ago, shared that I had opened her eyes to what she can sound like to quieter leadership voices. Another Pioneer reached out and asked to talk to me regularly outside of cohort hours for advice on how to communicate better with her husband, a Nurturer Connector like me. 

Pioneers are one of the Nurturer’s nemesis voices, but they also happen to be the voice that I am personally most drawn to. We learned that younger couples have a tendency to marry their nemesis voice out of some inherent survival instinct that draws us to people who can complement our weaknesses with their strengths (we have a lot of Pioneer Nurturer couples). Apparently the older we get though, the more likely we are to marry someone with a voice similar to ours, because we’re less willing to change. I have personally concluded from this information that I am still young.

Overall, this cohort session convinced me that there’s great value in walking through a leadership journey with a consistent group of people like this. It also helped me realize that my voice truly does matter.

From father to Father

If you recall, Session 2 had been a trainwreck for me. What changed between then and now was some deep soul searching and coming back into alignment with God.

It started with my prior shame from imposter syndrome and guilt being annihilated by grace. 2 weeks before this session, I “confessed my sins” to A during our 1:1, ready to grovel for forgiveness. Instead, he only teased me once for calling him a liar before speaking into the insecurities I confessed to having. This cohort has been rewiring my brain to stop calling people out for their past failures, and to start calling them up into who I firmly believe they can be, like A continues to do for me.

As one of my friends had sent me into this call with the blessing, “I hope he makes you cry again,” I thought I had won by not leaking tears. So as the call came to an end, I proudly declared, “It was a close one, but I didn’t cry!” A immediately confirmed that he thought he saw me tear up twice, but he wasn’t sure until now. Then he invited me to talk about it, if I was willing to. I was so shocked that he even noticed. My foolish pride led me down a whole different path of vulnerability.

It didn’t take long for either of us to realize that as much as I didn’t want to be, I was in danger of projecting the needs my dad never met in my life onto him, simply because he has been everything to me that I never thought a male authority figure could be. 

He set me back on the right path by firmly yet gently telling me, “I don’t want to be your dad. I can’t be. I’m human, and I will eventually fail you one day. You cry about this topic because it’s still raw and fresh in your heart. What you need to do is run to the Father again and again and receive His love. You’ll know when the healing is complete. One day, you'll be able to think and talk about these things without crying anymore.”