#the way i literally have to sneak up on this chapter (doing analysis book by book and then linking it together)

[howlsmovinglibrary]

6500 / 10000 words into the FINAL CHAPTER OF MY FUCKING THESIS and we are VIBRATING IN OUR CHAIRS LADS.

[thebestofoneshots]

listen i know i’m late but i needed time to read this and process because i knew it was gonna be big AND I WAS RIGHT OMG THIS CHAPTER WAS AHHHHH

ok i’m sorry this is gonna be long full analysis mode.

first of all when reader was reading and remus shows up i would have thrown the book in a panic. she’s better than me coming up with lies out of thin air!!

but also the story about sirius eating a moonflower sounds so cannon to me like he would eat random wildlife and not think about the consequences!!

i screamed when remus sent the note to alice like PLEASE WE ARE RIGHT HERE!!! LET ME LOVE YOU!!! LET SIRIUS LOVE YOU!!! LET US TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! like how do i show you i could treat you better??? ALEXA PLAY TREAT YOU BETTER BY SHAWN MENDES!!!

when i tell i audibly went “oh my god bro WHO INVITED YOU?!?!?” when evan, barty, and snape appeared like how can someone be so entitled??? and the way they were treating reader??? it pissed me off she couldn’t defend herself like shawty needs a gun at this point 🙄 give them a good old american welcome

but when they mentioned the bow???? omg???? I LOVE HOW MY POOKIE WENT THE EXTRA LENGTH TO. PROTECT US AND IT JUST MAKES IT SO MUCH MORE SPECIAL WHEN. SHE GAVE IT TO READER AND THW WHOLE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR JOKE LIKE ANDENJSNSKS

leading to the shrieking shack the way barty talks just makes me mad for some reason like idk he’s just so annoying but besides that the way reader didn’t just give up and actually fought to try and get out? i love her and how smart she is like finding a iron poker and trying to open the door and then using the silencing spell to her advantage to be quiet when she was sneaking around to the room and using it as a weapon??? what a clever fox!!!

SPEAKING OF THE ROOM SHE BURST OPEN!! REMUS!!! my boy being so concerned about reader he doesn’t even question why she’s here just trying to make sure she’s ok ☹️ he’s everything! the “ Remus was completely focused on you, he wanted, no, he needed to comfort you.” destroyed me. like his need to comfort reader??? are you kidding me??? sobbing.

AND REMUS FOUND OUT READER KNOWS!!!! OMG FINALLY!!! remus just going “i wanted to tell you” like babe you don’t owe us NOTHING!!!! you don’t need to tell us anything you don’t want to???

but remus asking reader if she knew any defensive spells and reader going you mean MURDER SPELLS?!?!? hell nah i burned that shit. and remus being upset like you need to defend yourself and readers little “if it comes down to me vs you i’m picking you” THROWING MYSELF OFF THE ASTRONOMY TOWER OMG!!!!

ok but can we talk about the “Don’t be so fucking stubborn and bomb the shit out of me.” and reader using that to remember a spell??? how smart is she???? like and the way she was so quick with it too and immediately put up a protective spell over her and remus??? AND THE WAND!!! LETS TALK ABOUT THE WAND LETTING READER USE IT!!!! we all know the whole the witch/wizard doesn’t choose the wand the wand chooses the witch/wizard and how picky the wands can be AND YET REMUS’ WAND LET READER USE IT AS IF IT WERE HER OWN?!?!? I LOVED THAT DETAIL SO MUCH!!!

but back to reader and remus i gasped so loud when reader realized this was exactly like her dreams LIKE NOOOOO!!! but i loved how she used the nightmare to her advantage and used it as a guide almost? AND WHEN SHE USED THE WHOMPING WILLOW AGAINST REMUS!!! (or rather moony) I CANT SAY THIS ENOUGH SHES SO CLEVER AND SMART AND QUICK!!! (ahem ahem 🦊)

when reader ran to the woods instead of the castle my thoughts were “well maybe now she can find the moonflower!” and then it mentions her finding the moonflower and all i can think about is “PROPHET PROPHET!!! IM A PROPHET!!!!” 😭

also the bones of the fox??? and moony just appearing out of no where??? that’s literally horrific. but when she was trying to reason with remus but used moony instead and HE LISTENED!!! THAT WAS SO SMART!!! LIKE I LOVE HOW YOU MADE REMUS AND MOONY TWO DIFFERENT BEINGS!!! AND THE WAY IT SEEMED LIKE MOONY WAS ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION AND LISTENING TO READER?!?!? IT WAS SUCH A COOL MOMENT!!! AND I WANT MORE OF THEM INTERACTING!!! because now i’m wondering if the reason why people couldn’t reason with werewolf’s wasn’t because the wizard/ witch couldn’t reason with them but because they’re literally gone and it’s a whole different being that has different relationships and a different personality! which is why moony didn’t want to attack prongs, wormtail, and padfoot! BECAUSE THOSE ARE MOONYS FRIENDS!!!! like how james, peter, and sirius are remus’ friends!!!!! OMG SO MANY THOUGHTS AND I KNOW THEY DONT MAKE SENSE BUT HEAR ME OUT ITS ALMOST OVER!!!

i was so upset when sirius showed up like i wanted to see more of reader and moony see if she could actually convince him to leave her alone but i get it from sirius pov he thought there was no reasoning all he wanted to do was protect reader and the way reader wanted to protect “fang”??? she’s a sweetheart

can we bring up how fucking smart reader is again??? like she keeps on putting everything together so fast it’s scary! the way she realized the animals around her were sirius, james, and peter??? and the way she was just so proud of her friends for becoming an animagus! BUT THE WHOLE “ Finally, you smiled, recalling one last trick you had under your sleeve.” I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT AND I CANT WAIT TO SEE IT PLAY OUT!!! IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT SINCE I BROUGHT UP THE THEROY IN THE EARLIER CHAPTERS!!!! AND ITS FINALLY COMING AND THE CLIFFHANGER HAS ME IN A CHOKEHOLD!!! I NEED MORE!!!

lord….i’m sorry for how long this is i’ll cut it off here it was an amazing chapter and i can’t wait for more

OK IM GONE!!!

Your theories never fail to amaze me, darling! I freaking love reading them so much! The longer they are and the more I read the more I realize all the tiny little details I've placed in the story are so worth it because my sweet Sherlock Holmes level of detail readers are just the absolute smartest ever?!

Like you're calling reader so smart but you had a theory about what's gonna happen next like 7 weeks ago? You're just as equally clever my little fox! And I would def give you the prophet title too.

And then you see so many things that make writing so worth it, I swear I LOVE THIS!

I love you guys so much, Wednesday is coming sooner than ever, so you will not be hanging off that cliff for so much more.

Read Gilded Constellations Here

[bleulone]

i love your analysis so much! i have a question as well, like, how do you envision polin's sex scenes ? thanks for your answer (:

    Hey! Thank you very much :)) I have no idea if they are that even good but I’m happy you like them. It’s just my brain tending to produce some iNsIGhiTfUL analyses though they usually end up drowned under a huge wave of stupidity and horrid spelling/grammatical mistakes XD. So, about Penelope and Colin’ sex scenes, I guess we’re getting spicy in this house 🌶. I mean, I don’t blame you. Who’s not hot for Polin ?! The steamy Polin hours have already begun and they’re legit challenging my patience. (Be still my Polin heart, be still).

   Okay, without further ado, let’s talk about sex baby, shall we ? It’s a pretty long answer/meta so bear with me.

    I don’t know if you’ve read Romancing Mister Bridgerton, but a quick reminder (for those who haven’t... yet), there are a bunch of iconic steamy scenes that I’m dying to watch on screen. First we have the famous “thank you” scene where Penelope, now a 28 year-old spinster, asks Colin to kiss her because she doesn’t want to die without having been kissed... then ends up thanking him— which happens to be humiliating for our 33 year-old boy because he thinks that she thinks he did it out of pity while he absolutely did not. The man definitely felt butterflies in his stomach... and in other places as well lol. We also have the ICONIC carriage scene where Colin gives Pen’s generous bosoms™ the attention they deserve. This is followed by his proposal. Later on, after the announcement of their engagement, there’s a pretty hot make-out scene on Lady Violet’s sofa. Finally, we have their first time in Colin’s bedroom, after sneaking out of their own engagement party... which leads Colin to push the wedding date forward. At this point, I just love their horniness, especially Colin’s who’s just so freaking amazed by Penelope for more than 300 pages straight (duh! who isn’t ???).

    When you say envision, I suppose you mainly refer to the way those scenes will be filmed right ? I’m afraid I don’t have an advanced knowledge in film-making but let me start by telling you what elements need to be depicted. I would love Shonda and Chris to capture the real essence of our boos’ feelings : the yearning, the love, the respect and the guilt (specifically on Colin’s side) in their eyes. The more we move forward throughout the seasons, the more we see different layers of the perceptions of they have of each other, going from a childish idealization/immature ignorance to a sudden realization. A mature one. Penelope goes beyond the facade of the charming devil-may-care guy to meet the seriousness and temper of her significant other. Meanwhile Colin discovers how confident, powerful and attractive this woman is and always has been. It echoes what I’ve written about the importance of the gaze in Polin’s love story in this meta. By the time season 4 hits, man... their heart eyes and eye-fucking will jump OUT XD, all fibers of their beings, burning with need. The fact that this evolution took literally years is very emotionally painful, which is why I find it important to keep the slowness aspect of their relationship before and during their love making. I’m really looking forward a slow build-up toward their intimacy. It would differ from Daphne and Simon who merely shared one hell of a kiss in Lady Trowbridge’s garden then shared their sexy times after they married or Anthony and Siena’s rough sex... In fact, there’s a certain (sweet) ardent tenderness in Polin I like due to the fact that they’re slowly (re)discovering each other, as adults. Since they were both introduced in season 1, the audience will have all the time in the world to notice numerous evidences of the many natures of love they have for one another : from an affectionate and friendly love to a more carnal and enduring one.

    Okay so, in terms of filming, with Netflix’s Bridgerton being a show which promotes the female gaze, it wouldn’t be that much of a surprise watching those sex scenes being shot from Penelope’s perspective, like it was the case with Daphne in the first installment of the series. Most of the time, sex scenes in Historical Romance are not gratuitous. Their presence serve an important purpose in a hero/heroine’s journey. In Penelope’s case, they’re here to help her learn to embrace and love herself. In other words, sexuality is synonym of freedom. I don’t know if they’ll show a lot of skin, but I won’t be complaining considering the fact that we’ll have the chance to get a chief kiss treat on screen : a plus size woman in a major successful Netflix period drama getting a love story as romantic and steamy as other more “fit” female characters. No, your weight doesn’t prevent you from being desirable at all. As far as I’m concerned, I haven’t watched a plus-size female character portrayed as an attractive protagonist in a period drama (please if you have, let me know, I can be wrong). Having a beautiful half bare curvy body like Nicola’s being equally filmed like numerous slim actresses will be so inspiring and powerful to watch, especially for (young) women who struggle, like Penelope, to love their body shape which, to them, doesn’t “fit” the “beauty standards”. By showing her female gaze and portraying her as seductive, Pen’s “supposed” imperfections transform themselves into mighty assets, loved and worshipped by our dashing Mister Bridgerton. That’s body positivity at its finest darling ;).

    It will be deliciously erotic watching the undressing process being exquisitely slow, garment by garment, while their gaze are all heated and hungry. Their sex/make-out scenes should be tender and passionate, sweet and raw. The lightning, colored by a dark blood orange yellow or a blue depending the locations^^. Moreover, the depiction of the exploration of Penelope’s desire can translate itself thanks to multiple close ups. For instance, I can imagine a few ones on Pen’s fingers gently roaming over the smooth skin of Colin’s firm chest and back/touching his hair right after he removed his shirt. And a disheveled Colin letting his hands and lips making a journey of their own, mapping, conquering the alluring unknown territory that is her gorgeous voluptuous body... kissing her on the places he knows oh too well will give her pleasure (is this me wanting him to go down on her?— um yeah I sure hope it IS! If he doesn’t, trust me imma riot... AGAIN). Even a close up on her face while Colin is performing his addictively pleasing torment will be a marvelous proof of the female gaze. By the way, why not even adding a post-coital scene after their first time ? I can picture Penelope waking up first and contemplate her handsome soon-to-be husband. She’d bring her hand to his face and let it travel all around his forehead, his cheeks, his lips, his neck and let it rest on his heart— making sure that what she’s just experience was real... obviously, Colin will wake up in the process and he’ll take this as his cue to go for another round of sexy times under the sheets.

   Showing Pen reaction is essential according to me because she was stuck with the idea that she would never experience the luxury of being loved, giving pleasure nor receiving it... she ended up being happily wrong. Throughout her multiple intimate encounters with Colin, I want her to progressively realizes that she can be an active partner. In the carriage, she knew she had an effect on him, but it’s not until their first time that she actually realizes it. Hence the reason why I WANT the mirror’s introduction in one of their sex scenes. Here’s as a little reminder an excerpt from chapter 18 :

“I want to see you sitting up," he groaned, "so I can see them full and lovely and large [about Pen’s breasts]. And then I want to crawl behind you and cup you." His lips found her ear and his voice dropped to a whisper. "And I want to do it in front of a mirror."

“Now?” she squeaked.

He seemed to consider that for a moment, then shook his head. "Later," he said, and then repeated it in a rather resolute tone. "Later.”

   It would be such a shame if the show doesn’t use the incredible potential of this object (/kink). I mean, the symbolism is pretty clear. Penelope has always fled her “ugly” reflection but it seems like Colin wants to show the real her, the beauty that holds every single inch her alabaster skin and the effects they have on him. Thus, I would love to watch a scene where Colin just praises the alluring goddess and siren that is Penelope Featherington. Just imagine! Just IMAGINE the power of this scene : a shirtless Colin sitting behind her on a bed, meeting her gaze in the mirror, his lips touching her right ear, biting and licking the lobe sometimes, whispering all kinda of dirty yet poetic words to her while letting his hands caress her thighs, her hips, her arms, her lovely bosoms™... oof. At the same time, a wonderful and harmonic instrumental music will play in the background and match the melodic partition of shudders, breathes and moans let out by our lovers. I can imagine Luke inspiring himself from his performance in the 2019 short film, Youth In Bed. The way he conveyed the awe and the yearning on his face, in his eyes with his mouth slightly open when he knelt before his partner Shun Yin was just captivating and— and so Colin! I cannot help but bring myself to picture Ethan, the character he played in YIB, in a Polin steamy scene. I cannot unsee this anymore jsksk. I mean, all this gifset radiates this book4chapter18!Colin, you cannot tell me otherwise!

    Also, I would love Shonda and Chris to keep Pen and Colin’s cute/emotional pillow talk. One thing I really love in JQ’s books is the concern she gives to her male protagonists about potentially hurting their partner during the act of penetration. Colin is a rake, and what his experience with women taught him is that he needs to be very gentle with the love of his life. It was so adorable seeing him not wanting to harm her and asking her to tell him if he does anything she doesn’t like 🥺. Plus, before actually doing it, Colin and Penelope shared a few kisses and just laid down side by side, confessing their love. Though our boy kept feeling guilty about not returning her love after all these years. He desires nothing but to make up for the lost time and show his love and desire during this special intimate moment. I hope they’ll keep all of chapter 18’s dialogue. It’s just so telling of our boos’ feelings, you see.

    All in all, I can’t wait to watch those Polin steamy scenes. As much as I may sound crazy, I want them after two other seasons of pure pining and yearning in order to have a very good payoff. I’m not an expert on depicting intimacy on screen, but I loved so far what Lizzy Talbot, the intimacy coordinator who worked on the show, have done in season 1. Sex scenes in Bridgerton seem very real and dive you in the intimacy of the moment, leaving you all flustered and hot. So probs to her! I have faith in her work and have no doubts about what her and the directors will serve us in future seasons. Though, in the end, I think it’s mostly up to the actors, Nicola and Luke, to see if they’re comfortable filming sex scenes.

    If you guys have any suggestions or wishes for those steamy polin scenes, please do share them :) by commenting on this post or by sending me asks! I’d love reading your thoughts/take on this very important matter ;)) 

[goneseriesanalysis]

Diana Ladris

Ok so here is my Diana analysis, finally. I was going to write this on Monday but now it’s Sunday and I honestly have no idea what I’ve done all week. Quick disclaimer that I am in love with Diana, so this is probably not the most objective analysis you will ever read. Please feel free to share your own thoughts and opinions on her. I would love to hear them!!

Spoilers for Gone down below

Original Opinion: I loved Diana. Snarky, dark-haired girls in fiction are the loves of my life. But didn’t remember much else about her personality other than that.

New Opinion: I still love her. She has such a complicated personality and I just want her to be happy.

1.) Diana’s Appearance:

Diana is another character that is described pretty poorly in the first book. We get no indication of her ethnicity or body type – but that seems to be pretty common for characters in this book. There are three main descriptions of Diana here, two from Sam in chapter 14 and one from Jack in chapter 40. And by main, I mean we get the slightest bit of information other than ‘she’s beautiful.’

The first time Sam sees Diana he describes her as a “dark-eyed, very beautiful girl.” In the first book Diana and Astrid are sort of made out to be binary opposites, much in the same way that Sam and Caine are. Astrid is light and fair, referencing her innocence and general ‘goodness’, whereas Diana is depicted a being darker, in both looks and personality, and is therefore much more morally ambiguous. I think this is perfectly fine for the first book, as none of the characters are thoroughly developed and so the stereotypical light = good and dark = bad isn’t too off-putting – especially seen as these two characters in particular definitely do evolve past these roles in later books. In fact, I think giving such as basic starting point for these characters actually works in Michael’s favour as it allows us as a reader to look back retrospectively and truly appreciate how much they have grown.

The parallel to Astrid doesn’t stop there either. The next line of description we are given of Diana so strongly reminds me of the second description we are given of Astrid, that it seems almost criminal not to do a side-by-side comparison:

“Her midnight eyes met his and he wanted to look away, feeling awkward, but somehow could not.” – Chapter 14 (referring to Diana)

Astrid looked right at him. He couldn’t look away like he normally would, because her gaze wasn’t challenging, sceptical like it usually was: it was scared. Her normally sharp, discerning blue eyes were wide, with way too much white showing” – Chapter 1 (referring to Astrid)

Not only do we get another light vs dark comparison, but Sam’s immediate reaction to them both is extremely similar. I’m not really sure what to make of this, although I’m 100% convinced that Michael did it on purpose. Was there originally going to be a love triangle, with Sam having such similar reactions to them both?? Was this meant to be a comment on Sam’s character and his reaction to the women around him?? Or was it meant to be a hint at Diana’s morality, showing that Sam saw something in her that she couldn’t at the time see in herself, something that reminded him of Astrid?? I’m not sure, but either way I love it and I would really like some other people’s opinions on it.

So, the last description that gives us any actual information on Diana’s appearance is from Jack’s POV in chapter 40, “He could see the outline of her face, her dark hair.” (Do you see how far I had to dig for literally anything!?!? Come on Michael.) Again, we have the dark hair further establishing her and Astrid as binary opposites. We also get the idea in chapter 36 that her hair is relatively long as Drake mentions it falling on his face when she talks to him. But yeah, this is all we get in terms of Diana’s appearance. It’s a little disappointing that she seems to be heavily sexualised but then again a lot of her character’s actions, especially in this book, are based on other people’s attraction towards her so it’s a tricky one to talk about. I think the main reason we get so little description is because of the lack of Caine POV’s, and as Diana’s main love interest Michael probably wanted him to give the more detailed descriptions of her as opposed to the two boys who get the most POV time in this book (Sam and Drake).

2.) Diana’s Personality:

I’ve split Diana’s personality into three categories in an attempt to make my thoughts more cohesive. From what I could gather in this book we see:

The snarky, slightly cruel side of Diana – this is the side of her that she projects most often and it seems to be the reason Caine “loves” her

The falsely kind and caring side of Diana – this is the side of her that we see most often with Jack, and sometimes with Caine. It is the tactic she uses to manipulate people

Diana’s actual personality – This is part of Diana that is so well hidden that she can’t even see it herself. While it is mostly only hinted at within this book (which I will talk about in Diana’s Morality), there is a scene where I truly think we see her raw, unfiltered personality.

So, I’ll start by talking about her snarky personality. I believe this side of Diana is mainly there to be a defence mechanism. She doesn’t like to show weakness, but cannot physically protect herself in a school where everyone is a bully. Or in a house where her mother’s boyfriends sneak up on her in the shower with no consequences. Or in a classroom where her science teacher tries to feel her up. So instead she tries to take people down with words. She makes them feel inferior by insulting them in clever ways, by poking fun at their insecurities (a tactic reminiscent of Astrid using her intelligence as a weapon). And I think after a while of doing this, it just became a part of her. She seems to enjoy making people uncomfortable. She definitely enjoys the effect she has on Jack and Caine, and seems to find Drake’s reactions to her quips amusing.

In chapter 20, when Caine is discovering that he and Sam are brothers, her first reaction is to embarrass him, “She stared at it [Sam’s birth certificate] and started laughing.” After seeing Caine turn pale, clearly having a hard time coping with this realisation, she continues with her method of attack “November twenty-second,’ Diana said, grinning spitefully.” She seems to have no sympathy for Caine or his emotional reaction to finding out that the people who he thought were his parents were… well, not. (I find this particularly interesting as not a page earlier she was teasing Drake for enjoying other people’s pain.) It seems like Diana enjoys the power that comes with being cruel. For quite a large portion of her life, people have tried to make her feel powerless, like an object whose sole purpose is for their gratification. And so Diana likes it when it’s the other way around. She likes making weak people feeling weaker and more vulnerable (such as Jack), and she especially enjoys poking fun at those with more power. By teasing Drake and Caine, she is subverting the narrative that has been fed to her all her life by the adults who have let her down. She is no longer there for their amusement. Instead, they are there for hers.

This idea of Diana kind of revelling in their pain, especially Caine’s, is continued in chapter 39, with this scene, “Too bad Dr Phil’s not around. You could tell him all about it.” This is said in response to Caine opening up about feeling neglected by his adoptive parents, and is an excellent example of Diana’s mean streak. The comment itself is not horrible, Diana rarely says things that are truly cruel, but the way she so easily dismisses and ridicules his feelings, knowing that she is probably the first person he has ever spoken to about this, is really telling. I think she feels that if she gives Caine the emotional support that is so clearly craving here, that she is giving up control. The only control she has over Caine is through the manipulation of his feelings, so she is cruel and distant and untouchable 99% of the time. She will give him hints of affection, slight touches of it here and there, but never enough of it to feel like he has won. She still always retains this small line of defence (which really makes Lies and Plague a whole lot sadder for me).

Next we have what I like to call her false kindness. This refers to those small hints of affection that she gives to people in order to control them, to make her snarky persona more effective. We first see this in chapter 20, when after teasing Caine about his relation to Sam, “she was playing nice, as close to sympathetic as she ever managed to be.” Diana is very skilled at knowing when to attack and when to be sympathetic. She will tease those around her, making them feel small and inferior, and then offer her kindness. This way people will be less likely to try and hurt her. They all want the same thing from her, whether it be Caine, her science teacher or her mother’s boyfriends with their lust or whether it be Drake with his sick ways. They all want her to be theirs. Theirs to have or theirs to use or theirs to hurt. It’s awful and it makes me want to sit down and cry or else hug her or else smack any boy who’s ever looked at her. But she can stop them from forcefully taking away her autonomy (with the exception of Drake) by offering them the possibility that she may give it up freely. And so we see this side of her. The second aspect of her elaborate defence.

This method of manipulation seems to be most effective with Jack, at least in this book. Now, I don’t think that Jack wants Diana in the way that Caine does, and definitely NOT in the way that Drake does. He mentions that he thinks she’s beautiful, and I definitely think he likes her, but in a much more innocent way. He seems to want to impress her, but that’s all he seems to want. Her to be proud of him and impressed by him. And Diana, clever as she is, knows this. In chapter 29 Diana discovers Jack’s power, and her reaction to it is what first made me realise that it’s power that she wants after all:

“Are you asking me to protect you?’                                                                                                                     Jack saw a ray of hope in his personal darkness. ‘Yes. Yes.’                                                                           ‘Say it.’                                                                                                                                                                       ‘Please protect me.’                                                                                                                                         Diana’s eyes seemed to melt, from ice cold to almost warm. She smiled. ‘I’ll protect you, Jack. But here’s the thing. From now on you belong to me.”

Diana has spent a large portion of her life feeling powerless. Even with her extensive defence mechanism, there are still multiple times within this book where the illusion of power is stripped away, and we are left with a Diana that is just so scared. And so, to me, this scene seems to be Diana’s attempt to hold power over someone in a way that is not directly related to her sexuality. Her relationship with Jack is much purer in that sense. He doesn’t do what she says because he’s hoping for a relationship, but because he wants her to protect him. He wants her to be to him what she can’t even be to herself. And that’s so sad?? Because the reaction she has is almost sweet, she has a moment where I can truly feel like she appreciates Jack for the way in which he wants her. And she keeps her promise. She does protect him from Drake’s threats and Caine’s derision. Right up until the moment where she sends him off to Sam.

And finally, we have a small glimpse of what I believe to be Diana’s real personality. The side of her that we don’t really see much of yet. This is, I think, what we see in chapter 36, and there are three specific quotes that I think perfectly highlight it:

“You have the saw?’ Diana’s voice asked. Not smug now, not smug at all, but raw and horrified.” – Chapter 36

“I’ll do it, ‘Diana said, disgusted. ‘You’re all such big tough guys. Give me the saw.” – Chapter 36

“Ok,’ Diana said. ‘Hold onto him. I’ll be as quick as I can be.” – Chapter 36

Now, the first reason that leads me to believe that these are examples of Diana’s true personality and not just further examples of her false kindness, is that this scene is told from Drake’s POV – and Drake has never been fooled by her personas. We know that she is not smug, but raw and horrified. Of course, this could just be due to the horrific nature of the injury, but I personally think it’s more than that. We get the idea throughout the book that Diana goes along with Caine’s schemes, but she doesn’t necessarily agree with them. She seems to be ok up until the point where she can see the consequences of their actions, in which point she shows horror, disgust and remorse. And right now, she is seeing a pretty big consequence. Sam burned Drake’s arm because Drake cemented them, something that Diana was also a part of, something that she allowed to happen to other people. Looking at the state he is in now, I don’t think Diana is just horrified by his injury, she is also scared. But not of Sam, necessarily. Get ready for another comparison to Astrid here: I find it interesting that Astrid is religious, but believes that free will dictates actions and consequences – as opposed to some higher power. But Diana is seemingly the opposite. She is not religious, but seems to always be fearful of some higher power punishing her for her sins – and this is something that, if I remember correctly, features quite heavily in other books.

To contrast this fear, however, she also shows immense bravery here. She again uses her snarky persona to shock and belittle Drake into remaining still (telling him that he wet himself), and is the only one brave enough out of a room full of bullies to actually cut off his arm. This may in part be because she already knows that he plans to hurt her, and so she doesn’t really have anything to lose in that regard. But I think it also shows that underneath her defensive persona and underneath her fear of being powerless, she really is a good person who is immensely strong and capable. Her “goodness” is also shown for the first time in this scene, even if it is only a glimpse. The line “I’ll be as quick as I can be.” I honestly think is one of the strongest acts of compassion in this book. Drake has made it clear that he hates her. That he wants to hurt her. Hell, he literally threatens to kill her moments before this scene. And yet she refuses to take any joy in it. She refuses to sink down to his level and prolong his pain. Instead she chooses to try her best to make it stop. It’s such an underrated Diana moment. I love her so much :(

3.) Diana’s Morality:

 A large aspect of Diana’s character is her struggle with her morality, and we see the beginnings of this within this book. While she is always aligned with Caine here, she has small moments of doubt and remorse which nicely sets up her character arc in later books. Of course there are many reasons why one could argue that Diana, at least in the first book, is an immoral character. She stands by Caine through the cementing, his take-over of Perdido Beach, his attack on Sam and then leaves with him at the end of the book, despite being offered a place in Perdido Beach. She leaves Astrid with Drake, knowing what he’s capable of, and seems perfectly fine with Drake killing her and LP after they escape. And, of course, she is a class A manipulator, which is demonstrated with a multitude of characters. But…. She is not completely immoral – or at least she does have a conscience.

This is largely shown through her complaints in regards to Caine’s schemes. While she never leaves him, and never really acts on her complaints, she does voice disgust at the things he is doing/has done. This is first shown in chapters 31 and 32, when they find out that Andrew has stopped feeding the Coates kids:

“Diana snapped, ‘You’re letting these freaks starve. I can see why you’d be worried about being plastered.’                                                                                […]                                                                                                                          Drake, shoot the creep.” – Chapter 31

“Maybe you wake up in hell, ‘Diana said. ‘Where you belong.’                                ‘I should pray,’ Andrew said.                                                                                    ‘God forgive me for being a stupid creep who starves people?’ Diana suggested.” – Chapter 32

Diana is clearly horrified by Andrew’s actions here, to the point where she tries to have Drake kill him. I think part of the reason why her reaction is so extreme may be a hint at her own guilt towards the part she played in the cementing. Her morality is such as difficult thing to decipher in this book, because she so clearly feels guilty about the things she has done/ allowed to happen – but does that really mean anything considering she did nothing to stop it from happening?? Considering that she still continues to support Caine now?? We know that she herself did not suggest and/ or condone the cementing from her line in chapter 42, “I told you to let the freaks go who didn’t want to play along. But no, you had to listen to Drake’s paranoid advice. I told you to go into Perdido Beach and make a quick deal for food.” – but that seems neither here nor there when you think about the horrific nature of the crime. Surely she should have done more to prevent it from happening?? I think Diana’s immorality comes from a lack of action rather than a lack of conscience – silence is violence after all. This makes her the perfect candidate for a redemption arc later on as we know from the beginning that she does have the capacity for good, it’s just a case of whether she decides to act on it.

That being said, there are two moments in the book where Diana does seem to act on these thoughts, the first being in chapter 40, when she send Jack to Perdido Beach to warn Sam about the poof:

“Jack, if Sam blinks out, Drake will turn on me, and Caine won’t be able to stop him. Drake is stronger than before. I need Sam alive. I need someone for Drake to hate. I need balance. Tell Sam about the temptation.”

Now, I will admit, as much as I love Diana, this probably isn’t the best quote to argue her morality with – but hear me out. Is she doing this for selfish reasons?? Yes, she admits that much herself. But she is still doing the right thing. And doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is still a step in the right direction.

Now the second time she takes action is a much clearer example of her goodness. In the thanksgiving battle she becomes furious when Caine sets the coyotes on the littles, to the point where she actually demands him to make them stop. She tells him to drop Astrid. She tries to tell Sam about the poof. She actually DOES something. She acts on her conscience. And we see Caine clearly ignore her. Not only ignore her, but he actually physically attacks her… twice. Which really puts things into perspective. Because we see that Diana does not have as much control as she would have the reader believe. Her ability to manipulate Caine really relies on what he wants at the time. Is he currently thinking about how much he wants Diana?? If yes, then she is able to twist his arm, able to get him to do what she wants. If no?? Then she has absolutely no power over his actions, at least in this book. And so it seems like her lack of action is less a disinterest in his crimes, and more an attempt to protect herself. Now I’m not saying that makes her better, but it certainly makes you think.

Ok, so I’ve spoken a lot about Diana’s morality in relation to her affiliation with Caine, but let’s have a look at how she is when separate from him. We learn in chapter 29 why Diana was sent to Coates. Her father wouldn’t buy her a horse, so she told her mother about his mistress. During the following argument her mother fell down the stairs, and she falsely told the police that her father had done it. Now, while that’s certainly now a good thing to do, it’s nowhere near as bad as, sayyy shooting someone in the leg for ‘being annoying.’  We also learn that Diana’s mother never really recovered from the fall, she lived, but can’t really do much anymore. For that to happen, the fall must have been pretty bad. Now, I’m going to assume that Diana witnessed both the fight and the argument, otherwise she wouldn’t have been there to see whether her mother was pushed or not. So, just imagine this for a second. You’re a kid, at least under 14. You find out that your father is cheating on your mother and then during the, I assume pretty bad, argument that ensues because of this, your mother suffers a horrific injury. Would you not, on at least some level, blame your father?? You’ve just been traumatised, you’re not going to be thinking clearly. I’m not saying that Diana was right to lie, but I don’t think that was Coates worthy. The kid just needed therapy. But her parents clearly didn’t care about her enough to provide that. As for her telling her mother just because her dad wouldn’t buy her a horse. That’s another example of her doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. And again, she’s just a child – there are worse things children can do. Add all this onto Diana’s constant struggle with herself – her thinking that she’s incapable of feeling real love or anyone feeling real love for her, you get this picture of a young girl who has been failed repeatedly by the adults around her, and so is coping in the only way she knows how.

To me, it seems like Diana’s ‘immorality’ is a result of years of neglect and abuse from authority figures that has led to the development of a coping mechanism that is more destructive than productive. And now I’m gonna cry.

4.) Diana’s Loyalty to Caine:

Ok, so this kind of links in with my previous point about Diana’s morality. But I feel like there is a lot of nuance to it, and so it deserves its own bullet point. The main argument against Diana’s morality is her continuous affiliation with Caine. So, why does she stay?? I feel like the conclusion that mg wants us to come to, is that her ‘love’ for Caine is so strong that she can’t be without him. But I’m gonna be honest, that conclusion makes me want to throw up so I will be doing some literary gymnastics in order to reach a different one.

One thing that becomes pretty clear pretty early on is that Diana’s loyalty to Caine is…shaky. At best. She oddly seems to be loyal to him behind his back… but not to his face. In chapter 15, Diana seems upset that Edilio is digging a grave without Caine explicitly telling him to do it. But then later in the same chapter we see her lie to Caine’s face twice:

“Diana said, ‘Nowhere. He was just wandering, lost.” –

Jack had seen Diana take Sam’s hand. So he was amazed when Diana said, ‘No. I didn’t have a chance.”

And when you think about it, these are some pretty serious lies that could have had huge consequences. After finding Jack with Astrid, unsure as to whether Jack has told Astrid anything, she lies to Caine about where he was. Now, you could just put this down to my earlier point about Diana kind of liking Jack in her own way and so she protects him from Caine’s anger – IF she had followed up with Jack. But she doesn’t. She never makes any effort to find out what Jack and Astrid were talking about – Jack could have told Astrid everything, but she doesn’t seem to care. This could be interpreted two ways:

1 – She has such faith in Caine that she just isn’t worried about Sam and Astrid (doubtful)

2 – She is not fully loyal to Caine and is hoping to give Sam a chance to take over (imo, more likely)

To support point number two, she later lies about reading Sam’s power and finding out that he is a four bar. Later in the book, she tries to convince Jack that the reason she does this is to stop Caine from freaking out. But… I think that that is just another one of her lies. After all, she already knew that Caine did not trust Sam – and obviously knew about the plan to kidnap him in the school. I think if stopping Caine from doing something stupid was her main concern, then she would have told him the truth as soon as she saw that he was going to do something stupid anyway. But she doesn’t. Which tells me that her actual goal was to give Sam a chance to rise up and take control.

So the question is, what changed?? What happened between the beginning of the book, where her loyalty to Caine seems like nothing more than a façade, and the end, where this scene takes place:

“Sorry, Sam. The bad girl ends up with the bad boy. It’s the way the world works. Especially this world.’ She went to Caine. She did not take his extended hand, did not even look at him, but walked beside him as he descended the steps.” – Chapter 46

During this scene, she gets the chance to remain in Perdido Beach, to get away from Caine. But she doesn’t take it. Why?? This was the main question that I was left with when I finished the book, because in the beginning it seems so clear that she’s just biding her time, waiting for someone else to take over so she can defect from Caine’s side. She even tries this again in chapter 42, “I’ll go,’ Diana volunteered. It was foolish. She knew what he would say. And she could see the light of suspicion in his eyes.” And then, when she is finally given the chance to do so, she declines. She declines and then spends months taking care of him, living in fear of Drake, while he is in a coma. And not once does she think of returning to Perdido Beach. It makes no sense. If she does it out of love or affection, then why is she so disloyal at the beginning?? Surely those feelings couldn’t have developed over the course of the week that he was in charge. I mean, we were seeing the worst side of him. It took a few re-read of my notes, but I think I’ve finally come to a conclusion that I’m happy with.

I think she was scared. It’s such a simple answer, but that’s really why it’s such a perfect one. And I don’t just mean she was scared of Caine. In chapter 34 we get this quick line, “Diana seemed torn, uncertain; then she bolted after Caine.” Upon my first re-read I barely payed attention to this. I was more focused on Caine and Drake’s reactions in this scene and so never really bothered to pay attention to Diana. But that hesitation is why I think she eventually decided to stay. She is obviously torn, here is the perfect opportunity to join Sam – to get away from Caine and Drake. But instead she follows, because she’s scared. Not of Sam, but of the Coates kids. She’s scared of what they’ll do to her now that they’re free. And, most importantly, she’s scared that she deserves it. That she doesn’t deserve to be saved. She thinks Sam is too good, and is scared that she’ll never fit in. So she turns and runs back to Caine, because no matter how bad she is, he is worse. He can never look down on her for being a bad person, because she’ll never be quite as bad as him.

And then of course, we do have to factor in her fear of Caine which, imo, also contributes to her remaining by his side. We get very few Diana POV’s in this book, but the ones we do get are full of great quotes, particularly in chapter 42:

“If Caine got his hands on Computer Jack, Diana had no doubt that the techie wizard would give her up. What would Caine do then?                                        In the meantime, Diana had to play it smart. By pretending to be concerned by Jack’s escape or defection or whatever it should be called. It would throw Caine and Drake off the scent.                                                                                    Unless they captured Jack.                                                                                      She fought down a wave of fear and hid it by pouring herself a glass of water at the kitchen sink.”

Diana is clearly scared of Caine, despite what she may have him and others believe. She is afraid of what he will do to her if he no longer wants her. So she refers back to her tried and tested defence mechanism. Give him some affection, in this case choosing him, and maybe he won’t hurt her. Maybe she’ll be ok. I think Diana went with him because she felt safe nowhere, but it’s better to stick with the enemy you know rather than the one you don’t.

5.) Diana’s Power:

And finally, we have Diana’s power. Much like Caine, I feel like Diana’s power is an extension of her personality. As we have established, Diana’s number one defence mechanism is manipulation, the ability the read people and use that against them. So it makes sense that she would have the ability to read people’s power levels. I don’t really have anything else to say about this, I just think it is an interesting observation that I wanted to note.

Thank you so much for reading, and I apologise, once again for the length. The next analysis I’m planning on writing up is Drake and then I’m not sure. I might do a few other separate ones, or I might do the rest of the characters in few big posts together. Let me know if there are any that you are particularly interested in seeing :)

[downwiththeficness]

In the Bond-Chapter 4

Summary: Lilah often wished she’d never said yes to working with the Gecko brothers—usually while dodging gunfire. At no time was she regretting that decision more than when she’s hanging upside down from the ceiling, staring down a group of hungry culebras and one (1) extremely powerful sun god.

Word Count: ~5,600

Warnings: Violence, Gore

A/N: This is an AU of my Story In the Blood, which can be read here. Basically, this fic explores what would have happened if Lilah had met up with Geckos before she met Brasa.

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In hindsight, leaving her perch was the wrong decision. Lilah knew that. But, she couldn’t sit on the roof and watch her friends get ambushed. A move she wouldn’t even have to make if they’d been wearing the comms, like she asked. But, no, the effort it took to synch several ear pieces to the same network, safeguard that network from outsiders, just so they’d not only have extra eyes but extra ears didn’t mesh with their old school style.

It wasn’t as if Lilah was going in completely blind or empty handed. She’d gotten her order in the previous day and spent a little time with it, firing off a few rounds. Richie had given her a clip full of shiny new bullets, and Lilah thought it was time to use them.

She stepped out onto the street, reflexively looking both ways. It was a useless gesture.  The little pack of warehouses was abandoned, the perfect place for a nest to form. This particular nest was working its way through the nearest town, picking off the homeless and the outsiders first. In a few months, they would be hitting the homes, the schools, and the churches. Seth was lucky he’d gotten the tip about it early, before they could take too many.

As quietly as she could, Lilah crept to the window of the building opposite where she’d set up her computer and the controls for demolition. The plan was to funnel them all into the building as they returned from feeding, then blow the place, taking the whole nest out in one go.  They (Lilah) expected that it would take some time to get the explosives placed.  What they didn’t expect was an early return of a few culebras. Before Lilah could get a word of warning out, Seth had hauled himself down the stairs from their makeshift hub on the rooftop, followed by Richie, who had given a long suffering sigh and followed suit, tucking his glasses into the breast pocket of his jacket.

Lilah peered through the window, eyes wide as she took in the fight. They were doing pretty well. Richie had his game face on, fangs flashing as he threw someone across the room. Seth had another on the ground, beating them senseless with what looked like a tire iron. All in all, not too bad a situation. She still didn’t understand why Seth had needed to come down here to begin with, but he had never been one to engage in a risk analysis—not when he could solve the problem with his fists.

As she continued to watch him fight, Lilah caught the anger in his face. He raged against his opponents, swinging hard and fast, giving no quarter. He’d been doing that a lot, lately—sublimated fury bursting forth untethered by any kind of control. Long after the battle was over, Seth would continue to fight with a singular focus. It was a blind spot that had caused this very situation.

The group of culebras she’d seen sneaking in through the side were approaching fast, picking up Seth and tossing him off their friend.  Lilah did the only thing she could think of.  She leaned down and grabbed a rock from the ground, used it to break the window, and took aim. The first shot took one by surprise, his body falling to the floor for Seth to finish off.  

Looking over his shoulder, Seth yelled, “The fuck are you doing here?”

“Saving your ass,” she shot back, firing another round. Followed by an irritated murmur, “Since you can’t seem to follow a simple plan.”

With ruthless efficiency, the brothers took out the remaining culebras.  Lilah held her position as she watched, picking off one or two more and wounding another enough for Richie to punch through his chest and pull out his heart.  She was so focused on the fight inside that she didn’t hear the footsteps coming towards her.  It wasn’t until she was yanked by the collar of her sweatshirt that she even knew there was another person there.

Stumbling back, Lilah hit the ground with an ‘oof’, her gun slipping from her hands with the impact. She looked at it, dejected, her brain helpfully telling her that she was a literal cliche at that moment.  Her opponent kicked it away with a laugh, joining her in the world of walking cliches.

Angry, Lilah scrambled to standing. He was ugly in a way that told her that he was ugly even when he wasn’t baring his fangs at her. Long hair, cut haphazardly in what might have been a mullet. Plaid shirt, jeans, boots. All dirty, somewhat torn. She could smell him, even from ten feet away.

“Pretty girl,” he growled, “I’m gonna love draining the life outta you.”

Did every bad guy have a book of one-liners that they studied from? Lilah had heard this particular one about a hundred times and it got old by round four. Just once, she’d like to hear a little creativity in the threat to her life. She sneered at him taking a step back and assessing.  The knife Richie had given her was strapped to her forearm. Lilah could use that, though she’d have to let him close. The thought filled her with revulsion.

Still, she pulled it from its sheath, brandishing it in her dominant hand. As she expected, he laughed again. Also as she expected, he lashed out. Hands with torn nails reached for her. Lilah brought the blade up in a slicing motion, just like Seth had shown her.

Catch the muscle in the forearm, it’ll fuck up their grip. Can’t punch if they can’t make a fist.

That’s what she did. The move wasn’t without cost. He caught her with an upper cut to her diaphragm, knocking all the air out of her. Lilah fell back on her ass, arm around her middle as she tried to draw a breath. Viciously, she pushed down the panic and tried to focus.  It was difficult to do when heat was suffusing her, burning so hot that she looked at her clothes to see if they’d caught fire.

It had been happening a lot of the last few days, in moments when Lilah wasn’t quite paying attention. She’d suddenly get warm. It was usually localized—her shoulder, her cheek, ruffling through her hair.  This was total body. Head to toe. Fire burning just beneath her skin in a raging sizzle that made her muscles spasm. Despite the warmth, she shivered.

Her opponent grabbed her beneath an arm and one thigh, hoisting her up above his head. She adjusted her grip on the blade, shoving it down into the space between shoulder and neck. He screamed, and she had about half a second to be satisfied with it before he was throwing her through a window. In the free fall, Lilah was able to keep hold of the knife, much good that it did her.

This time, she landed with much more than an ‘oof’. The wind having already been knocked out of her, the sound Lilah made was something akin to a frog being stepped on.

“I hate plate glass,” she said, when she found her voice, “I really, really hate plate glass.”

Her shoulder burned with pain, along with her hip. Lilah had to take a few breaths to see through it enough to get the layout of the room. There was an old desk that had been turned over. She started crawling towards it, wincing at the strain it put on her body.  From behind her, she hear him jump through the window after her, still laughing.

She hadn’t gotten more than a foot or so from where she’d landed when he used the toe of his boot to roll her over.  Biting her lip to keep from screaming, Lilah swung her arm in an arch, slicing through the meat of his thigh. He grunted, and smiled.  Jaw clenched, she glared up at him.

He opened his mouth to speak, then paused, his head tilting to the side. Against her better judgment, Lilah followed his line of sight, eyes widening at she caught the glint of a familiar black coat. Brasa stepped forward out of what looked like literal shadows. She could feel the heat rolling off him in waves, his eyes dark with rage.

While her attacker was distracted, she scooted further away, managing to get to the desk before the guy even realized what kind of danger he was in. Brasa said nothing, telegraphed nothing, but anger. He simply approached her opponent, stood within about a foot of him, and waited.

Lilah had the distinct feeling that this guy was pretty stupid, all things considered. He was looking at what he had to know was a more powerful being, and he was smirking at him. The arm holding her knife fell across her stomach, her body relaxing. There was nothing left for her to do but settle in and watch the show.

Brasa looked the other guy up and down, and though he was standing between her and the culebra, Lilah knew he did not like what he saw. Hell, she doubted anyone would like looking at him.

Without so much as a sound, Brasa lifted an arm, shoved his thumb into the guy’s eye socket and wrenched his wrist to the side. The skull cracked beneath the skin, which separated with the ease of tearing a piece of paper down a perforation. Lilah caught his brain matter sloshing out of the cavity before she had to look away. Wet, gooey sounds were followed by the heavy thud of the body. She swallowed back the urge the retch.

A moment later, Brasa’s boots were in front of her and he was kneeling down. Lilah chanced a glance at him, offering him a small smile.

“Good timing,” she said through a clenched throat.

The pain in her arm and hip throbbed to point of distraction, making even the effort to breathe almost more trouble than it was worth. She shifted as she tried to find a comfortable position that would take some of the strain off her limbs.

His eyes narrowed, “You’re hurt.”

She shrugged, winced, and said, “Part of the job.”

A breath hissed through his teeth, “It is not. You’re too fragile to be fighting off his kind.”

Lilah’s hand tightened around the knife, “Gee, thank you.”

Scoffing, Brasa adjusted his stance, moving to pull her to standing. The motion jostled her arm and she groaned, eyes closing as she breathed deep. He stilled, eyes assessing.

“Where?”

Jaw working, Lilah replied, “Rotator cuff is torn, hip may or may not be cracked. Bruised all to hell.  That about sums it up.”

With a harsh sound, Brasa ripped off his jacket and began working the button of his cuff, rolling the sleeve up.  Out came the now familiar knife, and he was pushing it into his skin before she could say a word.  

Gingerly, he helped her sit up a bit, “This will take care of the pain, for now.”

Hurting too much to complain, Lilah took the blood, refusing to acknowledge how good he tasted or how easily she had taken to the act. It took less convincing to make her throat swallow the blood downward, the warm, sweet taste coating her tongue. Breathing through her nose, she sucked deeper, eliciting a choked sound from him.

A few moments later, he tensed and eased her away. He stood, circling the desk, hand pushing his sleeve down. Lilah ducked back, unsure if he was going to have to take out another culebra. She held her knife at the ready, just in case.

“What is it with you and showing up unannounced?”

Seth. Also, valid question. Lilah wondered how he’d known when and where to show up.

“Who do you think gave you the information that there was a nest growing in these warehouses?”

Lilah wiped her face to make sure there would be no evidence of what they’d just been doing. And then she grabbed his coat, still laying on the floor, and stood on shaky legs.

“Hey guys,” she said with false levity, “Late again, as usual.”

To his credit, Seth didn’t look surprised, “You good?”

She nodded, “Just holding his coat while he took they guy out. Now I know what you guys feel like holding a purse in the dressing room.”

Solicitously, Lilah handed Brasa’s coat back to him. His expression when he took it was amused, but she didn’t think he was going to renege on his side of their deal. Their secret was safe, for now. To keep herself busy, she tucked the knife back into its sheath.

Richie sauntered in, cigarette in hand, “Charges are live...and we have company.”

Seth moved next to his brother, the two of them forming a wall of caustic sarcasm, “Indeed we do. Apparently, Brasa gave us the tip about the nest.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Seth drawled, “Awful nice of him.”

“It is.”

“Yes. It. Is.”

Lilah rolled her eyes, “Alright, we still have a job to do. Can we put aside our, frankly massive, egos and get it done. I’d like to get home before sunrise this time.”

Seth’s mouth pursed, but he eventually nodded. Richie was unmoved, but he followed his brother’s lead and his posture relaxed. Lilah resisted the breath of relief that threatened to blow through her nose.

“Okay,” she announced, hands flexing in front of her, “Let’s start with the two of you putting in your goddamned ear pieces.”

“You know I don’t work that way,” Seth protested.

“I literally don’t care,” she shot back, “I need to be able to communicate with you if we’re going to be successful.”

“This isn’t our first job,” Richie said, even as he pulled the ear bud from his pocket.

It wasn’t even their first job with Lilah. And, from the start, she’d insisted on better communication between herself in the eagle’s nest and the players down below. It was the only way she’d have enough information to give good directives and get everyone out alive. She was no longer amazed at their stubborn refusal.

“You want to go off half-cocked with twenty pounds of explosives wired to a detonator that only I know how to activate, sure. I’ll have our guy put in an order for a prosthetic...or two.”

“I’ll heal,” Richie said, brow lifted.

She nodded, “Your brother won’t.”

Looking somewhat censured, Richie stuffed the bud into his ear, his eyes narrow behind his glasses. Seth reluctantly did the same.

“Great. Now, I’m going to go up to the roof where my shit is set up. You both are going to get to your secondary location, and wait for my cue to pick off the stragglers after I set off the bombs.  We clear?”

Neither of them said anything, their eyes looking one way or another—anywhere that wasn’t at her.  She crossed her arms, waiting. It occurred to her that she should feel more pain from her shoulder with the motion.  At present, it had receded to a throbbing ache. Curious.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Seth muttered, finally,  “What about him?”

Brasa had been watching the entire exchange, threading his arms through the jacket, interest in his eyes. He looked at Seth pointing suspiciously at him, then to Lilah for direction.

“He’ll come with me.”

“Absolutely not.”

“He can literally see in the dark,” Lilah reasoned, “And, he’ll provide backup in case I have another...incident.”

There was no need to detail the ‘incident’ in question. Lilah wasn’t a sure thing in a fight. Too little training, too little strength. She watched Seth consider it, ignoring the smirk on Richie’s face.

With a nod, Seth turned and grabbed his brother’s shoulder, hauling him towards the door. Lilah turned her attention to Brasa and jerked her head towards the stairs.

“Roof is this way.”

He followed her up two flights of stairs, nearly silent, while Lilah made a serious attempt to keep her breathing even. Despite the cardio she regularly performed to stay in shape, stairs were stairs.

“How does the blood thing work?”

While her wounds weren’t healed by any means, the pain had lessened considerably. There was now only a dull tingle now where there had been sizzling wounds that radiated discomfort. She had almost full extension in her shoulder.

He hummed a little in question.

“The healing. You knew that the blood would help with the pain.”

They reached to roof entrance, stepping out into a humid night, a smattering of stars above. Lilah crossed over to the folding table that she’d brought with her. A laptop and the detonation device sitting next to a few odds and ends that she generally found useful to have around on any job.

“We are bondmates,” Brasa answered, as if that was all the explanation she would need.

Lilah shot him an annoyed grimace, silently telling him that she needed more information.

His brows quirked, hands sliding into the pockets of his jacket, “Blood is a conduit, Lilah. I gave you a little of my strength, that’s all.”

She blinked, “Is that why you,” she cleared her throat, the words stuck, “drink from me, too? So you get some of that strength back?”

It hadn’t escaped her notice that he had given her blood tonight, but hadn’t taken any. The deal wasn’t reciprocal, as was usual. She didn’t like feeling as if she owed him something.

Brasa shook his head, “No. My body will regenerate regardless of how much I give you.”

Her brows furrowed, “Then…?”

Eyes hooded, Brasa crowded her space. Two fingers touched beneath her chin gently. He leaned down, saying in a low voice, “Lilah, I drink from you because I want to. Because you taste so sweet that I wake up craving you. Because its better than any meal I’ve ever had.”

Her mouth went dry at the intensity of his gaze, the unwavering confidence in his voice. She had no words to respond with, couldn’t parse the feelings roiling in her belly.

A voice sounded in her ear, “We’re in position.”

The job. Seth. Richie. The explosives. Lilah shook herself and stepped away. Though her gaze remained on Brasa, she tapped her computer to wake it up.

“McNamara online,” she said as a reflex, “I don’t have a visual on the group, but recon puts them at returning in,” she looked at the clock in the lower right hand corner of the screen, “Ten minutes. You boys ready?”

“Roger that,” Richie said, laughter in his voice.

From over the line, Lilah heard a loud smack, followed by, “What? We can’t have a little fun with these things?”

With a deep sigh, Lilah muted her line and tugged on the hem of her sweatshirt. She never really expected a job to go perfectly smooth, but this one was just full of little stumbles that were adding up. Things were usually a little more organized than this, a little more polished. Since they had taken on the bar, their attention had been pulled in so many different directions that it was difficult to get everyone on the same page and focused. Lilah ran her hand over her face to calm herself.

A soft warmth bloomed at her shoulder, running along down her hand.  Lilah, who hadn’t realized she’d closed her eyes, opened them and glanced at the only other person around.  He was standing a few feet away, observing her with interest.

Her eyes narrowed, “I knew it.”

Surprised, Brasa’s brows lifted, but he said nothing.

Turning to face him, Lilah pointed a finger, “I don’t know how, but I knew that was you.”

He looked just a little bit startled, lips parted, blinking slowly.  Lilah crossed her arms, cocking a hip to the side as she waited for an explanation.

“I won’t apologize,” he said, finally, having collected himself.

Jerking her chin towards him, Lilah asked, “What would I want you to apologize for?”

A breath, “It is unusual for bondmates to be separate for long periods of time, and unheard of so soon after finding one another.”

“And?”

“And, I find that I need to check in with you to ensure you’re well.”

That was...almost sweet. It didn’t excuse the behavior, but the context was reassuring.

“You could have called me.”

“You didn’t give me your number.”

“You could have called the bar.”

In a voice laced with sarcasm, he said, “Yes, I’ll just call the establishment owned by people who are more enemies than friends and ask for you. I wonder how long it would take for your secret to get to Seth and Richie.”

Mouth thinning, Lilah felt her face heat, “I am doing my best, here.”

“As am I,” he retorted, shifting his stance, “I’d appreciate some consideration for my position.”

“Your position?”

“Yes, my position. I have people to keep fed, a business to run, and a bondmate who not only insists on living separately, but also insists on secrecy.”

“I have responsibilities, too,” Lilah asserted, throwing her hands up, “I can’t drop my entire life because of,” she gestured weakly between them, ��This.”

A voice sounded in her earbud, “Uh, Lilah?”

She stabbed the mute button, “What?”

“How many were supposed to be in this nest?” Seth asked, a tinge of panic in his voice.

“Recon put it at no more than 20.”

“Well, it looks like they found some friends.”

Craning her neck to look over the edge of the roof, Lilah checked the deep black horizon, seeing nothing, “How many?”

A beat, muffled voices, “Richie says he sees about forty or fifty, but its hard to tell.  They’re moving pretty fast.”

Lilah did a few calculations in her head—the size of the warehouse, the amount of C4 they’d put in there, the structure of the building as a whole.

“Plan stays the same,” she announced, “Funnel ‘em in. Blow ‘em to hell.”

“Roger that,” came Richie’s voice.

“Shut up,” Seth griped, and Lilah could just see him rolling his eyes, “We’ll hold position and pick off the ones that run.”

With a nod, Lilah pushed the mute button again. As she stared at the computer screen, another thought brushed against the forefront of her mind.

“How does it work?”

Brasa made a soft, questioning sound.

She looked up at him, “How does the...touching without touching thing work?”

He gave an elegant shrug, “Magic.”

Lilah huffed in disbelief, shaking her head and returning her attention to the screen. All detonators were active.  Absently, she pressed her hand to the little box to her right. It wouldn’t open without her fingerprints, a safety precaution she may not have needed to take—she was a safety girl, through and through. A little bit of paranormal phenomenon wasn’t going to change that. Flipping the top open, she flicked the little levers over each of the detonator buttons. Red lights turned green. Active and ready to fire.

“You know that culebras exist, you’re standing next for a born and bred Xibalban, and you scoff at magic?”

Lilah eyed him briefly, “Call me a cynic, if you like. But magic can’t be the only explanation.”

“Blood is the conduit of the soul,” he murmured. Lilah heard his voice, and Richie’s voice saying it in real time, the rhythm exact in a way that told her this was something ingrained into all of them. “It is also what ties us irrevocably together.”

She didn’t like the way he said ‘irrevocably’, the finality of his tone. Before she’d been taken on by the brothers Gecko, Lilah had been pretty much a nomad. She went where the work was, stayed exclusively in hotels or slept in her car (rented, or otherwise). The concrete knowledge that this thing between her and Brasa was so solid that it could not be broken made her skittish.

Before she could stop herself, and full well knowing that she wasn’t going to get a good reaction, Lilah said, “Is this like what you had with Amaru, a blood bond?”

His jaw clenched, eyes looking up and away. He even took a tiny step back. Lilah swallowed back the urge to apologize, hands clenching on the keyboard of her laptop.

“What that was,” he began, “Is not what this is. It could never be. The queen bonded me into service, into servitude. I could not refuse a command, no matter the cost.” His voice grew tense as he continued,  “I fought who she wanted, fucked who she wanted, killed at her will.”

Lifting up from where she was leaning on the little table, Lilah cast him a soft look, “That must have been frustrating.”

His expression was dark and more than a little angry, “It was.”

“But you’re not still bound to her? Or, I guess, to Kate?” She’d heard it from Kate, but Lilah needed to hear it from him.

Brasa shook his head, “No. The bond died with her.”

There was a long silence that yawned between them, Lilah trying to figure out if she’d crossed a line, and Brasa brooded nearby. It went on so long that the plan kicked into action while they were both still waiting for one another to say anything.

Sounds filtered in from across the street, people talking, doors opening.  She knew they’d find the bodies of their friends where Seth and Richie had left them. She also knew that they would take time to search the area.  The plan remained. Bomb the ones inside, shoot the ones running outside.  

Leaning over to look off the roof, Lilah’s hand hovered over the ignition. She watched the group argue, watched them look furtively around for their enemies. And, when as many of them were gathered in the building as were likely to do so, she pressed the button. It took about three seconds for the first one to go off, the rest followed in a staccato of fire and sound that blew out the windows.  

She ducked down, attempting to avoid flying debris. To her surprise, Brasa knelt down next to her, though he continued to look over the edge of the roof.

“Is this how you normally operate?”

“Not really,” she answered, “Why?”

His eyes turned to her, “Because this is the second time I’ve seen you use explosives.”

She shrugged, “We had some left over from the last job. I didn’t want it to go to waste.”

Mouth tugging up on one side, Brasa dipped his chin and said, “Speaking of the last job.”

He reached back and pulled her gun from the waistband of his pants, hidden by the heavy drape of his coat. He must have picked it up in the street where she’d dropped it below, a complete circle that had started when he’d first taken her weapon in that dark basement.

Lilah took it from him, “You have a habit of taking my weapons.”

“You have a habit of losing them.”

Gunshots fired, and Lilah knew the second part of the plan had started.  She stayed right where she was, her weight on one knee, looking at him. His expression had softened to amusement, and it looked like his earlier ire had passed. More gunshots, raised voices, snarls. Lilah leaned over the edge and looked down, cursing when one of the culebras caught sight of her.

“They saw me,” she breathed, thumb rolling over the safety on her pistol. “Gonna be a fight.”

Brasa smiled, “Good.”

They both stood, having no further need to hide.  Lilah kept her eye on the door, but that turned out to be unnecessary.  Brasa tapped her arm, flicking his fingers towards the street.  Lilah peered down and groaned. They were climbing the fucking walls.  She aimed, firing off a few rounds and knocking one down.

“Let them up,” Brasa ordered.

Lilah looked at him, incredulous, “You’re kidding.”

“No,” he shook his head, “Let them up. I’ll take care of them. You cover me.”

She looked at him a few more moments longer, then lifted both hands in surrender, taking several steps back from the edge and aiming. Brasa continued to look down, eyes focused. When the first of them cleared the edge, he bent at the knees, hauled them up, and threw them down head first onto the roof. Dazed, the guy didn’t react when he was rolled over and subsequently put out of his misery by a well placed stomp of Brasa’s boot, the kick going rough his rib cage straight to the other side. She winced, but held her stance.

The next guy had his arm ripped off before he could get to the lip of the roof, his head following soon after. And then two breached the roof, both of them attacking at the same time. Lilah had enough distance and focus to note how easily Brasa was fighting them off.  But, when one got an arm around his shoulder and pushed him down, the other poised to use both hands to hammer punch him, Lilah squeezed the trigger.

Brasa dispatched with the guy trying to hold him down, and then turned to flash her a pleased smile, “You have good aim.”

She blinked, “I have shitty aim. I was going for his arm.”

“But you hit him in the neck. Better shot,” he countered as he approached. “Are you hurt?”

Lilah laughed, “I should be asking you that.”

“I’m fine,” he said, smile holding, “No sweat.”

She eyed him, “I can see that.”

He wasn’t even out of breath. Could he even sweat? What was the physiology of a Xibalban?

Her earbud buzzed, “You good up there?”

Lilah stepped over to her computer, holstering her gun and tapping the mute button, “I’m good. You get them all?”

“No,” Richie said with a growl, “Couple got away.”

Hissing through her teeth, Lilah shook her head, “Well, maybe we scared them enough that they won’t come back.”

“Or,” Seth cut in, and she could hear muffled sounds behind his voice, “We just taught them how to be more careful.”

Shutting down her computer and pulling her bag out from underneath the table, Lilah gave a deep sigh, “Doesn’t matter. We’re done, here. At least for tonight.”

Brasa observed her while she packed up, his gaze a physical weight on the back of her neck. Uncomfortable with the silence, Lilah asked the question that had been burning at the back of her brain since the night she’d met him.

“How come you don’t bite me? Do Xibalbans not bite?”

A low chuckle rumbled, “We bite.”

She dropped the bag gently on the ground and tipped the table over to fold its legs underneath and the tabletop in half so that it would fit in her carrying case.  When he didn’t elaborate, she rolled her wrist at him, an unspoken gesture for more.

“What do you know about venom?”

She paused, an ache forming behind her eyes. He’d asked her a similar question when he’d explained the bond between them. She clocked it for what it was, a stalling technique.

“Just pretend that I don’t know shit about anything, okay?” She snapped, “Pretend I’ve been living under a rock.”

His brows drew together in confusion, but he continued nonetheless, “Behind my fangs are two glands that secrete a venom that is meant to keep my,” he paused, “donor...pliable.”

Hauling both bags over her shoulder, Lilah asked, “Pliable?”

He hummed in confirmation, “Less fighting means a cleaner bite.”

“Is it toxic?”

Brasa shook his head, “Not really. My experience is that the venom induces pleasurable feelings, though the effects are different for everyone.”

He followed her to the stairs, angling around her to get the door.

Lilah gave him a grateful nod, “And you don’t want to expose me to the venom?”

With the load she was carrying, Lilah didn’t dare turn her head to look at him, but she was comforted by the sound in the negative that reached her ears.

“I don’t want your perception of me to be colored by...the effects.”

At the landing, Lilah turned and smiled wryly at him, “You think I’ll like you more if you get me high.”

The slight pause in his step told her that she’d guessed right. Her smile widened, and she turned to make her way outside.

“The consideration is appreciated,” she called back to him as she cleared the door.

“Thank you,” he responded, following her out.

They watched Seth and Richie approached, rifles over their shoulders. Lilah moved to the alley, the trunk popping from a distance. She threw both bags in it and closed the lid, heading back to the men who were staring each other down not far away. Lilah noticed that both Seth and Richie were still holding their rifles close to their bodies.

“Okay,” she said loudly, “I think that’s a wrap, don’t you?”

Seth cut a look at her that was more annoyed than angry, “I agree.” Then, to Brasa, “Thanks for coming to the party. How about, next time, you RSVP first.”

Brasa smirked, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Lilah rolled her eyes and reached over to pull Seth by the arm, “Let’s go. Like I said, I want to be home before the sun comes up.” Over her shoulder, she said, “Thanks for the assist.”

Brasa gave her a courteous nod. Lilah congratulated herself that she didn’t look back, even when they were tearing out into the desert towards home. They did, in fact, get there before sunrise.

[megashadowdragon]

coldhands identity is brave danny flint

Could Coldhands be Brave Danny Flint? It sounds crackpot, and very likely is, but the more I thought about it the more it appealed to me. I've done a quick search, one or two people seem to have floated this before but it's never had much in-depth analysis. This is my first meta, so please be gentle and C&C welcome.

The Gender Agenda To start with, I'll start with the elephant in the room - Danny Flint was a girl, Coldhands is male. Or is he? Gilly, Meera, and Bran all refer to him as male, but they have no idea who he is, so would see Night's Watch clothes and assume. He wears a scarf over his face, and while they can see his eyes and that his face is pale, it took Bran's gang a decent amount of time to work out he was a walking corpse, so I'm not sure I trust them to figure out niceties like gender. Leaf's "They killed him long ago" is more of a problem - she's a colleague, she would probably know. My best defence is that maybe Children of the Forest don't do gender in the same way as humans? This feels like a reach, but we have had another magical species with sexual fluidity leading to trouble with pronouns in the series. Otherwise, Leaf tends to hang out in the cave, Coldhands can't get in, maybe they're just not that close. Finally, the main person to ask - Coldhands his or her self. The only other post I could see on reddit about this theory had someone respond with the quote "Once the heart has ceased to beat, a man's blood runs down into his extremities, where it thickens and congeals. His hands and feet swell up and turn as black as pudding. The rest of him becomes as white as milk", but I'd point out this is in third person and a generalization - "a man", not "me, Coldhands, the man".

Okay, now I've convinced everyone my theory is terrible, let's get into the meat of it.

Hands cold as stone This was what got me into this rabbit hole in the first place - House Flint's sigil is "A grey stone hand upon a white inverted pall on paly black and grey". A stone hand would be pretty cold, right? In point of fact, when we first met Coldhands, the final line of the chapter describes "fingers hard as stone." On top of that, the white and black background seems to fit the Night's Watch blacks, pale face, black hands, white snow, etc.

Who the hell else could it be? This has always been the weird thing about Coldhands for me. Honestly, there's a very good chance this is a non mystery mystery, he's a zombie Night's watch ranger riding an elk, do we really need a secret identity? However, "who is Coldhands?" is one of the most commonly asked questions in the fandom, so let's assume it's getting an answer. We know: a) night's watch member b) killed a long time ago, as reckoned by a 200 year old, c) not Benjen. There are essentially 3 historical periods where we know any specifics about the Night's Watch: 1) the long night/age of heroes, 2) Targaryen era, 3) recent history. If we work through these backwards, we can pretty much rule out the recent era for not meeting the criteria of "killed a long time ago". The Targaryen era didn't have much Night's Watch drama, a few kings sent to the wall at Aegon's conquest, Raymun Redbeard's invasion is wall related but the whole point of that story is that the Night's Watch failed to really get involved... the only strong contender from this period is a mysterious magical Targaryen bastard who went to the wall and went missing... but he's the other mysterious good zombie wandering around up north. The long night has a lot of Night's Watch focus, but it was 10,000 years ago. Allowing for this being in-universe exaggeration, it's still ~2,000 years ago, and if Coldhands were that old, I'm not sure he'd be in elk-riding mutineer-killing form, or at least not look passably human to Bran and co. This rules out specific timeline characters, which leaves more folkloric characters like Danny Flint, who isn't associated to any one point in time. There's a song, and she's treated as a well-known tale, which implies a fairly long time, but overall could be whenever. This works for any of the folkloric Night's Watch characters, but the Rat King is already otherwise occupied with a different cannibalistic pseudo immortality, leaving Mad Axe, who does have the massacring fellow brothers down pat, but doesn't feel thematically right to me. This section really grew in the writing, but TL;DR - assuming Coldhands is someone we've heard of before, no specific historical figures seem to match up chronologically, leaving figures from folk tales and songs, which there are only so many of.

Mutineer Massacre For a character we've all obsessed over so much, it's easy to forget how little we've seen of Coldhands. His role in the story has effectively been "transport Sam and Gilly to the wall, transport Bran and co to Bloodraven, massacre the Night's Watch mutineers". Hold up, one of those things is not like the others. During his quest to get Bran to Bloodraven, to awake the messiah and save the world, Coldhands takes a break and makes a detour to kill the Night's Watch Mutineers from Crasters. This is explicitly noted to be something they slow down for, when time is critical. Admittedly, it secures the party some delicious Long Pork when supplies are low, but even in aDwD it seems like there are other ways to get meat than to hunt humans, besides which he kills not one but five mutineers. He claims it is because the mutineers are following them, but Meera points out they've been circling for days - it seems Coldhands deliberately sought the mutineers out. The brutality of the kills also suggests more than utilitarian pragmatism - there are entrails slung through branches and severed heads! All of this to say, Coldhands is deliberately shown as both a member of the Night's Watch, and willing/going out of his way to punish Night's Watch brothers who break their vows and harm their fellow brothers, something Danny Flint might take personally. Basically, it's a classic exploitation movie with an elk-riding zombie as the wronged woman hunting down wrongdoers. Someone call Tarantino to direct this.

A True Night's Watch One of the big themes GRRM loves is the idea that outsiders to an institution can be the truest embodiment of that institution - Dunk and Brienne are the truest Knights, Davos is the truest lord, the Manderlys are the most loyal northerners. Coldhands already seems to tie into this - the Night's Watch are tireless defenders from the Others and their Wights, so ironically the staunchest ranger is undead as well. It would only emphasise this theme if this ultimate Night's Watch ranger was someone who was barred from entry, had to sneak in, and was murdered by their brothers for not belonging. There also seems to be a thematic tie in that Danny Flint had to essentially infiltrate the Night's Watch and keep her cover in hostile terrain, much like Coldhands in the Others controlled north.

Bonding over being murdered by your brothers Coldhands has so far been very much one of Bran's cast, but it's worth noting characters can switch storylines, and we have someone else in the North who can soon relate to being a back-from-the-dead Night's Watchman fighting the Others - I'm hardly the first to note the Coldhands/Jon parallels, but Coldhands being another character who was murdered by the Night's Watch due to their conservatism and hatred of outsiders would add another layer.

Miscellany A couple of quotes I found while researching for this: “Did Mance ever sing of Brave Danny Flint?” “Not as I recall. Who was he?” (ADWD Jon XII) - Tormund and Jon talking, Tormund mistaking Danny Flint for a man, this feels like one of those throw-away lines GRRM likes to include to make a little double meaning once the truth is out, or just seeding the idea of mistaking Danny Flint for a man. “The ranger wore the black of the Night’s Watch, but what if he was not a man at all?" (ADWD Bran I) - again, I could see GRRM giggling as he typed that if this theory were true.

Conclusion Honestly, there is every chance this is absolute nonsense, and I've just lost it waiting for TWoW. I tend to lean towards Coldhands not having a big identity reveal, he's an undead ranger co-opted by Bloodraven and that's enough. However, if Coldhands is to have an identity reveal, I think Danny Flint deserves consideration: there aren't that many viable candidates, her story is emotionally intense enough and has been referred to often enough that a casual fan could be expected to go "oh!" instead of "...let me google that", and it would fit with existing themes of the story. The angle of Jon parallels even gives an opening for the reveal to be natural and facilitate character and thematic arcs, which is what I look for in a theory.

comment on reddit

Yeah, the Flint (of Flint's Finger) sigil literally being a Cold Hand is what sold me on this when I started looking into it. There's also some other intriguing textual stuff about it...

The weird thing about Danny Flint is that she is only mentioned three times in all of ASOIAF. Three! Bran recounts her tale in Bran IV, ASOS; Theon hears Wyman Manderly demand her song in The Prince of Winterfell, ADWD; and Jon discusses her tale with Tormund in Jon XII, ADWD.

This was kind of shocking to me. Danny Flint is a pretty recognizable name to, I’d figure, the majority of attentive readers. I thought she must have been mentioned before the third book, at least, but… nope. Her tale is first introduced to us in Bran IV, ASOS, the Nightfort chapter… Oh, what’s that? Wait, isn’t that… the very same Nightfort chapter where we first hear about Coldhands? (Well, no, actually, he appears at the end of Samwell III before that, but this is the first chapter where he is identified as Coldhands.) Chronologically, Sam meets Coldhands, Bran thinks about Danny Flint, and then Sam introduces Bran to Coldhands, in fairly quick succession.

So it seems GRRM came up with Danny Flint and Coldhands around the exact same time. Interesting. Danny Flint is then not mentioned again until ADWD, when the Coldhands mystery is developed further. Double interesting.

Also, the Bran chapter directly preceding the Nightfort chapter– our first introduction to Danny Flint– is the one where Meera tells him the story of the Knight of the Laughing Tree, another tale of a northern warrior woman dressing as a man and hiding her face in service of some greater goal. Stretch? Maybe.

And why would Coldhands' face be covered at all if there WASN'T some big reveal upcoming? What utility would that have? That scarf clearly seems like a setup for SOMETHING. He doesn't need it for warmth. He's likely hiding a face that would make him recognizable to Bran/Meera/Jojen (and the readers), but died long ago... the only way that reveal could work without a ton of laborious exposition is if he took off the scarf and it was obviously a 'female' face, making it obviously Danny. It also seems likely Coldhands will interact with at least Bran and Meera again, both of whom are somewhat connected to Danny Flint’s story– Bran via his love of stories and legends, and Meera via the breaking of gender roles. So there's thematic levels to it as well.

source www . reddit . com/r/asoiaf/comments/llwm8m/coldhands_identity_spoilers_extended/

[voices-not-echoes]

You're calling out fookjonsastark in your post but have you ever seen Dany-Sue and her hate about Daenerys/her stans? There are MORE Dany/Jonerys haters than Jonsa haters (most Jonerys stans LOVE Sansa - they just don't see her with Jon). All the Jonsa posts today that mention Dany talk about her invading Jon's space or her dragons eating children - theories that hold no water at all. Jonerys people don't do that in relation to Sansa. It's Jonsas who hate all the time, not Jonerys.

Imagine sending this in response to the post I made, thinking you’re making a valid argument. Apparently there is more salt to come on my normally drama-light blog, so once again, feel free to ignore. Also, this is my first anon hate! Congrats you made me feel shitty.

Before I answer, I’m just going to insert a few parts of my post that you should have read before you interacted with it or sent this ask.

“This is all of my raging Jonsa salt finally exploding, so if you don’t ship or you just don’t want to see me go off, feel free to ignore.” ~ Me, letting you know if you follow me exactly what this angry rant I made at 11 o clock at night was so you didn’t have to read it. If you don’t follow me, there was a cut.

“I can recognize that there are Jonsas who are rude and tag incorrectly. I can recognize that there are people who make hateful comments and send gloats and anon hate and all that other bullshit. There are plenty of super nice Jonerys stans too, I follow a bunch of them.”  ~Me, acknowledging that there are people who make hateful posts about Daenerys’ stans

Now, let’s move on to your ask, and the way like 89% of what you said proved my point.

There are MORE Dany/Jonerys haters than Jonsa haters (most Jonerys stans LOVE Sansa - they just don’t see her with Jon). 

First of all, I don’t think the first part of your statement is true? Hating Jonsa is kind of a trend for the whole fandom right now. More importantly, you are not arguing against my post. Although I personally feel uncomfortable making content that is against a fictional character, I am okay with people who do that. I just look away when I see that people don’t like my fave, whether its my favorite ship or my favorite character. I am talking about fans insulting other fans (the real people behind the screens) for theorizing against Jonerys or liking Jonsa. I’ll leave some pictures below to clarify.

Post criticizing Sansa and promoting Jonerys:

Do I agree with that content? No. Is it critical of my favorite character? Yes. Does it make me want to cry because I feel like my intelligence is insulted when I’m already having a bad day? No. Not insulting the people who like a character is not hard. Let’s see some people fail at it**.

**I had to venture into the anti Jonsa tag to prove my point on this one and just know, these were only the short Jonsa criticisms I found. I could have basically copied That One Big Jonerys Fan’s entire blog. This made me kind of emotionally exhausted also. I don’t think I’ll respond to any other asks on this.

Huh…..it’s almost like…..people make their whole brand out of being mean to Jonsas. Whoever could have guessed? I don’t care about your hatred of a fictional character. Literally write whatever you want about Sansa Stark. I won’t like it. Sometimes I’ll refute it. But I won’t feel personally attacked because it isn’t a personal attack. As soon as you bring in how every Jonsa is a delusional, misogynistic teenage soccer mom who advocates for slavery, the murder of children, and feudalism, it is a personal attack. And even if it’s tagged correctly, if I see it, it will hurt me.

I’m not even going to talk about the fact that, despite how ridiculed they are, Jonsa theories generally come from somewhere? Whether its some book passages, chapter order, costumes, or scene directions, there is some evidence and a lot of analysis behind these metas and theories, and even if parts of them or even all of them turn out to not be true, it still took a lot of intelligence and work to put together that evidence and analyze the shit out of it. The Jonsa fandom is smart and creative and, contrary to popular opinion, not entirely made up of salty people who hate Dany so much they just had to join the party. We all have our own personalities, our own pet theories, our own level of investment in the ship. Even though Political Jon and Dark!Dany are popular in our fandom right now, not everyone believes them, including me! I’m thinking heroic sacrifice for Dany and Jon! Look at that! A jOnSa! With her own opinions!

All the Jonsa posts today that mention Dany talk about her invading Jon’s space or her dragons eating children - theories that hold no water at all.

Oh and also I’m refuting this even though I wasn’t originally planning on it because this post is already so long and so salty that I might as well. 

That scene in the trailer where Dany approaches Jon is like 3 seconds long and has no context, so… literally any theory about it holds water. It could be Dany sneaking down to meet up with Jon for some hot sex on Catelyn’s grave. It could be Dany threatening to burn Winterfell to the ground. It could just be Dany and Jon sharing a moment before they go up to feast after arriving. We don’t know!

Oh and…. about the dragons? Hate to tell you this but the dragons frequently burn people. That’s kind of the reason they’ve been brought North. To burn the wights. And, just in case you’ve forgotten, they have burned a child. Her name was Hazzea.

[brittanybutler]

My thoughts on the novelization of the Kim Possible movie! Minor spoilers.

Okay, so I caved and bought a digital copy of the live action Kim Possible movie novelization and, uh... I have some thoughts. Continue reading for some general information and my opinion on the overall vibe. Nothing toooo spoiler-y or deep. Well, I get deep with my analysis... but I’m not analyzing anything too big. Just minor things and lines that aren’t important to the storyline but can give you a pretty good idea of what the movie will be like. There are no details that I would consider major or huge plot points in this post. If you’ve seen all of the trailers/sneak peeks and are familiar with the film’s summary, you should be alright. Basically, keep reading if you want to know what to mentally prepare yourself for lol.

Right off the bat, all I’m gonna say is that judging from the dialogue alone -- it’s definitely geared towards kids. Young kids. I don’t think teenagers will think this is cool. Just as I feared, there’s cheesy use of social media (selfies, live-streaming, youtube) and annoying 2010s slang (“shook” “fam” “kthanksbye,” etc.) I don’t understand why they feel the need to throw in stuff like that to make it ~current~??? It just makes it feel awkward and trying too hard to be relatable. I think keeping it relatively timeless and omitting slang and selfies would’ve been the better option for a live action adaptation of something as iconic as Kim Possible. There’s already enough technology with her freaking holographic Kimmunicator and gadgets! haha. It’s 2019. We all know that smartphones are a thing. They’re normalized now. You don’t need to shove it in our face, haha. I mean, Kim said some dated slang in the cartoon and flip phones were prominent... but it’s a cartoon. It works. With live action, it gets a little dicey. You want these characters to feel like people who talk like real people, ya know?!

Something that made me cringe beyond belief is the first scene at Bueno Nacho. Athena named her dog “Ron Stop-pit-bull” (I kid you not) so Ron says something about wanting to be a freaking dog when he grows up??? So Athena and Ron literally proceed to woof like dogs and break into laughter about it......??? I have no idea how that’s not gonna be cringeworthy on screen. I wanted to die just from reading it. Some people assumed this photo from J-14 magazine was behind the scenes, but it does in fact happen in the movie: 

One thing that sorta rubbed me the wrong way is that they talk about Kim and Ron being famous heroes on the news and everything a liiiiittle too much. Athena being a superfan of Kim and Ron kinda goes along with that and could potentially feel a little overkill. The morons who think that Kim had a secret identity are gonna have a field day with that lol. Ugh.

The holographic Kimmunicator is a really cool update for this generation since the original one was essentially a smartphone with FaceTime and wouldn’t be nearly has forward thinking as it was in 2002. Towards the end of the KP series it was updated to a wristwatch, among a few other different designs (but a wristwatch also wouldn’t be forward thinking today thanks to Apple Watches) and now it’s a necklace. I like that! 

The only issue is that it’s not very discreet. Wade pops up a lot throughout the movie and as we saw in the sneak peek, the hologram is pretty huge. I hope the size can vary or something? Because that could be weird when Wade beeps Kim at school and stuff. It was handy when cartoon Kim could casually whip out the handheld, open her locker and talk to Wade on the computer, or glance at her wrist. Not sure how this is gonna fly in other situations:

Also, this sneak peek makes more sense in context. I figured it would. People are seriously overreacting. They portray Kim as a perfectionist and she desperately wants to be on time for her first day of high school. It’s not “WHY is Kim using her gadgets and Wade’s help for an every day situation?!?! UGHH” like people are complaining about. It makes sense to me. It’s cute! That barrel roll is still completely unnecessary though, hahahahaha. But, I’m embracing the random stunts like that. I think it’s hysterical. 

I know a lot of people (myself included) were upset about Kim not being a cheerleader, but she actually is! Or at least, she was...? And is still interested in cheer at the beginning of the movie. So that’s nice! Kim being a cheerleader was necessary on the show because it helped us make sense of all her flips and kicks and such during missions. It’s a really important part of her character so I was sooo happy to see that it wasn’t completely erased!

I still want to be surprised by the movie, so I just skimmed it and skipped a lot of pages. But yeaaaah. That’s the general gist of it. I feel like I’ve read enough to know that I should keep my expectations lower than I originally planned. This doesn’t mean the movie is going to be terrible or anything. The junior novelizations usually leave out a lot of things (the book felt extremely short? Granted, I skipped a lot.. but yeah) and the whole story is written in a way that’s cheesy and simple for little kids to read. Like, I’m not gonna lie. I was pretty much cringing non-stop. I have a junior novelization of The Even Stevens Movie and it’s cringy as HECK. They even changed some of the dialogue for whatever reason! But the movie isn’t nearly as cringy and is clearly a campy self-aware flick once you watch it. I’m hoping KP will be the same way.

I can’t help but worry that it’ll translate to screen as suuuuper lame though. Let’s hope the actors can pull it off convincingly. I want to love Ron (I stand by my word that Sean Giambrone is the perfect choice) but he’s seeming a little too dumb at points, overly kid friendly and hunky dory! Like a literal human cartoon. He trips over his shoelaces and falls victim to other clichés like that. Some of the lines he has are... oh boy. [i.e. *sees a giant statue of a brain* “WOW! I didn’t know brains were so big! How do they fit in our heads?!” -- An actual Ron Stoppable quote.] In a cartoon, a line like that works. But live action? Ehhh. It all depends on Sean’s delivery though, and I have faith in him but... dang, he has some awkward dialogue to work with.

I’m a huge fan of The Goldbergs, so Ron is the main thing I’m excited about if I’m being totally honest. I will say, the first two chapters are the only parts I read fully (since they were the free sample) and I liked it. It’s action packed and fun. We’ve actually seen a lot of it in the trailers already so if you wanna read it, it doesn’t spoil too much at all. Ron’s grand entrance is cute and wacky and I actually smiled really hard while reading and picturing it. :)

I’m not a big fan of how Rufus is introduced. They made a major change and it kinda genuinely upset me. But, I will say.. they at least give us an explanation for why Rufus is so smart and aware. That’s kinda cool, since in a 2d cartoon you don’t need to question why a naked mole rat can talk and point and help Kim and Ron lol. I’m horrified of how the CGI will look in action though. From the one photo we’ve seen, he looks kinda terrifying imo: 

I’ve said before that instead of attempting to go for a ~realistic~ feel, they might’ve been better off keeping 2d animated Rufus and having a vibe similar to Space Jam lol. I mean, Kim Possible is a cartoon that makes no logical since in real life so I don’t think that would’ve hurt. Or maybe I’m just sad because 2d Rufus is sooo adorable. I’m gonna miss him so much. 

EDIT: They’ve officially released some footage of Rufus in action and he looks waaaaaay better than I expected! Yay!

As everyone has predicted, from the few parts I read.. Drakken and Shego seem awesome and on point! Pretty funny as well. I don’t have any complaints about them. Rest assured, Shego delivers her sarcastic remarks a ton. I actually laughed out loud at one of them omg. From what we’ve seen, Todd is doing a fantastic Drakken and Taylor has great deadpan delivery. I have a feeling they might steal the show tbh!

So, yeah. Make of this what you will!

I’m still really excited for the movie, but I’m relieved to have my expectations in check now. 

[nineteensixtieschikadee]

Debunking Arya Stark being Azor Ahai and the Princess That Was Promised. (S8 E3)

(Let’s get one thing straight before I write this whole post. I LOVE Arya Stark. That girl is my baby. She’s my favorite character, not only in the show, but also very importantly, in the books. And I LOVED that she was the one to kill the Night King. So this post isn’t in any way going to a post about me complaining about the final 10 minutes of Episode 3 of S8. Instead, this will be me CRITICALLY ANALYZING that moment, and how it fit’s and doesn’t fit into the lore, and the books. Afterall, I am a book reader first and foremost, and a show-watcher 2nd.)

Before I say anything else, I’ll give you guys my rundown opinion of that scene. This morning I was on twitter and Tumblr, and I started losing my freaking marbles because everyone was labeling Arya Stark, Azor Ahai Reborn, and TPTWP. And I wasn’t the only one. Everyone on the asoiaf forums were equally disappointed at how everything about e3 was handled. And I, unfortunately, am one of those people. But here’s the thing, and let’s make this clear. Ask any book reader, NONE OF US ARE MAD THAT ARYA KILLED THE NK. In fact, a lot of us expected something like that, because we know that Arya in the books will have a VERY IMPORTANT role for the upcoming war for the Dawn. There are lots of hints and foreshadow about her doing something remarkable in the books, however, this is not one of them. So let’s analyze and debunk this moment:

Yes, Arya killing the Night King was hella bad-ass. Hell, I even cheered for her. Although when it got to the final credits, I was literally so lost, and confused, and overall disappointed. I was lowkey quiet for the first 10 minutes after, because I couldn’t believe what actually happened. Here’s the thing that is irking everyone about Arya being AA or TPTWP: her killing the NK, so easily AND ALONE is what ruined the plot arcs of some of those characters whose plot actually revolves around the Others. Yes, the moment was EMPOWERING. Being a women who stopped the damn apocalypse. I was inspired. And it was very poetic that Arya killed the ULTIMATE representation of DEATH. But the BUILDUP to her killing the NK? Where was it? A simple foreshadow from Mel about eye colors? The fact that Arya used a sparring move against Brienne in S7? A moment when Bran gives her Catspaw? When she meets Jon, and Jon says, “How did you sneak up on me?”? 

Here, the reason why Arya SIMPLY killing the NK so easily doesn’t work, is because it INVALIDATES EVERYTHING about the books and it’s morals, and the text. Arya killing the NK with one stab, while Dany couldn’t even injure him with fire, fucks up the lore and the history so badly, that it all feels so worthless. Pointless. What? Was everything that happened in the books a BIG RED HERRING?? You spend so many years BUILDING up to this war, and Arya simply killing him without any problems or consequences is what wins the war? What about Daenerys? What about Jon? WHAT WAS THE POINT? WHY WAS HE WAS BROUGHT BACK? Just to be King? Huh? And BRAN.

Yes GOT is about the Throne. And it would make sense that the show ends where it started, with the throne. But the whole point of A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE is about ICE AND FIRE. The balance between life and death. The balance between good and bad. The balance between magic and reality. The whole point of the battle between ice and fire, is that none of the things involving the throne matters. Bc there is an even more powerful danger lurking on both sides. Dany being a danger from the south (fire) and the Others from the north (Ice). There has to be a balance between those two things, and that is not the Iron Throne.

Let’s go back to the AA prophecy quickly. People on twitter were lowkey confused because apparently no one knows who Azor Ahai is, and now everyone immediately thinks it’s Arya cause she killed the NK. Here’s a small rundown: Azor Ahai, or The Prince/Princess who was promised was a prophized figure who fought against the Others (White Walkers), bringing forth a summer after a generation of winter and darkness. This prophecy is to come back into fruition once more, now that winter is coming. And HIS is the SONG OF ICE AND FIRE, who will be reborn amidst salt and smoke, and is prophisized to save the world AGAIN from eternal darkness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3o2LqFZcGU Click the link for more info. This one is my favorite video analysis about AA. (IN SHORT, AA IS BASICALLY JESUS, LOL)

Now I know prophecy should always be taken with a grain of salt. It shouldn’t be taken too lightly, or too figuratively. BUT! AA is NOT just anyone. There are REQUIREMENTS to be this prophesied savior. (See video above.) Those requirements do NOT FIT ARYA. I really tried. No this fandom tried. We tried making even the slightest connection, even metaphorically that Arya could somehow be the PTWP. But the only thing we could find that actually made sense, was that she felt “reborn” when she saw the red comet (bleeding star) back in ACOK (S2). Not even metaphorically does she fit this prophecy. Now here’s the next counter argument: What if prophecy is just bullshit, and none of it is real, and we’re all just wasting our time? Yes, all of that is plausible. HOWEVER, you spend all this time, 8 seasons, 5 books, with SO SO SO MUCH foreshadow and hints, and LEGITIMATE EVIDENCE, that it doesn’t properly pay off? GRRM is NOT like that. There are characters in the books that predict ACCURATE prophecies and foreshadows. In fact, there is a character who is known to accurately predict prophecy. And she does for Arya. Guess who it is? *Bingo bingo!* The GHOST OF HIGHHEART. (Jenny’s Song. S8 E2)

“I see you. I see you, wolf child. Blood child. I thought it was the lord who smelled of death ... You are cruel to come to my hill, cruel. I gorged on grief at Summerhall, I need none of yours. Begone from here, dark heart. Begone!” (ASOS, pg 593)

Prophecy may not be accurate at times. But they DO pay off. This prophecy here is literally the equivalent of Melisandre giving the “Colored eyes” prophecy in the show. Because in the books, Mel doesn’t even meet Arya and there is no colored eye foreshadow, or any sort of foreshadow that she is TPTWP. There is however, other ways you can interpret this prophecy above. (You decide.)

Prophecy is a BIG THING about the books. Yes, it may not be accurate, but they HOLD MEANING. THE AZOR AHAI PROPHECY IS THE BACKBONE OF THE WHOLE WHITE WALKER STORYLINE. By ignoring this prophecy, you are essentially taking away the PURPOSE and the real motives of these characters who are INTERTWINED with this prophecy. The reason why Arya killing the NK so easily and ALONE is a problem with us, is because it invalidates this prophecy, and therefore makes everything, all the buildup absolutely POINTLESS. The characters that have been involved from Day 1 with this prophecy, have been reduced to nothing more than a side story. A myth.

Let’s look at all the characters whose building story arc have become irrelevant because of the writer’s decision to pull that plot twist: 

Jon Snow:

Wow. This one literally couldn’t hurt any more than it already does... From his first chapter, to his first scene in the show, we are led to believe that this character is literally nothing more than Ned Stark’s bastard. A side character. It is made clear that he IS A BASTARD. He IS AN OUTSIDER. Both him and Arya have parallel arcs. They intertwine beautifully. This is why people think Arya will also have a role to play with the Others in the later books. Because she and Jon share the same story, just she is dealing with a different kind of death. GRRM from the book emphasizes Jon’s bastard title, and his mother. And he isn’t really made out to be an important character until MUCH LATER in the book series. The fact that there’s so much emphasis on his title, and R+L=J is IMPORTANT. Bc the whole AA prophecy states that AA will be reborn out of Jaehaerys line. Not anyone from the Starks. Also the line, “You know nothing Jon Snow,”  is even more relevant because it’s full of irony. You have the guy who’s known to know nothing, but he actually KNOWS MORE than anyone realizes. Jon’s whole arc is about the Others. Which would have made his fight with them MUCH MORE PERSONAL because his storyline is physically and emotionally connected to them. The fact that he joins the Night’s Watch is important too. Because no, they don’t just fight wildlings in the books. Their purpose was to protect the realm from the Others.  I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men. This is so relevant because Jon becoming king, would make it MUCH MORE meaningful. A king that PROTECTED the realm. Assuming he even becomes king, would make his whole arc come full circle and would be so much more rewarding. You have this dude resurrected from the dead, and what? Was his purpose just to unite the people and become king? You have this character foreshadowed to have a standoff with the ultimate bad guy, and he does nothing but run around screaming at an undead dragon...Yes, it’s cliche. BUT IT’S STILL GOOD STORY TELLING BECAUSE IT’S BEEN BUILT UP PROPERLY. 

Bran Stark:

I don’t even have words for this one... You have Brandon Stark literally the most OP person in all of the seven kingdoms and YOU. DONT. USE. HIM. Okay I agree, GRRM says Bran is the hardest character to write in the books, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for him to just warg into ravens and do what? Scout? That’s it? This kid was literally pushed off a tower that ended up triggering his journey to become the 3-eyed raven a.k.a THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE UNIVERSE, and he does absolutely nothing but sit around predicting other peoples future, and being weird, and warging into ravens. Lol what’s worse is that he’s just there in the show to serve the other character’s plot line. By “TRIGGERING” these events that the characters will eventually get into. Bloodraven in the books is SCARY AS HELL. No one really knows his motive and yet he can do so much more than what Bran does in the show. Bloodraven is the definition of MIND BLOWING. Bran AND JON ARE THE TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE THE MOST PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED TO THE OTHERS, AND BY THE END, THEIR WHOLE ARCS WERE THROWN IN THE TRASH. They don’t have a big face off, or any sort of payoff. Just staring and staring and staring. And BAM. Welp Night King’s dead. Oops guess we were just here for absolutely no other purpose than to trigger events and bring all these dumb people together. (Sorry, this one lowkey triggered the hell out of me. The 3 eyed Raven, Hodor, Meera and Jojen DID NOT DIE just for Bran to not be used to his full potential...)

Daenerys Targaryen:

This one is soo annoying. Daenerys Targaryen, fits literally ALMOST ALL the signs of the prophecy that it almost seems too obvious if she was AA. But welp, none of that matters now because she didn’t really do anything to kill the Night King. SHE DID DO MORE THAN JON though, I’ll give her that. Yeah she’s a conqueror going for the Iron Throne. But she’s also a direct descendant of King Jaehaerys’ line. Part of her whole arc is fire and blood. But it is also about her fight for her birthright, and if she would give up her birthright to fulfill something greater. We as fans, we root for her to get the throne. But we also root for her to do something MORE. But more IMPORTANTLY, her arc is also in parallel with the Others. And no, I don’t mean that she’s a mad queen. But the title of the series is called A Song of Ice and Fire. Daenerys is a THREAT from the south. (Fire.) And the Others are a threat from the north. (Ice) There has to be a balance between them. In the show she loses a dragon, one of her children. And the fact that her choice of weapon doesn’t do ANY damage to the ultimate villain, but a simple stabbing does? I don’t even like Daenerys much after s6, but wow. This was underwelming to the core. Dragon chick who’s literally a level 1K going against another level 1K final boss and can’t do shit to him??

Rhaegar Targaryen:

This I think is the one that ANNOYS ME THE MOST. Like holy shit, they could not have possibly damaged this whole wretched storyline even more than they already did. But somehow the show writers managed to go and give it one final blow. Rhaegar Targayen. The one arguably responsible for ALL the shit we have in Game of Thrones. The one whose actions triggered nearly every single arc into motion in this whole goddamn series. The man who is arguably considered the REAL MAIN CHARACTER in ASOIAF. HIS WHOLE COMPLEX CHARACTER ARC AND STORYLINE FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET. I love Rhaegar’s character in the books, cause he’s well, not exactly a good guy. He’s in that perfect morally grey area, which is what I love about characters. He’s not suppose to be likeable. He’s suppose to be complex. But the show not only managed to make him the MOST UNLIKEABLE character in this series, but they also managed to ruin all of his complexities in favor of making him a love-sick puppy thinking with his dick. This was lowkey the biggest fuck you they could give to his character, the characters surrounding him, (*cough* Elia)  and to the lore and history of the books. Rhaegar’s whole arc and storyline revolved around this stupid prophecy and that’s literally THE reason why everything went down the way it did in the books. Elia was also INTO the prophecy too, so it’s not like she wasn’t aware of anything! Elia was even helping Rhaegar fullfill this prophecy, it just so happens that she was too sick, to do anything more. The fact that the show chose to ignore this whole thing and disregard the lore surrounding it is literally is the biggest fuck you to Elia and her children. It means that Rhaegar truly was a mad man who left his wife and disowned his children because he was thinking with his dick. When in fact it wasn’t really like that. Rhaegar really did try to protect Elia and their children when he left them. And that too gets thrown in the trash because of this dumb prophecy. And that sucks because Elia played an important role with this prophecy, and she knew and understood it too. And in the end, none of their actions became worth it...  By not having the proper payoff from all of this buildup, Elia and her children literally died for NOTHING.

Other characters who’s arc were ruined by the mess in e3:

Samwell Tarly: Was the first character to discover that WW can be killed with dragonglass. He was studying at the citadel to learn more about them, and find info on how to beat them. Not only did this NOT happen, but he didn’t even contribute to anything for the end of the world. Literally just went back to being the scared little puppy he was back in S1/book1. His role then had no relevancy because NK was killed so easily, and he didn’t even learn a single thing about him or how to kill him, other than him wanting to “erase memories.” His whole arc was about him being more than what he believed in. Being smarter than what his father thought he was. And they did not utilize that. He coward back again! Like what was the point of him going to the citadel and stuff if literally the EASIEST way to kill the NK was a simple stab with a special steel?

This episode had so many problems. But Arya Stark killing the NK WASN’T the main problem. You can have the most beautiful shot television series with so much time and effort put in it. But all of that means nothing when the writing is not consistent. The fact that the show did a 360 and practically ignored literally EVERYTHING about the lore and the text, is what’s frustrating everyone. Because while Arya killing the NK and saving the realm BY HERSELF was yes, poetic and SERVED WELL TIEING UP HER ARC, in doing so, it had managed to UNTIE literally YEARS and years of plot threads and buildup from most of the other CRUCIAL characters, that in the end, it feels so empty. Arya should not have killed the NK ALONE. Bran should’ve been a part of it. Jon should’ve helped Arya kill the NK. Now that would’ve been a good payoff for both their arcs. Jon, Bran, Arya, Daenerys and Tyrion are considered by GRRM to be the CORE 5 of the story. And in the end, in this supposedly world ending apocalypse, only Arya really played a KEY role. Bran didn’t do anything powerful to stop the NK. He only triggered events and was bait. Daenerys was getting slaughtered out there, and even her most prized weapon could help her fully. Jon... Let’s be honest, no one knows what in the world Jon was doing this ep. Tyrion was down in the crypts, when this little man literally could have contributed to WAR TACTICS. All these characters are connected with the Others emotionally, physically and/or metaphorically, that the fact that only one of them became crucial to the endgame, makes the story so POINTLESS. What was the point of bringing Jon back from the dead if he was only going to unite people and become king? What was the point of Bran venturing far north to become the most powerful human being, if all he’s going to do is trigger events and warg into ravens? etc. 

Arya killing the NK alone hurts because while she is foreshadowed to play a crucial role against the Others in the books, SHE IS THE MOST DISTANT FROM THEM IN TERMS OF STORYLINE. It doesn’t pay off well in the show, because until a couple of weeks ago, she didn’t even know the Others existed. Up until last night’s battle, she’s never seen a white walker. That’s why it didn’t feel right for her to do the kill alone. Her arc did not intertwine with the Others, physically or emotionally. Unlike Jon or Bran whose literal whole arc has been with the Others, and is about the Others. That’s why it feels so empty. It didn’t feel rewarding. It was undeserving. Because up until last night, she’s had no interaction with a single Other, whatsoever. The buildup was actually weak, and because of it, it didn’t feel as good as it should’ve. 

Arya’s plotline is more than just hyping up to kill the Others. Like the other core members, she has a complex story arc. Arya’s storyline is about her heart in conflict with itself. It’s about her identity. Part of the reason why she struggles in AFFC & ADWD in her Faceless Man arc, is because she CAN’T become a faceless man. Her heart won’t let her forget her identity. That’s also why she’s had so many other identities in the books. Her different identities are about survival as well. They’ve helped her survive. It’s not really about revenge, and killing, and white walkers. But it’s about her, having so many identities and finding her way back to her true identity. Finding her way back to being a Stark.

So yeah. Arya killing the NK so SIMPLY when there should’ve been more, is like a big fuck you to the books and what it stands for. It invalidates the books. The fact that the books hype up this war for the dawn and prophecy and the Others, and then it just ends after 1 episode? Like that’s it? The NK being killed so easily? The payoff was weak, and it hurts not only the book fans but the book and it’s characters in general. No Arya is not Azor Ahai reborn, or any prophisized savior. She is an assassin and the slayer of the Night King. But to make it even more utterly pointless, the NK doesn’t even exist in the books.

The episode was fun, tense and good! Arya killing the NK was hella badass. But... it just wasn’t A Song of Ice and Fire.

(Congrats if you made it to the end of my very, very, long essay! As always, debates are up and open! Feel free to counter-argue!) :)

[emma-nation]

For You - Bloodbound AU (Chapter 4)

Summary: Takes place after Book 1. Before Gaius’ return the gang must face a dangerous new enemy, a powerful vampire hunter who is thirsty for their blood.

Pairings: KamilahxMC

Genre: Angst/Adventure/Romance

Rating: T - Warning for violence and language

Author’s Notes:

- This is literally the first smut scene I’ve ever written in my life. I apologize if it sounds anything like this post.

- English is my second language, please forgive me for any mistakes.

- Hope you enjoy it, your reviews and likes are always appreciated.

- Updated 04/11/2020: Fixed some spelling mistakes

Amy

Amy paused the game she was playing and dropped the controller. She let out a sigh, wondering if the Shadow Den was where she really wanted to be right now. She wanted to return home. Return to Kamilah's penthouse. But not after the fight they had. Not after the words she said... "You're suffocating me," she shouted. "You don't give me any space, Amy." After getting staked, she started acting distant. She wouldn't tell Amy how she felt or how she was dealing with the situation. Although she said she was fine, Amy could detect she was distressed, maybe a little traumatized. 

Then, she noticed Kamilah had been sneaking out in the middle of the night for two days in a row. She decided to follow her girlfriend and found out she had been training with some members of her Clan. Not any training, but an intense, dangerous, kind of training. Amy had been staying with Lily in the Shadow Den since the earliest hours of the morning. Lily had developed her own life amongst vampires, she had new friends, new habits and she had just left to join Adrian in the Council Meeting. She was supposed to deliver him the footage from The Baron's club. Amy couldn't help feeling a little... excluded. She stood up from the couch and, against Lily and Jax's recommendations, she decided to explore the Shadow Den. She was distracted when a hand touched her shoulder. "Are you one of the volunteers?" A female vampire asked. "Because I'm starving!" Amy looked into her eyes and she could quickly identify signs of bloodlust. The woman’s fangs descended and she firmed the grip on Amy's shoulder. "No!" Amy tried to push her away. "Let me go..." She ignored Amy's appeal and her mouth approached her neck. "Stop!" Amy yelled. "I'll report you to the Council..." Someone appeared, pushing the woman away. "The lady said she does not consent," a male voice spoke. "You better find a willing volunteer or..." While the vampire came back to her senses and rushed away, Amy recognized that black haired male. It was the same guy who saved her from The Baron's thugs at that concert. "Hey," she smiled. "I know you." The male gave her an intrigued look. "You saved me the other day... at that concert, remember?" "Oh, you," a smirk appeared in the corner of his mouth. "Getting in trouble again, huh?" "Thank you for saving me. Twice," Amy extended her hand. "I'm Amy, by the way." "Liam," he shook her hand politely. "So you're a vampire," she concluded. "And so are you?" He pointed at the brand on her wrist. "Oh no... this is temporary. For protection." "Protection," he chuckled. "Well, you definitely need it, Amy." He put emphasis on her name, examining her from head to toes. It was the first time Amy could clearly see him. He was more handsome than she had noticed the other night. He had the prettiest brown eyes she had ever seen, they were quite hypnotizing...

“But they’re not prettier than Kamilah's!” Amy though, shaking her head and coming back to reality.

"What?" he asked, smiling. Liam also had a contagious smile. She blushed a little bit. "S-sorry... I just... My mind is somewhere else right now." "Where? In the clouds?" "Sort of. At someone... my girlfriend. We had the most heated argument last night and... I don't know what to do." "Let me guess, you date a vampire." "How do you know?" "You're easy to read and... you seem to be very comfortable in the company of them." "I'm kinda used right now, I guess. My girlfriend is a vampire, my boss is vampire, my best friend is a vampire, so..." There was an uncomfortable silence between them. Amy bit her lip nervously. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Liam asked. "Your girlfriend, I mean." "We barely know each other." "Well, I'm a good listener." "Okay." Amy nodded in agreement. "Let me grab my purse and we can take walk." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kamilah

"She's testing me!" Kamilah complained, pacing angrily around Raines Corporation lobby. She had tried to call Amy a million times. Not really, a million. But at least a hundred. She knew she was with Lily, there's no other place she could be. A few minutes earlier Lily passed by and Kamilah confronted her. Although she denied she was with Amy, Kamilah knew she was lying. "Kamilah," Adrian opened the door to call her. "We're getting started." She rolled her eyes and entered the conference room. Priya, Lester and Jax were already seated. Adrian inserted a disk on his laptop, displaying the image on a large screen. A few days before, The Baron's new club had been attacked by The Hunter, killing most of his clan members and possibly himself. "We finally managed to get some footage of this Hunter," Adrian announced. "Now we can see his face, it'll be easier to catch him." He clicked play. Kamilah crossed her arms to watch. She didn't expect much from this Hunter. It was probably just a newly-turned vampire trying to get attention. He couldn't be so strong as Priya described. "I see nothing," she said. A couple of seconds later, a vulture streaked at every corner of the recently rebuilt club, leaving a trail of death and ashes. The only thing that could be seen was his flickering daggers, cutting everything on his way. The video ended. "Really, Adrian?" Priya whined. "Is that all you've got?" "Where's his face?" Jax inquired. "I-I... suppose he's too fast to be caught on camera." "Oh please," Kamilah rolled her eyes, "he knew exactly what he was doing. Can't you see? He found out about your little cameras and decided to put on a show." "Kamilah is right," Priya added, "he can be quite of an exhibitionist when it comes to his skills." "Don't we have footage from The Baron's office?" Lester asked. "No," Adrian answered. "The Baron refused to have cameras installed on his office, unfortunately." He turned off the laptop frustrated. "I'll send it back to Lily for analysis. Maybe she can find any minor detail that could help us to identify him." With a loud noise, the conference room's door opened. "There's no need," The Baron entered, alone. "I know who's behind this worm." "You escaped?" Priya asked, with some disappointment. "Damn, I was hoping to get that club..." "Didn't you notice anything on this stupid footage?" The Baron questioned. "The way he fights, his sarcasm, his cockiness..." he clenched his fists in anger. "Doesn't it remind you of someone?" He gazed straight at Kamilah's direction. "What are you insinuating?" She shouted. "That he's a member of your clan... a protégé maybe..." "In case you don't remember, I got staked." "Exactly. The Hunters killed twelve vampires and they only missed your heart. Isn't it a little bit weird?" "And for what purpose I'd hire a Vampire Hunter?" Kamilah argued. "At his command," The Baron replied. "Gaius. We all know what's your story with him. It's a coincidence that at the same time he returns, this Vampire Hunter appears, fighting exactly like you?" "He does not fight like me!" Kamilah raised her voice. "Our style is completely different... Adrian play that video again!" "There's no need. Deep down you know it's true." "And what do you suggest?" "An investigation." "Okay..." Kamilah consented. "Who's in favor of an investigation against me say aye. Adrian?" "Nay," Adrian answered. "Jax?" "Nay." "Lester?" "Aye." "Baron?" "Aye" "Priya?" Priya didn't answer. She was thoughtful, distracted. Her head cocked to the side, her brows furrowed. "Priya?!" Kamilah asked again. "Oh! That's me. Nay, aye... whatever..." Kamilah rolled her eyes. "Okay, aye then." "I know I don't really have a say in this," Kamilah spoke, "but to clear my name I'm also voting aye." After the meeting ended, Adrian called her to his office. He asked her to seat and offered her a drink. "You don't really have to do this." "I want to. I just... I fear he's setting me up for revenge" "Don't worry," Adrian assured her. "We'll solve this. We're going to find this Hunter and we'll prove your innocence." "Thank you," Kamilah filled her glass with more whiskey. "You look stressed, is there anything else going on?" "No." "Kamilah..." "Okay, it's Amy. We had a fight and she has been ignoring me. I don't even know where she is!" "What was the fight about this time?" Kamilah told him everything. About how she had started an intense training program with her clan members. They needed to be prepared for an eventual confrontation with the Hunter and with Gaius, in the future. And about how Amy was acting too overprotective since her incident, even though her she was perfectly fine. "She interrupted the training session and yelled at me, in front of my clan members," Kamilah told. "She looks at me like if I was about to break and this is exactly what I didn't want!" "Kamilah, have you put yourself in her place?" Adrian asked. "It was traumatizing for her. You could've died, in her arms." "I know... I'd probably act the same if something had happened to her. But I'm a vampire, she needs to understand..." "First of all, she see you as her girlfriend and she cares about you, about your safety." Kamilah rolled her eyes. "I really don't know how to do this... this... girlfriend thing." Adrian laughed, shaking his head. "Don't laugh, okay? Now I need to find a way to apologize and I don't even know how." "I think I have an idea." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amy

Resting her body on the sand, Amy observed the night sky. It was quiet, peaceful, all she could hear was the sound of the waves and... Liam's laugh. "Let me see if I understand," he broke the silence, "you showed up at her training session and scolded her in front of her clan members. Like a mom." "I shouldn't have told you. You must be thinking I'm young and stupid," Amy lamented. "And so is she." "I don't think you're stupid, but... you're dating a vampire. You can't treat her like a regular mortal." "How am I supposed to treat her then? Like if I didn't care? Should I just let her risk her life again?" She stood up and raised her voice. "Amy," Liam said patiently, sitting in front of the bonfire they made, "she has probably had more near-death incidents in her life than you can count on your fingers. It's normal for us, vampires. We're always living in danger." "Not like this one," Amy argued. "she told me." "Fine. Assuming it was the closest to death she has ever been... she's feeling it. We feel everything intensified. It's impossible to measure, impossible to describe. There's a hurricane inside her and she can't simply explain this to you so... she needs to blow off her steam somehow." Amy remained silent, pensive. "And you know, we're very fond of combat," he added. "So this is why she was training so hard? To ease her emotions?" "It's possible." "And... this is what she meant with needing some space?" "Likely." Amy sighed, looking at the ocean. Maybe she over-exaggerated with Kamilah. She turned her eyes to Liam, who was playing with the fire. He drove her to the beach on his motorcycle, assuring her that was the best place to clear her head. And he was right, she felt a lot better right now. He was intriguing, mysterious. Amy told Liam a lot about herself, sharing details about her personal life, but she couldn't find out much about him. Except that he was a prisoner to his maker and that he had to runaway. "How old are you?" Amy asked, changing the subject. "I lost the count," Liam told. "Have you ever heard about..." she hesitated for a moment, "a vampire named Gaius?" For the first time Liam stared her directly in the eyes. His mouth stiffened. "Y-yes." "I heard he was very powerful and dangerous and... I keep having this visions about him." "What kind of visions?" He suddenly seemed interested again. "About his past. My friends' past too," Amy explained. "Two nights ago, for example, I remembered this vision I had of when he arrived in New York City. A man named Banner he was tired of serving him so... Gaius tortured him and then..." "And then?" "Sorry, I don't want to talk about it."

She was still uncomfortable with Adrian’s behavior in that vision.

"It's fine, Amy," Liam assured her. "But you know, these visions usually have a purpose." "What kind of purpose?" "I don't know," he shrugged. "You'll need to find out by yourself." "I'm confused and scared." "You don't have to be," he patted her gently on the shoulder, "I'm pretty sure the person who's calling you every five minutes will be by your side." He pointed at her purse. Her phone wouldn't stopped vibrating since they arrived to the beach. "Stop ignoring her," he suggested. "Remember, we feel everything intensified. Even rejection." Amy grinned. "You've tortured her enough." "Okay, let's go home." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kamilah

"Hey this is Amy, leave a message after the..." "Voice mail again?!" Kamilah sighed in frustration. At least Amy had turned on her phone, a good sign that she was alive. As Adrian suggested, she prepared a special dinner for Amy. But it was almost 2 AM and no signs of her yet.

After storing the food back in the fridge, Kamilah called Lily again. She didn't know where she was. Amy only left a note saying she was going to take a walk with a friend. She didn't have many friends in New York, Kamilah knew. This thought started to bother her little. She heard the door opening, for her relief, it was Amy. "Amy," she tried to hide a smile. "Where were you? I've been calling you for hours." "Giving you some space," Amy answered, "was it enough or..." "I suppose I deserve it. I won't blame you if you want..." "If I want..." Amy approached her, wrapping her arms around her neck. "To do this?" She pressed her lips on hers, kissing her softly. Kamilah pulled away when she smelled the scent of male perfume on her clothes. "It seems like you had company." "Yeah, I was out with a friend..." Amy told, knowing her jealous nature. "Male friend," Kamilah whined. "Actually he made me realize a few things about us. He enlightened me about my behavior last night." "I still don't find it pleasant that you were in the company of someone else." Amy let out a laugh. "Kamilah, I don't care about any another company, only yours. I love you, okay?" She couldn't help smiling when she heard those words. She pulled Amy for another kiss. More deeply and passionate this time. She nibbled Amy’s earlobe and whispered seductively: "Prove it." "Like this?" Amy bit Kamilah's lower lip in a provocative manner. "More than that." "Okay," Amy grabbed her hand, leading her to their bedroom. They occasionally stopped in the middle of the way to exchange frenzied kisses, while their hands explored each other's body. Inside the room, Kamilah laid on the bed and Amy undressed her. She pulled Amy closer, kissing her fiercely. "Say it again," she ordered. "I love you," "I haven't convinced me yet. Prove it." Amy's mouth met hers again, her fingers traced every inch of Kamilah's toned abdomen, before finding its way between her tights. "Hmmm... Would you like some space right now or...?" Amy stopped for a second and teased. "Don't you even dare..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Liam

He took a sip of his drink, waiting patiently in the night club. It was a good night. Amy hadn't told him much about the Council and its members but, at least, he managed to find out her girlfriend was the one that killed Henrik. She was the opponent he was looking for. That girl’s company was also enjoyable, he felt some kind of connection, sympathy for her. He observed her number on his cell phone screen. He needed to keep contact. He needed to gain her trust to learn more about her visions of Gaius. "Hmmm, new woman to play with?" A hand with sharp nails touched his shoulder. "It's none of your business," he hid his cellphone from Priya. She sat by his side and ordered a drink at the bar. "Why did you choose a nightclub for our meeting?" Priya asked. "Are you afraid?" He smirked. "Let's just say it's for safety reasons. To prevent us from stabbing each other." "I'm glad to know I've caused such an impact." "Don't be so cocky, I just don't wanna kill you yet. So, what do you have for me?" "About Gaius, nothing." "Then why you agreed to meet me?" She handed him a piece of paper. "I suppose she has exactly what you need." "Ahmanet Financial," he read. "Do I look like I need money?" "No, but the CEO is the oldest member of the Council. She also used to be Gaius' Queen and according to rumors, she know where he is." "Okay," Liam grinned. "I'll have a word with her."

[tcshearts]

Session 1 (the Hunt), Chapter 1 - Phoenix

Content Warning: Death, PTSD

“Fuck this.” I mutter under my breath, bouncing my pencil against my knee. “I’m done studying for today.”

I slam my book shut and grumble. History is bad enough when it’s just boring, but when it’s boring and inaccurate it’s insufferable. Everyone gets it wrong, but they all think they have it right. I guess history truly is written by the victors. I know I sound bitter, but you would be too if you had to read a textbook about how your entire family was murdered by a psychopath.

I go to my dresser and pull open the bottom drawer, pushing aside some sweats and shorts to reveal a false bottom. I push on it slightly and lift it up just enough so I can grab what’s inside. I pull out a modified gas mask, painted and thinned out slightly, a deep black cloak and a cheap cell phone. The phone is a burner that I should probably get around to replacing soon, while the mask and cloak are just so I can conceal my identity without having to transcend sooner than I absolutely must.

I shove the mask and cloak into my backpack and put my password into the phone, opening the texting app and clicking on the group chat at the very top of the app. I quickly type a message and pace around my tiny dorm room waiting anxiously for a notification. Finally, a reply comes.

  Me: Need to blow off steam. Anyone up for sparring?

  Chimera: I would love to, but I have homework. Sorry, Phe…

  Me: No worries.

I sigh and angrily toss my phone onto my bed. I need to get out of this dorm in the worst way, and I don’t want to have to go looking for a petty criminal just to clear my head. I feel my rage swelling within me, begging me, ordering me even, to transcend. To transform from the simple, quiet Rachel into the powerful and confident Phoenix. To burn the book and the person who wrote it to the ground. I try to push these thoughts to the back of my mind, I take one breath, then another, then a third, feeling the anger subside just slightly. I glance out the window at my school’s courtyard. I swear, sometimes Archduke Valentin’s Boarding School seems more like a prison, but it’s allegedly the best school money can buy.

I look out at the courtyard, standing still and empty, a few lights from lampposts in the courtyard provide the faint light in the winter evening. There’s no snow, if there were things might actually look cheery. Everything feels cold and still, everything feels dead. The city has no life or substance, the city feels abandoned on nights like this. People certainly aren’t my favorite thing, but a dead, empty city isn’t better.

I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the window, shrugging. I’m about as plain and unassuming as possible, nobody would ever guess that I’m a superhero when I’m not at school, and if they did, I’m pretty sure Phoenix would be the last person they assumed I was. I look at my face, I have relatively average features, a small slightly upturned nose with chapped lips and dull brown eyes beneath small glasses. My cheeks are fairly pale and my whole face tends to lack color, I’m light skinned so that isn’t a huge surprise, but I lack the rosy cheeks or colorful eyes that some people have. I look at my hair, long, straight, and dirty blonde, it sits at the middle of my back. I don’t usually like to put my hair up and today is no exception. I’ve been lucky enough to have fairly low-maintenance hair, which is one of the few blessings I try to be thankful for. I look down at my clothes, a plain black tee shirt, and blue jeans. I’m just thankful that it’s still the weekend and I don’t have to put on that awful uniform until tomorrow.

I’m pulled out of my self-analysis by another notification from my burner phone.

  Dragon: sure

  Dragon: in 20

  Dragon: where

  Me: Roof of the old bank?

  Dragon: cool

I roll my eyes slightly at Dragon’s texts. I struggle to understand how someone as intelligent as her, whose power is literally fueled by her own intelligence, texts in the jumbled, punctuation-free way she does. She’s mentioned a few times that it saves her a few seconds and she’s usually distracted with her work when she’s texting, but it just seems unusual to me. I brush it off and breath a sigh of relief, grabbing my bag, leaving the room and eventually, the school.

I walk a few blocks until I hit a park that’s fairly dense with trees. I double check to make sure I’m not being followed and that nobody happens to be idly watching me and am relieved to be totally alone. I duck behind a tree and quickly pull my glasses off, put them in their case and tuck them in my bag. I don’t have to take them off to wear my mask, but it’s certainly more comfortable. I only really need the glasses to read anyway, my vision is a little worse without them, but I can manage walking a few blocks. I pull the mask on and secure the strap around my head, making sure I can see somewhat clearly out of the paint-stained lenses. Once I’m at least somewhat satisfied with my mediocre and obscured vision. I pull the cloak out of my backpack and pull it over my shoulders, struggling a little to get it over the hose of the mask. I pull the hood up, double and triple checking that all my hair is covered by the black hood. I sling the backpack back over my shoulders and continue my walk towards the old bank. It would be much easier to just transcend and fly there, but not only would it waste energy for sparring, it would also probably cause a scene that I really don’t need right now.

I climb around the back of the old bank, a relic of about four years ago, just like the rest of the old town. This was where the remain great superheroes made a last stand against Archduke Valentin and his forces. Every single hero involved in that fight was killed and this ruined bank stands as a monument to their failure. The bank was an unusual place to fight, but it’s where the heroes got pushed to and cornered. Patriot, the last to fall, managed to kill three villains by himself before he was finally killed. They were all burned in corpse piles by Valentin’s regime, their names have been all but scrubbed from the history books.

I find the old rickety fire escape as best I can with my impaired vision and pull it down to me. I climb up to the top of the bank in a few seconds. I’m surprised this fire escape hasn’t totally broken based on how rickety it is, but for some reason, it’s hanging in there. There’s probably a metaphor for what I’m doing in there somewhere, but fuck that.

I stand on the top of the bank and wait for Dragon, she usually tends to be a few minutes late. If she doesn’t have her head in a book, she’s stumbled onto some old website that hasn’t be taken down or she’s working on some new machine or pill. The girl’s a genius, even without her powers upping her intelligence, but she does have a tendency to get lost in her projects.

As I’m waiting, I notice white flakes landing on the lenses of my mask, I jump back and raise my fists, ready to transcend. It takes me a few seconds until I register that it’s just snow and I finally let my guard down. I let out a staggered breath and hold out my hand as I let the snow fall onto it. It’s light, the first snow of winter, but all it does is add to the eerie haunted mood that resonates through this city. My thoughts are broken by a voice from behind me.

“You sure know how to pick places to hang out Phoenix.” I hear Dragon say, I jump back and tense up for a moment, but Dragon’s voice is distinct and easy to ground myself on.

“You shouldn’t sneak up on me you know. That’s a really good way to get burned.” I reply, only half meaning it.

“Oh please, like you could even start to melt through my scales.”

“So you do jokes now?”

“Why not? This place is thoroughly fucking creepy, so I might as well try to lighten the mood.”

“Welcome to Old Town, it’s not exactly pretty.”

“Fuck. I can’t believe they just left all this standing.”

“They want a reminder of what happens to rebels. I know a thing or two about that.” I touch my side gingerly, Dragon nods grimly at me.

“It still hurts?”

“Occasionally, not often and not nearly as bad as the first year.”

“That’s not good, could be nerve damage.”

“Of course it could, that’s all I fucking need.”

“I’m sorry, do you want to talk about something else?”

“We’re here to fight, let’s fucking fight.”

I turn my whole body to Dragon, getting a good look at her. She’s dressed in a white mask, a mix of rubber and metal that covers her face completely. She wears a light blue, nearly white cloak, similar in style to my black cloak.

“You sure you want to do this now? Wanna take a second to cool off first?”

“Nope. This is the only way I know how to do it.”

I channel the rage I feel, all the anger and hatred I have for Heatstroke for burning me so badly, for killing my family, for ruining my entire life. All the anger and hatred I have for the heroes who failed, and the villains who saw fit to end their lives for standing up for what they believed in. All the anger I have at this world that I can’t fight back against as Rachel. I feel the anger burn up in my chest and boil over, sending a burning sensation all through my body. I see flames appear from seemingly nowhere and wash over my arms, replacing the soft fabric of my cloak and tee shirt with hard black leather armor with a red accent and covering my bare hands with matching gloves a black emblem covered in red flame appears on the back of my gloves. The same changes occur for my chest, an emblem appearing on my leather chest piece. I feel the leather armor pushing up to protect my neck, covering it completely. I watch as my jeans are transformed into black leather pants with the same red accents and the same emblem on my belt. My boots transform into soft shoes, almost similar to that of a jester. They’re soft and flexible, incredibly easy to move and run in, I feel as if all of the skin beneath my armor is turning to pure flame, just wildfire contained in a human shape. I feel fire reforming my muscles, giving them a supernatural strength and agility, and giving them a muscle memory it would take years or decades to master. I feel my mask becoming a solid black face mask with a grey bar of metal along my eyes. The lenses of my mask disappear, and my eyes along with them, leaving empty black sockets visible through the metal of the mask. I’m blinded for half a second before two balls of fire replace my eyes, I can see through them with flawless vision, far better than my usual vision, even with glasses. I feel the straps of the mask solidify themselves and become nearly unbreakable. The final part of the transformation is my hair, the cloak burns off of my head in one fluid motion as my long, straight, dirty blond hair turns into bright red, curly hair made of pure fire. My curls fall effortlessly, slightly shorter and just to my shoulders. They don’t burn me, but they’d burn anyone who got remotely close to my hair. I stand still and take a few big breaths, feeling the power of The Cinder course through me.

I glance over at Dragon, watching as she starts to transcend. White scales, a mix of ice and chitin, begin to cover her arms, once they reach her hands they grow quickly and become sharp claws. The chitin continues to cover her chest and travel down her legs, turning her feet into similar claws to those on her hands. A large tail bursts forth from the base of her spine as two large wings start to grow from her back, growing to a full, impressive wingspan in a matter of seconds. The scales keep growing up her neck and within a few moments her mask is gone, replaced by a full draconic muzzle and snout, an impressive row of teeth clearly visible, even at a distance. Her eyes shift back and place themselves on the side of her face. Her cloak finally fades as the scales completely cover her and her hair disappears. As a human, she is a few inches shorter than my 5’7 frame, but now she’s well over eight feet tall. She nods at me and smirks, as well as she can as an icy reptile anyway.

“Alright, let’s do it then.” She bellows, her voice is slightly deeper and carries a guttural resonance.

“Gladly.” I say, assuming a fighting stance.

I charge forward at Dragon, taking a few steps before calling on my increased strength and agility to jump high into the air, using a jet of flame to propel myself higher. Dragon’s ready for me and flies up to intercept me, I let her get close enough to just barely touch me with her claws before I send a circle of flame out from my mid-section, blowing her back and giving me some space as I land back on the roof. Dragon recovers quickly and swoops down for me and I’m barely able to dodge out of the way. I generate my own wings of flame just under my arms and use them to soar after her. She goes higher, going into the clouds. I know that the higher I follow, the more of a disadvantage I’m at, but I need to keep the offensive pressure on her. I let out a few torrents of flame, firing blindly into the clouds.

I feel strong claws grab me from behind, forcing me down towards the ground with them. Dragon pushes me down to the roof and holds me there, pinning me.

“Too aggressive,” Dragon says. “In the air, I have the advantage. Force me down. Don’t let me dictate the terms of the fight. You’re the aggressor, you need to have the upper hand, otherwise, you’re just being reckless.”

I struggle against her, but without being able to move my hands it’s hard to get any fire going. I always have a way out of situations like this though. I take a deep breath and call on my ability to enter The Cinder State. I feel my body fade away, slipping from Dragon’s grasp. My body becomes little more than a hot wind as I disappear completely. I can’t feel anything, but I’m generally aware of where I am as I position myself behind Dragon. I would normally take a second or two to charge more flame against an opponent, but Dragon knows what my power can do, and I have to catch her before she’s ready.

I drop out of my cinder state and land on Dragon’s back, letting a blast of fire loose onto the top of her head. I pull back and unleash another torrent of flame, feeling the anger build inside me. I am so fucking tired of being held down, I am so fucking tired of being ruled by the people who killed my family, I am so fucking tired of knowing I’m going to die for nothing, I am so fuckin-

“Phoenix!” I hear Dragon call out and pull me from my anger fueled state. “I said I give up, three times.”

I look down at Dragon, she has scorch marks covering her head and back. She’s cowering behind a shield of ice and shaking out of pain, fear or anger, maybe a combination of the three. I get off Dragon’s back and take three deep breaths, feeling my anger burn off and dissipate.

“You lost control.” Dragon says.

“Yeah. I’m sorry.” I say, looking away.

“You could have really hurt me.”

“I know. It won’t happen again.”

“You need to keep your anger under control. What if you end up hurting someone or even killing them? Someone who doesn’t fucking deserve it.”

“That won’t happen. My power is fueled by anger, sometimes it can be hard to control, but I’m stronger than it. I control my anger, it doesn’t control me.”

“Usually I believe you, but you seem different today. Angrier, more aggressive.”

“It’s been a rough fucking week. I’m sorry.”

I take a seat on the rooftop and look over the ruins of Old Town. I sigh and let out a deep breath before de-transcending, sending my powers away and turning back into mundane, human Rachel. I check to ensure that my hood and mask are still secure and then look back at Dragon.

“I should have been better. I need to control my anger. I knew I was mad tonight and I shouldn’t have asked you here. I should know I couldn’t control myself. I’m sorry.” I say.

Dragon de-transcends herself and walks towards me, taking a seat next to me on the roof. She is silent for a moment before looking at me.

“I’m your friend you know. At least I try to be as much as I can. I don’t know who you are behind the mask, and I can respect that you don’t want me to, but I’d like to think we’re still friends. I can help you, I can be there for you. Just open up to me, please, tell me what’s wrong.”

I sigh and take a second to think, can I tell her what’s really bothering me? She knows I’m a Flamewake and that my entire family was killed, but if I tell her we’re about to study that in history, I’m going to show my hand and tell her exactly what year I’m in. Can I afford to have Dragon know that?

“It’s just, this sucks, you know? The world I grew up in so different from the one I live in now. When I was a kid everything seemed full of hope and life. Now everything just seems still and dead. I know, we lost and the Archduke gets his way, but it just sucks. Someone born just now, they have no idea what our world used to look like, but we had to watch our world fall apart and we couldn’t do a fucking thing about it.” I say, looking out across the old and dead horizon.

“I know. I’m sorry Phoenix. I didn’t have powers when the Archduke took over. My parents and I were separated a few years ago, they got on a train and… I never saw them again. The next thing I know, I’m being told that I have to attend a boarding school in Oru. I felt powerless and helpless, I wanted to fight, but it would still be almost a year until I was touched by Ienath and became Dragon. I can’t imagine what it was like having powers when the Archduke took over.”

“After the fight with Heatstroke, I was laid out pretty bad. I was taken in by a family friend to recover and by the time I felt well enough to fight again, we had already lost. I gave up the hero thing for a while, but I couldn’t just do nothing. I’m not going down without a fight.”

“Neither am I.”

There’s an awkward pause for just a moment as the snow falls onto our masks and hoods. I take a deep breath and drum my fingers on the edge of the roof.

“And… I’ve been forced to relive what happened to my family, again and again, almost every year at school.” I say, letting the words hang there for a minute.

“I’m… I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it? What really happened, not the version our history books tell us.” She asks.

“Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“As long as you want to tell it.”

“Okay, then settle in. I’ll tell you the whole thing.”

—

I cross my legs and close my eyes, trying to center myself. True rage never dissipates, especially not from a Flamewake, but if I’m going to stay in control while recounting this, I need to hold my anger back. I take three deep breaths and focus on the rage in my heart, calming it, spreading it through my limbs and into the ground. I take another deep breath and open my eyes, looking over at Dragon.

“I assume you know about Heatstroke. How he went to fight the Archduke with Nova, my mom. Nobody is totally sure what happened there, but all we know is that my mom died and Heatstroke came out of there changed and evil.” I start, quelling the building anger inside of me.

“Of course. It’s framed a little different now, but I remember the news reports.” She says.

“Well, Heatstroke went on the warpath, hurting and killing other heroes, stealing weapons, even executing civilians. My grandfather, Wildfire, could no longer ignore what he was doing and with the help of my cousin Bonfire and my uncle Fuego, who both had abilities that could track him, our whole family cornered him in a warehouse hideout. All forty-two living members of my family went to bring him to justice. I was the youngest, at twelve.”

“They let you come?”

“Yes. He killed my mom, they weren’t stopping me. My older brother, Blaze, he tried to talk me out of it, but I needed to be there. Anyway, we showed up at this warehouse and maybe twenty people came charging out of the building with guns and tire irons. They didn’t even get close before my family put them down. Nobody even got scratched. Bonfire, who could see heat signatures, was able to identify where he was in the building and we all headed there. Blaze tried to talk me into going home, but I didn’t listen.”

“Wait, I’m sorry, but, your cousin could see heat signatures? Just her? Don’t you all have the same powers?”

“No. Our benefactor is the same, The Cinder. They’re the spirit of fire and rage. But our powers are slightly different. Every member of my family is touched by The Cinder, either by birth or marriage. We all have the power to create and control fire, however, we all have a special unique power. My power is the ability to go into my ‘Cinder State’, where I can’t touch or be touched by anything and I can move unimpeded. Heatstroke has the ability to teleport through fire. Bonfire was born blind, when she transcended she could see via heat signatures. The Cinder saw fit to give her sight.”

“I see. Sorry, I just knew that both you and Heatstroke can both basically teleport, so I made an assumption.”

“I understand. Anyway, we followed Bonfire and she lead us right to him. He was waiting for us, on a fucking throne made out of pumice stone. My grandfather fought him for a while and the rest of us started acting on our plan. Those of us who were better at creating powerful fire, like me, started making it as fast as we could. Those of us who were better at controlling fire, like my brother, started calling all the fire to a central point, forming a massive fireball. My grandfather called the fire forth and covered Heatstroke in it. We had the idea that if we hit him hard enough, fast enough, he couldn’t teleport away. We were wrong. He was able to teleport as soon as the flame made contact. For a second, we thought we had won, but then the fireball started to turn black. Then my brother grabbed me and used his special power, an unbreakable shield of fire, to protect us just before it exploded. Almost half of my family was instantly turned to ash by the blast.”

I hesitate for a second, feeling the anger build in me again. Begging me to transcend and hunt him down, to get revenge for what he did. I let out a deep breath and try to regain my composure.

“The rest of them burned to death. Nobody even survived the blast except for my brother and I. He tried talking to us, Heatstroke, he told said he was ‘glad it was just us now.’ Zi-uh-Blaze tried to fight him. Heatstroke burned him half to death with a wave of his hand and turned his head to ash right in front of me. I tried to fight back, I told him to go fuck himself and used my power to get behind him and try to take him out, but he was ready and channeled my flame through himself and harmlessly into the ground. He hit me once, and I was down. He just had to slap me and I was down. He told me that ‘they’ wanted me alive, wanted one Flamewake to serve as a reminder. Then he… He grabbed my sides and held me in place while he called ash and flame to his hands and… well. He left me with a permanent reminder. He left me with these fucking burn scars running down the length of both my sides. Then he made me watch as he burned the corpses of my family to nothing but ash. Said he was doing me a favor. ‘If the medics and police could identify even one body, they’d figure out your civilian identity.’ to quote him exactly. Then he was gone, I was alone. The last Flamewake, laying on the ground and sobbing in pain. It took less than ten minutes for him to kill my entire family. I’m going to get my revenge.”

“I know.” Dragon says, placing a hand on my shoulder. “I’m going to help you. He’s going to pay.”

“He better.”

“Phoenix, do you ever worry you’re too close to this? That… that you are letting your desire for revenge get in the way of the mission?”

“Fuck no. I wasn’t gonna stay home then, and I sure as hell am not going to now. Besides, you and Chimera wouldn’t stand a chance without me.”

“We can get help, we’ll talk to Kitsune. if you could give her any secrets on your father she coul-”

“He is not my father!” I scream in her masked face. I stand up, letting out a deep breath and storming towards the fire escape.

“I’m sorry… Phoenix, I…” she says, looking at me sheepishly.

“He’s not my father. My father died with my mother the day they fought the Archduke. When he joined the Archduke’s regime, he stopped being my father. Is that clear?”

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“It’s… it’s okay. I just want to get this over with as soon as possible. I know I may be a little reckless, but I’m also one of the strongest ‘heroes’ still willing to fight. When we face Heatstroke, you’ll need me.”

“I know. The day we face him is coming. I’m this close to locating his base of operations. As soon as we do, this is over.”

“It’s never over.” I mutter.

We don’t say much for the rest of the night, we just watch the snow fall for a bit before silently going our separate ways. We don’t need to speak, the inevitably of our fate is something we both accepted a long time ago. That’s why we just focus on the next mission until we fail one. After that, well, after that there are no more missions.

We aren’t going to succeed, we both know it, but we aren’t going to go down quietly.

A/N: This chapter was originally posted on my website: https://darkhearts.art.blog/2018/09/11/session-1-chapter-1-phoenix/ If there is interest here, I’ll be transfering more of the story to my tumblr. Thanks so much for reading, if you liked it, leave a note or ask a question and let me know. That means a lot. 

[not-poignant]

Can I ask about your method of deciding your Spotify playlists for stories? Where do you look for songs? How do you decide which you want? How do you decide the order, esp for stories that have long arcs that you have yet to write? If a song has perfect lyrics, but the wrong mood, or vice-versa, would you still use it? What if a song perfectly fits a character, but you personally don't like to listen to it? Are the songs more for you as you write? (Sorry for so many questions!)

You don’t need to apologise for a lot of questions, anon! Anything that sort of enables me to ramble hugely is never a bad thing, heh. :D

Can I ask about your method of deciding your Spotify playlists for stories? Where do you look for songs?

...On Spotify. I mean I have like about 300 playlists, about 3,000 local tracks not actually on Spotify, and I’ve listened to easily over (actually I’m gonna go check last.fm to make this legit hang on) - okay so over the years I’ve listened to 15,000~ unique songs over 255,000 times, from 3,200~ different artists. I am what you would call an avid music listener who deliberately seeks and explores for new music (when I’m in the mood.)

This is actually a huge part of my life with Glen, who was at university doing film and journalism (I was at university doing media studies and mass communication and scriptwriting, and film analysis fell into that) and that was how we met. So like fifteen years later, and we have consumed an unbelievable amount of music both together and apart. Like, way back in the day, 15 years ago, I had to make sure my computer had a CD burner so I could make mix-tapes for the both of us like all the time (and he did the same), and they were constantly changing.

Generally speaking, before Spotify, I used to look for music via the ‘similar to’ section on Allmusic, and sometimes Pitchfork recommendations. These days Spotify does a lot of that which makes it super helpful (along with the Discovery weekly list and the Release Radar). I don’t look on places like Youtube. I also do a lot of ‘who is the lead singer of this band’ and finding them in Wikipedia, and then listening to their other projects. Or ‘who is the guitarist they sound talented’ and finding their other projects.

How do you decide which you want?

The most important thing actually is I need to be able to write while listening to it (which answers the last question), which means a lot of the harder shit I listen to (dubstep, clubstep, some of the indie rock, rock and emo) can’t actually go on story playlists. So even if I find great songs for characters, that doesn’t always mean I can set words to them. For example Gulvi’s playlist I think suits her as a character, but I can’t write while listening to it. So I’ll often listen to some of that before writing her, and then switch into a quieter playlist.

I mean I don’t make the playlists for others. It’s nice that other people can enjoy them but for the longest time they were all set on private until I realised people wanted to see/listen to them. I make them to help my ability to write, they’re not...intended to be shared in the same way that fanfiction or fiction is? Like they are shared, but if people don’t see the character in the playlist, that doesn’t bother me and I’d never change it, because it’s about how I feel/see that character and how I’ll write them or interact with them based on the music I’m listening to.

How do you decide the order, esp for stories that have long arcs that you have yet to write?

Usually by evolution/feel of what I’m aiming for, to a point. The playlists generally always end with the happier songs (unless I’ve added a bunch of new songs and haven’t set them in order yet, lmao), or songs indicating that love is being more freely expressed. Though that’s not universal. Sometimes the order of songs is even mildly spoilery, if a playlist - like Mikkel’s - is ending with songs about ‘he was a good man but now he’s gone’ - chances are high someone’s gonna die. Like the last song on Mikkel’s playlist is literally a song about how we all die in the end. It was a glaring spoiler for those who were looking for it. There are playlists like that for The Ice Plague too, which I’m like ‘haha, *laughs nervously* I’m sure glad no one has commented on these particular songs yet, they probably think they apply to like, past loss or something even though they’re at the end of the playlist...’

Like weirdly, depending on how you look at it, I’m probably boldest about story spoilers in my playlists. Because the songs are often arranged by story chronology or character growth chronology (which is convenient for me, I can listen to the beginning songs in the beginning, the end songs at the end).

In stories I haven’t written yet, it’s more aspirational, like ‘I think I’m headed in this direction.’ It’s actually an important part of playlist building, is finding songs that inspire growth or plot, and then locking those in to remember how I want the story to feel.

You can normally tell I’m feeling pretty serious about wanting to write a story if it has a playlist though. It’s not guaranteed that I’ll write it, but it bumps up the likelihood to like 90%.

If a song has perfect lyrics, but the wrong mood, or vice-versa, would you still use it?

No, because music is just as important as lyrics, and if it’s not right, it’ll jar me out of my writing zone. (Lyrics can make me like a song more, but not always). Likewise, sometimes songs that feel right but don’t have the right lyrics will make it onto the playlist. Though not always. Downtown by Majical Cloudz is a song that actually makes me think of a lot of my stories, but the lyrics are so obviously contemporary, that I’ve only put it on the new Detroit Become Human fic I’m going to write. I just sometimes sneak out of a character playlist and listen to it while writing, lmao.

Thankfully I literally have thousands of songs to choose from, so some songs not fitting isn’t a problem for me. In fact my biggest issue is normally ‘all ten of these songs suit, but I’m not going to use all ten right now.’ 

With the latest Detroit Become Human playlist, I wanted a certain kind of bluesy rock for some of Hank’s songs. And I have very strong ‘this song belongs to this character’ ‘this song belongs to this character’ feels (sometimes they belong to both characters, in which case you’ll find the same song on both playlists.)

What if a song perfectly fits a character, but you personally don't like to listen to it?

Then it won’t go on the playlist, with some exceptions - again, Gulvi’s features a lot of music I don’t normally listen to.

But yeah like...music and listening to music is a huge part of my life. This week alone I’ve listened to 161 songs, which actually isn’t a huge music week for me (a sign that I’ve been out of the house a lot lol with appts etc.) Though I did listen to Downtown 66 times in order to help me write the last chapter of The Ice Plague: Book One. (I’m not finished yet, but I’m much closer).

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

11 podcasts to listen to if you want to laugh your ass off

Life is hard. The news is stressful. And sometimes you just need a break from *gestures broadly at everything happening in the world right now.* .

Fortunately for anyone looking for a bit of escapism of the madness of everyday life, we have two words for you: comedy podcasts.

While there are heavy-hitter comedy shows like The Nerdist, Comedy Bang Bang, and WTF With Marc Maron, there are also a plethora of other podcasts that will help you digest what's happening in the world, expose the absurdity what's happening in the news and pop culture, and ultimately leave you in fits of laughter.

SEE ALSO: Here are 5 unrealistic things that happen in every romantic comedy

Some of these shows cover current events and some of them will give you (extremely dubious) advice, but no matter what, these 11 podcasts that will make you laugh your ass off.

1. My Dad Wrote A Porno

My Dad Wrote A Porno has a purely descriptive title: host Jaime Morton discovered that his dad had a secret hobby of writing erotica. So Morton did what any person would do: read it out loud and broadcast it to the world.

In addition to reading from his dad's book, Morton is joined by two friends — James Cooper and Alice Levine — who deconstruct what happens in each chapter, switching between hysterically laughing at some of the more absurd sections of the book to deadpan analysis of our protagonist Belinda Blumenthal and her adventures.

Tl;dr, it's very awkward and very NSFW podcast about what happens when you discover the sexual fantasy of your parents. How can you not laugh at that?!

(Author's note: This podcast literally had me cackling in the street while listening. Sorry to the Brooklynites that I scared with my sudden outbursts.)

Episode to start with: "The Job Interview"

2. Keep It

Crooked Media may have launched with a slew of politics shows, most notably Pod Save America, but if you're not listening to the network's pop culture show Keep It, you're truly missing out.

Hosted by journalist Ira Madison III, who is often joined by Kara Brown and Louis Virtel, the show is a weekly discussion podcast that breaks down what's happening in the entertainment world.

The title comes from Madison's Twitter catchphrase "keep it," which is the two-word clap back Madison uses to shut down the trash news that comes through his Twitter feed. But what makes the show especially good is the extreme amount of chemistry between the panelists as they provide pop culture analysis that's simultaneously thoughtful, brutal, and hilarious.

Episode to start with: They Cancel Roseannes, Don't They?

3. Baby-Sitters Club Club

Aaaaahhh remember the Baby-Sitters Club, that classic '80s and '90s children's book series about a group of babysitters who are just trying to earn a buck while also dealing with the challenges of growing up. Well, have you read those books again recently, as an adult?

Hosts Jack Sheppard and Tanner Greenring have, and wow, those books are nothing like you remember. 

Each week in The Baby-Sitters Club Club, Shepherd and Greenring read one of Ann M. Martin's classic novels, and deconstruct it. But what makes the show so hilarious are the many theories that Shepherd and Greenring generate about what's actually going on in the town of Stoneybrook. Is the Baby-Sitters Club marxist? And are the characters secretly in a parallel universe that's actually a beehive? Who knows, but after listening to this podcast, you won't be able to read The Baby-Sitters Club the same way again.

Episode to start with: Kristy's Great Idea

4. Judge John Hodgman

Sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and you just need a little bit of advice. And that's where Judge John Hodgman comes in.

In the podcast, comedian John Hodgman (who you may know as PC from those early aughts Mac vs. PC commercials) arbitrates the petty grievances that crop of in our day to day lives.

Whether he's deciding if a wife should be freed of her lifelong agreement to let her husband order the toppings of the pizzas they order or whether it's okay to meditate at work, Hodgman delivers very serious rulings to very absurd debates that'll leave you in stitches.

Episode to start with: Pizza Parley

5. Lovett or Leave It

Sometimes the best way to deal with news is to laugh at it, and for anyone who wants to poke fun at current events, there's Lovett or Leave It. Each week, host Jon Lovett is joined by comedians, journalists, and more to "deal with whatever bullshit came flying over the transom in our broken, insane political nightmare factory."

Episodes are recorded live in front of an audience and include a mixture of discussions, pop quizzes, and games, which means you'll be just as informed as you are entertained.

Episode to start with: Rudy Giuliani, Esquire

6. The Read

You know those conversations with your best friend that get crazy because you hold absolutely nothing back. That's exactly what The Read is.

The show is a pop culture podcast hosted by friends Kid Fury and Crissle. Each episode is composed of a few segments: "black excellence" (where the hosts shout out good news that's happening to the black community), "hot topics" (which is a discussion of what's happening in the pop culture), "listener letters" (where Kid Fury and Crissle give advice to people who write in), and the titular segment "the read" (where the hosts each rant about something that's weighing on their hearts).

But what makes the podcast so funny is that Kid Fury and Crissle will drag literally anything and everything. Passionate and irreverent, listening to The Read feels like hanging out with your friends.

 Episode to start with: Beychella

7. How Did This Get Made

Have you ever watched a movie that's so bad that you asked yourself "how the hell is this even real?!" If so, you're not alone because that is the exact subject of How Did This Get Made.

Each week, actors Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael, and Jason Mantzoukas watch movies that are so bad they're amazing and talk about it. And you know that feeling you get when you watch an objectively bad movie and just spend the entire time making fun of it with your friends. That's exactly what this podcast is, for 189 episodes and counting.

Episode to start with: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

8. All Fantasy Everything

You've heard of fantasy football. Maybe even fantasy The Bachelor and fantasy RuPaul's Drag Race. But have you heard about a fantasy breakfast food draft? Or a fantasy "Mike" draft (you know, who's the best person named Mike). 

Enter All Fantasy Everything. As the name implies, the show makes a fantasy drafts out of, well, everything. Then, host Ian Karmel along with a rotating cast of guests debate each topic until a champion is crowned.

Episodes are ridiculous, unexpected, and sure to make you laugh.

Episode to start with: Fictional Detectives

9. 2 Dope Queens

If you've ever wanted to see a comedy show but don't have the time to go in person, we have three words for you: 2 Dope Queens.

The show is part standup set, part discussion podcast hosted by comedians Phoebe Robinson and Jessica Williams. In each episode the duo talk about everything from online dating to the tiny house trend, which means conversations are always fun and varied. Additionally, episodes are recorded live, giving each discussion a performative flair that'll make you feel like you're carrying around a comedy club in your pocket as you listen. 

Episode to start with: Sitting Too Close to Queen Latifah

10. Dear Hank and John

If you're a human on the internet, you probably know John Green and Hank Green, the brother duo that helped shape the YouTube world with their vlog series The Vlog Brothers. And then by launching VidCon. And then with John's hit novels The Fault In Our Stars, Turtles All The Way Down, Looking For Alaska, and more.

But did you know that the duo also has a podcast too? And it's freaking hilarious.

Dear Hank and John is an advice podcast where Hank and John attempt to answer your most absurd questions, like "what are the rules of doctor-patient small talk" and "what do I do with 23 plastic molds of my teeth." In addition those bigger advice segments, the show is chock-full of jokes hiding everywhere from their intro where they announce "the elephant in the room" to phrase of the week where each brother is challenged to sneak a phrase recommended by a listener into their conversation without the other brother noticing, which means whether you're a new listener or an old fan, you'll still find something fresh and new in each episode.

Episode to start with: Eleven Peas

11. Thirst Aid Kit

Listen, we all thirst. It's human. It's natural. And it's the topic of writer Bim Adewunmi and Nicole Perkins' show Thirst Aid Kit. 

Thirst Aid Kit is a weekly about your love, sex, and your favorite celebrity boo thangs. The podcast is unapologetically filthy, as the hosts talk about your crushes, read fan-fiction, and in general, share the thirst that we all know and feel.

Episode to start with: We Learned to Spell Jake Gyllenhaal

WATCH: Here are some things you didn't know about "Super Troopers"

[cksmart-world]

The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

January 5, 2021

BILL GATES WANTS TO VACCINATE YOU

If you think George Orwell's “1984” was bad, you ain't seen nothin' yet. If you get vaccinated, here's what will happen: they will stick a needle in your arm and inject a micro-chip so that Bill Gates can follow you to the grocery store, the gym and even your secret lover's place. It will be almost as bad as Amazon.com. How do we know this? The Phantom Alliance, also known as the Deep State and the United Nations, invented the coronavirus. It doesn't really exist but a PR campaign by Gates, Jeff Bezos and Pee-wee Herman made some gullible fools think it did to the point where they actually died. Those bastards in Hollywood are in on it, too. What do you think the movies “Pandemic” and “Indoctrination” where all about. It gets a little complicated because although Covid 19 is totally fake, 5G will give it to you anyway. It's all over the internet. That guy who just blew up Nashville knew 5G was eating his brains. Don't believe anything in The New York Times or CNN. The only reliable sources of information are from people you've never heard of on the internet. If their real identities get out they'll be sent to San Francisco or forced on a cruise with George Soros and Hillary. They're all in on it, just ask Chris Stewart and Devin Nunes.

YES, THE FINGER IS FREE SPEECH

Although some have considered the middle finger a protected form of speech for decades �� and now more than ever — the matter hasn't been tested in courts, let alone by a high school cheerleader who posted on Snapchat. How far we've fallen — cheerleaders for god's sake?  A U.S. District Judge in Pennsylvania ruled that a sophomore in the Mahonoy School District could not be punished for flipping the bird with the caption: “ F--- school, f--- softball, f--- cheer and f--- everything” after she didn't make the varsity cheerleading team. Kinda reminds Wilson and the band of the 1969 hit by Country Joe and Fish that starts out like this: “Give us an F.” (They don't make songs like that anymore.) School officials were non-plussed — if not horrified — and tossed her off the junior varsity cheerleading squad. The plaintiff, identified only as B.F., appealed to the court saying her Snapchat posting was made off campus and was protected by the First Amendment. She won a “sweeping victory,” in the words of the New York Times and will get damages of $1. Let's hear it for fee speech! Ah but the fat school superintendent lady has yet to sing and has appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court based on the tried and true argument: “She can't do that!”

BURGESS BABY IS BANKRUPT IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

We're just damn lucky that Americans elect right-wingers to Congress, like Burgess “Baby” Owens. The Ohio native who beat Democrat incumbent Ben Adams, moved to Utah seven years ago. “HE IS UTAH,” his campaign boasted. Owens’ first act in Congress will be to vote against Electoral College results so that Donald Trump can remain in office despite losing the election. You see, Owens loves America, its Constitution and its bankruptcy laws. Between 1991 and 2009 he filed for bankruptcy five times. His net worth is said to be about $15 million. Hey, he does have a lot in common with the president. Owens authored two books: “Liberalism or How to Turn Good Men and Women into Whiners, Weenies and Wimps.” (We are not making this up.) Those weenies at Media Matters accused Owens of plagiarism in his 2018 book, “Why I Stand: From Freedom to the Killing Fields of Socialism.” Owens denies the claims. But Media Matters said this: “By Owens’ standard, someone could literally cut and paste his entire book and pass that off as their own work as long as there’s an endnote.” And Owens has embraced QAnon because Democrats are weenies and eat babies, which is un-American. Ain't it great, Burgess Baby IS UTAH!

Post script — Well, here we are in a brand new year and the staff here at Smart Bomb would like to raise a glass to all those who are trapped here with us. Just kidding —  2021 promises to be a brilliant year, according to economist, seer and revelator Paul Krugman. All that has to happen to make that possible, he says, is for Trump and Covid 19 to disappear like Jimmy Hoffa. Then it will be like springtime all over the world — daffodils will sprout, babies will stop crying and everyone can go to Applebee's for a half rack of double-glazed baby back ribs. Yes, it's the simple things that make life beautiful, like slipping Bailey's Irish Cream into your coffee at work, sneaking off with Mrs. Jones for a thang, or cheating on your taxes. (Donald Trump does it, why can't we.) Here are some other things to look forward to in 2021: Utah lawmakers will create the Utah Spaceforce Reserves to fight aliens; The Tribune will write about Real Housewives of Salt Lake City every single day; Sean Reyes and Phil Lyman will ride ATVs through protected wilderness looking for voting irregularities; Utah Democrats will come out of hiding but will not speak; and Chris Stewart and Devin Nunez will co-author a book called “Conspiracies Right Under Your Bed.”

Well Wilson, it's time to turn the page to a whole new chapter of Americana or at least see if we can renew our efforts to make this world a little better. So why don't you and guys in the band gird your loins and play something so we can march into the New Year:

Teachers keep on teachin' Preachers keep on preachin' World keep on turnin' Cause it won't be too long Oh no Lovers keep on lovin' Believers keep on believin' Sleepers just stop sleepin' Cause it won't be too long Oh no I'm so glad that he let me try it again Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then Gonna keep on tryin' Till I reach my highest ground...Whew!

(Higher Ground — Stevie Wonder)

PPS — During this difficult time for newspapers please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source, Salt Lake City Weekly, at PressBackers.com, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.