#the whole chapter is basically finished. its up to the internet now whether or not it drops all at once or not

[lunarrwolf]

mini series coming soon!!

since you guys got me over 300 followers, i held up my end of my own deal and was finally able to think up the first of a 100% written series (social media included only when needed to build the story).

there will only be two for now but i want to get the sykkuno series a good ways in before bringing in new content like this! i’ve been a writer since middle school and have major writer’s block for a book i’m working on rn so i’m really excited about writing an actual story for lunarrwolf! these are the banners, very tiny synopses, and sneak peek excerpts for DAYWALKER!s and Siren Woods

s.h warning: siren woods will not be for the faint of heart as it will be put in the category of a psychological thriller. it will contain suspense, fear(s), anxiety and/or mentions of depression, isolation and swearing

d.w!s warning: this is an apocalyptic world w/o zombies. it will contain violence, anxiety, entrapment, fear(s) and swearing

disclaimer: i will do my absolutely best not to treat either of these as if they were actual novels. i plan on putting in comedic lines and scenes to lower any thriller/horror vibes from the stories, and not too go too far to avoid truly triggering myself or anyone else. warnings will only be issued in chapters that are going to actually include one or more of above the above. but if anyone who reads them in the future have issues do not feel like you need to keep reading.

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DAYWALKER!s

a variety youtuber mini series

summary

ten creators find themselves amidst a city with an oddly familiar vibe, a weird yet intimidating apocalyptic appearance, and hundreds of strangers that feel the need to do nothing but fight their way through the city. even if that means to the death.

excerpt

“You’re all going to die, you know.. so you might as well give up now and let it take over.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

You blinked at the growl woven in with your friend’s deep voice, knowing for sure that if you were in an animation a sweat drop would be making its way down the side of your head. He hated confrontation more than anyone here but when it came to his friends, and being trapped in a place like this? Who knew what damage he would do to keep them safe.

The man ahead of the group did nothing but stand there with a mocking grin on his face. It was unnerving, and dare say almost bloodthirsty. There was no amount of sanity or free will from where you all stood just a couple of yards away, and just that thought alone chilled you to the core.

“Corpse.. maybe you shouldn’t.” You stated, stepping closer to him to lower the risk of the strange man hearing the second part. “I don’t like the looks of that guy even from over here. We’ve already had to deal with a ton of crazy shit since finding each other. We can’t risk losing our only real muscle of the group.”

Ignoring the offended voices of Sean and Ludwig, the man with the torn mask looked at you only when you put a hand on his shoulder. It took sharing glances and seeing head shakes from most of the others to have him loosen the fist his hand was already in. Standing up straight, you watched as he rolled his shoulders, jaw still clenched from the tension. Rae was taking advantage of the off putting interaction and explored the small area, so capturing everyone’s attention when Corpse relaxed a bit wasn’t hard. “It’s gonna be a tight fit but I think we can make it work.”

“Whoa.”

“Where did you learn how to hotwire a car?” Ethan questioned, being the first to make his way toward the beaten vehicle.

“Video games?” The brunette answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She hit the side of the driver door twice, motioning to the group. “Now get your asses in here before that guy decides to pull a Resident Evil zombie sprint on us.”

“Yes ma’am.” Sykkuno saluted, earning chuckles that were a rare sight since ending up here. The two of you didn’t waste time in calling the front seats beside Rae and Ethan, forcing everyone else to get in the back of the truck and make it work. No one could complain, though, seeing the circumstances you were all in.

It took a few seconds of revving the seemingly old engine before the machine began making its way. You could actually hear the ones in the back shift around to get in more comfortable positions for however long a ride it would be. The girl behind the wheel didn’t pay any mind to the stranger that watched her drive you all away, but you did. And even when he continued to shrink in distance and eventually disappeared, you knew his words would stay with you.

“You’re wasting your time! No one gets out of Mirror City!!”

Siren Woods

a variety youtuber mini series

summary

seven internet personalities find themselves in the middle of an old town myth as they take a break from their careers and head up towards a rural mountain area. among every spooky or jumpy experience with a horror game here and there, never did any of them think they’d end up in this situation.

excerpt

The fire crackled with a sense of release, almost as if this large flame represented the time everyone needed away from their jobs. After how crazy the media has become the past few weeks, you and your friends agreed that a trip towards a much lesser known area would do you all well. It was a teenagers on summer break scene where everyone was gathered around a campfire in the backyard of a lake house, telling stories to either amuse or scare each other. Seán and Ethan were the first to do so, tag teaming in a very dramatic reenactment of the first time they met in person, which of course had to be followed by your own scene with Y/F/N.

Time flew by and before you knew it, the sun was completely set and the darkest shade of navy possible was barely lit with a crescent moon and a few stars. The only real source of light was the fire, illuminating the six faces in an orange glow. Any laughter died down minutes ago, leaving a silence that was comfortable for everyone. “You guys want to hear a funny story?”

Squinting at the man sitting in the log across from you, you leaned forward, hands folded in your lap. “Funny haha or funny we might want to kill you after we hear it?”

“Uh..” Corpse met your gaze immediately, his mask somehow looking more eerie with the natural lighting. “Funny kind of hoping you won’t kill me, if I’m being honest.” He confirmed, leaning forward himself to warm up his hands while the rest of you debated on whether to let him tell it.

After a few minutes, and three overtaking two, he was allowed to do so. It was an old myth of the town you all resided in for the week; a Slenderman type of entity of the forest that the locals from dozens of years before chose to call Siren Head. The name stuck once old photos were found and set up in the small museum in the Common. He stood at forty feet tall, with two megaphones for heads and tangled wires for a torso. He had the ability to perfectly mimic broadcasts, conversations, sirens and screams, and had been said to only emit white noise if ever asleep. Speed nearly matched that of a cheetah and his strength was unbelievably high due to his size. Every sighting of said species had only been released by victims, and it was an urban tale that stood alive to this very day.

Rae was on the grass now, legs crossed one over the other as she tried to look at everyone at once. “Why the hell did we all come to a place called Siren Woods, then?!”

“Well.. the town looked really nice online, and it’s living up to that. And I thought siren meant more mermaid than a freaky Creepypasta-type thing.” Sykkuno could do nothing but respond with nerves showing through his face and every subtle movement of his body as he explained why he ended up agreeing with the destination.

“Yeah, I did too.” Y/F/N piped in, shrugging her innocence as you all began telling your sides. “Who doesn’t think of a mermaid when you hear the word siren?! That’s basically what they are.”

“I, for one, think we should find another place to stay.” Ethan spoke up.

Seán gaped at his longest friend in the group, “You don’t actually believe in that.”

“I’m not taking any chances, dude. Those people believe in that thing enough to build a whole section of the museum for it.”

You watched your friends go back and forth, some freaked out by the story but not believing it was real while the rest wanted to find a new vacation spot. “What do you think, Y/N?”

You turned to Corpse, blinking as the simple question processed in your mind. “I’m with Ethan on this.. even if that thing isn’t an actual being the belief here is hardcore.” Three faces lit up in relief while the roommate, Irishman, and faceless internet persona felt differently. “Let me finish..” you sighed, “Let’s stay another night but keep an extra cautious eye on Spencer and Luna. Animals have a sort of sixth sense, so if anything weird happens they’ll warn us. Deal?”

Y/F/N shared a glance with you, letting out a sigh of her own. “Suddenly I’m feeling a lot better that we brought our dogs instead of getting sitters.” She bent down to pet the canines laying between the logs, hoping if they did bark it would just be from a resident knocking on the door.

[fanfictionisliteraturetoo]

A Supernatural Christmas Carol (Chapter 1)

Series Summary: After a rough year, the reader is having a hard time doing anything besides work. When Dean encourages the reader to celebrate Christmas with Sam and him, the reader declines. After their disagreement, the reader retreats to her room. Throughout the night the reader is visited by four unexpected visitors. Will these visitors be able to help her have a change of heart before it’s too late?

Chapter One Summary: The reader is trying to find a new case, when Dean reminds her it’s Christmas Eve. The reader and Dean have a disagreement about whether or not they should take a break from hunting for the holidays. After their disagreement she returns to her room where she is visited by someone from her past.

Pairings: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Angst and character death (an OC, no main characters).

Word Count: 2,160+

A/N: This is loosely based on A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. I will be writing five chapters to follow the format of the book. This first part doesn’t have much Dean x Reader but the following four parts will. I’m hoping this series will be completed on Christmas Day. Wish me luck. Merry Christmas and Enjoy!

I sat in the war room on my laptop searching for a case, completely unaware that today was Christmas Eve. Earlier this year, I severely injured my left leg which didn’t allow me to do much hunting. On top of my physical injury, my heart was also injured. My sister joined a sinister coven of witches who used their magic for riches, success, and power. After months and months of not hearing from her, she finally reached out to me and asked to meet up. I immediately packed up and headed for Oklahoma where she claimed to be. Once I arrived the situation quickly turned south, and literally went up in flames. My sister was where she said she would be but she wasn’t who I thought she would be. Before I stopped hearing from her, we talked at least once a week. I attempted to keep her distant from my hunting life, to protect her. When she went missing I wasn’t sure if she was dead or alive. As soon as I saw her in that diner I knew something was off. The situation ended with her lighting the diner on fire in an attempt to throw me off her track, but in doing so she almost killed me. That’s when I knew my sister was gone. 

These injuries made it difficult to leave the bunker. I often felt stir crazy as I watched Sam and Dean come and go. In an attempt to be helpful, I crafted myself into the bunker’s personal caretaker. With my leg still on the mend I couldn’t do a lot of the heavy lifting but I did manage to do some basic chores along with lots of organizing. Between all the things the Men of Letters had collected, combined with things brought in by the Winchester’s, the bunker needed some serious assistance. However, most of my time was spent in the war room or the library, surrounded by lore books, my laptop, and my journal. I was now the team’s main case finder and researcher. I missed hunting and for now this was as close as I could get. I couldn’t help my sister, but I could help plenty of other people by helping the boys catch monsters.

Today felt no different than any other day. I got up early, made the boys’ breakfast, and started searching for cases. I was coming up dry and had been for days. I was just getting into some weird, but promising, internet pockets when Dean came in.

“Merry Christmas Eve (Y/N)!” Dean cheerfully greeted me as he entered the room.

“Eh it’s just another day” I muttered, as I continued to scroll through tabloids

“It’s just another day? (Y/N) it’s Christmas Eve! You can’t be serious?” He teased.

I had honestly forgotten about Christmas, and even with Dean reminding me I didn’t really care. Working was helping me feel like I was in control. After the year I had, what little control I could gain over my life I quickly took.

“I am Dean. We’re hunters, we don’t really have time for that sort of thing.” I replied, closing my laptop in defeat. I wasn’t going to get anything done at the moment.

“Exactly my point sweetheart,” Dean pulled up a chair beside me and sat down. “We’re hunters. Sometimes we need a little bit of normalcy to balance us out. Plus the holidays are a great excuse for pie!” He laughed.

I simply replied “You can have pie any day,” and stood up to collect my things. Perhaps I could find another spot to do my research.

“Why are you so tense?” Dean questioned, standing up with me.

“What else can I be, when I live in a world full of monsters?” I retorted. “Sure it’s Christmas Eve but people are still dying Dean. People are losing their sanity, their homes, and their family because of the evil that’s out there. The longer we sit here and play house, the more likely it is someone falls victim to another untimely death.” With that I grabbed my things, held them close to my chest, and headed for the exit.

“(Y/N)!” Dean grabbed my shoulder, turning me to face him. I could see his eyes glittering from the tears he was holding back. I knew I had hurt him, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I was not going to change my mind. There was too much at stake for me to worry about the holidays.

“Dean! You can celebrate Christmas if you want to, just leave me out of it.” I curtly replied, causing Dean’s hand to drop off my shoulder. I wanted to run to my room while I had the chance but I could tell he wasn’t done with this conversation yet.

“Listen, this job is hard (Y/N), but a lot of good comes from it. Every time we gank some douchebag the world is a slightly better place. I know that sometimes it feels like a never-ending battle, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. However, I also know how important it is to rest up occasionally so you don’t burn out. And on top of that I know that it’s important to open up to others, so that the darkness you fight daily doesn’t get bottled up, until you can’t handle it anymore,” He paused. “(Y/N) I know you’re trying to make up for the terrible year you’ve had, but you’re turning into someone I don’t recognize. I’m worried about you, hell we’re all worried about you! There’s no way for me to understand everything you’re going through, but I do know what it’s like to lose people. Please let me help you?” Dean’s words made my heart wrench. I couldn’t open up to him. It wouldn’t solve anything and it would cause me to lose focus.

Before Dean finished speaking, I heard Sam enter the room behind me. He must have been standing there for a while, unsure whether or not he should come in and join the conversation. Sam went immediately to Dean’s side and crossed his arms. Once Dean was finished, Sam spoke up.

“Dean’s right (Y/N), we are worried about you. We just want to help.” Sam delicately declared. 

For some reason what Sam said struck my nerves. Perhaps it was due to the thoughts of my sister plaguing my mind or perhaps it was due to something else. Deep down I knew both of them were trying to help. I knew that I shouldn’t lash out at them. Unfortunately for them, my anger and sadness overcame my logical thoughts.

“I didn’t ask either of you to be worried about me,” was all I could say. I turned around and briskly headed towards my room. I could feel Sam and Dean’s eyes on my back. The whole ordeal made my heart feel like it was in my throat. Breathing became difficult, and upon arriving to my room I quickly closed and locked my door. To my despair, I put my studies aside and dropped onto my bed. Of course I was disappointed in that interaction with the boys, but I couldn’t let that get in the way of my work. Once I caught my breath I sat up, went over to my desk, and dove back in.

Eventually, I came across a blog that claimed to be a dedicated witch tracking blog. Thoughts of my sister continued to consume me. I tried to read through the blog, but my mind would not focus. I turned off my laptop and set it aside, then bent down and picked up the Celtic legends book on my floor. Hoping that reading would pull my mind somewhere else, I opened the book to where I left off. For a few moments I was able to read without any problems but the words quickly became difficult to understand, just as the webpage had done. I reread the page in front of me a few times with no luck.

“Whatever,” I grumbled, placing the book down. I rubbed my temples in the hopes that I could get myself to focus on the task at hand. When I picked up the book again I was shocked by what I saw. The golden design on the cover had completely shifted its shape. I threw it down and scooted away, trying to observe it from afar. I blinked a few times but the image remained the same. The golden spirals now curled elegantly to form a portrait of my sister. I had used this book plenty of times before and it had never changed like this.

Even though she was made of golden swirls, she looked the same. Beautiful tresses of hair framing her face, full lips, and eyes that pierced the soul of whoever looked into them. I decided to scoot closer to investigate, my eyes fixed on the book, when suddenly the design was normal again.

To say I wasn’t frightened would be a lie. But I sat down anyway and tried to get back to work. I picked up the book and inspected it, half expecting the cover to change again. But there was nothing on either side. No image of my sister remained. The stress from fighting with Sam and Dean combined with the overall stress from this year was getting to me. I read for a while longer and somewhere along the way fell asleep at my desk. I started to wake up as a chill filled my room.

When I sat up to move to my bed, I could see my breath. This was not normal for the bunker and I started to get nervous. I shoved my hands under my mattress in search of my rock salt gun, but it was nowhere to be found. Just as I was about to call out for Dean, a figure appeared before me.

To my shock and horror, it was my sister. She looked similar to how I had seen her last, but instead of looking angry she looked sad and instead of being tangible she was transparent. I felt sick to my stomach and even though I wanted to scream, I couldn’t bring myself to say or do anything. I was paralyzed with fear and confusion.

“I really am here, in case you’re wondering. And yes, I am dead” She said while we observed each other from across the room.

“Um…sit down…sit down” I motioned towards my desk chair. She sat down across from me while I sat on my bed. “What happened? Why are you here?” I asked, still unsure if I was awake or if I was having another nightmare.

“What happened? Basically everything you said would happen.” She laughed. “The other witches felt threatened by me, then they plotted against me. Not only did they kill me, but they tethered my spirit to roam the earth. A spiritual ball and chain if you will. I haven’t been able to figure out how to get rid of it yet.” She explained. “But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to apologize to you and help you before I turn into a vengeful spirit. I know now that everything you did was to protect me, I just couldn’t see it at the time. I am so sorry (Y/N). I threw my life away. I don’t want you to secure the same fate as me.” I began to cry as she spoke. My sister had been dead to me for months, but now she was actually a spirit sitting across from me. What was I supposed to do with that?

“Sis…I am going to everything I can to find those witches….and I will find a way to unchain you,” I sobbed.

“Don’t worry about that right now. Like I said, that’s not why I came here (Y/N). I am not the only visitor you will have tonight. Three more spirits will come to you. They each have a message for you. If you do not listen to them, you will never be able to overcome the challenges that lie ahead. Starting at midnight and following one hour after the next, they will come to give you their messages.”

“Why can’t they come all at once? Who are they?” My heart was racing. Usually when I interacted with ghosts they were already at the vengeful stage. It was worrisome to me to deal with spirits in this way.

“Remember what I’ve said already. Don’t throw your life away. And Sis, I love you. Good luck.” And with that she stood up and backed away. I shot up and tried to chase after her, but I wasn’t fast enough. She was gone.

Whether if it was due to the fatigues of the day or the interaction with my ghostly sister, or how late it was, or most likely a combination of all of these things, I went straight to bed. I felt greatly disturbed but sleep overcame me quickly.

[lovelyrocker]

Love Is Blind Ch.24

~ RPF

~ Characters: Jensen Ackles, Lexi Ackles(OFC), Jared Padalecki, Jesse(OMC), Bethany(OFC), Dr. Turner(OFC)

~ Pairings: Jared x Lexi(Sorta,kinda)

~ Warnings: Talk of Suicide, Talk of Alcohol abuse and Drug abuse, Slight Smut, Angst(of course), Mental Health Situations, 

~ Word Count:7,288

~ Un Beta’d - All Mistakes are my Own

~ *FEEDBACK IS GOLD*

Love Is Blind Masterlist

<Previous Chapter

Lexi had been in the hospital for going on seventy two hours. Other than the four hours Jared had left to clean up and try to sleep, Jared didn’t leave Lexi’s side. Between the blood loss an overdose, alcohol poisoning and her heart stopping, her body was going to need more time to recover. When Lexi woke she’d worked herself into a panic attack in Jared’s arms. Out of fear of putting stress on her already delicate heart,the nurses came in and sedated her in a mess of of rushed apologies and greetings of relief and tears. 

Lexi’s anxiety took over the minute she saw the bandages on her wrists, giving her a short lived calmness of seeing Jared. The realization of what she had done smashed into her like an anvil. She was filled with sadness and regret that she’d been so stupid. She wanted to apologies but couldn’t speak. He throat was raw and every sound felt like needles. 

The next twenty four hours Lexi woke  underwent dozens of tests. Neurological, to make sure her brain function was normal. Physical, to see how she was about to function. But most importantly, psychiatric. She spoke with a Psychiatrist for a bit, not saying much. She was still groggy through most of it and her body hurting from being shocked after her heart stopped.

Lexi was sedated again, resting, while Jared and Jensen sat diligently at her bedside. “You’ve been here for a while. Go home and get some rest.” Jensen told Jared.

“I’m good.”

“Jare,”

“Jay, I’m fine.”

“Go home, see your kids, eat, sleep.” Jesen lifted a hand when Jared went to protest.  “Don’t even. Doctor said she’ll be out til the morning, at least.” He looked down at his watch. “It’s nine pm. Go. I got this for the night.”

“Promise me that you will call if she wakes up?”

“You know I will.” Jensen assure his friend.

~

It was eleven PM now. Jared stopped by Genevieve’s t see the kids for a bit, then swung by Danneel’s to say a quick hi and pick up a few things from Lexi’s  room he’d thought she’d like.

Jared sat in his bed with Lexi’s journal in his hands. Why did he take it from her room at Jensen’s? He remembered the day he gave it to her. It was in Jensen’s trailer a few days after her sixteenth birthday. He had searched for weeks but couldn't figure out what to get his best friend’s little sister. He’d seen her journaling on set one day and noticed she was nearing the end of the small notebook. So he looked at all  the nearest bookstores but never saw anything he thought she would like. They were either too small or too bulky. Too plain, to girly, nothing that fit her style or her personality. That’s when he took the internet and design her a journal. One she could add to, one she could carry with her easily. She’d never used another journal since. 

He tapped his thumb on the cover of the black leather debating whether or not he  wanted to read it. Did he have it in him to invade her privacy? Would he like what he would read?  Lexi was currently laying half sedated in a hospital bed with four inch cuts on both her wrists. Now was not the time for privacy. Now was the time to find out why. More so, what could he have done to stop her. He opened it to a random page and began reading.

 I woke up this morning and for a split second I didn’t hurt. Then I remembered I’m 2200 miles from Jared. That’s when the empty sinking feeling set in.

He swallowed hard and flipped a few pages over.

Today was another bad day. Jensen keeps trying to talk to me but after what he did, I don’t care what he has to say.

Jared stood placing the journal down and went to the kitchen. When he walked back into his room he had a glass and a fifth of whiskey. He had decided that if he was doing this he was gonna need some liquid courage. He turned the pages to the beginning and began again. He mostly flipped and skimmed through reading over the entries.  It was mostly school, work, college choices, school boys, friends, normal teenage things. The handwriting was  different. Softer more carefree. Then he scanned a page that made him pause. 

I have a big problem. I think I have a crush on Jared.

He gave a small smile and kept reading.

Very cliche’ I know! Little sister having a crust on her brothers bestie. But it’s weird, i’ve never looked at him like that until I moved to Vancouver and I have no idea why. 

Then again, how could I not have a crush on him? The man is fucking gorgeous! 

Jared gave chuckle and flipped a few more pages.

I think I’m losing my mind. No way in hell was Jared flirting with me, right? It's in my head, it has to be! He is like  16 - 17 years older than me. That's almost two decades!! But then he looks at me with those piercing eyes and I suddenly forget how even breath. And when he touches me, my whole fucking body is electric. 

Jared let out another chuckle. He knew she made him feel like that but didn’t know that so early on, she felt the same way. 

I’ve never thought a kiss would make my heart literally stop. I feel like that everytime he kisses me. That can’t be normal, right? And I know he wants to take things slow but God, I want him. I know he wants to respect Jensen and I know he is scared because he has WAY more experience. But when we have sex its something that Ive never felt before. Even when we had sex the first time it was so different from with Chris. 

Jared paused just seeing Chris’ name on the paper. 

With Chris it all seemed rushed. Like he couldn’t wait to fuck. It was all pulling and rough. More focused on what he wanted.  Jared was different. He was gentle and careful. I could tell he wanted me but he also wanted to feel me. He took his time and made me feel like I was everything. He still does.

Jared downed his drink and flipped through a few more pages stopping when he saw the handwriting change again.

I hate feeling like I can’t control my life! Every always know whats better for me. Jensen knew better when he made me and jared break up. Jared knew better when he told me to leave and basically forget about him. What about me? What about what i want?! At least chris gives me the benefit of the doubt. He gives me the chance to make up my own mind.

Jared looked at the date and saw it was about three months after she’d moved to L.A. She was diagnosed around this time. He could tell the differences in her handwriting. It was a tell tale sign of her moods and her ups and downs. Jared adjusted his position and several folded papers slide out of the folded back of her journal. 

Dear Jared, I'm above the clouds right now on my way to Austin. My chest aches because all I can think about is you. I know Jensen thinks he is doing the right thing but how can it be right if you and I are hurting this much? The main reason I guess i'm writing is to let you know I get it. I get why you told me to go

Jared swallowed hard pouring another glass of whiskey before finishing and moving on to another paper.

Dear Jared, 

Today didn’t hurt as much. I miss your text messages and phone calls. 

Dear Jared,

I finally got out of the house for a few hours today. It wasn;t bad. Went to a movie with some friends. I was missing you by the end of the night. No one to tell my night to.

Dear Jared,

Tom reminds me so much of you! Gen came by with the kids today and even though she looks at me like she wants to kill me, I’m happy I got to see the boys.

It was letter after letter that she wrote as if she would be having a conversation with him. This was how she coped with not having her best friend anymore. Even though she knew she probably would never mail a single letter, she still wrote and told Jared about her days. The letters went from almost daily to a few a week. Then every few weeks until she left for L.A. Then the handwriting changed again. 

Dear Jared,

L.A. is nice. I’m sure it would be better if you were here with me. I’m managing to deal with everything pretty well. 

Dear Jared, 

  I saw Chris today. He is doing well and getting help.

Dear Jared,

I want to tell you how much i’ve missed you, how much I still love you. I’ve thought of the day you;d be standing in front of me again so I could tell you. But when I saw you I was so mad!

Jared fought back a tear as he kept reading.

You were worried I would recent you for being with you but truth is I recent you for not being with me.

Jared swallowed hard as he flipped to another letter. He saw one dated the night before she hurt herself.

Dear Jared,

  I’m sorry. For being so mad at you. For pushing you away. For such a headcase and making things difficult. I wish things would have been different. That they could have been different. Maybe things were supposed to happen this way. I don’t know. All I do know is you were one of the best things to happen to me. And I want you to know that I love you and none of this is on you.

Always, Lexi

She was saying goodbye. He took another long sip from his glass emptying it. Jared flipped through another handful of of letters and a few more pages of her journal before getting up from his bed, dressing and heading back to the hospital.

~

The nurse walked into Lexi’s room at six am with an I.V. bag of fluids. She was quiet as she walked through the room as to not wake up Jensen who was sleeping on the small couch in the room, feet propped up on the edge and his head on the other, arms crossed over his chest.  And, Jared was on his side next to Lexi in her bed. His head nestled close to hers on the pillow, arm resting across her belly, hand on hers. 

The machine beeped and Jensen blinked awake looking over at the nurse.  “I’m sorry, sir.” The young nurse whispered.

“It’s fine.” Jensen whispered back sitting up the couch squeaking waking Jared.

Jared climbed out of Lexi’s bed and looked at the nurse. “Everything alright?’

“Yes, sir. Just hanging more fluids.” The nurse said to Jared as she pressed a code into the machine. “Her vitals are staying steady.” She told Jensen as he stood next to the bed. “I have a few papers that need signing. I have two contacts on her list?”

“That’d be me.” Jensen raised a hand.

She held the clipboard in her hands. “Which are you, Mr. Ackles or Mr. Padalecki?”

Jared and Jensen both looked at the nurse then to one another in surprise. “SHe has me as an emergency contact?” Jared questioned. 

“More than that.” She looked at the papers in front of her. “You’re Jared Padalecki?” Jared nodded. “You and Mr. Ackles are on a form stating that if anything happens to Ms. Ackles all legal and Medical decisions are to be made by the two of you.” She showed Jared and Jensen a copy of the legalized document. “How are you two related?”

“I’m the brother he’s her boytoy.” Jensen told the nurse casually. “Ma’am when was this document made?”The nurse pointed at a date. “That the year she moved to L.A., look Ellie even signed as a  witness.”

“You didn’t know about this?” Jensen asked him and Jared shook his head. “I’m sorry,” Jensen told the nurse. “What do I need to sign?”

“The first two. It’s consent to treatment for the neuro exams and the other is for billing.”

Jensen signed the papers and the nurse left then he shifted his attention to Jared. “You really didn’t know.”

Jared looked up from Lexi. “Not a clue.”  He gave her hand a squeeze. “She is always full of surprises.” 

“What time is it?” They heard a raspy mumble.

“Lexi?” Jared looked down to see her squirming in the bed. “Hey, baby girl.” He cooed.

“Can I get some water?” She asked trying to sit up

“No, no, don’t sit up.” Jared held up his hands.

“Don’t push yourself.” Jensen handed her a cup with a straw.

Lexi sipped the water and handed the cup to Jared who placed in on the small rolling tray. “How do you feel?” Jared asked. 

“Tired. Kinda groggy.” Her eyes focused on her hands in her lap, instant tears welling. “I’m so sorry,” Both men were at her side in an instant, arms wrapped around her tightly. “I didn’t, I-I just wanted the pain to stop.” She sobbed into Jensen’s chest.  “I couldn’t stop it. It was like I couldn’t breath, my chest was so tight and heavy.” Lexi wet on looking up at Jensen. “I felt like I was on autopilot and once I’d done it, it all just went away.”  She looked between them. “How could I be so stupid?” 

“You’re not stupid, you’re sick.” Jared pulled her close.

“Lex, why didn’t you tell us you were bipolar?” Her brother  took her hand.

“Things were calm and good. For the most part.” She wiped her eyes leaving her head on Jared’s shoulder.  

Two more days past and Lexi began to regain her strength, slowly. She managed to get by with no brain damage but suffered from headaches. Her heart was undamaged as well but the doctor still insisted she remain taking this as slow as possible.  Her mental health was a different story.

“Hey, Jay.” Lexi spoke gaining both Jared and Jensen’s attention. “When can I go home?”

Jensen sat on the edge of her bed and took a breath. “I kinda been wanting to talk to you about that.” He took Lexi’s hand in his and looked her in the eye. “I talked to the doctors and they think that you should go to a place to get some help.”

“You want to send me to a mental hospital?!” Lexi shot up in the bed.

“No, no.” Jared said quickly sitting on the opposite side of her. “It’s a treatment center-”

“You’re in on this, too?!” She looked at Jared horrified.

“Baby girl, listen to us.”Jared said calming her as he placed a hand to her cheek.her face. “It’s not a hospital. It’s a treatment center, kind of like a mental health rehab. The doctors want you to get back on the proper medication and dosages. For that to happen you need to be monitored for a few days or so.” She shook her head in protest as tears threatened to spill from her eyes. “We would never send you somewhere if we weren’t absolutely one hundred percent sure it was a good place and you would be taken care of and safe. It’s run by the same doctors that run the practice I go to. I wouldn’t trust you with just anyone, you know that.”

Lexi looked from Jared to Jensen knowing this wasn’t a discussion. “How long?”

“Two, Three weeks, at least.” Jensen said with a small exhale.

Lexi shut her eyes as a single tear escaped. “Where?” She asked swallowing hard as she looked back at them. 

“Like I said, here in Austin. We’d be able to visit you while in treatment.” Jared told her.

~

By the next afternoon she was being shown to her room at the Austin Recovery Center. It was the last place she wanted to be but she knew it was something she had to do. Her room held two beds and was plain. The building was on the outskirts and on several acres of beautiful full green pastures. In fact, the place reminded her of an old ranch, without all the animals. 

Lexi spent the first few days in her room trying to be okay with the fact that she was away from the people that kept her sane. She’d cry then she’d get angry then she’d cry again. 

Her new shrink, Dr. Turner, was a brunette woman that had a bubbly personality. Reminded Lexi of herself a few years ago. Dr. Turner suggested Lexi began taking Lithium again and wanted to make sure the dosage was correct. Three session with Dr. Turner a week along with group every day. Lexi didn’t like the idea of group too much. She didn’t like telling her therapist things much less an entire group of people she didn’t really know.

Which brings her to where she is today. A week and a half of being in treatment and she still hasn’t opened up much. In group she hasn’t opened up at all. So she sat quietly in her chair, knees up to her chest, listening as the other patience spoke.

“I wanna know why the new chick never talks.” Jesse, a young man, early twenties, long, dark brown layered hair nearly to his shoulders and light blue eyes spoke. “Do you think you’re better than us?”

“Not at all.” Lexi shifted her eyes to him but moved nothing else.

“She speaks!” Jesse said lifting his hands. “I was starting to thing you didn’t have a tongue or something.”

“I just don’t like talking to people I don’t know.” Lexi answered still not lifting her head.

“Well, you’ve been listening to us babble for over a week. Don't you think you know enough to share a little?” Jesse asked moving his dark hair away from his face.

“What do you want to know?”

“Is Lexi your real name or nickname?” A girl, Bathany, a bottle blond, very thin, asked across the circle.

“Nickname.”

“What’s your real name then?” Jesse asked.

“Alexia”

“That’s pretty, why change it?” He asked.

Lexi simply shrugged. “A nickname my brother gave.”

“Why are you in here?” Bethany asked again. “Aren’t you a model or some shit?”

“Language.” Dr. Turner, who was leading the group that day, spoke.

“I did model, yes.”

“Then, why are you in here?” The girl asked again. “Isn’t your brother like really famous, too?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“You say that like money and fame fixes shit.” Jesse said towards the other girl.

“For some people it would.” The girl spat. “So why are you here. You’ve been sitting in group for almost two week and said nothing. You never talk outside of group either.”

Lexi looked at Dr. Turned who nodded her head as a sign of motivation to speak. “I tried to kill myself.”

“How?” Jesse asked sitting forward, curious.

“I  drank a bottle of whiskey, took a handful of vicodin and slit my wrists.” 

“Damn, you really wanted to get the job done.” Bethany said with a grin.

“Okay, that’s enough for today.” the Doctor spoke.

Lexi sat on the grass looking out at the flower filled fields across the property. The wind was warm against her skin as she watched the birds fly.

“So, you care for company?” Jesse said walking up.

“Sure.” She looked up at him as he sat down next to her.

“What are you doing out here alone?” He asked looking at her.

“I like the view. Jesse, right?”

“Yeah.” He nodded looking at her carefully. 

“How are your cuts?” She asked pointing to his bandaged forearms.

“Better. You?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“You really tried to kill yourself?” He asked bluntly as Lexi gave him a nod. “How and why?”

“I told you in group.”

“That was a watered down version.” He told her.

“I drank a fifth of whiskey then walked over to my-�� She paused and corrected herself. “A friend’s house and took a handful of his pain pills. After sitting on the floor I took his razor and just cut.”

“Why?”

“I just didn’t want to feel anymore.” She looked at him. “The minute I heard my friend’s voice I knew I’d made a mistake but it was too late.” She took a breath. “Does that satisfy your curiosity. Is it enough info to run back and tell the little bitchy blonde in hopes of getting in her pants?”

“I-”

“I am not stupid. I learned how to read people years ago.” She turned her attention back to the field.

“Maybe I just changed my mind on that.” He was clearly intrigued.

“You’re not getting into my pants either.” She said with sass.

“Wow, you are a feisty one, aren’t you?” Jesse gave a cheeky grin.

“You have no idea.” A deep voice came from behind them.

Lexi turned to see Jared standing there with his hands in his pockets and a visitors tag clipped to his shirt. “Jared?” Lexi stood looking at him her heart began to race at the sight of him. The last time she saw him she was still in the hospital. “What are you doing here?! Oh, Jared this is Jesse, he is in my group. Jesse this is Jared-”

“The friend?” Jesse said with a smile looking at her. “Hey, nice to meet you.” Jesse extended his hand to Jared.

Jared shook his hand. “You too.”

“I’ll leave you two.” Jesse turned walking away.

Lexi turned to Jared and he gave a hesitant, nervous chuckle, clearing his throat. “Can I- can I hug you?”

“Of course!” She wrapped her arms around his shoulders.  “My God, I’m so happy to see you. I’ve missed you.” 

“I’ve missed you too.” He leaned his head on hers. He took a step back and looked at her. “You, you look good.”

“Liar,” She looked away trying to hide her redding cheeks. “I look like crap.” 

“Nonsense.” 

 “Come on, let’s sit.” She guided him to a bench.

“Seriously, you look great. Your cheeks are a perfect pink.” He said giving her cheek a small touch. “How do you feel?”

“Tired mostly. I have these really bad headaches. Doctors say it could be from my meds or from the trauma of all that happened.” She fiddled with her hands in her lap. . “I- I like the beard.”

“Yeah?” He ran his hand over his facial hair. “We finished filming like a week ago.”

“Ahh, so it’s hiatus beard time.” She said with a smile tucking her hair behind her ears.

Jared saw the bandaged on her wrist and gently took her hand. “Are you healing okay?”

“Yeah. They’re just itchy.” She looked up at him. “How about you? How are you with all of this?”

“I’m good.” He spoke and she gave him a look, a look he knew well. A look letting him know she didn’t believe him. One look and he gave in. “Alright, I lied. I’m worried about you.”

“I know.” She placed her hand upon his cheek. “But, you don't have to. I’m okay. I feel a lot better being on medicine again. It was adjusted to higher dose last week.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re sticking to the doctor’s instructions.”

“I should have never stopped taking my meds. I felt good. I figured I was better.”

“A lot of people do that. That’s why they tell you talk to a doctor before stopping your meds.” He placed his hand on hers. “Oh, Jay told me to tell you he misses you and you need to get your ass better so you can come home.”

“I’m actually surprised he wasn’t here with you.” She gripped his hand a bit. “He has been here every visitation day since I got here.”

“He called me and asked if I would like to come see you. I asked if he was coming but he said I could come just me.”

“Really?”

“I was just as surprised as you.” Jared told her.

 Lexi nodded. “I’m glad you came. So, Are the kids good?”

“Yeah. They actually ask about you a lot.”

“Awe, I miss them.” She smiled.

“Oh,” He pulled a few pictures out of his pocket. “I have something for you.”

It was all photos  of the kids playing at his place in Austin. “Oh, look at them!” She boasted. “They’ve gotten even bigger.” She said as she flipped through seeing different picks of Jared and Jensen with them as well as Danneel and Genevieve.

“Odette is starting to crawl.

“Is she?” Her eyes sparkled. “And the twins?”

“Are just like Jensen in every way.”

“Poor Danneel.” She giggled flipping through the pictures still. “It’s only been a few weeks but seems so much longer.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Here you go.” Lexi handed him the photos.

“Oh, no, those are yours to keep. I asked the doctor and she said it was okay.” He looked around and reached into his jacket pocket. “Actually. I have one more for you.” He handed her a picture of the two of them together from when they were together. 

Lexi looked at the picture of the two of them snuggled together outside by a fire. One of the few times they had gotten to be outside like that together. “This is one of my favorite pics of us.” 

“‘I know.”  He smiled down at her, the glimmer in her eyes filling his heart. “That’s why I brought it.”

“Thank you. It means a lot.”

The two hour visit went by a lot faster than they’d liked. We they hugged before he left, Jared held on a little longer, a little tighter than he needed. Just the feeling of having her in his arms, so warm and full of life. It’s what he needed after finding her cold and lifeless in his bathroom. Lexi could see in his eyes the longing he felt.

 Lexi sat in Dr. Turner’s office watching as the doctor settled into her position across from her. “So, you had a visitor today.” The doctor began. “Who was it?”

“Yeah, Jared.”

“How do you know Jared?”

“He’s a friend. Also my brother’s best friend.”

“Oh?” Lexi nodded. “Is that all?” The doctor challenged. “Just you and your brother’s friend?”  

“I don’t know what we are to be honest.” She said looking down at her hands as she picked the remaining nail polish off.

“Why is that?”

Lexi looked at her therapist and took an audible breath. “What I tell you can’t leave this room, right?” Lexi eyed her. 

“As long as you or anyone else isn’t in any danger, that’s correct.”

“So if I tell you some stuff that happened like two years ago, even though it’s not really bad but some people may not approve, you can’t say anything? Right?”

“Unless you’re hiding a dead body someplace, no.” Dr. Turner chuckled.

“Okay, um, Jared and I have… history.” She looked at the doctor. “Like romantic history.”

“I see. Why do you see that as a problem?” The doctor scribbled something down.

“Because I was a minor at the time. I - mean sorta but not really.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrow lifted.

“Not Like a kid, but I was seventeen the first time we slept together.” Lexi’s hands were sweaty as she rubbed them on the knees of her pants.

“How old was he?”

“Thirty two. And I know that sound really bad.”

“Lexi, why are you jumping to defend this to me? That’s legal.” The doctor asked as she wrote in her notebook again.

“Because,” She sighed with an eyeroll.  “I know what you’re thinking and what you want to say even though you can’t say it.”

“Is that so?” The doctor studied her for a moment. “Lexi, do people know about and Jared’s past?”

“A Handful of people.”

“Did they react unfavorable?”

“My brother threatened to have him thrown in jail for statutory rape.”

“You brother who is his best friend?” Dr. Turner added.

“Yeah. But that’s not the worst of it.” Lexi scoffed.

“I’m guessing the world wind love you told me about was Jared?” Lexi nodded. “Tell me What happened?”

“See, I was living with Jensen and Jared up in Vancouver where he worked. When he found out he made me move back down to Texas and forced us to cut all ties. When really hurt because Jared was my friend, he was my person, you know?” The doctor nodded. “And things just went south after that.”

“How so?”

“Well, first my sister-in -law Danneel through a party with Jared’s ex wife and Jared had to be there for support and all. That night we ended up sleeping together and the next day Jay found out. It was bad. That night Jared broke up with me for good.”

“That must have hurt you.” 

“It did.”

“When were you diagnosed?”

“A few months after I moved to L.A.” She watched as the doctor shook her head and wrote. “Why?”

“Lexi, can I be frank with you?”

“That’s kind of your job.”

Dr. Turned put her book down and leaned forward a bit. “When you’re symptoms began you were focused on Jared. That’s why you didn’t notice them. You were young and in love and it's easy to misplace the highs and lows.”

“So you’re saying, you’re saying I wasn’t in love I was sick?!” She looked at Dr. Turner neary horrified.

“No, no! That’s not what I'm saying! Not at all! I’m saying it seems to me, Jared kept you grounded. When you were forced to cut contact, you lost your anchor.”

“So you’re saying this is Jensen’s fault?” Lexi asked even more confused.

“I’m not saying that, either.” Dr. Turner held up a hand. “Do you feel like it’s Jensen’s fault?”

“No! I mean, I was mad at him at first but I understood and I’m over it now.” Lexi pushed her long, now auburn hair back from her face. “That was the first and only time I’d ever really been that angry at my brother. See, aside from Ellie, Jared was my best friend.”

 “And with Ellie off at college that left Jared. You began to go down and you had no one to catch you so you spiraled.” Dr. Turner” explained. “Lexi, tell me, when you hurt yourself, where were you?”

“Why?” She asked with a small shake of her head.

“You were at Jared’s?” The doctor saw the look of confusion growing on Lexi’s face. ‘Weren’t you?”

“How did yo-” Lexi shifted in her seat. “Uh, yeah, I, I to his house when he wasn’t home.”

 “Why?”

“Because I felt safe?” Lexi answered with no hesitation but paused, a look of extreme horror on her face and tears in her eyes. “And he, he found me.” 

“Did you want him to be the one that found you?”

“No, no, I just wanted to be somewhere I-I,” She quieted not being able to speak. The doctor saw her emotions flashing in her eyes as she recalled that day. “He sounded so far away but I could hear him screaming my name.” Her lip quivered as she spoke the sudden unexpected wave of emotions came down on her. “I could feel him grabbing me and begging me to wake up.” That’s when she broke. “Oh God, how could i do that to him? How could I let him find me like that?”

Dr. Turner moved  next to Lexi and held her. “Because you had no control at that point, it was your illness, not you.”

“He had crap he has to work through, too. How could I be that selfish?” Lexi looked up at her.

“Lexi, when you aren’t medicated and your illness takes control, it’s not you anymore. I’m sure he knows that. If he is as educated in mental health as you say, i’m sure he knows.”

Lexi’s mind was spinning. She’d always wanted to keep Jared safe. She never wanted to drag him into the mess she called a life. She felt as if she’d betrayed him. As if she let him down in the worst possible way.

That was the last time Lexi talked to Dr. Turner in recovery. That breakthrough was what Lexi needed to truly clear her head. She was released from the recovery center but wasn’t ready to be on her own yet in L.A. Although Ellie would be there, she felt she wasn’t at the point to be around all her old triggers. Since her mom and dad were traveling a lot due to her father’s work, Lexi opted to stay at Jensen’s instead of being home alone in Dallas. Lexi much preferred to be around family than alone in a huge house. Not to mention Jensen wouldn’t take no for an answer. 

Lexi would continue to see Dr. Turner in office one to two times per week and ground at least once a week. More if she felt she needed. Her group was similar to an A.A. group. Except instead of drinking the people were anxiety ridden. depressed self harmers. They even had sponsors of a type, “buddies”. Your buddy would depend on you in his/her times of need and vise versa. It gave them responsibility for their actions.

It had been two days since Jared was back in Austin having started filming again, and he still hadn’t contacted Lexi. So, being curious, that afternoon she made her way down the stone path along Lake Austin till she came up on Jared’s backyard. 

He was sitting in a wicker patio chair with his guitar in his lap. Lexi smiled as she walked up the path listening to him strum. Standing just feet away she stopped and watched him for a while. When he glanced up and saw her he stopped playing. “Lexi.” He placed the instrument down and stood. “What are you doing here?”

“I got home a few weeks ago.” She said with her hands in her back pockets. “I thought you would have stopped by when you got home the day before yesterday, but-”

“I was- I did..” Jared shoved his hands in his pockets. “I pulled in the drive but never got out of the car.”

“How come?”

“I didn’t know if I should. I didn’t want to mess up your recovery.” He admitted looking at his feet for a moment. “I’d only seen you the one time in treatment. I didn’t know if you-”

“If I’d be pissed at you now?” 

“Yeah.”

“So, you tell me you won’t push me away this time and you help me then completely disappear after I get released?” She waved a hand.

“You heard that?” He asked in disbelief. “You heard what I Said when you were unconscious?”

Nodding her head. “Most of it, yeah.” She took a step toward him. “Jared, can we talk?”

“Yeah. Come in, I’ll get you something to drink.” He motioned to the door as she followed him in. “Beer, soda, water?”

 “Water is good. I’m kind of staying away from alcohol for now.” 

 “Of course.” He shook his head in realization as he grabbed a water from the fridge. “I’m sorry, I-’

“It’s okay.” She smiled softly taking the bottle of water from him.

They sat in the living room, Jared making a mental note of her physical condition. Her cheeks held a pink tone again and her lips were back to their red shade. She seemed to have more charisma in her although she did have a cautious air about her.

Placing her bottle down she looked at Jared and raised her hand to his cheek for a brief second before grazing along his stubble. “You look good, Jare.” She told him with an exhale.

“Are you okay?”

“Jared, I came here to tell you how truly, unbelievably sorry I am.” Jared gave her a confused look. “I didn’t think about how finding me like that-” Taking a pause for a breath she looked up at him. “I’m so sorry I did that to you.” She tried to hold back the tears that insisted on rising.

“Don’t be.” He told her. “I’m not.”

“What? How could-”

“Because if I wouldn’t have found you then you wouldn’t have been here today. I rather deal with that then putting you in a casket, do you understand me?” He told her holding her face between his hands. “Listen to me.” He gained her eyes and focus. “I heard you. I heard you before the paramedics came in. You said you were sorry.” Tears threatened to rise in his eyes. “You said you wanted to take it back.”

“You could hear me?” Her voice a whimpered cry.

“Always.” He pressed his forehead to hers. “I’ll always hear you, baby girl.” Touching his lips to hers for a moment he pulled back and looked at her. “Lexi, I love you.”

“Jared,” She looked down finding it hard to concentrate or even breathe looking into his eyes. When she glanced back up his eyes drew her in. His touches, swift and calculated, felt like fire through her body when he touched her. “My God, I’ve missed you.” She whispered between sweet, simple kisses.

In a mess of pulling and grabbing, they traveled up the stared to his bedroom dropping clothes from the door to the bed. All Jared wanted was to be inside of her again. He needed it like he needed air to breath.

Sliding into her Lexi gripped his arms burying her face into the crook of his neck, the scent of him filling her, heating her already heated flesh. She tangled her fingers into his silky long hair giving a slight tug, her hips rising from the bed as Jared grinded into her never letting the bodies part. Sweat beaded his forehead as Lexi pushed away the hair from his eyes, his lips finding hers easily.

~

Now they lay in his bed with the hot Texas sun shining in through the balcony windows. Lexi sat up, the sheet still pressed against her body knees to her chest. Jared laid with an arm behind his head and his other stretch out caressing her bare back with his calloused fingers.

“What are you thinking?”He asked her.

She stared into the bathroom. “How stupid I was.” She looked back at him. “How much I’ve screwed up over the past few years.”

Jared leaned forward pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “Don’t apologize for being sick. That’s something you couldn’t control.” Lexi looked into his eyes and a pang of guilt hit her. “I miss this. You and me, being together.”

“Me too.”

“But Jared, I have to be honest with you.” She faced him. “I’m not supposed to get involved with anyone for a while.” Looking down she felt Jared’s fingertips grazing her bare arms. “It’s part of my therapy.”

Leaning back he looked up at her. “I know.” Her eyes darted to him. “Well, I didn;t know but I had a feeling it would be.”  He Cleared his throat shifting to the edge of the bed. “Listen, why don’t we get dressed and head downstairs.” He slid into his Saxx and grabbed his shorts. “I’ll meet you down there in a bit. Take your time.”

Lexi dressed quietly and made her way down stairs thoroughly confused. Rounding the kitchen she heard Jared talk and stopped just within ear shot. “Yeah, she’s okay.” She heard Jared say. “I promise I'll bring her back later.” Lexi took a step closer trying to see if she could hear who was on the other line. “Jay, i’ll keep her safe.” Jared turned and saw Lexi standing there. “I gotta go.” He pulled the phone from his ear and looked at her. “How much of that did you hear?”

“Were you telling him you just got done nailing his little sister?” She said hoisting herself up on the counter. 

“No, I wouldn’t-”

“It’s a joke, Jare.” She said with a smile. “So what was this? Just a quick hit before it's too late?” She eyed him. “What’s going on? If you knew I had conditions to my treatment why didn’t you stop what just happened?”

“Lex,” He grabbed her hand and pulled her from the counter and sat her in chair at the breakfast nook. “Listen, I need to tell you something.” He walked to a drawer and opened it. “I took your journal.” He held he worn book in his hand.

“Why?” She looked up from where she sat unsure what he was about to tell her. “Why would you do that>”

He placed the book on the table and sat next to her. “When you were sedated, I - I read it.”

Lexi looked down at her hands feeling her anxiety bubble to the surface. “You did?”

“And I found the letters.”

She stood from the table feeling mortified as she carefully pushed the chair beneath the table. “I should, um I should go.” 

“Wait, no.” He stepped closer to her and placed his hands on her arms.

 She backed away crossing her arms over her chest. “Please don’t.”

“I’m sorry.” He held up his hands. “I- I just, this isn’t going how I thought it in my head.” He huffed.

“You’re having conversations in your head but, I’m the one that just got out of the nut house.” She shook her head. “Hell of a match, aren’t we?” After everything her sarcasm remained.

He then ran a frustrated hand over his face. “Can I explain? Please?” He held out a hand for her to sit back down with him and she did. “I’m trying to tell you that I get it.” She gave another unsure expression. “I just,  I didn’t, I didn’t know I was, that you, ugh, damn it” He ran another frustrated hand over his face. “It was the same for me as it was for you.” He finally got the words out. “You kept me calmer, my anxiety was less, I felt like I could function on a whole new level when we were together. Even my bad days were good.” His confession poured out catching Lexi off guard. “I wanted to tell you that I know how it felt. It wasn’t just you. And, and being with you today, It was good to feel that again. Even if I know it won’t last.”

“Wow.” Lexi let the word out in an exhale. “I, uh, I think I should have went with that beer.” She chuckled.

“What? I, I mean, you’re not mad?” He asked astonished.

“Jared, if I was to trust my deepest more personal thoughts to anyone,” She reached taking his hand. “It’s you.”

Jared still held a guilty look. “I’m still sorry I invaded your privacy.”

“If you can forgive me for what I did, I certainly can forgive you for being so concerned.” Jared smiled at her and her heart fluttered. “Now what?”

“We focus on you getting better and know i’ll be here for whatever.”

“Jared you know I-”

“You don’t want me waiting for you, I know.” 

He kissed the back of her hands. “Just focus on you, okay?”

Next Chapter>

TAGS: @saxxxyjared @xostephanie @onethirstyunicorn @dreaminemz @squirrelnotsam​  @jbbarnesgirl @thevelvetseries​

[flyingcookierambles]

so i finished reading the northern caves

hey its a book ramble! after uuhhhhhh.. a year. anyways the northern caves! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/3659997/chapters/8088522)

i binged it in a whole day. and i have feelings. i think?

so ppl hyped it as a lovecraft-ish/otherworldly horror story and i think i got a bit sucked into that and let down a bit because to me the horror story wasn’t the implied dark magic connections the author had with uh. the Mundum. it was the unreliable narration and betrayal of friends. spoilers below!

so, if you’ve read the northern caves, you know what the Mundum is. it was just kinda introduced as some mystical thing in the universe that the author believed in. whether or not it was real was kinda left open ended i think.

if you for some reason haven’t read the northern caves (which will just be either the caves or tnc for typing speed’s sake), it’s about a group of online friends in a 2004 internet forum dedicated to a children’s book series called Chesscourt by Leonard Selby. the author died before he could publish his final book, The Northern Caves. thankfully, one of the ppl in the forums, metamarsh, is actually distantly related to the author, and in the event of leonard selby’s death and then marsh’s aunt’s death (i think she was selby’s sister or something), marsh’s family got all the belongings of leonard selby. all his journals, notes, and unpublished works left behind. TNC was one of them. marsh (or his aunt or some other relative) scanned the pages and released it online ig sometime before the story. and so the events of Spelunk 04! starts, in which the friend group of this forum plans an irl meet up at marsh’s house so they can go over the author’s belongings and try to make sense of tnc. tnc is, to put simply, a mess. there’s lucid parts and non-lucid parts, by which i mean that there’s entire pages of nonsense and also it’s mentioned that there are 3 entire pages that are just the letter “a.” this can easily be dismissed as the writings of a senile old man, until the revelation of the Mundum (mentioned above) comes up. 

then things so super wrong. 

so, the entire story is a “report” by a man on the forums named Paul. his handle is GlassWave. he is a person who went to Spelunk 04! and is part of the reason why the meeting went so wrong. around the part where the journals abt the Mundum come up, he totally gets into it. the narration around this part gets uh. kinda creepy. it also definitely doesnt help that there were drugs involved - adderall.

so uh. basically. paul and another guy, Arron/Errent Knight, get the Mundum. they dont understand why their friends dont understand it. the solution according to paul? put adderall into the coffee and stay up for 60 hours straight reading tnc in a group circle.

yeahhhhh.

so i personally wasnt super scared abt the entire lovecraft-ish/other worldly implications of mundum being real or not. it was the paul’s state of mind when he spiked the coffee with drugs. it was the entire betrayal thing. 

i personally haven’t really had the entire internet friends experience bc im p shy irl and online. i dont usually go talk to strangers in chatrooms/discord or anything. also stranger danger lol.

but i hear a bunch of stories abt that kind of stuff, the early 2000′s internet experience before ppl had more awareness of internet stranger danger. also i’ve been watching and reading abt a lot of internet drama thru commentary channels i watch nowadays (therightopinion is p good), and uh the whole parasocial relationship thing (so ive seen it be described as) is on my mind a lot now. since we view ppl as relatable and feel like we know them. now, of course, there’s a difference in the personal experience one can have between a youtuber or internet celeb and a person on an interactive forum/social media platform. i would think that more interactive platforms like forums or discourd would feel more personal to some than a celebrity but still. 

the entire narration of paul’s during the spiking the coffee scene was so rational-seeming to him. and then the betrayal that his friends, the ones at Spelunk 04! and online felt hit me. like, i’ve never personally experienced that kind of betrayal since i dont have internet/stranger friends, but still i think it’s really relevant now. on the 26th chapter (2nd to last), the forum comments of JimWind and Sally’s Lil Sis hit especially hard. 

JimWind:

Wow. Wowwowow. I just finished reading the whole thing through the latest bit GW's posted. I had heard things about Spelunk 04 having something to do with restaurant workers dying, but I just figured that was a baseless rumor because it seemed so hard to understand how that could have happened. But what really shocks me here isn't even that, it's the fact that GlassWave dosed his/our friends with hard drugs. (Adderall is just prescription amphetamine, AKA speed! WTF!!!) "GlassHole" indeed! TBH it really makes me uncomfortable with GW and getting this whole story from him. Of course when I first read this

“maybe not even the other forum members, not even the best among them, not even Jim, say”

I was flattered, especially cause GW's always seemed like one of the sharpest and nicest posters around these parts (until now!!). But now it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want this guy to think I'm one of the "best" Cafe people. And I'm holding back judgment on all this Spelunk nonsense until I hear about it from someone WHO ISN'T GLASSWAVE. (Plus, this is stupid, but there's something that makes it even worse about the fact that the diner has my name :P) No matter how you slice it, it's a sad day for the Cafe. D:

Sally:

Yeah me too JimWind. I'm literally crying rn. First Spelunk went wrong, then we have to wait to hear about what happened, then we finally get the report but it's from this jerk! I'm really sad bc this forum has meant a lot to me over the last year (its been a really tough year for me) and now I'm worried that everyone here might be some sort of drug-pushing creep :( :( :(

before this, everyone felt connected in some way w/ chesscourt and safe. and paul/glasswave was a decent person in the community! he talked to other ppl. ppl trusted him enough to invite him to this thing and meet up irl. and then he just. spikes coffee with adderall.

idk, maybe its just me since i was too young to be on fandom spaces in 2004 and be on chatrooms and stuff, but i feel like when the internet first came out everyone felt safe on it to some degree and the internet and real life were seperate spaces. now, esp with social media like facebook, real life and the internet are super connected. 

the fact that paul caused harm to his friends by spiking their drinks without consent is horrible. but like i feel like to ppl from 2004 who might not have experienced this kind of closely tied internet/real life drama before and also might not have the same sense of internet stranger danger that ppl have today, the idea of a person from the internet harming you in real life could be terrifying. today, i think that horror stories of ppl meeting online and then things going wrong is so common and in the news that we don’t bat an eye to it. but i guess maybe to 2004 ppl, this is like the ultimate nightmare.

when i finished the book, i felt a bit let down by the ending and stuff. it felt a bit anti-climatic. but after thinking about this from (what i think is) a 2004 person’s perspective, this is p awful. and the whole unreliable narration thing was very good.

i thought of midsommar a bit when i was thinking abt the ending. like, sure a bunch of horrible gory stuff happened and ppl died. but the real horror sets in afterwards when you realize that the movie is abt a vulnerable lonely woman in a neglectful relationship being indoctrinated into a cult thru drugs, isolation, and love bombing, and it was kinda shown as a “good thing” bc the protag finally found a place she belonged. when really, she was being further trapped in life, this time in a cult.

idk, but i guess that’s my ramble on the northern caves.

tl;dr - i read an original story from AO3 that was kinda hyped up for a lovecraft-ish horror, but i ended up interpreting the horror aspect differently and didn’t really get the mundum/lovecraft-ish part i think?

[scarlettlawyer]

Part 7 of my reaction/commentary to the Phantoms & Mirages fanfic series by @renegadewangs

(Chasing Phantoms): Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 

(Haunted Specters): Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Going into Vanquishing Mirages, I’d first like to comment on the title. To the uninitiated, those unfamiliar with the story and the characters, the title can seem pretty vague. Indeed, I’d taken the title to be akin to referring to/describing an abstract concept at first glance when I was not in-the-know, and it’s only upon getting up to the fic that it’s suddenly like “Oh. It’s literal. It’s meant to be taken literally.” The same can be said for the title of the overall series, “Phantoms and Mirages”, which I have already commented on. I’d always thought it was a nice play wherein there are two similar words, but one is referring to a concrete, actual character whereas the other is only for the abstract concept. Only to find out, no, they’re BOTH words that refer to concrete, actual characters. It feels kinda cool how suddenly the title fully “reveals” itself like this and takes shape, but only once you’re far enough into the story.

The transition from Chasing Phantoms to Haunted Specters is one wherein it absolutely feels like you’re starting a brand new story in a series after finishing the first one, not least because of the timeskip. Things are also mostly wrapped up by the end of Chasing Phantoms except for some loose ends. But they stand out as two very separate stories, or separated stories, albeit of course still existing within the same series with many running threads between the two. But as I finished Haunted Specters and began Vanquishing Mirages, I barely took note that I was finishing one fic and starting a new one, as the transition and connection from one to the next felt so seamless. It simply felt like I was continuing to read an ongoing story. This is also aided by how well and truly hooked and onboard I was at that point – I barely took note that the transition was one fic to another as opposed to one chapter to another, because my primary priority was just clicking through to keep on reading! I don’t think I really paused reading at all. I just headed straight from one into the next.

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 1

Oh, it’s already so good. It’s already so good. Hitting the ground running.

The way you connect/contrast flashbacks/scenes taking place at different points is. Masterful. For some reason, I hadn’t actually remembered the first two scenes of the fic as being shown one after the other. More phantom hypocrisy, more phantom hypocrisy! Augh. I feel bad for Mirage.

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 2

“Hey… Will you still recognize me? After they change my face? After they change it a hundred times over and we run into each other in the street, but you won’t know what I look like… Will you still know it’s me?”

HER SAYING THIS ACTUALLY MAKES ME SO SAD IN A SENTIMENTAL WAY.

Okay, I also love the narrative noting how Mirage’s laugh ALSO stirs Gumshoe somewhat. Because of COURSE it would. Aaaaah.

His mission as Bobby Fulbright was on a need to know basis and the only one who needed to know was he himself.

HMMM! Interesting. I hate that Dual Destinies is kinda… A little unclear on this front. Also. It was so great to see a flashback to the phantom as Bobby in the Dual Destinies timeframe, too.

Okay. Okay. And the thing about these flashbacks is just. The phantom making Mirage laugh. As a consistent running thread. He can always make her laugh. And that’s a consistent running thread that’s shown for good reason! I mean, granted, making Mirage laugh is really, really easy, so it’s no surprise that she basically laughs in pretty much every scene she’s shown in – and these are phantom flashbacks. But STILLLL

PHOENIX’S REACTION TO KNOWING FRANZISKA IS PROSECUTING IS SO GREAT

“You know what’ll help? Running a quick lap around the block!” An excited grin washed over Athena’s face. She slammed a hand down on the table and pushed herself to her feet. “Here, I’ll come with you for support! Vámonos!”

“Hang on, what about dinner?” Phoenix asked. “How long do we have until it’s done?” “Three, maybe four minutes.” “That’s plenty of time! C’mon, Bobby! I’ll race you!”

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH BECAUSE THIS IS JUST, PEAK ATHENA. How is this not a canon exchange. PLUS I just love the mental image of Bobby and Athena racing around the block together because it just feels so them? I never knew I needed this before!! But yesss just let them run together ahaah! The image of it just makes me so inexplicably happy.

HOHOHO PHOENIX PICKING UP LOCKS ON THE MAGATAMA IS SO SO GOOD AHAAAA. GOTTEM

And this scene was intriguing for me simply because the narrative, as it has done so very consistently throughout the course of the series, follows Simon’s POV perspective. Of COURSE it does. Phoenix is a marginal character at best in this series. But it’s just really cool to read because Phoenix is just about the most central character in the ace attorney series, the one whose perspective we see from the most. And yet here, in this scene where the magatama reacts, we are seeing it – him – from the outside. Simon, naturally, is sceptical of the magatama whereas we, the readers, already know that it’s dead-on. As I read through the exchange that Simon and Phoenix have with each other over it… it was so easy to imagine myself holding the DS in my hands, playing through this scene in an ace attorney game AS Phoenix, being on the other side of the exchange and watching Simon deny it and say that the magatama was faulty, and knowing just as much as Phoenix does that he’s wrong. Things like this almost feel like a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead type deal, where the “plot” and the “main characters” – at least if you are going from how the main games classify it – casually wander in on and interact with the “other characters” every now and then before wandering out of the picture again and leaving them to it – the “other characters” being, in this series, the ones whose perspectives we have been sticking with the entire time, when it almost feels like Phoenix should still be at the centre simply because of how normalised that is in the game series.

It makes me think that if you were to construct an Ace Attorney game (or rather, case?) around the plot of Vanquishing Mirages, it would – obviously – just look so dramatically different, even if the exact same stuff is happening, we’d be Phoenix interacting with the others. Instead of actually getting Simon’s POV as the narrative gives us, the player would have to rely on Phoenix’s interactions with characters like Bobby and Simon to piece together what is going on with them. You could still set up the main kind of plot and demonstrate the, for example, internal conflicts Simon is having, but you’d be getting the information much more “secondhand” – through Phoenix, as is usually the case in the games. It goes to show that you can tell the same story from so many different perspectives, and even in main ace attorney games there is so much else going on that the player obviously never gets to see. You can take a marginal character and just show how much is going on behind the scenes when Phoenix’s plot isn’t intersecting with theirs. But yes, this scene truly made me feel like we were in the midst of an ongoing Ace Attorney game, yet as an outsider – only getting the “side-character” POV through Simon.

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 3

yet he was willing to put that paranoia aside for the sake of Bobby’s emotional health. Why was that not the same as caring?

I’m STILL thinking real deep about this whole scene, daaaaamn. You really have the ability to inspire – to make someone really think with your writing.

THE ENTIRE SCENE WHERE SIMON AND FRANZISKA MEET IS

Perfection.

AND I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S… WE’RE ONLY ON CHAPTER THREE??? WE’RE ONLY ON CHAPTER 3 AND EVERY CHAPTER SO FAR ALREADY FEELS ICONIC IN ITS OWN RIGHT. I guess this is a result of me not paying too much attention that this was a separate fic because SOMEHOW this scene just felt like it came later on. Probably because it’s just so damn good it feels like it gets “built up” to or we have to “wait” a bit for it, but no, no, we are only on chapter 3 and already the blessed readers get to receive such an absolute TREAT.

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 4

“Ahh, Fräulein von Karma. How nice to see you again. Or perhaps I should say… Es tut mir gut Ihren süsses lächeln wieder zu sehen.” “Halt deine freche schnauze!” Von Karma barked. There was another loud whip crack and a cry of pain before she stormed off.

I love this exchange very, very much because it still works and adds something to the moment regardless of whether the reader understands German or not.

For those who don’t understand German like myself, the brevity of the exchange and the contextual clues are enough to give a clear picture of the gist of what the exchange contained even though we don’t know exactly what it was, so the overall understanding of the scene is not impacted in any way – and it’s not difficult to make use of the internet to find out an exact translation if we want to.

However, this exchange also kinda feels like it says, “if you don’t know German, stuff you. Get good. Deal with it.” And like… as a non-German speaker I 100% respect that. German speakers can read through this seamlessly. But if I want to know the exact translation, I need to interrupt the reading experience however briefly to look it up for myself. Otherwise, it’s just like standing in the scene in reality, wherein whether or not you understand exactly what gets said depends on the reader, personally. It feels so natural that this – language switch/exchange would happen as it does.

There’s many details I enjoy of the Prosecutor Lobby scene that I won’t go into them all. But wow, everything, with the introduction of Franziska and all these other characters brought into the margins of the narrative, makes the narrative feel like it’s seriously ramped up a notch in build-up to the trial.

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 5

The brunet looked irritable and kept sending frowns towards his two colleagues, who were both stubbornly ignoring him. Simon suspected it had to do with them being unable to tell Apollo about the true nature of the trial, leaving him to believe that they would genuinely wish to defend the Phantom.

I can’t imagine how the conversation would have gone when Apollo initially found out…

“Anyway…” The judge slammed his gavel down once to call for everyone’s attention. “Court is now in session for the trial of the international spy known as the Ghost.”

AHAHAHA LOVE THIS. A+ Judge. He Would

“Objection!” called a hoarse voice.

PHANTOM OBJECTING PHANTOM OBJECTING PHANTOM OBJ

Okay. In all honesty. I absolutely love the phantom’s objection just getting steamrolled over. Him being so very patronised. By EVERYONE. Yesssss.

It was Lang who interjected next. Lang, who placed a firm hand on the defendant’s shoulder to shove him back into his seat. “I’m afraid so, Your Honor. Like a starving, dehydrated mutt, he could almost be called delirious at this point. Why, just earlier this morning, he attempted to take responsibility for the death of Mr. Presley, also known as The King. He claimed it was a political assassination.” “That is a lie,” the Phantom snarled loudly. He was ignored.

THIS is so unbelievably fun/funny to me, I’m sorry. I don’t know how much we’re SUPPOSED to be amused by it, but I just take way too much enjoyment from the phantom’s situation in this particular scene ahahaha.

Prior to this, through Bobby, the narrative sets up the whole “it’s not right to use the phantom against his will like this.” He had given his consent for it previously. That consent has clearly been revoked. And there is that sense of “:/” about the situation prior to this that Bobby is feeling. BUT. That’s isn’t the primary lens I viewed this particular scene through. I was instead moreso inclined to just cackle evilly at my fave. THE ELECTROCUTION THAT HAPPENS AFTER IS SUPER HARSH THOUGH.

Lang’s words and behaviour just refuse to take him seriously – intentionally set up to strip the phantom from the ability to be taken seriously by anyone else. ROBBING him further of any power he could possibly still have at this point.

Haunted Specters essentially saying “the phantom = Bobby and Simon’s child” is patronising in the best way. This is also patronising, in-universe this time! And it’s just the best!!! Yes!!!!

The phantom just being shut down at every opportunity is something I love way too much. get rekt

The phantom: I AM A DANGEROUS CRIMINAL I AM GUILTY-

Just about everyone else/the narrative to an extent: aww sure you are, sure you are hon. How cute. Little darling simply doesn’t know what he’s saying. Must be a little cranky. You know how little ones can be sometimes.

It’s a sucky and harsh situation but. I guess I’m kinda awful in just wanting to see him suffer up to a certain point.

Apollo Justice looked almost satisfied.

YES YES YEEEEES I LOVED THIS LITTLE LINE, this detail thrown in. HAHA YES. AND THE CONTRAST OF HIS REACTION WITH EVERYONE ELSE’S TOO.

Because there’s actually at least one more line to this effect: love all the references to Apollo NOT being happy with this situation.

By her side, Ambassador Palaeno looked shaken. He kept wringing his hands in a nervous manner. Even more behavior that struck Simon as odd. Why did this turn of events bother the man so?

OKAY FIRST OF ALL, the CONSTANT references to Palaeno’s suspiciousness through Simon’s POV were SO great, and I was like, “Hahahah Simon it’s ok, he’s just Like That. It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

BUT THEN THE NARRATIVE SEEMED TO FOCUS ON HIM SO MUCH??? To a suspicious extent. More than necessary beyond merely highlighting “haha he’s so unnecessarily suspicious to Simon.” And YES it’s because it’s Simon’s POV and Simon would be taking note a lot of this Very Odd Fellow but the constant references back to Palaeno’s shiftiness had me narrowing my eyes and going, “Okay, okay, hold up. WHAT’S going on here. There might actually be something to this. Simon possibly might be onto something.”

The suggestion that Palaeno is perhaps “stricken by guilt over something” made me think that, obviously he is not TRULY guilty of anything serious, and is obviously a nice and well-meaning man, but perhaps through his well-meaningness he might have had a hand in accidentally causing something bad and it’s just beginning to fully dawn on him. I was thinking perhaps the narrative wanted to pull a deliberate doubletwist on us – Simon thinks the man is obviously suspicious and perhaps guilty of something. The reader knows that Simon’s suspicions aren’t true, and knowing Palaeno better see him as completely innocent and as Simon just misreading him. But the narrative could totally dupe the audience very effectively, if it wanted, if Simon on some level turned out to be right. But in such a manner that still manages to preserve Palaeno’s true character. Or hey. It’s fanfiction. If it really wanted there could be a sudden “LOL Palaeno turns out to actually be bad” twist snkldsnlsdlnj

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 6

“Yes! Yes, that is exactly what happened!” the Phantom called, seemingly awakened from his stupor. Lang silenced him with another electric jolt- if one could call that silencing. It caused another hoarse cry of pain, after which the Phantom fell from his chair with a bang that resounded through the courtroom.

BOOOI U DESPERATE…

“No!” The spy jumped to his feet, slamming his hands down on the wooden rail before him. His eyes were wide, but even so, they twitched. He looked absolutely frantic. Whatever was inside that envelope, it was enough to rouse him from his state of defeat and send him hurtling into alarm. “As you can see, the defendant recognizes this piece of evidence. I ask that the court keeps this in consideration,” Selestia remarked. “I… No, I…” The Phantom seemed disoriented for a moment. As if he wasn’t sure what to say or do. It didn’t matter. He’d already betrayed himself by raising his voice.

CONGRATULATIONS YOU PLAYED YOURSELF PHANTOM

Lang and Fulbright both grabbed him to push him back into his seat, but he continued to stare up at Belvedere with wide eyes.

AAAAAAH MIRAGE… LOOK AT HIM JUST LOOK… YOU’RE REALLY ABOUT TO DO THIS TO HIM HUH

“You’re in no position to offer any sort of advice, Phantom. You’re in no position to do anything but follow the orders I give you. Now be a good boy and stand still for a moment.”

NOW BE A GOOD BOY AND- AAAAH

“You need to understand your place in this world. You aren’t a human being, you’re a heartless monster who needs to be locked away for everyone’s good.”

AAAAAAAAAH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. SO NEEDLESS TO SAY – AS THIS IS JUST PRIOR TO THE REVEAL – I DIDN’T PICK UP ON THE DOUBLEMEANING OF THIS THE FIRST TIME AROUND?

The Phantom leaned forward, once again placing both hands on the rail before him. His head was bowed, a curtain of jagged blond hiding part of his face. “Don’t. If you have even the slightest shred of decency… The slightest shred of honor… Don’t give that to them.” “Please let it also be noted that the defendant is pleading for me not to show this piece of evidence, adding further truth to the notion that the results indeed involve him, thereby further increasing their relevancy,” Selestia remarked in a rather dry tone of voice.

KINDA HATE MIRAGE. KINDA HATE MIRAGE. WHICH IS, WHEW. I LOVED HER SO MUCH I THOUGHT SHE WAS SO GREAT AND THEN SHE JUST.

AND THE DSKJHF PHANTOM APPEALING TO DECENCY AND HONOUR I just. He’s got nothing left he’s desperately appealing to senses that he does not possess. That everyone knows he does not possess. That he KNOWS everyone knows he does not possess. BUT HE’S DOING IT ANYWAY.

“I will repeat my earlier warning. Once you divulge the information regarding this sociopath’s DNA results, he will attempt to silence you, as well as everyone else who hears it,” Selestia said. She brushed her hair aside one last time and this time, Simon could see it. The trace of a smile, hidden just behind her hand.

MIRAGE WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME KINDA HATE YOU RIGHT NOW. I KNOW it’s fun to watch & make the phantom squirm but aaaaaaaa

All eyes were on him, now. Even Franziska leaned sideways to glance over his shoulder as he tore the envelope open. He could hear the Phantom calling out to him. His voice was desperate, almost hysterical, leaving no doubt that these DNA results were genuine.

Wh- h-

Simon: ok cool [just casually rips it open like this]

“… As per your request, I can hereby confirm it without a doubt. The DNA of the sample provided was proven to be a match with that of Alexander Luster and the late Zerene Luster-Palaeno.”

The characters:

Me, for the most part:

HONIN’ IN ON THAT LITTLE DETAIL LIKE HELLO WHAT

Amazing. Amazing. The – Palaeno and the phantom both have blonde hair. And… And…

Palaeno seems incredibly guilty, but is innocent. The phantom IS incredibly guilty, but in Dual Destinies, “Bobby” is just about the last person you’d suspect.

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 7

“You gave me your WORD, Simon Blackquill! You gave me your word that you would DESTROY IT! I’ll get you for this! I’ll make you PAY!”

Buddy. If I were Simon Blackquill in this moment. Chains, interpol agents detaining him, EVERYTHING aside. I would fear for my life to some extent.

Six degrees of separation. A theory that any two individuals could be connected through at most five acquaintances. That everyone was intertwined in one way or another. After all that’d occurred, Simon found that theory must have some basis of truth in it.

Love this phrasing, of bringing the “six degrees of separation” into this… Despite how far-out any of this seemed, this, through the prose and Simon processing it like this, once again just made it feel so grounded.

I was reeling so much… ya made the phantom related to Palaeno… A minor ace attorney character in a totally separate game… You did it… You did that.

Oh gosh, and as the paragraphs outline just how interconnected everyone is… it’s beautiful. I adore it. Well and truly demonstrating the delicately intertwined nature of everyone. Combining both the canon of the games and the canon of this fic series wonderfully to form these intricate webs.

I feel that it was a bold choice to make the phantom’s real name “Lex Luster”. The very same name that we’ve already been applying to the other character. You could have easily given the phantom a distinct name to keep some kind of a distinction there, but you decided to stick to the same one. This “bold choice” aspect moreso comes into play for me during Lifting Spirits, as at first it caused quite a bit of whiplash for me to start associating the name “Lex Luster” with this newly EXTREMELY emotional man as opposed to the super dislikable villain Lex Luster Sr that got killed off. We’re not up to there in the story yet though hahaha.

LANG’S COMMENT WITH THE VOUCHERS IS SO AWESOMELY CRUDE AHAHA. The reactions of the others just absolutely make it.

Indeed, after what happened in the courtroom, Simon was sure their presence would be quite unwanted. Unwanted, yet unavoidable. It was time to see him again and hear his side of the story.

I GUESS I’M JUST MUCH MORE OF A COWARD THAN SIMON IS but once again, if I were Simon, those death threats would still be fresh on my mind and I just. Would not want to be anywhere near the phantom, no matter how securely he was being contained. D:

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 8

Okay can I just, I love it. I love everything. The level of uncooperativeness and defeat. The phantom clinging to denial. Just. All of the little things and details.

Palaeno shifted in his seat and wrung his hands together in his lap. He looked rather disheartened. “… Lex…”

OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. PALAENO, NO. NO. I WOULDN’T IF I WERE YOU. I WOULD ADVISE AGAINST IT GOOD SIR. AHAHAHA oh my goodness. Oh my GOODNESS. The level of… THE SHEER LEVEL OF MISGUIDEDNESS HERE. I’m choking.

“What did you just say?” the Phantom demanded in response.

HE DOESN’T LIKE THAT HE DOESN’T LIKE THAT AT AAAAAALL AHAHAAA SUFFER.

I ALMOST KIND OF??? EXPECTED THE PHANTOM TO JUST BREAK AGAIN OVER THIS. Someone actually applying a NAME to him. LABELLING him with a REAL, ACTUAL, PROPER NAME, with a connection to a past, a history, it’s HUGE. He hates it. He hates it. It’s everything he’s fought against. The sheer size of the breakdown he had in court over the revelation – and now – now an alleged relative using it in this context is just - !!! I expected this to be way too much for him to take and he’d just lose again it in anger/denial or what have you, but he did more than enough in court. Aww, little baby tired himself out. Kudos to him for not losing it once again.

I’d also expected the phantom to react in immediate anger & semi-lose it when he saw Simon BUT! Once again, more than enough of that happened in court. There’s only so much that someone – especially a guy with limited emotions like him – can keep that up before basically becoming despondent. Seems he’s basically fallen back into a state of SOMEWHAT calm and the emotions have subsided enough for him to chat and return to his more “normal” state. Even though he’s clearly not fully returned to normal and constantly on the edge like you don’t wanna push this guy ahahaha. SUFFERRR, PHANTOM. Just BARELY keeping it together.

“Leave it to foolishly foolish fools to pretend that everything revolves around their own foolishly foolish problems.” Franziska wagged a dismissive finger at the Phantom.

THIS SENTENCE IS SUCH A BLESSING, YES FRANZISKA PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE. Haaaah! “Franziska wagged a dismissive finger at the Phantom” is such a good sentence. Patronise to him. Condescend. DISMISS. Yeah, yeah!

They made their way to the door. However, just before passing through it, Palaeno stopped in his tracks. He turned and flashed one last grin at the Phantom. One last desperate attempt to make peace. “We’ll see you at the trial tomorrow, Lex.”

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP THIS POOR MISGUIDED MAN… Palaeno buddy… I understand but… you’re not gonna win this one.

Bobby paused for a moment, then replied with a suggestive hand gesture of his own. Simon immediately made a grab for his wrists to lower them. “Don’t indulge him!”

BOBBY I LOVE YOU.

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 9

Simon headed back out the front door, Fulbright by his side, to see that Wright and his two assistants were attempting to get to the steps. Luster’s followers were blocking their path, shouting and spitting at the ground. Some of them were uttering their insults in Cohdopian, others managed to speak English.

This is SO unfair on Apollo to also cop flack like this, considering. Apollo must be so, so done with everything.

“Go back to retirement, Wright!”

OUCH.

“Court will now reconvene for the trial of the international spy known as…” the judge hesitated for a moment and cast a quick glance down at his papers. “The Phantom.”

SDFKBJSDFNLSDKJN that moment of hesitation and needing to confirm for sure is THE BEST

They couldn’t bear the thought that the spy shared his name with the great Lex Luster.

!

All her emotions were exactly as they should be if she were the real Selestia Belvedere. She was tricking the Mood Matrix. Many years ago, the Phantom had trained Mirage to control her emotions. He’d trained her a bit too well.

I really like this? I really liked this on the first readthrough because whoa, roadblock! They finally, after struggling so hard, got her right where they needed her and it doesn’t work. I’d expected her to slip up slightly but for it to still be an uphill battle to expose her. But not so, not so at all. She’s covered her tracks. I hadn’t been expecting the cast to just run straight into a “dead end” like this! :D And it makes you so keen to read on because HOW are they going to make it out of this one?!

Vanquishing Mirages, Chapter 10

He’d suffered through quite a few ‘jokes’ at her hand already. He’d seen her supposed humor in action. From worms in his sandwich to having his shoelaces tied together, he’d witnessed it all.

WORMS IN HIS S- Okay Mirage you are the best. Thank you. Thank you so much for putting the spy boi thru so many pranks in your youth. What a blessing.

The next day, they were involved in a raid. One unfortunate sap had gotten his hands on the prank gun and as a result, two members of the smuggling ring had died. Nobody had laughed. He’d decided it was in his best interest not to confess to the prank. He’d also decided not to make another attempt at comedy- Not in the way he currently was.

THIS IS. A REVERSE-ENGINEERED JOKE. By that I mean, this would be the snappy, short & seemingly humorous statement that you would extract from this paragraph, or rather, that this paragraph could stem from:

“The phantom tried to pull a prank once.

Two people died.”

Those two sentences put together have a comedic effect about them on the reader.

It’s as if the story instead took the above two statements – a throwaway joke - and spun them into an actual, serious incident that happened and PUT IT INTO THE STORY. THAT’S WHAT IT IS IT’S A REAL THING THAT HAPPENED IN THE STORY I--- Oh my gosh. This is a reverse-engineered joke taken seriously I can’t believe it. I love it.

Okay, so we have a demonstration that the young phantom takes things in a painfully literal manner (consistent with other young phantom flashbacks) and that he flatly lacks a sense of humour…

It makes me wonder… Would a lack of emotions be inherently linked to being very literal? Would it mean one was not able to understand jokes? Even if one would not laugh or truly enjoy jokes, couldn’t one still be able to understand them on some level or learn to understand? The same goes for literal vs being able to understand rhetorical questions and figure of speech. Obviously this phantom had trouble with all of that when young, but I am unsure if there would necessarily be an inherent link among these things. Interesting to ponder.

Also… For all his struggles to understand jokes and humour in his youth, I certainly think that the phantom manages to develop his own sense of humour over time, and that there is evidence of them possessing a sense of humour both in Dual Destinies itself and earlier on in your fic series.

It is albeit a very dry sense of humour. Kind of twisted. BARELY there. But there nonetheless.

I think that the phantom, even if they cannot appreciate jokes, needs to know how to at the very least fake a sense of humour in order to properly impersonate people. Does being able to fake a sense of humour not mean that one would be required to at least possess some sliver of one themselves? The same goes for being able to understand figures of speech. Certainly something that can be picked up and learned, and is a necessity for the phantom to have a firm grasp on to impersonate properly. And of course, he must have become adept at both, given the amount of time he’s had to do so, the sheer amount of people he has impersonated, and how deep into the roles he tends to get.

OKAY THEN WE GET TH

THE PHANTOM TELLING JOKES AND I

I tell you what. On the first readthrough I just… yes, I lost it and I… really loved it. Too much? To the extent that, my “willing suspension of disbelief” wavered purely because of how great it was and how much I enjoyed it. “S-so good… So… fanservicey…!” The issues were not “believability” or “how this fits in the context of this story” but rather, “oh, this is SO good that it feels too good to be true” and my WSOD threatened to crack under the sheer weight of it alone. BECAUSE IT’S AS IF I FEEL LIKE I CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS I GUESS?

When reading a fanfic I suppose Willing Suspension of Disbelief, or what’s deemed “canon” or “out of character" is mapped onto two fronts: the canon of the source material and the canon of the fanfic itself. Some fanfictions of course, readily wave the source material’s canon aside in favour of setting up its own canon, wherein everyone acknowledges the canon of the source material in such cases is secondary and/or does not matter. Other fanfics, such as your fic series, map directly onto the source material (as well as having its own consistent canon) and therefore must appease “canon”, “willing suspension of disbelief”, etc. on both fronts, sometimes/usually keeping the two completely aligned.

And for me it wavered in both realms, which is preposterous. There is no basis whatsoever on which to consider this “OOC” because I cannot claim to know more than the author who wrote it, and I knew this. And besides, I wanted this anyway. I wanted to take this and add it to the canon of the series but because it was just SO good… Too good…! I couldn’t help questioning it like, “can I… can I really have this? Can I take this? This super awesome moment it’s… Can I really? There must be some kind of mistake, it’s way too good, I…!”

And then I pulled myself in line and told myself, You Know What? This is an awesome moment and I refuse to question it. I refuse to ruin my own fun. I’m taking it. I’m taking it because it’s fun. I’m taking it and running with it BECAUSE it’s so good and I love it and I shall not let it be cast aside. And I Shall relax and enjoy this for all it’s worth. Crush Thy Inner Killjoy.

I’M JUST. Not used to letting myself accept & enjoy things like this to this extent I guess, and that’s why…!

Sometimes I think about this scene and just lose it and oh my gosh. The phantom really did that. Awesome. Thank you.

Me: [regains composure after typing all that, continues reading when…]

TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT HIM STICKING HIS TONGUE OUT OK I’M GONE AGAIN BYE AHAH

I’ve written up some stuff already for the next chapters too, but I’ll leave em for the next post~!

[basketcase789]

Heartbeat Song

“Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back.”

- Plato

Group: BTS

Member: Suga (feat. others)

Genre: soulmate au

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

Yoongi pulled off his headphones and brought a hand up to massage the back of his neck, trying to work out the kinks. He glanced at the clock on his computer screen, and seeing it was just past 2 a.m., sat back in his chair with a deep sigh.

He was working on composing a song for BTS’ next studio album, and he’d been at it for four hours in his studio now, without much progress. Despite trial and error he just couldn’t seem to mould the melody into the song he had in mind.

He’d always found it difficult trying to compose a song when there was an entirely different one playing over and over in his head. One that was all too familiar.

He brought his hands up to his face to rub at his tired eyes and sighed again. This song did tend to creep into his mind more often when he was exhausted or stressed out. Perhaps it was trying to tell him he’d done enough work for today and to go to bed.

He closed the software he’d been using to edit his music, but wasn’t quite ready to head back to the dorm just yet. He opened up his internet browser instead.

The familiar home page of Synced Up loaded onto his screen. Every night for the past three years he’d browsed the site before going to bed, save for those few nights where he just couldn’t find the energy to.

He clicked on the first audio file displaying under the new uploads section, which immediately began playing in a pop-up screen, revealing the profile of the user who had uploaded it. Female, 20 years old, located in Belarus. He only needed the few seconds it took to read the user’s details to know that this song wasn’t his. He clicked on the next audio file. And the next. And the next...

After fifteen minutes he gave up. With his busy work schedule he couldn’t seem to keep up with all the daily uploads to the site. It didn’t help when the same song was allowed to be uploaded multiple times; first and most common were clips of the user simply humming the melody, and then later they tended to re-upload a version with instruments - whether professionally done or after learning an instrument themselves.

There were just too many people searching for their soulmates via the matching song that played over and over in one’s head.

Yoongi had been searching for three years now with no luck. He’d entertained the thought of simply arranging the melody himself and posting it. Maybe that way his soulmate could find him instead. Sure, the song would be difficult to synthesize at first because the melody sounded like a music box lullaby in his mind, but with a bit of work he could probably get it right.

However, Synced Up didn’t allow for anonymous submissions - no exceptions. You had to be able to prove you were you. In the past they’d had an anonymous option, but people had stolen others’ songs as their own, leading to a whole lot of issues. He remembered hearing about the lawsuits in the news, and the site had even temporarily shut down.

If he signed up then everyone would know it was him. And once fans found out about the melody and memorized it he’d never find his real soulmate. That’s why he’d been searching so earnestly, instead.

He couldn’t help but feel a little bitter when he thought of Namjoon and Seokjin, two of his bandmates to have already discovered their soulmates. Both had found each of their songs their very first try on the website, like fate or something. And as for Hoseok, he had an even more effortless encounter; he found his soulmate one day at the airport while she was humming to herself as he happened to walk by. Yoongi wouldn’t have believed it if he hadn’t been there himself.

Maybe this was all for the best, he concluded. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t get lonely every now and then, but he didn’t exactly have a lot of free time to spend on a significant other. He would be content with just knowing who his soulmate was - or that he had one at all. To know he wasn’t alone in the universe and there was someone out there for him. By his age very few people had yet to find their soulmate, although people in the public eye like himself tended to keep their relationships low profile. His fellow members certainly did.

He finally closed the web browser, but hesitated before powering off his computer. He found himself putting his headphones on and opening his audio software back up. It couldn’t hurt to compose a little something. Any other song that got stuck in his head seemed to disappear once he’d brought it to life, so why not this one? He could do without the constant reminder that he hadn’t found his soulmate yet, for a little while. Maybe actually get some sleep for once.

Half an hour later he called it quits, with the basic melody completed. He’d have to leave for the dorm now if he still wanted a few precious hours of sleep. After all, he knew he’d be back at it later in the morning, trying to meet the deadlines for the new album.

His soul song was out of his head - for now.

It was too early for any sane person to be awake, Yoongi thought, but sometimes it can’t be helped.

He sat at a boardroom table along with the rest of his members, nursing a large coffee. Black. It wasn’t a cream and sugar kind of day.

Yoongi spotted Jungkook stifle a yawn from across the table just as Bang PD spoke up, officially beginning their meeting.

“Okay, you guys know the drill. We have twenty song demos here, and we need to cut the list down to twelve for your next album. And we’re not leaving here until we know which ones and the order they’ll feature in.”

Yoongi never really offered much input at these kinds of meetings, unless there happened to be a song or two he was particularly passionate about. He composed the songs, and he trusted his members and staff to select the best ones from there. Songs that didn’t get picked always had a chance of appearing on a future album, anyway.

Bang PD continued. “We’ve all had time to listen to the songs. As discussed, the previously agreed upon concept for this comeback is…”

This time Yoongi couldn’t help but yawn. Why were these meetings always so repetitive? He could have been spending all this time asleep in his bed, instead of watching from the sidelines while everyone discussed which songs they liked best. Yoongi was confident all of the songs would be a hit, so it didn’t really matter to him. Lyrics and vocals weren’t even set in stone yet, so he didn’t feel particularly attached to any of the songs.

He was nearing the bottom of his coffee cup, but luckily the end of the meeting seemed to be at hand.

“Before we agree on which order these songs will appear, I want you all to have a listen to the song Hoseok has been working on. His track will complete the album as the thirteenth song, and if it does well on the music charts he’ll be allowed to release a solo album in the coming months.”

Hoseok was beaming from the other side of the table, and Yoongi gave him a silent thumbs up while the other members cheered and hyped him up.

Bang PD took a moment to search for the correct file on the laptop and clicked play, as Yoongi took the last few sips of his coffee. The music filled the room, upbeat and sounding exactly like something Hoseok would create.

A few bars later, Yoongi’s coffee cup froze in front of his mouth. His mouth grew dry, but it wasn’t from the bitter coffee. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as he realized the base melody sounded all too familiar. Although its beat was sped up to match the upbeat tempo, he was certain. It was his soul song.

He felt the blood drain from his face. He’d been hiding the track in a folder amongst the other ones he’d been working on and completely forgot about it. It must have been copied along with the other files when he transferred them to a USB stick for submission weeks ago.

There was no way he could let this song be released to the public. It was far too intimate to have it broadcasted all over the radio.

He waited patiently until the song was finished before opening his mouth to speak, but Hoseok beat him to it.

“I based it off one of your uncompleted songs, you don’t mind do you Yoongi?”

Hoseok looked so excited to be releasing the song, wearing a proud smile and practically vibrating in his seat. He’d clearly put a lot of effort into it. Hoseok was younger than him, so Yoongi knew he would scrap the song if he asked him to. They were close friends, practically brothers, and he knew Hoseok wouldn’t go forward with something he was uncomfortable with. And he knew Hoseok would understand if he just explained everything to him.

But Yoongi found himself smiling instead, saying, “Not at all. Go for it.”

Hoseok had been patiently hoping for months - years even? - to release a self-made album. Yoongi couldn’t let him down like this. He could be biased, but Hoseok’s song did sound like it could turn out to be a huge hit. What harm could it do, really, releasing it to the public? Yoongi was the only one who knew it was his soul song. Him and his soulmate, that is.

Namjoon clapped Hoseok on the back, and Yoongi heard Jungkook say he knew the song was going to be a huge success, mirroring Yoongi’s thoughts. Yoongi looked down into his cup with a sigh. He was going to need a lot more coffee to get through this comeback.

[bigskydreaming]

Random writer tip that probably only works for some writers who are like me in this particular way:

Okay, so if you’re the kind of writer who is all about knowing you have that audience, someone actively reading what you write...Like you’re after the instant gratification feel...for instance if you write fanfic, you can’t wait to post an update as soon as you finish it, sometimes you don’t even bother editing first, you’re just like, I gotta upload, people gotta read this, I need to know its being read? That was the whole point of me writing it, the only reason I put my butt in chair and write?

Like if you’re that kind of writer as opposed to someone who takes a more methodical approach or needs everything polished before anyone else puts eyes on your work....here’s something that works for me, to without fail cut through any kind of writer’s block and boost my productivity/writing speed.

Basically, if I’m having trouble motivating myself to sit down and just write, like if it feels intimidating because of how much I need to write or how difficult a scene is or I’m just having trouble getting myself to put butt in chair and keep it there? Instead of writing by myself into a Word doc or Scrivener file, I hop on a chat app that has a full screen function, where I can enlarge the chat window so its just as wide as any writing software, and start a chat with a trusted friend or beta or critique partner. Someone who I know reads my work and enjoys it and who I don’t feel a lot of worry or insecurity about seeing my unedited stuff or judging my less-than polished product.

And then I just...write. Directly into the chat, same as if I’m writing a story in Word or Scrivener or anywhere else, just writing it directly into the chat instead, and sending at the end of each paragraph. Obviously, clear it with that friend first, ask if they’re cool if you do this today....for me at least, they don’t even actually have to be there in the chat with me all day or all writing session. Like its not like I expect them to be sitting there on their side of the connection actively reading everything I’m writing in the moment and waiting for the next paragraph. Typically they’ll wander in and out of the chat throughout the day, occasionally make some kind of non-interruptive remark as they catch up on whatever I’ve written since they last popped in, you know just like a ‘oh i love that line, or that bit’s really cool.’ Nothing that interrupts the flow of my writing really, or requires a response or break from what I’m doing...just even slight reminders throughout the day that there is actually someone there on the other end, at least once in awhile throughout the day.

And for me at least, it works wonders, because the nature of my writer brain, like, what fuels or drives me as a writer is just...being read. Sitting down to write by myself into a document that won’t be read by anyone else until I either finish the whole story or book or at least a chapter of a fanfic that I then upload....that can be daunting at any time, without warning, because like....writing IS work. It IS taxing. It takes effort. And if you’re not someone for whom the act of writing itself is its own reward, if like me you’re someone who doesn’t really get what they’re looking for out of it until they know someone else is reading what you wrote, its made the leap from your brain to theirs and is now...out there, being perceived as you intended...then just writing directly into a document file with no guarantee of when or even if it’ll end up read by someone else, that ends up being work with only the potential for the payoff you’re looking for in specific, the actual desired end goal of the act of writing as far as you’re concerned.

I mean to be clear, its not even necessarily approval of my writing that I’m looking for, praise or positive feedback or even feedback at all. Don’t get me wrong, I love all those things, sure, who doesn’t.....I just mean that for me at least, writing is just a means to an end, and the end goal for me has always been storytelling itself, whether or not that sounds a little pretentious to say like that, haha. But I just mean....I don’t need or expect everyone to love everything I write....but I need at least someone to read it, you know? Because that’s the entire point of writing for me, the only reason I do it. So that the story isn’t just stuck in my head with no one but me ‘reading it’, but its been read by someone else, someone else has gotten something out of it, not just me myself.

So this writing hack for me is just about cutting straight to that end goal, and making it a part of the actual writing session itself, wherever possible. I hate actually writing. I mean, I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it or whatever. Its work. Its necessary work, but its still....the part where I suck it up and do something whether I necessarily want to or not, because its the only way to get to the point where I DO get to the part I want, the part I’m actually here for.

But storytelling itself....like just the act of sharing a story with even a single friend....that I ALWAYS have time or energy for, because that’s the part I love. That’s the direct fix, so to speak. Even when just telling a friend a brief summary of a new project....I’m excited to do that. So what this trick does for me....is it turns the act of writing the story itself from a necessary but not all that rewarding chore....to doing the part I love...sharing a story with a reader, a beta, a friend, whomever...in any shape or form. I just make the ‘hey let me tell you about this new idea I had’ conversation one and the same with the ‘okay now I’m going to sit down for x amount of time and write the next part of this story/novel/fanfic’ part of the writing process.

And in doing so, I cut right through a lot of self-imposed bullshit that I usually throw up in my own way when writing. It lets me jump right over every reason I come up with for why I shouldn’t sit down and write right now, why I should do something else instead....because I have no reason or motivation to avoid writing, when I’m not writing so much as doing what I’m always eager to do...share something new about a story I’m excited about.

Ever since I figured out this approach, like....my productivity honestly triples, from solitary writing sessions where I’m just typing into Word/Scrivener, compared to chats where I’m writing directly ‘at’ a friend. The latter writing sessions I almost always just breeze through, losing track of time while doing so and ending up with two to three times as great a word count as when I’m just ‘alone’ with my story and a Word doc, no one on the other side of an internet chat either at the moment. I mean obviously its not like I always have a friend available for something like this, even though again its not really something where I have expectations or needs for ‘their side of it’ in order to get the most out of it. Its really just a matter of having that genuine context, that situational awareness that there is someone on the other side of that chat window who is being told the story I’m telling. That’s all I need for that switch in my brain to be flipped. To reframe my writing from a necessary evil (or you know, something similar but less dramatic, like its not that bad, I’m just That Bad) to something I look forward to and am eager for. But purely logistically, even that much isn’t always possible, like if I’m up for a late night writing session and everyone else I know is asleep lol. So its not like this is the only way I ever write ever.

But when I do have someone around and willing to indulge me in this (and I enjoy supplying the inverse of this kind of interaction too, with friends who’ve taken up this method for themselves, its a really easy and effective quid pro quo arrangement with critique partners)....like, just saying. Those are by far my most efficient, productive and downright enjoyable writing sessions, without fail.

So just passing this along. If anyone else thinks something here feels familiar to their own process or thinks this mindset describes their approach to writing or personal interaction with it, it might be worth a try.

[dailyaudiobible]

06/14/2019 DAB Transcript

1 Kings 12:20-13:34, Acts 9:26-43, Psalms 132:1-18, Proverbs 17:6

Today is the 14th day of June. Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I’m Brian and it’s great to be here with you as we’re moving into the end of the week now, another one of our weeks moving toward its conclusion. And we’re continuing to move forward. As we mentioned yesterday, we’re kinda headed into some new territory now because in the Old Testament the kingdom of Israel is not just one united group of people made up of 12 tribes. They've split into two different kingdoms, the northern kingdom of Israel in the southern kingdom of Judah. And in the book of Acts, this man, this Pharisee, this radical Pharisee named Saul has had a radical encounter with Jesus and he is becoming the apostle Paul. So, we’ll pick up with those stories. We’re reading from the English Standard Version this week. First Kings chapter 12 verse 20 through 13 verse 34.

Commentary:

Okay. So, in first kings we…I mean…it was the day before yesterday that we were reading of the apex. We were under Solomon's reign and peace and prosperity unlike anything else the world had ever seen was what we are reading about and here we are two days later. The kingdom has split into two. The northern kingdom is being led by its King Jeroboam into full-blown idolatry. And, yeah, that's just how fast things can turn and that's how fast things can turn in our lives sometimes. I mean it could be the day before yesterday that we were rescued by God worshiping in His presence and we can find ourselves a couple days later, in the depths again. So, this King, Jeroboam…now it's Rehoboam and Jeroboam and it’s easy to like get them kinda mixed up. Rehoboam is the king of Judah, and he reigns in Jerusalem and his father was King Solomon. Jeroboam is the King of the North, the 10 tribes of the north, the kingdom of Israel, and he became king in a…well…in a prophetic way, and also in a practical way. He had been in charge of the forced labor for Solomon. So, when the people came and asked Rehoboam to lighten the load and he wouldn't lighten the load…well...Jeroboam was there, and he understood the workload. So, he’s the king, but he knows that if the people continue to go to Jerusalem to worship God, it won't be long before their hearts are turned against Jeroboam and they’ll want to reunite. So, he's got borders. The kingdom of Israel in ancient Israel was from Dan to Beersheba. Jeroboam's kingdom was from Dan to Bethel, just a bit north of Jerusalem. And, so, that's where he built these temples for these calves, one in Dan in the north and one in Bethel on his southern border. And there’s the story that we read of today of a prophet being sent to Bethel to curse the altar. And he does curse the altar and its dramatic, right? The Kings got his arm frozen in place and this…the whole thing. Now, the King, once he's restored, and this is King Jeroboam that we’re talking about, once his arm is restored he wants to take the prophet home, he wants to reward the prophet, he wants to treat him well and the prophet tells him he can do it, “like…even if you give me half of your kingdom I wouldn't do it. The Lord gave me specific instructions. Do not eat, do not drink, do not go back the way you came.” And, so, he says this to the Kings face and he leaves and he's on his way home. So, final stretch of the assignment. Another profit hears about the incident, the things that had taken place, and he goes after this guy and he tells this guy, “come home with me” and the prophet repeats everything, “I can't. I can't eat or drink. I can’t go back the same way that I came.” And this this older prophet says, but an angel told me that you could, like  God has given me word that you can come home with me. And, so, he does, disobeying God in the process and he loses his life for that. We can look at this story and go like, “what's…what's in there for me? It's just kinda weird. Like why? What's with the importance of this?” This profit who had cursed the altar was willing to obey God in the face of the king of Israel and he departed. This other man, this other prophet comes to this guy and basically says, “God told me to tell you that you can do this.” And, so, the man disobeyed God completely. He ate, he drank, and he did not go back home the way he came and finish the mission. Friends, I get told God told me to tell you, often, very often in my line of work. I’m also…I grew up in a pastor's home…so I've seen this kind of stuff my whole life but this one Scripture, this one little story in the book of first Kings really gives us some poignant things to think about. If God speaks to you specific instructions you should obey those instructions no matter what anybody else tells you that God told them to tell you because…because at the end of the day we are responsible to collaborate and be in obedience to the will of God in our lives. And, so, if God speaks something and we know, we sense, we understand, the Holy Spirit is leading and then somebody else comes to us at some later time, whether that be, you know, 15 seconds later or whether that be six months later or whether that be six years later and they come and say God told me to tell you, then the first thing that we should do is ask God instead of just trusting what anyone else might tell us. According to the Scriptures in this story, the prophet lied. So, kind of the moral of the story is, deferring blame isn't gonna work with God. And we have kind of a nasty little habit of trying to defer, right? Everything that happens to us is somebody else's fault, but until we can actually own our own lives, our own thoughts, and words, and deeds, we’re not really going anywhere. And until we can own our own relationships how are they supposed to grow. And if we can’t own our own relationship with God and we’re simply trying to run around looking for some sort of oracle, like for somebody who must hear from God, can tell me what God is saying, rather than pressing in into a personal, intimate relationship with God, then we’re not gonna get that far. It’s only going to ever be frustrating. So, let's take a lesson. In fact, let's take two lessons from what we read today. Let's observe just how fast we went from a united kingdom completely prosperous to a divided kingdom and idolatry and understand that it can happen that fast for us especially…especially if we are not owning our own relationship with God and obeying what He says to do regardless.

Prayer:

Father, we invite You into that, into to all of that because we can find ourselves very easily in all of that. We have run around to everybody to everybody we can think of trying to find out what it is You might be doing in our lives and in no way are we trying to denigrate community, You have knit us together and we need each other, and we need each other continually, yet our communities are not our God, You are our God and when we only use our community experience to try to figure out what You may be saying then we’re missing You. So, come Holy Spirit into this we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

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And speaking of staying in connected, the Daily Audio Bible Family Reunion, where the global fire comes together here in the rolling hills of Tennessee is coming up August 31st through September 2nd. This is Labor Day weekend. And we have got a camp out on the lake for all of us. We hang out together, eat together, play together, enjoy fellowship together, just kinda step out of the out of the Internet and actually create deeper and more meaningful relationships with one another. So come to the rolling hills of Tennessee and see what it's all about here, visit the Nashville area, which is spectacular. I mean, but just the camp, camp Widjiwagan is where we are out on the lake and you don’t even…I mean…it's…stay there and have a blast and never leave…there’s so much. So, you can check that out. Registration is open. Registration is quickly filling. Simply go to dailyaudiobible.com and then look for the Initiatives section and look for family reunion 2019. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app you can just press the Drawer icon in the upper left-hand corner and look for Initiatives and we will see you in mere weeks. As we've noticed time seems to go by pretty quick as we do this day by day, and wake up and realize another month has passed. So, this will be upon us before we know it and we’ll be all together for a Family Reunion. So, we’re looking forward to seeing you soon.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link, it's on the homepage and I appreciate your partnership more than words…more than words can convey. If you're using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or comment, 877-942-4253 is the number to dial.

And that is it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Yes. Good day DABbers it’s __ here from Brisbane Australia. I’d just…would really love your prayers. We’re going through, my family and I, are going through some financial hardship and it’s really coming to a halt now and we stand to lose the house and sell everything and start afresh. So, I really value your prayers. I’ve been a listener for…this is my 10th year…and even though I don’t call regularly I do…I do pray along with you and for you. I love you guys and thanks for your prayers. God, bless.

Good morning family this is, __ Michelle from Central Florida. Today is June the 11th, 2019 of course and I want to send my love to all of you and let you know I pray with you for your requests and stand with you and just appreciate all of you and appreciate Brian and Jill and China and all the people that make this podcast possible. It’s so easy for us to get swept into our day with all the things to do we have and the busyness of life. So, let’s just stop, take a moment to focus on the One who really matters. Heavenly Father, You are so good, You’re a good, good Father and we are loved, beloved treasured to children, that’s who we are, and we thank You God for Your mercies and Your kindness, which endures forever through generations. And Lord I pray for protection, traveling mercies over each of our family members today, not only our DAB family members but our children, and grandchildren, and relatives. Father, I just thank You God, just thank You so much for everything You’ve done for us. Everything You’re doing in us and everything that You’re doing through us. God, help us to be still and hear Your voice and I thank You God that You will create in us the desire and give us the power to do what pleases You as Your Word promises. Help our mind be stayed on You and therefore we will have the perfect peace which You promise and Your Word. God, we cast our cares upon You because You care for us and we’re not gonna pick them up again but if we’re tempted we’ll just be reminded…Holy Spirit, remind us to continue to cast our care and when the enemy tempts us to hold…

Hi, this call is for Toni from Germany. I heard your call at the end of the June 11th podcast, that’s when it played. And I just want to tell you that I’ll be praying for you Toni and I totally hear what you’re saying. I also have not been maintaining. So, I know what you mean. I even went to the More conference and I felt like God told me that I don’t need to work myself to death, that that is not his expectation but, yeah, I haven’t found a way to really apply that either. So, I’m working so much that I’m not spending enough time with my family and then on the weekend I’m cramming in all the things that I didn’t get done during the week at home and then I’m not as patient, not spending time with my aging parents, not exercising, and not sleeping enough. So, definitely not maintaining. So, I hear you and I will pray for you. It’s difficult, but I know that we can do this with God’s help. So, I’m thinking of you and it will be okay. Bye.

Hi everybody it’s Margo from Australia. I phoned yesterday, and my call got cut off so I’m not sure that it will get played but if I repeat myself please forgive me. Guess where I am? I’m in Liberia, finally. I’m so happy to be here. Just wanted to check in with you guys, let you know that we’re doing well, we are in good health. First impressions of Liberia, it’s very hot and humid, very rainy at the moment, very green. I think I’m gonna like it here. Our compound is quite near the beach and it’s very peaceful. So, I think that will be really good for us, very therapeutic. I think it is going to be some really, really hard things here and some really really good things here. So, please keep us in your prayers. I’m so happy to be following God’s call for my life. He’s just started something amazing here, I just know it. Our shipping of our household goods from Australia…well…actually…it’s still in Australia. I think I did already ask you to pray but please keep praying because it would be so nice to be able to just set up at home with my own things. There’s been a lot of problems and it hasn’t even left Australia…been there for five months. Anyway, just wanted to check in, tell you guys I love you. I think I’ve worked out how I can phone you from here. Hopefully this call quality is good. Still listening every day and praying. Love you all. Bye.

[bukegumin]

Personal skill development and goal

Now I have stayed at Sunderland University for five months. When I came shortly, but it was enough to make me feel worthwhile. In my opinion, this school can provide everything I want, all the facilities, teachers, and staff are professional. I have never heard of anyone who has sought academic help from a school or teacher, and the library has a lot of online databases that can download all the papers and reports you want without spending a penny. Thinking and analyzing myself for personal development is very important for my future life.

 Self-evaluation

Excellent: optimistic and positive, self-motivated, team-oriented and collaborative, with strong innovative meaning, strong hands-on practical ability, and self-learning ability. Strong enthusiasm for the cause, strong sense of responsibility, principle of doing things, calm, consider the problem is comprehensive and thoughtful; face the problem to develop a good habit of independent thinking; be honest and kind to friends, can get along well with others; the only deficiency Is a bit introverted, not very communicative, not good at expressing

 Professional values

Based on family conditions, first consider the higher-paying jobs, and have the opportunity to learn from them and gain new knowledge for the chosen career; of course, if there is no wage income limit, I will consider my favorite job first. At the same time, consider whether the job can achieve your goals or your own ideas; finally, consider whether this job is suitable for me, whether my ability is competent, and so on.

 According to my own interests and the majors I have studied, I will make a preliminary plan for the coming year as follows:

Personal development, interpersonal relationship, and willingness of the personality of the will: During this period, we will do a good job in the basic work of the career, actively complete the tasks, strengthen communication, humbly ask for advice, maintain interest in new things, and be close to the complex society. As well as people who are optimistic, I believe that there will always be solutions to any difficulties encountered, and they will dare to adhere to themselves but learn to listen to others first. Be able to uphold justice and uphold one's own principles,

Lifestyle, hobbies: In a proper social environment, try to form a regular and good personal habit, and participate in social activities such as gatherings, as well as necessary fitness activities, such as walking, playing badminton, etc. Reward social charity activities, such as actively participating in donations to help the poor, blood donation activities, and so on.

 For professional interests, although I am not sure that I am in a specific occupation, I really don't like to learn theoretical knowledge, so I am more loyal to the actual work. Maybe my hands-on ability is generally not very strong, so during college, I will focus on developing my own hands-on ability to lay a good foundation for future careers. I have always believed in my ability and treated things very seriously. I pursue to be able to do things better, to have my own opinions on things, and to learn from others' good methods and listen to other people's suggestions.

Then, Talking about the reading skills I have learned. Learn the background of this book. Before I read a book, I will quickly search the Internet to see the background of the writing, the environment, the author, and then browse the book's comments, find a concise summary of the summary, read the recommendation. This key step can help me prepare for what I want to read and let me know the author's motivation. Once the focus of reading is clear, it is time to ask specific questions. Write down five to ten specific questions that you would like the author to answer. By asking some questions before you start, you first set up an objective basis for why you read this book. These questions will make it easier for you to determine if your reading has achieved your goals when you read them. Before I start reading the first page, I will first study the catalog to see how the chapters and chapters are constructed. Then I browsed the book and the section title. Next, I read the chapter outline and even the conclusive chapter. Anything that looks like a short summary will be read first (and frankly, I often read the last page before reading the first page). Then I was ready to start reading the preface. Readers often want to plunge into the book, but the time spent viewing a book is a rewarding investment. This step will also protect me from wasting time reading mediocre books! In the process of reading, we must develop a habit of reading with purpose and focus, so that we are good at discovering key points, new problems, new ideas, and new materials when reading. Some point at the beginning and end of the article to point out the central idea, while others express the central idea through the main events, as long as the main event can quickly determine the central idea, and so on. If there is a direct discourse in the text, mark it down; if not, just summarize it in a short discourse. Thinking after reading. After you have finished reading a book, stop and give yourself some time to make a final summary and evaluation. Go back to the inside pages of the book or write these ideas in your notebook. Construct a mind map. When you finish reading a book, you can re-screen it in your mind. The blurred place can be folded back. Then you can make a mind map of the whole book (or a part) and sort out the main characters, deeds, opinions.

 Reading an English original and encountering a word you don't know, don't worry about it. You can try to guess the meaning of the word according to the context. After reading it, check it out to see if your guess is accurate. Over time, you will find that your skills are becoming more and more proficient, and you will be able to cope with the exams when you encounter words that you don’t recognize in reading comprehension.I recommend all kinds of newspapers, because many of the articles in the newspaper are commentary, and the writer persuades you to believe his point of view. This is the same purpose as the one you wrote.

 Then, with regard to word skills, my general opinion is that it can only be regarded as a kind of pure physical labor, and it requires repeated manual labor. I mean that learning English requires repeated memories. Memory is the reflection of past experience in the human brain. It includes four basic processes of memorization, preservation, reproduction and recall. Its forms include image memory, conceptual memory, logical memory, emotional memory, and sports memory.

 However, the enemy of memory is forgotten. To improve memory, the essence is to avoid and overcome forgetting. I will concentrate on my class. When you remember, you can only concentrate on your mind, concentrate on distracting thoughts and the outside world, and the cerebral cortex will leave a deep memory trace and not easy to forget. If the spirit is distracted and used with one heart, it will greatly reduce the memory efficiency. Strong interest. If you are interested in learning materials and knowledge objects, even if you spend more time, it is difficult to remember to understand memory. Understanding is the foundation of memory. Only things that you understand can remember and remember for a long time. It’s not easy to remember if you just rely on rote memorization. For important learning content, if you can understand and memorize, the memory effect will be better. Over-learning. That is, on the basis of remembering the learning materials, remember a few more times, to the extent of memorizing and remembering. Review in time. The speed of forgetting is fast and slow. For those who have just learned the knowledge, it is an effective means to strengthen the memory traces and prevent forgetting. Frequently recalled. When studying, constantly trying to recall, can make the errors in the memory be corrected, the omissions can be made up, and the difficult points in the learning content can be remembered more firmly. In my leisure time, I often recall the objects I remember in the past, and I can avoid forgetting. Audiovisual combination. Simultaneous use of language functions and visual and auditory organ functions to enhance memory and improve memory efficiency. This is much better than a single silent read.

 Then talk to manage time. The necessity of efficient manager time management Why do efficient managers manage time? This is a matter of opinion. However, because many college administrators do not manage the time scientifically and effectively, they often cause exhaustion, but they can’t catch big things, small things can’t catch them, and waste time is widespread. There are many reasons for the waste of efficient management time. Subjectively, on the one hand, it may be because managers want to do too many things, but because there is no scientific distinction between priorities and even lack of clear goals, It leads to a lack of prioritization of work, and may end up with no tail; on the other hand, it may be because it is not good at authorization, it has to spend a lot of time on specific matters, or because of hasty decision-making, the entire school time and other resources are wasted.  Objectively speaking, the reason for efficient managers to waste time comes from superior leadership, work systems, and living and working conditions. Regardless of the reason, once the time of the efficient manager is wasted, the damage to the entire department or even the entire efficiency is extremely great, which may lead to the efficient and inefficient repetitive work of the department, the unit and the whole, and the final result is not good. In order to avoid the recurrence of wasted time, it is necessary to manage the time of efficient managers. Efficient managers never have time to do everything, but by managing time, they are guaranteed to have time to do the most important things.

 According to the situation, the classification memory and chart memory are used flexibly to shorten the memory process. Or use the methods of editing, taking notes, making cards, etc. to enhance memory. best time. Generally speaking, for me, 9-11 in the morning, 3-4 in the afternoon, and 7-10 in the evening is the best memory time. I like to use the above time to memorize hard points and learning materials, and the effect is much better. Science uses the brain. Scientifically use the brain on the basis of ensuring nutrition, active rest, and physical exercise to maintain the brain. Only by preventing excessive fatigue and maintaining positive and optimistic emotions can we greatly improve the efficiency of the brain. This is the key to improving memory.

 Defining the goals that you want to achieve, making yourself aspirations for longing and pursuit, and forcing your attention to focus on reminding and urging yourself to complete tasks; second, relying on self-control and self-regulation, with a strong will All kinds of outsiders are struggling to fight, reaching out to the ears, and quietly overtaking my mood.

Mastering the rules and methods, and paying attention to scientific principles should run through the entire learning process of students. There are three steps in this learning process: one is the preparation, the second is the class, and the third is the review. Prep is to understand yourself, mainly to understand what you don't understand.

About English Listening List the words you need to pay attention to during class. List some of the words you often hear during the class. Bring this list to the class and pay attention to the words above. Every time you hear a word, make a mark next to it to see which words appear most frequently. When preparing the list, you can write in advance the words that you think need attention. For example, if you are learning about tourism, you can write more travel English vocabulary. This kind of listening practice allows you to understand and grasp the context and specific usage of these words in specific scenarios. When you are familiar with the most frequently heard words, you can turn your attention to other words on the list that are less marked. Ask your classmates. After you have learned a lot with the teacher, asking for more classmates will also make you gain something. Find a classmate who is willing to study with you. Listen to a podcast, speech, song or other audio content together, and then find some words to test each other.

Two people can learn from each other to learn from each other - some words that you don't understand, maybe your classmates understand, and vice versa. In addition to improving your English listening, this will also allow you to increase your understanding of each other and relax more in class.

 Academic planning is the most important stage of life learning habits. Hard work and hard work, every step of university life is not only a reliable guarantee for completing university tasks but also a necessary condition for future work and lifelong learning. I give myself 2 hours a day to do my favorite things. In this semester, I started to learn video production, hoping to become a good video producer, hoping to share my joy and happiness. During the video production study, I plan to collect some Sunderland videos every week to show the international students' struggle and hard work in Sunderland, hard work and sweat, harvest joy and so on.

 Improve interpersonal communication skills, learn how to behave, and learn how to do it. Carefully plan your own study plan, take the initiative to train, humbly ask the teachers and classmates to do their own work seriously, really care about each classmate, and get along with the students. Students in the school earnestly practice making friends and accumulate rich extracurricular knowledge. You should fully understand your major, consider whether you are studying or working in the future, test your knowledge and skills, improve your sense of responsibility, initiative, and frustration, and begin to selectively supplement other professional knowledge to fill yourself.

 To sum up, When you look up at the sky, don't forget to be down to earth. Looking up at the stars and down to earth must be combined. At the same time of starting a business, we must move forward step by step, and finally, achieve success. At the same time, recognize the gap between the current state and the ideal state, pay attention to the focus on time, and take precautionary measures on the risk to eliminate interference, and do not blindly compare.

[agendahammer79-blog]

Saying Young Cooks Need to ‘Pay Dues’ Before Finding Success Is Kind of Bullshit

“Why do you think you can write a memoir at age 29?”

This is the question chef Kwame Onwuachi asks himself, seated across from me at a table as the final lunch guests of the day leave the sunny Kith and Kin dining room.

It’s the same question that Washington, D.C., asked when he set out to open his first restaurant, an ambitious, pricey affair that would tell his life story, weaving Creole and Nigerian culinary influences through a multi-course tasting menu.

“I’ve heard it a lot,” he says. “I just want people to know that everyone has a story.”

Onwuachi spent his formative years in the Bronx, learning from his mother’s cooking at home and at her catering company. After teen years spent dealing drugs, Onwuachi began working in restaurants (and on a ship) and started his own catering business. His passion and obvious talent for cooking led him to the Culinary Institute of America, where he studied while working in a local restaurant and running his catering company to cover tuition costs. He externed at Per Se, and then after graduating worked in the kitchen at Eleven Madison Park.

Both experiences were educational, but as he describes in his memoir, Notes From a Young Black Chef, which hits shelves April 9, Onwuachi was also subjected to racism both personal and systemic. In the book, he calls out specific chefs in the Per Se and Eleven Madison Park kitchens, still something of a rare practice in the chef-memoir genre. “It’s not easy to call out people,” Onwuachi says. “I think it’s important if you want change to occur, if you want people to listen. With this book, I want everyone to listen. This book is for everyone. It’s not just for young black chefs, it’s just not for chefs of color. It’s just not for chefs. It’s for everyone to know that no matter what happens in life, you should just keep going.”

He left EMP to tour with the Dinner Lab, basically doing pop-ups and competing with (and consistently beating) other chefs as part of a fundraising program. Eventually, two D.C. entrepreneurs offered Onwuachi and his culinary schoolmate and fellow EMP (front-of-house) alum Gregory Vakiner a seemingly blank check to build the restaurant of their dreams, which would be the Shaw Bijou. While that restaurant was under construction, Onwuachi competed on Top Chef Season 13, finishing in the final six. His profile on the show added flames to the fire of the hype around the Shaw Bijou, and when the restaurant closed only three months after opening, it came as a shock to everyone — including the chef.

As I wrote at the time of the closure, the meta-narrative around the Shaw Bijou was troubling. A major bone of contention within D.C. was that the Shaw Bijou was too expensive, at $185. In his memoir, Onwuachi reveals the domino effect of mismanagement that led the team to need the cash from early, high-cost ticket sales. And it wasn’t just that the Shaw Bijou would be expensive. It was the audacity, as some saw it, of such a young chef (he was only 26) opening his first restaurant project at such a high price point.

Looking back, it’s impossible not to wonder whether it wasn’t also that some of the D.C. dining public simply wasn’t open to a young black chef charging so much money and asserting his confidence in the fine dining space at all. The glee with which some corners of the internet cheered the closure says a lot more about dining culture in 2017 than just the enduring power of schadenfreude; it also tells us that the restaurant industry and its diners still believe big breaks are “deserved” or “earned,” even as the goal post for what it takes to be “deserving” isn’t fixed in place.

In the first chapter, Onwuachi writes, “More infuriating is the question about to whom I should have been paying dues. It seems like the only ones keeping track are the white guys with tall hats. And how did those guys get into the club? By paying dues to older white guys with even taller hats.”

In fall 2017, he burst back onto the D.C. dining scene with Kith and Kin, which has continued to gain steam, earning positive reviews from former Eater national critic Bill Addison and the Washington Post’s Tom Sietsema. When I sat down with Onwuachi earlier this month, it was only two weeks after he learned of his place on the James Beard Award semifinalist list for rising star chef. He’s back in the spotlight again, and maybe this time, people won’t insist he’s there too soon.

This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Hillary Dixler Canavan: One major theme you really wrestle with in the book is the meaning of paying dues. Specifically, what happens when you’re paying dues to people who don’t look like you, who operate in systems that are meant to keep you out. But also, you understand why one would have wanted to work at Per Se or EMP before doing something on their own.

In the mythology of professional kitchens, there’s the idea that kitchens are for outsiders. It’s this rag-tag crew of people and if you’re a misfit out there, you’re welcome in here. In reality, there are a lot of people for whom professional kitchens are a very unwelcoming place, for many women, LGBT people, people of color. Do you feel there’s a way for this industry to make room for young people that are in that period without defaulting into the dues-paying mentality that seems to be inherently stacked against them?

Kwame Onwuachi: As a young professional of color too, you teeter on: Okay, I go here to this restaurant. I “pay my dues” and then I’ll eventually get to open up my own restaurant. The reality is you go there, nine times out of 10 it’s the unspoken racism. The not moving you up, the let’s try again in a year and see where we’re at.

It’s not necessary. For me, I had my own path and I got exposed to fine dining, one from living in New York City, two going to the CIA and seeing the opportunities that were there for the externship program. For me, it was a different narrative. At Per Se, I didn’t get paid to work there. That’s now a real reality for people in general, but where I come from, where we take care of our families: It’s a very collaborative effort, when we’re at home, I pay some of the electric bill and everyone pitches in to make ends meet. That’s not a reality for everyone.

It shows the systematic oppression. I don’t think it’s necessarily intentional, but I remember there was another kid that was an extern there and he lived downtown near Per Se. Yes, he didn’t get paid either but his rent was paid for, his parents sent him money every weekend, and he was able to get there [easily]. I had to travel all the way from the Bronx and spend two hours in transit to get to Per Se. It’s not an equal, level playing field. When I get there, I’m exhausted before I even step through the door. I remember one chef telling me I was the laziest person he had ever met in his entire life after I had to work at 6 a.m. as a backup chef for Chopped [a paid job], just so I could afford to pay rent to come here. I was noticeably tired. No one asked, “Hey, are you okay?” It was like, “What are you doing? You’re so lazy. You know that? You’re the laziest person I’ve ever met in my entire life.” Meanwhile, I’m there working for free, busting my ass.

I think what it’s gonna take to change that scope is a little more diversity within the critics, more diversity with editorial staff. It’s gonna take more diversity with people of color within the staff of these large houses in order to really seek out these places from these people of color that may not have had the opportunities to work at places like Per Se or Madison Park, or go to the CIA, or even have the opportunity to have a restaurant like this. This is amazing. I’ve worked really hard for it. I’m very proud of it. There’s a lot of people doing pop-ups, or they have a small restaurant that’s open for dinner, or it’s been passed on throughout their family. They got a chance to send their kid to culinary school, but they still have to go back home and help run that restaurant. That is what it’s going to take in order to change things around a little bit.

HDC: And of course this isn’t unique to the restaurant world. In many professions, young people hear “it’s not your time yet, pay your dues, head down.” And then there can be a real backlash against people who put themselves out there when they feel ready to instead of when they are told they’re ready.

KO: Yes, when they’re told they’re ready.

HDC: I also wonder about if some of the conditions on the ground change, would that aspect of it change? If paying dues doesn’t mean the same thing for every person. If the person next to you at Per Se was paying his dues but living rent free, it’s different.

KO: It’s a lot different.

There are a lot of people that have worked their whole lives and then they get a chance to work in a restaurant, maybe like mine, and they can get a little bit of experience. They may feel that they are ready. Who am I to say that they’re not ready to go on and do their own thing?

Who are they paying their dues to? If anything, you’re paying your dues to yourself. When you feel like you’re ready, you should be able to go out and do whatever you put your mind to. This is a very short life we live. I would hate for someone not to strive for something and always have that what if I would’ve just done this.

HDC: In the book, it seems like you’re arguing that the whole concept of dues-paying in your own story was a way to validate certain types of experiences and not others. That there is a whole range of experiences that might be relevant.

KO: It depends on what you want to do.

HDC: Related to that, one thing that surprised me is that you really named the names. You didn’t shy away from saying this is who I worked for, here’s how they behaved. Did you have any hesitation about being so honest?

KO: There’s always some apprehension when you’re, for lack of better words, being an open book. Are people going to shun me or judge me for this? Or will they be upset at me because I named names, or how dare I speak about these things that should be left in the kitchen? I think that that’s bullshit and there is no bravery in that, on my end. How am I going to prevent that from happening to the next person if I don’t openly talk about it? Give real examples about it. That’s when things stop.

When people realize, Oh man, I’ve done that. I shouldn’t do that anymore. I didn’t know that these small little racist jokes affect people. When you’re a chef, most people are just like, “Yes chef” to you. I deal with that in my own kitchen. I’m like “Hey, how’s it going?” They’re like, “Good, chef.” I tell my sous chef, “Go see how it’s actually going over there. They are just telling me it’s all good.”

We need to know that our words matter. Especially if it’s some sort of harassment. We don’t talk about racism in the terms of harassment a lot. We talk about it as yes, if something major happens like if someone was racially profiled or it is a hate crime, or something like that.

The small, subtle jokes go unheard. Those are the ones that hurt the most because they are usually in front of a large group of people. If you understand it for what it is, then it’s like you’re not cool. “We’re just joking around.” But I didn’t start joking like this. Why do you feel that you could do this?

You just have to push through that small little area of uncomfortability. Whether it’s speaking up, speaking out, or just believing in yourself.

HDC: Right now, naming names has been such a powerful part of the #MeToo movement, too.

KO: It’s important to name your abusers. I don’t have to be excited about it. I’m just telling the story. I think that’s the same thing with the #MeToo movement. They are saying what happened and that it’s not okay. It takes a lot of bravery and I’m so proud of the women that have come forward and said that, because it has sparked change. I’ve noticed it in the industry.

A lot of friends that have restaurants now have sensitivity classes around sexual harassment. We have it here about racial equality as well. I think that that’s something that needs to be talked about more and more, to have people feel included, feel welcome.

HDC: Another theme of the book is that you are still young; it’s very much about a young person finding their voice and their career path. With the opening of the Shaw Bijou and Kith and Kin under your belt, with a book now under your belt, what’s your sense for young chefs who do feel ready to express their voice? Do you feel like you have any takeaways? Is your thinking about doing that different now than it was before?

KO: Not really. I think people learn in different ways. For me, I learn a lot by doing. I couldn’t have opened a restaurant that’s successful without having another restaurant that either went well or didn’t go well. I can only learn as much as I can with being hands on. I think it depends on the chef. I have a lot of chefs that look like me in my kitchen, which is amazing. They are like, how did you do it? I’m like: “I started to do pop-ups and then I traveled around the world. Then I got an opportunity to open up a restaurant and I was scared as hell, but I did it. I failed. I tried again, and that was it.” When they are like, “What should I do?” I’m like, I don’t really have the answers for you, what you should do specifically. I know as a cook I can give you what you need to work on as a cook: Hone your craft, more importantly. Keep your station clean. The normal things of being a good chef, that’s the foundation. To garner exposure, there is a multitude of things you can do. You can start writing. You can start doing YouTube videos. You can start doing pop-ups. You have to do what makes sense for you. Maybe you want to open up a food truck after this. You can go right into that after working in this kitchen. If you want to open up a restaurant this big, maybe start with a smaller one. It depends on the person, really.

If you’re ready to do anything, I would just try it. I’ve never written a book before and I did this. When are you gonna be ready for something unless you just do it?

Hillary Dixler Canavan is Eater’s restaurant editor.

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Source: https://www.eater.com/2019/3/21/18266033/kwame-onwuachi-memoir-notes-from-a-young-black-chef-interview-paying-dues

[brain-spasm-of-musical-emotion]

Before their latest album « Murder of The Universe » is released King Gizzard and The Lizard Wizard were playing on stage at the This Is Not A Love Song Festival in Nîmes. A perfect occasion to meet Stu Mackenzie singer of the band, in order to talk about the history of this extraordinary band straight out of Melbourne.

This group of seven Australians including two drummers and a harmonica (answer to this John Dwyer) sows chaos to each of its representations. Their tours are systematically sold out and the slightest new thing from the band on the internet such as a new video or any image from instagram arouses general hysteria. Announced as the closing act of This Is Not A Love Song Festival the members weren’t all there for the following interview but we got the “thinking head” for 15 minutes.

I heard you often go doing impro in Daptone Records’ studios in New York.

We recorded a few times there and I’m In Your Mind Fuzz and Nonagon Infinity were conceived there. It’s an amazing place I’d like to go back more often but as we’re always touring we don’t really have time to stop in New-York. We don’t play a lot there so it limits the possibilities.

But now you have your own studio in Melbourne

Yes but it’s not exclusive. Sometimes it’s hard to plan to record an album ahead not knowing what’s gonna happen in the meantime nor where we will be. The fact to have our own studio allows us not to be dependent from others. It’s rather messy and empty like a box of sardines smelling like sweat but we can do everything there. It’s small but it does the job, it’s cool. Our love home-studio.

You have the reputation to compose and record your songs in one day and one take.

It was like this for “Flying Microtonal Banana” but for this album it was even worse than that giving we recorded 21 songs in 3 days. Most of the songs are actually quite basic whether it’s the lyrics, the composition or the guitar riffs. We’re used to improvise, to focus of specific chords suits and to find variations which are linked and get fucked-up. This is how we compose and record and you can hear it clearly on some of our albums. And yeah generally it works in one take. We’re the dream band of every sound engineer.

Rightly a lot of your songs overlap into one another and are very similar. Where does this whim of making albums of several songs which actually only form one come from?

I’ve always liked recordings and albums which give you the feeling of being deep in a story with a logic continuity rather than an sequence of different songs. To me it seems like the right way of making albums.

By the way, a lot of your fans are talking about “gizzverse” on the internet a term that represents the universe and the links existing between your songs, lyrics, covers, videos… Is it intentional or are your fans the craziest on the planet?

No there are definitely a lot of links which refer to previous albums. The album isn’t released yet (at the moment of the interview) and it’s kinda funny to see all these theories on the web. When the album will be out things are gonna get clearer. I think that in everything that has been thought about Gizzverse (especially on Reddit) there are a lot of ideas we wouldn’t have never thought of. It’s kinda funny seeing this frenzy.

The guy who does the covers of the band is the same one since the beginning.

Yes Jason Galea and he also does the visuals for our gigs. He follows us everywhere when he has the time. He’s like the eighth member of the band. He works next to our recording studio in Melbourne and hears everything we do so he knows exactly what to propose to us to stick to the universes of the albums. He’s super involved in visual creation and there is a great alchemy between visual and sound. By the way on the road between Primavera Nos in Portugal and Nîmes we stopped on hills in Spain to shot a new video not far from the Pyrénées.

I heard you’re pretty interested in working in the cinema too. King Gizzard’s music could make an entire movie in a horrific style like Frankenstein.

I would love to be involved in such a project. If anyone reads these lines and would like to work with me I’m in! I think the band is already in an optic where visual takes a bigger place with our videos ; which is becoming more and more necessary for bands in general.

Your last album “Murder of The Universe” tells a story with a spoken word background. We’re not far from the cinema but in an auditory trip.

It’s true we had already done something similar with our album “Eyes Like The Sky”. This albums is cut in three chapters. The first one The Tale of The Altered Beast explores the themes of temptation and tells the story of a human being who meets a hybrid and mystical creature half-human half-beast. The second one The Lord of Lightning vs. Balrog is focused on a big battle between two entities nicknamed Lord of Lightning and Balrog who represent light’s strength against darkness. The third one Han-Tyumi & The Murder of The Universe deals with a cyborg starting to becoming conscious of its nature and becomes obsessed with throwing-ups and deads. He decides to create a creature named Soy-Protein Munt Machine which only purpose is to vomit. This machine explodes and infinitely expulses throwing-ups which encompass the whole universe and destroy it. Whence the name of the album.

The person who tells the story of the album is an Australian singer signed on your record label Flightless.

Yeah Leah Senior is amazing. We recorded her second album. By listening to it I became obsessed by her voice and we decided she’d be perfect to tell the story of Murder of The Universe. She came in total impro and she killed it.

For most people when we talk about garage and psychedelic rock we usually think about California. But with your band but also The Babe Rainbom, The Murlocs, ORB, POND…. Is Australia the new psych rock nirvana?

From my humble experience, Australia has a long story with rock & roll. But I don’t think things have particularly changed these past years. There always have been brilliants bands. But I think we can still thank Tame Impala for bringing the spotlights on our country recently.

You planned on releasing five album this years. At about half of it you released two. Isn’t your bet a bit bold as you’re always on the road?

We’re gonna try! We have a few ideas we might release but the first one is already happening.

You arrived at quite a heavy moment, hard to surpass in terms of violence. How’s the suite gonna sound?

It’s the angriest album we’ve ever done. For what is about to be released at the end of the year it’s gonna be calmer. The next one will be rather mellow jazz. We worked on it with Alexander Brettin from Mild High Club, a great Los Angeles band. They came to play our Gizzfest in Australia last November. He stayed a few weeks at home and we went to the studio every day. He had dome ideas of pieces and a lot of weed. After many trips back and forth between Melbourne and Los Angeles it was finished. It will be called “Sketches of Brunswick East” It’s a bit of a meeting between our two bands it’s fun. It’s a bit unexpected as a result, it’s a weird experimental jazz, very melodic. It will happen quickly. Jason is already working on the cover.

Don’t you ever stop? Worse than Ty Segall

I think in life you can’t do nothing indefinitely. I have to continually do something because I go crazy otherwise. Uselessness kills.

We could say that with King Gizzard’s music and particularly with Murder of the Universe you are apocalypse soldiers. What do you think?

I think the world we live in is going down. I don’t know if human condition is made to last there are so many things that can happen. I think in general people are afraid to openly talk about dangers we can meet because it is scary to think about the worst. When you think about future generations, having children, environment, artificial intelligence… it’s not necessarily cheerful but it’s important to think about it and not pretend everything is alright. Sometimes I think it’s interesting to make the music I make with King Gizzard a bit fanciful and SF but we’re not that far from reality in a way. It’s kinda the challenge of Murder of The Universe to open the discussion. I don’t care about talking about death, it’s part of life.

[brajeshupadhyay]

In the mid 90s, Bill Gates released his first book, The Road Ahead, and it blew our minds. Or at least one part of it did (I never managed to read much of it). In it, Gates described the Seattle home he was then building with inlaid fiber optic cables where each room would have its own unobtrusive touchpad to control the lights, music and temperature. Best of all, as you entered a room, it’d automatically customise those elements and even wall paintings (via LCD screens) based on personal preferences, all pinged via an electronic pin everyone in the house would wear. I was reminded of that moment from a quarter century ago as I listened to a recent webinar on access to the internet in India, organised by Agami, the law and justice organisation where I work. Much of Gates’ fantastic vision has become widely available today in the form of mobile phones, smart devices and apps – all of them powered by the internet, and what he then romantically called the Information Highway. In a socially distanced landscape, addressing the 'digital ditch' is more essential than ever. Representational image from Reuters/Kacper Pempel Now in our elastically wrenching world, Gates is having another moment of prescience (as well as right-wing data hacks and conspiracy theories), this time with brighter sweaters and a thinner, papery voice. Whatever you think of him, he did baldly predict in his 2015 TED talk that “the greatest risk of global catastrophe” was not nuclear war but “most likely a highly infectious virus...not missiles but microbes”. The march of the internet into our lives, taking over every aspect and every hour, is so ubiquitous it doesn't need much emphasis or spelling out. And concurrently, neither does the fact that as more than a fifth of humanity frets under some form of lockdown and the rest practices swivel-eyed social distancing, we are all keeping up some semblance of normalcy by going online. A recent survey found that internet browsing shot up by 72 percent in the first week of lockdown in India. Online is where we are all talking and conferencing and texting, sharing parody videos, moving our money, dropping out of online courses, asking doctors about pulse oximeters, damning house cleaning bloggers, thanking recipe writers for using metric measurements, rediscovering celebrities for their shenanigans and, of course, unquenchably consuming the news and ordering more and more supplies even as we feel all Zoomed out. The new economy is not so new anymore, and it’s vital to say this aloud: Our economy is now vastly inaccessible without the internet. All the platforms, gateways and content are useless without it. Yet according to government data by the Telecom Regulatory Authority of India (TRAI), only about half of Indians have access to the basic broadband speed of 512 Kbps or more. Last year’s IAMAI-Nielsen study found an even wider gap of only 36 percent of Indians having internet access in the first place. And only a third of them are women. This is not a digital divide anymore. This is a digital ditch. Which means, half to two-thirds of the country are in an economic ditch. Much of the high speed and reliable networks have been first laid in urban centres, and the work on Digital India programmes has not kept pace with the gradually devolving economy or the current COVID-19 crisis. Perhaps some of this slowness is due to decision makers still not quite accepting that the internet has moved this fast from being a useful luxury to an essential resource? Or is it more of a lingering bias that rural or disadvantaged Indians just don't need as much internet as people like us? Either way, the numbers tell a different story. Of all ‘regular users’ in India (who accessed the internet in the last 30 days), 40 percent are actually rural users – and that base is growing much faster than the urban one. More than 50 percent of rural customers are willing to go online to buy goods. Two thirds of all existing Indian internet users are in the 12-29 year age group, and in general this age group resides much more in rural than urban India. Data usage in rural India increased by almost 100 percent during the lockdown. And all this when rural internet penetration stands at only 27 percent (versus 51 percent in urban areas). In January, the Supreme Court declared access to the internet a fundamental right under Article 19 of the Constitution. This was in response to a plea on the internet blockade in Jammu & Kashmir since last summer’s revoking of Article 370. Since then, there has been only partial lifting of the digital ban there – only 2G speeds for postpaid mobiles while prepaid sims still have to get verified – despite mounting reports that lack of high-speed internet is hobbling the medical community and accelerating the spread of the COVID-19 pandemic in the region. Justice Badar Durrez Ahmed, retired Chief Justice of the High Court of Jammu & Kashmir, as well as Rahul Matthan, Partner at Trilegal law firm, criticised such internet shutdowns at the Agami webinar. They both cited similar metaphors comparing the internet today to essential services like water and electricity, and how authorities don’t switch them off to some citizens when convenient. Now, the internet has thankfully been deemed an essential service by the Home Ministry during the national lockdown, but there doesn’t seem much more on the government’s agenda here. “I don't think the [central] government has realised how critical this infrastructure is,” Aruna Sundararajan, former Telecom Secretary of India, said at the webinar. “I served on the COVID taskforce in Kerala and we devoted a whole chapter to seeing how to ensure internet services wouldn’t get disrupted, how there’d [actually] be a 30-40 percent increase in availability. We put in suggestions that people who normally don’t have access somehow need to be given it because they’re the ones who need it the most.” Governments and companies worldwide are hustling to ensure that their citizens remain online. Chile is offering a “solidarity plan" for affordable internet in partnership with private companies, while Thailand has granted 10 GB of free data to mobile users. Egypt has given free SIM cards to students and borne the cost of a 20 percent increase in all subscribers' monthly downloads. In the US, the telecom regulator negotiated with more than 50 major internet providers to get them to agree to suspend data and speed caps, suspend shutoffs and late fees, waive installation fees, provide free service and other schemes for low-income users and open Wi-Fi hotspots for the public. Meanwhile, the major telecom and broadband companies in India have offered some initiatives like free incoming calls to low-income users, Airtel and BSNL have provided extended mobile validity and Rs 10 talktime free, while Jio Phone users have got 100 minutes and 100 SMS free. Meanwhile, ACT Fibernet has offered free upgrades of unlimited data and 300 Mbps speed, Jio Fiber has offered free 10 Mbps connections to new users and double data to existing ones, and Jio has offered free broadband in some places. Some say that in this crisis, the Indian government needs to pitch in much more such as reduce red tape to enable telecom companies to build capacity fast, incentivise them to increase data limits and subsidise costs, and even use disaster relief funds to build public Wi-Fi zones. There were a host of other solutions proposed at the webinar as well. Sundararajan said the government must build the infrastructure for 4G access for all Indians – and pointed out that this is actually possible in just 6-12 months – as well as finish the incomplete project to lay fiber optic cables for 2.5 lakh gram panchayats. Sundararajan and Apar Gupta, Executive Director of Internet Freedom Foundation, also recommended that the pending Data Protection Bill be enacted to address cybersecurity concerns as citizens go online. Justice Ahmed suggested engaging the local Legal Services Authorities across the country to provide internet and justice access to their constituencies, while Matthan emphasised the right to broadband rather than just internet as a more realistic need today. Gupta recommended voluntary pledges by telecom companies to not disconnect connections for non-payment during this crisis, actualising a network neutrality enforcement mechanism in telecom licenses for private entities, and regulatory reform in telecom suspension rules to guard against internet shutdowns. The non-profit Jan Sahas has reported that a significant proportion of the distress calls they’re receiving are actually requests to recharge mobile phone accounts. “In the next 12-24 months we’ll have restrictions of some kind,” said Sundararajan, “and the need for internet is only going to exponentially accelerate.” We can’t meaningfully talk about justice for the offline world anymore, given its sharp marginalisation from most mainstream social, political and economic activity. The fact is that those of us in the information or service economies are not the only ones who need the internet, not anymore. For most of this century, all Indians have needed it to lead fuller and fully connected lives; the big difference in the last few years is that we now also need it to be fuller consumers. And in a landscape that promises to be socially distanced for the next one to two years, all of us need it whether we are in the organised or unorganised sector. There is the case of access to justice, and there is the case for access to a healthy life. Getting all citizens online is surely the one reliable way to unite them in following mandates for the greater good while giving them a way to access basic needs. And getting everyone online would also surely create a permanent resource to help the Indian economy leap away from the cliff it’s getting overfamiliar with. Gaurav Jain is a writer, editor and entrepreneur who co-founded the digital feminist portal The Ladies Finger and the award-winning boutique media house Grist Media. He works at Agami, an organisation that inspires and enables ideas for law and justice.

http://sansaartimes.blogspot.com/2020/04/coronavirus-crisis-underscores-urgency_27.html

[captainpachacho-blog]

18 Links That'll Make You a Better SEO Beginners

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Simply by optimizing Youtube videos, your web site will get traffic from Search engines as well as the video clip publishing platform, so make certain your video titles and explanations are SEO friendly to create them rank on search. It might be the case (and I actually surmise this) that the introduction of the certain SEO technique initially synthetically raised your rankings for your own pages in a way that will Google's algorithms do not say yes to of, and once that issue is spread out throughout your own site, traffic begins to weaken or is slammed in the future algorithm update. Technical optimization consists of every thing that SEOs do to create it easier for search motors to find a website. Our SEO company ranks are based off of items like affordability, the other providers they provide, and the history they have with their present and past clients. Together with the quality content, the relevance of inbound links will also be a main aspect of SEO 2018 in order to consider. Yes, I agree along with you Karthikeyan Maruthai, We Need to Know Above Off-page SEO Strategies to Achieve Very Good Position. As mentioned over, speed will be paramount regarding SEO in 2018, leading all of us on to Accelerated Mobile Web pages (AMP). Therefore, on top of content advertising, SEO now should be significantly aligned with your company's PAGE RANK efforts. For these reasons they have each a huge SEO value (it's one of the most essential ranking factors), along with a clickability” worth (it serves as a inspiration for people to click). The particular SEO trends and technique in order to rank websites higher changes quick because of the emergence associated with new technologies and changing client behavior. It is often used simply by mobile users on a huge scale which made it the powerful SEO trend for this particular year. SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION trends in 2018 considers the particular important issues SEO practitioners require to think about in 2018 as well as the path taken by travel search motors and SEO in general. In case you know you have EXTREMELY low-quality doorway pages on your own site, you need to eliminate them or rethink your SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION strategy if you want in order to rank high in Google regarding the long term. Brian Dean stated that With out Keywords there is no this kind of thing as SEO”. The strategies in online marketing and advertising are as competitive or mainly because quickly evolving as search motor optimization (SEO). As the particular main foundation elements of SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION for example keywords, metadata and optimised images will remain an essential part of an SEO technique, this will no longer become the main priority. one. Guest Posting - Link developing will be a huge SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION practice in 2018 and past, since it has been for very some time. Ultimately, success within SEO in 2018 and ahead is determined by creating amazing content plus which makes it as simple as possible for search motors to understand precisely what that will content is about. SEO is a marketing and advertising discipline focused on growing presence in organic (non-paid) search motor results. It will be helpful in the event that you share some on-page SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION tips and how to carry out a keyword research.

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How to Recover From a SEO Low Ranking

SEO is the complex service which has in order to be down to a technology to be able to assist content push its method in order to the top of Google's complicated algorithms. Because such, the SEO's job nowadays is more than keywords plus back links. Regardless of the particular year, SEO goes where individuals go as they search plus find answers that apply in order to the planet around them. This seemingly simple process provides spawned a world of marketing and advertising techniques and consultants whose principal skill is advising businesses within the usage of SEO to market their brand. Katia Myroniuk is the marketer and founder at Searcheva, the #1 SEO services business for SaaS businesses. When coping with local SEO, it will be imperative to generate quality inbound links from other local businesses or even publications. Generally there are LOTS of voice lookups in the world of nearby SEO. HTML Sitemap is one of the little factor for SEO ranking. From SEO in order to PPC, content marketing and internet development, we will dive into the particular latest predictions and provide a person some tangible suggestions to think about on-board in preparation for the particular new year. SEO content re-emphasizes the objective and meaning of what precisely is seen on the site, and it also increases ranks. The demand for AMP is expected to increase by 2018 and believe adoption of AMP will keep on to lead the top SEO trends. However, SEOs tend to prefer links increased on a page. On the SMB side, there is a higher expectation of SEO performance however often an inability to finish (or pay-to-complete) hours dedicated towards improving content, links, or on the web branding, ” which are almost all important to growing performance. Advanced SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION really doesn't have everything in order to do with acquiring links to get a Website. As a good SEO, this means that a person have to significantly raise your own standards around quality content plus links in order to accomplish top search engine rankings. This will end up being a growth opportunity for content material marketing-specific agencies and a essential and justified budget line product for in-house SEO teams. People love to gain access to the internet while they are usually on the go, meaning regional SEO is going to turn out to be much more popular. SEO means search engine optimization. Google, the world's most utilized internet search engine, is every single eager to keep webmasters, SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION experts and businesses on their feet. By giving you an SEO tool that will give you a unique regarding just how much your organic traffic may be worth, along with keeping track of external links and monitoring competitors. The results also emphasize the value of creating fresh at ease with your SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION marketing strategy. Fortunately, for SEO-focused keyword analysis, these two tools are good enough to generate thousands of possible keywords. Local SEO will carry on as a popular SEO plus digital marketing trend in 2018 for local businesses. With the passing associated with time, search engines such since Google, Yahoo keep on altering their algorithms for SEO. Interpersonal SEO is not a individual branch of SEO plus it will not soon be replacing traditional SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION, but social signals have turn out to be increasingly integrated into search motor algorithms. Using his exclusive connections in the business globe, he helps ecommerce brands develop their audience through influencers, inbound links, on-page search optimization and specialized SEO -- all rank their brands higher on Google. Regardless of whether we are talking site acceleration, personalized SEO, or even Google's RankBrain, we are still speaking about delivering the best probable experience to the user. In the year 2018, the particular SEO marketers will change their particular game and will definitely change their focus beyond the position and revenue issues. 1 SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION may target different kinds associated with search, including image search, video clip search, academic search, 2 information search, and industry-specific vertical research engines. From my perspective SEO people are going to have the harder time ranking this yr than last based on just about all the changes that are happening. I do find though that will Content is still king plus putting lots of articles out that will hit your target market's lovely spot may be the way to proceed. Whether you are usually a marketer or a company owner, or even a firm for SEO, it's always advantageous to research and learning brand-new SEO tactics. I'm curious - sometimes along with your chapter-based guides, you have got them all on a solitary page like this one, yet sometimes they're separate pages along with an overview page like a type of intro + table associated with contents, like the Keyword Study for SEO Definitive Guide. More significantly for us as SEOs, it indicates that the power of hyperlinks to rank websites is arranged to decrease, as well since the power of good user-engagement metrics on the website (and anything that improves them) will be increasing. Even as we head in order to 2018, SEO is becoming progressively important as more businesses are usually aware they require it in order to get found online. If youโ€d like to know more about doing keyword research that will give a boost to your SEO activities, head over to our completeย long tail keywords research guide and find out some of the FREE tools in action. Black head wear SEO is really a place of unethical practices to enhance rankings of a website within the search engine results web page. Google and other major lookup engines take the SEO name and display it within the particular search engine result pages. Here's a listing of Best SEO Companies compiled by GoodFirms which will help your web site rank better with regards to traffic plus visibility. Since the competition to get on best of search engines gets harder, the need to adapt in order to these shifts in SEO furthermore increases. The particular work we do as SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION professionals is more about enhancing our websites to provide the better experience for users, which usually subsequently the actual search motors want to reward us. As Search engines continues to refine its enigmatic search algorithm to deliver customers the most relevant results, SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION professionals and pundits across the particular globe have taken note associated with a growing number of SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION trends and strategies that are usually poised to be the potential of SEO. That's why SEOs are usually starting to aspect in the intention behind each search query plus optimize the content and consumer experience accordingly. As Bing's Duane Forrester said, all SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION Ranking signals revolve around content material of some kind” highlighting the particular impact good content has upon your blog. Coming up with refreshing and unique ideas day within day out is incredibly tough, however necessary to keep your own site not only relevant plus engaging for the audience, yet optimized for search engines such as google. Soon after this article focused around a major on-page SEO factors that will impact the search ecosystem was published by Google, a debate about prominent Offpage SEO trends that can disrupt the world of SEO in 2018 sparked in the industry. Nonetheless, auditing your competitors SEO gives you new ideas on how you can grow your local business, improve its SEO, target new keywords, and beat your competition in the process of doing so. SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION involves communicating aboutness” in the specific context to both human being users and technology. Because a result, SEOs increasingly follow accelerated mobile pages and enhance the user experience for cellular: from page load time in order to navigation, information architecture, and style. It can important to realize that research engines don't use meta explanation being an SEO ranking aspect. Similarly, the SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION Tips and Techniques expects several changes to images and video clips in the year 2018. Basically, they adhere to a process of including forthcoming SEO trends to promote the website's rankings, thereby boosting expert and visibility of a company. On the additional hand, you can't build hyperlinks from fashion related blogs or even articles for your SEO suggestions article. If you possess an eCommerce website (or actually any website), then you certainly need SEO to help a person bring in more high-intent visitors, which will likely convert directly into qualified leads or sales regarding your business. You should change your very first image This video is standing #3 for the keyword โ€SEO strategyโ€… today your video is definitely ranking #2 for that key word. We aren't saying that will SEO page ranking is simply no longer relevant; it is nevertheless, but it's a little even more complicated. SEO helps us create websites that are more search-engine pleasant, and sites that deliver the much better user experience. 1. Whenever you publish an SEO-optimized movie on YouTube, you improve your own visibility in Google as the whole. The importance associated with keywords in SEO has transformed a little bit. What is more essential to understand that SEO is currently changing so that as we all move towards the year 2018 only focusing on organic possibilities really should not be your ultimate goal, rather using the evolution search engines right now there are multiple in order to increase your own site rankings. Many respondents furthermore anticipated User experience, user objective, link building, knowledge graph plus social media to be 1 of the major trends in order to influence the SEO industry within 2018. The particular channel could be a group of different things: SEO, compensated search, email marketing, content marketing and advertising, etc. Focusing on user intent and attempting out these 19 SEO ideas is a recipe for visitors success. Many marketers selected to drive their modern advertising engine with the fuel associated with Video SEO in 2015. SEO will create sure you blogs get discovered and drive traffic. In 2018, SEO technique should consider how we eat visual content, and how research engines go beyond text in order to learn changing search habits. So, the bottom level line is that when a person want to pace with all of us SEO trends, you need in order to consider both keyword optimisation plus content relevancy. Well, the new SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION Trends focus on more pictures, videos, links, social Medias, post listings, followed by widgets plus ads. Then read all about the particular 4 most important (technical) SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION trends for 2018. Because so much posting now happens on major cultural media platforms, social signals might become as important to SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION as time on page, content linking, and content quality. Off-page SEO services assist customers to boost their visitors, increase brand awareness, helps a person to reach the target target audience and maximise your(ROI). Off-page SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION is the act of enhancing your brand's on the internet and offline to get high quality backlinks that help to position high on Google along with other Research Engine's. These types of SEO Trends of 2018 are usually ruling the digital world. Key word density is really a main thing in SEO optimization, however, to increase the density a person cannot ruin the quality associated with the content. In 2018, your SEO success won't rely on how well you boost your site for Google. Video clip marketing, infographics, link building had been among the most talked SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION trends for quite a whilst now, however if you have got limited yourself with only these may not earn you advantages that are to be provided by other effective methods that will you might not have identified. Search engines nearly makes possible for breaking the code of its web page ranking algorithm, continually updated in order to accommodate a thousand different problems, which will be the problem for SEO professionals this yr and in the coming yrs. This will also help you spy on the competition's content advertising efforts, determine what queries your own website ranks on in numerous countries and what your best SEO pages are. Parenthetically a search motor optimization company wants to position for the term "Best SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION Company", the title of the particular webpage or post that is usually being optimized should start with those keywords. White Hat (and successful) SEO is not about ‘gaming' Google, or other search motors for that matter. Mobile SEO is mobile research engine optimization or optimizing articles for a better search motor ranking. So how should businesses make use of SEO as a marketing technique? SEO efforts may involve the site's coding, presentation, and framework, as well as difficulties that will could prevent search engine indexing programs from fully spidering the site. I am a good expert SEO and in this particular article I will highlight several important SEO tips that you ought to stick to in order to secure great search engine ranking positions. The objective of a increased ranking in the SERP h is to increase quality plus quantity of the visitors the site by creating content plus resources that are relevant in order to target audiences searching for specific information-SEO helps businesses get discovered online. Within this guide I'll explain to you exactly how to get the most SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION value from the Google Keyword Adviser. As a CMO, you more than likely cringe when you hear the word SEO” (search engine optimization), because why don't face it — it's not probably the most pleasant marketing tactic to strategy, strategize and execute. First, understand that schema markup is one of the particular most powerful, least used components of SEO today Schema are usually basically brief snippets of information that can give extra details to find users and search motors. We already understand that User Experience for SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION will become a lot more important within 2018, such as UX will be a major ranking factor. Along with increasing your transformation rate, reviews may also assist to increase the effectiveness associated with your SEO efforts, because user-generated content is a consistent supply of unique and fresh articles that you didn't have in order to pay an employee or service provider to write for you. In today's rapidly moving world, SEO techniques can alter on the dime—and the most severe part is that you just might not even know this. Hacks which could have received you a front-page result simply because recently as 2016 are outdated now, but they may also hurt your website's rankings. It's a really good and knowledgeable blog to enhance your SEO ranking. Take some time plus find out about your Meta titles, description, URL readability plus how to earn featured thoughts and site links SEO's close to the globe are taking click through rate seriously claiming it in order to be one of the best ranking signals. Bing has confirmed that will they track unlinked brand plugs SEO 2019 Slide and use them as the ranking signal — and the patent by Google (along along with observations from many SEO experts) indicates that Google may become doing this as well. I've seen success with producing videos lately and am searching forward to utilizing your SEO ideas to help my videos position on page 1. Plus SEO professionals are absolutely thrilled about this new opportunity due to the fact featured snippets provide a opportunity for low-ranking pages to get at the particular top of search results along with almost zero effort. Away from page SEO refers to strategies that can be used in order to increase the positioning of the website in the search motor results page (SERPs). Long gone are the times when keyword placement and back links guaranteed success in SEO. I think the particular #1 trend for 2018 within SEO is going to become Google Voice. Links and technical SEO are usually the largest items of the quiche, but multimedia efforts such because video, photos, and podcasts will certainly be the game changer plus differentiator in many competitive marketplaces. Back in the wild-west times of SEO, Google wasn't therefore great at identifying the partnership between semantic keywords. Changes searching algorithms and within people's search habits and the particular preferences of mobile over desktop computer are changing the world associated with SEO. SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION (Search Engine Optimization) has turn out to be the driving force behind effective web-based companies. Lookup engine optimization strategies and SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION best practices that were as soon as effective a year ago may not become useful today. You are able in order to build links from Digital Advertising or content marketing blogs as well, because these are (SEO, Electronic Marketing or Content marketing) carefully related topics. Whenever talking about those factors, Items focus on blog SEO — optimizing blog posts for appropriate keywords. With the changing associated with yet another year, now is usually one of the best occasions to ponder the latest SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION trends. Last but not really least, we cannot mention the particular latest SEO trends without speaking about voice search. Keyword research is about finding those terms so you can use them properly in content optimization and SEO generally. When it comes in order to setting up an SEO technique, the rise of voice lookup brings out the need in order to focus on more long-tail research keywords and a natural vocabulary that matches the user's conversational build. They accomplish this simply by increasing their website rank via a method called SEO or even search engine optimization. Simply by optimizing Youtube videos, your web site will get traffic from Search engines as well as the video clip publishing platform, so make certain your video titles and explanations are SEO friendly to create them rank on search. It might be the case (and We surmise this) that the introduction of the certain SEO technique initially unnaturally raised your rankings for your own pages in a way that will Google's algorithms do not accept of, and once that issue is spread out throughout your own site, traffic begins to weaken or is slammed in the future algorithm update. Technical optimization consists of every thing that SEOs do to create it easier for search motors to find a website. Our SEO company ranks are based off of points like affordability, the other providers they provide, and the history they have with their present and past clients. Together with the quality content, the relevance of back links will also be a main aspect of SEO 2018 in order to consider. Yes, I agree along with you Karthikeyan Maruthai, We Ought to Know Above Off-page SEO Strategies to Achieve Very Good Rank. One region of focus for greater marketing SEO performance in 2018 could be the confluence of content, influence, plus social. The above SEO developments & tactics research from your study conducted by the team associated with GoodFirms must have given a person rich apprehension for dealing along with the Search Engine Optimization associated with the website. Algorithmic chasers, technical SEOs, and Google Design followers should hone their specialized skills to focus on growing voice search technologies and AI applications. Once you have got a variety of keyword concepts, you can then use all of them for on-page SEO, improving your own content, building helpful pages plus finding relevant sites in your own niche. Search queries like Chinese language food near me” or greatest auto mechanic near me” supply the perfect opportunity for regional SEO to capitalize on possible customers. In this free e-book, we will discuss everything a person need to find out to start a good effective Local SEO campaign intended for your business. The SEO trends 2018 want to cover all this extremely well. Search Engine property says that As early since 2014, 55% of teens plus 41 percent of adults had been already using voice technology daily, plus in 2017 there is the drastic change in the entire world of SEO according to Search engines study 41% of USA grownups use voice search in the daily basis to avoid keying on devices. Just because the SEO world is altering, so should we. Here are usually three SEO trends quickly reshaping the keyword research concept plus with it the way within which we brainstorm, create, plus optimize content. Best SEO techniques are usually based on writing content structured on popular search keywords yet it also depends on the particular responsiveness of your website. Therefore, in accordance along with the latest SEO trends plus techniques, make sure you enhance your site with both video clip and image searches. DareBoostย โ€By using DareBoost, you can get a very detailed web performance and quality report of your website. ย They also explain how to fix the problems from the report precisely so that you can optimize your loading time and technical SEO.

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How to Create an Ebook Your Audience Will Actually Want to Download

If you have a blog, run a company, or are just trying to make a name for yourself in your field, you’ll probably know that there are few tools like a book to assert your thought leadership, and gain new clients or followers.

Dubbed as “the new business card” by James Altucher in 2012, books are more powerful than ever. They carry a sense of authority, of “seriousness.” This is why so many bloggers offer them as lead magnets, or content upgrades or exit popups. People love books, and if you offer them a relevant one for free, they’ll give you their email for it.

Now, while everyone nowadays can write and publish a book, doing so still requires a lot of effort and dedication. And because so many people are doing it, you really want yours to stand out.

In this post, I’ll share three indispensable tools you’re going to need if you want to create a proper, professional-looking ebook, and a bonus one to make the process even simpler!

1. Evernote to write your book “on the go”

You’ve probably already heard of Evernote as a note-taking app, right? Well, it can be just as handy for putting your book together.

Writing non-fiction requires a lot of discipline to organize all your ideas into a solid, logical outline, and still incorporate a sense of narrative throughout the book.

But the first step is generally always to write down all your ideas. That’s what some people call a “brain dump”, you put everything that comes to mind – everything you think could go into your book – onto paper. Then, once you have all your ideas written down, you can start organizing them into sections.

That’s where the Evernote app comes in handy. You can create a note for each section, and paste the relevant ideas in it. It’ll help you visualize your whole book as you write it.

More importantly, the really cool thing about Evernote is that you can access it from any device, at any time. Say an additional idea comes to you during a commute, you can just pull out your phone and write it into the right note section.

Or say you’re on a plane, with no internet connection, you can still open Evernote and keep writing your book. Heck, it’s what I’m doing right now with this blog post, at 35,000 feet up.

Finally, contrary to Word, or Google Docs, Evernote will rarely crash on you, even with tens of thousands of words in there.

Bonus tool: Dragon

Dragon is one of the most advanced speech-recognition software out there and used by many authors I know to simply dictate their books (whether it’s into Word, Scrivener or Evernote).

So, if you’re one for speaking instead of writing, give it a try. It’ll cost you $75 for the basic version on PC (on Mac, only the $300 “professional” one is available) but might save you a lot of time.

2. Reedsy Book Editor for formatting

Alright, let’s say everything is now written and ready in Evernote. How do you turn it into an actual book that you can send to your subscribers when they join your mailing list?

First, let’s take a look at what “a book” really means. Technically speaking, books can be found in three formats:

PDF (also the format used for printing it)

EPUB: the most common ebook format

MOBI: the format used by Amazon’s Kindle

Ideally, you want to send your subscribers your book in all three formats or let them choose their preferred one. That way, if they want to print it, they’ll get the PDF. If they want to add it to their iBooks library, they’ll get the EPUB. And if they want it on their Kindle, they’ll get the MOBI.

So the question becomes – how do you produce these three files and make sure your book is perfectly formatted and readable on every device?

That’s where the Reedsy Book Editor comes in. This tool lets you simply paste your book into it, apply some finishing touches, and then export the files you need – both for ebook and print. And the best part is, it’s 100% free.

The process is quite simple:

1. Copy and paste your book, chapter by chapter, in the Editor’s interface (this is the only time-consuming part).

2. Use the formatting bar to apply any finishing touches (links, endnotes, quote formatting, etc.)

3. Head to the export page, choose a template and select the files you want.

The process is quite intuitive, and you can customize your book with drop caps, images, captions, and more. For a full breakdown of its functionalities, take a look at this post on how Reedsy’s book formatting software works.

3. Bookfunnel for delivering the book

Alright, you now have all the files you need to get your book on your readers’ multiple devices.

One way to deliver your book is to set up an email automation that sends readers a link to download your book every time they sign up to your list through your lead magnet. The trouble with this is, a lot of Kindle devices won’t load .mobi files that were just received by email (instead of downloaded on the Kindle store).

So you will likely end up doing a lot of customer support and receiving technical questions from readers that you won’t know the answers to…

This is why a lot of professional authors now use Bookfunnel. It’s a smart solution that takes care of delivering the book – in the right format – for you.

The way it works is you sign up for an account, create a book, and then upload the different files for that book (EPUB, .mobi and PDF). Then, what you share with your subscribers is a link to a Bookfunnel landing page.

On that page, the reader will be able to indicate their preferred reading device. Then they’ll receive the right file along with instructions on how to get it on their device. Goodbye customer support!

Bookfunnel starts at $20 per year, though this plan will limit you to five books and 500 downloads per month. If you have a big following and expect more downloads than that, the $100/year plan should have you covered.

Wrapping up

And that’s it! You should now have everything in place to start capturing leads with your brand new, professional-looking lead magnet.

Of course, there’s also more you can do with an ebook than just using it as a lead magnet. Even if you’re giving it away for free on your website, I suggest you also upload it to Amazon (via Kinde Direct Publishing) and other ebook retailers (via Draft2Digital or Pronoun) and make it available for free there as well.

The more ways and places people can come across your brand, the better!

Guest author: Ricardo Fayet is one of the founders of Reedsy, an online marketplace connecting authors with the world’s top editors, designers and book marketers. He likes to imagine how small players will shape the future of publishing and is the author of several free courses for authors as part of Reedsy Learning.

The post How to Create an Ebook Your Audience Will Actually Want to Download appeared first on Jeffbullas’s Blog.

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