#the withdrawal symptoms have officially started

[milkteafaeriie]

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[prozach27]

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[mynqzo]

this guy (me) got off their antidepressants officially baby. they were prescribed to me by a doctor at the ER I went to for stomach problems early this year because they said I 'look a bit sad' and knew I had sleeping issues. started taking them and was not informed of side effects or what would happen if i went off them cold turkey - which i did a month later!

i had the worst month of my life after that, having the worst pain ever, cluster headache, shakiness, etc, and i thought i was going crazy until i researched the reasons for this myself, and begged the doctors to help me of course lmao (thrice).

since then i have been tapering my medication for 5 to 6 months now and got to the point three days ago where the next step was to get off them entirely. and believe it or not, the withdrawal symptoms, while still awful, are not as bad as they were at the beginning of the year so yipee!

idk i just wanted to share this because i am 1. struggling and 2. proud of myself nonetheless and have my fingers crossed most of these pains will clear within a week or so!

the worst thing is that (and this is just a ramble) that this medication was misprescribed to me. i had anxiety yes, but this was not something they (the docter) asked about or i think cared for? like i said, i went there because i had a stomach virus and left with medication for something completely different because they apparently believed my vibe was too sad. this should have never happened if they didn't rush to prescribe me something to keep them out of their hair. huff. sigh even.

[matan4il]

Daily update post:

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a message from Yahya Sinwar (the Hamas leader inside Gaza) was passed to Hamas leaders who live outside of it, and the essence of that is not to worry, because Sinwar believes they have Israel exactly where they want it. In other words, when Hamas is estimated by Israel to have at least 12,000 of its terrorists killed, and despite the fact that they could stop the death of Gazans by releasing the Israeli hostages and surrendering, Sinwar doesn't see any issues with where the war is at. I think the most important part is this: "According to the report, Sinwar also told the Hamas officials that the terror group is prepared for Israel’s expected operation in Rafah, the Gaza Strip’s southernmost city, and is relying on the high civilian death toll reported by the Hamas-run health ministry to cause enough global outcry that Israel is forced to withdraw" (my emphasis). At what point do people realize that they are serving the interests of Hamas' mass murderers, kidnappers and rapists?

A few days ago, I wrote about the attempt to allow aid trucks into northern Gaza directly from Israel, instead of bringing it to the south, and waiting for Gaza-based elements to deliver it to the north. This means an escort of Israeli soldiers is accompanying the trucks. This is the route the aid trucks cross:

Today, these aid trucks were stormed by a huge crowd, and according to the IDF, many people died from pushing and trampling (at the link you can see aerial video footage of the stampede), not an unheard of phenomenon when a huge herd of people all rush in at the same time. On top of that, some Gazans were also advancing at the soldiers securing the aid trucks. The soldiers felt undr threat, and they opened fire at those charging at them, but according to their estimate, this accounts for only 10 of the dead. Still, you can count on the anti-Israel crowd to adopt a narrative that, immediately and without investigation, calls this a massacre and blames every single death on Israel, not on Hamas, which started the war that made even aid supply into a dangerous and complicated situation.

Here's a reminder that even in the middle of the war, when no one is paying attention to it, Israel continues to demolish illegal homes built by Jews. But you're never gonna hear about it, not even during more normal times, because it doesn't fit the anti-Israel narrative, so anti-Israel sources will only ever tell you about it, when Israeli demolishes illegal homes built by Arabs.

As threats to British Members of Parliament (MPs) are rising due to threats from the anti-Israel crowd, the UK has allocated bodyguards to some of them, along with 31 million pounds designated for the security of British democracy. If some of the most powerful people in Britain are that scared, what do you think Jews there are going through? Indeed, today we heard that 72 million pounds are meant to help secure Jewish centers and institutions in the UK. The problem is that until the root of the problem will be tackled, this is just taking care of the symptoms, instead of curing the disease.

Israeli security forces have stopped two Palestinian cousins, one 17 years old and the other 29 years old, from carrying out an independent terrorist attack. I refer to such attacks as independent in order to point out that they're not a part of some greater plot, unlike every single terrorist attack on Oct 7, which were all interconnected, and rocket attacks since, which are launched as a part of the war that Hamas started waging against Israel. However, some of these attacks ARE connected to Hamas. Apparently, these two cousins contacted Hamas in Gaza to get help in committing their intended crime.

This is 59 years old Michel Nissenbaum.

He made alyiah on his own from Brazil when he was 13 years old. Friends say that coming to Israel saved him. He worked in hi-tech, as well as a tour guide, and volunteered with Bedouin kids. Here he is with one such group:

On Oct 7, Michel heard that the Re'im IDF base was under attack from Hamas terrorists. Knowing that his granddaughter was there, visiting her dad, Michel decided to go there and get her out. While he was making his way to the base, he stopped responding to messages. His granddaughter was rescued from the place hours later, but Michel himself had disappeared. He's believed to be kidnapped in Gaza, but his family is scared, because he wasn't spotted in any of the pics or vids released by Hamas.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[kokoch4n3l]

DEAD GIRL'S BEACH࿐ྂ KUROKAWA IZANA x f!oc x SANO MANJIRO

ELEVEN — what was i made for?

"There's a chilling sense of control in Mr.Kurokawa's demeanour, as if he's always one step ahead, anticipating the reactions of those around him. It's as if he views the world as his own personal chessboard, with everyone else merely playing their roles." —MAYA'S ROUGH NOTES ON K.I

chapter summary: Izana gets carried away and Kakucho and Maya do damage control, bringing them right back to the start.

warnings: dark content 18+, character death, depiction of corpses, corruption, slight religious themes, suicide mention, suicide attempt, suicide ideation, self-loathing, slight hanagaki takemichi slander, scarring, bite marks, implied relapse, drug use/misuse, mentioned drug addiction, withdrawal symptoms for unnamed drug, possibly unrealistic/inaccurate withdrawal care, possessive!izana, betrayal, mentions of past torture methods(noncon drugging, waterboarding, noncon, noncon waxplay, first degree burns), emotional manipulation, mental health issues, MAJOR dubcon, unprotected sex, no prep, piv, making out, nipple play, hair pulling(m), multiple orgasms, tummy bulge, creampie, implied cockwarming, implied dissociation, aftercare, possessive!manjiro, noncon, mirror sex, coercion, forced orgasms, hair pulling(f)

word count: 13774

masterlist | previous | chapter 12

Naoto often thinks about Maya. When he starts thinking about her, he doesn't stop. He thinks about her death, goes through the evidence over and over and doesn't stop till Hinata tells him that it was enough. But just how was he to explain to his sister that things didn't add up with Maya's death when the only answer he'll get from Hinata is: "You're looking too deep into it... I know you liked her but you're feeling guilty... that's all"

His poor sweet sister. Hinata had no idea she was hanging out with people that are affiliated with the gang that caused her death in 5 other timelines. Naoto is frustrated and there is no one he can confide in. Alone with his thoughts, Naoto finds himself consumed by a sense of helplessness, a gnawing frustration at his inability to uncover the truth and protect those he cares about. Maya's memory haunts him, her death a stark reminder of the dangers lurking beneath the surface of their seemingly ordinary lives.

As Naoto meticulously pores over the evidence from the scene of Maya's supposed suicide, his keen eyes catch a crucial detail that sends a chill down his spine. In the photographs of Maya's charred remains, one glaring absence stands out—a distinct lack of the necklaces she always wore. Furrowing his brow, Naoto zooms in on the images, scrutinizing every pixel for any sign of the delicate chains that adorned Maya's neck without fail. But no matter how closely he looks, there's no trace of it, not even a glimmer in the ashes.

It's a discrepancy that can't be ignored. Maya cherished those necklaces— they were real gold. She wore it every day, never once removing it so why wouldn't it be here or in the evidence or among her stuff recovered from the apartment she booked? Maya fucking loved those necklaces so there was no way she wouldn't be wearing them.

The realization hits Naoto like a ton of bricks. This isn't just an oversight—it's a deliberate omission, a glaring inconsistency that casts doubt on the official narrative surrounding Maya's death. With a sinking feeling in his gut, Naoto realizes the implications of this omission. If Maya's necklace isn't among the evidence, then it's possible that her death wasn't a suicide at all—it could have been staged.

As he sifts through the photos once more, Naoto's mind races with possibilities. Was Maya's death orchestrated to look like a suicide? And if so, who would go to such lengths to cover up the truth? The pieces of the puzzle start to come together in Naoto's mind. Kurokawa Izana was discharged the same day the hospital director of Sunshine Grove reigned and disappeared off the face of the earth, the other employees resigning and disappearing as well and that day being the last Maya is seen. But who would benefit from Maya's death, and why?

Could Kurokawa Izana be connected to Maya's disappearance? And if so, what role did he play in her supposed death?

But as Naoto considers the pieces of the puzzle, a new, daring possibility takes root in his mind. What if Maya isn't actually dead? What if she's still out there, waiting to be found?

The idea ignites a spark of hope within Naoto, driving him to redouble his efforts in unravelling the truth behind Maya's disappearance. With determination burning in his heart, he sets out to follow this new lead, determined to uncover the fate of the woman who has captured his thoughts and haunted his dreams.

(At this point, no one could be trusted. Not even Matsuno Chifuyu and Hanemiya Kazutora. Anyone wit affiliations with the Tokyo Manji gang, whether present or past, was now a threat.)

Maya's mother was a surgeon and her father was a mechanical engineer. They weren't exactly religious either. Maya wonders if they were, would she be going through this?  As Maya ponders her parents' professions and lack of religious affiliation, a wave of nostalgia washes over her. Memories of her childhood flood back, painting vivid scenes of her family's home and the moments they shared together. Her father, with his tinkering tools and inventive mind, would regale her with tales of his latest engineering projects, sparking her curiosity and igniting her imagination. Their home was a sanctuary—a place of warmth, love, and acceptance. Maya was free to explore her interests, pursue her dreams, and chart her own course in life. It was a far cry from the dark and twisted world she finds herself trapped in now. But as Maya reflects on her upbringing, a sense of longing creeps into her heart. She yearns for the safety and security of her parents' embrace, for the comfort of their words and the strength of their presence.

She feels worse as she realizes she no longer remembers what their faces looked like or how their voices sounded. It had been so long since her father's passing and her mother's suicide. She was 13 then and now she's 22. As Maya grapples with the weight of her memories, a profound sense of loss settles over her like a heavy blanket. The passage of time has blurred the lines between reality and remembrance, erasing the sharp edges of her parents' faces and the cadence of their voices from her mind. She closes her eyes, trying in vain to conjure up their images, to recall the sound of their laughter and the warmth of their embraces. But all she finds is an empty void— a void filled with echoes of the past, faint whispers of a time long gone. At this point, she might as well have been an orphan all her life.

But her parents loved her of course.

Her father loved her.

Her mother loved her.

But her mother didn't love her enough to stay alive after the passing of her husband.

Maya had never been enough for anyone— not even her own parents. Part of her hates Chifuyu. Just why did he have to be at the park the evening she was going to kill herself? Dying would have saved her from a whole bunch of pain. She wouldn't have lost her virginity to Chifuyu and been rejected, she wouldn't have been drugged, and she wouldn't have been kidnapped out of her fucking workplace, waterboarded, tortured, burned, and then betrayed by a false saviour.

No one in this stupid beach house had made anything easier for her. Not Izana, not Mikey, not even Kakucho.

Kakucho had seemed like a healer at first— reviving her after Izana drowned her, constantly patching her back together, helping her with the burns on her back. But at the end of the day, he was still a gangster, he was still Izana's closest aid, and he was still the dark knight. Not her knight in shining armour but Izana's dark knight with dented and bloody armour.

Kakucho is not a friend and might as well be someone involved in Izana's ploys of breaking down her spirit and betraying her. Maya could care less about who Kakucho thinks she's like. She isn't that guy. She's her own person. She refuses to let Kakucho's nostalgia for whatever childhood friend he lost shape her future or how and why she runs from Mikey and Izana. That other guy that ran just seemed like a damn coward. Running because he didn't like where Tokyo Manji Gang was headed, running even though he had so much influence over Sano "Mikey" Manjiro, running when there was no actual threat to his life.

Maya hates him.

She hates him, Kakucho, Izana and Mikey.

Fuck all of them.

Fuck that motherfucker, fuck Kakucho, fuck Izana, fuck Mikey, fuck Chifuyu, fuck Kazutora, fuck the Tokyo Fucking Manji Gang. She hates all of them and hopes they all go to hell. She hates them all for making them feel this way.

She always had so much love but nowhere to put it. It's as if she's been searching for something or someone to share her love with, but each time she reaches out, she's met with rejection or betrayal. Whenever there is someone to love, they suck it out of her greedily. Just keeping taking and taking and taking till there's nothing left to take. Maybe it's her own fault. She wore her heart out on her sleeve and just gave love to everyone that wanted it. Why did being kind and loving only give her pain in return? Why did everyone like to only take from her?

Why is it that she never learned her lesson after getting he heart torn out over and over.

"Maya..." Kakucho is at the door of the master bedroom

It's early in the morning, about 9:30 am, she feels like actual shit even after showering. The bite mark on her shoulder from Izana has healed but it will scar. "Yes?" She asks

Mikey was still out with Sanzu for some business thing. Apparently, he'd be returning either today or tomorrow. "Uh well..." Kakucho looks nervous and stressed

His hair is a mess and he's wearing his glasses. He wasn't even dressed yet. "So uh... Izana is having withdrawals..."

Maya's eye twitches in annoyance, her inner doctor coming back after so long. "and who's amazing idea was it to give drugs to a recently recovered addict?"

Kakucho just shifts uncomfortablely. "please can you just... can you come help me? You're a psychiatrist and you helped him before at the other hospital... You can do it now too"

Maya's muscles tense as Kakucho's words sink in, her frustration bubbling to the surface. Dealing with Izana's withdrawals is the last thing she wants to do, especially after the ordeal she's been through herself. But she knows she can't ignore Kakucho's plea, no matter how inconvenient it may be. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Maya meets Kakucho's gaze with a resigned expression. "Fine," she concedes reluctantly. "I'll help."

As they make their way towards Izana's room, Maya can't shake the feeling of dread settling in her stomach. Dealing with Izana in this state is bound to be challenging, to say the least. But Maya knows she has to do whatever it takes to prevent the situation from worsening. Maybe she doesn't like him but as a doctor, she has an obligation. As she steps out of the master bedroom she realizes this was the first time she had been out of the room. The house was decorated similarly to Mikey's bedroom with huge windows displaying the beach outside and just an overall homey feel. She never thought a place like this would be her prison. Kakucho leads her to Izana's room and Maya hesitates. She could run now. She really could. There was no one else here but her poor weak heart would just feel too much guilt.

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid she keeps thinking as she enters Izana's room. The blinds and curtains were drawn and the lights were off. There is a lump under the covers and if she looked close enough Maya could see it trembling. She hadn't been present for the start of when Izana was admitted into Sunshine Grove. She didn't know what his withdrawal symptoms were or how he was doing through it. She was only there during the detox. This right here, was new territory. "what are his symptoms?" Maya asks quietly to Kakucho

"um... similar to yours but no hot flashes. Just cold and he's got really bad mood swings" Kakucho says looking really nervous "Headaches, he threw up earlier... Uh... He was hungry..."

Maya nods and reluctantly walks over to Izana and kneels on the bed next to the lump under the comforter he is under. She feels a knot form in her stomach as she realizes the weight of the situation she's stepping into. This isn't just about providing medical care; it's about navigating the delicate balance of emotions and power dynamics that exist between her and Izana. Gathering her resolve, Maya gently pulled back the covers to reveal Izana curled up beneath them. His breathing is shallow and uneven, his face drawn with discomfort. Despite her own reservations, Maya can't help but feel a pang of sympathy for him in this vulnerable state.

Oh god did she feel so stupid.

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Maya reaches out to brush a lock of white hair away from Izana's forehead. His skin feels clammy to the touch, and she can sense the tension radiating from his body. "Hey," Maya murmurs softly, her voice barely above a whisper

Izana's response is a low, guttural groan as he shifts restlessly beneath the covers. Maya sighs inwardly, steeling herself for the challenges that lie ahead. This won't be easy. She flinches when he suddenly grabs her hand and presses it to his cheek. He shudders and mumbles something unintelligible under his breath. Maya watches as he curls into himself, his breath coming in ragged gasps. Had she been like Izana, she would have made him beg like he did to her. But she isn't like Izana so instead she asks "Does your head hurt?"

As Maya waits for a response, she can see the struggle playing out on Izana's face. His brows furrow in discomfort, his teeth chattering slightly as he curls tighter under the covers. She senses his agitation, the chill seeping into his bones and exacerbating his withdrawal symptoms. Finally, Izana manages a hoarse denial, his voice strained. "N-No," he stammers, his breath coming out in shaky puffs. "I'm f-feeling really f-fucking c-cold."

Maya's heart aches at his words, her empathy for him warring with the lingering resentment she harbours. Before Maya could say anything, Izana suddenly sat up and pulled off his hoodie, throwing it to the floor and leaving him in just a white undershirt. "Izana what are you—"

Before Kakucho can even finish his sentence, Izana is pulling Maya down onto the bed, laying on top of her. "H-Hey—" she tries to say

"Shut up" Izana mutters, his face buried into the crook of her neck "You're warm"

Maya's initial instinct is to push him away, to resist his sudden closeness, but she finds herself frozen in place as Izana's weight presses down on her. His warmth envelops her, a stark contrast to the coldness that had gripped him moments ago."Izana, this isn't—" Maya tries, but her protest is cut short by another one of Izana's hushed commands.

His words send a shiver down her spine, but she can't deny the underlying vulnerability in his tone. For a moment, Maya hesitates, unsure of how to respond to Izana's unexpected gesture. A big part of her wants to push him away, belittle and humiliate him the same way he did to her but... Maya was too weak. She couldn't get herself to do that to him and Maya hated herself for it. Instead, she avoids Kakucho's gaze and pulls the blanket further up Izana's shoulders, covering his bare arms and his exposed shoulders. "Do you... Need anything?" Kakucho asks slowly

"No..." Is all Maya says

Kakucho nods and leaves. A shudder goes through Izana as he clings to Maya tight. She goes stiff when his hands slide under her shirt and rest on her ribs. His skin is cold to the touch. Maya wants to belittle him. She wants to make him beg. She wants to humiliate him. But she can't get herself to and it's probably the worst feeling ever. She was never an eye for an eye person. She wasn't like that. Maya was too nice for her own good, even at her own expense. So instead of doing all the horrible things she wishes to do, Maya wraps her arms around Izana's shoulders, running the nails of one hand up and down the back of his neck. Izana sighs and just rests all his weight on her.

In the quiet of the room, Maya finds herself grappling with conflicting emotions. She's torn between the desire to protect herself and the innate compassion that compels her to offer comfort to Izana in his time of need. It's a battle she's fought countless times before, and yet, each time, it leaves her feeling conflicted and uncertain. But as she feels Izana's breath steady against her skin, his grip loosening ever so slightly as he starts to fall asleep on top of her, Maya finds herself relenting to the quiet intimacy of the moment. With a heavy heart, Maya resigns herself to the role of reluctant caretaker, knowing that she's bound by duty to tend to Izana's needs, even as she struggles to reconcile her conflicting emotions. And as they lie entwined in the darkness, Maya can't help but wonder how they ended up here, bound together by threads of fate and circumstance, their destinies intertwined in ways they never could have imagined.

She's just there, in his bed, crushed under all his body weight, pinned between him and the mattress with his cold hands under her shirt looking for warmth and face in the crook on her neck. She shifts slightly, trying to find a more comfortable position beneath him, but his grip remains firm, holding her in place against the mattress. The intimacy of the moment hangs heavy in the air, the warmth of their bodies mingling in the confined space of the bed. Maya can feel the steady rhythm of Izana's breath against her skin, the soft brush of his lips against the curve of her neck sending shivers down her spine.

Despite the tangled mess of emotions swirling within her, Maya finds herself instinctively running her fingers through Izana's hair, the strands soft against her touch. With each gentle stroke, she feels a strange sense of calm wash over her, a fleeting moment of peace amidst the chaos that surrounds them. Izana lets out a low, contented sigh at her touch, his grip on her softening ever so slightly. His breath tickles the sensitive skin of her neck as he nuzzles closer, seeking solace in her warmth. It isn't long till the shivering stops and he has fallen asleep, completely lax on top of her and crushing her with his weight. He's pressing down on her ribs and it's hard to breathe but Maya doesn't dare complain.

They come back a full circle.

Izana as the patient and Maya as the doctor.

This time, there was no pristine white doctor's coat, secure rooms with magnetic locks, CCTV cameras or security guards— only this time, she knew what was wrong with him.

There was just Maya and Izana and her all-too-soft heart.

"Why did you cut your hair?" Izana asks, lazily twirling a short curly strand of Maya's hair between his fingers

Hours later he was awake and was making no move to get off her. Maya hesitates for a moment, caught off guard by the unexpected question. She shifts slightly beneath Izana's weight, the pressure of his body against hers a constant reminder of their closeness. "I... I needed a change" she replies softly, her fingers still idly tracing patterns on the back of his neck.

Izana hums in response, his grip on her tightening ever so slightly. His other hand is still under her shirt, no longer cold thanks to her body heat. "Is it 'cause Matsuno broke your heart?" He asks casually "I heard girls cut their hair when they get their heart broken"

Maya's breath catches in her throat at the mention of Chifuyu. She hadn't expected Izana to bring him up, especially not in this vulnerable moment. How is it that Izana is still vying for control even while he's so vulnerable? She closes her eyes briefly, gathering her thoughts before responding. "Yes..." there was no point in lying to him when he already knew the truth— having forced it out of her weeks ago "I wanted to forget everything Chifuyu said about me so I cut my hair... Someone once told me hair holds memory so I cut it and then I felt better..."

Maya's admission hangs heavy in the air, the weight of her words settling between them like an unspoken truth. Izana's fingers pause in their gentle exploration of her hair, his gaze searching hers with a mixture of curiosity and something else she can't quite decipher. "I see," he murmurs, his tone neutral but his eyes betraying a hint of something deeper "But I have to admit, I liked your hair long much better. It suited you. I was pretty disappointed when I saw you cut it so short"

Maya's heart flutters nervously at Izana's unexpected confession, his words stirring up a whirlwind of conflicting emotions within her. She hadn't anticipated him expressing any sentiment about her appearance, let alone disappointment over her haircut she did herself weeks ago. It's a strange sensation, hearing him speak so candidly about something as trivial as her hair when there are far weightier matters hanging between them. "Sorry to disappoint," Maya murmurs, a faint hint of sarcasm lacing her words as she avoids meeting his gaze or just looking down at him in general while he's lying on her chest

She's acutely aware of the warmth of his body pressed against hers, the way his fingers linger in her hair, and it's all she can do to keep her composure in the face of such unexpected intimacy. Izana chuckles softly, the sound sending a shiver down Maya's spine. "No need to apologize," he replies, his tone light but tinged with something that feels uncomfortably like possessiveness "but don't cut it again, alright? I want you to grow it out long"

That wasn't a suggestion but a demand. Maya's heart sinks as she recalls the promise she made to Izana, the weight of it settling heavily on her shoulders. She had vowed to be his, to submit to his desires, and in that moment, it felt like there was no escaping the hold he had over her. With a resigned sigh, she nods slowly, her voice barely above a whisper as she agrees to grow her hair out. "Okay," she murmurs, her tone heavy with defeat as she concedes to Izana's demand. "I'll grow it out."

Izana's grip on her hair loosens slightly, a satisfied smirk playing on his lips as he leans back, his gaze lingering on her with a possessive gleam. "Good girl" he purrs, his words sending a shiver down Maya's spine

She wonders just how absolutely shameless this guy could be. Just hours before he was shivering and trembling, desperately curling into her arms for warmth and now he was being a little shit again as if none of it happened. Izana shifts himself more so he's fully on top of her again, crushing her ribs, knocking the breath out of her lungs, his thigh pressed between her legs. "You're so sweet to me, y'know that bunny" Izana murmurs, his face in Maya's neck again, lips brushing against her skin "Came here to take care of me... So sweet"

Maya's breath catches in her throat as Izana's weight presses down on her, his closeness suffocating yet strangely comforting. She can feel the heat radiating off his body, the tension in his muscles palpable against her skin. Despite the discomfort of his position, Maya finds herself unable to push him away, her resolve weakening under the weight of his words. "I... I just want to help," she stammers, her voice barely above a whisper as she struggles to maintain her composure.

The intimacy of the moment leaves her feeling exposed and vulnerable, her heart racing with a mixture of fear and uncertainty. Izana's lips brush against the sensitive skin of her neck, sending shivers down Maya's spine as she tries to suppress a gasp. His touch is both electrifying and terrifying, a potent reminder of the power he holds over her. "You're so good to me, bunny," he murmurs, his voice low and husky against her skin. "So sweet."

He goes still again after that. His lips just rest against the curve of her neck. They're both silent again and if it wasn't for Izana's fingers rubbing circles into her ribs, Maya would have thought he was asleep. Izana's hands ignite a firestorm inside her. Had this situation been any different, she would have craved it— craved him. But it's not an ideal situation, this danger. "Hey bunny..." Izana murmurs

"Yeah?"

"How did you feel when Matsuno broke your heart?"

It's an odd question, something she didn't expect him to ask her. "I was sad"

"Yeah fuckin' obviously. But what did you feel?" Izana moves himself, his hands on either side of her head as he's now hovering over her face

She's staring up at him. He isn't his usual golden-tanned colour due to the utter shit he was going through due to the withdrawal. His breath is hitting her lips. He isn't so close to her face but it feels like he is. "I felt like shit... I didn't wanna come to work that day but they wouldn't give me a day off" Maya says quietly

Izana brushes a curly strand away from her forehead. "hm... So you came late that day 'cause you got your heartbroken...?"

"Would you want to come to work if the person you liked for years broke your heart?" Maya counters back

Izana's gaze softens, his fingers tracing a gentle path along Maya's jawline as he considers her question. "No, I suppose not," he admits, a hint of vulnerability creeping into his voice. "But I don't have the luxury of letting my emotions dictate my actions. I have responsibilities."

Maya can sense the weight of Izana's words, the burden of his role as the number 3 of the Tokyo Manji Gang weighing heavily on his shoulders. She knows all too well the pressure he faces, the constant need to maintain control and uphold his image of strength and authority. Even being in a gang is hard work she supposes. "I understand," she replies softly, reaching her hands up, her fingers threading through the strands of his hair as she tries to offer him comfort.

Despite everything, she can't help but feel a twinge of sympathy for him, a glimpse of the vulnerability beneath his tough exterior. Izana leans into her touch, his eyes closing briefly as he savors the warmth of her embrace. "Thank you, bunny," he murmurs, his voice barely above a whisper. "For being here."

Her eyes widen at his words, not at all having expected him to say that. He's saying that as if she choose to be in this damn beach house. No wait. Izana mean thanks for taking care of him. It's odd. Seeing him suddenly be so vulnerable. Just what did he want from her this time? What stupid trick was he playing on her? But she doesn't ask, and instead says "how are you feeling now?"

His skin isn't that cold anymore but he's still very clearly feeling like shit. "I've been better"

She isn't too sure what else to say, going stiff when his thigh presses against her crotch. "D-Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

Izana presses his forehead against her's and sighs quietly. He takes one of Maya's hands and laces their fingers together, pinning it down beside her head. He's acting sweet. Izana has been acting this way ever since he revealed that Mikey was lying to her— since the day Maya promised to be his. Maya's heart pounds in her chest as Izana's actions send a jolt of unease through her. She can't shake the feeling that there's something more to his sudden change in demeanor, something lurking beneath the surface that she can't quite grasp. She watches as Izana's eyes search hers, a hint of vulnerability shining in their depths. "Izana..." Maya begins, her voice barely above a whisper as she struggles to find the right words.

But before she can say anything else, he leans in closer, his lips hovering just inches from hers. "Stay with me," he murmurs, his breath warm against her skin as his forehead stays against hers. "Just for a little while longer."

With a silent sigh, Maya relents, allowing herself to be drawn into the web of Izana's embrace once more. He's being sweet, somewhat, he won't be like this for long. Maya can't help but wonder— if Izana had played the long game with her the same way Mikey did, would she have felt just as betrayed as she did when finding out what Mikey had done? Would Maya have felt her heart shatter the same way? She isn't able to look away from his orchid eyes as she brings her free hand up to his hair, tangling in the white strands. After a while Izana moved his head back away from her so he could look at her face properly then said "You're gorgeous. Have I ever told you that?"

That was unexpected. Her fingers stay tangled in his hair. "Well... You call me a lot of things"

"I feel a lot of things for you too" Izana admits

She's silent for a moment, her nails gently scratching against his scalp. "Is that why you won't let me go?"

"Yes... I'm greedy... I want you for myself"

"I know" Her voice comes out as a small, breathless whisper before she says "Would you like something to eat? You need something to be eating properly while recovering"

Izana takes the hand he's holding and kisses the back of it. Maya isn't too sure how to react. These were the things Mikey did to her, not Izana. Izana was calculated words, control, the need for dominance and control, he was fear and terror and uncertainty. Maya didn't know Izana could be like this and she isn't sure if she likes it better, especially after Mikey. Oh god, Mikey didn't even know that she knew yet. He hadn't been back home since Izana revealed the truth to her. "Yes... I'd like that" Izana says then moves off her

Izana is no longer crushing her ribs but it still feels like she can't breathe.

The sun is shining through the large windows of the beach house. Maya is cooking, stirring the pot of soup. Kakucho is sitting on the bar stool in front of the kitchen island with an unknown expression on his face. Izana on the other hand, is standing behind her, arms around her waist and his chin hooked over her shoulder. He's holding her like he's her lover and Maya really isn't sure how to feel. Maya can feel Izana's warmth enveloping her, his presence both comforting and suffocating at the same time. She tries to focus on the task at hand, stirring the soup with more force than necessary, trying to ignore the way his arms tighten around her waist. Kakucho's gaze flickers between Maya and Izana, a mixture of concern and uncertainty evident in his expression. He opens his mouth as if to speak, but then closes it again, seemingly unable to find the right words to say. As the silence stretches between them, Maya can't help but feel a sense of unease settling over her. This domestic scene feels foreign and surreal, a far cry from the chaos and violence that usually surrounds her. She wonders if this is just another one of Izana's games, another way to exert his control over her. "I fuckin' hate vegetables so this better be good" Izana mutters, his hands slipping under her shirt to rest on her bare lower stomach

She can feel the heat of his hands against her skin, his fingers tracing idle patterns on her stomach, sending a shiver down her spine. His skin is no longer cold but it might as well be with the way he's making her feel. "It will be... You can take my word for it" Maya replies quietly

Kakucho shifts uncomfortably in his seat, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Uh, maybe I should help with something else," he suggests, looking for an excuse to leave and not be a third-wheel

But before Kakucho can make a move, Izana tightens his grip on Maya's waist, his touch bordering on possessive. "No, you stay right there," he says, his tone laced with a hint of warning.

Maya's heart sinks at the possessive edge in Izana's voice. With a heavy sigh, Maya focuses on stirring the soup. "U-Uh Kakucho you can take out the bowls" she says, in hopes of making the situation a little lighter

Kakucho nods, grateful for the chance to escape the palpable tension in the kitchen. He quickly stands up, grabbing a few bowls from the cupboard and setting them out on the counter. "Sure thing," he says, his voice a bit strained as he busies himself with the task.

Meanwhile, Izana's grip on Maya tightens slightly, his fingers digging into her waist possessively. "You're mine, aren't you?" he murmurs, his breath warm against her ear.

Maya's heart skips a beat at his words, a mixture of fear and uncertainty swirling inside her. She doesn't know how to respond, torn between the promise she made to Izana and the lingering doubts in her mind. "I... I don't know," she admits quietly, her voice barely above a whisper.

Izana's hold softens slightly, his touch gentler as he leans back to look at her. "You said you are," he says, his gaze intense as he searches her eyes for any sign of resistance "You told me you'd be mine so are you still mine?"

Maya's heart pounds with conflicting emotions as Izana's grip tightens around her waist. She felt the weight of her promise pressing down on her, the words she uttered in a moment of weakness now binding her to him. Despite the uncertainty swirling in her mind, she knows that she can't go back on her word. "I... I am," Maya whispers, her voice barely audible above the sound of her own racing heartbeat

The admission feels like a betrayal to herself, but she knows that denying Izana now would only lead to more pain and turmoil. Izana's expression softens slightly, a hint of satisfaction flickering in his eyes as he leans in closer. "Good girl," he murmurs, his breath warm against her ear. "You belong to me, bunny. Don't ever forget that."

Maya just hums, not knowing what else to say. Izana presses a kiss to her ear and she resists the urge to shiver. "Uh... Sanzu texted. Said he and Mikey will be here tomorrow morning" Kakucho says

Maya's heart sinks at the mention of Mikey's impending return, a mixture of apprehension and uncertainty swirling inside her. She knows that his presence will only complicate things further, adding another layer of tension to the already fragile dynamic between her and Izana. "Great," Izana mutters, his tone laced with irritation, burying his face in Maya's hair "Just what we need..."

Maya's stomach churns at the thought of facing Mikey again, her mind flooded with memories of their complicated history together. She knows that their reunion will inevitably bring up painful emotions and unresolved issues, and she's not sure if she's ready to confront them. She doesn't know if she'll be able to pretend that she doesn't know he was lying to her. Oh god, Maya thinks she'll be sick.

Soup was soon ready and Maya finished eating first. She excuses herself and goes back to the master bedroom— Mikey's room. Alone in Mikey's room, Maya sinks onto the edge of the bed, her thoughts swirling with a tangled mess of emotions. The familiar surroundings offer little solace as she wrestles with the conflicting feelings that weigh heavily on her heart. She stares at the view of the beach in front of her and stands up. She stands in front of the double doors, staring at the beach past the deck. The waves crash against the shore. Unconsciously, her hand comes up to the doorknob. She knows it's probably locked but just as she's about to twist it, the door swings open, revealing Kakucho standing there, his expression unreadable. Without a word, he steps into the room, closing the door behind him. Standing beside Maya, he joins her in staring out at the beach, the rhythmic sound of the waves filling the room. "you okay?" Kakucho asks as Maya lets go of the doorknob

Maya nods stiffly. "Yeah... 'm fine"

A moment of silence washes over them but only for a moment. "Maya about what I said to you..." Kakucho starts "About running..."

She looks at him. "yeah?"

"Stay."

She furrows her brows in confusion. "W-What?"

Kakucho rubs the back of his neck, a look of guilt in his eyes. "Stay with Izana. Stop trying to run"

Maya's heart sank as Kakucho's words hit her like a heavy blow. The sense of betrayal wells up inside her, mingling with frustration and confusion. Just a few days ago he told her he believed in her that she could get away just like that guy that did years ago. So why did he change his mind? "Why?" she asks, her voice trembling with emotion.

Kakucho meets her gaze with a solemn expression, his eyes reflecting a mixture of regret and concern. "Izana wants you and... and you're good for him"

"But what about me?" she demands, her voice cracking with emotion. "What about what I want?"

This wasn't fair. This wasn't fucking fair. Why was this happening to her? It felt like she was being robbed of her agency, forced to sacrifice her own desires for the sake of someone else's happiness. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. Kakucho's expression softens, his gaze filled with empathy as he reaches out a hand to gently touch Maya's shoulder. "I know it's hard, Maya. But sometimes, we have to make sacrifices for the greater good" he says softly, his voice tinged with sadness.

Maya pulls away from his touch, her fists clenched in frustration. "And what about my happiness? What about what I need?" she challenges, her voice trembling with emotion "There is no greater good in this situation, just a fucking sociopath that wants a pet and that pet happens to be me"

Kakucho's eyes widened, a conflict evident in his expression as Maya's words pierced through him. He took a deep breath, mustering the courage to speak. "Maya, I... I can't let you leave," he admitted, his voice wavering with uncertainty. "I care more for Izana than I do for my own morality."

Maya's heart sank at his confession, feeling the weight of his words bearing down on her. She struggled to comprehend how someone she trusted could prioritize the well-being of another over her own autonomy. "So, what? I'm just supposed to sacrifice my happiness for yours and Izana's?" she retorted, her voice tinged with bitterness.

Kakucho's gaze faltered, guilt flickering across his features. "I know it's not fair to ask this of you," he began, his tone heavy with remorse. "But Izana... he's not in a good place right now. He needs you, Maya. And I... I need to protect him, even if it means making difficult choices."

Maya's fists clenched at her sides, frustration boiling inside her. She felt trapped, suffocated by the weight of Kakucho's expectations. "That's not fair... That's not fucking fair" Maya says angrily "I got drugged and kidnapped right out of my workplace, drugged again, waterboarded and drowned—"

"Maya" Kakucho tries cutting her off but she just keeps going

"—drugged till I was addicted, went through withdrawals, taken against my will multiple times"

"Maya"

"got hot wax poured down my back, had first-degree burns on my back all while I was going through withdrawals," She says, her eyes teary now "Just why should I stay for him, when all he's done is hurt me?"

Kakucho's expression softened, his gaze filled with sorrow as he listened to Maya's anguished cries. He reached out a hand to gently touch her shoulder, offering what little comfort he could in the face of her pain. "I'm sorry, Maya," he murmured, his voice heavy with remorse. "I know it's not fair, but Izana... he's not well. He needs help, and you're the only one who can give it to him."

Maya shook her head, her heart heavy with the weight of her suffering. "But what about me?" she whispered, her voice barely above a sob. "What about my pain? Who's going to help me heal?"

There was a moment of agonizing silence as Kakucho struggled to find the words to comfort her. He knew there were no easy answers, no simple solutions to the pain she had endured. All he could do was offer his support and hope that Maya would find the strength to persevere. "I wish I had an answer, Maya," he admitted softly. "But all I can offer you is my support. I'll be here for you, no matter what."

"no, you won't Kakucho..." She whispers

He doesn't answer after that and only sighs. Maya watches Kakucho reach into his pocket and pull out a key. Maya watches in silence as he puts it into the keyhole and she hears it... lock? Her heart drops at the realization that the door has been unlocked this whole time. "W-What?" she whispers

Her freedom was right there. It was right there and now it was... gone. Her freedom was right there. It was within reach, tantalizingly close, and now it was slipping through her fingers, lost to the cruel whims of fate. The realization hit her like a wave crashing against the shore, overwhelming her with a sense of helplessness and despair. "It was unlocked this whole time?" she choked out, her voice trembling with emotion.

Kakucho's gaze remained fixed on the door, his expression unreadable. "I'm sorry, Maya," he murmured, his voice heavy with regret. "I can't let you leave. Not now."

Maya's heart pounded in her chest, panic clawing at the edges of her consciousness. She felt trapped, suffocated by the confines of the room, with no escape in sight. Tears welled up in her eyes as she struggled to contain the flood of emotions threatening to consume her. "Please," she pleaded, her voice barely audible. "Let me go."

But Kakucho remained silent, his gaze fixed on the locked door, his decision final as he left the room. And as Maya sank to the floor, her spirit broken and her hope extinguished, she knew that her fight for freedom had come to an agonizing end.

"what cha' thinkin' 'bout?" Izana asks

He's lying on top of her again, his weight pressing down on her ribs, not letting her breathe properly. Maya's heart skipped a beat as Izana's voice broke through her thoughts, pulling her back to the suffocating reality of the present moment. She swallowed hard, her throat feeling dry as she struggled to find the right words to respond. "Nothing," she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper, her eyes fixed on the ceiling above.

But Izana wasn't one to accept evasive answers. He shifted slightly, his weight bearing down on her even more as he leaned in closer, his breath warm against her ear. "You're lying," he accused softly, his tone tinged with amusement.

Maya tensed beneath him, the weight of his body pressing down on her making it difficult to think. "I... I was just... thinking about everything," she admitted reluctantly, her voice barely audible. "About... about how we got here, I guess."

Izana hummed in response, his fingers idly tracing patterns on her stomach. "You're mine now, Maya," he murmured, his voice sending shivers down her spine. "And I'm not letting you go."

Maya's heart sank as she heard Izana's possessive declaration, his words a stark reminder of the chains that bound her to him. She closed her eyes, a heavy weight settling in the pit of her stomach as she whispered softly "I know."

A short silence washes over them, Izana's face resting in the crook of her neck again. He had a headache earlier which made him pretty fucking irritable but now it was gone. "Izana..." she says quietly

"hm?" his lips created a slight vibration against the curve of her neck

"What if I didn't come to work that day? What if I just stayed home that day and didn't show up to the hospital?" Maya asks him, her fingers tangled in his white hair

Izana's response is a low, contemplative hum as he shifts slightly, his breath warm against Maya's skin. "If you hadn't shown up that day..." he begins, his voice trailing off for a moment as he gathers his thoughts. "Well, things would've been different, wouldn't they?"

Maya's heart clenches at his vague response, a flood of uncertainty washing over her. She had expected him to offer some reassurance or clarity, but his words only served to deepen the sense of unease gnawing at her conscience. "Different how?" she presses, her voice tinged with apprehension.

Izana's grip on her tightens slightly, his fingers tracing idle patterns on her back as he considers his response. "I suppose we'll never know, bunny," he murmurs cryptically, his tone betraying a hint of amusement. "But even if you didn't show up, I would've brought you here anyway... Would've dragged you out of your little house."

Maya's breath catches in her throat at Izana's words, a chill creeping down her spine at the realization of just how little control she had over her own fate. She had always suspected that Izana's intentions toward her were far from benign, but hearing him admit it so casually sent a shiver of fear coursing through her veins.

"You would've... dragged me here?" she echoes, her voice barely above a whisper, her mind reeling with the implications of his words.

Izana's grip on her tightens even more, his touch bordering on possessive as he presses his lips against the sensitive skin of her neck. "Of course, bunny," he purrs, his breath hot against her skin "It wouldn't have been as fun as chasing you through the hospital but you would've been here with me"

Maya doesn't know why she expected a different answer from Izana when she already well knows how this crazy bitch thinks. After all, she's seen firsthand the lengths he's willing to go to get what he wants. But knowing doesn't make it any easier to accept the reality of her situation. "It was cruel of you to do that all that the same day I got my heart broken" Maya mumbles, trying to lighten the situation

Izana chuckles softly, the sound sending a shiver down Maya's spine. "Cruelty is my specialty, bunny," he replies, his voice dripping with amusement. "Besides, it's not like I planned for Matsuno to break your heart that day. It just happened to work out in my favour."

Maya forces a weak smile, trying to play along with Izana's twisted sense of humour. "Lucky me" she mutters under her breath, her attempt at levity falling flat in the oppressive atmosphere

A thought passes through her head and then she asks "What about Mikey?"

"Manjiro? What about him?" he replies, fingers tracing circles on her ribs again

"What will he think about all this?" Maya clarifies 

Izana's fingers pause their motion, his expression turning slightly contemplative at Maya's question. "He's got his own world to worry about," he replies nonchalantly, his touch resuming its gentle circles on Maya's ribs. "Trust me, he won't mind."

Maya's brow furrows in concern, uncertainty gnawing at her. "why won't he mind?"

Mikey seemed like the possessive type— even more than Izana was. So just why wouldn't he mind? Izana chuckles softly, the sound carrying a hint of amusement as he meets Maya's gaze with an enigmatic smile. "Because, bunny, you're mine and Manjiro is mine too"

Maya's brow furrows further, confusion evident in her expression as she tries to decipher Izana's cryptic words. "What do you mean, we're both yours?" she asks, her voice tinged with uncertainty

But that's when it hit her. Izana saw her as a pet, a possession. Something to own. She was a toy for him to play with. Izana saw Mikey the exact same way. Mikey was a toy for Izana to play with, the same way Maya was a pet for him. As the pieces of the puzzle fall into place, Maya's heart sinks with the weight of understanding. Izana's twisted game becomes clearer, his manipulation extending beyond just her. She recalls faint memories, fragments of conversations heard through the haze of drugs and confusion. Izana's whispers poisoning Mikey's mind, turning him into a pawn in his cruel game. The realization hits her like a punch to the gut. Izana saw them both as objects to manipulate, to control, to possess. Mikey, his own brother, is reduced to nothing more than a pawn in his relentless pursuit of power and dominance. Anger simmers beneath the surface of Maya's composure, fueled by betrayal and indignation. How could Izana be so callous, so cold-blooded, to toy with the lives of those closest to him? And how could Mikey, blinded by loyalty or perhaps ignorance, allow himself to become ensnared in his brother's web of deceit? Mikey may have lied to her but what if she wasn't looking deeper into it? What if there was more to Mikey's lies that Izana hadn't told her about? But she holds back these thoughts, feeling even more sick as she keeps thinking and decides to change the subject. "Why did you take drugs again?" She asks looking at the back of his head "You recovered didn't you?"

Izana hums into the curve of her neck, seemingly accepting the topic change. "yeah... I dunno... I felt like I needed it and I got carried away without Kakucho noticing and then this happened"

Maya listens to Izana's response, a mixture of frustration and concern bubbling inside her. "But you were doing so well," she murmurs, her voice gentle, not wanting him to think she was in any way disappointed because she wasn't— Maya knows and has seen how hard it is recovering from addiction "Why would you risk everything by taking drugs again?"

Izana's grip on her tightens slightly, his breath warm against her skin as he shifts his weight. "I don't know, bunny," he admits quietly. "Sometimes, it's just hard to resist the temptation."

Maya's heart aches at his words, the complexity of Izana's struggles weighing heavily on her mind. Despite everything, she can't shake the feeling of empathy towards him, even as she grapples with her own conflicting emotions. "You know you can talk to me about these things... I'm still technically a psychiatrist..." she says softly, her fingers gently stroking his hair

Izana chuckles softly, a wry smile playing on his lips as he turns to face her. "You're a persistent one, aren't you?" he teases, his eyes meeting hers with a mixture of amusement and affection. "But I suppose that's part of why I keep you around."

Maya feels a little stupid for being this way with Izana after all he's done. Maybe it was because not once he had lied to her. Because he had been truthful the entire time. She feels stupid for unconsciously looking for affection in such a violent place and from such a violent person. Yet, there's a raw honesty to Izana that she can't ignore. He may be brutal and ruthless, but he's also authentic in a way that few others are. In a world filled with lies and deceit, his transparency is both refreshing and unsettling. But Maya knows she can't continue to delude herself. She's playing a dangerous game, dancing on the edge of a cliff with Izana as her partner. Maya is about to say something until she feels one of Izana's hands start to trail up higher on her ribs, the tips of his fingers grazing against the band of her bra. "lace?" He murmurs "lemme see"

Maya's breath catches in her throat as Izana's fingers linger on the edge of her bra, sending a shiver down her spine. The gentle touch of Izana's fingers against her skin ignited a firestorm of conflicting desires. "I-Izana" she mumbles nervously as he lifts himself off her, hovering over her body

Izana's lips curve into a knowing smile as he leans in closer, his breath warm against her skin. "Don't worry, bunny," he murmurs, his voice low and seductive. "Just wanna take a look"

But Maya can't shake the feeling of vulnerability that grips her, the sense of being caught in a web of desire and deceit. She knows that she should resist, that she should push him away and reclaim control over her own desires. But as Izana's lips brush against her neck, igniting a spark of desire deep within her, she finds herself unable to resist the pull of his magnetic presence. With a trembling sigh, Maya surrenders to the intoxicating allure of the moment, allowing herself to be consumed by the passion that burns between them. At that moment, she knows that she's playing with fire, dancing on the edge of oblivion with Izana as her partner. But for now, she chooses to embrace the flames, surrendering to the tumultuous whirlwind of desire that threatens to consume them both. "Arch your back" he mumbles

Maya's heart races as she complies, arching her back in response to Izana's whispered command. Every nerve in her body tingles with anticipation, her senses heightened by the intoxicating proximity of his touch. She can feel the heat of his breath against her skin, sending shivers of pleasure coursing through her veins. As she arches her back, Izana's hands slide gently along her sides, tracing the contours of her body with a feather-light touch. His fingers dance over her skin, leaving a trail of fire in their wake, as he explores the curves of her body with a tender reverence. Izana slides his hands under her back and with one movement lifts her off the bed like she was a child. She's now in his lap, straddling his thighs, chest pressed against his. Maya gasps as Izana effortlessly lifts her off the bed, her body instinctively wrapping around him. She looks into his eyes, searching for any hint of hesitation or doubt, but finds only a smouldering intensity that sends a thrill of anticipation coursing through her veins. "can I?" Izana whispers softly, a look of vulnerability in his eyes "Will you let me this time?"

With trembling hands, Maya reaches up to trace the contours of Izana's face, her touch gentle yet filled with fierce longing. She feels a surge of electricity shoots through her body at the contact, every nerve ending alight with sensation. Izana's hands roam freely over her body, igniting a firestorm of desire that threatens to consume them both. Their breath mingles in the air, hot and ragged, as they lose themselves in the dizzying ecstasy of the moment. "Is that a yes then?" He murmurs, a small smile playing on his lips

With a soft exhale, Maya nods slowly, her voice barely above a whisper. "Yes," she breathes, her fingers still tracing the contours of Izana's face, her touch a silent affirmation of her consent

Oh god did she hate herself for this. But maybe she was too tired. Too tired after fighting, too tired after realizing there was no one on her side. Izana's smile widens, a glimmer of satisfaction dancing in his eyes as he leans in closer, his lips hovering just inches from hers. "Good"

Maya's heart races as Izana's lips draw closer, anticipation mingling with trepidation in her chest. She feels a surge of conflicting emotions—desire warring with self-loathing, longing battling against resignation. Their lips meet in a searing kiss, sending a jolt of electricity coursing through Maya's veins. It's a whirlwind of sensation, overwhelming and all-consuming, as they lose themselves in each other's embrace. In that fleeting moment, there is no past, no future, only the raw intensity of their connection, binding them together in a fiery passion that defies reason and logic. "now lemme get a look" Izana says, pulling away from the kiss

Izana pulls her shirt off with ease, throwing it to the side, and falling onto the floor. He sighs softly, his thumb brushing over the baby pink lacy strap on her shoulder. Maya's cheeks flush with heat as Izana's gaze roams over her exposed skin, his eyes tracing every curve and contour with a hunger that sends shivers down her spine. She feels exposed under his intense scrutiny, vulnerable yet strangely exhilarated by the raw intensity of his desire. "Beautiful," Izana murmurs, his voice low and husky as he reaches out to caress her cheek with gentle fingers

She leans into his touch, her own fingers trailing lightly down his clothed chest, tracing the lines of his muscles with a reverence born of awe and longing. Izana's gaze shifts to her shoulder to the scar from where he had accidentally bitten her too hard. Maya feels a surge of mixed emotions flood her being as she watches him study the mark with a mixture of regret and a weird look of fascination. "I'm sorry," Izana murmurs, his voice barely above a whisper as he traces the scar with gentle fingertips

Maya isn't too sure if he actually means it though. But she doesn't feel like doubting it right now. Maya doesn't want to feel like shit anymore. She's tired of feeling that way. "It's fine" she mumbles, thumb tracing over his jaw "It'll fade"

Izana sighs, leaning down to press a kiss to her scarred shoulder. "I've hurt you so much, hm..." She knows he's not just referring to the physical scars but also the emotional wounds he's inflicted upon her. "I'll make it up to you, bunny... Promise"

And so Izana kissed her again, all tongue, licking desperately into her mouth like he was starved. Maya's mind swirls with conflicting emotions as Izana's lips meet hers once more, his kiss desperate and hungry, as if trying to erase the pain of the past with the intensity of the present. She can feel the raw desire coursing through him, his touch igniting a firestorm of longing within her. Izana is being oddly sweet for someone who waterboarded and burned her. 

Oh well.

He unclips her bra with ease, throwing it in the same place he threw her shirt. She's soon lowered back onto the bed. He's kissing down her throat, ending at her sternum, sucking love bites into her skin while her fingers tangle into the thick white strands of his hair. Izana sighs against Maya's skin and she shivers then he shivers too. "Fuck... I'm cold again" he groans, his fingers digging into her waist

She forgot he was still going through withdrawals. Izana is going through another cold flush like earlier. She can feel the chill emanating from his skin, a stark contrast to the fire burning within her own veins. With a mixture of concern and tenderness, she reaches out to caress his cheek, her touch gentle yet filled with an unspoken promise of comfort. "It's okay, Izana," she murmurs soothingly, her voice a soft whisper against his ear. "I'm here. I'll keep you warm."

Izana's grip on her tightens, his fingers digging into her waist with a mixture of desperation and longing. "I need you, Maya," he confesses, his voice raw with emotion, using her name for the first time in a long time 

At that moment, Maya knows that she can't deny him what he seeks, no matter how temporary or fleeting the relief may be or how much she hates him. With a silent nod, she pulls him closer, enveloping him in the warmth of her embrace, determined to offer him solace in the midst of his torment. So their clothes scatter and Izana pushes in, slowly, inch by inch, knocking the air out of her lungs. "f-fuck" a whimper leaves Izana and Maya lets out a shuddery breathe, squeezing her eyes shut

Her nails dig into his shoulders and her legs go around his waist, not sure if she wanted him closer or further. Maya is breathing heavily and shaky, her head up in clouds from the stretch caused by the lack of preparation from both herself and Izana. "god, you're so warm" Izana moans, his face pressed into the crook of her neck

He hasn't moved his hips yet, probably being nice for once and trying to let Maya adjust to him first. She wraps her arms around his neck and sighs, fingers tangling in his hair. "I can be on top" She offers, voice shaky

Izana's teeth graze against her throat. "as much as I'd love the view bunny, I wanna be on top... I'm trying to make it up to you remember" He hisses a little, mumbling how tight she was 

Maya's heart flutters at the intimacy of their exchange, a mixture of desire and uncertainty coursing through her veins. She hesitates for a moment, torn between her own desires and Izana's request. But ultimately, she nods in silent agreement, trusting him to lead them in this dance of passion and a twisted kind of redemption. "Okay," she breathes, her voice barely above a whisper, her fingers tracing lazy patterns on his back. "I trust you, Izana."

Honestly speaking, no she didn't. Just because Izana was truthful to her didn't mean she had to be truthful to him. She could lie to him as much as she wanted. She had no reason to be honest. So as Izana start to thurst she whimpers out his name over and over. It felt good. So fucking good. The drag of his cock against her walls and each time his pelvis brushed against her clit. It felt so fucking good. "I-Izana" she whines as he thrusts in slow and lazy

His lips meet hers in a just as lazy but desperate kiss. Maya didn't know Izana had the capability to kiss like that— soft, full of passion, desperation and eagerness. Fuck it felt good. Being treated that way by someone who's only ever treated you violently felt so good. She whimpers into his mouth as his fingers find her nipples, lightly rubbing against them before pinching. Her legs tighten around his waist and her fingers tug at his white locks. Izana begins kissing down towards her jaw now, till her throat, collarbones, and sternum and then Maya feels him smile against her skin before he takes one of her nipples in his mouth. A shuddery breath leaves her lips at the feeling. He sucks at it, soft, but his teeth graze against it almost threateningly. Maya feels like she's having an out-of-body experience when he tugs at her other nipple and his free hand goes down to rub at her clit. There's so much going on at once that she already feels so overstimulated and comes from the sheer feeling of all of it. Izana chuckles as she comes down from her high. He stops thrusting momentarily as he presses his forehead against hers. "so sensitive, hm bunny..." Izana sighs softly "Wish I took your first..."

He doesn't give her a chance to respond as he starts thrusting again, this time rougher, harder. Her eyes roll back as he pulls his head away from her. "oh fuck..." Izana mutters as he slows down but keeps going just as hard "Look at that"

Izana is looking down at her stomach, right at the small bulge on her lower tummy every time he thrusts into her cunt. He fucking giggles, like it's something cute, like he's not practically fucking her guts. Oh god, she should be horrified but it just turns her on even more. A sob-like moan leaves her when Izana speeds up and presses down on her lower stomach. She feels good. Everything feels good and even if it's only momentary, Maya wants it so badly to last. No matter how overwhelming, no matter how sensitive. Because it seems that only during sex is when the pain truly stops. "please" Maya whimpers desperately, pulling him in as close as possible when he pounds into her cunt 

"Please what, hm?" He asks, the tips of his fingers pressing bruises into her waist "wh-what-f-fuck... what do you want bunny?"

Izana's voice is shaky as he speeds up even more, feeling himself getting closer. "a-ah~ want more" Her moan sounded more like a sob 

Izana smiles, his eyes dark with lust as he leans down, capturing her lips in a rough messy kiss. It's all teeth and tongue and eventually, they're both just breathing heavily into the other's mouths as they come at the same time. Izana doesn't pull out after that though. He simply shifts their positions so they're both lying on their side and keeps his cock buried in her using the excuse that he was still cold. That was probably his first lie but Maya was too tired to say or do anything so she just complies. She's tucked away in his arms. Izana is holding her tight and close like he's afraid she'll slip away at any moment. Maya on the other hand can't focus on anything other than the feeling of him still inside. "One thing I adore about girls like you is how prettily you suffer." Izana whispers as his fingers trace along her spine "How could anyone want to comfort you when you look this fuckin' pretty when you're miserable?"

Mayas closes her eyes and just falls slack in his arms. It's dark out now. "You're gorgeous, you know that my pretty bunny? Everything about you is breathtakingly beautiful" He whispers and she opens her eyes to look at him

Maya doesn't say anything to Izana. Everything just felt too good for her to really even try to speak or move. "You're so pretty... The way you suffer is so pretty too so I just can't help but hurt you..." Izana murmurs and presses a kiss to her cheekbone

After a while, he pulls out with a small hiss, leading her silently to the shower. As the water cascades over them, washing away the physical remnants of their encounter, Maya's mind drifts into a haze of numbness. The weight of their tangled emotions hangs heavy in the air, suffocating her as she struggles to make sense of it all. Izana's words echo hollowly in her ears, his attempts at reconciliation falling on deaf ears as she retreats into the depths of her own thoughts. In the midst of the steam and the warmth of the water, Maya feels a profound sense of emptiness, a hollow ache that gnaws at the edges of her soul. She can't shake the feeling of being adrift, lost in a sea of uncertainty and despair. Each drop of water that falls against her skin feels like a reminder of the tears she's shed, the pain she's endured, and the scars that mar her body and soul alike.

As they step out of the shower, Izana gives her a pill, his voice a distant echo in the recesses of her mind. Maya accepts it mechanically, her movements robotic as she goes through the motions of getting cleaned up. She doesn't bother listening to Izana's words anymore, the pretty lies and empty promises ringing hollow in her ears. Wrapped in a towel, Maya allows herself to be led back to the bedroom, the weight of the world pressing down on her shoulders. She lets Izana hold her naked body against his chest, but the embrace offers little comfort, a fleeting illusion of solace in a world devoid of warmth and light.

As he kisses her forehead and murmurs empty reassurances into her ears, Maya can't help but feel a sense of profound sadness wash over her. This moment of tenderness feels like a cruel mockery of the pain and suffering that has brought them to this point. She knows that no amount of physical closeness can erase the scars that mar their relationship, nor can it mend the broken pieces of her shattered heart.

One can only dream, she figures.

Mikey is back the next morning. She ignores him as best as she can. Maya didn't want to even look at him after knowing he had been lying to her this whole time— giving her false hope that he'd convince Izana to let her go when Mikey might as well be an accomplice. The air in the beach house feels heavy with tension as Mikey's presence looms over Maya like a dark cloud. But despite her efforts to ignore him, Mikey's presence is an ever-present reminder of the lies and deceit that have plagued their relationship or whatever twisted relationship they had in the first place. 

She doesn't know how to face Mikey, how to confront the betrayal that cuts to the core of her being. All she can do is bury her pain deep within her heart, shielding herself from the raw vulnerability of her shattered trust. But even as she tries to push him away, a part of Maya longs for answers, for closure to the questions that have haunted her since the truth came to light. She knows that confronting Mikey won't undo the damage that has been done, but she can't help but yearn for some semblance of understanding in the midst of the chaos that surrounds her. "Thanks again, Maya" Kakucho says with a smile "Really."

Izana had fallen back to sleep after breakfast, still needing a lot of rest. Thankfully this time the detox process shouldn't take too long since he wasn't in that damn shitty hospital with shitty care. "It's nothing" Maya mumbles dismissively

She was still mad at Kakucho. Almost as much as she was mad at Mikey. Maya had the right to be mad after all. She resents his gratitude, feeling as though it's a hollow gesture in the wake of his betrayal. But beneath her anger lies a deep well of hurt and confusion, emotions that threaten to consume her if she lets them. The lies, the deceit, the manipulation—all of it weighs heavily on her heart, dragging her down into a pit of despair. She can't shake the feeling of betrayal that gnaws at her from within, leaving her feeling lost and alone in a sea of uncertainty. "really though... thanks for helping him" Mikey says with a soft smile

Maya resists the urge to sneer at him the same way she would at Izana when she was first brought here. Mikey had been lying to her, giving her false hope. That was probably worse than Kakucho going back on his word. "Sure" Maya replies tersely, her voice lacking the warmth that once coloured their conversations

She can't bring herself to meet Mikey's gaze, her eyes fixed on some distant point in the room as she struggles to contain the storm of emotions raging inside her. Mikey's smile falters slightly, a flicker of concern crossing his features. "Hey, is everything okay?" he asks, his voice laced with genuine worry.

Maya's jaw clenches as she fights to keep her composure, the urge to lash out at Mikey almost overwhelming. But she knows that giving in to her anger won't solve anything, and won't change the past. So she forces herself to take a deep breath, to push aside her hurt and frustration, if only for a moment. "Yeah, everything's fine" Maya replies, her tone flat and devoid of emotion

She retreats to the master bedroom. Bad idea honestly speaking. It wasn't her own room, it was Mikey's. Stupid idea for her to try and hide from him in there because he just followed her inside. "no... everything's not fine. What's wrong?" Mikey asks with a frown, his black hair tied back in a messy ponytail

Maya's heart skips a beat as Mikey enters the room, his concerned voice cutting through the heavy silence that hangs between them like a suffocating fog. She can feel the weight of his gaze on her, a silent plea for her to open up and share her burden. But Maya remains silent, her emotions roiling beneath the surface as she struggles to find the words to articulate the storm raging inside her. "It's nothing, Mikey," Maya finally murmurs, her voice barely above a whisper. "I just... I need some time alone."

Mikey's frown deepens, his brows furrowing in concern. "You can talk to me, Maya," he insists, taking a step closer to her. "Whatever it is, we can work through it together. I told you I'm here for you"

Maya shakes her head, heading for the bathroom to get inside and lock the door so she can get some alone time but Mikey gets inside before she can even get the door closed. "don't avoid me" He speaks more demandingly this time "You haven't even been looking at me since I got back! Didn't you miss me, baby?"

The petname which used to make her heart flutter is now making her stomach churn. "Mikey, I really don't wanna do this right now" Maya says, digging her nails into her palms, feeling a mixture of panic and anger fill her

"Maya, please," Mikey pleads, his voice tinged with desperation as he reaches out to gently grasp her arm. "I just want to understand what's going on. You've been avoiding me ever since I got back, and I can't shake this feeling that something's not right."

Maya's heart pounds in her chest as she feels the weight of Mikey's gaze on her, his eyes searching hers for answers she's not ready to give. "I really don't want to talk to you right now"

But Mikey's grip tightens on her arm, his expression filled with determination as he refuses to let her pull away. "No, Maya," he says firmly, his voice tinged with frustration. "We need to talk about this. Whatever it is, we'll face it together."

With a heavy sigh, she meets Mikey's gaze with a sense of resignation, steeling herself for the difficult conversation that lies ahead. "Okay," Maya whispers, her voice barely above a whisper as she takes a deep breath, preparing herself for the storm that is about to come. "Let's talk."

Mikey nods and gestures for her to continue. "You're lying to me" she says

He furrows his brows. "what?"

"you were lying to me" Maya repeats trying to sound more angry than sad "You told you asked Izana to let me go when you really didn't. You want to keep me here too"

Mikey's expression shifts from confusion to determination, his features contorted with earnestness at Maya's accusation. "Maya, you've got it all wrong," he protests, his voice tinged with a hint of desperation. "I know it may seem that way, but I was only trying to keep you safe. I asked Izana to let you go, but he's unpredictable. I was worried about what might happen to you if you left."

Maya meets his gaze with a mixture of skepticism and sorrow, wrestling with the conflicting emotions swirling inside her. "Keeping me safe?" she echoes, her voice heavy with disbelief. "By keeping me prisoner with you and your sociopath brother? How is that supposed to make me feel safe?"

Mikey steps closer, his eyes pleading for understanding. "I know it's hard to see it now, Maya, but believe me, I was only trying to protect you," he insists, his voice tinged with genuine concern. "I didn't want you to get hurt. I thought I was doing what was best for you."

Tears well up in Maya's eyes as she grapples with the painful realization of Mikey's deception. She had put her faith in him, believing that he had her best interests at heart. But now, as she stands before him, the truth laid bare, she can't help but feel a profound sense of betrayal. Mikey takes her face in his hands as she's standing with her back against the counter. "Baby, it's not just all that, hm... I wanted you and there was no other way to make you stay" he completely shifts his point now "It's so dangerous out there for you and I wanted you anyway so making you stay was the best option"

Tears start to run down her cheeks. "You watched what I went through... This isn't fair" Maya whimpers sadly

Mikey's expression softens, his features contorted with a feigned sympathy as he steps closer to Maya, reaching out to gently wipe away her tears. "I know, baby, I know," he murmurs, his voice dripping with false sincerity. "But you have to understand, I did it because I care about you. I couldn't bear to see you in danger out there, not when I knew I could keep you safe here with me."

Maya's heart aches at his words, torn between the desire to believe him and the nagging doubts that linger in the back of her mind. "But you didn't have the right to make that decision for me," she whispers, her voice tinged with a mixture of sadness and anger. "You took away my freedom, Mikey. How can you expect me to forgive you for that?"

Mikey's gaze hardens, a flicker of frustration crossing his features as he takes a step closer, his hand tightening around Maya's arm. "Because I did it out of love, Maya," he insists, his voice tinged with possessiveness. "I did it because I love you and I can't bear the thought of losing you. Can't you see that?"

She sniffles, trembling a little now after his sudden love confession. "Why couldn't you have just told me the truth?"

"Would you have stayed if I did?" Mikey asks lowly

Maya's breath catches in her throat, her heart pounding with the weight of Mikey's question. His words hang heavy in the air, suffocating her with their implication. "I don't know," she whispers, her voice quivering with uncertainty. "But I deserved to know the truth."

Mikey's expression hardens, a glint of possessiveness flashing in his eyes as he takes a step closer to Maya, his hand reaching out to grasp her arm firmly. "You would have run, Maya," he says, his voice low and commanding. "And I couldn't let you go. You're mine."

Maya recoils at his touch, her eyes widening with a mixture of fear and disbelief. "Mikey, please..." she pleads, her voice trembling with emotion. "This isn't right. You can't keep me here against my will."

But Mikey's grip tightens, his fingers digging into her skin with a painful intensity. "I'm doing this for your own good, Maya," he insists, his tone tinged with desperation. "You're safer here with me. You belong with me."

Tears well up in Maya's eyes as she struggles against Mikey's hold, feeling trapped and powerless. "Let me go, Mikey," she begs, her voice choked with emotion. "Please, just let me go."

But Mikey's expression hardens further, his resolve unyielding as he stares down at Maya with a possessive gleam in his eyes. "You're not going anywhere," he declares, his voice dripping with determination. "You're mine, Maya. And you're staying right here where you belong."

It was weird. Just weeks ago she had the same conversation with Izana and now she was having it with Mikey. Just like then, she's weak. Weak as Mikey turns her around to face the mirror in front of the bathroom sink, weak as takes her right there in front of it. "so fuckin' pretty" He moans as he watches her through the mirror "Takin' me so we-well, baby"

There's a thin coat of sweat on her forehead and her hair is sticking to her skin. Mikey keeps running a hand up and down her spine, seemingly enjoying the way it arches as he thrusts into her. He's being rough, moaning, mumbling praises. All Maya can do is take it, grasping desperately at the counter, her moans breathless and whimpers pitiful. Once again she hates how good it felt. One of the things that wasn't fair was how good Mikey knew how to make her feel. She almost regrets letting him take the time to get to know her body, to let him know all those other nights what she liked and what she didn't because now it was her downfall. "You're mine, hm?" He grunts "Yeah baby?"

She's gasping, trembling as he's forcing a second orgasm out of her while rubbing on her clit. "I-I... 'm yours" 

It's too much. Way too much as he just keeps going. "say it. say my name"

"Mikey"

"again"

"M-Mikey"

He forces the third out of her. Mikey grabs Maya by her hair and pulls her till her back is pressed to his chest while he fucks her. "look at you" He murmurs shakily into her ear "so fuckin' pretty..."

Had this situation been any other, she would have agreed. God, she looked so damn hot being fucked by him like this. Mikey is holding her so tight against him. Her eyes are glazed over and her hair sticking to her skin. She's trembling, biting at her already red, bruised lips, her fucked out expression looking so damn pretty. "Who do you belong to?"

"Mikey..." She gasps breathlessly

He finishes inside her finally. Her head is a mess when Mikey turns her back around to face him. He's hugging her tight, right up against his chest as if to try and keep her together. Maya can feel his cum dripping down her inner thighs. The feeling is odd. She shivers and just lets him remove all her clothes so they can shower together. She feels boneless and exhausted. He's whispering apologies into her ear for being too rough, asking her where the scar on her shoulder had come from then tells her he'd tell Izana to be more gentle with her. Maya answers each, quietly and shaky. She's so tired and it's only 12 pm. "I love you... okay?" Mikey murmurs as they stand beneath the shower

"I love you too" she murmurs, her voice barely audible over the sound of the running water

There isn't much she can really do about it now. All the roads to freedom have been blocked off and there was no longer a way out. Maya is exhausted and now she just wants to stop fighting. 

But the question remains:

Just when will Mikey and Izana be done taking from her?

notes: oh my god we have 2 more chapters left for the main story. The next chapter explores Maya's forgotten memories and a means to an end. lol good luck everyone, all of us will need it.

Idk if the smut with either Izana or Mikey is even good but yeah, that's there.

link to character analysis and headcanons

likes, asks and reblogs are greatly appreciated!

special thanks to: @highpri3stess @mysouleaten @yaya4thawin @piroporopo @reiners-milkbiddies @bontensbabygirl @tenjikusstuff4 @fairey555 @haikyuusboringassmanager @firstdivisiongirl

[logan-lieutenant]

i didn't win the wheel: episode 3 (pt. 2)

[competition ends, time to spin the wheel; Logan starts listing the prizes]

Logan: "...and a Logan mini helmet.."

Alex (who has made NO COMMENT yet and has seen all these prizes before: "Ah, that's not bad!"

oh alex what's wrong? you went most of a video without talking to each other? are you having WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS... merch is merch yeah :/ but it's my teammate's merch :) logan mini helment :D how cool is that :)

Alex (because he can't think before he speaks for the life of him): "I think the prize I wouldn't want.... *visible moment of regret* I– I shouldn't say, but–"

Logan (OH MY GOD THE SUN IS COMING OUT): "I know what it is, I know what you're thinking of!"

oh. oh OKAY. i see how it is now i already said they were in sync but APPARENTLY I DIDN'T SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH cause we had to double back and canonically confirm that out loud OKAY. can i just point out that knowing what someone likes and knowing what someone *dislikes* requires a whole different level of observation? like, think about it? and the dialogue ALONE is enough to write an essay on but the whole thing together?? alex leaning way in shoulder to shoulder we all know he can see the ipad logan chiming in as soon as alex starts fumbling the smile starting to spread on his face even as he's still looking down and then he and alex turn their heads in at the exact same time and logan gives him that smile as he says that line and at first alex is laughing but as soon as he gets those eyes he has to like giggle and blush and look down and curl in on himself WHAT? and then and then. both turning back to the ipad and alex is clearly trying to get ahold of himself and logan just sort of repeats in this half-gentle half-laughing but also like low voice, "I know what you're thinking..." like OOF that took it out of me. somebody on ao3 probably knows a specific term for sweet/teasing/sexy/provocative/taunting/gentle but for now i'm not settling on an adjective!! "I know what you're thinking" both gravelly and endeared after you've made someone literally do the blushing eyes-cast-down thing like 10 cm from their face... that is not from real life!! that is fanfiction!

[prize wheel spins, lands on Logan mini helmet]

Alex: "WHOA!"

Logan: "Oh, it's me..."

Alex *round of actual applause*: "That's a good prize!"

Logan (talking to the camera and ignoring the sparkles and rainbows next to him): "It's a Logan mini helmet... I won the challenge, so it makes sense–"

Alex (completely talking over him): "Is it gonna be signed? Are you gonna sign it? Are you gonna sign it?"

"that's a good prize" YOU SAID THAT ALREADY ALEX! he looks so excited!!! he looks like he got to win a prize– which is his TEAMMATE'S MERCH like, alex is a williams driver as a side hustle. his main career is actually logan sargeant fanboy, sorry to break the news like this.

at this point logan is kind of retreating into his own world again– not kind of, you can tell. the activity is officially over. the spinning the wheel part– the stupid thing all the hype is about– has concluded it. it's like he's got switches in his head that are flipped on and off for him. he did the fun part, he played the game. he had a little fun getting in close proximity to alex towards the end as has become tradition and then it sort of fades away for him.

not for alex, though. for alex, logan's still the brightest in the solar system. no matter how much or how little logan opens the blinds to anyone else alex feels the sunlight like it's never stopped shining. like the light in logan's eyes doesn't go out.

and so alex is excited. he thinks winning and then getting rewarded with the privilege of using essentially a random number generator to give a prize for somebody else who didn't even play is just ridiculous... and it is. but now he's loving it, and we know why

[nicoline1998enilocin]

Rehabilitation | Part 2

PAIRING | Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Female!Reader

WORD COUNT | 3.9K

SUMMARY | After your mission went completely sideways, you started drinking away the pain and guilt, without success. It became so bad that Bucky had to sign you up for rehab, and it was quite a shift at first. The longer you're there, the better you're doing, and the more you realize how deep your love for Bucky goes.

WARNING(S) | This is your official trigger warning. Do not proceed if any of these topics upset you. Light angst, mentions of alcohol withdrawal, flashback to a traumatic event,

A/N | This is the follow-up to my fic called Rehabilitation. Nobody asked for this but I needed to write it, so here you go 😉 This part will have a lot less angst than the first, and will mostly be fluff with some angst sprinkled in here and there.

Likes, comments and reblogs will be very much appreciated 💜

Main Masterlist | Bucky Barnes Masterlist

Readjusting to the program and routine inside the rehab facility was hard at first because you were going through a pretty severe case of alcohol withdrawal. Your most prominent symptoms were hand tremors, sweating, an extremely high heart rate, headaches, and a loss of appetite. The staff kept a very close eye on you, as well as the medical wing at the facility, but it still felt like you were dying every single day you had the endure more of this. However, because they took very good care of you, you were able to get through it without too many problems, and within a week you were starting to feel better.

You started eating more regularly and even ate with the rest of the people on your wing. You took more walks and exercised a little bit, you were still an Avenger after all so you still wanted to stay in shape just a little bit. This first week you also went to both group therapy and individual therapy, although you didn't quite take part in the group part yet, you were mostly there to observe and you were perfectly fine with that. Individual therapy wasn't as easy however, your therapist was very understanding about your situation, but he didn't take 'no' for an answer when you said you didn't want to talk about what happened.

''Y/N, I understand it is a lot to deal with, and I understand that what you went through isn't anything to take lightly. However, it is very important to talk about what is bothering you, and what happened that day so you can slowly learn to accept what happened that day,'' he explained, and when you thought back to that day, you couldn't get through the story without breaking down and sobbing, the pain was still extremely fresh, and your need for another drink grows more and more now. Ultimately you tell him what happened:

The mission started like most of the others, nothing out of the ordinary. You were supposed to evacuate innocent people out of the building before it would be too late, but you couldn't get to them all, the building collapsed before you could get everyone out. The worst of all is that you saw how a small girl got crushed by the huge pieces of rubble falling on her, you were completely helpless at that moment. ''NO, WATCH OUT!'' is all you could get out before it was too late and you got pulled back when you started to run in the child's direction. ''It isn't safe, doll, go back to the jet!'' Bucky ordered, but you didn't listen, you wanted to save everyone, even if it meant that you might lose your own life.

When you finally got it off your chest, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted, and when you finally talked about it in group therapy the second week, everyone listened carefully, not wanting to make you feel worse. You still cried when telling the story of course, but the pain seemed to subside a little bit, now that you finally started talking about it. During the rest of those two weeks, you already made incredible progress, and couldn't wait to tell Bucky all about it. He was on your mind constantly when you weren't busy with the program, and you usually had quite a lovestruck smile on your face when he crept back into your mind.

Bucky, however, wasn't doing as well as you were, seeing how he was just a constant distracted mess without you at the Compound. It was a good thing he didn't have to go on a mission right now because he was sure it wouldn't go well, all he thought about was you, and how much he misses you. He spends most of his time either in the gym to take out his frustrations, or pent up in his bedroom, thinking about you - more often than not fantasizing about you in all kinds of compromising positions with him pounding deep inside you. Right now, he's lying on his bed, scrolling through photos of you, and he can't take his eyes off the genuinely happy smile you sported in those photos. All he wants right now is to talk to you again, so he can tell you how much he loves you, how much in love he is with you.

~ The first phone call ~

The first two weeks were hard, but you were looking forward to your first phone call now that you were officially settled and doing better. Of course, the only person you wanted to tell how good you were doing is Bucky, and he had been waiting by his phone for this phone call the entire morning. By the time 3 PM rolled around, you were finally allowed to call after you did your chores for the day. You had 30 minutes to call, there was individual therapy right after. The woman looked up Bucky's phone number and handed it to you so you could call in the privacy of your room. Your fingers were shaking when you punched in the numbers on the phone, and you brought the phone to your ear, waiting to hear that voice you'd missed so much.

And there they were, the words you've longed to hear ever since he walked out the door 2 weeks ago, leaving you behind to get the help you needed. ''Hi doll,'' he said, the relief seeping through in his voice. ''Hi Bucky,'' you said, tears pricking in the corners of your eyes, ever since the moment you've met him, you never spent this much time away from each other. ''How are you doing in there? Are they taking good care of you?'' he asks, curious about how your progress is coming along. ''Yeah, it's okay. I'm happy there is a routine I follow every day, it certainly helps with me getting better. Made some friends on the inside which is nice,'' you told him, and he had a smile dancing around his lips. ''Glad to hear it,'' he almost whispered, god he missed you so much.

''I miss you, it isn't the same without you here, doll,'' Bucky said and finally, the tears he kept in were rolling down his cheeks now. ''I miss you too, Buck, but we both know it's for the better that I'm in here, as much as I don't want to be...'' you said with a sigh, still fighting against your tears. ''Just say the word and I'll break you out of there without a second thought!'' he joked and it made you laugh, a genuine laugh that Bucky hasn't heard in months, but he misses more than anything. The two of you were talking a little bit more about the program and his upcoming visit in a month. ''I believe there are two people allowed to visit, so could you maybe bring Steve too? I miss seeing his face too,'' you said and Bucky agreed. ''Anything for you, doll,'' he said.

A few more minutes of small talk and it was almost time for your therapy session, so you both said your goodbyes. ''I love you, Bucky, and I am very thankful for getting me the help I so desperately needed when I wasn't able to. I can't tell you how grateful I am for you,'' you said with a sniffle, your chest ached with how much you missed him, how much you miss the touches of his hands, how his lips felt on yours... ''I also can't wait to kiss you again,'' you said with a soft voice, earning a chuckle from the super soldier. ''Believe me, neither can I, I barely thought about anything else these last few weeks. I love you, doll, and I can't wait to see you in 4 weeks. Please call me whenever you can, okay?'' he asked and you agreed, saying your last goodbyes before hanging up and heading to individual therapy.

The next 4 weeks felt like they went by agonizingly slow for both of them. The days seemed to get longer and longer the closer the visitation date came, but they powered through with their weekly phone calls now, she always called him on Wednesdays, exactly at 3 PM, right before her therapy. ''Y/N, I have to say, now that you talk to your support system at home, I've seen great progress in your recovery. You seem to be doing well in all aspects, physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it. And I'm very proud of you for all the progress you made. I can't wait to see what the visit will do next week. Who will be coming?'' your therapist asked.

''Bucky and Steve, my two best friends,'' you said with a small smile on your lips. A best friend doesn't describe what you feel for Bucky anymore, but the two of you haven't made anything official, so he wasn't your boyfriend, as much as you'd want him to be. ''They're both Avengers, like me, so I hope they'll still be able to come up here if they don't have an emergency mission,'' you sighed thinking about the very real possibility they might not be able to visit. ''I'm sure they'll be here, you just wait and see!'' he said, he didn't say that he already for the conformation they would be there, he had called ahead and made sure both of them would be able to come, the two of them had the entire day off. This would be a surprise for you, and he couldn't wait to see the look on your face when they would show up.

~ Bucky and Steve visit after 6 weeks ~

Here it is, the day both you and Bucky have been looking forward to for a month and a half now, and neither of you could wait any longer. Bucky has been up since 5 AM and was restless, today is the day he would see you again, and see in person how you were doing. To get some of his energy out, he went for a longer run than usual, but it didn't do much for his restlessness. He even bought you a little present to get you through the last 6 weeks and wrote you a letter as well. Finally, it was time to leave and Steve was also a little restless, but not to the same degree as Bucky. ''Can't wait to see our Sunshine again, I wonder how she will react when we're there. Also, I can't wait to see how she's looking now, she was looking very rough before...'' Steve said, remembering how you looked before going into rehab.

The two super soldiers drove to the rehab center and parked their car, they were still early but they kind of hoped they could go in regardless. Bucky got the teddy bear and bouquet out of the back seat, of course, he called ahead to see if he could bring them and it was okay, so they got a nice bouquet of purple roses on the way to their visit. ''Ready to go in, Buck?'' Steve asked and he nodded, so they walked towards the front door. ''Hi, we're here to visit Y/N Y/L/N, we were told we could come to visit her today,'' Steve said to the lady at the front desk. ''Ah yes, she's been expecting the two of you! She has talked my ear off all about the both of you yesterday, so I'm sure she'll be very excited to see you,'' she said before getting up and showing them to the common room, where there would be more visitations going on today.

During this visitation day, they could walk all around the center to show their loved ones every part of their process, but the welcome and goodbye would always be held in the common room, to make sure the same people that came there, would also leave again. The two of them were early, so they picked out a table to sit at and wait, you were just done showering and doing your makeup before the lady knocked on your door, notifying you they were here. ''Y/N? Your visitors are here, they are in the living room to see you whenever you're ready,'' she said and you replied saying you'd be out soon. You picked out a maxi dress with brown sandals as your outfit for today, the weather was nice and you always felt very comfortable in this dress. Your hair was loose around your shoulders, showing off your natural waves and you couldn't feel any better than you did right now.

You made your way to the living room and right before you were about to walk around the corner, you stopped yourself and did a short breathing exercise you learned during group therapy. When you walked the corner, you immediately spotted your two favorite super soldiers and practically ran into their arms as they got up. ''I can't believe you guys are here!'' you beamed up at both of them, and first, you pulled Steve in an unbelievably big hug, and he kissed you on the top of your head, he was very happy to see you. ''You look great, Sunshine, not just the outfit, but you look like your old self again,'' he said as he held your face in his hands. He was glad to see the old you again, the one he missed so deeply.

Now it was Bucky's turn, and he was already waiting with his arms spread wide to welcome you with open arms. ''You look gorgeous in this dress, doll. It looks like you're floating right now,'' he said as he closed his arms around you, your arms holding his waist tightly as you let out a deep sigh and melted into his embrace. ''I'm so happy the two of you are here right now, I missed you guys,'' you said as you let go of Bucky, and as an answer Bucky held your face in his hands, softly tracing your cheekbones with his thumbs before leaning in and placing a soft yet loving kiss in your lips, showing you just how much he missed you. God, you could stay like this forever, but the visitation only lasted until 5 PM, and it was already 2:15 PM. When you pulled away you had a slight blush on your cheeks, making you look even more beautiful in his eyes.

''I got you something, doll,'' Bucky said, picking up the bear and the flowers, and handing them to you. ''Oh wow, they're gorgeous Buck! I'm going to ask for a vase in the kitchen so I can put them on my desk,'' you said and you thanked him with a big kiss on his cheek. You took the teddy bear too and the three of you walked to the kitchen to get the vase you need, which they give you without a problem. You've been doing very well, so you had gotten extra privileges and they were a little less strict, meaning you could have things like flowers in your room, and work in the kitchen as well. ''Welcome to my bedroom!'' you said as the three of you entered the room. You managed to make it a little cozier by stringing up some fairy lights you brought with you before you came in, and there were piles of books everywhere since you loved to read. You put the flowers on your desk and you look at them before Bucky comes up behind you, hugging you from behind.

''Thank you so much for coming, guys. I missed both of you, and the rest too of course,'' you chuckled, and after that you led both of them to the garden, occupying a picnic table after getting something to drink and some snacks from the common room. ''So, how's life back at the Compound?'' you ask, and you've heard little things here and there from Bucky, but you were curious to hear all about it now that you finally have the time. Bucky sat next to you and Steve was opposite both of you, so you constantly had to move your head from side to side, but you didn't mind. They told you all about life inside the Compound, and Steve told you he finally asked Natasha out on a date, for which you couldn't be any happier.

''Oh my god, that's such great news! Where do you plan on taking her for your date?'' you informed, but he shrugged. ''I'm not sure, but I think dinner might be nice, a nice romantic place would be nice. Do you happen to know anything?'' he asked, and you always did, you helped everyone multiple times with a date, including Bucky, but that would be in the past now. ''Hm, I think I know the perfect place. It's called 'La Mercerie' and is located in Soho, it's a gorgeous place with delicious French food, and the atmosphere is the most romantic in there,'' you said, already seeing yourself sitting there again. ''I've been there before and I believe it would be exactly what you're looking for,'' you told Steve and he wrote it down, so he could make a reservation there later.

The rest of the visit they talked about you and how you're doing, how you're getting along with everyone, and the fact that you're working in the kitchen now. ''I enjoy working in the kitchen, it helps me take my mind off of things, and I work with other people in the program too, so it also serves as a bit of a bonding exercise actually,'' you say and you're beaming when you tell them about it. Bucky has been holding your hand this whole time, and it felt right, your two favorite people in this world were here with you, and you wouldn't change it for the world. ''Thank you both again for coming by, it means the world,'' you said as you walked back inside. The three of you went back to your room again, and Steve excused himself to the bathroom, although that was mostly to give the two of you a little privacy now.

''C'mere and let me show you how proud I am of you, doll,'' Bucky purred in your ear before snaking his arms around your waist, pulling you closer for a heated kiss. As soon as your lips touched you felt like your nerve endings were on fire, and the only thing that could make it better was Bucky's kiss. With a soft swipe against his lower lip, you asked for access which he happily granted, the two of you deepening the kiss for a good few minutes before coming up for air. ''I'm in love with you, Bucky, and I wish I could be your girl,'' you said softly as you rest your forehead against his. ''Oh doll, you don't know half how happy I am to hear that, because I've fallen head over heels for you too, and nothing would make me happier than you being my girl,'' he said, and with that, you gave each other one more passionate kiss to seal your relationship. ''Congratulations guys,'' Steve said, he was leaning against the doorframe, waiting for the two of you to be done.

''I think it's time we leave, it's almost 5 PM, so visitation is over,'' Steve sighed as he knew he had to leave you behind again, he didn't want to, not again. ''Alright, I'll walk you to the common room,'' you said as you walked in front of the guys, still holding Bucky's hand as he walked close behind you. ''I'm going to miss both of you so much, but I promise to call every chance I get, okay?'' you said and the two men gave you big hugs before letting you go again. Bucky pulled you in for one more kiss before leaving you, now he wouldn't see you until you could finally go home, which would be another 6 long weeks away. The two men walked out and waved a few more times, and you ran to your bedroom to wave them goodbye again, just like the last time they left, and you sent Bucky another kiss through the air.

~ The day you're going home ~

The last 6 weeks have been great, especially since you saw Bucky and Steve during visitation, which is exactly what you needed. You kept going to therapy and working hard on yourself, exercise was also part of your daily routine, and you worked yourself up in the kitchen to the point where you were 'head chef' some days, meaning you could decide the menus and even steer the other people in the kitchen as you worked to prepare the meals. You heard from Steve that the date with Natasha was a success, and you gave the perfect recommendation, which made you happy. Bucky called you every single week and promised you he would pick you up today, and you couldn't wait. But little did you know, he wouldn't show up alone today. He brought every single Avenger with him, just like when they dropped you off. You got all of your stuff together and were waiting in the common room until Bucky showed up to take you home.

That morning, you decided to wear a simple outfit with a floral element to fit perfectly with the weather, and you couldn't feel any better than you did at that moment. You were reading your book when you heard some murmuring in the hallway leading to the common room, causing you to look up. In less than a minute you were crowded by all the Avengers who wanted to give you hugs and tell you how much they missed you. ''There's our little ray of Sunshine again!'' Tony said as he pulled you in for a hug, and you were very happy to see every single one of them again. ''I heard through the grapevine you had a very successful date?'' you asked Nat, and she beamed at you, ''I did, thank you so much for giving him the idea. It was perfect thanks to you,'' she said. Steve never told her it was your idea, but Nat wasn't stupid and knew perfectly well where he got the idea from.

10 minutes later the entire group of Avengers walked out of the building, and you were happily glued to Bucky's side. His arm was around your shoulders and yours was holding onto his waist, and he planted a firm kiss on your temple. ''I love you, and I'm proud of all the hard work you did here,'' he said and you tilted your head up, asking him for a kiss which he happily gave. You got into the car with Steve and Bucky, and the rest of them were in the other cars they brought, happy to finally have their Sunshine back, the one they missed so deeply over the last three months. ''I'm happy to be back,'' you said after one last look at the rehab center, ''And I hope I will never go back here again!'' you said with a huge smile and you got into the car, driving away to your new life.

[aranciadotcom]

since i posted screenshots of that one sb fanfic (if you've seen that post, i'm so sorry 💀), the thought has lingered in my head to share some fics that are actually enjoyable to read:

(unfinished)

when i first saw this ff, i thought it wasn't really going to be all that good but BOY WAS I WRONG-

it was really fun to read and it felt like an episode of sb but extended and not in the typical sb formula! the last update was from april of last year, sadly...

oh... and the kids get kidnapped x

(finished (?))

one of the fanfics that i would read again and again is definitely this one! this also felt like an episode of sb too (if you minus the shipping stuff but i don't mind it). i won't blurt out too much information about this one, though... ^^"

(the ff is also on fanfiction .net as well)

the ezekiel ff - finished

the two lilith ffs - active, has slow updates

(edit: i'm so sorry but i forgot to say that the ezekiel fanfic has themes of bullying and s*xual harassment so if you're sensitive with these themes and the depiction of them, then i'd advise you to not read it. the author does leave warnings for their work, though it's best for you to read those first before you get on w/ the ff)

these three ffs are from the same person! the concept of them was really unique in the sense that they'd also include drawings too so it felt like reading a webtoon rather than your typical ff on wattpad

all two (or three in this case) are from the author's vision of what a future season 6 would be like. compared to the canon reimagined episodes, it includes even more mature themes and the kids are now in their late teens!

(the last one is a continuation of the second ff, if you were wondering)

(finished)

this could possibly be the oldest sb ff there is since it's from 2009. this time, it's not based off reimagined, but classic instead (given the fact that reim. didn't officially release its first season until 2011)

(finished)

gizmo, would you stop taking pictures of yourself? your owner's going to jail /ref

(just kidding, giz doesn't actually appear in the fic)

but i'm not joking when i say that chris gets arrested in this ff. there's also a homophobic woman that got chris arrested in the first place and joy gets ptsd yayyy 🎉 /hj

the only part i wasn't keen on was when the two animals came in but that's abt it /spoiler (?)

(there's also two pages, if you're wondering)

(unfinished)

this one was pretty great too! you'd probably realise that most of the fics regarding the kids also age them up to be teenagers

the ff is a continuation of the actual series, but the kids are now in high school and basically, chris gets withdrawal symptoms bc joy moved to another state

(the reason why i started this on the 2nd chapter is bc that's when the fanfiction actually starts)

(finished)

as you might've noticed, the ff is in russian. you might have to turn on translate so you get a rough understanding of what's going on

basically chris and joy are now celestial beings and they take care of these two children who they've known through the children's parents

[carolmunson]

not givin' it up pt. II (rockstar!eddie x actress!reader)

follow up to not givin’ it up pt.1 warnings: mentions of active drug use, addiction, drug mentions, withdrawal symptoms, manipulation, fighting, swearing, just like how shit like this goes down, syringe mention, partying, angst, angst, angst, more angst and fluff and feelings and y’know, STUFF. 

It had been six months without contact, the occasional call from the band just to check in. All discussions were between personal assistants. The first few weeks he’d call every hour on the hour so you had to start screening your calls. After that, you just unplugged the phones in your houses altogether. The cell phone was frustrating and bulky to carry, but it was the only way people could contact you where Eddie didn’t have your number. You couldn’t imagine that people thought these things were on the rise – they didn’t fit in your purse your your assistants.  You learned things about him through tabloids just as you were sure he’d learned things about you the same way. It was the 90s after all, paparazzi running amuck with any photo and story they could attach to it. CORRODED COFFIN’S LEGENDARY GUITARIST EDDIE MUNSON ATTENDS REHAB AGAIN: ‘4TH TIME’S A CHARM!’ SAYS THE STAR.  METAL LEGEND CAUGHT STUMBLING OUT OF CBGB DURING AN NYC ROMP AFTER STINT AT REHABEDDIE MUNSON NOT AT OSCARS TO SUPPORT NOMINATED FIANCE 

ROCKER LEFT LONELY: Eddie Munson seen at Grammy Awards with Best Friend Robin Buckley on his arm. Is there trouble in Paradise?  PRINCE OF METAL ACTING ERRATICALLY: Eddie Munson has left the stage in tears for the sixth time during their small East Coast tour ROCK AND ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES? Eddie Munson spotted with middleweight champion King Steve at Hollywood boxing gym. More on what we saw between the unlikely pair on page 96.  IS CORRODED COFFIN’S GUITARIST BACK AS A BACHELOR? The Sun has the exclusive on whether the certified lover boy is back on the market! 

Every headline was about your missing engagement ring, blurry photos of you with co-stars – assuming the worst. It’s not like you officially broke up or anything, you just needed to go away – you felt like you were hurting more than helping. Enabling him to keep getting away with his shit because you kept showing him that no matter what he did, you’d come back anyway He needed to get better because he wanted it, not because you wanted it for him. Eddie had become erratic by the end; angry over everything, incredibly thin, snapping constantly – you should have known, all the signs were there. But, you guess, you just needed to see it happen, needed the real visual proof before you could say ‘Okay, I guess he really is doing this again.’ It was a long six months, but tonight there was no missing him – everyone went to the VMAs.  It was easy before, just to not show up at parties you knew he’d be at. Music and movies didn’t always go hand and hand, they didn’t really run in the same circles anyway. It became a largely spread out waltz, your people calling his people calling the party people, just to avoid each other. You saw Gareth a couple months ago at a coffee shop when you were both in New York for gigs. He said he couldn’t believe the difference in his friend, that you wouldn’t recognize him when you saw him again.  You did though, his smile on the red carpet was unavoidable – and darling as ever. You kept about twenty feet away while Corroded Coffin walked down together, crowds screaming for their attention. Eddie ‘Will Lick A Fan’s Face’ Munson was eating it up with more vigor than he had in years. His eyes were bright, his hair was long and shiny, his skin flushed instead of pale and green from the lack of sunlight. He looked new, like you plucked him right out of the box.  Having a stylist didn’t hurt, either.  You watched as they got pulled in by E! News for an interview, you rolled your eyes at how bold they were for such a new publication. Holding your breath incase you heard any questions about you as you walked by into the building, scanning Eddie over while you did. ‘Cleaned up, but is he?’ seemed to be the look they were going for – tight low rise jeans, a fitted but worn-in Metallica t-shirt, his original battle vest – enough to protect him from the early September air.

They’d won Best Metal/Hard Rock Video (fuck you Pearl Jam) and Viewers Choice Award, you clapped with everyone else — begging no one would put the camera on you for the people at home to see when Eddie briefly thanked you in his speech. You sat a few rows away, for a moment wishing you could be there to kiss him and congratulate him when they cheered. Your baby. Doing his thing for years in a row. Always finding ways to make the music adapt to the time without selling out — he was a genius. You couldn’t help but admire him, neither could the rest of the world.

At an afterparty you sat alone at the bar in your green mini dress, hair coiffed from a hair stylist, makeup expertly applied – but you just couldn’t will yourself to feel good. You felt incomplete. People kept coming over to congratulate your fiancé, ask how you were, ask if you had chosen a date…you ached. Was there still a date? What do you even say? 

“Can I get a glass of Dom, and a water, please?” you heard a familiar voice say from your shoulder. It took less than a minute for both to be in front of you, a ringed hand reaching over to grab the water. The other picking up the glass of Dom by the stem, you turned to look at him. 

“Pretty girls should never be empty handed,” you both said at the same time while he passed it to you. He said that the night he met you at a party in the Hamptons – he was so different then, almost sleazy, almost too confident that you’d go home with him. Tonight it was…gentle, nervous. He’d never looked so nervous to talk to you in his life. 

“Hi,” he said while you took a sip of your champagne. He left a $20 on the bar to tip the bartender, giving him a nod. 

“Congratulations, Viewers Choice,” you said coolly. 

“The kids are alright, I guess,” he smiled, “Glad they still know music when they see it.” 

“More like teen girls know hot rock stars when they see them,” you smiled back. He blushed into his water. 

“It helps,” he shrugged, looking up at you under his bangs. 

“How’ve you been?” you asked, unsure of how to start a conversation after such a long time apart. 

“You know, same old,” he said, “Diving head first into oxy every day.” 

You gave him a look over your glass. 

“Oh, too soon? Sorry,” he smiled, “No I’ve been okay. I um – I don’t wanna have this conversation with you here. If that’s okay.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” you nodded, “That’s okay. I understand.” 

“So I was wondering if um,” he cleared his throat, shifting on his feet, “Could I uh, could I take you out sometime? Like, on a date?” 

“A date?” you whispered back, a blush blooming on your cheeks, matching his. 

“Just a little something,” he said, “If you’re around tomorrow night. I totally get if you’re busy.” 

“I think I can make some time,” you said, “I’ll have my people, call your people.” 

You could see his shoulders relax immediately when you accepted, his bright toothed grin splitting his face. 

“Heard you got a cell phone now? My Wall Street woman,” he said with a wink. 

“Yeah it’s…I fucking hate it,” you laughed, he laughed with you, “And I thought car phones were bad.” 

“The worst,” he said with a furrow of his brow, “Me and the guys are gonna head out to another place, you’re welcome to come.” 

“I think I’m gonna just head home,” you said, half of you wanted to just say yes and spend the night with him anyway. But this is what he needed, what you needed – you couldn’t be worried about him out at parties, and he shouldn’t need you there to keep him honest. 

“Okay, well, be safe,” he said, raising his glass of water, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“See you,” you said, your voice almost a whisper as a lump caught in your throat. You both wanted to touch, to hug, to be near each other – but you were so angry, and he was so scared to push his luck. 

– 

You were nervous the next night when you knew you’d be seeing him, but it didn’t make getting dressed very hard. You just so happened to wear his favorite black dress. Short but not too short, crushed velvet that he loved the feeling of, thicker spaghetti straps that we just a hint too big that one would droop off your shoulder. Eddie’s mouth would water every time he’d scoot it back up over your decolletage. 

You might have also made sure to wear the back seam stockings he bought you in Berlin so you could be his ‘little pin up girl’ whenever he wanted. He’d beg you to wear them to everything just so he could trace the line and watch you shiver when he got to your thighs. You paired them with any pair of black heels you could find, your dressing room had been a mess since you’d been flying all over the place these days. (Eddie also loved organizing it for you, and it had been a while.) 

Your heart fluttered when you met him in the foyer, he could barely contain himself. He looked up at you at the top of the left stair case, a lustful smirk blending with a smile while ran his thumb over his lower lip. 

“It’s taking everything in me not to bring you back upstairs,” he said while you reached the bottom step. The familiar roll and grumble of his voice made your heart race. It took everything in you not to let him take you upstairs. 

The car ride was relatively silent, you both were tapping out the melody of Dr. Feelgood on your thighs while it played on the radio at a red light. He turned to look at you, your face illuminated by the street lights, he could tell you were feeling anxious about being out and about with him. Your head snapping to anything that might’ve looked like a flash. 

“Do you wanna just say fuck it to those reservations?” he asked, “Wanna just go to the beach?” 

“In this dress?” you asked, a blush blooming on your cheeks. You had always loved going to the beach with him at night, it was just nice to be quiet together, and to feel small in comparison to the ocean. 

“I mean, you can take it off, sweetheart. You won’t hear me complaining,” he smirked while he took a left towards a different exit. When you arrived, the part of the beach you’d pulled into was pretty empty, the occasional straggler or teens trying to smoke weed without getting caught. No one would recognize you anyway, it was too dark. 

Eddie opened your door for you and you climbed out awkwardly. You crossed your arms while he opened the trunk, grabbing a bottle of wine and two glasses, shoving a blanket under his arm. 

“Do you just keep that in the car just in case?” you asked with a laugh. 

“I knew you wouldn’t wanna go to dinner,” he said, “So I came prepared.” Your heart swelled at the gesture, but you suddenly felt a little suspicious – of course he was going above in beyond. He always did this before there was another crash. 

“There’s a pair of your sandals in here from like, two years ago, if you wanna wear those,” he said, looking at your heels. You huffed and switched them out, holding your heels and your hands while you shut the trunk. 

You set up shop close to the shore while he poured you each a glass of wine, you looked at him apprehensively. 

“I’m not sober,” he said, “I want to be honest with you about that. I’m sober right now at this point in time, on this beach with you, but I’m not like ‘practicing sobriety’. I’m just not doing opiates anymore. I’m not doing smack.” 

You nodded, letting him talk as he needed. 

“I haven’t since you left.” 

“Gareth was telling me,” you said, taking a small sip, “He said you were doing the best you ever had been.” 

“That time you were in New York?” he asked, looking over at you, “I was so jealous of Gare that day. I would’ve done anything to run into you at a coffee shop at that point. I was feeling really good, too.” 

“How come?” you asked. 

“I -heh- I called up Steve. Well, I called up his little cutie of a woman and I asked when they’d be back around or if we’d be in the same places at all. Should’ve heard all those nervous giggles of hers, you know how I love a shy girl, baby–” 

“Get to the point, Munson,” you grinned into your next sip. His cheeks burned with his bright smile. 

“Okay, okay. Anyway, when I was clean for a month I was feeling – rage? I guess. I was so angry all the time and I figured, ‘Hey that guy hits stuff and seems totally stable, maybe I should try that?’ So I talked to Steve and I asked if his trainer knew anyone and he – well he offered to come around when he could and show me the ropes.” 

“So you made a new friend?” you asked. 

He shook his head, “Oh, pfft, no. Definitely not, can’t stand the guy. Don’t think he can stand me either. Think he just wanted a chance to punch me in the chest after he caught me making his girl blush.” 

“You’re impossible,” you muttered, “You really can’t help yourself.” 

“I didn’t go to rehab for ladies, sweet thing. I went to rehab for drugs,” he joked. “But either way, got in the habit of going to the gym which is so unlike me, and you know, finally eating again. I guess you can start calling me Eddie “Hard Body” Munson.” 

He flexed his arms which had become noticeably bigger in such a short amount of time. Your mouth watered a bit at the shape of his biceps, the definition in his shoulders – he’d really be able to throw you around aga– snap out of it.  “You look good, Eddie,” you said, putting the glass down on the blanket and laying down to look up at the sky. You settled your head on his lap where his hand involuntarily reached to smooth over hair. 

“You do too,” he said. 

“I’m sorry I’m not talking much,” you started, the warmth of his lap making you feel safer than you had in the past six months, “I just don’t know what to say.” 

“Talk when you feel ready to talk, baby,” he said, his thumb sliding over your cheek bone, “We have all the time in the world.” 

“You can talk enough for the both of us,” you smirked up at him, he playfully rolled his eyes at you. But it was true, he talked for another thirty minutes about where he’d been, some of the shows he played, about the night at CBGB. 

Then he was quiet, and you both sat and watched the foam brush the sand for a while together. Sometimes it was nice to just be – like before everything else, when you both had done a ton of partying and needed a night to relax, you’d come to the beach at night. Just sit there and hold each other, feel the other breathing – sometimes have quiet passionate sex – but mostly, just be. 

After a while, he broke the silence again, looking serious. 

“I went back to Indiana for a little, after I got out of rehab,” he said, the soft rush of the waves meeting the shore matched the gentleness in his voice.  “Hawkins?” you asked, looking up at him from his lap.  “Yeah, I went to visit Dustin and –” he shook his head, focused on the moonlit horizon, “He has a daughter now. And I was like ‘Kid, you’re too young to have a daughter,’ but, y’know. Suze was raised Mormon so they’re used to doing things a little younger, I guess.” “And I’m watching this 21 year old kid be a father, and I’m feeling awful because I know he told me she was pregnant. I was just too fucked up to care. I didn’t even send anything, I didn’t even fly down when she was born.”  “But I’m watching him and he’s just – Henderson’s just so good. I’m watching him be twice the man I could ever be. He works so hard and he doesn’t let Suze lift a finger – just loves her and his baby girl. And I’m sitting there watching them like ‘I don’t wanna be a fuck up like this anymore.’ I’m watching them and I think about you and I think about us if we ever…you know, if we ever started a family.”  You nod softly while he speaks and he looks down at you, his eyes glassy with tears.  “I don’t wanna be like my dad.” You heart breaks for him, “I don’t think you’d be anything like your dad.”  He starts nodding with a tight, pained smile, “For a while, I was just like him.”  “Just you know, started using to feel something. Then to chase that feeling. Use to not feel anything, then use to just not feel sick. I was just shooting up so I wouldn’t fucking vom. Snorting pills to get rid of a headache – that’s just like my dad. That’s why he left, so he could keep using.”  “I don’t wanna leave to keep using. I wanna stay and get married and have a bunch of babies with you. I wanna go the store at two in the morning when you want pickles and ice cream. I wanna watch you be the best fucking mom and I want to try to even be sort of the best fucking dad–”  “You’d be the best fucking dad,” you chuckled out, a couple tears sliding down the sides of your cheeks to your hair. He swiped his thumbs under your eyes to wipe your tears, doing his best not to smudge your mascara.  “I really love you,” he choked out, tears sliding down his face now, “I missed you so much.”  “You know why I had to go,” you whisper out.  “I know,” his face started to crumple, “Can we just take it slow?”  You nodded, tears streaming steadily while you sat up. He barely gave you a moment to assess before he pulled you onto his lap. You straddled him, both of you looking at each other with tear stained faces. He rested his forehead on yours, his arms heavy while he pulled you tight against his chest.  “I don’t need you to save me, okay?” his voice shook, “I’m doing it all by myself. It’s for me.”  You nodded into Eddie’s forehead, his bangs scratching against your skin. You reached for his face, cupping his cheeks to pull him to face you. You matched his gentleness by wiping his tears away.  “Can I kiss you?” he asked. 

“Such a gentleman,” you smiled through a blur of a cry. He put a knuckle under your chin to tilt you up to him, the way he always did when he kissed you after sex or after a particularly intense talk. His lips met yours, soft and warm as ever – his hold on your body intentionally strong, but more so with the added muscle. He didn’t deepen it more than was necessary, he just wanted you to feel it, to feel him. 

When he broke away, you were both breathless. Eddie adjusted under you, delicately moving you back to the blanket where you sat back on your heels. He reached into his jacket pocket, the velvet box he proposed to you with looking small in his hands. 

“I -cough- I wanted to give this back to you,” he said, holding the box out. 

“No pressure or anything, I don’t have any expectations. I just wanted you to have it, for whenever you’re ready. If you’re ever ready.” 

You took the box and opened it, the ring just as big and sparkling as ever in the light of the moon. 

“I’m sure I’ll be ready soon,” you said, a little laugh leaving your lips, “My outfits have been looking really drab without it.” 

He crawled over and pulled you in close to him, leaving a kiss on your temple, “I promise, you are never looking drab.” 

The moon watched the both of you sit there for another hour or two. Sometimes talking, sometimes staring at the water between soft kisses and touches. 

“I know I got a long road ahead,” he whispered while stroking your hair, your drowsy head back on his lap, “But it’s not scary for me, I don’t think – I think it’s good. I know you’re at the end of it, I know��we’re at the end of it.” 

[reasonsforhope]

Thanks to @gardening-tea-lesbian for posting about this and bringing it to my attention!

--

The Biden-Harris Administration wants to make substance abuse treatment more accessible for all prisoners in the U.S. Addiction is common among people in prison, and treatment helps fight recidivism and reduce overdose rates.

From Federal Prisons To State Prisons

By this summer, all federal prisons will offer addiction treatment, Dr. Rahul Gupta, director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, said last week.

Federal officials want states to follow suit. Starting this spring, Medicaid funds will be set aside for states to use in their own jails and prisons to provide mental health services, including SUD treatment.

Approximately 25% of all Americans received Medicaid benefits in 2022. For people with low incomes, Medicaid is the largest provider of funds for healthcare services.

The Biden-Harris Administration has shown a commitment to helping underserved communities receive addiction prevention, treatment, and recovery services.

This includes services for rural populations and Tribal populations along with people who are incarcerated.

Addiction In Our Prisons

It’s hard to know precisely how many incarcerated people have an SUD, but the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) estimates that about 65% of all inmates do.

NIDA estimates that another 20%, who didn’t meet the official criteria for an SUD, were under the influence of drugs or alcohol when they committed a crime.

Overall in America, about 40 million people ages 13 and over are living with addiction, or about 12% of the population, according to the 2020 National Survey on Drug Use and Health.

How Treatment Helps Prison Populations

Drug abuse treatment is effective. For people in prison, receiving treatment can mean the difference between staying out of jail once released or returning behind bars.

It can also provide them with the mental clarity and tools to meet the challenges of life, improve their mental health, and succeed in their relationships and work.

Aids Long-Term Recovery

The Biden-Harris Administration is focusing on evidence-based treatment methods to help people who are incarcerated get and stay on the path to addiction recovery.

This includes medication-assisted treatment (MAT), which combines the use of medications like buprenorphine with behavioral therapy to treat opioid abuse.

Buprenorphine, the first medication that could be prescribed by physicians to treat opioid use disorders, helps people overcome addiction in a few ways.

Using buprenorphine helps with recovery by:

reducing cravings

diminishing opioid withdrawal symptoms, which include flu-like symptoms and severe anxiety

improving safety, if overdose occurs

lessening the chance of misuse

One study in support of buprenorphine’s effectiveness showed that participants receiving the medication were almost twice as likely to remain in treatment and not relapse.

Prevents Overdose Deaths

According to U.S. News and World Report, the leading cause of death among people newly released from prison is drug overdose.

This is partly due to the fact that their tolerance levels decrease while incarcerated, so they aren’t able to tolerate the same amount of the drug as before they were in prison.

The buprenorphine study mentioned above also revealed that people not receiving the treatment had a 20% mortality rate."

-via Addiction Resources.net, 3/9/23

[drh3nryj3kyll]

Hello! I’ve seen your posts and reblog an about nod as well as other people’s and they were a bit nervrackingly relatable. I did a built of research on it but I want to know a bit about it from a real person who has it before I try to get diagnosed. So can you tell me like symptoms and things like that? If you’d like

Of course! I'm assuming you meant NPD and nod is a typo. Just a warning, I am self-diagnosed (I've done months of research and reflection, though, and was in denial for a while) but I do plan to get an official diagnosis sometime in the future, I don't trust mental healthcare here but I might try the next time I see my psychiatrist.

Anyway, I'll get started. The experiences of pwNPD (people with NPD) may vary, but I'll speak from my experiences.

I tend to be very self-focused, arrogant, and especially hyperfixated on the idea of me being successful. My need to be successful, to be someone is something that deeply affects me in my daily life. I might act like I'm the best and seem quite pretentious, but admittedly, the self-esteem of pwNPD is extremely fragile. Big ego (which is also fragile), fragile self-esteem. I also withdraw from any situation in which I know or think I have a possibility of failure. For me, this includes music. I also tend to get pettily upset at even the smallest losses, like, for example, when I lost a simple checkers match with my partner. That was well over weeks ago, but my ego still hasn't recovered from that. A lot of pwNPD also have difficulty with empathy. I'm not sure if my low empathy is due to my autism or my NPD, but I experience it nonetheless. I have a lot of difficulty imagining what others feel like or even caring about how they feel, even if it's someone I like. I do try to help or comfort them, but inevitably I don't empathise with them. It's rare, but I have heard of high empathy pwNPD too. Many pwNPD struggle with vulnerability as well. It makes us feel weak, incompetent, the sort. We don't want that because we want to see ourselves as perfect, which is why it can sometimes be really difficult to trust people with our feelings. I don't even trust my own boyfriends to be vulnerable with them.

Why does NPD develop? NPD develops usually in childhood to early adulthood, and is lifelong. Most of the time it's from childhood trauma or excessive praise at an early age. Now me? My father was mostly absent during my entire life, I'm hyperverbal, meaning I was able to make use of language at a very early age, and I'm a skilled artist and story writer, I've also been very knowledgeable and curious, and quite ambitious at a young age. Of course, this led to the adults around me constantly praising me when I was young, constantly indirectly setting expectations for me, telling me I'd be something great. Soon, the praise, at least from my mother, felt very half-assed and I started feeling like I was doing something wrong. I'd always been very ambitious, so I don't know how I could live with myself if I died a nobody. I've had some trauma too which really stressed me out, etc., which could've contributed to how I am now.

There are also things like narc crashes. NPD crashes often occur when a pwNPD doesn't have enough supply, but it may happen after receiving critique or otherwise too. Supply is what narcissists need to keep themselves from crashing, which typically includes amounts of praise or compliments. When I crash, I tend to withdraw from people and be overly critical of myself or quite angry, and it often results in my mental breakdowns or meltdowns due to my incapability of handling strong emotions.

And heres a resources masterlist, they have a diagnostic criteria somewhere in there too https://www.tumblr.com/mischiefmanifold/728311937261355008/image-description-dark-pink-text-on-a-pale-pink?source=share

Even if you do end up not having NPD but still seem to struggle with things we do, or if you do find out you have NPD, here are some things that you might find useful.

Make people aware of your needs. It's okay to ask for a little praise or compliments once in a while, and they can really make me feel better and prevent me from crashing or having a meltdown. I also have a bot for compliments over here.

Keep a little collection, maybe a corner or an album, of things you're proud of. When you're feeling worthless it can help to look back on previous achievements and strive to be better.

Remember to be patient with yourself. It's fine to be the way you are, it's fine if you won't change, it's fine, really. But I know if you're struggling with how NPD or NPD traits affect you if you do have it, you can definitely find a way to properly accommodate yourself and your needs to live better.

I'm still learning myself on how to accommodate my needs and work through my struggles, but I hope that helps.

Tell me if you have any more questions or concerns!

[deiongill]

Today I am 8 days into quitting vaping after 4 years. To be honest, it was a lot easier than I expected. I’ve done my fair share of googles on what quitting vaping and nicotine all together is like, so I assumed that I would be in a constant state of panic for 2 weeks straight with some of the worst symptoms known to man. Was I being dramatic to think that? Yes. Was I crazy to think that and also be so down to white knuckle it and quit semi-cold turkey? Maybe. Now I’ve had a few days in the past week where the motion sickness, irritability and constant background headaches were a lot to handle, but I honestly made it through pretty smoothly.

It was a very simple and quiet decision that I made to quit entirely, and it was in 3 steps that I made it happen and got to the point where I’m typing this without the urge to pick it back up again after only 8 days. The first step was no longer buying new vapes, so I could only hit the near-empty ones I had lying around the house. Not a very glamorous thing to say out loud seeing that I had about 15 of them hiding in random places in my apartment and car, but nonetheless it helped to get the process started. The faded and worn out flavor, plus the disappointing lack of “smoke” exhaled from each hit felt like it was training my brain to no longer rely on vaping to give me the same sense of satisfaction that I once received from it. The experience was now a lackluster excuse for a bad habit. Did I continue to do it? Absolutely. I reluctantly used up all 15 of the near empty vapes in about 2 weeks, and by the end of it I was almost glad to be done with them.

Step 2 was a huge jump, but somehow it felt easy. Here’s what happened leading up to it in reality… I cheated the process, but not without good reason. I finished my last used vape on the way to the airport to fly out to Atlanta to see my family for 2 days during Christmas. When I landed and got picked up, I had already decided in my mind that I was going to buy one last vape for this trip, because I couldn’t bear to let the withdrawals kick in while I was with my family. That was just something I didn’t see going well. So I purchased myself a cheat day vape and went about my holiday before throwing it out as I left for the airport to head back to LA. Step 2 was now in effect. This was the rule of no longer having any vapes to myself, and only being able to take 1 hit of my best friend and roommate Crispin’s vape per day. Luckily I was in the studio for the majority of my time during this phase, so I would either come home around 9pm and hit it once after a full day, or, if I wasn’t in the studio, wait until about 3pm after I had already worked out or hiked before allowing myself to knock on his bedroom door and be met with his answer before I even asked the question.

Step 2 lasted for about a week and some change, and on January 5th, something miraculous happened in perfect timing. I was in an all-day session until 10-11 pm that night and returned home to take a nap before needing to drive Crispin to the airport early in the morning. He was already asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up with my nicotine junkie tendencies, so I refrained from knocking on his door. Somehow, without even noticing it, the clock had struck midnight and I had officially made it a full 24 hours without vaping at all. Not even a single hit. It didn’t occur to me until I was getting back up out of bed to leave for the airport, but when it did I was surprised and proud. I decided that there was no turning back from it, and I would go without my Elliot Smith-esque last hit moment. There was no fond farewell to a friend. I had officially quit vaping for good. It was time for step 3.

This past week has been strange when it comes to the specific experience of completely quitting. I remember moments of nausea, headaches, lack of focus, and compulsive eating, but never once did I feel the urge to make all the discomfort disappear by taking the easy way out. I stood on the word that I gave to myself and refused to budge. I gained a lot of respect for myself this week, respect that was earned by choosing my future over my present. I showed myself tough love, real care and kept a promise. I don’t know what version of me is going to be able to see that promise come full circle and be able to say “I’m so thankful I made that decision”, but I’m looking forward to being that version of myself, no matter how far away that is. I proved that I’m worth being looked out for, taken care of, and respected, even if only by myself. I showed myself that I matter by doing this, and I set an example for all the other parts of me that I want to work on and improve. If I can do this, what else can I do?

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for getting revenge on a guy by using his bureau's name to commit crimes (and various other things) after he drugged and locked me in a house for 3 days?

I (28M) was working peacefully at the local temple when someone tried to assassinate me. This guy (28M) stopped the assassin but arrested me due to being a suspect in an ongoing investigation of a murder/theft that occurred on the outskirts of town.

He's second in command of a bureau that works directly under the Emperor, so he had the power to do this. In an attempt to get a confession or information out of me, he drugged me and locked me in a house for 3 days.

For context, I've always been sickly due to failed poisoning attempts on my mother while she was pregnant with me. So, as you can imagine, being drugged and having no food or water for 3 days almost killed me.

Of course, I didn't kill those people or steal that artefact, so he eventually had to let me out since I wasn't admitting to anything. The real reason he let me out, though, was that he suspected I was working for another bureau controlled by the Empress.

Unlike the one controlled by the Emperor, the one under the Empress worked much more secretively and wasn't public with their members. He thought that the other bureau would be investigating the same case, as it was rather high profile, and wanted to get information out of me from that angle.

Immediately, he started acting overly friendly with me. At least he started feeding me actual food though. I was getting withdrawal symptoms from the drugs, so he offered me more, which I turned down, as it was obviously an attempt to control me.

He asked me to leave my job and join his Bureau, offering me a position. I called him a motherfucker who didn't let me eat for 3 days and now he wants me to work for him? Absolutely not.

He dragged me to an auction house where he suspected the stolen artefact may be sold, asking me for details/profiles on as many people as he could. I have a photographic memory, so those were pretty easy to provide. He also pretended we were dating to get some other guy with a crush on him off his back, which I was pissed about. The audacity to use me as his fake lover after everything he's done.

So I took a mouthful of mulberry juice and dramatically spat it out as if it was blood. I've always been sickly, so I already looked the part. I yelled at him for sleeping with my sister (didn't happen) and having violent bdsm sex with us both (also didn't happen). I also slapped him at some point. I pretended to cry and break up with him, saying I couldn't take it anymore. I was causing a scene on purpose and was going for maximum humiliation points. He was pretty well known/respected, so hopefully that caused some damage to his reputation.

This is the first of many things I have done in revenge against this guy.

The next was when a group of assassins tried to kill him. I watched, of course, until he was dangling off the edge of a cliff. Obviously, I seized this opportunity to grab him by the hand and told him to call me daddy three times, or I'd drop him off the cliff. He gave in, but the assassins circled back around, so we both ended up hiding in a caved in ledge on the side of the cliff.

He tried to do the same thing to me and asked me to call him daddy, or he wouldn't pull me up. I told him my dad was dead (semi lie), and he apologised and dropped it.

Some time later, after we'd pretty much finished the investigation for that case (we found the girl that did it, she sold out her partner in crime so he offered her a job under him at the Emperors bureau), I asked him for his token. Basically, every high-ranking official has a token they can give to someone to allow them to give orders in their place, and those orders would have the same authority as if they had come from the person who's token it was.

He gave his to me, and I immediately started doing crimes in his name. Like going to peoples houses and demanding to see the bodies of their recently deceased. Every time someone protested, I told them to take it up with the Emperor's bureau. I was doing this to quickly get access to evidence/information for another case I was working on. I basically had infinite no warrenty required searches, and all the backlash would fall on him. Some of his subordinates came with me, and they tried to stop me, but they couldn't since I had his token and he outranked them.

In my defence, I'm pretty sure he was well aware that I wasn't going to be doing anything good with his token, given my entire attitude towards him for the past few weeks. He definitely gave it with the acception/expectation that I'd be up to something. He's not that stupid.

He's also germaphobic, so I forced him to touch some dead bodies. Or sometimes I touched him after touching dead bodies. I chose all these times to be when we were on undercover missions, so he couldn't react without drawing unwanted attention. I could tell he was freaking out and screaming internally, though.

Here's where I might be the asshole. So he originally suspected me of being a member of the Empress' bureau. He was correct, as I'm actually the first in command of it. I planned this entire thing from the start, like the fact that I was at the temple that day and being suspicious enough for him to arrest and lock in a house.

I had several motivations for doing this. The first was that the Empress' bureau is understaffed. Since we prefer to keep our operations more secret, less staff is our operating strategy. This comes with the obvious drawback. By staying with the Emperor's bureau, I was able to split my two subordinates into another team.

I was communicating with my subordinates by leaving messages at locations our bureau had already secretly turned into a base, like restaurants and teahouses. This brings me to my second reason, I wanted to obtain information from their bureau. I took whatever findings/leads they had and communicated it to my subordinates to investigate. It was useful having an entire other organisation doing a lot of the work.

The third reason is that I knew the guy I've been talking about was responsible for a peace negotiation with a neighbouring settlement. It was an important negotiation, so both bureaus had sent a representative. I was the one from mine of course. I didn't trust the other not to fuck it up, so I needed to accompany him and gain his trust so that he'd listen to me and let me handle the talk.

The building ended up collapsing, but I was fine since my subordinates were able to protect me. It was funny to see how worried his face was, though. I wonder if I should have played dead just to mess with him a little more.

Anyways, the talk didn't go anywhere since the delegate the settlement sent didn't hold any actual political power, but she promised a talk with their leader. So we began travelling with her there.

For some reason, he insisted on disguising himself as my wife. Let me stress, there was absolutely no need for him to do that. He was just being fussy as he said disguising himself as a peasant man wasn't showing enough of his "natural beauty" or something, so he insisted he should at least be a mid maintenance wife. He just couldn't stand having dirt in his hair. Did I mention he's a huge narcissist? That and his obsession with his appearance and the germaphobia really makes for a terrible combination. Everytime we've stopped at an inn so far, he insists that all the bedding and sheets be changed, and he refuses to eat from a bowl even if it's been washed, so he buys a new one each time. And he has the money to actually do it, too. He's from a wealthy family, so he's never had the reality check of a financial limit. Truly ridiculous.

Like I said earlier, I used this to force him to touch more dead bodies. He retaliated by getting further into the wife roleplay.

Lot's more happened, but I'll just go through the key points.

He stabbed me in the neck on a mission at some point. He was working as a double agent and had to prove to the other group that he really was loyal to them. He was smart enough to miss all the major arteries though, but I still almost died since I'm physically weak, so he spent a lot of time at my bedside healing me.

One of my subordinates spent her time getting me 3 rare medicine pills. She hates the guy, by the way. I gave her a job when she was on the streets with no one else to turn to, so she might be overly protective due to that. The guy managed to get himself possessed by a cursed artefact and almost died, so I gave him the pills. She was pissed about it, he basically offered to marry me, and so on.

Remember the girl who killed people and stole an artefact from the first case? She was given a job for him, so we had her disguise herself as him for a mission to throw off the enemy. After that mission was done, she tried pranking me by pretending to be him. It didn't work. Then, some rich houses were caught embezzling government provided rice from public relief funds, but refusing to admit it, so I called them all into a room and asked her to just start killing everyone who denied it (she was still dressed as him). The rest confessed and revealed where the rice was stored. Another problem quickly solved while simultaneously dragging his reputation through the mud.

He got accused of treason, so I arrange for actual human waste to be placed in his cell. This forces him to cut his long hair off since the smell wouldn't come out, which he was mad about since he's so obsessed with his hair.

And the most recent thing I've done, he sent me a poem about his heart or something, so I sent him an actual pigs heart, still covered in blood. Wish I could've seen his reaction, but I imagine it's quite funny.

Oh I almost forgot, I commissioned gay porn in his name.

So did I go too far? AITA?

[elskamo]

Dafuq is happening with Ron? The Masterpost!

Hey all, sorry it's taking me a while to update you properly about what's going on IRL. There is... a lot that's been happening and some of it has taken me awhile to wrap my head around and figure out how to explain so please bare with me.

If you just want to know what's happening with my various blogs and accounts (on Tumblr that'd be this blog right here and @official-fresh-tv-blog) then feel free to skip to "My Fandom Situation" at the end of the post (hence the Total Drama tag attached). At some point I'll be updating the abouts on both blogs so if you CBA to read this then you can at least get a vague idea of what's changed when those update. You may also be able to kinda twig one of the main announcements from the tags as well.

I'm gonna put all this shit under the cut because it is LONG. As always if I forget to tag something please let me know so I can add it ASAP. And if you have any questions please don't be afraid to ask me outright.

My Health Situation

As I've mentioned before both my physical and mental health are utter shite that I barely get any help with. I have very little recollection of my childhood, especially before age 8 or so, as an adult when it comes to my dissociation I only lose a couple of days memory at most. Despite this I recently lost two whole months of my memory, hence my disappearance around late April/early May to late June/early July.

A couple of weeks ago I was finally able to speak to a doctor on video call about my mental health and to get a clearer picture on what my dissociation actually is. Given my background and anecdotal evidence from friends (but not family because they notice absolute fuck all) I'm pursuing a more up to date diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder which the doctor agreed is likely (as well as FINALLY getting an official C-PTSD diagnosis). In total honesty I've had my suspicions since around 2018/19 when friends started mentioning suspicious changes in my behaviour and voice as well as my apparent use of a completely different name at one point.

When I finally started interacting with other people who dissociate within the Total Drama fandom during the lockdown in 2020 I realised what might be happening and kept telling myself to reach out to other users but I was far too scared to say anything due to my own lack of knowledge on DID and Dissociation in general and my confusion about how I could possibly not know for so long. If there are any users with DID that are willing to reach out I'd really appreciate it, especially as I'm getting used to the various terminology and figuring out how to interact with the rest of the system, most of which understandably ignore me for the most part given some of my previous shitty and ignorant behaviour and reluctance to get properly diagnosed.

I still haven't told the family I am in touch with simply because they don't particularly give a shit about my mental health, they tend to just assume they know what's going on and run with that. The fact that zero people in my family noticed anything strange when other people around me did also put me off saying anything, right now I'm planning to wait until I have an official diagnosis but I may say something sooner.

I'm waiting on two appointments, one with the same doctor to catch up in September and one with a psychologist who'll have a deeper understanding of trauma and Dissociative issues. I'm also waiting to start new meds as mine have been completely overhauled, this means I'm currently having withdrawal symptoms coming off the old ones and when the new ones are finally ready I'll likely be a bit erratic for the first few weeks due to the side effects. Apologies in advance, I promise several people IRL have been informed and will be keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm okay until the meds kick in properly.

Following my two month memory lapse I also had Covid for the majority of July and am still kinda foggy now, which explains the rest of my absence. I'm not entirely sure what my physical health is like due to having lost my memory but my chronic pain doesn't seem to be flaring up at the moment at least, that being said I was having major problems with my chronic pain prior to my two month dissociative period.

On the plus side of things I finally have an appointment booked with a new NHS gender identity clinic in London so that I can get assessed to start Testosterone therapy! At the moment it's tentatively booked in for September 3rd however I've been told they may be able to move it to a different time slot if they can find one with one of their newer staff given how difficult it'll be for me to travel up there for the early morning (for context it takes about 3 hours to get to London from where I am in Dorset and another 3 hours to get back, most of the appointment slots are at 8 or 9am!)

My Home Situation

Absolute fuck all has changed with my home situation. I'm still stuck at the house where I was previously abused a lot and am not currently in a position where I can find a new place or move in with someone else. A couple of friends have offered to let me sofa surf back and forth between them if needed but I have no immediate long term plans.

I found out a couple days ago that Damien decided to make a post on my behalf venting about my home situation which I will now be deleting. Essentially while everyone in the household caught Covid last month my relationship with my Mum swung back to being quite abusive again and she threatened to kick me out. That being said, I will acknowledge she has genuinely been trying to understand my situation and be a better mother towards me since I became homeless the first time around back in 2018 and no physical abuse has taken place since then.

Right now it appears I'm safe but at the time Damien posted there appeared to be a very high chance that I was going to be kicked out and have nowhere to live. My mum hasn't brought up her threats again since Damien's vent post so hopefully we still have somewhere to stay for the time being.

My Money Situation

Leading on from my home situation, my money situation has worsened drastically. As many of you know I've been fighting a losing battle for years attempting to get my disability benefits back and since being made redundant twice I've been living solely off of the single component of Universal Credit which amounts to less than £400 a month to cover all my living expenses. My housing benefit is gone until I'm able to leave Mum's and I'm still waiting for my appeal to get the unfit for work/sick portion of my Universal Credit back.

My mum refuses to budge on the amount of money that I pay her to stay each month and she has recently been getting me to pay for more frivolous expenses like multiple takeaways because she hasn't been buying enough groceries and being ill has left the three of us unable to cook. Factor in other expenses like transport to get to appointments, the most basic phone bill I can get away with, and unexpected emergencies like my tech breaking and I'm no longer able to cover my living expenses at all and no longer have any savings money left to cushion the blow.

I'm now at a point where I'm in my overdraft every month and resorting to begging friends for loans to keep me afloat so I don't get charged. The situation with my health has not helped with being able to find work, either freelance or a permanent role, so unless I'm able to get money from things like my Ebay, Etsy, or Redbubble stores I don't have anything else coming in that can help me cover my most basic needs.

I'm doing my best to get back on track with job hunting as both the job centre and the local Restart program I've been forced to go onto are insisting I need to be applying for a certain amount of jobs per week and attending regular face to face appointments with them otherwise they'll take away my benefits. I've almost finished updating my CV and website and have a mandatory job fair I've been told to go to on Wednesday so hopefully I can find work again soon, but given my health situation and the fact that I shouldn't actually be working this may still be very difficult.

I know I post about this a lot and many of you have your own financial struggles but please if you're able to, donate to my Ko-Fi page or buy something from one of my stores. Even if you're not able to help me directly just sharing them with your friends/followers can make a huge difference!

My Fandom Situation

You may have noticed by now that my Etsy store has been closed for a few months and I've gone back to posting a lot more infrequently on my Tumblr, DeviantArt, and Archive of our Own accounts. I've also been letting asks pile up in my inbox. I'm attempting to catch up on my fandom stuff as fast as I can but obviously I'll be doing this around all the IRL stuff I'm dealing with.

For some reason a lot of the asks and messages I've been receiving have been straight up disappearing, right now I only have one ask on each blog and one private message to my knowledge, everything else has somehow gone. If when I post answers to both asks you don't see yours answered please feel free to send it again and I'll get to it as soon as I can! If it's something I'm not comfortable answering I'll say so outright so you know that I did receive and view your ask.

I have a massive backlog of fics and art I'm trying to finish off and post, again I'll get to these as and when I can before starting on any new projects. I've been keeping a spreadsheet of all the smaller pieces I want to work on for people to vote on once I've cleared my backlog. My larger projects will take a little (okay, a lot) more time to post.

I'll only be reopening my Etsy store once I'm certain I've got a handle on my health, as usual I'll only be accepting a few orders at a time and keeping the prices fairly cheap so they're more affordable for people that want to buy. As always, Redbubble is always active as is my Ebay account, though there are still a few products I need to update or upload on both platforms that aren't on there yet. If there's any art you'd like me to prioritise adding for you to purchase on Redbubble please feel free to reach out and let me know.

I'm going to be updating the about posts on both my Tumblr blogs soon to better reflect what they're for and who is posting. I'm currently planning on making the Ronnie Rambles tag my personal one instead of using it just to show which posts have been queued up ahead of time. The two alters that I've talked to will definitely have their own tags as well though I have no idea how often they'll be posting.

[belle-keys]

An update to my chronic OCD and OCPD story: A new chapter?

So, in October of 2021, four months after I had gotten my official OCD and OCPD diagnoses, I made this post sort of briefly chronicling my experiences with OCD and OCPD since childhood (more so my OCD, as I really don’t have that much intense or debilitating OCPD symptoms). Little did I know that in June of 2022, I’d have a sudden, awful OCD relapse that would put me back on Paxil. So here’s how it’s been since then.

I obviously did not think I’d have an OCD relapse, but guess which stupidhead decided to stop taking Paxil the day before Ramadan started in April of 2022 and suffered unimaginable withdrawal symptoms while fasting and also on the most hormonally destructive birth control ever? I do think having an awful immediate post-Paxil period was what had kicked off the relapse. I didn't give myself time to experience withdrawal in a healthy way. And then I got Covid in May, hah. By June, my sleep schedule had not adjusted since my Covid had hit and I was only sleeping properly about 3 or 4 nights a week. I started compulsively ruminating about some vague stuff one day and then my sensorimotor OCD specifically dialed up to 100. I think I didn’t sleep for about five days straight before my mom was like… girl. You need to go back on the Paxil. Look at you. I was extremely hostile towards the idea of going on Paxil again, because it’d mean I’d be going into my fifth year of OCD medication and I’d have to deal with the pain of tapering and withdrawal all over again at some point. It felt like I was back to square one. This would have been my fourth time turning towards medication in desperation, my third ever OCD relapse, and I was like just please no. However, after another sleepless night, I realized I simply could not go on like this without doing anything. I kind of short-circuited and just agreed to restart the Paxil that day, and so I started a course in mid-June with an even larger dose than I had been taking in 2021.

I spent the rest of that vacation actually really chill and contented with life, no lie. I was really excited for uni to reopen in the fall. I was also feeling my obsessional doubts lurking about much less. My mind was quiet and lulled. Let me make it clear: my compulsions did not cease, they were just much less intense and less debilitating. I still did compulsions daily, in a maladaptive way. But I also started paying attention to the idea that, huh, maybe I don’t absolutely need to immediately do all my compulsions for several hours a day. If the medication can make the obsession go away, then the obsession’s not… real. Whoa. Like while on the Paxil, I knew my fears were still, logically speaking, wriggling behind the surface, but I wasn’t responding to them because I didn’t feel the anxiety and the panic they would usually cause. So, didn’t that mean that I simply… don’t have to respond at all? I won't die if I don't do it. So it was in October of 2022 I tried some very passive non-engagement and non-responsive strategies for the first time on my own. I would simply remind myself that I don’t have to do this thing even when I felt the mortal urge to do the thing and that I wouldn’t collapse into pieces if I didn't do the thing. I was still drugged up, but it was a turning point in my OCD journey where I applied some logic to my predicament and realized I don’t need to be doing any of these compulsions at all for something catastrophic not to happen. By last fall, my OCD was revolving around four main themes (the usual suspects): existential OCD, sensorimotor OCD, general Pure-O, and perfectionism OCD. Since I was a small child, I have had multiple theme switches but these are the ones that have stayed for the last couple of years. I discovered last fall that non-engagement was very much doable (even though I wasn’t actively doing ERP yet).

By the first week of 2023, I firmly decided I wanted to make a change in my life: cut off the meds and stop being plagued by OCD. So I started researching the basics of ERP, the different ERP models, stuff like ACT and ICBT, and liaising with therapists. (These different treatments and acronyms are all easily googleable so... yeah.) The nature of my OCD is 90% mental and almost constant, and so it was decided between me and my psychiatrist that I'd have to do my exposures by myself, which was ultimately for the better. I supplemented the time not spent in a therapist's office by listening to podcasts by psychiatrists, licensed clinicians, and certified counselors which tremendously helped me as I started practicing ERP. And ERP is brutal, like I cannot stress this enough. I compiled a list of notes and ERP instructions to follow, following the model of RF-ERP developed by Dr. Michael Greenberg whose articles on OCD have completely changed the way I conceptualize OCD, and they deffo sped up my recovery. Ali Greymond's model for reducing OCD compulsions also immensely helped me on a daily basis to reduce compulsions and navigate recovery. The theories behind ICBT also helped me "respond" to my OCD in a logical realistic way, even though I don't believe ICBT in a bubble will truly work for me by itself to reduce my OCD; I think it'd only fuel rumination if used in isolation for me. What has really worked for me on the individual level is ERP using the Inhibitory Learning Model, supplemented with ICBT theory as a secondary measure. I truly believe each OCD client needs a customized approach to OCD treatment depending on their individual symptoms and compulsions. For example, traditional ERP sees obsessions as something "normal" and intrusive, which I've come to fundamentally reject and instead choose to see as the obsessional doubt which is is part of the obsessional process, following the ICBT model. However, to get rid of my intense compulsions and reduce the grip of the obsessional doubt on me, I still need to mainly do ERP using an Inhibitory Learning model. I don't see enough of ICBT being applicable to all of my obsessions and compulsions nor do I believe ICBT will work well enough on its own for my frequent theme switches. I think ICBT helps me logically conceptualize the obsessional doubt as a mechanism and reiterates everything I learn in ERP, but doing ERP with Inhibitory Learning is what primarily helps me understand and accept that the obsessional doubt was never true in and of itself and that not acting on it is always possible.

Most importantly, I stopped Paxil at the end of January 2023 after taperin for 3 months before. And I gave myself an ample emotional window to deal healthily with withdrawal while also doing ERP multiple times daily. Which feels great. I was honestly sick and tired of living on medication for 5 years straight. Honestly, I feel like I've made some leaps in terms of non-engagement with my OCD symptoms. In the past it was always "I'll just mellow my mind with the meds" but I've come to realize my own personal agency in terms of doing compulsions. A major step I've made was the dissolution of the Thought Parliament and the Thought Guard (my psychiatrist approves of the names). For many years, I've manually sorted through and compartmentalized my different thoughts in a large mental cabinet that was carefully surveyed. I essentially, for many years, had my thoughts categorized and sorted in folders and cupboards, which I've come to name the Thought Parliament. I also used military-esque strategies to do the constant "checks and balances" on my thoughts in the Thought Parliament, a process which I've thusly named the Thought Guard. For the first time in my life, I've not let the Thought Parliament and Thought Guard dictate my life and I've been kinda normal in the head. I could not believe that this is how the majority of people live their lives, that is, with the absence of the constant irritation concerning just... regular thinking and information processing. It feels like coming up for air after being submerged for my whole life. As I had explained in Part 1, since I was a kid I've had OCD and so it's been very difficult for me to separate my OCD from myself, constantly defined by precise self-imposed mental rituals, and so it's quite a jarring (but welcome) experience to just think normally and realize I'm very capable of that.

I had a couple of setbacks in mid-March and early April. I've had several minor setbacks since starting ERP which is entirely normal, but I haven't had any signs of a relapse. I've tried to remain consistent in doing ERP and listening to information about OCD and ERP a few times weekly. Likewise, when I was diagnosed with OCPD, my psychiatrist said it's less about my visible behaviors-slash-relationships and more about my values and thought processes in terms of how my OCPD manifests. Essentially, my OCPD has often been one of the main driving forces of my OCD which in turn made my OCPD stronger. So I've been trying to reorient my values and be more mindful of my clinical perfectionistic tendencies, my workaholism, my rigidness. And I'm grateful that I've been doing better. I find I feel light-hearted when I conceptualize my mental health future right now. So I'm officially considering myself in OCD recovery, which isn't something I've ever actually done before. I think (I hope) that I experienced some growth this Ramadan, and so I'm going to try to keep the best of the holy month with me as I go forward into 2023. If you wanna discuss any of what I talked about here privately or via an ask, that's fine, but no reblogs on this post please!

[carnalhaus]

How did Val become a vampire

the short answer ? he didn’t.

the real answer ? it’s always been a delusion.

long post incoming lol

renfield’s syndrome isn’t a medical diagnosis, but it’s a parodied term for the symptom of an obsession with drinking blood. renfield’s syndrome can stem from various illnesses, usually associated with delusions, trauma, and paraphilias.

in val’s case, his renfield’s syndrome stems from somatic delusion. somatic delusions refer to beliefs that an individual’s body has something physically or medically wrong with it. this delusion may occur with tactile or olfactory hallucinations. val’s delusion in particular is that he needs to drink blood in order to survive, or else he’ll get very sick.

delusions can be caused by several factors, including genetic, biological, or environmental. with val, there may be some genetic causes that’ve been passed down from family, but it’s majorly environmental. according to the cleveland clinic, people who tend to be isolated, such as immigrants and those with poor sight and hearing, appear to be more vulnerable to developing delusions. val was born to immigrant parents in an isolated kansas settlement, with the entire county only having a population of roughly 1,800 at the time (1980s). val was also born legally blind due to OA type albinism.

for most people, the delusions are often chronic, though many have remission periods and can find relief with treatment. however, many people don’t seek help, as it’s very difficult for the person to recognize they’re unwell, and thus the condition can be lifelong. this is val’s case, as he wholeheartedly believes this delusion as fact.

continuing on renfield’s syndrome, in the past, some people have said renfield’s and clinical vampirism have been slightly different. clinical vampirism was associated more with an erotic obsession, while renfield’s was associated more with a form of disordered eating. even though they’re considered the same thing now, the previous distinction of renfield’s closely fits val.

psychologists have theorized the condition may start with autovampirism and progress to drinking the blood of animals, and in serious cases even people. val never had an autovampirism period, as it didn’t align with his delusion, and instead skipped to the animal period, which did.

very few cases of this behavior have been formally studied, so most information is left up to logical theorizing and analysis from known cases. the etiology is officially unknown, which leaves a lot of possibilities.

as for the effects of this behavior, vomiting is most common. if too much blood is absorbed during digestion it’s very possible for it to lead to hemochromatosis, especially when the blood isn’t accompanied by any food. with val, he might commonly have symptoms of vomiting, fatigue, lethargy, abnormal heart rhythm, memory fog, and joint pain. val’s belief that he’ll get sick without drinking blood is very real for him, as the symptoms of drinking blood are in his mind more of withdrawal symptoms. this sickly state is his typical one.

but why does val have this delusion ?

it’s because of his parents. nelu and erzsébet valentinescu are suspected to hold some degree of delusional behavior as well, which may very well be a genetic explanation for val’s condition. they were incredibly superstitious people, and used traditional superstitions and legends to justify their beliefs against val. it mainly started when he started getting old enough to show signs of his physical deformities, blind eyes, pale skin, sharp and malformed teeth (val’s ailments are likely due to the age of his parents, as they were 39 and 37 when he was born). they led themselves to believe he was some sort of strigoi, cursed by a witch in the womb.

they did care for him though, even though from an outside perspective it would be seen as very cruel, val always felt very loved. he was fed animal blood frequently, both him and his parents believing it would help him feel better (they lived on a farm and used livestock for food, that’s how he got it). val grew up believing that his parents were helping him, and his parents believed they were making the best of birthing a monster. his mom used to tell him, as a bedtime story, that he swallowed a lidérc when he was young, and it possessed him to become what he is now. a lidérc is a form of hungarian vampire, sometimes taking the form of a falling star.