#and ive realised that if i try to push myself past my breaking point i will only end up relapsing harder

[milkteafaeriie]

.

[0daytrick0]

Week 8...?

It's been a wild ride, but I'm nearly there. I am currently drowning in all of the work I have to complete, but the finish line is in sight.

I currently have 5 assessments that I need to start along with one exam to study for - well at least watch the lectures and stay on top of it before the exam.

Full time uni, let me tell you, even with having a flexible job, to maintain consistency and manage your time... It's a hurdle.

I just keep telling myself that it's my first official term at uni and I'm going to struggle with this one. Especially when I'm still finding my feet to figure out what works.

At the moment all I want to do is play fallout 4. It's my third playthrough and I got back into it after watching the show and now studying and working is a whole new level of hard.

But I will get there. I know I will. I just have to keep my head down now and concentrate. There are a whole lot of assessment to create and submit, but having these massive lectures to attend ONLINE, man, it makes it way harder than it needs to be. I cannot sit still for more than 30 minutes. 40 minutes on my good day. To have a 4 hour lecture with no breaks, man... It's just setting me up to fail. Especially when I'm in my own house. Do you realise how many distractions there are here? "There is a mark on my desk, let me clean it. I'll go grab a drink of water, oh wait the dishes need doing. I'll just sit down and make a to do list. Oh wait, not until I vaccume my carpet so I can focus."

I have always struggled with procrastination all through school, but this takes the cake. Even things I enjoy doing such as gaming I can't sit still for. It's crazy man. It took so long for me to be able to sit where I am now. To be able to attend University without worldly stress hurdles. I couldn't even attend my bachelor of psychological science after I graduated as I didn't have enough points. So I had to do an online pathways program for three months. I decided to apply for uni and went the year after that only to nearly end up homeless. So then I came back home, got my own place with my partner, and proceed to apply again but online and I am finally here. Ive made it past census date. And I am here for good now.

It took so long to get here. I was so excited about it too. Couldn't wait for a challenge and commit to a grind. But now that it's here... I'm exhausted. I want to quit. I'm starting to not care. I have little focus. It is fascinating at how the human mind works... Whatever the case may be, I am stuck here and commited either way. So I might as well make the most of it and push myself as far as I can (which is not far at the moment).

In between all of this I am trying my best to have money to pay for bills so it's not all reliant on my partner on top of saving money for my tattoo which has been 4 damn years in the making.

I need AT LEAST 5k to be able to drive there, afford the tattoo, and have money for food and accommodation. It's possible. It most definitely is, even with my studies. But it's the saving part that's the hardest. My god is it hard. When I finally can afford things, I just spend all my money on things I like. Don't get me wrong, it's things I use and have wanted for a while. But damn man, I really have to set my priorities. But a budget book and be strict with myself. Honestly, I need to be strict with myself with everything. Studying, saving, eating, going to the gym. I just really need to change my whole mindset and push myself. It's not about motivation, it's about consistency and building habits.

In other news, I finally bought my dream iPad pro along with the apple pencil. I couldn't afford it outright, and I couldn't justify saving for an iPad when I also want a tattoo. So I ended up using a credit card. Which is dangerous and I always swore to myself I would never do. But! I am only using it to pay off the iPad and will delete it once it's paid off. I have also locked the card and will hide the card away from myself. I will not build debt on appliances.

Right now I am planning out my whole week, dedicating time to the priorities, and making time to work as well as work out. It's going to be a massive week, but if I can just start all of these assessments, it won't be so bad.

[dis--parity]

the message.

Summary: Meanwhile, in a hospital in the south of Sweden, a person reduced to a thoughtless shell is filled with new life. Trigger warnings: None. Author’s note: A little bonus chapter that I was excited to get out! It pertains to the final interview file and, well... it’s a pretty big piece of someone’s story.

It’s such a strange, horrible sensation, being trapped in your own body. Motionless, breathless, not even able to blink, not even able to see what little I hear. Days have passed. Or at least, I think they have; all my vision’s a blackout, and I’m quickly losing track of all time. When your eyes aren’t open, when your brain isn’t working right but your ears hear everything around you, it all just seems to melt together. The conversations of the doctors and nurses around me change at the flip of a switch.

I can’t even bring myself to try and count the hours, the days, the months I’ve been out cold. The last sensation stuck in my mind is the impact of a hammer against my arm, my chest, my head. Then, numbness, darkness, oblivion. Absolutely nothing crosses my mind after that. And I can’t even remember how long it’s been this way. 

It’s funny. For as long as I can remember, I’ve romanticised the idea of shutting off from the world; to be alone with the imagination without having to concern yourself with the real world. What a dream that must be, I thought. What a unique, astonishing bliss that must provide. Though, now that I lay here, unaware of how long it’s been, where the hell I am, and without even the will to decide whether I should be thankful for, or horrified by this comatose oblivion, something occurs to me.

The lucky ones, I’ve come to realise, are the ones whose mind and body die at the same time.

Will I ever wake up? Or will this mind finally give in and follow suit to my failing faculties? When I think about it enough, it crosses my mind that it probably doesn’t even matter which way that goes; my mind’s been like scrambled eggs for as long as my eyes have been closed, for as long as this ventilator’s been stuck on my mouth and this IV has been in my arm. I can only think of one person right now that would miss me if I slipped quietly past the veil - and they aren’t even here.

 I hear a jingle from what I think is right in front of me; there’s a TV in the room. I hear the news come and go from time to time, when my brain decides to tune back into the world around it. I’m guessing it’s in the corner of the room, seeing as I’m in a hospital bed right now. I can at least guess that much. If I ever wake up, maybe I’ll get a nice window view. 

Who knows, though? My thoughts and musings about the ray of sunlight I’ll probably never get to see quickly fade away as I’m forced to listen to the the only thing that’s really present in the room. Well, it’s not like I can get up and change the channel anyway, and apparently, I’ve got all the time in the world to absorb whatever this is. Whether I’ll actually retain any of the passing news about politics, science, celebrity gossip and the like, that’s another thing. But this… it seems different to what I’ve heard before. I hear a man delivering a more serious, monotone preamble, but-...

“... as announced earlier, the entirety of the contents of these ‘Haemolife Files’ will now be played on this channel for the purpose of transparency towards the public…”     Haemolife.

My body would have jolted, if only it could. Who knows how long it had been since I heard that name? That name of which a single utterance was enough to snap me back into focus. Up ‘til that point, I could feel my grasp on awareness starting to drift... 

No.

I snatch my awareness back. I have to. For the first time in God knows how long, I had something to pay attention to. Something I had to try and listen to. The voice of an unfamiliar man talks about his discoveries in a crackly audio recording, and asks a question to someone else he’s apparently with. I don’t catch all of it, I know, and I wasn’t about to get my hopes up, but there was only one person I could think of at that moment.

    Gale. Gale. Gale.     Please.     Please, tell me someone remembered you.

“... why do this? Haemolife was more or less off the radar until that weapons shipment came in.”

“... think that was the point they factored Gale in… had the willpower to defy… didn’t have the same fear Iris did. They knew… they knew she’d blab eventually. Desperate times, maybe.”

...what?

No. There’s no way. There’s no fucking way. 

    Every part of me was looking out for that name -  a mention of her would have craved that phantom hunger my near-lifeless body felt right now. But, oh, did I hear so much more than my failing mind could have expected. She was dead. For the longest time, I thought she was dead. And now, as I’m hearing her voice, saying her name, talking about what she went through… I found my thoughts paralyzed again. It’s too much, this is far too much–

But, no! No! I can’t lose this moment! This might be the only chance I get to know that she’s alive, I can’t let my mind slip again now! My body doesn’t move, but I can practically feel my stomach turn as I try to regain my focus, try to recoil from the shock I heard from that name alone and listen, for God’s sake, listen to what she has to say.

“And the way Rosenfeld took ‘desperate measures’ was to initiate a terrorist attack before you could expose the truth?”

“No - not to take everyone else out. To destroy everyone in the know - myself included. Maybe something changed along the way, maybe they realised your CIA was onto them. Either way… it was the end for all of us.”

“Even the ones cross country… shit. They were prepared for this. Shit… I mean… you told me about your parents. I guess you didn’t leave anyone behind, at least.��

There’s silence for a moment. I wonder if I’m losing awareness again before I hear that familiar sigh through crackling audio. Finally, I heard her speak up again, her voice more shaken than it was before. I don’t know what led to me hearing this, what led to all this being exposed when it had been so long, but it was no less painful for me to listen to her, to be reminded of all that had happened to her, to us. I was starting to wonder if she even remembered who I was, when my answer came to me without me having to ask.

“… we did. Fuck. I did. We… couldn’t even say goodbye. We knew what was happening, and-... we pushed him away. We didn’t want to drag him into this, too.”

“Who?”

“… his name was Alex.“

Me? Me? She remembered, after all this time? I ask the brief silence that’s allowed between me registering my own name and her next sentence how this could even be possible. There’s no reply but the gentle static of the television as she continues speaking.

“He was there for us. If it wasn’t for him, we might not be Garis now.” ‘Garis’? What kind of name is that? Don’t tell me… no. Save that thought for another time.

“He showed us the best of times, and stuck with us in the worst of times. He knew… he knew about what we truly went through, we told him. And he helped us anyway. Loved us anyway. He…” ...what’s that silence for? “They, told me about how their dad used to isolate them socially, stick them to one place, and how they grew jealous of all the other kids who had parents who loved them, parents who took them places instead of keeping them cooped up in their rooms, parents that… didn’t have any agreement between each other to do what they wanted to their children. Together, we figured out ways to fight back against our abusers. I was able to defy the God in the Numbers because of them. Because of their... humanity, that nobody else showed us. Fuck… all that time, we thought we were saving them. But, now we’re together, we realise… they were saving us. If they became a target…”

I hear her sniffle. I feel as if I could cry, but my stupid, stupid body just won’t let me. It won’t let me get up, it won’t let me reach out, call to her, speak to her and tell her that I’m okay, that I’m happy that she’s okay! I wanted her to know, more than anything in the world, that I was thankful for her!

… tell me something,” I hear the other man say. “If there’s something you could say to them right now, if they’re alive, if they could listen... what would it be?” I didn’t want to stop listening to her voice now. If it were me, I know I’d refuse to answer and be out of there, and that’s precisely what I expected from her. We were the same, so I thought. And, hey, they never were the type to wear their heart on their sleeve. But that’s when I heard her again.

“… I’m sorry.”

I’m sorry I couldn’t explain to you what was happening, Alex. But… you saved my life. I wish I knew where you were, and I promise one day we’ll find a way to talk to each other again, someway, somehow, and I’ll tell you, once and for all…

Thank you.”

When I heard those words echoing in my mind, I thought I would break. Shatter like glass on this bed. That I would black out just from hearing her say that, and mean it. It was then that I realised something; for as comatose, unable to act or speak as I was, I was alive.

I’d finally stood up to my dad. It got me where I am now, but it was worth it. When I finally put that bastard in his place, when I made it damn clear that I wasn’t ever going to be a puppet again… I thought of her. I thought of all we’d been through, all she’d taught me. We were just kids, seeking shelter in each other’s misery, but we’d both saved each others’ lives through that. What goes around comes around, I guess.

I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to scream, I want to cry. I can already feel my mind drifting, her final words echoing in my brain as I slip back into my lack of awareness, the only proof I’ll ever have that the person I once loved and leaned on was alive. Who knows if I’d ever find her again? One thing’s for sure, though, I thought to myself as I drifted through that dark space once more, time losing all meaning in the face of one single, burning objective, my determination already scorching like the sun in my eyes, still forced shut. For as long as it would take for me to get out of here, get back into the world, I carried just one thought; I will wake up from this void, this nightmare. I will live. I will thrive. I’ll be free from the chains that held me down for all those years he stole from me. I will work for myself, and maybe, just maybe… I’ll love again.

I’ll manifest the one thing my dad was right about; I was born for greatness.

And now there’s a world waiting for me that’s worth waking up to. A world with you in it.

Please, for the love of God, wait for me.

However long it takes.

[outrebanx]

Dragonfly - Chapter 6

JJ Maybank x female!reader series

Summary: JJ and reader spend the day together, building on their feelings they’ve now admitted to each other but an accident ruins the end of the day (my summaries literally get worse with every one I write)

Word Count: 1.8k (shorter than the others I really struggled with what to write)

Warnings: language, injury (grammar probably)

Catch up: Chapters 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out but i didn’t know what I wanted to write (tbh I don’t even like what ive written but I needed to write something) and I still dont know how I want this series to end but it’ll probably be only another chapter or two - feedback is always appreciated :)

You had moved slightly in the night, but when you woke up, JJ’s arms were still around you, holding you close. You rolled over so you could look at him, his breathing still heavy as he was sleeping, his face a calm and relaxed, no sign of the emotion he had experienced last night.

Almost as if he had felt you looking at him, he opened his eyes, giving you a soft smile, “Hi.”

“Hey.”

“I didn’t leave in the night this time.”

You laughed, “I can see that, but I’m definitely glad you didn’t.”

“So am I,” he sat up, “anyway, what should we do today?”

“Well I don’t have work today so I’m completely free to do whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” He asked, his lips forming a smirk, eyebrows raised.

You playfully hit him, “Within reason you idiot - is your mind always in the gutter?”

“Yep, and it’s not my fault the effect you have on me.”

You rolled your eyes, getting out of bed, “Sure, well I’m gonna go and shower,” you put your hand up, stopping his comment before he could even say it, “without you, and whilst I’m gone you can decide what we’re doing today?”

He pouted, “I suppose, it’s not like I get to have fun.”

Smiling and shaking your head slightly, you leant down to kiss his cheek, “you can always have fun another time JJ.”

He was still watching you when you walked out of your room, his cheek warm from where you kissed him, as if he could feel the love through it.

—————

“Are we gonna invite the others?” You say to JJ, looking out at the ocean where you had planned to spend most of the day.

“Not today if that’s alright? I want you to myself for once and they don’t need to see my face like this.”

“Okay then,” you hugged him from the side, “just us.”

“I hope you’re ready to see that you’re not better than me at everything.” He said, walking towards the sea, board in hand.

You laughed, “You’re wrong but hey, I like the confidence - it’s kinda hot.”

“I’m always hot Y/N.”

“Come on,” you say, ignoring his last comment, “lets see if you’re all talk or not JJ.”

You and JJ spent the first half an hour trying to outcompete each other on every wave that came your way, you’d do a trick, then he’d do it and so on. Even with the competition  between the two of you, you were having an incredible time, something about being around JJ made your heart feel lighter and he was always cracking jokes which had a big part in this - anytime your face fell slightly, even if there wasn’t something particularly wrong, he was there, saying something stupid to make you laugh. This attention alone made your heart swell, it showed he was paying attention to your facial expressions, showing he cared. You were doing the same for him but his face was yet to show any sign of the sadness you’d seen last night, maybe he’d already put his wall back up, but even so you planned to make sure he was truly happy today, something you’d want if it was you.

The two of you had paddled out behind where the waves were breaking, floating on your boards, talking about everything and anything.

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” JJ said, “what’s with the dragonfly necklace? I’m yet to see you where anything else.”

You subconsciously reached up to hold the charm between your fingers, “My mum gave it to me when I was younger, there was this day where we out at a lake in the woods near us and a large dragonfly landed on my outstretched hand.” You smiled softly before continuing, “She took a picture of that moment and I earned the nickname dragonfly within my family - and since she died I’ve worn it everyday in memory of her.”

JJ smiled at you, “That’s really sweet, and at some point I think I’d like to hear more about your life before you moved here if you’re up for it?”

“Yeah I think I would be, it might take me a while though because I’m not one who shares things easily, but I think I could with you.”

“Alright then I look forward to it, and I’ll share stuff with you, and maybe we can both come out of it as better people.”

“Yes sounds good - get through the darkness together?”

He had paddled closer to you and held out his hand for you to hold, “Get through it together.”

You sat like that for a while, holding hands, floating on the water and enjoying each others company.

“Come on, let’s get a few more waves in, then we need to eat because I am starving.” He patted his stomach with his hands to emphasise his point.

“I was starting to think the same thing.”

You were about to head back to the beach when you saw a really promising wave begin forming behind you, so you paddled towards it, turning as it got closer so you could ride it.

You had been standing up on your board for a few seconds when you realised too late that you’d gotten too close to the rocks at the side of the beach, you tried to turn your board away from them but it was too late.

Your board clipped against one of the rocks, throwing you off your board and into the rocky water underneath.

As you fell you heard JJ shout your name, but it was of no use, you were already under the water, the waves turning you in the water - you felt the rocks scratch your arms and then this was followed by a horrible pounding in your head.

You must have backed out for a few seconds because the next thing you knew, JJ had his hands underneath your arms and was pulling you out of the water and onto his board

You coughed up some water, the hammering in your head too loud to even hear JJ say your name repeatedly.

Slowly the pain began calming down enough for you to take in your surroundings, you groaned.

“Shit Y/N, are you okay?” His voice laced with worry.

“Um yeah I think so, my head hurts and my arm…” you looked down at the arm you’d felt against the rocks, blood was all over it, one of the gashes was much deeper than the others, most of the blood seeping from it, “my arm also hurts.”

“Okay well let’s get back to the beach, then I can look at the injuries.”

“Where’s my board?” You had realised there was no weight on your ankle where it’s usually attached, JJ wouldn’t meet your eyes, “Where’s my board JJ?!”

“I’m sorry Y/N,” he pointed over to the rocks where you’d crashed, your board had broken with the force, “Shit, I don’t have enough saved for another one yet.”

“I’m sure it’ll work itself out, but right now we need to get to the beach Y/N.”

JJ got off his board, allowing you to lie down on his, and swam to shore, pulling you with him.

Once you were sat on the sand, JJ moved in front of you, moving your wet hair off your forehead, wincing when he saw the large cut there, “Um I think you should go to hospital.”

“No, I’m sure this is all stuff that can be bandaged at home.”

“Fucking hell, it’s not Y/N, I mean you can see your arm and your head is just as bad, please you could have a concussion or worse - let me take you to the hospital.”

“I don’t like hospitals JJ.” Avoiding his eyes, knowing you would agree with him if you looked into them.

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to one when you need it.”

“Ugh fine,” you reluctantly agreed, “but I don’t want my dad to know yet.”

“Okay, I’m taking that as a win,” you could tell he was more worried than he was letting on, still trying to make light of the situation, but with the pain you were feeling, you felt like there could be cause for worry.

He picked you up bridal style, one arm under your legs, the other around your back, careful not to hurt any part of you and carried you towards your car so he could drive to the hospital.

—————

Once you got there, JJ sat you down on one of the chairs in the waiting room before going up to the reception desk and trying to get some help.

You closed your eyes whilst you waited, hoping the lack of light will help the pounding in your head, but with them closed it didn’t take long for you to pass out, embracing the darkness where there was no pain.

There was beeping nearby, you opened your eyes to see you’d been put into a room and were lying on a bed - the beeping you’d heard was a monitor to the side of you. To the other side, JJ was sat gripping your hand with incredible strength, his head resting on a small gap on your bed.

“Hey,” your voice was croaky - how long had you been out?

His head whipped up, smiling “Hey, how you feeling?”

“Better I guess, what happened? How long have I been here?”

“Um you collapsed whilst I spoke to the person at the desk, which gave me a small heart attach by the way,” he couldn’t help but laugh at the ‘oops’ face you’d made, “and then they brought you into here to stitch up the big gash on your arm and forehead - I’ve been waiting for you to wake up for like an hour.”

“Wow best sleep I’ve ever had.” You joked.

He grinned at you and then squeezed your hand, “I’m really glad you’re okay, I don’t think I want to lose you yet.”

You squeezed his hand back, “You won’t - I’m too stubborn.”

He laughs, looking between your eyes and your lips, and as he leans forward, you let your eyes fall shut as his lips meet yours. The way he kisses you takes your breath away - it’s as if kissing you was all he ever wanted and the events in the past couple of days have pushed him over the edge.

You pulled back, smiling at each other, before he says “This is definitely the most eventful first date I’ve ever had.”

A/N: I almost took this to a much darker place but I’m in an alright mood today so I decided against it and hey I might save that for another fic/series

Taglist: @jellyfishbeansontoast @tangledinsparkles @k-k0129​ @jjsbxtch​ @outerbankslove​ @obx-beach​ @emerald-xcd​  @danicarosaline​ @belledutchess​ @teamnick​ @justcallmesams​ @claryherondhaleparker @hurricane-abigail​ 

strikethrough means I couldnt tag you :(

[mental-health-advice]

MASSIVE CW ABOUT SU*CIDE

I have a friend of 6 years. I love her dearly to pieces. she helped me through my high school depression saved me from committing suicide. because of covid i came back to my childhood town, and i was going to leave back to my city in may but something happened. recently she came to me saying she was suicidal. this broke my heart but i began to try my best to help, i called her everyday, tried to make her laugh, made her food, made sure she was drinking water, i hung out with her a few times & i began to see the light in her eyes a little bit. every time we hung out i would go home & cry because i have a deep rooted fear of death related to my ptsd so i was freaking out in the inside i was trying to be strong for her. trying to be her light but behind closed doors i was broken because these aren’t things i could magically fix for her. a week later we plan a picnic on a very emotional anniversary of mine to help me cope but it was a way of me making sure she ate too. point being is that i was already emotional the day, i know in no way was this an excuse but she started talking about how she felt. i panicked i had a full blown panic attack thinking about her dead. she asked me what was wrong & i blew up. i was holding her hand begging her to fight this, begging her to get therapy (she said she doesn’t like that it’s in person i said it doesn’t matter she needs to try) it all came out of my mouth, i regretted it as soon as it came out. i said that if she doesn’t want to fight for herself she could fight for me. i would miss her too much, i’m fighting for her. if she were to i will never forgive her. i told her if she was a ghost she would see how much it would affect me and the many people who love her so dearly . i told her the day she dies i die too a part of me does, i said weren’t you the one who said you’d tell me that i’m beautiful to the day we die & that’s not any time soon? i said i didnt mind taking care of her i would do anything to help and i’m trying my best to help but i can’t pretend i’m okay. i held her hand so tightly and said i was trying to push strength into her. i told her she needed to tell me when she got to that low point because i would come running to her door, i told her i don’t care i’ll listen to everything thats on her mind. i begged her to tell me what she wanted and she said everything i’m doing was more than enough. she proceeds to tell me im the only one who knows. i hugged her and kissed her and left home. she tells me everything i give her aka love and attention is everything she doesn’t want she just wants to be alone. i profusely apologized about my breakdown and said i was being selfish and dismissive and self centered. i just thought maybe if she knew my side she’d want to fight extra hard or something? my friend said that it’s things people need to hear that they’re not alone. so i haven’t talked to her in a month. in the past month i have experienced the worst pain of my life so far i have gone to hell and i have not came back. i’m so angry at myself, my body is a wreck i haven’t taken my meds as a self punishment ive lost 7 pounds because i haven’t ate becaus i throw everything up. i’m so guilty and i feel so selfish even though 7 people (including one who lost a brother to suicide) agree with me that i didnt do anything inherently awful. i don’t know why she expected me to be cool with this. to fold my hands and be like sure how ahead of course not! her and i have always been so involved in each other’s problems so it was expected i wouldn’t take it so easy that’s how ive always been so hand on with helping and providing support. i feel like in that moment i know i wasnt providing support. i had one job one job only to listen and even then i fucked up. i know it sounds like i managed go turn a situation to be about me i’m angry too. been a month ,i messaged her apologizing begging her to say something anything i’ll do anything to make it up to her i promised i would never flip out again. nothing. am i fucked? what should i do next? what woukd you do in my situation. thank you sm

Hey there Rose,

It sounds like you did everything you could for your friend from the very beginning. You went out of your way to help support her and continued to do so for as long as you possibly could!

It’s so hard when we are helping to support a friend through suicidal thoughts/ impulses, it can be so very draining on us and even if we are in a good headspace ourselves at the time. It must also have been triggering for you at times with your past struggles with suicide. I know that you probably felt like you had to really help support your friend as she had for you throughout high school but it’s so important to remember that we as friends can only do so much and even though she was there for you in your time of need, you don’t owe her anything. I know that this may seem harsh but it’s the truth. She was there for you as she was in a place in her life where she felt like she could help to support you. With this being said though, because you are supporting your friend it’s so important that you look after yourself too, that you don’t let her life and struggles with suicide consume you and become the center of your world. I know how easy it is to let this happen too, I’ve done it myself, and hence why I know how important self-care is.

I know that you are upset with yourself for ‘blowing up’ at your friend when you had that picnic with her but it sounds like things just got too much for you and that things were building up inside of you until you exploded, like a volcano. Please don’t beat yourself up over this, you did your very best to hold on for as long as you did and I’m sure your friend was really appreciative of you for that. Going home and feeling so upset and worried for her though is not helpful or healthy at all for you. You need to have other enjoyments in life, other things that you can focus on other than your friend if that makes sense? And I think that this is partly why you reacted as you did when you were at that picnic with your friend, you just couldn’t handle things anymore which is quite understandable I think given how much stress and pressure you were under at the time.

Given everything that happened, I do not think you have messed up at all and that you should give yourself a bit of a break! We are only human after all and like all humans we can only deal with and cope with so much until it all becomes overwhelming and explodes up in our face. Does that makes sense? And I know, I know how much easier it is to say this when you’re on the outside looking in, but please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a loving, caring, beautiful person and yes, it hurts that you haven’t heard from your friend for such a long period of time, but maybe this is just what she needs right now?

For example, maybe it’s given her the push she needed to get some professional help and start therapy? Maybe it’s taught her to stand a bit more on her own two feet or helped her to realise that in life it isn’t healthy to just depend on one person when you are struggling so much and so it’s best to surround yourself with a group of people so they can all help you together, share helpful ideas, support one another, things like that. There’s also the possibility that she feels really bad and guilty for all she has put you through and she feels like she needs to give you a break and some time off from the stress and all the pressure that was thrust upon you.

I do not think it is fair on you that she has cut contact and hasn’t replied to you at all but it’s important to know that this is her issue not yours. You have not done anything wrong and only did the very best you could have done given the situation, but please know that you can only help someone so much and sometimes it’s up to the other person (your friend) to let you in and to help themselves a bit too.

So given your situation that you are currently in, I don’t think that there is much you can do right now. I know how hard it is to just sit in limbo with everything but what else can you do until your friend decides on what she needs and contacts you when she’s ready to. So maybe in the meantime be extra kind to yourself, look after you, do some things that you love and enjoy doing and more importantly reach out to people yourself when/ if you feel the need to!

I really do hope that this has helped a bit and please do keep us updated if you want and let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you’re going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[greatcomettexting2]

the thing about the mod steph and mod nero of greatcomettexting is that i never got to parse out how icky they made me feel whenever i drew boundaries but i really want to because i still feel icky about it so ill warm myself some cawfee and do it now

nero talks a lot about how “none of us what REAL callout worthy things hes done!!” but i figure so long as my skins crawling about how obsessed they both were with me then i can risk his constant talk in every new server he joined about how he “has attempted literal actual murder” even if it was just him having an episode in high school and lobbing a brick

mod steph’s already had a huge history of not knowing when to draw boundaries with people and theres a dozen fucking people who can vouch for this because they all stopped talking to her once she started this weird shit. whether it was suicide baiting people into pitying her and listening to her for like all of 2017 or copy pasting other peoples vents to send herself(wild?) in the Vent Channel. clara talks a lot every one or two years about how much shes “changed” but she continually tests these boundaries to fuck around with people and nero isnt better in this respect at all. it felt like sometimes theyd realize something was a boundary for someone and then trigger it on purpose 

like. the first and biggest and weirdest thing is that nero and clara would take entire conversations i’d had years ago and roleplay them out WORD FOR WORD in text or on call. sometimes id get uncomfortable with how clearly they remembered each word in the conversation. this wasnt a one off thing, this went on from 2018 to today, and it really really disturbed me, but i had no idea how to talk to either of them about it, because when i did clara would act like she had no clue what i was talking about, and say shit like ““listen jules, i feel like this is one of those instances where you think somethings happening, but it isnt.” the excuse nero used for this was that “ive always thought jules was so cool” but that doesnt explain copying out entire conversations i had that he shouldnt really remember from as early as 2017. it did feel at times like he enjoyed taking on the role of me in these conversations and saying the things i said out loud. this got very very creepy very very fast

that brings me to the next thing which was this. weird obsessive fascination mod steph had with my approval. there is just so much shit.  she picked up her other name “clara” from a friend i have named kai who used to go by clara--the reason steph picked this name was because i would gush a lot about kai to her (which made me really happy because clara would have borderline suicidal breakdowns when i talked about my other friends.) she got really really fucking uncomfortable whenever i gave approval to anyone else too and would act like. a petulant child if i couldnt give her compliments she wanted. the most recent example of this was that i complimented someones selfie that wasnt hers she stayed cold to me for two days. i finally decided to ask her what was wrong and she admitted she had felt “kind of bad” when i ignored her selfie and when i asked her why she didnt communicate this to me, she explained she gets kind of “mean when shes high” (she doesnt, she has a bpd break for julesyboy’s approval when shes high.) she would also get super uncomfortable when i expressed attraction to Anyone, (romantic OR platonic) and begin comparing herself to them (why do this) on text and on call. a most memorable recent experience of this was when i explained to her in detail about a guy i like who’d bit his knuckle, and then she posted selfies everywhere of her blushing profusely and. biting her knuckle (and it really really wasnt the same, poor thing, she really did try.) theres dozens upon dozens of examples of this

and i realise that whole paragraph is wild and kind of funny if you think about it in the context of... like, a kid who admires the attention of their friend. but clara and nero would try their hardest all the time to test everyones boundaries to the point where it got way too weird. if nero knew something was specific to someones abuse he’d make sure to push them about it or make posts about how “weak!” it was for people to deal with “x and x.” or if someone were to expressed a self harming behaviour he would jump in w “OMG! LISTEN! I DO THIS TOO!!.” or he would make jokes about him “selling pics! this is just a reminder! :3 happy valentines day!” (same post, all platforms) before three of my friends who were sex workers approached me asking if this was a weird little joke. it really did feel like at times he said things he knew would shock people the most. and it really did feel like at times every time someone said something out of the ordinary he would. go out of his way trying to say he did that too, it wasnt a big deal. “it doesnt matter if youve self harmed yourself a lot, have i talked about how i once attempted murder yet. does that sound too edgy? i know people are scared of me... omg... omg omg.” and like this is all fine because if you hear his tinkly baby voice on call none of this shit is all that scary, no matter how much he talks about “how his friends think hes really really tough” (where are his friends.) but it does get a little weird when you think about how much of my trauma i confided in both of these two only to have nero blow it off, and how much they enjoyed doing that thing where they would roleplay out my conversations  from 2017 with nero in the role of saying the things i responded with.

the reason ive typed out this long ass post is bc it literally just made my skin itch a little. it still does. when nero and clara would Do The Thing where they played out jules’ old conversations and . when they would post a lot of selfies with captions like “ahhh i love myself! i promise!” only to see my pictures from 2017 and go “ughh... i was REALLY ugly back then, but i promise im pretty now! clara/nero was ugly too, not gonna lie!” before venting about how they were never satsified w their reflections in the mirror it was weird. when clara would vent every night i didnt compliment like. a fucking selfie of hers. about how Unloved She Truly Was it was weird. like bros i am an abused neet living at home and after im done college im fucking out of here forever... u have nothing to be weirdly obsessed about, and copying out conversations i had with you and things i said to years ago won’t make u love yourself any more

tldr: mods neroratio and stephclara were very microobsessed with my attention and with attention in general to the point where they would literally roleplay being me and act like i was “making things up in my head” when i asked them wtf was wrong. and if you remember them from greatcomettexting and admired them for speaking their truth then like. this is what they were like

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[buckyspetpsychopath]

We’re perfect

David dobrik x reader

Vlog squad

A/N: this was requested, and I wrote this from my phone notes so I hope this is ok! 😊

Masterlist

I open the door to David’s house instantly hearing the laughter and chatter. I smile and walk in and over the the living room where everyone was sprawled out. Carly is the first to notice me there and smiles, getting up to hug me. I go around the room giving people hugs after not seeing them for a week. When I make it to David the first thing I notice is his pissed off expression. Everyone falls back into their own conversations as I sit myself down on davids lap like I usually do.

“What are you doing here?” He hisses and I’m a little taken back.

“Uhm I texted you. But you didn’t respond and I saw on Instagram that people were here and I haven’t seen you for a couple days so I thought I’d come over.” I mumble and he scoffs.

“When I didnt respond wasn’t that an indicator that I didn’t want you to come. You’re always here, I need some space” he whines pushing me off him onto the couch next to him. My eyes fill with tears but I look away from him.

“Fine, whatever have your space I don’t care” I hiss back at him quietly before standing up. I cough a little to choke back my tears. “Uhm. I just realised, Ive got somewhere I need to be and I’m gonna be late so I’ll see you guys later” I announce to everyone and a round of see you laters arise.

“Will we see you tonight?” Corinna asks and my eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“Tonight?” I trail off and everyone seems to look at each other oddly.

“The party? Here...” heath exclaims, assuming I’d know there was a party thrown by my boyfriend at his house. I clench my jaw and look towards David. He sinks deeper into the cushions and I scoff.

“Oh yeah. I forgot. Uhm, I’ll try and make it over” I say and everyone woohs. David makes no effort to say goodbye to me so I storm out the door and go home.

I spend the next few hours getting ready, making sure to look extra good. When it’s time to go I uber over to davids, not taking the chance of driving and being too drunk to drive home. The music is thumping as I step out of the Uber, thanking the driver. I walk up the path and open the door. The party was in full swing. A lot of people fill the house making it smell of sweat, alcohol and pizza but it’s nice. Everyone is chatting or dancing. I look around for David but can’t seem to find him when I feel a tap on my back. I turn around and my eyes widen. One of my best friends from back home is standing in front of me.

“Dylan!” I squeal and dive into his arms. He spins me around and I giggle. He sets me down again and I furrow my eyebrows. “Not that I’m not excited you’re here but why are you here?” I question and he smirks holding his hand up. I see a ring on his engagement finger and my jaw drops. Him and his boyfriend have been dating for around 5 years- high school sweethearts I guess.

“I’m engaged bitch” he grins and I jump up and down like a kid.

“Wait what? When? How? Who proposed to who? I better be a bridesmaid” I ramble and he holds my shoulders stopping me from talking. I had caught the attention of a couple of people and they look over curiously.

“I proposed to him and obviously he said yes. Of course you’re my best man- woman” he says and I grin flinging my arms around him.

“Where is Adam?” I ask before I feel arms wrap around my waist spinning my around. I squeal and laugh as they set me down. I turn and see Adam with three plastic cups in his hand.

“Hey, I was getting us drinks” he smiles and then sees liquid on the floor that used to be in the cups from when he spun me around. He shrugs and wraps his arm around me looking down at me. “Did he tell you?” He asks and I nod.

“Congratulations” I smile hugging him properly.

“We need to get a picture so I can post my congrats on Instagram” I laugh and they roll their eyes. We go off to find a nice place for a picture. I call Natalie over as she is closest to me and ask her to take a couple pictures, she agrees immediately.

We take one normal smiling photo before we take a couple goofy ones. We finally take one that we’re all happy with and thank natalie.

“Hey, who are those guys?” Mariah asks.

“Ohh. It’s not like that. They’re gay, they’ve just gotten engaged! They’re my friends back home. I don’t know who invited them here but here they are” I smile.

“Oh. I mean we knew you’d never cheat on David but it looked a bit suspicious until you explained” Liza exclaims and I laugh.

“No other than a real drunk night in high school involving a game of truth or dare when Dylan and I had to kiss- there’s nothing there, he’s completely gay and infatuated with Adam.” I grin.

“And you’re too infatuated with David to even comprehend the glares he’s sending you right now” Kristen giggles pointing behind me at David, who was in fact staring at me angrily. He rolls his eyes when we make eye contact and stumbles off with his camera.

I sigh and follow after him. He stands alone in a secluded part of the kitchen.

“Hey I was looking for you where have you been” I smile trying to lighten his mood.

“Sure, you didn’t seem to be looking for me. Had your hands all over those guys. I mean what the fuck. If you’re gonna cheat on me, don’t do it right under my fucking nose. Wait until your in private, slut” he spits and my eyes widen. He bumps my shoulder roughly as he passes me and makes me topple over, slicing my palm open.

“Wow David calm down bro” heath jumps between us.

“David, you need to go cool off” zane pushes him away as he stands looking at me angrily, unfazed by my bleeding hand. Natalie rushes over with a kitchen towel wrapping it around my hand. I look at David hurtfully.

“What the fuck? I didn’t do anything wrong. If you took any notice of me at all you’d know they’re my friends-who are gay and also engaged. You’ve been too busy ignoring me all night and for the past week at that. If you’re gonna break up with me just do it like a man. Now. Don’t be a pussy and drag it out” I yell at him. His eyes widen and he steps towards me, I flinch and move behind Scott. The most pain I’ve ever seen flashes behind davids eyes in that moment.

“Are you scared of me?” He mumbles. By now, the music had been turned off and everyone was watching our argument. I avoid eye contact with him as a tear slips out. My hand is throbbing and I look down at it, the blood has soaked throw the towel.

“Fuck, can someone please help me clean my hand” I sob. A couple people step foraward but David beats them to it.

“Let me do it” he states. Zane and Scott look at me for confirmation. “Oh come on. I’m not gonna hurt her.” He groans. “Just let me help you, please” he chokes out, looking directly at me now. I bite my lip and nod. We silently go into the bathroom as he seats me on the counter. He closes the door and reaches down under the sink to retrieve the first aid kit. He pulls out the supplies and silently starts cleaning the cut. I hiss but he continues.

“I’m sorry” he whispers.

“That’s your apology” I roll my eyes.

“I wasn’t finished.” He grits. “Im sorry for how I’ve been treating you, it was killing me ignoring you.” He states.

“Then why were you? And what’s with all the stuff tonight, you’d know I’d never cheat on you”

“I just... it’s gonna sound so stupid.” He sighs running a hand through his hair. He’d finished bandaging my hand now, it wasn’t deep enough to need stitches, so I put my hand on his cheek. He sighs leaning into my touch. “I was avoiding you, and being mean to you because I was falling for you -way too hard and way too quick.” He exclaims and I stay silent, nodding for him to continue. “I just... with Liza, it took me so long to fall in love. Not for any reason, we just took things slow. And she’s the only real girlfriend I’ve ever had. Then when I met you, I fell so so hard. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And I got scared, things were moving too quick between us, I panicked” he shrugs.

“I think things are just fine. So what if we’re moving a little fast, we’re at the right pace for us” I smile softly.

“I know it’s only been 4 months but I’m in love with you” He whispers.

“I’m in love with you too” I whisper back after a moment of processing his words. He looks relieved as he places a deep kiss on my lips. “I’ve missed that” he grins moving into kiss me again. We pull away from each other with little grins that cannot seem to leave our faces. I hop off the counter and lace my non bandaged hand in his as we leave the bathroom. Our immediate friend group are sat in the living room- most likely trying to hear our conversation and hopefully failing. Everyone else had left.

“We sent them home” Todd speaks up when they see our confusion. We both nod and David pulls his hand away from mine, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to him. He leaves a kiss on my forehead as a small grin makes its way onto my face.

“Sooo you guys are ok?” Carly asks, speaking up for everyone. I look up at David and smile making him lean down and kiss my nose.

“Yeah were good” I confirm and everyone let’s out a sigh of relief.

“I thought we were gonna have to choose between you guys and I couldn’t do that” zane sighs dramatically making me giggle.

“We’re good” I repeat looking up at David again.

“We’re perfect” davids smiles pulling me close to him again. A warmth spreads through my chest and I feel like a little girl who’s crush just admitted that he likes her back- all giddy. Everyone starts filing out and then it’s just me, David and natalie. Natalie heads to her room and David and I head off to bed.

“What you’re not gonna edit anything?” I ask, which is seemingly all he does lately, he barely sleeps. He shakes his head.

“I don’t have to post until tomorrow, and I wanna spend some time with my girl tonight” he states, bringing my hand up to press a kiss to my bandage and I blush. The warmth rising in my chest again and butterflies rushing through my stomach when he calls me his girl.

“I love you” I whisper.

“Im never gonna get tired of hearing that, i love you too, let’s go to sleep” he laughs pulling me over to his bed to cuddle.

[dont-rainonme]

role model

[bucky barnes x reader]

[warnings] - mostly wholesome, with a pinch of angst and very brief mentionings of car crashes and injections but nothing graphic

[summary] - you, bucky and the avengers visit hospitals to surprise the children there for a charitable cause. bucky hesitates to go, because of his metal arm and the past, until he realises how much he means to the children there.

[A/N] - ive never written a bucky fanfic in my life, so please be gentle lol im trying. uhhh I google translated the tiniest bit of russian so if it’s wrong, please correct me. but i had this idea and thought that maybe it would be a good story. as always, italics mean it’s a flashback or a past memory. :))

seeing the avengers, a group consisting of heavily skilled assassins, enhanced individuals and super soldiers, interacting so softly and gently around the children made your heart practically melt with joy. there was peter, who was technically a child and obviously bonded with the children with ease.

and to think these people could snap your neck if they wanted to.

today was the day that tony‘s charity programme was finally coming together, with the team visiting the first hospital in the many to come. in the past few years, the avengers have been gaining coverage over magazines, newspapers and even the news, which, naturally, made them very popular, especially amongst children.

you remember that time as clearly as the sky was that day, when you surprised bucky with a funko pop figure of him. you remember the silence that fell over the two of you, as you stared at him anxiously awaiting his reaction. you remember how his head lifted slowly, his long, brown locks brushed out of his face to reveal the face you loved smothering with kisses. you remember the look he gave you, almost silently asking, this is for me? before giving an encouraging nod. for a minute, you thought you’d upset him, because of how unresponsive he was, until he suddenly stood up and engulfed you in a crushing hug.

to be fair, it was a very comfortable hug.

moving on, you were the only person, apart from steve and sam, that bucky would ever open up to, and you were proud to say that you were the one who could reduce him into a love-struck, flustered mess; a feat that not even steve nor sam could accomplish. although, you did appreciate their attempts, specifically sam’s.

you grin to yourself, your mind wandering to the time you walked into your room in the compound, only to find sam laying on your bed with möljnir on his chest and bucky casually sharpening his knives.

“how you doin’?” you heard sam say nonchalantly, as if he didn’t have an ancient hammer on his chest, hindering his every move.

“what the hell happened?” you yelped, dropping your bag down, “all i did was go out and get some food.”

“sam tried braiding my hair like you do,” bucky said, a flicker of a smirk playing on his lips, “but i only let you touch my hair and he kept annoying me, so i got thor to put his hammer on him.”

“why can’t i give you pet names?” sam chided in.

“because you’re not (y/n).”

“so what? ive been here for an hour and a half,” sam groaned under the weight of the hammer.

“it’s been six minutes,” bucky said blankly.

“shut up.”

you couldn’t wait to see him with the children.

you felt like you could smile forever, watching nat pretend to fall over when a little girl, with tubes and drips inside her, pretended to punch her, or when steve and sam cheered with pride when the boy, who was recovering from his many surgeries, slid cap’s shield onto his arm. and you knew that whilst it made the children’s day, it made the team’s day as well.

and then you spotted him.

your boyfriend.

bucky.

he was in the corridor outside of the room, away from everyone else, with a hat tilted so that it covered his face. you had managed to pursuade him to wear a sleeveless jacket, with the intention to help him grow more confident with his metal arm in public, but he had his left arm stuffed inside the pocket of the jacket, the other hand flicking at his nails. you sighed, smile faltering only a little, as you apologised to the girl you were talking to, and made your way towards him.

“what are you doing? why aren’t you with the others?” you asked softly, gently lifting his head and tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear. almost immediately after, he shook his head, and the piece of hair went back to its original spot, in front of his face. you shot him a stern look.

“bucky.”

no response. you closed your eyes and exhaled out quietly. you learnt a long time ago that you had to be patient with him.

“bucky, please, talk to me.”

you stood in silence, both of your heads down, and after a long pause, he spoke.

“i don’t deserve to be here.”

“bucky-“

“i don’t deserve to be treated as a hero.”

your head shot up immediately, lips parted to speak, but he dismissed you, his hand held up to silence you.

“don’t start with how i’ve changed,” bucky said dully. he paused before he buried his face in his hands, “Блядь-“

“language. there are children here.”

“…i can’t even get a control over my own mind yet. anytime i hear something that barely even resembles the trigger words, i suddenly feel an urge to do something… evil. its like a part of myself is disappearing bit by bit. and i’m scared that if i don’t learn how to control myself, then one day, ill lose every piece of me and ill end up hurting all of you.”

his voice cracks near the end of his sentence, eyes widening at the sound. the two of you are completely still, with you frozen in complete shock. he had never been this vulnerable and open even with you, often keeping his feelings to himself, but today must’ve been his breaking point. he hastily wiped his eyes, swallowing harshly and turning his head away from you.

that still didn’t hide the tears.

“why do you love me?”

“bucky, I swear to god, listen to me right now,” you gently, but firmly push his arms down so you could finally see his face, damp from the fresh tears, “i know this is difficult, but i know that you can do it. what you did wasn’t you. you were controlled. that isn’t the bucky i know. the bucky I know is smart, he’s strong and protective and caring and he’s occasionally an idiot-“ you both smile a little at that, “-but he’s my idiot and he’s also a hero, which is how the children here see you as. what you did in the past does not define who you truly are. you’re not going to lose yourself, because me and the others are here for you, and i want you to know that you’re safe. that you’re not with HYDRA anymore, that you’re with us, you’re part of the avengers, so you have every single fucking right to go into that room and make those children happy. because they see you as one of us, a cool-ass avenger, and they see you as a hero. okay?”

you were being honest when you surprised even yourself with that little rant, but it was worth it to see the smallest hint of a smile form on your boyfriends lips. you had to tip-toe to kiss him lightly on the lips (an attribute that bucky had brought up before and ended with him being tackled to the ground by you), as you both laugh a little, and bucky cups your face with his metal hand, murmuring quietly to you.

“what was that about our language?” he asked, looking down at you smugly.

“…shut up.”

his tough demeanour breaks instantly. he sighs contently.

“what did i do to deserve you?”

“everything,” you reply in a heartbeat, “you deserve every part of me.”

with his hand still on your chin, you both lean forward to kiss, eyes fluttering shut as you do so. your lips brush softly against each other, when you both feel a tug on bucky’s jacket.

stunned, you both look down to see a little boy, fiddling timidly with his fingers. you and bucky’s eyes graze lower down to his height to see that he has a prosthetic arm.

“go on,” the nurse says reassuringly, “ask him.”

bucky immediately looks to you, panic flaring in his eyes, but you give him a look that quickly calms him down. although your intimate moment was ruined, it opened up an opportunity for him. he hesitated a little before squatting down so he was the same height as the boy, who looked behind him to the nurse; she eagerly nodded her head.

“c-can I touch your arm?” he asks shyly, pointing to bucky’s left, “it’s really cool and my friend said it’s not real, so i wanted to prove her wrong!”

you and bucky laugh, and he gives you a look that silently thanks you.

“go ahead, it’s real,” he says smiling, extending the arm out to the little boy, who’s giddy with excitement. his little fingers brush over the vibranium, eyes lighting up and face splitting into a wide grin.

“c-can you move it?” he asks in a hushed whisper, and bucky complies, flexing his fingers, as the boy watches the metal plates running up his arm move corresponding his actions.

“hannah!” the boy yells into the room, “i told you it’s real! look! i touched it! it moves and everything!”

he turns to bucky.

“can my friend touch it too?”

“sure thing.”

and before you both know it, he’s being dragged into the room by the boy, and you follow them, with the nurse by your side. by the time you arrive by the boy’s bedside, a small crowd of children, all with some sort of prosthetic limbs, surround bucky fascinated.

“this is my friend, bucky,” the boy says proudly, “and his arm is real and i know that because i touched it! we’re practically twins now.”

an excited gasp ripples through the small crowd and suddenly the children send him streams of questions.

“is that your girlfriend?” a boy asks, pointing suddenly to you. bucky grins.

“yep. she’s pretty great.”

“that’s all i get?” you teased, raising an eyebrow, “pretty great?”

“yes.”

“do you love her?”

“of course.”

“have you kissed?”

bucky pauses, but before he could say anything, the boy from earlier answers for him.

“yes they have! i caught them almost kissing when i went to ask if i could touch his arm!”

an echo of “ew!”s reverberate around the room, accompanied by the children laughing. you bury your face in your hands in amusement and embarssment, and you feel bucky rub your back sympathetically.

“does that mean you have cooties?”

“…yes?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

the two of you spend the next hour with the children, answering their questions and giving them small gifts like little action figures of yourselves. you melt at the sight of bucky - his face was the youngest and happiest you’ve ever seen him. there was no line of stress on his face, but instead a smile, and a glimmer of hope in his eyes. it’s obvious he likes the children. around them, he was as carefree as he could be, even going as far as letting them draw on his arm and putting magnets on it. your boyfriend is an actual child at heart. and you love him for that.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“how did you lose your arm?” the boy from earlier, who you later learned was called freddie, asked bucky. the two of them were happily colouring away, as you watched in the background smiling. bucky paused, choosing his words carefully.

“i fell off a really tall bridge from a train…”

freddie gasped dramatically.

“and… i used my left arm to break my fall. it broke, but the doctors gave me a new metal arm. cool right?”

“yeah! that happened to me too,” freddie explained, using elaborate hand gestures as he told the story, “except i didn’t fall. i was in the car with my mum when some lorry crashed into us and suddenly there was fire everywhere! i woke up in a hospital and the doctor said that they had to get rid of my old arm because of some infection or something. i don’t know what it is, but i know it’s some complicated stuff.”

“so then what happened?” bucky asked, a flicker of sadness in his eyes, sighing as he went back to his colouring.

“the doctor was like don’t worry we have a cool new arm for you! just like yours!” he pointed to bucky’s arm and grinned, “but he said I had to have surgery so they could attach it to me. it was scary, but i promise i cried only a little bit, even when they gave me an injection! i promise! you believe me right?”

“of course. you’re one of the bravest people I know.”

the little boy beamed brightly up at him.

“and then when I woke up, i had the cool new arm! the doctor said i can go home soon!”

“really?” bucky said, genuine joy on his face, “that’s great!”

“i know right? i wanna be like you when im older and beat up bad guys with my cool new arm.”

“you do?”

“yeah. you’re my favourite out of alllll the avengers. but don’t tell the falcon that, okay? because i told him the same thing so i didn’t hurt his feelings.”

“i won’t,” bucky laughed, as the two continued colouring. he grinned to himself.

he was going to give sam so much shit for that later.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

when you and him met up with the other avengers in the lobby when your time there was done, they all turned to look at the pair of you.

“what are those on your arm?” natasha asked, amused as he pointed to bucky.

“magnets.”

“oh my god,” sam said, “this should be good.”

he held bucky’s arm, twisting it to get a good look around it, admiring all the drawings of the avengers the children had done.

he paused.

“where am i?!” he whined, the team erupting into laughter, as he did a circled around the arm to fo a double take.

“don’t worry sam,” tony chuckled, as the doors of the hospital opened and they all exited, “we love you really.”

“yeah, yeah, you all totally show it,” he grumbled, his face cracking into a smile when tony shook his shoulder playfully.

you walked alongside bucky silently, your arm hooked around his, though it wasn’t uncomfortable. you were proud of him for today. you had never seen him smile so much before.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

that was a lie.

a week later, you found bucky in your room, smiling as he stared at something in his hand. when you asked him to show you, you felt your heart leap.

it was a picture of freddie, at home from the hospital, posing next to his little bucky action figure. and on the back was a little note from the boy.

“i‘m gonna be just like you!”

[hollandroos]

im so happy you're writing for koh!tom💞 okay okay, so i wanted to request something where the reader has been in a hell for a while now and she's grown close to tom but then he starts to interact more with a female demon and it makes her insecure because the demon is gorgeous. and her last straw would be at a ball he's hosting and she tried to dress up for him and he completely ignores her which upsets her loads and makes her more insecure. can it end in some fluff? ilysm and thank you!! 😍❤

This is 1.6k words long Im-

You felt really pretty that night.

And maybe somewhere deep down you’d dressed up for yourself– to make yourself feel good and pretty and nice and all those things. But as stupid as it sounded, you knew that you dressed for him, to make him focus all his attention on you.

You strutt into the palace ballroom with your plush, white wings full on display. They were the ones Tom claimed to love so much, the same ones he swore he could spend hours running course fingers through. They were the only white ones, purely because you were the only angel– a fallen one. You weren’t good enough to stay in heaven but not bad enough to wear the dark shade.

‘They’re the prettiest fucking wings in all of hell,’ He’d mutter. ‘Nothing can compare.’

It didn’t work.

You felt like a goddamn queen, a white rose in a field of red and the dress you wore showed off more then what would’ve been allowed in heaven. You knew you looked good, it didn’t take a genius but that nerve wracking feeling in the pit of your stomach was already full go.

But maybe it started when you had to step into the ballroom by yourself instead of with one of his arms around your waist, his black wings brushing softly against your exposed back. Or maybe it was when you took those first few steps into the ball room only to be met with the jet black eyes filled with nothing but anger and a hidden desire.

None of which were your boyfriends.

You still felt anxious towards demons that weren’t Tom. But not tonight. Tonight your eyes were dead set on Tom, growing with even more anticipation by the second.

Look at me, you wanted to shout, notice me, I dressed up for you.

He didn’t look up from his glass of red wine and you didn’t let your anticipation or need die. There was a fire burning in the pit of your stomach, growing with every smile that etched itself onto his lips and following every drop of crimson red that stained his lips.

You just wanted his attention back for one second, to feel an arm around you or lips against yours– and not in a rough, rushed way. You wanted to feel him love you. You wanted your fears to leave for a moment, for them to simply disperse.

Everyone seemed to be staring at you but Tom and the two girls he was standing with. Their gazes remain on him, boring holes into his crisp white shirt, the top two buttons already undone but you remembered that he left your bedroom like that. You did that, you popped them undone between heavy kisses and riskay hand placements.

One of the girls you recognised from the day before. She was utterly gorgeous and someone you found Tom had been seen around once or twice lately.

You snatch a glass of wine off of one of the trays, muttering a thank you beneath your breath as you go straight in for a heavy mouthful. The next thing you go for is your boyfriend standing staunchly in the very corner of the room, his black wings expanding over your head and brown curls slicked back.

“Tom?” Your voice sounded sickly sweet over the music, words dripping like honey and he responded roughly– words striking like venom but when did they not?

“Darling? Oh, you made it.” He smiles, stepping away for a brief second.

The girls send you a scowl. You don’t give them the attention they so desperately want.

One of his hands snake around your waist, his warm lips going to your temple and you smile, rosy red lips curling up. “I did, I actually got here a few minutes ago.”

“Really? I didn’t see you come down?” He remarks. You resist the urge to make a sarcastic comment just yet because he probably didn’t realise what he’d been doing– that for the last three days he’d made you feel unimportant, made you worry that you were losing his loving gaze and actually threatened by a demon.    

“What do you think of my dress?” You force a smile and do a little twirl, the end curling around your heels.

“Looks good.” Then he turns back to the girls. “So, what was I saying…”

You drown out his voice.

‘Looks good’

You were used to him telling you that you looked stunning, show stopping, ravishing, perfect beyond words. Good was still a complaint but it was one that you weren’t sure meant a lot from him.

Suddenly you began worrying that the middle was tugging at your waist too much and the lace sleeves were ripped in one place or another and the end was too long– maybe too short and too much of your heels were exposed.

You had gone from feeling sexy to suffocated, graceful to anxious that this was all too much.

So you tear his arm away from you, forgetting about the fact that only moments ago you were craving his physical touch and spin around on your heels. If you hadn’t of had so much practice in them since leaving heaven then you would’ve fallen– most likely taking a waitress or two down with you and that really would’ve been the icing on the top of the cake.

Tom knew he messed up the second he said those two words but was too egoistic to admit he. He would have drowned you in love and meaningful words. You were spectacular, sweet, utterly sinful.

And if you were alone he would’ve kissed down your neck, lips leaving a trail down your shoulder. The king would have climbed onto his knees for you, choked on his own words to show you in other ways what he thought of you in that dress but he didn’t know what was wrong with him.

“Sweetheart–”

He watches you clamber away, clenched hands folded in front of you as you gently shove past a crowd of demons. None of them dares to stop you and Tom follows behind, somehow

“Y/N, C’mon.” He practically begs, yeah, begs.

“What do you want?” You snap, just wanting to climb into your shared bed in a t-shirt and sweats– only Tom wouldn’t be in it and you’d take comfort in petting the man’s hellhound. You wanted to get rid of the makeup and the fancy hair clips and jewelry–

“Why don’t you tell me what it is that you want?” He watches your face remain the same, your teeth remain clenched and eyes hardened. “You look gorgeous in that dress, you do yeah?” His hands run down your waist but you don’t make any mores to stop him– nor spur him on. “You look amazing in anything.”

You push your lips into an angry pout, crossing your arms across your chest. By now you were in one of the many halls surrounded by paintings instead of demons. “I just wanted to get your attention.”

Music pounded through the walls.

“You’ve definitely got it–”

“No, I didn’t until I stormed out of there looking like smoke was about to come out of my ears.” You meet his normal, coffee brown eyes and let your face soften slightly. But you weren’t about to let him off the hook. “You’ve barely given me any attention for days and I’m at the point where I feel like I need to fight for it because you’re always busy or paying attention to what’s her face in there… I feel like I have to dress up like this to get your attention and even then it clearly doesn’t work. You haven’t taken the time to kiss me like you actually love me or make love to me in a week or so–”

The back of your throat burned but you didn’t notice that, because all you could focus on was the fact that he was mere inches away from you and your back was pressed up against the wall and it was intimate and you were alone.

“My love, look at me.” Tom takes your chin in his hand gently, bringing his lips to yours the second you met his eyes. His lips were warm, lightly chapped but still gentle against your own. The wine he’d been drinking stained his lips. It was careful, loving, and you feel yourself go limp against him, body instantly moulding against his own. “You’re everything, you hear me? Everything and more. You’re on my mind every second of the day, your voice plays in my head when I’m alone

“C’mon, Tom, I know you’re the king of hell and you’re all high and mighty but I… I need you.” You feel your voice break as his fingers softly caress your cheek, then over your bottom lip.

“And I need you too.” His voice is hoarse and raspy. “I need you in times like this to snap me out of it when I’m being an absolute dick. It sounds sappy but I need you too.”

You bite your bottom lip, tasting the bitter remains of the alcohol. “You hate being sappy.”

He notices the laugh you’re trying to suppress and smiles. “But it’s you, you make me sappy and I– I love it. I’m still learning how to do this entire relationship and sometimes I mess up and that’s no excuse to hurt you so call me out on my bullshit all you want, knock me down and tell me to wake up. I’m bettering myself for you.”

Only adding tags because this is a long one: @cosmetologynerd @holland-ish @smexylemony @thewiseandfree @zendayacolemen @dej-okay @hollandsletters @ive-got-some-lies-to-tell @liz-gayllen @marvelismylifffe @lovelyh0lland @tomhollandandmarvelsworld @woah-jess @southsidefandoms @justannothermonday @its-claire-louise @sophiatomlinson23 @mockingjaygirl1221 @joyfullyjenny @damnhisfaceisliketheskyatnight  @bride-of-loki-odinson @in-the-corner-coffee-please @futuremrsb-r-main @spideyyypeter @saturn-aka-six @c0prolalia @buckykinz @ashtonsbandannas @dennasaur @amyyleblanc1999 @fnosidam @randomfangirl1701@maybeandperhaps @acciorinn @marvel-language @micki-smiles @justmesadgirl @converseskyline @niall2017 @gavemylifetotomholland @tomuchmarvel @leslieandjensen @painted-soulss @practicallylivesonline @mischiefmanaged49 @its-the-unknownspidey @holyrose96 @for-my-mind @mlxbm @erindillon11 @captainbuckyy @shawnandhisroses @converseskyline @smitten0-0kitten @parkeroos @whileinparis @unicornio-vomita-mierdas @draqcnheartstrinq @rainyboo-posts @mikalaka @petxrpxrker @tony-starks-ego @thedaydreamingwriter @peter-quackson @kateelyse96 @lesbian-jesus-jr @wheresmyquill @elyshugh @hollanderheart @tomshufflepuff @marvelismylifffe @tomsh0lland @obsessed-fandoms @girl-in-the-chair @trashqueenbitch @dramatic-and-young @honey-honey-5644 @parkerluvs @chingonaconcha @captainbuckyy @jes-sica1 @tomsfireheart @Rainbow-marvel @spideysimpossiblegirl @spideys-gurl @thomasstanley-holland @mlxbm @ixchel-9275 @parkerssweb @peter-parkersbb @tom-hollands-eyelash @starlightfound @vldlvj  @paradoxparker @lustfulcry  @mlxbm @musiclover1263 @justatheatredork @peterparkerscamera @fandomnerdsarecool @thequeensardine @cutesy-angst @httplayer @mischiefmanaged49 @loca-lola @softboyparkerr @desir-ae @dangerousluv1 @t-hotland @laucontrerasv @peter-parkersbb @whatdafricklefrackle @thatblondebelgiangirl @fairydustparker @they-call-me-le @jamiemac26 @nephalem67 @underoos-tom @quaxon-holland @lovelyspidey @no-shxt-sherl @xlatinaaxx @starlightfound @mikexpeter @moonandstars-xo @httpmcrvel @evelyn120700 @fromheroestodust @hollandfieldblurbs @ghostlypandacolorpersona @spazclaiire @curlyhairedparker @josierosie @unicornio-vomita-mierdas @icondy @euphoricholland @desir-ae @lovelyspidey @thelazypangolin @ameeravioli @ramen-tically @mellifluous-tom @mrs-webslinger @krazykiara @scottyisthatyou

[downtheschizoaffectiveroad]

For you - Personal

I’d given my love to the wrong people or tried to make the wrong people try love me or like me when I finally had somebody who truly cared and loved me that my walls were so built up and I was so emotional shut off and damaged I couldn’t recognise true love and somebody truly caring for me until it was too late.

I pushed somebody to their breaking point and made them spiral and break. When you see the emotional impact you cause someone and the once beautiful relationship you had has become so tragic that there’s no way to save it and to save them and yourself the only way is to let each other go is the kindest and selfless thing you can do.

I wasn’t ready or mentally stable/aware or mature enough to accept or even properly begin my mental health journey (only the past few months I’ve really decided to accept and begin my true recovery) I’m at a point in my life where I am able to help myself mentally in ways I could never before.

I think about it a lot and I feel a lot of regret and guilt in how my mental health and lack of self help back then actually caused you and distressed you and I want to and fight myself everyday to just talk to you and tell you from the bottom of my heart how sorry I am and how much I cared and loved you but I know I can’t do that- If I start or even think about knowing your in my life for 2 minutes I know I will want more of you, because I miss your friendship, your company and generally you. In this life we can’t work as anything- we are just strangers now with old memories but in another life whatever we are or comeback as (I am very spiritual) we will meet again and can connect and stay in contact and be friends.

Not a day goes by and I don’t cherish the love you gave me and appreciate your support. You were so caring but unfortunately too caring that you took on too much and burnt out and i am sorry for destroying your peace/ happiness. Wherever you are or end up- know I will always be proud and support you. I love and adore what you are about and your passions. 

You took parts of me and made the darkest bits of me lighter, I broke you in ways I can never take back and I am deeply sorry and I hope you know I am sorry. I can’t say it to you because If I let you back in or even try to open my door and let you in even if you don’t want me in your life. One conversation and I will be hooked. Letting go was the hardest thing because even though we were broken I still loved you so much. I will always have such love for you. I don’t feel painfully broken these days when I think of us, I just feel saddened of how badly it was handled because I didn’t know emotions or how to do emotions. I didn’t know or see how much you cared and loved me until It was too late and I couldn't keep destroying you. I saw what I was doing and how you were being impacted. 

I wasn’t ready and only in the past 6 Months was I at the right time and emotionally ready and capable to say to myself ‘I am ready for this Journey of recovery for Mental Health” This Is when my real journey of Mental Health started. Ive been battling this Mental Illness since I was 12 but the real triumph personally started for me and my growth as an individual started when I was ready to admit to myself that It was time for self-care and I knew by this stage my diagnosis and started to pick up on triggers etc. 

I wasn’t ready when you were in my life. Forgive me for what I did- I was a cyclone since I was 12- Toxic to people I loved, not realising until it was too late and I’ve hurt a lot of people but you my dear, I will always feel the most guilt because you were the one person who truly loved me and cared. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for the damage I caused you and for any trauma. I forever will send you good vibes and care for you and think of you because you were the greatest love I could have had or wish for. 

Thank you dear - I know its over, Its been over for a long time but here's to us- I will cherish the memories but we are forever strangers now with some great memories. Till the next life, if we meet are to meet again... Ill look forward to it 

Yours truly ...

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Everything’s gone wrong again. I thought my life was finally going somewhere, I had some direction and a purpose and things to live for but, as usual, it all came crashing down around me. Every single time I finally start to accept that my life might not be so bad I’m proven wrong. Honestly, I feel awful for being depressed because there are people out there with worse problems than me but I can’t stop it hurting. I know my friends and family love me… but I don’t want to tell them more than they can handle. So many people I love have abandoned me… My dad, my grandparents, uncles, close friends, boyfriends, my best friend of 6 years who I told everything to and trusted more than anyone… they all just left me and I honestly don’t know why. Am I that hard to love? Do I push people away without even realising it? I’m just so sick of being abandoned, every single time it happens they take a piece of me away with them and at this point I feel like there’s almost nothing left of me. You’d think by now I’d be used to it but apparently not.

For 4 months I was happier than I had been in a long time. I was dating a guy I’d had a crush on for 3 years, he genuinely seemed to like me back. He was nothing like the guys I had dated before who were aggressive, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable cheaters. This new guy was cute, funny, interesting and just the right amount of clingy that makes you feel wanted and needed. Every day for 4 months straight he’d want to see me or speak over Facebook if we couldn’t meet up. It was strange because Ive never been out with a guy who enjoyed my company that much before. I was wary for the first 2 months. I kept a lot of my past and emotional baggage to myself and I tried not to get attached until I was certain I could trust him. I was terrified that once he really got to know me he would leave like the others did… but after weeks of our friends convincing me that he truly wasn’t like the others and that he really did have a good heart and pure intentions I finally decided it was time to let my guard down. My boyfriend was relieved, he’d been begging me for ages to just let go and trust him. For about a month and a half things were going well. I told him all about my past relationships, my most traumatic experience and how so many people I cared about had just left and I explained how much that hurt me. Around this time I also found out that I hadn’t been accepted into college for my second year and that I have to wait until next year to reapply, I was gutted, naturally, but he comforted me and was so supportive that I stopped feeling like such a failure.

2 weeks ago, completely out of the blue, my boyfriend just stopped messaging me. For the first few days I was a little worried because he had never just ghosted me before, but I told myself that he was probably busy or needed some time to himself. After a week though, I was a nervous wreck. A few years earlier I’d had a boyfriend who had done the same thing. After 3 months together, he just disappeared suddenly with no warning or explanation. He deactivated all social media accounts, got a new phone and moved to another country. He never had the guts to tell me himself or even break up with me; I had to hear about it through friends a year later after I had spent months looking for him and had a genuine mental breakdown thinking he had died or something. This was a very traumatic event in my life that still haunts me to this day, so having my current boyfriend disappear for a week without explaining why to me was honestly triggering. I spent days crying and even had a panic attack so bad that I disassociated for about 2 hours.

When he eventually came back online he told me that he’d spent the week with a family friend who was visiting. I didn’t know what to think. It was sketchy, to me. He hadn’t mentioned this girl before or warned me that she was coming over. Why couldn’t he just message me a few times during the week or just tell me what was happening and that’s why he would be offline? Why did he need to completely ignore me with no explanation… he told me small fragments of things that had happened over the week that tore into my heart; they had gone for a walk along a cliff path together to watch the sun set, he had slept at her house almost every night that week, they’d been drinking and going to BBQ’s together with family… I told myself not to be jealous or suspicious but he had never done any of those things with me, and when I told friends and family about it all they too were suspicious and told me it sounded very likely that he was cheating. But I didn’t want to believe it. He was such an amazing boyfriend for the first few months; he wouldn’t do this to me. I was so hurt and confused, but also shocked because this was so unlike him. For a little while though, we seemed to have gone back to normal but small arguments began and paranoia had set in for me. He had broken the trust that had taken so long to build between us and it hurt me. A week later he decided we could no longer be together but he wouldn’t tell me why. He said he still loved me but we just couldn’t be together anymore, then he told me I needed to stay away from him and with that he was gone. He wont reply to my messages, I think he’s put me on mute now. I still don’t know if he cheated or not, honestly I don’t even care if he did. I just want him back. I wish we could forget the past two weeks and carry on our relationship like before…he made me so happy, I cannot lose that happiness, not again…I just cant.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like he’s ripped my heart straight from my chest and stomped on it. I trusted him more than anybody and I gave him all the love I could but it just wasn’t enough. I’m not enough. Why am I never good enough? What is so wrong with me that it repels the people I care about? I’ve barely slept in a week, every time I try I can’t stop myself from breaking down and crying for hours and hours until I’m so exhausted I pass out. I cried so much and so hard the other night that I threw up and burst a blood vessel in my eye.

Nothing feels right or real anymore. My friends try to help and cheer me up but it’s just not working. Everything I used to enjoy like music, movies, writing, reading, art and going out just doesn’t interest me anymore. Everything is grey and dull for me now. Honestly, a part of me believes I deserve this pain for being so naïve. I was stupid enough to trust someone again and allow myself to become attached; I’m never doing that again.

Love, Jovie.

[ladygogoogaga]

i regret growing up

i’m really sad. at this point, erm age i guess. ok but what if I WAS SUICIDAL!!!!! emotionally saying though, i wonder when will I finally be okay and stop running.

ok but recap > 2020-2021 summer is shit like shit as FORK. i mean, my whole life has been shit, but i feel like everything just made sense at this age now and the realization just broke me apart. first of all i mean, my family is hardcore TOXIC, like seriously i’m supporting them to get a divorce but really it’s hard- mom just went “i hate you we’re breaking up! ... but i’m not getting a divorce because when u pass i want the inheritance!” last month & hasn’t been talking to dad because they’re playing the “whoever talks first loses” game. I have no better words to tell you but yeah the T word! i could make a long fat list about how much of a virgo my mom is & how much of an aries my dad is to my mom merp!!! my friends, i feel like i’m just losing them one by one bc i shove them off as usual and expect them to climb back to me but no the world apparently does not revolve around me! .... i never push people away though, or try to be distant. i just sometimes fomo myself from the fear of getting hurt or used but really, it’s hard to find friends who you can genuinely talk to and not feel like a bummer.

i don’t know if it was the mom trait Ive been churning from since 2 or the “I want a boyfriend but can’t commit”. for real though, if i went to a psychologist i’d probably get diagnosed with “this bitch is regina george fake” note to self : god ur so full of shit. you hate your mom, your friends even your exes before they turn to exes.  it’s confusing, hard and just HARD. i never knew what a normal household was until i did feel like my life was so much more different than all the other kids’. i felt trapped and its so suffocating to the point where i build this whole new personality of mine (thx lele pons) pretending happiness til trait turns me into this bubble headed bimbo- not blonde though. through the years, i slowly kinda realised that attention > therapy. well not in a pick me girl way but i’m trying. i’m always really cheery and bubbly in the outside and i swear, i should really get a role in the matrix or something. sHe’s reALLy gooD! *tiktok sound* its true though, when i open up abt something deep no one really gives a f and just laughs it off and it genuinely hurts me a lot. i overthink in most situations and it scares me how much i understand others more than me. my mom on the other hand, she hurts me unintentionally. i’m 16 and i have NO PRIVACY AT ALL. yes girl get it! that’s why i’m always so closed off i guess. last year i had a really shitty eating disorder and i really didn’t think of it as a big thing bc it was personally my coping mechanism. (TW) my fatass depended on puking mentally for my health. i guess i did for a month until mom found out because the SINK WAS CLOGGING. like fuck what in the chunk did i eat for it to even clog the hole?! see, this is why i don’t talk casually to my mom > she thought i was insane and actually really thought of sending me to a mental institution, im not kidding. but yeah once i tell anything personal to her, she’ll use it as a banter when she wants to scream at me which wow mother of the year! way to go!

self analysis: i cope by being past dependent or seeking attention just because maybe i can’t get through problems and choose to run from them, leaving lies everytime everywhere. / or maybe because i’ve always been told repeatedly that i’m never good enough or was not as good as her/him. i choose to lie to myself about this cruel world rather than exploring. am i scared or am i lonely? or am i just not ready to grow up? i hold to things and memories for so long and way too tight that, the bruises comfort me in ways that i didn’t accept letting go, or manipulating my way to grow old.

i’ve recently started reading this book “forgotten girl”. a true story about amnesia and second chances - NOT SAYING i have amnesia or whatsoever. naomi, the writer, had big dreams and yet ended up doing drugs to cope herself from stress and trauma, not realising herself formed heavy bipolar depression. WELL IM NOT #twinflames w her but i know how it feels to turn 16 and everything just feels like “mY life has been a liE!!!??” sighs. i’m just confused. i’ve always thought that life was so perfect where i could dodge whatever missing assessment there was and still able to swerve through college and finally get married or something! but in reality, the phrase “money doesn’t fall from the sky” really called me out this time.

i miss myself, how’d i lose myself to so much tangles of “be GEN Z”, separated culture, or wanting so quickly to get old. i do regret growing up, because then I’d have no idea that mom & dad were out of love, i’d still be hanging out with my primary friends and not pretending a personality to be in the society.

[daysswithyou]

Never Losing You - Part IV

Presenting to you the final part of “Never Losing You”! Enjoy :)

part i, part ii, part iii

IV.

Jae POV

“I missed you.”

That was the first thing I said, without thinking, at all.

I didn’t know what to say.

I couldn’t say anything else.

Or perhaps I have so much to say to her that all I know how to say at that point in time was “I missed you” amongst all the other thoughts I had. They say that the heart speaks before the mind does, and this time round it does once again. I want to hug her, to pull her into my arms and to lay my chin atop of her soft hair once again but I find myself floored. It’s been too long since I last saw Lynn, and I had to take a good look at her once again.

Lynn still looks the same. Except that this time round her hair falls in waves across her back instead of the usual straight cut that she had back then. But otherwise, she looks just like how she did 10 years ago when I left her.

Still as beautiful,

Still as flawless.

“So… how you’ve been Jae? It’s good to see you again.”

“I…eh…I’ve been good, yea. Good to see you again too Lynn.” I manage a small smile at the end of my sentence and she raises the corners of her lips ever so slightly for me.

I think of all the things I want to say to her and I open my mouth to do so, but nothing comes out. It can’t. How could any words in this world possibly express my feelings fully for the love of my life that was standing right in front of me right now?

This is the mind-boggling effect Lynn has on me; she can just stand there and not do anything, and still render me speechless. She is the only one in this whole wide world that can do this to me.

Stepping closer, I finally decide to stop looking for the perfect words to say and just be honest with my heart.

“You look beautiful tonight.”

“You could say the same for yourself. You look really good Jae.”

“Thank my stylist instead. They can transform the sloppy me into…this. I’m still the same you know?”

“Baggy sweatshirts and jeans with an obsession for plaid outerwear?”

I crack a smile as I shake my head and let my eyes drop to the floor. She knows me too well.

“You got that right.”

“I should know better.”

“Yea you should.”

The nervousness lingers in the air between us and I have so much more to say to her but this isn’t a good place to say them all.

“When are you free Lynn? Let’s head out together some time? I want to talk to you, catch up you know?”

“I…eh…” She looks away for a moment to push her hair behind her ears and that’s when I see it.

The unmistakable glint of a diamond ring on her left ring finger.

The rest of my words die in my throat and all I manage to do is croak out one question.

“You’re married now?”

“Yea… it’s been about 5 years.”

I can see from her eyes that she didn’t intend for me to know that but even now that I’ve found out, she doesn’t try to hide it.

“Any children?”

“A daughter; her name’s Alicia and she’s 3.”

“I bet she looks beautiful just like you.”

“She does look more like me than her dad.”

“Is he good to you?”

Now, it’s her turn to stare at me with an unreadable expression.

Lynn POV

“Is he good to you?”

That question catches me off guard and rings in my head.

As I stare at the face of my first love, I realise I don’t know how to come up with the answer but eventually, I do say something.

“He is. He’s good to me.”

But it’s the things that I don’t say that mean the most.

As I peer into his eyes, I pour my heart and soul into my gaze.

He’s good to me, but he can never be you.

He can never be my first love.

He doesn’t hold me like you do.

I can’t joke around with him like I did with you.

He doesn’t sing for me like you do.

He doesn’t do cute things for me like you do.

His lips are nothing like yours.

He doesn’t know my weak spots like you do.

He can never love me like you do. Or at least, like how you did.

“That’s good, he better treat you well or I’m going to take you back from him.”

I scoff a little at his statement but is it bad that in a tiny spot in my heart, I hope that would happen?

But I live in reality, and that only happens in fiction. Besides, I have a daughter to care for now. I can’t just take off like that.

My frank admission seemed to have caused Jae to close off and he slowly backs away from me.

“I have to go now Lynn, the next song is my solo.”

“Wow the crowds Jae.”

He flashes me a thumbs up sign before turning his back to me and stepping on stage. I watch for a little while as he sings with soul for the moving crowd before fading into the background.

When I walk away, I get the familiar feeling of someone staring at me, like how it was back then when it all started.

Jae POV

I don’t remember how I managed to pull through the show with my heart breaking inside. It was such a turbulent day: I’d hit rock bottom when I knew that she was married, before that morphed into anger and indignity. Playing for my fans that brought me to my favourite kind of high again and by the end of the night, I was thoroughly exhausted.

I knew clearly that I felt angry. I was angry at Lynn.

But why should I? And did I have the right to do so?

After all these years, was I seriously hoping that she would be waiting for me at the same spot? No, I was a fool to think that way. It’s almost as good as holding her in shackles as I live the life I always wanted.

No, I love her, and since I truly do, I wouldn’t hope for her to wait for me. I would want her to live her life happily, like I am now.

At this prime moment, I’d choose to look out of the window and it made me certain that my choice was right.

Lynn was holding her baby girl in her arms and even from a distance, I knew I was right. Her eyes are just like Lynn’s, all bright and sparkly, looking like they hold all the stars in them. Lynn scrunches up her nose like she always does before planting a kiss on Alicia’s cheek, causing the little one to smile. A man watches the pair with adoration and I’m certain that’s her husband.

I know Lynn like an open book and I’m certain that what I’m seeing at the present moment is a look of pure bliss on Lynn’s face.

Taking in the scene before me, all I can think of is how glad I am that Lynn has found her own happiness, as did I.

As the van drives away from the scene, I finally know where to place Lynn in my heart and all the confusion that came along with leaving her for the past 10 years dissipate along with it as well.

I’m certain I would never be able to truly forget her; she’d given me such an extraordinary love that I don’t think I’ll be able to love another after knowing her love. But yet I’m also certain that now I’ll have the strength to let her go. Our memories will always remain as a beautiful part of my story but she will no longer hold onto my thoughts for too long at a time.

In this lifetime, I would never be able to lose her. But in learning to let go, I could finally learn to find myself again.

[thinkyoureholy]

One Shot, One Kill [7]

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Warnings : Blood, violence...all that jazz. I also mention the condition known as anemia. So if it makes you uncomfortable please just skip over it. I did do my research and I know what it's like since both my mother and younger brother have it so I mean no offense

Pairing : Jung Hoseok / OC (Azura/ Zada)

Genre : Angst, Action, some fluff, eventual smut, Paid Assassin AU

Words : 2k

Pt 1. Pt 2. Pt 3. Pt 4. Pt 5. Pt 6. Pt 7. Pt 8. Pt 9. Pt 10. Pt 11.

-Azura’s P.O.V-

Days turned into weeks and we still had nothing. Yoongi and Jeongguk worked tirelessly, looking for any signs of Esmeree but came up empty every time. I helped them with whatever they I needed, being pretty good at hacking myself. I had been staying with them to make this all easier and...well I didn’t really have anywhere else to go.

“I think it’s time for you to get some sleep.” Hoseok said as he walked over to me.

I had been awake for the past two days, not getting any sleep really since this all started three weeks ago. I shook my head at him, my eyelids heavy as I stared at the screen in front of me. I heard him sigh, placing a hand on my shoulder, trying to coax me into listening to him.

“I’m fine.” I mumbled, shaking his hand off.

As I said that my head lolled forward before I snapped it back up, shaking my head once more to keep myself awake. I felt bad for pushing him away but right now finding my sister was more important than my well being. I heard him sigh once more, surely going to speak once more but didn’t get a chance to as the screen in front of me turned into static. I shot up, confusion overtaking my features as I tried getting the screen back to normal. Hoseok and I shared a look, not knowing what to do and not having anyone to ask since it was just the two of us at the moment.

“It seems like you’ve finally found yourself a boyfriend Zada.” Dominic’s voice came out of the speakers that were hooked up to the various screens.

“Dominic you son of a bitch.” I cursed, turning to face the screen, knowing he could see me.

“Is that any way to greet me sweetheart?”

I ground my teeth at the pet name, hating the condescending tone he used, “I’m not in the mood for your fuckery. Where the hell is my sister?”

He smirked, twirling a blade in his hand as he signalled for someone that was standing behind the camera. My legs almost gave out as they turned the camera to my sister. She was tied up to a chair, her mouth taped shut. Her head hung limply forward, someone behind her grabbing a fistful of her hair and made her look up. As soon as she saw me through the screen tears started streaming down her face. I could hear the muffled cry of my name from behind the duct tape on her mouth.

“Dominic I swear to you I’ll kill you if you-”

“If I what? Touch her? Kill her?” He asked, pulling a gun out.

I grit my teeth as he walked over to Esmeree. Esmeree screamed and fought against her restraints, trying to get away from him. I slammed my fist against the desk, the sound catching Dominic’s attention. He simply smirked, raising the gun and aimed for her leg. I panicked, watching as he pulled the trigger. Esmeree screamed a blood curdling scream that could be heard perfectly through the duct tape over her mouth.

“She’s only nine you sick bastard!” I yelled, tears blurring my vision.

Dominic chuckled, walking closer to the camera, “I’ll tell you what...If you don’t want the next one to go through her skull meet me in the place I tell you. Bring anyone with you and your sister will be dead within seconds, understood?”

At that the screen turned black, my phone lighting up with a text message. I wasn’t able to read it as my knees buckled from under me as I crumbled to the ground. I gasped for air as I started breathing heavily, hyperventilating. I felt my whole body shake, Hoseok appearing in my line of vision. I had completely forgotten he was here. I could see his lips moving but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. A resounding ringing noise was all I could hear as it was getting harder and harder to breathe. I felt Hoseok shake my body roughly, trying to snap me out of it but I was too far gone. I started seeing black spots dance across my vision.

-Hoseok’s P.O.V-

I panicked as she collapsed in my arms, immediately going to check her pulse. I let out a sigh of relief when I felt her heartbeat. The relief was short lived however as I realised how slow her heartbeat was. I cursed, hurriedly hooking my arm under her knees, picking her up and carrying her to my room. I gently laid her down on the bed, pulling out my phone so I could call Seokjin.

I thanked the heavens that he answered after the second ring, “Hyung! I need you to get back here as fast as you can.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Azura collapsed...have any of you seen if she’s been eating at all? Every time I saw her she had her eyes glued to that damn screen.” I asked, turning to Yoongi and Jeongguk who were standing by the door

“No, every time Yoongi hyung and I would switch off to take over she refused to go get something to eat, much less get any sleep.” Jeongguk said, Yoongi letting out a yeah of agreement.

I cursed, my hold on my phone tightening, “Where do you keep the IV?”

“In my room in the back of the closet. Set it up for me, we should be there in a few minutes.” He instructed me, the both of us hanging up as I ran to his room.

I could see the stand, the other supplies in a bag next to it. Grabbing everything I needed I ran back to my room, noticing how all the color in Azura’s face had vanished. I grew worried at seeing little droplets of sweat forming on her forehead. Putting everything down I went over to her and rested my hand on her forehead, feeling for her temperature. I compared her temperature with mine, sighing in relief when I realized she wasn’t running a fever. I was still worried however since she had developed a cold sweat and I had no idea why.

“Out of the way.” Seokjin said as he pushed me away from Azura.

I was so deep in thought that I hadn’t noticed that the rest of the guys had come back. I stood back, leaning against the wall with my arms crossed. I bit on my lower lip anxiously, watching Seokjin look her over. He rolled up the sleeve of her sweater, revealing how thin she had gotten over these past few weeks. I turned away as he inserted the IV needle into her arm, pushing myself off the wall and walking out of the room.

“How’s she doing?” Jimin asked, taking a few steps towards me when he saw me.

I didn’t answer as I turned to the monitors, all of them black. I leant forward, resting my hands on the back of the empty chair in front of the monitors. I felt angry; angry at myself for not noticing how Azura was falling apart right in front of my eyes, angry at her for not taking a fucking break, angry at Dominic, the sick bastard causing all of this.

“Fucking hell.” I shouted in anger, throwing the chair aside roughly, hearing it make a loud thud as it made contact with the wall.

“Hoseok…” Namjoon sighed out, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

But that was the last thing I wanted. I pulled out of his grasp, pushing him aside roughly as I made my way to the front door. I was going to find the bastard myself. I didn’t get very far, Yoongi blocking my path.

“Move hyung.” I all but growled out.

“Calm down first and tell them what happened. We need to figure this out together.”

I scoffed, going to walk around him but he grabbed my arm roughly, dragging me back towards the others. I stumbled a bit as he pushed me back roughly. Yoongi was stronger than he looked.

“Sit down.” He said, the look in his eyes causing me to immediately obey as I plopped down on the couch.

I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees as I let my head fall into my hands. I rubbed at my face roughly, trying to calm down but I was only getting angrier. I cursed, standing back up and pacing around the room.

“I’m gonna kill him. I swear to God I’ll kill him even if it’s the last thing I do.” I sneered, my hands balled up into fists.

“The fucking bastard-” I cut myself off, trying to control my anger.

I was so fucking angry I could barely control myself. That man was the scum of the earth, the dirty beneath our shoes and it pissed me off that he was getting away with all the shit he was doing. No matter what Azura did in the past no one, no one deserved to watch a love one tortured like that bastard was doing to Azura’s nine year old sister. I couldn’t keep my temper under control, turning on my heels and punching the big mirror that hung on the wall roughly. I ignored the pain of feeling bits of glasses embedding themselves in my knuckles, the blood dripping down to the floor as I turned around to face the others.

“He threatened to kill her sister if she didn’t met up with him at the location of his choice. He put a bullet through her nine year old sister’s leg to get his point across.”

I said through gritted teeth, seeing the looks on all of their faces, noticing that Taehyung and Jeongguk were no longer in the room. They must’ve left in the midst of my pacing.

“When did he want her to meet him?” Jimin asked, a glare having made it’s way onto his face.

I grabbed Azura’s phone, looking at the message Dominic had sent her. I sighed in both frustration and relief at seeing that he set the date to a week from now. A week was enough time for Azura to regain her strength, both physically and mentally. I opened my mouth to tell them what the text message said but was stopped short as Seokjin walked into the livingroom.

“She’s stable...but she’s very weak. She should be waking up within the next few minutes.” Seokjin said, a sigh leaving his lips, “Hoseok...she’s very weak, it was a miracle that she was even able to stand up on her own. If I’m right then she has anemia and it’s been acting up ever since this started.”

“W-what?”

“She didn’t faint because of lack of sleep or not eating. Well not eating did play a part in it but-” He cut himself off, plopping down on the sofa, “Her heart has been working overtime in these last few weeks. Due to the iron deficiency in her blood her heart beats irregularly trying to receive the oxygen that her blood isn’t producing. Mix in the shock of what she saw and her bad eating habits… I gave her something so her blood can produce the iron it needs but if she continues to not give her body the protein and nutrients it needs she’ll need to be admitted in the hospital asap.” He finished, recalling all he learned in med school a few years ago.

Before anyone could say anything else I went to her, my legs having moved at their own accord. As soon as I walked into the room it felt like a ten ton anvil was pressing up against my chest. Some of the color had returned to her face but she still looked as fragile as ever. I wasn’t able to take another step towards her, frozen in place at seeing her like this.

[gigdiyf118-blog]

How to Explain Download GTA gtadownload.org to a Five-Year-Old

Grand Theft Auto V Game description

For me, Grand Theft Auto V ’s extraordinary scope is summed happy throughout a couple favourite moments. One is from the mid-game mission by which I hurried a smooth in another level, fought the crew, hijacked the thing, and parachuted dazed then observed that crash in the sea to escape death on the palm of earnings military fighter jets. Another time, whilst travel in in the off-road buggy, I got distracted in something that seemed like a path up one of the San Andreas mountains. Turns out it was a route, next I committed 15 minutes respect on the meeting, wherever I almost ran on the faction of hikers. “Typical!” one of them yelled in myself, like he nearly gets run over by a rogue ATV on top of a hill each time he goes on a hike.

I could go on like this for ages. GTA V has an loads of like moments, big and tiny, that make San Andreas – the municipality of Los Santos and its surrounding areas – feel like a living earth in which everything can take place. It both gives you tremendous autonomy to check out a astonishingly well-realised globe also requests a story that’s gripping, kicking, and darkly comic. It is a step familiar with narrative sophistication to the collections, and there’s no physical part of the gameplay that hasn’t been increased over Grand Theft Auto IV. It’s immediately noticeable the cover practice becomes other reliable and the auto-aim less touchy. The vehicles handle less like the tires are made from butter with fix better to the road, though their exaggerated handling still leaves plenty of area for spectacular wipeouts. With at long past, Rockstar has completely slain one of the most persistent demons, mission checkpointing, assuring that you never have to do a long, tedious take six when you repeatedly fail a vision ever again.

Grand Theft Auto V can be the intelligent, wickedly comic, and bitingly relevant commentary about contemporary, post-economic crisis America. Anything about it drips satire: it pulls into the Millennial generation, celebrities, the extreme right, the further abandon, the interior rank, the media... Nothing is sound by Rockstar’s sharp tongue, including modern video games. One prominent supporting character spends largely involving their moment here the room shouting sexual threats at public on the headset whilst playing a first-person shooter called Righteous Slaughter (“Rated PG – pretty much the same as the final game.”) It is not specifically subtle – he actually has the word “Entitled” tattooed on the throat, and also the in-game radio and Television outright piss-takes don’t go much to the imagination – but it is often very weird, and a bit provocative with it. Grand Theft Auto’s San Andreas is a fantasy, but the points that satirises – greed, corruption, hypocrisy, the insult of nation – become all very real. If GTA IV was there a targeted murder on the American dream, GTA V takes point at the contemporary American reality. The attention to depth that assumes doing the world feel successful and believable is also what makes the satire so biting.

GTA 5 ’s plot happily works at the boundaries of plausibility, sending anyone not permitted to be carried dirt bikes along the highest of trains, hijack military jets, and do absurd shootouts with reports of policemen, although its three principal individuals are what store this relatable perhaps at the most great. The well-written and proceeded relationship between them provides the biggest laughs and most affecting minutes, with the way which their links with a single another polished and my opinion of them changed over the story granted the story its energy. They think that people – albeit extraordinarily f***ed-up people.

Michael is a retired con person with his 40s, filling out throughout the inside because he drinks beside the pond within their Vinewood mansion with a layabout son, air-headed daughter, serially unfaithful wife, and very expensive therapist – most of which hate him. Franklin is a kid from downtown Los Santos who laments the gang-banger stereotype even as he’s reluctantly seduced by the scene of an better score. And then there’s Trevor, a hazardous career criminal that times in the desert selling drugs with killing rednecks; a psychopath whose bloodthirsty lunacy is fuelled by a mix of methamphetamine with a badly messed-up childhood.

The assignment flit concerning their own special articles and a overarching plotline which affects Get GTA Gratis gtadownload.org all three, and it’s a thanks to GTA V’s versatility and collective quality that each individual gets his share of standout vision. As their arcs developed I considered quite differently on each one of them by different periods – they’re not solely the models that they are.

This three-character structure reaches for exceptional walking and vast make in the storyline, but it also allows Rockstar to compartmentalise different aspects of Grand Theft Auto’s personality. In doing so, it sidesteps some of the troubling disconnect that took place when Niko Bellic abruptly changed between anti-violent philosophising and sociopathic killing sprees in GTA IV. Here, many of Michael’s missions circle about his relations along with his earlier, Franklin is usually on call for vehicular madness, and maximum murderous rampages are give to Trevor. Each has a particular ability suited to help his abilities – Franklin could to help slow down time while driving, for example – which presents them a unique touch. Narratively, it’s effective – even off-mission I found myself participating in quality, work like a mid-life-crisis gentleman with rage issues like Michael, a thrill-seeker as Franklin, along with a maniac as Trevor. The first thing I did when Franklin finally made the right dollars was buy him the awesome car, because I experience like that’s exactly what he’d want.

Trevor feels a like a bit of a get-out-of-jail-free cards for Rockstar, presenting the opening for all the preposterous tricks and brutal behaviour that normally could not fit into with GTA V’s narrative ambitions. I found the violent insanity a miniature overblown and boring at first. Because get-out clauses go, although, it’s pretty actual, and Trevor’s over-the-top missions are most of GTA V’s action-packed highlights. The a successful way of answering a setback that’s commonplace in open-world games: the anxiety between the story the authors are trying to direct, with the history you make yourself inside its approach and its world. GTA V accommodates both, masterfully, allowing not to challenge the other.

The concrete action of control between them too offers a window into their personal goes with patterns, weeding out their personalities in a way that feels organic and original. Accept a integrity then the camera zooms out over the San Andreas map, closing fund now by wherever they eventually be. Michael might be at home watching TV when you plunge here next to him, before speeding next to the motorway blasting ‘80s attacks, or using a cigarette in the golf club; Franklin can become moving away from a strip club, eating a case of snacks at home, or arguing with his ex-girlfriend; there’s an excellent chance that Trevor could be gone out half naked on the beach encircled by over bodies or, one memorable occasion, down in a stolen police helicopter.

It could be virtually everything, as there is a bewildering assortment of affairs to do from the different San Andreas – tennis, yoga, hiking, run on beach and also by land, flying planes, golfing, cycling, diving, hunting, and more. The objective remain a great intelligent leader to both San Andreas’ locations and activities, touring people across the road and increasing your taste for free exploration of it all. The way that we’re presented near San Andreas never feels artificial – the chart is finally open on the beginning, for example – which says to the sense that the a real place, somewhere you can get to know. If GTA IV’s Liberty City feels like a living city, San Andreas feels like a living world. I appreciate people walking the dogs together the beach in the country since I jet-skied past, arguing for the street beyond a movie theater with Los Santos, and camped – with covering and all – immediately at Support Chiliad, before pushing up next lasting a hike in the morning. It’s astounding.

The ambience changes dramatically counting at where you are, very. Trevor’s dusty trailer out during nowhere in Blaine County feels like a new planet from downtown Los Santos or Vespucci Beach. That wasn’t until once I hurried a flat from the urban and in the hill I lived cycling around a few hours or that the full scale of it became evident. That drives the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 further than they have any suited near, and it seems incredible. The biggest bounce with class as Grand Theft Auto IV is the person animation, but the world is also much more expansive, described, and populous. The price we buy of which lives occasional framerate dips and grain pop-in, i found became more prominent the longer I played, yet certainly not significantly taken away by my personal experience. For this kind of a huge and flexible world it is also remarkably bug-free – I experienced just three small difficulties in the 35 times I spent on our head playthrough, none which caused everyone to help break down a quest.

San Andreas’s extraordinary logic of site is heightened by the fact that much of it isn’t on the drawing. There’s so much going on that it’s simple learn things organically, rather than spend your life following a mission marker. I when grab a traveling jet from the airport for the hell of it, then parachuted on the top of the tallest form in Los Santos. (I then accidentally jumped off the highest then decrease near my own death, forgetting that I’d already worked with the parachute, however I generally leave to hurt off.) Out driving in the country, I stretched across a man to a mobile phone post with womens’ underwear. I tracked down criminals who randomly swipe bags on the road, and happened across gunbattles between police and other miscreants, occasions to add a sense that it world isn’t completely uneventful if I wasn’t here to help disrupt normalcy. I purchased an expensive mountain bicycle with cycled around in the hills, appreciating the look on. These little moments can be get on your cell phone camera – which, brilliantly, can also take selfies. I have many bites of Trevor make their unhinged description of an look dressed in their underpants over a pile.

The legend which GTA V tells through the quest takes full benefit of all this diversity beyond need and score (nevertheless the motivation and run is still very enjoyable). It’s cause a lot of good moments. It allowed us racing Michael’s lazy blob of a daughter across Vespucci Beach in one of many misguided efforts in father-son bonding, operating a winter scope to look for somebody from a helicopter before chasing them across the city on the ground, torching a meth lab, towing cars for Franklin’s crack-addict cousin to help stop him from shed his task, getting into a feature from the sea in the wetsuit and flippers, piloting a sea, posing as a structure worker, doing yoga, escaping on plane skis, failing many occasion to arrive a flat burdened with drugs at a hangar elsewhere in the sweet… this goes about with by. The days of a similar cycle of “transport here, learn that guy, throw this person” are after us. Also missions that might otherwise be formulaic are filled with novelty with excitement by the possibility to play them since several different perspectives – in a shootout, Trevor can occur exciting RPGs from a rooftop when Michael and Franklin line the enemy on the ground.

It is the heists – multi-stage, huge-scale affairs that function as the story’s climactic peaks – that will event Grand Theft Auto V on their many serious and completed. Usually there’s a choice between a more involved, stealthier option that will (hopefully) attract less temperature, along with a great all-out option that will be less tense although more explosively chaotic – and what crew to take along with you on the job. All of GTA V’s missions are replayable at any time, letting you relive favourite seconds before try off another line. They have optional objectives in the vein of Assassin’s Creed’s synchronisation challenges, but crucially, these are invisible the first time you participate in a mission, so they don’t distract people by fix things your way.

Sometimes your own way won’t are the means that this designers require you to do something, and while GTA 5 is usually great in bending near you when that happens, there were a couple of instances exactly where it wasn’t make for my private type of chaos. Overtake a car you’re not supposed to overtake and it will burn in limit of visitors as if in special. Despite the establishment of fresh stealth mechanics, enemies will miraculously go with people when the mission dictates that they must. Kill someone before you’re supposed to, and that’s sometimes Mission Failed. Most likely the scripting is adequate to be invisible, yet once it’s not, you really perceive it – if only because usually the so smooth.

As always, some of the wittiest record shows standing on the in-game radio which acts behind all of the exploration and chaos. “There’s nothing new profitable, more masculine, new American than a big pile of money,” blasts one of the in-game ads. “We learn periods are challenging, however they don’t have to be tough for you. Still received several liquidity in your home? Are you nuts?” The audio selection is also typically excellent, leading to most of those serendipitous times where you’re take down with the right music comes by. During a heist, when the radio isn’t blaring the background, a vibrant soundtrack seriously builds tension.

The satire is helped with integration of advanced life to the game world. Every character circles around the smartphone – it’s used to trade stocks, call up friends to meet way up and send emails. There’s a great Facebook spoof, Life Invader, on the in-game Interne, with the slogan “Where Your Individual Information Becomes A Marketplace Report (That You can Offer)”. You’ll hear ads for preposterous parodic TV shows that you can actually guard next to your own TELEVISION at home, optionally whilst having a toke. It might not be realistic, but it definitely feels authentic.

It is value mentioning that when that occurs to sex, drugs, with violence, GTA V pushes boundaries much further than ever before or. If the morality controls were concerned with Hot Chocolate, there’s a lot here that will provoke moral hysteria. It’s deliciously subversive, and tightly language in cheek... but one time or double, it drives the borders of style, too. There’s one particular world, a torture place in which you have no choice yet to actively participate, i learned so troubling that we got trouble playing this; yet couched with apparent criticism on the US government’s way out to pain post 9/11, it is a shocking moment that will attract justified controversy. This gives to mind Name of Job: Modern Warfare 2’s No Russian mission, except worse, and with no option to bypass over that. Some other stuff, like the ever-present prostitution and wide strip-club minigames, feels like it is there because this could be rather than because it say anything to say.

There is nothing in San Andreas, while, that doesn’t serve Rockstar’s intent with establishing a exaggerated projection of The usa that’s saturated with crime, violence and sleaze. There are no clear person with GTA V. Everyone you experience is a sociopath, narcissist, criminal, lunatic, sadist, cheat, liar, layabout, or several combination of those. A gentleman whom pays good income to eliminate Los Santos’ worst examples of corporate greed is participating in the stock market near the help whilst he does it. In a world like this, it’s not testing for you to ensure why violence is so usually the first option. All the pieces fit.

Verdict

GTA 5 is not only a preposterously enjoyable video game, but also the sharp and sharp-tongued satire of modern America. This represents a sophistication of the lot that GTA IV transported on the counter several years ago. The technically more accomplished in every conceivable way, although it is also tremendously serious with its just. No extra planet into video games comes near that now magnitude or opportunity, then there is sharp intelligence behind its wisdom of humour and surprise for mayhem. This identifies a compelling, unstable, and provocative story without ever allowing that be in the way of your personal self-directed adventures in San Andreas. It is one of the very best movie games ever get. Notice: That assessment exclusively defends the single-player part of GTA V , since it launched without any multiplayer mode.