#the writing motivation at 2am has hit me

[keplerbyte]

Hobie piercing Miles' ears, send post

[edensbuttercups]

Is this a joke? Pt. II - Jake "Hangman" Seresin x reader

Read part one here!

Summary: As the Uranium mission unfolds, Jake deals with his feelings and the knowledge that he'll have to talk to you once he gets back.

A/N: Finally here with part two! It's been an up and down week in terms of writing motivation, but the love this fic has received honestly warmed my heart. So, here we go with part two! I hope you all enjoy ♡ Has this been proofread? Absolutely not, in typical me fashion 😌

(also, half thinking of a part three with how the date would actually go, maybe a shorter part but 👀 I am open to ideas and/or suggestions 😌)

Words: 3.5k

As always, requests are open and comments are very much appreciated! Thank you for reading and hope you're all having a good day ♡

He could hear it all.

Waiting, hands gripping the controls, ready to takeoff if he was needed.

Daggers descending below radar.

Hangman sighed when he heard Maverick’s words, feeling the tension rise. It was the quiet before the storm, waiting and knowing that even shit hit the fan, he’d have to be in standby until deemed necessary. Unwillingly, he let his mind slip back to you. Your words echoing in his brain just as much as the ones on the radar had. I have a crush on you.

Now, that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair, because he had a crush on you. And as much as he should’ve been happy, should’ve jumped for joy, wrapped his arms around you, kissed you like he had craved so many times before, he couldn’t be, because it was real now. It wasn’t something he could dream about before bed anymore, resting his head on the pillow and thinking of what it would be like to tell you how he felt, hold your hand and call you his, no, now he had to face it. He had to choose words that he knew he’d be terrible at choosing, to tell you something that he’d be terrible at conveying. And the worst part of it all was that he had left you there, after such a revelation, and you probably hated him now. And he deserved it.

Sir, dagger two and four are behind schedule.

He listened in, cursing under his breath. “C’mon Rooster. You can do it.” he whispered to himself only, no one there to hear him. It felt small, the space around him, unbearably warm while on ground, beads of sweat slowly running down his brow, feeling like he needed air, needed space, needed time, while also feeling safe there, feeling useful.

You woke up that morning with a knot in your throat, the memory of what had happened still very much vivid in your mind, along with the knowledge of what the dagger squad was probably facing right now. Plucking your phone from the bedsheets, you looked at Rooster’s message again.

Roos 🐓: leaving now. Don’t worry about anything. I’ll text you when we get back, and drinks are on me!

You smiled at his words again, chuckling at his ways, always leaving with a smile even if you knew how much these missions stressed him, having told you the way he felt sometimes, the air not quite enough when things could go wrong so easily, when he thought about his dad while up there.

And then there was Jake. Confident in every way, except for that time he came knocking at your door at 2am after Bob and Natasha got hit by a bird strike and Coyote G-locked. Pretended he was fine, pacing in your living room, apologizing and trying to keep his jokes going, shaking his head in a silent laughter when you approached him, seeing the way his eyes softened when you stopped him in his tracks, a hand on each shoulder. “Are you okay?” That night stayed between the two of you, and even between you there had been no more talks of it. It lived in your mind, though, the way Jake had wrapped his arms around you, the height difference making it seem like he was the one comforting you and not the other way around, and if he cried then it was never mentioned, never acknowledged. He fell asleep by your side, far enough to not feel like he was overstepping, close enough to hold your hand through the night. The next morning he left with a soft smile, thanking you when you handed him his coffee, as if that was what he was thanking you for, ready to put on his usual front in front of the squad. And that was how Jake was. He was a mocking, teasing type of friend, one that you could joke with and pretend to hate as much as you wanted, but that ultimately won your heart by showing you those sides of him that were truly him.

You sighed, setting the phone down again and sitting up, letting your feet dangle off the bed. Radio silence would await you until they were all back, and even if that didn’t help with the incessant static in your mind, you moved on with your day, pretending that you weren’t worried, or hurt.

Hearing Rooster call bombs away had been the first part that caused Hangman’s nerves to grow, the tension in his hands making them tighten as he listened, following each word coming from the radio with a forced attention, ready for his signal. Then, bullseye was called, a smile growing on his face, a silent cheer shared with, once more, no one but himself, but the knowledge that they had made it, not him specifically, but the team. Barely the time to celebrate went by before tension rose again, the enemy missiles getting launched one by one, a mess of voices and screams over the radio, and then, just when things couldn’t get worse, they did.

Dagger one is hit! Maverick down. Dagger one status!

A jumble of words before the order to go back.

Recommend dagger flow south.

Hangman heard the panic in Rooster’s voice, understood the history between him and Maverick, knew what losing someone felt like. “Dagger spare, request permission to fly air cover” He spoke quickly, concisely, ready to takeoff. He had probably messed up his chances with you, but that didn’t mean he had to lose Rooster as well, seeing now just how much of a dick he could be with the people he deep down cared for. “Negative, spare.” he heard back, sighing in defeat. There was nothing he could do. Nothing. Useless, waiting for them to come back, a celebration bound to happen only on paper, one of them lost.

Dagger, you are not to engage.

Hangman almost did engage, but didn’t. His job was to follow orders, and that’s what he did. Yet dagger two did not. Rooster hadn’t followed directions, flying right back to where Maverick had fallen, ignoring everything and everyone else and heading straight back into danger. After all, he had more courage than Hangman had.

Dagger two is hit. Dagger two, do you copy?

There was nothing more painful than that silence. They couldn’t lose someone two people in one mission. Couldn’t lose Rooster. If Hangman was to come home to you, hoping you’d at least listen to him, how could he come back without your best friend?

Hangman let out a low chuckle when Rooster signal was traced again, and fully laughed when it had been clear Maverick was along. Soon enough, no matter how good they were, he got the all clear to help them, flying out to save their asses just in time. “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your savior speaking. Please fasten your seatbelts and return your tray tables to their locked and upright position and prepare for landing.” He wasn’t hiding the smile he was brightly wearing, adrenaline still coursing through his veins as he flew side by side with Maverick and Rooster, never happier to see both of their faces. They were okay. “Hey Hangman. You look good.” He could only see Rooster’s eyes, but it was evident that he was happy to see him, and god was he happy to see them. Alive. “I am good. I am very good.” He did feel very good indeed. This was the part of his job that kept him going, the adrenaline all the more intense when something bad almost happened, and while he never wanted to lose anyone again, he welcomed the feeling.

Celebrations done and hugs shared, everyone dispersed, preparing to go home again, each member of a team talking to someone while they still buzzed with adrenaline while Maverick talked to the Admiral. All except for Hangman. Everyone noticed, but no one approached him, knowing he had his times and not minding the silence his absence brought, yet Rooster eventually walked towards him, sitting by his side with a loud huff. “So what’s up, Hangman?” Rooster finally asked. He had been thankful of Hangman saving him, and despite not having had the best of relationships with him, his reaction to your words only adding to that, he seemed to have gotten over that once they landed, seeing a truthful relief in the aviator’s eyes. Hangman took a sharp breath in, looking down with a smirk on his lips. “You sure you want to talk about it?” He asked, looking up at Rooster. It felt weird, after so long of teasing and mocking to just open up to him, even if he was the only person he could open up to, considering that he was the only other person, besides you and him, to know about what had happened. “Hard to pick sides when you only know half the story. And realistically, I’m not going to pick your side, but you know.” Rooster shrugged, smiling nonetheless, glad to see the blond man relax, taking a seat by his side as he let out a breath he had been holding, glad for the mission to have gone the way it had, but still nervous to make his way back home. “She told me she’s got a crush on me.” Hangman muttered, letting his head fall back. “Yeah, and you just cut her short with a we’ll talk when I get back.” Rooster mocked, raising the pitch of his voice in mock-tone, rolling his eyes. “She told me.” He then added, noticing how Hangman’s eyes were back on him. “Was she upset?” He asked, and Rooster hadn’t always been the best judge of Jake “Hangman” Seresin, but if he had to judge him now he’d say the blond man was actually genuinely concerned.

And he would be right.

Jake had spent the night before the mission falling in and out of sleep, words left unsaid ghosting on his lips, along with worry in his chest, even if he hadn’t technically been chosen to fly, if not for backup, but the team he had warmed up to was, and he had grown to care for them, even if he didn’t always show it. “She… was… fine?” Rooster spoke after a moment of thought, glaring at Hangman when he rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t answer my question.” He said, letting out a frustrated groan. He hadn’t want to make you upset. He knew he had, and that wouldn’t change that he was mad at himself for it, but still, he didn’t like hearing it. “Do you like her back?” Rooster asked instead of fixing his prior sentence, letting that go. “Clearly.” “So why did you leave?” Hangman sighed, closing his eyes and trying to find some words that wouldn’t earn a That makes no sense, Hangman, or something along those lines.

He knew it didn’t.

It didn’t make sense to run away when the person he did like told him they liked him back, and yet he did. It didn’t make sense to crave your touch even when he had never felt it like he wished, especially not when he’d never get to feel it now that it had messed up. And it didn’t make sense to be here, confiding his secrets and feelings to Bradley fucking Bradshaw, and yet. “I was going to tell her that I have a crush on her.” he said, grimacing at the way the words felt as he pronounced them. He raised a finger when he saw Rooster move to speak, not wanting him to chime in just yet, not having said enough words to potentially save his reputation, or what was left of it. “I had time. Not telling her meant I could choose the moment, be in control of the situation, see how it played out, say it was a joke if she happened to reject me.” “What a way to own up to your feelings.” Rooster mumbled, rolling his eyes but letting him go on. “But she told me, now. Power’s in her hands. I’m the one that has to answer, and I can’t hide behind anything if…” Hangman stopped mid-sentence, frowning as he thought about what he was afraid of. “If she doesn’t like you? She said she does. That’s solved. And power being in her hands…” Rooster sighed, shaking his head, “this ain’t about power. It’s about liking each other.” He waited for Hangman to add something, anything, but he was just looking ahead, studying the floor with particular interest. “Hangman, you know about it. People flirt with you, you flirt back-” “Yeah, but they don’t like me. They like the idea of the confident Navy man that could easily swoop them to bed and rock their world.” He said smirking, before his lips fell back down. “She doesn’t.” Rooster hummed, understanding where he was going with his words. “She likes you.” “I don’t know when last time someone actually liked me.” Hangman revealed, knowing he’d regret being this open with Rooster, but allowing it to happen for now. “Okay, listen. I hated it, trust me, before today you were probably my least liked person.” Hangman scoffed and Rooster’s words, but nodded at him to go on. “But she made me change my mind about you, in some small stupid way. She likes you because of the way you are when no one’s looking. She sees something more, something I don’t see, and arguably, maybe she’s the only one that does, but either way, she likes you.” Rooster went on, not allowing the blond aviator to add anything else until he was done. “She went on about you every time we were together, asking about how you were doing, how you were, yet openly bickering with you when you were around. It was, and is, infuriating. But what’s more infuriating is you letting this chance go, breaking your heart alongside hers just ‘cause you’re afraid.”

Rooster didn’t add anything other than that, didn’t give Hangman the chance to reply, just stood and left, walking back towards Bob and Fanboy, clapping his hands over their shoulders and pulling them into a hug. Hangman knew he’d join them in a few minutes, put on his smirk and go back to his usual self, but he allowed himself a moment to consider his words, his fear. Rooster was, ultimately, right, and he was being scared of something that he shouldn’t have been scared of in the first place.

Time seemed to slow down when they landed back in Miramar, everyone still chattering and bubbling with energy, leaving him sitting in the back until most of them had risen to their feet, eager to get off. Hangman descended the stairs slowly, having, for once, allowed - and insisted - for everyone to go ahead, getting to the tarmac before he did. He saw Rooster turn back to him and ignored him, trying to prepare himself for the conversation he was going to have with you, clenching his hands into fists. He gave Rooster the chance to walk up to you, keeping his steps slow as he walked towards you, weighing his words. I’m sorry for leaving without saying anything. I like you too, I’m just afraid to give you the power to break my heart. I’m not good at relationships. He cursed under his breath, knowing that as much as there words echoed the truth, there was no way he’d actually be able to speak them.

Rooster knew Hangman was approaching when your eyes left his to land on the blond aviator behind him, a small smile on your lips, expression softening, before you let it go back to a more distant one, smiling only when you met Bradley’s eyes again. “I’m so glad you’re back.” You hummed, ignoring the man that was now steadily approaching. “You should listen to what he’s got to say.” Bradley said in reply, reaching to hold your hand, then letting it go when he saw your nod. You were going to listen, yes, but seeing him there, okay and alive, you felt the emotions you had felt on that night bubble back up, buried by the worry and rising once it had gone, and you weren’t sure you could do much more than listen with the sadness and anger taking over again. “Need me to stay?” He asked before leaving, nodding once again when you muttered a no, thank you, watching him walk towards Hangman and pat him on the back as he went to join the others, leaving the two of you alone. “Can we talk?” He asked you when he reached you, expression pleading for something, anything, when the stare you gave him was colder than it had ever been. “Drive me home?” You asked instead, not wanting to be around the others in the off chance you’d end up crying. Drinks at the Hard Deck had already been planned, but you had a few hours before that, and could easily pull yourself back together when he told you that he didn’t feel the same way. Hangman nodded,

You walked in, keys jingling until you left them by the door, closing your eyes when the door shut behind you. “I’m sorry.” Hangman mumbled, voice low and raspy, and you hated it. Hated it because had it been any other word, it would’ve had you blushing, but this made you feel bad, for you more than for him. “I should’ve known. I pushed it.” You said instead, sitting on the couch with a huff, grabbing one of the pillows and holding onto it. He paced the floor, much like you had that first night, going back and forth and back and forth until you stopped him by throwing a pillow at him, laughing when he lost his balance and almost fell. “Fighter pilot and yet a pillow takes him down.” You teased, smirking. “Not my fault, you’re an excellent shot.” He answered back effortlessly, a smile making its appearance back on his face. “Am I?” Hangman nodded, smirking as he picked the pillow up, setting it at the foot of the couch and sitting on it, looking up at you from there. “I’m angry with you.” You added, shaking your head when he tried to speak. “Not ‘cause you don’t like me back, that’s fine. It’s not something I expected from you, anyway, it was just a secret I couldn’t carry anymore. But I’m angry ‘cause you left with barely a word, and you didn’t text before leaving, and as much as I know why you didn’t… I was still worried. I care for you, and I knew there was a chance I wasn’t going to see you again, and I just-” “Stop.” You looked down to see him, eyes closed and cheeks red, his eyebrows drawn together. Shifting slightly, you waited, not sure as to what he was going to say, but hoping his next words wouldn’t be the ones telling you that your whole friendship was over. “Kiss me.” “What?” It takes you a minute to respond, expecting to hear anything but that. You smirk, rolling your eyes at your next words, but go on anyway, quoting him. “Is this a joke?” “I’m not good with words.” He hisses, rolling his eyes too. “Ah, but you’re good with kisses, you sl-” Before you could mock him he reached for your arm, yanking you down so that you fell in his lap, his lips easily finding yours in a bruising kiss, letting go of a shallow he wasn’t aware he had been holding, groaning when he felt you melt against him, your hand reaching to rest over his shoulder, slowly trailing up into his hair, tugging on it slightly. “Don’t tease.” He hums, smirking as he pulls away, lips red and pupils blown, a completely different image from the one that was pacing in front of you a few minutes ago. “Wasn’t.” You say innocently, leaning your head into his hand as if comes up to cup your cheek, a softness taking over his features you hadn’t seen often, not with anyone but you, anyway. And you realize, then, that it had been foolish to think he’d want to end your friendship, his looks always different from the ones he reserved for his friends. “I promise I will find words to tell you how I feel, but for now just know that I like you too.” He whispers, watching you closely and pecking your lips again, happy to finally be able to. “You owe me a date.” You hum, running a hand in his hair again, loving the way his perfect strands get messed up under your touch. “I owe you a lot more than a date, but how does tomorrow sound?”

Taglist: (For those that didn’t explicitly ask me to tag them, I hope you don’t mind being tagged, but I thought you might like to read part 2!♡) @alana4610 @bookaholics-stuff @addietagglikesbands @asshlyyyy @malfoysqueen54

[bonesandthebees]

Okay I'm on desktop because my mobile Tumblr is bugged and won't let me view profiles so I haven't been able to send any asks but I'm here now.

Spoilers for The Priory of The Orange Tree btw for anyone who hasn't read it yet (do it. Go in as blind as possible)

I have been reading Priory and was slowly reading a few pages at a time but because I was sick and getting used to some new meds I'm on (hurray for experimentation and diagnosis on the horizon), I found it hard to actually sit down and just read it but I did it today (yesterday? it's 2am) and holyy shit. I went from being just under 20% through the book to 51% (I track my progress with books w a Notion to motivate myself to read lol) in one day and read about 400 pages. I have just hit part 3 after Ead is exiled.

The world is so rich and the characters are so interesting and I can already feel the ideas I have for my own fantasy world and how I can improve on writing / world building from this since complete fantasy is one of my weaker points as a writer but I want to try my hand at doing one that I would maybe publish in the future.

Tane my beloved. I love Tane so much and as much as I love Ead and Loth's povs, I always found myself wanting to go back to her perspective and learn more about dragonriding and the culture of the East, especially in the earlier parts of the book. Loth is a pov I wasn't expecting but I liked more than I thought I did. Especially when he gets to the Priory it is so interesting to see the reaction of someone who believes so much in the religion of the Vitrudom. Also the Yscalin situation breaks my heart. I felt so bad for the Princess during her entire conversation with Loth.

Niclays is the only pov that I don't particularly enjoy. I like his personality and I find his backstory to be interesting but I'm just not as invested in his storyline as I am in everyone else's.

I have stopped myself from reading just to have some restraint and try to get some sleep but I am so excited to read more. Wish I had someone to talk to in person about it but none of my friends are as into books as I am or as fast at reading.

But overall I love this book so far and I am already planning on locating and devouring other books by Shannon, including Day of Fallen Night and her other series I believe the first book of which is called Bone Season? Anyway feel free to give fantasy book recs as I want more. Poppy Wars and Unwind are already on my list.

I generally like darker books but I also like romance from time to time (sapphic preferred but I am not heterophobic)

Splitting into 2 parts because this is already really long.

-Shark anon (it's me I swear)

shark hi omg you have priory talk for me I'm THRILLED

that is so much of the book to read in one day holy shit good job. usually I read for about an hour to an hour and a half every night of whatever book I'm on (although I was reading 2 hours every night with both priory and a day of fallen night bc I was so into them all I wanted to do was read them) and that's about the max my attention span for reading can handle before my brain gets tired

okay you ask for more fantasy recs at the end so I'll answer them here and then put all my priory thoughts in the read more below

She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan is less fantasy focused (although there are fantasy elements in it) but it's really interesting with the historical setting (1300s mongol-ruled China) and has incredibly fascinating themes and conversations about gender and masculinity and all that. there are both sapphic and gay relationships focused on in the book. it's definitely darker than priory with a lot more discussions around moral greyness and complicated characters. also, I actually liked the sequel to this one He Who Drowned the World more, although it was way darker than the first book and also made me cry. twice.

right now I'm reading a book called The Fifth Season by NK Jemison, and I love the worldbuilding in this one so much. the POV and narration in the book is done in a fairly unique way at certain points, but the world itself is really what's drawn me in. it's fantasy but in a darker way. the world of The Fifth Season is one that is constantly torn apart by earthquakes so it focuses on a culture that is used to the apocalypse happening basically every few centuries. it's just so interesting to explore a culture so deeply rooted in survival and doomsday prepping and there's also a very fascinating magic system at play here. there is a queer relationship featured in it (only for a part of the book), but it's not sapphic

also right now I'm reading a book called The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri. there's absolutely no reason for me not to be obsessed with this book, but I'll be honest it hasn't grabbed me quite like Priory did. I'm taking a break from it to read the Fifth Season so maybe when I go back to it I'll be more invested? but it's very good! It features incredibly rich worldbuilding with a fantasy empire inspired by Indian culture/history, with a somewhat toxic sapphic romance/dynamic blooming at the center. definitely a lot of potential for this one so we'll see how I feel after I finish it

okay now priory talk time spoilers under the cut

but yes the world is SO rich and all the characters are so interesting. the reason I wanted to read priory in the first place was bc I was trying to read a lot of royalty-centered fantasy to help me write rose, and then I just got completely sucked into the book itself. samantha shannon's worldbuilding is just so richly layered and complex but it never feels too dense to understand. like it's a Lot, but it all flows together so well

definitely agree with your opinions on the POVs. when I was reading I was mostly interested in Ead and Tane, and then Loth got way more interesting to me once he left Yscalin for the Priory. Niclays was the only POV I really struggled to connect to. I liked him a lot more towards the end but even then I still preferred the other POVs. I really like him as a character and I think Shannon does an amazing job with his arc, I just didn't click with him as much as I did the other three POVs

if you're interested in learning more about the East you'll LOVE a day of fallen night. we get to see so much more of Seiiki history with the dragonriders and the government and all that. actually adofn just gives you so much more worldbuilding in general which was incredible for me, because the world and history of the roots of chaos series is what has really roped me in. like I love all the characters so much and I'm usually a character first girlie, but I honestly would read about any characters Samantha Shannon wants to write about in whatever point of history in the roots of chaos world because I just love the world itself so much. but yeah adofn is incredible both story wise and worldbuilding wise (and tbh I think I felt more attached to the characters in adofn than the first book but that might be recency bias). you get to learn so much more about the East as a whole (not just Seiiki, but you spend time in the Empire of the Twelve Lakes AND another country not mentioned in the first book called Sepul), you get to learn about and see a ton of Hróth which is only mentioned in the first book, and you get to see a lot more of life in the Priory as well. it's just so so good you'll love it

I haven't read the bone season and I don't know if I plan to because I read the description for the series and it doesn't seem to be my type of vibe, but I'll consider it if I get through my current reading list (which is ever growing tbh)

so so glad you're enjoying priory so far I'm so happy that so many of you have taken my recommendation

[dusty-tomes]

Weekly Writing Report #1

9.1.24 - 9.8.24

So, I've been toying around with different writing schedules that might work for me and have decided I'm going to try to write every day in September. Thus I thought I would document how the first week went.

✨ words written: 6,439* 💫 WIP total word count: 22,199* 🌙 mood:⭐️ 🪐 notes:

My first draft hit 20k this week! The zero draft came in at 16,672 when I finished it back in May, so it's only a slight step up, but a step nonetheless! Signs of progress are so fun to see.

Balancing school with writing has been an adjustment. I have really long days on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I may have to just accept I won’t be writing much on those days. I think I'm really starting to get into the writing flow, though.

I usually write in the morning because I find I have more consistent motivation, but I’ve been getting the urge lately to do some nighttime sessions like I used to do in middle school when I would be suddenly gripped by a manically creative spirit at 2am, so I may try to drag my friend into having little evening-time creativity sessions with me.

If I’m successful, then I’ll actually be able to write more on Tuesdays and Thursdays! Given I don’t have much homework.

So! We’ll have to see if I can get them on board. I’m not too bothered if not, though. I don’t have any particular word count goal for the month, I’m just trying to write every day. If I lose all motivation on September 15th or something and can only write a sentence a day, then that’s still progress to me.

That being said, I do want to make it a goal to hit 1,000 words at least one day this month. I keep hovering in the 800-950 range so i know if I push it just a little bit I can do it.

Anyway, that's my update! Thanks for reading!

See you all next week.

*Numbers may be updated later today. I plan to write a little more after I post this.

[mtnkat3]

10.34am

Good morning all!

And happy Tuesday this beautiful autumn day!

Sorry for the tardiness!

I've gotta do some work on the whole falling asleep in my recliner thing! Then waking from the tv at almost 2am, then not being able to get back to sleep in my bed until almost 3am. Sigh. My neck & shoulders feel like a pretzel. Really hurts. So I've been playing catch up since my last ditch "get your ass up t its 9.30am!" Had me jumping up & running. Oh the pain!

I guess though I didn't wanna wake up because I was in a good dream state. I was hearing The Flame 🎶 by Cheap Trick again.

But has anyone ever woken from a dream from either a nap or actual sleep.. & remembered it completely? I do this.

And the last Friday one still sticks with me.

I wrote it out. My diary/journal is full of such. They get really long too.

But this one.. I don't know if it's real.. God talking to me. I usually feel it is though. But I pray with my entire being it is!

Or if it's just fantasy.. chewing my lip.

I only know.. I'm hearing that song in my head.. & I'm teary. Because I know.. I love the one meant for me. I just wanna wrap myself around him & show him all the love in my soul! I so wanna give, & get, bear hugs! Squeeze me..

But I also have to think about being a good & sincere woman & getting my life right.

I am scared to death of being toxic to people! Of being felt that my word isn't sincere. That I don't mean nor do what I say. It really terrifies me!

Because my issues with insecurities are deep seated, evidently mom screwed me here.

I want to always treat people better than I have been treated! Because I know that hurt!

I have to make amends. And it to be truly felt.

I knew somehow this mornings post was gonna be difficult. Sigh. I only get on tumblr to post these, then look around a bit. I haven't been liking but infrequently. But one I stumbled on is really affecting me. Which is also telling me that I have work to do still.

My counseling is going well. I am getting help. Understanding that I have a lot of abuse in my life. But that I don't wanna use that as an excuse. Nor do I wanna be like that either!

Mom & wh have done enough damage! I don't want to be toxic, nor abusive, nor judgmental to others the way I have been treated. Actually makes my guts as much a pretzel as my neck & shoulders feel today!

Fighting to be me, to be a good woman, & person. To treat others with dignity & respect. To not become what I'm constantly exposed to.. it's a daily war zone.

Maybe why I hit the wall the way I did, because I just couldn't cope anymore. There was just too much on me to deal with.

All I know as I write this.. look at my cat that really needs me to get us out!.. & then outside at the leaves changing & the breeze thru the trees..

I've got hard work to do!

On me.

On packing up my life.

I just know this.. I have to give wh until 11.15.2022 then ... he runs aground.

This also makes me think about my work & my priorities. As the song is just .. strong.. I am listening.

I think about why I have fought for a decade to get away from wh. Why I moved 300+ miles from all the family & people I knew. God knows.. I needed to be away & find a safe place.

I don't have one.

I am determined to get my life back.

And to help others struggling with such too. It's why I write this very personal stuff.

That & I am certain my soul's mates . My helpmate. Is it out there.. reading my words, thoughts, feelings. But also feels my soul's anguish too. He knows me. Maybe even better than I do myself.

I really so pray that what I saw.. have written like my soul's connection just poured out thru my fingers.. that it is real.

That I love him.. & am loved in return. That we will make it over all the hurdles. Together.

God I feel shows me such beautiful things to strengthen me. To give me hope, motivation. To fight. To focus. To get my butt moving!

All I know... he is out there.. somewhere.. & God smiles on me every time I am given such a glimpse beyond the veil. It fuels my soul.

I look forward to the day I am in his arms.. I look in his eyes.. & he is my #1 priority.

Well God then..

My priorities..

God.. my soul's mates .. family.. friends..

world.

I give it to God.

Because He alone can Guide me, Teach me. Mold me.. to be on the righteous path.. the one that leads me to my loves arms.. that I never will feel alone again. I will be loved, protected, cherished,.. wanted. Safe.

Just as I feel for him.

In God's Hands. Plans. Time.

I work as I await.

Because I believe.

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

Wherever.. whomever.. you are.. I love you as a soul's mate. Treasured. Priceless. Infinitely.

With every ounce of my blood, sweat, & tears of effort. My soul's mate is my universe.

Now back to work. Because I am not giving up. Ever.

Lord, I am Your daughter.

Listening closely, patiently, bowed, humbled & carefully watching my steps..

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix. 🌺

👩🤓🙏🙇‍♀️☔💡🌂🔗⛓🧰⚙⚒🛠⚔⚖🗽🦅🕊🐯🐾🐐🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵 ⌚⏳🚀⚡🌠🗝🔱⚜💝🧩♠️♾🌎🎯🧭🕯🎶💋 🥧🍁🧣🥾🥤🍯🍼☕🍫🍎🍑🍒🍋

Tu.10.18.2022 11.53am est.

[Sigh. Interruptions.]

[drop--pop--candy]

i hope you didn't miss me too much~ tis i, ever-sparkling sylvie, gracing your inbox at a timely twelve am! at least, in my timezone. please don't worry about my sleep schedule. i find myself awake during these hours a lot of the time. i hope you're enjoying whatever hour it is where you are ♪

i really did mean to hop in at least once in the past, what, twenty-four hours? but whenever it passed my mind it slipped right out and i'd totally forget. but now i've remembered, yay!

i'd just like to tell you that i suddenly got hit with a burst of inspiraton and creative clarity? it's CRAZY. i was thinking about one of my fic projects, kind of just twirling the characters around in my head—a more graceful interpretation of rotating them as if in a microwave—and it kind of just...came to me. and i kept on thinking, kept mentally writing, telling myself, oh, this is really good, until it came to the point where i thought: man. do i have to ground this somewhere.

i don't know if anyone other than myself does this, but i like to look up locations that pop up in my stories that i haven't personally been to, or just pull inspiration from real places that have found their way into the file cabinet labeled 'inspiration' in my heart. to me, it grounds the scene and gives my concepts a backgrop. and what i was struck with, then, was good enough to be grounded. so i started looking at airbnbs in seoul! (some context: fic is set in korea; character a is visiting & character b is based in kr; scene is about cooking; story has more of a homey feel so i'd rather have this & other important scenes take place in a proper house rather than, like, a kitchenette hotel.) and oh my goodness. within a minute i'd found the most beautiful house... it's clean, white, and with wooden accents. not the most cozy, per se, but definitely serene. and it has the most lush, peaceful back garden. i fell in love! truly, i fell in love. i can't wait to write this scene. but first, i felt the need to tell you the good news, because it'd been an unintentionally long while since i'd last reached out & i wanted to compensate. i know a day or so isn't so long, but i really did mean to reach out to you during that time. lol.

i hope you, too, are struck with the inspiration, motivation, and energy i have! in all honesty i've been having a rough patch so i feel as if this came to save my day. i hope that today, something saves your day, at least a little. my apologies for going on such a long tangent about myself. thank you for entertaining me! i hope my message comes as a sweet surprise to you, in the same way my muse so kindly came to me.

♡, sylvie

hi sylvie!!! i'm glad you're back!! i was afraid i scared you off lol

as i'm writing this, it's creeping up on 2am. that's not weird for me tho i stay up this late all the time during summer. dw abt not popping in!! i am the most forgetful person like ever lmaoaoao so i get it

that's really good to hear!! it's always great when inspiration strikes like that :3 i've heard some of my other writer friends look places up to help with their stories. personally i tend to just make stuff up when i write but i totally understand how basing it on a real place could really help with being able to visualize it!!

i haven't had anything massive that's "saved my day" or anything, but i have had a handful of really nice interactions with my friends over the past couple of days :D and that's really all i can hope for yk?

really it's no worries at all! i like hearing people talk about things that bring them joy it's sort of like they're sharing that feeling with me if that makes sense :> it was a nice surprise!! asks pretty much always are, they're not exactly frequent but i cherish all of them <33

[prettylittlelyres]

2022: My Year in Writing

Happy New Year, friends! I’ve been quiet again, but here’s my yearly round-up. Hopefully I’ll be more active in 2023! Without further ado:

What did I manage?

I wrote just over 168,500 words in 2022. It’s felt like a slow year for my writing, but that’s equivalent to 3 novels… so I’m pleased! I started the year wanting to write 500 words per day, and I managed an average of 462. In the spirit of being kind to myself, and celebrating achievements, I’ll consider that a target hit.

I wanted to read 50 books last year, but ended up reading 45. At first, comparing my 2022 reading record with its 2021 counterpart, I was disappointed, but then I thought about what I’d read in 2022, and realised I could remember more about the stories. Looking at my 2021 list, most of the books on there now come as a surprise. If I reading them at all, I can’t remember what they were about. More of 2022’s list is familiar, which may just be the recency effect, but I think reading more slowly has let me read more deeply. It’s hard to find time to read these days, but I do love it, so I’ve found ten or twenty minutes here and there to enjoy a tasty bite of story.

I’ve taken part in #PitMad several times, and was looking forward to future events, but it was discontinued after December 2021. I had to look for other pitching events. On 23rd June, I tweeted my pitch for “Vogeltje” at #PitchDis (a pitching event for stories by Disabled authors), and got a “like” from an agent. During Twitter pitch events, literary agents use the “like” button to express interest in pitches, as invitations to send them queries. I didn’t get a response to the query I sent, but in the meantime I’ve put querying on hold while I redraft, so that’s probably a good thing. I love the atmosphere of Twitter pitch events, and I’m looking forward to being able to take part in more!

What did I start?

I wanted to write more short-form work in 2022, so I started responding to other people’s writing prompts, and even making a few of my own. That led to five completed short stories (and even more that I planned or started but which never made it past bullet points in my notebook), and seven whole poems! I hardly ever wrote poetry before 2022, and seven isn’t a huge number, but it’s more poems than I wrote in 2023, and writing four in June alone pleased me so much.

Some of the short stories that I wrote last year have made it onto this blog, but I want to redraft others, and have a go at some of the ideas I sketched out in my notebook. I started it in May, and it’s just-over half-full of drafts and spider-diagrams planning responses to various prompts I’ve created and collected over the year. I can’t decide if I’ll start a new notebook for 2023, or if I’ll carry on working in my 2022 notebook until it’s full.

In amongst the short stories and poems that I scribbled into that notebook are bits of plans for other projects: three longer pieces that I’ve been working on this year which are probably going to end up as novels, but which are still far from finished. I’m hoping to finish drafting one of them in January, but I’m not ready to talk about it on here just yet. It’s still very early days!

What did I finish?

I finished redrafting “Vogeltje” on 1st February, at about 3am. I was still doing shift work then, so it wasn’t unusual for me to be awake so late, but now – feeling sluggish and queasy because I stayed up until 1:30am for New Year’s Eve – I wonder how I did it. These days, I can just about manage 2am, but I’m not up to writing anything coherent by then! So, not only did I finish a draft this year, I also finished my youthful years, when I could stay up late and not SufferTM.

There were drafts I didn’t finish. At the time, I felt bad about them – wondering why I couldn’t just motivate myself to complete a story like I apparently used to be able to – but now I can see that I did the right thing in stopping. I’ve learned to recognise when I need to stop, instead of slogging on to finish something I’m enjoying! I understand myself and what I want to write a lot better in January 2023 than I did in January 2022, and that’s because of all the stories I’ve abandoned.

Although it’s unrelated to writing, I’m pleased to say I’ve also completed the challenge I tentatively set myself at the beginning of the year: 300 days of clarinet practice! I’m so proud of how far I’ve come and I’m glad I recorded it all, so I can hear (and see) the improvements I’ve made. Now I feel like a proper musician again, and feel better in general. I think I’m standing up straighter, breathing more deeply, and even typing more quickly. My sight-reading has also improved a lot, and I’m finally, at 24, starting to figure out embouchure (only took me 14 years, but a win is a win).

I also had my graduation ceremony at last. I finished my degree in 2021, but graduation was postponed until 2022 because of COVID-19. It was wonderful crossing the stage with my best friends, and seeing my favourite lecturers again. (And I look absolutely delightful in my graduation photos!)

What did I do?

I put far too much pressure on myself in 2022.

I told myself I needed to write a huge amount, and finish a massive pile of projects, in a year when I was also trying to brush up another hobby, and when I changed from shift work to a 9-5 pattern and suddenly had a much more regimented schedule. Too much.

I wrote over 339,000 in 2021, probably more than I’ve written in any other year of my life, and I wanted to write just as much in 2022. I didn’t think about the fact that I was still at university for the first five months of 2021, and frequently had to write long essays and extensive notes alongside my own writing, which went very well. I work well under pressure, but only if someone else is putting it on! My brain doesn’t pay attention to deadlines I set myself because I can move them; as long as I’m in charge of what I write and when, I don’t write much at all.

2020 and 2019 were also really good years for my writing – I wrote 210,000 words in 2020, and a similar amount in 2019, although I don’t know exactly – and I expected myself to be just as prolific in 2022, but that wasn’t sensible. I was extremely lucky, three years running, to have my brain click and let me write so much, and it’s not a reflection on me that 2022 wasn’t like that. It was just an unlucky year, and I’m starting to realise that now. 2023 might be a lucky year, or it might not. It doesn’t matter how much I write, as long as I enjoy it.

How do I feel?

Honestly, I feel a little silly. I tried to overdo things and while I’m feeling healthier now than I’ve ever felt in my life, I’ve only been doing this well since October. Before that, I was floundering, and I need to remind myself of that any time I’m tempted to look at 2022 as a bit of a rubbish year. Yes, it was… but I had a bit of a rubbish time!

I didn’t finish “2021: My Year in Writing”, but I still have the bit I drafted. I gave up trying to get it all down because there was so much to talk about, and that gave me unrealistic expectations for 2022. “This year, I will write just as much as last year,” I thought to myself, not considering the context in which I wrote so much. I should have re-read the partial draft a few times this year, because, looking back at it now, there’s a few things that really jump out at me, particularly what I wrote in April:

“I rather set myself up for disappointment in April, hoping I would achieve the same amount of work as I had done the month before. There was a weekly translation for French and German, a weekly psycholinguistics reading to note down, and seminars to prepare for “German-Jewish Writing Across the Twentieth Century”. I had nearly all my weekly lectures on a single day, with barely a moment to grab a fresh cup of tea in-between them, and started to struggle with my energy levels. Sometimes, I couldn’t make it to class because I was so tired that I couldn’t sit up for an hour at a time. The rest of the week was spent trying to catch up on work I’d missed without falling behind on prep for the next week. Nevertheless, I managed to add a few scenes to “Violins and Violets”. I ended up with a 19,900-word total for the month. Couldn’t quite make those last 100 words happen… Couldn’t help being a bit disappointed in my achievements, which I knew was an unhealthy attitude, so I tried to be kinder to myself the next month.”

In hindsight, I was working so hard that I was making myself unwell. In hindsight, I knew a long time ago that I needed to be kinder to myself, and to stop setting myself up for disappointment by aiming for goals I just couldn’t achieve.

Somehow, I thought it would be a good idea to spend most of 2022 forgetting all that.

I can’t help but notice similarities between how I apparently felt in April 2021 and how I felt for most of 2022. I feel a lot better now, but I’ve been so tired this year that I’ve… managed to forget how tired I’ve been.

I’m not disappointed in myself. I just want to laugh. And then move on.

What am I looking forward to in 2023?

I’ve decided to set myself soft goals this year:

- write things I enjoy;

- put less pressure on myself;

- pause or quit projects I don’t like.

What happens happens. What I achieve, I achieve. I would quite like to be a professional writer one day, but I have to remember that I am not one at the moment. I don’t need to meet deadlines, I don’t need to write a certain number of words per day, and I don’t need to finish a certain number of books every year.

I just need to like writing.

In 2023, I want to engage more with writeblr and my local writing community (I’m part of my local NaNoWriMo group on Facebook) and participate more in the Discord server I’m in. It’s lovely having friends in other writers, and feeling like part of something. I took a writing course at the beginning of 2022, and I hope I’ll find another one (or a repeat!) this year. I loved the camaraderie of last year’s lessons, and how friendly and encouraging everyone was.

I want to read more slowly, more carefully, and more thoughtfully this year. I think I’ve benefited from reading a little less in 2022. Stephen King said, “If you don’t have the time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write,” and he was correct. I’ve let myself spend more time on each book I’ve read this year, and I’ve enjoyed everything more as a result. Hopefully in 2023, I’ll read a few more craft books, and improve my writing like I’ve improved my clarinet.

I hope all of you have a lovely new year, and I’m looking forward to reaching out a little (lot) more!

[colorfullyminded]

Making More Pinescone Fics

Hey guys. I’ve been wanting to write some Pinescone for awhile, though my motivation has been lacking. And I apologize for that. But I wanted to share some ideas to see if any of these sounded interesting or fun. See if anyone was still interested in reading (I mean, even if it’s only me interested, I still want to write them) so here’s some Ideas:

((Just to let you know, a lot of these are probably going to be a Explicit-- though you know me, I love my naughty fics with plot.))

_ _ Birthday Boy (E)- It’s Wirt’s birthday. And the best way to celebrate is with a delicious Dinner. A Warm Bath. And a comfy bed.

(Wirt is unhinged, and it’s just lots of romantic smut)

** **

Chicken Soup for the Soul (T?/M?/E?)- Wirt catches a cold, and Dipper’s here to nurse him back to health. This idea was originally going to be smutty, but I haven’t gotten far in it and so it’s possible that it could just be cute and fluffy instead. I guess it depends on what people want. 

** **

Zartbitter (E)-- TW: DubCon/NonCon in the beginning. Major Hurt/Comfort 

Dipper’s has a one night stand that ends traumatically. While he’s struggling through these emotions, he meets Wirt, who becomes something of a shoulder to lean on. Maybe even more. Though the past still haunts him, and Dipper wonders if he can ever have a normal relationship again.

(So the TW is for the beginning of the fic, as the one night stand turns very quickly dub/non consensual. But the actual Pinescone is super sweet, and 100% consensual.)

** **

Selfish (E)- Dipper finds himself in another out of body experience, but who’s the one in control, and what are they planning to do?

Dipper basically cast an enchantment on himself, that takes his selfish desires and gives them full control (though he’s not aware of this until later). And you know Dipper is a very selfless person who would push his own feelings aside for someone else. So what happens when those pent up emotions are given reign? A lot of Pent up Shenanigans. 

** **

The Way We Breathe At 2am in the Backseat (E) -- Fic based on Drawbauchery’s Amazing Cross Country Monster Hunt Au

Which you can read here: [Pinescone Ahoy]

Confessions lead to debauchery in the backseat.

** **

Cold Brew Coffee (M?/E?)-- Pinescone Coffee Shop au.

A very long meet cute between a poet and the barista at the lumberjack- themed coffeehouse.

This was originally a birthday gift for a friend, but I’d still like to continue and complete it.

** **

Valentine’s Day (T)-- Dipper hates Valentine’s Day. It’s bright, and mushy, and no-- he’s not lonely! 

Dipper tries to avoid the holiday by going to the arcade, and meets another teen who seems just as sick of the holiday as he does (or does he)? Surely the two can spend the day together hating the saccharine heart decorations, and definitely avoid getting hit by cupid’s arrow themselves.

** **

My Brother’s Secret (T)- Mabel realizes Dipper has been keeping something from her. Well, looking out for her brother’s best interest at heart, she will stop at nothing to figure out what he’s hiding. Now she just needs a team of Investigators to help her solve this mystery. 

Mabel is overly nosey in this, and she has to learn a lesson.

** **

The Phantom of The Opera (T)- Dipper keeps getting dragged to Mabel’s theater classes on his off hours. Really he’d rather be studying at home, or the library, then going to a class he doesn’t even belong to. 

I guess talking to the odd stagehand makes things a little less annoying.

I really love the idea of Wirt being a stage hand. This should be a fluffy comedy.

(Apologies if you think this is going to be a The Phantom of The Opera Au) 

** **

A Passing Grade in Dipper (T)- This should be normal and possible for Wirt to achieve. Sadly, the two men who are grading Wirt happen to be Dipper’s Great Uncles.

The Stan’s are protective, and put Wirt through a gauntlet. Comedy, with a really sweet ending.

** **

Any of the prompts from Pinescone Month 2019

Ya’ll think I forgot about that? I didn’t. _ _

But these are just a few Idea I have. If these seem interesting, give a like, or reblog, or hey, even a message is appreciated. I’d love to know what people think.  _ I truly still love this fandom and want to continue making work for it, even if I’m the last person left. These two mean the world to me, so yeah.

[2jaeh]

ORPHIC : YUTA X READER

genre: smut, angst

warnings: mature themes, enemies to lovers kinda, kinda toxic theme, multiple smut scenes, swearing, alcohol, toys. 

slight jenoxreader 

word count : 17,5k (sorrry he’s my ult)

author: sin! 

You and Yuta never had a good relationship within your group of friends. The closest the two of you ever came to even slightly caring about each other was...in bed. After some friendly advice you decide to venture out of this toxicity and an old friend comes to the rescue. Thinking things will finally settle and you are ready to move on, Yuta comes to the realization that he wasn't a fan of you leaving him for someone else. 

A/N: WHOA this took me so long to write and rn its 2am and I barely proofread anything and just wanted to post it already! ALSO I just wanted to add Jeno is practically my ult as well and I wanted to use him for this scenario ! I promise Ill make it up to you guys with a full length fic of him lol Anyways enjoy. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You couldn’t understand why you hated him so much. Was it the way he did his hair ? The way he rolled his eyes at every snarky remark you directed at him ?

Or was it the way he stared at you from across the room, a smirk on his face signaling that it was going to be one of those nights.

You joined this collective of artists or the “blank space” as you were known to the public, a year ago. The team did everything from clothing to organizing crazy exhibitions, and the best part of it all was that the team members remained anonymous.

Now some of the members were already in the spotlight for their personal artworks and collections but anything under blank space was under that name only, promoted only under its respective social media accounts. The collective was founded by Taeyong, an introverted guy you met at a fashion show you once worked at. He approached you the night your art hit the runway and you’ve been working for him ever since.

You didn’t know everybody under Blank Space except for the people Taeyong trusted the most. Which from possibly 50 designers, only reduced to a total of nine close friends.

Taeyong, Johnny, Ten, Renjun, YangYang, Doyoung, Sungchan, Lucas and You.

And then, there was one person you called a friend when the mood was right. When he was not being an absolute pain in the ass.

Yuta Nakamoto.

————————————————————————

“So there’s a launch happening this weekend over at the shed” Taeyong announced to your friend group who were barely paying attention thanks to Yangyang attempting to stuff four marshmallows into his mouth. “Come on you can do one more” Lucas edged him on while Renjun shook his head disapprovingly and Sungchan tried to suppress his laughter.

“Guys please pay attention” Doyoung, the only type of authority around here spoke up, finally quieting down the room and allowing his best friend to speak.

Taeyong cleared his throat and shifted nervously as all eyes were focused on him again. “I’d like all of us to attend, maybe look for a new recruit” the timid pink haired boy spoke and everyone nodded knowing the routine of these launches at this point.

“Can we party hard or is this just one of those save face kinda gigs ?” Yuta raised his hand and the spark in Lucas’s eyes indicated that he may have had the same idea.

You rolled your eyes and crossed your leg over the other, “Yuta’s having a dry spell he wants to find some damsel in distress to get into his bed” you turned to him and he only smirked at your snarky comment.

“Well now y/n it’s only because you haven’t been in the mood for my dick lately” he pouted and Renjun threw his head back, followed by groans from both Johnny and Ten.

“I’m not in the mood for the two of you today seriously” Ten chimed in, rubbing his temples just waiting for this group meeting to be over. “Yeah me too” Johnny added, “you two fight the entire week then hook up over the weekend, we are tired.”

“Why are you guys tired ? Are you doing the fighting and fucking ?” Yuta scoffed and Doyoung jumped to his feet, folding his arms across his chest as he looked down at the scowling black haired man,

“This is a work meeting. If it's not about work” Doyoung eyes moved to you, “then we don’t want to hear about it.”

You nodded after getting reprimanded but Yuta being Yuta just snickered and downed the rest of his coffee, unbothered by what any of the people in the room had to say about him.

“Okay then well I’ll see you guys Friday night, if you find a possible recruitment just text the group chat and we will decide as a team then and there” Taeyong wrapped up the meeting and everyone dispersed back to their work stations to finish up any outstanding projects.

Blank Space had its own office block but you guys were the only ones with a private floor at the very end of the hallway, far away from the part-timers.

Everyone had their own cubicle made up of makeshift drywall, so it was private but not private enough. Taeyong felt that closed offices made no sense for a room of creatives and when working on bigger projects it was easier for members to move their stations to their partners' cubicles.

Your cubicle though had the unfortunate fate of being placed in front of Yuta. The members had tried to swap with either of you but neither of you budged. Moving meant there was a problem and showing that you had an actual problem with the other person meant it could sabotage the team and things may go sour.

So both of you conceded. Trying your absolute best to stay out of the other person's way during work hours. But it was impossible when bickering was just something you guys did.

From the very beginning You and Yuta had disagreed on almost everything. Both of you were pretty stubborn people and had a very similar mindset. Then on a random drunken night Johnny suggested that you and Yuta needed to release your anger in bed and the next day you’d be best friends. Yuta was pretty adamant on the idea and not only did you hook up once, it became this ongoing hell of fighting, building up your anger and releasing it during mind blowing sex.

Neither of you questioned the abnormality of your relationship. Rather, you ignored the red flags and the toxicity of it all and just assumed attraction only happened through liquor, high sexual needs and boredom.

“Hey y/n sorry about snapping like that earlier” Doyoung stepped into your cubicle, his gummy smile showing as he nervously scratched his head.  “It’s no problem, I’m sorry about my stupid comment” you pressed your lips together feeling a tad guilty that it all started because of you.

“You guys really love riling each other up don’t you?” Doyoung took a seat opposite you which was a bit unnatural for anyone who walked by. Doyoung was a very reserved person and never bothered to converse with any of you besides Taeyong. Unlike the rest of you Doyoung was recruited to handle finances and foresee the operation. He appreciated the arts but never delved in it, hence his awkwardness with the openness and unhinged personalities of the group.

“I get that it can be...exhausting” you sighed, propping your elbows up on the counter and pouting.

“Then why do you continue ?” Doyoung quizzed and you shrugged, “stress relief ?”

Doyoung chuckled at your words and pushed his spectacles up his bridge, “you guys are the ones stressing each other out,” Doyoung turned back to look at Yuta who was busy sketching and turned back to face you,

“All I’m saying is that maybe it’s time to look for a stress reliever that doesn’t result in anger the very next day, you guys need to move on.”

Move on.

Doyoung’s words swam in your mind hours after the short conversation had ended and you wondered if it was indeed time to move on. You looked up from your desk and to your surprise Yuta’s eyes were locked with yours as he twirled a lollipop in his mouth.

The issue was, as much as you hated him you couldn’t deny he was so goddamn hot. From the long hair to the edgy attire, physically he was your type. Personality on the other hand, it was like nails against a chalkboard.

Unbearable.

You kept your eyes locked with him until he slowly pulled the sweet out of his mouth, licked his lips and blew you a cheeky kiss from across the room.

“Moron” you mumbled and shook your head trying to ignore his devilish motives and get back to work.

Doyoung was right. You definitely needed to find someone to distract yourself from Yuta’s hold over you.

———————————————————————-

It was the night of the launch and everybody showed up with their own rides and  began mingling with former clients and partners. You arrived with Ten and Lucas who already decided to pre-game drinks just in case ‘there wasn’t enough at the party.’

“Hey please do us a favor and not hook up with Yuta tonight” Ten wrapped his arm around your shoulder as the two of you maneuvered through the groups of people. “Not planning on it” you replied in his ear, “and besides Doyoung already beat you to that pep talk.”

“Doyoung ?” Ten wrinkled his nose before ordering the two of you a mojito from the open bar.

“Yeah he said that I should move on, possibly find a new hookup” you shrugged, retrieving the drink and headed to a balcony that overlooked the first floor of the launch party. There were bodies of people everywhere, networking, checking out merchandise or just getting plain wasted.

“Seems like Lucas has already been cut off from the open bar” Ten pointed out, watching the tall man try to push his way back to the bar but the bouncer refused him to do so.

“Let me go help him out, I'll catch up later” Ten sighed and gave you a pat on your shoulder, “and yeah find a new hookup, if Yuta gets to sleep around so can you.”

You watched Ten disappear into the crowd and twirled the glass in your hand wishing what he had said was that easy.

There were no rules about hooking up with other people or just any reinforcements in general when it came to you and Yuta. But you we’re well aware of his loose sex life. There were many times where Yuta ended up going home with some random person if he wasn’t in the mood to hook up with you. But You on the other hand, never bothered these days because you were either too busy or whoever you met just ended up boring you to death.

“Y/n ?” You heard someone say from behind you and to your surprise it was a face you hadn’t seen in years.

“Jeno ? Oh my God” you quickly gave the blonde boy a quick hug, taken back by how much he had filled out since high school.

Jeno used to help you out from time to time during proms and fashion shows, lending out his strength to build anything from sculptures to installation art in the city.

“I was wondering when I was going to bump into you at one of these shows” his bright smile turned his eyes into crescents as he joined you at the balustrade. The Jeno you knew in high school was a lanky shy kinda guy but the Jeno you saw now was confident, mature and outright gorgeous.

“I’m quite surprised seeing you here actually” you chuckled shyly, “I didn’t know you’d pursue anything in this field to be honest.”

“Wow” Jeno mouthed and cutely grinned, “hmm that kinda hurt considering I’m the one who made the centerpiece of this entire launch”

Your eyes widened as you looked down at the structure of colored sharpies bound together to create a giant rubix cube in the middle of the party. “Holy shit that’s awesome my boss would absolutely love you” you gasped, knowing Taeyong absolutely loved installation art especially at a large scale like this.

“Oh who’s your boss ? I’m actually a free agent right now” Jeno replied and you quickly remembered the reason you were even at the launch in the first place. “Wait! We’re looking for recruits right now, let me just tell the others about it” you said excitedly, handing Jeno your drink and pulled up the group chat on your phone.

A few minutes later everyone confirmed the meeting place of a private room located on the second floor, quiet enough for a quick interview and decision. The best part of this job was everyone was so connected that there was no need to go through the process of a full portfolio look and a million interviews, all you needed was a trusted ally within the group to vouch for you and you were already one foot in.

“Ten and Yangyang took Lucas home after he tried to challenge the bartender to an arm wrestling match” Johnny entered the room and sipped his whiskey while Renjun and Sungchan followed close behind him. Taeyong and Doyoung stood in front of the room discussing something amongst themselves while you and Jeno took a seat on the burgundy couch.

Yuta entered shortly after, drink in hand and you noticed his eyes narrow in on Jeno who sat close to you. “Okay everyone who’s able to make it is here let’s get started” Taeyong clasped his hands together, “everybody this is Jeno Lee and a long time friend of y/n.”

“Not that long but yeah we did work together” Jeno chuckled and got to his feet, “well I’m an installation artist, I actually made the centerpiece in tonight’s launch.”

“Wow, it's amazing!” Renjun complimented and Sungchan agreed, giving Jeno a thumbs up, “yeah man that piece is brilliant.”

Jeno smiled from ear to ear as the meeting proceeded with everyone going through a few of Jenos works and what he could bring to the team. While your teammates concentrated on Jenos work all you could concentrate on was Jeno himself.

You wondered if Jeno knew how gorgeous he was in his effortless tank top and denim jeans combo. You hoped no one caught you staring but someone was well aware of your actions.

Yuta watched how you looked at the young guy, he wasn’t stupid, he knew when you found someone attractive and the way you were ogling Jeno right now, he didn’t like it at all.

The meeting ended and everyone welcomed Jeno to the collective. Johnny gave him a few pointers on which coffee to order from the cafe next to the office and Sungchan exchanged gamer tags with his new friend.

“I’ll see you guys on Monday” you waved as everyone exited the meeting and before you could make your way to catch up with Jeno and Sungchan you were being pulled back into the room.

“Your place or mine ?” Yuta mused and snaked an arm around your waist, looking down at you with dark eyes.

“Neither” you responded, “I’m gonna hang with Jeno and head home, you should find that little damsel to play with”

“Don’t be difficult y/n we're long overdue for our therapy session now” he groaned, pressing his lips to your ear and jaw. As much as he aroused you by just breathing you thought about what Doyoung had said, you needed to move on from this mess.

“Listen I think we need to just stop our sessions” you stepped away from him leaving Yuta slightly taken back from your actions, “let’s move on, be out of each other’s way and not make the group uncomfortable okay ?”

Yuta watched you press your lips together and finally make your exit, leaving him completely alone. You denied his advances for the first time since the two of you started sleeping together and something in him broke.

————————————————————————

Monday came around and the whole team buzzed about Jeno joining the team. Usually a new recruit would hang downstairs with the part time designers but because Taeyong trusted your judgement on Jeno, he was able to integrate with the team.

“Man that Jeno guy seems real chill” Yangyang hopped alongside Johnny and Yuta who were doing the morning coffee run. Yuta kept his composure despite knowing he wasn’t a huge fan of someone new joining the team and throwing off the dynamic. Hands in his pocket he ignored Yangyangs endless questions about the meeting, allowing Johnny to entertain the eager young boy.

“All I know is that having Jeno around means I don’t have to do all the carrying when Lucas bails on me” Johnny sipped his drink as they made their way back to their office. To their surprise Jeno had just arrived, looking like a lost puppy as he examined the names of the floors next to the secretary desk.

“Speak of the devil” Johnny threw his arm around Jeno, startling the boy and led him over to the elevator, “we’re at the top floor newbie, make sure to get an access card from Taeyong.”

“T-thanks” Jeno grinned and bowed politely to both Yuta and Yangyang before stepping into the elevator. The other guys barely bothered with Yuta’s reaction to Jeno because he rarely liked anyone enough to show any sign of enthusiasm. Jeno wasn’t going to change that.

The elevator opened to the top floor and Jeno awed at the chilled atmosphere you all had created here. From Ten’s thousands of plants around the room, Taeyongs fish, a pool table brought in by Lucas and gaming stations set up by Sungchan, it looked like paradise.

“This....is so cool oh my God” Jeno stepped in, his eyes wandering all over the place until it locked on you hanging over at the fish tank with Taeyong.

“Y/n!” Jeno jogged over and you greeted him with a wide smile and a tight hug, “Jeno you made it!” You gleamed. Jeno quickly shook Taeyong’s hand unsure of how formal of a boss he actually was.

“Whoa I feel like a principal” Taeyong giggled as he dropped a few fish flakes for his babies. “Wow, does everybody have their own cubicle ?” Jeno strolled around the room taking a peak at the vast versions of decor each cubicle adorned.

“Yeah” you responded, “but I don’t think yours is ready yet right Doyoung ?”

“That’s right,” Doyoung replied and folded his arms across his chest, “you don’t mind sharing for the week do you ?”

Jeno shrugged and looked over at you, “I was hoping to catch up with y/n anyway, I don’t mind sharing if it’s okay with you ?”

“It’s perfectly fine” you assured him and gestured over to your cubicle, “me casa is su casa.”

“I’m just gonna need some admin stuff sorted Jeno can you join me for a bit ?” Doyoung asked and Jeno nodded, giving you a quick hug before heading off to the administration offices with Doyoung. You watched the blonde guy exit and something just felt so much brighter in the office. You felt a sense of excitement of what’s to come now that Jeno was back in your life. But like all sunny days there always comes a thunderstorm and yours was staring you down like he was waiting to rain on your parade.

“What ?” You blinked, and Yuta shrugged as he peeked into your cubicle. “It’s a bit small isn’t it ? Don’t think two people can work in here” he raised his brow and looked over at you.

“It’s fine” you sighed and pushed past him, “it’s only for a week and he’s not a stranger to me, why do you care ?”

“I don’t” Yuta mumbled, dragging his feet back to his cubicle leaving you questioning his slightly odd behavior. Your mind quickly snapped out of it when Jeno had made his way back, that bright smile spread across his face and suddenly it felt like sunshine filled the room once more.

“I’m back!” He sang and pulled a chair opposite you, retrieving his laptop already looking like a regular in the office.

“Did Doyoung tell you about tonight ? Our little welcoming party over at Kleo’s Sky Bar ?” You asked, skimming through your emails for the day. “Oh, yeah he did, I mean you guys don’t have to do all of this” Jeno chuckled shyly, those pretty eyes distracting you for the third time that day.

“Nah we do it for everyone, and it’s better you know everyone drunk to avoid future surprises” you pointed over to Lucas who was coaching Yangyang through a trick shot at the pool table.  “Gotcha” Jeno nodded, as he watched one of the balls fly off the table and nearly knock Renjun in the back. It was chaos absolutely everyday in the office and you knew Jeno was going to love it here.

But even with Jeno in front of you, your new distraction, your new beginning, like Doyoung and Ten had said you needed, it was a habit at this point to look across the room, wondering what Yuta was up to. You watched him remove his cardigan, exposing his arms in those loose tank tops he always loved to wear as he concentrated on a sketch in front of him. Thankfully he was fully immersed in his work for once to take notice of your eyes on him. You continued observing him, watching him nod along to probably some alternative song blaring in his headphones as he sketched away on his iPad. He was so effortlessly attractive when he wasn’t aware of it.

You needed to snap out of this daydream.

“So are you seeing anyone these days ?”

“Hmm ?”

Jeno laughed as you finally realized that he’d been talking to you and you mentally cursed yourself for even being distracted by Yuta of all people.

“I’m sorry..Uhm no I’m not seeing anyone” you replied, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear and Jeno nodded cutely, “uh good...uhm not good that you’re alone but I was hoping you weren’t...God I’m still so bad at this”

You felt your cheeks heat up seeing Jeno fumble over his words and get nervous about asking you such a question. He was so adorable and something in you also wondered if he was like this in a relationship, or in the bedroom.

Was he dominant ? Was he passive ? Yuta was very dominant and you’d even rile him up to the point of him making you shut up with his actions.

“Y/n ?” Jeno waved his hand in front of your face and you shook your head, you couldn’t believe you did it again. What the hell was wrong with you ?

“Oh my God Jeno I'm so sorry...these emails are just a pain in the ass” you lied but thankfully Jeno took the bait and nodded, “it’s okay I’ll let you get back to work, I was going to go down to the cafe, do you want anything ?”

“Yeah a cafe latte would be great thank you” You felt guilty but it was still only two days since you decided to cut off Yuta so adjusting was going to take a bit of time.

Jeno had left for the cafe and you quickly dove straight into your work, hoping the time would just fly by. That was until you heard a knock and watched Yuta saunter into your cubicle and take a seat right in front of you. You watched him prop his elbows on the table and his piercing eyes narrowed down on you as if he were waiting for an answer.

“Why are you here ?” You questioned him, doing your best to divert your attention from his chiseled arms and exposed chest.

“I want an explanation,” Yuta said calmly, his voice deep and monotone.

“To what ?” You knew fully well what he was talking about but you were really  not in the mood to talk to him about this.  Yuta sighed and cocked his head to the side, clearly annoyed by your response. “Why the fuck are we calling it quits when we are nothing to each other ? Can’t we just hook up and ignore each other as usual ?” You sensed the annoyance in his voice. Denying him that night was indeed eating him up since you’ve never done it before.

“Yuta that’s the whole point” you rubbed your temples, “if we are nothing to each other then we shouldn’t be hooking up, it just ties us together for absolutely no reason.”

Yuta stayed quiet for a bit and eventually just nodded, “fine do whatever you want I guess.” You watched him walk out, not bothering to give you a second look and you wondered if the unsettling feeling you were experiencing in this moment was how he felt two days ago.

Nothing made sense.

————————————————————————

The evening arrived and everyone was in good spirits because you were all headed to one of your favourite spots in town. “Lucas you gotta do karaoke tonight” Sungchan threw his arm around the large brown haired man as they entered the bar. “Hmm give me a few rounds of drinks first” Lucas stuck out his tongue as he gestured to the waitress to get the gang the usual table.

Thankfully tonight the bar was fairly empty which meant that the gang could really loosen up without the prying eyes of strangers wishing you’d all just leave.

“Wow this place is pretty cool” Jeno gleamed, allowing you to enter the booth first like a true gentleman before scooting right in next to you. Yuta opted for the seat at the very end as usual, so he could sneak off to smoke without bothering any of friends every couple of minutes. The position also gave him a clear view of you and Jeno who were snuggled up in the corner already lost in your own private conversation.

“Beer ?” Johnny nudged Yuta, snapping him out of his fixation. Yuta nodded and slumped back in his seat trying his best to focus on whatever Renjun and Yangyang were talking about. It’s not like him to feel this way. Usually by now he’d be seated next to you, annoying the shit out of you until he saw those pretty eyes glare at him with rage. Then after you’d have a few drinks you’d be leaning on his shoulder, playing with his rings until he offered to take you home, and then-

“To Jeno!” Lucas yelled, lifting up a shot glass of God knows what and rallied everyone to join in on his toast.

“To Jeno” you grinned leaning into Jeno’s side and clinked glasses with him. Jeno felt warm, comforting, he made it so easy for you to just enjoy having him around rather than it being a task. That’s what a healthy relationship was like wasn’t it ?

“Jeno Im glad and also sorry that you have to join the most annoying group of people ever” Doyoung half smiled and Taeyong waved his hand, “we’re not that annoying Jeno I promise” the pink haired boy reassured him despite Renjun and Ten agreeing with Doyoung’s words. Jeno just laughed it off and turned to you with a bright smile as he draped his arm over your shoulder,

“Kinda feels like fate that I bumped into you huh?”

You know he may have been joking but Jeno was really unaware that his presence really was the antidote to getting rid of the Yuta situation. The team loved him, he was someone you knew and could trust, it was all right there for you, written on paper. Nothing could possibly go wrong… right ?  

“Fourth round is on me” Taeyong held up his card to the waitress despite his tired eyes were quite evident. Everyone was well over tipsy and Lucas had already entertained the bar with his beautiful rendition of “Starboy” by The Weeknd and Johnny stepped in as his air guitar player in the back.

“Gotta go to the bathroom!” You whined while Jeno helped you to your feet as you pushed your way past a sleeping Renjun and a spaced out Sungchan. You could tell tonight was going to take a toll on everyone tomorrow morning.

You quickly exited to the back where the bathrooms were located. You walked down the dim hallway, mentally thanking yourself for not overdoing it with the alcohol as each step became darker and darker.

“Watch your step” someone said and you turned around to see Yuta leaning over a railing with a cigarette sticking out of his mouth.

“Yeah” you managed to say and entered the bathroom before he could say anything else. The lack of alcohol didn’t stop the intrusive thoughts of Yuta filling your mind as you stopped to wash your hands. All you could think about was if he was going to be there when you walked back. Was he going to say anything ? Was he going to do anything ?

Were you going to do anything ?

You stepped outside, head a little more muddled than when you walked in and your first question was answered, Yuta was still there leaning up against the wall looking ahead of him. You slowly began your journey back, keeping your head down to avoid any type of confrontation with him.

“Y/n….” He mumbled, reaching out until he had a grip on your wrist causing your eyes to look up at him. Why did he look so goddamn breathtaking right now, with his stupid black hair all messy and his eyes luring you in like a lion to it’s prey.

“W-what ?” You replied, unsure why you still allowed him to hold you or even have the nerve to stop you from getting back to the rest of your friends. Yuta pushed himself off the wall and turned your body so you were now pressed against the concrete and his body was pressed against you. Your breathing hitched as he ran his fingers lightly down your arms. His eyes concentrated on his movements while yours focused on his face, watching him bite down on his lip as he took in the position the two of you were now in.

“You remember a few weeks back and I had you up against this wall moaning my name ?” His voice was so low that it aroused you, making you mentally curse yourself for the lewd thoughts.

“Yuta…” you sighed but there was a hint of desperation in your voice surprising yourself but not really phasing Yuta at all.

“Yeah just like that” he hummed before pressing his lips to your jaw, and peppered kisses all the way down to your neck. You felt yourself willingly giving him access, melting into every kiss he placed on your warm skin. Yuta’s hands grabbed your waist and pinned you against the wall while your hands instinctively wrapped around his neck and into the soft tufts of his hair.

“Yuta…we shouldn’t…I shouldn’t” you breathed, feeling yourself pulling him closer instead of pushing him away.

“Tell me no and I’ll stop y/n '' Yuta said into your ear to which you responded by pulling him by his belt buckle and pushed yourself up to capture his lips. Yuta’s dominance finally showed when he slipped his leg in between yours, giving you the chance to gain a bit of friction your core so desperately desired at this point. You felt Yuta’s smirk in your kiss when you began grinding down on his thigh showing him the obedient whore you were for him. Nothing Yuta loved more was for you to beg for him, beg for his touch, need him. That was until the two of you heard footsteps and to your dismay it was the last person you’d ever want to see you trapped against a wall with the man you hated.

It was Lee Jeno.

“I’m sorry I - I’m sorry I’ll leave you guys alone-“ Jeno stumbled, he felt his cheeks heat up and made his quick exit out of the hallway.

“Jeno!” You called, pushing Yuta off and tried to neaten yourself. Yuta felt a heated sensation overcoming his body the moment he saw the look in your eye when you saw Jeno and the way you pushed him off like he was a piece of trash. Like he was nothing.

“You know maybe if you’d stop pretending like you don’t wanna fuck me then we can go back to normal” Yuta spat, not caring about the unfortunate situation that had just unfolded.

You turned around to face him and the next words that came out of your mouth you weren’t sure if you were going to regret it or not.

“You’re right Yuta that’s all you are to me and that’s all you ever will be, a good fuck for about an hour and that’s it. Other than that there’s no use for you. At all.”

You stormed away before Yuta could respond, but by now you would have heard his curses echoing throughout the hallway, the whole damn bar would’ve heard it. But there was nothing.

Absolute silence.

———————————————————————

It had been two weeks since the interaction with Yuta at the bar and what you had to him still resonated with you, wanting so badly to apologize. But each time you saw him at the office he paid you little to no attention, going on about his day peacefully and you didn’t want to interrupt that.

Jeno thankfully understood the situation and was more than willing to be the rebound guy, his only rule being that besides work related matters you needed to cut off communication with Yuta altogether.

‘It was the only way you’d get full closure and my mind would be at peace’ Jeno had said after you gave him the rundown of everything that had happened.

Jeno and you agreed to just casually date, nothing official and nothing too serious. You guys went on movie dates, cafe dates and kept the physical aspect to a minimum. It was simple. Laidback. A very normal form of dating.

“Y/n I’m gonna need you on a photo shoot set in a few hours” Taeyong peeped his head into your cubicle and you looked up at him with a frown, “I thought we were working on that rappers record party ?”

“Yeah that rapper wants you, Yangyang and Yuta to tag up the wall for a video segment of his photo shoot” Taeyong replied with a shrug and left you bewildered.

Yuta. From all the damn people he could’ve chosen you had to work beside the person who practically called trash in your last meeting.

Great.

You wrapped up the last of your work and headed downstairs to the parking lot where an Uber was waiting for you. Thankfully Yangyang  could talk anyone’s head off because just sitting next to Yuta during the car ride felt tense. Normally he’d be pushing you into Yangyang or commenting on how his tattoos were better than yours. But all he did was look out of the window watching as the buildings moved past, keeping his airpods in to avoid any type of communication with anyone.

“You guys are finally here! Good Mark Lee is waiting for you at the shoot location” a woman dressed in all black led you into what looked like a gymnasium turned into a giant canvas.

“Are we going to paint all of this ? Man this is going to take forever” Yangyang gasped as the three of you walked through cans of paint, staff members and models.

“You guys are the designers from black space who did that painting over at Jynx Club ?” A young guy approached who you quickly realized was the new hot rapper around town, Mark Lee.

“Uh yeah, that’s us” you chuckled shyly and looked around, “are we really doing up the entire room ?”

“Oh hell nah just the backdrop behind me” Mark waved his hand, “we just laid everything out for a few cgi effects but you guys, do ya thing over there!” You watched the hyped boy get called over by the director leaving the three of you faced with a gigantic piece of white board and no idea.

“Since you guys are uncultured and probably don’t listen to Mark Lee, let me be in charge of this piece” Yangyang pulled out his iPad and began scrolling through some of his sketches. “Be my guest” Yuta shrugged, completely disinterested in the topic and most likely just wanted to get done and go home.

Yangyang finally settled on something that utilized all three of your styles and you all put  on your white overalls, immediately getting to work.

The vibe of the whole job was quite chilled and because of the fumes most of the staff had left the gymnasium leaving the three of you to work in peace. “God I need to pee so bad,” Yangyang groaned as he dangled from a ladder, an aerosol can in hand and a nearly completed section in his corner.

“Dude take a break we’re way behind you anyway” you walked over to steady the ladder as Yangyang finally made his way down. “Thanks guys, be back in 20” he shot you a thumbs up and disappeared into the tunnel leading to the gym lockers.

The tension returned but it was somehow worse than ever before. Even though Yuta was minding his own business for the first time while retrieving a paintbrush he looked at you. There was no unsettling glare or the feeling that he was pissed off at you, he just looked at you like he’d look at anyone else.

And somehow that felt even worse.

“Yuta…do you mind if we talk for a bit” you cleared your throat and he looked over at you and removed one of his airpods signaling to you that he was listening.

“Okay Uhm well I want to apologize for what I said that night” you bit down on your lip, “I didn’t mean it, and it was selfish of me to even think of you like that after coming onto you in the first place.”

Yuta blinked and eventually just nodded, “apology accepted, and I can see that you like Jeno so I’m trying to stay out of the way” he shrugged and continued painting as if this conversation wasn’t that deep to begin with.

“Are you not going to get me back? Are you sure you’re Yuta ?” You raised a brow and Yuta’s manic laugh echoed throughout the gymnasium, “you want me to be mean to you ? Wow y/n that’s truly some kink you got there”

“Ugh you know what I mean” you shoved him playfully, unaware that the brush you were wearing was still wet and now Yuta’s jaw adorned a light shade of orange.

“Oh shit I’m sorry” you quickly said but Yuta had already responded by swiping his red painted fingertips across your cheek and smirked, “now we’re even.”

“Hey mine is way worse than yours!” You grumbled and flicked more paint at Yuta which then enabled a paint war between the two of you. Yuta giggled so much that for a second you forgot how silent he actually had been the past two weeks. He was back to his usual self and so were you, playfully making a mess with him until Yangyang emerged from the tunnel and yelled,  “What are you morons doing ?!”

You and Yuta stood still in the middle of the room both covered head to toe in paint but the scene was way too comical to hold in your laughter any longer.

“Yangyang we’re so sorry but look, it gave the canvas a little more color” you gestured to it and you weren’t lying, it actually did look a lot better than before.

“Fine you two can go on break, I'll finish up so we’re not sitting around until midnight” Yangyang huffed and returned to his masterpiece. “Is there a place to clean up here ?” Yuta asked and the woman from earlier on walked in and pointed to the tunnel located in the back of the gym, “there are bathrooms and showers back there, our crew provided fresh towels as well so go ahead” she smiled and you silently thanked her before heading to the tunnel with Yuta.

“God I have paint everywhere” you whined as you took a look at yourself in the mirror. Yuta chuckled as he began inspecting himself, looking at the peculiar fingerprints all over his face and neck. “This shit better not stain my skin” he grumbled as he picked away a piece of paint from a crevice in his ear.  “Tell me about it” you responded and began removing the overalls. All you could think of was jumping into that shower stall and allowing the hot water to melt away all the grime and paint when you noticed Yuta was already down to his boxers.

Your gasp made Yuta snicker to himself as he walked around the bathroom looking for the ideal stall to take his shower in.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before” you heard him say before hopping into one of the stalls and drawing the curtain. Despite his words being correct it still made your cheeks heat up with embarrassment. You guys were comfortable like this before, not now, not with Jeno in your life.

You shook your head and entered a stall opposite Yuta and a few rows down, just so you weren’t close to him but not far enough that made you feel alone.

“Fuck how is their paint on my ass ? That’s impossible!” Yuta groaned and you couldn’t help but laugh, “TMI, Yuta” you replied and Yuta scoffed, “says the person who’s responsible for this.” The banter ended and again all you heard was the sound of both showers hitting your bodies simultaneously, the air filled with steam and more unusual tension.

“Y/n ?”

“Yeah?”

Yuta was silent for a while and then you heard his water turn off. “Do you uhm mind checking if I got all the paint off my back ? I’ll uhm put my boxers on” he mumbled and you felt your heartbeat speed up.

First of all the Yuta you knew would’ve just walked over butt ass naked and pulled your curtain aside not caring at all. The way he acted now was out of character, but somewhat familiar.

“Yuta I’m still in the shower and naked” you chewed on the inside of your cheek while you waited in silence.

“I’ll close my eyes, I just don’t want this shit to dry up when we get back to work later” he replied and you heard his light footsteps coming toward you. Quickly moving your hair back and holding the curtain against your body, you slowly peeled back the material to reveal Yuta with his back facing you and with his eyes closed, like he said.

You peered down at his golden skin, taking in his broad shoulders and tiny waist as you inspected for any more signs of acrylic paint.

“Uhm yeah you have a little on your shoulder blade and lower back”

“Do…you mind…”

You bit down on your lip knowing this was already crossing the line. But you had just made up and it was your fault that he had paint on his back in the first place. It was innocent. That’s what you had to keep telling yourself while staring at one of the sexiest people you had ever met.

You began rubbing away pieces of the paint, ignoring Yuta’s whines when you used too much pressure. Your hands traced down to his lower back, settling in the dip as you tried to remove a very stubborn piece of paint.

“Ugh this one is not coming off” you scratched at it and to your surprise Yuta had let out a moan instead of the usual wincing.

“I don’t mean to kink shame but-“

Yuta spun around and glared at you, challenging you to finish your sentence but you were more concerned at the fact that the only thing protecting your nude body from Yuta right now was a thin piece of fabric.

“Yuta!” You scolded and he rolled his eyes, “oh please y/n I’ve seen it all, now can you please help me with the paint ?”

You watched wide eyed as Yuta stepped into the shower going back on his word to close his eyes and face the wall. You couldn’t believe what was happening right now but the quicker you removed the paint the quicker he’d be out of here.

“Aren’t your boxers…going to get wet ?” You watched him step closer to water already allowing his hair to soak up the warm stream. “Well you’re not gonna let me take them off with you in here and I’ll probably just go commando when we get back to the office” Yuta shrugged and you should’ve known that was one of his options since he has done it in the past.

You sighed and let go of the curtain allowing your naked body to be free and go back to work on his paint splatter. Yuta was calm and collected throughout the process, you silently commended him on his restraint, that was until he decided to turn around and look at you.

“Y-Yuta you promised” your voice was small but you still didn’t do much to cover up your body. Yuta leaned against the cold ceramic wall as he stared at you, his stare was dark, inviting you in like that night at the bar.

“I’m not going to do anything y/n unless you want me to” he reassured you, still maintaining a distance and doing absolutely nothing to persuade you. But did you need persuasion when all he needed to do was be in the same room as you?

The two of you stared in each other’s eyes for a few minutes and you had no idea who actually made the first move but there you were in the center of the shower stall, in a random gymnasium, kissing Yuta Nakamoto.

Yuta’s bare body was pressed against yours as the two of you fought for dominance in the kiss. You placed your hands on his chest to which he responded by wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you closer until his hardened member twitched against your stomach. There were no words, just actions. Each kiss only made you more desperate for him, not feeling this type of arousal since that night at the bar. He was the only person who could turn you on to the point that every image of Jeno was erased from your mind.

You tugged down his boxers with urgency and Yuta helped you quicken the process, quickly kicking away the piece of clothing and had you pushed up against the wall with your legs wrapped around his waist. Yuta pulled away from your lips with a sultry bite on your bottom lip and lined up his member with your core. He kept his eyes on you the entire time from the moment he slipped into your wetness to the harsh thrusts he was now giving to you against the coldness of the wall. You felt like you were complete, filled with the right amount of passion and ecstasy. God you hated to admit it but nobody could fuck you the way Yuta did. Absolutely no one.

Yuta slowed down his thrusts and you brought your feet back to the ground, gesturing for him to take a seat on the floor and got on top of his member once more. Yuta threw his head back as you rode him relentlessly, grabbing onto your ass as he tried to meet your rhythm. The sight of him partially under the water and his swollen lips was delicious, you couldn’t ask for a better view right now. Yuta on the hand was also enjoying having you bounce on his length, quickly realizing that the women he had bedded during his time without you were not worth it. Not a single one of them made him feel the way you did. Even the times you guys were fucking around he’d sleep with other women because he didn’t want to admit that you are his best. You will always be his best.

“G-gonna cum” you panted and Yuta quickly rubbed circles on your clit to help you reach your orgasm. He watched your body spasm and you threw your head back with a soft moan. The sight alone made him come undone straight after you, filling you up completely.

You slowly got to your feet with the help of Yuta offering his hand and managed to finally catch your breath.

What the fuck did you just do ?

“Before you say this was a mistake and you hate me, hear me out” Yuta spoke up, “I need to know something”

You bit down on your lip. “Yeah?”

“Do you like me ?”

“What ?” You quietly questioned and Yuta sighed, rubbing his temples, “do you like me y/n ? actually like me ? Or is it you just like fucking me ?”

“I don’t know Yuta you know that I’m seeing Je-“you began explaining before Yuta quickly cut you off. “Don’t say his name, listen I know you like fucking me because that’s what happened right now despite whatever feelings you have for…Jen..him.”

“So what am I supposed to do ?” You asked, still unsure of how you were even going to face Jeno back at the office after this.

“Use me,” Yuta deadpanned, “keep me as your dirty little secret and I won’t tell a soul. I just don’t want this to end. I’m fucking addicted to this, and clearly you’re in need of me just as much as I need you.”

Yuta took a step forward and cupped your cheek with the palm of his hand. “I just crave you all goddamn day and nothing is fulfilling that need until right now.”

You knew exactly what he was talking about but you couldn’t bring yourself to share how much you ached for him. Late nights when you were alone you even pleased yourself with memories of him. You were unsure if it was lust at this point or you actually missed being around him. Despite every fight and argument the two of you had, there was something always drawing you in.

“First of all I don’t hate you” you sighed and he chuckled dryly before you continued, “I don’t know if this is a good idea but I’m only agreeing because Jeno and I aren’t serious yet and if we are-“

“I’ll back off I promise” Yuta quickly added and you nodded, “he can’t know about this, nobody can.”

“You have my word” Yuta pressed his lips together and for the first time he looked absolutely serious. Something in you made you trust that he wouldn’t fuck this up, because that would mean the one thing he wanted most right now would fall through.

You just hoped that this little need the two of you had for each other wasn’t turning into an…obsession.

————————————————————————-

“You guys are finally back” Ten stretched his arms above his head as you, Yangyang and Yuta returned back to the office after quite an eventful afternoon.

“Wanna see pics ? It turned out great!” Yangyang grinned quickly, running over to the older guys, showing off his artwork. Jeno was over at the game area with Sungchan completely invested in beating his friend in a round of Call Of Duty.

“Hey you” you sunk into the beanbag next to Jeno who shot you a quick glance before concentrating on his next move, “your hairs wet, why ?”

“Showered after the painting session” you answered diligently hoping there were no follow up questions. Thankfully he was way too invested in his video game to care much, you really weren't in the mood for an interrogation after half a day with Yuta.

Jeno asked a lot of questions when he felt insecure about something. Even though time had been short with him, it still somehow felt like a 2 year relationship. For a young guy Jeno was pretty old fashioned, he made you pick all the date places and never bothered to make the first move physically until you hinted to him that it was okay.

He was so different to what you were used to and you were afraid that if you didn’t speed things up with him this little secret with Yuta would turn into a reality.

“Hey y/n can you help me with lunch ?” Doyoung called from the makeshift kitchen area a few feet away and you silently thanked him for distracting you from your thoughts.

“Hey Doyoung” you smiled as you began opening containers from the Chinese delivery you guys frequented. “Just wanted to check in with you” Doyoung sweetly said as he grabbed a few utensils, “you and Jeno huh ? Was that part of my advice ?”

You pressed your lips together and nodded. “Yeah I guess so, it also helps that I’ve known him for a while now and he did actually have a thing for me in high school” Doyoung cocked his head at your words and leaned in, “and you liked him back or you’re seeing something in him now that you didn’t see before ?”

“U-uhm I think he’s hot” you chewed on your lip and Doyoung chuckled softly, “you know not everything is about looks or…hooking up, do you enjoy his time ? His interests ? His company ?”

You turned back to where Jeno was still playing his video games and you did feel a little confused as to what you guys actually did have in common. “I mean…” you began, crossing your arms across your chest, “we’ve only been seeing each other romantically for two weeks I think it’s too soon to tell.”

Doyoung combed back his hair and instead of bringing forth his insight in order to make you see things clearer he just nodded.

“You’re probably right, well I wish you guys all the best, it’s better than being with someone who doesn’t care emotionally right ?”

You slowly nodded and with that Doyoung began taking the food to the dining area leaving you with more confusing thoughts than you had before.

Lunch and the rest of the evening went on smoothly. Yuta stayed out of your way and there was absolutely no sign that the two of you we’re together that day. It was easier to fake seeing Yuta since the group knew the two of you would’ve been bickering straight after hooking up. It was the perfect illusion.

“Mark Lee’s party is at 9pm tomorrow night you guys, don’t forget” Taeyong looked around the room until he heard a confirmation from every single mouth.

“9pm ? Shit would it be okay if I only stuck around for an hour ?” Jeno sighed and looked over at Taeyong, “my brothers in town and I promised I'd get him from the airport at 10:30.”

“Well you’d have to show one of the guys here how to turn the installation on” Doyoung’s worried look matched Taeyong.

“I’ll be there to turn it on I’ll just need to leave straight after” Jeno assured them and squeezed your hand under the table, “it’s all really sudden but you’ll be okay right ?”

“I’ll be fine, I’m probably going to head home after the music video airing anyway” you smiled at him and he placed a soft kiss on your forehead earning a whistle from Lucas.

Yuta awkwardly shuffled at the sudden PDA and he hoped no one at the table noticed but it caught the attention of none other than Johnny Suh who narrowed his eyes at his coffee run mate.

The evening had wrapped up and everyone had already headed home except for Yuta and Johnny who were adamant on finishing a photography project for a band they were working with.

“Trouble in paradise ?” Johnny hummed as he edited an image on his laptop. Yuta, who was busy sorting out the Polaroids, turned to face his large best friend with a lost expression.

“Huh?” He raised a brow to which Johnny shook his head still staring at his screen.

“I can’t believe this, after all these fucking hellish months now you realize you like her?”

Yuta leaned in on the desk. “What the heck are you on about Johnny ?”

“Y/n” Johnny sighed and your name made Yuta’s heart race a bit, hoping Johnny hadn’t found out about the shower incident. God you’d hate him forever if anyone found out.

“Listen Johnny we-“

“You like her! After all those months of fighting I knew you were secretly in love and now” Johnny threw his hands in the air, “now that Jeno has entered the arena you have ruined your chances. Way to go buddy.”

“Wait what ?! I’m not in love with y/n!” Yuta scoffed. Saying that sentence out loud felt like a lie even though he couldn’t fully convince himself.  Was he in love ? Was Johnny mistaking love for just lust ?

That’s all it was and ever was right ?

You enjoyed fucking around with him and he was okay with it. That’s what he wanted too. Even if you didn’t answer his question of whether you liked him or not, it was okay. Whatever you wanted was okay as long he got to be with you.

“I’m not in love with y/n.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Jeno arrived at the party with Yangyang and Sungchan all helping carry equipment for Jeno’s installation. The piece was a pixel art board that formed Mark Lee’s latest EP cover, and once plugged in it gave it an animated effect, basically bringing the EP cover to life. You marvelled at the hard work Jeno had put in, it was just a shame that he wasn't sticking around to receive praise from everyone who attended.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay here ? I know how much you hate these parties” Jeno pressed his lips together as he brought you into a tight hug. You hummed and looked up at him smiling, “Only been dragged to one of these parties a million times, another round won't hurt.” Jeno responded by pressing his lips to your forehead before joining Sungchan in setting up the installation. You always wondered why Jeno opted for your forehead instead of your lips most of the time despite already having your first real kiss. You understood he wasn't big on PDA, but the only time you ever got to kiss him was at your apartment door when a date had ended or when you sneaked in a kiss at the cinema. As much as you liked his chivalry, God at times you just wished he took initiative and bent you over your kitchen counter and had his way with you. It was kinda humorous how Jeno was the ideal type of any women out there but for you, you needed an unhinged, sex-crazed maniac to match your energy.

You needed Yu-

“It looks really good Jeno.” Your breathing hitched when you heard Yuta’s voice from behind you. You turned around but to your surprise he wasn't alone. Yuta was accompanied by a familiar face, Mei, a part-time designer from a few floors down. The way she held onto his arm made something stir inside of you. Your cheeks burned up and you dare say it for the first time you felt...jealous.

You were used to seeing Yuta with many different girls but it was always some nobody that he never bothered to introduce to the group. He always made sure none of them integrated with his work life but Mei, Mei was the first person you actually knew.

“y/n its been a while, Oh my God you look great” she said sweetly and you returned a friendly smile despite your awkwardness. Yuta gave you a quick glance not really paying you any mind as he kept a steady hand on Mei’s lower back, the two of them practically looking like a couple. It made you feel uneasy. After all he had said to you that afternoon in the shower, It seemed like he didn't mean it.

“It’s perfect Jeno you really outdid yourself” Taeyong applauded as the rest of the team finally arrived, all congratulating Jeno on his first big project under Blank Space. Jeno shyly thanked everyone and checked his watch, sighing that it was already time for him to depart.

“You're going now ?” You walked over to wrap your arms around his waist. You didn't care much before about Jeno leaving early, before Yuta decided to bring a date to the party which meant you would definitely be on your own. Jeno pouted and stroked your head, “yeah, we're still on for Sunday though right ?” and you replied with a nod before sinking into one of his very warm hugs. You had no idea why, but the need to ease your jealousy and get back at Yuta was so strong that you ended up pulling out of the hug and kissed Jeno in front of everyone. Thankfully Jeno didn't shy away and maybe the guilt of leaving you made him return the kiss, wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you against your body.

“Get a room you guys” Ten joked when the two of you finally pulled away, and Jeno chuckled shyly before leaning into your ear, “let’s do that more often” he cheekily smiled and pecked your lips once more before making his way to the exit. Johnny watched as Yuta still looked visibly uncomfortable, more so now than before. But Johnny also knew how damn stubborn Yuta was and watched him throw his arm around Mei, departing from the group most likely for the rest of the night.

It was late into the night and Yuta was already way too many shots down to call himself sober. Mei was talking but he was not listening. Mei was a nice girl who had made it known to him that she liked him for a while now, but unfortunately for her she was not you. All Yuta wanted was you and again he cursed himself for being so fucking hooked. He wanted to make you jealous but after he saw you kiss Jeno it just came back to him ten thousand times harder. He came to terms with his addiction now in his drunken state he was scanning the crowd for a glimpse of the only person he cared about.

You.

“Hey I'm going to leave now...do you want to come with ?” Mei nervously bit down on her lip hoping the man she's been pining for months will finally take notice of her.

“Nah im good, I’m probably going to wait until my friends leave” Yuta replied coldly, his eyes still scanning the crowd as he took another sip from his jack daniels and coca-cola concoction. Mei nodded, disappointed that her night had not gone as planned and left silently, leaving her date to finally gain his freedom.

Yuta scanned the crowd for the tenth time until he did a double take at a figure in the back corner, dancing on their own with no care in the world. Downing the rest of his drink Yuta kept his eyes focused on you despite the alcohol blurring his vision and his body feeling heavy, he had to get to you.

You were in the same state as him, most likely worse since Lucas challenged you to a drink off. You had no clue when you separated from the rest of the group so you stuck a little corner hoping to sober up before heading home. As you swayed along to the music you felt someone wrap their hands around your waist and the familiar scent of that Tom Ford perfume made you realize who it was.

“Yuta…” you groaned, pulling his hands away from your body, still remembering how awful he made you feel a few hours earlier. God were you the rebound chick now ? The thought alone was sickening.

Yuta, still blissfully unaware that you were mad at him, still pushed his body against yours until your back was pressed against the wall and you had no choice but to look up at him. You watched him move his face down in order to capture your lips, but you quickly evaded it with a turn of your head. Yuta scoffed and sufficed for your neck, giving you soft wet kisses all the way down to your collarbones until you pushed him off yet again.

“What the fuck ?” He growled in your ear, “I thought we had a deal.” You rolled your eyes at him, there was the side of Yuta you hated the most. You wondered how long it would be until he factory reseted back to an asshole.

“I thought I was first choice” you snapped at him, “all your talk about no one can satisfy you like I can, use me y/n, I only want you” you mimicked his voice and flipped him off with your finger. Yuta knew you were jealous but it was kind of ironic given the situation. You were the one in a relationship, not him. “Oh so I'm supposed to see you suck face with Jeno but I can't have any fun y/n ?” Yuta had you back against the wall, this time his hand was locked on your jaw with his lips against your ear.

“Maybe I should've fucked Mei” Yuta’s voice was dark, you felt him smirk against your ear when his words clearly affected you, “Maybe if I fucked her she would've been so good that i would forget all about you y/n.” Your eyes darted to him and he cocked his head, challenging you, waiting to see how much you could take before you caved. Normally you’d be the one getting Yuta riled up like this. It was common knowledge that Yuta was a very jealous person and just mentioning another man sexually he would lose his mind. Once you were craving his attention and casually mentioned to him that if Doyoung was interested you’d let him screw you on his office desk, and Yuta responded by fucking you senseless in the supply closet until the only name that escaped your lips was his.

But now the tables were turned and you didn't want to hear about Mei. You didn't want to picture her next to Yuta let alone in bed with him. It was selfish on your part considering Jeno, but you wanted Yuta all to yourself.

“Shut up” you narrowed your eyes at him and grabbed a fist full of his shirt and brought him closer. Yuta traced his thumb over your lips and smiled, already knowing he won this round.

“Tell me why I cant fuck her right now y/n, tell me” he coaxed, and you responded by pulling him into a sensual kiss, your tongue slipping into his mouth and your hand palming his member until you heard him groan in your ear,

You pulled away from the kiss and pressed your swollen lips to his ear, “Because...you're mine.” Yuta licked his own lips at your words and grabbed at your ass,

“Show me I'm yours, baby.”

You had no idea when and how the both of you got to Yuta’s apartment in one piece but the moment he had his foot in the door, Yuta was tugging your dress over your head. “Fuck why do you always wear the most  complicated things” Yuta whined which you found cute even though you would never let him know that you were well aware of his adorable side. Sighing from victory, Yuta finally got your dress off and pulled you into his familiar bedroom, which you honestly missed so fucking much.

Taking in the familiar scent of his perfume and his slightly messy room, with posters on the walls, and a rack of band shirts - it was his little heaven and you loved it.

You walked over to lie on his bed, sinking into the soft fabric of the bed sheets as a familiar rock song began playing from Yuta’s stereo. You watched him as he discarded his shirt and ripped jeans, showing off his chest tattoos and belly ring, just the sight of him was already making you wet. Yuta was none the better, groaning as his boner pushed against the fabric of his underwear as his eyes took in your body, sexily laid out for him like you used to be.

“Fuck…” his lips parted as he watched you spread your legs, waiting for him obediently. Yuta crawled up onto the bed and nestled in between your thighs, his mischievous eyes looking up at yours before he began peeling away the thin piece of fabric revealing your core.

“You're…so…wet baby” he said in a low voice and leaned in to give your heat a soft kiss. The instant contact made your body shiver, reaching down to play with his dark curls. “Yuta…please” you whined as he continued his light kisses, not giving you the pressure you desired. Yuta looked up with an innocent face and cocked his head, “Why should I do it ?” His fingers traced circles on your hips and abdomen, waiting for an answer.

“Because…you’re mine Yuta, I want you…all to myself…I want to please me, only me” you threw your head back. Not having sex for over a month was really getting to you and the frustration had you saying just about anything. Yuta watched you squirm and after hearing those words he figured it was a good enough reward for his dear fuck-buddy. Yuta kissed your core once more but this time his tongue darted out every once in a while, awarding you with a better sensation. You moaned inaudible words as he began eating you out like a pro, lapping away like his life depended on it before inserting two fingers inside you.

“Yuta wait I’m gonna-“ you grabbed onto his hair, feeling your orgasm come on way too early for your liking as his fingers moved rapidly and his tongue licked away at your clit. Yuta ignored your plea knowing this was only the first of many and honestly he was glad that he was still the only man giving you orgasms for the past couple of months.

Yuta pulled away, a devilish smirk spread across his face as he watched you cum all over his fingers and just as your vision was in focus you had the pleasure of seeing him lick his fingers clean as if he just had the most amazing meal ever,

“Mmmm tasty” he bit down on his lip and winked at you. God he was so damn cocky, and it didn’t take you long to recover from that orgasm to make room for another. You got to your knees and sat back, your face now level with Yuta’s clothed member.

Yuta groaned as you palmed him, his length already twitching against your touch. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone but since the night you had called it off with him, his desire had subsided and he wondered if you were the sole reason for his high sex drive. You placed your lips against his belly ring, giving it a kiss before pulling down his boxers and allowing his member to spring free. Yuta cursed as your tongue swiped across the tip and you looked up at him with those large eyes, and Yuta knew exactly what you were waiting for. Positioning your mouth over his tip, you waited until Yuta grabbed a fistful of your hair and guided you down on his length, groaning loudly as you took in all of him.

Yuta’s hips began to meet your rhythm and the grip on your hair tightened, the sudden roughness made you shiver with excitement. You and Yuta always liked it rough, since it took out your anger on each other and any type of nurturing or romance would throw off the dynamic.  

Yuta threw his head back as he released, keeping you on him until you swallowed every bit. He muttered curse words as he pulled out and watched you lick your lips, swiping the corner of your mouth with your thumb and sucked it off.

“Yum” you mimicked his words from earlier with a smirk essentially driving Yuta crazy with lust. You giggled as he pushed you onto the bed and attacked you with bites and kisses, leading from your neck down to the valley of your breasts. “How long until you get hard again?” You sighed playfully but winced when Yuta’s teeth sunk into your skin, punishing you for your words.

“Cocky aren’t we ?” He moved back up to your lips and kissed you passionately. Just as you began melting into the kiss, Yuta pulled away and jumped off his bed heading to his closet.

“What are you doing ?” You groaned as you watched him sift through the mess of his closet until he finally retrieved a familiar box. “Yuta you’re literally hard right now, come on let’s just fuck already” you whined, knowing that when Yuta brought out that box it was his way of getting rid of your bratty attitude.

“If you wanna be impatient two can play at that game” he grinned and hopped onto the bed, pulling out his favorite pair of hair cuffs and with ease, cuffed you to his headboard. You watched him look through his box of toys, rubbing your thighs together excited about what his choice will be.

Yuta grabbed something out of the box and discarded the rest onto the floor, making his way back up to your body and pressed his lips against your ear, “you remember the safe word baby ?” Yuta pecked you when you nodded and you watched him insert a mini vibrator in your core and roll off the bed with the remote in his hand.

“I wasn’t even that mean to you” you grumbled, still getting used to the device inserted in you. Yuta shrugged and turned the device on, keeping it on a low setting as he watched you stir in his bed.

“I’m not punishing you for that actually, I’m punishing you for something else you did” he said calmly, pacing around the room butt ass naked.  You frowned and thought back to the party when he had found you, what did you say to him ?

“I’m sorry I pushed you…away” you pouted but a moan escaped your lips when you felt the setting turn higher and you watched Yuta shake his head, “nope that’s not it.” You groaned and threw your head back, unable to even think what the hell he could be on about. Yuta would get mad at every little thing so it honestly could’ve been anything.

“Can’t I have a hint or something ?” You pleaded and Yuta raised his eyebrow and eventually sighed, giving in too easily. “It happened in the beginning at the party” he said annoyingly, and finally something in your brain clicked.

“The kiss ? You’re mad over the kiss ?” Your words fell off when you felt the vibrator go another setting higher, the new speed was decent enough to start building a second orgasm. “You don’t sound like you’re apologizing for it” Yuta scoffed and dangled the remote in front of your face, “this goes up 4 more speeds y/n.”

“Why do I need to apologize for kissing my boyfriend when-“

Another setting higher.

“Fuck wait Yuta” you breathed, it was impossible to even keep focused at the new speed and the sensation was now running throughout your entire body. “You kissed him in front of me to make me jealous didn't you?” Yuta questioned and you nodded frantically, pressing your thighs together to ease the intensity, “yes yes oh my God, I wanted to make you….jealous because you brought someone else…and..fuck” just as you felt your body finally build up a perfect orgasm the vibrator suddenly turned off and you were met with Yuta’s cocky smile.

“You like to have it all don’t you y/n” he hummed as flung the remote aside and knelt between your thighs that were shaking from the orgasm denial. “You want to fuck me, but not let me fuck anyone else, you want Jeno but you don’t want me to get mad over it” he continued as he pulled the dripping wet toy out of your core and tossed it to the floor. Yuta placed his hands on either side of you and looked down at your defeated face and smiled, “Do you want me to fuck someone else?”

You shook your head and Yuta undid one of the handcuffs. He pressed a soft kiss to your cheek and again asked you another question, “Do you want to fuck me ?” and you quickly nodded, earning your second hand free from the cuffs allowing them to fall to your sides. Yuta placed his hand around your throat and squeezed gently, smirking as you arched your back, thirsting for him so desperately.

“Who would fuck you better, me or Jeno ?” Yuta mused as his hand released a bit of pressure on your throat. “Y-you” your voice was small and Yuta released your throat and his hand moved down to smack your thigh.

“Say it, say who will fuck you better” he hissed.

“You Yuta, you will fuck me better than anyone…better than Jeno” Yuta grinned at your words, a little surprised that you used Jeno’s name in such a blasphemous way. He was in euphoria at this point. It was all he needed to hear after continuously seeing you and Jeno look as if you were in love with each other.

It was all wrong.

You and him loved each other.

Fuck. He loved you. He really did.

Yuta pushed his length into your core and groaned as the realization of his thoughts and his conversation with Johnny all hit him at once. The sight of you beneath him, moaning his name and your confession that you wanted him over Jeno. It was all too much.

You moaned as he thrusted into you, his hips violently hitting against yours as your nails dug into his lower back. The lewd sounds filled the room and for a second the two of you looked into each other’s eyes, both feeling something…different. Usually Yuta would be fucking you from behind, his favourite position because he loved looking at your ass but tonight especially after his sudden questioning, he took care of you differently.

You don’t know what came over you and it was yet another thing you never did during sex but you pulled him down to kiss you. Your lips moved passionately against his, desperately clinging to his body as his strokes became longer and more powerful. Yuta sighed into the kiss, palming your cheek and his movements suddenly became more gentle as if he were making love to you, not fucking you.

“Yuta…I’m close” you moaned into his ear, loving this new feeling of him on your body. Yuta hummed in response and quickened his pace, making sure to sneak in a kiss every now and then until he finally brought you to your long awaited orgasm. You watched him bite down on his lip as he thrusted into you, chasing his own orgasm until he pressed his against your ear and said the words you never thought you’d hear from him.

“I love you y/n”

Your body slightly froze as Yuta finally came and he rolled off your body, mentally cursing himself for allowing those words to escape his mouth at this moment. But it’s what he felt.

Johnny was right.

“W-what ?” You finally managed to say and turned to him. Yuta licked his lips and kept his focus on the ceiling above him.

“You heard me right” he said calmly and you felt your heart race. Where was this coming from ? He was the one who always implemented the no romance rule and he chooses now, the moment you’re seeing someone else to confess to you.

“I have to go” you murmured and jumped off the bed, starting to collect your clothes from the floor. You heard the bed creak and Yuta sat up and watched you dress up. “It’s late now y/n and you drank, stay the night and leave when the suns up” he insisted, eventually grabbing his own boxers,

“Here you can sleep in one of my shirts and you’re welcome to sleep in my bed for the night.”

“Y-you…that was one of the rules…no staying over” you were biting on your nails, everything that had happened in the last ten minutes made no sense. Yuta shoved the shirt into your hands and sighed, “Look, we don’t have to talk about what I said or what happened, just stay the night and you can go back to your perfect life with Jeno.” Yuta began making his way to his door when you grabbed onto his arm making him stop in his tracks,

“Where are you going ?” You asked him softly.

Yuta looked at you and sighed, “I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

“Yuta..”

“What ?”

“Stay with me.”

—-—————————————————————

You had no idea why you had told him to stay in bed with you considering all that had happened a few minutes ago. But here you were, curled into his chest listening to his heartbeat as he lightly stroked your hair.

“How…long ?” You broke the silence and felt his heartbeat slightly race, “The realization came recently but I’ve…always liked you y/n” Yuta responded softly.

“Well you don’t have a good way of showing it” you rolled your eyes and Yuta’s soft laughter filled the room. “Well at first you actually were annoying but I did find you cute” He replied and shifted until you were on your back looking up at him,

“You put up with me and we’re not afraid to fight back. You know it’s not even about the sex, I think we’ve always enjoyed each other’s company, we just have a weird way of showing it.” You listened to his words and did a bit of reflection for yourself. You were already well aware that he occupied your mind 24/7 and did not enjoy seeing him around other girls he would eventually sleep with. But was this…love ? You weren't so sure.

“Do you ever think it’s more of an addiction rather than…love ?” You looked up at him, hoping your words did not offend his sudden confession in any way. Yuta sighed and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling deep in thought.

“What is love then ?” He murmured, clearly by the look on his face he had been pondering on this question for a while now. You joined him in laying on your back and looked up at the ceiling, “love is when the other person completes you” you began, “when you’re having a dull day and just the sight of them could turn that around. Love is wanting to protect that person all the time, it’s just love.”

Yuta turned to you, “have you ever been in love ?”

You shook your head. “I don’t think so.”  Yuta shrugged and returned his focus above him, “whatever you just described is how I feel, but maybe I’m just still hung up on the Jeno situation.” You felt a pang in your chest as if you just completely destroyed his spirit. You always saw Yuta as a strong confident presence, yet the person next to you seemed lost, he looked broken. But deep down you knew that whatever he was describing had floated in your head from time to time, maybe it needed to be said out loud for you to finally realize.

“Give me a week”

“Huh ?” Yuta’s eyebrows raised at you.

“Give me a week to figure all of this out and we will have this talk again” you sat up and looked back at him. Yuta propped himself up on his elbows and shook his head, “y/n, if you don’t feel the same way it’s okay I won’t come in between you and…Jeno anymore.”

“Yuta”

“Hmm?”

You pulled the boy by his shirt until you were able to lock your lips with his, slipping your tongue into his mouth and he mimicked your actions before pulling away, a confused expression spreading across his face.

“I don’t know where this is going to go and whether we’re right for each other,” you chuckled dryly, “but I will always want you Yuta, you’re not coming between Jeno and I because the one who wants… .”

————————————————————————

It was finally Monday and you already regretted seeing Jeno at the office since you faked a terrible hangover to get out of the Sunday date, something that wasn’t entirely a lie. You spent the whole of Sunday laying in your bed thinking about the night you spent with Yuta and all that was shared during the morning.

You thought back on your own words about what your version of love was. Protecting someone. You reminisced about the days when Yuta got sick after a night out and you were the one to take care of him despite his protests. You thought back to when the two of you were working on a project, arguing as usual and you managed to slip on a wet paint spot, causing you to sprain your ankle. Yuta was the one to help you around the office when needed, he wasn’t appointed to you nor did he have to use up his own time to help you but he did it anyway.

When you were having a dull day the person you loved would find a way to brighten it up, just the sight of them was enough. There was an occasion where a client got real mean with you in the office, and hated the project you worked almost a month on, refusing to pay you for the labor you had put in. Yuta had seen the commotion and joined you in your booth and the two of you flooded the clients company with hilarious bad reviews anonymously until you were literally tearing up from laughter. That was one of the rare days the two of you didn’t get into an argument and the moment completely slipped your mind. You had  forgotten that Yuta and you actually shared fond memories of each other outside the bedroom.

You thought about every moment you got to the office and Yuta would be sticking his tongue out at you, calling you names and being a jerk as usual. But days when he had to work out of the office felt boring, empty, it wasn’t worth sitting in your cubicle without seeing him across from you.

But then after feeling the warm fuzziness of knowing Yuta felt the same way about you, your phone buzzed with Jeno’s name across the screen. Why were you doing this to him ? Why was Jeno in the crossfire when all he wanted to do was get to know you better ?

All you ever wanted was a distraction from the man you were scared to fall in love with.

“Heyyy you, you feeling okay ?” Jeno beamed when you entered the office, immediately bringing you into a tight hug and ending with a kiss on the cheek. You nodded and the sense of guilt over took your body as you looked up at his cheery smile.

“I heard you guys got so wasted at the party, damn I wish I stayed” Jeno giggled as the two of you walked hand in hand over to your cubicle. “Yeah it was…crazy” you faked a smile before settling in your seat. You looked across, a force of habit and you were greeted by a soft smile from Yuta before quietly returning to his work.

“I was thinking we should go see that new marvel movie tonight, what do you think ?” Jeno’s eyes were so bright and full of energy that everytime you looked into them it just made it harder to keep up your facade. “I’m pretty busy this week but hey Friday you can come over, I…need to talk to you anyway” you bit down on your lip and Jeno’s expression changed from excited to slightly wary, clearly noticing that something wasn’t quite right.

“Is….everything okay?” He asked in a staggered voice, and you slowly nodded and reached to squeeze his hand, “yeah let’s hang out on Friday okay ?” You smiled and Jeno pressed his lips together and nodded. You watched him exit your cubicle and all that was left in your view was the only person you wanted to see today, Yuta.

Yuta looked up and caught your stare, smiling softly as he rested his chin on the palm of his hand and winked at you. It was sweet and innocent, nothing like how he usually acted from across the room. You found yourself blushing and hid your face until you heard a beep come from your phone. Opening the messenger app you were greeted by a picture of yourself hiding your crimson cheeks with the message ‘Cute’ attached to it.

y/n: didn’t take you for a simp.

yutaa: fuck off, I have a folder like this.

You stifled your laughter when Yuta sent a screenshot with a folder just of you in your cubicle. From you flipping him off, to you glaring at him clearly pissed off at something he had said, and one of you trying your best to pay attention to whatever story Yangyang was on about.

y/n: oh my god you’re a BIG SIMP.

yutaa: maybe.

y/n: well I do have ONE of you that I don’t have the heart to delete.

yutaa: oh really ?

You sent Yuta a picture you absolutely treasured of him in your bed fast asleep hugging one of your plushies. It was one of the last nights you had with him before things got sour. Normally you’d never allow him to nap in your bed after a hookup but he looked so at peace and so adorable  that you decided to bend the rules a little.

yutaa: that was a good ass nap. yutaa: simp.

y/n: maybe.

The rest of the day went on and honestly you felt as if you were on cloud nine, chatting to Yuta like he was your high school crush. Smiling every time he texted back and glancing up every now and then, waiting for him to look at you with that cheeky grin. But as reality set in and Yuta’s smile faded, you were still dating another man. Who now had his arms wrapped around your waist peppering kisses all over your neck and shoulder while Yuta looked on, not being able to do a thing about it.

————————————————————————

The team decided to head out for dinner the next day, and something in Jeno had switched. After Yuta had watched him cuddle you until the day was over, you barely even got the chance to talk to Yuta face to face since Jeno offered to take you home. He was being suspiciously clingy and you wondered if he suspected anything.

“You’re okay with sharing a pasta and plate of fries ?” Jeno smiled over at you, one hand rubbing your waist and the other holding up the wooden menu. You nodded and Jeno placed his order in with Johnny who was doing the rounds for everyone. Yuta sat across from you and you could feel his stare on you from time to time, and the moments it felt like he was staring, Jeno’s grip on your waist got tighter.

“Is...is something wrong ?” you leaned into Jeno as he took a sip of his water. Even though he was smiling, his jaw was clenched signaling that he was trying to suppress himself from doing or saying something. “I'm just really tired” he rubbed your back and to your surprise leaned in to capture your lips. It was innocent but your lack of effort to mind his feelings wasn't good enough for Yuta. Frankly he had no idea where you two stood at the moment, for all he knew you could be playing him right now. It probably wasn't the case though, but Yuta was not really used to his life getting a happy ending. The night drove on and the group split with you, Ten, Doyoung, Taeyong and Renjun seated at the table while the rest of the guys were hanging around the bar babysitting their drinks. Jeno was really a changed man since high school. He was so confident, well-built and a good socialite with the team. You watched him lean against the bar counter, drink in hand entertaining whatever story Lucas had for the night.

“So you and y/n huh ? Have you scored yet ?” Lucas raised his brow cheekily to which Jeno chuckled and shook his head, “Really Lucas ? were talking about my sex life now ?” Yuta was in conversation with Johnny and Sungchan but he couldn't help but overhear your name in the chat next to him.

“Yeah man, I'm sure she’s good too after locking down my boy Yuta” Lucas smirked and Yuta flinched when the boisterous man grabbed onto his shoulder and pulled him into the conversation. “Even though they hate each other I just know they had the best hook ups” Lucas laughed despite Johnny trying to make him shut up.

“Well that’s all over now” Jeno’s eyes narrowed on Yuta before looking up at Lucas, “she invited me over tonight and considering the type of pictures she sent me, i'm guessing it’s going to be one hell of a night.” Yuta’s chest felt tight not only at the possibility that you may have invited him over to finally sleep with him but mainly because of the way Jeno spoke about you. He probably only shared that information to appease Lucas but hinting at you sending him nudes was not something you would like the guys to know about.

“She’s really been trying to speed up the process between us too it's cute actually” Jeno continued as Yangyang and Lucas egged him on, “that night after that painting you guys did for Mark Lee she was practically begging me to fuck her after our movie date. God if my brother didn't give me all those errands I would've done so right on the kitchen counter.”

Yuta shot back the rest of his drink and stormed off as Lucas and Yangyang hyped up Jeno, pouring him another shot and laughing erratically in their drunken state. From where you were seated you saw Yuta storm off and watched Johnny run after him worriedly, making you slightly anxious.

“Yuta don't listen to them man '' Johnny huffed as he finally caught up to his friend a few blocks down from the restaurant. “I dont fucking care man I really dont” Yuta chuckled dryly and ran his fingers through his hair, “It doesnt matter because at the end of the day im still the worthless piece of shit and guys like him are God fucking sent.” Johnny watched Yuta’s expression change and he turned around to find you standing there, desperately looking between them for context.

“Yuta what happened ?” you asked in a small voice and the familiar sting in his chest returned, hearing you call out his name, following him out here while Jeno was still inside, it was all just confusing to him.

“I thought you giving us a week meant you felt the same way and I could finally relax knowing you were going to be with me y/n” Yuta groaned in frustration while Johnny took a step away from the heated exchange. You shook your head as you approached him, “yes I did, so what's the problem ?” Yuta scoffed and folded his arms. “What's the problem ? doesn't look like anything’s changed y/n. I have to see you act like the couple of the year after telling you how I felt about you ? That's brilliant.”

“I told you I would speak to him this week” you snapped, unbothered by the now random onlookers who were concerned at the scene taking place. “But fine honestly Yuta if you really want me to say it you have my permission to fuck some random girl until im finally free.” You rolled your eyes about to turn on your heels to leave when you felt a tug on your wrist and Yuta pulled you into a kiss. He held your face in his hands as he kissed you passionately, sighing as he slowly pulled away and pressed his forehead against yours,

“When I said I loved you I fucking meant it y/n, I only want you. But please, if youre going to invite him over or send him dirty...pictures atleast tell him not to tell the whole fucking world about it.”

You took a step back and frowned at his words, “What ? What pictures ?”

“The ones he told Lucas about, y/n honestly I don't care I was just mad that he was airing your business out like that” Yuta bit down on his lip and yet again you were deeply confused as to what he was on about.

“I...I didn't send him anything” you responded, “I didn't invite him over tonight and I definitely haven't sent him any...nudes.”

“Tell that to him then”

You turned around and noticed most of the team was now outside watching the commotion go down and right in front was Jeno, who by the look on his face had most likely seen the kiss you just shared with Yuta.

Jeno approached the both of you with an irritated groan and scoffed, “I was going to ignore the signs but God I was so right, you were still fucking him this entire time ?” You lowered your head and Yuta glared at Jeno, “If you knew all this time why didn't you just break up with her and move on ?”

Jeno rolled his eyes and took a step closer to Yuta to which Johnny quickly responded by placing a firm hand on Jeno’s shoulder making sure the boy was at safe distance from his best friend.

“I'm not like you Yuta” Jeno licked his lips, “unlike you I respect her, I understand that she was going back to you because you like to play around, you never cared about her until I showed up. You were threatened by the fact that you were no longer in control of her.”

“Nobody is in control of me first of all” you chimed in, “and second what’s this about me inviting you over and sending you nudes that apparently the whole fucking bar knows about”

“It's just banter y/n” Jeno shook his head.

“Banter ?” Yuta repeated, “didnt know talking about how you were going to fuck your girlfriend on the kitchen counter in front of her coworkers is banter.”

“What?” you walked up to Jeno, “W-where is this coming from Jeno ? you’re not like this.”

“Well how am I supposed to be y/n ?” Jeno raised his voice, “you wouldn't mind if he said that to you. You're always letting him get away with shit. Im the one sitting around here knowing my damn girlfriend is fucking around with someone else yet somehow still trying to forgive you and figure this out.”

“Why, though ?” you shrugged, “Is it because you want to prove to other people that you're the bigger person ?”

“Would you rather be with someone like him ? someone who will probably throw you aside after he’s bored, or someone like me who was always patient, always willing to put you first no matter what” Jeno reached for your hand, his eyes widening when you shrugged him off.

“Someone who I barely know that talks about me to my friends like im just some kind of whore or someone i've known for a while and not once shared anything intimate that happened between us,” you looked over at Yuta, “It was my one rule, the same rule I gave you Jeno and he was, Yuta is the only one who has abided to it.”

“y/n Im sorry,” Jeno lowered his voice, “we hurt each other and I want to fix that, just make your final decision...me or Yuta”

“Jeno….I apologize for using you, I'm sorry for leading and hurting your feelings” you began and Yuta slowly shook his head and turned around ready to hear the bad news that always seemed to follow him,

“But as crazy as it may sound to everyone here, I'm most like myself when I'm with Yuta, I love the person I am when I'm around him” Yuta turned at your words and instead of the sting he felt a sense of warmth. Hearing you say that in front of everyone who wanted the two of you apart, besides Johnny ofcourse, was absolute bliss.

“Who knows maybe it won't work and it will explode but I really want to try, that's the thing I'm most sure of, I really really want to try” you smiled as Yuta made his way over to you and pulled you into a tight hug.

“Let's get out of here” Yuta whispered before placing a kiss on your cheek and draping his arm over your shoulder as the two of you exited the street walking away from the mess and not even giving it a second glance.

The two of you ended up at your apartment full of smiles and giggles as you slowly discarded your clothes on the way to the bedroom. Once your back touched your soft duvet covers Yuta pressed his body against yours and peppered your skin with kisses all the way up to your ear. “I want to try something different” he whispered and you nodded in response while Yuta pulled his shirt over his head and discarded his jeans. Yuta pulled you on top of his body and returned to your lips, kissing you slowly and passionately. His touches were so delicate and nurturing that every time his fingers ran down your back you felt butterflies in your stomach. You unhooked your bra shimmied out of it, still attached to the addictive taste of Yuta’s lips. He slowly rolled you onto your back and left soft kisses all the way down your neck, down the valley of your breasts until he reached your abdomen. You watched as he pulled your underwear off, looking at your body like it was the most beautiful thing he had seen. That was it. Instead of lust he looked at you with love. He looked like he wanted to take care of you, be gentle with you, savour every moment he had with you. Your breathing hitched when you quickly realized that he inserted himself inside of you and used one arm to steady himself on the bed as he lent down to meet your lips. His strokes were slow but sharp, digging his nails into your thigh from time to time, preventing himself from losing control. Wanting to feel more of him you signaled that you wanted to switch positions and Yuta licked his lips as he watched you place your knees on either side of him and sit down on his member. “F-fuck” he cursed as you began to ride him, keeping to his wishes of keeping things calm and slow. Yuta wrapped his arms tightly around your waist as the two of you kissed in between your moans, twirling your tongue with his as your hips slammed into his.

“Y-Yuta…” you moaned, feeling a tear escape your eye as the long night and the building orgasm caught up with you.

“Yes baby ?” he hummed in your ear.

“I really fucking love you” you sighed, just the words finally leaving your mouth made you sob with joy. It felt so fucking good to finally say it out loud.

Yuta responded by flipping you onto your back and chased both his and your orgasm, fucking you with his usual intensity until you came and he followed straight after, filling the room with heavy pants and both of you trying to catch your breath.

“I love you too y/n” He finally said, bringing you to his chest and pressed his lips against your forehead.

The two of you lay in your bed both napping for a bit until the first sight of dawn began filling the bedroom. You winced at the sun and hid your face in Yuta’s arms as he grinned at your actions.

“I don't want to go to work!” you grumbled.

“Fuck go to work after all the drama you caused ?” Yuta pinched your cheek playfully, earning a nudge in his side from you.

“Anyway” Yuta continued, “I got an email from Taeyong and he said if we want we can work remotely, he gave us the Okinawa project.” You sat up in bed and turned to face him, “the Okinawa project ? Its 9 months in Japan, the same project the whole damn building was trying to get” you blinked, still unsure if Yuta was just fucking with you.

“That's the one” Yuta shrugged, “anyways he said he was going to send either of us anyway since he knows we always get the job done. Oh and he actually said something really funny actually”

“What ?” you raised your brow and watched Yuta reread the text message on his phone.

“He said Doyoung was the one who suggested the two of us be the ones to go, who would've thought ?” Yuta closed the messages and tucked himself back into bed.

“Yeah” you smiled, “Who would've thought.”

THE END

[vigilvntes]

Bruises - Kylo Ren x Fem!Reader (Star Wars)

A/N: the way i had the opening of this in my drafts for ages and then at the big time of 2am i decided i wanted to rewrite the whole thing and get it published ;) i’m so much more motivated to write than usual when i should be doing uni work but oh well more kylo content for you guys <33 inbox is always open for requests while im actually writing so feel free to send and i hope you enjoy <33

Word count: 1900+

Warnings: mentions of minor injuries. 

You walked out of the casino, wincing as the harsh evening winds hit your bare arms. The dress you wore did little to nothing to protect you from the weather, but the last thing you expected to be doing was leaving the venue in search of your date.

Canto Bight was never your favourite place. In your opinion, it was filled with sleazes, who only came to the city for three things: money, booze and sex. However, you were the daughter of a noble family and despite your wishes, your family often sent you along to the gatherings they were expected to attend, assuming that you would fit in with the crowd more than they would. They thought you’d enjoy the party, enjoy the alcohol, even the attention you often seemed to draw to yourself. How wrong they were.

However, there was always one saving grace to evenings like these: Commander Kylo Ren, of the First Order.

The two of you weren’t official, as much as you would like to be. You understood that he had work to do, with his grandfather leaving big boots to fill, he barely had time to sleep, let alone date. But for some strange reason, you were different. You caught his attention, and he made sure to make time for you, whether that meant attending parties and events with you, or simply going out of his way to visit you, if only for an hour. 

Truthfully, you had spent many nights lying awake, tears in your eyes as you thought about your future, which you hoped would be with Kylo. Would he eventually ask you to be his girlfriend? Would he want to marry? To him, those questions would seem trivial, of no importance. He loved you, and would find ways to show you. But to you they meant a lot, and you were hoping for some kind of answers sometime soon. 

You shook your head as you made your way over to the short wall which surrounded the casino, leaning on it, using your elbows to keep yourself propped up as your head rested in your hand. Your gaze flitted between the city and the body of water beyond, which seemed strangely calm despite the mean winds. For a moment, you forgot about the cold, forgot about why you had even come outside in the first place as you watched the waves slowly made their way towards the shore. 

Your peace was soon interrupted.

A pair of hands snaked around your waist from behind and you let out a yelp, turning around quickly to face whoever had touched you, ready to defend yourself as much as you possibly could. Until you heard that familiar, smug chuckle come from behind a mask. You knew exactly who it was before you.

You rolled your eyes, “Way to make an entrance, Commander.” Despite your annoyance, you truly were happy to see him. Immediately you pulled him towards you and wrapped your arms around him, smiling into his chest as you felt him return the gesture. 

Eventually, you pulled away and narrowed your eyes at the man. “Don’t think you’ve gotten away with it. I still have a bone to pick with you.”

Despite how hard he tried to hide it, you heard him sigh lightly underneath the mask and mumble a disgruntled, “Go on.”

“First of all you’re late.”

“(Y/N), I had bus-”

“I’m not finished.” If anyone else spoke to him that way, they would surely be punished. But not you. He allowed you to put him in his place, mainly because he couldn’t ever bring himself to snap at you, but also because he found you too cute when you were pissed off with him.

You took his silence as a go ahead to continue with your rant. “You’re late. Your clothes are ruined. Your helmet still has smoke coming from it. Do I need to continue? How did you even get here? Where have you been?”

“Like I said-”

“Take it off.” You demanded. You were sick of hearing the robotic voice coming from the mask already. You wanted to speak with Kylo, not Commander Ren. 

An almost stunned silence washed over him and he replied to your demand with a quiet, “T-take it off?”

“The helmet, genius. Take it off.”

The two of you stared at each other for a moment, but eventually he reached his hands up and pulled the helmet from his head, revealing a mop of dark, curly hair, which had grown longer since the last time you saw one another, and just as you had expected, new cuts adorned his face, almost nicking the gauze of the scar he had attained during the destruction of Starkiller. But what really caught your attention was the black eye. 

He simply stared at you, waiting patiently for you to react, prepared to accept anything you threw his way. But for a moment you said nothing, all you could do was sigh.

After a minute, you moved closer to him and reached up, your fingers tracing the scar on his cheek, offering him a small, sympathetic smile, “If I remember correctly, the invitation said black tie, not black eye, Ren.”

Kylo couldn’t help but smile at your comment, and you were glad to hear his deep voice, which you had missed so dearly, reply with, “I must have read it wrong.”

“You wanna tell me how Kylo Ren, Commander of the First Order, has ended up with a black eye?”

His smile dropped at your inquiry to know more about his injuries, and your smile followed suit as you realised exactly what had happened. “It was them, wasn’t it?” You asked.

“Who?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Kylo. It was the Scavenger and her Resistance friends, wasn’t it?”

His silence said everything. He pushed his tongue into his cheek and looked away from you, almost embarrassed. And truthfully, it was quite embarrassing. He was Commander Ren. He was feared. Respected. Yet he couldn’t even manage to capture and kill a scavenger girl. 

You turned away from him, moving your attention back to the sea, crossing your arms. He knew you were pissed and he’d have to talk his way out of this one somehow. His silence simply wasn’t enough.

“(Y/N). I’m sorry that I turned up so late.” You didn’t even move, let alone reply, so he continued. “And I’m sorry about the state of my attire.” No reply. “And.... I would also like to apologise for the state of my face.” He wasn’t usually one to apologise to anyone, but a genuine apology from him was the only way for him to bounce back from his fuck up’s.

You tried your hardest to keep your composure, but one of the most powerful men in the galaxy apologising for his face was enough to bring a smile to anyone’s lips. “I guess she got you good, huh?”

He came to your side after hearing your joking retort, “You could say that.” He found himself thinking this too often, but if anyone else had mocked him this way he most likely would have destroyed a wall or two. He knew you would never think of him as a failure, or an embarrassment, as many probably did. Your light-hearted jabs at him were mainly for your own comfort. To make light of any bad situation he often found himself in.

You sighed, leaning your head onto his shoulder. You hated how quickly you could melt back into him again, but you couldn’t waste any more precious time you had together being angry or upset, “I just worry about you,”

“I know. But you shouldn’t,” He mumbled. “I can be reckless. I throw myself into danger. But I also come back fine.” He knew to you those words would probably mean nothing, but he was trying his best to comfort you. 

“You make it so hard not to worry. I mean, this war you’ve got going on... It’s so much bigger than you, or me, or the Scavenger girl. And truthfully, I’m scared. Terrified, actually. For you, for me. For my family. For everyone, really.” That was the first time you had ever admitted your fears to him. There was no way he’d give up his title, give up the First Order, but you hoped he’d provide you with a little reassurance that things would be okay. 

His grip on you tightened, not so much that it would hurt you, but enough to know that he felt every word you spoke. “You know I wouldn’t ever let anything happen to you, or anyone you care about. I care about you too much to hurt you like that.” He stepped in front of you and knelt down, taking both of your hands. “As for everything else, I can’t make any promises. No one, not even the Supreme Leader knows what’s coming next. All I can ask is that you trust me enough to make the right choices.”

His words, for some reason you couldn’t quite decipher, felt like they held some hidden meaning. Like he was planning something drastic, or he knew something drastic would happen in the future. But you took these thoughts with a grain of salt, choosing not to press him any further, and instead choosing to trust him, as he asked of you. Squeezing his hand lightly, you offered him a small smile, “Of course I trust you. I’d trust you with my life. Just... Do what’s right. And if it doesn’t feel or seem right then... Don’t.”

He nodded and stood up slowly, “Of course.” After a few moments of peaceful silence shared between the two of you, as you processed each other’s words, he broke it. “You’re going to have my head the next time I see you, I know, but I have to go.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, “You have to go? As in you’re not staying?”

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am, and I know I said I’d join you for the night but given how today went, I’m not even supposed to be here.”

“Oh, and where exactly are you supposed to be?” You knew the answer already, and you knew he’d probably be in some deep trouble, you just wanted him to say it himself.

Once again, he pushed his tongue into his cheek before replying with, “The Supremacy.”

Bingo, you thought to yourself. The Supremacy. The Supreme Leader’s ship. And Kylo chose to go out of his way to see you first, prioritising you over his master. You couldn’t help but feel flattered, even though your plans for the night had been ruined. You gave him a small smile, “I suppose because you came to me first, and because I’m almost certain the Supreme Leader is gonna give you a harder time than I ever could, I’ll let this one go,”

“I appreciate that.” He leant down and pressed his lips to yours gently, and when he pulled away, he left another on your forehead. “I’ll see you soon, I promise.”

As you watched him walk away, towards the steps, you wished you could go with him. Be by his side, be able to see him everyday. Even though you knew that wasn’t exactly possible at the moment, you couldn’t help but ask. Before you could stop yourself, you had called his name, and he, already a few metres away, had turned to look back at you. 

He knew what you were going to ask, and this time his answer was more hopeful than it had been before. He couldn’t tell you what was to come, but he hoped it would work for the both of you.

“Kylo I-.... One day, will you take me with you?”

He nodded his head slowly, and spoke only one word, “Soon.”

[pepperful-qt]

hello!! i saw that your requests are open so,,, anyways, can you please make a hcs of kenma, kuroo and any other hq boys u like and their reaction when their s/o sends a video of them with i love you written on their cheeks? thank u and always take care!! ♡♡

this is so cute what🥺 almost went with Suna but decided on Tendou bc i just did something for him recently! & he deserves something like this tbh

Kenma, Kuroo, & Tendou when their s/o sends a surprise video with ‘i love you’ written on their cheeks 

*****

Kenma

you don’t send it to him in when he’s in public which he is thankful for

you do, however, send it out of nowhere. no special occasion or anything, which makes it so much more special to him tbh

you guys are video chatting while playing minecraft or stardew valley if you’re like me (or another online game of your choice) and you pause yourself and say you’re going to the bathroom or smth and mute your mic

it’s not really a big deal, so he doesn’t think too much on it and just continues building his redstone mechanism or w/e 

until he gets a notification from you

his first thought is that you ran out of toilet paper and he’s like why would you text me we’re not even in the same house-

but, that’s not what he sees. instead, it’s you in one of his hoodies that you stole 

you painted your nose and drew cat whiskers, with ‘i love you’ as the top whisker on each cheek and two lines beneath so cute wth

he thinks so too

it’s a short and sweet message, but clearly something you put thought into

but-

achievement unlocked! you broke him

seriously, he stops breathing for the entire video

he’s an absolute blushing MESS currently pulling up his hoodie to cover his face. pulling the drawstrings and everything

direct affection like this always makes him flustered. always

which is why it’s so cute hehe

he’s not much for pda or anything so you take your chances where you get em

little did he know, you were hiding just off camera where you could see the whole thing and you are currently 🥺

you just hear your name in an exasperated groan from the call

“y/nnnnnn” muffled by his hoodie ofc

you’re smiling like an idiot bc��mission accomplished✨

“hehehe did you like it?” 

you still have the makeup on and his soul leaves his body

“why would you do that to me?”

“awww can’t you read?”

more blushy blushy 

he wants to hug you or hold you so bad in that moment like it’s absolute torture

and next time he sees you, oh boy is he stuck to you like glue. good luck getting him off you ever

* * *

Kuroo

you decide to drop this on him while he’s en route to nationals. you weren’t able to come until the second day for school or work reasons, but you still wanted to show your support for your bf, esp for something so important to him!

you know he’s the type to keep his phone on dnd or airplane mode while he’s on long trips, as he prefers to sleep or read in peace

and you use this information to plan the perfect surprise! you send the video during his trip so he’ll see it when he’s going through notifications when he finally arrives

you tell/bribe Kenma to record his reaction for you too, which he may or may not do

your relationship with Kuroo has always been one of teasing and banter. for pet names you call each other ‘babe’ or ‘sweetheart’ as easily as ‘dork’ or ‘dumbass’

so it’s very very amusing to him when you start the video with “hey dummy~” while you have ‘i love you’ written in red on one cheek and ‘Nekoma #1′ on the other

the moment he sees you this guy has the biggest stupidest grin on his face. not even in a smug or cocky way, just completely lovestruck

he’s doing that thing where he covers part of his face with his hand and shakes his head a little bc he finds you so adorable

the video is actually really sweet with you hoping he got to the inn safely and wishing him good luck, and promising him a special kiss if he wins so you can see him play the second day

talk about motivation ammirite ;)

and your surprise works; he’s totally caught off guard

by the end of the video the genuine grin definitely turned devious lol, and he’s not one to blush easily, but you definitely got him a lil bit

some of his teammates heard a very ominous giggle from their captain, and his expression is even more disturbing

no one who asks is allowed to see, you're for his eyes only, but he does brag about the wonderful video his s/o sent him

excuses himself immediately so he can facetime you

if you’re still wearing it he just starts laughing again, and try as he might he can’t stop smiling

says some stupid cocky playful line

“hey baby, you got something you wanna tell me?” or “looks like you can’t contain your love for me” smh

partially scolds you for trying to catch him off guard (in public) 

“i love you too but you’ll regret that” etc

okay this mf is suggestive af fill in the rest

you better be looking forward to more than just a kiss when he sees you is all i’m saying

* * * 

Tendou

happens at like 1-2am on a school night when you’re both texting memes back and forth bc you enable each other

and tbh you’re feeling a bit delirious,, like at this point you’re actually laughing irl at the stupidest things he sends and muttering to yourself

so once the idea pops into your head your impulse control may as well not exist

he doesn’t really notice your absence too much, just keeps sending da memes. in fact he’s spamming so much he doesn’t even notice what you do send LOL

so you’re sitting there like 👉👈 waiting for him to react,, until eventually you’re like: ‘hellooo?? did you see what i sent??’

LEAVES YOU ON READ LMAOO before a keyboard smash and then silence

bc he is freaking out

like Kenma’s, it’s a cute, sweet message where you’re just gushing about how much you love him

it’s a little rambly and your words are a bit slurred but that just makes it all the more endearing

“tendou~~ look i just love you so much i need the whole world to know!!” while pointing to your cheeks

poor bby is about to cry fr he's overwhelmed

he’s just watching it over and over again like🥺🥺🥺

and you’re back to waiting for a reaction and you’re starting to feel a little silly. you’d already accepted that he’d tease you over it but now you’re embarrassed--

but you know what? he sends his own video back, with 'i love you my angel!' haphazardly scribbled on his forehead 

“y/n~~~” he’s totally mocking you “i can’t believe you love me so much you’re gonna make me cry~” doesn’t mention he already did a bit “i can’t believe i’ve been blessed with such an angel--” 

he’s just going on and on until he hits the video size cap

congratulations you’ve absolutely ruined each other at 2am and you have a test tomorrow and he has morning practice

but do either of you care? no

he cannot stop smiling the next day he’s just glowing and is just all over you

and you didn’t realize you’d written in sharpie so there’s still a little bit visible that you tried and failed to hide with concealer

he’ll never let you live that down😌😘

*****

THIS REQUEST MADE ME SO SOFT WRITING IT JFC😭

[nsfwsportsanimebabes]

S/O with the best vibes headcanons

Description: can I request kuroo, and the Miya twins w a fem s/o or crush (whichever u want:3) who’s room has just like the most chill vibes, like they have a record player, lots of plants, books, fairy lights, and a cute colour theme that they just adore. Maybe like their first time coming to visit & staying till 2am cause it’s just so welcoming and calm?

Requested: YESSSS OF COURSEEEE🥺🥺🥺 this is so pure and I’m excited to get these hashed out for you🥺🥺🥺 honestly both your admins HARDCORE relate to these vibes. Like we both have these things scattered between our apartments. So you’re really pulling on some great vibes here. I’ll try not to go too overboard 😉☺️

A/N: soooo uhhh. I’m not dead.. lolol. Just kinda reallyyyyy lost any motivation to write for not only this blog, but any writing in general honestly. BUT this blog is still kicking, we do still take requests in, and love seeing them. I plan on doing a few more requests and/or WIPS that motivation comes for. 

Also..I apologize if Osamu’s isn’t the greatest, I did his first and this is the first scenario type post I have done in a longgggggggg time. But regardless hope you all enjoy! ~Admin Crow 💚

Miya Osamu

“and if you push this button on the remote you can totally change the colors to the lights too. Pretty neat right?”

To be honest, Osamu didn’t hear much of your explanation of all the things in your room. Mostly because he was overwhelmed by the pure vibes coming from your room. He was a little surprised that you had invited him over to study. You two hadn’t been dating for very long, so inviting him over to study, in your bedroom no less, had taken him by surprise. But of course curiosity got the best of Samu, so he wasn’t about to turn down this opportunity. Looking around, he noticed the way your lights were set up to give off whatever color you wanted to hit every corner of the room. And how your cute little starter plants overtook your dresser. Candles of specific colors adorned your bookshelf where you had organized them by color to match an obvious theme you were going for. Osamu especially enjoyed the record player that had music softly playing; the record turning slowly to match the music coming out of it. He’d have to investigate your books and records later when you showed him your favorite ones. 

He took in the way your lights had pictures hanging from them, most of them were pictures you had taken with your friends. But he noticed the corner by your bed had ones the two of you had taken together. For some reason Osamu found that really sweet. 

“Samu? Did you here me? Hello, earth to Osamu.” you called out, trying to gain the attention of your boyfriend, who had been staring at your fairy lights after taking in your room for a solid 3 minutes without looking or acknowledging you comments. You were nervous about what his response to your room would be. The way you decorated your room was in a way that really showed who you were, and you didn’t want to just share that with anyone. 

Osamu finally realized you were calling him and turned to look at you with a lazy smile noticing your slightly guarded look and could tell you were waiting for a response. “Come here F/n, there’s no reason to be anxious, I totally think your set up is amazing. Show me more?” 

Miya Atsumu

 “You have so many books F/N! How the hell do you afford all of these!?” Atsumu had never seen so many books outside of a library in his life. The fact that you had two full size, five shelf book shelves in your room side by side. Each bookshelf adorned with rows and stacks of books taking up every possible space that you could cram a book into. 

You rubbed the back of your head blushing slightly “well....I found most of them at bookstores, thrift stores, sales, friends and family who gave them as gifts...” you rambled, not sure what his response would be. 

Atsumu ran to another corner of your room immediately starting to flip through your almost equally impressive stack of records. When you had invited Atsumu over to work on a school paper together, you didn’t know what his thoughts of your room would be. Even though you two had been best friends since you were 6, he had yet to been inside your room. Although your locker at school had a lot of similar vibes as your room, a few mini plants you had snuck into school were on the top shelf, pictures adorning your locker door, and other things gave Atsumu an idea of your inner vibes. 

It was something he really loved about you. He would be lying if he didn’t admit that he was dying to see what your room looked like. Any chance to get closer to you was really his end goal. I mean, he’s been trying to go over to your place for years to be shot down every time. But the opportunity had finally arrived and you had caved, finally allowing him the opportunity into your private life. 

“Hey F/N, got any secret journals hidden amongst all of these books full of secrets you haven’t shared with me?” he teased going back to the books scattered over your desk. 

Sighing, you sunk into your corner of comfy, plushy bean bag pillows and called for him to join you “Knock it off Tsumu, get over here and sit down so we can work on this paper please?” 

Atsumu took one look at the comfy looking pile before taking three long strides and plopping down onto the one next to you, jostling you and your laptop in the process. “I could really get used to hanging out here F/N. I say we start having movie nights at your place. In fact, let’s just do everything over here from now on.”

“Don’t push your luck there Tsumu.”

Kuroo Tetsurou

“can I choose the next record F/N?” 

Looking up from your sketchbook, you noticed your boyfriend looking over at you with a lazy look. To be honest, he looked completely at home, fitting in with the glow of the fairy lights that you had dimmed just enough to allow you guys to see what you were doing. 

Kuroo had been surprised when you suggested doing homework together at your house, since his room was the usual hang out spot, unless you chose to be outside in nice weather. It’s not that he didn’t think you didn’t want him in your room, he was just usually the first to suggest studying over at his place. 

But seeing the way your room just gave off vibes that were purely, you, had Kuroo ready to study and hang out here all the time. He found your room a chill environment, but still productive enough that he wasn’t wasting his time studying. He had particularly enjoyed flipping through your pile of records, and naming off fun facts of all the cute plants you had scattered in perfect places in your room to capture the sunlight. 

You nodded at Kuroo’s question, returning to your sketchbook, immediately getting lost in the drawing you were working on for class again. A few minutes later you recognized the soft melody of your and Kuroo’s favorite song coming from the record player. Suddenly two strong, volleyball and chemistry note taking worn, hands gently took your pencil and sketchbook from you. Setting them down next to you before pulling you to your feet and into your dorky boyfriend’s arms. 

“Tetsu you cannot dance for your life. What are we doing?” you laughed, letting him pull you close and swaying with him. 

“I can’t dance?! Excuse me have you not seen the grace and beauty that I have on the volleyball court? What makes you think I can’t use that to dance with my beautiful girlfriend?” he defended, although you both knew you were right. 

Laughing you took control, despite the obvious difference in sizes between you two, and spun under his arm, enjoying the quick way he caught himself from tripping. Whether the two of you could dance or not, it didn’t matter. Spending this time with Kuroo was like the world had stopped moving around you. If you could spend forever here in his arms in your room forever you certainly would. 

Although it wouldn’t be spent dancing as Kuroo ruined that moment by throwing you over his shoulder and flopping down on your bed deciding it was time for cuddles while enjoying the rest of your album playing your favorite songs. The two of you laughing and sharing special secret moments that would stay inside your four bedroom walls for eternity. 

[aerixlee]

announcement on after sunset!!

so this is... late? like, really really really overdue. and i’ve been honestly dreading posting this, but it’s taken a toll on my mental health on top of everything else, so i’m just going to bite the bullet and do it.

(also i forgot my tumblr password, so i do technically have an excuse for not posting this sooner. but that’s not the point. i’m getting off track already)

to preface: i am NOT abandoning after sunset!!!! i still have a lot planned, and i don’t currently have intentions of leaving it forever unfinished, which is why i will not be marking it as complete.

however, i will be taking an indefinite break from it out of the interest of my own mental well being. though i love the story and i really do want to keep writing, it’s also become impossible to ignore the effects that it’s had on my mental well-being. the pressure to keep up with updating and making each chapter better than the last has... honestly taken some of the fun out of it, and it’s made me enjoy the atla fandom a little less as a whole. i tried to push through for a little, but i don’t think that it’s working. like, at all.

i probably didn’t need to write a whole mini essay on this, but i’m a dramatic person, and i really do feel like i owe you all an explanation. i saw we got to over 10k hits and it-- like holy shit dude that’s insane? it sucks, because that would’ve been just mind-blowingly incredible to me a while ago, but now it’s just making me feel like shit. i’m so incredibly grateful for all of your support, and i’m really sorry if i’m disappointing any of you or letting you down. which i’m sure i am. hopefully, when i do pick the fic back up again, it’ll be with better writing and the motivation that i had at the beginning!

yeah. this has honestly been a long time coming. i felt super pressured to keep going, and this whole thing has really made me realize that i... have no concept of stopping when i need to stop? and then by that point it’s too late and i’m drowning or something. so this is also me learning how to take a break and learn to prioritize myself for once? pretty sick if i do say so myself. doesn’t change the fact that i still feel shitty about this whole thing, but we’re getting there.

(this isn’t to say that i’m stopping writing as a whole btw; you can absolutely expect more from me, albeit different things - i’m still staying up until 2AM writing absolute garbage that i don’t even know why people read LMAO love u)

again, i’m really sorry for making you all wait like that - i was being dumb and avoiding writing this all out. if you read all of this? holy shit i love you? thank you so much for all of your love - i really don’t know what i did to deserve you all.

[themissinggenius]

Part 2/2

Another conversation was coming, but it was avoided for the time being. Clarice showered in the guest bathroom; earlier, she had tried peering around the house—still mad but a bit embarrassed by the outburst. The door had been put back into place since she showered, and the water had been cleaned off of the floor. Hannibal was nowhere to be found. I really did it this time, she thought. Her body relaxed, and her face softened. She didn’t think it was appropriate to laugh, but the thought still surfaced, prompting a sad smile. I pushed around the violent centerpiece of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list. And he just cried. Shithouse mouse. The smirk dissipated as she ruminated further... She had hit him. Being a domestic abuser wasn’t just rude; it was boringly common. 

She moved the thoughts about violence to the side and shifted her attention to the cause of the scuffle. I don’t know what he expected. Hannibal knows the depth of my old relationship with Jack, as much as he hated him. He told me to say goodbye to my father, so why not Jack?

Your daddy and Jackie Boy aren’t the same, she reminded herself. At this moment, she was both grateful and resentful that her internal voice of reason was that of her husband. At least it was helping her see his view. Okay, so the relationship isn’t necessarily comparable. But why would he think I wouldn’t come home? Did he really read my intentions so incorrectly?

Clarice laid awake in the guest bedroom for hours.

~~

Hannibal Lecter relies on his intuition; it may just be his most famous attribute. On rare occasion, though, his cunning will fail him. On the day that Jack Crawford died, it most certainly did.

However, he doesn’t know that yet. Instead, he is reclined in repose at the seat of his harpsichord which he does not play. As he is off in one of the ill-visited quarters of the home, Clarice would be unable to hear the notes carrying from her position in the guest room; even so, he does not play. Hannibal gleaned a look of disgust and frustration from her earlier, and thus, he was certain his Starling would take flight by the morning for reasons known but difficult to accept. There is no reason for him to play.

Poised on the bench, he disappeared to his memory palace without struggle. The difficulty came when he walked down the halls, closing each door that had belonged to her. Hannibal contemplated as he walked: There is a certain symmetry to this—an appreciable one. Clarice’s hotheadedness had been a defining feature of hers, whereas he relied on coolness. He chastised himself for his own emotional outburst; it was unlike him to breakdown, and though he had allowed himself to become vulnerable to his wife, with her likely departure, he had to withdraw from all this fragility. He had to shut down. He had to be the ice to meet her violent fire. 

Thus, he closed her doors, sealing the emotional ties within each.

~~

Hannibal emerged at the sound of her voice. He had not heard her approaching in nor had he smelled her. 

A few paces away from the harpsichord, Clarice stood. Hannibal had been contemplating whether to address her as Clarice (Perhaps too informal at this point...), Agent Starling (But even when she goes back, she won’t be an agent...), or Miss Starling (Ummmm, I don’t like this one very much...) when she interrupted.

“Hannibal,” she started. 

“Ah.” He paused but spoke again before she could continue. “I see you’ve finally decided to join me. Had enough tossing and turning up there, or did you come down to use me as your personal punching bag again?”

“No, no. I just think-”

He cut her off again. “You know what I think, Ex-Special Agent Starling?” Oooh. That works, he thought. “Well, actually I wonder. I wonder if that was how Daddy took care o’ Mommy when she wouldn’t shut ‘er yap.” His imitation of her accent—which she had long abandoned—made her flinch. “If Ma didn’t have dinner on the table at five-o-clock, yes siree, she’d be in some kinda trouble. And boy, does Clarice still wanna be like her Daddy! No matter what,” he emphasized with a drawl, “she’s gonna stand by him. It sure do seem that way tuh me!” Hannibal smirked, and his face betrayed no warmth.

The room had felt colder to Clarice when she had walked in. She had expected him to be upset, but she hadn’t expected this. The woman paused and considered the implications: her musings were correct. He really did misread her, and now he was trying to drive her away. Well fuck that. 

In their years of marriage, the couple had picked up on a few of each other’s traits. For one, Clarice was not going to allow a bit of intimidation break her. He came close to doing so in Baltimore, but he would not again. She steeled herself, adopting a bit of his icy demeanor.

“No, Hannibal. My father did not hit my mother. I think I would’ve told you by now, don’t you?”

He didn’t answer right away; rather, he just pursed his lips and smiled. 

Then, he began: “As you know, I don’t try to predict you because it often proves fruitless.” He looked off before setting his gaze squarely on her. “However, considering these... outbursts of yours and the contempt plain on your face, I have bought you a ticket back to Arlington in time for dear Mr. Crawford’s funeral. For my safety, I will also be leaving, but not to Virginia. I know how much you must miss Jackie; please, give him my regards when you go. Maybe if you scream and pound on his grave hard enough, someone will hear and they’ll finally find you... Three years after you were reported as a missing person.” Lecter’s eyebrows shot up, and he shrugged. “Though I doubt you’ll be reinstated, as you haven’t kept your resume up to date. It will be no problem for you, though, Clarice.” He gave her a kind, patronizing look. “You’re a very smart girl. When you rediscover that the FBI has no use for your intelligence, try showing off your trophies from the firing range. Maybe even tell them about your skills in hand-to-hand combat... I could write you a glowing reference!”

Hannibal was perfectly still in his seat with his wife just beyond him. He waited patiently for her to break. He wanted no end to be left untied when she left. Your turn.

“I see you still try and lick tears after you’ve tired of tasting your own.” Clarice took a slow step toward him. She needed to crack his facade quickly. “Fortunately or unfortunately, I have no intention of moving back to the States. I find that I’m quite happy right here.”

Only she could have noticed the slight twitch of the doctor’s right eye upon this admission. And she did.

Starling inched closer. “Now, about this ‘contempt plain on my face’...” She mirrored his voice and flat expression; her imitation was even better than his had been. “Did ya happen to consider that it’s because you just tried to tear me apart—unsuccessfully, I might add? Let me tell you what I know, Doctor.” She hammed up the formality in her tone. “I know you’re not comfortable feeling worried about another person. I know that you felt vulnerable when I was gone, and I know you didn’t like that.” 

She paused, remaining collected. She raised her voice a tad for this last bit. “Lastly, I know that you ASSUMED. And if there is one—just one!—good thing that goddamned Jack Crawford taught me over the years,” she laughed, “it’s that, when you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME. Trust me, baby, you did just that. And despite what your intuition told you, I’m not going anywhere.”

She did it. The true stoic’s face had broken, and Hannibal the Cannibal sat, dumbfounded. He opened his mouth and then closed it. She continued.

“I’m sorry that you misread my motivations. I spent yesterday reflecting on how I had gotten to this point, and I had come home feeling glad. I was planning on going upstairs to find you, drawing a bath for the both of us, and then dancing later on in the evening. Your assumption got us a bit sidetracked, though.” Looking down at her watch, it was 2am. Holy crap. She focused back on him and noted that he was still unmoving but appeared less rigid than before. The room felt like it had finally warmed up.

Clarice took a last step towards her husband. Now above him, looking down, she said, “I am sincerely sorry for hitting you, Hannibal.”

Finally, he stirred. “Clarice, I have not once so much as laid a finger on you in anger...”

“I know. Ironic, right?”

“I don’t think so.”

His wife smirked at that, and he returned the favor. “No, I guess you wouldn’t. Anyway, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. You know what else won’t happen again?” She held his chin and spoke softly. “You doubting us. I’m with you for the long haul. Where the hell did you even think I was going?”

“Ummmm. To be candid, I’m unsure of what I thought your plan was. I assumeddddd,” he looked up at her teasingly, “that you were leaving because of a change in heart.”

“My, Dr. Lecter, you didn’t have every one of my steps planned out before I could even think of them? What have I done to you?”

“I can now definitively say that you bring out the worst in me.”

Clarice laughed and sat down next to him. “Crying? And worrying?” She was feeling more relaxed, placing her hand on his leg as she started laughing harder. “Why am I not surprised that you consider that to be Hannibal Lecter at his worst?”

Her husband just smiled back at her. She saw his cheeks blush almost imperceptibly, which then prompted a further fit. It wasn’t long before they were both laughing.

“You had better... go back... into that memory palace of yours... and open up my doors ASAP,” Clarice ordered while catching her breath.

“And how did you—?”

“You were sitting on that bench for quite a while before I called out to ya. Try not to forget about me so soon, huh?”

“I wouldn’t even think of it.” Never again, he added silently. “But I must ask... Would I be incorrect in assuming you still want to dance?”

Clarice smiled widely. Hannibal shifted in his seat and began to play.

[fanmoose12]

Found your account at almost 2AM and it was the first thing I thought of discovering in the morning. And look at me now, it's been almost an hour and I can't stop scrolling down cuz IT4S JUST SO AMAZING. Can i request some levihan angst AU about one of them being tortured then getting saved by the other one? Thank you for your magestic writing

ok, so it's set in modern setting but the events are similar to the uprising arc in canon???? anyways, i hope you like it, take care :)

Hange watched, disinterested, as a big burly man picked up a large knife and then crouched next to her.

“I would advise against it.” Hange noted nonchalantly.

The man stared at her, dumbfounded. “You would advise against what?”

“Doing that,” Hange nodded at the knife. “Hurting me.” She added, when she saw that her previous words didn’t help to clear the fog in the man’s eyes.

The man gave her a feral smile. “Really?” he cocked his head to the side. “Do tell me then why I shouldn’t hurt you.”

“Well, you do know who I’m married to, right?”

The man gave Hange another confused look, and Hange was honestly surprised by that. So he wasn’t one of the thugs, who kidnapped her so they could get their revenge on Levi? Was she kidnapped because someone actually needed her, and wasn’t just looking for the way to hurt Levi? Well, Hange thought to herself with a grin, that made this whole situation less humiliating. Even if Hange got caught like the biggest fucking idiot. Although, in her defense, she hadn’t been sleeping for the last two days, too engrossed in her research, and it made her less aware about her surroundings. However, Hange knew that this explanation wouldn’t work on Levi. Oh, her husband would get so furious, Hange could already picture his angry little face, with his eyes narrowed dangerously at her and his angry voice shouting at her to be more careful.

Hange returned her gaze to her kidnapper, squinting suspiciously at him. “You really don’t know?” she asked, just to be sure.

“Lady, I don’t give a fuck about who you are married to,” the man growled. “The only thing I care about is the location of Erwin Smith. Which I expect you to reveal for me.”

Hange wanted to shout in triumph. She loved Levi and their marriage was one of the best things that happened to her, but sometimes it was really hard being his wife. Levi was a cool strong man, who beat up bad guys on a daily basis, and Hange loved him for that! She admired his strength and his convictions and how he was willing to sacrifice even his life to help other people. But. Every fucking criminal in their city thought it would be wise to kidnap Levi Ackerman’s wife just so they could screw with him. And Hange really hated to be the damsel in distress. She knew how to defend herself, and she was fucking good at it, but, sometimes, well, sometimes, like in this particular instance, she became too absent-minded to notice two guys following her through the dark alley. She didn’t notice them until they jumped right onto her, pressing a chloroformed handkerchief to her nose. Ah, well, no big deal. Happens to everyone.

Hange gave the man a big, toothy smile. “Listen,” she began cheerfully. The man stared at her with wide eyes, obviously shocked by the sudden change in her behavior. “I would really, really, like to tell you about that, but,” if Hange’s hands weren’t bound behind her back, she would have shrugged, but now she could only bat her eyelashes at the man, feigning innocence. “Unfortunately, I can’t do that. That’s classified information.”

The man growled in frustration, and grabbing Hange by the hair, he punched her hard. Hange’s head lolled to her side, but surprisingly the blow didn’t hurt as much as she expected. Did he go easy on her?

“Tell me where Erwin Smith is!” The man demanded angrily. He held Hange’s shirt in his fists, putting her face close to his. As he began shouting at her, Hange felt the smell of his breath. Eugh, she thought, now she kinda understood why Levi was such a clean-freak. The man reeked and it was disgusting.

“I don’t know where he is!” Hange exclaimed, deciding to change the strategy. “You took the wrong person, I’m just a scientist, I’m not involved in Erwin’s secret plans!”

“Don’t play dumb with me!” the man shook her again, looking furiously at her. “I know who you are! I know everything about you!”

Hange smirked, cocking her head to the side and regarding the man with interest. “Do you?”

“You are Hange Zoe, a researcher and lead scientist in Erwin’s Smith agency called “Wings of Freedom”. You are his right-hand man and I’m sure he doesn’t need to tell you about his plans, as more than half of them are devised by you.”

Hange couldn’t lie to herself, she was impressed. She thought he was just an amateur, but this man actually knew a lot about her, in fact he knew too much.

“And yet you have no idea who my husband is,” Hange raised her head and looked at the celling. It was dump and leaking. “A grave mistake, really.” She sighed.

“I told you I don’t care--“

“But you should,” Hange cut him off. “If you value your life, of course.”

“Oh?” the man raised his eyebrow sarcastically. “Then please tell me who your husband is.”

Hange grinned at the man. “Does the man Levi Ackerman ring any bells to you?”

It was a fantastic sight. The man palled immediately, his eyes widening in shock and his gaze filling with fear.

Hange’s grin grew wider. “You know, how angry he would get? Oh, he would get so angry with you, he would be furious!” Hange snickered, watching how the man slowly swallowed. “No one likes when Levi gets angry, well, I do like it, but only because sex with angry Levi is amazing. But I don’t think you’ll enjoy what Levi would do to you. You stole his precious wife, after all, and believe me, he loves me very much.”

To Hange’s surprise, her threats had a diametrically different reaction. She probably went too far, because instead of being scared, the man, like a cornered animal, got angry. He grabbed Hange by her hair again and punched her for the second time. That hit was much stronger than the first one, splitting Hange’s lip and throwing the glasses off her face. They fell to the ground loudly, the sound of broken lenses filling the room.

“That was your second mistake,” she told him grimly, spitting out the blood in her mouth. “You broke my glasses and that was the third broken pair this month. Now you’ve made me angry too.”

"Oh, and what are you going to do?” the man gripped the knife in his hand tighter. “Need I to remind you that you are currently tied up to a pipe in my basement. You are bloodied, alone, and completely at my mercy. And besides,” the man made a show of looking around and squinting into darkness. “I can’t see your husband here, whoever he is, so you better be a good girl and just tell me the truth.”

Hange lowered her head, her hair falling to obscure her face. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because… Because then Erwin will get angry with me. And I hate when he does that. He always scolds me like some school teacher, like… like an angry math teacher!”

Hange suddenly remembered her high school math teacher, she had hated the man, and she was sure that the feeling was more than mutual. A sharp pain in her shoulder, however, reminded her that she was getting distracted.

Hange looked to her left and saw that the man’s big knife was now stuck in her shoulder. She gritted her teeth to stop herself from crying out. She was Hange fucking Zoe, she wouldn’t let some amateur asshole have the satisfaction of seeing her scream in pain.

“I’m fucking sick of you!” the man shouted. “Just tell me the information so I can finally kill you!”

Hange threw her head back and laughed. “Really shouldn’t have told me that. Why would I tell you anything now?”

The man tore his knife out of Hange’s skin. He began playing with its edge, regarding Hange with thoughtful eyes.

“I’ll give you one more chance,” the man said finally. “I’ll give you an hour, so you сould reconsider your answer. And I’ll give you a little cut,” he grinned, showing his knife. “To give you some motivation.”

Hange met his amused eyes with icy cold stare.

“You can do that,” she said in a low, dangerous voice, baring her bloodied teeth at the man. Her injured face and crazy eyes made her look almost feral and the man took a step back, terrified but unable to look away from Hange. What kind of man this Levi Ackerman was, if that scary woman was his wife? “You can also shoot me, strangle me, hit me again, whatever tortures your tiny mind comes up with, but no matter what you do, no matter how much you hurt me, I will never, ever betray Erwin’s trust.”

The man felt sweat gathering on his forehead and his hands began to shake. He gripped the handle of the knife harder. He was sure that whoever sat in front of him, it wasn’t just a woman. Looking at her, kneeling on the dirty floor of his basement, her eyes ablaze with fury, he wasn’t even sure she was a woman, that she was a human at all. She was a monster, a fucking demon, and he cursed himself for taking this job.

But there was nothing he could do. If her husband was even half as dangerous as this woman, it meant he had to finish his business quickly and then run fast and far. But before running away like a goddamn coward, though, he needed to give his boss the location of Erwin Smith.

So, holding his favorite knife securely in his grasp, he plumaged it deep into woman’s stomach. The sharp edge pierced her soft flesh like it was nothing. The woman kept looking at him with the same fierce glare, her face never changing, as though she didn’t even feel the pain.

The man staggered shakily to his feet, kicking woman’s leg with his as he stood over her.

“I’ll ask you again in an hour.” He promised before leaving her alone in the dark cold room.

 Hange sat on the damp floor, surrounded by darkness. She wondered how much time has passed. To her it felt like ages went by since the man shut the door after himself, but surely it couldn’t be more than an hour? The blood was oozing from the wound on her stomach, forming a pool under her legs. Hange smirked grimly, things didn’t seem to go very smoothly for her right now.

Hange couldn’t help but wonder: where the fuck was Levi? Usually it didn’t take him a lot of time to find her, beat up all the bad guys, and then heroically save her, all the while grumbling about her stupidity.

Suddenly Hange remembered. The day before her kidnapping. She told Levi not to wait for her in the evening, saying that she had a deadline on her research project and there was a lot of work at the lab and she would probably sleep on the couch in her cabinet. But as Hange spent her day in the lab, it turned out that there weren’t many things left for her to check and re-check. Moblit volunteered to finish the rest and so Hange decided to surprise Levi and come home earlier.

Yeah, surprise him she did.

Feeling her head getting dizzy because of the blood loss, Hange wondered: could it be that Levi didn’t even notice her disappearance? A chill ran through her spine as Hange’s head filled with unwanted, panicked thoughts. She already lost a lot of blood, and even if she can survive that, the angered man would return and then surely kill her. She needed to think how to escape, because telling him about Erwin’s location was definitely out of question. Even the threat of death wouldn’t make Hange betray her friend. 

Before Hange could start planning her escape, the door of the basement opened. After sitting so long in the dark, Hange was blinded by the bright light, coming from the corridor.

The man walked up to her slowly, taking pleasure in watching how pale Hange was and how labored her breaths were.

“Ah, you don’t look so good, honey,” the man smiled all too sweetly at Hange. He crouched next to her again, and his loyal knife was held tightly in his palm. “Do you want my help?”

Hange sneered at him. “Go fuck yourself.”

Suddenly, Hange heard something. The sound was quiet, almost silent, and the man probably didn’t hear it. But Hange did. And she recognized it immediately. After all, she would be a pretty bad wife, if she didn’t know her husband just by the sound of his footsteps.

The man didn’t notice anything, didn’t even seem to see the grin that spread at Hange’s lips. He raised his hand, as though to grab Hange by her chin. Levi was at him in a second, sizing his giant head in his hands and then quickly snapping his neck.

“Fucking scum.” Levi spat out. “Wanted to touch my wife with his filthy hands.”

Levi stared at the dead body for another second, before turning his attention to Hange.

“What the fuck, four-eyes?” Levi asked angrily as he went behind her back to untie her hands. “It’s the third kidnapping this month. The third. When will you get your head out of your ass and finally start noticing when people are following you?”

Hange chuckled, relief and happiness making her head spin. Or maybe it was the blood loss. Well, part of it was definitely due to the blood loss, but she was really happy to see Levi.

When Levi was done with the ropes, he took Hange’s wrists into his hands and gently rubbed the bruised skin. Still holding her hands into his, Levi came to sit in front of Hange.

His brows were furrowed in annoyance, as he was probably still angry at Hange’s carelessness, but his eyes showed how worried he was for her.

Levi’s breath hitched as he finally took notice of the extent of Hange’s injuries.

“It looks worse than it actually is,” Hange was quick to assure him. She didn’t want Levi to faint.

Slowly, with trembling hands Levi grabbed the end of Hange’s shirt and lifted it up. He cursed when he saw a wide gushing wound that ran through Hange’s stomach. His grip on her shirt tightened, and Levi turned to glare at the already dead man.

“Oi, Levi,” Hange gently touched his cheek, making him look at her. “He’s already dead and can’t do any harm to me. Besides, the wounds don't hurt that much.”

“Your hand is cold.” Levi grumbled.

“What?”

“Your hand is cold,” Levi repeated in the same gruff voice. “It’s always warm and now it’s cold, so don’t fucking tell me you are fine. If I hadn’t arrived in time, if I hadn’t called to check on you in the evening, you would have died, Hange.”

“But you arrived in time,” Hange gently smiled at her husband. “I’m still alive, because you saved me, just like you always do.”

“You saved me first.” Levi muttered under his breath and carefully approached Hange, kneeling beside her.

Hange put her hands around his neck, and then Levi put his hands under her knees, slowly lifting her up.

The moment Levi’s warmth enveloped her, Hange’s eyes closed and she drifted to sleep.

 The first thing Hange noticed upon waking up was the feeling of someone’s hand tightly clutching hers. The second thing she felt was the smell of antiseptics. Judging by the soft bed and the annoying beeping of the machinery, Hange guessed she was in hospital.

She slowly opened her eyes and sat up. Her shoulder and stomach hurt a little, however the moment her eyes landed on the familiar mop of black hair, all uncomfortable feelings were replaced by immense love and adoration Hange felt for that man. With her free hand, Hange touched Levi’s head, her fingers immediately tangling in his soft locks. Levi’s head was on her lap, as he fell asleep in the hospital chair.

“Idiot,” Hange whispered fondly, looking at her husband. His whole body would be sore, when he wakes up, but Hange didn’t have the heart to disturb his peaceful slumber. It wasn’t often that Levi slept so soundly and the recent events probably tired him out.

“I tried to make him go home, but he didn’t listen.” Hange heard a familiar deep voice. She whipped her around and smiled when she saw who was sitting on the other side of her bed.

“Erwin!” Hange exclaimed, trying to keep her voice as quiet as possible.

“You haven’t noticed me, until now, huh?” Erwin chuckled. “After so many years of marriage you two are still so in love with each other, it’s impressive. I tried so hard to send Levi home, but he stubbornly refused to leave your side. Even Moblit agreed to get some sleep and come back in the morning, but Levi didn’t budge.”

“Ah,” Hange gazed at her husband tenderly. “He sure is a stubborn one.”

“Don’t say it like you aren’t the same. I swear you two were made for each other.” Erwin gave her a fond look, before his eyes suddenly turned serious. “Forgive me, Hange,” he said, laying a hand on her shoulder. “I got you involved, and by trying to keep me safe you’ve got hurt.”

“Oi, stop it, Erwin,” Hange’s eyebrows furrowed in annoyance. “I’m a big girl and I can handle myself. And you didn’t get me involved, I got involved myself, so don’t you even think of blaming yourself.” Hange looked sternly at Erwin. “I forbade it.”

Erwin laughed, his hand squeezing Hange’s shoulder with affection.

“Levi obviously doesn’t share your feelings. When he found what that guy was after, he got so angry with me, I thought I would lose another arm too.”

Hange looked away, embarrassed. “Sometimes he worries too much.”

“Because he loves you.” Erwin told her softly. “So do try to stay out of trouble, Hange. You don’t want to become a widow, because your husband had a heart attack, right?”

Hange laughed. “Yeah, that would be quite troublesome. I mean, it would take some time to find a new husband-”

“Oi!” Levi tightened his hold on Hange’s hand, as he raised his head and glared furiously at her. “What was that shit about a new husband?”

“Levi!” Hange cried out in surprise. “I thought you were asleep!”

“I was. Until you two started blubbering.”

“Were you eavesdropping on our conversation?” Hange asked with a sly smile.

Levi rolled his eyes. “I was just giving you two idiots some privacy to talk about your feelings and shit.” Then he narrowed his eyes at Hange. “And you’re avoiding the question, four-eyes.”

“What? It was just a joke, Levi!” Hange threw the hand, that wasn’t held in Levi’s grasp, in the air.

“Do you already have someone you’re planning to marry after my death?”

“Of course, not!”

Levi looked at Hange closely. “Is it Moblit?”

“And yep, it’s time to take my leave,” Erwin announced, rising up from his chair. Neither Hange, nor Levi paid any attention to him, too busy glaring at each other.

When Erwin disappeared behind the door, Levi huffed.

“Fine,” he said, sighing. “You can marry Moblit after my death. But only if he takes good care about you.”

Hange turned away from him, pouting. “You’re such an idiot, Levi.”

Levi moved closer to Hange, pressing a soft kiss on her cheek. “And yet you still love me.”

“Unfortunately, I do.” And even though, Hange’s voice was still annoyed, her eyes, when they finally looked at Levi, shined with love.

Levi stared at Hange’s face and his hands involuntarily clutched into fists.

“Is it that bad?” Hange whispered.

“Not worse than usual,” Levi replied absent-mindedly, his eyes tracing the bruises on Hange’s face. “I killed that bastard too quickly. Should have let him suffer for what he did to you.”

“You’ve killed him and saved me,” Hange said softly. “That’s enough, Levi.”

“Doesn’t feel like it,” Levi admitted.

He put his hand on Hange’s cheek, his thumb caressing her soft skin. Hange smiled at him and leaned into his touch.

“We will be fine, Levi.” Hange promised, looking deeply into Levi’s eyes.

“As long as we are together.” Levi agreed, placing a tender kiss to Hange’s lips.

[crow-in-a-teapot]

radio silence

Right so I feel quite underwhelmed, to be honest. Probably because this book and author were so hyped up, and it was Kat's (paperbackdreams) favourite book that she talks about all the time, the bar was really high. The bar was 'this is going to be my new favourite book, it's going to resonate with me so much, and I am going to cry throughout it constantly'. And to be fair, I think that is too high of a bar considering it would've probably been a coincidence if we all had the same favourite books and storylines and life experiences. Though I DID read it in a couple of hours of nonstop reading, literally finished it in one night in a couldn't-tear-myself-away way, while sacrificing my sleep and finishing it at 2am and I think that means that I definitely liked it. It was very easy to read in that way. Anyway, that's pretty much my main thoughts about the book, but I think I got about a chapter in and I had realised - this isn't really for me.

(The thing about getting a chapter in, I think the start did just make me uncomfortable because the situation that Frances and Aled were in in their friend groups were the same situations I see other people in, and there's always an instant uncomfortable feeling of guilt and dread when I'm reminded that some people don't have those close, real friend groups, or find it so hard to socialise and end up in really bad mental places because of that, because they haven't from a young age like learned that skill almost of opening up to people and getting out of that small talk box. Obviously Frances finds Aled and Raine, and Aled has both Daniel and Frances, but those quiet, introverted people in real life.. Might never find that person. And I can't really do anything about that, or I can, but I don't because any friendship built on 'I just feel sorry for you' isn't a real friendship, and thus I feel guilty about it.)

The writing style reminded me a bit of fanfiction sometimes, which makes sense since it's only Alice Oseman's second book and the huge amount of pop culture references really added to that. (The amount of clothes-describing was pretty unecessary though) A thing about pop culture references is I'm not sure if it becomes a bad or a good thing when you have a book full of outdated pop culture references in say the next five years. Because there were already parts where I was like this internet experience is not my internet experience, because even thought his book came out in in 2016, the internet moves fast (this is without the famous podcast obviously), but I've heard about this internet experience from tumblr veterans and historians.

Some other stuff I will comment on was that a lot of stuff really did resonate with me, and I think there might be a chance of me bringing my rating up to four stars on goodreads or smth if I keep thinking about it in years to come, because a lot of the college and university metaphors and really-in-your-face-obviously-not-metaphors did hit me and threw me into a little bit of a thinking spiral as someone who's thought their whole life is dependent on going to a good college and getting a stable job that isn't art-related while simultaneously really wanting to do art, and also building my entire personality around being smart while realising that as I get older everyone's caught up. (The movie Booksmart has a ton of parallels to Radio Silence I'm sure)

I also want to add that the LGBT+ rep was impeccable, really cool. The whole book reminded me of Beautiful Broken Things and Fierce Fragile Hearts, except I really preferred and felt more emotional while reading the latter two; I was also expecting more of a we are the ants vibe from Radio Silence too, not sure why. Eh, idk. I wasn't as good as I expected basically.

edit: i wanted to add some more; after watching the papercut liveshow i think i’ve figured out some other things that bothered me about the book - 1) something i kind of though about but amn’t sure if i wrote about in this review was how much of an almost caricature-like villain carol made, which i don’t think i would have noticed or put as much emphasis on if she hadn’t killed the dog, which seems like the whole cliche of ‘to show this person is bad ill make them kick a dog/take candy from a small child’ type thing, i do agree that the horrible actions of parents like carol often do go unexplained and without closure so there wasn’t a huge need to explain why she acted the way she did because that might have felt too much like excusing her actions or trying to ‘’redeem’ her, but i still felt like she was Evil with no good motivation 2) the train scene at the end DID feel weird, i knew i wasn’t the only one who noticed that, it was very odd and to be fair, i often find myself writing similar scenes in my own writing because i like inner monologues and emotions and drama, but am not great a action and maybe that’s why the train scene was so weird