#then Covid happened and I started intensives therapy so the last few years have just been healing everything

[monkeygirl727]

So. Life has been wild lately. I know not many people see this or read this, mainly cause I reblog and like fandom things with whatever ship is killing me at the moment and activism things that mean a lot to me. If you wanna read, cool. If not, scroll on but imma get real about life and mental health for a minute.

In December of this year, 2022, after seven and a half years, I did not graduate as expected from my Bachelor's of Nursing program. This was in part because I got lazy, kinda understandable as it's been SEVEN AND A HALF years, I got comfortable with what I knew and didn't get up and do the work like I should have, as I've loved doing, and have been fighting for since a professor told me she believed in me as I was leaving a different nursing program at a different school and the dean was saying I wasn't a good fit but that I should try public health. "Try public health", after I spent TWO years doing nothing but prerequisite classes and making friends and planning and waiting for the moment I finally got into the program just to have a bunch of wild stuff happen and end up failing 2 classes from the overwhelming stress. No. Absolutely not. So I transferred to my current school and went through some more prerequisite classes and finally! Finally! I was in the program and I was doing great! I made dean's list every other semester and some how survived COVID ruining my first semester of actual in hospital practice. I had a rough time with a professor or two (one in particular but that's a different story) and spent many nights staring at my textbooks wondering why I chose this and how I was supposed to remember it all. I got back into regular therapy sessions (thank the gods for free counseling services) and worked through the stress of school and home and finding my place and motivating myself to do better.

This past semester was tough, it was a lot of leadership skills, learning to conduct and understand research (basically mind-numbing tedium but important stuff) on top of my final medical-surgical/intensive/critical care class. The first eight weeks were lab and the same in hospital stuff I'd been doing the last few semesters just in the ICU. The next eight weeks we had preceptorship where we work alongside a nurse on a floor without our school assigned professor with us, usually at the hospital we wanted to work at so we had a foot in the door. I am kinda far from home and have yet to fully decide where I want to be when I graduate so I just picked the hospital closest to campus so I didn't have to go far and I was already working there as a safety sitter (observing mental health patients that were deemed a risk to themselves or others to make sure nothing happens). I started the semester already kinda tired and just ready to be done, I worked my ass off and I have poured all of myself into this for the last several years. About halfway through, right at the critical moment, I started losing all motivation and I couldn't get it back. I did the bare minimum for classes, I showed up to my preceptorship late several times, I sat and observed rather than always getting up and asking questions, and I just could not find it in myself to care. I cared about my patients, I wanted to help, but I couldn't, I have the skills and the knowledge but I was terrified of doing something wrong so I just watched.

I watched one paitent slowly fade the entire day as the family waited for another person to come, hoping she would last until he got there to say goodbye, not wanting to put her on comfort measures because they knew how fragile her situation was and when they finally couldn't stand to see her suffer anymore and put her on comfort, she was gone in less than five minutes. I watched a man get his breathing tube removed only to watch a nurse and anesthesiologist run in to re-intubate him a few hours later as he struggled to breathe. He only got worse and they brought machines in to do the work of his kidneys and heart externally as his family sat with him all day, just hoping he'd improve. I watched a woman, only a few years older than me with two kids, (one a baby, barely two months old) be prepared for organ donation after being declared brain dead from a freak accident where she had a massive blood clot in her lungs and collapsed, and ending up needing 2 rounds of CPR. I supported her arm so her baby could lay beside her for a while as her finace stood opposite and told me how excited she'd been about Halloween. I helped collect breast milk so that her baby could get those nutrients one last time and so that a ring could be made from it, just like she wanted. I stared more than once at the beautiful family pictures they'd just had done and brought in to remember what she was fighting for. I encouraged her fiance to go home and get some real rest for even just an hour or two for the first time since everything started on the day we knew she was scheduled for donation so he could be there to say goodbye. I helped wash and braid her hair to make her look more like herself. I stayed late to participate in her honor walk (where staff and family line the halls as the patient is wheeled to the elevator for donation, to honor the amazing gift they are giving but also to honor their life) and to watch the procurement. I cried quietly with the night nurse and held her hand as she remembered the loss of the fathers of her children also far too young as we slowly walked her past her family. I watched the donor coordinator hug her fiancé and promise to take care of her, and when they left a tiny vase of flowers behind, I clipped two and pressed them in my textbooks. I laughed with a patient about hearing the nursery jingle overhead among all the other noise of the floor and about how many extra laps he made around the unit after his heart surgery. I talked with another patient about his trip to the Philippines and how much he enjoyed the fruit and culture. But I didn't do my assessments without prompting, I waited and sat on my phone at the desk and I couldn't think through issues and plan well without help. As such, I ended up failing clinical and thus the class, meaning I couldn't graduate like I was planning this December.

This is all to say it was tough emotionally and mentally enough on its own but I was also already halfway into a self destructive spiral of depression without really noticing it. I noticed it as the seasons changed, as my cycle was starting or ending, and as the time to graduate grew closer and closer. I talked to my psychiatrist about it last week and she's put me on an additional medication to help with my recurring depressive episodes and my therapist is starting schema therapy with me at the start of the new semester to help with my recurring fear of failing. My amazing professor hugged me as I cried and even called the counseling office they day she told me I didn't pass. She placed me in her clinical group and is going to help me iron out these issues and I know that along with therapy and the new medication I will be able to achieve everything I have been fighting for. My amazing friends took a day to just wander the mall with me and spend time with me and they are rooting for me.

I don't tell this story for pity or sympathy. I tell it because of a girl I met the day I found out I didn't pass. I sat in the waiting room of the counseling office and the other girl was filling out her intake form as I talked to the secretary. When I said I didn't pass nursing, she started tearing up and said that she was in the same boat, only she was just starting. I asked if I could hug her, and when I saw her nod through my own teary eyes, I walked over and hugged her tight as we both cried. When I sat back down after a minute I just said "it sucks so bad, and it hurts so bad right now but if this is what you love, if this is what drives you, then you have to fight for it" and her smile made me smile on a day when I didn't think I could. That moment reminded me so clearly of the moment I decided to transfer and continue nursing because I realized that this is truly what I love and nothing is standing in my way except me. When I realized that, I got so frustrated and angry with myself because this is a pattern and I'm sick of it. I'm so excited for the new semester and to start on this new therapy with my new med. This past semester showed me that I actually really like the ICU and ER as well as renewing my interest in patient advocacy across the board.

I guess what I'm saying, for anyone who made it this far, is that life is bitch sometimes. It can hurt and it's gonna kick you when your down and pour salt in your open wounds and tell you to quit. And if you want to you can lay on the floor and lick your wounds, cause I sure as hell did, hell I encourage some time to cry and feel it out. But when you're ready, there's gonna be people there to help you stand up and figure it out. And who knows. Fingers crossed. One day. It could be me.

[nepenthendline]

S/O that self-harms and has an eating disorder -  Tsukishima, Tendou and Sugawara

TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD: SELF HARM AND EATING DISORDERS

I’m dumb and accidentally posted this half done so thats why the requests are in screenshots 

I’ve added these two requests together as they’re about the same topic. Firstly I just wanted to let anon though that I’m absolutely fine writing about these topics so you don’t need to worry! I will, however, make it extremely clear on these posts about the trigger warnings and I won’t go into intense detail so that it’s more accessible, I hope that’s ok! And thank you for your lovely words! 🥰🥰 I have added trigger warning tags for those who need to blacklist this, but please please let me know if you need me to add any others

I know there are so many people who are struggling with these issues, especially at the moment with covid, I’ve been there too and I’m still dealing with these things myself so I want you to know that if you need to talk to someone, or you’d like an emergency request, then my askbox and messages are always open. You are not alone, you are not ‘strange’ for dealing with these things, and I promise you things will get better, I’m already proud of any progress you have made and you should be too. It’s ok to have worse days and to fall back into negative spaces, you’re human!

Also, these will be following my own mental health hcs of these guys that I’ve already posted so check that out first!

Tsukishima:

Tsukishima is the one who understands this the most

he’s been there, he’s struggled with those things and he is still fighting

if you didn’t tell him upfront about your struggles, he would have easily found out by himself quite quickly

since he has been through it himself, he knows the warning signs to look out for, so when you start covering your arms more often even with the hotter weather, or make a passing comment that you aren’t hungry at meal times, he knows it’s his time to step up as a support system

he isn’t going to be particularly forward about it, he’s not the type to come up to you out of the blue and ask questions because he knows some of them can’t be answered, so he takes things into his own hands

he spends more quiet time with you, just the two of you cuddling in your bed as he brushes his fingers over your body

while it may seem like a usual calming display of affection, he is really searching your body for any marks or wounds that are new

he tries to coax your feelings and worries out of you, telling you that you can trust him and that he isn’t going to run away

he knows that he can’t expect you to open up without him doing so either, so he lays himself out for you

he tells you what he has been through, he shows you the scars on his body, he lets you into his heart and his head so that you know you aren’t alone

once you both spill your stories, you don’t talk about it much after that, you both know what is going on so it’s just a matter of taking care of each other

regarding food, he isn’t going to force you to eat huge meals, because he has a small appetite even when he’s eating perfectly fine

but he is going to try and get you eating little amounts consistently throughout the day

you don’t want to eat a full meal? that’s fine, but he is going to be passing you little snacks every few hours so that you at least have some fuel in your body

he’s a smart guy, he knows how the body functions at its best and he will do his best to teach you too in hopes that knowing what your body needs and how it reacts to certain situations will aid you to treat it better

he’s not going to wrap you up in bubblewrap and shield you from the world either, but he will do his best to make sure that there isn’t anything you can easily hurt yourself with in your reach

he’ll put sharp objects on the top shelves, saying it’s just to piss you off about your height

he also always keeps a first aid kit on him in case of emergencies, something he has gotten into the habit of over the last few years

he’s not going to sit there and tell you everything is going to be perfect or to just ‘get over it’, it’s going to be a long process with both of you learning and fluctuating every day, but you’ll both get there eventually

Tendou:

Tendou is extremely attentive, he knows exactly when your mood has changed or if something is wrong

he’ll leave it for a little while to see if you’ll come to him yourself, but if you don’t, then he’ll start asking questions

they start off as simple, casual questions to check up on you, like ‘how are you feeling today?’, ‘how was your day today?’, before they go into specifics if he feels like you aren’t being honest with him

he’s the type of guy that makes ‘jokes’ about his depression, even going as far as joking about suicide or self-harm, and when he notices you flinch ever so slightly at his words, he knew what was going on

he brings it up one day as if talking about the weather while reading manga together

“you’ve been hurting your own body, haven’t you?”

he tries to keep the conversations a light-hearted as possible, saying how you are now ‘scar buddies’ as he lifts up his shorts to show you his thighs

he understands that what he says isn’t really going to do much, but he’s still going to shower you with compliments and affection in the hopes that it brightens your mood and distracts you even a little

distraction is his main way of helping you - if he can keep you busy then there’s less chance of you hurting yourself in his eyes

he’s going to call you over or turn up to your room unannounced with a book in hand to read together, or invite you to cuddle with him as you have an anime binge session, he also wants to make sure you’re getting outside enough so walks to get ice-cream and sit in the park happen frequently

he knows he can’t ‘cure’ you or actually make things better, so he mentions about seeing a therapist if you aren’t already and he will support you every step of the journey if you do decide to seek help

like Tsukishima, he also has a smaller appetite in general so he doesn’t expect you to eat tons

he uses prompts often to try and get you to eat more, such as “babyyyy I’m hungry, let’s go down to the cafeteria together and get some food ok?” or “I bought this jumbo pack of ramen but I can’t eat it all myself, come give me a hand?”

he likes getting you sweet treats too, they often make him feel a little perkier so he hopes they will for you as well

he isn’t going to give them any details, but he will ask his team to keep an eye on you if he isn’t around

he likes to use rating systems with you to determined how you’re doing in the day, whether that be on a scale of 1-10, or texting him a particular emoji that signals if you’re having a bad day

he will never get mad or annoyed at you if you relapse, he understands its a journey that will have it’s ups and downs, but he always reminds you of how far you’ve come and how proud he is

Sugawara:

out of these three boys, Sugawara is the one who understands this the least

he’s never dealt with this issues himself, and he has never been around those who have besides those who struggle with anxiety

even though he can’t empathise, he is naturally an extremely caring person so he wants to do his best to understand

he reads up on self-harm and eating disorders to learn about how they originate, how to notice warning signs and what he can do to help you best

he comes to you a lot as well, asking if there is anything he should know or that he can do for you

while he may not notice these issues themselves straight away, he is always checking up on you in general so he can tell if there is something a little off

it breaks his heart to know that you intentionally harm yourself and it takes him a little while to wrap his head around it

he knows he can’t do much to help the issues you face directly, so he makes sure you are keeping up with more general self-care, such as showering, getting some little exercise everyday, indulging in your hobbies and talking to him and other friends

if you need to rely on him for a little while you’re trying to get back on your feet then that’s fine with him, he is more than happy to remind you to do things to take care of yourself and help you do them too

Sugawara is the most forward when it comes to you getting help from a doctor or therapist

he has a couple serious talks with you about how you need to find a method of battling this, whether that be therapy or medication

as much as he wants to be, he can’t take this away from you

he starts stocking his bag with emergency items too, things like bandages, healing ointment or any safe foods that you can eat

to help your eating, he does his best to make food become part of your regular routine in hopes that it will make eating become more familiar and less daunting

this means regular meal times and creating lists of safe foods with you that you feel you can eat better than others

he will do his best to make sure all your meals have the right nutrients for your body and also recommend you take vitamin supplements daily in case you have a bad eating day and cannot get them through your food

it frustrates him that he can’t do more for you, or that he can’t understand exactly how you feel, but he never shows you that

he will always have his arms open for you if you need support and he will never ever blame you for the struggles you deal with, he reminds you constantly that there will be better days and he is going to be with you through all of them

[captain-aralias]

Life stuff

this feels kind of weird, because i’ve never used my tumblr like this, but i would have written something on my livejournal, and i want people to know - i just dont want to have to tell people about it, or really talk about it at all. 

but i also wanted to write this, idk. 

(TW: impending death of a parent)

my mum has cancer. 

it’s a rare form of cancer, called peritoneal cancer, which is similar to but different from ovarian cancer - i think it mostly gets diagnosed (like my mum’s) when it’s too late to do anything about it. all the treatment has been palliative only i.e. letting her live as long and as comfortably as possible.

she was diagnosed in september last year - about a year ago, a few months after running the ‘virtual’ london marathon on the isle of wight, where she lives, and obviously deep in lockdown. 

as someone undergoing chemo, she was deemed extremely vulnerable to covid, and so she spent most of the early pandemic isolating. she also said she didn’t see any point in my brother and i visitng her, particularly given the risks, because we could talk via facetime - which is fair enough - all of which meant my brother and i didn’t go to visit her until May this year, after she’d done the first lot of chemo and was already doing much better again. 

a few months after that, we found out that while she’d responded really well to the chemo, her cancer wasn’t responding at all to the maintenance drugs that were suposed to stop it coming back, so she came off the drugs completely. medical advice was basically chemo is as effective whenever you do it, so you might as well enjoy your life for a while, we’ll monitor it every month, and when things start to get too bad, we’ll put you back in chemo. 

it’s friday tomorrow - so two fridays ago, i saw my mum in london after she’d just seen hamilton with her partner, graham. both of them loved hamilton. her hair had grown back, she seemed pretty normal. about a week later, she was in A&E - and she’s been in the hospital all week. she’s got a total bowel obstruction, which means she can’t eat and hasn’t eaten since last week.

now in a weird situation where there are a few tricky, difficult options (including being moved off the island back onto the mainland to a bigger hospital) that will mean that she stays alive long enough to get the chemo, which will probably get her back to hamilton-watching strength, or ... she could die really soon. like, in a few days. 

we can’t visit. her partner can’t visit because covid - there’s this really sad-making photo of him looking happy on the phone through a window to my mum, also on the phone, inside the hospital. 

i feel...

???? :( :( :( ....

i guess this is the main point of the post. i’m not writing this crying, i’m writing it pretty neutrally - because my brain isn’t really processing it right now, and mostly doesn’t process it. 

i did cry earlier today while on the phone to various people, and then i went back to work. i hate crying, i hate being sad, and i dont like people comforting me, because it makes me realise that i have something to be sad about. 

i’ve known she had cancer for a year. i haven’t been able to hang out with her most of that time. i would say, we are fairly close, although not nearly as close as some families. we don’t talk every week, but we talk regularly, and have seen each other regularly. 

i’m so incredibly privileged that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, even though i’m 35. i’ve never been to a funeral, which seemed like a major life win and now i think was a mistake, i should have gone to funerals for people i card about less to help get used to it. 

the literal only comparison i have to how i feel is when my cat Anton died suddenly  about 3 years ago - i handled it with a mix of not thinking about it, being intensely sad for as brief a period as i could, and probably by thinking about how sad my girlfriend was about it, and sort of sidestepping my own feelings in comparison. 

i remember when my last remaining grandparent died - and i was about 14 or something - i wasn’t sad for myself, i was only sad for her my dad being sad. for ages, i worried that i was not going to be sad enough about this - and i still sort of am. 

but i also passionately hate the idea of being sad and i know i’ll look to avoid it as much as possible, and try and get on with my life. 

i know my mum dying isn’t about me - when people write after death it’s about the person who died, obviously. that makes sense. but this post isn’t about my mum, who is a very cool person, much cooler than me - it’s about me. because i am self-obsessed and this is going to wreck my life for a while.

it’s weird, because i can see it on the horizon but it’s not happening yet. and i dont know whether that’s good or bad - i feel like it’s good, in a way. someone ages ago told me that the grieving period starts when you get the news. that seems very true to me - but also, i know that it’s going to ramp up, and so i’m like in the expectation of true grief right now. 

it’s sort of like she died, but also is still going to die, but also i can magically still talk to her. which is really nice, in a way, it’s like a second chance, because i know i didn’t reach out enough before she had cancer. and i’m aware enough of my own actions that i know this is what’s been going on in my head the past year - i should reach out more, because she has cancer, but i dont want to make it seem like i’m reaching out because she has cancer, even though she knows i know she has cancer....... and also, i’m busy writing this fic. /o\

the fact that she seemed to recover (even though my mum insisted on saying ‘i am not recovered, i’m going to die soon’ like several time as a day as a disclaimer) also totally messed with my head, because i knew logically - ok, it’s happening. but also, things seemed so normal when we speak. even when i called her today, and she hasn’t eaten for a week, it seemed normal. 

btw - i realised this week i had no idea how cancer killed people. my mum is a scientist and has looked up all kinds of things about what’s killing her; i’m clearly a simon snow and didn’t want to think about things i can’t help. if you’d asked me, i’d have said like... it poisons you or something, or blocks bloodflow to your brain. not what i think will actually do it which is.... starvation. or being too weak to survive being pumped full of the poison that is intended to kill the cancer. (that one i guess i could have predicted.) man - cancer sucks. i mean, we all knew it. 

(i failed to get into cambridge university at interview stage, many years ago. the man who interviewed me gave me some extremely memorable feedback, which is that i needed to dial back the ‘defensive irony’ - which i thnk in that context meant i put myself down and tried to make a joke of everything. i remember when i got the phonecall to say Anton, my cat, was dead, i literally did not know what to do with my voice - because my instinct was to try and make the vet feel better, and also to present myself as bright and capable, and yet this unexpected and devasting news had just come through. rainbow wrote something sort of similar because she’s a good writer, for shepard as he tells penny about his curse. i feel like that.) 

what else did i want to say? 

i thought i had more time. ‘hamilton’ will probably always be tied to this moment in my mind, because of how much i’ve spoken to my mum about it in the past few weeks (i sent her the remix - she liked it, she listened to it in hospital while trying to drink more than 100ml of fluids) but yeah - this is basically a line from hamilton here. whatever. don’t make me feel my own feelings, let me just quote things. i dont like my own feelings. (no, i dont want to go to therapy - they’d make me talk about my feelings all the time, i’m british for god’s sake.) 

i’m 35 - my mum is 68. i didn’t think she’d die this early or that i’d have to deal with this yet. but then i also don’t think bad things are ever going to happen to me - because mostly they haven’t, see above. i wear a mask and am double vaccinated because i’m not an asshole, but i dont really believe i’ll get covid because bad things don’t happen to me. i didn’t think my mum would die - maybe ever, but definitely not yet. she’s been retired a decade after teaching (science) and has enjoyed it. 

i thought i had time to not have kids yet - which is the other thing (like hamilton) that this moment is really tied up with for me. i feel like 35 is getting quite old, but also not that old to still not have kids, but intend to maybe have them. my feelings about kids were basically like - up until like 25, i thought, yes, definitely. i mean, before i had a realtiosnhip (22-ish), i just assumed i would probably have a het marriage and have kids etc, like people do, but after that we were still talking, yes, children at some point. 

didn’t prioritise it for a few reasons - none of my close friends had children until quite recently, so it just didn’t seem like an urgent thing in the way that it probably does for people with different friendship groups. waiting to be settled enough in a job to be able to take maternity leave without it feeling like a rip off for my employer. waiting for a good time in erin’s PhD writing cycle. and then pandemic. and then a few years ago, maybe as i turned 30, i thought - maybe we won’ have kids, because we still haven’t - and i vocalised that to erin. 

also, i know a lot of people are gay and have children, so it’s not like it’s a thing that is impossible at all, but it’s much much harder if you have to leave your home and your relationship in order to get a child. it has to be a very very conscious decisions. i have friend who are men who have good genes, but we’re not so close i want to ask them for their sperm/to be involved however remotely in making a child - and (i was surprised to discover) (what a lot of things i dont know anything about) you an’t really just buy sperm, it’s not truly legal except through a clinic. and it’s extremely expensive to get inseminated in a clinic, and the NHS don’t really do that, so you do have to pay it. i thought kids would be expensive after they were born, but not before. and i REALLY wanted a house, much much more than - i think even today - i’ve ever wanted a child. i REALLY wanted a house - and now we have a house, and it’s pretty good. but - that’s where the money went, until the pandemic - thanks pandemic - so now we do have some disposable cash at last, because i didn’t commute. 

but now erin is worried about climate change - and wheher it’s right to bring more children into the world, and other things. and.... i think i do want to be pregnant, it’s what i’m planning for - don’t leave this job (which admittedly i also really like, and pays me well - i dont thin i need to leave) because next stop maternity leave, but..... 

i don’t know whether i am thinking, time ot have kids because my best friend just had a baby (the baby’s name is horatio - for real, i actually love this name) (i also haven’t seen her or the baby except over skype, because anna - my friend - is, like my mother, also scared of pandemic) and my brain is like - ok, well, if anna is doing it, i guess the time is here 

AND - i know there’s a large part of me that was like, gotta be pregnant and ideally have the baby before my mum dies so she gets to see that she had a grandchild. my brother and i are both queer, btw, in case you were wondering - he’s considering whether he wants to transition right now (but is still happy with he/him pronouns) and - you may find this astonishing, but i genuinely don’t know whether he’d consider himself ace, or has been in relationships. he’s very private, he has OCD and is in therapy - but anyway, he’s probably not having kids anytime soon (i think!) and graham - my mum’s boyfriend/partner of 10+ years. -has grandchildren, but my extremely middleclass white (but definitely not conservative voters, always 100% not-tory) parents ended up with me and my brother.... and i don’t know, as i say, i don’t know whether my brain is saying ‘have kids before it’s too late’ - although i know by now that it will be too late. even if my mum recovers from this, this time, i don’t think i can produce a child before she dies - and she isn’t asking me too, she’s not like that, but i would have liked her to be there. i thought she would be. 

so - i’m thinking about that. also, about getting a dog. i really want a dog - although i don’t want to upset the three cats (one we’ve had for eight years or so, the other two we got after Anton died). it’s ALSO really hard and expensive to get a dog. you’d think with all these ‘a dog isn’t just for the pandemic, a dog is for life’ type adverts around, that it would be easy to adcidentally get a dog - i’ve looked! you ccan’t get a dog unless you have no cats and you’re super experienced and can take a dog with lots of trauma or medical problems, or you’re willing to pay thousands of pounds. like - even for a regular not even pedigree dog - at least a thousand. pedigree dog - several thousand. i dont want a puppy either - i want a dog. 

and - this is embarrassing to admit, but i’ve alrady told erin - i genuinely had a phase of being super annoyed when i’d read fics where someone just ‘got a dog’. it’s not that simple!!! it’s fiction, it doesn’t matter - chill out. the baby thing too - although weirdly not fics where magic meant it was possible to get a baby, weirdly it was smut. i had a brief week or so of crazy (and i don’t think i am that crazy) where i’d read about fictional semen and just be like - wtf, it’s so hard to get hold of that shit. (it’s not real, this isn’t real semen being wasted, calm down - and i dont even really know if i want kids, i might just think i do.) 

the other thing about the bad thing being soon but not yet (but also being all the time, but not if you dnt think about it) is that i’m thinking - should i prioritise writing my remix now, in case my mum dies and i’m too sad to do it, and then i didn’t do my remix? i was definitely thinking this while writing classroom politics (i hope my mum doesn’t die becaue i dont want to be too sad to miss the deadline) and in the run up to AWTWB .....

today i wrote a list of things for work that would need to be picked up if i have to unexpectedly stop working, either because i’m too sad, or because i have to do funeral stuff, or .... i guess legal stuff about settling the estate. (i guess this happens to a lot of people, too, but it’s also a bit of a mindfuck that my brother and i will inherit her house and a bunch of cash when she dies - i’m pretty well off, my brotehr does virtual reality theatre stuff so really isn’t - we’ve talked about how much easier both of our lives will be with a huge injection of cash, and how we dont know what to feel about that) (great news, dogs and kids are really expensive! time to find out whether i really wanted to spend my money on those.) told people i like at work that it’s coming, and that i dont want to talk about it. and mostly just... carrying on with life, really. until it happens. 

it’s so weird how easy it is to carry on most of the time.i know my mum’s partner is not doing nearly so well - he has to cope with an empty house and he’s retired. i’ve had periods - including right now - where i wake up every morning and check my phone to see whehter someone called me or texted me to tell me it’s over. but most of the day i’m actually really fine. i even had an ok day today. and i don’t know whether i want that to be the case, or whether i shouldn’t let myself do that. i dont know what i should prepare for in terms of where i’ll be - will i want lots of stuff to distract me (this is my guess) and work is very good for that, or i will want to clear time and space because i can’t operate and dont want people to offer me comfort. (FYI - this post isn’t written to make people say anything to me, i definitely dont want to talk about it, so please don’t feel you either have to comment or check in on me - i don’t really want you to. it’s enough to have written it, in my own time, in my own space.)

i think i wanted to write this post in a way because i thought i probably wouldnt want to write it after my mum died - because i probably wouldn’t want to say anything about it at all, for a few years. 

my mum keeps telling me about the show ‘jane the virgin’ - which she’s half way through. shhe asked me to give it a try, so i did (she often tells me about shows on radio 4, which i rarely listen to. i thouht i had more time.) i’ve watched an episode (because she has cancer, i should listen to her recommendations)(but i dont want her to know that’s why i did it) and i do quite like - it’s light and frothy and well cut together (although about kids and artificial insemination, of course). i guess in a worse case scenario where i’m too sad to work or write, i will probably watch a lot of this show - which is incredibly not sad - and feel sad about how my mum never finished it. 

BUT ALSO SHE MIGHT BE OK. for a while. 

i dont know how i feel, blargh. anyway. this was a long post. i think i wrote it mostly for me. feelings are weird. covid really sucks and so does cancer. 

going to order some chicken and watch inuyasha.

[secondpubertyscene]

8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

[deans-asscot]

LatAm Dub Voice Actor Panel: Translation/Transcript

Hello all, I have taken it upon myself to translate the panel with Guillermo (Memo) Rojas: Dean's LatAm Voice Actor. There is a lot of confusion and I think it's best if you read for yourself to come to your own conclusions. The translator in the panel failed to translate important things and also added in her own opinions/interpretations. I also think there were times when they were talking about different things. I don't blame her, because I'm sure she was nervous/excited and live translating is hard! I would like to thank her for doing  the panel and trying to get us answers! I have added my own opinions/notes in red. I have included some time stamps so you can follow along in the video. I tried to focus on all the important parts regarding the dubbing and also useful background info. Please note that everything is translated by me except for the Translator's own translations, I left those in English as she said it. I apologize if there are any mistakes, I did my best.

[9:54]

Memo: I got covid in the last two... I don’t remember if I got it during.. uh, during.. the last episode of the season or during the special or during both. I have doubts, cuz I still haven’t recorded them. I have to record them from what I understand.

[Translator translates]

[10:37]

Translator: [Spanish] We’re going to start with the easy questions. Because there’s one... I’m not sure if you know but you guys in the Mexican dub broke the internet. 

Memo: Yes

Translator: [Spanish] Oh, you already know?

Memo: Yeah, sorry to interrupt you. A lot of people reached out to me and I feel bad not being able to, broadly speaking, answer all of their questions. But I was in the middle of my covid situation and a tracheal situation where I couldn’t talk without choking. Now I’m working in therapy with this situation. And if that wasn’t complicated enough it seems like I have 2 sequels: one is confirmed the 2nd not yet. So I couldn’t respond to EVERYone that was reaching out to me on the internet. From various means, from Insta, Facebook, Youtube. Actually a very old channel that I’ve never used. With respect to the situation with Dean and the other guy.

[11:49]

Translator: [Spanish] How different is the process between directing for live action and directing for animation? And which do you prefer?

Memo: Okay, so what’s the difference between one and the other: basically, you can say that it’s a little similar. Because we’re talking about a certain quality that we have to respect or give, in this case. There are guidelines [interrupted by Translator] that we have to follow.

[12:10]

Translator: [translates] It’s very similar because we have to give the same quality in both senses. There is a process that we have to follow.

Memo: Yes, correct. Now the guidelines are usually given to us by the production company, in this case, what we call the client.

Translator: [translates] The lines are given by the producer house or what we call the client.

[12:31]

Memo: In this case, so we have to stick to the guidelines that they ask for. The ones which go hand in hand in regards to the production that is being worked.

Translator: [translates] We have to follow the rules. Which go hand in hand with the kind of production we are doing, either animation or live action.

Memo: Yes, actually, saying that both are the same would be lying to you. Because we could have 2 live actions and they’re not the same. Guidelines: there are basic technical points to follow but when it comes to acting and theatrical production, they change.

[13:03]

Translator: [translates] I would be lying to say they are the same because if you  have two different live actions they are going to have different procedures. So when you are acting them that is when the change come in.

Memo: The greatest difference I could tell you would be the technical points to follow in each of them. And for the acting part, in this case, it would be to give 100% from each and every one of us.

Translator: [translates] and uh, in the technical those are the differences but in the acting sense I can tell you that  the important thing is to give 100% every single time.

[...talk about other acting jobs...]

[17:42]

Memo: [Talking about the show 911] I don’t think there’s a piece that I enjoyed more watching being dubbed by a translator and directed by Fogatry. Who has an amazing gift to not only direct but also adapt dialogues. And there has been great synergy working on this series and others that he has done me the favor of supporting me as an actor to give me roles. And that I enjoy doing a lot. Not only his directing but also... I don’t know we have a certain synergy so he can direct me and I can act how he indicates and he makes me feel it, you know? It’s... it’s something interesting.

Translator: [translates] It is one of the series I most enjoy as... I also  enjoy to be directed by Fogarty because of special synergy. He makes me feel the characters better so we work very well when he directs me.

Memo: Yes, I sincerely love working with him.

[...talks about voice acting...]

[19:51]

Translator: [Spanish] Well now that you already mentioned the guidelines, and I mentioned in the beginning: comes the big questions. What were the guidelines in that final line in Supernatural that broke the internet?

Memo: Its a curious thing because... because I don’t even think the director nor the translators had any idea of the tendency (inclination) that existed. Because there wasn’t information that said previously that something like that could happen.

Translator: [translates] It is very funny because neither the director nor I had any idea of what was coming. We didn’t know that something like that could happen.

[...talks about his birthday and eating cake...]

[20:52]

Memo: Yes, so uh, being honest, when we recorded it, it was very like, “blink blink (squints)” [takes off glasses and looks confused] “What’s going on? What’s happening?” But, we did it, you know? But none of us in the production team saw anything in him during filming that would say something like that.

Translator: [translates] When we saw it, it was like a blinking moment and we did it. But at the time we never thought that it would happen./ [Spanish] And here I have to ask for clarification. Because obviously we are referring to the fact that Castiel confessed to Dean after ...12 years... of intense stares. [Memo laughs] But the main question is Dean’s response. Because everyone heard, in your voice, very clearly “y yo a ti” (and I, you).

Memo: [same time] “Y yo a ti” (and I, you).

Translator: [Spanish] where did that “Y yo a ti” (and I, you) come from? Was it in the script? Was it you? What happened there?

[21:50]

Memo: The adaptation was completely from my director. And the guidelines for acting came from him and I did what he asked me to do.

Translator: [translates] Everything was...okay everybody I asked about “and I you” I know that Tumblr was waiting for this moment. And he says, everything came from the director. He adapted it, he gave me the guidelines. It was his fault.

(Note: Memo only knows what his director told him. Adaptation = edited translated script for lip synch etc.)

[others laugh]

[22:16]

Memo: But we all love him. We all loved it. We never saw it coming so directly.

Translator: [translates] But everybody loved it everybody wanted it at the end. We didn’t see it coming so directly but it was great.

[22:28]

Memo: If we remember correctly, from the length of all of Supernatural we rarely see a situation where Dean is seen being involved with a woman. It didn’t happen. Unlike his brother.

Translator: [translates] If we remember all the seasons of Supernatural, we never saw Dean romantically involved with a woman unlike his brother./ [Spanish] Here I will just correct you as a fan, it did happen a few times but it was before your times. (He started voicing Dean after season 12.)

[22:52]

Memo: Yes, it was before my time but it was never more than a general empathy.

Translator: [translates] Yeah it was before me but it was never farther than a general empathy.

Memo: He was never involved. Neither directly nor [cut off]

Translator: [translates] He was never involved, not completely.

Memo: It wasn’t his thing, right?

Translator: [translates] It wasn’t his.

[23:10]

Memo: Especially, because we can compare him with his brother.

Translator: [translates] Especially because we can compare him with his brother.

Memo: We remember the last relationship he had in the last 2 season.

Translator: [translates] We remember his relationship that he had in the last 2 seasons./ Uh, Eileen, the deaf woman.

Memo: Exactly, with Eileen, that was really intense. And [gets cut off] at the end.

Translator: [translates] Was very tense and painful at the end.

[23:33]

Memo: Dean basically didn’t suffer that. Like for me, to a certain point they tied him more emotionally with the fact that he lost his mother...more than once.

Translator: [translates] With Dean, he didn’t suffer what Sam did, because he was emotionally more tied with the fact that he lost his mom more than once.

Memo: Yeah, so uh [gets cut off]

Translator: [Spanish] We have a question. So  it’s not a “rogue translator”, it’s a “rogue director”? Says [asker’s name].

Memo: uh... yeah yeah, I’m seeing it [the comment] yeah [laughs] Look, Fogarty has a tendency... Fogarty has really intense abilities. [gets cut off]

Translator: [translates] Fogarty has an intense ability.

Memo: Yeah and one of them is adapting the dialogues.

Translator: [translates] And one of them is to adapt dialogue.

[24:16]

Memo: When you see a piece that Fogarty translates and he manages to adapt when he has time to do it, even if he won’t direct it, and he’ll leave it for you in Spanish.

Translator: [translates] You see a work by Fogarty when he is going to translate even if he is not going to direct and he leaves it in Spanish.

Memo: So, the dialogue goes like this, if I remember correctly, it said “tambien yo (me too)” or it said something like that.

Translator: [translates] The dialogue said, if I remember correctly, “tambien yo” “and so do I”. If I remember correctly.

Memo: Exactly. And then we changed it to “Y yo a ti” (And I, you).

Translator: [translates] And then we changed it into “Y yo a ti” “and I, you”.

Memo: For the effect of lip syncing, rhythm, and more things.

Translator: [translates] Because of the formation of lip vowels and other things./ Before you came in I explained it as a translator. My absolute hate for the lip... [Spanish] my hate for the lip syncing.

[25:12]

Memo: [laughs] Yeah, it’s an impressive topic to discuss. Now a days with the speed of production that we have it’s difficult to give attention to that part. Which we should, that much is very clear to me of course. But not all of us have the ability that Fogarty has in that sense specifically. We don’t have the speed that Fogarty has to adapt like that [snaps fingers](to adapt fast).

Translator: [translates] Uh, we don’t have the time now a days to do it, we should but we can’t. But we don’t have all the...brain cells and the speed that Fogarty has to make those changes.

Memo: We all have different abilities. And when we work together, but well not everyone pitches in all of the different abilities that they have, and Fogarty does his part.

Translator: [translates] we all have different skills and when we work together we all put all job there, and Fogarty does his part.

Memo: We all need a Fogarty in every company.

Translator: [translates] [laughs] We need a Fogarty in every, in every enterprise... in every company./ [Spanish] I have to make a pause cuz you saw my cat pass by...

[...talks about her cat hating Sam...]

[...redirected to comments...]

[27:35]

Translator: [reads comment in English] They are asking a lot about if you know what Dean said in the original English Script before Fogarty got his hands on it. [translates to Spanish] If you know what was on the original script before Fogarty changed it?

Memo: Again. What? [Did not hear/or did not understand the question]

Translator: [Spanish] If you know what the original script said. What it said originally.

[28:00]

Memo: Yes, If I remember correctly... yeah, yeah, it was... it was something allusive, WOW, it was totally correct of course. [get’s cut off]

Translator: [translates] it was uh...

Memo: “y tambien yo” (and me too) or “tambien yo a ti” (And I, you as well) it said something like that. [gets cut off] (so its difficult to understand what he says next but sounds like “unmistakable, unmistakable”)

Translator: [Spanish] Ladies, the original script said “yo tambien” (me too) okay so [name] asks if you listened to the original while dubbing?

Memo: Yes, of course.

(NOTE: I think for Memo, the “original script” was the first Spanish draft before they adjusted/adapted for lip synch and what not.)

Translator: [Spanish] No. Say that (unclear) [laughs] yeah

[28:30]

Memo: No, immediately I would’ve been like [takes off glasses and leans in] “What?”

Translator: [Spanish] Yeah, yeah. What happens is that. Supernatural has a very intense, very loyal fandom. As you can see now [points to the comments] so it’s been uh...which the change brings the big question [gets cut off]

Memo: [reading comment in English] Someone translate it! [laughs]

Translator: [Spanish] What was your favorite episode to dub for Supernatural?

Memo: With my short term memory, this last  episode.

Translator: [translates] So I asked him which one was his favorite Supernatural uh Episode to dub and he said that with his short term memory, the last one

Memo: It’s cuz, it says a lot, it says a lot.

Translator: [translates] It says a lot.

[29:19]

Memo: It says a lot. In one scene it says everything.

Translator: [translates] In a scene it says it all.

Memo: So it’s very impressive, it’s really nice. I never... I never saw it coming. Never saw it coming.

Translator: [translates] I never saw it coming. But it was beautiful.

Memo: Yeah, yeah

[...talks about breaking Tumblr, Dean finally getting a dog, Memo watching Supernatural...]

[31:40]

Translator: [Spanish] Once more, you broke the internet. And they’re asking: if the original script said something in regards to Dean’s feelings for Cas, [Memo says “no”] or was it all added in by the director Fogarty?

[31:54]

Memo: no, no, no. Actually the original booklet that we had never had any indication that told you that he was in love or that he reciprocates the love and that they knew. No. Nothing. Really, that phrase was what topped off the entire series.

(NOTE: I think Memo is talking about the first Spanish script he saw and all the previous scripts, saying he saw no indication UNTIL that one line.)

Translator: [translates] Okay guys. I’m going to go slow with this so it’s put to rest. No. The original did not say it. It was not... stated clear. With the last phrase was what concealed the whole series. The whole thing.

Memo: None of us saw it coming.

Translator: [translates] No one saw it coming.

Memo: No.

Translator: [translates] No one saw it coming but... it was the director adding it because that was what made sense. (NOTE: Memo never said this part about the director!!!)

[32:46]

Memo: Actually, when they started to bombard me with a bunch of questions on the internet, I started to investigate what happened, right? And yeah, I saw clearly, how the director and the writer decided to take a very hidden tendency with respect to them both. In various scenes, in very, very simple dialogues. In which they made that like allusion that they both had feelings for one another. But it was so, so faint that almost no one noticed it.

(NOTE: I think Memo is referring to the English writers/directors and the questions people asked him were in regards to being surprised that Dean reciprocates.)

Translator: [translates] He is saying that uh what the director... the dubbing director saw that... the director in English were creating this love story but it was so subtle and so “tenue (faint/dim)”... so discrete that no one saw it coming./ Which brings us to the fact that yes, this man is a heller.

[33:41]

Memo: I think that it’s clear to all of us that the fact that it broke the internet with this information, it was a surprise for absolutely everyone. Because well, we would all say, right, that if you want to be a real man, you gotta be like Dean.

(NOTE: I think Memo thinks that people were shocked Dean reciprocated because everyone views him as a manly man. I don’t think Memo is referring to the English/Spanish dubbing differences.)

Translator: [translates] I think that with the great effect.../ hold on [Spanish] You are going to break the internet again with this.[laughs] [translates] Okay I think that we... have to see this is... that how we can because after all everybody says that if you want to be a real man you have to be like Dean Winchester./ And Dean Winchester is in love with Castiel. [laughs]

[34:35]

Memo: And to me... it’s... actually it’s something really beautiful for me. Because it doesn’t have to do with gender it has to do with the feelings. And it... it was a marvelous play made by the writers. Marvelous. Marvelous. You didn’t see it coming. And look at that, you liked it.

Translators: [translates] I believe... that it’s very beautiful it was a play by the original writers, by the American workers, that you didn’t see coming but when you see it, you like it. And you end up loving it.

Memo: Yeah

Translator: [reads comments in Spanish] Um, we have 2 questions. One is from [name] that asks if something got left out of the translation?...

Memo: No.

Translator: [Spanish] No, nothing. [translates] Nothing was out of the translation. [Spanish] And the other is that they ask if they ever called you back to rerecord that “Y yo a ti” (and I, you)?

Memo: No.

Translator: [translates] No./ The “Y yo a ti” isn’t going to be redubbed people, calm down.

Memo: [laughs] No

Translator: [English] He was not called to remake the dubbing.

Memo: No... no, no, no. It’s clear to me that my director understood perfectly the context of that text.

Translator: [translates] It is very clear that the director understood perfectly the texture of this text./ [Spanish] I have a question. From experience, because at one point I got to dub, I got to translate, dub some lines, not that controversial... but very complicated that the client returned it. The client, when he heard it he said, “No, we can’t do this” Okay the line was, you’re gunna see why they returned it: “I’ve listened to jazz since I was a sperm in my father’s testicle.”

Memo: Okay [laughs]

Translator: [Spanish] So... so the client told us, “No, change it.”

Memo: What did the original say?

Translator: [Spanish]  That’s what the original said!

Memo: [English] So, what?

Translator: [Spanish] It was in Japanese, but that’s what the original said. Uh but since it was for “kids” because it was anime, they returned it.

Memo: Ohh, okay, okay, okay. Maybe they asked you to smooth it over like “I’ve listened to jazz since before I was born” and that’s it.

Translator: [Spanish] Exactly. So my question is do you know if Supernatural has a quality control from Warner?

[36:52]

Memo: I would be lying if I said yes. But I have worked with Warner for a long time as an actor and director. And some very specific works like superhero type and things like that might have a filter like that. But series like Supernatural... I honestly doubt it. I think that the delegations and decisions on these situations would be totally up to the director.

Translator: [translates] Okay, so I asked him if there was quality control for Supernatural in specific and Memo tells me that he doesn’t believe so./ [Spanish] Okay, now comes the big questions cuz you broke the internet. [looks at comments] um, these are going really fast, ladies. Two people ask if you acted Dean as someone who was always in love with Castiel this whole time or did it surprise you  too?

[37:46]

Memo: No. Never. Same (also surprised).

Translator: [translates] No, it was a surprise.

Memo: Actually, I’m going to be very sincere with you guys. For me, Saying to a friend I care a lot about... to someone I care a lot about... to someone of the same gender, I tell them “Te amo (I love you).” I don’t have a problem with that.

Translator: [translates] I’m going to be very truthful with you. If I have a friend, a very close friend of my same gender I will tell him “Te amo” (I love you) and I don’t have any problems.

Memo: So, I felt it in that way. Honestly.

Translator: [translates] I felt it for that side./ [Spanish] And then you found out that no. (In regards to it not happening in English).

Memo: uh huh, exactly [laughs] “Hey, what happened?” [jokes]

[...talks about Jensen on The Boys, using Facebook...]

[40:42]

Translator: [reads comment in Spanish] Guillermo, what’s your opinion, now with all that you know, about the relationship that Dean has with Cas?

Memo: Okay, it was a revelation for everyone. Including me.

Translator: [translates] It was a revelation, first.

Memo: I love how they did it. Because nobody saw it coming. Not even us, who record it.

Translator: [translates] I love him.. I love how it.. how it come cuz no one saw it coming, not even we that we are recording it.

Memo: And I think that with all the personality and the psychology that we have of the character, we can reason that if someone knows how to hold back their feelings, it’s Dean Winchester.

Translator: [translates] And we can tell by the psychology of the character that if there was someone that knew how to keep his feelings at bay, was Dean Winchester.

[... talk about co-star, deep voice, and Memo not seeing the finale yet until he records it...]

[...he’s asked to say “Hello, Cas” in Dean’s voice if Cas were to return from the Empty...]

[44:40]

Memo: Oh, It’s assumed that I told him I loved him too, as long as he didn’t come back! [jokes]

[...talk about his ideal finale of a peaceful happy ending for TFW...]

(In conclusion I don’t think Memo saw the original English script. And to him the “original script” is the first Spanish draft before they adjust for lip synchs. He thinks his director is great and did his job correctly. Memo’s shock was in Dean being in love with Cas (not necessarily the dubbing discrepancies) but he understood why it happened once he researched and saw all the hidden allusions left by the writers. I don’t think adding “rogue director” to the discourse is helpful because I don’t think Memo knows either. Here is a link to the director’s dubbing fandom page (it’s in Spanish): Adrian Fogarty.)

[finding-hope-strength-courage]

Driving OCD Progress - 21/06/2021

Background

I find this quite difficult to write about because I'm embarrassed and ashamed about it. I fear being judged and people thinking I'm crazy. I'm aware my worries and Anxiety around this are irrational but that isn’t how OCD works. It plays on your worst fears, doubts and the “but what if?”

My first obsessive thought linked to driving was actually during my first driving test (which I failed). Afterwards I got obsessed with this one part of the test where I was paranoid I'd gone over the speed limit by a couple of miles an hour (I still don’t know if I actually did or not) and was worried about a speed camera, I remember even ringing my driving instructor at the time and she reassured me it should be fine and the camera I drove past was a traffic surveillance one.

I passed my driving test towards the end of 2011 on my 3rd attempt. I was incredibly nervous each time and thought I'd never pass because of my anxiety but I managed to. During the test I passed I actually talked to myself throughout the test and went through my thought processes out loud to keep me calm and ensure I didn’t forget anything. The examiner was fine with this and said it helped him to see and hear my thought processes.

After I passed and began driving on my own I felt this huge sense of responsibility. To start with I got a bit obsessed with paranoia about speeding and breaking rules like stopping in a yellow box / running a red light. I’d have to consciously check my speed whenever I went past a speed camera even though I wasn’t speeding but I needed to consciously remember so I could tell myself I hadn’t in my mind. I remember once being in traffic and I ended up stopped in a yellow box and panicking inside until we started moving again. I don’t think I was even stopped in it that long but afterwards I started reading the consequences and trying to look if any cameras had caught me stopped in it. I just got obsessed with it.

Before long my obsessions turned to pedestrians and I became paranoid with accidentally hitting anyone whilst driving or cyclists or causing an accident somehow and not knowing about it. It’s embarrassing to even admit this because I know it must sound a bit weird. The few people who I've been able to talk to about this over the years have been very understanding and reassured me that I'd know if something happened. My mind though plays tricks on me and I just feel this sudden wave of anxiety of “what if I accidentally hit that pedestrian and didn’t realise?” This has caused me to re drive routes sometimes countless times and take me a lot longer to get home than it should do. Other people in my life have driven me to check routes too in the past to help ease my anxiety.

I have had counselling I the past a couple of times of this side of my Anxiety and OCD. I also had medication in the past to help reduce the intensity of my OCD and Anxiety. It’s been a long and complicated illness and one that’s difficult to talk about for fear people will think I'm crazy.

Current Progress

When I became pregnant in 2019 I vowed to work even harder on my OCD and Driving Anxiety and was having counselling during this time. I worked hard with Exposure Therapy and keeping a kind of diary of my drives and when I checked etc.

After our daughter was born I told myself I needed to keep strong and work on my driving and not check so she’d not pick up on things as I'd feel so guilty if she did. I only drove a couple of times on my own at the beginning of 2020 before the pandemic and managed not to check but then I didn’t drive again until later in the summer. I managed to not check the handful of times I drove then too. In December 2020 though I was struggling with my self esteem a lot and pressure with my Anxiety in general as I was trying really hard to work on my fears about the pandemic and do more again. This in turn actually made my Anxiety around driving worse too for some reason and I had to check a couple of drives I did which left me feeling a bit rubbish and like I wasn’t making progress.

I did one more drive in December before Christmas to see a close friend and someone I can actually talk to about these difficulties. I was able to talk about it all before I left to drive home and that really helped me drive home without needing to check.

I didn’t drive again after that for another few months because of the 3rd Lockdown in January. I told myself it was like a fresh start when I started driving again after the lockdown and to just keep trying to not let the obsessions get the better of me. I was really worried because I hadn’t driven for so long again but I’ve actually managed to not check the past couple of months since I've been driving again! It’s been tough but somehow I am fighting really hard!

Progress Breakdown

Last Route I Checked - Driving Home  from A Country Park on 14/12/2020

Routes I’ve Driven Without Checking Since:

15/12/2020 - Drove to and home for a walk with a friend.

28/04/2021 - Drove to and home from a Farm.

02/05/2021 - Drove to and home to see a friend/family.

05/05/2021 - Drove to and home from a walk at a Reservior.

06/05/2021 - Drove to and home from a Country Park.

09/05/2021 - Drove to and home from a Country Park.

10/05/2021 - Drove to and home from a Country Park.

11/05/2021 - Drove to and home from a Country Park.

11/05/2021 - Drove to and home from a Garden Centre.

12/05/2021 - Drove to and home from going out for lunch.

15/05/2021 - Drove to and home from watching my husband doing a sporting activity.

20/05/2021 - Drove to and home from a Farm.

27/05/2021 - Drove to and home from a Farm. (My Step-Mum was following though as she came with us but drove separately in her car).

27/05/2021 - Drove to and home from having my Covid Vaccine.

02/06/2021 - Drove to and home from a Country Park.

03/06/2021 - Drove to and home from a Garden Centre.

07/06/2021 - Drove to and home from going out for lunch.

14/06/2021 - Drove to a shop to drop off a roof box we borrowed, then to my Step-Mum’s and then back home.

15/06/2021 - Drove to and home from swimming.

20/06/201 - Drove to drop our cats at a cattery, then drove to the cemetery to visit my Dad’s grave, then to my Step-Mum’s and then home again.

Seeing it written down like this makes me feel I'm making more progress than I realise. In the past I'd have struggled to write more than one or two routes before I had then needed to check another route. I so nearly gave in yesterday and even started driving round the roundabout again to go back and check but I just told myself no and kept on driving, it was so incredibly hard but I'm hoping it’ll all be okay. I just tell myself this is the only way I can get better. It’s draining but maybe I'm making progress with my recovery, finally! Just got to keep fighting.

[jswdmb1]

Identical

I don't just know you, I've grown like that too...

If I don't dislike you, I'm withdrawn, unrighteous too...

I’m no prophet, I'm your friend

Take my advice, make your mistakes”

- Phoenix

Every four years, the PBS series “Frontline” presents an episode called “The Choice”.  It presents the two candidates running in that particular presidential election.  But, it is not a show about the current campaign, policy issues or even the politics behind the particular candidates.  It is instead a personal biography of each candidate up to the point of the current election told chronologically.  The show portrays each individual’s story back and forth as the years go on that allow the viewer to both understand the people behind the front their campaigns present, but also provides a unique opportunity to compare and contrast the two candidates.  I have watched this particular episode of Frontline in every presidential election dating back to 2000, and I find it to consistently be the single best source of information for me to decide (or confirm) which candidate I am to support in that year’s election.

I was going to pass on this year’s version as I didn’t think there was anything I could learn about either man, and my choice is already made, but I watched anyway.  I have to admit that I was surprised to pick up nuggets of information that were new to me such as that Joe Biden’s first wife and daughter were killed six weeks after his election to the Senate for the first time, or that Donald Trump’s mother fell ill when he was very small and was effectively absent for his nurturing years.  Those are facts that seemingly are unimportant when weighing which man to support in a presidential election, but I think we have all found out in the last four years that an individual’s personality, temperament, and morality are just as important as their stance on any issue or their knowledge of the inner workings of government.  In the example of this year’s election, it finally crystallized the stark difference between Joe Biden and Donald Trump that has made my decision for whom to vote so easy.

Let’s start with the challenger Biden.  If there are two things that are clear about Joe, it is 1) he makes a lot of mistakes, and 2) he has overcome quite a bit of adversity of the years whether they are of his own doing or not.  You can watch the show to see the examples of both, but Biden’s approach to problems in his life has been remarkably consistent.  First, he acknowledges the problem exists and that he has responsibility to address it.  Next, if it was a problem of his own doing, he owns up to it.  Often times, he does this quite clumsily and occasionally makes things worse, but he does, at a minimum, take responsibility.  Finally, once it is out there, he puts his head down and gets to work with an amazing ability to ignore the long odds that he may face or the chirping he hears in the background about how badly he messed up and/or how he will never make it right.  He simply has a fundamental belief that humans make mistakes and he is no exception to that rule.  At times, it would be refreshing if he demonstrated better that he learns from some of these mistakes so as not to repeat them, but there is at least a good faith effort even if the execution at times is mediocre.

There is no need to go into detail how Trump behaves whenever he is faced with a problem and it is well documented that he never admits to making a mistake (and likely doesn’t even believe he has ever made one).  There are daily examples of this behavior and running through the list at this point is massively unappealing.  What I do find interesting is why he is this way.  The show goes into great detail about the influence three men have had on his life. The first is his father Fred.  We all know his background and his ruthlessness in business and within his personal relationships and this was applied to each of his sons.  The first, Fred Jr., bristled at the notion of going into the family business, and became an airline pilot instead (a decision for which both father and brother Donald would mock him mercilessly and drove him to alcoholism and an early death).  Fred Sr. then set his sights on son #2 who was more than willing to take up the cause.  After a stint in military school that hardened his outlook on life and reduced what little emotional capacity he had, he moved into his father’s footsteps and practiced the approach that personal gain is everything and little else matters.

The second man was a lawyer named Roy Cohn.  Cohn rose to fame in the 1950s as Joseph McCarthy’s hatchet man in the blacklisting of innocent American citizens for unfounded (and mostly false) accusations of communism.  Despite the shame eventually brought upon him for that role, he rose to become one of the most powerful attorneys in New York.  A client of his was a young Donald Trump and Cohn taught him three things that helped him rise from the ashes: 1) deny anything that makes you look bad as even having happened 2) attack those that bring these things up and deflect the blame elsewhere, and 3) never take responsibility for your actions unless there is a transactional gain that serves you.  This has been Donald Trump’s blueprint his entire life and it can be found in his business, his marriages, and certainly his presidency.  He literally has never operated in a manner that is different in any aspect of his life, so the fact that this has come through during his time in the White House should be surprising to no one who witnessed him before his election.

The final man was the Rev. Norman Vincent Peale who was the pastor at the church Donald Trump attended for over 50 years.  Peale’s claim-to-fame was the publishing of a book The Power of Positive Thinking and the Trumps followed it like their bible.  Boiled down, the main tenant of the book was that one must think positively at all costs and negative thoughts must be barred from the mind or success cannot be achieved.  That seems okay on the surface, but it becomes a problem when situations require more effort than simply a good thought and a wish that it goes away.  This clearly explains Trump’s complete inability to handle the COVID-19 pandemic.  Even though he obviously intellectually understood the severity and danger of the virus from his recordings on the Woodward tapes, this brainwashing of Peale on the Trump family made it impossible for Donald to acknowledge that the problem existing in any way.  When combined with Cohn’s teachings on taking no responsibility and Fred Sr.’s example of bulldozing past anyone who disagrees with you (like a scientist or doctor), the end result of his response makes a lot of sense.  It’s why even when catching the disease himself, he views it as a positive event that only he could dream up.

I do find it curious that I spent three long paragraphs on Trump with only one brief paragraph on Biden, but that meshes with each approach they have on the basic issues of life as a human being which is confronting adversity and accepting that we do make mistakes.  Biden’s approach is simple and to the point, sometimes to a fault.  Trump has this complicated troika of mad men’s teachings running through his head when problems come up and it is no wonder he is paralyzed with inaction when it comes time to do something about it.  For me, this is the defining trait between the two men that seems to tower over everything else about them personally or this election in general.  The question then is what do we do with this information.

I’m certain it is obvious which way I am going to go, but it may surprise you why.  You see, I have struggled myself with some of these same issues that each man has faced.  Up until a few years ago, I actually would describe myself as really being more Trump-like in my approach to life than I really care to admit.  I rarely acknowledged I was wrong and often blamed others for problems that were within and could only be solved by the guy responsible for them in the first place – me.  This attitude prevented me from seeing what was the real root of my unhappiness and depression and did not allow for me to acknowledge that my drinking and moderate drug use had become a problem.  It wasn’t until everything broke down and I ended up in an intense six-week program of therapy and deep soul searching that I discovered that mistakes we make are what builds us up and not what tears us down.  Granted, we need to learn from those mistakes to become better people and achieve great things, but admitting responsibility is the only path to doing either of those things.  I know now after a few years that I will never get things totally right, but I can get up each day and at least try to improve on the one before.  At a minimum, I strive to not make things worse, and it all gives me strength to fight whatever demons I have head on.  It’s a trial-and-error approach for sure, but I don’t see how it can be done any other way.

And given where things are at now, I don’t see how any other approach can help us overcome the enormous problems we face at this time whether it be COVID-19, or the economy, or global warming, or any other massive threat we face right now.  There is no amount of positive thinking that will help us overcome any one of these things and clearly wishing the problems away (or denying they even exist) is not going to work.  We need someone who understands this and there is no doubt the current president has no ability to do so.  Joe Biden may not be perfect, and he is not going to get us all of the way there on likely any one thing, but we have to start somewhere.  And, if there is one thing that he is good at, it is looking at a big hill, putting his head down, and climbing up.  It’s not pretty, and it isn’t the easy thing to do, but it is what we need right now more than anything.  

That is a tough pill to swallow for many Americans who think their freedom is a birthright that requires no effort, but that fantasy has been squashed.  In three weeks, the choice is clear about what needs to be done and the decision is up to you: are you going to acknowledge fault and accept responsibility for our collective actions that have led us to this point and vote for Joe, or are you going to give Trump another four years by simply wishing that all our problems away (spoiler alert – they don’t)?  The politically correct thing to say at this point is that either way you decide please make sure you vote, but I cannot apply that here.  The stakes are too high and the path is too obvious – either vote for Joe or don’t vote at all.  That second option may be tough for some people to take, but consider it your first step on a long road to recovery and redemption not just for yourself but our nation.

Good luck, everyone, we are going to need it.

-        Jim

[pamietniko]

Photo Diary: Life during Lockdown

June Musings

day 90: COVID-19 stay at home order day 10: Black Lives Matter protests

When I reflect back on my life between the early days of June 2019 and the start of this disastrous year, it’s actually pretty remarkable how much positive change I’ve been able to achieve within that time. In spite of all the chaos that’s happening all around me right now, I actually feel better then I did back then - which is astounding.

This time last year I went back to New York City and had a revelation about my life. I was in the thick of my anxiety disorder and self-medicating on a regular basis but by being away from my dysfunctional life in Seattle I was able to clearly reflect on what made me happy, what type of person I wanted to become, and how I could go about changing my life. After returning home I began having very intense panic attacks - which prompted me to make some long overdue changes immediately. I stopped using cannabis, I moved into a new apartment, and I began building my social circle and going out more. Despite making some strides forward, the panic attacks never subsided so I finally decided it was time to see a professional mental health counselor. After a few months of weekly sessions and a lot of progress I was able to slowly transition out of therapy at the end of winter. Overall, by January I was in a great headspace! But as we’ve all experienced in these last few months, the new year brought it’s own challenges.

As winter ended so did any semblance of normalcy. Shortly after the first few cases in the United States, which were here in Seattle, Covid-19 became the centerfold of all of our lives. With more than 400,000 deaths, millions of people unemployed, and an entire world population quarantined - the Coronavirus shut down the world within a few weeks. But that was just the beginning. Recently in the United States the murder of George Floyd has sparked mass Black Lives Matter protests across all 50 states and the world. Suffice to say: it’s been an extremely difficult year so far and we’re only half way through. The only saving grace I personally have from this year is that I met Ani right before the world fell apart and for that I am forever grateful. Finding love in the time of Coronavirus has been a true blessing.

So as I sit here in isolation, I wonder: What will the next 6 months look like?

Will this June be the beginning of something transformative and beautiful like last year or will it be filled with more doom and gloom? As cases slowly begin to climb and the protests grow, maybe something revolutionary will happen and we’ll return to a better world; or maybe the ever looming second wave will hit and trap us in our homes for the rest of the year. I’m hopeful that the future will be better but really, only time will tell. 

[robertabobertson]

Organize my thoughts

I need to work through some thoughts before a discussion with A. 

What I’ve been going through

First of all.. I need to address how hard this has been on me. Since the relapse, around mid-November, pretty much every thought and action has been about A. I have put myself, my goals, and my needs behind and focused my full attention on A. 

I don’t bother him about bills, I ask for the bare minimum help, I am focused on big and little picture tasks, and I keep my annoying nagging to a minimum. A. has been equally self-motivated. He has been fairly selfish through this as well, just simply trying to survive (which is understandable), yet I find him so distant, easily irritated and not supportive of me whatsoever. He can barely listen to me talk about any non-A related shit sometimes. 

For example, when he told me about the relapse it was the weekend I was supposed to close out my DS promotion. I had a hard time focusing on it as my world was rocked by the new info, yet I still tried my best to be there for him and work. I got the promotion, and while A. was excited for me, and he bragged a bit about me, he didn’t make me feel special. It was a pretty big deal what I got. $35k pay raise increase and something I’ve worked on for 1.5 yrs. In my mind, a good partner would have said, “wow S I want to celebrate you, let me grab some champagne and I’ll get dinner” - I didn’t need a lot by the way. Not a huge blowout fancy dinner (could have been a cooked meal or takeout), but I wanted to feel special. 

He hasn’t been able to be there for me. I haven’t been able to ask it of him and I’ve let myself slide into complacency. I am currently very unhappy and worried about the prospect of our marriage and future. 

The Lies

In addition, A. relapsed a second time (discovered by me). He lied about the second time, when I asked him if it was happening a few days prior to me finding it out. When caught, he also came clean about another time he had relapsed around when COVID started in 2020. He said it’s because he lost a job, but does that make it ok? It is never ok to do this drug. There seem to be more lies that added up make me question everything. I don’t know what was real in our relationship anymore. He had a panic attack on my birthday around this same time that year, he was so out of it so many times, we went to Richmond and he was barely present, I don’t even know how long that one lasted and when I found the suboxin, was he lying then too - i think there were even more lies that carried with that one. What happened with this one? 

I had to lie about the relapses to my family and friends. I am now living the same lie that A. is by not being truthful to any of my closest people and I feel isolated because I’m hurting too and I can’t reach out to my support group. 

My trust is gone, I am now piecing together a potential new image of a man that I did not previously know was in my soon to be husband. I did not have all of the information, so now I need to really consider what this means for him, for us, and for me. 

There are 3 ways our future can go... 

1. A says he wants to change, but does it alone and continues to relapse and use other drugs and is in constant need of my support - both financially and emotionally. I cannot (will not) bring kids into this situation, so we grow old together, unhappy and childless with the constant fear of him relapsing hanging over me. He dies before me, and I am alone and old having wasted my life. 

2. A. says he doesn’t want to change OR I decide I can’t take option #1 anymore, we breakup and I find someone new who wants to be the man for me in more ways than just not craving drugs over our marriage but can give as much as I can to a relationship. We have kids, etc.

3. A says he wants to change, but gets help. He goes through intensive talk therapy, and couples therapy. He removes other recreational drugs from his rotation. He opens up to his family about his past. He gives me access to his phone and bank accounts. He shows me he wants to change and is a more supportive partner. We can have kids in this situation. I support A through the hardest time of his life and he becomes exactly the type of man I love and need. We grow closer and more in love because we were able to get out of this hell hole of a situation. 

I want #3 to be true and possible so badly. I cannot allow myself to go through option #1. Thus in order, it seems #3, #2, and #1 are what is best for me. I don’t know what to do, and I am losing sight of who the real A. is. Is he the man that I fell in love with? Does he even want to change? Will he ever be able to fully be present and want to be the partner I need? Or will he always want that feeling again. 

I’m blinded by my love for him. I am trying to be logical in this post, but I know my weakness is A. 

I am feeling so lost without having any other feedback. I feel like A doesn’t want to talk to me at all and that any mention of this would bring him so low, I would fear for his life. I need therapy to help me work through these emotions, because at present I can’t figure out how to get myself or us back on track. 

[covid19updater]

COVID19 Updates: 08/04/2021

Malaysia:  #COVID19 Malaysia recorded 19,819 new positive cases with 257 deaths.

Florida:  @vijayanpinarayi #Kerala is consistently contributing 50% of all #COVID19 cases in #India. 10 of the 14 districts are among the top 18 districts in the country with intense spread. These 10 districts alone contribute more than 40% of all cases in India. Mismanagement at its peak

World:  "Accordingly, WHO is calling for a moratorium on boosters until at least the end of September, to enable at least 10% of the population of every country to be vaccinated"-@DrTedros #COVID19 #VaccinEquity 

World:  With the Delta variant, it might not be possible to stop the spread of Covid-19 completely, a health expert says. LINK

North Carolina:  HAPPENING TODAY: N.C. Gov. Roy Cooper is set to provide a COVID-19 update this afternoon as the state faces surging numbers of new cases and hospitalizations. LINK

UK:  United Kingdom Daily Coronavirus (COVID-19) Report · Wednesday 4th August. 29,312 new cases (people positive) reported, giving a total of 5,952,756. 119 new deaths reported, giving a total of 130,000.

UK:  Health Secretary Sajid Javid says he has accepted the JCVI's recommendation to vaccinate 16 to 17-year-olds and has asked the NHS to prepare to vaccinate those eligible as soon as possible.  Jonathan Van Tam, deputy CMO, says he doesn't want to 'rule in or rule out' jabs for those aged 12-15 He says they want to proceed very carefully & very safely

World:  #BREAKING: WHO calls for pause on COVID-19 booster shots in wealthier countries LINK

Japan:  Tokyo reports 4,166 new coronavirus cases, the biggest one-day increase on record

Thailand:  Thailand reports 20,200 new coronavirus cases, the biggest one-day increase so far, and a record 188 new deaths

US:  U.S. COVID update: More than 146K new cases, including 2-day backlog from Florida, as number in hospital surges - New cases: 146,339 - Average: 92,477 (+5,750) - In hospital: 55,813 (+4,713) - In ICU: 13,891 (+1,179) - New deaths: 666

US:  Rolling 7-day average of daily coronavirus cases in the U.S.: 4 weeks ago: 13,653 3 weeks ago: 25,619 2 weeks ago: 38,229 1 week ago: 62,411 Today: 92,477

Michigan:  BREAKING: @EasternMichU announces that "All students will be required to wear face masks in classrooms regardless of vaccination status." @detroitnewsarchivist-blog

Florida:  12,408 now hospitalized w/COVID in Florida, setting new record, per updated HHS data.

US:  The FDA is reportedly aiming to fully approve the Pfizer-BioNTech covid  by start of September, despite the absence of long-term safety data. NYT reports FDA has accelerated process, acknowledging an upgrade from EUA might   take-up rates;

China:  Officials on Tuesday ordered that no one could leave Hunan province city of Zhangjiajie. Residential communities sealed Sunday, preventing people from leaving homes. Zhangjiajie recorded 19 cases since last week-but cases linked to city spread to at least five provinces;

UK:  In a statement circulated on Wednesday afternoon, the Joint Committee on Vaccination and Immunisation (JCVI) said its decision had been made after “large changes” in the way that Covid has been spreading in the UK, “particularly in younger age groups”;

US:  Nearly 72,000 kids tested positive in US last week LINK

Japan:  Japan's unwanted gold medal today. Covid cases hit a new all time high of 14,207, as per media outlet NHK;

Australia:  The outbreak in Australia’s NSW has seen its third highest number of daily cases so far. 233 new cases announced on Wed. 47 were infectious in community, 21 were in isolation for part of their infectious period, and 73 cases were under investigation;

China:  China authorities reported 71 local cases Wed, highest since Jan, asbattles its largest outbreak in months by testing entire cities & locking down millions. The results of tests reveal a low caseload, despite outbreak of Delta variant spreading to dozens of major cities;

Israel:  Israel has reinstated several curbs amid a wave of cases, including only allowing  people at indoor gatherings of 100+  people, requiring masks at outdoor gatherings of 100+ people, & ordering gov’t agencies to reduce number of people working in offices to 50% from Sun;

California:  J&J Covid vaccine recipients can get supplemental Pfizer or Moderna dose in San Francisco LINK

World:  NEW - Pfizer #COVID19 vaccine linked to  cases of eye and skin inflammation, according to a multi-center Israeli study published by the peer-reviewed ophthalmology journal Retina (JPost)

Georgia:  Georgia COVID-19 infections and hospitalizations rise again LINK

Arkansas:  CHI St. Vincent Hot Springs postponing elective procedures to focus resources on COVID-19 and other critical care needs LINK

UK:  NEW: The CEO of the Road Haulage Association has warned that the UK is 2-3 weeks away from a supply chain collapse

Indiana:  Monroe County is Indiana's first to reinstitute a #maskmandate, effective tomorrow at 8am.

World:  Dr. Anthony Fauci is warning that fully vaccinated people are also susceptible to "long COVID" if they have a breakthrough infection. LINK

Israel:  JUST IN - New lockdown in #Israel, one of the most vaccinated countries in the world, to be imposed as early as in two weeks and not in September, the Covid cabinet discussed today (Channel 13)

Texas:  Texas State Republican Executive Committee Member Scott Apley has died of COVID-19.

US: Jerome Adams:  I’m a physician, former State Health Commissioner, and former Surgeon General. Yet short of pulling my 11 yo daughter out of school, I’m at the mercy of local officials to protect her from #COVID19. Here’s to hoping state and school leaders put all of our kids over politics.

Florida:  Ron DeSantis, when asked if the state should re-open the COVID testing centers it shut down a few weeks ago, says "you can buy a test and take it home and do it yourself." (Nero fiddles while Rome burns)

Florida:  Of interest: The strain on oxygen supply at hospitals within Broward’s Memorial Healthcare System: • Doctors are relying more on oxygen therapy instead of ventilators • Safer way to treat #COVID19 critically ill, but requires more O • Vendors have supply, so no shortage yet

Arkansas:  “Throughout the pandemic we’ve had zero to three, maybe five kids in the hospital at any one time,” Dr. Barr said. “Today (August 2), we started out the day with 24 children in our hospitals with COVID-19, and eight of them were in the ICU, and five were mechanically ventilated.”

Massachusetts:  Massachusetts to require COVID-19 vaccine for all nursing home staff LINK

Cuba:  Hotels become hospitals as Cuba battles soaring Covid cases LINK

RUMINT (US):  A “mild” case of Covid completely destroyed my life. To this day, I have not been hospitalized. Hearing media describe breakthrough cases as “mild” is HIGHLY OFFENSIVE. What part of “LongCovid is disabling” don’t people understand? How can we just allow everyone to get infected?  All three of my kids got Covid. Their hair is still falling out. Eldest has chest pain, exercise intolerance. Middle son has no hunger/thirst/taste & has lost weight; my youngest can’t feel his full bladder, & holds it until he sweats. No one knows what the future holds for kids.  January 2021 was a particularly grueling and miserable month. My initial infection was in February 2020. In the months following, no one knew about LongCovid yet. I thought I was dying. This year I’m learning it doesn’t actually “just go away.”

Texas:  Texas Gov. Greg Abbott vows no more COVID-19 lockdowns LINK

World:  #NHLBINews: Full-dose blood thinners reduce the need for organ support in moderately ill #COVID19 patients, but not in critically ill patients. LINK

New York:  The New York International Auto Show, which had been scheduled to open to the public in just two weeks, has been canceled due to concerns about the Covid-19 Delta variant and the steps being taken to prevent it. LINK

Israel:  "If you are at the age of 60 and above - there is almost no difference between being vaccinated or not. You have the same chances of getting the disease!" Here on Twitter noticed that this sentence is true a few weeks ago, but only today it was live on the Israeli Chanel 11 @kann 

Iowa:  DMPS temporarily closes MetroKids program site due to COVID-19 LINK

World:  'Shipping braces as China goes into lockdown mode' Supply chain issues to continue in some capacity for the foreseeable future LINK

Asia:  Fresh outbreaks of the Delta coronavirus variant in Southeast Asia have crippled its factory sector, disrupting global supplies of goods such as rubber gloves, semiconductors and SUV

US:  Surgeon General: "Odds are high" vaccine for kids under 12 will be approved next school year LINK

Maryland:  I went to a party with 14 other vaccinated people; 11 of us got COVID | COMMENTARY - Baltimore Sun LINK

California:  LA County positivity rate back up to 6.0% today. 3,734 new cases (Most cases since February 6, 2021)

US:  CONFIRMED: The Biden administration is developing a plan to require nearly all foreign visitors to the U.S. to be fully vaccinated against COVID-19 as part of eventually lifting travel restrictions that bar much of the world from entering the United States.

World:  The unvaccinated can expect to pay more in copays and deductibles, as insurers end their previous policy of zero-charge treatment for COVID-19 hospitalizations LINK

New York: Employment Agency:  We're dedicated to making Maximus a happy and safe place to work. Employees who volunteer proof of vaccination can remove their mask at their desk. Show off your smile!  #COVID19 #Smile #Safety

Australia:  Sydney suffers worst pandemic day as lockdown nears six weeks LINK

RUMINT (South Carolina):  Family friend, a nurse in South Carolina, just posted a photo on Facebook of the covid tents going back up outside her rural hospital in Horry County. It's just heartbreaking.

Georgia:  Henry County issues State of Emergency due to COVID-19 rise.   According to the order, Piedmont Henry Medical Center in Stockbridge, has 68 COVID-19 patients, 48 acute patients and 24 ICU patients. County officials said the hospital, which is the county's primary healthcare facility, has exceeded its capacity to serve ICU patients LINK

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

You Found Out Your Partner is Having an Affair—Now What?

Discovering an affair can be a painful and confusing experience. Discovering amid a global pandemic can be even worse. And if you’ve been cheated on before, it can trigger an emotional response characteristic of PTSD.

You probably want to run for the exit, but don’t leave the relationship just yet. In many cases couples can recover from an affair, and even come out stronger on the other side. At NCCT, we’ve helped over 1,000 couples over the last 10 years navigate turbulent waters. There is hope if both partners are willing to put in the work.

Before deciding how to move forward in your relationship, however, it can be helpful to understand what cheating is and why people cheat.

What is considered cheating?

There are different types of cheating, some more hurtful than others. Yes, sleeping with someone outside the relationship (without permission) is cheating, but so is the private, ongoing flirty text conversation with a coworker. Emotional affairs are affairs, too.

These days, thanks to technology, people don’t even need to meet up to cheat. More Americans are having “virtual affairs” during quarantine, according to an article published by the University of Tennessee Knoxville psychologists Kristina Coop Gordon and Erica A. Mitchell. The stress of COVID-19 is putting a strain on relationships. Instead of turning toward their partners, people are either turning to dating apps to pursue secret relationships or social media to rekindle old ones. Researchers at the Kinsey Institute surveyed 1,000 married people between 30 and 50 years old and found in their preliminary results that 13% have contacted an ex-partner during the pandemic.

Ultimately, cheating is defined by secret-keeping. If a partner doesn’t know about it, then it’s a betrayal of their trust. As a general rule, people should ask themselves, “Would I say this or do this in front of my partner?” If the answer is no, then a boundary is probably being crossed.

Why do people cheat?

There are different philosophies in the field of couples therapy about why people cheat. Two of the most popular come from John Gottman and Esther Perel.

Gottman believes in symptom theory, which means cheating is a symptom of the relationship. In essence, people cheat because they’re lonely. The process begins when people start to make what Caryl Rusbult calls “negative comparisons” about their partner with other people, whether real or imagined. They think to themselves, “I could do better.”

He references the work of Shirley Glass, who found that most affairs are not caused by lust and didn’t start off with the plan of having an affair. 82% of the people she studied who had affairs started out being social acquaintances, neighbors, or workplace colleagues with their future affair partners. These “affairs of the heart” are characterized by secrecy, emotional intimacy, and sexual chemistry.

Perel, on the other hand, believes a crisis of identity causes affairs. Instead of cheating because they’re lonely, people cheat to find themselves. They’re not looking for another person, they’re looking for another self. A good relationship is no guarantee against infidelity, in her opinion. Otherwise, how do we explain why people in happy relationships cheat? You can watch her TED Talk on the subject here.

Where do you go from here?

With the divorce rate around 50% for first-time marriages, many of us are going to have more than one long term relationship or marriage in our lifetime. So while the first relationship is over in the aftermath of an affair, a second one can be built with the same person.

At NCCT, our approach to affair recovery is rooted in grief, particularly to help couples grieve the loss of the relationship they had. There’s no going back. The question then is whether they’re going to forgive, which is inspired by Desmond Tutu’s teachings in The Book of Forgiving. We focus on sitting with grief because often couples want to move past it quickly, when in reality, it’s a process that takes time to heal from.

For the initiator of the betrayal, we emphasize the importance of tolerating and staying with their partner’s grieving process. In his audiobook Relationship Rx, Stan Tatkin says the person who had the affair has to be prepared to be both the hero and the villain. They’re the hero because they get to make it better. They get to sign up for showing up and being there for their partner, which is an odd role to be in because simultaneously, they’re the one who inflicted the wound. For the initiator, the work is around guilt, and the appropriate response is to make amends and be accountable.

In addition to working with grief, we also help couples form a new narrative that has a deeper understanding of how the affair occurred so that it doesn’t happen again. This is particularly relevant for the initiator because frequently, there’s a pattern of conflict avoidance and not being forthcoming that occurs before an affair.

We support Stan Tatkin’s idea that all couples benefit from creating a shared contract, which outlines the basic rules to govern a relationship. He advocates for keeping each principle short and sweet, and that couples emphasize mutuality. In the aftermath of infidelity, couples need to talk about what they want their contract to be around fidelity. What is considered a betrayal? And what’s the penalty if it happens again?

As the 17th-century samurai and poet Mizuta Masahide once wrote, “Barn’s burnt down, now I can see the moon.” We can help you see the path forward. We’re offering online couples therapy intensives during COVID-19 as an alternative to weekly couples therapy sessions. It’s the equivalent of three months worth of weekly therapy concentrated into just a few days. An online intensive is hard work, and it can feel scary, but it’s worth the investment and can get your relationship back on track.

Like what you’ve read here? Sign up to receive our weekly posts filled with heart, concrete tools, and cutting edge resources via our blog: Loving Well.

[publichealthcare99]

Covid-19 Vaccine & Tinnitus Success Stories

New Post has been published on https://thebestsolution4u.com/covid-19-vaccine-tinnitus-success-stories/

Covid-19 Vaccine & Tinnitus Success Stories

Covid-19 Vaccine & Tinnitus Success Stories

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the “May 2021 Newsletter For Pure Tinnitus.” This is Dr. Ben Thompson. We’re here for the monthly Pure Tinnitus video newsletter on this YouTube channel. Thanks for being here.

Covid-19 Vaccine & Tinnitus Success Stories

As you can see, I’m in a new area, a new place. I’m actually over at my friend’s house. She is starting a new YouTube channel about women’s reproductive health. And I came over to help film her first videos with my camera and lighting setup, and help her with some of the strategy and organization for starting that channel.

So that’s why I’m in this new place. And I wanted to make this newsletter video for May of this year. On the first Sunday of each month, I make this video news letter to cover recent tinnitus news, some of the most important topics that have happened over the past month, and some recap, and answer questions about the recent videos that I released here on my YouTube channel.

You can also expect on the second Sunday of every month, there is a new video podcast episode released where I interview other specialists, doctors, and professionals who work in the tinnitus space. And finally, every Tuesday you can expect a new video to be released here, to educate you about tinnitus.

The first topic that I wanted to address is tinnitus, COVID, and the COVID-19 vaccine. I released a video in the end of April about COVID-19 and the effects it can have on tinnitus. I created a poll on my YouTube channel under the community tab, which asks, “If you received the COVID-19 vaccine, “did it negatively change your tinnitus “for longer than a five-day period?”

Make sure you check that poll and answer if you have already received the COVID vaccine. I’ll be releasing that poll information coming up. Next week, on this channel, you can find the video podcast episode with Dr. Robert DiSogra who is an audiologist, very well-versed in the pharmaceutical drugs for tinnitus, herbal supplements, and the recent trends with the COVID-19 pandemic, and how it relates to tinnitus.

Read more: Tinnitus & Covid-19 Vaccine Side Effects

If you have experienced changes in your tinnitus, related to COVID, check out all of those resources. And if you have any additional questions, write a comment and we’ll do our best to answer that. Switching it up now a little bit, hope you’re still with me, I want to talk about success stories for tinnitus. If you go on the internet, you will find that some individuals are sharing their success story because many people with tinnitus do get better, recover, habituate.

That’s what I try to guide all of my patients through who find me on telehealth @puretinnitus.com. When I’m considering publishing a success story of one of my patients, one of my clients, one thing I’ve realized, partially studying tinnitus retraining therapy with Dr. Jastreboff and getting a good analysis of the existing success stories out there, is that I want to see sustained success.

And what that means is a reduction in the severity of tinnitus, and potentially a reduction in the volume of tinnitus as well. But for some individuals who experience temporary improvement in a relatively short time period, I don’t want to publish that success because it may be premature.

And my intention here is to be wise about this and to show that the real success is sustained benefit with tinnitus treatment, not a temporary period of silence or reduction of symptoms for a shorter period of time.

So keep your eyes out because in the next few months, I’m hoping to release some of these success stories and potentially have some of my patients who I’ve worked with, for a longer period of time now via telehealth @puretinnitus.

Potentially, we have them on to share their story. And I would have made sure that they’ve been with me for about six months, before I would consider publishing that. Next thing to talk about here is that sound therapy is a big part of tinnitus care. And there’s different ways to find the right kind of sound therapy.

Read more: Extremely Powerful Tinnitus Sound Therapy

 In my online telehealth practice with Pure Tinnitus, I’ve recently started recommending ear level sound generators for patients who have hearing in the normal range, but are looking to follow the tinnitus retraining therapy protocols. Ear level sound generators look like hearing aids, but they have no amplification features. And that provides consistent, sustained sound therapy, typically for a period of nine to 12 months.

And those devices are used in the treatment of tinnitus and hyperacusis. So you’ll be seeing more videos about that, coming down the pipeline here with my YouTube channel. But also if you’re someone interested in that, you can reach out to us, shopsangque@gmail.com, and we can direct you where to go from there.

Now, on a very different topic, one thing that is beautiful that I’m really enjoying seeing, is that because my YouTube channel has grown with your help of watching these videos, commenting, pressing the Like button, and being subscribed, because my YouTube channel and audience has grown, now, when someone goes on YouTube and they search for “Help With Tinnitus,” I may be one of the first five or 10 people that they find online.

And when they watch some of my videos, my hope and intention is that it improves their condition. And after they find this YouTube channel and these video resources, they can on their own study what the overall recommendations are for tinnitus treatment. So if someone has tinnitus and they’re in the first few weeks or the first month of trying to figure out how to get better, finding my kind of resources would be highly valuable.

When I first started this in early 2020, I was not able to be easily found online. Someone would have had to be looking intensely to find my resources for tinnitus. But now, because this audience is growing with your help, there people who are suffering immediately in that very acute stage of tinnitus for in a period of weeks to one month or two months, that they’re able to find me and work with me via telehealth @puretinnitus, and get on the right course from the beginning, from the onset. So I wanted to just celebrate that because of what we’re doing here.

People are able get the right kind of information early and reduce the amount of time or the intensity of their suffering or of their challenges, during the tinnitus treatment period. So that’s a big win in my book because now I’m having people sign up for consultations with Pure Tinnitus, and they’re contacting me with only having tinnitus for a matter of weeks, and sometimes even as short as one week. So that’s a great sign because the earlier, typically, the better. And that goes with anything related to changes in the brain and the body. So, happy to share that.

That’s really good news. Okay, we’re almost done. The last thing I wanted to share is that the company, Neosensory, that creates the Neosensory Buzz product for tinnitus, they were able to give us a 10% discount code, which is the code Ben 10. And you can find that in the description of this video. If you’re interested in trying out that product, you can get 10% discount code by finding the link in the description.

Now, do I recommend that product? Well, it’s too early to say the research is showing lasting benefit with the product. But so far, their signs of this could be bimodal stimulation device that is having a similar effect as the Lenire device. So that’s something to consider if you’re wondering about how to start with any of those devices. Thank you so much for watching this video. And just as a recap, every first Sunday of the month, I will release this monthly video newsletter for puretinnitus.com.

And the second Sunday of each month, you can expect a podcast video interview with another professional in the tinnitus world. That’s all published here on my YouTube channel. And finally, every Tuesday morning in the United States, a video will be released on YouTube to educate and hopefully help you wherever you’re at on your tinnitus journey. T

his is Dr. Ben Thompson here. Thank you for watching this monthly video. And leave a comment if I can help you. If you guys have any specific questions or you want to work with me, please email shopsangque@gmail.com. Have a wonderful day, and thank you so much.

Read more: Silencil Natural Remedies For Tinnitus

[dipulb3]

Surfer Billy Kemper glimpsed at death after wave slammed him into a rock

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/surfer-billy-kemper-glimpsed-at-death-after-wave-slammed-him-into-a-rock/

Surfer Billy Kemper glimpsed at death after wave slammed him into a rock

“Knocked me out unconscious. Collapsed my lung. My pelvis was broken down the middle, I had to get my knee reconstructed, the injury-list goes on and on,” adds the 30-year-old surfer as he details the impact on his body. “It was straight up life or death.”

Kemper says there was a brief moment of calm before the impact last year, a period of peace inside the wave, when he couldn’t even tell which way was up. And then, the visceral experience of life’s fragility.

“I was just hyperventilating and blacking out through the pain, you can’t forget pain that much.”

READ: How Romain Grosjean’s family inspired him as he was engulfed by flames

Surfing ‘Jaws’

Kemper says that he never feared the waves: “I was on a surfboard months before I could walk, I was basically, you know, born into the ocean.”

Close to big-wave surfing icon Laird Hamilton, who Kemper refers to as his “Uncle” though they are not blood relations, and growing up on Maui, Hawaii’s second largest island, surfing has always been in Kemper’s blood.

“Part of the culture of being raised in Hawaii and being raised on rock surrounded by ocean is that there’s never a fear.”

While some people might develop their love for a team or a sport by being taken to a game at an early age, Kemper’s equivalent of The Staples Center or the Los Angeles Lakers was geologically sculpted and just a couple of miles away.

The most feared wave in the world, towering at up to 60 feet and known as “Jaws,” because it resembles the mouth of a shark, was practically on his doorstep.

“We would watch it like a kid watching The Lakers,” he said.

Comparing himself to a young fan hoping to get his basketball signed by Kobe Bryant, there Kemper was, with his surfboard, making plans for the rest of his life.

“‘Mom, Dad’,” he’d say, “One day I’m going to surf ‘Jaws.’ And they just laugh at me, like ‘yeah right.'”

He was serious though; now aged 30, Kemper is regarded by many as the best big-wave surfer in the world. According to the World Surf League CEO Erik Logan “he consistently pushes the realm of what is possible in his continuous pursuit to travel to the world in search of the most ferocious storms and biggest waves.”

Among numerous other accolades, Kemper is the 2018 big-wave world champion and a four-time “Jaws” event winner, considered the most prestigious prize in the sport.

He’s an accomplished surfer at every level, but he’s a rare breed of surfers — around a dozen of them — who eschew the speed, precision and creativity of the regular WSL Tour for the blood and thunder of the biggest waves on the planet.

“Billy’s accomplishments as a professional surfer indisputably show he is one of the world’s best big-wave surfers,” adds Logan.

When asked to describe the feeling of standing on top of a mountainous wall of water, Kemper compares it to looking out of the window of an eighth-floor apartment. He struggles to articulate the feeling without using an expletive.

“I don’t know exactly what words I’d put it into that would be good for camera talk,” he smiled. “Just, like, everything in the world is blocked out for that one moment. I’m just literally living in the moment. Proud and present.”

READ: Emily Harrington on her historic El Capitan climb

‘Strike missions’

Kemper was riding a wave of momentum through 2019 and early 2020 when he decided to make his fateful trip to Morocco. It was a trip that ended as it had begun, in a hurry. But the mood on the way out was very different to his palpable excitement and anticipation on arrival.

“It was at the end of my season last year and the Northern Pacific just started to fall apart,” Kemper said. “There just wasn’t the swells I was looking to see.”

For some time, he’d been drawn to the idea of surfing the coast off Morocco in North Africa and it seemed as though the stars were aligning.

“One evening I was looking at all the swells across the world and I see this absurd storm moving through the Atlantic Ocean,” he said.

He immediately contacted his buddies and the World Surf League to see if they’d be interested in tackling the waves and documenting it on film.

“This one just looked monumental,” he enthused, “It looked a lot bigger and stronger than most swells that you see in that ocean.”

Surfers refer to such adventures as “strike missions,” they’re planned at the last minute and the flights are booked with just 24 hours to spare, ensuring that the surf really is going to be worth the effort.

“If the forecast isn’t well and conditions aren’t good then we won’t pull the trigger,” Kemper noted.

In February, the strike team of Kemper, surfers Koa Smith, Luke Davis and filmmaker Arénui Frapwell arrived in Morocco, where they met up with Billy’s friend, the local surfer Gerome Sahyoun.

He knew immediately that the hype was justified

“We surfed a handful of waves up and down the coast and there were probably some of the best waves I’ve ever witnessed in my life. It was truly the trip of a lifetime until the absolute worst happened.”

READ: Oscar-winning director Jimmy Chin on fear, risk and finding the edge

Broken pelvis

Kemper says he has known death but isn’t scared of it. At the age of just eight, he was mourning his brother and his mother died more recently of cancer.

What he does fear, though, is the thought of not seeing his own four children again. As a surfer, he doesn’t fear the water, but he certainly respects it. “I’m by no means a master of the ocean, I always bow to the ocean.”

As his broken body lay floating in the frothing waters off the coast of North Africa, the reality of his new situation rapidly came into focus.

“I knew what I had gotten myself into, I just didn’t know how truly serious it was,” he said. “Anyone who’s ever broken their pelvis in half can relate to this. You’re definitely not just going to walk up the beach.”

Kemper says he owes his life to the friends who immediately rushed to his aid in the water and got him to safety. He was transported to the harbor on a jet ski, where an ambulance was waiting.

Of all the gory details he can recall more than a year after the dramatic event, it seems that this is still one of the rawest: “Even the ambulance ride felt like the worst pain ever. Every speed bump, every bump, the center of your body just opening up and releasing blood.”

“Most people lose half their blood count,” he said, speaking of his pelvis break. “You’re going to need transfusions.” He gestures with his hands to demonstrate his internal wound geysering blood at every bump in the road. “It’s a pain you can’t describe.”

READ: Like ‘falling off the face of the earth,’ says kayaker Dane Jackson

‘Without surfing, I am not Billy’

After a few days in hospital, Kemper and his team realized they were facing more problems. Firstly, how to navigate a journey of more than 13,000 kilometers back to the US for emergency trauma surgery.

“I was in a state where I couldn’t fly on a commercial plane, I couldn’t fly business class,” Kemper said. “With a pelvic break that bad, you can’t leave a stretcher. Any bit of movement, you’re just opening up that break to create more internal bleeding.”

More pressing, however, was the looming Covid-19 crisis, which meant that international borders were being slammed shut all along their escape route home.

Having leaned on his community of family, friends and sponsors to help raise the funds for an emergency medevac flight, they were now in a race against time.

“It was literally just happening on the minute,” he recalled. “It wasn’t even like tomorrow, or this day, it was like ‘Oh no! They shut down. They shut down. They shut down!’ We’re trying to beat them to the punch just to get an entry onto US soil.”

Not only was Kemper desperate to see his family, but he also knew that the best medical care was at home, and it was treatment that was essential if he was ever going to compete on a surfboard again.

When they finally did make it back, Kemper was immediately rushed into trauma surgery by a doctor who’d been specifically researched by his team.

But even then, the road to recovery was a long one; months of grueling rehabilitation and the longest period of his life spent on dry land.

“I’d be pretty surprised if there was an athlete that outdid what I did in the five, six months I was up in California,” Kemper said.

He moved in with “Uncle” Hamilton and his wife Gabrielle Reece, and focused intensely on recovery, physical therapy and training. He details 11-hour days, seven days a week and reflects that the experience was probably a “blessing in disguise.”

“What I learned last summer was probably more knowledge than I ever would have [acquired] without going through this injury,” he said.

“It was beyond anything I thought I’d ever go through and I needed a few months to mentally prepare myself and heal my mind.”

When the time came to climb back onto a surfboard again, Kemper says it felt like a rebirth.

“It was like the first wave of my entire life over again, it brought back the emotions of being a kid. This is why I’ve sacrificed so much; this is why I’ve worked harder than anyone, this is the reason why I belong here,” he said.

“Surfing is who I am. Without surfing, I am not Billy.”

[mercerislandbooks]

Girls With Bright Futures: A Conversation

You’ll be seeing a book on the Island Books new paperback fiction table February 2nd, if you haven’t already spied it on several most anticipated releases of 2021 lists, including Newsweek, Refinery29 and Popsugar. With an eye catching cover, a local setting and an instantly intriguing premise, Girls With Bright Futures is the book everyone is going to be talking about. Taking place in Seattle at the fictional Elliott Bay Academy, and told from three alternating points of view, we get an inside look into the cutthroat world of college admissions and the unrelenting pressure on both the kids applying for college and the parents trying to ensure their success.

I was hooked from the very first page, plunged into the high stakes of vying for the last early admission spot at Stanford, and thankful that my college application days are now in the distant past! Seattle residents and co-authors, Tracy Dobmeier and Wendy Katzman, were kind enough to answer a few of my questions about their book and the writing process. And be sure to check out the details for their book launch at Island Books at the end of the blog!

Welcome Tracy and Wendy! How did you two decide to write a book together?

We’ve been friends for more than 20 years. In fact, Wendy’s husband and Tracy first met when they were right out of college living in Washington, DC. We all ended up in Seattle in the mid-1990s and connected when our oldest kids were toddlers, and the two of us became instant friends. Over the years, we’ve supported each other through careers, motherhood, community volunteer work, and many life events—some wonderful, others terrifying. Throughout it all, we bonded over our deep reliance on humor and our tremendous mutual respect. It’s not an exaggeration to say that we always felt a collaboration on something was inevitable. But for years, the perfect idea eluded us. On long, angsty walks, we batted around book ideas (always non-fiction in those early days), business ideas, and even an idea for a board game. But at the bottom of it all was a desire to better understand the culture of motherhood today—all its rewards and privileges, and on the flip side, the judgment and toxic self-doubt that plague so many of us.

Finally, just when we were starting to launch our kids from the nest, we read two books that really set us off on this path, but for very different reasons. The first was Modern Romance which was a collaboration between the comedian Aziz Anzari and Eric Klinenberg, a sociologist from Columbia, in which they looked at how romance and courtship rituals have evolved over the last 100 years or so. Something about that the way that book took on a culturally relevant topic, combining humor and research really resonated with us and got us thinking about whether we could do something similar with modern motherhood and friendship. But we quickly realized we were neither stand-up comedians nor sociologists, so we were still casting about for an idea.

And then we read another amazing book—Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. We were so inspired. For years, we’d been telling our kids that it’s OK to try new stuff even if it means failing sometimes, and yet we’d been unwilling to take that kind of risk ourselves. And so we thought: If we were going to “go big” and really risk being vulnerable, what would we do? All of the sudden we realized we wanted to write fiction (and please believe us: writing a novel and sharing it with the world is an excruciating exercise in vulnerability!). We wanted to create something, to be free to dream up characters and stories and worlds. The only flaw in this plan was that neither of us had ever written a word of fiction. If only we could figure out how to write a novel, we believed our work ethic and willingness to hold ourselves accountable to each other would get us the rest of the way there. So what did we do? We kid you not...we pulled out our computers and googled: “How do you write a novel?” That was at the end of February, 2016—and the rest is history!

What was the inspiration for Girls With Bright Futures?

Because our book is launching in the wake of the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, most people assume that salacious news story was our inspiration, but that’s actually not the case. In fact, prior to Girls with Bright Futures, we had already written an entire manuscript featuring college admissions mania as a major theme, but that manuscript was submitted to publishers in 2018 without success. Forced to go back to the drawing board, we ultimately conceived of Girls with Bright Futures in late 2018 and had not only plotted out the entire book but had nearly completed our first draft when the scandal first broke in March 2019!

As far as why we chose this topic in particular, it's kind of a long story! But in a nutshell, when our older boys were in the midst of the college admissions process, each of our husbands suffered a life-threatening health crisis. Thankfully (knock on wood), our guys are alright, but it was such a bizarre coincidence that we both experienced such intense brushes with mortality during the high anxiety of the college admissions process—it felt like a sign we couldn’t ignore. Initially, our writing was more therapy than anything, enabling us to try to make sense of all our feelings. At the same time, we became fascinated by what seemed to be an increasingly competitive and anxiety provoking college admissions process for our kids. We wanted to explore the impacts of all this on families, friendships, students, and school communities.  

The pacing is so good in your narrative, what was your writing process like to make that happen?

Well first, thank you for saying that! We’re staring at each other over Zoom right now trying to remember how it all came together! Before we start writing, we work out every scene—e.g., whose point of view, where the scene starts and ends, and what we need to accomplish. Every scene has a specific purpose to keep the plot unfolding. In addition, we really wanted our story to illustrate and mirror the real-life phenomenon of how an anxiety-fueled action by one character can provoke escalating responses in others. Some of our pacing derives from this tension. Finally, we intentionally juxtaposed humorous or satirical scenes against more serious ones, and dialogue-heavy scenes with more expository-laden scenes. After all, variety is the spice of life (ugh—and cliches are the bane of a writer’s existence!).

How did you decide what kind of representation you wanted in your characters?

Our overarching goal was to write a compelling (even shocking!) fictional depiction of the toxicity of the college admissions process for parents, families, friendships, and communities. There were many different approaches we could have taken and we considered all of these, including race, ethnicity, and income/class. As two white women, we were conscious of not wanting to misappropriate any stories, but we did want to find a way to show how racism rears its head in this setting. We decided to make our three main characters white women of varying socioeconomic levels while incorporating plot twists (no spoilers here) and a whole roster of women whose races and ethnicities are intentionally ambiguous to expose some common racist assumptions in many high school communities. Telling this story through a lens of extreme income inequality allowed us to shine a light on the role of that particular trend as a major driver of anxiety and bad behavior in many school communities. Our hope is that we’ve constructed a story that will stimulate discussion on a range of social justice issues.

What was surprising to you about writing your first book?

Writing and publishing a book are two totally different endeavors. On the writing front, we had no idea how little time we’d spend actually writing our book versus planning it on the front end and revising/editing it on the back end. In terms of publishing, we were initially surprised to learn how much marketing is involved and that the majority of that marketing involves social media (even more so now because we’re launching in a pandemic). As neither of us were remotely active on social media before our publishing journey, we had to push ourselves to overcome our discomfort and there has also been a (very) steep learning curve (like what the heck is an Instagram story for and why do we have to do it?). We’ve been fortunate to have digital natives (i.e., our children) who owe us big-time for all the years we spent raising them. Check out our social media game on Instagram @katzndobs.

What are you working on now?

While we can no longer sit side-by-side at Tracy’s house, we’ve continued working together over Zoom. Our next novel isn’t a sequel to Girls with Bright Futures, but it’s set in a similar world with more parents behaving badly. That’s about all we can say right now!!

And last but not least, at Island Books the staff is always asked about what we’re reading. What are the two of you reading and recommending now?

Tracy: My favorite read over the holidays was The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, and I am currently reading Black Buck by Mateo Askaripour.

Wendy: Eliza Starts a Rumor by Jane Rosen was my favorite read over the holidays, and His Only Wife by Peace Adzo Medie is my current read.

Photo by  @KristenSycamorePhotography

Tracy and Wendy will be at Island Books on Saturday, February 6th from 10am to 2:30 pm for a Covid-era signing of Girls With Bright Futures. A free custom Hello Robin cookie is their special gift to you with purchase of their book, while supplies last! So put on your mask and stop by to support these lovely debut authors and their fantastic book. Hope to see you there! 

-- Lori

[strawberry-jules]

the fourth

hi again. it’s 10:41pm.

today was a fucking shit show. like appallingly so. my schedule was supposed to roughly look like this:

6-7am: get up, get ready, go get coffee

8-9: vet appt

9-10: breakfast, clean the kitchen for mom

10-11: post office, quick target run

11.30-4pm: read 2 chapters from textbook

4-5.30: run, shower, etc

5.30-7.30: read half a chapter, take some me time, idk

9pm-11pm: vibe time baybee

here’s how it turned out, roughly.

got coffee, it was very fun. barista is making it very hard to not have a crush on them by simply existing. how rude! took belle to the vet, everything was fine and dandy, as i figured. came home, had a bagel with spinach and eggs, cleaned the kitchen, it was fantastic. my brother ended up needing to ship out his christmas gift to his friend in croatia, but his classes weren’t over until 1:30, so i was like no worries! i’ll just go study for my final till your classes are over, just let me know. i ended up reading absolutely nothing and getting sucked into whatever fucking dumb shit exists on the internet. i also picked 3 therapists from our network and emailed them, introducing myself, and asking for quick interviews next week to see if we’re good fits, because i want to start going to therapy. 

i was very excited by this development. it’s taken me over a year of saying i would go to therapy for me to finally get the courage to reach out. at about 12, i went into my parents’ room and said “guess what? i’m finally starting therapy!” and my mother, without missing a beat, says “oh, sorry we did such a bad job raising you. why do you need therapy? i thought we did a great job.” i was fucking stunned. i was like, “woah, no! this isn’t a reflection of you. this is me finally taking care of myself, i have personal things i need to work through. however, i do think that therapy is useful to anyone, and i think everyone should try therapy, at least once,” to which she had the brilliant insight, “there’s nothing wrong with me. should i just make something up about my family and go talk to a stranger about it? is that what you’re doing?” and my dad was like, “hey, that’s not what she’s saying” and my mom basically went off saying that i was weird for thinking that everyone should try therapy, and that i didn’t actually need it, and that it’s weird that i’ve been to therapy twice now, wasn’t complaining to that high school counselor that my parents were so strict enough for me?

those quotes are as close to word for word as i can get, i’m pretty sure it’s exactly what was said. the conversation lasted less than a minute, before i said “i think i need to excuse myself,” and walked away. i came and sat at my desk for i don’t even know how long. i looked at myself in my phone camera, and my face had become so translucent, it was almost green from my blood veins. i walked up to my window and contemplated trying to take the screen out to climb out, but i realized that if i did jump, it would be in my neighbor’s driveway, and that felt really insensitive, so i walked away. i sat back down at my desk and contemplated all the reasons my mom was right, before i realized that she wasn’t right. i have finally realized that i’m not fine. 

i’m a depressed, suicidal 20 year old with undiagnosed adhd and ocd, a diagnosed eating disorder, and i’ve been a closeted lesbian for 13 years. i have every right to feel not okay. i didn’t need my mother’s permission to go to therapy, i have my own health insurance and i’m an adult who feels the need to ask for help, and that’s okay.

so i did what i do best, and spewed verbal diarrhea onto my private snap story about what happened and how i’ve been feeling these last few days. my brother’s classes ended early, so i took the opportunity to leave the house as soon as possible, and we took as long as possible to get to the fedex drop box, before i dropped him back at home and kept driving around, trying to process how i felt. i didn’t return either of my textbooks. i think i’m just going to send the one i bought in october after christmas, idk when it’s due but i can’t deal with the fucking lines at the post office anymore. i walked up to the post office, looked at the winding line into a building where the lovely hicks in my hometown refuse to wear masks, decided i wasn’t ready to get covid yet, and went to deposit cash so i could buy weed. i’ll just bite the $40 and buy the one that was due today, maybe i’ll give it to someone next semester. 

i got home and responded to my friends’ responses to my story. i got an overwhelmingly positive and loving response from my friends. every single one stuck up for me, supported me, and shared that they’ve been feeling similarly. which is heartbreaking, i can’t believe that all of us have been dealing with this so privately! but anyway, that’s a tomorrow issue. 

after i did that, i was ordering my weed when barista texted me, saying they had a question for me, which, when you have a major crush on a coworker with a girlfriend, is a very concerning text to receive. turns out, they just made me earrings! they walked their dog to my house and delivered the insanely cool polymer clay snake earrings. when i greeted them with a hug, they pulled me in so close, literally every part of their body was pressed against mine and my cheek rested on their head so perfectly. they’re on the shorter side, probably 3-4 inches shorter than me, but so strong. the way their arms felt around my back was wild, it was so tight but so gentle but so firm but so, so warm and soft. their hair was soft but frizzy and smelled like them and a little bit like an argan oil shampoo and a little like coffee. their eyes are so much more intensely ice blue in the sun. they hugged me the same way goodbye, and we chatted for a good portion of the evening, about our coworkers and being homeschooled and being nerdy high schoolers and the earrings.

i finally got one chapter done before dinner was ready at 8:30pm, which is late, even by our standards. after dinner, as i was decorating a sugar cookie named gerard, my parents kept making snarky comments about me being a stoner, and i was like yes, bold statements coming from the parents that just used my account to buy a tincture and edibles. anyway, i came upstairs and tried to read more but i’m too emotionally exhausted. eve ended up giving me a call, finally, and filled me in on her life, which is always crazy but i love to hear her voice, so it’s okay. then i learned a tiktok dance, which left me concerningly out of breath, considering it’s only been like 4 days since i ran and i can’t be that out of shape? but i showered and did my skincare routine and made sure my laundry was in the dryer before i sat down to start this. 

it’s now 11:20pm, and i’m very proud to report that i am no longer angry with my mother for what she said to me. i’m sad that it’s how she feels, but i recognize that what i’m going through is something she will never understand, as a straight woman who, while prudish, has a healthy relationship with drugs and sex. i love her, and i forgive her, but i’m going to talk to her tomorrow and hold her accountable for gaslighting her already unstable daughter. what she did wasn’t fair, and it hurt. i know she probably feels insecure because she definitely does have things she knows she should go to therapy for, i know for a fact that she faced a lot of childhood and adolescent trauma and i would personally love to make sure she’s in a healthy place with it. but i can’t force her to, obviously, so i have to just hope that she doesn’t project on to me too much in the coming weeks.

i’m exhausted, and i think i’ll go to bed. i feel good about how i handled today, i caught myself in time to think through my actions before i did something completely unwarranted and unhinged. i know that at the time, my brain was in flight mode and i couldn’t cope immediately so i just followed the “i want to die” instinct because it was the strongest, but i still had enough of my logical brain in gear to have forethought. look at you go, prefrontal cortex! knowing that the part of me that is still healthy and wants to live is strong enough to put the kibosh on that maneuver is enough to give me hope that i will be okay someday. i never thought that i would be someone to be experiencing things like this. i really thought that people were being dramatic, if i’m being totally honest. now that i’m experiencing it, i understand. i’m sorry that i didn’t have more empathy.

[havegaysex]

This is just a train of thought essay, I guess to get some feelings out so I can process them, because I don't have therapy this week and it's my first week off since starting treatment and I've been doing a lot of processing on my own but it's hard when I get stuck in loops because I don't remember what I just said, if you do for some reason decide to read this, trigger warnings for abuse and CSA and probably other stuff but I don't know

I use speech to text and sometimes mumble or talk too fast so there may be some weird wording but I don't want to proof this.

I really hope Tumblr cuts this off so there's a read more, I'm doing it from mobile and I don't know how to make that happen on the phone app

I started learning about dissociative identity disorder because I have a friend who has it, and before she told me about her diagnosis she sent me some YouTube videos and some reading on it I guess to kind of gauge my reaction before telling me, which is understandable,

and then my brain being what it is and having a huge special interest in psychology I hyper fixated on it for a bit,

and I started this research deep dive after I started therapy, and I started realizing that my therapist has been pointing out things that are symptoms of a dissociative disorder for a little bit now, which would explain a lot of things that I haven't been able to get explained with other physical or mental diagnoses

and she gave me a referral for "diagnostic clarity" and I'm just waiting for that to go through, and I'm not self-diagnosing but I feel like I relate way too much to DID and OSDD to be singlet (not system),

and I had no idea that any of this stuff wasn't normal because my whole life was just focused on survival and my brain did what it needed to so that I could survive the highly abusive and volatile environment I grew up in, and now that I am halfway out a lot of stuff is starting to surface that was suppressed or hidden before,

I used to be really high functioning towards the end of high school because it was avoidance, I spent 14 hours a day at school and completed over a year and a half's worth of classes in one semester to get caught up after failing, and then college started out rough but it started getting okay my second semester, and then covid hit which caused me to have to withdraw because I couldn't do online school, and now I'm taking a semester off to do intense mental health and physical health therapy,

and I don't know how to function,

I don't know how to function without being in a high pressure environment where I'm scared of verbal, emotional, and occasionally physical abuse,

Now that I'm existing in a space where I have privacy and I'm allowed to have feelings and thoughts of my own I don't know how to take care of myself,

At first I thought I was just depression and maybe for a little bit it was because I have a bit of seasonal effective disorder, and one of my friends went a few states away and he's going to be gone for almost a year, and I went through some other stuff that definitely should trigger depression

But after getting my physical pain under control again, and increasing and being better at taking my antidepressants regularly and realizing that it's so much more,

I was never allowed to become my own person and have a solid sense of identity, because self-expression was punished I became as my therapist says "fragmented" and I learned to suppress a lot of parts of myself,

I have huge gaps in my memory and people I know now who knew me back then have talked about things that I supposedly did and said and the person I supposedly was during some of those gaps and I just don't understand who they're talking about, I know to them that person and me are the same person but to me they're talking about someone that I don't know, I have no recollection of ever being that person,

At my last in-person therapy appointment she had me start telling her The narrative of my life and at first I thought I didn't have many memories from before 5 years old but it's like she had a switch in me and once I started I just kept going and I feel like I haven't fully been the same person since that session because it pulled something from deep within me that I haven't been able to put back in its box,

And it's been getting worse the farther I get from that visit

For the past week I've probably eaten two days worth of food and I've maybe had four days of water, because my body just can't handle eating and drinking as much as it should for being this size, I don't like feeling like my body is too big for me, I feel like I'm in a grown-up's body and I'm still a kid but I know that I'm an adult, I'm expected to do adult things even though I have no idea how to start doing that, because on top of abuse holding me back and mental health issues I have physical health issues that make it impossible for me to do a lot of minimum wage jobs,

I don't have fully realized different parts of myself the way it seems like a lot of people with dissociative identity disorder do, but I definitely feel like a different version of me is running the show sometimes and I don't understand the actions of my past self because that's something my current self would never ever do or think or feel or say,

And I've always had a kind of discomfort in my body because of dysphoria as well as being bullied for my appearance and having adults make comments on my body when I was way too young as well as being groomed by pedophiles and then having my mom threatened to kill herself over it instead of sitting down with me and having an actual conversation about how starting to have sexual feelings wasn't that horrible but it was the fact that I was talking to adults who were four times my age that was the problem,

And on top of that I went through Catholic School as a girl who was realizing that she was into other girls

And my personal Catholic School experience told me that sex was wrong unless it was for the purpose of procreation and female sexual pleasure is always wrong and homosexuality is also always wrong and that I need to be thoroughly ashamed of being this way because I am having eternal damnation over this thing that I have no choice in,

Recently every time that I try to exist as a sexual human being I experienced the personalization and I stopped being able to look at any piece of my body and I have to avoid mirrors for my reflection because it makes me feel so mentally and physically uncomfortable because in my head that's not me and that's not my body, even though I know both of those are false it doesn't change the fact that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin,

It's so hard to do basic self-care things because in where I'm living right now I can't shower in the dark because I'm not familiar with the shower which means that either I shower in my clothes or I don't bathe at all, and because I can't drink the tap water here I've been getting dehydrated because sometimes I love tea especially green tea, but sometimes I can't stand the taste of it and I just want plain water which I don't have here,

Don't get me wrong this living situation is insane amount better than previous ones, and up until the past week and a half or so I was functioning adequately, but it's like pieces of me that I had to walk away are coming out now and they don't know how to function in any environment but especially in this one where we don't fear getting kicked out over something like not doing the dishes correctly, and I have more privacy than I've had in the past 10 years combined, and it's weird to me I think autonomy, when I go back to my abusive environment I don't have this kind of autonomy, it sucks because in one environment I feel like I have too much autonomy even though I have a very healthy amount of autonomy for my age, and in the other environment I don't have enough even though even theere I have more autonomy than I've ever had because I fought tooth and nail for it, but it's still way less than I should have

I don't know how to exist and feel comfortable anywhere, I don't know how to take care of myself anymore, and I know this won't last because none of my moods/thought patterns ever do, but it'll likely come back because they tend to come back,

I feel like I've been in a dissociative fog for the past few months and sometimes I'm highly functional and I get a lot of things done but sometimes I can't even brush my teeth or eat anything, because my mouth feels so different and I can't tolerate things being in my mouth,

Nothing that I do feels right, video games I used to enjoy, TV shows, movies, food, music, at best I just don't get the full enjoyment of it that I usually do, at worst it triggers a negative mood because I'm reminded of how much I don't feel like myself right now,

And the isolation of being in a global pandemic doesn't help, texting people is great but you can't get held while you cry over text,

It could be worse I suppose because at least I know that how I'm feeling and thinking right now won't last, in previous bad mental health episodes one of the fears I would have is that I would be stuck that way, and now I know better than to think that which definitely helps eliminate or at the very least minimize the feelings of hopelessness and despair