#then actually fuck you even more. you came into my inbox without even knowing context & just started bitching

[000marie198]

“Sickens me that people will just filter out specific tags and posts when we stop using trigger warnings-”

Bold of you to declare that more people should suffer because they’re missing a few posts that might trigger unhealthy coping mechanisms if seen. Deepened depression, panic-induced spirals, and traumatic flashbacks are worth it if they can find out that something else terrible happened to someone today.

Using guilt as a blade is not cool.

People block trigger warnings because they know they might be triggered. There’s a reason they exist. That is literally the whole reason that these tags exist. To warn people.

But, you gave your opinion on this already with your blatant, “Like actually fuck you and your mental health-” because it’s not really that important, right?

No you self entitled bastard it isn't

Not in the current scheme of things. Not when some of you are actively silent and trying to ignore what is happening to the point of missing most of the context and believing the exact agenda being fed to you.

Some thing are like actually bigger than you.

Also, I believe you missed the entire point of the original post and only picked specific lines so let me explain this properly. Trigger warnings are extremely important but when an entire populace got bombed and so many in the world turned a blind eye to it, those spreading the actual true news stopped hiding it behind such filters so some of you would actually look and see what's been happening and being ignored and a fact completely misunderstood due to propaganda. But since it all was so horrific, it would be censored either way. Cuz you know, ppl who'd been fed lies and propaganda all their lives tend to ignore words and suffering of the entire damn planet unless it involves themselves. So mentions (not images, mentions) of some things go uncensored. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FUCKING CENSOR HORROR OF THIS MAGNITUDE!

But lo and behold I have ppl in my inbox complaining about their own needs and trying to turn around and guilt trip me while saying guilt is not a good weapon.

This isn't guilt, it's rage. Its sorrow and anger and pain and empathy and so much more coming out as rage.

Also, thanks so much for trying to derail the main point. I was talking about people filtering out tags such as "Palestine" and "Gaza" etc so they don't have to see any news

Personally I can't bring myself to watch some things either, it messes with my head too, and yes I do skip some of it. But it doesn't fucking mean I actively try to stay out of the loop by blocking the tags that aren't actually trigger warnings but just main tags related to the news. Just so you don't have to feel anything and don't feel guilt for being complicit by staying silent

I'm not using guilt as a blade. Guilt exists naturally whenever one does something wrong and knows it. If the guilt is unprompted by the words of others then you're doing something wrong and you know it. Blocking "Palestine" and "Gaza" made you feel guilty? That's bcoz you're at fault for ignoring it all. If seeing it brought you pain and you did nothing but ignore it and block it, never spoke up of it, never learned the background, you're the one in the wrong and your guilt is your own not induced by anyone, especially by those who are angry, who aren't even trying to guilt trip you in the first place.

Stop forcing people to take drastic measures when it comes to knowing the truth that those imperialistic opaque domes hide and maybe we'd actually respect your rules.

But none of us have to follow your rules when your humanity is dead

[nothorses]

Aren't you the one with the weird ass misogyny kink

This is such a perfect example of how fucking stupid callout culture is, actually.

For context, nearly two years ago now, a few blogs known for picking fights & starting harassment campaigns picked a fight & started a harassment campaign against first one transmasc blogger, then a bunch of other transmascs they harassed about reblogging his post who either didn't respond to them, or who responded unfavorably.

I won't get into the nitty-gritty here, but I did elsewhere [1] [2] and so have a few other folks.

I wasn't the original person called out. I was tacked on after the fact because I didn't respond.

What I've been "called out" for since then is, essentially, a bunch of complete bullshit made up by people who are pissed off that I encouraged people to think critically about the callout posts they came across.

Even among those lies, my sex life, kinks, fetishes, whatever- none of it has ever come up. Because I don't engage with that online, I never have, and I never will, for exactly this reason.

Would you be surprised if I told you this wasn't the first time I'd been accused of the "crimes" that original person was accused of?

You probably shouldn't be! This shit happens all the time, and it's only a natural progression of the callout culture it all stems from: one person has some shit they said taken out of context and painted in a bad light by a vindictive and usually transphobic internet loser, everyone who doesn't publicly disavow them immediately and without question is guilty by association, and what reason do they have to defend this person anyway, except so they can get away with the same thing? They must be doing it too!

And this ask especially is phrased in such a blatantly manipulate way. There's no good way to answer this: either I say "yes, but" and people stop thinking or caring there, or I say "no, here's what really happened" and I look weak and dubious for defending myself at all. The accusation has been made, the question has been asked, and now everything I say is with the assumption that this is something I am responsible for proving or disproving.

It's stupid and pointless and it's all fucking made up. It's designed to run on instinctive disgust and outrage, and what better conduit is there for rage and disgust than trans people? Especially trans people who talk about being trans.

And even putting all that aside: who fucking cares?

Who cares if one dude gets off to some shit he, in real life, both suffers from and actively tries to combat? Why are you so concerned with the private sexual fantasies of one random internet stranger? Why is it so important to you that everyone in the world know what this one dude thinks is hot when acted out between two consenting adults?

Come off anon and tell me all your kinks, anon. Tell me every single thing you have ever been turned on by, everything you've masturbated to, and why. I want detailed notes. I want links to porn. If you've made art, written fanfic, roleplayed- I want to see it.

C'mon, if this should be publicly available knowledge, let's start with you. It shouldn't matter as long as none of it's weird or off-putting to anyone else, right? You don't need to hide anything, right? There's nothing there you'd be embarrassed about, nothing you'd rather keep private, right? So what's the hold-up, why haven't you done this already? Why are you on anon to begin with; what are you hiding?

If anyone's the "sex freak" or whatever, anon, it's you. Nobody fucking needs this information about anyone, especially if they aren't sexually involved with each other. It's a massive invasion of privacy, and much more importantly it is textbook sexual harassment.

Anyway. Hi, voc and w-oc. I should be more surprised to see you two in my inbox, but I guess yall are obsessive enough to respond to, literally, a couple of tags on one reblog containing undefined, contextless acronyms of your urls. Hope you talk to a therapist about that someday.

[kithtaehyung]

Okay, not trying to monopolize the inbox lol, but ive been thinking about things all morning, and i want to give context to my reactions to some things because you’re so talented you deserve to know exactly how much this affected me!

- Oh god, Ryen, dont take this from us: “Yoongi decides that he wants more of it. In a lot of other aspects of his life.”

He’s wanting things for himself! Yes, reader was the catalyst, but everyone gets inspired by something, and you kind of have to to come out of dark shit. That he’s gotten to a point where he wants to be better for HIMSELF! In more ways than outside the relationship! I know this was discussed more in the interlude, but this line right here hit me right in the feels. The way you have fully given us this example of what this type of growth looks like, how painful that process can be while it’s happening!

- “If he’s gonna bow out, he’s gonna do all the shit he wants to do first. One last time before reality fully severs the string that shouldn’t have tethered to your heart.” No he’s going to break her… no no no no no

I love that i was proven wrong here, that even if he didn’t open up to her, she would have been okay, that she learned how to be okay for herself!!! It still would have been devastating for me, but she would have been okay!!

- “If it was Yuri instead…” oop!!

Again you explored this further (i just love your writing, man), when she was talking about feeling betrayed. I love this exploration of the role reversal!! I’m guessing when they tell bro or in the build-up to that you’ll go more i to WHY she would feel betrayed… I’m trying to imagine one of my friends dating one of my sisters behind my back, maybe i just hate my sister’s current boyfriend enough that i can’t relate lol

- “Of course, this could just be another byproduct of your worrying, so you blaze past it. No more of that, remember? He’s proven himself over and over that you don’t have to second guess.” Ryen no!!!! How could you!!! Worry, girl worry!!!!

Ryen, I was gonna throw hands if my girl’s non-worrying was punished!!! Seriously though, just the way you show this growth in her thought process and how it can be hard to find where you can trust your instincts, but how she can do that by clearly identifying the external cues that give actual credence to the fear! It’s like a masterclass! I’m taking notes! I feel weird that my feedback is mostly about like… how you demonstrate anxiety… But it’s the way you talk about something so important (at the very least to me, but im guessing a whole lot of people) in a way that’s clear but still entertaining, emotional, is a catalyst for conflict and resolution story-wise in a way that’s true to life. It’s so good!!

- “This old, silly man.”

My favorite fucking line. Especially bc when i watch videos and clips of real life Yoongi i express this same sentiment all the time lol! Also this as the turning point for her realizing how she impacts him, of not just seeing herself as the recipient of good things in this relationship. Chefs kiss!

- “And you’ll be okay. No matter what happens now, you’ll brave those waters.”

Like i said before, this was so great! The joy i felt here for her! I felt so proud!!

- “Holy fuck, what else has he been screaming without a word? “ shit

‘Screaming without a word’ that hit me so hard! Just making me feel things over here without holding my hand?!?!?

- “Yoongi [10:06pm]: It’s all good. I got us” oh thank fuck

Not my distrustful ass ruminating last night about whether Jimin or Tae took his phone to reassure her bc he’s actually freaking out smh Literally none of my predictions of angst have been right! Need to get like reader and take your cues and not make up pain in my head!

I’m so glad i came across your blog and this story! You’ve given me so much, and done so in the most masterful way! Such a talent!!

-🚌

BUSSSS IM FINALLY HERE DFKDSF you posted this so quickly after forfeit dropped, too.. goodness. i will try not to be this late to responding again omfg i feel so bad for all the late ass responses T^T

Okay, not trying to monopolize the inbox lol, but ive been thinking about things all morning, and i want to give context to my reactions to some things because you’re so talented you deserve to know exactly how much this affected me!

you aren't monopolizing omg!! you can send as many messages as you want to, anytime<33

- Oh god, Ryen, dont take this from us: “Yoongi decides that he wants more of it. In a lot of other aspects of his life.”

He’s wanting things for himself! Yes, reader was the catalyst, but everyone gets inspired by something, and you kind of have to to come out of dark shit. That he’s gotten to a point where he wants to be better for HIMSELF! In more ways than outside the relationship! I know this was discussed more in the interlude, but this line right here hit me right in the feels. The way you have fully given us this example of what this type of growth looks like, how painful that process can be while it’s happening!

you really do have to get yourself out of dark shit, bc at the end of the day you only have you! and i'm glad you noticed that he wants to be better for himself before anything else. that's the growth that i want all of us to have, not just our beloved 3tan yoongi. and it really can be so painful and scary?? but we will all be better for it when we start that process.

- “If he’s gonna bow out, he’s gonna do all the shit he wants to do first. One last time before reality fully severs the string that shouldn’t have tethered to your heart.” No he’s going to break her… no no no no no

I love that i was proven wrong here, that even if he didn’t open up to her, she would have been okay, that she learned how to be okay for herself!!! It still would have been devastating for me, but she would have been okay!!

i'm glad you were proven wrong, too! because we all expect the worst (3tan yoongi very much included) but that didn't happen. reader would've been okay because they are so strong, but i'm glad that things unfolded the way they did.

- “If it was Yuri instead…” oop!!

Again you explored this further (i just love your writing, man), when she was talking about feeling betrayed. I love this exploration of the role reversal!! I’m guessing when they tell bro or in the build-up to that you’ll go more i to WHY she would feel betrayed… I’m trying to imagine one of my friends dating one of my sisters behind my back, maybe i just hate my sister’s current boyfriend enough that i can’t relate lol

AHHH YES. not a lot of people talked about the realization that reader had when thinking about the situation if it was flipped. like what if bro was hooking up with one of her friends? what if it was one of the friends we are used to seeing?? like that would be awkward as hell!! so why wouldn't reader and yoongi's situation be perceived any differently?

it's always fun to introduce new perspectives, especially when we're so entrenched in one for a long time. reality is a b it ch sometimes so there's that lol

- “Of course, this could just be another byproduct of your worrying, so you blaze past it. No more of that, remember? He’s proven himself over and over that you don’t have to second guess.” Ryen no!!!! How could you!!! Worry, girl worry!!!!

Ryen, I was gonna throw hands if my girl’s non-worrying was punished!!! Seriously though, just the way you show this growth in her thought process and how it can be hard to find where you can trust your instincts, but how she can do that by clearly identifying the external cues that give actual credence to the fear! It’s like a masterclass! I’m taking notes!

DFLSDFHSD you really brought out to the masterclass word i'm gonna cry!! but yes, i knew reader has matured mentally up to this point - i mean, it's been a few chapters, so.. gotta see some incremental growth throughout them all! to show that growth in different ways is certainly a challenge, but one that i am very fine with trying to overcome.

I feel weird that my feedback is mostly about like… how you demonstrate anxiety… But it’s the way you talk about something so important (at the very least to me, but im guessing a whole lot of people) in a way that’s clear but still entertaining, emotional, is a catalyst for conflict and resolution story-wise in a way that’s true to life. It’s so good!!

whoa whoa don't feel weird about that at alllll, bus. you know my writing is intentional, so everything i bring up and talk about? you bet it's on purpose.

what is writing if not a little bit of social commentary? anxiety, depression, and any other mental subjects people deal with are prevalent and need to be discussed - and taught accurately about - a lot more. whether people pick up on these subjects while reading or not, i want them to be as normally presented as they would show up in life. because they're there.

we can't shy away from these things or see them as weaknesses, either, bc they are not.

- “This old, silly man.”

My favorite fucking line. Especially bc when i watch videos and clips of real life Yoongi i express this same sentiment all the time lol! Also this as the turning point for her realizing how she impacts him, of not just seeing herself as the recipient of good things in this relationship. Chefs kiss!

AHAHAH YESSS we love our silly old man that's my age but i digress. and the realization hidden in this line, too? i'm glad you noticed<33 now reader knows that they aren't alone in the cloudy mind department.

- “And you’ll be okay. No matter what happens now, you’ll brave those waters.”

Like i said before, this was so great! The joy i felt here for her! I felt so proud!!

god, i'm so proud of both of them. i really do wanna dive back into this chapter again just to witness everything all over again.

- “Holy fuck, what else has he been screaming without a word? “ shit

‘Screaming without a word’ that hit me so hard! Just making me feel things over here without holding my hand?!?!?

ahhhh.. thank you omg.. this commentary hit me in the feels!!

- “Yoongi [10:06pm]: It’s all good. I got us” oh thank fuck

Not my distrustful ass ruminating last night about whether Jimin or Tae took his phone to reassure her bc he’s actually freaking out smh Literally none of my predictions of angst have been right! Need to get like reader and take your cues and not make up pain in my head!

SLDFDSHF the overthinking aspect is so real, too!! like yes it makes for something to write about but dear god i know how overthinking can really get to you.

I’m so glad i came across your blog and this story! You’ve given me so much, and done so in the most masterful way! Such a talent!!

thank you so much for everything, bus!! you've been so wonderful to have here and i'm glad you're enjoying all the writing. i am blushing so hard right now LOL you better quit before i cry even more!

[bionic-penis]

hey uhm.. I don't know how to tell you this.. but Sk8 has been spreading rumors about you being a groomer among other things on a few servers, mostly through voice chat when they've gotten him talking about artfight. so i was just wondering.. why are you sticking up for someone who spreads heinous rumors about you?

Hi. I has a question. Do you guys think that when someone says "proof" they mean "testimony"? Or are you all just willfully ignorant? Fuck if words alone were enough to condemn someone we'd all be in jail.

No but in all seriousness, this is one of three asks I came home to, all one right after the other (yeah.... that's not curious at all....). Two of which mentioned (alleged) grooming allegations against me. So I think I deserve a lil bit of a long response.

See, the thing is, even if Awodee was saying that about me, I would not change my stance. The fact of the matter is no actual evidence has been provided for the claims made against them. Not in the original journal made by CandyRotten, the subsequent asks sent to an (admittedly) mismanaged drama blog, nor in the asks that have been sent to me regarding the situation (save for the initial ask that just.... linked the "evidence" in the journal???). Even if Awodee DID do what people are claiming they did, you can't claim that someone did something without proof. It sets a horrible precedent and can make it more difficult to help and support victims in the future.

That's not even mentioning the doubts I have that these alleged rumours are even being spread. I have had zero contact with Awodee on any platform and even have them blocked here on Tumblr. The only way they'd know about me is if they found me before the block, or if someone else helped them get my info. Regarding Artfight, Awodee hasn't been active for a month so... yeah I doubt they'd be talking about me in accordance to Artfight (especially since my handle is different there than it is here). Whatever it is, I don't care. It wouldn't make sense considering spreading rumours about someone who is defending them would in turn make themself look worse.

This is all ignoring just how fucking internet-poisoned you have to be to come into a third party's inbox in order to bark at him for false rumours being spread with absolutely zero evidence.

This is the sixth ask out of eight that I've been sent regarding this situation and the fourth one in an inbox of six. All anonymous. All with various levels of aggression. One even posited that I knew Awodee. I haven't been answering those asks because I don't find it productive and because I thought that, given enough time, y'all would leave me the fuck alone. Clearly that is not happening since the first ask I answered was on September 10th meaning it's been almost a month. I'm hesitant to call it harassment but....

For a while it was fine and even a little funny. I would screenshot the ask, send it to a group chat, and me and my friends would take turns poking holes in the arguments presented. It's not funny anymore. The asks I have received have been manipulative, lacking in empathy, and antagonistic. One of the asks I received today even said that they thought it was "kinda hilarious" that I've been (allegedly) accused of being a groomer considering my defense of Awodee.... So you admit false grooming allegations are funny as long as you view the victim of said allegations as someone less than or opposed to you?

Below I've included a screenshot of said ask with full context and image description. Even with this, take it with a grain of salt as screenshots can be faked.

You guys want to stake claim to some kind of moral high ground, but you are so lacking in so many departments you've contradicted your own sense of moral purity. Because if Awodee WAS saying something like this about me, someone who had defended them, wouldn't that make me one of you guys? A victim? Someone who had fallen prey to Awodee's nasty, manipulative behaviour? But instead of compassion or sympathy you come into my inbox with the intention to make me feel bad for my choices. Then again, this isn't the first time I've seen victim-blaming behaviour pop up in this whole situation. Not only that but.... if they're so bad why are you hanging out with them?

But to answer your question: I'm "sticking up" for Awodee because I looked at the evidence, analysed the journal and subsequent asks sent, and came to the conclusion that the evidence was flawed, that the asks were simply testimony (or hearsay in other cases), and that there are other factors clearly at play. Again, even if they are spreading rumours about me I would not change my mind. Even if I hate someone that doesn't mean I can condemn them for something that that haven't been proven to do. That's irresponsible and, again, sets a bad precedent.

TLDR: You have no proof of any of the claims made in this ask, but you are also one of MANY anon's I have received asks from over an extensive period of time. I doubt these rumors are being spread, but even if they were my stance remains unchanged until actual evidence is provided. Also you all fucking suck for trying to turn this shit around on me when I would be the victim in this situation. Also you're bad at evidence.

[sunriseverse]

i don’t follow anyone else into mdzs and i’m having thoughts so they’re going into your inbox (sorry… *rattles my cage*) but you know that quote that’s like “when is a monster not a monster? oh, when you love it” well i’m thinking about it specifically in the context of yi city. that’s all bye bye (*cage rattles louder*) (wait i have more to say because in the short time xue yang was actually shown friendship or love or care or however you wish to think of it he just decided to stop being evil. he just got bored. and then it crumbled in an instant and he started being evil again and *i’m shot by a sniper*)

okay. first of all. how dare you come to me, in this the time of my convalescence, and whack me over the head with the iron anvil that is this quote in this context. i’ll literally never be the same again and it’s your fault (<3333)

secondly. i am so honoured you came to me with this!!!!!! i am not generally someone people turn to with their concepts and thoughts (as much as i wish it was different…………alas!), so thank you! i will attempt to answer this with the same care and love i can see even in your short ask. this is going under the cut because uh. it got long. oops!

the thing about xy is, to me, he reads very much as the other side of the coin that jgy is on, to drag my other mdzs beloved into this. in both cases, they’re seen as the lowest of the low—jgy’s mother is a sex worker, and xy is an orphan with no social status. both of them are demonstrated to be talented and have a drive to learn—jgy is a fucking excellent…….whatever his position with the nie is (i can never remember what it’s called, in cql or in the novel, but it doesn’t matter much; he’s undeniably good at his job), spy, sect leader, and yes, xiandu/chief cultivator. xy, on the other hand, is undeniably fucking brilliant—he manages to drag himself into cultivation basically without any help for most of his formative years, and then makes sense of wwx’s basically incoherent ramblings and more coherent, but still incredibly hard to parse to anyone who doesn’t 1. know what they’re looking at or 2. isn’t able to make incredible leaps of logic to connect his work—because wwx wasn’t just a genius, he was a literal, actual pioneer; no one had done what he was doing before—notes. i think this is part of why jgy keeps xy around for so long, even if he doesn’t enjoy his methods—he sees a bit of himself in him. (also, xy is dead useful—dead messy and slightly sadistic, too, but hey, we all have our faults, some of us are just a bit more bloody about them.)

the thing is, though—xy demonstratively did not have any sort of love shown to him at all, possibly ever, in any way, up until yi city. jgy, whose life sucks in so many other ways, had two saving graces of connection: his mother, and lxc. xy had………….no one. zilch. nada. sifir. ling. and so forth. you could argue this is because he makes himself unlovable, but if you think about that for more than three seconds, it’s wildly clear that it’s a (very shitty, self-destructive) coping mechanism—if they’re going to call me trash, if they’re going to call me insane, if they’re going to call me a monster, a nightmare—fine, i will be. i’ll take control of the narrative and show them just how bad i can be.

and then…………yi city. a man who doesn’t even know who he is finds him bloodied and weak, and doesn’t stab him in the back. he carries him to his home, and he cares for him. and xy, i would imagine, is waiting, this entire time, for the other show to drop. surely, he’s going to recognise him. surely he’s going to turn around and say, ah hah, i’ve got you now, you monster! i’m going to take you to the authorities and have them finish you off, because you are a bad person and i am a good person and that’s how this goes. and the entire time, he’s telling himself—as soon as it does, i’m going to kill him. as soon as it does, i’m going to take my revenge. but it………..doesn’t. xxc keeps weaving baskets with him. and going to the market with him. and living his life with him. turning his back and not assuming xy is going to stick jiangzai in it. (and probably telling him terrible jokes that barely count as jokes that xy laughs at far more loudly than he really needs to, because half the comedy is watching the gentle breeze be so goddamn bad at something.)

and xy, for the first time in his life, realises: oh shit. maybe i do want this. maybe i do want peace, of a mundane variety. maybe making myself sharp and harsh and hating and deadly wasn’t making me happy. maybe…………..being happy is letting your guard down around someone, and they don’t take advantage of it. (he would never think the word love, i think, even with a sword at his throat—“trust” is as close as he is ever going to allow himself to come to conceptualising it, less a fuckton of emotional development and growth, but i digress.) and like………..yes, it’s functionally a castle built on a bed of sand. at the start, xy deceives xxc into doing a fuckton of objectively bad shit. he’s the reason sl lost his eyes, and the reason xxc gave his up, and the reason the gentle breeze and the winter frost are no longer spoken of in the same sentence. but also—not to engage in therapy speak here, but this is something where you kind of have to employ dialectical thought: he can have done horrible fucked up things, and still want love. he can have hurt xxc, and be loved by him. he can have done bad, and have stopped doing so. he can be bad, and still be a person. (that last one, i think, is something xxc would fully agree with—were he to have found out xy was, well, xy, but living with him and not causing any trouble (unless you count threatening the farmers at the market who try and cheat a blind man out of his meagre savings, but i think a qing and i are both in agreement that this isn’t really a crime), i think he would not have killed him. i don’t even think he would have turned him in to the authorities. i think xy would be in for, possibly, in the future, a very long conversation he wouldn’t particularly enjoy due to its necessitating of laying things bare, but he would survive it. i think, at the end of things, xxc’s guiding philosophy in life is not, for all his idealism, that things are immutable—i think he would be pleased that xy has changed his ways, and decided to do good, rather than continuing to harm others.)

and then he fucks up. or sl fucks up. or they both fuck up. whose fault it is doesn’t matter; the end result is the same: xy’s temporary peace, his safe haven, crumbles. and he turns back to who he was before, because at least that’s easy. at least that’s certain. peace, happiness, trust—that’s all dust on the wind. you can’t put stock in that, his experience has clearly taught him that, once again, more harshly than anything else. you can love a monster, but if you leave it—it’s going to be a monster again, because that’s easier than trying to crawl on its hands and knees through the mud and pay penance by itself.

[esther-dot]

Jonsa is cute and all but we all know jonrya is the real deal. Like his dying thoughts were of her, twice. And then he died trying to get to her with the words I want my bride back. Not to mention Varys describes his ideal queen as Arya. I forget what passage but he talked about what makes a queen and it perfectly suits arya.

I object to jonry@ for a lot of reasons, a big one being loving someone as a sister isn’t foreshadowing for a romantic relationship, it’s loving them as a sibling. I filtered the tag years ago, but before I did that, what I saw seemed to take their declarations of familial love and insist it was something else altogether. That’s weird as heck! But, we all interpret foreshadowing differently, until we get another book we can’t say anything conclusive (well, I do think we all know Martin isn’t going to make Jon perv on a prepubescent girl…), so to me, the biggest issue is how would he write the nature of their bond changing without making it weird? I talked about this some before:

(link)

The distance between Jon and Sansa allows him to build something there they takes them (and the reader) by surprise. I talk more about the problems with trying to write Jonry@ in that ask.

As for your second message:

The fun part of being in a fandom that consists of a bunch of people is that we all have different takes. I’ve never looked at the above as Jonsa foreshadowing. I think it’s an odd use of the phrase that everywhere else is in a romantic context:

Including when it is specifically mentioned in reference to Sansa:

The romantic version of this quote is firmly established, and seeing as no one has yet fallen in love with Sansa and marriage/love is a huge part of her story, I expect someone to. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, here’s the Jon one:

You fabricated the “grey” thing to associate this with Arya.

A reasonable way to debunk this as Jonsa evidence is to say that scene is about Jon following his father’s (Ned’s) teachings, seeing innocence in his eyes and therefore refusing to kill an innocent man. Nothing to do with Jonsa. Easy peasy.

Instead you came into my inbox to accuse us of stealing Jonry@ foreshadowing which, in order to pretend it’s Jonry@ foreshadowing, you had to misrepresent the quote.

Also, have you ever looked into a well? Not only did the quote say “black” (not grey), the water in a deep well appears black. Sometimes there’s a reflection, but even then, the water itself, squid ink. It makes no sense to accuse Jonsas of nitpicking when at least they’re looking at the use of a repeated phrase when you went and just ignored what was written to insert an Arya reference — something that isn’t there at all.

Anyway, I think the replay of pre canon stuff is very interesting, so I don’t diminish Jon wanting to save Arya ( a la Brandon wanting to save Lyanna), at all. But again, this is when we run into that “weird as fuck” interpretation thing. If you’re saying that teenage Jon had a thing for 9yo Arya so that teenage Jon at that moment wasn’t just remembering the words from the letter but was actually thinking of little Arya as his bride… it’s just nasty. Not the nastiest thing I’ve seen from jonry@s, but pretty damn gross.

And lastly, it doesn’t matter if Arya would or wouldn’t be a good queen. Bran is the endgame king (quotes about that in this ask) and Arya sailing away was spoiled for us years ago (if only we had listened!) when Martin talked about writing a mystery novel for her as a followup to ASOIAF (link). There are many things about the alleged ending that none of us can explain, but we don’t need to like his endgame to accept it.

The good news is, headcanons/fanfic exist! You don’t need to pester Jonsas for validation. Find some likeminded people and enjoy yourself.

[redspiderling]

You'll die on this hill huh? Blog for a racist, antisemite, transphobe, who supports paedophiles. Sorry but I don't think I can follow you anymore.

Hello to you too anon,

I don't even know how to unpack this. I'm so tired of having to answer to this fucking nonsensical narrative you guys have built. This is why if Scarlett ever went on social she'd just post a middle finger and then ghost all of you. Beyond that, it really pisses me off that you keep flooding my inbox with this bullshit. I don't come to your blog to tell you what to talk about anon. I see a lot of stupid things posted on here, but I don't go in people's spaces and say "you're stupid", because that's just not productive, and it's not nice.

But lets do this again anon, let's roll one last time, and then goodbye to you, have a nice life. Let's take it by subject:

Racist: Really? I googled racist Scarlett Johansson and literally nothing came up, other than the whitewashing accusations over her Ghost in the Shell casting. First of all, while the race of an android is something that we can go on about for a long time, and the casting of adaptations of Japanese content is another thing we can go on about for a long time (because e.g. a couple of years after GitS came out, nobody accused the actors or producers of Detective Pikachu for whitewashing, even though most of the actors on it were white), lets say I agree with you, that Scarlett shouldn't have been cast in that film. She apologised at the time, and said she wouldn't knowingly take away a role that was meant for a person from another race. After all, the role was meant to go to Margot Robbie initially, and when she dropped out due to scheduling issues, it went to Scarlett. So, the role of Major in Ghost in the Shell actually went from one white woman, to another white woman. Are you gonna go after the casting people for this, or are you gonna keep accusing Scarlett for accepting a role that she thought was meant for a white lead? You don't need to reply, it was a rhetorical question, I know you're not actually interested in figuring out how racism works in showbusiness. Lets keep going, let's say you don't believe her, and that it was entirely her fault, that at the time she took away a role that would otherwise have gone to a person of colour. Well, it's been 7 years since she was cast for that role. She's been in many, many films since then, and not once has she taken a role from a non-white person. I think 7 years is enough time passed to think this person has learned their lesson, and won't make the same mistake again.

Anti-Semite: ..................... Scarlett is Jewish, anon. She has family that died in concentration camps. See, this is how I know that you don't actually care about any of this, you just enjoy bitching on tumblr, so thanks for making my life easier. I guess I'd feel bad if I thought I actually made you uncomfortable.

Transphobe: We cannot actually know that? She hasn't made any anti-trans comments, but she hasn't supported the cause either so, who knows? Accepting the role in Rub and Tug was a mistake, and once she figured that out she admitted it, made an apology, and dropped the project. And don't make me go over the whole "I could be a tree" thing again. I can't deal. She was giving an interview for a pretentious French magazine, and the interviewer was going on and on about the art that is acting (and saying some pretty questionable things while at it), and when he asked her "what do you think is the job of an actor?" she replied that actors are people who emulate other people and can transform themselves to anyone or anything else. That was on a philosophical discussion about the actor's "job". She wasn't making a statement against trans people, in any way. She was a USB stick by the end of Lucy in 2014, she was just pointing out the obvious and then it was taken entirely out of context, and I swear my eyes will one day get stuck rolled at the back of my head, reading yet another tree "joke".

Supports paedophiles: No. What she's said is that she's known Woody Allen personally for 20 years, and that he's told her he didn't abuse his daughter, and that she believes him. That he isn't a paedophile. That is in no way "supporting paedophiles". Do I agree with this? No. I think Woody Allen is a questionable figure, at best, but I can sorta understand her position. I've said this before, I don't know how I would feel if a friend of mine was hated by the general public because he was accused of doing a horrendous crime that had actually never been proven (or disproven), and therefore I can't judge her for deciding to stand by him on this, I don't think I would have been able to do the same, but Scarlett has proven that she'll say what she believes and deal with the consequences. Fair enough.

That's it anon. Thank you for sitting around for one last rant. If Scarlett has been accused for some other shit while I was writing this, maybe for killing Kermit the frog, who knows at this point, please, don't slide in my inbox, I'm done with this and I'm certainly not above blocking. Go on and live your guilt free life, stanning white men who have done waaaay more questionable things than most female celebrities could ever hope to do in a lifetime, and yet get away from scot free for you to drool over without shame.

[sarahsjohnb]

Does Aron need more resources lol I’m tired of his white boy face when there are other poc who don’t have resources

this was the first thing i saw this morning after a horrible spate of nightmares about my dead father, so lets make like thor say i’m not in a gaming mood today.

a few points:

i’m not making resources of aron, but nice try. i tend to think when you get to the point of multiple gif hunts of different hair cuts, you have enough gif icons. and even though it doesn’t really matter, i never even considered making content of aron. you know why? i just plain don’t like him.

content creators don’t owe you shit. a radical thought, i know. but we do this on our time, out of our own enjoyment, for our own fun. we do this without payment and often with anons like you in our inbox, screaming at us to do this and that.

i know you think us making and sharing content has entitled you to criticise our every choice, and demand us to do this and that because god forbid you download photoshop and learn how to do this yourself --- but i must inform you, it doesn’t.

i’m not a blog that’s exclusively made content for white faces. so hop off my titties. you didn’t have to come at me like you have. i really don’t see how you sending this, could have ended any other way then me telling you to fuck off.

even though i don’t have to justify myself here’s a little context. i’ve been talking about making these gif icons for months now. since season three came out. i’ve had people ask me to make content of season three. and more than that --- i’ve just plain wanted too.

but since you’re SO CONCERNED about what i’m doing here’s my to do list after i finish this pack: taraji p henson, gabrielle union, dev patel, kylie bunbury, mina el hammani. it’s all poc who have little to no resources. funny that.

so in conclusion: content creators don’t owe you shit, you don’t even know who i’m actually making content of, get out of my inbox.

[panelshowsource]

i love ur journey w your mom!!! wish i had that lol tmi sarah tmi... i to this day cannot believe how many people don’t like joe wilkinson. it wasn’t until i was introduced to the reddit comments section that i came to realise how much he divides people. but some nice ol’ mom would certainly be able detect what a big fucking puppy dog sweetheart joe is despite being neck-full of lager and spam :)

i sometimes watch it when i’m going to sleep because, without an audience or laugh track, it’s peaceful af!!! there seem to be more and more ivo graham stans coming out of the wild :’) i like him, but i don’t think i could look past the cynical character he plays to actually see “adorable”... maybe i’ll have to watch it and get back to you hehe~

vent away! i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable on the blog or with panel shows in general, but there is always something happening in comedy that is subversive or problematic — and deserves re-evaluation, to put it nicely. sorry for the dumb question, but what are you implying he confirmed? this is the last thing from him i thought was explicit enough to be a not-a-confirmation-but-essentially-a-confirmation. it’s disappointing he keeps the character up when his audiences are over it, comedy audiences and britain’s got talent audiences alike. i don’t want to be a hypocrite; there was definitely a time when i thought the overarching jimmy and david romance was funny and cute, and i would probably still laugh at a good joke in that context because their friendship is fun. i’d be interested to hear what others think, but i assume we’re all in agreement... 

give me another week, i just got premiere on my work comp so i’ll at least make a 1-min compilation ;)

i think so many people relate to this! i live in nyc so there’s tons of non-new yorkers and foreigners here and i hear this alllllllll the time. but don’t worry — you don’t need to apologise for americanisms as long as they lean on the “gosh darnit!” or “howdy!” side of things ;)

sorry anon, the only show of his i have seen is the darkness of robins! does someone else wanna pipe up with a rec?

my answer is subject to change at any time so please feel free to ask me again, like, tomorrow, but for now let’s go with...

wilty was so fun!!! why is she so fucking funny and charismatic and quick and witty and cool!!! here’s all the feelings i had, not necessarily in this order:

🔥💘🤗🤗🍯😍🌟🥀😋🤠😚😚😚💞

hey there! i don’t have enough time to really dedicate to podcasts which is one of the great tragedies of my millennial life atm... that said, that is so cute!!! that would be so fun! i often wonder why d&v don’t work more together. i know david’s been on a bunch of heresy but in general can you believe how long we had to wait to see victoria on wilty again? radio work is probably pretty easy and convenient to do together without too much “look at us we’re married” fanfare that i assume they want to avoid. they talk about each other all the time, and i was so happy to see victoria even open up about barbara recently. so i just wish they would show up on more programmes together!! fingers crossed for shagged married annoyed and....taskmaster 0:-) #agirlcandream

same!!! i remember reading her birth announcement on victoria’s twitter! i totally respect their privacy but i hope we get a first day of school pic or something one day. she must be too sweet :’)

thanks :)

both of my 200gb drives are full so i need to move some stuff around and do some general housekeeping, which i can take care of this week. in the meantime, they’re always available in the subreddit! be sure to check out my faq so you know how to source things whilst i’m being slow or inactive :)

taskmaster can make you develop feelings about anyone, trust ✋ you don’t even want to see the thirst i have of david fucking baddiel in my inbox. smh. you people will thirst after anyone!!!

see?

* jk this one actually is valid

jk THIS one is actually valid

we’re gonna get you the help you need

you wouldn’t believe the kinds of miscommunications beyond chips and biscuits lmao. but it’s true in general not having a pretty serious working knowledge of popular british chains, foods, geography, etc. can make half of what gets said on a show like 8 out of 10 cats totally nonsensical. that said, i’m always impressed by how much the british panelists know about american politics 🤷‍♀️

taskmaster made me love her 20x more and i already loved her A LOT. do we need a jo taskmaster moments gifset?

sure, i would! that said, they’re all repostable, as i explain on those posts, so you can use them wherever you like, on twitter or otherwise!

hello~ i wrote a little bit here

f.a.q. // tags

[incarnateirony]

Too bad wanking at every second person doesn't pay the bills. You'd be living in a mansion... or your house, at least, instead of grandma's couch.

What irony is this that you come to my inbox hiding on anon as a keyboard warrior not realizing you just made me 10 cents because I installed an ad tracker for people like you.

I regret to inform you: If I’m minding my own shit on my own wall, and people insist on causing DM drama storms and sending wank on anon like a coward, I’m not the one wanking at people, you’re wanking at me, and you could, like. Stop. At any time. 

The same way I gave the original perp 2 weeks to stop, at any time, before the resulting rupture of their friend circuit when people actually read the whole conversation, not the parts they wanted to exploit. Which would have been entirely avoidable, if they left me. The fuck. Alone. And stopped. Trying. To sociopathically. Break. Friend. Systems. By talking. Shit. Behind. People’s. Backs. And. Exploiting. Their good faith. But luckily the people that matter have all had this straightened out. I did everything in my power to keep it from coming to this. The other side has 2 weeks of trying to fracture friend groups. Even people who had bitten this perpetrator’s absolute horse shit came around and apologized once they saw the whole history of it. I know it’s painful for people to realize they might have been acting wrong, and the internet gives people the power to double down without consequence, but that doesn’t make you any more right than it did before.

I’m very unclear how this kind of self reflection is that difficult.

Given I’m sure the new victim pose now that I’ve offered to completely reveal the truth of the warped conversation will claim that it’s bullying to clear my own name against their lies or – as one is still choosing to endorse, and literally told someone to tell me – “blackmail.” No. Offering to show the world how you are besmirching someone is not blackmail. If you were the innocent party in that FUCKING conversation and its pure form, it wouldn’t be “blackmail”. You started showing parts of the conversation around out of context. You. You did. 

Releasing the full record to clear the name of the person you’re lying on isn’t “blackmail”, beyond the fact that I’m giving them a final warning to leave. me. the fuck. alone. I don’t know what entitled bullshit universe you live in that you can lie and distort a conversation and then call it blackmail when the person goes “No here.” *hands full conversation over* Here, let’s blanket party try to beat someone down, and then cry when they swing back. Let’s threaten to call the cops on someone after you started an event, and then claim blackmail when someone turns over the video evidence of what you’ve done. That isn’t how this works. It’s “blackmail” because they’ll realize the whole world will see what they’ve been doing. And that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

I am not responsible for anyone’s feelings that shy away from stronger personality types or recoil to it. That’s your own stuff. Realize that’s your own stuff and that it doesn’t negate the reality of how you’re all acting. If you’re ashamed of that fucking conversation then maybe stop stirring shit about it and trying to make it about anyone else than it is: the people ashamed to show the entire conversation.

Actions have consequences, kiddos. And I’m 99% sure anyone else in this fandom would have raked this person out two weeks ago instead of giving them a chance to come down, to stop, to come around, and to even still now have a chance to stop before I show people just how fucking nasty they’re being. To me. To you. To their “friends.” To everyone here. 

But mysteriously, none of these self righteous goblins have turned up to ask for it. Because it isn’t about what’s right for you. It’s about what you can destroy because of your own personal internalized bullshit that is quite literally not my problem. That’s for you to cope with. None of you actually want the truth. You want convenient, personal truths divorced from reality, whatever confirms what personal bias of emotion, rather than the actual scope of the situation, that makes you feel validated. This isn’t remotely about what any of you pretend it is.

It’s y’all being mad and taking posts to heart that use words like “ignorant”, “ignorant to the LGBT history of american cinema.” Nobody knows everything. The narcissists in this fandom hate the idea that they missed a critical piece of information, but the difference between ignorance and willful ignorance is the choice to reject that in the interest of personal wants. It’s literally the entire reason the bronly lane exists even. So check your bullshit at the door. Stop being the damn jocks in school shoving someone around because they knew shit you didn’t. And no, if the kid you’ve been throwing against lockers for weeks gets video evidence and says “knock it off or I’ll take it to the principal and the student body council and you’ll end up expelled and ostracized”, that’s not blackmail. That’s fucking consequences for you being titanic douchebags. And someone being kind enough to give you one last chance to stop before you ruin yourself.

Or sure. A circus of women speaking for and over LGBT men, over history, to argue against imagined GA phantoms. I’m half sure that’s another part of why the perp doesn’t want it outted because their own text went in a loop of “it’s text but it’s not enough text because idiots will argue so it’s subtext,” when that isn’t how it works, but their continued platform is contingent on it. Or, “I’m not fighting with tinhats, I’m fighting with… other people. Not the GA openly addressing it either. People. Mostly my own, that I’m heavily party of convincing that the text I admitted is text is subtext because I want to argue with literally nobody but the people I personally continue to convince we need to argue about this.” So yeah. I bet once that went full circle, they felt pretty fucking stupid with just being asked simple questions. Who? Where? What people? How does that change text being text? Low visibility text is still fucking text. 

No, you don’t get to say I’m telling people to stop fighting for rep when I say the exact opposite. It’s that pedaling backwards isn’t even 0% helpful, it’s negative helpful, and erasing yourselves and your own content is 0% progressive just to argue with phantom foes. But you *feeling* stupid and me *calling* you stupid are two different things. And yes, smart people can get dumb ideas. If you see some rando post calling history-ignorance and resulting behavior bad– well. Yeah. *jazz hands* Now how you internalize that as an attack on your entire essence is a whole other fucking bag, rather than going “Hmmm maybe I should educate myself in this area.” Plenty of others have. You’re the ones not only digging in your heels, but turning into graveyard dwelling hyenas about it to attack the person who said the thing you internalized. No, even if you *think someone thinks you’re stupid* because of how you internalized things, going out of your way to literally lie on and systematically attack someone’s entire friend networks, while they’re telling you to leave them alone– what god awful planet did you come from that you even think that’s an excusably proportionate response?

However you choose to process that shit is yours, but if your own loops make you realize you’re running in circles, that’s… still a you thing. Like if you abjectly refuse to process that maybe you’ve been taking a bad angle that’s you. And says nothing about the conversational manipulation, your abject fear of anyone seeing how you *really* were talking in full, how you really were acting, as a direct result of this. Or the very active, conscious choice of going around trying to wreck the reputation of someone because you chose to internalize that issue and then spray it at them, when they are doing nothing but telling you to leave them the fuck alone and stop making drama. Lying, twisting, hiding it, manipulating it all in a petty grudge match because you don’t like someone else’s opinion that you agreed with until you realized you ran yourself in a circle. Calling your fellow women--not even just me--in this fandom defamatory misogynistic slurs. Get the fuck out of here.

How is this fucking difficult, any of it.

[gg-astrology]

Update Pt. II: Self-Realization and What I’m Going to do with my Old Posts

i.e. You ever experience having Big Fear of saying something on a subject, but being scared someone/something is going to Crash Down on you with a c/o about how Wrong you are? Here’s how I’m dealing with emotions and expectations and Big Fear of Consequences (incase it helps, but its just my personal experience + thoughts) 💕❤️💗

🚫long post🚫

*this is still just an update on what’s been happening in my life?? So this is literally just what I’ve thought about, processing and dealing with. It’s not really meant to be like - here’s a full-out well-explained educational post with an ending conclusion on the subject. I’m literally just recounting events of what happened and how I feel like I’d do to a friend irl - so I hope you guys can take it as such as well! 

It’s not a big deal but I think it’s good to process, share and talk about overcoming my own personal issues with you guys!! 💕❤️💗

So:

There’s one day where I woke up (when I was still without my laptop) and saw someone comment on my old post. I have tumblr linked to my email for certain notifications - just so I can screen and know what to expect when I come into my inbox/replies.

Basically, it was an old post that I wrote trying to help anon but I was factually incorrect (to the point where I cringed at the first sentence and then shamed myself to bed 5 hours later) This made me realize my Top 10 Nightmare of Tumblr Paranoia had came true (at long last).

It’s probably bad to expect it to happen? But it  happens y know. And I’m actually glad they commented because phew I want to actually make this blog a place where I can actually help people and talk about things more objectively. So heres the thing:

I’m going to go back and clarify parts of it. I’ll mostly keep most of the content intact because I think I had good intentions, I was just Lacking A lot of Fundamental Theory and Boy That’s Not A Good Thing For An Astro Blog NOT To Have.

I want to keep it as a process and archive of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown/learnt. I’m? decidedly not that proud of my earlier works - and there’s things I’m still concerned about that I want to go back and address/re-edit so it could be better. But I think it’s low-key kind of fun to see who you are in the past and how present me would view past me now?

It’s like a scrapbook of my astrology journey as well - like yeah I was wrong on things, but seeing me do more research and making actual pieces of work to complement my studies is like a portfolio of what I’ve done, how far I’ve come, how my objectives have changed (if they have/haven’t) what I could stand before but couldn’t stand now, or maybe some inspiration/insights that I lack now that I might’ve had before. Idk? I just think it’s a cool neat thing to not delete or erase, or Big Fear people will come see because it’s. It’s just there and it’s me.

BUT I do think? I should make it Good for everyone who still have access to the past works. It’s basically in my masterlist so it’s available to literally everyone who decides to check. And it’s NOT good if people get the wrong info because I lacked the knowledge and wrote it in a post, and still made the post accessible to everyone. That’s just.. irresponsible? On my part. And how I put everyone else up to it as well bc of my irresponsibility.

That’s Not Good. So I’m gonna do better to scan through past works and hash it out bit by bit, it’ll take some time but I’ll start with the one that was pointed out - and work my way to other ones as well just to check if they’re ok or not ok.

For Those Who Has The Big Fear as well: 

I mentioned at the beginning, this is just me talking about what I want to do about it. I just wanted to share that experience, how I feel (Complete and Utter Shame, that was mixed with Embarrassment and Horror at myself - took me a good 3 days to Process my Feelings and came to that conclusion) -- and just y know --  I’m sure this is not just a Me Thing where you see your past stuff and you Know you’re embarrassed to talk about it. But. It’s not a bad thing. And here’s me living through it.

I think in the future - I’ll continue to be embarrassed by my lack of knowledge because I have a lot to learn. There’s plenty of people - you, me, this new person who seems to know terms you haven’t heard of before, this other person who has very formed opinions on things based on their own knowledge - who learnt things and know things.

It’s? difficult to be on top of it all the time, or know everything if you haven’t learnt about it before. So don’t be ashamed or scared that you don’t? Know everything?

When you’re beginning to learn a subject, I don’t know about others, but me and my friend have this Big Fear of saying the wrong thing or coming off too confident in something that’s Wrong and then someone coming after you/calling you out for it  -- it was a mistake, or a lack of knowledge but you can’t be faulted for that. 

How are you supposed to know something if you didn’t know? That also can’t be shamed. Maybe because we think we have to be accountable for ourselves and our lack of knowledge-- so we don’t offend someone Big who may be more knowledgeable and personally offended by just-- a person not knowing something.

I think we fear the consequences, sometimes more so than talking about it or enjoying the subject in open-ness to each others who have similar interests (there’s also an issue with inadequacy and comparison, but we’ll talk about that later see topic headers below). 

I think the idea that we could get Wrecked and Hurt, Completely Mauled Over by something or someone’s influence/ideas that is Larger than us - intimidates us at a moderately core-level into Not Addressing It (i.e. Not Taking Action/Talking). Because the repercussion seems to be... wild, and Maybe We’ll be a ScrapeGoat of an Unfortunate Event and Thats Not Cool At All Yikes. 

Addressing All The Fears (a Bundle Around This Big Fear Context) 

I’ve talked about it before, like way back earlier in the days. But I’ve always had a Big Fear of this. That’s part of why I get so intimidated when someone I like/look up to follow me?

There’s always the tiny nagging suspicion and doubt underneath my anxiety regarding this topic - like I’m unsure whether they’re going to see how I talk, what I say, what I’m providing for others and cast judgement that it isn’t good enough - like maybe I’m wrong about something and I’ll have to live with it (unreasonable but still, a Fear) and they can See that and Know i’m wrong. That’s a big Shame and Embarrassed feeling for me (i.e. making a fool of myself, which is?? essentially what this is on)

I think throughout my time here... I’ve begun to slowly mend my ideas about that fear. Part of it is because I’ve learnt more, I’m more active in using my skill-sets.

It’s because I have this blog - that I decided I’m going to start it, and it’ll keep me active in learning that I got to build up my skill-set and kept myself in-check from there. I got to interact with different topics and themes, double-check my own understanding of topics/subjects, sure I don’t know anything and everything. All of this is just what I’ve learnt, and me actively learning as I go - and while it was -- Big Fear and Unstable Ground for a while, eventually I learnt to rely more on -- the support system and people who do appreciate you, like you, what they talk about with you. 

You learn to appreciate the systems around you - the ones who interact and likes or ask and talk about stuff. The Fear and Responsibilities gets less and less fearful, because I’ve built trust in others - and it’s a reality check: that not all that’s in my head is good for me. Not even myself and my own thought is as good to me as the reality you live/have around you sometimes. And thats -- a fortunate thing, that’s something to not be taken for granted, and something I have to be thankful for. It directly addresses possible issues I didn’t know I had -- about how much this was weighing on me, by relieving me from it bit by bit as well. 

And that’s what I should note on, because even just a solitary ‘like’ on a social media site-- when you’re scared or unsure of whether you’ve made a right call -- is enough of a support for you to rest a little easier, knowing someone else got what you intended and support you morally as well. 

Standards and Logic: Ideals

I still get Big Fear because of my own ideals - like sometimes I have a mean voice? That just goes ‘you’re an astrology blog - your core/most basic requirement is to KNOW basic facts about astrology’ and then it goes ‘you NOT knowing something about the subject -- something basic, and STILL getting it wrong is absolutely irredeemable’ 

You know what’s the worst part about the mean voice? It’s because it’s my brain, it’s how I reason and logic. This is how I hold my own standards and ideals, and no matter how kind I am to others, my own core self isn’t kind to myself. Fundamentally --- since I couldn’t resolve it, I believe it’s my standard and is underlying in how I treat others too (even if I actively work to Not Let That Happen or Be True, it’s still a part of me).

I don’t want to treat others like that. That’s the scariest part. Part of the reason why it’s so hard - is because we see reason why our mean voice makes sense. To me, that’s objectively the ideal and standard. I already gave it my consent and agreement by understanding it’s logic - and now I fear it.

A part of me just going through this - is confronting this standard issue and my ideals. I think -- all of us who have Big Fear in some ways, understands the logic in just being Good at what you start out to do. Fundamentally, objectively. It kinda makes sense that if you’re going to write about biochem - you should get it right so you don’t fuck up about it. 

But I think you all can tell now - reading it in third person - how you’re allowed to make mistakes? If you’re willing to say that to someone else and understand that-- even if you write about biochem, but you might’ve missed a few marks because you got the answer wrong--- it doesn’t mean you’ve completely jeopardize the subject itself and everyone who’s a master at it. You’ve just made a mistake. And everyone - realistically - realizes how little it matters when you admit or realize you’ve made a whoopsie.

Making Mistakes - Accepting Being Wrong To Not Become an Asshole

A mistake is a mistake, it’s a human error. People fuck up sometimes, but -- we learn from our mistakes. 

It’s just a matter of accepting it in the first place? Being able to accept the mistake is what differentiate being an asshole to actually not letting it hinder you and moving on. 

I think -- just in my case -- I can see why it’s easy to cling on. If you only have your skill-sets to hold onto to, it’s hard to accept any other form of opinions or ideas that challenges it. I think that’s -- ego -- but also defense/offensive action. 

Not -- ‘im offended’ but more like, a tactical offense. I’ve seen people who manipulate others because they only have their skill-sets. Making the audience sway in their narrative and perspectives because they say it’s the ‘truth’ and that they’re knowledgeable or have experiences. I don’t necessarily agree with what they do, but that’s -- not on me, and I don’t care because that’s not something I?? feel comfortable addressing. 

I offered this brief example - because it’s the opposite of ‘well I don’t feel adequate about my knowledge, maybe I shouldn’t say something because I don’t have anything to offer?’ - here’s an example of someone who has knowledge, and is saying something. But is perhaps doing it in a way that isn’t... ideal as well. 

So if you think about the alternative: Which would you rather be? 

We just gotta know how to deal with it and address all the different elements to it as we can (what we’ve touched on earlier: own voice, judgement from others, concrete-starting something and self-expectations, fearful of expectations, not accepting being wrong or making mistakes as an OK thing to do, and how to deal with it kinda)

  Future Embarrassment (Continuous habit of being Embarrassed and Feeling Inadequate About your Skill-sets/Knowledge)

I’ve always thought about this - like how do I stop myself from being embarrassed and ashamed when I can’t fault myself for not knowing before - the only solution I can find for myself is just to do good.

Not suddenly go research and be on top of it with information + overloading myself like That kind of Good-good (‘im good at what I do’ -- not that type of good, confidence in skills doesn’t cover up insecurities and fear, but you can be confident in other areas you can shine light on better about yourself!) 

Do good to me is to chew what I can, say when I can’t, have good intentions and offer the things you CAN give. If it’s insight, clarifications, open-opinions - most people who are coming to you and asking for you are people who appreciates intentions. Just as you expect the same back.

The most consistent thing I’ve ever done is to just be in the mindset of wanting to be good and pushing myself to be good. I’m not saying I’m like -- 100% whole-heartedly a Good Person. But if I just focus on my intent, how it underlines everything, keeping things clear with that intention in mind. As long as I aspire to be good to others, there’s not much else anyone can say to harm me or my motives I think.

Maybe I’m not that good in terms of skill-sets, but more in terms of wanting to do objectively the best that I can, and wanting the best for others. That’s the two things I keep in my mind and goals; in your own heart. Regardless of everything - these two things will keep you going if you truly want and work towards it.

Comparison to others/Inadequacy 

I think that to others - maybe other people who have the same goal in mind; maybe same heart, maybe this would mean to do what they can and perhaps they are capable of achieving skill-sets, overcoming insecurities with knowledge and Not Feel Overwhelmed. 

But I know that’s not for me? Not how I work or the best I can offer - of course I attempt it too and yeah it works sometimes, but my constant and my ideas haven’t been about being right or correct whenever I post or say something (although I strive to try and do it right, as much as I can) -- it’s always been about realistically - what can I do, what can I give that’s 100% me and what’s needed/capable of doing?  

It’s hard because there’s also -- ideals about what IS the best solution. Like when presented with the same problems, same ask. You have two different people who share the same ideals and thoughts - both agreeing that the best way is to do it ‘like this’ - but one does it better and the other watches it knowing they couldn’t have executed it as flawlessly. 

And maybe you’re the other - but that, doesn’t make it any less obvious when you see it in third-person that the other person has their own gift and methods that is just as valuable as the one who did the good execution. They provide and support one another, just have to find their wings and respect, appreciate and cherish (lift up) one another’s skill-sets and capabilities as well.

It’s hard to apply it back to yourself -- that your thoughts, words and knowledge is valuable to anyone or that it’s Not lacking in some ways. What you see of yourself - there’s others who sees it in a more tender way than you do. What you can control, and what you can do best, is to not expect yourself to be unrealistic - but expect to be realistic about what you can provide, if all else fails, anyways. 

Stick to your guns - I’m basically just trying to say that. The feeling of inadequacy (that’s literally the core of it, underneath the shame) is fine -- and yeah. I don’t have? I’ve written alot but I hope this comes through well. 

I’m working through it but I hope, this helps a little. If you’ve read it at all. It’s long and rambly, but I hope this -- helps? Anyone else? Or just myself who’s working through it. But -- I hope this gives strength or support to anyone who needs it. Thanks for reading if you’ve read!!!

[mythicalsecretsanta]

I Am Not (G)

This gift is for: Elyssa (AKA @rhinkityrhink​) I hope you enjoy your little ficlet “I Am Not”. It’s based off your request for jealous!rhett; however, it is impossible for me NOT to include some hurt/comfort (no blood, though!) From your Secret Santa, Christy (AKA @your-borderline-babe​)

Link to AO3, or read below:

Rhett was a reasonable man. A man of intellect. He may not be the most intelligent man in the whole world, but he felt comfortable in believing that he was the smartest man in any given room. So, when he began to feel uncomfortable when Link discussed his time at the gym, he immediately began to analyze those feelings. His therapist was trying to get Rhett to feel these feelings. Advising him to take a moment to let those feelings register. Take note of what part of the body he felt those feelings. But knowing and doing are two separate things and Rhett wanted to know where these feelings came from. Then make them go away.

It’s not like Link had just started going to the gym. It’s been years since they both made working out a part of their weekly routine. In the beginning they discussed going to the same gym but they had made a conscious decision to spend more time apart. Given a choice they would naturally gravitate towards spending every waking moment together, but, for the health of their relationship they knew that time apart was healthy. They were in this for the long haul. Friends til the end. So, whatever they could do to make that happen they were willing.

Rhett had been sitting at his desk staring at his email inbox, unfocused and in deep thought when Link entered their shared office. It wasn’t strange that Link did not greet him with a ‘Good morning.’ They just didn’t do that. Had rarely done it in decades. Does one greet the other half of themselves?  Link went through his well-conditioned morning routine. Just listening to the sounds, Rhett could tell exactly what Link was doing: Hanging up his jacket and backpack. Turning on his desk lamp. Lining up any desk top items that had been pushed askew from Jenna being there. Changing his glasses from prescription outside to prescription inside.

Rhett smiled to himself. He knew Link better than Link knew Link. And that thought made him happy. He knew the intimate details of Link’s life. They shared so many experiences, but even those he experienced during their times of planned separation, Link was quick to share the details. As was Rhett. He felt confident that Link held no secrets. No really big ones, definitely. Rhett was sure of that.

“What’s got that big brain working so early this morning? I can literally hear the gears turning.” Link deadpanned from his desk, not looking up from the mail he was reading.

Rhett huffed in amusement and benignly responded, “Nothin’.”

“Hey, I’ve got an idea for a show.” Link spun around in his chair, suddenly fully animated. Rhett turned his chair around as well full concentrating on Link. “Trent was telling me about these games they played at a party he was at. It’s called Minute to Win It. They do these crazy activities in competition with each other. What he described was pretty juvenile, but there is plenty of room to spice it up.”

Immediately, Rhett felt it. His skin started to crawl. His anger piqued. A small pain expanded in his chest.

“Trent?” Rhett repeated tightly.

“I told you about Trent. At my gym?” Link raised both eyebrows and gave a small jut to his jaw.

“Oh, yeah Trent.” Rhett acknowledged dryly.

“So, what do you think?” Link prodded.

Rhett thought about it for a minute, “Even though you’re just finding out about this, it’s actually been around for a while and we want to keep things new and cutting edge. Right?”

Link shrunk in his chair looking dejected, “Oh, right. Yeah. No, you’re right.” Link’s head sinking to his chest.

Rhett studied his business partner and felt Link’s disappointment in his own bones, “But, we can throw it to the writers to see if they can come up with a new angle?” His head angled down to see Link’s fallen face.

Link raised his head with his expression lightened, “ Great! I’m so excited. I can’t wait to tell Trent we might actually use his idea.” Link spun back around and attacked his projects for the day.

Rhett sat there looking at the back of Link’s head. His irritation spilling over. He stood abruptly and walked quickly out the door. What the actual fuck? Who was this Trent? Who was this Trent to Link? They both have friends individually. Maybe not close friends. But, they definitely have casual acquaintances individual from each other.  But now there’s this Trent person who works out with Link several times a week, who Link shares ideas with, who Link probably laughs with. What kind of name is Trent, anyway? A dumb name.

Rhett stood there dunking the tea bag into his mug over and over on the kitchen counter. Stevie walked in and greeted Rhett with a ‘Hey’ and bent to grab a flavored water from the fridge. As she stood she studied Rhett.

“Uh, Rhett. Did you get that tea bag to admit it was a witch yet?” Stevie quirked her mouth.

Rhett snapped out of his thoughts, “What? Oh, yeah.” Rhett pulled the bag out and wrapped the string around it and pulled.

“What’s on your mind?” Stevie pulled her eyebrows together.

“Nothin’. Hey, you go to the gym. Do you have a gym buddy?” Rhett asked without context.

“Nah. I pretty much get my cardio in and hightail it out of there. Why?”

“No reason, really. Just wondering about something.” Rhett dismissed.

Rhett went about his day and thankfully his obsessive thoughts of the morning were pushed aside with Mythical business. His reprieve ended that evening. He lay in bed his mind drifting in the limbo between sleep and wakefulness. 

Why do I care who Link hangs around with? Why is this bothering me? Am I afraid of losing my friend? That somehow Trent will replace me as Link’s best friend? When Rhett articulates the concern, he recognizes the lunacy of the thought. He reassures himself that that will never happen and he lays there and waits for the resolution to wash over him. But the anxiety does not lift. That wasn’t it.

He was close. He was afraid of Trent usurping Rhett in some aspect of his and Link’s relationship. He knew that. But what was it? He lay staring at his ceiling as if the answer would soon be projected there. Rhett was a smart man. He would figure this out.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next morning, Rhett was on his second cup of tea when he realized Link had not yet arrived. He made the rounds of the office to see if perhaps Link had gone directly to speak with someone. Coming up empty, he sent a text off. After a few minutes he sent another. Ignoring the fear starting to creep into his chest, Rhett finally called Link’s phone. After quite a few rings, an unknown voice answered.

“Hello?” Not-Link answered.

Rhett pulled the phone from his ear, making sure he dialed the correct number.

“Hello?” Not-Link repeated.

“Uh, is Link there?” Rhett ventured a response.

“Rhett? Oh hi. Yes, he’s right here.” Not-Link answered casually, obviously reading his name from the caller ID.

“Can I speak with ‘em?” Rhett asked with a sharpness entering his voice.

“Yeah, not right now.” Not-Link responded matter-of-factly.

“Why?” Rhett’s voice rose, all pretense of pleasantness erased. “Who’zis anyway?’

Rhett has been known to lose his temper on occasion. Well, if he was being honest with himself, quite a lot. Okay, maybe he has an issue with his anger. And at this moment, he was very angry. Scratch that. He was pissed. 

“Oh, yeah, sorry. This is Trent.” The man sounded distracted.

Rhett was dumbfounded that this person, Trent, was either incapable of sensing Rhett’s full blown anger or had chosen to ignore it. Rhett sat there in stunned silence as he felt his face burn, his body shaking, and his blood pressure skyrocketing. He heard Link’s voice in the background. He was asking a question and he was sure he heard his name.

“What the fuck is goin’on?” Rhett bellowed at a decibel that would certainly attract attention from nearby staff.

He could hear a rustling, then murmuring, and then more rustling. He was sure that if he didn’t hear from Link and soon, he was going to hurt someone.

Finally. Finally.

“Rhett?” Link’s voice was weak and strained. If he was in a better mood, he might even characterize it as a little whiny.

“Link, are you okay? What’s wrong?” In response to Link’s tone of voice, Rhett had dialed back his anger considerably to mildly irritated.

“I fell.” Link sounded pitiful.

“Fell? Off of what?” Rhett questioned.

“Don’t laugh.” Link asked in a small voice.

Rhett rolled his eyes and sighed. All parties involved were testing his patience this morning.

“I promise.” He tried to make it sound calm and reassuring.

There was a pause. He imagined that Link was gathering the courage to share something potentially embarrassing. Rhett steeled himself to take in the information stoically.

“I fell off the treadmill.” Link whispered, barely audible.

Rhett’s emotions dove from intense anger to amusement. He bit his lip to stifle the laugh that had bubbled up.

“I see.” What Rhett could not cover was the smile in his voice mirroring the one that had broken out on his face.

“You promised!” Link exclaimed with new strength.

“I didn’t laugh!” Rhett contradicted his statement by laughing around the response. Biting his lip again to stifle it.

Link responded with silence.

“I’m sorry. Did you hurt yourself, bo?” Rhett transitioned to a sweet coo.

“A little.” Link responded back in his small voice.

Rhett waited for Link to continue.

“Skinned my knees and hurt my wrist. I’m icing it down.”

“Do you need me to come get you?” Rhett would not have sounded any different talking to a small child.

“Trent said he’d bring m-.” Link started.

“I’ll be right there.” Rhett cut Link off, pressed end and sprinted out of the door.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When Rhett entered the gym his eyes immediately started scanning for Link. Some guy waved enthusiastically from the back of the room. He had a head of light blond hair and a round face belonging to someone not older than 16.

As Rhett approached the pair, he saw Link sitting in a chair with beet red scratches on the front of each knee. He was holding his left wrist with a towel containing was Rhett assumed was ice.

Link looked at Rhett with eyes that were red from crying and obviously in pain.

Rhett squatted next to Link and wordlessly opened up the towel to examine the injury. From his years of playing basketball, he had become an expert determining a sprain from a fracture.

Rhett poked a few places which caused Link to suck air between his teeth. When he finished his probing he left his hand on Link’s forearm.

“Move your fingers for me.” Rhett’s voice was gentle.

Link moved his fingers easily.

“I don’t think it’s broken but we can go to Urgent Care if you want to double check?” Rhett soothed, gently rubbing up and down Link’s arm.

“Yeah. If you don’t mind.” Link leaned on Rhett. Rhett smiled at how a moderate wrist injury had apparently made Link so “weak” that he had to lean on Rhett.

“Sure thing.” Rhett gave his arm a soft pat.

Rhett rose to his feet and saw the blond jutting out his chin to the music from his earbuds and playing some game on his phone.

Rhett looked at Link,”Trent, I suppose?” Link nodded re-wrapping his wrist in ice.

Rhett touched Trent’s arm to get his attention. His head shot up and he pulled at the earbuds.

“Uh, thanks, man, for, um taking care of Link. Sorry, I was, uh, like that on the phone.” Rhett was feeling all kinds of embarrassed for his earlier behavior.

“No biggie. Mr. Neal is an okay dude. Hate to see him face plant like that. I kinda wish I had caught it with my phone. You know?” Trent elbowed him conspiratorially.  

Rhett smiled and nodded his head in acknowledgement, “Gotta get those clicks.”

“It would have gone viral, man!” Trent picked up his gear. “Feel better Mr. Neal.”

“Thanks Trent. Good luck on the Algebra exam.” Link called out.

Rhett shouldered Link’s bag and helped him stand. Link winced as he straightened his knees.

“Hurts like a son of a bitch.” Link winced.

Rhett rubbed Link’s back sympathetically.

As they made their way through the gym, Link looked up to Rhett, “What was that about you being some kinda way on the phone?”

Rhett burned again with embarrassment. He looked away, not wanting to own up to his behavior. Knowing Link like he did, he knew that he would eventually pull it out of him, so he came clean.

“I sorta yelled at him.” Rhett mumbled.

Link stopped and stepped back, “You what?”

“It’s not important.” Rhett dismissed and directed Link to start moving.

Link acquiesced, but continued to study Rhett. His expression of someone calculating all the reasons behind why Rhett would have reacted that way.

Link’s face flashed with realization, he snapped his fingers and pointed at Rhett, “Oh my god, you’re jealous!”

It was Rhett’s turn to stop and step back. Hand on his chest. “I. Am. Not. He’s just a boy!”

“Yeah, but you didn’t know that!” Link excitedly poked his finger into Rhett’s chest.

Rhett felt called out. His mind raced to defend himself. Get out from under this accusation. He needed deflection.

“Why didn’t you mention that Trent was a teenager?” Rhett responded triumphantly.

Rhett must have struck a nerve because Link’s smile faltered and a red blanket of guilt descended over his face, neck and chest. He quickly began to move to the door.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rhett got Link settled in the car and buckled in. They started towards the clinic in silence. Link had been correct. Rhett had been jealous of Trent, initially. Not of his friendship necessarily but he had been jealous nonetheless. Of what, he wasn’t sure yet but he owed Link that much.

“Maybe I was jealous. A little.” Rhett said quietly, glancing at Link and then back to the road.

Awkward silence. 

“Maybe I wanted you to be. A little.” Link said in the same volume glancing up to Rhett and then back at his bandaged wrist.

Really awkward silence.

The staff at Urgent Care was efficient and friendly and in no time Link was x-rayed, medicated, and splinted. 

The whole experience was fairly routine but as Rhett watched the medical staff work on Link the terrifying thought of one day losing him floated into his consciousness. Then that feeling came back. That anxiety. Then it dawned on him.

That’s what I was worried about with Trent! Losing Link to him. 

Rhett sat with that thought for a minute. 

What if circumstances or another person takes Link from me? Oh, god. Please don’t take him. Don’t take my sun. My moon. Don’t take my heart. My … love.

Rhett chastised himself for being so stupid. Not realizing what was right before him. And Link had wanted him to be jealous. Did that mean he feels the same way?

When Rhett got Link back in the car. His mind was playing one thought on repeat. I love Link, I love Link, I love Link.

Link let his head fall against the headrest. “Boy, that shot they gave m—-“

“Link, I love you.” Rhett blurted out. 

Link pulled his heavy head off the headrest and struggled to focus on Rhett. “I know ‘m high asa kite, buddy roll, b’ that sounded like ya tellin’ me ya love me.” Link slurred out.

“I know it’s terrible timing, but I just realized it and if I don’t say it, I’ll end up back in that clinic with a stroke or something.” The words spilled out.

Link blinked slowly then his head fell back on the headrest one last time, eyes closed. Rhett watched his jaw relax and heard a light snore. He smiled warmly at the sight of the man. His man. He hoped.

Rhett opened Link’s car door when they got to Link’s house. He bent down and whispered in Link’s ear, “Wake up buddy, you’re home.”

Link looked around and nodded in recognition. Rhett supported Link’s unsteady efforts and guided him into and through the house. He got Link’s clothes off down to his boxer briefs with very little help. Rhett tucked Link in, propping his wrist on a pillow. He looked down at Link’s angelic face and couldn’t resist kissing his forehead. 

As his lips pressed against Link’s skin, Rhett heard his sleepy voice, “Now that we love each other, can you stay with me?” 

“Yes.” Forever.

~ The End Beginning ~

[thaumaturtles]

Begin ANGELQUEST

The other day, I was doing some.......

...... studying.......

When I came across an advertisement. This isn’t at all an unusual experience; I’ve been on the internet for a decade and change and I’ve come to accept that ads are a part of the experience. This was an ad I’d seen many times before, too. I’m so accustomed to seeing it that my eyes often skip right over it. However, I’ve been reading a lot of articles about Enlightenment, lately, and I’ve been trying to put that into practice in my everyday life. I’ve been attempting, to varying degrees of success, to become more aware of myself and my environment, to probe onward into my mind’s own blind spots. In short, I’m trying to blitz my chakras. (Don’t worry, am Indian, can reclaim.)

And so, for perhaps the first time, I took a moment to truly see the ad in front of me. To stop and smell the dogshit hiding behind the roses. And, goodness, was it a sight to behold. Ladies, gentlemen, and all who fall betwixt, I present to you, THIS:

Take a moment, if necessary, to take it all in.

Have you collected yourself? Good. You’re holding up the rest of the class.

I don’t know how I’ve managed to let this pass without mental comment on more than one occasion. How did I look at this image, think “angel reading? yeah, sure, that’s a thing that exists” and then shuffle along? The only explanation I can muster is Divine intervention, which would ironically lend this product some legitimacy. I need to understand. What does Angel Reading mean? How could such a process be personalized, and, furthermore, how could it take place over the Internet? Who is this “Celeste”? What is she after? Why does she look vaguely disappointed in me? Can she see my soul? What is an “Angelic Medium”?????

Clearly, if I want answers, I’m going to have to dive in. I place my Crocodile Dundee hat on my head with no small measure of trepidation, though I must confess a moiety of excitement deep within. As I hike up my Adventurin’ Shorts and stuff a few hundred metres of rope into my backpack, I consider the long road ahead. And then, with my cosplay explorer’s outfit put on to my approval, I sit down at my computer. I’m really not sure why I felt the need to do all that when I’m just gonna be here at home.

I steel my will, and I click.

This loading screen appears, and I’d like to mention that the URL for this page is perhaps longer than any URL I’ve ever seen before in my 16 years.

Okay, let’s just take a moment to get our bearings here and-

HOLY MACKEREL, THERE’S A COUNTDOWN!

And only twenty-seven minutes left! Sakes alive, I clicked this link just in time! Imagine If I’d wasted more time farting around and dressing up like Indiana Jones!

Although, weirdly enough, whenever I refresh the page, the timer restarts, and it always restarts at 27 minutes and 50ish seconds, which is a random-enough number to seem legitimate.

Hmm. Odd.

I wonder if maybe the countdown isn’t actually real and is just there to pressure you into typing your info more quickly so you don’t notice how fishy this whole opera-

OH MY GOD ONLY 26 MINUTES!!!!!!!

OK, gotta think quickly here. Gosh, they’re asking some personal questions right off the bat, but I can’t let them know it’s me; they might recognize me from tumblr. If this sting operation’s gonna go forth I gotta lie my ass off. My name? Uh, uh.. My name is Dyl-Dy- Uhhhh, shit, okay, it’s Dylan-NO, Dylllllllll...... Delilah? Delilah. Like from the Bible. Yeah, that’s fitting, especially since I’m swindling these fools. Soon, Celeste, your hair will be mine.

They’re asking for my date of birth, which I’m hesitant to put because my 16th birthday party was kind of a big deal and Celeste might’ve heard about it, in which case she’ll know it’s me AND things will be super awkward cause I didn’t invite her to the party.

I put 4/13/1969 obviously

They’re also asking for my e-mail address, which I can’t give out because it has my full name, address, and social security number in it, so let’s just pull this ripcord real quick and parachute out of this nightmare zone, and over to a quick, free, secure e-mail client. That is, protonmail.com, which is not my usual e-mail server and will thus throw Celeste’s goons even farther off my trail

Wow, that was a surprisingly quick and painless process! I might just have to use protonmail in the future

So anyway here’s my info, sent in right under the wire, with a mere 24.3 minutes left! God that was close. Picture that classic scene in Indiana Jones where he slides under the door and then reaches back in to get his hat, only it’s an out-of-shape teen and also the door hasn’t even started closing yet.

I went with my actual country because, c’mon, there’re a lot of people in Jamaica. Statistically speaking, how likely is it they’d find me through that?

You know I didn’t. You know I fucking didn’t. Why are you asking.

Also, here’s a quick rundown of what Celeste is actually offering in case anyone was curious. It does somewhat tickle me that she claims she’ll “get to work immediately” as soon as anyone clicks the link and subscribes, as though the process isn’t completely automated. It evokes a clear image of Celeste, in full angelic garb, sitting at a computer screen and answering calls while also typing into three discrete keyboards simultaneously.

The idea that she could personally take the order of every individual who clicks this ad betrays either a complete lack of confidence in the desirability of her product, or an incredible amount of confidence in her own ability to multitask.

Who is “she”? Celeste? That doesn’t make much sense in the context here. Peter’s Guardian Angel? But earlier Celeste made it sound like all angels use he/him! Also, what does “bring her back” mean if it’s the angel? Can angels leave and later be found again? I feel like if you find your guardian angel once, that should be it forever, but apparently they can leave and you have to ensnare them again?????

Hooray! A link from an unknown source to an unknown destination! I sure can’t wait to click it all day long!

The things I do in the name of science, I swear to God Celeste.

It took a minute but here it is. Sidenote: I rather enjoy the irony of an inbox which consists of three e-mails about encryption and ways to curate a safe internet experience, and one which is an automated link from a bullshit ad for a product that doesn’t exist. There’s a subtle poetry to this image. I almost want to frame it, and then sell it for an exorbitant amount of money.

Here’s the e-mail, folx. If ever you needed proof that this was a scam, look no further.

Who on this good green earth would think beginning such a missive with, “Thank you for your trust,” would be a good way to garner MORE goodwill? When I go to my local grocer and I purchase a party-sized bag of Tostitos to eat by myself over the course of a day and a half because I’m in control of my body, goddammit, the bag doesn’t say, “Thank you for believing in us! We promise we won’t give you dysentery!

Like, what the fuck? “Thank you for your trust.” Your product should be able to stand on its own two feet and proudly proclaim, “I’m gonna give you a fucking angel reading or die trying!”

That initial line has honestly made me more scared than ever for this process. I’m confident I’m going to click that link and it’s going to auto-download a terabyte of obscure Norwegian pornography to my hard drive. I did just update my computer this morning, however, and all my data are backed up, so I feel somewhat more secure than I might otherwise.

Did I really just say “data are”? I know it’s grammatically correct and all, but it’s still jarring to hear. Messes with my mental flow. And wouldn’t the proper, descriptivist thing to do be to use “data is” to avoid confusion? Using “data are” feels clunky, is more difficult to say, and makes me look a bit snobbish. I’d delete it but that would require hitting the backspace button on my computer and I’m frankly quite lazy about that sort of thing. What was I talking about again? Oh, right. I have to click the link.

 Again with the “thank you for your trust” bullshit! Whatever, I’m going to let it pass. They’re clearly going for a friendly, approachable persona here, even if they’re doing it in the most threatening, ass-backwards way possible.

This next email took a seemingly endless eight minutes to arrive, during which time I meditated, raised a bonsai tree to adulthood, watched Marley & Me, grappled with intense feelings of loneliness, and worked on some of my homework.

Or maybe I just played games on my phone. You decide!

Okay, not quite what “hereby” means, but sure. It’s a common mistake, likely exacerbated by the presence of the word “here” within “hereby.” Sort of a “wherefore does not mean where” situation I suppose.

Anyway, I’m submitting to the mortifying ordeal of clicking the link yet again.

Christ get a load of this shit. How fitting that the Angelic stone for someone born on 4/13 would be Jade. My archangel is Megatron apparently??? His info claims he’s some sort of scribe. My major planet is Neptune, and my secondary planet is.... the sun? Is anyone going to tell Celeste what stars are or do I have to do everything myself around here? I do like that ram up in the top left though. I’m naming you Ram Elliot.

Now for the pièce de résistance. Meet Mahasiah. Mahasiah is not my guardian angel; Mahasiah is the guardian angel for anyone born between April 10th-14th. My guardian angel is Yerathel, apparently. A few things I learned while researching this: both Mahasia and Yerathel have “feminine energies” (???) and both have Fire as their associated classical element. Also, Yerathel rules over Intelligence, which is one thing I actually somewhat like about myself. This is actually kind of neat to learn about!

I mean come on. That’s pretty fuckin cool. His name means “He Who Punishes Evildoers” which is beyond epic, and his associated gem is Smoky Quartz, aka the only Steven Universe character.

You know, maybe this whole Angel Reading business isn’t a scam after all. Maybe it’s a perfectly safe process and I’ll be totally fine, what am I worrying about? At the very least, it couldn’t hurt to explore her site a bit more..... for research’s sake.

yeah baby tell me more

h-

certainly, miss celeste, anything for you

wait, aren’t I already in a relationshi-

JAZZERCISING JUNIPERS BATMAN THERE’S ONLY 28 MINUTES LEFT

holy shit! I want accurate readings!

Oh god oh no okay i’ll do whatever you want celeste please don’t leave me i need my tarots

THEY KNOW ABOUT ME ALREADY OMG

Well, okay, even in my currently addled state I can still see that “Duo-Telepathy” is complete bullshi-

OH WELL IF AMANDA GAVE THEM THREE WHOLE STARS I HAVE TO TRUST IT

Amazingly, my info was pre-filled in. Almost like this site is linked to Celeste’s in some way, or perhaps even run by the same group of scammeUPSTANDING CITIZENS IS WHAT I MEANT TO SAY

Ooh, another e-transmission from my good friend Celeste! Oh, how I’ve missed her! And apparently large and surprising discoveries have been made concerning me! She’s presenting me a Guide? I sure hope I’ll be able to open it, hassle-free, with no additional purchases/information required!

OHOHOHOHO

bro i’m shitting my drawers rn

I have no fucking clue what that means but you said FREE so i’m in!

oh my god there’s still so much left. just shut the fuck up and take my money you fools

AW TITS YEAH

....i think

Okay, I know the original thing said FREE and I should be “mad” or watever, but look at that bargain! that’s more than half off! It might as well be free! I’d be stupid NOT to buy it!

I’ve invented a lot of secondary information for Delilah. The phone number is merely (559) YOU-SUCK, as a subtle way of establishing the power dynamic at play here. I’m sure Celeste will appreciate it.

Hmmmmm.............. It would seem my method of “just input numbers randomly” won’t work here. Such a shame. Credit card fraud used to be so easy. I’ll have to put that on the backburner, though, because look what just appeared in my inbox!

You can see where this is going.

I’ll take my leave now, this post is getting long enough as is, but I do feel it’s important to note that doing a quick bit of research shows that Celeste & co. are famous for emotional manipulation, as well as getting people addicted to their products and forcing a sort of dependency upon them. It’s important to do your research, and remember basic internet safety tips like don’t click popups or check if a site is legit before downloading from them. It’s incredibly easy to get trapped down this sort of rabbit hole, where you wind up buying more and more of their products like you’re stockpiling for the Rapture. Not me, though, I’m obviously fine and can quit anytime I like. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go try a bunch of credit card numbers until one works.

[thisiskatsblog]

Hey! I found your blog and that ask about how you've been like a veteran Larrie was beautiful. Even this: 'I just get sad when I see people's faith shaken so easily, not AT them for having doubts but because this is the environment bred by years of being told that the thing you see in front of your face isn't there. The gas-lighting is real.' That made me feel like sobbing. I try so hard to have faith and be strong for them, for the two boys I love more than anything in the world, because their

part 2: love truly completes mylife, and while I try so hard not to let some disgusting antis comments get tome, they inevitably do. I’m a new writer, and I just found a blog xxxxxxxxxxand I saw this: ‘I’m not one for violence, but I do believe that you should beencouraged to punch a) Nazis and b) Larries’, as well as this whole nasty,repulsive rant she went on about why she hates Larries. The world is so fuckedup and I hate that such horrible people exist. I hate how low I feelafter 

part 3: reading such vilecomments. Even though Larry is my whole world and I literally don’t care aboutany other couple, it’s so fucking hard to be strong in such a toxicenvironment. Sometimes I just feel like breaking down and sobbing because it’sso fucking draining and painful and it all just hurts so much. Sorry forflooding your inbox, I just feel so depressed about all this. I know we’re inthe majority, I know we’ve held our heads fucking high through it all, but it’sagonising. 

—————–

Dear sweet anon, 

First thingsfirst: imagine me giving you a big, warm and long hug (unless you’re uncomfortablewith hugs, in which case imagine me bringing you a cup of tea or something elseyou like). I know how draining it can be – didn’t leave the fandom for a yearfor no reason – but there are ways to make all this more enjoyable.

Withoutwanting to tell you what to do, I do want to share a few things that have mademy experience 10x more enjoyable this time round.

1stthing that worked for me: curating my social media experience carefully. Firsttime round, for the longest time, I wouldn’t block or unfollow any blogs anddeliberately followed some antis to stay up to date – all out of a misguidedsense of “I shouldn’t ignore any information”. But anti opinions are notinformation, and not all perspectives are equal. All evidence needs to be evaluated,in context of the last ten years. If this consistently points to a relationship– it’s okay for you to stop looking at blogs that discount the evidence for Louis’and Harry’s relationship. Keeping an open mind, okay, but publicityrelationships are a thing, and it’s perfectly okay to filter them out. It’s even more important to protect yourselfagainst hate speech

Which bringsme to the 2nd thing that worked for me: never to hesitate to block someonewho compares you to a nazi and says you deserve to be punched. That’s bullyingand online violence and it deserves no more than one second of your attention.The time it needs to report and block them. End of story. I was stupid enoughnot to do that in this case, I actually went and looked, curious to find out what thejustification of this comparison was, which led me to some seriously logicallyflawed theories of Larries being antisemitic conspiracy theorists which… lostme another hour of my day and brought me no useful insights whatsoever. If youneed whole pages to connect Larries to antisemitism based on the bad logic, on denial of evidence, and on denial that closeting of celebrities just HAPPENS,like ALL the fucking time - that’s really just not WANTING to see it.

A 3rdthing that has worked for me is not letting “Larry (be) mywhole world”. I hope you were exaggerating it a littlebit  - but I can related somewhat. Theirdynamics certainly became a source of positive energy in my life back in 2013when I was in dire need of one, but as I had few other sources and this RainbowDirection thing gradually started taking up more space in my life and became adirect target of the gaslighting and bullying tactics, it almost destroyed me.When your only source of positive is this, and you cannot/or refuse to avoidthe negativity, it becomes a toxic relationship for you. I always took socialmedia detox weeks over the summer holidays, but last year, I extracted myselffrom all of this for over a year because the negatives started outweighing thepositives. This allowed me to build more other sources of positivity into mylife and that has made all the difference in coming back. Taking a step back can really helpyou see perspective. Interestinglywhen I came back, I realized I had remembered most of the bad stuff, and I hadforgotten so much of the good stuff.  I amhaving loads more fun now. And I am also much more careful about what I allow to affect me. You can choose to see the glass half full or half empty. I chose to be an optimist, and allow myself not to have to doubt everything all the time. 

Fourththings that has worked for me: self care. I am who I am, so every once in a while,I do still get shitty anons, or I get caught up in an argument with someone whodraws the blood from under my nails, or I find out that someone I like that hasme blocked for some reason that likely has very little to do with what Iactually think or said. That’s shitty. But there’s good antidotes for it. I’vecreated a few resources for my own self care. When, this past year, shittystuff happened, I devoted myself to creating lists of things that make me happyin this fandom. For me that will be updating the Rainbow Direction press articleslist, or history page, or going through this list of tribute videos. I am justnow thinking of a post that I have been planning to make collecting allcomments from people reminiscing about the early RD days after Harry’s tour endedlast year. Go back over the Harry-Louis treatise, immerse yourself in FreddieIsMyQueen’schannel, scroll through the pride and rainbow tags, there is so much that youcan do to remind you of the good stuff in this fandom. There is really loads ofit.

Thatdoesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel like breaking down and sobbing. When Iimagine going to Louis’ concert and watching him sing Too Young, or Walls, Ibreak down and sob and desperately want to be hugged. And that’s frustratingabout being in an online, virtual community, there is no one to give you thathug. That’s when I know I need to call one of my friends in real life andinvite them for a cosy evening on the couch. Actual real human contact, gettingmy daily hugs in, has been so so important for me. But self care also workshere: in the past when there wasn’t anyone, a long walk outside, a warm bath, ora visit to the sauna or the gym have also worked for me. Being physical,instead of all this virtual mindblowing and mindnumbing shit.

Wow,this wasn’t supposed to get so long. But I can relate. And I’m hugging you fromfar away, if that’s your thing.

All thelove, anon!  

[jeanmoreaux]

28. The first book that comes to mind, tell us about it. Rant.

hey!! sorry for my late response, hon! this ask has been sitting in my inbox for close to 2 weeks due to multiple reasons, two of them being my terrible time management and my limited amount of spare time to waste away on tumblr. mainly, though, i just didn’t know what book to rant about bc i feel like if i rant about a book there has to be a good justification as to why this book deserves my bashing. so i tried to think of a rant-worthy book and i came up empty. but then the other day, i walked into a book store, unknowing of the inspiration that would hit me and help me to finally answer this ask. as i made my way through the numerous shelves full of great books, a familiar cover caught my eyes and filled me with abhorrence. the book i am taking about is Adam by Ariel Schrag. 

for all of you who haven’t read this book yet; good, keep it like way. it’s the most utter piece of garbage i have ever laid eyes on. honestly, i have never hated a book with more passion. It’s beyond me why it has a 2.87 star rating on goodreads. apparently, it was initially praised as a revolutionary, subversive queer story, but actually it’s a homophobic, transphobic, racist, and misogynist disaster that is not worth the paper it was printed on. seriously, it physically hurts me to think about how trees had to die for this dumpster fire of a book to exist in physical form in bookshelves around the globe.

i conjecture the author’s intent was to promote the idea that sexuality and gender can be fluid and that love knows no gender, which is in itself a great message, but, oh boy, the execution was just horrendous. worse than anything i have ever seen, and ten time as problematic.

*spoilers ahead*

((my brain tried to erase this book’s content form my memory, so i forgot the names of every character except for the protagonist’s one since his name is in the title lmao)) basically, this story follows this cis boy, adam, who’s nonstop horny and would literally do ANYTHING to get laid, which shows in the questionable decisions he makes throughout the story. he spends his summer at his sister’s apartment in new york. through his sister, who is a lesbian, he comes into contact with various other lgbtq+ individuals, of which some are trans. he meets a cute lesbian at a party, and decides that she is his one true love (yikes), the-girl-of-his-dreams (quite literally! he dreams of her and later meets her at this party and it’s supposed to be an adorable dejà vu kinda thing but it is NOT. it’s just cringy and uncomfortable). he then sets his mind on seducing her. since she’s a lesbian, he decides to pretend to be a trans guy ((like what the fuck, dude????!!!?)) so she’s willing to go on a date with him ((which does not make any fucking sense to me bc she’s still a lesbian and he’s still a guy, but whatever)). in the mean time, his sister has some drama going on that’s quite yikes, if you know what i mean, and there is also a lot of other horrible stuff going on, such as fetishizing various minorities and reinforcing harmful stereotypes, that makes you wanna bury the book somewhere no one will ever be able to find and read it. 

adam keeps telling people he is trans, and is quite proud of his “performance” as he keeps lying to everyone’s faces about being trans. there is a lot of drama happening, but i forgot most of it. what i do remember, though is that eventually adam and the-girl-of-his-dreams start officially dating and, consequently, they start having sex. adam insists that they only have sex in the dark, using his made-up gender dysphoria as an excuse. at first he use a strap-on to keep his masquerade up, but at a later point in the story adam just tells himself “fuck it, i wanna have REAL (uhhhm, wtf as if only penetrative sex is real sex), UNPROTECTED sex with this girl who still doesn’t know i am lying to her about being trans. so i’ll just insert my penis into her vagina without her consent.” i believe he tells her after the fact, and she’s like “i know, it’s chill. i found out that you’re a cis guy a while ago, and what can i say, you’re such an amazing guy i still fell in love with you, despite being a lesbian (!!!!!!!! WTF)”

they keep dating for a few month, and when they break up the girl starts dating an older guy shortly after. suddenly, she isn’t a lesbian anymore (i don’t even think she considers herself bi), and the ending kinda suggests that adam turned her straight, which is hella problematic, to say the least. don’t get me wrong, this change of labels is not intrinsically bad, but the way it is presented in the context of the book suggests that you can “turn people straight” and that being gay is “ a choice” or “a phase” that ends when you meet the right person of the opposite sex. furthermore, the way the characters are crafted and the story is told, Adam also suggests that queer people are annoying assholes whose only defining characteristic is their queerness. this notion of anti-queer character portrayal and conversion is also present in the storyline of adam’s sister.  i think his sister who labelled her lesbian in the beginning turns bi in the end, too, bc she just Can’t™ with lesbians and trans people anymore since their all selfish & self-righteous pricks.

and it’s not like this book judges adam’s actions or critically comments on his bad behavior. there are literally no consequences for adam unless you count the break up as one, which i think you can’t be they still happily dated for a considerable amount of time.

i hope you get the gist of why i loathe this book so much. there is nothing subversive or revolutionary about this sort of portrayal of lqbtq+ issues and characters. the representation & messages contained in this story are damaging as fuck. i have no idea how this book was repeatedly approved of by several instances in the process of publishing and no one in this chain of decision making voiced concerns and was like “i’m sorry but this is a really shitty book”??!!? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS GETS PUBLISHED??!!? after this massive fuck up, ariel schrag probably can’t ever again publish a story under her name.

frankly, i desperately want to throw Adam into the destructive, all-consuming flames of eternal hell fire so it vanishes into ever-lasting oblivion. 

[elizabethrobertajones]

not to play devil's advocate bc fuck that anon, but i don't think they were bitching about the destiel scene per se so much for the context of it, and the big romantic implication that we were waiting for was just a throwaway sex joke from a demon that we've heard the likes of so many times and it.. doesn't really move their relationship anywhere. i hope you understand.

Yeah, I do, when you’re not aggressive about it (thanks

I just feel like that anon’s aggressiveness was entirely about the sense of being promised an entire scene and then lashing out and blaming me/the fandom/the show?? for promising them something huge and taking their generalised disappointment/overall anger at the show and bundling it all into using this as the scapegoat for their anger. If they had just taken a mo to read those tweets again it came across fairly clearly to me that it was a single line and also one that was in the category of whoops and cheers and laughter from Jensen rather than “awww”s and other less bawdy reactions. The thing is that those spoilers weren’t hyping it up as anything more than what it was, and knowing now full well that it was a single line, re-read those tweets and it’s very clear that they were reporting faithfully on the moment while trying not to spoil it. Especially all 4 together in that post, which was the most popular I saw circulating, and I feel like anon in particular seemed to have been waiting for an entire scene and somewhere or other got very hyped up for something that no one had promised them from any of these 1st hand reports. Seeing the tweets again reminded me I had the anon in my inbox and I got pretty pissed off that they got so annoyed about it when I was taking another look at the spoilers with all the context… I just, like, really hate speculation and spinning enormous narratives like gold out of straw. 

I didn’t really talk about the moment itself, but, yeah. It isn’t anything new - Dabb has even written 3 years ago an almost identical scene with the angels taunting Cas with the implication he and Dean are boning, but this one made the connection absolutely clear for the audience, with no leaps whatsoever to connect what he was saying to Destiel, vs it being Dean’s phonecall that set that angel to threatening to cut off Cas’s junk. And we’ve gone a pretty long time since that level of taunting. I’ve always liked that 7x23 was the last time we got a “he’s your boyfriend” for a pretty hefty stretch of Carver era… I’m actually struggling to remember if there ARE any direct implications in seasons 8 or 9, and then in 10 we get the “Deastiel” moment in 10x05, and the deleted boyfriends argument in 10x14, and overall Carver era is extremely low on these implications and ‘jokes’ compared to Gamble era. I DO think the direct implications without any actual representation or canon sucks especially because these heap up and up and up in the ongoing annuals of Dean n Cas implications which are starting their 10th full year now. Like, interesting as they are on a meta level and for rolling along with the story having fun etc, cumulatively they suck when that’s as visible as it gets. 

I do think, though, that in general this line would have been treated with a lot more fun if it hadn’t been spoiled at all because even sensible people like yourself can build up an expectation that the line might not be another one of these, just out of hoping for the best/giving the show the benefit of the doubt. Like actually maybe it could be someone calling Cas on his feelings (like 13x04 and the Empty accusing him of having some secret love, which was profound rather than teasing and a whole other category of this stuff minus the whole har har it’s funny that you might be gay together thing which for me hands an enormous amount of leeway to the snide comments from bad guys as it creates the weight to the relationship which makes it more than something spun from nothing but needling from villains who think its a joke, whether they seem to believe it or not). So I do get the hope that you can build up that it might have been something else, even against the spoiler than Jensen absolutely cracked up at it (which to me, knowing how he laughs at these things in general, was really the thing that made me guess it was going to be pretty much what we got but I know I apply a lot of lowest possible expectations to thinks just to protect myself). 

Being bitter and cynical about it without proper mental upkeep in the direction of positivity can be really wearing. *I* can be cynical because I don’t mean it as wank and I know I still love the show etc etc so I’m prepared for the event without it coming across as disappointment… But that’s a strong mental wall I made and I know not everyone wants to/can/thinks we should have to do that. I sort of feel ALL media can be disappointing or not what you were after and basically only stuff you make yourself and a rare few creators will scratch the exact thing you want without issues. So I don’t feel it’s weird to allow SPN leeway to do sucky things so much as it’s the thing I’m most invested in so I have to be a lot more clear about them, while if other media lets me down in some way I am way more casual and roll with it easier to start with. And with SPN being heavily invested for so long, I’ve weathered SO MUCH outrage over these things and worse and less that something like this is very easy for me to soak with my mental armour and take on the chin and see it for what it is in the first place and so on without having particularly bitter thoughts when I immediately divine what type of line it will be from the spoilers. It’s not a “oh it will probably be garbage gay teasing” it a much more gentle reaction, knowing that I’ve already watched this far knowing the show does it so one more instance is just another for the record books. 

I mean there’s a feeling of collecting the show’s sins and weighing its heart when all is said and done in the future when the show ends. But that’s extremely morbid so I don’t linger on that part of this sort of disassociative permissiveness to the show’s nonsense :P

Anyways. It’s good to be excited about the show but when it comes specifically to wild destiel spoilers I do think this fandom seriously needs an overall better filter to decide what will truly happen, and there’s no one person to blame, it’s a mindset and we very easily get carried away, and I’ve had to learn the hard way that I need to set myself as a rock in that river and let it wash past me. And not make hard lines of saying not to get enthusiastic for ANYTHING because oftentimes spoilers about Dean n Cas working together or chilling together DO turn out to be really good and in no way should we approach the episodes like we’re going to be attacked, because that’s where bitter stan fandom factions come from. It’s so complicated, and I really was trying not to say anything about it but then I got frustrated and it’s hard to be completely perfect about keeping quiet on annoyances… :P 

I don’t know what the tl:dr is here.. I don’t blame people for getting excited, for sure. But maybe just for lashing out at others when they don’t get what they want and are really incautious. The original anon conjured a whole scene up they wanted, not just a line, and that to me is the perfect example of fandom spinning straw into gold with hype, and something I really can’t stand and at that point I start to say there IS a personal blame/responsibility. Peeps who weren’t THAT irrationally expectant and then proportionately furious after are cool and I wasn’t blaming anyone else >.>