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#then i bought it on my switch about a year or two ago? (also didnt get very far)
arielluva · 1 year
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does anyone have advice for getting into stardew valley because i have tried. multiple times. to get into this game and actually play it because i DO like it!!! i have gotten sucked in a few times, but i never make it too far :( i feel like i just get overwhelmed by everything that you could do and seeing other people be so far ahead in their own saves that i just. idk. feel discouraged? i know the answer to this is probably to just play the game and do whatever because if its my first save it doesn't really matter what happens but still
also i think another part of it is just not knowing everything i should do right off the bat like i would with any other game i enjoy playing like fantasy life but i guess thats a given since i haven't played much of it
most rational thought: "i don't know everything about this game and what to do how am i supposed to play this good... :( at least in fantasy life i know what to do :((" (i have had fantasy life for like 8 years so of course i know what to do)
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mothuary · 2 years
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Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance
Ok! so this review is for the first game that I actually started and finished in the new year. Yay! When I stumbled upon the last game I wrote a review for, I had actually been looking for this one: 
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Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance was one of the first video games I’d ever touched in my life. I didn’t even learn it was a spinoff until I’d accidentally bought the mainline game two years ago and was supremely confused. Needless to say, I was really excited to see if this held up to my expectations. Now, this game is part of a kind of set of very similar games that were released by snowblind studios all around the same time, so BG:DA2, as well as the two similar games that take place in the Everquest universe, the first and second Champions of Norrath games. But this one is all D&D 3e babyyyy. Now Im not going to spend this review sucking up to WotC obviously, but it is very charming to re-play a game and see all the references I had been missing as a kid. I thought beholders were as well-known as dragons, lol. 
Now I know that the game has been, in recent years, re-released, so lets talk about what I like about it and see if it’s a worthy way to go on a little early 2000s fantasy nostalgia trip. 
First lets talk about your characters. You get a quite limited selection of three characters with pre-selected names and classes. You can also unlock Drizzt Do’Urden in the character select screen but i didnt know so I played as the elf Adrianna, and my 2P played as... human archer. whose name I forget. each of them has the stats and abilities you would expect, ie. the sorcerer starts with high int and low str, and can cast magic missile. Part of the great fun of the game is finding new weapons and armor to upgrade your character with, but seeing as the game is locked to the basic loot tables in D&D 3e, the loot is a lot more boring than I remembered. You’ll mostly get a couple of weapons worth clinging to over the course of the game, and sell everything else. But hey! at least the woman armor looks respectable. (image source cause its from someones letsplay but mega spoilers in there!)
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Before I get started rambling about the gameplay, you might be interested to know that the music is done by the infamous jeremy soule so if you want some very morrowind-esque vibes, you can always give it a listen: ( x | x | x )
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Okay so gameplay stuff. The game is set up in a bunch of dungeons where you look down from above and you go from “room” to “room” (they arent all literal rooms) and you clear out all of the enemies. Its quite cute, it does remind me of a miniature in a model set. Enemies dont respawn, so there IS a limited quantity of experience in the game. You can load characters from past playthroughs if you want to start out beefier, and this is recommended if you want to play the harder difficulties. Its also important to keep that in mind when youre playing with more than one person, because if youre always getting the kills, your player 2 will fall behind quickly. 
The game has some kind of clunky controls, I really hate how difficult it is to switch spells (you have to use the D-Pad and they give you like forty empty spell slots lol). This issue is especially bad compared to the way that champions of norrath handles it (basically offers you hotkeys, its way better). We also found that the archery was a lot less.... fun than just melee bonking bc there are really limited projectiles. by which I mean its just arrows. plain ol arrows. Also there arent any rings around the feet of your character to help differentiate P1 from P2 so i kept walking into walls. Its not helped by the fact that the gameplay is v simplistic hack n slashy so your eyes kind of glaze over sometimes. 
Another thing of note, which I never really noticed as a kid, is how front-loaded the game is. In the beginning of the game, youre completing a questline attached to the Elfsong tavern, and every once in a while, when you stop at the tavern to buy new weapons, someone will show up to give you a new quest. The quests were always part of the linear plot, so they didnt change the shape of the game at all, but they made the world feel more interesting. By the time you step into the second chapter of the game, the world begins to feel more flat and less and less named npcs pop up to chat with you. It ends up making the game feel really lonely. The NPCs that DO exist are animated quite well for a 2001 game, though, and I was really struck by their individually moving fingers which really helped them feel very emotive, which was underlined by the way that NPCs take up the whole screen when you talk with them. 
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having a sexy bartender in the first five minutes of your game helps keep the audience engaged. 
Its a quite short adventure, it took my partner and I about a week to play all the way through and honestly? By the end I was mostly just kind of excited that I can move on to the second game now and see how much better it is. I think that the game is OK, but should you pay $30 new for it? NO. you can get ps2 copies used for $10. and if youre interested in playing BOTH of the games (and/or the champions games as well) i’d just.... buy a ps2. This game is very imperfect and leaves a lot to be desired. I would not recommend it to everyone, but I would recommend it to anyone craving a classic campaign but doesnt have a party. It does scratch the D&D itch but its not the best of it’s kind. That being said, if your time is limited, I’d say that most people would prefer the Champion’s games to this one. 
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technowoah · 3 years
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Can I request a prompt #37 with Karl Jacobs? I love your writing btw :)
Ring(s)
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The four times Karl tried to propose and the one time he actually did.
- Karl Jacobs x gen!neutral reader!
- Prompts: 37) "Are you proposing?!"
⚠︎ swearing, fluff, angst if you squint and a rushed ending. I didn't proofread either
an// TYSM FOR LIKING MY WORK 😭ALSO Thanks for requesting and sorry this came out so late! Hope you enjoy :)
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To say that Karl loved you was an understatement. He adored you and practically worshipped the ground you stood on. He is so respectful, which is a major upgrade from your other boyfriends, and loves you for who you are. You didn't have to put on a facadè at all during the 3 years you two have dated.
This love wasn't a one way thing. You loved him just as much, or even more, than he did. Everything he did you supported, you were always cheering him on from wherever you were. You were here for the good and the bad, and he was too. You two never shyed away from admiting your love and support. You could write a essay on each thing you love about Karl.
The idea of marriage came up during a late night dinner at Denny's. The idea came so naturally to you, so it surprised Karl that you didn't tense up. Karl was tense when bringing up the topic of marriage, so when you said "Yeah, I wanna get married to you one day." so casually it caught him off gaurd.
You two had already talked about marriage time and time again, but this time Karl wanted to take the initiative. He was ready to get married and since the marriage talk was just a few months ago it was fresh in his mind. Karl could vividly imagine you walking down the aisle towards him looking angelic. He could see everything now and he wanted those daydreams to become a reality. He wanted to physically feel your hands against his as you two say "I do" to one another.
He couldn't stop thinking about settling down in a nice house with you. Karl already bought a ring for you and always has it with him. Now he justs needs to figure out how to tell you.
1st proposal: Fireworks
"THIS IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE FIREWORK IN THE ENTIRE WORLD-"
You blocked out Jimmy's yelling as you sat in a lawn chair in the middle of the woods. Karl had invited you to a MrBeast video shoot because he thought it would be a great early 4th of July. It was late at night and slightly cool outside, so you were wearing a MrBeast hoodie Karl was wearing earlier. You zoned out as the boys talked to the camera over and over again, taking multiple shots.
You found yourself looking at Karl most of the time you sat there and you always caught his gaze towards you. Every time you caught him looking at you, you sent him a small wave or blow him a kiss and every time he sent a shy wave back or sent a more exaggerated kiss back.
During halfway through the shooting you begrudgingly had to move your lawn chair further and further away from your original spot. Karl always checked up on you before and after each firework set were blown up. He has been acting fidgety around you and you didnt know why. When you tried to confront him about it he would always turn away and go back to the boys without a glance back, and his hands in his pockets.
You loved watching the guys play with so many different types of fireworks, this was a great 4th of July for you, but you wished that Karl was sitting next to you feeling the bliss that you were.
You were currently sitting behind bulletproof glass while the guys had a control panel on their lap. Karl kept sending glances towards you and you looked at him and smiled whishing he was next to you and not over by the guys. You knew it was selfish, but he invited you here.
Karl kept bouncing his leg, he kept his hand in his pocket which held the ring. He kept sending glances towards you, knowing he should be on one knee right about now. Jimmy was about to fire off the last rocket of the night and Karl couldn't seem to go over and ask you to marry him. He knew he was hilding himself back which made him hate himself. You deserved a good night and he hoped you enjoyed the fireworks, but he knew on the ride back he would have to apologize.
He stayed with the boys as they went to go see the fireworks they would be setting off soon. Once they came back they were all about to press the button to set off the expensive fireworks they counted down from 5 and he looked towards you. You were standing up with your arms crossed, hopefully shielding yourself from the cold, and looking towards the fireworks that were going to burst. They finally pressed the button the fireworks went off.
Each burst of light in the air sent a glow onto your smiling face. Karl sent a somber glace and marveled in how the explosion of the fireworks sent a beautiful glow around you.
This wasnt the right time. Next time.
2nd proposal: Donuts
"Im sorry for last night." Karl apologized as you both took a seat at a booth by the window at the small coffee and donut shop.
This was supposed to be an apology for the last failed proposal. Instead of spending time with you, he kept his distance which was the opposite of what he really wanted to do. This was a way to spend much needed time with eachother, but this was also another attempt at a proposal.
Karl wanted to hide the ring in the middle of a donut so when you inevitably look at it when he hands it to you, you'll see the ring and then he'll propose right there. To him it seemed flawless.
You never wanted a huge proposal. You didnt want that much attention on you when your future significant other would propose. Something simple would be the ideal proposal and you've hinted that many times to Karl and right now he was listening. There were only two other couples in the small diner because others were picking up donuts and leaving. If he decided to get down on one knee it would cause a scene.
You stayed silent for a moment looking at Karl before deciding to speak.
"It's no problem. Please dont stress out about it." You smiled softly and he smiled back at you. "I mean the fireworks were beautiful, but you all were screaming too much."
You both laughed as you both recalled that night in the desert.
"Yeah I just didn't..I didn't really talk to you all night. I feel bad." Karl said fiddling with his hands.
"Its in the past Karl. And I still know you love me." You reached out to grab both of his hands and hold his cool hands in yours.
"I do love you." He whispered for only you to hear leaving both of you smiling ear to ear.
"What kind of donuts you want?" Karl asked looking into your eyes carefully.
You thought about it for a while before speaking up. "I'll keep it simple. Icing with sprinkles. Surprise me with the icing color!" You exclaimed while letting go of his hands for a second.
Once you two let go of eachothers hands he immediately went to his pocket and played with the velvet box. He nodded his head and without a word he stood up to meet the cashier behind the display box of donuts. He ordered only one donut as you said with orange icing this time.
He paid for the food and stayed at the counter where he paid. Karl looked back to see if you were paying attention to him only to see you looking out the window at the people passing by. Karl smiled at the sight knowing he really wants to marry you one day and then he looked down at the glistening ring inside of the box.
Karl was supposed to put the ring in the middle of the donut that was laying alone on a napkin on the counter. He started to think of the possibilities of what could happen. What if you didn't see the ring and crumble the ring with the napkin and throw it away? What if you accidentally put the ring in your mouth? What if you weren't hungry anymore?
He looked over again to where you were looking at him giving him the same smile you gave during the fireworks. Karl sighed and once again closed the box with the ring. He was a coward and he knew that.
Karl picked up the donut from the counter and made his way over to you.
"Here's your donut with sprinkles and orange icing!" Karl exclaimed putting emphasis on the 'orange' part.
"Thanks babe!" You smiled as he sat down across from you. "Wait, you didn't get anything for yourself?"
Karl sighed again for what seemed like the 100th time today and put on a smile. "I ended up not being as hungry as I thought I was."
"Well I could always share!" You started to eat your donut as Karl ended up looking outside.
Unbeknownst to you he was thinking of another way to propose without himself getting in his own head.
He'll find a time.
3rd proposal: Livestream
"Chat! As you can see I have my significant other here with me!" Karl exclaimed to his Twitch following.
You were sat next to him in another one of his office chairs with a blanket across your lap. You loved to join Karl's streams, the last couple of time you two played minecraft, gang beats, played on the nitendo switch for a while, but this time he didn't tell you what games you two would be playing. Karl just told you to come over tonight and ended up asking to join him for a stream last minute.
Now you are here next to him as Karl glows with excitement as he streams to his growing followers. You loved how he interacted with his fans and had a genuine connection with them, but sometimes that strong connection can, and has led to some nights where you had to stay the night and comfort him from his inner demons and the internet. Those nights made you love him even more, the vulnerability he gave to you made you comfortable with him.
It seems like the more time you spend eith him the more you want to officially get married. You didn't want to rush him because you soon figured out for yourself that there is no rush to express your love, which you two do everyday day. You two can get eloped in Vegas and you'll be happy, as long as you can spend the rest of your life with the man you love.
Karl kept sending glances towards you throughout the stream hoping you were having fun with the chill, q and a stream. Again he wanted to propose to you tonight during the stream. He loved showing your relationship whenever he could and whenever you would allow him to. His community also loved you the moment you became his significant other, so hopefully this will be a beautiful moment.
You talked to his chat as he contemplated, again, about whether to propose tonight. It wasn't infront of people, it was infront of a screen and it would be on Twitter in less than a week. This would be a good moment, but then again he wanted this moment to be between you two and he couldn't find the right time nor the right "moment".
As the stream continues you ended up wrapping yourself fully in the blanket and lying your head on his shoulder. You both cuddled eachother while you two answered questions. Karl kissed the top of your head and finally collected all of his thoughts.
He didn't need to propose to officially claim his love to you. Karl knew you both loved eachother to the ends of the Earth and back. There's no need for ceremony and the one day he will propose, he know it will come naturally. There is no need to force it, and now he wont.
Only time will tell.
4th proposal: spongebob
"Are you ready, kids?
Aye, aye, Captain!
I can't hear you!
Aye, aye, captain!
Oh!"
The TV illuminated the comfortable, dark room you two were in. You were lying on the couch with Karl with the blanket you had while streaming. It was late at night after the stream and you two ended up watching re-runs of spongebob. Karl sang along to the theme song softly while you hummed along. This was the 4th episode you both watched this night and it was a great way to end the week.
"Do you want to stay over tonight?" Karl asked softly with tiredness in his voice.
"Of couse. Im too tired to move, so thanks for offering." You chuckled.
"You're welcome here anytime." Karl yawned and squeezed your sides. "Do you want popcorn?"
"Hell yeah." You got off of Karl as he walked to the kitchen.
He put the bag into the microwave and leaned back onto the kitchen counter as he waited. Karl looked over to the side and saw a empty vase which was next to the velvet box he was carrying with him this whole week. He shook his head and laughed to himself before getting the popcorn out of the microwave, dumping it in a bowl and walking back to see you taking up the whole couch.
"Move over or I'll sit on you." Karl said standing above her.
"Is that a promise?" You teased.
"Okay then!" He turned around and began to slowly and dramatically fake sitting ontop of you.
You began to laugh and try to push him off of you. You successfully got him to sit down and returned to your previous position, but this time with popcorn.
"I love you, you know that?" You hummed into his chest.
"Yeah, and I love you more."
"I love you most."
"I love you mostest." Karl laughed.
"That's not a word." You smiled.
"I love you so much I made up a word for ya." Karl kissed you head and you hugged him tighter.
"You know what?" Karl chuckled. "I love you so much that I tried to propose to you 3 times this week."
Karl finished and you sat up from your spot looking surprised. Karl sat up as well thinking he made a mistake telling you. He was abkut to apologize, but you beat him to speak.
"Oh my gosh!" You exhaled.
"Look, I'm sorr-"
"Are you proposing?!" You exclaimed with a smile on your face.
"Huh-?"
Karl was surprised just like you were before. He remembered that he wanted the Maybe this was the moment he needed this week.
Karl grabbed both of your hands and caressed them both, looking into your eyes. "I was planning to all week. But now I think this is a good moment. So Y/N? Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will!" You enveloped him into a tight hug and peppered his face with kisses. He finally found his moment and he couldn't be happier.
"You said you tried to propose three other times?" You questioned. "When was that?"
"Its a long story."
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transhoverfish · 3 years
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Just curious..
What do you like and don't like about each of the Subnautica games? (If there's anything to hate about these games, they're amazing)
tbh i dont have many complaints about either game, although i have felt that playing both quickly after the other does,,, make the differences super noticeable. things in sub1 i never had a problem w or didnt bother me much have become more bothersome now that ive played bz
like the battery meter on tools and the option to choose where each go in the slot? having to mess w all my tools to get them the EXACT order i wanted (for maximum efficiency of course) was always sort of annoying to me but nbd. now i can barely STAND how the tool menu works/looks in sub1 bc the bz version is.... so much better
I ALSO have a few gripes w bz that have slowly started to bother me more and more as i play. and by a few i mean one thing specifically. the CRASHING. obvs both games have a bit of a crashing and framerate and pop-in issue, but bz is just,,,, so much worse when it comes to crashes.
ive had sub1 on pc and ps4 for like, 3 years now?? and ive dealt w maybe around 5-10 crashes total in those three years, very sporadically? since ive bought bz less than a month ago ive dealt w at least 30 crashes. if i play for an hour it crashes at LEAST 1 time, usually 2 or 3 on average. i quit playing due to crashing more often than i quit after a save and exit. and although ive played sub1 considerably less on the switch, its still not crashed a single time, which makes me think it might be a bz problem and not a switch problem, but idk. i save often enough that i never lose more than 10 minutes at worse, but still,,,,,the crashing is constant. if the loading times were as bad as sub1's (which thankfully they are not), i would probably only play every once in a while bc i just cannot get more than 30 minutes in w/o a crash.
speaking of loading screens holy SHIT sub1 takes like 3 minutes at best to load in a NEW save. i could literally get up and make myself lunch and be back before it loads up on a save with more than 1 small tube of a habitat built in. bz has sped that up a lot which makes the loading screen feel even worse (once again, fixing a problem and then going back to that problem in sub1 just accidentally makes the game a bit more frustrating)
other than those few technical problems, most of which could very well be due to my own old ps4, laptop that doesn't quite meet the spec requirements, and attempt to play subnautica on a SWITCH of all things; the only genuine complaints i have about both is the ending in sub1 being 'make the rocket' after the lost river/lava zone segments is the worst part of the game and i almost never fully finish playthroughs bc that much resource collecting and grinding at the v end is hell! aaand the ice spires can compete with the dunes for "large open area full of death and bullshit that nobody ever wants to go to" bc i spent an hour and a half in the arctic spires the first time i went there in survival! and despite exploring it extensively in creative and having a base right outside in survival i STILL get lost constantly. for the record im usually good at navigating back to somewhere in these games w/o signals, esp if ive been there multiple times. i just get lost in the arctic spires constantly. the ice worms dont help!!!
I JUST REALIZED IVE TYPE. A LOT OF COMPLAINTS. SORRY ABOUT THAT AKRBKABRJRBS ILL GET TO THE THINGS I LIKE NOW I PROMISE
the soundtrack in both games is AMAZING and i geniuenly just listen to them both for fun and get the songs stuck in my head sometimes. theres one from bz in my head right now it plays in the lilypad islands and i cannot remember what its called rn.
the sound design is both games is also really good?? i sit on the bz start menu and listen to the pengwengs, and sub1 in particular is like my favorite sound design in anything ever. i go in creative and just chill next to the creatures SO OFTEN. crabsquids, warpers, and sea dragons specifically sound so nice i could fall asleep to crabsquid noises they're so nice??
the ways the pdas are used for story telling is super nice, and ive always loved the little insights into the characters lives it gives u!! figuring out what happened to sam in bz and listening to all the final pda's in sub1 is always one of if not the favorite part of the games, i listen to every single pda every single time i play, i always feel just as sad for ozzy and keen and fred and the mercury crew and AAAAAA im very attached to these characters <33
also marguerit maida. need i say more.
SO if i talked about everything i liked in these two games i would b here for 3 hours so know that there is much much MUCH more i adore about them and my complaints about the arctic spires and crashing and loading times very much pale in comparison to all the good from the two!! bz is still very recently released so i believe the crashing issues will be dealt w in the future!!
i have many strong feelings for both games AND ive heard that apparently they've already confirmed a 3rd in the making? 👀 didn't look that up admittedly but if it IS true ill 100% b backing it up bc i ADORE this universe and its silly little fish and the silly little people i wanna hug. im full of love and subnautica takes up at least 67% of that love its my whole entire world i cannot imagine shutting up about them and ryley and robin anytime soon <3333
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remmiesaloser · 4 years
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13 Years | 4 Weeks
honestly, I dont know which of the two have been longer in my life. 
so recently I ended a 13 year long relationship with the guy I've been dating since my freshman year of high school. it took me this long to understand, acknowledge, and accept the relationship was emotionally (and borderline physically) abusive and thanks two my two best friends and a very nice therapist I asked him to move out.
I thought the overwhelming life style change would be the hardest. I haven't been alone since I was 14 and it took me a long time to build up the courage to end things because I am terrified of change and had little to no idea what to do without him. to my surprise I've adapted to being alone pretty well. the loneliness does get to me sometimes - I miss those moments we had where we could have a conversation without speaking. I miss over a decade’s worth of inside jokes, and it still hurts when I see something and instantly think of him cause it was our thing.
its a daily struggle to remind myself why I did this because its frighteningly easy to minimize the damage he did when he’s not here to do it every day. the gaslighting and emotional manipulation isn't something that just switches off or diminishes with distance. somehow, in some super shitty, unfair way, it gets worse. because im left alone with my thoughts that he’s managed to turn against me and they’re still working angles for him that catch me off-guard sometimes. I still battle with guilt for making him move out, because I feel terrible that now he’s stuck living with his mom and all his things are in boxes. and I hate that it’s gonna take a long time for that to go away. 
but I digress. because all of that isn’t the hardest part. the hardest part is getting him the fuck out of this apartment. we 'ended things’ April 5th. there are quotes around that because we haven’t officially broken up. like, I told him I needed a break till he gets his shit together, and he’s all but moved out, but I haven’t even changed our relationship status on Facebook (yay, guilt!) and we haven't really agreed that we’re broken up. Jesus, again I digress. ANYWAYS. I knew it was gonna be a process to move him out because our lives are so intertwined that we’ve had to go through rooms and drawers and boxes one by one separating our shit. and this process has been fucking agonizing because he is dragging his goddamn feet. 
Initially I thought we were gonna bang this out in a weekend, get all the shit out and be done. A month later, and there’s still a pile of his shit at the top of the stairs, a handful of things in the corner of the living room (including the giant china cabinet filled with his things) and his grandmother’s dishes in my cupboards. but that’s a post for another day. because right now im just gonna vent about him taking his sweet ass time, being insanely petty, and still somehow fucking manipulating me when he doesn’t even live here anymore. 
honestly the pettiness and inconsideration for my own time and requests is the biggest thing that’s getting to me, what’s driving me to write this. most of the time he’s been here for his shit, his mom’s been with him, and I was chalking up a lot of the pettiness to her. because he’d be here to get the things from the living room, and hours after they'd left I’d notice small things had been taken from other parts of the house. now some of the stuff he’s taken was his, just something I was using with him that I’d assumed he’d at least mention he was taking. im a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them and honestly unless it’s something from my family or something that I bought that was expensive, I don’t care. he can have it. It’s more the fact that, when I need something all of a sudden I cant find it and realize he took it. 
like, his nana’s pots and pans. They’re a really nice set his mom let us have and I fully expected them gone. my only request was that he give me a heads up so I could go out and get my own set when he planned to take them because with them gone, all I’d have left is a few frying pans. This is our conversation from that weekend:  
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This was Saturday afternoon. He never told me he wasn’t going to come by Saturday, and gave me a 15 minute heads up he was on his way over on Sunday - which did me no good because I wasn’t even home. That meant I couldn’t clean out the dressers (I didnt want to do it until the day he was going to get them because I would have to leave my clothes on the bed until I could get my own dresser from my parent’s house once his were gone). When I got home, all of my clothes were thrown on my bed and the ground.I had to rewash a bunch of shit, refold everything, and then clean the entire room from the mess that was made. 
fucking on top of that, his mom decided to take the pots and pans. I’d specifically asked him Saturday because I was going to Walmart and could have bought a new set for myself while there. I didn't want to buy them until I needed to because I’m trying to save money and didn’t get paid that weekend, so I figured if he’s not taking them I don’t need to get things until I get paid next weekend. Wrong. I had to go out that night again and get a set because, as I said, all I had were 3 frying pans and a skillet thing. Oddly enough, she didn’t take the dishes. They were her mom’s, just like the pots and pans, and for some reason she didn’t want them... don’t worry, I already plan to pack them up this weekend and give them back because lord knows what’ll happen if I dont and she decides she wants them six years from now. 
honestly though the biggest level of petty was the Tylenol PM. I know, it’s not a big deal. But it’s just one of those little things that I stopped and was like, are you fucking kidding me. I noticed that, after taking his bed and dressers, the pack of tissues he’d got us from Sam’s was gone. Again, he bought them, whatever. would’ve been nice for him to tell me so I had a heads up to fucking get them when I was at Walmart but whatever. he also took a 6-pack of toilet paper he’d gotten literally the day we ended things (because he’d gone to king Soopers with his mother instead of talking to me about the fight we’d had) and he’d initially told me to keep it, it was for me anyways. I noticed just last weekend it was gone. 
but the fucking Tylenol PM. I'm not one to buy brand name medicine. if I can get store brand, I will. Almost all my medicine is store brand except that Tylenol PM because I was really sick one year and wanted the good stuff. Y’all know how expensive Tylenol is. I sprang for it, and I used it sparingly because I didnt want to have to buy more if I didn’t really need it. Well, two weekends ago I fell down a fucking mountain. I was running a trail down a mountain, tripped, flew through the air, and landed on my shoulder and kneecap. It still hurts, and that day I was in a lot of pain. The regular Tylenol and Ibuprofen that I’d been switching back and forth with all day just wasn’t doing the trick and I was like, okay. this is a Tylenol PM kind of pain. That night, right before bed, I went to grab it from the bathroom cabinet. 
it was gone. the rest of my medicines, the store brand acetaminophen and store brand ibuprofen, those were still there, but the Tylenol PM was gone. It has exclusively only lived either on the dresser/nightstand in the bedroom, or the bathroom cabinet. as he took the dresser and nightstand, and it wasn’t in the cabinet, it had been taken. I cannot tell you how livid I was. it still pisses me off. because of all the things to take he took that. Not the rest of his bathroom shit, not even all his shit from the bedroom. but he took the Tylenol PM. I even asked if he knew where it might be - thinking he’d come across it at some point. he told me “it’s always been in the linen closet” where the rest of our medicines are. It was never there, but I checked the entire closet just in case - nothing. Again, I know it’s small. it’s just a bottle of pills. but it’s the whole damn thought behind it. 
there’s more things too - the fact that no, he doesn’t take all his things from a certain room, and I have to then box the rest of his shit up, move it out of my way, and clean the room that he trashed. 
It’s the fact that 90% of the things on our walls were his (which helps show me how little say I had on my own things in the apartment I exclusively pay for) and now that he’s taken them, he’s left the walls, hooks, and nails behind. most of them are up way above my head - he needed a ladder to put them in - and now they’re littered all over the wall. today, as he worked to get the shit from our front bedroom (hopefully the last things he’ll need to get) I asked him if he could also get the nails and hooks out of the wall because I can’t reach them. he asked me, “did you try using the step-ladder?”. I answered no, and he simply said, “that should work then”. Like, no. you put those up, so you could display all the things of yours YOU wanted to display (3 out of 4 walls in the room were covered with his things) and now he can’t even take the tacks down even though he took the hangings down. 
and then of course, it’s the fact that he just leaves a mess in his wake. when he first moved things out of the living room it was a mess. I spent hours rearranging shit, packing up the rest of his shit that he left behind, and then cleaning up everything because I still have to live here. it was the same with the bedroom. and now it’s gonna be the same thing with the front room. I told him today that everything needs to be out by next weekend because I can’t do this every weekend. He asked what I meant by ‘this’ and explained that I was tired of having to clean up everything that got messed up. He told me simply “it’s not being destroyed. I’m just taking my things”. At the moment the entire room was in shambles, everything askew from him digging his things out and leaving my stuff lying in piles. It’s cleaned up now - save the pile of boxes and junk at the top of the stairs - but I told him I have to clean up the mess that’s left behind. He didn’t have an answer for that. 
Honestly there’s really not a point to this. I’m just pissed, I’m annoyed, and I’m angry, and I’m sad. I’m just tired. And I wanted to vent. So if you stuck with me through this, I wanna thank you for listening. I appreciate being heard, because I haven’t been for so long. your time means a lot to me. 
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hareblazer · 5 years
Text
and they cried holy holy holy
its very hard existing in a world that doesnt love you 
fic focused on the affects of the religious south via larrys childhood + internalized homophobia now. tw for religious trauma, homophobia, the q slur, implied child abuse, self harm, implied suicide. separated into 6 parts.
all of these things are pretty normal for the time/context/situation i promise i didnt go ape shit on him ctvgbhn 
im gay. some things were minorly edited because of my own experiences. all conversations are inspired heavily by convos ive had.
ONE
“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” The pastor had told him. “Queers go to hell. It is the will of God.” Larry’s mother elbowed him, a way of saying this included him. “Join me in prayer so the sinners may reach Salvation and Repentance.” He raised his arms, framing the holy cross behind him. “Peace be with you.”
“And also with you.” All stood. Except Larry.
“God is Good.” He said.
“All the time.” All prayed. Except Larry. His father glared at him. He could feel the eyes of everyone around him- even if they weren’t looking- he knew what they thought of him. He wished he was good and pure. He wanted nothing more than to be loved by God like everyone else was. But he was just a sinner. A blemish on the tapestry of God’s vision.
None of that was true, of course, but as an 11 year old in the deep south in 1935- he had no choice but to believe.
“Larry.” His father whispered angrily. “Stand. Up. Now.”
“I don’t wanna.” Larry whispered back. He didn’t. He was tired. Ever since his parents found out about his preference for boys they had woken him up early almost every morning to pray- to be reminded of his damnation- to go to church and be told over and over again he was unnatural. He was so tired.
“Larry. If you don’t stand right now- You’ll be choosing a switch when we get home.”
“I’m tired-” He kicked his feet.
“Lawrence Michael Trainor.” His mother hissed. “You’re embarrassing us.” Larry could hear a waver in her voice.
“-in God’s name, amen.” The pastor finished.
“Amen.”
“You are dismissed.”
“Bless you, father.” someone behind Larry said. He couldn’t see very well through his own tears. He couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault. Now was, in Larry’s opinion, one of the worst parts of church. His parents beelined to Benjamin Quincy’s- probably to tell them to keep their son away from him. Again. Larry could already hear them berating Ben’s poor father- accusing them of turning their sweet son to the Devil and a path of damnation.
This was almost 90 years ago, but Larry could remember it like it was yesterday. He’d never admit it- but sometimes he still felt like that scared boy praying for a salvation that’ll never come.
Chief had bought him a bible, when he first moved into the manor, thinking it would remind him of home. He didn’t know, of course, the kind of history Larry had with religion- but it was enough to release the spirit on a rampage. Chief thought that was interesting. Larry thought it was a headache- literally and metaphorically. He actually wasn’t sure where it was now, actually. It had disappeared mysteriously years ago- after he had given Rita a vague idea of how his childhood was. He never looked for it.
It wasn’t until the patrol had to go into a church that Larry really thought about this again. Ordinarily he pretends it never happened- that he never had a childhood at all. It was easier than having to face it. He forgot why, exactly, they were there- but-
“Larry?” Cliff turned back, already halfway through the doors. Larry had stopped about ten feet off- Jane near him. “You coming?”
“Ah.” was all he could say in reply. This looked like his old one. His lungs felt like they were full of water. Jane tilted her head at him. She had a reason to hate this place- not to say he probably didn’t have one too- but she had definitely never heard about this before. “I.”
“We have two people against this stuff, now?” Cliff. He meant well, but he was about as sensitive as a brick. “What happened to you?”
Larry said nothing. Jane stepped up. “He doesn’t have to tell you. Just- go without us.” Cliff did the closest thing to a shrug he could do and left. Larry wanted to thank Jane- in his own quiet way- but he was a little overwhelmed for that. God. He could still hear the pastors words stinging his heart. He felt Jane’s eyes on him.
Repent, old sinner. Repent and be redeemed.
“Fuck.” Larry turned and walked away. “Fuck!”
“I guess the church screwed both of us over.” Jane crossed her arms. Larry only sighed.
“It screws everyone over. Whether they realize it or not.”
“Hm.” Jane agreed. “It’s a fucked up institution.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.
“God. I want to go back to the manor.” He placed a hand on his chest, trying to soothe the spirit. “Take a nap.”
“Me too.” Jane leaned against a wall.
They stood in silence, before Larry spoke again.
“The church by my house looked like this. Growing up.” He glanced back at it for a moment. “God. I hated that place.”
Jane watched him for a moment. They were the two most closed off people in the manor- this was literally the most he had ever said about himself to her.
“Boring?”
“I guess.” Larry did not say it was because they hated him. He did not say that the priest told him he deserved damnation. He did not say that he still had nightmares about it. “I was. Not well liked, I guess.”
“Oh.” Jane did not share her own trauma related to it. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to. “Are you still…?”
“God, no. I’m not a fan of- any of it, really. I don’t know.” He tries to tell her without really saying anything at all. “They. Really. Don’t like the kind of person I am. Is all.”
“Me neither.” She nodded. This conversation was so. Fucking. Awkward. But it was still the most they had talked in a long time. “Bad church experiences club.”
Larry chuckled. “Bad church experiences club.” 
TWO 
Larry was in class. Thirteen years old and already fully aware of his fate. Homosexuality is an abomination, he knew. God does not make mistakes, he knew. So why is he cursed with these feelings?
“God created all creatures in the Beginning-” his teacher was explaining in the background. Larry had heard this story a million times- both in and out of church. He was daydreaming about the boy who sat in front of him- he had the bluest eyes, and- no. No. Larry couldn’t think like that. That was a sin. He mentally scolded himself for letting his guard down. He had to have a wife. A family- or suffer for all eternity.
“God is love,” said his teacher.
It doesn’t feel much like love to Larry.
-
He regretted doing this. Larry found himself standing in front of the team- during Cliff’s sudden group therapy session and subsequent freakout.
“Well.” He started, but paused. God. God. God. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think it would be a good idea to come out? To let the only people he ever felt like he could trust learn his ugly, terrible truth and scorn him just as his own family did?
“I’m-”
“GAY!” Cliff interrupted suddenly. Larry froze. Oh god. Oh god. They knew. They KNEW. How did they know? No. Fuck. He was reading too far into this. Unless he wasn’t. The others protested Cliff’s outburst.
“Okay! I just thought Larry was about to come out- and it would’ve been so healing for him!”
Larry is thankful for the bandages covering his tears.
"I think all I wanted to say was...it gets lonely, not touching anyone for 60 years. the last person I ever touched was John Bowers. I- I loved him. and I drove him away." Larry hoped that was vague enough. God. He could see it now- remembering how his parents reacted when they figured it out for themselves- how the church had reacted- how the other boys had reacted- how he had joined the army in an effort to make himself more masculine, more straight- he couldn’t help but think about all the possible ways he could kill himself right here right now.
“I knew it.” Cliff stood. Larry panicked. “I just want you to know that you’re loved- and accepted-” He hugged Larry, and Larry didn’t know what to do.
He’d never been offered acceptance before. How do you react to that?
“I’m not done.” He snapped. It was the best he knew how to do.
“I’m only sharing this because it’s the thing Mr. Nobody shoved in my face.” A clarification he knew this was immoral. He knew he was wrong. “What’s left, of my face.”
Pause.
“That was a joke. God- these bandages are the death of all nuance.” He failed to lighten the mood. He could feel everyone’s judgement, burning his skin like the fire did so many years ago. “Look. If Mr. Nobody’s goal is to torture me, well- I’ve been doing his work for him. Whipping myself in a- a prison of my own making.” Fuck. That sounded kind of cliche.”And wh- what if I trusted John, what if I’d been more brave- and guess what? I’m sick of it! I’m not just hurting myself- I’m hurting this thing inside of me and it’s hurting me back, endlessly, until there’s so much self-loathing I can barely breathe.” He’s trying so, so hard not to break down. He returns to his spot on the couch and slumps, already tuned out and waiting for his inevitable punishment.
He’s only greeted with Rita’s hand on his back, a small comfort, but a welcome one nonetheless. 
THREE 
The last time Larry was in love was with John. It was, admittedly, most of what he thought about, these days- but it was the only time he could ever exist in peace around another person. Even if John was a little too open for Larry’s comfort, he was comfortable in his own skin during the rare times they could sneak a moment together.
He missed John so, so much. Not only because he loved him- though that was a big part- but because he missed feeling safe. He missed feeling loved. He missed feeling anything at all.
-
“So. You’re gay?” Cliff had asked, one morning.
“Yes.” Larry answered, a little too shortly.
“Aren’t you from- like- the 30s?”
“Yes.” Larry said again, knowing full well what question was going to come next.
“Did your parents-” Cliff paused, trying to find the words. “Take it well? How did you- do that? Back then?”
Larry didn’t answer, at first. He actually had no idea what Cliff was referring to. “What?”
“Y’know- you said you had a boyfriend? John? How did you hide it? Since homosexuality was, like- illegal.”
Larry considers losing it. “They. Did not take it well.” He started, failing to mention how most parents in the day had a habit of ‘beating the queer’ out of their children. “We hid it with difficulty. I mean- we risked getting murdered- or worse, if we were caught.”
“Damn.” Cliff said. “That’s rough.”
“Yeah.” Larry sighed. He hated this conversation so much. “I married a girl I knew right out of high school- that was normal, back then- but I guess I thought if I just forced myself into it I’d turn straight, or something?”
“Did it work?”
“No. I cheated on her for years with other men and ruined my family.”
“Oh.” Cliff feels so awkward. “I mean- I did that too. Cheated on my wife. But I didn’t have a good reason for it. Like you did.”
“Cliff, I didn’t have a good reason. I don’t know what you mean by that.”
“Sure you did! I mean- cheating at all is a dick move, no matter what- but, like, you’re gay. And you got forced to marry a woman so you wouldn’t die.”
“Cliff-”
“And gay marriage is legal now! So- like- it got better! Gay rights!”
“It’s legal?”
“Yeah! In 2015- thought we celebrated it! But then you wouldn’t leave your room because you were sad about something again, and then Jane-”
“It’s legal now.” Larry said again, not listening to anything Cliff was saying. “Holy shit.”
“-Then Hammerhead threw me across a room and Chief had to wire my legs back on.”
“I hated myself so fucking much for- so long-” Larry’s face is unreadable to Cliff. “The number of times I considered killing myself because I thought there was no other option- and it’s been legal for almost five years. And I didn’t know about it.”
“How did you find out you were. You know?” Cliff asked, trying to avoid talking about Larry’s apparent suicidal tendencies.
“What?”
“How did you know you were gay?”
“Oh. I mean- when I was a kid it was pretty watered down- but I never liked the idea of having a wife or a girlfriend like everyone expected me to. In middle school, though? The boy’s locker room was definitely an eye-opener- and in my twenties I-” Larry was not going to finish that sentence. Cliff hadn’t unlocked that part of his backstory yet. “God. I tried to repress it for so long, though. It’s really weird, having other people know.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.
“It’s okay, now. There’s even gay hookup apps, and stuff. I bet Vic could help you set one up.”
Larry shrunk into his coat. He could barely handle seeing a man in shorts, the other day. He really didn’t think he was ready for this. “Cliff. I’m not. I can’t do this.”
“Why not? You’re free to be yourself!”
“Cliff. It’s been ingrained in me since I was a kid that being gay was some- awful, horrible thing. This- acceptance? It’s too new to me. I’m not ready to embrace it. I can’t.” I can’t go to hell, was what Larry was thinking. I can’t do that. “Ninety years of- of repression- and self hatred- and hiding- and all of that, I can’t just- bounce back, Cliff. I need time to think about this.”
“Do that! You can talk to me, if you need to, Larry!”
“Maybe I will.” 
FOUR 
Larry was 16 when he hurt himself for the first time. It wasn’t on purpose- he was trying to whittle a little plane in class when he sliced his thumb- but he never really stopped. He felt like he deserved it- maybe the sins he held would leave his body, dripping like blood down his arms. Or maybe he just wanted to feel something other than shame. Either way- it was the one thing he could feel totally in control of. Something that finally felt justified. Unlike his unwavering attraction toward the other boys in his classes- like the now-constant disdain of his parents- unlike the smile his first kiss gave him before they left each other behind. His parents never actually knew about this habit, but Larry convinced himself they did.He told himself this was what they really wanted- between the constant threats of going to hell, or the reminders he’s ruining their perfect family- maybe they did just want him to hurt. Suicide, back then, was almost unthinkable. Nowadays, Larry considers it often. -
Rita noticed something was- more off than usual. Larry had always been a melancholic person, but even Cliff had realized Larry not leaving his room for three days wasn’t normal. She eventually took it upon herself to drag him out of whatever slump he had gotten himself into, again- whether he liked it or not.
“Larry?” She called through his doors. Sound didn’t travel well through all that- but she was very good at being heard when she wanted to be. “Larry!”
Larry did not answer. He was bandaged, luckily, as he knew Rita would inevitably come storming in, but he didn’t want her to see the blood seeping through. He had relapsed, again, though he had nobody left to report it to with the Chief gone. That was for the best, he thought. “LARRY!” Rita knocked on the door. “I’m coming in there!”
Larry groaned. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t stopping her. He could easily just say it would be too dangerous, or-
He could hear the decontamination chamber hiss. Fuck. He had to clean himself up fast.
“Can you- wait just a-” Too late. Rita entered, concerned. “Fuck.”
“Ah.’ Rita started, but paused, seeing Larry’s red bandages. “Larry. What were you doing in here?” Larry kicked the pocketknife he dropped under his dresser.
“Nothing.”
“Larry. You’re a terrible liar and I just watched you hide something. What did you do?”
Larry shifted his weight nervously. Everyone else he was positive wouldn’t care too much about this- though, of course, that wasn’t even remotely true- but Rita?
“I.” Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. How is he supposed to tell her he was just cutting up his own arms in an attempt to feel better about himself? To punish himself for being gay? How do you say that casually? “I was.”
“You were?” In truth, Rita already had an idea what he was doing. She just needed him to admit he needed help.
Larry avoided eye contact, though that was invisible to Rita through his goggles. “I was. Dealing with. Things.” He can feel the dams breaking. He really, really does not want to cry to Rita right now.
“Dealing with what?” Come on, Larry.
“Shit.” was all he could get out before he started sobbing. Rita sighed and put her hand on his back, like she always did when he has a hard time. This was not the first time she’s seen him at his lowest, and she knew it wouldn’t be her last. It used to be a mystery to her- she always knew he was hiding something important about himself, but what it was, exactly, she couldn’t guess. Now that he came out, though, she had a whole new perspective on it all.
This explained a lot, actually. She had thrown away the bible Chief had gifted him, because she knew he did not like the church, though she didn’t understand why until now. He had always avoided talking about relationships at all, and would shut down when asked about his past. Larry didn’t know that she knew about the times he would hobble gingerly toward Chief’s lab, blood dripping from his limbs and the burden of being a sinner on his mind. Larry was especially bitter toward the spirit, after those nights. Now Rita knew how he was so sure it won’t let him die.
“It’s okay, Larry.” was all she could think to say. “You’re safe, now.” He couldn’t answer past pulling her into a hug. Rita was pretty sure he was getting blood on her dress- but she didn’t mind. “I’d offer to patch you up, but I think you have enough bandages.”
Larry couldn’t help but laugh slightly at that. “God, Rita. I’m sorry. I hate to involve you in my own shit-”
“Larry. You’re my best friend and I care about you, even if you don’t care about you.”
“I know. I just- I should be over this already. I haven’t been to church in over sixty years- my parents have been dead for seventy- John’s already moved on- I just- goddammit, Rita. I’m lonely.” He pulls away to sit on his bed, head in his hands. “I haven’t touched another man in- god knows how long- and all I can think about is how wanting to is in itself a fucking abomination-”
“No.” Rita interrupted. “I’m not allowing that kind of negativity! It is not an abomination and you know it.” Larry only looked at her. “Now continue.”
“Uh. Okay. I miss- god, it sounds so stupid, but- I really miss-” He struggles to find the words. “Kissing men?”
Rita only nodded.
“I didn’t have the chance to- very often- but- god, Rita. There was this club- near one of my posts at the military. Before I met John. It wasn’t officially anything, but it was already a pretty established gay club. But, you know- it was more of a secret.”
“There was one of those near my apartment, you know.” Larry nodded.
“They were usually old speakeasies. But there was this man there- he was- he was really something, Rita. He was a regular, I think. Really tall.” Larry sighed wistfully. Rita smiled at him. She liked seeing him like that. Happy- or at least as close to happiness as she’d seen him get. “We spent… a lot of time together. Mostly in motel rooms.”
“What was his name?”
“I don’t remember. It was so long ago. I miss him anyway, though. Even if it was just a fling.”
“I understand.” Rita said, simply. “Have you considered- getting out there, again?”
“What, like dating? Cliff suggested it to me, but- I thought he was too enthusiastic about it. I don’t know.” It scared him, to be honest.
“I’m sure there are other gay metahumans.” Rita assured him. “With a tolerance for radiation.”
“It’s not them I’m worried about.”
“What, then?”
“How can someone love me when I can’t?” Larry was emotionless through the bandages, but Rita thought she could hear a frown. “I hate myself so. Fucking. Much, Rita. I can’t kill myself no matter how much I try- but what good is someone who’s only alive because something else is forcing them to be? Who would want that kind of baggage, Rita? Not even the fucking spirit can handle it, and it’s the thing keeping me this way.” His chest glowed.
“The first step is realizing you have a problem.”
“I realize I have a problem, Rita. I realized it when I was seven years old, thinking about some boy in my math class. I realized it every-goddamn-day when my own mother would cry and tell me she wished I’d never been born- that no matter what I did she would always love God more than me.” His voice wavered. “I realized it in church, and in school, and at home- every time the newspapers would come in with more horror stories about gay men found dead- every time a kid got the shit beat out of him by his own parents. It’s nobody’s fault but my own, Rita.” He huffed, and Rita faltered. She had never seen this from him before. “God-fucking-dammit! If I could’ve just been a normal person- for once in my goddamn life- god. Oh my god.” He stopped.
“Larry?”
“I fucking died, didn’t I?” He stood suddenly. “I died in that fucking plane crash and this is hell. I can’t die. I can’t touch anyone. I’m stuck wallowing in my own self-loathing like a fucking-”
“Larry.” Rita said again, firmly.
“And I deserve all of it! I destroyed everyone I ever loved! Just because I’m not attracted to women? Big fucking deal! I should’ve just sucked it up. I’m a fucking coward! I should’ve killed myself when I was twenty like I planned! But no. I was too scared. Fuck this! I-”
“Larry!” Rita half-yelled, stopping Larry mid sentence. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you are not helping yourself. Stop having a pity-party and listen to me.”
Larry didn’t answer. He was breathing shakily. Rita could tell he was likely crying under there again.
“There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing!” She held up her hands. “I’m sorry you were told there was, but they were blatantly wrong. All of them. Liars.” She paused to watch him. He was standing as still as a statue, watching her silently. She hoped that meant he was listening. “I know it’s been ingrained into you. But you need to leave it behind. Stop dragging it with you. It will only hurt more. You’re accepted here, Larry. Nobody would even consider hurting you over something as simple as your sexuality. You don’t need to carry that weight anymore.”
Larry sighed. “I’m sorry, Rita. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“It’s okay, Larry. I can’t imagine what you could be going through- but I offer my support, nonetheless.”
“I.” He paused. “Thank you.” 
FIVE 
When Larry was in the ant farm, he did not fear the torture. He knew he had it coming, anyway. It was God’s Will.
“You transferred a lot, Larry.” Forsythe would say, through the glass. “You were running from something. I intend to find out what.”
“I wasn’t running from anything.” Larry would say, over and over again.
The truth was Larry was running. Every time he thought his secret would be compromised he ran. Every time a fling ended or a boyfriend left or any of his army friends even joked about him being gay- he ran.
Now he faced the consequences for his actions, and he understood.
-
“Larry.” Chief said, bringing him back to attention. “What’s troubling you?”
This was before it all went downhill. Before Larry would come out. Before Mr. Nobody would remind him of every mistake he’d ever made. Before everything.
“Nothing. Just- remembering, is all.” Larry answered, quietly. “Before the accident.”
“Before the accident?” Chief knew it wasn’t really an accident. Larry did not. “Are you ready to talk about it?”
“No.” Larry said, quickly. Chief already knew there was something about him and John. He couldn’t risk him figuring that out. “No. The past is- it’s already happened. It doesn't matter.”
“Oh, but it does, Larry.” Chief answered, in his usual way. “The past may not define us as much as the future, but it still needs to be learned from.” Larry sighed. He had heard this so many times.
“I did learn from it, Chief.” He learned very, very well. “It just sucks.”
“Is this about your friendship with John?” Larry froze. “I know you two were very… close.”
“We weren’t. I don’t want to talk about him.” He shrunk into his coat. Chief raised an eyebrow.
“You never want to talk about him, Larry. It’s not healthy.”
“It doesn’t matter. He’s probably dead, now.”
“Do you miss him?” Chief tilted his head. He knew there had to be a way to get through Larry’s shell. If he was to be a hero, like Niles intended, he had to face this head-on.
Larry took a moment before answering, assessing the risks. Was it too obvious to say yes? “...I do.” He paused. “A. Bit.”
Chief nodded. He was getting closer. “Quite a bit, you would say?”
It was Larry’s turn to nod, adrenaline flaring up hot in his chest. “We were friends. That’s it.”
“I wasn’t implying anything else.” Larry breathed in slightly. Chief could tell he was getting anxious. “Though- we both know- you two were… a bit more than friends, yes?”
“No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Larry glanced around, starting to panic. “Whoever told you that, Chief- I- it’s not true. I didn’t even like him!” That was a bold lie. “I mean- if anybody was cheating- I mean- Sheryl and I were strained by the end of it-” He’s grasping for straws.
“Larry. We both know Sheryl was-” Chief was interrupted by a flash of light and Larry’s head slamming on the table. The spirit stood through the table, eyeing Chief down. He couldn’t tell how it was feeling- but judging from how agitated Larry had been beforehand, he didn’t think it was happy with him. No matter.
“There you are.” He started, but the spirit shook its head. “No? You don’t want to talk to me?” It shook its head again and held up a hand. “Oh. Who taught you the middle finger?” It tilted its head. Chief could feel it glaring daggers at him. “I’m sorry I hurt you. It’s important that Captain Trainor learn to-” The spirit had enough of that. It flew in a small circle around Chief, shorting out the lone light in the room. A threat. It knew Chief knew what it was capable of.
Larry awoke suddenly to Chief watching him. He must’ve needed the spirit for something- he doesn’t really know about John. He sighed, instinctively rubbing his goggles.
“That was… unintentional. I apologize, Larry.” Larry looked at him. What the fuck was he after? “Now- John-”
“No. Fuck, Niles. I’m not doing this.” Larry stood. “I’m not reliving my mistakes for you. I’m going to take a nap.”
“Larry. We both know it wasn’t a mistake.” Chief held out his hands. “You cheated on your wife. You hid. Why?”
“I did not cheat on Sheryl. I did not hide. Niles. I don’t know what you want from me, but I’m not going to-” He paused. “I’m not going to do this. I cared about her.” That, at least, was not a lie. “I loved her.” That was. “It’s over, now. I’m paying for what I did- who I was. Just- let that be.”
“Who were you, though?”
“I was a sinner, Chief.” Larry left. 
SIX x3 
“Sheryl.” Larry had said, so long ago. She looked over, glowing in the moon, her hair slightly in her face. He felt no attraction whatsoever for her. He tried to force himself to, anyway. It was sinful. He had to do this.
“I have something to tell you.”
“Yeah?” She smiled. She was his friend. He chose her only because she was the only girl he felt he could at least live with.
God. He felt sick. He knew this would hurt her, too. He didn’t want this.
“I love you.” Lying is a sin, too. A lesser of two evils, he had decided. Anything to avoid burning in hell. Anything. Just like his parents had told him. Just like the ministers said.
“Larry!” She had laughed. He felt like throwing up.
Outwardly, Larry had been untouched. Untainted by tragedy and self-hatred. Inwardly, he had become a flaming wreck long before that crash.
-
“Vic.” Larry stood in the doorway, nervously. “Hey.”
“Hey, Larry.” Vic turned to give him a wave. “What’s up?”
“Well. I. Uh.” Larry paused. This was terrifying. “You know- computers and stuff, right?”
“Uh- yeah! What do you need?” Vic looks at him for a moment. He really didn’t mind helping everyone with modern technology! He just never really realized how old everyone was until he was explaining to Larry how color TVs worked- or that cocaine was not a viable medicine anymore to Rita.
“I. Want to meet people.” He held up his phone. “I don’t. Know how.”
“Oh. Where did you get that phone?”
“Rita said I could borrow it.”
“...Okay. What do you want me to do?” Vic hasn’t dated since he was in high school. What was Larry expecting from him?
“Cliff said there are apps for it. For men. Meeting. Other. Men.” Larry is gritting his teeth. “You know computers. I want to. Download one.”
“Oh. Oh! I can help you with that. To an extent.” Vic clarified. “I’ll only help you set up and show you how to use it- the chatting is up to you.”
“Okay.” Larry handed him the phone.
“What are you after? There’s apps for metahumans, and gay people- I’m pretty sure there’s one for veterans-”
“Well. I guess I’d need. The metahuman one. Since they’d need. Some kind of.” He held up his hands. “Immunity.”
“Right.” Vic did not like that implication. “Does Rita know you want to hook up with guys through her phone?”
“Yes. She helped me prepare for this conversation.” Larry shuffled his feet nervously. “It. Did not work. Still awkward.”
“You two are close. Okay- so I downloaded an app called Metameet- it’s mainly for metahumans but there’s an option for gay members. You’re- what, 95? So I already set your username as larrytrainor. That’s usually what- people around your age do.”
“I’m 92. Though the accident was when I was 30-something.”
“Okay. I’ll put that as your age. And. Probably mention that you’re immortal.”
“No. Wait.” Larry put his hand on Vic’s shoulder. “Don’t put that I’m gay. Please.”
“Larry, it’ll say you’re a man seeking a man either way.”
“I know. I just- I can’t be gay. I can’t.” He nearly gagged on the word both times. Vic only looked at him.
“...Okay.” He hit the backspace button. “What’s your problem with it?”
Larry froze. Over the past month he’s had to explain this- five times? “Uh. I.” Fuck. Fuck! He doesn’t deserve this. “It’s just not allowed. I’m not- I’m not supposed to be- into men.”
“You know that’s not true, right?” Vic gave him a confused look. “You… are allowed to be gay, Larry.”
“It’s not like that. I-” He breathed in. “I guess you’re a little too young to really get it.”
“Try me.”
“In the 30s and 40s when I was a kid- it wasn’t- legal. To like. Others. Of the same sex.”
“Yeah?”
“Everyone was really religious, too. So. As hard as I tried to hide it- my parents eventually figured it out. I was 11. After that it just-” He paused. Vic nodded.
“Oh. We learned about that in history in high school.”
“Yeah. It was pretty common for parents to try and beat it out of us.” He paused. “Didn’t work.”
“I’m sorry about that.” Vic started-
“It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, now.”
“Okay.” A pause. “I’m going to put ‘radiation immunity’ as a must.”
“That’s a good idea.” Another pause.
“Can I ask…?”
“Ask what?”
“How did you meet him?”
Larry went silent for a minute, and Vic was scared he made him sad again, somehow.
“We were in the same squadron.” He started slowly, remembering. “He wasn’t my first, honestly- but he was the- he was the one I really loved. I- honestly? If it wasn’t- literally illegal- and I was already married- I probably would have-” He stopped. He never said that out loud.
“That’s. That’s rough, Larry.” He stopped to think. “You can do that now, you know.”
“Yeah. I think- I think that’s why I’m doing this.” A pause.
“I think I’m ready to live the way I always wanted to.”
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popopretty · 5 years
Text
Piko’s Spring Tour “Pathfinder” report
There are just so many things I want to write down for this live but I realized I would not be able to put everything into one post and I have also forgot some parts of it so please bear with my scattered memories.
I went to almost all the lives in this tour except for the one in Sendai. So it includes Nagoya, Osaka, Yokohama, Fukuoka and Tokyo. It is an amazing feeling following an artist on tour, like waking up in a different city everyday, meeting the fans you don’t usually meet but still being able to say “See you tmr”. For two weeks I was filled with Piko feels and I couldn’t really remember doing anything else.
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KEEP READING - There is A LOT more under the cut lol
For most of the venues, there were like 150-200 people each. The final was in a bigger venue so there were more than that. There are girls, guys, couples, families, Japanese, foreigners, all kinds of people you can think of. And everyone is super nice and friendly. I still feel super awkward with my Japanese but people’s warmness there just calmed me a lot.
For the tour goods, there are T-shirts, mirrors, towels, mobile charger, tote bag and stuff from previous lives. If you buy one album, you will get a ticket to high touch with Piko at the end of the live. Plus there are chekis and if u are lucky enough you can get one with Piko’s sign.
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My favorite thing from the goods this time must be the totebag. Its cheap and convenient since you can use it both as a handbag and a shoulder bag. The mobile battery is a new thing, which is a bit expensive imo but it works pretty well and has a super cute design so everything is forgiven xD I also bought 2 more CDs to get a high touch with him. I will write about it in more details at the later part.
Piko wears a different outfit every live. For the one in Nagoya, he wears the black outfit as in Black Swan cover, then in Osaka it was the white one as in Realizing. He is back to the black one in Yokohama and in Fukuoka is another white shirt with black gilet. He went with the Black Swan outfit for MOST of the final live lol. If you read my last posts, you have already known what else he was wearing xD
As for the setlist. The setlist is the same for all the small lives. Only the final is different so I’m gonna list out all the songs that he has sung in all the lives, not in the exact order.
- Realizing - This is the opening song for all lives.
- Loki - He sang this in all the small lives but not in the final.
- Ghost Rule
- HERO
- Tengaku - He sang this in the final only
- Re:Act
- Rolling Merry Go Round - this is also in the final only. I was so surprised when he sang it ;; this is also my first time listening to the song live ;;
- Dappo Rock
- Kachoufuei - This is one of my favourite songs in the new album
- Sakurane - This is also final exclusive! In one part he messed up the lyrics and he was super embarrassed so he laughed and asked the audiences to sing for him lol
- Black Swan - the most beautiful song live from the new album. Tbh I didn’t like the recording that much cuz the instruments are a bit too loud for me. But in the live it sounds much better and Piko’s voice just resonates around the live house and it is absolutely beautiful.
- Kokoronashi Acoustic - This is in the final only. He sang this song many times before but this time is totally different. He sang the first verse with no instruments at all and the acoustic guitar sound only came in in the second verse.
- Kasa - He sang it with a backup vocal of himself since it is a self-duet and many parts are overlapped. He sang the guy’s part with female backup in the first verse and then switched to the girl’s part with male backup for the second verse. In some lives, the fans even sang along with the backup parts which was really cute xDDD
After this part there is usually a small MC parts where Piko can talk and take a short rest before entering a non-stop session of about 4-5 rockish songs xD
- Murabito A - I love the song and the message in it. Whenever he gets to the “kamisama” I really just reached my hands towards him as if he is my God lol
- Futaiten Path Finder
- Lost One no Goukoku - I cant believe Piko covered it just recently! He sounds absolutely amazing in it. He didnt try to sing the original key (though I think he totally can). He chose a lower tone which showed off his beautiful, manly middle range and I love it so much. In the entry part of the song, he asked everyone to raise hand and shout out at the end of each drum session. He also asked the girls and the guys to do it separately. Even though there were only a few guys, they were really energetic, even when Piko asked them to say Yeah but in a girly cutesy voice. (They did it anyway lol!)
- Haikei Doppelganger - Of course this cannot be missed! This is like the most heated song in the live. Everyone was just headbanging like crazy. He just sounds absolutely powerful and precise for such a hard song that I lost my mind every time I heard it.
- Make Our Days - this is like a sequel to Make My Days. He mentioned that this is a song where he wants everyone to become one by doing the same moves. It is pretty similar to Make My Days and I dont know how to explain it in writing lol. So lets wait until some videos of it actually come out xDD He also asked all the band members to do that with different style every time and it was so funny (I will write more about it but probably in a separate post)
- Piscium - Last song before the encore. He spoke about the meaning of it, about how he started his career as a net artist, how it was in the beginning where they didnt really know what to do but try different things and see how it works. And it has been a long way with both joys and sadness and now he realizes that its not him walking alone, and that everything he does has the people who support him being a part of it. Thats why its not about him anymore but about all of us. Thats why Make My Day becomes Make Our Days, and Piscium lyrics also say “You made me. I made you”.
It was a beautiful moment…
Before the funny part kicked in xDDD
If you follow Piko, you might have already known that he has a corner called Pikone jinsei soudan in his namahousou, in which he puts on an okama personality and gives people advices on their problems xDD The live this time also has a session like that.
- Tokyo Shinobizaki
The first song of the encore is Tokyo Shinobizaki, which is an ending he sang for a short anime recently. It is a slow, jazzy and mature song, the type you may find in some old bars I guess. In the small lives, Piko would wear his live tour T-shirt, walk out and sing it with a stand mic. And he kept swaying and sliding his hands up and down the stand mic xD He has such lovely hands that my eyes kept fixating on them through out the song @@ In the final, when the music started playing, everyone was waiting for Piko to come out as usual, but it was just a band playing a super long intro. The live house for the final has a smaller stage on the right side that looks like a small balcony. And when the intro finally ended, Piko walked out from there, wearing a long red dress (the same one he wore in luz’s event not too long ago). He looked so pretty in that dress that everyone could have mistaken him as a girl without knowing him before >w<.
After he sang Tokyo shinobizaki, the jinsei soudan session started. Every live he would pick 2 letters from the fans and read it out loud (in okama voice) and then gave advices to them. All the band members also helped him out (and they also spoke in funny voices lol). There are many interesting questions but I think I will write about them in a separate post. I will just mention a few moments here. In the Osaka live, one fan was asking about how to deal with a rebellious son. And Piko was like “hmm I dont know. Should I ask my own parents??” and then he looked to the back of the stage, raised his hand and shouted out “Mama~~”. Turned out his mom was also there and all the lights of the stage started pointing to her xDD she then said that she actually didnt have to deal with Piko’s rebellious phase cuz he was a super good kid and didnt have that phase at all xDD In the final, Piko randomly picked a guy from the audience and asked him if he has any questions. The guy didnt have any, but he said that he brought his daughter to the live to see Piko. And Piko, still wearing that dress, rephrases his words like “Oh, so papa likes me, and papa wants his daughter to like me too so he brought her here?” He then asked to see the daughter. We all expected like a little grown up girl but turned out she was a super tiny cute little girl xDDD and Piko was like “ok lets get married” lol
- Yoshiwara Lament: Normally Pikone only sang Tokyo Shinobizaki but in the final she sang this one too xDD
After the Pikone part, Piko got into the backstage and changed again.
When he was inside the big screen started playing and they played a part of Black Swan MV which is coming soon.
And they also announced on the screen a two-man live with Pokota on November 4th this year!
2nd encore:
- Thanatos
- Hypnos: As some of you might know, Thanatos is the god of death in Greek mythology. Hypnos is his twin brother. Hypnos is a god of sleep. Piko said that the tour is like a dream. And when this tour end, everyone will wake up from their dream, go back to their everyday life. Thanatos is his first CD ever released, but Hypnos is the future. He will keep moving forward and come back, being a stronger and newer Piko. He asked for a title call and wrapped up the live with that song.
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After the live came the high touch. I did it 3 times. One time was in the first live in Nagoya. I didnt buy the CDs but one friend of mine was kind enough go give me one of her tickets. The high touch is super short. You touch hand with him and say one sentence or two and thats it. I kept thinking what to say in Nagoya and ended up telling him “I LOVE YOU” in English lol. Second time was in Fukuoka. I did’t plan to buy a CD that day but that was 3rd day of the 3-day-in-a-row lives that Piko performed in (Tour in Yokohama, Chan-gero Sonic, tour in Fukuoka). He sounded a little bit tired at the beginning in Fukuoka but he tried his best and still sounded wonderful till the end of the live. So I bought a CD to high touch and tell him how well he has done. I also asked him not to try too hard. And all the time he just gently smiled back and said Thank you. The fragrance left from his hands still linger on mine even after I left ;;
Another interesting event did happen to me and my friends in the final. After the live I went for dinner with a few Pikoots and on our way to the station, we were supposed to pass by the livehouse again. A taxi was running from behind us so we decided to stop and walked to the side to let it pass. Then that taxi stopped in front of the livehouse and turned out it was Piko’s taxi. So we saw him getting in the taxi so we waved at him and said good job. Of course we all freaked out after that, like not believing what just happened. It was a miracle, really xD
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So that’s the end of my tour dream. I tried to keep this report short but you can see how long it has become. I feel like its still not half enough to write down everything I want to write but I hope it helps you understand how wonderful a live it was. There were a lot of cameramen during the final so I am secretly hoping there will be a DVD!
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dailrpwmf-blog · 5 years
Text
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Tip cheap car insurance for new drivers over 30
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Can an insurance company make me pay taxes on a loan i took out against my life insurance policy?
Can an insurance company make me pay taxes on a loan i took out against my life insurance policy?
I took out a loan on a life insurance policy. the premiums i paid had twice exceeded the amount my beneficiaries would recieve if i died. I was told that if i didn t repay the loan the only penalty would be that amount would be deducted from the pay out if i should die.I did not repay the loan and decided i did not want to keep paying on the policy because i had much better insurance. the insurance company added the cost of the loan plus a lot of interest and unbeknowst to me reported (to IRS)an amount almost 3 times larger than the loan as my additional income. Can they do this?
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barbwiredheartx · 5 years
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So i had my appointment today with the nurse who conducted the trauma- and dissociative disorder diagnostic test. Week ago i requested bea or skye or someone with the capacity to handle the bad news to front, but the two are missing in action, instead two days ago i got bri. I got a nervous stomach walking toward the hospital and asked my love to help, he sifted in and my stomach settled. Bri's got a clear head on her shoulders, easy to think smart things etc. She was conversing with b at home in the morning about drawing out how we perceive our body, our consciousness, our awareness and how that interacts and combines with the world, simple visual presentation of biology and the interactive mind and the world, we think, but who knows.
Once we got to the nurse however bri was soupy with a masculine presence cuz thats our norm - our boys handle things that require emotional detachment (we did get shaky however), i also think its impossible for us to meet professional people without a mask on, it's difficult enough to meet regular people, just like the conditioned mask of a perfect flawless witness child representating an Elders family, at least on the surface interactions. Smile, deny yourself, be kind and polite.
I was reminded about me telling them about a, to quote my friend "classic co-consciousness example" and yet, this nurse had no idea what i was talking about. If to wake up as another person, feeling them, their sex, their body shape and their emotions perfectly overlapping with your sense of the physical body and you walk differently, sit on the damn toilet differently and question wtf is this, is me somehow consciously creating an identity then i dont fucking know.
Or waking up in 2014 as a woman, confused, aware of the time passed as we have a frontal memory that everyone at the front has access to, and feeling like i woke up from a fucking coma? Is me consciously creating alters, then i dont fucking know. Or going to the store, paying my groceries, coming home and the next day i have no idea why i have ten euro bill still in my wallet and remembering i walked home without the cat litter bag, yet walking to the kitchen and looking at a cat litter bag having no idea why or how i have it there bc i sure didnt buy it. And i still have no idea where the dish brush came from the other christmas. I threw them all into the trash, went to the store bought a regular dish brush to replace the old ones with the last coins i had. And two days later, theres two dish brushes hanging off the dish rack, one regular and one with a brush head you can switch. If this isnt amnesia between switches, i dont know what it is.
If having main control of the body without partial control of the body (leg moving without my control over it, the body turning around without my control of it, arms moving without my explicit control of it) isn't telling of something being strange and out of the ordinary here, i really dont know what it is. Maybe i am possessed by demons like the pastor wanted to convince me. What other explanation is there?
Is it because i dont know most of my visitors? That i dont know enough detail about my visitors? That we are most of the time blurry about who we are? Including our non-human alters. Does our abuse in our childhood and our lack of most trauma memories somehow invalidate our alternative identity states as fiction? Not all of my visitors are "new" heck, i am myself not who we were before 2006-2010. But when Joshua's subsystem members come close to front, i recognize who they split off of, same with the Jo's. Is it the lack of names? Is me wanting to name my parts for the sake of communication somehow invalidating of who we are as a person?
I'm full of ghosts. Come from a strict religion and badly dysfunctional family that was hellbent on changing who i was into something more acceptable and proper.
I really cant tell you how much amnesia there is in our daily life because i exist and live alone with myself, there is no one i see regularly enough who could talk to me about something we did or talked about so i could go and notice oh fuck, i have no idea what youre talking about. I cant tell you what personal information ive forgotten because if i have forgotten it, i dont fucking remember it?? Other than trauma indicators without memories of anything happening that could explain my reactions in certain areas of life. Plus, like i said, i live alone, so what i experience adversely, is rather quite fucking limited. Its rather fucking simple and logical why i cant answer some of the questions.
I went through trauma that caused first extreme relief of "oh ive found my soulmate, hes safe, i can be fully myself as a woman" into extreme and visceral rejection of her. So first i lost my male alter and right after, jojo went hiding. Then fast forward six years im put on a medication that wipes my entire remaining sense of self clean and causes other side affects that affect me badly. And you wanna tell me, me having a disordered panic attack to a stranger verbally abusing one our younger kids somehow caused me to intentionally create identities instead of it bringing out a sect of a system so we can stabilize ourself? Cuz we can only rely on ourself to do that. There is no help any fucking else where.
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romantic-witch · 6 years
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Talk Fast // Noah
imagine: noah and you meet online
Tumblr media
inspired: san junipero (black mirror) - ready player one - talk fast (5 seconds of summer)
where: you meet noah throughout an online virtual game called CosmoML.
warning: english is not my first language. please warn me if there are any grammar mistakes.
~
It's the year 2041 and people are escaping the world's fascist realism by the new virtual reality game CosmoML. It's not only a game to me though. Some teenagers are adapting their school life into it by studying with students all over the globe. At least that's what I said to my parents. I always switch the game's timezone and go back to the '80s. My friends thought it was lame but at least I got to meet some 80 year olds who are really cool. The game allowed to change your age so 80 year olds could turn their faces into their younger selves. Which was really cool too but it lowers the chances of me, meeting people that are my age.
I knocked on my apartment's door and my little brother opened it for me. I rushed to my room. Since my parents were not home I could use this time meeting a grandma who slept with Madonna or something. I put on the VR glasses and switched it to 1980's Malibu.
It was almost night and the night club's shining neon lights were on already.
Fast Night Club and Dance Zone
Interesting name of choice, I thought. I get in and went straight to the Atari section. There were still some kids who were playing. I said kids but they were probably five decades older than me. The game's graphic designer did a really good job on that.
There were five people in the dance floor but after I spent twenty minutes on the Atari section plenty of people came, since it was the time for the DJ.
I went up there and started to dance to Footloose by Kenny Loggins. The movie came out just this summer and people were obsessed with it.
'Ugh, the chorus!' I thought. I was dancing like nobody's watching.
Then 99 Lutfballoons by Nena started playing.
I joined a bunch of grandma's dancing and swing it from there. But I felt a pair of eyes on me. I didn't mind for the rest of the song but after the song ended and the DJ started to play True by Spandau Ballet, the pair of brown eyes started coming towards me.
At that point, all I was thinking were two things. First of all; why was the DJ playing a song from last year? And secondly; this grandpa was something back in the day.
"Hi." he said.
"Hi." I replied.
"Can I have this dance, madame?"
'What a gentleman.' I thought. Boys now are so trash.
"Sure." I said blushing.
(imagine the gif right here)
While we were dancing the brown eyes couldn't stop smiling. He had little freckles around his face and his curly brown hair was added up to his gorgeousness.
'Stop having a crush to someone's grandpa, Minerva!'
But his smile was ugh! It started getting annoying throughout the song, how handsome he is.
He asked through the middle of the song: "What's your name?"
"Minerva."
"Wow, that sounds like a new name."
"Because it is. I'm only seventeen."
It's important to stay true to yourself and others.
"You are seventeen?"
I shake my head as a yes.
"I'm eighteen." he said.
He looked happy. His smile changed from a calm one to an excited one very quickly.
"Do you think we are the only real teenagers here?" I asked.
"I thought I was the only one, that's why I called you madame in the first place."
"And I thought you were such a gentleman."
After a quick laugh DJ changed the music to Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr. and then something else, and then an another song.
All I cared about that night was to dance with this claimed-eighteen year old who made me laugh and fly butterflies on my stomach.
Beautiful, dark-haired, boy which I still didn't knew what his name was.
Time flew when I was dancing with him. He bought drinks for me and I bought drinks for him.
We danced all night long, up until my third drink. After that everything went blank and I opened my eyes to my angry mom and dad.
"Minerva!" said mom.
"Did you study all night, again?" said dad.
"Yeah, sorry about that." I lied.
What was the time?
"Honestly, if you weren't studying I would ban this thing ages ago!"
"Have you eaten anything?"
I shake my head as a no.
"We are going to bed, if you're hungry there are leftover dumplings in the fridge okay honey?" said dad and closed the door behind him.
I check my phone to see the time and OH MY GOD IT IS ALMOST MIDNIGHT AND I HAVE WORK DUE TOMORROW.
I didn't like lying to my parents but I also didn't spent all my time on CosmoML. I usually spent an hour or two and that was it. I almost spent seven hours tonight.
It was definitely not a thing I do but I didn't regret anything. My only regret was not to say goodbye to that boy. At least I could have thanked him for the dance and the drinks.
~
I didn't went to CosmoML for almost a week. Since that fiasco my whole schedule went nuts and I almost couldn't finish any of my school work only because I spent seven hours. Though it was a harsh week, on Friday night I decided to login again, to the same place and hope the boy was logged in there as well.
This time, I opened my eyes at the beach. While my pink crop top and acid-washed high waisted black jeans were something else, my grey, sparkly boots looked out of this planet.
I asked a few people to locate the night club but eventually found it myself by the bright green neon lights.
Fast Night Club and Dance Zone.
Here we go again.
Since I logged in a little late tonight there were a lot of people having fun and dancing to Like a Virgin by Madonna already.
I looked around and finally saw my guy at the bar.
I tapped on his shoulder.
He took a sip from his whiskey and then turned around.
"Hi!" I said.
He looked like he was glad I came.
"Oh god, I thought I'd never see you again!"
"Yeah, sorry about that, my parents..."
"Say no more." He said while he gently put his index finger on my mouth.
After a few seconds of staring at each other's eyes he said; " I'm Noah by the way."
"I don't think we introduced ourselves that well." he added.
"Hi Noah, I'm Minerva. Pleasure to meet you."
"The pleasure is mine madame."
He kissed the top of my hand and then turned to the bartender and said; "Can we get your strongest shots?"
The bartender filled the little cups with a drink called Snowshoe.
We literally drank all of them in less than five seconds and he quickly turned to me and said: "I feel like, I can run a marathon right now."
"Then let's go!"
He grabbed my hand and we quickly went out of the night club and just started running in Malibu Beach.
He saw me struggling because of my space boots so he grabbed me from my belly and started spinning me around.
At that moment I feel like I was gonna throw up but I didn't care.
He finally let me put my feet on the ground.
We stared at each other's eyes again for maybe like a minute or two.
'Ugh those eyes looked like Hershey' s chocolate bars. Smooth, creamy, delectable and melting.' I thought.
I wondered what he was thinking about me.
Our heads slowly came really close and I felt his soft lips on mine. I could kill for those lips.
We slowly went on our knees and somehow I was sitting on his lap, making out with him, online. Someone I know nothing but everything about.
The sand felt like bedsheets and we didnt care for the skinny dippers and surfers around us. That moment was ours, and even if it was not real, I wouldn't change it to a real but bad one. The online was enough for me.
The End.
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abbrielle-caudill · 4 years
Text
I’m going to put something down that I wrote to my husband. I never gave him to read just needed to vent.This was two week right before my husband asked for divorce and wrecked my life. I only shown this to two people but I’m ready to share what my real feelings are. This may help others that may went through the same situations as me. Just know you’re not alone in this world. Hurt and Tired: Why do I keep letting him hurt me over and over. Is it love, is it blind faith, or is it being plum stupid. Maybe it is all of thee above.
I'm tired of him ignoring me all the time like he don't give a shit at all. He expects me to listen to him. Always be interested in his opinions. Lord forgive if I want him to listen to any of my opinions.
I cant stand his constant need to lie to me about everything all the time. I mean it can be the most smallest things. But yet he will lie about it. Like what is the damn point? I'm sick of lies like grow some balls. Be a man and learn to start telling the truth.
I don't understand his constant need to be right all the time. He will argue about everything big or small know damn good and well he's wrong. Like when I try to talk to him like a adult he will argue and act like its all my fault just mentally abuse me even when I know in my heart I'm right.
I'm tired of not being taking seriously. What I say and do matters just as much as him. But seems like in his head it don't. He says it dose. Actions speak way louder then words
I'm tired of only being treated like his maid instead of being treated like his wife. Last time I check marriage was supposed to be a team effort not a dictatorship.
I'm tired of him taking his anger out on me when he's upset with other I have feelings to and guess what it hurts me when u say mean thing to me.
I use to be able to talk to you about how I feel. Lately though seems like you don't care you just say ok , walk away. Say here we go again, or back at ignoring me.
It hurts and annoys me when you ask me to make ur lunch or clean this or that. Problem is you demand it. Not once when I was working did u make nor pack me lunch, or I come home after asking for something to be clean and found out you played games or slept all day.
It absolutely kills me when you say you have nothing to show for in your life. Shows me that aperently I was never good enough for you. I've bought you so many things, done so much over the years we been married for you. Seems like you forgotten who did all that for you. Know how many times I wanted to get things for me how I wanted to buy things I enjoy but didn't because you always wanted games, electrics, or whatever else. I thought about you before myself.
Now here I am I lost my job right after losing Tyler, my aunt, and my uncle, and it had me go in the darker place then I ever been. I almost killed my self several times, but I couldn't go through it because I felt like I needed to suffer with the pain instead taking the easy way out. You never noticed.
Physically I'm in alot of pain that no one knows about everyone just know what I tell them because I don't want everyone to worry. Mentally I'm a mess im dealing with a depression that is so over bareing that everytime im alone all I can do is cry and think why was I even born. Then I got my anxiety that makes me constantly worry about everything when all I want to do is forget this world but my mind don't let me. You think its something that can be cured and shut off like a switch. Thats not how it works!!
It bothers me that you constantly ask me if I've found a job. I worked my ass off when you wouldn't even try to look for a job. I made sure all bills where paid food on the table you had what you need even when I didnt. When I say mentally, and physically I can't work right now because I'm on the edge of a full mental breakdown that there will be no coming back from instead of treating like I don't matter how about showing some compassion, love me through the pain stop doing all the toxic shit you do. Stop acting like a child and act like a man my husband that loves me for every flaw I carry with me. Im not saying I'm right all the time or that I'm perfect because I'm far from it. Just know you will never find another woman that will love you as much as I do. I stay because I love you more then you will ever know so I deserve the same. You may not like what I have to say and you may read this and think I'm crazy but I don't care because I know I'm right. If you don't stop doing these things you are going to push a woman away that was there for through everything and stood up for to other people I love and had your back through everything even when I knew you where in the wrong. I want be leaving just you ill be leaving a whole family I became to love and came close with. But I deserve to be treated better.
I'm tired of all the constant fighting, yelling, and arguing. I want the man I married the man that use to hold me when I was upset. The man that would randomly kiss or hug me because he loved me, the man that would just look at me and just randomly tell me that he loves me just because, the man that would just tell me stories or jokes when I had a bad day just to make me smile, the man that would show me off like he was proud of his wife, the man that would sneak behind me while I wash dishes or cook and hold me because he loved me. The man that would stand up for me if anyone tried to say something mean to me. The man that would try everything to keep me happy, the man that admired my opinions, a man that loved me for me no matter what. What happen to that man I married because he's gone and I miss him so much.
I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted in your life. But damnit I tried to do everything in my being to make you stay in love with me. The crazy thing is I would do it all over again. Why maybe bc I'm stupid, blind faith. Or because I will always love you. I was raised that you will sacrifice everything for the ones you love. I took that to heart. I want us to work out. But I was also raised to know my self worth and I lost that along time ago and im determined to find that. With or without you. I rather have my cake and eat it to.
I know I just wrote this just for my eyes and you will never read this, but this is how I feel. I just needed to vent my feelings before I said something I would of regretted. 💔🖤
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I woke up again and there was someone pulling at by me like tug of war. Over my body. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom away from the situation. But I was In So much pain.
The pulling helped but ... Like there's no solution.
Snoop helped me many years ago about 6 or 7 to get on the right medication to stabilize my heart and to get me all better and healthier with the help of pills.
He is the only one that did. I wrote about him but used his personal name "Calvin"
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Because he was my personal friend. My personal guidance counselor.
He was with me every minute of the day "you need to take a pill about right now I see that pain about to be kicking up"
"You think you can get a different medication not like weed but a pill because this one ain't working"
He was truly my doctor. So i respected him and his privacy and just called him Calvin.
So marrying on his date of choice... "But why snoop?"
I'll give you two reasons. One he was my doctor that got me to the actual local doctor that could prescribe.
Two the whole fold out was over the world wide drug addictions y'all have. Y'all all know you're doing less recreational drugs during rehab with your family and friends in your house -- i mean Quarentine. Wow that secret came out quick out my mouth.
79% less "street" drug use worldwide.
To celebrate 4.20.2020 is an appropriate date..
The 20.20.20.20 goes on and in indefinite.
Y'all know Snoop smoke for a reason and he drink and he take Tums. Like no mother effer know.
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Here's our momma helping yall find it. Follow her face she point right down to it.
Same ole game. The Distraction Method.
They went to have sex and her I am all now look and focus on these here Tums. I ain't even wanting to share the post but it's a good PSA for all. So i will.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B92p2Z2H9WW/?igshid=1xwks2o8nb2p5
instagram
Best Friens. We always got each other's back.
And we got yours. We got safer and healthier and funner FDA approved street drugs.
We will honor old time commitment of old fashioned door to door street sales. Face to face.
Of the Human entitlement. That is something our bodies can and will do without provoking dangerous pain... Just stiffness at times y'all forget to stretch and use them muscles but getting up and walking next door for door to door sales will stretch them body parts right up correct.
I had to get on a "new" prescription today. Hopefully my doctor honors it. I asked for an emergency prescription and I'll talk to her about my other, toppamax in a few weeks.
But Snoops was the one that said I needed something for Fibromyalgia. And encouraged and helped and watched me to ensure I was okay.
He is the one that prayed and worried when the muscle relaxers were too strong and i couldn't swallow. And i could died. Because of Flexeril. Because I been on it too long and it was approved for two weeks max. So i got on a completely different medication for it. And it worked for every day long term yearly use.
So he believes in the world's herbs and medicine. Chamomile. Ginger. Rose Hips. Echinacea.
So four twenty will go on.
I always and he did felt like 420 honors the Earth and its medicine. Not just getting high. But the spirit of Mother Nature.
So marrying on 420 symbolizes that Mother Nature will Continue on. Humans are marrying not just their soulmates and/or Just accepting them as they are.
They are committing themselves to our Planet and it's health and wealth
Hence y'all Quarentine.
Y'all going inside and fighting back this illegal alien caused diseases. Although we committed to changing it and wanting it to spread. Y'all fight the sole reason of its existence. Illegal aliens trying to take control by damaging our precious and beloved planet that we belong to.
Not everyone is getting married. Only y'all on Ships and those in Compton on a specialized piece of magic made equipment approved by Mother Nature.
The ships y'all are on run by paddles 110% guaranteed not to harm sea or wild life. I have committed to Mother Nature and all she loves when building those ships. And to yours and our safety and sanity aboard.
These ships cause no pollution and are sanitized by lights that recharge by laying on ships docks when they run out of energy.
Jesse Number 2 helped me design a way to capture UV rays that are harmless. Not radio active. And perfect to sanitize. What makes laundry clean and crisp in the sun. What we used to long ago to sanitize and clean all our instruments BEFORE aliens came with microwaves. Light form the Sun. So Jesse Number 2. I'll tell you right now. He is Einstein.
So his getting in trouble and kicked outta school. It ain't gonna end. In fact i used that theory he was a bad boy. I left it in him. I didnt correct him. I let that evil sniffer inside him. Because I knew one day that mischief could be used to my benefits. He is so loving and his desire to reach others to teach and be a Nigger is so strong he can't handle it. And his hate for aliens. So deep he had to experiment a way to dispose of them all without the use of magic so it's automatic done.
His wish is granted. Einstein I thank you for Your mischief. Your complete soul level on your own not including your soulmate or any others you drag along with you (kids like me) is -141812711219102.
For your development in Science.
Social level is about 3.
My science level is a little less than yours. Setting about 12 shelves down.
Snoop Science level is -4120191218451687431.
But he's inactive. Thus he is a fortune of information. And has a Science Tree named after him -- which means it captures his personality -- his spirit. And he hides behind the Tree of Einstein adding in deluxe phrases and at times mischief.
The difference is that Snoop knows the words to express what Einstein does. While Einstein only has the heart. So things go wrong at times when it has a delicate balance such as plutonium bombs.
Unfortunately they were stolen from Einstein.
So in the science Scale Eisenstein is lower because of his inability to speak and only feel.
He is autistic mute. Which is why he got kicked out of school. Be aware of the different children you have in the world and how gifted they are. Learning the story of Beethoven will change your entire world and understanding of disabilities.
Einstein cannot perform if must speak.
Snoop doesn't wanna get his hands dirty but he can explain a performance
So the rest of the time with Einstein will be posted and you'll see the truth behind the bombings that closed the NHRA.
I didn't want my babies working. I didn't want them having the stress of competition with each other. I just wanted them to stop for a little while and clear their heads of all that traffic going to their minds.
And let them do what they needed most. War. To finish this fight against human trafficking.
Its not over. Quarantine is for your safety So no one is stolen or bought. We can keep track of you easier.
This is why we meme The Corona.
Because there's a serious SERIOUS real reason we are stopping people from being in the streets.
No one can drug and kidnap you If every one is hyper aware of getting sick
A BIG TIME KIDNAPPER NATHANIEL RELEASED THE KILLER VIRUS INTO CHINA. 175709 EXPERT E. WAS THE DISEASE NAME. THE SOLE. THE #1 ISSUE IS THE CONCRETE FOUNDATION OF EVERYTHING HAPPENING.
This is why we chose not to eradicate the virus. We could yall know. That's why it's in meme.
Jazmine didn't know she followed her heart and voted to change. Her vote was the deciding vote. It was split down the middle. From her spine her backbone for her soul she shouts "Thank y'all for listening to your hearts, too!!!" My kids were scared. Sometimes panic stricken. But they kept going because they knew in their hearts it had to be done. Jazmine says "i didn't know how strong I could be. We've never poisoned so many people!!! But mom and North Korea made it fun and saw how necessary it was. Thank you Kim Young Jon!"
"Kim Young Jon really lighted our hearts to allow us to continue our mission by making jokes about constipation and such So we really just tried to give it to those folks that are evil with constipation!! And it worked! And we feel much better because we had help from the leader of North Korea, Kim Young John" adds Chastity. The quiet one no one knows about. Because she's Chaste. Celibate. Celebration. The girl behind the power of Purity and Joy. "No one knows but I do like my job. Like a lot!"
She admits its been hard and i found All the girls on TV last night so dad will edit in How you can find tree filmed life for them
I will say you will see my kids telling their dad they will date and/or marry them. Its not a daddy complex or sugar daddy thing. It was to keep illegal aliens from taking over his body and also trying to marry him. Keeping him safe and pure for me. So understand that and you can see the films proper. They are tricks. To prove love and devotion to their parent's marriage. They go on "dates" but it's little 3 year old toddlers going out with their Father. It is pure. Just realize the plot lines.... Its sneaky mystery. He knows they are his kids and they know he is their dad. Its simple. Its s conglomerate camouflage to protect themselves, me and dear old dad. Its a real beauty and treasure to see.
And now due to the Ocean Wide Marriage of Mother Nature using her soulmates as power. Never do those occurrences have to happen again.
Now I can say "it's daddy date time lets get you all ready" I can get all my girls dressed and ready and go out with my sons. Then we switch. "Its mommy date time" and the girls get all ready.
Because we are keeping it feminine and old fashion where the girls are taken out for a romantic evening and the parents teach the children proper etiquette and dating procedures.
So the movies he posts are a prelude to our future fun. Although they were seriously and honestly protecting his life.
So although our children are and will be married we will still intervene and remind them to change things up a bit. Come out with us on 2 trial runs check your comfort, expand your mind. Then go out single and have fun.
My mom all my mom's have had agoraphobia. So i get it too, sometimes. So this helps me. So when he wants to take me out someplace unfamiliar to me, new and strange. I am more relaxed. And I enjoy it more. Because I've gone with 2 groups to basically go check the place out for its saftiness and quality.
So, im happier knowing he's picked a good safe place for me to enjoy.
But agoraphobia aside. It is simply beautiful.
Its a Mary Poppins trait. Take the kids. See if it is kid approved then take the whole family to impress the damming father of their knowledge of the restaurant
Its a rich NYC establishment of Socialite traits.
Its absolutely historical. And missing on this Earth.
Our Steam ships will provide times for those "dates" for everyone aboard.
Its great for large families. I have 16 daughters. In groups of 8 we have a nice large meal and great table outing where we can talk and laugh and enjoy each other
Our plans are 2 girl dates and 4 boy dates per week then 1 large dinner table for all.
We have 18 boys.
So two groups of girls of 8 each.
2 groups of boys 9 each.
That's 4 nights of switching with mom and dad.
2 nights of single dates and/or brother sister switch dates which pushes a week into 2 week time frame for specialties.
Every 6 weeks.
Then dinner dates with entire family.
So trees arrange every thing the tables and set up so we can relax, all plans are premwde and preset and predictable. Based on patterns of behavior.
Like I know a 2 week one is a mystery adventure so it's got practical jokes and such to be tricky thus the dinners also have 6 family dinners.
Its spooky scary so kids scream, "I want my mommy!!"
So we all feel good and right as a family it's a live show and humans do it with magic so,then,we also take our turn to do them at their dinner and we dine earlier to make plans.
So the plans aren't laid out. We have bets and guesses what one will do we made long long ago. So we make money that way.
Because we are wealthy. But also for the "lower classes of finances" the mystery solving does earn money. Including Some for wild and fun completely wrong theories will earn a grand prize if it is a solid and GOOD foundation i can build on. There's tons of prizes and fun.
Every 6 weeks. Because the best schools have 6 weeks intercourses then a grade.
So ours is 6 weeks of yall being you then us performing a show and fucking your minds and lives all up for 2 weeks
So when you get home and kids do go to school it is 6 weeks of school. 3 weeks off 2 of which include vacation of international travel.
Which means you go to NYC visit Little Italy. Or you go to San Antonio and visit the Alamo. Go to Alaska and find a Russian Muesuems. Or you simply stay home and go to Muesuems of the past i have created.
International travel does include watching movies of REAL LIFE which will be labeled correctly or if incorrectly a prize for labeling correct like Snoop ssys in this video.
instagram
Note y'all all will have enough money to go over seas but sometimes your family will come visit you. Or you just need rest or wanna explore your own territory.
So history is considered international travel. So you can look at your own home tree made movies.
Then you earn a prize. A souvenir.
So you watch you and you be all dam man i love this lamp i keep seeing. -- i for real bought this lamp and it was so filled with love all i wanna do is wrap,my arms around it.,Idk,why but i miss it and I want it back so bad. I'd take it on vacation i love that big ass lamp. -- so if i see it and i can label every single person correctly in that movie. Then i get the lamp.
So say you know something was destroyed. Broke to high Hell. Dumped in the garbage lit on fire.
Momma gonna get it for you. Out of 8 tons of trash on top of it. And I gonna fix it how you loved it. You had a sticker on the bottom of your eye rolling phone? It will be there. Just the way you had It.
It don't matter what happened to it. I'll magic find it. Fix and you'll get it. All magic. All you gotta do is love that object with your whole being.
Mary Poppins. I won't even know. But momma gonna get it.
Now, ole George had something you wanted... Fine old diamond ring and watch set you always slipped an eye to.
Daddy gonna buy you one Just like it. Father Christmas aka Christopher Columbus promised it Will get built. All your favorites.
Now we say we gonna do it. But we asked the true magic God could we please??.
In 2008 he said in 2020 y'all waited enough.
So we take that credit from nursery rhymes because we are the messengers m
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If my father is The One True God
And he created just this planet just for me to keep me safe and it was invaded.
Then I would be Jesus a girl. And i have found out i can not forgive. So welcome to Corona.
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fuck-customers · 7 years
Text
Okay, I NEED to vent.
This is a fuck managers. It’s mostly a rant about nothing, just an annoying member of management who cannot get out of his own head.
It’s about my supervisor who is actually one of my closest friends, however, I’m really sick of him at work. To make this easier, let’s call him Simon (NOT his name).
Simon has worked for the company for about five years, as a supervisor for about two years and in our store for the past 18 months. As a supervisor in general I would say he was hardworking, a motivator and very, VERY fast paced. The guy drinks about 4 coffees a shift and is constantly running around. He’s a genuine and sweet guy as well, the way he talks about his better half (and her family), his parents and so on would make your heart melt. He’s also VERY dirty and quite forward with people so he’ll ask people about anything. 
Sometimes him being so fast-paced makes him difficult to work with. You’ll start a shift with him and he’ll tell you to do a task, but, not explain it properly. It might be something like fold down all the jackets hanging on the back wall, put them away through the back and put out the new jackets in their place. Tasks like this are common and also quite lengthy, but, in Simon style he’ll say “so yeah that’ll take about an hour?” and then speed off, come and check on you in an hour and get annoyed that it’s not done. My pet peeve with him is when you’re opening with him and you and another member of staff need to stock up the store - often a manager will tell you what to stock up so like you’ll only do a zone, or you’ll only do a particular item, or you’ll stock up stuff for “back to school” or “Christmas presents” - other times managers will let you use your judgement and do whatever is low - not Simon. Simon gives the vaguest idea of stocking up ever and basically makes you do the entire salesfloor. He’ll also make you “walk” with him as he points out obvious low stock. You’ll tell him it’s low because we have none in stock and nothing else to replace it with and he’ll just be like, “Nah we have loads of them in the stockroom.”
As Simon is very vague with stocking up, the likes of me and older staff tend to take our times with this and do the sales floor whilst newer staff may only do gaps and stock that looks low. None of this is good for Simon, the first takes too long and he huffs and puffs and asks why it’s taking so long (because we’re doing the whole shop fuck sake) and the latter is even worse and has Simon getting annoying because people should know what they’re doing. This is exactly what he does with every task and it’s frustrating as fuck. 
I always think Simon is stuck in his own head, like he’ll have an idea of how something should pan out but because he doesn’t explain it well enough, or think it over rationally, it doesn’t pan out in the way he thinks it will - I mean, it’ll be more than fine 99.9% of the time but it won’t be what he imagined. We did a few performance reviews where we were also told to give management feedback and I think everyone gave this exact same feedback about Simon. 
ANOTHER thing that annoys me about Simon is his ignorance. So, as I said, he’s a very kind person but he doesn’t understand a lot. Take me for example, his friend outside of work - he knows me and he knows my partner very well - but, he doesn’t understand that I’m mentally ill. I mean, he knows I’m mentally ill he just fails to understand. Like the day I took a panic attack and had to get sent him, before I left he was like, “But [name] you were fine this morning!” He seems to think every mental health issue can be sorted by a good diet, exercise and sleep. Lifestyle changes do help with mental health, I know that, I’ve managed to change my lifestyle before to reduce symptoms but I tried explaining to him that sometimes I feel so down I can’t eat and when I do I’m physically sick, that sometimes I have no energy to go to the gym and that however hard I try, I’m still not sleeping at night - even with a bedtime. He also thinks all of lifes problems are sorted with a night out. He’ll ask me time and time again if I’m going out on a Saturday night. My response is always the same, “No, because I’m working here at 8am on Sunday.” Drinking worsens the symptoms of my mental health and when I try and explain this to him it goes over his head. This is the same for a few of us, one of the new guys is very socially anxious and Simon’s response to this was to send him out in the mall to switch notes for pound coins. A simple task but for someone who is new and shy made him incredibly on edge. He also made him to this at like, 11am, when the mall only opens at nine so he was out for a good 40 minutes trying every single shop before getting something.
The main reason I’m posting this is due to two recent issues I’ve had on shift with Simon. He’s never apologised either, which makes it much more annoying. 
Number 1 - STUDENT DISCOUNT.
Anyone can give a 10% discretionary discount at my work, but, the only real approved use for this is for either students with a valid student ID or if an item is faulty. Often if a customer is nice I’ll give them a 10% discount if they’re buying a lot and I’ll file it under student, my manager doesn’t mind this and thinks it’s a nice touch. I’ll often do it as well if kids are buying a lot of stuff using their own money, as if they have a card for high school of some sort we can give them student discount too, so I’ll often just ask them if they’re at high school and give them it.
Recently, I was serving this really nice lady and her young pre-teen son. They came in the day earlier and spent loads as they were buying stuff for her husband and I was helping them with sizes. There was one we didnt have and I ordered it for next day delivery to the store, this worked out great for the mum and they had been bought a school bag for her son for his birthday that he didn’t like and they were gonna exchange it. I put the bag they wanted behind so we could exchange it. When they came in the day after they also bought the kid two jackets, a pair of trainers and jogging bottoms and a runner top for his P.E kit. They were extremely nice and their total came to about £350. So, I gave them the 10% discount as the boy actually did have his “young scot” card. 
Simon came behind me after the customers left and said, “You should know we stopped doing student discount two weeks ago.”
He seemed really annoyed and made out like everyone know and it was common knowledge. NOBODY told me this. As I asked other staff over half of us didn’t know this and a few weeks later they started doing student discount again too!
Number 2 - the cash desk drawer/sticker machine
I had been on the cash desk earlier that day but hadn’t been on it for a few hours. I started serving a customer and put them through the till, I ended up getting stuck on for two or three transactions and they were all card.
Simon pulled me up as the cash drawer was bent and said it was because I slammed it shut. I mean, I do this, but, so does everyone. And, the cash drawer had been bent all day. I suspected it was one of the newbies trying to get it open, or our manager being an idiot and left it. I told him it wasn’t me and he just shrugged, “If you say so.”
Now, we also have a very old sticker machine. It always breaks and you have to be forceful with it. 
It stopped working on this very same shift, it kept repeating itself “price?” *enters price* “price?” … Simon didn’t seem to understand what I was telling him when I said it was broke and showed me how to “reset it” which I know how to do already but whatever. When I tried typing in it when Simon reset it he just sorta shook his head at me and telling me I was doing it wrong, etc (I wasn’t). The machine crashed again and then I RESET IT, Simon watching. He then told me to wait for it to load (I was confused as it was loading) and went away. I started doing something else nearby for about 30 seconds when Simon came over and told me it wasn’t gonna fix itself. 
“You told me to let it load.”
“No I didn’t.”
URGH. 
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As much as I love Simon he doesn’t listen. If you tell him about his management flaws he seems to override this in his head. 
I feel sad, but, I’m gonna have to go to my manager about this because it’s genuinely making work stupidly difficult and everyone agrees.
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distress · 7 years
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just wrote a huge big post about everything i accomplished today and then tumblr crashed on my phone so here’s a quicker mental health update. imagine more exclamation points tho.  my one key is broken 
- stayed in bed for a little bit after waking up but not too long.
- called wells fargo to sort out my last paycheck which, for the last three checks, they have put some sort of loss prevention hold on the account. it seems like it could actually be the fault of my employer and their status with wells fargo. my workplace wasnt a bad company but we receive a billion wire transfers and send many etc etc. just lots of buying/selling so i can see i guess the trouble maybe. either way i’ll probably switch banks soon cuz fuck wells fargo. anyway
- drove 20 mins to go to bed bath and beyond which is good oh fuck my tilde key is broken too how am i supposed to express satisfaction???????????????????? anyway i got new bath mats (which i didnt really need but they were on sale and DEFINITELY make my bathroom feel way less grody) and a vacuum cleaner, a super cheap one, but better than not having one at all.
- cleaned up my cat’s litter box closet :** i got a huge kitty litter mat too and set it up properly, vacuumed everything, and hopefully my place will feel generally cleaner now that nasty isnt tracking litter everywhere. and if he does i can vacuum it up
- “beat” witcher 3, as in i’ve finished the main story and almost all the main game’s side quests etc. this has taken me two years but witcher 3 has been the only game i’ve truly enjoyed playing recently. i’m really happy to have gotten back into it, and i bought the dlc. expensive but a good investment to keep me playing something i really like
- on that note i’ve stopped feeling the need to play overwatch. i love overwatch but i did feel like it’s been draining on me and my enjoyment of other games. since i bought it a bit over a year ago i’ve felt like playing it pretty much every day, with maybe a week’s break at most. i’ve played maybe 2-3 times in the past two weeks and it’s hella nice to have a big break. :,) i know i’ll get back into it but i’m happy to leave it for now.
- worked on my embroidery :* it’s looking p nice considering i have almost no embroidery experience. i would love to become skilled at it and sell my work/do custom work. 
- i started cleaning my bathroom -- i was kind of inspired by @unfuckyourhabitat ... it seems so obvious but the before/after pictures there helped me feel encouraged. i get overwhelmed trying to do everything, like trying to clean my ENTIRE apartment in one day, so overwhelmed that i often end up doing nothing instead. and although my bathroom isn’t entirely clean yet, it looks SO much better than before. the counter is all clean, and it feels good. and i feel good about stopping even though my whole bathroom isn’t clean, because i still did a lot of work on it
- i showered and exfoliated, and stayed in the shower long enough to really treat my hair w/ my shampoo and stuff. my scalps been fucked from dying my hair, and while i loved having colorful hair i definitely got sick of it and am very happy to be back to black. even now tho my hair is more purpley blue than black. my next dye it’ll probably look a bit more normal-- and i won’t have to bleach anymore.
- i’ve done well isolating myself from the two people i know here well, the two people i talk to here. while i know one is just inherently shitty for me, the other friend i have a hard time accepting that it’s an unhealthy and unstable friendship. but my therapist thinks it is, and i can definitely see why. i think because of my previous emotional abuse, i have a hard time accepting that someone who does treat me very very well can still have flaws and hurt me in ways i shouldn’t let happen, even if it’s far from abuse. i’m also going to start going to therapy weekly for awhile, even if it’s hard and weird for me to find things to talk about. 
- and here i am :D despite tumblr mobile deleting this whole post i had already written, i’m also proud of myself for getting on my laptop and rewriting it rather than getting upset it was gone. and i’m proud of myself for feeling proud of the little things today.
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it FINALLY fucking happened
i have a migraine and awful cramps from this stupid IUD rn but i have to get this out. i have to capture the authenticity of my feelings right now. it finally happened. i could cry happy tears because of how incredible and great i feel in this moment. brendon and darian are back together. i saw a pics of them on instagram w captions about how much they love each other and wanna know what i felt when i saw those pictures? fucking NOTHING. I FINALLY FEEL NOTHING. ok, i feel sad for them but thats honestly truly the only emotion that came up for me. i no longer feel the intense nausea, feeling like i am getting stabbed in the pit on my stomach, rush of emotions pouring over my entire body, ringing in my ears, dissosiation that i felt the first time i heard the words from his lips “i have a girlfriend now”. that feeling that didn’t seem to go away for MONTHS. that feeling that would resurface every time i looked at their social media and saw how fucking happy and perfect they were. it was fucking disgusting. i can finally say i don’t feel those feelings anymore and u know what that means? 
i means i have healed. it means i have moved on. it means I have successfully mended the broken pieces of my heart that he left me with. i did that. with the help of some loving and supportive friends, yes. but it was me. i’m the one that chose to live all those times i wanted to die, and i chose to pretend to be happy to the point that my bones hurt to their core because i was faking it so hard. i chose to move back home to something familiar and stable so i could feel safe, so i could get away from the torment of his memory, from the fear of running into her, or him, or worse the both of them together. 
at one point i felt that i gave everything i had built so hard for the past two years away. my life in california was ruined because of him. the reason i went out there in the first place to get clean back in april of 2014 was because he told me to. my body was deteriorating faster than i could keep track of and i mentioned, maybe i should move back to cali and get clean, and you should too and we can be together. and he told me to go out there so i fucking did. hes the reason, the motivation i had to get clean. everything i did from that point forward was for him or because of him or for us. so WE could live together happily for fucking forever. 
originally we had a plan to go to rehab for a bit then run away together but at some point something switched in me. i think it was god working in my life honestly. but at some point i decided u know what i wanna give this thing a shot. i wanna see what its like to be clean and happy and all that these weird ppl in AA rave about. and then he went down there from fresno and he got clean and holy shit that was the most incredible summer of my life. i wish i had pictures but i deleted probably 98% of them. but i had so many good times w him, riding my bike to the beach while he rode his skateboard. holding hands, going to meetings together. i was so fucking proud to tell everyone he was my boyfriend. i was so goddamn fucking in love. 
and now i’m crying, but not because i want to be with him. no, never. i’m crying because the happiness i felt was so pure and genuine and incredible and indescribable. i wouldnt change it for anything. if i could go back and relive those moments we shared that summer but i would have to relive the heartbreak again then i would probably do it. but i wouldnt change anything. i would relieve the good and the bad but i would want the result to be the same as what it is in this moment. hes with her and i’m with myself on my ellies bed in my parents house with rocky and luna sleeping at my feet. i don’t want to be with him anymore but i don’t regret what we had because it was true love and it was passionate and intense and a type of love i will never feel again. because it was extremely toxic. as intense as the good moments were so were the bad. and it got reeeeaaally bad.
he told me i deserved to be molested when i was 5. he told me this while we were in line for the screamin eagle at disneyland, because i was paying more attention to my phone than to him. he was upset and we got in an argument and thats what he said to me. that a fucking five year old deserved to get some creepy mother fuckers fingers in her asshole. real cute huh? but i’m not a saint. at some point i told him i’m glad his dad left him and that he probably did because he hated him cuz hes useless and that his mom is a slut cuz she has 4 baby daddies. i said some horrible things too that i’m not proud of but in those moments i felt so justified. as the anger wore off tho i felt guilty for saying those things, and so would he. so we would always make up. and thiings would be really good again until the next fight and shit would hit the fan. and then we started calling the cops on each other. he was never physically abusive to me, except one time he pinned me down like a pretzel cuz i was beating the living shit out of him. the position he had me in hurt a lot but he was protecting himself cuz i had lost it. i dont remember what that particular fight was about. the weather maybe? idk dude we would fight over the DUMBEST shit. 
i remember thinking and telling him, “if you act like a bitch u get treated like one”. which means youre a fucking dick to me so i’m a dick right back mother fucker. i ran him over w my car once. he smashed my phone to pieces cuz i searched a guy on facebook. he would go through my phone and find texts from months ago where i said a guy was hot and he would flip out call me a whore tell me nobody is ever gonna love me, and go spread my legs somewhere. he would accuse me of fucking literally EVERYONE. if i was off work 5 minutes late its because i was fucking my manager in the back. if i wasnt texting him back while i was w jenny or kolby its cuz i was fucking them. oh he hated all my friends also. and had no friends of his own. i was his whole world which really bugged me at the time but i lowkey miss that now. i miss feeling that important and special and loved. and i miss having that much power over someone, i’ll admit it. 
but despite all this bad shit there were good times, and they were really fucking good. specifically its the feelings. i felt safe with him. like nothing could ever hurt me or touch me, besides him. but i was addicted to the chaos so i didn’t mind the verbal and emotional abuse and i dished it right back. although lets be real here according to my sponsor, therapist, mentor, friends, anyone w a brain. he was definately the sicker one out of the two of us. we were both so fucking sick but i was a wee bit healthier i would say. there were so many times we would ride around costa mesa on harbor blvd at midnight complaining about how much it sucked to not have a car, or money, or anything. we had NOTHING. he really had nothing when he got there besides like 3 shirts and old pair of vans 2 sizes too small and shorts. i created him. everything he got from that point forward was from me. all of it. and there were weeks at a time where he had no money and he ate because i bought him food. not that he owes me anything or that he ever did, i did those things because i wanted to because i was in love and he was gonna be my life partner. everything i ever wanted i wanted with him or nobody else. anyway, we would be riding through the kmart parking lot on harbor and wilson, he would be coming w me to drop me off at fordham and we would complain about how much it fucking sucked but “one day we would look back on all of this and laugh.” because “one day were gonna make it” we said. we had so many hopes and dreams together. he was supposed to be my fucking husband. i was going to be the mother of all of his children. 
but you know what? it was all a fucking fantasy. a beautiful fantasy but a fantasy nonetheless. and after spending summer 2015 apart because he decided drugs were more important than me, we got back together in september and shit didnt get much better. it was a bit at times but mostly no. same shit. really intense good times. really intense bad times. passionate love, passionate hate. a couple days before new years 2015 going into 2016 we broke up for the last time. this is when he broke my phone cuz i searched jacob berry on fbook. after that i was done. i had been done thousands of times before but i was really done this time. we didn’t talk at all for like a week then i saw him on his birthday january 7th and we decided we were gonna get back together in august when he had a year sober. we werent gonna talk in the meantime but we were for sure getting back together. then one day i added a guy, kyle on facebook and he lost it. again with being called a slut and blah blah blah. and this time we were really done. like FORREAL. i was moving on everything was great blah blah. i dont think i actually thought i had lost him tho. it was gonna be like every other time where we will get back together again. so i wasnt really that sad. i think i was thriving off the anger i felt towards him. like are u seriously gonna be done w me over adding a dude???? how stupid. 
and then one day in late february my world came crashing down in the middle of the target electronics section. hannah texted or called me i cant remember but said she needed to tell me something. i demanded to know immedietally and she hesitated, i knew it was bad. she told me darian and brendon were talking. darian, my former client darian. darian, the girl who I TOLD STORIES ABOUT BRENDON TO WHEN SHE WAS STRUGGLING W HER EX IN HOPES THAT I COULD OFFER HER SOME EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. i was vulnerable w her about him. i was trying to be helpful, i shared stuff w her i dont share w everyone but since her sitution at the time was similar to my realtionship w brendon i opened up to her. how fucking dare she. that fucking stupid bitch. how dare HE. knowing she was my client. i even had considered her a friend up until this point. i had considered moving in with her for christsakes wtf. and that the first time i felt that feeling. that awful awful feeling i no longer felt tonight. and then i felt it again a month later when he told me they were officially together. and again when i learned she met his family. (oh yeah thats another reason i think i stayed as long as i did because i adore his family. )
a bunch of other shit happened in between. him and i started talking again in march briefly when he basically cheated on her w me, then he came back in my life just this past december only to leave again like the coward that he is. but i’m grateful that happened because before i had always wondered what i had done to make him basically leave me for her, or so i felt. because he DID choose her over me. he chose to start a new relationship over mending the one that we had that was supposed to be forever. and i lost my shit. was literally destroyed shell of a human for months. extremely emotionally and mentally unstable. lost a bunch of friends cuz they couldnt handle me. got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship, almost lost a job, attempted suicide, went to the psych ward. it was really really rough for a long time. but today all of that has changed. i no longer feel that deeprooted sadness, devastation, horrid unbearable pain. today i have healed. i feel very sad for the both of them because i know how unstable their relationship is. cuz i was there. i was her. and i HATED her for a long time but i dont anymore because i feel bad she is in love w him and is gonna get hurt and heartbroken like i did. 
but i’m glad he came in my life again this past december because it cleared up a lot of unanswered thoughts i had. A. he still loves me and will always love me as i will him. B. he is thankful for me being in his life and will never forget me, and C. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. i fought w every fiber of my being for us to be together and hes the one that threw it all away. hes the one that walked away. i promised him from the moment i knew i was in love w him that as long as we both loved each other we could fix anything. but he wasnt willing to try anymore so at least i know i gave it my all and its his loss cuz he was too weak to try to work together to make things right. or maybe we just werent meant to be. or maybe both.
irregardless, my arm is so mother fucking cramped i can barley type. and i have so much more i could say, i could go on forever. but the point is that the horrid feelings i once felt are no longer there anymore and i am truly 100000% happy today when i once thought i was going to die without him. so i am proof that healing from the most excrusiating heartbreak is possible and its possible to be happier when u lose ppl u cant imagine losing, and when u get a new life that u didnt even want
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