#then i should expect that others might be able to have empathy for my suffering and experiences that are different to theirs

[yanderesimp2000]

yan Adam x fem reader chap 6/6 "the end?"

Finale? kinda I might do a spinoff to this series in the future but the reader is pregnant because you people kept asking for it

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https://www.tumblr.com/yanderesimp2000/745338401920860160/extreme-yandere-adam-x-fem-reader-chap-15-start?source=share

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https://www.tumblr.com/yanderesimp2000/745426251094818816/extreme-yandere-adam-x-fem-listener-chap-25?source=share

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https://www.tumblr.com/yanderesimp2000/745572611124232192/yan-adam-x-fem-reader-chap-35-someone-else-dares?source=share

CHAP 4

https://www.tumblr.com/yanderesimp2000/745703396615520256/yandere-adam-x-fem-reader-chapter-46-this-is?source=share

CHAP 5

https://www.tumblr.com/yanderesimp2000/746049756622716928/extreme-yan-adam-x-fem-reader-chap-56-look-at?source=share

TWS ,HEAVILY BRAINWASHED READER, Adam being Adam,possessiveness, Inceliness

Tags, Marriage proposal , snuggles, fluff, Travel, I tried way to hard on heaven world building

BTW this takes place in a universe where Adam won in S1 EP 8

You just finished making lunch from Adam he was laughing about something while he ate something about Lucifer's face when he killed his "precious daughter" you heard story's about what Lucifer did and you were glad he was suffering "serves that scum right" was what you thought Adam then finished his food and said "y'know what we should do today, We should go to the Empathy borough there lots of fun shit to do their and... I got a surprise for you" he teased

your face lit up you were excited to finally be able to go out somewhere after the "incident" Adam was very very controlling and made sure you were either locked in a room or in his sight at all times Adam cackled and said " that means I get to dress you up again my little doll" he then gently picked you up and walked you over to the closet where he started to look at dresses before finding one a red dress that was elegant but also soft and gentle it was perfect for you. You quickly put it on and it was perfect you looked amazing adam chuckled and said "thats it hottie" before slapping your ass

Adam started to put on his robe that he wore everywhere and then said "y'know we should fly to the transport system it would be nice to get out of the house" usually Adam would just use his high ranking angel magic to teleport but I guess he wanted to fly to the transport station which was who low ranking angels got from borough to borough heavens boroughs are HUGE most of these boroughs were about the sizes of the rings of hell so flying is not that feasible for traveling long distances but the transit station was a 7 minute flight from Adams house

Adam then grabbed your hand kissed you on the cheeks and said "ready to go hot-tits" you nodded your head before starting to guide you to the door before you two left to go to the transit port

the Virtue borough was the most well known of the 17 boroughs it was the most populated and home to all of the important stuff like the seraphim, the elder angels, the arch angels, the saints and much more. the Virtue borough has huge Golden skyscrapers and marble road you would think it would have a lot to do but no it was pretty boring "even the angels here are boring " Adam said you couldn't argue because unlike the other 16 species of angels virtue angels have no species wide ability that they all have. Adam tells you that you are a humility angels you trust him because your life before that was a blur and why would he lie to you, as you flew to the block were the transport station was Adam said "your gonna love this surprised I'm so fuckin pumped to see your reaction" his joy was plasterd all over him he was practically shaking as you two entered the transport station

The transport station was exactly what you would expect from a VERY high class area of heaven golden lots of guards and very fast lines you and Adam got on the teleportation pad leading to the Empathy ring you two chatted and waited for about 2 minutes before a voice on the intercome said "Virtue station 17 departing to Empathy station 3" and suddenly the doors closed before you all started to be teleported to the empathy ring

you guys quickly arrived at the empathy ring in around 3 minutes which was VERY LONG because Empathy is on the far west of heaven and virtue is on the East-central part their about 13 boroughs in-between the two borough. Only the humility and sacrifice boroughs are east of the Virtue borough so you were far far from home so that meant new customs to get used to

when you got out the station the first thing you noticed about empathy was how different it was The borough is Literally a group of 1160 small densely packed floating islands that are connected via bridge and instead of having the same white and gold color scheme of the virtue and other central and east boroughs the empathy borough was made of emeralds and has a dark blue-green color the entire borough looked like a rain forest and you loved it and another interesting thing about the empathy ring was their people they looked aquatic even though they didn't need to be underwater to survive. the diffrence between empathy and the seaside borough is that the seaside borough usually get no rain while its always almost wet in the empathy ring but not rainy just wet

Adam looked around seeming unfazed before laughing at how amazed you are "what are you so shocked about theirs nothing extraordinary about this place it just a little different" he mocked. You quickly agreed with him and said "yeah theirs nothing special about this place" you don't know why but when he said that you immediately agreed with him Adam then said "now I wanna show you all the cool shit to do here" before Grabbing you and flying couple streets down till you get to a restaurant that he always talked about

You two walked in and the waiter there looked shocked but said "oh oh my sir it is a pleasure to be in your presence" before bowing Adam just looked annoyed and said "you didn't have to do all that but it was still fucking sweet I just want a table for 2 in my usual seat" the waiter got up quickly and said "oh right this way sir" before Before raising his arms and quickly one of the display little Lakes where some koi and other fish were turned into a staircase of water you were at first a little scared but Adam quickly put his foot on it and he could stand it was strange you are just shocked he started walking and said "come on babe what the fuck are you waiting for get up here" before taking your hand and you to start to walk up this is the first time you've seen the power of these angels and it was very surprising you thought they just lived with water you didn't know they could control them but after all there was a lot of things you didn't remember that's why I needed him right?

The waiter walked you to what he said was his favorite see it it was a wonderful seat overlooking one of the many gorgeous parks of the empathy Borough you two sat down and he said "man this place is even better than when I last came don't know why I didn't take you here sooner just it's a long way but that's no excuse I'm fucking sorry babe I deprived you" you just said sad that you made him feel bad " it's okay don't be sad we would have gone here eventually so why Rush" "Yeah you're right" Adam said then saying "let's just enjoy The View" the view was gorgeous it was facing right next to one of them thousands of parks inside the empathy Borough this one had waterfalls and wonderful Greenery you two are sat next to each other so you cozied into him "awwwww how precious" Adam teased before putting his hand on your head you were disappointed when the waiter interrupted your moment to ask what your drink order would be you ordered what you thought would be good the dragon fruit smoothie Adams are they ordered something non-alcoholic instead " aww is wittle baby too scared to get drunk that's okay" he teased then saying his order " I'll have the white vodka with fruit juice and three shots of strawberry syrup" the way to seemed to be anxious why though why would he be anxious around Adam the gracious first man "o-o-o-ok sir right away" he stuttered before scurrying off somewhere 

You and Adam went back to looking at the wonderful view of the park his wings seemed to snuggle around you since you cleaned his feathers they've been really soft almost like a blanket so you didn't try and complain not like you were going to anyways but it was just nice to be wrapped around the big blanket like feathers Adam seem to pull his wings closer to him also pulling you closer to him as he started to pet your back and said "you're all mine you know that I'll protect you and keep you safe and make sure you don't see or think anything dangerous" it's really the least I could do as a decent husband you're nodded and ran your hands through his feathers seeming to make sure that was nothing stuck in between them and if there was anything you would pluck them out because you didn't want him to have dirty feathers it just urked you Adam chuckled and said ' that feels nice you really are perfect" he kept petting you and even going down to your wings even though they were slightly smaller because of what happened he's still said they were cute and adorable and it was even better that you couldn't fly so you couldn't try and do anything "rash"

You then saw the waiter  come over with your drinks he put them down on your guys table and said "enjoy" in that same anxious tone before scurrying off somewhere again " what's his problem" Adam Scoffed " I only banished three of the waiters here to hell it wasn't my fault they will be until slow and they were heaven born anyway so nobody really cared" he said with a slight sadistic undertone you two then kept looking around at the park " I wish this moment would never end" you said so Adam knew you were happy " me too... because this drink is fucking delicious" Adam said as he asked you what you wanted to order " I think the Tropical salad would be delightful" you said Adam was shocked and said "ugh diet food I'm gonna get the marinated Teriyaki ribs extra ribs" he mocked before calling over the waiter and placing the order " you better be quick or you know what happeneds" in a cruel the threatening way but that's just because he wants his food not because he's evil or anything it's their fault is what you thought he waiter then scurried off again and you two kept looking out at the park as he cuddling you ever so gently it was like the fluffiest down pillow " keep doing that babe its adorable" Adam whispered into your ear making you flustered which adam just found even more adorable "I love you and you're all flustered like that it's so hot" Adam teased you just giggled enjoying his teasing you like that when I talk to you like that you found it attractive for some reason but it's best not to question it right? The waiter then came rushing in with your food the plate the atoms ribs are serve one is bigger than you and you think the ribs were around half your size your salad was a bit more modest but you're still big it was served in a nice wooden Bowl it was filled with colorful fruits they didn't even know existed along with crumbly cheese pieces of crispy bread and very fresh vegetables the waiter then left in the same anxious pace as last time 

You and Adam continue to eat your food it was delicious and he seemed to love it too " told you this place would be delicious they make these ribs so good I just can't eat thousands of them at a time you know what I'm feeling " you're nodding along listening intently but not knowing what to say Adam seem to be very passionate about this place "I swear this place ever goes out of business I'll kill everybody who helped to make it out of business the tax  the people who chose to shut it down and the owners for not telling me that it's shutting down " once you to finish your food Adam just picked you up and flew out of the window " don't worry I'm allowed to eat here for free they  love me here "

He then landed with you at the same park you guys were overlooking it was beautiful there was a wonderful draping trees and all sorts of colors and the path you are on was there for thousands of years this park was one of the oldest in heaven so you could see all the old landmarks that were there since the times of the elder  angels " pretty soon we're going to be at that place where I have a surprise for you" Adam said as you two continue to walk

 The park was better than anything you've ever seen there were traditional old monuments there from the era before Humanity was created it depicted beautiful Elder angels and the entire shrine was grown with vines but strangely it felt like it was meant to be that way it matched the aesthetic of the green Lush empathy ring Adam then chirped in and said  "I'm so pumped to show you my surprise your gonna  love it you're going to be like wow Adam you're so great I love you that's fuck" you blushed slightly trying to hide it you are so excited to see what a surprise was it's like Adam was a genius the setting the ambiance there was light roses everywhere and Lush flowers to compliment it it was a perfect place to  visit especially on a nice spring day you and Adam eventually got to a small area where nobody was right by one of the hundreds of lakes in this park he lifted up a vine to show a small area not for you too that was beautiful flowers it was a little cave basically made of flowers and it was right by the water he sat down in motion due to sit next to him " well I know what technically "married " but I don't feel like I made it official you feel me so will you spend the rest of your life with me " Adam then pulled out a beautiful ring it was everything you could have imagined that had a beautiful rose gemstone on it complimented with the wonderful gold exterior " yes yes yes Adam I will " you said before leaning and giving them a big hug he hugged you too and said " I knew you would say that sorry for not proposing earlier I was scared you would get overwhelmed or some shit like that women are strange and sensitive like that " he said before continuing to hug you you to stayed like that hugging each other just enjoying each other's company until Adam finally said " let's go home babe we can prepare for the wedding " before I picked you up and you too flew into the distance

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello! I've been following you for a while and you've given really good insights about types (I was quite blown by the way you've been able to read into INFJ's shame and what not. It was really cool to read.)

Anyway, I am an ENTP and recently I've realized that my sense of empathy is rather odd…I am able to understand others, I can predict how certain things may affect others emotionally within logic, however my sense of empathy never truly reaches me. I know it sounds a little weird, but truly I find so hard to be moved by things that often move others, or to care beyond the basic courtesy. I can understand how and why someone feels in x way, however said empathy often comes from logic more than actually feeling in the shoes of others.

At the same time, I take my sweet time when it comes to understand my own feelings. Like, I can experience something that leaves me feeling weird and take a whole day, nap included, just to realize I'm kinda angry or sad or surprised. This inability to guide myself through my own feelings or even experience what others experience has caused me some troubles through the years, because of course, despite being able to read others, one is bound to fail or misunderstand at some point.

From running my mouth, having bad timing, to doing hurtful stuff that in my view were not hurtful at that moment (because I somehow reached the wrong conclusion in my attempt for empathy) I often find myself a little on the sideway when it comes to feelings of vulnerability, to the point I even end up pushing myself through stuff that makes me uncomfortable after I failed to understand I was weirded out on time; or even the opposite when I end up stating that I am really angry just to realize I didn't even cared that much.

The fact that I am a woman and people tend to expect women to be more sympathetic doesn't help either, so it's not rare for a group of people who knows me superficially to think that I am too reactionary/intimidating/out of reach/aggresive/harsh when in fact most of the time I'm trying to be friendly and outspoken, all while my inner circle define me as very lighthearted and even motherly. And, keep in mind, I am actually very adjusted socially, quite functional. I'm the type of person who will push through depression and very bad scenarios out of will which has been incredibly useful in dark times, but again I wonder if it was less will and more me not being vulnerable at all.

So, do you think this is some kind of failing in my Fe? Is this something that happens often to ENTP's or maybe I should check on other things like mental health etc? Do you have tips that could help me being more understanding of my own feelings? (Thank you before hand!)

-------------------

Generally speaking, the focus of therapeutic psychology is mainly on the individual. Behavior is labelled "problematic" when it causes pain and suffering and negatively impacts one's ability to live life in the manner one aspires to. It is a self-evaluation. Since you claim to be functional in daily life, there is no reason to believe that you have any mental health problem or disorder.

However, abnormal psychology is but one of many perspectives through which to understand the human mind. E.g. What about highly functional yet existentially unhappy people? What about people who live a comfortable life but still yearn? What about people skilled at brushing aside issues to keep moving forward in life?

These people might not suffer from any serious mental disorder, but that doesn't mean there isn't enormous room for improvement. The subfield of psychoanalytic psychology helps people get to know themselves more deeply. The subfield of humanistic psychology helps people understand and fulfill their needs better. The subfield of positive psychology was created to tackle subjects like: how to live a better quality of life; how to flourish and thrive; how to realize greater potential.

You've described a psychological "issue" that you struggle with at times, but not to the extent that it poses a serious problem. Whether this issue is common for ENTPs with tertiary Fe is not the right question to ask. If I say "yes", then what? If I say "no", then what? Unless your behavior is very harmful, it's not for me or anyone else to tell you that there's something "wrong" with you. I don't want to play the role of judge and jury.

The question boils down to: What, if anything, do YOU want to do about this issue? The motivation to change shouldn't come from me saying that there's something "wrong" with you, as though I'm your parent. You should have some kind of intrinsic motivation, stemming from deep within your own soul, to improve yourself and your life. Unfortunately, without this intrinsic motivation, many people end up choosing unhealthy paths to self-improvement.

From your description, you have the capability to be emotionally aware and empathetic. However, "capability" is different than "ability". A capability is something you can potentially do but perhaps lack the knowledge or skill or will to do well. An ability is what you possess after you've put in the necessary hard work to learn the knowledge and skill required to do something well.

Of course, there are certain capabilities that are harder to develop for some people than others due to genetic predisposition. But this shouldn't be a barrier for anyone seeking personal growth for the right reasons. When you have the right intrinsic motivation, you understand that self-improvement isn't about being "the best" but about being a better you.

At any point in life, you get to choose to be a better you by turning your capabilities into abilities, by realizing more of your potential. To be clear, there's nothing "wrong" with refusing to. However, when you refuse, are you making the choice consciously, fully aware of the implications? Refusing essentially means you will never truly know that aspect of yourself nor see its benefits. And then you are likely to feel a strange "hole" in your existence, as though part of you is missing.

How does this relate to tertiary Fe? Generally speaking, people have plenty of capability or latent potential with the tertiary function. However, to develop latent potential and learn how to use the tertiary optimally requires a lot of difficult self-work. Why is the tertiary difficult to develop? Two main reasons:

1) It can only come after sufficient auxiliary development, which is hard enough. It sounds like your grasp of Ti is average at best, perhaps immature but not unhealthy. You use Ti in its most basic form to understand and solve problems, including human problems. However, it seems you haven't yet learned how to use it optimally to turn your capabilities into abilities.

2) People often don't understand the true value of the tertiary function and perhaps even unconsciously resist developing it in the right way. Most people use it merely as a tool to gain some egotistical advantage but then discard it whenever it becomes inconvenient. Does this not encapsulate your relationship to emotional life?

Chasing the good aspects while rejecting the bad means you don't have a full appreciation of the function. If you care about Fe, which includes having a healthier relationship to your emotional life, then you must learn to appreciate its true value and WANT it. Nobody can convince you or force you to develop a function that you overlook, ignore, or disdain as it suits you.

Gender may or may not play a role depending on how you choose to react to societal expectations. Rebellion against gender norms is sometimes necessary to promote fairness and equality, but it can also work against you, if you just end up resisting or rejecting things that are good for your personal growth.

As explained in the guide, type development is about improving your self-awareness, with the implication being that knowing yourself better allows you to make better judgments and decisions in life. It is entirely your decision as to whether you're going to: stop devaluing Fe; become more aware of its role in your psychology; accept and embrace its presence with both its positive and negative aspects; and fully integrate it into your way of being.

If you choose to take your personal growth in this direction, your emotional awareness will certainly improve which in turn will help improve your empathy for others. I've explained before that empathy requires both the cognitive and emotional components to work at its best. So far, you have favored the cognitive (as it relates to Ti) and been resistant to the emotional (as it relates to Fe). Rectifying this imbalance requires proper auxiliary and tertiary development, such that they complement rather than interfere with each other.

I've already written about emotional intelligence and recommended books that provide advice for self-improvement. The tools already exist, so it is a matter of study and practice. You say you want to be more understanding of your feelings but then your actual behavior toward feelings suggests otherwise.

For example, instead of being patient and vulnerable and listening to feelings in order to become more aware of them, you treat them as alien or as a nuisance, unwilling to take full responsibility for them. In terms of type development, it is this kind of ambivalence that keeps people stuck in a rut.

In short, is your question really about whether you "can" do it, or is it really about whether you have enough will to change and grow? Until this is clarified, your true purpose remains muddled, and that will continually limit and slow your progress.

[askultimatedirk]

if not heart, what other aspect would you like to have been assigned

Really making me crack open a few textbooks, aren't you? Buckle the fuckle up, chucklefucks, this one's going to be a dissertation. I'll even be so kind as to split it off so as not to disturb your precious tumblr feed.

First of all, let's get something out of the way. I'm answering this question more in the context of what I think would fit me, not what I think would be the most useful or conducive to the grand scheme. If I were going with that idea, the answer would be Space, full stop. That's a rather undramatic and not very interesting answer, though, so instead I'm taking the initiative as usual to do what I want to do.

The first step is to eliminate some obvious choices. While Void matches my creativity and skepticism, most of it completely undermines my lust to know literally everything at all times. Life would imply that I am anything but destructive to other people, intentionally or not. Hope is laughable. I've given some thought to Blood and Breath, the prophet and the protagonist, but neither holds much weight when the rest of the aspect is considered. I'm sure a case could be made for each of these, but I will not be doing so.

Rage would be among those immediately discarded, except for the fact that inherently, the core of the aspect is destruction. While I have devoted myself now to the prospect of creation and new life, it's not a forgotten fact that destruction runs in my veins as a Prince. I would implore that you simply imagine an Ultimate Prince of Rage. Kurloz could never. However, I eventually settled on this being an impossibility due to the connection Rage shares with madness, because fuck knows I would never get anywhere if my head was full of stupid clown shit.

Another that I likely would have discarded is Light, though it holds more weight than Rage. It's the opposite of Void, the hunger of knowing all and seeing all, to understand the very fabric of the universe. Of course, a Seer of Light would be an extremely handy player to have in their Ultimate form. This ended up not going further after some speculation and pontification, mostly because Light players are heavily associated with water and absolutely fuck the ocean.

I'm sure you expected Doom to be on this list, and it is. Fate's chosen sufferers and all that. A Prince would turn this notion inside out, the essence of self-destruction and fatalistic overwhelming. It's funny, really, the fact that I could just as easily been assigned as a Doom player if one were needed. Sacrifice and judgement are also two words reminiscent of myself, of course. In actuality, though, I don't have the social skills or empathy to stick it out as a Doom player. It wouldn't come off right.

I've already mentioned Space, of course, so let me get a little further into that. Without defaulting to the obvious point of Space players pulling the strings for extremely long periods of time without needing to make this information known, I find the power and responsibility to be something that not only would I be able to handle, but I would most likely be given in any session spawning a Space player. It's all about delayed gratification and understanding that while the little things may not be important to others, and they may not even be important now, they will absolutely be important later and should go correctly the first time. Unfortunately, Space players have a strong connection with life and I don't see that fitting in with me, or a Prince at all for that matter.

So now we get down to my two choices - surprise, I won't be making a concrete decision between these two.

Let's go with the obvious first, Mind. While it might seem counterintuitive to even consider the counterpart of my current aspect, given that each pair are generally complete opposites, I've come to the conclusion that Mind is something I've already quite often affiliated myself with. It may speak to my nature that I have done my best to conquer the shortcomings that being a Heart player naturally gifted me with, but I am a planner, a thinker, and a decision maker. Logic is core to my person. The only reason I'm not entirely certain about this one is because of the sense of justice that Terezi has bled all over the understanding of the aspect itself, but that's not concrete and may in fact not be an issue.

Lastly, of course we have to consider Time. I respect Dave, but if I were to borrow his aspect, I don't doubt for a second I wouldn't give it back. While I believe Space powers are more helpful for what I'm currently looking to do, Time powers would be my personal choice. It's true that time-hopping takes a toll and briefly causes chaos, but with the proper setup and someone who actually understands the fabric of time from the get-go, it's extremely powerful. Not only that, but the aspect itself suits me as well. Goal-focused and a problem-solver, struggling because everything needs to be just the way I want it to be. The issue is again the empathy, but that's not a core part of being a Time player.

So to conclude, I think either Mind or Time would fit me quite well. Not as well as Heart, of course, which is why I believe I'll stick with that, but this hypothetical scenario was fun and interesting to write a little essay for. Have fun analyzing it.

[poohsticksbridge]

In the midst of a largely enjoyable season of Amazon Prime’s/Sony Pictures’ adaptation of The Wheel of Time series, delivered by an outstanding cast and crew all deserving of acclaim (and renewal for future seasons), I see a lot of people responding with annoyance or dismissal of viewers’ issues (‘nitpicks’/‘complaints’) with certain season 2 character arcs.

Permit me to explain where one dense & annoying complainer (i.e., yours truly) is coming from. Because Nynaeve’s S2 show arc is potentially triggering for anyone who has lived experience with pregnancy or child loss.

Despite putting this assertion out there, I have seen — and been directly subject — to a range of responses that range from patronizing to downright heartless. These include:

How can anyone (read: these idiots) NOT see the character development that’s being set up?

People who criticize don’t understand/lack empathy for trauma survivors.

Critics who are (over)reacting need to shut up and deal with their own unresolved trauma.

And the evergreen refrain: they’re just fictional characters. Get a life. 🙄

As someone who has lost multiple pregnancies, and supported loved ones through child loss, excuse me when I say: hold my mother’s milk in a fucking cup.

Nynaeve’s arc this season was especially difficult to watch and process because she was the only character who went through it without genuine support or a single onscreen ray of hope for resolution/closure. The fact this will probably come 18-24 months from now, does not ease the immediate pain.

Let me offer a hypothetical comparator: picture the reaction from Egwene stans & the fandom as a whole, if the season had ended on episode 5. I can only imagine how that might have gone down.

As hard as I found Nynaeve’s arc, I was inclined to process it privately — until these kinds of comments started to show up in other’s posts and threads. Because I find the toxic positivity, fanlier-than-thouism and callous dismissal of others’ feelings even more triggering than Nynaeve’s arc.

Why? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself, because I too generally find fandom drama tiring. Here’s what I realized:

Such responses are trivializing and isolating. Very much the way grieving parents (or almost parents) feel after their loss, because so few people are able to relate. (Despite the growing exploration/exploitation of pregnancy and child loss in ‘entertainment,’ there’s still a very real societal taboo when it comes to talking about RL experiences.)

If you find my criticism, posts and replies to comments about Nynaeve’s arc tiresome, offensive or otherwise upsetting, feel free to ignore/delete/block/move along. Or, by all means, respond thoughtfully. But don’t tell me I don’t see/understand what the writers are doing (I’m not an idiot). Don’t tell me I don’t understand/lack empathy for trauma survivors. Don’t tell me to cool down/get over it/get (more) therapy. Don’t tell me I need to get a life. (My rainbow kid keeps me plenty busy, thanks.) And don’t expect me to shut up about my criticisms of a cherished character’s unrelenting suffering, and how it has been portrayed as robbing her of her signature competence and common sense.

If you’re still reading, thank you very much for enduring my rant. May those with differing perspectives enjoy their S3 longing, while I busy myself with fix-it fanfics and gratuitous Laneave smut.

[briellesumbrella]

I don’t want to be observed. If I was ever watched for long enough people would notice I wasn’t meant to be here. There’s people that are prime. They’re existence is hard coded into reality or at least the loose definition of it. But I’m like a frayed thread on the edge of existing and not existing. I’ve peered into a set of realities always altering between the ones with me and not me. And I see how my own energy just deprives others of everything. All I seem to be is this massive black hole to those around me. I’m alone but I’m not. And for good reason. I think I hurt others without intending to. It’s as if no matter my choices, people near me tend to suffer and have bad things happen to them. I recall how so many people I know have had cancer. My mother, my best friend and one other I wish to keep secret as they were the only one to pass away but also the only one that didn’t know me before she became ill. I’m only saying this seems to be the worst case scenario but others go through different hardships. I can’t keep people in my life, at least not naturally. And I wasn’t meant to be a hero despite my strong moral ethics. A lot of times my mind tells me to do the right thing but I’m the back of my mind I remember how it would be easier to just be evil. Others seem to be evil and get away with it. But I can’t. My conscience compels me to always do the right thing but I’m always conflicted. Especially when i do the right thing but I still seem to get punished for being good. I’ve found that keeping a neutral stance seems to work out best but to me I see neutrality as the absence of good and evil. Which leaves me unsatisfied with my choices. How am I to turn a blind eye to seeing a crime or injustice happen before me? In that same regard can I not be happy and encourage those who act just and righteous? This way of thinking has only caused me to further believe I wasn’t meant to exist for if I’m only content when I do nothing then what’s the point of living if only to just observe or be observed without taking sides. Is this true balance or just placated torture/bliss? If only I could share with those that would understand this feeling of inertness. I’ve come to believe that some are born to be meant for each other but we’re born far apart either physically or chronologically. I AM suppose to have friends but not anyone born near me in location or in age. No one should have to be alone but yet sometimes it’s all that can happen. I’m no genius but I’m doomed with information. I almost feel like parting with that information may help my or someone else’s psyche. So if I’m dead before anyone can get any help from this, I’m sorry. I staved off death as much as I could because although I used to be suicidal, I’ve come to appreciate life and I now know that all life is precious. I will continue as long as I am able and have taken steps into trying to live my life to the fullest, maybe not as fulfilling but for as long as I can hold out. Also, I may not have any children to pass this information onto but we’re all one people so therefore you are all my family in some way or another and I find it strange that so many can just forget that. We may have our own stories and our own way of doing things but we shouldn’t be hurting or killing or hating each other like we do. Sure we might not all get along but why do we have to treat anyone else with anything less then the same respect we expect to receive. At the very least we should all strive to be decent human beings to one another, have a little empathy or maybe be a little human from time to time. Anyway I’ll try and post more. If not for my own sake then for those I hold dear and for those that I love forever and always.

[piercedhearts]

God Apologizes

Today I resumed my reading of 1st Samuel, and something struck me with shock.

1 Samuel 15:10-11

Then the Lord said to Samuel,

“I am sorry that I ever made Saul king, for he has again refused to obey me.” Samuel was so deeply moved when he heard what God was saying, that he cried to the Lord all night.

It is said in earlier verses that Jehovah warns His people about a greedy, selfish, biased King (that they wish for so much because other nations have a monarchy type of government and they should too).

Surely God knew what was going to happen when Saul was going to be anointed King, right?

But then..He apologizes to Samuel that he ever made Saul king. The Lord has acknowledged it to be His mistake.

I thought that because of Jehovah’s warnings, the point of Him ever allowing  king to rule afterwards was to prove a point to the Israelites that they don’t need one, and perhaps through Saul’s human mistakes and failures, the Israelites would learn and finally turn back to Jehovah.

It was just another way of God giving them lessons through trials, much like what was written in the book of Judges, where God turns them over to neighboring nations to be defeated, right?

So..why did God apologize,regret and empathize with ever anointing Saul as king?

Based on this verse that threw me off-guard, I observe a few things:

1. It is proven that God is aware and is acknowledging the sentience of human beings, and how they have their own minds and freedom of choice. It also displays His respect thereof.

I used to be convinced that God controls people, and He can force people’s choices and thoughts.

But then it occurs to me that ever since Creation, human beings have displayed an ability to make their own choices. Perhaps God is able to control people and use people, but chooses not to at times.

And, as if He didn’t expect it (for I believe that God knows what we are all thinking or about to do), He mourns over Saul’s disobedience, and takes responsibility for it.

So in that verse, it seems that God is reacting to Saul’s choices; Saul’s own free will. Merely respecting the humans’ freedom of choice, sentience, and individual perception.

I believe Samuel could have also been taken aback by God’s words of apology and empathy for making a mistake.

God..doesn’t control everything..He is also aware that humans (and also angels) have their own minds and are sentient.

His pursuit of human beings are all in the essence of being obsessed with His creations. He goes after their hearts. Which is why He feels sorry for His people, even after years of their repetitive rebellion against God over and over again; and He still attempts to win them back, urging them to return to Him.

With that in mind, it leads me to my next observation:

2. In spite of knowing the disadvantages and failures of trusting a human to be king over all His people, He still grants their request.. out of love.

This observation might as well have answered all my confusions.

Jehovah, in spite of knowing the disabilities and shortcomings of human beings..didn’t say no to the pleas of the Israelites. In spite of knowing that He Himself is the only King they need, He gave in to the requests of His people.

Why? Because He loved them.

He grieved when they suffered under the hands of other nations defeating them, even if He allowed their defeat to happen so that they cry out and return to Him.

He gave them a king (Saul) when they insisted on having one to rule over Israel.

Why does God act like a relentless..suitor?

He has moved mountains..He’s moved heaven and Earth to save, protect, and prove Himself to the Israelites. He made covenants for them, blessing them and leading them to the promised land in order for them to become a great nation. He seems to be obsessed with these people. Trying to woo them, almost courting them. Chasing after their hearts over and over again.

When the covenant is fulfilled, it’s as if He sees Israel as..a disloyal wife. He loves her, but gets angry at how she keeps cheating on Him.

When they turn to other gods, He lets dangers and conquerors to go against them. But then He returns to be full of compassion -- He begins to love them again and deliver them from the enemies once they turn back and seek Him.

Now He sympathizes over how He has anointed an unfit King Saul for them.. apologizing.

As if He’s a lover allowing them to have what they want because they won’t turn to Him..wanting them to just be happy so He gives them a king. Out of love.

What I appreciate about Jehovah’s nature is that He doesn’t necessarily worship or do everything His people want. He also emphasizes on His role as their sovereign God. I think He’s a good example of what love is.

[bkdkology]

A Katsuki Meta

Howdy, I am back on my shit again after Atsushi’s twitter post of Horikoshi’s drafts made me cry for two hours and sleep for three.

Let’s get to it!

While there is obvious symbolism in this draft of Katsuki letting go of his past self, you have to appreciate just how much planning has been dedicated to this series, and how Horikoshi has managed to take a character that could’ve strictly followed a checklist of stereotypes for a hot headed, short tempered deuteragonist and build him to become just as complex and important as the protagonist.

He kept true to the promise he made when the chapter releases were still in the single digits:

Katsuki’s character is one of the easiest to mishandle. He was introduced as a bully, and maintained an explosively vile personality throughout a good chunk of the series. His most obvious traits are the marks of a FOIL to Deku, and he could have well stayed that way and still ended up becoming a good pro, with the usual AHA moment that a deuteragonist like him experiences: a moment where he learns that power isn’t everything.

Except he didn’t have a moment, he had several. He was kidnapped, tossed around, ripped to shreds, challenged, loved, trusted, admired, understood and practically reborn. The fact that he’s managed to stay true to himself after everything means he always had the makings of a great hero in him.

I wouldn’t say I’m a person who’s particularly capable of insane and correct deep level thinking, and on top of that I’m INCREDIBLY EASY to impress. For me it’s like:

You know how Earth needed to be at the exact distance it is from the sun and have the perfect atmosphere to create life? Katsuki’s story is much like that.

If anyone else but Deku had been telling the story, if Deku hadn’t been as persistent, strong willed, and caring as he is, and if everything that happened to Katsuki didn’t happen in the exact order and manner it did, he wouldn’t have been as great as he is now. And while that’s simple enough to say, it’s truly such a beautiful thing to bear witness to.

We’re 300 chapters and nearly 6 years into MHA and we’ve seen.

Katsuki go from refusing to work with others to becoming a great team leader.

His focus has always been on one thing: victory. In almost every situation, he’s had his eye on the win. It wasn’t always the case when Deku was involved, because Deku was so different from him in a way that made him feel threatened. And it’s something that has most likely been on his mind for a long time.

He’s become more comfortable with his vision since his fight with Deku, and it was probably liberating in an emotional sense too. His fight with Deku didn’t just realign and solidify his own views on life, but made him more accepting of himself and absolved him of some of his heaviest insecurities.

Katsuki letting go of his superiority complex to better himself.

In the days leading up to his fight with Deku, he was also fighting an internal battle for “being the reason behind All Might’s end.”

I wouldn’t argue that he was feeling guilty. While it was surely part of it, it shouldn’t be minimized to only guilt. The expressions on his face throughout the fight were incredible, he was angry, frustrated, confused, scared, quite clearly as he claimed, he just didn’t know what the hell he should do, so he fought.

By the time he interned at Endeavor’s agency, he was already well aware that he had faults, which is a huge step for him, and he was beginning the process of pinpointing those faults.

His unwillingness to work with Deku dissolves

After reaching a certain point in the manga, it’s become hard for me to imagine a time when Katsuki full on rejected Deku. In the first few volumes Katsuki got worse before he got better. He was in a comfortable position bullying Deku in middle school, but when he started to experience failure, when he witnessed Deku becoming stronger at a faster rate than him, he couldn’t even enjoy the fact that he was going to school where his favorite role model was teaching.

Now, after everything, Katsuki was opening up to Deku. They started training together to help Deku gain control of OFA. And not just that, Katsuki was invested in the long term. While he shared the secret of OFA with Deku long before anyone else found out about it, he later started to shoulder some of the weight too, and he was good at it.

He called small might out for keeping secrets from Deku, claiming Deku trusted him with his life, but he wasn’t as easily convinced, pointing out a detail in the descriptions of the past users that might’ve gone over Deku’s head. He’s always been brilliant, but now he’s using that brilliance to actively try to become involved with Deku’s burden.

He’s changed in obvious ways, but in subtle ones too.

After so much time, this panel is still really hard to look at. If you’ve ever suffered at the hands of bullies, you probably feel like there’s little satisfaction in their story even though so much has changed between them, there’s still a long way to go, there’s still a huge piece missing. Deku is way too forgiving, I don’t think he ever held anything against Katsuki for the way he treated him in the past. Katsuki is still hard with words, since the last time he bullied Deku, he has never said anything he doesn’t mean.

Katsuki has never been the type to lie. He doesn’t beat around the bush, he doesn’t pretend to be somebody he’s not, and while that part of him hasn’t changed, the way in which he delivers has. His heart has changed, and while I don’t recall a moment where he hasn’t been able to live up to his big claims, his confidence has changed from being used to mask his insecurity, to a healthier confidence that can lead, support, protect, and save.

To think that this moment is the moment that solidified Katsuki’s path to greatness, the fact that his capabilities and brilliance have always made his future bright, he’s gone above and beyond his own expectations of the world and how it works. In the world of scientific journals, there is always a gap in the knowledge of the scientific community, a gap in the understanding of how the world works. When you find that gap, something incredible happens.

He let go of the past. Katsuki, who envisioned a life where he made it big because he knew he could. Katsuki, who was always self driven. Katsuki, who loves the taste of victory. Katsuki, who categorized the world and people around him in terms of power. Katsuki, who believed only the powerful could become strong.

Deku was the one thing in his life that didn’t fit in his picture of the world. To him, his understanding of how the world worked was defined by the strong, the weak, the good and the bad. He couldn’t understand how empathy and vulnerability could make someone strong.

I’m really excited to see where Katsuki goes from here. There’s still so much for him to discover, and he’s so, so close to the end stage of his metamorphosis.

[qm-vox]

So You Want To Play A Fairest

(Portrait of Erin Peters by cantankerousAquarius. The character originally appeared in Night Horrors: Grim Fears, published by White Wolf; catch my take on her in New Avalon)

Previous Articles: So You Want To Play A Beast, So You Want To Play A Wizened, So You Want To Play An Elemental, So You Want To Play An Ogre, & So You Want To Play A Darkling

You ever wonder, flipping through a Monster Manual for D&D, or a Bestiary for Pathfinder, why nymphs and hags are both always, always, women? It’s older than you know. Dig into the sordid history of tabletops and you’ll find sylphs that Gary Gygax wrote, Chaotic charmers who use mind control to reproduce with non-sylph men; you’ll find the legacy of the matriarchal drow, who follow a mad goddess, and you’ll find the medusae, whose sexual dimorphism is so complete that their men are beautiful and can turn stone into people.

Dredge deeper and you’ll find the tales that Gygax and his wretched ilk based such creatures off of.

You ever wonder why we assign such powerful Gender to creatures of beauty and horror?

Fairest don’t. They know, every time they wake up from a nightmare that is also a wet dream. They know, every time they get hit on at the bar and have to decide how they’re playing this. They know, every time they look in a mirror and see not their own face, but the ten thousand horrors that made it beautiful.

If you are very patient, and lucky, and kind, they might tell you why.

If you aren’t, they may show you.

This article draws primarily on Changeling: the Lost and Winter Masques, as well as Swords at Dawn and Night Horrors: Grim Fears. Other sources, when used, will be cited. It requires Content Warnings for sexual violence, sexual slavery, abuse, gaslighting, addiction, substance abuse, self-harm, self-image problems, mentions of fascists & fascist ideology, and just, so very much incel bullshit.

Bonus Material Part Two: The Seeming Part

The end of this article, just past the customary Sample Fairest, will include some additional material intended to help you select a Seeming for your character and otherwise build them up as one of the Lost, much as So You Want To Run A Spring Court included material for Courts as a topic.

Take Me To Wonderland - Fairest Overview

Fairest is the fourth Seeming presented in Changeling: the Lost and possibly the most confused about its own identity. Its sections in Winter Masques present depths and nuance that are completely absent in core, essentially making Winter Masques required reading for Fairest players in a way that no other book is - especially since Fairest keep getting written in a particular way alluded to in the Ogre article, which I will expand on later in this article. Fairest is numerically well-represented in canon and popular in the fanbase, home to many memorable character concepts, but its bones with folklore and tradition are weaker than it fronts as.

Ogres and Darklings claim an innate relationship to physical violence; so too do the Fairest claim a relationship to violence. The violence of Perception and its dark twin, Judgement; of Rumor and its mad dog, Prejudice, the violence of Lies and their merciless master, Truth. Fairest, alone among the Lost, have casual access to the resources of a society that refuses to service or acknowledge Changelings, and with access to that society comes both opportunity and temptation. To be Fairest is to wield power that many other Lost cannot, but the opportunity that power offers is a lie; a Fairest can smile until her face breaks like a mirror, but she’ll never be “sane” enough for the masses to see her as anything but a useful pet.

Life’s Lush Lips - Homecoming As A Fairest

Fairest can make the dubious claim of having the least clear memories of Arcadia amongst all the Lost, with Darklings and Beasts jockeying for second place. This isn’t to say that the experiences Fairest have are necessarily more intense or more inherently traumatic than that of other Lost, but rather that the abuse Fairest suffer is so emotional, so targeted at their perception of their selves and their situations and their self-image, that the memories which do form are inevitably colored by those emotions, coloring the dreams they have of Arcadia with both the emotional resonances they had at the time and with their later attempts to grapple with their own trauma and transformation. For many Fairest, who cannot trust even their strongest memory dreams, attempts to understand their own Durance must rely either on the word of their Keepers (and Faeries lie, oh, how they lie), or on reverse-engineering their own behavior to try and conceive of a trauma that could cause it.

Inevitably, however, some things are seared into their minds. For almost all Fairest, their Keeper is high on the list of things they remember with absolute clarity. Other facts, shattered and scattered, vary more widely. Erin Peters remembers stretched years kept in a cold, dark room lit only by her own hatred; every detail of her cell is scorched onto the back of her eyes, but the otherworldly balls her Keeper took her to blur together like food coloring in syrup. The slaves of the Candle Countess have terrible nightmares of the choices they were confronted with, the decision, offered over and over again, to become complicit in the Countess’s cruelty or to be victimized by it. Metallic Flowering from the Shining City struggle not to use drugs to mimic the rush of pleasure they’ve grown used to receiving for performing their jobs well; they also scream in terror if people touch them. A Draconic and a Shadowsoul both remember being used for the sexual pleasure of alien horrors; the one dreams of coiled scales and terrible teeth, the other a lifetime of lurking in an alien maze, tasked to perform the duties of a living trap for the “wicked” and “unwary” who had not yet shed the last vestiges of kindness.

There are no “wild” Fairest. For worse and worse still, to be Fairest is to have been defined by the inescapable and all-consuming attentions of your abuser, and it is this more than anything that other Lost so often fail to understand about the Fairest. Their Keepers heap them with reward and punishment, manipulating the Fairest with honeyed praise, godly wrath, gaslighting, neglect, withholding food, wondrous rewards, drugs from beyond the realms of earthly pleasure, and other hooks and crooks designed to make the Fairest dependent upon their abuser. It is hideously effective, and the first obstacle, maybe even the mightiest, that a Fairest faces to their escape is the simple horror and joy of being alone again. Their masters will try other tricks to keep them in place - tempting them with pleasures, horrific punishments, oh-so-sincere apologies - but before a Fairest can escape into the Hedge she must face, in her mind’s eye, the lonely flight back to the Iron Lands.

The memories that draw Fairest home often have parallels to their experiences in Arcadia. A slave in the Shining City bites into an otherworldly pastry and recalls her grandmother’s pie in its place; the bride of the Demon Lover, curled up under the sheets, thinks about the broken smile of the boyfriend she left behind at home. A Dancer remembers the roller rink where he fell in love with skating, while across the endless tides of the Fairest of Lands, a Shadowsoul holds on like grim death to years of work at haunted houses, scaring kids for fun and for Halloween. Fairest, so famous for their skill at words, struggle to articulate to other Lost why this should be so. Darklings assume it’s because these memories are less intense than Arcadia, and that the Fairest are fleeing to safety. Beasts get it a bit more right by thinking that these memories taste like home. The truth of the matter is that those memories have an intrinsic and nameless meaning; the highs and lows of Arcadia are divine, flawless, absolute, and therefore worthless. They are the proclamations of merciless gods. What draws the Fairest home, more than pain and pleasure they can have on their own terms, is the understanding that those gestures - for weal or for woe or for anything else besides - were made because someone cared about them, personally. Once they fully internalize that their abuser views them as disposable, the Fairest comes home to someone who won’t.

Three Kiths And Flowering Is One And A Half Of Them - Fairest Kiths

Yeah we’re about to be like that about it.

All Fairest can excel in the social arena; their Blessing can be used to flare almost every social roll in the game, and Fairest can never be caught off-guard in a social context (they suffer no untrained penalties to social rolls). With the sole exception of Empathy (usually rolled with Wits) and sometimes Streetwise, there’s no time a Fairest can’t fall back on their words and expect to win through or at least buy time. This is, as you might imagine, a godsend when it comes to attempts to pass in mortal society; Fairest can usually front, charm, bluff, or Manners(tm) their way through things like renting an apartment, nailing a job interview, asking their roommate to do the FUCKING DISHES, or getting stopped by a cop, but both the books and the fanbase miss something here. While Fairest are superb at active social events, they’re no better at keeping a lid on themselves (Composure-based rolls) than mortals are - and given both the nature of their trauma and the fact that they are, you know, Lost, Fairest have a lot more to keep a lid on day-to-day than the human society they’re trying to blend into. Thankfully, Fairest are pretty good at being able to politely leave a situation and go somewhere else to scream, shout, cry, or have a psychotic break, as appropriate.

Of course, Fairest can’t make something from nothing. As discussed in So You Want To Play An Ogre, you can’t win a social game someone else refuses to sit down to, and social rolls shouldn’t be mind control. All the Glamour in the world can’t make your roommate do the FUCKING DISHES if they’re deep in the throes of executive dysfunction, nor can it make the cashier at Walgreens fail to card you for wine when their computer literally won’t advance without an ID. People who are keyed up about honeyed words or whose own trauma came at the hands of manipulators and abusers might refuse to play that game on the terms the Fairest is setting, which makes it hard to, as it were, turn this problem into a nail. Lurking down this path as well is the specter of becoming like the masters who made you this way; if you get used to saying what will get people to listen to you, eventually you start seeing people as enrichment puzzles that dispense the things you want. Madness waits down that road, and it waits for Fairest with a giant spiked bat, thanks to their Seeming Curse.

There’s no pretty way to say this so I won’t: Fairest are always on the verge of losing their minds. Their curse hits them with a flat penalty to all rolls against losing Clarity, which means that Fairest lose Clarity faster than other Lost and they do so more consistently. This necessitates a balancing act with avoiding becoming heartless manipulators; Fairest must engage in control-seeking behavior in order to stay mentally well, must be able to trust and rely on people close to them, structure their lives, and anticipate important changes or they end up on the fast way down. Other Lost often don’t understand this need or the Fairest curse to begin with, and so Fairest end up in unofficial support groups for one another, similar to those run by Darklings except no one will admit it’s a support group even at gunpoint. Woe fucking betide the friend or life partner who gets between a Fairest and her “book club”, “girls’ night”, “D&D campaign”, or other excuse for this vital community support.

Fairest Kiths are...bad. They’re bad. This is the part of the article where I’m supposed to talk about thematics and symbolism and metaphor, and I cannot do that here, because they are bad. Fairest has three viable Kiths that are actual Fairest Kiths, one that’s a Beast Kith who got lost and wound up here by fucking mistake, and a pile of garbage bigger than my self-esteem problems. I’m almost tempted to only talk about those four Kiths and save myself the time but I suppose I should show the work like I’ve done for all the other Seemings, so here we fuckin’ go I guess.

Flowering - This is it. This is the Fairest Kith. If you want to roll any other kind of Fairest you must first pass the trial of justifying why you’re not playing Flowering. In theory, Flowering draws its mythic heritage from nymphs and dryads, charming flower sprites, Knights of Flowers, and the like, but in practice Flowering’s only mechanical effect is 9-again on Persuasion, Socialize, and Subterfuge with no qualification or requirement, which doesn’t just make you better at everything Fairest is good at, it makes you better when you spend Glamour to flare it too. Want to represent a biobahn sith’s hypnotic dance? Flowering works. Want to create a vampiric Fairest with a sultry voice? Here comes Flowering. The siren at the bar who smells like sea air and gunpowder? Flowering. Everything is Flowering. Even the things that aren’t Flowering are Flowering because all Fairest Kiths have a social focus, which is Flowering’s undisputed arena of mastery.

Bright One - In theory, Bright Ones represent beings of light in the vein of Victorian fey (which...ugh...Victorians), but their Goblin Illumination is, how you say, useless, only becoming vaguely useful for a total of 2 Glamour as a passive defense that took you 2 turns to set up. Anything you want to represent here can be found in Flowering and with Elements or Communion (Light).

Dancer - You know how Flowering gives you bonuses on all social rolls? Would you like those same bonuses but on 1 less skill and only on rolls that “involve physical grace”? No? Run Flowering here and give your character a Dance specialty in one or more skills.

Draconic - One of the game’s premier melee options and a Beast Kith who took a wrong turn and ended up getting a free makeover intended for someone else. Draconic in theory represents Fairest as dragons, monster girls, demons, and in general at their most physical, but that idea sorta...falls down a bit? Draconic’s bonuses are all about Brawl and all the sample Draconics are swordsmen, which might suggest to the discerning reader that someone in the office wasn’t reading their own fucking game. Draconic Fairest don’t make bad melee boys if you invest in Lethal Mien, but honestly this is Dual Kith bait; slap it on your Hunterheart or your Razorhand and go apeshit.

Muse - Close but no cigar. In theory Muses are, well, muses; figures of inspiration, mentorship, teaching, creative fire. Their Kith Blessing is strong but requires access to mortals, which is complicated and roundabout on the best of days. If you have an idea that you think is Muse-shaped, use Playmate instead.

Flamesiren - Behold, we enter the realm of Okay(tm). Flamesirens are what Bright Ones wanted to be, and their hypnotic aura is actually a pretty neat tool; with cunning you can make it a one-sided penalty, and even if you don’t it’s an interesting method of de-escalating a social or combat situation by subjecting everyone to the tar pit that is your presence. If your concept involves light and color and you’re resistant to Flowering, Flamesiren will do more than nothing.

Polychromatic - Polychromatics don’t have a lot of roots in mythology; their modern inspirations are, well, Manic Pixie Dream Girls. But they get a shout-out here for being the only Fairest Kith who can muster up decent emotional defenses; not only can they magically boost their Composure rolls (and non-Composure rolls to resist magical and mundane emotional attacks for that matter), but others get a flat penalty to Empathy rolls against them, which makes them talented dissemblers. You’re still probably better off with Flowering - in a world of passive Kith Blessings, Polychromatic’s is extra passive - but I can see this Kith passing muster, and even being worth the two dots to Dual Kith in-house.

Shadowsoul - This one’s insane. Ostensibly Fairest Does Darkling, Shadowsouls get their Wyrd to Intimidate rolls which could be the whole Kith on its own and still be worth the slot, but in addition to that they get 9-again on Subterfuge (matching Flowering and Darklings there) and access to Contracts of Darkness, one of the most powerful in the game line, as an Affinity Contract. Is your Fairest spooky? Would you like them to be spooky? Here’s your one-stop shop.

Telluric - This is a Kith made of ribbon bonuses. In theory related to stars and celestial light, Telluric’s bonuses to rolls “with precise timing” isn’t...really worth considering. Run ‘em as Flamesiren and move on.

Treasured - In theory also able to muster emotional defenses, Treasured are Fairest who are literally made into works of art. They’re Okay(tm) but in their niche are beaten out by Polychromatic with a better effect for less resources.

Playmate - The last Real Fairest Kith(tm), Playmate appears in Night Horrors: Grim Fears where White Wolf tries to sell it as Peter Pan, but its powerful team-oriented bonuses mean that Playmates are useful anywhere Muse is wanted and more places besides. The front woman of an indie rock band could be a Playmate; so too could be an idealized baseball captain, the director at your local theater, the middle manager of a sinister conspiracy, or the night shift lead at a research lab. Do people do a thing in teams? Playmate does that thing.

And She Had Huge Titties, I Mean Massive Badondadonks, Absolutely Enormous Bazoggahoggas - Lost’s Canon Fairest

Remember when I said we had to get back to this after So You Want To Play An Ogre? Now we’re getting back to this. I’m not gonna re-state my caveats from that article and I’m not really gonna go back over the bit about So White Wolf Was Run By Fucking Nazis because, in all honesty, I do not have the fucking time to restate all of that in new words. Give thanks that OPP got out alive and let’s get right down to it.

Fairest have a very consistent characterization in canon that is only really challenged in Winter Masques; the narrative put forth in Lost is that Fairest, being attractive, have an uncomplicated power which privileges their lives. Which is a rather bloodless way to describe how White Wolf kept writing and publishing Fairest as heartless abusers and manipulators getting their jollies and emotional needs met by casually destroying their fellow survivors, manipulating them through sex appeal, outright lies, cattiness, cruelty, and betrayal. Much as simply queering Ogre does not help Ogre in and of itself, queering Fairest only takes you from incel and Nazi propaganda about women into...incel and Nazi propaganda about twinks, femmes, & in general anyone with the temerity to be found attractive by straight white people.

I’m not bitter, you’re bitter.

So what do you do at your table, with your Fairest concept? Lemme open up by saying that like, Fairest qua Fairest is perfectly solid, and if it wasn’t there wouldn’t be an article here; Fairest has a lot to say for itself about feminized violence, about your personhood being reduced to a product for the consumption of others, about emotional abuse & neglect, gaslighting, and sexual assault, but the conclusion White Wolf arrives at (”Fairest have unalloyed power over mortal and Lost society and they abuse that power”) is super fucking obtuse and betrays a serious lack of concern for what the Fairest undergo. It ignores the way a Fairest’s ordeals will force her to confront her relationship to her own gender and alter her willingness and ability to be consumed, disconnect her from her former society while also isolating her from her new one, and these questions are important for you if you’re looking to play a ‘classic’ Fairest.

But that leaves some hanging questions. Male Fairest face the almost inescapable fate of “failing” maleness on patriarchal terms; even the most strapping, broad-chested, athletic Adonis of a Fairest has become a man of layered words and reflexive empathy, whose Manly Stoicism(tm) is a cracking facade at best and entirely abandoned in a more typical circumstance. Men who become Fairest thus face a second journey after their escape from Arcadia; confronting what being men means to them and building their gender identity back up from the rubble it’s become. The temptation to accept success on society’s terms is always going to be present, and it’s always going to be offered like it’s possible, but it’s a losing game for these Fairest; they simply cannot be the men that other men demand they become.

Now, the discerning and loyal reader is surely about to ask, hey Vox, where’s the butch Fairest I was promised back in the Ogre article, to which I respond WE’RE GETTING THERE but I gotta use this as a bridge to talk about something that cuts across Fairest of all genders, be they cis or trans. Lost 1e makes a lot of hay out of the idea that Fairest “are rarely conventionally attractive”, and core even provides some interesting written concepts for that...which make it into exactly none of the art. Every published Fairest is conventionally attractive for various definitions of conventional, be it as a supermodel or a waif, but that leaves the question of Fairest who genuinely are not - and, tragically, Fairest who were not, and were then made into someone more easily consumed by their Durance. You know what I’m about to say, and I know you know I’m about to say it, but I’m gonna say it anyway: all bodies are beautiful, but Fairest know well that beauty and attraction aren’t the same, and neither are beauty and happiness. All Fairest, from the roundest bear to the most wide-eyed waif, are the products of Keepers who valued their bodies in that state, and that idea is going to haunt them day in and day out for the rest of their extended lives. There is no such thing as a Fairest with an uncomplicated relationship to their body, and that White Wolf seems to think that an uncomplicated relationship is their default state is...disgusting, frankly.

Which brings us, at long last, to butch Fairest (also bear Fairest but I’m gonna stick with the one set of terms or I’m going to go mad and this will never be published), who have a complicated journey ahead of them. On the one hand, the assertion of control and ownership over their own bodies, their own identities, cannot be overstated. On the other hand, elements of those bodies are going to be completely out of their control; a nascent butch Fairest may well hit the gym to get swole only to discover that she literally, physically cannot, that she has been Assigned Dex Build At Durance. Hauling your corpse out of Arcadia with an extremely feminine appearance shaped by your Keeper might complicate attempts to present in a more masculine manner or even just to appear androgynous, and those complications can be discouraging. For those that stick to it, this journey will take them two places; one is the bared-teeth, bloody-knuckled assertion that this life is theirs and you can have it if you can fucking take it, and the other is into the ranks of the Freehold’s retained warriors, usually in Summer or Autumn, though a vibrant representation of Spring knights will make it seem as if Spring has more butch Fairest than it actually does. These Fairest are aware, or will become aware, of how much of their job involves de-escalating or pre-empting violence; a focus on Physical stats or skills is not necessarily common, but hyper-specialization therein likely is. A butch Fairest is a lot more likely to have, say, Brawl 4 (Multiple Opponents) and no other Physical skills than she is to have Brawl, Weaponry, Athletics, and Stealth, in part or in whole because her first weapon of choice is going to be an Intimidate roll.

At every turn you’re able to, challenge White Wolf’s narrative about Fairest by asking yourself what your Fairest wants, why they’re this way, what they’re frightened of, and how the way they behave relates back to these. They’re not products; they’re people, just as hurt and Lost as the rest of their peers.

Princesses And Pastries - Fairest In The Courts

Fairest have a complex relationship to the society of their fellow Lost. On the one hand, they have the same need for community, support, companionship, understanding, honesty, and material aid as all Lost; a Fairest is not magically proof against being homeless, against starving, against the dangers of existing in the modern world without things like a photo ID or car insurance, and Freeholds provide all of these things. On the other hand, the thing most Fairest fear most, even if they can’t articulate that fear, is their own power - social influence, emotional trust and betrayal, status, political power, and authority. Fairest are all too aware that being good at this game does not make them immune to it - after all, that’s the lesson they learned at the hands of their Keepers.

What follows from this is a complex dance of interactions that each Fairest in some ways has to feel like she’s managing on her own, even if she’s not (and she rarely is; those support groups exist for a reason). If you give a Fairest a doughnut in a social setting, she will lick that doughnut even if she doesn’t intend to eat it right away, solely to hear someone else say something along the lines of “well it’s yours now”. As Fairest filter into Freehold society and take up social roles at all levels of power - officers, messengers, ‘ambassadors’ to mortal society, secretaries, pledge-smiths, teachers, monarchs - their responsibilities and rewards become their doughnut. That Fairest make a big deal out of both their job and the benefits that come with it is rarely, as other Lost sometimes think, about aggrandizement or reveling in power for its own sake; it’s about the sheer relief and assurance of hearing someone say, to the Fairest’s face, that this is her doughnut and no one is going to take it from her.

Younger Fairest tend to flit between two or three Courts; their initial selection may be based entirely on friendships, Vibes, or a gut-check decision based on an initial pitch by that Court, and Fairest can go quite far even in a Court that doesn’t quite actually fit their needs. Eventually, though, those Fairest who survive their youth will gravitate towards a Court whose ideals speak to them, even if its current social order isn’t living up to those ideals. If they’re going to be condemned to live as exiles in the world of their birth, the Fairest can at least be the person she wants to be, god damn it. Fairest aren’t any more or less vulnerable to a toxic Court environment than other Lost, but they’re good at detecting it beforehand. Unfortunately they’re also good at telling themselves they can change it.

Spring - Though early Spring joiners are of course rare in general, Fairest are among those Lost who more commonly choose Spring as a first Court. Spring’s highly social focus and chaotic internal organization is almost tailor-made for the skill set of your average Fairest, but therein too lies a sense of threat; for many Fairest, Spring can remind them of their Durance, and their joining of the Court is as much motivated by fear of a powerful cultural body as it is by any genuine Desire, maybe even more so. Many such Fairest end up caught in Spring’s middle-road trap, spinning their wheels without recovering or worsening more or less until they finally die, but when Autumn can sniff out the fearful ones it puts a lot of work into cooperating with Spring to get them out and where they can be helped.

Summer - More Fairest dabble with Summer for dreams of glory, or because they want to believe in Summer’s apolitical sales pitch, than ultimately stick with Summer. Those that do stay often serve as officers, as the Sun’s Tongue or the Arrayer of Distant Thunder, and as Court sorcerers. Fairest skilled in Contracts of Separation can make for surprising Jaegers, hounding their prey down more like a private investigator or a serial killer than a traditional hunter, but while striking this is fairly rare. Fairest who stick with Summer are those who are looking for its high ideals and are often among those rare Summer Courtiers who can competently articulate both those ideals and their pitfalls without falling prey to cynicism and bitterness.

Autumn - For those Fairest who hurt others to feel safe, Autumn is waiting. The Leaden Mirror can be attractive to young Fairest because it’s easy to perceive Autumn as atomized, defined by personal relationships rather than webs of political influence, but when the Fairest discovers those webs the existence of Option Two: Resort To Violence as an acceptable tool to the Ashen Court is perversely reassuring rather than threatening. The image of the Fairest as a witch, tempting and threatening, clings to them in Autumn but it’s honestly not their most common role; Autumn employs its Fairest as rumor-mongers, the Other Woman who seems a little too familiar with your husband, therapists & counselors, oneiromancers, and ambassadors to Hedge communities. The work Autumn does is harsh on Clarity, and Fairest are especially vulnerable to that harshness, but if the Court invests the time in helping its Fairest members, the self-awareness and self-confidence it offers can be a godsend that no other Court can give them.

Winter - As the Court which is actually selling what Fairest think Autumn has - to wit, the ability to simply say “no” to all social interactions with no justification required - Winter has a strong undercurrent of Fairest membership at all tiers of its power. Fairest often end up directly involved in Winter’s money-making enterprises, and flourish as Squires and Armigers with their fingers on the pulse of the Court’s morale. Winter’s hands-off approach displays a tremendous amount of trust in its Fairest from their perspective, and the demeanor of the Coldest Court - Winter’s indifferent equality - has a potent, merciless appeal. The trap of drowning in Sorrow sucks more than a few Fairest under, but if their peers can be there for them there’s always a way back out.

This Is Not A Pipe - Fairest And Lost’s Themes

My many thanks to Izzie M for her extensive help on this section. I’m not sure I’d have been able to grapple it down, emotionally or intellectually, otherwise.

Fairest go through some intense shit, and the shit they go through can never fully be addressed, never fully be recovered from. It’s no mistake that Fairest, like Wizened, are among those Lost likely to never fully gain resolution with or from their Keeper, and this is because they embody the dark truth that no matter how much progress you make, how much you heal, your trauma has changed who you are as a person and you will be dealing with it until you die. But, as alluded to extensively above in the discussion of Fairest and gender, Fairest also embody the way in which society will attempt to stamp you, mold you, turn you into a product to be consumed or an archetype to be placed into its churning machine, and its attempts to reshape who and what you are and can be are, in themselves, a form of trauma and abuse.

Fairest deal a lot in expectations. They’re expected to be perfect victims, they’re expected to be happy (because they’re beautiful and attractive, because they can front as Doing Okay, because they have a form of access to ‘normal’ society), they’re expected to want romance and sex (since everyone else wants those things out of them), to perform emotional labor, to be available, intimate, understanding, to keep up appearances. Fairest escape the chains of their Keeper only to be clapped in the chains that extend into the eyes and minds of their peers, and they cannot move without hearing the clink of them.

Fairest are primed to represent victims of ongoing emotional abuse and neglect; sex slaves and victims of child abuse might find themselves in Fairest, as might husbands or wives of abusive partners (and boy, re-living my bullshit there was a bonus prize I didn’t want to receive for writing this article), children pushed to over-achieve (here overlapping with Elemental) until they break, pastor’s daughters and cult kids (here overlapping with Beast), and others. However, Fairest also hit their thematic stride when talking about trauma from a society that will not give you an exit. A trans person is first punished by society for “failing” to perform their assigned gender, then made to perform their new one to expectations that they cannot set, do not control, and do not consent to; such a person might easily be Fairest, as might a man breaking under the expectations of Maleness, a college student losing their mind in finals week with no one to help, or even more ‘ordinary’ sex workers expected to perform emotional and physical labor for a society that rewards their work with violence and dehumanization.

Fairest are people with complex internal worlds and they damn well know it, but the temptations to let others define them are numerous; society promises all manner of rewards for being who and what it wants you to be, for wanting the things it tells you to want, for being the kind of person who wants and does those things. To be Fairest is to know at any time you can start faking it and receive those rewards insofar as they’re actually on the table, but it is also to know, every second of every day that you’re performing that role, that it is fake. If you can’t find a community with which you can be genuine...well. You can always get more hurt, and in this way Fairest also bring another theme of Lost into focus: that the Lost owe compassion and understanding to their fellow victims, because failure to care can only hurt both them and everyone in their blast zone.

Feet Pics For Legos - Coping As A Fairest

Fairest are among those Lost who are most concerned with their day-to-day social interactions and safety rather than their immediate, very physical environmental safety. They are perhaps the Seeming most likely to live in a group setting (in an apartment with roommates or romantic partners, in a house shared between multiple households, splitting the bills in a condo, with their parents), and are definitely the Seeming most comfortable with the idea of living with mortals who aren’t ensorcelled. Indeed, Fairest don’t tend to do well living alone; even a Fairest who wants or needs a private place to be, choosing to keep a home in which others cannot lay a claim, will likely crash at friends’ places, sleep over at the Freehold commons on some pretext or another, stay the night with a lover, or otherwise have a place to flop down while surrounded by other people. Having other people - their greatest reality check - around the place helps keep the Fairest centered in the real reality, better able to pick apart the mortal from the Wyrd from their own unrelated hallucinations, and a Fairest who is isolated - or who is permitted to isolate herself - quickly begins to dissociate and may soon be incapable of caring for herself until someone can get her back into the present.

Those invited over as guests to a Fairest’s home may note a lot of concern for those she lives with. She likely schedules the event well in advance, is clear about the boundaries of those she lives with (”That’s Brenda’s room, the door stays shut.”) and in general treats her communal home with a lot of respect and love. Respecting these boundaries and in turn having her own respected is very validating for the Fairest and is vital to be able to feel safe and at ease in her own home, and impressing their importance on guests further reinforces that this is, as it were, her doughnut. While not dismissive of their own literal physical safety per se, a Fairest’s anxieties rarely center around her body being violently attacked by strangers. For those that do have such anxieties, they may choose to solve that problem by simple expedient of rooming or living with someone large and scary.

Another detail of note which is touched on in Winter Masques is that Fairest tend to seek out life’s little pleasures. Though they are not necessarily wealthier than other Lost, how a Fairest chooses to spend her money tends to follow particular patterns. Rare is the Fairest who doesn’t have clothing they like, a phone that works, a wallet or purse that can actually hold all of their stuff, and in this regard most Fairest without a special interest in fashion as a hobby in and of itself will have an aesthetic that is self-expressive but serviceable and hard-wearing, but any place the Fairest haunts, frequents, or lives in will get little touches everywhere. Fairest spend the little bits of extra money for good toilet paper, soft soaps that won’t hurt the skin, good shower supplies, high-quality razors, boots that won’t wear through - and they spend their serious money on their hobbies and preferences. A Fairest with a passion for cooking scrimps and saves to get a fully-stocked kitchen; a Fairest who likes building and connecting invests in Legos or Hot Wheels and creates elaborate environments for them. A gamer Fairest has headphones that can vibrate your constipation away and a fiber optic connection to ensure that lag will not stand between her and your doom. The reasons for this are manifold, and Lost’s canon writing suggests that Fairest seek pleasure to alleviate a desire to return to Arcadia. This is, to put it mildly, a stupid assertion; rather, the Fairest provides her own pleasures in part because it is one of the most emotionally clear ways to lick the doughnut, and in part because it reminds her that she can be happy under her own power, can seek pleasure, stimulation, engagement, without placing herself at another’s mercy - ironically making it easier to go out every day and do exactly that as a member of her various societies.

As a Fairest settles in she tends to look for “her” people, and quite often they’re good at compartmentalizing this, wearing different hats and having different feelings about those hats without feeling fake or distressed about the bare fact of that. She’ll have her personal friends and family, like her housemates, her girlfriend, maybe her mortal family, her neighbors, and then folks like her Motley (which are like her personal friends and family, but In The Know), her fellow Fairest and the Freehold broadly, her work friends and fellow hobbyists. A Fairest who does, say, sex work, thinks of herself as a Sex Worker and understands herself in the context of that broader social group. It can be a lot! Many Lost barely have a handle on being a member of both the Freehold and a Court, and the way Fairest flit to and fro between many communities, slipping seamlessly from one role to another, can be exhausting to watch - but by doing so the Fairest also builds bonds between those communities, highlights their common needs and interests, draws them together over their similarities and strengths. Darklings and Wizened get a lot of the work on the ground done, but it’s often a Fairest in the role of whistleblower, figurehead, and champion all at once.

After all, this, too, is her doughnut.

Example Fairest - Clara Belltower, Spring Playmate

Clara Belltower is a mime.

Well, no, not exactly. Clara Belltower is a self-employed porn actress, erotic script writer, and director, whose primary thing is mimes, clowns, and more broadly circuses and performance venues. She came back from Arcadia eight years back fleeing life as her Keeper’s Stepford Wife, and ran face-first into the money issues that haunt the Lost in general. What started out as a practical choice in new career - and an attempt to find and express an identity not created for her by her abuser - became a creative passion that has stayed strong with Clara and propelled her to status in the Spring Court, which retains her keen eye for decoration, direction, and theatricality in service to its high rituals and revels. Clara’s livestreams and online presence are also a convenient avenue for the Freehold to launder its less legal revenue streams, which has endeared Spring’s “silent siren” to the Winter Court and cemented her as a mover and shaker.

Clara’s ambitions reach beyond erotic miming, as talented as she is at both creating and purveying such. She has her eyes on four different strip clubs in Freehold territory alone whose owners and operators need to fucking go, and she wants Winter’s help making it happen; further, she wants the Freehold to take over operation of those establishments for the benefit of the workers. Clara’s vision is popular in Spring and has its supporters in Summer too, but the Declining Seasons have been cool on the concept, citing a need to maintain subtlety and avoid entanglements with the mortal world that might invite the eye of, say, the IRS - or mire the Freehold in a protracted war with local police departments. Clara’s passion burns with a righteous simplicity, envisioning a Freehold that is active in improving the city around it - if the cops want to throw down, bring it on! Her influence over Winter means the Coldest Court cannot simply dismiss her desires, but neither is it willing to go to war. Something is going to have to give, soon.

This concludes the Fairest portion of the article. Some additional thoughts on Seeming follow.

Bombing Your Own Position - Choosing Your Seeming

So it’s been six articles and I’ve talked about the ways various Seemings can represent responses to the things which traumatize us; neurodivergences for which society abuses us, the machinery of capitalism, violence, prison, and more. But how do you go about choosing your character’s Seeming? The obvious choice is to make a character that puts a lot of yourself at the table; to seek out a Seeming that reflects your own traumas, your own issues, your own anxieties and struggles, and then grapple with them in this fictional context. But RPGs can be an emotionally challenging medium, and you may well not want to deal with your own bullshit during your magic trauma fairy game. That’s valid!

Now, the second obvious piece of advice is to think about your proposed character’s themes and traumas and then select a Seeming from there, but this can get complicated. Many Lost players feel as if they need two Seemings, and to those players I say: no the fuck you do not. But it is true that people are messy and do not fully resolve, that the broad spectrum of the world of sorrow and loss is not easy to fit into 6 discrete categories whose creation was often managed by, not to keep repeating this point, fucking Nazis. I have found in my experience that it can be helpful, when you’re torn between two Seemings or you have a character you’re sure is this Seeming even though they look like or could be that one, to ask yourself why the character is not the other option. Why is this alluring and sensual Darkling not a Fairest, what makes this brutal and violent Wizened not an Ogre? This question naturally leads to others about their abuse and their reaction to it, and can start your momentum for writing your concept out.

As an addition, while I’ve spoken of various Seemings as being well-equipped to represent specific traumas, they don’t own those traumas. Elementals are metaphorically autistic, but there’s nothing stopping you from running an autistic Fairest or an autistic Beast instead. Rather, those Seemings outlined as being “for” or “about” certain traumas are those whose selection will make those traumas thematically central, cause you to return to them as a topic over and over by virtue of being who and what they are. Real people have complicated problems which intersect with one another, spawning new problems that are more strange than the sum of their parts, and it’s both valid and interesting to write your Lost that way - just keep in mind that it’ll still be complicated at the table too.

Van Helsing Hate Crimes - Seeming Politics

White Wolf spent a lot of time waffling back and forth on whether or not Seemings represent distinct cultural and political identities in a given Freehold, drifting towards ‘yes’ when the writers thought about the way Blessings and Curses create consistent, measurable differences between Lost of various Seemings, and towards ‘no’ generally whenever they were asked to actually outline a Lost society such as a sample Freehold or Entitlement. Some Entitlements are locked to specific Seemings, often times with little thought as to why, while other times Seeming-based power blocs are alluded to as worldbuilding elements (such as in Lords of Summer) without much in the way of supporting detail. Why should these things happen, when, how, what does the buildup of this violent fracture in a Freehold society look like?

On the whole, I have taken the stance in these articles and in my own worldbuilding that some amount of fantastical prejudice exists amongst the Lost, but that the systems of oppression have not taken root. Maybe it’s idealistic of me to view the Lost as unwilling or unable to produce internally racist power structures that create an underclass for the benefit of an appointed elite, but in general I feel as if Freeholds are too small, each individual member too precious by simple dint of being a living being in a physical body, for this kind of evil to flourish. That said, you may have also noticed that I identified two Seemings - Darklings and Fairest - as explicitly self-uniting and in some senses self-governing on the basis of common traumas that they often cannot fully explain to outsiders, and indeed community with people that understand your bullshit without you having to say it aloud - that is, those who share a Seeming with you - can be invaluable to all Lost. Ultimately, however, I want to advise against looking at Seemings the way that, say, Vampire: the Requiem looks at Clans, and instead to treat them as reactions to trauma rather than a kind of alternate racial identity.

Next up: So You Need To Write A Fetch

[mira--mira]

Hi! I was wondering

How do you think Hashirama and Madara would be in a Road to Ninja version?

I remember once reading a Hashimada fic (which I never finished RIP) that was about Madara appearing in the RTN universe and the 3 things that stucked with me were:

1.- Madara was the first Hokage (something that Madara thought was horrible when he saw his sculpted face on the Hokage mountain 🤣)

And personally I think that it would not have been like that even in the RTN universe because we didn't see his face along with the other faces of Hokages in the movie (Yeah, apparently I'm basing myself on a movie which I'm not even sure if it's canon or not, even though Kishimoto wrote it) and the RTN characters didn't seem to even know who Madara is.

2.- Hashirama having his bowlcut as an adult

And I agree with the Madara from that fanfic, it looks awful on him. Hashirama, babe, I'm sorry but the only ones who can rock that style are Guy Sensei and Rock Lee, I know you just were trying to be cool but it doesn't suite you.

3.- Tobirama was a porn writer

Instead of being a fan of forbidden jutsu and creating justus, he wrote porn novels a la Jiraiya. And I'll hold that headcanon with my dead hands.

The only other fanfic that places the founders in the RTN universe is one where the protagonist is Mito (it's an interesting one-shot that pairs her with Itama 🤔)

She was kind of a shy person 🤔? And so it was Tobirama 🤣 which I found fun.

Hashirama, as the first fanfic I mentioned, was the Tobirama of the place (saddenly Madara wasn't in this fic).

So I would like to know what are your versions of the founders (or only Hashirama and Madara if it is too much) in the RTN universe! And how do you think things would be

Hmm, RTN is an interesting concept to me but, to be honest, I don't think Konoha would exist if a lot of personalities got flipped 😂 I haven't read any RTN fics with the founders, but if you, or anyone else, have links at hand I'd love to check them out 👀

1. Madara

Here's the big one and the crux of why I don't think the village would exist. Typically I characterize Madara as an extremely responsible man who internalizes things when he shouldn't, takes himself way too seriously, is aggressive and abrasive even to people he loves sometimes, but genuinely loves the people closest too him. Reversing this would make a character that slacks off, takes no responsibility, and is completely passive in life and has fleeting attachments to others around him. Assuming he wouldn't die on the battlefield, I could see the RTN "alternate" personality coming about of Madara's being so overpowered and competent that he loses interest and distances himself from things before he can get attached and lose them.

It makes building a village very hard though. (At first I was tempted to go RTN Sasuke route and maybe RTN!Madara is a little more openly flirty than canon!Madara, but the passivity and refusal to take responsibility would be the "core" qualities for me.)

2. Hashirama

Hashirama is a bit weird because he has a lot of surface-level "conflicting" traits in canon. He is optimistic but he pushes beyond his natural attitude and uses it as a mask to hide instead of addressing his feelings. He's mischievous, likes jokes and games, and can be a bit hedonistic with his pleasure but can equally be serious when necessary and will willingly sacrifice for others around him. And simultaneously, Hashirama and Madara are connected by a shared sense of idealism but also anger. Hashirama is a very kind, but extremely angry, man. I think a RTN!Hashirama would share a kind of apathy of RTN!Madara but instead of passivity his lack of anger would manifest as cruelty. Because canon!Hashirama is angry but his anger is usually a righteous kind. I don't think RTN!Hashirama would go out of his way to be cruel, but he doesn't have the empathy of canon!Hashirama, especially to others' suffering. He enjoys fighting just a bit too much and has no qualms about killing. In his mind, he should always come first in any situation and prioritizing (or even considering) others' is effort and him going out of his way to be "nice" and the other should be thankful. Similarly if he feels any negative emotion, he won't bottle it up and swallow it down, he'll immediately address it, usually confrontationally. RTN!Hashirama is as intelligent as his canon counterpart but he doesn't suffer fools and he hates it when people underestimate him. He's pretty proud and vain, tbh.

I really don't think the above would make him the "Tobirama" of RTN verse. To me Hashirama and Tobirama have different core values and perspectives and inverting Hashirama's doesn't make it become Tobirama's, if that makes sense. This one is also wordy bc I immediately knew how RTN!Madara would be RTN!Hashirama is a bit harder to pin down. But I hope it's clear why I have doubts about the village existing...maybe if RTN!Hashirama got it in his mind as a pet project for the hell of it, that he'd be a better leader for the country and not just the Senju alone, and RTN!Madara liked the idea of no responsibility and being able to detach even further than he already was? But that's still kind of grasping for a reason.

3. Hashimada

Equally I think any Hashirama/Madara relationship would be ehhh. They definitely wouldn't have the overwhelming bond of their canon counterparts, and it could be a relationship ripe for unhappiness. The closest I can think of to making the ship work is RTN!Madara would be drawn to Hashirama's absurd level of self-confidence and able to let the casual cruelty slide off instead of getting worked up about it. In a way RTN!Hashirama is stable and predictable. If he's pretty overpowered, there's less of a chance RTN!Madara would lose him, so their relationship isn't deep but it's more or less dependable and Madara knows exactly what he's going to get. In contrast RTN!Hashirama has an audience in the form of RTN!Madara and a partner that's not going to push back against his ideas. RTN!Madara doesn't ask for much and he doesn't complain when RTN!Hashirama puts himself first. He doesn't want, or might not be capable of, the deep emotional bond their canon counterparts have. RTN!Madara wouldn't leave Konoha (if it existed) in the AU, because he doesn't really care. If someone upset RTN!Hashirama and he decided to leave to 'do it right' RTN!Madara would probably follow, maybe out of some loyalty for RTN!Hashirama but mostly because it's what's easiest.

4. Tobirama

The core of Tobirama's character to me is prioritizing logic over emotion and both a conscious and unconscious failure to realize he can't completely eliminate emotion. Tobirama loves his brother, he's curious and has a desire to find out what makes things work and is willing to bend morality to get results if it'll serve a greater good. He's very aware of the unfairness of the world but believes it's an unspoken truth of humanity and can only be mitigated through logical means, but never completely erased. He'll be the sacrificial lamb, the one that works in shadows so his brother can have his utopian dream. Despite everything, he loves his genin, the strongest bonds he has aside from Hashirama, and does try to instill in them lessons he think will help them and lead to peace and stability in the village. He's still influenced by the prejudices of his time and can never find it in him to truly forgive the Uchiha.

A RTN!Tobirama would be a man ruled by emotion. Him writing erotica all day definitely could be one way this manifests lol. But overall he's sensitive and spiritual and can't stand the idea of killing. He and RTN!Hashirama don't get along and he actively tries to avoid his brother. RTN!Tobirama has equally strong principles as canon!Tobirama, but they're pacifist in nature and while he likes his studies, he prefers to be out talking to people and learning from them first hand. He's very naive and can be easily taken advantage of and he has trouble focusing on any one thing for too long. No matter how many times this happens, he never can harden his heart or be overly suspicious of others. RTN!Tobirama would most likely be the one support peace in this AU. He embraces the Uchiha and all the Senjus past enemies with open arms, almost to a foolish degree. It'd be a bad idea if he became hokage in this AU because he's a terrible negotiator and has a bad people-pleasing streak and struggles with long-term tactics. With the exception of RTN!Hashirama, who he considers an aberration who doesn't have a soul, humans at their core all have good intentions at heart.

5. Mito

I characterize Mito as a very level-headed woman. Her marriage to Hashirama is political in nature but they grow to be good friends and she never expected to fall in love and she's glad Hashirama didn't want a traditional wife. Mito is devoted to her community work (she works hands-on with people in the village), she seeks out connections with others and, despite the distance, remains close with her family in Uzushio, constantly writing them letters. She's spiritual and follows the Uzumakis' beliefs (not gonna list this OoT spoiler lol) and studies fuinjutsu in her spare time, something she's done since she was a child. She is willing to sacrifice if it meant protecting something she considered greater than herself, much to her own personal detriment. She loves and is proud of her children and grandchildren, but if she had a choice, she would have chosen to remain childless, she finds her true calling elsewhere.

RTN!Mito, similarly to RTN!Tobirama, is ruled by emotions. She dreams of one day making a good marriage for herself and centers romance and being a mother as her ideal life, but she's extremely picky when it comes picking the perfect husband. RTN!Mito knows how much she's worth and she refuses to settle and will not even entertain the idea of an arranged marriage. She has a hard time forming long-lasting, deep bonds with other people and views starting her own family as the solution to this problem. At times she can be a bit absent-minded and unintentionally selfish, but she's not actively malicious. She blusters a lot and depending on the situation can come off as cold and uncaring, but it's only to hide the depth of her true feelings and loneliness. In this AU she would absolutely refuse to marriage RTN!Hashirama. Nothing on hell or earth, could make her change her mind.

Mito is such a blank-slate character it feels like writing an oc more than a canon character, tbh. And this is something I don't see brought up a lot but a "heart full of love" to combat the kyuubi's hatred to me has never been exclusive to romantic or familial (to children) love. *cough* I want a complex female character who's not vilified for not wanting to have children and/or regretting having them *cough* Mito's "love" was for the people of Konoha and Uzushio. My personal headcanon regarding her and Hashirama's child (I don't think she had more than one) was that she was dedicated to her son, but quickly realized being a mother wasn't her dream or something she even actively liked. The kid was well-cared for and she was dutiful towards him, but Hashirama was the parent that loved and embraced him with his whole heart and it led to some tension between Mito and her son as the kid could tell the difference and neither of them were "wrong" to feel the way they did. This is why Tsunade was shown with Hashirama instead of Mito, he was a lot more present in her life when she was young (instead of Kishi just not having made Mito as a character yet). But after Hashirama and Tsunade's dad died (and then Nawaki), she and Mito grew close but it was definitely more of a friendship or student/mentor relationship rather than a traditional grandmother/granddaughter relationship but both were satisfied with it and loved eachother. Likewise I didn't want RTN!Mito's characterization to be shallow and hit misogynistic undertones with her being an "opposite" to Mito's calm, level-headed, focused on her work/passions characterization.

6. Closing thoughts

#1: Wow this got long #2: I feel conflicted about RTN because it seemed to flip surface-level characteristics instead of deep characterizations, and ignored flaws altogether. The ones above, esp. Hashirama and Madara's, are kind of dark in a way? But that's the only way it makes sense to me...Gai and Lee caring about style and being stylish is a funny joke but if you were to actually poke and prod and say their personalities were inverted, neither of them would be top-notch ninja as we know...unless I'm just completely misremembering RTN because I realize it's been years since I saw it lol. Anyway, hope this was entertaining!

[mbti-notes]

hi i’m an istj. i fear the problem im going to describe is resolved by being more Te proactive and taking on more leader responsibilities and failing. just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable. anyway i get involved with groups that align with my values to get things done but it always feels like i somehow join things that aren’t as efficient as i’d want them to be or stagnate. at the same time that i have strong opinions about what to do i resent having to take on more responsibility to enact it. i want to be part of an established, moral, process/group but it seems like everything is in flux all the time. just making sure: is this Te-Ne dysfunction ?

Your question is about type development. An important aspect of type development is understanding the weaknesses and flaws of your type, in terms of the ways that your type tends to misuse functions. You seem to believe that your problem boils down to a simple lack of desire to lead in group situations (weak Te?), but it probably goes far deeper than that.

Si-Ne problems often manifest as a general aversion to change, specifically, unwillingness to change how one looks at a situation, which would then significantly alter one's approach to it. Imbalance between Si and Ne becomes a very unhealthy stubbornness when one is also prone to Si-Fi loop that thinks in terms of pure absolutes. In essence, you believe what you believe and you want what you want, and nothing and nobody can break through that mental wall. Perhaps not even you.

Auxiliary development is meant to help with Si extremes and Si-Fi loop stubbornness by making you care more about empirical facts (Te) than your frustration (Fi). It isn't always easy to develop the auxiliary function when you come to believe that it interferes with what makes Si feel most comfortable (e.g. "just typing that out makes me feel burned out and miserable"). If using the auxiliary function feels so "tiring", it doesn't mean that you should avoid using it. Quite the contrary. It's an indication that you haven't yet learned to use it properly, which means further development is necessary.

Te wants efficiency, that much is true. However, what separates immature Te from mature Te is how exactly one conceptualizes "efficiency". When Te is immature, one has a very rudimentary understanding of how to be efficient. For example, one is likely to believe that efficiency is achieved through assertiveness or even brute force, i.e., "making" things happen despite all the obstacles in the way. Is it any wonder that using Te feels tiring, then? You're essentially forcing yourself to swim against the current. Si doms are painfully aware that their energy is finite, so they quickly run out of steam.

However, Te isn't really about mustering up energy. This is not what makes TJs smart, strong, and formidable. Mature Te conceptualizes efficiency as reducing the amount of energy required whenever possible, which is why they have a lot of energy to take on very heavy workloads - some people call it "working smart". This is done through facing the empirical facts of a situation head on and learning to work closely with them, which makes it far easier to make them work in your favor.

Your problem requires a two pronged attack:

Are you able to change how you look at situations in order to improve your approach (to address Si-Ne imbalance)?

Are you able to face the empirical facts of the situation and work with them rather than against them (to develop better use of Te)?

Wanting to be part of a process/group that aligns with your values in order to enact some good in the world is an admirable thing to strive for. Presumably, the other people involved in the group have the same sense of mission, otherwise, they wouldn't have joined. However, what you fail to take into account is that people aren't generally single-minded.

Human beings are complex because they are motivated by a multitude of factors, whether they realize it or not. They are full of psychological conflicts, contradictory desires, irrational impulses, old baggage, and unconscious bad habits. And when you bring people together, all that stuff comes out and creates complicated entanglements. A "group" only becomes a "team" when it is able to overcome those psychological obstacles together, and it can be a very long process of learning how to maximize strengths and mitigate weaknesses in every individual member. That's why a lot of groups simply fall apart. While your intention to join the group seems simple and straightforward (because Si-Te is admirable in its ability to keep things simple and straightforward), other people's intentions might not be so simple. If you fail to take into account the irrational aspects of human nature, you will cause yourself needless suffering.

Your frustration with people is likely a manifestation of your unrealistic expectations of them. Perhaps you aren't able to understand people who don't resemble you, let alone work with them. And you will certainly be doomed to fail if the only way Te knows to deal with individual differences is to force everyone to become more like you. That's an impossible task, not because it requires the energy of a thousand suns as you assume, but because you're choosing to fight against reality. Mature Te would advise that you should first face down the empirical facts of how people operate if you hope to discover the most effective way to influence them. Your repeated experience of feeling disenchanted with groups tells you that you're missing an important piece of knowledge about groups and how they operate.

I'll give you a very simple example from my own life. I used to gather with a group of 30-50 people once a week to conduct planned discussions. The discussions never really started on time despite everyone being in their seats because people weren't focused enough at the start of the session. There was often whispering and sidetalking and such that would go on for about half an hour before the room felt settled and focused.

One method of addressing the problem arose organically. Whoever was the main speaker simply started shushing people and it became a thing. Sometimes, it would even escalate to calling people out, like a teacher scolding a student in a classroom. This definitely made the social atmosphere less inviting and more tense. Sure, people would shut up after being called out, but they became less focused due to seething with resentment. Power struggles aren't great for group morale, especially if it's supposed to be a group of equals coming together for a common cause.

It all sounds quite childish, but these kinds of judgments are useless. You can call people childish, inefficient, incompetent, etc etc, but it doesn't solve the problem. And, worse, being judgmental blocks you from understanding people better and working with them. Perhaps an ISTJ would see this as a "mess", an "inefficiency" that wastes time, and evidence of bad character when people break the rules.

However, if you change the way you look at the situation, you might not be so quick to make such judgments. Actually, it's kind of weird for a bunch of people who know each other well to enter a room and immediately sit down quietly. Humans have a natural tendency to socialize as a way to strengthen interpersonal bonds. Isn't group cohesiveness a good thing, since it encourages better cooperation? If you are able to see the benefits of their chatty behavior and how it contributes to group cohesiveness, then instead of fighting against it, you would think of ways to harness it.

The real problem wasn't inefficiency; inefficiency was merely the symptom. The more primary problem was that a lot of people joined the group not just to "get things done", but also to make friends. The structure of the event denied them from fulfilling that important need and then they were more likely to act out. This problem was discovered when people had a chance to talk about what was frustrating them, which meant that the group had to make space to conduct some uncomfortable conversations.

To address the problem, the group eventually decided that the first 15 minutes would be devoted to socializing and allowing people to catch up, with the explicit promise to get down to business when the time was up. Some people brought drinks, others brought snacks. Some even showed up early to have more time to socialize. It enlivened people and enriched their relationships. Being "officially" allowed to get the chattiness out of their system, they were better able to sit down and focus on the planned agenda. The meeting felt like fun rather than a chore. And if you're interested in a cause, don't you want to recruit more people to support it? Making things more fun is one good way to attract support. You can look at it as wasting 15 minutes OR you can look at it as a 15 minute investment.

Solutions to human problems require:

cognitive empathy: figuring out what's really going on inside people's heads (in Te terms it means working only with the empirical facts of the situation, rather than indulging negative Fi judgments)

strategy: taking the time to work with people and figuring out the best way to help them get over obstacles (in Te terms it means investing energy early and wisely to maximize your returns later, rather than putting effort into the wrong places or only stepping in to tackle mere symptoms of the problem)

creativity: harnessing natural human tendencies to produce something useful or worthwhile (in Te terms in means taking what's already there and transforming it into a NET positive, rather than getting too fixated on every little negative detail and losing sight of the bigger picture)

Te can be a great function for dealing with human problems as long as you overcome the immature aspects of it, such as impatience, bluntness, or inflexibility. Every person is unique, so every group is different. Let go of the idea that there is only one way to approach a problem/conflict and you will start to be more creative in your approach. By accepting the fact that things are always in flux and using empirical evidence to understand and predict how change works, TJs become much more effective and efficient at everything they do. When it comes to people, meeting someone different from you is an opportunity to learn how to deal with that kind of person. The more knowledge you have of human psychology under your belt, the better you get at dealing with people's weird or negative tendencies. If a strategy works, use it again. If it doesn't work, adjust it to fit their psychology better.

In your situation, you see the problem as people being inefficient, so your inclination is to step forward and do something to "make" them more efficient. Humans aren't built with the prime directive to be efficient. They're not machines. Their psychology is messy, so trying to force them to behave like a machine is to force them to go against their psychology. In other words, you're choosing the least efficient approach. The more efficient approach, though it requires more intelligent thinking on your part (you want to become more intelligent, right?), is to properly understand the more primary problem of what's really causing them to be so inefficient in the first place. That is the way to discover the right strategy. If you are able to target those obstacles at the very root, efficiency improves more naturally.

Oftentimes, working smart doesn't require you to step up and be THE leader for everyone. As an introvert, it's probably more comfortable for you to work behind the scenes to talk to people, get a better idea of what they need and/or what problems they're experiencing, and incrementally remove the obstacles that are preventing them from focusing on what they should be focused on. You can't fix everything all at once, so just do what you can to fix what you are able to fix at any given point in time. It's a process and some progress is better than no progress.

[spasmsofthought]

find me a way (i’ll be yours in a landslide) [pietro maximoff x reader]

I love Pietro and I miss him so so so much. He is the best. I hope you enjoy what has been running through my mind today and a little bit of a different writing perspective. 

Inspiration for the title (and what I was listening to while writing this) goes to the song State Lines by Novo Amor. 

Let me know what you think! xo 

TW: Death, grief, violence (?). 

Word Count: A little over 2.4k 

+ + + 

You and Pietro aren’t friends. 

At least, not at the beginning.

He had this sort of roguish charm, and as the one who always followed the rules, there’s a certain danger to his very presence you detect the first time you see him. You have always walked the straightest line, valued for being good, and discovering your own powers turns that dial to 11 even before you find yourself with The Avengers. 

A’s in school and curse words that never leave your lips, and your previous co-workers had only good things to say. And when the news talks about you, when they find a second to recognize you, it’s only ever about how perfectly suited you are to be an Avenger, doing good and bringing justice and seeking the peace of all. It is all they know you for: the good you do. And then you fade into the background once again, like a shiny trophy on a shelf only brought out to relive the glory days.

When he starts to live at the compound with his sister, after the Battle of Sokovia, he sees the way you look at him. All wary and standoffish and hesitant. He knows, for some reason, that you don’t look at his sister like you do him. No, you sit with her and eat with her and there are times you laugh together at the dinner table. But with him, well, he’s lucky if he can get a word in edgewise with you. It makes him think that you classify him as an enemy, and if not that, then someone you clearly want to keep your distance from.

But it’s not that clearly defined for you. It takes time for you to even be remotely comfortable around someone who clearly enjoys sparking mischief and making trouble. He has no problem questioning authority and going against orders; he does what he wants. And for someone who has always had this golden star on their forehead, and taught never to make company with troublemakers because it would only cause grief in the end for you, there’s an underlying reluctance to be around him at all due to the complex nature of his shift from bad guy to good guy.

When he and Wanda open up about their Hydra experimentation with the whole team, though, that’s when the first crack starts to form. The empathy you have always felt for Wanda, well, it starts to extend to Pietro too. Because you know that no one should be subject to such an experience, even if they volunteered for it. There is something in his eyes that makes him older than he appears, and there are lines by his eyes that tell you of his sorrow, of his anger. 

Your reluctance diminishes over the week and when he happens upon you and his sister in her room on Sunday evening, and invites himself inside, you don’t leave and you don’t close off. You two openly discuss your varying exposure to sitcoms as children and there is something that lights in his eyes, too. 

And it is the first time you listen to him with your eyes, not just your ears.

The friendship you extend to him after weeks of Wanda’s hints and outright suggestions to you begins on rocky grounds. Because you and Pietro are inherent opposites, and while you are mostly black and white, he is all gray. 

The difference in beliefs and values leads to frequent, and heated, debates when the two of you aren’t training or trying to save the world again. The whole team enjoys watching them, whether outright from the kitchen or secretly listening in a shadowed hallway, whispering and smirking and betting who will will this one. They are always exchanging money in hands, especially when it is you that wins the round. 

He gets you, though, one evening as you two sit on opposite ends of the same couch in the open common area of the Avenger compound. It’s been a slow week and leaves much free time for you to discuss all of your differing beliefs. It is passionate and spirited, but this one is also personal. War makes it so, and the twining of both of your experiences cannot make the conversation as objective as others have been. “Rules exist for a reason Pietro!” “I didn’t have the luxury of following the rules when my life was in danger, my parents were dead, and my country was little more than rubble.” 

It is fast and quick as usual, but there is a hardness in his face that you have never seen before. A glint in his eyes that tells you he sometimes wishes he lived in a world where following the rules meant living in peace, meant a better future for everyone; where it meant one was doing the right thing, the good thing.

There is a pause that you have to take, because your country still exists the same way, and there is not a giant crater in the ground where an entire city used to be. And it did not suffer from war the ways his did. And your parents were not killed by bombs manufactured by a man with power and wealth and unlimited resources. And it turns out you may be wrong this time and it turns out it’s true that he had been trying to do the right thing the whole time he was on the opposite side of you. 

Now you are on the same side and that forces a change in perspective. You are forced to not stay the same. 

“You’re right,” You admit and the words are soft. 

Maybe rules are a luxury for people like you who can always choose to follow them; and maybe following the rules doesn’t necessarily mean you are the right one. His eyes connect with yours and there is something that happens, an understanding that forms. 

Something ties together and the knot cannot be untangled. A string tethers you to each other, somehow, someway, in that moment. 

The conversations don’t end there, they never do, but he notices that you bend for the first time that night. Usually you’re as stiff as a board, planting your roots deep and refusing to move. But this time, well, this time your hands open a bit instead of clenching and your knuckles aren’t white. 

It takes some more time, and a little help from Wanda, but both of you smile more and the conversation turns less into a debate the more you spend in each other’s presence. Empathy exudes from you, and now it’s less about being right and more about trying to put yourself in his shoes. To see through his eyes instead of your own. You bend for him more, growing less afraid to no longer put your value in being seen as good, and he takes stock of his own beliefs and he learns from you, too. And he’s not a jackass about it. 

(Clint saw it coming from day one, though he certainly expected it to take longer. Maybe he’s getting old and that’s it. But, there’s something about the two of you that he knew would click together. He watched you both from the kitchen when he was at the compound, and in training, and he saw the puzzle pieces. He knows you well, has for years, and Pietro’s the kind of person you need, though he would never admit it to you outright. He’s a dad and so he can see these things coming from miles away. Laura is going to be intrigued to hear about this when he tells her.)

And you curse for the very first time when he kisses you, pressed softly against the wall near your door. 

He moves so quick it comes as a surprise to your very slow (normal) senses, but the tension has been building for months. Months of his flirting that have been flying over your head or have just left you confused. 

He touches you more, now that both of you are growing more comfortable with each other. A hand cupping your elbow when he grazes by, a soft brush against the small of your back when he’s behind you as the team gathers together for a meeting or to train together. A light touch to your shoulder when he is about to whisper in your ear. A tender hug when you both have survived another day where his hands come to the back of your head and he holds you against himself for a moment or two. A kiss to the cheek when he can sneak it in and you’re not paying enough attention. 

It is in those moments where you truly understand what safety feels like.  

Nobody explains the flirting, or anything else, to you, though, so you brush it away and smile innocently back at him. It kills him, every time. Wanda is just glad you’re making him subconsciously work for it, earn it; making him be worthy of you. 

And it is a year after the day where you officially met each other when he follows you to your room after a solid day of training and playing a board game at the dining table with him and Wanda after dinner is done. 

You are laughing at something he said, and what happened when he lost, and he can’t resist but softly steering you to the wall. You go quiet, a little startled, and he can see your eyebrows furrow. He leans in and you can hear him ask under his breath if he can kiss you. You are barely finished nodding your consent when he does. 

Being a teenager, and then young adult, that had discovered and then wielded weird powers didn’t leave much room to have a significant other who could put up with your schedule and wack powers which interfered with your ever day life. Joining the Avengers left you with even less time to date. 

So, when Pietro kisses you, it’s your first kiss. 

And you think it might maybe somehow be spectacular. 

And whatever it is, it’s different and glorious and it almost overwhelms you and that is when “Shit” slips out from your mouth when you are able to catch your breath. Because you just want more of this, and more of him; more of all of whatever this is becoming. It’s like this feeling drops into the pit of your stomach and sinks deeper, weighing you down with some sort of longing, maybe, or a desire that has been unnoticed and unfulfilled until now. He has always been a contrasting force to you, but now he just seems irresistible. Like a polar opposite magnet that you can’t help but be pulled to: the north to your south. 

The curse is said almost under your breath, a whisper that you can’t hold in, but Pietro hears it. His mouth slips into a grin, teetering more to one side of his face than the other. He is handsome in that moment, and oh so irresistible. His eyes sparkle with a sort of pride, glimmering with a deep satisfaction, and you can tell he’s a bit cocky about the effect he clearly has on you, even though you deny it. You think maybe he is banking on his promise to corrupt you, even just a little bit. He presses his forehead to yours and releases a breathy chuckle. 

“I have been waiting--” 

Before he can finish his sentence, before he can say anything else, you press your lips to his. He sort of smiles into it for a second, but then there’s a shift, as quick as you could blink if your eyes were open, and it’s intense suddenly. All-consuming. There is a sureness with him, a substance you hadn’t been expecting when you first caught a glimpse of him. 

Your hands gravitate towards his hair, his towards your face, tilting just slightly. And then his hands are flying to the back of your head, and then one down your arm and to your waist. 

This is my reality, you think happily, the inside of you turning into butterflies and pure giddiness. He presses you against the wall and you press yourself against him, desperate for just a little more, a lot more-- 

and you wake up. 

No, no, no, no, the word runs a loop in your head. Not again. 

The image of his body hitting the pavement, the sound of gun fire ringing through your ears, is what you are immediately awoken to as you are torn from sleep yet again. He has been dead. He is dead. And it is not a reminder you need yet again, because you barely knew him. And all of this is in your head. 

Your eyes open to the breaking dawn you see out your window. 

The sheets on your bed are the same they were a year ago. 

And you stare out the window for a second, trying to breathe, your mind recollecting everything, and then the tears come. Your arm comes across your face as you involuntary release a sob. Another gets caught in your throat and you are nauseous to your core. 

You gather your face in your palms as you move to sit up, and you just cry. Your hair hangs around you, not having been washed in days, and your muscles are sore. Your heart cries out for some sort of relief, but there is nothing anyone can do for it, not even you. The sobs don’t stop for half an hour. 

You don’t tell Wanda about it. You never do. You can barely bear it yourself. 

You try not to spend much time dwelling on it when you finally get out of bed that morning, but there are some times when you like to imagine things differently. When you wonder what it would have been like if fate had intervened, or some sort of mercy had been given; you give yourself a glimpse of a different future. 

And when you actually allow yourself the time to sit there after you wake up, every once and a while, you usually can picture it all almost as clear as day, the sun shining. There are no clouds in the sky, not a drop of rain. The whole world seems right and perfect and complete before it shatters in front of your very eyes and it all turns to dust. 

Grief has taught you that you will always wake up alone and that dreams always remain dreams. And this one will never come true. 

+++

“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you'll never have.” — Søren Kierkegaard

[elvendara]

Sugar and Spice day 4

July 15th

Gamer/Troll

Yoosung:

Why is your brother such an ass? I thought you were bad but he takes the cake! And eats it too! Tell him to STOP! It’s not FUNNY!

Saeyoung:

I don’t know what to tell you. He doesn’t listen to me, you know that. He even barked at MC when she tried to talk to him. I mean, it’s like he has a vendetta against you. I know what I did, but what did you do to him?

Yoosung:

NOTHING! I’ve been super nice every time I see him, and he’s basically just ignored me or hurled insults at me, and now, he’s getting his jollies by trolling me on LOLOL! Why did you tell him about it?

Saeyoung:

He already knew. Don’t forget he had us all under surveillance for Mint Eye. Look, maybe stop giving him such a big reaction. It’s what he wants. Just, ignore him.

Yoosung:

That’s easy for you to say! He’s ruining my reputation!

Saeyoung:

OK, I’ll try to talk to him again, but I can’t make any promises, you might just have to deal with this yourself. Face to face, you know, man to man.

Yoosung:

Yeah, sure. So he can beat me up? No thank you.

Saeyoung:

Don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?

Yoosung:

Whatever! I have to do my dailies, hopefully Saeran isn’t around! Ugh!

Saeyoung sighed and shook his head. Saeran had really turned into a bully online. At least towards Yoosung. He found it funny to mess with the blond himself, but Saeran had taken it too far. With an exhausted sigh he walked towards Saeran’s room and knocked on the door.

“What?” came Saeran’s answer. He turned the doorknob and opened the door. “Oh, it’s you.” Saeran said and returned to face his laptop on the desk.

“Yeah, ahh, can we talk?” he asked walking in and sitting on the edge of the bed.

“About what?” he didn’t even turn around to look at his brother.

“Saeran.” Saeyoung said exasperated.

Saeran’s shoulders sagged, and he finally faced his brother, rotating in his computer chair.

“You have to stop this thing with Yoosung. He’s really angry.”

“That’s what you wanted to talk about?” Saeran rolled his eyes.

“It’s gone too far, why are you doing it?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Obviously not.” Saeyoung countered.

“I like him.”

Saeyoung was stunned. He blinked his eyes in disbelief. “You…like him? That’s how you show you like someone?”

“It’s all I know.” Saeran shrugged.

“Oh my god! All this time, you’ve been trying to show Yoosung that you like him?”

“Yes.”

Saeyoung face palmed and started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Saeran asked irritated.

“You’re an idiot you know that? But then, so am I.” Saeyoung got a hold of himself and tried to be serious. “Look, why don’t you just try asking him out instead of trolling him on the internet?”

It was Saeran’s turn to be stunned. “Just…ask?”

“Well yeah, what’s the worst that can happen? He says no?”

“That’s pretty bad yes. I have to find out if he likes me back first before asking him out like that.”

“Well, you’re going about it all wrong.”

“Is that how you got together with MC? You just asked her out?”

“Uh, no, actually, she kind of didn’t give me a choice.”

“Hmnm, maybe I should do that instead.”

“No no, it worked for MC and me, but I don’t think it will work with Yoosung.”

“OK, well, what other advice do you have?” Saeran sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, ready to listen. It gave Saeyoung pause, he’d never seen his brother like this. He must really be into Yoosung if he was willing to listen to him.

“I think you should be honest. Tell him how you feel. How about we invite him over this weekend, and you can talk to him then.”

“I don’t know, that seems, uh, I don’t know.”

“At least you can use the time to start being nicer to him.”

“Nice?”

“Yes, nice! Would you rather have him angry with you or happy?”

“Happy of course, but if he’s angry, at least he’s talking to me.”

“You’ll never get to the kissing phase if you keep going like that.”

“K…kissing???” Saeran turned bright red, almost the same shade as his hair.

Saeyoung stood and ruffled his brother’s hair. “Just try it.” He said and walked out.

..

Yoosung liked hanging out with his best friend Saeyoung and his new wife MC. He even liked Saeran, but something had changed and Saeran had turned on him. He didn’t understand. Sure he wasn’t always nice, but he attributed that to the way he had spent the first 23 years of his life. Yoosung couldn’t imagine being nice after suffering for his entire life at the hands of others. But there had been something behind those pained green eyes that pulled on Yoosung’s heart. So he suffered the barbs thrown at him, knowing they were just a defense mechanism.

However, Saeran suddenly went from defensive to attacking at every opportunity he could. He wasn’t even safe when he was away from him physically. He’d tried to tell himself this was yet another reactionary defense mechanism, but the man had crossed the line! He’d started trolling him on LOLOL and made the game unbearable. It wasn’t just that either, he’d gotten some of his own guild members to pick on him too! It was so irritating!

But here he was, trying to be civil towards Saeran when all he wanted was to smash his face in. Even that thought was irritating. This wasn’t him. He didn’t wish to do harm to people. The only reason he’d agreed to even come was because Saeyoung had begged, and he felt guilty for punishing the red head because of his brother. He really did want to see them. He kept a wary eye out for Saeran, who had yet to make an appearance, though Yoosung knew he was there, probably in his room.

“Thanks for bringing desert Yoosung, you didn’t have to, but it looks delicious.” MC stated as she unwrapped the cheesecake. Yoosung smiled, knowing full well they expected him to bring dessert. He’d spent hours making it from scratch.

“You’re welcome. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Oh no, why don’t you go outside and hang out with Saeyoung. I know he’s missed you.”

“OK.” Yoosung headed to the backyard where he could smell the grilling already underway. Saeyoung was a pretty good griller, especially when it came to steaks, although in the kitchen he was as much of a disaster as his brother. The thought of Saeran made him growl.

Saeyoung heard and chuckled. “What’s with the scowl?” he asked as he hugged his friend.

“Sorry, just thinking of something unpleasant.”

“Let me guess, Saeran?” he snickered.

“Sure laugh it up, but I swear, I’m this close to punching him.” He held his thumb and forefinger less than an inch apart.

“Don’t worry OK? He promised he would be on his best behavior.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it.” Yoosung answered.

“Believe what?” Saeran asked as he walked out towards them.

Yoosung didn’t answer, pursing his lips and crossing his arms, turning his back to the newly red headed man.

With a sigh Saeran almost went back into the house but an encouraging look from Saeyoung held him to the spot. Well, might as well rip that band aid off.

“Uh, Yoosung, can I talk to you?”

Yoosung’s breath caught in his throat, he’d never heard that tone from Saeran. He was caught off guard and found it hard to hang onto his anger, curiosity winning. He nodded and followed Saeran as he walked onto the grass from the porch and around the swimming pool.

Finally he stopped and turned, eyes cast downwards.

“I’m sorry.” He said, barely audible.

“What?”

“I said I’m sorry.” Saeran stated as he met Yoosung’s amethyst gaze.

There was a moment of silence as Yoosung took that in.

“Oh, well, OK then. But, why? Why were you so mean to me?” he asked, tears welling up in his eyes. Once the anger was gone, all that was left was hurt. What Saeran had done had hurt him.

“I…it’s…stupid…” Saeran’s shoulders sagged, and he couldn’t look at Yoosung’s crushed face anymore.

“Tell me.” Yoosung said kindly, reaching out to the man and squeezing his upper arm. The touch made Saeran shiver and lose his voice. He stared at the younger man, those empathetic eyes, and kind heart so readily able to accept his apology.

“I…really like you and I didn’t know how to tell you so in order to get you to pay attention to me, to interact with me I started being mean because any reaction is a good one if you keep doing it right? At least that’s how I thought. I mean, I don’t know how to make friends let alone let someone know I care about them. Hell, I still can’t even tell Saeyoung how I really feel about him. I didn’t know…”

“Stop!” Yoosung said, placing his hand over Saeran’s mouth. Saeran was crushed, thinking that Yoosung didn’t want to hear about his affection, but there was a smile on the blond’s face and a twinkle in his eyes. “I get it. Really I do. So, just tell me. How do you feel about me?”

“I like you.” Saeran said after Yoosung had released his lips, though he missed the soft touch. “I like being around you. When you’re near I want to reach out and hold your hand. I imagine what it would be like to hold you in my arms and kiss you. You’re so kind and sweet, to everyone. At first, I thought it was an act, you know, like…her…but you’re nothing like her. Your empathy for others is genuine. I just…want to be in your orbit. So, I’d like to ask you out on a date.”

“I’d like that.” Yoosung said.

“Really?” Saeran was surprised but something inside of him bloomed and grew. Something light and joyful. Something he’d never felt before, nor thought he would ever be able to feel. Hope.

[vanillawhiskeyflavoredkisses]

I just have to get this off my chest after seeing some very disturbing posts about 9/11 floating around on my dash as well as some truly crude commentary. A lot probably won't agree with my sentiments but I feel like this needs to be said.

I've seen a lot of things on Tumblr in the past that maybe I consider to be in poor taste or don't agree with but I usually just scroll past, sometimes block for curating sake, but today is the first time I truly was shell-shocked. To see the memes and blasé jokes people are making about this day are just absolutely horrific and appalling.

I get that a lot of people on this site now may not remember what happened that day and only learned second hand through school or media or other people telling them. I get that a lot occurred after this that wasn't right which we definitely should be learning from. I also get that there is a lot of anti-American and anti-white sentiments going around currently, especially on this site.

But here's the thing:

Not only Americans died that day. Not only white people died that day. That's the thing about terrorists and what these hijackers did: they don't care about your skin color, your culture, your religious preference, your sexual orientation, your gender orientation, your age, your economic status, your personality, whether you support them or not, your political persuasion, your job, or any of it. Everyone is fair game to them. For crying out loud, look at what the Afghani people are currently going through and how the Taliban are treating their own country's people, women especially. If you think this is bad (which it truly is), have you seen how things went under their rule before 9/11 even happened? Do you know their terrifyingly violent and brutal history? Women had acid thrown in their faces if they didn't wear a full hijab. People were mutilated or executed if they didn't fall in line with the law of the Taliban. And this doesn't even begin to go into Al-Qaeda or Isis. But I'm not here to talk about that or delve into that topic too much.

My point in mentioning all of this is that white Americans weren't the only ones that were killed that day. People of all faiths, of all colors, of different countries, died that day, too. And the unity that is consistently discussed every 9/11 anniversary is in regards to us being aware of that fact, us mourning all of their losses together, and the collective desire to come together and help once the planes hit and after the towers collapsed.

So when people say "why am I supposed to cry over white Americans getting killed that day" think about that. Not only white Americans died that day. And regardless of their color, their nationality, their culture, their religion, etc. anyone dying is always sad. Whether it be a jetliner being used as a weapon that crashed into their floor or someone dying of cancer or someone being killed in a mudslide or someone dying in a car accident -- it is always sad. And empathy should always be shown in response, even if it doesn't impact you personally. Let's not forget these people have loved ones that got left behind, that are still here.

So when people say "if something knocks into a cow and knocks it over, I'm not expected to care, but if something knocks into a building and knocks it over, suddenly I'm supposed to care?" think about that. People aren't grieving two large pieces of steel architecture. People aren't saying "always remember those two towers". The WTC Towers were a symbol (yes, for American wealth, I get it) but became so much more of a multi-faceted powerful symbol after 9/11. The towers represent a way of life before 9/11 happened, but more importantly they represent the people lost that day, who were in the towers when they collapsed. For all of the first responders who were stuck on those floors still trying to help evacuate people to safety when the buildings finally gave. The two footprints and two blue lights aren't a symbol of American wealth or a naivete and simpler way of life pre-9/11 - they are a symbol of memorialization for that day. The Freedom Tower was erected to show that despite the loss of that day, we stood united (even if there seems to be more and more division these days). It's a message to the world that yes, destruction and death happened that day in NYC, but so did rebuilding and life carrying on. It's a symbol of strength, resilience, and unity - something that was everywhere you looked days after this event occurred. The two towers (aka NYC) may have gotten knocked down but the city got back up. They weren't kept down - that's the point of the Freedom Tower.

When people say "I don't understand, what is it that I shouldn't be forgetting since I can't remember it anyway" here is what we all should be remembering despite our age or our connection (or lack thereof) with this event:

2,997 innocent civilians died that day. Among them were 343 firefighters, 37 police officers, 23 Port Authority police officers, 8 EMS workers, and 4 other first responders. Also among them were 246 people on the four planes that crashed.

The passengers of United Flight 93 made a choice to fight back against the hijackers and saved lives that day by sacrificing their own.

Many children lost parents. Many parents lost children. Many brothers lost sisters, and many sisters lost brothers. Many spouses lost their significant others. Many lost friends, family, and loved ones.

For those who want a better connection to this day who didn't experience it and/or don't remember it, and for those others who are seriously lacking in empathy: yes, it was a highly publicized event due to the hundreds of cameras (including media outlets) watching that day, but if the horrific images aren't enough to garner some of your empathy, then there are plenty of other resources at your disposal. Documentaries like 9/11 by James Hanlon and the Naudet brothers, 102 Minutes That Changed America (which shows you not only all of the first-hand eyewitness accounts that day but also lets you hear 911 calls, radio transmissions between firefighters, and people's reactions to the event and each other who were there), 9/11 Firefighters (on Discovery Plus) and even more recently, 9/11: The Turning Point (on Netflix) which provides a 360 degree view of the events that led up to 9/11, 9/11 itself, and what came after, displaying all different viewpoints. You can read the 9/11 Commission Report or there are several books and memoirs out there like Wake-Up Call by Kristen Breitweiser, or even historical accounts in books, newspaper articles, and online. But most importantly, listen to people's stories. The ones who were there, the ones who saw it happen, the ones who ran in to help, the ones who lost loved ones. That is the most important part and the most powerful. On Hulu, ABC News ran segments of 9/11 Twenty Years Later, "Women Of Resilience" being especially powerful. It's hard not to feel a human connection to these stories or any kind of empathy.

For those who are making these jokes and memes, if you like shows like 9-1-1 and Chicago Fire, etc, imagine those first responder characters rushing into those buildings to save lives and losing theirs in the process. If you don't remember 9/11 or feel any connection or empathy, imagine hundreds of Bucks or Eddies or Bobbys or Hens or Chimneys dying that day as they worked to save so many. Sorry to be so blunt because I love those characters too, but do you get a little bit of the connection now? Do you feel any empathy? I'm not trying to equate real life heroes and sheroes with fictional characters of course, but if it helps you to understand a little better in some way, well...I'm throwing it out there.

I myself lived in the Tri-State area at the time of the attacks. I remember seeing the second plane seconds before it crashed into the second building. I remember the devastation I felt watching the first tower collapse knowing that a loved one was most likely inside and how hard I cried thinking he was dead. (thankfully, he had been late to work that day and he got out of the area before the towers came down) I remember the relief and gratefulness we all felt hearing from him to assure us that he was alive when he finally was able to get to a phone, stating he was covered in dust and ash from the buildings. I remember the panic and fear we all felt, thinking the world was ending and we were all going to die, that this was it, this was World War III, after it was confirmed that the Pentagon had also been hit and there was also a downed plane in Pennsylvania. I remember the grief another loved one suffered because she lost her entire floor (she had been out sick that day) and every single one of her co-workers. I remember the race to pick up children from school and get them home as soon as possible. I remember the rage that coursed through us seeing the footage of some people in certain countries celebrating the attacks in the streets, enjoying the deaths of so many Americans, a couple of these countries who lost citizens themselves in these attacks. I remember the camping out in front of the televisions night after night for a week straight afterwards, watching the news 24/7, worrying that there might be more attacks. I remember the feeling of sheer terror anytime a plane was heard overhead or seen appearing low enough in the sky that you could practically make out which airline it was for months afterwards. I remember seeing the lights the first time they were lit from our home. I remember feeling pure fear not only for what happened that day but also what came afterwards (not yet understanding that these weren't practitioners of Islam that did this but radical extremists who had literally hijacked the religion). I remember seeing the devastation at Ground Zero through a tear in the fabric over a fence as we walked through the city months afterwards. I remember not wanting to fly for years. I remember the anger I felt that our government had failed us due to political bs between agencies and countless others (which we found out especially when the 9/11 Commission Report came out) and that because of this horrific and absurd failure, thousands of innocent people had died. I remember seeing the crushed ladder truck, and the toy of the little girl who was on one of the planes at the 9/11 Memorial Museum and all of the pictures in that room that just floored me. (I also remember being pissed off that many were treating it as a selfie op where they were allowed to take pictures, completely missing the point of the museum's existence) But most of all, I remember feeling that life would never be the same for any of us ever again, and that the feeling of safety we had naively enjoyed on September 10, 2001 would never return.

But I also remember the compassion and unity we saw rising in the country after those attacks. I remember the gratitude for all of our first responders, those we lost that day and those who were still with us, actively working to recover those lost and to clear Ground Zero. I remember the feeling of collectiveness, that we all shared grief and showed support to one another in those days afterwards. I remember the fallen heroes and sheroes who ran into those buildings, who were off duty but raced from wherever they were that day to come and help. I remember The Man In the Red Bandana aka Welles Crowther (and many like him who worked to save others) who has become another important symbol of that day. I remember hearing all of the stories of people helping one another before and after the towers collapsed. I remember the good that this day represents. That while we may have seen some of the worst of humanity that day in the form of violence, death, weaponized airplanes, and devastation, we also saw the very best of humanity in the form of our first responders and people helping one another.

Look, did Islamophobia happen? Yes. Was it right? No, absolutely not. As I stated above, I myself feared the idea of the religion until I was educated by a friend of mine about the difference between the religion and extremism. This form of hijacking ideology can be seen in examples like the Westboro Baptist Church or even Hitler. Terrorists do not represent the true spirit of Islam no matter what the former tries to force people to believe. Just as the WBC is not the true spirit of Christianity, and so on and so forth. But even during the time I had feared the religion before gaining understanding and clarity, I never confronted or mistreated any practicing Muslim or Arab-American. Ever. I never posted hate or spewed vitriol against them. Just like with the current pandemic, I still cannot believe there are people out there attack Asian-Americans as if this whole thing is their fault. That's still mind boggling to me and it is absolutely 100% WRONG. It should not be happening. Same with Islamophobia. And it breaks my heart to read that many Arab-Americans and practicing Muslims still worry when this anniversary comes around that they may be attacked. It might not mean much, but I just want to say I am truly sorry for that and you have my full support. Always.

Did we go to war and was it just? Yes we did go to war. Was it just? Afghanistan? I need more information in order to have a fully-formed opinion but there are plenty who say yes and plenty who say no. Plenty who say we made things better over there (before we exited and the Taliban advanced) and plenty who say we didn't and only made it worse. I truly cannot say which assertion is correct and I think it would be narrow-minded and completely moronic (and possibly arrogant and presumptuous?) of me to speak on a subject I know so little about, one way or the other. Iraq? No, I don't think it was just and I honestly wish we could go back and do things differently.

But coming back to 9/11 and what this day means for so many, the people who died, the people who rushed headfirst into danger, the people who lost their loved ones. We saw incredible bravery, selflessness, and compassion for your fellow human that day despite what happened. We saw the strength within ourselves despite the fear and anger. We saw resilience. That is what the anniversary is meant to be a reminder of. The sacrifices, the loss, the courage, and the strength. Black, White, Gay, Straight, Christian, Muslim, Man, Woman, Young, Old -- it didn't matter. We all came together.

So regardless of whether it's the cool thing to do right now on this site (or elsewhere) to hate on America or 9/11 or white Americans or the anniversary itself on the very anniversary of these attacks, I ask that you please consider when posting these hurtful (and frankly harmful) words of hatred and vitriol such as referenced above that there are people out there who lost their loved ones on 9/11, that yes some of them may be on this very site and going through the 9/11 tag, and that some of them may have even lost a loved one in either war and are again on this site reading your words. Regardless of what you think or feel, please consider them and tag appropriately if you're going to post. Please consider that some of these people are currently losing their loved ones due to 9/11-related illnesses because of the cleanup at Ground Zero. Please consider that there are children who lost a parent or loved one, or who were orphaned that day (yes, they exist, we had some in our school district) who are also on this site reading your words. Basically, please just consider and be considerate. Please stop spreading hatred on a day that happened due to hatred; please stop perpetuating that cycle.

Like Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

TLDR: Love and light, my friends. Love and light. ✌️❤️

[sapphixxx]

Like, sure, being dumped for a man sucks. But it's not actually worse than being dumped for a woman. You can rationalize it by saying it feels like a reaffirmation of society devaluing relationships between women, but newsflash asshole, your ex isn't some abstract representation of ~society~, she's a real person just trying to find a good partner. Her options include men, so yeah, there's a pretty good chance she'll date a man. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not actually about you. I mean hell, sometimes your ex will even make it explicit that she's dumping you because she thinks relationships with men are more important. I've been in that position, and yeah, it hurts. But that's all it does: hurt. Again, it's not all about you. You're a big girl, you can deal with it. No matter how much you might feel betrayed and heartbroken, it's no excuse to take that and paint bi women as inherently untrustworthy, the enemy, slaves to the patriarchy who just want to play with your feelings or whatever paranoid self centered conspiracy theories you want to spin up. Cause you know what sucks WAY WAY WAY more than some shitty breakup? Trying to be part of a community that is supposed to be there for you, but is seething with resentment and hostility towards you. Even if she does see her relationships with women as less meaningful, her being bi didn't do that, the homophobic society we live in did that. I mean, get over yourself for a second and think about that, where's your empathy for someone intentionally closing themselves off to some of the relationships they're in cause they can't bring themselves to think of them as real? You can laugh and nod sadly and knowingly when you read stories about how long women struggled to recognize their attraction to other women, all the ways they downplayed it and ran away from it and were scared by it and refused to acknowledge it, tried to say it's something else or just a phase, but suddenly if they're also attracted to men you expect it to be easy for them? How in the world is that supposed to make sense? And if you're so worried about them seeing their relationships with other women as legitimate, where do you think they're gonna find that kind of support, let alone the women you think they should be dating, if, again, you've gone out of your way to make your community as horrible as possible for them? I mean jesus christ, you experience what it's like living in a homophobic society, not being able to talk about who you're attracted to or who you're dating to friends and family and co-workers lest they turn on you, and not only do you think bi women are exempt from that for some reason, but you want to treat them the exact same way cishet people treat you? What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you really suffer the homophobic vitriol your Fox News addicted evangelical great aunt spewed at you and think "Oh man I can't wait to do this to someone else!"

Relationships between two women aren't superior or more progressive then ones between a woman and a man. They aren't inherently safer or more egalitarian either. I can tell you from experience there are absolutely women who will refuse to cook or clean or look after children, who will sexually abuse you, manipulate you, gaslight you, and take your money. Being a lesbian didn't save me from any of that, and it was just as bad as if a man did it. You face homophobia in the streets? Guess what, they face the exact same homophobia. Yes, even when they're dating men. Often times even by those men they share a house with. Yes, even if they stay in the closet! I mean fuck, do you remember what it was like being in the closet? Was that liberating and privileged and safe and awesome or did it fucking suck and just make you terrified of the people around you finding out and hurting you? And on top of that, even when they date women, they face biphobia from them, too, and in both instances it leads to abuse.

Between lesbians and bi women neither has it easier. Some of the shit they face is different, but it's the difference between being hit in the head with a tire iron or a baseball bat. You're really gonna quibble over which is worse rather than focus on the people hitting us both in the head with blunt objects? Really? They've got unique experiences, but they have so much in common that treating them as categorically incomparable and mutually unintelligible is just stupid. We're all just fucking people trying to find love, and we all risk getting hurt in the process. Get over your juvenile hangups about women dating men, get over whatever stupid baggage you've got, and just be there for your sisters. Fucking hell.

All of these sentiments go out to bi people of all genders, this is just a response to specific shit I'm seeing and familiar with in my own experiences among the wlw community.

[chaotic-historian]

So, I've been meaning to watch The Terror for a while now, and finally sat down to read some reviews and figure out if it's worth watching. I went into this thinking that it was a normal, high-production-value version of a realistic historical show. Like ITVs Victoria, but with more lead poisoning, and general death and suffering. The show, I thought, is based on a book, which usually in historical shows means a biography. Imagine my shock when I discovered that this is, in fact, a historical horror fantasy.

And here's why that is a good thing

Initially I was disheartened by this knowledge, but I caved and decided to watch some scenes that were available on YouTube, to get a sense as to how they managed this horror addition. And I was unsettled, I was scared. I did not know what could or would happen to these characters, whom I knew as historical people. Suddenly, I was taken out of a familiar narrative, unto uncharted waters, cast into a world where I didn't know what could possibly be out there.

Just like they were.

The Franklin Expedition was set in motion precisely because there were uncharted waters. They were charting them. In addition, no one had yet explored what might lay beneath the ice, in the unimaginably frigid Arctic waters, so, to the men on on the Erebus and Terror, potentially anything could be down there. Without a doubt they must've been terrified, and their imaginations preyed upon by the sheer weight of the unknown. After all, the most frightening thing about the unknown isn't the unknown itself, but the potential of what might inhabit it.

They were in uncharted waters, never knowing what might happen to them or indeed the ships, wondering upon the potential unknown dangers that might lurk beneath them. A few were, as the show correctly points out, former Arctic explorers themselves, including Sir John Franklin. They knew the dangerous potential in the men themselves, if they should be struck by despair. Add to that the fear of what might potentially be out there, and the fact that these men were all caged up in wood and iron hulls, with an icy wasteland pressing in on all sides, battling cold, constant potential destruction of the ships, and slow, sneaking lead poisoning.

The lead poisoning would've caused physical discomfort that couldn't be explained, adding further to the anxieties of those on board, and when they camped it likely did not get better. Lead poisoning also causes delusions, feeding their already hyperactive imaginations.

Watching a show that tackles things as they historically unfurled aboard the HMS Erebus and HMS Terror would probably be upsetting. Most likely the viewer would be somewhat affected - but since we know the outcome, and many of us have been subjected to the horrid vision of young Torrington's frozen, desiccated face, we know what to expect. Unless we possess a level of empathy bordering on the unhealthy, we simply would not be able to feel even a small fragment of the terror (pun intended) that those on the expedition must have lived with as a constant companion.

Enter the horror element.

By pushing us out of the expected narrative, and making us suddenly unsure of what is out there in the waters traversed by the Erebus and Terror of the show, the writers cleverly force us to feel just a twinge of the insecurity, the fear, the paralysing knowledge of ignorance and powerlessness, that these men must've felt during the whole expedition, but most acutely towards the end of their lives, as delirium took them one by one, and they perished to cannibalism and exposure.

That is why the horror element works in the show. That is why it is a very, very effective narrative, and that is why I wholeheartedly applaud the decision to include it. Even as a historian, who usually dislike heavy fictionalisation. This works.

Generally, the opinion amongst professional Historians is that history should be taught in an accurate and objective way. This has its merit, but I do not subscribe to the idea that all other ways of representing history are thereby inherently false. On the contrary, I believe that the most effective way of teaching history, and getting people to care about the people of the past, is to make them feel history. The Terror does this extremely well, through the unusual horror tactic, and I appreciate and applaud this decision.

[lemonmeringueprincess]

The Mind of  a Broken Soldier (Leave Me Be, Chapter 2 )

Hello People of Tumblr ! It’s ya girl Hazel ! I am back again with another chapter which i am 100% sure NOBODY request it because nobody requested this story in the first place but i’m still continuing it because i feel like it. I was planning on continuing this story and give sly nods to WandaVision and The Falcon and The Winter Soldier here and there along the way. Not in this chapter but... maybe on future chapters. But I’ll see how this one goes and where my idea leads me to.

So you need to read Chapter 1 to be able to understand this chapter properly because this chapter is solely Bucky’s point of view of the reader and some random thoughts. I love reading novels and love their style of writing hence i aspire to write a decent and proper story fanfiction. I mean when you read some books, there will be several chapters viewed from that other characters’ perspective so i decided to implement that style to my story. 

So once again, thank you so much if you decided to pop by, read it and love it. Don’t be shy to pop by my message box to share some ideas you have or maybe you just wanna vibe together, I’d love to do that with you guys too. But please please please don’t be mean if you don’t like it. FYI, this chapter is slightly shorter than the first chapter. Love, Hazel .

Disclaimer: No disclaimer or any warnings. But definitely do me and yourself a favour and check out Chapter 1 so you can properly comprehend this chapter with ease :) 

Characters : Bucky x Reader; teeny weeny mention of Sam :)

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“Look man, I know we don’t really see eye to eye but I call to check on her…How’s she doin’?” Sam heaved a sigh of empathy from across the line.

I tightened my grip upon the thin, slick and smooth communication tool which now known as smartphone that I hadn’t had the chance to acquaint with. I let out a sigh of desperation, desperate of ways to haul her from the rabbit hole she’s now falling into. My fingers combing through my unruly long hair that’s bundled up in a disheveled bun. A bad habit of mine when I’m in desperation and anxiety.

“It’s been a week since Steve walked out from her life and if I’m being honest, Sam, she’s not doing very well. She’s…she’s been nestled up in her room since then.” I heaved another sigh of despair, my right human arm gripping the kitchen counter tightly in effort to prop myself while the other man-made hand still latched onto the phone.

“I even had to force feed her just to keep her alive for god sake.” I asserted whilst rubbing my right eye with the heel of my right human hand and quietly strutting towards her door. Leaning my side against the stark beige wooden door, plopping my ear against it to silently eavesdrop, just like how I had done countless times to check on her well-being without having to barge into the door. Soft whimper gradually shifted into muffled sobs. I closed my eyes, let my head hung low as if my neck was already tired enough to brace the weight of obstacles and desperation that merge into one and let out a long exhale.

“Gotta go, Sam… I’ll call you back.” I lowered my voice into mutter and hung up.

Even though I had known Steve for so many years, sometimes I still couldn’t decipher what’s in head. Recalling back to the 40s, way before he and I even considered enlisted into the army, women would always prefer me over Steve to take me out as their dancing partner when we’re at the bar. I felt bad for him and he’d sometimes complained that if only there’s the one out there who would see him through his frail and tiny stature. Seventy three years later, he abandoned the woman who’s been through with him through thick and thin, put up with his stupid decisions and god knows what more for eight years, for Peggy.

The woman whom he knew for only two years and only dated briefly.

The woman whom he’d share his infatuation and obsession with.

The woman he met at the army who didn’t even spare him a glance…not until after he’s gone through physical changes then eventually decided to give him a chance.

I wouldn’t even consider that as official if they only exchange flirting and longing glances at the office…

bar… 

and even Howard Stark’s Lab.

Clasping my hand upon the door handle, I levered it down and pushed open the door generating soft creaking from the hinge. I tiptoed my way in and left the door ajar. There she was… dressed down in only white camisole and panties while curled up in a fetal position upon the bed which was a bit too spacious now for a single person. Her back facing towards me, shoulders quivering from muffling her own sobs into whimper. 

Oh Steve… what have you done…

I slowly crept my way towards her and slowly sank myself on the bed. I was hesitant to lay next to her but I tried to push that thought away considering her mental health was already at stake. If I left her untended, she might eventually spiraled into deep depression and she’s already halfway there. So I laid next to her, draped my arm over her frail, delicate and small body to hold her close as if sheltering her from her own whirlpool of emotions . While offering her the comfort of silence, my mind wander off to how on earth Wanda dealt with her own grief… poor kid not only lost her significant other but also her twin brother and parents as I was informed by Sam. My train of thought was halted when I heard her croaked a rhetorical question, 

“H-h-he’s not coming back, is he? Did that prick even try second guessing his decisions?”

I wish I could do more than being her shoulder to cry on and dragging Steve back by the ear. That punk really took all the stupid with him. I contemplated whether I should say something decent to comfort and lift her spirit but I retracted. “I’m sorry, Doll… “ Were the only words I could muster from my still-healing disrupted mind. After Hydra’s infamous torturous events and being sent away to Wakanda to get my mind fixed. I found that I had difficulties of expressing my thought and feelings emotionally from the years of being over-electrocuted and memory-wiped conducted by Hydra, more strenuous than my old self. Not that I couldn’t do it but I realized it took more time to do so.

But even so I still try to rack my brain, dig deeper to find something nice to say; to make myself feel a tad better for at least doing something good in my life for once after the horrendous past, to at least counteract all those gruesome dirty work I unconsciously did to the others.

“I tried talking some sense into him, but he was very adamant of his decision. That punk…I’m really sorry…” i tried to string those words together carefully, worried that one step further or slight wrong move might set the fire ablaze even more. At this point, I was scared considering I had never connected to women emotionally. Sure I’d dated many women back in the 40s, but never considered them seriously… Now I know how it felt to wear their shoes, to know how it felt to be ditched and forgotten, even though I didn’t experience it firsthand.

Running out of options and words to say, I scooted closer whilst tightened my embrace and inhaling her scent, a hint of fresh bed linen and lavender; Steve hates it when women used too much perfume to the point it’s suffocating. I remember he’d always complained about the atrocious penetrating smell of perfume whenever we walked past the women at the bar.

“Doll… tell me what to do… I can’t bear seeing you breaking apart like this and I am running out of ways to numb your pain…” I consoled.

I used to be a good pep talker, a great one even; constantly spewing encouragement and lending a piece of advice or two to Steve. But I guess I had to shift my roles and be the good listener instead.

I did not expect her to open her heart and confide everything, as if she was confessing everything to me. I could only fervently listen to her anguish secrets that had been tormenting and keeping her awake. I felt really bad for the insecurity and self- doubt she had to endure these past years. Constant comparison with Peggy and doubting herself; nevertheless, she still fought her way to prove her worth… such strenuous and tenacious effort just to keep Steve’s attention to her…

Oh Steve… if only you’re in my position now, you’d know how much effort it took for her to keep up with your fantasy. They said love is full of sacrifices but not as much sacrifice from one side, both sides needed to make equal sacrifices to make things work, if one sacrifices too much, they’d weaken because they’re giving out too much and eventually died, just like her.

I knew Steve was always oblivious with things, but never as horrid as this. My heart sympathized and mourned for her. Eight years of relationship that she fought so hard to keep slipped out of her hands just like that.

“I-i-i-it h-h-h-urts, Buck… it hurts…He’s my first love, first kiss and…”

I felt her body shook under my embrace. No longer able to withstand her emotional suffer, I tried to soothe and lull her to sleep.

“I know, Doll. But I promise you’ll get through it, I promise to be with you every step of the way. We will get through it. I am not going anywhere. I am not going to walk out this door, not until you kick me out because you’re so sick of looking at my face. You have my word, Doll. I am staying.” I promised.

I promised myself I’d be there to pick up the pieces regardless of any circumstances, because it’s the right thing to do. I’d be there to hoist her up when no one else could. i’m doing what a good friend would do... It’s the right thing to do … Right?