#therapy has been helping me put a lot into perspective lately

[zirkkun]

hello i've briefly returned from my long hiatus

i'm. working on stuff? if you noticed i unfollowed you it's because i'm massively narrowing down the stuff on my feed. it doesn't mean i have anything against you! im just trying to keep my social media feeds more curated. i've gotten a massive spike of anxiety even thinking about going anywhere online other than a couple of my friends' dm's and tiny servers on discord lately. but i want to be able to share my work. being able to share my work and allow my thoughts to impact other people is what gives me the greatest joy... i've just been so scared to share anything really because i gained such a panic that anything i would say would open the floodgates for harassment of any kind, no matter what i said or even what i didn't say. i've not been directly hurt by this, it's mostly just an unending fear of imagining the worst possible outcome. but i know a lot of people who have, some of which are my closest friends, and the internet isn't... as fun as it used to be.

it's taken me ages to even want to make this post at all. it's arguably the last time i will be bluntly honest about my feelings directly for the foreseeable future, because i no longer feel safe doing so with anyone other than a couple few close friends. i'm not saying this to point any fingers or try and say others are the problem, i'm simply stating my feelings to explain why i've taken the actions i have. i'm gonna be making a lot of changes to how i post things and reorganizing stuff around so it will hopefully be a lot easier for me in the future to be less frightened to even open any social media page, and in turn, i'll still be able to share my works with people who adore seeing them or who may even need to see them, depending on the content. but if i become more closed off to messages and asks and stuff, well, I apologize, but i'm not in the mental headspace to handle it right now.

i appreciate everyone who has stuck around here despite my absence. the amount of people still following me even though i've barely posted anything in ages is... astounding to me. thank you. whether or not it was intentional hoping i would come back or you simply forgot you followed me ages ago, thank you.

hopefully this change ends up being for the better for everyone.

[cosmicwindmillsystem]

Do you have any advice for people who are about to start EMDR?

actually yes! And I’m so glad you asked because idk if I ever would’ve thought about making it into a post! apologies for the late response but wanted to give it a lot of thought! I’ve been doing EMDR on and off for about 3.5 years now with my therapist, as a disclaimer: I am not an expert so this would be my advice based on my personal experience with and knowledge of EMDR.

1. Make sure you trust your therapist or whoever the professional who will be guiding you through the experience is; also make sure that they are qualified with EMDR experience. They should not offer the option if they have no experience with it.

2. Make sure you are in a relatively stable enough place to go through it. Don’t lie just because you want to do it. it’s a very intense psychological experience and can be draining so just be somewhat prepared and don’t be surprised if you feel kinda worn out the rest of the day after the session. There have been times I have taken breaks from EMDR when other issues of life became problematic and as a result I was less stable. It’s not something you want to force when you’re not stable enough, for safety reasons. For me it was difficult to admit I wasn’t stable enough as I wanted to just “push through” thinking it’ll automatically heal me, but it doesn’t quite work that way.

3. My sister is also a licensed therapist and gave me this metaphor when I was struggling with EMDR, it has shifted my perspective and helped me a lot. Think of EMDR as riding a train through your subconscious/inner world (however you like to think of it). In between the bilateral stimulation parts your therapist will usually ask something such as “what are you noticing”. This is when you peek out the train window or poke your head out and see where the train has stopped. but you stay on the train and then repeat the process at the next stop. Do your very best to observe and not be “sucked in” to whatever you are noticing. What you notice could be an image your brain gives you, it could be a memory, or a physical sensation of some kind as well. It’s kind cool like your brain is communicating with you!

4. EMDR does require bringing up and having to somewhat relive your trauma in the controlled environment, which is why you want to make sure you trust your therapist and have any grounding items nearby or with you. If you go in person and drive yourself, don’t feel the need to drive away immediately. It’s okay to sit for a while until you’re ready. If you do telehealth maybe keep some grounding items near you and always be in a room/environment where you feel really safe. Allow time afterwards for some self care and taking it easy.

5. My therapist describes it as a process to try and close the trauma loop in a way that the memories don’t impact you quite as badly. Some have equated it to “exposure therapy but make it trauma”, although it’s kinda right, it’s more complex than that. Often things that come up repeatedly can be clues, like a branch of a tree, and through sessions you may find the roots deeper down. There may be root memories you’re not aware of and through EMDR you may eventually find those roots when you’re ready.

6. Be patient!!! You don’t want to overthink or over analyze it too much outside of therapy. It’s okay and natural to think of it but don’t try too hard to investigate, give your brain time and it will probably make sense later down the road when you are ready. I usually will write down something if it comes up and then try to put it out of my mind until next session. Don’t push yourself or judge too hard. It is a lot to go through and very heavy, it makes sense to feel frustrated or discouraged but you will make progress in your own time. Don’t be afraid to use a stop signal if you feel overwhelmed, you don’t always have to keep going!

7. Be honest! Do your very best to not worry about being judged or anything like that. Let your brain go where it needs to go without judgment or trying to control it. Don’t lie or try to force your session to to a certain way, all it will do is slow your progress! (Not trying to call anyone a liar intentionally, but sometimes we would try to direct or deflect certain things in session due to feeling like we needed more progress faster and fears/anxieties/doubts, as an impulse reaction almost, in this case we think about it for a while and journal on it until we have the words to talk it out and explain more in another session later on. “Lying” in this context can also just simply be telling your therapist you’re okay when you know that you are not.)

I hope this helps and makes some kind of sense! Wishing you lots of love and comfort as you start your journey with EMDR ❤️‍🩹

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Buck NEEDS Trauma Processing, Stat!

Because of Buck’s really surprising 516 discussion of his 218 leg injury and early s3 blood clots etc, the impact of the shooting and hostage situation on Buck have been on my mind A LOT lately. The floodgates are opening for him…wider than before apparently. We’ve known for a while that Buck needs to process the traumas he’s experienced but his graphic overshare with a patient on a rescue (combined with Eddie’s overwhelm & plea for Buck to stop!) really drove that point home for me.

I can’t stop thinking about Buck’s various reactions to Eddie being shot in 414. Buck was shook to his core! 

We only have 2 more eps left in s5 and we have still only gotten honorable mentions of the shooting, but no actual discussion of either of their specific feelings about it! Both men are still incredibly reticent to get into. There are a host of character and narrative reasons why I guess, but if the silence around it was loud at the start of s5 then it’s deafening now in the 11th hour!

Eddie’s run in with the well back in s3 affected Buck but the show didn’t really show us much of the impact beyond the episode in which it happened. The shooting was different. We have gotten tidbits of quiet reactions from Buck that I think are specifically related to the shooting (and of course is pinging things that came before and after).

In 502 when Eddie talks about the panic attacks, Buck suggests that it could be about the shooting and Eddie dismisses that. I couldn’t find the exact gif I wanted but Buck looked away like he needed to hide the fact that the shooting did indeed still affect him, even if Eddie claimed to be fine. It was like he was in a low-key version of “stow it away and save the next one” mode where Eddie was the next one in that case because of the panic attacks.

Then in 506 Buck is worried out of his mind about Eddie again. He spends the whole ambulance ride staring at Mitchell’s gun and then just waiting in the hospital for Eddie to make it out of the deadly situation alive. While he’s waiting he looked terrified most of the time but also like a man who was reminded of the shooting and his terror in that situation too. But he swallows it.

Eddie of course has a TON going on this season. I think Eddie is working his way up to talking about the shooting and hostage situation with Buck if Eddie’s conversation with Carla in 510 and his therapy session in 513 with Frank are any indication. Eddie’s going through a slow, measured, therapist-guided ascent from the depths of his pain. He’ll get to the shooting (and by extension the hostage situation) eventually I think but he’s not ready quite yet. There’s an order of operations and he’s working the problem. 

Buck seems different. He’s stowed it away. Maybe he’s avoiding the hard topic for his own sake, or waiting for Eddie to be ready to process it with him, or both. Either way, Buck does seem personally invested in pretending like he’s fine. I mean - the man did say sometimes “I hide my true feelings from others” at the start of s4. He was leveled by the shooting in ways I don’t think he can quite put into words yet. On top of that, it’s like if he can’t start the conversation in terms of Eddie’s well-being first and foremost (rather than his own) then it’s not worth bringing up. 

Buck mentioned the shooting in 514 but it was just a mention and expressly for the purpose of helping Eddie to see that he’d given Charlie a second chance. Even when Buck raised the issue of the shooting in a practical and focused way, he broke eye contact for a second and ducked his head way down in what seemed like intentionally non-threatening (and maybe guilty?) body language. It stood out to me because Buck is tall and takes up space but he seemed to be working hard not to in that moment. Like he wanted Eddie to know without a doubt that this wasn’t Buck’s time to feel his feelings about the shooting, but Eddie’s time to gain some healing perspective.

I would imagine that Buck still harbors feelings of fear, shame, and guilt over the shooting and then the hostage situation compounded that because he had to leave Eddie with Mitchell. I don’t think he feels like he’s allowed to be wrecked too over how afraid he was and how helpless he felt and over almost losing someone who means so damn much to him. 

Even in 516 when Buck was worried about Bobby after the dispatch ceiling collapse, later at the hospital, something about the way Buck looked at Eddie while everyone was talking about Bobby how luck Bobby was made me think that conversation was probably talking about both Bobby and Eddie being lucky to be alive! Like Buck was taking that moment to acknowledge/celebrate Bobby’s new lease on life and bask in Eddie’s too!

All the moments above where it looked like Buck was actively swallowing or hiding his feelings for Eddie’s sake, they all stood out for me because I think that pattern of Buck pretending with Eddie has to break this season, just like Eddie’s pattern had to break with Buck. 

I wonder if the Buck issue that some folks been predicted at the Henren vow renewal (thanks @stagefoureddiediaz​ & bts pics of white-shirt clad Buck!) will have something to do with Buck’s emotional dam breaking down and his trauma being forced to the surface! Perhaps a trigger event like cocktail sauce all over his perfect white shirt ?!?!?! Bonus points if Eddie causes this or sees this happen and has to whisk Buck away due to dissociation or a panic attack!

The last thing I want is for the Henren vow renewal to be highjacked by Buck’s feelings but I think there are some creative ways to have a moment where something happens with Buck and they have to at least broach the fact that there are unresolved shooting issues/feelings for Buck too, not just Eddie.

[clunelover]

Agh I had a bad phone call with my dad. So background is - my sister from NC was here for thanksgiving with her GF. She got in Thursday morning and left early Sunday morning. We had thanksgiving of course, and then Friday I had been planning to go out on the town with her and my other sister and their SOs. But everyone got too drunk on thanksgiving and we were tired and mutually agreed not to go out. But I did still see her Friday, just more low key dinner and arts and crafts at my stepmom’s house. Then Saturday I was supposed to go to a comedy show with her and her gf - but that was the day I just kept feeling shittier and shittier, and then tested myself for covid, and sure enough positive.

A few days ago he said he’d like to go to coffee with me, his treat (🚨🚨🚨). I said I was still recovering from covid and wouldn’t be up to it. He said let’s talk on the phone. My assumption was that I was in for some kind of lecture, and of course I was! It basically went like:

Dad: “I wanted to reach out to you, cause I’m disappointed that you didn’t get a chance to connect with [sister] while she was here. And [sister] and [stepmom] both told me that you’ve been suffering from a lot of anxiety. And you know, when I was your age, I was scared of the world—”

At which point I just started saying “Stop. Stop. This is not helping. Do you understand that the reason I didn’t see her on her last night is because I had covid? Which I am still recovering from?”

And he said “oh, Meredith…I know” but in this patronizing tone like he thought I was making it up.

I said “Does that not count?”

And he said “well, one doesn’t rule out the other” (ie having covid doesn’t mean I’m not ruled by anxiety).

So then I said “Yes, I do have anxiety. But I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I have supports in place. I don’t need you to tell me how to deal with my anxiety.”

And he said “All I said was that I wanted to reach out to you. So, I’m sorry I did.” And then he quickly got off the phone.

—

I was furious and so sad - but also proud of myself for stopping him before I could hear the lecture. Also by the way, he is always so hurt that I don’t want to see him much or talk to him on the phone - ahem, this is why! I cannot trust that he’s not going to do something like this. Or be high (actually, credit where credit is due, I landed into him once for calling me high on weed and he never did again that I know of - but the point is I just still can’t trust him).

—

So I texted him this:

Dad, I’m sorry I got reactive. I do suffer from anxiety, among other things. And I appreciate your concern. I know you want me to be happy and healthy. But I don’t think you understand that when you start off with “you know, when I was your age, I was scared of the world” - it really seems like you were gearing up to give me a big lecture about all the things you’ve learned, that you can teach me. I would love to be supported by you, as a dad - but you often come at it from a perspective that’s more professorial, like you’re an expert on all things mental health and recovery and you’re going to lecture me into being better.

But, from my perspective - I am a very successful person, with a great family, who has excelled in my hobby of writing and been achieving more in that area lately, and who also suffers from several mental illnesses. This is my struggle, and it will be a lifelong one with ups and downs. And I do think I’ve done a pretty good job of putting the supports in place in my life to deal with this! I am not scared of the world. I also want to gently say that one thing I’ve worked on in therapy, is this pervasive feeling that someone is always mad at me. And that is a feeling I got from childhood - from mom, but also from you. Just now you reinforced this idea, that you are observing my behavior and disapproving and gearing up to lecture or yell at me. This is how I felt growing up, so admittedly it’s a trigger.

I could use your support in the form of, I don’t know, just being there for me - listening if I want to talk, but otherwise trusting that I don’t want to get most of my mental health support from my parents. And not lecturing me. Even if it’s coming from a really well intentioned place, I don’t think it’s ever going to land with me. Does that make sense?

—

He just replied with a few brief words of apology, but the more I think of it, the angrier I am.

I’m like, okay I’m sitting here with a masters degree, a great career, a really nice house, a loving husband, a couple of smart, sweet, and fairly well raised kids, a few close friends and a couple passions and hobbies - but he makes me feel like I’m not living right somehow. I have struggles, big ones, but I must be doing something right!

I think part of it must be jealousy - like, he’s a thrice-divorced, recovering alcoholic and drug addict with PTSD, who has a PhD and was a professor and expert witness, but has been unemployed due to physical disability but also those other issues, for quite some time, and now lives in a studio apartment and drives Uber. I’m sure it’s hard for him to see me having some similar mental health issues but be more stable and successful. When I moved into this much larger house I think all he said was “won’t it be hard for you to keep this place clean?” But it sucks that he doesn’t process that, and instead gives in to this urge to feel better by taking me down a peg. And that it still works on me! He makes me feel like I’m a bad kid who did something wrong!

[mama-qwerty]

Hello! Here are some questions I'm asking fanfic writers for fun and for you to answer if you feel like it!!! :DD:

1. What is your favourite fic you have written and why? (This can be something you haven't published yet or a general story idea)

2. How long have you been writing fics for? (In general regardless of fandoms)

3. Best friend you have met through the Sonic fandom?

4. Another writer in the fandom who's work you admire?

5. Favourite Sonic oc you have made and why? (If you haven't made any then skip this one)

6. Your favourite (or favourites if it's hard to pick) fanfiction you've read?

7. Which fic have you written which has the most sentimental value or story behind it?

8. Favourite Sonic character?

If I have sent you this, love your work!!! Hope you have a good day and thank u for your contribution to the fandom!!!

So sorry it's taken me this long to respond! I read it on my phone, which removed the notification, and promptly forgot about it. Outta sight, outta mind.

Favorite fic I've written

This is a really hard one, because I like different ones for different reasons. Sheriff Prower was probably the one I had the most fun writing, although Forced Perspective was interesting because the writing style was so different. I'm enjoying my Knuckles au Lost and Found, mostly because I love Knux and putting him with Callie is a lot of fun.

It's hard to choose just one!

2. How long have I been writing fanfics

This is really gonna date me. I started writing fanfiction waaaaay back in the late 90s, I'm thinking about '97 or '98 or so, for Hey, Arnold! Back then there was a site specifically for HA! fanfics, although I forget the name of it. It's been a looooong time.

I reposted those fics on my FFnet account in Jan of 2006. So . . . I technically started writing fanfics about 25-ish years ago. (Although there were periods I fell out of fandoms and went through some deep, deep depressive states and didn't write at all.) But I wrote some for Hey, Arnold!, Fairly OddParents, My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, before Sonic.

3. Best friend in the Sonic fandom

I have a super hard time making friends, I'm so socially awkward it's really hard for me. But the two who've been right there for me are @stillafanofsonic and @doomfox. Love you both! ~kisses~

(I'm also of the "I don't want to bother anyone" mindset so I rarely initiate first contact, but if anyone out there wants to chat, hit me up!)

4. Other writers I admire

Gah, there are so many. @stillafanofsonic, @doomfox, @skimmingthesurfaces, @chaoxfix, @appendingfic, @mcfanely, and a bunch others I can't think of right now because my brain's fizzling out. So many talented writers in this fandom.

5. Fave Sonic OC of mine

This one's a no-brainer. My only oc, Callie MacPherson. Yes, she's a bit of a self-insert, but honestly, I created her to be a contrast to the "perfect mother" the fandom has turned Maddie into. (And I admit, I'm just as guilty of that.)

Cal is flawed--she's sarcastic as hell, impatient, gets frustrated, has a bit of a temper, doesn't like to talk about her feelings, stubborn as a mule, and can sometimes act before really thinking things through. She helps others with their problems so she doesn't have to think about her own.

6. Fave fanfiction I've read

It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE for me to pick just one. There are so, so many. Any by the writers I named above are great stories.

7. Most sentimental fic I've written

That would definitely have to be An End and a Beginning, dealing with pet death. Over the last few years we'd lost a number of cats, all of which we'd had since they were babies. I was missing them like crazy and decided to put that into a story. Writing is cheaper than therapy.

8. Fave Sonic character

Knuckles. Followed by Eclipse, Silver, and Shadow.

Thanks for the ask, Anon! I'm glad you like my stuff and hope you enjoy your day!

[alltheselights]

Lately I’ve thought about that maybe louis just kind of kept on his extremely curated public image from 1d, the mischevious party lad personality to protect his personal life..? Don’t get me wrong, a lot of what he says is visible and therefore true, e.g. the drinking, smoking, partying etc. But his performative working class personality is kinda pissing me off claiming hes never had therapy or prosecco, like PLEASE. It might be true, but it annoys me that he sounds so proud saying it, but he has been a millionare for over a decade? And I just had a thought that maybe he just puts on his Louis TomlinsonTM hat and goes on about his public life, like maybe he doesn’t want to talk or get asked about his family, therapy, rich lifestyle and so on, but it’s just so weird to me that he is so vocal about some laddy stuff

I think he’s really over-the-top about it at times and it does come across as unlikable and disingenuous - those quotes from the JoJo Wright interview in particular were really bad and though I haven’t reblogged them yet, the tags on them are all like “bro, stop with this shit.” And if that’s fans getting annoyed by his attitude, you can only imagine how the public will respond.

In my view, it’s not so much about guarding his personal life as it is just him thinking that it makes him more relatable and will help him to fit into the indie and alternative scene. I think the people he is surrounded with also don’t help because they seem to agree that he needs to be this laddy lad bro pal in order to sell himself and his music when that’s just not the case. Some of it is Louis, and some of it is the lack of creative thinking and diversity of his team. There’s a reason why nobody on his team has said a damn thing about the fact that his photoshoots and promo images all look the same, smoking and drinking are highlighted in almost every interview and tons of photos, and an album entitled Faith In The Future and even most of the music videos for the album present Louis as miserable or stoic despite the optimistic title. A talented marketing and communications professional would recognize that presenting Louis in such a one-dimensional way is not drawing people in and does not at all do justice to the truly incredible music that he’s made with this album. Yet Louis’ team says nothing because they’re almost all white men with the same perspective.

I have no doubt that there are kernels of truth in Louis’ laddy image - he likes to drink beer, he’d rather hang out at a pub than go to a fancy restaurant, he doesn’t enjoy a lot of the Hollywood lifestyle. Those things can all be true and he can still present himself as we know he is, which is as a very emotionally intelligent and genuinely sweet person. We see that in him day-to-day with how he interacts with people, and then you get him in certain interview contexts and suddenly he sounds like a bit of an asshole with a superiority complex because he doesn’t drink wine or like nice things.

The irony of Louis’ image is that he wants to convince you that he’s just 100% a lad and that what you see is what you get when that’s actually not true at all. He’s so much more complex than he presents himself a lot of the time, and you just have to ask certain questions or watch him interact with people to see the truth of who he is, which is as far from an asshole as someone could be.

The indie scene isn’t going to accept him no matter how many times he says he hates posh restaurants and doesn’t drink prosecco and is such a Donny boy, so he might as well try just being himself and making the music he wants to make without the over-the-top attempts to show a one-dimensional image.

[nordictwin]

I couldn't find it, but that post about how knitting and making something makes things feel a little less bleak?

I get it now.

My life's been really stressed and messy lately, with a snap decision to start studying again, insecurities about income and job-hunting, as well as a ton of background family issues. 2023 has just been all-around rough on me, and I know I haven't been dealing well with it. (Starting the process of finally getting some therapy, though, which is an entirely different story for another day).

Point is, it's been rough. But then, on a whim, I decided to finally start doing this embroidery kit, which I've had sitting around for ages. I haven't done any sort of embroidery since one obligatory thing in middle school, but I threw myself at it anyways. And all of a sudden it's like... things just feel a little less bleak. Yeah, I'm still feeling stressed about life in general. I've been job-hunting for 3 years with no luck, my motivation for writing is down the drain, and I'm just so tired all the time.

But now I've started doing this little bird, and it's like... I made that. I am making this. I got out the yarn, threaded a needle, and all of a sudden there's a row of little triangles, which I know I'll eventually add more triangles to, and I made that. I can touch it, feel it, and I know I did that with my own two hands. And at the end, I'll have a nice picture, which I'll put in a frame and hang on my wall.

It's just putting some things into perspective for me. A lot of my hobbies have been screen-based for so long, but... I'm starting to understand why this is so helpful and relaxing.

If anyone's interested, I'll post more progress images periodically.

[fuwa-kuma]

An Unprompted Review of Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon

I absolutely love this book overall. It's such an interesting read and I'd definitely recommend it (I haven't watched the movie for it yet, so I don't have much to say there).

❗️ spoilers (and disorganized thoughts) below ❗️

Firstly, I will say that this book has made me a fan of Nicola Yoon's. I acknowledge that I'm super late to the party, but I am so glad to be here.

Now, let's get into it. One thing that I love about this book is not just the story itself, but how it's written. It's almost like reading a diary (which was an intentional and appreciated touch) and really puts into perspective how much time Madeline spends with herself. She jots down schedules of strangers (and soon-to-be lovers) that she observes, she writes short book reviews, there are chat logs between her and Ollie, and things of that nature. It does a good job of having the reader feel engaged in her story and also gives more insight on what's happening. This style of writing also inspires me to experiment with adding illustrations and random thoughts within my own work. One thing that I don't love about this book is the pacing at a certain point. Everything is going pretty well up until we find out Madeline's mom had been making everything up. It just feels like everything happened really fast. The story blew past the fact that her mother had been lying to herself to cope with losing her husband and child. There was a lot to unpack there and all we got is that she went to therapy. I would have loved to see more exploration of what her mom has been going through. I would have also loved to see more conversation between Madeline and her mother about this. Also, the doctor that Madeline saw while in Hawaii very quickly realized that she did not have SCID. Why didn't Carla, the nurse who has been helping care for Madeline for as long as she can remember, notice this? In the book, I remember her saying something about how she "had suspicions" but there had to have been more than just suspicion, right? I guess I can't blame her too much since she probably just wants to provide for her own family but I dunno. Unless this was addressed and I just don't remember lol.

Conclusion:

I'd give this book a 4/5. I really loved it. Other than those issues above, I only have good things to say about this book. Well done, Mrs. Yoon!

[nemobookaholic]

Trust the creator of the whale

I‘ve been reading a lot of theories about Good Omens lately. And mostly I can relate, even though most of them are a bit sad or depressing. Today I decided I’m done with that. I want something uplifting.

So there are some things I need to say. Probably more for myself than for anyone else. Yet, I have a feeling it might be important to share it on here. Even though I don’t think people will read it anyway, but who knows, it’s all about hope.

Hope is the main point to it, really. When you are serious about writing, you‘ll learn not to break the promise between the reader and the writer. And I know Mr. Gaiman knows this, because he’s the one I‘ve learned it from. So can we please agree to trust the creator of the whale with his ineffable plan? Because it’s not up to us to decide, nor is it our burden either. In fact we are really lucky not to. I can imagine it’s a lot of pressure to make it right and resolve the story. Trust him, he knows his craft and has the best people possible helping to succeed on this task.

Another thing you’ll learn in writing is, (and I’m sharing this, because it’s important to understand for everyone) that what you want is not always what you need.

I know how deeply we feel for those characters. And how much fun, or kind of a therapy it can be to theorise about them. But remember, it’s not for us to decide, not our whale. We might know what they want, but do we actually know what they need?

The thing is, that I‘ve read a lot of posts that have been guided by deep emotions, and there’s nothing wrong about it.

However, as a Sherlockian, I simply want to remind us to not theorise without data. Put the emotions aside for a moment and think logically.

Trust me, I know how tempting it is, when your inner Holmes is buzzing with excitement about all the clues. But does it help to poke on the whale? If it’s only for your own pleasure or sake. I thought about this and came to the conclusion that it’s, well, a selfish act. And if we look at it from the perspective of respect, we might should think about our words and the information we share very carefully. None of us wants to do harm to the things we love, of course not. See it from the perspective of the writer for a moment. If we run wild on it, we might do harm, even if we didn’t intend to. I’m not saying that everyone should stop. I’m very aware that it’s what a fandom is living from. But think about your actions.

I guess the reason why I had to write this article is, that I read a post about Crowley and that there’s no point in being. A heavy topic and I can relate in a way. Yet I must disagree, there is a point.

Actually I‘ve been rewatching Good Omens 2 and been laughing about all the silly stuff still. So I thought how it could be, that all this gets overshadowed by 15 minutes at the end. Sure, it’s a punch into the gut, but it shows, how much we focus on the negative stuff. Even though the overall picture is lovingly splendid most of the time.

We easily forget, that it is our choice, what we want to get out of life. The answer usually is as simple as that. Which doesn’t mean that it’s comfortable to achieve. Might be even the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

The responsibility is what makes it so hard. Once you accept, that your life is within your own responsibility, as your actions are, there aren’t any excuses. There’s nobody else to blame.

It is your choice, that’s the whole point.

The positive side, however, you get a whole life to shape to your liking. With all the glorious mistakes to learn from and a million, exciting adventures. And that is, what hope is made of in my opinion. We can all use a little bit of hope.

So, create your own goddamn whale, or if you’re like me, weave a carpet, it is up to you, really.

[anislandintime]

19.5 years ago, when I first sought professional help for my mental health distress, I wept for I felt burdened by the stigma, and also felt the need for external help is a sign of my own failure.

In the following months and years, I fought the stigma and those additional thoughts by owning my condition and speaking of it openly as a personal fight against the stigma.

In 2008 when wronged by my employers led to collapse of my mental health in a major way, I walked into the cabin of the Doctor without feeling shame or feeling like a loser. In the following months I tried to kill myself after coming to believe medicines and counselling cannot do much to fight the injustice of the system. I was saved and I was pushed to go on with life and I did.

In 2010, in 2014, in 2017, I needed external help again, and I sought it without hesitation. I was only angry that I wasn't getting enough help to heal me.

In 2020 late summer I reached out to a therapist and enrolled for therapy because my own understanding and learning had made me believe there is a lot of pent up emotions that needs to be cleansed. The 8 sessions did give some perspective and did some context setting, but nothing beyond that. I just wanted to heal at the depths of my existence.

In couple of weeks after these 8 sessions got over, I accidentally gained clarity about a particular relationship in my life. It shook me. I got back to the therapist who behaved insensitively by dismissing my concerns. It shattered me. I suffered for months and months. I felt I was turning into a monster...

I reached out to a therapist who was super expensive. One session with him made me realize why he charged so high. I knew there was hope there. But because of the pandemic, and my own uncertain earnings, I couldn't afford therapy under his supervision.

Thankfully, miraculously, I found an angel like therapist within weeks. It led to one of the most alchemic experiences with my mental health. In a period of a year and a half, this therapist helped me disentangle a lot of knots within me. So, finally when I did not have any burning issue bothering me in the present, I decided to terminate the therapy.

Two weeks after the termination, an unfortunate occurrence in a relationship ripped open the stitches that the year long therapy had put on my wounds. As a result of this not just the stitches came out, but their tearing, deepened and widened the wound. I ran back to my therapist. She said one shouldn't ideally return to the same therapist. Also said that I should try and use the tools I have been equipped with. I tried doing that for months and kind of managed well.

Though the exact issue which caused the relapse kept resurfacing in my mind, I did not get paralyzed by it. I tried two therapists who weren't any effective.

In the last few months, an attempt at attending to that particular issue which undid the stitches, has caused more damage than repair. A small attempt in the month of March to fix things, served no good. I somehow managed things well. But in the last one month or slightly more than that, I have lost grip over my mind. I don't recognize myself anymore.

I tried contacting Avantika the angelic therapist. She said she has no slots and she doesn't have the bandwidth either. Also, she doesn't do the kind of practice she earlier did. With my own trust issues and fatigue with things repeatedly going wrong all through life, I did not have the strength to approach a new therapist, where it would require me to begin from the scratch.

Last week, on the 18th, after effortlessly wrote a long suicide note, pre-timed it on Gmail for this week, I did all the arrangements to hang myself when parents went to the temple. I created a noose, and also put my head through it. I just couldn't push the chair under my feet. I don't know why. Within half an hour my sister called to tell me that our aunt - mom's elder sister- passed away. Immediately we all had to get into action to do whatever is required of us. Parents left for the funeral. Since there was nobody at home for more than a day, I thought of hanging myself again. I couldn't. I regretted not having kicked the chair at that very moment on Friday. To again recreate it all, feels tiring. In the last few days I have been only regretting my lost chance at ending it all. Now I am unable to bear this pain. I am even unable to kill myself.

This evening, I helplessly wrote to a therapist, a new one this time, asking what are their charges and if there are slots available.

 I am sitting and weeping now, like I wept in 2004. Then it was stigma and a sense of weakness. This time it is just frustration. How many times should I go through this? - that too for things I did not deserve and damages that I did not create. Why am I paying price for things others have done and failed to do? Why is it all coming back to me and making it seem like I am the one at fault and I am the one in need of fixing?? I can't help but believe now that there is something called as fate and I am just ill-fated. If only I could pull the trigger, all the trouble would end. Why am I not able to do it? Why no attempts at healing has succeeded in 20 years? Why repeatedly I have been pushed back to darkness and distress? Why am I seeking answers for this? Why do I have these questions? Why can't I just accept my ill-fatedness and just live?

[dzpenumbra]

12/26/22

Merry Christmas!

I started my day by going to the PTSD subreddit, looking for people who were struggling today, and leaving thoughtful, honest, inspiring comments for them. I hope it made an impact. It's a bittersweet feeling for me. I still get very self-conscious about being misinterpreted and taken out of context. Something about the public nature of posting really heartfelt shit on social media, I guess. But, I swear, this fear only developed over the past like... 5 years, tops. I never used to have this problem. In fact, the account that I'm using, my primary account has posts on mental health subreddits telling my story from well over 10 years ago. I made it a point to not delete anything, to trust my story to tell itself. To not let fear make decisions for me. Now... well, I guess that's kinda the PTSD thing, in a way. I think it's trauma that did it. Betrayal of trust, shit like that. Either that or I'm just 20 years late in developing teenage trust issues. I don't know.

But yeah, it's bittersweet because it still feels like... I'm speaking from a place of expertise... and I'm usually one of the only people in the comments that's not just repeating something that was said to them by a therapist or a friend or a group therapy leader or something they read in a book. I speak like this. From the heart. And from personal experiences. And I try my hardest to disclaim that, though I really don't have to, but you know... in the Age of Anxiety, how could you NOT put a label on a bag of rice cakes that says "Do not heat these in a toaster". How could I NOT sabotage my own credibility within the first sentence of giving advice by saying "just keep in mind, this is my personal experience, and your mileage may vary, and I might be completely wrong, please don't yell at me, sir or ma'am." It's so obnoxious, I hate it... but like... I hate that it makes sense to do it, to the point where it feels almost... mandatory.

So yeah, I left people some heartfelt perspectives, and I think they were appreciated. I got up and got kitty food. She puked again, twice today, but I think it was hairballs this time. So I tried not to stress too much. I checked the rock tumbler, I was supposed to let gas out of it and check to make sure the solution in it didn't turn to sludge, and I think it's still okay so... yeah. But the barrels and tumbler are pretty hot... so I'm really gonna have to keep an eye on that. I poked some holes in the box over it, but I just don't want the thing to overheat, or be a fire risk or something. My other tumbler didn't do that, and I ran that thing in the summer, so I don't know what the deal is... but I'm just gonna keep an eye on it.

I recorded some more Rimworld. The story is very interesting and compelling. Just now, the story took some turns I really didn't feel comfortable with though. And that's a tough one. Like... it's a guy that's basically a vampire (but with a nano technology rather than vampirism being a virus), and he's stranded with his ex-wife who is a nurse and helped him get this nano-treatment to cure his terminal cancer. His ex-wife is like 25 years younger than him, so it's a little weird right off the bat, but there's the whole immortality element so it's just... all of it is super confusing ethically at that point... And they reconnect and become lovers again right off the bat, like day 2. After about a full season, they start fighting. I mean, the wife picks fights with the vampire dude. Oh shit, okay, forgot this happened first, so the wife has been starting to feel the effects of aging and she was getting food poisoning a lot so she was spending huge amounts of time in bed and she was miserable. The vampire dude offered to... infect(?) her? I don't know the right term. It's a genetic infection basically, so he would do a "procedure" where he'd inject her with some of his nanites and she would go into a coma for a few days while they essentially reprogram and overwrite her genes, giving her the genetic gifts that he got, the same way he got them from someone else - a nonexistent character I've been referring to as "The Doctor". And the catch... she was in a coma as a child for a long time. That trauma was part of what made her become a nurse. So like... this was probably the biggest decision of her life. And she went for it. So he gave her the gift...

However, I'm gonna try to put this lightly... she's a bit of a bitch. I'm still learning about her, and this game is absolutely nuts in how it will simulate these kinds of behavioral traits, especially with personality mods included. She's a misandrist, and she started to be very aggressive against vampire dude, very insulting in very deep ways, and regularly. This hit a breaking point and he actually broke up with her. This was while there was a third colony member that just joined, but he was away helping another faction harvest crops. Protein, is his name. Quite an unfortunate nickname, considering these two are literal cannibals, it kinda goes with the blood drinking thing. Like, not exclusively cannibalistic, but like... they consider themselves higher life-forms than humans, and consider human meat a sacred food as part of their spiritual beliefs. So, Protein... I couldn't pass up the chance to try to rescue that dude, and I was so glad he decided to join. But, what happened tonight was... the vampire dude... okay, he needs to do this thing called "deathrest" every... month or so? And it's basically like a 2-4 day coma where he's just out of commission, but if he completes it... he can get some pretty cool perks like faster movement and more nutrition from blood and stuff. And it's kinda mandatory, because he'll get pretty sick if he doesn't do it. So vampire dude (Lorall) goes in for his deathrest, and his ex-wife (Sylph) decides to hook up with Protein the next day. Yep. And then the second Lorall wakes up, he goes to cook some meals, then Sylph bee-lines into the kitchen, breaks the news to his face and starts insulting him again. And they get in a physical fight, but Sylph is a non-combatant, so like... she doesn't do acts of violence, despite initiating a fight... so it like... turned into a dude beating his vampire ex-wife, which was kinda really uncomfortable.

I don't like encountering infidelity or abuse stuff in story games like this. I mean, at all, really. It makes me really, really uncomfortable. I know it's important to include those things because they are things that happen and it's important for people to not think life is all sunshine and rainbows, that these things do happen in life, and when they do they look like this, as a cautionary tale. So people can recognize when those things are coming up, you know? I think that's super important. But, it still makes me really just want to stop recording, and I dread when it happens when I stream, it's just like... I start freezing up and go... no... no, come on... what are you doing... make better decisions, please, you're supposed to be a protagonist.

Well, here's another fun complication. I have over 7 hours of raw footage to work with here. I just played it back for the first bit because I didn't remember the character names by heart (I only really retain those when I say them out loud a lot). And... the videos don't have audio. YEP. 7 hours of silent film. It's still useable, I'm planning on doing the whole thing in the form of a "captain's log" journal entry style narration. Big shock, huh? And I don't mind the challenge of doing foley work. It's just a bummer. All I needed to do was fix one setting, but I didn't think to because I assumed OBS would do it for me, the whole default sound driver thing. But nope... so... cool...

Anyway, enough about that for right now. I thought the story was cool, though it did take some uncomfortable turns, maybe that just spices up the story in ways that I would not creatively have gone, maybe that's just a creative curveball that I need to see how it plays out. Like a main character dying or something, and you just need to see how it goes. The ex-wife turns out to not be the nicest person in the world, she's actually kinda cruel and vindictive, and aggressive. And the protagonist narrator, the vampire dude, is... physically abusive. And... does abuse really have the same implications for immortal beings who heal completely within hours? Does it carry the same weight? It definitely opens some interesting ethical questions.

Okay, enough about that for now, for real this time. I decided to make a present for my cat. Oooo okay, first I did yoga, that was good, I missed it yesterday, THEN I started to re-wrap my cat's big cat tree thing. It was a hand-me-down, the scratching rope was all torn to shit and cats really don't like scratching on that, so I ordered new sisal rope which came in yesterday. I cleaned up the carpet, trimmed it, tore out the old rope (salvaged what I could for god knows what craft project in the future) and put in the new stuff. It actually looks much nicer. I have another one to do on another one of the legs, but now that I know how to do it, it should be easy. I also joked about the only christmas tree I had was my cat tree, so I said screw it and decorated her tree with some christmas lights, my first time ever having my own christmas tree of any kind. I don't know if she even cares about the lights, but it was a nice moment for me. =D

Then I had a really good conversation with my mom. Like, things are getting surreal. She's opening her mind and educating herself a lot about mental health stuff, and she's starting to see everything that I've been seeing. And I feel like she's finally learning my language, which... is incredibly disorienting after like 4 years of feeling like I'm speaking Japanese to her. But it's very good. And she has a lot of insight about my personal history from childhood which has been immeasurably valuable in combatting my impostor syndrome. And she told me some really cool stories about my grandfather, who was apparently a lot like me too in a lot of ways, and was a pilot, which I always thought was really cool. We spent some time talking about Christmas and traditions and church and that kinda stuff, and the whole... ritual? I guess? Like... keeping up appearances, and getting attendance points? Making sure you show up for X or else you're going to get punished or some shit. And it was really nice to be on the same page about it, and I got to share some of my ancient cultural research about like... the origins of holidays like Christmas around this time of year. Why we celebrate family gatherings and even feasts in the middle of winter, of all times. What the point is. The Spirit of Christmas, right? Because this is a rough fucking time of year. Especially if you're in the North, I don't know if it's the same in the extreme Southern Hemisphere, but I'll tell ya... The lack of daylight. The cold. The difficulty traveling. The difficulty in heating. And I think back to the past, even just like 150 years ago, which is like... nothing, like 2 human lifespans. This was the time of year that a lot of people would just... not make it to Spring. Food would run out, people would get sick, travel would become near impossible, you were isolated and stuck with people. You need to make a deliberate point to ground that. To all individually remind yourselves "this is my family, we're all in this together, we need to appreciate each other and remember why we're all here". And that's what me and my mom did, and we told stories and bonded, it was very nice. I have always considered that... the true meaning of these kinds of holidays. And it was very nice to experience the real thing for once, and I really look forward to doing it again.

The rest of the night was leftovers, cookies and recording Rimworld. Now I'm super tired and I kinda want a bath before bed. I realize that despite having a fun chill day... I didn't do anything for myself except for 26 minutes of yoga. The cat tree was for my cat, the Rimworld is for an imaginary nonexistent audience, the phone call was for both my mom and myself. Well... the cookies were for me... XD So I kinda want to go draw a nice hot bath - at 3:30 AM - because it's cold as shit, and fuck it, it's my holiday, too. And if anyone is really bothered by me filling a tub at 3:30AM... I mean... what can I really do about that? They can get over it.

[drakinq]

093022

I did a good job getting back on track this weekend. I have a long day today but I'm hoping by the time I get home I'll have a little energy to clean up so I can have the rest of the weekend to be productive in other areas. I guess I just want to practice trusting God a little moe during this time in my life. I've had to trust him under way worse circumstances and I don't think I'm under as intense circumstances even though I do feel like I'm ready to level up and am in a transitioning phase. I think I'm in the postion to add to a good thing already if I actually stay focused on the right shit it can elevate my life and take me to new heights. I'm stuck on how I keep letting myself fall through this pattern of getting off track and not focused by the right thing. But I didn't know what I know now and I'm just praying to God that he can help me apply and stay on this path. Thats what I mean by I want to practice trusting him right now because I know he's getting me to the other side right now and setting up my new life out here. I also know hes protecting me from a lot of things. Something I know he doesnt want for me and something I keep trying to force. But the past couple days it's been easier to let God do the work that he does while I just work on showing up as my best self anyway. With the continuation of my 75Hard I feel like I need to step up my game. I know not everything is suppose to be perfect but I want more good days than bad days. This week I think I did good besides wednesday night when I had a nightcap and thursday just woke up late. Today i'm picking myself back up and getting right back on track. I hope coming into the weekend I can take care of my main two goals of getting a new job and finding a new therapist. I just pray that God is preparing me for the new space he's about to place me in. I say that I'm ready to step up to the plate but this time I'm no as naive, I want all the preparation God has to offer me first because I know its coming regardless and I want to be ready to receive as my best self. I want to experience trusting God in that way, not out of fear but out of genuine faith. With this new perspective I've been being really hard on myself. That's the phase I'm in as I'm transitioning to this new environment, my perspective is shifting. I'm trying to see what patterns I keep falling into and how I can stop them. That's why I think therapy will help me become more self aware. I'm proud of how I'm actively trying to reflect and make changes and not excuses but I also just want to know why I do the things I do that take me off course and focus. When I look at back my choices the past couple years I'm not that happy with them. I don't feel as many restraints as I once did when it came to going towards my dreams but I still feel like I have some that I can remove that I put there myself. Thats why I need God's preparation as much as possible because I want to ready to take full advantage of all the tools he's given me to go fulfill his purpose for me. I've been beating myself up about my dating history and how I freak out so fast on a guy. How I'm just romantically unhealed and broken. Thats a big thing for me to admit that I'm not emotionally mature enough to handle the relationship I want. That's why I'm taking a break from guys and working on fixing myself in that matter. But I guess I just have to practice forgiving myself for the past and leaving it there knowing theres a whole future for me where this doesnt have to exist.