#therapy is hard for me because I feel so resentful at the idea that I need to get better because it’ll make me able to live a normal life

[orangerosebush]

Realizing that nothing you is yours but instead is what was done to you is so fucked. I’m conflict avoidant :) oops just a trained behavior to fawn and shut down when yelled at by my father. I am an introvert :) oops no just my acclimation to the fact that I would come home from school each day and shut myself up in my room. I am private :) oops safety tactic. I use my Tumblr as a diary :) oops I don’t know how to be vulnerable to reach out to people whom I know in real life to vent. Also all my weird neuroses about masculinity are dad too lol. Honestly writing this out has made me feel a bit better because at least this realization might make therapy more productive when I try it again someday

[ofmermaidstories]

From your posts so far I feel like you have such a wide variety of understanding complex characters. How do you think you would tackle writing for Todoroki Touya, and have you ever considered any storyline for him? What kind of civilian reader do you think you’d craft for him if so?

beyond a post-canon bonnie and clyde AU, i’ve never really seriously considered a fic for dabbers. 🧐 he’s a fun character in canon, but to me that’s because he’s a walking tragedy—his hatred and desperation for his father. his resentment of his perfect baby brother. the way both of those things blindside him to his other brother, his sister, their mum. i don’t see him as like, the fun flirty bad boy that i think was a given read of him, earlier in BNHA—i think what he eventually goes through will profoundly change him, if he lives. it’ll take hard work for him to get to a place where he can be like, happy with the family that’s reaching out to him—his father, his mother, his siblings…. his perfect baby brother.

for a post-canon dabbers fic, i’d probably strike at the in-between time between him physically and mentally healing—like, his injuries have been treated, he’s gotten physical therapy. maybe he has a prosthetic arm like his arm, or a cane to help him walk but he can do things, he can physically be apart of the world again—but he still bubbles with his resentment. touya’s a massive fazacon in canon and everyone who disagrees with me can argue with a wall LMAOOO i’m right about this forever, but like, for a x reader fic i think that means competition for his attention on a very base level, you know? like, how do you bond with and romance a guy that’s constantly sour about how his father ruined his life??? to me that means you benefit best from having a Reader-insert who either has their own baggage, or is nihilistic enough to laugh his off LOL. and i think if you’re going to make them both like, kinda unrepentant assholes, you’re almost obligated to give them a happy ending??? or rather—that’s how i would write it. like with the dabi/bonnie & reader/clyde idea, i would set it up so that they both think they’re gonna die at the end of it, that the reader (lowercase) thinks they’re gonna die, that endeavour and rei and the todo siblings (minus Shouto) think they’re gonna die—and then at the end they don’t. one of them—maybe dabi himself, because i think we owe him that chance—tries to pull a stunt that like, lets Reader live, say. maybe he meets up with his perfect baby brother at some stage during the Crime Spree and it’s Shouto who’s like, I can help you. I can help both of you, please let me, and at first Dabi’s furious (how fucking dare this useless squirt of endeavour’s hot fucking snot talk to him like a hero) but then. you know. he gets attached like a chump, or whatever. maybe he sees more of himself in you than he wanted to, or maybe being outside of the careful, clinical surveillance he was under before means he has to confront like—what the point of it all is, you know? he failed in killing his father, his baby brother, himself. he got patched together and now endeavour’s grovelling like a worm for forgiveness Touya doesn’t want to give him, almost (it’s not atonement or forgiveness he wants—he wants the family he should’ve had, the power he should’ve had from birth, perfect and whole). and it’s like—the choice is either go out in a blaze of glory or…. i don’t think he’d even let himself imagine it, LOL. you and him and your fucked up issues like linen in the cupboards of some cute little house with a tidy fence around it? bullshit. pathetic.

(but you patch each other up. and the way you laugh when someone eats shit trying to run during one of your robberies makes him think of his days with the League of Villains—the way everyone was so unrepentative in what they were after, the hurt they wanted to inflict. And yet Toga’s out there somewhere, getting rehabilitated back into society and last Touya heard Spinner was working with heteromorph discrimination programs after a rough recovery—and you could still make it, he thinks in disdain. He’s on his last, last chance but you—you could still have that tiny home, somewhere. The linen cupboards that hold more than the issues that sent you to the same centre he was languishing in. You could still have a future, and later that night when you’re asleep he walks away from the car you’ve traded (stolen) the van in for—and calls his perfect baby brother, who answers the phone silently, waiting.

“You wanna help?” Touya asks, dry. “Then help, Hero.”)

[blackjackkent]

The Ebbs and Flows of Programming

I got a very nice shoutout from @vexacarnivorous the other day as part of their writeup of resources in the codeblr sphere. It made me smile and I very much appreciated it. <3

It also made me think a lot.

Vexa shouted me out for the fact that I offer free programming tutoring as part of my Twitch livestream - which is very true, and I welcome anyone requesting it. I love helping people, especially those just getting into the industry. If you would like to reach out to me for assistance, learning, or just chatting about code, please, please do; I am always available for it.

Anyone paying attention, though, might have noticed I haven't done my coding stream except when tutoring in a number of weeks or really posted much about coding at all. The truth is, I haven't really done much programming outside of work for several months.

I've been hesitant to term it "burnout" because it hasn't come with the hallmarks we typically associate with that word - I don't feel depressed, I don't feel resentful or stressed really. But really it is a flavor of the same thing, and I think as someone who prides myself on representing what being a developer is Really Like, I think this sort of thing bears its own round of discussion.

Sometimes you just won't want to code, and that's also okay.

I think this is a difficult thing to conceptualize when you are a new developer. In my experience, those early years in the field are full of excitement and promise. You have so many ideas and there is so much to learn and every bit of new technique or technology feels like opening a treasure trove. For years, I was the poster child for this level of enthusiasm - late nights working on side projects and coming into work with dark circles under my eyes.

And I am not for a moment saying that's a bad thing! Ride that enthusiasm train as far as it will go whenever it comes into the station. :) This is an exciting field and I love seeing anyone get excited about an idea, implement it, run with it, feel fulfilled by making it.

What I want to talk about, though, is the days when it doesn't feel like that - because you will have them. Everyone has them. Personally, I'm 34 and tired. XD Sometimes I go through periods where I just want to play video games and not think about anything after work. And just as often, the urge to work on a project eventually comes back - probably quicker when I don't force it - but it's really easy to be too hard on myself for those periods where the enthusiasm isn't there.

The reason I think this is important to discuss is that there is a LOT of stigma, spoken and unspoken, in the industry against people who leave work at work. There's the concept of the 10x engineer - a developer whose productivity and output matches that of 10 "regular" engineers, and who is constantly in the trenches. There's the vocal admiration for people who drive themselves to distraction, working 80 hour weeks to achieve their vision of some killer app, side project, or even their company's product. This is viewed as the apotheosis of developer-hood, but in truth, it's unhealthy - both for those grinding that way and those who don't want to but are stuck with the image all the same.

I struggle with this image myself. The last few months, a recurring throughline in my therapy session has been - what am I bringing to the world if I'm not producing project output All The Time. It's been a little humbling stepping into the spaces of young developers to offer my help, and realizing that they are full of that exuberance and energy when I am in a slump where I am not.

But what I want to say here, ultimately, is this, and most likely it goes for other callings as well - sometimes you will feel the fire burning within you, and sometimes you won't. Don't get caught in the trap of feeling that your worth as a person (or as a developer) comes in passionate, all-consuming output. The important thing, always, is whether you are doing work, or living life, in a way that makes you feel fulfilled. And I, for one, am proud of you (and learning to be proud of myself) no matter what that looks like.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

(Self hating content incoming sorry if you don't wanna answer) I'm a grey ace lesbian and honestly I just wish so badly that I wasn't. I'm so scared that even other queer women won't want me, I know that realistically my odds of finding someone who's compatible aren't good, and honestly I just don't want to have to deal with all this. I wish I wasn't scared to even casually date half the time because I'm so afraid no one who isn't also ace is ever going to want me so it feels like I'd be

(self-doubting greyace lesbian anon pt 2) Like it wouldn't be fair to expect someone who wasn't ace to stick around for maybe a regular relationship. I want love and I wish I enjoyed more than the idea of sex more than once in a blue moon, is that so wrong? And it's so hard to not feel like i got cheated by the universe and resent my identity. I don't want to drag other ppl down so I just bottle these feelings up plus idk if I can afford therapy rn. I just wish I could make my peace with this.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, Anon. It sounds like there's two issues going on, the first is finding a partner you're compatible, and the second is self-acceptance in general.

I'd focus on self acceptance to start. Start following ace spectrum blogs (both ace themed, and people who just happen to be ace spectrum). If you can lesbian ace spec stuff, even better. And consider joining communities. Check and see if there's any in-person ace meetups near you, or think about joining online communities like a discord server or similar. It can help a lot to regularly see real aces who are dealing with the same or similar things as you so you're not always comparing yourself to the same standards as allos.

Seek out ace media, there's a lot of books and podcasts out there especially and you can find rec lists. Find characters who you relate to.

Remember too that your value is not in your relationship status, build yourself up. Learn a new skill or take up a fun hobby (or build on ones you already have). Build up your self esteem and self worth. This isn't giving up on dating, but it will help you value yourself no matter how things are going on that front, and will help you be in a good place when you do meet someone who is compatible with you.

Generally speaking there are actually a lot of aces out there (even if you take the conservative 1-2% estimate, which is almost definitely underestimating, that's still over a thousand aces in any city with a population of 1 million or more. They can just be hard to find, but I have known a lot of aces who have successfully found ace dating partners and found good relationships, so remember it is possible.

We do absolutely need better ways of finding each other, especially for dating purposes. In the meantime though there are dating apps that let you give your orientation as ace, and seek out other aces, and there are communities around. As visibility increases, this is getting better though. So even if you try and date withing the ace community, you do still have options.

There are also allo people who aren't as big on sex, or don't mind going without or not having sex very often, though that can be like looking for a needle in a haystack because of societal expectations. But they do exist.

So try your best not to give up hope, and to keep trying to meet people. What you want is possible and something others have succeeded at too.

All the best, Anon! And good luck!

[i-need-some-advice-on]

I have a sweet friend whom I love very much. But as the years go by I'm becoming less and less sure that our morals and politics align. I'm scared of losing them but I'm also worried about the resentment that I'm slowly developing for them. Does anyone know how to deal with this kind of thing?

For context, my friend is studying to become a psychologist. In the past, I used to have the same opinions about therapy that most people in the majority demographic do - that "Therapy is good and psychiatry is a good and altruistic field, and if a bad therapist hurts someone then it's just that individual practitioner being a bad apple."

But I have a PD diagnosis, I've had previous (bad, as you can imagine) experiences with therapy. And I mean EXTREMELY bad, it threatened my safety in an abusive household and I was also in risk of forced institutionalisation once (That one was related to depression a lot more than any PD just to be clear.)

And as I educate myself more and talk to other people who were in similar situations, i get more and more anti-psych with time. It's not really a Few Bad Apples situation if the therapist(s) who hurt us were technically doing their exact job description and were actually adhering to their regulations. I have developed a huge mistrust for psychologists and therapists and like 50% of it is a knee-jerk personal trauma reaction and the other 50% is genuinely getting more socially conscious and knowing that I'd be treated even worse in a whiter country (which my friend is.)

They also tell me things about their actual psychology classes and every fact I learn unsettles me more. Their classes, teachers and entry level career paths are ALARMINGLY blasé, unprofessional and unethical than what you'd expect from such a serious profession.

My friend is a good person btw I am fully sure they're trying so hard to stay ethical and genuine even when their classes/grades literally inventivize them not to be. I know they're that one person in class who goes all in to make an original presentation while everyone who copied off the internet gets an A. But I just feel sad about how far this can really go, it's like seeing someone genuinely try to be a good cop.

I have known this person for a few years and I see them as a LIFELONG friend, I want to hang out with them when we're old and boring. But I just don't know if I will ever be okay with their education and future career, sometimes I'm actively scared of what their psychiatry books must have told them about people like me. Again, my friend has repeatedly reassured me that they're one of the good ones that don't hate or discrimate against certain disorders but I still believe it's a systematic issue. I'm scared of watching them turn into something else but at the same time I don't want to lose them. I also don't think I have any right to tell them what to do with their own life.

All my opinions about psychology here were purely to give you an exact idea of what I'm talking about! I don't want to start any discourse about the anti psych movement on this blog because that's not its purpose (thanks for this space btw op <3) I just didn't want people to assume that my friend was a right winger or something, and that's the only thing it sounds like if I leave it in vague terms. What do I do? Has anyone ever been in this kind of situations with a friend's beliefs and what did you do about it?

.

[offmychest-official]

I’m so tired of living with my roommate.

She’s my best friend and I love her. I would do literally anything for her but somehow I have fallen into a parental role for her despite being 2 years YOUNGER than her. She don’t cook. Has to be reminded to buy groceries or clean the apartment. Takes up all of the space on MY couch and is constantly only putting things on the tv that are entertaining to her and never wants to watch anything I suggest even if it’s a show I know she likes. I desperately want to move out from being her roommate but living is so expensive around us and I just can’t afford it but I am getting to the point that I am afraid that I’m building resentment towards her. I’ve talked about this extensively in therapy and have even urged her to seek professional help because she has some serious issues she just ignores (which if I’m being honest are part of the reason she’s such a child) and I’m just frustrated.

I’ve talked about this with her. I bring it up in a direct fashion constantly. But nothing I say ever has a lasting impact and all she does is blame her mental health. Her and I have a lot of the same issues and she knows she needs to go to therapy and she knows she needs to be medicated but every time we talk about it she just says “ugh I know. I know. You’re right. But I am still not going to do anything about it because that involves doing something about it” and it just sucks!!

On top of that, I have been with my partner for almost a year now and both of our leases are up at the same-ish time and I e have briefly discussed moving in together but I’m just WRACKED with guilt about my current roommate with being stuck on her own, or having to find a roommate and ending up living with someone who would make her miserable. I know me moving out would cause a complete spiral in her.

She seems to be convinced that she can just... Live in my basement or my backyard for the rest of her life and always brushes the idea of us not being roommates forever under the rug no matter who brings it up. We’re both in our mid-to-late 20’s and I am gearing up to move in with my partner and move out of state with them and/or buy a house and she thinks she’s coming with even though I’ve deliberately told her no! (Also my partner does not want to live with her which honestly I respect) I just don’t even know what to do about it anymore and it makes me feel so shitty and like such a bad friend for not being there for her and resenting her but I am truly at the end of my rope with her and am completely lost.

I want nothing but the best for her but I know she’s going to take me moving out extremely hard and I know she is going to feel like she’s losing a friend and I know this is going to cause some serious issues for her along the way especially if she cannot find a roommate in time for me moving out. But I not only do not know how to tell her I want to move out, but I don’t know what else I can do.

It all just feels really really bad.

.

[ghostcrows]

That being said I do wanna talk about something here because I feel like people here might get it more than other places

I'm really sort of grappling with I guess actually accepting that I heavily exhibit BPD symptoms and have for years, like to the point that regardless of my feelings toward that diagnosis and who gives it out and their reasons for it - and despite my reservations toward any type of official diagnosis -AND despite feeling like I prematurely diagnosed myself as a teen and then avoiding the label altogether - I just want to treat the symptoms so that things can get better.

It's very isolating. I feel things incredibly intensely. It doesn't just go away it rattles my whole body physically for days or weeks. When I get attached to people it becomes unbearable for me and eventually, almost inevitably, for that person too

I struggle with what I think must be splitting, where...I think it's not quite as black and white as splitting is presented as where I absolutely hate someone or I absolutely love someone, but it's very close. Usually it's this conflicting mess of both at the same time, this very ugly place where resentment (founded or unfounded) meets complete idolization. It's not a position anybody deserves to be put in and I try to keep it to myself but, it's hard to hide intense feelings. People can usually tell when you're acting moody and weird even if you think you've got a good handle on it. And its incredibly overwhelming

And of course I've got abandonment issues lol...kind of the root of the whole thing right...and of course it becomes self fulfilling prophecy you know how that is...very annoying. Very unfair

And...I can be meaner than I like to think I'm capable of...it's usually a subtle thing but that's probably honestly worse. It's the kind of mean where I can even convince myself I'm not really being mean..but I am. Like. I'm certainly not being nice...and it comes from honestly usually just not knowing how to communicate that I'm in some weird fucking mood. When you tell people you're in a mood a lot of the time they're like oh whats up what's wrong and sometimes yeah you can talk about it to feel better but sometimes there's just nothing. You're just in some damn ass mood. It has not much to do with anything. And when you're in those moods it's hard to be around people and not be irritable and nasty. But it's also hard to be alone with it. And if you isolate you start to feel like a monster who needs to be locked up so that you don't hurt anybody. It's difficult to constantly be in some weird headspace that alienates you from other people.

And im impulsive in like...not quite as extreme ways as severe BPD but I have been there before where I was doing some of those things. It's more things like sending people 20000 texts a second or just like Reacting without stepping away and then having things immediately escalate. Getting to where I'm angry enough that I break things and i hurt myself. Not being able to sit with an unpleasant feeling. Not being able to handle criticism or rejection well

All of that to say... that it is a struggle and it's something I'm looking for good resources on. I'm trying out some self help DBT workbooks to see if that does anything for me. I don't know if I want to try CBT again I don't know how much it helped before but I know most therapists do CBT now ... I keep hearing about EMDR as some magical fuckin miracle treatment but I still barely know what it is. I'm not currently interested in being on medications but I'm not 100 percent against it either. Im at a crossroads with the very idea of therapy where I do think I need it but I also don't know how much it can realistically do for me or if I can find somethijg or someone that works for me. And also I can't afford it rn lol.

So um, if you struggle with this sort of stuff too just like feel free to DM me because I'd really like to talk about it with people who get it. And if you have anything that has helped you with these types of symptoms please feel free to share it. I will look into it

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 186 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: taking a bath.

Right at the start of this episode Martin at least sounds like himself and not totally lost like in MAG 170. So when I was first listening this was already relieving. (He even sounds a bit annoyed...)

ALSO MARTIN: "Wuthering Heights." I have no idea what Wuthering Heights is. I guess it's, like Pride and Prejudice and War and Peace, something people in English-speaking countries usually learn about in literature?

MARTIN: "Yeah. God, I hated studying that. It was all just so…" I love how much Martin just rolls with the fact, that he himself just answered him xD

ALSO MARTIN: "Right down to the monochrome." Speaking of monochrome. Also!Martin sounds so monotone, it's really easy to tell them apart!

MARTIN: "No, I just… I’m ashamed to let him see this place, alright. To see what – I don’t know, what feeds me?" ALSO MARTIN: "Sure, that’s part of it, but… it’s not the whole thing, is it? Not really." MARTIN: "What do you mean?" ALSO MARTIN: "Well, if you don’t count ‘memory manor’, when was the last time you were even on your own?" NOT REALLY! And yeah, Also!Martin then describes it perfectly. It's ok to want some space. That wish is probably easier to express and still have it come across like a mundane thing when you've not been a victim of an Eldritch fear god of being lonely. I do, generally though, enjoy long stretches of time spent with my spouse a lot more than long stretches of time without them. It makes me feel distant from them, and I don’t like that. Doesn't mean that a day home alone isn't really refreshing every now and then. But, I know of couples (I say know of because these people usually aren't my friends cause they're more... "normal") who have very, veeeery different interests and they do pursue them separately and I'm like "why are you even together then??". I mean, it's totally okay, if it works for them, good! But that's just my personal quirk on relationships.

ALSO MARTIN: "Like I said, I’m not your enemy." MARTIN: [Archly] "Oh really? I thought you said you were me?" Haha, yeah, standing in your own way.

MARTIN: "Eurgh. Oolong. Of course. Of course! Whenever I asked a question she didn’t like, or she wanted to stop the conversation –" ALSO MARTIN: "Off you’d go to put the kettle on." Can't have shit in the apocalypse. Aaaalso, do you know the story about why it's Oolong? It came up in one of the Protocol streams during the Magnus quiz, Jonny answered it and got it wrong (I don't know what the tea was, something I can neither pronounce nor spell, so I immediately forgot the name), then Alex got it right with Oolong. Jonny was super confused about it, cause iirc he apparently chose that tea because Sasha doesn't like it. Buuuut, turns out, Alex couldn't pronounce it, so he just went with Oolong instead and never told Jonny xDDD

MARTIN: "She was still my mum! Our mum. Whatever!" Yeah, but you didn't choose to come into this world. She made that choice. So parents owe their kids to do their bloody best to provide for them, care for them, make them feel loved! Sure, in this case, it wasn’t like this from the start, Martin’s mum started to resent him cause he reminded her of his father you broke her heart. That’s why there really should be better health care regarding therapy out there...

ALSO MARTIN: [Emphatically] "And we’re glad she’s dead." Still, all considering, that hits pretty hard...

MARTIN: "If I’d done what Peter had asked… If I’d not chickened out, and just killed Elias when I had the chance…" ALSO MARTIN: "Really? Really? That’s how you’re choosing to remember it? Chickening out?" MARTIN: "I remember it was the wrong choice." Actually, nobody knows what would have happened. Once you chose a path, you will never know if it was the "wrong" one.

MARTIN: "I get it, alright? But I need it. I-I choose the guilt, because…" ALSO MARTIN: [Leading] "Because…" MARTIN: "Because it motivates me to do better!" ALSO MARTIN: "… Does it though? Or… does it just keep paralysing us, make us shrink back and wait, hoping things work out?" Yeah, that’s a thought pattern I'm familiar with. Or like, always prepare for the worst and then it can only turn out better! Hm, didn't get too far with that.

JON: "Like with Jon, when we thought the worms had got him." MARTIN: "Hey, to be fair, he still kind of hated me back then. I’m really not sure it would have been the time to take my shot." Wait, did Martin actually consider to tell Jon back then??? I mean, he obviously chose not to, but that sounds like it at least crossed his mind. I mean, I get it, when I had my crush on my spouse it was so unbearable to keep it unsaid.

ALSO MARTIN: "Fair. He was projecting hard. Between us, that guy’s got some real issues." MARTIN: "Hey! Pretty sure we love ‘that guy’." ALSO MARTIN: "Yeah, and all his many, many problems." I mean, that's not a big revelation that Jon has some real issues, everybody knows that. It’s like written all over his forehead xD Still, it's okay that people have their own baggage. Friends or loved ones don't have to be these perfect figures, that's simply not possible for real persons.

ALSO MARTIN: "You do though. You daydream about it! The big climactic showdown with Elias, and then the two of you kiss, and push a button that just magically saves the world and makes everything better." MARTIN: "It’s actually not a button, so –" ALSO MARTIN: "Stop. Deflecting." MARTIN: [Angry] "S-So what, okay? We should just give up? Hmm? Just stay here and curl up into a ball and just accept the world as is? Hmm? That’s your big solution?" ALSO MARTIN: "I’m saying there aren’t any easy solutions. We have no idea what’s going to happen. Even if we make it to the tower, we don’t know there’ll be a fix. And if by some miracle there is, we both know the price will be awful. Just look at Melanie." Hm yah. You need a bit of something you're moving towards. But you can't have it all perfectly laid out in your mind, that you're waiting for this exact thing to happen. You can't live for a hypothetical future. (Also more on topic: yeah, we've seen that the fears always crave more and more horrible things. They’ll not gonna let them off the hook easily.)

MARTIN: "So, this price. What do you think? Are we going to have to kill Jon?" Oh, that's going to age horribly...

ALSO MARTIN: "Even dying?" MARTIN: "Yeah!" ALSO MARTIN: "Jon’s as bad as we are. He wouldn’t let it happen." MARTIN: "It’s not his decision." Uhhh, the way the world works nowadays, I think it very much is his decision xD

Martin then wanting to know about the people in his domain feels like he has indeed processed a bit and is now moving on. Accepting, that this is his place and situation now instead of running away from it.

ALSO MARTIN: "We never met them in the old world. Although one of them is named Tim. Just a coincidence, I think, unless it was a subconscious thing on our part." Martin subconsciously being: "Yeaaah, I want to twist that knife a bit more"

ALSO MARTIN (STATEMENT): "I can’t tell you their names, because we don’t know them" Except for that one Tim though. Coincident? I think not! It's all about twisting knives!

"His family were cold, and so to keep that coldness at bay, he built a towering wall between them and him. He hid it in jokes and practiced smiles, but on a cloudy day, they could see it." Ah yes, sounds like the classic depressed-people-making-funny-memes thing!

"She was among this joy, yes, these sparkling friends, but she was not a part of it, not really. She tried to be, wanted so desperately to be a part of their easy warmth, and maybe they thought she was. But they hadn’t known her, not really." Ahem...

MARTIN: "I’ll get Jon to destroy me like the others." ALSO MARTIN: "You don’t really believe he’d do it?" MARTIN: "I don’t know. Maybe?" ALSO MARTIN: "… This took a dark turn." MARTIN: "Yeah. But… this time, it doesn’t feel like despair. It feels like resolve." I think that's even worse. Because as I see it that’s the most scary part of being suicidal. How utterly convinced you are it's the right thing.

@a-mag-a-day

[azrielgreen]

Hey Az I was wondering if you had any advice on jealousy. Or more “envy” I guess. I know we should write for ourselves and try not to rely on external validation, but I find it so hard. I’m constantly comparing myself to other writers, seeing how many kudos and comments they got, wondering why I don’t measure up. Wondering why certain readers left a super long comment on a certain work and then a short one on mine. I don’t want to be resentful, and I know this feeling is toxic and bred from insecurity. I keep trying to improve and to find new ways to get over this mindset, but nothing seems to be working. I just obsess over why I’m not good enough, why I’m not on rec lists, or why readers stopped commenting when they had previously reacted to every other chapter. It’s embarrassing and pathetic to even type this all out, but I figured you’re the best person to go to with shit like this because you’re so honest. I keep coming to the conclusion that “if I was a better writer then I’d have better statistics, and people would stick with my stories, so I must suck.” I wonder if there is something I’m actually doing wrong technically or if my negative attitude is somehow seeping through the words I write. I don’t know. Maybe I just need therapy. But yes, any tips on how to not see others’ success as my failure?

Thank you so much for even reading this stream of consciousness diary entry. And thank you even more if you respond. xx

Hello lovely. I'm so sorry it took me so long to reply, I've been working my way through these and I wanted to devote a little more time to yours because this is a really common feeling that's rarely discussed.

So, envy and jealously about other writers is, I think, natural given the system used to publish fics (hit counters, kudos, etc...) and also the fact that this fandom is a very loud, wide open space. I've been in very small spaces before, sometimes with five or six people total in the entire ship and that was a very different vibe. I really wish more people get to experience that.

But this fandom and many others are large spaces now and they'll only get bigger so we have this constant comparison, even though not widely acknowledged, of who gets more readers, who gets recced, hits, kudos and comments. It's difficult not to compare, even when you know you shouldn't so what you're feeling is completely valid. External validation for writing can be really important and it's one of the reasons fanfic can be so gratifying, with comments to boost you up along the way.

The thing is, focusing on those elements will only ever harm your self esteem because once you tie your worth to a number, a percentage, literally anything quantifiable and reliant upon people other than yourself, you're doing damage to your mental health and your understanding of what is or isn't "good writing". There are so many beautiful, stunning, fucking life altering stories on AO3 that have a mere handful of kudos and under 100 hits and I don't know why. I don't know what if it's word of mouth, if it's reclists, length, tags, word counts, I have no idea what makes something a "hit", but here's what I do know.

I know that when you don't look at those numbers, when you instead look ahead to your future and where your writing will take you, those numbers really don't mean much. I've had plenty of "flops" and I love them so much, I go back and reread them even after orphaning them and I see that maybe two or three people commented, hardly anyone even read it, but that doesn't matter because I'm already on the next project.

You are good enough. You are so good, you're brilliant. You're unique and you know this too, deep down, otherwise you would never have started writing. What people do or don't respond to is more to do with them and their personal lives than you and your work.

My advice is to never look at other people's specific success numbers and compare. There are only two outcomes of this. Yours will be more and you'll feel good that more people read your work than others - you ego will inflate artificially, it'll be tied to this numerical system. Or, yours will be less and you'll be feel bad that your work wasn't read as much as others was - your sense of worth will shrink, and to remedy this, you'll feel the need to create content that drives up these numbers. This is a toxic spiral, and believe me, I know it very well. I would tell myself, years ago, if I didn't get 25 comments on a new chapter, the chapter was awful. I had the most awful time waiting for comments to hit 25 and I barely even read them.

Give yourself space. Reconnect with your creativity. Fill a journal. Make a playlist. Print out all your good comments and read them and then burn them. Read more, find your inspiration. Be so fucking proud of yourself, love what you make and stay away from those numbers because they make no sense and they never will. Trying to establish self worth from anything less than your own self will always backfire. I know this is super vague, but it's my honest opinion.

More specifically, for you, I want you to know that this feeling is transitional and it'll pass and you're going to look back and think, "Wow, I can't believe I ever cared about that." So hold on, keep going, fuck what anyone else thinks, and make your art, my darling. Good things are coming, I promise.

Az.

💜💜💜

[keyhearts]

We have therapy today. I want to be in therapy today. But I know how it usually goes, we'll switch to an alter who doesn't really need to be there. It happens time after time. When an alter wants to be at therapy, they won't be there.

It's so, so disruptive. We'll always get confused and not know which alter we are either. And we often have trouble talking and articulating ourselves. It always happens specifically in therapy. I know it's a taught response. A 'protective' response. 🙄

Since I know I won't go, I'll write what I was hoping to talk about:

My feelings about Andrew. And how Zach's feelings towards me seem really similar. Our system is playing the blame game and pointing fingers at each other. There seems to be a strong theme of feeling abandoned by one another during times of trauma. It makes me realise that it's meant to turn us against each other. Is there really any reason to resent Andrew? Why don't I turn that resentment to the abusers instead? Why don't I embrace Andrew as an ally, a friend, and as one of the few true equals I have in this system. Was there really anything he could have done? He said himself that the control he had back then wasn't the same as the control he has now. I don't think our communication was the same either.

But I still have this thought at the back of my mind that we could have done something. We could have spoken up. But I think only in theory, we could have. In reality, it just wasn't possible. We had too many fawning alters. We had inadequate parents who ignored the hints and signs. I think that's what stops me from fully letting go of my blame of Andrew. The idea that we could have disclosed and he could have made that happen. Even though I logically know it wasn't likely to happen.

Then the other main thing is Jason Todd. Lately, during hard times, I really latch onto him. I feel dependent on him emotionally. Whether it's the alter version of him, or the character.

I feel I can only depend on him. Because I perceive him as stronger than me, he's not emotionally involved in any of the trauma. I can only depend on him because I don't feel like I have to protect him. I feel like he can handle me.

The others can't. I know they can't handle me. I feel like this mindset is something I need to overcome. But I feel like they're incapable of supporting me. Andrew could, but he's too... clinical about it. And he sort of sees it as something he just needs through quickly. Abel could also handle me. But he normally does the opposite of caring for people. He usually takes action carefully, striving quietly towards the outcome he wants to see in the end. And the outcome he wants is never to our benefit. I don't see him as someone I could emotionally confide in.

And I definitely can't depend on anyone who's not equal to me. Because that wouldn't be fair. If one is unburdened with the trauma, then it needs to stay that way. We can't have everyone being weighed down by it.

I know it makes me sound really full of myself, but that's just how the system works.

[funkymbtifiction]

those were great depictions/examples of the assertive triad. its subtle but i could see the image/head/gut differences too. if you don’t mind, do you have real life examples like that for the withdrawn triad? i imagine they’re almost the exact opposite of the assertive triad in terms of being active and proactive in the way you described since doing is repressed and i’m curious what it looks like irl for each of them!

Yeah, being doing repressed is difficult for the withdrawn triad.

The problem with giving examples is that I know of only two 4s in real life who are actual 4s (as opposed to all the 6s and 9s who think they are 4s) and no 5s outside of e-mail interactions, so it's hard for me to sum up examples when I mostly just know a ton of 9s.

I asked a 9 what doing repressed feels like the other day and he said it's never assuming that there's anything you can do to fix whatever problem is happening in your life. To him, it feels like being a passive participant swept along in events beyond his control, because to take action would feel like over-asserting himself and causing separation from others; it's much easier to go along with their agenda. But the more he does this, the more anger and resentment builds if he winds up doing things of no interest or personal benefit to him.

That being said, I'll do the best I can.

5 doing repressed -- a 5 I know had severe health problems and so he contented himself with a fantastical inner world and pushed away the outer world completely. He was an intuitive, and the more he got pulled into his dominant Ni, the less tangible reality had an affect on him in a meaningful way. Everything in it automatically became bleh in comparison to his lofty ideas and concepts. He became disdainful of people who were 'doers' instead of philosophizers. Me, and my manic energy and drive to accomplish things, he saw as 'lacking a rich inner experience.' He thought I would benefit from an hour of meditation per day, if not more. He also loathed my 6ish/Neish contradictions. His N combined with his 5ish tendency to abandon reality for inner imagination meant that he did very little, even on abstract things such as a novel. 5s do not possess the push that tells them they are ready; they are always refining, or learning more, or thinking about it more, rather than acting on it. He had lots of lofty ideas and thoughts to share, but never got around to putting them into an accessible form that anyone else could benefit from.

4 doing repressed -- the 4's doing repression combines with their eternal frustration to create a type that often dwells in the negative things that have happened to them and expresses them in a context of drawing attention to their broken quality, but not allowing you to touch it -- and refusing to do anything about it. The idea that they could overcome their wounds and heal does not occur to them; they see their wounds as eternal, but also part of what makes them so precious and different and beautiful that you cannot understand or touch them. It makes them different. If they were to fix it, that would be denying their inner experience. Both 4s I have known where very fixated on their 'wounds' (abuse, being born with defects, growing up in hospitals, not having normal childhoods, etc). But they do not want therapy, which would be the 'doing' way to move past it. In the same way it did not occur to the 9 to fix the problem, it does not occur to a 4 to be proactive in moving beyond their trauma. Even the idea of it disgusts them. That's what normies do and need, not me.

9 doing repressed -- this is probably the most relatable example for any 9s reading, but their chronic 'laziness' in terms of doing is often what creates the conflict they were hoping to avoid. 9s think or hope that by ignoring a problem, it will go away or resolve itself, when many times, ignoring it makes it worse. Let's say a 9 receives an urgent e-mail or text that is somehow significant or soul-bearing for the other person or includes something that should be responded to quickly (maybe someone's aunt died). The 9 does not immediately answer it, because they get distracted or it seems like it would take too much effort to compose their thoughts, so they decide to do it later. The next day, they think a lot about that person, but do nothing about it. Thinking, 9s tell me, sometimes make it feel like they acted, but they didn't (daydreaming about a friend is not the same as calling them). This goes on for a while and then one day the 9 checks their e-mail again, and finds THAT e-mail still there, and looks at when it was sent and feels a small jolt of panic, because it has been two weeks! And now they are afraid to answer it, because what if this person is mad at me?? But the 9 now has to answer it, because to leave it any longer is going to make it worse. They do so with fear and trembling, masking their anxiety by being sweet or cheerful. Or maybe the 9 doesn't notice how long it's been, and answers it, and then their friend is mad at them, so the 9 gets mad about this and feels angry about others feeling entitled to an immediate response!

In each way, the doing repressed withdrawn type suffers due to their lack of assertiveness. The 5 is thinking productively in terms of analysis and objectivity, but is not being rational in their lack of ability to act on these things for their own betterment. The 4 is thinking with their feelings but not rationally, because they are preoccupied with protecting their self-image of fragility. The 9 is refusing to set their own agenda in favor of going with the flow and then creating the emotional upsets within others that they were hoping to avoid.

[herofics]

hello!! since your requests are open, i hope you dont mind me sending one in, but anyways ill get started anyways ad i got this idea while watching ta movie....

can you do Momo Yaoyorozu, Katsuki Bakugou and Ochako Uraraka with a S/O who has the same personality and quirk as Dr. Strange??

thank you and have a great day!!

I rewatched the first Doctor Strange movie like a week ago so I could write this, but I can’t remember shit. The quirk is like the whole conjuring of cosmic energy and using it to create weapons and shields or whatever and creating portals. I didn’t do the time powers since I feel like that was a bit too much. I did change this quite a bit since all you really gave me were character traits and not an actual situation to write about. I sort of used the story in the movie. UA is like equivalent to Kamar-Taj or whatever and the reader went there to train after they were in a car accident and their hands got messed up. This more like ends with them starting to date rather than them dating the whole time. Couldn’t come up with anything for Momo, but oh well

~Uraraka Ochaco~

•You had been accepted into UA just before you got into the car accident and your hands got messed up

•You’re family is like obscenely rich and your parents spent crazy amounts of money to try and get your hands fixed, but it wasn’t successful

•You still got to attend UA since your parents convinced the school that you would work hard to get better

•When you started in class 1-A you were very resentful and snarky towards everyone and you were super self-centered

•Uraraka was still very kind to you and you you didn’t even really notice you’d developed a crush on her

•She was your friend, even when you tried to push her away and isolate yourself

•You were in physical therapy along with your training in school, and you were starting to get pretty frustrated because you felt like it didn’t help

•But Uraraka urged you to keep going and you did eventually make a lot of progress

•When you did start getting better and also started to have a better handle on your quirk again, you felt bad about how you’d treated her

•Uraraka told you it was okay, and she knew you never really meant anything bad by it

•You asked her to go on a date with you eventually, and she said yes

~Bakugou Katsuki~

•You and Bakugou definitely did not get along, partly because you both were self centered brats at the start of the school year

•In a weird way he helped you make a lot of progress with your recovery though, since you wanted to keep one upping him all the time 

•He heard about what had happened to you like a month into the school year, and he felt just a tiny bit bad about how shitty he’d been towards you

•He wouldn’t apologize but he does start being a bit less shitty towards you

•Bakugou ended up asking you on a date, but he did it like very passive aggressively, like how else would he do it

•Aaanyway, you tell him you’d consider it since you weren’t really sure at first, but you weighed your pros and cons and agreed to go out with him

•It’s kinda hard to go on dates since UA is in a lockdown and especially your class isn’t allowed anywhere outside the school alone, but you figure it out

•It’d be pretty easy to sneak out with your quirk, but neither of you want to get in trouble with Aizawa so you never do that

[confessions-official]

For my age, I feel like I know who I am pretty well. I am honest with myself in a way that I don’t think many people are. I don’t mean that as an insult or a boast, it’s difficult and at times painful to really see yourself, to understand and accept every part. Many people don’t try because they’re so afraid of who they might be.

I’ve never really had that fear though, I don’t find it hard to acknowledge my flaws, I find it relatively easy to analyze my behavior and make sense of complicated emotions. I think this is because I’ve been in therapy since I was 12 and I’m 24 now. I’m so used to being around therapists I think I’ve become my own therapist. I can interrogate and challenge myself the way a good therapist would. I think self interrogation is the kind of skill that needs to be actively cultivated, and I’ve gotten relatively far with it for someone in their twenties.

But at the same time, I can’t be authentic around most people, I am too afraid of their judgement. I don’t understand how I can be so secure in my sense of self, and yet so anxious about how others perceive me at the same time. It feels like a contradiction.

I get so frustrated with most of my friends, because I feel like they don’t really know me. I know the frustration is not rational, because it’s not their fault I can’t be authentic with them. I know it’s not fair of me to be angry when they have no idea I even feel this way. It’s resulted in a lot of uneven friendships. I feel like I know them, they feel like they know me, but I don’t feel like they know me.

There was one time I did tell a friend about these feelings of isolation, and they were extremely hurt. They told me they felt betrayed because they felt like they knew me really well, and thought of us as really good friends, and to hear how isolated and uncomfortable I truly felt made them feel like I deceived them somehow. I’ve never brought it up with anyone else after that. I know bottling things up isn’t healthy, neither is holding onto resentment. But it’s a hard thing to articulate without sounding cruel. How do you tell someone you care about that they make you aren’t comfortable around them? How do you tell someone you like you can’t be authentic with them?

There are two people total I’ve met in my life who I’ve felt like I can totally be myself around. For some reason with them I can just relax, I don’t even think about it, but with everyone else, even people I really like, I can’t. I can’t tell if this feeling of being unknowable is just a normal thing that everyone feels, if it’s temporary or permanent, if it’s just a product of youth or if it’s a part of my personality for good… I don’t know. I wish I could trust others more. I wish my self awareness translated directly into confidence. I wish I didn’t care about people’s judgement as much.

.

[seafoamchild]

i can hear the crickets tonight. the air has cooled off a bit, finally. it's been so hot lately and we don't have air conditioning. i haven't spent that much time in the great outdoors this summer. and that is okay, because in previous summers i've been outside a lot and done a bunch of hiking. this summer i've just been working and going to shows and seeing friends and partying.

yesterday i went to another street festival in riverwest and it was so... riverwest. misfits, punk bands, tattoos, people with no shoes, reptiles, people with mismatched shoes on. i found a fabulous skin tight dress with a slit up the side and it was sparkly blue like the rainbow fish. i tried it on and it looked so good on me that a random lady came up to take a picture.

then i wore the dress out later that night to the wine bar where one glass of wine turned into three and then we went to the tiki bar which is always a terrible idea. as soon as we got there i saw so many men staring at me in my dress. i was drinking a lot and people kept buying me shots. this happens every time i go to that goddamn place. this one older dude (who was honestly kind of hot) was very into me and being very frank about wanting to have sex with me. drunk me of course loved the attention. i love to be a tease because it makes me feel powerful in that moment, i guess. i love flirting and making men want me and then disappearing. you can want me but you can't have me. it feels almost like playing a character. i see these men eyeing me up and thinking about sex. but they don't know anything about me. they don't know how funny i am or that my favorite color is yellow or that i can speak several languages or that i've traveled all around the world. and they don't get to know.

i was thinking about how much my relationship with luke sucked. he was so unkind to me. and i really think he resented me for being well-liked and fun to be around. he could not handle having a girlfriend who was funnier and far more magnetic than he could ever be. i truly think he was jealous and that he took it out on me by invalidating my feelings whenever i was down. like "oh everything is so easy for you and everyone likes you so you have no reason to be sad". but then he would show understanding to other people who were going through depression. so it was apparently just me who wasn't allowed to be depressed. and THEN after the infamous night at Chill on the Hill when i called him out for making the evening so fucking awkward and weird and it did NOT have to be that weird, he had the audacity to say to me "you don't get to tell me how to feel". bitch what? that boy has the emotional intelligence of a cinderblock. all in all he's a decent dude but fuck him for making me feel like i was too much. he just wasn't enough. not kind enough, not empathetic enough, not funny enough, and certainly not smart enough.

i have my shortcomings too. i think i have been really unnecessarily mean to men, especially since i broke up with luke. just leading them on and then disappearing. like i said, i relish the attention. but it's just so unnecessary to play with people's feelings like that. especially with austin. i really tormented that dude. or elliott. i straight up ghosted him.

and i need to address my issues with drinking and doing drugs. i have really poor impulse control. and i've been so messy. last night i was throwing up into trash bags next to my bed until 3am. it feels normal because a lot of my friends and coworkers are into partying really hard. but i'm starting to not really like how messy i become. i think alcohol is the main problem, actually. i think i can handle myself on drugs but when i mix them with alcohol that's when shit gets to be too much. i've even put off scheduling a therapy appointment because i don't want to talk about this but i know i need to.

[observer37]

I choose not to believe in free will

To reader: work in progress, an insane argument for determinism (hopefully). Expect Markov chains (?).

I don't like any of the arguments for determinism. One of them goes, "Things are either entirely in your control or not at all" and then proceeds to make a universal logic statement that makes sense, sure. It's actually a nice argument that resolves in to the same old "Liar paradox". I find something inherently unsatisfying about arguments that resolve into proofs by contradiction. When proving things in mathematics, you make assumptions and then you assume the contrary to what you are trying to prove. Then you derive an expression that satisfies all but one condition of your assumptions. This is inconclusive in the determinism argument. I think my core intuition is that humans behave in predictable patterns (see "Structural philosophy" in 'Chancing upon the Ubermensch'), and that is where deterministic trajectories arise from.

<...>

Everything under this is just rambling to try to figure stuff out. I can't make the rigid atheist claim as under, but my philosophical pursuits are all independent of any idea of "faith" because they serve isolated purposes.

I choose to make the following argument as if I do not believe in any higher power (hitherto referred to as THP) to rigidly sort out my thoughts on the non-existence of free will (or predestination).

random edit: lowkey morality and stuff is so hard to ground without belief in a thp. i feel blind in this - that I can't feel the presence of a God - are believers less lonely for it? I said this once : Despite or perhaps because of my non belief in free will, predestination, etc., I've realised that I have little to no control over how the tides of my opinions shift. I did not will my opinions in this direction, but perhaps out of loneliness or lack of direction - some days I prefer to feel like a puppet. I like to imagine puppet strings on each of my joints.

In times of higher personal anxiety, I crave social order and organisation. I want to be able to categorise people and I have a higher desire for control and knowledge. Conservatism looks tempting and gilded at such times. This holds for most people in a certain economic class wlog.

Every person's opinions have a certain amount of rigidity. Even the freest of thinkers and the most orignalest of thoughts are conditional. This is such a trivial thing to say, but just for the record - to everyone I talk to who thinks they're immune to ignorance.

I don't really know where to start with my history with free will. It intertwines heavily with my belief in THP. Let me try to amp it systematically.

I've been contemplating existentialism for the longest time, probably since I was 12 or 13 (which is like, 7 years, to be fair, so not really that long). But we must go back further.

I remember crying to my mom when I was 7 because I realised that she was going to pass away at some point. This was entirely driven by reliance and baby mammalian dependency. I remember the family dog dying when I was 5. I remember my paternal grandfather dying in 2014(?). I remember that while I was staying in my father's hometown for his funeral rites, the house had a litter of kittens and a bunch of miscellaneous cats who died one by one. As an adolescent, before I subjected myself to sufficient exposure therapy for war atrocities, unfair deaths and senseless killings, torture, unprovoked acts of heinous violence - used to make me uncomfortable and sad. I don't know why I thought this was a relevant place to start talking about free will. My point is though, I can't remember ever truly fearing, or more importantly, resenting death. It always seemed par for the course.

[nevalizona]

My sweet brother sent me a bunch of oc prompts from that one list and I finally got to them!!!! Thank you hermanito!

Pardon any errors.

Woo Woo: What’s their relationship like with their parents/guardians?

Genevieve- She is extremely close to her parents. They wanted kids forever so when they finally did they just never wanted to let her or her brother out of their sight. Their over protectiveness definitely led to Genevieve being super clingy and afraid of the world because her parents did everything for her. Despite that, she loves her parents very much and values their opinion of anything.

Ivy Nicole- She was a daddy's girl through and through. She used to be glued to his side. That was until puberty hit. Her father and mother have no idea how to deal with her emotions. So they didn't. This left Ivy Nicole confused and feeling abandoned to some extent. Her older brothers, stepped in more as parental figures during this time. Ivy Nicole and her parents never quite got passed this bump in the road.

Jesús- He's a mommas boy. But so is his Twin brother. They'd do anything for their mom. She's a hardworker. Jesús also gets along well with his dad, who tries hard to be good for his boys. Overall, Jesús' family is healthy and whole (even though his mother has no idea how he ended up this way).

Rosaylie- Tellio and Rosaylie are a very confusing duo. Rosaylie and Tellio would die for each other. They would kill for each other. One day they will be the other's end.

Gaia- She has a very strained relationship with her parents. Gaia's mother and father are from Mexico. They came to the states to give Gaia and her little brother a better life. Her mother has dealt with intense depression and homesickness for as long as Gaia has been alive. Gaia harbored a sort of resentment towards her mother because of this. Gaia's father had to work a couple jobs to keep their family afloat. He wasn't around and had to balance being a stern father, friendly father and responsible father. This led to him and Gaia butting heads often.

Bambi- She is extremely close to her parents. She and her mom are best friends. And she's her father's angel. She has a much better relationship with her parents than her older brother does. Bambi does often feel pressured to be perfect, but she has learned to talk to her parents about that through therapy so she no longer has anxiety attacks.

Mimosa: Has your oc ever committed any crimes? If so, what did they do? If not, what would they be most likely to do?

Genevieve- She hasn't. She's too shy/anxious to do so. She has no reason to steal and she has no desire to do so.

Ivy Nicole- She was raised by two older brothers that taught her how to cheat, steal, and scam just about anything. She loves pickpocketing and tries to steal stuff from her friends (which she returns) all the time.

Jesús- He's been a part of several illegal gambling rings and has dealt and bought all kinds of drugs. He's also solicited prostitutes. Just anything seedy, he's done it.

Rosaylie- She helps her dad run a cartel. She's done a lot of bad stuff sksksk.

Gaia- She stuck up a gas station once. She got such a high from it, it scared her and she never did it again. She's stolen a car or two but these days she just smokes pot which isn't legal in Nevalizona.

Bambi- She does shrooms and acid. That's the only crime she's committing.

Mai Tai: How was your oc's life growing up? Did they do well in school if they attended? Do they have any awkward teenage memories?

Genevieve- She was eager about life. Big eyed and excited. Sometime in her early teens this changed and she developed massive anxiety, thus rendering her terrified of the world. She did great in school, since that's what she spent most of her time doing. She had a super embarrassing interaction with a boy she had a crush on. She thinks about it on occasion and wants to die lol.

Ivy Nicole- Messy messy messy. A lot was going on in her life. Her parents were busy, her brothers raised her. She felt her parents grow distant. Overall she didn't have a good time. My God she sucked at school. She went to an all girls catholic school and only did well during the religion specific classes and even then she got in a lot of trouble. She has plenty awkward teenage memories but one that haunts her, is one of the Sisters, grabbing something she was writing and read it to the class. It was the worst.

Jesús- He had a good upbringing. His parents love him and his Twin brother a lot. He got himself into a lot of trouble, but looks back at the early years with fondness. Jesús dropped out of high school. He made it to his Junior year before he bounced. Francisco his Twin brother, graduated. Jesús is a loser so he has plenty of awkward teenage memories. Once he was at a party and he had been eyeing this girl the entire night. He finally put a move on her and she laughed in his face. He played it off but it tore him up inside.

Rosaylie- Oh boy. This is a tough one. Let me just say, growing up her life was rocky to say the least. Her father kept her from her mother and other siblings, pitting them all against each other. She used to think Tellio was a good dad until her early 20s. Then she had a massive change of heart and has been terrified of him ever since. She did great in school. Tellio refused to "have a stupid daughter" so he made sure she had the best help and guidance. This girl is nothing but an awkward teenage memory. When she was 16, she and her on and off again (terrible ass) boyfriend, Zeke, tried to sneak off one night and decided to go to the beach the same night a weird party was being thrown. Zeke and her thought it was funny and uncomfortable.

Gaia- She didn't have a great upbringing. She pulled away a lot from her parents. And her parents didn't know what to do with her. She is extremely close to her little brother though. That's her everything. She did alright in school. She could have done great if she applied herself a bit more. Of course was awkward teenage memories but if she told ya, she'd have to kill ya😉

Bambi- She had a great upbringing. She's close to her parents. She's close to her older brother. She had a little trouble when her mental illnesses started appearing but her mom had her go to a therapist early on. She did struggle with her brother getting into so much trouble. He's been in and out of prison for awhile. She did ah-maze-ing in school!!!! She was expected to, and she made her parents proud. Bambi has so many awkward moments, I cannot pick one to be specific about. She's a nerd. She's a dork. She's a freak. She's a mushroom. That's all you need to know.

Daiquiri: Is your oc a smoker? If so, do they plan on quitting?

Genevieve- Genevieve doesn't smoke often. In college she smoked a tad bit more. But she cutback when started working. She mostly just shares a cigarette with Connor. Since he smokes so much, she can almost always just ask for a puff. She has no plans on ever stopping. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

Ivy Nicole- She smoked more in high school than she does now. She kinda just forgets about it. She's not someone that needs to smoke a lot. She prefers pot anyways. Which even that she doesn't smoke that much and usually just smokes that with Marshall. If she's hanging out with John she may bum one from him on occasion. She has no plans of stopping all the way.

Jesús- He's close to being a chainsmoker, but not quite. If he doesn't have a cigarette in his mouth, he has a toothpick. He really enjoys smoking. He has no plans on quitting any time soon.

Rosaylie- She smokes on occasion. Her father is a much heavier smoker than she is. She smokes more when she drinks. She has no plans on quitting because she doesn't smoke much anyways.

Gaia- she was created for Cowboy Times before I brought her to the modern world, so yes she smokes. Yes she's a chainsmoker. She wishes she was alive when a pack of cigarettes was just a quarter. She would rather die than give up smoking.

Bambi- She doesn't smoke a lot. Since she hangs out with Gaia she can have a puff whenever. She prefers pot though, which she smokes a ton of. She has no plans on quitting smoking pot any time soon.

Gin Rickey: What does your oc consider to be their best feature? Alternatively, what's something they're most self conscious about?

Genevieve- Genevieve thinks her eyes and lips are her best features. She thinks she's very pretty because of those. She's insecure about her huge nose. So she loves it when Connor mentions how much he loves her massive nose.

Ivy Nicole- She really likes her lips. She thinks they look nice and pretty. Overall though she's insecure of her cute chubby cheeks. She worries they make her seem too young.

Jesús- He loves his hair. He think it makes him look so cool, jet black and slicked back like that? He adores it! He's insecure about how tall and lanky he is. He worries that ladies won't find him attractive because of it.

Rosaylie- She's an odd one because she was raised somewhat with a God complex and thinks the absolute best of herself. She would say her eyes are her best features. If you ask her what she's insecure about, she'll just stare you down.

Gaia- She loves her hair. She thinks it's the best thing about her. It's curly, it's crazy, it's all over. She's insecure about the massive scar she has on her face.

Bambi- She loves her nose. She thinks it's super cute because it looks like a mushroom. She is insecure about her eyes.