#there are like certain things interesting about it ig but none of them make me go HMMMM or !!! very excitedly

[welcometoteyvat]

ive only seen one (1) person say this but im sorry arle trailer is at best 6/10 to me, it definitely wasnt as cohesive as the recent ones we've had and to me nothing rlly happened lol

[daz4i]

yknow what i have nothing to do and need to distract myself from *gestures vaguely* and i mentioned it a few times in the last few days so i may as well talk abt that one theory i like

first of all let me say. it's not my own original theory lol i can't remember where i saw it first but it's p common so it'd be a bit hard to trace who was the first to bring it up

second. i know it contradicts some themes or at least some messages bsd is going for. which is why i don't think it's too likely (on the other hand some elements in the story can def allow a plot point of that sort to happen without being contradictory asdfhg matter of perspective ig)

ANYWAY the actual theory:

dazai knows he's in a story and aware that he is a character

backup for that theory:

honestly not much. a minor fourth wall break for laughs (the "wow~" scene. you know the one) isn't really proof, but if it was true it'd add some depth to that scene i think!

the main thing i think is cool abt this theory is how it recontextualizes a lot of things about him;

the thing that made me think abt making this post is that collection of dazai saying "you can't kill me" at various points of the story. most of them have context for each scene (atsushi can't kill him bc nlh will nullify the tiger, fyodor can't kill him bc he has the power of friendship, etc), but the fact the same line repeats multiple times makes it stand out to me

so consider this: dazai is confident that he won't die because he knows he can't die before the story is over, bc that's what the narrative decided. that's why none of his suicide attempts ever work (tho you already know my opinion on why that is, in the context of the story itself). he keeps trying tho bc man. it's tiring to be aware

that being said! well. we know he's been suicidal from a very young age. he sees no meaning in the act of living. and, being a character in a story, knowing that your life is all fake, can certainly make one's life feel meaningless, huh.

and ofc, alienation from those around him, since he seems to be the only one aware of the story. he is quite literally separate from the human experience bc of this

also some more angst :) i do firmly believe dazai feels a lot of guilt, more for meta reasons than him really showing it. guilt is a very big repeating element in no longer human and its protag yozo, whom i think dazai is obviously very inspired by. soooooo now consider this :) guilt over odasaku's death. in the context of the story, there is no reason for him to feel that, more or less. maybe nothing beyond "if only i called ango out earlier" "if only i got there in time and got him help", he didn't actually cause oda's death, not more than mori did for example, and he did the best he could too.

buuuuuuut what if he's a character in a story. he doesn't know if the story is about him yet, but given how other people around him don't seem to notice they're characters, it must be, right? the narrative depends on him. and, in that narrative, odasaku ends up dying. if he didn't exist, odasaku could live (really interesting to think abt that in the context of beast, too)

actually since i brought it up. beastzai definitely seems to know he's a character. he knows his existence doesn't mean much, i mean his whole universe is just an offshoot of the main one, literally an au of canon. that's even more meaninglessness on top of canonzai's meaninglessness, and he experienced both of them at once. no wonder he ended up killing himself damn 😩 (sorry this is a joke. ik he killed himself for some noble reason. but also i bet this made it easier)

an awareness of this level can explain some things like how dazai knows things are gonna play out in certain ways - he knows he's in a story, so he knows the narrative has to end in some satisfying way. the main characters have to win, so the doa have to lose. fyodor can't kill him. and we're back to the start

problem with this theory:

that thing i mentioned abt themes and messages in bsd. a lot of the story seems to tell us dazai is HUMAN. having him aware of everything on a meta level, imo, may cheapen that message, bc that quite literally makes him More than others in the universe.

then again the story (and asagiri in interviews lol) also seems to show again and again that he is exceptional and knows best so eh. like i said, matter of perspective

how i think it might work:

no longer human lmao

yknow how it was said The Book was created by an ability (and that's probably why it caused a singularity when beastzai touched it). well. what if the whole narrative we're following, in a way, in the universe of bsd, can count as an ability too. like a combination of The Book and poe's ability, kinda. (i've seen some theories in the past abt how asagiri is gonna be the final boss of bsd lol and that he would indeed have an ability that's just. *gestures at everything* this)

sooooo while nlh can't take him out of the story physically, it nullifies his ignorance to the situation. in a way, he's out of the story because he sort of watches it from an angle others can't

ok i officially ran out of brain power. i might add more in a reblog at some other point but for now these are the only thoughts i have. if you subscribe to that theory as well, or even just thing it's cool, i would love to hear some of your ideas - what other parts of dazai and his story do you think this changes? what does it mean about his relationships with other characters? please share if you have any thoughts on the matter!!! :)

[ucannotkillmeinawaythatmatters]

im rewatching Moon Knight while I embroider, so I figured why not post about it!! I still haven't unlocked the gif ability everyone on here seems to have, so I'm just gonna have to describe everything without proof. this is gonna be an in depth, long, and rambly post, so you can read the rest after the cut if you'd like!!

episode 1: the goldfish problem

so a lot of this episode is establishing Steven and the situation that he's in. it's kinda sad cuz on the surface level, he has a nice life. he's got a job, a big flat, he calls his mom pretty often. but when you look deeper it gets sadder. the main thing that sticks out is how lonely Steven is

JB doesn't know his name, the only person he can talk to is a statue person that doesn't respond back, his boss is mean. he's so lonely in fact that he accepts a date with a person he doesn't really know to a STEAK HOUSE.

(I have my own theory about how that was Jake who was trying to be nice and get a date for Steven?? maybe?? bc it's highly unlikely that marc, who has a wife, would do that. and even if you tried to argue that marc did it for Steven, why would he then go and make him miss it?? plus, I'm certain he knows that Steven is a vegan. which also makes you wonder why Jake didn't notice that detail, but I digress)

(side note number two, Steven is good with kids and I'll die on that hill. the scene where he's explaining things about mummification to that little girl?? answering her questions patiently and excitedly?? yeah, he's a hit with them, I promise you. and not just when he's talking about his Special Interest. also the foreshadowing of that girl asking him if it sucked to get rejected from the field of reeds?? I'm sickkkk)

and ofc, there's the main issue of steven falling asleep in his bed and waking up in the middle of nowhere without a clue as to how he got there. I'd like to take a second to commend Stevens intelligence here!! anke restraints, sand around the bed, tape on the door?? I would never even think of these things.

either way, none of it works and he wakes up in the middle of goddamn nowhere, injured and hurting at that!! (even if khonshu fixed it, he still sounded like he was in pain for a while there). people are shooting at him, he's so so desperately trying to give this strange man (who he just witnessed kill a woman mind you) the beetle but he can't, and all the while a strange voice is berating him every two seconds. again kudos to Steven bc I could never. I would have been crying the moment I heard the gunshots.

(Jake theory again. I'm so certain that a lot, if not all of the car stuff was Jake. I love marc, but I refuse to believe he could manage those car skills, while shooting at ppl, while on the a narrow road of a fucking mountain. nahhhh that was all my boy Jake)

(also note that when Steven first woke up in the grass after Marc?? jumped and fell fourish stories?? khonshu called him a worm. and then further specified and called him "the idiot." I firmly believe that khonshu calls Steven AND Jake worms/parasites, it's just that Stevens the idiot and Jakes the competent one ig)

and waking up after all of that like nothing happened must have been so frustrating. I know Marc was just trying to protect him, but instead Stevens just being gaslighted and facing psychological warfare. so everywhere he goes he's faced with signs that he might be crazy or he might not be. ex: gus suddenly having one fin, the time being wrong, Marc appearing in the mirror and talking to him completely unhelpfully, khonshu FUCKING TORMENTING HIM FOR NO REASON, but also the burner phone he found, harrow being real, and the dog creature I can't remember the name of!!

so much of this episode was Steven being scared and unhappy and overwhelmed and it makes me sad!! he's so precious and sweet, he doesn't deserve to be going thru any of that.

(also I'm never ever gonna get over the cinematography and thematics of the mirrors in the museum bathroom. first of all mirrors cool. second, the hints at his multiplicity thru the infinite images of the bathroom, but with Marc in only one of the reflections. I'm gonna be fucking sick)

so yeah!! those are most of my thoughts. I know that pictures and gifs are a huge part of making a post Not Boring and I'm gonna use them as soon as I learn how istg

[easy-revenge]

Hii

So many people are calling Himeno a groomer and pedophile. What are your thoughts?

hellooo

oof.

ive seen the hate and slander for himeno on all platforms first hand. let me get some things out of the way first:

i do not defend himeno, nor her actions regarding denji. there is no defending that. it is what it is.

i can speak more on what ppl target her for though, bc i think its interesting.

(DISCLAIMER: opinions, in this case mine. no one has to agree with me. i have a lot to say but if you're not willing to listen and don't care about my pov, kindly move past this post. thank u)

the vast majority of ppl hating her that ive seen and/or interacted with online always find a way to get aki involved into the conversation. that's bullshit and i wanna speak on it before i touch on anything else.

aki is around 22 years old.

there is a tiktok here from one of my fav creators breaking that one down since a lot of ppl misread his introduction scene and thought he was 19:

with that said and done, there is nothing weird about aki and himeno whatsoever (ive seen ppl hate her for getting him into smoking which, ig fair, but lets be real for a sec and realize that even not knowing the spoilers, its pretty safe to assume that lung cancer is not what's gonna take them out). aki was around 19 when they met, which makes him a minor, but there was no hints whatsoever about himeno liking him until later on.

she didn't "watch him grow up" or "groom" him. she is in love with him in the present, when they are both of age. she knows aki has feelings for makima and doesn't cross any boundaries as we see both her and aki are comfortable being close with each other and initiating contact.

with the aki bullshit done, let's go back to the real thing: denji.

again, what himeno did to denji is inexcusable. there is no way around it. the fact that she was drunk doesn't serve as an excuse bc she still very much is the adult in the room and should've been more responsible.

i want to however talk about the terminology.

groomer.

a groomer is someone who builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them.

^ this is copy pasted from a dictionary. ring a bell? yes, that's literally makima.

himeno on the other hand did none of those things to denji. her offering him a kiss was more of a joke than anything else (plus she didn't know he was 16 back then) and she never had an ulterior motive for getting close to him.

im actually fairly certain that ppl call her a groomer more regarding aki than denji bc aki is the one she's known for a longer time and has had an effect on. i won't go back into this. utter bullshit. aki is not a child and himeno is not manipulating him. next.

the pedophile allegation is a bit of a rougher one to talk about. himeno initiated this playful flirting with denji at the start of the eternity devil arc, not knowing his age. she said explicitly right after that she "loves teasing boys" which implies that it was more a joke than anything else and considering that we proceed to get numerous flashbacks that let us know how deep her relationship with aki is and how genuine her feelings for him are, we can safely assume she does not give a fuck about denji.

the actual act that brought on the "pedophile" term happens when she is drunk. this, again, does not excuse her but i think can speak volumes about her state of mind. we know she gets extra flirty when she drinks and by the time the kiss happens she's tried to outdrink makima which means she's literally hammered. she is also drunk, significantly less but still, when she finds out denji's age. we know she is present enough for that info bc she remembers it the next morning when she brings it up, but again i dont think processing and comprehending information works just as well when you're half a dozen draft beers in. i dont have something more solid to say about this besides: she was really drunk and made some really bad choices bc she is irresponsible, flawed and generally messy as a person.

i dont feel comfortable calling her a pedophile. it doesn't ring that true to me. i dont think she is genuinely attracted to denji or would want to have sex with him while sober.

she knows it was wrong the next morning and she brings it up. that also shows that sober and with a clear mind she doesn't feel the same way.

the act itself is still horrible and inexcusable, but i think her thought process matters when it comes to assigning terms to her.

at the end of the day, i cant fight the ppl who do call her a pedophile. she did in fact attempt to have a sexual encounter with a minor. end of story. i mostly went into depth about this to talk about the aki thing bc it keeps popping up.

as for me, i choose to not erase her entire character over that one scene and reduce her to what ppl see her as. her arc is very well-written. SHE is very well-written. i keep recycling my words from my other posts but i think she is a perfect reflection of the universe she is in. we know she drinks and numbs everything out. we know the kind of dependency she has when it comes to aki and how it can cloud her judgment. she is very messy as i said and fundamentally flawed. but i loved seeing a broken character.

in a series like csm where denji can get cut in half and get back up to fight, its important for me to have characters like her to make u rly feel the impact of living in a world like this.

also the easy revenge storyline was dope as shit.

that's all about my thoughts on this, ive beem wanting to articulate them for a while, thank u for giving me the chance !!

[mayflowers515]

Facts About My Main OC, Mayflower!

(I think it's about time I made a post relating to her- She's literally my main OC so...)

🌸🌸🌸

This is Mayflower (call her May for short). May isn't her original name. She recalled the month of May being important to her, so she was given that name.

She resides in a vast, heavenly flower meadow that is very peaceful and quiet. Sometimes too quiet... It also has a big tree with a treehouse that has a lot of her favorite things.

She used to live a different life before entering her flower meadow, but she passed away and somehow ended up here. The exact place she was dreaming to end up in if death crossed her path.

She has a bluebird friend named Bluebell. He guides her throughout her time in the flower meadows to make sure she isn't lonely.

May also has other friends that visit her, but none of them resemble true human beings from her past life. They are based on stuffed animals she enjoyed very much as a child that basically came to life to keep her company in her flower meadows. Besides that, she is pretty lonely and longs for new people to see her.

The thought of living a life and not remembering much of it scares her. She tries hard to recall the memories she had before entering her flower meadow, and she cries when she can't think of anything.

May doesn't remember the actual memories of her life, but she remembers the feelings associated with certain situations she likely could've been a part of. She also remembers certain aspects of her life bringing her joy such as her hobbies, family, etc.

She has a tendency to daydream a lot.

She has a really big sweet tooth, and especially loves pie. Give her something like pumpkin pie or French silk and she will be a happy puppy :>

May likes playing songs for her animal friends from time to time. She likes singing and playing instruments like the kalimba.

Music in general makes her very happy. She hums and sings a lot and she also keeps headphones handy on her in case she wants to actually listen to music all of a sudden.

She has a fondness for flora. Flowers and clovers particularly pique her interest.

She looks calm outwardly and while she tries to keep the peace, on the inside her mind is much more chaotic. Mainly filled with emotions on things she has dealt with or is currently dealing with in the present. She often cries in response to letting those inner feelings out.

She is active in the things that interest her, and is especially happy that she has found a gateway to still communicate with people even when she's so far away (explanation for how she can interact with others ig)

She especially loves magical girls. She pretends to transform into one in her flower meadow sometimes. Especially helps since she can fly around freely and peacefully.

Me (irl) and May share the same mind when it comes to ideas. So whenever I come up with something for a series, May will also think of it. For her, the idea just came to her and hopes to toy with it to become reality, which she can't easily do due to circumstances. That's where I (irl) come in! (will especially be prevalent with series I plan for the future!)

May's situation regarding her being in the flower meadow is conflicting. On one hand, it's a dream come true for her to be in such a lovely place and getting a chance to remain happy and peaceful in spirit. On the other, she gets very sentimental at the thought of what her previous life was like, and how being in such a peaceful flower meadow won't change the memories that she lost.

May may share a lot of my own personality traits, but I don't believe we would be the exact same person. May likely has more self-control and, despite what I said about her mind being a bit chaotic, she would be more inwardly calm than me. Probably would also be more childlike in a sense. Especially enhanced because of being in a place where she can be unapologetically herself happily without getting judged. She would also be much more easygoing regarding certain situations. Probably also slightly more outgoing than me irl ✌️

The big gimmick behind the creation of May is the outward display of nostalgia she feels regarding the things she felt in her past life, whether that be feelings or places.

For those who haven't seen my blogs yet, this could basically be an introductory post to myself, and an overall introduction towards my blog's main OC. I hope to express more about her soon! I do have a little something planned for her, but it might take a bit to get it ready. (In all honesty, I don't have a big variety in content subjects yet, but hopefully for those who are into the things I may have listed there, you will soon see what I have planned and find quality some time soon! ^^)

🌸🌸🌸

[pastelwitchling]

Hot Takes Part I. Intimacy.

I’m working on The Wolf King right now, but I’m craving cake, so instead of getting up to make one, I will talk a little bit about intimacy between queer couples on some of my favorite shows, and the difference between having and not having it. I’m going to be referencing Roswell New Mexico, Shadowhunters, 911 Lone Star, and this new Thai show that I love, KinnPorsche, and the difference between the couples in all four of these, for anyone interested.

This is meant to be a kind of study of things I’ve noticed, so grab some tea and cookies, and settle in.

Intimacy between the main characters, to me, makes or breaks the couple. If I can’t buy that you two would touch off screen, I don’t buy your touch on screen. Let me explain.

There’s a certain naturalness I’ve noticed that comes with playing a couple on screen. On one of vlamburn’s latest IG livestreams, Vlamis said that somebody had asked him if that sigh he made after kissing Alex in 3x08, or if Alex putting his head on Guerin’s shoulder, was in the script, and he said you couldn’t fake typical human reactions like that. Michael and Alex are in love, the kiss had been a long one in the making, and when it came, those little reactions that we still gif, are just what people deeply in love would do, without even needing to think about it.

I wouldn’t even be surprised if that moment in 4x02, where Michael put his hands on top of Alex’s as he was showing him the pendants he’d made, hadn’t been in the script either. But it was a no-brainer for them to touch each other like that, because, as my friend pointed out, they inhabit their characters, they don’t just play their characters.

I think back to couples like Tarlos, who also have these intimate moments through simple acts. Carlos’s thumb brushing the skin under T.K.’s shirt when he was in the hospital, the way they touch each other or lean into each other, I wouldn’t be surprised if none of those little mannerisms were in the script, because they inhabit their characters. I’m not even talking about the big things they did that weren’t in the script, like the police station scene. I’m talking about the small moments that we all notice and that really emphasize their closeness. They behave like two people in love who, in the back of their minds, are always turning towards each other.

When I first saw Alex kissing Michael’s chest in 1x02, my first thought was, Is Tyler Blackburn queer? When Ronen Rubenstein came out as bisexual, I was literally Phoebe in FRIENDS with the That is brand new information! meme. Hell, the fandom always asks Vlamis if he’s bi because of how close he gets to Tyler, how naturally he touches him on screen. Now, I’m not a fan of people determining other people’s sexualities, I feel like that’s wrong and entitled to do, especially when fans get so upset at somebody denying it, like it was true at any point in time and they just don’t want to admit it (what’s up with that?), but when the actors can fool me so that should they actually be queer, I’m not surprised? That’s real intimacy right there, and it is what makes the couple so beloved and timeless for me. It’s what makes their relationship so easy to write about and talk about and inspire my own storytelling.

Now. I compared that to something like Shadowhunters where, Gods help me, I don’t see that intimacy with Malec. Hear me out, hear me out. No one could’ve played Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane better than Matt and Harry. No one compares, I’m shocked those two don’t have Emmys for the performances they gave. But as a couple, they don’t have that same intimacy that malex, tarlos, or any of the couple on kp have. There’s a particular scene that I always think back to when I think of the stiffness between them, and it’s right after they first sleep together. Magnus has his fist on the blanket, and Alec’s fist is curled on Magnus’s back. There’s no playfulness, no tilting their heads towards each other, they’re just lying there completely still. And I get it, the first time, the morning after’s going to be a little strained for Malec, but every time after they sleep together, they don’t touch each other. There’s no casual brushing someone’s jaw, or tracing patterns on their back or arm, there’s no brief kisses, nuzzling anything. Nothing. Every time.

And I noticed it briefly when I was watching Shadowhunters, but not nearly as much as I did when I compared them to malex, who are always in some way leaning towards each other or touching when they don’t need to be. It always felt to me like Malec is going to kiss because the script says so. If the script doesn’t tell Magnus to brush back Alec’s bangs with his fingers, or doesn’t tell Alec to lean into Magnus or lean against him when he’s standing behind him, then they just won’t do it. I get Alec is a soldier and all, but after declaring his love for Magnus and clearly showing us that he feels a comfort with Magnus that he doesn’t feel with anybody else, you’d think there’d be some light touching sometimes. Granted, there are moments when they seem a little intimate, but they’re always so brief that I can clearly remember stiffer, awkward moments more than I can those rare close ones.

Then we get to kp which I highly recommend (just remember to skip the intro for the first four episodes so you’re not spoiled on the big twist at the end of episode four), and the show that got me realizing all of this. The intimacy in this show is breathtaking. I’ve seen Thai shows, I know what it looks like when you put together two people who are clearly just following the script, and it’s always, always beyond awkward. These couples are good at what they do. None of those extra little touches and fingers brushing were in the script, I’m so sure, and it all flows so phenomenally well. I’m usually disinterested in certain couples or characters in a show, I’m waiting for somebody’s scene to finish, but I was invested in every relationship here. I could tell you which one was my favorite, but they’re my favorite by a hair, that’s how good all the couples are.

I’m not saying the actors playing these couples have to be queer in real life, because if you try to tell me that anybody would’ve loved Alex/Tyler the way Vlamis does, I’ll know your judgement can’t be trusted. And I’ve seen queer actors play straight characters with more intimacy than any actual straight actor ever could (case in point, Anthony in Bridgerton). Being queer doesn’t even mean you get the intimacy right then either. It’s all about inhabiting the characters instead of performing them, and when I’m yanked out of a moment because I can tell that the actors only touched because the script said so, then that’s not intimacy, that’s not a couple that inspires me or lasts very long in my mind. We’re able to forgive so much of the crap that rnm puts us through because we know those malex moments are everything. Their love always outweighs the bad stuff, and we keep coming back to see them because those love stories are always worth it.

Just something I’ve noticed.

[tutuandscoot]

I admit that as a long time fan I’m cynical and sometimes scan through your posts. But you’re spot on when you say that people imposed their fantasy on VM and interpreted the actual care and support that was there to fabricate a romance instead of enjoying the beautiful partnership that was actually there. I am still sad that so much of my time watching VM was colored by that narrative (though I never believed they were a couple) and sadder still that I saw how nasty the fandom was and am now kind of bitter against some fans as a result and find it hard to watch some of the content we get now without being super cynical.

I love how you get to experience them in a refreshing positive way. Thanks for sharing that.

Honesty.. I’m an incredibly cynical person in general. So in a way this is my outlet to not be like that (I know.. not being cynical.. on the internet.. lololol) and actually see the beauty in these athletes and artists I admire so much (coming from a similar world I relate to them so much in that respect) but also this truly beautiful relationship.

I hate that so much cruel, fabricated BS exists out there. I know by speaking what I at least believe is the truth- and is really just reiterating what they say at face value.. isn’t gonna make up for the fact there was so many and at a glance, the rare times I look at other blogs, still conversations so obsessed with what gets written about them on reddit or Twitter or here disgusts me and frankly is sad that people really waste their time talking shit about them- they obviously aren’t fans of them or care about them, and not that TS need us randoms on the internet to care about them- they have those people in their lives that actually value them as people and not ‘famous celebrities’ (I hate that word and refuse to call them that).

I just don’t understand why people can’t just hear what they say and believe them and see them as a rare instance of people who have achieved so much and people know who they are but despite all that success are obviously just so grounded and really understand how to be good people. I hate how they get attacked for not speaking up about certain topics and in general just the way people fabricate their lives on social media. It’s disgusting there’s no other way to put it.. all the actual people in the world doing really shitty things and actively making peoples’ lives worse yet there’s those who chose to attack true angels like TS.. I’ll never understand it.

The reason I started this blog was just because I had so many thoughts and no one in my life was as fascinated by them as me so it was just a place to put those thoughts down and thankfully I kinda fell back into this all backwards and by the time I came to tumblr.. I had such a solid opinion of them no amount of bullshit I came across later really even seemed plausible, along with I did a lot of tumblr research before I even started posting so thankfully when I did start I had a direction for the posts I wanted to make and share and opinions I wanted to state while avoiding the majority of the crap. I would not have survived at all had I been on here back then. I struggle to engage with anything about their personal lives (I fully believe it’s none of my business to comment on) even posts about Scott’s coaching or other IAM teams, figure skating in general. If I want to know what TS are up to I’ll follow their IG’s, give them a like and carry on with my day.. I’m really not that interested in the discussion (fine if people are, I just have ethical issues with most of it).

I’m like you, I can’t really follow other blogs out of fear I might read something from nasty people still talking shit, so I kinda just have to put my thoughts out there without engaging in others coz so many of them appear negative. Which is fine with me (that I don’t engage), like I said this is basically a little public diary for me. I think I’ve said (to you before I’m assuming you’re the same anon) I hate the thought of true genuine fans being here a few years ago just wanting to appreciate them for what they are and met with bullshit fabricated lies, unfortunately that’s social media is general now, so without at all making myself out to be a saint of some kind I hope even a small group of us can engage in or even just read positive discussions that calls out the ridiculousness of people frothing over simply two best friends who saw the entire world in each other.

Always warms my heart to know people read my posts and get joy out of them coz I do writing them and yes it’s selfish but that’s why I do it, this is my hobby so the fact it makes others happy makes me happy 😊

[mellow-worlds]

It's weird. I don't know how I feel. Languid? Yeah, kinda. I guess I feel ok, I haven't been thinking about sudoku today, and hardly during the past few days. Tho I do want to just stay at home.

This also puzzles me, I have been doing some of the things people recommend doing to "get your life together" or whatever. I worked out today, did the laundry, read a little, showered and did some other things over the span of these few days. I don't know if I enjoy it? I read very few pages and worked out maybe ten minutes tops. I'm glad I did it, it's absolutely better than nothing, but I still... Idk? I didn't really enjoy doing it, it doesn't fulfil me and it was hard. In the past, I have liked working out and I'd say I generally love literature. Actually, reading today was just hard because I really had to concentrate (even though I felt like half of the contents still went over my head). I'm currently reading the Picture of Dorian Gray and I got to a very philosophical passage. Asides from that, Wilde's language is hard for me to read with ease.

So idk, I feel a certain dispassion towards these things that I do. Most of the day I do spend in bed, so maybe I should consider changing that. But what else would I do? Hmm, going for walks. Approaching friends myself if I want to meet up. Practicing the piano. And ofc apathetically staring at my computer screen. Idk... I don't really feel like doing any of these.

Speaking of which, tomorrow I'm meeting *that* person. To make it easier for me, I'll be calling them Snoopy. Idk... thinking about whatever it is we're doing does make me go :( I don't like it. I enjoy their proximity and spending time with them, but it feels so wrong. Whatever we got ourselves into, it was meant to not last. It never was meant to be. I had so many doubts from the beginning. In fact, there used to be a time where I would start shivering when thinking about them. Like crazy. And I used to avoid them purposefully.

It's so weird... They told me that they'd found me interesting for a pretty long time and I COULDN'T tell you why. I asked them, but got no useful answer. I didn't really phrase my question that directly, so it might be my fault. Anyway. Idk. It's weird. I still wonder. Why would anybody want to talk to me? Back then, when they claim to have started to like me, we've never really had a conversation. None of this makes sense to me. They said they thought I was cute?????? I didn't want to mention it because that makes it feel more... real? And braggy? AH idk idk idk.

It's wrong for me to spend time with Snoopy. I could never meet their needs. They have kinda noticed, and mentioned a lot, that they're always the one to approach the other person and asking to hang out. Honestly, most of the times when I see that they have texted, I wait up to two hours before responding because... I don't know. Maybe it's because I want to make them tihnk that there's a reason I "can't" hang out with them every day all day? Because they don't really know the truth, that being, me sitting in bed all day. Idk... And maybe it's because of this feeling that I'm trying to describe? That I don't really want to meet them despite really enjoying their company?

To be fair, I think that love is a social construct and maybe that is causing me to withdraw from getting too intimate and allowing this to be something serious? Or even giving it a name? Though it "being something serious" is also, in my opinion, just a societal uhm... thing. Which means that I really like talking to them, but... Idk. I do think about them a lot. Anyway. Let's drop that.

What's kind of messed up is that I've been thinking about how I can let them know that not seeing each other in this way any more would be the best. They've got no idea, or so I think, that I'm like this. Or... they've got a hunch. But they kinda do see me as a quell of endless positivity. Which... ig I am, except not endless. I don't want to hurt them, is my point. I don't want them to hate me. I wish we could just... never have met? And maybe still be on good terms with each other after I somehow let them know that I'm just too stupid for this to be a good idea. So uhm one method I came up with, which is the messed up part, is to get more depressed, if you can even call it that. Idk. Just uhm. Not being all that happy around them anymore. And uhm. Idk. They'd notice, I think. I don't know if I'd be able to pull it off, though, since I do enjoy talking to them. And I really, really don't want to be rude. I wish I could be upfront, but this is not really something that I could tell them, right? They'd be too supportive. And I just... I'd be so much easier if they hated me. Or never had spoken to me in the first place. I'm such a loser, anyway. And we're actually so... incompatible, if you think about it. I don't really want to talk about that rn, though, since I fear it'll make them sound less likeable, which isn't really the case, if you know them personally.

Despite all this, I keep thinking about what could be if only I weren't so stupid. They're the type of person you could do loads and loads of fun and stupid stuff with. And I kinda did want to meet 2 of the friends they sometimes tell me about. IDKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I want all of this to end, it fills me with more self-doubt than I'd like to experience. And ofc the thought "I should just unalive myself" keeps flashing in my head because I'm so stupid and selfish and narrow-minded and at this point I think that my brain is just trying to be edgy. Because I'm oh so cool.

I don't really want to meet them tomorrow. Or ever again. This is all my fault.

[arjunasearth]

Insta Detox: Day 14

Logged in into IG yesterday for about 5 minutes. Felt an instant overstimulation again. Checked certain profiles of ppl I personally know. Nothing really interesting. Not very interested in watching Stories again, watched a few and instantly got bored. Didn't post anything nor had the urge to. Lets me reflect more about my relationship towards the people I whose profile Ive been checking out. Basically only girls. 2 girls living in my hood (they literally moved here), one of them was once a best friend for me (But not I for her, though). The other girl has a hairsalon right around the corner.The third girl also used to be a friend of mine but we stopped seeing each other after a conflict, yet we got over it and still follow each other, communicating every now and then (digitally). I haven't seen all of them for years, yet they really don't live that far away. Maybe a clear sign to meet up with one of them? I honestly don't know. I feel like our lives became too different and everyone is following her path, what is good and mature. On the other hand, none of them seems really to care about me that much neither , so maybe I just let it be and see what happens. Interestingly enough, I haven't seem them in person around my hood since they moved here but Ive been watching their stories almost every day, what felt kinda unreal to me, considering the fact, that we are not even real friends anymore. Tbh, a part of me misses the time we had together in our friendships and I think basically that's all there is to it.. also noticed that following them has been very one-sided (with 2 of them) as I was regularly checking their stories out while they were not checking out mine as frequently or not at all (Why would you follow somebody then, though, because you simply 'know' each other? Makes me want to unfollow them tbh.) Made me feel like a stalker in a way, although I know that I am not. But it's like watching parts of their life from a background position , without real interaction or trust. Makes me think a lot. Also about how they WANT to be seen, to perform, to polarize in a way.

I am thankful for this platform and the possibility it gives me. Being able to openly reflect about my feelings and thoughts towards IG without the need to perform. I can simply write my soul out as I always do. An open dialogue and also a constructive monologue in a way. I am honestly thankful for cutting my IG-consumption drastically, regulating it and protocolling it properly for the first time since I am doing this. The biggest difference I noticed so far has been in my concentration level, which has enormously increased since I stopped using IG on my phone or logging into it on my pc every day , every 2-3 hours. It's crazy . I also feel the urge to write more digitally on tumblr and go into other creative digital and non-digital tasks.I am also realizing more and more how much of a performative culture is surrounding me and that It almost became a sort of addiction for so many people to fragment their lives and perform these tiny bits to a digital audience. Of course I am aware that I am doing the same thing , yet not on such a large scale as big 'Influencers' do. IG is more about purely posting pictures and videos, while the writing part is definitely limited in comparison to the other aspects.On tumblr, it is pretty equally distributed and writing has been my biggest passion anyway. Privacy is mental health. Proper privacy is self-care. Not oversharing everything is self-care, as well. Moreover, when I regulate my digital performance, I do not have the urge to share everything or to capture everything after all. I am able to enjoy the moment again, being more aware of it. And if i wanna take a picture, I'll just do it. I can share it whenever I like, whereever I like. I don't HAVE TO share it instantly. It's an option, not an obligation. That's the difference.

[craigslistdiavolo]

Request - Brothers (+dateables) x male MC that is shark like like shark teeth and others stuff like sharks boy from the movie sharkboy and lavagirl? If that’s okay? If not a male Mc that has powerful magic or is similar to Beelzebub with hunger and satans wrath?

a/n - this has been in my drafts for months and i just now finished it 💀

warnings - none that i can think of, very slight teensy barely even there maybe if you squint a bit implied nsfw

genre - fluff

male reader

-

Lucifer

he's never gonna say it out loud but he thinks you're teeth are sooooo hot

babe wake up new punishment for his brothers unlocked

you can simply scare them with your sharkiness when lucifer is mad at them

he will get mad at you if you accidentally bite him

it's quite easy to happen considering how sharp your teeth are

if he needs to cut something but cant find a knife or scissors he will ask you to use your teeth

will help you take care of some of your shark features when you need

Mammon

if there's a will there's a way and the will is to find a way to somehow make profit off of you being shark like

this stuff usually doesn't work but the people of devildom are very interested in a human that's somehow shark like

you will get a little bit of the profit 🙏🏻

i think he would count your teeth when he's bored

he also probably accidentally hurts himself by poking your teeth

you have to bandage his finger afterwards

if you have any patches of shark like skin, he'd like to run his hands against it

Leviathan

he thinks it's so cool

as always he'll show you characters that are shark like just like you

he'll ask you to cosplay them

you guys can cosplay together :)

he probably knows some cool shark facts that'd he shares with you

(you already know the facts but you dont tell him that bc he's happy)

honestly is the best for a shark like boyfriend

man knows his sea creature facts

will gladly help you take care of all your sharky features

he'll blush a lot depending on exactly what you ask him to help you with

Satan

highly intrigued

will look into it and try to figure out exactly why you are shark like

once he comes back to you with his shark knowledge, he's gonna share everything he learned

you probably already know most of the stuff 💀

aquarium dates

he's gonna tease you a bit but he means no harm

he'll point at a shark and say "look it's your cousin"

will mention being hungry for shark

you can take this as a threat or something else

Asmodeus

he'll make lots of flirty jokes

"is that your fin or are you just happy to see me?"

believes that your teeth are good for certain purposes 🤗 (i'll let you figure that out on your own)

we all know he's into skincare so he's gonna find a perfect skin care for your sharky self and features

if he sees cute shark things (ex. plushies) he'll buy them for you

will tease you a bit in a similar way that satan does

Beelzebub

do you like seafood?

hopefully you do bc he'll assume you do due to being shark like and he will get you an entire seafood buffet

obviously you have to share

if you dont like seafood that just means there's more for him

sharks are pretty strong animals so you guys can be workout buddies :] but only if you want

he thinks your teeth look very cool

you guys can go swimming together and like have a little swim race

you win bc of being shark like and all

he will treat you to whatever you like bc you're the winner :]

Belphegor

oh you're like a shark?

that's cool ig

seems like he doesn't care too much but he does actually thinks it's cool

is very confused about how a human can be shark like but he doesn't spend too much time thinking about it

he'll get a shark stuffed animal to cuddle with when you're not around to cuddle

he'll tease you a bit just like asmo and satan do

Diavolo

absolutely fascinated

when he saw you for the first time he was like :0

he asks so many questions

is so intrigued by you

gonna have a moment of confusion where he thinks all humans are like this

someone has to explain to this poor man that not all humans have shark features

Barbatos

cool 👍

his reaction is underwhelming mainly bc he already knew about the shark features

very fun tho cause he thinks it's nice

there's also a small chance he would end needing to use your teeth to cut open a package for him

Simeon

for some reason i can just see him having a super weird reaction to the shark features

"Another one of God's glorious creations 😍"

he's one of the ones that's most chill about it

there will be awkward dad jokes and they will all be about sharks

he's gonna bake cute little shark inspired things and give them to you

somehow makes a seafood cake and makes it work?

Luke

first reaction is fear

after a while though he is gonna have the standard childish reaction of "omg shark so cool :0"

y'all are gonna watch shark boy and lava girl together on repeat so be prepared

he's gonna watch a movie like free willy and be convinced that he needs to "return you to the ocean"

keep one eye open while you sleep because you never know when this child is gonna try to throw you into the ocean

Solomon

naturally curious about you having shark features

is gonna ask at some point to try to do magic on you because of the shark features

"babe wake up time to dissect you and see why you're part shark 😍"

if he founds out about luke's plan to return you to the ocean, he'll definitely help because he thinks it's funny

he tried to make you a seafood meal once as a home away from home type of thing

don't eat it.

-

Author's Note

Heyyyyy it's me again. I haven't posted anything in forever but here I am. I'm actually in my economics class rn and I'm supposed to be doing my review for my test but yk 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ decided to finish this. Anyway I'll be back to posting and stuff now so 😏😏 feel free to send requests and stuff cause I'm actually finally back. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this but sorry if it sucks cause I kinda just came back and occasionally wrote stuff on it for the a few months. Anyway I'm glad to finally be back and I missed you all so so much!

[absolutebl]

Hi!,

With respect to the Thai BL Industry,...I believe, everything and anything that an actor or even a maker does is scrutinised to a whole another level that it becomes extremely embarrassing for the BL fandom.

I can quote several examples at the cost of getting ridiculed,...but I don't care about toxic fans or their opinions, because it's just bullshit.

Time and again I've seen BL fans being critical of Krist (of "SOTUS"fame) for no reason. If being a celebrity means that you own them,...then that's a wrong perception to have. That man was asked by a rude fan if he's gay,...and he was repeatedly asked about his sexual orientation, which is none of anyone's fucking business. And when he reacted negatively,...everyone came down heavily on him,...calling him homophobic and cooking their own stories to shown in a bad light. His on-screen partner too was ridiculed for making some insensitive statement, because of which Krist had to come in front of the media and make a public apology. Fine,...what Singto said was totally unacceptable,..but I bet,...he is one of the most finest man in the industry, and deserved to be treated better for something he didn't do intentionally.

Then came poor Godt (Pha of "2 Moons" fame). I'm honestly not biased,...but I have huge respect and admiration for the whole cast of the first installment of 2 Moons franchise. But one of the lead pair, till date,...is criticised for being homophobic,...when in reality, none of the toxic fans know what exactly conspired between the actors and the production company. And with respect to the BTS that was released,...it's absolutely inane to imagine things when one knows nothing about it. Had Godt been homophobic,...he wouldn't have acted in a BL advertisement post the success of "2 Moons". BUT NO! When stupid fans start to hate someone,...the become blind, and insane at the same time.

Same shit happened with Mean,...when he reportedly gave an interview to a Thai tabloid. Now,...unless one can understand a language, or is a native-speaker of a certain language,...one shouldn't do the guess-work, and I bet,...Mean might have said nothing about wanting to work in the BL industry for money. I believe,...something might have lost in translation,...or, there is a 100% possibility of toxic fans purposely trying to twist his words to get him cancelled.

Then comes the whole fuckery that happened with respect to New's girlfriend, Bright's girlfriend, and Gulf's girlfriend. I mean,...do such fans that spread hatred, and lies, have no other business other than to poke their nose in other's bloody business? Why do these poor actors have to seek apology for something they have either not done, or perhaps done without any intention to hurt anyone? Why are toxic BL fans so much interested in the girlfriends of the Actors?

Mew is still trolled by toxic fans that call themselves the supporter of his now assumed ex. In fact,...the toxicity related to him launching his own business went to such an extent that he was criticised of plagiarism, leading which he had to hold a press-con to clarify things, which I believe is first of it's kind in BL history.

Joong Archen (Ming of "2 Moons" fame) replied to his IG story at the very beginning of his career, that he is a real man and not gay. Now,...that didn't go down well with me, but he apologised to his fans after getting reprimanded by the great "Motive Village". And that's now is a thing of the past,...and he's now a part of GMMTV universe.

And when Director. Aam Anusorn decided to make a series out of his own experience with "Motive Village",...I came across several comments online that called him a 'Drama Queen' who has an issue with everything that happens within the industry.

Recently,...one of Earth Pirapat's fan was trying to be rude or abusive to him on IG. Thankfully that guy gave back a befitting reply, and earned accolades. I wish all BL actors were like him and stop tolerating bullshit from fans.

And now with "KinnPorsche" being aired,...fandom has started to started to scrutinise every single move in the series, comparing it with the book,...and questioning the professionalism of the three excellent Directors involved in the making of the series.

As an Asian myself, I do know that "Respect" is a huge part of the Asian culture, to the extent that one is told to sacrifice his peace-of-mind, if it earns him a position in the good-books of the other. But this logic is not only ridiculous,...but in this day and age,...it's impossible to bake the cake, and eat it too. One cannot reach the echelons of success,...without burning a few bridges. And if it means doing away with toxicity,...so be it.

So,...my question to you is,...

Are BL fans slowly and gradually turning into toxic K-netizens that find mistakes in every move that a celebrity makes?

Why do you think a BL actor puts up with so much shit, despite the fact that many a times they haven't done anything even remotely wrong?

Are BL actors at the mercy of rich toxic fans that shower them with gifts, and cash if things go as per their way?

How far and how deep do you think the cancel culture has started to spread in the BL industry?

Thanks

xoxo

Arjuna

Some BL fans are sasaengs, and it’s a problem

I honestly don't really want to get into this because I try to be positive here on this blog and frankly, protect myself by not thinking about the terrible side of fandom, in general. I’ve done this since I was a child and first had a celebrity crush and then realized how dirty and objectified it made me feel for doing that to them. My stomach gets kinda queasy thinking about it. 

The proprietary ownership of celebrity is a grave social issue that speaks not just to the trauma it inflicts on the celebrity victims but the seriously damaged psyche and mental health of the perpetrators. And I use the words victim and perpetrator intentionally. 

If you are trolling celebrities, you are a predator who is culpable. Saying a celebrity “deserves it” because they became a celebrity is like saying a woman “deserved to be raped” because she wore a short skirt. Don’t buy into that patriarchal mentality, okay? This is victim blaming. 

However, the demographics do trouble me, A LOT, particularly around sasaeng behavior.

Which is what I would call these (so called) BL fans. Just another kind of sasaeng. 

Sasaeng fans are, IMHO, actually unhinged, unhealthy, and mentally corroded. But they are demographically different from the stalker/killer fans celebrities also get (mostly in other parts of the world) who usually (but not always) fit the same profile demos as serial killers and sexual predators. On a BASIC level the first tends to be female 13-23, the second male 33-63).

"Social identity is the portion of a person’s self-concept that is derived from their perceived membership in a relevant social group (e.g., political party, sports team, music group fandom) and is motivated by both a need to self-enhance and reduce feelings of uncertainty (Hogg, 2006, 2007, 2012)." ~ Jessica Tomory for The Inquisitive Mind (source)

I've been thinking about a white paper on this for a few years now, ever since I dipped my toe into Kpop and then RAN THE FUCK AWAY. But honestly? I don’t want them targeting and coming after me. 

Here have some preliminary online research sources:

Social identity theory

Sasaeng Fans

Celebrities murdered by their own fans

Are you “fan” enough? - the role of identity in media fandoms

Toxic fandom - threats to identity 

Why Are We So Attracted to Fame? (podcast: No Stupid Questions)

Screaming fans and overzealous stans (podcast: All In The Mind)

Now to, sort of, maybe not, answer your questions:

1. Are BL fans slowly and gradually turning into toxic K-netizens that find mistakes in every move that a celebrity makes?

Yes. 

2. Why do you think a BL actor puts up with so much shit, despite the fact that many a times they haven't done anything even remotely wrong? 

Social conditioning, management/studio pressure, morality and behavioral contract clauses, and the deep desire/need to be liked that is endemic to the type of personality that pursues celebrity status as a career path. 

3. Are BL actors at the mercy of rich toxic fans that shower them with gifts, and cash if things go as per their way?

Maybe? I think less so than some of the other pressures named above, though. 

So I have some, (pretty minor) celebrity friends, but they still get tribute and we talk about it. There is genuine gratitude for the fact that someone thought of them and likes them enough to gift them something, particularly if it is genuinely thoughtful and shows understanding of said celebrity’s taste. (More on this topic here.) 

However, if it’s too on the nose it comes with attached discomfort because that screams stalker. There’s also the off-putting proprietary nature of “I know you so well really this gift is about me and my knowledge of you.” 

Gifting culture is different in different parts of the world. So I am not confident on attached social obligations in places like Thailand.  

Also, very few celebrities understand the underlying psychology going on there with the fan. That these gifts tend to spring from a deep desire to be “remembered by the celebrity” which is often also the wellspring of sasaeng behaviors. 

And then that is connected to social bragging rights with other fans.

Do you see that? I gave him that! Look he talked about it. That means he talked about me. He’s remembering me. 

Do you see how sad he is because of a negative comment I made? Well at least he’s thinking about me. I was obviously right about him. Do you see how scared he is when I make those calls to his hotel room on his Live? That’s ME. I did that, I have power in our relationship. We have a relationship. 

You know what I’d do? (Given autonomy and no contract obligations, of course.) Just stop doing whatever I’m doing in that moment. Blame the sasangs, end the Live. Shut down comments. Leave the stage. 

Sadly, most of the time, celebrities simply can not do that, though. Or they’re too nice and don’t want the “good” fans to suffer. 

But look, this is a problem internal to fandom. So I’d sick the good fans onto the bad ones, by taking the toy away and explaining exactly why everyone is losing access. Deny them the attention they crave. 

I get that this is simplistic and not a solution, but I think the celebrity has the right to immediately protect themself, mentally and emotionally (as well as physically). 

(Honestly, I’m really intersted in seeing how GOT7 behaves going forward. especially Mark. They are major idols who now have the autonomy to actually express how they really feel when confronted with this kind of behavior.) 

4. How far and how deep do you think the cancel culture has started to spread in the BL industry? 

Too far. 

Cancel culture absolutely terrifies me on a deep psychological level. There are so many scales and specturms of nuance that outsiders (and fans are OUTSIDERS) do not have access to. It’s the opposite of realizing that we exist in a morally grey world. It’s a manifestation of puerile and underdeveloped minds incapable of comprehending complexity or practicing empathy. It’s the rotted maggot-ridden wound of a conflicted culture sliced open by selfish behavior. 

Oh dear, I’m getting poetical, I should stop now. 

Take Joon for example. He’s half Turkish. Have you any idea, if you didn’t grow up in such a household, how unbelievably toxic most Turkish masculinity is? I’m shocked he was allowed to do a BL at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s estranged from some of his family because of it. What if he HAD to say something like that to protect himself from his home environment? Or because he was raised that way? Should he have answered that question at all? Of course not. But he was what, 18 at the time? How many stupid choices did you make at 18? I’ll wait. You list them off. 

But let’s be honest here, HE SHOULD NEVER HAD BEEN ASKED THE QUESTION in the first place. 

HOW DARE any fan ask a celebrity about their sexual orientation or identity. HOW DARE THEY. 

*heavy breathing*

(and not in the good Cutie Pie kinda way) 

Look, I was raised to believe that if you spot a problem, you are responsible for the solution. But this is a big effing problem and I don’t have a solution.

Here’s the best I can come up with: 

What’s the worst thing I myself can do to these kinds of fans?

Ignore them. Block them. Unfollow them. 

I got into BL because I wanted to escape reality, not be sucked into the worst version of it. 

Which is why this is the one and only time I will be talking about this subject on this blog.

Sigh, more rants like this? 

On (so called) Chinese bromances & censorship.

On skinship. 

On queerbaiting. 

(source) 

[from-a-reckless-writer]

9 Supercorp

1 new message.

The notification reads. This is odd. Nobody ever sends Kara any messages on this account, for the sole reason that it doesn't have much followers.

It was Nia's idea initially. She's told Kara to buy herself a journal. She keeps one herself, where she writes all the dreams she doesn't know how to interpret yet.

"You should write down whatever it is and let it lie there for a while you know?"

Kara thought about it, had mulled it over and over in her head. A journal is indeed a great idea. An outlet of sorts. But the thing is, a journal is too private. If Kara wrote in a journal the only person who would ever read it would be herself.

Kara didn't want that. Kara hungered for an audience. She wanted to write and put it out there, out in the world where somebody will maybe one day read it and come to her--tell her, "Me, too. Me, too."

She wanted to write and be read by people.

And so, the journal idea became the Instagram poetry account idea.

A handful of original poetry posted in between aesthetic photos.

Nia and her sister are the only two people in her life who knows about it. That's why she is genuinely shocked when she reads the notification.

By the time, she's collected enough courage to open the app.

There have been more than 10 notifications. First, was the follow, next was a series of likes and then finally the message.

Kara clicked on the profile first.

It was a bookstagram account it turns out. There was only the username display, kieran. All in lowercase. No location, no bio, no nothing. The icon was of a single, black, loopy 'K' on white parchment.

The feed was of book covers, pages, spines and some quotes here and there.

The thing that Kara noticed about it though was how sad everything looked, once she's looked at it all in one grid.

It looks beautiful but melancholy.

She opens the message.

"I don't usually do this but...I just have to tell you that, your poetry has more of an impact than you will ever know. Thank you making me feel like I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing your words."

It was signed with a single heart and a 'k'.

And that's when it hits Kara.

Kara writes out a reply.

I'm out there.

I'm out there, in the world. And somebody is reading my words. They're reading what I wrote and it made them feel something.

"Thank you for taking the time to write those kind words to me. I hope you know you've made me want to write now more than ever. Thank you."

She added a heart at the end too. Kara didn't check her phone for the rest of the day.

They didn't reply it turns out. Kara tries not to feel too disappointed at that and tries to go on with her life.

Although, two weeks later after their first interaction, Kara posts two new poems, she discovers that kieran didn't stop reading.

Kara would usually get a like or a comment of a single heart then and again, and if she's lucky they'll comment a 'Beautiful.' underneath one of Kara's longer poems.

Kara collects all those crumbs and keeps it close to her heart.

******

"had a shity day ur peom made my night. thbk you."

Kara reads the message at 7 am, it was sent at 3:36 am. It isn't till she's halfway through, that her groggy mind realizes that they must've been drunk when they sent her this.

There's a twinge of worry in her chest, so she writes.

"I'm glad I made your night. And I don't want to overstep, but I think you were drunk when you sent this. I hope you're alright today. Drink lots of water! Thank you for the kind words."

She doesn't check her phone for the rest of the day.

Kara's knee-deep in Snapper's column assignment when her phone pings.

"Don't worry, you didn't overstep. I think you're the kindest person I've ever met."

Kara can't help the feeling of concern when she reads the message. Imagine thinking an Instagram poet who you've interacted with, two times in total, is the kindest person you've ever met. Never mind the fact that she's the Instagram poet.

Kara feels intrigued by this person.

Maybe it's because they're making her feel important. Maybe it's because Kara doesn't know who they are and the mystery appeals to her. Maybe it's because with them, Kara isn't anything. She's just a poet.

Maybe it's all of those or maybe it's none of those reasons at all.

Nevertheless, Kara sees her fingers fly across the keypad before she can even realize what she's doing.

"And you, IG user kieran, I think are the most interesting person I've ever met : )"

She puts her phone facedown on her desk.

Kara stands up from her station, walks around, pokes her head into Snapper's office, asks if he needs anything, gets yelled at, bothers Nia, walks around the entire bullpen, refills her tumbler, sits back down on her desk.

1 new message.

Kara lunges for her phone.

"Interesting huh?"

Just that. Just that and nothing else, yet it makes Kara feel like she's being observed, judged, weighed.

"Your feed is beautiful, your books. What I wouldn't give to get a peek in that beautiful mind of yours."

Kara exits the app, her thumb gliding through the screen so fast, it's a miracle it didn't break under the pressure.

She stands up from her desk and does a whole 'nother round.

1 new message

Kara takes a deep breath before opening the message. She doesn't even know why she's nervous.

"my mind is a lot of things, but i doubt beautiful is one of them."

What does she mean by that? Well, Kara guesses, everyone's brain is a mess right? She's pretty certain she's fucked up herself in more ways than she even knows.

So that's what she says.

"Everybody's a mess i think. Doesn't mean they're not beautiful."

Kara waits and waits and waits.

The reply doesn't come.

*******

Life goes on, her IG account gains more followers, her poems get stacked upon each other each week.

She always notices which ones kieran likes though.

They never message each other again.

******

And then, that one fateful day comes—Kara falls in love.

She meets Lena and Kara falls.

Hard.

Lena catches her and together they write what Kara thinks, is the most beautiful love story in existence.

Lena's her soul mate, her best friend, her one true love.

Her poems become lighter, happier.

She's so caught up with living in the real world with Lena, that sometimes she doesn't even have the time to write poems anymore.

Why would she? When she's living a brand new love poem each day she wakes up to Lena by her side.

One night, Kara is putting on her pajamas, and Lena is taking a picture of some book in their bed, her hair in a bun, big nerdy glasses perched on her nose.

Kara is in the middle of climbing into bed when Lena asks her, "Hey, have you ever read poetry and felt like it was speaking to you directly. As if the poet wrote it with you in mind??"

Quietly, Kara answers, "Yeah."

Immediately, Kara's head travels through all the snippets of conversations she's had with kieran.

All her IG posts, the one account, the one thing that Lena does not know about.

"Why?" Kara follows-up.

Lena's sat, leaning into the pillows, her phone in her hand.

"There's this- you know what? Why don't I just show you? You'll get what I mean, when you read it."

Lena shows Kara her phone screen and Kara freezes.

There on the screen, is her Instagram poetry account. @kz_elwrites.

Her entire collection of verse all lit up in Lena's phone.

"I-" Kara doesn't know what to say. And Lena notices, of course, she would.

Lena always notices. ,

"Kara?" She asks. "Is there something wrong?"

"I wrote that." Kara lets the words hang in between them.

She meets Lena's eyes, reads the shock there.

Kara grabs her phone from the nightstand and opens her IG app--shows it wordlessly to Lena.

Lena takes the phone gently from her hands, flicks up and down for a couple of minutes.

Kara feels like something important is going to happen. Everything feels to quiet. Lena is too quiet.

Lena hands Kara her phone back, still not speaking.

And then, Lena turns back to her phone, swipes a couple of times.

"Come here," Lena whispers. "Take a look."

Kara's eyes land on the screen.

kieran.

"You're-"

"I am."

prompt list here

[niskoo]

Memories kept in the pink hoodie

pairing: Ex! Heeseung x reader

genre: angst, fluff in the end ig, breakup! AU

warnings: swearing, uhhh they like break down together

word count: 2.2k words OMG

a/n: another one of my requests!! thank you all for the ideas its really helping!! mmm this one was very interesting to write because i usually write crack/fluff, aaannndd ive literally never done anything ive written IURHWIU thank you for the great idea anon <33 THIS HELPED SO MUCH OMG USUALLY MY ANGST SUCKS BUT IM PRETTY PROUD OF THIS AAAA ALSO IM SORRY IF THIS WASNT REALLY WHAT YOU WANTED IDK THERE ALWAYS HAS TO BE FLUFF IN MY IMAGINES IG 😓😭

feel free to request and help get rid of my writers block!!

a bit based off of 'try again' by jaehyun and d.ear

You should've known the consequences of dating an idol, you should've been careful. Of course they wouldn't let you be together, he's in one of the rising groups, heck, he was in one of the biggest companies.

It wasn't necessarily the company's fault you were so heartbroken, it's both your faults. You couldn't help but blame each other for how careless you were. You know better than to make things worse, and yet you did.

The evening you go back to his dorm after being confronted by the company, you two started a huge argument of who's fault it was. Either it was his fault for not taking caution during work, or your fault for always checking up on him. All loving actions in the past became reasons for why you should break up, thus cracking your relationship further.

When you went home that night, with your backpack full of your things, you did nothing. You didn't cry, you didn't rage, you simply thought that this was the end, you felt guilty that it had to end like this, instead of just working it out and breaking it off peacefully.

Your heart was left cracked and hurt for sure, but this time, you blame yourself. You shouldn't have met him, you shouldn't have got to know him, it's all your fault. And for the first time that night, you cry.

Your heart clenched at every thought of having to leave Heeseung, more tears falling at the fact that he's not gonna be a part of your life anymore. He's gone, and it's all your fault.

It's when you unpack your things when you realize you still have a bunch of things left at his place, you realize you never want to go back and face him.

You leave your stuff there for the next 2 days, your heart still unready to confront and be reminded of the fact that Heeseung is gone. Unfortunately, he has other plans.

Your phone lights up, and the last name you want to see is lighting the phone up.

'Hey... you left some of your stuff.'

You instantly turn your phone off, breaths picking up as you quickly look away from it and finish your lunch. You can feel the anxiety filling your body as you notice it light up once again, and it swarms in your chest even more when your mother winces at the next text.

You put down your spoon, quickly glancing at the text.

'If you want, you can come by and pick them up? I'll pack them for you...'

Your heart clenches yet once again, you know it's true, literally half your stuff is still there and you have to pick them up. You unlock your phone, quickly sending an 'okay' before completely shutting your phone down. You wouldn't stand a second more looking at his contact.

You decide to go at 11, because that's when the other members are at the company training. You don't know if Heeseung's gonna be there to give you your things, a part of you hopes he is, another hopes he's not there. But then again, who else would open the door for you?

You stand outside the familiar door nervously, picking on your nails and the lint on the hem of your cardigan. Just as you were about to knock, the door swung open, and instead of your ex boyfriend standing there it's the youngest of the group, his eyes wide and puffy lips parted.

As usual, he woke up late. You can't help but chuckle as he picks his shoes up and scurries down the stairs, bidding him a friendly goodbye.

You almost forget about Heeseung, but as you hear shuffling from inside, it all comes back.

You two share awkward glances, the tension slowly building itself back up. Instead of the heated, rage filled tension, this time the tension is guilty, and without each other knowing, yearning.

“T-this way,” Heeseung mutters tightly, eyes glued to the ground as he shuffled quickly to the living room. You follow along just a few seconds later, still processing the fact that this is the end. He could be gone out of your life after this, it’s your last chance to speak.

Your eyes slowly travel up when you stop, the beating of your heart quickening with the slight burning in your eyes. Lo and behold, there your things laid, ready for you to bring back home. You can’t help but notice how it’s packed completely how Heeseung would pack, neat and with care. It’s not too stuffed, it’s in the perfect place.

Biting at the dead skin of your lip, you trudge towards the duffle bag—his duffle bag—and kneel down to grab the handle. The moment you pick it up, you notice how the bag isn’t fully zipped, and a certain pink sleeve peaks out from the tiny space.

All too familiar, the pink sleeve was. It was the one he took from Daniel in I-land. He knew you loved it, for you loved the kid like your little brother. But, he can’t. It’s his, it’s his favorite, he can’t just give it to his ex.

You instantly place the bag down, the tears starting to well up in frustration and sadness. You zip open the bag and take the pink hoodie out, before shoving it into Heeseung’s chest, “Take it, Heeseung, Please don’t give it to me.”

It takes him a few moments, before Heeseung is shaking his head and handing it back to you. “No, it’s practically yours anyway. And you really like it right? It’s just a-“

“Don’t tell me it’s just a hoodie!”

You both are shocked at your sudden burst, frozen in your spot. Your breathing is heavy, like a weight is holding it down and slowing your breathing. There are tears keeping your cheek moist, warm, they stream down continuously, the sensation as if there was fire dripping from your eyes and burning your skin.

Heeseung’s just on the verge of crying himself, the grip on the pink hoodie deathly, he feels the material ripping against his skin. How did it come to this? When did it even happen? It all feels surreal, to think what you two had could fall apart.

All the happy moments in your relationship fading to memories, the hoodie representing the fact itself is true. None of you wanted to take it, afraid it would remind you of the other.

Deep down, you wanted to keep it, keep the memories it held, keep the tears that once soaked it when you vented all your stress to him, keep the scent of Heeseung that lingered on the fabric. You were just too afraid of being reminded that along with the happy memories, came the sad memories of the night you fought and broke it off.

Your grip on the poor hoodie eases, as you slide to the floor helplessly with tears messing your face up. You desperately wanted to hold the pink piece of clothing and keep it forever, and another part of you cursed at you for being too vulnerable.

Your hand quickly wipes away the tears on your cheeks and chin harshly, almost hitting yourself for being so sensitive. Before you could do the action again, a softer grasp is stopping your hand, Heeseung’s other hand reaching up to brush the tears away dearly, blowing your hair away from your face.

Before you could even bring yourself to stop, you’re already reacting to his touch, cowering into his hold and placing your hand over his on your cheek, almost intertwining them together.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper into his palm, your other hand reaching up to grasp at his t-shirt. You’re sorry for so many reasons, for not being careful, for all the things you said in the argument, for making a sudden commotion just because of a stupid hoodie. “I’m so sorry...”

“Shh, it’s alright, it’s alright.” Heeseung grabs you into his infamous embrace you would hate to leave, stroking your back with patterns just the way he knew you loved, just the way it would calm you down. “We’ll be alright.”

More tears fall between your eyelashes, dripping and soaking into Heeseung’s shoulder as he himself sniffles quietly into your hair. None of you want to leave each other behind, it’s the painful truth that you both can’t have, the truth you’ve always feared.

A sudden feeling of relief fills you up inside, his words reassure you in a way, we’ll be alright, you’ll be okay, it just had to leave his lips for you to believe it. You crawl closer to Heeseung, squeezing yourself in his bear hug, “We’ll be okay, we can make it right,”

A hoarse and hearty laugh leaves Heeseung, it shakes right by your ear as you press it against his chest, and he nods, “Yeah,”

He gently pulls your head back right in front of his, wiping the last of your tears and tucking the stray hairs back to the back of your ear, “Let’s just talk,” his whisper tickles your nose, causing you to lightly giggle at the feeling, his lips pressing softly against the pink tinted skin, “Make everything better?”

You nod, finally grasping at the pink hoodie and holding it tight to your chest as Heeseung laughs and bonks his forehead right on yours.

For the next few hours, you talk, make up, talk some more, maybe even a small cuddle, but that’s a secret. You make ramen for when the other members come back from practice, you feel happy to see the members thank you and eat with enthusiasm, you feel glad this is how your last moments together last.

Now you have the (practically ripped) pink hoodie in your arms as you bid the boys goodbye, slightly tearing up at the sight of them sadly waving, but you keep it in and continue your way back home, where you would tell your mom how you ended it on good terms.

And that night, you slip on the pink hoodie before you sleep, and you feel a piece of paper poking at your arm. You’re surprised to see a crumpled envelope poking out, your name written messily in blue ink.

You pull the envelope out quickly, opening it out with something bubbling in the pit of your stomach as you notice the handwriting as Heeseung’s.

‘My dear Y/n,

Hello there! I don’t know if i got the guts to make it right with you or if i pussied out and watched you as you drove away with regrets, but that’s what this letter is for. hopefully you didn’t throw this letter away hehe

i just wanted to thank you. for everything. your love, your care, your trust, Your happiness, thank you for everything you’ve given me. im sorry we had to end our journey, but know that you’ll be in my mind everyday. when we practice, I’ll remember your encouraging smile, when we win, I'll remember the fact that it’s you who gave me the courage to start this whole career.

i love you y/n. we’ll both probably find our other person in the future, but you’ll forever be in my heart as my first love, my first heartbreak, my best memory. thank you for helping me through my hardest times, thank you for helping the other boys through their worst times, especially jungwon, he’ll miss you the most.

i guess this is goodbye, y/n. not forever, of course, but for some time. thank you for everything, i hope you enjoyed the times we had together as much as i did.

with all the love in my heart,

Lee Heeseung :)’

You wipe at your tears for the nth time that day, folding the paper back into the envelope. “Fuck you Heeseung, you’ve ruined my makeup again!” You curse under your breath as you slip the letter into a certain box at the corner of your bedside table, patting your cheeks one last time.

You truly cherish the memories you had with Heeseung. You hope he does too.

[incurablyromanticsblog]

Don't know how people are gonna feel about this but Loki should've been dealt with the way they dealt with Lucifer (from the Netflix show) I mean while the show straight up dismissed loki's feelings, lucifer netflix really showed us the natural and organic character growth with ups and downs while still maintaining the comic hilarity (WHICH WASNT AT THE EXPENSE OF THE MC). It's love interest and side characters are all original characters dealt as independent characters rather as brownie or plot points.

And the scenes that prompted me to think this?

1. Lucifer asking his Mazikeen to cut off his wings because he's moved past being a pawn in his father's 'Great Plan'. We could've had loki come to this conclusion and tell Mobius (who would've been an actual all out ally who was forced into doin lg what he did) that he no longer wanted any place in a land that hated him. (Once again like Lucifer calling the silver city hell)

2. Lucifer actually being the way he's supposed to be (angel of light, light bringer etc.) We could've had Loki act like the way he Actually Is. Not like how @iamnmbr3 so eloquently put it 'like larry the dumb lookalike'. We could've had Loki being stern yet having that air of sarcasm and wit that he had in his the films. His eloquence, his physical prowess (none of the falling flat on his face stuff, a lot of people talk about how he was trying not to hurt the people in ep 2 but srsly Loki would just immediately disarm them), and most of all his agency and refusal to cower or the pathetic attempts at lying.

3. Costumes. The lucifer netflix team had an extensive costume department that ironically pales in comparison to what disney is capable of but still we see Lucifer have a wide array of clothes and styles. Have Loki take the first chance to change his clothes. If he wants the 50s aesthetic have at it! he can wear the tuxedos and the nice leather. Or maybe change into some nice Viking-inspired leathers and battle armor. Have him as a pirate, or a knight or a cowboy. You're traveling through time good man! you can at least hit some of the cool spots.

4. In depth analysis of lucifer's mental health. the only episode of the Loki tv show I liked (loose term) is the first one cause it's the only one that gave a fraction of what we were promised: an insight into loki. That's it.

5. Lucifer's organic growth. This is self-explanatory. Loki watched one video and was good. Very good five stars. I understand that they only had six episodes but come-on. You could've had the subtle changes through out all the eps and lead to the big finish finally. With each episode focusing on certain aspects of Loki.

5. Lucifer's exploration of self-loathing. This deserves to be a separate point because Istg it was done so well. Basically lucifer messes up and he's faced with the hatred that's been conditioned into him (not unlike Loki) and then he learns what it is and actually tries to love himself. And not by kissing a female variant of himself (ew and also respect the gender fluid persons). He actually saw the good in him by reflecting and his actual good friends helping him.

6. Lucifer actually wanting to be good. Look Idc what shut mike waldron wrote, loki is not selfish when his whole arc has been doing things for asgard, thor, odin, frigga etc. We all know that New York was mind control, I do not know why it's being swept under the rug. But here's the thing, that self loathing I mentioned earlier is a huge part of Loki thinking he's some monster and intent on proving it.

7. Lucifer facing his 'devil-face'. Loki should've come to terms with his Jotun heritage. The TVA could've had a case in Jotunheim concerning the Royal Family and Loki could've seen the entirety of Jotunheim and it's people not just that most-likely war propaganda the Asgardians force-fed him. Maybe have him meet his siblings or better yet his mother. There's a very nice fic on A03 called Asgardian Galdr that deals with this beautifully.

8. Luicfer having a Breakdown and Crying: First off this happens gradually, his problems pile up etc etc. and he faces off his father and gets angry until he finally breaks down. And basically God says, "I'm sorry but i can't fix you," And Lucifer in all his grief and desperation asks, "But you're God,'. I know we talk a lot about Loki being made weak in the Show but that's specifically about him being made weak and helpless to make Sylvie seem like a stronger character (Don't get me started on the Sif and Narcissm scene istfg), But maybe seeing Loki try awkwardly to be good and near the finish of the show we see it blow up in some angsty way? only for some conversation like this to happen and have Loki understand that being good is something that is innate and something he already had the potential for all along. Maybe learn that he's not lawful good but as always the morally grey character we know him as. (Protector of misfits, god of outcasts i.e all the shit Marvel shat on) and rise as the God of Chaos and Stories against the rigid bonds of The TVA and essentially Kang.

9. Lucifer having a nice healthy romantic interest and relationship. Lucifer and Chloe's relationship is more often than not the main point of the show but no matter how much it is focused on it remains health, organic and not a weird allegory for something disgusting. Even if Sylvie weren't a Loki (once again ew) the whole dynamic was toxic. She constantly put him down, and invalidated his feelings (Sounds like Odin huh?) and guess what Loki fell in love with her after one day, one conversation of what love was and Mobius calling her his girlfriend (he also said that it was freakish and i agree). We could've had Sigyn sweet lord. (I'll make another post about this)

10. Lucifer's Sexuality. There is a whole episode in which Loki's paramours are getting murdered and they all vary from men to women to all that comes in between. And there's no shame, no offensive jokes. Have Loki flirt with dudes, i understand ms.karen that this is for children, don't worry the casual sex ;) was offscreen. Have Loki turn into a woman and flirt with woman cowards, maybe make some questionable remarks about horses (That make Sigyn laugh)

11. Lucifer's Powers: lemme sum up, Lucifer can, let's call it, use compulsion on people. He is known for his strength and prowess and abilites to grant favors. Have Loki shapeshift into animals, absolutely mauling people. Have him use his silver-tongue to coax people into making or changing history (Yes Brutus, Caesar is getting to be a bit much, say have you heard how sharp knives are?)

I'm pretty sure there's more that i can't remember rn. And here is one thing i would like to make very clear.

You are not bad for liking the show or hating it whatever. The problem is that the show framed a lot of bad things as good (Anything the TVA did, Mobius' torture session with Loki, the way Sylvie treated Loki only for them to become romantic partners, the Sylkie fiasco as it was offensive to genderfluid people and the bare fucking minimum of LGBTQ and POC rep). The show was also marketed specifically to make us think hey! Loki might actually be the main character only for it to blow up in our faces. We were also promised an actual plot rather than a constantly plot twisting concept that could've been worth something.

Also i'm still working on a Loki fic rn after which i will write a Loki(TV) Rewrite but unitil then ig.

[ufonaut]

you may have already answered this kind of question so i apologize if you have, but i’m wondering what you think a majority of comic fans miss with understanding subtext and characters? like outside of what you’ve already spoken about (personal headcanons and feelings) is it just that a lot of fans don’t have the media literacy they think they do? or just newer fans that have only read the most popular series. i only ask bc sometimes i worry i don’t know if i’m reading between the lines correctly and if you’d share like.. ig your process for drawing conclusions ab characters? i feel like i may have answered my own question here LOL

ah, no, i've never spoken about this at length and i'm honestly flattered you reached out, thank you! i don't have a process per se, i think my interest in engaging with comics the way i do comes from doing film studies at uni and seeing the two mediums as having more common ground than with literature per se due to the visual doing the heavy lifting but i do sincerely believe that anyone can read the text as it's meant to be understood if they only apply themselves -- and the fact of the matter is that many people don't.

i'd say you got it in one, it's a case of both overestimating and underestimating their media literacy and i think a lot of the time particularly fandom-y blogs see things that simply aren't there and try to write meta that serves their purposes rather than shed some light on the text they're talking about. the way i see it, there's three fundamental questions to ask yourself before getting started on any comics analysis worth its salt

1) what's the objective reality of this?

2) is this a common trope/phrase? is it evocative of or a homage to a certain piece of media that has entered the basic pop culture lexicon?

3) how much of the author spilled into this?

and to elaborate on that:

1) before you get to the subtext, it's only natural to build up on a foundation of facts. i mean, the really basic stuff -- who, what, when, why.

for example, looking at my recent posts regarding hal jordan's timeline, take his stories in the flash (1959) backups running throughout #220 - 246. he's coming off a year-long road trip with ollie queen and he's been unemployed the entire time, he's not only broke but living in poverty, he's depressed. none of this is a great feat of analysis, these are all facts verbally stated by the character with the sole exception of the last one -- but how do we know that? several stories have hal's will faltering, several others see him having difficulties scrounging up enough money for food let alone a roof over his head. logic dictates that his circumstances affect his mental health.

sometimes it really is purely about recognising what's right in front of you and putting it in context, you can't talk about these backups without talking about what preceded them (the hard travelling heroes era) because they do not exist in a vacuum. unless you're talking about an elseworlds/one-shot/limited series/complete run from start to finish it's absolutely impossible to properly engage without context, that's also where the common misconception that comic book timelines are confusing comes from.

2) i don't expect people to just be naturally born with this knowledge but i think it's pretty easy to get a sense of what's a reference (even if it's not one you recognise) and what's not and making an effort to research that, even if it's just a quick google search. this is a common complaint i've seen in attempted meta of tom king's work on here so let me bring up some examples from his recent mature books

(the human target 2021 #3)

"booster is booster is booster" isn't merely repetition for the sake of repetition but very obviously a play on the common "a rose is a rose is a rose" phrase, which has been used in all media for decades now and yet was brought up in at least five different posts on here as an example of 'bad writing' (regarding the literal structure of it) rather than just owning up to their lack of knowledge.

and this also applies to shot-for-shot recreations such as mr terrific's scene with alanna strange's dad

and how it's an acknowledged reference/homage to sidney poitier in in the heat of the night (1967)

and all that says about the role mr terrific plays within strange adventures' narrative. again, this is knowledge better researched if not immediately recognised and you'll often find it mentioned in issue reviews if necessary.

3) as we all know, comics are a collaborative effort like nearly no other piece of art. the finished product is not only the work of the writer, artist, inker, colorist & letterer (all of which play vital roles in the process) but that of the editor as well and this is another instance where 'doesn't take place in a vacuum' applies. i'm all for death of the author but the direction a character is heading is definitely informed by the entire creative team's experiences and expectations, i think it's worth investigating what the people in question have had to say about it -- especially regarding an older comic -- after you've formed your own opinions.

there's cases where the writers make conscious decisions to disguise their opinions or where they're coming from and their success varies (take chuck dixon's work on connor hawke vs gerard jones' horrific depiction of arisia rrab) but there's also comics that are infinitely made better because the writer in question relates deeply to the characters they're writing (look at tom king's very personal depictions of mental health or keith giffen's insistence on giving an air of genuine reality to any working class character), that's even setting aside cases of gay characters being written by straight writers and so on. here, i'd sincerely recommend drawing a line between what's just another job for somebody and what's mattered to them intensely and if you want to take your engagement this far then it's definitely vital to check interviews, comic magazines, etc etc.

so yeah, here's a little look into my line of thinking! i hope it helps some and i'm sure you're doing just great if you're concerned about this to begin with :)

[gra-sonas]

Hi! I’m not sure if you know or not and I’m a fairly newish fan so I don’t really know what went down. I know that something happened with Ca*ina and thats why she isn’t a part of the show, even though according to her it was ’her choice’. but I noticed both Jeanine and Nathan don’t follow her anymore, they are the only two of the cast I believe that don’t, I was wondering if you knew the story behind her departure. just curious as it seems like Ca*ina doesn’t seem like such a great person to work for/with. Thanks for reading!!! 💖

Eeeek, sorry for the super late reply, nonnie, rl happened. 🙈

Obviously, we don't have 100% verified knowledge, but the same day she announced that she'd be leaving the show, Hollywood Reporter posted an article and revealed some details. They paint a pretty good picture of what probably went down behind the scenes, and since HR's one of the more reputable industry websites, it's reasonable to assume that they wouldn't publish all these details without verifying them with someone who had insider knowledge.

The article mentions one "public" incident in particular that happened roughly 2 weeks before her announcement. S1 of RNM had just started airing in the UK, and when episode 2 aired, UK fans noticed that some moments from the Malex scene in the Airstream were cut from the episode.

Instead of looking into the possible reason (i.e. RNM airing in a very early pre-watershed timeslot that made it necessary to cut "too steamy" content, only it weren't just moments from the Malex scene that were cut, they also cut stuff from Max and Jenna making out - certainly the more "steamy" scene of the two of them...), CAM decided to rant on Twitter about it, falsely claiming that ITV had cut only Malex scenes, but none of the Max/Jenna scenes (effectively accusing ITV of homophobia - which, not a good thing to do to a business partner, especially when it's not true).

That seems to have been one major thing that may have been the "final nail" to the coffin. There were other things mentioned in the article, like the fact that apparently, she kept rewriting other writers' episodes, that she didn't get along with Jeanine, and so on.

CAM later denied that she didn't get along with Jeanine, but during that time Nathan - a long-time friend of CAM way before RNM - unfollowed her on social media, and Jeanine did, too. But that's all we know.

It's quite interesting, how Jeanine's been talking about Chris once he'd taken over tho, always gushing about how amazing it is to work and collaborate (!!!) with him, and praising him wherever she had the chance...

MAKE OF THAT WHAT YOU WANT 😏

Anyhoodle, all in all, it seems like CAM was a helicopter showrunner, insisting on micro-managing every aspect of the show (she once said that she even decides what kind of underwear actors have to wear underneath their costumes - even when the underwear's never revealed on screen. Mhmmkay??? 👀), while simultaneously being completely overwhelmed with the responsibilities of running a show.

There were also claims that she spent too much time in New Mexico [to hang out with the actors *cough*] instead of being in the writers room in Los Angeles (she left that to Chris, her co-showrunner).

On social media, she mentioned more than once, that she went to cry in her car in the parking lot several times, another indication that she struggled to handle the pressure. The HR article mentions, she "fostered a working environment that was rife with tension", and although we don't have confirmed knowledge of this being true, from everything we've seen on social media or heard from actors in interviews, it seems like a reliable claim.

As recent as 2/25/2022, CAM posted this during an IG Q&A

"Woe is me, if only I hadn't taken all the $$$ then I could 💩 on the show I created" 🙃

Whatever, personally I'm just glad that she's gone, and I know for certain that I'll never ever touch another project she's involved in.