#there are plenty of words to use that dont make us feel bad for existing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mihai-florescu · 1 year ago

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i think i feel pretty similar to you in that the world is terrible, depressing, it sucks. that’s it’s natural state and we will always return there. but i thank that even though it hurts there are ideals unhampered by reality, stories we can create where that cycle ends for a moment in a happier direction. it isnt our job or duty as there isnt any grand purpose like that, but there is an opportunity out there to create a story with our lives. whether it’s a well known story or lost by the wayside, those who acknowledge the layer beneath the cheery “reality” that is peddled can be writers of their own. i might be delusional and there really is no hope but i hope to create stories for people to enjoy that elusive dream in if only for a temporary respite and cant give up until i well and truly fail. i don’t know if any of my thoughts speak to you in any meaningful way, but i felt compelled to share as while i think we share beliefs we seem to have come to rather different conclusions. i want to give my life to a story, an art, that will hold ideals the real world can never truly embody and thus cannot really give up as every taste of the real reality only strengthens my resolve. is there something like that for you? i’ve read your blog for a while and in my mind (which is an inexperienced mind so I apologize for sharing its fallible perceptions) you seemed like a fascinating person who holds ideals the world refuses to embody and is slowly sinking under that weight. i know it’s not really my place, so i apologize for my audacity, but i believe that you are the sort of person who can create a true happiness for yourself eventually. well, i mean i kind of have to if i believe that for myself. i have more to say, but it seems this is become a ridiculously long message. i apologize, my words likely have crossed between ideas and lost sense at times. i hope they help, or at least don’t harm. i hope you find loveliness loveliness in your day as you deserve it.

I've been journaling about this yesterday... my entire outlook on life i guess? I know i used to be creative and make projects that i found fun, but i cant find this drive in me anymore, i'm more than ready to give up (if only upset at the way it ended so im pressuring myself to make a good Last Project, but nothing is good anymore. It's all so...plain. useless. banal. there's no wit or multilayer to anything i can come up with anymore. I cant develop an idea anymore. There are enough stories, enough artworks, plenty of them bad, theres no need for me to add to it). Im sure it's just burnout stacked on top of depression and general worsening misanthropy and paranoia, but i don't think i will ever feel more hopeful again.

However i do think art, literature, games, even just stories from other people are keeping me grounded. They're also humanity's only redeeming quality - imagination will save our souls... but my position isn't to be an artist anymore, i cant spare the energy and i dont see a point in it either. I cant do a single basic living thing anymore that others seem to be able to do? I very much feel like an npc trying to do my most necessary tasks as best i can, failing more often than not. I hate getting asked what i'll do on a day off (it used to be often at my internship. I dont even want to imagine what they thought about me, that's another can of worms that still haunts me and contributed to why i became like this). The answer is quite literally Pretend I Dont Exist. I will not do anything. I cant do anything. I stop existing the second you stop seeing me, im just in bed dreading the next time i have to be human. I think when other people say they didnt do anything it's a hyperbole, but i can go weeks, and i have gone months even, without leaving the house, if i wasnt expected to.

Part of me wants to think, hope, i could maybe even get interested in making things again if there was no expectation for me to be a person for a few years, completely disappear off the grid (the expectation to be a person that just doesnt come natural to me anymore... and a specific one at that - achieving goals and moving forward, working, with ambitions or any sort of drive, young and energetic, an only child with a good education earning a living... i despise the idea of making money. I despise consumerism too. I want to fund artists, family owned restaurants, bookshops, cafes, and i do, i spend so much money without realising, but i'm really worried i'll run out and not be able to make any to survive once im older and wont get funds from my parents anymore. So i try to save and fail... My family friends, same age or even younger, are buying their own cars and apartments, successfully working multiple well paying jobs at the same time, with plans for the future...? Id like to know both how and why. How do you have the energy and why do you care. But even if they tell me the answers it doesnt change how i feel in my own life)

But this also has skewed my perception of other people... it connects to how i dont actually understand friendships anymore, im sure i mentioned it recently. Like with being an artist, there was a time i did understand and had deep friendships, i think, but it's quite alien to me now? In the way im not real until i have to interact with someone else, and even then, debatable, theyre not real to me either. Like i know this isnt a good mindset to have but it's either everything is real and i genuinely believe we need to disappear, to put an end to this sad species soon, or nothing is real and everyone's just playing a role in a story i get to watch. In a way taking away people's humanity and making them characters in my head is out of kindness, im being delusionally optimistic and quite frankly parasocial even with "friends", but it keeps me floating, stable. Ish. Still kind of empty but entertained enough. But then actually having a conversation outside my head with them is scary, unpredictable... on good days that can be fun too. My roommate always says i end up on side quests a lot if i leave the house, i think im just open to witnessing new stories... just on good, no, great days though, i cant stress that part enough. Great days are getting rarer and rarer. Most days pass by while im in bed and in my head trying to process anything, where i can barely have a coherent thought, and i wait for the day to end. Today was good for example but i still didnt manage to do anything to earn me the title of person, yet it was good because i 1. Ate, and 2. Didnt cry.

The part of your ask that hit me the most was when you said i seemed like a fascinating person, past tense. Im sure i was, but nowadays im very little even a person. Cant be helped. I hope i managed to explain how and why. If you ever want to share your art, my dms are open, i can maybe tell you about my gallery of failure wips i cant stand to look at anymore. I saw the followup ask with your personal info but im not quite sure what else to say... even this ask took too long to answer and now i need a nappp

#ask #anon #long post

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northwest-cryptid · 1 year ago

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Jumping off the anon from earlier: I don't think anyone likes the new world set and I've seen plenty or people call out the devs for it so your def not alone there. Also I thought the Ala mhigan gown was African American patterns, since that is what they take inspo from?

Also as a certified zenos simp he calls even himself savage and while I sympathize with you having it used against you I dont think its as deep as you're making it out to be, zenos is a villain of course he's going to say rude shit to the wol

Anyway I dont go here and I don't doubt you'd block me for this if I wasn't on anon and I don't feel like being attacked for an opinion. So ✌️

A. The fact "no one likes the New World Set" isn't good either, the thing I dislike about it is the headdress specifically. As I said the actual outfit itself feels very "Party City Native" but it's the headdress that's actually offensive. Everything else about it is fine, at least more or less.

B. "He's bad so he's gonna do bad things it's not that big of a deal" I'm gonna say it again, SAVAGE IS A SLUR THAT HAS BEEN USED AGAINST MY PEOPLE FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS, DENIAL OF IT BEING A SLUR DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS OF A SLUR. This is exactly what I'm talking about when I say people don't listen to Natives. I don't care if he's a bad person doing bad things you're REALLY missing the point, he's not real, someone at Square wrote that shit into the game thinking it's okay to use a slur and you are living proof that people do not care, congratulations you are part of the problem. Again people wouldn't be saying this shit "isn't that deep" if he used a different slur, you just don't think Native problems are worth worrying about unless they're cookie cutter shit like the New World Set which you still miss the point about.

C. You thinking the Ala Mhigan gown was African is exactly what I'm talking about, Natives aren't given any recognition when our culture is being stolen and profited from. I literally told you I'm Deer Clan Lakota and those very same patterns are on clothing passed down from my father's grandfather to him, and from him to me; patterns on clothes made by our people.

D. The entire ending of your message shows you don't know me but assume your opinion would upset me enough to block you rather than correct your misunderstandings, what do you take me for; some kind of savage? (See I can make that joke.) Ask yourself why you think I'd block you and ask yourself why you would be "attacked" for your opinion.

I genuinely do mean people like you when I say I wish people would listen to Native voices. A lot of people don't actually know squat about us, our culture, or our problems. Since you were so confident in making an assumption about me, allow me to do the same; you would not say these things about other minorities. Because you feel safe telling a Native that slurs that have been used against us aren't that deep, but you sure as hell wouldn't tell a Black person that the N word isn't a big deal, and before anyone says "well you can say one of them and not the other!" Yes I can, savage is our word, the N word is not. If I were Black it'd be the other way around for me.

People do not want to accept what we as Natives have to say unless we specifically say what you want to hear. This is specifically a big reason why most people don't know about our history, our culture, and our problems; it's not that we're not sharing them, it's not that we're not trying; it's that most people don't care enough about Natives and would rather get up in arms about FFXIV.

Do you realize how little I care about FFXIV?! There are Natives being raped, and murdered every day. The government has told us that if we cannot keep the blood of our people pure enough for them to consider us Native we won't be able to inherit our land and the American government will just take what little we have left because Native American people will no longer legally exist, our options are inbreeding or choosing to give up our very existence and we don't want to take either opinion.

And you want to argue with me about whether or not a slur is a slur because you're horny about a fictional video game character who says a slur.

I don't even have to say "people aren't listening to Natives when we try to tell you something is bad" because not only do people STILL think this is about FFXIV but people are willing to tell me it's "not as deep as you think it is" yeah alright cool thanks, let's not pay attention to the fact that it took until the 70s for Natives to be able to practice our culture and religion off the res, and even then where my father grew up, if a Native was off the res past 8 pm they would be violently beaten by cops. On my father's res the young men were taught how to survive in the white man's world of business while our young women were taught how to please the white men and not make them angry so they wouldn't be murdered or worse. Our culture was literally taught out of the youth because we are being forced to conform or die.

Let's ignore the decades of hate crimes committed upon my family alone, let's ignore every time I've heard the word savage while being beaten, mocked, and harassed. Classmates would try to hold me down and cut off my braid because they heard it would dishonor me. Classmates would grab me in the hallways and beat me, if I defended myself at all I'd put up with the parents of these kids screaming about how "this savage hurt my son" and when I'd explain I was just trying to get to class and was jumped by 3 kids with sharp objects even the principle would say I shouldn't have used force only to remark how he realizes "my people often don't handle conflict with words" so sure yeah, you can deny racism all you want.

Because it doesn't hurt you, and it's easier to look away and pretend this is all about some MMO than some actual real world problem that I was literally just saying the MMO exemplifies in its use of our culture and the use of a slur, and sure you can continue to defend it, to be mad about the wrong things because listening to Natives is hard.

But hey maybe it's just not as deep as I think it is, right? Perhaps all the racism and rape and murder and erasure of a whole people isn't that deep, because after all "savage" is just a word.

Look you're going to need to excuse me here, because yes I am upset; you have no idea what it's like to never be listened to when you try to explain racism and the problems your people are facing. Only for it to get some traction and then every inbox message I get completely misses the point, okay fair I'll explain things, no one has been offensively misguided until now; but to get this in my inbox first thing in the morning is like waking up to someone saying "no one cares about Native shit, shut up it's not that deep" and then ending it with the most passive aggressive "you're just gonna block me anyways and I don't want to be attacked for my opinion so ✌️" that tells me your not listening, you don't care to listen, you didn't want to learn you just want me to shut up.

This whole answer isn't for the Anon who sent me this message. This answer is for you, the individual who's actually taking the time to read it, because I do appreciate that you're actually reading what I have to say, even if it's easier to say it's not that deep; even if it's easier to look the other way and pretend we don't exist. I say these things in hopes my message reaches you and that you are aware of the kind of shit we deal with. I want for a world where the needs, concerns, and racism against my people receive the same coverage and care that other minorities get. We're being ignored, we're being intentionally forgotten, swept under the rug by anons like this who can't accept that our problems are real.

Do not be that person. Be better.

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empyreasheart · 2 years ago

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I RETURN WITH MORE QUESTIONS. and one topic on my mind. xion xion xion xion xion xion XION shes so interesting and your hcs are always so good do you have any about her or the sea salt trio in general. i miss them so much (also i know you have work to do sorry if this is a distraction from it!! feel free to leave this ask for later)

IM FREEE WHICH MEANSSS I CAN TALK ABOUT MY DEAR DEAR XION!!!! no joke i have been thinking about her all day.

first off i LOVEEE xion so much. whenever i see her get attention and love im so happy. when i see her i have a habit of going "XIONNNN" super loudly.

im putting this under a read more cuz its gotten super long oops

my xion headcanons... well first of all i love every reading of her character as a trans allegory & how people intepret her as either trans or nonbinary! i dont think it was done on purpose but shes been claimed by the commjnity and im so happy about it. transfem xion my beloved. second of all shes autistic TO ME but honestly everyone in soras heart hotel is so thats a given. third of all give me xion with big dark brown eyes or give me death!

what id like to see explored in future games / i fanwork: her identity! we see roxas's frustration and anger about being his own person plenty but we hardly see xion upset at her predicament. i think this is because she wants to do the right thing, not because shes okay with the situation. i really want to see xion's feelings about not having her own identity explored, given that everything about her is based on either sora or his memories of kairi and she was basically created in a lab as a tool for organization 13. she should feel weird about existing in the first place, especially next to roxas and naminé, who dont have the same history behind their creation

in addendum to that, i want to see xions character design change to something more unique. she already has a new outfit, but id love to see her have a new hairstyle (whether she grows it out or just puts it up) so she has something different than a mirror of kh1 kairi's hair. i think ive also mentioned that i think itd be interesting if xion had her own eye color after kh3 (side note its bullshit we never got to see her norted eyes in kh3. she shouldve played a bigger role in the story too but thats another rant) to symbolize that shes her own person now, not a puppet meant to copy sora. lastly she !!! deserves !!! her own keyblade!!! there's so many cool keyblades from days to choose from & theres the weapons from her boss fight - theres no reason for her to still be using the kingdom key and i really hope she gets her own soon.

i keep thinking about what you said about xion not being another "nice" girl character and im like... so true. i dont think xion would be mean i want to go about it in a way that doesnt completely rewrite her character but i think exploring how she copes with her past w/ both organizations & her identity & trauma would be interesting, especially with how it parallels to naminé's own way of coping and dealing with her own trauma. theyre like Shy vs introverted to me lmfao i think xion tries to be friendly but overall she prefers to stay close to the people she feels safe around. i want to see xion be rude but in the autism way where she doesnt mean it shes just not aware. and stuff like that i guess. this paragraph was just word vomit my bad

THE SEA SALT TRIO... theyre seriously the family of all time i love them so much. ill just focus on xion here because this is already super long. BUT AXEL LOVES XION SO MUCH IT MAKES ME SICK THEYRE NOT TALKED ABOUT ENOUGH.. the implication that lea subconsciously keeps his coat on in kh3 so xion (and roxas) can recognize him makes me so emotional. also the fact that lea just clicks with kairi because she also holds a part of xion inside her... AND WHEN HE BUYS HER AN ICE CREAM AND HE DOESNT EVEN REMEMBER WHY HES BUYING THREE. UGH. i love them so much. theyre definitely one of those duos found in the trios that dont get much attention which just draws me towards them more (like riku and kairi). i think lea is absolutely riddled with guilt about the events of days so he never lets xion forget that shes loved. i think xion is touch-averse *except* when it comes to roxas and lea because she feels safest around them.❤️

to end i will discuss roxas and xion . they are like a little orange cat and a little black cat to me. halloween colored. theyre so small i love them so much. i imagine when xion first meets the twilight town gang shes jealous bc roxas has other friends :( but roxas assures her shes super duper special to him and no one else can take her place in his life. they have such a unique bond that i dont know if any of the other characters have with each other. just something so special about those two. when it feels like no one else understands they have each other... and i think that makes for some angst when xion struggles with her own issues that even roxas cant relate to

#ask #THANK U FOR THIS IM SO GLAD TO INFODUMP . I TYPED SO MUCH IM SORRU I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS

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kallunavulgaris · 1 year ago

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just some thoughts as of late of criticizing vs. asking and how Christianity is especially relevant to this split. religion should be a topic people are apt to ask the most questions and make the least amount of assumptions but i think we're eager to feed into our mental limitations and really even encouraged to do so

i notice a lot of dismissive sweeping statements being applied to religion as a whole but we all know Christianity is the "fair game" one for little jabs or sexy nun fetishes or themed horror movies or media disrespect. it's not really playing the victim imo as a Christian in the US i dont feel persecuted or discouraged from practicing (like plenty of Christians are globally) but noticing an obvious thing that happens... it's popular to confront one's personal feelings toward Christianity as a vendetta instead of an inquiry. i understand this to an extent since we don't always have the best representatives (lol), but humans are flawed and God's word is not

but something else i see a lot and have paid much mind to is biblical principles being taken out of context. to me it's so clear that scripture that predates our society and has outlived many others is obviously given to us to be applied? i see people taking issue with Romans mention of "all sin" and running with the unrighteous vs righteous categorization to think that means equal and therefore pedophilia is as bad as drinking or something lol. the bible doesn't conflate sin and the bigger point is that we are to govern the *world* and do so accordingly, we can do this alongside God's word... He calls for government explicitly, which makes other sweeping statements like "only God can judge me" annoying lmao.

i also don't understand picking one principle given to us and forming a counter argument to a specific verse or book. biblical teachings are designed to be found throughout the *entire* book. compilations of "the most disturbing bible verses" are useless when the entire point of being given a *book!!!* is to... read the book. there's context and translation and themes and many factors to account for. that doesn't mean you can't disagree ofc but it's so strange to me how often the reason for that is just made up and assumed. you *cannot* fill in for the aspects of the bible you don't fully comprehend with 100% certainty. no one should ever do this, not even a priest. we are humans with limited capacity for thought and understanding, and thousands of years of debate exist for a reason.

also, not every verse is a teaching and not every teaching is a commandment. it's also no one's place to tell another person that they're not religious. the whole point is we all live in sin, i do think plenty of people are "band-aid" Christians, in that they take solace in a label more than a lifestyle... but it's not up to me or anyone else to tell them if they truly believe or not

#rant #religion #my thoughts #God

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thedivinetarot-2 · 2 years ago

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hello!! supporting ur matchup event. 💕 tysm for taking the time to do this- i love ur work hon!! ❤️

Outside Look: I am female (biologically as well). I am 5’4, brownish-blonde hair. I have blue eyes, pale skin, freckles on my face and dotted on my body. I am decently curvy- smaller chest but massive thighs lol.

Personality Traits: For the positives, I am generally very motherly. I dote on all of my friends and usually take the role of mediator. I am very creative and artsy- and love telling and recieving jokes. I’m always up for a good laugh!! As for my negative traits, I can be a bit sensitive. Not overly, but a bit. I am very emotional, and need reassurance sometimes. Once again I’m not a case but I def need it. I will eat massive amounts of food which is not at all good for anyone credit card. I zone out a lot and have the coordination of a brick. 😍🙌

Likes: BANANA BREAD 🙌, picnics, naps, just chilling, history and reading, and rain/snow 🩵

Dislikes: Large insects, hot weather, humidity, anything having to do with Joanns Fabrics. Idk why i hate that store so much

MBTI: INFP-T

Zodiac Sign: Pisces :)🩵

Love Language: Quality Time + Physical Touch (giving), Words of Affirmation + Physical Touch (recieving)

Aesthetic: I dont have a specfic one, but anything to do with messy beauty and/or plants. 100% plant mom.

oo i forgot but nsfw and sfw head canons please!! i am 19. :)🩷

i hope this is plenty of info, good luck going through any of it, and thank you!!! have a wonderful day ❤️❤️

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Hello @aeripq ❤ I hope you're doing good.

I appreciate your support and kindness btw. Thank you for being patient.

I match you with......

Leonardo

Pre-relationship (SFW)

Well, in the beginning Leonardo acted like a tease towards you like in everything but not in a bad way. Whenever you see him around he would joke and try to light up the mood because he loves doing that.

He also was light-hearted when you took his jokes well. In order to gain your trust he had to make sure you're not afraid of him and this would include taking you to town so you can see Paris in that time period.

Also he wanted to make sure that everywhere you exist he would be there. Like if you're in the library cleaning he would be there. Etc...

He just wanted to make sure that you get to use to him and his presence.

Confession (SFW)

Obviously you both grow to like each other because of your similarities and because Leonardo at some point caught your attention as well.

That night around 8 p.m after having dinner and helping sebastian with the chores you felt a bit of unease so you went to the garden of the mansion to have a walk and think of how much your life changed since you came in here. And as expected Leonardo followed you there and asked if everything is alright. You told him about what you felt and he hugged you to give you a sense of relief it was all sweet and dreamy at first but then you realized how hot your cheek was. Of course the genius knew. And to ease that he tried to change the subject and talk about other things but obviously your eyes didn't leave him alone.

You literally was talking to him through eye language of how much you like him and giving him the I want you and I want to be with you look.

Ex.

It was obvious for him what you want but he really was in a denial state because of the intense feeling he felt towards you. "Cara mia your eyes saying it all" he said " Saying what?" You asked in husky tone of voice, like you didn't already know that. "You're making it seem like it is easy for us" He said exchanging the same look you give him "Well, it is" you lowered your voice looking at the green grass shyly. "You don't have to hold back" you told him looking up at him. " I don't want to". And then he broke the distance taking you in his arms and kissing you right on your lips. Your hands was on his chest and to reach his lips you had to stand on your tip toes. You smiles to him as he said "I love you" and it was the most beautiful thing you heard in your life.

Relationship headcanons (SFW)

Quickly, Leonardo understood your personality and your behaviors after just being with you for a short period of time. He became fond of your every little detail. How you eat, walk, sleep and even your reactions. He just can't stand a day that passes without spending a little bit of it with you. Not in a clingy way of course but he'll just make sure that both of you spend time with each other and courage you to be the best version of yourself.

He would really appreciate your motherly behavior and the way you're friendly with plants and animals. Also he would be around when you bake the banana bread to help you. Or maybe he will just make it as a surprise when he is out in town and picking some for you "Hey Cara mia I just found your delicious meal, here's it". He have no problem in dragging you everywhere with him or taking you on picnics to enjoy the nature together.

At night he would enjoy the discussions you make with him about any topic tbh because he is knowledgeable and know almost everything, while you both in his bed cuddling and just enjoying the warmth together.

Leonardo 100% will be aware of your phobia of insects and he will try to make sure that you don't face any.

Another thing is he won't mind you playing under the rain/snow. It is just so attractive that you enjoy life in every detail.

And the fact that you're a motherly girl is so soothing and reassuring for him that he would never leave such a treasure.

Relationship headcanons (NSFW)

He is so skilled ommgg. He can turn you on and flip you around like a coin. And when he is in love he is so damn horny. Anything you do will just make him amazed. And don't get me started on how much he get jealous but he won't even say. Because he doesn't want you to think that he is possessive or anything.

Well, I can see that bath sex is a thing here to be honest. One evening you were tired because you got involved with a party sebastian throw up for Napoleon's birthday and went to your room to rest. For a brief moment Leonardo already was behind your back and asked you if you want him to help you relax. You agreed and he suggested to take a bath with him. In the beginning it was so innocent you both took your clothes off and set enjoying the hot water. And then the fun eventually started. He started to massage you back and then his hands went from you back to your breasts and you started to moan. One hand on your breast massaging it and the other circles your sensitive bud between you legs and after that you turned your back and started a make out session while you ride him. Both of your moans and groans became so loud that you both had to deal with the teasing next day.

Also I can see that he would be into cock-warming and morning sex but the second one won't be daily.

He is yearning whenever he don't spend enough time with you and sometimes you both will get used on quickies because of not having enough time with each other.

Another thing is he is really into doggy position and is a huge turn on for him. Being exposed and vulnerable in front of him so he can take the lead is so enticing.

Obviously, he is the dominant one in the relationship and the bedroom as well. But if you prefer taking the lead he would like that.

At first both of you was kind of shy and awkward but you grew to like each other more in a sexual and physical way.

Possible conflicts:

Well it is known that he is a pure-blood vampire and you're a human so it would be difficult for him to turn you into a vampire. What if you don't want to? What if you hated him for doing it?. What if the eternity wasn't enough to love you?. What ifs killed his poor mind and the negative thoughts kept going back to him.

Possible match:

Le Comte De Saint Germain and Vincent Van Gogh

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☆ Note:

Thank you for reading my match up.

The ask box will be open until 20th/Jun/2023.

Comment your thoughts below and inform me if you want specific things.

*Follow me for more

M 🤎

#ikevamp matchup

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percyjacksonscookies · 2 years ago

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dude imma say it

the percy jackson tv show sucks so bad

and I have a lot of time to think at work when im not busy with my little tasks so imma rant about it

because my little brain likes to look for connections i guess

anyway

IT SUCKS SOOOOOO BAAAAAAD HOLY

S H I T

its a giant mix of things because of where we are in time

every major piece of media is a huge reflection of the times we live in so uh

it makes sense that this would suck too like every single other piece of media disney has released in the past decadeish (it comes down to taste so if u like a Disney thing, whatever)

but like?!?!

because of the times we live in where writers had to strike for better wages and a semblance of recognition (i dont know the terms exactly) it makes sense that they gave ol' Ricky boy a shot at screen writing cause they didn't really have to take a chance with a new writer. cause u know disney! wherever there are corners to be cut they will! gotta think of the poor ol' bottom line!!

BUT ALSO RICK RIORDAN'S QUALITY IN WRITING WENT DOWN S O HARD AFTER HIS FIRST SERIES WITH PERCY

heroes of Olympus and trials of Apollo do not have the same flavor as the original series and I know plenty of people will agree with me

and thats cause ol' ricky boy (might call him uncle rick ironically cause I have a big family so its in character of me to have beef with an uncle plus like.... cmon its for the bit, an homage to my cringey younger self, and to help me avoid stupid autocorrect on my phone, it works on so many levels, if u must, cringe away) lost the fucking heart of the original series

lost the whole point and charm of the 1st series

it started out as a fucking bed time story for his son for fucks sake!!!!!! so obviously it was going to be a story built on so much love you could feel it in every word he carefully knit together for his son to feel less alone in the world

and thats why I looked up to him for so many years!!!!

he inspired me to start writing!!! so that maybe some day I could also write stories that helped people feel less alone

because the best fucking stories are the ones with the most heart and genuine emotions you feel like you could be there

but uncle rick fucking lost it because i think after the massive success of his first series he saw it as a way to make money for his family instead of a way to lovingly craft something for the sake of it just existing

yet another thing capitalism has taken from us

I have yet to read his other work, as an adult, because percy jackson is such a comfort book for me and I've obsessively done so much research on it I remember him doing an interview once where he said his students found his other works and they were teasing him about the cuss words in the book because of course they were he taught middle schoolers and that is where he is stronger than I

but thats also another thing

since I haven't read his other works, I dont know if they're going to speak to me like percy jackson has, but probably not from the looks of his other series (ive read all of heroes of Olympus and some of trials of Apollo but thats just cause I adore nico)

but I can definitely say for sure without a shadow of a doubt

dude

uncle rick is NOT a screen writer

he SUCKS at it so bad

he definitely doesn't know how to build suspense in film or write around the obstacles that come with live acting

which is embarrassing man

ive been there

did a senior directed play in high school, wrote the script myself

and it sucked pretty bad

because I was a story teller not a script writer!!!! I didnt know what the fuck i was doing!!!!! whenever I wanted a new character I would just invent one out of thin air, what do you mean I had to have an actor for every new character I have?!?!?!?!

soooo grateful i tried that for the first time in high school cause its not that embarrassing when u suck at something as a teenager cause hey!!! ur learning new shit everyday!!

but this ties back into my point of this show reflecting the times

I will say, I prefer the movie of percy jackson over this weird show

and thats cause it had charm! zest! a screenwriter and people that knew how to make movies!

were at such a weird place in cinema

at least in the mainstream american/western media

I saw everything everywhere all at once last year and it blew my tits clean off

but thats because it was made by people who wanted to make art for arts sake!!!! for the love of creation!!!!!

thats why those movies are so successful now

cause there's really no formula to follow anymore so anything that seems original and made with love is so fucking insanely successful and big corporations can't fucking replicate that without taking chances and letting people tell honest earnest stories

which is why every Disney villain sucks now cause they have to also secretly maybe sometimes be a good person

oh no the circumstances they were given made them a villain

hmmm I wonder who helped with the capitalism of it all?? hmmmm such a mystery

I know we all miss when villains were just evil for fun and that was it

like Ursula, they didn't explain shit about her backstory she was just a woman in a cave that had a reputation and had a sick as hell design and that was all people needed to like her (shout out to divine) (also I don't remember much about the little mermaid I am basing this off of vibes)

where was i going with this.....

anyways the pjo TV show sucks

let Rick Riordan cook longer as a screen writer or let him be a co author of the script my god he sucks at this

get an expert screen writer in there asap phew!!!

today's adhd rant has been brought to you by:

this thing

#pjo #i have so muvh to say but im gonna stop #this is a monster of a post #this is definitely my longest post on tumblr and i am Afraid but percy jackson makes me want to talk forever so whatever #i dont have any percy jackson friends so my followers must endure sorry everyone #kinda #i did start out as a pjo blog and branched out but i never really stopped lmao #never shared my thoughts on here though so this is new #time to shout into the void of the internet #my schtuff

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automatismoateo · 3 months ago

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My 7 year old looked me dead in the eye and said ... but god is real. Help? via /r/atheism

My 7 year old looked me dead in the eye and said ... but god is real. Help? We are lesbians who live in a tiny conservative town in ontario. The closest we get to spirituality is the spirit of life. But not in a it takes precedent over science way. More of like a standing in a sunny pasture while the bees buzz makes you feel connected to nature way. Anyways, our 7 year old has been arguing with her friends a lot lately about god. They are all loud and pushy, and my kid is autistic so it takes her a beat to respond to stuff. The 3 other girls believe in god and having varying levels of religious families. We had to have a sit down at her birthday party and explain to the other kids that we dont believe that in our household because she kept telling them to stop talking about it and playing it and they were upset. The most recent thing her bff has been into is heaven and hell. She is super chatty and will nonstop preach. Obviously I dont want to tell her she's wrong, but it's a bit muc. Plus it kind of annoys me that this 7 year old girl wants to pretend to be an angel of heaven but okay, everyone plays weird games when they're 7. It's just a fun thing to her. My kid thought it was funny and was the devil of hell and liked that she got to say bad words and be evil lol After the friend left, I told her that heaven and hell are not real. That it's just a story to try and convince people to be nice, but that we be nice because it's the right thing to do. We talked about that if you need to be rewarded to be nice, you're not really being nice. She has become a bit enamoured with this heaven and hell thing. She wanted to write about animals going heaven on her drawing today. She seemed a bit ashamed to tell me it, which I dont want her to feel. I agreed that it would be cute, but asked her that she knows heaven isn't real right? and she quickly looked away and said yeah... but god is. And then looked straight at me. I asked her who told her that, and she quickly said nevermind and then very insistantly told me she didnt believe that and she believes what I believe. Which is not what I want for her! I told her I want her to be her own person and find her own beliefs, but that I don't think any god that exist would want me to go to hell for loving her other mom. And that the god they are talking about is the same one who told the settlers to kill all the native people (in canada the curriculum is very focused on native history and we live between 3 reservations), and I don't think any god would do that. That people just use it as an excuse to be mean. We've talked about it many times so she was receptive to that part. I feel like I fumbled it and I don't know what to do. I need advice. Is it too extreme to tell the friend that we dont do/play stuff like that in our home? I'm sure plenty of religious families would push religion to playmates in their homes so it feels fair.... but it also feels like not my place. Submitted April 01, 2025 at 03:11AM by Successful-Shower678 (From Reddit https://ift.tt/0VS9v1b)

#reddit

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showponyyy · 7 months ago

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i'm sorry i missed this...

my friend dawson has coined the term "scary hour" where at night before bed (or first thing in the morning? i cant remember) he takes an hour to just respond to people or do stuff he doesn't wanna do. and to me there's nothing scarier than having to reply to people. and then the worst part is once you finally text everybody back and the words "so sorry i didn't reply sooner" start to sound like gibberish they all fucking respond and you're right back where you were. hell!

it's not that i don't want to respond or that i dont wanna talk to these people, i do for the most part! i just get overhwhelmed. it deserves some therapizing i haven't done. or a tumblr post. wah wah people wanna talk to me. it's a trivial thing to dedicate a complaint post to.but i know i am not alone in this. i have plenty of friends with this same affliction.

there's two types of people on the matter: people with 12,000 unread emails and people who have their shit together. i am just a bad texter and that's okay. i need to unsubscribe to many many businesses. i'm sure i have deeply offended some people with my lack of response. sometimes i see a text some through that makes me smile so big and then i set my phone down and don't ever communicate how it made me feel.

i can't imagine being internet famous or real life famous. i would probably drown in the amount of notifications and that would be it for me. something to consider. something to work on?

i have a feeling 2025 is going to be my year of being less online. using social media less. i wanna get back into seeing people in person. giving people a business card. doing face to face marketing for my music and learning new things and taking up new hobbies. i wanna take music lessons of some sort, i wanna do some solo traveling, i wanna read a lot more and start running again.

i spent a good part of this year being online and somehow i wasn't even present for that. i feel like i just existed there as an observer without much real engagement. which is a deeply dissatisfying feeling. my friend chloe just ditched all of her social media and replaced it with substack. how enticing!

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1186e · 2 years ago

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hi. so like. i fucked up. i fucked up severely. i know i did, and i can take full responsibility for that now. if youre wondering why it took eight months, well, we can leave it at there were complications, number one being i thought you didnt want something like this. from the moment i was clearheaded enough to start writing an apology, the lack of any word from you made me wonder if you really wanted one. and then todds message would ring in my head and tell me it wasnt wanted here at all.

i dont really know how to convey how much i regret everything or how to even apologize correctly but i figure ive got to do this one way or another. i just really dont want to leave off with… whatever the fuck i said in psychosis, i can barely remember. all i have are my assumptions on what i fucked up, but assumptions are what got me here in the first place, so this is about to be Very Unprofessional And Meandering

ok so the first and most obvious thing to apologize for is. the repeated attempts at disappearing. trying to explain why is like trying to untangle a gordian knot. all i can say is im sorry. im sorry it happened and im sorry it kept happening and im sorry i hurt you. i quite literally wasn't thinking. i was reacting to things i did not tell you about in the moment like some kind of wounded animal. there is a lot a lot a lot i kept from you since december 2019 and like. i really regret keeping it all to myself. maybe having told people would have changed something, but thats a what-if no one can do shit about, and it dont matter any more. i think ive left enough ghosts regardless of whether or not i wanted to

with that out of the way i can try to explain it in other ways. one of the things i really want to say here is there was no resentment. this wasnt a "holding grudges and exploding at the last minute" thing. i was never angry. i did not get that across, ever. i cant think of a time in the last 3 years where i was ever actually mad at you. again, i dont think it ever really seemed like that. i want to say again: you never did anything to make me mad or upset. the reality on my side was much more messy and confusing cos i barely know myself at the best of times, and i know ive been mad about plenty of OTHER things, which makes it more confusing to parse. i want to clarify: you did nothing to upset me or make me hold grudges. the last time, the one i remember the most, i did not leave cos you made me mad or upset or insulted or something. this is going in circles now but what im trying to get to is i thought you wanted me gone. it was fear. i thought all of you there couldnt stand me. a simple sentiment that comes from a clusterfuck of extremely confusing circumstances and signals, and a prophetic one. everything seemed to say i wasn't wanted there. i dont know how to word this except that like. it felt like i was treated different? in a way i could never put words to. a feeling of being on thin ice, or seeing how everyone reacted to each other and seeing how they reacted to me and feeling like it was. less. less good. less enthusiastic. i have no clue if it was the depression refusing to let good memories or good things remain in my brain or the other disorder convincing me the good was somehow bad but i felt like i was a minor character to use. a stupid metaphor. every time i wanted to leave or left it was chasing a feeling of 'i have to go now or they'll kick me out, or im on the cusp of making them hate me somehow'.

anyway what im trying to get to here is just this: you did nothing wrong. you couldn't have known this, or anything going on with me, since i didnt tell anyone and i didnt even realize what was happening until i physically got away from some people i was forced to be around irl. and i know this sounds like an excuse or something but i could not exist around them without them reinforcing incredibly bad habits and insecurities. you did the best you could with the scraps i gave anyone. none of this is your fault. i kept. a lot a lot a lot of secrets cos i was scared of telling people. anything i guess. i am a moron and it is my fault cos i thought i could handle everything on my own back then if only i could try harder and the only thing it did was result in confusing everyone around me + breaking down some of the best relationships in my life. one of those was you, in case it isnt clear.

anyway. back to the point. i know now it feels like i was giving you the silent treatment or attempting to punish you for something unless im getting that very wrong. i have only recently been exposed to people talking about how it feels to be on the other end of this also. i didnt think about how it feels to have someone suddenly and without warning pull away from you (obviously) especially when its not only been once but a repeated occurrence. i also know it doesnt make sense to someone thinking normally, but in those delusional (and when i say delusion i mean it with sincerity, not exaggeration or self depreciation), incredibly stressed out moments, the backwards thinking of "if they want me around they'll reach out, if they don't they wont" felt like it was logical. sometimes people run when they want to be followed but how the fuck are you supposed to know that? the insane logic of "if these people really loved me theyd violate the boundary they thought i put up". no part of this makes sense to me anymore but its easy (for me) to trace the disordered thinking into why it did at one point. but its not healthy and its a stupid as fuck thing to try to pull on other people. and its not good cos. the only person who ever followed that logic and approached me when i was isolating was someone who Wanted to isolate me.

and i know it sounds delusional to say someone could do this and do it on a basis where they didnt want to hurt someone (it quite literally is!) but that was. basically the only thought in my head at the time. i thought my presence was an active detriment + i didnt think i would be noticed if i was gone + i thought leaving would make things better for other people + my first instinct when dealing with the. incredibly intense emotions i was going through at the time is self isolation and online that always seems to manifest as freak out and delete everything or try to + i thought i was approaching the point where i was going to be left so my kneejerk reaction was to leave and be hurt on my own terms or at least leave until the feeling passes + L all around. and im taking the leap right now (too late) in trying to trust that this was all just made up in my head and you felt none of this (at the time at least), this was all transference on my part from. this other. honestly really terrible group i was in (i think i complained about them once or twice where you could see, but about other. petty things i could find words for and not. some other things). and from people i talked to everyday constantly trying to convince me of this. i dont think like this anymore. i recently got back into contact with some people i used to be close with years ago who people irl made sure i isolated myself from and the realization that i can be missed and thought about when im not there hit me like running into a brick wall. i know this sounds like. stupid as shit and probably fake but like. i just was convinced of it?

one thing i have to stop and try to explain here is these actions were like. normal to me. no hostile intent behind them. i have friends that do this to me all the time. i have one whos disappeared on me for months at a time who ive been friends with for a decade, who doesnt answer a single message until she suddenly does and is back until she disappears again. i got used to it i guess. i had another friend group who does this all the time, too (that one i just mentioned), so i didnt think anything of it. people have done it to me irl as well so i guess i just. thought you would react like i do and put it out of your mind until it resolved itself (and if you think 'hey this is contrary to the wanting to be followed idea', it is, and its cos im a hypocrite and my brain followed no logic). i thought the reason id fucked up these times myself was i couldnt cut and go as cleanly as they could cos part of me still wanted to just. stay. and play stupid games with you. i didnt realize my absence would be noticed, i thought it would be better for everyone if i was gone for at least a while, i didnt realize the kind of panic and worry that instills in normal people (especially since when id isolate before i ever met you guys it never seemed to), i didnt think it was possible for someone to worry over me, and i didnt know that sort of thing was linked to something traumatic for you specifically. i wish you'd told me earlier. or maybe you did and i fucking forgot, in which case, im sorry for that too, ive been incredibly tunnel visioned on my own situation for. years. and its made me a really. really shitty friend

i dont think i ever like once opened up to you or anyone about. anything? any of this. any of how my brain worked or how i was doing or what was going on. i bitched a lot, more as the situation i was in actively got worse and made me a worse person , but like. i dont think i ever actually had a conversation with any of you about it. and thats my fault. this is like, really stupid to admit after it already happened, but part of me was sure if i did, if i was really honest and you got a look at how fuckt all my problems were, you'd leave.

and i want to say that came out of nowhere but i cant. i had another group of friends, mentioned before, where that also felt normal. there was someone in there who weaseled my bpd diagnosis out of me and then she like. used this as an example of why i was a bad person and couldnt be trusted, cos she had someone who hurt her who had bpd or something, but they let me stay "on thin ice" if she could "mediate those behaviours". this resulted in a lot of very confusing shit i can barely remember aside from the fact it started around the same time we got the kicked outnotice, around september 2020. but one of them i do remember was when id say i cared about someone or drew something for them she accused me of lovebombing people and said "if people really cared about what you were giving theyd give something back, so stop". and every time i tried to google it i felt like i couldnt prove her wrong. so i ended up like. stopping any and all displays of affection to friends. that statement alone ended up reinforcing a terrible ass. transactional view of things that i know i ended up freaking out with you about at least once. and im sorry about that, too. it was beyond ridiculous and theres no excuse for that

anyway if this feels like its not related to anything, one of the things i wanted to apologize for is im not sure if you noticed like. a sudden drop off in my ability to express affection to you or other people but. that was why. and then while i was high and struggling to get my head around something that happened to me in early april that group exploded and she pointed at me and said i was a terrible person. which is about when i came back with the. im not sure if im remembering what i said right but "why do you care" and the. what was the other thing? that it was better without me? i didnt mean it as angry although i can understand now why in that situation itd be interpreted as lashing out. i meant it as a genuine question. i did not get that across. i was struggling to understand why anyone would care about me at all at in that moment and also very out of touch with reality. maybe fuckin (dialogue tags) like an elcor would have helped idk. i dont know why i suddenly messaged you out of the blue like that all i can think of is like. youd made the feeling go away before and i was hoping that could happen again but i had no clue how to approach anyone first of all and secondly thats a ridiculous burden to put on another person and im so sorry for that

i remember something like insisting i wasnt an attentionwhore when youd messaged me before and like i know you must have not had a fucking clue where that came from and i didnt know where to go with an "okay" so i didnt. say anything. and it was a ridiculous outburst cause by like. this terrible thing that happened in april that goes back to march that like. i still dont know how to talk about. but something happened and when i tried to tell people about it i made the mistake of assuming these people liked me and when i tried to come clean about something that had happened to me i got called an attentionwhoring freak and i got dropped in favour of. someone else. and i was trying really really really fucking hard to act normal but i could interact with nothing and do nothing except give my things away and stare at a screen and i didnt know who i could tell and it was your birthday month and i didnt want to make it about me but i fucking. did in the end. ruined that whole thing. im sorry i fucked up april for you and im sorry i never finished that art i said id make for it and im. sorry i never told you anything earlier that could have averted this. the timing was too awful it was too close to. your birthday and we were always doing something in that mmo and it felt like something bad was always happening to you too and. i dont know. i thought it was a space i couldnt take up and that no one wanted me to. i guess it all comes back to the fear again i was too scared to ask if i could tell anyone and i was too scared to. admit anything was happening. even after the point where it was really obvious. if i admitted it i had to admit to myself i didnt have control over what had happened

although from everything that was said to me im assuming i ruined things long ago and no one ever told me. so to the point: im sorry i ruined your life and for being a shitty friend. i'm sorry for being so fucking weird and cagey and unable to explain or communicate anything at all. now that ive been actively trying to trust someone theres nothing i regret more than not being able to do it sooner and all the fuckin. hurt and confusion my lack of trust caused

another thing i want to apologize for is like. the several times id tried to talk to you about something but came off very aggressively. i never realized how weird it was to approach people like that until like. well for one your reactions to it. but until i left the situation i was in irl and got to interact with a Normal Person everyday that was just like. how things happened around me. i didnt realize it wasn't normal, i thought that like, your patience and kindness and understanding in response was abnormal and i didnt know how to respond to that. i mean, it certainly defused me every time. you are like a master of deescalation but im guessing that comes with your job. anyway what i wanted to say here was i'm sorry for always approaching things so aggressively, especially if that was the lashing out. i thought i was learning to communicate better but i wasn't. i certainly wasnt fucking communicating That or Anything that was Happening. and like im sorry for the stress that caused you being faced with sudden aggression like that and trying to figure out what the fuck my problem was

another thing i want to apologize for is the like. idk how to describe this one except for "promoting callouts and cherry picking". i know you already know what im referring to. i dont know why i did this considering it fed back into my paranoia too but the only thing i can think of is considering how fucking shitty my situation was i wanted control over something. and sometimes that was 'look at how terrible these people are'. which is not an excuse for the behaviour, i should have remembered you were also in a shitty situation you had little control over. ever since i got to live away from the toxic sludge dump and got medicated this literally means nothing to me but i know it probably stoked your own paranoia too and im sorry about that. everything i brought up was a ridiculous thing to draw lines over. memories of some of the things id gotten tilted over come back to me sometimes and i put my head in my hands. im sorry for the stress i caused here too!

im trying to think of other stupid ass things ive done and like. i am also sorry for being. so secretive? if you understand. like telling you not to tell people stuff. i think you already know what sort of complexes were making me do that, given how many times ive told people stuff and then had them turn around and make fun of it in a private group. but also i was not dealing w that in a healthy way at all and making some pretty ridiculous demands, like of even keeping something from your twin? even something that innocuous? i want to say im not that stupid but i was the one who asked. and to that end i dont care what you do with this apology or who you share it with im sure theres shit in here that deserves to be made fun of to hell and back.

and that is all i can remember to apologize for, but im assuming to have been cut out like that there must be a shit ton im not remembering. one of the only things i can remember you saying before you left was "you say you wont be an asshole but are" and thats just vague enough it could be literally anything i just brought up, but if its not one of those, and you want an apology for it. you know where to find me on discord i assume im in your block list. also if you just want to like. yell at me. for all of this. you can. its fine. you can do that and then block me again idk and like. thats what i get

and i know this is a whole ass fucking essay and i really really hope this is 'explanation' and not 'excuse'. i dont want any of this to excuse what i did, because i know it was fucking awful and i will never be able to apologize enough for what i put you through. to use one of those cliche apology lines, but like with sincerity, there is no excuse for my behaviour, and none of what happened is your fault. its mine and a result of my fuckups and my insecurities and my twisting myself into knots. you were like unfailingly kind and patient even when i read you or a situation wrong, the only fault here lies with me and my trust issues and the fact i could just not. get myself to believe. and being too zeroed in on what i was going through to consider how i was affecting other people. now that i actually want to be here there are like. so many things i wish i could go back and change. but i cant. i have to live with how i was immature and emotionally reactive and terrified of everything and. everything i fucked up when i thought i would not live long enough to see the consequences. i guess another thing i want to apologize for is theres definitely some times i probably made you feel like you were still at your job dealing with a child lmfao

a lot of this happened cos like. i dont know how to put this (how many times have i written that so far) other than being like. completely unaware of what i am to people and desperate for some kind of indication i was as significant in other peoples lives as they were in mine, which felt fundamentally impossible, but was also something i was just too fucking scared to ever try to ask directly. or i guess it felt like if i had to ask i was being manipulative or forcing you into a situation where you had to give a nice answer cos you didnt want to upset me or something and i didnt. want that. (which i guess ties in again to lack of trust. like not trusting you to give an honest answer. im not sure why) which makes no sense cos in the end the trying to see without asking ends up. more manipulative? i mean thats obvious but the thought somehow never occurs in the moment. and i could not read any of you at all and the feedback loop was an electric chair. or i guess like. i was constantly asking the question 'do you still love me even though im made of flaws' again and again until i got the no that validated my worldview. and i did not reciprocate the care shown to me at any point. i could not love u or anyone in a way that mattered.

i guess what it comes down to is i was a massive cunt and for what. i dont even know anymore. i sit here and the self preservation looks stupid as shit and didnt even preserve my self in the end, and was directed at the wrong fucking people. king of making mountains out of grains of rice on the floor.

i dont like. want to be your friend again or even forgiven. i dont think this works like that i dont think ideserve that. i just want to end things on a less confusing note i guess. i hope this is less confusing. somehow? it is all of my fucking issues irt what lead to this laid bare i guess or at least as bare as i can make it right now and if all you have in response is a "get help and leave me alone freak" itd be deserved

i guess to get to the actual point of all this. im sorry. you deserved better than this. i think i might have made it feel like you were responsible for my emotions or behaviour, which i didnt want to, and you werent. i was responsible for every shitty reaction and thought i had no matter the circumstances, i was the one who could have brought things up and made myself feel better at any point but i never did. and i never knew what i needed in the moment so i asked for stupid things that never helped and only confused people, especially when i didnt realize the scope of what id done and tried to move on asap since lingering on the. memories of the things that instigated whenever this would happen was. a lot.

you met me at the weirdest fucking time in my life and i wish i could have been a good friend instead. im sorry for everything, for not learning how to communicate in time to avert this dumbass self-created tragedy of an ending, for the bad faith takes, for the aggression, for any worry or panic i created. i wish i could make things better or fix things or make amends somehow but like i have no clue how to and i dont think anyone would let me. you have a lot of good people looking out for you! im sure they can help you better than i can. i was the one who pushed this until it broke so it feels like the only thematically fitting thing i can do is disappear right this time.

i dont expect you to look past any of this shit or even respond but like, if you have been at any point, please dont worry. about me trying to contact you again or just about me in general. im not your problem anymore and im in a way better space. i guess one last thing i regret is not being able to leave my situation in time for that to really matter here. i hope untangling the things we wrote together hasnt been too painful for you. im sorry i turned out to be the kind of person who has to try to write a hedge maze of an apology like this. this is like not even an apology anymore its just like a goodbye letter and its taking ages so

i do want to let you know you were unfailingly kind to me and its my fault i floundered and didnt know how to react to that. im sorry i wore out that kindness and patience. im sorry for all the love i was too stupid to know what to do with and forgot about and now can never repay even for the bits i do remember. this was not a relationship i wanted to push until it broke but i did! i thought in the moment i was only hurting myself but i wasnt! it never crossed my mind that someone who is your friend can't stand there and watch you hurt yourself without being hurt in turn. and im sorry that now we both have to deal with the fallout of. me. i hope in some way this makes that easier on you at least. it wasn't your fault, you werent responsible for my behaviour, i won't bother you again, and i realize now that going dfe and not giving anyone a name to block was like, a shitty paranoia inducing thing to do, so here's me giving you one. i hope the damage i did for you doesnt last long + the detox and recovery is. not so bumpy at least

i really dont know how to end this since like. everything ive read about apologies in the past few months (you can laugh at me for looking. none of it helped) says like. tell them how you wont repeat this. i cant tell you that cos there is nothing to repeat cos there is nothing here and nothing to go back to. i guess what i can say is im sorry i made it that way. now i live with someone who doesnt love to trigger those same relationship paranoia spirals. about the best thing to come of this situation, even if it didnt seem like it at the time, was that it was enough of a world-shattering event to make me realize physically i had to get away from where i was or nothing would ever change. i think cos of this, and cos of some things you guys taught me that i can only try applying now, i can be a better friend to people. but not you. i wish i could refund you guys any of the damn money you spent on me

ok so like. this has dragged on forever. both this and the waiting for. so thank you for being in my life for the short period you were. the three years (and a half?) we knew each other were good i think you guys were one of the best parts of those years despite how i acted. i wish id been more grateful and im sorry i wasnt as good a friend to you as you were to me. i hope the rest of december is good to you and i hope the holidays and new years are fun. i fucked up last nye cos i thought you didnt want to spend time with me and was trying to play it off casually, and you deserve better than that, too, so like i hope the one you get this time is better and memorable. i hope the rest of your life is happy and you get back the good you put into the world someday. thank you for taking the time to read this far. alright. goodnight and goodbye

#so much for keeping it short whatever one shot no editing. this is how it goes out #'like' isnt even a real to me anymore but i keep putting it in every other word #so long and goodnight hope you had the time of your life etc etc ok. send tweet

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doctrixstrange · 5 years ago

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I refuse to apologize unless I've caused pain. I refuse to automatically assume that my opinions and presence is harmful.

#not sorry #dont apologize #dont dimish yourself #there are plenty of words to use that dont make us feel bad for existing

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fleurmiss · 2 years ago

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ೃ⁀➷ one love, two mouths

- ,, ao’nung x fem reader

- ,, being bestfriends with aonung ever since you gained consciousness was pleasant, but comes with a side of flirting and realizations you want to be more than just friends, or bestfriends.

- ,, warnings - SUGGESTIVE! adults watch out this is a teenager ur reading abt. minors pls be careful if u dont like making out!! ao’nung is a btch but not to u, tanhì is na’vi for “star, bioluminescent freckle”, simp ao’nung yasss thats like all my characters lol gunna ignore that!!

ps : tanhì is not readers name lol, just a nickname that ao’nung gave her!!!

-‘๑’- sweater weather - the neighborhood

Ao’nung was mean, you’ve seen how quick he is to bite back and claw at any opportunity that gives him a moment of glory against his rivals, plenty of times.

Ao’nung is mean to everyone, everyone but you, and his family, and maybe Roxto.

Excluding those people, ao’nung has never tried to purposefully hurt your feelings, maybe in a moment of childish banter, he has said mean things that are fleeting, they go away as quickly as they come because he sees the look on your face, and says sorry with a heavy heart.

Some days he is not as apologetic, and delays his apologies until a day or two, you walk away with hurt, anger, and hesitation but he always comes to u, can’t bare being away from you, his girl.

You are sitting on the sand, knees up to your chest as you gaze upon the sea, muscles sore from swimming all day. You almost fall asleep as the peaceful sound of the waves lulls you but alas, your one and only makes his presence known with his loud greeting.

“My tanhì, you look a little lonely!” ao’nung chuckles and sits down beside you, right beside you. No literally, he’s so close that your arm and leg are touching his. Why’s he so close? There’s literally so much space? You’ve stopped questioning it, he’s been touchy with you since forever.

He ruffles the top of your head affectionately, the little smile on his face tells you he’s in a good mood. “hi ao’nung” you say softly and give him a sweet smile, god he almost just melted at the spot, “you seem happy today”

“i am” he replies shortly and you lay your head on his shoulder, letting out a satisfied sigh at finally seeing your favorite person.

his hand finds it’s way to your leg and he gives you a prompt squeeze on your thigh, affection came as naturally as breathing to him when it was with you.

Your eyes roam around the sea as you look at the people smiling with their ilu’s and splashing around in the water, you catch a glimpse of a group of 4 girls as you shudder with the piercing look they give you. You recognize those girls as Tsireya’s friends, remembering her telling you about her dislike for a lot of their decisions. She told you to avoid them, they’re no good.

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion when you see the said girls make their way to you and ao’nung, probably only having matters that deal with ao’nung, you’re pretty sure they’ll ignore your whole existence if anything.

You being this close to The Olo’Eyktan’s only son ignites some sort of resentment in them, automatically making you their competition and viewing you as a threat.

“bruh not these chicks again” ao’nung mutters quietly in irritation and lets out a groan into your hair, hoping they’ll go away if he can’t see them. You giggle but your smile is gone as soon as the girls stop right in-front of your bestfriend. “Ao’nung!! We we’re gonna go take a swim with our ilu’s, I think you should join us! Im sure sitting here watching the ocean isn’t that interesting” the girl’s giggle thinking Ao’nung will get up and follow them without a word.

For a second you believed so too, what you were doing wasn’t that fun, but you didn’t want fun, you wanted calm.

“fuck no” you hear pure distaste in ao’nung’s voice, it makes you cringe, the second hand embarrassment of straight rejection in the face. You smile, he’s really showing no interest in these girls, you almost feel bad, but whats it to you?

“oh- well- you can- you can always come join us later or whatever, whenever y/n lets you go” you’re a bit offended, you aren’t holding ao’nung back from anything, especially these girls, any choice he makes is solely his decision.

“nah im good i prefer y/n anyways”

“whatever” the girls huff and puff and stomp off the space you guys we’re currently sitting at

“bit mean, don’t u think”

“i don’t care” you smile at his quick response

“i think a lot of people dislike our friendship ao’nung, you’re the next Olo’Eyktan and they think i’m competition. They can’t let me ruin their chances of becoming Tsahik.”

“tanhì, what are you even saying?”

“i just.. what i mean is.. you’re almost ready to find a mate, and you must choose wisely, as your choice will be the next Tsahik for our clan, she must work with you as one, and i feel like i’m holding you back from finding a good mate”

Ao’nung pays attention to you, listening to your worries with furrowed brows, he’s so good to you, always. It makes your heart squeeze when you think of him being this affectionate with any other girl, you’re selfish, you want him to yourself.

As much as this hurts, you will be open with him, but you will not open your heart to him as of now. You sigh, he grabs your hand and his thumb rubs soothing circles, telling you to continue.

“i think.. i think re’yal is a beautiful girl, her parents are talented and she takes after them-“ you are cut off.

“i couldn’t care less for re’yal” you tilt your head in confusion

“na’yi is a good healer”

“she is a good healer.”

Ah. It’s Na’yi that he’s chosen then. You look up at him, unable to stop your head from moving. He smiles. Ouch.

“i have the stupidest girl sitting in front of me right now” you hit him gently in the chest, he catches your hand and intertwines his fingers with yours.

Woah. You’ve held hands multiple times but not this way. It feels different. You’re almost about to throw up.

Your eyes quickly drop down to his lips, god, you pray to Ewya that he doesn’t notice.

He does notice, and he thinks you’re so cute he could make-out with you right now.

“she’s so stupid but she’s also the prettiest, she’s really cute too, i think she’d make a great tsahik” you’re embarrassed now, what does this mean? why’s he such a jerk?

“i don’t think Na’yi wo-“

“tanhì, i don’t care about Na’yi, i do not want her.”

“Ao’nung.. allow me to help you, you cannot delay this anymore”

“y/n you just don’t get the hint do you?”

“what?”

Ao’nung groans frustrated, he looks around to see if anyone is watching, what he’s about to do right now might cause issues, he can’t find himself to care any longer though.

Ao’nung cranes his head enough so his lips are an inch away from yours, he looks at you with lidded eyes and you’re already looking at him

“let me kiss you” he asks and you don’t wait, you nod and he smashes his soft lips against yours, desperately. You’ve been wanting to do this, been wanting to kiss your bestfriend.

He grabs the back of your neck to deepen the kiss, damn, he’s a good kisser. Not that you’ve kissed anyone else before, but he’s making you feel really good.

It’s fast, and you both are desperate, impatient, and incredibly in love. He grabs your waist to pull you closer and you whine into the kiss. Sweet. He’s never loved a sound more. His confession comes between kisses.

“y/n, i want you,” kiss. “and only you.” kiss.

you pull away and you’re breathing heavily, you look at ao’nung, pretty sure your eyes have hearts in them. “i-“ you don’t know what to say.

“I see you” you whisper, only meant for him to hear, with sincere eyes.

Ao’nung looks at you and his lips twitch into a small smile.

He goes into kiss you again and your hands find their way behind his neck, he pulls back and trails a few kisses from your jaw to your neck, you gasp softly when he finds your sensitive spot and sucks on it, sinking his teeth into your soft skin, you’re so sure this is gonna leave a bruise.

He kisses you again but this time openmouthed, his tongue swiping against your bottom lip to ask for permission, you open your mouth more to let him in. “i love you so much” he whimpers into your mouth and you realize you wanna get out of here. Your feel yourself getting embarrassed as you realize the 4 girls probably saw your full on makeout session.

“what’s wrong baby?”

“lets get out of here ao’nung” you plead, doe eyes looking up at your lover. God, you make him crazy.

He takes your hand and leads you to his marui pod, you guys pass the 4 girls on your way there and by the look they’re giving you, you know they saw it, maybe even enjoyed it a bit. (jk) The girl’s eyes travel down to your neck where your fresh hickey lies and they immediately turn their backs around, unable to watch your love bloom any longer.

You laugh loudly and that causes ao’nung to turn around, your hands still intertwined as you giggle, ao’nung gets the hint on what you’re laughing at and smirks as he watches you, amused.

“bit mean, don’t you think?” he mocks you and you slap his arm, he throws that arm over your shoulder as you guys walk , the sound of your laugh rings in ao’nungs ears and he swears he’ll never love someone like he loves you.

#avatar fandom #avater the way of water #avatar headcanons #avatar fanfiction #avatar x reader #avatar x you #avatar 2 #avatar ao'nung #aonung #atwow x reader #aonung imagine #aonung x reader #aonung x you #ao’nung x reader

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