#there is another part after this and then i dont know if ill be able to upload here due to TOS

[monzterzack]

pollen shenanigans - part 2!

part 1

[mysumeow]

. . . ꒰ FOUND WOUNDED

Warnings: afab genitalia, gender neutral pronouns. PIV unprotected sex, Lilia takes a dominant role throughout the smut, hair pulling (reader giving), overstimulation (reader receiving), cunnilingus. not proofread it is what it is.

Summary: Out of the kindness of your heart —and naivety mixed in— you nurse back to health the injured fae you came across with in the forest.

Word count: 3.7k

A/N: if you find a mistake just ➖➖ close your eyes like that and pretend you dont see it. my contribution for general lilia lovers (myself included💗)

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ♡ 🌷 . . KOFI | NEXT

At first, General Lilia was like a feral cat when you tried to get close to him.

Injured and almost unconscious; that was how you had found him. A gaping wound on his abdomen. Regardless of his blurry vision, he could still make out the smell of a human.

Thus, through deep breaths and pained winces, he demanded that you not come closer. Those demands were accompanied by curses and hisses, of course.

Perhaps you were naive or had no sense of self-preservation, or both, because despite his refusal to receive aid, you carried him on your back.

Had the fae been in better condition, you wouldn't have made one step forward without some inconvenience happening.

Lilia's first instinct, when he awoke the next day, was to attempt to flee before you realized he was up. Granted, the pain from recent battle wounds sliced through his being, rendering him to fall back on the bed.

His heartbeat picked up once he saw you walking into the room, kicking the door shut, and carrying breakfast in your hands.

The fae's words were nothing short of disdainful, accompanied by threats.

You were aware of the complex human-fae relationships and weren't surprised by his outburst. Instead, you ignored his empty words, left the breakfast on the little nightstand next to the bed, and left.

Although the general wasn't pleased at the fact you dismissed his words as if he were blabbering, he himself knew he wouldn't hurt a defenseless human like yourself. He's willing to turn a blind eye to those that aren't part of the Silver Owl's; after all, you weren't an immediate threat to him.

He sighed, turning to look at the source of the appealing aroma on the nightstand.

He wasn't that hungry, right? He could just wait a while longer, just to establish a sense of power over you—he didn't need you as much as you thought he did.

The grumbling from his stomach made his thoughts pause.

By lunch time, you decided it was a reasonable idea to check back on the fae you rescued yesterday.

The plate was clean, as you expected.

Without sharing another word, you gathered the plate and the utensils to head back to the kitchen, until the fae’s low voice and dry manner of speaking interrupted you.

“You know our kind have had conflicts of interest, right?” You couldn’t identify any sort of hostility or ill-intent from him when he spoke his mind.

“I...” You stopped to wonder if you actually considered that detail when you decided to bring this stranger into the safety of your home. “I wouldn’t be able to turn my back on someone who’s about to die,”

Lilia stared at you; you couldn’t discern how he took the comment.

“Hmph,” he said, crossing his arms. “You humans underestimate faes. I’ve survived worse wounds. This is nothing in comparison.”

“Yeah, yeah. You're, oh, so dangerous, and I'm, oh, so fragile. Please don’t kill me, Mr. Fae,” you feigned a squeakier voice. You reveled in amusement at his displeased expression. Suddenly, you realized you didn’t even know his name. “By the way, I don’t know what to call you.”

For a moment, Lilia considered not telling you. He would flee this place as soon as he could, so what was the point? He reasoned. Despite that, he figured that you would be more fearful of him if he revealed his name, as everyone knew the title that was accompanied by it.

“Or do you want me to keep calling you Mr. Fae?” You kept poking fun at him.

“I’m Lilia Vanrouge. Does the name ring any bells to you?”

You stopped for a moment to think.

“To be honest, no.”

Lilia wondered how you were still alive at this point, being so detached from the current events going on. You had just enough information to know about the war that was going on.

Unbelievable. He shook his head before looking down at the bandages wrapped around his lower abdomen.

The dull pain that comes from wounds was still present, albeit less than yesterday. He made an effort to sit up on the bed and undid the bandages, wanting to check the wound. If he applied less strength than usual, the sting was bearable.

You stitched his lesion while he was unconscious. Even though your work was decent, he couldn’t help but wish there were fairies nearby who could speed up the healing process. He couldn’t stop thinking back on his troops, the princess, his kind—they needed him right now.

Lilia’s troubled pondering stopped when you came back.

“I was just about to ask how you were feeling. The stitches haven’t opened, right?” You dabbed the rag into the water, looking to use the piece of cloth to clean up any dirt or blood that might’ve been left over from the prior day.

“Halt, human,” he tried to scurry away, flustered. “I can do it myself. I managed to eat on my own. I don’t need your help. Wait outside,”

“Okay, but you still should clean the rest of your body. I thought I could help you walk to the bathroom so you can use the shower,” you said, placing a hand on your chin. “Will you be able to reach your back? Bend enough to clean your legs?”

Lilia narrowed his eyes, partly out of suspicion. “If I were you, I’d be more cautious of a stranger,” he sighed. “I’ll allow you to help me clean my back. The rest, I can manage. Try anything funny, and I’ll make sure you’ll regret it,”

“Anything funny? You mean killing you? Do you think I would go to these lengths just to murder you?”

“My point stands.”

You guided the fae towards your bathroom; you left him alone so he could undress and wash what he could without your help. Once he was done, he called to you, where he was waiting, sitting on the wooden bathroom’s stool with a towel wrapped around his hips.

He didn’t acknowledge you entering; he just sat there in silence, waiting for you to pour water on his scarred back. Some scars were new, some were old, and others were fading.

His ears flicked when he heard you sit behind him.

The session was…awkward, to say the least. You both were quiet, and you wondered what he was thinking about during his silence. You resisted the urge to trace the scars on his back. You surmised that it must be a sensitive topic for him. You knew about the hardships of war, but having a glimpse of the surface of them awakened a sense of pity for him.

You slid the rag along his back. Albeit having a thin frame, there was some tonification...

He shivered, interrupting both your train of thoughts and your languid movements.

“You done?” he asked, looking at you over his shoulder.

“Yes,” you answered curtly, ashamed of yourself for allowing your mind to wander that much.

From then on, having the general living under the same roof was...an experience. To you, he seemed to have some sort of internal conflict when speaking to you; sometimes, he would speak in a kinder way, and at other times, he would go back to his withdrawn and indifferent attitude.

Like he was afraid of getting too attached soon.

You would tease him, proclaiming that he had developed a soft spot for you. He would either roll his eyes, huff, or deny, until he stopped paying attention to your “pointless ramblings” (as he called them). You couldn’t help but find amusement at the idea of this fae getting tired of your teasing and preferring to ignore them.

Of course, the general would rather die than admit his days in relative leisure with you were quite endearing—he wouldn’t admit his true feelings to himself either—as having someone looking out for you was a change of pace for his days of solitude. Solitude comes in the form of having no one else but himself to rely on.

For a human such as yourself to be selfless enough to nurse him back to health, even if not necessary until a certain point, made you stand out over the rest of the past human interactions he’d experienced.

Avarice and thoughtlessness were, after all, the reasons why the fae clashed with humanity.

Alack, he couldn’t stay here with you for the rest of his life.

Basking in the last rays of sunlight, sitting on the fresh grass as you shared a meal, you didn’t expect Lilia to have a gloomy expression.

“You’re going back to your military camp?”

“The war isn’t over yet. I’ve wasted enough time waiting for my wounds to heal,” Absentmindedly, his hands hovered over where the gaping wound once was. “You’ve been…”

“Hm?” You directed your focus to him, expecting him to finish his sentence while you munched on a slice of bread.

“I’ll give it to you. You’ve been helpful, but also annoying. I wouldn’t have imagined someone to have the ability to both heal and damage someone at the same time,” he took a sip of the tea and turned his head away in agitation.

“Would it hurt too much to just say ‘thank you’?” You rolled your eyes.

“Thank you,” he agreed, so you would drop the topic.

The sun had long since set, the single light source coming from your home. Lilia gave one last glance at your profile, noticing you were deep in thought.

He opened his mouth to tell you he was going inside again. Then he closed it again, thinking maybe you didn’t want to be disturbed by whatever you were reflecting on.

For the past few weeks, stress over how his troops were doing has built up. The general couldn’t wait any longer to go back to them.

He departed that same night.

Lilia took a quick look at the bedroom he has been staying in, checking if there was anything he should take with him before departing.

Alongside his mask, he wielded his magical lithic with practiced ease. 

He placed a hand on the window and pulled the lower panel up to open it. With a foot already on the windowsill, he hesitated.

I haven’t said goodbye to...

Almost as if driven by instinct, he went back to the living room, where he last saw you a couple of hours before.

At first, he didn’t see you. He rationalized that you were in your bedroom now; however, a soft snore made him realize that wasn’t the case.

Sprawled on the couch. Blanket on the floor. Your head is almost falling off the edge of said furniture.

That’s how he found you sleeping.

He deadpanned, reaching down towards the blanket on the floor and draping it over your sleeping form.

Did Lilia feel at fault that he didn’t get to say goodbye? Yes. Nevertheless, the fae was set on answering the call of his obligations before letting himself realize it.

Being a proper general like him, he located the camp with ease. Every single one of his comrades celebrated his return.

Now, this was an environment he was used to. It felt right; this was what he was familiar with.

And despite that, he couldn’t shake you off his thoughts. Not even the next day.

His mind kept reeling back on the idea of heading towards your small cottage to apologize.

Lilia groaned in frustration, turning around on the makeshift bed inside his tent. He stared at the walls, asking himself if it made sense for him to have these feelings.

Humans are weak. I should check on that human. Yeah, that’s it. That human is clumsy.

While putting on his armor and tying the knots in their places, he couldn’t believe himself—he was going back just to see you.

It was past midnight. Perhaps it wasn’t the best time to go see you, but he hoped you were up. He remembered that you tend to stay up past that hour.

He found himself smiling fondly at the memory before his smile dropped at the smell of smoke and fire in the distance.

With a racing heart, Lilia hurried to where he knew your home was.

Engulfed by fire.

The orange embers reflected on Lilia’s eyes as he gawked at the unbelievable sight. Soon, his attention was brought back to unknown faces inspecting around the perimeter. He identified the silver armor, and Lilia didn’t waste any more time acting.

“The general!” One of them shouted, the others unsheathed their swords, and they prepared to attack.

By the sound of it, Lilia supposed that this was an ambush, since it appeared that they were after him and set the house on fire to have a better chance of hunting him down.

“Where’s the human?!” Lilia demanded, pushing the lithic blade against the soldier he trapped.

“Calcinated, perhaps,” he spat.

As she was about to slice him open, something stopped Lilia.

With a hand on his arm, you managed to halt his movements. Had you come any later, the soldier would’ve had his neck chopped.

You didn’t give him a chance to question you; rather, you pulled him away from the burning place and into the forest.

To say the fae was speechless was a way to put it—he was baffled. Up until a certain moment, he managed to regain his composure and grab you by the shoulders.

“Why didn’t you let me end him?!” He shook you. “You allowed those pesky pests to get away with it!”

“Lilia—”

“What?!”

“You’re digging your nails. It hurts.”

His arms dropped back to his sides, as if you were scalding hot.

“Now what’re you going to do? Your home…”

“I have no other choice other than traveling back to town.”

“Alone? In the middle of a war? You’re lucky enough I was willing to spare you, but I can’t guarantee other faes will do the same,” Again, his hands were on you. “You’re coming with me,”

Your mind stalled.

“Huh?” You followed him when he began heading in a direction only he knew where it ended. “Are you accompanying me towards the town?”

“Do I look like someone who has that much time to spare?” He squeezed your hand more. “I’ll take you to my camp,”

You stopped walking, pulling on his hand.

“You can’t be serious. Aren’t they going to kill me?”

“Dare anyone lay a hand on you, I’ll return the action tenfold.”

“How are you so sure they won’t dare hurt me?”

“Because I’m their general.”

“So, when were you planning on telling me that minuscule detail?” Your voice became increasingly louder as you spoke from shock. “That all this time, I’ve had the general in my home?!”

“You’re going to attract an enemy’s attention. Shut up,” he said, covering your mouth with his hand. “Let’s get going,”

You managed to escape unscathed from the fire but were exhausted from the stress of having to flee. You hugged yourself while you followed the general, fending off the chill of the night that was starting to seep into your being.

There was someone waiting by the camp’s entrance, and Lilia knew who that was.

“General, there you are!” The man’s green eyes fixed on you; sheer disdain reflected on them upon seeing you. “What’s that human doing here? They didn’t harm you, right?!”

“Quiet, Baur! This human is coming with me,” Lilia looked at you for a second. “This person is... who found me wounded back then,”

It seemed as if Lilia had mentioned you to this fae named Baur before your meeting.

“I trust you’ll keep this a secret. If the soldiers ask why this human is with us, tell them that they’re being held hostage to aid with manual labor,” Lilia had made up his mind. There was no way he would let you dive into danger.

“General… I trust your judgment above all, but—”

“My decision isn’t up for debate.”

Baur shifted his gaze back on you, unconvinced of the general’s judgment. Regardless, he recognized his position and didn’t object further.

You were drowsy. You didn’t notice you followed Lilia into his tent.

Lilia, too, occupied with his own musings, didn’t bat an eye at the arrangement.

"It would be a better idea if—" he turned around and saw you had already made yourself comfortable on his bed. You had shrugged your coat off in a messy manner, one sleeve still up your shoulder.

Acting out what felt natural, he kneeled on the makeshift mattress and finished pulling the sleeve off your body. Then he grabbed the blanket to place it over you, but you stopped him by putting your hand on his cheek.

"You look tired too," you noted with a whisper.

"Not more than you."

"My body's exhausted, but my mind's wide awake still," You moved your hand away from his cheek and reached behind him to slide the hair tie off. His ponytail became undone, locks of hair falling on either side of his face.

His hand snatched yours, albeit his face was flushed and his ears red. He held your gaze, bodies rising in temperature, until he couldn’t hold it anymore and leaned down to kiss you. It started as a vehement desire to demonstrate the feelings bottled up inside.

You weren’t faring any better, hugging him close to you despite how his fangs would bite down on your lip, almost drawing blood from his eagerness. Lilia rested his weight atop yours, pinning you down against the bed, hands wandering around your torso and squeezing what he could.

Breathless, Lilia pulled away, panting, his fangs peeking.

Intrigued by their shape, your thumb touched the pointy edge, feeling its puncture on the surface.

“Your fangs. They’re very sharp,” Your thumb moved away from the impressive canine teeth, preferring to graze it across his reddened bottom lip.

“Keep touching me like that, and I’ll use them to leave marks on that pretty neck of yours.”

You swiped your finger over his lip again.

His hand went straight to your head and pulled to expose your neck; a soft mewl escaped you. In no time, restless hands undid each other’s clothes in a haze. Lilia reminded you to avoid waking up the slumbering soldiers with your constant moans.

Had his mouth not been occupied slurping and sucking your clit, he would’ve had to control his voice too; Lilia had told you to get on top of him, baring your pussy in the most vulnerable way possible by placing your knees on either side of his head. You started by trying to not suffocate him, fearing that it might be too much—Lilia couldn’t care any less about that since he pulled you closer by your hips.

Sloppy—the very image of starving and making a mess between your legs. He guided your hips to move in backward and forward motions, just making it harder for you to quiet down. 

“Lilia,” you tried to warn him of your approaching orgasm.

One hand tightened on your hips when he sensed you trying to get off, while the other slid up the small of your back to push you forward, making it easier for him to reach your clit.

“I’m going to cum, Lilia. Please,” You weren’t even sure what you were asking for, but your hips trembled, and you didn't want that satisfaction to end.

You bit down on your hand to silence yourself when you reached your climax.

However, Lilia’s hunger wasn’t satiated. You felt as if he was about to pounce on you, which wasn’t far-fetched, because he proceeded to change positions and push you on your back.

You couldn’t hold back your whimpers as Lilia kept teasing your sensitive clit, trying to tell him you were still coming down from your orgasm, but your own mind betrayed you. Lilia’s grin was fiendish, adoring the way you were so responsive to him.

“That was all it took to get this pussy this drenched?” He fingered your hole, and beyond indecent sounds came from there. “Listen to that. You’re beyond soaked. Even the insides of your thighs are covered with your cum. Didn’t you enjoy that a little too much?” he teased.

“F-Fuck, shut up,” your cheeks burned from embarrassment.

He wasn’t better off himself either. Beads of precum both roll down his dick and drip on your thigh. With the same hand he masturbated you with, he used your slick to further lubricate his cock, even if it wasn’t necessary given how wet you were.

He aligned it with your entrance and pushed in, panting from how good you felt to him. The moment he was completely inside, he began thrusting with unparalleled pace. You bit your lip, along with teary eyes, making your best attempt at keeping your voice down. Lilia noticed you struggling and bent down to shut you up with his own lips. For that instance, the tempo staggered but was still thrusting hard.

Through your foggy mind, you wondered how such a slim body like his was able to muster this much force at such a rapid pace. How a fae with a pretty and charming face like his could be this debauched...

“Ah…” he moaned against your neck, hunger overriding any sense of rationality. Lilia hid his face in your neck, licking and kissing it.

Without you needing to tell him, the general busied his hand with your clit again, pushing you closer to an orgasm. At this point, he went back to that sloppy tempo, and your hands darted to his disheveled hair, tugging those lovely locks of magenta and black hair. You tugged slightly harder without you discerning as you orgasmed, your body quivering from the intensity of the climax. A small grunt left him and came shortly after you.

After a while of catching his breath, he pulled away and lied down next to you.

“You’re lucky these soldiers are heavy sleepers, and my tent isn’t close to theirs.”

You covered your face, realizing that you were basically surrounded by more faes. “I don’t want to show my face to them,”

Essentially, the soldiers were heavy sleepers thanks to the weariness of having to train early in the day, do manual work, fight, run up and down the mountain, and everything else. They didn’t hear a thing. As for Baur, however...

[hermesserpent-stuff]

hmmmm creeping darkness au

tw: underage smoking?? i dont recall what legal smoking age and wont look up rn

Remy listens to the radio as smoke trickles up into the sky from his cigarette. His papa would kill him if he found out Remy had started smoking any kind of cigarette, much less the ones that were hidden in loose floorboards in the kitchen. The herbal cigarettes had been left behind by omar and remy had not intended to smoke them when he first found them.

But... the idea of feeling warmth in his lungs had been an addictive idea that swirled about his brain for a solid week. And today he had felt so so lonely. Todd had not shown up and Remy feels stupid for relying on someone coming to him to bring any relief from the oppressive weight of his sin. Now as he stares at the roof, staring into the sky after the trails, he is glad for the warmth, but knows that he shouldn't be taking slow even drags, holding in the heat as long as he can stand. He should be stronger than this. He used to be.

He had not been able to find a lighter earlier. he had searched the house top to bottom, desperate not to have to use his powers for a task that would have been easy to do. In the end he had let a tiny spark escape, the first intentional use since he had murdered a man. it had terrified him. though, in equal parts, it soothed a part of his soul to see he could control it, even in a small burst.

Remy flicks the ash like he had seen his papa do a million times before the man had quit cold turkey. He curls a little and lets the smoke slip past his lips, warm and something. some sort of feeling in the face of the pit of cold nothing that sits in his chest. He closes his eyes with the next drag, tasting the smoke of different plants buring. a rose's petals. lavender. and a few other things. the heat curls over his tongue, inviting and warm. he opens his eyes and breathes upwards, letting the heat leave him.

Remy smokes it all the way down to the filter, weary, he has to go to bed soon. Saturdays were not a day off after all.

Remy rubs at his eyes as he walks over to unlock the front door. he blinks as he sees Todd there. Oh! The teen came early. Makes sense, given that there is no school on Saturday. Remy opens the door and todd immediately crickles his nose. 

"You smell like smoke dude."

Remy flushes. He had not washed his hair the night before after the roof. What kind of example is he setting? He swallows and runs a hand through his hair.

"Moment of weakness. Ill throw out the pack today.”

He had only smoked one, and there were three left in the mostly empty carton. Todd scrunches his nose further.

"Cigarettes stink.”

Todd says and Remy dips his head a little.

"Desole mon ami. Want a muffin?"

He steers the conversation away from his own failure. Todd bounces a little.

"Yes!! Gimme!"

"A please would pair well with that sentence.”

Remy teases as he walks back to the counter. He is happy to see Todd.

Really happy. he wants to ask why todd had not shown up yesterday, wants to admit to staying open late and waiting for the other teen. wants to admit that his heart had clenched with thoguhts of being abandoned and thinkning that he probaly desererved it.

He wants to.

But he doesnt.

Dumping all of that onto Todd would be cruel and unfair. Instead he grabs the freshest muffins and passes them over. Though... Remy will admit one thing. 

"missed you yesterday. Had no one to take my muffins."

He says with the strongest smile he can manage after yet another night of persistent nightmares. Todd groans.

"i had afterschool detention. then we got a stupid mission. Which sucked 'cause those x-nerds showed. Buncha jerks.”

Todd huffs, shoving a muffin in his face. Remy feels a rush of relief. so nothing to do with him. of course its nothing to do with him. He is just being...

Whatever.

[derww]

for @heartcircus.

its not like zam actually tries to talk: he stands, carefully holding his notes, just staring at spawn, noticing one familiar face after another, feeling like all thoughts in his head became too heavy, and then just. turns around. and leaves.

you know, all of the princezam nature is to oppose, is to fight. but the last seasons taught him about just how important it is to appreciate people around, to do not only for yourself but for them too. and just today he promised to not interfere with mapicc's plans.

he can't fight, but he can't support. so he leaves. first time in many days, he has no words to say anymore.

all of it is just too familiar, and memories of the past cloud his mind and make every part of his body weak and stale. story repeats itself, and hed hate to see it continue and weave hemself into it, so he does not. i need some time to be alone, he says to derapchu and goes almost to the border – to sunny hill, surrounded by snow-capped mountains.

this time something in it reminds him too heavy. he doesn't build a castle. instead, he builds a hut.

it's not so bad, he says to himself, laying firewood in the stove, it's not season 4 anymore, noone will backdoor the server and mapicc will stop. sooner or later. i cant fight him, but i dont have to. everything will end. and then ill go back.

he feels so fucking tired. only now he understands just how tired he is. so he lies down. and sleeps. and sleeps. and sleeps.

it never gets better; the tombstone of exhaustion only presses him down harder and harder. he sleeps and sees dreams. he cooks himself food and eats it, feeling no taste. he plants flowers and takes care of them. sometimes he talks to derapchu. he never tells where he is.

only in so slow time he suddenly understands just how misplaced he is. he's patch on patch, stitched over and over again with scraps of fabric, no matter how worn or unsuitable they may be, over and over and over, stitched with scars running through his spine. he is a trace of something forgotten, overlaid by images of other people and experiences, accustomed to it so much that it feels like himself. he sleeps and sees no nightmares. maybe it's for the worse.

so far from anyone, without any real goal, Immersed deep into himself, he easily starts missing hours, days, and weeks. time doesn't feel real, and he, at the end, too. people write him. sometimes he answers. he never agrees to meet.

i'll go back when the mawn thing will be over; he promises to derap but hardly believes in it himself. something makes him feel like he has nothing to come back to. this house is also not his home, but it's at least silent here.

derap persists, but in the end he gives up too. and, in the end, he is left alone. he grows dandelions in the field around. when an unfamiliar flower appears in the field, he does not prevent it from growing nearby.

he blinks and feels like he missed a whole week. sometimes he just lies there and doesn't move. he doesn't feel the softness of the pillow, the springy floor under his feet, and, after all, he doesn't feel pain either. a ringing void freezes in his head. he feels tired, but sleep doesn't help.

he missed a moment something changes.

something about how the world exists around him. something about how forest smells like. something about how the grass is rustling under his feet. something is wrong, but he barely makes himself care. it doesn't matter, not really, but time still slows down. he slowly dips his hands into the loose earth, feeling the coolness and texture. nothing here belongs to him, but that's not the point. he plants some poppy seeds. one of them ends up in a pot on his windowsill.

i'm fully okay, he says to derap while not being able to remember what he ate today, i'm just in retirement for now. i will go back to you, i promise. i just need some time.

the boards under his feet creak differently. sometimes something whistles, like an unfamiliar bird. sometimes it seems to him that the grass next to the house is crushed.

isn't this a true peaceful life, he asks himself. to run away from everything and be alone. in the end, there is no way to harm anyone if you are alone. he feels like he was running a marathon all this time and only now stopped.

he adds blue orchids, but their blue is drowning in the red. he takes the smallest orchid inside and turns it into a magnificent flower. In a moment of weakness, he takes the cornflower inside. the next one turns out to be an orange tulip. he doesn't comprehend it.

is it what i wanted in season four, he asks himself. this place strangely reminds him of it. he reminds himself of it, too, allowing himself to feel anything. he still can't decide if it's a good thing. 

the rain is pounding on his window. someone is knocking on his coffin lid. poppies fill the whole field.

i miss them, he writes on a paper. but i can't go back yet. not while spawn is someone's. not while i have to fight my best friend.

when he comes back from the forest, his house still keeps warmth. his footsteps are echoing, and his diary is open by the wind. i miss being able to decide, this page says. i was good at it once.

he doesn't feel sick. he feels dump. the green in his cape is starting to fade.

sometimes it seems to me that i won't be able to overcome this, he writes. but I know i can handle it. i always can. i will overcome anything. i just can't give up.

the forest smells of pine and fir, and it has not been lost in the trees for a long time, wandering far beyond the edge. the forest always brings him back when he wants to. it never holds him by force and generously supplies him with tree cones and wet moss. he always comes back because he has nowhere to go.

this time, when he comes home, he has a visitor. he is not surprised: he calls them by name, nods, makes tea from fir needles.

mapicc rests his head on his elbows.

– lets go home, – he says. zam shakes his head.

– to mawn? – he asks.

mapicc squints.

– yes.

– i won't.

– why.

zam looks at him almost regretfully.

– because i refuse to fight you, – he answers simply, – and i will have no choice but to.

– even fighting me is much better than- than whatever this is, – mapicc remarks irritably.

– i don't want to fight you ever again, – zam signs, – i know you like me as your enemy. i do not.

– you don't have to fight me. join me.

– i hate everything you've created, – he answers with pity, – and i can't change it. please, leave me alone. do whatever you want to do. and one day i'll be able to go back.

– i dont understand why you oppose it so much. you haven't even given it a try. is it, like, that bad? people love it; you can love it too.

zam shakes his head.

– did you really come to convince me to love what I hate?

– i came to invite you to my thing.

– not this time.

in the end, mapicc still leaves. only after that zam takes his floor apart to find a secret passage under the boards. it leads to a dug-out underground room filled with anything. there are books everywhere. an unmade bed. and a pot with a dandelion in the middle of the makeshift countertop.

mapiccs room, says the sign. he adds a glow ink to it and looks around again.

for an infinitely long moment he considers just starting to live here.

[darlingdaisyfarm]

hey! im sorry to make another post like this, but i feel like i need to say some things. because honestly, if i don’t, i won’t be able to move on from it.

further text under the cut because i don’t want to flood your feed with this

when i posted that anon message, i wasn’t expecting.. well, anything, really. i just felt very awful, i dumped my feelings out because i got emotional and i was ready to just delete this app and not come back. i thought, okay, that’s it, i embarrassed myself for the last time, im done. but when i came back, suddenly there were all these kind messages from people telling me they care, and i think it’s only because of you all that i’m still here. you all mean so much to me, i don’t think i’ve ever felt this supported in my entire life. i don’t know what i did to deserve this kind of kindness, but it means everything to me. so thank you, thank you so much to everyone who didn’t just walk past me when i needed it the most, i really needed to hear that. i cant help but smile when reading your words. i appreciate each of you.

the truth is, that anon text hit me like a knife to the chest. and i hate that it did. i hate that i let a random person make me feel sick about my own hobby, my own blog and everything i’ve ever shared here. but the thing is i’ve always felt this way. hesitant, always unsure if i even have the right to take up space here, i guess a lot of that comes from the friendships i used to have.

because ive always been that friend. the one who listens, who gives. who’s always there when someone needs to vent, to cry, to talk about their passions, struggles or random thoughts. and i never minded, i loved being there for people. but when i tried to share smth about me, it was always met with indifference. like what i had to say wasn’t worth anything. and after years of that, i started believing it myself. even now, posting this, i still feel awkward. like, it’s hard for me to even write this without thinking, should i delete this before anyone sees it? that’s where the anxiety comes from and it’s smth im still working through

so when that anon said what they did, it was like hearing all of my worst thoughts spoken out loud. as if they reached inside my brain, pulled out every insecurity i’ve ever had, and threw it right in my face. ive always felt like im being too annoying. i know i post a lot, but every time i cant help but feel so cringe about it. and i fight it because i dont like being constantly embarrassed for just being myself, but it’s exhausting.

so yeah, when i saw that message, i just felt so damn embarrassed about everything, like i was making a fool of myself this entire time and just didn’t realize it and i hate feeling that way.

and the part that really got to me was the comparison. it hurt more than anything, it made me feel like no matter how hard i try, ill never be enough, that all the effort, all the time, all the small moments of pride i let myself have were just misplaced. i know I’m not perfect, i know there are better writers, faster writers or just people who seem to create more interesting ideas or plots or describe characters way better, but i didnt mind? i mean i was just trying to find space where i can express myself without fear, but then that comparison just made me feel so sick of myself. like “oh look, they’re better, so mb you should just give up.” it made me feel like i don’t have the right to take up space here at all

its hard to explain, but that comparison just made me feel like i was less than

i wouldn’t say i’m a perfectionist, but i am very critical of my writing. i put a lot of effort into my stuff, especially since english isn’t my first language. it’s twice as hard to make sure my sentences are right, that i didn’t mess up the grammar, that i used the right words. and when you pour so much effort into smth and then someone just comes and shits all over it, it kills any desire to create or continue smth. makes you feel like maybe you shouldn’t create anything else. hell, i know that sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels. and i hate that i’m letting this ruin smth i loved

and the part about taking too long to update... i don’t know what to say to that, i’m not a machine, i write when my brain lets me. when i have an idea, an image in my head, when i feel inspired. and i did have inspiration. i spent a whole week writing that last fic, actually enjoying the process, i felt proud of it, which is rare for me. excited to share it with people. and for what?

and the worst part is, i was planning to start posting my art too. i wanted to finally get out of my comfort zone, to share smth i’ve been afraid to share for so long. but if this is the kind of reaction i get for just writing, then what the hell is gonna happen when i post art? i blocked the last anon who sent me hate, so this is someone new then? meaning there’s two people now who actively dislike me enough to go out of their way to make sure i know. and i know, i know, i shouldn’t care about whether people like me or not. but fuck, it’s hard, i’m a professional overthinker, and unfortunately, i don’t think i’ll be quitting that job anytime soon.

i already had so much going on in my personal life. so much i was trying to get off my mind by being here, writing, sharing things that make me happy, talking with people. and then i open this app and see that, and suddenly it’s like, what’s even the point?

i know i’m being a sensitive crybaby. i hate to be this way. and i get that it’s the internet, and people can be jerks and assholes. but i REALLY don’t understand how much poison you have to have in yourself to send this hateful shit to a complete stranger. i just don’t get it. i’ve never left hate on anything, not even on stuff that isn’t for me. it just feels so pointless?

and as for the thing about Stan’s speech in my fics - im not american. english isn’t even my first language. and you have no idea how much effort it takes to get his voice even close to what it should be, he is one of the hardest characters for me to write. so fuck you, anon, you suck. genuinely

but... as much as that anon’s words gutted me, the kindness i received in response meant even more, it reminded me of why im here in the first place. to share things i love, to create, to talk with people who actually care. what im trying to say is thank you for making me feel less alone. i’m honestly just.. overwhelmed, in the best way. i was drowning in self-doubt, and your kindness and support pulled me out. i don’t take it for granted. i love all of you ♡♡ ive read all your messages, and ive never felt SO damn appreciated

[torusbvnny]

VAMPIRE!SUGURU

cw: none..? beginner writing perhaps

a/n: first writing post or general post in dis new blog lmk if enjoyed or if u want another part which i doubt ill make.. constructive criticism welcme js pls dont be needlessly mean 2 me im sensitive

“darling, you can’t stay on this strike forever.” 

there it was, again. his grating voice. suguru hadn't shown how much you ignoring him truly affected him—at least, not yet. but you knew after a week already that he'd grown impatient. 

you were actually surprised he'd lasted as long as he had, though you guessed centuries alive—or rather, undead—had given him a better sense of patience. 

you huffed, rolling your eyes. they weren't as vivid as his deep purple ones which you could feel glaring at you from across the room. 

still, you didn't speak. 

he let out a deep sigh. even that sounded elegant—or petulant—and it irritated you further—the effortless grace suguru possessed from living lavishly for hundreds of years. 

“soon enough, my dear, you'll understand why i did what i did. i can't live without you-” 

you snorted. as if he were even alive in the first place. 

he took a second to speak again, his own irritation growing. 

“i know you're angry, but look on the bright side. you have the gift of immortality. your beauty—a timeless one—will live on forever. think of the lives you can live.” 

his voice had grown pleading as he approached you, his hands snaking up your arms.

“why would the lives I'm able to live now matter to me, if I'm forced to live them with you?” you bit out, pulling away from his suffocating grip. 

“i may have felt something for you before, but how could i possibly love you after what you've done? not just to me, but to the many people whose lives you've taken—just to sustain your own?”

you sucked in a deep breath before speaking again. 

“i don't want to become like that, like you. a monster.”

he took a while to respond. long enough you’d thought—hoped—that he'd left. but you knew he hadn't. 

he chuckled, a soft, dark sound that immediately set your spine straight. 

“too bad you don't have a choice anymore, darling.” suguru spoke softly, his tone sweet yet laced with the promise of violence.

suddenly, he was behind you, his arms wrapped around your waist, and his lips brushing against your ear as he whispered again.

“too bad i don't care about how you feel anymore. you're mine, my creation. and you'll grow to enjoy it.” 

his dark presence and the threat behind his words left you breathless, unable to move within his grip. 

“i'll see to that.” 

[ppnuggiexxx]

Helloo may I bother you for your ratings on the whb demons you think have the best head game?

oooo yess !! <33 ill give some of my insight ,, though i think my opinions may differ from most ! these got kinda long :0 so the rest are under the read more !! ^^ tysm for asking :)) ,, i kinda did it on who from each nation gives best head . idk if this was meant to be a general ask or an actual request 😭😭but if its a request feel free to resend it with characters you might want :3 !!

from gehenna ,, i think leraye and astaroth would be the best with head . leraye is more on the eager side and desperate to please ,, happy to do something good for you and yearning to make sure youre pleasured . the piercing on his tongue would at extra stimulation ,, and his horn is perfect for grabbing and moving him to where you want him .

astaroth is more experienced in the subject ,, interested in re-enacting scenes of those he affiliates himself with . scenes from books often add oral scenes between the main characters ,, hearing their voice read out the scene for him . he’s quick to fulfill the other character ,, treating his partner of the time just how the character would in the book .

from hades i think foras would be best at it overall ,, with barbatos being a close second . foras wants to please you ,, more than happy to . he’d be jealous if it were someone else you were asking ,, unless it be leviathan . in his h-scene we got to see some of it ,, half invisible and using his tongue to prep you . the chains on his horns also are great for grabbing and redirecting wherever you want him to ,, making angling him up more to lick at your clit or move him down to focus more on the rest instead .

from tartaros mammon and valefor would be the best . bimet only falls into the category should you give him a pretty penny for it ,, then we may see what he gave us in his h-scene . for mammon ,, he wants you to want him ,, to yearn for him and have the need to covet him to yourself . hes happy to do what his master wants ,, if it means you wont hold back on your desires .

valefor was more on the softer and gentler side of sex in his h-scene (or i think from when i last read it) . despite knowing mammon has an eye for you ,, he cant help but want to please you himself . he wants you to be the one to come to him ,, to want him to give you pleasure . and he’ll gladly drop to his knees and lay on his back ,, whichever you prefer ,, should you come to him instead .

from abyssos ,, i think they all would be good should they try in a way . not to say theyre not good ,, but bael is overworked most the time and when he gets the chance to enjoy time with you ,, he may fall asleep fast and be sloppy with his oral . stolas has a big mouth a lot to say when you ask him to give you oral ,, but does it nonetheless but with a lot of extra steps (him having a lot to say about the situation) . beelzebub isnt there most the time but when you do he may forget if you planned it at a later time . unless its right then and there ,, he may not be able to help himself but be rough and take a few bites into your thighs ,, hard enough to draw blood . he may get so into it he won’t let you rest until all you can do is have empty orgasm after another . pussy game so strong it makes mfs cannibals 😔👊 and amon ,, he would probably be your safest bet . naberius if you catch him on a good day too ,, being part dog does have it perks at times . <3

for paradise lost morax would be best . say im biased all you want (might be 😿) but he would be the best especially if youre not used to hell’s intensity yet . he could walk you through ,, actually communicate what youre both okay with doing and what feels best for you . though i hope you dont mind his face being covered in partially bloody bandages for the most part . he’ll remove enough to make room for his tongue but thats the most he’ll do . he’s a little worried to scare you off with how mangled his face may be ,, how scarred and charred and broken it may be under his bandages . <//3 though he’ll be gentle and bring you a wonderful orgasm ,, and more if you’re wanting it .

for niflheim ,, beleth would be a good choice tied with andrealphus . beleth is more nicer than belphegor when it comes to pleasure . while belphie would rather sit back and take ,, beleth knows the struggles of being on the opposite side . he’ll be nice about it or rough depending on how you want him to be . he could bring you to an intense orgasm through edging and stimulation to the spots you feel pleasure through most ,, or he could hold your hips down and drive you insane from how many hes already given you .

andrealphus likes to touch you and feel you . he may be blind but he doesnt let it stop him from giving you pleasure however you wish . he takes his time with you ,, going slow and wanting to pleasure you thoroughly . his hands wander you body ,, trying to find whats best for you and what you dont care for . though he knows to focus on the clit for optimal stimulation ,, unless you get more from being fingered . he’ll slip his long and dainty fingers inside and massage them at the top where youll feel most pleasure from .

for abbadon ,, i truly will be biased but i fear ronove would take the crown <3 hes truly so fine i need him carnally 😕 but listennnn ,, i mentioned it in earlier oral hcs involving him and ill mentiomed it again ,, the struggle of seeing him give oral with the ball gag still on would be so fun . it’ll bump into your clit ,, his drool and tongue trying to peak out from the gag to make for messy oral . unless you take it off him and let him give oral that way (nakey) . sitting on his face would be better unless you want to ravaged ,, though that wouldnt be so bad either . he’s like andrealphus where he takes his time though his is more so to edge you through yours to bring you to an intense orgasm that will surely fulfill you lust and his curiousity . he wonders how long until you tap out from him .

[s0apmactav1sh]

Part 2 of Widowed!King!Price x Devoted!Knight Reader.

Knight!You who suddenly finds yourself wandering the castle during the night after your conversation with Price unable to stop the words that were constantly repeating within your mind. Why had the king seemed so interested on why you hadnt any body? Did he not appreciate your willingness to deprive yourself of the love and touch of another so you wouldnt worry more about them than him?

Of course you were constantly distracted now, letting guards you sparred with take you down so easily all over being stuck inside your own head. And this wasnt sitting right with King!Price who was wondering why his prized knight now suddenly couldnt beat the other royal guards like you used to.

King!Price who ends up calling you to a meeting in his chambers. Forget the throne room or his royal office. His chambers were where he'd like to speak to you. And like the loyal soldier you were, you were there on the dot entering in after he gave you permission. Other guards and servants around the castle certainly found this strange but it was by the request of your king.

King!Price who doesnt even allow you to speak your reasons. He's just so disappointed that youve lowered your standards. Thats not what a knights meant to do and he makes sure you know that in the most humilating way possible. By having you on your knees looking up at him while he smiles down at you, your head tilted up by the grasp he has on your hair. And its not to be mean, no Price could never. Your his prized knight after all.

"Wheres that devotion gone? Have you suddenly lost it. Is that why your letting those pathetic guards beat you down?"

At that he can see the shame that washes over your face. He wasnt meant to see or hear about your faults. You were meant to be perfect in his eyes no matter the cost. Didnt he understand that the only reason you were acting the way you were was because of him. Your loyalty and devotion for your king ran as deep as the oceans and nothing could change that. So how could you make it up to him? How could you get rid of that disappointed look in his eyes that was practically like the devils glare to you. By offering yourself to him.

"No. My king. Please my devotion and loyalty still lays in your palms. Take what you need of me. Leave me as nothing more than filth if you please, just dont be disappointed in me."

And as those words came tumbling from your lips King!Price knew he had you. He would always have you. Even if any others came along and tried having you for themselves he knew your eyes would always stray back to him because he was your god. You worshipped the ground he walked on, took in his words like water and kept the sight of him embeeded in your brain just for a reminder that he was your king.

Plus who was to blame him when he accepted your offer of yourself? He had already been without a warm body in his bed for a few months because of his late husbands death. What did it matter that he filled that empty spot beside him with your body instead. What did it matter that he filled himself with your cock at the end of every day to make up for the months without any relief.

And like the devoted knight you were, you complied with his ever ask. If he needed you youd remove yourself from your duties, replacing yourself with a capable knight to continue them to rush to him and give him exactly what he wanted. Which more than likely was your cock in his hole while he worked, relaxed or even when he was "napping". You would always come running and he knew it.

-

Am have this Ig? Does it tie in with the last part not at all. I literally need to sleep 😭 its been nearly 3 days without and im barely able to register whag I wrote. Ill make a part 3 in a few days thats just smut for this.

@rodolfoparras

[lynnthefrenchtoast]

The Tragedy of Qijiu; Analysis

aka: reason why Yue Qingyuan and Shen Jiu make me ugly sob

1. the things left unsaid

the most poignant part of the novel for this ship is this line: "Too late. It was already too late! Shen Jiu was no longer here. He would never again be able to hear Yue Qingyuan’s words, never ever.”

and again, in the character notes: "He (sy) is no longer the intended recipient of this favor. Yue Qingyuan will have to find his own closure, as the person he looks for behind the new Shen Qingqiu’s eyes will no longer return.”

READ THAT SHIT. READ IT. ISNT IT TRAGIC???

ygy and sj spent their whole lives since they were little kids with unspoken words between them, longing glances, misunderstandings and hidden affections. you know who else does that? THE MAIN COUPLE OF SCUMS VILLAIN: luo binghe and shen yuan.


EXCEPT

we get to watch them fix their misunderstanding. we get to watch binghe realize he was never hated for his heritage. we get to watch shen yuan realize he is saved from retribution for sins he never committed. this is a privilege qijiu never gets.

the worst part? they almost get it.

because yue qingyuan does, in (what he believes are) his final moments, try to communicate. it's the beautiful cliche "im dying so ill tell you everything" except its not beautiful because the person he needs to tell is GONE. he was gone the whole time and YUE QINGYUAN DOESNT EVEN KNOW:

2. YUE QINGYUAN'S SOULMATE IS DEAD AND HE DOESNT KNOW

is that not like INSANE???

like yeah, the person you love dying is tragic. but its even more tragic that they were so distant he cannot even tell shen jiu and shen yuan apart. he will never know his beloved is gone from the world; he is not even awarded the privilege to mourn

and he can NEVER know. sy is literally prohibited by the system from telling him. so happens is:

3. YUE QINGYUAN MUST FALSELY BELIEVE HIS SOULMATE REJECTED HIM FOR ANOTHER GUY

+

4. yue qingyuan fails shen jiu at each and every opportunity

can you IMAGINE? he got into cultivation to save his xiao jiu from the qiu manor. he failed. he became the leader of the sect to be a man shen jiu could one day respect. shen never respects him (even shen yuan canonically is like "dude wtf? this is the sect leader; shen jiu treats him so disrespectfullt?") . yue qingyuan tries to protect shen jiu from luo binghe - fails. tried to save him after receiving his two legs in the mail but failed and died trying. tries to save shen yuan - shows up too late and shen yuan gets poisoned without a cure. tries to take on debt for shen yuan - shen yuan wins the spirit stones. tries to fight mobei jun - fails and shen jiu falls into depression because he lost binghe due to his failure. tried to lock up a heavenly demon - succeeded! but that ultimately led to the birth of the even stronger heavenly demon who goes on to torture his beloved for a decade.

yue qingyuan is a man in power without the power to succeed at the one thing he needs to.

conversely, shen jiu, a little slave with no name or power changed his live. when yqy needed him, shen jiu selflessly stepped in danger's way and saved him successfully. yqy never repays his debt even though he tries so hard.

and then his xiao jiu falls in love with the young demon boy who wreaks havoc and kidnaps him and kinda treats him like shit. he fails at earning shen jiu's love too.

5. yue qingyuan never finds out that shen jiu loved him.

shen yuan likely believed yue qingyuan abhorred him. what shen yuan feels for yue qingyuan is likely a mix of "you betrayed me so i must hate you + you hate me so in return i must hate you. but in reality if you were to look close i dont hate you at all. but ill act like i do because i must hate you."

yue qingyuan though? there was no question. his feelings for shen jiu were always love and shen jiu will never know that, so there will never be a chance for shen jiu to change his mind, to not think "you do not hate me so i do not have to hate you, you love me so i can love you"

this kinda ties into the "words left unsaid" point EXCEPT at least shen jiu gets one time where he finds out how yqy feels. yqy never ever in any universe finds out. he thinks shen jiu is determined to never call him qi-ge again.

6. but even when shen jiu gets to find out yue qingyuan loves him, it is the most tragic way of doing so

i want you to imagine:

you love this person. you trusted them and they betrayed you. you hate that they make you feel weak so you place distance between you two. they look down on you so you respond in turn, with harsh words and harsher actions.

and then they die a horrific death- stabbed by ten thousand arrows- to come save you.

you realize they never meant to betray you, never looked down on you.

you were so mean and distant for nothing.

you cannot say sorry. they are dead. it is your fault.

shen jiu so eagerly wrote that letter to yqy, not because he wanted to escape torture but because he was so confident yqy wouldnt come.

he didnt come last time, so why did he come now!?

EXTRA

they are the epitome of the childhood friends to lovers & "i loved you all along" trope. they have seen each other in every stage of their loves and still, in their convoluted way, loved each other even with all the tension between them

golden retriever x black cat

yue qingyuan totally spoils shen qingqiu. if he tolerates that level of disrespect? yk damn well qing jing peak is never short of funding

shen jiu really is in desperate need of being loved. he like, is a character that claims he doesnt care to be liked but we all know its human nature to want to be appreciated and loved. "i dont need you to love me" "i love you" "oh"

the potential for a: "i dont need your pity" "its not pity i just care about you" or a "why do you even care?" "because i love you" or a (as catra and adora say) "i know you all hate me!" "i never hated you" dialogue drop

the potential for a deku -> izuku moment. i mean yue qingyuan literally canonically foreshadows it: "are you so determined to never call me qi-ge again?"

misunderstood x "i see past your mask" (ive written more about this dynamic in my lynaether post tumblr wont let me link but the in summary: blablabla human desire to be understood and human tendency to self sabotage and hide your flaws yada yada "i hold the ugliest parts of you up to the lie and dont even flinch")

FEEL FREE TO ADD UR EXTRA BULLET POINTS IN THE COMMENTS

[lzrsaugust]

Tamlin headcannons (w/ a lil doodle) for @tamlinweek

( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )

Day 1: Forgiveness/Change

headcanons/plot ideas that I have been thinking of but never got around to writing, maybe I will some day, but I might as well put the ideas out rn :D

(I yap a lot and this is stream of thought kind of typing and its not edited so... be warned, and forgive my spelling)

Lil pink one was what I prepared originally but I didn't like it so heres a wip Ill never finish; genderbend sad boi (gorl) Tamlin

hmmmm... idk much about forgiveness, but sometimes I like to think abt before he became high lord?... something something family drama, something something explore his family's characters' relation to him and stuff

the only thing we really kinda know abt the brothers is that they would abuse Tam, and my headcanon is that this is part of his father's manipulations. Their father (imma call him Cernunnos for now, plz dont come after me i havn't had the time to research deeply yet), would pit the brothers against each other. which lowk ties w/ another headcanon that 1. children of spring come in pairs,especially that of high lord's family, 2. Cernunnos would kill his own children. So Tam used to have many elder siblings who rebeled against their father and died, b/c they worked together and was able to almost overthrow this tyrant, Cernunnos then started to sepereate his children via sepereate education, torture and stuff. he would use shapeshifting powers to impersonate the brothers to torment (as in torture and stuff) the others and create rifts in their relationship, keeping them controlled and mostly trusting in him, hes like a sweet manipulator rat better take notes.

ANYWAYS BACK TO FORGIVENESS, at some point, Tamlin and the brothers find out. (oh btw the brothers are one of the surviving set of twins, and tam either had a twin, who died/was killed at birth, or was born alone plot reasons) The twins themselves are already pretty tight, they have a lil bit of an age gap- im thinking 20-25 ish years right so, they find out when tams 20-30 ish so at least 2 decades after the human war. at first shit is awkward, like bro i thought u sliced and diced and dissected me (shapeshifting powers dont ask, ill elaborate day uh 4); so they try civility, One of the brothers have a lover and illegitamate (technically since they arn't married) and they bond and stuff right, and they slowly start to trust and like bond as brothers :D

the twins being trained to be heirs know how bad of a state the spring court is in, how the tyranny of Cernunnos is destroying their court. so they plot to overthrow him, doing more bonding and healing :D

a couple months later the incident w/ the night court happens and his fresh bonds w/ his brothers are abruptly severed. that started out as Cernunnos calling all his sons into his office, presenting the bodies of the lover, child and tams friend- The night court princess, they fight and the spring mansion turns into an open battleground, they have a huge fight and the twins protecting Tam, gets injured, then rat and his father come and then shit goes down.

for the longest time Tam struggles with forgiving himself, if his brothers wern't injured protecting him they would have survived, if they were more careful, things would be better. centuries later, as spring falls to hybern he kinda relives this and he really just stuggles with forgiving himself, hes too much of a softie and cares too much and is too perceptive and self aware to blame anyone else

that probably made little sense but tldr; more angst for Tam, bc life hates him

Moving on to change,

I was kinda thinking of how Tam essentially had to rebuild his court 3.5 times kinda, 1.the first time when he became high lord, 0.5 when ammyranthy comes in with her special bran of tyranny (him accepting refugees into his court and the chaos of what rat does), 2, when her reign ends, 3 after hybern, so my boi is really going through it

following the death of his family, hes really going through it, the old corrupt officials of the court try to take advantage of him and stuff, and like he can see how the old way aint gonna do shit if he really wants to build a court where people canhave the freedom he won't ever truely get

so in the attempts to change the ruling system as, he kicked all of the officials out of the court (the corrupt ones), he just listed names at a meeting, and went "xyz, abc, def. and so, youre now exiled from the capital (or smth) you may go"

tactless and an absolute disaster, those nobles/officials then went on to spread rumors about how, theyre being replaced as the start of a new tyrant's reign, uh timeline wise, hes about 60 ishhh bc fae age slowly hes pretty much a teen on the throne, which just givesmore ammunition to his enemies in court. reputation in tatters, he continues to try to fix spring, he cant just abandon them bc shit is hard, no matter what happened with his father this is still his home. so he tries, by day hes tryna pull stuff together with the remaining officials, by night studying court customs, laws and other stuff he needs to know but never got a chance (or really wanted to) learn.

i headcanon that he tried to change the system so that the people has a say in what happens and stuff, after sometime and kicking the corrupt people out (or before), he goes and visits each corner of his court, check in on the people, get to know them, see what they want, propose them choose someone to represent their region or species or both, to build a council for democracy and shit (fae that he grows to trust to shut him up if hes being stupid) around this time, while living like a nomad going around his court, his somewhat friendly aquaitence (?????) eris, sends a message (personally i think this is his first time meeting lucien) and they take him back to spring.

time passes, the the court grows and florishes, inner court peace, everyone gets along and stuff, rainbows and sunshines yipee! he even has allies in other court (largely a cortesy of Lucien, its not that Tam doesn't have friends in other courts, eris, former heirs of summer and winter ect, tam just sucks when dealing with official stuff) then amyranthy happens.

😮‍💨 oh boy.. anyways

refugees move in, all sorts of fae, low budget elves, faery, spirits and stuff, and slowly spring changes again, the acceptance of other court fae, the spring community, mostly accepting but cautious of other courts get more and more friendly with the refugees, and at some point, some of them become citizens of spring staying even after utm

after utm, rebuilding the court was still lowk hell. everything was pretty rough being overrun by amyranthy's, and the return of the high fae from under the mountain, things are mostly going smoothly bc of the council and stuff, but as Tam still insists on doing both the ruling part and clearing the monsters to not lose more sentry lives, hes stretched realll thin but its fine, its fine, idk what going on with canon, i think feyres pov is kinda fucked up for reasons (but i digress) i like to think that while it used to start out for taxes, it no longer is, its more of a gathering, of the people, for a 10 days or smth, they come together, celebrate meet with the high lord, open booths for buisnesses and trade and its over all a very celebratory thing that happens yearly (most taxes are already collected, by region and those in charge.)

anyways after the shitshow of feyre, its like the 3rd time he has to pull his court together and at this point hes fucking tired, but his like nah i gotta be there for spring, swore his loyalty and stuff, and his council is like, nah get out of here take a break, which is not really a great idea bc hes in a poor mental state to be left alone.

through all of this, he went from being a happy child, to being a soldier, then forced to wear the crown. he did it well considering his background.

born a poet, forced to be the soldier- then the king ૮(˶ㅠ︿ㅠ)ა

eheeh mightve gone a lil bit off topic ദ്ദി(｡•̀ ,<)~✩‧₊

[enchantedsword]

au were mk is wukongs bio kid but its still similar to canon in that he wasnt supposed to be born for many many years. okay this is gonna be a shit explanation but ill do my best to make it make sense.

mk is supposed to be born with both wukong and macaque as his parents(macaque was always fated to come back) in the more traditional way. but nine headed demon who we'll say became "friends" with wukong during that five hundred years after sealing demon bull king, used some sort of spell/magic to basically have wukongs magic/life force/essence(whatever you want to call it) create a child on its own without another parent without wukong getting suspicious about it, since there are occasions a celestial pregnancy can occur like this.

however this is still not a good thing for wukong because even with all his strength and power a child(at least a celestial one) still needs two parents or at least another trusted person to help provide it energy/life force during pregnancy and for about 3 years after so the baby(mk) is only feeding from wukong, so much so that he's extremely weak by the time he gives birth and isnt even back to full power/health until mk would be unlocking his own powers. theres also the fact mk is still the harbinger of chaos and not just a normal celestial child so he would end taking more from wukong.

also playing with the idea that giving birth burned through the pills and wine of immortalities maybe even a third one or at least half of another one, thats how difficult/dangerous this pregnancy and birth was for him without a partner to help. i do think he would call a temporary truce with PIF at least towards the end of his pregnancy because he knows he wont be able to actually give birth alone, and shes been through this before and she'd be the only one he trust to help him even with all thats happened between them.

now this opens the opportunity for nine headed demon to steal mk, however im unsure if i want him take him when hes a newborn and have wukong think that his child is dead due to not being able to give him the power/energy he needed during pregnancy, or if he waits until mk is about 2 like in canon before he takes him, turns him human and erases wukongs memories of himself and mk. either way he does erase himself from wukongs memories.

i dont have a lot for this au but i do know season 4 and 5 would be one hell of an emotional roller coaster for everyone, the scroll giving hints that mk isnt human and somehow related to wukong but not clear on the how. im honestly leaning towards mk being taken as a baby and wukong believing he didnt survive childbirth and the scroll itself showing mk the wukong has a baby that "died", instead of being shown the rock. technically he could be shown that in either version i choose to use. but if i choose this option i feel like wukong would start piecing things together a lot quicker then in canon, cause an 18-20 year old kid shows up being able to use the staff and with all his powers 18-20 years after the baby he had "dies", i think that would raise a lot of flags for him and would have him talking to PIF(whos memories of the birth would have also been tampered with) to figure if they have any actaul inconsistencies in the memories of that day.

then theres the option of mk being taken when hes 2 and wukong having all memories of anything to do with him taken, and never questioning why this random kid has his powers, and then mk is shown the scene with wukong and a baby, a baby thats very clearly not a normal monkey(something the scroll doesnt show wukong himself) and when he brings it up wukong is confused because hes never interacted with babies that werent part of the troop. this one also has PIF helping wukong through the birth of his child. but since mk wasnt taken until he was 2, her memories wouldnt be tampered with so she would remember where wukong doesnt, and wukong knows himself well enough that if he ever had a child theres only one person that he would trust to help him, so he would go to her and explain what was seen and what he doesnt remember.

[min-mrv]

GIGGLY BUG -(part 1)

pt.2 | pt.3 | pt.4

ler: gi-hun lee: in-ho

A/N: help this is my first fanifiction aaargghh this took sm but yh hope you like it!! a feedback would help alot 😋 i sadly cant remember much of s2 what they exactly talked abt and stuff, so sorry abt that but,i tried my best!!

Summary: in-ho has been feeling a little odd after the talk abt his wife with Gi-hun, the man that played these games before. suddenly, player 456 got an wonderful idea how to turn his frown upside down!

------------------------------------------------

Everyone had fallen asleep and another game was defeated. most of those people there decided to stay, typing the O in the first round.

Gi-hun sat on the edge of his bed, staring blankly into the wall, thinking. the silence of the room echoed his thoughts, amplifying the emptiness he couldnt shake off. "will i ever be able to end this game? "what if i end up like last time and all of the new people i met would die infront of my eyes again.? "what if i would die? could they keep it out without me??" The weight of everything that happened pressed down on his chest. he was lost in his thoughts when suddenly, in-ho sat next to him. "excuse me" he said. Gi-hun came back to reality. "sorry if i came so unexpected. i found it difficult to fall asleep, and i saw that you had the same issue..i wanted to apologize, about what happened after the decide to stay or not." he told extra. "...no..its fine, i apologize also. i was out of line." gi-hun spoke, looking at in-ho's eyes. "my wife is very sick.."

Gi-hun attentively listened as In-ho shared his concerns about his ill and pregnant wife, comprehending every word he expressed. He regonized that number 001 teared up a little and felt down after ending the topic..oh boy, what's he gonna do now? "...it had been a while since i cheered up people.." he thought, feeling a little awkward.

In a moment of inspiration, Gi-hun conceived a brilliant idea, but wasnt sure if he should ACTUALLY do this. A little bit of cheer up tickles wouldnt hurt this sorrowful man right now, would it..?

While in-ho was looking down, entering more into darkness, gi-hun slowly reached his hands..aiming in-ho's sides. "please work, please work, please work..!" after a moment of silence, the quite room suddenly earned a sound of a squeal. There we go!

"...whahat are you..?"

"dont make any loud noises, alright?"

"whahaAHA-?! wahihit hohOLd on!!"

Gi-hun was also unsure what he brang himself into. He thought cheering up other ones, would maybe cheer up him too. he digged his fingers more into his new friends sides. In In-ho's mind, he didnt know what to feel either. Since when he has been this ticklish?? so many unanswered questions, but sadly no right answer. He could kick Gi-hun's face right now, but seems like the tickling made him weak.

"whahat is thihis fohohor?! people are sleheheping!!!"

"..you seemed sad. and instead of just staring at you, i thought i would help a little." gi-hun explained.

"we couhuhu- EHAHAHA wahihit wAIhihit CMOHOHON-! thihis is nohohot helpihing!!"

oh god. when was this going to end? and why..did his body suddenly unlock parts which wasnt even ticklish at all?? gi-hun's hands weren't making the situation any better!! slow-tickles were hell for this man. he hided his face with his hands, trying not to let out any weird noises, laying on gi-huns bed, in a giggly mess. Number 456 hands switched the spots and went up on his ribs, scribbling slowly up and down.

"you know, you remind me of my little daughter.. she was a squirmer like you" gi-hun added. now it was getting awkward. "did he just compare me to a little girl??" Gi-hun noticed his emberassment, he couldnt help but let out a little chuckle. "i thought you were a serios man huh..?" "QUIHIHIT IHIHIT!! ehehe- ihihim cheered uhup, sEehehehe?" his giggles turned into silent laughter, but sadly not for a long time. Gi-hun decided to go for his armpits now, finding this situation kinda adorable. "khahahaha! OHOHOKAY everhyhything but nohohot nOhohow! THIHIS is chihildish..ihihi cAhant!!"

"..." gi-hun chuckled even more. humans do have 2 sides. "not now, eh? you want to have more?" "shihihihit!!" in-ho was about to scream and shoot this man without any guilt, cursing the day he invinted him to this game.

Now, In-ho grabbed Gi-huns pillow and positioned it infront of his face, just letting the laughter go. Laughing like this..was a pleasant. he kinda enjoyed this moment, being clingy and everything without any intruptions. Gi-hun didnt mind this at all. He just thought that in-ho seemed to look like a little puddle, asking for tummy pats. laughing a little with him.

oh, humans do really have 2 sides.

aaaa my first fanific oh my oh myyyyyyy EEEEEE i think im abt to explode i aint THAT proud of this but like mwah im happy abt it ehe!!.

[localkittycat]

Ive seen a few creatures post about this, so here's my personal experience with physical and biological nonhumanity. :3

(and yes this is serious. all this became my reality after many years of blatant denial. its only recently that everything seems to have fallen into place and started making sense)

so, yes, I am a cat. fully and entirely. the way my body is perceived by outsiders seemingly fails to reflect my real form*, and i am unsure how or why. i feel and even see parts of my body that others just... don't. I've learned to accept my life being this way.

was i born this way? that's a very loaded question. for me, i think yes. i was born different, i was the odd one out, the humans around me seemed able to atleast sense that something was different. I've lived with that feeling for many years before i even realised that humans are unable to percieve my entire body at all. I've had to contort my body since the day i was taught to stand upright, but luckily as a feline I'm naturally quite flexible. though, i feel like I've unlearned some natural positions over the years with how it was drilled into me that it was wrong to sit and stand a certain way.

i experienced alot of traumatic things (both related to my nonhumanity and not) that have lead me into years of dissociation and denial. i am very disconnected from what is seen as my body*, but i still have to be aware and adapt because of it. its more annoying and exhausting than anything, i especially dislike human clothing. it's playing dress up. this paired with gender dysphoria has been a very difficult combo to manage. i dont dress this body up in the way many humans expect of me because of the genitalia i was born with. you can image the bigotry ive experienced related to this aswell.

roaming the environment i live in with my body, it becomes quite apparent that people think my body is wrong, i'm behaving wrong, i'm moving wrong. i sit down in ways that dont hurt my tail (dont get me started on how inconsiderate typical human spaces are), i wear headphones and hats in ways that dont injure my ears. i walk in a way that is natural to me- but i am often forced to/expected to put my paws down the way a human foot would. its not particularly comfortable, shoes help but i will struggle with this forever. luckily it is easy to blame this on other illness of mine that cause "abnormal posture", so humans think there's a ""real"" medical reason and i wont be seen as such a nutcase.

one part many don't talk about is sexuality. i have the drive of a cat, i have the instincts of a cat, i have the needs of a cat. I've learned the expectations and customs of human relationships and live happily by them knowing that's what my partner wants, it works out and i am very lucky to have him. and, yes, this means i see my real body in the bedroom too. and i act accordingly. my partner is entirely aware of my nonhumanity, and doesn't mind. he is unable to see the aforementioned body parts* so it is of little concern in the first place.

what's nice however is that, with how close our bond is, he seems to be able to sense them much more than any other human. it's like he can see the real me.

so, yeah. no, this is not particularly distressing or affecting my quality of life. i dont think this is anything diagnosable, nor do i care. i know I'm mentally ill, disabled, and frankly weird. but thats my life.

i dont think I'm any sort of secret experiment, or was born into a wrong body. i am just an anomaly. no matter how you as an outsider percieve me, it will never erase my reality. maybe I'm an SCP or something. lol

* my real form, the body parts I'm talking of inlcude the following; my paws, pawpads, my stripes, my tail, my nose, my whiskers, my ears and my fangs. i have those of a marbled cat.

* i am aware of how humans see me. i know what i look like from anothers perspective. i dont see this in the mirror, however pictures taken will often also not reflect my form correctly.

[patroxlos]

in another ask u said that reader feeds into his insecurities and worsens his abandonment issues could u explain it more? also loved how we got to know reader more in the last chapter it helps build character and made me think abt how much deep the reveal is gonna be (angst coming? 👀). tnks for the food💕

the angst will be coming! and they will be miscommunicating so much more than they are right now! im excited because ch8 is significant to establish the reader's motive >:) but to answer your question...

SUMMARY:

all will be revealed as the story progresses >:) i was intentionally vague in that ask because it hasnt been revealed in the story yet what caused you two to fall nearly out years ago, but that said im a yapper HAHAHA

your role as his childhood friend is significant bc u are tied to his past in japan, a place and culture he has very conflicting feelings about

he thinks you don't need him in your life esp because you're so confusing and indecisive about what you want from him

you both were very toxic for eo during your situationship.

If you want to see me yap about Kenji's abandonment and attachment issues, keep reading.

There is narrative purpose as to why I figured a childhood friend would fit in well with Ultraman: Rising's plot in itself

the movie is very family-centric, and a lot of how kenji achieves peace with himself in the film is by reconnecting with the past, be it his family or the culture he left behind

while i figured that it would be fun to write a reluctant team-up to lovers, bc ill be able to play around w kenji's personality pre-Emi, i also didnt see the place of a romance forming while he's struggling being a single mom

but i also wanted the story to take place during the movie's run bc i wanted to include Emi since she plays a big part in us learning who Ken is, so writing a fic that starts after the film didnt feel in the cards for me

since kenji grows as a person by the end of the film through making peace with his conflicting identities and his tumultuous past, i thought having a childhood best friend would make sense since i dont think he has the space to introduce anyone new in his life

bc reader is a childhood friend who he is meant to be close to, i cant write kenji interacting with reader the same way he is at the start of the film because there is a familiarity that breaks down his walls— which caused me to have a dilemma about how to characterize him

it also made me a bit sad that i cant write full-on ken sato the "egomaniac" bc i think thatll be fun since he's such a boyfailure

but that means that we see a softer ken when he interacts with reader, someone who is a bit more vulnerable with showing that he strives for further connections in his life even if he wants to look like he can do it all by himself

Kenji feels alone and disconnected from everyone, including you

it's also clear to the audience that kenji doesnt have any friends, and anyone he's friendly with is probably friends with him on a surface level. Ami states in their first interview that he is known as someone who keeps others at a distance, and who is untouchable

the team behind Ultraman: Rising did state that there is a deleted scene where he is clubbing, which is meant to show that he feels alone even in a sea of bodies. and his dad in the movie isnt surprised that he is throwing parties at his house, so it just clues us in that he probably lived life with very shallow connections and has filled his time with materialistic pursuits (e.g. his car collection...what he need a mclaren for)

i decided to make the reader someone from the 1% for two reasons: first being so that i can explain why her and kenji meet up over the years (i see a lot of friends who migrated to north america only once a year and we're still close!), and second, because i wanted you to be on the same playing field if not higher playing field than him.

Ken puts up the front that he doesn't need anyone else, but he is insecure about how he thinks you don't need him.

bc u have ur own things going on!! u have ur own friends

what makes it worse is that u genuinely think that kenji is the same. u think that since he's very successful, he would have his own thing

i havent touched up on it much yet, but it's very evident to kenji that you will readily pick yourself over him, which isn't a bad thing but it reminds him when his dad picked Ultraman over keeping his family together

ken feels like he can never be anyone's first choice or priority, and your situationship messes this up further

I haven't touched much on what happened between them yet in the story because it's building up to it, but

it soon feels for ken that youre only seeking him out on convenience. that he doesnt matter to you beyond what his body can do for you

bc spoiler: you are the villain in the situationship! you're the one who insists that everything is casual yet you keep the line blurry

^ karma is gonna get to u soon in the main storyline ure gonna be dry heaving when u realize u actually do want something with him

your constant back and forth with him will be revealed in the flashbacks... you not wanting more than a casual relationship yet youre talking abt what it would be like if you two got married???

Spoiler but during the situationship years, you're also the first one to say "I Love You" ROMANTICALLY yet youll later on backtrack and say that you didnt mean it in that way

can you blame him for getting confused and insecure about where you stand and whether or not he actually matters to anyone.

it doesnt help that his presence in your life is actively harming your reputation and career.

in ch8, it's briefly mentioned that ur media hate train is caused by ppl who are paying for bad press abt u starting from when you were 18. if you remember ch3-4, kenji freaks out abt a new article abt u two, and ch6 he was conscious of what others were saying.

one thing i want to elaborate in a separate post is that ken is AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT and reader is written to have DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT.

Even if Kenji is avoidant due to his trauma of abandonment (e.g. self-reliant, avoids social connections), he can't help but yearn to be with you

so it's so confusing to him bc with everyone else, he would want to leave first. and he's close to leaving you so many times

yet you keep making these promises, saying sweet things about how much you need him, that he cant help but get roped into it a bit

When he is younger, he's fully aware that it is not a healthy mindset, but even if you're just using him at least it means that he still gets to be in your life. It makes him feel needed.

in the present timeline, sometimes those thoughts definitely cross his mind but at present he is focusing on maintaining the boundary you guys set about strictly being friends

So far I hope you caught in the story [as of ch8] from the subtext or dialogue that

in the present timeline, you are both 26 years old

the situationship started when you were 16 and lasted until you were 23

bc ure both high profile starting when you were 18, and u both publicly seem a lot closer than what ure claiming to be, it is well-documented that you two kind of go back and forth with each other (think justin and selena/shawn mendes and camila cabello)

(a new photo recently surfaced of shawn and camila together at Copa América and ppl were kind of confused as to whether or not they got back together again after breaking up for like the fourth time and i was like omg... home base core...)

when you both were 23, three years ago, you two had a really bad falling out caused by your previous situationship

it caused you officially end it for good, and while you maintained your friendship for those three years you weren't able to properly see each other face to face (partly. bc covid is canon in the fic HAHAHA but i havent talked abt it)

yall dont know how to act around eo anymore like why a little eye contact making u nervous .... yall had ur privates in eo's mouths (kenji munch next chapter soon promise hihi)...

since it is revealed that a large part of the hate train against you is paid for by people who want you out of power, kenji as much as possible wants to avoid being seen as more than friends with you atm bc he's worried it will derail your career

SORRY if it felt like I didn't say anything at all since I don't want to reveal too much at this stage lmao but I can do my best to elaborate on any points of interest!

[lighthouseshepard]

I know you just had top surgery - how was it? How was the healing process? I’m scared to death of surgery but I desperately need these off

HI NYX!!! ok im gonna try and be as brief and concise as possible because theres honestly quite a lot i could talk about but! heres some thoughts under the cut

so honestly as someone who has had a few surgeries in the past for other medical issues - this ranked VERY low on the pain scale. maybe a 4/10 tops at its worst (although i do understand everyone is different). the surgeon kept telling me "many people do not find this operation particularly painful" and i did not believe him one bit until afterwards. i had prescription pain medicne and antibiotics to take, but honestly i only needed the prescription medicine for about 3 days, and then after that i was fine with tylenol. after a week really i didnt need to take anything consistently, it was here or there if i happened to start moving around too much.

the worst part for me overall was the BANDAGES. after you wake up youre gonna be wrapped within an inch if your life with ike 2 inches of gauze and tape and an ace wrap holding it all together. if you have drains (which i did) you can't shower until they're out and the bandages come off, anywhere from 5 to 7 days usually. mine was 7 days and i was miserable. the drain emptying wasnt that bad tbh, someone helped me the first 2 times and then i was able to do it myself afterwards. if youre bad with blood or bodily fluids then youll def need someone to help you there. the drain removal process, to be completely honest, was. also bad. it lasted maybe five seconds per drain but i didnt breathe right like they told me to and had a vasovagal reaction and passed out. i dont say this to dissuade you! but it was not pleasant

the main thing probably is gonna be stiffness and soreness. you literally won't be able to do anything with your arms for at least a few days - its bordering on 2 weeks for me and im just now able to pull a shirt over my head without stiffness. you DEFINITELY will need someone to help you with basic tasks those first few days, getting food, getting dressed, etc. some ppl get bruising on their chest just from the skin being manipulated and etc but surprisingly i havent had any bruising yet?

also!! again some places differ, but mine was a same day surgery. after a few hours of waking up i was able to be bundled into the car back to the hotel. youre gonna be really groggy but i was able to walk just fine, albeit very slowly with help. the surgery itself was the blink of an eye to me. i remember them putting an o2 mask over my face and then i was OUT. seconds later i was being dragged up out of unconscious well by the nurse's voice.

ill say too, i 100% understand the nervousness and fear. the 2 weeks leading up to the surgery were like. awful andnsnjf. i was so anxious and terrified of the pain only to find it genuinely was not that bad at all. you know the this too shall pass lighter i have. i slept with that clutched in my hand the entire night before surgery. it was very much a "do it scared" situation and having those things of comfort and reassurance whatever they are to you can help immensely. and i did do it! and the relief i felt a week after when i finally got to see made literally all of it worth it. theres still healing to go (i took a month off work also) but im taking it very slowly and trying not to rush enjoyment of this body c: most of the healing process has been letting the body do its natural work and being patient with it, a thing i am usually not. i still have to dress the area for another 2 weeks maybe, but then i can start scar care!!!

[autisticandroids]

Hi this is random but i was thinking about how compelling and bluntly accurate ur analysis of spn relationships are- i was curious if u migjt be willing to talk a little on how u see the relationship between sam and cas? When u talk about them im passing the abiding sense i get is that the defining element of their dynamic in ur eyes is miscommunication. Or maybe im just projecting cus what i see is two ppl who should be able to be in community in a meaningful sense- 2 ppl who are naturally rebellious, curious, and empathetic and who have those foundational traits slowly and agonizingly beaten out of them by their circumstances. And one element of that is the dean of it all. They are both deans closest companion one way or another- they should be able to relate to eachother and support one another when dean (affectionate) starts acting out of pocket. But! They! Dont!!!! But yeah what is the good of their relationship and what is the bad? Like not merely in how they interrelate w eachother and dean (altho he is of course inextricable from their relationship since he is the vector of connection) but like. Their specific dynamic. Whats up w that in ur beautiful mind

took me a while to answer bc i was looking for Posts. and here they are. these posts function as background and history of my pov even though i don't necessarily even still endorse every part of all of them. but i think they're an interesting jumping off point for an interested reader.

hey!!! this is a fun one to me. so fundamentally the sam-cas dynamic, to me, is about how solidarity is just not... possible between them.

well that's not exactly true. after season nine, it's about how solidarity is not possible between them. before then i haven't thought about it as much because to me that, carver era, eight through ten, is when cas kind of takes his place in the family dynamic, vs. just being an ally who mostly has his own shit going. i don't really have thoughts about pre-s9 sam and cas. there are a lot of ways you could read them but in the end i just don't think that relationship is as important before cas basically comes in from the cold in carver era.

anyway the thing that happens in season nine is, well. the gadreel thing. and its consequences.

so. in 9x01 dean makes a choice. and the thing about what dean does, in 9x01, is, well. it's kind of a perfect saw trap, isn't it. it's wrong. dean knows it's wrong. but how could he make any other choice? how could dean winchester ever have made any other choice? this is his prime directive. watch out for sammy. look out for your little brother, boy. but see, normally, when dean does shitty things, he thinks he's in the right. in this moment, he knows he isn't. he's spiraling.

so he makes it worse. he doesn't just let gadreel in. he lets gadreel talk him into actively gaslighting sam and fucking with his head. and he also starts wrecking other people's lives. he's nasty to kevin (not that that's much of a change, but i think in s9 he's worse), and more unusually, he doesn't seem to give a damn whether cas lives or dies. he kicks him out, of course, but he also abandons him on the street with no resources or recourse, because he's so tied up in knots over what he's done to sam. cas could have died. he nearly does. he gives himself an angel terminal illness trying to escape.

and then when cas comes back to the bunker, he's grateful that dean wants him around again. which, you know, it makes sense. but dean also learns something from this. he doesn't want to, he never needed to know, but he learns something:

he learns that no matter how hard he kicks cas, cas will always come back.

this isn't good for him to know! he doesn't want to know! but he knows it now. and it becomes relevant to how he treats sam and cas, because sam will not tolerate that.

and the thing is this makes sense. for both sam and cas. obviously in terms of personality sam has more self outside of dean and more self-respect and when given the choice between freedom or love, he tends to choose freedom, which is the opposite for cas. like cas is fundamentally, well, a lot more similar to dean in that regard. but also: dean has just actively hurt sam, motivated by affection. he has just passively hurt cas by withdrawing his affection (and therefore his material support). of course sam responds by rejecting dean's affection and cas responds by desperately seeking it. we're rewriting the winchesters' childhoods here in miniature.

anyway. dean already had a habit of playing them off against each other in season eight. when he wasn't mad at cas, he would say to sam "cas wouldn't hurt me like this" when sam didn't do what he wanted. when he wasn't mad at sam he would tell cas the opposite. when he was mad at both, the favorite was benny.

but this takes on a different tone in season nine. because this duality has finally crystalized, freezing cas as the good one and sam as the bad one, because cas just doesn't get mad at him anymore no matter what he does.

so of course first you have road trip and first born. where cas immediately forgives dean for all that. then conspires with him to overcome sam's anger and resistance. cas is the one in first born saying sammmmm you should forgive deannnn cmaaaaahhhn.

and then in stairway to heaven you have dean viciously lashing out at cas basically just to punish sam for questioning him. like the whole episode is basically motivated by sam pointing to the blade and being like maybe you should be using that thing so much...... and dean being like FUCK you. so he goes and intentionally sabotages cas' whole thing with the angels that he had been building for months and then cas of course immediately forgives him. and this little piece of theater basically exists entirely for sam's benefit, to say hey, look how much i can hurt him and HE won't stay mad at me. because of course dean is deeply wounded by the fact that sam won't forgive him for the gadreel thing.

and to me that basically defines their relationship going forward. sam has a choice here: he can hate cas, or he can believe cas is too stupid/unable to see things straight/lovestruck/other thing that basically means stupid to know better. imo he chooses option b. cas doesn't really have a choice - his world narrows, understandably, to desperately trying to maintain dean's approval. he becomes much more devoted to dean in the later seasons, partly because he basically loses everything outside dean - stairway to heaven was basically his last chance at anything outside the winchesters being a meaningful connection for him, and he and dean ruined it together, and partly because the whole being homeless for months thing was very traumatizing and left him with a need to stay in dean's good graces for his own survival.

so fundamentally i think because of all this, what matters about sam and cas is that solidarity between them is impossible. sam can never trust cas and cas can never prioritize sam. because of dean. that relationship is not on any level passing the bechdean test.