#there was never a ''real me'' when its been happening every day since birth. i dont know who i am and im scared.

[slutdge]

there are a lot of symptoms of OCD that ive showed since childhood but ive kinda felt too much shame surrounding mental illness until recently where ive been working on both 1 unlearning that shame and understanding that diagnoses are not always helpful and can often be harmful with how psychiatry is practiced/its racist and misogynist and homophobic origins/so many other infinitely nuanced criticisms about psychiatry i dont have the ability to cover right now, and 2 becoming more and more critical of the psychiatric institution that abused me as time goes on and processing that the abuse i had to go thru was wrong so. idk why im saying this im just drunk and talking shit cause it makes me feel less crazy lol.

[f1bordeaux]

The String That Binds Us. (Prologue) | ln4, cl16

You fell in love with this sport all because of him. It would be selfish not to thank that boy for his help in getting you here today, even if you both ended on rocky terms. However, after finding yourself in the same paddock as your childhood best friend, your mentor, your first true love, and the boy who left you for the bigger picture, you realize that he wants nothing to do with you. So, as fate has it, perhaps you'll end up in the arms of someone else. Or maybe, just maybe, that string that has been tied to the two of you together since birth will pull you back into eachothers lives. Warnings: none Pairings: Lando Norris x Reader, Charles Leclerc x Reader Word Count: 769 Poetry style | Story style A/n: I have returned with yet another series >:) this has been rolling around in my mind and yes its a super simple, done before, run down prompt but I promise to make it worth wild! I feel as though my writing has improved since my last series(which i'm gonna go rewrite) so please enjoy! Ill update as quickly as possible. This is just the prologue so look out for chapter 1 soon, and let me know if you all would be interested in me posting this on Wattpad for easier reading! Much love! Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

prologue; y/n.

There was simply no way, not in this world with all of its coincidences and twists of fate, that things did not happen for a reason. From the minute you’re born until the day you die, there is a reason for everything. An invisible string runs through each and every one of your actions, no matter how little or grand they may be. You were sure of it. There were so many instances you could think of. When you failed that math test and got put back into a different class-the one where you met your first boyfriend who you no longer speak of. When you visited the beach one Summer all the way across the ocean in the United States, and met a girl from your hometown who ended up becoming your life long friend you attended university with. And perhaps the most vital one, when you grew up next door to a boy, only a year older than you, who possessed a love for cars and all things involving them. He would sculpt your life into one of his own, beginning from only the age of three. The two of you would form a shared love, a shared passion, for one sport. However, you found more interest in the mechanical side of things while he preferred to take the wheel. Still, you often wonder how your life would have played out, what you would have done, where you would have gone, who you would have become without him. What would have happened to you if he didn’t live next door? You could never even picture it. Especially now, fresh from university with a degree in automotive engineering hanging on your wall. But the craziest connection of them all? Getting an offer to work in the same sport as your neighbor-no, your childhood best friend. You just couldn’t believe it.

“Y/n you’re joking.” Sophia said on the afternoon the offer popped up in your inbox. She sat on the beanbag chair you used to have in your dorm. You were laying down in bed, lazily scrolling through Twitter before deciding to check your inbox. Now, you were sitting up straight, hand cupping your mouth as you read the email. “Let me see!”

You spun the laptop around, watching her eyes dart across the screen. “It’s not real, there is no way.”

But it was. The email would turn into a phone call, the phone call would turn into a headquarters visit, the visit would turn into a contract. Soon, only a few months after your January graduation, you would be in the Formula 1 paddock, clad in red, tending to the Ferrari livery.

You called Lando only a few weeks before the season started. The two of you hadn’t spoken in a while.

“Hello?”

“Lando, hey.” You scratched the back of your neck. How would he take it? Would he even care at all? Why were you calling with how things ended between the two of you?

There was a second of silence, although it felt like minutes. “Y/n, it’s been a minute. I heard you graduated. Congrats.”

“Oh? Who told you?”

“Mom. You know she's still best friends with yours.”

“Right,” You sighed. He didn’t like your Instagram post that compiled all your grad-photos. Of course he’d only heard it involuntarily. “How have you been?”

“Good.” He responded. “Just preparing for the season, you know?”

“That's actually what I was calling about,” Your heart was pounding. You were so excited to tell him, to let him know that not only did he make it into his dream field, but so did you. “I got a job.”

“Cool. Where at?”

“Ferrari.”

The silence that hung over the line only a little while ago returned. “Like at a shop somewhere in the UK?”

Not exactly the celebration you were hoping for. “No, uh, in F1. I’ll be in the paddock working on either Leclerc’s or Sainz’s car.”

“Oh.” He sniffled. “How’d you manage a job like that straight out of uni?”

“I applied. Didn’t think I would get it but here we are.”

“Well I guess I’ll see you around then.”

And that was it, your big call, your big announcement, all concluded with a ‘see you around’ like it was a conversation to be had in a school yard. You were hurt, your childhood best friend chalking your achievements up to something not worth being impressed about, but you didn’t have time to think about it. You had a job to do and damnit, you were sure you’d be doing it the best.

[bullet-clubs-bitch]

I saw your Kink hc for Jay White so i was wondering if you could make a little fic centered around his Pregnancy kink/ Breeding possibly?

Babies

Summary: Jay Tells Y/n he wants to have children with her

An: I know this is not smut, I felt like writing something a bit different, however expect a spicy Switchblade smut in the future

Main Masterlist Jay White Masterlist

2024 marks a new year in the switchblade calendar. This year I had two goals. The first was to become AEW world champion, and the second was a father. Y/n and I had been together for six years now and married for the past two, I figured now would be a good time to mention that I wanted to start a family with her. The only thing was how, how could I just casually bring up a topic like this? 

I decided that since Y/n and I had a few days off from the constant travel I would surprise her with a homemade candlelight dinner, something we used to do all the time in Japan. As I waited for Y/n’s arrival I set the table, lit some candles and made sure to get a fresh bouquet of flowers to place on the table. “Welcome home honey bee!” I said to Y/n once she walked through the door, greeting her with a kiss. “What is this all about?” she asked “Just a little something something, I just wanted to show you how much you mean to me,” I told her truthfully. I could tell by the look on her face that she knew something was up. Was it that obvious, I mean sure I was sweating and nervous but I didn’t think it was that obvious. The two of us enjoyed our dinner together, moments like this you tend to take for granted, being on the road often can rob you of some of the most simple things like having a sit-down dinner with your wife. I thought about having the baby talk several times throughout our dinner but I was scared it could wreck the evening. I promised myself I would bring it up at some point tonight. 

After dinner and dessert Y/n and I decided to watch a movie. As the two of us cuddled up together on the couch, I tried to build up the confidence to ask the question that had been on my mind for days. I played with Y/n’s hair as her head rested on my chest. My hand found its way to Y/n’s left bicep, my fingers found the small metal bar embedded in her skin. “When are you going to get this thing removed?” I asked her casually “What? Do you mean my birth control implant? I have that due to your massive breeding kink. I don’t need a bunch of mini switchblades running around right now” Y/n said calmly. I felt my stomach drop at her words. “Why?” she asked. I felt my throat dry, I didn’t think of what would happen if she said no. “Uh- no reason” I tried to play it off but I was unsuccessful. “Yes, Jay there has to be a reason. You’ve been acting weird for days? What’s bothering you?” Y/n asked lovingly as she straddled my hips to face me. “It’s nothing really, it was stupid anyway” I tried to turn away but Y/n gently grabbed my face, forcing me to look her in the eye. “No Jay, I’m sure whatever is bothering you isn’t stupid. Even if it was, that's what I’m here for. As your wife, it is my job to listen to all of your ideas, and your problems and help you through it all.” Looking into her eyes I could see the love behind them, her words were true. I knew it was now or never. 

“Well, we have been together for a while now and, um- I wanted to ask you if we could start trying for a family of our own. I want to make babies with you Y/n” She said nothing, she was in disbelief. I was regretting my words, was it too soon? Was I being selfish? I didn’t even take into consideration Y/n’s career, maybe she also wanted to become a champion this year. What if she didn’t want to be pregnant or even have children? I know we joked about having a bunch of kids but saying it for real was scary. I completely forgot how her face would drop every time someone asked us when we would have children, this was always a hard subject. 

“I don’t know what to say” I could see the tears start to form in Y/n’s eyes. I knew I had upset her, nice one Jay. “I’m sorry I upset you honey bee, I know this is a hard topic for you” I told her as I held her close. “It’s not that I don’t want to have babies with you Jay. I do, I really do, I’m just scared. I’m terrified actually. This is a lot to think about, I would have to take time off of work, I would be here alone while you traveled. What about when I go back? How could I balance wrestling 5 days a week with a baby? They would be too small to travel but too small to stay at home.” The truth is I never took into consideration these factors, she had a point. 

“I didn’t think about that. But I’m sure we could figure everything out, we could take turns staying home, we could get one of those fancy live in nannies to take care of the kid.” I don’t think I had ever been so scared in my life. This conversation terrified me, I was more nervous than I was when I main evented the Tokyo Dome. 

“Can I think about it? I mean I really want to have babies with you Jay but this is a big responsibility, we just can’t just make a decision in one day.” She had a point 

“Can we at least practice making one?” 

“Of course my love” 

[blackswallowtailbutterfly]

Depressing story:

Young woman gets pregnant and keeps it because her boyfriend wants her to, but they don't live together, she's new at her job, he works part time several townships away. They get married cheaply. It's awkward, almost nothing goes well, and she can't help but think she's made a terrible mistake.

The pregnancy takes its toll on her. He gets more excited about their impending child, she gets more depressed. He persuades her to move to his small town to live with him for their child's sake. She does so reluctantly and against the advice of her grandparents. The birth is hard and traumatic and he's not supportive the way she'd hoped, walking away several times during the labour.

He's helpful with the childcare at first but pulls away, reasoning that he has to work and she has no job to return to. The sex after she heals is awkward and she finds herself making excuses not to. He compares her to the typical sex-denying wife and occasionally she goes ahead to just keep him happy.

During a visit home and watching people go about their day and interact, the thought comes to her that she has to get out. She doesn't voice this to anyone. A man notices her standing alone and engages her in conversation. She's flattered for someone to show interest as her husband takes her for granted. It turns to a topic she's familiar with and she speaks animatedly as she can't do with her husband since he finds it annoying.

Her husband finds her and she can tell he's jealous. The other man can too and makes subtle digs that she stifles laughter over. Her husband is angry with her and drives recklessly home. This prompts an argument when they get home because of the risk to their child. He gets rough with her, digging his fingers into her shoulders until she winces in pain. He apologizes immediately afterward, holding her as she cries.

It takes her some time but she eventually confides in her best friends who tell her it's abuse. She has them with her when she initiates the divorce. He's upset at first but then amiable and they agree on shared custody. But he gets jealous over every positive interaction she has with a male, and tries to remind her of "good times" having sex. This causes her constant background stress as she works, pays rent, and raises her child.

By the time the child is twelve they're having problems at school. Her ex husband tries for full custody, using accusations of neurodivergence making her an unfit parent, and believing she has a lot of boyfriends, though she's had none.

All the while she thinks she got off lucky. It could have been so much worse after all. At least he never slapped or punched her. At least he never abused their child. At least he was only acting now, when their child had some autonomy. But this is also an issue because how can she convince anyone that it was bad enough to divorce him over and that she doesn't think him having full custody would be good for their child?

Plenty of people in his and her family think she shouldn't even have gotten divorced, that she should have tried harder, gone to counselling, etc.. And she at times doubts whether giving him full custody might make their child better off after all. She somehow still feels somehow off about it, but doesn't know anyone with any authority she can turn to. She knows there's no real winning. If he gets full custody he'll make it so she has to interact with him a lot to see their child. If he doesn't he'll keep trying. And there's no viable way out of it all.

Except that when she got pregnant she had an abortion and none of that happened! And that's exactly what I did. He broke up with me over it and married another woman, but then he regretted the breakup and now tries strange ways to connect with me but there's no 12 year old child that the law forces us to interact over. So he gets to seethe. :)

[nerves-nebula]

so I’m not sure exactly how to phrase this but I don’t think I was meant to survive. I don’t have it in me, I’m a weak link, I don’t have a consistent internal flame. Sometimes it burns bright enough that I think if I just live long enough I’ll eventually be grateful I did, but despite all my good fortune that time never comes. I imagine myself old and tired and bitter that I’ve had to hold on this long. I can’t help but believe that if reincarnation is real, I’ve lived a thousand lives trying to escape the cycle. Trying to just not exist. I don’t have that hunger for life in me and I’m insanely jealous of those who do. It’s mesmerizing to see it in action.

Something has been wrong with me from day one. I shouldn’t have survived that tiny little hole in my heart I was born with, that hole which healed up on its own, despite me having it nine months after birth, despite me knowing it would’ve been better if I’d died from lack of oxygen or something.

I’ve been weak from the beginning, and I wouldn’t make it on my own. But that’s not what’s wrong with me, I don’t believe people need to be strong or independent to survive and be worthwhile people.

What’s wrong with me is that I simply don’t want to survive, I don’t like living and experiencing things enough to deeply desire it. It’s embarrassing in a way, knowing people everywhere really do want to live because they’ve got things to do, because they WANT it. knowing I only want to live because I’m afraid.

I want to go somewhere quiet, put on some noise, lay down, and die. If I could have stopped my heart in my sleep by now I would have. I can’t remember a time when I wanted to live, rather than just hoping I’d want to live in the future.

When I think of why I don’t kill myself, it’s because I’m not allowed to. Other reasons include: I’m scared it will hurt, I’m scared I’ll fail and everything will be worse for me, I’m scared the next life or the after-life will be worse, I’m scared life wont simply stop or be better- it will only continue, because I have people relying on me and because I don’t want to hurt the people who cared about me.

But what I think to myself is that I’m simply not allowed to die, because I don’t have the time to get into why. So I’m just not allowed to die. But I’d like to. I want it. It’s always been in me, since I dreamed about monsters stealing me away at night as a child. Since I spend my life in daydreams and fiction. My deepest desire has always been to simply leave, to stop.

And more than that, it’s in the way I physically exist too. I don’t like food, I don’t like water, I don’t feel good sleeping, I hate doing nearly everything it takes to maintain a good or healthy body- hygiene, food, exercise, social interaction, physical touch, they’re all good for me! They make me feel good once they’ve happened! And I dread doing them every single time! Because I’d rather not have to do them, or anything, at all. I feel I was meant to die.

Underneath so much of what I do is a desire to be understood in a way that is simply impossible, I want to be heard through and through, in and out. I wanna return to the earth and never leave its crust again because language and art and touch is just not good enough. I was meant to die, and my only solace is that one day it will happen.

[quodekash]

HELP I JUST LOOKED UP GUMPA'S ACTOR AND HE WAS BEAM IN MLC???

MY DAD IS BEAM???

IM LOSING MY MIND OVER IT

anyway on another note the gang's about to be caught by cops! ✨

oh. never mind sean drove past them. in no world will that have good results.

NO

YOK JUST GOT SHOT

WHY IS EVERYONE GETTING SHOT

AAAAAAAAAAA

i swear if they freaking kill yok im going to find gmmtv and destroy them

stop trying to be freaking heroic, okay, YOU ARE IMPORTANT

DAD HAS COME TO SAVE THE DAY

hes so stressed though

im so scared for yok rn

pls let him be okay

WHY IS THE THUMBNAIL FOR THE NEXT PART DAN'S FACE LOOKING INSANELY GUILTY??? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???

episode 8 3/4 of the eclipse, anyone?

i swear that part of the series is just the infirmary interlude of the series

anyway im not watching the eclipse im watching not me

focus, egg. focus.

HELL YEAH, THANK FREAKING GOODNESS

THERE HE IS, OKAY NOW TELL ME: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED

force like the guy? force jiratchapong? cos if its just him then they're all good, they'll hug it out and be on their merry way.

if it's not him, then they're screwed

NO

WHAT THE HELL

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

OH NO AND YOK IS CRYING

NOW IM CRYING

IM SO CONFUSED???

AAAAAAAAA

I WANT TO TEAR MY HAIR OUT

WHAT

NO

(and in amongst all this chaos, my brain is still thinking "kinky" because he said "finally you get to arrest me for real")

THIS IS EMOTIONALLY DISTRESSING

dfghj

ghrbdfgh

VHDBFHX

GRDNFHHJXGBJFHDB

PAIN

OH FLASHBACK, FINALLY, A FREAKING EXPLANATION

....

who the hell is this guy?

oh. so we just dont find out who the hell that guy was? is this information i was supposed to know already? i have no working memory, especially not when i probably previously encountered this guy in the early hours of the morning when my brain was shutting down, so i have no clue whats going on rn

im so confused that i cant cry anymore, but this is me internally

this wasnt supposed to happen to my boys

and yet they saved this plot for the side couple??? the side couple is supposed to be my main source of dopamine, but its getting a little difficult when they're arRESTING EACH OTHER

AND HES CRYING TOO

IDK WHAT'S GOING ON OR WHY HE DID WHATEVER IT IS THAT HE DID (or who the hell that guy was) BUT I STILL LOVE HIM AND HIS PRETTY EYELASHES AND I AM IN PAIN

TO DEFEAT

T H E H U N S

but who are you

...no

not even slightly

NOOOO MY DAD IS GETTING ARRESTED

what i dont get is why the only one who was actually properly handcuffed was the one in the wheelchair. why were the others all zip-tied. why wasnt yok also zip-tied. i have questions.

THERE'S AN ADULT VERSION OF YOUR TEACHER SAYING THEY'LL CALL YOUR PARENTS IF YOU KEEP MISBEHAVING???

i dont think its a mistake that the random old guy talks about his parents and then the very next frame is gumpa looking at him disappointedly.

he is dad.

its just a fact

oh !

hello there!

HELL YEAH (what a great screenshot that is)

he looks as confused as i feel

"you told me not to look for you if i wanted no regrets. i should have believed you then." NOOOOO

WHY WOULD YOU MURDER MY SOUL LIKE THAT

I SWEAR IM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW

ill avenge your beautiful hand and your beautiful foot. ill tear off the legs of every dragon i fight. with my face.

mm mm mm, it's the wings and the tails you really want. if it cant fly, it can't get away. a downed dragon is a dead dragon.

(yawn) alright, im off to bed. you should be too. tomorrow, we get to the big boys, slowly but surely making our way to the monstrous nightmare. but who'll have the honour of killing it?

it's gonna be me. it's my destiny, see?

(le gasp) your mom let you get a tattoo?

it's not a tattoo, its a birthmark!

okay, ive been stuck with you since birth, and that's never been there.

yes it has, you've just never seen me from the left side before!

every moment is the right moment to quote how to train your dragon

anyway that's the end of the episode. uh... that hurt.

[spongebobafettywap]

Taking a break from Marvel has helped me a whole lot mentally down to how I write my stories. Sad since it taught me that not every retcon is bad (see Magneto). A retcon falls in the category of bad when writers completely contradict what was established, alter fundamental aspects into a direction that makes no sense and turn characters into worse versions of themselves. By far to me tho, Jojo made the best retcons (I see you like that manga/anime too, what's your favourite stand and part?)

In Marvel and for X-Men especially, retcon's came in all shades and forms.

The Azazel retcon to me wasn't bad since it didn't change Nightcrawler's very nature (Azazel was never a demon so Nightcrawler isn't a half demon), didn't make him the most important character ever, didn't make stuff about his life after his birth all premeditated and now unimportant to him, didn't undo the reason why he was abandoned by Mystique since 1991, didn't undo the way he views the Szardos, didn't make him disregard the way his bio family treated him for the sake of blood ties, didn't make him overlook the harm they willingly inflicted onto him and others, didn't give him an extensive case of amnesia, didn't make him have an identity crisis, didn't make the AUs where he was raised by Mystique impossible or unlikely, ...

The Destiny retcon on the other hand wrecked all of that. There's nothing, absolutely nothing that was kept and now makes sense from X-Men Unlimited. It all sounds like loopholes being jumped rather than a cohesive narrative. Nightcrawler cares about his biological family more than his adoptive or his mutant one. His adoptive family isn't an entire world to him, they're a stepping stone to tick a box of characteristics so he is the way he is in present day. The reason why he was abandoned by Mystique was changed from the ground up. The retcon did all of that to now have Mystique and Destiny be his parents yet the dynamic Nightcrawler has with his biological family has pretty much not changed and is the same as before the retcon : Mom doesn't care about and doesn't want anything to do with him like she literally forgot he happened and "Father" wanted to have him and cares to some extent about him (even tho with all the DNA imprinting Mystique didn't of Azazel's DNA, she is more like a distant relative to Nightcrawler than a direct parent). We're back to square one and somehow went further backwards.

What did the Azazel retcon do ? Keep the same setting and key characters Lobdell used and didn't make any of them irrelevant, not change the powers they had at the time, develop the setting where Nightcrawler would have grown-up in if he was born normal looking, develop the Baron who would have been his father under other circumstances, reveal why the Baron died before he was born (X-Men Unlimited left that up in the air), give an explanation behind Nightcrawler's appearance and powers but still had luck at play as his other parent had normal children with other abilities previously, add a layer of reasons why Mystique abandoned him and didn't care about his whereabouts even after meeting again years later, give Nightcrawler some more reasons to pity Mystique's situation at the time and feel compassionate towards her, add more natural tragedy to Nightcrawler's origins, make his adoptive family the only real good people in the story and his life, ...

What did the Destiny retcon do ? None of that.

Oh yeah retcons aren't inherently bad but when comic companies start doing several retcons back to back its very unlikely that a lot of them are gonna be good. It starts to make reading them as a story pointless if the narrative is gonna invert itself repeatedly.

I do agree that Jojo has had the best retcons the retcon with Josuke existing as a bastard child of Joseph whilst it did kind of ruin Joseph's relationship with Suzie Q it was an interesting way to add a new Jojo without it being Jotaro's kid and having to age him up further. Pucci and the other Dio agents that show up in the later parts like Yoshihiro Kira are a great example of retconning the story to add in characters where it makes sense and connect them to Dio.

My favourite Stand overall is Killer Queen but Star Platinum is pretty close. Favourite Part is still 1.

Yeah Azazel as a retcon was simple really it was just this ancient demonic Mutant that fathered him. There wasn't no 4 parentage story or a whole destiny that Nightcrawler hasn't even fulfilled lol or how in alternate timelines like AoA where Nightcrawler and Azazel don't even battle each other. And yes AoA whilst different was originally an altered timeline for 616.

The Destiny retcon was like some of the worst official fanfiction around as well as trying hard not to contradict the previous origin story. And honestly any origin story that requires you to write a paragraph to explain is bad plain and simple

[ochazos]

@epitomees said: Birthdays were commonly celebrated among family and friends. They served a reminder of the day they breathed new life, unknowingly aware of their impact on others' lives or the change they brought into the world. Each yearly cycle, though, brought them closer to their eventual end. They never knew when it'd come, how it would happen, or where it would be. Nor would they expect it to come at its chosen time. That was the cruel hand of fate keeping them blissfully unaware of their demise. Heartless, yet compassionate all the same.

The day of Makoto's birth soon arrived. Somehow Aigis knew he kept this information to himself, hardly letting anyone in school or the SEES dorm take the initiative to properly celebrate. No big surprise party, no neatly decorated cake with his name engraved in sweet icing, and no presents. At best, the azure leader rather keep the celebrations lowkey, or non-existent at best. Aigis guessed this was his true intentions, to let the day come and go without acknowledging its importance.

But she refused to let it slip through the cracks so easily...

"Makoto..." She caught him in the hallway just before he slipped into his room for the night. Bright, blue eyes held a strange nervousness, yet boldly kept their intense gaze on the boy's grey-blue hues. Her steps were quiet, calculated, making sure Makoto's acute observance remained on the approaching maiden. Not wandering to what she held behind her back. "...please, take these."

A small bouquet of flowers. Blue forget-me-nots mixed together with bright yellow sunflowers, creating a summery splash of vibrant color held neatly together with a metallic blue bow. "While you may not want any unnecessary attention drawn to yourself this day, I took it upon myself to find you something so you were not forgotten." Her gift to him. A beautiful, yet fleeting present she hoped he found endearing, considering the meaning behind this floral arrangement.

"I am glad you were born into this world, in the same space, and in the same time that I am operating." He truly meant the world to her, in ways the maiden couldn't fully explain or understand. This was only a portion of her immense gratitude and love towards the young boy. But for now, it would do. "...Happy Birthday, to you, Makoto."

It's Makoto's birthday! - Accepting

The last real birthday Makoto could remember was the year his parents both died. They had been quite loving. Both decorating the house, taking time off of work to spend with him. They would take him to get whatever food he asked for and both would buy him a special gift. He looked forward to it all year. A day that they celebrated him and showed how much they loved him. He had been a small child. There wasn't much he could do for their birthdays aside from draw a picture or do extra chores. He always got roped into helping whichever parent wasn't being celebrated cook a meal for the other. He could still remember burning his finger trying to help make pancake for his mom. He was probably only 6 or 7 years old. How he cried and ruined the surprise of breakfast in bed for her. And instead the 3 of them made a huge breakfast together. It was a warm memory, one that Makoto hated to recall. Just like every birthday memory. So when the day came, Makoto tended to slip away and hide from others.

He had been so close to escaping it. His fingers already touching the door handle to his room when a voice calls out to him. He stops, fingers just barely placed upon the cold metal. He doesn't face her yet.

"Aigis?" He had a soft spot for her. Everyone knew it. In fact, it could easily be considered love. He didn't know if it was. He didn't know how love felt or how to be good at it. Maybe that's why him and Aigis fit together so well. They were both still learning to be human.

He turns around to face her, eyes locking with her piercing blue gaze. He looked at the flowers. The vibrant colors were stunning. Ever since he began to come alive and feel things again, he had remembered that he had always really liked flowers and plants. Or maybe remembered wasn't the right word. Maybe 'realized' was it. His gaze doesn't leave them flowers as she speaks. They were beautiful. Fleeting too. Just like his life would be compared to hers. He only hoped he could give Aigis enough good memories to keep her smiling from the memories for all of eternity. Until her life ended, likely far after his.

He takes a step closer to her, taking the flowers at last. Grey eyes return to hers, adoration clear in them. He didn't know how to love or be loved. But that had to be what this feeling was, right? He never wanted to be away from her. He gently pulls her into an embrace, as if she was as delicate as the flowers he held. He always felt cold during his birthday, but today he felt so warm.

"I'm so happy we met." He says while holding her. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Aigis." He speaks from the heart. It didn't matter what happened ten years ago when she sealed death inside of him. It was all worth it if it led him here, to her. Like a red string had tied their hearts together and slowly led them back to each other.

"Thank you." He wanted her to know exactly how he felt. No room for doubt or confusion. "It's okay to celebrate it... if it's with you. I'm happy." He doesn't say what he thinks his heart may be screaming in his ribcage. He leaves that part out.

I love you, Aigis.

[nobleriver]

So there is a book called Hamnet by Maggie O'Farrell that is very good being a fictional telling of Shakespeare's son Hament dying of the plague. (I highly recommend it) It's sad but excellent dealing with grief and loss. Also, this past week I lost a friend from work and I'm thinking about how things happen so suddenly when you can still mentally play the mental tape of the last conversation you have with someone when you don't know it will be the last.

I was thinking though should we feel a bit peeved that River's story that started death had been turned into something romantic? Death of anyone is horrific (not romantic) and I've always hated stories that were more heavy-handed in the emotional manipulation of it. Will never read Nicholas Sparks. Always hated this horrible movie I still remember from childhood about this woman who was pregnant but also had cancer who died after she gave birth.

I would hate to think I fell for a melodrama. I might lose credibility for wondering if I should feel slighted since I'm asking the question of myself for the first time since The Husbands of River Song was broadcast.

My heart goes out to you and your friend's loved ones. I have lost people I cared about, and yes, it does feel sudden. The world stops. Even though in the back our heads we know life is ephemeral and fleeting, we still expect that person to be there tomorrow. It's painful when they're not. So please know, you have my sincerest condolences. May you find comfort and peace in this time.

To address your other comment about River, I don't feel peeved. You see, the thing about the Doctor and River is that technically speaking it's not a romance. It's a tragedy. The one unbreakable rule of the romance genre is that there must be a happy ending. The characters must be alive and end up together at the end of the story. If they don't, it's not a romance. It's either a tragedy or a drama.

Therefore, the Doctor and River Song are a tragedy with romantic elements. The story starts out with her death, and we witness the Doctor try to avoid her and put distance between them because he hopes to avert her death. One of the reasons I love The Day of the Doctor target novel by Moffat is that it shows us how the Doctor (10th and 11th incarnations) see River. When the Doctor looks at River, he sees a ghost. Every once in a while, she'll do something SO alive and it just makes him even more miserable because it reminds him how dead she already is. 10 explains in that book (to us the audience) that he plans to rewrite River's end by avoiding her, because he believes she deserves a happier life. In that book, the Doctor, through multiple incarnations, is still grappling with River's passing, unable to accept it. He blames himself because he failed to save her. Her death isn't romantic; it's traumatizing to him.

The Doctor and River both knew forever would be a fairy tale, but they still chose each other. They embraced the little time they had left. To me, theirs is a romance within a tragedy. The fact they still fell in love, still married, still became each other's best friends and most trusted allies, THAT is the romance. The romance is the love blossoming beneath the sorrow. Their unyielding commitment to each other was a beauty to behold laced with pain. The romance adds to the pain but also creates moments of levity, pockets of joy and laughter where they can hide from the shadows closing in.

The writing for them is stunning in its impact. We watch the death of a random character in S4 plague and torment the Doctor for the next six seasons as the Doctor wrestles with how to accept her death and move on. It's tragic, but it's real, and the tragedy doesn't take away the beauty.

Also, I skimmed a review of the book. This actually sounds like a GREAT recommendation, and the storytelling is nonlinear. Love stories like that (cough cough, doctor who). I might actually check it out! Thank you.

[archiveikemen]

Abe no Yasuchika Main Story: Chapter 10

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Read this before interacting┊aikm’s Genjiden Glossary

Yasuchika-san blinked in surprise when I shoved him towards a nearby tree stump.

Yasuchika: Wow, you’re surprisingly pushy.

Yuno: … One thing I’ve learnt is that it’s okay to treat you like this.

After staring at me with a dumbfounded look for a while… Yasuchika-san smiled.

Yasuchika: — Of course.

I finished helping him with a simple bandaging of his finger after a while, and my racing heart finally calmed down.

Yasuchika: Thanks. I owe you one.

Yuno: It’s fine… I only did it because I wanted to.

(Although…)

(The reason why Yasuchika-san went feral during the battle was because he was shown an illusion of Akihito.)

Yuno: Yasuchika-san… can I ask you something about Akihito-sama?

Yasuchika: The thing just now still bothering you?

Yuno: … Honestly, yes.

Yasuchika: I see. I mean, you’ve already seen it all, so there's no need for me to hide it from you anymore.

After a brief moment of silence, Yasuchika-san spoke.

Yasuchika: The scene you saw just now? That was exactly how Akihito-sama and I first met.

Yasuchika: When I was a child, I received ‘special training’ from the Abe Clan.

Yasuchika: Then I sensed a mysterious presence of a spirit in the mansion.

Yuno: And that spirit was Akihito-sama…?

Yasuchika: That's right. Back then, I was the only person who could see Akihito-sama.

(But isn't Akihito-sama a living person? I’m pretty sure I saw him the other day.)

Yasuchika: You noticed? The Akihito-sama you saw in that illusion and the real Akihito-sama look identical.

Yuno: Y-yes. So I’m curious… who exactly is Akihito-sama?

Yasuchika: He was once an ordinary human being, his body sealed away by the Abe Clan.

Yuno: Sealed away? What do you mean…

Yasuchika: Whatever I’m about to say to you… please don't tell anyone.

Yasuchika: Not even the people from the Shogunate.

Yuno: … I won’t.

Yasuchika: I can’t really tell you much details, but his body constitution is unique.

Yasuchika: Before his birth, he was cursed to be born a stillborn. However, he miraculously survived and was thus brought into this world alive.

(So that’s the kind of past Akihito-sama had…)

An image of Akihito-sama’s otherworldly beauty and elegance appeared in my mind.

Yasuchika: But many things happened… Akihito-sama was never happy for a day in his life from ever since he was born.

Yasuchika: He was unloved, cast aside, and betrayed.

Yuno: Goodness…

Yasuchika: He had always suppressed the curse that was bound to his soul by sheer willpower, but…

Yasuchika: As Akihito-sama's tolerance for his pain and suffering reached its limit, the curse went loose and killed everyone around him.

Yuno: …!

Yasuchika: From what I’ve been told, every single Onmyōji had to get involved to deal with the situation.

Yasuchika: They couldn't say for sure what would happen to the curse if they killed Akihito-sama, that's why they ended up sealing him away even though he was a human being.

Yuno: Then… what about the Akihito-sama you saw?

Yasuchika: He was a living spirit. His physical body had been asleep and hidden away deep inside the Abe Clan’s mansion.

Yasuchika: Due to the effects of the spell that was used to seal him away, his body never aged.

Yasuchika: But he was a special kind of living spirit. I was the only person who could see him, because I’m someone from the Abe Clan who was born with that gift.

(He has to possess an extreme amount of hate for another person, to turn into a living spirit.)

Yuno: … That's how deep the wounds Akihito-sama's pain and suffering caused him are.

Yasuchika: Correct. As time went by, the seal was eventually weakened. He started roaming around the mansion as a living spirit without his memories.

= Flashback Start =

Yasuchika: No one enjoys being a living spirit.

Yasuchika: They don’t curse people because they want to.

= Flashback End =

I thought of Yasuchika-san's words after our encounter with that female living spirit.

(He was also talking about Akihito-sama.)

Yuno: But… Akihito-sama appears to be an ordinary man now.

Yasuchika: There was an incident… it caused him to regain his memories and control over his physical body.

(An incident?)

Yasuchika-san’s facial expression was cold, but I could sense that he was fuming.

But that look disappeared from his face almost immediately…

Yasuchika: But that’s another story.

(I’m sure there's a lot more to it, but I know I won’t be hearing anything about it tonight.)

Yasuchika: Anyway, Akihito-sama has been by my side ever since I was a little boy and was like a guiding light for me.

Yuno: A guiding light…

== Flashback Start ==

Akihito: If you’re not a human being, you wouldn't be so warm, right?

Little Boy: But I…

Akihito: If you ever feel lost… I’ll be your guide for as long as you live in this mansion.

Little Boy: Akihito-san?

Akihito: Onmyōji use their power to exorcize curses. That makes it one of the kindest powers in the world.

Akihito: Always remember to be a kind person, Yasuchika.

== Flashback End ==

Yuno: .. “Be a kind person”.

Yasuchika: That's right. He also told me to make use of my powers to help the weak, never give in to greed, and always seek self-improvement.

Yuno: … Akihito-sama was your safe person, wasn't he?

(As a living spirit, Akihito-sama taught the little boy we saw in the illusion about human warmth.)

Yasuchika: He was my everything.

There was not an ounce of insincerity in Yasuchika-san's answer.

Yasuchika: An Onmyōji’s job is more bloody and selfish than people think.

Yasuchika: I can’t truly be the “kind person” Akihito-sama told me to be.

Yasuchika: The most I can do is hold onto my childhood memories and pretend to be kind by doing random acts of kindness on a whim.

Yasuchika: That’s the kind of man I am.

(Pretend…)

(If I’m not mistaken, he said something similar after he saved that young woman who turned into a living spirit.)

His self-deprecating words made my heart ache.

I reflexively reached out to gently hold Yasuchika-san's hand, careful not to touch his injured finger.

Yasuchika: — Yuno-san?

Yuno: You’re so warm. Just like Akihito-sama said.

Yasuchika: …

Yuno: If you keep up your act, then perhaps one day, your pretense will become a reality.

Yasuchika: … You’ve only just met me.

I flinched a little when I heard those words.

Yuno: If I’m going to always be afraid of being wrong, then I’ll never be able to believe in anyone or anything.

Yuno: I want to believe that your hands are warm ones that have saved the lives of many.

Yuno: That’s why, from this moment on, I want you to take extra good care of these hands.

(Please don’t throw away a part of yourself so easily.)

Yasuchika-san gulped.

Yasuchika: …

His eyes with an unreadable look in them slowly approached me…

(Ah…)

Yasuchika-san’s lips lightly pecked my forehead.

Yasuchika: You’re the warm one.

My heart was racing and my body was burning hot.

Yasuchika: Here I was thinking I’m being careful enough.

Yasuchika: How... how did you find your way into my heart?

Yuno: Yasuchika-san…

Yasuchika-san lifted his right hand and touched my hair that had turned silver.

I held my breath as he casually combed my disheveled hair.

Yasuchika: You must be feeling so worn out.

Yuno: Uhm…

I took a few falls while dodging the ayakashi’s attacks, so my kimono was completely ruined.

I suddenly felt self-conscious and tried to shrink away…

Yasuchika: I have no idea why, but you look so gorgeous right now.

Hearing his words that were as sweet as honey while looking into his dark eyes made me gulp nervously.

(Why are you making that face?)

Yuno: Um… is it because my hair and eyes resemble Tamamo’s?

Yasuchika: … Is that so?

Yasuchika: — Nah.

Yasuchika-san took another look at me and shook his head.

Yasuchika: Same color scheme, yes. But you look nothing like Tamamo.

Yuno: I- I see.

(Tamamo is so much more beautiful.)

Yasuchika: The golden color of your eyes is mellow, like the morning sun.

Yuno: Um…

(What am I supposed to say here…)

Yuno: T-thank you.

Yasuchika-san grinned when he saw how red my cheeks had gotten.

Yasuchika: Shouldn't I be the one thanking you?

Yasuchika: You lent me your assistance just now.

(I think I was being protected more than I could be of any help.)

I had a gut feeling that something had changed that night in the relationship between me and Yasuchika-san…

I hoped that the cool night breeze would help cool my burning skin off quickly.

[waitingforwinterwinds]

A Clash of Kings - 42 DAVOS II (pages 546-563)

Stannis and Melisandre talk philosophies with Davos, though separately, and Davos takes Mel to Storm's End's Secret tunnel instead of the Maternity Wing.

-

Every man of the party was of better birth and higher station than Davos Seaworth, and the great lords glittered in the morning sun.

Doesn't mean they're even half the man Davos is.

A red-gold fox poked its shining snout out from his breastplate through a circle of lapis lazuli flowers.

guess at which point in this sentence I realised GRRM did not mean a real live fox the colour of red-gold. Did you guess halfway through the next sentence? Cause that's where it happened.

Stannis had left his queen on Dragonstone along with her uncle Axell, -

I just dropped into the strangest Kingdom Hearts crossover ever (:

Oh no, my brain is set to silly mode D: I'll power through, but I apologise in advance (;^▽^)ブ

"She ran. As well she might. Her was the hand that slew the king." "A lie," Ser Cortnay said. "I knew Brienne when she was no more than a girl playing at her father's feet in Evenfall hall, and I knew her still better when the Evenstar sent her here to Storm's End. -"

See, even this guy knows Brienne killing Renly is ridiculous. *remains salty about the guy(s) who just up and accused her on sight*

The king saw the motion. "Are they still there, onion knight? You have not lost them?" "No." "Why do you keep them? I have often wondered." "They remind me of what I was. Where I came from. They remind me of your justice, my liege." "It was justice," Stannis said. "A good act does not wash out the bad, nor a bad act the good. Each should have its own reward. you were a hero and a smuggler."

It's always interesting to see the difference in not just whether a character believes in the end justifying the means, but how an act affects a persons overall moral value. If I had to label Stannis, I think I'd definitely class him as Lawful-Neutral rather than Lawful-Good, just because he's so focused on the law as justice, but not in the all consuming all condemning way of Lawful-Good Paladins, and because he's a little easier with the ends justifying the means approach to offing his own brother.

"Only Renly could vex me so with a piece of fruit. He brought his doom on himself with his treason, but I did love him, Davos, I know that now. I swear, I will go to my grave thinking of my brother's peach."

Stannis: *poignant speech about loosing his brother and never being able to gain closure* The Reader: Pffff hahHAHAhahahahHAHA "thinking of his brother's peach" XD

Ahem. Sorry. I've been in fandom too long. ... hehehehe ... could have been worse, could have been chrysanthemum

"Stubborn or craven, what does it matter? Ser Cortnay Penrose seemed hearty and hale to me." "So did my brother, the day before his death. The night is dark and full of terrors, Davos."

TNiDaFoT = 🥛

You know, I'm starting to wonder if Stannis actually does know about the shadow him that killed Renly or not. Like the way he talks about it, his dream of Renly's death, I can't decide if he's trying to convince himself it doesn't count that he killed his brother via freaky astral projection, or if he truly doesn't know what happened.

"I killed him but i woke with clean hands" and all that, of course it doesn't help they we aren't in his head and he's not going to come out and say it to Davos "Mel made a freaky shadow clone of me, emphasis on the shadow and I mind controlled it in my sleep to off Renly."

"- The flames do not lie, Davos." Yet they require me to make it true, he thought. It had been a long time since Davos Seaworth felt so sad.

Aww, oh no. Stannis you suck!

also that thought that Stannis might not know? yeah, that's as dead as Renly.

"I can smell the fear on you, ser knight," the red woman said softly. "Someone once told me the night is dark and full of terrors. And tonight I am no knight. Tonight I am Davos the smuggler again. Would that you were and onion."

TNiDaFoT = 🥛

... Melisonion.

"If half of an onion is black with rot, it is a rotten onion. A man is good, or is is evil."

Men might have layers like an onion, that doesn't mean they are onions, Mel.

"You are more ignorant than a child, ser knight. There are no shadows in the dark. Shadows are the servants of light, the children of fire. The brightest flame casts the darkest shadows."

That's an interesting take... I think I like it. (She's right though, no shadows in the dark.)

He knew that shadow. As he knew the man who'd cast it.

and birth of the demon shadow baby! (take two) mmm, even more horrific than the show. delightful. Oh but the sense of dawning terror and horror in Davos. He deserves a better boss.

[lured-into-wonderland]

Continued from [x] with @aurorxaeternitatis

As he walked towards her, Nunnally almost regretted she asked that particular man - out of all the patrons she could approach in the café - that lovely day. The way he moved. The way he claimed space around him. His every move, every gesture seemed deliberate and planned. And that all was too familiar for her, and had never meant anything good. She was either being told to do something, or forbidden to do something. Always sent to her little corner of the world. (“Oh, come on Nunnally! You’re over it. Don’t let it haunt you!” ) – well, that wasn’t completely true, but at least she was now trying. Trying to escape the role that was assigned to her since her birth. Trying to make her own choices for her life. So, she shouldn’t let her old habits (and demons) haunt her. Otherwise, she’d most likely fail, and failing was not an option (as least not an option she would consider that day).

So, Nunnally smiled back to that stranger as he approached. She watched his skillful hands as they were taking care of her now-so-unwanted heel. He had beautiful and strangely fragile hands. As for a man; she thought. And was skilled. And strong? It didn’t take him too long to make her both shoes matching again, and serving the purpose. He finally spoke. Nunnally was mesmerized by his voice. A myriad of questions appeared in her mind. As mysterious as the man seemed to her before, his voice had only make that feeling stronger. She was almost sure a faint pink found its way onto her cheeks; something that was quite common for her old “self” years ago (but now these years seemed like millennia), but wasn’t really happening recently. Up till now. Nunnally was not sure if she was embarrassed about it, or didn’t really care. It was just an accidental meeting. Probably it wouldn’t even end up with a conversation. And even if it would (and why did she really hope for that to happen?), it wouldn’t change anything. It wasn’t her true self. Just an imagine, an alter-ego she created, so why to bother what a stranger was to think? But surprisingly she did care. 

“Thank you…” – her voice seemed less confident to her than it did before; was she letting her old-self reappearing? But she had hidden that little, naïve and fragile girl deep inside for no-one to hurt her again – “Thank you, that’s so kind of you to help a stranger and want nothing in return.” – her voice now louder, but still laced with some hesitance and with curiosity – “It seems it wasn’t the first heel you had to remove…Are you always being a knight for ladies in need?”

Nunnally was ready to leave when he (surprisingly for her) accepted her invitation. An invitation that wasn’t truly offered to him…? Saying these words, offering him another drink, Nunnally hadn't been sure (although now she was) if she wanted them to share their time. But when the mysterious stranger invited her to stay, she quickly nodded with agreement (perhaps too quick as for her own liking).

“I am glad and yes, I do insist.” – she said, finding them to share a table together – “But you’d have to tell me what drink that was. It’s impossible to guess…for me.” – perhaps a more observant person would know? At least she’d remember for the next time. If there was going to be next time – “Unless you prefer something else?”

Yes, her name. She should now introduce herself. But that unexpectedly became a problem. Should she give him her real name? Nunnally usually wouldn’t. She was more inclined to give the one she used when… Well, when trying to be someone else. Nunnally or Mathilde. Mathilde or Nunnally.

“I am Nunnally.” – her hand reached towards Ghost; she wanted to feel his touch, although she didn’t understand why. She wanted to offer him something real, something genuine, although she didn’t understand why either  – “But you can call me Nun if you wish.” – again a sentence she didn’t understand. Like her lips were speaking before her mind could stop them. She had so many questions, but none of them was suitable to ask.

“I have been observing you for a few moments before I approached you.” – a little confession from her – “You stand out from the patrons of this café.” – as probably she did – “Are you from the city or just visiting?”   

“I quite like this place.” – she added out of the blue, perhaps to keep the conversation going – “I come here quite often. They serve one of the best coffee in this city. Are you a coffee drinker?” – was she revealing more than she intended with these simple sentences?

[metaphysiical]

[ chase sui wonders | cis woman | she/her | twenty-four ] ——   welcome to grimrose, erika liu. it’s cool that you’re here, you know. haven’t you heard of the history of this place… anyway, how’s being a newcomer who has been in town for three months, especially since you spend most of your days as a traveling psychic/co-owner of cosmic balance? also, not that it’s a bad thing, of course, but i’ve heard people say you can be a little conniving more than you are seraphic… but that’s just coming from people who are bored here, i promise. to me, you remind me of seven wonders by fleetwood mac and way too many tarot decks for one person, a crystal pendulum swinging in circles with no real answer, and ornate rings adorning every finger. hope to see you around, rikki.

pinterest | inspos: topanga lawrence (boy meets world), gillian owens (practical magic), misty day (ahs: coven), juno macguff (juno), honey lemon (big hero 6).

full name — erika fern liu nickname(s) — rikki name meaning — forever powerful; sole ruler age — twenty-four date of birth — september 27th place of birth — tbd current location — grimrose, new hampshire gender — cis woman pronouns — she / her religion — spiritual/wiccan  occupation — traveling psychic & co-owner of cosmic balance education level — high school diploma residence — small flat above cosmic balance in main street shared with sawyer davis family — jed liu, father & kirsten powers, mother. spoken languages — english faceclaim / voiceclaim — chase sui wonders ability — the ability to manipulate probability

born in a bustling city with two loving parents at her side, rikki knew from the beginning that her family was far from your typical nuclear, white picked fence type of home life. if it was suitable at the time for a family of three ( four when rikki would steal sawyer from her own home ) to live in a van and travel the world without a care... they would’ve.

rikki’s parents were very lowkey. they trusted her with everything ( when they definitely shouldn’t have ) and she grew up to be a very independent kid turned teen turned young adult. however, as independent as she is, she needs sawyer by her side. always. the two basically grew up together — spending every moment together and even finding out their true interests and goals in life. thankfully, they aligned.

she grew up in a very spiritual home who treated each new and full moon as a brand new awakening in life. it only seemed fitting that rikki would grow up practicing and eventually decide to make a career out of it. her and sawyer then hit the road and never looked back, eventually settling down in grimrose. it was a weird feeling, but the two of them let the wheel take them there and then it felt like it would never turn around. little do the two know why ( or that their dads lived in mary’s cove fifty years ago ).

so far, rikki hasn’t even begun to notice her abilities — and that mostly stems from her line of work. being able to manipulate the probability of something happening, or not happening, is something she does almost every day. she believes in the practice, in the universe. how is she to tell she’s actually the one making the decisions all along ?

headcanons

rikki got her first tarot deck at the age of eight. she wishes she still had that same deck today, but her dog ate it in middle school so she got a new one. and another new one. and another.

rikki has always had a sense of good luck when it comes to every day things, but she has terrible luck with relationships. always burning through them until she gets tired and leaves. its great fun in her eyes.

never leave rikki alone with too much hair bleach. you’ve been warned.

[fleastinger]

Fucking christ, i think i need to move on. I keep clinging to the thought of you whenever a crisis happens. I miss talking to you even though its a fantasy at this point and not a risk id want to take. Or just looking at you, hearing from you, even though i dont want to risk the growth and happiness ive had for the last few months. Its maddening. Its evidence of how codependent i was on you, of obsessively looking at you the way you looked at me. I was constantly checking too, always knowing what you were doing and if you watched something or thought of me. I was always trying to meet you on it.

I started blue lock finally. After trying and failing to start the manga 3 times. I think ive watched probably 30 or 49 different once piece episodes, trying to think about who was your favorite and all the things you liked about one piece. I

I keep reading between too many lines just looking at your soundcloud. Its driving me crazy. I feel like you're doing it too. I never know if you repost songs intentionally, to reach me, as if you watch me change my icon every few weeks. You used to ask me to stay quiet whenever you'd play certain songs in the car, just vibing to them and hoping i would understand how you felt about things through them.

I've never been so hot potato with my soundcloud. I got too nosy. When i noticed you unblocked me on instagram, i unblocked you on soundcloud. I missed your message, and it's been hell ever since. And funny, since i was told starting antidepressants would stop me from fixtating on you.

Inever know whatever traces ive left of myself that you see or not. I really tried to wipe myself off of twitter.

Im sorry. I cant trade the amount i miss you with the peace and healing I've had in the months since. I think you're better off without me, that you would resent me for making you hope for me even though ive dated people between us getting together each time. I think i can't be with you until you fix your health and your life, something my therapist calls us codependent trauma on each other.

I havent dreamed of you in a while. But whenever life gets tough, whenever shit gets too real, i think about the feeling of holding you. The way your hair felt under my fingers, how I'd try to be gentle, knowing how sensitive your scalp was. How it felt to cry into you, hearing you tell me how much you loved me and wanted whats best for me. I miss how you loved, even as i learn to love another. I wish i wasn't so controlling and mean, and you weren't someone i was scared of, someone i wanted badly to be doing better only to see relaspe and break my trust .

You never let me into your drug addiction. If you hid that, you could hide anything from me and i would still love you for it, which made me mad.

So when i think of your sweet lips, and the happiness you made me feel, i remind myself of the day you took those muscle relaxers. How i cried and begged for you to get help. How i kept changing what i wanted because i started to believe less and less on if things could work out. How i left, just to go home, cry , and spend a week in bed mad over you.

When i think of the future we couldve had, with our beautiful babies with curly hair and long lashes, maybe freckles and definitely brown hair, I remind myself of the past we did have. Of you feeling like i abandoned you, and always thinking i would leave.

So im sorry. I hope you moved on from me. I hope you liked that song because you met someone that made you listen to mariya takeuchi instead of my birth month being in september. I hope your emojis on your profile page is for someone else, not me. And i hope you forgot my twitter name being fleastinger, that you never find this page of my sorry ass trying to get over you.

[deeahhnuh]

2023!

I’ve done this year-in-review thing since 2007! 2007-2012 are over on my old LiveJournal, and 2013-on are right here on my Tumblr. :)

2023 - been there, done that year! Let's make 2024 a good 'un! :)

What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?

Not much - I was pretty consistently dull, I guess lol!

—

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't make 'em in any official way - like, an actual list or anything. But I always try to keep "be healthy (in lots of ways)" as my big hope for the year!

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Did anyone close to you give birth?

No lil' bbs this year, aw!

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Did anyone close to you die?

Thank goodness, no.

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What countries did you visit?

I never go anywhere lol

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What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?

The "humble ambitions and hopes" I noted in last year's answer are still there, all humble and hopeful. But I am incredibly thankful to have what I do have!!!

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What date(s) from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Huh, no big dates this year. Like I said, consistently dull lol!

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What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I have successfully (I think!) maintained the bangs I gave myself last year! Happily, I haven't managed to accidentally cut them too short or wonky. I like having 'em! :)

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What was your biggest failure?

No big fails this year, lol!

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Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh golly, I had a tooth thing that started in November 2022 and was completed in September of this year! I am so fortunate and very, very glad that it all went perfectly - the oral surgeon and my dentist were a dream team!!! :)

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What was the best thing you bought?

Music! It's vital to my existence, lol.

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Whose behavior merited celebration?

My dental dream team lol! :) And in non-medical peeps - my mama, who is just... well, she keeps me goin'. ♥

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Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Can't think of anything off the top of my head!

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Where did most of your money go?

Music, I guess! A worthy spend!

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What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Holidays and good times - birthdays 'n' such!

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What song will always remind you of 2023?

Every year, I keep a playlist on Spotify of songs that sparked joy - here's my 2023 list! But also, "Padam Padam" by my queen, Kylie Minogue!

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Compared to this time last year (2022), are you:

About the same, lol?

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What do you wish you’d done more of?

I keep enjoying most of the same dang stuff. So, more new music. More new movies. More new TV shows. More new!

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What do you wish you’d done less of?

See my last answer: I wish I'd done less of the same old same old! :)

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How did you spend Christmas?

Fam, ham. 'Tis the season!

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What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2023?

Haha, happily I didn't do anything too stupid. Still a few days left in the year, though!! :)

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How many one-night stands?

This answer is always "none" - lol, same as the question about visiting different countries - so why do I leave it in?!

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What was your favorite TV program?

Well I'm a complete goofball, so I love mah cartoons: Family Guy, always, and I watched a lot of American Dad too. I also adore Bravo - Real Housewives, Southern Charm, that sort of thing!

But as for, like, quality programming - Only Murders in the Building is a faaave, and I can't believe What We Do in the Shadows' next season will be its last!! I love it so much.

Oh and also The Golden Bachelor - it was a hoot!

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How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023?

PJs! Nah, but I do try to be polished and classy-ish! (When I'm not just in my PJs.)

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What kept you sane?

I said "music" last year - and it's the same answer for 2023! :)

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Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

This is another question I should probably cut from this list, lol!

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What was the best book you read in 2023?

Pbffft, I will read books next year. And the first book I shall read is one I got this year, by Michael Cragg: Reach for the Stars. It's about British pop music from 1996-2006. Perfection!!

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What was your greatest musical discovery?

I listened to a lot of synth-y '80s stuff on Spotify "80s Mix" playlists the last half of the year; not sure why I did, but it was a good choice! Yazoo kept me groovin'!

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What did you want and get?

This isn't a really serious thing, except it is if you love great music! :) This year marked the 20th anniversary of Dannii Minogue's magnum opus Neon Nights - a whopping 7-disc edition of the masterpiece was released and I am so happy to own it!! However! Not too pleased to feel as old as I do when I remember buying the imported original at Tower Records twenty years ago lol!

Anyways, when it comes to really, truly serious things I want - sure, there are things (those humble ambitions and hopes I mentioned earlier) - but I have what I need. I'm good. :)

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What did you want and not get?

See above!!

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What was your favorite film of this year?

Scrapbook linking time! I don't have one single "favorite film of this year" - I enjoyed a lot of great movies!

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What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Chilled out! 37!!

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What three things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Some things prob could have been better, easier, or calmer - but that's every year, isn't it? This year was okay. :)

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Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Everyone? But to narrow it down to one guy, if I have to lol: Michael Shannon got a mention in my answer to this question last year, and - lucky guy - he gets a mention this year, too.

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What political issue stirred you the most?

It's all terrible.

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Who did you miss?

I will repeat what I said last year, because reading it back now, I gotta say I like the way I put it! And just like last year, I mean it just as much. "Family - those we’ve lost, and those who are simply not near. ♥"

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What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023?

Just keep at it!

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What quote can be used to sum up your year?

A bit from the incomparable It's a Wonderful Life came back to me at times this year - George Bailey, excoriating Potter: "what'd you say a minute ago? They had to wait and save their money before they even ought to think of a decent home? Wait? Wait for what?! Until their children grow up and leave them? Until they're so old and broken down that they… Do you know how long it takes a working man to save $5,000?"

The "wait for what?!" line hits me. I know he's talking about being being kind and decent to others; it's a key message in the movie, of course.

But this year, I also interpreted as - we wait so often. But we've only got now. We gotta live a little now, in spite of (in defiance of) whatever hard stuff is going on in our lives. ♥

...but the actual quote that sums up my 2023 is "padam."

2024 is coming! Happy (almost) New Year, Tumblr! :)

[gameside]

Why the hell did they think I was a troll?? Was that a democrat or republican, Because I can't tell but it could very well be either because both sides have some crazy fucking people. I don't even think what I want is that insane, But then again I haven't posted here since my mother finally stopped basically feeding me 24/7 insane propaganda like 'snake people' and shit.

I'm not even against abortion 100%, I just don't think the procedure should be a fucking thing outside of medical reasons!!! Medical reasons being the mother would die from the birth and a pill wouldn't take care of it. Abortion pills work for 15 weeks, AKA 3.5 fucking months!! Thats enough, Isn't it?? I can understand case by case using the procedure if pills aren't working, But gosh!

I'm not giving cops money and cheering them on in the streets, But I'm also not gonna tell them to fucking die!! Saying all cops are bad because there are a few that's corrupted is crazy! I've had cops save my life, I've had them traumatize me as well. Yes, Some are absolutely fucking insane and not ready to be a cop! We don't need to abolish police, (though I would REALLY prefer the alternative of ELECTING A SHERRIF and letting them have a DEPUTY and that be it, The Deputy giving others training to be public servant ect ect or whatever happens with deputies) We just need to give all police officers the same training military gets so they don't accidentally shoot, So they're ready for situations that would require being calm even if they're at gunpoint!! Give them a fucking mental evaluation!!

And don't get me fucking STARTED on school shootings. It could ALL be PREVENTED by giving teachers guns inside of a safe, In every classroom. Mental evaluations every WEEK for the teachers. School shootings are so common now, But when my dad was a kid they had shit like archery practice and he told me that in his entire time there no accidents happened!!! It got banned after some parents complained it 'could be dangerous.' Schools need way more fucking funding and put TRUSTED people as teachers. We need to give our schools the help we can since the fucking government isnt.

And I'm gay, You all know my fucking stance on that. I think being trans is a REAL thing that happens! I think some people would GENUINELY be happier as the other gender, But I think letting children, Who're EASILY INFLUENCED by EVERYTHING!!! I thought I was a fucking zombie because I loved zombie movies!! If I could've chosen I would've LOVED to be PERMANENTLY DISFIGURED to LOOK LIKE A ZOMBIE!! And I would've fucking regretted it later. My entire life I've gone by so many different names. 'Zack' in kindergarten through 2nd grade, And then in 3rd I tried to get everyone to call me 'Rose' And then, In 7th grade, For a while, I used my real name. Then in 9th I told people I was trans and to call me Mark. It's since been changed again, But I don't wanna give out my age, Grade or new name people could identify me irl with. I am biologically a woman (and don't plan on changing that, I just like guy names) and so many times in the past I would have JUMPED at the chance to do hormone therapy, WHICH MULTIPLE PEOPLE WHO'VE GONE ON SAY IS NOT REVERSABLE LIKE THEY SAY, Or to completely transition. The reason so many trans people kill themselves isn't from bullying, It's because so many people make a mistake and rush to cut it off or stitch it on and then realize they'll never be the same, Or they realize that it hurts horribly every day and theres no going back to how they used to be, Or they realize they weren't trans in the first place. Some people just like people someone else online, Being different characters, Or like being boys online and a girl in real life. That isn't them being trans, Its just liking a persona. I probably worded this one weirdly I'll just take asks about it and clarify anything that may have came off wrong

I am autistic and have ADHD, BPD and possibly schizophrenia, So I'm not ableist.

My older sister, Whom I grew up with and love dearly, Is black. I do not find my race superior to any others, So I'm not a racist.

My dad is the most important person in my life, And I want to be just like him, No daddy issues.

Mommy issues though, You got me there haha

I don't hate men, In fact so many times here I've stuck up for them. Equal rights, Equal fights. Equal rights ALSO means whatever a WOMAN does, It's okay for a MAN to do. Single fathers shouldnt get suspicious or dirty looks just for fucking existing with their child.

I don't hate women, I love women (literally I'm a lesbian). I think equal pay is fair if both genders are doing the same amount of work, So like. Basically I think more jobs should be 'You get paid per amount of work' and not 'fuck you guys even if he sleeps all day and does none of the work we pay him twice as much because he's been here long >:('

I have bitches, Usually a new one every week honestly (I start relationships fast, I'm 'pretty' for societies standards so it's easy to get more girls), But I'm settling down for now and I'm actually happy

I don't know why I'm still writing literally nobody asked okay bye