#there was only 1 time I actually deleted my acct out of fear of how ppl would treat me- and it was bc I was dating you!

[snekdood]

personally, i dont see the fundamental difference between deleting your account and making a new one and deleting all your old posts, if we're talking about "running from ones past", then what are you tryna hide there, bud?

[mbti-notes]

ENFJ. My younger brother is an ENFP, and I think he's been in the grip of inferior Si for a while now. He had a difficult time accumulating college credits, but he graduated from college a few months ago--about a year and a half after his peers (obviously not a big deal but becomes relevant below). He wasn't able to find a job while he was in school and hasn't been able to get a job since he graduated. After college, he didn't want to move back in with my mom (ESTJ), and I wasn't in a place(1/2)

[con’t: mentally or emotionally to be able to care for him, which I let him know. I did tell him my door would be open as soon as I worked out my own personal issues (which I feel like I have now). He ended up moving in with an aunt and uncle, who agreed that he could stay with them while he looked for work. On our last phone call, I suggested he find a temporary job so that he could help out, and he blew up on me, maybe thinking I didn’t believe he could find the type of work he’s looking for. He told me that he was going to prove that he was better than me (Te grip). I told him that we weren’t competing and that I wanted him to be happy. He repeated that he was competing with me (Te grip) and told me not to give him unsolicited advice. He hasn’t replied to any of my calls or messages since. Since then several family members have become concerned because he’s become reclusive, hasn’t been able to find work, and doesn’t take advice to seek help. I’ve sent him encouraging messages and have tried to help him develop his Fi/Te by sending him materials related to MBTI (including this blog) and books by Simon Sinek (leadership) and others, but I don’t know if he’s totally shut me out at this point. I think he’s not only trying to compete with me but his peers, as he’s always compared himself w/ others. I think he’s insecure about his situation, especially since others in his peer group may seem to be doing well. (He keeps deleting his social media accts but then reactivating, which makes me think he’s driving himself crazy by continuing to compare himself to others) I never said this to him, but I was worried he might become a burden if he didn’t try to help out, & yesterday my aunt texted me as much… How do I help him to end Si grip, accept his reality, and follow a healthy course of action? He seems fragile. I plan to visit soon.]

In terms of your relationship with him, I think you’ve bumped up against common Fe v Fi problems. When you give him advice, you believe that you’re being helpful in guiding him toward solutions. I believe that your intent to help is genuine. However, he obviously doesn’t see it that way and you’re not quite hearing his point, which means that, even if you do manage to open up the lines of communication, you might make the same mistake again. You aren’t able to understand this situation from his perspective.

Not being able to find a job upon graduation is a HUGE life stressor and a great source of shame for anyone who wishes to be a normal and competent adult. The longer it drags on, the worse his mental state gets. He’s FP and I can guarantee you that he feels incredibly awful about this problem to the point where it really impacts his self-esteem, so of course he seems fragile because he is. Therefore, when you say “get a temporary job so that you can help out”, what he hears is that you have judged him as an incompetent and ungrateful leech, and basically a loser who can’t do anything right. 

He expects that, as a sibling, you should be a cheerleader rather than yet another critical voice in his head wagging a finger about what a failure he is. Instead of being supportive and encouraging, you’re actually reinforcing and validating his worse fears about being helpless and powerless. The more he dwells on his own helplessness, the more he will start to believe it until he finally feels that there’s no other option than to give up on himself. When somebody already feels like a loser, they don’t need to be reminded that others perceive them that way too. Keep in mind that self-esteem problems can often be worse for men because they are socialized to believe that they should be independent and powerful, that’s why a lot of men can’t bring themselves to ask for help even when they really need it.

What can you do? Listen to him and do exactly what he asks because Fi knows what it needs: Stop giving unsolicited advice, stop acting like you know better about him and his life, and start being encouraging and supportive. Make clear that you don’t care about his “status” or level of success because what you really care about is him and his well-being. I hear very little empathy from you about how this situation is affecting him, only about how he’s failed and it affects everyone around him, which is essentially blaming him for dragging everyone else down. Your aunt and uncle agreed to take him in and it is their responsibility for making that choice, it’s not for you to worry on their behalf, and it’s not your place to meddle in their relationship behind his back. I doubt you would like someone doing that to you.Stop projecting your Fe and trying to make him see through your eyes about what you believe his problem is. It’s not helpful.

FPs need to work out life at their own pace, they need to learn from their own missteps, and they will reach out when they feel it is necessary. He’s not going to reach out to you if he believes he won’t get the support he needs. You are right to reassure him that you’ll be there for him, but refrain from any behavior that might be construed as “pushing” or “pressuring” or “criticizing” or “correcting” because, to him, it reveals what you really think of him, and he doesn’t need the stress of disappointing you on top of his own disappointment in himself. He’s lashing out at you because your advice is in fact a negative judgment about his character, you do indeed judge him as a failure, and it is pushing him to “compensate” and prove that he’s not the loser you think he is. This is counter-productive for his development because it means that he’s not wanting progress for the right reasons, and it leads to Te loop and chasing all the wrong things to cover up his pain. 

Listen to his pain so that he can have a chance to honor it and move past it, but you can’t do that if you yourself are afraid of pain or think of it as “weakness” and always try to “fix fix fix” it. Trying to “fix” someone means that you believe they’re broken; tell someone they’re broken enough times and they’ll believe it. (Fear of brokenness is actually an ENFJ fear, so perhaps you’re projecting.) Not being able to find a job is a practical problem that needs a practical solution, so don’t cruelly treat him as a moral failure and maybe he’ll be more receptive to your help.