#what can I say- ig i learned how to cover my tracks from you.

[snekdood]

personally, i dont see the fundamental difference between deleting your account and making a new one and deleting all your old posts, if we're talking about "running from ones past", then what are you tryna hide there, bud?

[phantom-does-a-thing]

phantom can you pls tell me about dissection. its not a thing here, and part of me is relieved but another part of me really wishes i could see some guts. pls tell how its like pls pls pls

Well, I don’t know how big of a thing it is here since I’ve only participated in two dissections in school lol. A lot of other people got to do like pig hearts or other organs like that but I don’t know what schools they went to or what science track they took bc admittedly I had biology during distance learning and took chem last year. I just happened to take anatomy this year bc I did NOT want to take physics but I really like this class.

I’ve never talked about the dissection we just did in detail bc it feels idk weird to talk about on tumblr bc of what we dissected it grosses a lot of people out so uh idk

Tw for animal death and talking about like dead stuff ig

We dissected cats which was super shocking to everyone tbh but I was super excited bc I like dissecting things. Dude I get so cocky about loving gore and stuff and being okay with dead stuff or whatever.

The first day of dissection my teacher was trying to demonstrate something and needed a volunteer and because I’m cocky n everything I volunteered and she had me hold the (wrapped in a plastic bag) cat, and these cats are skinned already to save us some time bc otherwise we would’ve had to skin them. So they didn’t have skin. I’ve never seen dead animals like this. Especially not a dead cat. She had me hold it. Lua I almost passed out I had to lean against the counter (I didn’t pay attention to what she was saying). It’s a little funny but ooohhhh that was a feeling.

Since it’s for like anatomy class we obviously had to do like anatomy stuff n like these cats were skinned which is. Very weird. And also preserved so like smells like chemicals. One dude in my group literally did not touch the cat once while I was the one consistently manhandling it LOL I would pick it up and move it around when putting it away n stuff. It was kinda heavy too. Like that was a workout.

The reason we did cats was bc the muscles r most similar to human muscles and my high school anatomy teacher unfortunately cannot get human cadavers lol.

It was really fun tho I really really enjoyed it except for being tested on it, that kinda sucked. It was also not necessarily a competition but me n the other girl in my group were both so into it so it was a constant back and forth of taking turns cutting stuff that we had to cut. Cutting off the fascia from the muscles was genuinely kinda fun except when we don’t know what to cut </3

But opening it up was genuinely the most fun part bc mmmmmmmmmmm organs. It was so. Full. And the abdominal cavity just opened right up and I was so surprised that nothing was really like attached to the wall or anything, I expected it to be similar to the fascia on the muscles but it just opened it up and oh, organs. It was super cool. The small intestines felt so mmmmmmm.

They felt good to run your fingers through and they fell together against each other easily where they were supposed to be. Everything fit together. We also had to break the ribs open to get the thoracic cavity open (mmmmmmm bones) but we just cut through the sternum which was a jarring feeling bc that doesn’t seem like you should be able to cut it open like that!!! But ooouuughhhh yea it changed me.

I have pictures but I’m not gonna post them for obvious reasons </3

It was such an interesting experience I loved it so much getting to see inside. Our superior vena cava got blown out when they were preserving the cat so we didn’t have that in ours LOL. They injected dye into the veins and arteries so we could tell the difference. There’s something so… visceral about scraping at the internal dorsal wall of a cat, the intestines pushed out the way and your gloves covered in loose tissue and digging for the veins/arteries to separate them. I wonder if I have a pic of the veins bc I got them SO clean and well defined it. Ough. Thinking of the veins.

I’ve only other dissected a worm so I’ve not done it often but the cat dissection we did was so much fun. I cut open the trachea at the end and that was. An experience. I have a very distinct imagined feeling of what it would feel like to sink your teeth into a trachea just from that experience. Sawing it open sounded similar to running your nail down the teeth of a comb. It was weird. And just a hollow tube.

:) it was fun :) I wish I could do it again

[sukirichi]

earned it [06]

Gojo Satoru is a firm believer that if you work hard for it then you shall earn it. But on the other side, he’s not unfamiliar with his own sins. He also believes that there is punishment due for his sins as he’s earned it.

cw. attempted murder and suicide, angst ig i feel nothing at this point because NAOYA 😭

notes. i’m rolling with the earned it jokes that reader is shippable with everyone so HAH enjoy this chapter because I didn’t enjoy the last LMAO (IM SO EXCITED FOR TOJI TO APPEAR!)

series masterlist

Your muscles throbbed, the pounding of your heart felt even through your skin. You’ve spent hours in the training room, taking punch by punch, landing blow by blow – yet no matter how hard you tried, you kept falling on your ass. At this point, your backside was beyond sore, skin drenched with sweat and clothes sticking uncomfortably to the surface. Meanwhile, your ‘savior’ barely felt the need to catch his breath, instead gazing down at you with disappointment written all over his face.

“Why do you expect so much from me?” you panted, fists clenched on the mat. “Didn’t you tell me you just needed me to get your money back and that’s it? I didn’t ask for you to do anything so stop telling me I’m indebted to you all the time.”

Naoya clicked his tongue, clearly disappointed by your lack of resolve. Above you, he swept up his cane and finally balanced himself. You previously thought he didn’t struggle because he looked so calm and composed, easily overpowering you even with his injury, but his lips were strained, jaw clenched tight that perhaps he was just good at concealing his pain. It made you shut up and watch his every move; his back faced you – probably to hide whatever fleeting moment of vulnerability he had.

“I won’t always be there to save your sorry life,” he said calmly, “You need to learn how to be strong on your own no matter how tough it gets. Now if you’ll keep complaining instead of finishing your training, I could happily lock you up and force you to do my dirty work for me.”

“Then why don’t you go ahead?!”

“I don’t want to,” Naoya responded without missing a beat. He easily closed the distance with a few staggered steps, his head tilted to the side as he surveyed you.

You wondered what went through his mind. Did he see a weak woman? A woman who must be so helpless, so useless that you stayed there, legs too tired and muscles aching too much you couldn’t move? There was no telling with Naoya, and his guarded gaze didn’t help either. Satoru had always been difficult to read at most, but with Naoya – it was practically impossible.

Even as he cupped your chin and twisted it sideways, his eyes narrowed over all your features like he saw something you didn’t, he was too guarded.

“I need you in taking down Gojo Satoru. In order to accomplish that, I have to use his weakness against him. You showing up won’t be enough. No, I want to hurt him…and what better way than to take what was once his, right? Dangle right in front of his eyes what he let go of, make him regret his actions?” his smile turned dark, and for the first time since you’ve met him, you got a glance of what his heart really looked like.

It wasn’t true that Naoya was heartless – no, he just had a dark, sinister heart that didn’t beat the same tune as others. He played his own music with the bones of his enemies, drinking their lifeline from a gold cup and drowning in them, his ominous laughter the perfect antithetical melody of what could’ve been angelic hums.

“Don’t you want that?”

His question made your heart skipped a beat. This whole time, you’ve been so hell bent on achieving something, but what you wanted to reach had never been clear. You were too driven by emotions, by the pain Satoru’s absence had caused, and now that the opportunity was presented before you, you faltered.

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Well, if you ask me what I want…” he tilts your chin up with his finger “It would be to see you strong enough that even you would be capable of taking me down. So be strong, keep fighting – I’ll be there with you every step of the way. You only have one job, and that is to live. I am not allowing you to give up at the slightest of minor inconveniences.”

“And if I get weak?” you questioned with an oscillating tremor, the bite of his cold skin against your heated ones spiking. “If I want to give up? Would I fail you then?”

“I don��t think you’re someone who cares about failing others, so don’t fret whether you’d please me or not,” Just like that, Naoya’s scornful tone had risen again. He let go of you until you dropped down to your palms, blinking back at the sudden change of atmosphere. “Like I said, just do what you need to do, keep going. Don’t look back or be afraid to take the next big step because I’ll always be there right beside you.”

“Why should I trust you?”

“I’m not asking you to, princess,” he snickered, already half way to the door that only he was allowed to go in. Even though you’ve been staying in his manor for quite some time, there were still some things Naoya didn’t trust you with, leaving you only more curious to find out the secrets within.

“Only time will tell. But once you’ve made your decision, know that my ring is always waiting beside your table,” his voice echoed through the large room, stopping in his tracks to look at you once more. This time, he had no haunting features, only the cold emptiness likened to staring back to an infinite void of nothingness.

“I expect an answer when I get home.”

You still remembered the day you decided to wear his ring. Naoya had come then, tired and aggravated from matters he didn’t bother explaining. You stood on his doorway, lips shut tight as you nervously fiddled with your ring, unsure if whether you should tell him or allow him to piece the puzzle himself.

Thankfully, Naoya was a lot more observant than you gave him credit for.

His eyes slid over your face before he followed the motion of your fingers, smirking as the jewel glinted under the bright lights of his home. Wise choice, he’d once told you, and you believed it.

Your life hadn’t been the same ever since. Your spontaneous marriage equated to hellish training of perfecting your image as his trophy wife, spending hours in his secret laboratory and discussing business plans through a glass of wine. Naoya wasn’t around much to teach you everything and it pained him to be your own trainer too so you had to ask help from his guards, refusing to give up and fall down even as your muscles screamed at you to take a break. For Naoya, with Naoya, giving up and running away felt like a myth; a buried solution in the past that should never be brought up again. But now that he was gone, you did exactly that.

You’d given up. Satoru had made you run away.

“Miss,” a deep voice cut you from your thoughts. You tore your gaze away from the  glowing night city of Milan to turn to Satoru’s right hand man, the tall figure looming rather shyly instead of imposingly. “You haven’t eaten since we got here. Would you like anything? Mr. Gojo will cover your expenses.”

“I want to go home.”

He froze at your deadpan statement. Finally meeting your gaze under his lashes, Geto pursed his lips. “You know we can’t do that, Miss. It’s unsafe back in Japan.”

“And who’s to say Toji won’t follow us here?” you snapped, pushing your weight off the Cleopatra set and uncrossing your legs. “Why can’t your stupid boss just activate the account and give it back to us? I think we’ve made it clear we’re more than capable of handling our finances, and I’m pretty sure Satoru doesn’t need any more money when he can afford all this.”

“Mr. Gojo…has his reasons for everything he does.”

You laughed bitterly. Maybe it was the fact that Satoru had left this morning for whatever business he had that you didn’t have anyone else to let your anger out to that you’d swiped your gun under your thigh holster and dashed his way.

Geto’s back slammed against the wall, the cool barrel of your gun pressed to his jaw. He swallowed nervously, eyes darting to your weapon, and you laughed heartlessly. “Oh, please, do tell because nothing makes sense,” you crooned, flipping the safety off and letting your heated gaze meet his rather docile ones. You almost felt bad for him. Almost.

“I could easily put a bullet through your head and hijack his plane. I’ll be gone before you know it and who’s to stop me from doing that? Why should I stay here any longer with you?”

“Because your husband asked you to,” Geto responded softly. You stepped back with wide eyes, yesterday’s event crashing all over you once again. He must’ve sensed you no longer held any hostility because he used his pointer finger to move the barrel away from him, gently peeling your hands off his suit. “Because you know, if you go back to Japan, there will be nothing waiting for you there.”

You balled your fists. “I will kill Fushiguro Toji myself. Then I’ll kill Satoru.”

“Even if he used to be your lover?”

“Especially because he used to be my lover.”

Okay…maybe your plan of escaping and returning to Japan hadn’t worked out that well. Exhaustion finally crept up to your senses that you passed out not long after attacking Geto – who reassured you to no end he wasn’t mad you tried to kill him – and days have passed ever since. You hated to admit it, but being stuck in an overseas hotel wasn’t so bad. Geto’s presence was a lot more comforting than his master’s that you didn’t mind having him watch your every move. Plus, he was really nice to immediately follow your every whim. You wanted hot chocolate? Extra pillows? A really expensive wine that you refused to pay for because you were petty and dramatic? He provided it all without question.

Except he probably should have, because you’d stripped off to your underwear, head tipped back to take one final swig of the nearly empty bottle as you slid deeper into the tub.

Your fiery nature of rolling your eyes at Satoru every time he came around (which was rare, for some reason) couldn’t fool anyone – not even yourself. The moment Geto retired to the living room, you would bite the pillows to muffle your cries, thinking back to when Naoya was still alive. It was an endless torment of what if you had stayed, what if you had pushed the rubble off him, what if you just saved him?

Would he still be alive? Would he have survived? Would you be back with him in the Zen’in Estate instead of holding your breath under the tub in a desperate attempt to conceal your tears?

It hurt so bad. It hurt everywhere.

Your lungs begged you to rise up and breathe, but you stayed still under the water, eyes shut tight and hands clenched around the tub’s edges so hard your knuckles turned white. Soon, you grew dizzy and your grip slipped away. Finally, fucking finally, you were falling, falling way too deep that your legs bent inside the tub. Bubbles erupted from your lips in one last breath. At the back of your mind, you let out a sincere laugh for you’d meet your husband soon. He’d be disappointed, probably scold you all the way to the afterlife – until strong arms pulled you out of the tub and into someone’s chest instead.

“Shit, what are you doing?! You could’ve drowned!”

You coughed out water and fisted Satoru’s button-up shirt that had now clung to his skin from the water. Looking around you, you were still very much alive, the uncomfortable twisting of your heart a painful reminder of that. Above you, Satoru sat you in his lap while he remained cross-legged on the floor, muttering curses under his breath as he wrapped a towel around you.

Scoffing, you pushed his hands away, though you kept the towel anyway to lessen your shivering. Why the fuck was the AC so damn strong here?

“Dying seems like a better option, don’t you think?” you snarled at him, teeth chattering from the chill that had begin to seep in.

Momentarily, you worried on how much of a hot mess you probably looked like. Smudged eyeliner, wine-stained lips, unbrushed hair and remnants of the wine mixing with the once clear bath water – you shook your head at the thought and glared at Satoru.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

“I was out contacting friends to ask for help. We’re going to need a hundred pairs of eyes watching anywhere that Toji could possibly come through.”

“Is this your pathetic idea of ‘keeping me safe’? Locking me up in this stupid hotel and having your man watch me all the time?” you pushed yourself off him, the sudden motion of standing up giving you wobbly legs. Satoru reached over to steady you but you slapped his hand away, your glare warning him to not take another step.

Seeing his face, seeing him worried as if he didn’t just cause your life to turn into absolute hell, you wanted to grab the wine bottle and smash it right at his pretty face. He had no right to look at you with pity.

You hated him, utterly and terribly despised this man with your entire being.

“What are you really planning, Satoru? Why can’t we just come back home and attack Toji with all we’ve got? Why don’t you just give back our fucking money so we can end all this for once and for all and I can leave?!”

“Because I don’t have the money!”

“What?”

“The money…” Satoru’s back slid off the wall, his palm coming up to thread through his hair. He sounded weak, defeated. “I don’t have it.”

“Gojo,” you snatched him by the collar, teeth bared as you demanded, “What do you mean you don’t have it?”

Satoru paled. “When I stole the money from the Zen’ins, the figures were all fake. They’re not real, there’s no actual money hidden behind their accounts and it was too late before I realized that,” his lips trembled as he continued, “Whatever Toji placed in there, it’s not his actual account where he hides everything and it would make sense too because I stole it too easily – almost as if they wanted me to take it. A few hacks here and there and it was immediately wired to me but after meeting you…” Satoru shook his head, chin dropped down low. “I checked again and the account never existed. It’s a fake one. The digits are just there for show.”

“So then why would Toji want it? Why did my husband have to die for nothing?!”

“I don’t know, okay, I don’t know anything!” he argued back until your faces grew closer, his nose brushing with yours.

Somehow, you couldn’t pull away. His knees had drawn up, forcing you to rest on his thighs as you both breathed heavily, your grip on his collar almost havered.

“Whatever the Zen’ins are hiding, that’s beyond me. I may be in the business for far longer than they have, but they have always been notorious with their possessions that I’m not surprised even I can’t find where it really leads back to. Whatever Toji is hiding there, your husband must’ve known something about it. Why else would they fight tooth and bone over it?”

“If there was, Naoya would’ve told me about it.”

“He would if he trusted you,” Satoru suddenly grabbed your wrist and shook it until you stared at your ring. “How are you even so sure he could trust you with that information? Have you forgotten you’re just a pawn to his game and you’re nothing but a bed warmer?”

“Don’t you ever speak about us that way. You don’t know how much he cared for me.”

“If he really did, then why didn’t he tell you why his cousin is after you? He’s using you as bait, Y/N. I’m not the bad guy here. That man you’re so deeply in love with? I can’t guarantee he’s better than me. We’re all men in the mafia, love is the last thing we would care about.”

You pushed yourself off him.

His words stung too much, not because it was a lie, but because you know there was some sort of truth ringing behind it. You trudged out of the bathroom and sat on the bed, unstirred by the fact you dripped all over the carpeted floor. From behind you, Satoru’s rushed footsteps echoed, but you didn’t care. You simply threw on a robe with your back turned to him.

“And you’d know that better than everyone right? Considering how easy it was for you to leave me?” When Satoru didn’t respond, you chuckled humorlessly and sat on the bed. “What Naoya and I had…it was a friendship that healed my soul. I don’t…I don’t know what to do without him.”

“Friendship?”

You smiled sadly. “I wasn’t actually in love with him, idiot. Men like Naoya don’t know what love is, but he sure does know how to protect family.”

The notion of talking about him, of accepting that maybe he really was gone…somewhat reliving.

Satoru was the last person you wanted to talk to your late husband about, but Geto – which is the much better company – wasn’t around, and you hugged your knees to yourself, refusing to let Satoru see through your vulnerability.

“You know, I trusted him more than I did myself. He was always there for me, no matter what. His soul was dark, angry, corrupted – he’s not the man I would fall for, but despite all that, he was the friend I needed,” you buried your face in your knees, voice muffled as you cried, your heart shattering again and again and again.

The ring on your finger had never felt so heavy ever since you wore it.

“I loved him as much as I hated you.”

Satoru was silent, so much so that you wondered if he was even in the same room at all. You sat there crying, too hopeless to even try to conceal it anymore. Shivering, you close your eyes and forced the image of Naoya’s last moments away from your memories, desperately praying to whoever had mercy that you could just forget all about it.

“Geto told me you tried to kill him,” Satoru murmured after a beat, “You could’ve easily escaped and went back to Japan if you wanted to, so why didn’t you? Was it because of me?”

You remembered what you tried to do today.

Just like that, Naoya was alive once more. You were brought back to the day of your wedding when he’d clasped your sweaty, clammy hands in his, rubbing some warmth in them before pressing a kiss at the top of your knuckles. He’d asked you to promise him something then – an entire contrast from his constants orders over your well-being – and it was a promise you’d momentarily forgotten; a promise you’d broken out of mourning.

“Naoya once told me,” you reminisced through dry, cracked lips and even more shattered heart, the picture of his disappointment as clear as day. “Death was the only place he can go where he would never allow me to follow.”

It took a lot, but it somehow got better. After allowing yourself a faint moment of weakness where Naoya resurfaced in your mind to remind you of our promise and your purpose, you felt stronger, somewhat steadier with each step you took. You were still wary around Satoru, although that was a given.

His friend, Geto, was really nice, on the other hand, and you couldn’t explain why you always lowered your guard around the formal dark-haired assistant.

You and Geto were playing chess when Satoru barged in out of nowhere, a plate and a syrup condenser on his hand. “So I got you breakfast,” was his greeting, nodding at Geto once as a silent order to give you two privacy. You pouted as the latter left, but soon your attention had been diverted to the heavenly aroma filling in your senses. Seeing your approval, Satoru hid a smile behind his dark sunglasses. “Still like pancakes?”

“Trying to get into my good graces now?”

“I’m just trying to cheer you up.”

You rolled your eyes but snatched the plate from him anyway. “So I talked to my lawyer,” you begun, pouring syrup all over the fluffy bread until it was almost spilling to the sides. Beside you, Satoru’s snickers were barely muffled, to which you ignored wholeheartedly. “They’ve already processed my inheritance over Naoya’s possessions and assets. Once we return to Japan, I’ll be the next leader of the Zen’in Clan, much to the disappointment of his elders, of course, but they can’t do anything about it,” you informed him with your fork hanging in mid-air, the words falling thickly. “You know what that means, don’t you?”

“That we’re back to being enemies?”

You offered him a sarcastic smile. “Naoya lied about strengthening his alliance with your family. He doesn’t actually give a fuck about you.”

“I figured that much,” he snickered to himself, shifting his weight until his elbows rested on his thighs. “Listen…a friend of mine is flying to Milan tonight to meet us. They have strong connections with banks all over the world and they brought in some information about that hidden Zen’in account. I think we’re finally getting off to somewhere and finding out what really is in there,” Satoru gauged for your reaction, but you kept eating – more like stuffing the pancakes inside your mouth for you were finally free of having to act perfect without your husband.

Satoru’s hand landed on top of yours. “I promise…I’ll give it back to right where it belongs. As soon as it’s wired back to you, I’m setting you free.”

You stared at the unwanted figure over you, and you snatched your hand back, waving a bread knife below his lashes. “You can’t set me free when I was never yours,” you sang breathily, the tip of the blade hovered right at his lips. Satoru raised a brow at you, but you quickly retrieved the knife back with widened eyes. “Now that you mention it…I think Naoya told me something about his family stashing secret weapons and even heirlooms through offshore accounts and buried under islands. He was a little sleepy during that time but I remember it,” pushing the plate away from you as you lost your appetite, you clutched your palms under your chin in thought. “He said he was looking for something he lost as a child, possibly an heirloom.”

“He’s doing all this for heirlooms?” Satoru immediately coughed his words back when you glared at him, raising his hands in surrender. “I mean, I was just saying. I didn’t think he was a sentimental type of guy.”

“The question here is what both Toji and Naoya could’ve both wanted from that account. It’s not just an heirloom, obviously there’s something there worth more than money,” You argued and slapped your knees, heading straight to your (unfortunately) shared room. “Whatever. I’ll get this over with as soon as I get the money back.”

Satoru, as always, was hot on your heels. It annoyed you how he trailed over you like some sort of puppy or shadow – Naoya had always been too classy to not give you space.

The difference between them just kept getting more and more uncannily obvious.

“Whoa there, stop. Did you really think I’d give back the money to you and that’s it? Are you forgetting the fact Toji is out there to kill you just so he can have his hands on it?”

“He can have the money for all I fucking care,” you shrugged and sat on your bed, scrolling through numerous piles of emails and records that Naoya entrusted you to keep. Surely you could find something. “I just need to find whatever Naoya’s spent his whole life killing for.”

“Why don’t you care about the money? Didn’t Naoya expect you to take over his business?”

Your thumb froze over a file. Suddenly, your throat grew dry, and you quickly flashed Satoru a stinky eye. “I-it’s not my main concern.”

“It’s not safe for you. If Toji finds out—”

Got it. You bookmarked an email Naoya had forwarded you around three years ago and resent it to an old friend, pocketing the phone back to your pyjamas before Satoru could see. “I’ll handle it. I’ve been doing well so far before you came into our lives again,” you finalized, stopping for a bit as you waited for that all-too familiar footfall matching with yours, only for the room to be coated in silence.

Satoru stood there on the other side of the room, eyes deep in thought before he sighed. “I’ll meet you at the hotel restaurant tonight. We have a lot to discuss on what our next move should be,” nodding once, Satoru left the room.

The hotel room was eerily silent.

Dinner came around faster than you expected. With Geto out to run some errands for Satoru, something about ‘establishing bases’ or whatever, you were locked in your room, using Naoya’s black card to get enough amount of clothing to last you for your stay here. Even though Satoru had promised he’d take care of everything, you didn’t want to be in his debt for any longer. You weren’t his, you were Naoya’s, and you shot down his curious looks when heaps of shopping bags had been delivered to your door.

An hour later, you left the room, struggling to zipper the back of your dress. Satoru was already in the living room buttoning up his suit jacket, just as handsome as ever (though you’d never tell him that.)

His hands froze in the last button once his eyes landed on you, and you huffed at him, too distressed to even act cute or bothered while pointing to your dress. Satoru strode to you in three long steps, his cold fingers brushing against the dip of your spine when he clutched on the zipper.

You had to bite your lip down to prevent the shivers from spilling through, his lips dangerously close to your ear as he whispered, “You look great.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

If Satoru was bothered by the lack of sincerity in your voice, he didn’t comment on it. He removed his hands from you and watched as you slipped black velvet gloves through your arms – just in case you had to end up killing someone; leaving fingerprints was a risk you couldn’t take.

“Did you really get dressed to kill?”

“I came here to negotiate,” you corrected, “I’ll do everything I can to find out whatever’s behind that offshore account. And you, sir,” Frowning at him, you pulled Satoru closer by the tie, perhaps a little too harshly since he nearly knocked his head with yours. He was quick to steady himself as you fixed his tie, flattening it down with your fingers. “You need to know where you should stick your nose in. This is more my business than yours so don’t get in my way acting all hero and shit. I assure you I can handle myself.”

“You’re really going to berate me for worrying about you?”

“You can no longer worry about me,” you disclosed, snatching your black purse from the counter before doing the come hither motion at his shock-still figure. “Now let’s go. We have a case to crack.”

“Case to crack? You sure sound like a detective.”

You snickered, but made no further comment. The elevators dinged and you arrived at the restaurant, which you really regretted not visiting soon enough because the place was grand. Red carpeted floors, golden chandeliers, soft jazz music playing in the background as the lights dimmed down low, the faint clinking of utensils against plates and light chatter of the guests so heartbreakingly nostalgic.

It seemed that even after his death, Naoya had every intention to never leave your side. The setting reminded you too much of your never-ending late night fancy dinners.

Naoya being Naoya, he didn’t blink twice in flaunting his money and renting out entire restaurants all for himself, claiming that he just ‘wanted to have an intimate moment with his wife.’ Sure, it mostly consisted of you discussing what move you should make next, but it was the most affectionate gesture you’ve received after spending years in the quiet and cold environment of the Zen’in Estate.

The outside world wasn’t any better when you and Naoya were marked as targets by the entire government, so it made sense, that only with him that you’d find comfort in.

You must be so out of it you never even noticed Satoru leading you to your seat, a warm meal that should’ve been comforting right under your nose. It was too much – too similar that you headed straight for the wine, ignoring Satoru’s questioning gaze. You noticed from the corner of his eye that he opened his mouth too many times in an attempt to make light conversation, but this dinner wasn’t for you to rekindle your old flame.

No, you were here to wait for his ‘friend’ and review important matters. You were determined to fulfill that purpose alone and only that alone that you never once made eye contact with him, even standing up to reach the salt shaker near him instead of asking him to pass it.

Just as you leaned back to your seat, the music grew louder. A foreign man walked to the stage where he was basked in the spotlight, all heads turning to him when he tapped the microphone, sending little echoes all over the hall. “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s loosen up tonight with a drink and bring our lovers out here on the dance floor,” he sang while swaying side to side, snapping his fingers to the beat that had turned into calming to sensual. “It is a fine evening, isn’t it? Come on, don’t be shy, the night is still so young!”

You dropped your fork beside the plate. “Did you know about this?”

“I swear, I had no idea.”

“Those two attractive lovers in table 42, the dance floor is still much too spacious!”

“Pretty vulgar for a five star hotel,” you commented under your breath and dabbed the pasta sauce off your lips with a napkin, slapping it down the table as you stood up – much to Satoru’s surprise who’d tried to make himself invisible from the host’s eyes. Stupid him; did he really think he could blend in with his sunglasses and snow white hair?

If you were to be honest, you’d rather choke on shrimp than dance with him, but you had an image to upkeep. If you couldn’t gather with the crowd and pretend to be one with others, both your true natures would be fished out even with innocent eyes. You were left with no choice but to be comfortable in the dance floor, sighing deeply as you placed your hands down on Satoru’s wide shoulders. He furrowed his brows at you but said nothing else; strong, cautious hands sliding down from your back before they settled at the curve of your hips.

“Keep your hands to yourself, Mister. I won’t hesitate to stab a fork through your jugular right here.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I know you’re not my little angel anymore.”

Angel. It was what he used to call you back then – when you were still but an innocent, naïve being who never believed in monsters until you fell for one.

He was right; you were no longer his angel. The woman he loved had been left abandoned in the street, the purity of her soul tainted with anger and heartbreak that soon bathed in blood and the need for revenge. His angel was no more – the woman he danced with was nothing but a replica of the face and body he adored the most. Now, you danced with him, not as his angel and neither as his rival’s wife, but simply as a woman whose kindness had long vanished into thin air.

Satoru danced with the devil.

And he should be disgusted just as you should be repulsed with how sickeningly smooth and graceful he was in everything he did, but the wine – yes, it was the fucking wine – messed with you that you actually enjoyed it. Your bodies moved in rhythm and syncopated with the beat, the romantic high notes of the violin and the tender embrace of deep trebles like a classical painting coming to life and you were its subjects to be expressed.

Perhaps…you were just sad. You grieved and mourned too much you’d momentarily forgot what love was, in turn making you forget what it felt like to be constantly unsafe and peeking over your shoulder in case someone tried to kill you.

Satoru just felt so warm, so safe and alive that you found your head dipping lower, your muscles relaxing around his soothing and undeniably tender touch, the space between your bodies diminishing until you surrendered to the power of your desire. You were so close, your ear about to press on his chest to listen to the blissful sound of someone’s reassuring heartbeat along with the music, and then you saw him.

A tuft of blonde hair, a chiseled face, a nude cream suit and a deep blue shirt beneath – what the fuck was he doing here?

The spell was broken in an instant.

Satoru must’ve been under the same trance for his hand trailed lower to pull you closer, your chests grazing with one another before you placed your palm flat on his body, lips thinned into a grim look that resonated with the sick, twisting feeling in your guts.

“I,” you croaked out, clearing your throat when it went dry. “I need to go to the ladies.”

You left Satoru without another word, bunching your dress up to run to where he had disappeared. He was still walking coolly and inspecting the paintings hung in the empty lobby with faux interest – although knowing him, the bastard probably did enjoy classical pieces and studied about them in his free time; which he didn’t have much to begin with.

As if sensing your presence, he stopped right in front of a replica of The Sleeping Venus, his hands dug deep in his pockets. “The shape of being is the visual demonstration of a state of being in which idealized existence is suspended in immutable slow-breathing harmony. All the sensuality has been distilled off from this sensuous presence, and all incitement; Venus denotes not the act of love but the recollection of it. The perfect embodiment of Giorgione’s dream, she dreams his dream herself,” he narrates in his baritone voice, “A little cordial, is it not?”

You took your gun out from your thigh holster and lowered it right at the back of his skull. “Don’t move another inch.”

“No need to be so hostile in a public setting, Y/N. I’m only here to look out for you and making sure you’re not forgetting who you are. Killing me isn’t part of the plan.”

“Neither was murdering my husband,” you growled, pushing the barrel harder against him, though the man didn’t budge before you. “I know that it wasn’t Toji who set off the bomb, Kento, you did.”

“We simply saw an opportunity that couldn’t be wasted. Two notorious mafia leaders in an unsuspecting supposed safe environment?” The fact he didn’t even deny it left you speechless. Kento spun around until your gun rested between his eyes, and he languidly pushed his glasses up his high nose as he looked down on you. “We could’ve killed two birds with one stone had you not been in the way.”

“You guys are out to kill me too now?”

“Don’t act too surprised. The Organization isn’t patient enough to wait for both leaders to die.”

“So you killed my husband?!” you argued, “He was my friend, I told you not to touch him!”

“Only in the exchange that you hand him to us,” Kento echoed, jogging your memory until you were kept up to date. “But it’s been five years and what has happened so far? You’re fraternizing with the enemy and even manufacturing drugs for your so-called husband. Now that he’s dead, you’re here in Italy, looking as stunning as ever as you wine and dine with a former lover,” Kento tilted his head to the side to study your appearance – smiling at how you seemed too bright and fashionable for a woman in supposed mourning.

“I hardly believe you’re actually affected by this at all.”

“How dare you! I’ve proven to no end my loyalty of the higher-ups!”

Kento didn’t bat an eye at your outburst. If anything, he stepped closer to your weapon. “Kill me if you wish, Y/N, but know the moment you put a bullet in my head, the Organization will place you on the same pedestal as Naoya’s and Gojo’s. I wouldn’t recommend such methods considering we’re already at unease on whose side you’re really on. If you do this, you will be our enemy.”

“I did everything for the Organization. What else would you want from me?”

“The contract was easy. We want both leaders – whether dead or alive – in our custody. If you don’t hold your side of the deal, it’s not only your life that we’ll take from you,” Kento pulled out a red coin that made your heart sink deep into your stomach for it served as a threat over the consequences of your actions.

He lowered your gun with the coin and smirked at you, his lips right beside the shell of your ear as he purred, “I suggest you be careful with what step of action you take next.”

“Oi, Nanami, you’re here!” Satoru’s voice suddenly boomed in the hallway. Nanami was as unbothered as ever from taking a step away from you, nodding to your gun which you quickly concealed right before Satoru arrived. You were frozen – rendered immobile with the flashing red metal from his palm – that you couldn’t even protest against Satoru wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “I see you’ve met Mrs. Zen’in already.”

“Hmm, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Madam,” taking your hand in his, Kento’s eyes were nothing but eerie as he kissed your knuckles. “Shall we start our discussion?”

SUKI RANTS! Nanami quoted Sydney Joseph Friedberg (an art critic) in one of his dialogues. A little backstory on the painting was that the portrait was originally made by Giorgone, who had a student and also his lover (if I’m not mistaken) called Titian. Giorgone never finished the portrait because he died from the plague but Titiane finished it for him, symbolizing that Y/N still has a mission that connected her from Naoya even after his death and she has to finish something he started. The portrait is of a nude woman that symbolized oneness of nature and that the woman isn’t posed for the gaze of men, but rather they are dreaming, hence the quote: “Venus denotes not the act of love but the recollection of it. The perfect embodiment of Giorgione’s dream, she dreams his dream herself.” Nanami said the painting’s meaning resonated with Y/N’s situation too much since she wasn’t in love with Naoya, but she had a recollection of their moments that still represented their relationship, and that Naoya’s dream (goals) are also shared by Reader. I was gonna ask you guys what your theories are on that scene but I think this makes me sound cooler if I explain it so *lip bite emoji because I’m still broken over Naoya’s death*

taglist open (lmk if you want to be added/removed):

@sixeyesgojo @shingekiyofeels @q-the-rockaholic @whatthefuckisthatthing @rogueofbullshit @kat-su-ki @kellyyween @sebootyforlife @asshxcm @charlie-xo @aoi-turtle @ladywaifuuwrites @savantsoulfinder @my-reality-is-in-my-head @hannya-quinn @90s-belladonna @tinyfrogsinmybrain @kinekyuroo @evesmores @ambiguous-something @lilith412426 @kakashiharusohma @aizawap @yumeneji @dora-the-grownup @jotazinha @themrsgojo @d34r-s4t4n @marai-t @toji-bee @hai-cool @badsadbby @stesphy @peach-buns-unicorns @misslezah @gracefullyfallinglikeanime @iwaplant​ @mikiminaccch​ @riri-marley​ | bolded users cannot be tagged

[crumbledcastle28]

Chapter 13: An Understatement

Warnings: blaster fire and descriptions of battle, mentions of injuries, Mando gets pretty hurt and the reader is a wreck (as usual)

Author’s Note: Enjoy Chapter 13!

Mando’s POV

All Mando could think about was you.

Did you protect the child? There’s no way you leaked their info to the Empire and betrayed them, right? Were you dead?

Somehow, the third option scared him the most.

As if this could not get any worse, Moff Gideon opened his mouth yet again.

“I have just received word that you seem to have a very valuable asset on your side,” he said, and Mando knew exactly what he was getting at.

He was referring to you.

Mando’s mind raced a million miles a minute. The Empire were after you, and they had to know you had the child with them. You could hold your own, he knew that, but against an entire regime of soldiers?

Mando knew you would rather die than get the child caught, he would do the same thing, but he wanted you alive. That’s all he wanted.

“It’s ironic, really,” Moff continued. “You put your trust in the Empire to get away from the Empire.”

Moff Gideon could insult Mando all he wanted. He could insult his religion, his creed, his past, but something about him referring to you as “the Empire” when you had worked so hard to get away from it rubbed him in all the wrong ways.

You had helped Mando start to put his violent ways aside, but you weren’t here now, and Mando wanted to kill the Moff where he stood.

“It’s time you face the fact that she will return to where she belongs. My side. I hope her betrayal does not hurt your feelings too bad,” Moff said, and Cara scoffed.

Mando’s last button had been pushed.

“She didn’t betray us, Cara,” he said sternly, and Cara rolled her eyes.

“Oh, so you’re on her side? The Empire’s side?,” she responded, and Mando tried to keep his cool.

It wasn’t really working.

“We are on the same side,” Mando snapped back. “It’s time you realized that.”

You would not betray him. If you were any other person in the galaxy, Mando would start to give up now. But you showed him, in the very brief time you were together, that even people with the worst pasts can still have good hearts.

You made him feel like an idiot. Like a joke. He hadn’t genuinely cared for a person since his parents, but then the kid came along, and then you came along. It’s like the galaxy was showing him perfect prizes, but the game was impossible to win.

But the very worst part of it all, was that Mando was willing to try.

What had you done to him?

Your POV

To say this day did not go as planned was an understatement.

One second you are running for your life, the next you are being scooped up by a metal hand. It happened so fast you barely even had time to register you were lifted off the ground and placed onto a speeder bike.

Once you finally did register what had happened, you immediately thought it was the Empire’s doing, so you turned around and aimed your longspear at the driver.

“Please don’t,” the droid responded. “Me being dead would make this much worse for you.”

The nurse droid, you thought to yourself. From Kuiil’s house!

You were in such a haze of mourning and sadness those couple of days, you barely remembered meeting the droid. You even forgot it rode on the ship to this planet!

You relaxed a bit and lowered your longspear, smiling internally at the thought that a piece of Kuiil was still alive, but you didn’t put your guard down.

You hadn’t put your guard down in days, so it’s not like your overall body language changed that much.

You made sure the child was ok, and once your head finally cleared, you realized Mando was trying to reach you again.

“Kuiil, Y/N, somebody come in.”

The droid picked up the comm device before you could get it, and responded in a very monotoned voice.

“Kuiil has been terminated.”

That ought to make Mando feel better, won’t it, you thought to yourself.

You were going to take the comm device out of the droid’s hand, but you froze when you heard Mando’s tone of voice speaking through the comms again.

“What did you do?” he asked, and you swore you could hear the venom dripping from his mouth.

It always surprised you how scary Mando could really be when he tried.

“I am fulfilling my basic function,” the droid responded.

“Which is?” Mando asked.

“To nourish and protect.”

With that statement, the droid sped up the bike, and you held the child in your lap. He looked up at you with confused eyes, and you could tell he was asking why you weren’t going home.

“We are going to save him little guy,” you said with a stroke to his ear. “We will be home before you know it.”

You smiled lightly to yourself, and before you knew it, the speeder bike was roaring through the town and taking out every trooper in sight.

Blaster fire surrounded you and you tried to focus on what was ahead.

Mando was trapped…. But where?

Finally, you squinted your eyes and saw a regiment of soldiers ahead, and you knew Mando and the rest of the team were trapped inside the building.

“There!” you yelled, pointing to Mando’s cage, and the droid turned you and the child around for protection while he continued to fire.

It was slightly disorienting at first, because you honestly didn’t expect that to happen, but you felt better about the child’s safety.

This droid is no dummy, you thought to yourself. Kuiil did a good job.

Your heart pulled slightly at the thought of Kuiil, still laying out in the desert, but he would get his proper burial.

You just had to make sure Mando didn’t get one of those first.

The droid finally slowed down, and you took the opportunity to jump off the speeder bike and dive behind a pillar.

You got the child situated in your arms well enough so he could be protected, and started making your way out of your hiding spot.

You knew you couldn’t fight with the child in your arms, that’s just stupid, but you did reflect blaster shots from the troopers and took as many out as you could.

You had to start making your way to Mando somehow, but out of the corner of your eye, it seemed Mando was coming to you.

Mando charged out into the open with Karga on his tail, and he fired at will. He kicked and punched the troopers who were close enough to him, and you couldn’t help the smile that graced over your face at the sight of him.

You couldn’t see it, but Mando was smiling too.

You stuck close to the buildings surrounding you, slowly making your way around to where Karga was, but the chaos was insane. You could barely see where the shots were coming from, let alone where you were sending them.

You looked around to find some other way, but what you did see was way better.

Mando was running to a huge cannon, and you watched him rip it off the tripod and start firing it at the stormtroopers.

Your hopes were on the rise.

You saw a dark black death trooper place a detonator on the wall of Mando’s former cage, and you panicked when you realized Cara was still in there.

You started to make your way over there when the explosion hit, but you were far enough away so that you didn’t feel any wave from it.

You continued to make your way over to her.

Your senses were going so crazy, that you didn’t even feel Moff Gideon enter the scene.

What you did feel, however, was the pain Mando felt when the Moff fired a shot directly into his helmet.

It hurt like hell, and you heard Mando cry out in pain.

You turned back to where Mando was, and you saw him take aim at Moff with his canon.

This is it, you thought. Moff Gideon is dead.

You wish you hadn’t been trained in the force so well, because the very next thing you felt was the pride in Moff’s chest when he realized how to take Mando out.

Your eyes widened and panic struck you like lighting.

Moff is gonna kill him.

“Mando,” you screamed, but it was too late.

Moff Gideon had already fired at the generator next to Mando, and you had no choice but to dive for cover. You shielded the child with your body, and you were lucky enough to not feel the effects of the explosion.

But Mando felt it all.

When the dust cleared, you saw Cara dragging, his body back inside while Karga and IG-11 followed her in.

You didn’t care about anything in that moment. And if you would have known merely weeks ago that you would run across a battle field with no armour and a child in your arms, you would have smacked yourself silly.

But you did it anyways.

You made it to the door right before it closed, and you stopped in your tracks when you almost ran right into Cara’s gun.

It was pointed right at you.

“Get out,” she said, and you raised the hand not holding the child in surrender.

“Cara please,” you plead. You could see Mando laying on the floor behind her, and your heart was breaking.

He was badly injured. You could feel it.

“You can kick me out as soon as you’d like. I promise. Just let me see him,” you ask.

The tears were starting to cloud your vision and you tried not to let your voice crack. You didn’t want Cara to think you were trying to manipulate her.

But your Mandalorian was dying behind her.

“I promise,” you say, and she finally lowers your blaster.

“Thank you,” you respond, letting a breath out of your mouth as you do it, and you run to kneel beside Mando.

Of all the pain you’ve experienced in your life, you had learned a lot about it. You had learned that you personally deal better with pain when you have something to squeeze in your hand, like a pillow or the arm of a chair. You’ve learned that there are people in the world who enjoy making others feel pain, and no matter how many times you try, you just can’t understand why. You’ve learned that bacta shots work wonders for physical pain, but mental pain is almost impossible to numb.

But worse of all, you’ve learned that watching people you care for in pain is the worst pain in the world.

And this one hurt.

Tag list:

@leahkenobi @pinkninja200 @farfromjustordinary @440mxs-wife @bookloverfilmoholic

[jessiebanethedragon]

I Just Have to Get This Off My Chest

Din x Reader (SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 15) 

is the title the title of the fic or is it the explanation as to way i wrote this instead of the three essay’s i have due soon. Who knows? certainly not me. 

You had not felt well for some time. Every moment that was not distracted by something else allowed you to feel the pooling sickness in your stomach. Grogu was gone. 

You had cried only in private, hidden away in the forest of Tython, covering your tears with your hands and sobbing into the ground. Din had never felt so powerless, when you finally re-emerged from the wooded area, he said nothing of the invasion of privacy he’d committed via the sensors on his helmet. Instead he walked up the ramp of Slave I with you to leave the cursed planet. Maybe, you were thankful for Mayfeld’s incessant chatter. It gave you something to focus on other than the missing warmth in your heart that was occupied by the little green creature. 

“You still with us?” he asked, turning around and waving a hand over your face. It snaps you back to the moment, but the guilty feeling does not fade completely.  

“Yeah,” You breathe. And finally relent, pulling off the helmet for fresh air. Din turns his head ever so slightly to catch the way your hair becomes messy. “Focus.” he reprimands Mayfeld, you almost feel bad for the guy, you're both so on edge he’s driving with ticking time bombs, and that’s without the Rhydonium.

“Where.” Din demands, roughly pressing his hands into the gaps between the baggy fitting armor. One of the pirates landed a solid blow to your side and the mandalorian wont let it go. 

“Mando i’m fine.” You tell him, huffing when his hands get rougher trying to feel underneath the crappy empire issues durasteel. 

“Where did you get hit.” He demands again, hands landing on your shoulders and shaking you slightly. Mayfeld is right, Din is desperate. 

“Din…” You whisper side glancing to make sure prying ears are out of reach. “I’m okay, I promise.” You wonder for a second if you should put your forehead against his, something he’d done after the fight with Moff Gideon, after you thought you’d never see him again. You remember seeing him limp down with IG-11, barely alive in the darkness. You remember running to him without thinking twice, the stupid, stupid, mandalorian who would rather die than break his creed. The stupid mandalorian you know now you cannot live without. 

“Hey, you two might want to stop acting like a couple of DUM - Pit Droids because we’ve got a problem.” Mayfeld says jogging over to you both. 

“What.” Din snaps the unfamiliar hemet turning to the man at hand. You hate how it looks on him, it is strange, unfamiliar, so un-him that you’re longing for him to get the Beskar back on. 

“I can’t go in there.” He says gesturing behind him. “That’s Valin Hess, I served under him, I'll be recognized.”  You lean over to look at the officer, and then behind you into the open area. 

“The officers' quarters are close enough.” You think aloud. “Stay here, I'll drop a detonator. Distract them.” 

“No way you can make the trip without being caught.” Mayfeld argues. 

“Hey, I used to do this professionally. Let me handle it.” You tell him with a small smile, this is herding Bantha’s compared to your old job. 

“Kriffing spy’s” Mayfeld murmurs. 

“As far as the empire is concerned I’m still an official agent.” You correct him, and you turn to leave but a gloved hand wraps around your wrist, his iron grapes holding you back. You look at the unfamiliar mask, and slowly, Din loosens his hold and watches you go.

The hallways are always the same, no matter how many planets, or ships you were stationed on, the empire always looked the same, your boots always made the same sounds, and an uncaught rebel-spy always knew where she was going. Order, Mayfelds voice echoes in your mind, yes there is order here. But Grogu isn’t. And that’s what matters to you right now, nothing else but the poor child that you’d had the fortune stumbling upon on a Navaro recon mission. You praise your own inability to let go of the past, for without it you never would’ve been investigating the imperial outpost, never would have met a cold mandalorian and never learnt that he, in fact, burned brighter than any kyber crystal in the galaxy. 

The detonator rolls smoothly from your hand as you turn away from the barracks. Jogging back to the control center a soft smile on your face as the hiss and pop sends the familiar signals blaring. When the coast is clear you don’t stop running until you slide into the mess hall, and stop dead in your tracks. 

Din is gone. 

Mayfeld is standing over at least half a dozen bodies, save for one man who’s back is to you.  Your blood freezes when you make the realization as the helmetless man turns towards you. He has brown hair, and you can see where the helmet has ruffled his curls. The slight scruff highlights his face, and draws you in towards his eyes. His wonderful brown eyes. 

It’s the mandalorian. It’s your Mandalorian. 

You know you should close your eyes, but they can’t move from his, so many nights on the razor crest were spent wondering about the colour of his eyes.

“You ever seen his face?” The memory of Mayfeld in a different place at a different time floods you. The way he teased about how close you and the mandalorian couldn’t be, because you didn’t know what he looked like. Pressing you against the bars of the prison they’d trapped him in, laughing when you couldn’t even give them a name. Taunting your own life in front of you at the end of a blaster. “She doesn’t know!” Xi’an sneered as you fought against Qin pinning you into the bars, using you as a tool in his revenge.  It is as if you are meeting him for the first time again, the man in shiny beskar who had whispered his name to you after the incident involving Mayfeld himself. The mandalorian who ran his fingers over the marks the bars had indented into your skin. “Din. my name is Din.”

“I’ll go look… actually i’ll secure the roof.” Mayfeld stumbles through his words watching as you tear up at seeing, really seeing him for the first time. You choke on your word when he crosses the room stopping when he hears the small noise. Noticing how you finally seem to come back into yourself and squeeze your eyes shut. 

“Cyare.” He says, sounding so different without the helmet on. 

“Put it back on.” You rush out. “I didn’t see, we’ll kill Mayfeld, keep your creed.” you know it’s a lie, but you say the words in a jumble anyways. 

“We were running out of time, this was my choice. Open your eyes, it’ll be okay.” Din reassures you. So you take a deep breath and listen to him. 

“You’re so handsome.” You say without thinking, because he’s stunning up close, where you can see every detail in full. Standing mouth slightly agape as you memorize your mandalorian’s face. Your hand goes to touch him but you stop yourself, Din notices of course, and guides your hand to his face. You were right. He does burn brighter than any kyber crystal in the galaxy. Heated honey to your touch. 

“I’m in love with you.” You’re learning many things about the man under the mask today, maybe it’s time he learns something about you. So you thread your hands into his hair and pour your love into a kiss. Din gasps, shocked, and part of you wonders if this is his first. But he reciprocates by moving his arms around your middle to bring you as close as possible to him.

When you part because of shots outside, he puts the helmet back on. And you immediately wish you had had a chance to kiss him again before he did.

[sanstropfremir]

Hey love, hope you're having a nice day

My mom strongly believes Taemin has a thing for using some sort of element to cover his head in most of his MVs. Obviously we're both too dumb to catch the symbolism (if any) so I thought why not ask someone who knows?

So what do you think? Is there any deep reason behind the head bags or is it just an aesthetic thing?

anon!!!! mwah!!! i'm having a better day because you sent this in!!!!

your mom is right, taemin absolutely has a thing for covering his head, specifically his face! you can see masks and/or veils (under the cut):

in the hit the stage performance of sayonara hitori

in the offsick concert teaser

in the nippon budokan performance of i’m crying

in the move mv here (there are several shots from this scene), and here

in the want mv here

there’s a quick shot of him pulling off a veil in criminal

and of course, advice. and again.

also some other images:

1. from the ngda act 1 promo photos

2. from the 2kids promo photos

3. from the move album scans

4. the cover of ngda act 2 messiah version

5. an actual bag over his head in the criminal mv

6. from the most recent short vcr in the ngda beyond live

7. from the sayonara hitori album scans

this is not an exhaustive list because i know i’ve missed some; i'm 80% sure there was a mask with the red outfit in the ngda act 1 scans but this is enough examples i think to show that it’s definitely deliberate. and i'm not even bringing up all the times he physically covers his face with a body part or it’s obscured through an effect, because then we gotta talk about the famous choreography, the idea choreography, the just me and you vcr, and countless promo photos and album scans from essentially every era in his entire solo career.

the backbone of the kpop industry in its current state is the idols' faces. human nature has proven time and time again that the easiest way to catch an audience is through a pretty face (by whatever the standards are at the time), and in an industry built on militant commercialism, of course the emphasis is going to be on those faces. you can see it in every bit of content. turning physical albums into mass collectibles, with multiple versions, giant photobooks, photocards. an idol’s face IS their uniform. when an idol doesn’t want to be seen, what's the first thing they do? cover their face. (and people still take pictures of them anyways). i’ve seen countless times on vlives and ig lives where an idol is wearing a mask and there will be a stream of “show us your face <3”’s until they do. their face is their brand. every decision a stylist, a publicist, a company makes is to optimize exactly how beautiful they can make their idols look, because that’s by and large what the fans want. obviously it's a product of the larger trend in unattainable beauty standards fueled by social media, but i'm not going to talk much about that, because it's a lot. if you’ve followed me for long enough (probably just for more than a few days tbh, since i talk about it constantly), you’ll have noticed that i'm a huge proponent of ‘ugly’ hair trends, and i'm a huge proponent of ugly styling in general. when idols have to be fashion models as well as inhuman performing machines, you’re setting them up to everything that plagues that industry as well, which means massive complexes about their faces and bodies, in the most mild of terms.

‘ugliness’ has freedom in it. part of the reason why i’ve gone extra insane for advice as a whole is because it IS ugly. taemin’s extensions ARE awful. his hands are blackened and dirty the whole mv, and so are portions of his body. he’s visibly flaunting his real tattoos*, which are still deeply stigmatized in the east. we see him get in a car crash. in arguably the most flattering/conventionally attractive outfit, he’s got heavy mascara tear tracks. the song isn’t particularly melodic, the choreography is childish and jerky, the lyrics directly call out the people that treat him like an object. and of course, the mask. all of these are cracks in the facade, confronting us, on purpose, with the crumbling of his perpetually pretty, perfect persona. he's hurt, he's angry, he's got his hands deep in the grime of living in the public eye that the public refuses to see, and now he's going to smear it all over himself until you DO see it. at the end of the mv his triumph is not that he washes himself clean, but that he paints overtop. gesso on an old canvas; a fresh start, but fundamentally informed by the things underneath.

taemin uses masks as a way to deface himself. both in the literal sense of removing his face from the equation but also in the synonomic sense of the destruction, the obliteration, the vandalization of himself. of his brand. known as sm’s pretty boy since he was 14, who is he if he doesn’t have his face?

as a general device the masks are an entreaty to address him on his own artistic merit. but they do often have specific meanings within their contexts. in the i’m crying performance it is to remove himself as an entity all together; he is anonymous now, an unseen narrator to the performers on stage.** in move and want it’s for emphasis on his body; proof that he can still ensnare you with his limbs alone. pulling off the veil/reversing it back on in criminal as a revealing/concealing of the two sides of himself on display in the mv. the literal suffocation of one of those sides with a plastic bag. the voice in idea says ‘you are my messiah,’ but the cover of the album denies confirmation of that identity.

there’s more to be dug into here, especially with the ngda act 2 photos but i’d have to go back through my catholic iconography notes again and this would be a lot longer than it already is. i’m also looking at this from a western perspective, there are undoubtedly double meanings specific to a korean context that i haven’t clocked. but that’s the reason i love his work so much! it stands up to a lot of rigorous analysis and there’s always going to be something that i don’t catch right away, something more to learn.

---

* we learned like yesterday that his hip tattoo is a peony, which he named as symbolizing freedom. peonies tend to have primarily positive meanings across east asian cultures, but in victorian floriography, they mean shame and sometimes anger.

** this style of performance is very common in cirque du soleil shows, especially the older ones from the early 2000s. it's pretty common to have a ballad or operatic singer featured as a ‘narrator’ to a specific story section of routine. i’m sure this is probably frequent in other places as well, but i’m naming cirque specifically because that’s where i’ve seen it the most, and also because there is an actual circus performer on stage during this. plus there’s a guy in a pierrot costume, who is probably the most famous clown***. (although the costume is technically wrong because pierrot is supposed to be unmasked. (ironic plays loudly in the distance))

*** clown of the technical variety and not clown of the honk honk birthday variety.

[druid-for-hire]

new hadestown au: BIKER ! EURYDICE, in which she’s a rogue lone-wolf biker dwelling in the urban jungle of a Neo Tokyo-type city called Hadestown, wracked with biker gangs, violence, poverty, corruption, and civil unrest, still recovering and rebuilding from an apocalyptic event many years ago. Heavy-handed with the AKIRA inspirations here, haha.

She fights for herself on the dangerous streets, an illegal racer with a consistent top-three placement and a reputation for ferocity that earns her the money she needs to scrape by. And then she meets Orpheus: a dopey bartender who has no place being in her business.

okay okay okay i’m gonna be jumping around a lot here. be warned. thanks @supercantaloupe, @regzillas, @birdmanlyss for your contributions! (sorry if i missed someone it’s been a while)

she's a lone wolf in a city infested with biker gangs and it's brutal

she's run over plenty of limbs in her day

then there's orpheus, this gentle, kind-hearted soul, an indie musician and shes like. fuck. now i gotta keep this bastard safe

puts a long pipe with a mess of bolts and metal on the end in his hands and tells him he'd better buckle up and learn to fight the road

this sort of thing is common among biker gangs to cause destruction and knock people off their bikes onto the road. other types include mallets, hammers, baseball bats, etc

shes small but knows a lot of self defense and is very good at handling herself on the road

besides teaching orpheus to steel himself and yes use that pipe on people, push them off and jam it in their wheels and let it break if it does, she's gotta teach him to hold on while she pulls all this crazy shit on her bike

she avoids taking him on the road because having to fight people gives him so much stress but he also stresses about her so it's all weird

the first time orpheus sees her run over someones arm hes like ""???????????????????!!!!!!!!"

"Don't worry it doesn't happen often" "WHAT IS 'OFTEN'"

she has a red songbird on her helmet and flowers on her jacket

and flowers painted on her bike too probably

or patterns like on the album cover

orpheus thinks it’s the prettiest shit he’s ever seen

so eurydice races, right? everyones like “who is this tiny little upstart” and then she takes off her helmet and shakes out her hair and everyone loses it

somethingsomething ig hades (who is something of a crime boss here, similar to Tombstone from the Spectacular Spider-Man cartoon, but not so unambiguously villainous in nature) becomes a contractor and he catches her in like, a bad contract that's hard to get out of without some kind of consequence

and now orpheus has to topple a capitalist again

anyway she like, meets orpheus in this little bar he works at

it's about lower middle class, so it's not too bad but it's still mostly populated by like, poorer people and bikers, etc.

they meet and it's cool and fun blah blah Come Home With Me shit

also this is a scene:

biker!eury: we gotta cross through downtown orpheus: what???? but there's a riot going on there! right now! eury: that's too bad, it's the fastest way! that's why you get this! (tosses him her pipe weapon) orpheus, barely catching it: sajskhsfdfs ???? eury: and i am gonna take this. (kicks open a trunk and takes out a rifle) orpheus: ???????!!!!???!?? WHERE DID YOU GET THAT AND DO WE REALLY NEED IT eury: Yes we do now come on orpheus: H-HOW did you get it eury: (loads gun) no worries orpheus: No i have many worries HOW DID YOU--

actually, on this emergency ride, orpheus proves surprisingly competent with her pole weapon—ruthless even, and eurydice wonders just where and how the hell he learned that

the conversation she has with him about that is the same one where he shows her his old, old scars

(besides ruthless—orph has apparently learned how to pose and intimidate. he does stuff like putting the tip of the pole-pipe to the asphalt as they’re riding, skipping on the road and creating sparks)

eurydice loves her bike more than certain relatives 

certain complications lead to it being destroyed by hades as punishment for doing him wrong. and it destroys her. that is her most trusted sacred bike, that thing has been with her since she was a teenager

once she repurposes that devastation into white-hot anger orph has to physically restrain her from hunting hades down and breaking his kneecaps with a thick lead pipe

he's never seen her this absolutely devastated and furious

he goes to persephone for more work because he wants to buy eurydice a new bike

he keeps it a secret from her until he leads her out to a garage, hands over her eyes

(some of these bits are copypasted from my friend @regzillas​)

orpheus takes his hands off and says Tada!!! it's just like the old one, there's no painted birds but she can do that. She just stands there in total silence mouth open, and orpheus goes 'so? do you like it?' before she bursts into tears. and at first orpheus is like :O!!!!! oh no!!! do you not like it? and eurydice through sobs just says 'nobody's ever done something like this for me’

it's... beautiful, it's touching, it's deep and it's love and she's so in love and she loves him so much, and she cries and holds him close and takes him in and she's so overwhelmed by her emotions, full of the care that orpheus so freely gives to her; and it's a breath of newness, fresh air in the cycle of dread and bitter anger that haunts the city (but she's still going to find hades and shoot him in the foot)

he just holds her and kisses her head

they spend the day painting it, the day after he buys the bike

hand-painted. and they both leave their handprints in paint on it, like carl and ellie do on their mailbox in the beginning of Up

a significant amount of time is spent thinking of a good name

theres lots of joking and eurydice playfully shoves orpheus and he falls over into paint

okay i wrote something like. Obnoxiously long for orpheus. i sort of have his backstory in this down, but i don’t have anything for eurydice unfortunately :( suggestions are welcome! but first: Hermes

biker!au hermes owns a chain of bars, several of which find their patronage among the ruffian youth, several of which are more refined and serve the middle class, and another several of which serve the upper crust hermes has a hand in every world and it serves him pretty well, and his chain is a bit of a channel of communication and its unspoken rule that whatever socioeconomic class or gang or organization you're a part of, hermes' chain is neutral territory no fighting allowed

eurydice walks in and hermes just gives her a Look and taps the 'no fighting' sign and she huffs

hes >:( if anyone does try to start shit. the honor system is strong enough that usually the other patrons will just throw them out, and if there are really problems, they'll hear from hermes personally

he maintains a very strict "no bitching in my fucking kitchen" atmosphere

and now, Orpheus

this really is kind of akira but without the government conspiracies; the city is a neon corrupt hellscape that’s still struggling to rebuild after an apocalyptic event that wiped it all through. the city is wracked with frustration and violence and anger, there are still urban ruins everywhere and the scars of rebuilding and struggle are plain in every corner of life; plain to see are the shells of ruined buildings, gigantic boats levelled from the sea and left in the middle of inland sectors.

orpheus was abandoned by his mother at an early age—kind and timid, he had to learn fast how to be suspicious and cautious in cruel ways. he couldn’t land himself a spot in any of the groups that other ragtag raging folks had eked out for themselves, still too hesitant or ungraceful or young for any of them. sure, he made friends, sitting and talking with lots of people, but never got to really team up—all he could do was just fight for himself in the blown out corners of the city. weapons made from whatever he had. a young child already spitting blood and teeth in hadestown’s vicious ground-floor landscape.

hermes is his mother’s close old friend, though the times they see each other are few and far between. when he saw him, hermes hardly recognized her son, wild-eyed and clawed and alone in one of the city’s more dangerous neighborhoods, with a pole full of screws slung over his back. how did she lose track of her kid for so long? he thinks. and takes him in.

hermes eventually realizes that his mother didn’t lose him. meanwhile, tiny orpheus, kind-hearted orpheus, despises hermes at first. he’s full of suspicion and desperately wants to lean into hermes’ kindness, but the streets have taught him to hold back. he spits curses at him, though the words slide right off hermes’ shoulders. it’s not genuine.  just frustrated. and picked off of the delinquents that were his friends, just like most everything else about him.

(hermes knows he’s gotten his trust when orpheus starts getting soft, when he’s crying over littler things; it means he’s been deemed safe to be vulnerable around, and he damn near starts crying himself.)

orpheus owns a little vespa! it’s covered in stickers, some of them worn out and old, some places with just the adhesive and the fuzzy white paper from where he tried to pull them off. some of them aren’t even proper stickers and just shit he peeled off from places while he was wandering around and stuck onto the vespa

even in canon i see him as the kind of guy who like. you look at him and think jesus how is this guy still alive he’s so noodly and soft, but he’s unexpectedly sort of street smart

anyway i mentioned this before but didn’t elaborate. biker au orph, to eury's surprise, does have his collection of scars, since he had a bit of a rough go at life

also he’s just ungainly and runs into shit

you can see em on his sketch page. he has a bit more than what’s shown, but what’s visible is a little slash across the bridge of his nose onto his cheek, and two on his left forearm. he probably has a stab scar in his side from just getting fucking knifed. the ones on his left forearm are from when a drunk coming out of a bar charged him with a fork

eurydice also has scars. kind of hard not to with the kind of life she lives

ok thats it. For Now. i don’t know how persephone or the fates or the workers factor in, if at all. I barely know how Hades factors in, mostly what i’ve said so far and that he does what he does to support himself and persephone. ah well! just have this

as this is extremely based off of AKIRA, i verily recommend listening to the movie’s soundtrack. besides the fact that it slaps hard as hell, the opening song, Kaneda’s Theme, has the perfect vibes for the city and the tone of eurydice and orpheus riding at night through it

[kenmasgameboy]

ruin me.

chapter 8: who?

previous…next

masterlist

kuroo tetsurou came into y/n’s life when she needed him to fuck it up the most.

Kuroo tapped the notebook you where you were rewriting your notes for better organization. You looked over, eyes wide with the sudden eye contact he made. Fuck, he’s so hot. You thought this to yourself and had to look away.

“When do you have to close up?” Kuroo asked, his voice smooth in your ear as you become painfully aware of his gaze.

“Half an hour.” You mumbled, checking your watch. Thanks to the silence around you he still heard you.

“Perfect, uh.” Kuroo nervously fiddled with his pencil, trying to prepare himself to be rejected, “Could I walk you home when you’re done?”

“What?” You practically choke it out, your skin feeling hot and sweaty under your current predicament.

“It’s just getting late, I think Inuoka had to have gone home by now if you were planning on going with him. But I’d love to walk you. I really don’t mind.” Kuroo insisted. You gripped the page of your book, crinkling the corner of it between your thumb and index finger.

“Kuroo-san?” You finally gain the courage to say something above a mumble.

“You don’t have to be so formal—” Kuroo started but you needed to let it out before you swallowed it back down forever.

“Why are you messing with me? I know I tweeted that thing but I didn’t think you’d ever see that. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” You said it in practically one long breath, trying to get it all out of your chest like blowing it into a balloon.

“What tweet? Oh the one where you said I was some good fucking food, something about being a delicious specimen, right?” He flashed a handsome teasing grin your way. Your whole body felt like cringing, curling in on itself until you turned into seafoam but restricted it to just your hands curling and your face wincing. Why did you ever forget the internet is forever?

“I’m just teasing you. Of course, I’m flattered. But I was interested in knowing who you were before I even saw that.” He insisted, his genuine smoothness spilling across the table.

“Oh.” You said, quickly turning your face into your opposite shoulder as to hide the panic and flustered expression you surely are wearing. Kuroo wanted to see that face so bad. A light breath was exhaled from his nose as he held back his laugh, you were amusing though he would give you that.

“Why don’t I walk you home?” He repeated himself. You remembered Inuoka’s long gone and the dark of the night had already settled in. You couldn’t walk home alone, but walking home with a guy you didn’t know very well also didn’t sound like a fun risk.

“Y/N-chan?” Your class representative suddenly had approached the desk, Nakamura Satoshi. You hadn’t spoken to him much, only when he needed you to do a certain task. He was #1 in your year, and was extremely popular with the staff and faculty. He wasn’t exactly Kuroo’s status with popularity, but he was up there. There was no doubt people knew who they were. And they knew who each other were.

You were so thankful that nobody else was in this library. As this would be quite the sight for anyone to see. Two of some of the most popular boys at this school hanging around the loner librarian assistant. What was next? Was an idol going to come try to talk to you as well? You set a reminder in your head to punch Inuoka for leaving you alone tonight.

“Ah, Satoshi-kun, I’m sorry I forgot you were here. Can I help you find something? I was about to close up.” You smiled lightly at him. Your interaction with this guy made Kuroo want to put his fist directly into Nakamura’s face. Did he not see he was working on something over here? He just had to come ruin it, huh? Why were you so familiar with each other? Kenma said you didn’t talk to anyone. Kuroo’s patience was coming to a stifling end.

“Ah not exactly, I’m sorry to keep you past your shift. Is the librarian coming to relieve you?” Satoshi asked you,

“No, I’m locking up tonight. She texted me a little while ago to let me know she couldn’t come back to do it.” You said. Kuroo was getting antsy, starting to pack up his things as he tried to urge this kid to stop talking. He was getting the need to be petty, jealous of how comfortable you were with him.

“Oh, I see.” He said, returning his voice to a normal level since nobody else was here, “I was wondering if you could help me understand this assignment from English? You got second highest in that subject last term, right?”

“Well, yeah. Second to you?” You turned your head to the side in confusion, but Kuroo didn’t miss a beat in understanding this guys game plan.

“I could help you.” Kuroo smiled nonchalant, playing coy as if he didn’t know a thing.

“Oh, Kuroo-san! My apologies, I didn’t see you there.” Satoshi bowed and smiled politely. Immediately it was like a surge of lightening went through both of their eyes, their competitive natures being at opposing sides with each other.

“No worries, I scored #1 in english the last 3 years, I don’t mind helping you.” Kuroo said, trying to draw his attention away from you.

“That’d be great, but I’d feel like I was cheating if i got help from someone as advanced as you. Besides, Y/N-chan always takes the best notes from what we covered in class today. I swear! They’re always better than mine.” Satoshi was being light-hearted but not even you could deny the air had gotten thicker.

“It’s okay, um. Is it this one? I’ll admit it was kind of difficult. Learning when to use past, present, and future tense verbs can get rather difficult especially if it changes mid-sentence.” You said this while looking down at the identical sheets, trying to ignore that half of the answer bubbles looked like they used to have writing in them but had been erased. But Kuroo certainly couldn’t ignore that.

“I know, I’ve been kinda struggling with it. Kuroo-san, this could take a little while. You shouldn’t have to wait for Y/N-chan. I can walk her home.” Satoshi tried to wave him off. Kuroo stood up, using his height to his advantage over Satoshi who was probably only 4 inches shorter than Kuroo, but still enough to make his point.

“I don’t mind waiting, I already got my studies done for the day. No need to rush.” Kuroo insisted, “Besides, L/N already told me she wanted me to walk her home.”

“I don’t remember her saying that.” Satoshi pointed out, causing Kuroo’s eyes to widen. So, he had been listening to them. “Y/N-chan, do you mind staying with me, I’d love your input about a few other things for our class? I’ll walk you home and buy you something from the vending machine.”

You wanted to explode. Right then and there felt like the perfect time to just implode actually, so why couldn’t you spontaneously combust.

“Uh..” You nervously fiddled with the end of your uniform sweater, you looked up to Kuroo for some kind of answer. You don’t know why you had done that, you just felt like he would help you in this. Inuoka normally would be that person for you, but now out of the two in front of you, you go to Kuroo. But he just stared down Satoshi instead, when you made eye contact with him you backed down again. You panicked under his gaze. He registered that look you were giving him a second too late, “Kuroo-san, I would feel bad making you wait for me. It’s okay to go on without me.”

Kuroo wished he could back track, he wished he had the right authority to just pick you up and take you with him. He wished he could’ve gone back to when you looked at him with those panicked eyes looking for an answer and answered for you again so that you would feel like you had an ally. Satoshi didn’t skip a single beat, he took the seat Kuroo had been sitting in for the last few hours to make sure he could be even closer to you than he had been to immediately start asking you questions to ignore Kuroo.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, L/N.” Kuroo couldn’t help but hang his head with his defeat. As soon as Kuroo left through the front doors, the rubber band you felt between the two of you that had been getting pulled tighter and tighter was cut by the doors of the library. It snapped back and hit the air out of your chest. You felt weaker without him, like you couldn’t focus on what Satoshi was asking you even though you were more familiar with him he never gave you the same feeling of blissful silence in the way Kuroo gave you today.

You didn’t know that Kuroo was going to give you up that easy. You didn’t know that he wasn’t. That he was waiting down the hall waiting for you to leave with that guy with you so he could prove his own suspicions. He was never going to give up that easily.

***

TAGLIST:

@firebonbon​ @ushiwakasthighs​ @koukamisblog​ @dragonxbabe​ @ari-hatake15​ @nohxmanity​ @chaelysian​ @whatevenisapaige​ @fern-writes-ig​ @haikyuufairy​ @ushiwakaismybae​ @kalesveggietales​ @tetsuswhore @starry-magicshop​ @iwanttogotopluto​ @cuddlesslut​ @bby-bokuto​ @nagichi-kenma​ @roseestuosity​ @prcttylittlcthing​ @its-bnha-babe​ @horsegirlbabey​ @90s-belladonna​ @insomniish​ @aquzaifus @johnnysactualgf​ @axolotleyeliner​ @boosyboo9206​ @berriesii​ @animewithmemes​ @gemswrites​ @incapableofacleverusername @jvhoone @i8bbflesh @sempiternal-amour​ @anejuuuuoy​ @rd-crew​

send a comment or an ask to be added to the taglist! if your name is crossed out it’s because i couldn’t find it! let me know if you’ve changed your username!

a/n wOW WHAT A MASSIVE CHAPTER! let me know what you guys think <3 a bit more drama-filled than normal hehe

[probably-writing-x]

Abrupt exposures

Arón Piper x Reader

Request by anon: one where the reader is also apart of the Elite cast and the fans suspect that she’s dating aron and it’s confirmed over an IG story accidentally because one of the cast members records them by mistake

Gif is not my own

Requests are open🤍

“We’re just really good friends, nothing more,” You assure the interviewer in front of you, “We’ve been friends since the start of the show and we’ve just had the opportunity to bond ever since then. Arón’s my best friend.”

“Alright, thank you so much for your time (Y/n),” They smile as they dismiss you from the interview and you move onto the next.

Tonight was the season 3 premiere for Élite and you’d never been more excited to celebrate the release. This was your favourite season so far and the show had started to mean a whole lot more to you recently.

“Now I’m joined with (Y/n), tell me your thoughts on your character’s development this season,” The lady interviewer asks you over the loud noise of the waiting fans.

“I think this is where you’ll really see them go through the most progression. I think they’re learning a lot about themselves and learning to be a better person. They don’t always go about that in the right way but I think they’re really trying to navigate everything and trying to understand that they do sometimes need other people in order to do that. I was so excited to bring these storylines to life this season and I’m equally as excited for all of our wonderful fans to see it,” You smile proudly, glancing around at the cast that we’re completing interviews beside you.

“And what about your personal life? Did you draw any inspiration from that?”

“Yeah, certainly,” You nod, “I think mainly in how to use the people around you in such a mutualistic way where you can be there to support them as much as they support you. And becoming aware of those truly good people in your life that will really make a difference,” You’re thinking of one person in particular as you speak and it’s impossible to not smile a little at the thought.

“Now, final question and it was the question all of our fans wanted to know the answer to. Are we seeing an off screen romance between you and your costar Arón?”

You laugh lightly, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Arón is my best friend. He’s my support system and a wonderful guy. But there’s nothing happening between us.”

“Okay folks, thank you for that (Y/n), that was excellent,” The interviewer bids you farewell as you move to greet a few more fans.

As you do, you see Arón just nearing the edge of the line as he makes his way towards the doors of the theatre. You go about signing as much as you can and taking photos with everyone before sending them your love and making your own way towards the doors.

“All done?” Arón is waiting just inside the lobby as you walk in through the outside doors.

Your lips curl into a smile as you see him, “Yep.”

He pushes himself up from the wall and locks a hand with yours, “You look gorgeous tonight.”

“So do you,” You beam, leaning in to kiss his cheek as the two of you head through to the backstage of the theatre.

You’d been dating for almost a year now and had managed to always shut down any rumours that questioned otherwise. Any time you posted a story of the two of you or a photo on your Instagram, rumours spread like wildfire that there was something going on. You always managed to dismiss it or make a jokey post that made things seem like you were just friends and things calmed down. Only to be resurfaced again at the next opportunity.

You joined the rest of the cast backstage so you could all prepare to go on stage before the premiere of episode one where you’d chat a little bit about the upcoming series and thank everyone for being there. Arón leant back against the dressing table and reached out his arms as you walked to stand between his legs and wrap your arms around him.

“How many times did you get asked?” He mumbles, burying his head into your shoulder as he peppers you with kisses.

“almost every interview,” You laugh, “I nearly gave up.”

“Me too,” He comments, “Somebody asked me about being proud of the cast and I didn’t stop talking about you,” He admits it so bashfully, his introverted personality shining through.

“You’re so cute,” You beam, holding his chin to turn him towards you as you kiss him softly.

He hums against your lips and deepens the gesture.

“Fuck! Do you want everyone to find out you’re dating?” Miguel laughs as him and Mina walk into the room.

“Shut up Miguel,” Arón rolls his eyes as you turn around to face them and he keeps his arms around you.

“Seriously, with the way you were looking at each other out there? You weren’t being very secretive,” Miguel jokes, coming over to clasp both of you on the shoulder, “But your secrets always safe with me.”

“We should probably get going right? I think everyone’s seated by now,” You point out, checking the time on your phone.

The screen flashes alive with a photo of Arón you’d taken only a few weeks ago. He was sat on the balcony of your apartment with his ankles crossed and his legs resting on the stone railing around the balcony. He’d been laughing at something you said and you snapped the candid photo before he could blush and cover his expression with a mocking middle finger. He looked stunning.

“Yeah, can’t be late! They’ll be asking a thousand questions more if we’re late,” Omar jokes and jabs Arón in the side.

He hits him back jokingly as all of you check your mics before walking out through to where you’d go on stage. Arón walks with his hand effortlessly locked with yours as the cast all start being introduced to walk on stage. Your name is called and you reluctantly let go of your hand, letting the applause warm your face with a bright smile as you step out.

- - - - - -

The after party was always the most fun part of the premiere, where all of you got to let loose and truly celebrate yourselves and the project more than ever. You made sure to all get a few drinks in and toast to each other, the venue already bustling with people.

“Danna!” You grin as you see her, wrapping her in a long hug, “You look stunning!”

“Ahh thank you so much!” She beams, “Lets get a photo!”

You two pose for a photo together which she instantly posts to her Instagram story. You go to take another as a pair of arms wrap around you and pull you into their chest.

“I missed you,” Arón mumbles into your ear, kissing just below it as he speaks.

“You were gone for five minutes,” You laugh, turning in his arms to face him, “Am I just thay missable?”

He jokingly looks as though he’s pondering the thought before his lips curl into a smile, “Dance with me, you love this song!”

It’s impossible to say no to him as he buries his face in your neck and the two of you sway far too slowly to the upbeat track.

You’re so lost in each other that you don’t hear when Ester starts filming for her Instagram as they all sing along to the music. And you certainly don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re right in the background of the video...

- - - - - -

The next morning, the lasting effects of the alcohol mean it takes you longer than usual to get up at all. You’d had a lazy morning alongside Arón in bed, both of you ignorant to everything else around you. You hadn’t thought too much about how much your phones were buzzing - expecting it to be the typical aftermath of the premiere hype that had caused it.

“Fuck! They don’t want to leave us alone this morning,” Arón grumbles as you bury your head into his chest.

“Ignore it,” You mumble as your phone buzzes another two times and his starts to ring.

“Alright, alright, give me two minute,” He confirms, shuffling out of the bed and reluctantly out of your grip as he stands up to find his phone in his jeans from the night before.

He’s completely naked and still half asleep as he tries to read what had been coming through on his screen.

“What?” He frowns, “Miguel’s just said ‘I promise it wasn’t me’.”

You push yourself to sit up in the bed, tucking the sheet under your shoulders to keep you covered, “What wasn’t him?”

He laughs a little, “Well, fuck.”

“What?” You frown, reaching to grab the phone from him.

“Alright but before you see it,” He holds the phone up high to stop you from grabbing it, “I want you to be sure that this doesn’t change anything. We’ll make it work and we’ll just have to figure out a way of-“

“Arón!” You exclaim, “Let me see the phone!”

He chuckles and hands it over so you can see the video replaying on his screen - the video Ester has taken. With a clear view of you and Arón cosying up in the background.

“Holy shit,” You let out in an exasperated breath, “Everybody’s seen this?”

“Pretty much,” He says with a smirk playing on his lips.

“What do we do?”

“What do you mean?” Arón laughs, “Does this change anything?”

“Well, no. But it’s a lot harder to manage a relationship when you’re in the public eye...”

“Yeah, but we don’t have to share excessive amounts. We’ll continue doing as we are now, just stop lying in interviews now,” He jokes, “They don’t need to know every detail about our relationship just because they’ve seen us together.”

Just like that, he’s said the words suitable for calming your nerves.

“And nobody gets to see us like this, other than us,” He comments as he clambers back Into bed with you, “I think we’ll both just be glad to not have to lie anymore, you’re a terrible liar!”

[wayward-mikaelson]

But I Didn’t, Did I?

Word Count: 2497

Pairing: Cas x Reader

Characters: Cas, Reader, Dean, and Sam

About: The Reader, the younger Winchester sibling, is on a forbidden solo hunt that almost goes south leaving her bleeding out but she manages to get back to her motel. Cas finds her and is furious with her and lets her know it. But he accidentally let’s out his true feelings for her. 

Warning: Language, Blood and Gore, Fighting, Angst, Fluff, SMUT, Unprotected Sex (don’t be silly wrap that willy), Rough Sex, Caught the morning after. 

A/N: Cas/Misha Stans, tag your fellow Cas/Misha stans NOW!!! And let know if you want to be tagged in future work.

A/N 2: I really enjoyed writing this one! I always wonder if there are secret Winchesters out there that don’t know their big brothers are Sam and Dean

Tag List: @hobby27 @donnaintx​ @myinconnelly1​ @magssteenkamp​ @elansaidaris​ @440mxs-wife​ @squirrelnotsam​ 

*18+ CONTENT. ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 WILL NEED TO MOVE ALONG. I DO NOT WANT TO RISK MY PAGE AND WORK GETTING THANOSED

**PLEASE DO NOT COPY AND PASTE MY WORK ANYWHERE ELSE WITHOUT MY PERSMISSION AND WITHOUT GIVING ME THE PROPER CREDIT. I WORK TOO HARD ON MY WORK FOR IT TO GET STOLEN.

***ALL MY WORK IS ALSO POSTED ON IG, WATTPAD, AND AO3. PLEASE GO SHOW THEM LOVE OVER THERE AS WELL.

I'm thrown into a nearby wall.

The back of my head smacking it so hard that I almost pass out.

Story of my fucking life when I go solo hunting.

That's going to leave me sore in the morning, I think as I get back and pick up my gun. This was such a horrible idea but, it's too late to turn back now that I am facing the werewolf that both my brothers and Cas told me not to hunt. If this wolf doesn't kill me then Dean will have my head on the chopping block before I could give some dumb ass excuse.

"For a Winchester you suck ass. Bad," The wolf taunts me. "It's no wonder they keep you locked away. I bet you can't even shoot me without missing the first few times." The wolf beings to circle me showing me his nasty teeth. "I could make your death so quick and leave your body for your brothers to find. But then of course they will stop at nothing until I'm either way." The wolf stops and stares at me. "But then again, I'm not one to leave messes behind."

The wolf lunges at me and tackles me to the ground. I do everything to keep his teeth from biting me. I kick and punch this way and that but not much damage is done to him. He grabs my arm and digs his nasty nails into the muscle and I scream out. Yep, my brothers are going to kill me for going out hunting if I survive this.

My gun slides from my hand and I roll over on my hands and knees and make my way towards it. The wolf pulls me back and attempts to bite me. I kick him square in the face and quickly get my gun and spin around and shoot him directly in the heart.  He looks down at his chest as the blood starts to spill from it. Then he looks back up at me and smiles. "I take that back," he says with blood coming out. "You don't suck ass." The wolf falls on his face.

I hang my head back and stare at the night sky. The stars are beautiful and I can make out the Big Dipper. My arm starts to throb once I realize I relaxed too long. I look down to see my entire left arm in covered in blood. I start to act quickly. I pull my belt off and wrap it above the wound and tighten it up as much as I could. I take my flannel off and tie it over the wound. That should hold until I get back to the motel. The motel I paid for with the card I stole from Sam. It wouldn't be long until he was able to track it down and both he and Dean were at my door.

I make my way to the car that i took from the bunker. Another thing that my brothers will have my ass over. I turn the ignition and drove off. I think about anything but my throbbing arm. I can start to feel myself start shake. Just a few more minutes. I can start to see the stupid neon sign to the motel.

I quickly park the car and get out. I throw open the trunk and pull out my first aide kit and the bottle of whiskey I swiped from Deans room. I kick open the door and before I could close the door and set things down, I hear the door slam and I am being pinned to the door. My adrenaline starts to rise again and the throbbing in my arm slowly fades away. Just as fast as the adrenaline comes, it fades away when I realize it's not a monster or my brothers.

"How did you find me, Cas?" I ask the angel. He has a hand on my shoulder. The look on his face is pure anger. How can an angel like him hold so much anger in his face? In his eyes?

"It was not hard," Cas replies. He notices my bandaged arm and takes the tied up shirt off and sees the belt above it. "What the hell happened?" He asks pulling me from the door and leading me to the bed.

"You're not going to tell Sam and Dean are you?" I ask as Cas inspects the wound. His hands are gentle but his face still tells me he is furious.

"This is starting to get infected," Cas ignores the question. "Luckily, you think faster than your brothers and was able to stop it from getting worse." Well theres a plus. I'm smarter than my brothers. Maybe because we didn't have the same mother.

My mother was the smart one who had a one night stand with the man who saved her. That then resulted in me being born. I never met my father, only about him. When my mother died she said I should look for my father and gave me a number. That number lead me to the brothers that I never knew I had and the news that our father had died years ago. That was nearly five years ago. Since then, I learned the way of the 'family business' as Dean called. Turns out I inherited a lot from our dear old dead dad.

"YN," Cas says placing his hand over my arm. A soft glow of a light appears and I can see my arm start to heal. "You're arm is good along with any other injuries." Cas leans back and stares at me. "You could have died. What the hell happened?" He asks again with a firmer voice.

I swallow hard. Cas is never firm with me unless I'm careless and throwing my life into dangerous situations. "A werewolf," I say getting up and getting a glass of water. "A cocky ass werewolf who is dead. It didn't go as planned but at least the dick head is dead."

Cas rubs his face and sighs or maybe it's a groan. Either way, Cas is more irritated than normal. "You are so much like Dean on a hunt at times. Hot headed and cocky. No set plan in place."

"I had a plan Cas," I'm starting to get irritated as well. "It just didn't go as...well...planned." I turn to look at him. The anger on his face sent shivers down my spine. His face is suppose to be smooth and pure.

"And that plan almost got you killed," His voice starts to rise. "What would I tell your brothers if I found you dead?"

The anger in me starts to boil in me. "But I didn't, did I?" I snap at him. "I'm more than capable of taking care of myself. Hunting by myself. Making this damned world a better place by myself. I don't need my brothers twenty-four seven to do all that."

In seconds Cas is across the room. His hands grip both my upper arms. "Do you not understand, YN?" He yells. "You could have died! I could have lost you. I cannot loose you."

That's when I see it. It's not anger I see in his face, it's worry and fear and...love? My anger disappears and I feel Cas's hands loosen on my arms. Cas's face falls and he starts to leave. I take a deep breath and walk after him and take hold of his hand. "Cas," I say softly and before I could get another word out, Cas spins around and pulls me into his arms and slams his lips onto mine.

The kiss is intense and I find myself melting right into it. I run my hands up between our bodies and hold onto the collar of his trench coat. I pull back and see the worry begin to fade from his eyes and face. The worry is replaced by lust and hunger. I take a few steps back and slowly remove my shirt. Cas takes both his trench coat and coat that underneath off. He walks towards me, unbuttoning his shirt and throwing it off to the side along with his shoes.

I begin to back up, kicking my shoes off to the side, until the back of my legs hit the bed. Cas closes the distance between us but putting both hands on my face and softly kissing me while wrapping an around me and laying us down on the bed.

I'm aware of a warm, tingling sensation coming from Cas's hands. Where ever his bare skin touched on mine, I would feel it. It sent waves of pleasure throughout my whole. I give a soft and small sigh. Cas pushes away and stands up. The warm feeling his skin gave me also leaves. He undoes his belts and pulls his pants down. His hard dick bouncing about making me long for it inside of me.

I get to work on getting my pants off and soon, Cas is settled between my legs. He looks at me in the eyes, I see a small hint of angelic glow in his. My brothers are going to lock me away for sure once they find out about this. Because you know, they will find out eventually. I reach between our bodies and grab Cas's hard dick. I feel him tense up as I move it to my entrance and give it a few pumps before using my free hand to pull his face down to kiss me again.

Cas pushes himself inside of me, making me moan. "Oh Jesus fuck," I sigh as we adjust to each other.

"I do not think that-" Cas starts to say but I cover his mouth.

"Cas, don't ruin this," I move my hips up and Cas starts to get the idea. The lust and hunger returning to his eyes. He takes me hands and pins them onto the bed and picks up the pace of his thrusts.

The thrusts soon become almost brutally fast. The smacking of our skin echoes in the room along with my moan like screams and whimpers. "Cas, fuck, Cas," I pant and cry out. "Oh, please don't stop."

"I do not plan on it," He purrs into my ear. He slides an arm under me and flips us over to where hes sitting and I'm in his lap. He continues to fuck me harder than before. "Now, that is better." He says taking my hands and putting them on the sides of his shoulder. "Now do not come until I tell you."

I close my eyes and bite my lip as he fucks up into me. My core and entire body start to tighten up and I will kill myself if I came without being told to. I focus on anything but coming but it's so hard when the man slash angel is fucking you so good.I bite my lip harder and taste blood.

"I wanted this for so long," Cas grunts in between each powerful and earth shattering thrust. "I always wanted to know what it felt like to be inside you. To be this close to you. To feel your body on mine. To hear you sigh, scream, moan my name."

"Cas," I whimper. I'm on edge and I need release. I need to let myself go and I need to feel him completely inside of me. "Please let me come."

"Soon," he says firmly. "I am getting close too. We will come together."

Thats when I realize, Cas's thrusts were beginning to feel sloppy and uneven. I take my hands off his shoulders and press them to his face and kiss him. "Cas, come for me." My kisses are sloppy and sweaty. "Come inside me, Cas. I need to feel you all inside me." I rest my forehead on his and stare into his eye. His teeth are clenched together grunting my name softly. His thrusts, sloppier than before, still slam into me.

"Come with me, YN," Cas says thrusting deeper. He stares right into my eyes. "Come!"

I myself go and my eyes roll into the back of my head. I scream out Cas's name, digging my nails into the sides of his face. I feel Cas come with me. I feel the warmth of his cum fill me up. HIs hands grip my sides hard enough that I know bruises will be left. He moans out my name and we fall back onto the bed.

"That was fucking amazing," I say pulling the covers over us and snuggling up next Cas. "I should go out more often on solo hunt so that you fuck me angrily like that."

"Please do not," Cas wraps me up in his arms. My head rests on his chest. "I cannot bare to loose you. That is why, when I figured it out where you were going, I followed you. I was late to jump into your case but, I was also almost late. You could have bleed out right here in the room if you didn't patch your arm up right."

Listening to Cas talk about how much he cares for me, makes me guilty for going out in the first place. But then he and I wouldn't have had amazing sex and I wouldn't have known his true feelings towards me. I sit up and look at him. His blue eyes staring right back at me. I lean up and kiss him gently. "I love you, too." I say laying my head back down before passing out for the evening.

I sleep peacefully.

Until the door to motel is kicked down.

I jump up in bed, still naked from the night before. Cas is still next to me, angel blade at the ready. Naked as well. In storms both my brothers. Guns drawn with looks of anger and worry on their faces. I quickly pull up the covers to cover my bare breasts. Dean sees this and then sees Cas besides me.

Deans holsters the gun. "You guys better have some sort of clothing under there."

"Uh, Dean," Sam says looking around at the floor. Dean follows his gaze and the horror and realization falls on his face.

Dean makes his way towards the bed. Well it was nice knowing freedom, I jokingly think. Dean pulls me up by my arm and picks up my bag from the ground. He leads me to the bathroom, not without me stumbling over my shaking legs. Shaking legs from being fucked to oblivion by a celestial being. Dean looks at me and then back at Cas. More horror covering his face.

Once in the bathroom, I turn to see Cas already getting dressed. He's facing me as he buttons up his shirt and give me a satisfying smile. I give one in return and Dean sees it. He tosses the bag onto the counter. "Get cleaned up and dressed. We are all going home. And you," Dean closes the door. "You and I are going to have some words about this."

[thurisazsalail]

#SayTheirNameChallenge

I’m supposed to be doing homework, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about all of them. About any of my neighbours who might be next, about our protests going on the news only fifteen minutes away. So I have a challenge, *especially* for white people. Especially for us, who say “but we ain’t like that”. I got one for us. Anyone can join- please do! But especially white folks, because please don’t just say “oh yeah, too bad about what happened to _____” and then erase it from memory.  And I’m not asking us to do a whole lot. This challenge can be done by anyone, no matter able-bodied or disabled (like me), with money or not (no prob, I got you, a lot of us out of jobs right now). It won’t matter. This challenge is for everyone. You don’t even need a bucket of ice water.

The Challenge: 

One act for one name. Every name that has been across the headlines, another Black person murdered senselessly or suspiciously, like #SandraBland the activist who was murdered by police after supposedly having a brake light out. Or #TrayvonMartin . Just pick some names. 

Choose a ‘schedule’. Pick seven names for seven days. Or go for 30 names. You can do 12 names, one per month- whatever fits your budget and abilities. Some of us get worn the fuck out just taking a shower, so pick a ‘schedule’ and try it out.  Choose an act. - Doesn’t have to be monetary, but monetary helps if you have it to spend on a 501c3 charity. Please be safe and research the charity you donate to! Charities are often very specific with what they do and don’t do, have a Facebook or website, dedicated contact list, etc. Many do not have Venmo or CashApp- don’t just donate to *any* “charity” link, since crises are the times scammers latch on and pretend to be people. Be safe, be smart! Make sure your money goes to the real thing!  “Supporting mental health” is NOT a specific goal. “Providing resources” is not a specific fundraiser goal. I have a Facebook page that does that for FREE. “Providing a safe place at ____ location to teach valuable job skills, build interview familiarity, resume advice, etc.” would be a specific list of goals that clearly require money (like lights, rent, water, etc.) So check your fundraiser links! Do they track to other actual pages? Like, is that link posted by the main page of the company it says it goes to? If it isn’t, don’t donate to that link. Donate through the main website, or call the organisation to ask how to donate to them! - You could share social media awareness of a hobby someone loved, to share that love with someone! Examples: tagging ten friends who might like to follow the Audobon Bird Society’s IG page, or share posts about donating to a wildlife sanctuary in honour of #ChristianCooper - Continue someone’s fight for them! #GeorgeFloyd was a security guard and truck driver who just wanted to be a better dad for his kids. He wanted to help people and bring joy. He wanted to be an amazing parent, and never got to meet his 3 year old granddaughter. NationalBailOut.org to free Black mothers so they can be home to enjoy their kids’ lives and be with them. - Give blood or learn a new skill! You could sign up to learn CPR. It costs $30 or less in most cities, and takes approx. 2 hours to be certified through the Red Cross. This course covers adults, children, and infants! When a 20-something year old in my class suddenly stopped talking and fell over unconscious in her seat, I was the ONLY ONE in a class of 40+ who knew CPR. Sudden respiratory arrest can cause heart failure. Anyone of any age can have an undiagnosed heart condition! CPR saves lives! Or give blood or plasma in honour of EMT #BreonnaTaylor. - None of those appeal to you? Not sure what to do? You could also pass around a fundraising post on Facebook for a local food bank for the area someone came from, or for a Black-owned store or museum and talk about the services they provide or the good things they do. Make your list. Do one good thing for every name on that list. That’s the challenge. 

 #blacklivesmatter

[eclecticash22]

For the anon asking about the Norma Jeane anon! LD goes into more depth on this.

**Trigger Warning: sexual themes, self harm, suicide**

Also, before you begin reading I want to make sure that we’re on the same page. No judgment is welcome here. Anon doesn’t want to be judged and I do not want to see judgment. You’re entitled to your opinion, but if you have anything negative to say, then I ask that you keep it to yourself. This is a judgment free zone and it will not be tolerated! Thank you for being kind human beings.

Hi this is LD from the Norma Jeane ask. I was gonna answer this in your ask but the letter limit made it hard to explain. I ask that when you post this that my username remains unknown. To respond to the other anon, I asked another psychic on tumblr who I was in a past life. She said a European woman between the 50’s-70’s. Now I’m not sure what made me decide to look up Marilyn Monroe but I did and I just felt something. I’ve looked into her and we really have a lot of similarities and synchronicities. Our childhood is similar. My mother is someone that part of me loves but another part would rather stay away. My dad is in my life, but as rarely as we see each other he may as well be absent. Norma Jeane would go to the beach with her mom sometimes and she’s always loved the beach. The beach for me is one of the few places where all of my worries disappear. I overthink a lot. But being at the beach, there’s just one thing on my mind and that’s the water. ( I’m also the same person that asked you if I was a mermaid sorry😅). Anyway, like Norma Jeane I’ve also been sexualized at a young age. Like her, it started with ppl in my family. Idk i just always seemed to attract ppl in that way. I had mixed feelings about it at first. I loved the feeling of sex, craved it lots of times(I heard that not everyone who has been sexually exposed at a young se stays away from sex and the opposite may happen instead). However on the other hand, I felt dirty for the ppl that I’ve had those intimate moments with. It was never rape because i was never forced. It would just be suggested by a friend or cousin and I would give in. I always had a hard time saying no to ppl. I felt guilty and ashamed whenever I would touch myself( I probably should’ve warned from the beginning that this might get a bit sexual). However, I’m starting to embrace my sexuality and am learning that whatever attracts ppl to me is my own kind of power, so long as nobody takes advantage of that. I’ve never been in any foster home or orphanages but I remember my mom threatening me a lot of times about cps taking me away and telling me I would live in a foster home. I’ve stayed in numerous of different people’s households. Some family members. Some friends who I clung to( I think I have abandonment issues, I get very attached to ppl I like). Idk I was just always looking to stay with a family that wasn’t my own. I’m also very shy now in contrast to my friendly younger self. Despite that I’ve always been told that I’m good with words and speaking. I’ve always loved reading and am good at writing, although I don’t really like writing much. If you knew that Marilyn Monroe loved to read and wrote poetry, then congratulations you know more about her than most ppl who walk around with her on shirts and posters of her on their walls for aesthetic reasons( something that bothered me at first but whatever). I’ve also been into acting. My mom told me that I was good with speaking in public and that I should try it. She encouraged me to join in middle school but my shyness and fear of being embarrassed or made fun of prevented me from doing that. I tried out tho in high school. Although that was short lived because the theatre teacher left, she told me that I was good and I enjoyed acting very much. Animals are something else that I really loved. I always wanted a dog, but because I’ve lived in apartments almost my whole life, I always ended up with fish, which was probably a sign from my higher self that I was a mermaid but that’s a different story. I’m sorry I’m all over the place and I keep losing track. There’s just so many things to cover. Los Angeles is another place I’ve been interested in going to. Specifically Sherman Oaks. That’s because I had an obsession with the late Cameron Boyce, who now that I look back on had a few things in common with Marilyn Monroe, such as height, where he lived, being an actor, writing poetry, and dying at such an untimely age. My walk is something else that I think we have in common.

This doesn’t happen often because it’s not really noticeable, but every now and then someone would point out how I would twist or how my hips would sway whenever I walked. My mom looked at me funny once when I was younger when I walked in front of her. This is because I’m a guy. A bisexual guy specifically, which makes sense since Marilyn has been with many men. Maybe she’s been with a few women as well, or maybe I’m fully gay and just won’t accept it yet idk. I’ve always been feminine as well. I don’t identify as a woman, but I do feel like one lots of times. I’ve also been told a few times that i should be a model, mainly I think because of my long legs. A trait Marilyn also had. Maybe because of my face too but I don’t think I’m THAT good looking. Then again, there were ppl who didn’t find Marilyn attractive enough either. I’ve also been in a mental hospital once. I’ve had suicidal thoughts and even tried it a few times. I’ve seen a therapist, and right now, with how I’ve currently been feeling I wonder if I’m bipolar. I also suffer from insomnia and anxiety. Again, if you know more about Marilyn Monroe than just looks and glamour than you’ll understand. I also love the 50’s aesthetics. Although I’m a fan of the 80’s and 90’s as well so ig that probably doesn’t mean much. I love roses and been interested in gardening. I’ve also always wanted to live in one of those Spanish homes. I always found them beautiful.I love love. I love men, I love children. I have a lot of fantasies. Part of those fantasies are of being with various men(I’m not getting into details). But other fantasies involves being with a secure, fun, intelligent man who really loves me and having children. Which is weird since I’m a guy but Marilyn has always wanted to marry with a man she really loves, have kids, and be a good wife. After she settles down and retires from her career ofc. It hurts me so much that none of my relationships seem to last. They always leave. I’m currently trying to recover from a “break up” right now. I’ve determined my beauty and value based on how many guys are attracted to me, which is cruel and untrue. There are times when I feel like I can’t really live and be happy without someone by my side. I have a huge fear of being alone and rejected and unhappy my entire life. Just the thought depresses me. I can’t express enough how much I’ve loved and gotten attached to boys, thinking I would be loved back and live a life together, only to be heartbroken. I think in this life, I have to learn lessons that I didn’t learn in my past life to not depend so much on men to keep me happy and that I shouldn’t get so attached. Not all relationships are forever. There are probably more similarities but that’s all I can think of for now, and this is long enough already. Now, even with all of these similarities it still doesn’t prove that i was Marilyn Monroe. I’m pretty sure a lot of ppl can relate to most if not all of what I just said. So I went to you Ash to ask if Joe DiMaggio was my twin flame in my past life(yes that was me too Ash I’m so sorry). I feel like Marilyn and Joe were twin flames in that life and I’ve had dreams of this guy who looks very similar and have similar characteristics to Joe. When you told me Joe DiMaggio was in fact my twin flame, I saw this as another confirmation that I could’ve been Marilyn Monroe in a past life, however I still couldn’t be 100% sure so I decided to just pop the question I really wanted. I asked Ash if I was a girl named Norma Jeane. I didn’t feel comfortable saying Marilyn Monroe because I didn’t want to be seen as those egocentric nut jobs who claim to be the reincarnation of famous ppl. I also knew less ppl would know who Norma Jeane is compared to if I put Marilyn Monroe. In fact it’s these very reasons why I’m hoping that what I’m telling you doesn’t get out of hand. I don’t like TOO much attention and I don’t want to be backlashed for believing in this. Speaking of which, Marilyn also

Didn’t like all of the attention and invasion of privacy a while after being famous. She would walk around in “disguises” and give fake names whenever she checked into hotels. Which is somewhat similar to things I’ve done before. Marilyn and I both seemed to be secretive and enjoy our privacy. Not that we weren’t honest or open, it’s just not everyone needs to know everything you know. Also I’ve always said that I wanted to die in my sleep. I’ve always said that because I wanted to die a peaceful and painless death, not knowing that I did die in my sleep in my past life. Anyway, yeah so I asked if I was Norma Jeane and I got a yes, which was a relief. I’m sorry anon that this probably what you wasn’t looking for. I didn’t have any psychic moments. I didn’t have any dreams or recall any memories. Marilyn Monroe didn’t appear to me and tell me that I was her in a past life. Everything that I learned is only due to research, signs, intuition, and these two lovely and helpful tumblr psychics that I mentioned. Ofc part of me will always have doubts whether or not I really am Marilyn Monroe. It’s only natural to have doubts. Just like how I have my doubts if I’m really a mermaid in the astral or spirit realm or afterlife or whatever you call it. But until I get proof that I’m not Marilyn Monroe or a mermaid or that Joe DiMaggio wasn’t her twin flame, I will go on believing these things to be true or at least a possibility. But I’ll never be 100% sure until I’m dead. This has honestly been painful to talk about considering I’m bringing up not only my past life but also my past in THIS life, which some of it still hurts. But it’s been nice sharing this. Thank you❤️.

*Hey, LD! Thank you for sharing your story. And no need to apologize for asking about being a mermaid or Joe DiMaggio! I’m happy to answer your questions  ❤️ ❤️ *

[dramaqueeenamby]

Feast

A/N: Yeah. Idk how to stick with the word requirements for blurbs so here is a whole damn oneshot with Big Nasty and a black reader. Also, ya’ll know I love Amara and she’s my go-to FC, but feel free to ignore and imagine yaselves’! :p

Words: 3.4K

Warnings: Slight, like very slight, and shitty smut

Tagging the fellow Flo’s Hoes/Lil Nasties who I know share love for our manzzzz and expressed interest in this hot mess!

TAGS: @chaneajoyyy @forbeautyandlife @heyauntieeee @crushed-pink-petals @mimigemrose @thepinkjinx @honeychicana @sdcyumyum @babygirlofwakanda

FEAST

“Bitch, hurry up. I can only hold my stomach in for so long. Not all of us have abs like you.”

Your best friend and current photographer sucked her teeth. “What abs? I haven’t done a real workout in months.”

You rolled your eyes, breaking from your position to place your hands on your hips and look over at her, squinting from the intensity of the sun. “What are we about to do then?”

Maya mirrored your stance. “You know damn well we’re only going to make it about a block before we call it quits.”

You laughed. It was true. While Maya had a bit more stamina than you, neither of you were feeling like being healthy. Plus, between decorating your new condo that you’d purchased with your best friend since elementary school or getting in a negative calorie burning workout….playing interior designer sounded a lot more appealing.

“Well let;s at least get these pictures done. We look too bomb to not snap a pic or two.”

“Or 100.”

You fake sniffled. “You know me so well.”

Sharing a laugh, Maya instructed you on how to pose, snapping more than two photos before you switched positions.

“Ugh. Give me your height, please.” At 5’10 with a slim thick figure, your best friend could have easily been a model if you two hadn’t went into the clothing business, opening your own boutique.

Maya snorted. “Give me your booty.”

“It’s a trade,” you agreed as Maya gave you poses that made her look even that more angelic and bomb than she already was. “Work, bitch.” The two of you fell out laughing as she gave a little twerk before covering her face.

“Can’t take us anywhere.”

You wiped at your eyes. “Nowhere.” She came to stand beside as you two perused through the photos you’ve taken eventually settling on one for each of you to post on social media.

“Franchise is going to love that one,” Maya murmured as you guys started to walk back toward your condominium, the decision to bypass the workout an unspoken agreement made among you.

You threw your head back and groaned. “You and that damn nickname.”

“I wouldn’t have given it to him if you would bless that man with some Rosetta Stone.”

“Now see, what we not gon’ do is talk about my baby.”

“That’s the biggest ass baby I’ve ever seen.” As her eyes fell onto you, she caught the sly and suggestive smile planted on your face. “Stop that!”

“You tell no lies,” you wiggled your brows as she grimaced.

“I think I’m going to be sick.” She pretended to gag as you pulled out your phone to check the post. Sure enough, he’d been one of the first to like it.

Smiling, you swiped to see he’d left two separate comments.  

😍😍😍

Mine 🤪🙌🏻❤️

You quickly double tapped both to heart them before giving a quick reply.

☺️😘❤️

Your boyfriend, Florian, was the definition of unexpected. You’d met by chance, both of you being on the same connecting flight that been delayed, forcing passengers to spend the night in the terminal. Your phone was dying, you foolishly leaving your charger in your suitcase as you hadn’t expected your battery to die before you reached your stop, Honduras.

Looking around the terminal, you noticed that there was only one available seat that was near a charging station. And it just so happened to be next to the tall, large, and handsome man who you could have sworn you’d caught staring at you several times. Never really into white guys, even you couldn’t deny the man was sexy as hell.

You’d overheard him talking on the phone and noticed he had a European accent to his deep voice, amping the appeal you were already having problems ignoring.

As your battery sunk into single digits, you decided to approach the handsome stranger, asking if it was alright for you to take the seat next to him.

“Of course.” Was his kind reply, his smile causing your stomach to do all kind of somersaults and walkovers.

While you’d initially planned to pretend to be busy on your phone, it seemed as though being in his proximity or being the first to make the move was the only thing he needed to start up a conversation.

An exchange of names and casual conversation quickly turned into you learning almost everything to know about each other. He was an actor who’d just been cast in a film he couldn’t tell because of contractual reasons and was going on a short vacation with close friends before traveling to the states to start filming.

You told him how you were heading to Honduras to celebrate your best friend’s 25th birthday. His favorite color was green. Yours was pink. He was the baby of his siblings. You were an only child. He was single….you were single.

You could definitely detect the flirtatious tone he allowed to seep in his naturally confident demeanor and surprised yourself with how you matched his vibe. Then again, how couldn’t you? The man was gorgeous and his body was delicious.

And that was just from what you could see through his sweats.

Contact information was exchanged as you two eventually separated, and what started as a long distance friendship easily transformed into something a lot more serious. He was away filming for three months, 90 days that comprised of constant phone and video communication, virtual interaction constituting the forming of your relationship.

Though you hadn’t officially discussed the status of you “-ship” as you’d gleefully ran into his open arms as you met him at the airport, making physical contact with him for the first time since you met…..you just kinda knew.

Then, of course, the fact that you two went through almost half a box of condoms the same night and you learning the real reason they called him Big Nasty probably helped as well.

So now, months later, there was no question about where you two stood. Florian was your man, and you, his lady.

Pulling down to refresh the comments, your smile dropped as you saw Maya’s reply on the thread between you and your boyfriend.

🤨 She been both fine AND mine long before you, Franchise.

Looking at her with the ‘really, bitch’ face, she busted out laughing.

“You know I had to.”

You maintained your annoyed expression before joining her in her cackling. “I hate you.”

“Lies,” she sang. “That’s like saying you hate Baby Arnold.”

“Maya!”

She was right though. Though you’d always been hesitant about falling too deeply given your less than stellar track record with men, there was something different about Florian. Being with him made you feel like a teenager all over again. Hell, you were 25 and getting all giddy over a damn Instagram comment.

You didn’t want to say that you loved him. Not yet. Not out loud, at least. But….you definitely more than just liked him.

As you two made it back to your condominium, you decided to start unpacking the boxes that created a fire hazard in your kitchen. You’d had just about enough takeout and while neither of you could cook to save your lives, it couldn’t help to start learning.

After all, you wanted to try to learn how to make at least one of your man’s favorite dishes. All you needed was a recipe, ingredients, prayers, and a fire extinguisher.

“Would you get off your phone and help me put some of these dishes away?” You yelled at your friend as she waved you off, continuing her IG live as she ate the last bit of her Chinese takeout.

“You’re doing great, sweetie!” She snorted as you turned around to flip her off.

“Hey, Siri. Play my music on Shuffle,” Maya called out to the HomePod. You rolled your eyes and prepared to tell the music player to turn it off when you realized it was “Bust Down Barbiana.”

“Ayee!” You shouted, running over to turn the music all the way up as Maya jumped up as well. Going over by her, the two of you started to dance and sing along.

“Thank you next, Ariana!” You both yelled as you two twerked on each other, all desires to stay on task thrown out the window. You continued to dance, noticing as the viewers of the Live continued to go up and up as you remembered Maya had a good amount of followers.

For a second, you contemplated moving out of the frame but as soon as the next song came on, Tia Tamera by Doja Cat, you knew it was a wrap.

“Hair grow long like Chia. Money go long like Nia!” You sang loudly, moving to climb up on the half wall, dancing on there, dropping into a squat and moving your ass. “I am the big idea! My twins big like Tia!”

“Aye! Aye!” Maya continued to hype you as she grabbed her phone to better film you. “Get it, Thickems!”

Continuing to act a fool, you didn’t notice Maya roll her eyes until she shouted.

“Go away, Franchise!”

Hearing that, you looked at her. “Flo’s watching?” As she murmured a ‘you know he is,’ you grin widened as you blew a kiss. “Hi, baby!”

“Can ya’ll not be all romantic on my live!” Maya groaned. You ignored her and continued to dance, purposely moving your ass even more. Flo loved your booty, his big hands always going to grab or smack it every chance he got.

Especially during sex. His favorite position was any that allowed him to bend you over. The counter, the bed, a workout machine, anything really.

“He said get your ass down before you fall, Bee!” Maya warned, though you were unsure if she was just saying that or if Flo really was concerned.

“If I fall and hurt myself, will you come home?” You asked, half joking, half serious. Promo for the film Florian had been filming, Creed II, was at full force, your poor boyfriend having to partake in interview after interview and premiere after premiere. A part of you felt bad for him, but you missed your man more.

It’d been almost two months since you’d seen him in person, and he wasn’t set to come visit you for another month. Your shower head and vibrator could only do so much. You needed the real and much bigger thing.

But sexual desires aside, you really just missed being held by your boyfriend, joking around with him, forcing him to watch your “chick flicks” or the occasional trip to the club.

“Ooooh.” You finally jumped down and walked over to Maya. “Call him.”

Maya turned up her nose. “Hell no. This is a rated G live. Ain’t no freak shit taking place on my watch. I’m a Christian.”

“Bitch you a whole lie and 3/4ths.” You smacked your lips as you looked over her shoulder to see comments coming in left and right but focusing in only on his.

😂😂😂😂😂

“Call me, baby!”

“It’s maybe.”

“Maya, I am about to punch you in your throat.”

“Come on then, bitch. I ain’t never been scared.”

“You are so ignorant.” You wiped at your eyes and elbowed her, walking away to get your phone out the kitchen.

“That ass though!”

Shaking your head, you looked at your reflection in the FaceTime before calling him. Ring, ring, ring, With each ring, your smile dimmed. Why was he not answering? Eventually, the “unavailable” screen came up and you frowned.

“He didn’t answer.” You told Maya as she walked over, having ended her call.

Maya shrugged. “Probably went to go beat his-“

“Maya!”

——

As you finished applying your night serums, your mind was still focused on the day’s earlier events.

You’d tried calling Florian a few more times after that with each call being ignored. You texted him. No reply. Hell, you’d even resorted to more stalkerish tendencies by checking his IG activity to see if he was liking photos or whatnot. Nothing. He’d just gone ghost.

You tried to ignore it. You really did. The last thing you wanted to think about was him cheating, messing around on you. He was probably working, but as you thought about where he was and the time zone, what work could he be doing at 3 something in the morning?

Something just wasn’t right.

Of course, Maya called you stupid.

“Terminator knows I’ll kick his Russian ass if he breaks your heart.”

“He’s Romanian, Maya.”

“I don’t care if he’s Lettucian. He still gon catch this fade if he wanna be on some Tristian Hoempson shit and cheat on you.”

You chuckled. Your best friend was crazy, but you loved her.

Just like you love Flo-

“Oh hell no.”

Frowning, you walked to the bedroom door. “What’s up?”

“Ain’t this about a bitch.”

Sighing, you walked over to slide on your slippers and headed out your room. “Heifer, you better be dying.”

“Oh, someone is about to die.”

You rolled your eyes and walked over to the top of the steps. “What-“

Mouth ajar, eyes wide as saucers, you completely blocked out Maya’s smirking, charcoal mask covered as she crossed her arms over chest, and murmured a small “gotcha.”

No, your eyes were focused on the giant standing at the bottom of your steps, bag on one shoulder, suitcase on the floor next to him, his magnetic smile on his handsome face.

“Surprise.”

As though his voice was your ‘on’ switch, you broke from your trance. “Baby!” Descending down the steps with surprising speed, you threw your body into his, legs wrapping around his waist.

“Now what if you had fallen? Hmm? Who was going to pay that hospital bill?” Maya wondered aloud as you flipped her off while crashing your lips onto Florian, his hands going to palm your ass as he held you against him.

“Hey, hey, hey! All possible baby making activities need to take place in the bedroom as per section G, paragraph 2, lines 8 through 11 of the contract.”

“What are you doing here?” You asked after having to break away for air, completely ignoring your best friend. “I thought you couldn’t get away for another month.”

“I’m done in a month, but everyone needs a break, yeah?” His finger traced your lips as you went to drop your legs so that you could stand up, only for him to tighten his grip. “You missed me, hmm?”

“You know what I’m going to miss? The silence!” Maya groaned. “Where are my Beats because if you think I’m going to listen to “fuck me daddy” and “don’t stop” all night-“

Florian chuckled as you wrapped your arms around his neck, dropping your head on his chest. “It’s nice to see you too, Maya.”

“Don’t lie to her,” you mumbled into him as he turned to look at you, pecking your forehead, forcing a giggle as you clutched him tighter.

Maya gagged. “I’m leaving. Don’t beat it up too much. Tomorrow is the Lord’s day.”

“Hate you, mean it.” You groaned as she walked up the steps, finally leaving you two alone.

Hitting him on his shoulder, he looked over at you with a scowl. “Wh-“

“You had me worried sick about you.” You finally remembered the stress he’d unknowingly forced you to endure as the result of his surprise.

“I’m sorry.” You noticed the guilt in his eyes and voice and felt a bit bad about making him feel bad. “I wanted to surprise you.”

“I don’t like surprises,” you pouted as he finally let you down so that he could slide the bag off his shoulder, hands going to your hips. “I like being able to talk to my man.”

“Maybe I don’t wanna talk,” he hummed, head dropping down as he lightly nipped at your neck. “Maybe I want to touch…to taste.”

You released a mixture of a moan and groan, legs involuntary clenching together.

“You should be tired.” You tried to be considerate. As much as you wanted him, you thought about how he’d most likely been in the midst of traveling while engaging with you on Instagram. He’d been in airports and on planes for the most of the day. “At least, take a shower. Settle down.” Your fingers crawled up his chest. “Just for a bit.”

He sighed with irritation as you giggled. Standing up on your toes, you kissed his nose. “Go on. The sooner you get done, the sooner we can get started.”

——

Pouring the crystal light into the glass, you closed up the container and placed it back in the fridge. As soon as you turned around, you were ambushed with a passionate kiss, Florian grabbing you by the back on your legs and hoisting you up against his shirtless frame.

Hands holding onto his broad shoulders, you nipped on his bottom lip.

“I guess I don’t need to ask if you missed me, huh?” You teased as he sat you down on the counter so that you could grab your drink.

He chuckled and looked down, hands moving up and down your bare thighs. “I always miss you, Bee.”

Grinning bashfully, young nails lightly raked across his back as he netted his head into your neck. “Needy.”

“Very,” he absentmindedly replied, hands moving higher up your legs and under the big shirt you were sporting.

“Flo,” you whined, taking a sip of your drink as his fingers toyed with the waistband of your panties. “At least let me fix you something to eat.”

“I don’t want that.” He groaned, lifting and relocating you to the island. “And you can’t cook.”

“You know what,” You gasped and slapped his arm. “I-“ Your eyes fluttered as pushed him hands up your body, kneading your breast with one hand while using the other to carefully push you down on your back. “Not here.”

“Why not,” he murmured, kissing the inside of your thighs as he started to tug on your underwear. “Kitchen made for eating, hmm.”

You whimpered as his finger stroked your folds, a low groan leaving his mouth. You were already so wet for him. “You said you missed daddy, ehh?”

Nodding rapidly, you threw your head back and just as you felt his cool breath on your pussy, it fell out in breathy voice.

“Mmmm, I love you.”

Both of you froze. Your eyes stretched as you started to wonder just how you were going to get away from him, put as much distance between you two as possible.

Unfortunately, with the position he had you in, it was almost physically impossible for you to dash so you forced yourself to attempt to do damage control.

“I-uh-what I meant is-you know-uh-,” you stammered, finally gaining the courage to him to see that he was smiling at you. Like, genuinely fucking smiling. You wanted to smack him.

“Don’t look at me like that,” you snapped, turning your head when you felt his hand come to cup your cheek, forcing you to meet his eyes.

“You love me?” He questioned casually, like it wasn’t something you’d been trying to keep a secret for weeks, still unsure if it was, in fact, love or just lust. Maybe that’s what it was. Lust. Yeah. It’d been too long and you were speaking from your pussy. Not the heart.

That was your story and you were-

“I love you too.”

Silence.

The silence that fell over you two was so thick that you could literally hear the sound of your gulp.

“W-wh-at you just say?”

He couldn’t have said what you thought he said. No. Your-your ears were playing tricks on you.

His gaze darkened as he gazed his lips over yours. “You heard me, frumos.” Beautiful. “You want me to say again?” He questioned, giving you no time to process let alone reply as he brought his head back down your body. “Or show.”

You moaned and released a shaky breath. “Baby-“

“Shhh,” he tugged your thighs over his shoulders, pulling you right into him. “Daddy needs to eat.”

And as your man finally indulged on the dessert he’d been waiting for all day and your mewling fueled his hunger, you realized that while your punani certainly loved the man feasting on you like you were his last supper…..so did your heart.

Huh.

“Ugh. I’m starv-ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!” A Beat. “YA’LL ARE GOING TO JAIL, PERIODT!”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #253

hope everyone is staying safe through this quarantine. wash your hands.

Which band do you have more music of than anyone else on your computer? Ozzy. Who’s your favorite philosopher? *shrugs* I don't know any's ideals well. How old were you when you learned how to read? I'm not sure, but I know I was exceptionally young. What’s the coolest Halloween costume you’ve ever worn? I don't think I've ever worn something rather cool. Who’s your favorite painter/artist? If we're talking about well-known, "popular" artists, I'm not sure. Maybe DaVinci. What’s your favorite song lyric- ever? ARE YOU??????????? FOR REAL?????????? Holy FUCK I get goosebumps from lyrics SO easily, this is like impossible. Probably an Otep lyric, though. I really don't like her personally, but goddamn can she write. What’s your dream tattoo if you don’t have it already? I've linked it before, so I'll just remind it's "Denialism" by deviantART's NukeRooster on my entire, upper left arm. I've already gotten her permission (I don't like just... stealing artwork to put on my body), now just comes the day I can pay for it by a top-tier pro. What’s the coolest screen name you’ve ever had? I don't think any have been necessarily "cool." Who do you think was the most badass serial killer? (Real life.) I'm not well-versed in serial killers honestly, but I can say Charles Manson was a C A S E. I think we can all admit he was... interesting. Just the epitome of weird. Most badass fictional serial killer? ig Jason; again, I don't know a lot off the top of my head, but I like him. How many bank accounts do you have? I don't have one. Have you ever been falsely accused of starting drama? Yep. Have you ever found a song that describes your whole life? Parts of it, sure. What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive a car, but Mom's is a... Honda? Kia? Idk. I'm bad with car brands. What kind of car would you like to have? Average size, pretty simple. Burnt orange or red. I know I want one of those screens you look into to see what's behind you when backing up. Have you ever been to Dairy Queen? If so, what’s your favorite thing to eat from there? mmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. So unhealthy, but I will destroy and Oreo Cupfection. Try. That. Stuff. Their milkshakes are also great. Which website do you email from? Outlook. Do you enjoy receiving souvenirs? Sure, it's nice. Have you ever had the flu? No. What about strep throat? Maybe once? Do you normally have a lot of homework, if you’re still in school? Kinda, yeah. Did you ever enjoy gym class? Fuck no. Even when I was healthy. What is your biggest insecurity? My body. Have you ever painted a room alone? No. How many huge secrets do you have? Huge? Uhhh, none, I think. Have you ever painted something and been impressed by it? Yes. Would you rather go out to eat or stay in? I prefer eating out because yummy food, but considering I'm working on losing weight, I avoid it. Do you have any younger siblings? One. Have you ever considered bleaching your hair? To the point of being snow white. Considering my hair is super healthy and bleaching so heavily would destroy it, I'll be avoiding that. I DO want to bleach my hair to do other colors, though. Brown hair sucks. Do you drink vitamin water? No. Are there any old movies you absolutely love? Oh sure, a good handful. The Outsiders probably tops it. Have you ever had a Big Mac before? No, doesn't appeal to me. I don't like veggies on my burgers... despite eating veggie burgers when I was vegetarian lmao. Do you think you attract the opposite sex at a reasonable rate? I doubt that. Have you ever filed a lawsuit on someone? No. Do you enjoy reading often? I'm finally back into it!! Lately all I've been wanting to do is READ READ READ. Have you ever had a deadly illness? Well, I consider depression (among other mental illnesses) to be very deadly, but on a literal level, no. I mean I have dormant MRSA, which can kill if active, but it never has been. Most people carry that dormantly anyway, if I remember correctly. Ever had food-poisoning before? No, thankfully. Where did you last eat dinner at? Mom bought Nicole and me Sonic. Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground & carried you? When I fainted, yes. Are you a flirty person? Not really. A name you hate with a passion? Edward, to name one. Erwin. A lot of old names. What is your favorite type of water (ex. arrowhead)? Essentia mmmmmmmmmmmmm,, Have you ever been to Warped Tour? I WISH. :( Do you know anyone who wears fur? I fucking hope not, because I wouldn't associate with them anymore. When was the last time you were on myspace.com? Damn yo, millennia ago. How often do you cuss? Too much. I mean, I don't even believe "profanity" is a thing by our definition of "that word is magically bad," but still, it's like when people say "like" too much. Have you ever cussed out a teacher? No. What did you think of the movie Juno? I never watched it. How often do you eat meat? Sigh, more than I wish. What grade did you meet your best friend in? We didn't meet in school. Last time you cleaned your room? Couple days back. I'm honestly bad at dusting regularly in here, but that's gotta change with Mom having chemo now. Her immune system will be compromised so this house needs to be as pristine as it can. When you were little, would you have rather watched Cartoon Network or Disney Channel? Disney Channel. We weren't really Cartoon Network kids, actually. It was Disney or Nickelodeon. Do you shave your arms? No. Are you a big fan of the Harry Potter series? Never read a book, never watched any movies; the first one was playing in my presence once, but I paid no attention. How often would say you pulled all-nighters, if you ever do? Shit man, never, nowadays. I don't think I've had one for two years now. My youth is escaping. Has a friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend ever had a problem with you for any reason? I don't think so. How many times a day do you find yourself cracking your joints, if at all? Maybe not even once a day. Only my big toes and upper back can pop. Is there a particular sport you follow on a regular basis? No. Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? No. Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side? On the side. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Mom. Do you have a dog? Not anymore, thank fuck. Do you like orange juice? Yes. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister? I never liked it. They're not inclusive at all towards fucking NORMAL bodies, nevermind plus size. Apparently even their rules on looks for workers are absolutely horrible. Ashley liked them though, so sometimes I just had to go in with her. If money was no object, would you change your wardrobe? My goth could finally  E S C A P E. How do you/did you get to school? My mom drives me. Have you ever had to have a pet put down? Four times that I remember off the top of my head. What candy cane flavor is your favorite? MMMMMMMMMM get the pink Starburst kind. Do you get angry when fast food restaurants mess up your order? It's annoying, yes. Angering when you've already driven away, especially when you really wanted something. What was your favorite elective class in high school? Art. Did you ever wish you could be homeschooled? Yes. I was homebound for a little while. Have you ever had a dream so realistic you could’ve sworn it happened? Yes. Do you have any mental disorders? I'm a walking mental disorder, lmao. Y'all know the biggies, and now ADD and especially DPD (dependent personality disorder) are being considered. Do you feel comfortable talking about these disorders, if you have them? Yeah, I really don't care. Where did you go on your last field trip? I want to say to a band competition in high school. Are you able to agree to disagree? Or do you have to have the last word? Yeah, pretty easily. Is there a cover song you like better than the original version? A whole lot, actually. Do you have a hard time talking about sex with the opposite gender? I have a hard time with anyone. Have you ever had major surgery? Major, no. Is there any food you don’t like that a lot of others do? Here in the South, everyone is most surprised when they hear I hate fried chicken. What was the last thing you bragged about? Hm. I'm not sure, actually. I don't make a habit out of doing that. Can you do a backflip? Hell no. Are you listening to anything right now? I have a video up of relaxing tracks from Silent Hill 2 + 3. Great shit. Has anyone ever tried to tell you you were adopted? No. How many doors are in the room you’re in? Two, but one's just the closet door. Have you ever been engaged and broke it off? No. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? Yes. Do any of your friends have children? Yep. Is there anything you’re craving right now? Not really. Who got married at the last wedding you attended? A family friend. It was the second wedding I shot. Is happiness something to be achieved and sought after or is it something to be retained and held onto always, no matter what happens? The former. You can't just stay happy when, like, your grandma dies. What gives you a peaceful feeling? Nature. Hearing water and birdsong, specifically. Are you a Toys-R-Us kid? Hell yeah I was. My sisters and I would go crazy if we had the chance to go there. We were SOOOO upset when it closed down. If you believe in Heaven, are there separate heavens for different animals (kittie heaven. dog heaven, bird heaven, etc)? I don't know if I believe in a "heaven," but some sort of peace after death, yes. I believe it's one, unified "heaven." When you sleep next to someone do they fall asleep first usually or do you? They always do considering it takes me ten years to fall asleep. If they do, do you watch them sleep? I have. Not in a creepy way, but rather a "wow I love this person" sorta way. What is your usual breakfast? Usually apple and cinnamon oatmeal What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? They're nothing special. The salt is a blue ceramic, and the pepper one is just what you get from the store. Have you ever had your car towed? I've never had my own car. What band or singer do you believe started rock and roll? I'm pretty sure Elvis is given that credit. Whose voice irritates you like fingernails on a blackboard? The female singer of Mother Mother's voice. Mom and I can't stand her singing. All I songs we enjoy feature almost solely the main singer. I can *tolerate* it in some songs, but. What do you contribute to society? Ha. Do you take naps? Almost daily. Do you have any cavities? Not to my knowledge. Do you believe that there has been a man on the moon? Yes, though I do believe the "first" landing was faked in competition with Russia. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm so serious, look into the theory - there's incredible evidence. Would you ever go into a sex shop? I'd be too self-conscious to. I'd just order online. Let’s just say your school team is on a winning streak. One of the cheerleaders cheers both for your team and the other team during games. Does it make you angry? I don't care enough about sports to even consider how I'd feel. Do you prefer carnivals, festivals, circuses, parades or faires? To be real, I only know the difference between parades and circuses. What even distinguishes the other three from each other. Do you believe in psychic ability or is it a sham? I lean towards no. What is your favorite classic rock song? You CANNOT ask me this question. Classic rock is some of the best music there is.

[skammovistarplus]

Culture and Translation - S01 E10

After the cut, lots of thoughts of bullying and betrayals. Also, me trying to get through these quick before season 2 starts dropping. 

CLIP 1: And now, for a lot of thoughts on bullying

¿Con las clases empezadas? (“Mid-term?”): Nora asks Eva something like, “with school having started?” I reworked it as it sounds awkward.

Es que no me entra nada (“I have no appetite”): Eva says something like, “I can’t get anything inside.” Again, no one says this in English.

Okay, so when this clip dropped, there were some discussions on twitter. Firstly, as someone who has attended high school in the US and Spain, I don’t believe Nora would be nicknamed Joan of Arc at an American high school. I don’t think Joan of Arc is that well-known of a figure that side of the Atlantic. Joan of Arc is a fairly recognizable figure in Spain because she is a Roman Catholic saint, and Spanish culture is highly influenced by Catholicism. In my opinion, a person like Nora, living in Wisconsin, would be called a SJW or a snowflake or something along those lines. The issue is, Spanish people don’t understand what those nicknames would mean. They would, however, understand the nuances of getting called Joan of Arc.

Then there is another issue. Nora says, “I swear that, in the US, being a freak is a lot worse than here.” That raises some questions, because the kind of bullying Eva is victim to, is actually really serious. I believe she has it the worst out of all the Evas. To recap: She has been abandoned by all her friends except for Nora. People are talking about her and pointing at her. People throw notes at her, and she is the victim of 24/7 cyberbullying, which involves a picture of the Eva/Cristian kiss and defacing the pictures posted to her ig. This has been going on for around a week. Tyler Clementi, to name a notable victim of cyberbullying, suffered under similar circumstances.  

So, since Nora is speaking from personal experience, how severe was the bullying she suffered in Madison, the bullying that makes her say that, “in the US, being a freak, is a lot worse” than what Eva is experiencing. Some viewers felt that Nora was minimizing the bullying Eva was going through, as Nora only mentions namecalling, being nicknamed Joan of Arc. Spanish teen viewers (the target audience) felt that Nora was exaggerating what “being a freak” is like at an American high school. That is because Spanish teens’ knowledge of American high school comes from, you guessed it, TV shows and movies. In particular, a movie that was brought up in the comments to the clip was The Perks of Being a Wallflower. When this movie was dubbed for Spaniards, the title was translated as “Las ventajas de ser un marginado” (Perks of being marginalized). Now, you will agree that being marginalized is a lot stronger than being a wallflower, and so that led to the impression from certain viewers that being bullied in the US is a glamorous affair where your best friends are Ezra Miller and Emma Watson, you eat cannabis brownies, drive through tunnels for the aesthetics and go to school dances.

In short, this clip attempted to broach the topic of bullying in the US as compared to bullying in Spain, to an audience who has no real references of what American high school culture is like, outside of American popular culture. And to do so, they gave an unrealistic example (American students using Joan of Arc as a demeaning nickname), failed to explain why Nora would feel that bullying at US schools is “a lot worse” than what Eva is experiencing (which barely holds up as an argument, as what Eva is going through has led students in the US to grievous harm), and led more educated viewers to wonder about the extent of the bullying Nora went through. And while bullying at American high schools is an important topic, should that be a topic that Skam ESPAÑA deals with? Is it relevant to the average Spanish teen’s experience? Personally, I feel like the writers may have bitten off more than the show can possibly chew, with this narrative choice, which informs Nora’s character as it is her backstory.

On a lighter note, Nora compares Eva to a dog, which should imply her stance on dogs isn’t so hard-line. The word she uses, “galletitas,” can mean a number of different things in Spanish. Generally speaking, “galletas” are cookies, but they may also be biscuits, salty crackers, or yes, dog food. I went with “kibble” to keep to the dog-related teasing.

Again, the characters suggest that Eva talks to her mom, but she doesn’t. As I mentioned, this is generally true of Spanish teens (we aren’t a hivemind after all), and more specifically, of bullying victims. One of the biggest issues about bullying in Spain is that victims take up to a year to tell their parents.  

CLIP 2: Learn English with Skam España

Okay, so this is definitely more about the effects on bullying than culture or translation anymore. Is everyone in that library talking about Eva? At this point, it no longer matters for either Eva or the viewer. The bullying she has gone through so far has made it so that both Eva and the viewer now feel paranoid that everyone is talking shit about Eva while Eva is present. Maybe those guys are just checking 9gag! But since they took out their phones at the same time Eva got an IG notification, it feels like they are definitely mocking Eva. I thought Eva’s actress was great through the entire bullying arc, and I liked that Skam España expanded on the bullying sl from the og, so that we could get a fuller portrait of the effects of bullying on their victims.

¿Con qué estás? (“What are you studying?”): The literal translation would be, “What are you with?” I.e. What subject are you working on right now.

When did Amira take that Bio test? She’s supposed to be in Eva’s group (we saw her in the third clip and she’s also on the Science track), but of course, that test was all about Eva and Lucas’ friendship angst.

Phrasal verbs are the bane of every ESL student’s existence, Cris included.

No seas plasta (“don’t be a pain in the ass”): “Plasta” is a synonym of “pesado/pesada,” which I already covered in an earlier post. It literally means “flattened mass.”

Me cago en la puta (“shit on a whore”): More pooping! Now we’re pooping right on top of prostitutes! But yeah, that’s the literal translation and, you know, sometimes you want to find the closer English equivalent, and other times, you just want to make sure people understand who or what we’re pooping on this time. Cris is really frustrated with her English skills, so she uses one of the stronger pooping variations.

This was one of the clips that were most fun to translate, for the challenge of translating an English quiz to English.

CLIP 3: Mess

Es que ya hay que tener mala hostia (“You really gotta be a fucking asshole”): “Tener mala hostia” is the stronger versión of “tener mala leche” (literally, to have bad milk). A person with “mala leche” is someone who acts in bad faith, a malicious or a bad-tempered person. The idiom comes from the idea that a mother’s breastfeeding milk can have an impact on her person’s temper or personality. “Hostia,” as we’ve covered, is the sacramental bread used for the ritual of the Eucharist, but it’s used more commonly to mean a smack across the face.

Cris makes a point of singling out the person who first uploaded the pic to instagram. When I link Skam España to people, I point out that they should also follow the social media posts, and here’s the reason. If you follow the social media posts, you already know who first uploaded the picture to instagram. It was Inés. The hate ig took it from her stories, cropped it, and posted the first meme. The sequence of events is clear if you followed the show in real time. However, if you bingewatch the episodes and don’t follow social media, you get the impression that, at this point, how the Eva/Cristian picture made it to the hate ig is a mystery. And also, that whoever uploaded it first (who we know to be Inés) is the one with beef against Eva. And, well, there’s beef of the level of “I uploaded a compromising pic to my stories to be a dick” and beef on the level of “I’ve vandalized all your pictures, turned you into a meme and covertly filmed you at school.”

This confrontation is so odd when you consider that, unlike the og girl squad who didn’t know about the letter written in period blood, the Spanish girl squad suspects the second years of being behind the hate ig. In fact, they know the girls have pulled similar shit before. And, best of all, Cris actually hooked up with one of them, so you’d think Cris’ presence might help matters?

The second year girls have a different Maths teacher. This one is a guy. The girl squad’s Maths teacher is a woman.

I find it funny that Rubén was suspended for three days for fighting with ALEJANDRO, but ALEJANDRO was not punished himself.

I just noticed that there should be an “into” in the sentence, “People are huge assholes and anything can turn INTO a joke to laugh your ass off.” Oops.

CLIP 4: Failing grade in Biology and in Friendship

As noted in the subs, in Spain we’re graded on a 0-10 scale. 5 is the passing grade. Lucas got an 8, which is considered a “notable” grade, but not “outstanding” (those are grades over 9). Eva got a 3, which is well below 5. Much like Isak, Lucas is good enough in Biology that he does well in surprise exams. He seems to be resentful of what this grade might do to his GPA though, lol.

Lucas says that his mom was hysterical after his dad left, but the language he uses doesn’t make it explicit that his mom is mentally ill. The writers may or may not keep this part of Isak’s background. Thought I’d mention that since we know at this point that they have no issues giving the Skam España characters entirely different backgrounds. So far, it’s clear that Lucas’ parents fight a lot and that his home life is massively impacting Lucas’ mood and life, but we don’t know what the fights are about.

¿Para esto vienes de buenas a hablar conmigo? (“Is this why you talked to me like nothing happened?”): “de buenas” is kind of tricky to translate. You can come at someone “de buenas” (good) or “de malas” (bad). If you come at someone “de malas,” it means you’re already on a bad mood when you start a conversation, or you’re angling for a fight. On the other hand, if you come at someone “de buenas,” it means you’re in a conciliatory mood, or trying to avoid a fight.

CLIP 5: Hi privileges

Comiéndoos la boca (“Sucking face”): Inés actually says that Jorge and Eva were eating each other’s mouths. This is a common Spanish idiom, by the way!

El insta es muy jodido (“Insta is a mindfuck”): Eva says that Insta is “really fucked up,” as in, it does a number on one’s mental health. I went with “mindfuck” to get to the point of what Eva means, but keeping the swear word.

Eva asks Inés why she stayed friends with Jorge, but not her. I saw some commentary to the tune of, “why did they add that bit of dialogue? It adds nothing to the conversation, we already know this.” Personally, I think it’s good that they added it, because it’s a good starting point for a discussion, and particularly when it comes to the s2 storyline. Skam has gotten massive kudos for promoting sorority and friendship between girls. However, the s2 storyline is about Noora being forced to choose between her friend and a boyfriend. Vilde never dated William, but the storyline shares some of the same elements: Eva is torn between a guy she likes who likes her back, and her friend who is in love with that guy. So is Noora. Skam offers two outcomes to that scenario. Eva’s decision results in her expulsion from her friend group, while ultimately the girl squad friendship is stronger after Noora’s season.

Inés says she assumed that boyfriends come and go, but that she thought she’d stay friends with Eva forever. Was Eva Mohn right in choosing a boyfriend over her best friend? Was Eva Vázquez (since, thanks to the bonus clip, we know more of how Eva and Jorge got together)? Was Inés right to hold a grudge against Eva? And if she was right to do so, was she right to not hold a grudge against Jorge?  Is it ever okay to choose a boyfriend over your friends?

Again, if you haven’t kept up with the social media, Inés’ apology may seem confusing. It seems like she admits to being the person behind the hate ig, but then why would she not take credit for the meme? The first profile to make a meme out of the Eva/Cristian pic was eva_la_z0rra (or eva_the_s1ut). That’s because Inés is not behind the hate ig. She just uploaded the pic to her stories. I have noticed that people who didn’t keep up with the social media posts assume Inés took responsibility for the hate ig, which is interesting. You could watch og Skam without the social media posts and the story would be exactly the same than if you’d watched it with the social media posts. Social media added characterization details. When it comes to Skam España, you come away with two very different conclusions as to who ran the hate ig, depending on your level of investment (reading and watching everything vs just watching the episodes).

Retirar el saludo (“to snub someone”): This idiom doesn’t come up in the clip itself, but it gives cultural context to Eva and Inés’ conversation. In the course of a day, we say hi to everyone we know that we come across. We don’t necessarily stop and have a conversation, but we acknowledge them with a “hi” or a “how are you doing.” In Spain, we have a specific idiom for when someone’s fucked up and has lost their “hi” privileges. This is “retirar el saludo” (literally, “to remove the greeting”). Through the conversation, Eva seeks to get her “hi” privileges back, and eventually Inés agrees she will say “hi” to Eva when they see each other at school/around the neighborhood/at parties or botellones. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll stop to talk and catch up, but Eva now gets to be told “hi.”  

Social media: 

Cris turned 16 this week! I love that the writers specifically picked her birthdate so that it would fall on a day where the girl squad was still broken up. Needless to say, people were very salty in the comments, heh.

I’ve liked the way Skam España has referenced the og with similar social media pics, Kose Club, and song choices. Referencing songs from the og on insta is actually clever as it helps them circumvent music license issues, lol. That said, I think naming the Spanish girl squad after the og girl squad name Las Losers would be far too much. I hope they leave it at that, just a reference on a text update.

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam season 3, episode 3 reaction

Thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting so far! I love hearing people’s thoughts on S3 and reading anecdotes about other viewing experiences. This episode has some moments with a lot of room for varying interpretations; I would love to hear other POVs if you got a different reading out of a scene. It’s also one of the episodes where we have the original scripts, so we can compare the first draft with the finished product. 

Episode 3 feels like an impending train wreck up until the very end, where Robyn intervenes to keep things on track. 

SEASON 3, EPISODE 3 - “Now you’re bonding too much”

Clip 1 - Damage control, part 1

Isak starts off literally on the sidelines as he deals with the fallout of his ill-conceived lies as Emma writes a long text saying it’s fine if he’s not interested but he doesn’t have to give her false hope. Well, he is giving her some false hope, but we’ve also see him express reluctance over hanging out with her and partying with her. I can’t help but feel a little bit bad for him because even if he did make this mess himself, he also didn’t want to do the party with Emma in the first place. He’s created his own problems but they’re a result of his struggles with internalized homophobia and his need to maintain a typical heterosexual dudebro exterior. He really needs to learn to stop waffling and giving in to what people expect or want from him and start speaking up for himself, but of course he can’t quite do that until he starts being honest with himself and others.

Emma demonstrates her maturity by writing a reasonable-ish text message at 21:35, then complaining that he doesn’t answer at 22:01, then apologizing and asking him to reply at 22:18, then calling him an asshole at 22:30. This is one of my greatest personal pet peeves so I’m not exactly feeling sympathy for her at not getting a text reply within an hour. Some of us take naps or go to the movies or do stuff that requires us to be away from our phones for an hour. 

I’ve been wondering why Julie chose to write Emma the way she did, because if you think about it, Isak could have had a female “love interest” who was really cool and smart and seemingly perfect for him, if not for the fact that he’s gay and can’t make himself be interested in her. If I had to guess, I’d guess Emma is characterized like this because someone more mature or level-headed might be able to pick up on the massive hints that he isn’t into her, or in any case might not be so doggedly persistent in getting Isak’s attention. Instead, she’s beautiful and sweet enough, if ignorant in certain aspects, but she’s not someone Isak can just shake off by being distant. He has to deal with the consequences of flirting with her when he doesn’t mean it, because she won’t just go away if he ignores her. 

Additionally, I guess having a “love interest” like her only make it more obvious how right Even is for Isak, not just in the sense of Even being a boy but being someone with whom he forms a natural connection. Isak with Emma acts fake, Isak with Even acts real.

I’m not trying to hate on Emma, by the way; I know there’s an ugly side of fandom that can OTT bash her or Sonja not for their actual flaws but for existing. With Emma it’s complicated because she does do some shitty stuff later on that is legitimately worthy of criticism. Ultimately I think she doesn’t come off as well as someone like Sonja, or even Ingrid or Iben in S1, who are similarly minor characters causing problems for our POV character, but at this point in the story I still had plenty of sympathy for her. Isak is being unfair to her.

Mahdi calls Isak a traitor as he sits down and goes in on him for cancelling the party. It’s not really a surprise that Isak ended up snapping at him later in the season - obviously I love the boy squad and things worked out well and they became an adorable friendship crew, but these two clashed a lot in the first part of S3. To be fair to Mahdi, Isak has in the space of two episodes lost the group’s weed and randomly cancelled a pre-party by lying to everyone involved. Not good bro behavior. 

More to add to my theory that they’re relatively new friends and Mahdi is in this group via Jonas: he has no idea about Isak’s mom situation. I can’t remember if Magnus knows - I don’t remember him talking about it although “Magnus” has known Isak for a while if you count David’s early appearances. But even if you assume Isak is holding back on the specific details, Mahdi doesn’t seem to know that there’s anything unusual about what’s going on with his mom.

Isak is lying here again by mentioning his mom but it’s at least a convincing lie for once. He knows that Jonas will realize the seriousness of what he’s implying, and he also probably won’t press him too hard about the situation. It’s a little shitty that he uses the very serious issue of his mom’s illness - something that Jonas has helped Isak deal with firsthand - as a cover story for the real reason he bailed on Friday. But Isak’s mom is also a constant source of stress and worry for him so there is some truth in it.

Nice acting from Marlon when Jonas’ face changes as soon as Isak mentions his mom. Jonas being so protective and concerned for Isak = 💛💛💛

Mahdi of course doesn’t get it, because moms being stressed is just a thing moms do, they get upset because the kids made a mess or the car broke down or the dog dug a hole in the couch. “Stress” implies something far more mundane than the real situation with Isak’s mom.

Jonas asks simply how Isak’s mother is doing, nothing more, and Mahdi then manages to pick up from Isak’s expression and a serious shared look with Jonas that more is happening with Isak than he realizes. It’s noted in the script that he realizes here. So he drops the argument and tells Isak to just arrange a new pre-party. Case closed, as Jonas and Mahdi say!

Of course, you can tell from Isak’s expression that the case is not closed. First of all, he’s still lying to his friends. Second, how is he going to get a new pre-drink arranged with those girls when Emma is pissed off at him? Third, arranging a new pre-drink will not solve Isak’s rather large problem of not wanting to drink with Emma because he is not interested in her in the slightest.

There’s an IG post from Isak of the boys playing video games the next day, so things were chill again pretty quick.

Clip 2 - The Gay Test

This clip takes place on Mandag, 3:03, for anyone who wants to keep track of the repeating numbers.

Man, this fucking scene. This is bleak.

We start with Isak staring at the ceiling, just staring. You can imagine the million things that are on his mind. He reaches over for his phone and we get one of those biblical texts from his mom. Not as apocalyptic as usual, but still one more thing to cause him “stress” to borrow a euphemism. All these texts are both reminders that not only his mom is struggling with mental illness, she might not accept him if she knew certain facts about him. Facts which are heavily on his mind as of late.

Also, I guess Isak just sleeps in his underwear since we see it happen a few times, but the fact that he’s not dressed works for this being a very stripped down sort of scene, where Isak gets down to the heart of the matter on his laptop. Confronting ideas about his own sexuality directly even if he’s just typing them into a search engine. 

This whole clip is the definition of show, don’t tell, and Tarjei does such excellent acting here, especially considering that he’s using a pretty limited range of facial expressions and body language. Which makes sense, to be clear - he’s alone in his room at 3:03, he doesn’t need to be projecting his feelings to other characters or overreacting. But despite the fact that he’s not asked to go through a huge range here, man does this kid get across everything you need to know about what’s running through Isak’s mind. In fact the stillness works in his favor here, emphasizing his dead-inside, hopeless stare.

His acting carries this scene when there’s no voice-over or exposition to walk us through what’s happening. For instance, when Isak looks at Emma’s picture on Facebook, there’s no explanation, but we understand. He’s trying to see if he feels anything toward it, any attraction at all. He’s probably trying to make himself feel some attraction. 

We don’t actually see the search that led to him finding the gay test, but you can probably assume it was something like how to know if you’re gay or am I gay or something like that. But it might have been interesting to see exactly how he phrased it, to note the level of detachment or certainty in the phrasing.

This fucking test. A real test, by the way! The scripts have the links for the websites Isak visits in this clip, so Julie did her research. This scene was written around the existence of this crap. Did she get advised by RL gay people about the “empty closets” website while talking to members of the LGBT community for this season? Did she just Google “am I gay” and “how to get turned on by girls if you are gay” in order to find some appropriate links?

I was reluctant to give that website hits, but I did want to see exactly what the rest of the questions were, so I went through the test. 

The quiz is 20 questions and they’re all about personal grooming and style habits, gay-friendly pop culture, and avoidance of emotions. Nowhere in this quiz to determine whether someone is gay does it ask questions like “Are you attracted to men?” “Do you want to have sex with men?” “Do you fall in love with men?” Anything that has to with the actual definition of being a gay man. It is all about the stereotypes of having a “gay” personality.

Not only is this quiz is very stupid (obviously), but it also covers a very narrow perspective of what it means to be gay. A lot of the questions assume a middle- or upper-middle-class lifestyle and a selective pool of interests. It’s also an American-centric quiz and one that seems rather dated. There’s one question about who won season 1 of Project Runway - a season that aired in 2004, when Isak was five years old. How can this possibly be an accurate judge of Isak’s sexuality? But for a vulnerable teenager, it doesn’t matter that the test is ludicrous. It’s just reinforcing his worst fears of what a gay man has to be, muddling his perception of who he is. Because on the one hand, if this is what a gay man is, then Isak can’t be gay. He’s not one of those gay guys. But on the other hand, he still feels like he has to distance himself from these ideas of what gay is so he’s not seen that way. It’s all very messy. 

This part is specifically mentioned in the script: Isak hovers over the time travel question, seeming like he’s going to choose Moulin Rouge but picking Woodstock, the less “gay’ seeming option. Trying not to get too high of a score on the quiz. It’s very depressing that he needs to monitor himself like this - I mean, this is a dumbass online quiz and he’s taking it alone at night! Who cares? Sometimes I take Buzzfeed quizzes like “Design a taco and we’ll tell you what tropical fish you are” but does it tell me anything about myself if it says I’m a suckermouth catfish? No. Really he just doesn’t want this insignificant test to confirm something he already fears about himself.

Also we never see him watch any Baz Luhrmann films other than Romeo + Juliet, but I wonder if he watched Moulin Rouge and that sparked his interest in almost picking that option. Baz Luhrmann’s filmography isn’t that large; he’s directed the Red Curtain Trilogy (Strictly Ballroom, R+J, and Moulin Rouge), Australia, and The Great Gatsby, plus the pilot of The Get Down. You could watch all of his movies in a weekend. I know Isak is pretty upset and about to get focused on being “straight” but he had time to research and listen to Nas’ discography sometime this week, so it’s not unreasonable he also checked out other Baz films.

(Only three of those five films are tragedies, by the way! If Isak had stumbled upon Strictly Ballroom, perhaps this season would have turned out differently.)

If he watched Moulin Rouge, by that way, that might add some extra hesitation over the question. A reminder of Even, a reminder of these feelings that are causing him so much pain.

He’s 20% gay, which by this test’s standards is not very gay,  but probably too gay for his liking. 

how to get turned on by girls if you are gay -  I think it’s the “if you are gay” bit that makes this particularly depressing, because Isak knows what he is. He might be taking The Gay Test but really he knows he is gay. This isn’t really about him struggling with feelings for a guy for the first time and figuring out what that means about himself. This season isn’t about Isak realizing that he is gay. He’s known for a while; he’s likely known since he had a crush on Jonas, at least. It’s just that this time with Even, these feelings are coming to the forefront; this time, he almost found himself in a situation where a guy liked him back, and that leaves him with a different range of options than crushing on a straight dude where it’s “safe” in the sense that it’ll never happen. If a guy likes him back, it’s more dangerous, because something can happen. This Google search is about Isak trying to find out how to force a heterosexual side from himself despite knowing it’s fake.

In the script he does a search for “how to get turned on by girls if you are 22% gay” which I’m guessing they changed either to get the right search results on screen or because that phrasing is kind of humorous despite the topic, and it’s at odds with the serious tone of Isak’s struggle here.

Actually, I take it back. You know what is the most depressing about this part? That these are all real forums and posts from closeted gay people. Not fake websites made up for the show, as you would see in most television series. Real comments from real gay guys, talking about how to force themselves to get aroused by women. 

“I get drunk and try to focus on what is attractive about the girl. Works for me.” A real person wrote that.

I wasn’t watching this in real time yet, and I actually saw the pre-drink clip before I saw this one so I wasn’t worried about the pre-drink ending in Isak sleeping with a girl, but I can imagine a sense of foreboding from this clip? Particularly with the focus on the advice about sleeping with a girl. I can definitely imagine that it’d seem like Isak was about to make himself have sex with Emma (or another girl). I am so, so glad that Julie didn’t put Isak through that. It’s depressing enough to see him just think about it.

Clip 3 - Damage control, part 2

Ahhh, it’s the first appearance of Isak’s locker! Things are spilling out of it, he has a hard time cramming his belongings inside and keeping it shut.

So to translate the metaphor of Isak’s locker of self-acceptance: Isak knows he is gay, he has spent the past week indulging in his attraction to Even, and now he’s going to force all those feelings back inside no matter what it takes.

Also, in the script, the locker is able to be closed once Isak says he won’t host the party, so he’s closing it by turning down this opportunity to potentially hang with Even - the whole reason he got roped into hosting in the first place by asking if there would be more kosegruppa meetings.

Lmao, Isak seems incredibly stressed out by his locker, like Tarjei is breathing heavily and he has these wild eyes at the end when he turns back to Vilde. Keeping his locker shut sure must take a toll on him.

Isak blames other people for not being able to host the party instead of owning up to the real reason, which of course he would never admit out loud. He wanted to know if there would be more kosegruppa meetings, in case Even would come, but now Even is the last thing he wants to think about. With this party, Even might not only show up, but could bring his beautiful girlfriend along.

Oh, Isak. Before you told this lie, you should have counted on Eskild having contacts with Noora’s social circle. Eskild, not want to host a party? Please.

He then pins it on Linn which is at least a more believable lie. Linn is the one who asks her roommates to keep it down and wants to stay home and chill. But Vilde makes the point that Linn is depressed and doesn’t want to do anything, and it’s their job to make sure she does stuff. Which is actually very astute of Vilde. Speaking as someone who has dealt with depression, people can definitely go overboard in trying to help. Like everything, there’s a balance: you should respect the wishes of someone with depression and not think you know better than they do about how to handle their mental illness. But it’s also good to have people who want to check in on you and pull you out of your shell. Not to mention, you know, this is additional foreshadowing for the importance of mental health issues this season. 

Also let’s note that Vilde knows this probably because of her mom’s own issues, that she realizes she needs to give her mom a push sometimes. Sure, she really wants Isak to host that party. But she’s also speaking from experience. (The execution of Magnus/Vilde is annoying but in the bare bones of them, they’re both naive/silly characters who are harder to take seriously on a surface level but have a lot of hidden wisdom and maturity about certain issues.)

But Vilde also thought Even was a psychopath so she’s not perfect about mental illness, either. 

There’s a gifset of Vilde talking during this scene juxtaposed with Isak staring at her blankly and it’s one of my favorite gifsets ever. 

I will never stop laughing about how Isak just gives in to whatever Vilde asks of him.

Vilde texts him afterwards about the party and he gives one-word answers that are about as enthusiastic as his texts to Emma.

It’s freaky how much Isak is able to switch on his cool straight guy persona. Just a minute ago he was all frazzled by a battle with his locker and then losing a battle about hosting the party to Vilde, and now he’s going to be all Smooth Charming Totally Digs Girls Isak.

Lol, I’ll say this, it’s a pretty good transformation. Once he gets going I don’t see any cracks in the facade even knowing that he’s struggling internally. 

Even in his apology where he calls himself an asshole, he manages to neg her, kinda. Or whatever you’d call it with that little twist at the end implying he’s got another “cute girl” and Emma. It’s a joke but damn, fake Isak is such a little shit.

I didn’t really notice before but Isak is a little similar to Even here, getting Emma to loosen up by his big talk and charm, kind of like how Even breaks through to Isak with his story about Sonja’s aluminum leg later on. Though Isak is using a truthful story to move forward with his fake interest in Emma, and Even uses a false story to move forward with his real interest in Isak.

This clip ends on such a superficially lighthearted note but it doesn’t make you feel good. Instead it creates this sensation of dread.

This scene is so frustrating because like … Isak could have let this thing with Emma die after he canceled on her pre-drink. Sure, he would have had a first-year girl who didn’t like him, but big deal, in the scheme of things. Or he could have just apologized to her with no flirtation, been upfront about not wanting to take this thing with them further. But he creates an additional problem here by stoking Emma’s interest again. You can see this crashing and burning from a mile away.

Clip 4 - Hello dance chicks

This dance routine goes on too long, lmao, like this lasts more than a minute. Which, to be fair, is probably how it feels when you’re a closeted gay boy having to look at dancing girls because your friends like the view. But it’s also kinda like someone on the crew was like, “Hey Julie, would it be cool if we showcase my cousin and her dance team in this clip?” and Julie was too polite to say no. (This is not actually what I think happened, for the record.)

As noted in the script, this is another instance of Isak trying to make himself feel something, some bit of attraction to these physically fit, tightly-clothed girls, but all he can get out of it is fixation on weird details like the size of one girl’s hands. 

“Did he have to be so gay?” Isak, no. Don’t do this.

This is a direct consequence of crap like “the gay test” that fixates on stereotypes and maintaining a masculine image. It’s really sad that we see Isak try to promote this stuff when he’s raw with insecurity over it.

Also, dude, legit no one in your squad cares about whether that guy is gay. They’re all preoccupied with salivating over girls in activewear.

Later on in the episode we’ll hear Even criticize the act of making generalizations against gay people, something that Isak himself is doing here: generalizing that people who act like that must be gay and generalizing that people who are gay act like that. Like Emma claiming that her generalization isn’t a problem because it’s not negative, Isak tries to defend his comment once Jonas calls him on it by saying that he’s not “dissing” him but merely pointing out a fact. A very weak argument when the comment starts with Isak complaining about the guy being too gay.

Shoutout to Marlon’s utterly baffled face when Isak pulls this shit out of nowhere. It is very ironic that Jonas did encourage some of Isak’s insecurity in S1 with his comments about gay songs and going along with OG Elias’ gay jokes, but now Jonas seems to have matured beyond that behavior between seasons, and Isak, the actual gay guy, is the one left behind, struggling with internalized homophobia. 

Also, whether or not Jonas suspects Isak is gay at all at this point, it’s good that he called out his friend for saying some offensive crap. A lot of guys would laugh along or let the comment pass unchecked. S1 Jonas didn’t call out Elias and even acted like Isak was unreasonable for being upset. S3 Jonas is one hell of an upgrade on that front.

Lol, if you didn’t like Jonas in S1, S3 is his redemption arc. I was biased because I came into S1 having seen part of S3, so I knew Jonas was going to turn out to be an awesome dude. But it is really striking how the alternating POV structure can reveal different sides to characters, and Jonas is one of the characters with possibly the biggest differences revealed. Eva’s season shows Jonas at his worst; Isak’s season shows Jonas at his best. Some of that is definitely getting a year between them to account for Jonas’ increased maturity, and some of it is just being able to know Jonas in the context of a romantic relationship vs. in the context of a friendship.

Jonas mentions that Isak has been grouchy, because Jonas pays attention to his best bro’s well-being, because he cares!! So damn much!!

Mahdi is still checking out the girls and not paying a lick of attention to this Isak-Jonas argument when Even walks up, by the way. 

GODDAMMIT HENRIK, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO TALL

It burns me up inside that Even was wearing the snapback before he throws it to Isak and we didn’t get to see it. Because Henrik is a long, long man. Well, mostly because Julie shot it at that angle.

On the other hand, the angle works really well to create more tension in the scene. Even is towering over Isak and the other boys. His presence is sudden and big. He’s the looming problem that Isak can’t ignore. Isak is sitting down, off-guard. Not only is Even suddenly dominating this moment that was between Isak and his friends, he and Isak are literally not on the same level, both physically and in their interaction. As helpfully pointed out in the script, “Isak doesn’t understand shit about what just happened.”

In the script, Even not only is wearing the snapback, but he sticks it on Isak when he returns it, and like, I can see why that might be considered too much (and Isak immediately panics and takes it off in the script) but god DAMN do I want to see footage where they tried it this way. 

Lmao, so did Even know where to find Isak? Or was he wandering around the school with Isak’s hat, hoping to run into him? Or wearing it just because he liked having Isak’s hat on his head?

How much do you want to bet that Isak left the snapback behind because he was desperate to get out of Even’s apartment and away from the Even/Sonja makeout session as fast as possible? 

Even, on the other hand, was probably glad to have the hat as an excuse to talk to Isak again.

This scene could have gone very differently had Even found Isak alone instead of with the boy squad. Or, looking at it another way, did Even intentionally approach Isak when he wasn’t alone in order to nullify some of the tension from the situation? Because, even apart from Sonja’s appearance, there was some serious chemistry happening on Friday, I’m sure Even fell harder for Isak than he’d even expected. But his relationship with Sonja hangs between them. Maybe he thought having other people there would make the vibe less fraught. You underestimated how much Isak does not want his bros to know, Even. 

The way the atmosphere changes when Even walks in … you can feel Isak’s blood freeze. He just watches Even toss the snapback to him with no effort to catch it because he’s too shocked by what’s happening. He’s so panicked he can come up with absolutely no lies to salvage this situation.

Even is bouncing a little after he approaches Isak, which seems to be a nervous gesture for him. He might seem like the cool confident dude, and sure, Even is often confident and makes the first moves in his pursuit of Isak. But he’s also got a lot of deep-rooted vulnerability. If something happens with Isak … it’ll mean he has to end things with Sonja, a person who has seen Even at his lowest points and still accepts him, cutting off a relationship that has been a source of stability and support despite its serious flaws. And it’ll mean taking a chance on a new person who might not be so okay with the parts of himself Even hates the most.

Even, bless him, reads the tense situation without Isak saying anything. Even though they’re not on the same page, Even can at least tell that Isak is hiding something from his friends. This is one of those early moments that made me really like him - how easily and quickly he can read the room and especially what Isak is feeling, and can act quickly to help him out, similar to how Even handles Emma wanting to pair off with Isak at kosegruppa. He’s a very perceptive person. And he throws out a lie for Isak very casually and shrugs it off and walks away.

Isak is very confused by this encounter, and with scenes where Isak has no idea what’s happened I like to consider Even’s unseen side of the story (to be fair, I like to consider that for ... pretty much all scenes). So I’m trying to imagine what Even wanted or expected from this moment. This is the first scene where he’s interacting with Isak after a life-changing Friday afternoon where they got to know each other and fell hard for each other. That meeting ended with Even’s long-term girlfriend came by, bringing a cold dose of reality to this magical afternoon. So what does Even think will happen when he finds Isak again? What does he hope will happen?

I think from Even’s POV, this certainly wasn’t what he wanted to happen the next time he spoke to Isak. Isak was very clearly not happy with Even’s presence in that moment, which is never a great feeling. But if Even turned this moment over in his head - what was that all about? - he would have to consider that Isak was hiding something from his friends, specifically that he hung out with Even on Friday. So why didn’t Isak want to tell them? What’s so objectionable about two guys randomly hanging out and smoking weed together? Because if there wasn’t anything to hide, why couldn’t Isak just say, “Oh, thanks for returning my hat, hey guys, this is Even?” So then Even would run through the possibilities. Maybe Isak had other plans with these guys, and he bailed on them. But then why did he bail? Because he didn’t want to hang with them, or because he really wanted to hang with Even? Orrrrr …. Was there something else to that afternoon that Isak feels he can’t tell his friends about, and if so, what was that?

IDK, if I were in Even’s shoes, I would be analyzing the hell out of what just happened trying to pick out some meaning from it. And I think while I might be really hurt and disappointed in the moment, when I had been semi-rejected by Isak, if I thought about it further, I might feel a spark of hope over Isak’s reaction. Because maybe this feeling isn’t one-sided. Maybe that afternoon had more significance to Isak than just a fun hangout.

Of course this is all assuming Even is like me and obsesses over the little details of a confusing social interaction. He might have just thought, “Time to try again!” and started picking out the perfect outfit for Friday. We don’t get any clues between this scene and Even showing up at the party to tell us what he might have been thinking. 

The script makes it clear that Jonas remembers that Isak was wearing the snapback when they left the school on Friday, therefore realizing that Even was lying. Let’s applaud Jonas’ observational skills because tbh, I would not remember what hat my friends were wearing last week unless it was super out of the ordinary. I guess if one of them were borrowing my own hat I might mentally keep track of it? Still, Jonas is killing it this season with recognizing stuff’s up with Isak.

Isak and Jonas share clothes and I love it, by the way 💛💛💛

Isak calling Even “just some revue nerd from Vilde’s group” stings, man. I know he is obviously lying and Even is already so much more to him, but I’m glad Even wasn’t around to hear that. Like Isak dismissing Even that way is painful on Isak’s part, too. If only Even was “just some revue nerd” Isak wouldn’t be feeling like shit.

Honestly, bless Magnus for interrupting this miserable scenario with his weird-ass BDSM dreams. If ever there was a time where you needed your goofball friend to start talking about getting tied up and punished with a whip, this is it.

Some of Isak’s reaction to Magnus’ story seems like Tarjei laughing at his friend David delivering these ridiculous lines and some of it seems like he and Jonas can’t help but look at each other all are you hearing this shit and at one point it seems like Isak casts a look at Jonas as if to be like so are we done with the topic of gay people and my bad attitude and the revue nerd now? Are you distracted enough to forget it for now? Are we cool?

That whole moment with Even happened so quickly, you know that it was one of those incidents that goes by fast and is hard to process while it’s occurring. But as we later learn, it stuck with Jonas for a while.

So far, Isak has lied or taken part in a lie in every single clip this week: his mom’s “stress,” the gay test (lying to himself or trying to figure out how to live a lie), lying to Vilde about why he can’t host the party, lying to Jonas about who Even is and when Even got his snapback.

Clip 5 - Neon pre-game

This was the first Skam clip I ever saw!

The clip popped up in my recommendations on YouTube, and I was pulling an Isak and messing around on my laptop late at night, so I decided to watch. I fully expected to watch for a minute and then switch to something else, but no, this one clip had me hooked.

I know this is just like, a fun party theme where all the kids can get dressed up in wacky wigs and bright colors, but I think there’s something to both this scene and the 21:21 clip in the next episode that the setting is out of the ordinary and that allows the flirtation between Isak and Even to escalate.  In this clip, it’s a party, the lights are turned down, everyone’s dressed unusually. Things are already out of the norm. It’s because things aren’t ordinary that this situation with Isak and Even can be pushed a little farther. It’s when the lights are low and everyone’s dancing with painted faces that Isak and Even can lock eyes while they’re kissing girls because it’s something off from their usual reality. When the lights come up and the music’s off and everyone’s grabbing their coats to leave and go back into the rest of the world, breaking the spell, and Even levels that stare at Isak - that’s too real, that makes Isak look away. But it’s that slightly surreal, slightly dreamy vibe that allows for Isak and Even to take a step forward.

I love seeing Linn dressed up and socializing! Vilde was right, she needed a push.

Chris is here, but not Kasper, which is probably just due to actor availability since he’s mentioned in the script. It would have been nice to get some more insight into that relationship and especially what ended it, since we get so little of Chris’ inner life. I mean, Vilde/Magnus is also a “joke” relationship in a lot of respects and we still got more of a clue of why they might have something genuine besides a shared interest in TMI.

The script had Jonas calling Isak and Isak presumably ignoring him, a detail that is left out of the final clip. Jonas does mention that he tried to call Isak in a clip next episode, though.

Notice we open the dialogue with Isak asking Emma what music she likes, aka the question that Even asked him on Friday. Which is a common enough icebreaker, but I don’t think these facts are unrelated! Like I realize Isak has dating experience but really Isak takes a lot of cues from Even in navigating a real romantic relationship, little things that come up later on. And also, as much as Isak might be trying to be straight, trying to make it work with Emma, his mind is clearly drifting back to that afternoon with Even. How right it must have felt compared to this thing with Emma or with other girls, and how, maybe without even thinking about it much, he’s referring back to his interaction to Even as a model of how to flirt.

Lmao I mean, Justin Bieber ain’t my favorite musical artist either, but I feel like Isak’s reaction to Emma being a fan is so typical of dudes. I will give Emma some credit, she laughs off his teasing and doesn’t get too insecure about his comments, at least not visibly. And when he asks her about ‘90s hip-hop she admits she doesn’t know much about it instead of pretending to (ISAK).

Isak also sounds like a typical dude when talking about his musical tastes to Emma. However, Isak suddenly being an expert on Nas is the funniest shit ever. Emma, let me tell you all about the greatest musical artist ever, who I learned about a week ago! Tarjei plays this moment really well because I kinda cringed and I also laughed really hard.

It also shows that, even with Isak taking gay tests and trying to flirt with Emma this week, he found time to research and listen to Nas, someone important to Even.

In the script Vilde throws herself at Even into a hug when he enters and then it’s mentioned that “Vilde awkwardly greets Sonja,” which is kind of a random detail. I guess the awkwardness comes from Vilde launching herself too enthusiastically into a hug at Even in front of his girlfriend? Was Vilde supposed to be kinda thirsty for Even, thinking he was a single dude and wanting to get with someone (out of jealousy at her friends hooking up)?

The script also has Isak deliberately ignore Even when he tries to say hi, which wouldn’t have worked with the positioning of the actors in this scene, but it’s obviously colder than what we get here.

Looking ahead to S4, I’m still on the fence about how much Julie really thought about the Sana-Even connection - there are things that make me think she did plan it to a degree, there are things that seem retconned - but I’ve never thought this moment of Sonja introducing herself to Sana has to be a big inconsistency with Even and Sana knowing each other. All he had to do was tell Sonja beforehand that Sana would be at the party and that he didn’t want to call attention to the fact that they knew each other before he went to Nissen, and she probably would have agreed to play along like they were strangers.

I think Emma placed Isak’s hand on her boob because he momentarily stopped paying attention to her by looking at Even. But I don’t think she realized why he stopped paying attention to her.

Emma: “My bra will be bothering me until I can TAKE IT OFF I mean just a suggestion really it’d be so welcome to get out of it ha ha ha.”

I was going to laugh and say Isak could not look less interested in touching Emma’s boob but then I took another look at Tarjei’s face and remembered that Isak is supposed to be forcing himself to be turned on by girls, and mentally he was probably thinking okay, here’s your chance, focus and suddenly it got a lot less funny.

Jesus Lord, that look Even sends Isak from across the room while draping his jacket over his shoulder. While clad in that tight white T-shirt. He means business. No mystery at all why Isak takes that moment to gulp down his beer and start making out with Emma. This is certainly a challenge Isak is undertaking for himself, trying to be straight, but it’s also a fuck-you to Even (and not in the way Even wants). Hey Even, we flirt all afternoon and then your girlfriend comes in? Then you bring her to my apartment and give me that look across the room? Well, fuck you, I’m not dealing with your mixed signals now.

There is such a clear difference between when Isak makes out with girls versus when he kisses Even. With Emma here (and with Sara in S2) you can see how calculated it is; the way Isak rubs his hands over her back, the way he tilts his head in a coordinated way, the length of the kisses. It feels entirely like a performance with those girls, like there’s something cerebral about it, his mind is working on how to make it seem real from the outside. When Isak eventually kisses Even, it just seems like he’s … not thinking. Or maybe he’s thinking, but not because he’s trying to perform. With Even, Isak just wants to kiss him. He’s not worried about making it look good, he’s concentrated on how good it feels, and he’s just reacting on instinct with what his body wants. 

I would pay to see a version of this scene where Even plops down on the sofa and Emma is like, “Endre, Isak was just telling me about Nas, he says he made the best album of all time!”

Also, it wouldn’t have worked with Isak’s POV, but don’t you wish we could have seen Even’s face when he noticed Isak had his hand on Emma’s boob, and especially when Isak broke their loaded eye contact to make out with Emma? Like can you imagine on Even’s end, when he’s kind of still in that conversational bubble with Sonja and Vilde, how he burst out of it? OK GOTTA BLAST BYEEEEEEE

And then he launches across the room like he’s auditioning for The Flash.

“I’m starting to think you’re bonding too much” Subtle, Even.

“I thought we were a team?” SUBTLE.

Even does do an admirable job of trying to seem cheerful and not possessive or jealous, but you can see him deflate a little once he shakes Isak’s shoulder and compliments his apartment and Isak is just not having it, and meanwhile Emma gets to lean in to Isak taking advantage of that proximity. 

Lmao, can you imagine if these three actually attempted to bake bread or whatever for kosegruppa? All the passive-aggressiveness and competing for Isak’s attention, and Isak wanting to sink into the floor? I’ll say it again, I will never not feel a little cheated that we didn’t get more actual kosegruppa shenanigans.

It’s kinda funny that Emma is raving about Eskild considering they could have met only like an hour or so ago. And already she’s like “HE’S GAY, LIFE OF THE PARTY!”

Shout out to Eskild, Linn, and Chris’ dancing though. Loves of my life right there.

Even is honestly a very nice person, I think kindness is one of his defining qualities, but man, he does not care for Emma. Though even when he’s calling her out on her generalizing about gay people, he’s not being excessively rude to her? He’s not calling her homophobic or ignorant or anything, he’s just challenging her and explaining to her why it’s offensive. And he’s justified in doing so anyway, it’s not like he targeted her over something stupid. What she’s saying affects him as a pansexual person.

Actually, Emma harboring generalizations about gay people is perhaps part of why she didn’t consider that the boy turning down a blowjob from her and giving her mixed messages might be gay. He’s not ~hilarious and fitting into her ideas about gay people. To be clear, I’m not trying to put all the blame on her, because Isak is also randomly making out with her and encouraging her crush on him, too. But she’s just got a limited view of gay people and their experiences, as evidenced by other stuff later in the season.

Man, the way Isak’s head turns when Even calls Emma out on using superficial generalizations. This conversation is just what he needed to hear at this moment. That his paranoia over stuff like the gay test, his criticisms of the dance instructor for seeming too gay, all of that crap, are wrong. They’re inaccurate. Just because he likes guys does not mean Isak has to be this way or that way. That he can be an individual rather than having to cram himself into boxes that don’t fit. That if he identifies as gay, it doesn’t mean that everyone can sum up his existence by that one adjective. And he’s hearing it from exactly the best person who could say it at this moment: the guy he likes. Imagine what a relief it is to know not only that Even doesn’t buy into this bullshit, but also that he will vocally speak out against it. And you know that Isak is also wondering more about whether Even is not straight based on this conversation because it sounds like Even has given this topic a lot of thought.

Also when Emma is objecting to Even’s comments, she turns back to Isak, maybe for reinforcement, or maybe because she doesn’t want to lose an argument in front of him, and he quickly lowers his gaze, because he doesn’t want to seem too interested in what Even is saying. But of course Isak is intensely interested. Emma isn’t even quite in focus in some of these shots. It’s all Isak zeroing in on Even’s perspective.

Even also uses the “All Muslims are terrorists” example as a comparison, and it was one of the moments that people took as potential evidence that Even had an interest in Islam and possibly knew Sana. After S4, we know that this example is personal to him because his best friends were Muslims and experienced the harm from those generalizations.

Additionally, if you consider that Even had a suicidal episode prior to this season that had something to do with shame over liking boys, this is quite a bit of self-reflection to have gained in the meantime. I’m not sure we ever learn exactly when Even’s suicide attempt took place (like what month and exactly how much school he missed)? But in the period between the suicide attempt and S3, Even appeared to have gained a lot of acceptance about his sexuality.

As I said above, this is the first Skam clip I ever saw, and this moment right here, with Even and Emma talking on the couch, was the one that really grabbed my attention. I was impressed with this part because it seemed to have more nuance and maturity than a lot of similar takes on homophobia - I feel like a lot of shows sometimes still don’t get that positive generalizations are still generalizations? And I definitely feel like many shows’ characters wouldn’t have a discussion about it. 

And for what it’s worth, I really liked Even after this exchange and it’s one of many moments that made it harder for me to think that he was two-timing or using Isak. This seemed very genuine and thoughtful, and like he was someone who had strong investment in the topic. 

Not to drag Emma too much again, but her calling this conversation “boring” is something that makes me, well, less than fond of her. In fact I find her calling this conversation boring and flouncing away a lot worse than making a generalization about gay people in the first place. Because people do say offensive things out of ignorance; Isak certainly says his fair share of crap regarding gay people this season. But people can also be educated about these points. For instance, Isak takes Eskild’s Pride speech seriously. It’s that Emma doesn’t take Even’s comments seriously that’s bad. That she doesn’t want to confront that she may be perpetuating harmful ideas. I don’t expect her to fall over herself apologizing but this conversation has not permeated her brain at all. This isn’t a “boring” conversation to Isak, who is gay, and who needs this conversation at the moment. The fact that Emma can call it boring and walk away is some massive straight privilege. I don’t want to demonize her too much because she is only like 16, but yeah, girl is very ignorant about LGBT issues. 

HERE WE GO, ANOTHER ICONIC S3 MOMENT.

I never really noticed but at the beginning of Call Your Girlfriend, when we’re watching Isak bop along (adorably), you can see Even’s neon bandanna at the side of the frame, out of focus. It reminds me a lot of shots where we are firmly in Isak’s POV, such as in the Talk Show Host courtyard walk, where part of Isak’s head is at the side of the frame out of focus, almost like we’re watching over his shoulder, or directly seeing through his eyes. So this moment in Call Your Girlfriend, whether intentional or not, almost seems like we’re watching through Even’s eyes as he looks at Isak dancing. It doesn’t work perfectly, since Isak eventually looks off to the side at Even (and not at the camera) but I like to think of Even watching Isak as he danced with Emma, turning back to Sonja a moment before Isak looked over at Even.

So I love the Evak nose rubs as much as anyone, that’s their special thing, but Even does it here to Sonja as they’re dancing. My headcanon is going to be that Isak saw this and deliberately instigated it with Even in the bed scene as a way of making it theirs. I really think Isak takes a lot of cues from Even, as mentioned earlier, more than he realizes consciously.

Also, while I think Even making out with Sonja at the end of S2 was for Sonja’s benefit, in this scene I think a lot of the Even/Sonja making out is a performance for Isak. Which is not really fair to Sonja, but well, there you go. Even saw Isak making out with Emma, he suspects it was for show (if nothing else he knows Isak was not enthused to be in a kosegruppa group with Emma and so his interest probably isn’t genuine), and this is his way of saying two can play that game.

never 4get the iconic script line by Julie in reference to Isak’s dancing, “lol Tarjei”

THIS SONG, by the way. This song is a jam anyway but talk about those completely on-point lyrics.

This is one of those diegetic music moments where the characters are listening to the music inside the scene. What makes it work so damn well is because Even knows this song and is deliberately making eye contact with Isak at the most apropos lyrics. You can’t tell me otherwise. It’s not just the soundtrack coincidentally happening to sync up and be lyrically relevant for the viewers, it’s the song syncing up within the scene itself, at the party - that would be loaded enough, but Even is also putting on a show for Isak here. There’s a reason he turns Sonja in place and looks at Isak exactly at the line “and now it’s gonna be me and you.” Yeah, I know I’m with her, Isak, and I know you’re with her, but I feel you looking at me, and I’m gonna look back. 

I mean Even, Gabrielle’s #1 fan, knows how to communicate meaningfully via pop songs to the object of his affection.

Possibly my favorite part is right after that scorching eye contact, when you can see Isak has just been struck to the core by Even looking at him, and then he closes his eyes and goes back to kissing Emma. Because you know he’s imagining he’s kissing someone else.

I feel bad for Sonja and Emma here but at least they remained happily oblivious to the boys eye-fucking each other across the room while making out with them. 

There’s not enough Eva in this season so let’s appreciate how gosh darn cute she is with her yellow hair bow.

Also Sana is so precious with her face paint and dimples!

How did Isak not burst into flames when Even looked across the room at him like that? The most smoldering look of the clip, for my money. That is the gaze of a man who knows what (who) he wants and is not shy to show it. Also note Isak quickly looking away and then “surreptitiously” back to Even a moment later, when Even has looked away and is deciding to play it more cool.

Emma touches Sonja’s teeth which is kind of weird, although Sonja does have very nice teeth! But I mean, even my close friends probably wouldn’t just touch my teeth for fun, let alone someone I just met. I assume this was something to do with the blacklight? Sonja’s teeth were very bright in the dark? Or else Emma is interested in amateur dentistry.

Lmao when Emma suggests Isak take a taxi with her, Sonja, and Even, you can imagine that is the absolute last scenario Isak would enjoy right now, Emma trying to get into his pants and Even mentally undressing him while Sonja is right there.

Here we goooooooo with another memorable Evak kitchen scene! Julie sure loves to have people flirt in kitchens, huh.

Guys, I got butterflies watching this scene. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it, but part of me is still like are they going to kiss????

“Didn’t you take a taxi with the others?” “I have a bike.” Lmao I don’t believe that.

I can FEEL the tension coming off the screen. Like I can imagine everything Isak is feeling here. The nerves, the attraction, the pull toward Even. Trying to fight it, trying to maintain some detachment.

You can imagine Isak’s heart beating so fast. SHIT Even is right here, in his personal space, they’re alone together.

Even asks about Isak having a good time with Emma - funny because we all know, and he knows, that Isak just made out with Emma while staring at Even. It’s a joke, an inquiry that would seem harmless except for the massive irony. Also not a joke because Even really is kind of jealous and Isak plays off his comment. No matter if they’re aware of this thing between them, Isak is still making out with someone other than Even and it stings.

The acting here is so so SO good. Isak is like “why are you telling me about this” when Even starts talking about Sonja, he’s cautious, he’s trying not to give himself away. Meanwhile Even is trying to find a way to break through to Isak. He’s trying to communicate that he doesn’t want to be with her, but that it’s complicated. And when Isak is not having it, he switches to making an outlandish joke about it. Both of them communicate these shifts so well with their microexpressions, body language, tone of voice, etc.

There’s so much delicious subtext in this scene! This is one of Skam’s strengths - we know what’s going on in this scene, they don’t need to spell it out for us with lots of straighforward expository dialogue because the strength of the acting, the pacing, and the carefully chosen dialogue tells us everything we need to know. On a very instinctive level, we can tell when Isak becomes more on edge or when he lowers his guard; we can tell when Even decides he needs to try a new tactic in getting through to Isak.

Even and Sonja’s relationship is pretty complex even if we don’t get many glimpses at it up close and personal - you have to take a lot of it in bits and pieces, based on what Even says, what Sonja says, what Isak sees. I think they really needed to break up whether or not Isak was in the picture, but the thing is, I can completely understand why Even feels he can’t break up with her. She’s the one who stood by him through his episodes, throughout a terrible point of his life, and he probably feels like he owes her or that it’s wrong to leave her after all that. Adding to that, she’s one of the most stable factors in his life - after losing his friends, having to change schools, having to repeat his final year, dealing with manic/depressive episodes, etc. And because Sonja calls the shots, she’s someone he can rely on. He’s used to her taking control and telling him what’s real and not real. He’s got so much insecurity about his mental illness and he’s used to Sonja for support, so you can imagine how it’d be hard to cut himself off from her judgment. How is he supposed to stand on his own? She’s his aluminum leg.

Again, Even thinking quickly on his feet, spinning this ridiculous yarn about Sonja’s aluminum leg. He really gets into it! And this dumb story does melt the tension so beautifully, so kudos to Even for being a giant weirdo.

That is a damn fine delivery by Tarjei on Isak’s confused “What?” Precious.

As has been analyzed many times, Even’s story about Sonja’s aluminum leg is not really about his girlfriend’s fake prosthetic limb. He’s talking about himself and his bipolar disorder. She’s doing a lot better now (Even is doing a lot better after his manic/depressive episodes at Elvebakken and his suicide attempt). She’s gotten a lot of help from physiotherapists (Even has presumably been to some mental health specialists. Although it would be nice to know this for certain! Something I always wanted more of - info on Even’s mental health treatment plan.) You can hardly see she limps (Even seems like a swaggering confident young man and at first glance you would not be able to see his mental health struggles or vulnerabilities).

Notice how Even moves in subtly closer to Isak after Isak’s clued in on the joke, and that the camera zooms in a bit as well, making us feel the distance closing. I think even Isak notices and needs a second to adjust (after Even says he could’ve joked about something way worse, he kind of sputters out a reply, which could be disbelief or could also be him taking a second to re-calibrate with Even RIGHT THERE OMG).

This is how you do on-screen chemistry. Tarjei and Henrik are really feeding off each other, responding to each other’s movements and eye contact, making this conversation seem natural.

Regarding Even’s comment about Sonja having a dick and that this would be way too far to joke about - I definitely get why this comment would bother people. I think part of the joke is that Even is quite fine with dick and “going too far” is ironic when Even keeps joking about dick and balls, including making a blowjob joke within seconds of his first conversation with Isak. Their reactions make it clear that talking about dick is a lot more charged when there’s all this sexual tension floating around in the kitchen. But the comment is somewhat jarring and is worded in an unfortunate way that’s close to common transphobic arguments.

Isak not being able to look at Even at this point slays me. He tries it for a second but quickly looks back down. Even is too close, Isak is too attracted to him, this tension between them is too thick, Even’s girlfriend is too much of an obstacle and it’s too hard to think about how Even can’t break up with her, and all his plans for this week about how to get turned on by Emma, how to act straight, are unraveling so fast because this thing with Even is too real. It’s too much.

And when Isak says Sonja’s name it’s palpable how much this situation upsets him. Sonja is very sweet and cute. She’s Even’s very nice girlfriend who he can’t dump. No matter if they’re flirting and there’s all this tension, she’s the elephant in the room. It’s like it’s the fact that Isak is clearly struggling and not even able to look at him that makes Even decide to kiss him, because he knows what it means. Show him it’s not about Sonja anymore. My heart hurts at how resolutely Isak keeps his head down, even when Even moves in for the kiss.

Can I just say I love the sound effects in this scene? Or rather, lack thereof? I think you can hear the door unlocking at one point, for Noora, but otherwise the silence, just their breathing, every inch they move, all of that is so perfect. Like this is all being laid bare, it’s hard to hide anymore when it’s just the two of them and there are no distractions.

I adore Julie’s bit in the script about Isak looking down at the hole in the sock. ADORE IT. I can completely see it even if it’s not physically shown on screen. I know it’s mostly to get Tarjei into Isak’s mindset but damn that bit is so perfect. 

Though this is the part in the season where I’m like, OK, Even should’ve broken up with Sonja. Even though I completely get why he doesn’t from a character perspective! The previous episodes contained this nebulous getting-to-know-you phase where I can accept Even still being with Sonja to a degree even if there is some emotional cheating going on, even if he’s deliberately trying to get close to Isak. But trying to kiss someone? That’s when you need to decide if you want to call it quits with your old partner or pursue this new person. Although again, I get why he wanted to be REALLY FUCKING CERTAIN before he broke up with her, considering it’s not easy to end this relationship and the last time he made a move on a boy, things did not end well.

Imagine being a Norwegian Skam fan and following S2 and being obsessed with Noora’s story which is this national phenomenon, and then S3 starts and Noora’s just gone, not only out of focus but gone, out of the damn country, and you miss her and want to see her again, and maybe you’re not really keen on this Isak kid but after a few episodes you’re warming up to him and his budding romance with Even is really cute and you hope they get together and then there’s this scene packed full of sexual tension and they’re about to finally kiss and it feels like ages even though it’s only been like three weeks and that is when some jackass interrupts this almost-kiss and you’re going to murder whoever did it and that is when you get your beloved Noora back. I mean. A+ trolling, Julie.

What did Even think of Noora, anyway, with that look he shoots Isak? Just a general “who is this and why is she preempting our makeouts” or is he wondering if she’s Isak’s ex or something?

I think so much about what happened right after this scene! How awkward was Even’s leaving? It seems from the next clip (at the start of episode 4) that they talked about hanging out the next day? I wonder if that was supposed to be a text message or something that didn’t make it into the social media updates. Did Even go home by himself, or did he go find Sonja and the others? I’m not sure if that’s clear from the texts. What would have happened if Noora came home like a minute later, after they’d kissed - would Even have broken up with Sonja immediately or 

I used to wonder when Isak got Even’s phone number. For a while I thought he had Even listed as “Even Kosegruppa” in his phone because he got his number at the first kosegruppa meeting - that seems pretty early in their relationship, but it’s also the only period of time where he didn’t know Even’s full name, and it would have made sense to call him “Even Kosegruppa” seeing that’s the only context he knew him at that point. But it did seem strange to me that they would have exchanged numbers but Isak wouldn’t be shown freaking out over this, or Even wouldn’t have “casually” contacted Isak. So now I’m thinking they only exchanged numbers after this party scene, when they were tentatively making plans to hang out the next day. Tbh I could totally see Even putting himself as “Even Kosegruppa” in Isak’s phone to be funny. Because clearly this connection between them has escalated and there’s a joke in suggesting that Isak needs to be reminded how he knows Even - oh yeah, that guy from kosegruppa - when they both know it’s more than that. And Isak would of course never change it.

The song over the credits (”Lite og Stort” by No. 4) is about finding your way back home, which is literally Noora’s situation right now. I think the lyrics are specifically about “home” meaning Norway as a country? I’m going off the English translation, though, feel free to correct if I’m missing something. 

Anyway this scene hooked me. I was blown away by their acting in the kitchen scene, I was floored by the level of chemistry. Despite not knowing anything that came before this scene, I needed to have these characters kiss! And I loved the pacing and the dialogue, how natural it all felt. I distinctly remember thinking. “Now this is the kind of television I like to watch.”

General Comments:

This week has one of my favorite uses of social media, the “If you don’t remember her name in the morning take her to Starbucks” picture. It went up after the clip with the dance chicks. Utterly perfect deployment, Isak posting that right when he’s concerned about seeming straight. All performative, all BS.  

Isak lies to the guys about the party, claiming he’s going home to chill and do washing. Magnus even mentions that there’s a revue party happening but Isak fails to mention that he’s hosting it.

Emma messages Isak after she’s left the pre-drink asking him where he is and later drunk texts him telling him he’s great and wanting to go over and be with him at like 3 a.m. Isak, you dug that hole yourself.

Isak asks Emma how everything went after the neon pre-drink and Emma is like, “Sonja is so cool!” and immediately Isak is all “I have to go now.” Sonja’s awesomeness is not something he wants to hear about in detail.

I didn’t realize but there’s an IG post from Magnus on Friday showing Mahdi hooking up with a girl and Magnus calling himself a third wheel. I didn’t remember Mahdi ever hooking up on screen with anyone so I mean, I’m glad he got some during the show?

I own exactly one Funko Pop (Brienne of Tarth) and I know this would never happen outside of my dreams but I would kill for some Skam Funkos, particularly of the last clip of this episode, with Even’s white T-shirt and neon bandanna and Isak’s pink paint streaks and Illuminati shirt. Complete with Noora for that special cock-blocking authenticity.

This is a total tangent, but I’ve been looking up Baz Luhrmann stuff for these recaps and did you know that there’s a Moulin Rouge stage musical that literally just premiered? As in, yesterday, July 10? Starring Aaron Tveit as Christian? I have left my middle school Moulin Rouge obsession out of these recaps but I’m wondering how a live musical version is going to work. There’s a ton of it that would translate fine but then I feel like a Moulin Rouge without Baz Luhrmann giving you motion sickness with his wild-ass editing and cinematography is missing that special something.