#there's also how i've basically decided the most female i feel ever is butch

[synonymroll648]

oooh genderfluidity?

yeah i went to prom and i did makeup which i'd loved the day before when practicing for the real thing, but when i did it i looked in the mirror and felt super dysphoric and washed it off as soon as my partner i wanted to impress saw it.

and then i was like 'hey babe what are the signs of being genderfluid' and they were like 'well i judge it by liking my boobs one day and wanting to rip them off the other' and i was like 'ohhhhh shit you were right back in january when i cut my hair and told you about it and you said what i was describing was just like your genderfluid awakening weren't you-'.

to which they were basically like 'dude you're only just figuring out you're genderfluid??' and uh. yeah. i'm not sure about being genderfluid yet but it would definitely explain some things

[theaquinn-misc]

A-spec Lesbian

I decided to make my own list of things that have helped me realized I'm gay. Disclaimer: I'm not the arbiter of what makes someone an aspec lesbian, however if you experience some or most of these it's something to consider. Disclaimer 2: I've also not had a lot of experience dating so I can't include much of that here. This post will be divided in 3 sections: Men, Women and NBs and media

Men:

only crushing on "unavailable" men: married, in a relationship, much older, gay, fictional, celebrities

"crushing" on men and enjoying fantasizing about them, but not trying to flirt or even get close to them in any way

"crushing on a man" for a set period of time and then and thinking he's the hottest thing since sliced bread, but later (especially after a physical separation) finding him meh or cringey

fantasies about men having more to do with being happy and fulfilled in life and being seen as someone to be jealous of, not so much about the specific person

having a crush/attraction to a man only for him to return it and you realize that you feel uncomfortable

meeting a guy who is conventionally attractive and meets all your standards and telling yourself you are attracted to him but still feeling a weird pressure in your stomach/chest because "something is missing"

liking a guy, until he changes something minor about his appearance (shaves, does his hair differently) and then finding him basic/meh and losing all attraction to him

never understanding what women see in the men they date or like in media, at least looks-wise

finding even extremely conventionally attractive men to be kinda meh and thinking women attracted to men must be exaggerating how hot they find them

being uncomfortable when you find out a man has a crush on you and wanting him to stay away, but with women/nbs it's just a bit awkward and overall no big deal

having to force sexual and romantic fantasies for men and getting bored of them after a while

finding the most aesthetically attractive man in a group and deciding you are attracted to him (bonus points: being relieved when you find out he's taken/ and/or you could never date him for some reason)

being anxious or sad or bored when you imagine your life with a man

only wanting to date men if it's polyamorous (note: this is not to invalidate poly people, but if you can only imagine dating one gender ONLY if it's poly and having no issues to be monogamous with another gender... that might be something to look into)

getting sad/anxious/bored at the idea that your first boyfriend could be your forever partner. thinking "of course i want to experience life before I settle down"

wanting to dress sexy and reveal your body, but wanting to hide it when a man pays attention to you

Men expressing their attraction to men is more relatable than women expressing their attraction for men Women/ NBs:

finding only a few men aesthetically attractive but nearly every woman/queer/nb person (esp more femme ones) being gorgeous to you

wanting to impress and/or be liked by "special" women

going on dating apps and switching to "women only" even though you are (supposedly) bi/pan (note: some people may do this for safety reasons but if you can't even IMAGINE finding a guy off an app, even if you take all possible precautions, well...)

finding the fantasy of sharing your life with a woman/nb person far more rewarding and satisfying than the fantasy of doing those same things with a man

having some inkling of attraction to trans women pre-coming out, but suddenly thinking they are the most gorgeous people ever post knowing they are women(especially if they go on HRT),

really "admiring" masc/butch women and women who break gender roles (women in suits, women with defined muscles etc.)

thinking that everyone thinks women are more aesthetically attractive than men (hint: ask a gay man about this)

having deep feelings about a female actor, singer, teacher growing up etc. that feel special and unique

feeling guilty in locker rooms, not wanting to look at women too long

getting really excited at the idea of having a gf, or being a girl/nb person's gf/ partner but not feeling the same way about dating boys/men

wishing to be a lesbian because you think lesbians are cool and/or to avoid dating men

feeling uncomfortable feelings about the label lesbian, especially when applied to you (but not gay/queer/sapphic/wlw/nblw etc.)

not getting crushes on women IRL often because you're still aspec

getting crushes on fictional women, influencers, celebrities etc. Media:

never relating to m/f pairings even if they have bi/pan characters or the m/f relationships you see in media or around you.

shipping m/f, but thinking "that's cool for them, but I don't want that" (note: this might also have to with gender, if you're nb)

imagining yourself as the "man" in m/f ships never the woman

not relating to f/f ships with two thin conventionally feminine and usually white women (esp if you are fat, gnc, WoC, and/or are attracted to butch/masc women)

seeing posts about the attractiveness of men but relating them to m/m ships, not yourself

wanting every bi/pan character to be in a "gay" or at least, in a visibly queer relationship

only relating to m/f ships if they are more obviously queer. Like say, masc woman with a twink boyfriend (side note, I've never seen that, so if you have recs please send them my way)

only being able to get off on gay/lesbian porn, finding straight porn to be unsatisfying or boring or uncomfortable (note: porn is not a great way to determine sexualaity as most actresses are fetishized and fake prgasms, and most lesbian porn is not made for sapphics. but still) Things you are allowed to do as a lesbian/don't make you less gay:

Have m/f ships you feel strongly about

read/write m/f smut

relate to/write bi/pan characters

joke about liking celebrity men & fictional men

not be attracted to the women the lesbian community has decided are the hottest thing since sliced bread (Kristen Stewart is not everyone's type)

not be comfortable with certain sex acts or sex as a whole

[kittyit]

hey, i hope im coming to the right person with this but i really need some advice. i'm a teenage lesbian, and ever since i was about 9-10 years old i've been struggling on and off with gender dysphoria. some days i feel fine but some days (like today) i just really wish i were born male. i dont know what's wrong with me but it totally sucks and ruins my mood. nobody would ever be able to tell that i have gender identity issues. i dress and act pretty effeminately (1/3)

but on the inside i wish i sometimes were a boy. transitioning is totally out of the question, but even if i could, i still wouldnt want to. i know a lot of kids wonder what it’d be like to be the opposite sex, but this has been a long term thing that has caused me a lot of stress. it’s a really confusing and frustrating feeling. i have no way to relieve the dysphoria other than to wait until i feel better about myself another day. when i was younger i used to identify as ftm, but later decided i was just a cis lesbian because i didn’t feel like the trans label fit me. im sorry if im bothering you in any way but i saw a lot of your posts about detransition and dysphoria and i was wondering if you had any advice for me

——————

i’m actually really glad you sent this to me! not bothering me at ALL! i’m a femme with dysphoria and i’ve been trying to figure out how to talk about. having gender/sex dysphoria is not a uniquely lesbian experience but there’s absolutely a significant overlap - and butches get the worst of it, with the feelings they’re having reinforced by the reactions of the world to their butch existence.

i feel the major root of my dysphoria is something like this: when you’re a lesbian, you love women. lesbian love is usually not shown to you, or if it is, it’s in a way that doesn’t recognize how real and vital it is. when i was a little girl, all the messages i had to receive about love where about what men could/should/wanted to do/provide for women. the only way for a woman to be happy was for her to be wanted and taken care of by men in a myriad of ways.

so there was that overwhelming social message, saturating basically all media, advertising, just everywhere! men will openly say the same things too and try to enforce them as best as possible. same sex attraction is porn or a joke to most of them, even very young.in addition, there can also be a messages like that from other women. i had a lot of feelings for straight & bi identified girls when i was a girl who wanted something that i couldn’t give to them. often these feelings were accompanied by romantic, sexual, or intense emotional entanglement. regularly they were accompanied by the statement “i wish you were a boy.” i felt it in my heart too, because i felt like, wow, if i was a boy, she could love me back. i could actually make her happy.

the horrible feeling of not being able to fulfill other women or have a normal, healthy, happy relationship is very, very tangled up in my dysphoria. the more i’ve been able to embrace (instead of accept or ignore) being a lesbian, and the more i’ve been around lesbians who are unapologetic (or fighting to be) about being a lesbian, the more my dysphoria fades.

when love between women is positioned as not-real, not-enough, a joke, women who love women will also feel not-real, not-enough, and like jokes.

so i hope this was at least a little relevant to you! i really want to hear from more femme / feminine lesbians who have dysphoria. there as many ways to feel like a failed female / failed woman as there as female people alive and the more we talk about what we’ve gone/are going through the more we can help each other and ourselves.