#am i a lesbian

[sosapphicsworld]

lesbians - how did you figure out you weren’t attracted to men

bisexuals - how did you realize you WERE actually attracted to men & it wasn’t comphet

having trouble 🥲

[theaquinn-misc]

A-spec Lesbian

I decided to make my own list of things that have helped me realized I'm gay. Disclaimer: I'm not the arbiter of what makes someone an aspec lesbian, however if you experience some or most of these it's something to consider. Disclaimer 2: I've also not had a lot of experience dating so I can't include much of that here. This post will be divided in 3 sections: Men, Women and NBs and media

Men:

only crushing on "unavailable" men: married, in a relationship, much older, gay, fictional, celebrities

"crushing" on men and enjoying fantasizing about them, but not trying to flirt or even get close to them in any way

"crushing on a man" for a set period of time and then and thinking he's the hottest thing since sliced bread, but later (especially after a physical separation) finding him meh or cringey

fantasies about men having more to do with being happy and fulfilled in life and being seen as someone to be jealous of, not so much about the specific person

having a crush/attraction to a man only for him to return it and you realize that you feel uncomfortable

meeting a guy who is conventionally attractive and meets all your standards and telling yourself you are attracted to him but still feeling a weird pressure in your stomach/chest because "something is missing"

liking a guy, until he changes something minor about his appearance (shaves, does his hair differently) and then finding him basic/meh and losing all attraction to him

never understanding what women see in the men they date or like in media, at least looks-wise

finding even extremely conventionally attractive men to be kinda meh and thinking women attracted to men must be exaggerating how hot they find them

being uncomfortable when you find out a man has a crush on you and wanting him to stay away, but with women/nbs it's just a bit awkward and overall no big deal

having to force sexual and romantic fantasies for men and getting bored of them after a while

finding the most aesthetically attractive man in a group and deciding you are attracted to him (bonus points: being relieved when you find out he's taken/ and/or you could never date him for some reason)

being anxious or sad or bored when you imagine your life with a man

only wanting to date men if it's polyamorous (note: this is not to invalidate poly people, but if you can only imagine dating one gender ONLY if it's poly and having no issues to be monogamous with another gender... that might be something to look into)

getting sad/anxious/bored at the idea that your first boyfriend could be your forever partner. thinking "of course i want to experience life before I settle down"

wanting to dress sexy and reveal your body, but wanting to hide it when a man pays attention to you

Men expressing their attraction to men is more relatable than women expressing their attraction for men Women/ NBs:

finding only a few men aesthetically attractive but nearly every woman/queer/nb person (esp more femme ones) being gorgeous to you

wanting to impress and/or be liked by "special" women

going on dating apps and switching to "women only" even though you are (supposedly) bi/pan (note: some people may do this for safety reasons but if you can't even IMAGINE finding a guy off an app, even if you take all possible precautions, well...)

finding the fantasy of sharing your life with a woman/nb person far more rewarding and satisfying than the fantasy of doing those same things with a man

having some inkling of attraction to trans women pre-coming out, but suddenly thinking they are the most gorgeous people ever post knowing they are women(especially if they go on HRT),

really "admiring" masc/butch women and women who break gender roles (women in suits, women with defined muscles etc.)

thinking that everyone thinks women are more aesthetically attractive than men (hint: ask a gay man about this)

having deep feelings about a female actor, singer, teacher growing up etc. that feel special and unique

feeling guilty in locker rooms, not wanting to look at women too long

getting really excited at the idea of having a gf, or being a girl/nb person's gf/ partner but not feeling the same way about dating boys/men

wishing to be a lesbian because you think lesbians are cool and/or to avoid dating men

feeling uncomfortable feelings about the label lesbian, especially when applied to you (but not gay/queer/sapphic/wlw/nblw etc.)

not getting crushes on women IRL often because you're still aspec

getting crushes on fictional women, influencers, celebrities etc. Media:

never relating to m/f pairings even if they have bi/pan characters or the m/f relationships you see in media or around you.

shipping m/f, but thinking "that's cool for them, but I don't want that" (note: this might also have to with gender, if you're nb)

imagining yourself as the "man" in m/f ships never the woman

not relating to f/f ships with two thin conventionally feminine and usually white women (esp if you are fat, gnc, WoC, and/or are attracted to butch/masc women)

seeing posts about the attractiveness of men but relating them to m/m ships, not yourself

wanting every bi/pan character to be in a "gay" or at least, in a visibly queer relationship

only relating to m/f ships if they are more obviously queer. Like say, masc woman with a twink boyfriend (side note, I've never seen that, so if you have recs please send them my way)

only being able to get off on gay/lesbian porn, finding straight porn to be unsatisfying or boring or uncomfortable (note: porn is not a great way to determine sexualaity as most actresses are fetishized and fake prgasms, and most lesbian porn is not made for sapphics. but still) Things you are allowed to do as a lesbian/don't make you less gay:

Have m/f ships you feel strongly about

read/write m/f smut

relate to/write bi/pan characters

joke about liking celebrity men & fictional men

not be attracted to the women the lesbian community has decided are the hottest thing since sliced bread (Kristen Stewart is not everyone's type)

not be comfortable with certain sex acts or sex as a whole

[bunnyy-123]

I think I might be a lesbian

I can’t figure out if it’s Comphet or actual attraction

Lesbians of tumblr how did you realize it was Comphet?

[strawberryflavoredsapphic]

A bunch of videos on Comphet, internalized homophobia and trying to figure out if it’s Comphet or attraction that helped me. These (mostly) just other lesbian’s experiences. It’s ok if you don’t relate to them. And relating to them doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian either bc people can’t put their whole life story into a video.

Anyways, I found these to be more helpful than the “am i a lesbian?” Masterdoc.

TikTok 1: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8j59gEV/ Get rid of it: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8j5Q3RA/ Experience 1: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8j54mbS/ How to tell: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8j5HJH8/ Platonic vs romantic love: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8j5V1fx/ Experience 2: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8j5Swcw/ Loneliness: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8j5WAeY/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8jaRUx2/ Why do lesbians date men before knowing they’re lesbian: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8j5T9PB/ Experience 3: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8j5GVJK/ Carrd: https://href.li/?https://howdoiknowimalesbian.carrd.co Understanding attraction: https://www.tumblr.com/ghostisventing/725035378401296385 Internalized homophobia: https://youtu.be/K7WvHTl_Q7I?si=lH3d__Rr6DMORNqq YouTube: https://youtu.be/HGS5zoqNnSk?si=rAD9qaBI3MYn4JzV Bi vs lesbians: https://youtu.be/9X1DTtpABxc?si=cNmkXErMzXMvfDFr https://youtu.be/s6KA8RB4sQg?si=fS7SHvFxM0pClLOp https://youtu.be/n_nvfr0sH-Y?si=D9q5D0NxJ8wgUonA Comphet: https://youtu.be/t1FpEi28ciE?si=dxBTQ-Ltf7gxncuO

[starberrycakes]

[ghostisventing]

I find myself disgusted/uncomfortable/scared of men and idk if it’s the trauma or am I just not attracted to men?

[chemsitryforthegirls]

The real am I gay quiz is when you're taking an am I gay quiz and the four options suck so you have to decipher which identity the maker of the quiz thinks goes with each choice and then you pick the one you secretly want.

[sleepygaykoala]

To all my girls out there!! I wanted to share this Google Doc that someone posted on Reddit. Titled "Am I a Lesbian" explaining ✨Compulsory Heterosexuality✨

It has helped me tremendously. Very interesting and eye opening.

Please help spread this around as I know that this is something that a lot of people still struggle with. Much love to you all ❤️

[idiotfish]

Too shy to post this on my Instagram so I’m posting it here @all my lesbian moots what made you realize you were a lesbian. I’ve been questioning for months now and Idk why I’m so uncomfortable with the thought of switching labels 😭 I’ve been using bisexual for years and I feel like my attraction to men is completely nonexistent at this point save for like. Two or three fictional characters. So I do feel like lesbian fits me more I just don’t want to go through the hassle of coming out yet again to my parents and having my mom not take me seriously and my dad not acknowledging it

[gays-in-space]

question: if you only have crushes on fictional men, never real men, does it count? or am i actually a lesbian?

[ididntknowwhattocallthis]

Romantic orientation quiz: “You aren’t sure yet, you’re still figuring it out :)”

YES I KNOW THAT. I WAS HOPING THIS WOULD HELP.

[mischiemainblog]

When i say I'm currently rethinking my sexuality I mean I go from believing I'm ace to pans to straight all within the spam 8 hours.

HOW ARE YOU MEANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU IDENTITY AS?

[sirani-unexplained]

having a crush on a straight girl might be worse than 9/11

[hl-sweet-digity-pegsus-girl]

Having a Thought

So, I think I may not like men since I’ve had no romantic feelings for my first boyfriend and might’ve pretending. I might’ve not even been attracted to him romantically. So, maybe I’m a lesbian? Maybe not. Who knows. I certainly do love girls

[ghostisventing]

Ok this is gonna be a long post

I genuinely think I might be a lesbian. I’ve always questioned it on and off occasionally but I never really thought about it because I was confident I was bisexual. For the past few days, I’ve seriously considered it. Idk why. It seems so sudden.

It scares me. And disappoints me. I had to defend my bisexuality for years and it feels like I’m “picking a side” and betraying everyone ):

But I’m also scared because what if I’m wrong and I’m actually bi and this whole thing was for nothing? What if I feel uncomfortable when guys like me back because they were older? What if I liked unavailable men because I have a shitty taste in men? What if I like a guy again in the future? What if the reason being married to a man sounds horrible is because of patriarchal expectations? What if this is just trauma?

But also, I relate to a lot of lesbians. I used to pick boys to like. For fuck sake I even did that freshman year of college (I’m 19). I don’t think I could ever be happy with a man. The idea of dating and having sex with a man disgusts me. Most of my “crushes” on men have been about wanting male validation and attention. I feel anxious flirting with men. Before I considered being a lesbian, I wished I was one. I resented liking men and I was miserable every time I had a “crush” on a man but I thought it was normal.

When I identified as bisexual, I always preferred women. I didn’t really like the idea of getting a boyfriend. I remember being asked constantly in middle school if I had a crush on a boy and I never liked any guy at my school. My friends were always shocked by this. My mom still asks if I want a boyfriend and I always say no.

But I like the idea of dating a woman and sleeping with a woman and getting married to a woman. I *want* to date women. If I was with a woman, I wouldn’t care about never being with a man. I mean I spent my whole life without a boyfriend, so it wouldn’t matter anyways. But if I was with a man? I would be disappointed. I would want to be with a woman. I never resented having crushes on women. I’m never uncomfortable with flirting with women. It feels more natural. I find women to be so much more attractive than men.

But what if I’m wrong and I do like men?