#theres just a lot going on at home right now and I havent had time

[penisbilt]

the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

[cinnamostar]

six dates to fall in love

part one. part two (here). part three. part four. part five. part six coming soon.

pairing : hyunjin x gn!reader

summary : after a two year long unspoken hatred, hyunjin and you are forced to be costars in a romantic series, but when it comes to filming any of the romance scenes, you both utterly fail and are unable to get through your lines. the director threatens to take your roles away if you two aren't able to get past this within the next week, which spawns the genius idea from both your managers: can you learn to (fake) fall in love in seven dates and save your careers?

wc : 2.3k

cw : actor!au, enemies to lovers ?!, slowburn (?!), cursing, one gorey joke thing, arguing, angsty, they're each other's biggest haters, let me know if i missed anything !!

a/n : this parts shorter unfortunately but i hope u like it! likes, reblogs, and feedback appreciated. pls read part one first if you havent! well. now theres a whole new hurdle for these two to conquer heh... this part is a lot shorter, so sorry for that but i felt like it was best to keep it at this length :o

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“He said what?” Chan asked, shock coloring his voice as you updated him on the night’s events, and how absolutely insufferable Hyunjin was.

“I’m telling you, that guy’s a dickhead,” you mumbled angrily on the phone, shuffling through your apartment as you discarded your outfit and headed into the shower.

Chan took in a deep breath from the other side of the line, “Well, I knew that already, but that was just a new low.” You hummed in agreement, rolling your eyes, “Yeah, whatever. I just have a bad feeling this isn’t going to work out in our favor.”

“You never know, maybe tomorrow will go a lot better, Y/N!” 

You smiled at Chan’s attempts to lighten the mood, “I seriously doubt it, but I will try to put my faith in you and this plan of yours,” you sighed, “Well, I’m going to shower and go to bed, thanks for listening.”

“Always, Y/N. Tomorrow will be better, okay?”

“Right, good night, Chan.”

“Good night!”

God, you could only hope that Chan was right.

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You were definitely having a severe case of deja vu as you sat at your local coffee shop, a pistachio latte in hand as you waited for Hyunjin to arrive for your second date of the week. You both had agreed over text this morning that you’d meet at 12:30pm, but it was nearly 1pm and there was no sign of Hyunjin. Great, you thought to yourself, as it seems like his inconsideration was not limited to just your feelings, but also your time. 

He most definitely was doing this on purpose, there was no way this wasn’t just one of his other tactics to get under your skin before even arriving. Was this how every date was going to be like this entire week? You wasting fifteen to thirty minutes of your life waiting for some conceited asshole to make it, even though he was the one to pick and agree on a time. This was ridiculous, and you couldn’t help but feel peeved as you watched the cafe’s clock tick by, mentally noting how much time had passed at every minute. Maybe it was best to go home, maybe this whole dating thing wasn’t going to work out and it was best to just cut your losses.

Right, going home sounded nice and at least you wouldn’t be losing time on some bumbling idiot. You let out a sharp exhale as you stood up, grabbing your bag and drink to make your way out, but as you turned around, you were met with Hyunjin, who was standing a few feet away from your table with his own drink in hand.

With an eyebrow cocked up, he mockingly cooed, “Aw, you were going to ditch me on our date?”

You rolled your eyes in frustration, an exasperated sigh escaping you as you sluimped back in your seat, motioning Hyunjin to take his seat with a hint of sass in your gestures, “Oh, right, I was the one ditching you, not the other way around.”

“I did not ditch you, I’m here, aren’t I?”

“You’re thirty minutes late, Hwang,” you deadpanned.

“Better late than never, no?” he smirked, taking delight in how easy it was to rile you up with such little effort on his end.

You pursed your lips as you glared at the man who sat across from you, a small ‘hmph’ leaving you, “Whatever.”

Much like the day before, the familiar tense atmosphere took its place once more as you both sat quietly in your own seats, occasionally taking a sip of coffee every now and then. Having Hyunjin in your company was torturous, it was almost as if he held you captive in the most miserable week of your life and he made no attempt to make it the least bit enjoyable.

You, once more, decided to remain quiet, allowing Hyunjin to be the one to make any conversation since he seemed to be the one struggling the most with this arrangement. It was best to let him go at his own speed, right? Although that did not stop the displeased look from leaving your features, your eyebrows remained furrowed since the moment you were made aware of his presence.

Hyunjin let out a gentle huff, placing his drink down as he analyzed yor features, “Do you always have this much attitude?”

Rolling your eyes, you responded sternly, “When it comes to you, yes.”

“Right, because I’m the problem,” murmured Hyunjin sarcastically.

“Glad you know.”

Hyunjin bit the inside of his cheek, lost in thought as he tried to figure out the right string of words to say, ones that wouldn’t kindle the already burning heat of hatred you had for him. The silence was unbearably uncomfortable, restricting him of any chance to catch his breath as anxiety and trepidation took over him. He despised this, he hated having to always be on guard around you and it was getting overwhelming, despite it only being the second day of this so-called plan. Hyunjin wasn’t dumb though, while he may be upset with these current circumstances, he would be an idiot to not take advantage of it. His plan was simple, all he had to do was get under your skin as much as he can throughout this week in hopes you’d decide to drop out of the project altogether, which would mean he would no longer have to worry about getting kicked off the shoot if they only had to replace you, he thought.

Unfortunately, you were as hard-headed as a bull, bulldozing over any hope Hyunjin had as your stubbornness made itself apparent through your countless attempts to speak to him last night. Though, something had to be working, he thought, as you reached a standstill of quietness in the middle of this bustling coffee shop. 

The coffee shop was brimming with life, fellow patrons laughing with their company and baristas shouting out names to orders as the espresso machines and blenders whirred in the background. It was a relaxing, welcoming, and cozy environment which sharply juxtaposed the energy emanating off you and Hyunjin. If anything, you and Hyunjin would be more fitting standing outside in the cold, icy, and piercing winter winds as you exchanged hardened gazes, neither wavering from their stance. Anyone who stepped within a three foot radius of you both would feel instant chills due to the intensity of the situation, yet, everyone was too absorbed in their own world to pay attention to the mental battle you and Hyunjin were engaged in. 

“What did I ever do to you?”

The sudden question surprised Hyunjin, effectively drawing him out of his stupor as his gaze softened at the vulnerability in your tone and the slight quiver to your voice, though your features remained in the permanent scowl that seemed to falter ever-so slightly. This was new, this was something Hyunjin had never seen from you before and it made his heart ache to hear the confusion and uncertainty reverberate from your words. This show of weakness from you should be something he celebrates though, this means his attempts to push you away from this project had to be working, yet why did he feel so guilty? Why did he feel his stomach drop slightly when he heard you tremble over your words? Moreso, why were you asking him that?

Hyunjin’s face contorted with perplexity, “You’re seriously asking that?”

Your frown changed into one of curiosity, not entirely understanding what Hyunjin meant by his question, “... What?” 

Hyunjin could only return your confused gaze, your cluelessness only seemed to light a fire under him as fury began to settle in his eyes, “You’re joking, right?”

Taken aback, your mouth struggled to form any words as your brain tried to rack through your memories, searching for a moment in time that you could’ve upset or hurt Hyunjin back then, but there was nothing. You were drawing a blank and could only wonder what you could’ve possibly done to cause this kind of rage in Hyunjin. You spoke cautiously, afraid the wrong words could escalate the situation as you desperately did not want to call attention to you two, “I’m sorry… I don’t… know what you’re talking about.”

Hyunjin could only wear a baffled look in his face, scanning your eyes to only find you were being truthful, no sign of deceit and you were not feigning ignorance, you were genuinely lost at his sudden outburst. He couldn’t believe it, had his version of reality been entirely false this whole time? Up to this point, he had scrutinized you as a villain, one of the worst in the industry, yet the thread that held this belief was quickly unraveling as he took in the innocence your eyes conveyed, a silent plea for him to not doubt your honesty.

“Weren’t you the one…” Hyunjin questioned, uncertainty in his voice, “Didn’t you sabotage me from getting that role on Director Han’s project?”

“Huh?” 

That was all you could muster out, your jaw dropping at the sudden accusation, “What the fuck are you talking about, Hwang?”

“I saw you talking to him on the set of your first film project together! Just a few days after my audition,” he spoke firmly, doing his best to remain steadfast in his perception of events.

“Yes, I did speak to him. In fact, Hyunjin,” you spat his name out, anger burning in your eyes as you tried to keep your voice down, “I was telling him how much of a joy you were to work with and was recommending him to cast you.”

“You’re lying.”

You stood up suddenly from your seat, hands flat against the table, refusing to listen to Hyunjin’s fictitious words and accusations as you felt yourself ready to explode, struggling to keep the heated discontentment you felt contained. Has this really been the reason why Hyunjin had been so cruel to you all these years? Over some dumb hunch that had no weight to it, no proof other than it being a convenient explanation? Was it simply easier for him to frame you rather than accept someone with more talent landed the role? It took everything within you not to slap Hyunjin across the face as you seethed in your rage, trying to make sense of everything that had occurred since that time. 

Of course, missing out on the role was absolutely heartbreaking for Hyunjin, as that film ended up being a blockbuster success and would’ve launched his acting career in a way so many could only dream of. Though, it absolutely wasn’t your fault that the director decided to cast a more experienced and already established actor, one whose name alone would’ve bought the film instant success.

“Right, I am so lying. Because there’s absolutely no way in hell they decided to cast someone who was just a better actor, right? It’s all my fault because of course, the great Hwang Hyunjin could never be a failure.”

Your eyes narrowed at him, studying his reaction as he remained frozen in his seat, a conflicted expression on his face as he tried to process your words. However, Hyunjin was a deeply insecure individual, one who needed constant praise to feel any bit of confidence in his ability to perform and he was quick to become defensive when it came to facing failure. Perhaps that is why he was so sure to blame you without second thought, someone who was such a stark polar opposite from him, someone who had all the confidence of the world in themselves, someone he absolutely envied and grew to hate over some theory he piped up to cope with his own shortcomings. 

You scoffed at his lack of response, muttering, “Unbelievable.”

Yet, you cannot expect someone to just back down from their version of events that they upheld as truth for so long. He had spent two years believing this, and how could he ever be so sure that you weren’t just lying to him in his face? What if you were just trying to maintain your image through lies? Though, something about the expression you wore told him that was not possible, but his own selfishness refused to let him fully accept that. 

“I don’t believe you,” was all Hyunjin could say, stubbornly holding onto the reality he had unknowingly fabricated as he did his best to ignore the hurt in your eyes.

“Why would I lie to you about that? Why would I have ever done that to you?” you whispered, tears welling up in your eyes as your frustration was finally getting the best of you. 

Finally uncovering the truth behind Hyunjin’s hatred towards you was not as satisfying or relieving as you had always imagined it to be. The growing indignation you felt was overwhelming, you were losing control of your own body and emotions, control slipping between your fingers like grains of sand as another wave of emotions began to make itself known. It pained you to know Hyunjin had thought so poorly of you for so long, your heart aching at the thought of him thinking you’d do something so terrible to him. 

The molten lava of anger that flowed through your veins finally met the cool, tumultuous sadness your heart took on, turning into stone as the emotions fought with one another for dominance, but the heavy weight of cobble filled in the cracks of your resolve and urged you to maintain your composure. 

You shook your head at Hyunjin, who still remained still in his seat, and without a word, you turned to leave the coffee shop, abandoning this stupid date idea your manager had conjured up from whatever demented reasonings he had. Maybe you should have left earlier, maybe it was best to cut your losses and accept defeat. All you had now was an unquenchable amount of anger that no amount of water would ever be able to fully put out, and this only intensified your dislike for Hyunjin.

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taglist: @kopikokrunch @icouldntcareless22 @kidrauhlschik @hhwangsmoon

**taglist will be closed at twenty users

[evelili]

As an immigrant child, your new fic had resonated with me. It made me tear up eating dinner with my family.

When Saffron said, “This selfish desperation to know that I haven’t lost my connection to my home." It instantly took me back to being constantly teased by my friends for not being 'in tuned' with my culture like how they were, or how I desperately tried speaking in my native tongue with my parents, despite having a very clear american accent and them constantly assuring me that speaking in english is fine. My grandmother had passed earlier this year, she was the grandparent that I knew the least. I started asking about her from her sisters as my mother isn't in the state to answer anything, I've tried so hard to pick up the pieces of what her sisters have told me to construct an image of her personality. She used to constantly ask me to call her so when I read about Saffron talking about how video calls have were never the same and never enough, it hit me like a load of bricks.

Your fanfiction is so tremendously beautiful in describing the feelings I have felt all my life. How I know that where I am right now isnt home, but my actual home has been so unfamiliar after my grandmothers passing. I have constantly felt like I have disappointed her, so when Sunset confessed to the same thing, I couldn't hold my emotions in anymore. The ending with Saffron talking about how she would be waiting for Sunset to come home if she was her mother made hope that was true with me and my grandmother, if I were to ever reunite with her again when I pass away myself.

Thank you so much for writing this story. It was the most comfortable yet intense stories I have ever had the blessing to read. I am sorry for rambling and I hope this entire message makes some sort of sense? I hope whatever you're dealing with gets solved to the way you have hoped it would.

You have also made me see dal in a new light, it was never a food that I used to like, but I am willing to give it another shot lol

i looked at this ask earlier and had to take some time to process how to respond to this. i think tho i still dont really know how to, so i hope thats ok!

first of all, thank you so much for being comfortable enough to tell me ur story. it really means a lot that you would open up to me, a stranger, and the fact that you did so bc something i made had an impact on u quite actually moved me to tears. im a bit of a soggy mess rn lol. thank you again, truly.

second, i want to express my empathy for you and your situation with your grandmother. my grandad passed away before i could graduate, and it was during the height of lockdowns, so i hadnt seen him in a while. i didnt go to visit him in the hospital, so theres always this feeling of "what if i had called more? what if i had tried harder to visit? what if i spent more time with him?" that doesnt really go away. and, as a kid of 2 immigrant families, i can also really empathize with feeling a disconnect from your culture--when ur not surrounded by ur parents culture but u also visibly dont look like ur "from" the one u were raised in, it can feel really alienating, even though you havent done anything except just. exist in this sort of inbetween?

all of this i guess is to say that, i put a lot of my own experiences into this fic. and it's almost relieving in a way to know that u saw what i put there, and that this experience is something that other people have felt as well. thank you so very much again for reading ;v;

[puhpandas]

(PreviousAnon on Gregory and Tony)

Yeah, that's all fair enough and I'm sure they have more going on between them then just the mystery thing. I guess I just didn't think Gregory would necessarily have the patience for that or would react more negatively to that kind of treatment. But then he made up and now presumably lives full time with the woman who manipulated and tried to kill him so what do I know. :P

Also doesn't help that I'm looking at as a finite storyline with an eventual conclusion then part of something indeterminate and ongoing.

I havent talked much more in depth about it especially since I havent written anything for it so I'll drop some more for it here for better understanding

gregory was for sure pissed off when he figured it out. he wasted no time confronting tony and needed space away from him so he ignored him. he was less hurt and just more angry that he felt that way, but there were no concrete thoughts like "I'm never speaking to him again"

tony didnt really reach out immediately because he had so much to think about and when he went home had so much to cover in his head. gregory saying that made him realize that he really did feel that way and he shouldnt have and it was wrong. it made him realize he was a bad friend and that was something he had never acknowledged before. in ggy tony is an unreliable narrator and sees himself as always in the right, but this time he thinks about everything hes done in a different light and realizes a lot of it was wrong, but nobody ever really said anything. gregory was the one to call him out and give him that wakeup call, and tony didnt want to be like that anymore after realizing it wasnt fine like he thought it was

after a day or 2 tony reaches out to Gregory after a few failed attempts and Gregory agrees to talk to him (after talking to vanessa and Freddy about it), and that's when tony just kinda goes over the major wake up call Gregory confronting him gave him and how hes sorry and that he thinks he has a bit more to sort through regarding his dad (understatement)

so maybe it doesnt get resolved perfectly and Gregory doesn't 100% forgive and forget, but he understands that tony made a mistake and theres no reason to hate him if he learned from it. after that it's a lot of thinking and working for tony and he actually talks to his family and to ellis and changes his way of seeing things and it's hard to just drop all of it but hes trying because he knows it's what he needs to do. they continue being friends and eventually time heals all wounds and they become better friends because of it

[ayayabaroque]

tanginamo hilig mo mag procrastinate kahit aabi mo mag rerelease ka ng fic nung December 20-26

POSSIBLE WARNINGS FOR THE DARK(ISH??) THEMES AHEAD???

+delusional scarapoots, he sees you as both his mother figure and a romantic(ishh) interest hahahahahaha borderline insane but same ngl

Qhat if ano

Hear me out

Genshin SAGAU but Scaramouche never met his old mortal friends etcetc...

Time travelling shit

But wait, theres more

May sense of creepiness iykwis

Darling takes care of him throughout the time Ei supposedly abandoned him, but aftr he becomes a harbinger you suddenly leave for no reaspn

He misses you and hes mad at u for leaving him

Imagine the shock when he finds out that you returned.

Or, an impostor of per se

in the attempt to make the so-called 'God' he worships as of now, he k-words the 'impostor' (which is u btw and now you hate him since you're a vengeful person and by you i mean me)

Oh the horror he has on his face when he saw your gold blood seeping through your lifeless body.

He's constantly hearing a faint ringing in his head telling him—

"Sinner. Sinner. Sinner. SINNER."

In the desperate attempt to cling on to whatever life you had, he hugged your — now dead — form tightly, while pressing his cheek against yours for any source of warmth.

"Your Grace, please don't forsake me, for I have sinned against you—

...

"Please Your Grace, wake up!

...

"If you so wish to torment and torture me so be it! Just please, wake up!

...

"I-I won't do it again, I promise— I'll murder the true impostor at your command, please—

...

"I understand I am a disappointment, but please don't leave me! You're—

...all that I have.

"Mother...

My mother... You...

You are my true... mother, not Ei, not anyone, only you.

You are special to me.

You won't leave me too, right mother?"

Scaramouche coddles your dead, rotting corpse closer, rocking bad and forth as it settles in his mind that you're dead now. You're gone.

He doesn't accept the fact you're gone rather, he stares at you lovingly, kissing you endlessly as if you were under a curse.

He's aware of what he's done, he chooses not to face it. He didn't sin against you, he was with you here right now. He didn't kill you, you're in his arms, looking at him lovingly and with care. He wasn't the reason you died, in fact, you didn't die at all!

"My creator, my life, my darling, let us go home.

I shall patch up your wounds immediately.

After that, I shall lay with you in bed, seeking your warmth as I always have.

As I always would.

And as I ever will be."

As he fulfills his promise of murdering the impostor at your absent command, he is expectant of praise from a cold, rotting corpse.

"Oh mother...

Please tell me I've done you good.

Please, praise me again and tell me you won't leave me.

That I am your good boy.

No one else's.

Yours.

Mother.

My love.

You will always be."

i fucking wrote this at 12:55 i havent inhaled much sleep so fuck u if you laugh at this

Sincerely, Prince

btw wheres my christmas gift i asked for genesis crystals and you gave me a fuckcij rubber duck./lh/j

i dont want whatever the fuck you're on Prince stop writing your creepy ideas at midnight adik ka ba Prince? I'm also sorry I haven't been writing a lot, I promise I'll post the shit in my drafts soon. Much love and whatever else is left of me, Niecass. p.s: You're not getting another Christmas gift. The rubber duck gift set for children is all that I can afford.

[minjiarchive]

"MISS ME?" : jiu x fem!reader

warning / suggestive? you can make up the rest after the end :) maybe ill do a pt 2 if you'd guys like!

-

spending time without minji felt like torture, you were at dance practice and probably had to stay there for another few hours. it was your break which would last for about 20 minutes so why not check your phone and message your girlfriend?

you already had a message from minji, a smile formed on your face. she can always make your day better even if she isnt with you physically. but the message read, "do you miss me?"

nothing too shocking, it was just a simple question. you missed her a lot too so maybe she wanted to ask if you want to go out tonight when you were done with work.

"i do miss you love. why whats up?" you set your phone down on the floor before getting up to get some water. theres no reason to think much about that message anyways but it did give you butterflies thinking about her. you came back after getting a sip of water and when you opened your phone, a photo opened of minji exposing her v-line, her face barely showing, and her hands resting in between her thighs.

"good. ive missed you too, cant you tell?" practically glued to your phone, you couldnt even respond. was this a tease or a trick for you to be distracted, you didnt care. all you cared about was getting home fast to see her.

"i havent even done much and you're already wet. come home right now."

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas, reg kin anon back already haha

(again, cw/tw for medical stuff and complicated family dynamics)

firstly, thank you for your supportive and kind words, they really do mean a lot to me (and everyone else you help; youre genuinely such a wonderful person and deserve everything good in life ♡)

i think ive come to the conclusion that i havent really processed the whole situation yet, honestly. even though i wrote it to you, i havent actually said the words out loud about my mother's diagnosis (and honestly writing them out again is a struggle haha, like my fingers are blocked from doing it), and it kind of feels like saying it makes it real? does that make sense? i dunno. it feels so impossible to imagine my mother being genuinely sick with something so serious. 'my mother' and 'cancer' dont fit in the same sentence.

but i didnt really realise until now just how major of a major life event this is for everyone and everything. because (and remember, i have a very complicated relationship with my mother. i once defined it as 'i dont have to like you to love you' and i think thats really relevant to now, too) my mother was going to help me with moving out (both buying things ill need, as well as actually moving out on the day) but she told me yesterday that ill have to go out to get things myself because she physically cant right now. i didnt think id mind so much, i like having my own independance and doing things myself, but i went out today to buy everything i need and i was struggling so much more than i thought. i genuinely almost had a breakdown crying in the first shop i went to.

honestly part of that was because i had no idea what i needed or where was best to get it or what any of the fancy words about different types of stuff meant (like, who even knows what depth their mattress is to buy the right bedsheet?? what is a tog??? whats the difference between a bath sheet and a bath towel?? they look the same!) but also because that was something we were supposed to do together. i dont like her and theres so much about her i want to change, but theres a huge part of me that was looking forward to a parent/child experience that so many normal families have, especially because i didnt get a lot of other typical 'growing up' moments with my parents due to how my family is.

part of me, in all honesty, considered waiting to move out, partly so that she could still be part of it, and partly so that i was in a better place emotionally to be able to handle the change. but if i were to do that, id have to wait another year (im moving out to go to university, and i already put it off last year to get a job instead because i was scared and anxious about university) and i dont know that i could go a whole extra year stuck at home. theoretically, i could afford to move out and rent (or buy, if i went to one of the cheap areas) when i felt ready in however many months time, but itd be a huge drain on my savings and would be nowhere near where ill be for school the following year so itd be a waste of money and time. itd be stupid and silly for me to put off university for another year, but i did consider it. i wont, but part of me is scared and wants to.

i met up with my older brother for lunch while i was out (who, sticking with the black family dynamics, is kind of like the andromeda of my family. he moved out 5 years ago to break away from the family and rarely comes home, and is probably the one person in my life who i feel genuinely comfortable and safe around) and we talked about it which was nice, especially considering my family is typically very much a 'do not talk about your feelings at all' sort of family, and as a whole we have not discussed anything further about my mother's health or how we're all handling it since that first conversation. he was super gentle and caring and honestly that in itself made me want to cry a bit because hes just so not at all like our parents?? idk who raised him but i wish theyd raised me too hahaha

but anyway, he was really open and supporting with me. he talked a bit about how he was feeling (which was super validating, because he was also hit hard by it and had complex feelings about it all) and he was really clear too that if i needed anything at all, i could always go to him and would always be welcome at his flat if i needed time away, even when i move out. (seriously, who raised this perfect older brother????) basically he was everything i needed in that moment and i am really genuinely thankful he exists, so at least my parents made one decent thing haha

still, though. i think its starting to hit me now just how many things are going to change and, as selfish as it is, how many things im going to lose and miss out on because of it. i dont like my mother, but i want her there to help me take that next step in my adult life, yknow? she, nor my father, have explicitly said she wont be able to help on moving day, but its not likely, and theres no way on earth i could ever ask whether she will (again: selfish thinking.)

my brother did mention, though, that the type of cancer our mother has is apparently one of the worse types if it isnt caught early enough. as far as i understand it (which isnt much, honestly, i dont understand much with medicine), she has cancer in her abdomen and its usually caught too late to get rid of. i didnt know this until today, i think our father didnt want to worry me? but i dont actually know how far along the cancer is (which stage it is? i think thats the right term) and i dont know at what stage it becomes too late. my brother also didnt seem to know, but now thats put a new worry in my head because my father explicitly did not mention that to me, so of course my brain has jumped to conclusions about why and what that means. im trying not to spiral, but ever since i found out about her diagnosis, i dont actually think ive gone ten minutes without 'fuck, my mother has cancer' or something similar going through my head, and restarting the breakdown id just pushed down again.

as expected, my sister was already making inappropriate jokes about it by the next time i saw her. i spoke to my brother about this too (hes cut contact with her entirely, like i plan to) and that was part of why he offered to let me stay with him if i ever needed; to escape our sister as much as our mother. i dont understand how she doesnt care a single bit. i know shes never got along with our parents but like, at least have a little decency and sensitivity?? she was literally laughing about it and i just... i dont get how someone could be such an awful person. sure whatever, she doesnt have to be upset if she really doesnt care, but thats crossing a fucking line.

this is getting to be another long ask so im gonna stop here for now, but before i do i just want to say thank you again for being such a safe place for myself and others. you are so, so wonderful cas ♡

- reg kin anon

Hi hon ❤️❤️❤️

I know there’s not a lot I can say right now to make you feel better because unfortunately I don’t know the future. I don’t know how this will turn out and neither do you. But I want to say again that your feelings - all of them - are okay and valid and none of them are bad or shameful. It’s okay to mourn the things that you might miss and it’s okay to have mixed emotions. No feelings are right or wrong here, and I’m here when you need to vent. Also I know move in Day will be hard but I’m so proud of you for continuing to prepare for university.

Sending so much love ❤️

[dausy]

Hello, hows it going?

I guess I could have things to talk about. I thought about updating my tumblr a few times and then just didn't.

I've been working on a project management certification course thats free to military associated personal and signed up for a few IT certs too though I think because its a holiday weekend, those havent gone through. But I finished all my online modules and just need to study and take the test. Do I think these certs might be useful? probably not but I low-key hope they maybe can shift me into some sort of unicorn nursing informatics or research job in the future. But either way, I have some free time on my hands since I'm not employed and I have a gajillion stationery supplies, including some of the ones I made. So I enjoy writing notes and doing school-y stuff. If it wasn't so expensive I could be a chronic student. The one thing about being unemployed is I feel guilty about wanting to purchase so many items. I mean I guess I could purchase them but I know we are about to move too and why add to my hoard? but I want to buy so many things T_T I've really stopped spending other than coffees.

otherwise, my spouse has had to do a lot of outprocessing appointments. We've gone to a couple classes that talk about retirement benefits and healthcare and other things. Because he's outprocessing from the army theres not a whole lot that he is needed for at work so he's picked up some gaming (he's not really a gaming individual). Which is kinda a blessing because he doesn't have much hobbies and it frees me up a bit more to do art stuff.

I've been primarily decorating my houses in Dreamlight Valley since I finished FF7 rebirth. When I do get back to Xenoblade Chronicles 3 and finish it, I think I'm going to spam read a few books that have been sitting on my desk for a while. I started reading them and then got distracted. Just gonna binge all of them at one time and then probably start FF16.

Anyway, tomorrows the 4th of July. My MiL and SiL are coming over for the weekend. My plan today is to go to the gym, come home and bake a pie, set up their rooms, probably mow the lawn and shower, do some studying and finish some laundry. This afternoon we are going to go see a baseball game and fireworks. Think tomorrow our itinerary is to go to the rock gym (that will be open), then the pool, then bbq, then go see fireworks at the onpost park. Next day we are going back to Carlsbad Caverns because family has never seen it and its amazing. Then they go home. Then I gotta prep for a new dog babysitter and turn around and fly to SanDiego.

Its a little busy. I do have an on theme 4th of July decorative footer but I can't find it right now at this computer, so this one will work.

[enlighten3d]

LISTENING TO FILE 10 OF THE TRAIN TO CALECO HILL. BE WARNED !! SPOILERS AHEAD!!

will be editing the post instead of reblogging o7

liveblog below the cut (:

oh no. medical room. why.

-

NOOO HIS LEGS. get a fucking mobility aid. (prolly wouldnt have helped in this case lmao)

-

YES BE MAD AT HER. THATS SO FUCKING VALID OF YOU.

-

the monster WAS her wasnt it...

-

yeeessss tash yesssss recognise the faults in relationships you fucking deserve to be mad. you fucking deserve it. yes.

-

relatable, tash. relatable. i cant remember anything either 👍

-

NO YOU HAD IT BEFORE. YOU BROUGHT CEDRIC ON THE TRAIN W YOU, TASH... THE TRAIN IS FUCKING W YOU.. how well do you remember the station, tash... you havent mentioned any of the ppl you knew since.. file 2 or 3..... love are you okay.

-

THE TRAIN IS HIS HOME HE BELONGS HERE 💥 (for now)

-

gods tash sounds so. different this episode. i mean this in the way that hes finally fed up and. hes at the end of his tether. and. whndkxjksdkssjdjf hes. this is good, this is fascinating...

-

this guy needs a shock blanket

-

this guy also needs friends

-

HE ALSO NEEDS TO NOT DIE AND END UP AT CALECO HILL - (/theory)

-

ooohh the dream changed...

oh thats ominous. different colours?? does that indicate a... Change of some sort? it rly feels like it does.... man.

-

you know who can see (or at least are sensitive to it) ultraviolet light? axolotls. (/j. axolotl tash propaganda /silly)

-

WHAT THE FUCK

OKAY THAT WAS A SLIGHT JUMPSCARE

what the fuck was that

HI OWL GIRL

wait

wait

wait

wait

wait

ait

wait

IS TASH GETTING A MOBILITY AID?? FINALLY???????? AUWBFHZHDNDNZUDIAIDJDKSKCJDJ????????

oH MY GODS

i AM OVERJOYED. ‼️‼️‼️

WEIRD CREEPY NOISES INCE THE DOOR OPENS BUT HES GOT A CANE GUYS AAAAAJSHDNFKF

-

SPINDLY LEGS?? WHAT??? WHDJSKFHSJ??

oh he does not trust owl girl anymore

-

.spooky. spooky cane... monster cane... oh i love that...

-

GLOWING. G L O W I N G

-

ALBER!! SPOOKY MONSTER GLOWING CANE HAS A NAME!!!

please do be aware that figg 100% named that after their own cane (which is named albert)

AAAA TASH HAS A MOBILITY AID IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM ‼️‼️‼️

-

ahajdjs "please stop glowing.." mate i dont think it will...

i love spooky glowing cane

-

exactly the right height... alber i love you you are magical (literally)

-

THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO, TASH. NO SOUND OF THE TRAIN ROLLING. READ MY FUCKING MIND AHDJJDD

-

WHAT IS W H A T. TASH. TASH.

book??????? BOOOK????

-

owl girl kleptomaniac moment

-

FAMILIAR?? oh this is not gonna go well.

diary. diary. oh no. ohhh boy. habdjfkd

its his isnt it. it is. isnt it. a.

-

june 20, 2019. anna. naming things. this is tash. leave where.the station, right??

-

FOREST?? TOWN?? is. is this village tash theory. please say it is. a.

-

nooo its not ): its rhe Station (which was also a thought that i had so)

-

itttsss tash. his diary. before he forgor

-

"hello again, anna" ITS EXACTLY HOW HE SAYS HI TO CEDRIC EVERY TIME AA

-

RENÉE MENTION ‼️‼️ wow its been a while

-

fuck, tash is desperate to have someone care abt him ):

-

cody and lana... more mentions...

-

The Train

oh gods. oh gods he does not sound okay. tasshhhh ):

-

OH GODS, ME JUMPSCARE- i forgot that my voice is gonna be in this lmao

-

lana time [:

(hi its me im lanas va lmao)

-

AAND IT JUST ENDS?? OH BOY SHFNDJ

AAAAA OKAY THAT WAS. A LOT. HOLY FUCK???

okay so. recap of what happened: tash is not dead, hes pissed at owl girl (rightfully), the dream Changed, he got a spooky cane named alber (‼️‼️‼️), owl girl gave him his diary and hes Remembered things, lana showed up, theres someone named mr 22

ouhh boy this sure was a finale

THE CLIFFHANGER WHYYYYYYYYY (i fully knew this was coming lmao)

AWHDHSKFUJSNDJANFBANDIXHSJJRKWDK HOW AM I MEANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TMRW WITH ALL THIS BRAINROT

[voidwritesstuff]

Long Way To The Truth

Summary: once in Oregon,Lucas comes across an old friend.

Cw: hurt/confort, Lucas has a fear of needles,mentuons of human experimentation,lmk if I missed any.

♡Chapter 7: Oregon

Light enters through the small Windows of the white van. Warm and nice sunlight that heats up his sleeping bag, it makes him turn to the side and let out a sigh deeply laced with comfort.

When was the last time he felt so...safe?

For a moment he thinks he can get away with sleeping in, like he can just relax and let life go by. His eyes flutter Open to see the small alarm clock hes got,fallen over probably by one of his one too Many movements while asleep.

Lifting it up,he checks the time, It reads "6:30" am. But he knows theres like a two hour difference,Between his home state and this one.

He simply retracts his hand and tucks it underneath his pillow, to then close his eyes to sleep just a few more hours. After the days hes been having, its better if he just allows himself a moment of the closest thing hes got to a domestic comfort. Itll help him in the long run anyway...

Its not always he decides to sleep a few hours in, with the sun in his hair and a soft breeze just pushing the clouds on the big blue Sky above. Wether he admits it or not,he Needed rest,a break from his hectic routine.

Lucas was exhausted, he just needed a moment for himself. He needs to feel like himself again. And Hes been so caught up in ,Well- Not dying or getting thrown in jail or a ditch, that his body is making the desicion for him.

His body feels like a piece of metal being pulled by the worlds strongest, biggest,magnet. His bones are made of lead and his nerves are just jumbled,tied up wires.

Who cares if he sleeps in? So whats one more day of travel? Its all the same to him,he figures he can wait,he can catch up on sleep and clear his head.

But by the time he wakes up,at 10:30 or so, he feels a lot better. A lot better.

Eventually he does get out of the sleeping bag, rubbing the tiredness out of his eyes with a loud yawn. He throws on his flannel and his boots- he reaches for one of his thermos since he could use a coffee right now.

Thankfully,the remaining water is enough for exactly one cup of coffee. He grabs a platic mug and simply whips up a quick breakfast.

--Please tell me I havent ran out of jerky--He mutters reaching out to one of his backpacks. He rummages though the contents,just the basic deodorant,change of underwear, toothbrush, a shirt-- Aha! Gotcha

He snatches a half empty bag of dry beef Jerky like finding it was a herculean task. And like a kid in a candy store he eats it, sat there on his sleeping bag like hes having breakfast in bed.

Lucas revels in the warmth of the van,provided by the sun that hits the metal roof above his head. Its just a nice,quiet morning.

When hes done, he makes his way to the drivers Seat and turns on the engine. It comes to life with a roar and he starts drumming on the steeringwheel as he pulls into the somewhat empty road infront of him.

Soon the radio accompanies his thoughts, god he loves music- The soft melodies and the quick paced,high energy rythm are enough to get him on a better mood.

As very tough as he liked to show himself to be,Lucas was a simple Man- When his neurotic brain decided to chill out that is.

Music was his escape,his comfort- Just like he had always had a thing for electronics, his first love was always going to be music. Maybe thats why he chose to be a radioman...

He reaches the town of Forlorn Hiraeth, being greeted with long pastures with farm animals, small houses of brick and some with Plaster. And as he drives into the town proper, he notices something...

The streets have a bit of fog, difusing the light from the sun, the roads are a bit cracked with greenery growing out of it- Dandelions and other weeds Sit there bathed in celestial warmth.

Around him the houses are a mix of modern 90s architecture with vestiges of old 60s homes, its a weird mix of appartments and family houses with porches,yards And even a small parking lot for a supermarket.

--Should re-stock on rations--He mutters to himself,pulling into the parking lot. It doesnt take him long to find a spot and leave the van.

With his eyes settling on the old supernarket,its quite wide and a little ornate with that midcentury modern style. The Windows are long,almost reaching the ceiling- It gives him a clear line of sight into the supermarket which hes thankful for. It eases his mind knowing he can see quite a lot of the inside.

Above him a long roof overhangs from the entrance, its really simple and honestly quite nostalgic- There used to be one supermaket like this in the town he grew up with. Then it was demolished And converted into an appartment building.

The Doors slide Open as he enters, he once again takes off his ballcap before even crossing the threshold.

He shouldve made a list-Too late now.

But its a bit disorienting sometimes, for some reason he keeps getting the aisles wrong- he confuses them with those that were in that old grocery store from his home.

--goddamn-- He whispers to himself, shaking off his thoughts and going to Grab a few canned goods that should last him about 2 weeks.

A few cans of peas,corns, beans(his favorite brand being Bush's Baked Beans), some chili and olives. And then he realizes he shouldve grabbed a cart and so he does that- He feels a little silly but he can allow himself this...dont gotta be perfect,right?

He goes to Grab a few bottles of water, some beef jerky and just as hes passing one of the aisles, he stops.

Before him he sees his younger self on an aisle that had alcohol on it, behind him is...Alphonso.

"Can I pleeeease have a beer?" A young Lucas asked the Man behind him.

"Dont be stupid,youre not 21 Years old"

"C'mon! Im going off to fight I think I derserve  a beer"

Alphonso sighed,nodding"Are you sure you dont want your first beer to be with your old Man?"

Lucas just shrugged"Whats tradition anyway?"

The older Man chuckled" Suit yourself,but if im getting your first beer,im taking you somewhere nice. Not store bought" he beamed at his friend who is jumping around like a spring chicken"its on me, of course"

--Young Man-- Says a woman behind him,elderly-- are you alright?

--Wha-?--He turns to see the old woman behind him,no taller than 5'4, olive skin filled with aging lines and wrinkles.

《I seem to recognize your face

Haunting, familiar yet

I can't seem to place it》comes from the radio equipment installed in the palce ,the song played by Pearl Jam but its not like Lucas has enough mental clarity to notice.

Her brown,hooded eyes look at him concerned,her long black hair tied in a half bun.--you seem..out of it?

Lucas clears his throat--Hah, yes. Sorry- lost in thought -- he sees her blink at him for a moment--Why?

--Nothing you just reminded me of someone --She answered,waving it off--apologies

《Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name

Lifetimes are catching up with me》

--ah dont worry- Truth is im not that busy--He replied-- thanks for the concern Ma'am

The womans eyes fall to his dogtags that are poking a bit from his flannel, but shes  quick to nodd back and excuse herself,walking away.

《All these changes taking place

I wish I'd seen the place

But no one's ever taken me》

Lucas sighs,pushing away his thoughts. He better not linger just in case, he was taking his time but he wasnt going to catch a bullet for it.

Soon he gets everything he needs and goes to the check out,as he waits for the cashier to pass everything through the scanner he hears a conversation between another cashier and an elderly woman.

--Its good to see you again Ms.zhao--Says a younger Man.--How is everything?

--Lonely sometimes,With Dexter's anniversary coming up and all-- he recognizes the voice, its the same woman who spoke to him-- Im planning to visit the cementery soon

--Well ive heard the green house is going on a sale soon,perhaps you could get some flowers there?

Ms.Zhao sounded...happy at the idea--Oh, that'd be splendid. Thank you,Rex

Lucas turns to see the old woman leave,trying to get a glimpse at her bicep for something- But shes wearing a red cardigan. "Shit" he thinks before paying for his things.

He leaves soon after,looking for the woman he just saw exit the store. But nothing finds him...

The last name made something in his head rattle, and as he packs his groceries into his van, his mind wanders...

Why did he know that last name? Why did the woman looked at him with recognition- or something close to it.

It makes him even more confused when he realizes that he instictively went to check the old womans bicep- He was looking for a tattoo, a specific one.

"No,it cant be Jane- Jane isnt from Oregon, Shes from Colorado. Did- why would she move?" He thinks,sat there at the wheel of his van.

And then his stomach rumbles and he sighs. Yeah,no use in thinking with an empty stomach.

《Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away》 the radio plays as he drives to a Dinner,the only dinner in the small town.

Once there he does his usual, he parks and while looking at the entrance from his van he just thinks.  The only Jane he knew was Jane Zhao, a nurse from the camp he was stationed at- a woman in her 30s, Chinese-American, kind and sassy.

She gave him shit for being scared of needles, he remembers only knowing her through Alphonso though... she had lost someone too-Her best friend, something Sullivan. Jane was more of an acquaintance to him,tough hes sure Alphonso told her all about his protegé young mister Cole.

Alphonso could never shut up about how proud he was of Lucas. He was a Soccer dad through and through

The bell above him rings as he steps, the Sixties exterior with its Open Windows and large rooves clash with the soft pinks,baby blues and light yellows of the inside, with those large bars that appear in greaser movies and that "Golden Age" posters and decor.

He sits at the edge of the bar, ordering a simple meal to eat and just listening to the music coming from the TV.

With the previous experience a few days back, Being in this restaurant made him a bit on edge. Especially with the TV channel being tuned into MTV.

《I swear, I recognize your breath

Memories like fingerprints are slowly raising

Me, you wouldn't recall for I'm not my former

It's hard when you're stuck upon the shelf》

But thats not whats eating at his mind, he taps on the pristine surface of the bar.

"Even if that was Jane, theres no way- She wouldnt recognize me, its been fourty years almost...I changed...I think" he thinks,going to reach for his dogtags. One is his,the other is Wheelers

--Here you go,sir-- Says a waitress with the nametag "Iris".

--huh?-Oh,Thanks-- he answers, turning to look down at the Plate of food.

God,the whole ambience feels so nostalgic, he grew up in places that looked like this- but some things are off,not the same layout, or equipment...

But the cutlery, the shiny steel,the big plates...even the glasses...

Is...is he getting homesick?

Homesick for the past?

Lucas sighs a little annoyed, Last thing he needs is to dig himself deeper down into old memories. He eats,quietly wondering about  that old woman, was it Jane? If she was would she remember him?

《My God it's been so long

Never dreamed you'd return

But now here you are and here I am》

When hes done, still in silent contemplation, he simply waves over the same waitress that handed him the food.

--Yes,what is it?

--Im uh- not really from around 'ere--He answers, refusing to meet her eye out of awkwardness. A part of him felt stupid for asking this--Say- I met Ms.Zhao- she wasnt an army nurse was she?

--She was,actually-- Iris answered,a little puzzled--Why?

He blinks a few times--I think she worked in my platoon,do you have any idea where I can find her?

The waitress thinks for a moment, looking off into space for a few seconds. Long,eternal seconds...

--i think she visits San Myra's park at night--Iris answered.

Lucas breathes out a sigh of relief-- Thanks, heres uh- a tip. For the help -- he pays what he owes and leaves a few 10 dolar bills.

And before she can say anything, he gets up and leaves. He really cant talk to people...

So with all that in his mind,he goes to ask around for the park hes looking for. Its pretty much in the center of the town so off he drives there.

Its a long wait, he tries to occupy himself with cleaning out his guns, his radio equipment and going to walk around the neighboorhood against his better judgement.

That 50s/60s architecture cant stop haunting him, but its not quite spot on. Some things are off,the colors,the shapes of the rooves and the crash of modern 90s architecture.

He finds himself digging into old memories, the Games he used to play with his dogs, the robotics competition he used to partake in...

Memories of the few pleaseant times while deployed, inner Jokes with his buddies that made him Snicker to himself, dumb little anecdotes and fun Shenanigans.

In hindsight he does pity Alphonso, he had to wrangle a bunch of teenager and a few rowdy "adults" every single Day of his life. He wonders if he ever got stress white hairs from everything- But at least to his credit, he took things in stride And with a big grin and a sassy comeback.

God,he does miss his old pal.

As happy hour begins to push,he goes to a small bar for at least one drink,something to entretain himself.

He sits there at the counter with a few other folk that talk to themselves. Lucas is happy to nurse his beer alone, taking in that 60 and 70s decor that fill the place with life and character.

Theres even an old jukebox and he indulges in a little throw back. He goes up to it and slides a coin in,choosing the song "Aint no mountain high enough" By Marving Gaye and Tammi Terrel.

Within the old machine he can see cogs whirre up,parts move and slide into place. The vinyl, an actual vynil,being grabbed by this claw like thing and being put on a platform with a needle.

It settles into place with a small click and he returns to his spot to simply enjoy the music that starts pouring in.

He turns to his left side to see the other Converse,but instead he sees the side profile of Alphonso.

"I do wonder why you choose me over yer old man" Wheeler asked,half joking and the other half serious.

"Dont-dont worry about it" Answers a young Lucas with his black curly hair all short" Short hair sucks"

The older Man chuckled,the sound so hearty and genuine "I told you- dont be a cry baby about it- itll grow back"

"But my long hair Man! It gave me all my charm!"

Alphonso laughed loudly" Hah! Kid c'mon, theres more t'ya"

"Oh old one give me some of yer wisdom!" The younger Man teased,making a grand display with a wide grin.

"Wise? Yes, Old? Go fuck yerself" Wheeler answered, taking a long sip of his beer" Ya have a good heart,kiddo" the bottle is set on the counter with a soft knock,his eyes are set on the interior of the bottle,spinning it with his fingers "perseviring,Smart, brave. Kind, sweet..."

Lucas remains silent as he usually does when his unofficial dad talks. His eyes glued on the older Man, leaning in a little to hear him better.

"You care for everyone you come across, and hell yer fathers have the emotional awareness of a pea- And you are so much better than them" the older Man sighs" youre the best of all of us,dont forget that- Even when i-" he makes a pause,conteplating something before correcting himself  " when some of Us kick the bucket"

"You talk like yer not coming back" the younger Man chuckled,feeling a little unconfortable at the idea of his best buddy not returning.

"Just old Man ramblings,kid-" he refuses to meet his gaze, his brows furrowed with deep concern that goes unnoticed by his companio.

"Hah,you just said youre not old"

"Maybe I am just starting to lose it" Wheeler says with a quick smirk, he rises his beer" for a better future?"

Lucas grins" and to good Friends"

Their bottles clink and-

--You done with that one,buddy?--Says the barkeeper infront of him.

--Sorry- i yes-- Lucas hands the empty bottle and adds--How much do I owe you?

He pays and finds himself already at night, he walks back to San Myra's park and waits sitting on a bench in silence.Thumb tracing the name on one of his dogtags "Alphonso Wheeler"

Not soon after he sees Ms.Zhao walk past him,up to a statue of a young soldier being held by Saint Nicholas of Myra.

Lucas is quick to follow the old woman and when she looks to her side he asks--Ms.Zhao?

--Oh hey its you--She answers--Yes, its me- What are you doing he-

--I was told you were an army medic,for Vietnam--He starts,the words just coming out like waterfalls,like hes desperate,lost child trying to find an adult to rely on--You tended To Captain Alphonso Wheeler from Alpha Company, a few times actually- Im-

--Lucas--Zhao finishes with a surprised,If not bittersweet look on her face--Lucas Cole

His eyes widen,his heart fills with hope--Jane?

--Ill be damned--She breathes out.

Finally,Someone he knows that isnt dead.

--Well,shit-- he breathes out.

--Dont just stand there,you Crud muffin! Give me a hug--Jane pulls him into a tight embrace. He has to bend over to hug her back,he smiles and burrows his face on the crook of her neck.

Tears pick at the corner of his eyes,he squeezes her a little with a wide grin.

Around them the air is silent,mist creeping from the corners, the streets a little barren. Beside them the saint holds the young soldier,reuniting Him God in peace, with Grace.

--You havent changed a thing --She added,pulling Back with a smile-- Still tall and lanky, that wild black hair and that deer in headlights look!

Lucas feels his face darken--Hey! I grew out of deer in headlights look a long time ago

She snorts--Hah! You did,now you look like a wet cat now

--Hey!!--He yells, flustered.--You and Al' always found a way to make fun of me! Not fair

--Life aint fair,kiddo-- Jane chuckled-- Jesus, you got taller?

--Or maybe you just shrunk--He teased back.

Jane has the Audacity to look impressed-- Finally biting back? About damn time

Lucas groans with annoyance,holding his face in his hands-- Jesus christ!

The old woman cackles,hearty,boisterous,loud and so genuine-- its like im seeing my grandson! Ha--she leans on the display plaque that details the story of saint Nicholas of Myra--Speaking of kids,any of your own? A hot wife? Orrrr husband?

His face grows Darker with blush, suddenly very aware of his personal connections-- No- Not really- for neither. Not yet anyway

Jane raised a brow-- huh..!--He looks at her a little insulted at her disbelief-- Thought you'd have people making line at your door,after all Wheeler told me how full of yourself you were when you were a kid

--I- well- I was 19! Of course I was full of myself-- He said,leaning on the small metal fence that met at the sides of the display plaque.

--well you were really,really full of yourself. Like- a lot

--Okay,okay,Point made,Jane--He looks at the statue,the young soldier- barely in teenhood with dirt on his face and an innocent grin.

He hears the shuffling of cloth,then then a groan of annoyance--Ah shit,got a light?

Lucas turns to see Jane with a cigarette in her mouth--Those things Will kill you

The old woman rolls her eyes-- tell me something I dont know- Do you have a light yes or no?

A soft sigh leaves him and he grabs a lighter from his back pocket. He keeps to himself that the lighter used to belong to Wheeler and flips it Open, soon she lights up her cig And looks at the saint statue.

--i...I heard about Wheeler-- she said quietly,as if hoping he didnt hear.

But his eyes fall to the young soldier and sighs-- course ya did

--I know you suspected that there was foul play involved--She said,exhaling smoke--You were the talk of the ward...

--Because there was,Jane--Lucas replied--Thats why I'm here, im...chasing after this one lead..Its one hell of a long story

She nodds--persevering...just Like Wheeler told me you were-- She takes a drag from her cig--I'd call you bullheaded . Couldnt you just...take a plane?

He shrugs-- Cant pay me to board a plane.. not with those goverment spooks chasing me

--What did you get into,Lucas?--Jane asked,her tone akin to one of a scolding mother.

--Its a long story...

The older woman rubs her eyes,being mindful of her red eyeshadow-- Ill regret telling you this...but I was offered a position not a few days into the ward back at 'Nam, to monitor enemy soldiers exposed to a biochemical weapon...

He snaps his head to look at her--Agen-- He stops,looking around for a brief moment before returning his gaze to her-- Alpha Romeo . Why didnt you-

--I didnt know the symptoms...I refused. It was inhumane! I didnt want to be part of it. But then I was told of the state you were in, and I just...knew -- the older woman's eyes fall to the young soldier statue-- I didnt tell you because I thought itll help you leave it alone...that you'd convince yourself with a lie and...and leave in peace. I mean you were almost like Wheeler's son, and I guess I saw myself as an Aunt, I wanted a peaceful life for you, Kid-

--Dont- Dont call me that-- His voice sounds stern,angry. But it soon breaks down,shaky-- please...

She turns and coos,going to hugh him with one arm as he tries to hold back tears--its not your fault-

--How would you know?

Lucas wipes off his tears angrily, he feels like a child again,lost in that muddly jungle, disoriented...

Jane shakes off her cardigan, dropping it on the floor,she shows her tattoo on her bicep. Its a faded red heart with a cross, the name "Dexter Sullivan" written on it.

--My best friend got shot--She starts, not meeting the Mans gaze-- many times...Then, he was brought to the ward, I was on call and I tried to save his life- Keep pressure on the wounds, I ran to the bloodbank to get transfusions ready. Hell,we shared bloodtypes so I just went and gave him my blood until the doctors could get everything ready

The radioman turns to the older woman, with his eyes misty and red and feeling...Moved.

--When that didnt work, I tried to Stitch the wounds myself- But in the end...he died--Her voice cracks and now its her who has to fight the tears--I spent so,so Many years blaming myself, the doctors kept telling me we were overrun with wounded, that I just afforded him a few seconds of life,allowing him to see that I was trying so damn hard. He died knowing I cared for him

--Oh my god,Jane-

--When he died I was broken. I hated myself,i felt stupid,useless, so guilty--she says, anger in ver voice-- I wouldve wished death took me instead, but as I aged I realized... he died with me around,he died knowing he was cared for,loved...it wasnt my own malpraxis that Killed him- He was already on deaths door when he got there--She continues-- I was a nurse- a damn good one, but he was bleeding out. I did all I could...

--Alphonso- He died in my arms--He added, sniffing--Shot clean through the head by-- he coughs out a sob-- By me- we got sprayed by well- you know what... theres not a day where I dont regret calling for air support, where I wish I was taken and not him

--You werent in sound mind...

--I know-- he replied--But I pulled the trigger, im the reason hes dead...

Jane takes a drag from her cig and offers one to him--Cmon, I saw you smoke a few times

He rolled his eyes, grabbing one and lightning it up soon after- The bitter taste of nicotine in his mouth that soon fills with smoke as he inhales.

《When you were young and your heart

Was an open book

You used to say live and let live

(You know you did)

(You know you did)

(You know you did)》One of the nearby houses blooms witt music. Neither mind,its good to have something to drift their attention away from the pain.

--Im here to chase down these fuckers,im going to expose them all--Lucas growls with a vibrant,youthfull anger in his voice.-- Im going to avenge Wheeler and anyone who died at the hands of the chemical

--Putting the world on your shoulders...Hah,I know the feel -- her voice softens as he takes another drag of the cigarrette.

《But if this ever changin' world

In which we live in

Makes you give in and cry

Say live and let die

Live and let die》

--But Lucas...--Jane continues--Itll eat you alive. The grief- it never ends really,but you can do something about the guilt--She takes his free hand,squeezing it-- Even I havent fully forgiven myself for Dex, but anger and grief makes you bitter- And if youre going after them as hard as I know you Will, you need your mind clear

《What does it matter to ya

When you got a job to do you got to do it well

You got to give the other fella hell》

--I have a job to do,Jane. Itll get done, Even if I dont make it out

--Good lord,Lucas. Youre sounding just like Wheeler now--She says,exhasperated--But dont you want a happy ending? What Will you do when you get your victory?

Lucas sighs,feeling childish again. Jesus, he hasnt thought about it yet--I- I didnt mean to- Do I really sound so....

《You used to say live and let live

(You know you did)

(You know you did)

(You know you did)

But if this ever changin' world

In which we live in

Makes you give in and cry

Say live and let die

Live and let die》

--Bitter?--She asks and He nodds-- Yes, you do. I have no doubt Wheeler knew of the chemicals, something seemed off with him

--Yeah...yeah he did sound off--He answers--He sounded so certain that he wouldnt come back, the day he took me out for my first beer-Right before deployment, He told me to never forget I was the best of our Group- Even when they kick the bucket. How wouldve he known?

--It was an army operation,and he was a damn good soldier

--Do you think...he got an offer?

--Most certainly--Jane agreed-- Knowing him he probably said no.

Lucas sighs with relief,messing witt his hair as his head hangs low at the mild scare he got from imagining his best friend working for Mayer, or its predecesor.

At least Wheeler was on the right side of history-- Probably yeah, i- God, this is so insidious

--Make Wheeler a favor,forgive yourself, Will you?--She says, patting his back-- He wouldnt hold it against you,ever. He loved you like a son, he wouldnt want you to suffer,and neither do I

He chuckles-- you know me a lot more than I know you

She smiles with that bittersweet look in her eyes--Yeah,he never shut up about you-You were the great Lucas Cole,promise of his platoon

Lucas snorts--He was big on hyping me up- All the damn time

Jane rolled her eyes--Oh he'd sing only praises about your aim,your kindnes...and all the dumb shit you did

He laughs loudly, taken by surprise. Its a warm,nostalgic laugh--Hah, im sure he did

Silence falls,the wind blows and the mist thickens. Between them they stand there,reunited.

Above them the Sky is starlit and clear, the music from that one house now a mere hum, the street is barren, and theres an air of privacy,of domesticity to this moment of sincerity.

The nurse figures its quite late now,she turns to the Man she sees as her surrogate Nephew and says--Need a place to stay?

--I can sleep in the van-

--Nonsense, itll fuck up your back--Its so weird to hear an old woman curse-- My son has left the nest a long time ago,my husband is well asleep- I can tell him tomorrow

He snorts-- youre too sweet-- he sighs and nodds,he could use a comfy bed--Fine, cmon ill drive you there

At Janes house,Lucas is guided to the barren bedroom of the place. The beds comfortable and warm, and with his heart and soul a little lighter, he can rest.

The house is quiet, the room is small and cozy-It has the outline of his old room back at his family home...it makes Him feel cozy,safe.

Next morning introductions are made,the ex soldier meets his host's husband, Jared Lawson. Both men get along quite well, specially when Jane tells her beloved who Lucas is.

Its nice to have people he sort of knows,he feels...welcomed,at home, and Jane is a great Cook so he gets not only a hearty breakfast but also some snacks for the road.

--You and Wheeler eat like damn starved hogs-- the nurse teased, seeing her guest inhale a Plate of Bacon and eggs.

Sheepishly,Lucas shrugs and keeps eating.

Just as hes ready to leave, his heart aunt stands there with her cream dress,her red cardigan and her crimson bandana holding her black hair in place. She unties it and her hair falls in beautiful Rolling waves.

--lean down ,Lieutenant

‐-Yes ma'am --He says,and leans to eye level. She Gently curls his hair into a bun and ties it with that red bandana.

--Red's a good luck color in China, now you carry a piece of me with you.

He chuckles,feeling his eyes get misty already--Ill come visit once everything is done, maybe ill even bring a hot wife and kids for you to meet

She laughs--You better, I want to be an aunt for Real

--Am I not enough Auntie Jane?--He teased like he was that shit head of a teen he used to be

--Hah! Asshole

They say goodbye with a good tight hug, and Lucas hops into his van and drives off. His spirits risen, his hopes high and his grin wide.

Its good to be reminded that youre not alone in things that feel like bigger than you. Just because his buddies are dead, it doesnt mean theyre gone

Jane is still there.

Wheeler lived on in his heart

Perhaps he can start the work in forgiving himself.

And as he watches the Rolling mountains of Oregon,the beautiful trees and Lakesthat frame the road he goes through, and under that blue skies

He decides to at least try to be Kinder to his mind and soul,and that young soldier that lives within him.

[sieglinde-freud]

for the ask game: 2, 4, 5, 9, 17, 24, 29, 35

OOHHH THIS GONNA BE LONG under cut immediately

2. Least favorite main title?

i think this may upset some people but just of the games that i have finished (i havent played or finished every single fire emblem game… i know i know bad fan shut up) it’s prooobably fe7??? not because it’s bad. i do love that game. i just love it the least of every other game i played? i love all three of the lords a lot!! theyre just not my super favorites. i like the story fine, just not as much as other games. the gameplay is alright, but i dont think it’s anything to write home about. it’s a perfectly average fire emblem game all across the board i think. and that’s probably why i dont think about it too much? though, admittedly, ive only played through it fully once and that was like. five years ago? i could give it another run. i never did try hector hard mode, tbf… also huge shoutout to my lovelies sain and serra i love them so much…

4. What games do you wish to play next?

i dont know how often i mentioned it but i had a computer a while ago that just stopped working. like completely. the hardware is fine it just stopped functioning properly and ive taken it to literally every tech place and handed it to every computer junkie friend i have and nothing can fix it. and very unfortunately, it broke while i was in the middle of playing path of radiance. i dont really have anything else i can emulate it on right now, but if i could it’d be that. and of course, radiant dawn right after :)

5. What games would you reccomend to someone new?

toss up between 7, 8, and 13. they all have their strengths and weaknesses as entry points, but theyre all fairly simple in difficulty, and 7 and 13 were entry points for a lot of people who still love the game today, so theyre pretty easy to reccomend. 7 and 8 are easily accessible being able to emulate on like. most things?? even iphones with little hassle. 13 was also, up until very recently, very easy to grab off the eshop. i guess if someone asked me now compared to last year maybe i wouldnt say 13 for that reason? idk. 16* is also an option though, if only because it’s on the switch and while fairly different from the main fire emblem formula, it is VERY good at grabbing attention. im biased because i have used it to drag a friend into fire emblem hell so. i know it works. personally i’d probably go 7/13, 8, 16*, {the rest} but yeah. those four. move awakening down if hardware is an issue.

9. Least favorite character?

IN THE WHOLE SERIES??????? man… i dont know i dont really dislike a whole lot of characters? i guess the first one that comes to mind is gilbert three houses?? i understand why hes like that for sure and can sympathize but i dont know. everytime that hes on screen i just frustrated. the fact that he treats annette the way that he does bothers me a lot even if i understand why, but then theres also the added fact that he only becomes story relevant to replace dedue, who was a MUCH better and far less ANNOYING character to listen to all the time. like why would you replace one of my favorite students/retainers with this stupid little old man who i really have no reason to be attached to? you cant even recruit him during white clouds! not to mention, hes force deployed with the most garbage base stats (THAT YOU CANT CHANGE. BECAUSE. HE WASNT RECRUITABLE IN WHITE CLOUDS!!) in one of the hardest maps in the whole game in a position you CANNOT EDIT. like just GIVE ME DEDUE??????? you know, the CHARACTER I TRAINED??????? god… anyways so its probably him. this felt good actually i dislike him much more than i thought i did.

17. How did you get into Fire Emblem?

this is really embarrassing actually but when i was younger i was really into kid icarus uprising (i still am but like less so) and i reeeally loved pit like you see me with inigo now? that was pit for me back then. and i wanted more of him but nintendo was not giving me any kid icarus content, so what i looked up his voice actor instead, and i went through a lot of medias just to listen to him (did you know antony del rio did this live performance of maroon 5’s “This Love” that’s actually way better than the original? look it up) (no i dont like adam levine) but the one that stuck the most was this silly little game… you mightve heard of it its called Fire Emblem Fates. and i saw silas fire emblem and i was like WOAHHH. HES CUTE and did a ton of research on the series, having only vaguely known of it from smash bros. bought birthright, having learned it was the easier of the two paths, and then i just. entire life changed immediately and i didnt even know.

24. An FE title you wish would be remade?

all of them in order, which is what they already seem to be doing! so, ideally, fe4 next? of course my bias would LOVE an awakening remake but i dont think thats fair to skip all the other games. plus, i think there are other games that need a gameplay overhaul more. …like fe4.

29. Avatars: yay or nay?

i cant fucking stand the concept of avatars in fire emblem. i like all of them as characters. i think robin, corrin, byleth, and alear as characters (i havent played shadow dragon and new mystery sorry kris!) are fine. but i hate how theyre all implemented into all of their games, to the point where the words “byleth” and “alear” are never spoken in their mostly fully voiced games. its so fucking stupid. and then you have writing problems, like other playable characters not being able to have meaningful and lasting conflicts with the avatars because you have to be able to fuck them when the games over, or even during the game in robin and corrins case. and also the weird incest that has to happen if you want your avatar to have familial ties? god forbid people who just think camilla or ryoma are hot have to justify incest to themselves and read some the dumbest fucking s support bullshit just to have their little otome romance. and then the plot bending around them? robin i give a pass because i dont think awakening was annoyingly centered on them (the grima thing was close but for the most part the focus stays on chrom and i think thats a good thing) but as much as i love these games, fates, three houses, and engage all suffer from being a little TOO player pandering. making your character a god? really? especially when the avatar takes focus away from other potential story drivers (xander/takumi, 3h lords, engage royals) and like for what? i like all of the “avatars” as characters. but the way that theyre used and what little that usage does for any positive story impact is just frustrating!

35. What’s something you wish Intsys would just stop doing?

avatars.

[thecherrygod]

i havent been into it for too long but im kinda surprised i havent seen a harrykim good ol classic florist and tattoo artist au

like yeah im not so sure how the logic of either of them being in those proffessions would work but im talking mostly aesthetics here

like. harry being a florist just. does something to me. like when kim is like he needs hobbies if you get the gardening gloves he suggest gardening is just very good. maybe its a bit of like instead of becoming a teacher first hes a florist first and stays there. or when he was a teacher they had some of a garden in there and he learned and then maybe got a part time job at a florist to support him on his teacher salary bc those usually arent enough. also i think he still has at least some of his adiction issues but not necesarily to the in game level (maybe amphetamines to be able to keep up with his lifestyle also maybe he grows weed but less relevant until later). and maybe he actually got to marry dora and is actually divorced here. working too much, not making enough money, and when back at home hes still an addict, maybe the relationship lasted more but still it never got good enough to keep.

and kim... theres a few options. either undercover just being on the tattoo shop somehow which is like. not the most sense making but still a possibility. or.. he never became a cop, either, got too disappoined by the system early on, noticed the injustice, but realized that it didnt matter what he did it wouldnt be enough. or he did join the rcm for a bit and then quit bc of that, maybe also eyes died in here too and that was the last straw for him leaving. maybe hes not necesarily the guy doing the tattoos, but more of the designs and piercings (i assume its a million times easier doing piercings than tattoos. i dont mean that it doesnt require a technique too tho but getting a needle through skin for a piercing seems easier than having the pulse to work on a permanent piece in someones skin with specific pressure with consistence, and if he was a cop and quit maybe he has shakier hands.... idk. i dont know how stuff like this works generally ngl. also idk. can you have a tattoo.. parlor? and do designs but not the tattoos themselves? id assume you can but no idea)

ok yeah something like that maybe. and also the shops are either side by side or right across the street. i can imagine harry walking through the tattoo parlor and looking at the designs and looking at a few plant based designs and liking them and just. going in. not exactly for a tattoo or anything but more to like. know how it is and maybe meet the artist and then he sees kim which i imagine with a lot of tattoos and piercings which is sort of whats fueling this at this point bc i wasnt gonna think about it for too long but now im too deep into it and like i imagine this kim as.. kind of distant as he tends to be, will try to hide the fact he was a cop bc at this point hes not proud of that, he just likes making designs while listening to speedfreaks fm, which you can hear from outside the parlor while walking on the streets, but he is cool, and if you talk to him he will talk to you, hes just maybe awkward but also he is kinda weird (which has harry like 👉👈)

and this was just going to be me saying "man i havent seen any of this" and instead i sort of made my take on it and it got longer than i expected. anyways!!!

[clatoera]

Ask game 42 & 44 😊

Omg hi bestie THANK you. You picked some like..deep ones.

42. What was the first time you remember feeling seen (by another person, a story, a fictional character, etc.)?

I think theres a few I want to get into. Ironically one of the very first characters I felt seen by like..in terms of related to was Katniss. It was the love of her sister. To me, when I read the book in my childhood, it was about a girl who loved her sister very very much. She changed the world for the love of a sister. The age difference was the same as my sister and I. It was a big deal to me. Also..My home town is very D12. It's literally an old coal town. Artist renderings, canon..they all literally look like my town. The woods around her were the woods around my place. I identified SO much with Katniss. My mom actually encouraged that further, when after I dyed my hair back to brown after years of trying to go blonde via highlights. She pointed out that it was probably my love of Katniss that taught me it was okay to have dark hair and that I could still be pretty like that. It never left me. It's ironic as I revisit that here on this blog at 25.

The other time was more recently with the musical Hadestown, the main character, Eurydice. She is so so independent and closed off and every single bit of her character. I remember sobbing the first time I heard her songs and saw this show. Even in the last year, I cried the drive home from the show to a guy I was with at the time like...thats me. That girl with her hyper independence, who moves every year, who has noone but herself, who only trusts herself..thats me. I relate SO much to her. SO much. Thats why Hadestown still holds such a place for me.

44. Who or what are you missing right now?

Honestly. I'm not saying this for pity, but it would be easier to say who and what I dont miss. I miss everyone I love. I liv e 6+ hours from most of them, 17+ hours from the rest. I havent seen anyone since like..god I was home for a wedding in October? I don't get to go home for holidays, I don't have vacations or time off or anything. I miss my mom and my dad. My baby sister and baby brother (they are 21 and 17 far from babies). My aunt and my three little cousins. I miss my childhood best friends who are married and having kids, I miss my college best friends, I miss my pre-clinical medical school friends. I miss everyone. My only friend in this town is leaving literally today. I live like..a very isolated and lonely life physically. I study a lot and work a lot to fill my time, but it DOES get lonely! And thats okay, thats why I acknowledge it. I miss everyone I love. I also miss my home city in PA. I also miss Florida where I went to school. I miss the sunshine and the beach. I miss studying outside, I miss the tan and the freckles I had. I miss my favorite restaurant back home, and my favorite back at school. I miss late night car rides with my best friends. I miss going to my home town diner at 3 am with my dad and sister. I miss living down the road from my aunt, able to just go to dinner with her whenever.

I miss most things and almost every single person I know. Yet we persist.

Thank you so much!! this is so fun!!

[starseverance]

aW thank you for the compliment about the emoji choice! i know it might be a small thing but it geniunely made me smile :']] and thank you again for letting me talk about it! i dont really have anyone to talk to about this because id probably just get called cringe anywhere else lol

ive been a fan of an anime called my hero academia for long time now, and about 3 years ago they introduced a character called hawks/keigo takami. ever since i saw him i was in love, but i expected it to go like any other character i liked where id eventually settle down and move onto a new one. but he was honestly really different than the others to me. all the scenes ive imagined, the fanfics ive read, audios ive listened to, ive just never stopped being so smitten. and only after 3 years i find out about something called a f/o, and the title just feels so right. i have never been able to express how much i love him to anyone, or if i did i had to tone it down to just "yeah i think hes cool."

ive only had a relationship one time and it didnt turn out good, but ever since ive known about keigo i just havent felt any strong romantic connections with other people. its just been him, i mean theres a few characters i fall for but not like him. he brings me so much comfort and i just feel at home. he also helped me get over my insomnia, i get so easily relaxed thinking about being able to lay on him and feel his soft feathers of his wings against my skin. keigo is like the puzzle piece that completes me

though the only bad thing about it is i do get geniunely upset and jealous when i see art of him being shipped with endeavor (anotjer one of the characters from it), i sometimes feel stupid for it

sorry this ask is so long, ill wrap it up now. thank you for letting me talk about him!! it means a whole lot to me <3 -🪶

Hi hi 🪶! I'm glad that you smiled, and I'm so happy that this can be a place for you to be open about your feelings!

I so get what you mean by not expecting for him to become such a big part of your life for so long. Love defies all expectations, huh? I think it's so beautiful the way that we can make these connections, and how they make everything and everyone else just fade away into the background.

I'm not surprised that Hawks has been able to help you with your insomnia, those feelings of safety and comfort are unmatchable! Love is many things, but I think that one of those things is feeling at home.

I don't think there is anything stupid or bad about feeling upset/jealous when you see him being shipped with someone else. I believe that feelings have no inherent moral value; they aren't good/evil/bad, they're just feelings.

Thank you so much for the ask, and for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me! :) I feel very honoured!

[tatoasting]

Okay I've been really focusing on the one thing thats going well right now that I havent stopped to think about all the other good things about my life right now so I'm just going to ramble about how good my day was and what it all means to me until I get annoyed at world and go eat dinner

So I went out tonight with my roommate to an event that I knew a work friend would be at, and we ended up spending all night with this work friend and their friend! It was a lot of fun, we went to a club, walked around a ton, and ended up at a pub playing board games. It was really nice, I enjoyed being out but I also loved spending time with these people. My roommate is my best friend, this work friend and I just clicked so well so fast, and this new person was just very sweet. We had a ton of fun playing pictionary and at the end of the night half-made plans to do this again but instead to invite them over for board games!! My sister also brought up a friend she made who would work well with the group and now we're working on making plans for the five of us to hang out!! And idk, making a cute little friend group is really nice and important and special to me !! I also love board games and so does Hollow and I told them that I would try to schedule one next time we're both in town bc I think it would be very extra fun and nice with them there !! Plus an excuse to invite them into my home where I will trap them for eternity >:3

Anyway so my social life is going incredibly well right now, I'm making lots of friends, I'm making lots of plans, and I have a lot to look forward to! I love that theres always someone texting me just to text me or to hang out! I love how well I get along with my roommate and that we do everything together!! I love that theres opportunities for me to go and do things all the time! I feel so free and alive for the first time in my life and its beautiful. Today was one amazing cheeks hurt from smiling day out of so many lately, and there will be so many more!! I am free of the prison that raised me and finally I know of labor that is fulfilling, I know of friends who are genuine, I know of love. Finally.

[ankhisms]

painfully aware of how my mental and physical illnesses make it feel almost impossible for me to function or exist at all in society

yes i have a diary now yes i am still writing this here bc im not home yet. my pain in my back and neck and hip have been worse and worse lately and ive been trying to just manage it and deal with it but my mental health has also just been a rollercoaster lately where ill be fine and then ill take a nose dive and have been genuinely really seriously suicidal and close to relapsing into self harm but i thankfully havent. right now im just thinking about how much it sucks that just no matter how hard i try people can still sense that theres something off about me and that i dont act "normal" in our interactions like at the end of the audition i had to talk to this like theater manager lady and the conversation was really hard for me to follow along and get through and it was clear that she thought i was acting weird and she asked me if id be willing to do behind the scenes stuff and i said something like well i like 25 miles out of town so i cant really come for backstage stuff on short notice and she was like well can you follow instructions and i had trouble responding to that because thats a loaded question for me i do often strugglw with the instructions people give me especially in environments like work ones so i said uh within reason and she clearly thought that was a weird response. it just all makes me feel so hopeless i feel like in the past with the theater i grew up in and the other one i acted in they like... they were aware of me being strange but the directors at least didnt hold it against me or get mad at me really for being not normal because they knew i was a good actor and i worked hard and i was serious about it and passionate about it and now i feel like people just notice that im not normal and think that means that they shouldnt have me in their production. but then it hurts to also think like. well what if ive just never actually been very good at this. for such a long time acting was like the only thing i ever truly felt fully confident in myself about and the only thing i belueced in myself about ive always felt pretty insecure about my art and writing even though i love doing those things just as much as acting but with acting i always felt like it was something i was good at or at least decent at it like i got lead roles the first time i tried to go to college i got a scholarship for my acting. and now im just like. what if ive just been total shit at this this entire time. what if someones going to just tell me straight to my face that im laughably bad at this and that its pathetic and that theres no chance in hell that i can ever be a professional actor. thinking about it all now its like man. the professors at that first college i tried to go to who tormented me and told me i was too ugly to get any roles and too emotional really fucked me up i think thats where this self doubt in my acting ability is coming from. because before that whole disaster i really did feel more solidly confident in my ability. and now its like. what if i really just suck at this and no matter how much i love it and care about it and put a lot of work and thought and effort into it what if theres just no chance for me and its all impossible. anyway im just rambling now but yeah. really doubt im getting into the show i auditioned for today