#theres nothing beautiful around here unless you go drive to see it

[valla-chan]

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[xavadak3davrax]

Is Forever Real or Some Fairy Tale Thing? / Fred Weasley

Prince Fred- Part 4

Fred Weasley x Fem Reader

Warning: Smut (18+), Explicit language, Angst, Fluff. Theres female receiving oral, there’s the sex part itself. (anything I might forget warn me please)

Taglist: @manuosorioh @itsbebeyyy

Summary: Things have to get complicated before they can get better. Will they both be up for such changes?

a/n: This is the last part of Prince Fred and I just wanna say thank you so so much to everyone who has been here with me! It makes me so happy so many people have enjoyed this. After this I think might write lawyer!George because that idea has been eating me up since I started Prince Fred. So if for some reason you would like to read that keep an eye out 😊 Also sorry for any mistakes! 

This is 8.8k words

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 

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y/n has been avoiding Fred. Fred hasn’t been avoiding y/n, he is being avoided by her, which he doesn’t like, not even a little bit. He has been trying to catch her attention, catch her alone but is wasn’t been easy. He’s also been doing this for a week, so his unsuccessful tries have been driving him up the wall. He wants to know why, did he do something wrong? Has he said something he shouldn’t? he’s completely lost.

Every time he’s trying to have a moment with her it seems like she’s always prepared, and never comes alone. She doesn’t come alone to his room anymore when it’s time to prepare his things. She makes herself accompanied by Martha. They’re the same age and for what he had seen for a few weeks now they have started a strong friendship. They both stay and no matter what he says or tries to do Martha never leaves y/n’s side, not even strict orders from Fred. Something about “we have rules to comply from Agatha your highness”, it always comes from Martha in a louder voice than he thinks he’d never heard y/n speak to him (not including the time a week ago where he had fucked her in the tub, but that’s besides the point.)

So all is attempts have left them standing alone in the middle of his room, or where ever he tries to get her attention. It also doesn’t help that he gets married in exactly a month time and every chance his mother, Molly, gets him alone is to prepare for the wedding. Stupid, goddam wedding, it will be dammed. His future eye has left with her mother to come back days before the wedding , and would think that was good, but Fred doesn’t think it is, because this whole thing is stupid and he only wants to have one person and one person only in his life.

y/n. That’s the girl he wants, we desires the most. He has had strong feelings for her for way longer than he thinks possible, and after what they both had that day it only got stronger and Fred wishes with all his might he could have her, cherish her and lover her for the rest of his life.

He could marry some princess from some far away kingdom without knowing, but people would think less of his for marrying someone they considered poor? His subject? All stupidity, utterly and complete stupidity. He was sure his heart was now beating for y/n, for her smile, the way he smile made his heart skip a beat every time she showed it, even if only for a brief second. Or the way he heard her laugh when she was doing her work and talking to her friends they would talk, say something funny and she would laugh graciously making his body tingle. Her touch, soft and gentle like her soul.  He knew her better then he was sure he would ever know his wife, the women he was meant to spend the rest of his life with.

“I don’t understand why you get to marry of love, and I have to marry out of it, mother.” Fred wished all this situation wouldn’t put a strain with his parents relationships but it was getting harder to not allow it to happen.

“Well, I don’t where that’s coming from my dear boy. If by now you would’ve settled with a gentle kind girl I would be more than welcome to her. But you decided to keep your love life on hold for way to long, you’re getting crowned in less than a month, you shall have to rule beside a woman who’s proper for it.” Molly said, taking in her hand her tea cup and taking a sip of it. It was just the two of them in the giant room. Arthur was way somewhere else in the castle taking care of important business.

“What if” the words got caught in his throat, was he really about to have this conversation with his mother? This could go either really bad or really good. He didn’t know how the last one would play out but he would like to see it happen. “What if there was someone.. you know- someone I found.” Fred had been avoiding looking at his mother, but now after he spoke this he looked her directly in the eye.

“Oh, well son, depends. Who is the this girl?”

“Does it matter mother, to you? Does it matter if she’s rich or poor?” Fred didn’t meant for his words to come out defensive but that’s how they came out. He didn’t even know where he got all the courage to speak of this, now more than ever, since y/n wasn’t even on speaking terms with him and what if she didn’t feel anything for him, then this conversation would surely go to waste.

“In my eyes it wouldn’t matter, my dear, if you love her then that’s all need.” Those words took Fred aback, so there was still hope? “Love is a very powerful thing, and you should not deny it ever. If you love that girl, then you should go for it.” Fred gave his mom a puzzled look.

“If you haven’t noticed, I am to be married in a month mom.” Fred stated, putting his hands on top of the table and crossing them.

The smile his mother gave him made the hope inside him grow. “Oh my son, have I not, in all these years, taught you not even one thing?” Fred just gave her a look. “If you love her, like you say you do, and for you to keep all this mystery from me, your own mother I can only imagine she’s no princess. Besides how could she be? Unless you had fell in love with your suppose future wife who you spent a total of five minutes with, all the time she was here. But I can make things work with your father. He loves you has much as I do and your happiness comes above all things. You marrying this princess has nothing to do with wealth, or business like we’ve said. We just needed to justify it to everyone else son. This is for image, we do not want you ruling without a woman by your side. You’re going to need her judgment, believe me I can see from your father.” The both laughed at that, and the smile on Fred’s face only grew. “It may make our image fragile for a while, for her kingdom at least, but nothing a good afternoon tea won’t solve. Has to out people they will love know the Prince himself had his eyes on a beautiful girl.

Fred blushed slightly, your face appearing on his mind and maybe his mind started to imagine a future with you. It had him feeling some type of way.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Fred questioned looking at his hand, a little embarrassed and then after a few moments looked at his mother.

“I am. At least you had the decency of telling me a month before the wedding and not on the day of the wedding. That would’ve been way harder to pull of. But now, if you don’t mind me asking, who is this mystery girl?”

“She’s… She is amazing. We met a while a go on one of my trips to the market.” He started, and then he went on for what seemed like an eternity sharing every detail of what he could and knew to be appropriate to share with his mother.

“I will speak to your father, it might take some work but we’ve been married along time and I know he will come around, now you son have a hard job to do. Talk to y/n. go find her and fix your mess.” Molly smiled, she hadn’t even finished talking and Fred was already up, he went around the table, kissed her on her forehead gently and then he was out the door and roaming the castle in search of you.

Since he was not in his chambers and not in need of your presence, he knew you’d be doing some other job Agatha had pointed out. He asked around, people barely looking him in the eye when they didn’t know the answer. But after a few good twenty minutes, or what felt like it, he found you, alone, in the stables. His head started spinning, he was lucky, not only had the conversation with his mother gone wonderfully, he now caught you alone?

You didn’t hear him approaching, since you were busy brushing Apple, his horse.

“y/n.” His voice startled you. You whipped around, eyes big and your hands started trembling.

“Your Grace.” You spoke quietly. You didn’t want to keep eye contact with him for long periods of time so your turned to his horse again and kept on brushing her.

“It’s just us, you don’t have to keep the formalities. I’m lucky finding you here alone, been trying to do that for what seems like an eternity.” He laughed, and hopes she would somehow join in, but was met only with silence. “I don’t know what I did to upset you y/n, but I wanna truly apologize for anything I might’ve said or done to keep you way from me. I- I miss you.” His voice came out gently. She kept silence for a while, she had no words. “Please say something.” He begged. He slowly approached her, trying to somehow not frighten her has if she was something fragile.

She breath in deeply, knowing what was to come would be harsh on her. “Ok, if you want me to say something on the matter I will.” She turned around and looked at Fred. “We can’t do what we did in your chambers. That should’ve never happened. Never. It was a mistake. You are to be married and she was in the castle waiting for you to be present in the meetings and we were fucking in your bathroom.” The vulgar language left her mouth and made her cringe a little. “Also if you haven’t noticed, I am one of your people, someone you are to rule over in a short period time, and I also work for you. We are not equals, we are never to be equals and I am never to be even close to what you are.”

“What I am?” Fred was confused.

“Yes, royalty. Or you think being born like you are is being born like I am? It’s not Fred. What we did was a mistake, a one time mistake.” y/n’s voice came out a little strangled, and she was holding in her tears. Oh how it hurts her to say all of this. To deny him. The man she didn’t know she would love the way she loves. He has her whole heart, right in the palm of his hand, and he knows it. But they can’t do anything about it.

“y/n please, please don’t say that.” Fred finally closed the space between them, his hands came to rest on her arms, very carefully. “I love you, and we can be together, my mom knows about us, she’s working for us to be together, Princess.” He had a sweet smile on his face and caressed her.

y/n felt the scariest feeling inside of her and her first instinct was to get way from him.

“What? What have you done? No, that can’t happen. You cannot go back on your duty as Prince. You can’t just let everything go because you were stupid enough to fall in love with me. That’s not how it works.” The words were harsh coming out of her mouth, and they left Fred very hurt but he wasn’t backing down from this.

“I am not stupid for falling for you, that is not stupid. Loving you, falling for you in such s short amount of time was the best thing that’s happened in my life. I am not ashamed of that, and it can happen. It can if you love me to.” Fred was sure he got her there. They loved each other, for sure what they had was a lot to speak on the matter, They were made for each other. Something Fred had read in some books from his giant library, about what some called soulmates. They were rare to find. He knew his parents were soulmates, and he was lucky to find his.

He was taken by surprise but what y/n spoke next. Some steps started to be heard behind him, whoever came in was not as silent had he had been to sneak up on y/n.

“I do love you my Prince, I love you has my ruler and the man I believe in to lead this country. I have faith you and your wife will take us to many great places.” y/n said, and then she pulled herself from his embrace, and the fixed her hair slightly and tried to compose herself when she saw a bit of black hair coming from behind Fred. Martha.

“y/n I’m sorry it took me so long. Have you finished apple? If yes we can move to the kitchen. Your highness.” She looked at the prince and then at y/n. y/n nodded, looked at Fred one last time and then walked out with Martha.

Fred was left there standing, alone and speechless. Tears coming to wet his red cheeks. He let his mind wonder for the last few minutes he had with her. And then he made up his mind. He wouldn’t let this take him down. He knew she loved him, he could feel it, he could see it. He had time, although ticking, he would give it all, to have her

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Getting y/n’s attention and fighting for her was proved to be harder than he thought. Every where he looked Martha was there and it seemed that since his encounter with y/n in the stables it seemed she now never left her side. So Fred had to resort himself to his mother, and ask her for some favors.

Had her give out some orders that would all of a sudden make Martha needed In other places. Jus so she wouldn’t always be close to y/n. Somehow, he still had some difficulty. Fred was staring to think of some romantic way he could make this work.

y/n had stopped working in his chambers, so it was hard to see her. When he asked for her, she was always to busy to come to him.

y/n on the other hand had taken many other jobs on the castle to feel in for not working for Fred anymore. Not much changed, she just didn’t get to see him everyday like she did before. She would lie if she said he wasn’t the best part of her day. She had also been thinking a lot about their conversation. She had gone home that day crying like crazy, and it was her mother who, even though she was very tired, had talked to y/n, and held her like she did when she was little. She had also made y/n understand that you cannot play with love. It’s not something you can deny they she had done. That’s not how love works, her mother had said.

Every little task she did around the castle never made her forget that dammed conversation. It was always there feeling every thought she had. Along with Fred’s touch, his moans and his face of pure bliss had he rode out his high, how she felt his legs shake underneath her and she felt so good, there, on top of him. Fred was y/n’s every constant thought. She loved him dearly, not has her prince. She loved that man and she wished very much she could’ve said that to him, but she would only ruin an entire kingdom with such words.

So she was doing her life the best she could, the days passing along and her mind trying to work trough this. She couldn’t leave the castle, she was making good money out of this. Leaving just because she was stupid enough to fall for him would be an even stupider decision.

This morning she had been doing laundry, she was putting it out in the bright sun to dry. She was doing this alone since martha was now requested a lot for other small things. She was humming along to the song she had heard the other day, some guard was singing it quite loudly. She didn’t have a smile on her face, but how could she? She had nothing to be happy about, only grateful. But those aren’t equals.

She felt a tap on her shoulder that scared her a little. It was a boy who worked with them, not directly with her, but he was in the kitchen and he was also the one who always left y/n the best left overs of food.

“This is for you.” He stretched a piece of paper to her and as soon as she took it in her hands he left, not giving her time to ask from who it was.

Her royal majesty The Queen, requires your presence for afternoon tea, at four o’clock in the greenhouse.

A paper from her majesty? For her nonetheless? She must be dreaming. She rubbed her eyes and then looked at the paper again. She was not dreaming. Did she even have a outfit that it would be appropriate to wear to tea with the queen? She was not working at that hour today, but would she have time to go home find something and come back?

She didn’t have the answer now but soon would figure it out.

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At exactly four y/n was there. The guards already knowing her well since she was always a bright spirit around and had left her mark there very early because of how nice she was, opened the door and she entered trying to make her presence almost not felt has she found the queen sitting at the top of the table.

“Your majesty.” She gestured towards the queen and when she smiled, retributed saying hello and pointed towards the chair she went to sit.

“I’m very honored about this.” y/n said with a small smile on her face as she looked at the queen, now sitting one her right side.

“Oh, dear, no matter, no matter. I wanted to talk to you. If you feel like I’m allowed.” She said calmly, pointing to the tea and giving y/n permission to serve herself. Knowing where this would lead and without knowing very well what to say she nodded so she could continue. “I know about you and my son.”

“There’s not much to know, your majesty. He is always very kind to me and I’m forever in his debt.”

“Well, if that’s so, then why deny him when he proclaimed his love for you at the stables.” With that y/n was taken by surprise. She knew the queen would know something if after all she was has close t her son had Fred had described to her on one of the many times she was preparing his things and he was his chatty self. When she didn’t answer Molly continued. “In this kingdom we value a lot of things. And as a mother I value my sons happiness above all. Now you may think this a big gesture for a queen to do for someone. Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m doing this because he hasn’t been himself. I’ve seen many moods on my sons face, and many emotions. But this type of sadness was never one. I want him to be a great king like his father. And my dearest y/n do you know what makes a great king?” when she shakes her head ‘no’, the queen continues. “A lot of things, but you have to be above all strong, willing to do anything at your power to protect your people. A king also loves. And a king without a queen is not ever strong. No kingdom is any good if only a male ruler is on the throne. He loves you y/n.” with this last sentence molly takes the girls hand in hers and squeezes it gently.

y/n shyly looks down at her tea who all of a sudden is the most interesting thing in the room.

“So much. He only told me about you a very short while ago. But after that it’s the only thing he talks about. And everyday since the stables he shares with me how sad and mad he is that he not able to love you. He wants to show it to the world, that boy, oh that boy is just a joy.” She had proud in her voice and a dreamy happiness that made y/n feel things in her heart.

“I rejected him because I thought it wouldn’t be ok. Being who I am.”

“Fred has told me you tend to underestimate yourself. You are powerful, you are strong, and you are beautiful. Just because you weren’t born into money doesn’t make you any less. Money doesn’t make a person. The character makes them. I didn’t invite you here to convince you choose Fred, to go to him. I want this talk to make you understand who you are, why you deserve happiness and that also if you choose to come into our family we will take you with open arms. My husband may not be present but he supports you both just as much as I do.”

“But his wi-future wife,” she corrected quickly. “won’t she be mad? That I took her place? That I appeared from somewhere and was worthy of your sons love?”

“Don’t you worry about that. We will take care of that. Now did this conversation made anything clear to you?”

“Yes, it did. Makes me realize that this is so much more than we see outside these walls. There is so much more love and companionship, and I don’t have words to say. Makes me realize that I pushed Fred way out of fear. Fear that I won’t ever live to the expectations so many other princesses can give him. Fear that he will stop loving me one day. I pushed him way because I didn’t believe anyone would ever actually accept us. And look at us the way I would look at us, being that we would be together. But after this I understand I’m welcome, I can come clean to myself and admit my feelings for him.” She was feeling hot all over her body given that she was feeling nervous and a little shaky. So it was true, she did love him, she loved that red headed, tall boy. With his cheerful personality, his bright smile. Oh how she loved that boy.

Why did she try to deny herself that night? Why did she, thinking all the way back to the first time she saw him, think she would ever be able to not love him whole heartedly, even if she were to never see him again. She loves him very much.

“I think he might be in his chambers if you wanna look for him. But first why don’t you finish your tea and we can talk a little more? You seem nervous.” The queen gave her a reassuring smile, took the hand she still had on top of hers and then went to take a sip of her tea.

When finished y/n politely excused herself from the greenhouse. She took the way she knew so well towards his room and then looked at the guards for a moment. They were used to see her in her working clothes, not a dress like the one she had now. “I’m here to see the Prince.” She waited for them to resist her, but she was met with instead with hem opening the door, announcing her arrival and then a figure of a boy with a very messy hair, very tired eyes and his skin very pale appearing in front of her.

He had no words.

She was here. Why?

From the face he made y/n assumed he didn’t know what his mother had planned.

“Come in, please.” He pleaded, and the made way. He closed the door and then stood there, like a lost little puppy, his hands in his hair and he looked at her hopeful.

“I just had tea with your mother.” She said, a little laugh in her voice, still dumbfounded by that moment. “She talked me into coming her to express my feeling.” She turned around to face him, since she had been facing his unmade bed.

“Oh” that’s all he could muster up to say.

“Yeah, it takes moms for us to be able to do anything in life no? My mom also gave me a very big talk, similar to you mothers, but it’s not like I can do what my mom says when bigger things are involved.”

“I think you should’ve.”

She laughed, taking a step towards him. “I’m late, but I’m here now, if you still listen to what I have to say.” He didn’t say any words but nodded telling her like that, to continue. “I didn’t mean anything I said to you at the stables. I do love you and I don’t think it was stupid of you to fall in love with me, because then I should be stupid to for falling you. But I was scared. You have to understand where I’m coming from. That my mistakes will not be covered up like yours. My decisions have bigger consequences than yours would have. If I would’ve said yes without knowing anything else besides your love for me, I- I would’ve done it any other time. But I had my life on the line.” She admitted, a little hurt with herself for being to sincere and ending up coming to the realization that she might come out rude.

“I understand completely.” He wanted to move next to her, hug her and comfort her. But he felt at the same time that would be risky. So he waited until the situation presented itself.

“I love you and want you to know that the talk I just had with your mother didn’t make me realize that. I knew that, from the beginning even without knowing you I knew I would love you. You… you’re you. It just made me realize that I have your parents support on this, that I will not be an outcast.”

“I would’ve stayed with you with or without their support.”

“See, Fred,” she got even closer to him, it was her who touched him this time. He felt the tingles in his skin, from her touch, even through the lair of fabric he had. “That’s not how it should work. They’re your family and the most important thing. You also have a duty to a lot of people. I would not allow you to choose between me and your family, it’s not fair. But they chose me to come into your family, your mom gave me full permission to declare, proclaim myself to my love.” She tried to joke. Fred let out one of those nose laughs and took that as his chance to take her in his embrace. He hugged her so tight that she felt for a moment she couldn’t breath.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, my prince. For this life, and the next, and for as many lives as you’ll have me.”

Many would think that it was a small window of events that took them to fall in love. That in such a short amount of time it couldn’t have happened. But it did. They fell in love with each other, hey got to know the real people behind the masks. Fred got to realize that settling down was actually possible and that he wouldn’t mind this life after all.

She got to realize that she deserved to be loved, that she can achieve more in life that what faith had initially put out for her. That she had so much love in her and she couldn’t wait to share it with boy she hugged. The boy that made her, his forever.

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Everything has been going well with y/n and Fred. They have been going on so many dates together it’s actually amazing. On the first time after she proclaimed and accepted her love for Fred, he took her to the royal gardens. He had asked for some food to be made and they had a picnic. He waited till she had gotten of work to take her and then they stayed there until very late in the night.

The next time they had a date Fred took her riding. y/n had proclaimed her love for Apple, his horse, and so he saw only fitting to take her on a ride and let her have Apple for an afternoon. Only one, seen as Fred also loved Apple very much. They laughed it off.

Those were the two most special dates. But such thing even existed with Fred? Only two? He made sure every date was memorable. That she would remember every single one.

Behind the scenes his parents were working on negotiations with the Queen and the Princess. When finding out about everything they very fast made they’re opinions known about it. They felt betrayed and demanded the wedding to still happen. If that was a way to make Fred be scared it hadn’t worked. Whether they want to or not, the wedding was not going forward. So his parents had been extremely busy coming up with ways to ease the situation.

Fred wasn’t just going on dates with y/n, he was also helping his parents with everything on top of still preparing for his coronation. But above all he always made sure he had time for his princess.

But the work also kept her way for long periods of time and so in those, that’s when he would be keeping himself busy. Everyone around him had noticed the big change, Fred didn’t stay in his room all day. He would wake up early, go see y/n, since she was already working, and then he would go on about his day until she would be free to be with him.

y/n would spend the majority of her nights with Fred. Her parents were not very happy with it at first but they came around. They understood she was no child, she was also hardworking and they knew she wanted to be with him since he also busy and so they didn’t see each other like other regular couples would do. But then again they were not normal.

“Can you please stop looking at me like that?” y/n had a smile on her face, her hands were behind her back tying a knot on her dress, or at least she trying to. These dresses they gave her to wear were much difficult to put on then her normal working dress.

“I just think it’s funny, you’ve been trying to finish that for ten minutes now, and I offered to help and you said no. If you had let me you’d probably be done by now.” Fred stated, hands behind his head, while he was lying down on his bed, only in his underwear and legs spread.

“I will not accept your help because the chances of ending up naked in bed again is big, and I promised my mom I would go with her and by her a dress for your coronation.”

Fred smiled brightly at that. She would be there, front row seat to watch him. With her parents who he would probably meet on that day since y/n thought any day before that would be too early. He had made sure she had money to by her parents nice clothing and he was making sure she would be the most beautiful woman ever. So he was working closely with the royal tailors to make her the best dress.

“yeah, yeah, miss always right, is right.” He stated, while getting up from bed and draw nearer her to hug her but she stepped back. “Oh come on, I swear I only want to help, you need it.” He tried to hide the smirk on his face but it was almost impossible. His tall figure came up on y/n and he pus his hands on her waist to turn her around. he took her hands out of the strands and put his. His head came down to her neck where he left tiny pecks and kisses, feeling her skin tingle and a little laugh came out of her.

“You said you would help.” She warned, putting her hands behind again but this time to rest on his arms, squeezing them.

He murmured something inaudible before he finished what she was doing and then turned her back around to kiss her fervently, hands on her waist pulling her as close as he could.

“I love you. Tell you mom I said hi.” His arms left her waist to come around her neck and letting her face go straight to his chest, where she inhaled his flowery scent.

“I will. I love you my Prince.” They kissed each other and with one last ‘I love you’ from Fred she was out the door and onto her little adventure.

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The day of the coronation was pure chaos. Fred was needed everywhere since very early. He woke up alone today which didn’t really help his mood. y/n had slept at her parents since a carriage was going to pick them up a few hours before, ad y/n wanted to enter with them. Although Fred insisted she entered with his parents. So he hadn’t seen her in well over twenty four hours, since yesterday she was very busy in her last day of work.

After today she would leave the work and be next to Fred. Not as queen, and not as a married couple (yet) but has his girlfriend. He wanted her to help him in important decisions, and envolve her more in this life. Because, like he had promised, she would one day soon be queen, and they would be married, and so he wanted her with him since the beginning of his reign.

So it was clear the other wedding was taken care of, and they would never be heard from again, not after all the work and problems they tried to bring upon the. But Fred and y/n felt it was early to get married. They loved each other very much, but wanted to keep it like this for a while, also Fred would have so much to do as king that a wedding would be something, they felt he shouldn’t worry about.

“Have they gone and picked them up?” Fred was in a little pedestal, and turned to the mirror while a lot of people worked around him to finish the last touched on his clothing.

“Yes sir, the carriage left a few minutes ago. They should be here any minute.” He knew with the carriage they would be here any second and he wanted to see her before he was taken to the big event. So the people that surrounded him started working a little faster, and when he was ready he came down of the pedestal, and went to another room where he was alone for a some long minutes, until someone knocked on the door.

“Sir, Miss y/n and her parents are here to see you.” The guard announce and then pointed behind him with a gesture of his hand. y/n came almost running down to him. She was breath taking. The dress they had planned just looked amazing on her, contrasts with the color of her skin beautifully and accentuates her features in a staring way.

“Hi, sir soon to be king.” She murmured against his lips, hands in his neck pulling him into her.

“Hi Princess, I missed you. Haven’t seen you in a while.” He could’ve sworn this dress was only making it worse for him to take the sexual frustration he had built in him for the past day.

Her parents cleared their throats slightly, which made them separate and turn to them.

She proceeded to do the presentations, and from the shinny look her mother had on her eyes and the relaxes look her dad had, she knew they already loved him very much. Fred had spoken to her on some of the nights where they would talk and talk with no means to end, that he planned on helping her parents, but also help everyone even more than his parents did. He felt that still so much poverty existed, and he wanted to make sure people got the same opportunities and had better ones.

They couldn’t stay longer there. But just before they were to head out and leave Fred to prepare himself for the final minutes had Prince, y/n stayed behind for a little bit. Fred had his hand on hers and was kneading it a little looking at her with expecting eyes, since he knew the look she had.

The smile she made was mischievous.

“You better behave yourself out there, I have a special present for you for when we’re alone.” She let got of his hand, the promise hanging in the air has she left through the open door and left him standing there, words caught in his throat, hands now sweating and his cock twitching in his trousers. He was sure he was already forming a boner but didn’t want to dwell much on that thought given that of he would, an embarrassment was sure to happen in front of extremely important people, and probably the whole crowd.

Everything went well and by mid day Fred was now king. His parents now ‘retired’ has they liked to call it. By the time he hit his rooms he was tired, but felt so accomplished that the tiredness he felt was over come by a feeling of happiness.

Also how could he be tires when any second now his girl would be entering his room. He couldn’t believe he would be able to have her for as long as he wished. No more work she had to be at, at ungodly hours that would take her from him.

When the door opened and she entered, the beam on her face was huge.

“I am so proud of you, my king.” The words left her mouth with a little tease.

“I feel like, although I hate it when you call me anything major, king does sound very nice coming from that little dirty mouth of yours.” He put his hand behind his back, his posture becoming firm, instead of slumped over he was now tall and showing his dominant side. If y/n thought she could come in here and for once be in charge, she was very much mistaken and wanted to slap herself hard on the head for ever thinking that.

“And what will do if I don’t want to call you that? Or sir? Or if say you have no power over me?” her voice came a little louder than it usually came when they were in this mood. Was she defying him? Oh she was in for a treat.

“Well, I will make sure you are punished. But first I think I still have some type of present you so promised your king, am I wrong?”

Hearing Fred call himself king made her very weak and she had to close her eyes for a few second to come back to herself. She gave her the best smile she could and then turned around so her back was facing him and her hands came to undo her laces. Undoing them was way easier than doing them, that, she was sure of. The dress was soon on the ground and she was left and the most beautiful underwear he had ever seen.

y/n had made sure it was done precisely to her body, and also the color would be Fred’s favorite. A red, but not a bright red, but dark. It was something not every woman had access to. So for her to have such a piece on her, Fred knew she had been working with the tailor who had done her dress.

“So my naughty little Princess decided the best present to give her man would be the dirtiest most naughtiest lingerie ever seen?” She was going to turn around and face him, but he came up on her and pus his hands on her shoulders keeping her in place. “don’t even think of turning around.”

Her breath was uneven, her chest felt like it could burst. Just from his touch, and his voice along with the dirty words leaving his mouth, she felt tingles in her pussy, she felt warm and sticky and she needed his touch immediately. But she knew after what he pulled, that wouldn’t happen.  

“Do you also think I will let slip they way you smiled and made eyes at that stupid court boy? Few words and I bet you were hooked. You are just a little whore asking for attention.” His hands came down, from her shoulders to her arms, and then to her chest and belly, stopping just above her pantie line. “I can feel the warmth radiating from you, you don’t even have to speak, your body does that for you, just waiting to be touched.”

She nodded, unable to form any other words. While on of his hands came to touch her breast through the fabric of her bra, the other came inside her panties and he had barely touched her clit before she was restless in his hands and a moan was leaving his mouth.

“You have to be still and quiet, don’t want other people knowing some whore is pleasuring her king, do we know?” he pinched her clit between his thumb and index finger and the hand on her breast, left it, so it could come up to her mouth and shut it. Her hips kept moving, trying to find pleasure in it and get closer to Fred’s touch, since every time she had some it wouldn’t last long, he would take his hand way, leaving her wanting more.

His hand lowered a little to touch her wet slit and his fingers played with it for a little, the moans from her were sinful. He entered a finger, a moan now coming from him. His cock feeling strained in his trousers as the pleasure built in him. “so tight princess, even after all the times you’ve had my cock, you are still this tight. I keep stretching you out. Not complaining, love it when I can feel you stretch around my cock. You love it to don’t you?”

She nodded, and a little whine left her when fred took his hand out and seized any touch he had on her.

“I want you on the bed. On your hands and knees. Naked.” He added the last part when he saw her eagerly going to the bed still dressed. She stopped suddenly and started to get undress. Fred was also taking his clothes that now felt hot and heavy on him. He couldn’t stop looking at the beautiful woman in from of him. Was he a lucky, lucky guy to have her.

“You also have to understand I am in charge you shall not give me orders or provoke me. You knew we had an important day ahead and still decided to be a bad girl and get me hard before my coronation. Bad girl. But somehow I’m feeling extremely generous today and that my gift from you to me, besides this beautiful piece of clothing would be to eat your sweet little precious peach. No?”

y/n, now in the position asked, felt her vision go white for a few seconds, like it would if she just had a mind blowing orgasm, but this time still far way from it. She nodded violently, the need to turn around and look at him there, but she put an end to that thought before he changed his mind.

Fred came up to the bed, on his knees, his cock aliened with her entrance perfectly and he could just slip right in. But he wouldn’t do that just yet. Although that wouldn’t stop him from teasing her, his hand on his cock, sliding it all over her pussy, her juices messy all over her.

“Fred, please.” His hand came down to slap her clit, the friction made her scream, the little pain she felt overcome with pleasure. “My king, please.” She felt like she wasn’t there presently anymore. The pleasure so much, that everything felt unreal.

Fred laughed mockingly and before swiping one more time he got down in a position where he would be comfortable and on eye level with her pussy.

“Such a beautiful cunt my girl has. All mine, forever. That’s better than becoming a king. Having you has my play toy.” His fingers came to brush her clit, he put pressure in it. Is other hand on his cock, his movements a little fast, his breath showed that.

He took his hand out of his cock so he could plunge two fingers into her warm sweet pussy, both moaning deliciously at the contact. His other hand kept qorking on her clit a little faster this time. She was closing in on him, her pussy spasming at each thrust of his fingers. Her hands clenching the bed sheets.

“I fucking love you so much.” She managed to let out, her hips coming to meet his fingers. Fred looked astonished at the sight.

“Yes baby, that’s it, fuck yourself onto me.” She encouraged. The fact that he didn’t say it back didn’t bother her, not when he had to fingers in her, fucking her quickly and efficiently, and a hand on her clit. She continued to fuck herself on his fingers. She started to get very stiff, her body announcing her orgasm.

“Come for me sweet girl, give all you got.” He murmured, his mouth close to her and when her orgasm hit her, he took his fingers out and put his mouth on her mound instead prolonging her orgasm with his mouth and at the same time being able to taste her sweet nectar.

She was breathing heavily, her hands unclenching the sheets, her eyes still closed and the feeling of starts still around her. When she opened her eyes took her a few seconds to adjust and come back to him.

“you always do so good for me. It always amazes me.” He said. He was again on his knees, his hand on his cock, moving up down and gripping the head of his cock making his eyes roll a little. He watched as y/n got from her position and was now looking at him. Her nipples hard and a little red from the friction she had on the bed. She took her hand out to push his away and put hers there. It started slow, making sure to never break contact with him.

“Thank you, my love.” She murmured, coming near him to give a kiss to his lips. Not knowing what to do with his hands they ended up on her breast, he loved them so much, they were just what he always needed to comfort him at night when he couldn’t sleep.

His mouth was hanging open, his eyes now a little close and he felt his high coming to crash down on him. His hand on top of hers abruptly to stop her.

“I wanna come in you.” He stated, opining his eyes to look at her, and when she nodded he pushed her without force to the bed. So she was laying her back on the bed.

He took her legs in his hands and advanced towards her, putting her legs on his shoulders. He knew how much they both loved that position, he had the perfect angle to her sweet spot and it was when she was the tightest to him.

Didn’t waist a second to be inside her.

“Fuck.” Her legs trembled under his hold. He entered at once, without any chance of previous adjustment. She was contraction tremendly around him. Her hands coming to squeeze her breast for added pleasure.

“I keep telling you, you were made for me. You are my other half, we fit perfectly in everything.” He thrusted against her, again, and again and again until he felt her spasming again. “Touch you little clit for me, give it some attention, needs it too baby.” He smirked, watching closely to one of her trembling hands leaving her nipple to come touch her clit.

The pressure of it made them both moan. She felt all the tingles in her body all her nerves hitting with pleasure. Fred felt her close in on him, his cock feeling all the pressure and he didn’t have time to warn her before he came. Hard. He filled her up with his cum, white spurts coating her walls and it seemed like it would never stop.

His orgasm encouraged hers and her pressure on her little increased, so strong clear liquid came out of her, covering her thighs, Fred’s stomach and his thick thighs. His eyes widen, his hands clasping her thighs with force to help himself from coming again if that was even possible. He called her name, when he looked at her eyes were all dilated, she was rolling her them a little, concern hit him.

“Baby please, come back to me.” He let her legs fall, and still inside her came to rest his hand on her face giving gentle taps. The movement of his hips made her moan, she tried to push him way. “I’m sorry princess, so sorry, just need to know you are ok.” He said gently, and when a small smile came to her face, her eyes coming back to life he sight in relief.

“I-I’m good Fred, I’m good. You just- Just gave me the best orgasm of my life.” She stated, hands coming to rest on top of hers. “I think after all you came you might knock me up or something.” She laughed a little, followed by him.

“Wouldn’t mind that at all.” He kissed her lovingly on the lips and then proceeded to came out of her. His cum leaving her too since her pussy was still spasming a little.

He laid down next to her, pulling her carfuly to his chest and wrapping his arms around her. Managed to pull the silk sheets to cover them and kissed her forehead gently.

“Thank you. “ She started, her voice still a little moony from the event that happened minutes ago. “This was amazing,” she was speaking in little breaths. “but today itself was brilliant, you shall be a great king and I’m lucky you chose me to be by your side every step of the way. I love you” She looked up at him, his eyes a little teary because the words she spoke hit every right spot (soft for that matter).

“I love you so much it hurts, knowing that I can have you, that I can have both things makes me the happiest man on earth. I shall give you everything good this life has to offer, I love you, tremendously.”

That is how their forever started. Well, it started a few weeks back, but this was official, everyone outside the castle now knew about them. The knew the girl who stole his heart. They would be happy for as long has they both shall want, the starts up above would made sure of that.  

[violetnotez]

let's have more bois with pregnant s/os! 😂😂😂 Tamaki,Mirio,and Shinsou their reactions to finding out their gonna be daddies ( ˘ ³˘)♥

Omg yes anon, these boys would have the cutest reactions to finding out they got their s/o knocked up ❤️

————————

Hc: Pregnant S/O

Pairing: Tamaki x reader, Mirio x reader, Shinsou x reader

Also, I realized I should specify the ages of all the characters! Everyone will be aged up to like around 20-21 ☺️

————————

Tamaki

Tamaki has just finished patrolling for the day when he got a strange message from you, asking him to pick up some things from the market

That wasn’t particularly unusual, you would occasionally ask him to do so after work if he wasn’t too tired

But it seemed like you were trying to message someone else and not him-your message had asked “her” to grab “a lot of disposable cups”

You had also sent an image...Tamaki’s curiosity was too strong, his fingers clicking on the picuture instantly

His eyes gazed at the list, instantly recognizing the handwriting as your own. The list only had a few items, such as milk, flour, choclate...but then, at the very end, you had wrote something that truly threw his mind of out control

You wanted whoever you were texting to buy pregnancy tests

His anxiety instantly went through the roof-pregnany?! You thought you were pregnant?!? How long had you been thinking this?!? We’re you okay?!? Who was even with you getting you this stuff?!

He began to take a few deep breaths and focus his attention to calming his heart rate-something he had been practicing in order to control his anxiety

There had to be a simple explanation-maybe you were just helping a friend...maybe they were for Neijire and not for you...you had said she was going to be visiting you today

But then-you had mentioned your period was uncharacteristically late since it hadn’t came yet...and you two had been active recently-crap he needed to get home right now

Tamaki is usually a very cautious driver, but today, he was borderline speeding

He was just too wrapped up in his thoughts, trying to convince himself that it was all a misunderstanding, that you weren’t pregnant and it was just his anxiety making situations seem worse than what they were

He was itching to call you, but he was afraid of the answer you would give him-what if you did truly think your were pregnant?

he didn’t want to work himself up so badly that he wasn’t even able to drive-

no, he was going to wait to talk to you in person, that was the best thing to do

He came into the driveway, parking his car quickly, his duffel bag with his change of clothes and personal belongings long forgotten in the trunk

As he was walking up to the front steps, his mind racing, he heard none other than Neijri greet him from behind

“Oh Tamaki-san, your home from work quiet early! Slow day out there?” She chirped a little too cheerfully

Tamaki noticed the plastic bag in her hand, making him gulp-oh no, it had to be for you then

Neijire stood in front of him awkwardly, not knowing what to do

“It’s wonderful to see you, but um, Y/n-san is going through some things right now...she asked me to help her while you were out patrolling-she didn’t want to worry you prematurely...”

Neijire gave him a reassuring smile, handing him the bag

Poor Tamaki was shaking, his head hanging low-was it all true then? We’re you really thinking you were pregnant?

“Y/n-san will explain everything, but whatever happens-I hope you both are happy!” She grinned, giving Tamaki a quick hug and a cheerful goodbye as she jogged to her own car

Tamaki shakily opened the front door, too terrified to look in the bag

You came bounding down the hallway, your hair tied back loosely

“Neijire, I can’t thank you enough for- Tamaki!” You gasped slightly, not expecting to see him in front of you

You instantly ran to him, noticing how pale he looked-he honestly looked like he would pass out

“Oh my god, are you okay?” You asked, your voice full of concern as you took the bag gingerly from his hands, sitting him on the couch

“Is it true?” He asked quietly, his voice timid, “that-that you think your-“

You sighed, taking his hand in yours. You had realized too late that you had sent the message accidentally to him, too terrified of his reaction to call him after the mistake

“Well, yes, I think I might be-be pregnant...but I don’t know for sure...theres really only one way to find out.” You gave him a small smile, trying to be reassuring

you were freaking out on the inside, but after seeing Tamaki look so terrified, you knew you had to be the one who was strong for the both of you

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” you apologized, your hand finding his, “ I didn’t mean to hide this from you, I just didn’t want to worry you unless I knew for sure,”

“I-It’s alright, I want to be here for you when you find out...I-it is potentially our child after all” he said quietly, rubbing his thumb against the soft skin of your hand

You gave him a quick kiss, smiling reassuringly as you let go of his hand, taking the bag Neijiri had gotten for you

“Well-lets go find out, shall we?”

Tamaki had waited outside the door as you went to the bathroom, coming in once you went to check the test

You were honestly too scared at that point to see, so you had asked him if he was up for checking it for you

He was terrified as well, but as he was waiting, he began to think about the situation-he wouldn’t mind having a child with you, he knew one day he wanted to settle down with you and make you his for the rest of his life

This would just be a step towards that, right? He loved you with all his heart, and couldn’t think of anybody else having a child with-apart of him was hoping for it to be positive, wanting nothing more to be a father to the life you two had potentially created

His hands were shaking as he took the test in his hands, seeing that there was two little lines, meaning you were, in fact, pregnant

Poor Tamaki’s emotions finally released, tears streaming down his face quietly as he hugged you close-you were so confused, but apart of you already knew the truth

You were now crying as well, both of you complete messes as you asked him repeatedly what the test said through hiccups

He just knelt down, kissing your stomach as his arms wrapped around your waist, hugging you close

Mirio

It was a pretty normal day for Mirio-he got up, did his usual work out routine, and then got himself ready to go on a date with you later on in the day

You two had decided to go get lunch at a quiet little cafe not to far from both of your apartments-you had also told him you had something “important” to tell him, which also kinda got him excited to here your news

He was hoping it was something positive, because when you had told him this over the phone the night before, you sounded pretty nervous, but wouldn’t reveal any other details

He drove into the parking lot of the cafe, instantly recognizing your car in the parking lot, making him smile

He found you at your favorite booth, looking down at your phone, until you looked up and smiled as you saw him walking over

He loved your smile, it was always so bright and beautiful-but something about it was different today...you almost looked nervous

He doesn’t pay too much attention to it, you did say you had news for him after all, maybe you just had some jitters

“Hey, sunshine, how are you?” He asks cheerfully, bringing you into a tight hug

“Well that’s strange,” he thought-you usually always squeezed him super tight, but today you almost kept him at a distance, like it hurt to hug him

He pulled away, staring at your face in worry-“You doing alright, babe?”

You shrugged off his worry quickly, not wanting to bring attention to it-“Oh it’s nothing, just-well, my chest has been a little tender but it’s fine,”

He knew something more was wrong, but as much as he wanted you to say what it was, he knew you’d tell him in your own time

The rest of the date went as your dates usually always went, you both talking happily about your lives with Mirio making you laugh occasionally

He did notice some things were different about you-you seemed to be really cautious of what you ate, asking if anything had caffeine or excess salt in the food. Your face, even when you laughed, was always somehow knitted with nervousness

He also noticed that your chest had been looking a little larger-he didn’t mind at all, he loved your body no matter what it looked like, it was just-strange to him. You also would sometimes rub your hands on your stomach below the counter, thinking he wouldn’t be able to see

It was all so peculiar to him-it made him really wonder what was going on that was making you act so differently

He reached his hand across the table, placing his larger hand in yours

“So-what exactly did you want to tell me?” He gave you a bright, reassuring smile, his heart aching slightly when you looked down at your lap

You looked so scared-were you okay? He started to get nervous himself-maybe something terrible had happened, like you were sick, or hurt

He just wanted you to tell him-whatever was going on, you would get through it together

He gave you a reassuring squeeze on your hand-“You know you can tell me anything, right?” He asked quietly, that bright smile still on his lips “Nothing you say is going to make me judge you or turn away from you-you can always trust me.”

He watched you take a deep breath, your ribs rattling slightly from the nerves

“Mirio-I-I...” you stuttered, “I’m pregnant-with your baby.”

Well SHIT HE DIDNT EXPECT THAT-

He may or may not have yelled out “Pregnant?!?” A little too loudly-he just wasn’t expecting that

After you shushed him to be a little more quiet, he lowered his voice some

“Whoa-pregnany-are-are you sure?”

You played with your fingers, the nerves still set in your system, “Yes, I-I has a feeling... some I may or may not have taken a whole box of tests a few days ago. And-and they all came back positive.”

“I’ve been wanting to tell you, I just didn’t know how or when or where- it was just so sudden.”

“I know we didn’t talk much about starting a family, Mirio, but,” you asked timidly, his hands still in yours, “what do you think about it?”

Mirio sat quietly for a few moments-he knew this was a huge thing, bringing in a child into this world. It was true you two hadnt talked a lot about starting a family, it wasn’t on either of your minds since you two were so young. But, he loved you too much to walk away from you and his child-it would be completely wrong for him to do so. He didn’t want to either-he loved you and this child you two had created.

His rough thumb brushed the skin of your hand, the sensation soothing to your nerves

“It’s all your decision y/n, but I love you-and this child we created. I’m would be excited to be a father!”

Shinsou

Also I’m tired and I’m pretty sure I spelt him name wrong THE ENTIRE TIME IM SORRY

You were wrapped up in Shinso’s body, your legs intertwining with his

His body was warm and comforting, his heart beating strong in his chest

You felt yourself beginning to wake up, soft sunlight flitting through the curtains of the room

It didn’t help either that your leg and inner thighs were killing you-you and Shinso were active quite a lot, but last night had seemed to really become a toll on your body

You groaned, snuggling yourself closer to him-he was so comfortable and gentle when he was sleeping

Shinsou seemed to had woken up slightly too, his hands petting your bed tossled hair

“You doing alright doll?” He asked huskily, he voiced still sounding sleepy

“Yeah,” you sighed, snuggling closer to him, “just-sore.”

“Aww you poor thing-but I didn’t here you complaining last night though,”He chuckled, placing a kiss on top of your head

You pushed yourself up, making yourself able to look into his lavender eyes as you laid your head on his bare chest

“Well I didn’t say that,” you said, giving him a cheeky smirk- “Just you gotta be a little gentle-I still need to be able to walk the next day,”

“Wheres the fun in that, kitten? You look so pretty when your a mess under me...”

Your cheecks instantly turned a beet red, a small smile tugging at your lips

Even though Shinso was making you a blushing mess, you instantly felt an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach, something you had been experiencing for a few weeks now

A burning sensation began to fill your throat, and to your horror, you felt yourself want to throw up

Shinso noticed your face pale as it turned from adorably embarrassed to terrfied

“Are you-“ he barely got out until you leaped off his body, stumbling to the bathroom

You barely got near the toilet before you began to empty the contents of your stomach into it

Shinso quickly followed you in, throwing on a pair of his boxers he had left on the floor from last night

His heart hurt hearing you sound so sick, your back heaving into the toilet-he softly grabbed your hair, rubbing soothing circles on your back

He was just so confused-you had seemed fine...you didn’t show any signs of being sick yesterday or last night-so why were you suddenly just throwing up like there was no tomorrow?

You finally had finished, laying your forehead on the cold seat

“What’s wrong doll-you okay?” He asked softly, brushing your hair with his fingers

You nodded numbly, feeling dehydrated and exhausted

“This has been happening-kinda a lot...” you croaked out, trying to clear the parch areas in your throat

Shinso stopped you from talking anymore, worried you would hurt yourself and went to go get you some water

He came back with a blanket and a bottle of water, you drinking in small sips as you sat on the blanket

“So-this is happening a lot, right?” He asked, watching to make sure the color came back to your face, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

You nodded your head numbly- “I-I was scared to tell you...because-well-“ you sighed nervously, looking down at the floor-“I also missed my period last week.”

It took Shinso to let that information set in-you missed your period? Why the hell would that matter? But then he began to connect the dots...you two had sex quite a lot....you were having morning sickness...you didn’t get your period-oh shit

He states it very bluntly, but stutters slightly over his words-“Your-your pregnant?”

“I-I don’t know for sure Shinso...but I have a feeling, just everything adds up to that,”

He’ll curse under his breath, sitting for a second in silence-that was such a huge piece of information for him to process

A baby was a big deal-you two were bringing in a new life into this world...he would be lying if he didn’t say he was terrified. It wasn’t under the best timing, you two never discussed having a child so soon...but he loved you. It was as much his baby as it was yours, and he would never just walk out of yours and his potential child’s life just because he was too scared.

He would do anything for you-that included welcoming this new child into the world with you

“Okay, I believe you y/n,” he’ll finally say, his bright purple eyes boaring into yours, “we’re having a baby. Let’s figure this out together, alright, kitten?”

—————-

HOLY CRAP THIS TOOK FOREVER SORRY

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ��� instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Trophy Chapter Eight

Masterlist

You become confused and start to question your feelings whilst Henry tries to be romantic but Stephan manages to fuck things up.

Warnings: Obsessive Behaviour, Implied Smut, Mentions of Murder, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Torture, Dark themes, Yandere, Swearing, Daddy kink, Spanking threats, Angst?, Violence, Dark fluff(even I don't bloody know)

A/n: its quater past 11....I should be sleeping...my cat is littarily meowing at me to got to sleep but im not so here have chapter eight!!! so this chapter is mostly plot no smut unfortunately but the next one will be 1000٪. I have finally finally got the entire plot to this fic finished and written, I actually have some scenes for the next three chapters done to! But as I said mainly plot I intendedthis to be a little confusing from y/n perspective I want you to get a sense of what y/n is going through juggling her feelings and all that apart from that I really hope you enjoy this one xx

Taglist: @havenoffandoms​ @aphrodites-punch​ @charlieferret​ @thatgirly81​ @two-unbeatable-beaters​ @fitnees-motivation-2020​ @viking-raider​ @iloveyouyen​ @black-ninja-blade​

Gif not mine but the divider is xxx

Stephan was at a loss, sitting in the cheap b and b room he rented, papers strewn across the floral bed spread he had been going through his contacts agents. Friends. Investigative journalists. Anyone and everyone he could think of hoping someone somewhere would give him a break, a lead something anything! A way for him to distract Henry enough so he could slip you away from him. Fuck sake at this point he'd pull him in for a fucking parking violation just to get this barstard alone in a room for five minutes!! But no one was willing to help they were all in until the name Cavill was mentioned. He couldnt really blame them Cavill did two things to people who investigated him ruined them or off'd them.

Just last week another agent who'd been working undercover as one of the handlers of his prostitutes was found by the bay death by necklacing. A grusome death something he hadn't seen used in America before, usually it was a shooting or stabbing, necklacing was a brutal ,loud and mostly used in places like Africa and Brazil. Execution and torture all in one. It may be one of the cruelest ways to kill someone but it was in all honesty simple to do, hell anyone could do it which is why they couldn't pin it on Henry specifically, hands bound to your chest; in this case with wire and a tire full of petrol placed over you holding them still trapping them, doused in more petrol and set alight. Its a slow agonizing death that takes around twenty minutes, her screams would have been loud but no one in the area had heard or see a thing he bet they had and were just to frightened. He couldn't blame them he saw the girl before she'd been taken off to autopsy, agents; professional, trained to deal with anything agents,onscene were being physically sick from the sight and smell unused to this type of violence. The poor agent had suffered even before that. Autopsy showed she had been raped beforehand she was described as cut and torn up in the report, but they must have used condoms of some description as there wasn't any dna evidence. Or if there was it had been burned away like her charred skin, her body had been in such a bad way that there was nothing to go on. Without evidence they can't charge or formally question a suspect.

Safe to say everyone was shaken up, some left completley requested reassignment and all the ones who came before him were either dead of terrified of the man. Not only that word of Stephans fuck up had got out and he was now a laughing stock. Stephan was supposed to be a honey trap, go undercover seduce a woman of intrest to do one of two things one, prob for information, if she had some great! Stay and use it and If she didnt dump her move on to the next job simple Or two, find a woman to maintain a close connection to the target in this case that was you. It was believed that there was a connection between you and Cavill.

The mobster out of the blue was trying to buy a block of flats in a shitty area. Now Cavill owned property,  lots of property but never flats and never on that type of estate. He owned fancy restaurants and night clubs stupidly high class bars that had dress codes and the residential properties were allways four beroom three bathroom houses worth millions with fucking suanas and shit. Bottom line it was out of character and the man was trying to rush through the sale. The higher ups had hoped with the way he was acting; so out of character and flustered, that he would fuck up. He a mobster kingpin with litteraly billions to his name was trying to buy a building that was falling apart, in a run down poor area, wasn't for sale and was willing to skip negotiations and overpay... 

The only possible connection to it all was you. They knew Fletcher had dealings with Henry and knew Henry used the cafe for his smaller business meetings. That was the most infuriating thing they knew so much but they just couldn't prove it!. So Stephan was called in to see if you was privvy to Henry and his empire and if you was willing to be an informant. Simple. Until it wasn't and feelings got involved. He wasn't supposed to fall for you but he had and that had cost him the assignment. He was supposed to drop it but he wont, so he had to sniff around himself he knew Henry kidnapped you, he knew Fletcher set it up and he knew he was going to save you. With that in mind he decided to do something he never even dreamed. Stephan was going to go rouge.

Henry was content albeit impatient,  he waited at the bottom of the stairs waited for you his wonderful little princess. He had arranged a night out in one of his top restaurants, he figured now that you were here willingly he could begin to spoil you, lavish you with the luxury you deserved and you had been good these past days you deserved a treat. Tonight was about showing you just what it means to be his, the respect, the glitz and glamour. He was hoping that he could begin to sway you more, he knew you were questioning youself and him, his intentions and as you were questioning he saw a change you were more compliant. He paced slowly his head of security Luke was there beside him stiff as a board, Luke thought it was a mistake flaunting you around so early. But Luke could go fuck himself, Luke was not in charge and Luke should keep his opinions to himself.

Henry was begining to get tired of the mans bitching it was clear that his head of security had something against his sweet pet. It may have been the fact that Henry; seeing the bruises on your wrists after your escape that was definitely not made from handcuffs, had investigated and watched the security footage seeing the way the gruff man had manhandled you dragged you through the house after taunting you, thrown you into your day room on the day you'd escaped. Yes Henry ha found out and promised the man a grizzley end if it ever happened again. The only man to leave marks on your soft skin was him. Luke was bitter over the fact you'd escaped further then the garden on his watch, well thats what Henry put it down to.

"If you sigh again I will stop you breathing altogether!" He finally snapped over his shoulder to the man. 

"Sorry sir I just think-" Henry spun on his heel pointing at him.

"I dont pay you to think! I pay you to do as your fucking told! To protect our investments and you didnt! Incase you haven't noticed your on thin ice as it is, theres a line of others who would take your place in a heartbeat Luke so I suggest you start pulling your shit together unless you want an early retirement." The words were hissed a snarl he couldn't help the thrill that came from Luke's shocked fearfull look. Luke knew poeple didnt retire from his position, not the in the masive pay out and a sipping pinacolada on a sandy beach sense. The only retirement he would see is two foot wide and six foot deep if he was lucky. Henry watched steely eyes burning into the man before him, the guard finally looked away gulping nodding slowly.

"Y-yes sir..I will go make sure the car is ready" Henry smirked crossing his arms 

"You do that! Be the most usefull thing you've done all day." Luke cringed at that but could say nothing he simply left the house out towards the drive shuting the door with a quiet click. Henry shook his head as he watched Luke descend the few step of the porch. He was going to have to do something about him soon.

He pulled his thoughts away from the dark path they had traveled and glanced at the stairs again then began his pacing from side to side once again looking at his the rolex upon his wrist. You were taking your time. Sighing he turned again looking expectantly at the stairs. Its not like you had to decide what to wear he had laid it out! He had done the hard bit all you had to do was hair and make up. He grunted making another lap of his choosen pace route. You better not be up there pouting, if you were he was going to be very annoyed. Five more minutes. He decided five minutes then he would go check and if you was being a little madam and pouting he would blister you ass with the belt at his waist and drag you out anyway dressed or not. He moved finally standing at the stairs hand gripping the banister in a white knuckle grip hissing through his teeth. 

Then he heard it heels tapping on the marble floor slow and unsteady, you were coming. He held his breath waiting for you to turn the corner at the top of the landing. When you did he had to swallow dryly, you were a vision, stunning you were made to be on his arm there was no doubt about it. You made your way down the stairs trying not to topple over in the high heels, which you suspected he had put you in so you couldnt run. Well you could try but you have to unbuckle them first which would be a dead give away. 

You'll admit the dress was beautiful and comfortable considering how figure hugging it was. A deep royal blue velvet ,thin spaghetti straps and a low open back stopping just at the swell of your bottom, the front had a soft swooping neckline showing a hint of the very top of your breasts. It was a fine choice, henry definitely had an eye for these things. Every outfit he put you in since being here was always well thought out and this was no exception. You had to be careful tonight, he had provided a dress, stockings garterbelt even jewellery and some new lipsticks! but no panties. It made you nervous, it was one thing to always be around the house in skirts with no undies but to go out? You had to be wary, the small mercy was that it was a knee length dress so hopefully no accidents. However that being said with how form fitting it was and the way it pushed up your boobs there was more chance of a nip slip then a lip slip.

There was a complete set of expensive looking Jewellery that each had been packed in blank leather jewellery boxes and was presented on purple velvet. The necklace was three long strings of diamonds one a choker then longer to your collar bone then the final resting just below your dress' neckline the middle string holding one single large diamond in the center, the weighty rock made you dread to think of the cost and matching small dangling earrings and a bracelet...And anklet he had insisted you to be head to toe in diamonds. 

For your hair you had styled it up and away from your face in a sleek sophisticated look,your make up was light, you didnt want to go all out and make him think you were trying to impress him, although in some respects you did want to impress him but for now you would ignor that. You had settled for a light face of make up and one of your new lipsticks a dark nude shade between a peach and beige the last thing you wanted was for him to get angry about not putting in effort which was a real possibility with how the slightest things could trigger a mood swing.

You'd found the past week since you had....Assisted him in the livingroom something had changed, a subtle change at first. You found youself stealing quick glances and smiles at him, he had caught you staring a few times and winked making you flush and stutter. He still had his moments but it seemed your 'admission' of not wanting to leave and wanting to try to stay and fall in love with him had calmed him down significantly. Sure you'd been given a few punishments when he got insecure here and there. You had been finding yourself participating in all of the intimate moments he was forcing onto you, when you did things with him you could barely speak let alone think the throws of passion was an escape. To your own confusion and shame you now admitted to yourself you enjoyed him lathering you with attention it was becoming to easy to melt into his embrace, to tempting to kiss the man back and cuddle up to him as he soothed the burning prints he left across your skin. You were frightened at just how much you began to crave him and need him, you still tried resisting but it was few and far between. In reality you were giving in to him and you didnt exactly hate the change. despite everything it sill felt a little wrong to let him get his way but that bad feeling was becoming easier to ignore.

But don't get things wrong, you had no desire to stay here permanently you had just resigned yourself to it for the time being...You think things i  your...Relationship were confusing at the moment you liked the man but hated how this had all come about. You tried reasoning that your feelings were changing in some sort of survival technique or something. That subconsciously you had to pacify him, make him believe you was slowly falling for him so he wouldn't hurt you or the ones you loved. But at this point you wasn't entirely sure. I mean if that were true and you did this all for Stephans life shouldnt you feel somthing for the agent. But in reality all you felt was abandoned and betrayed by him, but it didn't hurt not like the loos of a friend or lover as you thought it would have. Maybe you was just weird? or maybe you didn't really love him? What ever it was you was thankfull for it as you could concentrate more on yourself and what you had to do to get out of this alive, sane and single. You were not falling in love with this mad man no matter what he did and said you shouldnt fall for it you shouldnt fall for him. But you were slowly realising that just because  you shouldn't didn't mean you wouldn't.

Henry's face lit up as you slowly made your way down the steps on wobbly feet unused to the heels that brought the top of your head up to his eye line. Seeing you struggling he smirked meeting you half way up the stairs linking his arm with yours. You flinched almost pulling back knowing you should but his grip was firm and you needed help. His voice was low and playful when he spoke.

"It seems you will need my help with walking tonight before you've even touched a drop of wine my love. Thats no matter, more of a reason for you to cling to me and I do enjoy you wrapped around me pet." You gave a quick glance, so you was in these ridiculous heels for a reason. You forced a smile letting go of the banister as he walked you down the stairs over to the door.

"You look stunning! I have the best table in the place reserved just for us but first" he moved spinning around you and just like a magic trick his hand appeared from behind him with a small ring box, he moved pulling up your left hand kissing the back of it. You shivered as he maintained eye contact feeling him smirk. You cursed yourself wanting to contorl your reactions but couldnt seem to. He spoke a cheeky grin his voice was playfull. 

"Here something to complete the outfit I wont have my little girls hands bare~" You gulped as he pulled back the lid of the small box revealing an obnoxiously huge rock sat embedded in what looked like a silver but was most likely white gold band. You tugged at your hand and winced when he dug his thumb in your palm tugging your hand out hashly.

"Daddy! That's to much-I'm not one for rings please everything else is enough. " He blinked his face dropping.

"You don't like it? Whats wrong with it?" You eyed him carefully and shrugged.

"No-nothing I just..." he interrupted you growling at you scowling

"You don't want it? I had it made for you and now you don't even fucking want it? I just wanted to treat you baby? You've been so good and now your going to start acting up? When I'm trying to reward you for being so good. Just trying to have a quiet night out with you, I dont have to take you out, I could fucking keep you here day in day out" You could hear it, that of hectic insanity. Frantic undertones. You quickly shook your head.

"No no I want it! I do want it I'm just worried...It looks...Ive never had anything that looks that expensive" you moved forward to him placing a hand on his chest rubbing slightly, youd learned fast that initiating intimate gestures help calm him a little.

"I-i'm frightened that I'd upset you if I loose it especially if we dance..We are going to have our first slowdance tonight aren't we? I was hopeing we could..Tho people will laugh I've never danced like that before." It did the trick he calmed blinking slowly then beamed at you.

"Oh little one thats sweet of you to worry about daddys feelings like that..But baby I wont be upset if you lost it Id just get you another one pet... Now come here and keep still like a good girl" you sighed in relief as he calmed down you cringed and twisted your hand as he tried to place it on your ring finger, his eyes flicked up to you in warning.

"Its...thats bad luck I'd rather not.." he grunted and took your right hand placing it on your ring finger. You shuddered as you realised it fit perfectly. He moved back placing one parting kiss.

"That is your first warning tonight, daddy doesn't want any games...You ruin tonight and I will be very displeased and you will not like the outcome" you nodded takig a breath.

"Y-yes daddy I understand...I'll be good" he gave a quick look.

"You better now lets go" you released a breath tho calmer he wasn't happy youd argued, disagreed you wasnt supposed to do that.

Henry playing the part of a gentleman opened the door to the car for you. Once inside he set off out of the gate, you shivered a little trying not to glance at him. He moved his hand to your leg patting it softly rubbing the soft nylon of the stockings he groaned subtly to himself as he continued down the road, you cringed a little moving to pull the hem of the dress down not wanting him to take advantage of the rising skirt and your bare pussy merely inches above. He squeezed lightly feeling you tug the fabric down under his palm cutting off the contact. He rolled his eyes biting his lip to stop the comments on the tip of his tongue. No he wont ruin this night before its begun, anything that happens he can rectify later when you were restrained and withering one your final treat. He licked his lips as he thought about the nights festivities and hopefully what the outcome will be. He was pulled from his devious thoughts when you wriggled uncomfortably still trying to get used to wearing half a set of underwear... And lets face it stockings and garter belts aren't exactly the norm any way. It was after ten minutes of sighing, huffing and squirming that he spoke pulling you out of your thoughts.

"Whats the matter little one?" you snapped you head to him and smiled going to brush him off he removed his hand from your leg wagging a finger.

"Ah ah come on no lying that will be your second warning and we aren't even there yet~" you closed your mouth giving him a heavy pout he rose an eyebrow letting his hand land back in your lap.

"Its...Well I've never...I'm getting used to the stockings...Never worn them before and its strange under the dress...especially not having any panties on....I'm covered but not " he through his head back and laughed as he pulled up to a red light.

"Oh love! you should have said baby...I thought you were having a paddy! I was getting ready to take you back home and tann your naughty backside with my belt." you snapped your head in his direction gulping knowing full well he would have.

"Oh little one don't be so tense..I promise tonight I'm going to spoil you this is a treat baby girl a night of fine food,  fine wine and even finer company" you smiled forgetting your underwear situation for a moment twiddling your new bracelet wanting to take your mind off things. You were going to try and enjoy the night try and forget everything just for one night. You smiled up at him shyly.

"I'm looking forward to it..But I get the feeling your taking me somwhere fancy and I've neve done fancy... think the fanciest place I've been is your house"he chuckled looking forward to the road cheking the lights then moved to face you.

"Our...Its our house pet you live there to now remember.. and don't worry I own the place so no one will say anything if you make a little slip up...Okay little one and if anyone does upset you ,you tell me straight away..I wont have my babygirls night ruined by anyone" you didn't want his words to effect you but they did, the idea of him caring enough to make sure you enjoy the night was sweet.

"Y-you mean it?" he nodded giving the lights another quick glance then focused back on you

"Of course! tonight is all about spoiling my number one! you can have anything you want and that includes a doggy bag of deserts to bring home" you smiled at him hopefully giggling.

"Deserts sound good! I'm excited now do they have cheesecake?" he pursed his lips thinking for a second wanting to prolong your cheerful mood.

"Yes, three kinds and I assume you'll be having a slice of each?" you nodded at him with a cheeky grin, Henry smirked at you leaning in playfully tucking his hand by your knee tickling the back making you giggle and squirm pushing at him. 

"Well my love three slices..Now that is a big ask and deserves a pre-payment I think...Three kisses should suffice" you grinned shaking your head at him and squealed as he leaned over playfully growling stealing three sweet kisses then leaned back in his seat , he was gobsmacked when youd followed him placing a peck against his cheek. You froze realizing what you did and jumped back holding your lips in surprize. What the fuck was that? He smirked moving the car into drive as the light changed. You righted yourself in the seat leaning back choosing to forget that little slip up. But still felt optimistic maybe tonight would be a fun night out even if it was with Henry.

YES! it had paid off, a few days he had spent watching waiting but finally there was movement. he had been waiting here at the main road leading to the mobsters house. Parked next to a motel mainly used by truckers who stayed overnight, Stephan quickly climbed to the front seat of the car watching as the Aston martin drove past him, not just any Aston martin Henry's Aston martin, the only custom db11 in the city. He quickly pulled his binoculars out to see...Fuck yes!...He couldn't believe his luck! you were in the passenger seat and dolled up... He took a breath you looked incredible and to his utter despair and confusion you looked happy?.

Henry stopped at the intersection Stephan fumed as Henry laughed at something you said then moved his hand out of sight making you roll your eyes and press him away playfully laughing he didn't pull back instead he quickly leaned over kissing you, and the thing that cut Stephan most was that you let him, you seemed to enjoy his attention. Stephan's heart clenched seeing you like that, you were supposed to hate him...You were a captive. You couldn't possibly like the man could you?. He shook his head of course you didn't a mad man like henry? you were playing a part, hopefully a part that you could retire from tonight. He flicked on the ignition throwing down his binoculars if he could follow you both...If he could get in he had a chance, could give you a chance to escape! he could save you.

He took a second watching again as you moved you were smiling giving him a quick peck, he couldn't bare to watch anymore he closed his eyes gripping the steering wheel tight swearing. Could he be to late? He loathed to think of just what he had put in your head what he could have convinced you to do. The light turned green and car pulled away, he waited a few seconds then pulled out making sure not to be to close or be caught by the lights. It only took the disgraced agent around fifteen minuets to realize where you were being taken. It would seem Henry was taking you on a date? trying to romance you, wine and dine you but then what? there had to be a reason, and ulterior motive. Stephan held back watching as the Aston martin pulled around the front of the hotel, Henry exited the car and walked around holding your door for you. He felt a rush of anger as Henry helped you out of the car then tossed the keys across the car to the valet. Stephan stared gulping, you really did look amazing even if you were struggling to stand in shoes he knew you wouldn't have been caught dead in if you had a say. He must have forced you in to them, so he could have you wrapped around him, leaning and clutching at him as you wobbled about unsteady. His blood boiled as Henry moved offering you his arm when you took it he felt..betrayed almost asking himself if you were worth it now, it looked like Henry had got to you. He seethed watching you climb the few stairs to the hotel entrance linking arms with your captor ,you looked up at the mad man smiling nodding as he spoke completely at ease.

Something was very wrong with this image, a kidnapped woman going out on the town with her kidnapper? on what looked like a romantic date?. You hadn't seemed like one of those shallow golddiggers who'd do anything for a bit of bling or money, but Stephan couldn't help but wonder to himself at that point. You looked happy if not a little nervous? shy? you looked like a love struck teenager. But Stephan couldn't help himself he couldn't doubt you, you needed him to get you out, to save you. You needed him to try. He moved pulling the car around the back, thankfully as this was a hotel people were coming and going all the time so it'd be easy enough to get in, he was coming for you. Tonight he will save you and it will look like nothing more then a lovers spat! a perfectly realistic situation that would have no repercusions. Once he had you, you could testify against the mobster and this would all be over. Henry would finally be behind bars where he belongs.

You took a breath seeing the long line of people waiting to get in the restaurant each in expensive looking glad rags,you tucked your head down akwardly as Henry strode past the long line of people each making a fuss at the two of you. Some did not knowing just who the man on your arm was. Henry cut to the front interrupting the guest at the front.

"Is everthing ready?" His voice was bored as a woman quickly scampered over ready to let the owner in much to the anger of the other guest. The two at the front tried capturing his attention to give him a piece of their mind but Henry ignored them.

It wasn't long before you were in the high end restaurant in one of the towns two five star hotels that he owned. It was nice the restaurant was about fifteen stories up a dark blue almost black marble looking floor,  tables all coverd with pure white table clothes that felt like some stupid 800 thread count material ,high back black leather chairs ,single white roses and candles on each table dotted around. The focal point was a huge wall with intergrated tropical fishtank that seperated the regular tables and vip area which was raised slightly. The set up was split in two, one half all centred around useing the veiw courtesy of the floor to ceiling windows looking over the town the other half had the fish tank to look at..It was clever really the fishtank gave you a faux sense of privacy a perfect divider that let light flow to the other half of the seating area.

Henry walked you straight past the fish tank to a high private table in the corner of the vip area a huge bouquet of roses sat on the table. 

"For you babygirl" you couldn't help but smile brightly as he slid them to you. You leaned in smelling the roses slowly running your finger across the curve of the soft petals your heart warmed and for a moment you truley felt... Special? Cherished?.

You cast a sweeping gaze across the seating area admiring it whilst empty knowing it wont be for long, it was the most expensive place you'd ever been to eat. As you looked around you noticed that the other geusts were slowly trickling in being seated by smartly dressed servers. You looked slower taking in the decor more carfully. Henry wasnt lying when he said the table was the best in the place  it had a uninterrupted veiw of the city and the restaurant.

"You like it?" You nodded looking around the decor was black and gold giving a art decor gatsby vibe. He moved pulling out your chair letting sit then sat himself across from you smileing as you pulled the roses across the table placing then on the corner out of the way blushing. 

"Yes I was right it is a fancy place...A little daunting but exciting...And I can't wait for my cheesecake its my favourit and I haven't had it in sooo long!"

"Any thing for you my little one...But only good little girls who eat all their dinner get a desert you know that...ah ah no pouting!"

"But tonight's supposed to be a treat daddy" he gave you a stern look across the table at your pouting 

"Yes and if your a good girl and ask nicely we would eat out like this everyday, but you were naughty to begin with and daddy has to be strict and have lots of rules...And one of those rules is no desert before dinner now enough pouting don't be ungrateful" you blushed stupidly enough you agreed with him in a way you'd come to enjoy some of his rules, they made you feel...accomplished in a way youd never experienced before, you had something to work to and when you did as he asked he praised you which always made a warmth in your chest blossom. You tucked your nose in a rose you'd plucked from your bouquet grinning softly.

"Im sorry Daddy...Thank you for the roses they are very beautiful" he smiled holding his arms out in a exasperated gesture tilting his head for emphasis

"Well at least you will accept flowers with out a fuss little one...Thats one thing I can now be sure of" You looked down still feeling scolded even if his tone was light you cursed the feeling in your chest. Like rocks had been stuffed in your ribcage making your chest heavy, he was obviously still bitter about the ring you could tellfrom how pissy he was being. You fidgeted worrying just what that would mean for you during the night.

Almost immediately after you sat down you were served a sweet smelling dark wine by a fairly handsome man who popped the cork with ease handing it to Henry whilst giving you a nervous smile you smiled back to him unaware of Henry's face turning sour he nodded and gave the young man a gruff grunt to proceed, the wine was acceptable apparently you watched as the server moved pouring you out a half glass with shaking hands well aware of Henry who was glaring daggers at him ,you smiled to thanking him. Henry must have taken it wrong as he snarled a 'fuck off' at the man who quickly placed the bottle on the table and practically ran out of sight.

"Hen- da I...what was?...I was just being polite please can we just enjoy ourselves...Please." he sat back regarding you one elbow on the arm of his chair twiddling his fingers, his gaze was unerving. He paid no mind to a waitress placing a bottle of bourbon and a glass finally he clicked his tongue smirking enjoying makeing you squirm. He smiled quickly leaning over pouring his own drink casually.

"I'd be carefull pet, you've got one warning left tonight it'd be a shame to have to reprimand you here and trust me daddy has no qualms of upending you on this table and giving you a sound thrashing" you jolted opening your mouth unable to find any words you settled on nodding quietly sipping at you drink meekly he rolled his fingers in a smooth motion until it was a loose fist.

"Answer me pet you know I hate you ignoring me unless you want to be made an example of here? want everyone to see your cute little bottom turned pink over daddy's lap as you kick and squirm like a naughty little girl" you squinted your eyes cheeks tniging pink at his words, deciding it was best not to test him you quickly slapped the drink down a few drops jumped from the glass staining the crisp white table cloth. You froze watching the dark liquid seep across the fibers.

"I-I'm sor-ry please I didn't mean-" you panicked and began begging looked up and could have cried for some reason he was keeping you on edge tonight more so than usual. He was smiling playfully into the rim of his glass, he had been toying with you...had he? you had hoped you knew his mind games but he was in an unpredictable mood tonight.

He moved slowly plucking the menu curling a finger calling a waitress over and ordered for the both of you. You sat twiddling your fingers unsure of what to do, he had seemed happy in the car but in here...It was like he wanted to keep you on a short leash, make you understand although you were out having a treat you were not free to do as you pleased. You settled on people watching moving to get a view of the other couples, they smiled and curled around one another so happy in love. Free.

You looked down blinking away tears, was this worse? Being out and seeing what you'd never have? In the house you could ignore it but here watching them be so genuine. No matter how much you fell at this mans feet you'd never have that freedom to feel, to be so careless in your love. You'd always be controlled be pressed into what ever made him happy...

Your purpose was to make this beautiful monster happy. But you'd agreed, was it wrong to let yourself go under? To fully succumb to his dominance and try to enjoy him. To find comfort in him and accept him as the beautiful yet cruel man he was?you would have to eventually so why wait? It'd save you heat ache in the end. And as the days blurred into weeks and months you knew that it would be easy. He was vindictive and spite full. He was ruthless and cunning yet to you he was almost kind, it would be easier if you swallowed your pride and let yourself fall for him. Life would be easier and you was slowly accepting that it was the obvious choice, you moved casting a glance at the couples around you. Could that be you? Could you have that happiness in the end with him? the frightening thig was. Yes. you could already feel that your feelings were changing slowly but surely, were you in love with him? no did you care for him? Yes.

You hadn't realised he moved until he had made his way arohnd the table holding ut a hand palm up below your down turned face. You jumped snapping your head up confused he furrowed his brows slightly pressing a hand to your cheek wiping away a few stray tears.

"Dont cry pet...Not here no one should see your tears but me, no one should put them there but me. Here come on take my hand" you quickly moved wiping them away once your face was free of tears he grasped your hand. Pulling you up slowly, you followed docile as he pulled you towards a large dancefloor at the back of you space just behinde the bar. You saw there were a few couples were already slow dancing you tensed.

He spun round to face you as the song changed to one you recognized, No peace by Sam Smith played loud yet soft through the speakers it was one of our favourite's but this time the words had a much deeper meaning. He held your back his palm hot against the bare skin he stepped forward pulling your hand up near his shoulder you held him softly. Swaying slowly you'r eyes darted around eyes were on you from those who knew Henry, guests and staff alike.

"Look at me...Forget them little one they are just curious its rare for them to see such elegance up close, and I must say you look divine...More of a little lady then a little girl" you flushed at the compliment trying to follow his skilled movements as he placed his feet expertly without a thought to it as he spun you around in smooth steps across the floor, you swore looking at your feet as you stepped wrong capturing his toes. He chuckled and lifted you effortlessly off his foot  an inch or so and placed you back to the floor

"Sorry..I don't mean to..I've never danced like this before...Not very good on a normal dance floor and I'm ten times worse at this, these heels aren't helping...I must look like fucking bambi on ice" he chuckled smoothing his thumb across the skin of your back. Enjoying the backless dress pressing his hands into you feeling your shivers the ripples across your back as he smothered you in his huge frame, letting you feel small in his embrace. He quickly and subtly lifted you up once again as you nearly stood on him again.

"Bambi is a very fitting name I may steal that one" you gave a shy smile smirked spinning you aubruptly then pulled you back skillfully tugging you a little closer. He tilted his head down talking in a hushed baritone voice. 

"Your doing fine...Just let daddy lead, daddy will look after you I promise" you gulped and nodded he spun you again this time making sure your bodys touched, slipping his feet between yours using them to move yours guiding your steps.

He settled you to him as he moved prompting you to lay your head on his shoulder he spun you both slowly bringing you near the center of the floor to make sue no one bumped into you. You sighed humming along quietly whispering the lyrics suddenly there was a lump in your throat you swallowed hard pressing your head into his neck. It looked intimate. It was intimate. You listened as he picked up where you left off humming he lyrice into your ear low and relaxing. You whined moving your hands holding him around the neck breathing a shaky breath into his neck. He moved pressing a sweet kiss to your head song changed and you was thankful, pulling your head up to see his eyes staring at you there was a fondness he gave a lopsided grin.

"Are you okay my love? Your very tearful tonight." You blinked shaking your head at him.

"I'm..C-Can I speak truthfully....without?.." he tensed as you trailed off, you wanted to speak freely without consequences. He mulled over the idea unsure if he should shoot you down, he decided against it if he halted you now you may never be honest with him again. He nodded to you giving you his undivided attention as he slowdance with you in the crowd. You took a deep breath unsure if it was the right time to have this conversation. He had given you permision but you will still be careful with your words.

"I'm confused... You confuse me Henry...Being here like this I..."You looked to the other couples wistfully then back to him.

"I want that...I want that love that freedom and...And I...We feel like a couple ,like we could be a normal couple like them ,but you frighten me, the things you say and do and I...I'm unsure of whats right and wrong now...Normal couples don't do what we do they dont threaten spanking's on dates!" he hummed in response mulling over your words for a few breaths, could everythinghave been his fault? You didnt understand the type of relationship he had with you therefor you dont know what he wants from you or what to expect, is that confusion why you were fighting so hard?

"I'd hoped you were finally accepting things now. I'm glad you were honest with me about being confused love and I'm proud of you. We feel like a couple because we are.... But normal? No we are not we are a bdsm couple, we live a bdsm lifestyle which suits both of us. Your mine and I am yours we are soulmates. You are just finally catching up to that and soon we will feel like this all the time, this happiness this relaxed and playful. I know its all still quite new now but soon you will be used to me being your lover, your daddy, your dominant ,your one and only and in time I will be your husband and father to your children. We will be like this for the rest of our lives. I apologize that I'm only just explaining this now and I can see why you were so reluctant and scared going form a normal vanilla and quite innocent relationship to being in this...very strict and quite demanding, sexually fueled one can be daunting. I was just so caught up wishing you would ajust quicker but matters of the heart can't be rushed and now I see that is what I was trying to do. I am content for now. Soon this will be normal, the jewellery the luxury anything you desire will be yours when you finally admit to loveing me back, when you succumb to your true feelings." He moved looking to the others around you then back to you smiling.

"You will be just as happy as them..If not more you will be the most treasured and spoilt woman in the city, the world even I promise and when that day comes you will make me the happiest man on the planet" he moved solidifying his statment with a kiss, a promise he words sounded like vows in itself. You sighed and pulled back he took a deep breath as you did.

"I'm trying I...Its a lot to take in and I'm glad I spoke to you...I think I understand a little more now...Your You dont mean to frighten me you just...Get excited? okay I can live with that...I've never been in love before its frightening" he smiled twisting you around pulling your back to his front holding you close placing a kiss to your shoulder.

"I know you are trying love, what do you think this is tonight? This is your reward for your week of good behaviour. I am patient I will wait for you neither of us are going anywhere. And in the end everything will be worth it you'll see" 

You stood stock still freezing as you looked out into the now full restaurant.You spoke as you cast your eyes to the male in the crowd. He was glaring at you making your chest go cold.No. What did he see? What will he think? You dropped you hands from henry's arms your breath was a whisper.

"Stephan?" Henry brought his head up abruptly going rigid he hands wrapping around your waist tighter almost painfull as if you was going to run to the other male. He looked around growling low and dangerous searching for him finally he honed in on him. Was hair dye all someone needed to bypass his men? He seethed as you trembled in his arms he held his breath. Moving closer to your ear.

"You want him? you want to run to him? Do you? You can I will let you but he will be dead before you touch him!" His words were a hot hiss in  your ear.

"No...I-I want him gone" the words were out befor you could catch them he hissed in your ear.

"Y-You what?" he turned you abruptly trying to sniff out a lie but you just held his gaze firm he swallowed his mouth going dry he covered his shock well then glared

"We will see...Come lets go see our dear Stephan shall we?" You tried struggled to keep up but he continued storming across the floor toward him. Henry half dragged half marched you through the dancing couples as you staggered in the stupid fucking shoes!. He turned to you slowly as you gained on Stephan who either bravely or stupidly stood his ground. Your heart beat faster tho you was unsure why you were worried but for who you couldn't say.

"Just remember our arrangement and he will leave here alive" you took a deep breath humming in response before hissing out an answer.

"I'm not leaving Henry" After what felt like an eternity to stood face to face with him, the one you could have seen yourself with on the arm of the man you were forced to be with.

"Y/n..." you looked to him blinking slowly 

"Leave" you had to do it, to send him away Henry would hurt him. You wasn't sure if you were just saying that or not, maybe you wanted to stay with Henry. But that was a thought for another day.You swallowed standing tall looking straight at him, you will not have this mans blood on your hands and you will not be used by him again you had enough sorting out your own shit and trying to figure out Henry at this point Stephan could go fuck himself you will forget him. 

Stephan, Fletcher and Henry all three were the cause of this. It was a mans game and youd somehow become a pawn for all three. You had to choose a side.

"Yes I think you should leave, this is reservation only I'm afraid." Henrys words had a bite to them anyone watching would assume Henry was just dealing with a gate crasher, no one other then the three of you would know how truley volatile the situation was.

"You? No..y/n I'm here for you! To take you back! Please I'm sorry give me one last chance? I love you baby I can't live with out you please?" You froze everything stopped what was he doing? What the fuck was he doing? Making a scene people watched as Stephan made a wild plea for you to take him back. He made a perfect storm, a brilliant and well thought out display.

Henry tensed holding you. You could feel it he wasn't prepared for this. Had Stephan just out witted the king himself in his own building. You held your breath unsure of what to do If he had was there a chance?. Could this be it? Your escape even if you didnt love stephan could you use this ruse to get away? To go into some form of witness protection?

"Ha! Honestly Stephan you think she hasn't heard?" You took a step back to Henry holding his wrist. No you wont take that chance not now. You have to settle, to just accept your lot with Henry for your own sanity. You had only moments ago realised where you stood and now had some understanding of what this was!. And if you was honest with your self you wasn't willing to trust Stephan he was to little to late.

"You've lost your job, your home everything! What could you possibly offer her? Safety? Please" you faltered at Henry's words were all but laughed out mocking. He lost his job? If so it wasn't safe you picked up on the hidden meaning to his words. You would not be safe. Stephan would not be safe. Not if you took this chance.

You placed a hand to Henry's chest and swallowed your throat closed up as tears sprang to your eyes. You looked stephan dead in the eye his face dropped. He knew. Before he could speak another word you gave your answer through trembling lips.

"I-I said leave! Your a liar! You played me I was a job Stephan and I will not be used again...Leave and don't ever come back. I-I'm with Henry now, we are happy and planning a future and I don't need you around trying to ruin what we have." You shuddered tears rolling down your face. Henry pulled you closer, you just hoped Stephan realized that you did this of our own accord, that henry was giving you a choice and the fact of the matter is you chose this beautiful dastardly man.You had to turn away from him tucking yourself into Henry's side.

"You heard the lady, she chose me now leave" 'while you can' those three words went without saying, hanging in the air. Stephan stood his ground trying to plead with you that he had somewhere to take you, somewhere safe but you just shook your head. 

"No! I dont want you! I dont need you! Im happy with how things are and I can't believe youxd do this after all this time?!" You were trying to get through that he was to late the damage was done and youd already made up your mind, your reasons were unclear even to you but he doesnt need to know that all he needed to know was that you were staying exactly where you were.

"But baby you don't understand I was trying-" you shook your head at him desperately wanting hi  to stop youd made your decision.

"Enough! Stephan...Ive moved on its to late now go! And dont ever look for me again!" You moved wanting those to be your final words. You turned your back on stephan and looked up to Henry and leaned in to him whispered below your breath.

"Make him leave, please daddy" Henry felt a warmth spread through him as you made the request. You wanted him to intervene to make this boy leave. He would definatly help, protect his babygirl. He acted quickly.

"Security! See to stephan here escort him out" you tore your head up watching as three men apprehended him dragging him through the space to the entrance whre he was destined after that you didn't know. You took a deep breath looking around slowly  everyones eyes were on you. Henry growled and snapped at them making the restaurant begin the nights festivities. You stood hugging him a few seconds more then pulled you back slowly.

"Good girl...Such a good girl you did the right thing. My little love. The right thing." He pulled you in pressing his lips against yours slowly not forcing anything just happy to let you remain there in his arms. He moved slowly escorting ou back to yur table where a waitress brought out your meal after a few moments.

After the incident you found it hard to relax and only did so once back home. The rest of the night was overshadowed by it dread rolled in your stomach Henry was tense. And that normally meant bad things for you. If henry was angry with you he hid it well through dinner and you both tried salvaging the evening in your own ways. But even hree slices of cheesecake couldnt lift your spirits completely.

Once in the house he slammed the front door it echoed down the halls. You flinched and turned to him But he bypassed you and shouted loudly into the house standing tall shoulders back he was itching for a fight ou could tell he wanted to break somehing. Someone.

"LUKE GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUT HERE!" Within a few short moments Luke came running stuttering.

"Hen-Sir I didn't know but we have him in-" he was knocked clean off his feet as Henry swung for him. No warning nothing just one fast powerfull fist connecting with his jaw. You screamed jumping back, the commotion got kals attention as the huge dog came barreling in to the foyer barking and growling on the defensive. You ignored the usually sweet now frightening canine watching the scene before you unfold shaking head to toe. Youd never seen henry hit someone before...not like that, he meant that he wanted to cause real damage then.Once his victim was on the floor he crouched wagging a finger at him.

"Hair dye...Thats all he needed to avoid you....your really loosing your touch about as quickly as I'm loosing fucking patience....This fuck up, your fuck up ruined my night! What was supposed to be our first date down the fucking drain because you let it slip A-FUCKING-GAIN! I don't care where he is, infact I don't want you to tell me but you get the info out of him and release him...Do not kill him" Henry stood at his full height hissing looking to you then clenched his jaw. Brilliant! Fucking brilliant you were shaking in terror just how he wanted the fucking night to end! Not! He sighed running a hand acros his face then looked to the man still on the floor.

"Tell me that you've atleast set the room up for us and this night isn't a complete waste" the man on the floor nodded cupping his jaw that was hanging at a funny angle it looked broken. You tensed Henry was powerful muh more powerull then he looked.Henry sighed he didnt move he didnt want you to bolt.

"Love... I'm sorry I just...i know its scary but you know daddy would never ever hurt you...Not truley, please love stop looking at me like that... Could you come here please?....That's it good girl I'm sorry little one good girl just like that" you moved slowly past the man withering on the floor. And stood before Henry it took everything not to flinch from him as he moved to hold your waist and made his way to the stairs pulling you with him. You didn't fight him, you were scared stiff you doubted that even kal would protect you from his master. He walked you right up stairs to the bed room you winced seeing that things were out...Toys. He moved past you huffing and swearing leaving you to just stand and wait. He made his way into the bathroom tense he was angry, furious even. You shook unsure how to tread it had been a while since he was this angry and you wasn't sure who he was angry at. You, stephan or luke...You hoped it wasnt you.

You leaned on the dresser undoing the buckles on your shoes sighing once the sore soles of your feet hit the cool floor. You looked to the bed the sheets were changed. A dark purple satin with matching pillow cases a single black rose on your side of the bed and petals scattered about the place. It was romantic. Well until you saw the contraptions attached to the chair facing the bed which was intended for you to be placed upon. A large purple cilindrycal arch placed on the seat and..Well there was a very satisfying looking dildo sticking right up in the center and a small bobble textured silicone mat just in front of it, there were cuffs attached to the two back legs of the chair that would make the 'toy' take your weight you shivered unsure if you wanted to do this is he was in a mood. You shook your head best get to work calming him down.

You moved slowly to the bathroom he was hunched over the sink he looked up meeting your gaze in the mirror. you blinked moving behinde him hugging him from behind he froze in your arms hands still braced on the marble.

"Thank you daddy...tonight was fun even if he tried to ruin it" you pressed a kiss to his shoulder. He turned abruptly grasping your chin making you look in his eyes.

"You..you had fun..I thought you was upset?" you shook your head at him he sounded angry but you'd thought it was at you aparently not.

"Of course it was our first date...and we had our first dance I just...I wanted you to know that I'm greatfull" he blinked shaking you 

"LIES! How could you possibly? you wanted to go with him! to leave me! I LOVE YOU I FUCKING ADORE YOU AND YOU STILL WANT TO LEAVE ME! WHY? WHY DO YOU FUCK AROUND LIKE THIS? WHY DO YOU TRY TO MANIPULATE ME? MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME IM YOUR LOVER YOUR SOULMATE! IS THAT NOT ENOUGH?!" you screamed struggling as his nails broke the skin of your arms."NO!-NO PLEASE I DIDN'T- I WASN'T PLEASE DADDY DON'T!" you cried out loud trying to grab him as he spun you around slamming you to the door making it close with a slam the sound ringing in your ear

"ADMIT IT! ADMIT TO ME WHAT YOU REALLY WANTED! YOU WANTED HIM YOU WANT HIM!" you shuddered as his eyes searched yours but found only tears you shook your head trying to pull back from him.

"P-ple-ease your hurting me..Daddy I'm here with you-I chose you. I-I want you daddy, pl-please let go" your crying seemed to get more out of control as you now struggled to speak breathing was difficult. He blinked your painfull whimpers cuting him deep as he realized he was the cause. It snapped him out of it as he saw that he had infact hurt you he let go taking heaving breaths. 

He expected you to run but all you did was stay still sobbing your heart out before him clutching your bleeding arms. he moved a hand to you you managed not to flinch but he could see it you wanted to. You wanted to run from him. He swore and quickly wrapped you in his arms.

"Oh my god my love, my heart I'm sorry..I'm so sorry love please shush its okay your okay...shh shh I'm sorry daddy is here, come here my baby..My sweet sweet girl" he pulled you close and just like that he was soothing you again rubbing your back. you trembled and clutched onto him sobbing he took a deep breath.

"I-I'm s-sorry But I didn't I didn't want to go...I wanted to stay with you...He lied he used me im here..I decided to stay with you" he closed his eyes he knew you were coming around. He was just so angry. At Luke at Stephan and at himself. He had fucked up from word one he knew that. This wasn't the plan. He had so desperatly wanted to make tonight THE night. The meal and danceing having fun then bring you back to a romantic room and make love to you. To get your consent, to toy with you untill you were dripping begging for him and finally. finally spend himself inside you. And wake up tomorrow morning with you wrapped around him happy. tonight was supposed to be the first night of the rest of your lives. the introduction to your new life.but now that seemed the last thing that was going to happen, after manhandeling you like that he was sure you were now going to try and reject him completely. that this whole shit show was going to set the relationship back a good few weeks. you looked up cutely blushing.

"The..The bedroom is sweet...I like the sheets and...And the roses its romantic" he smiled down at you seeing that you was trying to overcome the little spat. He hummed grinning rubbing his hands across your back slowly feeling you unwind.

"You did ,did you? well I shall remember that" you opened you mouth then closed it slowly

"What is it? you looked like you was going to ask something very important then little one" you shuddered squirming under his gaze he noted you rubbing your thighs together.

"W-what is that thing? I-in there on the chair?" he smiled at your innocence and began ushering you to move so he could open the door guiding you out.

"That my love is a gift..For you mostly but I will also get some enjoyment out of it..It is called a sybian...Just think of it as my little babygirls very own rocking horse." he chuckled noticing you froze on the spot, he pressed you forward making you take step towards it.

"It rocks?" Henry laughed moving you closer.

"No my little love it does not rock, I have no doubt however that you will be once your on it...Not tonight tho I've my outburst has ruined our night already" you blinked you couldn't help being curious of the thing you blinked tilting your head, you might aswell start enjoying yourself afterall tonight youd made it clear you was going to stay of your own accord maybe its time to just take a leap of faith.

"No I want a go...And you did say its mine and that youd spoil me tonight...I want to play on it" his jaw dropped. What? Were you seriously initiating sex? It was the first time you'd started anything or even showed any real interest. He gulped looking from you to the expensive vibrator then you again. Could him clarifying your relationship have caused this change? Or was there something more at work, were their feelings involved. He wasn't sure but not one to kick a gift horse in the mouth he smiled nodding making you blush brightly and move forward running the tips of your fingers over the slim dildo inspecting it naively. Oh yes the night was back on track and Henry couldn't be more thrilled.

[hotwngz]

hey you live in colorado right? whats it like there? esp weather wise, im considering moving out there next year (im in the midwest currently)

hahaha. theres a saying here like “if u dont like the weather just wait 10 min” and its not an exaggeration whatsoever. it has a habit of changing really rapidly and drastically. i had an aunt out in denver and she told me my first day here about this time it was in the high 40s, totally bright and sunny and she went into a mall wearing a t shirt and shorts and when she came back out a few hrs later it was snowing. I didnt believe her until the same shit happened to me.

I also tell ppl if u dont like the weather where you are just drive a few miles away and itll probably b totally different. like we’d honestly need a different weather report for every few miles cuz it can differ so much. but its also rly hard to predict anyway. its kind of off the shits.

if i had to say, majority of the time its sunny and dry as fuck. If it does rain it lasts anywhere between 5 and 20 min and then its blue skies and bone dry again like nothing happened. thats one of the wildest parts, like when i went to the east coast last year it rained for 3 days straight and it was like that everywhere u went and it was so overcast you couldnt rly see very far. well, thanks to the elevation and topography out here in CO u can literally look out your window and see a completely different weather situation 10 miles away.

Far as the snow goes, its rly like flipping a coin every time and we either get a few inches that melt by noon the next day or absolutely hammered with 18+ inches. Either way people still drive like douchebags

If you like having regular distinct seasons, just keep walking. we can get snow p much all the way thru may and hail is always an option :)

1 of the other biggest things that drives me batshit is the roads are absolute shit. like youll cross the colorado state line and its immediately terrible. ull see bumper stickers that say shit like “if u see me swerving its not cuz im drunk, im avoiding the potholes!” 

Should also note i live in CO Springs and tbh im rly not a fan. There are way better places to go in CO. I had friends in durango and they loved it down there, but they were also huge on skiing and stuff which I've never actually tried. in my opinion CO springs is like the opposite of what ppl think when they hear colorado. like u picture beautiful forests everywhere and mountain scenery, but the springs is like this: you are in the dry ass plains looking at the pretty mountains way in the distance and wishing u were up there instead. some ppl like being down here bc u get less snow and still have a nice view of the mtns but im not into it. i way prefer the actually being up in there, its so much more scenic. also its windy as FUCK in in my area. and its a military town w 2 air force bases and the air force academy so just skip over this city if ur not into gun-totin conservatives. this is like the bible belt of colorado. 

Denver is kinda same deal wrt being in city/metro area looking at the mtns in the distance but i like city scapes and at least theres more to fucking do up there. rent prices are ridiculous tho but i think thats true of this whole state unless u go somewhere more rural and/or shitty. Boulder is fun cuz its like an artsy college town and its right up against the mountains but again, fucking expensive. and it set me on edge how every1 walking around there looked like instagram models who run vegan living blogs......

But i digress. whatever u do dont move to pueblo or cañon city. those to me are just a continuation of new mexico but with less going for them. like theres a reason all the prisons are in cañon city. 

in conclusion theres a lot of pretty stuff to see here but u usually have to drive a ways outside of where u live to see it. If youre rly into hiking and camping and general outdoorsy shit youll probably like it here. or if youre a pothead then i guess its a no brainer. Regardless just be ready for the altitude and just how dry it is 🥵

[scarlettkat86]

Eyy, @fluttyseed, remember the stripper Sharky fic idea? Well I took it and did a little less funny and a little more steamy. Hope you enjoy. Also tagging @deaconmcsexypants and @jacobmybeloved for reading snippets, appreciate yall. Theres also stripper sharky edits at the end because I have no shame.

Characters: female dep/rook, brief Hurk Jr, Sharky Boshaw.

Word Count: 1584

Warnings: Um, its a stripper fic, so if steamy lap dances and sharky taking his clothes off aint your thing turn away now. 

Notes: Sharky’s stagename is from a disco song of the same name by Boney M, and the song he chooses to dance to is Fire and Gold by Bobby Saint

"There is literally nothing to do in this town." Rook huffed, slouching down into the couch. "What's there to do other then betting on which local a start a fight down at the Spread Eagle?"

Hurk Jr. takes a seat beside her, shotgunning a beer before he answers. "Well amigo, we can always get wasted and let the pigs loose at the Woodsons farm. Think I could ride 'em like one of those fancy rodeo cowboys!?" 

Rook laughs at the image but shakes her head. "No way dude. Last time you and Sharky blew up a silo and set a barn on fire when i took yall cow tippin." She leans over putting an arm around Hurks shoulder. "Speaking of Sharky, where is he? Does he still think I'm gonna arrest him, cause that was just a joke."

Hurk jumps up from the couch, knocking over a few beer cans from the side table and points an acquisitive finger in her face. "You was serious that day man! I ain't ever seen someone ticked off as you was. If he hadn't of saved your ass from that bull man, you'd have taken us both in!" 

Rook stifles a laugh before pushing his hand from her face. "That'd make me an accessory to a list of crimes I'd rather not admit to being a part of." She sees his face twist with amusement, then he flicks her nose. 

"Dang, you know what. Bonafide disaster of a cop cause you're always aiding our criminal adventures, but you're the best damn friend I ever had." He rubs his thumb along his goatee then says, "I tell you what. I'll let you in on where Sharkys at, but you've gotta sweeten the deal for me brobafet."

"You insult me, then insist I sweeten the deal, seriously?"

"I'm deadly serious, like a ninja. I ain't blind and I know what you're gonna see tonight will be far more better then anythin' you could imagine. Now, what I want is simple. I wanna use your jeep while you visit Sharky at his new job. That's it."

After a few stipulations, Rook drove the 40 minutes to the next town over. "That's it!" Hurk yelled. A neon sign read, 'The Swinging Sirloin Bar'. 

"You mean to tell me I drove nearly a hour to pound a few back in some sleezy bar?!" She says squinting her eyes at Hurk.

"Whoa whoa whoa. That's somethin' I don't need to know. Now a deal's a deal amigo." Hurk says with his ears covered. She's confused, nothing she said should make him cringe like that. Rook stepped out of the jeep and he took over the driver's seat. 

"I'll see ya tomorrow amigo, dont worry Sharky won't mind riding you. Shit, what I meant was giving you a ride. In his car. Oh hell, just...bye!" He stammers and flies out of the parking lot.

That was...odd. Opening the door to the bar, everything suddenly makes sense as her ears are assaulted by women hollering and catcalling. She sees a stage with a semi naked man gyrating on a random woman seated on stage. To her right is a hallway with multiple doors, and to the left is the bar. She makes her way over, taking a seat at the end furthest from stage. Her cheeks flush, not for the sight in the room, but because she thought this was a hole in the wall bar. That serves steak. Not a strip club. 

The bartender makes his way over. "The names Seth. What can I get you beautiful?" 

Rook shrugs her shoulders, "Whiskey sour I guess. I'm here to see a friend, maybe you can point me to him? Goes by Sharky."

The man behind the counter slides her drink to her. "Only know stage names and faces, got a description?"

There's a loud commotion center stage, the man on stage now had his head up the back side of the random womans skirt, seemingly motorboating her ass. Rook curses, horrified but unable to look away. "Do uh, do all your dancers get so, hands on?"

Seth raises an eyebrow. "Well now, are you curious to find out, or jealous the friend your crushing on feels up on all the ladies in the same way?"

Rook snaps her head back around glaring daggers at the bartender. "What! How did you, I mean no. I'm not... jealous." She folds her arms across her chest. "I'm-Oh. Oh my God, he's a stripper?" She pulls her phone from her jeans and shows his picture to Seth.

"Crushing on Daddy Cool? His no touch rule drives the women crazy." Rook chokes on her drink, spewing it all over the counter. 

"He's got time for a private dance. Or you can wait for his shift to end." He laughs pouring her another drink and wiping up the mess. "But if you wait, some other woman will probably take his last dance."

That's how Rook found herself sitting on a questionable leather couch in a dimly lit room, waiting.

Ten minutes felt like an eternity, before she finally heard the door open. She resists the urge to turn around and face him when he starts speaking. 

"First things first, I got a couple ground rules. One, no touching unless you have my consent, two, hav-" Sharky stops dead in his tracks when he finally comes face to face with his customer. He twists the owl ring on his left finger, opening and closing his mouth before finding his voice again. "Uh, he-hey shorty. What uh, how-why are you here?"

Rook stretches her arms out, relaxing into the couch. "Well isn't it obvious? I've been missing you lately. Now I know why you've been gone." 

"I ain't been avoiding you if that's what you're thinkin'. Just need extra cash, and well with my record'n all..."

"Well I've got plenty of extra cash." 

"Hell dep, I can't ask for your money, I-"

Laughter bubbled up from Rook, catching him off guard. She stood up, placing her hand on his shoulder, whispering in his ear. "I don't want you to ask. I wanna see your skills, Daddy Cool." She watches as he pulls out his phone, unsure if he's actually gonna strip. Maybe it was the way she purred his stage name in his ear, maybe it was part of his act, but the next thing she knew, he's carrying her to a chair in the center of the room. Music she's never heard before starts playing and Sharky starts circling her. It's an odd song choice, she's beginning to think he's joking but then his hand reaches from behind and wraps around her neck, the other tracing her shoulder and chest. His lips graze her ear, "Remember, no touching." 

The song slows to a sensual beat and he's rolling his hips in sync with the rhythm. He slides across the floor, hands on her knees, pushing her legs apart. Her breath catches in her throat when he slides his hips between her legs, grinding against her. He leans back enough to pull the white tshirt off, wrapping it around her shoulders before running his hands down his chest. She slips her hands down his back feeling his muscles contract with each roll of his hips. Suddenly he's moving away from her, a playful smirk tugging the corners of his mouth. "Shame dep. I had one rule and you've already gone'n broke it." He sways his hips, thumbs tucked behind the waist of his jeans. "Maybe I should go?"

Rook is flustered, what she thought was going to be hilarious, is actually turning her on more than she wants to admit. She turns her head to the side, clearing her throat. "No. Don't- don't stop." She hates how desperate that came out. 

Sharky nods his head, sliding his hands to the button on his jeans. He bites his lip as he pops the button open, turning his back to her, moving his body until they drop to the floor. Sharky looks back over his shoulder and slaps his ass. Rook giggles at the sight, though the orange thong actually looks like sin on him, then he's striding her way. He puts one leg up on the arm of the chair and takes her ponytail, pulling it free, grabbing fistfuls of loose hair. 

He starts singing with the music "I need it, jesus. Burn baby burn." Pulling her head to his waist and snapping his hips. She can't resist the urge to grab his thighs, and he makes no move to stop her this time. Her cheeks are hot as his erection brushes against her chin. He pulls her head back, leaving kisses along her jaw and neck as he slides his body back down. Instinctively she wraps her legs around his hips. Sharky cups her ass, picking her up, and begins rocking against her. The music stops but neither of them seem to notice. Rook smashes her lips to his, all teeth and tongue. She pulls away as she realizes she's just kissed him. He gently lowers her back to her feet, taking a few awkward steps back. 

"I um, I don't know what came over me..I" 

He shakes his head, "Shit dep I didn't mind whatever that was."

"I wasn't finished. I was gonna see if you wanted to take me back to your place, finish what you started here?" 

"Hell yeah, but just so we're clear, you started this."

[badgalkatzha]

YOUTUBE : Morphe Fluidity Collection Review + Wear Test by BadgalKatzha

Katherine : Hey my beautiful perfecthoodnation welcome back to my channel and another Kiki review. If you are new Hey? What's good? My name is BadgalKatzha but my alpha gang and perfecthoodnation calls me Kiki. I'm a makeup artist who loves makeup at 100. My channel is about makeup such as reviews of products, first impressions, full face of brands, challenges, transformations and more. So if you want to join the alpha gang you just have to hit that subscribe button and the bell to get notified when i upload a new video. You can also follow me in my Simstagram where i do mini makeup tutorials thanks to the IGTV feature witch mines is KikisglamTV. In this review we are doing a 8 hours wear test. So without any further do let's get started y'all.

Katherine : I don't know where to start with this video to be honest, but here i go. So in case you're not aware, makeup brand Morphe Brushes that sells very affordable products released 60 shades of foundations, 31 concealers and 15 setting powders. Their is a lot of drama with this product's cuz of the formula and the undertones. Witch i'll get there later on in the video. As you see in the screen this is the shades they have available for y'all in the website. Their customer service sucks i email them about my orders cuz they were delayed and nobody answer back. So when i got this in my mail i was migraine free. I bought all the items i'll be using for today's video nothing is PR from the brand. A full face of Morphe cost me 119.00 without shipping with shipping is like around 130.

Katherine : I give you Morphe Fluidity Foundation. For me the packaging is cheap is not something luxurious or a packaging that can make the product last as it should be. This little men cost 18.00 dollars. This is a matte formula base. Witch if you have dry skin i don't recommend you to buy this. Unless you prep your skin to the gods. Mind you even if you prep your skin. Theres always a probability of creasing or caking. So what's the tea with this foundation? The undertones and the formula itself. We have green, gray and orange undertones in this foundations. What do i mean with the greens, grays and oranges tones? Well when you blend this to your skin and set it for the day you might notice that the color of the foundation changes to this colors. But taking the time to learn how to identify your undertones can seriously help you in the makeup world from  properly choosing a foundation to knowing how to correct discoloration and enhance any hue to achieve a more even, flawless complexion. It's not so much about covering up, but more about color balance. The closest shade to my skin tone is F3.80 in the tan level with a slightly red undertone. I use foundations that haves red, pink or peach undertones cuz they're close to my skin tone. But theres a trick with this product. You can see the shade of the foundation right? Guess what? that's not the shade inside of the container so be aware to match yourself in stores.

Katherine : I prime my face with the Morphe Equalizer that cost 12.00 dollars. My skin feels very smooth right of the back. Morphe said in their website this primer blurs and softens imperfections witch i hope it does. As i blend the foundation i can totally tell you is full coverage. Allegedly this is sweatproof, transfer-resistant and water-resistant. Will see about that thru the day. They give you 2 ways to use this foundation witch is dew and matte. If you want dewy skin just use a damp of the foundation but if you go matte go full coverage. For my matte everyday look of mines i'll go full coverage. If you guys want a full video about the undertone topic just let me know down below my alpha gang. My skin is oily and not dry so will see how this foundation settles in oily skin type.

Katherine : This is the Morphe Fluidity concealer in shade C3.65 (COOL) the Morphe concealer haves 31 shades available. This product costs 9.00 dollars. I already had one side of my under eyes blended with the concealer and it feels very heavy as for the foundation it feels very light weight. So maybe when you use this just use a little amount. I like to cover my days of no sleeping with concealer so that's why i go hard on it. It does feels creamy and was easy to blend. However you need to blend this fast otherwise it will dry quickly. Listen if the foundation is already drying and doesn't have that nice blurry effect you'll definitely need to set the foundation.

Katherine : Off camera i started to blend the Morphe Filter Effect Finishing Powder in Filter #8 the brush i used was a Morphe M570 Tapered Powder Brush for blending. The powders only comes in 15 shades. The price of this powder is 12.00 dollars. I used the powder in my cheeks, forehead and chin. I can tell you this powder makes the foundation look more matte then what was before. However i'm starting to look orange-ish or peachy so i'll be using another clean brush to set into my skin more deeper the powder.

Katherine : Alright so i finish using the entire Fluidity Collection items. Now to set the look i used the Morphe setting spray witch cost me 15.00 dollars. I did my eyes, contour and highlight off camera cuz we are doing wear test y'all i don't want to make this so long. So far i think everything is holding out great. So far i haven't experience any caking or creasing witch is amazing. However that's the face for now. I would love to see later on how does the entire Morphe Fluidity Collection meshes with my fav products such as contour and highlighter. Cuz sometimes the foundation won't mesh well with other makeup products. That's totally normal is like a way to find out how good or bad is the formula or undertone. Would the foundation & concealer crease? Cake? Separate? Crack? Only the wear test will answer that. This is when the check-ins starts!!! I need to straight my hair since it looks messy as hell. That takes me about 2 hours. I have to visit my manager have a couple of meetings and for last go to Sephora to buy makeup for my next video. So I'm gonna go about my day do the check-ins and i'll see y'all back in the studio after i finish the 8 hour wear test. To let you know my final thoughts.

Katherine : Hey guys!! Just doing the first check-in!!! I'm in Rodeo Drive my manager was a total ass and cancel today's meeting. So me and the girls we are going to grab some Taco Bell. Zamn i miss my Bell Grande a lot. But y'all are not here to know what i eat ahahaha. So far the foundation hasn't cake or crease. But the concealer is creasing just a little bit. My face still feels i have makeup on but haves gone down a little. I have a suspicion is the concealer that mess the look. I have to leave you guys now BUT don't go anywhere Kikis review is not done yet their is another Kiki-Check-In coming up.

Katherine : Hey loves!!! Is 8:00 PM and this is the final check-in for the wear test. I was in my normal habitat called Sephora. I was buying new makeup and restocking some i run off. I think the foundation stills looks nice and it did mesh nicely with the contour and highlighter i used. It just feels very drying i think is the best way to explained it. But i'll expose more when i get back to my beauty studio.

Katherine : Okay guys!!! I'm back in my beauty studio to spill my final thoughts. I have the entire Morphe Fluidity Collection on my face for 8 hours and i did the check-ins for you guys to see how the products are in natural lighting outside of the beauty lights. Like i normally do thru out my day i always do touch ups but this time i didn't just for you guys. This is me sitting down after literally have 8 hours of wearing this. I think the actual foundation itself haves a soft blurring effect. However it is extremely drying. I notice as well i have small patchiness in some areas of my face including the cakey nose. I don't know if the camera is able to pick it up but off camera i can see it. As far as longwearing aspect of it their is foundation coming off around my eyebrows. The concealer girl!!! I wasn't a huge fan number one it feels heavy and cakey and it also like you need to work faster and am not a person that likes to work fast doing any type of makeup look. I want to be able to sit down do it and blended out as i please. If you have dry skin and you want to use this product first prep and hydrate your skin as much as possible. If you have oily skin like myself just do a basic prep or your everyday prep before doing your makeup. To close this chapter. I didn't like much the concealer but the foundation i give a 6 outta 10. The setting powder didn't do much it did blur a little but nothing i will say is SICKENING or mind blowing. I think this collection is okay and if you want to try this keep in my your skin type and undertones. Thank you guys for watching my Morphe Fluidity Collection review!!! I hope y'all enjoy the check-ins and hang out with me today. I'll see you guys in my next video 🐺

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Morphe Makeup Accessories By Me

Sephora Makeup Bag By @coatisims ty for letting me do this an accessorie for my post. If you want the Deco Verzion you can grab it HERE

[kdenbibi]

Ya Rouhi

Authors note: “(H/n)” stands for hero name. My hand slipped and I wrote an angsty dami fic no one asked for lol if y’all want a part 2 let me know//??////////?//////??////?/ also i used google translate for the Arabic so forgive me if theres any mistakes, Ya Rouhi should translate to “You are my soul.” 

Warnings: A N G S T Y as heck, blood, and violence, swearing

Summery: You have bad timing.

He had contingency plans for everyone on the team, back ups for his back ups and his glorified fanny pack of a belt had nearly everything one would need in case of emergency, the family business only went so well because of the almost concerning amount of planning that went into every patrol and every mission.

He prided himself on being ready for anything life threw his way.

So why didn't he see this coming?

Your mission was supposed to be simple, boring even, you were tasked with Terra to investigate a suspected gang hide out.

You bid everyone a casual goodbye, your eyes lingering on Damian's longer than the rest, it caused the corners of his mouth to twitch upwards.

"See you around pretty bird." He nodded biting back a grin, turning and going to the monitor room to be your look out for the mission.

At this point no one questioned why he happened to be look out every time you went on a mission without him, they were too scared of his reaction but they knew, something was definitely going on between the grumpy boy and yourself.

This unspoken thing between the two of you was understood throughout the team, anyone who looked at the two of you together could pratically see the love you had for each other rolling off of you in waves, which would be the first step to your downfall.

A few hours after you headed out with the newest Titan, Damian checked in for a status update.

"(h/n) report? Any signs of the gang?" He'd never admit it out loud but he was obviously nervous anytime you had to go on a mission without him, it's not that he doubted your abilities but he always felt better if he was there to have your back.

After a few tense moments the com cracked to life lifting a weight off his shoulders.

"Negative Robin, so far it's just this weird warehouse and a whole lot of dust."

"Me and Terra are going to split up, she'll sweep around outside and I guess I'll- wait hold on I think I found something." Damian leaned on the edge of his seat waiting for more information.

"Be careful (h/n)." He spoke trying not to sound as concerned as he was.

"Don't worry about me R, I'm a big girl I can handle myself- sides' if I don't come home who's gonna put up with you?"

Damian felt himself smiling before he cleared his throat and responded.

"Any sign of activity?"

"That's the weird part, this place is more ghost town than it is active gang hide out- where'd we get that tip anyway?"

"It was anonymous ." I answered, the gut feeling that something wasn't right crawled into my mind. "Do one more walk around then head back-" your voice suddenly interrupted him.

"Just out of curiosity, on the blue prints for this building did it mention anything about a super creepy elevator leading down to an equally creepy high tech lab?"

"No-"

"Okay then, either this gang is selling something other than weed or we got a problem on our- "

The line was suddenly overtaken by static, which caused the young Wayne's eyes to go wide, they were on one of the most advanced systems in the world there shouldn't- no couldn't have been interference that bad.

Unless someone sabotaged your equipment.

"(N/n) get out of there now, this is bigger than you, I repeat grab Terra and retreat now- wait for back up." At this point he'd left the desk he was sitting at and began to dress himself in his gear. After another thirty minutes of trying to reach you he prepared the team for a rescue mission, they all gathered in the monitor room to play back your audio transmission in case they came across anything.

"Are we clear on the plan? I'll take the-"

"Damian."

Your voice spoke out so suddenly, taking everyone in the room by surprise, the screen flickered to life showing your bruised and bloodied face.

"Hey." You called giving your team a bloody crooked grin.

He stared at the screen in disbelief.

"(h/n)?"

"Damian I don't have much time." You wheezed out struggling in vain against the tight rope that had you bound.

"What the hell is going on (Y/n)?! Where is Terra? Who attacked you?!" He yelled, hands clenched so tight they began to hurt. The team watched on in silence and fear.

Instead of answering you swallowed thickly and glanced off screen, soon a figure walked on screen to gently pet your head.

"I'm glad you could join us baby bird, me and (Y/n) here have just been getting to know each other, she's a sweet girl, I see why she caught your eye."

Deathstroke's unmistakable voice called out from the screen.

Damian's blood ran cold.

"You picked a firecracker I'll tell you that much." He said rubbing his jaw where a crack in his mask had began to form no doubt from your famous right hook.

"Slade if you touch her again I'll send you to hell myself."

This earned a deep chuckle from the man as he walked towards the camera.

"You'll what? Throw me in jail? Let's not kid ourselves here runt, you've lost your edge, all that hard work and for what? You to go soft." He slowly made his way to your crumpled form.

Yanking you upwards by your hair he bared your throat only to casually press a knife to the soft skin.

"You're weak Damian, you can't hope to save anyone let alone her."

Damian began to panic even more, he knew Slade could end you with a flick of his wrist right now, no matter how much he wanted to lash out he had to play his game until he came up with a plan.

"This is a personal matter between me and the runt, would you mind giving us some privacy?" He spoke to the rest of the team who ahd gathered around the screen.

They all shared a look, knowing it was best to listen to them they silently left the room.

All Damain could do was nod his head, never in his life had he felt this helpless.

"I will admit this kid has some guts, wouldn't tell me anything even when I started cutting away at her."

"What do you want?" Damian asked, voice deadly calm. His chest heaved in ragged breaths at he switched from looking at Slade to the knife.

"Everything she knows about the Titans."

This earned a laugh from your broken from,

"Never gonna happen asshole."

Slade quickly threw you to the floor, chair and all, before swiftly kicking you into the wall.

"-As you can see, she's more stubborn than you, so I'm switching tactics."

"I want personal records of everyone on the team delivered to this location in thirty minutes, just you, no back up, no bats."

"Okay, let her go, I'll have them on a drive for you as soon as I know she's safe." Damian spoke without missing a beat. A part of him was ashamed for folding so soon, but his fear was making rationalizing impossible.

A deep rumble of a laugh left the assassin's mouth.

"Looks like you're not a big an idiot as they say." He walked off screen once more only to come back with a timer.

"It's been a pleasure doing business with you, though if I were you I'd hurry up, your girlfriend here won't last much longer."

Damian went to work typing at the computer, pulling up his friends files and information, he didn't know what the timer was counting down too but it didn't take much imagination to know when it got to zero you'd be out of time.

Slade appeared to have left because you shot up like a bullet. Apparently his last kick sent you crashing so hard the chair you were strapped to broke, giving you a chance.

"That dickhead sure packs a punch."

"Don't worry I'm going to fix this-"

"It's pointless Damian don't do it."

His head snapped up to glare at you before he continued typing.

"Shut up, I'll give him the information, save you then get it back before he knows what hit him, I just need you to stay awake for me can you do that beloved?"

A goofy grin found its way on your bruised face as you got closer to the screen.

"You called me beloved."

"Yes, I'm going to be calling you that for the rest of our days because you're getting out of this you understand me? This is going to be a story you tell our kids."

"Now we have kids? You haven't even taken me to dinner."

He looked away from his task to give you the best half of a smile he could manage.

"Yet."

Your smile fell as you looked off screen to take in your surroundings.

"Dami stop."

"No I can do this I just need to concentrate."

"Damian please." Your voice was stern, despite your shaking form.

"The elevators down, I got a useless leg and even if i somehow managed to make it up all those stairs-" His typing finally stopped as he looked at you.

"Look I'm no Batman but I'm pretty sure this place is rigged to blow." You spoke glancing at the timer with a look he couldn't pin down.

 Fear, anxiety, acceptance.

"Don't come- I know what you're thinking but there isn't a way out this time." Your voice cracked as you stared at his face through the gritty camera .

"This was never about information, he wanted you to come here so you'd be killed too."

"Stop talking as if you're already dead!" He yelled trying to hold back his own tears.

"I can do it..." He spoke in a broken voice trying his best to think of a way out.

"This isn't on you Dami you hear me?" You spoke through your tears completly ignoring him.

"I love you- and I know I have the worst timing ever and these are kinda shitty last words but I'm freaking out a little and I know it's selfish to ask but please stay here- with me."

He looked up from the floor to meet your eye.

"Ya Rouhi." He spoke in his mother tongue, and you didn't know Arabic but you didn't need to, to know he felt the same.

Seconds felt like hours as your screen began to shake, alarms wailed in the distance as whatever device Slade had set began to go off throughout the building.

Your hair fell loosely around your head, the blood and dirt caked on your skin did nothing to hide your beauty, now with tear stained eyes you managed to look like star. You graced him with a smile, never looking away from him, despite the growing destruction around you.

You opened your mouth to say something, what that was he'll never know, because in an instant the screen went black. 

A lost connection logo blinked at his still form.

Everything and nothing ran through his mind all at once.

He felt his knees hit the floor. Ice spread through his chest as he tried to move, to go to you, to tell someone, to do something-

But the ice in his veins had settled, and the light in his eyes was gone.

[womensvoices-blog1]

Breia: How would you describe your relationship status, or your marriage?

Coumba: I would say um, my relationship/marriage is the foundation of my, of activities, and is the center because my closest, my loved ones, my husband and my kids, and of course my parents and siblings, I love them all, but at this stage of life the closest person would be your children and your better half, I would call it. Yes it’s, motivating every single day, to uh, keep things they way they should be. I guess when you think about the kids, alot of daily activites become detailed because they are the goal for them to be in good condition, and be happy and have some time. We spend alot of time away from home but value, this precious time, that I spend with my daughter, or the precious time i spend with my son or husband, I think this might be the meaning of my day.  

Breia: Do you feel any pressure, I guess, by society, or family or friends to be married?

[Text Wrapping Break]Coumba: I would say yes, especially, coming from Senegal, it’s really part of the, how the country works. At some point you need to be in your house, running your house, and having your family. And me, I got married at age 29, 10 years ago exactly. It was late in my country, it was ALOT of pressure and ALOT of questioning. I really at the end, you are kind of depressed if you are not a strong, it can be very hard to manage. So I would say there is a lot of pressure, but I, just you know, find ways to get around, I was studying at the time, trying to find my way, and um but the pressure is there.

Breia: That is one of the things I kind of worry about with Malik, even though he doesn’t put pressure on me, with his former relationship, um, the girl she was 24, and he’s 25 and she’s like I’m getting too old, and in my mind I’m like noooo you’re not, because my mother never got married and she didn’t have me until she was 29, so, she’s still never been married, unlike my aunts who have been married two and three times. It’s very different. So far he hasn’t pressured me, but we’ve like talked about it, but like my secret, I’ve been engaged twice, and the last time I almost went through with it but I was only 21, why am I forcing myself to get married, I haven’t even finished college yet, so, it does feel like a lot of pressure, especially on a woman, you’re choosing to have a career or a family. Especially for a woman, they feel like you can’t do both at the same time, which a man can do both, a man can have a career and a family.

Coumba: Thank you, that’s exactly, the fight is behind all of that is to affirm, and show to the world to yourself and the world that it’s possible. Of course people are getting married later and having kids later, but its just how it is now, and um, any advice I would give to a young, gentleman, or a young woman is to not worry about all the pressure, because at the end of the day they don’t make decisions for you, they don’t pay the bills. If you don’t pay my bills, then you don’t make my decisions, why are you pressuring me to do things, it doesn’t make any sense.  

Breia: How do you think your marriage has changed you as a person, and how you view yourself as a woman?

Coumba: I will start with how I view myself as a woman, It took me some time, if you think of it, when I, when we got married the first five years we were living in two different countries. I use to live in Canada, and him here in the U.S. studying. So, it was very difficult. But we managed to um, to keep, to keep the marriage alive, despite the distance, dispite not having the time to live together, or know each other as a young couple, but, i guess I, grew a lot, because when you are single, or if you are not married, it can be a comfort zone, to have your own activities, you don’t have to depend on the other person to make decisions. You can just go on the weekend and drive somewhere, and you don’t ask anybody. But now, its part of the group, there is some obligation. Not obligation, it’s like a pleasure to make the decision that will make everyone happy. Sometimes, it can be difficult, I say to my friends, I’m selfish and I forget that I have to take my family in account. But there are a lot of reminders, like sometimes, like New Year’s Eve we were invited, and I ugh… 

Breia: I know I was here for that, and you mentioned it, and you ended up not going. 

Coumba: Yeah because not only, the workload at the end of the year, I have not had my whole entire life, because we were short handed and it was for family reasons, so that you can do nothing about it. So it was like, it was like working like a machine. So I did not feel like going anywhere for awhile and did not have the energy. So, it was no good, but then I got invited, but I had an advice from a very close friend that this is not the way to do it. This is the end of the year, you want to spend it with your family. Either all of you go, or you just stay home and watch the tv, you watch the fireworks and then everyone goes to bed. But you can not do that, you know everyone, on those moments, I set apart my person, and my wants and then I see, I look and then I make the best decision for the family. 

Coumba: What was the second question, (laughs), or the first question? 

Breia: Um, how has your relationship status changed you as a person? 

Coumba: It has changed me, as I mentioned, I grew alot, well its like, lets say, it can be very exciting or tasty now, but in 5 years, un uh, change is part of the human being and it’s important, and its good to accept and um, I, I have changed, it’s like a journey and I enjoy so much being with my family, It’s definitely a challenge, it’s alot challenges and commitment but um, alot of selfless decisions, but I enjoy it. The change is part of life, I just don’t like to single out marriage, for me, it’s part of, living.  

Breia: He never told me that, I knew you were in Canada at one point, I didn’t know through the marriage it was long distance, I get questioned a lot, when people ask me, why? why would you do that when you can be with someone here? Here people don’t communicate at all. So, I enjoy that we have never been physical with each other, its solely a a mind thing, and me being able to say what I do and don’t like, and we communicate so well, and, me I like space a lot. 

Coumba: Everyone likes space. haha 

Breia: I’m going to have to learn to be selfless when we eventually do live together, so it’s like, I’m going to have to learn to compromise, so I feel immature (laughs) because, if you take something of mine, I’m like, that’s mine, but eventually when you have kids, it’s not mine anymore, it’s theirs.  

Coumba: Well, let me tell you, this is the magic of love. If you love someone then you make those sacrifices, you know. I was talking to my brother once and he was asking me, how is it? You know, I moved a month before, I went to visit him, he lived in Minnesota. He was asking me how is it to live with your husband now that you’re no longer separated with different countries? I say, it’s the best example of being self-less because, you, eat your lunch, and then you live by yourself, you say oh let me just sit it down, and you are going to wash it later. Then you jump in your car and you just keep going, and the next thing you know, you come back home and it’s 11pm, and you’re not going to clean it until the next day. But if you live with someone you love, you would care, and you would take care of the dish because you, everyone likes cleanliness, and coming into a room thats swell, and thats well kept. So, it’s just a matter of caring about the others. If you have a person to, to, kind of guide, you it’s a good way to grow up because theres some things, that you would say, it’s ok for me to continue living like that, but um, having, I’m trying to find an example, you know, the in-laws, you don’t have to deal with inlaws unless you’re in a marriage but it’s a beautiful thing to have the family in-laws, just extended family. There is some compromise, if I tell you there is no compromise, I am lying. There is compromise everywhere. But its a great way to have those challenges them and overcome them for the beauty, you know, um, keeping that relationship. In my society, children, um, they are like, um, how do you say, i’m thinking in french, the big um, aspect of marriage. You will see a lady that is suffering trying to put something in the dish for the kids, running around, trying to solve problems, but, they will just keep going because they pray that one day their children, will grow up and become someone, and then they will be rewarded. So this is very deep in Senegal. And, uh, it helps, it helps to keep on going, doing those sacrifices. And, being in this modern society doesn’t help because this young generation they just, he don’t care about people, he don’t have the money, he doesn’t have what I need, then you just decide to leave the person, or the marriage, for just material, not for very important values. Those values kept our mothers in their houses, and I will not say there was no divorce, that would be false, but really there was not back in the days, uh, they use to fight a lot more to keep the family together then now a days. 

Breia: This is the last question, Do you have a song that defines you as a woman? 

Coumba: I’ve never thought about that. (everyone laughs) song, hmmmm, maybe it will come. Maybe it will come, I know that there is a song I will always remember about marriage because, it is, Sade. Do you know Sade? (Asks Husband, what was the song that we were listening to at our honeymoon) everyone laughs. We will find it.  

[ibitchytimemachine]

Real Men Don’t Make Sandwiches

anenglisheducation

How a well-constructed sandwich brings together two unlucky and unlikely souls: first Vegeta, the prince of a dead race who has bound himself to Earth for honor; the other Krillin, a lowly monk who just can't catch a break. A comedy. Sorta.

Read on Ao3 or on fanfiction.net.

As always, my thoughts below the cut, Spoilers!

Ok so I had just finished my submission for Smutfest, and I needed something refreshing to read. So I was looking through some recs (I can’t recall where I found this one) and I came across the idea of a VegetaXKrillin Buddy Cop-esque comedy. I honestly hadn't ever thought about this pairing, but it works. Krillin’s cautious and twitchy characterization works really well with Vegeta’s tsundere. I must say that this is in no way a romance. Ok so maybe a bromance, the true Bromance we need in fact. 

The prologue did not pull me in. From the tags, I had this idea about the story being this ridiculous amalgam of situations and after reading the prologue I have to admit I almost stopped reading. But just like with anime, I had to give it the three episode swing and I pushed through. I have to admit after the prologue it gets much better. 

So I just mentioned the tags. The Ao3 tags are a work of art

This really gives a sense of the dry humor that you will find in the story. It is simply hilarious. You have to have a dry wit with a touch of slapstick to really appreciate the beauty of the humor, which I must admit describes my humor perfectly. If you read the tags and think “WTF?!” and giggle a little, you will probably like this story. 

This story really does revolve around sandwiches. Krillin just falls into the job of making tens of sandwiches a day for Vegeta. Krillin is living at CC, we find out later why, and one day Vegeta is hunting down a chef to create food and there is Krillin making a sandwich. So thats how it starts. Vegeta gets lots of sandwiches and Krillin tricks him into answering questions in exchange for said meals. 

Vegeta wants to kill Krillin, because of course he does. When he thinks about Killing him though he remembers the delicious sandwiches and falters, thinking that if he does kill cueball, he won't get the delicious sandwichy goodness. SO this of course leads Vegeta to believe that pig, one of the meats on the sandwiches is some sort of poison that is supposed to calm him down. 

Theres no action (until the end of the story but we will get there in a minute). Really the story takes place in the kitchen, Vegeta eating sandwiches, trying not to kill Krillin and then taking a bite and realizing how he doesn't want the sandwiches to stop so he decides to spare him. This internal monologue happens several times. Each time is funny because it sounds so much like Vegeta. This writer has pegged the characterizations of both of these characters. Krillin is timid, until he's not, he is even tempered, rational, kind. Vegeta is an asshole. Bulma makes a few appearances and her characterization is also spot on. She's demanding and overbearing, but not in a bitchy way (until she is a bitch, but that is also on point for the character), and she pegs issues the characters are having with little real input from them. 

A few of my favorite jokes. 

1. Vegeta starts to believe that Goku has adopted all of earth as pets. He then comes to the conclusion that since Vegeta doesn't want to kill Krillin that he has adopted Krillin as his own pet. (this leads to a fantastic moment in the second to last chapter if you wanna know about it, READ THIS STORY)

2. Theres this moment that Krillin is telling him about his fight with Bacterian. Krillin is talking up how bad this dude smells and is leading up to the no nose punchline, the best part of this whole interaction is when Krillin is talking about Some people who have some of their senses crosswired, (certain sounds you see colors etc) and Vegeta just blasts out “oh yeah synesthesia” Ok so I am not a great story teller, but trust me, in context this is gold. 

3. Vegeta grants Krillin a favor and Krillin hugs Vegeta. This goes about as well as you can imagine. 

Vegeta is suffering from major culture shock. Realistically he knows nothing about Earth except people are crazy. At one point he tries to teach Krillin to eat. There is a goldmine of this long build up of slightly ridiculous that ends with this burst of crazy that is leads to these one liners that are hilarious. I went back to find a few that would be funny to put in here for the favorite jokes parts, but without the build of the context they are super flat. 

The driving force of the story lay in the sandwiches and the questions Krillin asks. Krillin asks a question and the Vegeta has this inner monologue that lasts an enormous amount of the chapter. Vegeta argues with himself in these monologues. He fills in some of the gaps about the PTO, and his life. The world building in this story is beautiful. I read a comment on FF that this reader considers the background canon, but honestly, its really good. My favorite bit of lore concerns the creation of the Saiyans. The creation myth is told in one of Vegeta’s inner monologues, and really it is fantastic. I could get behind this as a creation myth for the Sayians. I don't wanna spoil this because it is really phenomenal. 

So the three things this author has done well is characterization, world building and humor. 

I will say the last few chapters were not my favorite. There was this wonderful build to the end and with the revelation of why Krillin is around CC so much. This is a heavy moment. Krillin is not eating, he has withdrawn, he has been resurrected twice, which means he has died twice, he's a pity party of one. He's suffering from depression. Throughout the story you get the sense that something serious is wrong with Krillin, and it all comes to a head when he tells Vegeta to just get it over with and kill him. Of course Krillin doesn’t want to die but wow this was an emotionally charged moment of the chapter, and really for me the turning point of a chapter that up until then I thought was meh. This was a beautifully written moment because this writer really paints the perfect picture of someone who is depressed but is being forced to put on the airs of normalcy.  Anyone who has ever felt with soul crushing depression, and has had to force themselves through it knows that eventually it all just blows up. You either end up in bed not moving, not eating, not sleeping (or sleeping too much) doing nothing, or you loose your shit and yell and scream and make an ass out of yourself. It was a slow burn to this point, but worth it. Event hough I said the first part of the chapter was not my favorite, I don't think you could really change it. You see this is the climax of the story (duh) and there is a mood shift. Krillins depression is coming to a head and he can't really handle the situation anymore. So the once odd couple, slightly light hearted banter is replaced by Krillin having an emotional meltdown. It is really wonderful writing. 

The last update was a year ago on October 31, 2017. The story could very well be finished at this point, however the writer has set it up to have another two parts. The story on FF is complete (except for the continuations) and it is being moved over chapter by chapter to Ao3. As the chapters get moved over, they are being edited. The edits are for spelling and grammar only (as far as I can tell). The unedited chapters on FF.net are not bad, but there are some errors. None of these errors are bad enough to break the immersion of the story so if that is something you are worried about, don't, unless you are one of those people, then all I have to say is you shouldn't be reading MY reviews because I know how bad of a writer I am. There are 23 chapters on FF and I think as of this posting 13 on Ao3. The last chapter was uploaded to Ao3 about a month ago, so hopefully the writer is gonna begin writing again once they are all moved over.  

Either way. I 100 percent recommend this story. Its funny if you have a certain kind of humor. It is smart. The world building is fantastic. Characters are on point. The build is fantastic, not only to the emotional climax, but also the build to the punchlines (and they just keep on giving). No really go read this story... Plus sandwiches. 

If you liked this review, after you check out this fic, head over to my A03 and check my stuff out too!

[mindovermilitante]

Taking back my life. Chapter 1...

Hi All,

My name is Nathan Militante. Approximately 4 months ago i thought i had it all figured out on what i wanted to do and where i wanted to go in this world. Im here today September 13th 2018 to tell my past self and the other who stumble upon this blog that it hasn't been what i expected. If anything its been the complete opposite of hat Ive wanted. But its funny when i look back on the things i wanted for the future i could never put an actual object to it. I think its always been somewhat of a feeling to obtain. The feeling-of accomplishment, or having done something important in your life, or even knowing that you're on the right path. Also sorry for this whole blog its going to be out of order, I feel its best to just type and let the words flow out, but okay back to the story at hand. 

Its the middle of May. Im dressed in my graduation outfit getting ready to proceed through the ceremony. Millions of thoughts racing through my head. Where will i go from here, what will my education look like from this point on, who will i settle down with, will i trip on my way to getting my diploma? As i tried to understand what this day meant i think i started to formulate a plan of action. I think in my mind the idea of a plan always gave me an idea of a direction i wanted to go. And so the day went by and so did the expectation that my plan would develop. But as stated earlier, it didn't...or so i thought.

Speed up to today and I am currently working for Washoe County Health district as a health educator and disease investigator, I am currently living with 3 other of my best pals including my brother, continuing on with my photography, and in love with a girl i get to all my girlfriend. But yet through all that i still feel empty. Why? 

You see my whole life has been a “Why”. 

Why cant i just afford it

Why cant i just get this right 

Why cant this just be easy 

Why cant life just catch me a break. 

In saying why all the time i realized how much i had yet to accomplish in my life. but why (see i told you) is it that i’m only 23 and stressing about all of this. It feels as if my life up to this point hasn't been much to celebrate about. 

Sure college was hard but it wasn't that hard when your going full time and you have friends in college who are there to push you through it? 

Sure rent is expensive elsewhere but our house is falling apart sometimes and my roommates drive me crazy. 

Sure I can say i love my job but there are those days when i ponder if its all worth the cause. 

Sure i love my girlfriend but at times we dont agree with each other and theres things that we dont get along with. 

But thats just it...

In one fell swoop if already named of only a fraction of the things i have neglected to be thankful for... but yet i ask why. 

Today is September 13th 2018 and im enjoying a nice lunch of grilled chicken, one banana, and a couple raspberries. Did i mention im drinking this gnarly concoction of garlic, lemon, and water to alleviate my blood pressure? 1 day ago I got the news that my depression and anxiety had come back and in turn raised by blood pressure. 6 hours ago i woke up with the idea that my life would never be the same with this diagnosis, 3 hours ago i was taking a walk instead of my usual run hating my life. and 30 minutes ago i was alone in my house pondering that ever so question i have been asking all my life...

Why? 

It was only until our house dog looked at me in a way that made me look at myself. Kind of like that thing you do when you're drunk, high, or on cloud 9 in the bathroom and your thinking to yourself how did you get here and will this ever end. Instead the person in the mirror told me to type. type it all type it out and type until there is nothing left to type. And so Im here now typing and wondering where this will lead me. Its weird the idea of typing is actually somewhat exciting and relaxing. Of course i am also listening to the wonderful styings of Joey Pecarro. But as i type all of this out i begin to see what ive been missing or what has been missing for me to understand what i have. I love my life and where its gone so far. I love the process its given me, the challenges its set out in front of me, and the idea thats its only beginning. In doing so its also shown me how much i have to be thankful for.

First off my wonderful girlfriend. This beautiful courageous funny and loving person has been there for me ever since the beginning. Funny story i actually ghosted here pretty badly a couple moths after we had met. I thing the whole thing was because i was scared of what she would think of me. But she pulled me back into our relationship and time and time again she's pulled me back into the place that i belong. I love her immensely and i truly believe that most of my success wouldn't have occurred without her doing. I owe her a-lot and i hope to show even just a fraction of what she has done for me. 

Second my friends. Wow dont talk to me unless you find some friends like mine! Ever since i could remember ive always been the type of person to move from group to group. it wasn't to say i didn't like anyone, i just couldn't find that right fit. And then freshmen year of college came along and in that hustle and bustle of university life... i found them. It isn't safe to say that they dont bug me sometimes but its also safe to say that they have saved me and molded me into the person i am today. I never once in a million years would've thought i would end up with these guys but im thankful for them each and every day. 

Thirdly (i dont even know if thats a word, sorry not sorry)  my family. It cheesy and a platitude to say everyone should be thankful for their own family, but my journey to liking them was somewhat of a rough road. To begin m parents are divorced so having that strain on the family really distanced me from accepting who they were. Another point to establish is that my family is very tradition on how success needs to be measured. Its “you're going to be a doctor” or “why cant you be like the other kids” and even “in life you need to accomplish things by this age.” Hearing those things really put in a position believing that they didn't care much about me. Only the life i was living. But as the years went by they understood me more and the success i wanted to reach the more they supported me and changed their ways. Today i owe a great deal of thanks to them and the foundational skills of hard work they have given me. 

Now of course im thankful for so much more but dont want to bore you with that list. Ill just do it another day (haha). But i think to end this story i want to talk a little about what got me to writing this. Again I am terribly sorry about the horrible typos, organization, and all around messiness this passage has to offer but bear with me. tomorrow will be better. 

Just as the title says “Taking back my life, chapter 1″, i really do want to take back my life. I suffer from serious bouts of depression and anxiety and for most of my life its been right there in the passenger seat ordering me where to go. But today ive decided to change that. I think today its not about asking why is this happening to me but rather saying to myself “its going to be okay”. Because at the end of the day it will be. But only if its done on my terms and my time. I know things take time and i know il probably have my days where it wont be perfect, but thats okay. i have to start living my life according to me, and not some mental disease. Im scared, stressed, terrified, and sick of what will happen now but those things keep me alive. Its by feeling those things that i know im moving on in the world. Forget a plan and forget trying to understand why something happens. Its time to take back my life and living it day by day with the ones I love. As for this blog i hope to keep updating it about my journey and the things i want to accomplish, the dreams i have, and the memories i make. 

Seneccca said 

“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. But when it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing. So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it… Life is long if you know how to use it.”

Lastly, Im probably the last person someone with depression should talk to, but if you're out there and reading this and going through something. always know there is always something to be grateful for, someone to always know has your back, something you can always fall in love doing, and something to always look forward to. And if you cant think of anything I will always be there for you. 

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

[rohobi]

Drive me crazy | (B)

pairing— jung hoseok x reader, boynextdoor AU genre — blurb, fluff, angst summary — based entirely off the late 90′s romantic comedy “Drive me crazy”. Not my plot at all, added lots of bits that are mine but mostly this film.  ↪ A/N: Literally on a 90′s movie binge and I hate myself because all I can think about is how great these movies would be if BTS were in it.  ► Listen | May this fuel your daydreams!  You and Hoseok live next door to each other. He lives with his single and lonely father. You live with your divorced candle making mother. Despite only living separated by an oak tree, after Hoseok goes through a difficulty grieving period, he pushes you away. You grow up worlds apart as a result. 

Obsessed with the latest trends, you’re a popular socialist. Hoseok is the beanie wearing opposite, an unpopular activist with a passion for hip hop dancing. 

You wouldn’t miss a single basketball game with your socialite friends. In fact, it was unthinkable, you couldn’t miss Min Yoongi play. He needed water and towels and support, and when he did, you wanted to be there for him.  Hoseok can be found in underground cafes or in record stores with his dorky crew of misfits. And if you want to be specific, you’d find him walking through the doors of Misfits on a Friday night at 10:12pm because no one cool turns up to before 10. 

You want a dream date with the star basketball player, Min Yoongi, for senior prom. You were certain everybody in the goddamn school but him knew you did but right before it was certain you were going together, Yoongi falls in love with a cheerleader named Park Jimin. He swears it was love at first sight. 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the tree, Hoseok’s girlfriend, Lia, dumps him for not joining her in anti-fur march -very publicly in front of all of his friends. Heartbroken and determined to get her back, you and Hoseok reluctantly join forces to get them back. 

Brainstorming on his star wars covered blankets, you order pizza and come up with ideas to make them jealous. “I don’t see how any of this could make Lia jealous, unlike Yoongi, she is a very intellectual person.”  Slapping your forehead, you grown. “I have a feeling you’re going to drive me crazy.” 

Rolling his eyes, he shoves a piece of pizza in your mouth. “Well that’s good because you can’t drive.” 

“Oh shut up.” 

You spend the rest of the night researching through rom coms. Hoseok’s never had a girl in his room before but he’s not about to tell you that, it’s nice having you back in his life again. 

But he’s not going to tell you that either. 

Hoseok allows you to do a makeover on him to make him more presentable to the other social circles at school. Purely for your own benefit, you make him trade in Hawaiian shirts for college hoodies and snapbacks, nike chinos and proper sneakers. The school is bewitched by his new look and low key …so are you. 

In return, Hoseok takes you to a concert of his favourite underground rap artist and then drives you up the hill to look at the stars. You fall into a deep discussion about what happened all those years ago that pushed you apart as friends. You hug and then decide you both fucking deserve love too, so you make a scheme to win Yoongi and Lia back. 

Hoseok agrees while you stare at the stars. “It’s beautiful, don’t you think?” 

He smiles, bewitched by the look on your face. “Yeah, beautiful.”

The scheme is to publicly date each other and it works. Nothing is excluded; you date, hug, hold hands, laugh, share clothes and in front of everyone at the school cafeteria when Lia loudly scolds him for becoming one of the cool kids weeks later. To save him from the humiliation, you pull him close and kiss him. 

And you kiss him hard. 

The cafeteria erupts with squealing, smiling against your mouth, he scoops you up into his arms and you kiss until you’re both breathless and forced apart by his friends begging you both to “get a room”. 

Which prompts you to say, “we’ve got one, you’re just in it.” 

Lia storms off at this, prompting Hoseok to push you away and run after her. You watch on, feeling a strange tug of pain in your stomach. Am I not good enough? But this is apart of the scheme, this is good, you shouldn’t be feeling this way. 

Yoongi sweeps in not that long after, wanting to get to know the girl who’s making a guy so happy the whole school can feel it. “Hi, want to get dinner tonight, unless you and Hoseok are …serious.” 

You falter but you smile because this is what you wanted right? “Sure, pick me up at 7.” 

Your scheme begins to work: you both get the people you wanted. Yoongi falls in love with your laughter, prompted by the jealousy he felt watching you with Hoseok. 

But in the midst of planning the details of the prom and staring off into the distance thinking about Hoseok whenever Yoongi talked and when Lia dragged Hoseok away from talking to you, you both realise that the scheme worked. 

Just …with each other. 

Yoongi gets drunk at Jimin’s house party and hooks up with him in front of you. You wish you cared and all you do is shrug when they both look at you. “Guess it just wasn’t meant to be?” you say. 

Jimin starts kissing up his neck, Yoongi grins sympathetically. “I’m sorry I’m not him.”  You leave the party, stealing a couple bottles of red wine as you go. The lord knows you’ll be needing these. You cry and drink the rest of the wine as you put on your slim fitting black ball gown. 

“Honey, you ready to go? I’ve got a date soon, so we need to make a move!” your mother shouts, knocking on your door. Wiping the tears away from yours eyes, you shout back, “Yes mum!”  You attend the prom alone. Meanwhile, Hoseok can’t stop thinking about you and that goddamn kiss. Looking up at the stars, he realises that he misses you. “They were only ever beautiful when I was with you.”  Hoseok dumps Lia across town at an animal rights protest to be with you. He checks his watch, certain, he has enough time to go home and suit up. His father drives him to the prom with your mother in the passenger seat, he doesn’t question why they look dishevelled. 

Arriving at the prom, he punches Yoongi in the face when he spots him making out with Jimin. Yoongi falls to the ground and Jimin pushes Hoseok away, telling him that he has no right to punch Yoongi, in fact, Yoongi has more of a right to punch Hoseok. Confused, Jimin explains that you looked more in love with him than you ever did when you were with Yoongi. 

“She likes me?” Hoseok questions, running his fingers through his hair. 

Folding his arms over his chest, he nods his head. “Duh.”  

Hoseok watches you watch all of your friends dance with their dates. You were way too shy to ask anyone else to dance, that was clear. So, you sip your drink. And then, Hoseok watches you pull out a flask from your bra as you pour what looks like red wine into your glass.  He shakes his head in laughter before crossing the floor. “Typical.” 

He moves swiftly, one polished leather shoe after the other until he stands before you, hand outstretched, smile across his face. “Y/N, can I have this dance? or would you prefer to drink with me outside.” 

You look him up and down. Black and white suit, first three buttons undone like you had taught him and with his burgundy hair parted in the middle, he looked gorgeous. Smiling back, you place your hand into his. “I thought you’d never ask …I’m saying yes to the dance…” 

Hoseok smiles down at your hand as he holds it tight. “I’m glad you did because I can’t handle my alcohol.” 

You snort, wrapping your arms around his neck when you move onto the dance floor. “Never knew I had anything in common with alcohol because you can’t handle me either.” 

Resting his hands on your hips, he pulls you close until your noses touch. “Not true. I don’t want to get drunk and black out on alcohol but I would love to get drunk on you and remember how red your cheeks get when I call you beautiful, or how tenderly you hold my face as though I would break when you kiss me, or how long it would take you to notice the food on your face when we’re eating burgers or-

“-Hoseok, I get it, you love me.” 

Leaning his forehead on yours, he grins. “I do.” 

You close your eyes. “And I love you too.” 

You dance with him for the rest of the night, admitting to each other that you both majority fucked up and fell in love with each other but that it was the best kind of fuck up they could’ve made. You hate basketball and Hoseok couldn’t care less about animals when humans were in a dire state. 

He kisses you when Yoongi is crowned prom king and then he kisses you again, right underneath the disco ball with more tongue than should be allowed on school property when Tinashe’s Flame begins to blast through the big PA system. 

He walks you home, tenderly kissing you by your front door when the moment is ruined by his dad sneaking out. Your mother runs up behind him, as equally as dishevelled. Caught red handed, your parents confess to wanting to move in together. Hoseok laughs at the turn of events, wrapping his hand around your waist instead of commenting on it. 

“We should talk.” your mother says, looking at Hoseok’s hand around you in alarm. 

Leaning into Hoseok, you snort at her. “You two can talk about it here, Hoseok and I can talk about it at his.” 

Your parents watch Hoseok happily pick you up in your ball dress, twirling you around on the driveway before you push him away when he grabs your ass. Laughter fills the silent suburbia as you run in your heels to his door with Hoseok closely behind.  Hoseok’s father holds your mother close as they both watch in equal parts shock and happiness. “Like father, like son. What can I say, theres something about you girls that just make us go loco.”  “I have a feeling it’s mutual,” your mother says, slapping his hand away as she steps back inside. “They’re old enough to do whatever they want, come back inside, I want you to do that thing with your tongue again.”

“Coming right up my love,” he shuffles you away from the door so he can close it behind him. “God you drive me crazy.” 

Drive me crazy (1999)

[paralysedbyts]

Bridges burn... ... at least I did one thing right

Taylor was right her bridges do burn, let us take a look at all of Taylor's burning bridges:

If you and I are a story that never gets told, if you and I are a daydream I'll never get to hold at least you'll know

You say that the past is the past, you need one chance, it was a moment of weakness and you said yes

The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet, ill catch you, ill catch you, when people say things that bring you to your knees ill catch you, the times is going to come when you are so mad you cry, but ill hold you through the night until you smile

you played in bars, you play guitar, I'm invisible and everyone knows who you are, and youll never sing, sing me to sleep, every night from the radio

And ill scream out the window, I cant even look at you, I don't need you, but I do I do I do, ill say theres nothing you can say to make this right again, I mean it, I mean it, what I mean is

back then I swore I was going to marry him someday, but I realised some bigger dreams of mine, and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind and we both cried.

hey Stephan, I could give you 50 reasons why I should be the girl you chose, all those other girls, well they are beautiful, but would they write a song for you

And there you are on your knees begging for forgiveness begging for me, just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night, I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know youre about to cry, I know your favourites songs and you tell me about your dreams, I think I know where you belong, I think i know its with me

its 2am feeling like I just lost a friend, hope you know its not easy easy for me

why do you have to make me feel small, so you can feel whole inside, and why do you have to put down my dreams so you are the only thing in my mind

you had me crawling for you honey and it never would've gone away np, you used to shine so bright but I watched our loving fade

he cant see the smile I'm faking and my hearts not breaking cause I'm not feeling anything at all, and you were wild and crazy, just so frustrating intoxicating, complicated, got away by some mistake and now

tonight we'll stand, get off our knees, fight for what we've worked for all these years, and the battle was long, its the fight of our lives and we'll stand up champions tonight

lets be real, every speak now bridge

this is the state of grace, this is the worthwhile fight, love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right, these are the hands of fate, youre my Achilles heel, this is the golden age of something good and right and real

remembering him comes in flash backs and echoes ell myself its time now got to let go, but moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head in burning red

two headlines shine through the sleepless night and I would get you and get you alone, you name echoes through my mind and I just think you should think you should know, that nothing safe is worth the drive, and I would follow you, follow you home, ill follow you, follow you home

and the saddest fears comes creeping in, that you never loved me or her or anyone or anything

maybe we got lost in translation maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you torn it all up, running scared I was there I remember it all too well, hwy you call me up again just to break me like a promise so casually cruel in the name of being honest, I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying her cause I remember it all all all too well, time wont fly its like I'm paralysed by it, id like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it after plaid shirt days and those nights where you made me your own, now I mail back your things and I walk home alone, but you keep my own scarf from the very first week, cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me, you cant get rid of it cause you remember it all too well

we made quiet a mess babe, its probably better off this way and I confess babe in my dreams I am touching your face and asking me if I want to trying again with you and I almost do

distance, timing breakdown, fighting silence train runs off its tracks kiss me try to fix it, could you just try to listen, hang up, give up for the life of us we cant get back

it was a few years later I showed up here and they still tell the legend of how you disappeared, how you took your money and you dignity and got the hell out, they say you bought a bunch of land somewhere, chose the rose garden over madison square, it took sometime but I understand it know, cause now my names in up in lights, but I think you got it right

like any great love it keeps you guessing, like any real love its ever changing, like any truth love it drives you crazy, but you know you wouldnt change anything anything anything

boys only want love if its torture, don't say I didn't say I didn't warn you

remember when you hit the breaks too soon, 2o stitches in a hospital room, you started crying, I did too, when the sun came up I was looking at you, remember when we couldn't take the heat I walked out and said i'm setting you free but the monster turned out to be just trees, when the sun came up you were looking a me

band aids don't fix bullet holes, you say sorry just for show, if you life like that you live with ghosts, band aids don't fix bullet holes you say sorry just for show, if you live like that you live with ghosts, if you love like that blood runs cold

youll see me in hindsight tangled uo with you all night burning it down, someday when you leave me, I bet these memories with follow you around

your kiss, my cheek, I watched you leave, you smile, my ghost, I fell to my knees, when youre young you just run, but you come back to what you need.

they take their shots but we are bullet proof, and you know for me its always you, in the dead of night your eyes so green, I know for you its always me

10 months sober I must admit just because youre clean don't mean you don't miss it, 10 older I wont give in, now that I'm clean I'm never going to risk it

I reached for you but you were gone, I knew I had to go back home, you searched the world for omethign else to make you feel like what we  had, but in the end in wonderland we both went mad

so it goes you two are dancing in a snow globe round and round, he keeps a picture of you in his office downtown, you understand now why they lost your minds and fought the wars, and I spent my whole life trying to put it into words

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me, ill be the actress staring in your bad dreams

you make me so happy it turns back to sad, there is nothing I hate more than what I cant have, you are so goregus it makes me so mad, you make me so happy it turns back to sad there is nothing I hate more than what I cant have, guess ill just stumble on home to my cats, alone, unless you want to come along

I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck, chain round my neck not because he owns me, because he really knows me, which is more than they can say, I recall late November, holding my breath, slowly I said, you don't k=have to save me, but would you run away with me yes

[yeoldontknow]

Did You See?

Author’s Note: lord i am so glad someone requested Jongin fluff so i could make up for the torture that is Mourning Air. this is a gift for @kpopandlock and i hope hope hope i have done this justice. romance comes very hard for me unless theres chapters of tension and build up, so i hope this makes every Nini stan swoon just a tiny bit <3 enjoy loves!

Pairing: Kai x Reader

Summary: every day, you fall a little bit more in love with your best friend, Jongin. everyday, you ache for him. everyday, you miss all the signs of something he’s been trying to tell you.

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 3,068

Nini[2:06 AM]: you up?

Y/N[2:08 AM]: yeah why

Nini[2:08 AM]: are you hungry?

Y/N[2:10 AM]: !!! diner run? :)

Nini[2:11 AM]: i have a better idea ;)

Y/N[2:12 AM]: better than 2AM waffles?? D:

Nini[2:13 AM]: promise to keep an open mind

Y/N[2:14 AM]: nini it’s too early...or late idk to be open minded~~

Nini[2:15 AM]: ok then be spontaneous

Y/N[2:16 AM]: what are you suggesting

Nini[2:18 AM]: cheesesteaks

Y/N[2:18 AM]: im not fucking cooking at 2 in the morning, are you high

Nini[2:20 AM]: nooo let’s go GET them i know an amazing food truck in philly

Y/N[2:21 AM]: are you driving?

Nini[2:21 AM]: as long as you DJ

Y/N[2:22 AM]: come pick me up~~ <3

Nini[2:23 AM]: that’s my girl! be there in 10

True to his word, Jongin arrives ten minutes later looking too put together for what you think is just a night drive. He stands in your doorway, bright smile making you feel like you’re ascending dawn, grey hoodie and running pants matching with a casual, attractive air of non-effort. You want to comment on this, tell him he's overdressed and making you tumble into a state of longing, but before you can speak, he leans over to kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear. 

‘We’re taking the scenic route.’

This is nothing new for him. He's said these same words to you hundreds of times on different occasions, sometimes even in metaphor, but tonight it feels different. Tonight, his breath hovers over your ear a little too long and it takes all your willpower not to press your cheek to his. You know you're alone in this sentiment, know that these feelings are one sided and must remain this way for the benefit of your friendship. But still, tonight, these words make you want him more. 

The highway is empty as you drive, chasing the moon and stars with your headlights. You watch him, studying the way he seems to glow in the night, and think he never really looks as relaxed or as serene as when he's driving. With one hand on the wheel and the other out the window, fingers dancing in the cool night air, his face is placid and happy, eyes bright and filled with hidden laughter as he drives. This is when you really see him, truly see all the vulnerable parts of him, when he's pensive and assumes no one is looking; when he's alone with you. 

Mirroring his position, you stick your arm out the window and find yourself falling into the moment, collapsing into it. You've never felt closer to him than right now, driving on the interstate for a spontaneous cheesesteak run. You've never felt more alive than in this moment, as the state Pennsylvania sign passes you by. Beside you trees and trees and trees pass along the river bank, and you're glad he chose this route. You're glad he wanted the extra time with you and no one else, not even other strangers on this secluded road. You're glad that he wants you, even if it's only like this.

Eventually, you fall asleep - not a truly deep sleep, just dozing softly, hand still catching the wind as your head lulls to the side with parted lips.

You are asleep and so you don't see it. You don't see the way he turns to look at you, your skin shimmering as the first glimmers of the sun start to pour over your face. You don't see the way he smiles, admiration of you beginning to eat away at and melt through him. You don't see him reach for your hand as it rests on your thigh with loose fingers, and the way he pauses just over the palm. He ghosts over it, molding his hand above it as though he were miming the hold, before pulling it back to the gear shift. You don't see him clutch at it, holding it and pretending it is your skin.

You don't see him tumbling with you.

Nini[1:33 PM]: you going to jongdae’s thing tonight?

Y/N[1:35 PM]: idk maybe. i have to see if i feel up for it

Nini[1:37 PM]: pllssss!! youre never really up for these things and i need you with me tonight

Y/N[1:40 PM]: why tonight of all nights? lmao youve gone to so many parties without me

Nini[1:41 PM]: because tonight i just don’t want to be without you :)

Y/N[1:42 PM]: this is not a reason

Nini[1:43 PM]: excuse me, it’s the only reason that matters

Y/N[1:44 PM]: you know i get shy at parties

Nini[1:46 PM]: jongdae and i will be there

Y/N[1:48 PM]: and if it were just you two it would be ok - it wouldnt even be a party~~ it's other people nini :/

Nini[1:50 PM]: i’ll be with you the whole night i promise :))

Y/N[1:52 PM]: youre not going to take no for answer are you :c

Nini[1:52 PM]: nope :D

Y/N[1:56 PM]: fine. ill meet you there ugh

Nini[1:58 PM]: thank you duchess! i'll make it up to you! <3

Y/N[1:58 PM]: you better

Jongin finds you the minute you enter the crowded house, his hand seeking yours and threading your fingers together as you push through the door. You know he’s already drunk, though you don’t know how long he’s been here. Like usual, his body is craving contact after only a few drinks of alcohol. Typically, he keeps you close by so he can touch your skin and soothe his bleary ache for affection, never allowing you to wander too far out of reach. Always this is born out of trust, you think. He knows and trusts you enough to take these things from you, expects them to be freely given because the language of your relationship dictates it. 

Always, he does this and doesn't see the way hope brims over and leaks from your pores. Always, he doesn't see you swoon.

‘I'm glad you came!’ Jongdae shouts over the music as he hands you a drink. ‘You literally never come to my parties. This is such a nice surprise.’

‘This one persuaded me,’ you concede, tilting your head in Jongin’s direction. He’s distracted, eyes scanning the room with a wide smile offered to everyone but you. Seeing this makes your heart sink a little, knowing that, at some point, even if he doesn't mean to, his promise to you will be broken. 

It only takes an hour.

After leading you around the room, squeezing your hand as you talk through your shyness with others and whispering that he's proud of you, he leaves your side at the first notes of his favourite song. For a few minutes, you watch him dance and sing, jumping and moving with an ease that makes you envious. When he laughs, his mouth becomes a glorious circle, head cocking back as though he can't contain the force of his joy. When he sings along, his eyes close in sheer delight at being young and being alive. 

You find this all too beautiful and too heartbreaking to look at. It only makes you want him more.

So you turn and go out to the yard, hoisting yourself into the fence rungs to sit and drink, taking small sips of whatever is in your cup so you don’t get drunk. It's quiet here, perfect for thinking and longing and wishing on all the stars you can count.

Your back is to the door, so you don't see it. You don't see the way Jongin searches for you the moment the song ends, biting his lips and furrowing his brow in worry. You don't see the way he smiles, awed and moved by the way you hum to yourself as you stargaze. You don't see him lean against the door, eyes turning up to the same star and filled with hopeful wonder. 

You don't see him wish that you were his.

Y/N[6:33 PM]: come over

Nini[6:35 PM]: mmmmm why? movie night?

Y/N[6:36 PM]: if you want. im making your fave tho, so i thought id ask

Nini[6:37 PM]: CHICKEN????

Y/N[6:40 PM]: lmao yes and if youre a good boy ill even let you help me cook

Nini[6:41 PM]: excuse you i am always a good boy

Y/N[6:43 PM]: you abandoned me at the party last weekend. that was very naughty ;(

Nini[6:45 PM]: i told you i was sorry :( and i didnt really abandon you. dont say that :(((

Y/N[6:46 PM]: THAT WAS HOW IT FELT NINIKINS

Nini[6:48 PM]: im so confused like youre upset with me but youre using my nickname and i ?????

Y/N[6:49 PM]: i was upset but im not anymore its ok bb. are you coming?

Nini[6:50 PM]: yeah be there in 15?

Y/N[6:52 PM]: ok. bring wine please

Nini{6:52 PM]: you got it duchess <3

You leave the door unlocked for him, an open invitation to your home, your heart, your life. When he arrives, he’s carrying your favourite red wine and a small chocolate cake he acquired from a bakery along the way.

‘I want to feel like I’m contributing,’ he murmurs with a bashful smile. 

‘Aww,’ you coo, taking the cake from him and tapping his cheek. ‘I would have let you cut some broccoli but this is much better.’ 

He lingers behind you for a while, watching the way you cut and stir and manage time in your kitchen. It bewilders him, a little bit, the science of cooking becoming something of an art beyond his comprehension. This is the one thing you can hold above him, the one skill you have that he doesn’t, and you are too proud to admit that you sometimes use this to be close to him. Tonight is an example, how you decided to make chicken only because he said he would come over. How you decided to even consider it because he would be here and near you and doing exactly this: pressing himself behind you to watch and share your air.

After several minutes he moves away from you, pulling out his phone and scrolling through it with a content, placid expression.

‘Where’s that speaker I got you for your birthday?’

‘In the bathroom by the sink.’

He disappears and comes back seconds later, holding the black rectangle in his hand as he syncs it with his phone.

‘We’re going to listen to some music and you’re going to relax.’

You scoff, flipping chicken in the skillet. ‘I don’t need relaxing.’ 

‘Yes, you do,’ he says firmly. ‘Even the way you said that was tense.’

Setting the spatula on the counter, you turn to face him with a cocked eyebrow. ‘Now who’s the tense one?’

He doesn’t bother to respond to this. Instead, he hits play and soft soul music starts to play from the speaker. Sighing, you turn back to the stove and attempt to make yourself look busy. This was done on purpose. He knows that soul music feels like it belongs to you in some way, like you’ve claimed it as the sound of your blood.

What he doesn’t know is that the sight of him dancing to Otis Redding will hurt you, hurt you in a way that would make your heart feel as though it were bleeding. He doesn’t know that the sight of his hips swaying to the rhythm would make your breath catch, pausing at the sight to admire and memorize it before continuing with a quickened pace. He doesn’t and cannot know these things, so you keep your back to him in order to protect yourself. Because now, you think, you cannot possibly want him more.

Your back is to him, so you don’t see it. You don’t see the way he approaches you, eyes hungry and arms outstretched to hold you in the them. You don’t see the way he reaches for you, hands coming to rest atop your hips like he’s claiming you the way you’ve claimed the music. When he starts dancing with you, moving your body with his as he presses himself tightly against you, you don’t see the way his lips part to exhale against your hair. You don’t see the way his mouth hovers above your ear for too long, tongue desperate to lick against the lobe. You don’t see the way his eyes roll back in his head as you push against him, lightly, teasingly, and the way his fingers twitch to run themselves beneath the band of your shorts. The way they yearn to sneak beneath the band of your underwear to press, and touch, and stroke.

You don’t see the way he finally, truly, believes he is losing control. 

Nini[1:40 AM]: are you up?

Y/N[1:43 AM]: yeah why - MORE CHEESESTEAKS?

Nini[1:44 AM]: can i come over?

Y/N[1:44 AM]: are you ok?

Nini[1:45 AM]: i need to see you

Y/N sent a photo

Y/N[1:46 AM]: see! it’s me!

Nini[1:46 AM]: no. i need you see you. please.

Y/N[1:47 AM]: jongin youre scaring me. whats going on?

Nini[1:48 AM]: please say yes. just say i can see you. i just need you.

Y/N[1:49 AM]: yes babe yes the door is unlocked

Nini[1:50 AM]: on my way 

Five years. You’ve known Jongin for five years. 

Four years. You’ve loved Jongin for four years.

Never have you seen him look like this. For years you’ve watched him stumble into and out of love with anguish, grace, and pride, and still he’s never looked like this. 

He’s in your doorway and he looks like he’s gasping, swallowing whole mouthfuls of the air to catch his breath and to catch your scent. Hair has fallen into his eyes, his wide eyes that look at you as though they’ve reached their limit or found something - they’re fixed on you so completely you’re starting to feel naked beneath the gaze. There’s suffering happening beneath his skin. He’s fraught and fighting with something and you’re scared, you’re scared because you feel he brought the air of change with him and it’s making you vulnerable and uncomfortable.

He rushes into your house but doesn’t sit. His feet carry him in nondescript patterns around your living room, pacing in an almost frantic way.

‘Jongin,’ you whisper loudly, trying not to startle him out of his panic. ‘Jongin, what is going on?’ 

‘I reach for you,’ he blurts out, turning to look at you as though he’s had an epiphany. ‘I reach for you all the time and you never see it.’

Your brain muddles over these words, toys with them and breaks them apart to try to understand them but comes up empty and confused. 

‘You reach for me?’ you ask, breathless though you don’t know why. Something is happening, and your body is in on it first, making you lose faith and trust in the air and yourself. 

‘I reach for you,’ he repeats. ‘Something happens in my day, and I reach for my phone to tell you. I crave food at two in the morning, and I reach for you to come with me. I watch you cook, and I want to touch you, so I reach for you but you don’t see me. I am always reaching for you, and I need you to see me.’ 

The words rush out of his mouth like they’ve been waiting to be released for years, like he’s practiced them hundreds of times and now that he’s finally saying them he can’t wait to get them out. 

You’re facing him, and now you see it. You see the way his hands reach out to you as he approaches you, coming to cup your face gently and cradle it as though it were treasure. You see the way his eyes bore into yours, filled with love and lust and longing. You see the way he is breaking, shattering beneath his desire and how his breath is coming too quickly to really keep him alive. You see the way the world is spinning but you both are still in this moment, learning to reach for one another.

‘Do you see?’ he asks, softly with a trembling lip. ‘Do you see why I needed to be here? To hold you?’

You close your eyes and nod.

‘Don’t do that,’ he whispers.

You open your eyes and make to speak, but his thumb softly swipes over your bottom lip and tugs it gently down to luxuriate in its plumpness.

‘Don’t close your eyes,’ he clarifies. ‘ I want you to see.’ 

Eyes open wide, you watch as he lifts your chin upwards and presses his forehead against yours, taking the moment to breathe together. You watch as he slides just out of view and presses your lips together, your body suddenly warm with the contact and wetness pooling between your thighs. Keeping your eyes open, you let him kiss you, gently and full of purpose with a warm mouth and a soft tongue. Your eyes roll back just slightly as your hands fist in his hair, tongue pressing against his in time with your hips. His hands slide down your back to fist in the hem of your shirt, pulling it up as he moans, loudly and without shame, as his fingers touch your hot skin, and you see.

You see how you both took the scenic route to get here, to this moment. You see how having him in your arms makes the world brighter. You see how kissing him like this makes the world move slower.

You see how badly you need him. You finally see how deeply he loves you.