#theres nothing i can do through the in-game settings either btw

[snorfbin]

.

[budugaapologist]

my honest opinions of the ac games (theres only 4 good ones)

AC1: you cant pay me money to play this i do not care dude nothing in this interests me because of the mechanics in it. the only things i like from this game are maria and malik and calling altaïr altaïqueer other than that i dont give a shit.

AC2: not good. hype not deserved. combat system sucks as well as the parkour and thats like the selling point of the games.

Brotherhood: same as above; not good/hype not deserved. stalking isnt sexy btw.

Revelations: the only ezihoe game i "liked" but even then i just really hate ezio, id rather play as sofia.

Chronicles: i dont have a desire to play them though i do consider the china one. only problem is guess what fucking bitch is in it.

AC3: as an american the main story is the most boring thing ever. running around in the homestead and frontier is the only part that is good. the naval combat is dog shit.

Liberation: i cannot tell you what happens in the story. i have played this maybe four times. i dont remember anything but the beginning and end. it was fun to explore but the audio in the game is just bad. i think this would be cool as like a pixel game.

AC4 Black Flag: i still have dreams about this game. the story is very good and all of the side characters aside from burgess and cockram have their own rememberable characteristics. graphically its beautiful ecen on ps3 and with some really unconventionally attractive characters. the side content isnt overwhelming and the hacking is a nice change of pace from battling ships and taking forts. its genuinely super well balanced and edward is a relatable character. i would prefer more equality with the clothing on the male/female assassins since. well. either make them both whores or both prudes. but other than that its a great game, the naval combat isnt hard it just takes a few battles to practice. also you can play this game without any other prior ac experience, i know this because i did and i loved it on the first play through. ever since then every other ac game is disappointing aside from Syndicate and Origins.

Freedom Cry: if you so much as try to argue that this isnt worth playing i'll kill you. if you play r*gue and dont consider playing this i genuinely believe you are racist. playing AC4 i think that FC is mandatory after it. this is the only expansion i condone spending money on. im not spoiling anything. play the fucking game.

R*gue: its racist. i said what i said.

Unity: you know when pretty people have no personality? okay but now make that a game. i will reblog gifsets of this game but no. i will not play it again. also?? theyre not even french theyre british you tellin me a canadian company couldnt get french VAs?

Syndicate: literally so easy so stupid i love it. i feel so good at video games when i play it. i recommend it to people a lot because its "inclusive" (i feel more indian people wouldve been nice. also a lot of the women are just evie 2) and its easy to relate to either jacob or evie. the story isnt that great but its fun to follow along with anyway and the side content isnt super overwhelming. i love how gross they made london look its a great touch.

Origins: i also recommend this one. basically i only recommend AC4, FC, Syndicate, and Origins. i find the drama of this one real good, its a revenge story that is compelling especially if you have a kid or have dealt with child loss. the second game to ever make me shocked after a death (first was ac4 with thatch). i also love the fights with the gods and i really love the african biome and i think its super overlooked in media, i think more rpg games set in african-esque areas would be cool. honestly the only thing that keeps me from playing this game over is i always get busy halfway through a playthrough. also that one elephant mission terrified me. i think about kensa and khaliset and taharqa and shadya a lot.

Odyssey: when it comes down to it this game is boring. idk what you want me to say its really boring. lgbt cash grab. way overhyped, its not that interesting and theres just too much in the game. it suffers from prioritizing quantity over quality. sure theres some great lines in the game and a few okay characters but a lot of if not all the characters are one dimensional and bland, as well as the movements and facial expressions. i think the ac franchise shouldve been wrapped up in origins, this wouldve worked better alone.

Valhalla: ugh where to begin... i couldnt even get halfway through this game. this is just Skyrim without the dragons and todd howard. and what is Skyrim without todd? boring and uneventful, apparently. why on earth are we able to change history so much in a game franchise that was originally about reliving history? just make the main character a woman if theyre supposed to be one, like in odyssey, the "having an option to be a man" is so fucking stupid. if being a female character makes AAA games unsellable riddle me Horizon Zero Dawn and Tomb Raider. this should have been a spin off game or a stand alone project.

anyway, those are my thoughts. no, i will not being playing any new ac games. at this point the only ac games i dont have blocked in my tag sections are black flag, liberation, origins, and syndicate (and unity but thats because i do enjoy looking at it. pretty but no personality, like i said).

if youve never played an AC game before, the only ones you should play if youre interested are black flag, freedom cry, syndicate, and origins, in that order or with syndicate first, though seeing as freedom cry and origins are very heavy games having a stupid one in the middle can help balance the anger and tears.

for those that have played ac games, obviously this is my opinion and you may have other opinions, but i dont honestly care, no arguing that 'actually blah blah is a good game' on this post im not gonna listen, make your own post ♡. im pretty fed up with most of the stuff that comes out of the franchise anyway.

at the end of the day, play what you want and dont ;) pirate the four ac games i recommend if you are interested in them that would be sooo bad haha ;).

[sparklingseb]

Sparklingseb’s Fic Rec!

Hi everyone! I’ve practically relied on fic recs for months when I want to read something new. I have been reading fics for over a year and these are some of the fics that I absolutely adored. Also a little forewarning, my favorite fics are usually multi-chapter fics that are either mcu based, college au’s, neighbor, or bodyguard fics, and i love a good slow burn, but I’ve read some fics that dont pertain to those preferences that are amazing. Some of these fics are not finished but I still loved them so I’m including them on here. These are in no particular order btw! PSA: Some of these fics have mature themes so I will mention that in the description of the fic!

When Everything’s Made to be Broken (I Just Want You to Know Who I Am) by @cassiopeiassky

When you inadvertently become a witness to a murder and are suddenly a target for death, it takes a specially skilled soldier and his team to keep you alive and your family protected.

Mature Themes- This has to me one of my favorite fics of all time (if not my definite favorite). The raw emotions shown throughout the fic as well as the character developments just made me feel every emotion known to man. I have read this fic more than 5 times because honestly I just cannot get enough of it. I think this fic has one of the most accurate portrayals of Bucky’s character out there. I can’t recommend this fic enough, please do yourself a favor and read it!

A Lesson in Love by @buckyywiththegoodhair

(College!AU) In which you’re assigned to write a story about romance, a subject you know nothing about, and Bucky, a hopeless romantic, offers you his assistance.

I adore this fic, and its not just because I love college!Bucky fics. Nicole’s writing style is absolutely gorgeous and the way that she portrays Bucky is like the perfect blend of 40′s Bucky and post tws!Bucky all without being in the MCU timeline. This fic made me sob and I have read it so many times that I’ve lost count. I honestly could go on about this fic forever so I’ll stop myself but just know that this is honestly a piece of art.

Bloody Roses by @the--sad--hatter

What you thought was a trapped squirrel turned out to be a super soldier in need. It’s not every day an Avenger turns up in your garden, in serious need of help but you deal with it as best as you can.

And then, to your surprise, he keeps showing up.

I found this fic relatively recently compared to the rest of the fics on this list, but I absolutely adored it. As a (mostly) major introvert I really related to this fic. I feel like I’ve never experienced a writing style quite like Kara’s and its absolutely beautiful. The descriptions in this work made me feel like I was there in the moment living through every moment. Really just a beautiful fic in general. 

Safe With Me by @bitsandbobsandstuff

When an unknown threat enters your life, protection is offered at the highest level. As Bucky Barnes comes into your life, the game changes, and you realize falling for the man tasked with keeping you safe is the last thing you expected.    

Mature Themes- Here is where my weakness for bodyguard!bucky comes into play. This fic absolutely killed me. Beautifully written, the descriptions are incredible, Bucky is a pain and I love it, all in all its a fic thats definitely worth your time to read. This is the fic that started my love for bodyguard!Bucky and It’s the one that I always seem to come back to. 

Written in the Stars by @prettyyoungtragedy

You’re the type of woman who is headstrong and fiercely independent. Heiress to a fortune and one of the most brilliant minds of the 21st century. Until you’re forced into witness protection. Your “Protection” turns out to be 220 pounds of dreamy, sassy, delightful Bucky Barnes. Whatever could go wrong?

Mature Themes- I mean come on, this fic is absolutely amazing. Yes I love bodyguard!bucky, but thats not the reason that I immediately fell in love with this fic. The reader is someone I really identify with and I think that everyone and their mother should read this fic at some point (and then read it again). I feel like basically all of the characters in this fic are portrayed perfectly and overall its just pure beauty.

Next Door by hayvocado (AO3)

You haven't exactly been in the best situation these last few years, what with your boyfriend being abusive, your job being hell, and you only having one friend in the terrifying city that is New York. One day you literally fall into the arms of a sweet stranger who doesn't seem to be much of a talker, and for whatever reason, you can't help but feel safe around him.

Mature Themes- Just a bit of a warning first, this fic has very prominent abuse descriptions both physically and mentally so if you are going to read it please be aware of that. I was hesitant to put this fic on the list because of the abuse themes, but the way Bucky’s character is written is something that I knew had to include here. The Bucky and reader interactions in this fic are like nothing I have ever read before and it is absolutely beautiful.

Battle-Scarred: Aftermath by Darke15 (AO3)

You remembered it different every time, and every time there was a new detail. Every time you were one step closer to putting together the missing pieces, one step closer to solving the puzzle.

This fic is unfinished but absolutely beautiful. The transitions between past and present and the interconnectedness of both are incredible. I haven’t read many fics like this before and I really enjoyed it. The descriptions and dialogue are truly a privilage to read. 

Stray or The Relative Merits of Leaving Your Window Open in Times of Acute National Crisis by BubbleBakerPenguinPie (AO3)

You live an ordinary, fairly boring, somewhat lonely life working for a branch of Stark Industries in Washington DC. The closest you ever got to superheroes and conspiracy theories was your best friend since childhood, Skye. But all this was set to change when a gaggle of masked men fall through your window the day the Helicarriers went down. Luckily for one of them, you have a propensity for taking in strays.

I adore this fic so much. The beginning few chapters are honestly one of my favorite things that I’ve ever read. I feel like you can picture every detail from this fic and the development of Bucky’s character is something that I find beautiful. Please read this if you have the chance, I promise you won’t regret it. Oh, also its unfinished so theres that, but its still 100% worth it.

I am 100% sure that I am missing some fics but these are the ones that I first thought of. I hope this helped someone!

[ca1e70-deactivated]

a list of my entirely way too niche headcanons ive actually implemented for everyones imagination:

name options ive used and refuse to retire: david elizabeth strider (sometimes i dont feel like being a douche to others and saying thats not his name), harley davidson strider, and david james strider for the sake of simplicity

im not gonna tell yall the like. oc exes ive given him bc thatll take eighteen years. 

i dont rlly have an explanation on the ghost thing besides the fact he just can? ive occasionally pulled from family ghost stories and experiences bc i somehow got landed with family members who lived in a haunted house for a decade and enjoy scaring me with all the stories (including the time my cousin literally died on the kitchen floor from a bronchial spasm and one of the friends that was over asked my aunt later what was up with the old man she saw in the corner of the room that night - my cousin is fine btw shes just a huge bitch and a third grade teacher and i dont like her)

whether or not hes done drugs is based on absolutely nothing besides how im feeling in that moment. either hes the designated driver and sober friend forever or he got fired from his job after doing a line at work during graveyard with some random customers theres no inbetween (this absolutely happened @ waho. if dave works at waho hes a mess of a person and thats on the diner itself.)

ok look i hc dave w/schizophrenia besides when i was 14 i had a hyperfixation with learning about it and then at 16 was prescribed a medication and had side effects so wack my therapist genuinely thought 14 yr old me was onto something and its a weird way to cope with the idea that lady put in my head that i might “develop it in my twenties” which i turn 20 this year and i havent been able to stop obsessing and panicking over the prospect so PLEASE dont come in my inbox calling me ableist im not out here all harley quinn in suicide squad with the voices ok hes medicated, he goes to therapy, the hard fast delusion that lil cal was nearly sentient and informed bro of every single thing dave did no matter how asinine it was is no longer a debilitatingly affecting him ANYWAYS

i actually use the chicken/egg farming family pretty often just because its hilarious to me to give dave like. an actual mom and dad. hes literally an uncle to like three different kids he just never visits because they make fun of his skinny jeans and he hates one of his (incredibly bare-bones ocs all of them) brothers who threatened to bash his head in with a little league bat after dave broke his star wars lego set apart on accident (but not rlly) so their parents were like “why dont you stay with your brother in the big city for a lil while champ” and then they just never picked him back up? and thats on favoritism 

the other one is that his name is actually david reed and hes the middle child of a family of three who literally live the standard golden retriever white middle class life only they went to disney land or something equally as dumb one year when dave was like 6 and he wandered off so bro literally just went “huh free game” because frankly he was an idiot who thought maybe i should take this kid home because its real dangerous in parking lots and then it was too late to NOT have it seem like a kidnapping and thats why daves never had a summer job, seen his birth certificate, or gone to school. but vaguely remembers what kindergarten was like and having a pet dog and calling someone mom as a kid. 

im not making a bullet point about his sex life headcanons just use your imagination and acknowledge the fact bro essentially worked within the sex industry and i enjoy putting dave through trauma as a catharsis 

i stopped doing this one usually but if he did go to school hes been in percussion since fifth grade and played the drums in his high schools jazz band as well as various edgy teenager garage bands he likes to pretend dont have a youtube presence and that hes absolutely never been shirtless in front of plenty of his classmates because he wore a hoodie to a show like an idiot. idk occasionally ill put him in an actual band he doesnt hate but keeps separate from his lil turntechGodhead internet persona (which i will ALSO touch upon in a sec) until they wind up getting looped into a tour with some bigger named band that has a show in *insert beta kid here*’s city and hes gotta come clean solely so he can visit his online friend. sorry derseasterous thats the one time weve ever run into each other and i made him have a crush on one of his bandmates i was in my anti-daverose phase where i made dave a hoe and also didnt want to admit i still loved the ship all these years later 

i hate it so much but you know the whole vr loli trap voice shit that was popular a while ago? hes fucking baller at it for some reason. he did it as a joke while talking to bro and they both about shat their pants. if im feeling real ambitious, hes got a separate soundcloud solely dedicated to doing dumbass rap covers or making his own but in the voice under the pseudonym elizabeth “beth” davids that he will never admit is his. well, he will, but hes gonna be really fucking embarrassed about it. irony or not.

talking abt seperate soundclouds and stuff ive always had it where turntechGodhead was his like. essentially internet fucking persona facade shit he used because we all had that phase where we wanted memorable urls and stuff but also didnt want to totally ignore the nagging fear of people finding you in real life, until it turned into real life ppl finding you on the internet. so he also has basically an adjacent set of social media under the same name but its just a boring username i havent decided on so everyone he knows irl doesnt mix up with what hes made for himself as TG and the people he knows as TG dont know what highschool he goes to. (this occasionally comes with the territory of ppl on parp being pissed that daves “lying” or “hiding things” from his friends as if he was doing it out of spite instead of just keeping embarrassing tagged photos and videos from football games or when he ate shit at the skatepark from fucking with his “rap career”)

every once in a while i get on a kick where hes just german. like, i just replace houston texas with hamburg germany and have him apply to a university in whatever state is applicable for whoever im chatting with and it goes from there? sometimes he moved when he was little and went through the whole visa thing, sometimes he didnt go through the visa thing, sometimes hes a dual citizen because of family and shit, its all dependent on what suits the situation best. 

one that ive been fucking with for a while but hardly break out (until recently with like 5 roses in the span of one day hell yeah) is that he has a neighbor at the end of the hall who is like a thousand year old witch lady that hes basically adopted as his mother figure in lieu of not having one and shes totally cool with it, especially bc when she kicks the bucket she fully plans on giving dave all her occult stuff so her figure-skating coach and realtor daughter doesnt sell it at a garage sale and lets it all go to waste. she also once brought rose up by name in a conversation without any prompting of her existence which dave didnt realize for days, and then one time cryptically stopped and stared at an empty space in the wall, went “she has potential, you know.” then looked at him sitting on her kitchen counter with a smile “lots of it” and hes thought about that weekly ever since. (it is important to note one of the occult items he leaves her is literally her own personal book of shadows shes been filling out for decades its like a 600 page leatherbound book dave has no idea what its used for but the sheer amount of homemade spells and etc in it is like. gonna murder rose the second this chick gets her hands on it i promise you.)

theres the standard strife shit? im not rlly gonna get into those theyre all basically cookie cutter bullshit. its just standard bro and dave abuse talk. i like to inclulde the whole 24hr live cam up in the apartment that definitely watches dave in every room besides his own and the bathroom, but that quickly delves into the prospect of middle-aged men stalking him online and basically sexually harassing him in his own god damn home by talking about how they can see him just trying to take his shoes off in the living room after getting home and frankly? its not one of my best takes! but once you throw it into the headcanon bin, its there forever. 

he actually really does do something with his photography but not enough to warrant anything exciting, but he has his own branding for it and regularly takes pictures of his friends or anything else he thinks is moderately interesting enough to take pictures of, but those are just thrown into shoeboxes under his bed in favor of posting genuine shots because he wants to keep his image intact and blurry photos of jade smiling in the tree they climbed up together while bec paws at the base of it while whining isnt exactly something he wants the whole world to see.

i also pretty often but him into either paleontology OR i put him down as trying to become a mortician because he thinks handing roadkill once he graduated from museum giftshop specimens to doing his own taxidermy on the side has prepared him enough to perform an occasional autopsy and start embalming real human corpses. (sometimes i put my own desires in and make them his bc i have to project at some point and put him through the same EMT course i dropped out of bc it was one semester and he already has pretty decent first aid skills, but he definitely didnt expect it to be as fucking wild at times as it is, but whats he gonna do? get a job back at waffle house? the company hes working for just offered to pay like half his associates in paramedicine tuition and hes already got all his pre-recs done when he started for paleo. at least its a stable job and hes got the ability to be compassionate in the moment) 

im running out of things that ive done to the poor kid. OH 

hes not a virgin he had a girlfriend all four years of high school (shes also one of his optional and designated exes plz keep up) and their relationship ends in one of two ways: she dies in a car accident a week before their high school graduation, or she stops talking to him entirely a week after their high school graduation until a couple years later she gets into (guess what) a car accident with her current wife/girlfriend and dies which leaves behind their daughter. who just so happens to also be daves daughter. her name is hannah and i love her like my own but no one ever likes her and thats on the conditioning of dirk. does dave end up taking her in? yes. shes awesome and the first time he takes her to the park to like run off some fucking steam she disappears for two minutes and dave is moderately terrified until she comes back holding a dead baby squirrel and thats the moment he realizes huh maybe things really do be genetic.

ok at the bottom of the list im gonna add the couple of times hes been a camboy which usually coincides with the live apartment cam thing and the amount of people in his dms calling him hot or whatever, but typically its more of a started the day he turned 18 and basically dipped around 20 in favor of showing up randomly with no warning to complain about a video game dick in hand because it gives him an outlet that wont annoy his friends bc this is the fifteenth time hes had a lot to say this week about a certain boss battle and also the comments fuel his ego and daddy issues.

the last one wasnt the bottom but literally unless its explicitly proven otherwise every time anyone rps with me there is the underlying fact dave strider was a goalie on his high school lacrosse teams all four years and (shocker another one) definitely had the hots for one of his teammates like major hots like first gay experience hots. like it was painfully obvious that teammate also liked him back hots. like one night at a team sleepover one of the other guys was like can yall just makeout and get it over with were fucking tired and dave really had the balls to be offended and ask what the fuck they were talking about while literally sitting halfway in the mans lap bc for some reason they had to share the same chair. 

he is also guilty until proven innocent of being the worlds biggest loner outside of that sports team and even though hes literally a jock he still opts to eat his lunch alone in the hallway or something like that and has a tendency to leave girls on read, but bc hes got an in with the rest of the jocks hes basically drug around to plenty of parties and since hes conventionally attractive enough and popular in the aloof way that he is, hes got plenty of tagged insta posts and twitter directs and snapchat streaks going. 

THESE WERE ALL NO GAME AND DONT INVOLVE SHIPS BC I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN AND THEYRE LITERALLY ALL BASED OFF RPS IVE DONE I HOPE YALL JUDGE ME ACCORDINGLY

[lyrical-graveyard]

NO ONES SAFE

Time to shut this little fucker up. Gotta sober-up for this job, pouring whiskey out my cup.

You really don't know what I've been up to, setting my alarm, hell yeah, I gotta be up soon.

"Dont forget the tarp and ropes" Reading my notes as I go through cleaning the dirt off my scopes.

Everything is all pre-paired, including my 9's with 162 rounds, we're all squared.

You can place your bets on me because I am not scared, bluffing his ace high, will surely awaken me into his nightmares.

Could of gone a different way, Shaine, but you're talking reckless now theres no way to change lanes, gotta end this clown. Feeling the same thing? Or are you feeling down? 6 feet deep, ill tell you what, youre gonna feel it now.

Go ahead, grab some friends, altogether play pretend. I won't bend, I'll extend, my middle finger till the end. I will send, my regards, upon reaching your descend. Fuck with me you've reached the end, no more shit to comprehend, hand of death Ive got to lend, your funeral I will attend.

That's the only way you'll be finding respect, no one cares about an injecting reject, they only mourn you right after your death, so OD and from this planet, just disconnect.

You're not important, you're a stretch on society.

Welfare living, with lots of theft and bribery.

Fucking food stamps with bills piled high

Two kids to support? Dont you dare fucking lie

Making ends meet? Not even if you tied it.

Come and meet me bitch I dont mind the driving.

No ones safe.

I have nothing to lose, if you choose death, this grim reaper is quickly coming for you.

No ones safe.

Go head and try it, think you're bad now? Well here now let me help you define it

No ones safe.

Welcome to my mind space, Freddy Krueger of rap, fall asleep on me, I'll kill you with no trace.

No ones safe.

Keep playing the game Shaine, I'll gladly introduce you to my level of pain.

No ones safe.

You're doing more in this war than fighting alone.

I'm dragging everybody out, yes I'm that cold.

Recorded conversations could be downloaded at home, with videos uploaded through my phone.

Go ahead Shaine, flex on me please, see how fast I'll make you regret me.

I don't even need say this, but I will pro-ceed, those CPS calls they are not from me.

Btw Sylvia, I loved that ring and the gift i got for providing the bling.

On a side note I got three more to add.

Remember before Al Dhafra? Here is the facts.

I was recording and she was just trying to show off, gagged a little, and then she had to stop. Remember that baby? My predeployment gift.

It keeps on giving I can promise you this.

I'll never forget the red lingerie either. Under that trench coat, your such a damn teaser.

Keep playing Shaine, keep your head down low

I've got all the time in the world to ponder my foes.

You don't measure up to who I am, step up little bitch, learn to be a mother fucking man

Take care of those In which I wish I was loving,

Taking these shots all out in public

Nothing will detour me from being dick.

Why stop now? I'm over it quit, stop running your fucking mouth talking shit.

No ones safe.

I have nothing to lose, if you choose death, this grim reaper is quickly coming for you.

No ones safe.

Go head and try it, think you're bad now? Well here now let me help you define it

No ones safe.

Welcome to my mind space, Freddy Krueger of rap, fall asleep on me, I'll kill you with no trace.

No ones safe.

Keep playing the game Shaine, I'll gladly introduce you to my level of pain.

No ones safe

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay

[drawlynnfaves]

goddd im so done even though the end of the semester is coming soon

one of my roommates (the one whos room is riiiight next to mine so i hear her loud music and yacking to her friends every single day and night of my life) is literally the worst and also treats me like crap. so like, here’s how it is. the other roommate, K, is nice to me and would try to chip in on occasion. Terrible roommate, S, has never, and has bought almost nothing ever that all 3 of us use.

Guess what I buy that she also uses? all hand soap, all paper towels, all paper plates, all napkins, all cleaner, all toilet paper (big one), scrub brush, dish soap, sponges, aluminum foil, sugar, etc. And I got a few dollars from K back for it and 0 from S. because we’re (I am) idiots and didnt properly set any rules or know how to confront each other now about chipping in and she buys nothing EVER. BUT ANYWAY

I literally dont do anything to encroach on anyones space, i keep spaces i use clean, I stay very quiet. I took out the big trash we all use every time except two (2) times this whole year we’ve lived together at this apartment, and took it out even when 90% of the trash was from S. 

I can’t sleep when I have to hear loud noise. I put up with all the noise S has made all last semester until on one of the LAST DAYS i finally texted her at 4 AM BECAUSE SHE KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT like “im sorry, not to bother you but im trying to sleep and have to get up at 6 am tomorrow so can you please talk quieter? sorry.” and she finally shut up for once.... until this semester when i started sending texts every time shes kept me up, and now she ignores every single one, doesnt answer, and doesnt stop. ive worked up the courage to knock on the door to ask her to be quieter. she says okay, and doesnt stop. i wear earplugs and smush pillows over my head and nearly suffocate myself and sometimes can still hear her anyway. 

i literally do not ask for a fricking lot. but it does not end there. 

i dont care if people do weed, i think people can do whatever the frick they want with their lives, i really do, and honestly think its fine for people to do it. just not when its smoking in the contained space i have to live and breathe and sleep in for the day. i put up with it ALL SEMESTER wearing stuff over my face so i wouldnt have to gag on it while im trying to sleep. other roommate K also cant stand it but is more scared than me to ever say anything. My endless patience is wearing thin at this point so finally, after a very big incident of it where she had her hookah right out in the living room with 5 ppl over (btw we’re not allowed to have more than 2 guests, or do weed at all inside here or smoke anything) and smelling up the whole place as usual, i finally work up the courage to ask her “can you please not smoke it in this apartment? i really cant stand it (would have mentioned K but didnt want to speak for her) and it really smells up the whole apartment.” she looks at me warily and is like “...ok.”

she comes back in the living room and puts it back on even stronger. also THROWS A FIT to her friends, yelling “CANT WAIT TO MOVE THE FUCK OUT AND DO WHAT I WANT” bc i asked her to please not do it here.

 the next couple of days still does it. im so upset and get so close to calling the university-affiliated apartment ppl on her but never did, even when i tried to text her one time later that she ignored. she even did it today.

but it doesnt end there either

warning: NSFW topic ahead i guess if anyone reads this? also suicide mention (though nothing graphic just wanting to)

so i have to hear her have loud, loud sex. i have something wrong with me where if i have to hear actual people have sex and make noises from it i want to die and sob because im SO GROSSED OUT and cant take it and would rather be actually dead than hear it. she moans and grunts and gets spanked so loud my noise-blocking headphones dont even block it aqll out and i get so so upset. just had to go through that tonight too and had to curl up in a ball and cry bc theres nothing else i can do to cope. i just dont know what to do. every option feels like itll make things worse for me no matter what i do. 

and i would leave the apartment when this happens, but theres literally nowhere to go and its night and im in my pajamas and i have to sleep here. 

it also doesnt. end. there.

she heard me talking to my friend on the phone, trying to calm down after getting upset having to hear her have sex for the 4th time that day. she heard me telling my friend how i want to kill myself, how i hate myself, because i cant bring myself to do anything and face S about anything and im so upset. 

S later has a party this same night with like 8 people here, playing drinking games (youre not allowed to drink here but i wouldnt care if she wasnt a pain in the ass). she tells her friends about me, even though theyre all right outside my door so of course I hear. they all mock-say depressed phrases, like “oooh, i want to cut myself. oooh, i want to juuump.” and go on about how stupid white people are for being suicidal. i.. was mortified. and wanted to die more

i still dont do anything about any of this. if i called during any of the instances where she was drinking or smoking or doing anything in here she wouldve gotten kicked out of this apartment a long time ago.

it makes it even harder bc tonight wouldve been the last straw but she started having sex after smoking her weed and i didnt want to have the apartment ppl come and barge in on her having sex?? i cant knock on her door during that either so im like... idk 

I still do nothing after all this. i am such a coward.  the most i could do and just did was leave a note in response to one of HER many passive aggressive notes to us about keeping things clean (which is a whole nother one of her issues bc she herself keeps nothing clean) where, i was like “yea that dish wasnt from me. p.s. stop having sex so loud thanks.”

i heard her just now laugh and throw the note out and say something about me bc she fricking hates me

god i just want peace. i want to leave so bad. we only have a week left but idk how im going to make it with her. im about ready to freak out at her after all this built up all year but i dont think i will bc i know itll end with her just making things worse for me