#these are movies that just feel senselessly shocking

[novelist-becca]

Films I will 100% avoid (and recommend others do as well) thanks to the stupid dark web rabbit hole

Slaughter vomit dolls (as well as other films in that trilogy)

The bunny game

Serbian film

Where the dead go to die

Tumbling flesh doll

Girl hell 1999

Human centipede

[knchins]

HQ Captains - Thigh Riding

Pairing: Daichi x Fem!Reader, Oikawa x Fem!Reader, Kuroo x Fem!Reader, Bokuto x Fem!Reader, Ushijima x Fem!Reader, Yuuji x Fem!Reader

Rating: E

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings:  (placed before each drabble under the name header)

Notes: My first haikyuu piece and I’m fairly certain it’s trash lmao. I’ve had this idea in my head for a while and I thought about sending it to a hq writer as a request but decided to try and tackle it on my own? I just needed a break from bnha. Couldn’t be bothered to make my own header gif for just drabbles. Oops. I think I mentioned it in all of them, but just in case I didn’t all characters are aged up to college years.

Warnings: Public orgasm, minor depiction of D/s relationship?, Daddy!Daichi

If there was one thing you absolutely loved about your boyfriend, it was his beautifully thick thighs. Every volleyball game had you drooling and you absolutely hated having to wait after a match to strip him of his clothes and beg him for a victory fuck. Not that you had to really try to convince him. The adrenaline after a good match always had him hard as a rock in no time. 

However, before you could get to that point. He always insisted on taking the team out for a celebratory dinner at a nearby restaurant that had supported the college team for years. They helped with fundraising and often gave donations to the team for new equipment or uniforms, so Daichi always thought it was only proper to return the favor with a little business. 

This meant you had to be incredibly frustrated for a few hours after the game, and it led you into some very...intense situations. For instance, you found that if you pressed his buttons long enough, then he will get angry and he will punish you. One of those punishments (your favorite one, actually) was when he patted his thigh for you to sit on it. 

He’d bounce it hard against your already needy cunt. Everyone else was too wrapped up in their own side conversations to notice how your face suddenly turned bright red. He holds you in a death grip as he forces you to put on a show for him, anything to stop your incessant whining for his dick. Soon enough you bite the inside of your cheek to keep from making even the tiniest of moans as the entire team is literally right there in front of you. You come undone fairly quickly, somehow being even more turned on by him taking control of you. 

Sugawara totally notices but keeps it to himself, making a point to distract the first years from looking your way.

Warnings: Public sex, vaginal sex, jealousy

At a club one night, back in one of the booths in the dark, you had been pouting about all the attention your boyfriend was receiving. He was always such a flirt and a ladies man that you knew he simply could not help himself. He thrived on attention after all and this wasn’t anything new. 

You climbed into his lap, pushing the table back to give you room as you straddled one lean thigh. The college captain was giving you a bright-eyed look. “What are you doing, love?” He asked, voice low but you could still hear him over the thrum of the loud music due to his close proximity. 

“Showing all those bitches who you belong to.” You said coarsely, grabbing onto the edges of his jacket to hold onto as you rolled your hips slowly, dragging your clothed pussy up his thigh. The friction sending shocks of pleasure up through your body. 

Oikawa would be all for this. He’s such a little exhibitionist at heart. Making people hear you scream his name was definitely his most favorite kink. He’d place his hands on your hips and guide them back and forth, making you go faster and harder until you were crying out for him with sheer need. 

He wouldn’t be able to handle not whipping his dick out in the end, not letting you cum before he can tug the middle of your panties to the side underneath your dress and just senselessly fuck you then and there. 

Either no one noticed or no one dared to stop the famous Oikawa Toru.

Warning: public orgasm (I have a problem okay), minor dirty talk

Kuroo could be one of the most conniving pieces of shit and that was something you absolutely loved about him. He was always teasing you in public, getting you going so that you’d pull him into some dark corner just to satisfy your needs. Would he oblige you or simply let you suffer until later? It entirely depended on how generous he was feeling that day. 

Today was the former, and the entire time in the dark movie theater he had been conspiring to find a way to get you off. First his hand started on your knee, then slowly crept up your thigh, squeezing at optimal points in the film (typically during the steamier scenes). He didn’t particularly like romance films, which made it easier to focus on you instead. 

The first indication that he was getting to you was the tiniest of mewls that came from you when his pinky brushed against your clit under your skirt. He knew then and there that he had you. You would quickly turn into putty in his very capable and experienced hands. 

He smoothly leaned over and whispered into your ear a simple suggestion to get onto his lap and watch the movie from there. It didn’t take much convincing, really. It never did. You moved into his lap, sitting on one thigh while continuing to face the movie. He had instructed you to not look away and to not resist. Since when did you ever resist him? 

Kuroo planted his hands firmly on your hips and began to guide them back and forth. Oh, you immediately thought. This was totally different then what you were expecting. Tiny bolts of pleasure ebbed through you as your pussy moved across the rough material of his jeans. Fuck, why did this feel so good? 

He leaned forward to whisper into your ear, “Don’t make a sound, kitten, or they’ll all know what a dirty girl you’re being.” He said before licking the shell of your ear with his cat-like tongue. You shuddered against him, unable to fight as you urged him to move you faster. 

You panted quickly, keeping your eyes and face forward as he began to roughly drag you back and forth while you climbed higher and higher, eventually crashing down as you were swept up with your own pleasure. You had to place a hand over your mouth, thankful that this part of the movie was a little louder than the rest to muffle the moan that you couldn’t stop from coming out of you. 

When you were done, Kuroo leaned you back against his chest, hands lazily around your waist as he planted soft kisses on your neck. He always did love winning and every orgasm was definitely a victory.

Warnings: public orgasm (...again, I know), minor dubcon, voyeurism?

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” Bokuto said rather loudly as you sauntered over to him, “if it isn’t my baby girl!” His owlish grin spread across his face as he reached out to grab your wrist, pulling you into his lap. It was an after party after a pretty close match with Nekoma and the captain was feeling particularly fiery after the win. 

You giggled at him, allowing him to cuddle you for a moment. His face buried into your neck, inhaling your sweet perfume as he wrapped his arms around your waist in a close hug. He was always extremely affectionate after a good game, and if Fukurodani won...well it was game on in an entirely different way. 

Bokuto’s knee bounced rhythmically and naturally you were forced to bounce along with it. Your legs shifted so you were straddling his perfect thigh and you couldn’t help the small moan that came after he hit your clit at a particularly electrifying angle. “Oh yeah?” He asked, a sly look crossing his face. “You like that, huh?” 

“Bokuto,” You said in a threatening tone, knowing that you didn’t want to do something like this out in the open where anyone could see you. And by the look on his face, that is exactly what he was thinking about doing. However you could rarely stop him when he got started on a new and improved way of getting you off. 

His hands shifted to your hips and guided them to move in rhythm with his bouncing thigh. The quick small jerks of his thigh, the friction against your clit, it just felt so incredibly good that you couldn’t help but give in. 

To keep your moans muffled you chose to kiss him, squeezing his shoulders for support as he stopped moving your hips. You had already taken over, choosing your own pace to go at that would make you hit your peak in no time. 

Akaashi and the other teammates, noticing what was going on, watched curiously until they were sure you had had an orgasm. Akaashi gave the other three a knowing nod and they started cheering for their captain. Bokuto looked back at them with the biggest grin they had ever seen.

Warnings: Public orgasm, possessiveness, jealousy, D/s dynamic?

With Ushijima, PDA was always a hard pass. He wasn’t very affectionate outside of your private lives, and you had come to terms with that. It didn’t mean he wasn’t an excellent and attentive lover when he wanted to be. Sometimes though it would have been nice to be able to show off that you were dating such a powerhouse of a player. 

You had managed to drag him to a party celebrating Shiratorizawa’s victory in a recent regional tournament. You knew he needed to de-stress, it was always so obvious to you and getting him to relax could sometimes be a nightmare. 

Shortly after you arrived, he mentioned he was going to go tell Satori something about the last game and for you to go dance. Ushijima wasn’t much of a dancer himself but boy did he love watching you move your hips to the music. 

What he hadn’t expected when he came back from speaking with his teammate was the sight of another man trying to grind against your ass. Obviously you weren’t paying him no mind, trying to slip from his grasp time and time again. 

Ushijima wasn’t affectionate, no. But he was possessive. Anyone dares put their hands on you in his sight was bound to regret it and tonight was no different. He quickly marched over to you and pulled you into his broad chest. You looked up at him with a knowing smile. On a normal night Ushijima would never dance with you. But add a spark of jealousy and he’d do just about anything. 

You moved your body against his, enjoying the closeness as his leg slipped between yours. It may have been an accident or it may have been on purpose. You weren’t entirely sure. Either way, you take it upon yourself to begin to grind against his large thigh, eyes glossing over at the delicious feeling of arousal. 

He glanced down at you before returning to staring down the man that had been attempting to dance with you, seemingly paying more attention to the advisory than his own girlfriend. That was fine, you were now enjoying yourself plenty by thrusting your hips with the beat, his hands on your ass. Once it hit him what you were doing, pleasuring yourself by the use of his limb, he leaned down and whispered threateningly into your ear. “If you cum now, you’ll pay for it later.” 

It was a very valid threat, you knew that fair and well. That didn’t stop you from releasing your hold on your orgasm, allowing you to come undone in his arms all at once. Ushijima immediately wrenched you from him before grabbing your wrist in a bruising grip with an absolutely murderous look on his face. You were too busy basking in the afterglow to even care for whatever punishment he had in mind as he dragged you to a private room.

Warnings: minor dubcon, light dirty talk at the end

Honestly you only started dating Yuuji because he wouldn’t leave you the hell alone until you gave him your number. And then he simply harassed you until you said yes to a date. However, after that first date he showed how much fun and playful he could be and you totally fell for the idiot albeit reluctantly. 

He is always finding new ways to explore sex with you. Anything to make it even more fun than it already is. The idea was totally his because you were always squeezing his thighs or playing with the hem of his shorts because you just couldn’t keep your hands to yourself when you were with the giant loud ball of energy. 

The first time he decides to branch out and try this, you’re both on his couch watching a professional match. Your fingers are teasing his skin, fiddling with his pants as usual when he guides you into his lap so that your leg is between is. 

You give him a quizzical look and he just has that face that tells you that he’s about to make you cum whether you like or not (spoiler alert: you always like it). He puts his hands on either side of your hips and forces them to rut against his leg, causing you to shudder with delight. 

You take the hint quickly and begin moving at your own pace, finding a particularly wonderful angle that gave your clit the right amount of stimulation. “Fuck, baby, look at you getting off to my thigh.” Yuuji says with that shit eating grin. He always took pride in discovering something new for you to enjoy. He clicked the stud of his tongue ring against his teeth, something he tended to do when he was particularly excited. 

“F-Fuck,” You whimpered as you came on his leg, now wet with your slick. Yuuji was grinning madly, eyes sparkling with joy. 

“Yahoo, baby! You came all over my thigh, how did that feel? Bet you’d feel even better with my cock buried in you-”

--------------

Tag List: @dabi-hates-fish​, @rivendell101​, @honeytama​, @lovelusional​, @gallickingun​ (didn’t include people who asked me to tag everything because I wasn’t sure if they wanted to be tagged in hq stuff!)

[wenwenbittercake]

Inuin and Y/N

(This is a normal AU where Inuin and KoKo are your best friend and Inuin have a crush on you but you like KoKo-nut more. He’s stuck between wanting to break their friendship and want to kiss you senselessly.)

Warnings:yandere contents, swearing, spicy🌶🌶

(Sorry for late posts, I just got really depressed after my recent submission got 4 likes 😫😫😫Sorry if I haven’t written your submission because it’s probably not finished yet or It’s too uncomfortable for me to write. With that, enjoy.)

“Hey Inui!”

Someone hug Inui from behind making him snap out of his daydream. He turn around from his chair to see a familiar face that create a tint of blush on his cheeks.

“Y/N why are you here this early?”

“Early? Look around you dumb ass.” KoKo said as he comes into the class.

Inui lazily look around him to see the class empty. He must had fallen asleep.

“Oh.”

“Wht do you mean “Oh”? Pack your stuff or we’re leaving you behind!”

“KoKo don’t be so harsh on Inui, he’s just tired from his part time job.”

KoKo got a frond on his face when you defend Inui. Inui on the other hand blushes while putting his things in his back.

“Oh yea? For a person who sleeps around in class of cause he’s going to work in that shabby motorcycle shop.”

“Hey.” You warn Koko. Both of you look each other and inspect Inui’s face.

Inui is used to the constant slanders and being beaten around by Koko, It’s not that he’s a bully, he’s just like that. He would apologies later about it but what he said is true. Koko is a smart kid who get all A’s in his class. He’s the brightest kid in their little friend group. So, the brightest flower catches the most beautiful butterflies, and that butterfly is you.

For the first time in his life, he craves for someone and that someone is you. He misses you 24/7. Always wanting to see your face, hear your voice and feel your touch. He even goes as far as going to your house one night after work to see you. But unfortunately, you were asleep. It doesn’t matter much when he climbs to your window to see you sleeping so soundly.

You can call him a psychopath but he’s just making sure your save by hacking into your phone and looking through all your social info and private messages.

You can call him a creep for following you around at night making sure no wolfs can catch a cute bunny like you.

You can call him a sociopath for lying to you as he only sees you as a friend when he craves to feel more of you then your hands.

He doesn’t care what you call him, he’s doing all this to keep you save form the dangerous people out there or to feed his desires.

Now you both are in a hotpot restaurant. Koko apologies to Inui by treating hotpot and BBK to both of you. All of you talk about school life, how hard to weekly test was or gossip about that one kid in class that reminds the teacher about the homework. Noting goes into Inui mind as he’s too focus on you and Koko interactions.

Koko is talking about these facts he knows of, and you listen to him with wide eyes. Then he whispers something in your ears making you blush. Inui clench his jaw seeing that. Koko looks proud that he’s getting all your attention to himself. On the other hand, Inui watch Koko and you with a sad look with a dash of jealousy.

“Oh, look who’s jealous.” All the spotlight is now on Inui making him slightly uncomfortable.

“Why are you all looking at me?”

“Oh, we all know you’re the jelly one here.” He teases as you switch your seat near him.

You close your space between you and Inui, your face so close to his, a slight movement from him can make him go for a kiss. Your eyes half lid and tease him as you trace his collar with your slender fingers. Not touching him but so close to. Inui’s breath become heavy, his head even feel cloudy to the situation, both of you look at each other’s eyes with lust.

“Tell me baby.”

He just wants to push his head forward and give a deep long kiss, but Koko’s clap snaps him out of hid fantasies. You giggle and hop off Inui’s lap and go sit beside Koko.

“Koko did you see that?”

“Yes, you did a great job.” He said as he places his arms around your shoulder.

“What’s going on?” Inui looks confused.

“It’s a prank! Got you!” You shout and laugh with Koko. In that moment Inui felt both embarrassed and mad. It’s definitely not your idea. Your inexperience ass would never. It gotta be Koko’s.

“You guys are dicks.” He said as he stood up a leave.

“Inui wait- “you were about to stop him when Koko pull you back in his arms.

“Leave it, he’s fine. He’s just a little embarrassed.”

That Bitch

That night Inui can’t get you out of his head. He can’t when you look so cute and sexy when you did that half lid move. The way you touch him felt so different from how you use to touch him. So soft and teasing. He tries to memorize it, but it slowly fades away. He can only remember how hot and lustful it felt. How he got hard just by your voice. He needs it again.

“Inui, I’m going to ask Y/N out.” Inui nearly chokes on his lunch.

“Wait what?”

“Yea I’m gonna ask her out.”

“Wait wait where? When.”

“Tonight, at the playground we use to go at.”

“Wait isn’t it too fast?”

“Wdym it’s fast? Look I realize my feelings for her are real and I just need to let it out. I just want you to know that.”

Inui looks shock as Koko left from the cafeteria. No way this is happening. His best friend with the girl he loves the most. He tries to think positive. Maybe it’s the best for you. Koko is perfect for you, he’s smart, he’s rich, he can fulfil everything you need. He can make you happy. But seeing you with Koko make his heart aches. The thought of how Koko can make you feel complete tortures him every bit.

The rain was pouring like there no tmr. He looks at his clock, 7:30 pm. Koko is going to ask you out at 8 and he’s here sweeping floors. What a fucking loser, he thought of himself. He looks through his phone to pass time and see your message.

Koko told me to wait at the playground we use to play. Idk why but I feel like something serious is going to happen.

I want you to come by that’s all.

It’s fine if you’re busy.

What is he doing here? Y/N needs him. He’s supposed to do whatever you desire right?

He rash out of the shop, even Drakun was shocks at the speed. He run desperately like a predator meets his prey. This is his only chance to feel honest with you. After Koko ask you out, it would be too late. You will be Koko’s. The thought of it filled him with agony.

He stops in front of the playground; his eyes scatter the play. There he finds you standing there with a yellow umbrella. He knows it your cause he bought that umbrella for you.

“Inui? What are you doing here? Omg your soaked.”

He stands in front of you, his eyes fill with desires. He feels like burning. The only thing that’s keeping him cool is the rain. He felt happy when he realizes Koko is nowhere to be found.

“Inui?” You look up to him with wide eyes.

Fuck Y/N

He pulls you in his arm and kiss you. It feels so longing. You yelp in shock giving him a chance to enter his tongue in your mouth. You panic causing your umbrella to drop. He let out all his needs, his urges with action. His fantasies are becoming a reality. Your taste, your touch, the way you whimper in his hold. It all feels so good, he’s starting to feel feverish.

The rain pours all over both of you. It feels like you’re in a movie. Actually, you’re not sure if you like Koko or Inui. You’ve spent so much time with them yet, you still don’t have a sure answer when it comes to both of them but now. You’re sure now.

You both parted from your feverish kiss, you look at each other eyes. You look at him with wide eyes, your lips swollen. You hold on Inui’s shirt, trying to not fall from your shaking knees.

“I’m sorry Y/N. I just can’t take it anymore.”

“I-it’s actually fine. I kinda like you so..’’

“Wait are you serious?”

“Of cause I’m serious! What you don’t wanna take responsibility now?”

“No, it’s just- “

“Shut up and just hug me.” You hide your embarrassed face in Inui’s chest. He chuckles at your action and wrap his arms around you tightly.

“Let’s go home.”

From a far, a man with a chain earring stood silently behind trees as both love birds left. He grips his umbrella tight as he glares at Inui. The envy he’s feeling is strong enough to kill a man.

“That Bitch”

(Thank you for reading my fanfic. Also sorry if I made a mistake or it's not that good. This is my first time writing a yandere character so forgive me. 🙏🙏🙏also i'm sorry I don't put the artist name for the headline. I don't know the artist who draw it that's why. If you know, ur more than welcome to tell me. Thank you ❤🌹🙏🙏)

[yuta-nakamots]

up from here - w.lc

Pairing - Boyfriend!Lucas x Fem!Reader

Genre - Smut, Fluff, Established Relationship!AU

Warnings - oral (male receiving), public blowjob, oral creampie

Summary - Lucas is weird, to say the least. Even his dreams are weird but that won’t stop you from loving him and making sure that he knows that he is loved. 

Word Count - 1.3k

A/N - I can’t believe I really dreamt about Lucas asking me if I would love him if he were a bee gOD

Written for the Dreams Unfold Event hosted by @neosmutcollective​​. Check out the masterlist here.

It was finally summer break and you had been lucky enough to schedule a short vacation for you and your boyfriend Lucas between his graduation and your impending doom at summer school. He wasn’t too picky about where you guys went so you decided to bring him home for a bit, especially since you knew how much your parents loved him.

About three hours into the flight you had left your seat next to a sleeping Lucas to go to the restroom and as you sat down and buckled yourself back in, you noticed him tossing and turning next to you with a frown on his face, which he had been doing for quite some time now. You decided to end his misery by shaking him awake, causing him to groggily open his eyes with evident confusion as he tried to figure out where he was.

When he caught your gaze his eyebrows immediately raised, “babe you still love me right?” He blurted.

“Lucas, be quiet,” you shushed, his voice a little too loud for the quiet airplane, “yes, I still love you. Why wouldn’t I?”

He let out a breath he wasn’t even aware that he was holding. “I dreamt that I became a bee and that you didn’t love me anymore,” you had to fight back the urge to laugh, “it was like the complete opposite of the bee movie!”

You placed a hand on his thigh to calm his excitement, “I’ll love you even if you became a bee.”

“Really?” He asked, slightly squirming under your grip. “You’d still love me?”

“Of course,” you assured him, “would you still love me if I were a bee?”

He paused for a second, “yes...but, there would also be some issues.” You were just the tiniest bit hurt at this. You had told him that you’d undoubtedly love him if he were no longer human yet he has the nerve to say that he’d only love you conditionally.

“Issues with what?” You asked.

“With uhhh,” his eyes darted from your eyes to your lips, then down to the hand on his thigh before he grabbed it and brought it under the blanket that was covering him, placing it on his crotch where you could feel his arousal. “With stuff like this.”

Your eyes widened as you processed what was happening, “Lucas,” you exclaimed in shock, “you can’t possibly be turned on by the thought of one of us being a bee.”

“I’m not! It’s just that, well, when I was a bee, you had locked me out from your bedroom window and all I could do was watch as you changed your clothes,” you gave him a playful squeeze, making his voice falter, “a-and I couldn’t touch you, I couldn’t kiss you, I couldn’t tell you how beautiful you are, and it was so upsetting.”

“Aww, you poor thing,” you cooed, giving him a quick kiss on his cheek as you traced the outline of his pulsing cock through the layers of his clothing.

“Please, please, please help me,” he begged, “I wanna cum so badly.”

“Babe, I’m not letting you fuck me on a plane,” you stated.

One of his hands traveled under the blanket, covering yours that was resting on his crotch. “I don’t have to be inside you, just this is enough,” he sighed out as he began guiding your hand up and down his clothed length. “Please?”

You nodded slowly, as if you were weighing your options, “and what’s in it for me?”

“I’ll fuck you so hard the next time we do it, I promise,” he blurted out.

“Mmm, I don’t think that’s enough…”

“I’ll buy your meals for a day,” when he saw that you still weren’t all that excited, “okay how about two?”

“Deal. But I get to choose where we eat,” you told him, at which he senselessly agreed, just wanting to get his release.

You started by teasing the head of his dick, running a finger up and down the sensitive area as if you were tickling it. Just that alone was enough to get Lucas to shudder in his seat. Satisfied at the reaction he gave, you decided to do a little more for him, pressing your palm lightly on the tip of his member and running it down ever so slowly then cupping the base of his cock and balls at the end. “More,” he pleaded weakly, and you gladly obliged upon seeing how good he was behaving.

Pulling the waistband of his sweatpants down, wanting to take your time, you distracted him with kisses to his neck and jaw. You inserted your hand into his pants, doing the same motions you did before except now there were fewer layers between your hand and his throbbing length.

His breath hitched when you finally snuck your fingers past the elastic of his underwear, allowing your skin to meet his and feeling the heat from his dick spread through your hand. Lucas turned to kiss you, effectively muting the sounds he made as you began spreading his precum from the head of his member, running a finger around it and enjoying the way your boyfriend fell apart from your touch.

You started to slowly pump your hand up and down his veiny cock, its weight and thickness feeling so satisfying to hold. Feeling him twitch in your grasp, you loosened your grip, not wanting your fun to end so soon, drawing a quiet whine from your boyfriend. “Please let me cum,” he begged, breaking away from your kiss and looking up at you with his cute expression, as if he were a puppy that needed his owner to take care of him.

When your motions finally picked up in speed, you felt the strong muscles of his thighs clench while he shallowly rutted into your hand. “Fuck, can I cum in your mouth?” He asked, brows furrowed in concentration, his hands scrunching up the fabric of the blanket on his lap.

You sat up, quickly checking to make sure no one was watching the two of you and no flight attendants would be coming by. Seeing that the coast was clear, you turned back to him, “fine but make quick.”

“Yes, thank you,” he sighed out as you lowered your mouth onto his length, your saliva coating it while he continued to rock into your warmth. You didn’t even have the chance to tease him with your tongue since he began desperately thrusting into your lips, fucking your mouth like he would your pussy.

You felt his dick twitching once more, hungrily chasing its release so you placed a hand onto his lower abdomen to keep his hips down as a safety precaution, and not a moment too soon. Lucas lets out a strained moan the moment he begins spilling his load into your mouth, its bitter and salty taste coating your tongue.

He continued to shallowly thrust into you, riding out his high though a shiver went through his body as you swallowed around his length then swirled your tongue around its head to clean him up. Lucas let out a heavy breath of relief, his body going limp when you finally pulled away from his now sensitive cock. You let him recover while doing your best to take care of him, tucking him back into his underwear and readjusting his sweats, neatly tying back together the strings that had gotten loose.

At last, when you were straightening out the blanket to cover your boyfriend’s large frame, he had enough strength to say “thanks, love you.”

“Love you too, bee boy,” you playfully remarked, patting his firm chest as he dozed off once more.

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

thinking about "death for shock value" again tonight bc i just watched all four Hunger Games movies this week and Mockingjay pt. 2 always just. messes me up.

I get Prim. i get it, i do: her death meant something, it meant something both thematically - because everything Katniss has done comes back to Prim - and plot-wise because without the second wave of explosions, without Gale's confession, without Primrose's death Katniss wouldn't have known the depth of Coin's corruption. she wouldn't have had that thought of those children, her sister, pure and innocent and loving and represented in the eyes of every. child. she. meets. so close to the forefront of her mind when Coin called that meeting. she would have had a living sister, a living light in her life, and heard Coin say "symbolic Hunger Games" and voted yes for the justice of it all and because she's just impulsive like that. she'd have killed Snow and been done with it, and who knows what Panem would have become under Coin. Prim died so Katniss could learn and feel and understand the truth that Coin was more dangerous than Snow at that point. because everything Katniss does comes back to Prim - Rue, her romance with Peeta, every single choice she's made can be tied back into one girl's love for her sister.

what i don't get, what i never can understand or be alright with, is Finnick's death. i can't write a big pretty-sounding paragraph for him like i did for Prim because his death is just. a thing that happens. i can't find the purpose in it. it's senseless and useless and meaningless and Finnick Odair was the best man in the series and he deserved a life. he deserved a life with Annie and his son and he deserved to see the world reborn. he was the most genuinely good person in the whole series - he was always so soft and gentle with anyone who needed it, even Peeta after he was hijacked, and i know maybe i'm letting my own personal preferences (Finnick is, along with Johanna, my favorite character) color this but i can't come to terms with the fact that he died so senselessly. Suzanne Collins could have made it mean more, or tie into some other aspect of the series either literally or just thematically - heaven knows i adore thematic parallels - and maybe then i could accept it, but it DOESN'T. it doesn't mean anything other than a loving, gentle, genuinely sweet man - the guy who cared for Mags until she made the choice to give up her life and afterwards was so devastated that he had to be draggd out of danger, the one who took to Katniss even though she's prickly as all heck and treated her like a younger sister through everything (he calmed and comforted her and she did the same in return, honestly they're one of the healthiest relationships in the series and it's entirely platonic), the one who was still gentle and friendly to Peeta even when everyone else was calling him traitor and mutt and threat - killed for......... what? emotional impact?

or, like i said at the beginning of this post, shock value?

listen, i don't have a whole lot of coherent thoughts about like... the cultural trend of senselessly killing characters for no justifiable reason, but it's something that exists and usually i roll my eyes and move on but THG is basically my comfort series (both movies and books) and for some reason this specific thing just really upsets me and i wanted to rant about it, so.

(additions are greatly welcomed if anyone has more thoughts on this, whether about THG or anything else)

[captain-barnes-writes]

Someone Like You [1/6]

Summary: In which Sebastian tries to win you back a year and a half after your relationship’s rupture, but only because there’s a new man in your life.

 (Mini-series)

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Latina

Warning: Angst (lotssss), language, sexual content, 18+. NOT PROOFREAD.

Word Count: 1.1k

Sebastian missed the way his hands would perfectly wrap around your throat, constricting your breath but still bring a tingling and yearning sensation upon you. He loved your pink pouty lips, kissing, biting, sucking them but especially when they were wrapped around his cock.

And the way you let him fuck you senselessly? God, he missed the way your tightness squeezed him and took him so well; he loved being inside you. Leaving behind traces of bruises and love bites throughout your neck and back and the slight red marks for his spanks on your ass. He missed tracing his hands through your arched back, the unbelievably smooth skin coming alive with goosebumps, stopping at the small venus dimples that adorned your lower back which always prompted him to grab handfuls of your ass.

He was completely taken by you, your every aspect. Your dainty hands would grasp at the sheets or grab fistfuls of his short hair whenever he was too rough, but he knew you could take it. You always did anyway, he was always rough and you loved the loudness he brought out of you. You always gave him a feeling that was like no other, some out of body experience he had no words for.

He still vividly remembered your soft and desperate moans bounce off the walls of your bedroom. Most of your nights together were shared in your apartment to draw less attention to himself. He didn’t want his personal life out in the open like that, and maybe it was to protect you as well. But it was mostly because of his lack of commitment to you. Being away for months at a time made it hard for him to be monogamous. Not that you guys had been exclusive or even in a relationship for the year your little arrangement had lasted for, but it was what you yearned for the most. A place in his life, an ounce of commitment from his part. You didn’t want exclusivity so he could show you off or to become famous through him, you would do that through your own merit. You just wanted him.

At Sebastian’s vagueness, nonchalance and refusal to give you a place in his life, you quickly grew tired of the cycle he had you in. You grew tired of waiting for him, of simply being the girl he fucked whenever he was back in town. That’s all it seemed you were good enough for anyway. You felt inadequate and the feelings you harbored for the dark haired and steel-blue eyed man had to be obliterated. So you’d ended things through a simple text, proceeded to block his number and all of his social media.

Now a year and a half later, Sebastian sat with his good friend Anthony and other set mates having a few drinks after a long day of filming. It’d been a year and a half since he’d last seen you. Today was one of those days when you’d randomly cross his mind. His heart would constrict slightly at the thought of you, yesterday he’d thought of you as well and quite honestly the last few weeks too. Your career had catapulted to the top within the last few months with a critically acclaimed film. As the lead actress, you’d been praised for your talent. Your name was out there now, being uttered by much of the world. Your beautiful face was everywhere, etched on billboards, magazines and throughout social media. It’d been a shock to him to see your face everywhere, not that he’d doubted your immaculate talent, hard work ethic and he knew you’d make it big, but because it had been so long.

You were ruthless and stoic when it came to protecting yourself, so you’d blocked his number and all his social media within a minute. It’d come as a shock when you texted him a simple “don’t come looking for me anymore. It’s over” on a weekday that was the culminating day on set for his latest movie. It was as if you knew he was planning on visiting that coming weekend. You were really the only person he went to when it was time to go back to New York. Fooling around with girls on set wasn’t anywhere near as exciting as being with you and that was clear as day for him, but his commitment issues were a roadblock to your possible relationship.

He had not heard from you for over a year, but now you were everywhere. Maybe, Sebastian thought, this was how it’d been for you for so long: unable to avoid him even though you hadn’t seen him for so long. He appeared in ads, movies and magazines and just seeing his face, and hearing his voice through tv probably brought the same deep searing pain you’d felt all those months ago. Now it was his turn to see you, hear you and cope with the fact that he couldn’t avoid you.

“Man, isn’t this the chick you were seeing last year?” Anthony asked, his eyes glued to the large phone in his hand. As one of his closest friends, Anthony was one of the few people who knew about you. The first time he met you, he’d been left impressed and didn’t understand how Sebastian couldn't do such a simple thing like commit to you. He’d swore under his breath he’d commit to you within a second causing Sebastian to send a sneering glare at him. The dude had some serious problems, he thought.

“What?” Sebastian said, his blue eyes snapping towards his friend who even with his question wouldn’t take his eyes off the damn phone. Scooting his chair closer to him, he craned his neck down to see what he was referring to. Was he talking about you? He’d dated a few other girls throughout the last year and a half, unable to really stick with just one because nobody really compared. Though at the moment, he was currently exclusive with a nice girl without really meaning to. He hated his private life being out there for the world to see and judge, but it had just happened on a random outing of the pair and the photographs were out there now, meaning his personal life wasn’t really private anymore. But you’d been the only one Anthony ever came to have a liking to, always chastising him for letting you end things so easily like that.

“Ya know, the one who got away?” He smirked fashioning his trademark gap toothed smile.

“Stop quoting Kary Perry and give me your damn phone, Ant.” Sebastian snapped with a roll of his eyes. He snatched the grey iPhone out of his friend’s hand and brought it up to his face. And there you were in front of his face, separated by a phone screen. You were barely clothed in flimsy, delicate lingerie with your dainty hands wrapped around another man’s neck.

(To be continued)

-------

Let me know what you think :) 

[gredandforge01]

Bucky Barnes: Dating Headcanon

The gentle giant.

Cute hugs.

Him buying you cute little gifts.

Vise Versa.

Him being more than proud of you.

Helping him through his nightmares.

You rarely do, but when you have nightmares he’d comfort you like you do to him.

Giving him nose kisses.

Him blushing.

Being over protective of you.

“Y/n, no” “Y/n, yes”

Steve and the rest of the avengers shipping you both.

Always holding hands.

Him being afraid to hurt you to start with.

Slowly getting more comfortable around you.

Holding both of his hands to show you love all of him.

Taking baths together after missions.

Always having to buy plums at the shops for him.

Steve thinking you as a younger sister to him.

“Swear to God Rogers if he doesn’t come back whole-”

“He isn’t whole y/n, look at his arm.”

Slapping Steve across the back of the head.

Butt taps then running away laughing.

Natasha helping you pick out an old fashioned dress for your guys 1 year anniversary.

Bucky almost tearing up at how beautiful you look.

“You look beautiful, doll.”

The 1 year anniversary being a 40’s theme.

Asking you to marry him by the fountain, on one knee, in his sexy 40’s uniform.

Crying a yes and attacking him in a hug making you both go in the water.

Tickle fights.

Lazy morning kisses.

His morning voice is hot asf.

“Do you know another language, doll?”

“Yes I do actually. English and My Morning Language if I don’t get coffee.”

Him teaching you Russian.

Failing miserably.

Trying to say a word he says but it sounds like a bunch of gibberish.

“Teach me to say fuck so I can scream it at the top of my lungs at my teacher/boss won’t understand or get mad.”

Thinking you're adorable when you sleep.

Sleeping either side, mainly his right so he can feel you more.

Always ending up sleeping on top of him.

Amazing sex tbh.

He’ll either be sweet and gentle, having the “I want to worship your body tonight” look in his eyes.

Or he’ll grab your throat and look into your eyes as he fucks you senselessly, staring into your soul.

Whimpering when he does that because it makes you submit to him.

Marking each other skin.

Metal arm kink is a must.

Trying out different positions.

His being when your riding him and your chests are pressed together.

You can’t decide if its the one where you’re underneath him and he’s on top where you can both feel each other or when your on your stomach and he’s above, kissing down your spine and on the back of your neck.

But loving them all.

HIS THIGHS OF BETRAYAL!

Riding them when you need some friction.

Riding them when he’s half asleep.

Riding them just cuz.

Helping him remember.

Seeing the winter soldier side of him.

As much as he hates it, he hurt you when is was in winter soldier mode, fracturing you ribs.

Him apologising so, so, so, so, so many times.

You reassuring him its fine and hugging.

Him teaching you about the 40’s.

Seeming your great grandfather was in the war, Bucky and him got along real well.

“When I was your age…”

“Bucky I swear to God, you sound like my grandmother.”

Neck kisses.

Forehead kisses.

Hand kisses.

Playing with his hair as you both lay down on the couch.

Him really good at braiding your hair.

Man buns 

Matching hairstyles

Washing each others hair.

Doing a play/ short movie for an acting school and having to do the world war 2.

Amazingly, you end up being a character whose role is apart of the ‘107th’.

“I look ridiculous in this!”

“Its not that bad, doll.”

“It has like 15 layers!”

“You still look gorgeous baby.”

Stuffing up so many times with your lines before hand.

Having to do an overnight experience for the play.

Bucky joining you.

“I need the toilet.”

Him leading you to the toilet outside…

“Oh hell, I ain’t getting in that… I’ll wait.”

Lazy days.

“Babe, fruitcake is for old people.”

Painting together.

Cooking together.

When he’s half asleep, you snuggle under his arm and press your foreheads together.

He says some really weird stuff in his dream.

“But my elephant wants the donut with red, white and blue sprinkles Tony!”

Thinking he’s adorable.

Playing pranks on him.

Teaming up with Steve to pull pranks on him.

OMG STICKING MAGNETS TO HIS ARM!!

Especially the unicorn ones with ice cream.

Him humming songs from the 40’s.

Him teaching you to dance.

You standing on his foot a few times.

See who can eat a block of chocolate the fastest.

See who throws up first after eating the block of chocolate.

You just reach his shoulders.

Calling him soldier, Sargent, sarge, handsome, James, Barnes, Bucky, Fucky Buck, Lucky Bucky, Sucky Bucky, Ducky Bucky… basically anything that rhymes with Bucky…

Him calling you doll like ALLL the time. Angel, sweetie, sweetheart, darling, sexy, mine, my little soldier, and baby doll when he’s horny… #sorrynotsorry.

Facetiming when he’s on missions.

Him leaving a little “surprise” (I mean a vibrator) in your bedside table so when your facetiming you both can have some release.

Using that vibrator when he comes back from missions so he shows his arm is a better vibrator.

Yes… his arm has a vibrator mode.

You don’t even ask about how it came to be.

Living in a little apartment together in the city on one of the top floors, where the city lights shine into the huge floor to ceiling window.

After his nightmares and he doesn’t want to wake you, he would sit there on the sofa and just watch the lights.

Overlooking the city at night when you both can’t sleep while having a hot beverage.

When your sick he likes to wrap you up in blankets on the couch and give you some chicken soup his mother always used to make for him when he was sick.

Taking care of you even if your not sick.

Helping you shower or bath when your sick.

Being a complete gentlemen when your sick.

Him saying that his mother would absolutely adore you.

Him pulling out a seat for you.

Opening the car door for you.

Letting you go into the door before he does.

“Girls before boys.” He’d cheekily grin.

“Elders before beauties…” You’d snort back.

He’s face is so shocked and “upset”.

Then he’d pick you up and playfully fight you.

“ I’m in a dress Barnes.”

“Well, I’m the only one here with you.”

“Exactly! I don’t think I could go another round after what happened yesterday.”

‘Unconditionally’ by Katy Perry playing at your wedding as you two dance slowly.

Basically loving each other unconditionally.

'I’m with you till the end of the line’ is your vows…

Steve crying at your wedding.

You crying at your wedding.

Bucky crying even at your wedding.

Always and forever…

[irrevocably-delicious]

A Brief History of LGBT+ Characters and Why the Death of Adam in Voltron is Worth Being Upset About

So uh.... Good morning.

So I think it’s pretty obvious by now that the reception to season 7 has been less than... good. The fan base has been shattered. People are upset, angry, and abandoning this series in droves (I’ve lost over 50 followers as I write this, just from people no longer wanting anything to do with this show) and have been incredibly vocal as to the reason why.

They killed Adam. 

After two weeks of receiving praise for the relationship that was revealed at San Diego Comic Con, fans discovered on Friday night that Adam’s existence would be short lived, further contributing to this popular “Bury Your Gays” trope. 

And I’ve seen people confused at this outcry. They don’t understand why people are so upset at this tiny side character’s death. What’s the big deal, right? It’s war! There’s supposed to be casualties!

And to that kind of response I have to narrow my eyes and go:

“Oh.... maybe you understand the history of this.”

Because it is a history. A rich one. “Bury your gays” isn’t a trope in the same why that “Fake dating” is a trope. It’s not popular out of coincidence and I feel like many people are ignorant of that, which is FAIR! Because most voltron fans are young, most tumblr users are young, so I don’t expect you to be watching documentaries on LGBT+ cinema in between studying for your chemistry exams. 

So that’s where I come in. Buckle in children as I take you on a journey on why the “Bury your gays” trope exists, and the harmful ramifications that it has had on the LGBT+ community since its inception.

So lets go back. Way back to the 1920′s when homosexuality, or at least homosexuality adjacent themes were seen on screen. 

A time where a bro could kiss his bro, and it was seen as heart wrenching and realistic (Wings, 1927). A time where Marlene Dietrich could wear a suit better than a man, and flirt and kiss a lady just because she fucking could (Morocco, 1930). A time where gender roles were a bit looser, and there wouldn’t be an outcry over such imagery.

But as the great depression continued, and film producers became desperate to get butts in seats at the cinema, these LGBT+ themes became outright explicit. Raunchy even. Used for titillation and shock value. 

“Have you seen that new picture, Doris? The one where the roman emperor has the hot male sex slave?? Mmmmm scandalous!”

But with this rise of LGBT+ characters and interactions used for shock value, also came the rise of public outcry. The catholic church (those debbie downers) started boycotting films. This lead to the formation of the PRODUCTION CODE, which is a fancy way to say THE CODE THAT WILL NOW CENSOR THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR FILMS in 1934.

Backed by catholic activists, the code made it impossible for LGBT+ representation to exist on film. 

But did they?? See, this is actually were we start to see the development of “Queer coding”. Where actors and directors got savvy, and let you know a character was gay, whilst never explicitly stating so. It was subtle enough that it got past censors, but clear enough that audience members, especially LGBT+ people, got clued in.

Yeah Peter Lorre, you put that phallus shaped object next to your mouth a lot. They’ll get what your implying, don’t you worry. 

Oh, I’m sorry.... did i say you couldn’t have LGBT+ characters?? My mistake, you totally fucking could. Explicitly even.... if they were the villain. Religious people were totally cool if the villain in your film was LGBT+, because to them, that’s what LGBT+ people were.... villains. 

Film’s like Rebecca, Dracula’s Daughter, and Alfred Hitchcock’s Rope all centre around truly horrifying and despicable villains... who are all gay. LGBT+ villains became such a staple in horror films during this time that it lead to a whole near character archetype! We have the damsel in distress, the heroic soldier, the wise old man, now welcome the rise of the: 

PSYCHO QUEER.

Yikes. 

But why I’m talking about this so much is because this popularity in LGBT+ villains is what creates the “Bury your Gays” trope. 

Because the villains.... always die. 

It’s their comeuppance. Their karma. Of course bad people will die and the heroes will go one to live a happy life! But what crime are we punishing these villains for? 

The message these movies gets across to their audiences is that “If you are gay, you are a bad person... and bad people deserve to die”. Because Gay and villain were so synonymous with each other, they become one in the same, and as we all know by now REPRESENTATION MATTERS.

This influences how society views LGBT+ people, so that in 1952, when the PRODUCTION CODE of YOU BETTER NOT CONDONE ANYTHING SINFUL IN HERE BECAUSE JESUS DOESN’T LIKE THAT is torn down, things still don’t get much better for LGBT+ representation. 

LGBT+ characters no longer have to be villains, but society is still not super cool with LGBT+ people, so now we get a new archetype: The self hating tragic gay character. And often? These characters kill themselves, such as in 1961′s The Children’s Hour. Because this is palatable to audiences who do not condone homosexuality in any way, but watching an LGBT+ struggle with themselves? Watching them become overwhelmed by guilt and hatred until they decide that death is the only way out? How tragic! How cursed they are! How pitiful! How... marketable. 

But to see LGBT+ characters end up happy? Audiences at this time would not have stomached it, because to them, being LGBT was immoral and these characters were not deserving of happiness. A good analogy might be how modern audiences would view a film with a drug addict character in it. The addict either succumbs to their addiction and dies tragically, or they “Go straight” and have a happy ending. For these audiences in the 50s and 60s the only happy ending was a straight ending. 

Then in 1969 we get the Stonewall Riots, and in the 1970s things actually look alright.

That is until the 1980s and society finds a new reason to hate, fear and vilify LGBT+ people. The AIDS crisis wipes out lives and almost all positive representation in the media. This fear is echoed in film as LGBT+ people become villains again. Sleepaway Camp and Cruising are such examples. 

The 90′s are better. Whilst mainstream cinema is still vilifying LGBT+ in the 80s, more positive independent films still exist, and the success of the 1991 documentary Paris is Burning prompts Hollywood to go “Hey... maybe we can get some money if we pander to these LGBT+ folks”.

There is a brief period in the 90s where gay comedies like The Birdcage, In and Out, and To Wong Foo are allowed to exist. They’re comedies. The stereotypes are played for laughs, but there is a level of joy and care with these movies where even though these characters are making us laugh... for once we’re not laughing at them. We love these characters. We want them to succeed. No. One. Dies. 

It smells like progress. Finally.

Or at least it would. Because these films also exist in the same decade that Philadelphia wins Oscars and the musical Rent is winning Tonys. Both of these deal with the tragedy of the AIDS crisis and have main characters die from the disease. Am I going to point out that Rent has four characters suffering from AIDS, but the only one to die is the Trans-coded poc gay man? Yes. Yes I am. Meanwhile the heterosexual couple suffering from AIDS gets a happy ending.

Interesting. 

I hate you Rent. I hate you so goddamned much.

Also the 90s sees a good return to queer-coding villains. It’s always been there. It’s never really gone away, but I need to talk about the queer coding of 90′s villains because I’m sure all of you will actually recognise them.

Ah. There They are. Queer coding and Disney have a very rich history, which MANY articles have been written on. One might even say that it’s a... tale as old as time.

Mmmm no thank you. 

But why it is so rampant, particularly in animated films, is because the films have a limited run time. 

“We need to convince the audience that these characters are villains IMMEDIATELY. We don’t really have the time to waste on developing them and showing all their evil actions. We need audiences to believe when we tell them that these characters are bad. how do we do that?”

“.... make them kinda gay??”

That’s not actually how the conversation went in the board room, I’m sure, but it’s a very reduced down version. Because of the history of LGBT+ villains in the early years of cinema, animation relies on the stereotypes of villainous characters... well unfortunately those villains of old were LGBT+, so now we have LGBT+ stereotypes being passed on to new villains. 

Anyway, my point is that almost all Disney villains die. Sorry that’s where I was going with this. Most of them die. The “Bury your Gays” trope is repeated here because of the villain’s queer coding. It’s not obvious, but the subtext is “Hey, if you’re a bit effeminate or do things outside of your strict gender role? Mmmmmm you deserve to die.”

“Bury your Gays” continues in modern media. Despite the importance of Brokeback Mountain, which explicitly shows a romance and intimacy between two men... Jake Gyllenhaal’s character still dies, and it’s implied that it may be due to a hate crime. 

We see it in television. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Downton Abbey, Arrow, there was a massive outcry over the trope in The 100 when a female character, after just entering an intimate relationship with another female character, is killed off seemingly senselessly. 

The LGBT+ community is tired of only seeing themselves killed for shock value, character growth, or tragedy. Even Ru Paul’s Drag Race has come under fire in recent years for seemingly exploiting its contestants traumatic histories for ratings. 

This is why this year’s Love, Simon was so important. The film portrays an adolescent gay character as he struggles with being open with his sexuality and finding a meaningful relationship. Simon is portrayed as a sympathetic character. He’s the hero.

And he gets a happy ending.

This is why Korrasami, a same-sex relationship in children’s media, is so important. It shows two girls achieving their happy ending together.

It’s why in the same year that Steven Universe portrays a same sex wedding, Adam’s death feels like such a step backwards. 

The producers have stated that Adam’s death was supposed to raise the stakes of the season, it was supposed to make viewers realise the severity of the situation and overcome them with a feeling of loss, but Adam’s death doesn’t just fail the LGBT+ fans... it fails to effect viewers emotionally.

Because audiences can’t mourn a character that they have no connection with.

Most of Adam’s character was developed in interviews and not in the show, where he only spoke for one scene. The creators talked about the deep relationship between Adam and Shiro, but none of that is actually visible in the series. Taking the season at face value, Adam is just some guy who’s connected to Shiro that is killed off unceremoniously. He wasn’t even given the dignity of  hero’s death, taking out even one enemy before he died. That’s what hurts the most.

His death is meaningless. It does nothing. It’s pointless.

But of course “There’s still Shiro, right?”, which is true. Shiro still exists and is confirmed a mlm, which is important, but it’s understandable why fans may not be satisfied with this. Let’s take a closer look at Shiro.

I often joke with my friends that Voltron should be renamed Shiro Suffers: The Series, because out of all the characters in the show, Shiro has definitely endured and been subjected to the worst (you could argue that Allura has, but Shiro has the joy of being tortured emotionally and physically, so I feel he wins). 

The writers have tried to kill him numerous times, with only toy sales saving him. He’s been beaten, tortured, terminally ill, killed, revived, possessed and used... it’s a lot. In the old days, I used to ship shallura, not really out of feeling a real romantic connection between the characters, but just because I wanted Shiro to have someone. Someone to help support him. Someone he could open up about his struggles with. The paladins mean a lot to Shiro, but because he is their surrogate guardian, he cannot open up to them like this. He cannot show the paladins weakness, and we see this in how he keeps his disease a secret from Keith, because he does not want to burden Keith with his struggle. 

The introduction of Adam wasn’t just exciting because of the potential of seeing a caring LGBT+ relationship, but because it gave fans hope that Shiro would have someone. There was the potential that Shiro might finally gain some kind of supportive relationship outside of his strict roles of “leader” and “guardian”.

Adam’s death removes that possibility. Despite how caring, generous, strong, intelligent, kind, patient and capable Shiro is written... his life is fucking awful. It’s very telling that in the final scene of the season, when every other paladin is in the hospital surrounded by their family and loved ones, Shiro is alone. He’s on a stage, giving a rousing speech to a crowd, still trapped in this role as an inspirational leader.

God, they don’t even let Shiro mourn Adam. Does he feel guilty that he was the one who supposed to die, whilst Adam lived, but now their roles are reversed?We’ll never know. Adam’s death doesn’t even give some insight into Shiro’s character. It’s truly pointless.

Season 7 of Voltron has made it clear that this is not a kids show.  This is a serious show with dark themes. The writers want it to be taken more seriously.

Then I will critique it more seriously.

While I strongly doubt it was intentional, season 7 perpetuates the age old message “If you are LGBT+, you will not achieve a happy ending.” The “Bury your Gays” trope is steeped in a history of oppression, censorship, and vilification. When Adam dies, you’re not just seeing a character die, but you’re seeing the series make a conscious decision to participate in this oppressive trope. And it stings even more because the series sets two heterosexual relationships to potentially end in happiness, whilst the LGBT+ relationships have already ended in tragedy.

Why Adam? Why not literally anyone else? We had no connection to him, so it’s not like they could have used a handful of other characters for the same effect. (Kill James. Fuck that guy. And he’s young so it really would have hurt.)

And that’s what you have to question. This is why fans are upset.

I’m not writing this to convince anyone to boycott the show, or plead with you to stop watching. That’s up to you and your own belief system. I definitely do not condone harassing the writers or voice actors.

I just want people to understand why fans are so upset over season 7, and that they have every right to be. To state that the outcry is just because “fans didn’t see their ships become canon” is dismissive and cruel. Adam and Shiro’s relationship was heavily used in marketing by Netflix, so much so that you could call it queer-baiting. It was hyped at SDCC and explained as this deep and meaningful relationship, whilst the producers knew what Adam’s fate would be the whole time. 

I know producers have to answer to higher ups. I know the crew were largely on edge about what would get approved and what would not. 

But the point remains... they still made this conscious choice. Fans don’t have to be happy about it. They shouldn’t be. 

I have no idea what season 8 will bring, and at this point I feel like it might be a mess. But I encourage fans to support each other and be vocal about why you’re upset. You can’t change this show, but there’s hope that another series could learn from this. 

History repeats. Until we don’t let it. 

[dregstrash]

Nikolai as a starstruck librarian KILLED me. Loved that a lot. Might I request a kissy Zoyalai fic in the form of: Nikolai spontaneously planting one on Zoya and leaving her actually speechless. From shock or FEELINGS, you decide. It could even be a sweet little cheek or forehead kiss that she just... cannot stop thinking about. Maybe she gets Nikolai back, or maybe he does it again bc he enjoyed her reaction. ;)

Listen I would die for Librarian!Nikolai

Thanks for requesting!!! If anyone wants to read the first fic of this au and then this installment  and then the Golden Globes Pt. 1 and Golden Globes Pt. 2

And I hope you don’t mind this is more of a headcanon

Zoya wasn’t a fan of the whole PDA deal

She thought it was cheesy and not her style at all

Plus it wasn’t like she was an overly affectionate person to begin with

So it came to an instant relief when Nikolai was much the same

For such a flirt, he mostly kept his displays of affection to holding her hand, or his arm over her waist or her shoulders

And of course the brief kisses to her forehead

The first time he did it, it caught her off guard

They had just taken a walk during one of his breaks from work and she felt like she was in a godsdamned romantic comedy as they walked through the town square hand in hand.

He had just laughed at something she said, and dropped a quick kiss to the top of her head, where her ridiculous bucket hat had covered her hair

For someone who was no stranger to kisses, she almost froze with the casualness of the action

It said everything from “I’m comfortable enough to just casually show the whole world that I care about you” to “I can’t do much to show you how badly I want to kiss you senselessly right now, but this will do.”

She was a rare receiver of the forehead kiss, but she was surprised to find that she loved them

She’d rather die than admit that to him, but it was still a fact

And it seemed like Nikolai was crazily in tune with her, because he seemed to have some instinctual knowledge that she liked them

When she was sick and he took care of her, he fed her chicken soup and dropped a forehead kiss

When she was racing through her lines because the producer of her new movie had moved up their time table and wanted to get all of her solo scenes done as soon as possible, he dropped a forehead kiss when she was ready to commit murder

For a small town librarian who seemed to belong on a runway, he was unbelievably perceptive to her needs– all the way down to the kind of kisses she liked.

[wildtige429]

Between Father and Son

@lynea-kureji​

Based on the video I have found and posted on my blog. Taken before Star surrenders her wand to Toffee in Storm the Castle.

WARNING!! Blood, bone breaking and violence!

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Come on, come on, COME ON!!!

He twisted the horns of his trusted dragon cycle, urging and revving it up to the point they are speeding down in maximum overdrive, leaving a big trail of blue fire in their wake across the city of Echo Creek, The Wyvern couldn’t focus on the damage he’s making in his rush.

Because his friends are in trouble.

He fished out his dimensional scissors, designed with wicked curves and blue flame designs on the handles and connected to a cord so he can use it to whip it back into his hand, and he threw it in front of him till the cord turns taunt. With a flick of his wrist, he rips open a portal and reels in his scissors just as he and Razor vanished into the glowing depths before it closes.

I’m coming guys! He thought, feeling the sweat pooling underneath his uniform, helmet and boots.

The other end of the portal rips open and they landed in a harsh drift, piling up dust clouds and small dirt hills. Panting, The Wyvern quickly hopped off his dragon cycle (calling out to it to wait there) and sprinted towards what formerly is Ludo’s castle. Using the claws of his gloves as well as his own, he jabs onto the wall and scrambled up to it like a fast-moving gecko until he finally reached the top window.

“That crystal is twice as strong now,” a familiar voice resonated from the top window that leads to the banquet hall. The masked lacertid vigilante hero snuck to the window, peeps down and saw what is going on. His breathe hitched in fear of what he saw.

He saw Toffee, sitting calmly and regally in the main chair where Ludo used to sit, Ludo’s former monster lackeys having outnumbered the princess and her new friend, to whom he believed is called Buff Frog with his tadpoles scattered around him, and Marco caged inside a crystalline cage that is slowly levelling down on him to the point it’s going to squish him into pulp.

His focus was aimed on the older lizard. An intense sense of justice and vengeance welled up into his heart, his hands clenching tightly until the joints cracked.

“Don’t worry, Star!” He hears Marco’s straining voice calling out to the blonde, seeing that he is now on his knees and struggling against the shrinking crystal cage that is going to crush him at any second, “I think I got it.”

“No.....”, The Wyvern breathed in panic, finding himself hyperventilating a bit. He reached for his pistols hooked behind his belt, spotting a look in Star’s eyes he knew what it meant.

She’s made a decision. A drastic one.

Wyvern found himself clenching his teeth in impatient panic, watching Star get onto the table before his number one enemy (holding down the tumbling plate before him) and outstretched her arm to him, wand pointing at him.

He couldn’t take it.

“LEAVE THE KIDS ALONE!!!!”

All heads snapped upward at the source. With an impatient cry, they saw The Wyvern leapt down from the top window, guns ablaze and began firing blue lasers after lasers at everyone present in the room (Star ducking down and covering her head after she got down on the floor to escape the gunfire), Toffee leaping back on the chair he was sitting on to shield himself from the gunfire. One by one, the monsters were stunned by the blue laser bullets. Those that were not hit charged at him with fists and weapons raised, battle crying.

Hooking his guns back in their slots, he struck them down like Tony Jaa in the movie, Ong Bak, breaking and fracturing some bones in each fistfight. The Wyvern unsheathe a dagger from the sheaths around his left shin and threw it directly at the crystal cage holding Marco. It struck the glass, instantly glowing blue and freezing it and halting its attempt to crush the boy.

“Wyvern!” the kids called out with joy to see his arrival.

“What’s the Wyvern doing here?” The masked hero looked to his left and saw the former monster boss cowering.

“Obvious!” Star, Marco and Wyvern answered him in slight annoyance. He clearly has no idea the masked hero came for their rescue.

When they were busy focussing on the avian, Wyvern didn’t sense a presence behind him and before he could react, felt a sharp cold pain pierced into his back, missing the spine and internal organs.

His howl of agony was mixed with Buff Frog, Star and Marco’s “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” as the knife slid out of his back, and he fell onto his hands and knees, his blood staining his uniform black and bright red. As the three watched in horror and sheer shock, The Wyvern tries to get up but a foot stomps down on his stab wound, hard. The injured hero let out a bloodcurdling cry of pain and agony. He was then suddenly kicked to the side, tumbling across the room until he hit the wall, leaving a trail of blood in his tumble.

“Wyvern, no,” Star sobbed, tears pricking at the sight of his pain.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!” Marco roared, banging the glass in rage.

“Stay out of this, guys! This is between him and me!” Wyvern called out, grunting and groaning to sit up right. His healing has stopped the bleeding, yet the clot is thin and weak. Whipping one of his pistols out, he was about to pull the trigger at the grey lizard but his wrist was grabbed in a tight, bone-crunching grip, making him scream in pain as his pistol slid out of his fingers and clattered at his feet.

“It’s futile, Wyvern,” Toffee informed him, coldly, releasing his foe’s wrist that dropped senselessly. The vigilante’s head tilted heavily on his left shoulder in total exhaustion, breathing heavily and yet he from behind his visor, he was glaring at him.

“Now let us take a look at who is behind the mask of The Wyvern,” Toffee’s hands reached out to the edges of his helmet. The hero let out a panicked gasp, followed by Star and Marco. For Ludo, he was eagerly waiting to know the secret identity of his third enemy.

Slowly and carefully, Toffee slid the draconine-based helm of The about-to-be-unmasked Wyvern until it was already off. Long black hair, with one strand dyed bright green, tumbled out from the helmet and cascaded down his shoulders.

The sight of the unmasked Wyvern’s face brought a look of shock and horror upon the cold and calm face of the lizard. He was stricken so intensely, he lets the helmet tumble out of his hands and clattering down onto the floor at his face.

“No way....”, Ludo gasped in shock.

“It....cannot be...,” Buff Frog said in total disbelief and shock.

The Wyvern......is Star and Marco’s first monster friend, Toshi.

The monster lackeys, that were stunned by the gunfire and beaten up by the revealed Toshi, were gasping dramatically that The Wyvern is a monster.

“Sh....Shirogane!?” Toffee breathed, shock and horror evident in his voice.

Toshi breathed deeply, feeling that the stab wound is healing a bit and getting stronger, rose up to his feet and glared up into the older lizard’s face. Teeth bared, he hissed, “Hey......Dad!”

“DAD!?” Everyone, except Toffee, echoed in astonishment. The kids were beyond disbelief that everything that their friend has told them about his father was in fact this evil lizard overthrew Ludo and captured Marco.

No wonder he looks familiar. When Marco first met the guy before Star came, he noticed that he and Toshi have the same hair color and scale color. Their faces almost matched when he sees them together.

“He’s.....he’s the Dad you were talking about?” Star spoke out to Toshi, stunned by the reveal.

“Why? Why The Wyvern!?” Toffee suddenly snapped, “It was YOU the whole time!?”

“Someone has to protect the innocent from villains like YOU!” Toshi retorted, leaning into his face, “I don’t know what your plan is! But what I do know is....YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!”

“I NEVER ruined your life!” his father argued, suddenly grabbing his shoulders in his anger, “I left you and your mother for a better cause!”

Toshi could not handle his rage and without warning, lashed at his father with his claws, leaving his mark on his snout. His attack was backfired when he was suddenly grabbed and a sharp knee jabs into his stomach, winding him and bringing him to his knees. The recovering monsters secured him as their boss walked back to his seat.

“Star.....,” Toshi coughed weakly. He caught her attention, thankfully, “Don’t give him the wand. Please......”

The blonde just couldn’t sit there and watch this happen. Growing serious, she slowly got up to her feet and walked toward his father.

“No, NOOO!!!!” Toshi screamed, wrestling against his captors’ hold but was futile. With the cage unfrozen and resuming its performance on crushing Marco, he felt defeated.

I’m sorry, Mom, He let a tear stream down his streak.

From where he sat, he watches his father watching Star performing a whispering spell onto her own wand. He saw the magic drain out of the sacred object and he knew it was over when she finishes whispering.

“Now let Marco and Toshi go,” Star demanded. Toffee obliged, pressing the button of the cage that reverts it to its normal size. And Marco wasn’t turned into a squeezed out human. With a wave of his hand, the minions released his son, who fell onto his hands in defeat.

“What have you done?” He whispered to her in shame and despair.

A hand was felt on his shoulder, glancing up to see Buff Frog.

“Run!” he whispered. He saw the message clearly in his eyes just as the frog monster left with his tadpoles. He quickly snatched his helmet just as the drained wand begins to go haywire, and all of the monsters present began to flee in terror. Toshi he won’t make his escape fast enough seeing how intense the haywire wand is becoming.

Helmet in hand and scowling with hatred and vengeance, Toshi got up to his feet slowly and threw a hand grenade down at his feet that will turn into a shield bubble to protect him. Both father and son’s eyes met. And it was a look and face that Toffee will never forget.

What came next will haunt him forever.

“I wish you weren’t my father.”

The older lizard’s face slowly distorted into a hurt and shocked expression, his mouth agape by those hurtful words from his own son that were like a sword to his heart, ripping it into tiny pieces of it.

All Toshi could remember next was a huge pink flash. And then all he saw was black.

(Minutes later)

“Tos-!

“Toshi!”

“TOSHI!!”

He feels like he was bashed by a monster truck, his body stiff and he can only twitched the tip of his tail and his finger. He opens his eyes to see a white void but it slowly dims down to reveal the familiar faces of a human and a Mewman princess.

“What happened?” he croaked, his throat dry.

“Your shield grenade protected you,” Star explained, “But sadly...,” she giggled nervously, “You broke all of your bones from that explosion.”

“Except for the tip of your tail and your finger,” Marco added with a nervous smile.

Scanning his surroundings, he sees that he is in his own bedroom. Looking down, he finds that his entire torso is bandaged and supported with braces, and his uniform and such is replaced by his regular blue jeans.

“Don’t worry, when you were knocked out, I took off your uniform before my and Marco’s parents came to get us and used your scissors to send it to your hideout,” Star reassured him.

“So they don’t know I’m The Wyvern?” The teens nodded at him and he let out a sigh of relief that his identity has not been exposed to other people.

“Your mom was really worried sick when she sees the state you’re in,” Marco informed, “We just told her you went and joined a stunt bike competition and got knocked out from performing a free-style stunt.”

He nodded stiffly, a forlorn frown visible on his face, “What happened to my dad?”

The two friends glanced at each other in surprise until they looked down, with what he presumed is.......grief.

“Your dad........is dead,” Star told him.

The news was the most heartbreaking thing he has ever heard. All his life, he held a grudge with his own father who left him and his mother when he was a baby. Remembering the short fight when his father found out that his own son is The Wyvern and the last words to him before the explosion was enough to bring fat streams of tears streaking down his cheeks.

Star and Marco reached out and held his right bandaged hand, heads bowed and eyes closed in silent prayer and grief as their friend sobbed and wept on the death of his father.

Even if he hates his father, they know....that Toshi still cares for him.

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This has to be the saddest fanfic I have ever written!

[the-gay-in-the-way]

When Starlight Fades, Part two

(It’s late and I’m tired and I probably shouldn’t have written this right now.)

(But it’s too late to turn back now.)

(Go here for the first part.)

(Things have escalated very quickly and, weirdly enough, I feel like that’s kind of appropriate for this particular part of the series.)

(Now, I am going to warn you all right now that things seriously go down in this chapter.)

(Some serious physical harm occurs and there’s some pretty gross graphic imagery in this that you may not want to read about.)

(So, just be warned that there’s some messed up stuff that happens here.)

(It is probably the MOST graphic and violent and messed up chapter within the entire CAP series as a whole.)

(I am not joking.)

(Be prepared for things to seriously go down.)

(It’s not, like, Saw horror movie levels of bad but it’s kind of messed up.)

(Just so you know.)

(Also, it’s a bit of a departure from my usual sort of emotional angst and stuff so...)

(Be prepared for that too.)

(Anyways, thanks for reading this and I hope you enjoy(?)this chapter.)

I’M DYING I’M DYING IT HURTS I’M DYING-

“Hey, Virg?”

“Yeah, Pat?

“Dinner’s almost ready, kiddo! You better come down soon before all the good pieces are taken!”

“Pieces?”

“Yeah! I said I’d make lasagna today, remember?”

“Oh...um.”

“Virg? Hey, are you alright in there?”

“YES!”

“...”

“I-I mean...yeah. I’m fine. I just...”

“Virgil?”

“I’m kind of in the middle of something, Pat. Do you mind leaving me to it?”

“In the middle of what?”

“Pat!”

“Wait...oh! OH! Are you-”

“PATTON! Please leave me alone right now! I am seriously begging you!”

A bright giggle leaked through Virgil’s door and it kind of made him want to cry.

“Right. Okay then, Virg. I’ll leave you to your ‘business’. Have fun!”

Patton’s footsteps faded and Virgil waited a few extra seconds before groaning quietly to himself.

Then a wave of pain flooded his senses and he gasped for breath.

IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS I’M DYING HELP ME HELP ME HELP IT HURTS-

He slammed a fist into his floor and was quietly thankful that he was too weak at the moment to actually break through it.

His chest heaved as he reached a shaking hand up and into his hair.

There was something wrong.

This wasn’t normal.

Something was happening to him and he had no idea what it was.

STOP PLEASE PLEASE DON’T NOT ANYMORE PLEASE STOP IT HURTS IT HURTS I DON’T WANT THIS!

Virgil growled and stood from his spot on the floor.

His room was a mess of wrecked furniture and belongings.

Shadows whipped and roiled around angrily and senselessly.

He felt like he was corrupted but he knew that he wasn’t.

He was somehow growing unstable but there was nothing that could possibly be causing that.

I NEVER WANTED THIS PLEASE STOP I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU ANYMORE!

Two hands reached up and started tugging angrily at already messy hair.

Virgil’s growls were only increasing in volume and his room was starting to shake as his voice shifted without him noticing.

His vision started to waver and he felt like he was falling apart.

“Stop it stop it stop it. Stop using his voice! Stop talking like him! STOP!”

VIRGIL!

--------------------

A roar filled the house and made everyone in the kitchen jump in fright.

Thomas instantly stood up from his seat, a concerned look on his face.

“VIRGIL?!”

Another roar shook the Mindscape and everyone prepared themselves to either run or surrender themselves as the sound of something breaking rang down from the upstairs hallway.

Then the echoing howls of Virgil’s shadows started to increase in volume as something slammed it’s way quickly towards them.

And, finally, a roiling mass of shadow with two shifting slits of violet for eyes bolted into the room and stopped right in front of them all.

A moment of tense almost silence occurred as the shadow stared at them all, almost uncomprehendingly.

Then something unexpected happened.

The shadow twitched violently and shuddered, it’s body losing it’s shape even more as the sound of horrific and hellish screaming echoed out of it.

Roman gritted his teeth at the noise, Logan had to grab a chair to support himself, Thomas swiftly covered his ears, Deceit took a couple steps back until he was pressed firmly to the wall, and Patton just put a hand up against his temple as he stared worriedly at his best friend.

The screaming only seemed to get worse over time and it started to writhe around on the ground, parts of its body smashing violently around the room to the point of Roman having to spring forward and pull Thomas away as the shadow struck the ground right next to the host.

For a moment, it looked like they would have to simply leave the room and hope that Virgil managed to deal with his instability on his own this time.

But then other shadows suddenly darted into the room and started to surround the large writhing one in the center.

The smaller shadows shrieked at their master and their master roared back its distress as they all pushed against the mass of darkness Virgil had become.

And the others all stared in shock.

This was new.

The shadows that Virgil controlled were technically a part of him, so they usually grew unstable alongside him.

But they seemed to be acting normally.

In fact, if anything, they seemed to be trying to stop Virgil from doing something he might regret.

“Virgil!”

The name was out of Patton’s mouth before he could even really think about what he was doing.

And then everything froze.

The shadow stopped writhing and grew instantly silent.

The shadows around it still held it close, but now a few let out quiet and distorted warbles of concern for their master.

Patton, unsure what else he should do, repeated himself.

“Virgil?”

And then there was a boom and everyone, the shadows included, was sent flying.

Patton’s back met harshly with the wall behind him, rattling his bones and sending the air right out of him.

He coughed and gasped for breath, his eyes closed as he tried to focus on making his lungs work again.

Then, as he finally took a big gulp of air, something smashed into the wall on either side of him.

He opened his eyes quickly and found himself face to face with the giant mass of shadow and its two glowing violet eye slits.

It stared at him in silence as he tried to take in air.

And, unable to do much else, he simply stared back.

He didn’t panic or try to run away.

Something was wrong with Virgil, he knew that.

His best friend was unstable, for some reason, and his shadows were acting strange.

But this was still Virgil.

This was still the person that spent almost every moment of every day watching over them all and taking care of them.

This was still the person he’d gone to such great lengths to befriend so many years ago.

This was his best friend.

And he trusted him.

No matter what.

So he didn’t move when the shadow started to growl.

He didn’t even blink when it seemed to curl around him more as it’s growls grew in volume and slowly shifted into a constant roaring.

But he did gasp when tendrils of shadow pressed against his sides.

And he cried out when the tendrils wrapped around his middle and squeezed tightly enough to bruise.

“PATTON!”

Several voices shouted out from somewhere else in the room and the shadows started to shriek even more than before.

And Patton screamed as the tendrils tightened even more and slowly lifted him off the ground.

The shadow was screaming too, it’s voice shifting and distorting as it brought the body in it’s grasp closer to itself.

The shadows of it’s own body started to wrap around Patton further and he struggled mindlessly as the immense pain made him temporarily lose the ability to think straight.

Tendrils wrapped around almost every part of his body, squeezing tightly, as everyone else tried everything they could to make the mass of shadow leave the moral side alone.

Patton felt like his entire body was being crushed while simultaneously just ceasing to exist as he was essentially absorbed into the shadowy mass surrounding him.

And, as a single tendril started to wrap slowly around Patton’s neck, he called out instinctively.

“VIRGIL!”

And he was dropped like a hot stone.

He cried out as his battered body fell to the ground and coughed violently, tears streaming down his face as he shakily clenched his fists against the floor.

“paTTOn...”

He looked up and his eyes widened.

Virgil stood in front of him.

But he looked different.

His form kept flickering.

Losing and gaining certain aspects over and over again.

His hair grew longer and shorter, darkening to black and then changing back to brown over and over again.

His teeth grew sharp like a sharks before reverting back to his usual four fangs.

His clothes would be his normal stitched up hoodie one second then become a sharp looking leather jacket the next.

His eye shadow would disappear and be replaced by a tattooed crack down his face before coming back with a vengeance.

And one of his eyes kept turning completely black, instead of the vibrant purple it usually was.

“WhaT haPPENed?”

His body kept twitching and his neck cracked loudly as he turned his head sharply to take in the rest of the room.

His voice grew even more shaky as he looked at Patton once again.

“whAT diD I dO?”

And Patton tried to speak.

He tried to tell his best friend that it was okay and that they would figure out what was going on together.

But he found himself coughing instead.

And suddenly there was blood on the floor and the room grew darker.

Virgil took a quick step back.

His eyes seemed to shake in their sockets and his entire body flickered even more than before, his voice practically losing all legibility as he spoke once more.

“WhAt dID I dO To yOu?!”

And Patton reached a hand out toward him as he tried to calm his coughing enough to speak.

Virgil just took more steps back, his form growing more unstable and the shadows around him growing more distressed as he did so.

“virgil...”

Patton’s voice was shaky and rough, but it was at least audible.

And it made Virgil freeze in his tracks, which Patton hoped was a good thing.

After a second of staring at each other, he smiled and Virgil’s eyes grew wide.

“It’s okay. You didn’t mean it. You wouldn’t hurt me on purpose, Virgil. It’s okay.”

Virgil’s chest started to heave in quick breaths and his form flickered to the point of being almost formless.

Patton clenched his teeth and forced himself to stand up.

He continued to smile.

“Virg, it’s okay. I’m still okay. You hurt me a little, but it’s okay. You stopped. That’s what’s important, alright? You didn’t mean it, and you stopped. You-”

“I WANTED TO KILL YOU.”

Patton’s eyes widened and he froze.

That wasn’t Virgil’s voice.

He’d heard Virgil’s voice in all of it’s forms and could recognize even the most distorted version of it easily.

But this voice was completely different.

It was similar.

But not quite right.

And the shadowy side had finally lost the ability to maintain features again.

His body had returned to it’s formless shadow state.

But it wasn’t exactly right either.

It took a step toward him and Patton twitched but remained still, the others all watching with varying levels of alarm and concern from the sidelines, where they were held within the protective embrace of several warbling shadows.

“I WAS GOING TO KILL YOU.”

Patton swallowed as he realized what was wrong with this shadow’s form.

“I WANTED TO HURT YOU.”

It moved differently.

Instead of the fast roiling tendrils Virgil usually had, it seemed to be made of slowly shifting vines that oozed black sludge.

“I STILL WANT TO.”

“Why?”

The shadow’s eye slits contracted for a moment.

Patton stared at it dead on, his stomach flipping as he realized just how wrong this entire situation actually was.

Then he had to resist the urge to actually vomit as something horrible happened.

Virgil had no other features in his shadow form than his eye slits.

Or, at the very least, he never used them while he was around the others.

But this ‘Thing’ that looked like his friend apparently had something else.

Because a part of it split open with a disgusting ripping noise and a rough hole of a mouth, filled to the brim with shadowy gnarled teeth and an overly long tongue that oozed darkness, turned up in a facsimile of a smile. 

“BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT.”

And suddenly the room was filled with light and the shadow screamed out in agony.

Virgil had never had a weakness to light.

Patton ran towards the hole in the universe that had suddenly appeared and only looked back once to send the shadow flying with a push of his own light magic.

It shrieked again and Patton had to remind himself that this definitely wasn’t his best friend he was hurting as shadows quickly flew past him, carrying the others away from the Thing that had invaded their home.

As the final shadow rushed through the brilliantly lit portal, it grabbed Patton as carefully as it could without breaking stride and pulled him into the other side as the Thing roared while lunging toward the portal after him.

Only for the portal to close right before it could get through.

As soon as the portal was closed and Patton was safely on the other side, he was surrounded by shadows and lights alike as the lavender lights from the willows canopy crowded around him alongside the shadows that usually followed Virgil everywhere.

He gasped as both entities pushed a little harshly against his injured abdomen before willow branches were suddenly carrying him gently away from the frantic creatures and over towards Thomas and the others.

“Patton!”

Thomas’ shout of distress was followed by Logan quickly and carefully moving his hands all over his body to give it a quick check.

After a moment of doing this, while the other three watched in concern, he moved his hands away from Patton and readjusted his glasses with a sigh.

“It looks like three of your ribs and your right wrist are broken but, past that, you seem to just have some heavy bruising. It shouldn’t take too long to heal, though you should likely attempt to hurry up the progress of your ribs with some sleep before we begin to handle whatever is happening with Virgil.”

And Patton bit his lip and looked back at the place where the portal had only just been.

“Yeah. Whatever’s going on...”

A hand came to rest gently, but firmly, on his shoulder and Patton turned back to see Roman looking at him with a serious and determined expression.

It made Patton want to smile.

Virgil would have been proud to see a look like that on the Prince’s face.

“We will find a way to fix it. No matter what it may be. We’ll find a way to save him.” Roman paused with a small smile. “Just as he would if we were in his position.”

And Patton smiled too, before leaning forward to rest his head against the Knight in training’s chest.

“Right. Thanks, Roman.”

Patton didn’t even move, but took a slightly sharp breath as the other very carefully picked him up and started waking towards the base of the willow tree.

“Not a problem, Padre. I meant every word.”

Then Roman placed him gently into a cushioned alcove and gave him a smile as he remained crouched at his side.

“Now, you should sleep for now while we consider our options. I promise to wake you before we make any final decisions.”

The moral side smiled at the creative side and relaxed tiredly against the cushions, his eyes already starting to droop shut.

“Okay. G’night, Roman”

“Goodnight. Sleep well.”

And, for the time being, the world disappeared.

--------------------

NO!

I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SO SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN IT I DIDN’T WANT TO I DIDN’T WANT THINGS TO END LIKE THIS I’M SO SORRY!

ANXIETY!

(And that’s the end of this crazy chapter.)

(This entire part of the series is probably gonna get a little complicated.)

(Also, some things, like the Knight in training comment, won’t make a whole lot of sense right now because I’m a terrible human being who writes things out of order and I haven’t finished writing out the part where that part is actually introduced and established.)

(Sorry if this seems a bit weird but I swear this all goes somewhere.)

(Also, I’m sorry that this was probably not a very pleasant thing to read.)

(I do actually promise that I’m going to write some fluff and happy things again in the future.)

(I’m just so ready to write about all of the plot heavy stuff right now and that mostly happens to be dark and angsty.)

(So yeah, sorry, I guess.)

(Here’s the taglists.)

@a-snoway-afternoon @ashrain5 @virgilscat @gumdrop2113@chelama @dragonsight9 @marse-422 @derpiest-unicorn @i-identify-as-a-mango @fearfilledvirgil@lunariadyva-multifandom-blog @blitzgamev @the-life-ofa-troubled-ace

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[elizas-writing]

How I Would Fix The Last Jedi

So it’s been a while since The Last Jedi premiered and with the initial hype and anger settling down, more people are looking at it through a proper critical lens. The more posts I see critiquing The Last Jedi, the more I’m starting to realize it’s got a lot more problems than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I still like it and found certain elements the best of the franchise, but perhaps I focused a little too much on being positive just to drown out all the anger (which to be fair, most of it was unwarranted to begin with). And thankfully now that most of the more pissy fanboys quieted down, I can post this in peace.

This film’s biggest problem was the lack of a good editor to keep the pacing consistent and allot the right amount of character development for everyone. So I’ll be addressing some of the major concerns with The Last Jedi and analyzing where and how problems could be fixed.

1. Leia’s Fate

Given Carrie Fisher’s death, some fans were anticipating Leia would possibly be killed off during The Last Jedi. But since she’s still alive at the very end, now they’re going to have to find a way to do that off screen unless they have enough spare footage from The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi to fill the gaps. To be totally fair with how much they filmed with Carrie, this was probably the best they could do without reshooting most of the film and pushing back the release date. Plus, this is the last time we’ll get to see her--- let me have Super Leia in Space. I think the only way they could work around this would be to record lines mentioning her depleting health given how long she was in space, even with using the Force to save herself. It’d at least give some foreshadowing that maybe she won’t make it to see the Rebellion win and drive our main heroes to follow in her footsteps.

2. No Memorial for Han Solo?

Yes, more than two years passed and the shock of Han Solo’s death faded for the fans, but for the characters, only mere hours passed. Leia lost her husband, Chewie lost a best friend, Rey lost a father figure, and Luke lost a brother-in-law. They should still be torn up about this, especially Luke given all his guilt on failing his nephew. It’s really hard to believe that there wasn’t even so much as a memorial for one of the greatest heroes of the Rebellion. Imagine how much more gut-wrenching the opening would be if they were caught off guard while mourning Han.

 I want more of Rey depressed and angry that the one father figure she’s known was offed by his own son without mercy. I want more of Luke’s guilt eating him which increases his reluctance towards training cause he doesn’t know if this will happen again and who else he’ll lose. Han’s death should still have a massive impact on the story and where the Resistance will go without a legendary fighter with such a special spark you won’t find anywhere else in the galaxy.

3. Admiral Holdo’s Reckless Shit

It’s really hard to gauge if I actually like Admiral Holdo because the film is back-and-forth between pulling the rug from under us with the character drama and forgetting the high stakes of their present situations. I get that Poe is hot-headed and needs to learn patience, but c’mon, you’re losing precious ships and lives the longer you stall and don’t just tell this trigger-happy nut what’s going on. She has no reason to be so secretive, and it’s just plain irresponsible given the small size of the Resistance. There’s no effort on her end as a leader to work together with some people, and unfairly talks down to them like children. And I know Leia does this too with Poe when she demoted him, but they have a quasi-mother/son dynamic where it works because they were working together longer than Poe has with Holdo. They might as well be strangers for almost two hours.

I definitely don’t hate Holdo as much as the rest of the fandom does, but we need more of her side with nuance on the divide and finding balance between fighting and self-preservation, especially as she leads in place of Leia and the two were close friends for decades. But you don’t get that connection and how much the Resistance means to her mere minutes before she dies. She comes off way too heartless than necessary for this side-plot. And it sucks because it’s a fascinating struggle between action and self-preservation in regards to rebellion and knowing when to do what to make actual progress, but it’s buried too deep in the subtext underneath the needless bickering between Holdo and Poe. Just show what she’s up to from the get-go, validate her reasoning, and allow her to be a likable character so her major sacrifice actually feels earned and not a last minute sympathy grab for Poe to learn a lesson.

4. What was Benicio del Toro’s Character Again?

Oh yeah, DJ.... I legit had to Google to remember the character’s two-letter name. And if that’s not enough to say he has no purpose in this movie, I don’t know what is. I get that he’s supposed to parallel Lando Calrissian when he tricks Han Solo back in Empire Strikes Back. But while Lando still had screentime afterwards to double-cross the Empire and join the Rebellion anyway, DJ just freaking disappears, and it’s never addressed what happens to him after turning in Finn and Rose. Honestly, if you wrote him out of the movie, it wouldn’t make much of a difference. And it sucks, because this side plot had great themes going on with war profiteering and the apathy towards both the Resistance and the First Order so long as one has something to gain from their deals.

If you’re going to parallel Lando’s arc from Empire, don’t cut it short when it’s getting good and have DJ consider the consequences of his actions, regardless if he joins the Resistance or not. Set up some foreshadowing for the next movie where DJ is completely working for the First Order or the Resistance and realizes how much picking a side does matter with rising authoritarianism. It has great potential for whether or not he’s redeemed with how long his apathy will take hold so long as he makes a quick buck.

Or better yet, just entirely replace DJ with an older Lando who lost his sense of hope with the rise of the First Order and hides away on Canto Bight waiting for age to catch up to him, living in blissful ignorance while the rest of the galaxy crumbles. He’s the decoder Finn and Rose were looking for all along and this was Maz’s way to coerce Lando back into the Rebellion. Much like Luke, Lando is reluctant to fight and see any hope, but upon hearing of Han’s death and Leia’s condition, regret eats him for all the years he spent away from his closest friends and just wasting his life on gambling and drinking. He finally agrees to help Finn and Rose, but they only get so far before getting caught by the First Order, just barely escaping with their lives and reuniting with the rest of the Resistance for the film’s climax.

5. Finn Overcoming Stormtrooper Past

I think this deleted scene speaks for itself on all the missed opportunity in developing Finn. That’s not to say he’s totally devoid of screentime as it’s still fun to see him with Rose exploring Canto Bight and getting caught up in their own misadventures. But many were hoping this would be the perfect time to explore his traumatic past and how Stormtroopers work in this world. Maybe he’d try to go back, save them from the brainwashing and help them realize they’re just senselessly murdering innocent people for nothing.

Holdo even has a line where she refers to Finn as a Stormtrooper almost in disgust, so you’d think there would be more time to show his change over to the Resistance and proving himself not just as a powerful ally, but someone who is more than their past. Someone who can finally break the cycle of children being taken away from their families to become disposable soldiers. But his battle with Phasma comes and goes so quickly and doesn’t leave as big of an impact as it should, and much like Force Awakens it feels like they’re playing great cards far too early. This deleted scene works so much better when you see the gears turning in the Stormtroopers when they realize their leader is just a massive coward, and it ends perfectly with Finn proudly calling himself “rebel scum.” It’s still beyond me why this scene was scrapped. They either needed to keep this  in or have Phasma survive and make a grand final battle for Episode IX.

I want that spark of rebellion to ignite in the Stormtroopers where they realize “wait, what the hell are we even fighting for?” and dismantle the First Order from the inside out by Episode IX. It’d make a great parallel to the prequels and Order 66 but completely recontextualized in a story of rebellion and redemption. Throw in some of the Resistance saving children from growing up into soldiers, tragically epic scenes of sacrifice, and boom, there’s a climax of Episode IX practically writing itself.

6. Shut up Ben Solo-Organa

Now, I like Kylo Ren as a villain-- he’s similar to Anakin Skywalker’s whininess in the prequels except made legitimately terrifying with the fragile toxic masculinity of wanting to be stronger and powerful by any means necessary. However, I can’t do the woobifying, both from large sects of the fandom and Rian Johnson. I would be a lot more forgiving of his character development in The Last Jedi if Johnson made Kylo Ren’s intents more clear without implying any romance between him and Rey-- fucking really (and sorry, not sorry, the only thing I ship Kylo with is a swift kick in the ass).

I get that we need temptations of the dark side as part of the classic Star Wars story, and I love the twist on it where Kylo turning to the dark side was ultimately his choice and not because Luke failed him-- especially as killing Snoke didn’t flip him back to the light like when Vader killed the Emperor. But the heart of that particular recontextualization should be on the student-teacher relationship between Rey and Luke and not Kylo Ren sniveling like an infant. It walks a thin line of making Kylo Ren almost too sympathetic and forgetting how he ended up with the First Order to begin with. I don’t care how many puppy dog faces he makes; as shown by the end of the film, he’s not ready for redemption, if it will ever be in his grasp. His excess screentime of what we already know undermines Rey and Luke’s relationship which should be the focus of the former’s arc in The Last Jedi. But unfortunately, it isn’t as strong as it was with Luke and Yoda or Obi-wan and Anakin because the film has to juggle with a dozen other plotlines and characters.

Hopefully with J.J Abrams back in the directing chair, maybe he can steer the focus back on the films and what the fans really want. Granted, I don’t think The Last Jedi deserved nearly the level of vitriol it got within the last year, but even I couldn’t ignore some of the major problems and missed opportunities to get its themes across.

If you enjoyed this fix-it and what I do here, consider buying me a ko-fi to show your support!

[darkdevasofdestruction]

May I have a song fic with Jacob please? :3 🌸

I searched for Funny Love Songs,and when I read the lyrics,I died.When I listened to the song,I died again.This is SO Jacob,I can’t even.

Jacob and Kim have been friends for a LONG time,ever since she came from America,to join the British Brotherhood and met the Twins.It was like a special click happened when they first saw each other,and a forest fire was ignited when they first talked.

Well,to be fair,it was just them trying to tease and make fun of each other senselessly,but they both knew it was more than a friendly jab.

It was actually their way of showing affection…in non-conventional ways.

Jacob finally got the guts to ask her out (after much persuasion from his twin and her lover),and today just happened to be their very 1st year anniversary together.

Problem is,Kim had no idea if Jacob remembered or not,since he was away from home since early this morning…which is very uncharacteristic of a person who wakes at high-noon.

She tried to find Evie or Greenie,but they too were away.She thought they were out on a mission,so she called called her friend,Kitsune,to hang out.Thankfully,Malik was quite busy with work and she finished hers (or better said,sneaked hers in Malik’s),so she quickly dressed and went to see Kim.

They went to the mall,gossiped,drank some Starbucks,grabbed some sandwiches,then went to the Japanese Garden to relax and discuss about the brunette’s problem.

Kim:I don’t know,Kitsu,I don’t think he’d be the type to forget but…Maybe he was busy?Kitsu:*nods*Or maybe they’re on a mission,in a high-risk place with no signal?Kim:Urgh,I’m just the unluckiest person ever…Kitsu:*chuckles*Nah,don’t be a drama Queen,Kimi~!You got your dream guy,at least!Kim:Well…You’re not wrong.Kitsu:Cheer up,kiddo,it could be worse.He could be always busy with work *winks*.Kim:Oh,please,it’s your fault he’s always busy.Kitsu:He likes being busy!Otherwise he wouldn’t take the extra work!Kim:Extra work that you give him.Kitsu:Shhhh!He doesn’t have to know that!Kim:*giggles*I’m more than sure he’s always known.Kitsu:*gasps*Kimi,look there!Isn’t that J.J?Kim:*blinks*Evie and Greenie are with him too!Kitsu:*smirks*Just in time.Kim:Wha-?

As he got in front of his girlfriend,the male Frye cleared his throat,and Evie put an instrumental song on the background,while Kitsune took out her phone to film everything.

Greenie:Steel String GuitarEvie:ChimesJacob:Synthetic PercussionKim:What the-?!What’s going on?I’m so confused right now-Jacob:Baby Girl, I wanna show you how much I really love youHow much I really love youBaby Girl, That’s what I call you to show you that my love for you is trueBaby Girl, my love is so great that I wrote you this songAnd to show you how much I really care it sounds like every other oneHe winked at his girlfriend,twirled around,put a rose in his mouth,and bowed at her,taking off his top hat,charmingly.She took the flower from his teeth slowly,still not grasping the weird show that was unfolding before her very eyes,but one thing was certain-Boy,was he a great singer!Jacob:The beat kicks in and then I sing a bit more rythmicallyTo make it sensual I sing it in a minor keyI move my hands like I’m pushing someone in front of me Kitsune:*whispers*Get out of my wayJacob:Now that’s the first verse and now I’m gonna take it to the bridge

He took her hand and started walzing with her,almost clumsily,but with the same gentleman charm he’s always had,and that smug face,while poor Kim was redder than Spain’s tomatoes.Jacob:*shakes head*I say something ‘bout how I dont wanna break up*winks*Then I turn around and rhyme it with make upI tell you that we should be togetherHow Long?Greenie:Forever!Jacob:That’s Long-Evie:and EverJacob:So Long!He twirled her once more,before he dipped her dangerously low,looking at her seductively,before kissing her nose and getting her back to her feet.Jacob:Girl you’re always in my heart Evie+Greenie:In my HeartJacob:And I never wanna be apart E+G:Never be apartJacob:Honey you’ll always be mine E+G:Baby be MineJacob:Baby girl it’s chorus time!

He took off his hat and put it on her head,kissed her forehead,then let her go,as he gesticulated more,trying not to laugh at the silly song he wrote all by himself.Jacob:This is how you write a love song*shrugs*Yeah this is how you write a cliche love songThis is how you write a love song*smiles awkwardly*Yeah a shitty 90’s R n’ B love song

Kim was still in shock,never expecting Jacob to do something so eccentric and sweet for their very first anniversay,and as tears started welling up,he pouted,went to her,wiped them with his thumb,and kissed her cheeks.Jacob:*softly*This is my backup and he sings quite breathilly Greenie:BreathillyJacob:He takes the words I sing and sings them after me Greenie:Sings em after meJacob:He emphasises words and sings emphaticallyGreenie:I sing emphaticallyJacob:*yells*I SAID EMPHATICALLY!Greenie:*Oh right,sorry!Jacob:*chuckles*Now listen to us singing acapella harmony

At this scene,she couldn’t stop laughing at their silliness,and frankly,both Evie and Kitsune were having the time of their life as well.Kim’s heart was overflowing with joy and love.

Jacob:Now we’re back at the bridge*looks away*I haven’t written anything for this…*shrugs*So. I’m. gonna. stretch. out. the wordsRepeating everything i sayKitsune:Til I get, Til I getGreenie:Til I get, Til I getEvie:Til I get, Til I getJacob:Yeah Til I get back to the chorus!

Kim burried her face in her hands,trying to stop herself from laughing so much,but she just couldn’t stop herself!Her friends were hilarious,and the love of her life was being a silly,adorable dork.

Jacob:This is how you write a love songYeah a shitty, shitty, shitty, shitty love songAnd to show you I care I throw my hands in the airAnd cut the music while I sing a long nooooooooteAt this point,Kim and Kitsu were singing the chorus softly,enjoying the performance.

Jacob:Hey girl I’ve been standing at the back not doing much for this songBut that’s because my talents are quite limitedBut that don’t mean that I love you any lessIn fact it means the opposite *coughs*Im just showing off my voice*winks*It’s just that it’s so hard for me to find the wordsTo really express the way that I feel about you girlEspecially when I have to worry about fitting those words to musicAnd there’s some kind of rhyme structure involved Evie:Meaningless WhisperJacob:I know it’s lazy song writing but I dont careCos I sleep on a big pile of money at nightGirl You might think it’s weird girlThat there’s three guys singing-Evie:Jacob!Jacob:*laughs* About just one girl!But let me tell you something girl it’s not weird at allIn fact girl It’s an industry standardAnd it happens all the time Greenie:Happens all the timeJacob:Well girl I better wrap this up about now cos I’m about to get cut off by…Evie:Damn you,Jacob Frye!

Evie started chasing Jacob around,as he kept laughing and singing the last bridge of the song,and as she managed to slap the back of his head and return to Greenie,Jacob,too,went in front of Kim,holding of of her hands in his and looking at her,lovingly and still chuckling softly.Jacob:Baby I wrote you a love songIt wasn’t hard and it really didn’t take longA totally generic love songYeah really this could be about anyone, but it’s for youYeah this is your love song, Non-Specific girlTo let you know we take it seriouslyThen watch as we change the keyWhen you change the key in a love songIt means you’re singing passionatelyBut we still haven’t reached the endNow we’re gonna go and change the key againLook at me I’m singing a love songYeah anyone can sing a shitty love songOur love is so uniqueThat I copied every other shitty love songAt this point,he hugged her kissed her gently,taking her by surprise,and as he let go for a second,to gaze at her awestruck face,he whispered “I love you,Kimiko”,and kissed her again,earning giggles and “Awws” from the other 3,who decided to let them have their moment together.

Kim:That was…really…Jacob:*winks*Unpredictable?Kim:*nods*Hella.Jacob:I’m The Unstoppable Jacob Frye,what were you expecting~?Kim:I just…Never really…You were gone the whole day and…Jacob:Masterpieces take a while to happen,love.Kim:It was amazing.Jacob:You can put it as your phone ringtone.Kim:Oh yeah,Kitsu recorded everything.Jacob:Just as I told her so~.Kim:H-How?!Jacob:Oh please,if the Fryes aren’t there,you’d obviously go to your friend.Come on,Kimi,don’t be predictable~.Kim:You smug bastard…Jacob:But you loooove me!Kim:*giggles*I really do love you,Jacob.Jacob:*winks*Oh,but I know.

With that,he picked her up bridal style and they went home,enjoying a nice movie,cuddling together and eating snacks,happily and in love.

[inmed]

How to remove a toenail and other gross stuff

The trick is to go in from one the edge of the toenail, pushing the flat forceps all the way in. And then, with a nice firm grip, roll the forceps, and remove the nail. It’s like opening a can of anchovies.

Before this, I had only seen toenail extraction as part of torture depicted in movies. But I’m glad I learned to do it as part of the surgery department here at RSUP dr Soeradji Tirtonegoro Hospital. It’s actually easier than it sounds. I thought it’d be a huge bloody mess with fragments of nail stuck to meat everywhere, but it wasn’t.

I’ve seen loads of other shocking stuff here. In my last blog entry, I wrote about maggots in the leg of a live person. I thought that was the grossest thing I’d see. But unfortunately I was proven wrong several times after that. A few minutes after the toenail extraction, I was asked by the consultant specialist (my teacher) to drain abscess. It was pretty easy also, but not less gross. I held my breath as I pushed the scalpel into the inguinal lump. I made the incision just wide enough to slide my forceps in. Then, I opened the forceps and stretched open the incision. The yellow soup within poured out. I used some dressing held in forceps to dig into the opening to give it a nice scrub. And then shoved in some more dressing smeared with antibacterial cream to be left in for a couple of days. Done.

I mentioned my last blog entry about the maggots. I have an update about that, by the way. So, a couple of days after that, I met the friendly plastic surgeon again. He looked grim. He asked me, “do you remember that patient with the infected ulcer?” I knew what he was talking about, but since we get many diabetic ulcer patients every day and because I didn’t want to seem like that one patient was a particularly big deal to me (it was), I feigned with, “Which...?” And the doctor continued with, “the one with the larvae”. I immediately replied, “ohhh! yeah yeah yeah, doc, I remember.” He continued, looking bitter, “she died yesterday”. I was a bit surprised. I was expecting something like, “she needs an amputation” or maybe some questions he wanted to ask me about it. “Why did she die?” I asked, realizing I should’ve asked, “How” instead, to not sound so shocked. The doctor explained, “her family say she had trouble breathing so they brought her into the ER. By the time she reached the hospital, she was dead”. I nodded. I could see in the doctor’s eyes that he suspected malice, or at least criminal negligence, but I thought it best to leave it at that.

This week has been a bit easy. I’ve been in the Urology department. The first two departments were most heavy: General Surgery and Orthopedics. They get a lot of patients so the follow-up is insane. I remember I was spending 3 to 5 hours a day just doing follow-ups. At the end of the day, tired from presentations, the operating room, policlinic, and the heat, I’d visit the sauna-like ward to start my follow-up. Checking the time, I’d see that it’s already 6pm. “Should I do follow-up after dinner or before it?”, I’d think. If I eat first, that means I’ll get hungry later at night. If I decide to eat later, most places will be closed because my follow-up takes so long. I put aside these thoughts and start my follow-up. It involves opening every single medical record for all the patients on that floor. The worst part that takes up the most amount of time is deciphering the hieroglyphics and chicken scratches that are scribbled senselessly by the doctors. If you don’t already know what is written, it’s very hard to read it. If you’re already expecting this patient to have a certain disease and already know the common medications given to patients of said disease, then it’s not so bad. So if you’re expecting “Ceftriaxone” and you read something like, “Cjlasxona” then you can just assume “Ceftriaxone”. But if you’re a medical student like me who doesn’t have the experience yet, when you see “C#!zsasdcz” you have no idea if it is “Cetirizine”, “Cefixime”, “Ceftriaxone”, or something else altogether! Computers use up a massive amount of processing power to try to recognize and understand handwriting. I can see why because in that hot sauna of a ward, after a long day, I can feel my hypoglycemic brain overheating as I try to make out the handwriting. Then, against the law, we fill in the medical record (we call this “templating”) so that the next morning, the residents just sign next to it to save their time. It takes forever, specially because for many of the patients, I have to physically go and talk to them and even inspect them. Then, exhausted, I’d remember there are three more floors. Finally, the suffering would end. I look at my phone’s clock: 10:35 pm. All the (already very limited) places to eat are all closed. I drag my tired legs to the student’s residence (climbing three flights of stairs to my room). I look around for snacks and there’s nothing. I make a mental note to buy something next opportunity I get the next day. I should shower but the thought of the trickling ice-cold water and the dirty bathrooms convinces me to just fall onto the rock-hard plastic-encased mattress and just fall asleep. I set my alarms for 4:30 am, 4:35 am, 4:40 am, and 4:50 am. The next morning, I wake up at 5 am, rush to shower - hating myself for not showering the night before because the water has had all night to get even colder. Then, I rush to the ward again and get ready to walk around to all the wards to check each patient with the residents. And when they’re done, the consultant surgeon will arrive and we’d see all the patients again, but this time, we’d all get quizzed and made to feel really stupid: “did you even bother to check this patient?”, “you can’t even read the X-ray properly?”, “so, you have no idea what ____ is?”  “you should have learned this years ago in campus”, “study this again, you don’t know it”. 

It is Saturday today. On Monday, I enter my last week of surgery here: Digestive department. I expect it to be easier except that there’s an exam encompassing the whole six weeks. Then, when this week finishes, I get to continue for another couple of weeks in the home/central hospital (Sardjito) back in Yogyakarta. After Surgery, I have Internal Medicine and then Pediatrics, some of the heaviest departments. After these two big boys, I finish my clinical rotations with Radiology. And then, I’m supposed to begin studying for the Indonesian medical licensing exams.

What will I do after all that? Let’s leave that for another blog entry.

(a photo of me waiting for some `sate kambing` dinner from a roadside vendor)

[mandala-lore]

more Wonder Woman thoughts/spoilers

Wonder Woman was exactly what I needed her to be and I’m so, so glad. 

Diana was STRONG. She was fierce, even by Amazon standards. She’s wild and independent and loves a good fight. She grew up the only child surrounded by legendary figures and she was built by honor, compassion, bravery, and resilience. 

She was beautiful and powerful and regal. She was kind and in total AWE of the world, of mankind. “Oh, a baby!!” Because Diana has never seen the miracle of new life - she’s only read about it. That was the other thing?? She read!! She studied. Diana was curious and in love with creation. 

Whenever someone told her she couldn’t do something, her mother, the enemy, Steve, she rolled her eyes and fucking Did. The. Thing. 

“Goodbye, brother” not “Go to hell, Ares” - because it only takes a moment in the heat of battle for Diana to realize she is about to destroy the last of her kind and the only one who could have shown her new things - but it must be done. And she must do it. So she does it. 

She was the living, breathing embodiment of “Don’t kill if you can wound, don’t wound if you can subdue, don’t subdue if you can pacify, and don’t raise your hand at all until you have first extended it.” I mean. It was all there in perfect balance. The beauty, bravery, brains, brawn, the Hope and love that make her the Greatest Superhero Ever. 

-

But I was also super impressed with Chris Pine as Steve Trevor - because the star trek movies are terrible and I’ve never bothered to see many of his other movies. His talent surprised me..

Like, Steve’s RAGE and utter disappointment with the filth of the world and his slightly shell-shocked face, even cleaned up and safe in London, and his almost automatic urge to keep fighting even with the worst odds, the way he responds to a magical world beyond modern understanding with “well, that’s neat” (because, frankly, there are more important things he needs to be doing), the way he’s willing to take Diana to the worst of the war if there’s even a chance they can save lives, with no second thoughts about the risk or their personal feelings, his “I don’t know what it’s like” response when questioned about marriage and peace and parenthood

the way he looks at her like she’s a Goddess (because she is), the most beautiful and powerful person in the world (because she is), and also like the greatest.... pain... of his life (because she is)

She doesn’t understand the depth of suffering until she sees it with her own eyes. Her paradise did not prepare her for it. She learns quickly - but Steve is beyond shock or disgust. He’s lived the suffering. He’s made his career out of ruins. 

There were moments when he was explaining how the real world works to her where you could see the crushing pain it caused him to disappoint her (this is how things really are, princess) because she, like the people they’re fighting for, is innocent - but there was also anger in his eyes. 

He’s angry with her for escaping the carnage for so long when the rest of the world has been senselessly bleeding - but he’s more angry with himself for dropping the war right into her lap. He’s angry with her for maintaining Hope and the moral high ground when he gave his up long ago - for good reasons, but still. He’s angry with her for believing they can just storm into No Man’s Land or slay a single god to stop the Great War, like wading through water, slow steps but sure, - and angry and confused and uplifted and inspired when she actually Does Everything She Promised. 

He’s angry because where the hell have the Amazons been while innocent men, women, and children were slaughtered, burned, poisoned, enslaved. How many battles have been raging, how many innocents dead and traumatized, how many villages burned, raided, how many more lives could Diana have been saving.  

Where was Diana? Where was this goddess? Where were the gods? Where was his god? Why wasn’t he better? Why wasn’t he strong enough, smart enough? What happened to the world? How did they sink so low?

And when she’s ready to give up, pack up, and go home, he’s not exactly angry or surprised. He’s disappointed, but ready for it. No gods have come to their aid thus far. They’ve dug these trenches, piled these bodies high, all on their own. Mankind has ruined the world - but perhaps mankind can save it. They made it this far without Amazons or superheros or gods. He gets to work. 

He was complicated but ultimately, Good - and as fierce and hopeful and independent as Wonder Woman. Now THAT’S a person Diana of Themyscira would fall in love with. And when he said, You’ll save the world, he was holding her accountable, giving her the greatest challenge she could face, and expressing his love and gratitude, all in one breath. 

[everyday-effing-therapy]

11/07/19

Hello,

Oh my dears, today I have a lot of things to say.

First and foremost though, I’d like to properly apologise for not writing yesterday. It’s not that I forgot, really, but I literally did nothing apart from sleeping before I left for that infamous sleepover.

Therefore, I didn’t think that I had anything interesting to write about and I decided not to do it.

Yesterday passed surprisingly quickly. It’s usually the other way round, you know, when you’re waiting for something it takes so, so long until it finally comes. 

I read some fanfiction, watched YouTube, packed, talked to people and I was ready to leave.

SIlver’s dad (for reference who the hell are Silver, Gold and Black go to post 08/07/19.) came to get me. Silver was in the car too and apart from that, his friend who was staying with him. I introduced myself and we went on. 

The cool part was that we were literally driving for almost 2 hours as we had countless stops to do different things. I got to know Silver’s friend a lil bit better, so that’s cool. What I didn’t know about was that we were also getting Black. That was fun, being squeezed between him and his friend. 

When we finally arrived, it was actually quite cool. We ate, talked, danced a little (I finally got my promised dance with Silver) and it was decent. Later on we played a board game that actually woke us up a bit, but later, everything started to go really slowly.

Now, yesterday I wanted to invite Black for prom. I didn’t have many options and since I was literally obssessed with Black the last couple of days, I thought that this could be a decent idea. That task got to be so much harder than I originally expected and I found myself being actually quite scared of doing that. I didn’t want to be like Hinata though (a poor girl who was always so scared to talk to her crush and literally fainted when he did anything next to her). 

I always liked Sakura better. 

So, I decided to ask him. It’s just that he wasn’t in the best mood and I didn’t know how to approach him. He was the only person who didn’t stay over for the night, so I finally decided to do it when he would be leaving.

At 3 am, when he was saying goodbye, I actually managed to ask him. The thing was, I had already removed my bomb-ass makeup and I literally wore a huge, plushy onesie which looks like a bear.

And I asked him.

He basically looked at me, then looked at the floor and said something like “I hadn’t though about it yet, don’t want to do this now”. Then, he left.

His friend looked with me with literal shock (for privacy purposes, let’s call him Opal). I tried to act as if I didn’t care, but I literally locked myslef in the bathroom and started crying. Not just because he rejected me, but because I literally looked my worst and on that day I looked so good, but I obviously had to pick the worst moment. 

So, after I calmed myself down, I joined the girls. They talked to me and reassured me that I did nothing wrong and in fact, if anything, I did the right thing because now I would know. 

Opal looked at us, said nothing, at then when we quieted down and I started sobbing again he said something along those lines “C, it’s not your fault, this situation is much more complicated, but I can’t tell you just yet”.

Anyways, after that I calmed myself down. When the time for sleeping came it turned out that there is problem with beds and I managed to lie next to my friend - V, and Silver. And he hugged me closer at 5 a.m and I almost cried because I just wanted it so much. 

Now, my dears, the problem with me is that I was crushing on Silver for really fricking long. I like him and I believe that he is an amazing person, but has tragic problem with girls. I was jealous when he flirted with different ones, but I tried to give up and let go, because I didn’t think that he would have eyes for me.

As it turns out, he has, but I’m afraid that it will not mean anything. 

He liked previous girls too and they liked him too. And nothing. 

I like Black, because he’s very lowkey. I imagined dates with him to be in his apartment maybe, watching a movie, ordering a pizza, laughing, cuddling. I imagined him to be loving, caring and definitely not a cheating type. As long as I know him, he has had eyes only for one girl at a time. I do look up to that a lot.

With Silver it’s like you’re never sure. As if he might love you senselessly, but he could have eyes for somebody else. He’s the most amazing person on the planet, until you realise that so many people think so and he is aware of the fact. That scares me a bit. Overly confident people tend to make me very uncomfortable.

Again, those are just my opinions and beliefs. They do not have to be the utmost truth, but I have them due to observations and spending time with said people. 

When I woke up today, my giggly friend came up to me and told me that I don’t have to worry about the prom. That it’s all much better than I imagined.

Long story short, it turns out both Black and Silver thought that it would be nice to go to prom with me. They were in the middle of discussing that, which I don’t know how long it was going on - whether those were hours or days, but somehow in the middle I asked Black out. He supposedly didn’t know what to do, so he tried to somehow avoid the situation.

Therefore, I have two possible candidates, two possible crushes and one possible shitstorm approaching. 

I don’t know what to think. It’s like I’m afraid of pursuing things with Silver, because there is 90% chance that even with him liking me, he’s going to break my heart, like he did with all those other girls. I’m so afraid of having my heart broken. 

With Black, I know that nothing will be happening for now. He’s after the breakup, he’s hurting, but I just enjoy his presence a lot. It’s a new thing and maybe it will pass, maybe it’s been too passionate, me being not able to sleep because I was overthinking, but maybe, just maybe he’s going to be my crush. 

I don’t want to act as if I don’t know anything. Today I was told to pick. I managed to solve the situation that way, so that actually, although I did pick, they still get to work that situation out. I don’t know whether they know whom I’ve chosen. I’m not going to write it here either. 

Everybody keeps some of their secrets.

So, I don’t know with whom I’m going to prom, but hopefully I’ll go with somebody. 

Maybe it’s good that I didn’t get to pick. Felt like being in a game, Episode maybe. Lord, have mercy on me.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I do hope that happiness is awaiting.

I came home at noon. My dad drove me to lunch and then I slept a lot. Woke up before dinner, went to the shopping mall with my mom and we bought the bluetooth headphones. The only problem is that the sound is somehow not doing as it should, so I think that tomorrow for instance we’ll go again to see whether we can get a new pair or whether it’s something that can be fixed. 

I don’t know what to think. I believe that the best thing to do right now is to jump under the blanket and get back to my comfort zone.

It turns out that going out one night for a meeting for only 9 people can be so tiring you don’t know what to do with it the next day. 

Hopefully, I’ll get over it somehow. 

I’m happy though. I love them all. Hopefully they won’t hold it against me.

Today’s light is going to Silver. It’s like, when I don’t see him, I forget about the butterflies in my stomach, but then, at 4 a.m, seeing his neck and face so close to me, being aware of his warmth makes me want, makes me love, makes me feel.

And I don’t know what to do about it. I do believe that things will work themselves out, especially with us going to the holidays by the seaside. I’ve always believed that sea solves everything. May we have the chance to understand everything more. 

I hope that you’ll be calm and happy, Silver. And I wish to all of you, my amazing readers, all the happiness.

With love, 

C