#these guys devoted their life to only one person for better or worse

[evilhasnever]

I do subscribe to the Lans Only Love Once theory, because it has been proven true again and again by lwj and wwx, lxc and jgy, qhj and lan furen, lan qiren and his 3000+ rules.

[blublublujk]

bound 2 (falling in love)

oneshot

word count: 6.5k

genre: fwb to lovers

pairing: yoongi x reader

summary:

You and Yoongi were okay with being friends with benefits... until you weren't.

warnings: i tried to focus on fluff (did you catch it or did i fail), explicit sexual content; unprotected sex (they make love to each other), choking and breath play (hello it's yoongi), multiple orgasms, slight overstimulation, crying (is it really my ff if there's no crying involved), creampie, very cute aftercare and i think that’s all, this is more sweet than anything lol

a.n: believe it or not this wasn't apart of my drafts i wrote this all one night because i couldn't sleep so thank my insomnia for this, it was about time i write about yoongi :D

also i noticed a lot of you are reading it was destiny and love always wins and i wish you guys wouldn't only because i plan to rewrite some of it and continue them at a further time (chaptered ffs are so hard for me rn since i don't have all the time in the world to dedicate myself to them but i promise to be back with those two series) thank you for everyone who takes time to read what i write it really means so much and your comments have been so motivating. thank you so fucking much for 2k notes on good girl, gone bad i havent seen numbers like that ever im so so grateful, thank you from the bottom of my heart. i'll try to be back one or two more times this month and happy late birthday to me hehe <3

—> m.list

—> welcome me on ao3 & twt

—-

It happened again.

Another failed date to add to the sad list of people that simply will never workout for you.

The list was growing longer as months passed. When you started this list, it was barely the start of a very hot summer. Probably the hottest it’s been in years, one can only assume the winter will not be any easier. 

And you were right. Winter was only beginning and it was brutally cold. The streets were moist from the previous night of harsh rainfall. 

What better time to date and settle down than now. When the world gives you rain, settle for the warm arms of a lover.

Unfortunately, you made a grave mistake thinking this would come easy. Ten first dates later and you are still very single and loverless. 

It is not easy to go out during a time like now, suffering at the sight of happy couples and their stupid happy lives. Really, it should disgust you. It used to. The whole concept of devoting your entire life to someone. The need to constantly feel the tender touch of another person. The desire to fall in love and do it all over again, you get it now. At least, you think you do. 

“I don’t think this is gonna work.” The words fall from your mouth in a quiet rush. The man across you sits in silence before he smiles in his loss. 

“Don’t worry, I figured. It seems your mind was elsewhere. I know you don’t want to pursue anything romantically, and that’s fine with me, but is everything okay?” 

Is everything okay? Well currently, yeah you’re okay. As for your heart, it’s heavy and strangely, you feel there’s a hole in your chest and it needs to be filled. That would fix things, you think. You have been single for so long that you forgot what it was like to love and cherish someone. Not that you have ever truly loved or cherished anyone, but you’ve gotten close. If a silly relationship you had in your sophomore year of high school counts. Then yes, you’ve totally been in love. 

“I’m okay. Thanks for asking. I didn’t mean to lead you on, if it ever felt like I did.” The apology seems bitter in your mouth. Another failed fucking attempt. How difficult can dating be? Have you really been this disconnected with the world around you? 

“Don’t stress it! Things happen. I hope you can find what you’re looking for. See you… around?” The man’s understanding response makes you feel worse. Maybe you should consider deleting Tinder and finding love naturally, if that’s still a thing in the contemporary life. 

“Yeah, totally!” And like that you’re off to the next. Giving yourself plenty of time to bathe in your disappointment and miserably cry about your failed attempts at finding what you’ve been missing. Who knew dating could be so difficult?

The walk back home is just as cold as the outcome of today’s date. Your date insisted he could drive you home and if not that then pay for a cab, but you didn’t live too far from the restaurant you both met at. Though he insisted, you figured this walk could refresh you after yet another failure. You were starting to regret it as the cold wind started roughly hitting your skin. Preserving the chilly weather, you genuinely couldn’t wait to get home and wrap yourself in a bundle of warm blankets and comfortable clothes. 

Cold hands struggle to open your door, you blow on them with warm puffs of breaths, soon making your way in and getting comfortable in your humble apartment. 

yoon: you up?

And that, that is what made this harder. The fact that you knew there was someone completely capable of loving and caring for you the way you desired. You have seen it with your own eyes. Every time you ended up in his bed, in his arms, you felt it. Deep down you know something is there and that something beats everything else. Maybe you’re just delusional, but you look for him in everyone else and you hate it. Hate because you will never be anything more than his personal little whore that comes at the sound of his call. 

me: yeah

Normally, you aren’t dry over texts, especially not with him so he’ll see right through you. You’re hoping for once, he can ignore it. 

He won't. 

yoon: you ok?

me: been better

yoon: wanna talk about it?

me: no, i'm ok

yoon: ok, wanna come over? 

Yes, because during a time like this all you want is the comfort and warmth of someone else’s touch and Yoongi has never failed at giving that to you. But he is not yours.

And you are not his. 

me: not feeling well. sorry.

yoon: sick? 

A white lie never hurt anyone. 

me: yeah, throat hurts

yoon: im sorry 

me: it's not your fault maybe another time.

Though you really shouldn’t say that. There should be no next time. That way you don’t suffer any longer and drag him down with you, considering everything you’ve been feeling and dealing with lately. It’s not fair to Yoongi, but especially yourself.

He doesn’t reply anymore and you can’t even hide your disappointment. You aren’t disappointed at him, okay maybe a little bit at him, but mainly yourself and your recently found complicated feelings. 

You and Yoongi started this whole mess a year ago, before you even realized what you truly wanted. It started off with subtle flirting here and there. They say not to mess with coworkers, given that it can complicate things at work and one should never play with their main source of income, but you did it anyway. You are still young and he only made you feel younger, like a teenage girl crushing over her forbidden crush at church. It was silly, but Yoongi made it easy. 

The flirting turned to one thing, then another. 

“We shouldn’t, not here.” Yoongi had you pinned outside the club you both worked at, leaving trails of wet kisses down your throat.

“Five more minutes.” His words were muffled into your skin as his hands explored your body. Yoongi’s touch was always way too soft for his own good and you fell victim to his deadly warmth. 

“If Mr. Kim finds out, he’ll kill us and fire us both.” That was a bit dramatic on your part and you swore you felt the taller smiling against your neck.

Yoongi drops one last kiss on your cheek as his hot breath hits your ear. “Not if I kill him first.”

You gasped, pushing him off you with a quick smack to his chest. “D-Don’t even joke like that.” 

Yoongi just laughed. 

“Okay, okay baby.” The term of endearment fell from his lips too easily and you melted into the dark night. “See you after work?” 

You only nodded, not being able to deny his temporary warmth and sweet presence. Then he dropped a kiss on your lips, leaving you just as quick as when he first found you. You were fucked.

From there, it only got worse for your sake. Your heart could only take so much. 

Really, you should blame things on him. It was his fault you fell in love with him and his stupidly soft hands. It was all his fault! He left you no choice but to love the feel of his lips against your skin, to easily melt under his soft gaze, and find comfort in his unnecessarily warm bed. Yoongi was perfect. Everything you could ever want. 

That’s why it was so fucking hard. Dating was hard enough, but after feeling Yoongi’s intimate touch, you were a complete goner. Though he was far from it, Yoongi touched you like you were his and he would fuck you like a lover would. Kissing and making love to you as if you were the most beautiful woman on Earth. It was all too much. 

Fuck, you really needed to get a grip.

The knock on your door makes you jump from your couch. 

Ten minutes longer and you would have fallen asleep exactly where you were lying. In outside clothes and all. You didn’t even bother taking off the outfit you had carefully planned thinking that this lucky outfit would have finally taken you somewhere. It didn’t. 

“Coming!” There’s not a single person that should be outside your door, especially at this hour. Your feet make their way to the door regardless and the blood from your face drains when you see the person standing behind the door. 

Quickly, you unlock your front door, rushing the taller inside. “Hurry! It’s freezing! What are you doing out here?” 

Yoongi’s cheeks are surely frozen, a pink dust decorates his cheeks and the tip of his nose. It almost makes him look cute. You were far more gone than you imagined. 

He hustles inside, carrying a fairly large brown bag with him. He brought… groceries? 

“Took you long enough.” The taller one makes himself at home, laying his bag on your coffee table. 

“What are you even doing here?” You ask again. 

He ignores you. “Thought you said you were sick. You don’t look very sick?” 

Yoongi looks at you with a questioning look, his eyes wander your outfit and guilt starts eating your insides. 

You cross your arms, an attempt to hide yourself in shame, but what’s done is done. “I- I had plans.” 

“Yeah, I see that.” He simply says, standing awkwardly in your living area. 

If this doesn’t convince you to delete that forsaken app for the sake of your dignity and shameful behavior, you don’t know what will.

“Anyways, w-what brings you here?” 

“Brought you some stuff.” His hand waves over to the bag he carried inside. 

“Stuff?” You question, a bit dumbfounded, planted still in your place.

“Tea, cough drops, some soup I made earlier this week. Oh and flowers.” Yoongi doesn’t seem at all embarrassed or fazed about the situation. Not that he should be, but he speaks with a puff to his chest, as if he wanted to ensure you understood his every word and action. Like any concerned lover would be. As if he was yours and you were his.

Oh.

This was so so bad. For you and your weak heart. Fuck.

“I-“ 

He cuts you off before you even get to speak. “I don’t know if you’ll like it. It’s just some plain seaweed soup. Usually helps me when I’m sick. I’m not sure what flowers you like, or if you even like flowers. Do you? Their tulips. I did a bit of research before. My mom likes tulips. I figured you might like them too.” 

He did research? Double fuck! 

Yoongi was nervously rambling, now he was slightly embarrassed. Pink flushes his cheeks and it wasn’t the weather’s doing this time. 

“Yoongi…” You start breathlessly and in disbelief. 

“What?” He nearly stutters, his hand is shaking. He’s nervous. Who would have thought? 

“Why.” Is all you manage to ask. 

“You were sick.” Is all he replies. As if things were really that simple. What next? Would he come rushing to the hospital if you suddenly fell ill? God forbid, but it was a valid question. 

What was going on? For a second, you entertain the idea. Maybe he fell in love between the blurry lines of this complicated relationship. Were the shared intimate memories too special for him to forget too? You weren’t sure anymore, but what did this all mean? Maybe he loves you, as much as you love him.

Thoughts keep spinning and you wish there was an easier way to turn off your brain. Not now.

“I know, but why? Why all this? Why for me?” Your vulnerability is showing and it makes you feel weak. Maybe your hands are shaking too. 

“I don't understand?” Yoongi searches for the answer in your glossy eyes, he’s tempted to reach out and comfort you. Have you in his hands, but he’s too coward. He doesn’t want you to feel the shiver of his touch right now. His vulnerability peaks through as well. 

Why not you? It’s always going to be you. 

“I-I’m nothing to you.” There’s a shiver again and then you break. 

Yoongi doesn’t care anymore. He’ll consider the consequences later. Right now, none of it matters.

His hands hold your face, ready to wipe the tears that threaten to leak from your precious eyes. He hopes his hands aren't cold anymore from standing outside for so damn long, but he couldn’t stop himself, in his selfishness and all.

His hands shake slightly, trying to stay strong as he lays it all on the table. “Y/N, you’re everything to me.” He whispers, eyes never leaving yours.

You lay your own hands on his, you feel so delicate around him when you wrap warm hands around his cold wrists.

“I-I am?” You ask between sniffles. His hands are still pretty cold, but they’ll soon warm up against your soft skin. Nobody knows how desperately you need to be touched until you are and then it’s like little fireworks spark inside your body. It consumes you in the best way possible.

“Of course. I thought I made that obvious.” His eyes are soft, different to how he typically looks at you, but you’ve seen these same eyes before. They are no stranger. It’s similar to the look he gives you when you catch him staring at you while you are deep in work. He pretends to look away as if he wasn’t admiring you from afar and you pretend that you don’t notice his curious eyes. It’s the same look he has after you both end up in heated makeout sessions, behind the rusty club you both work at. And it’s definitely the same look he has while he settles on top of you, whispering sweet words of praise and promise.

Nothing should feel different but it just does, there’s something in the way he looks down at you that lets you know that everything you’ve been searching for has always been right here. Right where you’ve been all along.

The taller leans in and you freeze struggling to keep your eyes on his. Yoongi’s thumb brushes against your cheek with a soft touch. You were fragile between his hands and he’s willing to do anything to keep his precious flower safe. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Yes. Please.” You whisper back in a hurry, scared that this would be nothing but a dream. It wasn’t time for you to wake up yet.

His eyes zero-in on your lips and then he’s kissing you. It’s not much different from other times. After all, you guys have shared plenty of kisses, probably more than you should have considering you guys were friends with benefits, at most. But this time, the kiss isn’t just a careless lust-filled doing, no this time the kiss is a promise. The promise to never again allow you to question his feelings and intentions towards you. 

If Yoongi has to spend his whole life making this up to you, he simply would because that’s how much you meant to him. He can’t believe he even let this go on for this long. He should have been more clear and careful, but he doesn’t regret a damn thing. Not when he has all the time in the world to repair the time lost. And especially not when his reckless actions led him to this. To you.

Yoongi’s lips are soft and bend with yours with ease. He takes his time, never in a rush. Especially not when he has you in-hand. 

The taller doesn’t escalate the kiss. He keeps it sweet and gentle, like he always has been. “I’m so sorry baby.” 

Kiss.

“For?” 

Kiss.

Yoongi has the whole world in his hands right now as he looks down into the sparkles in your eyes and he’s never been so sure about anything in his life. “For being a fucking idiot.”

Kiss. 

“It’s okay.” A kiss is shared again. “I was an idiot too. I was just scared that you wouldn’t want that with me.” 

“Want what?” The taller questions, fingers trailing your face, admiring the imperfections and all. 

“A relationship, I mean. You seemed content with how our relationship already was. I was afraid of losing that. Of losing you.” You admit, eyes fluttering at his touch. 

“Of course, I want that. I want that and more. I-I’m not the best with relationships. I’m only saying this because I want to be open and honest with you. There’s not a second you aren’t on my mind. While at work, you are all I can see. In a crowd of a hundred, my eyes always find yours. I don’t know how to explain what you do to me. But I don’t mind. I think if I ever lost that, I would lose my mind. So I’m sorry if I ever made you feel the opposite. There’s so much more I want to say, but I just don’t know how. I want that. I want that so bad. A relationship and whatever more you give me. I might not be the best boyfriend but I’ll do whatever it takes. I- I love you.” Yoongi’s words are heartfelt and he’s so relieved. One because he’s been keeping this in for so long, any longer and he would have exploded, but second because he’s been dying to say those three words. He really does love you and Yoongi doesn’t love many people in life, but if he had to choose, it’s always gonna be you. 

The tears that were creeping on your eye-lids fall prettily down your face, but Yoongi comes to your rescue. He’s quick to wipe them off your pretty face, tempted to kiss them away, but he keeps that in for now. “Y-Yoongi… I love you too. So much. I think I always have. You are so easy to love. The way you look at me, care for me, and always show up for me. That says more about you than anything else. I tried dating to get over what I felt for you, as you can probably tell, but nothing worked. It was so easy, Yoongi. So easy to fall in love with you. You’re perfect and I don’t doubt that you’ll be the best even after all this. I love you.”

“I love you too, I love you. Fuck, I love you.” Yoongi kisses you again and this time he isn’t as gentle. His lips are still soft as ever as they curl around yours. His tongue comes out and you immediately allow access, letting him explore your mouth. The taste is much better now that there isn’t anything you both are holding back. Everything down on the line and you couldn’t be happier. The hole in your heart was never empty, it was just waiting for this exact moment to remind you that you’ve always had it all. 

“Yoongi.” In between breaths you call his name and Yoongi feels his knees lock. “Take me to bed.” 

Yoongi just nods in a trance with the way your tone drips of arousal. A long strand of hair falls on his face when he picks you up with ease off your feet. He takes you to the place he’s had the honor to visit a hundred times before, but it’s different this time, much different. 

In the process of it all, something falls and it causes you both to laugh until you run out of breath. 

“I can’t believe that just happened.” You laugh into his ear. “You owe me a new lamp. My mother bought me that, you know. House-warming gift.”

“Fuck, sorry.” Yoongi mumbles near a whisper as he grips you harder like he’s afraid he might drop you next and the idea makes you giggle because you know he would never purposely hurt you. “I’ll apologize to your mother directly. Buy you and her a new lamp, whatever it takes.”

“What makes you think you are meeting my mother?” You tease with a smile on your face, watching the blush rise on his cheeks. 

“Well, I figured we could, you know, if you would like–” Yoongi doesn’t often get shy about many things but he can’t keep calm around you and that kills him softly.

“I’m just teasing you.” You say and he bites his lip. “Of course you’ll meet my mother and my father and my nosy ass family. I hope you like annoying, persistent grandma’s that stuff you full. My grandma’s the worst of her kind, but she’ll love you.”

“I would love to.” Yoongi simply replies, still whispering as if you guys had to keep quiet or else you’d be in deep trouble. 

“Why are we still whispering?” You whisper back, roaming fingers through his long, gorgeous hair. He needs to remind you to thank his mother personally for insisting he keep his hair long because it made him look pretty and you could never disagree. Yoongi’s so pretty. 

“I-I don’t know.” 

You both smile at each other before sharing another kiss. It’s so sweet and if you weren’t already off your feet, you would be floating by now. He’s gentle when letting you drop into the sheets below, he finds space between your legs and you wrap them around his hips. Lips still in contact, never losing the plushy feel. 

Everything starts to feel hot. Your hips start to slowly grind against his begging for any sort of friction. But the kissing doesn’t stop. 

Not when you start whining against his lips. 

Not even when Yoongi starts trailing his fingers down your waist and around your curves. He teases his fingertips against your waistline, soft to the touch. 

It’s not until you mewl loudly into his mouth, skillful tongue playing with yours, as you feel him start unbuckling your pants, button-by-button. 

Yoongi’s eyes are heavy-lidded, his gaze burning fire. “Gonna take care of you now, is that okay?” 

You furiously nod, coming up to kiss him once more, both your lips are raw and sensitive, but it gives you more of a reason to fix it with even more kisses. 

He drops one quick kiss onto your mouth before he trails down your jaw. Yoongi breathes in the sweet scent on your skin, wishing he could feel you even closer. “Smell so damn good.”

His voice is raspy against your ear and it makes you blush, while you feel his hand finally touch you where you had been aching with need. “Wanna hear you.”

Breathing lightly, you whisper. “Make me.” 

And of course, Yoongi makes you regret how fast you said the words because he delves his fingers forward with little resistance. Two fingers stretch you at the same time, gasping at the sudden sensation. 

By now, you were molded to fit Yoongi’s fingers. On days where you were really in need, you would take four, all at once. Yoongi was best at reading every expression, every crease and scrunch to your face, especially emotions. He knew exactly how to curve his fingers, the way to build you up, and bring you back down. Yoongi knew it all and he was so lucky too. 

He never anticipated it would have gone this far. It was just sex to begin with. But who were you both kidding, it was always much, much more. 

Yoongi curves his fingers in the way he’s used to and watches your mouth drop, sweet noises soon leaving your lips. “Feels good?” 

There’s no need to ask because he can tell. Your expression tells him everything he needs to know. That and the fact that you are dripping around his fingers but it’s sexier hearing it from you. 

“Yeah… f-feels so good.” With his other hand he tugs your clothes off, leaving you bare on the bottom. Remembering the first few times is a bit embarrassing, but Yoongi always made sure to take his time and make you feel comfortable. It was special and memorable in its own way, and Yoongi felt it too. 

This is unlike any first time, but it was technically the first time you could officially make love to each other until you fall lovesick and that had to be impossible around someone like Yoongi. 

“Hold your legs open for me, flower.” You try to ignore the warm feeling that buzzes in your chest, but you are sure your face says it all. Without another word, you spread your legs open, tucking both hands behind your thighs.

“Flower?” You breathe out with a bit of a struggle as his two fingers continue to pump deep inside you, brushing repeatedly against your g-spot. 

“Do you not like it?” Yoongi smiles slightly, biting his bottom lip while he watches you start to tremble, making the prettiest sounds. 

“I do. Why the new name?” Voice a bit unsteady but it does the job. Yoongi thinks of all the times he thought you were as pretty as a flower, which really was all the time. Especially, in the way he has you right now. Pretty, pretty as a flower. 

“I’ve always wanted to call you that. You’re pretty, sweet, delicate. Just like a flower.” He justifies his reasoning and you melt into puddles. 

“Yoongi.” Voice sweet as honey. 

“Yes baby.” He replies with ease.

“Make love to me, Yoongi.” 

There was a time in his life where Yoongi believed he could live without love. How foolish of him to think so. When he met you, it was a complete three-sixty. Suddenly, Yoongi started to look forward to his shit job. He looked forward to that time between breaks where he could admire you from the back like a pinning loser. Yoongi even started to like the walks he had to take to get to work because he knew that the path would eventually lead to you. He started looking forward to tomorrow's and to the bright future that led ahead. His mom would often complain that he was wasting his life away waiting for it to start, but Yoongi thinks life truly started the day he met you. 

It was a bit awkward because you couldn’t even look him in the eyes, intimated by the staff and new environment. You had previously worked in different bars so you assumed it would be no different and it wasn’t, but the intimidation of a new job was there nonetheless. Yoongi was there every step of the way. He had a crush on the new employee and you needed help on fitting in. Either way, your friendship was very platonic until it wasn’t. 

Yoongi knows he should have said something along the lines “hey, maybe we shouldn't be doing this anymore. I’m in love with you and I have been since you started working here” but the stupid words never made it out. He felt it would be too much to hear and it would only make him look like a complete loser. 

And you felt the same. It was silly really, because everyone around you knew it and there was no reason to fear someone as easy going and non-judgemental as Yoongi, nonetheless it brought you both here. After many failed dating attempts, you were finally happy and in the arms of someone who you truly love and want to be loved by. 

There was a time in his life where Yoongi believed he could live without love, now Yoongi believes your precious, sweet love brought him back to life and he wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. 

Clothes now discarded on the floor, heavy breathing filling the room, and Yoongi could get wasted on the smell of your intoxicating perfume. “Breathe flower.”

Yoongi felt you shiver at the sound of his words, throwing your head back as he thrusts you full of cock. He pushes inside you with gentle movements, struggling to keep himself up while feeling the tug of your warm velvet-like walls. 

You gasp feeling him hit your cervix in a calm, slow pace. It was breathtaking regardless of the gentle rhythm. “You’re so deep...”

“I know flower, breathe baby, breathe.” He is struggling to keep from coming inside you, overwhelmed by his own emotions as your eyes roll back, feeling the pressure rise in your belly. Without a condom, everything feels so different from other times, feeling every ridge and crease fold inside your drenching heat. You take him so nicely, like you always have. Like you’ve always belonged to him. 

You don’t even notice you stopped breathing until you start feeling lightheaded and desperate for fresh air. Breathing just as much as necessary so you don’t faint, you shake your head against his hold, his eyes watch yours, observing with curiosity. 

“No?”

“Mm, n-no.” You shake your head again, whimpering when you feel him kiss your cervix with his swollen tip, over and over and over. “Can– can you…”

“Can I what, pretty flower?” Yoongi rolls his hips a bit faster, feeling his orgasm build too quickly. He wishes he could have days with you like this always. Days to love and worship you from head to toe.

“Choke me.” You manage to say. “Don— don’t wanna breathe.” 

Yoongi growls deep, increasing his speed even more, desperate to fill the deepest part of your glistening folds. He feels you tense underneath, the sounds coming from your mouth are loud enough for your neighbors to hear, but Yoongi stopped giving a fuck about everything around him. 

He places a hand on your throat and squeezes gently, not blocking off your airways completely, but leaving you just enough air to work with. It drives you insane. The more you breathe, his rough thrusts take the air out from your lungs and the process repeats. It feels so good.  

“M-more. Harder.” You barely hear your own words, but Yoongi seems to understand because his dick is moving rapidly inside you, nearly splitting you in two. You wrap both hands around his wrist, loving the heavy weight against your chest. It’ll end too soon and it disappoints you in a way, but you have all the time in the world to make this up. “G-Gonna come.” 

Yoongi nods, concentrating on the way your face scrunches with pleasure. With love. The way your eyes tell him a story. God, Yoongi’s madly in love. “Come, my precious flower.” 

With those final words, you come on his bare slick cock, blossoming in the blissful afterglow. Yoongi doesn’t stop thrusting inside you, but he takes his hand off your throat, kissing your face gently when he sees tears start leaking down your cheeks. 

“It’s okay, you’re okay baby. Breathe for me. Slowly.” Yoongi’s words bring you back down and you throw your arms around him, crying against his shoulder. You don’t even know what invoked this strong emotion to sob your eyes out, but Yoongi allows it, caressing the back of your head. Yoongi doesn’t judge, he only holds you until you settle down. “It’s okay baby, let it out. Breathe, pretty flower.” 

“C-Come inside muh-me, please.” Even after all that, you still beg for him and Yoongi wants to laugh but for your sake and the fact that it’s endearing to him, he delivers accordingly without further questions. 

Right as he’s going to paint your walls white, he pushes himself up with one hand, still holding you with the other. “You sure?”

You’re confused about the sudden question, the tears still decorate your face but then you understand. “Birth control. Just come in me Yoongi, fuck me, fu-fuck.”

Yoongi doesn’t hesitate to regain his brutal pace, fucking you with purpose. Not that he doesn’t want kids in the near future, but he sure as hell doesn’t want any right now. He’s glad you are on the same page but maybe one day the conversation would spark and he wouldn’t want the mother of his kids to be anyone else but you. You were perfect for him. 

“Gonna come.” That’s the only warning you get, then he’s emptying himself inside your tight walls. He doesn’t stop rolling his hips, his slit leaking puddles, until he’s pumped himself dry. With one last thrust, he groans and carefully pulls out. 

He brings you with him, head falling against his chest as he continues to play with your hair, leaving kisses into your bare shoulders. “You okay baby?”

“Perfect. Feel so good.” You mumble into his skin, feeling around his waist. “I’m leaking your come into the sheets though.”

“I’ll take care of it, pretty flower.” You nod sleepily into his chest with a quiet ‘thank you’, feeling completely sated and satisfied, aching with exhaustion. “Sleep baby, I got you.”

With that, you fall deep into the shackles of sleep. Yoongi rubs your back until you completely fall asleep in his arms. He struggles to unwrap himself from your hold, but when he finally succeeds, he tucks you in and kisses your cheek a few times before getting up to clean up after the mess you both created. 

He’s light on his feet, bringing a warm towel to your slick folds and wipes as best he can, being gentle so you could continue to enjoy your sleep. Even like this, you look so beautiful and Yoongi is an extremely lucky man. 

Yoongi makes sure to also pick up the lamp he dropped from earlier as well. He blows out a breath of relief when he notices that the damage is nothing big and nothing that can’t be fixed. He’ll make sure to fix that as soon as he can. 

While he’s out there, Yoongi places the tulips into a vase and fills it with water, placing it near a window where it could grow and blossom beautifully near the sunlight. He even cuts the tips into slants because he had heard somewhere online they last longer that way, making sure to get rid of any dead leaves and petals. Yoongi couldn’t be happier.

After he’s done with the light cleaning, he washes his hands and feels the exhaustion hit him tenfold. He’s careful when placing himself back in bed, lifting your arm and placing himself underneath you. The man smiles when he feels you curl yourself around him, sleeping soundlessly. 

“I love you.” He whispers and even though you don’t say it back Yoongi feels it with the way you melt into his arms. Yoongi falls asleep easily that night. 

…

“Baby.” Yoongi hears someone call him and he ignores it. Sleep calls his name louder and he doesn’t feel like waking up right now so he groans and cuddles deeper into the bedsheets below him, unaware of the life around him. 

“Baby wake up.” You keep calling sweetly and it’s tempting but he persists.

“No. Don’t wanna.” Yoongi grumbles like an old man and you can’t help but to laugh. “Just ten more minutes.”

When you woke up the next morning, you were so thankful Yoongi had kept his promise. Your apartment was flawless and you were as clean as you could be. The tulips looked prettier today as the sun shined on the delicate petals. You even had time to warm the seaweed soup he brought from home and you couldn’t wait to get a taste. The smell alone is delicious and it warmed your home up nicely, you truly couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that this was no longer a dream but your reality. You could definitely get used to this. 

You drop kisses onto his warm cheeks until his eyes flutter open, almost similar to a cat. “There you are.”

Yoongi pulls you into his arms again with quiet noncoherent grumbles and closes his eyes once more. “Give me ten minutes.”

“It’s already been ten.” You whisper lightly laughing. 

“Oh. Ten more then.” You get comfortable on his chest and cuddle for a bit longer because you can’t say no to his cute sleepy self. 

Yoongi starts to sniff the air with curiosity. “Is that the seaweed soup I brought you?” 

“Mhm.” You hum. “Better get up soon before it burns.” 

That manages to be convincing enough and Yoongi forces himself up, with you in his embrace. 

“Wanna wake up like that forever.” He says, voice filled with sleep. 

“You can.” 

Yoongi snaps his heavy eyes towards you. “Are you–”

“Move in with me, Yoongi.” Yes, you skipped every step to this, but nothing was ever to code between you and Yoongi. One thing you were so sure of and that was spending the rest of your life with him. “Please.”

“I- yes, of course.” Yoongi wraps his arms around you for a tight hug, kissing your temple. “I love you. I love you and I’ll prove it to you every single day.” 

“I know, I love you too. I love you.” Those three words come out from your mouths so easily and it’s nice that you no longer have to ever hold back. The man of your dreams is in the palms of your humble home and he’s in love with you. This was better than any dream. 

“Let’s eat?” He says after some time of hugging and kisses being interchanged. 

You nod, letting him take you there. Your kitchen is filled with the cruel aroma of food and your tummy rumbles as you sit comfortably while you wait for him to serve you a bowl of the warm tasty soup. 

“I should be doing that. I’m a terrible host.” Yoongi shakes his head while smiling, the fluff of hair moving with him, then your phone dings. “Hold on, give me a second.” 

Your heart drops when you see it is a Tinder notification from a man you promised to get back to. You look over to find Yoongi serving your bowl, making his way to the table. He leans in puckering slightly and you immediately lean into the sweet sudden kiss while he places your meal in front of you. This Yoongi is new because it wasn’t often you could act domestically towards one another, however this was perfect and just what you needed. 

“Everything okay baby?” Yoongi asks while caressing your soft cheek and you immediately nod in his palm. 

“Yes, everything’s perfect.” You reply in awe. “Thank you Yoongi, for everything.”

For letting me love you and for loving me back. 

The older man just smiles and joins you for the meal. 

It turns out you didn’t need Tinder after all. 

You quickly delete the app off your phone and start to eat with the love of your life, conversation flows while you enjoy each other’s presence and fall deeper in love. 

Alike Yoongi, you couldn’t imagine it happening any other way. You were bound to fall in love, one way or another, but that man was meant to be yours as you were meant to be his.

[couldpolyamorysavethem]

ELIZABETH BURKE, PETER BURKE, and NEAL CAFFREY from WHITE COLLAR

Justification:

"okay listen this might already be in the queue but i sincerely believe the last three seasons of the show would've gone in a completely different direction if peter got that last little push away from his bullshit cop behaviour by neal pulling some grand romantic gesture for him + el. like, come on man, you've already come to peace with legality not being the same as morality after you ran all those cons and let neal cut and run, but he's so convinced the ONLY way to do good in the world is being an fbi agent that he like, actively makes things worse for neal (AND HIMSELF? AND ELIZABETH?) over and over again just so he can preserve the status quo of neal being his CI + while peter's an active field agent. would kissing about his devotion to their dynamic and neal's rehabilitation and peter's complicity in neal's dehumanisation by the state solve that? maybe not! but considering the alternative is neal fucking dying (he got better) about it i think we should give it a shot!

that previous paragraph was more or less me preaching to the choir wrt this relationship but still here's my pitch:

neal is essentially already the third in elizabeth + peter's marriage, with how much he lives in peter's brain during pre-series sequences, how INVESTED he is in their relationship (reminding peter of anniversaries), and then IN the actual series that only increases when he's coming around to their place all the time

each pair within this trio have supporting but distinct relationships w one another that they all benefit from (and they often need the support of all three dynamics to get through Issues™)

that one episode where peter ends up on the run w another fbi agent and neal gets paired up with that guy's CI, and there's just an unbelievable amount of parallels between the two pairs and their relationship, even after its established that those two are in a romantic relationship and peter and neal 'aren't'. like peter says he'd go to neal first if he was ever in trouble LIKEEE

fucking everything about the run up to the finale of season 2 where we hear over and over again that the only two ways conmen end up are with 'one last score' (which inevitably leads to the next, because they can't help themselves), or going to prison. OR, the 'true love' option, where an ex-conman is able to genuinely settle down and go straight (more or less). this 'secret third option' is literally even spelled out to us IN an episode about a trio of thieves (byron june and ford) who meant the world to each other!

neal uses the engagement ring he was GOING to give to his TEXTUAL 'true love' in order to pay for peter's ransom that one time and isn't even cut up about it??

also like the episode before that neal and peter switch identities (very well) and neal acts like elizabeth's wife, and the only issue peter (or anyone) has with it is that he's also committing the crime of impersonating a federal agent.

season three finale where peter asks why neal didn't run when he just got the score of his life and the first thing he says is 'you, elizabeth', before listing literally anything else. INCLUDING HIS CURRENT ROMANTIC INTEREST?

also the scene before that where neal immediately folds from his season long cat and mouse game with peter and hiding the treasure because elizabeth's in danger! and peter only believes he's not lying abt any of it bc it's elizabeth!

that one shot in the pilot where neal and elizabeth look up at peter and you can so clearly see he has a type.

literally everything about elizabeth + neal's interactions in s1. get you a girl who sneaks you into her house past dozens of fbi agents so you can talk to your handler personally about being framed for a crime that she has no reason to suspect you didn't do other than believe in your and her husband's relationship!

im losing track of my argument at this point. anyway can someone please knock peter upside the head with some kind of bi awakening for the love of god this homoerotic 'partners' situation has an unbelievably high body count not to mention all the violation of civil liberties and frankly you could've all moved to paris and started a detective agency YEARS ago and this show would become slice of life" - @time-is-restored

[lexsang]

Can I ask what your take is on Sebastiaan and Sabretooth? I don't really know anything about the established groups beyond House Kheperu.

Sorry for the wait. Life and work have both been busy, and I also wanted to do some more research so that this could be more than just my opinions. But here we are!

So first of all, my opinions of Father Sebastiaan are mixed. I don't like the way that he does things, I don't think they are inclusive or representative of the whole community, but I also recognize that, as one of the biggest names in the community, he has done a lot to make the community what it is today, for better or for worse.

Sometimes people ask where to start with learning psychic vampirism, and the answer almost universally is Michelle Belanger's Psychic Vampire Codex, but Father Sebastiaan also has a number of books that are helpful too. However, all books on vampirism are either based on the writer's personal experience with it, which varies greatly, or their group's dogma, which can be misleading. It can be easy to read any of these books and believe the author knows exactly what they are talking about, the history of vampirism, etc. They don't, they only have a part of the whole picture, and Father Sebastiaan's part is entirely exclusionary of the sanguinarian experience. Without fail, in every one of his books, there is a section devoted to how sanguinarian vampirism is basically a sin in his eyes. His opinion is always rooted in how he believes that it is a guarantee for disease and in his own words "blood drinking is the most highly dangerous activity you can do" (From the end of this short vice documentary called 'The Real Vampires of 'True Blood'?' [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XmdsiyjbT0]). I can understand how people coming from an psychic/magical vampirism perspective see blood vampirism as a lesser choice. They see the act of drinking blood as a roundabout way to take in the life energy that is in the blood, so they see taking that energy in through psychic feeding as a better way to do it. That's not a problem, but the way that Father Sebastiaan does it has been a large factor that has led to the schism in the community, the ridiculous, elitist ideas coming from people on both sides, that only one of these vampiric experiences is the 'true' vampiric experience. And if he actually knew anyone from the sanguinarian side of things, he would quickly see how careful we are. We know that blood can carry diseases, so we test, and we communicate with our donors, easy.

I also personally have a problem with how his house, the Sabretooth Clan, deals with membership. In his own words, from his own site, he says that "Sabretooths are individuals that share the common experience of having had fangs made for them by Father Sebastiaan, which is known as the Rite of Transformation". And this I think is where the big issue, as well as the misunderstanding is. With other psychic vampire groups, like House Kheperu, vampirism is still something that awakens within you. It isn't a choice. That is and has always been one of the things that has made me feel so close to others that share my experiences. It is great to feel the good that vampirism can bring, but the part that makes me feel deeply connected to other sanguinarian, hybrid, and psychic vampires is that we all suffer in a way that no one else does. I can relate to that suffering and I can help others through it. To me personally, a receipt from a purchase of fangs from a guy in a cowboy hat that always feels the need to mention that fangs, a symbol that is, to me, synonymous with the mouth watering hunger I feel for blood and all of the pain I have gone through to see my own vampirism as a blessing rather than insanity, are a great sex toy, being the thing that gets you into his club, is an insult (that sentence feels like a train wreck, but hopefully it makes sense). I could go on about this forever, but overall, the way that he not only looks down on blood drinkers himself, but forces others to do the same, is disgusting. We didn't all bleed so much to be seen as less than others.

And I am no psychologist, but I do feel like I know where this elitism might stem from. We all know that White Wolf, the tabletop RPG company that developed Vampire: The Masquerade, had a large impact on the beginning of the community. Many vampires met through VTM when it became popular, including Michelle Belanger. Fantastic, a fun IP that has a few things we can sort of relate to in it, which gives the opportunity for people like us to have a fighting chance at finding others who might be able to understand us. But with VTM came a fantasy of big underground vampire houses with hierarchies, territory, etc. and that fantasy mixed with reality for some, it still does. Check out this documentary, called "World of Darkness" which can be found for free on YouTube for a deeper look into VTM, it doesn't directly mention the real vampire community, but sections of it are connected to the way that our communities started [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZbwivA3uj8].

And this idea of the vampiric delusion of nobility isn't just an idea that comes from research. When I was living in Arizona, I started really looking for community, meet up groups, anything. I found one other vampire that was living fairly close, and we joined out efforts trying to find or create a meetup group for the Phoenix area. I looked a number of times for established groups in the Phoenix area, but the little I did find wasn't active anymore. After a decent bit of looking, we were contacted by a group in the area, and instead of a welcome, a hello, or any kind of greeting I had come to expect that people suddenly meeting other people they have things in common with would give, we were told to stop trying to create a meetup group because they were the local house and we were infringing on their territory. Lunatic behaviour. Maybe if we were a part of their court system, that would make sense, but we weren't. In no world is one group of adults under the law of another just because they said so. It was basically kindergarten playground rules. I yearn for a world where, when you visit a city, you can contact the court there and find some connections. If someone is available, maybe you can go out for lunch, or they can show you around. We are all the same, psychic, sanguinarian, or otherwise, right? We have something that ties us together.

In all honesty, I don't mind the pageantry, the hierarchies (in moderation and for sensible reasons), or some of the flowery language. What I do mind is the misuse of these things, and large houses seemingly doing nothing to support their communities other than throwing events. Events can be fun, but 'vampire balls' seem to have become the face of the community and all we do. There are no teaching resources, there are no networks of butchers that might be able to supply clean animal blood, there is no effort to further knowledge, especially not in the realm of sanguinarian vampirism (luckily we have The Red Cellar and the Black Books).

This is probably long enough as is, and I could clearly go on a while longer, so my biggest problem with Father Sebastiaan is that he is seemingly always present for the things that have created rifts in the community, and distorted our use of community. And I'm fully within my rights to hate someone who looks at me and others like me, who have been so good and kind, as lesser, and filthy. I appreciate that he helped build the vampire community into what it is today, but we need people who are willing to care for, accept, and understand others to take the torch and carry it from here.

[veryace-ficrecs]

Asexual Fic Recs

These fics feature characters who either canonically or non-canonically identify as asexual. If I include a fic on this list that features a character that you personally don't think is ace - thats ok! everyone has their own headcannons for characters, Just be polite!

Merlin (TV)

keep me as i keep you by fabledfrog - Rated G

Merlin smiles, a smile that makes Arthur feel like he’s the one who brings out the sun every morning. It’s a smile that says ‘I am proud of you’ and ‘I know you will’ and spells out devotion and care.

Heart Lines by PeaceHeather - Rated G

Everyone is born with a heart line, a pigmented mark running from the heart down the left arm to the palm, which turns color when the person comes of age, telling them when it is time to seek their soulmate. Red indicates a romantic love, while blue is for platonic "heart-friends", as the minstrels called it. Uther had always told Arthur to ignore his heart line, that it wouldn't matter who his soulmate was; princes did not marry for love, after all. If was lucky, he'd be able to keep her as a mistress, so long as he did not get any children with her. Uther hated magic and would have urged Arthur to ignore the heart line anyway, if he could. Arthur wasn't sure his soulmate was really a woman despite Uther's assumptions. But Arthur's heart line hadn't even come into its full color yet, which meant he hadn't come of age in the eyes of the gods, despite being named crown prince by Uther. So it really didn't matter: whoever his soulmate was, he wasn't yet ready to meet them. Then one day his heart line comes in, and it's neither red nor blue.

Leverage (TV)

Not Quite the Birds and the Bees by YumeArashi - Rated T

One morning over breakfast, Parker asked Hardison, "So am I supposed to offer to have sex with you?" [Relationships get interesting where Parker's involved. Luckily, Hardison is a very understanding guy.]

Better than Normal by YumeArashi - Rated M

Parker's take on life, love, and sex (or lack thereof) with Hardison and Eliot.

Star Wars

The Slow Progression of Wanting by celeste9 - Rated T

Everyone in the Resistance seems to assume that Finn wants either Rey or Poe, with the only question being which one. Though Finn slowly comes to realize that he does want them, he doesn't want them in the way that people seem to think he should. He thinks there must be something wrong with him. (asexual!Finn)

The Princess and the Nerfherder by Fialleril - Rated G

“Are we dating?” Breha said to him one afternoon in the Academy’s library. Or, the life and times of Breha and Bail Organa.

Abstinence Only by mandocule - Rated G

Boba Fett was fine with the world thinking he didn't approve of sex before marriage. It was true, anyway, if only in the sense that he didn't want sex at all, before or after marriage. He just hoped Djarin would get the picture and stop trying to get with him before he had to lay it out - or, worse, before he caught feelings.

it's getting hard to be someone, but it all works out by redsquadronblues (aceofcorvids) - Rated T

Wedge and Luke keep coming back to each other for ten long years, and it's the opposite of a problem. Or, five times Wedge wakes up next to Luke Skywalker, and one time he doesn't.

Lord of The Rings

Three is Company by starryeyedknight - Rated T

“And what about you, Samwise? You’re going to tell me you’ve never looked as Mr Frodo with an eye for a quick fondle if he offered it – a handsome fellow such as him?”

Frodo straightened up, dusting off his jacket and shirt. “Yes, go on Samwise; I want to hear the answer to this.”

“No, I ain’t,” Sam said with laboured patience. “Mr Frodo isn’t interested in that sort of thing, and so I don’t consider it. It just seems…well, too much like taking liberties, if you take my meaning.”

“Do you know, I find that rather insulting? Just because I’m not looking for a good tupping doesn’t mean you couldn’t pine after me a little, Sam Gamgee, even as a matter of courtesy. What’s a hobbit got to do to be objectified around here?”

Sometimes relationships need a little communication to define. In which Rosie is bolder than the boys expect, Frodo is overcome with emotion (and a severe case of the giggles), Sam still doesn't understand what a catch he is - and all three hobbits love each other very dearly indeed.

9-1-1 (TV)

To Become a Family by RaspberryDreams1 - Rated M

Eddie's on leave before being deployed after the death of his 17 year old brother Leonardo, when his old school friend Shannon comes to him asking for help. Shannon is pregnant and Eddie's the only member of the family who knows that Leon had been casually involved with Shannon. Shannon doesn't want an abortion but cannot face the idea of bringing up a baby on her own. Believing that this may be his only chance at fatherhood, Eddie agrees to claim paternity and marry Shannon to provide the child with financial security and a father.

Baldur's Gate (Video Game)

joke me something awful, just like kisses on the necks of best friends by LyriumTainted - Rated G

“…If you wanted to cuddle, you could’ve just said so.” “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m doing this for your benefit.”

Supernatural

Warmth by TheIttyBitty - Rated G

Asexual!Cas & Protective!Dean

What Matters by bumblewyn - Rated T

Cas thinks he owes it to Dean to have sex with him, Dean shows Cas what truly matters.

Get it Wrong, Get it Right by feraldanvers - Rated T

Dean’s been mixed up over his feelings for a long time, but it never occurs to him that Cas might be mixed up, too.

[jeanmoreaux]

okay so not to alarm you but prince's gambit has rewired my brain

like objectively i admit this series is dark and gross and yada yada yada all the caveats, i get it....but also i'm gonna be so honest i was expecting worse? like more specifically between damen and laurent. like the world itself is crude and terrible but everybody made it seem like it was this insane relationship that leaned into the sex slavery part and i'm just so compelled by the fact that as characters, both damen and laurent are overall....pretty decent people. like sure they have slaves, they kill people sure, but they don't abuse each other to the same extent like i see in a lot of toxic ships and that's soooo fascinating. (especially because i'm still waiting on laurent's reasoning for his celibacy! what is he hiding!!!) the reason the ship works so well is that starts as enemies to allies first and they do shockingly treat each other with as much consent as they're able most of the time. and in book two especially there's just so much less horror than in book one.

i think it was uncomfortable to adjust to the world itself because of obvious reasons but i think the political intrigue of book two is SO interesting and compelling and yeah i'll say it, i fucking love stories where the enemies end up becoming the only people they can trust - and the REASON IS they are BOTH TRYING TO DO GOOD! which is again so andreil coded, although it's for sure in a different way. my other favorite character archetype is the bad guy who is actually doing good underneath he just never corrects anyone because it's easier and better strategically to be bad!!! (me reading this: oh okay so it's a rhysand thing isn't it) like sure laurent is a bitch but he's literally giving aaron warner

i'll admit i am slightly terrified of what will happen when laurent finds out who damen actually is but i am LIVING for these bonding moments where they keep saving each other's life like DAMN i'm into that shit

anyway. i've fallen into the deep end and i fear i'll be stuck here for a while but hey, it's fun. i feel like i should be more ashamed of enjoying it BUT it's fun.

i know you already finished kings rising by now and i know i already screamed sufficiently in the dms (<3) BUT i just need to post this because your reactions in any shape and form are priceless to me. like YEAH it isn’t as bad as some people make it out to be. like you mentioned in some other tags on your blog, for a series that people claim is about focused on sex slavery (which it is not lol) there is a lot of consent happening. also like. the gross and disturbing stuff mostly happens in book one (after that it’s getting much tamer (still heavy and disturbing things happening but to a different extent) and it’s mostly just established things playing out and the main dynamic shifts so so much from where it started and in book three you understand why things unraveled and happened the way they did in book one. and by then everything has changed and the person they used to hate is their focal point and the only person they can actually trust. and the loyalty and devotion are well-earned and bone deep on both sides. it’s just soooo *head in hands* 🧎‍♀️and just to have it said, with an ounce of critical thinking you can see that there are points being made—shocking and “problematic” things in this story do have a point to exist in the story. it’s actually a story that at its core much more about love and forgiveness and overcoming your past than anything else. people either get it or they don’t.

and i know you understand now when i said they are andreil coded in a distinct way in the sense that their dynamics resembles them but they both resemble them as individuals as well but also they are completely different from neil and andrew and ahhhhh it makes me feel insane but You Know.

[nahisummerhold]

Nahi to Pathyn: Word is we are moving camp tomorrow.

She had given up on not reaching out to her life lines, but what the therapist talked with her about had her a bit shook and she just needed a friend, but the only person she considered a true friend, one that actually knew her more than anyone, was Pathyn. Maybe before he went off the deep end she might have considered Kyean, but that was now locked up in a tight little place of anger in her mind. 

Anger that she had let go of while she confronted Ky but then swallowed down, which the therapist said was not really a good idea. There was a whole bunch he said about her emotions, then sent her off to journal about how she felt about what he said. 

That was part of what she was avoiding in the hopes to talk to Pathyn, but she continued to wait so she began to journal, fel take him…

It wasn’t until she was right about out of words that her comm blinked and vibrated.

Pathyn to Nahi: Hey girl. If you are going deep dark you need to be careful, things are a bit out of whack down there. I know you are pretty well protected in camp but all those creepy crawlies are devious.

Nahi to Pathyn: Yeah got the sense that was the case when they exploded up from the ground to take out a light that was keeping them at bay.

Pathyn to Nahi: That is nothing Nightengale, so you need to watch yourself and your company. How are you doing?

She knew that was not a polite question and it took her a few moments to answe. It  was nice to be able to talk to him without awkwardness, but she wasn’t sure she liked the topic. 

Nahi to Pathyn: I am not sure. I am pretty upset at him. Also, you need to know I don’t blame you for this at all. You are not his keeper.

Pathyn to Nahi: We are family and have been fighting together for thousands of years. I blame myself for not seeing what was going on. Or, I did see and thought he was just worried, I was so wrapped up in scouting I didn’t realize how far he was taking things.

Nahi to Pathyn: I knew too. At least I knew he was watching me. I didn’t think of the consequences if he got caught, or at least maybe I should have? Company life is still hard for me to understand.

Pathyn to Nahi: It takes time, it is much different  for each company too. Yours is small and really well trained so anything like that needs to be handled, and quickly, before it gets out of hand. In our group we all have known each other for a long time, so problems like this have never come up before. What he did was very serious in the camps’ eyes, so much so they told him to leave until he gets his mind right. And they called his mother. 

Nahi to Pathyn: They did what? Called his mother? You guys are eons old and that is still a thing?

Pathyn to Nahi: Some of our camp fought alongside her, it was why they did not punish him worse. Oh, and I sent her his comm override in case he tried to avoid her. 

Nahi to Pathyn: Blessed sun, that is just cruel.

Pathyn to Nahi: We live in a matriarchal society, what he did was bad  Nahi, not just for you but he was raised better than that. Something his mother told me in great detail becuase I wasn’t taking your safety seriously enough. 

Nahi to Pathyn: He wouldn’t have hurt me, he wants and worries about me, yes. But hurt me? No, I don’t think so.

Pathyn to Nahi: In the eyes of our team he did hurt you, or your reputation at least. He knew better, and they could not just let him go without making sure he would deal with it. Hence his mother.

Nahi to Pathyn: What is she like? 

Pathyn to Nahi: An older Priest of Elune. Bad ass and very devoted to the Goddeas. He is going to be in so much trouble. You have no idea. 😈

Nahi was envious of the little face at the end, she needed to figure out how to do such things. 

Nahi to Pathyn: That makes me smile, and feel sorry for him at the same time.

Pathyn to Nahi: Do not do that. This was done to you and you don’t take the blame for being the victim in this.

Nahi to Pathyn: I am not a victim, Pathyn. 

Pathyn to Nahi: You have your own consequences in dealing with this. How is everything in camp?

Again she knew what he was asking without him saying it.

Nahi to Pathyn: I know people are talking, I get the voices behind my back after I go somewhere but no one has approached me.

Pathyn to Nahi: What will you do it they do?

Nahi to Pathyn: Handle it like everything else in my life, with a smile. 

( @themercenaries )

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Chaptered Fics Written Over Multiple Years Masterlist

Absolutely Lovely (ao3) - AutumnKismet

Summary: His friends and family think he’s acting strange, they’re worried that he’s depressed again, but Dan doesn’t see it. The only thing he sees is the new guy at school, the quirky one with the black hair and stunning blue eyes, and that’s bad. So bad… because he likes him, and Dan can’t like him. Dan can’t be gay. He’ll lose his family, he’ll lose his friends… he’ll become just like his father, and that’s the last thing that he wants in the entire world. It’s a scary thought that he doesn’t think will ever go away and if there’s the possibility of that happening, of him becoming the disgusting monster that his father was, or is, then maybe the world is better off without him, regardless of what PJ’s dad, his mum’s new husband, has to say.

A Different Kind of Philly (ao3) - NiniMeggie

Summary: Dan is getting to an age where he is meant to be looking for a bride from one of the neighbouring kingdoms. After messengers are sent from various kingdoms from both lords and kings offering their daughters’ hands, Dan has a lot to consider. His father sends invites to the interested parties of the top three kingdoms and tells his son to pick whichever filly his heart desires. After meeting them, he thinks the Philly he wants is one his father would not approve of.

An Angel in a Leather Jacket (ao3) - bakingphaninmymind

Summary: An argument starts it all. Hell comes after for Dan Howell, the school pastel boy. He only wanted to help, but got backstabbed in the end. From safe position in the school hierarchy, Dan is up to neck in an affair he never had and starts finding threats in his locker. He needs someone on his side if he wants to make it to the end of high school. A mysterious punk boy promises him protection. The condition he needs to meet, though, is far from normal.

A Stolen Ring (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan’s not normal. Why?

He's not human, he has a mysterious ring, and he hates Phil Lester. They have a strange past, one filled with bullying and avoidance, but when Dan turns into an incubus, everything changes. He struggles with his identity and cries himself to sleep most nights, yearning to be normal. And somehow the universe makes it worse by bringing him and Phil together - in the most literal sense.

An Angel in a Leather Jacket (ao3) - bakingphaninmymind

Summary: An argument starts it all. Hell comes after for Dan Howell, the school pastel boy. He only wanted to help, but got backstabbed in the end. From a safe position in the school hierarchy, Dan is up to neck in an affair he never had and starts finding threats in his locker. He needs someone on his side if he wants to make it to the end of high school. A mysterious punk boy promises him protection. The condition Dan needs to meet, though, is far from normal.

(TW) Aria in the Snow (ao3) - Eavans

Summary: If you asked most people of Daniel J. Howell’s lot in life, they’d tell you it was pretty good. A small career writing for a fashionable magazine, the heir to one of New York’s most prestigious hotels, the convenience of youth and an ailing millionaire father… what more could an 18-year-old ask for?

So when a night at the symphony turns into the start of a whole new double life in the city’s queer underworld, the heir to New York’s most fashionable hotel will have to learn what is what when you're dating a cabaret singer, and who is who when that singer becomes a troubled star.

So it’s nothing but fate to blame when things start to fall apart. The catch? It’s the last half of the 1920s—

And this romance is illegal.

As Sweet As Devotion (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: Sick of a failure of a love life, Dan applies for a show which claims to pair him with his scientifically proven soulmate, in both personality and appearance alike. The catch? He’ll see and meet them for the very first time on their wedding day.He’s paired with a man named Phil, and thus begins the rest of his life, marital bliss with a complete stranger.

Better Than Me (ao3) - floofdjh

Summary: Dan Howell is a camboy. At only eighteen, he’s already become popular on many websites and has been involved with a magazine. Desiring for someone to trust to create his darkest fantasies with, he downloads Tinder, where he meets the sweetest man alive. But surely this man could find someone better than Dan, couldn’t he?

Birthday Sex (ao3) - danfanciesphil (thejigsawtimess)

Summary: The rules are pretty simple.

Whoever's birthday it is gets whatever they want, no questions asked.

A bi-annual sex treaty.

It's the perfect answer to getting rid of all of that pent up angst, leftover desire and sexual frustration they feel for each other. And seriously, it'll be fine. There's no way anyone can be manipulated or end up with their feelings hurt or anything like that. Granted, friends-with-benefits has a bad rep, but how could this possibly go wrong?

They've got it all planned out.

By the way, I adore you. (ao3) - lxzyfangirl

Summary: Dan is very sick, and the future is not looking too bright for him, thankfully, he has Phil, his best friend, to accompany him through it all. But is Dan satisfied with being just friends?

dancing on the blades (you set my heart on fire) (ao3) - kishere

Summary: Dan Howell is an ice skater in England, a non power player in the world of competitive ice skating. Phil Lester is the greatest ice skater to come out of England in the past decade, part of a family legacy. When Dan is offered a spot at Phil's family gym, he learns what he was missing the most to be the best ice skater he could be.

Or: the yuri on ice inspired au

Flashbacks (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Basically, Dan suffered injuries to his head and can't remember the past year but he keeps having dreams about it, so his memories are coming back to him via dreams so he keeps getting memories back, but not everything.

home is where the heart is. (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: 16 year old Daniel Howell had always felt out of place in his dad's fancy apartment or under the Singaporean sun. Life was not bad, but being the son of a British expatriate banker divorcee with commitment issues meant that there was never a home.

Inspired by the only constant in his life, a similar aged British youtuber by the name of Phil Lester, Dan decides to move to his supposed homeland Britain on a whim, in the hopes of escaping his bubble of isolation, and maybe find the place where he truly belonged.

Somehow Dan lands himself in one of the few notorious all boys boarding schools in Britain, one that has bizarre traditions, vicious inter-house competition and way too many attractive boys; and a roommate who had been Dan's best friend all along, even if Phil Lester hadn't known it.

Dan finally found home.

In My Way (ao3) - INeverHadMyInternetPhase (BirbWatcher)

Summary: Daniel Howell is 21 and Britain’s newest star. He’s just been cast in the much-anticipated film adaption of Last Man Standing, the popular teen fantasy novel with a huge fanbase hanging off his every tweet. In other words, Dan has made it big.

Phil Lester couldn’t care less. He’s a stressed out PHD student working part time at a bookshop while he struggles to get into post-production. He’s 26 and still lives in a tiny flat on the fifth floor of a building with a lift more broken than it is in use. He loves books, but he thinks big film adaptions screw with the plot too much.

Needless to say, Phil is less than impressed when Last Man Standing is getting filmed in his hometown. And he certainly doesn’t want anything to do with obnoxious, arrogant, so irritatingly perfect leading actor Daniel Howell.

Maths Notes and Flower Doodles (ao3) - DavineNaughter

Summary: Phil Lester is that dorky guy who always doodles on everything. Dan Howell is the school's most popular boy and star athlete. They don't see much of each other, and when they do it generally involves punches and Phil getting injured. But then they're sat next each other in a couple classes and paired together on a project, and that may change. Throw in some homophobic douchebags, a super sassy sexual Chris, and a sprained wrist, who knows what could happen. Based on a Tumblr post.

meet me at red dragon (ao3) - watergator

Summary: phil lester is a single 31 year old with a wild eight year old, ethan. dan howell is single 27 year old with a quiet five year old, noah.

when they meet at their son's swim lessons, for some reason phil can't get the pretty brown eyed stranger out of his head.

Not On Fire (ao3) - ctrling

Summary: Dan Howell is not on fire . . .

Dan doesn't do friends. He hangs out with Louise because it makes his parents happy, sets fires in his free time to keep his anger at bay, tries his best to go unnoticed, and dreams of the day when he'll go off to college in a completely different state with new people. Phil Lester, the new guy with a police officer for a father, is definitely not, in any way, a part of his plan.

But Louise has a different plan for him, one with befriending Phil Lester at the top of Things He Absolutely Must Do, despite how he feels about the situation. And every single time he turns around, it seems she has a new idea to help the budding friendship.

Now, Dan's struggling to please Louise and his parents, maintain good grades that will get him into a good college, and find time to do the one thing that actually calms him down.

So maybe being an arsonist in high school wasn't one of his better ideas.

. . . but everything around him is.

The Era of the Wingless Angel (ao3) - americanphancakes

Summary: The man, the myth, the legend! Singer-Songwriter Dan Howell is celebrating the 10th anniversary of his debut with a tell-all interview. How did his father’s departure from his life affect his songwriting? Why did his marriage to his background dancer fail? And are he and producer Phil Lester romantically involved? Tune in to find out.

Through the Window (ao3) - Tastefulcucumber

Summary: Phil just moved in next door to Dan Howell, the amazing basketball star and winner of the best hair in mock elections. Phil can’t help but noticing that a room in his new house has a window that leads straight into Dan’s bedroom, and he happens to spend quite of bit of time in said room.

(when you gonna realise) it was just that the time was wrong (ao3) - The_Blonde

Summary: "His notebook is divided into five columns, as much as he can remember. I’m with Dan. I’m not with Dan. Dan is far away from me. I love him, but I shouldn’t. I love him, but I can’t. Dan Howell; an impossible boy turning up in all variations of impossible dreams. The whole reason. The loss of something that you never quite found in the first place."

Or: Phil works in a coffee shop. Or at an animal sanctuary. Or at a university. Maybe he's a Youtuber. Maybe he runs an editing firm. Sometimes he's in the 1920s. In all of these places he has dreams. In all of these places he is in love with Dan. It's just trying to work out which time is the right one.

[delta-chan]

The Trouble With Sphene

A rambling critique. Dawntrail has plenty of problems that I've already talked about--such as its pacing--but this is perhaps one of the glaring and most infuriating in my opinion. More under the cut, as per usual.

Before I begin, let me get this out of the way: if you're gearing up to say something to the effect of "you just don't like complex female characters" I'm going to need you to take several seats. Because that Sphene isn't complex is exactly the issue here.

Sphene is, to quote miss Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. Nothing is wrong with her. She's kind, loving, fair, and wants nothing more than the happiness of her people. She doesn't have a single true detractor and everyone under her rule genuine fawns over her to an absurd degree. The absolute level of love and devotion she has from her people almost borders on parody--it's like she's a waylaid Disney princess and ought to be spending most of her time singing cheerful little tunes to songbirds at a castle windowsill.

When we meet Sphene, they take advantage of this impression in the tense, dark situation to play upon our natural suspicions. Surely, she can't actually be this good...? The praise for her is laid on so thick that we almost have no choice but to believe there's something unsavory about her--but there isn't. At every turn she's immediately proven to be genuinely beloved for good reasons.

"Is that a crime?" No. It isn't--but it doesn't make a complex character, nor does it make her interesting. For her to be so intensely perfect and beloved is, again, absurd, and renders her flat. There is nothing behind her--she was perfect and universally beloved in life, and she is perfect and universally beloved as an endless.

I saw someone post once that Sphene's pain is inspiring--that she's carried the burden of understanding what death truly is for her people while protecting them from suffering, carrying the burden of Alexandria's sins all on her own. This inference does not make her better. It makes her worse--painting her a messianic figure, christlike in character. It serves to make her even more flat, a glowing font of unending grace and kindness so blinding in its perfection that there is nothing there but an oppressive, featureless bloom.

When her goals and position as an antagonist are revealed, the situation becomes quite curious. Typically this would be the source of some fatal negative flaw. Sphene's flaw is that she simply loves her people too much.

But her villainy also isn't her fault.

The fact that Sphene is so incredibly loving and good and kind was taken advantage of by the real bad guys at preservation--Sphene herself is a poor put-upon innocent who rules her people eternally with the same perfect service she did when she was still alive. She wouldn't have done any of these things herself, you see. Her programming made her do it, and she needs you to stop her. You're her friends, after all, and she trusts you--because Sphene is good and loving and friendly and would never hurt someone under her own power if she could help it.

This is absolutely baffling to me. I have a feeling that the team was trying to cover their asses on numerous fronts while at the same time desperately grasping at the same sort of iconic "tragic villain" crown that Emet and Meteion wear. But for me this falls flat. How can Sphene be tragic if she has no tragic flaw? How can Sphene be tragic if she's so incredibly perfect that her only problem is that she loves too much? (But don't worry! Nothing is actually her fault. It's Zoraal Ja's fault. It's preservation's fault. But it's not her fault.)

She isn't bitter and judgmental like Emet. She isn't nervous and naive like Meteion. And she isn't an imperfect still bumbling mess still shedding the vestiges of her ignorance like her mirror, Wuk Lamat. She never was. And nothing was ever her fault.

Which brings me to a personal concern of mine.

Alexandria has colonized Tural. As "accidental" as this was, the country has still colonized Tural. (And the whole reflection, to be honest.) Alexandria is there with the intent of harvesting a natural resource for its own benefit. This does not sit well with me. This whole situation does not sit well with me, and Sphene is at the center.

Because, you see--Sphene is such a good person that she cares for the people of Yyasulani as if they were her own. They are, after all, for all intents and purposes citizens of Alexandria. She made farms for them since they want to continue "the old ways". She doesn't force the regulators on anyone. She visits the people and is fawned upon in kind because she's just that perfect. How could anyone complain...?

She offers Lamaty'i an out when it comes to her goal of harvesting life energy--"become citizens of Alexandria". We won't have to take from you if you're considered part of our nation, because the benefits of the harvest would be going to you as well. This is horrific--but this isn't Sphene's fault, of course, and she's only offering this as an effort to save the people of Tural.

It rubs me the wrong way in such an extreme way that it makes me irritated just thinking about it--was the hell kind of character is this...? At times it feels like they know that their Sad Pale Waif's villainy crosses into very uncomfortable territory, yet they still wanted to have a Sad Pale Waif--so they overcorrected. They made her perfect. She wants to do nothing but love and serve her people. She's so kind, just, and loving that she quickly wants to be Lamaty'i's friend and desires protect the people of Tural from her faulty programming.

It feels, to me, that they looked at this pale, dainty little thing and thought about the idea of her very European flavored kingdom taking out a chunk of Tural and threatening the world with taking their resources. (Such an extreme resource, to boot!) They looked at their need to have her there and thought "people will likely see her as reprehensible if we give her any character flaws. The implications will be awful.". So she has none. There's nothing wrong with her. And what's wrong with her is a result of her perfect love for her people being twisted by a greater villain.

The actions of Alexandria are extreme and carry very troublesome implications, very heavy implications that aren't visited the way they should have been because it's simply too fraught. This, I believe, is a big reason why Sphene isn't complex.

And that's exactly the issue here.

[janethealien]

erm guys

I have an omori au in my head

omori faith au..

!!please note I only have the main characters thought out so far!! :(

(more under cut bc uhh nervous, my friend really didn't agree with my choices for characters and that was a bit discouraging..)

ok so first of all kel is john. thats bc he's my favorite and tbh I like au's where sunny isn't the main protagonist.. its more of just a strong gut feeling that he should be john.. (i don't see him working as well with other main characters and opinion moment)

hero is both father allred and garcia, as in he is instead heavily injured during the exorcism.. him and kel don't really contact each other at all due to what happened until later aka chapter 2 onwards..

also!! lisa is sally!! she's doing a bit better than her brothers, just trying to find her way in life and it's going a little worse then anticipated..

aubrey is amy!! i feel most confident with this one because of both not really liking their homes and stuff:p (also!! fyi ages are played around with a little bit to fit the story!!)

basil felt like he was more fitting for tiffany!! aka extreme devotion (he basically did everything for sunny even tho he didn't care..) he sort of knows he's being manipulated, but couldn't care less as long as he's helping sunny..

okay sunny is gary... he gets people to join in the same way as gary does, but instead his personality is just like canon sunny

his story only makes sense with mari!!! who is miriam bell.. aka mari's family runs a cult that she later takes over after they die.. they summon sunny and the two act like siblings so nobody notices anything.. mari dies not bc she was too old for being a vessel, but because her perfectionism led her to do something she was not physically able to handle yet..

OTHER STUFF!!!:

hero, kel, and sally were by themselves for a bit with their mom, and took care of her while taking care of themselves as well!! their mom still dies tho and all the orphanage stuff still happens.. hero eventually becomes a priest, and kel follows his steps since he wants to be like him as sally goes off to do her own thing..

that is all sorry idk I got nervous about this au it's been sitting in my draft because I was worried it had to be the greatest thing ever,,,,,😰

also I may or may not make designs it's just been a silly concept for now

[calliethetrekkie]

Star Trek TOS S01E02: The Corbomite Maneuver

Original Thoughts

"Boring. Is this gonna be like the Star Trek movie curse? Where every odd numbered episode is meh at best and stupid at worse, while all the even numbered episodes are at least interesting? All I remember after watching it is that they dealt with an alien force that originally looked like a Rubix Cube without the squares. Oh and the voice of Ted Cassidy, that was nice~ But yeah, otherwise it was boring. Not unwatchable, but forgettable, 2/5."

(Original Post)

Rewatch Thoughts

The only thing meh at best and stupid at worst is that opinion. Shame on you Callie from two years ago! Also, I kept calling it 'Corbonite Maneuver' for some reason. Whoops.

Okay really, I think the reason that I felt that way was because I was watching the show in the order they had it on streaming. In other words, the airing order, not the production order. Thus, when compared to episodes like The Naked Time and The Enemy Within which were pretty intense episodes, this one came off as slow and uneventful in comparison. Had I watched it in production order, this would have been first after the two pilot episodes and I likely wouldn't have had as much of an issue with it. I'd have probably still found it boring, but it wouldn't feel as big of a letdown as the first time.

But here we are two years later. I had watched the episode again in-between then and now and had come around to it. It's funny how different your perception can be after you go back after watching the whole series through. The Man Trap is a great example, but we'll get there later. I'd already done some meta analysis on the episode, so feel free to check that out. It's mainly a McKirk post analyzing how their professional relationship can conflict as well as their personal relationship that I feel is especially vital in this episode. I'm probably gonna give it a do-over on my main blog down the line. But I'll give the abridged version of it and my other thoughts here.

As far as the episode itself goes, it's still not my favorite by any means, but I wouldn't rank it as low as I did originally. Watching it as a series premiere, this one does the job perfectly. It establishes our captain, the main crew members we'll be seeing, and what we can expect from the show. It may seem a bit, for lack of a better word, cheap to a modern audience. But I can imagine had this aired properly, this would have wowed the audiences of the 60's. There's also some legitimate tension about how Kirk was going to pull them out of this mess and with how rather... harsh and stressed he was, it shows that for all his flaws, he is very much an effective captain.

Kirk having problems isn't a bad thing either. There's plenty of growth for him as a captain. Here we see him stressed, demanding, and pushing things way too hard. He demands simulations to be conducted while the ship is still being repaired AND while the officers are still getting their wits together. It's especially clear with navigator Bailey, who is barely holding himself together. He's tense, uncertain, eventually freezes up and later has a full-on breakdown from all the stress and fear. McCoy even tries to get Kirk to see this and quit pushing too hard, but Kirk is incapable of doing so at this moment. This may be the Enterprise's first major crisis since Kirk became captain, and thus everything is on his shoulders. He's stressed. His stress is causing everyone else stress as he's trying to figure out what to do. By the end, he manages to effectively get them out of danger with both his bluff about corbomite and then leading the crew to breaking from the tractor beam.

And in the end, it's clear that Kirk isn't a bad guy. He is very much devoted to the mission of discovering new worlds and new life. Even after everything, he chooses to help Balok when the distress signal goes out and tries to make things up to bailey by letting him be the first along with himself and McCoy to have the first encounter. Which leads to bailey essentially becoming their ambassador... which whether letting him stay maybe wasn't the best idea, but he saw that Bailey wanted to do it and allowed it. And at the end of the day, that is their mission. To exchange information and cultures with other worlds.

We do a lot of good character establishing. We have Kirk of course, but McCoy also gets it really well. He puts off a red alert to finish Kirk's physical while he has the chance, showing that he's a doctor before all else. He's frequently trying to guide Jim to take notice of the crew's mental state while also trying to ease Kirk's own state. He provokes an argument with Kirk regarding Bailey's breakdown despite the fact they're potentially minutes away from death, which is what gets Kirk to actually snap. He had no problem talking back to the captian, even threatening to report him to his face, but considering he chose to do so at the worst moment shows a level of short-sightedness when focused on a certain thing. For a guy who didn't get any top billing until Season 2, they clearly knew that DeForest Kelley as McCoy was gonna be a stand-out and indeed he was.

It also establishes Kirk and McCoy's relationship really well from the get-go. While them having an argument like this is rare, it shows how it can happen. You could even say that they both learn from it and try to be more understanding of each other's concerns and position later. It doesn't always work, but it's a step in the right direction. And they both know their fault and apologize. You can tell that even this early on, they have a close bond. Kirk noticeably eases up and opens up around McCoy moreso than anyone else, aside from a little with Spock. He's not even using Bones yet, but that could be because he's trying to be the professional captain, but after this eases up on that. Really, I could go on all day about these two, but again that's for my main blog. But with how major their relationship truly is and how it often gets overshadowed by Kirk/Spock and Spock/McCoy, it's nice to see it so early on and done so well.

Aside from that, there isn't much more to say. It's a good episode. Not great, but nowhere near as bad as I made it out in my original watchthrough. Spock doesn't have a lot for me to go over aside from being established as the logical second-in-command. The little scene where McCoy says he'd love to teach Spock poker is cute though, and outright hilarious considering how they interact later. But hey gotta start somewhere haha. Overall, it's a good episode. It isn't great, but as an introduction to ST, the cast, and the show's purpose? It nails it perfectly and was enjoyable. It certainly wasn't boring or forgettable this time around.

Oh and because I'm an animation nerd, hearing Ted Cassidy (most well known as Lurch in The Addams Family and various animation roles) as Balok was still an utter joy~!

Original Ranking: 2/5

Rewatch Ranking: 6/10

[My TOS Reviews]

[TOS S1 Reviews]

[Next Review]

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #53

previously - Journal Entry #52

Victor

"Do you even know what I need?"

I can't believe I said that to my poor husband, especially given how our conversation had been going and the state of mind he was obviously in. Even before the entire sentence was out of my mouth, I regretted it, but unfortunately there was no way to pull it back in.

Several minutes before that, I'd found Yuri in the upstairs bathroom, crying his heart out. I think he was trying to hide from me, but I figured he would've realized by now that he never can. I don't know how I always know when something's wrong with him. I just do, and usually I'm able to help him in some way.

On this night, though? Tonight, not only did I not help, but I possibly made things worse.

Not that anyone else’s opinion has any real impact here, but I want you guys to understand, asking Yuri that question wasn't meant as a rebuke. Although it probably came out sounding that way, I wasn't trying to criticize him.

The truth is, up until recently, he's been giving me exactly what I need, whether he's able to articulate what that is or not. And if he can't put it into words, that's not his fault. It's not as if he's never asked me what I need. He has, but it's my inability to express stuff clearly that's the problem, not his ability to understand, and for me to demand him to explain something that I can barely even explain myself was beyond unfair.

What Yuri does for me, and what I've always needed someone to do, is to help provide stability for me. Sometimes, when I'm scared or stressed or upset, I have a hard time processing my thoughts and regulating my energy. I don't really know how to describe it, but it's like static in my brain, like white noise that makes it nearly impossible for me to hear the part of my mind that controls my impulses and forms logical thoughts. But, Yuri knows how to calm me down when I'm like that. He knows better than anyone what a mess I am, and he always seems to have the ability to sort me out.

Yuri was the one who realized the importance of schedules for me, too. As silly as it sounds, he gave me a regular bedtime and wake-up time, and helped me build other routines into my life that are the same every day. I can't even begin to tell you what a huge difference that's made in terms of how well I'm able to process my emotions and regulate my energy. I guess it's because those are things I don't have to focus on now, so I'm able to devote more brainpower to being a functional human.

Another thing he does is to talk sense into me when I need it. I like to say he's my voice of reason, 'cause I'm not particularly reasonable sometimes.

Being with him has helped me grow as a person. I think I'm more mature because of him, and more responsible. He teaches me by example how to be brave and resilient and emotionally strong. In situations where I'd be likely to give up, Yuri keeps going. As frail and sick as he is, if he can persevere, I have no excuse.

Since he's been really sick this time, though, something's changed. This is the most seriously ill I've ever seen him, and usually when he's not well, he's clingy and needy and just wants to be held and fussed over as much as possible which, contrary to what people may think, I don't mind at all. I haven't been able to take care of him like I normally would, and I'm sure that's affecting him, but it's more than that. I feel like he's been distancing himself from me, and I don't understand why. I've never known him to be as emotionally fragile as he's been over the past several weeks, and I suppose I expected that to lead to him wanting more affection, not less.

Not gonna lie, the lack of physical touch is hard on me, 'cause that's another thing I need. I'm a very tactile person, and Yuri touching me in any way makes me feel grounded and safe, particularly because I know how much of an act of trust it is for him to touch or be touched by anyone. I love it when he gets onto my lap and wants me to hold him, but I'm equally happy when he gives me a hug or plays with my fingers or pets my hair. And I like it when he lets me touch him in any way at all, but especially intimately. It's good to feel trusted. I'm missing that now, and it's starting to hurt me quite a lot.

Yuri didn't answer my question, but I didn't expect him to, since it was kind of rhetorical anyway. The problem was, he cried harder, and the sound of his sobs went straight to my heart. It felt like an invisible knife was stabbing me in the chest, and it took a sheer force of will for me not to start crying as well.

I felt so bad for snapping at him and upsetting him more than he already had been. Yes, I was frustrated and confused, but that didn't justify it.

I know there are people out there who believe he uses emotional manipulation on me. Like, people have said that to my face, so I'm not just being weird or paranoid about it. And yeah, maybe he does do it occasionally, but I've never met another human being who doesn't do it once in a while. But, to anyone who thinks Yuri regularly exploits my sensitivity with fake tears or some other made-up crap, I just wanna remind you that you aren't here with us all the time. You see what we show you, and that doesn't always include the moments of raw, genuine emotional reaction.

I promise you, Yuri's tears tonight were real, not made up to trick me into doing anything. In fact, I got the feeling he would’ve preferred that I wasn’t anywhere near him. Something was hurting him, and I was pretty sure it wasn't his illness. I was afraid it was me.

When he didn't respond after several seconds, I said softly, "I'm sorry."

I could barely hear him as he said weakly, "Go away."

"No," I said. "We need to figure this out.

Finally, he looked up at me. His face was all puffy and swollen, and the edges of his eyes were red. He looked awful, and I just wanted to hold him and soothe away any pain that I could.

"There's nothing to figure out," he said. "You'd be better off without me."

"Yuri." His name was all I could get out at first as I battled my desire to break down in tears. I drew in the deepest breath I was capable of. "Yuri, I need you. Please don't ever say I'd be better off without you, 'cause I wouldn't be. Without you, I... I might not even be here."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"How could you forget?" I said. "Remember the day I came home from the hospital? That night?"

"Yes."

I folded my arms close to my body, but the self-protecting gesture did little to prevent the shiver of dread that went through me at the memory of that night. I'm not sure I really wanted to talk about it, but something in my conscience told me I needed to reveal one particular thing to my husband. It was a secret too big to keep, and I needed him to know, and there might never be a more appropriate time.

"That night... I literally wanted to die, Yuri. Not figuratively. Literally. I would've been perfectly fine with closing my eyes and never waking up."

He stared at me, and the expression that crossed his face was nothing short of haunted. "You...? Literally?"

"Yeah," I said. "I was angry and scared and... I don't know. Desperate, I guess. I felt like my whole life was ruined, just because of one dumb mistake."

"It wasn't," he said. "Didn't I tell you that?"

"I know. You did, and I trusted you. It's the reason I'm here," I said. "But, I think I was out of my mind that night. Like, I wasn't thinking straight at all. I'd never been in that much pain in my entire life, and I was worried that I'd never be able to see again, and everything was just... too much. I know it's nothing compared to the pain you're in sometimes, but I still couldn't handle it. Not like you can."

"I didn't realize," he said. "I wanted to help you settle down because I knew you were upset, but I... I didn't realize..."

"I'm still around because of you," I reiterated, and in a flash of clarity it occurred to me that statement was one hundred percent true.

I don't know if there's a word for how horrible and useless and stupid I felt after my accident. Combine that with an excruciating headache, deep bone pain in both my arms, unrelenting nausea from the medication I was taking, and the absolutely terrifying prospect of permanently losing my vision, and I had a recipe for the end of life as I knew it. In hindsight, it's easy to say I was overreacting, but all I wanted on that first night back at home was for all my pain, both physical and psychological, to disappear.

You know how I explained that my struggles with impulse control and rational thinking are worse when I'm stressed? Left alone that night, it's likely that I would've made a very bad choice, and as a consequence, I wouldn't be here right now to share my thoughts about it. Thankfully, I had Yuri by my side. He couldn't make the pain go away, but he convinced me I could endure it and that it'd eventually pass. He was right, and I'm beyond grateful he was there with me.

I continued with, "You told me that you didn't know what you'd do without me. You said you'd stay by me no matter what, and you promised to take care of me, remember? You promised. What happened to that? Didn't you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it."

"If you meant it, then why are you saying I'd be better off without you now?" I said. "If you thought I needed you a few weeks ago, why wouldn't you still think that?"

"Because I was wrong."

"About what?"

"I wanted to be useful," he said. "I wanted to feel like an equal partner, and I wanted you to be able to trust me to look after you."

"I did trust you," I said. "I do."

More tears began to leak from the edges of his eyes and spill down his face. "I really tried. I tried my best to be strong for you and take care of you, but... I couldn't do it. I can't be equal to you. I can't even do a fraction of what you do.”

“It doesn’t matter if you’re not able to do everything all the time. I get it, and it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine, Look what happened to me after only a few days. Other people ended up having to take care of me, and where did that leave my promise to you?"

"You had no control over that," I said. "You did try your hardest, and you were awesome, but we both know you were already starting to get sick before my accident."

"This always happens. It's as if I'm always too ill when you need me the most."

"I need you all the time," I said.

"You don't need me being a burden to you."

"You're not a burden to me. How often am I going to have to tell you that? Taking care of you is a lot, but it's not a burden. I want to do it."

"But, what if I don't want to make your life difficult any more?" he said.

"You're not making my life difficult. If I ever made you feel that way, I'm sorry, 'cause I never meant to. You make my life better, and I'll never not want you in it."

"It... it wasn't you who made me think that," he said.

I held out my good hand to him. "Will you let me touch you?"

He chewed on his lip, clearly wrangling with the decision. I could practically see the debate going on in his head, reflected in his eyes. I could also see the precise moment when he made up his mind.

He crept slowly across the floor toward me, and crawled onto my lap. Wrapping his arms around my body, he leaned into me and rested his head against my shoulder. I held him with my good arm.

He cried for a while, and I stayed quiet, just letting him get it all out. It was plain to see that our situation had been bothering him and that he'd been spending a lot of time thinking about it. I suspected it'd been on his mind for some time, even before his conversation with Seiji, but whatever had happened between them certainly hadn't done anything to improve matters at all.

It infuriated me to think that Seiji had gone to see him in the hospital with the sole intention of telling him off. Of course I knew how Seiji felt — he'd made it perfectly clear that day in the park — but when he said he was going to give Yuri a piece of his mind, I never dreamed it'd be something like that. I thought maybe he'd give him a bit of a hard time for having to work instead of being there to see me compete. I didn't expect he'd go there and air out all his pent-up negativity.

And like... how dare he say Yuri is a terrible person? And how dare he try to interfere in our relationship and tell Yuri that I'm unhappy and that I'd be better off without him? I wanted to give him a huge piece of my mind for that.

Generally, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and I get that Seiji's going through a lot of difficult stuff, but that gives him no right to make everyone else as miserable as he is. Some of us are working hard to be the best versions of ourselves, and nobody needs another person tearing them down.

I decided I'd let it go for the time being. The last thing I wanted was to get into a pointless fight. I have more important things to focus on than Seiji Hinamori's poor behaviour. Besides, I reasoned that I'd get my opportunity to speak to him about it at some point anyway, and maybe it'd be a more productive conversation if we had the benefit of time to calm down and gain some perspective

"I love you," I said, once Yuri's weeping had subsided to sniffling and a few tiny whimpers. "I need you and I want you, and nothing anyone says is ever going to change that. Do you understand?"

He nodded against my shoulder, and said, "Yes, but..."

"No 'buts'," I said. "Maybe it's hard for you to accept hearing this from me right now, but you know what? That's totally okay. Take your time and figure out whatever you need to figure out, but just keep in mind that I'm not going anywhere while you're sorting through it.

He sighed. "Okay." Then, after a second or two, "Victor?"

'Yeah?"

"I really don't deserve you."

"It's not about deserving," I said. "Most of us wouldn't be happy if we got what the powers of the universe or whatever decided that we deserved. Wouldn't you rather have what you need than what you deserve?"

"Are you angry with me?"

"No, I'm not angry," I told him. "I'm worried about you. I'm sorry if you thought I was mad. I'm tired and frustrated, and I guess I could be handling it better, but that's got nothing to do with you. That's just me wishing things would get back to normal faster."

"Me too," he said. "I'm so tired."

"I know, love," I reached up to run my fingers through his hair. "It's okay. You've been through a lot lately."

"So have you.”

“Yeah, but I’m mostly better. Now we’ve got to work on getting you back on your feet.”

“I know I shouldn’t complain,” he said. “But I don’t know if that’s going to happen. Me getting back on my feet. Everything hurts, and I don’t know how to cope with it any more.”

"Saying you're tired or in pain isn't complaining. You’re allowed to say how you feel,” I told him. “It might actually be easier to deal with if you talk about it.”

"I'm too tired to talk. I can’t even think any more."

“Do you want to go to bed now?" I asked. Sleep wasn't the long-term solution, I realized, but if he was mentally tired, at least some sleep would give him a break from whatever turmoil was in his head.

"Yeah," he said.

"Would you like me to sleep in your bed with you, or do you still want to be alone?"

"I never want to be alone," It came out so softly that I wouldn't have caught it if his head hadn't been so close to mine. "Never again. I'm so afraid of that. But I'm scared that if I can't become a worthwhile person, I... I'll be alone... again... forever."

I thought he had run out of tears, but they renewed themselves in the middle of a sentence and left him hiccuping for breath by the end of it. He slumped down onto my legs, as if he didn't have a scrap of strength left to hold himself upright any more.

"Shh... shh..." I rubbed his back the way I know he likes, trying to comfort him. "Listen to me. You are a worthwhile person. You're an amazing person. Don’t I tell you that all the time?”

“Y-yes.”

“We all have stuff to work on,” I said. “If you want to fix some things, I'll help you however I can. Or you can ask for help from a professional if you think that's what you need, or we could talk to somebody together. When you're ready, you just tell me what you want, okay?"

"I want to feel like I’m enough," he whispered.

I pushed away the urge to tell him that he already is enough, that in my eyes, he’s everything. I’m sure he knows how much I love him and I’m equally sure that, deep down, he understands there are a lot of people in his life who do accept him just as he is.

The real problem is that he’s struggling to accept himself.

I don't think his poor self-worth is a new problem. My guess is that it goes back so far that he's forgotten how to think of himself as inherently valuable and is convinced he has to earn approval and validation from others. Except he never can, because when someone praises him or tells him he matters, he doesn't trust that they're telling the truth, because by his own standards it's literally impossible for him to measure up.

I could’ve given him every affirmation I could think of, and he wouldn’t have believed any of them. I wanted to tell him how strong and courageous and resilient he is, how intelligent and practical, and so delicately beautiful that it should be me who calls him 'treasure' and not the other way around. I wanted to say that he doesn't have to be objectively perfect to be perfect for me. But, all those words would’ve been lost if I spoke them aloud just then, and that realization broke my heart.

What I said instead was, "I'm never going to let you go. You're the most important person in the world to me."

With the proper help, I hope that one day when he looks at himself, he'll be able to see what I see when I look at him. Not a single one of us is flawless — not Yuri or me or anyone else — but everyone has something to offer the world. Everyone has value. Each of us means something to someone, whether we recognize that or not, and we each have our own special place in the grand design of the universe.

Sitting there in the middle of our bathroom floor, it occurred to me that I want the same thing for Yuri that he wants for himself. I want him to be happy, and I want him to understand that regardless of his disability, of any personal shortcomings or any mistakes he's made, of any bad thing anyone's said to him or about him — regardless of anything — he is enough.

[animebw]

If you asked me to describe the appeal of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, it would be this: it feels like it was written by a kid.

Admittedly, that sounds like a backhanded compliment. And in some sense, perhaps it is. But for better or worse, no other story, in any medium, so perfectly captures the feeling that it was brought to life specifically by a child’s active imagination. Hell, even saying it was “written” by a child feels too concrete a description. Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure is like one of those colossal, ongoing make-believe sessions you’d dream up with your friends on the playground, a story you would all craft together on the fly as you pretended to be heroes and villains and wield whatever nonsensical powers you could dream up. I shoot you with my energy laser! Nu-uh, my magic vampire ice powers make me immune to lasers! Oh yeah? Well I punch you with my magic punching ghost who can also stop time! Not so fast, I also have a magic punching ghost but when he punches things, he heals them! And you just keep going, making up new characters, new powers, new settings and new stories to tell within them, coming back day after day to continue the ongoing saga with second and third and fourth generations of your own make-believe heroes. Plus there’s a lot of pointless gross-out humor because you’re all like seven or eight and some dude almost being forced to lick a dirty toilet seat is still the height of comedy.

That is the appeal of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. That is the special sauce that makes this series truly one-of-a-kind. Yes, all long-running shonen are written for kids to some extent, but only Jojo’s truly captures that primal, lizard-brain euphoria of seeing your actual childhood imagination play out before your eyes. And while that style is responsible for all this franchise’s weaknesses and lowest points as well, it provides a niche that simply is not being filled by anything else. If you want to revisit that very specific feeling of being a kid and making up grand stories with your friends, in the days before you were fettered by the expectations of professional writing and could just let your imaginations run free, then Hirohiko Araki’s almost-four-decade-long magnum opus is by far your best option. Who knows, maybe Araki actually is immortal and his childlike whimsy has remained immortal with him. It would explain a lot, honestly.

I bring all this up to put my own feelings toward Jojo’s in context. I like Jojo’s. At times, I love Jojo’s. But when I see so many Jojo’s fans who treat it like gospel, who attack anyone who enjoys it the wrong way (*cough* let people watch parts in whatever order they want *cough*), who embody all the worst aspects of toxic, possessive fandom, and I just can’t help but think... really? This? This, of all franchises, is what you’ve chosen to devote your entire personality to defending? The show that, again, feels like it was written by an actual child? This is the show we’re treating like holy text and excommunicating people for daring to criticize it or see it from a different perspective? Like, guys, come on. This is the show where Araki forgetting how powers work or retconning stuff he no longer likes is literally a running fandom joke and some of y’all losers still treat it like this sacred cow that must not be defiled on pain of death. Get over yourselves already.

Anyway, my point is, as much as I’ve enjoyed Jojo’s, I have never once taken Jojo’s seriously.

Until Stone Ocean.

Stone Ocean is the first time that Jojo’s has felt like an actual fully realized story. Not just a collection of especially dynamic poses or an often logic-less stream of consciousness, but filtering all that insanity through a narrative with genuine stakes, with characters who genuinely grow and change, all building to one of the single most bonkers endings to any anime ever that nevertheless feels like a more meaningful conclusion than any other Jojo’s has managed. It’s so good it honestly makes all the previous parts look worse by comparison. You’re telling me we could’ve had the lovable cast of Diamond is Unbreakable with a plot that doesn’t wait half the season to show up? You’re saying we could’ve had the sheer propulsive energy of Golden Wind with a protagonist who has an actual arc and presence in the story? You mean all this time, Jojo’s could have channeled its childhood-imagination stream of consciousness into a genuinely compelling story without losing that free spirit at its core? Araki took thirteen goddamn years to figure out how to actually write, but the result is so goddamn entertaining it’s hard to care. Stone Ocean is peak Jojo’s, and until Steel Ball Run comes along to show us anime-onlys why it’s apparently the single greatest work of art to ever exist, Jolyne Cujoh will remain the queen of this ridiculous franchise for quite some time to come.

[mysterycharacterflowers]

A bouquet of azalea, red calla lily, thistle and amaranthus (love-lies-bleeding) VS Tartarian Aster

First, let's talk about the bouquet of azalea, red calla lily, thistle and amaranthus (love-lies-bleeding)

Meaning and why these flowers were chosen: Firstly, azalea, because it’s famously toxic and thus has been used as a death threat [...]. This fits my guy because he’s killed a vast number of people, and because his appearance and presence are generally threatening. But [...] it also symbolizes temperance, abundance, fragile or held-back passion, and prudence, which better suits his actual personality, as he’s a careful, reserved, thoughtful person with an abundance of intelligence; with the symbolism about passion, the only person he’s loved romantically he didn’t ultimately pursue or have a chance with, and even familial love for him tends to be an understated thing. Calla lily, because it symbolizes death and so does he, and because it also symbolizes rebirth and, from the right perspective, he’s certainly been reborn a couple times. I’d specifically go with red calla lilies, since those also symbolize determination and he is nothing if not devoted to his goals when it counts. Thistle, because it symbolizes pain, which he has both endured a lot of and dealt out a lot of; aggression, which for a while overtook him; and protection from evil, which he always does his best to provide. Amaranthus (love-lies-bleeding), because it can symbolize hopelessness and he spent quite a bit of his life full of despair; it also symbolizes immortality and he more or less has that Description: He’s an earnest, downtrodden person who tried to turn away from his ‘normal’ life because of something horrible that happened to his loved ones, but then once he came back into action, it turned into a long journey as far downhill as he could be pushed. He spent years half out of his mind [...] During this time, even those who might have considered him a friend before quickly considered him a lost cause and generally dehumanized him, which is even worse because their perspective there was understandable. He’s often very critical, and doesn’t necessarily know where to stop; he’s always been intense, and people are usually uncomfortable around him, whether it’s justified or not. He’s as moral a person as he can be—he’s not exactly anti-murder, but he has high standards, when he’s his usual self—and as practical as he can bear to be. He almost killed a (technical) family member once, but on the other hand he also helped them kill a personification of a cosmic force, so it balances out, right? He’s a weird mix of straightforward and mysterious, and an absolute icon of creepy good. He’s alive against all odds and extremely tired to a magical degree. He’s also, at least implicitly, in a lot of pain due to some murders. Physical pain, that is.

Check his post here for the full description

Now, let's talk about the Tartarian Aster

Meaning and why this picture was chosen: It means 'I wont forget you' which is DEEPLY on brand for her character. This is for two major reasons, the space yuri plot with the reincarnation thing that ends with them having to go separate ways to save the universe from imploding, and the fact that a lot of her actions a based on her mourning and canon severe complex PTSD. Description: - Extremely PTSD-riddled 20-something STEM major plagued by emails. - Grieving a lot of people and Really Going Through It but still manages to teeth-grit hold onto hope for the future. - Space lesbian subtext. - Friends include some space frat boys, her male workwife, a character that looks like every letter of the LGBT+ at once, and several robots. - Enjoys playing video games

Check her post here

[thatgirlonstage]

I am so very possibly kicking a hornet’s nest with this and may regret posting it immediately but

For being The Fandoms Website it’s kind of shocking to me how often posts here advocating for indie art *over and instead of* mainstream/big budget stuff just ignore the fact that part of the draw of art is that it’s communal.

I recognize and agree with the fact that by far some of the most interesting, boundary-pushing, insightful and incisive and bold art comes out of the indie scene. I think socially we ought to give indie artists more support and incentives, culturally we ought to be unafraid of sharing and talking about and recommending and creating transformative work of the weird niche indie projects that we find. I am all for support of indie artists in every way we can give it to them.

But if you accompany your pitch for indie art with “delete your Netflix and Amazon prime and never go to a major Hollywood movie ever again or you’re a bad person who doesn’t actually support indie artists at all” that’s… not helpful. Because while sometimes you may watch or read or listen to something purely for your own enjoyment and artistic fulfillment, it’s so often also about how art is a Fun Thing To Do With Your Friends Who Also Like The Thing. And yes, sometimes you can get your friends into the niche indie thing too, and that’s awesome!! But sometimes you don’t have friends who are into the subject matter of the niche indie thing, or the one friend you have who would be into it is in the middle of law school and isn’t going to be able to read anything for fun for the next two years, or they have brainworms and The Time Isn’t Right To Try This Thing, or… there’s a lot of ways that you end up the only person you know who’s read or watched The Thing, and trying to dig for fellow fans online nets you two pieces of fanart from five years ago and a single total stranger who you don’t really vibe with or want to talk to. If this is the only way you experience art, it will get so lonely so fast.

In contrast, if you’re watching The New Hit Show on HBO or Amazon or wherever, that’s water cooler talk. That gives you something in common with your coworkers or classmates or the guy at the front desk. If you’re watching the season’s most popular anime or reading the Hugo-sweeping new fantasy series, that might be less well known to random people in your life, but it’s very very easy to find communities online with your choice of people to talk to and hang out with and make new friends with.

I’m not saying you should engage with all popular media with no sense of comparison or scale. If something pushes particularly heinous messaging or had exceptionally bad labor practices or something else that crosses a line, by all means stay away from it and encourage others to do so. And please believe me when I say I am entirely and furiously aware that artists have been getting fucked over by corporations since forever and—particularly with everything happening with AI—it’s only getting worse. I don’t think our current state of affairs is good. I just don’t think acting like someone is irredeemably soulless because they still watch every MCU movie in theaters is helping it get better.

Support and pitch indie artists everywhere, always. Just please also have some compassion for the fact that people wanting to read/watch the popular thing isn’t just FOMO or boot-licking devotion to a corporation—it’s about wanting to share joy and excitement and fun through art with other people. Which is truly about the most human desire I can think of.

[crazycatsiren]

For the anon who felt wrong about her manifestion - i felt like sharing a little story of my own experience . When I was 16 I fell for someone really hard they were my crush for long time at that point and after seeing them in public transfort I felt sudden pang ( yeah young and naive) . So I did something similar . I used some way and kind of told it to my divine deity I used to worship that time . Kinda prayed and did many things for him for months . Finally after few months later I received a friend request on fb . Ignoring all the reg flag I started to fall for that guy eventually he resiprocated the love . We were together for almost 3 and half years and those 3 years were the worse year of my life . When a young family member of mine died my mental health went to the hell and that person only contributed to the down fall of it . Untill finally they decided to finally leave during my worst time . It took me 2 years to deal with life and I came out as a changed person . I became more in touch with my self . My idea of divine universe became much clear and I found little bit of peace and divine love within my self . Few years back I did get readings from 2 different readers about them and they both said it was karmic relationship his presence was import to lead me to my current path . So don't try to be so harsh on yourself . Maybe this learning lesson was important for you to your devotional journey. Take it as something universe wanted it for you . Yes you made mistake but but learned from it and now you are trying to make it right . We all make mistakes that's a part of being human . Your intention weren't malefic in the being you were just young and uneducated on this topic . So try to forgive yourself better and do what you can do . Just be kind to yourself . Remember you are the first home your soul chose in this life time . Take care of it , take care of yourself . It will be okay .

We were all young and didn't know better at one point. I did my share of foolish things in my teenage years. The important part is growing and learning and doing better.