#they are the world's lamest vampires. to me.

[starthelostboys]

i think that the lost boys just watch a bunch of vampire movies and then emulate any behavior that they think is cool. they're whole "mysterious vampire" vibe is actually carefully pieced together from the hunger and episodes of dark shadows.

[royaltrios]

wyll voice as soon as his approval gets above neutral the wedding is back on

[darlincollins]

HELLO HELLO, I am back! Do I come bearing updates on the many fics I left abandoned? No, but instead have an incomplete snippet from an AU I was writing where Darlin is raised by the Solaire clan that i lost motivation for but maybe will return to sometime; in this scene Sam meets a menace of a teenaged wolf and Vincent is plagued by his annoying little sibling, the aforementioned menace wolf:

The smell of blood awakens him- dangerous, jubilant, and so alive he forgets for a moment that he's dead. Fangs shoot out before he's even opened his eyes, eager to dig into flesh and cut into veins. Squeezing his eyes tight enough that staticky stars dance behind his eyelids, he wills them away. They ignore him, his feeble mental plea drowned out by urgent hunger. He hasn't eaten since that fucking dinner, hasn't sated this new hunger no matter how many bags of blood he's been brought, and his body is mutinying.

Accepting this defeat, Sam peels his eyes open, squinting into the dark room he's occupied for the past four days. The first thing he notices are the boots- big, black platform combat boots unceremoniously plunked on the bed near his shoulder. His eyes, immediately acclimating to the lack of light with an unnatural ease that disgusts him, follow the shape of the boots up to the face of their owner.

A kid sits in the chair by the bed, mashing buttons on a game device whose weak light illuminates the scowl on their face. Messy hair falls into their eyes, and they impatiently shake their head, temporarily exposing-

The pulse of their jugular vein beats like a hammer in Sam's chest, fangs aching, his entire body tense like a live wire, ready to pounce, and why why why the FUCK would they bring a defenseless child into this room-

"FUCK my fucking life!" The kid snaps, snarling at the game in their hands viciously enough that it cuts through the haze of hunger and panic clouding Sam's mind, and something instinctive makes the back of his neck tickle with the awareness of another predator in the room.

A wolf, he thinks, as the kid turns eyes too luminous to be human from their screen to his face, registering his consciousness despite the fact that he hasn't moved. But still, even a shifter is surely no match for the *thing* he is now-

"Oh. You're alive."

They sound unaffected by this revelation in a way that Sam feels distantly that he should be offended by.

"Sort of," he croaks, voice rusty from disuse and thirst. He can't quite force his eyes away from the place where their blood sings the loudest. "You should- you have to leave. It's dangerous-"

The kid snorts, slouching further in the chair. "No offense, but you really couldn't take me right now. You look like a melted candlestick."

Sam grits his teeth, fangs digging uncomfortably into his lower lip. He counts to ten. Even on a full stomach, without his entire body remaking itself on a cellular level, he isn't the most patient person in the world. "Listen-"

"So how long are you gonna keep up the hunger strike for?"

Sam wonders if he's already died, if this is hell and his eternal punishment is being continuously interrupted by a mouthy teenager. "What?"

"Like, you know you can't un-vampire yourself, right?"

"I am not trying-"

"They're not going to let you out until you have something to drink, you know. You'd be, like, the saddest and lamest public safety hazard ever, but still."

[Etc etc etc, 13 year old Darlin has no time or patience for silly little things like existential crises or moral codes and is kind of a dick about it, Vincent eventually comes to check on Sam]

[unfinished below, dialogue only]

"You brat! What did I tell you about coming in here? Sam, I'm so sorry-"

"Yeah, Sammy boy, sorry for existing in your presence, clearly you're super busy- OW- fucking- don't shush me-"

"Insensitive little- shouldn't you be doing your homework?"

"Shouldn't you be making out with a mannequin at the Hot Topic?"

"I'm telling William that you are harassing a convalescing man and being a truant from homeschooling, which by the way, should not be possible!"

"Aren't you, like, fifty? And still a tattletale, sad."

[butcharondir]

i understand why people hate bill as a character but i dont. like he is just so fucking funny to me. he is a 150-year-old vampire who is also the lamest person to ever exist. he's not like other vampires until he experiences even the slightest bit of peer pressure, at which point he becomes the most depraved lunatic in the world. he's a terrible father. he recycles.

[dgalerab]

i think that my friends should just periodically be like "hey ain got anything to show us" so that i can start pulling all my wips out of my pockets without me having to be like haha sooooo. can i show you the latest progress on this art piece. it's not done and i'll show you many more times but uhhhhhhhhh please give me permission like the world's lamest wip vampire

[hey-hamlet]

Hi! You made me cry

I’m a little sorry! 

Thats a lie I’m probably not. 

[theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin]

When I saw 'Romanians' mentioned in your last post I had a wtf moment cause I have only watched the movies and I don't think I've ever noticed their existence. Regardless, I just had to read the wiki page and it is hillarious to me cause coincidence or not they seem to be named after the psychopathic ruler 'Vlad the impaler' and his cousin 'Stefan the great'(he might have murdered more people than his cousin known as the impaler, but you know he is great). Also, what do you think of them? Sorry for the rant...

You have no idea what you’ve unleashed.

I love the Romanians because they are, hands down, the trashiest, weirdest, lamest, loser vampires in Twilight canon. 

Just, these two are so hilariously beautiful.

First off, while Meyer undoubtedly named them with Vlad Tepish and Stefan the Great in mind, the Romanians are actually much older. We don’t have exact dates, but we know the Romanians (then presumably the Dacians), held great power over their territory for a thousand years before the Volturi had truly established themselves. After the Volturi took on and won against Amun’s coven in Egypt (and took the grateful Demetri off Amun’s hands making Amun still bitter thousands of years later) they waged war against the Romanians and won. (Vlad and Stefan are still very bitter but give us the silver lining of “oh yeah, well, we’re only partly petrified. SO TAKE THAT STUPID VOLTURI!”)

Vlad, Stefan, and Vlad’s wife were the only survivors. The Romanians, being one of the most evil and trashy covens in Twilight, decided to take on Volterra by amassing an army of 100 vampires. Hilariously, they had poor timing, this is a decade after Aro acquired Jane and Alec. The entire army is defeated in a second, Vlad’s wife is murdered, and by 810 AD, it’s just Vlad and Stefan.

They’ve remained losers the Volturi don’t take seriously ever since. Every decade, Demetri pays them a visit to remind them that yes, the Volturi does remember them and can find them any time they want to. Even more hilariously, Vlad and Stefan take this very seriously, and are constantly on the run from the Volturi, never aware that the Volturi actually don’t care. At all. 

Point being, given these guys, first it’s entirely likely their original names are not Vlad and Stefan. We see many of the vampires of the ancient world periodically change their name. We have Chelsea and Demetri, who are canonically acknowledged as having done this. Given when and where they were born, we can assume Marcus and Caius were not originally Marcus and Caius. Similarly, we can assume Aro’s name was originally far longer as well.

None the less, it would be just like these two to name themselves after these Romanian human warlords, one of whom serves and the inspiration for the modern vampire myth in Europe. And then, insist, of course, that the human rulers were actually named after Vlad and Stefan, because the humans still worship them, you know.

They’re going to be back on top any day now, you’ll see. 

That’s another thing worth getting into. The Romanians are evil. I’m not exaggerating this, of all the vampires in Twilight, they are the most appalling (and this is including James, Maria and the southern war lords, Joham... well not Joham, he’s a special brand of evil). These guys had a thousand year reign of terror in Dacia. Humans were butchered seemingly by entire villages, they made humans their slaves and demanded worship and sacrifice. When the humans periodically tried to overthrow them, they slaughtered them all, presumably placed their heads on spikes, and used them to taunt those few surviving humans.

When they lost power, they made an army a hundred vampires strong, which given what we see of the newborns in Seattle (who were only around twenty and still far too large to control), probably wiped out several large settlements in eastern Europe. Didn’t matter, just as long as they got rid of the Volturi.

And they miss those glory days dearly.

They actively reminisce about in Breaking Dawn to an oblivious Bella, who is just so happy these very important and impressive Europeans are here to help her beautiful daughter and so impressed they they’ve been fighting the corrupt Volturi for thousands of years (which is another bit of hilarity we’ll get into). You know, when/if the Volturi fall, the Romanians will be the first in line to rape the women and enslave us all. Good times, good times.

But back to them being trash people.

Vlad and Stefan are utterly destitute, their entire coven is destroyed, and yet they still insist they’re a Big Fucking Deal. Not only that, but just their every action is beyond weird. They talk in unison like Fred and George Weasley, they’re these ridiculously tiny men dressed as stereotypical vampires, and they show up out of nowhere on your doorstep saying, “So, hear you’re starting an insurrection against Volterra, Carlisle, we want in” (While Carlisle, I’m sure, just dies a thousand times inside). 

They then talk to Bella all about how they fight the corruption of the Volturi. What is the corruption, you ask? Well, the Volturi drove them out of their kingdom and liberated the human slaves. Then they imposed this stupid law where you couldn’t eat humans in broad daylight. Then when the Romanians tried to invade Italy they killed them all.

The Romanians will expose the Volturi’s crimes here and now. They stand for justice, peace, and Renezel--Renpunz--Renesmee. (The Romanians decidedly do not come for Renesmee, they hear about Carlisle’s army through the vampire European rumor mill, which just shows how out of hand it all got because now Carlisle’s amassing an army to protect the immortal child his son made. They show 0 interest in Renesmee.)

They give me serious McPoyle vibes.

More, beautifully, everything they touch becomes tainted.

Laurent, another beautiful loser character, starts life as a French courtier in Versailles. When he’s turned into a vampire, he assumes the vampire world works like Versailles. It works nothing like Versailles.

He seeks out those vampires with the greatest power.

Well, vampires in general are cannibalistic homeless nomads who care nothing for power.

This brings him, beautifully, to the Romanians. They insist to Laurent they’re super cool and powerful, Laurent believes them, but either Laurent eventually clues in or realizes something’s not right here. So, he goes to seek out the real power, the Volturi.

Unfortunately, Laurent is a loser, the Volturi is not court, and Aro has no need for some lackey trying to get in his good graces. Plus, Laurent hung out willingly with Vlad and Stefan. And anyone who does that...

So, Aro goes, “Ew, no, leave.”

Laurent is convinced, even when canon rolls around and he’s sunk so low as to hang out with James and Victoria (also loser vampires), that Aro will call him back any day now.

Aro never does. Laurent is eaten by untrained sixteen-year-old shape shifters.

But yes, point being, I imagine that in this modern era the Romanians would have a Go Fund Me for purchasing the blow torches they’ll use to destroy the Volturi once and for all. They also have a YouTube channel which is unintentionally dungeon porn, in which they cover their heads in bags so as not to be recognized, and talk about the good old days in thick Romanian accents. It’s a very popular YouTube channel, nobody understands why they wear so much body glitter.

Oh, right, Bella.

Bella is so beautiful with these guys. So, in Breaking Dawn, Bella actually takes the Romanians seriously. They’re all I describe above and more, they’re not hiding it, they’re full McPoyle (including the taking over the world built). Jake even tells Bella he finds them weird as hell. Bella thinks they’re great.

No, really, she thinks they’re great.

They tell her how they enslaved all the people in their territory, demanded tithes, and would eagerly do so again as soon as they get the chance and she stares at them with wide eyes and thinks about how cool all these vampires who came for precious Renesmee are. (Which, funnily, they actually all came either for Carlisle, because he has a billion friends everywhere, or else as a power grab like the Romanians, or both in Amun’s case. It’s the weirdest, most beautiful, mixture of people.)

Bella has her moments, but loving the Romanians has got to be a top ten for her. My explanation is that she’s so high on vampirism and Renesmee that this is all just great for her. LIFE IS WONDERFUL!

EDIT: I could no longer abide my spelling mistakes, I also edited a bit for cleanliness.

[theowritesfiction]

Having finished S2 of btvs, here are some more spicy takes.

Overally, I really enjoyed how the drama was built up over the later stages of S2. It definitely took some of the characters to very dark places, in a very impactful way.

That said there were some things that annoyed me. As a writer myself, I simply found the whole one true moment of happiness deeply embarrassing and contrived plot element. I would have appreciated Evil Angel a lot more if he had lost his soul in another way. Him becoming evil because he got laid, I’m not sure I like the broader implications of that.

Also, I just plain don’t think Angel made a good or interesting villain. He had a plan which led to the factory burned down and his face smashed by Buffy. Raising Acathla wasn’t really something that was Angel’s plan, it was dropped into his lap. The rest of the time he was being the lamest kind of evil: Petty Evil. Killing Willow’s fishes, how very impressive. I’m surprised he didn’t pee in Buffy’s flowerpot to kill her petunias. Even the flashbacks didn’t work for me. Let’s summarize. This guy was obnoxious before turned. As a soulless vampire, he’s almost comically over the top petty evil compared to other soulless vamps. Even when he had a soul, he wallowed in trash before deciding that he’s going to ‘help’ Buffy which mostly just meant creepy stalking. It seems that the only thing that keeps this guy on the straight and narrow is the promise of pussy. Real nice.

My hate&hate relationship with Xander continues lol. I have very little idea about the whole metaverse of Buffy, but if I didn’t know any better, I would assume that Xander is almost like a self-insert of Joss Whedon. The amount of stuff Xander constantly gets away with is just so frustrating. I’ve noticed that I usually tend to hate on male characters a lot more, but I feel like it’s justified for these two. On the flipside, I think Spike in just out of this world awesome, I have no problems with Oz or Giles – even if I think there are better examples of stereotypical awkward British librarian.

Obviously I love Buffy, Wil and Cordy. I loved Willow’s growth towards the end of the season. I love the way Cordy acts like the raging id of the group and most of the time just blurts out what everyone else is thinking, queen <3 Oh yeah, and as a proof that I don’t just hate on the men, Buffy’s mom... not to speak ill of the dead *cough*, but... wow, grade A parenting throughout most of the season, love the trust she places in Buffy... not.

Can’t wait to start S3 because obviously I know what’s coming <3 <3 <3

[radramblog]

Eldritch Moon my beloved

I think most Magic players are going to have a favourite set. Often that’s going to be one they started playing with, or one that really got them into the game, or one that had a limited or standard format they really enjoyed. A lot of people won’t, and that’s okay, they’re allowed, it’s hard to pick favourites sometimes.

But for me, it’s Eldritch Moon, aka the last time we went to Innistrad, and things got a bit more tentacular.

Eldritch Moon had a lot working against it from the get-go.

The Shadows block immediately followed the Battle for Zendikar block, one which a lot of people Didn’t Like. Whether it be for some of the more questionable art direction, for the relatively weak cards and boring parasitic mechanics, and for arguably some of the lamest story the game has had to date. More relevantly, though, it was a pair of sets where a fan-favourite plane was essentially dominated by squid monsters and lost a lot of its unique identity in the process- gone was the fun D&D-esque adventure world, replaced by stark wastelands and a war story with like one good story article. It’s the Tazri one.

And then the next set was Shadows over Innistrad. Another return to a fan-favourite plane, with a huge mystery being built up as to why everything was going to shit again. Why Avacyn and her angels were turning on humanity, why there are all these funky stones everywhere, what exactly Nahiri was doing fucking around on the plane of someone she apparently doesn’t like very much.

There were cryptic hints in the set itself. Its title is a reference to the Lovecraft story, Shadows over Innsmouth, with a fair few cards alluding to the story itself. A few cards did have subtle tentacles in the art, as well as subtle warping of flesh and world. The most damning clue came in the form of a puzzle regarding different flavour texts for the card Tamiyo’s Journal, which gave a particular phrase- “Remember this: they came as three”- flavour text from a Battle for Zendikar card referring to the three Eldrazi Titans, only two of which had been dealt with in that story.

Despite this, people still denied that this was the plot-to-be. There were still rumours that it was somehow Marit Lage again after all this time, or that the threat was a new one, or that it was somehow the Gitrog Monster’s fault. Personally, I wanted to believe this, and desperately didn’t want the next set to be Eldrazi-themed- I’d gotten pretty sick of them from BfZ and OGW and was very much enjoying all the new Werewolves and Madness cards and Delirium mechanic. This was at the point where I was drafting at FNM weekly, and the fun differential between the two blocks was stark.

But of course, the mystery was revealed. It was old god Emrakul the whoooole time! Quelle fucking surprise. And yet it ended up being significantly better than the previous block, for a number of reasons.

Firstly, the story is just kind of better. We get to see distinctly through the cards and the plot how the influence of Emrakul has affected the regular citizens of Innistrad, and how all its various factions- the Church, the vampire manors, the packs of werewolves, et cetera- were all twisted in her visage. We get to see the desperate fight against them, with all these gothic horrors warring against eldritch horrors, and against themselves. And we get both Jace doing some surreal journey-to-the-centre-of-the-mind shit while Liliana gets to be the hero and Tamiyo gives us an ending that raises more questions than it answers.

Also, Sorin gets stuck in a rock. Fuck that guy, Nahiri was always cooler, and fuck War of the Spark for apparently just having them make up off screen.

Secondly, the cards. Flavourwise, the three Eldrazi Titans’ corrupting influence manifests differently for each- Ulamog consumes and drains the world, Kozilek corrupts the mind and wreaks havoc on space, and Emrakul? As we see, Emrakul twists flesh into new and horrifying shapes, that the set’s cards display in loving and disgusting detail. While Ulamog and Kozilek’s drones were clearly a part of themselves, the Eldrazi of Innistrad all used to be something much more reasonable before Emrakul made it to the plane.

There are three types of Eldrazi in this set. Firstly- the transform mechanic from Innistrads previous has been played with to suit the needs of the flavour. With the exception of Ulrich, every single double-faced card represents a creature from the world, be it Human or Werewolf or otherwise, that is touched by Emrakul and makes a permanent transformation into something else. There’re masses of limbs, shapes echoing Emrakul herself, and flesh in configurations that Should Not Be. The shift on every card is stark, and in every case, you have to actively put in effort to push them over the edge- and off a cliff which they cannot come back from. This is especially true with the Meld mechanic, with the cards fusing into this giant monstrosity that literally dwarfs every other card on the table.

The next type of EMN-drazi is the Emerge creatures. The mechanic was extremely fun, almost all the cards were eminently playable in at least one format (mostly just limited), and the art is spooky. The flavour of some guy on your table getting fucking chestbursted and having fucking Elder Deep-Fiend pop out is incredible, and each is a great way of showing how the regular fauna of the plane (and flora, like, I think Lashweed Lurker is a plant or something) are mutating in response to the creature’s presence.

Finally, there’s the cards that make 3/2 Eldrazi Horror tokens. There’s less of these and they’re less intense, but by and large they’re a representation of the regular people being affected by the whole thing. Just about every card that makes one of these involves a creature dying in some way (Desperate Sentry, Otherworldly Outburst) or being spawned by an existing mass of flesh (Hanweir, Howling Chorus), and it gives this sense that everybody is affected by this effect.

Of course, that was also a thing in Battle for Zendikar block. The whole thing was Eldrazi, Eldrazi, Eldrazi, with even vanilla 4/3 worms having something to say about fighting them. They key difference of Eldritch Moon is that the flavour of the world is still preserved outside of this Eldrazi presence.

What I’m saying is- the gothic horror of Innistrad is still present despite the eldritch horror of the set’s antagonist. There’s still a corrupt and violent church (albeit with a few more tentacles now), there are still cults and Frankenstein zombies and vampires and werewolves. Innistrad’s tone is compatible enough with the Eldrazi’s that the combination enhances the two rather than diminishes them.

The final thing I want to say is just- the set’s really fun. It has a bunch of my favourite classic limited cards- Thermo-Alchemist, Ulvenwald Captive, and Boon of Emrakul- along with multi-format all-stars like Grim Flayer and Collective Brutality. It has big potential get-there moments with the Meld cards and some of the flip Eldrazi, and splashy interesting cards like Emrakul herself and Harmless Offering. The set drips with flavour that enhances the gameplay, with very little wasted space.

It’s a set I only really have two complaints about. Firstly- lol Ulrich isn’t good and wasn’t what basically any werewolf fan was after. And two- it suffers from an eternal issue that Magic only recently solved, in that it’s a Small Set with a pile of mechanics that it cannot possibly fully explore in its 200 or so cards. The biggest victim of this is Meld, as they could only fit 3 pairs in under the restraints of the set size. And that’s a real shame, considering that it’s a mechanic that we’re probably never seeing again, especially considering the recent Midnight Hunt. I really think there was a missed opportunity to not have a few leftover Eldrazi in that set- whatever happened to the Dronepack? Or the corrupted vampire houses? I suppose, though, that “I want more!” can be the best complaint a creator can get.

Eldritch Moon had big shoes to fill. However, in my eyes, it didn’t just fill those shoes. It filled them and kept filling them until its distended toes burst out the front and sides of the shoes and just kept growing, and bending in really weird ways, and I think I’ve lost the plot of this metaphor. It’s my favourite Magic set, and I don’t see that changing for a while.

[romancemoved]

10, 14, and 18!

✨ @ofgentleresolve. meme. still accepting!

10. Why do you write?

ngl im not gonna sit here and be like. emotional about it or anything about writing saving my life cuz its not that deep. i just write because i can. it’s just something to do! the moment i could sit at a desk, which was like 3 - 4 years old, my grandma and mom had flashcards and had me learn my abcs, all sorts of words, et cetera. my mom had a huuuuuuge book collection, all horror and i’d take her books and read them. i didnt understand what was going on. i wasnt even 6 yet. but i just like words. and i like writing and reading them <: )

i never asked for toys. every friday when i was little my grandma would take me to the dollar store to buy a pretty notebook and some gel pens or whatever cool pens i wanted. so between video games and reading, i’d just write. i’d write stories about magical princess warriors killing gods, super spies inspired by the spice girls, fashion forward vampires that wanted to take over the world with disco music.... just fun shit! ive always just been inclined towards multiple art forms in general and writing is one.

just somethin 2 do. u could say in my teen years writing poetry was a life saver but now its just like lol. im throwin words in a blender and doin whatever w. em!!

14. What is your opinion on writing smut?

i have not had a smut thread since 2018. virote’s had a dry spell of an active fuckthread for years.

its chill. im an adult w. no strong opinions on it lol.

18. What is one thing you’d wish to see more in the rp community?

people will use ‘ i owe no one nothing ’ as a cue to completely shirk the responsibility to communicating and i think its the lamest shit lol. while simultaneously complaining that the rpc has communication issues. u cant have both. yes you do owe people something. you owe them a basic line of communication. stop wasting other mfs time.

yes it’s just a hobby.

a hobby that involves active participation

what the fuck lol

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 211

211

Feeling Lance getting out of bed, Keith felt for his lover, Lance’s hand finding his after he’d half slapped him on the lower back

“Babe?”

“Getting a drink”

“Dun’ be too long”

“I won’t”

Coran was a bad loser. Pidge had annihilated him in Mario. Keith and Lance coming downstairs just as Coran started accusing Pidge of cheating. Five rematches later and Matt had taken the controller off Coran who started on a tangent about everything wrong with the game. To soothe the piece, Hunk suggested they do the cake now that Lance was awake to enjoy it.

Hunk had outdone himself with the cake. Keith had no words for how nicely decorated it was, nor did he have words for how big it was. As they were choosing not to know the sex of their twins, Hunk had used soft pastels to bring colour to the cake with fancy twirly things and edging that he didn’t know the name for. Comprised of three tiers, the top tier had two foot pints made from edible chocolate, coloured purple, circled by “Kogane-McClain Twins”. The second layer read congratulations. The third being just cute pastel icing. Had he not been embarrassed over his lack of baking knowledge, he probably would have asked Lance what all the decorations were properly called. The inside of the cake matched the outside. Pink, purple, blue, green, and yellow, comprising the layers with buttercream frosting between them.

Apparently their Sunshine Hunk couldn’t help himself, Lance crying on Hunk’s shoulder as he thanked him. Hunk crying on Lance’s shoulder as he assured him he knew he was grateful. Taking the top tier for themselves, they shared a plate, knowing there was no way there would be anything left once Matt and Rieva started. Having never eaten a “foot” before, Keith was impressed Hunk had managed to mould white chocolate so well. The man had skills. If he were to open a bakery, Keith’s bank balance wouldn’t be staying in the black very long.

After the cake came the presents. Their twins had to have a set a record for the most blankets and onesies. Lance kept saying they didn’t need anything else, everything making him cry... except for Shiro who would forever be the lamest big brother in history. Someone out there made custom onesies. Keith would like to meet them and strangle them. Four bloody onesies. Four bloody supernatural themed onesies that had passed Curtis’s tick of approval. Two vampire print and two werewolf print. Why did everything Shiro touched always have to come back to that? Curtis earned some point back with him by gifting them a box set of documentaries that he and Lance had watched half of when Curtis lived there.

Coran, now over his loss and perked up with sugar, gifted them herbal teas with a long lecture on which teas were best for which moods. Being tea, it all went through one ear and out the other. Allura’s gift of coffee made it clear she knew what a werewolf needed in his life, especially with the sleepless nights to come.

Krolia... Krolia’s gift was a set of tiny little blades for their twins. Keith confiscating them before his mother could get any ideas about training the twins to be hunters. That wasn’t the life they wanted for their kids. They wanted to watch them grow and explore the world, finding their own passions to chase. Lance politely thanked Krolia, but the look on his face said those blades were to disappear somewhere where their twins would never find them.

Shay had found “emo” baby blankets. Lance found them funny, as they reminded him of Keith. Keith couldn’t deny that they weren’t his favourite gift because they were kind of nifty with their black and white skull patterns and the green one had a really cool dragon pattern on it.

From Matt and Rieva, almost entirely most definitely Rieva’s idea, they were gifted a set of second hand Berenstain Bears books. She’d started secretly collecting when she’d found out Lance was pregnant. Mami gave a little help with the gift choice. Matt’s gift to them was taking Pidge home and spending a couple of days in Platt so they could have more alone time before the birth. Keith had a new favourite present.

Pidge drunkenly praising her skills over “suping up” the pram she’d gifted them. The thing now sporting wheels that “would make Lance’s dumb bronco cry in jealous”. Lance wasn’t sure about it all, but Pidge wouldn’t be dissuaded that the pram wasn’t now at its absolute best. Though no one argued with her directly about it, she was mid-rant when she threw up rather violently onto the rug. Krolia taking her to the bathroom, while Lance excused himself to throw up in the kitchen sink. Now there was two vomiting people, it was a mutual decision to start winding things up. Matt and Rieva in charge of getting a drunk Pidge home. Shay and Hunk also deciding maybe it was best to head off before Pidge came out the bathroom again. Their gremlin very loving and loud about it between throwing up and being soothed by Krolia. Coran and Allura were catching a ride back to Platt with Krolia, and with how green Shiro was looking, Keith sending them home.

Keith didn’t realise until everyone had left, that they’d been left with the mammoth task of cleaning everything up. Still, for all it’s ups and downs, it’d been a good party, though the pair of them did breathe a sigh of relief when silence descended over their home. Chores were done. Dishes washed. The rug scrubbed. Everything else outside could wait for another day as they climbed into bed together, both too sleepy for the night of promised passion. Lance still had moisturiser on his nose as kissed Keith goodnight. Keith smearing it out for him, thinking how lucky he was to have Lance... and how their friends had spent way too much money on them. He didn’t think he’d ever be used to such thoughtful gifts without waiting for a catch.

Dozing off, Lance’s spot was still empty when he woke up again. There were some nights was more out of their bed than in, but Keith couldn’t hear him in the bathroom. Trying not to panic, the werewolf climbed out from the mound of blankets on their bed. Most nights he’d find he’d kicked them off, too hot and too sweaty to sleep peacefully, like Lance did. Jogging over to the bathroom, he found it empty. Vaguely he remembered Lance saying he was his thirsty. If his fiancé’s insomnia had kicked in, then Lance was most probably sitting in the living room watching the TV on mute so Keith could get some sleep.

Sleepy and stumbly, Keith missed the bottom step of the stairs, hand flying out and denting the wall as he felt himself fall. Had the overwhelming scent of blood not been in the air, he might have paused to examine the damage he’d just done to the same spot Lance had repaired at least a dozen times since moving into his house

“Lance?! Babe?!”

Getting no answer from his fiancé, Keith’s heart started to race as his mind went to the worst possible situation. Lance could have slipped. He could be bleeding out. There was so much blood in the air, the werewolf’s stomach felt queasy.

Checking the rooms along the way, Kosmo had made himself at home in Matt’s and Rieva’s room, an interesting fact, though useless because Lance was on his mind. Reaching Lance’s office, the door was slightly open, the space illuminated by his computer screen. Flicking the light on, Lance hissed at him. Keith’s eyes widened in shock at the sight in front of him. Lance covered in blood. His fiancé hadn’t been kidding about being thirsty. Blood ran down his chin, and from his hands down his arms, not caring about how much of a mess he’d made feeding on blood bags he’d torn apart rather popping the cap on them. A quick count came to 8 bags scattered around Lance’s feet.

Watching Lance throw down the blood bag he’d just finished, the vampire tore into the next one, literally. His hands trying to push as much blood from the ripped bag down his throat as he could

“Babe? Babe, you feeling okay?”

Raising his head, Lance’s eyes were blank. That warm spark that always seemed to sparkly that just little bit bright for him was dull

“Babe?”

This couldn’t be good. Lance said he was thirsty. Not that he hadn’t fed in a year and was now making up for it. Keith felt revolted, and guilty for being revolted. His ego shocked into shutting up as they stared

“Baby, I think you’ve had enough blood. Here, let’s go back to bed? How does that sound?”

Lance didn’t reply. Keith forcing himself to slowly edge towards Lance. This was his Lance. His Lance wouldn’t savage him as he’d done with the blood bags. Nope. No. He was totally safe. Yep. Just a normal day in a vampire pregnancy. Nothing to see here

“Babe, come on, you’ve had enough for now”

Lance threw away the bag he’d drained, Keith using his speed to grab the bag he’d been going for out of reach. Watching the bag, Lance bared his bloodied fangs

“Baby, please. I know you’re in there. It’s me. It’s Keith. Come on, babe. Don’t let your ego push you aside”

Oh... oh. He was crying now. Keith didn’t know when that started. Had Lance not eating this much contributed to him feeling so ill? Was this how much blood a pregnant vampire needed in their final weeks of pregnancy? Placing the bag on the desk, Keith shifted the bags on the floor away with his foot, making it to crouching in front of Lance safely.

With shaking hands the werewolf reached out. His left hand going to Lance’s forehead as his right hand cupped his fiancé’s face. Blinking at him, Keith’s touch seemed to “wake” his lover. Warmth and confusion filling Lance’s eyes

“K-Keith?”

Looking down at his bloodied front, Lance’s gaze flicked back up, eyes welling with tears

“Wha... what happened?”

“You got a bit thirsty”

“But... h-how? The... party...?”

“The party ended hours ago, baby. You’re okay. You didn’t hurt anyone”

“I... I don’t remember”

The pain in Lance’s eyes was crushing

“Pidge started throwing up. Matt and Rieva took her home. Are you okay? You don’t feel warm”

“I don’t feel very good...”

“Okay. That’s okay. Do you think you can stand up?”

Lance went to look down his chest again, Keith holding his head up so he forced to look him in the eye

“You’re okay. It’s a just a bit of blood”

“I don’t remember”

“That’s okay. We were both exhausted when we went to bed. Just focus on me, baby. You can do that right?”

“I always focus on you”

Moving a stray lock of hair back, Keith gave Lance the best smile he could manage around his internal freak out

“Yeah, you do. You’re so good to me, babe. Let’s get you cleaned up and back into bed”

Lance nuzzled into his palm

“I’m sleepy”

Normally that much blood would turn Lance into an ego driven wanker

“I bet you are. You had a huge day and our friends are idiots. Let’s wash up, then we’ll snuggle”

Lance closed his eyes, sniffing sadly

“I’m sorry... I’m sorry I don’t remember coming down here...”

“That’s okay, baby. That’s okay. You’re okay”

*

Putting Lance to bed, Keith couldn’t sleep. Lance passed right out, but Keith was worried. Once the scent of blood had finally been cleaned away, a strange scent cling to Lance that left him feeling on edge. He didn’t like. The scent had him all muddled up inside, almost as if it’d given him a dose of adrenaline and he simply couldn’t sit still. Leaving his fiancé sleeping, Keith first headed to the bathroom to fetch Lance’s bloodied shirt and underwear, before heading downstairs. The one night he could have done with someone else there to tell him what to do, their house stood uselessly empty. Cleaning. That was about all he could do.

Crying as he scrubbed at the blood split in Lance’s office, he wondered how the heck he was supposed to deal with this. Lance had climbed into bed without prompting, even skipping getting in one last apology before zonking out. His fiancé needed his sleep, but should he have been waking him and taking him to Coran? Was he overreacting? It wasn’t like Lance had had a bleed, he’d checked when he’d towelled him down. Now that he was back to being himself, he’d been affectionate... but he couldn’t get the image of all that blood out of his head.

The torn bags thrown in the trash with Lance’s clothes, and the clothes from cleaning, the bin then dragged out to the road at Lance’s gateway for collection. Coming back to the house, Keith could hear Lance snoring, yet found himself unable to head upstairs with so much in his head. He needed coffee... and he really needed a fucking hug... Coffee at least was home and never failed at settling him, if he didn’t think about the times it had.

Settling himself on the edge of the sofa, Keith didn’t remember grabbing his phone when he’d left Lance sleeping. Kosmo coming quietly padding into the room, dropping himself to sit beside Keith’s legs with a soft whine

“I know. I’m worried about him too. Should I call Coran? Or am I thinking about this too much?”

He was so damn good at that. At his mind jumping to the worst case scenario. He’d always hate that about himself. He needed Shiro. They’d talked a little over lunch, but right now, Shiro was the only one he felt would understand his stupid fears. He loved Garrison, but the house felt so isolated that he felt truly alone. If the world outside had been destroyed, he’d be the last to know. God. He wanted his brother.

Resting his elbows on his knees, his right palm dug into his right eye as he held his phone with his left. The ringing continuing so long that he thought it’d ring out. It must have been the last ring when the call finally connected, Shiro’s voice groggy

“Keith?”

A fresh wave of tears hit. He’d woken his brother up...

“I’m sorry...”

In the background was the rustling of sheets, he picked up on the sound of the switch on Shiro’s lamp flicking on

“Hey, kiddo. What’s going on?”

What wasn’t going on...

“Keith? Hey... What happened? Is it Lance?”

“Shiro... I don’t know what to do”

Kosmo whined softly at his distress. Keith’s right hand moving to hug his best boy close

“I’m sure it’ll be okay. What happened?”

“I... I walked on him feeding... and there was so much blood. He was covered in blood. He wasn’t even... even aware of it. He didn’t remember coming down. I don’t know if he even remembers the party... I put him back to bed, but I don’t know what to do...”

In the background Curtis asked it was Keith, Shiro covering the bottom of his phone as he replied it was. Now he’d gone and disturbed Curtis too

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called...”

“Hey, no. No. You’re my little brother. I want you to rely on me. When you say you walked in on Lance, was he acting differently?”

“It was like he wasn’t even there. No. It was like I wasn’t there... He was so hungry...”

“Did he hurt you?”

“No. The moment he realised I was there he started panicking because he was covered in blood”

“How much blood are we talking about?”

“I threw out 10 bags... well, the remains of 10 bags. He tore into them as if he hadn’t eaten for ages”

In the background he heard Curtis asking for him to put Keith on speaker phone. He wanted to talk to his brother, not so much Curtis

“Hey, Keith. Does Lance have any other symptoms? Any bleeding? Changes in temperature?”

“No. No, I checked...”

“Okay. That’s a really good sign. Let him sleep for now. If his temperature drops or if he develops a fever, then call Coran”

Right. Curtis had originally been Lance’s babysitter. He didn’t doubt Curtis was lying to soothe him, but the curse would have handy right now

“Okay”

“Good. I know you’re worried about him, but he’s honestly better when you’re with him. I’ll let you get back to talking to Shiro, you don’t need me eavesdropping”

Keith instantly felt bad all over again. Shiro the one to the leave the bedroom, instead of Curtis as he told him to go back to sleep. A few moments passed before Keith heard the sounds of Shiro sitting on the sofa

“Sorry, kiddo. You know how much he likes Lance”

“I’m the one who’s sorry... I woke you up”

“Keith, you’re my brother. I’m glad I can here for you. What are you thinking?”

“That I could really use a hug right now”

“Oh, kiddo. This is Lance, he’ll be okay”

“But what if he’s not? He hasn’t been feeling well”

“I’m sure if it was serious he would have gone to Coran...”

“This him, he doesn’t want a fuss...”

Lance was so stupidly pigheaded about his desires not to be fussed over. He’d been so strong... now he was weakened

“Stop letting your head get the better of you”

“I didn’t say anything”

“I know you, kiddo. If he’s not better by the morning, bring him to Garrison. I know you’re going to worry yourself sick, but being there is the best thing you can do for him and your twins”

“Is... am I enough?”

“Keith, you’ll always be enough. He adores you. I might not have approved to begin with, but Lance has proven time and time again that he loves you. I know it’s tough, kiddo, but soon you’ll be father to your twins. You and Lance are going to get through this”

“God, I hope so...”

“You will. Now, get some rest. Lance is going to worry about you if look shitty in the morning”

“Lance always worries”

“Maybe we should get him a trophy for that?”

Keith gave a wet snort. If they were to do that, they’d constantly be trading the damn thing back and forth..

“Let’s not. Shiro... I’m worried for him”

“I know, kiddo. But this is Lance. He’s stronger than he looks. If he’s not better by morning, follow your gut instincts”

“I don’t know what my instincts are saying”

“They’re saying you’ll make the right call. Try to get some sleep”

“Yeah. I will... thanks, Shiro”

“Anytime, kiddo. Let me know it goes?”

“Yeah. I will”

Ending his call with Shiro, Keith tossed his phone to the other end of the sofa. Kosmo patiently sitting, still hugged close

“What do you think I should do?”

Trying to lick at his face, Kosmo wanted pats, not to be giving out life advice

“Yeah. I guess I’ll try get some sleep. The last two days have been a lot”

Training with Lotor. His talk with his mother. Seeing his father again. His talk with Lance. The party. Lance covered in blood. Yeah. He really should go to bed. If anything happened, he’d be there for Lance... hopefully making the right call in waiting until the morning.

[dancedelion]

Through the Desert

Genre: angst with a happy ending Word Count: 3458 Summary: Jaskier is hungry for the world - even before he flirts with the wrong woman and gets turned into a vampire. Jaskier is not a bard anymore, he is a creature. (And witchers kill creatures, don't they?) ao3: Through the Desert Each song is like dust on Jaskier's tongue. Jaskier walks around a little too quickly, like he is hastily trying to find a place to jump up and down, like the room is too small. Jaskier's voice goes down then up then higher and higher, like he's trying to find the place in his throat where he can scream. He looks over the people who are laughing and singing with him and who can't or don't want to see the way his jaw is clenched a little too tightly in between the singing. They know Jaskier, the bard, but they don't know him.

The crowd likes him. Here they are looking at him, clapping for him, here is everything, but the room is not roaring loudly enough.

He notices a woman to the side, who, unlike the other people, stares at him with purpose. Jaskier winks at her, tries to charm her with a smile, one that doesn't look too stilted.

It's the last song of his set, so he bows into the direction of the woman with a flourish, just before he wishes everyone a good night. He raises his eyebrow at the woman, like he's telling her maybe it will be a good night yet. She is still staring at him when everyone else has turned away.

Jaskier turns away from her and walks towards the bar, like it's a game. He feels her gaze in his neck.

It's not just a farce, he is thirsty, really thirsty, so he orders a pint of ale. Anything to feel better. Finally, the ale is in front of him and he takes a sip. But he chokes on it, chokes on dust, chokes on nothing.

“Are you alright?” Jaskier looks up at the honeyed voice, still coughing. The woman from before slides into the seat next to him.

“Splendid,” he says, once he's caught his breath and smirks, “now that you're here.” And here she is, everything about her an offer, from the way she is angled towards him to the suggestive tilt of her lips.

“I listened to your songs... Not bad.” “Oh? You liked them?” “Quite a lot.” “Then maybe I could interest you in a more... private,” he leans forward and says the last word quietly, “performance?” This is a duet he has sung a thousand times before.

“I'll lead the way,” she says.

He doesn't go with her because her hair flows like moonlight or because her eyes draw him in, but because he doesn't want to go back to his room in the tavern with the single bed.

He goes because he wants nothing and he wants it so, so badly. She grabs his hand and drags him out of the tavern.

“The woods?” Jaskier says. “That can't be comfortable.” “Oh,” the woman says smiling, “here I thought you were a strong gentleman able to protect a lady, but if you're scared...” “I'm not scared of anything,” Jaskier answers and it's more true than is healthy.

So he follows her into the woods, even though it's dark and he can barely see. But what else is he going to do, play the lute in his room? Get drunk again? Go to bed hungry?

She wants him and isn't that nice?

“Are you certain it's necessary to go this far?” he asks wearily. “I don't want any interruptions,” she says, her grip gentle around his fingers. Finally, she slows down and turns around to face him.

Jaskier lets out a sigh and leans in for a kiss. She turns her head just before he can meet her lips. Startled, he pulls back again. This time, she is grinning at him.

All teeth.

Pointy and sharp.

“Okay, I'll admit it,” Jaskier rasps, “now I am a little scared.”

He takes a small step back, but stumbles directly into – his head whips around – the hard chest of a man.

“Leaving so early?” the man says and grins, too. Teeth pointy, too. Kind of like... fangs. Oh Melitele. This is why Jaskier can never have nice things.

The man fixates his gaze on Jaskier's neck.

Why can't someone ever want him just for his charming conversation and nice company? (Here is the lesson learned.)

Jaskier doesn't have a weapon with him and he already knows he doesn't stand a chance.

He wishes Geralt were here.

He wishes he were a witcher and made for killing monsters like these ones. But he's just a bard - with his neck exposed.

“Now, now,” he says quickly, “let's not do anything hasty. I was only expecting one person, but I am amendable.” The man growls.

“No? Not into that? Yeah, me neither, it was a bad idea, I should just go.” He tries to step to the side, but the man catches his arms.

“Not so fast,” he snarls, right next to his ear.

Jaskier tries to struggle a little, but the man has an iron grip and his arms are pulled behind his back painfully. The woman steps closer, but Jaskier can barely see her in the moonlight.

He doesn't want to die so hungry, so, so hungry.

If a monster is going to kill him, it should be when he stupidly followed Geralt into a fight again, not here, not like this.

And then her teeth sink into his neck and she starts taking from him.

It's a lonely way to die.

It's Jaskier betting on the wrong horse again.

She is sucking his blood slowly and he just wants this over with. He wants to close his eyes. He wants to rest. He is torn between the urge to fill a vessel and the urge to destroy it.

He can feel himself growing weaker, becoming more empty. Not like something is missing, but like he's spread thin.

“Hurry up,” the man says.

“No, I want to make this one last,” the woman replies against the bruised skin of his neck.

So on the upside of things, at least his blood is tasty.

Spots of light show up at he edge of his vision. His knees give out and it's just the man holding him up. Not a man, probably. A creature.

He imagines Geralt coming through the village and finding a contract. Tracking the vampires. Finding his corpse. And that thought hurts more than anything else.

Suddenly, there are more teeth in his mouth, too many to be comfortable. Suddenly, he doesn't feel weak anymore. His vision sharpens.

It's two against one. He doesn't have a grip on this strength, he doesn't even know what it is or where it comes from. It's uncontrollable. He's injured, he has little blood for a human.

But it's a lot for a vampire.

And most importantly, he has nothing left to lose.

He snaps forward so suddenly that neither of them see it coming and he can escape from the tight grip of the vampire. He is at her neck so quickly, she can't twist away. He bites down hard and then rips.

She makes a gurgling noise, and he draws away quickly, keeping his eyes on them.

“Fuck,” the other vampire says. All of his attention is on the woman.

So Jaskier turns and runs, faster than he's ever run before.

All Jaskier wants is to stop wanting. But now it roars in his stomach louder than ever before. He runs first to get away and then just to run.

He slows down miles away, finally out of breath. He's never been this cold, he's never been this scared.

He's somewhere in the forest and he doesn't know where and he's all alone and Geralt didn't save him.

Jaskier can suddenly see everything, the tall trees and each leaf, he can hear each rustle, each breath, each chirp. It's the world through different eyes and too much of it. In front of him, there is a lake and Jaskier steps toward it. In the moonlight, his reflection shines. His eyes are red, whether from bloodshot or just general vampirism, he doesn't know. On the pale skin, there is the bruise, bad but not fatal, but he has lost too much blood and he shouldn't be able to see anything in the darkness.

“Oh fun,” Jaskier says weakly, “I'm dead.”

A vampire. How fucking cliché.

It could have been something more mysterious, more interesting. This is too on-the-nose. It's the lamest monster to be. He's gonna dramatize in the ballad.

Jaskier turns around, at the trees and trees. There is no village to be seen. He doesn't know where he left his lute. And he is hungry in a way he has never been before.

Huh. Maybe there won't be a ballad.

(He has to get better at being dead. Dead people don't write songs.) (There is no end of the line anymore. There is no reason to head to the coast.) He turns around suddenly, erratically, has a feeling there's someone behind him. There is no one behind him. He paces back and forth and back again.

The woman had behaved so suspiciously, what a stupid way to die. Just wait until I tell Geralt about this. Except Jaskier is a vampire. And Geralt is a witcher.

And if they ever meet again... that'll be that.

Maybe that should be that.

Maybe he's already lost everything there is to lose.

Jaskier tears at his hair and there's no one here and Geralt is not here and he screams and he screams until his throat is raw and then a little longer.

*** Death is the opposite of rest.

Jaskier roams the woods, desperately, until the hunger tears his stomach apart. Rabbits are quick, always too quick for him, but now he is quicker.

He has eaten a rabbit, but never drunk one before. He was human before.

But he is used to being hungry. Has the monster always been there, lurking, waiting, until the rest of his humanity was stripped away?

He is not a bard anymore. He is nothing but hunger. Teeth and blood. One who brings death or maybe death itself.

Somewhere in a tavern, there must be the man he used to be, but he doesn't go looking.

He is waiting for something, only there is nothing to wait for anymore, nothing to satisfy. There are too many teeth in his mouth and there is too much blood on his fingers.

He is not Jaskier. He is a creature. He is someone tearing himself apart from the inside.

He doesn't sing.

*** The creature sleeps, but never restfully. It tosses and turns and dreams of teeth in its neck and a man on a mountain with razor-sharp words. But even in its sleep, it hears too much. It jerks awake at the footsteps.

It blinks and sees too much in the darkness. At least ten Nilfgaardian soldiers approach it in the clearing. They are here for him, but there is no him, only it, and it has too many teeth. And they have swords but they are not as quick as it is.

Here I am, dead, why don't you join me?

It snaps two necks before anyone can even touch it. It kills like it was born to do it, because it was, just about a month ago. But they have it surrounded and there is nowhere to run except over bodies that are still breathing so far.

The third one stabs his sword somewhere in its abdomen, but it's not lethal. It doesn't know where it is lethal anymore. How do you kill a vampire? Separate head from throat? Lethal, that. Wooden stake? Silver, for monsters? But the soldiers only have steel and steel doesn't stop it. Pain doesn't stop it. It tears through another two of them with its bare fingers and strength it didn't know it had. It is tackled to the floor, the ground hard and solid beneath its back. It closes its eyes and keeps going because even after all it still wants. Half a dozen bodies on it, crushing it, but it keeps going in the way a monster does, with every fiber of its being. With teeth, fists, legs, too.

Another wound in its leg, one in its arm, one just below its heart.

Finally, it gets grip of one of the swords and yanks and slices and three heads fall and must be lethal, that. It's still, then. With the last of its strength, it drags two bodies square over it off of it. It smells like blood so strongly and it is disgusted with wanting and it needs to get away.

It gets up on shaky legs, bodies to the right of it and to the left of it and everywhere and is this its life now? The empty eyes of the soldiers stare up at it and it doesn't close them because it won't let them rest. Oh. A heartbeat. One so slow it didn't notice it before. It straightens its back and turns around slowly, bleeding from at least four stab wounds, blood trickling into its eyelid.

Man on a mountain, razor-sharp words.

Creature on a mountain, razor-sharp teeth.

“Geralt,” it says. It is absolutely exhausted. “Fancy meeting you here.” It nods to the bodies.

“You're a little late to the party,” it continues. It's so tired. Geralt's hair glistens silver in the moonlight, and so do his swords. One of them silver. For monsters.

“I don't suppose there's a chance you'll ignore that giant pile of bodies behind me,” it keeps talking because it always talks or at least it used to. And this – maybe this is a way to die, maybe this is not lonely.

“Jaskier,” the witcher says.

“Oh no,” answers the creature. “Jaskier died a month ago.”

The witcher steps closer, carefully maneuvers around the bodies. The creature doesn't flinch. And it won't run. And it's not scared. (It's never scared when it should be.) “Jaskier,” Geralt says.

There might be tears on its face, but probably not, because vampires don't cry, do they? There is something deeply violent inside of it and maybe it would be better to snuff it out.

“Jaskier,” Geralt repeats like it's the only thing he knows how to say.

“Stop -”

It can't speak because it is crying and it is interrupted by a chocked out sob.

“Stop calling me that.” Geralt is too close. And too far.

“Jaskier,” Geralt says quietly.

Jaskier looks up at him. He looks into Geralt's yellow eyes and his knees nearly buckle.

“I know what you have to do,” Jaskier says and swallows.

He's understood by now, of course, that Geralt doesn't like him and maybe never has, but he still never would have thought that Geralt would kill him. But some things, he's sure, are unforgivable.

“Don't you think it would be easier,” Jaskier says, “if you would stop calling me Jaskier?”

“You're a vampire.” “Yes. Great. Ten out of ten for observational skill.”

He smells Geralt's mutated blood and here is finally something he doesn't want. It's a relief.

“Nothing like a good killing spree to reunite the team, am I right?” Jaskier carries on. “Bet you didn't expect that when you got rid of me on the mountain.” “These soldiers attacked you.” “So?” “So you defended yourself.” Jaskier sniffs once and carefully avoids looking at the bodies.

“Well, all anyone would see is a monster and some dead humans, so – so why don't we get to it, right? Lovely talk, but – but we both know what you need to do.”

Geralt looks a little confused, his eyebrows drawn together, but then his expression clears up.

“Ah,” he says, “you're right.” And Jaskier wants so badly, too badly, maybe, and he tries to hold still so it will be quick.

It's not fair, having to die two times, but it's also a bit of a relief not having to want anymore. It's not any easier the second time around.

“You weren't there,” Jaskier says, almost sobs.

“I know,” Geralt says. And there's that. Now he's stepping closer, closer than he's ever been before, and Jaskier wishes he had a little more time. A little time to memorize how Geralt's eyes look up close. A little time to relish in the breath on his face.

Not enough time to remember that he has seen Geralt kill a vampire before.

And finally, finally, Geralt steps closer still and Jaskier holds his breath. Tries to decide between closing his eyes so he can finally rest and keeping them open so he can see Geralt's face.

Then the collide -

chest

arms

fingers

in the nape of his neck

Is this how to die? I find

I kind of like it.

“Am I dying?” Jaskier says, “I think I'm probably bad at it.” “I hope you won't want to keep practicing.” “Ah, no. I think I've had my fill for a while.” Silence.

Only it's never silent. Not if you're a vampire.

Not if you're a witcher.

“Geralt?” “Hm.” “Why are we hugging?” Jaskier almost expects another hm. “I... missed you. I heard these Nilfgaardian soldiers were tracking you down. Because they were trying to find me probably. Because of Ciri. So I tracked them down.”

“You were a little late.” “I'm sorry.” Geralt's breath is in Jaskier's neck now, and then his cheek touches him and it's nice.

“I'm really sorry,” Geralt repeats, “for everything I said on the mountain. For making you leave. For... not being there.” Jaskier presses a little closer, not caring one bit about his injuries. He feels like they're healing up already.

He doesn't want to kill the mood, but he is too confused to keep quiet, so Jaskier asks: “Don't you think you should kill me, maybe?” “What? Why?” Now Geralt sounds confused too and a little hurt.

“I don't know. I'm a vampire. I'm dangerous. I... drink blood. It's disgusting.” “Oh, come on, Jaskier. In terms of gruesome vampires I've met – you don't even make the top five.”

Geralt releases him out of his hold again and Jaskier tries not to lean into him again.

“How did this happen?” Geralt asks gently.

“Oh, you know how it is. Flirted with the wrong woman again.”

“Fuck.” “Pretty much. But you don't need to worry about the uncontrollable bloodlust. I'm quite well-versed in wanting what I can't have.” Geralt looks at him unhappily. And Jaskier knows he must feel guilty because he's Geralt and he feels guilty about everything.

“Let's get away from here,” Geralt says. He starts trudging back where he came from and Jaskier follows him slowly because every step hurts. Geralt steadies him quickly and together they leave the clearing behind. Jaskier feels – found.

Once they've reached Roach by the road, Geralt turns to Jaskier again.

“It's not your fault, you know that, don't you?” Jaskier says softly.

Geralt works his jaw.

“You,” he says, “you were always too human for me. And you know destiny has a soft spot for fucking me over. And. Warping everything I ever wished for.” “You... wished for me not to be human?” “I wanted you not to – die.” Geralt looks distraught, and he clutches Roach's reigns, then lets go again.

“And you – what did you want?” he asks Jaskier.

Jaskier's heart leaps into his throat.

“Everything,” he says, dumbfounded.

And he does.

He wants the world, ripped open and bleeding underneath his fingers.

He wants to drink the sunshine and eat half the sky.

He wants to fall into Geralt's eyes.

He wants Geralt wanton, violently and there is no glutton like this one.

He wants Geralt's heart and he wants it beating.

He wants Geralt's teeth gnashing against his teeth.

Geralt leans forward and grips his shoulder and Jaskier moves towards him with his other side, like it's a dance.

I want you to want to bite me.

It's the gentlest touch. Like caressing lips with lips.

I want you to hunger for my blood.

Jaskier moves his hands to cup Geralt's cheeks, like he's holding the world and he is.

I want life, your life, and I wanted it on the mountain. I selfishly wanted to grow old with you.

But he has Geralt, has him where he wants him, under his fingers. Something inside of Jaskier – stills. Stops running.

Jaskier is talking and always talking, but finally – his lips come to rest on Geralt's face.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Since I just saw the only Hammer Dracula film I hadn’t gotten around to before, I thought I’d give a few thoughts....

Scars of Dracula is now going to be subtitled  “Good Help is Hard to Find” whenever I mention it. Drac has peasants that come with torches, a servant that toys with putting a crush above job performance, and a gal that would rather sink her own teeth into his dinner. And how does he deal with this? Through wasting a lot of blood that you’d think he would find yummy. (Though in the stabbing scene it sure looks like they cut before he took a very sensible sip.)  The problems of being a boss with no people skills seems to be a thing even if you have fangs. 

Or a tavern owner, for that matter. The dude is just as unable contol what his employee says and does, thinking gruffness can keep her in line. He never even bothers to explain the wee hazards of working in the shadows if a vampire’s castle. I tell you, check out who you are working for and what the risks of the job are, because you can NOT count on your boss!

Actually, I really do like a glimpse at the life of a vampire’s servant. It’s all well and good for fang boy to leave a bloody mess in the bed, but somebody had dispose of the body. TBH, I rather enjoyed seeing Patrick Troughton’s Klove cheerfully  rummaging about the latest victim’s belongings  before casually dismembering and disolving  in acid the remains of a fellow employee that had just recieved her severance package. 

The movie might have been fun as a dark comedy, but unfortunately when it kept trying for comedy it just didn’t work. I say this as someone that likes The Horror of Frankenstein, so feel free to dismiss that. If they had gone for humor at least the wobbly aspects might seem part of the joke.

Wobbly like the bats....

Dear Dark Shadows, Remember how I used to giggle at your fake bat attacks? All is forgiven! Hammer did it much, MUCH worse! 

Seriously, brightly lit Halloween puppet bats bouncing of clevage is just hilarious! 

Hmmm, maybe they were trying to make a comedy.

Nah, the slaughter of an entire church full if the town’s “women folk” is anything but funny. I sort of love the idea of the villagers deciding enough is enough and going after Dracula, and him taking retribution on such a huge scale. The fact the silly peasants thought burning a stone castle would do the job and that Dracula actually sent the kiddie toy bat to do his killing doesn't change the fact I like the idea. 

I also like the bedroom full of red. Red decorations, not blood I mean. Though there was plenty of the latter in the bed eventually. I would love that bed pre-stabbing.

Mood lighting is something no one involved in this movie had ever heard of ever. Pity. Extreme pity actually. A world of production limitations would have been hidden.

Dracula has some seriously weird pale makeup on, like me the first time I tried to do vampire make-up for Halloween. This was not a teenager goofing around in looking undead, because by now they should have had practice. Maybe they thought the lighting should be different too? 

Wait, why did I never notice Christopher Lee’s nostrils before? Is it because this is the first time I’ve been watching him on such a big screen? They weirded me out for some reason.

Small towns really can suck can’t they? Never mind the vampire, locals can be seriously unwelcoming. Give ‘em a neighborhood vampire and they’ll just throw you out the door, sunset or not, if you ask questions. As a small town gal, I half expect my neighbors would so the same to me, and I’m not even a “stranger”. 

Gotta admit that as a vampire fan who fell in love with the novel Dracula in 3rd grade, I never have completely warmed to the Hammer Dracula films. I enjoy them but even Hammer-wise I prefer all the Frankenstein films, Curse of the Werewolf, Doctor Jekyll and Sister Hyde,  Vampire Circus, Twins of Evil...... even Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb to most of their Dracula films.

That said I kinda love Taste the Blood of Dracula. I rewatched it the other day, and other than the way Drac is offed I still love it. Does Brides of Dracula count? I love it, but Drac isn’t in it so I don’t think of it as a Dracula film. And I enjoyed The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires, but I’m not sure it quite counts either...

Do I actually even like Christopher Lee as Dracula? I like him in many things, but his Drac films leave me kinda cold. And not in an undead way. Odd thing tp admit about one of the most beloved performers of the role, but there you go.***

Lightening gets him this time? Well that wouldn’t happen if fang boy had used his natural weapons instead of mucking about with weapons. What was it with him and using weapons in this movie? Knives, red hot swords, bit if metal lobbed at him by someone that doesn’t get the wooden stake thing..... Still, it isn’t the lamest of his deaths in the series. 

Final verdict on Scars of Dracula? Well, in most ways it’s a weak movie, but at least it isn’t the atheist bashing of Dracula Has Risen from the Grave** Technically though, yeah, maybe the worst. I still might rewatch it one day, just not any time soon! 

** Beware: Rant Ahead!-  I made the mistake of rewatching it the other day, forgetting it was THAT one, and I ended up so upset. My father was an atheist and I’m agnostic so it kinda slaps me in the face. I suppose most people won’t get it, but if you have had to be in situations where you really don’t what to talk about it, but someone keeps at you about what church you go to, then have the gall to be angry when you tell them, you might. Once you’ve been shunned and forced to fight for the right not to pray you get sensitive on the subject. If the atheist in the movie had been a former priest that regains their faith I wouldn’t have had a problem at all, but I resent atheists being treated as someone that, when not simply being a villain, must convert.  Guess what folks? Atheists can be kind, loving, ethical, and all around good people. 

*** I have nothing against him. In fact, I watched the movie because I dreamed about Christopher Lee last night. We had quite a lovely conversation, well until the car we were in  crashed off the top of the moss covered cube shaped mountain. There he was, smiling very pleasantly at me like he was enjoying talking to me, and next second we were plummeting to what seemed like certain death. Luckily for me I never die in my dreams, but unluckily for him the same doesn’t apply to others,  The poor fellow was the only one to die, but not to worry, in true Dracula and dream fashion, he later turned out to be in a hospital suffering from extreme blood loss and still alive. Odd dream, got weird after that, but got me thinking about thr one of his Drac films I hadn’t seen....

[seokjinchuriki]

baby, you is a vampire? (4) | jjk

Pairing: Vampire!Jungkook x Reader

Word Count: 1024

Genre: Fluff

Summary: you, reader, meet jeon jungkook on a fine summer’s day and wow, after a year of dating! you learn he’s a vampire! how dumb could you have been? WOW vampires are real!

Warnings: none- falling asleep in chem-

a/n: yeehaw part 4 these were all pre-written, so if you like these and enjoy them i’m not sure when i’ll get some parts done

1 2 3 4 5

—

Jungkook was sat on the couch, watching TV, more specifically a cartoon (We Bare Bears, if anyone wanted to know) and just lounging, waiting for you to come home from your day of classes. He missed you, but you were his scholar and he KNEW you were an independent woman who needed her education. You couldn't just lounge on the couch all day with him... despite the fact that because of his many years on earth, he was quite wealthy and you were both well-off together.

You, (y/n) (l/n), were literally the smartest dumb person he has ever met, you were book smart, but your common sense? Sometimes he wondered if you had any. He loved you, nonetheless, happily awaiting your arrival.

While he is """old""", Jungkook has this youthful nature to him that can't ever be replaced or taken away, which explains all the knick knacks in your house. You both share a Funko Pop collection, you have it all: Pokémon, Marvel, Game of Thrones, you name it!

Jungkook was happily staring at the TV screen, legs crossed and set on top of the coffee table, his ears perking as soon as he heard a key enter the lock of the front door.

You were home!

Usually, Jungkook had things to do, but it was Friday and he wanted to lounge at home and spend time with his favorite girl.

The door opened and closes within seconds and your voice was ringing throughout the hallways, "Kook!" No need for you to yell, but it was the routine thing to do, despite your love having superhuman hearing. You made your way to the living room to see the vampire's eyes firmly set on the TV, completely entranced by whatever was on.

We Bare Bears must be at The Amazing World of Gumball level for him to be this entranced or he's probably zoning out and thinking of something right now.

Literally inside Jungkook's head: Spongebob is a sponge who lives under the sea- Wouldn't he just absorb all the water rather than staying in his consistent rectangular/square shape? Why do they have a beach under water? How do they light fires under water? I love my girlfriend, she loves Spongebob too. If I was never a vampire, I wouldn't live to see Spongebob, I'm one of the lucky ones.

"Kook?" You called once more, pulling him out of his Spongebob-induced trance. He hopped up off the couch immediately, excited to see you in all of your bundled up glory. It was cold outside, so he made sure to put you in the comfiest and warmest clothes of his he could find. You were absolutely adorable.

Mr. Wrinkles was happy to see you too, hissing at Jungkook as an alert (Kook pulled out his fangs and hissed back, but the hairless cat was anything but intimidated), making his way to your legs and rubbing himself against you.

"Hi Mr. Wrinkles!" You excitedly greeted your cat, bending down to scratch the top of his head.

(a/n: this is a vampire au but it's fucking fluffy and i like it lmao i do what i want jk, i do what i want that's reasonable)

You then got up to formally greet your boyfriend, "Hi Jungoo," you said warmly, running into his strong arms, "tough day at school today! In lab, we worked with hazardous chemicals and something accidentally dropped a beaker full onto the ground. Luckily, we're all safe!"

"Ah, really?" Jungkook was always excited to hear about your day, especially since you were always so enthusiastic about it.

"Yeah! And in my chem lecture, I ended up playing club penguin as a way to help me not fall asleep- [i actually did this to not fall asleep in my chem lecture lol] and that was definitely fun! I'm a few steps away from earning my fire suit!"

Club penguin was a regular thing you and Jungkook played together, you, however, were more into it than he was. Spending most of your time when you weren't in class or when you weren't with your lovely boyfriend playing said game... or maybe even minecraft. Jungkook was just happy to know you had something to take your stresses away when he wasn't there.

He had to go to these """vampire council""" meetings once a week, which were the lamest things to ever be invented, but in each county, all vampires had to meet with their councils to discuss, you know, life coexisting with humans. Most people turned to Jungkook for that information because he was 'fraternizing' with a human, not that he cared. Most of the vamps here were once human anyway, so what's wrong with humans?

You both also had active social lived, so you didn't spend every dying second together, that's just a weird relationship. You're in love, but you're not tied together at the hip. You aren't conjoined twins. Which doesn't need to be stated, but here it is... being stated.

Jungkook's friends mostly consisted of the supernatural, while yours were all pretty human, each kind of lame due to the fact that they were all friends you met in your classes, and as a biochem major, most of the people you meet are almost as boring as the subject when being taught by an old man who's ready to die. Your friends are somewhat cool, he has only met them once or twice.

You were also friends with his friends, Taehyung especially, who, as mentioned before was very fond of you. Finding out he was a werewolf didn't come as a shock to you, neither did finding out that Jimin was a vampire.

The dude had prominent blood red eyes! Now, you'd be a real idiot if you didn't see those, unless he had REALLY nice contact lenses. You suspected, but at the same time, what if Jimin was just some all-time cosplayer and Taehyung was a furry... no hate though, because as long as they enjoy what they do and it's not harming anyone, hate is not needed!

You and Jungkook's life together never got boring and for that, you were both grateful!

—

a/n: this sucks i'm so sorry, but i like it! everything is unedited lolol

[lindysampsn]

some thoughts about anya jenkins and btvs

I’ve finished watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer recently. I didn’t expect to love Anya Jenkins so much but she became one of my favourite characters of all time which is why I really, really need to rant because she deserved so much better and I will never get over how badly she was treated by the writers and most of the characters.

Anya was such an interesting and complex character. God, she was a 1120 year old ex-demon! She experienced and saw so much. They should’ve explored her past more, used her connections with the supernatural world more. Instead she was never treated seriously, every time she tried to help the Scoobies, they almost always ignored her, never listened and thought she was some dumb child. It’s so upsetting that a character like her, with so much depth and history, was used as a comic relief 90% of her time on the show. 

The next thing I will never ever forgive the writers for is making her date Xander and centering all of her barely nonexistent storylines around him. First of all, it didn’t make any sense why, out of all people in Sunnydale, she chose him, the man she came to punish and the reason why she lost her powers. She knew that he was a cheater and how much he hurt Cordelia, so why? I’ve been trying to understand it for the past week and I just can’t come up with any reasonable explanation. Was it because he was the only one who knew about the fact that she was a demon and she didn’t have to hide her past from him? Ugh. Personally, I just think that the writers were lazy and just wanted to make her be a part of the gang and that was the easiest way (and the lamest). Secondly, he never deserved her! He treated her like trash, always controlled her, tried to change her, was always ashamed of her, honestly, he didn’t even seem to like her. He left her at the altar and didn’t feel any remorse. Instead, he slutshamed her and played the victim. He’s the worst character in this entire show and one of the worst I’ve ever seen and I truly mean it. To be honest, her love for him wasn’t believable either - once again, why would she fall in love with him? It was so illogical. He was terrible, sexist, arrogant, ignorant, always annoyed with her and he never put her first. Yup, I hate him and this whole storyline.

Another thing that bothers me a lot is Willow’s hatred towards Anya. I think the only time she was ever nice to her was in episode 7.05 when she wanted to help her. Then a few episodes later, when Buffy told Willow that Spike needed blood, she asked her if she wanted her to kill Anya. And apparently it was supposed to be funny since she said it with such a wide smile on her face. That was just so unncessary. And I’m probably the only person bothered by it but well. Also, the writers never made any effort to explore Anya’s relationships with characters other than Xander (and with him they did a terrible job too) which is another reason why I hate them.

And her death. Jesus, that was one of the most disrespectful endings any character on this show had. She died protecting some irrelevant loser and the only reaction she got was Xander’s cheerful “that’s my girl” line. Seriously? What the hell was that? Her death was so unnecessary and even if they had to kill her, they could’ve done that in a way better, more respectful way.

No one’s ever gonna read it but it’s fine, I wrote this for myself because I really needed to get these things out of me and it felt really good to finally do this.

Anyway, Anya Jenkins is such an underrated baby and I love her with my whole heart. She deserved so much better and I’ll never not be bitter about it. That’s all. Thanks.

[aviatrickss]

Vox Machina episode 34!

Did they beg Ashley to Skype in to keep everyone from dying lmaooo (I’m glad they did tho 💜💜💜)

Love that Percy is like “may I please have a health potion Grog :)” and Grog is like “alright” and then Vax is like “may I please have a health potion Grog” and Grog is like “fuck you I get to kick you in the nuts as hard as I want”

I love that Vax is like “omg you guys, you would yell at Scanlan if he kept almost dying from running into shit too fast too right??” and everyone is immediately like “Scanlan would never do that u fuckwit ur the only one with depression”

“~MEAT SHIIEEEELD~” grog im love you

“Hi Pike” agghhhhhhhhhh

Grog bulldozing Vax to hug Pike 💜💜💜💜 team big and small is back in business babyyy

BEAR PERCY NOOOOOOOOO

Keyleth guiding Trinket around the traps and Vex being like “he listens to you :)” I’m crying that’s so fucking cute

Vax calling Trinket “my nephew”... the Trinket love this episode is unreal, 10/10

Taliesin saying like actual science things.... wtf.... don’t like that....

Also I can’t believe not one fucking person has had the thought “maybe we shouldn’t be trying to press the button in the middle of the room that’s obviously a trap”

“In the absence of good ideas, bad ideas are, I think, always reasonable.” God that explains so so so much of Percy’s character, always shdhdhe

Also ngl I’m super salty about everyone giving Vax shit for running into dangerous stuff but like.... no one else fuckin wants to be the first one into the Trap Room.

OH MY GODDD THEY GOT GOT

VAX DIMENSION DOOR???? VAX MAGIC????

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silas is just like “hey 😏” and Vax is like “l8r heteros”

Oh God but Keyleth trying to talk him out if the charm hrghhhh

“BREAK THE OUTSIDE GEM” “I think Percy wants us to kiss Pike! He said the power of love will inspire him?!” “FUCK THE POWER OF LOVE!”

They are. So fucking stupid. God bless.

They JUST got back from break and Matt is like “btw, your demon gun now wants to kill your sister :) anyways...”

Okay like.... I know that they haven’t found out about Vax being Fate-Touched and stuff yet... but if the Briarwoods were going to sacrifice him to wake up Vecna or whatever..... God, I just really want to see Matt’s notes for this

“I’m on top of a thing. Everyone’s very attractive up here.” Vax you are so stupid and so bi and you deserve to get fuckin sacrificed

“Roses are red, violets are blue, we’re both gnomes, and you are soooo foxy.” Jfc

“The darkness demands your soul Silas.” PERCYYY

Poor charmed Vax is just like “why my sister shoot me :(“

Omg Delilah Briarwood coming face-to-face with Trinket who looks like a really obese Percy walking around on all fours..... bet she’s sorry she murdered his family now huh

Vax using himself as a human shield for Delilah is.... weirdly appropriate

God Silas Briarwood was already a foxy vampire and now he has a fuckin life-stealing sword??? Why are Matt’s NPCs all proficient in being as sexy as possible????

Flying Vex SLAPS yo

VAMPIRES ARE SEXY!!!!!

“Did you say you SOLD your SOUL to a HAG?” “LET’S DEAL WITH ONE PROBLEM AT A TIME.” Percy n Vax soulless buddies and Vex is gonna kick both their asses

“I’ve got this cool new character I’ve been working on.” Mr. Mollymauk????

SCANLAN SAYS NO!!!!!!

Silas being afraid of Pike lmaooo

Percy absolutely DESTROYING Delilah..... boy’s working thru it

Keyleth getting Silas with the lamest line ever omg.... I love love love that she was like ‘i’ve seen Percy do lines so I just think that’s what badasses do’ we STAN best friends

“I BROKE THE WORLD FOR US”

Love that they’re just taking potshots at her and Delilah is just fuckin ignoring them to do her ritual ejfjdjxnw

Vax is so scared when Vex flies in :(

KEYLETH TRIES TO BLOODBEND DELILAH

Oh my God Vex falling through the air with one fucking hit point nooo

TRUE 👏👏👏 LOVE’S 👏👏👏👏 CRIT 👏👏👏

THE POTIONS DON’T WORK????

Omg they’re all so scared Vax is having a fucking stroke

PERCY THROWING HIMSELF OFF THE ZIGGURAUT TO GET VEX OUT!!! (oh my god just like Vax almost died trying to save Cass I’m)

I really can’t deal with it, like I know that she’s fine but they’re all so scared hghhhh

Oh my god everything about this has such bad energy it’s giving me massive anxiety

VAX RUNNING BACK TO STAY WITH KEYLETH

I cannot believe they’re just fucking leaving a black hole beneath Whitestone what the shitttt