#they say yes because Elliot likes this woman and Daniel is in love

[anxiouspotatorants]

What about a Maura x Daniel AU where the 1899 setting is real though. As in Maura joins Eyk and company to check out the Prometheus and finds a starved and desperate Daniel trying to protect a barely alive Elliot. And since she’s the doctor they put both of them in the room next to her and she’s with them 24/7, getting information about the mutiny that went wrong on the Prometheus and getting to know the sweet Welsh man and the little boy he decided to take care of when his parents were killed in the mutiny.

And woops would you look at that Maura has fallen in love with one patient and wants to adopt the other.

[letterboxd]

Wigging Out.

Choreographer and director Jonathan Butterell tells Gemma Gracewood about stepping behind the camera for Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, his love for Sheffield, and making sure queer history is kept alive. Richard E. Grant weighs in on tolerance and Thatcher.

Of 2021’s many conundrums, one for musical lovers is why the narratively problematic Dear Evan Hansen gets a TIFF premiere and theatrical release this month, while the joyously awaited Everybody’s Talking About Jamie went straight to Amazon Prime.

And yet, as the show’s lyrics go, life keeps you guessing, along came a blessing. There’s something about the film streaming onto young people’s home screens, with its moments of fourth-wall breaking where Jamie speaks straight to the viewer, that feels so important, given the content: a gay teen whose drag-queen destiny sits at odds with the less ambitious expectations of his working-class town.

Director and choreographer Jonathan Butterell, who also helmed the stage production (itself inspired by Jenny Popplewell’s 2011 BBC documentary, Jamie: Drag Queen at 16) agrees that the worldwide Amazon release is a very good silver lining. “I made the film for the cinema but, in 250 territories across the world, this is going to have a reach that—don’t get me wrong, cinema, cinema, cinema, collective experience, collective experience, collective experience—but it will get to people that it might not have got to before.

Jonathan Butterell on set with star Max Harwood, as Jamie.

“It feels as niche a story as you could possibly be. But also for me, I wanted it to feel like a universal story, that it didn’t matter where on any spectrum you found yourself, you could understand a young person wanting to take their place in the world freely, openly and safely.”

Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, with screenplay and lyrics by Tom MacRae and songs by Dan Gillespie Sells, sits neatly among a series of very specific feel-good British films about the working class experience, such as Billy Elliot, Kinky Boots and Pride. The film adds some historical weight to the story with a new song, ‘This Was Me’, which allows Jamie’s mentor, Hugo (played by Richard E. Grant), to take us into England’s recent past—the dark days of the discriminatory Section 28 laws, at a time when the HIV/AIDS epidemic was still ravaging the community.

Hugo’s drag persona Loco Chanelle (played in the flashback by the stage musical’s original Jamie—John McCrea from Cruella and God’s Own Country), sports a wig that looks suspiciously like the Iron Lady’s unmistakable head of hair. Grant confirms that was Hugo’s intention. “His heyday was in the 1980s, so as a ‘fuck you’ to Mrs Thatcher, what better than to be dressed up like that, at six-foot-eight, with a wig that could bring down the Taj Mahal!”

Richard E. Grant as Hugo, getting to work on Jamie’s contours.

In light of the current pandemic, and the fact that the 1967 legalization of homosexuality in Britain is only “an historical blink away”, Grant’s hope is for more tolerance in the world. “Maybe Covid gives people some sense of what that was like, but with Covid there’s not the prejudice against you, whereas AIDS, for the most part in my understanding, was [seen as] a ‘gay disease’, and there were many people across the globe who thought that this was, you know, whatever god they believe in, was their way of punishing something that they thought was unacceptable.

“The message of this movie is of inclusivity, diversity, and more than ever, tolerance. My god, we could do with a dose of that right now.”

Read on for our Q&A with Jonathan Butterell about the filmic influences behind Everybody’s Talking About Jamie.

Hugo in a reverie, surrounded by his drag menagerie.

Can we talk about the new song, ‘This Was Me’, and the way you directed it in the film? It’s a show-stopper, with Richard E. Grant singing in that beautiful high register, and then moving into Holly Johnson’s singing, as you go back in time to show that deeply devastating and important history. Jonathan Butterell: It felt inevitable, the shift, and necessary. Myself, Dan Gillespie Sells, the composer, and Tom MacRae, the screenwriter, we created this piece together, the three of us, and it’s a film by the three of us. We lived through that time, we went on those marches. Actually, in one of those marches [shown in flashback], Dan’s mum���actual mum—is in a wheelchair, by a young boy who was holding a plaque saying “my mum’s a lesbian and I love her”.

That is Dan with his mum back in the day, and it all speaks to our stories and it moves me, I can see it’s moving you. It moves me because I lived through that time, and it was a complex time for a young person. It was a time that you felt you had to be empowered in order to fight, and you felt very vulnerable because of the need to fight. And because of that disease, because HIV was prevalent and we lost people—we lost close people—it was a difficult time. I wanted to make sure that that story kept being told and was passed on to the next generation.

It’s so important isn’t it, to walk into the future facing backwards? It still exists, that need to fight still exists. The conversation, yes, has moved on, has changed, but not for all people and not in all communities.

What would be your go-to movie musical song at a karaoke night? My goodness. There’d be so many.

I mean, is it going to be a Cabaret, a Chicago showstopper, or something more Mary Poppins, something from Rent? I think what I would go to, which is what I remember as a little boy, is Curly singing ‘Oh, What A Beautiful Mornin’. It’s such a kind of perfect, beautiful, simple song. That, and ‘The Lonely Goatherd’, because I just want to yodel. It would be epic. Trust me.

What is the best film featuring posing and why is it Paris Is Burning? It’s always Paris Is Burning. Back in the day, I was obsessed with Paris Is Burning, I was obsessed with that world. In fact, at one moment I even met [director] Jennie Livingston in trying to make a theater piece inspired by that. I lived in New York for eleven years and I met Willi Ninja. I just adored everything about him, and he would tell me stories. And again, it was so removed from the boy from Sheffield, I mean so far. That New York ballroom scene was so removed from my world, but I got it. Those two boys at the top of the film, I just wanted to be one of those boys who just hung out outside the club.

Harwood and Butterell on set, with Lauren Patel (right) as Jamie’s bestie Pritti Pasha.

What films did you and Tom and Dan look at to get a feeling for how to present the musical numbers? Actually, a lot of pop videos, from present day to past. There’s an homage, in the black-and-white sequences, to a little ‘Vogue’ Madonna moment. Pop is very central to me in this story because pop is what a working-class kid from a working-class community will be listening to. That’s in his phone, that’s in his ears. Not that many young people listen to much radio at this moment in time, but that’s what will be on Margaret’s radio, that’s what’s coming into the kitchen. And that was central to the storytelling for me.

Bob Fosse also really influenced me, and particularly All That Jazz and where his flights of imagination take him. I felt that was so appropriate for Jamie, and again in a very, very different way, but I could see how Jamie’s imagination could spark something so fantastical that would lead him to dance, lead him to walk on the most amazing catwalk, lead into being in the most fabulous, fabulous nightclub with the most amazing creatures you’ve ever met in your life.

For me personally, the film that most inspired me was Ken Loach’s Kes, because that is my community. Both the world in which Jamie exists—Parsons Cross council estate, is my world, is my community—and the world of that young boy, finding his place in the world with his kestrel friend, I remember identifying with that boy so clearly. He was very different from me, very different. But I got him, and I felt like Ken Loach got me through him.

Ken Loach made a few films set in Sheffield, didn’t he? But also, Sheffield is a setting and an influence on The Full Monty, The History Boys, Funny Cow and that brilliant Pulp documentary. So Jamie feels like a natural successor. It absolutely does. Sheffield’s where I grew up, it’s my hometown. Although I moved away from it, I always return. To have a chance to celebrate my community, and particularly that community in Parsons Cross council estate. If you’re in Sheffield and you’re in a taxi and you said, “Take me to Parsons Cross,” they’d say, “Well, I’ll drop you there, but I’m not staying.” Because again there’s a blinkered view of that community. And I know that community to be proud, glorious and beautiful.

And yes, that community, particularly through the ’80s, really suffered because some of that community would serve the steelworks and had three generations of unemployment, so they became disenfranchised because of that. But the community I grew up in, my Auntie Joan, who lived on that road, literally on that road, was a proud, working class, glorious woman who served chips at school.

Aside from Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, what would be the most important queer British cinematic story to you? (And how do you choose between My Beautiful Laundrette and God’s Own Country?!) You can’t. My Beautiful Laundrette influenced me so much because, one, Daniel Day Lewis was extraordinary in that film, and two, because of the cross-cultural aspect of it. I went, “I know this world”, because again I grew up in that world. And it affirmed something in me, which is the power and the radicalness of who I could be and what I could be.

With God’s Own Country, when I saw that film—and that was Francis’ first film, which I thought was extraordinary for a first-time filmmaker—I knew he knew that world from the inside, from the absolute inside. And I know what that rural community was like. I read that script, because we share agents, and I was blown away by it—again, because of the two cultures coming together.

Jamie Campbell, the film’s real-life inspiration, with screen-Jamie Max Harwood.

Richard E. Grant’s character, Hugo, is such a pivotal mentor for Jamie. What did you need to hear from a mentor when you were sixteen? Don’t let yourself hold yourself back, because I think it was me who put some limitations on myself. And of course I came from a working-class community. I was a queer kid in a tough British comprehensive school. And did I experience tough times? Yes I did. And did I deal with those tough times? Yes I did. But the song that speaks to me mostly in this is ‘Wall in my Head’, in which Jamie takes some responsibility for the continuation of those thoughts, continuations of the sorts of shame, and that’s a sophisticated thing for a sixteen-year-old boy to tackle.

I also was lucky enough to have a mother like Margaret—and a dad like Margaret as well, just to be clear! And I remember my mum, at seventeen when I left home, just leaving a little note on my bed. It was quite a long letter. She said, Jonathan, you’ve probably chosen to walk a rocky path, but don’t stray from it, don’t steer away from it. That’s the path you've chosen, there may be rock-throwers along the way, but you’ll find your way through it. That stayed with me and I think that’s what resonates with me. And when I saw that documentary, Jamie: Drag Queen at 16, I felt that that sparked the need for me to tell that story.

Sarah Lancashire as Jamie’s mum, Margaret New.

We need more mums and dads like Margaret, don’t we? We do, we do. And the wonderful thing is, Margaret Campbell will say it and I think Margaret New in the film will say it: she’s not a Saint, she’s an ordinary mum. And she has to play catch up and she doesn’t understand in many ways, and she gets things wrong and she overprotects. But she comes from one place and that is a mum’s love of her child and wanting them to take their place safely in the world and to be fully and totally themselves.

Related content

Eternal Alien’s list of films Made in Sheffield

Letterboxd’s Camp Showdown

Persephon’s list of films recommended by drag queens

Passion’s list of films mentioned by Jaymes Mansfield in her Drag Herstory YouTube series

Follow Gemma on Letterboxd

‘Everybody’s Talking About Jamie’ is streaming now on Amazon Prime Video.

[lostinaseaoffictionalbliss]

RPTL 2-Elliot, The Bodyguard

Summary: Don gives Dani protective detail

Pairing: eventually Elliot x fem!OC

Warnings: abuse, mentions of sexual abuse, PTSD attacks (will add more as needed)

Word Count: 1024

This is an AU. Kathy and the kids don't exist in this story

Elliot knew by the tone of Don's voice that his captain was furious. It wasn't a mood the older man often showed, yet he could almost feel the anger from his desk across the room. Not wanting to further upset his boss, he stood quickly and made his way across the room.

Donald shut the door behind Elliot, running a hand over his bald head. "What I'm about to ask you is something very important. You're the only one I can trust with this. Do you understand?"

Confusion marred Elliot's features, but he nodded anyway. He glanced toward the couch, knowing he would find Danielle there. What he wasn't expecting to see was her curled up in a small ball, asleep, with tear streaks running down her face.

"I'm guessing this has something to do with her?" He was more than capable of putting two and two together. Especially with what Olivia had told him.

Danielle whimpered in her sleep and curled up even smaller.

Don covered her up with his jacket and took a seat. He sighed and leaned back, looking up at Elliot. "Yes. Dani is my niece. She spent more time with me than her parents growing up. She's like a daughter to me. I love her dearly and I want her protected. I need you to watch over her." He looked toward his niece. There was still a lot of anger in the way he held himself, but as he looked to the young woman laying on his couch it gave way to sadness and pain. 

Not being able to protect his niece from what she had been through made his heart ache. She was like a daughter to him and he wanted to protect her from this sort of pain. No one should ever go through something like this. 

Elliot raised a brow and crossed his arms, biceps flexing under his rolled up sleeves. He understood why he was being given this protection detail; his captain was giving his niece special treatment that other victims didn't receive. "I don't mind watching her, but you're going to have to give me more than that Captain." He had to know what he was protecting her from to better do his job. He couldn't do it with half the information.

"All I can tell you is that she was attacked by men that she thought she could trust. Men she worked with. Men with military training. This case isn't going to be an easy one. I fear they'll come for her again once they learn she's come to me. More than that they might pull some tactics to try and take this case from us or bury it all together. 

"Alright, do we have anything to help us out with this?" He glanced down at the sleeping woman and frowned. He could see that even in her sleep she was stressed. He took in her dark hair, cheekbones, soft lips, curves, clenched jaw, and hummed. She had looks that certainly didn't come from her Uncle. 

Don nodded. "That bag there has evidence. Her clothing from the day it happened. She took scrapings from under her nails and photos. She hasn't done a rape kit yet, but she's willing to. I need you to take her."

"I'll take her when she wakes up." 

Danielle sat up, panting and wide eyed. Her eyes darted around everywhere. They landed on Elliot and her Uncle. She didn't know the young detective, but his stance was a friendly one. It was enough to help her calm down from her nightmare. Slowly her heart rate returned to normal. She ran a hand through her now drenched hair. Fuck, just what I needed. A nightmare for everyone to see.

"Um, sorry." She pulled her knees to her chest. "I'm guessing you're Elliot. Uncle Don said I can trust you, but…." She trailed off, fiddling with a loose thread on her pants.

Elliot knelt down in front of her. He gazed into her eyes. "I get it. Just because he says you can doesn't give you confidence." While he didn't know what she had been through and had no intent of asking at the moment he understood what an attack did to someone. 

She nodded slightly. "Yeah," she mumbled. She hated feeling like this. Wondering if someone was a friend or foe. Looking around every corner to see if an attack was coming. Preparing to run if someone she believed was going to help her turned out to be just another wolf in sheep's clothing. 

Growing up Donald had taught Danielle how to defend herself. She had taken Tae Kwondo as a child and kickboxing as a teen. Even though she was a doctor when she joined the Army giving her the rank of 2nd Lieutenant she had gone through hand-to-hand combat training there as well. She wasn't some weak defenseless girl. Yet, here she sat in her Uncle's office with tear stained cheeks and red rimmed eyes. 

Elliot gently took her hand, not letting go even when she flinched. He wasn't trying to scare her, but she would need to learn that his touch was a friendly one and not someone out to hurt her again. "I'm going to do what I can to show you, I mean no harm."

"People tend to say one thing and then do other things." She wasn't taking a jab at him exactly. Only stating the facts as she had seen them. 

He nodded. "True." He made sure to look into her eyes as he said his next words. "Actions will always speak louder than words. My record shows that I tend to get angry and a little violent with perps. However, you can ask your Uncle, it also shows that I'm good with the people who come to us for help."

She looked to Donald catching his slight nod. She brought her gaze back to Elliot. She searched his eyes. The only thing she could see was kindness and sympathy. There wasn't a hint of malicious intent. She nodded. "Okay. So what now?"

Elliot smiled. "You can call me, Elliot the bodyguard."

***

If you like my work please reblog. Likes are great, but they don't share my work. Also check out my masterlist in my bio

[amintyworld]

The Last Visit

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug

Characters: Marinette/Ladybug, Adrien/Chat Noir, Emma Agreste, Louis Agreste, Hugo Agreste, Daniel Agreste, Juliette Agreste, Nicky Agreste.

TW: Implied Major Character Deaths, Dying, Sickness. (Let me know if I missed any!)

Marinette breathed slowly as she lay on the bed, looking out the windows with a smile. The pure autumn breeze swept through her greying locks, and she closed her eyes for a moment. "Beautiful day, isn't it Adrien?"

The room was silent. "Yeah, I thought so you silly kitty." The wind whipped the older woman's hair back and forth. 

"You know Hugo's a fighter now, on the front lines? He sends me letters everyday, to make sure I'd never worry. You know how I worry, cat."

She paused. "Louis took up the bakery - hopeless romantic, that boy. Clumsy, too." Marinette laughed. "Emma's settled down, got married a few months after we got the letter. I… I know you wanted to be there."

The older woman took a breath.

"It's funny, you know. You left so quickly, yet I know you're still here. I guess you kept your promise, kitty." She swallowed. "I'm sorry that you've waited so long for me. But, I'll get to see you soon, you know. The doctors can only do so much about age." A tear slipped down her cheek. 

She wiped it away with her finger slowly as the hospital doors opened, and she shifted in her bed to better sit in it. A nurse gave her a small smile. "Visitors, Ms. Agreste."

A small child ran up, jumping on Marinette, throwing their small arms around her neck. "Grandma!"

"Nicky!" An older woman, with long golden hair and blue eyes scolded the little tyke. "Grandma Marinette can get hurt easier than we do. Be careful."

An older dark-skinned teen with black hair and green eyes entered quietly, hands inside her jean pockets awkwardly, staring toward the floor. After the girl filed in a dirty blond haired boy with an earbud in, texting on his phone. He looked up and smiled at his little brother as he awkwardly tried to hug carefully.

"Sorry we're a bit late, Mom."

"No worries at all, Emma. I know you're very busy these days." Marinette said, smiling warmly at her daughter, and helping the smaller toddler down from the hospital bed. "Goodness, you're getting so big!" She said to Nicky, making the toddler smile, a few of his teeth missing.

"Momma says that I'm getting so big, that I need new clothes soon!" The tyke said, smiling once more to his grandmother.

"Oh really?!" Marinette said, giving the toddler a warm smile. "Hey, you know what? I think that there's some ice cream in the kitchens. Why don't you guys go grab some and leave me and your Mom to chat for a bit. My treat." 

"No, Mom, it's okay. You don't have to-"

"I insist." Marinette said. 

The older brother, Daniel, took the twenty dollars from his grandmother and gave a smile. Marinette smiled. "Tell Melissa I sent you, alright?" She put a hand to the side of her mouth as she whispered. "You'll get hot fudge."

Nicky's eyes were wide, chanting as he left the room, his brother guiding him out with a chuckle, their sister tagging quickly behind. "Hot fudge, hot fudge, hot fudge, hot fudge!"

Once out of earshot, Emma let out a happy sigh. "You're really good at spoiling them."

"What can I say, it's a talent." Marinette laughed. "How's Hugo and Louis?"

"I haven't gotten any messages from Hugo in a few weeks, and Louis…" They both sighed in unison, saying the next part together: "...still in love with that barista."

Emma's face turned serious. "Sorry Elliot couldn't come today, he's just so busy…" She trailed off. "Mom, remember how you and Dad met? How, Dad was in love with Ladybug, and you were in love with Adrien?"

"Yes, of course." Marinette said, looking at her daughter's focused face.

"How did you know?"

"What?" Marinette asked.

"How did you know you were in love with Dad?" Emma asked.

Marinette breathed, thinking. "Well… there was something about… about the way he was. When we wore those masks, we were us, truly us. I always knew that your father would be there." She paused. "Even after I'd rejected him over and over, he was still the same. He was my partner, and he was also my friend." She reached up to touch her earrings. There was no need anymore - but she still wore them, just because she felt as if she took them off, she'd be losing a part of herself. 

"Even if I hated him, even if the world was falling before us, even if I had caused it - he wouldn't leave my side. After the reveal, everything just locked into place. He had always loved me, even when I didn't love him back." She smiled. "I realized that if I didn't have that, if I didn't have him - I wouldn't know what to do."

She sighed. "I would… I wouldn't be able to carry on without him."

Emma looked to her mother, smiling. "Like, he was a part of you, and if you took that part away, you'd never be the same again."

"Yes." Marinette said. "Is… is this about Elliot?"

"No…"

"Emma Elizabeth Argeste." Marinette said sternly.

"He's just been in the office a lot lately, and I've just missed him. It's… it's nothing."

Marinette smiled fondly, cupping her daughter's cheek in her hand. "Honey, if you miss him, if you feel like that part of you is missing - that's love." Marinette breathed in a bit deeply and coughed for a while, in a coughing fit that rattled her body.

"You alright, Mom?" Emma said, clearly concerned. 

"I'm fine." She said. "Just old."

"You know what Dad said about going off to fight - how he was fighting to make sure that you got to live to see so many amazing things, to watch me, Louis, and Hugo grow." Emma said. 

"Seems everything he wanted came true." Marinette smiled. "Did you bring the miracle box like I asked?"

The faded ladybug spotted oval container was plopped on her hospital bed table. She opened the top flap and took out the two familiar boxes. "There's something coming, Emma. People are going to need Ladybug and Chat Noir again."

"What?" Emma said. "But… But how? And more importantly, who?"

"I have some ideas." Marinette said. "Tikki!"

The red and black kwami rushed out of Marinette's purse quickly. "Tikki, I… It's time." 

"What? Marinette, no!" Tikki said. "You… you can't!"

"You need to go to your new miraculous holder." Marinette said. "A new Hawkmoth could emerge at any moment, and we need to be ready." 

"Marinette!" Tikki said, crying, flying to her master's side. "You were the best Ladybug I ever had."

Marinette smiled. "You were the best kwami I ever had. Promise to help the kid?"

"Of course." Tikki said.

"Look out for the doofus. He's…he's a bit of a mess, and, after changing schools - he needs a friend." Marinette said, Tikki's small head pressed against hers as she reached for her earrings. "Goodbye, Tikki."

"Goodbye, Marinette."

Marinette quickly took off the earrings as Tikki vanished into the box. She slowly set the earrings inside, closing the lid.

-------------------

"I won't be a good guardian, Mom! Please, pick someone, anyone else!" Emma cried.

"You will be a great guardian, Emma." Marinette said, holding her daughter's hand in her own. "Someone needs to look out for them, hm? I could think of no one better. They'll get over their heads - keep them safe, and keep them in line."

"But… but-" 

Marinette only smiled at her daughter. "You've got a pure heart and a good head on your shoulders. If Hawkmoth could be defeated once, he'll be defeated again. Find someone for the cat miraculous - good of heart, and kind - a sense of humor of course!" Marinette laughed. 

It seemed ages ago when she and Chat had finally recovered the miraculous, only to find it missing within a few days. It was a great tragedy, but Adrien had assured her they would get it back - all it took was to wait for the villain to appear again.

"I know that you can do this, Emma." Marinette said, cupping her daughter's cheek with a smile. "You are the best parts of your father and I - we're so proud of you. I'm sorry you have to work to fix my mistake, but I don't have much time left. I love you, and I believe in you." Marinette smiled, coughing for a bit before continuing, her voice extremely hoarse.

Marinette's smile was replaced with a stern look. "Now, go give that villian exactly what they deserve, okay? A nice smack to the side of the head would do nicely to knock some sense into those brains of theirs." Marinette said, making Emma giggle and smile.

"I promise, Mom."

"I love you, Emma." 

"I… I love you too, Mom."

-----------------

As the visit was ending, Marinette was walking the family to their car when she fell on purpose, knocking into Daniel as he caught her and she quickly slipped the earrings into his bag. She had to admit, it was a bit of deja vu for her as she remembered Fu doing the same thing to her not too long ago.

"Oof, I'm so sorry, must just be my hip." Marinette said. Her grandson gave her a smile. 

"Be careful, Grandma." Daniel called. "We don't want you to take a spill. You should go rest up that hip though."

"Will do, Danny." Marinette smiled. She couldn't help but see so much of herself in her grandson - the determination, nervousness, awkwardness, the hidden confidence behind his eyes.

As everyone was in the car and driving away, Marinette said a silent goodbyes to Plagg and Tikki. Emma had tucked the miracle box under some cloth and crochet yarn determined to keep her promise to her Mom.

That was the last time anyone had seen Marinette before she had passed away a few days later, still staring out the window, smiling. Her thoughts were only to Adrien, and she could swear she saw a bright light with Chat Noir holding his hand out, with the biggest smile. 

"My lady, you're finally here-"

[thechildoflightning]

The Kübler-Ross Model

Title: The Kübler-Ross Model [Masterpost]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: background LAMP

~~~

Chapter Title: Depression- Chapter Four

Summary: 

Stage Four: Depression- Characterized by intense sadness at the realization that the loss that has occurred is permanent.

In which Remy is drowning in sadness.

Warnings: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Family Relationships, Intense Sadness, Loss of Appetite, Food Mention

[ao3 link]

Depression- Chapter Four

“Selected: Voicemail. One item. Tab one of one,” Remy’s phone says, strangely subdued. Remy doesn’t even pause to wonder who it’s from. She puts her finger to the screen, sliding it around as she searches for the desired section.

“Voicemail.”

One finger down.

“Daniel Zurko. M-”

Double tap.

“I’m- Remy. I miss you. I worry. I don’t- you won’t even answer my calls, I don’t know how you are, I… Remy I just miss you so much. Please, call. If just to let me know you’re okay. Please. Don’t keep doing this to me Remy.”

-

Remy doesn’t see Kai or Elliot until dinner. They meet up in the dining hall and find three open spaces. It’s pretty packed, so Cha-Cha slides into a tuck under her feet.

They eat in silence for awhile, the atmosphere obviously a bit tense.

“I’m sorry,” Remy says at last, “It wasn’t fair of me to snap at either of you. Kai, you were just trying to be helpful, Elliot you had no idea anything was even going on. I shouldn’t have done that. I was angry about some stuff, and I shouldn’t have taken that out on you two.”

“Okay thanks,” Elliot says.

“Forgiven,” Kai agrees.

Remy nods.

“And, Remy?” Elliot asks. Their voice sounds anxious, but doesn’t waver. Remy can’t help but feel that whatever they’re about to say is going to be incredibly important.

“Yeah?”

“You don’t- if you want- you know you can talk to us, right?”

It’s such a simple sentence, but it carries a ton of weight behind it. It means that Remy has people supporting her, people on her side. She has these systems around her to help her out. She just has to accept that help, that support.

“Yeah, I know,” she mutters.

Does she?

“Okay.”

“Are we still planning on creating Dungeons and Dragons characters tonight?” Kai asks after a moment, “And then actually getting moving on starting a campaign.”

“I- I think Mitchell wanted to do something tonight?” Elliot voices before Remuy gets a chance to confirm.

“Aww that’s three times in a row now, Elliot,” Kai points out.

“I can tell him no- I don’t have to-”

“No, no,” Kai insists, “If you have plans with your boyfriend that’s okay, that’s alright. You don’t have to feel bad for wanting to spend time with your boyfriend. We can totally work something else out.”

Elliot lets out a tiny sigh and it sounds wrong. Remy doesn’t like it. Remy’s slowing getting to know Elliot on a deeper level, to understand them. She knows they can get anxious about small things, and maybe it’s a sigh of relief. 

But it doesn’t sound like one.

“Elliot?” Remy asks.

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to spend time with Mitchell?”

“Of course I do!” they insist, “Mitchel’s my boyfriend. It’s- he doesn’t deserve to be ignored.”

“I mean I don’t think spending one night with your friends would be considered ‘ignored,’” Kai comments, “But it’s not my relationship. So… as long as you're happy.”

Is Elliot happy?

“Yeah,” Elliot says. They hesitate. “This Thursday, okay? Thursday, DnD characters. I’ll be there. Promise.”

“Awesome!” Kai cheers. Remy can’t help but agree with the sentiment.

-

Thursday has the three of them Kai’s bed in their and Remy’s dorm. Kai’s laptop is in their lap and Cha-Cha has ditched Remy to curl into Elliot’s side. Elliot’s much to happy about this, sweet talking her and giving her all sorts of attention and pets.

Remy’s friends give Cha-Cha too much love and attention. They haven’t spent years with her, they don’t understand how terrible she can be. For example, her horrible sock stealing habit. Okay, Kai knows about that, but they forgive Cha-Cha way too easily. Remy’s just waiting until they start having to replace pairs again and again. Then Kai will understand how truly evil she can be.

“Okay, so with DnD we generally start with race and class.”

“Race: white and Roma, class: upper middle,” Remy responds.

“I… literally cannot tell if you are joking or not.”

“I am. A friend played. I know like, basic basics.”

Remy still hasn’t talked to any of her friends back home. She winces internally and pushes that away. She’ll get to it eventually, just… later.

“All I know comes from Stranger Things,” Elliot admits, which is a great distraction from Remy’s thoughts. It causes Kai to sigh loudly at how inept they are.

“Right. Okay. We have a lot of work to do.”

Kai starts explaining the game and how it works and quickly moves onto characters. They’re telling them about stats when Remy interrupts.

“I still don’t get why I can’t just take everything and put it into charisma and have everything else be zeros,” she says.

“Because that isn’t how you play the game,” Kai says, “Next question. Yes Elliot. And you don’t need to raise your hand.”

“You should let Remy put everything into charisma and have everything else be zeros.”

Remy points to Elliot in agreement. It’s good to know that they have her back in Remy’s quest to completely annoy Kai.

“That’s not a question.”

“Can you please let him put everything into charisma and have everything else be zeros?”

Something twists inside Remy when Elliot uses he/him for him. It’s not Elliot’s fault, Remy knows it’s not. She doesn’t blame them. Remy has’t told either of them yet. She wants to… but it’s hard. She doesn’t quite know how. She hasn’t told anyone besides Patton yet, and she doesn’t know how to start.

“No. Stop asking me that,” Kai groans, “You can’t- no. Maybe if you had more experience I’d let you have more skewed stats, but either way you still can’t have anything that high. But considering you’re both beginners, we're going to start with fairly balanced stats.”

“Can I at least have Cha-Cha?”

“Let Remy have Cha-Cha, Kai, don’t be mean.”

“I- there’s rules for pets- Okay are you blind?”

“Actually no, I’m not blind, I’ve been lying to you both this entire time. I just wanted to bring my dog to college and thought ‘hey yeah, this’ll work,’” Remy jokes. Elliot laughs at that while Kai just sighs even louder.

“In the game, Remy, in the game. Are you blind?”

“I can not be blind?”

“It’s a fucking game I don’t care.”

“Okay yeah sure I’m blind.”

“Then fine- fine you can have Cha-Cha as a guide dog. But she can only use commands she knows. She can’t fight and stuff.”

“What if Cha-Cha knows how to attack people?”

“Does she?”

“Yes.”

The room falls silent.

“So that’s terrifying,” Kai says as Remy calls Cha-Cha to her.

“Cha-Cha, attack,” Remy commands when her dog is at her side. Cha-Cha responds instantly, covering Remy with kisses that are very slobbery and very gross. 

“Oh my- Remy I literally thought you meant you trained Cha-Cha to attack people!” Elliot screeches.

“With kisses, attack with kisses.”

Kai groans and shoves Remy lightly, pushing her into her dog who is still trying to lick her. Remy tells her to stop, and Cha-Cha settles at her feet. Remy nudges her lightly with a foot, and Cha-Cha responds by starting to nibble on her sock, most certainly in an attempt to eventually pull it off and hoard it wherever the others are. 

“Kiss attacks will not inflict damage in DnD. And speaking of DnD, let’s get back on task, yeah? Elliot, your character, what’s their name.”

“Uhhh….”

“You’ve been staring at the page for like an hour now!” Kai protests.

“There’s a lot of names to choose from! Plus I have the option to make my own so give me time. Ask Remy.”

“Remy, your character, what’s his name?”

“Her,” Remy responds on reflex, because this entire time she’s been thinking of her character as a girl. She quickly realizes her mistake.

“Shit I didn’t mean to say that,” she says at the exact same moment that Kai goes, “Okay, what’s her name?”

Fuck. Remy’s just made things worse.

“What?” Kai asks.

“What?” she responds.

“What?” Elliot joins in.

Remy groans and shoves her face in her hands. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Remy? Your character can be a girl, that’s totally chill,” Kai tells her, voice carrying hesitance and amusement, “They don’t have to be the same gender as you.”

Remy groans louder.

“Fuck I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she says.

“What?” Elliot whispers again.

“I don’t know?” Kai whispers back.

“I can hear you,” Remy complains, “I’m fuckin’ blind not deaf.”

She sighs once more and pulls her head more. Rip it off like a band aid. It’ll be fine. She’s fine. She.

“I’m a woman. I’m trans. So yeah. That’s a thing. So my character is going to use she/her pronouns too. Like me.”

There’s a second of silence and Remy feels like she's about to burst. What are they thinking? Will they hate her? They wouldn’t. Right?

“Oh. Congratulations!” Elliot says, “We still love you obviously.”

That’s a relief. Remy knows they would. Of course they would. But she was still afraid.

“Yes,” Kai jumps in, “Awesome. My lovely friend is a woman, she’s awesome, all the valid. Also I have to say this is not the first time someone I know has come out during DnD so congrats, you can join the metaphorical club for that.”

Remy glows.

There’s still the nervous energy thrumming through her, because even though she knows they would be supportive this is still terrifying. Hearing them actually support her is gratifying and makes her heart soar.

“Can I ask about your name?” Elliot asks.

“Remy. Still Remy. That’s important to me. And I know that’s not traditional or-”

“That’s fine. All it needs to be is something that you’re happy with,” Kai butts in.

“It is. I am. Uh, so yeah. Remy. Middle name is Eileen. Remy Eileen.”

“That’s really pretty,” Elliot says.

“Thanks. And I’m not- or well- I think I’m sure but I’m not sure? Because I- I do feel like I’m- like I am trans. But I don’t think I get dysphoria? Or not that I’ve noticed. I mean I get social dysphoria. I did the day I met you Kai, which makes so much sense now, but I don’t think I get gender dysphoria. And I’ve been reading-”

“If you’ve been reading, you’ll know that anyone worth shit knows that you don’t have to experience gender dysphoria to be trans,” Kai insists, tone offering no room for debate.

“I know.”

Remy does. There's a lot of exclusionary rhetoric out there, but there’s also so much love and support. Remy’s found whole communities of people with different experiences of being trans. She knows her own experience is just as valid, it’s no less than anyone else’s.

“But it’s still hard?” Elliot offers.

“Yeah,” she admits, because it is. It’s been a relief knowing but it’s also terrifying.

Kai and Elliot both make noises of agreement and Remy feels safe. She feels loved. She feels like she’s home.

Her phone starts ringing.

It’s her dad.

She suddenly feels miserable.

It slams into her like a wave, all at once. Full force and she feels like she’s drowning. It hits so suddenly and the tide just sweeps her right off her feet leaving her floundering.

She’s loved, she’s home, she has a good life, good people around her.

And then her dad calls and he brings all the pain and misery right back up.

Remy denies the call, suddenly exhausted.

“Remy?” Elliot asks.

“Just my dad, let’s keep going.”

“Are you sure?” Kai asks.

Remy’s not. She’s exhausted. She feels like she’s being weighed down, falling and unable to get up.

“Yeah,” she says, “Yeah.”

Elliot and Kai are hesitant, but they go back to conversing and trying to figure out Elliot’s character’s name. Remy just sits with them, pitching in as little as possible, mind drifting away and a heavy sadness in her heart.

-

Remy’s not doing well and she doesn’t know what to do about that, but it’s time to admit it. 

She’s not doing well. 

At all. 

She doesn’t know what to do about it. 

At all.

Because the thing is- the truth is, Remy’s been ignoring this. She’s been ignoring this and she’s been mad at her dad and she’s tried to fix it. 

But she can’t. And she can’t move on either. Because Remy- Remy misses her dad. 

She misses him and that’s the worst part of all of this. 

Because her dad wasn’t a good dad. He made too many mistakes to excuse. He’s suffocated Remy her entire life. He’s manipulative. He took away Cha-Cha. He took away Remy’s freedom. Remy has never been to think about her own wants and needs, she’s always had to cater to her father. He had played on her love for him to keep her by his side for ages. And it worked. It had worked well. 

It works well. 

Because Remy still loves him and she wants to pick up the phone, and she knows the minute she does she’ll go running home. 

Because her father will say he misses her and he loves her and he needs her without apologizing for anything. And then he’ll insist that she can’t do this on her own. He’ll wheedle and he’ll pick at her, saying how he needs her, how she needs him and then she’ll come running back like she always does.

She doesn't want to keep doing that, but it’s hard, because it’s her dad.

And what if this time will be different? 

It won’t be. Remy knows it won’t. She lost that last shred of hope when she left home. It’s the reason she won’t pick up the phone, because she knows her father hasn’t changed, isn’t going to change.

She hates it.

It’s- he’s her dad. She shouldn’t be in this situation. He should love her and support her and be there for her. She shouldn’t be fielding calls and running away and struggling through her first year at college alone. This is something he should be doing with her.

Remy wants to call him, but she can’t. Not now, maybe not ever. Not until he changes. Really, truly changes.

She doesn’t know if he ever well. She sighs loudly. 

“You okay?” Kai asks from where he’s sitting at his desk, playing a game on his computer.

“Fine,” Remy insists, spread eagle (or as spread eagle as she can get while being six foot and on a dorm room bed). 

“You don’t seem fine,” Kai says. 

“I’m just tired.”

That’s true. Remy is exhausted, but she knows that isn’t the whole truth. She doesn’t know the last time she told the whole truth. 

“Oh,” Kai says. 

“Yeah,” Remy agrees. 

“Uh- I mean if you’re too tired we don’t have to- but I’m pretty sure they have puppies at the student center today.”

“Holy shit you’re kidding,” Remy says, sitting upright. 

Kai laughs.

“Yeah I saw a sign the other day. It’s like a monthly thing? Or something.”

“We are absolutely going. What time is it?” Remy asks, as she reaches for her phone. 

“12:14,” Kai answers promptly. 

“Cool, cool. We’ll catch Elliot coming out of their lecture? Get lunch in the dining hall and then puppies?”

Puppies will make her feel better, right?

“Hell yeah,” Kai grins. 

Hopefully puppies will make her feel better. 

“Let’s go.”

If they don’t make her feel better, at least they’ll be a distraction. 

“Rem?”

That’s good enough, right?

“Uh, yeah?” 

“Are we going?”

“Right, right,” Remy says. She nods and stands and suddenly feels exhausted once more. The excitement of puppies has already started to fade, giving way to the overwhelming sadness that’s begun to engulf her. 

“Can we take the bus?” Kai asks. He seems hesitant- presumably because it’s not that far to the dining hall. Only one stop actually. But the bus does get that one stop closer. Remy's learning that for Kai, that can be a significant difference. 

“Sure,” Remy says. 

“Okay.”

“I think I’m going to leave Cha-Cha here. I think the puppies and her- I mean it’ll probably be fine but I don’t know anything about these puppies or if they won’t want Cha-Cha around them and-“ Remy shrugs, “I’m just gonna leave her here.”

“Okay.”

Remy starts looking for her cane. (She swore it was by the door)? As she does so a thought comes to mind and she significantly perks up. 

“Oh- and Kai, guess what that means?”

Kai knows exactly what that means if his loud groan is anything to go by. 

“No.”

She locates her cane- it was folded on her desk.

“You don’t have to guide me,” Remy says, “but it’s good practice. And like- let’s be real here. If you’re guiding I’m still going to be somewhat using my cane. I don’t trust you that much yet.”

“Yeah. You shouldn’t,” Kai supports, “I almost crashed you into a pole last time. I did have you trip on stairs.”

“There’s only four stairs from here to the dining hall, not counting the bus and I know where they are.”

“Your funeral,” Kai says, and that settles the matter. 

They quickly gather their things together and head for the door. 

They make quick progress to the dining hall. Kai forgets to warn her of the first set of stairs, and when Remy points that out he swears loudly. He remembers the second set. They get lunch and sit, texting Elliot when they get there. 

“They/them now,” Kai says, just as Elliot sits with them. 

“Okay!” Elliot says, surprisingly cheerful as Remy nods in agreement. “Awww, no Cha-Cha, Rem? I miss my favorite person.”

“First off Cha-Cha isn’t a person, she’s a dog. Second of all, glad to know I’m second to my dog.”

“Nah,” Elliot says, “You’re third. Kai’s second.”

“Obviously,” Kai agrees at the same time as Remy’s exclamation of, “Hey!”

They’re joking. Remy knows they’re joking, and it’s funny. It is. 

Remy doesn’t know why she has to convince herself of that fact. 

They don’t see her as last. She’s their friend. They’re equals and they get along great and things are fine. Everything’s fine. 

Remy's entire world is crumbling apart. 

She’s miserable. 

The others don’t seem to notice her distress, which is a good sign. Remy doesn’t want them to know. She can deal with this herself. 

Kai starts to explain the plan with the puppies to Elliot. They seem as equally excited about it as Remy was. Remy smiles, puts on a facade of happiness. She picks at the rest of her food, appetite now lost. 

The puppies help. A bit. Remy thinks. Maybe it’s just a placebo effect. (Shouldn’t a placebo effect count still? It should, right? Any happiness is better than now, right? Is she even using the term ‘placebo effect’ correctly?)

The puppies are very cute at the very least. They clamor into her lap and their little bodies are so wiggly. Remy takes a seat on the floor and they immediately cover her. Kai and Elliot seemed equally pleased. Elliot sits next to him, cooing at the adorable little things. Kai was sitting nor far off from them, over on a bench, with a small pup in his lap. Remy assumes they’re still there.

A pup licks her face and a smile spreads across her face. Yeah, she thinks it's helping at least a little bit.

Eventually, they have to say goodbye to the puppies. None of them were pleased about that, but at least they got the experience at all. Kai splits from them to head to the library and so Remy and Elliot head back to their dorm without them. 

They fall into easy and comfortable silence when Elliot asks a question that Remy does not want to answer.

“Remy- are you doing okay? You seem- I dunno- off.”

“I’m just tired,” she says, and well, it’s not a lie.

Elliot sighs.

“Are you?”

“Yes?” Remy says, not quite sure what Elliot’s asking.

“I just- I mean, I’m not saying you’re not tired. But is there a reason you’re tired? I- You’ve seemed a bit down lately, so…”

“I’m fine,” Remy insists, “I just didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Okay,” Elliot says, dropping the subject. Remys knows they don’t believe her. Which is fair- Remy wouldn't believe herself either, and Elliot’s concerns were pretty much spot on.

They walk in awkward silence the rest of the way. Elliot goes to their dorm, and Remy to hers. Even though Remy knows that the tense atmosphere is largely her doing, she can’t help but wish that someone will break it. Anyone but her. (She knows it has to be her).

Remy works a bit on a paper, but she’s too unmotivated to do much. She just keeps running her fingers over the same line of braille without editing or adding on. Eventually, she gives up and takes Cha-Cha outside. They play fetch for a while and usually it’s a fun activity but this time Remy just feels empty. She feels lonely.

She feels sad.

She finally knows why.

She misses her dad. She misses life being easy. She hates admitting that the relationship she and her dad had was this fractured.

She’s admitting it all finally. It hurts. It hurts like crazy.

She’s not doing anything about the overwhelming sadness. The truth is, she doesn’t really know what to do about it.

Remy and Cha-Cha go back inside. 

Remy still can't concentrate on her paper, so she gives up once more and listens to an audiobook instead. She can’t focus and all the words blur together. She knows she’s going to have to listen to this all again the next time she plays it. She doesn’t turn it off.

Kai comes back at some point. They talk a bit. Kai takes their leg braces off and ices their knees. Remy pretends to do her homework. It’s a normal night all things considered.

Then Kai goes to bed and Remy doesn’t. Not normal, but not abnormal. The two of them tend to head to bed around the same time but not always. It's certainly not unusual.

What is unusual is how late Remy stays up. She always had trouble with sleep cycles and because of that, she does her best to stay consistent. But midnight approaches and passes, and then one, and then two, and then three, and then suddenly it’s four something in the morning and Remy still hasn’t slept.

Her thoughts are just too much. She’s exhausted. She’s so tired. But she can’t sleep. She can’t sleep and she’s so sad and she doesn’t know what she's doing anymore how did she think she could handle this she is drowning and-

And Remy sighs, makes her decision, and pulls out her phone. It’s time for a call.

~

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[all-the-love-harold]

Chapter 17 - Oliver Edward Styles

Master post 

Come and Talk about Harry and Poppy 

*Smut*

September 30th, 2017-  25 Weeks

Autumn had well and truly hit London. The warm summer days had been replaced by brisk mornings and cold afternoons, and Poppy was enjoying the cold nights snuggled up in bed, even if Harry wasn’t there to snuggle with her. He’d been gone for two weeks now and she was really starting to miss having him around, but she made a point of Facetiming him every night before she went to bed, which for him, was usually just after soundcheck before he had to start getting ready for the show.

Poppy had been really enjoying having her mum stay with her while Harry was away, but there was a reason she had moved to the other side of the world the first chance that she got, and she was starting to remember what that was. Her mother, while she was the most wonderful woman in the world, had a tendency to coddle her, and she was starting to feel a little suffocated by her constant checking in. .

“I’m going upstairs to call Harry” Poppy said to her, standing up from the couch where they’d been sitting watching a movie, hands remaining on her belly

“Why don’t you stay down here and call him dear”

Poppy rolled her eyes, feeling like a teenager again “I’m tired mum, I’m going to make a cup of tea, call Harry, and go to bed, why do I need to stay here?”

“Alright fine” she sighed “sing out if you need anything”

“Thanks mum” she walked into the kitchen, and put the kettle on and while she waited for it to boil she sent Harry a text “Facetime ready?”

“Always, my dear” he replied straight away, and she made her way upstairs, hot cup of tea in her hand and once she’d made herself comfortable in bed, she got her laptop out and made the call.

“Hiya!” he answered, a huge smile on his face “How’s my wife tonight”

“Tired” she sighed “but good, how’s my husband?”

“Also tired, I could use a nap before this show tonight, how’s the little prince?”

“Kicking like mad right now” Poppy laughed “must be able to hear you”

He smiled, resting his head on the cushion behind him “I can’t wait to meet him”

“Speaking of” she stroked her belly “He needs a name H”

“Harry” he laughed and she gave him a blank look, before rolling her eyes “Alright, not Harry then”

“I’m serious Harry! Babies like him can be born anywhere from 23 weeks onwards, he could come any time now and he needs a name”

“Alight love, don’t stress, we’ll think of a name” he said in a soothing tone “but we know he’s not coming that early”

“Anything could happen, I just want to be prepared” she sighed

“Alright, how about…” he scrunched his nose while he thought “Ryan?”

“I went to school with a Ryan, he was a dick”

He nodded “your turn then”

“I’ve always liked Charlie”

“Charlie’s good” he nodded “But it’s a little boring, what about Elliot?”

“I like Eli for short, but I think it’s quite popular at the moment and I don’t want him to have the same name as everyone in his class” Poppy said, a little disappointed because she did really like the name.

“Me either, alright, what about Daniel?”

“Harold.” she said bluntly

“What?!”

“What’s his father’s name?”

“Oh right” he said, smile falling from his face “Let’s not call him Daniel then”

“Good idea” she smiled sarcastically

They both sat in silence for a moment, thinking of names for their baby boy.

“What about Oliver?” Harry said

“Oliver Styles” Poppy nodded “I like that”

“I like it too” he smiled “Little Oli, yeah, I can see that”

“Did we just name our son?” she asked, a smile spreading across her face

“I think we did” he smiled, and she heard some bustling in the background as Jeff walked into shot

“Oh hi Jeffery” Poppy said

“Hi Pop, how’s that bun baking?”

She giggled “He’s about half baked right now”

Harry laughed, and Jeff smiled at her before turning to Harry “The crew and the venue security want to go through the curtain drop one last time before doors open so they need you on stage in five”

“No worries” he said to Jeff and turned back to Poppy “Sorry love, looks like I’ll have to go in a minute”

“That’s alright” she yawned “me and little Oli are tired anyway”

A smile spread across his face and he flashed his dimple at her “Well, you and Oli better get some sleep, I’ll call you again tomorrow”

“Love you H” she said, blowing him a kiss

He laughed and pretended to catch the kiss and put it in his pocket “I love you too”

“Don’t forget to send me a photo of tonight’s suit before you go on stage”

“I wouldn’t dream of it love” he giggled “Tell Oli I love him”

“Byeeeee Harry” she smiled hanging up the call, knowing that if she didn’t do it now she’d still be on the call when he needed to be doing things.  She plugged her laptop in to charge and took her cup downstairs and loaded it into the dishwasher, buzzing about having just named her son.

“What are you smiling about?” your mum asked, walking into the kitchen, loading her own tea cup into the dishwasher

“Nothin’” she lied, wanting to keep the name between herself and Harry until he was born “Harry just makes me smile”

***

October 20th, 2017 – 28 Weeks

Poppy was sat in the waiting room of her midwife’s office, Harry asleep on her shoulder, jetlagged after returning from America only a few days ago. He was set to leave for Europe in a few days, so she had to squeeze in her next appointment while he was home. herr last scan had gone well, Oliver was still small, but he was growing at a good rate, which meant that there was nothing to worry about. Today’s appointment was about the birth, and to say she were nervous was an understatement.

“Poppy” she was called by a nurse she was unfamiliar with, and turned to Harry to wake him up

“H” she whispered as he stirred “H, it’s our turn- we can nap when we get home”

“I’m up” he sighed as he opened his eyes and stood up. They were both lead into a room they’d not been in before, filled with birthing balls and yoga matts with a large sofa in the middle.

“You guys take a seat on the couch, I’ll be back in just a minute” the nurse said as she showed them into the room.

“I might just nap here” Harry yawned as he sat down

“Don’t you dare”

“I’m kidding love” he giggled, placing a kiss on her forehead “I know you’re nervous about this”

She rested her head on his shoulder “I know we’re only talking about it today, but it all feels so real now- like this kid has to come out soon”

“At least you don’t have to push him out” he said as the nurse walked back in holding a tray of tea and biscuits.

“Alright” she said placing the tray down on the coffee table “Mr and Mrs Styles, I’m Annette, I’m a labour and delivery nurse” she held her hand out and they both shook it “Can I get you a cuppa, while we talk?”

“Please” Poppy said, smiling at her

“Great” she poured the tea into two cups “Milk?”

“Not for me” Harry said, moving his hand onto Poppy’s leg for comfort

Annette handed them both their teas and sat down on the sofa opposite them “So today we’re going to make a birth plan for you” she smiled “we don’t usually do this until 30 weeks, but because your little one is likely to arrive early, it’s best to be prepared.”

Poppy smiled taking a sip of her tea “I agree, so how do we make a birth plan” she nervously laughed

“Well, in your case, there are two ways this could go, so we’re going to plan for both of them – dad, I’m assuming you’re going to be at the birth?”

Harry winced, hoping that this wouldn’t come up “Potentially” he said, trying to make himself sound better

She looked at him quizzically “What does that mean”

“He’s away for work until December 9th, so if the baby comes early he won’t be here” Poppy chimed in, saving Harry from embarrassment

“Ok” she sighed “let’s go through what’s going to happen if he comes on time then. You’ll be having a C-section regardless, with your condition I wouldn’t be game to risk a natural birth, it wouldn’t be safe for you or the baby”

“That’s fine by me” Poppy laughed

“So if you go into labour naturally, which unfortunately isn’t likely, you’ll need to go straight into the hospital and you’ll be taken into theatre from there, Dr Miller will be delivering your son and I’ll be your nurse, so you’ll have some familiar faces if Dad isn’t there” she glared at Harry “Once you’re in theatre, the anaesthesiologist will come in and give you an epidural, so that you can’t feel anything in the lower half of your body, but you’ll be awake to see the birth of your son- everything ok so far?”

“Yeah” Poppy nodded, feeling Harry’s grip on her leg tighten

“Great, well now we get onto the planning, assuming everything goes to plan, you’ll be giving birth on December 15th, with Dad present” she nodded at Harry, still grimacing at him “When you’re in theatre you have a few choices of how the birth can happen, first is if you’d like a clear plastic screen so that you can see the birth, or a solid fabric one that can be lowered if you change your mind?”

Poppy looked to Harry, unsure of what she wanted because until now, it wasn’t something that had even crossed her mind, he nodded at her encouragingly, not wanting to influence her decision too much, “I think I’d like the clear plastic”

“Ok” Annette nodded “I’ll make note of that here, and if you change your mind in the meantime, just let someone know at your next appointment and we can change it”

“Great” she smiled

“Secondly, would you like skin to skin contact immediately after the birth?”

“Yes” she said without hesitation this time

“Good” she smiled “given that he’s healthy and doesn’t require any medical attention, I’ll make sure that happens- finally, and this may not be something that you’ve thought about yet, so we can talk about it at our next appointment if you haven’t, but it’s important that we know before the birth- are you planning on breastfeeding?”

“Of course” Poppy said

“Great, I’ll make sure there’s a lactation consultant on standby to help you out with that after the birth- any questions?”

“No I think we’re all good” Poppy turned to harry and he nodded

“Alright, well that’s about all the planning we can do for now, we’ll have one more consultation at 32 weeks and after that I’ll see you in the delivery room”

“Sounds good” Harry stood and offered Poppy his hand to help her up and they both walked out of the room and thanked Annette for all her help before making her way out of the offices and back to Harry’s car.

“I don’t think she liked me” Harry said as he put the keys in the ignition

“She certainly wasn’t impressed with you being away for work” Poppy giggled, stroking the side of his face, along his jawline “I don’t mind though because Oli and I had a little chat the other night”

“Did ya?” he raised his eyebrows

“He promised that he’d stay in there, so he can meet his daddy when he’s born and so that mummy doesn’t freak out in there by herself”

“That was good of him” he kissed her hand, keeping his eyes on the road “I’ll be there Poppy, even if I have to fly half way across the world”

***

October 30th 2017 – 29 Weeks

“LONDON!” Harry shouted into his mic “How are you?!” the crowd cheered loudly and Poppy felt the flutters in her belly go wild. She was stood next to Gemma and Michal at the edge of the pit, where he could see her, for Harry’s second London show.

“I’ve lived here for about seven years now, and I’d just like to say thank you for having me, I’m uh, very aware that I only have 10 songs so you being here tonight means a lot, thank you so much. It’s nice to look out into the crowd and see so many familiar faces” he pulled the mic off its stand and walked to the side of the stage so that he was standing directly in front of you “Like my wife, she’s here tonight, uh, heavily pregnant and she’s in the mosh pit dancing like a crazy person”

Poppy’s cheeks were turning bright red and while she wanted to be mad at him she couldn’t help but smile right back at him.

“I’ll tell you what, there’s a reason I married her” he giggled and winked at her as he made his way back to the mic stand “everyone give it up for Poppy”

The crowd went wild and a few fans that were close to her squished towards her trying to get closer to say hello. Michal saw that she was getting crowded and grabbed her hand, helping her move over to the other side of him, which only made the fans behind her move forward.

Harry reached his mic stand and saw that she was  struggling “Everyone good over there?” he pointed towards her “Poppy you good? Need anything?”

“Space” she yelled back loud enough so that he could hear

“Alright, could everyone over there just take a step back and chill out for a second.” That only made it worse and she was starting to feel claustrophobic and short of breath

“Actually you know what?” Harry said, hooking his mic in place and walking away from the stand towards where she was. He leant down and spoke to the security guard who asked the crowd to make a passageway before Harry hopped down off the stage. The guard stayed close to him, not letting the fans even put a finger on him as he made his way towards her.

“What are you doing?” she asked as he got close enough to hear her “are you mad?”

“probably” he laughed holding out his hand “You’re coming up there with me”

“Absolutely not” she laughed as the crowd around her lost their minds at how close Harry was to them

“It’s safer up there” he said sternly “and your favourite song is next”

She rolled her eyes and took his hand, knowing that he wasn’t going to give up until she was up on that stage with him. On his way back through the parted crowd, Harry high fived a few fans and said hello to everyone in his path, signing a phone case or two for those prepared enough to have a pen with them. He lead Poppy to the side of the stage where she could both climb the stairs and make her way onto the stage, helping her up onto the raised platform in front of Sarah and the drums Harry handed her his bottle of water “You good?” he asked

“Thanks for saving me Styles” she smiled and gently kissed his forehead as the crowd went wild in front of them

“Got you the best seat in the house too” he smiled and turned back towards his mic “alright, now that’s sorted” the crowd cheered loudly again “should we sing some songs?”

“KIWI KIWI KIWI KIWI KIWI”

He turned and winked Poppy “If you keep chanting, for a few more minutes, I might just do it”

“KIWI KIWI KIWI KIWI KIWI” he stepped back from the mic, using his hands to encourage the crowd to keep cheering while he checked that the band were ready to go.

“She worked her way through a cheap pack of cigarettes…..” he sang and Poppy sat behind him dancing away, not worried that everyone could see her because she knew that he was about to start dancing like an idiot too.

“"I'm having your baby..” he turned around and held the mic up to Poppy, encouraging her to sing the next line

Hating him, she obliged yelling “IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” into the mic and laughing as he helped her down from her seat to sing the rest of the song with him. He sang the remaining verse but left the chorus up to Poppy and she was surprised by how therapeutic singing “I’m Having your baby, it’s none of your business” to a room full of people and having them sing it back to her was.

***

The second the show ended, and Poppy found herself backstage with Harry, the band and all the crew, she took him by the hand and lead him to his dressing room, locking the door behind them.

“What’s going on love?” he asked her, sounding a little concerned

She smirked at him as she began unbuttoning her blouse “I need you Harry” she said, sounding almost desperate.

“Is that right?” he giggled, taking his suit jacket off and throwing it over the arm of the couch “Come ‘ere then” he sat down on the couch and grabbed her hand pulling her down with him. Her shirt was completely unbuttoned now, and as she straddled his lap he began kissing up and down her torso, focusing on the swells of her breasts that bulged out of her bra. Eventually he unhooked it and gently caressed over her nipples with the tips of his fingers, knowing that they were extra sensitive right now. She threw her shirt off and helped Harry get his off too and he gently laid her down next to him, removing her shoes and then her jeans, revealing a pair of pink lacy panties.

“are these new?” he asked smirking and playing with the fabric over her centre

“Maybe” she moaned at gentleness of his touch

“It’s a shame you’ve made them so wet” he said pulling them down and tossing them to the side. He rubbed his fingers over her folds and brought them up to his lips “I’ve missed your taste” he said, voice low and full of lust.

“Harry” she whined, desperate to have him inside her

He smirked at her again and unbuttoned his trousers, revealing his already throbbing cock, “If I wasn’t so desperate to have you, I would’ve had a lot more fun teasing you” he said, lining his cock up with her entrance.

“That’s not going to work H” she smiled

“What the teasing?”

“No, that” she pointed to his cock as he hovered over her struggled to line it up with her centre because of the bump.

“Right” he giggled “Roll over then.”

She obliged and rolled over, placing a cushion under her belly, exposing her bare ass to Harry who was smirking behind her. This had never been a favourite position of hers but right now, it was all that worked.

He lined himself up and pushed her hair to one side, “You ready” he whispered in her ear, sending shivers down her spine. She nodded as she felt him push into her, causing her to let out a loud moan.

“Shh” he whispered “Doors aren’t sound proof love”

This was the first time since Harry had come home that Poppy had felt the need to have him like this and within minutes she was ready to come undone around him.

“Harry I…” that was all she could manage before the waves of pleasure hit her, causing her yell out his name as his covered her mouth with his hand trying to dull the sound so that everyone around them couldn’t hear.

“Shhh, that’s it love, quiet now, fuck you feel so good” the feel of her orgasm pulsating around him brought about his own and soon she felt his seed spilling inside her as he groaned above her.

When he was finished, he pulled out, and sat next to her, helping her sit up. Poppy leant her head on his shoulder as his wrapped his arm around her. They sat there for a while basking in the afterglow of their pleasure, catching their breath, enjoying the intimacy of each other’s naked bodies.

“Watching you on stage has always turned me on”

“I know” he chuckled “You’ve never hidden it well”

[amzngphil-rp]

The Motions of Dealing With People You Hate|| Baby Shower AU

@wishes-in-the--markmark @kristenmcatee-rp @crywastaken-rp @nerdynumme-rp

“But Papa-”

“No buts, Elliot. We have to go to Auntie Ro’s baby shower.”

“But the baby isn’t even there yet...” the boy fussed, folding his arms and turning away from Phil. He sighed and stood up, “Daniel!”

“What?!” screams the man from the other room, rushing in and standing in the doorway, “Phil what���s going on, he’s supposed to be dressed?!”

“Your son’s not getting dressed. He claims that because the baby’s not there, he shouldn’t have to go to the party,” Phil explains.

“Yeah, you guys just like dressing us up to go to parties,” Elliot adds.

Phil and Dan look at each other, concerned, then shrug as the dark haired one stood up and walked towards his husband, kissing his cheek in passing, “Your turn, babe.”

“B-b-b-bah..Phil..PHIL- ah god,” Dan tried to say before Phil was already downstairs.

“Love you, too, honey! I’m gonna get Persi something to eat, so we’ll meet you at the party-”

“But I-”

“I have to talk to my daughter, babe....go talk to your son!” he yelled as the keys jingled and the door opened.

“Bye Dan!” Persephone yelled before the door closed and locked.

“You had a point, Elli, but you get to see Harlan, and I get to drink with Papa, so let’s go get dressed.”

Shawna walked into the house and saw Vega playing with his puppy and smiled, “Hey Alti, how’s it going?”

“I’m Vega,” he looked up and let the dog lick his face.

“Sorry, buddy, I like your outfit...where’s your dad?” she asked, walking up and holding up her hand for him to five. 

He fived back, “He’s in the room with Altair, I think he’s trying to cheer up or get ready to see mommy again...I dunno.”

“He’s still in the room, Vega...He’s not getting up-” said Shawna, expecting it.

“Oh my god! We’re gonna be late...We can’t be late to our baby sister’s baby shower!” Altair stomped down to greet Shawna, also giving her five.

“Uncle Joey will have a conniption,” Vega added, looking at his twin.

“Well yes, but your mom will be very disappointed in your dad,” Shawna said, “So I’m gonna see if I can get him up.” 

“Miss Shawna likes my outfit,” Vega said as he stood up.

“Why can’t he get up himself?” Altair asked.

“Come here,” Shawna said, bringing them in and putting her hands on each of their shoulders, “Boys, your mom and your dad are having some problems agreeing with each other and your dad feels...very very bad about missing your mom.”

“Well, if it’s daddy’s fault then he should fix it,” Vega said folding his arms.

“It’s..welll..like I said, they are disagreeing with each other. It happens, just like you two don’t like things that each of you do all of the time, it still happens when you grow up,” Shawna explained, “So your mommy and daddy put themselves in time out.”

“But they have our baby sister coming,” Altair said, concerned.

“Is that why Reiner and Sylvan are with mommy?” Vega asked.

“More or less, yes...They’re taking care of your mommy and telling daddy that she’s okay and when the baby kicks and stuff when Uncle Joey can’t be there because he’s got kids of his own,” Shawna replied.

“I remember that. He slept over the first couple nights-” said Vega.

“Oh and remember when Uncle Ryan made us shepherds’ pie?” Altair piped up.

“Alright, then why don’t you guys get a bottle of water from the fridge and I’ll meet you guys back out here?” Shawna asked. Both of the boys nodded.

“We have to take Muffins for a walk anyway,” Vega said as they could hear the dog whine and paw at the door.

“Deal.”

Shawna was very surprised when Mark called her, but if the boys were any indication that shit had hit the fan, this was all she needed to know. She crept into the room, which was dark and full of trash. She dredged through it and got to the window, turning the shades on and getting some light going, which erupted a roar from the man. “Mark!”

“Shaw...what?!” he sits up, “How’d you get here so fast?”

“I own a car now...And you called me like last night? This morning, all I know is you told me to help you get over to the shower while your car’s getting worked on,” Shawna explained.

“What time is it?” he grumbled, rubbing his face and checking his phone, “OOHH SHHIT!” He begins to rush out of bed and starts throwing his clothes around running around the room, “Th-th-the Boys!..Aw god!”

“They said they’ve been ready to go for a while, they went to go walk the dog,” Shawna said, sitting on his bed, “When’s the last time you showered?”

“Yesterday, I just..I don’t remember after I got home from the gym..” Mark explained, rushing into the bathroom, turning the water on and throwing himself around, grunting as he frantically showered.

“Well you skipped the shower, but you fed the boys. There’s dishes in the sink...This is grad school all over again-”

“I didn’t...Ok, maybe I had to a few times,” Mark said, scrubbing furiously all through his body, “I’m not trying to.. be like that..today..especially.”

“Yeah, I know it’s hard, but you’ve got some good boys there, Mark. I can just let you borrow my car and you can take them-”

“NO..no..well..maybe,” Mark said as he grabbed his towel and wrapped it around himself, “Y-you wouldn’t mind?” he asked, sheepishly, shampoo still in his hair and squinting as he panted.

“Yeah, I could..watch the dog while you’re gone,” Shawna shrugged with a smile.

“But you’re all dressed to go..I wanted you to go with me..I-I need you to go with me...for the boys-”

“The boys will be fine, Mark. They’re older now, and their older brothers will be there..I’d think you just want me to drop you guys off or something..You’re the father, so- go wash your hair back out!” Shawna said, pushing him back into the bathroom, “Come on, don’t skip steps!”

Mark went back into the bathroom and began brushing his teeth and began to feel himself smile. Shawna’s good at keeping him on top, he was alone in doing this before, and who’s to say how many times he’s stopped getting ready because he just would. Grad school made the difference for him because he was doing it for Ro, he was doing it for his babies, but it was all still so hard. He never would have thought he’d befriend the girl who manipulated him and who used to make him uncomfortable if it wasn’t for their class project and that they were assigned as partners for working on their thesis. She really kept him together when he felt the most alone. He just never really said anything to Ro, who had been focusing on her cookbooks and her baking show, all the while being a mom. He knew they would disagree about being apart and doing what they both needed for each other, but he had to do good for himself and not just ride her coattails. 

Shawna always kept in the back of her mind that Mark and she are really lucky they had an opportunity to hit it off in grad school because she at times would look at Mark and see Andrew and his simple air, his caring eyes and his devotion. It reminded her of better times. Now as a wounded woman who grew, Shawna saw something in Mark in grad school that gave her strength not to do anything dumb- his devastation and fear of losing it all. His fear of losing Ro- the only thing that kept him sane, the fear of losing his boys- the things that kept him going, the fear of losing his family- the thing he created that could die in his hands. She wasn’t there to be with him, she was there to be for him, to be a friend when he was alone. Help him keep his routines up.

“Cyr...put that out and help us!” Joey called from across the room.

“Can it, Joey, I can work and smoke,” he said, taking one last drag.

“I’m surprised he’s still smoking actual cigarette,” mutters Cry.

“I’m sorry, but my vape’s in the shop. I’ll chew tobacco next time,” he said back, walking past them.

“Ew,” Cry and Joey said together.

“Aren’t you two just charming? Now..Rosie, dollface,” Cyr said, walking up to her in the kitchen, decorating cupcakes and cookies, “You need me to help you in here?”

“Uhmm..well yeah, can you first off not smoke in my house? Thank you,” Ro said, not looking up from the cookie, “Also there are salads in the fridge that need to come out. Fruit tarts and treats for the little ones and the last of the souffle need to come out of the oven and set, BE CAREFUL-”

“I got it, I got it, I know how souffle works,” Cyr said, closing the refrigerator gently and setting down the trays of treats, “They look great, doll..”

Ro blushed and looked up at Cyr, smiling at him. She felt a pang in her heart because Mark should be here. He should be here: helping with the party, helping with the decorations, helping her with the food setup. She just couldn’t deny herself him, either. She remembered the night. She had just gotten out the shower, they hadn’t even been sep-apart for more than a month. They were still blaming each other. And she had been...not here. She needed to feel, she needed something to get her going- she needed him. She called from a number through an app and couldn’t believe it was still the same. Her voice was croaky and shaky, it stuttered in her step to say it was her. She wanted to lie. She wanted to stop this. On the other hand, it was just a phone call, she could hang up at any time- she could just-

Well if it isn’t ring around the Rosie...How’s life?

Her breath had never caught harder. Toes curling, mouth agape, trying to crumple herself up so he couldn’t see her in her PJs and through her. 9PM turned into 11, and 11 turned into 3AM. 3AM turned into him coming over. He offered her a cigarette in the yard and she refused- she broke the news and loosened her robe. He nodded and pushed his hair back again. Ro felt her lip swollen from biting it so much, he put his hand on her face and stroked her cheek, just hard enough to make her stop biting her lip. He walked past her and went back into the house. She yapped quietly for him to come back and he turned around, confused. She realized then she reached for her wedding ring and her right hand to the necklace he bought her- and the left hand was bare. She covered her mouth and then tightened her robe, walking towards him with her own charm and talked with him about the party with one more cigarette. 

They would get into this routine frequently, for the next couple of months while she planned and didn’t speak to Mark. She’d put her phone on Do Not Disturb just after the last kid put his head on a pillow and he’d be outside. They’d go for a drive, he’d talk to her. He’d barely touch her, and when she did she felt fireworks. She frequently forgot her wedding ring. Lied to Cyr when he asked where her necklace went about the clasp being broken and needing to be cleaned, so it’s away. She’d lie to her friends about talking to Mark and writing him letters. Shawna came by Mark’s every other day or so and there wasn’t a single parcel or note. 

Joey and Cry were seething as they hung decorations and watched those two in the kitchen.

“I thought she was done with him,” Cry muttered, “Wasn’t that what she said?”

“Urgh..I really...really can’t right now, babe,” Joey said, throwing down the excess decorations and stomping towards the group of balloons starting to separate them.

“Babe..you’re upset..come here, take a break,” Cry said, pulling his husband close to him.

“SHE LIED!” Joey yelled, stomping, “She never lies and here she is with the grand master of fucking lies!”

“Alright alright, babe, let it out, come on..come here..I’m right here,” Cry soothed him, walking him to another part of the house.

Ro and Cyr were too busy laughing and having a brief water fight to notice.

The party has just begun and Shawna pulls up with the boys and a clean and put-together Mark. She looked and saw everyone here and all the kids running around and smiled, spotting Kristen and walking over to talk with her and PJ. 

Ro saw the whole thing from their bedroom window, she seethed. How dare she touch him? How dare she bring him here? How dare she touch their children, their dog? She shouldn’t be here. She ripped up a letter she had written to Mark and headed downstairs.

Mark was reacquainting himself with his house that he bought for his family, walking through the halls and touching everything. He never felt more together. He rushed upstairs, skipping steps, “RoBoat?!” He went faster as he approached the other flight and ascended some more, “RoBoat?!” He ran past the second landing and froze at the steps to their bedroom. He panted, enraged, YOU.

Cyr looked down and was raised his eyebrows, “Uh...Rosie?” he called back into the room before he was thrown against the wall.

“What are doing here...HUH?!..What are doing here?! Speak, you fuck! You bothering my wife again?! You can’t take a fucking message?! Even after all these years you goddamned snake!” Mark was tightening his grip and slamming the lanky man against his wall, pictures further down the hall falling, “I swear to GOD you laid one fucking filthy hand on her or my fucking children you’re a stain, you hear me?! A STAIN! FINISHED! OBLITERATED!”

“MARK?!” Shawna came running up the steps with Joey, Cry, Kristen, and Leda not far behind.

Hearing the ruckus being caused in the house, PJ acted quick and closed the door, turning to the concerned people who had gathered.

“Alright everybody, grab your kids and grab a seat! Uncle PJ is gonna put on a magic show!”

While Shawna and Cry were attempting to pull Cyr and Mark off of each other. Leda was standing still in shock that Cyr was here. He was actually here. She knew he was in Cali, but she hadn’t..it just hadn’t crossed her mind. She only kicked into gear when she heard a resounding slap from where Shawna was standing,  “Woah what the fuck?!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t you touch my HUSBAND!” Ro screamed when she slapped Shawna and wrapped her hair around her hand and wrist, dragging her back, “You don’t think I SAW you with him, you whore! Why can’t you leave us alone?! Putting your dirty..fucking..fingers all over OUR CHILDREN!” She was blind with rage, slamming the girl into the ground, pulling her up to kick her in the face and then slamming her into the opposing wall and knocking down the other frames hanging on the wall. 

Kristen and Leda ran up to the other women and got Ro to let go, and Shawna lay motionless on the floor. Ro was still in a state of rage and hysterics until she exclaimed from pain, and she clutched her stomach. Both girls ran her up to her room and the men stopped fighting as they looked at Ro clearly in discomfort. Mark sprung up and sprinted towards their bedroom with Joey and Cry behind him. Cyr sat up against the wall, panting using his sleeve to wipe the blood off. Kristen came back into the hallway and helped Shawna up, who was regaining consciousness, “You alright?...Holy fuck she did a number on you!”

“Y-yea..” Shawna said, panting as well, holding her head, “She’s got a helluva hurt for a pregnant lady..And look at you..am I seeing a ghost?” They both giggled as she started to clean herself up and asses her injuries, collecting the hair that got pulled out in the thrashing.

“I’m gonna go get some ice,” Kristen said, getting up then stopping to look at Cyr, “I’ve heard about you..hate to meet ya like this, brother.”

“Vincent Cyr...pleasure’s all mine, you woulda met me like this anyway..and just make that ice a double sweetie,” he said weakly with a bloody grin.

Scoffing Kristen rushed off with a slight blush on her cheeks. 

Leda came rushing back down and looked at her friends who looked back at her- as if to ask if Ro’s okay, “She’s just too excited, and her and Mark need to talk anyway..but god you two look like shit.” They all chuckled a little then Shawna groaned.

“I think she broke my rib,” Shawna said.

“I think he broke my nose,” Cyr said.

Leda sat in the hall next to Shawna and Cyr crawled over to sit next to them, “What am I gonna do about you two?” she sighed, putting a hand on both of their knees.

“An ambulance is a place to start,” Shawna said, smiling and looking down at the both of them, “And she musta knocked me hard cus I swear I’m seeing ghosts.”

“You?! Shit, I got this woman here pregnant and hadn’t seen her since,” Cyr said.

“Not funny,” Leda said, texting Matt downstairs to call an ambulance, “And I’m sorry. But..I’m definitely doing better now.”

“That’s good to hear, Leeds. ANd Shawna Howson is talking now?! Crazy,” Cyr said, looking at her, “How in the hell did you get involved with Mark to the point that you brought him here and Ro fucked you up like that? I’ve never seen her like that.”

“I always could, but it was just hard before,” Shawna began, “And neither have I. When they weren’t together and Mark was going through it, he had to clean the art room as punishment for some destruction he did to the Theta house and I had to supervise...His meds were fucked up and I told him that if we played a little game of Simon Says I’ll do him a solid and say he was here the whole day and he could go to his dorm and edit.”

“Oh MY GOD! SHawna! What’d you make him do?!” Leda asked, looking at her incredulously, “Cus I knew it musta been bad if I’ve never seen her like that either.”

“Did you fuck’em?” Cyr asked.

“Nah, we got a little handsy and we made out..Nothing deep. I forgot who, but someone went back and told her and she went off and warned me then to stay away from her and him or else,” Shawna explained, “I had no idea miss sugar sweet would be so rotten.”

“So you must have done something right if you’re cool with him to bring him and his kids to his wife’s baby shower while they’re separated,” Cyr said.

“Yeah well, I don’t think that was it. Cus see, something like this happened in grad school. She was pregnant again and him and her were really struggling. So they separated for a while, and his friends had all moved away so he was stuck on grad campus with me for six months before he could move back in with Ro, who was running around doing her book tour...And I didn’t do anything, obviously...he had just gotten married! But! He needed a friend. So I’d moved in with him to save on room and board costs and kept him alive and well while we finished our thesis. I just assumed he just never told Ro because he was only getting taken care of and wasn’t fucking me, and now today is a fact that I know he didn’t. So, you know, same thing four years later, he called me up and him and the twins have been sharing my house with me for the past couple months,” she explained, “And I’m guessing she called you up, Cyr?”

“Wait, wait! Cyr you were fucking her?!” Leda interrupted.

“No, no, nah..She’s married. If I wanted to ruin a marriage I’d go home and watch my ex-girlfriend text me behind my ex-roommates back- who’s now her husband, but that’s another story for another time,” he began, “Cus Ro likes the idea of being intimate with me and it soaks her panties that she can’t. So, I was a good friend and listened to her talk and took her on late night drives after her kids went to bed. She told me the first night we met up again two months ago she was pregnant with the baby because she refused to sneak cigs with me or drink- and when she did, she wanted wine. So you know, nice talk here, gentle platonic touch there, just anything to get her out of her head a little and stop biting her fucking lip. I’m surprised it never bled.”

“Wow...what card,” Shawna scoffed, “PJ did that for a while but then he realized I’m dependent on it, so he essentially put me in rehab to stop and I’ve been trying to find that someone since. Also, he couldn’t have his house vice a mess.”

“Cyr, come on, you’re telling me you were that clean? That doesn’t seem like you,” Leda challenged, “You didn’t finger her or eat her out or anything?”

“If I told you, I wouldn’t say it upstairs with them in the next room,” Cyr chuckled, “But I will say that some things happened but I’d stop because it’s...it’s just not right, you know? They gotta work their issues out by themselves and she can’t run off to live in her fantasies and lie to her husband about it. We’re adults now, we coulda gotten killed. Also, she’s got a fifth child to think about, and that means she’s not taking birth control and I’m absolutely not even touching that with my dick or a fifty-foot pole.”

Just then the ambulance pulled up and Kristen came upstairs with bags of ice.

[amzngphil-rp]

Oh BooHoo|| Youni Advent Day 2: Seasonal Blues

Cat serves the food to her child and gives Phil a look, “What?”

“Nothing...just..do you have to be so..aggressive?” Phil asked, wiping his mouth and putting the silverware down.

Persephone looks between her parents, eating her food quietly. Her mother stops putting her own plate together and looks at Phil. “Aggressive? Why do you think I was being aggressive?”

“Because you were. It was unnecessary. He didn’t need to hear that. He doesn’t need the reminder every time he comes here that you and I messed up-”

“Oh so now Persi’s a mistake?”

“I didn’t say that..And sweetie, you’re not a mistake. You know I love you. And Otosan loves you-”

“Mommy loves you too..”

“Catherine..”

“Don’t fucking Catherine me. Come clean about her. Make sure she knows where she came from, make sure she understands the strong woman she comes from.”

“Crazy and strong are two different things.”

“You’re one to talk, babe.”

“I have a condition...h-had a condition..”

“And our daughter has that same condition.”

“So who’s side are you on here?”

“The one that remembers who he got pregnant and told me he’d be back for me. That I’d always be in his heart. That he just wanted to see what guys were like...it’s probably not even that big of a fucking deal. Where’s that side, Phillip?!”

“Stop cursing in front of Persephone.”

“Didn’t she just get in trouble for called a girl in school a cunt?”

“Yeah...so?” Persephone cut in.

“No. No. Stop. Yes, she did, but she can’t call people..those..at 8 years old..She’s not even supposed to know what that word is-” Phil stumbled with his words.

“Dan said it one time and he said he uses it when he’s referring to something he didn’t like. So I called Elana Jovanich a cunt because I don’t like her,” she explained, “Not my guidance counselour’s fault he didn’t understand.”

“It’s okay sweetie. No harm done...Your father here has just been softened by the pansy you call Otosan.”

“I don’t call him Otosan, I call him Daan, I make it sound like Dad because he’s afraid of me hating him as a parent.”

“As he rightgully should be. He’s too weak for a girl as strong as you. And I would think your father would understand that. You need strong parents for a strong girl.”

“You want her to have heterosexual parents for a strong nuclear experience,” Phil interjected, “Daniel and I are nuclear and strong, just not heterosexual.”

“Yet Persephone has a brother.”

“Yeah, can we leave Elliot out of this? He’s mostly innocent. I quite like Bryony. I would want her as a mommy too,” Persephone said innocently, serving herself more of her favourite side: buttered carrots, “Is that possible? Could we just be a family of me, Bryony, Elliot, you and mommy?”

“You don’t mean that..” Phil said, gruff with frustration, “Persephone, you can’t say things like that about him. Whether you like it or not, that’s your Otosan, my husband. And just like me, your father. You don’t know everything about the world yet to understand how hard it is to see my husband take my son away from me because my daughter and her mother are being nasty about something that is, at this point, out of their control!”

“I’m sorry, dad. I’m also sorry for saying the word again,” Persephone wound down, looking to Phil with puppy eyes.

“Oh! Boo hoo! I’m allowed to think I’m right as an adult. You knew the risk flying out here alone to pick up lease at my other place. You knew that you can’t control yourself around. You know you still fucking love me. And if it takes pissing you off to do it nowadays, I don’t care...I just want...us back. is that too much to ask? We were so good together and I wanted you to come back so we can raise Persi together. You make me feel like a special little girl again..And I just...I want to know it wasn’t a lie.”

Phil pauses at her words and sighs, raising to his feet and bringing them in for a hug. “Cat..I’ve told you a bunch of times before that Zach is never coming back. I do have those thoughts and feelings sometimes, but I really, really only like you as a friend, I think we only work as friends. I didn’t mean to decieve you because I can’t control what Zach does, much less what he tells you...I’m doing the best I can for the both of you because I want Persi to know her mother, and for you to watch her grow. I’m not leaving Dan. And I hope he finds it in his heart to let this go and I can see my Elliot again.”

“Dad..where’d they go?”

“Probably to In and Out and back to the house...”