#theyre supposed to be under a lot of pressure okay...

[deoidesign]

What’s your favorite animal?

goblin shark

[bark-ing]

can you imagine remus getting dicked down for the first time???? his first time with someone, he's nervous and stressed but so eager. he worries a lot abt how he'll do or if he'll even like it........ a cup of inexperienced and stressed remus pls

immediately thought of moonchaser when i read this teeheehee

nsfw under cut

James would be so calm and gentle with remus, even if a part of james nearly makes him genuinely cum in his pants at how nervous remus is.

so anyways, before anything happens theres so much build-up. and I mean remus announced v awkwardly that he really really wants to have sex with james now since theyve already done most of the stuff u can do before actual fucking. + james is so careful to find out if remus def wants that and if he's not just asking abt it bcs thats what is supposed to happen. he knows remus is a little autistic BUT remus gets a little peeved that james wld actually consider remus wanting to fuck as him trying to fit in socially or wtv and get so intense abt wanting to fuck or get fucked! anything at this point. and that makes james pause. bcz he assumed that remus wld prefer to fuck him, and not the other way around, and because oh wow remus doesn't mind whos getting dick as long as one of them does.. and james forgets abt his original worries bcz now he has the chance to have the squirmy shy remus that he rarely has gotten to see bcz remus up to that point insisted on being more in control of things.

so they set a date for when they can meet up and once again. SO MUCH BUILD-UP. and theyre seeing e/o before during which james continues to make remus even more flustered abt it.

when it's finally happening, james has to fight remus on just relaxing and letting him take control this time. "You said you dont care about which one of us gets fucked today. so just lay there like a good boy and let me make it feel good for you or i'll have to tie you down." and remus shuts up so quick. but he's still anxious and nervous and every little touch, every kiss and breath he feels on his skin makes him flinch but james continues talking to him in a soft hushed voice and he keeps kissing him so slow and nice. by the time james finally coaxes remus to take his fingers, remus is already crying. crying at the tenderness with which james is taking care of him, at how it feels, wet and pressure and fullness and it feels good and he wants and he whines. he makes startled and scared noises each time another fingers stretched him more, at how james would suddenly speed up, or take his weeping cock in his hand to thumb at the tip. james would just coo at him, tell him "it's okay little puppy, you're doing so well," and remus would cry even harder as the anxiety of it all finally released.

except he cries even harder when james is pushing his cock inside. he cries so hard that james pauses, moves positions to lay down beside remus and gather him into his arms. and remus grabs onto james' waist and arm and ribcage and shoulder and he breathes shuddered breaths against james' neck and mewls softly at James' whispered 'i love you's. he feels like he cant breath when james starts pushing inside again, his hand gripping his thigh, his ass, guiding himself in, feeling the muscle stretch around his length. he reminds remus to breath, his own breaths shallow. his hand gripping Remus' hip tightly to stop him from moving so soon. he holds remus tightly to his chest, and they move their hips into each other in a gentle yet desperate rhythm. james revels in the new knowledge that remus is a crier during sex, and his kisses and licks the tears from his face, kisses his lips, salty with tears and snot but he doesnt care, not when remus moans and cries so softly, so sweetly.

[pixeljade]

Okay i've tried like 20 times to word this in a way that'll go as gently as possible but I dont think im gonna be 100% successful bc autism, so im just gonna post this and hope yall dont take it in bad faith:

Theres a lot of younger queers (especially AFAB ones) who still hold TERF ideology and the main reason I see them failing to let it go is because they cant embrace sex positivity.

Which like. I kinda get. I mean if I was AFAB and I grew up with creepy toxic masculine dudes constantly sexualizing me while i was still a child, and the pressures of family to reproduce, and all that shit that comes with being AFAB, i'd probably be scared as shit of sex. Heck I'm a *little* scared of it myself since I was sexually assaulted twice before I was 18! But I feel like thats something to fight against, because like...sex is healthy! Sex is good! Sex is the cause of literally all of our lives!!!!

And I'm not saying you have to have sex or anything, god no, I'm on the ace spectrum. I'm saying you have to be normal about sex, because sex is a part of life! Its ESPECIALLY a part of the queer community! And as much as it should be more welcoming to ace people, I also think demanding it be entirely chaste in order to welcome ace people is stupid and selfish and unhealthy.

"So whats this have to do with TERF ideology though?" Well, reader, I'm glad you asked, because "sex is scary" is the first step in the TERF ideology road! It usually goes "sex is scary" -> "men are scary" -> "anything with a penis is scary". And basically every queer person, at least on the surface, is against this. But under the surface, I find it all falls apart, especially amongst AFAB people. AMAB queers are expected to perform femininity to fit in, and almost always if it is the sort of space where femininity is scrutinized, it is expected that the feminine must also be chaste. I feel like thats no accident. It feels like any mention of sexuality from an AMAB person has them thinking about how we have a penis, such a lewd horrible thing, and then its like...instantly we become less womanly to them. They've let their fear tie femininity to a lack of sexuality, which is a TERF idea!

This also is what leads to more censorship of transfem people. As the recent bannings of transfem people on this site continue, I see a lot of posts saying stuff like "You wouldnt have this problem if youd just stop posting sexual content", even being reblogged by supposed allies.

And you might be thinking "well I'm AFAB but I'm trans, so, this doesnt apply to me. Theyre talking about actual TERFs!" And no, you're wrong. I see transmasc people who pull this shit ALL THE TIME. I recently had a transmasc friend cringe and tell me that the fact that I liked Asumi-chan Is Interested In Lesbian Brothels was a red flag because it was "clearly for the male gaze" which is absolutely TERF behavior. I also see a lot of transmasc people being dismissive of transfem fears in the current trans political situation. Its seemingly almost always a specific brand of UwU cottagecore transmasc that does it too, and a few of them I've even caught admitting they "used to be a TERF" which, I'm glad you no longer associate with them, but I'm telling you you still have shit to unlearn. Dont tell me this is out of my lane, either, its no different from if someone pointed out I still had toxic masculinity to unlearn! Which has happened, and I've examined mine. Why do you find it so unreasonable to examine yours?

Anyways thats all for now. Please do better. I shouldnt have to deal with this shit while the government is trying to kill me.

[lunarifie]

Rewatching Ninjago

(With no context other than the episode)

The Tournament of Elements episode 9-10

Uh huh. So im just supposed to believe that the people of ninjago city are scared of serpentine ppl (like skyler) when the serpentine just saved them from the overlord

Skyler: i wish i still had the power to change

Kai: you have changed, your with us now.

Thats actually so sweet

Kryptarium prison: jail for the worst of the worst.

Dont the ninja get thrown in here once

Pythor: AND forced me to take a shrinking pill!

That wasn’t for you and NO ONE told you to jump and take it.

Cole: ill handle this!

(Throws rocks at prison bars almost freeing inmates)

Cole you dumbass.

Keep forgetting these two anacondrai are kapow and chope. They changed :(

They were so goofy before

Lloyd: we cant let him get into the wrong hands! Literally…

Pythor: oh i get it, its literal because of my size. 😒 Well, im a little sensitive so-

Garmadon: a little sensitive?

Love them pun teaming

Cole: It aint fair! Why do they get weapons and we dont!

Jay, completely serious: Everythings a weapon in the big house. (Fights an anacondrai with a toothbrush)

Jay have you gone to jail

Cant believe Wus snake racist

Maybe he should have gone with the ninja and seen the snakes new civilization under ground

Lloyd: I lost him

Garmadon: wha- What do you mean you lost him?!? Find him!!!

Hes such a dad 😭

Wait wait wait i forgot when were there pirates

Oh ok when garmadon brought them to life with the mega weapon.

Got it

Why is it that they never use their elemental power when they actually need to

COLE. DONT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. NOW THEYRE ALL GONNA ESCAPE.

(Cole, busting down walls to escape.)

Jay: when people try to bust out of jail, they do so quietly. not literally!!!

Jay. Have you. Been to. Jail.

Okay pythors actually hilarious

THE MEME SCREAM

ITS BEEN SO LONG

Jay: what happened to ‘we stay as one?’

Garmadon: this isnt a vote jay, this is war.

Good to know jay knows when to stfu

I actually feel like sometimes he takes garmadon more seriously than Wu

I feel so bad for Garmadons guilt, like honestly, the letter isnt even that bad. Yeah its a dickish thing to do. But if wu and misako dwell on it and get angry then thats on them, it happened YEARS ago and it was chen who pressured him.

Misako: theres smth wrong… what aren’t you telling me.

Garmadon: were on the threshold of war and im a man-snake. Take your pick.

Jenfusbdjfbskne

Misako: the letter? Oh! It was the reason i fell in love with you.

Oh.

Well…

Lloyd probably felt like he scared that kid with the dragons blast, but he didnt get to see how the kids eyes sparkled and threw his soccer ball away, asking anyone if they wanted to play dragons 😭

I actually love Coles dragons design.

This whole season Cole has a sort of greenish glow to his powers but im pretty sure later its more lava like and I cant decide which one I like more.

Praise that old lady who only cares about driving her car and not being blocked by dragons in this madness

KAI STOP FIREBLOCKING THE ROADS.

NO NOT THE DRAGON LOVER KID

Wu let Garmadon be angry i feel like hes allowed to after everythings chens done to him 💀

STOOOP

NO.

CHEN.

YOU FUCKER.

GARMADON WAS GONNA TELL THEM HIMSELF.

HE WAS ABOUT TO.

IM GENUINELY ANGRY WTF CHEN.

im crying.

Wu bro pls hes sorry he said hes sorry

Ik if that happened to me I would be pissed asf

But still!!!!!

At least skylers keeping a steady head.

HFJSNFJDNSJNR

Wu's passive aggressiveness is so funny

And fair

He needs time and that's ok

Wu thinks a lot like an actual military or war general

Very strategic

KAI AT THE DOOMSDAY COMIX GIVING A SPEECH FOR HELP

JAY AT THE JUNKYARD

ZANE AT HIS MONUMENT STATUE

COLE AT THE PRISON

I'm so hyped

WAAAAR

THE LITTLE SNAKE BOY WITH A BOMBER JACKET MADE A HUMAN KID FRIEND IM CRYING

my favorite trope is when the city fights with the heroes

(statue and rocks fall down)

Awkward silence

The anacondrai a second later: ARAAARGRHRRRR

Pythor named the sewer rat Rodrigo

Is this pythors character arc???

Skyler after throwing her father: sorry, but i have a few daddy issues.

HFISNFJSJRKR

I said this in my last reaction but Garmadons urge to self sacrifice himself as an act of heroism to make up for what hes done/doesn’t think he deserves to live, is smth so obvious but smth i thought he changed and grew from

Now hes relapsing :(

Lloyd: you think im gonna stick around to watch you go! Fine! My real family needs me.

LLOYD NO 😭

I FORGOT GARMADON SACRIFICED HIMSELF BEFORE TURNING EVIL THIS IS GONNA KILL ME

Not the melodramatic music.

NOT THE FLASHBACKS

this is unfair

Lloyd literally a minute after (comes back): if anyone should be sending you off. Its me.

Well that was quick.

Had a whole realization in 0.5 seconds

Garmadon: I yearned to make the world in my image. I never realized I already had, in you.

Brb sobbing my eyes out

Even pythors like 😧

I love when rad snakes kill poser cultists

I hate that the “whats wrong! Looks like you’ve seen a ghost!” Joke from Cole was completely intentional in foreshadowing bc the anacondrai generals look just like Morro and Cole when theyre ghosts and the ghost seasons right after this

Chen: Save me skyler!

Skyler: 🙂

They made pythor big again :D

What the anacondrai generals said to Lloyd is probably the most respect hes been given for like, EVERYTHING EVER.

Skyler

No, no you dont. You DONT need to take up the family business. Let it burn to the ground. Its fine :)

NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY ARE YOU BURNING THE SPELLBOOK THATS SO USEFUL WTFFF

HFNSJFNSNR WHY IS MORRO HERE

he popped out of nowhere and that took me so off guard

[surpriserose]

Okay I don't know anything about me or it's lore but how would a JoJo ME au go

Oh my god terrible <3 you cant trust joseph with a plane hows he gonna do on a fucking spaceship??????

I honestly have no idea how to translate anything from jojos into mass effect like GXGSHZJSJSJS

Like if i had to assign jojo characters to swap with me characters........hmmm okay suspend your disbelief if i start going through these and some of the jojos are human and some arent im thinking personality wise ztdvdisbsisn

Shepard idk shepard is the main character i think theyre still exactly the same theyre just some guy who does everyones space laundry

Kaidan is Jonathan they both get cast as bland good guys when theyre so much more >:( also idk biotics can make an okay parallel for hamon

Ashley is like fucking? Maybe hermes fits the most? Like ash is kind of a badass and shes funny and a little blunt yeah wait hermes ashley omg 🥺

Garrus is abbacchio sorry hes an ex cop not satisfied with how much he was able to get done on the job and hes kind of a jackass (affectionate) also this makes abbacchio a spikey alien man sorry hes a turian now

Tali is.....foo fighters? Like tali is a quarian theyre stuck in suits because of their immune systems and thats kind of like hijacking someones body??? Also tali is very sweet and new to the world outside of her society and also kills ppl with a shotgun thats ff adjacent :)

Wrex is....god wrex is so complicated its hard to assign someone to swap him with? Like hes given up and only lives for his next job except not really he cares so much about his people the krogan and hes funny and gruff and an old man and your bestie and he lives to fight and hes a leader and a giant lizard dude LIKE!!! HOW DO I EVEN ASSIGN THAT??? Fucking??? Bucciarati??? I mean he kind of gave up until he met giorno??? Thats like??? Close????

Liara is fucking...mikitaka??? Like shes a nice alien whos a genius who hasnt interacted with people much and doesnt understand social cues well until part 3? Like idk thats the closest i can get? Also idk she thinks ahead and just really wants to help and thats kind of like mikitaka in the superfly fight?

Okay that's me 1 done......me2 has so many ppl tho...garrus and tali are back so thats 2 i can ignore....

Miranda is well shes got lots of issues but her main one is perfection like shes supposed to be perfect and shes cracking under the pressure and she has a shitty dad? Like i feel like that can kind of fit Trish plus miranda is so mean for awhile but its kind of a defense mechanism just like trish?

Jacob is just kind of nice dude trying to find out where he needs to be you know? And because of that everyone hates him ignores him and thinks hes boring when idk hes just a dude (affectionate) He also has a shitty dad so like....giorno? Like jacob also joins a shitty organization so ftwhvdisvsiq the biggest difference is that jacob is so much more of a follower than a leader for so long vzisdbsk

Mordin is a mad scientist and a weird amphibious fish lizard man? Idk look up the salarians i think you would love them and especially mordin <3 idk mordin is also a character thats sooooo complex its hard to even talk about him because i just go 🥺🥺🥺 and the closest youre getting in jojo is probably like? Idk why fugo comes to mind? Like mordin doesnt have anger issues but hes definitely really rude!!! Also hes smart as shit but caring and unable to relax and hes atoning for shit omg fugocore......

Grunt is grunt like hes a krogan he loves violence hes like two weeks old and going through puberty shepard is his mom hes so fun and excitable??? I love him??? I mean...narancia??? Like narancia is so violent when he wants to be and he acts really young but like idk? Grunts hard to assign hes just kind of his own dude <3

Jack oh fuck jack my beloved oughhh shes human shes an infamous criminal she has to be a huge bitch because she cant let herself get close to people shes got a tragic backstory and she loves violence and crimes and women like idk again it doesnt really fit anyone? I mean if you want the biotics to hamon parallel because biotics are just space magic.....lisa lisa? Shes no where NEAR as violent and bitchy as jack but lisa lisa has been on the run for most of her life and shes really outwardly cold but ough lisa lisa probably fits samara better??? Okay im swapping the milfs around jack is now caato Higashikata from part 8 who literally murdered someone and is so unrepentant and bitchy i love her but also shes caring but not outwardly and oughhhhh caato <3

Zaeed idk zaeed is grandpa war crimes hes a mercenary hes just kind of a guy who loves hearing himself talk so...will zeppeli??????? Idk zeppeli is old and kind of an asshole and neither he or zaeed get much screentime yzywvziwsjqksbfje

Kasumi is a master thief whos mostly sarcastic and shes missing her dead partner and honestly i love her so much shes very sweet and funny?? Hmm i..im...po...polnareff??????? Im?? Im just gonna leave that there i guess im sorry kasumi

Samara is an asari justicar think of them as like extremely lawful good paladins so shes lisa lisa since they are both milfs who are super estranged from their kids in service to a higher goal and also theyre kind of stand offish at first also lisa lisa is canonically catholic boom religion

Legion is a geth theyre a robot dude??? Theyre like 1000 progams in one robot body which is why theyre called legion so uh that doesnt really fit...anyone??????? Uhhh???? Legion gets to stay legion they and shepard are watching these swaps like 😥🔦 (geth have flashlight heads)

Thane is ougghhh thane my beloved hes a drell hes a lizard man hes a dilf hes got so many issues hes an assassin hes catholic hes a boytoy hes got a medical boob window hes oughhhhh my bestie i think hes got to be like one of the two good jojo dads? And even then that doesnt fit because thane was an absent father but i think he gets to be jobin from part 8 who is trying to make things better for his son but fucking EVERYTHING UP also he likes beetles and thane probably eats beetles

OUGHHHH OKAY ME3 GARRUS LIARA KAIDAN ASHLEY AND TALI ARE BACK SO IM SAVED A BIT AGAIN

James is a young guy whos kind of aimless which is why he joined the military and thinks thats really all hes good for and really looks up to shepard <3 idk like i guess okuyasu is kind of coming to mind in that james doesnt always think things through and looks to shepard for answers a lot plus idk James is very sweet and friendly and a bit of a macho dude which is a lot like okuyasu idk :)

Edi is a sexy robot lady 😔 her personality is shes a sexy robot lady idk what to tell you she can join shepard and legion in the pile so 😥🔦🤦‍♀️

Javik is jotaro no one fucking argue with me on this javik is such an asshole hes so blunt i love him hes failed everything ever and hes so pissed about it but hes my bestie <3

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

Tommy’s (and Tubbo’s) Character /rp /dSMP

This is a bit of a rant so like be warned. I have nothing against any CCs mentioned in this, this is all roleplay, lighthearted, and just a bit of fun analysis. Mostly this is a ramble about how I see certain people analysing Tommy’s character on tumblr and twt, and why I think they’re wrong. This isn’t directed at anyone specific, just a trend I’ve been seeing that kinda irks me. I don’t dislike the fandom, just a few ‘takes’ have been really weird for me.

TW for everything below: analysing the effects of trauma, abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and lack of therapy.

I’m not really liking how victim-blamey everyone is getting currently in the dSMP, both in fandom and canon. In canon with certain characters but especially in fan analysis posts and especially about Tommy and Tubbo. People legitimately celebrating that Tommy might start ‘apologising’ for his actions more and 'growing as a person' somehow don’t realise that hes been made this way through a tonne of negative reinforcement. abuse, and gaslighting. And people blaming Tubbo for actions he had no choice in, rather than the actions he did choose.

Currently, as I see it, Tommy is so scared that anyone would find a reason to be pissed off at him that his fighting spirit has been completely crushed. He was exiled and abused when he should have been helped and given an understanding figure to guide him and teach him how to deal with things non-violently. In everyone’s eyes, the problem was that Tommy was creating violence with no real reason, acting recklessly and commiting crimes. Tubbo, having made him a part of his cabinet, knew that this would only harm the country. So instead of talking to him reasonably, he got angry, put him on trial, and punished him with the logbook (humiliating him by making him report back to Fundy, which he obviously hated). Tommy’s actions were, of course, bad, but did he deserve everyone ganging up on him? No. Especially when Tubbo was supposed to be in his corner, helping him out like he always said he would (”It’s me and you vs Dream” etc). This is the first betrayal of trust from Tommy’s POV. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong to its full extent, and no one can explain it to him. 

However, Tubbo was under a lot of pressure from Dream and George, and he’s a literal child President, so his ‘safety over friendship’ actions are understandable. I don’t believe Tubbo is solely to blame for anything he’s done in season 2, but it can’t all be excused. If you are to blame Tommy for his recklessness, you have to blame Tubbo, at least partially, for his disregard for Tommy’s feelings and mental state. There were other ways to go about the entire thing, including the trial, which was just horrible to watch, and agreeing to give Dream the disc, something Tommy gave him in pure confidence that it would be safe with Tubbo. Yikes moment.

At that time, Tubbo knew a lot of things about Tommy. In fact, he probably knew the most about Tommy out of anyone on the server. He knew the discs were incredibly important and a comfort item for Tommy. He knew Tommy had trauma from being exiled in the past. He knew Tommy was abused, or at least manipulated by Wilbur, in addition to growing up in war. Wilbur once told Tommy to stop being reckless, and Tommy listened, changing his attitude because he looked up to Wilbur so much. Then Wilbur said ‘let’s be the bad guys’ and stopped trying to mentor Tommy. There’s a conflict here, because Tommy was told by Wilbur that he wasn’t good enough to be President (links to the idea of ‘not being strong enough’) but he knows that Wilbur was a bad person. But Tommy is never given the chance to reconsile his feelings surrounding Wilbur, both because of Ghostbur and because of the conflict he starts with George. So he is harbouring a mixture of emotions about his mentor and brother, not understanding how to untangle the ‘real Tommy’ from the manipulated boy he became. 

What was going through his head when he stole from George and griefed him? Perhaps the thought that he needed to show he was still the same old Tommy. Maybe the need to ‘prove himself’ as a strong person? It could have just been an outlet for his trauma. He’s grown up in a world where everyone is either a friend or an enemy. George isn’t a friend. How was he supposed to know that hurting him was bad?

Tubbo was pressured into the actions he took against Tommy, but he was pressured far too easily. There is no moment where Tubbo turns to Tommy and makes sure he’s okay, he views him as ‘selfish’ and overdramatic, and sees his actions that way. This makes sense from Tubbo’s POV, he’s struggling to be President in ways that Wilbur *knew* he would, but in Tommy’s eyes this is the worst betrayal he’s ever known. The moment Tubbo (rightfully, but poorly executed) defies Tommy’s plan to hire Technoblade (ahem, seeing Techno as a weapon again) and exiles Tommy is the moment their friendship shatters. They’re two people who don’t understand each other anymore. Two people who are technically in the right, but only hurt each other. 

What Tommy needed was a therapist, instead he had Dream, who put out the fire of rebellion that made him so strong, and Techno, who was trying to help but doing it in the wrong way. 

People see tommy's change post-exile as a good thing because he's not as rebellious anymore and he’s thinking things through a lot before he does them, but they will soon realise that his rebellion was one of his best traits and the fact that no one saw it as anything but a problem really shows. He now second-guesses himself so much and is so scared of being wrong that everything seems too difficult and too dangerous. Every trait can have a positive and negative side. Tommy's defiant nature would have made him the perfect negotiator with a little practise. In fact, he had plenty of good ideas before he was exiled (using spirit against Dream, though it didnt work in the end, for example). The negative side of this was recklessness and the desire to cause problems on purpose, but what he needed was a friend (looking at you Tubbo) who understood that hes been through several wars, was manipulated by Wilbur, and hasnt known a time of peace where everyone who wasnt on his side was out to kill him. Now that ‘fight’ is gone he's just become easier to manipulate.

He may be getting better (see: telling Dream to go fuck himself) but there hasn't been any long-term growth because he was never told what kind of rebellion was good and what was bad. He was just told it was all bad. By Dream (and by Tubbo). Who he doesn't trust. So he's just going to revert back to his old ways because no one told him what was bad in a way that didn't make him feel like everyone was against him. Dream is the enemy (though Tommy’s feelings towards him are complicated, they make his brain go all ‘flippy floppy’) and Dream told him that rebellion was bad, so rebellion must be good always, right? 

And then there's Techno. Techno did nothing wrong except for when he did. Techno is 100% right except for when he isn’t. He doesn't understand Tommy because Tommy was never fully open about what Dream had done and how it affected him. That's not Tommys fault though, because who the fuck openly talks about their trauma? So neither of them are to blame for pretty much anything up until the confrontation at the community house. 

However, Techno's methods and ideology were not what Tommy needed. He was thrown from one extreme to another over and over again, from complete subservience to total rebellion. Neither of these inforce good attitudes in Tommy. One, as stated before, makes it so that he will regain his negative traits again. The other reinforces those violent traits as good, just like Wilbur did. The only difference is that Techno had good intentions, he wasnt trying to use Tommy, which is why he feels so used when Tommy 'betrays' him (Techno doesnt realise that he himself betrayed Tommy by teaming with Dream, he sees it more as a transaction than a personal thing). Techno feels so hurt by Tommy ‘viewing him as a weapon’ that he goes on with his no-mercy attack, completely dropping Tommy at his lowest point. 

Tommy says he doesn't want to be like everyone he's hated. In fact, he say's he is 'worse' than all the villains. This is very obviously untrue, though he was clearly going down a dangerous path with Techno's influence (see: bullying Fundy, spawning wither, kidnapping Connor, and saying that the discs are more important than Tubbo, more on that later). He's not a villain but who exactly has said he's not a villain. Dream? Techno? Neither of them can be trusted in his eyes. They say he's a good guy, Wilbur wanted to be the bad guy, who's right? He doesn't know. He has a crisis of morality. 

And? Some people want to point at that and say 'aha! Character development! He's finally realising his actions have a negative affect on others!' OH GOD NO??? He's a *child* who thinks that he is worse than his abuser. Does that sound like positive character growth to you? 

Lastly, the discs. We know theyre a comfort item blahblahblah. He hates himself for valuing them more than he values Tubbo. He's literally innocent in this. He’s been horribly manipulated by Dream to believe that the discs are worth anything. Theyre really not worth anything if they are being used as tools rather than, yknow, discs. My poor boy. He doesnt trust people, so what can he trust? The discs. But then he says it out loud and realises he misses Tubbo and he wants to be with his best friend again and and and WAHHHH. This also isnt really character growth its just fucking sad leave me alone. 

Anyways what the fuck guys. @ Niki and Jack what the fuck. Yeah we get it it’s miscommunication but wtf. Kinda worried that the actual lore will make Niki and Jack’s hatred of Tommy justified in some way and take on a big victim-blamey vibe, but I’m hoping that everyone is smart enough to not do that. I cannot praise Tommy enough for how he’s portrayed his character. I’m currently hoping that he himself understands the true complexity of it all. I’m sure he does.

Mostly though im actually pissed off at all the people praising tommy's character for 'maturing' when hes literally just got trauma. Nice one, tumblr and twt users. Thanks. Great job. He hasnt 'learnt his lesson', he’s traumatised. What the fuck.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, leave your responses in the reblogs and comments.

[reynie-muldoons]

'The Art of Conveyance and Round-Trippery' Liveblog!

Sorry this is a few days late!! I moved across the country this weekend, we drove like 13 hours within 2 days and we did a lot of heavy lifting. I'm exhausted, but the boxes are slowly emptying and I've been wanting to watch this episode so gd bad, so LESGO

Over halfway through the season!!!! That's absolutely surreal

1:11 oooh they're getting their royal fitting

1:22 LMAOO WTF 😂���� Princess Diaries vibes

1:42 ✨CONFIDENCE✨

1:52 Alfonse is a perfect name for that guy HAHA

2:05 Nathaniel, my guy, you've made some points

2:11 "do you feel your power?" POWER RANGERS, GO

2:24 no no hesitation just prolly thinkin bout how he was caught cheatin

2:39 "can you not allow yourselves luxury?" okay fr I feel that I get Nice Things Guilt(tm) too easily

2:52 dayummmm let's talk about Sticky being a hat stall between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, mans is brave as fuck under extreme pressure and loyal to the point of putting himself on the line

3:15 bro Sticky getting some recognition. Love to see it, he deserves it

3:19 "is that a coincidence? Or written in the stars?" IS DR. CURTAIN CATCHING ON THAT THEY KNEW EACH OTHER BEFORE OR LIKEEEE

3:49 WHAT WORD AROUND CAMPUS 😭😭😭 MY BOYS ARE NOT A MISTAKE HOW DARE YOU

4:09 why doess the action of Dr. Curtain putting the sash on them seem so nefarious

4:36 I dont really understand the whole pastel yellow, blue, and pink palette of the school but the boys both look pretty okay in their vest-sash getup

4:42 THE OPENINGGGGG. This shit slaps.

5:41 Kate and Constance look so fucking cute in that shot, dont ask me why but hnnggggg

5:54 sash rope 😂😭 kate, honey, that's a reach

6:09 it might feel buttery, but, my guy, it also looks buttery. It's literally the color of butter. Get yourself some crisco

6:24 I find it kinda interesting that they made up new riddles for the show, I'm almost positive that that one wasn't in the book. Correct me if I'm wrong though

7:03 "I'm not gonna apologize for knowing things" the sass. the ✨confidence✨. living for it

7:03 If they build on that it sets Sticky up really nicely for the arc in the second book where he starts to show off a little

7:15 tiny Constance who is constantly dressed in pink with cute little braids is the perfect medium for the most morbid comments 😂😂

7:55 Martina's hot in her uniform. Can't prove me wrong.

8:15 why does that make me sad 🥺 eat with your friendssss. iirc they only talked about eating at the Messenger table in the books

8:26 dipshits forgot their lunches. Seems Constance is holding the communal braincell atm

8:50 anyone have Guiness on speed dial? Reynie and Sticky have a submission for them

9:25 oh hello this was alluded to in the preview!!! Morse code is compromised, rip

10:05 so are Jackson and Jillson stuck with night guard duty all the time?? They've been outside at night a lot

10:18 ahhhhhh the little blinkie light, stopppp

10:25 MILLIGANNNNN!!!

10:25 so is this the point where he starts staying on the island with them????

10:39 so are they just like "fuck it we'll do it right before sundown" ???? Like Jackson and Jillson are still gonna be on the lookout, they aren't gonna chill just because it's not fully dark

10:50 did the kids.....just not tell them that Mr. Bloom was on the island 😂 nice oversight guys

11:05 MADGE TIME MADGE TIME

11:05 remind me to tell you guys a story about Madge, I may or may not have done something irl a few years ago that would make y'all proud 😂😂😂

11:16 idk why but it makes me so happy that they kept Madge as a peregrine falcon

11:37 Rhonda, my love, you have my heart in your hands

11:46 roll credits

12:05 THE HEAD SHAKE HAHAHAH

12:06 Awww man, I was so excited for Milligan to be on the island .-. He must have been scoping out the inlet

12:07 "they're quite regal" A. I read the subtitles as "legal" the first time and that's somehow really in character for him, and B. IS MILLIGAN GOING TO NAME HER???!? HER MAJESTY???? PLEASE I WOULD LOVE THAT SO MUCH

12:15 his grimace KILLS ME

12:17 the hard cut from Nicholas in a brown setting and brown suit to Nathaniel in a blue setting and blue suit was lowkey striking

12:36 are they looking up Morse code 😳 can you imagine if they wrote down the message and are now decoding it

12:41 omfg all that for a HAT 🙃 I feel stupid

12:51 two things: 1. Those walls are atrocious, and 2. Yeah, talk about Morse code in a louder voice Connie girl, you're just in a public hallway

13:03 I'm sorry but those orange pillar things are not the vibe

13:03 the golden gate bridge called, they want their arches back

13:10 please let Kate climb the tower before the end of season 1. please.

13:22 y'all are about to be flying something else 😎

13:33 cleansing breaths

13:47 OH HELLO MESSENGER DUTY ALREADY??

14:06 what the heck is that teal pole for 😭😭

14:12 blindfold timeeee

I'm so sorry but I'm exhausted, it's 11:30 pm on Sunday night right now, I'll finish this episode tomorrow morning after I get some sleepies

~~

Good morningggg lesgetatit

14:50 "vomit of metal" ashhdjdjd

15:16 a wild Martina appears!

15:36 and if you folks look to your left, you'll see a wild Constance being the voice of reason once again

15:57 "lose the bucket" "I'm not gonna do that" HELL YEAH KATE

16:07 I get not having the bucket on the court lolol, I thought Martina was telling Kate to lose the bucket in general. Like, yeah, good luck convincing her to so that

16:35 show!Kate is much angrier than book!Kate and I'm still deciding how I feel about that. The Kate we've known from the books is a sunshine baby with looots of repressed trauma.

17:03 ......what is that. why is that.

17:11 WAIT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE REYNIE AHEHDJDJD

17:15 HI MADGE

17:41 the grand swell in the music makes me think it's going to go comically wrong

17:51 she's majestic because she's a queen 🥺

18:03 LMAO CALLED IT

18:14 Rhonda and Number Two getting at each other is such a sisterly thing to do 😂😂😂

18:37 ohhhhh? Someone's approaching? Miss Perumal perhaps????

18:45 YEAHHHHH BABY

18:50 PROTECTIVE MOM COMIN IN HOT!!!

19:22 THEYRE SO PRECIOUS 😭😭😭😭 I feel like I've been subconsciously starved for her and Mr. Benedict's interactions

19:36 died at that line in the one trailer

20:00 so Miss Perumal pulled a Sherlock Holmes. Love that for her

20:20 Cheri Tupintown??? Of all the aliases they could pick, Cheri Tupintown???

20:33 "Power in Truth Inc" that HAS to be something Rhonda came up with

21:01 you can literally watch Mr. Benedict realize that this is a woman not to be fucked with and he is CORRECT

21:23 "he's fine. Perfectly fine." At this, Mr. Benedict's pants caught aflame.

21:52 something about Constance sitting in on practice!!! It scratches an itch!!!!

22:19 "incorporate the helix. Live in the helix." Lord Helix is pleased with this offering.

22:26 so what I'm hearing is Kate is going to blow up on Constance for messing with the bucket

23:13 unrelated but Jillson'a shoes are cute

23:29 why does this room give off Johnny Depp's willy wonka vibes

24:13 that looks like a chair from a doctor's office waiting room 😭

25:29 they do be egg heads tho

26:02 baby girl, I have no idea why you're crying at weird art but let me dry your tears 🥺🥺

26:50 SHE FOUND ITTTT

27:27 okay Indiana Jones, go off

27:46 why did that kinda sound like Miss Perumal

28:43 the return of everyone's favorite, "enjoyable"

29:05 not that I'm not loving the ice breaker questions and the one-sided conversation, but I'm not loving it

29:22 oh so we're getting right into it aren't we

29:54 his eyes being open again makes this infinitely creepier

30:36 "where's your proof?" Miss Perumal doesnt fuck around!!!

31:29 you're telling me Constance has been there all day?? And Kate went to find her???? 🥺

31:58 oh so we're getting right to it then?? Kate addressing her independence and trust issues arc????

33:29 NEWS!!!!

33:49 CONSTANCE RIDING PIGGYBACK!!!!!!

34:04 okay, so they opened the murder hole, what are they gonna do now

34:59 Italian? 🤨 m'sir that is so fancy

34:59 fun story I learned Italian diction in college, so I know a little bit

35:16 "take your time" the whisperer says, immediately repeating the prompt to get the answer sooner

35:31 theeeeere it is

35:46 SOMETHING ABOUT THE WHISPERER SAYING "YOU ARE HOME" 😭😭😭 the show really played up the cult shit!!

36:02 Kate being protective of Constance 🥺

36:20 ohhh shit is it time for Connie girl to have double Reynie? Double Sticky?

36:36 STICKY

36:52 "what kind of nonsense?" HAVE THEY NOT ASKED THAT BEFORE THIS?????

37:14 "and your tiny brain can somehow pick it up!!" KATE STOP 😂😂😂

37:16 "I knew you had to be special in some way." WE DONT HAVE TIME TO UNPACK ALL OF THAT

37:51 she's right, this is disregard for their safety. The show made Mr. Benedict and his team a lot more back-alley and dishonest, and Miss Perumal has every reason to be pissed

38:30 oh good they finally remembered he has narcolepsy

39:38 and the best mom award goes to:

40:38 I was gonna say that this hallway is how I imagined the KEEP in riddle of ages but then I remembered that (spoilers) the Institute is the KEEP

40:46 oh, hello propoganda

41:10 that's the other person Rhonda couldn't contact, along with Mr. Bloom. This has to be the brainsweeping process

41:22 yeppppp

41:44 this dark doctor's office theme gives me horror movie vibes

42:22 ohhhh, so that's how they replaced that scene where the four of them jump in a crate to hide and Sticky drops his glasses in the open

42:47 and so we've come to the part of the story where Sticky and Reynie become infinitely more conflicted

42:47 and since we've reached that point..... can we have the white knight scene? Pretty please? Please Disney I'm begging you-

43:12 so Reynie just figured that out without Constance? :/

44:03 love the manipulation

44:31 I'm sorry, the farm?

44:35 farm and forest????

45:16 "the Emergency has served its purpose" 😳 well okay then murder man

45:39 "one thought, one purpose" the hive mind rises once more

45:48 LOVE THE MANIPULATION

46:07 "what have you done to earn anyone's trust?" VALID

46:26 "please do!" WHY AM I EMOTIONAL

47:06 "we still have the falcon" that you do 😂

47:19 AYYY HERE WE GO!!! Time for Milligan to stay on the island??

47:49 ohhhh Constance, casual telepath strikes again

48:16 "stop it, Kate!" OOOOHHHHH

48:53 that line ("it would be nice to be unburdened") would be funny as shit if not for the fact that Constance is a telepath unbeknownst to herself and can both subconsciously perceive people's thoughts and hear the subliminal messages

49:20 HI MRS. PERUMAL!!!

49:25 wow, she's really going through with it 😳 not that I doubted her, but still, that's dedication

49:39 OH SHIT

50:17 oh, so he's an asshole to SQ too. Got it. Torches and pitchforks? Ready to kick his ass?

50:40 "for the moment, anyway" FUCKIN WHAT

This episode was really good!!! They covered a LOT. I hope Miss Perumal comes back to the group and talks about her findings, I hope Milligan goes to get the kids and they tell him no, and I hope they get that classic 4-person Society brainstorming and binding time that hits that sweet spot

[turtle-steverogers]

I Watched TWS for the Millionth Time So Let’s Over-Analyze This Shit

-TFA theme at the beginning 🥰 (that theme is so fuckin good)

-Sam’s lil jogging route around the Tidal Basin/Mall

-Steve being sassy , just as a general

-Steve’s sadness errands

-Sam relating to Steve on the soldier front and making him feel seen

-Just. Sam Wilson

-The way that Steve’s to-do list in the movie varies from country to country (For instance, the UK list has Sherlock instead of I Love Lucy and The Beatles)

-Also I wanna know Steve’s thai order

-The fact that this whole exchange is happening at 6:39 am

-Natasha drives with all the recklessness of a 16 year old that just got their license

-Stealth Suit Stealth Suit

-Steve deflecting Nat’s date suggestions

-Steve’s aversion for parachutes...reckless endangerment ✨

-Steve speaking/understanding at least a little french

-Tony having designed the Helicarriers to have arc reactor power instead of turbines because “he got a close up look at the turbines” in The Avengers 2012 when he got caught in them

-“This isnt freedom, this is fear” aka the embodiment of Steve’s character

-Steve’s exhibit being in the Air and Space museum even tho he flew a plane once and crashed it

-Bucky’s display having two different birth years (1916 and 1917. the correct one is 1917)

-In the little video of Steve and Bucky, Sebastian Stan was saying “We *are* friends” after the director told them to “act like friends” for that shot

-Steve acknowledging Peggy’s family and therefore acknowledging that their relationship with each other, while still close and special, is not romantic anymore and Peggy telling Steve to move on and start over wtf endgame

-The parallel of Peggy losing her memory as Bucky regains his

-Sam Wilson willing to show vulnerability and not being ashamed of his PTSD and treating Steve like any other attendee and hoping Steve will open up too if he sees that it’s okay to

-Steve’s face after “it was like I was up there just to watch” cuz he gets it and both sam and him had to watch their other half fall

-“What makes you happy?” “I don’t know”

-The Winter Soldier theme is just Bucky’s scream pitched different and made to sound mechanical because Henry Jackman wanted it to sound like a man trapped in a machine

-Why is Steve a lucky bastard that has his own laundry machine

-Steve leaving his apartment building after Sharon points out the music and then SCALING THE SIDE OF HIS OWN BUILDING AND CLIMBING IN THROUGH HIS WINDOW LIKE CAN YOU IMAGINE SEEING CAPTAIN AMERICA JUST CLIMBING INTO HIS APARTMENT THROUGH HIS WINDOW ONE NIGHT

-STEVE’s APARTMENT I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS (i might make a separate post on that)

-The fact that “A Long, Long Time” is playing when he sees Bucky for the first time in the future and the song is about lovers reuniting after the war i’m not saying it’s gay but i am

-He calls Fury “Nick” which really indicates theyre not close in the slightest

-Steve is excellent in adapting under pressure (him immediately catching on and using Fury’s code story: “who else knows about your wife?”)

-Steve is Awful at lying but hes also Excellent at lying

-How tf did Steve get the flash drive in the vending machine without the vending machine dude noticing i-

-“Captain Rogers” “Neighbor >:(“ petty little shit

-Steve’s observation skills are A+++++ as we can see in the elevator scene

-More reckless endangerment like imagine just going through your work day and captain america falls through the ceiling

-Steve stole someones gym clothes after escaping SHIELD. let that sink in

-Natasha has about a billion masks on at all times (“I only act like i know everything, rogers” “the person that programmed this was slightly smarter than me. slightly” “the truth isn’t all things to all people all of the time”) also she’s quite insecure, especially when it comes to being perceived as a good, trustable person

-Meanwhile, Steve’s consistently himself even if it costs him

-Bucky trained Natasha in the Red Room (at least in the comics) so theres a good chance she made the connection between him and Steve and withheld that information

-The honeymoon in New Jersey😭😭

-Steve and Nat both have very different, but entirely valid approaches to situations: Steve’s is that of a tactiction, Nat’s is that of a spy’s. We see this in the scene at Pentagon City Mall

-Steve’s looking for someone with shared life experience and bucky has that

-Bucky killed JFK

-When Zola tells him that his death and life both amount to that of a zero sum, he punches the screen with his bare fist, not his shield, indicating just how much that upset him

-Pierce offers Bucky milk cuz he knows “the asset” can’t refuse or accept offers. He’s taunting him

-Sam drinks orange juice straight from the bottle and also doesnt refrigerate his mustard. There’s also a baseball trophy in his apartment so,,,,, baseball player sam anyone?

-Sam is also a gem who immediately helps out Steve and Nat with no judgement in his tone so they don’t feel ashamed

-Nat straightened her hair somewhere in Sam’s house

-“Cuz thats really not your style, Rogers” “you’re right, it’s not” *rubs sitwell’s arm* “it’s hers”

-Steve and Nat banter Steve and Nat banter

-Sam is just *clenches fist* so cool

-Nat immediately knows where Bucky’s gonna shoot when he lands on the Sam’s car and later she knows how to affectively fight him best because he trained her so she knows his fighting style

-Steve alone saying “Bucky?” was enough to break Bucky’s conditioning the slightest bit

-Sam met Steve like 36 hours ago and he’s already being arrested and made into a government fugitive with him and it won’t be the last time

-Steve is the only one entirely restrained

-“Even when I had nothing I had Bucky”

-Everyone meets Sam and is just like “aight let’s trust him with the highest clearance security information”

-Steve looks super nauseous all through the scene where Rumlow is handcuffing him and later when he says, “he looked right at me, like he didn’t even know me” he sounds sick and choked up

-Steve carries a lot of weight on his shoulders

-Steve’s “Bucky?” after the highway battle and Steve’s “Bucky?” in Bucky’s memory in the Vault Scene being different (in Bucky’s memory, he looks more heartbroken)

-Sebastian’s acting. Just all of it. And the way Bucky just opens his mouth for the mouth guard before he gets wiped....heartbreaking

-Steve realizes an organization that was meant to protect the people has become its own antithesis so hes like “aight. get rid of it” damn that’s the right mindset right there

-In the memory scene after Sarah’s funeral, Steve is so out of it and distressed, that he can’t find his key but Bucky immediately knows exactly where it is and what he’s lookin for

-Bucky was vain as shit and also had money: tailored suit, hair w shit ton of brylcreem in it

-The big breakfast Steve had was at Sam’s house

-The whole scene on the helicarrier between Steve and Bucky is incredible here are some highlights: Steve never backing down from a fight until it’s Bucky he’s fighting, Steve dropping the shield for him, Steve being ready to die if living means he’s living in a world where Bucky’s alive and doesnt remember him

-Their acting in that scene is so genuine and heartbreaking i can’t- i can’t-

-Steve’s got a comm i’m so chances are Nat, Sam and Maria can hear a portion of what’s going down on the helicarriers

-“I’m with ya to the end of the line” is basically “til death do us part” so the equivalent of wedding vows between Bucky and Steve is what ultimately broke Bucky’s conditioning

-When bucky fell, steve didn’t jump after him but when Steve fell, bucky went after him even tho he’s brainwashed. don’t think about steve’s guilt surrounding that. youll only get sad

-Bucky waited until Steve took a breath to leave him

-Sam waited by Steve’s side in the hospital

-In the end credit scene, Bucky and Steve originally were supposed to make eye contact, but the writers didn’t want it established that Bucky remembered Steve until CW

----

Every time I watch it from here on out, I’m gonna add a lil more as I notice hehehe

[aardvaark]

i know everyone gets mad at judy for always checking things like whats happening in the police precinct with the crimes or talking to detectives about those cases and all. i can totally see why jen and all are having a problem with that (steve is technically another example but he can - and lowkey did - die in a hole). it does look dodgy and weird and the situation is stressful for her (”her” being jen - from now on im just gonna refer to jen bc ew steve, so yeah sorry).

i mean i dont like that jen was still being rude or speaking to her like a child except worse and more angrily. she was condescending. but i do understand, at least, the fear resulting in anger at judy.

but ive been thinking about it, and i think the reason judy has a hard time sticking out of these issues is probably because she has previously had to solve every single issue shes experienced alone, when she was young. and she had to be constantly aware - has someone noticed my mother isnt going to school events? has someone noticed that im cooking and cleaning for myself? has someone noticed im tired and stressed? because if a teacher finds out, theyre going to do something, and i dont want to upset my mother because im sure somewhere deep down she really does care and love me sometimes. i dont want to upset anyone at all. 

you’d fear massive changes in your life - everything needs to stay the same, even if its not stable, theres a kind of makeshift stability in constant instability. in always having to manage a crisis. theres steps, theres a mental checklist, theres things to do. she probably thought change would still be worse than this; a total upheaval in the short-term. no guarantee of stability in the future. as things were, she had the guarantee of instability, but it was still a guarantee. 

she’d have to just reason that she could cope with anything. its what i always hear about kids in neglectful or abusive situations, its a pattern i think a lot of us have experienced: “you’re so mature for your age!” / “you’re special (or smart)” / “you’re so grown up!” / “you’re so responsible!” / “you’re sorry kind and sympathetic to your peers!”. this isnt meant to hurt, it doesnt necessarily hurt, its often from other adults who have no idea whats happening. but the behavior theyre seeing is more along the lines of: quiet, constantly alert, anxious, sad, upset, fearful. 

[imo, theres a harmful misconception that quiet/stressed/rarely happy = growing up, becoming more mature. i do think its kind of awful that you’re not meant to have that child-like fascination and excitement with the world when you get older, but its true that just does often go away a little with time, completely naturally. but it can also be harmful to make that A Thing, because childhood depression and anxiety or experiencing potentially traumatic or otherwise stressful and upsetting situations can also lead to showing similar signs - just faster, earlier. and these can be misread as just being very mature for your age. but thats a separate issue i have with the world, lol.]

anyway, so shes found the only option is to hide the problems and present as totally fine. make excuses. lie. keep secrets. these behaviours have stuck with her, too. and so would the feeling that there is constant danger. she must know what the exact extent of the danger is at all times because she must monitor everything. she needs to be on the lookout for threats, because there are always threats. she has to check, be responsible, no one is going to help her, theres an order to the disorder, theres a way to manage the chaos and only she knows how because this is just another crisis. her average state, a day-in-the-life of judy hale.

shes always had to do that, in the context of her growing up. but although its the same feeling of stress, its a different context now, and that behaviour is a lot more suspicious in this situation. especially now, because shes an adult. and now shes not alone in the stressful environment, other people (eg jen w/the murder) want and need a say in how problems are being sorted out. and jen is kinda right, you know, you cant go around checking in with the police, it looks pretty odd. judys form of crisis management isnt applicable here, but judy doesnt really think about that, shes thinking about how best to keep herself safe. and thats how she thinks she is going to be safe, because thats what has worked. in fact, she was doing it because she wants jen to be safe, too. 

shes doing the best she can with what she has, but her childhood was terrible and she never had the opportunity to form normal, more effective, adult-life socially applicable crisis management skills. all she did get was what she had to do as a child, to protect herself in a horribly twisted way, because she was a child who did not get to grow up in the way everyone else did. she missed out on a lot of things that you gain when youre not under extreme pressure just to survive and hide major problems while also having to live with those major problems. she didnt get to learn how to find more subtle ways of getting information, or when it was better to just not interact at all. 

what she learnt let her live back then, it prevented her world from unravelling. how can she be expected to let go of those makeshift survival skills? how can she be expected to go against the instincts that have clearly saved her before? how can she be expected to confront her slowly growing understanding that her life should never have been like that, that she was robbed of her childhood, that she has had a horrible thing happen to her, that countless horrible things have happened to her, how can she be expected to accept that she deserved better than she has ever gotten? how can she be expected to allow herself all these feelings and fears she has been pushing down her entire life?

admitting/realising that she doesnt know what to do, that she isnt safe and cant control the situation by herself, means admitting far too much: it means admitting that she was never meant to be capable of coping by herself, that she actually couldnt cope with literally everything life threw her way no matter what - shes not okay, she didnt have some supernatural ability to somehow deal with everything, and she wasnt supposed to. that her mother knowingly put her in an unsafe situation, and she was not meant to just learn how to cope.

i dont think jen does or really truly can currently realise that, but i hope she starts to see that if she learns more about judy’s mom and all... she definitely didnt get that judy was stressed and actually doing what she thought was great, and also that what she has been doing isnt out of naivety or something, but kind of the opposite - more like she knows too much, has been too exposed, and now shes just applying those things here but it doesnt work here.

[phobiadeficient]

what if, Sniper is a little on the bottom spectrum and at first he has a hard time knowing what to do to Scout. He's just overwhelmed with feelies which ends up in Scout kinda taking a lead most of the time. Scout gets a bit frustrated bc he thinks Sniper doesnt really enjoy what theyre doing, so Scout puts Snipes on the spot and asks him clearly what's bothering him. Snipes ends up telling him the things he'd fantasized about doing but has held back. Then they both get super confident :>

dude you can’t just roll in here with these galaxy brain takes, the world aint prepared for them yet!! like damn go off

-

Scout pulled away from his lips with a wet smack, and when he spoke, his voice was suddenly very much not suited to the mood in the room, tone bright and focused rather than quiet and playful. “Okay, so here’s the thing.”

Sniper frowned at it, prickling immediately. It felt like a dynamic had shifted all at once. And with him lying there with his hands tied to the headboard, bare down to his waist and pinned under Scout’s weight on his thighs, he wasn’t sure he wanted too significant a dynamic shift. “Yeah?” he asked slowly, trying to get a read on Scout.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Scout assured quickly, hands lying on his chest, applying a light and admittedly soothing pressure. “I just wanted to, uh, talk about somethin’ real quick. And you kinda have this thing of tryin’ to avoid conversations like this because it makes you all nervous and stuff and I just sorta figured it would be a lot easier to talk to you when I kinda had you, uh…”

A pause.

“Okay, so the only word I can think of right now is captive but that’s not the right word for it,” Scout said quickly. “Like, what’s the word for when you’ve got someone’s full and total attention? Like they’re totally just listening?”

“Focused?” Sniper tried.

“I guess? More like, uh… centered, maybe. I dunno. But you get what I mean, right?”

Sniper nodded hesitantly.

“Anyways. Uh. What was I sayin’, uh, focused… a conversation, right, okay. So here’s the thing,” Scout started in, shifting a little. “So for the past like, two month, basically since we kinda took the leap, y’know? Into, uh, more than just making out and whatever?”

Sniper nodded again.

“Well, that first time we just kinda jerked each other off since we were here in my place and I didn’t have any stuff to do anything else, then the time after that I had lube and so I rode you. And then I did that again the time after that, and the time after that. And I asked if you wanted to spice things up a little, and then I tied you down like this, and that was great, and then I rode you again. And, I dunno, it’s just…”

“…You’re getting bored?” Sniper tried, carefully.

“No, I’m not bored, I’m just…” An exhale. “I just kinda feel a little bit like you’re… I dunno. I’m worried you’re bored. Or, not bored, more like… not into it. It feels kinda like you’re just goin’ along with what I wanna do, just going through the motions sorta.”

Sniper felt a pang of guilt.

“Like, when we were sitting around and hanging out all the time, I could tell you were into it. When we were making out between matches and whatever, I could tell you were into it. And now we’ve tried doing this, and it feels like you just… not that you don’t like it, more that you don’t… I dunno. It feels like you’re just kinda along for the ride.”

“Not enthusiastic?” Sniper tried.

“Yeah. Exactly.” Scout was playing with his chest hair idly. “I just… is there somethin’ you want me to do that I’m not doin’? It’s… it’s okay if you aren’t… into this. I just want you to tell me, and… to talk to me. What’s up? What’s making you act all weird?”

Sniper considered the question. “I do like you,” he started out with, and that took away some of the storm clouds brewing behind Scout’s eyes. “I do. And I do… want you. I suppose I’m just…” He turned his words over a few times. “I’m not used to this sort of relationship. And I know some of the things I used to put up with, before this one, weren’t all that good for me, and I’m still… sorting out what I liked and what I made myself try and like. And… well, sex was always a centerpoint of those relationships. So I’m figuring out that I’m not as rock-solid as I thought, and I’m not sure how to ask for things that I do want.”

“So… what, should I ask you more? What you want?”

Sniper shrugged what amount he could.

“Well what do you want then?” Scout asked, chuckling, lightly dragging fingernails against Sniper’s sternum, a surprisingly pleasant sensation.

Sniper swallowed hard. He kind of wished he could look away inconspicuously, but Scout took up pretty much his whole field of view. He blinked once or twice instead. “Er,” he tried, hesitated. Sighed a little at himself. “Promise you won’t laugh?”

“Yeah,” Scout agreed without having to think about it too hard.

An inhale, an exhale. “Could you get down here at least?” he asked, and Scout smiled, leaning in and setting to work kissing over the expanse of Sniper’s neck, made easier when Sniper tilted his head obligingly.

“What’s up?” Scout asked, mouth free for only a moment before he was right back to work.

Sniper swallowed again. Steadied himself. “Want you to fuck me,” he admitted. “Hard.”

A moment of stillness was all the surprise Scout allowed himself to show. “What else?” he asked, voice teasing.

A breath. “I want you to stuff me full of a toy and fuck my mouth,” he admitted.

“What else?” Scout asked, and there was heat in his voice, in the way he carded fingers through Sniper’s hair and tugged. It made Sniper’s pulse thump.

“I want you to flip me over and eat me out and make me beg,” Sniper managed, voice tight with the combination of thrill and arousal.

A shaky breath from Scout, whose enthusiasm had only jumped with every phrase and who finally pulled back enough to kiss him hard on the mouth. “So the gist of it is that you wanna get fucked more?” he asked, a little out of breath as he pulled back again. Sniper nodded. “Hell yes.”

In the span of a moment, Scout had parted Sniper’s thighs and moved to sit between them, shucking him of his boxers with efficiency and only fumbling a little bit when he reached to grab the lube from where he’d put it a bit earlier.

“You wanna stay tied up for this?” Scout asked, eyeing the binding, and Sniper considered it for a moment before he nodded. “Okay. I’ll take it slow and all, we’ve got all night and I kinda—“

“You,” Sniper cut in, face flushing, and Scout stopped talking, looking back up at him from where he was warming the lube on his fingers. “You, er, won’t need to go terribly slow.”

Scout frowned. “What?”

“I…” He tilted his head back to look at the ceiling. “Only been a few days is all. Tend to… when I’m sort of, er… taking care of things on my own, it’s… I’m not far out of practice, is what I mean.”

“Hot,” Scout quipped, and Sniper rolled his eyes, fighting down a grin. “Yeah, alright.”

While Sniper was still staring up at the ceiling, the first finger circled, pressed, and finally pushed, and he released a breath somewhere between surprise and relief.

Scout moved slowly at first, but soon enough started working him open with speed and confidence earned through experience. And once he was probably opened up enough to start in, he didn’t let up, instead moving to prod at Sniper’s prostate, pressing and rubbing in almost punishing movements, and all too soon Sniper was gasping, arching, unraveling enough to start making noises, cries of pleasure as the pressure didn’t let up. He bucked his hips almost desperately, and wailed outright when Scout promptly moved to pin one of his thighs beneath his knee, his free hand pushing the other into place there at the edge of his flexibility until he felt pinned open like a butterfly under glass. His thrashing and wriggling was then reserved for his waist up, eyes falling closed under the assault of pleasure on his senses, his dick woefully under-stimulated even as pleasure coursed through him strongly enough to make him lose track of words, of volume, of everything. His fists clenched up above his head, his eyes clenched shut, his toes curled, his breath caught.

A kiss just above his navel grounded him again, and he managed to blink his eyes open, looking down. Scout was smirking up at him, extremely self-satisfied as he allowed a brief reprieve in the assault on Sniper’s senses just to take in how wrecked Sniper already was. “God. If you weren’t beggin’ me to fuck you a little bit ago, I’d kinda be tempted to just get you off like this. You look real good, like nothin’ I’ve ever seen, even in those magazines.”

“I wasn’t begging,” Sniper protested, belated and weak.

“Heh.” Scout’s grin was sharp and sent a thrill through him, a quiver through his thighs and a spin through his head. “You will.”

“Like you won’t snap first,” Sniper managed, trying to work up his own courage, the task made easier by the way Scout was eyeing him, clearly extremely pleased with what all he saw, a vague kind of wonder. “Like you’re not desperate too. Bugger off with the superiority, mate, you know as well as I do that you want me.”

“Damn fucking right I want you, have you seen you?” Scout scoffed, and flickered his fingers, and Sniper’s head rolled back, a moan rising clear from his throat. “Fuckin’ look at you. Christ, I’d keep you like this all night if you’d let me. And if my dick didn’t just straight up pop first.”

“Don’t make me beg, Scout,” Sniper finally warned.

“Fine,” Scout laughed, and pressed hard one more time before he slid his fingers free, wiping them off on Sniper’s boxers and freeing himself from his own clothing. He then promptly grabbed Sniper by the calf and tossed his leg up over his shoulder, turning him nearly sideways. A moment of fumbling, and then the first push, and a firmer one when that didn’t get him much of anywhere.

Sniper managed to hold back the majority of his noises while Scout waited for him to adjust, shifting his arms in his bonds just slightly. And Scout was sweet enough to wait until he was well past ready, until he was earnestly rolling his hips and trying to get that sweet friction.

Scout stroked a hand over his thigh soothingly, moving in short, firm strokes as he tried to find the right angle. Long moments, long attempts, and then he seemed to realize he needed to shift them, moving to pull Sniper’s other leg up as well, pinning it back and making his lower half jerk off the bed as finally he shifted and rolled his hips just right.

“Buggering—“ Sniper started to swear, and then Scout did it again, and his voice jumped up an octave. “Oh, oh Christ, ffff—fuck me, Scout,” he practically pleaded, head rolling back listlessly.

A breath from Scout, and then he did, starting into a rhythm, steady and easy for Sniper to cope with, but at the same time, not nearly enough.

“Harder,” he groaned, trying to roll down into it, barking out a sharp sound of pleasure when he listened, speed and strength increasing. Scout’s thighs collided with him on every ingress, and they were hard and firm in a way that was exactly punishing enough to make him melt. The onslaught was so perfect, so much better than he could recreate in his head, and he found breath difficult, distantly aware of the sweat rapidly starting to bead on his face.

With plenty of partners, Sniper could expect the pace to shift, falling into something more relaxing for a few moments to gather up some more energy. But Scout didn’t pause, didn’t falter, the strength of his legs and core put to an unexpectedly pleasureable use as he damn near fucked Sniper’s brains out, hard and unrelenting like a machine. It left his head spinning, the edge slinking into view almost embarrassingly quickly, and he was secretly a bit glad for the way his wrists were bound just then because otherwise he was sure he’d be spilling over his own hand in seconds.

Scout held him there, teetering, close but unable to close that last bit of distance before the finish line, until his own breath was ragged, until his pace shifted into something heavier. “Ready?” Scout asked him, practically a croak, and Sniper could only stammer a few words in the affirmative before he was back to wordless exhalations as Scout spat into his hand and started jerking Sniper off, firm and straightforward, and his moan of defeat was largely hidden under the curses Scout managed through gritted teeth, both of them spent at damn near the same moment.

Sniper’s descent back down to earth was slow, and he murmured a sort of complaint when Scout pulled out and got free of his legs. But then his arms were untied, and he was being pulled close into an embrace.

“Wanna get clean now, or in the morning?” Scout mumbled into his hair, sounding downright contented.

“Morning,” Sniper said.

“Cool. Roll over.”

Sniper did, a bit confused, and chuckled when he was pulled back against Scout’s chest and cradled. “Mate, don’t need coddling,” he said, amused.

“Bottom gets to be little spoon. It’s the rules. Shuttup and let me cuddle you,” Scout pouted into the back of his neck, words muddled by his lips being pressed against skin.

“Fair,” he agreed, and adjusted his head a little to get more comfortable, clasped an arm around one of Scout’s. “Worried about my, er. Enthusiasm anymore?”

“A little,” Scout said. Sniper frowned and was about to ask some follow up questions, but Scout elaborated. “I mean, fuck, I bet the whole base heard you, even from way out here.”

“I’ll make you go sleep in your own room,” Sniper warmed, tone dead serious. “Don’t test me.”

A little laugh, a squeeze. “Nah, but really. I’m glad you said somethin’. And now I’ve got somethin’ to look forward to next weekend.”

“And what’s that?” Sniper asked quizzically.

“What was it you said, uh—“stuff me full of a toy and bugger my mouth, mate, that’s aces, oh holy dooley”, wasn’t it?”

“Right, I’m showering and you’ve got fifteen seconds to get out,” Sniper said flatly, starting to get out of bed, even as Scout laughed, starting to protest, holding on tight to him and refusing to let go even at the threat of falling out of the bed.

To be fair, it wasn’t the next week. It was the next morning when they woke up and Scout saw the fingerprint bruises all over Sniper’s thighs. But either way, Sniper would begrudgingly admit that he was glad he’d said something too.

[wwounu]

mafia!jeonghan “YOON” #11

↻ masterlist — intro￤s.coups￤yoon￤hong￤wen￤hoshi￤jeon￤woozi￤dk￤kim￤xu￤boo￤chwe￤lee

traitor

member of Venor Unit

his role is more of a spy, however jeonghan likes the term ‘traitor’ more than anything

there are many rumours about him

only a handful have been picked to be debunked as true or false

for years he’s still been rumoured whether or not hes a member of seventeen

surprise surprise, he is

and the story of how he was recruited was one he’d never forget

because who would forget his missing nineteen-year old childhood friend climbing up to the top of his penthouse, at 1:27 in the morning, and suddenly break and walk into your bedroom like it’s no big deal?

in other words, he wasn’t pleased to see his dearest seungcheol

his friend was talking about all sorts of nonsense the moment he startled awake: japan, gangs, tattoos,, bad haircuts,,, poisoned ice cream??

this wasnt the seungcheol he remembered

so with mixed feelings, jeonghan told seungcheol to crash on his bed while jeonghan would take the couch and asking seungcheol to take a shower because he looked like he came back from a fight with a shark

when morning came seungcheol was trying to explain jeonghan about the wonderful complicated world of mafia business

but jeonghan had none of it — it sounded unreal

on top of that he was more fussed over seungcheol leaving for two years and not telling his own friend about it

with all this anger building inside him, mainly due to the stress of trying to get his head around this whole... thing, he told seungcheol to leave and go back home

seungcheol gave a look at him, a hard look, before he sighed and stormed out of the place

jeonghan didnt miss the small ‘no one ever stops to listen to someone like me’ under seungcheol’s breath

and never in their friendship they brought light upon their many differences, so it kinda tugged on jeonghan’s heartstrings

it saddened him knowing he didn’t give the welcome his friend wanted but at the time he thought he was in the right

then for the next two weeks, seungcheol was desperately trying to get jeonghan to join his ‘mafia’

(mafia in asteriks, because jeonghan wasn’t having any of his bullshit)

through messages, messy letters, he even received a collection post-it notes stuck around his penthouse without traces of who did this even though he fully knew well who it was 

and that night jeonghan was paranoid that seungcheol would randomly break in again

then the desperation for help stopped for the next month

although jeonghan did enjoy the attention from his best friend and wanted to continue this ‘fun’ game, he began to grow concerned

his best friend disappeared without a trace. again.

the cope was harder to deal with this time, because the insignificant thought about seungcheol truly being a mafia boss was becoming the host of his nightmares

you best believed the utter shock on his face when he saw seungcheol sat beside his door around midnight

hood up, dirty head to toe and one nasty cut on his lip and cheek

jeonghan was supposed to go to a party, but that priority was ignored straight away

he takes seungcheol in, aiding the cuts before doing anything else

as jeonghan would expect from the man, seven year old seungcheol would be screaming ugly noises with snot running down along his tears

but this other seungcheol didn’t flinch at the pressure of the alcohol touching his skin, and looked in every direction to avoid jeonghan

that — thankfully — hadn’t changed

seungcheol always payed attention to his surroundings when he doesnt want to be in a situation. it happened a lot with his father

so jeonghan asks why he looks like shit

and all the anxieties rush to his brain as the thought of his lash of anger to seungcheol caused the latter to end up like this

questions like when did he last eat?, where did he stay?, did i do this?

but seungcheol started explaining himself

something about these high schoolers ganging up on a sixteen year old in their school because of his looks, seungcheol stood up for this said ‘sixteen year old’ and found the four-against-one fight fair play until they brought out knives and seungcheol was like youve got to be kidding me

and suddenly, one thing led to another and the sixteen year old lit a tree on fire???? and he lifted a stray branch, took out a lighter, then lit it before storming to the high schoolers with a maniac-like look on his face

and the kid was then gone as he chased the high schoolers away

seungcheol had never been more confused

but he had to get out as there was still the,,, burning tree there,,,,,,

and when he finished his story, he paused, falling silent again and sort of bitterly saying ‘sorry, half of the things i say sound unbelievable now’

and jeonghan is a bit offended but he wasn’t going to push seungcheol away yet again

so jeonghan tells him that he believes him and at first seungcheol kept arguing that he’s bluffing for his sake

surprised, jeonghan reassures him again and again to get it through seungcheol’s head that he’s going to join him because he’s going through a hard time, anyone can see that

remaining silent, seungcheol nods before he manages out a thanks

they apologise and forgive each other, and later that night seungcheol tells everything — and i mean everything — about his family and the mafia

it was a heavy night for seungcheol

which brings us to today

since jeonghan was born into a rich family, it made seungcheol’s job way more easier than it was as jeonghan had higher class connections with others while his friend kept lowkey

he can have news alerted to him quickly like updates on parties, social events, scandals, some juicy affairs here and there, all that corrupt high-society crap

and he gets the odd word about some mafias in korea, making it his duty to report all of it back to seungcheol

with seungcheol’s command, he does whatever he instructs him to do, which is to spy on any updates of the situation

hence why he’s always out at fancy social-events

its truly a bore though. he’d rather sleep in

you may think he’s just acting naive most of the time — but he’s listening to every word and every moment he can sink in all around him

the highlight of the night is when everyone gets drunk, which is the perfect time to hear their dark secrets and use his sweet-talk

effortlessly finds a way to manipulate his way to invite himself and seventeen, who’d he’d call associates, to any banquet whenever he senses dirty work will commence

his pretty-boy looks usually do the trick ‘seventeen’s pretty boy’, the group calls him

makes the time to take care of the member’s schedules and invitations to these places, even going to the extent to make replica invitations

creates a plan of how the members enter so that they wouldn’t be seen together and raise eyebrows

particularly during these events, other suspicious men try to keep a close eye on jeonghan due to the rumours of his relation to the seventeen mafia

yet they’re wasting their time because he’s never in one place and socialises with many people

often when he strays on his own, he explores the area and wanders from room after room to find anything else valuable

normally reports to wonwoo what he finds through an earpiece

‘i found a diary’

‘youre going to open it arent you’

‘risqué, she keeps a taser and a ton of money in her lingerie set’

‘dont take the money’

‘wasnt going to’

‘jeonghan drop the roll of money right now’

‘... fine’

‘okay’

‘i took the taser instead!’

did i mention that he needs to ‘borrow’ a belonging as his souvenir for the places he visits

and because of junhui, he has semi-mastered the skill to hide all evidence

also pretty much hates it when he’s rushed, needs to take his tiem with everything (excluding when they’re in grave danger then that’s different)

mouth runs a lot so when he really needs information to be spilt, he exposes other lowkey scandals to get the information he needs

this is where he gets his traitor title from

if he’s framed as a traitor, he turns the tables around and either puts the blame on someone else or on the person calling him a traitor

he’s grown up in this corrupt class and knows all the dirty ins and outs of it

when he feels like he’s being interrogated to spill information, he takes control of the conversation and does subtle things like asking for things usually pouting when doing so or complimenting on one thing before discussing something completely off topic

he can never expose seventeen and will never expose them even if he’s dying 

another off-topic fact, he calls people babe a lot

mainly because it makes people feel a certain way, but its jeonghan’s self-acclaimed magic word

that word does things

is also a part of A Team, but due to the fact jeonghan is always busy, they dont work together as often as they used to

looking at soonyoung, wonwoo and jeonghan, you wouldn’t think of them to be that close but they’ve had history

out of all of seventeen, he’s the weakest in terms of weaponry since he’s basically just a informant to seventeen

therefore his choice of weapon are usually used by the closest thing to him

prefers glass as his choice of weapon if he had to choose, so because of this minghao frequently gives him smashed wine bottles for jeonghan’s use

a bit of a brat

but seventeen never mentions it

loves seeing people beg in front of him, especially when theyre desperate

this might be because he likes attention on him

teasing and poking fun at them gives him the greatest joy, it leaves him so satisfied but also wanting more

normally after difficult jobs done by the whole group, when Perficio Unit are clearing up the last of the evidence and killing the last of their suffering enemies, jeonghan skips in to take a wonder around too

Perficio Unit let him because its jeonghan

blood is soaked everywhere, many men are on the floor, some dead, possibly not, and their fancy suits all ruined while the four males finishing the job play jazz music on blast as they take care of the remains

just another job for seventeen

and jeonghan inspects each face, making sure the fear is their eyes while theyre slowly dying from blood loss. if they arent, then jeonghan pulls a gun out of his pocket and points it at them, getting the reaction he wants

(the gun was full of blanks anyway, what’s there to be scared about??)

decides to steal a wristwatch from one of the men and gets told off by the unit because they now have to get rid of jeonghan’s dirty fingerprints for stealing the accessory

loves it even more when Perficio Unit are in the middle of an interrogation (on most occasions they lead the questioning) back in their hideout and pops down to see how their ever-so suffering victim is hanging in there

generally summoned down if 1. wonwoo is busy or 2. they need the victim to speak a bit more

jeonghan doesn’t play once he comes down — but its inevitable that he’ll make sure that he gets the satisfaction that he wants from the person held captive

will stay until theyre sweating and crying in a mix of blood and tears and they are begging in front of his feet while tied up. he wont stop the torture unless the person confesses truthfully to what Perficio Unit ask and feel numb around their whole body that it hurts

uses the taser he stole in addition to let the pain sink in even more, also decorated the taser to have stickers of a halo and wings to look like an angel

when they get the answer they want, it’s a job well done for jeonghan

and when the victim thinks its all over, jeonghan sweetly grins one last time to them, turning foot because, really, he cannot do anything to the poor soul

he shrugs and walks, searching in his back pocket for a gun a filled one this time, twirling it around his fingers before handing it to one of the unit members

without skipping a beat, he smiles, whispering ‘enjoy’ and leaving them to do their job

needs the members as much as the members needs him

a perfect balance

“Somebody said it means imperfection and danger”

[cmeliabones]

                                      i used to be broken.     i used to be shards of iron and ice,                         a whirlwind of broken glass,     until I learned to be more.

DILAN DENIZ? No, that’s actually AMELIA BONES from the MARAUDERS ERA. You know, the child of ENDER BONES and IRMAK BONES NÉÉ KUNDAKÇI ? Only 25 years old, this SLYTHERIN alumni works as a LEGAL ADVISOR AT THE WIZENGAMOT and is sided with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. SHE identifies as A CIS WOMAN and is a PUREBLOOD who is known to be SECRETIVE, CYNICAL and SELF-NEGLECTFUL but also JUST, AMBITIOUS and LEVELHEADED.

LINKS – pinboard, stats. CHARACTER PARALLELS – laurel castillo (htgawm), peggy carter (mcu), spencer hastings (pll), rebecca bunch (crazy ex-girlfriend), raquel murillo (la casa de papel) AESTHETIC – a blood red lipstick mark on a drained cup of coffee, knuckles bruised from collapsing against a wall, smoking through the crack of your window in the middle of the night, striped blouses, chipped black nailpolish, downing vodka without wincing, wiping sweat off your eyebrow while laughing, sinking down in the shower and not getting up for half an hour, eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man, a longing for something without quite knowing what it is, a sense for justice that burns you up (and hopefully takes the whole world with it one day), something weighing down on your shoulder at all times, the inability to sleep if the world is too quiet HEADS UP – there are some triggers in this intro (specifically: burn out, anxiety, alcohol, smoking, self destructiveness, death and grief). all are trigger warned in front of the bulletpoints theyre mentioned in!

backstory ( 1955 - 1973 )

amelia bones grows up happy. with two older brothers & a set of loving parents, there was such room to grow. her parents are openminded and supportive and allow her fire and mind to expand and grow. she grows up valuing family and empathy and acceptance and fairness, and will always fall back on these values.

a bit of background on her parents: 

her father comes from the bones family, which has been a prominent magical family in eurasia for centuries (mostly for their influence in politics & international cooperation, and their progressiveness). after the global wizarding war, her father’s grandfather and his wife migrated to england after he was offered a position at the ministry, which he got offered due to his efforts during the war. word of their (good & wonderful!) reputation then spread in the UK, too, and they soon became a respected pureblood family (not that they cared about blood status, not at all, and i think plenty of purebloods didn’t care much for the bones --- too progressive and idealistic and proactive).

amelia’s father followed in his own father’s footsteps and joined the department of international cooperation, through which he met irmak, a turkish witch who worked for an international ngo advocating for worldwide women’s rights. they started as coworkers, and soon fell for one another and soon marriage followed, and then their three kids

amelia loves her family. they’re her entire world.

she was the last of her siblings to go to hogwarts, which just made her all the more excited, i think. amelia envied her brothers for getting to go before her, though, very much so. either way ---- amelia was a hatstall, stuck between hufflepuff and slytherin, stuck between her deep sense of justice and her cunning ambition. in the end, she was sorted in slytherin, but she would have thrived in either house, really. 

she walked towards that green-and-silver table with such pride in her face and back, proving that she’d fit right in

i think she was sorted in slytherin in the end as her ambition allows her to do more with her sense of justice. it’s the road towards her goals, her goals being reaching justice and righteousness and her ideals.

anxiety / panic attacks / alcohol & smoking / self destructiveness / burn out tw || amelia put immense pressure on herself all through hogwarts, not only wanting the best grades, but also wanting to be a helpful and put together individual. in her fourth year, she burns herself out --- there’s no energy left in her body. she started having more panic attacks, her anxiety growing with the pile of assignments she was unable to finish, and amelia -- for a while -- lost sight of herself, unsure how she was ever able to be so productive, to do so much. 

amelia starts smoking. she starts drinking. she yells at the whomping willow. she finds release in anything that will quiet her brain and she loses control, for a while --- detentions grow, as do her absences in class, and her grades drop. after a few months, she steps to slughorn, telling him that she’s not okay, that she needs help. (i imagine he was a bit startled, not by the news (as there had probably been reports of the change in amelia’s behaviour), but by the way she approached him, so maturely.)

admitting she wasn’t okay was the main step she needed and soon amelia was learning where her weaknesses lied, and how she could cope with stress, and how she should dose her work so she wouldnt end up this way again. and slowly but surely, amelia rebuilt her good grades, and prepared herself for those looming OWLs. end of tws

her last three years at hogwarts are spent studying, hard. amelia also became prefect & eventually head girl ( this is not definitive! just. putting it down in case ), and spent the rest of her time preparing for a career at the ministry --- that was where her ambition lied, after all. especially with the turmoil and unrest growing in the wizarding world, amelia’s sense for justice GREW, and she wanted to do something about it badly: the ministry was a flawed system, that much she knew, but she also knew that there were good people there (her dad, her grandfather, etc.) and that there was always room for change and growth

amelia cares SO MUCH about justice, it’s just something she’s always done. she has a very deep sense of justice herself, is very just in judging and approaching people. she’s also open about this & will call you out on her shit ( i imagine she did a fair amount of this in the slytherin common room ) but in a calm and collected way

ended up graduating with seven NEWTs, all with either E’s or O’s. we stan an overachieving icon. 

post graduation ( 1973 - 1980 )

anxiety tw | amelia started working as an administrative assistant at the wizengamot, interning under a member at the same time, slowly climbing the ranks and preparing for a successful career. it’s stressful, and sometimes anxiety inducing, but amelia sticks to her coping mechanisms that she’s developed over the years (both good and bad) and mostly thrives. end of tw

(parental) death, murder, grief tw | when she’s twenty, her parents are murdered. at that point, amelia had still been living at home, but she’d been at work when it all happened --- returning to a dark mark above the place she grew up in. her parents had been murdered for not meeting the vision of what purebloods were supposed to be, another pair of victims of a cruel war ( and the start of the bones’ downfall :( )

self destructiveness tw | amelia fell back in old patterns for a while, forgetting to take care of herself, raging against a world that wouldn’t listen. she took the time she had gotten off work to grief and drowned herself in distractions and things that only seemed to make things worse, in the long run end of tw

and then she returned to work and was done. done, with feeling like she’d drown in her grief, and so she turned cold. it wasn’t hard -- amelia had always been quite levelheaded, able to look at situations with emotional distance and objectivity, and now she did the same with her life. she joined the order as well, even though she had previously doubted them ( she thought them unorganised, chaotic rebels, and she had to eat her words, partly, after she joined ). amelia grew bitter and secretive and cynical, but she worked harder than she had ever before, wanting to see a better world as soon as possible --- for her brothers and their families, for all the families still whole, for fucking everyone, to be honest.

death of children tw | re: her brothers and their families, she thinks that theyre both stupid for having kids in this time. look at what happens every day! look at what happened to their parents! why would you risk orphaning your children?!

not that she voices those opinions. they’re dark and mean and she swallows them and keeps them locked up. 

of course, she was kind of right. edgar and his kids did die. lmao. when she found out, though, she didn’t think “told you so”, she just hated herself a bit more. end of all tws

right now, amelia is a legal advisor at the wizengamot, assisting with cases, working on arguments and compiling evidence, always bristling at how useless aurors are at paperwork. she hates the ministry, partly, but wants to fix it from within. her dream is to get a seat at the wizengamot, and eventually grow further, too. her ambitions run deep, as does her idealism, and together those will get her far.

she’s also more closed off than she was before. i think that amelia was a lot warmer as a teen, and definitely a lot more spontaneous. now, though, she is focused deeply on the tasks at hand and cynical, scared of loving more people than she already does. there’s more to lose when you have more people you love, and all that stuff --- but still, amelia is kind and approachable, but there’s always a hint of distance and coolness. 

does Not take good care of herself. amelia sleeps too little, drinks too much coffee, does not eat enough fruits & veggies and constantly abandons her needs when there’s other, more important things. and there are always more important things ( especially considering she seeks for them )

death & murder tw | the timestamp kind of sent amelia into a state of despair, for a hot second. learning that her brother and his family were killed in the war chilled her to her bones. learning that she was murdered in the far but near future confused her, and scared her. she took a moment to recenter herself, to take in all this new information, and then got to work. i imagine that amelia just stormed into the ministry/the dmle and started working to fix this, using her future position as an argument to have a proper role in the developments. ( merlin knows that the ministry can use a good set of brains, after all, and she has a more than good set. ) she also stuck with the order, of course.

amelia also took it upon herself to research a LOT about the future fates of people she suspected of death eater activity, to know who to trust and who not to. read a lot of archived newspapers and such over the past month. too many. end of tw

personality & details

career woman. fuck the glass ceiling, she’ll break it with her high heels and kiss the shards with her red lipstick and grin while doing it. amelia is successful and will be even more successful and nothing but death can stop her from reaching her goals

in the end, that’s why she was killed --- bc she was unstoppable. if it wasnt for voldemort, she WOULD HAVE become minister for magic, mark my words

caffeine dependent as fuck

kickboxes to let go off some steam and cropped up Stress. she has been doing it ever since her the summer after her fourth year and has a mean right hook and can break your nose if she wants to, but chooses not to. (would rather fight you with words, anyway.)

a levelheaded, realistic queen. 

workaholic, pls tell her to take a break!!!!

she has a deerhound doggo called jimmy and she loves him SO MUCH. dogs are Everything to amelia. she loves dogs so much. 

“men ain’t shit” -- amelia bones, thrice a day, at least

listen she’s just a Queen, that’s all ive got

[chimcharstar]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

[oceansviolin]

⎣ simay barlas, cis female, she/her ⎤I just saw [ SERAPHINE CURRY ] walking around new york they’re [ TWENTY ONE ] years old and they’re the child of [ ARTHUR CURRY & MERA ]. Their abilities are [ ATLANTEAN PHYSIOLOGY & AQUATIC ANIMAL MIMICRY ] and they are working as a [ VIOLINIST & PAINTER ]. at their best they’re [ CREATIVE & ELEGANT ] but at their worst they can be [ SNOOTY & FICKLE ].

seraphine curry – most commonly called sera, sara, or sela amongst friends. people always reach for sera, but sela always considered it far too close to her mothers name, that she would always introduce herself as SELA – but she still lets people pick whatever name they please for her.  of course ; this is just amongst friends. in royal situations, she would still always go by seraphine. 

sela is currently working as an independent painter, and auditioning for orchestra positions as first violin. 

sela is the youngest in the curry family, and thus, had the least royal pressure put on her. she was expected to you know, at least follow the rules somewhat, but she was somewhat free to pursue any career that she wanted to do

she was still; very protected. although she could do whatever she wanted, the where was heavily questionable.   her family was protective,  and she wasn’t the most skilled defender,  she wasn’t allowed to go to the surface without a team of escorts as a child, and even underwater she was always monitored.

the first major, life defining moment is when she met – or more accurately saved – WC.       someone floating in the mid deep water, maybe pulled out in a riptide or thrown overboard, on a stormy day. she was allowed to be there,      but she knew she wasn’t allowed to take them back to the surface without telling someone.   but they were pretty and she couldn’t help it.

immediately, she pulled them to shore, and stayed there watching them. to make sure they were okay. she jumped back into the ocean after they woke up, leaving nothing but her name and a promise to see them again. and she did, or rather, she looked for them at that beach daily == sometimes seeing them, but never saying anything,  she wasn’t even supposed to be there. so she knew it was hopeless.  

she carried this sadness with her, bottled up and held close to her chest, never letting go.

having no pressure to go in a royal direction, sela was very ‘adrift’ in her possibilities of what she could do. anything that she wanted to. however, whatever she did was met with astounding applause because she was the little BABY SISTER and they wanted to encourage her.

even when sela was dying for some criticism,   she found that everything, including compliments came quite easy for her, and she couldn’t ever find a challenge under the waves. 

it made her feel fed up, and stiffened, because she would never have someone be HONEST about whether she WAS ACTUALLY as good as they said or not. perhaps she was genuinely good, but she always felt that they were just saying that to make her feel better.

she went into art first, using water painting to make it seem as if the waves had fallen onto the page. she was claimed to be the new picasso, the second coming of leonardo da vinci, she was critically acclaimed, she was good, but MAYBE not to the level that art critics said she was.

she quickly stopped when she heard an art gallery above the waves wanted to do an exhibition of her work, and tried to find a NEW passion.

she picked up music, starting with composing, then the piano, finally settling on the VIOLIN. which she was talented at. much like her painting, she received critical acclaim with little work, and was soon in hounded for concerts. 

and she promptly did what she’s discovered she’s ALSO very good at. dropping out. claiming a loss of muse. she couldn’t stand everything being handed to her because of her family.

she knew some friends, family, family friends, all gathering in new york -- so she took up a position as an artist in residence at a business -- just to argue to her parents that she could live by herself -- which she ended up secretly quitting so she could work freely at her own pace and do her own everything. 

in short ;   she’s a lesbian aquatic princess who is very ‘her own pace’ that has been baby’d and looked after most of her life and she’s somewhat disgruntled with it and also very unsure of anything about herself other than     she like pretty theydies. 

also here are a bunch of WC tht i will format some into for the taskbut they’re also just #here for now.

WC. someone floating in the water, maybe pulled out in a riptide or thrown overboard, on a stormy day. sela found them adrift in the deep sea. immediately, she pulled them to shore, and stayed there watching them. to make sure they were okay. she jumped back into the ocean after they woke up, leaving nothing but her name and a promise to see them again. and she did, or rather, she looked for them at that beach daily == sometimes seeing them, but never saying anything.   just a one sided childhood crush that has A LOT OF POSSIBILITY TO BE CHANGED AROUND OR EDITED JUST THE IDEA OF HER SAVING SOME1 AND EVENTUALLY GETTING HER HEART BROKEN ABT IT … AS A KID. open to any gender, someone who is around the same age as sela. CAN ALSO BE COMBNED WITH THE NEXT WC THANK YOU.

WC. like the ying- to her -yang. the adrenaline in the roar of the wind that pushes the sea into the waves, would L O V E an end-game, soul mate-esque ship that is akin to sailor neptune/uranys where all aspects of their life seem to just connect. .. . and theyre just  ..  wow yeah GAY about it. would L O  V E if this spun out of the previous wc – but i’m open to also them being SEPARATED ! this would would be for nb/female/female allignign nb thank u

WC. stans groupies, the people who love classical music ? i’m sure there’s like 1 at paragon.

WC. childhood friends, anyone associated w the sea or with the justice league, you get it ! WC. other royals  … the kids who would run around balls in their fancy little gowns n ruin it for everyone else

WC. muses. would love some ppl that sela just .. paints, or writes music for, completely platonic just arts-y friends !

WC. book club ! maybe more leaning to a style of DARK-ACADEMIA, just ppl who read books, and maybe share their own poetry ? thank u !

WC. the friends / family friends who are a little  . ..   support group for her. 

[90simaginesandfanfics]

Hiii!! Could you do a one shot with stone gossard, where the reader tells him shes pregnant? And theyre kinda worried because it is unplanned but it turns out to be fine and then it’s a cute ending? Thank you lol

Okay, you could do this. It wasn’t a big deal. Not a bigdeal at all. You were just casually going to tell your boyfriend that he’dknocked you up. Fuck.

You had found out a week ago, when your friend Jaime hadmade a comment about how hormonal you were, and the fact that you had beenfeeling sick all the time. That paired with the fact that your period was late,and you and Jaime had rushed out to get pregnancy testing kits as quickly aspossible. Jaime was the one who had held your hand as you looked at it, and shewas the one to confirm that the two lines signalled you had something growinginside of you.

You had been dating Stone for just under a year, and thingswere going great. Him and Pearl Jam were out on the road a lot, but it justmeant that you both cherished the time you did have together. Stone wassupposed to be coming back this afternoon from some tour dates in SouthAmerica, but your anxiety was going through the roof the more the minutes onthe clock ticked down. You weren’t even living together yet, the relationshipwas still new. How the hell was having a baby going to plan out? You were soworried about his reaction, that you had barely eaten anything all day, and haddecided to just tell him as soon as he came home, rather than drag it out byhaving a nice evening first.

Before long, it was seven in the evening, and after pacingup the living room for hours, you finally heard the door to your apartmentopen. There stood Stone, a tired smile on his face as he slammed the door shutand rushed over to you, wrapped him arms around your body and pulling you intoa passionate kiss without even saying a word. His lips completely withdrew allyour worries and you found yourself sinking into his body as his lips glidedagainst yours. When the both of you began to lose your breath, he pulled away.

“God, I’ve missed you so fucking much.” He said, and then pulledyou close again, angling his mouth against yours to continue the kiss. Beforehe could, you slightly pushed at his shoulders, stopping him from his actionsand causing him to look at you, confusion written all over his face.

“What’s wrong?” Stone asked you, and you took a deep breathbefore gesturing for him to sit down on the sofa with you.

“There’s something I need to tell you…” You started, but wascut off by Stone.

“There’s someone else.” He said, his voice grave as hestared at you intently. A laugh bubbled in your throat and you started tochuckle, and Stone’s frown deepened.

“No, you idiot!” You said and the both of you startedlaughing with each other. You suddenly became serious and turned to him onceagain.

“I know we haven’t been dating that long, not really. And everythingis really hectic right now because of the band and what not, but something hascome up and it wasn’t really something that either of us has ever reallythought about.” You rushed out, and the perplexed look on Stone’s facedeepened, as he tried to figure out exactly what you were saying.

“What’s going on?” He asked, his tone suggesting that hewanted you to just spit out whatever was causing the problem. You took a deepbreath and turned to him once again.

“I’m pregnant.” You said, and the silence in the room grew.Stone looked away from you, looking at the ground as if in deep thought. You startedrambling as a way to cover up the awkwardness in the room.

“I know we never planned this, and it’s so unexpected, but there’sabsolutely no pressure on you if you don’t want to be part of this. I don’twant to pull you down or hold you back by something that we never planned for.And I really don’t want you to feel trapped or…” You were cut off as Stoneturned and clamped his hand around your mouth, stopping you from babbling on.Once he realised you were finally going to stop, he let his hand fall and gaveyou a small smile.

“I’m not going to lie, this is completely unexpected and it’san understatement that we didn’t plan for this. But I love you, and want to bewith you regardless of the fact that we haven’t known each other that long. Youmake me so fucking happy. And I know it’s going to be hard raising a kid, butfucking hell, that baby is going to make me so happy too. I love you, and nomatter how inexperienced we are, we’re going to get through and make amazing parents.”He said, conviction lacing his words and making tears spring to your eyes.Stone started laughing at you and you smacked him on the arm.

“It’s these fucking hormones okay! They make me emotional.” Yousaid, and he leaned into you, placing a kiss on your lips as he continued chuckling.

“You’re going to make a great parent, you know that?” Hesaid, and you brushed his long hair to the side, placing a kiss on his temple.

“And you’re going to be the best dad in the world.”

*****

Finally another request! So my laptop is up and running again thanks to a tech guy my mum is friends with, but everything on it has been lost. Luckily, I still have really important stuff for college since I back it up on a memory stick to make it easier to work on, but everything else that was on my hardrive is lost, which is shit. But hopefully I’ll update another chapter in the next couple of days now xxxx

[tumblunni]

MORE UPDATES ON THINGS WHAT HAPPEN

The half week milestone of the hospital house thingie time! I think the term they use for it is "a residential stay"? Cos like its not a hospital its a shared housing block thats just full of doctors. I get to sleep in a real bed and there's a nice community room and board game nights and stuff. But its still really scary how intense the supervision can be! Like they have a window to look into your room once per hour every hour constantly. And they have to go through your undies and catalog them as part of the possessions check. I was not warned about that and it was mega embarassing trying to explain a binder to a bunch of old lady doctors! Oh and i had yo do a urine test today which was possibly the most fuckin embarassing thing in the actual universe. And you're not even allowed to take your own pills! They keep them locked in a big ominous wall of lockers and you have to come into the office and swallow the pill while theyre watching. I guess maybe because some people might be faking their illness and selling their pills on the black market or whatever? But that literally doesnt happen with antidepressants, they have no 'high' or even any effect at all on non-sick people. So it just makes no sense to me and its real embarassing cos like i said i suck at taking pills with plain water and without a straw. The ones i take are real damn chunky things the size of my thumbnail! I think i'l get better at not (literally) choking under pressure over time, tho. Hopefully.

Anyway that's all the bad out of the way! Now the good and the neutral and the just miscellaneous!

Its still nervewracking having to shower in a shared house but they have a cool walk-in shower and ive never tried one of those so it was vaguely interesting. And im allowed to take my showers early at 6am to minimize the chance of anyone else trying to use the door, lol. My biggest fear is having some staff member walk in on me when im naked like back in that homeless hostel. Oh or that time in the homeless hostel where the teenage boys filled the entire bathroom with inflated condoms wall to wall. Like wow so much damn effort to prank the stupid nervous bunni who probably would have been embarassed by literally anything else. Man this place is bringing so many memories of that homeless hostel but at least this time its a place specifically for sick people and they know i'm anxious doing shared cooking and board games and whatever so they dont make fun of me for it. But in a lot of ways that hostel had more freedoms too.. *shrug*

Anyway! A good! I get to have cooking lesson!! I know literally nothing about cooking and now i get to know several thing!! This nice doctor called Josie taught me how to make an omelette and i tasted ham for the first time! That is just how limited my life experiences are, lol. Oh and they want me to say that she's a 'mental health worker' not a doctor, but its all real confusing?? Like they have the staff that look after you and then the only ones we're supposed to call doctors are the ones who actually have the authority to prescribe pills and diagnosies. But like if youre in a hospital you'd call them all doctors, not just the actual surgeon? Or i guess theyre kinda like nursing home staff?? But they cant be support workers cos support workers are specific government assigned inspector type guys like Richard who only meet with you once a week.and i have to remember to not call him a social worker either cos social workers only work with family and custody related stuff. I dunno?? Basically the medical industry has a lot of names that dont really describe what the actual thing is, lol. Anyway the ham omelette was great and now im gonna try and remember so i can try and make it myself next time! HAM ACCOMPLISHED

Also i played bingo with a few other patients and it was fun but funny that i lost 6 times in a row when there were only 3 of us. I got a consolation prize of a pack of neon highlighter pens so hell yeah!!

I'm getting booked in to try some additional classes starting next week on monday and tuesday morning. The computer programming one was sadly unavailable, but i managed tp snag a place in "confidence building group therapy" and "basic how to use power tools". I wasnt really all that interested in that one but i thought it would be a useful skill even if its less fun. And maybe you get to actyally make something to take home at the end? A lil shelf to help organize this awkward lil room better, maybe?

And an unexpected bonus of being semi-hospitalized is that i get a free bus pass! And cos im here cos of my social anxiety theyre gonna help me get outside more and actually use this thing to the fullest! The first thing we did was the trip to actually get the bus pass itself. It was like "bus, take my money to take me to the place where i can never give you money again!" XD Ive been really stupidly nervous about going on tne bus in my old neighbourhood cos MAN it was really isolated there and everything just amplified my mental illness. An almost two hour bus ride to get to ANY SHOPS AT ALL, with only one bus for the whole town so it was always crowded and full of screaming kids and gossipy everyones. Social anxiety: maximum level proud mode!

So yeah i feel BIG ACCONPLISHED! I was able to take this bus for the first time with a doctor coming with me. Power Grandpa The Strong. His actual name is Paul and he has awesome sleeve tattoos of like anchors and dragons and sports teams and stuff! And he likes thrift stores and wearing silly hats too! Its like he's powerful enough to wrestle away everyone's anxieties! I was able to be a bit reckless too and i went out wearing my fave shirt thats like trans pride coloured plaid. A POWERFUL SHIRT IS REQUIRED FOR THIS QUEST! so we went to the office to register this bus pass and i panicked a bit cos apparantky we brought the wrong form and i wrote my name in the wrong box and then my passport photo looked terrible and aaa! But it all worked out and i was kinda freaking out for nothing. And he took me for a lil tour of the place and showed me this cool shop that does spray paint tye dye t shirts with spiderman on them?? Why does this incredibly specific shop exist and how have i never heard of it before?? There was also a new harry potter shop next to the disney shop, and the old used book store i used to visit as a kid was still there, complete with rickety spiral staircase and ominous basement trap door. I'm still not brave enough to go down there, but apparantly its just the history books section so meh. Then we actually went to a fancy coffee shop and i had this brain freeze mango ice frappucchino thing! Im trying all the new foods!!

And i was TOO HIGH ON DECADENCE and made a RECKLESS CHOICE! i blame power gramp's amazing tattoos, they were totally whispering to me that i shoukd screw the rules and ride off into the sunset on a metaphorical harley davidsen of mental health

So i was like Hey Paul I Am Totally Fine Getting Home On My Own, and it was like i was floating off in the distance somewhere begging my body to not speaketh these words. But it ended up working out okay! The excitement of it all and the sense of accomplishmebt from getting there all okay allowed me to mostly not freak out as i spent the day in town and looked at some shops and stuff. Basic Living Skills: Completed! I chilled out in the library (tho i dont have a card yet, alas!) and visited like five comic and anime stores, and got lost but found a Pizza Hut and that was SO NOSTALGIC FOR MY CHILDHOOD and it didnt taste quite as good as i remembered but the waiter guy was super nice and had a similar shirt and it was All Good! Oh and i gave all my money to a homeless person and that's why i'm broke now. And i bought a plastic slug! I just saw it from across the room and was like OH NO I AM BEING MAGNETISED TOWARDS IT OH NO IT HAS ALREADY BEEN BOUGHT. I need to think of a name for this new friend!!

So yeh i got home okay and i felt really acconplished and that was the furthest trip away that i've taken in ages! Man my mental illness makes me feel pathetic, but it also brings ridiculously big joys from the smallest of silly acconplishys!

Oh and thank you so much to the people who sent me emails! It really helped so much to keep me from giving up during the first few days before i made a bit of progress and felt like i could really do this, yknow? Especially big thanks tp the friend who sent me that mysterious super happy song that they found on a mystery disc in a german market?? Im still not sure whether its in greek or hasidic jewish but it sounds AMAZING and i hope someday i can figure out the band so i can hear their other singles!

Ok this is bunni out! BIG HUGS FOR THE EVERYONE AAAA