#theyre the world to me actually and i made myself emotional thinking abt this

[nailgunstigmata]

return of a friend <3

[astrobei]

hi astro (hope thats ok if i call you that!) heard you wanted interactions 👁 just wanted to say i absolutely adore your fics and i can tell how much love and passion was put into each and every one of them. so my question for you is, whats your favorite fic to write? what exuded the most emotion for you and what you feel like is your magnus opus? this can be multiple answers because you deserve to be proud of a lot of your works since theyre all great! have a great time wherever you are 🎉

omg YELLING that is so cute 😭 yes ofc u can call me that !! that is soooo kind of u !! seriously idk smth abt this compliment just . is so personal to me bc i Do probably care more abt my fics than i should for someone who is a full time student w a job but i just Cannot help it,, anyways thank u sm that made me smile so big i’m hugging u so tight 🫂🫂 and ooohhgg boy ok never ask me my favorite Anything bc i will not shut up abt it ! for me i think my fav fics of mine to write would be either you can hear it in the silence or i might be hoping about this which are both so deeply personal to me and i probably projected more than is feasibly healthy in both of them,, oops! and ik u did not ask for an Analysis but u are going to get one anyway so settle down grab some popcorn here we gooo

ok so idk about Magnum Opus but . you can hear it in the silence is probably the most personal fic i have ever written and the closest to a magnum opus i’ll ever get bc 1. i relate so deeply to mike wheeler as is and this was kind of how i interpreted his struggle w his identity and coming into himself just as a teenager navigating that weird place between high school and college and figuring out your interests and who u are,, and 2. full disclosure bc we’re all Friends here i Did write this fic right after a long distance relationship ended earlier in the summer which definitely influenced my decision to write it in the first place and 3. idk! there were so many aspects of this fic that were just me projecting, like mike getting the older sister mentor figure he deserves (i love nancy but she is Not the greatest older sister ok) and learning to take his time w things when you feel like u dont have enough of it,, anyways i would say this fic is probably my Favorite ive written ! it’s rly hard for me to reread my works but this one ive read back a few times and i actually. enjoy it?

i might be hoping about this is also rly special to me because IDK i just want what they have in this fic so bad dsdfjsdfj like. tender intimacy w someone who knows u better than u know urself! never having to feel like a burden to someone who loves u because they r happy to take care of u even when u can’t do the same,, idk i just think will byers deserves everything good in the world, and i really liked exploring his relationship to illness/his past trauma in this fic, especially since it was my first time writing established relationship! i Did have to step away from my laptop multiple times while writing this to scream into my pillow (literally im not exaggerating guys) because it was just so soft! and i felt so Lonely! anyways this is also a very special fic to me ik im literally the one who wrote it but GODDAMN i made myself sad.

thank u so much for the kind message again! i know u literally did not Ask for this page long analysis of my own writing but i am nothing if not incapable of being succinct so. <3

[wooahaes]

Ahh we all have that one professor who makes u go ??? The fuck ??? At least 5 times in 20 mins lol I get you

Also the nct thing was purely by accident lol aksnsksms I initially listened to boom by nct dream, thought I’d listen to a couple more songs, fell down the rabbit hole and now I actively Stan 20+ men 💀 yeah I did that to myself lol but fr nct has some weird shit but a LOT of bops like if you like slow ballad type of stuff I recommend from home and my everything but nct u or if u like smth cute Touch by NCT 127 is p well liked by most people I introduce that song to! And most of nct dreams older songs are p cute too! I feel like you’ve made a grave mistake letting me talk ab NCT because I could go on FOREVER aksnsksms also I totally get the mark + Haechan duo lol I have a particular fondness for mark because we share the same birthday lol plus he’s so cute I just wanna fucking SQUISH

I would LOVE to hear you talk about Shinee!! All of their music fuckin SLAPS I’ve been obsessed with Body Rhythm every since it came out and like I got into the fandom p late so I don’t know much but I think taemin is fucking hilarious like he is very much my pathetic lil meow meow

-Baby Teume

literally i love her but the way she runs her classes... headache inducing. im probably going to scrape past with a C unless she decides to drop our lowest grade (highly unlikely but very welcome)

... my confession is that i actually enjoy sticker lmao like ik its not great ig? but i can still vibe with it

i have made NO mistake asking u to talk abt nct!!! pls talk to me about nct whenever u feel like it lmao i love hearing abt other ppls groups and the stuff they get passionate about!! literally i love when ppl give me song recs even if i dont end up getting into them bc its a lil 'hey i thought u might enjoy this' and i think thats sweet <3

i learned that marks emojis are a tiger and a lion and im like omg... tiger... another tiger boy to add to my collection. AND lions too??? mark nct ill give u a kiss omg /j

omg... u will regret asking me abt shinee i love them SO much. im ignoring the fact taemin just showed up on my playlist (highly recommend all of the shinee members solo stuff!!! i can absolutely give recs for my fave from each member even tho minho has like two songs to him rn but theyre both good fdkhdshf)

i always say taemin is my bias (hes adorable AND funny like... king stop my expectations are too high-) but i think im truly ot5 because all of them are so important to me. they were the first kpop group i ever listened to forever ago (sherlock (clue + note) is a legend and i love her so much), and i think dropping off shortly after getting into them (which would have been around 2015 because it was the time view came out) and then picking them a little over a year ago was genuinely like... something that really helped me out of a shitty place + hurt because i had missed the news about jonghyun entirely. but even then, i think its made me appreciate him and everything he's done so, so much. i won't get sappy but i truly love jonghyun so much and i'm glad he's no longer hurting. it'll always piss me off when people reduce him down to his death and nothing else because he was such a good person.

moving on from that before i get too emotional... i genuinely just love shinee a lot. i watched one of the shinee world concerts (IV i think?) earlier this year and its amazing how talented they were and still are. shinee truly helped pave the way and inspired so many idols and i adore them. its also fun to just watch them interact, tbh. i don't genuinely ship anyone because i find that weird, but minkey as a (platonic) pair are my faves lmao they always bicker like an old married couple but you can tell that they do love each other and are genuinely close friends.

and jinki!!! onew my beloved!!! i love him so much. he has such a warm presence and GOD his vocals... i die every time... coincidentally love phobia just came up on my playlist lmao but still!! highly recommend listening to DICE if u haven't!! the entire album itself is good but the title track is soo good <3 i always feel like i forget he's the leader of shinee because they're all so close-knit, it feels like they're all on completely equal footing even if jinki is the one leading them.

i didnt rly get into my love for taemin but genuinely i adore him. he's so, so talented both vocally and dance-wise, i love to see the difference between his stage persona (typically his solo persona lmao taemin and his slutty slutty music... <3) when he's really just this very sweet catholic man who apparently only really interacts with his group mates and a few others outside of that. he's so funny and i honestly admire every live he did where he spoke english and messed up and accepted his mistakes? like. learning a language is hard enough, especially one as fucking weird as english, but he just seems to eager to try speaking english and accepts his mistakes. i think he definitely has a very good support network both in the people helping him learn english (job-wise) and in having someone like key there to correct him (and maybe rib him a little bit--but it's all out of love). also i still think its really funny he broke into keys place to leave him a birthday cake and then proceeded to steal one of his jackets. stole my heart at the same time smh

i will stop here bc i still have two questions left on my final but !!! i will absolutely give u shinee recs if you want!! shinee has SUCH a good discography with only a few songs that are... not good at all lmao. but every group puts out some bad songs sometimes, especially when they've been around for a long time! nothing wrong w that! + i'll probs throw in recs from each member's solo career because i genuinely love a lot of their solo stuff as well <3

[casperillion]

i cant post the orignial context because i think op blocked me but thats fine, i just want to air my thoughts and tbh if theyre not looking anymore im happier abt that.

to summarise a little bit of what this is abt, i replied to an article that very much implied that all trans men are loud misogynists, especially towards trans women which is not something i agree with. my reasons for not agreeing with this is very much based on my real world and online experiences of growing up in the queer community with many trans people around me. I stated that i dont think that misogynistic trans men (which look, i know they exist, ive met them) should be considered the majority and on top of that it feels very weird to focus so heavily on that when trans men do not hold a position of power over other trans people, especially not systematically.

to be fair to op i didnt explain this as clearly as i could originally since my first response to the article was very much an emotional response.

anyway op told me the world would be better off without me in it and that i should kill myself, that im a transmisogynist, and that im the reason they hate that theyre trans masc. someone else told them to back off bc while they agreed with op they thought it was a bit fucked up to say that, i responded to them and clarified my points and this person also ended up agreeing with me.

op then messaged me privately with this

okay context done here are my thoughts, i'll try to split this up so its a bit easier to read Original point

so for this one, trans men and our issues are very often erased or only ever brought up as an after thought. I dont feel like i need to explain why erasure is bad but the biggest issue i find with this is lack of resources and lack of coverage or even knowledge about the shit trans men deal with in a cisnormativity society.

this article was rough for me to read because it described every trans man that the writer had met as someone who became a loud misogynist and the conclusion was that all trans men were that way, if not openly then secretly. I know this is not the case because i know many trans men and trans masculine people, many of those men are very passionate supporters of trans women, nb people, and cis women. honestly i think these experiences say more about the person who wrote the article than trans men as a whole.

this attitude is used by TERFs to harass trans men who they see as "traitors" and its where i see this sort of thing most often. its very weird to be this focused on this subject especially without discussing how complex being trans masculine is.

its kinda hard to put everything into words, i'll add on more when i remember it later

To the person who posted the article that is now harassing me

im not gonna name them but looking through thier blog actually... made me really sad. they are the type of people that have fallen victim to this kind of thing. they hate men, and they hate themselves even more for being one.

its so sad to me that they see themself like that, its kinda hard to even know if theres a way i can help them, i want to though. even though they were incredible weird towards me.

digression into them being weird actually bc ive been thinking abt it.

they were very quick to judge who i am as a person without knowing anything about me, made a lot of assumptions that arent true. it felt a lot like projection because like?? idk its wild to doubt that i care about my close friends???? you dont know any of us?? you dont even know what community i come from?? i know trans women from like, actually idk the youngest age but roughly from 20 years old to 40+, most of the trans men i know are in their 20s, and i dont even know what the range for nb people i know is because ive met too many and i stopped keeping track. I've lived with other trans people in person of all genres (idk i dont have a better word) , ive volunteered in places where ive met and helped trans women get back on their feet while experiencing financial hardship. as a teenager i was involved in creating safe spaces for trans and gnc teens in my city to meet each other and hang out. less relevant but ive also be outright told by women im close with that they value my perspective when we have discussions about misogyny, actually that was literally 2 nights ago while we were discussing the best way to create a safe space for women and trans fems. obviously op knows none of this but its wild that they just.. assumed so much and decided that my voice was not important or worth listening to.

[jojonokimyounaboukeneyesofheaven]

man i looked back at all those messages i sent u n now to know u never even blocked me and peobably read fuckign every single one man like god i feel so fucking pathetic i thot i was just going to be able to like vent my thoughts out n like have no strings attatched n like iunno man now i Have to have introspection on what i said i Have to not just let my emotions stay as they were in the moment n actually think abt how theyre impacting ppl n how theyre seen and i fucking hate it i hate myself i wish i could undo all this mess but i never fuxking can

i hope u arent like Affected by seeing the deranged scribblings of a shoe of side al freak but fuck im sure u like Are n now i like know i just like made a huge n total ass of myself in full display of u i like as much as a part of me is haply that u didnt block me i like wish u did just so i wouldnt have to bear the facts that like i know u read that shit

i feel so like voided now i felt great getting that shit off my chest but now it has a like horrible tint to it n i cant like rejoice in anything i cant be happy abt my situation anymore i jist wish i was dead and gone n not dealing with this bs anymore idek what to do if i should like apologize or just like idk let te shit die n i think its the latter sadly i hate it n i dont want to but like i didnt want to make ur life worse i didnt want to fucking make u see me like desperately plea for like life man whyd u not block me misha i just wanted to like put my feelings away in the fuckin grave of us n u were still there and kicking n shit n it just has made this whole situation like worse 10 fold i cant even cry i just feel gross n depressed abt it i hate myself n i hate u for not following up on me sayin to block me but i am glad u didnt ?? because that means maybe u still care but u probably sidnt do it out of care u prolly did it cause u were anxious n then to see all my stupid fuckin messages like Uagsvejebsbeudndnd god fucking damnit i wish i could travel away from all this shit n not care abt anything in my life again n just like take my ounches n suffer silently n stop putting effoet into trying to like exist i dont even fucking know what im saying now i am so like mad at myself and the world and i just fucking grhrjdndhenxbdj death

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[snakeningel]

not to be starting homestuck race disk horse in 2019 but yknow what? I Will.

being an asian fan in the hs fandom is kinda, not great actually. in fact, it not only feels like we’re not here at all, that we’re erased, but its honestly? downright harmful. people treat the trivialization and fetishization of your culture to be,,, like a Big Joak. yall joke about weebs like these people havent been literally grooming and abusing asian girls, like we havent been made fun of enough for Their actions, like we aren't already viewed as the strange punchlines to jokes that still seem somehow acceptable. its somehow funny to joke about how you hate every sign of asian culture that shows up throughout the comics, like how dirk’s kotatsu was dumb and pretentious as if people in japan dont literally live with one and use it every single day!

even asian-coding in characters get swept away in favour of other headcanons. even the megidos, who are as close to canonically asian as they possibly can be in a medium like homestuck, are often drawn white or something completely different altogether. the stridlondes are also heavily asian-coded, and the fans who do pick up on that, who finally feel comforted by someone like them as protagonists? they often just.. give up on that, because they see so little representation in the fandom. (theres only like one popular artist i know of that draws the strilondes asian? but like, hats off to u pal, youre fighting the good fight). also, it seems strange, to be represented so little considering almost 3 billion people on earth is asian, which is, Quite A Lot to be not represented a lot. dont get me wrong, i adore the outpouring of more diverse art of the kids, but a hard truth to swallow is that pocs being weebs/fetishizing asian culture, is just as harmful as white people doing the same. there is a world of difference between japanese dirk, trying to interface with his lost culture by clinging to the most performative and popular parts of it, than another dirk, appropriating people’s cultures because he thinks its funny or interesting based off a show he watched once. i love how people are like "wow the striders like anime and care about traditions and use japanese words and overall just seem like diaspora kids" and the conclusion they draw from that is "clearly,, they cannot be asian" bc a non-asian person being interested in those things is better than an asian person whose interested in their own culture i guess??

in fact, a lot of these narratives are so much more interesting once theyre looked at through their coded lenses!

Dave’s struggle with coming to terms with his emotions strikes such an interesting chord when the striders’ concept of irony and never showing their emotions Correspond so well to the idea of honour/face, where youre not supposed to show that youre Ever Sad or anything that isnt a positive emotion because it shows that youre a Failure and You Failed and that makes you a Bad Person, which is exactly what dave struggles with because hes So Guilty about it, which ties to the guilt and shame a lot of asian people feel about not being able to live up to impossible standards set by their parents, which is another theme we see reflected in all four strilondes. 

rose’s strained relations with her mother are mirrored in so many of our second-generation lives and makes so much more cultural sense when looked at that way. the weird distance you hold from your parents, where you cant look each other in the eyes anymore, because every interaction feels more like a business transaction. you hand in your good grades and praise from teachers, talking about how mature you are, and they return with some present or gift that you don't really want. you dont know anything about them, and they dont know anything about you, Not the person you Actually Are, anyways. but there is a yearning, to be close, to know eachother, but you only feel it in return when its too late. as well as her Obsession to be mature, to be smart and adult-like because thats what shes praised for, because you Need to be academically the best always and that means reading dictionaries until the sun goes down, repeating each word until they are engraved into your mind. always finding competition, subtle or not, because if you are not the winner, what are you?  dirk’s wild performative love of japanese culture (which also, in turn, lead to non-asian fans literally trashing it like it was a funny joke to call someone’s culture lame and stupid) seems like ‘ironic’ weebism, but its also being Exactly the type of over-the-too performative reclaiming of our culture that so many asian diaspora kids do when they’re teens! they feel bad about pushing away their culture as youth, but they’re not quite mature enough to actually care about the rich history and ‘boring’ parts, so they cling to pop culture, to social media and something so much more easily consumable, like anime. which is not even to mention the idea of him trying desperately to connect to a culture that he has never grown up in, but still belonged to by consuming mass amounts of media, being Such an immigrant story. as well as his massive competitive streak and need to make other people as good as he is (but not better), is the type of internalized pressure that a lot of asian kids feel as well. 

and all the stridlondes have various anxieties about not performing well enough, of not living up to a standard that they have set for themselves, feeling like even a single step back or even one mistake is a catastrophic failure that’s branded to you for life. Which is just as much of a mental health thing as it is like,,, an asian thing

this is getting really long so im cutting myself off here but please if you want to hear more about my Thoughts and Hot Takes feel free to shoot me an ask. 

in conclusion: please treat asian people better hs fandom i literally beg you. like,, im Not tryna make waves but,, asian erasure in fandom is a huge issue and no one ever talks abt it!! dont trivialize, fetishize and erase cultures blease  big thanks to @ernikerr and @wyndryga for encouraging me to go Off and helping to write this.

anyone please feel free to rb but non-asian people please watch your mouth

[reineyday]

some feelings abt touya and bnha 302 in general! (long post)

jesus this whooooole chapter makes me so so so sad for touya, like he's canonically a crier and i just have all these images now of him crying off to the side while enji looks at his other kids and gives them the time of day. knowing that he was/is a frustrated crier makes the fact that dabi cant cry cuz of his burned tear ducts that much sadder ohhman

one of the things i cant get over is how touya was SO shunned by his dad that when he went to go tell enji about his fire turning from red to blue, he says "i might be as awesome as shouto sooner or later!" like?? this boy is 13 and shouto is 5 yet he's talking like the brother that's eight years younger than him is better than him and thar it's just a fact. the sky is blue, enji wants to beat all might one day, and shouto is better than the rest of his siblings. nevermind that he's only five and just wants to play with his siblings (and dont even mention to me how shouto says he wants to play with "touya and them" cuz im gonna fucking cry abt it. like even though touya's accepted he's bottom of the ladder in this family, shouto clearly wants some sort of acknowledgement from his older siblings and especially his older brother. IM FVCKN SOBBN). enji has made it clear in this family that shouto was what he was looking for and everyone else is not as important, and i knew this from shouto's pov but it's kinda wild to see it implied so casually in touya's words.

"you'll be glad you created me! i just know it!" HOLY SHIT. god my heart. oh my fuck. literally all enji had to do was show up to the fucking mountain, and he couldnt even do that? what the hell?? your son asks you to go to the mountain, you tell your wife not to let him go traim but she said she couldnt stop him, and instead of going yourself to make sure he's okay and BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU TO COME (and with an actually valid reason, no less! fire changing colour is kind of a big fucking deal!!!) you just?? let him go and let him stay there??? my god the amount of times touya must have burned himself and the trees with tears in his eyes. ahhhHHH!!!

what kills me (and touya too soon?) was that we thought before the back story started that enji forced touya to train till he burned up. then when 290 came out--and definitely after 301--we thought maybe touya overtrained himself and burned up. and sure, he was definitely overtraining, but to find out that the burns that "killed" him started just bc he was crying so much he lost control and didnt know how to ease up on his flames? he was upset and literally trying to get himself to stop crying, and then he just set himself aflame and burned up cuz of all his emotions??? that HURTS. holy fuck.

i cant believe natsuo's feeling lowkey guilty for not socking enji in the face like he wasnt EIGHT???? and let's be real, enji woukdnt have fucking listened to natsuo telling him to talk to touya--he already wasnt listening when touya would straight up say "look at me" and when even rei said touya just wanted enji to look at him and notice him. listen, i know sometimes miscommunications happen in families and children are embarrassed to admit they want attention and so their parents remain unaware that theyre not giving their kid something they want, but touya was as clear as can be on MANY occasions, and even rei agreed touya needed the attention and enji just wasnt listening.

also i know there was discourse abt touya being sexist by telling natsu that "the women in this house are good for nothing" and mb it was partly diff translations cuz i feel like saying "this house" makes it specific to rei and yumi instead of all women everywhere, but even disregarding that--i think it's a valid thought for him to have when rei wasnt standing up for him (where he could see, at least) and yumi admitted herself that she was too scared to interfere and so just tried to fix things and keep appearances. i feel like based on what touya's seen from them, it makes sense that he has that opinion. (also gonna mention that i think rei's and yumi's choices also make sense and i think they were valid, seeing as how they were afraid as well.)

and poor natsu being woken up in the middle of the night (what was implied to be often enough, esp cuz it seemed they share a room and their futons are close) bc of touya's pain. that's a lot of emotional responsibility for an eight year old, and it is also so sad that at 13, touya didnt have anyone else to turn to but his kid brother. at 13, i remember being fully aware of the distinction in maturity between an 8 year old and myself, and it sucks that touya couldnt go to anyone but a younger child with all his pain. i bet yumi being too scared to interfere translated to touya as "she wouldnt help me" and thats another reason he didnt go to the 2nd oldest when he needed to vent. (also not related to this but how the FUCK was natsuo so tall at 8 years old? wh a t)

this chapter. this fucking chapter. my heart aches for touya, and it's just such a huge fucking shame he didnt get the attention and validation and support he needed. there must have been workarounds so that touya could safely use his quirk. there weere DEFINITELY better ways to support your son through a self-destructive quirk, ways that involved actually being there and seeing him. i feel like if someone showed him the attention he needed and talked him through how to better control his emotions (and by extension, his flames) and a positive and healthy way, he could have been someone so great. and if he ever learned how to set aside the way he felt infefior to shouto and saw that shouto just wanted to play with his cool older siblings, it might have been really beneficial to see that there was someone there who thinks he's cool and gave him attention just bc he was an older brother, who needed him when everyone else in the househild didnt seem to need him.

and lastly, the fact that the chapter ends with rei saying that shouto is the family hero and that shouto will have to face dabi?? and it makes me angry that shouto has to take on that responsibility. that he was five and suffering for things he wasnt even a part of, couldnt be properly aware of, bc he was so young. he just saw that he was separated from his siblings and that his dad bullied his mom, then grew up shouldering enji's heavy goals and high expectations and abusive training alongside the barely-there memories of his older brother who died (i say barely there bc if natsu didnt even know shouto liked cold soba, shouto was definitely not around enough to have solid memories of touya before he "died"), and now he has to do the emotional labour of fighting his villain brother (who i bet shouto lowkey empathizes with when he thinks abt it late at night) as well as suffer the physical consequences of that agni kai. and it makes me angry that he has to do that, bc he's a Good Guy and he probably feels he has some sort of filial and familial responsibility. he's only 16. he just wanted to play with touya and them, and now he has to deal with this horse shit dabi's causing cuz his dad's an emotionally neglecting asshat who couldnt see past his dumb fucking ego until he saw shouto play with a bunch of kids during shou's remedial exam a decade after his eldest son burned himself to death. what the fuckety fuck.

lastly, since we saw touya burn uo the way he did... did he really just like... burn so much his jaw fell off, and that's how they found the jawbone? cuz holy hot (BURNING too soon???) damn that must have been painful as all hell. i wonder if next chapter we get to see if someone found touya at the park and helped him out and sorted out the jaw bone thing, or if we finally get to see if deku wakes up lol.

anyways this chapter hurt my heart big time, and i kinda wanna draw kid touya crying while being overlooked by his family to let out some of those feelings but we'll see.

and i still stand by my idealistic and naively optimistic hope that dabi gets redeemed and they soend some actually time together as a family (without enji. or at least, with an enji that has apologized to touya in seiza. like, forehead-to-floor apologize.)

does this hope sort out how dabi redeems himself, seeing as how he's murdered people in cold blood and shouldnt be excused for that bc those actions are also inarguably terrible? no. not sure how he could redeem himself for that kinda stuff honestly, but it doesnt mean i dont still somehow want the todoroki sibs to get along, cuz im weak for mending families.

also id like to send a huge kudos out into the world to rei todoroki for being firm for once and for also not running away from her mistakes like her asshole husband has been. i really admire and respect that. she was afraid and being abused, but now that she's been away from enji and has had time to heal, now that her and shouto are in the mend and she's seen that her eldest son is alive and a villain, she's a place where she can acknowledge that even though she was a victim too, she played a part in touya's emotional neglect and she's taking responsibility and that speaks to some incredible fucking strength. damn.

i hope one day that dabi realizes the same in regards to his mother and natsuo, who shouldered a lot of his emotional pain and suffered the consequences of his outbursts (even though his emotions are valid and his outbursts understandable, he still hurt rei and put a lot of pressure on natsu), and i also hope he sees that for all that he hates his father, his whole existence revolves around enji and it's a shitty place to be (and then he'll have ANGST abt it and that shit will be!! so good!!!)

yeah i think those were all my feelings. i had so many lol. their family situation is so difficult, i hope they all turn out okay and alive and healing.

oh i guess i also wanted to say that i kept calling enji an asshat and asshole cuz he was for sure, but i still think his redemption is valid and im glad he's taking those steps to be a better person by being a better father. i dont know if id want his family to forgive him for all that horrible shit he put them through (im personally hoping that no matter what anyone else does, natsuo will choose to to cooperate in the healing of his family as a unit but will never forgive enji) but i think it's good of people to try to be better than they were yesterday regardless of whether or not they get forgiveness. i dont personally like enji, but i dont hate that he's getting a redemption. i just hope it's a redemption that makes sense and forces him to put in the work, and isnt something like a death sacrifice for shouto or dabi. i want him to be alive and i want his redemption process to hurt like a fucking bitch while he forces himself to make better choices and be a better person, cuz redemption isnt supposed to be easy in the slightest. i GUESS all the crying he did in 302 was a good start.

anyways, if for some reason you read all the way down to the bottom--hello! and thanks for reading haha. cheers! :)))

[yoongi-gummies]

WEI WUXIAN & XUE YANG AU

homeless au!!!

when wwx's parents died and he ended up homeless, what if he went to find them?

baby wwx begging and eating out of the trash while trying to get out of yiling to find his parents

bc he never actually finds out what happened at first, they just never came back and eventually he was kicked out onto the streets

and so he comes across baby xue yang!!

and xue yang having his hand freshly broken so ofc wwx can't just leave him there

so he manages to flag down a good Samaritan or smthn who helps xue yang as much as he can for free

and wwx decides to stick with him bc they're tired of being alone ✨

and xue yang decides to help him look for his parents because wwx just helped him despite not even knowing him

so they get even further from yiling

meanwhile Jiang Fengmian is looking for bby wwx in the only place he knows to look but is unable to find him

xue yang and wwx begging and doing their best to protect eachother while moving from place to place, eventually settling down in yiling while being very young

they beg enough to survive and decide to start cultivation on their own

they're both smart and resourceful so they make it up as they go along, asking any passing cultivator questions and doing their best

n they're both super smart, wwx having a natural talent for it and xue yang being determined to get it right

so theyre doing it and protecting eachother bc they're all eachother has for a while

and then they find the burial mounds and like the idiot teenagers they are, they decide to go in and find out what's happening there

xue yang gets injured by the resentful energy enough so that it makes wwx panic hard and he busts out his natural inclination to resentful energy and demonic cultivation by saving xue yang and clearing the small area they're in of the energy

after that theyre both learning what they can about resentful energy and eventually decide to clear out a part of the mountain and stay there, grow their own food and stuff

so they're helping out the people of yiling, usually only for food as payment. and they're very good at it for raggedy teenagers no one really knows. they stick to themselves too and don't really socialize all that much, maybe the occasional jibe or threat from wwx/xue yang

the cultivation clans start hearing word of them though, because two mysterious rogue cultivators dressing in all black rough robes and practising what is most likely demonic cultivation? Odd™

and they're worried but not too much because the pair never really leave yiling

but the lans deicide to get involved, and lan wangji is sent to do a night hunt there and find the two

he ends up getting saved by them, the pair showing up out of nowhere and taking out his target while wearing very unconventional masks

wwx wears a blindfold as his eyes turn red when he uses his cultivation, and uses a cultivation method he came up with to still see his surroundings

xue yang wears a mask that covers the entire lower half of his face, so his reactions/emotions don't show as much

lwj is rightfully kinda alarmed bc he wasn't expecting them to be skilled enough to get ahead of him and hunt his target faster, considering he's sect trained by the lans and as far as anybody knows, they're both just rogues

but theyre friendly enough and invite him back for tea, mostly wwxs doing, and he goes

and makes an impulsive decision to invite them to gusu and the cloud recesses because they're both very skilled and he thinks 1, living in a homemade hut in the mountains is not very healthy and they're both looking very thin, and 2, that they're both skilled and he'd like them to be formally taught

they agree, as long as they can wear their masks and can leave whenever they want to

lwj agrees and takes them back ✨

wwx is friendly, chatters with everyone and plays with a clueless kind of act but it's clear he's very skilled and capable. him maneuvering easily with a blindfold on at all times would be a tell of that, but on top of it him getting into full debates with lan qiren with his crude, street-gained knowledge but he knows enough to go back and forth with him

it INTRIGUES lwj a lot, and it's only made worse by wwx showing a genuine-seeming interest in being his friend. wwx drawing him near perfectly without having ever seen him without the blindfold on. it just really piques his interest

n it's clear wwx and xue yang are kinda two sides of the same coin with eachother. xue yang being able to fill in for wwx with lan qirens debates, albeit with a little more outward hostility, and then always seeming to come to the same conclusions and make if not the same then similar decisions

they tease and argue relentlessly but it's clear they're seperate from everyone else, by their own making. they care for eachother, and essentially only eachother. they're like brothers, anyone would assume they are

lwj eventually learns abt their past tho and it makes him really really

just sad, and kinda proud that they've managed to be some of the most known cultivators while being homeless and rogue

lwj and wwx fall in love, ofc, and maybe xue yang meets a traveling xingchen and song lan and they have their whole thing but without xue yangs rampant psychopathic tendencies

some extra details bc I can!!

jiang cheng having heard from his father about a child from the wei's that he failed to find that would've grown up with him finally hearing of a Wei Wuxian in the cloud recesses and wondering if this is who his brother was meant to be. he's super interested in wwxs whole vibe, and it only adds to it w wwx being ranked up with the heir cultivators like himself, and maybe they do become friends maybe not, both kinda work

xue yang having someone there to pull him back up and rely on from the pinky incident would, I think, make a world of difference. i think it'd make him less "murder everyone who's ever talked to anyone who wrongs me" and more "protect myself and Wei Ying"

wwx and xue yang both using a blend of demonic cultivation and regular cultivation and while it taking serious tolls on both of them, them still practicing it because they just want to help people. using it to protect people in exchange for warm home cooked food? it'd be worth it to them, living on the streets as they were

I don't think they'd ever truely separate, they would find their own purposes ofc but they see eachother as FAMILY so they'd never ever wanna not be close to the other. lwj learns to love (read: tolerate) xue yang as easily and he learns to love wwx, because he knows they're just a package pair, they come together or not at all

this can follow canon however, maybe with less wwx-dying but really, however. it had a lot more little details, such as wwx and xue yang wearing those long veil-hats wen qing wore when she was gonna take out wwx golden core whenever theyre in gusu/major clan cities just bc they can, but I decided to omit a lot of them for the sake of this thing making sense and being at least kinda chronological. I made it w @hunnie-byun who makes literally every idea I have so much better, she contributed most of this 🥺

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

Hamilton!firstprince au

(cross posted from twitter with a couple of edits b/c i couldn’t make them there)

in which i loosely follow the plot of hamilton except its firstprince and alex and henry get a happy ending. inspired by the striking similarities i noted between our favorite first son and his namesake hamilton in the broadway musical

the similarities:

both have/will have a political career

both often talk too much/don't mind their words

both began as lawyers

both extremely motivated but overwork themselves (“nonstop” +  “you have a fire under ur ass for no good goddamn reason)

both had some sort of sex scandal that impacted their career plans

hamilton speculated to be bi

the story

the setup of the colonized country alex lives in is similar to the usa vs england but fictional bc alexs race would have limited his opportunities in america's early years

idk names for either of these countries so its now the colony and the motherland

alex + his mom live alone in the poorer southern part of the colony

but his dad + june live elsewhere + they dont rly contact e/o (tho they do know of e/o’s existence)

june becomes a journalist who writes important pieces abt independence

when alex comes of age his mom reveals she used to be part of the rebellion

thats actually why his dad left to raise june bc it was too dangerous

his parents met in the rebellion but oscar left first for june while ellen stayed until she realized she was pregnant w alex

ellen still has some rebel contacts but she mostly sheltered alex to keep him safe

now tho alex decides to join too + the rebellion sends him up north to the capital for an education bc he's smart + they need people like that

he attends uni + meets like-minded people there

tension grows btwn the colony in the motherland, and alex + his friends write/speak out often and this goes on throughout their schooling

they’re also troublemakers in general too, much to the annoyance of the motherland soldiers stationed in the capital to prevent rebellion

henry is one of those soldiers

he's from a noble family in the motherland but was sent overseas as the sort of black sheep of the family due to his sexuality

the idea was to let him be in charge in the colony + reestablish a reputation there w/o embarrassing the main family back home

henry hates his job + feels bad for the colonists but still does what he's told anyway

alex + fhis riends like to bug motherland soldiers for fun

nothing  enough to put their lives in danger too much (although yes that too esp when drunk)

henry becomes a favorite target of alex's bc he's awfully stoic + statue like + on the way to uni - overall fun to antagonize 

there's also the fact that alex is angry at all the soldiers for oppressing the colony + holding up the motherland monarchs tyranny (but also alex just is the type to fight literally everything and anything) 

it becomes almost a daily ritual for them to argue 

henry wonders why this colonist keeps on picking a fight w him but soon almost looks forward to it

many of the other soldiers know or speculate why henry is in the colony but none make the effort to get to know him; some even call him arrogant or undeserving of his position

alex doesn't 

of course alex also doesn't know him

and alex hates him

but he doesn't whisper behind henry's back

henry comes to read some of the essays alex publishes speaking out against the monarchy + also hears alex speak to crowd in the square

alex is a talented + charismatic public speaker

henry finds himself growing increasingly sympathetic to the colonists cause

at the same time he and the other soldiers are order to be stricter and dole out more punishments

the others gleefully do so which makes henry concerned about alex's safety bc alex often seems to have no self-preservation skills

henry asks alex for a word when he's alone 

“am I in trouble?” “no but you bloody will be if u keep going on like this” 

“this is serious” “so am I” “you can't go around saying things so openly you'll get yourself killed”

alex tries to leave at this point “I think I'll be ok” but henry shoves him against the nearest wall 

“listen to me! stop acting like this is a game! ur putting ur sodding life in danger! I dont bloody care what ur opinions r but why must u declare them around enemy soldiers? how is this helpful 2 ur cause? u cant fight if ur dead” 

“you'd b surprised how effective martyrs are” 

cue enraged henry noises 

alexs gaze turns hard “listen i  appreciate/the advice” he says sarcastically “but I dont need an enemy telling me what to do. I can take care of myself” 

there's a stirring in alexs chest after he removes henry's hand and stalks off that he's pretty sure is anger

like it can't be anything else 

while alex is trying to convince himself of that, the tensions boil over + soon the two sides are on the brink of war then the fighting starts

henry + alex don't talk much for a while bc they're both busy on their sides preparing

school is on hold during the war so alex + his friends are looking to serve + bring glory to their names 

alex esp is recognized for his intelligence + becomes the recognized general rafael lunas secretary

luna is the george washington figure in this case who is impressed by alex wants him as his right-hand man

alex is disappointed his role is not on the battlefield bc he knows he has a good tactical mind + he could change the tide of a losing war + gain honor and status thru it, which would put him in a good position to be elected in the future

as secretary, alex is in charge of a lot of important correspondence eg for more supplies + men, so the motherland soldiers figure ambushing him off the battlefield would make things hard for the colonists

henry overhears this plan + immediately worries for alex's safety but he's cornered by another soldier to talk strategy + misses the chance to take out the men then

henry manages to catch that they're going to attack alex at night when he leaves + henry arrives just in time to kill them in a panic

alex hears the gunshot + yells “drop ur weapon”, drawing his own gun

henry obviously does + alex inspects the scene he keeps a gun fixed on henry

“what's going on?” he asks, eyeing henry w/ suspicion

henry explains everything + looks positively terrified bc he just betrayed his side even tho the motherland and his family has treated him like shit since he came out but still. 

becoming an outright traitor is not something henry ever planned + leaving behind everything he's ever known w no hope of ever going back is terrifying

but he also doesn't regret protecting alex

alex questions henry but can quickly tell henry is sincere + is telling the truth

henry explains his change of heart + they have a heartfelt moment in/just outside luna's office.

alex almost died + henry just switched sides, emotions are running high and they escalate into a kiss. the moon is out + it's all very romantic but they don't admit their feelings yet

soon after they go to luna, explain the situation + talk w the other generals/people in charge

henry is sent away on an assignment + is watched closely at first but he proves his loyalty quickly

henry and alex write letters back + forth that turn into love letters 

besides managing correspondence for luna, some of alexs ideas of sneak attacks/stealing supplies help turn the tide of the war andhe also writes to other countries for foreign aid

eventually the colonists win in this huge up start that no one anticipated bc the motherland is known as the most powerful country in the world

he + henry reunite in the capital of once the war is over

alex finishes up his studies + practices law + soon is chosen to be part of the new lawmaking body

things are going pretty well for alex w his legal + political success and his relationship with henry

they dont live together but theyre dating tho no one else knows

alex pretends to be single instead + says he doesn't want to be tied down

it works while he's still in his early 20s but as he gets closer to 30, people start to find it strange + tell him he needs to settle

being married to his work is also not a valid excuse anymore

it turns out alex made quite a few political enemies due to his strong opinions that he always vocalises + can be unwilling to compromise on

they don't like his ideas or more often hate him and hence his ideas too

they look for some dirt on him bc atm he has lunas support which has a lot of sway + decide they need to find out why he hasn't married

they manage to find out about henry + threaten to tell the public

alex is obviously distraught re the consequences personally + politically

so alex and henry discuss what to do 

henry is willing to put alexs political career 1st but firmly explains their relationship can't continue if that's the case

henry gave up his whole life + any possibility of going back to his family so he's not willing to be someone's dirty little secret  

alex doesn't know what to do so he goes to consult luna who he's become very close with over the years

luna is not quite old enough to be his father but he's like an uncle + he always calls alex “kid”, much to alex's annoyance

but alex knows he'll have some good advice

alex + luna end up having a long conversation

like washington luna has always been very vocal abt his regrets re his naivety + desire for glory back in his youth

hes always said that this was his greatest regret in life. but then he tells alex like he had another great regret in life- letting go of the love of his life

alex is surprised bc luna's never mentioned anyone special

“who is she?” 

“he” luna corrects “he was my best friend. we had something a relationship but it was short-lived bc I decided I wanted to join the military + attain glory. i thought thats what i wanted in life. turns out that stuff is meaningless w/o anyone to share it w. nor did I even achieve it. perhaps i did accomplish some things but now in my retirement I have no one by my side. i have found that life is meaningless without love and family.  

“i tried to find my friend to reconnect after all these years even as simply friends but he died in the war. alex, I see many similarities between us. don't make the same mistake that I did, alexander. glory + lasting legacy mean nothing if you're alone in the end

“if you make choices that are motivated by love and family you will be a lot happier”

alex takes his advice even though he kind of hates sort of giving up to his enemies

he decides to choose henry and his own happiness over politics bc in the end he's done a lot of good work and that much is enough

also his enemies probably would try to blackmail him throughout his career if he was doing something against their interests

so he + henry leave the capital and move uptown and the two of them have a quiet retirement + engage in philanthropy for the rest of their lives

separately they've amassed a decent amount of money - henry kept a portion of his inheritance despite being unofficially disowned and alex made a lot of money as a lawyer and then politician

as it turns out alex still has a tangential role in politics when some of his former allies go to him for advice

all in all, alex happy with his final decision to be with henry and step away from politics

the two of them live happy and full lives together

[sirengf-moved]

oh boy 1) 2, 5, 7, 10, 15 || 2) 3, 7, 9 || 3) 6, 7, 20 || 4) 4, 9, 27 || part five is embarrassing so none of that shit 💓 || 6) 2, 4, 10 || i gave u so many because i lov u but i'm also fucked up 🍊🌿💐💓

mars i lov u , also don’t worry i’m vain and i love answering questions abt myself so this works perfectly 😌🍯☁️✨🍓🍃 HOLD ONTO UR BUTT THIS IS A LOT :

( part 1 ) 🍨

Have you ever cut your hair yourself?

a: as a kid i think i got something stuff in my hair , gum or ? i’m unsure it’s a foggy memory but i just cut my hair and my mom got soooooo mad bc we had a friend who was a hairdresser and we didn’t tell her or anything and we just cut it , tbh it was pretty liberating but at the same time i don’t remember if i did a good job or not 💀

Do you collect anything?

a: mmm, jars ...... me telling myself i’m gonna gather jars for spellwork and i never actually do it so i just have a shit ton of mason jars , emptied candle jars , small flasks with cork screw lids all sitting around my crystals and incense ect....... rip me.

Are you a fan of bread and butter?

a: yes! i eat fried bread w/ light butter for breakfast most mornings , probably unhealthy but like.......it’s very yummy..... 😔

Have you ever almost died?

a: ive almost drowned at least 3 times, this racist dude thst i almost beat the shit out of nearly ran me over on my way home with his redneck truck ( forgetting i knew where he lived ) , almost asphyxiated myself by swallowing melted chocolate at least 3 /4 times , almost got into a head on collision at a 4 way once, when i jumped from the side of my grandfathers sailboat onto the docks i wasn’t considering how big the leap was and landed fine but almost fell back and would’ve been crushed between the boat and dock , and i thought i was going to die when this homeless man glared me down intensely at the local burger king as i ate my chicken and lowkey cried bc i was also going through an emotional meltdown ( unrelated to said homeless man making vicious murder eyes at me , but that sure didn’t help lol ) i’ve also died a lot in my dreams / almost died in dreamscapes ..... long winded answer but hi mars i’m also fucked up 😌

Favorite animal?

a: GELADA MONKEYS! LOOK THEM UP PLS THEYRE AMAZING I LOVE THEM! BIG FLUFFY BOYS!

( part 2 ) 🥧

Do you believe the butterfly effect is real?

a: hm... i feel like every action mayhaps has some sort of consequence but personally i’ve been seeing that like, how can this be true when you have billionaires who use slave/sweatshops/prison labor but yet are rewarded with vast riches? how can you have all of these people of power constantly doing bad , horrible things and not getting their karma? will they get it ten fold? down the road? is their karma their internal struggles? do they not have any moral qualms? are they MAKING the karma for others? these are questions i constantly ask myself to be quite honest....

Do you believe in witches and/or magic?

a: yes , for the most part. there are some i believe because i can feel it , their energy and majesty in the way they hold themselves and how they view the world, some people just scare me with how they go through life with such certainty on everything, certainty terrifies me to be honest. i do definitely believe in magic! it’s in everything! from someone cooking you something that you regularly cook but it tastes better bc they made it? magic! it’s everywhere! and also practical magic ( spellwork / spirit work / deity & entity work / tarot & oracle ect ) it all interests me and i love talking about it , to people who also believe and practice and KNOW AND RESPECT CULTURE/ HERITAGE / CLOSED PRACTICES! c:

Do you believe in anything mythical/supernatural? (Bigfoot, Mermaids, Vampires, etc.)

a: sorta , i’ve had too many rhythmic taps / scratches on my window in the deep hours of the night to not believe. i’m not sure if i believe in vampires as in modern mainstream standpoint but i’m pretty open to just about anything existing..it’s just this world is so weird and i’d be naive to think that just bc i can’t perceive it with my own eyes, it just simply doesn’t exist... u know?

( part 3 ) 🍡

If a friend called you to help hide a body, would you help or turn them in?

a: i ain’t no snitch. also kinda depends on the friend, bc i wouldn’t turn anyone in regardless ( unless they killed someone innocent / were a budding serial killer omg ) but like do i answer calls? rarely , am i also the one everyone always goes to? yes. either way i’d prolly help you bury the body, answering the phone however? another story. ( who am i kidding i’d be so excited that a friend wants to talk or smth then get roped into this whole drama episode )

Have you ever had a crush on someone that, now as you look back, is completely embarrassing?

a: YES , STORY TIME! okay so i was like 17/18 and i liked this guy and at the time i thought i was being soooooo oblivious about it , but like a few months later a friend was like ‘ did u like so and so? ‘ and i was like ‘ was it that obvious? ‘ and they were all like ‘ painfully ‘ and to this day i still get randomly reminded by my brain how stupid , cringe worthy and weird i acted , like my brain is relentless in reminding me how fucking fat of an L that whole crush thing was........ 🙃

How would you react if you had a secret admirer?

a: depends, ive had ‘secret’ admirers who turned very obsessive in my past, so i’m naturally wary , but idk if someone thinks i’m cool i have no problem with that , but if you put me on this weird pedestal then i have a problem ... 🤲🏽 td;lr : id be as humble as possible bc then i’m reminded i’m perceived.

( part 4 ) 🍰

Favorite actress?

a: lupita n’yongo!!

Favorite type of food?

a: savory / rich/ salty food, i don’t really care for sweet foods ... or fried foods ? i don’t like large portions either tbh, i like to feel full not like dead lol. my favorite types are either seafood or seafood coupled with steak and other assorted meat and sides .

Favorite sport?

a: i liked playing volleyball, i like watching soccer and occasionally college football ( ik ik.... ) but i also love watching women’s professional gymnastics!!

( part 6 ) 🌯

Ever kissed someone who wasn’t single?

a: i don’t think so.... no! it sounds like smth i’d do on accident or smth tbh ... but not smth i’d do purposely!

Have you ever done anything illegal?

a: yes! lots of things! but i’m not gonna list them all here, nothing too serious but lol yes haha

Ever lied straight to someone’s face?

a: daily occurrence tbh, i’m really good at lying , i had to get good at it as a kid in order to avoid shit so 😌 now i can convince gross men that i’m in a relationship with a huge weightlifting bouncer and we have 3 kids and hes on isle 6 and will be back soon when i’m in walmart and some creep attempts to talk to me too much! and they’ll believe me.......

[hirokiyuu]

hey as per requests (almond’s and also my own bc i’m a narcissist) i’ll be doing liner notes for chs7+8 as well as bonus content here! starting w/chapter 8

ch7 in general was.......... bizarrely difficult. i think i ended up rewriting every single scene except the last half of the second one like three or four times. i definitely did the climax of sc1 like. a Billion times. it gave me a looooot of trouble....... but overall the atmo was good and i think the effort was worth it?? shrugs

and now for some bullet points!!

this ch was the worst thing in the world to format bc i lit have to go into every single goddamn line and fix up the html to make it look good and i die every time. if someone knows how to put line breaks into a google doc that doesnt require me reformatting on ao3 later Please Save Me

the grocery store he goes to actually exists! we googled around for places in tokyo that looked good wwwww there really is a computer place right across the street too. im not going to say where it is tho bc that would give goro’s apt a location and he just lives In Tokyo Somewhere u kno

fun fact almo writes all of ftb’s game refs. originally “return to spawn” was [go home but in weird game lingo almo help me]

toaster oven dialogue is lifted from a real life conversation alm and i had abt this chapter

gratin recipe is smth almo came up w/actually!! they pieced together a few dif recipes from websites and stuff wwww they made it themself too. we’re planning to put it online at some point but they’re in School Hell rn so

they sent me the recipe narrating it in third person as goro doing it. it was great. i keep meaning ot make it myself so i too can become akechi goro

ftb ships featherman!yukamitsu bc i ship yukamitsu thats just how it is

the second scene was originally. a lot more romantic. dialed it back bc theyre deffo not there devwise yet but man do i have some snips to maybe put into later stuff

goro: hm how do i manipulate this boy

goro: ah i know. *proceeds to be somewhat honest w/him, leading to emotional closeness*

goro: perfect manipulation. we are not actually closer in any meaningful way of course. showing someone my genuine problems and insecurity is merely a tactic.

scene three. why do ftb pyramid scenes always require extensive rewrites “bc u gotta nail the atmo” ok but Why Do Ftb Pyramid Scenes Alw

this one was in mind for a while actually. i think i have drafts of this scene from like.......... june last year LOL it ended up taking a really dif form but he was always going to find the murals in the pyramid and end up confronted by what he did

wwww not much else to say abt this one i think it stands well on its own

[zekhromss]

ive got some Opinions and i dont wanna get myself mad 4 separate times to make separate posts so like heres a masterpost of everything ive made myself mad about in the past 20 minutes.

-im so fucking tired of transmisogyny and like actually transphobia in general but whatever it sucks that like every piece of media has some form of it and its like its 2019 how is the joke “man in dress think he woooomahn” not tired like how do people keep greenlighting it.  its stupid and ugly and i hate it i hate it so fucking much like can you get better jokes i wish there were a point in time where theres a collective Woke Millennial Hivemind that fucking massacres unfunny ass transmisogynists.  every time i have to cringe through a “excuse me did you call me sir” “oh apologies maam are you gonna get the Surgerie done” in a normal human context i die on the inside and also explode

-i think it should be illegal to force organized religion on your kids (but like in a non-religious persecution way like not in real life illegal i just wish it never existed) and in fact if kids are sheltered from shit that doesnt hurt them like homosexuality and scientific studies on the world around them i think they should be sheltered from religion.  religion causes a fuckton of mental and developmental disorders (typically emotional and psychiatric) that are damn near fucking impossible to recover from because youre always gonna be afraid of god or hell or whatever the fuck.  like not even in a christianity sense (theyre typically the worst about this and i say this from personal experience but like, idk, ive seen it from things like....not christianity....) i really truly believe religion should be kept from children until they can develop their own personalities and states of being because basing ur life around a pre-existing moral code of What Makes You Good is harmful and in most cases kids wind up wilding out and putting themselves in danger because they feel trapped and constantly under the watchful eye of karma or god or whatever.  like i really cannot think of a single religion where the basis is “just chill and promise to be cool” without some kind of punishment existing whether it’s “you’ll have to pay for this in your next life or in future interactions” and i think it’s just reaaaalllllyyyyy harmful for kids to experience like i dont think it teaches responsibility i think it teaches fear of mistakes because regardless of how merciful you as an adult think your god is, kids will not think like that.  like idk.  im sure theres good religions that handle this better but speaking from my standpoint i never found a religion that made me feel safe and Human until i got older.  even now that im like a buddhist im still like “yeah but what if this religion based in being cool and kind winds up fucking me over because karma doesnt think im the same person i think i am”.  idk im like traumatized from christianity tho so this isnt a good opinion for other religions so i guess this is about christianity sorry guys im not deleting this whole paragraph though.

-i think relationships in media need to fucking get away from “crazy insane medical professional who tortures people”.  i dont think i need to write an essay on this.  i dont understand why people keep making this archetype when it usually winds up being thinly veiled fetish torture porn for the first person this particular character interacts with and doesnt kill.  like maybe its okay for strictly horror films but i really cannot wrap my head around why people keep using this trope, it’s lazy and uninspired and feels like the biggest cop-out of a character.  like, you can make someone with baseline similar characterization but to put them in a place of forged authority to do whatever is just uh.....lazy....and it winds up being really gross really quick.  this isnt strictly abt cicciolata or w/e his fucking name is but hes the first character beyond like idk jigsaw that i can think of so this is all his fault now.  fuck you you stupid ugly bitch.  be in a horror movie if you want to act like this.  god.  it is like better than Doctor Man With Psychosisisisissis!!!!!!!11111!  because at least theyre being ugly as fuck on their own but ohhh mannnnnn you guys went to like.  editors and whatever and they thought it was a good idea?  we have to destroy all media and start over because these new archetypes SUCK.

-this kinda goes with my christianity rant but like i think....like i wish some form of black mirror existed where kids were independent from their parents personal opinions and there was like a thing that you could see when you were a kid that says “THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE THIS IS AN OPINION” when ur parents say some dumb racist/phobic shit because like literally parents are socially-acceptably brainwashing their children into having the same ugly ass outdated opinions and it fucking sucks.  i dont think kids should have to listen to their parents opinions i wish there was a cool fucking Opinion Free Zone where nobody can tell you a religion is wrong or a race or identity is wrong because fucking yikes.

-also i wish every employer was like lgbt friendly and not “at will”??? idk how its 2019 and we still have fucking people getting fired for zero reason other than theyre not cishet and their boss like has some irrelevant problem like theyre a cheap fucking asshole who doesnt want to pay them like i wish every employee had a Book of Rights thats non-negotiable and if you as an employer overstep those rights you get murdered like im being for real like if youre a fucking piece of shit i want you dead why would you exist in a capitalist state where you have to have a fucking job to live and then fire someone for a reason that isnt real.  fuck.

[wolfglue]

maybe all the fruit asks?? ik it’s a lot but they’re all such good questions 🍏🍌🍒🥝🍎🍉🍑

omg anon,, tysm 

PEACH: i only ever had my ears pierced when i was a kid but i hated the earrings i had so i just took them out :( i kinda want an industrial tho

RASPBERRY: my favorite flower has always been a forget-me-not, theyre so pretty and also like. Oh You Know. You All Know I Hate Being Forgotten. I Am A Whore For Love

LEMON: i have a dog named tinkerbelle and a cat named matcha! shes my bastard baby

MANGO: hmm i guess my trademark is my teal-ish hair

PASSION FRUIT: my style is lazy lesbian lol

PINEAPPLE: take a wild guess

STRAWBERRY: cannolis literally are so good they can clap my cheeks anyday

CHERRY: i cant play or sing. i sound like a dying cat but thats OK!

GRAPE: anywhere in the world?? probably sicily. gonna hang out with goats and shit

BANANA: the shining or original pet sematary!

BLACKBERRY: the genre of my life is actually a black and white 1920′s film where a clown pies a portly businessman smoking a pipe in the face and ends with the businessman taking out a revolver.

POMEGRANATE: im most confident with my friends like tiffy and kyi...theres a reason i got 2 feet :) one for each of u to hold :) i will however grow a third if anyone wants to join the stupidity 

CANTALOUPE: dads name is fool and moms name is clown

GUAVA: i actually prefer no makeup

TANGELO: if i could be a mythical creature u know damn well id be a werewolf

PLUM: idc about brands

COCONUT: i always wear pretty as a peach or rose! love floralish scents

LYCHEE: hmm lace

BLUEBERRY: i usually cosplay for halloween but idk what yet!

APPLE: tumblr

KIWI: i know it cliche but space i could talk abt it for hours

WATERMELON: im just part time at a craft store :( 

PAPAYA: this is ideal but DEAD or house of wolves by mcr. more realistic is two slow dancers by mitski

CRANBERRY: this is very specific but my favorite time of day is in the summer, right around sundown when its still warm but its getting cooler and the air just smells so good and the sky is pretty and theres a breeze coming in thru the window like ugh. pls,

NECTARINE: im not like. emotional in a sad way but if im happy or angry i dont mind showing it :D

ORANGE: i have no idea. i dont think so?

APRICOT: hm i only let myself get sad like once a month for like a week at a time. but when i am i just kinda sit in the dark and listen to music that i listened to in 2015 which does NOT help but idc im a dumb bitch who misses everyone 

STAR FRUIT: JELLYFISH! all jellyfish i think theyre cute ;) theyre squishy little babies 

DRAGONFRUIT: i mean ive had wine a few times and also made some bad decisions in 2015 but as a whole no

[killapunk]

the weirdest, NO, evilest, person i have every worked for

no real names are used in this piece. i refer to other weirdos and freaks throughout, sorry its a long read (i didnt intend for this) but its one of those things ya gotta settle into and believe me its a wild ride. this saga covers over three years of drama btw.

tw: mental health mentioned (inc panic attacks), chronic illness mentioned and mild sex references 

i am going to single out jess. shes more evil than a weirdo but weirdo nonetheless. pete is a secondary weirdo in this saga.

i work in retail for a long time. a fashion store to be precise. i started out in one store but transferred when i started studying at uni and remained there for the majority of the retail career. during my time there i had three managers, the longest one, who is also a fucking weirdo was pete. now before i worked with pete, before he transferred to our store. i didnt like pete when i started working with him, he annoyed the fuck outta me. but my life circumstances changed and my mental health issues got very bad AND i was diagnosed with cfs so i had to disclose it w him. turns out… he was fucking mental too, very understanding, super chill. we liked the same shit. great boss. 11/10 every time.

he would be my reference for every job ever…

…but. he started gettin involved w jess. now to jess. the main character in this piece.

jess had started at the company around the same time as me and we were always on the same level until the last year or so. jess was a bit older than the average age of staff at the store (17-20) and was 23 when this drama started. she had a college diploma, went onto do something semi-successful but related to her HND. but blew all her money, moved back into her parents and started working at the store part time and then onto full time. she was like…the perfect retail girl? small, cute, slim, bubbly… always looked cool in her uniform. customers loved the fuck out of her. 

jess had a bf when i first started and pete had a longstanding gf. jess and her bf ended things abt 4 or 5 months before pete and his gf. but i remember they started gettin cushy around about this time. im not sure if its cos im v sympathetic towards pete (a true kind soul who i hold v dearly in my heart) but even tho youd be thinking ‘boss abuses his power’ …jess was and still is fuckin manipulative and he has longstanding mental health issues and i just think she sorta got the ball rollin’. pete and his gf didn’t seem on good terms, i dunno the full story but it seemed like they should have broken a long time before the did.

i think the fortnight before pete and his gf broke up they were spotted hanging out together near where she lived. it was this hush hush thing that everyone giggled abt cos there was at the time talk they were fuckin. when it got out, after his breakup jess said she was ‘just being a friend’ cos he was ‘going through a tough time’. 

jess got promoted to keyholder even though she didnt really (at the time) have the skills or confidence to be a keyholder. and then she started to try and fuckin control the work. back during this time, everyone who worked at the store, minus literally 3 people, had worked for the company for at least a year. the store ran very well, we were always in profit. nothing went wrong. but. she started changing processes because it 'made things easier when she was opening’. like. she made everyone tally the amount of people they served in the fitting room in one box and tally the amount of things people left behind so she could make a sales chart. idk if that’s normal in other stores but like? it was just nuts and impossible to do.we always put deliveries away out the package but not folded in a particular way. she made everyone tag and (where relevant) hang items bc she had to pick everything in the morning. 

she became friends w most of the girls, including one of the supervisors. they ruled the workplace. it was a total gossip mill. she gaslit the fuck outta people. one already less-popular girl at work ended up quitting cos she kept blaming her for fuck ups, she kept getting write ups and it was impating her mental health. she spun people against her. less popular girl spoke up and called her a bully and jess acted all defensive and said she wasn’t a bully bc shed been bullied before? jess continued to fuck up the workplace. next she turned on two people in her own clique. one tbh, i think she was jealous of bc jess had always wanted to be a teacher and this gal was training to be one. the other girl was v like jess, just not a bitch… strongwilled, liked control. anyway, drama got to the point where they had to quit. waay too much drama for this textpost. at this point others started to notice n work became hostile. jess moved her girlgang clique to one of the original clique girls, a different supervisor and the other two full time staff members.

pete obv didn’t listen to people coming to him, as store manager being like… hey… there’s this major clique problem and he’d be like ‘nah everyone is just friends, jess is a bit insecure but yno things are good, people quit, its just retail. fuck it.’ jess accused everyone who didn’t get on w her as being a terrible person. those legit words. like. if someone said it was a shame x, y or z left shed rebut, nah they were shit at their job, they were a shit person. honestly. EVERYONE. was a bad person. even the nicest people in the world were the worst person, the worst at the job. she was a good person, she liked the good people. she HAD BEEN BULLIED AND WOULD NEVER BULLY. she threw the anxiety word around a lot.

once we had a staff night out and i got left alone with jess and pete at the end of the night in this terrible lil bar as i waited for someone to pick me up. this is a good point to mention jess was always weirdly jealous cos i was close to pete. fucking ridic considering he was 14 years older than me and you know my fucking boss??? this night, i was sitting right next to pete, we were both drinking, jess wasn’t (cos she likes to be in control, she even said it), he had his arm around me and was whispering something into my ear that was such a non-thing i don’t even remember. she got her phone out, started texting. he excused himself and when he returned he sat beside her. it was fucking nuts. i couldn’t believe my eyes. we had to basically carry pete out of the bar. jess said to me she was gonna drive him home cos it was on the way to hers (spoiler! it was not!). myself and pete did the open the next day. he came in wearing the same clothes. i mean, he could have just passed out and had to rush to work when he woke up. but. this guy went out a lot. he never repeated an outfit. i think jess took advantage of a very drunk him. similarly, on another night out, jess promised to drive someone home. said person got too drunk and thew up. jess refused to take them home and called them embarrassing, she gave the space in her car to pete.

i had a major bad evening shift at work concerning another staff member, kaylee. a gal who just rubbed me up the wrong way, and who didn’t like me. ill never know why but it was just one of those things where anytime i was on shift w her she would nitpick and bitch about me and just… make me feel not v good. she was possibly the laziest and rudest person i had ever worked with but someone got away with it?

i used her as a way to talk to pete about the general problems in the store (jess). and…it was fuckin surreal. i told him abt kaylee. i told him i thought jess was controlling but kinda laid off a bit like ‘i get she thinks shes doing it for good’ etc. i padded it out w a few other rly petty issues abt the store. i was actually really upset, kinda numb from life to properly let out my emotions. and then. he started cry on me. like this full-on grown man having a panic attack in front of me when i was 19, fucked on diazepam i should have never been prescribed. to this day i visualise it. me and pete were v close at this point, and like, he didn’t mention jess too much – asked me about the other girl and other issues when i came to him. we spoke about personal shit, all but jess. i kinda wonder if he didn’t have the panic attack if i would have told him his under the radar relationship w her was not on?

and then. pete sold me out in the name of jess. idk the full ins and outta everything but he had to confront the drama once and for all cos our figures were so low so he decided to blame it all on kaylee. from my understanding of the situ from a lot of ‘he said she said’ bs, pete had this big meeting w kaylee. was like. 1. do ur job right and 2. stop being rude and unapproachable. the thing is, although kaylee is rude shes one of these ppl who most ppl really liked, not in a jess/regina george theyre scared of you way but…like they thought she was a tv character and she was funny and honest. so i think she confronted some obvious allies, and jess told her, according to another staff member, that i complained about her. after hearing this i obvious went to pete and tbh, acted pretty dramatic (cos if you haven’t fucking learned already THIS STORE WAS FULL OF DRAMA QUEENS). as soon as i heard, i started texting him angrily on his day off. i remember folding something in the fitting rooms and he came up to give me a hug and i was like ‘HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TELL OTHER PEOPLE MY BUSINESS’. i confronted jess, in a lighter tone, cos i obv told pete (half) what i felt about her. jess played the fucking innocent role. like, she said something along the lines of ‘we’re both close to pete n he was so worried that when me, you and kaylee did those shifts together that something would go wrong. so he told me to keep an eye on things and that’s all i told kaylee cos she wasn’t sure why she was being targeted when so many people in this store are treating people badly. i didn’t say you reported her or anything, honestly!!!!’ queue more bs.

after this, jess didn’t bother with me but was never explicit about hating me. if there was a convo going on and i tried to join in she scolded at me for being nosey. if i was unwell (i have cfs) shed moan ‘jokingly’ that i always had to be ill. i think she ripped on me once cos i said i was late for a hand-in at uni.

her next real victim, however, was jack, my best friend in store and our supervisor. jack was getting fucked over in his supervisor role bc pete would schedule jess for anything managerial. jess started a rumour that pete didn’t trust jack bc jack fucked it at a meeting w the other stores (semi true but fucking up a meeting isn’t the end of the world). like. anything jack would be, jess would be on him. by this point 50% of the staff that were around at the start of the story HAD LEFT. jess had driven people out and had the new ones all up her arse.

pete quit. it was sudden.

not long later, facebook popped up with a fuckin ‘pete is in a relationship with jess’ status and pete has never spoken to me again. i left shortly after that, although our new manager was lovely i felt like i was working for jess.

jack ended up GETTING DEMOTED, by petes replacement who had no idea what a shitstorm she was getting herself into. the new manager PROMOTED jess and demoted jack bc she was doing all the supervisor jobs whilst jack was only doing midshifts. he didnt get shafted to the lowest pay and was instead given the title ‘trainer and authorised opener/closer’ whilst still doing the same fucking job. he transferred out, cos that shit is fucking degrading and within, like two months he was put back up his rightful position. yay for my forever work bestie. I

feel like this has been going on for too long now. i think this doesn’t do her justice. like…i cant believe someone who is NOW 26 and who got what she wanted after manipulating a mentally ill man caused so much drama and pain and tension in a fucking clothes store.

fucking horrid. im reading this completely exhausted and so i cant say much but i just feel like these people are always the ones who come out on top, and its so fucked up. im really sorry you had to deal with so many unpleasant people, and your friend as well. 

i swear mediocrity and asskissing is what gets you anywhere in this world, and manipulative cunts like this jess woman take full advantage of that. it’s pretty scary, honestly. amazing how far drama can go, huh. this is why i have trust issues.

i still hope she gets her ass kicked by life, though. there has to be some sort of karmic justice somewhere

i also feel like i should say that there’s always going to be people who won’t like you for some reason. even if you don’t do anything wrong and even though everyone else thinks they’re great. no idea why this happens, but all i can say is there’s really nothing you can do. so FUCK EM (in the most metaphorical sense as they don’t deserve you giving them the time of day)

[deathofthetext]

What's your favorite metal gear game?

probably metal gear solid (1998)

i love solid snake so much and his establishing arc in that game is soooo good. its the game ive watched the most and probably the mgs game id most like to play in a world where i could play video games. also it introduces naomi who is like my favorite. say what you will about metal gear but it does not skimp on the amoral revenge-bent mad scientist ladies! naomi - grey fox - snake is one of my favorite like. drama triangles of people who knew each other in some way or another and are fucked up about it. its really good how much naomi and snake are both so so so upset abt grey fox to the extent that snake holed himself away in his alaskan depression cabin for five years not talking to anyone else and naomi dedicated herself entirely to Hopelessness And Snake Revenge. i just love her shes such a disaster! 

runner ups and why:

peace walker is the best looking mgs game and it has strangelove (like i said. amoral revenge-bent mad scientist ladies.) it also has kaz who is A Fave. its The Game Where Big Boss Decides To Become Evil and the way that arc is done is genuinely really good. that games main plot is emotionally about bb’s relationship with the boss. and the amount of bullshit it took for him to actually understand what she was trying to say when she died (EVEN THOUGH EVA ABSOLUTELY EXPLAINED IT). and then how once he figured out she was saying that like, nations and borders and soldiers and war were artificial constructs of power, and war is bad, he took it as a BETRAYAL and decided to DOUBLE DOWN ON BEING EVIL AND HOARD ALL THE NUKES. its really the fundamental moment of “no one had to do it” that establishes his Choice To Be A Villain and his like. ideology that we see in mg 1987 and and mg2ss from 1990. 

i really like the cast and their interactions in mgs2 and i think that game does a lot of interesting things, but its hard for me to say its “a favorite”. idk, ive watched it two or three times i think and every time i end up “liking it more” or at least “getting it more”. i love iroquois “definitely not solid snake” pliskin meeting raiden and immediately deciding to pack him a lunchbox of guns and cigarettes. i love fortune. i just really like raiden hes got the problems! and ofc snotacon are extremely peak honeymoon in that game. but. its not my favorite. ig like i ended up getting pretty invested in like... raiden and emma’s weird little friendship where theyre in retraumatization hell but theyre Supporting Each Other, and then immediately it had emma die for like... otacons sad monologue. and its a really good sad monologue and super fucks me up every time abt his horrible family and horrible life and how he made a new better life! its really good! but it super bums me out that emma died for it and didnt get to see this and experience it for herself and that the narrative frames her death to be just abt otacon sad. and its a symptom of a larger problem, like three of the four female characters in that game just die and like no matter how cool they are or how moving their death scenes are its like. i like mgs2 but there were ways to tell a good and interesting story without all of this. (also dont get me started on rosemary/raiden)

mgsv is genuinely horrible in most respects and is also not finished but it has a lot of interesting horrible concepts. i love kaz’s villain arc in it its really like. hoo boy this guy is not way good. i think i “got” that game a lot more when jordan said its really not a main arc metal gear game in the same way the others are because its like, more of a side story about the lives big boss destroyed, even of people who were on his side. once again, no one had to do it, and thats what big boss is all about. 

mg1 and mg2ss i dont feel like i know quite well enough to say theyre faves, although i have read scripts for each of them. i kind of end up combining mg1 and mg2ss in my head, basically bc mg1 is short enough i think of it as a prologue to mg2ss. i do actually have a lot of feelings abt the stuff that happens in mg2ss but i often find myself thinking of those events from the perspective of mgs1 instead? because of how fundamental they are to snavids trauma and his mindset and just the way he is at the start of that game. i also make a lot of jokes about kaz deciding to set big boss on fire because i think that was really valid of him.

ok and mgs4 is the game i think is ACTUALLY second place for me but i have only watched it once or maybe once and a half and i need to rewatch it. it for real made me cry about solid snake SO much. the thing is that all the stuff w old snake in that game punched me in the gut really good. and many of the other things in there were things that SHOULDVE done that but were framed really weirdly by the narrative and didnt end up causing me Enough emotional distress when i was actually watching it but ive spent like months thinking it over and talking it over w my friends and figuring out how i think they shouldve happened in order to really be narratively effective - i am especially talking about naomi stuff here. there were also a lot of times in mgs4 where i ended up pretty checked out from what was happening, especially when the b&b corps were on screen bc i found their treatment as like Sexy Crazy Baby Women was extremely offputting. but in the end i guess my extremely subjective experience of mgs4 is that i think its really good or at least the version of it that exists in my head is.