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#i dont think i could have lived with myself if i didnt do this ill be honest
nailgunstigmata · 1 year
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return of a friend <3
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puppyeared · 10 months
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people who do STEM or administration as a career full time and continue to do art as a hobby, I am scared of you but like in a hot way. youre like if we were allowed to have cold drinks in winter. i look at you and think of miles morales with his two cakes. do you want to make out sometime
#i say all of this positively bc i just! i cant help admiring it!! even if its mundane or not a big deal to you i seriously cant wrap my head#around it.. this is in no way at all meant to be condescending or anything. whenever i look at someones bio and theyre like oh im working#as a lab assistant biologist pharmacist realtor etc im like woag.... thats insane.. and then i peep your art tag and it knocks my socks of#how?? what lives do you lead??? im so curious. i seriously want a peek inside your brains someday. or at least shadow you at work lol#i cant help but feel sad when someone says smth like well i have to support myself and art cant do that for me. or maybe you were#pushed into pursuing a 'safe' career bc i hear it a lot. all of my relatives have the same story working as nurses and OFWs for the family#i think for me its not about missed potential but rather its being sad about making a decision to put your happiness aside to get by#ive tried so hard to do it but it didnt work out. i guess watching you guys do it is fascinating to me#or maybe youve made peace with your decision or actually like what you pursued but im still amazed!! it makes me wonder what made#you pick one over the other in that case.. is it like putting time for two different things the way you would for a schedule?? hmmm#im doing graphic design so i dont really interact with ppl in other faculties even humanities like sociology or childcare... so i cant help#wondering what it must be like as someone whos pursuing visual communication both as an interest and career#i seriously wish i could do smth like a desk job or even admin and maybe ill try that if this doesnt work. or i could look into trades#but dyscalculia already makes it hard to do things like cash and mental math so i get overwhelmed if i think about this too hard#yapping
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yelloworangesoda · 7 months
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gotta get off the internet and only interact irl with people who were 30 before they got their shit together i cant keep doing it like this
#like this being. feeling like i have no future and nobody likes me#‘youre only 19’ only goes so far when i dont know any other fail 19 year olds#im not gonna be a damn dentist for sure but like. and ive said this a thousand times. what am i gonna do. i cant live a worthless nothing#life where i work a shitty job i hate. i have to like something#i hate my art. i hate my lack of creativity. my art is so bland i just dont think its in me anymore#i finished. and i hate it#i have other hobbies. i like to cross stitch. i like to sew. i like to paint. i like to make dolls. do you see the common theme here#i have a few more than that i technically could do but i cant create anymore and it kills me. i want to. i constantly want to but i cant#it doesnt help that even if i havw ideas i dont even want to do them#i was gonna draw some characters from a game i played when i was little but i just#didnt want to. at no point did it not feel like a chore#ill try to go to new mediums! its fun to mess around and then itll feel boring again and going back doesnt feel any better#idk. googling it is useless. ive tried all the things. for years. ive been TRYING to draw consistently and like. doodles are fine theyre fu#but theyre not what i want to do i want to make something im proud of. i drew almost every single day for like 2 years#and its not burnout bc its been like. 2 more years! and ive barely wanted to at all!!!#i want to be creative and i also want people to recognize it. different complaint but it sucks so bad#i feel like nobody likes me. still. nobody cares about what i do. nobody would care if i stopped#like except me but i can only support myself so far!!!! im so tired of it!!!! someone PLEASE be here for me and just say ‘hey i love this#drawing :)’ like you have no idea what that would do for me#not always. but yknow especially if its been a while. if you like it. if you dont like it :( idk. you should tell me that too i guess#yknow so i can have some confirmation so i dont feel like im crazy. idk. dont actually id never go online again. i would probably. well.#i dont like to say the words#simons spouting#vent :(
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faaun · 2 years
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i feel conflicted abt my relationship...need advice etc . in tags . pls i need input sm
#i love my gf a lot and i think our relationship is doing rly good rn . i miss her a lot bc im in a diff country to her but ill see her#in a few weeks etc. anyway things are good....HOWERVER. i am worried abt . our future#like u are supposed to live in the moment and have fun and be young etc etc but this is like..the fact that its going well#is making me consider how our life paths would go tgth and if it would be fair to stay in a relationship u know wont work forever. like#this was one of the reasons why i felt hesitant at first etc. basically i swore to myself i would only date an academic or at least someone#who like. has. A Thing. that they are working towards that they are rly rly passionate abt. bc i thought it just wouldnt work out otherwise#and it seemed after a while of talking that she IS like that...shes applying for a graphic design degree and she seems to genuinely#love art etc so much and also she is amazing at it. HOWRVER...she hasnt drawn in a while#and is working a min wage job despite meaning to quit for ages...and as far as im aware#she still hasnt made a portfolio...etc etc. but im so confused bc like...shes great and ik she can do it i just dont#understand why she wont. she could also get an internship etc in the relevant field but i still dont get it...and its not my place to be#pushy abt it. like i already suggested these things and asked abt them but i dont want to ask any more bc like. its her choice#what she does w her life etc. but anyway its like...am i being pessimistic/impatient and everything is gonna#go well for her or do i hold genuine concerns. and if the latter/both potentially...is it unfair to be like#hey babe ik things are amazing rn but we have to reevaluate bc idk if in 10 yrs i would be happy w where we are#my friend was like. Break Up W Her from the beginning bc he thinks u shouldn't get into a relationship w smn whom you think will not also#elevate u in some way..and ur life paths dont align etc...but he is genuinely married to his academics like hes sworn off#love so i didnt rly listen bc hes rly extreme w his. love gets in the way of academics. etc#but also his point was valid i think? that you want the person u spend ur life w to elevate you. u want them to challenge you and make you#want to work harder and be better and achieve more and more...and i do want that and i have been trying to be that for them#but A) i can only be that to a reasonable extent for them before it starts being like nagging/being pushy and#B) i feel like if they end up going the way they are rn they can never be that for me. is that bad#like am i a horrible person for thinking this way. obviously i am not casting a moral judgement on her or anyone#for whatever path in life they choose to go down but also is it like...Silly to give up on a perfectly good#relationship bc ur like. as it stands i do not see you walking alongside me in 10 yrs etc#like im lich rally 20 . but what if it DOES end up going rly well and it DOES end up being thr case that we end up staying together#and then im like. feeling discouraged bc my partner in life is just not the kind of person i imagined being w when i was 19 or 20...#like in terms of careers etc. more importantly is this a discussion i should have w her . bc i literally do not know how to raise this#without sounding like a dick but is that bc i...am being a dick? is this a bad thing ?? is this thought not that of a good person ?#it sounds so WEIRD to be like hey babe either u have to start being more ambitious and insane abt ur art or i might break up w you. like :/
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toastsnaffler · 9 months
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my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/
#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man#i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks#and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig#even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them-#better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them#like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it#hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders#for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee#the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want#me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so!#anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too#its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh#we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its#kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way#im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily#cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction#its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things#for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a#want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them#and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎#i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay.#.vent
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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...
#i was supposed to spend the last 2 days prepping and relaxing for the start of this big project tomorrow#but ive spent thr last 2 days frantically coding as fast as i could and focusing v hard to get a lot of bullshit done#and ive fixed things since yesterday. the changes i had to make were too too bad bc the thing that went wrong was so fucking weird#but it should be okay by tomorrow. knock on wood. but this does mean ive done fuck all to prep for tomorrow#so we r winging it bby. ugh. just gotta fucking pray that everything goes ok. pls let nothing b broken and let everything seal properly 🙏#i was also supposed to meet with my boss today. probably for her to make sure i dont fuck up this project but apparently their safety hood#was having an emergency... whatever that means. so im sure shes having a week as well. and im free to fuck everything up for everyone#ugh. im so. theres a certain point in burning out where youre not really in pain anymore. you dont really feel anything all your joy and#hope dissolves away and u just exist to be useful. and i feel like its easier to maintain that than trying to b happy#i do not advise that bc its a fucking miserable. wasteful way to live but i dont really have time to try for anything better#god. i really hope my measurements friday dont take a full 8hrs. i dont know if i can handle that. literally i would have stay intensely#focused with my brain being Interrupted every 5min so i can manually record data points. its gonna b agony#so that fun. but maybe it wont. maybe itll be great and fun and ill have a wonderful time. seems unlikely but ya never kno#lets not think abt the fact that having to rush all this is preventing me from being able to do all thr other bullshit i need to get done#to prepare for the future. future? what future? hard to imagine from the bottom of this pit im digging myself#sigh. in a few months i can leave this place and never come back. soon but not soon enough#lol i was literally crying listening to cold play earlier bc idk thats the type of music my parents would put on at parties in summertime#so it evokes a v specific mood. which is i guess me hiding away from ppl at parties haha#back when i didnt have to worry abt things so much and i could just listen to the frogs chirping and watch the fireflies#oh god. now my boss is asking if i reached out for help tomorrow. no. lady i would rather drink bleach than have to direct an undergrad#tomorrow. its 10pm im fucking tired. just let me be sad. did i reach our for help? no my brain is on fire#tomorrow is gonna b a long day ugh#unrelated
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tkbrokkoli · 7 months
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wanted to write smth abt top surgery ⬇️
#not fandom related#personal log stardate#trans stuff#ok so ive been wanting top surgery longer than ive wanted to go on T. my chest makes me the most dysphoric and if it wasnt so hard to acces#top surgery i wouldve gotten it long ago lol#so the hardest for me is the many steps that are involved. finding and contacting a surgeon. getting there for a 1st appointment#for the sugery for getting the stitches out. getting Surgery in general and its risks. staying at a hospital which is not my#Routine environment. possible pain itching restriction in movement complications. the results might no be as expected#just a lot of steps involved that require me to step out of my comfort zone and stay out of it for a longer time as well.#but what are a few weeks of discomfort compared to a chesticle free rest of my life right. so i def Want it#but. there are like 3 decent top surgeons that have a lot of experience in my country that i know of. id have to travel at least 4 hrs#or longer and ive never driven my car for that long and im too scared to take the train/bus by myself and i dont think i could make myself#do it. like. if it didnt involve all that other scary stuff i might manage to try taking a train by myself. but just the train. nothing els#i just cant tackle several things that are difficult and uncomfortable at the same time.#ive read that a few ppl have gotten top surgery in the city i live#ive taken the bus and tram here. no problem. this would be perfect#only problem is there are almost no reviews on those surgeons. there seem to be at least 2 thatve done top surgery. idk who the 'main'#surgeon is. ive seen like 4 result pictures that ppl have posted. ive talked to 1 person whose currently 3 mo post-op but said they#might get a revision done if the results wont look better in a few months. the surgeons themselves dont mention top surgery on their websit#one mentions doing surgery for gynecomastia so this is probably the one ill contact first#basically there is barely any information available. if it comes down the surgeons might not even have done many top surgeries#so my results might not look good. i dont necessarily need it to be perfect. i just want my chest flat. i dont plan on being shirtless#except for doctors appointments and sex if ill ever have any. its unlikely ill go swimming in public and there i would probably wear a#rash guard anyway to protect myself from the uv rays. so my priority is a chest that looks flat underneath clothes. and if it looks like#shit i can get a revision if i want to . i think im gonna contact the surgeons here and prepare a list of questions for the appointment#i feel like i can take these steps. but i cant take them w the far-away surgeons. im gonna talk to my therapist abt this as well. maybe the#have some information on the surgeons here. i also contacted the local queer organization but i havent heard back yet :/
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floorpancakes · 1 year
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i wish i was a cat so my flaws were still cute and adorable and i was worthy of recieving love attention and raising back to health and my brain was small enough that the discomfort and fear would give way to simple things like enjoying a little treat and looking good for photos and being loved and held and stuff
#i forgot what feeling 'normal' without pain felt like so long ago its hard to remember remembering#i guess i enjoy a little treat but i cant think of a time in almost five years ive ever felt free#i wish i could be loved in a mutually beneficial way that didnt hurt#i would make a really good cat i swear#i dont know#if i was a cat that was loved and gently healed back to health and treasured and only had to worry about churu id be ok#it sounds so cheesy wanting to be treasured cause i just dont associate that with me#even with my family my closest friends ill never be anyones special person#i shouldnt have thought about this on tumblr cause everyones just gonna immediately think about watanuki arent they#i would write a mean vent fic or two if i could being myself to be focused enough to write it#its difficult these days#dont reblog please not trying to be the fun police im just going through some really bad stuff right now#ill delete later#i need rest but it isnt coming to me and it wont really do me much good#when cats get sick and fat and their teeth mess up and their skin goes all sore and they lose their hair and they get wrinkly and in pain#everyone still finds them just like any other cat#all cats are beautiful and perfect#standards for humans are different and so is living in your own skin when it is hostile and unfamiliar and it hurts and warps your mind#its a cruel and unusual punishment and a cat would just walk it off#cats are worthy of love and i am neither worthy nor able to take it
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tinylittlebab · 2 years
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hmm.
#ack. i wanna but a scale so bad but idk how much money i have rn#well at least since im restricting again ill have more money since i dont spend it all on food#wish i could get a job but id have to walk to it and i cant in the weather so im gonna wait till spring or summer#might wait till i turn 18 bc ill have way more options so i might aswell. its only like 2 months off from when i could even get one at all#hmmm. ill have to ask my mom to tell me how much is on my card bc i cant check it myself. im kinda regretting letting my sister not pay me#back immediately for $30 bc then i could buy a scale rn but she doesnt have much rn so whatever#going another month without a scale wont kill me. for the majority of the time before i recoved it didnt have a scale so whatever#but i remember feeling so awful not even knowing if the pain i put myself through did anything so idk if its worth that#i fall ever enough as is with my pots so idk if i wanna add starvation to tye mix when i cant even see the numbers drop#well. ill find out how much i have today and if i have a fair bit then ill buy one soon but if not then ill just cry ig#idk. i feel stupid for relapsing. i KNOW.it feels terrible and i dont even care much about getting skinny. i just miss starving myself#its not about getting skinny its just about seeing the number go down and hurting myself and i know it doesnt actually feel good but like#idk. my life has felt chaotic and out of control recently and i need something to hold on to even if it kills me#i dont even wanna die anymore either. i used to but now i dont. i have life plans that i wanna pursue. im not stuck in a moldy house with#people who abuse me. i live with my only friend in a place where i can actually go places. not many places but theres at least something#idk. i think itd be easier to be ok if i had other friends but i just have my sister. i dont even know how or where you meet people#everything i read either says scool for minors or bars for adults which is useless to me. the only others things are things not around me#idk. i guess ill have to get a car eventually and when i do that then i can go places. i feel so bleh lately#i just. i wanna be sickly and skinny. not bc i think im ugly but bc i wanna be sick. i dont dislike my appearance. im relatively thin#not that it matters bc theres nothing wrong with being fat but like. idk. i used to hate my appearance so much but i dont now#so it feels so weird that im relapsing anyway#idk
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yunppeo · 1 month
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was it so casual to you?
pairing: choi yeonjun x reader.
warnings: none…? its a bit suggestive but youll live, uhh, angst angst
word count: 1.0k :p
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NOW PLAYING: casual by chappell roan🎵
a casual night out for you consists of being with yeonjun.
someone you dont want to keep seeing but you always find yourself driving over to his place, sometimes even in the car with him as he picked u up.
and here u are, strapping your bra back on in the backseat of his car.
his hands remaining on your body, not going anywhere. you were used to his warm touch, but sometimes it felt different. like today, something felt.. off.
he seems to take note of your odd expression and spoke up.
“whats up..?” he sits up, getting closer to your face as he tucks your hair behind your ear.
“nothing.” he stares into your eyes for a moment, as if he knows youre lying.
“okay.” he kisses your cheek. normally this would make u happy, you would smile brightly but after finding out what hes been saying… you werent so happy anymore.
you bit your lip to contain yourself from saying anything else.
it was quiet the ride back to the dorms, you both felt the awkwardness albeit still didnt speak up. the only noise you found comfort in was the rain. you looked out the window admiring the falling rain.
he stops in front of your dorm building. you dreaded the idea of walking into your dorm after hanging out with him, knowing your roommate will be disappointed.
all of your friends have told you how much he was a bad guy. you didnt listen.
you clear your throat and open the car door, hesitating to look at him. “ill see you later.”
he wanted to tell you something but you had already closed the door and gone to walk inside.
“y/n.” your roommate greets you as you walk into your dorm and lay against the closed door.
“i hate myself for letting this drag on for so long.” your voice starts to quiver as tears start to fall. you slid down the door as hugged your legs.
your roommate immediately goes to comfort you.
“its hard being casual.”
your roommate pats your back, hugs you, does anything to comfort you. she makes you stand up and sit on the bed. she wipes your tears before going to her phone to text all of your other friends.
“im convinced he put you under a spell or something.” she laughs awkwardly trying to lighten the mood.
you stay quiet before the door slams open.
“y/n. are you okay? did he say thing to hurt you? ill set his dorm on fire i dont care.” your friend, hanni, immediately goes up to you.
“im fine, hanni.”
“thats bs girl.” she sighs as she examines you as if you were sick. “its gonna be okay.”
“y/n, i know youre gonna hate me for saying this but you need to talk to him.” danielle chines in, she looks at you with empathy.
“ill think about it.”
-
“y/n!” yeonjun calls out. its been a week since u last saw him. you ignored him hoping he would take the hint.
he didnt.
he ran and stood in front of you to stop you from walking. “you havent been answering my texts.. or calls.. are you ignoring me..?”
you sigh, trying to look for a way out of this conversation.
“lets talk about it later.”
“talk about what?” there was silence. “y/n?..”
“later, yeonjun.” you walk off, looking at people whispering about your interaction with yeonjun just now.
-
as you were walking to your dorm you noticed him standing right infront of your door. you wished you could have turned around and left. but you knew you couldnt avoid this any longer.
“y/n!” his face lights up a bit. making your heart clench.
you dont reply and just open the door to your dorm. you knew your roommates werent going to be there for anytime soon. it was the perfect time.. to talk.
you silently invited him in and he obliged.
the moment he closed the door, his hands went straight to your waist, leaving kisses on your neck.
“no, yeonjun.” you politely shove him off you.
“whats up with you!?”
“whats up with me?! me?!?” you scoff stare at him, shaking your head.
“you said no attachment, yeonjun. why are we doing this?” you look him in the eye, waiting for a response.
“y/n.. i..”
“what, yeonjun? am i not ‘just a girl you bang on your couch’? hm?” his eyebrows furrow. he didnt know you had found out about the things he was saying.
“say something, yeonjun.”
“im sorry.”
“thats all you have to say?” you scoff. taking deep breaths. “after you told me ‘we’re not together.’ what were we then? friends with benefits? what?”
he stayed there silent. he didnt know what to say.
“i hate you, yeonjun.”
“y/n wait.. hear me out.”
“no?! why should i? you kept acting like we were dating, but then you go on dates with other girls? kissing them, buying them gifts…”
he lips his lips. he had been caught.
“we’ve been doing this for how long, yeonjun..? ive met your family.. your friends.. all for nothing.”
“but i do like you, y/n..”
“clearly not enough.”
there was more slience.
“was it so casual to you..?”
“it wasnt! no trust me, y/n.”
“stop lying, yeonjun. i know everything.” you finally had enough of him.
“just go, yeonjun. dont ever contact me ever again. i dont want to see you ever again. get out.”
“wait y/n please.” he pleads.
“get out.” tears start flowing, yeonjun felt the need to hold you close to comfort you but he knew you wouldnt want that. from him atleast.
he took one last good look at you. taking in all your beautiful features. before walking out never speaking to u ever again.
it was.
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AITA for not saying please/thank you?
So this is an ongoing argument with my roommate. I (22nb) am autistic, and T (55f) has ADHD.
Now to get this out of the way, i do say thank you. I was always taught to wait a moment after receiving something, take a bite or appreciate what you were given for a breath, before thanking someone so that you could add something more to it. My roommate and I both agree that i do say thank you the vast majority of the time, but the problem for her is that i do not say it fast enough.
T often gives me a "tHaNk yOu" while the item in question is still being passed. This seems ridiculous to me as i haven't even been fully given it yet.
In addition, i have the dishes as my household chore, and i do them daily, despite almost never making any dishes myself. I do this to both support T and her diet, as well as contribute to the household that i live in.
T thanks me near daily for doing the dishes. This always seems weird and unnecessary to me, as it is my responsibility. I have told her this. I dont expect to be thanked for doing my own laundry, after all. In return, T gets upset that i dont notice and thank her for taking out the garbage/recycling/compost, to which she is the main contributor to and is under her responsibilities.
As for please: i do say this much more rarely. I think it feels overly preformative and fake, and i typical choose more "would you mind closing my door for me" "if its not too much of a hassle, could you toss me my waterbottle" "id appreciate it if you could preheat the oven while you're in the kitchen"
I think that these work perfectly fine as a replacement. Please just has always felt wrong and fake. No one else in my entire life has ever commented on this before.
Thirdly; T has been upset that i don't respond to her apologies appropriately. After she is snappy at me (due to her emotional disregulation from ADHD) (last time it was because i asked if she was using the oven instead of asking if i could use the oven myself, for reference) there is a 50/50 shot that she will come and apologize.
I dont often accept apologies. Apologies are for the person saying them to get it off their chests, or to make you put it behind them. Usually, ill say something like "it was just one of those days, y'know?" Or "its alright, water under the bridge"
Because i was always taught that apologies came with a promise of change, and T can't (or won't) change how she re-directs her frustration at unrelated things to things ive done "wrong". When she told me the correct response was "i forgive you", i decided to not engage instead of telling her directly that i didnt forgive her (because i am certain she will do it again). (I usually dont engage with her when shes irritated: she never notices and just wants to say her piece so im not being rude here)
She said that i was being disrespectful, "like always", and when i suggested it may be more difficult for me due to my autism, she said that we made plenty of accommodations for me (which i think is false), and that i just needed to do this for her comfort. That please/thank yous were something she needed to feel appreciated and i should be making more accommodations for her.
To me, i feel like she is getting really caught up on semantics and is being a little controlling about it. But maybe its just a boundary? I dont know if i could commit to changing my language for her though, i feel like i will just start forgetting after awhile because it feels so fake. Shouldn't it be better for me to say things genuinely than just for her approval?
AITA for not saying please/thank you?
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billluver0124 · 3 months
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"Even My Bones"
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synopsis: bill falls inlove with y/n after meeting her at a gas station, a month later; after a moment of passion something is revealed about her.
WARNINGS: cannibalism, blood, makeout scene
authors note: this story is inspired by the movie 'bones and all', i immediately thought of a plot after watching the movie. but this story does get gorey, so please scroll of you are uncomfortable reading. thank you to @rottinglilys for helping me with this story<3 enjoy my lovies, mwah!
BILLS POV: it was like yesterday when i met her. i was at a gas station, my brother tom waiting in the car as i bought myself a pack of skittles and a pack of cigarettes. then there she was, the love of my life; i didnt know it then but i know it so much now. she looked different then other girls, her eyes were as big and doey as a deer, her smile was as bright as the sun. there was something unique about her, she was almost inhuman-like, but so beautiful. i caught myself watching her every move as she walked around the station..
Y/NS POV:
i walked into the gas station, using the amount of money i had left to get myself some snacks and water for the journey that was to come. "that'll be 13.74 please" the cashier told me, i gave him fifteen bucks and he gave me the remaining change, and the stuff i bought of course. i thanked him, before catching a glimpse at the boy who was staring at me the entire time; and leaving to continue my walk. (the rest of the story is now in third person !)
bill mentally slapped himself for not talking to her at the gas station, but he shook it off as he walked back to the car, continuing his drive with tom back home. "why do you look so gloomy?" tom asked, with small concern. "nothing, im just tired" bill replied, giving tom a small smile as he continued to drive him and tom.
after bill dropped tom off at his house, he now drove the route to his house. when he saw her again, walking on the road all by herself, with nothing but a backpack. "hey!" he shouted, catching her attention. "are you okay miss?" "uhh yea, im okay" she replied, not very sure about her answer "well, why are you walking alone? its late and its not safe at this hour" bill asked, concerned for her well being. y/n looked around the area, the boy was right, it did look pretty dangerous out here in the dark "w-well, d-do you think you could gimme a ride?" y/n asked, slightly nervous about her surroundings. "yea, come in" bill opened the passenger side door for her, allowing her to come in. she puts on her seat belt as they continued the drive. "you live around here?" bill asked, y/n looking at him for a small moment before answering "actually i dont, im not from here" "where were you gonna stay?" bill asked, curiousity filled his senses. "i was just gonna sleep at a bus stop" she said nonchalantly, bill turned to look at her once again, wide eyed "are you crazy? nonsense, you can stay with me at my place!" "n-no, you dont have to-" "i insist, no pretty girl like you should stay alone like that" bill immediately blushed after he realized what he called her, y/n blushing to herself as she took the compliment. after a small moment she spoke..
"im y/n" she looked to him as she spoke, bill replying soon after "im bill, its a pleasure to meet you" y/n softly smiled. sitting in a soft and peaceful silence the rest of the drive home. they finally reached his house, bill leads her inside, helping her take off her beat up sage green converse and hanging her backpack on a hanger. "you can sleep in my room if youd like, i dont mind sleeping on the couch" "no, its your house, ill sleep on the couch" y/n insisted, not willing to negotiate anything else. and thats what happened, y/n slept on the couch...for most of the night. bill wakes up to the sound of y/n panicking, he rushes out of the room and holds her in his arms "you're okay, everything's okay" he soothes her as she cried in his arms, after she calms down a bit she speaks "i-i had a nightmare.." bill softly smiled at her, even in such a panicked state; she was still so beautiful to him "do you wanna come sleep with me in my room?" "i-is that okay with you?" she asked, bill smiled even more "its more than okay with me" bill takes her to his bed, holding her in his arms as they both slept. he knows he shouldnt move this fast with her, he didn't even know her for gods sake! but something about her was so, addicting. A month goes by, bill and y/n began to know more about each other, both sharing their feelings in the process, sharing a few intimate nights with each other too. bill knew she was the one, the missing puzzle piece in his life, the filling of the void he had for so long. bill knew it was always her. and y/n felt the exact same. they loved each other.
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bill held her waist as he kissed her neck, hearing her sweet moans for him. he smirks, going back up to her lips; their tongues dancing with each other in one anothers mouths. y/n had her hands in dreads, melting in his addicting touch. "god i love you so much" bill groaned, "i love you too" y/n moans back.
then all of a sudden, y/n had this violent urge of hunger, her skin began to crawl as she drooled for bill. she needed to feed. she goes down to his neck, mumbling an 'im so sorry' before sinking her teeth in bills neck. bill yells in pain as a response.
BILLS POV: "liebe! stop, i-its me!" i cried, trying to push her off but she was too strong. i felt another wave of pure agony as i watched her dig her nails into the flesh on my chest, feeding it into her mouth, another scream of pain as my response. but after a moment, something made me accept this. it was her beauty, she was literally ripping me apart and eating me. but even with my blood all over her...still, she looked so beautiful. "i love you y/n" those were my last words, the last things i needed to say as i watched her, tear me apart piece by piece. consuming my existence, eating my entire body... even my bones. Y/NS POV: after i ate him, i snapped out of my trance and realized what i just did. i just killed...and ate the love of my life. he was my everything, my soulmate. and i just ripped him apart and consumed him so selfishly. what is wrong with me?, there was nothing but a pool of blood and his hair, his beautiful black hair with white dreads, that was the only thing i had for memory of him. i got up to go to the bathroom, catching my reflection in the mirror. i looked so disgusting, his blood was all over me, there were pieces of him stuck in my teeth. all i could do now, was cry. i felt myself falling to my knees, screaming out all my regret in cries, why did i have to be like this? and out of all people... why did it have to be bill?
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leynaeithnea · 25 days
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I didnt get an ask for this BUT WE'RE BACK
my Wisdom saga reaction/analysis!!!!!
26. Legendary
TELEMACHUS MY BOYYYY
THE MELODY AT THE BEGINNING OF LEGENDARY IS SO COOL
the instruments aaah, lowkey obssessed
"its jus tme myself and i" perimedes would like u
"living in this world you left behind".........this song makes oyu think so much about what life has been in Ithica in those years since Odysseus had to leave, he was loved, he is *King*, AH
"dreaming of all these monster, that ill never to get to fight" better this way, u dont wanna end up like your daddy
"but boy i wish i could so i could bring the world some light" BABY BOY
"Cause I'm stuck with your stories, but no clue who you are And no idea if you're dead or just too far" his mother wouldve told him so many stories :aniTears:
"Somebody tell me, come and give me a sign if I fight those monsters, is it you I'll find?" PLS HE jusT WANTS TO FIND HIS DAD GIVE THIS MAN HIS FATHER
"If so, then give me sirens and a cyclops Give me giants and a hydra" hes just naming every monster he can think of of the myths he grew up with
"I know life and fate are scary but I wanna be legendary" U GO BOY; I LOVE YOU, also such a mood
"I'll fight the harpies and chimeras, the Minotaur, even Cerberus I know life and fate are scary but I wanna be l-l-l-l-legendary"....yea same like the two parts before, any monster he can think of, he gotta be one of us kids who read a lot
THEN The droppp in his voice, HE SOUNDS SO SCARED
"There are strangers in our halls" That must be TERRIFYING, just imagine that, dozens of men in your home just prying on your mother and youre too young to do anything rly
"Trying to win the heart of my mom, but she is standing tall" THAT VOCAL PERFORMANCE, W FOR PENELOPE; GIRLBOSS
"108 old faces of men who call me small" EW; 108 IS SO MANY BRO; SO MANY????? Also "old faces" ISJGSEIGJ "who call me small" boy, i feel so bad for you
"They keep taking space and it's not much longer we can stall" !!!! HES WORKING WITH HIS MOTHER TRYING TO HOLD THEM OFF; AH AAAAH, also fuck them, leave their home alone, god he must feel so unsafe in his own home :screams:
"'Cause they're getting impatient, dangerous too" oh no :( so scared lil boy
"And I would fight them if I was half as strong as you" HE LOOKS UP TO HIM SO MUCH AH
"Somebody help me, come and give me the strength Can I do whatever it takes to keep my mom safe?" HES ALSO A MOMMY BOY; AND HONESTLY GOOD FOR HIM; STAND BY HER SIDE; U GO BOY, 🥹
Chrous SLAPs
"Where is he? Where is the man who'll have you to wife? " bitch stay away (also cut song reference!)
"Where is he? Where is the man with whom you'll spend your life?" HE IS ON His WAY HOme SO STAY THE FUCK AWAYYYYYYYY ARGG ILL FIGHT U
"Cause it's been 20 years, 20 years" 20 FUCKING YEARS??? THATS AS OLD AS I AM (and telemachus for that measure, same age, yay!) BUT BRO IMAGINE WAITING FOR YOUR HUSBAND TO COME HOME FOR 20 YEARS; PENELOPE X ODY OTP; PENELOPE FIGHTING OFF 108 SUITORS FOR 20 YEARS AND ODY FIGHTING OF *GODS* Trying TO TRAP AND USE AND KEEP HIM, THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER
"And we still have no king" >:) >:) imagine an island without leader for 20 years oh boy h boy, the power vacuum, 108 people who want to take his place
"Give me a chance, a single opportunity and I'll overcome these obstacles and scrutiny and-" HE WANTS TO SO BADLY he juST DOESNT KNOW HOW AND WHEre TO START BC AH, also the music sounds like he just tries to sneak around his palace, to not get caught by the suitors, dodging and on guard, i can just imagine him ducking his head and looking at every corner for smth danger-
"Boy".......that slapped hard, FUCK YOU ANTINOUS (hi perimedes :) )
"When's your tramp of a mother gonna choose a new husband?" FUCK YOU STAY AWAY (the dELIVERY)
"OoooOOoh" we have a new choir! the crew is ded but we have the suitors now hah, ill take it, love me some choir responses
"Why don't you open her room so we can have fun with her?" THE AUDACITY? WHORE FUCKING BASTARD STAY THE FUCK AWAY
"Dont you dare, call my mother a tramp" U GO BOY; TELL HIM (be careful, dont get hurt) THE VOCAL DELIVERY OF THAT LINE IS SO gOOD
"OoooOOoh" chiorr
" I just did, Whatchu gonna do about it, champ?" FUCK OFF ANTINOUS, DONT BE SO SMUG FUCK U
"Somebody tell me, Come and give me a sign, If I fight this monster, Is it you I'll find?" u desrve your dad so much, he'll come home, promise...promise....hold on, be stronk, u got this boy, also "this monster" its none from your stories, no this is real, its worse its right infront of you AH
Sorry for the swearing :") AH I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH, ONE OF MY FAVS FOR SURE (...we'll come back after recency bias but i dont think itll change)
EDIT: DANGER MOTIF WHEN ANTINOUNS JOINS IN!!!!! (are there more? im new to this PLS TELL ME)
@lorethebookworm
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toastsnaffler · 4 months
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ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(
#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of#last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year#but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!#and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going#i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year#i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre-#not rly my thing. sigh#im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is#so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that#i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up#and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm#man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it#and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps#like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real#and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn#ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it#and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments..#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually#but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm#ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by#ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit#ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway#okay yes shower time now :-)#.diaries#maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then
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tea-and-secrets · 2 months
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would it be ok to ask that this one is posted soon? i could use reassurance about it if thats alright? things are just... really hard.
im trying to come to terms with the fact that im going to be disabled for the rest of my life. i accept that im disabled *now,* but i have a degenerative disease, its not going to just stop being there. its going to keep getting worse slowly over time.
its especially hard because... even now i cant do my favorite hobby, rockhounding, because i cant bend without risking falling, i cant get on the ground to pick things up and/or dig because i wouldnt be able to get up on my own, and i cant navigate most off-road areas where the rocks im interested in are most often found.
i also desperately want to be a geologist. but i wanted more than anything to be doing fieldwork, like going out and taking samples from various areas, making maps of what could be found where based on my samples... that sort of thing. but ill never be able to do it and i have to come to terms with that.
it will get bad enough that i will need a wheelchair at some point in my life too. like, at some point within the next five to ten years.
ill also never be able to pick people up again. my whole life ive prided myself in picking people i love up during hugs, spinning them around, that sort of thing. i especially loved picking up my best friend.
they understand that i cant do that anymore and theyve never expressed sadness over it, but i cant help but think about how delighted theyve always been about me picking them up and spinning or wiggling them during hugs, and how they used to ask multiple times each hangout to be picked up and hugged.
and even if they arent upset about it, *i* am. i want to be able to do what i used to be able to. but i cant. and i never will again.
its just hard, knowing ill never be able to reach my dream career, continue my favorite outdoor hobby, continue giving love to my friends in the ways i like to... theres so much i can no longer do, and so much ill never be able to do again.
its just really hard. i dont want to be this way. but i am and i always will be, and it will get worse even if i do things like meds and physical therapy. those would just delay the collapse of my disease.
im just sad. i dont want to have to come to terms with it. but i have to or else im setting myself up for even more grief.
and its all because my mom wouldnt get me treated when i was injured in my teenage years. that injury going untreated for so long is what caused my degenerative disease to start so early. my mom has it too but she didnt start developing it until her fourties.
and then for years after my injury when talking about my back pain she just kept saying it was because im fat and that it would stop hurting if i lost weight.
which of course sparked the eating disorder i had previously recovered from.
which ive been struggling with now again for years because of that. but i was getting better again.
until now. because my body hurts too bad to get out of bed often enough to eat a healthy amount so im rapidly losing weight and my brain is saying i have to keep going and going.
and, the wheelchair thing... all my friends live and are going to live places with a lot of stairs. and *i* live somewhere with a lot of stairs too. and the doorframes in all these places arent wide enough for a wheelchair, nor are the bathrooms large enough.
its just all so hard to think about. i hate it. i want to get better and heal like a normal person would, not be in pain constantly and get worse like my body is going to.
thank you for listening. sorry for how long this is.
if i could get reassurance in tags or replies that would be really nice. this is all just so hard and i only have a few people i can confide in about it.
<3
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aachria · 1 month
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I am so unbelievably nervous for this chapter pooks you dont even know it andthe title sure doesn't sound very promising at all
Writing as im reading once again but I noticed how long my chapter commentary has been gwtting so I'll tryyyy to Tone It Down but i make no promises. The length of my commentary is only dictated by how absolutely crazy you decide to make this chapter.
Ace and Sabo giving ed a shovel talk is everything ive wanted since the marriage i beg you to let ace live long enough to get mad at ed for not telling him pretty please 😭🙏
Oooh the gift for Sabo i was gonna send an ask abt it since ive been rereading the fic this weekend but i figured you wouldn't forget it
LUFFY AND SABO INTERACT8ONS 😤🦅😭😤🦅😭😤😭🦅😤😭🦅😭😤😭🦅😭🦅😭🦅🙏🙏🗣🗣🗣‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
Im very much unready to read the strawhats be separated i have cried too many times reading this fic and im certain this will be the worst to date
STOP 😭 ed's jst going on abt keeping the crew safe and i can feel the tears coming
HOLD ON if ed is in fact staying with luffy, thing i should've guessed from last chapter, does that m3an they're meeting boa? Omg. I am suddenly so much more excited for the next set of chapters, thing that i did not think was possible.
Once again i ask myself when the fuck ed learned gymnastics 😭
Not the "i definitely did that on purpose" after they slam into a fucking building like sure you did 🤨 and i definitely believe you 🤨
"Its as straight as you can get" made me crack up
I will be so completely honest with you i have no idea what the fuck is going on like a good 40% of fights but thats jst because i have trouble translating the moves into a movie in my head
"Adam Sandler? What are you doing here? And in a bright yellow pinstripe suit sounding stoned out of his damn mind, too." I had not expected to laugh this much in this chapter i was fr bracing myself to cry. 🧍‍♀️. Now that i think abt it you might just be lowering our guard so that it hits harder 🤨
AND ED'S SAVIOR COMPLEX HITS AGAIN WITH BLAMING THEMSELVES ONCE MORE !!!
so. Luffy and Ed separation. I cant bring myself to be sad this shit was written so well 😭 just "wait for me" and "ill always find you" ugh just throw an "unquestionably" in there and id cry there could be one every chapter and id still cry every single time
Im so fucking excited for ed to meet coin hopefully next chapter 🤭
Amazing chapter as always!! Surprisingly didnt cry!! Thank you!! I cannot fucking wait for the Wednesday chapter
I pulled out the Rio Romeo you KNOW it was gonna be a rough one.
Tfw you're tying to give your baby brother's S/O the shovel talk but you're also stuck in the scaffolding at your own execution and your baby brother's S/O is also your friend who you have cried about your self worth and daddy issues to.
That fucking black book plot bunny has been hopping around FAR TOO LONG, so I had to take it out back and shoot it and by that I mean finally deliver it to it's intended recipient.
Mmmmmmm Boa
Look Ed had gymnastics beamed directly into their head by GOD does that make sense?
When I write combat I do it 70% for the vibes 20% for the quips and humor and 10% for the actual fighting. If you have no idea what is happening you and I are on the same page.
Ed got them self worth issues in them where the dog should be 💪💪💪
God I cannot wait for Coin & Ed content. Love those two.
I am so proud of you for not crying. I cried writing it. That baby was cooked with TEARS.
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