#things goes on i am tired

[heybabybird]

i absolutely can not post this anywhere else because my brother follows me on twt and ig but the ao3 writer curse finally descended on me but i just needed to tell somebody before i start going crazy lmao

if you are reading this there's 5 points you should be aware off:

the men in this family and extended family doesn't do shit

mother is single handedly raising 2.5 household

i can't move out i have been assigned the pseudo-caretaker role

i'm sick, i haven't been getting help, i don't have time

i'm fine

honestly i don't even know where to start except my home life is a MESS but anyway my uncle's(who i never really know but is my mom's few remaining relatives) on his death bed and even though it's lunar new year the whole week have just been funeral planning. it's depressing. also we just pre-bought an urn i didn't know they're /that/ expensive what the heck

i alsooo maybe perhaps have the only daughter in an asian household forced to be the pseudo-caretaker curse! yay! anyway i am guilted to not being able to move out or go very far because i'm always needed on 'stand by' in case anything happens. i work a business(two actually; family's food business, my own business and some times odd jobs here and there. i'm tired) and my salary?

"oh don't spend it, the family's in a Situation, you better have money on hand just in case(we need to pay for anything)! :("

my uncle have no one(mom and her siblings are adopted, majority passed away during covid) so we are the ones paying his hospital and funeral bills. mom is frantic and visiting him daily while waking up at 4-5am to start the business(we have NO employees, just me and mom. she doesn't want to hire anyone)

my mom's tired. i'm tired. for very different reason.

also last year? found out i have a rare blood disease! :) i'm sick too, very! but i can not afford the time to get checked up! i've been missing my appointments since year June :( i also haven't taken my antidepressants since April :(

that aside, i 100% understand why my mom is Like That, but it's very mentally exhausting for me, a grown adult teenager, to be obligated to throw away my entire life just because I have to take care of family that i barely know. i barely have any hobbies or life goals anymore! i wanted to move out so bad! but my mom would overwork herself if i'm away.

my thoughts are all over the place i'm aware i sound like an asshole but please please keep in mind while my heart aches with loosing family i'm also going crazy and i barely know this uncle(he just... pops up suddenly, but i UNDERSTAND, he's important to my mom)

also my dad's verbally abusive and controlling and downright exploding with anger issues @ mom sigh he throws tantrums a lot

i'm doing my best but i'm so tired. i missed hanging out with my mom. i haven't since i was 15. since dad stopped working and she throw away her life to raise us. now i'm earning and i can't even spend it on her and it makes me so depressed. she barely have any personal belongings because she doesn't spend on herself! and it's lunar new year(still is). but we haven't celebrated in so so long. every year i do the cooking and it's the one time of the year everyone's home and i put my entire heart into making a meal but... you know, it doesn't matter i am going to lie down for a bit thank you for reading if you got this far sdfsgdfg

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[sadsongsandwaltzes]

I am not a psychologist so I have no clue if this is just my own crackpot theory or what. And my apologies if I’m speaking out of my ass here.

We were not made for a fallen world. We were made for Eden. Since we have to live in this world corrupted by sin, the brain does what it has to in order to survive.

A toddler doesn’t know what “hot” means, until one day you warn the child not to touch a plate because it’s “hot,” they touch anyways, they feel the sting, and now they understand what “hot” means. The brain, now acknowledging this is something that can be a threat, has an immediate response to “hot.” Anytime someone says “hot,” we immediately recoil and make sure we don’t touch whatever is believed to be hot. The brain is simply trying to survive.

I think there’s a similar thing happening with trauma response. It’s the brain doing the same thing, but to such an extreme degree that it’s almost impossible to function. If someone survives a near fatal car crash, they may panic when they go near a car. Why? Because the brain has learned this thing to be an immediate and serious threat. The brain is now trained to fear and recoil. If you lived in a war zone and learned to sleep with one eye open so to speak, the brain is now trained to sense danger at every turn, especially when you’re in such a vulnerable state as sleep. You’re living in a constant state of anxiety because you expect a fatal threat. It’s why sudden noises and movements can trigger anxiety.

The brain is doing what it does. It adapts to perceived threats for survival. This heightened state of anxiety is deemed necessary by the brain, but we were not made to live in such a state. We cant. So the brain is, ironically, slowly killing itself. The brain is rewired and burned out and always looking for that next serious threat. It’s always reminding us that the threat looms. It’s where the subconscious lives. It’s why there’s constant anxiety, why there’s nightmares.

Of course, this can be exacerbated if the trauma is accompanied by severe grief or guilt.

This brings me to my point. If you would not tell someone to just pray the cancer away, I don’t think you can tell them to just pray the trauma away. We’re talking about a real physiological problem happening.

I think grief and guilt can be assuaged by the gospel. But the brain’s inner working itself? It’s a medical problem the same as any other. God absolutely can heal trauma same as cancer, but sometimes he doesn’t. Faith can absolutely bring about peace in hardships and give us the strength to carry on, but it’s not a guarantee that God will remove the hardship. That would be prosperity gospel.

And with all of this we can also recognize that certain treatments or habits may help relieve symptoms without fully curing, it exists on a medical spectrum.

And I think this is true about a lot of mental illness.

For the record, I think most mental illness in modern America is actually spiritual illness. And I think most psychologists are looney tunes. But people abusing a certain field of study and being stupid and misdiagnosing doesn’t negate the field of study as a whole.

If every sick person who walks into a doctors office no matter the symptoms gets diagnosed with cancer, it means the doctor is a quack and we have a problem of over diagnosis of a disease. But it doesn’t mean the disease isn’t real and that a certain percentage of the population doesn’t actually suffer from it. That would be a downright foolish thought.

Hormones, brain function, all of it can affect the mind. The brain is a complex organ. We still can’t fully understand it. And I don’t think we ever will. We know the brain can affect the mind. If it didn’t, people with TBIs would never suffer from sudden mental illness or personality shifts.

It seems wholly unchristian to deny the reality of both our body and the fallen state of the world.

[magnus-rhymes-with-swagness]

thinking thoughts about swords symbolizing the corruption of the institute and the control it has over the kingdom. the sword motif is absolutely everywhere - banners and art, kids’ games and cereal commercials, the statue of gloreth at the center of the kingdom. the institute building itself boasts even more - there are tons of statues and suits of armor, all holding swords. swords are everywhere you look!

another example is the way ballister and his swords are used as a tool by the director. he’s knighted with the same fake sword that kills the queen, highlighting how the system can only thrive on manipulation and deceit - the director can only have control over the kingdom if she lies to it, which she does primarily through ballister. he also immediately tries to go to his sword when he finds out nimona is a shapeshifter, as he hasn’t yet unlearned the values taught to him by the institute. the director keeps his real sword the whole time and uses it to try to kill who she thinks is ambrosius, planning to frame ballister for that murder too, which becomes a major turning point in his arc as he decides to abandon the sword as he no longer wants to be part of her game.

but even though he’s made the choice to reject the institute, he still struggles to unlearn its values. he’s been brainwashed from a young age, and had plenty of time to internalize false notions about heroes and villains and monsters. while he cares deeply about nimona at this point, he still instinctively goes to draw his (other) sword when he learns she’s the “monster” from the legend of gloreth.

one of the ways the director retains power is through gloreth - since she’s considered the symbol of righteousness and heroism, the ideal to which all knights should strive, she’s invoked at every moment possible. the scroll bearing the legend is used to justify killing nimona, and “the will of gloreth” is used to justify practically everything. ballister’s sword has a G on it, which is visible right before he gets knighted, and ambrosius’s sword looks just like the one the statue holds aloft. (gloreth didn’t actually have a sword like that, at least not when she knew nimona, but nobody knows this - the real story had been warped and twisted to fit the narrative so much over the course of a thousand years.)

ambrosius, being her descendant and the golden boy, finds it even more challenging to realize the institute is corrupt. he’s also been brainwashed and forced into a role, and there has always been an immense amount of pressure on him to follow in her footsteps. so when he meets ballister in the tavern he places ballister’s sword on the table and suggests killing nimona, as this is what the institution wants. ballister, who knows that nimona isn’t the one to blame, angrily walks out and leaves the sword laying there, trying to leave both it and the institute behind again.

ambrosius becomes understandably reluctant to use his sword for anything violent after cutting off ballister’s arm. he doesn’t draw it when leading a squadron of knights to find nimona and ballister, even when everyone else has their weapons trained. he points it at them and doesn’t use it when he and the other knights have them surrounded. at one point he even places it in front of the director in the effort to protect her. (he seems to be very loyal to her for reasons i’ve touched on here, and is still heavily under the influence of the institute at this point in time.) in fact, the only time he ever actually uses his sword going forward is the fight with ballister, but even then he’s not really fighting exactly, just deflecting ballister’s sword. he doesn’t try to get in a single strike, not wanting to hurt ballister again or give him any more reason to hate him.

nimona, having grown up under very different circumstances, knocks over suits of armor that have swords. she destroys the statues that hold them. when she and gloreth play fight as children, gloreth holds a toy sword while nimona holds a stick.

everything is inverted at the climax - when every other knight is running around with weapons, ambrosius doesn’t draw his sword. he stands in the middle of the street and asks aloud, “what are we doing?” as he’s finally able to see how corrupt and how dangerous the institute is.

and nimona is the one who seeks out gloreth’s sword, and ballister is the one who lets his own sword fall, breaking the cycle and rejecting the institute’s values once and for all in order to save her.

[dailykugisaki]

Day 159 | id in alt

Long overdue feast.

(Bears have absolutely no care if their prey is still alive whilst they eat, but they have a tendency to crush the lungs and bones of their prey while they're alive.)

[themoodydoodles]

I can’t believe this shit took me 3 fucking days

anyway I have a ton of headcanons that I shall discuss in the tags

also I took loose inspiration off of @sneakyboythingz ‘s human design of Jax, it is a good design

[bunnyinatree]

Can someone who is well-versed in Witcher lore confirm or deny whether Geralt has albinism? He is listed on the wiki page for characters with albinsim, but seeing as every character with albinism that I know of isnt included, I dont trust the list very much…

[itspileofgoodthings]

The past couple weeks it’s been really hitting me how much harder it’s been teaching Pride and Prejudice this year—which was so disappointing at first? Because works I’ve traditionally had a harder time with I’ve felt like i’ve broken new ground while teaching and am teaching the kids BETTER. So initially I was so frustrated that my historically easiest work to teach was feeling so difficult! But there’s been some good days that have let me see that part of what was happening was that I have simply never reached this number of kids with pride and prejudice before and so consequently I have never had so many kinds of reactions before! In the waking up from the sleep of simply never paying attention there IS going to be plenty of stupidity, contrariness, crankiness, and almost arguing? Like even with themsELVES. And that’s a good thing.

[cinnamon-phrog]

I feel too sick to sleep right now, everything's' too cold or too hot and I can't even breathe without thinking I'm gonna throw up

[flowercrowngods]

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

[chrisbangs]

hello... (and bye ig 👋)

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

You know what annoys me most about the entire Yagi and Inko bashing? Canonically EVERY adult has failed Izuku, every single one of them, (even Aizawa, especially Aizawa). However it's only Yagi and Inko who realized their own mistakes and tried to make amends and yet it's them who get most hated meanwhile Aizawa did fuck all for Izuku and yet the fandom treats him like a sagely perfect teacher because muhmuhm he expels kids to give them fear of death

[softquietsteadylove]

We need more fake wedding/engagement AU pls ♥️

"Hey."

"Hey," Gil looked up, surprised by the soft voice and the silent steps padding into the kitchen. He pulled up his piping bag from making little rosettes of whipped potatoes. "What are you doing up?"

It had been yet another long day, and even longer than most. Ajak had required Gil to make a slew of appetizers for the engagement party she was insisting on hosting for them. He had agreed, of course, because it made sense.

Thena had expressed her worry over him slaving away in the kitchen for a party supposedly in his honour; couldn't they just get it catered? He said it was sweet, but he was happy to cook for it, and he would have plenty of time to prepare everything, so it wasn't like he would be too stressed about it.

It was only a partial lie, and it only satisfied Thena partially anyway.

She then spent all day helping Ajak plan the layout for the party in the expansive 'back yard' of the property, including their little section of beach. Ajak had the best eye for decoration, but Thena was a master planner. She had every square inch optimised and every minute accounted for while Sersi and Makkari focused on the guest list and aesthetic for the party.

They had both reconvened at the dinner table, swaying from the fatigue of the day. Thena had even excused herself earlier than normal to get some sleep.

"Are you still preparing for the party?" Thena asked, ignoring his question about why she was up. She walked closer, pulling her cardigan around herself. She wore a cardigan because it was cold but preferred the silence she could achieve with bare feet?

"I'm almost done," he smiled, piping his last few dollops of Duchess potatoes. "These just need to set, and then tomorrow I'll bake them with a butter bath and a little cheese so they can be served hot."

Thena drifted around the side of the table to him, similar to how she had hovered the day of the sandwich making--a day which neither of them had mentioned, but did it ever stick out in his mind.

He could never forget the feeling of her lips at the corner of his. Although he could also never forget the look on his mom's face when they both realised she was still in the room to witness their little moment. He had been embarrassed, sure, but Thena had all but run out of the room, barely looking at either of them for the rest of the night. She looked cute all flustered, though.

Thena watched him as he worked. "You're working awfully tirelessly for a party that should be for you."

He smiled at her, squeezing out the last bit of potato. "For us!--and besides, I don't mind."

"You keep saying that."

He couldn't help but be a little surprised. He hadn't expected her to voice a kind of defensiveness in his name. He shrugged, "I dunno, I'm used to it."

She tilted her head at him (cutely).

"I've always done stuff like this," he supplied easily as he finally set down his piping bag and looked at the three trays of apps he had finished. "Don't get me wrong, mom's a great cook, but stuff like this...I did do catering before I started at the company."

Thena also eyed his bounty, including all the dishes left from it. "Most caterers have entire teams to assist them, too."

He shrugged again, somewhat more sheepishly. "I guess, but honestly, hiring a caterer is more trouble than it's worth. At least I know what we all like, what we don't, that kind of thing. I know Sersi is allergic to buckwheat, I know Kari doesn't really like meat even if she's not totally vegetarian. I know Druig is picky with textures and I know you hate seafood."

Thena rolled her eyes at him.

He chuckled, though, picking up his tray and getting ready to load up the fridge even more. He smiled as Thena pulled the door open for him. "It's something I can do to take care of my family, y'know? Mom has done so much for us our whole lives."

And his father had done absolutely jack-shit for them.

"I wanna do whatever I can to help out," he concluded as she helped him load the last tray. The rest of the fridge was already stuffed with cheese appetizers, puff pastries to be baked, fruits that needed carving, and plenty else.

He turned and stretched with a groan. He was far from done, "I'll be up soon, don't worry. I just gotta finish these-"

"Leave them." He looked down at Thena, but she stared right back at him, arms crossed around her. "Leave the dishes for tomorrow."

He looked around the kitchen; it was pretty disastrous, and he didn't want to imagine what it would be like if his mother's kitchen weren't so massive. "The sink's totally full, not to mention the dishwasher. I can't-"

"It's not as if anyone will be using the kitchen for themselves tomorrow anyway," she shook her head, even pulling him by the hand. "They can wait until tomorrow, Gil."

"But-" he floundered, although he wasn't trying all that hard to escape the grasp of her very cold, very delicate hand. He looked down at the hand, and then at her bare feet again. "Thena, you're freezing--seriously, why aren't you in bed?"

She didn't answer him, still pulling him with her to their shared guest room.

"Were you cold?" he asked, and he had a feeling he was getting warmer (no pun intended). He tilted his head to try and get a better look at her, "is it too big? I told mom we didn't need a king sized bed."

"Just come to bed, Gilgamesh."

He grinned; she couldn't sleep without him.

He could admit just to himself that he had also gotten used to sleeping with her. After the general horror of sleeping with his best friend in a partial state of undress wore off, he had to admit, it was comfy. They fit together well, he gave off enough warmth for the both of them, and Thena would naturally wake him up by running her fingers through his hair.

Neither of them had mentioned that either, but he had a feeling she liked cuddling too.

"Fine," he conceded, yawning as he trudged up the stairs. "But I'm being a bad chef by leaving all that sitting there."

"I'm sure the code of conduct will forgive you," she drawled, finally bringing him into the room. She hadn't even closed the door behind her. She really did get up just to bring him to bed with her.

Gil sighed as he sat down on the edge of the bed. He was more tired than he thought he was.

"Get changed and lie down, Gil. Don't worry about the dishes."

Well, if she was going to tempt him with that lovely voice she had. He grumbled, hauling himself up and to the bathroom adjoining their room. Now that he was in the comfort of the familiar space, he felt how exhausted he was. Maybe she was right, he should ask for more help with stuff like this.

The dishes did get done, though. By the time he came downstairs the next morning to ask why she had gotten up so early, Thena had done every single one of them.

[rawliverandgoronspice]

.

one of my major problems with my job is that I get sososo tired of trying to figure out how to interact with people in a way that is honest, productive, but also doesn't bruise anyone's egos, and I can feel myself getting worse at it as time goes on and it's genuinely what drains me and stresses me out the most by far

[novelconcepts]

I just. How are the studios not fucking embarrassed yet? How are they not just wallowing in awareness that they are the baddies? I understand wealth separates a man from his common sense and, uh, soul, but. How are you looking at a bunch of artists who are asking for basically the bare minimum, going “yeah, no, I need my yachts”, and you’re NOT aware how pathetic you look? The biggest loser energy in the world.

[dailykugisaki]

Day 120 | id in alt

Be real. It looks like Itadori and Fushiguro have unholy thin ankles.

(I will be participating in the global strike btw! So no posts until 26 or 27th💥)