#empty thoughts

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

Carpenter literally having to carry corpse of her people while on another pilgrimage for another god. Carpenter who used to taunt Faulkner for being convert now turning into convert herself. Carpenter finally finding rest and a promised ending only for her past to come back once again. Carpenter on a pilgrimage once again for both her old god and her new god to choose which of them would feed on her. There's no such thing as a fresh start

[moo-blogging]

No thoughts tonight, just being casual with Levi feels so natural. Like him laying on the small of your back while you were reading with your tummy on the floor.

Or you drying his hair after his shower and he sat patiently watching you from the mirror. Or the gentle knock on your shoulder with his while you walk together side by side. You exchange knowing looks and smiles while bumping shoulders.

Or how natural it is when you slide across the bed, into his arms and he just accepts you even he is deep in slumber. His body finds yours like two magnets come together.

Like he was made for you.

[irisitaj]

Theatrical Collapse

“I can’t let myself be loved.

Every time we talk, you make me feel excited, free, as if I have nothing to lose. But as soon as you hang up, everything turns off—the music I thought was harmonizing our love fades, and the vivid colors reflected by the sun turn into the cold, melancholic shades of the moon, even when it’s still hidden.

Then you call again, and everything colors itself once more. Suddenly, life isn’t so harsh with you by my side. But out of fear that the whole stage will fall apart again, I seek comfort in others.

I walk with you while looking back, making sure there are others behind me, waiting for the moment to reopen the scene with someone else. I don’t know how to love, much less believe that you will stay, but I am lost in the euphoric sensation of loving without expecting the certainty of your presence in my home.”

[janthewriter]

I Am Tired

I am tired of feeling unloved.

I do not think anybody could ever love an unusual creature of perpetual habit like me. Only can they become intrigued with fascination of the unknown. Digging and prodding, only to yield no answers, fueling their anger until they move on to next best thing of existence, one that will gift them with the satisfaction they do hungrily desire.

I am tired of feeling this way.

My mind takes me to the dungeons of a Victorian castle in some frightful place unknown. Even the moonlight raises no hope against this stand of darkness within. I can never seem to escape the shackles. I must free myself. I must free my brain from it’s cranium. And then maybe I will finally be set free at last.

I am tired of the hollow emptiness.

It almost feels as if there is nobody else out here in this void of darkness. I call out, echoes of silence are my only answer in return. I turn mute. Only to match the peaceful, yet painful silence, that I am forever engulfed in.

I am tired of feeling trapped.

I wish I could free myself from this labyrinth, that I somehow found myself stumbling into. The birdcage in my chest that encloses a beautiful bluejay, feels punctured with every breath, being poked and prodded for amusement.

I am tired of breathing.

I breath, just for the oxygen to be sucked out of my lungs through the mouth of a lover, into the infinite space unknown. It is pointless, I shall take shallow breaths until my breathing diminishes altogether; this way it can never be stolen at the hands of a thief needy for more, again.

I am tired of seeing the good.

It becomes painfully hard to see the good, when I can only feel the bad. My eyes are the most diligent. They never fail at accomplishing to deceive me with enticements that are almost up for no refusal. I know better to believe the sweet lies that my eyes show me, telling me all is well. Almost nothing in this world is.

I am tired of fighting.

I am strong and indestructible, until I am not. I become so weak and fragile that with every step I take, my bones creak, revealing my hand of vulnerability. My armor has become too heavy, my arms to weak. Tears cascade down the calming silver onto the battle ground. Fighting has become pointless. It is not in my favor. But someone must win the battle. This war must end eventually.

I am tired of only being seen externally.

My body has nothing left to give. I have ripped every organ out with my bare hands, just to serve them on a silver platter to the greedy. I have given almost everything away, but no one has accepted my heart yet. Seek pity on me and just take what’s left of my heart and make it yours.

I am tired of this torturous day to day life.

A good day only seems to stare at me with wide eyes, extending it’s hand. I reach out in acceptance, thinking greatness is to be bestowed upon me, at last. I am deceived into receiving the small left over bread crumbs called inconvenience. I watch as the the latter is passed on to the next one in line awaiting the opportunity of delight.

I can’t do this much longer.

I am just really really tired.

~Jan

[spar-kill]

[tearstainedink]

a flicker is still a flame,

ever glowing a pale blue,

holding on for the sake of the heat

that warms even the smallest

finger tips.

[m9nwh0r3]

Gonna draw human shadow for my au cuz I don't feel like drawing anthropomorphic Shadow today. Also using Anya from mouthwashing as a reference.

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

TSV season 1 looks at the question "Why would anyone worship an evil god?" And answers "What other choice do we have?" What other choice do we have when the legacy of everyone we have ever loved and lost weigh heavy on our shoulders? What other choice do we have when there is some deep unfulfilled Want in us and this is the only thing that said it could complete us? What other choice do we have when this is our entire world from our home to our workplace to everything in between? What choice do we have when all we see is devastation from equally terrifying hungry beings that will surely kill us if our god doesn't protect us? What choice do we have when this is the only thing we have ever known?

And thing is even if you try to escape? This world won't let you. Most likely you are going to be dragged back kicking and screaming and turned into a grotesque monster against your will. Most likely someone with a gun to your head will keep you in check. And even if you do escape the god that has done nothing but taken from you and hurt you and destroyed you and killed you and broken you down and turned you into something horrid?

Well there's another one, just as hungry, just as wretched, just as evil, right behind you and waiting to eat embrace you.

[moo-blogging]

No thoughts tonight, just Levi holding you tight before he had to leave for a mission.

He was already in his full uniform. The black bodysuit that hugged his small frame tightly with blades attached to his outer thighs. This would provide cover in the dark and improve mobility. But all Levi felt was chill and exposed. He pulled the familiar green cloak over his shoulders.

You stood behind him, watching as he dressed up to go retrieve Eren from Marley. You were ordered to stay behind to prepare for receiving the Yeager brothers.

Levi finally turned around and your eyes met, mirroring the sadness and anxiety in each other's eyes. You took a step forth and Levi welcomed you into his embrace. You felt the chill of his bodysuit and the breastplate at first, and slowly his warmth started to seep through.

Levi pulled you in as close as possible, feeling your warmth on his new uniform. He was greedy for what little warmth your cheek radiated, pressing himself onto you with all his might. He inhaled deeply, trying to take you in as much as possible. He was relieved you didn't have to go with him to a foreign land but he was still worried. Inhaling you into his blood was the only safe way to bring you with him.

You grabbed onto his waist tightly, holding onto him as if he might be gone if you let go. Levi's arms were around your shoulders and he was pulling you into him too.

It wasn't until the siren went off that you had to let each other go. You grabbed his cheek and pulled him in for a hard, passionate kiss. Your noses crashed and you held your breath as you kissed each other deeply.

"Come home to me, Levi. Please, please find your way home to me no matter what."

"I will, I promise. Wait for me. Wait for me to return."

[irisitaj]

Empty Desire

“I’m constantly doing something to avoid thinking about you. When you don’t reply, I find a place to go to forget that maybe you’re ignoring me. When you finally do answer, I try to ignore you and clear my mind to deceive myself into thinking that you feel the same loneliness without my message that I do, which we both know isn’t the truth.

You only remember me at night, like all the men who have passed through my life. I suppose I can’t complain, they say one accepts the love they believe they deserve, but why would I believe I’m only loved if I’m seen through eyes of desire? Worse yet, I’ve believed it since I was 12. It haunts and hurts me how my brain works, thinking that if I’m not desired so much to the point of wanting to hurt me, it means I’m not worth much and I’m not really loved.”

[spar-kill]

Cincinnati, Ohio

Photos by me

[rottenelusive]

My biggest and delusive fantasy is being loved and cared for. Just by one person that will take their time of day to care about me. Someone who wants to hold me and talk to me. Just someone who wants me as much as i want them. Not lusting over someone else, just me. They don’t need to be rich or the most handsome or the smartest. They just need to be themselves, like i can be with them. I want them to care about me like im their child. I want them to help me improve myself. I want to learn from them. I want them to hold me while they talk about their life. I wish they would always wanna kiss me and if they do with love. And while we fuck that he also cares about me and listens to me and my body. He knows i would do anything for me and trusts me. He cares about my interests and i care about his. He takes me on real dates and gives me a reason to live for. I want him to be truthful and tell me when something is wrong. Isn’t scared to communicate with me and asks me the right questions. Doesn’t hit me or get mad at the smallest things. Tells me its okay when i feel like im dying. Gives me space when i need to. Doesn’t think im weird or childish and doesn’t make fun of me. Doesn’t say im ugly and doesn’t compare me to other girls. And most of all if he doesn’t like me anymore tells me why and how and doesn’t just leave me behind with nothing. Leave me with peace and understanding so i can also move on…maybe someday lol

[ch4rl1ez3mptym1nd]

The way no one cares, the way you could be going through the worst time of your life, and they will, knowingly, not give a shit. It’s impressive actually, you could have been in your house, locked for over a week, and they will knowingly, not give a shit. They don’t care if you’re lonley, if you’ve relapsed, if you haven’t ate in 3 days, if you’re alive or if youre dead. They just don’t care. Because you’re not important, you’ve never been important, you make no difference in the world whatsoever. You could be the nicest, most caring person to everyone around you, and that’s exactly why they will always take advantage of you. They don’t care about your needs, no. They have you as an escape from their own problems, but to them, it doesn’t matter if you’re okay or not. Because you’re always there, you’ve always been there, and you always will be there

You’ll find yourself staring at a wall, your eyes brimming with tears as your heart crumbles. You had always thought that by being a good person the world would return you with pleasure, but no. Your still staring at the same ceeling, laying on the same bed, going to the same school, being around the same people, feeling the same feeling of despair and guilt you’ve felt for what feels like ages now

The black hole in your chest only seems to get bigger, the dark cloud in your head seems to be taking over every thought, everything you do takes more work, and soon you will realize that it won’t get better like everyone would tell you it will

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

I think we should stop giving Lance family problems and instead give everyone else family problems and then drag him into all of them as universe's most unpaid and unqualified therapist. As god intended

[moo-blogging]

No thoughts tonight but laying next to Levi in the dark. The soft sound of the rain echoing in the room, dim light filtered through the curtain, making the room black and white.

You were facing each other. You could see the light tracing on his pale skin. His eye brows frowning as his chest heaved with every breath.

Hesitated, you reached out your hand and placed your palm on his cheek gently. The way your palm just fit perfectly on his cold cheek, resting your thumb on his eyelid made you felt something in your chest. Softly, you caressed his eyelid with your thumb.

Levi moaned and moved his face to kiss your palm. He opened one eye and you withdrew your hand.

You whispered, "sorry i woke you."

"Mmm, warm." Levi scooted over toward you and pulled you into his arms. He kissed the top of your head before he exhaled and rested his cheek of your forehead.

You placed your palm on his cheek again, gently caressing his eyelid and eyebrow, easing his frown. All you could feel was his warm embrace. You smelled him. His soft snores escaped his lips. His silhouette in the dark. You turned your head to kiss his parted lips.

Even with heavy sleepiness weighted on him, Levi never let you go.

[irisitaj]

desvanecida en mi misma

“Camino por las calles sintiéndome invisible, sintiéndome controlada y atemorizada. es desesperante, pero esa emoción se volvió solo un pensamiento. Soy incapaz de sentir, y eso me da tristeza, pero las lágrimas que bajan por mis mejillas no son cálidas; son frías y salen para complacer a mi corazón y darme la sensación de que aún sigo con vida. Odie tanto vivir que ahora, para calmar mi furia, estoy muerta en vida.”