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wordsarefakeokay · 1 year

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The universe told me to stop and reflect. The universe told me "don't escape the safe place you've built, learn to see it as home again. Reinforce the barricades and the borders, define your home, name your boundaries. Define what is safe for you and cut what is not. Be okay with your decision and while you do that learn to walk again"

My hands are my voice. I'm finding my peace in the writing. These thumbs have written more essays and fairy tales than on this here heaven and earth Horatio....or at least at a computer. There's no end to the strength and dexterity of my thumbs on my phone. Instead of telling trolls on that inconsequential app Twitter off I spend my time playing with words like preschool blocks and building castles out of cardboard. I am a kid again putting the voice to the thoughts I was too scared to express, to scared to share. I was blinded by the idea of happily ever after and that once the girl gets her prince or resolves her issues, that's supposed to be the end of the story. Aren't you happy now you have a man? Aren't you happy now you had one meaningful conversation with your mom, isn't it all water under the bridge by now?

Now I can say no one breakthrough is not a solution. It's an epiphany and how you respond afterwards is your truth. Will you wake up and try better, wake up and try at all, or will you think that the epiphany is enough and that therapy is a quick fix solution. Will you try at all or stay the same. Will you be there or will you be present, aware, active, engaging. Will you just sit in the room and think that's enough or will you try. Your response tells us everything.

So I sit here in my princess and the pea bed of mattresses and it's soft and home and clean and safe. I still watch fairy tales but now I look at all the characters and think about who's storyline has helped me grow the most in that hour and a half. Who's growth is going to help me with my own and now I find that it changes day to day. I am the hero of my own story and sometimes that means I'm the side character for someone else because my relationship with them matters to me, they matter to me but also by listening to my dear ones woes I can reflect on my own. The advice I give them also helps me. And I practice this when I'm watching a movie. It's not just observing cinematic experience in a moment, it's learning how the story unfolds based on how the director sees it and understanding the use and importance of dialogue. Only the best shows make it hard to choose which storyline applies that day because everyone and everything about the story is working in perfect harmony. And everytime I am different, unique, feeling a singular train of thought that day and the movie, the story takes me somewhere else. They still come with a sick beat and melody to match so some things stay the same. It is me who is different and wiser now. And that is okay. That is called growth.

So that is why it must be that the universe said "nah honey take a chill pill" and zapped me with the fortune of a few broken foot bones and some joint fractures for measure. When they bury me in the ground my right foot will look different from my left. Those bones don't look the way they do when I started this trainwreck rollercoaster called life. So I stay comfy and I wait and I wait. I manage pain and I wait and I wait. I see my doctor take the medication eat food and I eat the right food and I wait. And wait. And wait until my doctor says otherwise. I'm healing, and mending skeletal framework and rewiring my muscles. And everytime I get a little closer to having a normal life again I go right back to bed before waking up to try again. Can't you see that I'm trying?

So you're not welcome here. Your presence isn't safe. You aren't a safe space for me anymore and looking back on it I don't really think you were. I don't know how you clearly must be for other people. You are a volcano ready to erupt at a kids science fair at the earliest sign of Pepsi on Mentos. You are a fire hydrant who's lug nut did not get properly tightened on it's last task. You are a hallowed antique store that is precious to your small community that I'm terrified to enter because I'm not worthy. Because the person behind the counter is analyzing my every move my every breath and tallying every close call or smudged foot print I leave. They're preparing to sanitize every surface, polish every piece, freaking sage your safe zone from the enemy that apparently was me all along. I was walking on eggshells in your safe space, even when you opened it up to me. I was holding my breath Incase I breathed funny and triggered something in you. I was recounting verbal chess moves to see where everything went wrong. And at the end of the day I learned

We are not good for each other. We are not safe for each other. Your china shop is at your exact specifications and new elements are not welcome in your life. And that's your problem because you missed out on knowing me. You missed out on really knowing me. You saw what you could gather in a year and you told me I wasn't good enough. You told me the four deadly words to anyone's soul: you're not good enough. You asked me to change and never wondered what I needed from you if we were gonna stay in each other's lives. Stay as family. Be a family. Family makes room in the shops for you to visit. I wanted to look at your antiques and doodads and any memory you ever wanted to share that was neat or painful or funny or raw. Any memory that told me about you. Your antique shop was in black and white while I was there and all I wanted to do was know what colors went where. I wanted to know who you were in all the funny or scary or weird or nice microcosms about you. What makes you a person and can I be good in your life like I thought you would be in mine.

I guess we answered that question the day I broke my foot. It was the day you tried to fix things. It was the day you broke my heart. The kind of break you've been through before but you thought was behind you. The hurt that reminds you of your mom, the mom who's better over there out of my own book store.

And the worst part is that I know if I told you this you'd tell me that the antique china shop I described is actually a mom and pop OG game stop before game stop became popular. Itd be the hit place with the kids in the district or the kids in the group home or the kids in the after school DARE program rode their bikes and scooters and skateboards to while laughing at lessons and thinking about drugs and how the things "you're too young to mess with" are actually something you can get at the guy from the 711 on the way to the mom and pop store. You'd tell me that the antiques found in here we're the treasures of your youth, that the retro pieces of my time were the norm in yours. That every day nostalgia for you was an era away that I can appreciate like a fine wine. We are different and I was trying to understand what was in your store. I was trying to understand why this mom and pop shop stayed at this block with this community and supported this family and these kids. Why is this a safe place for others and not a safe space for me. I was trying to understand. Do you hear that? I was trying. to. understand. And you let me explore for a little bit I think I sneezed or laughed with you about something or maybe it was a comment or my body language or my attitude but I also could have just breathed wrong and you put up hazards saying "this place isn't safe with my little sister anymore" with everyone in your life on alert to figure out how to keep a sniper rifle trained on me. And from that first offense, every little mistake I made got worse, there was no end to punishments or tough fam conversations. I left a job because of that kind of treatment why are you surprised I blocked you? Why did you make your hurt my problem at the end of everything when I told you it was over and that I was done. Why are you like this? I hope you answer that question later for yourself one day so I'll say it again for spiciness. Why. are. you. like. this? Why can't you change?

The worst part about it is I know how you'll respond to all this and it goes a little something like this: you'd respond in a way that would make it about you just so you could have the last say and end this on a note where your hurt is my problem (again) and you would end it in a way that would prompt me to respond. You talk to hurt and be right so you can sleep at night and I talk to heal and grow. We're different. And when things go bad, things are worse before the bull breaks the retro shop.

The bull was you all along. Please know that before we talk again.

#things i wish i could say #things i wish i told my sister #a word in edgewise #i think i was writing a warm up earlier about something else and then this came out #so this became my first draft of something i wish i had told my sister when i finally cut her off #monologues #monologuesque #id write a soliloquy in ny sleep if it would mean she would change #i wanted to work things out so badly #honestly just for her wife at the end but still. i found two big sisters for the price of one #and her wife was more a sister to me than my actual sister was #her wife gets angry but she doesnt get mean #and she would never yell at me #or make me feel like im not enough #i got the message loud and clear from my own mother if my sister is just gonna keep telling me that everytime we talk and not also try to #fix her shit at the same time or value my trauma as the same as her own well #fuck out of my life the doors right there #and i dont need you to contact me so ill block your ass on the way out ya asshole #dont be surprised when i dont want to try if you wont either #that kind of relationship is not worth my time until you change yourself #fuck you for hurting me and then thinking you can brush it away with an apology #the hurts still there dickhead #okay im done #theres obviously a lot left unsaid and i wish more than anything i could just out it behind me once and for all #but things still feel unresolved and i just know #i just know. shes going to show up after a cool enough period when things are good for her and shes feeling a high and she wants to brag #and tell me shes right and that she was kind of wrong but shes still right and i know that mentality will be sooo hard for her to break bc #its the only mechanism she has to help her sleep at night #anyway grrr #writing

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anglerflsh · 5 months

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wow ive been kind of off lately I should take a day to rest an[explosion]

#[.art]#self #complaining tag #I'm good. I needed to draw about it but I'm good. it's fine. whatever #love it when I barely ask you for money to Live outside of gifts and 30 a month. and then you withold the gift SOMEONE ELSE GAVE ME #that's fine it's totally not as if I told you I need that money before. and you decided I was a bit too mean #about you compiling a document I Need To in order to keep the room and board in the place I am living in. by the way #she proceeded to change topic completely to the weather and forget about anything ive told her on the clothes I have here #or about the courses I follow. she takes notes for my sister's classes but cannot be bothered to remember i dont have exams in april #that's fineeee it's fine. it's fine. I know my sistser needs the help and I don't. I would rather die than ask for her help anyways #you can at least pretend to forget about both of us equally instead of telling me I should graduate in two years because im smart enough #which I am not. by the way. At least when I will fail at something I'll have the opportunity to tell her I told you so thank god #dont get me wrong i know her giving me compliments is a good thing I just sort of wish the were things actually about me #and not about the idea she has about me being some kind of prodigy that's simply too lazy to actually be exceptional. anyways

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away-ward · 2 months

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Hey KO, pd said the reason damon named fane.. fane was to honor rika's father since he respected him after realizing her father still wanted to raise him despite his origin. he wasnt named to honor rika but to honor her father.

That's great actually, and it makes sense. Thanks for the clarification.

#asked and answered #devil's night series #damon torrance #still wish it had been made clear through the series #and that the names of his other children had some clear meaning so we the readers could piece that together #and not have to be told by the author after the fact #but it's something i guess #i really don't want to complain because i don't wanna be one of those fans that is like things should have been done the way i want them #“my preference over everything else!”#not everything needs to be done to my preference i know that #but why did he pick a name that is very much associated with his very alive sister who refused to give up her father's name #rika is honoring her father with the same name - we discussed that in conclave #damon could have done something different with schreader #Rea is a pretty cool name; same with Reader #or something #it's also still associated with the diamond business rika owns which is also named fane #who is going to think of Rika's dad when they meet fane when his name is so many other things?#but that's just me #i keep coming back to this with new thoughts #but why does schraeder get forgiveness #and christane is a weak women for being depressed when Gabriel raped her a stole her baby #schraeder may have loved damon despite that but he didn't do anything to stop Damon's abuse #Damon's double standards are getting out of control #“i love strong women”#but only by a very narrow definition of strong #and this isn't to say damon can't be flawed #but can we see this as a flaw without his fans turning to rage over it

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graciebrams · 3 months

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🫧

#tw: vent #so my mother is basically mean to me like 99 % of the time and we literally argue every single day #and i have been trying my hardest to not pay any heed to what she tells me but recently she told me something that really #made me feel so incredibly hurt and stupid idek how to put thaf into words #i avoid sharing things with her because she makes me feel bad about even the tiniest most unnecessary thing i share with her #so basically i have this one friend who was staying away from home for uni and she lives near me so i always try to be there for her #becayse i know how lonely it gets for her and i always go everytime my friends need me and my mom hates that #she makes me feel like being nice to my friends and others is the dumbest thing on this planet and that im stupid #but if my sister does it she's an angel #i was just waiting for my friend to figure things out as she was moving back home after uni ended so we could go look at internships #toghether #and she went home and got a job and while im happy for her she didn't even mention anything about it which made me sad enough but when i #told my mother about it she made me feel worse she said that was not very nice what she did you did so much for her and i told her #that's alright i dont mind and she said that my friend used me for her benefit and that I'm stupid for being nice to people #because according to her every nice thing that ive done is stupid and nothing i have done is going to make her feel proud or is enough #she qould NEVER say this to my sisters EVER #aah fuck this became too long #im so sorry if anyone came across this #but yes my mother is literally my biggest enemy most times ngl #she makes me feel like i wish i was not alive #it hurts to see my friends have great relationship with their moms and sisters #:')

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luciality · 3 months

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cruel world

#shut up luci #delete later #i didnt get to sleep until 4:30 am last night bc my sister made me color her hair for her and bake cupcakes because shes having a party toda #so i had to bake cookies cupcakes and fry chip and make the salsa #my new place still doesnt have internet but whatever.#my mother has told everyone im throwing a housewarming party jn a week but thats not wven true #my cousin still hasnt been able to help me finish moving everything. i cant afford to pay movers rn but i cant lift this shit on my own #i just want it to be done ive been here for like two weeks now and im still moving shit and now i apparently need to prepare for guests #might actually kms over this #it never gets better it never gets better i just wish things got better

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taters-for-tots · 10 days

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it should be illegal to ignore me while i talk about things that i like btw. if you even care.

#brought to you by the association of i was talking about community s2 e6 epidemiology #and how it's really cool and different from all the other episodes because it's not a gimmick and it actually for real happened in universe #and then the person i was talking to said “huh? sorry i'm reading this thing---” and then continued to talk about what they were reading #the last time i was filled with this much rage was when my sister told me she wished markiplier #“would stop putting his stupid characters in everything”#i am becoming homocidal #tater tot tag

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sastielsfandom · 1 month

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So many people do things out of obligation they can't believe the lengths people go out of love.

#and they think people can't tell when they're simply an obligation #people think i have ulterior motives or some obligation to my siblings with how I'm overprotective and care for them so much #when it's just love #and they think I'm blind to their ulterior motives when i know I'm being used so they can look like a better person #i know the difference because i know what it is to be loved #my mom is far from perfect but she knows that and doesn't strive for perfection #she strives to better herself #if not for herself then at least for her kids #she doesn't say the perfect things all the time but you can tell she's trying #which is a lot better than someone who says they care but never shows it #my mom always asked a week ahead what i wanted for breakfast lunch and dinner for my birthday #and would emphasize to think about myself and not others and what they'd like #and if i wanted a cake or something different #i can't recall if i chose my dinner this year #my sister bought me donuts after asking what dessert I wanted #and my dad got me a chocolate cake after i told him a week before how I hated chocolate and cake #and got told by his gf that I was rude for not cutting the cake when the only ones there to celebrate with were my younger siblings #my older sister was at work and no one else ate with us #all day i kept thinking i just wish I was with my mom and all my younger siblings #it didn't feel like a celebration it felt like a performance that he didn't even care about #bc he realized he didn't have to put on a performance for anyone #love is not a performance and about looking good in front of others #something he knows nothing about

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jadepearl · 1 year

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Hop off of the Penelope Featherington hate train. Y’all are forgetting that Lady Whistledown writes what she hears- if you talking bout your business in public- or performing your business in public , acknowledge the fact that it may become public knowledge. Especially in the era they live in.

Imagine knowing how much damage a SINGLE rumor can do to you and still choosing to run your mouth OUT LOUD IN PUBLIC- the Ton are practically handfeeding Penelope their business.

As for Eloise- Penelope was protecting her in the same way that Penelope has always somewhat protected the Bridgerton. I’m not letting y’all forget that Penelope through her own COUSIN (in season one) and then her entire FAMILY (in season two) under the fucking bus for BRIDGERTONS!!!

Y’all out here acting like Eloise wouldn’t have gotten caught sooner or later. Better to deal with a rumor (that her family’s reputation can clear up) than to have the fucking QUEEN suspicious of you- or did y’all forget that part?

Yes, Penelope was wrong in how she went about protecting Eloise- but- but Pen was also completely willing to GIVE UP (and she did- until that fucking argument!!!) the only thing that she had for herself. Her only bit of freedom and she was going to give it up- because she’d used it INTENTIONALLY (with good intent) to hurt her friend’s reputation . Y’all are completely ignoring the reasoning behind the Pen/Eloise argument and I will not stand for it. The way she did it was wrong, but she did it to protect Eloise. Better Lady Whistledown than Queen Charlotte- because y’all know damn well if Queen Charlotte had gone after Eloise, even her family’s reputation wouldn’t be able to save her. The method was wrong, but it solved the main problem.

I will repeat:: PENELOPE/LADY WHISTLEDOWN WRITES WHAT SHE HEARS AND SEES!!!! Blame the Ton for not keeping a better handle on their secrets.

#bridgerton #penelope featherington #lady whistledown #Penelope defense squad #because apparently she needs one #do you have any idea how difficult it must be to be the featherington with any fucking money #like she could single-handedly save her family #I hope she doesn’t though #well maybe the sister marrying the cheese guy #Penelope is a woman #of the Ton #with a JOB #she is doing what Eloise wishes she could #if Eloise was a better friend maybe pen would have told her #but no…Eloise only noticed because there was NOTHING ELSE FOR HER TO NOTICE!!!!!#that singular scene- watching the realization on Eloise’s face #led to me to believe that that wasn’t a true friendship #eloise bridgerton #I’m so tired of people being mean to Penelope #my sweet angel has never done a single thing wrong in her life

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glitxd-shenanigan · 10 months

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Honestly feeling really dysphoric today, it's been a long time since I felt this way I forgot how weird, exposed and out of place it makes me feel... even though I wear my baggy sweater today

I don't have my binder today since my laundry hasn't dried yet, I just want to go home

#GX Speaks #Nonbinary #I think this stems from my brother referring me as his “sister” to his friends #even though I told him countless of times to refer to me as “my sibling” instead #groaningggg it's fine though there were worse things and it's not the end of the world yet #REALLY wish gender reaffirming surgeries exist in Indonesia.... I'll do anything to get these two fat sacks off.... I'll save up too #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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readingwriter92 · 3 months

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Decided fuck everything and played 30 mins of bioshock today. At. 2am. In the dark. When I’m both shit at video games and also never really played a shooter.

This is fine.

#Sarah plays bioshock #since it takes me twelve thousand years to finish games and I’m still not done by second play of Witcher 3 I said fuck it #I’ll never get to this so I’ll play #I’m figuring eventually the panic of oh shit smth after me and I am bad with gun will wear off but. man. I’m def wasting some bullets here y #all. either way fun shit. terrified of the robot things that defend ? the sisters? the little kids.#yall I’ve been told these games are really good but I don’t actually know too much so I’m excited to learn #do wish atlas would talk to me more - but I got a little robot friendo now and I’m very happy about him #he’s my friend. I need a name for him #shut up sarah

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howtobeamagicalgirl · 3 months

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✨️

#ranntics #my mom hasn't really said anything about me being gay since I came out but I honestly thinks she resents it #she doesn't SAY anything but she also seems uncomfortable when it comes up #she's never expressed any problems with my relationship and she's polite to my fiancee when we visit #but like. idk. she didn't seem very enthusiastic when I told her I was engaged. and honestly I didn't expect her to be #but it was literally the reaction I'd expect her to have if my sister told her she was marryingnher boyfriend who my mom hates #but like. he's a convicted felon with a gun collection and my fiancee is an accountant and former athlete who did theater in college #she thinks my mom doesn't like her but I don't even think that's the problem I just think my mom doesn't want me to be gay #not in a forceful way and I don't think she even necessarily wants me to become straight or pretend I am #I think she's just disappointed that I'm gay in the first place #idk. around this time of year I see a lot of stuff about parents of lgbt kids at pride and shit and it's like #things with my mom could be much worse and I'm grateful to have the mom I have #I just wish she was proud of me and wasn't like. ashamed of my relationship.#idk. my period is probably going to start in like 15 minutes and this will all make more sense but I'm feeling rotten rn

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yappingmoxie · 4 months

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made a birthday post for my grandma yesterday since no one else remembered it and immediately afterwards my sister made one and really drilled in hard about how she named my newest niece after her. and idk. I’m still upset. I’ve been crying off and on about it because like. I know it wasn’t right but my grandma would tell anyone who listened how I was her favorite grandchild (and tbh I think besides it just being true she did that bc she knew how awful my mom and sister were to me) and would brag on me constantly. and my sister did nothing but talk about how annoying my grandma was and say the worst things about her right before she died. but yet she loved her so much that she forgot her birthday 2 years in a row so I mean clearly she just had to take the name I fought with her over during her first pregnancy. I’m so glad I’ve had my cousin throughout all of this because otherwise I’d feel legitimately insane. She’s been amazing at reminding me how much grandma loved me and helping reinforce that grandma and I DID have an agreement that she wanted ME to name my daughter after her if I ever had one. Everything my sister does though feels so spiteful. Like I love my niece so much and it just sucks that I can’t even spend time with her without being reminded of how much my sister wants to hurt me. I don’t blame the baby though. Like it hurts and makes interacting with her a little difficult but she’s innocent. And the thing is I wouldn’t have even minded if she named her that out of genuine love and respect for my grandma but I know she didn’t. From not letting anyone be with my grandma in the hospital when she died to putting her ashes in my fucking mailbox to telling me that my grandma hated me and I didn’t do enough for her to telling me how awful I was for taking a week off to implying I should’ve been there even tho she lied to me about her being in the hospital to withholding photos she promised me of her to ruining my grandmas house (she lets my 5 year old niece write all over the walls and keeps a million fuckin farm animals like ducks and chickens and turkeys inside when grandma didn’t even let dogs in) to asking the preacher at her funeral to say some pointed remarks about me being no contact with my mom to now using her daughters name as a direct slight against me I can’t help but feel like all she wants to do is weaponize my dead grandma against me without even worrying about how disrespectful she’s being to her as long as it hurts me. I haven’t even tried talking to about my nieces name because after confronting her about my grandmas passing I know it’ll do nothing to actually remedy anything and will just lead to even more explosive fights where I know she’ll just double down on saying things she know will hurt me. And I don’t want to argue about my grandma. I don’t want to use her memory for something disrespectful. It doesn’t feel right and doesn’t feel like honoring her in any way that she’d appreciate. I just want her to be respected. I want her name to be used for something kind and loving instead of spiteful. Because ultimately that’s what she was. My kind and loving grandma. Not a tool to cause arguments and tension. She was always the mediator in the family and I can’t help but think how disappointed she’d be to know her passing has been used in the way it has to further drive a shift in the family.

#idk it’s all just a lot and I wish more than anything I had my grandma back right now #I know she was a lil grouchy towards the end and probably did say some things that were a little rude about me but she was literally dying #and I can’t be upset with her for that. especially because she always apologized and made sure to tell me she loved me and that she didn’t #mean none of it. that things were just getting to her and she shouldn’t act like that #and I understand that and know it to be true but when my sister uses the things my grandma said out is frustration #or things I know she never would have said about me at all to hurt me. it works #like I can’t count how many times my grandma told me word for word that I was ‘the only one who wasn’t mean to her and was patient’#or that my sister ‘didn’t know how to wash her right’ so it was always a ‘treat’ when I did (which I did often after hearing that)#or that I was the only who’d make/get her food that she liked to eat and spoiled her #idk I could keep on but it feels like I’m trying too hard to justify what my sister said wasn’t true #idk maybe i just want a reminder. somewhere to look at in case I ever doubt myself again

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foxgloveinspace · 9 months

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(X)

@excelsior9173

👋🏻

Thanks for this comment, but it’s a bit more complicated then that. Thank you for the words, they meant a lot. Our situations are different tho, but grief is still grief.

I didn’t actually know my grandma tho. So I’m probably going to give it back to my uncle (who just gave it to me on Sunday) so he can make it into the display he wanted. I think it would mean more to him since it’s not playable, to be able to have his mom’s accordion on display. Maybe one day it’ll come back to my possession, and I’ll get it fixed, but for now, I don’t have the space for two, and it’ll be much much cheaper to buy a new one. (It’s over 2k to get one fixed from what I’ve seen, and even tho it probably only needs maintenance, itd still be so expensive for being about 60 years old and there not being a place to get it repaired around me).

(May your dads guitars hold tune for generations to come. I genuinely hope and wish they last and last to the point that your great grand kids will be able to play them)

#I didn’t want to start playing because of her. I had actually forgot she played until my sister reminded me when I told her I wanted to play #it was just a little…. thing that I would be able to play hers. I might keep one of the books and play from it when I get one.#but really. I feel like I don’t deserve to have it anyway. I didn’t know her.#sorry if I’m over stepping with my last little thing but I didn’t want to leave that unsaid I genuinely wish this for you.

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violentdevotion · 2 years

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I had multiple dreams last night.

I had a bf </3

someone in my family got bit by a zombie </3

some guy made me explain narrative structure to him </3