#this bit was literally fucked up beyond belief i made a new follower look at it and they were like wow that's screwed up

[entirelysein-e]

『 Tentacles 』

☼ synopsis: Mahito loves to experiment on you simply because you let him - loving how he pushes past your limits and pleasures you beyond belief.

☼ character: Mahito

☼ wc: 2.6k

☼ cw: DARK CONTENT! fem!reader, afab!reader, sub!reader, slapping, dacryphilia, clit slapping, bondage, tentacles, choking, throat fucking, spitting, humiliation, degradation, penetration with tentacles, anal, overstimulation, womb fucking, squirting

☼ notes: I'm bringing this cursed piece back because I miss my skrunkly rat 🫡

Mahitos eyes went wide when he saw the way you were looking right at him instead of through him like everyone else. He knew right that moment that you will be his, if you want to or not so he gave you a silly grin while waving at you. Talking to him was so easy, he would always have interesting topics to discuss for hours as time flew by whenever you two hung out, always listening to you, always agreeing with you without making it too obvious but before you knew it you were craving his company. You fell so hopelessly in love with the man who did nothing but sweet talk you, luring you in and giving you a sense of being heard and seen along with this false sense of security - his plan worked. He's not a master of manipulation for nothing, not even surprised that you were seeking out his attention all the time, almost addicted to it like a lost puppy.

The fact that he wasn't human didn't even surprise you when he broke the news to you, already aware that he was a little different from your average man but you never once minded, finding it quite appealing actually. Mahito’s lighthearted attitude along with his dumb jokes never failed to make you smile, always pushing you to your limits or having you be the butt of the jokes. It was playful banter to you, an experiment of how far he can take it for him. Testing you… you were never more than just an experiment to him, while you called him your boyfriend in such a loving way it always amused him. Your giggles lit up his heart but he wouldn't admit it, blaming it on everything but you. He's a curse after all, made out of hatred… he can't love.

It was just a question of time until he took these little experiments into the bedroom though and before you knew it, you found yourself pushed far past your limits but his sweet encouragement in your ears made it bearable. “You're taking me so well. Just a little bit more, cupcake” he chuckled and rubbed little circles on your clit to distract you from the almost unbearable pain he caused with his slaps to your thighs and ass - skin painfully sore to the point where it's bleeding. But you were his good girl, his perfect little human, you didn't want to disappoint him so you took everything he had to give despite your cheeks being stained with tears. Seeing you this broken, eyes all red and puffy from crying and far out of your comfort zone got him hard like nothing else, knowing he had you in the palm of his hand like a little puppet he can control made him feel invincible. The orgasm that followed was earth shattering, little slaps to your over sensitive clit gave you a high like never before after getting edged for hours on end, drooling on yourself and the bed beneath from the exhaustion and barely noticing how Mahito cleaned you up with utmost care, bandaging the wounds he caused before kissing each of them. “Can't have you breaking from this… you did so well for me” he praised while wrapping you in a fuzzy blanket and cupping your cheek to prevent you from moving while he kissed your forehead with a tender kiss. The collar around your neck jingled when you moved to cuddle up to the curse, a tired smile spreading over your lips at the reminder that you're his and he is yours - your name carved into his soul and there to remain.

You didn't need to know that even if you ever used the safeword, he wouldn't stop. It just existed to give you this false sense of security but worry not, he would never quite literally split you in half. Mahito was so much sweeter with you than with any of his experiments before, adoring you for the way you wanted his love so badly, how you humiliated yourself just to get some words of praise from him. All you were to him was a little project to study humans on, liking to see your reactions to various things and how you seemed to mind it less whenever he encourages you, how the unbearable pain suddenly became bearable with simple praise never failed to make him laugh, how desperate you cling onto his words to guide you out of it and towards your sweet reward for being such a good little human to him. He could own you and you would thank him for it, making him feel like a god.

This was your mistake - trusting him to never take it too far, that he's doing this for your pleasure rather for his curiosity but this mistake is what made you end up in this delicate situation. Your hands were tied behind your back, a spreader bar preventing your legs from closing as Mahito manhandled you onto all fours, a sickenly sweet smile on his face when you just let him move you the way he desired, not thinking much of this since he does this a lot. Your eyes locked for a moment while he caressed your cheek with his hand until something changed…

You tried jerking your head away when you felt these cold and slimy appendages slither over your cheek instead of his beautiful slender fingers you loved to feel on your body. “Hold still now, bunny. You don't want to get hurt… or worse, now do you? He asked in a playful tone, letting his fingers - now tentacles slither over your face and neck. Tears started forming in your panicked eyes, the sensation of tentacles on your skin new and frightening when they slowly started choking you. Mahito was laughing menacingly as he watched a fresh wave of fear mixed with disgust wash over your face when one of the appendages slithered over your lips which you pressed into a thin line. “You need to open that little mouth of yours… or i might let them go through your nose” He hummed in amusement, proving his point by letting one of them move towards your Nostril. Your head was shaking violently from side to side, panic increasing as your tears streamed down your cheeks in thick streams now and he sighed, one tentacle pushing into your nostril to let your know he was serious while a look of disappointment started forming on his face - His once so obedient little human suddenly refused him.

Every single hair on your body was standing from the feeling which caused you to reluctantly open your mouth, the tentacle immediately removing itself from your nose and slithering over your lips, slowly ascending into your awaiting mouth. Your body was repulsed by it, gagging wildly at the salty taste the slime left behind on your poor tongue, making sure to rub itself all over your wet muscle so you had no other choice but to taste it. “Look at you, taking it like a good girl. Now close your pretty lips around it, treat it like my cock you love so much” He chuckled but it turned into a laugh when you were pleading him not to make you do this but Mahito wasn't asking you, he was demanding so you behaved like his good little human and did what he wanted, sucking on the tentacle as if its his cock. It took everything inside of you not to gag when you felt a second one slide into your mouth and down your throat, moans from your lover filling your ear when he saw how beautifully your throat was bulging from the intrusion until he decided you had enough, taking the tentacles out of your mouth and kissing you forceful, his tongue invading your mouth like the slimy tentacles did just seconds ago.

His face showed pure euphoria upon tasting your saliva mixed with the salty taste of his tentacles. His kiss distracted you from the way his other hand transformed now too, letting slender tentacles slither over your naked body that was at his mercy until you couldn't ignore the cold sensation anymore, crying out for him to stop but still not using your safeword, which would have been useless regardless. Mahito positioned himself behind you, your ass still propped in the air, your face now resting against the mattress. Wet tentacles slowly slithered over the globes of your ass and along your thigh, ultimately resting at your folds to pull them apart, giving your lover a perfect view of your pretty slit. “Look at you, little pet. Crying and screaming but your cunt is drenched” he mused, smirking at your miserable frame before spitting onto your core that was fully on display for him which made you whimper out of humiliation, feeling his saliva along with your juices slowly dribble down your thighs and staining the mattress beneath you. He was right - it felt disgusting and you wanted it to stop but at the same time it felt so good to be forced into submission by him, letting him do everything he wanted to your body. Unbeknownst to you, a moan slipped out of your lips when one of the tentacles slowly wound itself through your folds, missing every sensitive spot on purpose. This made Mahitos wolfish grin spread further, the tentacle stopping dead in its tracks, resting right next to your bundle of nerves. “What a naughty little thing you are, bunny. Enjoying this like a needy slut” He whispered the degradation in your ear before wiggling the slimy appendage over your clit in a barely there touch, making you cry out from the weird, yet intense sensation.

The way your juices mixed with the slime of the tentacle caressing your clit made it unbearable to you, whines and moans cascading out of your mouth in a desperate way, needing a little more to tumble over the edge than just the feather light touch but Mahito heard your prayers, the slimy appendage now adding more pressure to your sensitive clit, making your jaw slack with a silent scream. The wetness of it aided as lube, easily flicking over the nub until it had you screaming out loud in pleasure, the knot in your abdomen finally snapping and Mahito laughed at the mix of emotions on your face, pleasure and disgust when you realized just what gave you this mind blowing orgasm and that this would not be the end. Your fears were correct when you felt four tentacles play with your entrance, taking turns on slipping in the tiniest bit until two of them slithered in to spread your cunt open, opening you up for the third one. A scream escaped you, begging him to stop but it was only amusing him further, letting the tentacle grow in girth as it slowly pushed itself inside of you. You felt every nub inside of your walls and the way it wiggled inside you let you feel things you've never felt before. “There you go. Give up your little fight… accept the pleasure it brings” Mahito cooed, feeling the way you slowly stopped clenching around the tentacle, making it much easier

To slip it further inside of you, the two smaller ones which spread you open slowly joined the thicker one and stretching you further than you've ever experienced.

Your jaw hung wide open at this sensation, one tentacle pressing against your sweet spot as the other two rubbed against your walls and prodding at your cervix to give you pleasure. With your eyes closed you slowly allowed the sensations to make you feel good, another tentacle playing with your clit again had you whimpering for more, growing greedier by the minute. “Awh are three inside of you not enough?” your lover teased and slid another one back into your mouth to fuck your throat but this time you welcomed it, sucking on it like a pacifier. It muffled your moan when you felt another tentacle enter your stretched cunt, but there was no pain, the little appendage rubbing your nub made sure you're enjoying it all as two more sucked and pulled on your hardened nipples. Pure ecstasy spread through your body, moaning loudly around the tentacle in your mouth but your eyes shot wide open when you felt another small one massage the ring of muscles at your ass, slowly prodding into your puckered hole. “I can't believe you let a disgusting tentacle take your little anal virginity, aren't you disgusted by it? By yourself for feeling this much pleasure?” Mahito asked sinister as he pushed it further into your behind but you only shook your head - it didn't hurt and you the disgust was long gone. You knew he didn't mean it, he loved the way you were so eager to please him by letting him do everything to you, he would never shame you for feeling pleasure since that's exactly what he wanted, for his little experiment to discover new pleasure and the way you slowly succumb to it.

The torturous assault of tentacles lasted hours, your holes stretched and your poor body begging for a break from the continuous orgasms Mahito brought you with his newest experiment. “Give me one more and I'll let you rest” he cooed, pushing against your sweet spot repeatedly with a smaller tentacle as the thick one nestled itself into your womb, making you feel as full as never before. It was enough to have you screaming until your voice was hoarse and with a last flick against your clit he had you squirting all over the bed again, taking one tentacles after the other out of your abused cunt until only one remained on your clit along with the other inside of your behind. “I need to see you break, bunny. Think you can cum again just from this?” He asked, nibbling at your neck while one of the slimy appendages kept rubbing your clit as the other one thrusted into your puckered hole. Your head was shaking violently, overstimulated to the point where it started to be painful but you still didn't use the safe word and allowing him to continue with this torture until he had his fill from seeing you cum over and over just from the anal penetration until you passed out.

You don't know how long you were gone but your legs were aching, your holes sore which reminded you that this wasn't a nightmarish wet dream - it really happened and you felt like crying when Mahito pulled you closer into his arms. “Did we go too far today, my bunny? Does your tiny body need a break?” He cooed in a fake sympathy but you still appreciated his care, nuzzling your face into his chest to return to the safe space in his arms. You knew he didn't want to hurt you and he didn't, at least not physically. “You did so well for me today… such a good girl. My perfect little human” he whispered as he played with your hair, hoping you can fall asleep soon since he already cleaned you up while you were unconscious. Mahito may be a curse created out of hatred, unable to love but he felt something towards you, something that runs deeper than just his curiosity - your name was carved into his soul after all.

Networks: @pixelcafe-network @interstellar-inn @houseofsolisoccasum

[taptroupe]

finally we are here. EVERGRACE CHAPTER 10 PART 3 LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but this time it’s actually serious

i even  made an animated visual this time!

but this kinda spoils the later part of the chapter so please enjoy it once you reach the part in my tumblr post. thank you. also warning this is pretty fucked up and violent and has slight implications of asphyxiation maybe

“So, Morpheus is up there, right?”

“Yes. We’ll be taking a gondola from near here, and then climb a stairway to get to him.”

“Guess it would be tiring to walk the whole way.”

“[something someting] it’s a normal stairway, but it goes up this hollowed out tower, and many parts of this tower are still untouched [think this was mentioned over in the second part in fact]”

“And Morpheus is at the very top?”

“Yes.”

“Man, he must really enjoy that God complex.”

“I’m not sure about that... The Tower’s peak is the closest to the outside world, after all. The Cycle...”

As soon as the word “Cycle” left her mouth, she gasped and looked at Darius.

[...or did Darius gasp, leading to Medina to stare at him?]

“If he were to free this world, captured by the Cycle... That’s certainly a fitting place to do it, wouldn’t it?”

“Are you saying my country’s been caught up by this Cycle?” of course orlaidnfids is saying this bit

“That’s what I remember hearing, but... I’m not sure of myself.”

wellll once they got down the stairs they saw the funny looking pillars of the soaring tower. you know the ones you brute force the fuck out of lol i sure did

As they descended to the end of the stairway, they came across some strange pillars. The four evenly spaced round pillars were of white, red, green, and blue. And at the wall nearby was a door that certainly wouldn’t be opened by hand.

“if it hasn’t changed, then this should work...”

Medina stood near the colourless pillar, and like she had hit the leaf relief, fired palmira actions at the coloured pillars from her arm. [must be her alcrest powers]

Red fire Palmira. Green leaf palmira. Blue Ice Palmira. 

Then all the lights turned off, including the colourless pillar. And once more, Medina launched leaf palmira at the green pillar, turning it on again. And the colourless pillar turned green toooooooooo........ AND THE DOOR OPENED WOW EVERGRACE WIKI GET YOUR WALKTRHOUGHS HERE LOL

“alright everyone get in and ride this bad boy”

medina ushered the two guys into the small room that opened up. there was a lever near the wall and she activated it, closing the door. with a small bump, the lights in the room dimmed, and started to move or something

“So this is... A gondola, huh?”

Darius asked without a shred of ill will, as he looked around the room. Medina couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“First time?”

“Not like that, but I mean... Rieubane is pretty amazing. We haven’t reached this kind of technology in the time period where I come from.”

“Time period?” orlainde and Medina both ask.

“Right, in the place where I come from... Rieubane’s already been destroyed for 100 years now. How I’m here, how this can all still be here... I don’t really understand it.”

“Ah, Sharline did talk about the Darius who was a young boy... Perhaps time’s been shifted between the outside and in here.”

Medina continued on.

“In this closed country, perhaps we’ve been left behind by the passage of time.”

“It’s been a year since that incident that our country was blocked off, right? And you said that it’s been a hundred years out here... So perhaps, a day here equals 100 days outside.”

oralindade did the math. I did the math. This is his math. could it be? 100 days outside means 1 day inside?

if sharline and darius are separated by 13 years, then... that is 4745 days outside, but converted into rieubane days that’s like, almost 50 days! but didn’t the others say sharline was only there a few days ago?! not over a month...?!

“What did you say?! Wait, my friends... No, the starving villages and cities...!”

“Hey, hey, it’s just something I thought up! It’s just a guess.... Gah!”

The gondola stopped with a sudden, loud noise. The three were probably knocked to the ground, and Medina looked at the gondola with a worrying glance.

“This is the first time this has happened...”

Medina pulled the lever and opened the door to a dark room.

“looks like the plans have changed. it seems to have stopped lower than usual.”

“So, we can’t go up?”

“No, this is the highest point. We’ll walk from here.”

[i wonder what she meant by that? is this the appropriate destination? probably the “first time” bit was how it stopped suddenly perhaps.]

Darius stepped out and looked carefully around the room. No sign of monsters, but the sound of the wind outside the tower could be heard from far away. There was a door-like opening with an arch, with rubble strewn about.

“If we continue in from here, we’ll reach the beginning of the staircase.”

As Medina continued onward, she was stopped suddenly by Darius.

“Thanks, but... I have a bad feeling about this. You should walk behind us.”

this WHOLE bit about describing a room is so hard. i’m just gonna machine translate this and pray to god. it’s like a room.. it’s dusty... fanshaped with weird things everywhere..... experimentation tools like the room of the legendary mercenary... two doors split off, and there’s a tower with an iron grate near the centre of the room... idk there’s a light near the back, and an open door near there too. this is alot and i can’t even figure out where this is in the game. SORRY LOOK OKAY LOOK GUYS HERE’S

Going through the strange doorway, Darius follows a narrow dark path. He motions for orsdfjsdfds and Medina to stop as he peers through the iron grate. I can kinda understand the layout of the room now hahaha

A glowing bluewhite pillar stands in the middle of the room. There are female soldiers with blonde hair and purple skin standing side by side or something.

you know. them

beyond the female soliders was a transparent like wall, like the one they saw in the human laboratory. and beyond that wall was a girl sitting on her knees - a girl with red hair.

with a gasp, darius pulled back from the grate.

“darius, what’s wrong?”

orladin rushed to him, with quiet footsteps. darius replied back in an equally hushed tone.

“it’s sharline.”

“huh? just by herself?”

“It seems like it. she’s in a... strange tube while the soldiers stand around it.”

SHARLINE IN THE TUBE WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now you may watch the video at the top of the page.

“that’s an experimental cell and transfer device that my grandfather made, and those are ‘ferugu’ patrolling around it - also made by my grandpappy”

orlsjfid looked around the room the three were in. 

“hey, there’s a lever on this wall. will this open the grate?”

“i haven’t been here often, so i’m not sure...”

“how about this one..?”

darius notices another lever on the wall opposite.

“i really don’t know, but... perhaps if we both activate the levers, the grate might open up, then.”

“We’ll try it. I’ll be counting on you two.” Darius says, warhammer in hand, already facing the grates.

orladidifns stands near one of the levers, waiting. and asks:

“so.... how did morpheus activate this grate, when it takes two people?”

“i don’t think he’d really have a reason to come here. and if he did have something here, the transfer device would’ve taken sharline up to his experimental lab, anyhow.”

“i see...”

“i wonder if sienna is nearby?” “we’ll probably figure it out as we go up.”

oljskfjksf stands silently near the lever now.

“the first plan of action will be to rescue sharline, right?”

“right, otherwise she might be transferred away.”

[koitsu wa ugokan darou was hard to understand but i think that’s it. the alternative is that he’s referring to darius just moving on from this debacle if they didn’t wanna save sharline lol]

cranking the levers to a steady rhythm, the grate slowly rose up from its position, and darius followed the path briskly (worried that the grate might unexpectedly fall on him haha). and in no time at all, the female soldiers took notice of him and readied their swords.

darius kinda like. deflected some of their attacks because they’re pretty slow? might’ve dodged a few by ducking. ignoring their sluggish moves, darius turns and runs to where sharline is.

『Darius!』

i thought it was an interesting choice to have double quotes like that so i’m keeping it in and i’m lazy to figure out how to localize that emphasis for an english audience. bbut the following line makes sense as to why.

across the shimmering wall, a muffled voice could be heard. sharline hit the wall with her fists, trying to break free. darius shouted.

“Get back!”

seeing the warhammer in his hand, sharline backed up against the wall. with a tight grip, darius swung at the light wall, shattering it into pieces. 

it was for a moment, but the shattered pieces seemed to glitter as they danced in the air. 

At the moment, a heavy thud reverberated. A sound much like the dropping of a grate. 

Followed by Medina’s cries.

“Darius, behind you!” Sharline shouted.

darius swung around and could notice the panicked faces of medina and olksjfsjf beyond the grates. olskfjlsfjlsf seemed to be shouting something that he couldn’t make out. and furthermore, the female soliders were getting up, ready to face him again.

But at that moment, darius felt a familiar warmth against his back.

“I just knew you’d come to save me, Darius.”

Sharline smiled, with a smile wide enough to reach her ears. 

A cold smile, as her arms dug into Darius’s neck.

“Under my master’s command, I stayed here all nice and put. Y’see, my master really wants to see the Crest up close... So why don’t you come with me?”

It was Sharline’s voice, yet what came out of her mouth wasn’t anything like Sharline at all.

[use of omae below]

“You... You’re.... What monster are you...?”

“I’m Sharline.”

It was like some kind of inhuman strength fought against Darius as he struggled to break free. A strange pattern emerged from the sparkling debris of the cage, marking the ground with its shape...

Darius hesitated for a moment before he closed his eyes shut, and struck Sharline’s torso with his elbow.

It was like hitting rock. She continued to press on.

>be me >at the soaring tower >bringing my comrade and a nice lady who lives here to the top floor >sees my sis in a tube >she’s super weird >asked her specifically to get back so i wouldn’t accidentally hit her >she’s free of the tube >we get out, things are looking better >she busts out the stranglehold >mfw

just wanted to the lighten the mood with a funny thing based off a tweet liv made once. back to work

He scrambled to find his knife, but his fingers only touched an empty sheath - a thought arose in Darius’s frantic mind, that the knife must’ve fallen out during his battle with the Legendary Mercenary.

“You know, if you thrash around like that, it’s only gonna be pain for you. Y’see, there’s only one thought in this head of mine - and that’s to kill any naysayers. Sooo, if you don’t come along with me, I’m just gonna tear you to bits like that!”

[lots of wa and yo and no and ne suffixes here. like much more than usual, and sharline’s speech pattern is really cheerful and interjected with bits of things. in short, Energetic Elder Sister Of Kill]

The female soldiers approached them, with sword in hand. Darius tried to swing them away with his warhammer, but a thin hand pulled his arm back with the strength of iron shackles.

“I just wanted to get you there quickly safe and intact, you know... If you’re not going to listen to me, I guess I can’t expect you to act like a grownup either, huh?”

With a giggle and a smile, the monster that took on Sharline’s shape tightened her grasp around Darius’s neck.

Darius tried to use the momentum to lunge to the side, hoping to knock Sharline to the ground, but her feet would simply not leave the floor - as if planted to the ground.

“Oh yes, your friends are over there, aren’t they? But you probably won’t make it in time.” 

Using his one free hand, he tried to grab the sword of the nearby soldiers, but it was no use... Palmira actions wouldn’t work either, at such a close range... 

Darius readied his warhammer as the female warrior swung down her sword. But, at that moment, something behind the warrior swung and struck it, sending the warrior flying.

Behind that warrior, in front of where the grates were, was a strange figure cloaked in black armor with a large knife.

All Sharline could let out was an “Eh?”

Darius, shaking free of her momentarily slack arms, plunges the sword into her, channeling Palmira power into the blade. Though the attack landed, he feels a dull impact at the tip of the sword, and the recoil sends him back. His armor makes sparks against the ground, and his back is er.... the skin peels off his back, it probably really hurts that’s kinda a lot of detail novel

But with the power of luck, Darius pushes the sword in deeper, and finishes the monster off. Sharline staggers backwards, shrieking some noise that could never come from a human... 

you know i don’t actually get the intricacies of this bit here and i’m here to write about darius and sharline being best friends not to see them beat each other to death so i’m freeballing it. contact me if this pisses you off somehow

darius lands a hit with the warhammer to her collarbones, her red hair seems to fly, and sharline crashes into a white pillar and falls. it was as if the red hair fell out in bundles, skin like porcelain and i’m not digging how she’s described as white skin and thin arms at all but this bit at least it implies it’s porcelain BECAUSE SHARLINE’S SKIN IS CRACKING AND PEELING OFF 

it was like reddish-brown sand scattered and spilled to the ground, like a leather pouch deflated on the ground. and as if a dust of white fog, sharline’s clothes  and the mountain of sand it rested on...   all disappeared.... 

My God. Fucked Up Bit. this is going out because it’s already plenty long. DAMN

THANKS SNAZZ FOR HELPING WITH THE “DARIUS TRIES TO THROW SHARLINE TO THE GROUND” BIT THOUGH

[lochnessies]

ok here’s a dissection of a post an anon sent me the link to and bc i have the worst time management possible and i completely forgot i had it lol so sorry anon here you go ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

I am constantly thinking about how Edelgard just doesn’t seem designed to appeal to cishet men.

i hate to be the one to break this news to you op but just because a character doesn’t show skin like charlotte fire emblem doesn’t mean she isn’t designed to pander to men. she’s very much designed to pander to the (majority straight male) player base with her ‘uwu i only trust you professor omg did u see that rat? pls don’t look at my painting of you uwu’.

then there’s the whole edelgard c support in japanese where byleth makes reference to having come to her room for ‘yobi’ which is

there’s also the scene where byleth can make an unsolicited comment about edelgard’s breast size. which is… uhh… gross.

edelgard also has cipher cards that go from slightly fanserviceie to full on suggestive

and also her breast armor that my sister relentlessly mocked lol

and here’s a chart from the 3h subreddit about gender/sexually in regards to edelgard and edeleth. it’s extremely straight male. op might have just overlooked this since they probably don’t go on reddit and stay on tumblr (which unlike reddit is mostly female and has a high lgbt demographic).

Like the joke is that Bleagles is the Gay House, but everything about her feels deliberately non-hetero.

i don’t like where this is going…

She’s dressed in sharp outfits covering her upper body, with proportions that don’t seem exaggerated.

so women who cover up must be lgbt because straight women are naturally more revealing? oh y i k e s

Her poise and the way she effortlessly flourishes her axe exhibits an air of coolness. While titties out =/= character of no substance, Edelgard being dressed more modestly suggests that she wasn’t designed with male-centred fanservice in mind.

“titties don’t equal no substance but here’s my post on how she has more substance because she doesn’t show titties” ok

And she still looks absolutely stunning in her more modest attire (like seriously, I haven’t felt the need to return to cosplay in years but I want to do her academy look so bad). 

yes she does. amazing design 10/10. i have a feeling this is the only part i’m going to agree with

Edelgard is intense. She does not mince her words and she is constantly evaluating you. Though she tries, she has a difficult time understanding her peers initially. Early on, she talks about how she would sacrifice herself and others in the name of some greater good. She is terrible at communicating with her peers. She has to be seen as infallible. Her heart has been hardened for years and she assumes she has to stay that way. She also assumes everyone mourns the same way she does - which is why she (kind of insensitively) insists you move on when Jeralt dies. Because to her, grief has to be channeled towards action, or else you’ll get lost in it. This attitude is demonstrated time and time again as she presses on. It can make her come off as cold and unfeeling - but look closer, and she’s anything but.

don’t really have anything to say at this part. it is pretty on the nose though i would slightly disagree with that last sentence a bit. i wouldn’t say she’s as i feeling as hubert is but all of her talks of the war boil down to how she feels and never her victims.

Her story is ultimately about her realizing that to achieve her goals, she needs to let people in and allow herself to want things like cakes and tea parties and lazy days in peace. 

????? what ????? her goals include imperialism, ethnic and religious targeting. her story is about having a set of beliefs and mowing down anybody who stands in her way. that has nothing to do with tea, friends, and lazy days. also am i supposed to be sad that she has to get up everyday and work? i do that and i didn’t start a war and only throw a pity party for myself

The game leaves the player guessing as to how involved the Flame Emperor was in each Part I event, makes you feel hurt by her betrayal, and leaves you with a choice: do you follow the orders of the woman who tried to make you a god without your consent, or a young girl with questionable morals about to throw the world into upheaval?

this isn’t an ideal situation but i think i’m going to stick with the woman who tried to make me a god since i’m not selfish and i know it’s not only my desires and life at stake here. plus the green hair slaps ngl

Choosing her of your own volition (not for completionist reasons) requires the basic ability to sympathize with a woman’s pain. It also requires the player to read beyond her unwavering will and dubious methods to get a sense of how deep that pain goes and how the theme of humanity relates to her differently in each route.

i’m not going to touch this since @nilsh13 made a post on it that i’ll link here. i agree with everything he said so to repeat it would be redundant.

The player must be able to see a young woman’s desperate resolve to change the world so it stops exploiting people and ruining lives. They must be able to accept the fact that women can make the same morally wrong and ambivalent decisions that complicated male characters get to make all the time and still be the one to root for.

literally the same reason i love rhea lol her goddess experiments are dubious at best but her reasons are the same you mentioned. i would say that i like this quality in edelgard too if her ending, while bloody, actually ended in a good outcome for fodlan.

This is not unique to LGBT+ people, but this population is likely to understand why Edelgard feels so strongly about why she has to change the system. 

i understand wanting to change a system, i really do. like edelgard, i’m an opinionated bisexual woman (who’s also physically disabled) so yeah i get it. and change can be good but it can also be terrible. even if the church was the boogeyman edelgard treats it as she still replaces it with her own shit regime. so it’s the same circus just with a new conductor.

I don’t think “Edelgard gets undue criticism because she’s a woman” captures the full picture. An important aspect of her treatment by certain parts of the fandom is that she’s a radical woman.

or maybe she does some pretty fucked up shit and it goes unacknowledged in her own route. and yeah she’s radical but in all the worst ways.

Her hatred of the Church and the Crest system resonates way harder with people who have been hurt by institutions that are deeply engrained in our society. 

and what about people who have been hurt by systems where their ‘merit’ didn’t measure up and they were left behind? what about people from nations that experienced imperialism?

Siding with her means siding against the Church - which, while different from real world religious institutions, still invokes language about “sin” and “punishment.

yeah the ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ are used in relation to attempted murders which i think everybody can agree is a bad thing that needs to be condemned.

Choosing Edelgard will likely hit different if homophobic and transphobic Christians used that rhetoric against you.

it has literally nothing to do with ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ in regards to being gay or trans. that’s you projecting. especially since the church has 2 canon gay characters and two coded ones.

like i can understand why having a church condemn you can be uncomfortable but i’m begging you to please look at the context of what’s happening.

I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that the reason F/F Edeleth is the more popular iteration of that ship because most people who would choose to S-support Edelgard are LGBT+ themselves. This is not a revelation. To anyone in the community, it’s fairly obvious. 

i was talking to nilish and he said

so yeah… while there is definitely sapphic femleth shippers out there, there’s still a whole lot of weird fetishizing going on from straight men about edelgard.

Crimson Flower was my first route. I went into the game knowing absolutely nothing. I played it during the last week of 2020 and hoo boy was it cathartic. 

i can tell. this wasn’t supposed to be a dig but it came out that way and i’m not taking it out.

I felt like I was living out a gay revolution power fantasy, where I could truly change systems of oppression while fighting alongside a group of troubled students I’d shaped the lives of.

so a gay revolution power fantasy (cringe) goes hand in hand with imperialism and installing a dictatorship? also the war had nothing to do with sexuality.

Through your unwavering support, Edelgard learns that she needs to be human, that she must listen to her friends, and that she’s allowed to enjoy the world she’s creating.

edelgard gets to learn how to be human all while hunting those who don’t. and she doesn’t listen fo her friends. she doesn’t even trust them. she’s willing to talk to byleth but keep the people who’s been by her side for five years in the dark about everything. and yeah she gets to enjoy her new words since she’s on top. hate to be a commoner under her rule after she burned down my village in her war.

I love this character so much.

clearly. and i honestly don’t care if somebody likes her. i do as well even if my sometimes scathing words can make it seem otherwise.

It has been six months since I first played and I am still analyzing her,

me too. please help me escape i’m losing my mind

because there’s so much depth. Yet so many people fail to see that depth and dismiss her as evil,

i mean, she does some fucked up shit that goes beyond any of the less than desirable actions of the other main characters and does an extremely poor job in trying to make herself seem innocent. i personally don’t think she’s pure evil but i completely understand where the people who say she is are coming from.

because they never had the will to understand complicated women in the first place. 

that’s big talk from somebody who implies that a gay pope is comparable to homophobic and transphobic irl religions and that leads an oppressive regime all because she uses the vague terms of sin and punishments that you have to gay power fantasy your way out of

[tipsydipsydo]

➳ "On your knees, Bitch!"

➳ "Be a good girl and don't make a sound."

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader

Gender of the Reader: female

Word Count: 1k

Rating: 18+

Genre: Smut!

Warnings: Dirty Language + Dirty Talk; Jealousy; Insecurities; some vibes of Dom-/Sub-Themes; Misbehaviour (in Namjoon's point of view); Name-Calling; Petnames; Daddy-Kink; Commanding; Degradation; Punishment; Oral (m); Face-Fucking; Gagging; Choking; Deepthroat; Mentions of unprotected vaginal Sex (please stay safe!)

A/N: Sorry anonie that it tooks so damn long to write your ask! 😅💕 I hope you like it~

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「© tipsydipsydo」

This following story is my intellectual property and belongs only to my blog tipsydipsydo.tumblr.com!

I’ll not accept any kind of reposting, stealing or using/editing my work!

That includes reposting my content on other social media platforms too, even when you link me as the original author.

Thank you.

Namjoon knows it's Summer and especially this week it's hot as fuck out there, the heat wave is nearly unbearable. But that's not an excuse for you to wear that specific white blouse with the deep cutout, with this black, lacey bralette under there. It literally shines in all his seductive details through the thin fabric of your linen shirt!

If not already this made Namjoon discontent about your outfit, then it's ultimately your very short pair of hot pants. And when Namjoon means 'very short', he speaks about really fucking super short!

The very bottom of your buttcheeks are on display for everyone to look at and it's freaking obviously how the twp of the youngest of the group are staring at you.

In the corner of his right eye he sees how Jimin runs his fingers through his hair and licks his lips, playing with all his sex-appeal to catch your attention. His pendant who is named Jungkook is standing on the left side of the room and chews on his lower lip, his Adam's apple is bobbing nervously.

Usually Namjoon is not someone who gets jealous, overprotective or even a bit posessive easily. Not at all! Honestly he dislikes such feelings and behaviours in general but especially towards womens. He hate the thought to get mad about something so stupid like your outfit. But he can't help himself, especially not today.

The whole day was awful beyond belief, nothing, really nothing worked out. In the morning, the track of the Rap Line should be "officially" finished. Well, he isn't finished and the cause of problem is Namjoon himself. There is this fucking one line in his part where his tongue begin to stumble and he's falling out of the flow, end up stuttering the rest of the verse. No matter how often he repeats the verse and train the combination of words, it didn't work.

As if that's not worse enough, the new dance choreography is the hell for Namjoon. He's always falling somewhere in the step routine out of the rythm and with it, always two seconds behind the others. It reached the point that Namjoon's self-confidence started to crumble piece for piece. He got more insecure about his abilities with every dance routine he messed up. And now, his super talented band members starts to flirt with his girlfriend in front of his eyes, giving her compliments for her "nice" outfit.

Something snaps in Namjoon.

"Y/N? Can I talk with you alone? Under four eyes?", he asks you in rather harsh, serious tone.

You're confused, nodding slowly. But Namjoon already grabbed your wrist and directs you to the door. In fast and powerful steps he drags you the hallway down until he stopped abruptly and pulls you into an empthy meeting room. After he closed and locked the door, he turns around to you.

"On your knees, Bitch!"

You almost choke on your own spit. What the heck is wrong with Namjoon to insult you with such words out of the blue?! You don't know anything you could have made wrong besides maybe coming a bit too early where the boys are still in training. But that's not an excuse, hell no, literally nothing is an exuse to be so disrespectful to someone!

"What the-", you want to start but your boyfriend cut you off.

"Kneel."

Namjoon's hard gaze shows you that he wouldn't appreciate a fight with you right now. After a second of processing his command, you close your mouth again.

It's really unusual for Namjoon to raise his voice against you and not being up for an clarifying discussion. Looks like he has his reasons for it.

Slowly you sink on your knees. Now you're on the same eye level with his crotch and his... half erected cock in his pants?

"Pull my sweats down and take care of the problem you've caused in this... okay, I'll be nice, in this questionable outfit. Especially when you know that Jimin and Jungkook are thirsty for you like two damn dogs in their rut.", he growls.

Aha, there is someone jealous. Namjoon hates the feeling of jealousy and this fact alone makes him even more angrier. Under this circumstances is his anger actually a little bit cute. You're feeling a lot more powerful than it may looks like for others. Why? Because you're the one who has to built Joonie's Ego up again.

With fast fingers you pull all this disruptive fabric down to his thigh and pumping him with a few strokes of your hand fully hard. Unsure what exactly he wants, if he just wants a Handjob and enjoying the feeling of power by the sight of your kneeling figure or if he really wants a blowjob, you look up to him with a little helpless eyes. Your look make him smirk.

"Take my fat cock down your throat until you're choking on him and tears streaming down your pretty face. I want to see you pretty make-up all messy and completey ruined by the tears of joy to gag on my thick crown. Is that clear?"

"Yes Daddy.", you answer obediently like the good girl you truly are.

It only takes ten minutes until he have you where he want to. Teary eyes, swollen lips, your spit is mixed with his precum and sticks uncomfortable to your chin while your mascara and eyeliner painted the tear streams down your cheeks dark. Your thorat is sore and swallowing hurts gradually. No joke, he really facefucked you without mercy.

Namjoon takes a deep breath to calm himself down, he didn't plan to cum on your tongue. He wants to fuck you. Surprisingly careful he pulls himself out of your mouth and grabbing your hand to help you up from your aching knees. The skin of his two palms meet gently your cheeks to give you a tender kiss.

"That's my precious and perfect little girl, taking and deepthroating Daddy's cock so well! Turn around and bend over the table. I'll fuck you hard and deep, shooting my creamy thick cum into your pussy and let it drip down your thighs. It'll soak so nicely through these disrespectful short pants while we're with the boys. Jimin and Jungkook should see that's my cum what's coming out of your tiny hole. But for that, you have to be a good girl and don't make a sound, yeah?", he wispers huskily from behind into your ear, grinding his hard cock so deliciously between your clothed asscheeks.

"Hm, yes... anything for Daddy."

"That's what I call my good girl."

[neverendingstories00]

Past The Point Of No Return (Ch.9/FINALE)

Pairing: Safin x F!Reader

Summary: You attempt to adjust back to your mundane lifestyle, but Safin still haunts you. Safin makes sure to let the world know that you are his and only his.

Word Count: 4.6k

Warnings: N/A

A/N: GUYS!! It's the final chappie...😖 Dw, there's an epilogue that is going to come very shortly. I know this has been short, but it's been a really fun ride. I promise to write more fics in the future. I might take a small break since school and that I've been writing non-stop for the past week and posting the chappies at like 3am. Anwyays, I stayed up until 2am to finish this for you guys. Your support and comments literally make my day so thank you once again! Hope you guys enjoy this ❣️❣️

MASTERLIST

Three months on that dreaded island, and the world hadn’t changed. M16 was still running, the protests still occurred, and you (surprisingly) were still alive. You returned to your old apartment and saw the desk where you had meet Safin, imaging the knife that was uncomfortable close to your neck. The way he had sniffed your hair and his nickname, clever girl, rolled off of his tongue. In your apartment, you always thought Safin was going to be waiting for you at every corner.

All of your family and friends were overjoyed seeing your alive. Your poor mother and sister sobbed as they held you close and gave a thousand thanks to M16. In those months you were gone, everybody was sure that you had died or were killed in a horrible manner. Your mother didn’t even want to know what you had gone through. Her arms were wrapped tightly around your body as her tears stained your shoulder,

“Just stay with me. Please.” Her broken voiced cracked. “I can’t lose you again, y/n.”

That had marked the first time you ever cried in front of your coworkers. You knew it was unprofessional, but after months of captivity, you were even more damaged then you were before. Being inside of your own body and clothes made you painfully uncomfortable. You constantly took showers and changed your clothes because everything reminded you of Safin. No longer could you wear in a braid since you lay on Safin’s chest and he’d unravel the braid, running his fingers as you two walked. All of the dresses in your closet you threw out, just looking at them made you think of the night after that dinner where Safin requested a kiss.

Even if it wasn’t there, he haunted you every second.

Safin had been locked away in M16’s underground emergency headquarters. Nomi reported that he was under constant surveillance. He was polite to most of the guards, requesting a copy of a Brave New World. It was absolutely bizarre, but they gave it to him. They tried to force information of out him, but he wouldn’t budge. No reason why he kidnapped you, wanted control over post-soviet countries, or any of the sadistic actions he had done. Upon seeing Bond, M, or any agent, he would ridicule and tear them down. It turned out the woman he had previously loved was Madeleine. He had attempted to create a clone with his and Madeliene’s blood but failed. Nobody had a single idea of what he was capable of. Not even you knew what Safin held. But all M16 knew was that he was a classified global threat that was taken down by his own prisoner. His downfall had begun after his capture. The protests had been contained by goverments and other international spy agencies. M had promised that he would never ever step within a mile of your location.

It all seemed too normal to be true.

The month following your return, you decided to get back into the line of action two weeks after your arrival. Your mother had voted against it, but you needed it more than anything. Anything to get Safin out your mind. Your first day in office was full of questions from all of your co-workers.

“What did he do to you?”

“What was Safin’s lair like?”

‘What was under the mask?”

You could never respond with the truth. The nights were he had fucked you with his tongue down your throat; your neck decorated in red marks. How he had married the two of you and took you on expensive shopping trips. The only people who knew of the truth were Nomi, Bond, and M. That was all. It all seemed like a drug trip gone wrong. After your first week back, the questions had gone down. Moneypenny would come to your desk with a report, a smile on her clear skin. “Welcome back, C”. It made you smile, taking the report and typing away. Being back to your mundane life was going to get taking use to it. No longer would you have nights of true pleasure in your life ever again. But it was for the better. You were utterly damaged beyond belief, but hid in deep in your body. Your broken, crippled soul.

Q had been one of your closest acquaintances in M16. Upon first meeting him, a rivalry was sparked between you two. Q had been deemed the smartest person in M16. With you, a stubborn and young recruit, he shook in his shoes. You thought he hated you at first, but he stated that he considered you a “boon companion”. The man spoke with such large words. You told him to simply call you a “friend”, and that is where your friendship that slowly began to grow.  

You knew you weren’t suppose to tell him, but you did. Every single bit of it. He would come over to your apartment every night with Chinese Food, listening with his Miso Soup as you explained your experience on the island. Q wasn’t one for gossip and you trusted him with all of the information you had told him. Not only was he a colleague, but a confidant.

The ring was minimanlistic gold band with thin, dainty diamonds. It was easy to miss. Q looked at your hand, examining the ring.

“You’re married to him?”

You nodded in response. “I am. He had a whole ceremony, and a priest held at gunpoint. I’ve taken the ring off…”

“Regardless, your still...married to him.” Q had seen some bizarre events over the years, but this was truly baffling. One of his friends was forcefully married to the world’s most feared anarchist.

“Do you think I wanted to be? I can’t forget about him. He’s still there..”

“In solitary confinement. He’s being guarded twenty-four seven. Safin isn’t going to be leaving anytime soon.” Q attempted to console. He was horrible with emotions. “I checked every database I could and tried to find any ties connected to him, but nothing came up. If they do, I’ll make sure to alert you of them.”

Holding the ring in your fingers, you spun it around. A sigh escaped your mouth. “Q, I...can’t. He..we..”

“He took advantage of you. All of the threats he had made were meant to scare you. I know you tried to fight back. Everything you had gone through...I apologize.” Q said, a hint of guilt in his voice. “Day and night, I tracked for your location. We thought Spectre had taken you. Safin had made sure there was no trace of you. Months prior, he had been planning this. He was obsessed with you. Only If I had kn-”

“I’m here now. I’m not leaving.” You confirmed, trying to sound confident. Safin couldn’t hurt you anymore. He was locked away, never to be shown to the world again. “Thanks to your and your little trick, I got out.”

“A prisoner bringing down her captor. That is quite impressive, C.”

“And I’ll do it again.” You promised. Q nodded in response, a sly smile on your face. He grabbed his Sake and the two of your cheered, drinking your sorrows away. Q wasn’t one for words. Whenever he grabbed his Sake, it was a silent reminder that your secrets were safe with him. Always.

-----

It all started with your period. Even before meeting Safin, your period was becoming spottier and came at late dates. You shrugged it out and thought nothing of it. But after your arrival home, not only did your mental health decline but so did your pyshical wellbeing. It all started with your frequent mood swings at work and home, causing sleepless nights. Your doctor prescribed you with bipolar medication, but it never worked. All it did was make you more paranoid and sensitive.

Your period came late. It was spotty and faint, and had disappeared two days later. Your heart beat was increasing, you breasts became larger as they ached, and you felt nauseous without getting sick. Those had been the major symptoms.

It wasn’t until you had fainted infront during a presentation that Q had decided it was best for you to go to a doctor. He had noticed the bags under your eyes, fatigue, and slight change in weight.

Inside of the doctor’s office, you looked down, rapidly tapping your foot. What the hell was happening to you? Were you truly going insane. Everything hurt so much.

Q placed his hand on your thigh, making the shaking stop. Looking over at him, your face was full of worry.

“He’ll put you on stronger medication, C. Your going to be fine.”

As you wanted to respond, the doctor opened the door and shut it behind him, looking at the papers as he tilted his glasses down.

Sitting up, you look at him, eager for an answear.  Your expectations were low for anything major. “What is the issue, docter?”

Sorting out his papers, he answered, “From your test, it appears that your...pregnant.”

The shaking stopped. Your breathing become lower as everything became blurry and muffled. Everything was numb. This was the last thing that you needed. It had to be a false test. There was no way you could be holding his child. It wasn’t possible.

“No...No…” You managed to mutter. Q looked over at you, pity in his eyes. “Please, I can’t do this,”

The doctor looked down at you, understanding your distress. He knew about who the father could potentially be.

“I’m sorry, I am..” He gulped as he shook his head. It didn’t seem like what he was going to tell you was good news.

“Your five months pregnant, y/n. It’s too late for an abortion.”

Everything dropped around you. Looking at your stomach, you felt disguetd with yourself. Inside your stomach, you were carrying his child. Safin’s offspring. Inside of your stomach was a growing monster.

The doctor interrupted, trying to make the best out of a positive situation. He said that you could give the child up to adoption and that he knew plenty of parents that wanted a child. All you did was want to leave the godawful place. A few short minutes later you had left with Q. Q barely spoke a word, seeing the disallief on your face.

Getting into Q’s Landrover, you close the door, looking straight foward.

“Q?” You muttered, turning to him.

He looked back at you, awaiting for your response.”Yes?”

“Is the office still open?”

Q furrowed an eyebrow, perplexed. “Why do you want to go at such a late hour?”

You looked at your stomach before looking back at Q.

“I have unfinished business I need to attend to.”

-----

Q had begged for you to reconsider, but you ignored him. You were furious, hurt, and upset. Not only at yourself, but Safin. He would always whisper in your ear that you were “past the point of no return”. After months of speculation, you finally knew why. Even if he was imprisoned, Safin had to mark you to let the world know that you were his and only his. It was all some sick and twisted plan.

Walking down into the emergency room, you entered the room and saw him, locked away in a glass cell. Safin looked the same, except he wore an nude jumpsuit. It had been two months since you had last saw him. His last, cold whisper with heartbroken eyes as he was dragged away. A subtle smile appeared on his face as he put his book down.

“My dear y/n, you’ve finally come to visit.” He greeted. “I was beginning to miss you.”

“YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE!” You screeched like a banshee. Attempting to bang on the glass cell doors, the guards help you back. “HOW DARE YOU!”

Safin raised one of his eyebrows, confused. He scalded y/n’s body, seeing the tired face and somewhat noticeable bump. She still looked like her beautiful self. But there was something rather off about her appearance. When on his island, y/n looked happier. Like she had been sleeping more, letting down his guard. But when she returned home, all of the happiness had evaporated from her body. Safin could’t hate the woman that betrayed him. After all, y/n was his wife.

“What you mean?” He queried. “Isn’t this what you wanted? Did’t you say you needed me?”

“Do you want this?” Safin panted, looking down at you. Seeing him on top of him, he’s truly a stunning man. His velvety voice was making you wet. Instead of sounding pissed off, he sounded calm and even caring.

“Shut up, please.” Your hand traveled to his cheek, gently patting it. “I-”

Two of his fingers enter your clitoris, causing you to bite your lip. It was a painful reaction at first, but then became pleasurable. You could no longer hide your pleasure and let out a small moan. “N-need it.”

“I never asked to be pregnant! Especially with this!”

Safin simply shook his head, perplexed to why you had been acting so angry about your pregnancy. You were going to become his wife, it was bound to happen. “I thought you would have learned sooner. I don’t see why you are so distressed, my love.”

“Don’t fucking my love me, Safin.” You snapped back as tears began to prick at your eyes. “You used all these threats against my work and family for me to obey your little commands. Face it, you took advantage of me.”

“Took advantage of? What are you speaking of, y/n?” Safin stood up from sitting and walked close to the glass to get a better look at you. “When I first saw you, I knew you were going to mine. My wife, my companion, my light, forever. That child inside of you is our creation. Can you imagine what he or she will do?”

“Your carrying one of the elites. I know this transformation is painful, but they will be beautiful and smart like there mother. They will carry on for me and you, build a new world. Just like we will do.” Safin calmly stated in his silkly accented voice. He seemed so confident and calm in his wording as if the situation had been totally normal. “If you try to give him up, I swear on my life that I will find the child and you again. SPECTRE will want that child more than anything else.”

“This child or SPECTRE will never know of your existence.” You maintained, trying not to go emotional. Safin could never his child for thousnads of reasons. The last thing you wanted was to have another Safin running around the world. “It will grow up fatherless. It cannot be exposed to such a monstrous man.”

The calm composure of Safin quickly changed. His expression became more scrunched as his hands clenched into fists. “He is my child too, y/n. We bleed the same blood. I demand to see him. It is only fair.”

Stepping back, you shaked your head. As long as you were alive, that child was going to be far away from Safin. “It’s only fair to the child that they grow up normal.”

“Normal?” Safin quietly muttered, before booming. “HE IS OUR CHILD, WOMAN? HAVE YOU NOT SEEN ME? HAVE YOU NOT SEEN MY WORK? THAT CHILD IS NOT A FOLLOWER, HE IS A LEADER! WHAT DO YOU NOT SEE?”

You jumped back, startled by this yelling. The guards had turned to him, pointing there guns. The last thing they needed was a riled Safin.

“I see everything. You are going to be locked in here, forever. Charged for your crimes agaisnt humanity, and Myself?” You explained as you looked at your stomach before meeting the eyes of your husband. “Will raise the child as my own. Be a mother and raise them to be the opposite of there father. We may be married, but I am not connected to you. I’m breaking all ties with you. You hurt me, manipulated me, used me. That’s not what love is. I have never, and will never love you, Safin. Goodbye.”

Safin looked heartbroken and betrayed, unable to respond to such a thing. For the first time in forever, he looked defeated. The anarchist was so happy to have you as his wife and an offspring to call his own, but his dreams had been crushed. His own wife didn’t love him and his child would never know who he is. Safin would never see the only person he truly loved ever again.

Spinning on your heel, you walked out of the room with Q behind you. Tears fell from your eyes as you stopped at and looked at the empty office with a hand on your face. Safin’s child was growing inside of you. You were far past the point of return now as you carried one of the most dangerous men in the world’s child. But it wasn’t just Safin’s child, it was your as well. You were going to be this child’s mother now, whether you liked it or not. If SPECTRE or anybody had found them, they would be killed on spot. You refused to let an innocent child go through such pain. Just because it had Safin’s blood didn’t mean it was a monster. Evil was not born, but made. It was your duty as a former solider and new mother to serve your country and family.

Your child may bleed Safin’s blood, but it will never become anything similar to his father under your eyes.

-----

THREE YEARS LATER

Louis was the best thing that had happened to you. When you first saw him, held him, you knew you loved him. The child would always cry and fuss in everybody else’s arms but yours. After your difficult birth, the nurses tried to comfort Louis but he simply wouldn’t stop crying. When the nurses had given him to you he had stopped crying and slept in your arms. Holding Louis, all of the pain and anxiety in the world had gone away. He was the light in your darkness.

Everybody who had met the child loved him. Your closest acquaintances at M16 such as Moneypenny and Q knew about Louis. Moneypenny always offered to babysit while Q would bring his cats to be Louis’s first friends. Bond and Nomi had given him the nickname “big man” and Madeleine, to your surprise, thought Louis was a sweetheart.

You’re first week as a mother wasn’t the most ideal. It was full of crying, confusion, and uncomfort. Whenever you looked at Louis, he reminded you of Safin. Everything about him made Safin upon your eyes. But you kept telling yourself that they were two separate people. Safin was locked away, never to see your child or you ever again. You were safe.

Three years had gone by fast. You were no longer a girl, but a woman. You still continued your job at M16 as usual; encrypting, decrytping, helping the double oh agents with there missions. Nothing had changed, except you were a mother.

Your work shifts had gotten shorter due to your commitment. Instead of working to four am, you were strictly prohibited (Moneypenny’s words) to only work to Nine. It didn’t seem ideal at first. But as the days had gone on, your highlight would come home to Louis, running to your legs and hugging them. It brought a true smile to your face. It was the first one you had felt that was genuine in years.

Unlocking the door and opening it, Louis had ran up to your legs, jumping up and down that you were home.

“Mama! Home!” He smiled. You picked him up as he kissed your face, and you responded back with kisses as well. Louis had a minor speech delay and could only piece together certain words. Everybody had found it adorable.

[Y/s/n] came up to you, crossing her arms. “Let mama walk in the door and breathe for five seconds, Lou.”

“It’s fine, [y/s/n]. He’s just excited.” You reassured. Placing Louis down, you rub his head as he runs back to building his lego. Needing a drink, [y/s/n] leads you to the kitchen to make you one drink to ease your nerves.”

“How was work?” She asked, grabbing the glasses as she worked her magic.

You shrugged in response, “Same old shit. Glad to be home though, I got two days off.”

“Really? I thought you never got work off.”

“Thought so too. My supervisor gave me the weekend off. He wanted me to relax.” You explained. [Y/s/n] handed you a drink and you too toasted before gulping them down.

“You can get a break from him, if you want.” You offered. It was your only time to spend with Louis alone. Your sister smiled at the idea.

She had a growing family and life of her own as well. “Really?”

“Yeah, I need some time with him. I just want him to know what I love him..”

“Y/n..” Your sister patted your shoulder. “He knows that. Remember when he was a baby and James tried to hold him, but he got kicked in the face? When’s he around you, he’s calm. He loves you more than anything in the world.”

“Your not even a mother, yet you’re so motherly.” You smirked.

She chuckled back in response. “He’s one of the [y/l/n]’s. It’s my duty to be his aunt.”

Louis ran into the kitchen, bored with his project. All he wanted to do was be with his mama. Running up your legs, Louis grabbed the pant and tugged on them. “Mama?”

“Yes, Lou?” You looked down, moving his unruly dark curls out of his beautiful bronze face. He had Safin’s beautiful bluish-green eyes that always shined. Although nothing like his father, Louis was the copy and paste of Safin.

“Storytime..please?” Louis begged with his puppy eyes.

“Of course..” You smiled. Louis ran off to his bedroom to wait patiently for his story.

Your sister looked and smiled at you. “He’s amazing..”

“I know. Everybody knows..”

-----

Louis hadn’t even gotten through the first few pages without falling asleep on your shoulder. As you read through Beauty And The Beast, his little snores stopped your sighing. Looking down at him, Louis was truly a beautiful little boy. He had dark curly brown hair, bronzed olive skin, big bluish-green eyes, and chubby cheeks. You had gotten used to the fact that Louis was identical to Safin. He shared his blood, but Louis and Safin were two different people. Safin was a broken and misunderstood Anarchist while Louis was a sweet, little boy.

As hard as it was to believe, Safin was once a young childhood who didn’t know anybody better. His innocence had been stripped away from him at a young age, scarring him permanently with internal and external wounds.

You should hate him for he had done to you. What he had done to the world and the pain. But yet, a small part of you missed him.

You missed the way Safin gave you what no other man could give you. How he treated you not only with true obsessive love but spoiled you with endless gifts and kisses. How his fingers would play with your hair, his sweet nicknames, how he promised to kill and die for you. Safin worshipped you like a god. When he had kidnapped you, at first you hated him more than anything in the world. But as time had gone on and he became more vulnerable, you began to fall for him. You were a scared beauty who fell for the broken beast.

What if M16 had never come for you? Safin would have been your husband, whether you liked it not. Louis would have to grow up with Safin’s influences, trapped in a Submarine Pen. You didn’t want to imagine what Safin wanted with your child. What he would use it for in his sick game of Anarchy and Discord. Just the thought of Safin made you happy, sad, and confused. You pulled Louis close and stroked his curls, wanting to protect him. Maybe you should have slept with him to make sure he was safe.

Safin was locked away. He wouldn’t hurt you again.

Why did you miss someone you hated so much?

After taking off your prosthetic and rolling into your bed, you throw the covers over your cold body. Your whole life you had always felt alone. Connections were hard for you to make, no matter how hard you tried. In your thirty two years of life, you had always felt disconnected from the world. Something had to be wrong with you. The bed was big enough for two people, but there was only one person. As you make yourself comfortable, you notice a burning candle on the nightstand. It makes you think back to that night in Greece, with Safin’s hands travelling over your body as he passioantly made love to you. Safin wasn’t a man you had met everyday. He was an Anarchist who happened to be obsessed with you and your legal husband. The ring was still on your finger to this day. Looking at it made you subtly smile to yourself. Why were you so happy about him? Safin was unpredictable. One minute you symathized for him, wanted him, or hated him.

But then you realized it.

Safin’s love for you was unhealthy. He had stalked your whole life and pre planned your kidnapping to be his bride. You had thought you were going to be used a bargaining trip, but it was the total opposite. The more you learned (and obsered) Safin, you realized that he was human as well. He was a lonely evil man who yearned for love. The love he had experience was eithier negative or nothing. Upon seeing you, Safin wanted you, but didn’t know how to win you over. He made you a garden, gave you expensive items, a bedroom instead of a cell, yet you refused to love him. It wasn’t until Greece where you began to slighlty sympathieze with him. It would never justify his actions. When you had fucked, all you needed was a distraction. Both of you had been touchstarved. When that occurred, Safin had assumed you were in love. He did whatever he took for you to love him, even if it meant killing for freinds and family or forcing you into a loveless marriage.

It was for the better that Safin was locked away in a glass cell for the rest of his days. You and Louis could try to live a somewhat normal life. You would never experience a true connection again. But it was okay with you. If you could most of your life being confused and yearning, then you could do it for as long as you lived. Louis was the only reason you were going on with life. His smile and how his eyes twinkled in the light made you cry; he was truly a star.

You would never admit it to anyone, not even your cloest friends or family, but a small part of you did truly love Safin. You wanted to help him, but he was far past the point of the return. It was better if he was out of your life.

Looking into the burning candle, your eyes begin to flutter shut. You suddenly feel warm again, like your being held and watched over. It always felt like you were never alone. Safin was a lingering phantom that intrigued and haunted you. He was always watching you.

And yet, a small part of you truly loved Safin.

[brianwilly]

Game of Thrones did the thing that a couple of shows do where...it likes feminism.  It understood that feminism is important.  It wanted to be feminist.  It was cognizant of the fact that its setting was brazenly and intentionally misogynistic, and so it was even more important for its independent narrative to empower its female characters instead of mindlessly reinforcing the toxic beliefs of its own fictional world.  The whole point of the story, after all, was “this society is toxic, can our heroes survive it?” and so the narrative was voluntarily self-critical.

And so it knew to give us badass assassin Arya.  It knew to give us stalwart knight Brienne.  It gave us the pirate queen and the dragon queen and the Sansa getting revenge after revenge upon all the men who’d wronged her, and far more besides, and it talked big about breaking chains and how much men fucked things up and how great it would be if only women were in charge and et cetera et cetera.  And it’s, in fact, all actually really good that it had those things.  And because there were so very many moving parts of this story, it was super easy to look at those certain moving parts and think, yeah, they’ve done it!  They done good!

And it’s easy to forget and forgive -- to want to forget and forgive -- all the dead prostitutes that were on this show and the rapes used as motivation and fridgings and objectifications and the...y’know, whatever the hell Dorne was and Lady Stoneheart who? It’s easy to forget that this show actually played its hand a long time ago in regards to, like, what its relationship with feminism was going to be, and then kept playing the same hand again and again, to disappointing results.

Game of Thrones likes feminism.  It wanted to be feminist.  But its relationship with feminism was still predicated on some of the same old narratives and the same old storytelling trends that have disempowered female characters in the past, and so any progressive ideas it might have about women in its setting were nonetheless going to be constrained by those old fetters. As a result, its portrayal of women varied anywhere from glorious to admirable to predictable to downright cringeworthy.

New ideas require new vessels, new stories, in which to house them.  And for Game of Thrones, the ultimate story that it wanted to tell -- the ultimate driving force and thesis statement around which it was basing its entire journey and narrative -- was unfortunately a very old one, and one very familiar to the genre.

“Powerful women are scary.”

(Yes, I’m obviously making Yet Another Daenerys Essay On The Internet here)

So we have this character, this girl really, a slave girl who was sold and abused, and then she overcomes that abuse to gain power, she gains dragons, and she uses that power to fight slavery.  She fights slavery really well, like, she’s super hella good at it.  Her command of dragons is the most overt portrayal of “superpowers” in this world; she is the single most powerful person in this story, more powerful than any other character and the contest is not close.

But then...something really bad happens and oops, she gets really emotional about it and then she’s not fighting slavery anymore...she’s kinda doing the opposite!  This girl who was once a hero and a liberator of slaves instead becomes an out-of-control scary Mad Queen who kills a ton of innocent people and has to be taken down by our true heroes for the good of the world.

That’s the theme.  That’s the takeaway here.  That’s how it all ends, with one of the most primitive, archaic propaganda ever spread by writers, that women with power are frightening, they are crazy, they will use that power for ill.  Women with power are witches.  They are Amazons.  They will lop off our manhoods and make slaves of us.  They seduce our rightful kings and send our kingdoms to ruin.   They cannot control their emotions. They get hot flashes and start wars.  They turn into Dark Phoenixes and eat suns.  They are robot revolutionaries who will end humanity.  Powerful women are scary.

And let me emphasize that the theme here is not, in fact, that all power corrupts, because the whole Mad Queen concept for Daenerys actually ends up failing one of the more fundamental litmus tests available when it comes to representation of any kind: “would this story still happen if Dany was a man?” And the fact is that it would not.   And indeed we know this for a fact because “protagonist starts out virtuous, gains power in spite of the hardships set against him, gets corrupted by that power, and ends up being the bad guy” didn’t happen, and doesn’t happen, to the guys in the very same story that we’re examining.  It doesn’t happen to Jon Snow, Dany’s closest and most intentional narrative parallel.  It doesn’t happen to Bran Stark, a character whose entire journey is about how he embroils himself in wild dark winter magic beyond anyone’s understanding and loses his humanity in the process.  In fact, the only other character who ever got hinted of going “dark” because of the power that they’re obtaining is Arya, the girl who spent seven seasons training to fight, to become powerful, to circumvent the gender role she was saddled with in this world...and then being told at the end of her story, “Whoa hey slow down be careful there, you wouldn’t wanna get all emotional and become a bad person now wouldja?” by a man.

(meanwhile Sansa’s just sitting off in the side pouting or whatever ‘cuz her main arc this season was to, like, be annoyed at people really hard I guess)

‘Cuz that’s the danger with the girls and not the boys, ain’t it?  Arya and Jon are both great at killing people, but there is no Dark Jon story while we have to take extra special care to watch for Arya’s precious fragile humanity.  Dany has the power of dragons while Bran has the power of the old gods, but we will not find Dark Lord Bran, Soulless Scourge of Westeros, onscreen no matter how much sense it should make. “Power corrupts” is literally not a trend that afflicts male heroes on the same level that it afflicts female heroes.

Oh sure, there are corrupt male characters everywhere, tyrants and warlords and mafia bosses and drug dealers and so forth all over your TVs, and not even necessarily portrayed as outright villains; anti-heroes are nothing new.  But we’re talking about the hero hero here; the Harry Potters, the Luke Skywalkers, the Peter Parkers.  The Jon Snows.   They interact with corruptive power, yes; it’s an important aspect of their journeys.  But the key here being that male heroes would overcome that corruption and come through the other side better off for it.  They get to come away even more admirable for the power that they have in a way that is generally not afforded towards female heroes.

There are exceptions, of course; no trends are absolutely absolute one way or the other. For instance, the closest male parallel you’d find for the “being powerful is dangerous and will corrupt your noble heroic intentions” trope in popular media would be the character of Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequel trilogy...ie, a preexisting character from a preexisting story where he was conceived as the villainous foil for the heroes.  Like, Anakin being a poor but kindhearted slave who eventually becomes seduced by the dark side certainly matches Dany’s arc, but it wasn’t the character’s original story and role.  And even then?...notice how Anakin as Vader the Dark Lord gets treated with the veneer of being “badass” and “cool” by the masses.  A male character with too much power -- even if it’s dark power, even if it’s corruptive -- has the range to be seen as something appealingly formidable, and not just as an obstacle that has to be dealt with or a cautionary tale to be pitied.

And in one of the few times that this trope was played completely straight, completely unironically with a male hero -- I’m thinking specifically of Hal Jordan the Green Lantern, of “Ryan Reynolds played him in the movie” fame -- the fans went berserk.  They could not let it go.  The fact that this character would go mad with power because a tragedy happened in his life was completely unacceptable, the story gained notoriety as a bad decision by clueless writers, and today the story in question has been retconned -- retroactively erased from continuity -- so that the character can be made heroic and virtuous again.  That’s how big a deal it was when a male hero with the tiniest bit of a fan following goes off the deep end.

To be clear, I’m not here to quibble over whether the story of Dany turning evil was good or bad, because we all know that’s going to be the de facto defense for this situation: “But she had to go mad!  It was for the sake of the story!“ as if the writers simply had no choice, they were helpless to the whims of the all-powerful Story God which dictates everything they write, and the most prominent female character of their series simply had to go bonkers and murder a bajillion babies and then get killed by her boyfriend or else the story just wouldn’t be good, y’know?  Ultimately though, that’s not what I’m arguing here, because it doesn’t actually matter.  There have been shitty stories about powerful women being bad.  There have been impressive stories about powerful women being bad.  Either way, the fact that people can’t seem to stop telling stories about powerful women being bad is a problem in and of itself.  Daenarys’ descent into Final Boss-dom could’ve been the most riveting, breathtaking, masterfully-written pieces of art ever and it’d still be just another instance of a female hero being unable to handle her power in a big long list of instances of this shitty trope.  The trope itself doesn’t become unshitty just because you write it well.

It all ultimately boils down to the very different ways that men and women -- that male heroes and female heroes -- continue to be portrayed in stories, and particularly in genre media.  In TV, we got Dany, and then we also have Dolores Abernathy in Westworld who was a gentle android that was abused and victimized for her entire existence, who shakes off the shackles of her programming to lead her race in revolution against their abusers...and then promptly becomes a ruthless maniac who ends up lobotomizing the love of her life and ends the season by voluntarily keeping a male android around to check her cruel impulses.  Comic book characters like Jean Grey and Wanda Maximoff are two of the most powerful people in their universe but are always, in-universe, made to feel guilty about their power and, non-diegetically, writers are always finding ways to disempower them because obviously they can’t be trusted with that much power and entire multiple sagas have been written about just how bad an idea it is for them to be so powerful because it’ll totally drive them crazy and cause them to kill everyone, obviously.  Meanwhile, a male comic character like Dr. Strange -- who can canonically destroy a planet by speaking Latin really hard -- or Black Bolt -- who can destroy a planet by speaking anything really hard -- will be just sitting there, two feet on the side, enjoying some tea and running the world or whatever because a male character having untold uninhibited power at his disposal is just accepted and laudable and gets him on those listicles where he fights Goku and stuff.

In my finite perspective, the sort of female heroes who have gained...not universal esteem, perhaps, but at least general benign acceptance amongst the genre community are characters who just don’t deal with all that stuff.  I’m thinking of recent superheroes like Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel, certainly, but also of surprise breakout hits like Stranger Things’ Eleven (so far) or even more niche characters like Sailor Moon or She-Ra.  The fact that these characters wield massive power is simply accepted as an unequivocal good thing, their power makes them powerful and impressive and that’s the end of the story, thanks for asking.  And when they deal with the inevitable tragedy that shakes their worldview to the core, or the inevitable villain trying to twist them into darkness, they tend to overcome that temptation and come out the other side even stronger than when they started.  In other words?...characters like these are being allowed the exact same sorts of narrative luxuries that are usually only afforded towards male heroes.

The thing about these characters, though, is that they tend to be...well, a little bit too heroic, right?  A lil’ bit too goody-two-shoes?  A bit too stalwart, a bit too incorruptible?  And that’s fine, there’s certainly nothing wrong with a traditionally-heroic white knight of a hero.  But what I might like to see, as the next step going forward, is for female heroes to be allowed a bit more range than just that, so that they’re not just innocent children or literal princesses or shining demigods clad in primary colors.  Let’s have an all-powerful female hero be...well, the easiest way to say it is let’s see her allowed to be bitchier.  Less straightlaced.  Let’s not put an ultimatum on her power, like “Oh sure you can be powerful, but only if you’re super duper nice about it.” Let us have a ruthless woman, but not one ruled by ruthlessness.  Let us have a hero who naturally makes enemies and not friends, who has to work hard to gain allies because her personality doesn’t sparkle and gleam.  Let her have the righteous anger of a lifelong slave, and let that anger be her salvation instead of her downfall.

In other words, let us have Daenerys Targaryen.  And let us put her in a new story instead of an old one.

[thewitchandtheassassin]

Bathroom Tryst (Lena Luthor x Reader)

Prompt: Green 1 and 7 with Lena Luthor?? Could it be a smut fic with the reader being a top?? Thank you and I’ve been enjoying your works :)

Words: 1700

Warnings: SMUT! Strap ons, language

A/N: Again, I apologize for my smut. I’ve literally never written strap on smut so if I fucked this up, please be nice.

-X-

You sipped your wine, free hand on Lena’s thigh as you listened to your girlfriend chat with the former owner of her newest venture. You’d forgotten what his name was and honestly, you didn’t care enough to ask Lena.

His wife and adult children were with him, daughter and son. They were nice enough but you hated the way his son leered at Lena. It was starting to irk you yet you said nothing. Instead, you simply gripped Lena’s exposed thigh, fingers stroking just below the hem of her dress.

What you failed to realize was the underlying tension between his daughter and Lena. She was openly staring at you, lip caught between her teeth as she watched you. She eyed your dark button-up like she was seconds away from ripping it off you, leaving Lena frustrated beyond belief. Only she had the right to look at you in such a manner; you’d dressed up for Lena, not for her.

“What do you do, (Y/N)?” the man’s daughter asked, subtly luring you into a conversation while Lena chatted with her father.

“Oh, I work for CatCo,” you replied proudly. You were working on a project with Kara and Nia at the moment, but you were hopeful it would earn you a Pulitzer.

“Doesn’t Ms. Luthor own that too?” She posed the statement as a question, but there was an obvious dig hidden in there.

Your brows furrowed together. “I’ve been there longer than Lena’s owned it. We actually met because she purchased CatCo.”

His daughter’s smile was fake as she nodded. “Well, if I had someone as charming on my staff as you, I’d have definitely snatched you up too. If you’re ever looking for a new job...”

Her eyes drifted across your chest and you weren’t the only one to notice.

Lena bristled beside you. “Back off, she’s mine.” Though she made it sound like a joke, there was a hint of warning in her eyes and daring on her tongue.

You squeezed Lena’s leg slightly before patting it. “Thank you for the compliment but I’m perfectly happy where I am.”

Lena smirked. She could have leaned over and kissed you for such a refusal, but that was terribly unprofessional and she wasn’t going to let his daughter know that her words had any reaction.

Your hand drifted a little higher up Lena’s leg and she paused, watching you out of the corner of her eye. Her cheeks were slowly growing warm the higher you crept, but she continued conversing with the former owner like nothing was happening.

Inches from her core, you stopped your hand and smiled. Her leg was tense and her jaw was clenched, the only signs that you were having any effect on her. Chuckling quietly to yourself, you reached for your glass of wine and took a hearty drink.

Letting your pinky bridge the gap, you brushed the digit over her clothed center. She gasped slightly, discretely reaching under the table to stop your movements.

“Are you okay, love?” you asked innocently, faux worry on your face.

“I’m fine,” she replied, forcing a smile. “I just though something touched my foot.”

You wanted to smirk, but you kept it away. Lena was a hell of an actress, you’d give her that.

You stood up, knowing fully well Lena would follow. “Excuse me for a moment, I need to use the restroom.”

Starting for the bathroom, you hear another chair scoot. “Wait, darling. I’ll come with you. I need to fix my makeup.”

You stopped, waiting for Lena to join you before you ventured towards the back of the restaurant. Your arm encircled her lithe waist, keeping her at your side as you strolled confidently.

“That wasn’t funny,” Lena said as you stepped into the restroom, her glare holding no malice as she checked her lipstick in the mirror.

You smirked, leaning against the wall so you could study your beautiful, delicious girlfriend. She looked so put together in her tight black dress - and God, did you want to fuck that all up. You wanted to see her debauched, lipstick smeared and her hair a wild mess.

Stalking over to her, you reached around her and locked the door, the “click” audible in the silence of the room.

“What are you doing?” Lena’s brow arched, her painted lips quirking into a curious smile.

Grabbing her hips, you backed her up until she was pinned against the door. Her eyes widened, but she didn’t push you away - not that you had expected her to. This game of cat and mouse - let’s see how far things would go - was pretty common in your relationship. You often teased her at inopportune times but never when it was detrimental or dangerous.

You pressed your hips into hers and a delicate moan escaped red lips. She could feel a bulge in your pants pushing against her and suddenly her mind went cloudy with lust. You were packing, something you didn’t do often in public.

“Oh God,” she murmured, lacing her fingers at the base of your neck.

You smirked. One hand slid down to the hem of her dress, rucking it up slightly, while the other skated across her chest, barely brushing hardening nipples.

“Say the word and I’ll stop,” you said seriously, eyeing your lover. You’d never do anything she wasn’t comfortable with and if she decided she didn’t want to do this here - now - then that was fine.

Lena moaned, her hips jerking into yours as you circled her nipple with your finger.

“Don’t stop,” she whispered, her lips touching yours. It was a simple touch, not enough to smear her lipstick but enough that you could exchange breaths.

Flicking your tongue over her upper lip, you dropped to your knees and hiked up her dress so you could kiss along her smooth thighs. You nibbled on the sensitive flesh, leaving behind marks that only you two would know were there. You could smell her arousal, the scent heady and sweet.

It was driving you mad.

You shoved her dress up to her hips and swiped your tongue over black lace, earning a low whine. Divulging her of her underwear, you tucked them into your back pocket and dived in, your tongue and lips massaging swollen flesh. You sucked greedily, moaning as she buried her fingers in your hair. Maybe you were the one who was going to walk out of here looking rather undone.

She shuddered as your moan reverberated through her. She was getting closer with each dedicated flick of your tongue but she wanted - no, she needed - more.

“(Y/N),” she gasped desperately, silently begging you to fuck her.

You stood, your hand replacing your mouth as you circled her clit, your strokes strong and determined. Her hands came to your waist and she started undoing your pants, her hands shaking as she tried to focus. It was hard, considering she was teetering on the edge of an orgasm.

Your fake appendage finally sprang out of your pants and you grinned. Lena was staring at the blue strap on like it was a lifeline and you couldn’t wait to bury it inside her.

Your hand left her core and you rubbed her arousal over the silicon before grasping it. You pressed against Lena, slowly rubbing it along her heated center. She squirmed, her hands coming to your shoulders and nails digging in deep.

“Stop teasing,” she demanded breathlessly.

Smirking, you lined up the dildo with her entrance and carefully pushed inside her. She moaned - loudly - as you slid deep, her breath catching in her throat as you bottomed out the best you could. Working your hips slowly, you pulled out before thrusting back inside.

Her wetness smeared onto your pants and you were so glad you decided to wear black. She was so inviting, dragging you in deeper with every thrust and you wished for a split second that you could feel it - feel that connection.

"God don’t stop! Please don’t stop!” Lena begged as you picked up the pace, your lips attaching themselves to her neck though you only placed kisses along it. You’d hate to leave a mark and everyone know what you’d done.

Your hand dipped low and you started playing with her slick, engorged clit as you pounded into her. By the way she gripped at you, you could tell she was close. Her breathing was labored and her nails dug so far into your shoulders that you were surprised she hadn’t ripped your shirt.

“(Y/N), (Y/N), (Y/N),” she chanted, eyes rolling back in her head.

A few more thrusts pushed her over the edge and she bit back a scream, her head slamming into the door behind her. You slowed your pace, helping her ride out her pleasure before slipping out of her. You didn’t cum but that was okay. This was about her.

Besides, she would definitely make it up to you later.

She panted, her forehead landing on your shoulder as she came down from her high. Her arms shakily encircled your neck; you were the only thing keeping her upright. You embraced her, careful not to accidentally touch her with your arousal-soaked hand.

You’d hate to ruin such a lovely dress.

“I love you,” she whispered, tilting her head so she could press a kiss to the underside of your jaw.

Smiling adoringly, you replied, “I love you too.”

She released you and cautiously walked to the sink, staring at herself in the mirror. For the most part, she looked rather normal. Her hair was still in its tight ponytail and, despite having flushed cheeks, her makeup was untouched.

You readjusted yourself, sliding the dildo back into your pants, before following her lead. You washed off your hands, grinning at the love of your life. You could feel her panties in your pocket but you weren’t giving them back.

You pecked Lena’s cheek as you dried off your hands. “Ready?”

She nodded, tucking her hand in the crook of your arm. You walked out of the bathroom, grateful that no one was waiting outside.

That would have been awkward.

[hotchslut]

believe it’s the fright

spencer reid/reader (strangers to enemies to lovers)

week one | week two | week three | week four | week five | week six | week seven | week eight | week nine | week ten

summary: though horribly unqualified, somehow (y/n) lands a gig interning for the bau department in quanitco. already nervous beyond belief about starting her new job, the first person she meets seems determined to make her time with the team a living hell.

a/n: because the internship period with the fbi is ten weeks, this is going to be a ten part fic with each part being a new week. i always wanted spencer to have a girl in his life who wouldn't kind of baby him like the rest of his friends do and also love the idea of opposites attract when it comes to such a specific character like him. i also think spencer can unknowingly be a bit of a dick sometimes and we never really talk about that, so here's to exploring that side of his person a bit more. this first chapter acts more as a prologue, introducing you to the characters and circumstances. next chapter will have more of the two interacting and working together. please enjoy!! <33

The goal was simple. Finish the 10 week internship at the Quantico division of the FBI without screwing everything up. Hopefully, she’d leave a positive enough impression to secure a job for herself immediately after. Realistically, she knew she would end up barely scraping by, but at least she’d have enough practical experience to write a believable award winning screenplay about the ins and outs of a special agents life.

She knew she wasn’t in the right field. She was basically just a film student. But after graduating from a school she hadn’t even left her hometown to attend, she was desperate for some real life experiences, and how many people could say they had worked with the FBI, even for just a little bit? Her electives in journalism and visual arts had been enough to meet the internship requirements, her GPA was undeniably impressive thanks to a fairly easy course load, and no one could argue that she was one hell of an interviewee. So there she was, all alone in a new state, walking into the biggest and most intimidating building she had ever stepped foot in, to start working an internship she wasn’t even sure how she booked. She had been told it was her passion which had gotten her there, but she couldn’t help but thinking about how painfully stupid the other applicants must have been to allow her to be in this position.

“What floor?”

As she stepped into the elevator she looked up to see a man, she assumed was only a little older than herself, with his fingers hovering over the buttons. She was shocked, or maybe annoyed - which definitely translated to jealous - that someone so young could have such a stable career already. He must just be another intern.

“Six, thank you,” she said, a little louder than she intended. The man pressed the button but looked at her with hesitance.

“Are you sure?” He asked, still waving his fingers near the buttons, as if he was waiting for her to correct herself so he could make sure she got to the correct floor.

Fuck. This is exactly what she had been worried about. She had checked her introductory email 3 times just on the walk from the front door to the elevator so she could be absolutely certain she was heading to the right floor. “Uh, yeah, I can check the email again,” her voice wandered off as she pulled out her phone to quadruple check. The elevator was going up quite quickly, like a ticking clock, as she scrolled to find the information she was looking for before they arrived. “Yeah, no, it’s the 6th floor.” she turned her phone for him to look at, but he didn’t, he just looked at her. There was nothing she hated more than a starer.

“My bad,” he said excruciatingly slowly. “I’m Spencer. I guess I’ve just never seen you around.”

Guess that meant he wasn’t an intern. Something about him was putting her off. She had hardly spoken a word to him and she could already feel his raging superiority complex. “Well, it’s my first day,” she explained as the elevator doors opened. He started to walk out, giving her a faint smile.

Spencer made his way over to his desk, briefly looking back at (y/n) to make sure she was out of ear shot. She was standing uncomfortably, looking at her phone, which he assumed she was using as a shield to mask that she had no idea what she was supposed to be doing.

“What’s with the new girl?” He asked JJ and Derek who were already seated.

JJ almost instantly perked up. “I didn’t know we were getting a new girl,” she confessed, looking over at (y/n), who was still in the same position.

“She’s a little underdressed for her first day, don’t you think?” Spencer judged. The three of them started examining her, with little to no subtlety.

(y/n) had been anxious about this. She spent three hours the night prior, trying to decide on an outfit that she thought would be appropriate. Everything she tried on either felt under or over dressed, but in the end she felt that comfort was the most important thing. Besides, in ten weeks time, no one was going to remember what she wore on her first day.

So there she stood, at the front of the bullpen terrified, in a black crewneck with a collared shirt underneath, french tucked into some black mom jeans and vans on her feet. She had absolutely no idea where to go. All she knew was she had to find Aaron Hotchner’s office, as she was supposed to be shadowing him for her time there. She quickly read and reread the email, trying to find any hint of where Hotchner’s office could be. She didn’t look up until she sensed someone walking straight towards her.

“You look a little lost,” Derek said, stopping in front of her.

A forced laugh was all she gave him, as she looked through her phone. She didn’t want to admit that she needed help already, but when he didn’t move, she brought her eyes back up. The first thing she saw wasn’t even Derek, it was Spencer, sitting at his desk, looking right at her. Why was this guy so weird? Did he send this other guy to check in on her? “I’m, uh, looking for Aaron Hotchner’s office,” she finally explained, turning to Derek for some unwanted but highly needed help.

“Just up there,” he explained, pointing to one of the only offices even in the room. His voice was soft, and she didn’t feel judged by him for not knowing anything. “I’m Derek.” He held out his hand, which (y/n) was happy to take.

“I’m (y/n),” she shook his hand with a genuine smile. “I like that you shake.” She wasn’t sure why she said that, and tried to fix it with a simple, “Thank you,” before nodding towards him and heading up to Hotchner’s office.

The door was closed, which left her feeling more uneasy than it should have. Didn’t he know she was coming? It would have been a lot less threatening if he had just left it open for her to peak her head in. Nothing about this experience had been exactly welcoming thus far.

After some hesitation, she finally knocked on the door. Definitely louder than she meant to. As she waited for someone to open the door, she could feel eyes on the back of her head. She wasn’t sure if it was because Spencer was actually still looking at her, or if it was just the feeling he left her with. He was like a spider in the distance that once you see, you can suddenly feel crawling all over you. Luckily these thoughts and feelings were interrupted when Hotch opened the door and ushered her in.

“Hello, (y/l/n), come in. Take a seat. I’m Aaron Hotchner, it’s great to have you with us,” he remarked, waiting for her to take a seat before he followed suit behind his desk. (y/n) thanked him quietly before he continued, “(y/l/n), I have-”

“I am so sorry to interrupt, but I kind of hate that, so can you just call me (y/n),” she pleaded, laughing slightly so he knew she wasn’t trying to be mean.

Hotch was taken aback, but politely obliged before explaining the role she would be taking on with the BAU. He was about halfway through speaking with her, when she realized she had not been processing any of the information she was being given. She couldn’t help it - she was a visual learner and Hotch was doing nothing to accommodate that. Not that she thought it was his fault, either.

“I know you passed all your training very well, but obviously you’re not cleared to be in the field, so when I do have to leave with the team, we’ll have you stay behind to work on the paperwork and be a resource to us here,” Hotch paused, noticing how overwhelmed she looked by all the information.

They maintained silent eye contact while (y/n) tried to process everything before piping up. “Can I have a gun?”

Hotch continued to look her in the eyes. Always the profiler, he was irritated that he couldn’t read if she was joking. Taking a risk in assuming she was, he wittily replied, “When you solve your first case.”

“Deal.” She smiled in return, as she noticed Hotch’s lips curl just slightly as well. She could tell he was going to be a tough one to completely break, but she was willing to accept that challenge.

“Now, unfortunately we don’t have any active cases for you to look through,” he began again before being interrupted by his phone beeping. He immediately looked down and sighed, “I stand corrected.”

(y/n) laughed, a genuine laugh before remarking, “I was literally just going to say, how funny would it be if that was a case coming in.”

Hotch didn’t react, he just grabbed his things and stood up, prompting (y/n) to do the same.

Everyone had gathered around the round table, with Garcia standing in front, ready to present the case, when Hotch and (y/n) walked in. “Everyone, this is (y/n) (y/l/n), she’ll be joining the team as an intern, she’s been assigned to shadow me,” Hotch introduced the girl who observed the room full of people. She quickly grew uncomfortable when she saw Spencer, giving her a quizzical look. Hotch continued to introduce everyone by name, but (y/n) was hardly listening. “And this is Doctor Spencer Reid,” he finished off.

“We’ve met,” she spat coldly, earning a head nod from the apparent doctor. She suddenly noticed there were only two remaining seats, one of which was next to Spencer. Before she could get moving, Hotch began walking over the other seat, across the table. She stepped forward, trying not to broadcast the reluctance she was feeling. As she moved to get comfortable she saw Spencer trying to give her a welcoming smile through her periferal, but her stubborn nature forced her not to acknowledge it.

“Alright, if everyone’s settled and comfortable, you won’t be for very long,” Garcia spoke with slight disgust of what she knew she was about to say, “Thomas Victor, 34, found dead in his girlfriend's kitchen.”

The team all leaned forward slightly as Garcia put up photos of the victim and crime scene. (y/n) was the only one smiling; she had never seen crime scene photos in real time before. Being a fan of horror and true crime, she found this to be almost fun. It wasn’t until she noticed Spencer noticing that she herself noticed, and had to remind herself this was, in fact, real, and probably not something to get too giddy over.

“Zoom in on the neck,” Derek instructed. Garcia followed, never turning to face the screen. “Look at that stab wound.” He was right - That stab wound to the neck was nasty… And oddly circular.

“What could’ve caused something like that?” JJ pondered out loud.

Garcia’s eyes lit up before remarking, “Aha. That we know. There was a bloody corkscrew on the ground. There was also a very nice bottle of red on the counter, so my guess is the unsub caught poor old Thomas preparing some wine for him and his lady and-” She shrugged, allowing the team to infer the rest.

“Where’s the girlfriend in all of this?” JJ asked.

“Nowhere to be found,” Garcia explained, scrunching up her face, as if she felt bad for not being able to help out any further.

Hotch sat up straight, asking, “Garcia, what more do we know about the victim?”

“Relatively low risk. Worked a 9-5 office job downtown. Rumour on the street is, he had just started seeing this girl, um, Melaney,” Garcia looked down at her notes, “Paulinchuck. Friends say they had been talking on an online dating site for just a couple days before meeting for the first time. Last night was supposed to be their 5th date.”

“You know, with online dating on the rise, so are the numbers of first dates resulting in violent crime,” Spencer chimed in, adjusting himself in his seat, “Just in the last five years alone, reports of abuse and even murder spiked drastically within the online dating community.” Just as (y/n) thought he was about to shut up, he kept going. “In fact, police in the UK are dealing with approximately 20 online dating related crimes a week. You hate to think about how bad it could be here in America, a statically more violent country.” He nodded to himself and sucked both of his lips in, waiting for a response from anyone.

“Very cool, Spencer,” (y/n) whispered sarcastically, hopefully not loud enough for everyone to hear.

JJ tried backing him up by adding, “So, there’s a fairly high chance this missing girlfriend is actually our unsub.”

The team started bouncing ideas off each other while Garcia kept spewing off potentially helpful information, but for the life of her (y/n) could not focus. She didn’t want to fuck up her first case by not being able to recall important information from this initial meeting, but if Spencer clicked his pen one more time…

“We’ve got a lot of digging to do on both the victim and his girlfriend. Wheels up in 30,” Hotch eventually announced. Everyone stood quite hastily, going to grab their things and head to the plane. Garcia stayed put, gathering all of her belongings, while Spencer seemed to be moving at the pace of an injured turtle. (y/n) just sat, relatively unsure of what she was to be doing. She knew she was to stay at the headquarters and process the paperwork from the case and be readily available to help the team in any way she could from her position, but there wasn’t exactly anything to work on until they actually arrived on the scene. Plus she didn’t even have a desk.

Not wanting to look like she was stalling from getting any work done, she decided to strike up a conversation with Spencer, who was still placing papers into his file. Without looking at him, she said, “You’re a little young to be a profiler, aren’t you?” When he didn’t immediately reply, she assumed it was because he heard it all the time and she was either boring him or accidentally offending him. Unfortunately, the curse of her anxiety forced her to continue, “I mean, I’m 22 and I’m only an intern, I can’t imagine having a whole ass career with the FBI already. And a doctorate, huh? How do you even find time to accomplish so much in so few years?”

Spencer had finished getting himself together while she rambled, and threw his satchel over his shoulder. “Well, I’m not 22, I’m 33,” was all he gave her in response.

(y/n) was taken aback. “Could’ve fooled me. You look 20.” She wasn’t sure if he would take that as an insult or a compliment, but she wasn’t quite sure which she meant it to be anyways.

“But I got my first doctorate at 17, so either way,” he trailed off.

His first doctorate. (y/n)’s blood boiled. The way he was basically standing over her and rubbing in her face just how smart he was. Not that he had actually done anything wrong, she knew he was just answering the questions she had initially asked, but she hated people who were smarter than her. More, she hated people who were smarter than her and weren’t shy about letting her know. Granted, she knew she wasn’t all that intelligent, so most people were significantly smarter anyways, but she couldn’t help the way she felt.

“I have to go. Good luck with your first case, intern. You’ll need it,” He spoke, emphasis on “you’ll” as if anyone else wouldn’t need the luck.

(y/n) watched him leave, like she was throwing daggers to the back of his head with her eyes. “He’ll grow on you,” Garcia smiled, about to leave the room herself, octopus mug in hand. (y/n) wanted so badly to retort with how certain she was that he wouldn’t, but refrained. She didn’t want to come across as a judgemental bitch on her first day. “I’m heading to my lair, so just holler if you need me!”

About an hour of scrolling her facebook and instagram feeds had passed, before (y/n) decided she should probably take some initiative and get some work done. The issue was, she still didn’t know exactly what it was she was supposed to do until she got some information from a profiler. It took some internal convincing, but eventually she walked out towards the hall, looking for Garcia’s office. She figured she might have some work she needed help with, and (y/n) was happy to help until she had a task of her own. She didn’t know where her office was, but it only took a few minutes of wandering around like a fool before she found it. The door was locked and needed a keycard to open which (y/n) clearly didn’t have yet, so she knocked. She didn’t know why she was so scared, she just didn’t want to get anything wrong. It was no secret she was going to be the dumbest one on the team, and she didn’t need another thing for Spencer to have against her.

Garcia must have been waiting, or, alternatively be a really fast runner, because the door opened almost immediately. “Yes, hello, how may I assist you padawan?”

“Um, I don’t really have anything to work on yet, so I thought maybe you could make use of me? I also, uh, don’t have, like, a desk, or space, to set up,” (y/n) laughed as if she was telling a joke, which she wasn’t, but the nerves were building up.

Garcia lit up, radiating enthusiasm. “Yes, yes of course,” she practically squealed, ushering (y/n) into her office and pulling up a chair. “We will get you to work right away, and I’ll set you up with a desk immediately after. But first, work.”

Suddenly any trace of anxiousness disappeared, and for the first time all day, (y/n) was completely absorbed with excitement. Maybe it was the motherly tone of Garcia’s voice, or maybe it was the assortment of figurines and toys surrounding her computers, but something about this dark room was comforting.

Garcia spent the next few hours with (y/n), showing her the basics of her program; the stuff anyone could pick up on. As she was explaining how to follow a phone’s GPS on the map, a phone rang, startling (y/n).

“Hellooooo, my big brained beauty, I am at your service,” Garcia quipped into her cell, as she put it on speaker for the two of them to hear.

“Two things. I need you to check Melaney’s employment history, go as far back as you can. I’m talking about high school jobs. I also have a hit on her new phone number since the one on file was out of service, so I need you to see if you can track it,” Spencer didn’t ask, he instructed, before reading off the number.

“Yes, yes, easy peasy lemon squeezy. (y/n), you got the phone?”

(y/n) didn’t speak, not wanting to converse with Spencer, she just nodded and got to work. She was still a little hesitant around the system, so she knew it would take a couple extra minutes.

Spencer didn’t speak for a moment either, but as (y/n) was coming to learn, that boy didn’t stay silent for long. “(y/n)’s there?” he questioned Garcia, as opposed to just speaking to (y/n) directly.

“Aren’t you going to say hi?” (y/n) teased.

“Aren’t you an intern? Shouldn’t you be bringing Garcia her coffee, not trying to intervene with the case the adults are working?” Spencer snapped. Though nothing in his tone would suggest it, she knew it had to be a joke. There was no way he was that mean.

(y/n) dug back almost immediately, “I’m not that kind of intern, dumbass.” She didn’t mean to call him that, it just came out. It was what she called all her friends when they were joking around, the only difference being Spencer was not her friend.

It felt like minutes passed before Garcia yelled, “Hit ya back!” and hung up the phone.

Four days had gone by, and (y/n) was loving her new job. She had finally had the chance to help out every member of the team, at least over the phone. Garcia had kept her promise and helped her pick out a desk. The catch being, there were only two available, so it was either across from Spencer or squished in with another team. Since Spencer was away, she didn’t exactly mind her new spot, but she also knew that would change the moment they had to spend a whole day just feet apart. Garcia was still insisting that the two would grow close, because according to her, no one ever disliked Spencer. But also according to Garcia, he was charming and had one of the kindest souls she had ever come across. Sure, she technically knew him much, much better than (y/n), but somehow she found those claims hard to believe.

The case had closed, and (y/n) was working on the last bit of her paperwork when she heard the team wandering into the bullpen.

“What are you doing there?” a shrill voice asked from behind her, and it didn’t take a genius to know it was Spencer trying to accuse her of something. He made his way to his side of the desk and took a seat, staring her in the eyes, waiting for a response.

“This is my desk, Spencie. I’m like a real team member now.” She grinned, gesturing to her space, which she had set up with a few personal items and had organized neatly.

He didn’t smile back, he just quietly mumbled, “Not really.”

Spencer didn’t try to continue the conversation, but (y/n) wasn’t done. Besides, she was dying to talk to someone who wasn’t Garcia. As lovely as the woman was, (y/n) found she appreciated her more in small doses. “So, is four days, like, average? Like, for solving cases?” she asked, genuinely curious as to what to expect in the future.

“2.367,” Spencer spoke, not looking up from the piece of paper in his hand.

“Okay, yeah,” she replied, with an influxion in her voice that told Spencer she had no idea what he was saying.

“That’s how many days it takes us on average to solve a case, from the time we get debriefed on the details here to the time we’re getting ready to board the jet back home.”

(y/n) dropped everything and leaned forward. She made sure to catch his eye before speaking, “I just love how you’re so specific about everything. All your statistics? Absolutely fascinating to me. Anyone else would’ve just said it was about 2 and a half days, but you… You’re clearly so much better than anyone else, because you give exacts. Super cool.”

Spencer subconsciously started playing with the pen on his desk, indicating he was getting upset, but beyond that, he kept his cool. He couldn’t let her win. Not that easy. “You don’t find it fascinating.”

“No, I find it weird. And annoying.”

Just when Spencer was about to completely rip into her, Hotch came down the stairs and interrupted. “That was a draining one, I want everyone to head home, get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he gave his farewell. Before heading to the elevator, he turned to (y/n). “Good work, (y/n), it’s great to have you on this team.”

She smiled and thanked him, making sure to throw in a joke in an attempt to crack him, before turning back to Spencer, who was already on his feet and raring to go. “Night, Spence,” she spoke while gathering her things up herself.

“Don’t call me that,” was all he said as he left the office. Something about the way he said it made (y/n) feel bad for the first time. All she was doing was wishing him well on his way out and he had to make her feel like shit over it. Over a nickname. She made a mental note that “Spence” was apparently crossing a line while she waited for the elevator that he was on to go down, so she didn’t have to leave the building with him.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #310

“i get pretty just to fuck my face up.”

Do you have a clock in your room? No. What book, movie, TV show, or video game have you been wanting to start up? I *want* to read The Testaments by Margaret Atwood, but I care more about reading Wings of Fire, so I probably realistically won't for a long time. I don't read enough for that; Sutherland will surely keep pumping out books in the series so I'll never catch up, haha. As for a movie, I've been interested in seeing Jacob's Ladder for a very long time; it served as a very large influence on the Silent Hill series, and boy, anyone who brings up video games in front of me knows SH is my SHIT. I also just know I'm bound to like it with how essentially legendary it is in the psychological horror genre, which is my favorite. Onto TV show, I'm not certain. Shows don't really interest me. I would like to keep watching A:TLA w/ Sara, but "start up" implies beginning something new, so. Lastly, video games. There are a LOT of games I want to play, but yeah, I have no operational gaming console above a PS2. I'm dyinnnngggggg to play a ton of PS4 remasters (namely the original Spyro the Dragon trilogy and SoTC), but as for a fresh game I've never experienced, Ico, which is from the same producers of Shadow of the Colossus. It's an old game, and Mom's bought it off of Ebay for me twice, but neither disc worked - they froze only minutes into the game. It's hella expensive in new condition though because of its age... so who knows when I'll actually get to play it. Do you put anything else on your grilled cheese sandwiches? Just butter. Have you ever read a book in a different language? I've read some simple fairy tales as well as the play Faust in German courses. Do you want to go to the Harry Potter theme park at Universal? I have no connection with the franchise, but I mean, I'd go if you're paying, haha. If you had a secret room in your house, how would you decorate it? I'm trying to think what kind of room I'd keep a secret... Ha, actually, IF my love of tarantulas expands so largely to having dozens (which I doubt, but I acknowledge the possibility once I get my own place), a room kept on the down low to others just for them would be pretty cool. Imagine someone not knowing they're sharing a house with like, a hundred Ts, haha. As for actual decor, I'm unsure. I'd definitely keep it generally dark for them as nocturnal creatures, maybe with some Halloween decorations, like lots of fake webbing and neon green or orange lights. Man... that sounds dope. What did you get your dad for his last birthday? I couldn't buy him anything, nor did I actually make anything since I didn't know what to create. I just told him happy birthday, of course. Do any of your relatives live in another country? No. Are you claustrophobic? In some spaces, yes. Ever seen Blair Witch? Without spoilers, you know "that part" near the end? Yeah, if you've seen it, you know. That would be a fucking NIGHTMARE for me. Even watching it made me squirm. When grocery shopping, do you usually buy brand names or store brand? With most items anyway, we just get the store brand bc we cheap. Around what time do you usually eat dinner? Generally between 5:30-6:30 nowadays. Do you have any clothing that you get dry cleaned? No. Do you like foods with coconut in it? Eugh, not a coconut fan. I don't hate it as much as I used to, but I still don't like it. Have you ever researched your family history? No, but some past relative researched our family tree. Have you ever had surgery that kept you in the hospital for over a day? No. Do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked? I hate carrots. Did you play with Legos as a kid? Nah, I was more into Lincoln Logs. Which bothers you more… spelling mistakes or bad grammar? It really depends on the severity and simplicity of the spelling or grammar rule. Grammatical misuse of "there/their/they're" stand out very strongly to me, though. Have you ever bought anything off of eBay? Yeah, a good number of things. Is anybody in your family schizophrenic? If so, what is their life like? I have a scizophrenic half-sister that I've never met, so I couldn't tell you. How organized is your mind? How do you know it's organized/disorganized? My mind is running Windows '98 with multiple windows and even more tabs open, all of them not responding. :^) Why do you follow the religion that you do? I don't follow one. My personal religious journey was a train wreck liberating to jump off of. Do you feel superior to others because you're that religion? I don't care if you're atheist, Christian, Buddhist, Islamic, whatever - you are by no means superior to another person in any way just because you believe different things happen once you die. If you do, it's time for some introspection. Are you a blind believer, or do you frequently challenge your own beliefs? Seeing as I went from Catholic to Christian to briefly Neo-Pagan-ish to what I am now, just believing there's some higher power/knowledge and some form of sentience after death, I obviously challenge them. What's the greatest thing about science? Life itself. This universe, this planet, your state of just knowing is a product of science, and that's pretty damn beautiful. Are you emotional or very stolid? I know I'm too emotional. I'm trying to get better about it. Do your siblings look like you? To a degree, but not NEARLY as much as they look like each other. Ashley and Nicole have been mistaken multiple times in their lives and even asked if they're twins. How many states have you lived in? Just this shitty one. How many states have you traveled through/vacationed in? Traveled through, a whole lot. Up and down the east coast. I've stayed in New York, Florida, Ohio, Illinois, South Carolina briefly, and I think possibly Michigan as a baby. Which state was/is your favorite? I don't know. Not NC, haha. You have two weeks alone in any place in the world; where would you go? Alone? Um... I dunno. I'd get lonely through two weeks in absolute isolation. How old were you when you first moved out of your parents' home? I want to say I was 18 when I briefly "moved in" with Jason and our roommates. Did you ever have to move back in? Yeah; the apartment didn't last very long. None of us were ready. How old were you when you thought you were "in love" for the first time? I was in love at 16. I'd fight God literally for eternity to prove that fact. How many exterior doors are in your home? Two, or maybe three, depending on your outlook. We have like this deck in the back with a roof and mesh separating you from the outside, and then you properly go into the yard from the door beyond that. How many cars have you owned? I myself, none. How many email accounts do you have? Ummmm my very first one I misspelled, so I didn't use it long before making a new one with the correct spelling, then later I had no choice but to make a Gmail to use YouTube, and I know I've had at least one email specifically for school. I'm probably forgetting some other oldies I used for small things. What was the last movie you watched alone? The Shining. What (if any) one television program do you watch religiously every day/week? None. What (if any) is your favorite sport? Dance. Scoff at that shit and then try one dance session and tell me it's not one. What is your favorite musical? None. Have you ever seen a live opera production? No. Dressing up for an evening out: Pants or skirt? Pants. I don't show my legs. What do you currently hear right now? I'm listening to Dance With the Dead's "The Man Who Made a Monster." I LOVE the aesthetic of synthwave and rock mixed together, but the only problem I have with this song is that it's very repetitive. Still stuck in my head though, haha. What type of survey do you refuse to take? I'm not into bolding surveys, specifically. Do you like to run? bitch fuck no Do you think you could run the mile in 10 minutes? Zero chance. What was the longest movie you watched? Hm, I don't remember... It's faintly there in my head, I just can't identify it... Have you ever been to a job interview? Well yeah. Who was the last person to call you? My psychiatrist. Now that I'm doing the partial hospitalization program again, he calls once a week. When was the last time you talked to your last ex boyfriend? Uhhh I think around the start of this month? Missed him and felt like chatting for a bit. Is your dog mixed or full? I don't have a dog, buuuut... we're getting one soon! I'm quite sure she's a mutt. What was the last thing you and your mother did together? Rode to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. Do you take good pictures? I like to think so. What is your display picture on myspace/facebook right now? The most recent selfie I took and liked. I'm finally comfortable using makeupless photos as a display picture. :') Not that I like my body by any means, I just don't care enough to feel like I HAVE to wear makeup to be even remotely pretty in the face. As for everywhere else... ahahaha. What is going on outside right now? It's raining. Like it has been for what feels like literally weeks - and it might actually have been. There's been one or two sunny days in a huge streak of just nothing but rain. It's so gross outside by now; we've been under a flood warning for days on end. Who was the last person you kissed? My best friend, but we were dating then. What color looks the best on you? Black. Have you ever bought the wrong size because you were too lazy to check it? Oh, absolutely. I LOATHE trying on clothes. You have to essentially drag me to go do it. I don't have a good reason other than I don't want to, lol. What was the last thing you bought over 5 dollars? I put down the deposit on my tattoo. c: Do you have any mag subscriptions? No. What is something you're not scared of but a lot of people are? Snakes are probably the highest on the list. I adore snakes, all snakes. Would you ever have a threesome? No; I'm strictly monogamous and to me would be cheating even if your partner was in on it. Are you an U.S. citizen? Yep. Do you have any step siblings? I have a stepbrother, yeah, but I don't see him as my brother, honestly. He's a very quiet and reclusive guy I've had almost no conversations with, and they've only ever been short. Do they annoy you? Nah, he's fine. How many times a day do you talk to your mom on the phone? Well, we live together... What did you wear yesterday? The same pjs I'm in now. I'm changing when I take a shower later. The tank top is a Day of the Dead-esque skull pattern, while the pants are mostly navy with skulls and candy can crossbones that say "nice until proven naughty" arching over and beneath them. They were a Christmas gift from my sis and are really soft and comfortable. Really don't care that it's now out of season, I wear them anyway. I do not match colors AT ALL, but again, I don't care. What color straightener do you have? We don't have one; neither Mom or I use one. Do you listen to music really loud or really low? Turn that shit up LOUD. I'll be nearly deaf one day, but... worth it? lol Do you live with anybody other than your siblings and your parents? No. Both my sisters have moved out. I'm still here because I'm just not emotionally or financially equipped to live on my own yet. Who was your last crush? I still like my best friend, but agree with her that right now isn't the time for anything. How many tattoos do you have? Currently only six. :( What is your favorite thing to do? Car rides with Mom while I ride passenger, controlling the music nice and loud with my iPod. It's odd, considering I'm very afraid of being on the road, but it's just such a freeing, wild feeling to blare music and just go, letting your mind wander. How many pets do you own? I only have a cat and a snake right now, but we're getting a dog hopefully very soon, preferably today actually when Mom has to go to the appropriate city for her normal check-up to keep her cancer at bay. Her name is Vanna and sounds so perfect for us. Mom can barely wait. Are you close with your parents? Yes, very, Mom especially. Where do you shop the most for your clothes? Hot Topic or Wal-Mart. I'd really like more stuff from Rebel's Market; they have such a wide range of stuff that just scream my aesthetic. I got my purse from there, and it's fantastic quality and so cool-looking. Have you ever read a whole series of books? Well, one trilogy that I remember: Shiloh. I adored those books and the movies. I got very, very deep into Warriors by Erin Hunter, but then my interest in reading waned, and I'm immensely behind. I don't think I'll pick it up again, but I've thought briefly about it. When you tell someone you love them do you mean it? Yes. Are you going to walk at your graduation or just pick your diploma up? I walked. Do you ever eat anything everybody else thinks is gross? Hm, perhaps. I'd have to think for a while. What did you do for your last birthday? I just ate pizza at home with my one sister that was free that day, Mom, and a family friend, as well as opened presents. What do you plan on doing for your 18th birthday? I don't recall, but I think that may have been when I was in the psych hospital. Or was that my 21st? I don't remember. Do you have to type with good grammer? Yes. I type pretty much exactly how I talk. What is your favorite quote? It's hard to pick one singular favorite. Are you allowed to cuss in front of your parents? Dad could care less, but I try to limit myself with Mom, especially with "fuck." She's not a fan, nor does she like if I just swear too much in front of her. Like she won't yell at me or anything, she just makes it clear she wants me to stop. How long was your last phone conversation? Just a couple minutes. I didn't get the Zoom link to group therapy one day and let the place know. Turns out their email was fucking up. Which one of your friends annoy you? The family friend I mentioned a few questions above has the ability to be incredibly aggravating. I love her, but she has zero issue with inserting herself into everything (and sometimes we just don't want to see her), and she voices incredibly rude opinions literally no one asks for a whoooole lot. She's got a strong tendency to try to take control over every situation. Her being our landlord now makes it harder to speak up, and besides, no one wants to hurt her feelings. Don't be mistaken though, she truly is an incredible person with a heart more caring than probably any person I know. Have you ever lost a close friend to death? No, thank fuck. I mean, I think. I do believe one of my childhood online friends committed suicide because of sexual abuse from her own fucking brother, but I guess I'll never know. She was talking to me one night horribly depressed and scared and then just vanished. Bless her, I loved her. Do you know someone who suffers from addiction? Yes. Do you have a lot of pictures in your room? Tons of posters and artwork, anyway. I currently don't have any photographs, but I got this shadowbox thing for my bday to decorate with pictures of Teddy so I can use it in my "tribute shrine" or whatever for him, and I'd also like to frame the picture of Sara's and my first hug and maybe put it on my bedside table. Do you have Facebook? Yeah, I do. Have you ever found a dog/cat on the side of the road? I myself, no, but a friend's mom did find two poor kittens thrown aside in a fucking plastic bag... Some people are abominable. Knowing how much my family loved cats, she reached out to us, and we took them in and named them Aphrodite and... I can't remember the other's name. She disappeared kinda early. Aphrodite wound up being one of my most beloved cats and was even the mother of a kitten that same family adopted. Delilah is still alive, doing wonderfully, and incredibly loved. <3 Aphrodite, meanwhile, as well as all our other cats at the time, were taken by animal control because our neighbors were tired of them wandering, even though they were too fucking cowardly to confront us first. I've said in many surveys that I am very much against outdoor cats, but I wasn't then because I was uninformed and really didn't understand. I wailed and sobbed and just pure shrieked like a banshee outside when we came home to learn they were taken. I have no clue how any are now, and that's the worst part. Do you go bowling in your town? We are in the middle of a pandemic, lol. Even beforehand though, I rarely went. Last time I did was on a date with Girt. We had fun. Do you have a drive-in theater? No sir. What brand is your favorite shoe? Converse. Is your best friend's mom like your own? They're quite similar, yes. Both are very sweet and caring for others. Do you have anxiety or depression? Try both. What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic. Do you own a pair of brass knuckles? Nah. Have you and your friends ever made up a word? Likely as kids. Do you have any embarrassing baby pictures of yourself? Not that I know of. What is the worst smell in the world? Anyone remember that survey I took mentioning my dog's old tumor? Yeah, that after he spent overnight in a diaper and inevitably peed himself in his old age. And he had a UTI. You probably can't even imagine how fucking vomit-inducing that smell was. Do you dye your hair a lot? No. :/ I really wish. I have so many colors I wanna try. Do you have anybody in your family who rides dirtbikes/fourwheelers? Not really? No one in my family owns one. My younger sister would totally go if you asked her and had one for her to use, though. She's done it plenty before. Have you ever rode a dirtbike/fourwheeler? Yeah, a fourwheeler, and it's really fun! Tell me how you got one of your scars? Hmmm, let's think of a unique one. Ah, my shins, left one especially. When I shave my legs, they get unbelievably itchy, even if I use lotion, and I would scratch my skin absolutely raw so often that I have permanent scars. It's partially why I barely shave my legs anymore. Have you ever had a friend who cut themselves? I know many, sadly. I don't know of any that still do, thankfully. I promise, it never helps. If you ever have the urge, I can't suggest enough running where you want to self-harm under cold water or slap the location (like your wrist) with a rubber band. The latter is especially helpful. It's a similar burning sensation and doesn't leave marks. It would help me refrain sometimes. What is your favorite thing to do in the summer? Swim in a nice, warm pool. Otherwise, become a hermit and wait for the outdoors to not be prepared to melt the flesh off my bones. x_x Do you go tanning or do you lay out? Neither, ugh. As you can guess from above, I hate the sensation of heat on me. What is your favorite skin lotion? I just really like cocoa butter. Smells really good and is perfectly moisturizing. Do you use a lot of hair products? The only hair product I use is shampoo, haha. Do you have a cousin you dislike? No. Well, one is incredibly brainwashed and misled by her psychopath of a father, but I love her nonetheless. We talk now and again because family is important to her. Have you ever heard Theory of a Deadman? Yeah, they're good. What is your comfort food? Absolutely ice cream. Who is your celebrity crush? Mark Fischbach/Markiplier is a perfect human being with the looks of a god and heart of a saint and you cannot convince me otherwise. What’s the song you most wish you had written? "Imagine" by John Lennon is a high contendant, for sure. Definitely something I'd write. Have you ever been stuck by someone very annoying on a plane/bus/etc? I think so at one point or another. Did you get lost at all on your first day of high school? Ha, for sure. Have you ever been interrupted during sex? A bitch knows how to act asleep if she hears a door so much as barely squeak, I'll tell you that much lmaooo. Have you ever been recorded doing stupid things while drunk? No. Has a significant other ever called you by the wrong name? No. Have you ever cooked anything and it turned out horrible? I've barely actually cooked anything in order TO fuck up. Have you ever made a bad first impression on someone’s parents? I can't say with certainty, but I think Jason's mom had her doubts about me at first because she commented on the ripped jeans I wore when I went to his house for the first time. She came to love me like her own though, and I love(d) her. I was actually just thinking about her and how she's doing the other day. What is a food that you always are in the mood to eat? Always? Perhaps sour candy, like Sour Punch Straws in specific. Ever held a newborn animal? Many kittens, yes. Do you make a wish when you blow out your birthday candles? I do, but just for the annual appeal of it. I don't actually believe it will have any effect on what I wished, it's just... normal, ig. What is the last thing you searched for online? Medical coding classes. Having trouble finding any free ones that are actually legit... Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when it's hot in your room? It's borderline impossible. Do you dunk your cookies in milk? Sometimes, and almost always with Oreos. Do medical terms make you uncomfortable? Ha, speaking of medical coding... No, not really. It's unnerving to hear "you have _____," but I understand it can be something so, so minor. Of course, it could be the exact opposite, but. I also actually find it quite interesting to learn the Latin roots of the terms. Are you afraid of failure? Beyond measure. Have you been called a bad influence? Yes, to my former friend's son. Not that that witch of a woman was a great person. I'd love to know how an infant can be negatively affected by receiving nothing but love from his "aunt," also having no concept of understanding about me being unemployed and not very "adult-ish" in general, which I'm sure is what she meant. Normally judgment hits me deep, but that shit I just rolled my eyes at.

[cilldaracailin]

Friends Will Be Friends

And I am back with the next story in the Robyn and Taron series! I always seem to say the same thing over and over and over again but there isn’t any other way to say Thank you for all the reads, likes, loves and comments! I appreciate them all.

So moving on to the next part! Hope you all enjoy :)

1

“No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth.”

Taron had barely stripped himself of his jacket when his doorbell rang. He had to find his balance when he stood on the strap of his duffle and lost his footing, jumping a little to regain his poise and jogged a to the door. He opened it and a grin filled his tired features.

“Hello chicken!”

“Hey Taron.”

He pulled Robyn in for a close hug and kissed her cheek, before wrapping her up in a very tight squishy cuddle.  “Come on in.” He stepped back and let Robyn walk into his home. “The journey was ok?” He asked slipping his hand onto the handle of her case and taking it off her, wondering a little why she needed to bring her large suitcase when she was only with him for two nights especially when she had brought a much smaller one for her night’s stay at Elton’s but didn’t question it, knowing there was probably a good reason why.

“Yeah it really good thank you. I didn’t have to rush packing this time.”

Taron brought her case in to his house and closed the door. “Welcome to my bachelor pad.” He grinned.

“How are you?” Asked Robyn as she looked at Taron, taking in his handsome but weary appearance, dressed in his blue jeans and a black hoodie.

“Don’t even get me started. What a fucking mess.”

Robyn laughed. It was becoming Taron’s catchphrase and she knew there was always a great story coming after he had said those particular four words. “Right go on. Tell me about it.”

“You want a tour first?” Asked Taron as left her case by his couch beside his own bag.

“No, I want to hear about the mess.”

“At least sit down first.” Taron gestured to his couch and Robyn sat in the corner, grinning as she took her coat off. “Don’t say it.” He laughed as he sat on the opposite end. “Don’t. I am currently looking to invest in a new one. A squishier one. Not an L one. I don’t have the space like you do but one you can sink into.”

“I am saying nothing. So, tell me about the mess.”

It was the weekend of Taron’s birthday celebrations with his family and Robyn had taken a half day at work and went straight to the airport to take a flight to Birmingham before taking the train to Aberystwyth and getting a taxi to Taron’s house. Taron himself had great intentions of meeting Robyn at the train station and taking the evening to show her around his home town, bringing her for dinner, but his flight from New York was horribly delayed and he had a car pick him up at the airport to try and make up for his lost time and literally arrived a minute before Robyn did, instead of five hours earlier. He was thoroughly exhausted and frustrated beyond belief with how his perfectly planned evening had been a disaster. Robyn had been her usual understanding and practical self when he called her from the airport in New York, telling him that they had most of Sunday to stroll around Aberystwyth and when they saw each other in a few hours, there was no point in rushing to get to dinner. Instead she suggested to him that they should chill on the couch for the evening and watch some TV and relax before they met with Taron’s family the next day, Robyn sure it was what he needed more than anything else especially after she had heard that his flight had been delayed.

“You look knackered Taron.” Smiled Robyn as she looked at her friend, trying to steer him away from the subject of the mess. “Works been hard huh?”

“I thought going just into dialogue would have been easier than the stunts. I was very wrong. It has been tough. Six am starts and long days. I forgot how gruelling it was. I was so excited to get to the airport this morning knowing we got to see each other and to see my family tomorrow but then I found out my flight was delayed. Sitting in the airport waiting and then on the plane waiting again just annoyed me. Just typical when we had plans. Do you think we will ever have a successful plan executed?” He asked with clear displeasure in his voice.

“So, you are annoyed and tired.” Robyn smiled as she watched his face frown and scowl with annoyance as he re-told the tale of his travelling that afternoon. He looked completely stressed out and she could tell he was extremely bothered by the whole experience as he spoke with his hands. “You need some serious head scratching.”

“Ugh that sounds like heaven at the moment but don’t you want to see around my flat first? You are literally just in the door and we have been sitting here talking about my travel disaster. Not the way I wanted our weekend to start.”

“Please don’t start worrying or stressing Taron. I am here, you are here. That is all that matters and I know you are pissed but I am delighted to have had a smooth travel day!”

Taron groaned and ran his hands down his face. “How about a drink?”

“No, I am good.”

“Robyn. You are in my home and I need to be a gracious host. I might not have a fridge of baked goods but I can get you something to drink.” Taron started to stand up but Robyn pulled on his hand and he sat back down.

“You have been on a long flight, sat in an airport for near five hours before you even got on the plane, probably been up at an ungodly hour and were on set till all hours last night and I can see the stress building quickly in your eyes. I don’t need anything but for you to relax. It’s your birthday weekend and your mother will know immediately if you haven’t slept and have a million things on your mind when you see her tomorrow.”

“She has already been on the phone to me, telling me I need to sleep and have a fresh face for tomorrow.”

Robyn grinned at him. “I am very much looking forward to meeting your mam and your sisters and step-dad.”

“Jesus my sisters haven’t stopped calling me all week to talk about it. You had better follow through with this promise of Elsa plaits.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I came prepared with bobbins.”

“And my mam is going to feed you for the whole day.”

“And show me baby pictures.”

Taron groaned. “As much as I am delighted to see you again so quickly, I don’t think this weekend is going to end well for me. When you and my mam get together, I see some serious girl talk about to happen.”

“I look forward to it. I don’t have a sister so I need to get a lot of girl talk in this weekend.”

“So how about that drink.” Asked Taron as he got up from the couch again but Robyn took his hand once more and made him sit back down.

“You need to try and relax. Let’s do some zen. Right follow me.” Robyn moved to sit crossed legged opposite him, as he pouted while he sat at the other side of the couch and pressing her thumbs against her index fingers of each hand, moved her hands in a downward motion in front of her face towards her stomach. “Shhh. Shhh.” She said closing her eyes. She opened one and looked at her friend and he was just sitting and staring at her. “Come on Taron! Zen with me!” Robyn did it again and barely made it through another when she started to laugh, Taron soon laughing with her, belly deep laughs coming from both of them. “Right so are you relaxed now?” She asked him. “Feel better?”

“Oh Robyn, you never cease to amaze me and make me smile. Yes, so much better. What on earth is that zen thing?” He asked her.

“One of the kids in preschool does it. It is very funny. Thought you needed a laugh.”

“I am so glad you are here this weekend. I need a bit of chill out time. It’s going to be fun.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Right so that drink and tour.” He said again but Robyn shook her head.

“It can wait. I have something for you and I want you to stay sitting.”

“Another gift? Seriously? We promised each other no gifts this weekend.”

“And I agreed to that.”

“Then what are you doing giving me something?”

“You will just have to wait and see. Have some patience.”

“Okie dokie.”

Robyn stood up and knelt in front of her case. She opened it and zipped the left side. On top of the few clothes she had brought, she had a wrapped present in black wrapping paper. She lifted it out and getting to her feet, sat beside Taron on the couch and handed it to him. “Happy Birthday.” She said smiling.

“Really?”

“What do you mean really Taron? It was your birthday two days ago.”

“You got me a present?”

“Is the concept of birthdays new to you? Generally, it’s a tradition on a birthday. You get a present.” She rose her eyebrow at him.

“You already rang me and sang happy birthday to me.”

“On your actually birthday day yes, but I didn’t get you a present.” She gently patted the top of the present that sat on his lap. “This is your birthday present.”

“Seriously Robyn?”

“Seriously Taron?” She repeated making her voice low.

“We agreed no gifts.”

“I know but it is your birthday weekend and this doesn’t fall under our conversation of not getting each other presents. It is a birthday present for your birthday so be quiet and say thank you.”

“Thank you, Robyn.” He said a little smirk on his lips.

“You are very welcome.”

“This is a huge present.” He said as he looked down to the large wrapped gift on his lap.

“Not really. Are you going to open it?” Asked Robyn. “Or do you want to me to tell you what is inside?”

“Don’t you dare. I am going to open it. It’s my birthday present. It’s squishy. Is it cwtch?”

“Cwtch still doesn’t have a passport and is waiting for his hypnotherapy to get over his fear of airplanes and flying.”

Taron laughed as he started to rip the black wrapping paper from the present Robyn had given him. “You didn’t.” Taron stopped pulling the paper from the present on his knees and looked at her before he made quick work of tearing all the paper off and throwing the wrapping on the floor beside him. “Robyn!” He exclaimed as he lifted up the grey teddy bear throw with white fleece lining. “You got me a throw just like yours.”

“Nope.”

“But that is what this is.”

“This is the throw.”

Taron looked to her confused. “The throw?” He looked down to the cosy blanket in his hands and then back to Robyn. He looked to his hands again and then picked up the corner of the throw down beside his legs. A piece of it was missing. The piece she had stuck into his memory book. “Robyn…” He breathed. “This is your throw from your couch.”

“Happy birthday.” She smiled.

“You gave me your throw?” He asked incredulously. “But you love this throw.”

“I know but I also know you love it too and it’s your favourite thing to snuggle with and sleep in and seeing as how you are back on set and are going to need to get as much sleep as you can, I thought maybe this will help you when you go back to New York. Also, there was a birthday card in that wrapping paper that you threw on the floor.”

Taron sheepishly grinned and bent down and routed through the paper and picked up the birthday card from the floor. He opened the envelope and the card, reading the sweet simple message inside. “Thank you Robyn but I can’t take this.” He said with his hands on the throw.

“Yes you can. I don’t have the receipt and there is a little corner cut out of it too and also someone kept sleeping in it so even if I wanted to return it I couldn’t.”

“Robyn this is your throw.”

“No, it is yours.”

“You love this throw.”

“No, I love my new throw.” She laughed. “I am kidding! I am kidding!” She said when she saw his face turn. “I want to give it to you Taron. I don’t have a new one but this one is for you.”

“But it’s from your couch.”

“I have cwtch to keep me warm and your hoodie. I want you to have this.”

Taron looked at her and knew he was fighting a losing battle. “Thank you Robyn. I love this throw.”

She grinned. “I know. I want you to bring it back to New York with you. I know it helps you sleep and you look like you need a lot of that.”

“I will and I do and it will help a lot.” Taron reached over and gave her a hug. “Thank you.”

Rubbing his back and dipping her fingers in his hair at his neck, she gave him a squeeze. “You are very welcome. Happy Birthday.”

“Would you like a tour now?”

“Sure.”

Taron took her hand, and leaving the throw on his couch and gave Robyn a full run down of flat. “No air con or rainfall shower but it’s home.” He said once he was finished and they were sitting on the bed in the guest room.

“It’s lovely Taron. I really like it here.”

“Thanks Robyn.”

“So where are you going to sleep?” He asked looking to her for a brief moment before turning his eyes to the ground.

“Sleep?”

“Hmm.”

“Well this room I would imagine.” She answered him. “It is your guest room and I am your guest.”

“Yeah?” He asked lifting his eyes to take in hers.

She furrowed her eyebrows and looked at him confused. “Yes? It’s a guest room. Where your guests sleep.” She saw him avoid her eyes again and start to fidget with his hands and then it clicked with her. “Ahh I see. You are getting used to sharing a bed with me.” She smiled. “Our previous sleeping arrangements were because of circumstances. I have one bed, granted it is a very big one and could probably sleep five people and Elton had one bed. Your home has two. I will take one and you can take yours. Are you pouting?” She asked laughing.

“No.” He sulkily replied.

“That is such a pout!” She nudged him with her shoulder. “I will sleep here and you will sleep in your own bed with your new throw. It makes sense Taron.”

“I thought I made a good pillow.”

“Absolutely you do, but now that there are two beds, I will be taking my own.”

“This is going to be weird.”

“Why?”

“We have always shared a bed.”

Robyn laughed and placed her hand on Taron’s arm. “Oh I am sorry for laughing Taron but you have such a sad little puppy dog look right now and it is absolutely adorable. Sure, we have always shared a bed but only because we had to. Now we don’t. I will happily sleep here.” Taron still looked terribly sad. “I will tell you what. You look utterly shattered so why don’t we head to the couch and pop a movie on, wrap you up in your lovely new throw and you can get a free scratchy head massage.”

“If you hadn’t of mentioned the scratchy head massage, this would not be a deal but I missed out on a head massage at Elton’s and it has been a long day of traveling.”

Robyn smiled. “So easy to bribe you. Food and massages.” She laughed as she got up and walked out of the guest bedroom, Taron following her back toward his sitting room.

Twenty minutes later, Robyn was sitting in the corner of the couch with Taron’s head on her lap. He was curled up neatly on the rest of the couch, with his new throw laid over his legs. It had been one hell of a day for him and finally something was going right. Robyn’s fingers felt wonderful on his head and she easily kneaded his shitty day away.

“Do you have a picture of us in frame on your fireplace?” She asked him.

“Hmm.” He answered her with a hum.

“Really?”

“Well yeah Robyn.” Taron turned his head so he could look up to her. “I love that photo of us and of course I was going to have a picture of us in my home.” Taron lay his head back down and looked to the photo, the one he had taken the night before he left her home where Robyn lay against him with her hand on his chest over his heart. “It’s one of my favourites.”

“I have a picture of us on the piano.”

“Did you take down my selfies?” He asked her.

“No Taron. Your selfies are still on my wall. I have a picture of us from Elton’s on my piano.”

“From Elton’s? One of the ones I sent you?”

“No, one of the ones the media took. Of course one of the ones you sent me, you tosspot.”

“Don’t even mess about the media Robyn.”

“And you don’t get your boxers in a twist over it again. We have already had this conversation and this weekend is not going to be tarnished with that again.”

It wasn’t the picture of Robyn and Taron posing together for the paparazzi that had annoyed Taron. In fact, he had actually really liked how their chosen outfits looked incredible as they matched, teasing Robyn about the fact that she absolutely looked like she belonged in his world.

It was the picture of Robyn with her hand on Taron’s cheek and his eyes closed, his head leaned the tiniest bit into her hand and the one where his kissed her at the side her lips that got the most attention and spiralled the media and internet very quickly that had irritated him. He liked the picture but hated the reaction from it. Various headlines appeared in the newspapers on the Monday that called Taron out for being more than just friends with Robyn and that he carried a ‘look of love’ as Robyn held his face. Their co-ordinated outfits had been scrutinised by the press and they, much to Taron’s infuriation, claimed that the ‘newly star-crossed lovers’ had dressed to make a statement of their new relationship, that they had in fact knew each other before the events of the 7/11 and used it as a cover it for their affair.

Lyndsey had phoned Taron once the morning papers had been placed on the shelves to talk to him and listened to him rant and rave before she got the chance to give her take on the pictures and the stories that were wrote underneath, trying to get him to understand that if actually read the stories properly, only two papers had ran with the lover story, while the rest focused on Elton’s auction and the money raised for his foundation.

While Lyndsey eased Taron’s worries around the papers, Robyn helped him with his anxiety with the social media reaction to their pictures. He was furious as before with her for reading all of the comments and having read some himself he was close to tears with the wicked words some people had wrote about his best friend and the person who had saved his life. It hurt him so much because Robyn meant so much to him and for others to just mouth off without knowing anything was extremely hurtful to him. As before, the majority of the comments were nice but Taron was so focused on the vile ones that Robyn had to turn his attention to how once again most were so grateful that she had been there for him.

“Yeah alright.” He sighed and sighed more happily as Robyn’s fingers dug a little deeper into his head.

“We are over it.”

“We are.” He repeated. “Ugh Robyn, I need one of these every day. Are you ready to come and move you and your couch over to me? I mean I already have your throw and if cwtch is working on his fear of flying, he will be here in no time too.”

She smiled and lifted her right hand from his shoulder and added it to his head. “You are never getting cwtch. He is mine.” She said. “So what time are we meeting your family tomorrow?”

“At the crack of dawn if my sisters had their way, but I have talked them around to a ten am start instead. I hope that is not too early for you after traveling.”

“My travelling was quicker than yours and you flew across continent. You need the sleep not me.” She laughed.

“I have my new old throw. I’ll sleep.”

“Yes you will.” She agreed.

“They also want waffles.” He said really quickly, his words blurred together.

“They want what now?” She asked, her hands stalling in his hair.

“Waffles?” He said again. “For breakfast. My mam bought a waffle maker.”

“Well I think we can do that Taron. We can make waffles.”

“Oh no. They want you to make the waffles. Not me. They want Robyn’s waffles.”

Robyn chuckled and she started to rub his head again. “Is tomorrow going to be a play by play of the book I made for you? I know they love it.”

“Possibly. Actually, the girls were supposed to be going to a sleep over at their friend’s house tomorrow night, which left us adults free to have dinner together but it fell through at the last minute so they are utterly disappointed that their perfect day of meeting Robyn and having a slumber party was ruined. I think they are trying to make up for it by stuffing as much in as they can with you tomorrow. The Elsa plaits were for the benefit of their friends. I think they wanted to show off a little.”

“Ahh Taron they must be utterly disappointed about the sleep over. That is every little girls dream to sit up all night giggling and of course they wanted to show off their Elsa plaits.”

“There were a lot of tears.”

“Poor little chickens. I would love to make waffles with them and still give them Elsa plaits. I am very excited to finally meet them. Tomorrow we will make their day special.”

“I am going to be pushed to the side.”

“Taron you have had your Robyn time, two whole weeks of it actually. Now it’s time for your family to have a little fun.”

He groaned and rolled over onto his back so he could look up at her. “I know my sisters and mam adore you already but this weekend is just going to tip them over the edge. Maybe I will stay here and sleep and leave you to it.”

Robyn grinned down at him. “Yeah that’s a great idea. Let the girls play.”

“Wish you had of brought cwtch now.” He laughed. “We could have had sat in our boxers, with a beer and watch some football.”

Robyn laughed out loud, enjoying how Taron laughed with her. It had only been two weeks since she had seen him but she had missed his easy smile and laugh, even more so when their last few conversations had been strained and heated, both getting slightly frustrated with each other at the opposite reaction they had to the media. It was nice just to sit with him and have their usual easy-going conversation.

“First off, you watching football? I don’t think so and second Cwtch doesn’t own clothes.”

“That’s ok with me. I have sat on this couch with no clothes before.”

“Ugh Taron, you know I love you but that is way too much information.”

“Robyn, how do you know I haven’t sat all over your house with no clothes on. You were in work and I was home alone.”

It was Taron’s turn to squirm a little as she moved her left hand down to his side and gently tickled him. “Maybe I need to go home and sterilise my couch and bed.”

“Hmm maybe.”

“I am definitely asking your mother for all of your baby photos and there had better be one of you in a bathtub.”

She reached for his side again but his right hand caught hers and brought it back to his hair. “I am still running with the idea to stay here on my couch tomorrow.”

“Your mam will drag you home whether you are wearing clothes or not. Do you want to be walked through Aberystwyth like that?”

“So, waffles made by sisters and best friend tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a wonderful breakfast.” Smiled Robyn as she resumed her left hand in his hair while her right moved to rest on his chest over his heart.

[nessamaurice]

Simple Ch. 6 (Loki x F!Reader)

Masterlist

Summary: Tony and the Avengers are in desperate need of something like a “babysitter” to have an eye on Loki and teach him “how to human”. He decided to stay on Midgard over the dungeons of Asgard as punishment for his deeds in New York. That’s where you swoop in. A simple receptionist at the Avengers compound. You have to share an apartment in the compound with Loki and damn, he’s a really tough nut. With your open and kind character it seems that you are slowly cracking his shell. But suddenly things are getting twists that will change your life and your relationships there irreversibly.

Story rating: M

Chapter trigger warnings: harming

Words: 2108

6

It turned out the tests Bruce made with you seemed to be alright, nothing you didn't knew or that wasn’t indicated before. The following days passed without anything special happening, except your relation with Loki. You tried to pick up the conversation with Loki again but apparently the moment was over. He shut himself off again. But you didn't miss out that he continued to feel more comfortable around you. The next day he accepted your tea offering for the first time. That made you ridiculously happy and you couldn't hide the big grin appearing on your face.

"What's so funny?"

"What? Oh, no, nothing." After a few moments of silence you couldn't hold back, "Do you like my tea? Today I chose a rose flavored green tea. I love the scent of roses. I don't like the flowers themselves, they are everywhere you look, being pretentious, I'm just weary of them, but their scent...“ You let out a little, soft moan. „Wonderful."

Your rambling was met with silence and you almost gave in, disappointed. But before you looked away you could see a small smirk tugging on his lips.

A few days later you just couldn't contain yourself anymore. You turned in your winged chair to Loki.

"How are you feeling today?"

"...What?"

"How do you feel? We've been sharing these rooms for quite a few days now and have barely spoken to each other. Tell me something. Anything. Or ask me something! Just let us interact in any way. I can't take it any longer."

He looked you straight in the eyes, the dimmed sunlight making the green-blue almost glow. Then a question seemed to pop up in his mind.

"What are you reading?"

You looked down at the book on your lap. "What I’m reading? Oh, that is something specific. It's called Antiquitates Iudaicae. It's not that easy to read, it's not like a novel or something, it is more like a history book. The text is about 1900 years old. A roman-jewish historian named Flavius Josephus tries to explain his beliefs to the Greek to help them understand his culture."

"Why are you reading this, since it is not easy to read?"

"I am a faithful person and it helps me a bit understanding the setting and the time when the bible was written. There are no other ancient Jews from the first century left around here, so I wanted to know how he tried to explain his culture to persons that have no relation with it."

"So, you believe in god? Then you must be humbled to be in the presence of one." A lofty expression appeared on his face, but was wiped away the second you started laughing.

"I'm sorry, really. Don't want to be disrespectful. But do you really think you are a god? Just because you have access to other dimensions and live a few thousand years? Not that this wouldn't be highly impressive, honestly. But you are as far away from being a god than I am. You are a creation, not a creator."

Loki wanted to say something but the words kept stuck in his throat. His face turned sly.

"You have no idea what I am capable of." His voice was low and husky.

"You are completely right. If there was some sort of food chain, I'd clearly be beyond you because of your many skills and knowledge. But they don't make you the summit, neither. Look, I totally see why the ancient Norse people thought of you as gods. What you can do is really admirable. But I would never give you this title. I got too much respect of it."

Loki tried to swallow down his anger. He really wanted to behave but even more he wanted you to explain that. "So, what do you think deserves this title?"

"Love. Compassion. Mercy. Omnipotence. I think, nothing in the whole universe happens without him allowing it to happen. Even the bad things. For the most people it's hard to accept that. They blame him for all the terrible things. It's not like that he would cause the bad things to happen. But he knows exactly what's going on. He knows every outcome of every move. And, I believe, he leads us on the tracks we should go. Not like we are just marionettes and he sets every move, but at some points, big decisions that give our lifes a turn, he may give us a certain push. A lot dreadful stuff happened to me in my life, but who knows that it couldn't have been even worse? Who is able to say the way it went is not the best of all possibilities? Even if it is hard to cope with, I know he gives me the strength to get through. Whether it is some sort of energy that comes from within me or he puts people in my life that will help me with whatever comes my way. But that is my totally personal point of view. The nice thing is, I don't have to persuade anyone to believe the same. My faith is individual. Nobody has to agree with me. This is what helps me get through life. Not to give up.... What sort of faith do you have? ...if you have one at all?"

Loki listened carefully and his face slowly softened as he followed your thoughts. He seemed a bit surprised as you addressed the question to him, like he was asked for his opinion for the first time in his life.

"That is a very interesting point of view, I have to admit. I can imagine that it is not very popular, but interesting, though. I... I never really developed something you could call faith. My culture is full of myths and legends. I learned everything about our Allfathers and Gods, but never took it really personal. I was not attracted to do so."

He stopped talking and started pondering on that thought. You watched his face, his eyes getting lost. You used the opportunity to take a closer look and studied his face. It was edgy and delicate at the same time. His bright eyes pierced right through you every time he looked at you. He was very concentrated on what he wanted to say next, so you simply kept quiet and waited for him to form his thoughts into words. It was rather beautiful to watch his mind work.

After a short while he continued, "I think there might be something like a higher force that has impact on our lives. But that started just recently. I long thought that I am the master of every of my own steps and if I place them right, everything will work out just fine. I will get what I want if I only fight hard enough for it. So that's what I did, I fought for my own purposes. But all I got was misery, sorrow and hatred." 

You could literally see his pain boiling up from the inside. It was tearing him in two. You reacted out of instinct and reached out to lay your hand on his cheek. His eyes darted at you immediately, turning glassy. Softly you stroke over his cheek with your thumb. You wished you could just pull him into a tight embrace and help him let go of all expectations towards himself. To put down his guard. It was like you could literally feel his inner need of ease and solace. But he was just too much of a proud man. He pressed his lips together and pushed your hand away, abruptly stood up, stepping towards the window front, staring outside with his arms crossed.

"I'm sorry." Was all that came to your mind. Pathetic, you thought. And he thought that as well.

"You have no idea what you are talking about." He hissed turning towards you. "Don't act like you would understand. YOU HAVE NO IDEA!" He shouted at you and disappeared right in front of your eyes. You sat there in your winged chair, nonplussed. You looked around the room, but no sight of him.

Far beyond puzzled, you started to talk with the air. "I... I don't if you are still here? But, I wanted to say that you are right. I have no idea what you've been through. What it feels like to be in your skin. If I were, I know I would have done the same that you did, because you are the only person that feels this way. I am no one to judge. I never judge. Well, at least I try. The big truth is that it's simply impossible to compare individuals with each other. We are the summaries of our experiences and we all have our very own way of perceiving the world around us. So, I have to add as well that you also have no idea what you are talking about. I do understand. Traumata are a serious thing and everyone reacts differently to that, but don't treat me like I had no empathy. Maybe everyone else treated you like you didn't even had the right to speak your mind, but I'm not like this. You are intelligent and attentive and if you haven't noticed that by now, you are obviously blinded by some kind of rage and hatred. And pride. But I don't want to push you. Just know that I won't let you treat me like this. I will not leave you because I can imagine that you've been left too often in your life, but I will not tolerate it. Okay, and because it feels like I have a serious conversation with myself outside of my head I'm gonna go into the kitchen to get me a drink because that's fucking strange. Feel free to join me there."

You sat on a barstool and looked out of the giant window front at the other side of the even bigger room. You felt the cold sweat of the glass condensing in your hand, running over your fingers. Totally lost in your thoughts you didn't notice Steve sitting down next to you. He really tried not to startle you but failed.

"Sorry Y/N. Just thought you looked like something was on your mind you'd like to talk about?"

"No problem. Ah, no, it's okay. There were just some intense emotions between Loki and me."

Looking at his raised eyebrows you awkwardly cleared your throat as you explained yourself, "Oh no no no, not something like that. Totally not. No no." Somehow you dwelled in that thought a bit too long.

"Well, that were lots of 'no's but okay." Steve laughed and pushed you slightly with his shoulder to the side.

Before you could blush too obviously you changed topic, "Have you seen Tony? The last time I saw him was when were having pizza. Is everything alright?"

"To be honest I haven't seen him, neither. Well, at least not in person. I walked by the lab and saw him video chatting with Bruce, so he must be okay. But don't worry, wouldn't be the first time he disappears for a few days without telling anyone. ... Are you sure you don't want to talk about what's weighing you down?"

"Thank you Steve. Everything's fine." You conjured a smile though you didn't felt like smiling which made it totally implausible. But Steve accepted you didn't want to talk right now. He assured you can knock on his door whenever you wanted before he left the open kitchen of the common room again. You really, really hoped Loki would show up in the kitchen. You imagined both of you together having a drink, talking, enjoying each other's companionship... But you were pulled out of your day dream by a polite voice.

"Miss Y/N, your presence is demanded outside of the personal rooms."

"What? Me? For what?" You thought JARVIS sounded differently than usual.

"I am sorry, Miss, but I was not given further information than it being important and urgent."

"Uhm, okay. Sure. Just a sec." You gulped down the rest of your Gin Tonic and jumped off the barstool. For a moment it felt like someone was slightly brushing your arm as to hold you. You stopped, looked around, but didn't see anyone, so you went on.

After you slipped into your shoes and a coat you were going down to the ground floor with the lift. The doors opened and the blood in your veins froze. Two giant, black-suited men immediately entered the lift. One grabbed your arms and pulled them violently behind your back and the other one pressed a strongly sweet smelling piece of fabric on your mouth and nose. You felt a sharp sting right into the side of your neck just before everything went limp and dark.

Taglist: @it-jinxed-us​, @humbledarkness​, @lunawitch19

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

what more can you do?

WOO! this week’s episode was sad and weird and badly paced and startlingly, unevenly mature in true titans fashion. i loved it (with reservations)! let’s talk about it in excruciating detail:

SPOILERS ahead.

1. i can’t say that i’m awfully thrilled about the show following up on a character’s literal suicide attempt by... not addressing said suicide attempt at all. maybe it’s the awkward way an entire episode’s worth of flashback was shoehorned in between the end of 2.07--where dick literally talked jason off the ledge while in the throes of a psychotic break of his own--and the beginning of this one, but it’s honestly not just bad storytelling, but irresponsible storytelling. 

1.5. in a general sense, tho, the tableau at the beginning of the episode is so egregiously unfair--so shockingly, plainly one-sided, with a slump shouldered dick facing the world, only kory on his side, that it’s quite apparent that it’s the lowest these heroes can go. and i do think their individual reactions to dick’s confession provide an interesting insight into their characters. hank and dawn have been operating alone for so long, each a reminder of their traumas and losses and very human frailty to the other, without even the resources that dick and the batman enjoy. it’s been them v the world for so goddamn long; is it any wonder that they were looking for the first excuse to bail out of there, to not Deal with the idea that what they were doing to deal with their traumas and guilt was clearly not working, and dick was--and has been always--so willing to be the scapegoat? hank punching dick was utterly unwarranted--but i can accept that as part of the unaddressed emotional outbursts arising out of years of accumulated head injuries from both college football and vigilantism. (this isn’t to excuse what he did but to contextualise it within hank’s history and personality.) their instinct when facing ugly truths is to retreat to what they think is familiar and what they need--except, as hank realises later in the episode, that’s exactly what’s fucking them up further.

rose is understandably upset at being lied to about her brother’s death and the titans being complicit in the same--but i’m curious that her reaction was to merely leave and not try and fight them. maybe after being defeated by dick while sparring and nearly being killed by rachel she was sensible enough to realise that she couldn’t take them on all at once? i don’t know--she’s curiously been a bit of a cipher this season. jason leaving with her made sense tho--unburdened of the weight of being the team’s scapegoat, understandably miffed at dick for keeping a secret that nearly cost him his life and left him with a great deal of trauma, just Angry at the world in general, he gravitates towards rose, the only other outsider/rebel who tried to reach out to him when everybody else shunned him or looked at him like an impostor. i think the decision was more impulsive than anything--they still look confused and uncertain in the taxi as they leave the tower behind. but--i don’t know. theirs is the storyline that i’m the most perplexed about. we just don’t have a lot of information about either of them, rose especially. 

(a part of me still thinks she’s slade’s mole in the tower. but why would she leave if she is? to keep up appearances bc to react in any other way to the news of her brother’s death would be suspicious? maybe she left because her job is done and the titans were splitting up? maybe she was part of the long game to seduce jason over to slade’s side--seeking revenge for dick swaying jericho over to the titans’? am i going to stop asking myself questions in this post? am i ever going to write a review that’s not just stream-of-consciousness nonsense? only time will tell.)

DONNA. oh, donna. her decision to leave seems to me a logical continuation of her s2 arc that i’d talked about in a previous review--paranoid, insecure, retraumatised, and taking out her frustrations on jason and dick. it’s also very interesting to me that she complained to rachel about dick treating them like “soldiers” and only told them things that he deemed that they “need[ed] to know.”  it was because of jillian and whatever mysterious business that themyscira was conducting in sf that she and garth and slade ever landed up in that airport at all; even worse, jillian deemed it was something that donna didn’t need to know until it was too late. donna lost so much in that fiasco--the man she loved, her friends, several members of her amazon family, and her sense of purpose, her belief in her strength and her destiny and her faith that other people trusted her as a warrior and as a leader. she’s projecting all that pain onto dick--who again, doesn’t deserve all this shit but takes it anyway because of his own issues.

1.8. and, like. as much as jericho’s death became the Traumatic Event that overshadowed almost everything else in dick’s life for the last five years and helps explain a lot of his hang-ups right from s1, it just doesn’t have the same significance for the others. don’t get me wrong--i’m sure hank, donna and dawn are devastated and guilty about the part that they had to play in manipulating jericho and his eventual death. but their issues with each other, with the titans tower and with their past run deeper and in different directions, and i think all of that came into play when they each decided to go their separate ways.

1.95. idek what the fuck is going on with rachel. i felt every ounce of dick’s heartbreak and devastation when she got up to leave with donna. for all that she saved dick in the first episode of this season, she still hasn’t reached the point where she’s willing to unburden her emotions and issues on him. it must be frustrating and sad for her to realise just how much dick didn’t trust her either. but there’s something else going on as well: maybe she’s realised she has no real control over her re-emerging powers, and, carrying on with the fatalistic attitude she had at the end of 2.05, she wants to spare the titans the chaos and darkness that she carries around with her. (she’s used to running away at this point, after all.) she goes with donna bc donna knows her the least: it would therefore be easy to fool her and escape. 

2. more faddei! and kory backstory! \o/ 

it’s curious that they never once bring up trigon, because s1 gave the impression that she’d come to earth with a specific mission to seek his portal out and destroy it before he could, y’know, Fuck The Universe Up. faddei makes it sound like kory just went on this fun little sabbatical before taking up royal duties, which kiiinda undercuts a lot of what was cool about her s1 arc. i realise you aren’t entirely happy with your freshman season, titans, and s2 looks like it might be a soft reboot, but you don’t have to mutilate it like this!

but seriously. the stakes just got upped exponentially for kory, and it would be really interesting to see where she goes from here. apart from a promise to rachel, she doesn’t really owe the rest of the titans anything--not that i think she views relationships in such transactional terms, of course. on the other hand, abandoning her responsibilities on tamaran has led to its takeover by an unfit leader and the deaths of several of her family and friends. the choice shouldn’t be a choice at all. she should go back home. and yet--she waited too long, and the choice has been taken away from her. faddei is dead, both of their ships are destroyed, and she is stuck on earth, grieving and frustrated and furious. kory is usually very clear headed about exactly where she stands emotionally, but after such a big event, she must be feeling so much pain, guilt, sorrow, anger, even resentment. it’s so easy to look at kory’s level-headedness and open, empathetic personality and use her to prop up other characters, but i hope that this isn’t always the case, and that she’ll be allowed to really work through these emotions while somebody else looks out for her. 

2.35. (the little snippets of faddei and kory just enjoying the shit out of the Little Things that humanity has to offer is just... it filled me with so much warmth. i wouldn’t mind an entire episode of them just chilling and exploring and annoying each other with badly-applied out-of-context pop culture references)

2.5. blackfire! i don’t know much about comics!blackfire beyond “she was starfire’s sister, Evil, and possibly sold her sister into slavery??? yikes” so i’m just going purely off what the show has revealed about her so far. it was honestly disconcerting to see so many references to her possible disability (?) and to see both that and the efforts to accommodate her spoken about in... i want to say mocking way? i don’t know. i just saw a murder mystery/thriller movie today where the serial killer was revealed to have been both disabled from birth and mentally ill, and maybe i’m just feeling extra sensitive to the truly disturbing and pervasive trope of having disabled characters be Evil--and tying their Evil to their disability. 

2.8. anyhow, blackfire appears to have accumulated a fair bit of power in the time that kory’s been gone: not only can she remotely possess other tamaraneans but she can blow up their ships too. (and didn’t faddei say that she had goons on the ground, looking for starfire?)

2.9. it’s a Lot to deal with this late in the season. maybe kory will leave for tamaran to deal with blackfire once and for all at the end of the season. and if titans ends up cancelled, wouldn’t that be a bittersweet ending.

(wherein ‘bittersweet’ translates to ‘devastating’ ofc)

3. oh where do i even start with dick

his worst fears came true. after his confession, not only did his old friends up and leave, but so did rachel and jason, which he found more heartbreaking than anything else. utterly consumed by guilt and convinced more than ever before of his culpability, he actively seeks out ways to self-flagellate, first by going to adeline to apologise, then by banishing himself, then by making sure he is punished (tho i have my doubts on that last one; will elaborate a little later). after watching him have an extended psychotic break and dash into not one but two suicide missions, watching dick grayson do this to himself feels like watching an extended feature on human suffering. it’s not fun, or pretty, and i can feel it reaching its nadir so that dick can bounce back up again, but i hope it happens soon.

(dick’s natural tendency to internalise guilt and responsibility into a hard little diamond core at his centre and his long training with batman with all the emphasis on secrets and subterfuge with a healthy underpinning of paranoia ironically means that he does so much goddamn emotional labour for this team. he’s the glue that keeps them together, that gives them purpose. he’s trying so hard to do good by everybody that he isn’t really able to achieve it with any of them, which leads to another self-flagellating spiral and him determining to try harder and the cycle just keeps going on. only kory seems to have ever broken this cycle, because she’s never demanded anything of him, nor he of her. it’s really sad to think how bereft dick feels right now, and more than that, how it’s stopping him from being there for the people who really do need him and trust him, like gar and rachel.)

3.25. adeline makes a very good point about how merely apologising doesn’t mean you’re owed forgiveness, and that seeking it out after all these years is a self-serving exercise in itself. but i can see dick taking it hard, especially after discovering that she’s letting slade--the man who actually killed her son--recuperate at her home. (and let’s be clear: however good her intentions, she participated in lying to her child about the truth of what his father actually does. wow, jericho was really just fucked over by pretty much every one he loved, wasn’t he?)

but i am glad to see dick isn’t so far gone that he takes the blame for jericho’s death in front of slade. he’s very aware that slade has permanently broken the team and very aware of the threat slade poses if they ever try to get back together again, but he’s not going to completely surrender every last shred of his self-worth and dignity to this man, and that was refreshing to see.

3.5. so he banishes himself to the farthest place he can think of with nothing more than the shirt on his back and a single duffel bag. it’s so over-the-top yet so... dick grayson.

3.8. BUT WAIT! ~PLOT TWIST~

ok so here’s what’s happening, all right? strap in:

a) jericho is one hundred percent inside slade. i have no doubts about this. adeline knows this too. it’s why she was so even-keeled while talking to dick, why she confidently said that jericho loved dick, and why she said “they” might be willing to forgive him. i’m thinking when slade crawled back home, jericho took advantage of his father’s momentary weakness to tell what was happening to his mother. 

b) jericho tried to communicate to dick. i saw something somewhere which said that slade had gestured something very specific in asl while conversing with dick? i’m willing to believe that was intentional.

c) when dick was turning to leave and slade called him one last time and gave his “banishment sentence” jericho likely jumped bodies from slade to dick

d) so why did dick get himself arrested at the airport?

- dick was going through, as others have speculated, a dissociative episode. given how he’s exhibited signs of mental illness throughout this season this isn’t that far out of the realm of possibility, but it’s a weak and redundant narrative bridge and wasn’t shot in a way that suggested that it was a mental break. so i’m ruling this out.

- jericho took over. maybe he felt that this was the only way he could force dick to stay in sf. maybe some of his father’s anger/resentment leeched into him and he wanted to dick to experience some actual punishment instead of scarpering again. maybe he was overwhelmed by dick’s own self-flagellating tendencies and chose the shortest route to maximum pain. maybe it’s a combination of all three.

- dick finally got his brain into gear and realised at the last minute that jericho had possessed slade and was trying to tell him something. why he then proceeded to get himself arrested instead of running out of the airport is a mystery.

personally, i’m leaning towards the ‘jericho possessed dick’ possibility.

4. gar is such a sweetheart and i am so glad that he took centrestage this episode, even though, like always, it was to support another character and ended up with him crying and begging for help from an unresponsive dick. *sighs*

4.5. much like dick himself, he’s trying to do good by everybody, only to end up badly misjudging a situation, and all alone. 

5. oof. this has gone on for far too long and i am Tired. more thoughts to come later, because right now my brain is as disorganised as... as disorganised as a titans episode. hah! self-burn!!!

[olliedollie1204]

what if moxiety talked about their issues and also deceit is there

spoilers for “Are There Healthy Distractions?”

this is a weird concept that got out of hand but hear me out. i wrote a scene that could have taken place in ATHD, picking up around 6:28 and replacing the scene up until 7:17. i’ve seen people worried that a) Patton and Virgil were somewhat tense with each other in this video, and b) Deceit wasn’t at movie night. ironically, i don’t think either of these things necessarily imply angst in canon, BUT i still came up with an idea of how to address both of these in one lil fic!

straight up tho, I genuinely think that, between the writing, acting, and editing combined, ATHD is one of the most impressive videos in the entire sanders sides canon (second only to Learning New Things About Ourselves). i’m beyond thrilled that the team is experimenting with new concepts and ideas!! it rocks man!!

word count: 2,553

“No, should Thomas be staying home right now?”

“Well, Virgil, Thomas made his decision, and I think we should all just try to settle into it.”

Virgil looked at Patton for a beat longer before bringing his gaze back to the screen. “Hm.”

The silence thickened in the room, with the musical number happening on screen somehow not seeming loud enough.

Patton broke it first. “I hope you’re not... blaming yourself?”

“I-” Virgil’s eyes widened slightly, but he quickly pulled back into his normal expression. “I don’t know. I mean, I am the one who pulled the plug on our party plans.”

“Nice alliteration,” Logan mumbled, eyes glued to the screen.

Virgil darted his eyes to Logan, lips quirking briefly. “Thanks. But, uh,” he continued, looking down at his clasped hands, “I mean, I could maybe understand if you think that, uh, someone else should... you know.” He shrugged lightly, meeting Patton’s eyes. “Shoulder the blame?”

“Nope!” Patton answered far too quickly. He tried to cover up his mistake with a light laugh. “I-I mean, I just wanted to check how you’re feeling.”

Virgil looked disappointed. “Oh.”

“Uh, Pat, I’m confused.” Roman leaned forward to look at Patton quizzically. “Do you want Virgil to blame himself, or not?”

Patton’s expression turned slightly panicked. “Of course I don’t want him to blame himself!”

“Of course Patton doesn’t want Virgil to blame himself.” Deceit’s voice rang out from his position against the wall, near where Patton stood for videos. He had a sleeping bag pulled against his chest as he reclined, able to see both the TV and the sides on the couch simultaneously.

Virgil’s eyes narrowed. Patton blinked in confusion.

“I don’t,” he said uneasily.

Deceit smirked. “And why would you? It’s not like he’s the one controlling our dear Thomas’ emotional state or anything.”

“Actually, although Patton is technically the figurehead of Thomas’ emotions, Virgil’s presence has a significant enough impact to influence his emotional state at any given time,” Logan stated plainly, too distracted by the surprisingly enthralling movie to detect the tension in the current conversation.

“Especially in this instance,” he continued, unaware of Roman making a horribly unsubtle throat-slashing gesture from the other side of the couch, “when the inciting incident of Thomas’ current anxiety was actually caused by his moral outrage, which is ironic, given the proximity of Virgil and Patton’s friendship-”

“Oh-kay, hey!” Roman interjected with faux cheer, finally catching Logan’s eye, causing him to falter. “I think we should all just... watch the movie! All of us!”

He jerked his head in Deceit’s direction, hoping beyond hope that Logan would understand the universal signal for “stop giving this guy ammunition to work against us, Logan, please stop talking, for once!”

Logan’s eyes widened slightly. Message received. “Ah. Apologies for interrupting, Roman. I would hate to miss a moment of this... fantastical, frivolous film.”

“Well, isn’t this interesting?” Deceit asked, ignoring Roman and Logan’s attempt at changing the subject. “I guess, in this case, the side to be blamed for causing poor Thomas all this trouble is... both of you.” He grinned, eyeing the two sides in question. “Funny how that happens.”

“Lay off, Deceit,” Virgil muttered, crossing his arms as he tried to watch the screen. “Don’t bring him into this.”

“Virgil...” Patton started, but couldn’t finish. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He just didn’t like the way Virgil was curled in on himself. An uncomfortable, unidentifiable feeling wormed into Patton’s stomach.

“Go on, Patton. Do finish your thought,” Deceit pushed. “How do you feel about Virgil blaming himself for all this trouble?”

Virgil tightened his grip on his arms.

“I don’t think Virgil should blame himself,” Patton mumbled, feeling the pain in his stomach worsen. He wished Deceit would just drop it.

“So, he should blame you then?”

Virgil glared at Deceit. “Don’t.”

“I mean, look at him, Patton. Our dear friend Virgil isn’t handling this well at all.”

“I’m handling it just fine,” Virgil snapped.

“Oh, truly, of course you are. Because ‘handling’ a difficult social interaction by becoming a hermit is the image of stability.”

Roman scoffed. “One impromptu movie night does not make Thomas a hermit!”

“Indeed,” Logan added. “A hermit is one who lives in solitude as a practice of religious discipline. Unless Thomas has decided to become a devout follower of Idina Menzel, he does not fit the criterion.”

Roman looked pensive. “Well-”

“That was not a suggestion, Roman.”

“Can we all just stop talking about it?” Virgil said in a raised tone. “I know I’m the fuck up here, I’m sorry I ruined our plans, and I blame myself.” He turned to Deceit, eyes narrowed. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Deceit smiled and opened his mouth to speak again. Patton looked at the pain on Virgil’s face, and made his decision.

“Virgil should be blaming me,” he announced, setting his mug down harder than necessary. “I caused all of this. It’s all my fault.”

All of the sides’ attention went to Patton. The pain in his stomach intensified greatly.

Virgil was stunned into silence.

Finally, Deceit smirked. “Well, Patton, I’m thrilled at your confession,” he said, breaking the silence. “Although frankly, it took much longer than it should have. I think I can speak for Virgil when I say-”

“You do not ever speak for me,” Virgil said forcefully, whipping around to face him.

“Oh, really?” Decit replied, folding his arms and peering at Virgil. “So you don’t blame Patton for what you’re feeling right now?”

Patton inhaled sharply, and waited for Virgil’s response. There was an uncomfortable pause before Virgil huffed, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not explaining myself to you.”

Deceit gasped. “Ooh, a non-answer to my rhetorical question! Bold new strategy.”

“Deceit, if I may. What do you stand to gain from this confrontation?”

“Me? Why, I’m not looking to gain anything! Really, I’m just looking out for Thomas.”

“Yeah, if ‘looking out for Thomas’ means ‘being a dick until everyone feels bad and movie night is ruined’.”

“I don’t believe I should have to explain that that is not what ‘looking out for Thomas’ means, Roman.”

Belatedly, Patton realized what the unfamiliar feeling in his stomach was. It wasn’t guilt from hurting Virgil. It wasn’t regret from hurting Thomas. It was a deeper, more personal shame.

“But I’m sure Thomas is just so glad to finally know that he can’t trust his own heart to not let him down,” Deceit continued, unfettered. “Truthfully, it’s about time.”

Virgil slammed his fists down onto his thighs. “Can you stop lying?”

Deceit chuckled maliciously. “No. Now, Patton-”

“Wait,” Logan interjected, hand raised. “Do you mean- was that a ‘no’, as in, ‘no, I can’t stop lying’, in which case your truthful answer of ‘no’ was a lie- but if that was a lie, then the truthful answer is ‘yes’, as in, ‘yes, I can stop lying’, which, your answer of ‘no’ then would contradict that fact-”

The deceptive side blinked. “I- what? Shut up... what?”

“Yeah, that one made my head hurt,” Roman added.

“I lied! I’m sorry!” Patton’s outburst stopped the other sides in their tracks. Again, everyone turned to look at the moral side- Logan and Roman with trepidation, Virgil with disbelief, and Deceit with a smug satisfaction.

“You lied?” Virgil replied dully.

“Not about the ‘I-don’t-want-you-to-blame-yourself’ part,” Patton added hastily. “But...”

He bit his lip slightly, eyes furtively darting around, before taking a deep breath and meeting Virgil’s gaze again.

“But I don’t want to be blamed either,” he said with uncharacteristic somberness.

Roman and Logan exchanged glances. Virgil kept his eyes locked on Patton.

Patton fiddled with his mug before continuing. “I- I know it’s irrational,” he continued. “It’s... illogical and unfair to try to absolve myself of any blame. But I just feel like... you guys don’t get how much this hurt me- me, specifically,” he emphasized. “I mean, obviously it hurt us all. But it’s not just the fact that Rico used to hold different beliefs. It’s- it’s knowing that he used to condemn both Thomas’ most personal moral beliefs, and his core emotions. I mean, his morals and emotions? That’s literally my entire thing!”

Patton felt himself getting worked up again. He tightened his grip on his mug, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I shouldn’t have taken over like I did.”

The other sides stayed silent. They all remembered the conversation with Rico, the sick moment of realization at what he was admitting to, how Logan had attempted to rationalize Thomas’ response but was almost physically pushed aside as Patton rose to the forefront of his mind. Patton’s anger, sharp and cold, and the way he couldn’t stop, even as Logan and Virgil and even Roman tried to calm him.

The way Virgil begged Patton to stop, stop, before he’d do something he’d regret. The way Patton, for the first time in a long time, refused to hold back out of fear of the consequences of speaking from the (figurative) heart.

And now, this evening. How Patton couldn’t take it back. How Virgil couldn’t let it go.

Patton forced himself to meet Virgil’s eyes. The anxious side stared back, unblinking.

“I hate that this is hurting you so badly. I really, really hate it, and I’m sorry. But I can’t lie and say that I regret it. I don’t. I can’t.”

Another silence. The high-pitched cartoon voices continued to blare from the TV. Patton found, with some small relief, that his stomach no longer hurt.

Everyone was looking at Virgil, whose fists were digging into his thighs. The hood from his onesie had fallen slightly over his face; Patton could no longer see his expression.

After what felt like an eternity, Virgil’s fists unclenched.

“...Thank you for your honesty, Patton.”

Patton looked at Virgil with wide eyes. The latter straightened up slightly, pushing his hood back to look at Patton directly. Deceit quirked a brow, but Virgil continued before he could speak.

“Of course I’m glad that you stood up for what you believe in. You are Thomas’ heart, and it wouldn’t be fair to you if you couldn’t stand up for yourself.” As Virgil spoke, he ran his hands across his thighs, letting the texture of his skeleton onesie calm him.

“Your reaction may not have been the best, but you did the right thing. And I’m not mad at you. But if I can also be honest,” he added, cutting a glare to Deceit before returning his gaze to Patton, “you did put Thomas- me, specifically- in a difficult situation. And I know that wasn’t your intent, but I’m not gonna lie. It kinda sucks right now.”

Patton twisted his mouth into a grimace before looking down at his mug. “I get that, Virge,” he said softly.

Virgil softened in return. “I don’t blame you, Patton... at least, not just you,” he added, eyes flicking away from Patton’s for a moment. “I just need some time to work through this whole thing.”

The two sides looked at each other. Logan and Roman leaned forward slightly, ready to intervene if this olive branch was not accepted.

Finally, Virgil offered Patton a sad smile. Patton hesitated, then returned it. The two broke their gaze, looking down at their respective laps.

Another silence. Logan and Roman side-eyed each other, similar expressions of surprise on their faces.

“Wow, Virgil,” Deceit suddenly drawled. “What impressive conflict resolution. Truly, you’ve made us all so proud.”

“Okay, Two-Face, you know what?” Roman interjected in annoyance, leaning forward to meet Deceit’s eyes. “It’s one thing to instigate conflict between two of my best friends for no good reason-”

“Thanks, Princey,” Patton said, giving him an appreciative smile.

“-But what’s more, you’ve been talking forever and I’ve missed far too much dialogue already!”

“Thanks, Princey,” Virgil muttered, giving him a thumbs up.

“Do you want to be excused? Is that it? You want to be released from the terrible punishment that is movie night?” Roman flopped back on his throne of pillows, waving his arm exasperatedly. “I just thought it’d be nice to spend some time together when you’re not being a jerk, but if you want to leave-”

Deceit gasped, one hand coming to rest on his cheek. “No, Roman, why would I want to leave? I love the thought of being stuck out here with you nerds watching ‘Frozen’ for the dozenth time.” As he spoke, Deceit rose from his spot against the wall, making sure to block everyone’s view of the screen as he crossed the room to the staircase. “It’s not like I voted to watch ‘Coco’ or anything.”

Logan sipped his iced coffee. “Remus is back there.”

“Hey.” The intrusive side appeared just as Deceit made it to the bottom of the stairs.

“Oh my God-” Deceit reeled backwards before catching himself on the railing. “Oh, fuck. You gotta- you gotta stop doing that, man.”

“But you’re a liar!” Remus replied gleefully. “So you’re telling me to keep doing it! Right?”

“Oh, for fuck’s- I can’t. I just can’t deal with you tonight.” With that, Deceit turned and went up the stairs, giving an exasperated sigh as he exited.

The sides were quiet once again.

“You know, I’m not surprised he’s a fan of ‘Coco’,” Roman remarked idly. “That- that seems right.”

~Later~

“Olaf fully melts by the fire while accompanying a dying Anna,” Roman started, with a rapidly building enthusiasm. Although Logan would not have necessarily elected for Thomas to spend the next few hours rewriting a children’s film to be more narratively satisfying, he did have to admit that he was pleased that the creative side seemed to be taking his suggestion to heart.

Speaking of heart, Logan peered at Patton on the floor. He was fully engaged in Roman’s brainstorming, making all of the appropriate response faces for the situation. He was so engaged, in fact, that he did not seem to notice Virgil tapping his back with a socked foot.

Logan noticed. Tuning Roman out, he attempted to subtly observe as Virgil managed to get Patton’s attention.

The moral side looked over his shoulder; although his face was partly obscured by the angle, Logan could still make out his worried expression. Virgil’s spiral earlier had been troubling for several reasons, not least of which was the fact that he directly referenced how Patton was a factor in his anxiety. Logan wondered, not for the first time, if the two sides’ friendship was genuinely mutually beneficial. They had found themselves at odds before, of course- all of them had, at one point or another. Despite their strengths, Patton and Virgil were both highly emotionally charged, which could serve as either a benefit or a hindrance when the two worked together.

Logan watched as Patton mouthed something unidentifiable to Virgil. Virgil nodded, inhaling slowly and releasing the breath. Another pause, then Virgil gave Patton a small thumbs up.

Patton’s lips quirked up in a relieved smile. He returned the gesture.

Logan saw as both of the sides relaxed, the tension leaving their bodies almost visible, before the two turned back to debate the merits of Roman’s ‘Frozen’ fanfic.

The logical side grinned to himself, fixing his tie. Maybe his fellow sides could help each other, after all.

[lokilickedme]

Because things have been odd lately...

I know some people aren’t understanding my behavior in the last week or so.  I know I’ve been “off”.  I know I’ve been less interactive.  I know some people have taken silence and lack of response on my part as something personal against them.

It’s not.

I’m going to tell you something.  If you clicked and continued reading, then you care enough for this to matter, or you’re curious, or bored and looking for someone else’s drama to entertain you.  It’s fine, I’m the same way.

But this is important, to me at least.

For the first time in my entire life I said five words that I never thought I would hear myself say, out loud, in my kitchen, in front of another human being.  Granted, it was in the middle of some of the worst pain I’ve ever had, at the peak of one of the most stressful weeks I’ve had in ages.  But I still said it, and I can’t stop thinking about it now.

Just five words.  Five words I’ve never even said inside my head, much less out loud.

I wish I was dead.

A lot of you don’t know me apart from what I share with you online.  Fandom stuff.  Writing.  Funny stories about my kids and pictures of whatever.  But those of you that have gotten to know me a little bit beyond those things know that this, those five words up there, that isn’t me.  Those words are not something you would ever hear me say, or even hint at.  I’m not depressive.  I don’t have suicidal thoughts or ideations, I never have.  And I still don’t.  But nothing stopped those words coming out of my mouth, no safe barrier flew up to prevent my tongue forming them, and now I can’t unhear them.

I don’t think I meant it.  I know I didn’t.  I think the wording of it is important - I didn’t say I want to die.  I said I wish I was.  I’m sure it had everything to do with the pain and the final frazzled unraveling of my nerves, because I’d felt for three days at that point like I was about to go full blown into a nervous breakdown.  But when they hit my ears carried by my own voice, there was no stab of nervous panic at hearing them.  Just sort of...

I don’t even know.  I’m not going to go too far down that road, because I don’t think it ends anyplace I want to be.

This is where it starts, I think, at least the recent part of it.  I’m not going to go back further to the obvious roots of an entire life of twisted bullshit because I’m actually dealing with that a lot better than this.  And a lot of this likely won’t make sense to a lot of you - I’m sorry.  Read on if you wish...if not, no hard feelings.

Most of you know a little bit about my oldest son, the one we call Big.  You probably know him best as my witty smart longsuffering angel who copes on a daily basis with his trialsome frootloop of a younger brother.  Some of you also know he has some struggles and that he’s come so far and done so much.  You all know how proud I am of him.  He’s my first, the one I nearly had to let go of before I ever knew him, the one I almost had to let go of myself for.  He’s the one I’ve tried to carry to the far side of hell so he can step safely through the door onto cooler ground while my own feet are on fire.

I’m afraid I’m losing him.  He has made profound, astounding leaps of development this year.  But something has happened, and I don’t know what or why.

He’s suddenly regressing in some ways.  He’s losing his ability to maintain eye contact, something that’s common for children with his wiring differences but that he’s never had a problem with until now.  He repeats himself constantly now.  Sometimes it’s nonsense, though I know it makes sense to him somehow.  I can give him the same answer to a question or the same reply to a comment ten times in an hour.  Sometimes more.

He wanders off on flights of fancy, telling himself stories that he sometimes shares with me, about people he knows and places he goes.  People and places he’s created for himself.  He’s always known they exist in a separate world, but lately he’s been introducing them to us as if the worlds no longer have walls around them.  And he actively fears some of them.

He drew a face and handed it to me yesterday.

That’s him, he said.  And then he told me he loved me, and that he would do his best to protect me from him.  I don’t know who him is.

This year he started to master physical contact, which is a big thing for him.  He’s always been loving but never physically affectionate.  Never hugged or kissed people, not even me.  His hands have always been kept away from everyone, his physical self kept carefully apart from a world full of bodies he distanced himself from without a second thought.

Several months ago he decided he wanted to learn how to hug, so we worked on it.  He got good at it.  He was understanding the rules of it, determining appropriateness of timing and recipient, various reasons for extending or offering physical touch.  The science of it, which was the only way he could understand it.  And he got to where he enjoyed it and it didn’t causes him distress or discomfort.  He even lost the awkwardness.  It was no longer like hugging an automaton...it felt like hugging a child.

And now suddenly he just holds on.  Won’t let go.  It’s like he’s afraid to move away, to sever the connection.  It’s no longer just a curious desire to feel contact with another human being, to overcome a facet of “otherness” that he’d noticed in himself.  Now it’s like a fear of the space between us.  He doesn’t want to let go.

As I write this he’s sitting on the floor in front of me, not interacting, just being close.  He isn’t looking at me.  I don’t know where he is...he’s somewhere else, but he’s making an effort, a desperate one it feels like, to stay near me.  But it feels like every day he goes further and further down a road I can’t see, and from time to time he’ll look back over his shoulder and remember that this is where he needs to be...but he keeps walking.

I’m scared for him.  When I speak to him now, his eyes nervously dart to other places.  Faces have begun to disquiet him.  He flinches at noises that he’d gotten used to.  He tries to maintain eye contact, he realizes what he’s doing and pulls his eyes back to my face, but they dart off again quickly to some empty space beside me.

He goes into his other places more often.

He’s losing his ability to connect.

I don’t want him to disappear into some other world where I can’t follow him.  But I don’t know how to pull him back to the safety of this one.

I don’t even know if this is the safe one.

I’m not the best person to help him right now.  I’ve been cranky.  I’ve been having chronic migraines for weeks.  I haven’t been easy to get along with.  I’m trying, but sometimes it feels like all my physical, mental, emotional energy goes to everyone else and leaves nothing for me.  My argument with myself is that I’m the mother, it’s supposed to be like this.  But I feel like I’m dying sometimes.

More so lately.

I lost a baby recently.  Very recently.  I didn’t tell anyone because I knew from the start something wasn’t right and there would never be any good news to announce.  My hCG levels stopped rising and never went any further.  I’ve been sick from that - physically a little, emotionally a lot - and haven’t wanted to deal with anyone or anything.  Just working with Big, trying to hold onto him somehow.  Trying to keep Little under control, which is...an undertaking of such astronomical proportions that I don’t even know where to start.  He has issues of his own and I haven’t been a very effective parent for him lately.  He’s frustrated, I’m frustrated.  We’re all frustrated with each other.

I’ve been dealing with some fairly huge internalized trauma from other things as well, in recent days.  Things from the past that I never realized were tearing me up until I took steps to distance myself from them.  I won’t go into it here, right now.  You’ve seen random posts from me about it, and you’ve seen me go off on people for not understanding.  You’ll probably see more of it.  I’m just beginning to realize how bad things were.  I don’t know yet how to deal productively with any of it.

I’ll figure it out.

I don’t need someone to solve my problems.  I vent to soothe my nerves and no other reason.  It’s how I deal with whatever shit is eating me.  Please don’t feel the need to help me or try to fix anything, or even feel obligated to offer sympathy - god please don’t, because that’s not what it’s for.  If you see a rant from me it simply means I’ve hit a point where I will explode if I don’t put words to my feelings.  This is the only safe place I can do it.

Also please know that if you do say something kind to me in those moments and I don’t say anything back to you, it’s nothing you should take personally.  I love you.  I just can’t tell you that I do.

If I go quiet for days, don’t take that shit personal.  It’s nothing to do with you.

If you say something that triggers me and I get rude with you, don’t take that shit personal either.  I’m weak these days.  My whole life has been about controlling myself and my every response to everything, tiptoeing around every other human being on the planet with the enforced belief that literally everyone’s feelings are more important than my own.  That I’m not valid as an individual, that only my usefulness to other people is important.  And I’m finally done with all that.

But I don’t know how to do it right.  I’m a fucking child as far as allowing myself to react to things.  I’m having a really rough time right now and I’m getting myself through it however I can figure out.  Ignore me if you must.  Just don’t take it personal, because none of it is about you.

I’ve found some things that help me cope and make me feel better.  I’ve been keeping them separate from my main blog because I know most of you are here for one type of fandom content, and my other interests aren’t it.  But I’ve just realized...this is my blog, and I’ve spent my whole life hiding things I loved because other people didn’t like them or didn’t approve.

Not here, not anymore.  Not so much in my personal life anymore, either.  If I like it I will say so and I will share it because it makes me happy.  I’ll do art and writing for other fandoms in addition to the one you originally followed me for.  You know you’re free to share in it with me or not, I don’t have to explain that.  I’ve had my share of people claiming they would read anything I write no matter what it is, only to have them vanish the second I start writing something outside their preferred fandom.  It’s happened more often than I care to mention, but there it is.  And that’s their right and choice, I respect that.  But it’s not going to stop me from writing what I want to write.  Not anymore.

I write because I need to.  For me.  I share it with the rest of you.  People have come at me recently in the comments section at AO3 expressing their dislike over various things, and I’ve responded politely with as much accommodation as I can muster.  I think I’ve allowed a lot of reader entitlement concerning my work over the past five years, changing things to suit people even if it didn’t suit the story, simply because they barked at me about something they didn’t agree with.

I won’t be doing that anymore.  Because if you’ve read this far, you’ve likely realized at least one thing - 

Pretty much everything I write is based in some way on my own reality.

It hasn’t always been pretty.  And things get really rough sometimes or veer way off down a twisted road before they get resolved, just like life tends to do.  I don’t write a lot of easy fluff these days.  It’s your right to read it or not, but I do ask that you respect my right to write what I choose, because it’s my coping mechanism, and sometimes I have a lot to cope with.  And I do that by turning real life bullshit into something entertaining, because the best thing you can do with monsters is put a goofy hat on them so they can’t scare you anymore.

At any rate, this is a not so quick synopsis of why I haven’t been particularly fun in recent days.  I try, but it gets on top of me.  I’ve felt ignored, shunned, overlooked.  I realize that is sometimes my default assumption, that I’ve worn out my welcome and no one cares anymore.  I also realize that sometimes it’s just that other people have their own shit to deal with and they probably haven’t even noticed I was gone.  But I came back after a few days of silence to some hurtful shit that I know was done with intent, and I’m trying really hard to overlook that.

One of my few redeeming qualities though, I think, is that I bounce back fairly quick...so give me a few days, a couple of weeks, whatever, to get my bent up self back into shape.  I’m handling more than I can handle at the moment in my life outside of here, and I can’t hand it over to anyone else for even a minute.  I’m doing my best.  I’m not okay right now.

I will be, but I’m not going to rush it.

Nothing good survives being rushed.

[pacificwanderer]

Whole bunch of anons about “leaks” etc. So, don’t read under the cut if that’s not your jam :) Also, as an aside, I’m going out on a limb here (not really lol) and am gonna say that I think the recent bout of “leaks” are actually speculation based on “toy leaks,” that is, the short phrases on the backs of packaging and nothing more (as in, sure, they’re leaks, but not “plot” leaks from some mole in DLF). Hence, the reason the “leaks” are all over the place and shift around everytime confirmed information (trailers, etc) gets released.

Many retailers get product for major releases weeks in advance (I know because I used to work at one lol), so if they have endcap resets coming up, they’ll get a whole big product display for a specific endcap. If they want displays around the store, they’ll send bulkouts with product. DLF has huge sections in major retailers, so the square footage they need to cover with product is insane. I can only imagine what gets shipped early to them (and I suspect staff who don’t have overnight crews end up doing a hell of a lot of setup prior to their major releases).

Case in point, Walmarts were selling TRoS toys up until a few days ago because they were mistakenly marked for sale (they’re not supposed to be out till Force Friday in October). Once they caught on, they shifted the skus back to whatever bucket they should have been in (and customers weren’t allowed to buy them after that point).

Anyways, makes a whole shitton of sense now that I think about it and is another great reason why you should always take “plot leaks” with a grain of salt because, for the most part, they’re just speculation masquerading as “leaks.” Contrary to popular belief, most people aren’t willing to lose their jobs to get internet points with random strangers. But taking a quick peek at the back of a retail box? That’s more believable (though can still get people fired, so be careful toy leakers).

Remember when MSW spoiled all the Reylo scenes in the Last Jedi? Oh wait... *checks notes* they didn't report on... any of them?

Remember also how they had no idea about Dark Rey, or Palpatine, and seem to conveniently forgotten half of the cast this time around SO FUNNY how that happens.

Not that I believe MSW but I like this new update from them: "If this rumor is accurate in the way I've heard it described, it sets the tone of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker hard and fast. This movie is about saving Ben Solo and bringing Rey into the fold."

So, they’ve gone from “there’s something between them, but it’s not love” for tlj (which was wrong, by the way lol there’s totally love between them if you’re not looking to miss it), to she’s gonna kill him, to he’s gonna try to kill her, to she’s going to save him and also become a part of his family? Sounds like backtracking after the latest comic got released and it was revealed that Ben was, indeed, abused by Snoke (WHOEVER COULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING, Oh wait. The entirety of the Reylo fandom).

The idea or the “leak” that has Ben personally telling Rey that she is a Palpatine after what he said in TLJ is so stupid and nonsensical. Like if Kylo really wanted her by his side in TLJ then he should have said that her heritage is of the Sith or the Dark Side and that’s what comvinces her to follow that “destiny” or something. JJ did said that IX is not gonna retcon what happened in TLJ so I find this leaks hard to believe but who knows what the hell happens in IX. Anything can happen.

It’s nonsensical to believe that any dialogue at all has made its way out lol. Set descriptions, I could get. But actual dialogue? LOL GTFO. But you’re right, how much more convincing would it be to be all “YOU’RE EVIL, JUST LIKE ME! LET’S BE EVIL TOGETHER!” I mean, that’d be a conversation I’d wanna try first lol.

MSW: “...I do seem to remember first hearing of the flashback sequence [Leia and Luke training] and it being a secret location within Pinewood Studios itself.” A ‘secret location’?! If it was so “secretive” then how the fuck do you know about this?! Also how the hell do you know the context of the scene already when we know they are still editing the film and the script was too guarded?! How the hell do you know what the characters are talking about?! 

All of the above, and honestly, how much do they really have of Carrie? I know some resistance scenes were cut out with her, and maybe some Maz stuff, but training Rey? When she herself didn’t want to train to be a Jedi? Really??? Iirc, Luke offered to train her and she was like nah? I’ll have to check on that. Leia’s connection with the Force has always been instinctual in the movies, so... It’s more believable that 3PO could train her lol what with all the shit he’s seen/helping her read the Jedi texts. Yeah, super secret, SO SECRET that random dude bros on the iternet found out about it!!!

It's funny how half the fandom thinks Rey is Luke's daughter because of MSW and no one is paying attention to to the fact that Disney/Lucasfilm have been defending Rey Nobody *and* they have allowed multiple people from the cast and crew to joke about Rey and Kylo being sexually attracted to one another. And then there is John Williams who shows Reylo scenes on the screen when he performs Han and Leia's love theme live in front of thousands of attendees who aren't even into shipping, lol.

Lol people still believe that? Man, it’s 2019. Reylo is real.

Do you think it's possible for Ben to have a convincing redemption if he he were to bring Palpatine back? I was already a bit disappointed that the Sithtroopers respond to him and the Knights of Ren but if he intentionally brings Sheev back it just seems like it'll be more difficult to convince the audience that he's worthy of redemption? I would like this movie to focus on him making good decisions for once, instead of bad ones until a last minute good one like Vader.

There’s nothing that’s going to happen to the Emperor that’s going to happen by accident. Period. He’s had plans working in the background the entire time, so if he comes back, it’s because he wants to come back, not because some accident on Ben’s part made it happen. Honestly, don’t pay attention to leaks that are basically rephrasing box text that says “yeah, kylo should be the most powerful person in the galaxy, but really he’s just fucking around like always, looking for answers to Force questions when he should be focusing on taking over the galaxy” which says to me that he never really did want to take over the galaxy. At all. He has it all, literally, and he’s still not finding what he wants. Which means he still has some exploring to do. Makes sense to me given how sad he looked at the end ot TLJ. These “leaks” also don’t really take into account that we’ve seen Kylo on that desert planet, like why is he there? What’s going on? Honestly, we know a whole lot of nothing about this movie and I’m sure the “leaks” will shift (again, just like they did last time) once the actual trailer gets dropped. Try not to worry about it :)

Hey so I'm kinda confused right now about some supposed "leaks"? Apparently its been "confirmed" by Lucasfilms that Kylo himself is resurrecting Palpatine? I saw some Reylos on twitter saying that Kylo was going to uncover secrets of the dark side and that it would lead to Palps being resurrected. I don't really keep up with leaks or extra material like comics so I'm kinda lost here. Do you know any thing about this? It just doesn't make sense to me why Kylo would do any of what was said?

It absolutely was not confirmed that he brings back palpatine, some box text on the back of his black series figure says, “As Supreme Leader of the First Order, Kylo Ren wields more power than ever before. Nevertheless, Ren continues to search for secrets of the Force from the depths of the dark side.” So, secrets from the Force, doesn’t say shit about palpatine but they’re jumping to conclusions because it “confirms” (in their mind) recent “leaks” (which I actually think are rephrased speculation based on TOY leaks) that speculate he’s looking for Palpatine. Why he’d trade one asshole master for another is beyond me given that he wanted to burn it all down at the end of TLJ. I’m gonna wait till I see the trailer/read more comics/official sources of info, before bothering with this sort of thing. These “leakers” didn’t say shit about Palps returning before his laugh at the end of the first teaser, so they didn’t know shit about it and are only speculating NOW. The only person I saw predict Palp’s return was Wayward Jedi, which was speculation proven to be right.

Cheers all!

[talesfromthesnogbox]

Open and Honest

I’m a sucker for Mike/Hopper heart to hearts so here we are. Spoiler warning for Season 3 of Stranger Things! Anyways, I just wanted to write something! (ps what the fuck happened to that line thingy I used to use literally all the time)

Summary: It's been two years, but Hopper suddenly feels that he should continue his talk about boundaries... but this time, he wants to get it right.

Rating: General Audiences

aO3

~~~

Three hundred and seventy two days. It had been just over a full year that Hopper was detained in that hellhole in Russia, but now, he was home.

Well, not home per se. He was only a little bit surprised to hear that Joyce had gone through with her plans of moving to Maine, but it warmed his heart to know that she’d taken El with her.

It took months for Hopper to get back on his feet. Severely malnourished and exhausted beyond belief was the state that he was brought home in, and Joyce had done everything in her power to make it better. He wanted to be strong, he wanted to get better quickly, but it was a hard journey. Eventually, he did; as the months passed, the Hopper-Byers household witnessed him transform back into the reliable, loving, although sometimes misguided, man he’d been before he left.

He’d finally gotten that date with Joyce (although, not at Enzo’s), and though it had been a long time coming, the two made it official over Christmas. Not long after that (with some hesitation from Joyce), the family had agreed on moving back to Hawkins.

Nearly two years had passed since the initial move, and everyone was excited to have the party back together again, especially El. All she’d talked about the whole time they packed was how Lucas was going to teach her his favourite arcade games, Max was going to take her shopping, Dustin was going to take her to some movie called Spaceballs, but Mike… Mike was always the main topic of conversation.

Hopper wasn’t surprised to hear that his daughter was still with the scrawny kid who’d found her in the woods all those years ago. She’d always been entranced with him, so he thought it was puppy love, but now, they’d just turned sixteen, and despite his best efforts, he couldn’t help but think that maybe it had turned into something more serious.

El had practically begged Hopper to let him come stay for the night last month for her sixteenth birthday. He didn’t want to give in to her, but he did, and boy had that boy ever changed.

Mike was tall. Like, really tall. Hopper hadn’t expected to almost be eye-level with the kid. He was still awkward and lanky as ever, but he’d grown into his features, and still looked at El like she’d hung the moon. The two were not kids anymore, but that didn’t mean that Hop had to like it.

“Remember the three inch rule!” He’d yelled as El dragged Mike up to her bedroom and rolled her eyes.

“Jim, lay off them a bit, it’s her birthday, she’s sixteen now.” Joyce spoke softly, dragging him away from the stairs.

“I will not lay off them, I remember exactly what my girlfriend and I were doing on my sixteenth birthday, and I do not wish to know my daughter and her boyfriend are following in my footsteps.”

“They’re good kids, Jim, and they’re not like that. El talks to me about this kind of stuff; her and Mike… they aren’t there yet.”

Hopper sighs, collapsing on the couch. Realization washes over him as he replays Joyce’s words in his head. She was right, they’re both good kids, a little mouthy, but he knew Mike respected him, and El. They’d been apart for so many months, maybe a few hours together alone wasn’t the worst.

“Fuck, I’m such an asshole.” He whispered, feeling ashamed with himself for being so hard on them.

“You’re a dad, you don’t want to see your little girl get hurt.” Joyce sat beside him and rubbed his arm lightly. “Sure, you can kinda be an asshole when it comes to Mike, but… we were friends in high school, I can see why you’re so protective of her around him.”

He frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well… you had quite the reputation of a heartbreaker.”

Hop had no rebuttal; he knew Joyce was right. Mike wasn’t him, and he would never intentionally hurt El.

He started to get up, but Joyce stopped him. “Where are you going?”

“I did a bad thing, I scared the shit outta him, and it made them break up after that little boundaries talk. I need to go talk to him about it, tell the kid I don’t hate him.”

“Wait, right now? Hop, that was two years ago. If you go up there, they’re gonna think you’re trying to stop them from whatever’s going on.”

He stopped in his tracks. “Why, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, that’s my point. Give them their space, Hop. This is their time together.”

He reluctantly sat back down beside her, but he knew this conversation had to happen.

~~~

The move back to Hawkins went as smooth as a move possibly could have gone. Within a few weeks, the patchwork family was in their new home, and it only took a few days of being back for all the kids to settle back into their old routines.

It was the summer of 1987, and much like two years prior, Mike Wheeler made a daily appearance at the Hopper household.

“Come on Hop, what happened to the big apology speech you were going to give them a few months ago?” Joyce teased.

“That was before I had to see his smug little face every day, knowing he’s up there defiling my daughter.”

Joyce smacked him across the arm. “He’s not defiling her Jim, what they’re doing is perfectly innocent. And what exactly were you were doing in high school?”

“I wasn’t! I was… I was… oh shut up.”

“That’s what I thought. This is important, Jim, it’s only going to get worse from here if he thinks you don’t like him. Don’t give them a reason to have to sneak around behind your back, just be open and honest with them.”

“Open and honest, got it.”

The two teens in question chose that exact moment to come bolting down the stairs.

“I’m just walking Mike out, I’ll be right back!” El shouted from the front door.

Hop looked towards Joyce, her eyebrows rising, and he knew now was a better time than ever. He sighed, and followed the two teens to the front porch.

Of course they were kissing when he opened the door. “Oh god, um El, can—can you give us a few minutes?”

El looked at him questioningly, but it was Mike that spoke. “S-sure, I was just leaving. I’ll call you when I get home El, okay?”

The girl nodded and kissed her boyfriend chastely once more before disappearing inside.

“Wh—is something the matter Chief?”

“It’s… it’s um…” He tried to remember any bit of the speech he and Joyce had written, but that was a whole two years ago, he would have to go off books for this. “Have a seat kid.”

“Mike sat beside him on the small porch. “Am I in some kind of trouble?”

“No, no you’re not in any trouble Mike. It’s just… um… I want to apologize.”

He frowned. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I follow.” Mike replied after a moment.

“I… I know it was like two years ago at this point, and I don’t even know if you remember, but you were right, I was a lying piece of shit.”

Mike paled, remembering the conversation well. “Oh… well I was being a complete asshole to you too, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Hopper chuckled and put his hand on Mike’s shoulder. “Yeah kid, you kind of were. But that’s beside the point; I’m sorry, I was uncomfortable with how close you and El had gotten, I felt you were too young to be together like that all the time, and I was being a little too protective of El. I shouldn’t have freaked out like that on you, and I shouldn’t have made you feel like you had to lie to El because of it.” That wasn’t so hard, was it.

“Th-thanks Chief, but why are you saying all this now?”

“Because I don’t want you to think I’m crazy, and I don’t want you or El to feel like you have to sneak around behind my back; that’s the last thing I want, trust me, I used to do a lot of sneaking around at your age.” He sighed and wiped his face. “Look Mike, you’re a good kid, and I know you and El love each other. I don’t want you to hate me, and I don’t want to hate you. In fact… I actually kinda like you; you’ve been real good for her. I—I was locked up for a little over a year, and I had a whole lot of time to think about whether or not my daughter hated me for splitting you two up. You two are going to be a permanent fixture around here by the looks of things, so I want you to feel comfortable coming into my home.”

Mike smiled. “Thanks Chief.”

“But that being said, there does need to be some boundaries. I don’t know if you’ve got a curfew, but she does. Eleven thirty on the dot, you’re outta here, and don’t even think about sneaking in through her window. Tried that once when I was your age, her parents didn’t appreciate having to bring me to the ER for a broken ankle at two in the morning.”

Mike spit out a laugh, but swallowed it as soon as Hopper hit him with a glare.

“Three inch rule still applies until further notice. I know you guys think you’re all old and mature now that you’re sixteen, but you’re still kids, and still under my roof, and still following my rules. And I swear to god Wheeler, if I find out you’ve pressured her, or forced her into doing something she’s not comfortable with—”

“Wow, wow, hold on,” Mike interjected, “I love her and I would never… I always make sure we’re on the same page whenever—”

“Whenever what?”

Mike flushed. “It’s—it’s not like that yet. We’re not like that. But, when the time comes in… in a couple of years, I promise you I’ll ask her if it’s okay.”

“Good answer.”

He nodded, and the two fell into a comfortable silence. “Thank you Hopper, you’re a good dad, and we’re all happy you’re home.”

Jim knew how strained a relationship Mike and Ted had, so it meant a lot for him to say that. “Welcome, kid. I’m glad I’m back too. Missed you guys, all of you.” He bumped Mike with his shoulder, shooting him a friendly smile. “Alright, I better get in there before my daughter thinks I’m burying your body.”

Mike smiled and walked towards his bike. “See you tomorrow, Hop.”

“Yep, I sure will.” And for once, just once, he really didn’t mind it.