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artificialqueens · 3 years

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Pale Yellow, Prologue (Group Fic) - Candy Cane

A/N: i know i havent shut up abt this for the last forever on my side blog but its just bc ive been so excited lol this is a post-apocalypse/doomsday au & lesbian au wherein after the world ends, people still find each other. without @chaoticnachokitten id be totally lost bc this really needed a beta and some extra confidence thrown in and im so lucky u were there to help me out <3 thank youuuuuu!!! this is very focused on the cast of AS2 bc it sparks joy so bada bing bada boom here we are. u can follow my side blog @sillylittlecandycane where i post wip updates and get wayyy too invested in these aus!! this is the kind of fic that im still fleshing out, so if u have any suggestions for thing i may have missed id love to hear it! anyways sorry for the long a/n hope yall enjoy <3 Summary: Nearly seven years after the apocalypse, Alaska has been a part of a few different groups. None have been like this one, and she wouldn’t give it up for anything. Little does she know that change is on the horizon.

It’s been years since Alaska could look at her friends and not immediately see them as just walking corpses. All of them are on a time limit, they’re only delaying the inevitable. No one can fix this. No one can change what has happened to their lives. Sometimes she doesn’t see the point in continuing forward. And sometimes she sees those small smiles Detox and Roxy share, sometimes she hears how carefree Tatianna will laugh at a joke, sometimes she catches her friends holding hands just because, and she knows they have to try. Even destroyed, their world still holds love and hope. Otherwise, no one would be around.

The gun in her hand is heavy and slick with sweat, her whole body is sore from walking in heels for way too many miles. Apparently the price of looking hot during the end of the world is pain, who would’ve thought?

Alaska looks over her shoulder at Katya and Phi Phi, the Russian is clearly lost in thought, while Phi Phi has her weapon poised to aim, even though she looks almost bored. Alaska almost feels bad for asking them to come with her, but there’s no way she would’ve been able to go out alone.

The whole group understands the importance of checking out supply houses, even if it looks like a longshot. Even if all they find is expired food packets and half-used emergency kits, it’s better than nothing. Sometimes they get really lucky and find crates upon crates of supplies. Weapons, ammo, medical products, food, even bottled water… It’s not often, but it happens.

Alaska breathes a sigh of relief when she sees the emergency clinic come up in her field of view. Soon they’d be home, and Alaska could kiss her girlfriends and put her feet up. She hates being away for so many hours, no matter how necessary it is.

“Let’s go,” Alaska says quickly, speeding up her pace, barely checking to see if her friends are following her lead.

The hot, spring’s day asphalt clacks beneath her heels, the sun beats down on her bare shoulders, and she breathes in the heavy, humid air. There’s a storm on the horizon for sure, she’ll have to ask Ginger to check the weather for the next week.

The cozy, two story emergency clinic that is both the best place in the world and an eternal prison looms before her. It’s the only safe place she’s been able to find and make work, but it represents how trapped they all are.

At least they’re not alone. At least they have each other. That’s what Alaska tells herself as she opens the heavy metal doors. Once upon a time they were glass, but glass doors aren’t great for defense, no matter how nice they look on the outside.

She steps into what was a trashed waiting room when she first found this place and is now a well-managed front room. The receptionists desk is where they keep all their communications equipment, and is also where she sees Ginger, the one who runs the equipment.

“You’re back,” Ginger says, a wide smile on her face that Katya can’t help returning, “Almost thought you’d be gone for good.”

“We weren’t gone that long,” Alaska frowns, letting the door close only when Katya and Phi Phi come through it.

“We were out there almost all day,” Phi Phi says, “Left at dawn, and now it’s almost sunset.”

Alaska sets her weapon down on the counter, “I guess I just lost track of time.”

She looks up to see Detox round the corner, and could almost cry with how happy she is to see her.

“Thought I heard you guys come back,” Detox smiles.

There’s a worry and fear in her eyes that Alaska wishes only a kiss could fix. There’s no way it would, but she can try. The two hug tightly, and Alaska kisses her for a long moment. It’s so good to be with her again, even with the missing presence of their third.

“I couldn’t stay away for too long,” Alaska teases her when they pull apart, “Where’s Roxy?”

“Training,” Detox sighs, “I was barely able to get her away for lunch.”

Alaska understands the need to always be prepared, it was drilled into her once this whole mess started. She still wishes they would all take better care of themselves though.

She looks over to see Katya talking closely with Ginger, and figures she’s probably just relaying what all happened. There’s a ‘ding!’ sound from the computer, and Ginger leans over to take a look. Alaska’s breath catches in her throat when she sees Ginger’s expression.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, almost scared of the answer.

“It’s… It’s Alyssa’s sister,” Ginger says, completely shocked, “Her group- They’ve got an extreme injury.”

“How extreme?” Katya asks, trying to look at the computer scene.

“Gunshot wound to the torso at the least,” Ginger says with a frown, “They want to bring her here.”

“Can we even help with that?” Detox grimaces.

“Coco saved me, didn’t she?” Alaska says, biting her lip nervously.

“Do we have room? Supplies? It’s been a while since then, Alaska-”

“Who else would be able to help? There’s no hospitals, no working clinics or doctor’s offices,” Alaska reminds her, on the way to making up her mind.

“We don’t even know this person, all we know is that Alyssa’s sister knows them,” Phi Phi points out.

“Alyssa’s sister knows them well enough to want to reach out to us,” Alaska corrects her, “During a fucking apocalypse.”

Katya turns and stares Alaska in the eyes, “So you want to help.”

It’s a statement, and not one that’s wrong either.

Alaska takes a deep breath, then turns to Phi Phi, “Tell Coco she’s going to have a patient,”

Even though she looks skeptical, Phi Phi ducks out of the room, and Alaska is left with three of her teammates staring at her with open mouths.

“Well? Get to work, we have company coming,” Alaska drawls, leaving no room for argument.

It’s a longshot, but they owe a lot to Alyssa, and Alaska wouldn’t be where she is today without the kindness of strangers. If she doesn’t ‘pay it forward’ now, she may never get the chance, and she thinks she would regret that for the rest of her life.

#rpdr fanfiction #alaska thunderfuck #katya zamolodchikova #phi phi o'hara #detox icunt #rolaskatox #angst #doomsday au #post apocalypse au #dystopian au #lesbian au #as2 #hurt/comfort #pale yellow #candy cane #tw gun violence #tw weapons #concrit welcome

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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years

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(was originally an ask, then i rambled a crapload, so if u wanna skip through, just go to the bolded questions)

i am new to the fandom & just found your blog, just wanted to say DAMN its so detailed and everything, i cant wait to read it all! also i was so relieved to find that the fandom is still alive <3

side note im just rambling here, i binged sherlock all really quick and everything is like a blur (idk if im in a state of shock or something, but i do know i was super invested at s1 ep 2, then i finished s4 at 4am one day and i had to read me some johnlock fics to comfort myself and i really dont know how i feel about anything yet just that well, johnlock and i cried during sherlocks fake death even tho i already accidentally read spoilers, and i also cried when they just went to hang out at bars together and hhh and during sherlocks best man speech and sherlocks goodbye to john (…maybe goodbye should be plural)…also i was v mad at eurus and s4 was a hell of a rollercoaster gd), so just wondering, how many times have you watched sherlock? how was the experience each time? (can be about any season or eps or anything, also any snacks u liked to eat while watching or anything of that sort? just curious and thought that might be fun to answer)(apologies if you answered this already i tried to look for it but i got a bit overwhelmed)

btw u are amazing ^^ (also nice timer even tho it makes me sad) and MAD RESPECT for answering so many asks and like SO DETAILED-LY? (i cant grammar) and god ur metas and stuff?? absolutely fantabulous. im legit crying im so glad i found your blog. i know how much work asks take (and like i procrastinate on them for so long…mm months old esp for fic rec lists bc i know those take WORK) so like again, SO MUCH RESPECT thank you for all your hard work!! you are absolutely fantastic and awesome :D please make sure you take care of yourself too <3

ALSO you have a great profile picture + background pic (forgive me i have half a braincell (actually lets make it .7437 gave myself a tiny upgrade even tho i didnt do anything) i forgot what its called…background thing?? idk) i love them!!

if u read through all that tysm, if not thank u anyways for being so amazing, i have a habit of rambling so pls bear with me ^^

(also would it be possible to make this anon? if not feel free to delete this line ^^)

(Submitted by Anonymous)

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Hi Lovely!!

Always can make something Anon if y’all ask <3

First of all, SORRY for how long it took me to get back to you with this one. I’m a giant heap of trash and I’m surprised people still come here LOL

Secondly, WELCOME TO THE FANDOM! We love having y’all here, and I’m honoured that you enjoy my blog and content! Also will comment on your praise on my meta here: THANK YOU. I’m very proud of my meta, and especially the SHEER AMOUNT of it I have produced still boggles me mind. Y’all remember when I was creative and thoughtful??? LOL S4 dragged me hard hahah. I still try to write S4 meta, just not as much as I used to. I like speculating, I truly do, but I have so little free time these days because of the nature of my full time job, so I tend to just... do nothing LOL. I find Fic Reccing really relaxing when you have nearly 800 bookmarks. I’m worried I’m becoming stale though. Oh well. I’m just trying to leave my mark here. <3

Thirdly, HAHHAH Thank you for your compliment about my replies to my asks; I genuinely wish I could get more asks finished every day, but I tend to ramble, as you can see, and I just... don’t finish them in a timely manner. Honestly, it’s a relief when I don’t know something because I can then get the community involved to help me out AND I also get new fic recs that way too LOL. I also draft a TONNE of asks and when I do that, I tend to just keep adding MORE and MORE and MORE so I have to post them, LOL.

And finally: My fave episode is TAB; it was the episode I studied the closest and my analysis of the trailer is my “claim to fame”. I just love it to bits. It’s the episode I’ve watched the most. S3 is my fave season, and it’s the SEASON I’ve watched the most, no less than 30 or 40 times. Season 2, then 1. I have only seen S4 like 5 times in full total, and horribly enough, TFP is the most-watched episode: I watched the Leak, the airdate, and I went and saw it in the theatres because I already bought the ticket before it aired so I just... didn’t care. And then at least 3 more times in Watchalongs. So yeah :| I still haven’t watched the BluRay I bought, but I hated having an incomplete set so I bought it when it went on sale fore 10 bucks LOL.

But yeah, S1 and 2 I watched together, and I LOVED the show. I joined fandom the summer before S3 aired, and S3 is when I REALLY got into the fandom. I’ve been pretty much here since then, about 7 years I think now. When I saw S4, it was incredulity and disappointment with it. That’s really it. I’m still a fence sitter these days about the series as a whole, but I’m leaning more and more to “no S5 for at least 3 more years” kinda thing. Just... everyone involved seems so disinterested in the show these days, minus Mofftiss to keep pushing the Sherlock™ Brand to make money.

ANYWAY. Thanks for writing to me!! This was such a joy to read when I first got it, and I just... have been really overwhelmed the past few weeks that I just have only been sticking to shorter asks. But I had some free time tonight when I’m answering this, so THANK YOU.

I hope you’re still around, and I hope you still enjoy your time here! Don’t hesitate to ask me anything else!! <3 <3

#steph replies #chatting with nonnies #about me #happy posts #testimonials #my blog #Anonymous

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codedredalert · 3 years

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this might be odd but i really admire your work for law in that op zine and was wondering how you'd manage to come across zines to apply for because it's hard to filter through results on twt and hard to find exactly who is doing what

hey anon, thank you so much! i'm really happy with how that law fic turned out, glad you like it!

not odd at all, i agree it's hard to filter zines! let's see if i can help. this got a bit long bc i misread the question and talked about finding zines to apply for as well as generally what i keep in mind when choosing what zines i apply to so im putting it under a cut

best generally / for fandoms you're already deep in/ fandoms you're less invested in and just happen to think are neat if they pop up. for the op tarot zine, and most zines i applied to/ got into, usually i heard about via word of mouth. so that's reblogs of the promo posts or casual mentions from people I follow, or discord servers, or just chats with friends in that fandom. i like this method because it's the lowest effort and highest likelihood of matching my interests and having the apps still open, and they tend to be a little more reliable bc you already have one layer of someone checking them out/ vouching for them. (but bear in mind i'm also someone who mostly only reads recommended fics from friends whose taste i'm familiar with)

second best/ new fandoms/ fandoms you're not established in. here we have to actually search (boooooo) (i'm lazy lol). you can still use the first method a little bit by searching on the page/blog of a creator you like in that fandom, because that helps filter a bit for interests/ style/ taste/ reliability. i also searched [fandom name] zine or variations. so like "#ygozine" or"yugioh zine" when I was looking for yugioh zines to join. then i consider the application open ones to see if i like the theme, and whether the other details work for me (eg amount of work expected, schedule, rules, faqs, charity/profit, mods, physical/digital only etc).

zine promo / app amalgamation sites. it's pretty easy to find them by looking at existing zines promo posts and seeing the amalgamation blogs/accounts they tag. i don't really use them that much so i can't really recommend specific ones, and the ones i know don't sort easily by fandom or deadline stage, so it's too much work for me personally. i might browse them a little to try my luck but it's the highest effort for the lowest reward. still worth a shot if you can define your search terms well or are willing to trawl. I'd try by just searching the fandom confined to the blog/page. (on tumblr you can do this by adding "/search/[fandom name or shortname]" to the end of the URL.)

very established in a fandom/ willing to ask randomly. you might get invited or someone might drop you an ask saying hey check this zine out they're looking for writers/ other types of creators. you can also just do a general post asking for help like "does anyone know of any zines for [fandom] that are open to apps?" personally and from what i gather from friends, just because they're recommendations doesn't mean that they will necessarily match what you look for in projects but they're worth checking out bc the person recommending usually has some idea of your likes/style/fit. this method has a lot of constraints obviously.

when applying... it may be worthwhile to consider why you're interested in joining, what they are looking for, how many slots they have for what kind of creators, how popular the zine is, what you "specialise" in for the fandom, what your best skills are, what the mods might be looking for (most if not all zines require you to submit sample work). tailor your application. of course, not all zines take writers so your options here might be a little limited (though i'm happy to say i feel like including writing is becoming more common). at the same time, a lot of people underestimate themselves, so definitely apply if you want to even if you feel you might not get in. i think this is probably not what you're asking about though so i wont belabour the point

be careful. i have had the good fortune to have only been in "okay" to "amazing 10/10 extremely trustworthy" zines so far (fingers crossed), but i do have a couple of friends who were burned by dishonest or unreliable zine management before, so do take care! you can save yourself a lot of heartache at the stage when you check out the zine you are applying to. some general indicators for me are whether mod skills cover necessary categories (zines are essentially a business venture and i feel like a lot of people underestimate or do not give enough respect to that); mod experience, age, personal reputations; how questions, rules, schedule, expectations, compensation/charity are addressed. Also these are after joining, but mod treatment of contributors via email or in the discord server and how assignments are handled are early enough that you can form your own assessment and drop if necessary.

take care of yourself also i feel like in these trying times i want to add a note on mental health. i see this too often in my friends, but if your personal circumstances change and you feel like you can't handle the zine obligations anymore, just drop. early is better than late for both you and the organiser, and respectful communication of "sorry i can't be part of the zine anymore for personal reasons" is totally fine. you don't have to disclose anything you don't want to in order to leave and no one can force you to. it's also okay if you don't get into a zine. it doesn't say anything about your worth as a person, even though we as creators can feel rejection of our work very deeply. take time to recover, block/mute/unfollow whatever keywords or accounts you have to for even the tiniest of arbitrary reasons (i absolutely do and highly recommend it), take time to nurture your skills, take time to make things that bring joy, take time to appreciate yourself and the people who like your work. maybe i'm just old/lucky but fandom has been an incredibly accepting and enjoyable place and rejection from a zine (though it can hurt like a bitch sometimes) is not rejection from the community.

i hope this was helpful!

#red replies #red talks #long post #zines

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haikyuuscreaming · 4 years

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omg hi! you started off your blog greatly, im so proud of you! do you think you can write an angsty scenario for akaashi? where his crush likes this guy and wants help from him and he feels all sad :( but she ends up confessing to him! i love your writing so far, keep it up!

UMM so i accidentally got really invested in this so it’s WAYY longer than a drabble and i often write long stuff bc of ao3 so this might sound a little more like that kinda fanfic style instead of a tumblr scenario? mainly cos im really a sucker for this stuff hehehe love you anon

also ! the request made it sound sort of akaashi-centric so i hope you dont mind? there will still be a lot of reader-chan here though! please dont leave yet and i hope u enjoy

again ALSO i wrote this half on my laptop half on my phone so please dont mind if it seems a lil clunky in some areas

3092 words jesus ok here you go

Crushes weren’t necessarily a new sensation for Akaashi. Just an uncommon one. In fact, the last time he remembers even being attracted to someone was in first grade when everyone had a crush on this popular girl. He’s not even sure if he really liked her, or just found the idea of it interesting.

Now, second year of high school, Akaashi finds himself in trouble. Because for once, he really, really, really likes this girl. You.

He can’t even fake himself out of this, because every damn time he looks at you, he feels all warm and tingly and his stomach feels less calm and he can hear his heart bump against his ribcage and god, his face even flushes a little bit.

(A little bit inconvenient when he accidentally finds himself staring at you and daydreaming.)

Akaashi doesn’t like this feeling.

I mean, yeah, Akaashi has somewhat of a sense of confidence in his looks, manners, and ability to make friends. He’s not exactly the top in each subject he thinks, but it lets him pass through high school without too much of a depressingly lonely life. He could easily befriend you and steal your heart, his inner ego-brat says.

But.. but what if you reject him?

He should become closer to you.

(For the record, he doesn’t not like the feeling. He kind of likes the serotonin boost you give him. But he definitely, more than kind of likes you.

A lot more.)

And one day, in the spring, he finds himself paired up with a special biology partner. With familiar, sparkling eyes and the cutest, most gorgeous voice he’s ever heard that always makes his heart fucking backflip.

Akaashi doesn’t think he can survive this.

His teacher blares, “Start brainstorming ideas for your science fair project! It’s due in a month, you know!”, but Akaashi blocks out the noise because all he can focus on is you, goddamn it. He can only focus on the way you push your hair out of your face, the way your lips upturn into the most stunning smile he’s ever had the fate of encountering, and he really hopes he doesn’t get h-

“Akaashi-kun?”

(Fuck you and your completely gorgeous voice that drives him up the wall and makes him want to kiss you.)

“Oh– sorry, yeah?” He kind of hates himself for how his voice lilted a pitch higher.

You laugh, sounding like a goddess. He hopes that it means you don’t hate him. “Ahaha, I was just wondering if you have any ideas for the science fair? It’s a pretty big chunk of our grade, and I am… not the smartest when it comes to AP Bio..”

Akaashi thinks quite the opposite, but he isn’t currently in the position to contradict you.

“Um…” He pauses and thinks furiously. He comes up with some borderline generic idea that has enough room for a unique twist. And your eyes brighten.

“Waaaoo, Akaashi-kun’s a genius, hm?”

(God, he thinks he might have a little more than a crush on that teasing grin and glittering pair of eyes.)

He musters the courage to smile without looking stupid. “Of course.”

Two weeks later, he wants to sink into a hole.

Yes, it might have been his request that you two meet up to work on the project, but that was because he knew you were a procrastinator! You would start the project the night before if he’d let you!

But it was not his idea to do it at his house.

Now he has to live with the fact that you’re lying on HIS bed, spread-eagled in your sweater and shorts, complaining about how lazy you are.

(He wonders how you’re so comfortable about wearing shorts to a male classmate’s house. You two aren’t even that close, although you claim otherwise.)

“Come on, get up,” he rolls his eyes. “We have work to do.”

“But I’m so tiiiiiredddd… and lazyyyy…. wouldn’t it be such a gentlemanly act of Akaashi-kun to do the project for me?” You flash him a sweet smile while stretching out even more on the bed.

Snorting, he watches you sink into his mattress and roll around idly. “Hey, don’t you need the grade? You can’t pass if you make me do your work.”

Sighing, you hum in defeated content. “Well, it was worth a try.” You reach out your hand and tousle his wavy hair, and he almost flinches at the touch. He hates to say it but he loves it so much that you’re so affection with him, and Akaashi knows he would give anything to keep you teasing him with all this attention.

“Yeah.. yeah, it was,” he murmurs to himself before letting himself sit down next to you. He notices how you scrunch your body from a spread-eagle to a cute, curled up position to make room for him.

“Mm, so how are we gonna do this?” you ask, with a subtle mixture of bored and curious seeping into your tone. Then, he watches your features melt into a warm, mischievous smile as you hum, “Unless you just wanna nap and cuddle or something.”

(Holy fuck.)

Akaashi forces himself to scowl playfully and he shakes his head, sighing loudly in mock disappointment. “I don’t know what to do with you.” And equally as teasing, he adds, “I should just kick you out and not treat you to lunch if you’re going to be like this.”

“Noooooo!!!” you whine in this adorably frustrated and threatening voice. “Don’t you dare starve me or I’m feeding you to the rats.”

He chuckles. “See, that’s what I thought.”

But of course, your face wraps into a devilish grin as you say in a singsong voice and throw your arms around him (which makes him flush and makes his heart go WABAM), “It doesn’t matter though, ‘cause I got this whole-ass meal right here~”

“Shut up.”

(But you both know he never means it.)

Thanks to Akaashi (and your obliging albeit lazy participation), you two blow the science fair out of the way and get an A. He’s never seen you so delighted about a grade.

“I’m so happy~” you never shut up about how grateful you are for him, not that he’s complaining. “This is probably the highest mark I’ve ever gotten in this class.”

“Don’t over exaggerate. You’re not too bad at Bio,” Akaashi remarks. “You just need a tutor, probably, if you’re struggling.”

(By the way, he is ecstatic that you two are ACTUALLY FRIENDS!!! He’s even met your dog!!)

“Hmmmm…” You eye him warily before shrugging. “Whatever you say, Akaashi-kun.” Your eyes flit around before returning on him, and you start rambling about the newest anime you’ve gotten into and how it’s practically on-par with the manga, and how hot one of their characters are-

(For some reason Akaashi really zeroes in on that part.)

He really feels like he has to contribute something to the conversation, so he puts in, “Wow, [Name]-san, you’re such a fangirl.”

You snort loudly and put two peace-signs to your face like some kawaii anime girl, doing this mock-sweet smile. “Waaaooo, you’re rightttt. I’m Akaashi-kun’s number one fan!! He’s so cute when he’s yelling at me to do my work and super hot when he helps me with homew-”

He swears to god his face is radiating an inhuman amount of heat and he rolls his eyes before shaking his head and jabbing your side lightly. “Didn’t I tell you not to say that?”

“Ummm, maybe.” Your ‘innocent’ grin tells him otherwise. “But you know, you’re right, Akaashi-kun,” you cross your arms and give your cute little smirk again. “I am a genius, and I’m suuuper good at Bio. I just need someone to channel it.” And you lean forward until both your noses are touching, and Akaashi thinks he’s about to explode. “So maybe you could help me out?”

The subtle pleading undercurrent in your voice compels Akaashi to straighten up a little bit without flushing even redder. Keep cool, keep cool.

(He prays that his skill of keeping a poker face will hide the blood rushing around in his dick.)

“Well, what time?”

This time around, he finds himself at your house instead. You both are sitting at your desk, ‘working’ on your math and Bio homework. In other words, just talking.

He’s confident now in that the two of you are close friends. He’s learned that from afar, you were a sweet and confident yet perfectly kind girl. That was the girl he based his feelings off of. During your Bio project, he found the cheeky, sly and vibrant yet chill girl who always teased him but was still nonetheless sweet.

And now, under that facade, you were an anxious mess with a shit-ton of insecurities.

(He thinks it’s funny how you boast that you’re just like Shrek. You have layers.)

Akaashi glances at you, groaning with your head down onto the table. “I hate math..” he hears you grumble.

“Hey, you’re not too bad. You just have to be careful when plugging in your equations,” he counters.

“But what if I can’t remember my equations??”

“We both know you’re fine at remembering them.”

“I’m gonna fail.”

“Have faith in yourself, because I do.” And Akaashi is being completely honest. His confidence in you being just fine and being able to pass all your classes is strong because he’s seen you work (after procrastinating). “You just have to work on not putting things off until the last minute.”

You make a frustrated noise before resting your chin on your propped hand. “Sometimes I feel like I’m just.. destined to be set back, y’know? Like, everything I do is gonna somehow backfire on me.”

He knows the feeling, especially late at night in bed, stressing over what tomorrow might bring him.

“And like… I have this whole thing set up for me. When people know me as a classmate, I’m an average student, right? Then when we’re like… ‘friends’, I’m all weird and tease-y.” You let out a loud sigh. “And to the unlucky people who get to this stage, I’m a mess.”

“Stop.” Akaashi’s surprised at how firm he is. “I’m grateful to have met you and to have become your friend, [Name]. You’re going to be fine, you need to trust yourself more. Because I trust you more than anything.”

(Yes, he is on first-name basis with you!! Yes, he trusts you even more than he might even trust Bokuto!!)

Your lips twitch into a small smile, one that he’s grown to love and adore. He’s confident that he’s so fucking deep in love and he doesn’t know how to move on. “You really think so?”

“Of course I do.” He flicks some crumpled-up post-it at you. “Since we’re not doing any homework anytime soon, what else do you want to talk about?”

Your gaze becomes a little more shy and nervous. “Umm… Weeell, I need help.”

“I mean, why else would I be here?”

“No, seriously, Keiji-kun. Seriously!!” You throw mock-fit, despite obviously looking anxious.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m listening. Sorry.”

“Uh. Um, so…” You blink and pretend to look focused on doodling on the corner of your math paper. “There’s this dude I like. Like, I reaaally like him, which is surprising even for me.” You laugh a little bit, and as Akaashi feels his heart start to tear in half, he forces out a chuckle to match. “He’s suuuper pretty– I think that’s the word for it? Pretty. And he’s kinda funny in his own way, and he’s really sweet and listens to me all the time even when I don’t deserve his time. And I dunno, I think he might like me back? Also, I really really really like him. But I don’t really know how to confess…

“Because you know, I’m kinda wack like that, haha. I’ll probably screw up the confession and make things worse, and, well, I need help.” You finish your ramble with a loud breath and you collapse your head onto the table, groaning.

“Uh–” Fuck, oh fuck him, fuck his life. “I mean… I think just a heartfelt confession would do? Something simple and sweet that says you really like him, in case somehow your words don’t work.” Akaashi feels like he’s sweating, a lot, and he feels even more frustrated than ever. His heart is crashing against his ribcage, and his mind is a fucking mess.

You frown a little bit, and suddenly a gush of words fly out of your mouth like a stream bursting from a dam. “Oh my god, what if I’m reading the signs all wrong and he doesn’t at all like me back? I mean, I wouldn’t blame him because I’m kinda ugly and have this weird personality thing going on and I’m shit at math and Bio-”

“Stop.” Akaashi forces himself to intervene, mainly because 1) you’re literally the light of his life and 2) he feels like he has to leave really soon after dealing with the news. “Shut up, [Name]. You aren’t ugly at all, and I, for one, enjoy your weird personality. And I already told you, you’re fine with academics.” He makes himself make eye contact with you, peering up from your arm covering your face, and says, “If he rejects you, he isn’t worth your time at all and you should move on.”

(Preferably with me.)

He watches you exhale, like he just unwound a tight spring from inside of you, and your shoulders relax and you melt from your anxious state, just a little bit. “You’re right. If.. if he doesn’t feel the same, I’ll just forget about him.”

“Because you’re a genius.” Akaashi tries to hype you up, but he still feels like crumbling. Falsely checking his phone, he stretches and stands up. “I have to go now, sorry. My mom asked me to pick up my little sister from tutoring.”

“Huh, already?” Confusion flits across your face, and it hurts him even more to just leave you after you confided in him, but he knows he has to leave before he says something he might regret. “Oh, okaayy.. see you tomorrow then. Thanks for helping me out.” You yawn before standing up to hug him goodbye.

“No problem.” He says it casually, but Akaashi feels his mood drop faster and lower than ever. He hugs you back, but he breaks away fast.

After leaving your house and collapsing onto his bed in his locked bedroom (with his 11-year-old sister knocking on the door and curiously asking what’s wrong), he can’t help but feel hurt that you couldn’t even tell him who your mystery crush’s name was.

A week passes by, and neither of you mention the conversation at your house. It doesn’t matter either way, since you two are still so casually best friends. At the same time, he desperately wants to push the matter just to find out who it is.

Otherwise, Akaashi has noticeably been more quiet and moody to the point that he doesn’t know how to control it. Sure, he keeps up the same as he would before your conversation, but he can’t help but feel his heart sink everytime he sees you. His mind is ecstatic every time he talks to you, while simultaneously wanting to tear itself apart.

He’s tried getting rid of feelings for you, in literally every way possible. From avoiding thinking about you (which backfired horribly because he ended up thinking more about you) to focusing on other girls (ew, none of them were even capable of creating the same effect on him as you do), he’s tried it all and it’s all failed.

Akaashi realizes his silent slump has gotten so bad to the point that Bokuto made him sit out a few practice matches in the gym just because Akaashi was nowhere near the spot that any of the team expected him to be at.

After school, he meets with you near the vending machine as always. You buy two cans of coffee, one for you and one for him.

As soon as he takes the can gratefully, you clear your throat.

“Yeah, [Name]?”

Glancing around before staring him in the eye, you start, “Keiji-kun, before you run away, I just…. I just wanted to let you know I really really really like you. Like, a lot.” You start speaking kind of fast, so Akaashi can’t process what you’re saying.

“And I mean it. Ever since the Bio project, you’ve been so nice to me and you’ve been such a great friend even though I made it hard sometimes, and along the way I just caught feelings. You honestly mean everything to me, and I appreciate you so much for everything we’ve been through. I- I think, I love you, Keiji. And I hope you accept my feelings.” You smile, almost nervously but nonetheless sincere, and Akaashi thinks he’s about to explode.

“I- I,” Fuck, oh my fucking god, he thinks to himself. He’s shaking a little bit– that’s how happy he is. “[Name], I..” God fucking damn it, he can’t even express how happy he is. He feels his cheeks blossom and he feels his lips quirk into this goofy smile.

But then he watches you shy away a little bit as you hurriedly say, “I- I mean, sorry. It’s okay if you just wanna be friends-”

“No.” Finally, Akaashi can use his mouth and then he gently takes your cheeks in his hands and closes the gap between you two, lips connecting in a display of pining and affection.

He practically melts into the kiss, he’s never been so happy. He thinks he’s actually about to implode; he’s been dreaming about kissing you like this, against your soft, plush lips. And finally he’s able to call you his, to call you the one. When the two of you finally break away for air, he’s breathing hard and his mind is a mess, which is rare considering his usual stoic state.

Akaashi has also never seen you so flustered and blushy. He murmurs into your ear as he takes your hand, “Feelings are 100% reciprocated.”

“I can tell,” you laugh breathily, and he’s so happy to hear that some of your anxiety has dissolved in that sweet kiss. He’s absolutely infatuated with you in every aspect. He leans in for a soft, quicker kiss on the lips and savors the feeling of warmth he gets. “Dork.”, he whispers.

“Only for you.”

#akaashi keiji x reader #akaashi keiji #hq x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #haikyuu scenarios #holy shit this is long #this wasnt supposed to happen

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bleachintothemultiverse · 4 years

Text

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME. First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all have witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat Mun Name: Phoenix (Pho) (can also be called blaze-bc of my discord username. though i use that name for a oc) Age: 17 (18 in august) Contact: Discord, ims

Character(s) I rp: Aizen,grimmjow, Uryuu, renji, Byakuya, Kusaka, Hanataro Which muse(s) inspires you the most atm?(for MM): Aizen, Grimmjow, Byakuya and Uryuu Current Fandom(s): Bleach, fullmetal alchemist, Yugioh Fandom(s) you have an AU for: Fullmetal alchemist : Brother hood, Yugioh My language(s): English, spanish //Kinda- im learning it// Themes I’m interested in for rp: Fantasy / Science fiction / Horror / Western / Romance / Thriller / Mystery / Dystopia / Adventure / Modern / Erotic / Crime / Mythology / Classic / History / Renaissance / Medieval / Ancient / War / Family / Politics / Religion / School / Adulthood / Childhood / Apocalyptic / Gods / Sport / Music / Science / Fights / Angst / Smut / Drama / etc. Themes/Genres you have an AU for: Modern.

Preferred Thread length: one-liner / 1 para / 2 para / 3+ / novella. Asks can be send by: Mutuals / Non-Mutuals / Personals / Anons. Can Asks be continued?: YES / NO only by Mutuals?: YES / NO. Preferred thread type: crack / casual nothing too deep / serious / deep as heck. Is realism / research important for you in certain themes?: YES / NO. Are you atm open for new plots?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. Do you handle your draft / ask - count well?: YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. How long do you usually take to reply?: 24h / 1 week / 2 weeks / 3+ / months / years. I’m okay with interacting: original characters / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / my fandom / crossovers / multi-muses / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / canon-divergent portrayals / au-versions (as main or only verse). Do you post more ic or ooc?: IC / OOC. Are you selective with following others?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

Best ways to approach you for rp/plotting: message me either on ims or discord. ^^ I am open up to any idea that you may have What expectations do you hold towards your plotting partner: Uh knowing what muse they want to interact ahead of time. Normally I can create a plot if they already know what Muse they want to rp with. How do you usually plot with others, do you give input or leave most work towards your partner?: I say it kinda 50/50 I tried to build the plot equally with the rp partner.

When a partner drops the thread, do you wish to know?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: I know some things happen- so its okay if you don’t want to tell me if you are- I normally figure it out after weeks of not responding. (Unless you are a low activity blog- then i figure you are just busy ^^) - Will you tell your partner?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

Is communication in the rpc important to you? YES / NO. - And why?: Because communication is important, especially for plots we are winging mostly. and if they have any questions about how i portray a certain character. - Are you okay with absolute honesty, even if it may means hearing something negative about you and/or portrayal?: I wanna say Yes. It really depends- If its about me. I want to know why you say that especially if you don’t know me well and we could possibly clear up a misunderstanding or something. But if it for a character Yea sure. As long as it done explaining what they don’t like on it or if there is something I could improve. - Do you think you can handle such situation in a mature way? YES / NO.

Why do you rp again, is there a goal?: to explore my muses and expand on the more complex ones. (Like Aizen for example) Wishlist, be it plots or scenarios: TYBW stuff. more Pendulum arc stuff for Aizen. Muken Aizen related things. What Type of Starters do you prefer / dislike, can’t work with?: I can work with basically any type of starters? As long as it has a clear way to make interaction happen.

What type of characters catch your interest the most?: Characters i’m familiar with. Characters that is well done (Especially Oc’s). What type of characters catch your interest the least?: Characters that seem way to Mary or gary sue. (More Oc related things). Characters who are just- evil because they can be.

What are your strong aspects as rp partner?: willing to learn about different fandoms. Open to literally anything. gets invested in ships easily. What are your weak aspects as rp partner?: Being to anxious to communicate. Forgetfulness. Loosing track of threads (Because threadtracker hates me-) Do you rp smut?: YES / NO. Do you prefer to go into detail?: YES / NO / DEPENDS. Are you okay with black curtain?: YES / NO. - When do you rp smut? More out of fun or character development?: I don’t rp smut. - Anything you would not want to rp there?: N/A Are ships important to you?: YES / NO.

Would you say your blog is ship-focused?: YES / NO

.Do you use read more?: YES / NO / SOMETIMES.

Are you: Multi-Ship / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship — Multiverse / Singleverse.

- What do you love to explore the most in your ships?: Relationship building. Having moments that can be expanded on between the characters. Having relationship conflict. Even know i don’t rp smut- There is so much that can explored with ships that is more then just sex related things.

- What is your smut tag?: N/A

Are you okay with pre-established relationships?: YES / NO. - And what kind of ones?: Familial, Friendship.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

//you said to pick my favorite muse- so here we go xD// - What could possibly make your Muse interesting towards others, why should they rp with this particular character of yours now, what possible plots do they offer?: Oh jeez- he is the main villian of the series. One of the most unpredictable muses that I have. Possible plots- depends on the time line. If its in the pendulum era. Literally anything can happen. There is a large gap of time (9 years) of things that could of happen but the anime or manga didn’t show. The same goes with his Captain era. We don’t really see much then or anything relating to his time in Muken. There is a lot of different situations that could happen with the right other muse.

- With what type of Muses do you usually struggle to rp with?: muses who are hopelessely romantics. muses who don’t have much to work with in a plot. - With what type of Muses do they usually work well with?: muses who has similar mind set as him or could be as unpredictable. . Characters that could possibly catch him off guard or catch his interest because of the way they act.

- What interests your Muse(s) in general: evolution, Science related things. hollowification experimenting. becoming a god. - What do they desire, is their goal?: Their goal . It depends most verses its to gain access to the royal realm and become the one true god, and change the soul society. - What catches their interest first when meeting someone new?: The way that they handle them selves, there intentional personally. - What do they value in a person?: Loyalty. Hard working. - What themes do they like talking about?: he likes when people talk about themselves. He can learn more about them. But he also likes talking philsophical debates about existence and morals. Or anything that would relate to his mindset about life. - Which themes bore them?: anything to romantic. He does not like that. like full on fliriting. He doesn’t do at all.

- Did they ever went through something traumatic?: Yes //though it can be debated what is consider traumatic to a adult who causes there own trauma mostly// //But like- he had to have seen some stuff in his childhood that would make him more desensitize to murder and killing fellow Shinigami// - What could possibly trigger them?: Experiencing the feeling of dying. Sensory deprivation. //after his 20,000 years in Muken. Which is underground. away from most sounds and sights and feeling// - What could set them off, enrage them?: Making him question his motives. Making him actually feel something. making him loose his goals.

- Is there someone /-thing they hate?: Urahara, Shinji. - Is there someone /-thing they love?: //Romantically- in most verses no// Platonically : Hiyori (only in pendulum arc). Hougyoku. his self.

Is your Muse easy to approach?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?: catch their attention. Literally just talk to him. don’t go trying to challenge or question his ego. Literally just talk to him with any amount of respect . depending on the verse- his responses may very. but other then that- He is rather easy to approach depending on your intentions to be approaching him. - Where are they usually to find?: His office in division five, hueco mondo, (Specifically in Los Noches), Muken. The forest near rukongai (only really applies to pendulum verse).

Something you may still want to point out about your muse?: he is nerd with a god complex. he deserves a more flesh out back story then what the Manga gave him. I try to keep him as close to the manga, keeping all of the things that happen in the manga and anime as canon. Only changing his child hood and early divisions days- as that isn’t really shown and expanding his relationships with some of the visoreds. I also portray him as Aro/ace in most verses so its very Awkward if you try to ship with him in most verses unless discussed in ims or discord. tagged by @skyvar //thank you for the tag snow uwu// tagging @rukia-kuchiki-divided @redeyeschaosdragon @kaibacorpbros (any bro) @viciousvizard @hirako5hinji @bookofaion @gentleshinigami @goofyshinigami @windstormwielding @cxb3r @nightbeat-cat @world-duelists / @loyal-to-chaos (if you want ^^) and you! if you want to do this uwu.

#dash games #about mun #about muse #//wow this was a long one :D but i had fun uwu//#Long post

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paralianprince · 4 years

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what made you decide to play sealand over a different nation?

have you ever had the experience of looking through fanart of a character, one who you dont even necessarily care about or like that much, but some of the pictures just… hit to key for reasons you can’t even really articulate, they just give off a certain vibe or aesthetic or something idk, aura of the character & and in a burst of inspiration you suddenly adore & completely understand their entire Concept in a way that’s hard to explain but like you Feel It Though.

that’s what happened to me with sea ! i just tripped and fell on my ass and was like “god dammit i guess i love sealand now. fck”

he actually wasn’t my first blog, i started with hong kong, and ive also played japan, but he steadily became the character im most passionate about

as for why i started to retire my other muses one by one until i only have sea and ladonia now, it’s a combination of Severe Anxiety regarding portraying a real culture (even if i research a lot, and talk to people from that place who are kind enough to give me pointers, which i was able to do with hk which Ruled, the feeling never went away)

and more importantly micronations are fun as hell and just so odd and entertaining to play because there’s so much cool weird shit about them. they’re all incredibly vibrant and strange! like a lot of them are so wack that sealand is completely normal by comparison. and building a character out of that, and trying to convey that character to people, and trying to get people to understand them, is An Experience.

and as a micro rper, i promise u, the experience of finding someone *else* who *also* plays micronations is so exciting that it borders on being a parallel for the bond they have with each other just by virtue of what they are, that they’ll inevitably struggle with making w actual nations, again, just bc of What they are

i’m pretty sure this ask was sent bc of my tags on that insecurity post from last night-- that i admit i have a bit of a complex about approaching people, bc i try to be humble / realistic that micronations probably aren’t thaaat high on most people’s priority list of characters they eagerly want to write with. it’s possible, but i don’t want to assume, u kno?

and i dont want to make anyone feel obligated just bc i approached them, so i kind of waffle on whether i should reply to someone’s open, send something from a starter meme, etc.

this is VERY MUCH a case of complaining about problems i specifically personally caused for myself tho. and i don’t even really mean to complain, so much as just explain why i hesitate sometimes & that i’m trying to work thru it anyway! and it’s EXTRA kinda my own fault, bc not only do i main micronations exclusively now, but i chose the two MOST overbearing in-your-face jackasses available. because OF COURSE i would.

ANYWAY I HOPE THIS SUFFICIENTLY EXPLAINS IT

and while i’m here on my hill: i’m totally of the opinion that most hws rpers should Try writing a micronation at least Once-- even if it’s just for like, a week or two, just to know what it’s like trying to develop them into rounded characters from not much at all, really. also, ive had experience with both types of characters and, with my hand to god, i swear it really changes the way you interact w other characters & the way they interact with yours in return.

and its FASCINATING to watch people play them for the first time, and talking with them about it as they go is extremely fun. i’m biased, of course-- i think it’s impossible not to be, when you’re invested in your character and the groups they belong to. but still !

#Anonymous #ooc

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justsomeantifas · 5 years

Text

its 11:59 its still technically tonight so

this is gonna be my reference point to questions abt venezuela, at least regarding things pre- May 19 2019. Its a bit scattered and it may get edited down along the road, but yeah.

short version that draws some similar conclusions: https://www.salon.com/2019/05/17/the-plot-to-kill-venezuela_partner/

one difference in scales that’s important to keep in mind: the lifespan of people is 2-7 decades. the lifespan of colonialism lasts centuries. the lifespan of media memory is a couple years, tops.

Most western narratives of venezuela start meaningfully at chavez, which is a mistake. The focus point in history around which the country flowed was the Caracazo. You probably already know about this, but a massive uprising took place in the heart of Caracas, against decades of dictatorship both formal and informal, after severe instability in the global oil market. The people were hungry, the riots were fiery, and the bullets bled. knows the death toll even now, but its estimated well into the thousands. This happened pre-chavez, and started a cascade of events which brought him into limelight that you can read about here. not gonna go into more venezuelan history, but i talk a bit more here

chavez was democratically elected, multiple times.

in 2002, after his first democratic election, he was kidnapped by US-backed troops and replaced by someone who threw out the 1999 constitution, which was as legitimate as any other made in venezuela’s colonial and violently capitalist history, seeing as it was the first (aka only, so far) of 26 constitutions actually approved by popular referendum. He was reinstated largely due to massive protests in support of him. Maduro however doesn’t really have as much of the charisma and support of chavez, which is creating problems - as well as exacerbating problems created by the economic crises ramping up just around chavez’s death. In 2015, there were elections to the National Assembly, which ended up with the Opposition winning a majority of the seats (which does show that there’s some degree of fairness in the elections, at least verifiably up til that point, yet that isnt rly accounted for when western media describes it as “undemocratic” - many of whom don’t apply the same scrutiny to their own country: such as this UN Human Rights councilor who also happens to be the crown prince of british-iraq, currently residing in the noted democracy of the Kingdom of Jordan, which has no vested interest or control over any particular export of Venezuela.).

This turnout showed most of all that maduro had alienated as many as 2 million of his supporters, who didnt end up voting (though many also voted against him - trying to act on their feeling that whatever they want, its “not this”). This decreasing support also accelerates whats known as “Everyday Sabotage” - people not trusting in the government, and look out for their own interests contra everyone else. This is a danger inherent to tying “Socialism” to a primarily state project.

However 1999 Constitution was never meant as an eternal document & it created mechanisms to call for new popular constitutional referendums to be held. That’s what the “Constituent Assembly” is about, which is what a lot of the western world is describing as him singlehandedly rewriting it (while also being “vague about its contents”), or “created by him”. Elections to the constituent assembly were boycotted by opposition, so that it would be government controlled & look like a sham in the eyes of the broader world. That being said, the assembly was called both as a reaction to losing election but also in response to intensifying crises - it was put forth (i don’t see any reason to believe in bad faith) as a way to come together and figure out how to address the needs that were driving people to protest - to address the desire for “not this”, but bc of the uncertainty, it was easily twistable by reactionaries by putting all emphasis on the former. Also timing corresponds with increasing fears of maduro straying from the path of chavez, the image of scrapping one of his strongest plays for smth unknown is risky - tho if there are other meaningful options given the situation im not sure. And the body’s got at least as much constitutional legitimacy as Guaido (Chapter III)

The 1999 constitution also enabled a recall election to be called against maduro in 2016, bc it was written with particular attention to holding public officials accountable - similar noble commitments helped to end the presidency of Rousseff & bring in Bolsonaro (who was also one of the people spurring on the investigations and whipping up a social base).

(speaking of guaido & bolsonaro)

on Guaido:

part of student group in 2007 protesting against non-renewal of coup-assisting network, who the CFR (one of the major think tanks of the cold war still playing a big role in foreign policy today) considered “most important network”

close friend of Leopoldo Lopez, the aforementioned coup plotter.

politician since 2010, won a couple small elections

Unknown to majority of general population until 2019, most venezuelans surveyed didnt know him

Plan Pais

plans to privatize state owned industry & allow investment from foreign oil companies

center-right neoliberal draped in platitudes of “stability”, “revitalization”, “security”, and “rescue” - a message seemingly deliberately targeted to become more and more resonant with increased sanctions.

/on Guaido

governing is about the expression of power. I wanna live in a world where that power isn’t expressed, but as long as the exploitation of the global working class continues unabated, id prefer some of that power be put towards helping the poor.

there is no such thing as a static state of affairs, there’s no “goldilocks zone” out in the political universe where we tweak things finely until we find whats best for everyone, only different rates of change in different dimensions. what we need to do is figure out how we can push that state of affairs in a direction so that everyday people have the power to take control of their lives. re

re: “constitutionality” - if the supreme court calls it constitutional then its constitutional. period. There’s no such thing as a supreme court as an “independent branch” of government, but there are different degrees of integration into the rest of it.

The Supreme Tribunal of Venezuela has 32 members, (a bit more than a dozen put in by the national assembly, while the PSUV held it), and the opposition holds abt 3 away from a supermajority. Each member of the court holds their spot for 12 years. If that’s “The Most Corrupt In The World” according to Transparency International, i wonder what world the 9-person lifetime-appointed US Supreme Court (2 of which appointed by trump, and save for pulling a Weekend At Ginsbergs, likely 3) is on. In fact, one of the tactics that the more radical circles of democrat voters are putting forward is to pack the Supreme Court. Because thats how shit actually gets done, or at the least how shit is prevented from being committed w the stamp of legality. FDR learned that lesson too, in trying to pass what is today known as “The New Deal”

My comparisons to trump are for specific end: these actions are exerted on levers of liberal democracy, and every single liberal democracy is susceptible to them in some ways.

whats a “dictator”? if hes unelected, the millions of people who participated in the elections dont seem to think so. if maduro is a dictator, then what is donald trump? the majority of ppl didnt vote for him yet hes still governing. macron’s popularity has at several points been less than 1/3, and the yellow vest protestors have been violently attacked - why is he not “a violent dictator with only the support of the military”? These terms are not neutral.

“their elections are highly flawed” So What? show me a country whose elections arent.

“opposition jailed” - ok but coup plotters don’t get off easy in any liberal democracy. If someone - say Bernie Sanders - said “enough is enough” and succeeded in overthrowing the current government with the help of a foreign government…. you think they’d let him go free? what if ten years later he was getting his supporters all riled up to do it again? how long you think he’d be in jail for (assuming he can survive well into his 100’s)? You think more than 13 years? Think he’d get house arrest? Some US states lock you up for posessing weed up to 10. If you stay long enough around this blog, youll find plenty of other examples of much more cruel and unusual punishments. Look at Chelsea Manning, look at Oscar Riviera… look at the US protestors saying Guaido is illegitimate

what we have to keep in mind most of all, is to show that the contradictions being exploited are inherent to Liberalism. Contradictions are just expressed most freely at the margins - the interstices

poor economic decisions happen everywhere - 2008/2009 still affecting the entire world there’s violence thats “natural”, and violence thats “intolerable”. The dividing line is whether we have anything to gain by changing things.

sanctions: started under obama, originally targeted specific individuals, used as precedent for more generalized. They’re indirect - they have a “squeezing effect”, takes already-existing problems & just makes them markedly worse. also doesn’t necessarily correlate with emigration, bc it takes a lot of money to start a new life somewhere else, and sanctions disproportionately affect the poor.

war wouldnt likely look like (many) US boots on the ground - we’ve got plenty of other places to be. It’d look like guns being smuggled to counter-protestors. It’d look like sending resources to neighboring countries like Colombia or Brazil who would then use their troops. Colombias ruling party is right wing populists - much of current president’s campaign was run on fearmongering abt venezuelan socialism - they’re raring to go. It’d look like drones https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caracas_drone_attack. Also means there likely won’t be a sudden trigger, its a gradually escalating stressful gradually-more-warlike situation.

If war does break out - where would the refugees go? In reality the majority would go to Colombia, but if anything significant breaks out there will be a stream of those looking to find shelter in the US, which has advertised itself as a beacon of hope - what would happen to them? some may get taken in as a gesture of showmanship, but nowhere close to the majority.

speaking of the US - imagine if trump and bolton manage to actually plot a winning coup. Do you think that that wont be his main bullwark against ppl like Bernie? you think the media and rest of the democratic party wont jump on that narrative and “begrudgingly” support a fascist because the alternative might mean supporting single payer and not-having-good-for-ratings-climate-apocalypse?

another term thrown around without regard is “once vibrant” - for whom?

most articles ive seen just take this as an axiom, and dont find any cognitive dissonance when also saying chavez reduced poverty hugely.

The answer to that rhetorical question: Citgo is venezuelan, before chavez none of the wealth went back to venezuela - thats what “vibrancy” means.

many similarities with BP (the-artist-formerly-known-as-the-anglo-iranian-oil-company)

in age of climate change & vocal ppl about phasing out oil, the more one’s livelihood is connected to oil, the more unstable ones country will be - either that, or the more instability ones country will cause.

“Oil exports fell by $2,200 per capita from 2012 to 2016, of which $1,500 was due to the decline in oil prices.”

The drop in price that affected the venezuelan economy so much in 2014 was largely by US shale fracking

in 1970’s Chile, copper was the main product of Chile - allende nationalized the mines, and in return wall street dropped the

(also worth noting that venezuela’s got non-insignificant untapped shale basins)

At least venezuela used the oil money to fund social programs instead of like, pad the pockets of Raytheon.

also oil price wars in africa highly correlated w oil (whose annual production doesn’t even combined total venezuelas)

a couple ppl have raised concerns abt my strong stance on equivocal dismissal - if there’s a difference, if there’s some way of reading your statement that says “X country that the State Dept wants to invade is an anomoly in the otherwise free world”, then that’s acting to push the discourse towards normalization & invasion. It’s not “whataboutism”, just basic consistency.

now more than ever, narratives are affected by people. They may not be ones we had a hand in forging, but the way that we propagate them actually does have measurable effects on the larger-scale political outcomes. Always look for the base assumptions, as well as the direction

sure denounce Chavez. sure denounce Maduro. denounce Kim, Xi, Castro, anyone. But if there’s no equally or proportionally loud denunciations of the horrors perpetrated by allies - the “assumed”, “natural” violence, then you’re acting to reinforce the narrative of exceptionalism.

Just make sure after you take a breath, you denounce Saudi Arabia & Yemen, Israel for Palestine, the conditions which brought Argentinian/Brazillian, Brazilian coup, the US for Puerto Rico, the conditions which have murdered dozens of journalists in Mexico per year…

what people want most of all is stability. “A debate over whether it is mismanagement and corruption by the Maduro government or the sanctions that are the author of the crisis is largely irrelevant. The point is that a combination of the reliance on oil revenues and the sanctions policy has crushed the policy space for any stability in the country.”

government’s errors and tensions

fixed exchange rate -> black market

took 5 years to address changing relation between dollar & BsF, all the room between those two curves left a huge room for intensifying crises, though since it also corresponds with the death of chavez, it sorta makes sense.

antidemocratic actions and remarks by maduro

scattered responses filled w half-solutions

diversification needed, but how do you diversify an economy filled with rampant poverty, malnutrition, illiteracy…

(nominally begrudging) support for mineral extraction 12.4% of territory opened to extraction - “Special Economic Zone” as a method of managing decay

this is also what much of the reality of “economic diversification” looks like

not enough socialism. (even fox agrees!) Venezuela shows the limits of Social Democracy in countries living outside of the Imperial Core - esp the dangers if you’re in the crosshairs already bc of oil

started out as populism, gradually grew as confronted more. shows shaping influence on political organs from actions of foreign actors - if you’ve survived a coup before, you’re gonna become paranoid about any more of them - especially when the coup plotters say “hey lets do more coups”

also shows the weakness of only having a small number of charasmatic faces representing the movement - if one dies and theres no clear and popular replacement, then you’ll lose ppl who were largely brought in by the charisma, weakening your political project, and creating cracks for reactionary forces to take advantage of - especially in times of transition.

bourgeoisie still control a majority of the economy. Capitalist businesses are internally unaccountable, and in this age of intensified global trade, one can punish countries for straying from the pack by moving business & focus away. If you’re looking for dictatorships, look at the thousands of private companies run as dictatorships daily

capital flight is a real effect, precisely because socialism is fundamentally and irreconcilably against the self-interest of the bourgeoisie. not necessarily against the interest of the humans-who-are-also-bourgeois, but of the impersonal self-sustaining force of capital.

Have you ever pulled something out of an electrical socket, and seen a quick spark? The reason that occurs is bc of what’s called an induction current, which is a fancy physics word for flowing electricity not liking to suddenly change its flow. If you accidentally touch that spark, you might feel it, but youll live to tell the tale. But if you only take the plug out halfway & touch it, that’s a different story. Capital flows similarly.

my country (lithuania) has been facing sky-high emigration since the collapse of the USSR (with an added boost after 08-09), we have also consistently had one of the highest suicide rates in the world (#7), a minimum wage of about 3 Euros an hour (after a recent increase), as well as one of the highest prison populations in Europe (discounting Russia & Belarus… which like….)

when are we gonna be invaded? when will the US media talk about our pain?

oh wait, they did. We cried all pretty for the TV cameras, then they got a bozo nobody really knew of to denounce the government, who they called dictatorial (though it was far from ideal, massive bureaucracies dont tend to mix well with single-person-decision-making). And to be fair, the fact that the government was unpopular wasnt entirely undeserved. But what was promised to us was the idea of “Freedom”, “Free Enterprise”; to “Get Rid of Corruption” and institute “Real” Democracy". They said we’d be integrated into the glorious capitalist west, and we understood that to mean that we’d be in the position of a Germany, or at least an Austria or smth. But they never meant to integrate us into the imperial Core, we have always been seen as part of the Periphery - the “assumed” violence that “naturally” happens.

Then we got to where we our today. Some of the stuffs more available, but expensive. Most of the bureaucracy’s still around, it just helps fewer people. We stand as an example of what to expect, in one of the best case scenarios, you would join our emigrees now making up a significant percentage of underpaid house-servants aka maids across the EU.

if we want the people of Venezuela to be healthy, safe, and fulfilled, then:

speak out and pointing to the effects of US sanctions is incredibly important. They’ve already killed 40,000 people in the last year, and 300,000 more are in extreme danger (and millions more in long-term risk).

what does it mean when you simultaneously sanction trade with a place but also demand they let you give them humanitarian aid?

if there is to be action taken by the international community, then the US has forfeited its right to speak. They threw it away once in 2002, and obama rhetorically picked it up and dusted it off so that trump could throw it in a bigger dumpster, thats also on fire. However we also still live in a world deeply shaped by US Hegemony, so the opinions of its close trade partners & closest-knit media buds should be seen as influenced as such. Doesn’t mean that theyre wrong on everything too, but they still feel the magnetic pull of the US economy and ecosystem (as well as their own potentially imperial interests) and the effect of that force cannot be discounted.

transitioning our economies away from oil & away from globalized neoliberalism which only values peripheral states by their exports - dissolves tensions of how to produce in unproductive terrain

socialize medicine in the US, so that drug companies run by dictatorships can’t control their lives & ours. healthcare is especially reliant on imports, sanctions affect especially strongly.

normalize the ideas of Socialism, without taking the easy way out of “oh no dont think of Venezuela, think of sweden or denmark”. None of them are Socialist, but to avoid the complexities of Venezuela is to imagine that US attempts at socialism wouldn’t involve significant capital flight. If we don’t consider that, if we don’t have solid actionable plans to deal with that, while also facing the inherent complexity of changing material conditions, then we’re gonna waste whatever shot we get.

redirect conversation normally centered around government towards support of the tens of thousands of small business co-operatives, where people live their daily lives in a democratic manner.

on The Communes:

“delegating responsibility throughout all members, and bringing important decisions to the whole to work through and find the best possible solution… They create “collective criteria” together; agreements stipulating whether individuals have power over certain decisions or whether it is up to the whole group. However, he assures that these “are not rigid, they can change at any moment.” The cooperative I lived with in Venezuela had regular organizational meetings where they informally came to agreement and were even able to come back to re-evaluate decisions that didn´t seem to be satisfactory for the whole group in this same way. Decisions and decision making, in this way, are viewed as a process not contained by meetings and discussions in board rooms, but are always being analyzed and made better by the process of putting them into action, and not only by thinking them out and writing them down.”

- the “Self Government of the Producers” - aka what it looks like for cooks to govern.

they have communal councils as well - neighborhood councils in the same vein that so many (rightfully) find inspiring in Kurdistan . They preexisted chavez, but they were able to proliferate and be given legal recognition through him. I understand that legal recognition can act to ‘name’ a body & pin it to smth that doesn’t match its requisite variety - how dynamic it is, but imo as its currently legislated it recognizes a good amount of the autonomy that they had already been excersizing. - liable to change government recognition of co-ops has drawbacks too, and correlates negatively with that coop’s success

"A good example of this intention is the de-emphasis that cooperatives in Venezuela put on advertising or “marketing” products, and instead push to find more people to become part of the cooperative, and choose the services or products they provide based on community decisions about what is needed. A cooperative I worked in […] was originally a family owned and operated theater group that traveled around the country performing theater pieces that highlighted social and environmental issues. When they joined the […] cooperative, the larger co-op did an analysis and decided they wanted a natural fruit juice concentrate producer and gave the group a loan to acquire capital and start producing. They have been doing this for only a couple of years now but have already paid back the loan to the larger cooperative and are bringing extra money in to support themselves, better their services, and supply extra funds to the larger cooperative for community projects such as the recently [2012] built community health center…

The cooperative services I experienced and learned about in Venezuela were health, dental, food, and a separate example of trash services. A dental cooperative […] provides quality dental services (I know because I used them) almost every day for affordable prices. You don´t have to be a member of the cooperative, and you don´t have to make an appointment. It takes only a couple of hours, and emergency situations are treated with urgency. The health center, built with funds provided by all the associated cooperatives[…], works the same way. Anyone can go there, the services are subsidized by the cooperative so they are affordable, the clinic and workspaces are clean and well taken care of, and the quality of the service is great. Worker-members of the cooperative receive health care at the facility without charge except for the massage and acupuncture services that they also provide at a really low price.

[…] food services are priced to provide more access to food for the community in which it exists. The original and persistent intention is to make the best situation for people on all ends of the process. The producers are part of the cooperative and are part of the group that decides the prices that growers get, as well as the prices that the food is sold for. This means that both farmers and workers at the market decide what to charge a person, which ultimately affects how much money the growers receive, as well as if the food is affordable for the people who need to eat who live in the city. In a normal capitalist market system these parties are separated and put up against each other, raising prices for consumers and lowering them for small producers, excluding those people from getting enough money to afford all the necessities that are typically only provided at a high price.

One communal council, a parallel governing organization of community members linked to investment funds from the national government, in the city of Merida, Venezuela organized themselves to get funds to buy a trash collection truck. The truck at the time was used for a specific waste removal project that removed waste from their community regularly but was not a traditional collection service. However, they did have plans to expand the project to start their own collection service, and this would be provided by the commal council, an anti-capitalist organization which does not require people to pay for the service. Although this is not a “co-operative” as some hardliner co-operative enthusiasts might point out, it is a horizontal anti-capitalist organization widening access of necessary services to the larger community run by community members; following cooperative values of equity, inclusion, and solidarity I believe this to be an example of cooperative economics and action. It appears to me that economic inclusion is much more likely to widen only when those who are being excluded are included in the process of organizing the services and are in control of the economy.“

until the communes, workers cooperatives, and the like are strong enough to rule themselves, having Maduro in power is the only option given to us which doesn’t trigger the control of reactionaries. People make their own history, but not in situations of their choosing - the exact outcome isn’t predetermined, but there’s only a limited number of poles - gravitational attractors - towards which that trajectory is heading at any particular time.

if maduro acts to squash the power of the communes, then thats a different situation. but until that point, we outside of the country must work to center any discussion on these bodies - they are the heart of the country and of whatever social revolution has occurred/is further possible. They are filled with lessons for us to learn from, and show how rich and dynamic the organized populace can be if they are allowed to control their communities. (ex of dealing with gang violence from @ 22:50)

This is all said with recognition that many chavistas have acted against communes, the bureaucratic machine acts to co-opt much of their energy, its linguistically obscured the concept of "ownership” with that of “control”, and that the state has changed its messages over time. But the heart of the communes is what’s a priority, and they have acted against the government overstepping its bounds & mis-identifying them. But whats important is that there’s a feedback process in the gvt to actually allow them to assert their autonomy. Liberals will do their utmost to close those channels.

If Guaido and the Popular Will take control of power, be assured that whatever gains made in organizing the everyday people of Venezuela will be at the top of the chopping block. How effective that suppression turns out to be is undetermined - it might turn out to strengthen the communes, but that outcome would be damage control, not something to try and bullseye.

Effective Propaganda knows that its more effective to control what’s left out than control what’s put in. Keep that in mind, and study trajectories and forces.

other links:

https://next.podbay.fm/podcast/1363342644/e/1551711604

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Voc08vh9cJY

https://www.counterpunch.org/2013/06/21/a-cowboy-in-caracas/

https://thenextrecession.wordpress.com/2017/08/03/the-tragedy-of-venezuela/

https://www.multpl.com/venezuela-gdp

https://www.jacobinmag.com/2014/04/fivethirtyeights-venezuela-problem

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/why-venezeulas-middle-class-is-taking-to-the-streets/

https://news.vice.com/en_us/article/bjkmq8/fiery-protest-leader-leopoldo-lopez-faces-13-year-sentence-in-venezuela

https://potent.media/minimum-sentencing-for-marijuana-possession

https://www.thoughtco.com/core-and-periphery-1435410

https://popularresistance.org/building-the-commune-radical-democracy-in-venezuela/

http://www.antiwar.com/regions/regions.php?c=Venezuela

#venezuela #reference #imperialism #chavez #maduro #socialism #capitalism #extraction #oil #war #emigrant #communes #cooperatives

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livingasaghost · 4 years

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is this too personal? should it go on my private journal blog? maybe so. but i don’t fucking care.

listen i know to fall in love is like THE PEAK of the human experience (for some people, or at least that’s what the allo world has led me to believe) and i do in fact know it EXISTS like i know true love is real and it’s out there and people are living a fairytale where someone will stay married to you for like 30+ years and they will do ANYTHING you ask them too just bc they think you’re cool but like.........the fuck of it all is that i still believe romance isn’t meant for me

way back when i started this blog when i was but a dumb high school child i would always get pent up on line UGH ALAS NO ONE WILL LOVE ME I AM GROSS AND STUPID! (which like...valid) and i kept feeling shitty bc everyone was falling in love (none of those couples save the one shitty one survived that hellhole) and no boys would pay attention to me (me, a girl who stayed at home 90% of the time, did no extra curriculars outside of guitar lessons, and did not EVER interact with the boys in her classes unless forced to) and also i think i just hated myself (still valid sometimes) ...wait where was i going with this...OH YEAH i kept feeling sorry for myself bc NO ONE WOULD EVER LOVE ME and it felt like some huge travesty that no guy would ever tell me he thinks i’m special and beautiful and that he would do my laundry for me if i asked (the golden standard honestly). which like...in some ways, might be true. i do think true love is special and i think everyone deserves a shot at finding that, but i think it’s been cool to see my views on all this change over the past few years.

it’s not that i don’t believe in love. it’s not even that i believe i’m undeserving of it or that no man will ever find me attractive (bc honey i am GORGEOUS and i don’t CARE). like i think if i put myself out there and did try to go on dating apps or meet people at parties or go to bars i COULD do it. like i DID go on a date last year and that guy was VERY MUCH into me. and it was sweet. it was nice to have those nervous butterflies bc OMG WAIT YOU THINK IM CUTE??? NO WAY like yes that was nice! so clearly it can happen! it’s a thing! but like...i think i’ve become more exposed to that stuff and i’ve been in those situtations and i’ve realized that i am much more aroace than i thought. i still don’t think i’m aro, by any means, bc i genuinely love romance books (which means i like romance yes????? who’s to say) but like...man the idea of being IN A RELATIONSHIP...it’s weird man.

what’s odd is that up until like...2008/2009ish i don’t think i EVER was fantasizing about marriage/falling in love...at least not like that, not dramatically. i remember in 8th grade i went to oh lord it was a BIBLE STUDY OF ALL PLACES and the girls were like “so are you praying for your future husband????” and i was like uhhh what and then i SPIRALED SO HARD after that bc i was like FUCK I MIGHT HAVE A FUTURE HUSBAND!!! WOW!!!! A WEDDING IS SO PRETTY!!! I SHOULD HAVE THAT!! I GET TO HAVE THAT!! THE UNIVERSE/GOD OWES ME THAT!!!! I’M GONNA BE THAT!!!! and like the fuck of it all is that if i had never had that realization, had never seen bride wars or started a journal to my future husband (PLZ LAUGH BC IT’S THE SADDEST MOST HETERO THING I HAVE EVER DONE AND I HATE IT BUT I KEEP IT BC IT’S A JOURNAL OF THAT TIME OF MY LIFE) i don’t think i would have spiraled so much in high school fearing i’d end up alone. like sure when i started reading romance books i got sad too, but i don’t think i realized until that age that like...i was so invested in marriage? (yes we switched from love to married we’ll get to that - apparently it’s therapy time????) like i think i always assumed it’d happen for me bc doesn’t everyone get married and have kids? (my sweet summer child oh boy the brainwashing was deep) and it’s like.......fine. bc marriage is fine. love is fine and great whatever. (and i had a great marriage to learn from) but also...........all those expectations were pinned upon me when in actuality what i’m realizing now is that IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!!!!!!

like i’ve been to a number of weddings now and i’ve seen friends get engaged, have breakups, fall headfirst in love and then fall out it just as quick, i’ve seen friends be single and have hook-ups and get married and have their heart broken and like....even though in my heart of hearts i know it’s worth it if you find it, i also know that i wouldn’t know how to handle it. like i’ve read books about it all, i’ve listened to the songs, hell i HAVE watched other people go through it all...but i still don’t know what mine would be. bc the fuck of it all is that 1) i rarely feel attraction to anyone, and i haven’t met someone i’ve been attracted to since 2010 (!!!!) 2) at the end of the day i don’t think i necessarily want a physical relationship (which is kind of half the reason people marry right?) and 3) i don’t think i can imagine myself being that intimate with another person.

is it possible? yes. maybe one day in another 10 years i’ll make another leap and i’ll be living somewhere like new york and i’ll meet some guy through a job or through travel or through some weird twist of fate and we DO hit it off and everything works out and suddenly i realize that i can only be comfortable with this ONE person and thus we take it slow and eventually get physical and get married and HOORAY ITS ALL FINE IM NORMAL and as it turns out the gut feeling i had at 16 was correct and i AM actually demisexual! could happen. i wouldn’t be totally shocked. but i also know that right now...it’s not a possibility. it would take a LOT for me to be in that place. and i think that’s the difference. ten years ago in high school i just assumed i was normal, i assumed if i got what i thought i wanted it’d all work out and be fine and i’d be happy bc I WAS IN LOVE. but the fuck of it all is that that first date i had? it was proof that you should be careful what you wish for. i don’t want a boy to kiss me. i don’t want a boy to hold my hand. i want someone to talk to, who likes what i like, who supports me and thinks i’m cool, who’ll buy me nice presents sometimes and see me for who i am and not run away. and honestly? i HAVE THAT. i have a few people like that actually.

what i realized was that what i ACTUALLY want, is for the butterfly feeling. that feeling you get where you’re like nervous bc the other person said they think you’re cute and they want to learn more about you and they’re interested in you and they SEE YOU and you feel the same way about them and you think they’re nice to look at and they think you’re nice to look at. that’s what i want. i want the butterflies. i want to be attracted to someone. i haven’t felt that in GOD so many FUCKING YEARS. i mean i feel that with fictional characters sure, but we all know that’s stupid and doesn’t count.

like i kid you not i’ve only been attracted to two (possibly 3, but i’m not counting the 3rd) people in my entire life. just two. (i don’t count the celebrities and characters and things although i guess if i did it’d be up to like 5-10 maybe) but like people i’ve met? two. that’s it. and it’s all so STUPID. bc it DOESN’T MATTER! like i feel weird being like LOVE ISN’T FOR ME I DON’T WANT IT! bc it feels like a lie and i do know i would like someone to fall in love with me. but genuinely, truly, i feel like a different person that the hopeless girl i was in 2010 bc...i don’t need it. i don’t know what i’d do with it. i don’t want someone to touch me.

the great thing about all this that i realized a long time ago is that this bitch is never going to have a bad heartbreak. and i know the saying better to have loved than never love at all.......but i do love. i love all the time so much that sometimes i can’t breathe. i just...don’t have that kind of love. and it’s okay. bc no one will EVER hurt me like that.

like i always said if i WAS going to fall in love it would happen ONCE like i will not be dating multiple people in my lifetime, hell i probably won’t even go on that many dates without finding THE PERSON bc in part i don’t put myself out there often, but mainly bc i KNOW people. i know myself, i know what i want, i have intuition about all that and i truly genuinely think that if i ever found it, it’d be that or nothing. bc i also think the person i’d be into would be similar. and i know people probably think that’s stupid and also there’s nothing wrong with dating a lot of people in your lifetime, in falling in love more than once, but like...i’m not that kind of person. i think part of me really does believe in soulmates, even if there is some level of free will in the world outside of determinism.

but because i feel like that, and bc of my very VERY private personality (who doesn’t let people in easily, who doesn’t care casually, who doesn’t give my heart away without protecting itself) i just don’t think i’d ever let myself...oh no here is a dark truth YIKES...i don’t think i’d ever let myself feel that deeply about someone.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well this is an interesting thought

which is the PERFECT start to a romance novel i might add

like i feel a LOT don’t get me wrong. i may repress my emotions but ya girl has a lot of passion a lot of love a lot of feelings for things. and i do love some people A LOT. like friends mainly. i love them SO MUCH (too much) and the ones who are STILL my friends...i have learned how to let them live their lives. i love them desperately, they inevitably let me down or move or fall in love (jesus christ it’s the worst) or whatever, and then things shift and i tell myself “hey you know what? it’s okay, you’re clearly no longer the most important thing in their life, so you can just pull back and not invest so much in them bc clearly they want to invest in other things and that’s okay!!” and then i move all my affection to someone else who DOES want it at that time, and thus i let people go bc i give them the space i assume they need and then the space gets to big and we can’t overcome it bc i don’t know what i’m supposed to fight or go back or try again or whatever and then they don’t fight for me (maybe bc i didn’t fight first, maybe bc they just stopped caring about me) and then suddenly...it’s over and i’m sad but i’ve put so much distance between us that i don’t really feel anything anymore. like oh my god what the fuck

literally my heart’s self-destruct protocol is that when i notice someone slipping away and stop caring about me i just assume the worst and immediately stop caring about them and then they can’t really hurt me. so the ones who HAVE hurt me are the ones who directly called me out and lied to me or did something bad. most of the people i drifted from who i once ADORED really only stopped being close to me because i thought they didn’t want me around anymore and i didn’t want to be annoying. (or bc i pushed them away bc i didn’t want them but that’s another thing) so like truly i think it would have to be someone being MEAN to me out of nowhere bc otherwise i’d just be like “it’s cool, we grew apart, i’ll get over it” (which i dont believe someone who really loved me would do) ahhhhhhhhhhhh

...

so anyway we all know this is hypothetical and obviously i wouldn’t know how i’d genuinely react if i fell in love but we also know that i WON’T fall in love in the next 5-10 years (prove me wrong by tyler joseph) but it’s fucking VALENTINES DAY WEEK and literally this happens every year bc i try and convince myself that HEY! YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE IN LOVE DAMMIT! but then sometimes i think FUCK! I WANT TO BE IN LOVE DAMMIT! and it’s like honestly yeah mood....but they can coexist. i want to fall in love. i know i would not do well in a romantic relationship right now. i also know i deserve love, and i would be a great partner to someone. but i also know it’s all complicated and fucked up and difficult and i don’t meet people anyway and i wonder if my real partner is somewhere waiting in new york and and and and and and and i’m just so FUCKING SICK OF IT ALL!!!!!!! truly!!!!! i’m sick of feeling inadequate just bc i don’t want to kiss a boy. i’m sick of feeling obligated to fall into society’s romantic norms. i’m sick of waiting for someone to love me and treat me well when i have people who do that already. i’m sick of my friends falling in love, sick of people having their heart broke bc they fall for shitty people...i’m sick of shitty people breaking other people’s hearts for no reason. i’m sick of my awesome parents and their absolutely beautiful true love. i’m sick of being single. i’m sick of daydreaming about what it’d be like to be romantically attracted to someone. i’m sick of reading romance books and i’m sick of wishing i was in one. i’m sick of being asexual. i’m sick of allosexual people. i’m sick of watching people make out. i’m sick of my friends falling in love and then treating their friends like shit just bc they only care about their significant other. i’m sick of VALENTINES DAY!!! i’m sick of weddings!!!! i’m sick of conventional hetero norms!!!! i’m sick of love songs and dating apps and feeling like my worth is tied to someone loving me romantically. i’m sick of SEX OH MY GOD PLZ MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!

i can’t believe my therapist tried to tell me that i would always be a little lonely if i never had a romantic/sexual partner. fuck that. you don’t need anything but your friends and your family and your own self love. god is big enough.

I’M NOT LONELY I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND ME AND LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!!!

...

just had a weird thought that i can never be an authentic christian bc half my friends aren’t christian so around them i act like christanity is a joke (in some ways it is?) but i also can’t be authentic around my christian friends bc some of the things they say i can’t fully stand behind either bc i am a secular person too and it’s just like WE REALLY CAN’T WIN HUH GOD!!!!! i love being unknowable!!!! at least i have laura shes the only person who understands both sides that’s nice

oh my god i get to hug laura the day after tomorrow

...

anyway.

can’t wait to be the random single family member who shows up at all the family gatherings while all my cousins get married and have kids! i finally have accepted that i get to live that dream and WOW IT FEELS GOOD!!!!!!

#love #marriage #asexuality #demisexuality #vday #why does vday even exist #im not even mad im just like......do we need it #i love capitalism #personal #sorry if you're on mobile just SCROLL PLZ

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gotatext · 5 years

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PREFERRED NAME — nora. i think i started going by it in like, 2009?? my full name is eleanor but i hated it n thought it was way too pretentious n i never felt like it fitted me so when i started writing on forums i decided i’d be a nora rather than eleanor and then my school friends called me it and it just kinda stuck, the only person who calls me eleanor is my mum

PRONOUNS — she / her / ethereal being beyond comprehension

AGE — 23 but i tell everyone im 21 because even tho time is literally fake im desperately clinging to that fleeting thing we call youth trying to catch it like smoke in my hands

PINTEREST — i actually have two. this one is my main one where i just cram all my shit n i’ve had it for years and some of its super unorganised. then i also have this one which is one i made for exclusively female characters. it started as mythological figures but now its like, women in literature and the occasional oc as well. variety is the spice of life!

DISCORD — lindsay lohan’s meth#8664

TUMBLR (PERSONAL/MUSE/RPH) — i used to be froseths but now im pvrscphones cos ya gal is a fucking whore for mythology

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — oi oi guvna ere’s me twitta. also here’s my letterboxd n my goodreads if anyone still uses tht

MYER-BRIGGS — enfp / infp border .... the classic profile of a lit student

HP HOUSE — hufflepuff, am fuckin mad.

ZODIAC — libra which is a joke because i am in no way balanced but i guess i AM indecisive and a peacekeeper so?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — i believe it when it says good shits gonna happen in my life and blame it if bad shit happens but i don’t strongly follow it i just find it interesting

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — maybe like 14?? my first rp blog here is literally so embarassing i wrote as clove from the hunger games n my best friend irl wrote cato :/ it was wild

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — like 9 years ago?? 2010 maybs

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — me n my friend ellie made this really cool group the summer before we left for uni which was loosely based on a concept mentioned mayb once in the divergent series, but it gave us loads of freedom to make it our own thing. it was called the fringe n it was like..... this dystopian society where people with different genes were cut off from the rest of society n lived in overrun slum cities where different groups had like, a monopoly over weapons, produce, etc.... my character jack was the leader of this lost-boy-esque tribe called the wolf pack who were hunters n used to run across the rooftops wearing the skins of animals they’d killed and engage in tribal rituals with sacrifices to the gods n shit. sounds lame but everyone there was so invested in their character arcs that it was a shame to see it go. but ! it kind of reached its end point so we blew it up w nukes n they all died. tragic.

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — a fox?? do ppl keep foxes? idk i’ve always just felt a sense of connection w them like when a fox stares at me im like this shit is life i am living and breathing in this bitch.... visceral

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — everbody party tonight by cobra man n summer girl by haim..... not my usual stuff but big summer chillin vibes,.....

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — lord of the flies and also the handmaid’s tale. one of assignments was to write a chapter from another character’s perspective n i chose moira

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — skellig. fuck off with ur asprin ugly bat man i don’t care. also of mice and men. don’t care about the rabbits or curley’s goddamn wife.

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? — im not a big binger bc i find it jst makes me depressed if i watch tv all day but im nearly finished stranger things season 3 n i recently finished euphoria (big rec but proceed w caution as quite triggering content)

FAVOURITE QUOTE — cool girl speech from gone girl. but also “there’s something dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls” i know its like.... such an overused quote but it really encapsulates this kind of feral girlhood that a few of my characters like bridget n greta have tapped into. i also loved the line “i feel like i could eat the world raw” from song of achilles, that really captures this kind of.... pure n childlike enthusiasm tht i wanna achieve w rory

LINK TO A VINE THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this is my energy completely am always covered in glitter n staring broodily out of the windows of ubers at 4am like im in the sad bit of an indie film

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — uhh.... not as much as i shd.... i want to be a writer so i shd be makin some effort to get my stuff Out Into The World but im just not.... lol. ive done a lot of poetry collections . i wnt to finish a novel @ some point too.

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL TRUST — bold of you to assume i trust any youtubers

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — id literally die for saoirse ronan n timothee chalamet :/ chance perdomo also owns my ass.

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — i once high-fived dani harmer, the actress who played tracy beaker. today my sister text me tryin to make me guess what celebrity she just saw on holiday in wales and for ages she let me think it was timmothee but it was actually bradley walsh from the chase :/

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am in a bomb ass crop top and mini skirt, several scrunchies in my hair, glitter all over my face, wearing cowboy boots. we eat dinner in a trendy but affordable pub that doubles up as a cocktail bar n then we drink zombies or sex on the beaches n go to a rave where everyone is on the same wavelength n i share drugs with girls in the toilets and we swap numbers knowing we will never text each other but its ok bc in that moment we feel like we are soulmates and everyone is super drunk n touching everyone else n its all very visceral and we walk through the woods when the rave ends and lie in the grass because we wish to suck out all the marrow of life

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — princess diana was murdered

ARE ALIENS REAL? — maybe the real aliens are the friends we made along the way

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — love island game im addicted and way too invested in my fictional relationship with bobby, a cartoon

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — bold of u to assume i remember my childhood. but if we’re talking last 10 years angust, thongs n perfect snogging is so so cringe

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — pairs of glasses belonging to other ppl when they break / get new ones even though i can see perfectly well.

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — mythology...... always a craving and a wish i’d read like ancient texts but my school wasn’t good enough to do greek or latin or any of that shit n even tho i could read english translations i cant be bothered. also criminal psychology

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian, french and latin

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — ladybird, about time, angus thongs, shrek 2, what we do in the shadows, the history boys, atonement, coraline, the breakfast club, ferris bueller’s day off

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — cecilia lisbon. rue in euphoria. alison brie in glow. adam parrish in the raven cycle. richard papen. olivia cooke’s character in thoroughbreds. allen ginsberg in kill your darlings. lily in sex education. holliday grainger’s character in the film animals --- i too am an aspiring writer who never writes and just gets drunk instead .

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no. cba

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — i go to the movies basically every day bcos i work in a cinema. im also a voracious reader n i occasionally do theatre or costume making

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — where the wild things are (film by spike jonze). animals. beats. the book fen by daisy johnson and a girl is a half formed thing by eimar mcbride. andy warhol’s biography from a to b and back again

WHOSE BRAIN WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK, ALIVE OR DEAD? — phoebe waller-bridge on how i get her life. carey mulligan on how she got to be such a good actress n how i can become her. maybs wes anderson. maybs gillian flynn. i tend to listen to podcasts w the ppl i really wanna pick the brains of.

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? — edward :/

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — blinded by the light n i lovd it

DO YOU STILL READ? — when i finished uni i kinda got out of the habit but this week i finished two books so ive set myself the challenge of a book a week.

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — i finished song of achilles yesterday n i also finished call me by your name yesterday. started circe by madeline miller today, im also partway through milkman by anna burns and the plays of annie barker

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 3 i didnt hate it bcos at heart i am self-indulgent and love fashioning some sense of self when i feel lost in a world that is scary and constantly changing

#wshedtask002

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lowkeysebastianstan · 5 years

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hey there. I totally get your frustration with endgame and the ending. I wasn't happy and I'm not happy how half the fandom tells me/us how we have to look at it. how we have to accept it. how the actors are happy with it and so should we. how the writers/producers - okay, I'm gonna leave them out of this seeing neither of them have any idea what they have done in the first place. after all they disagree on everything in every interview since the release. and isn't that funny? (1/?)

how even they are not on one side with the movie? what I despise most right now when it comes to this movie and this fandom is how we are treated. how we should tag our “hate” - which I think is funny since I didn’t hate the movie entirely. I hated pieces of it, like I did with past movies. I never liked doctor strange and even back then people were allowed to mention how casting cumberbatch for the part wasn’t the smartest idea they had. (2/?)

people want us to be happy with an ending that doesn’t make sense to us and they appreciate and are “allowed” to shove down our throats with their happy posts about a perfect ending. how is taking tony’s life after he finally married pepper and got a daughter is perfect? how is sending steve back to peggy after they did everything in their power to convince us he moved on from his past life…how is that perfect? (3/?)

you can probably tell I’m bitter. I really am. there’s not a day that goes by I’m not frustrated with what we got after ten years and 22 movies. however, I thought to myself what would it give me to cling on to this on my blog. would it change anything? I do know I’m not alone. I see so many people agreeing with this anger and it gives me some sort of peace. at the end of the day, though, it’s also important to see what it gives to you. (4/?)

talking to one of my closest friends about it and voicing my frustration with the end helps me more than keep posting about it. because in the end it won’t change a thing. the longer I surround myself with the frustration and anger and everything that comes with this not being what I had hoped for the more it pushes me from the fandom. of course everyone do as they please and I get people who want to get it out of their system. (5/?)

but maybe sitting down and look at what the constant repeating will give you in the end, realizing where it might end, could help finding some kind of peace for you. I’d hope for you to enjoy the parts of the fandom that still apply to you. I really like your blog and you as a person and I’d hate to see one of my fave people on this site to leave (I lost count, but this is the last)

whew! hi right back, that was quite something.

i feel ive answered this ask before, was that also you?

i mean, yeah. i know im not alone, i do. i see some of it on my dash, but not a lot, since ive had to block every marvel related tag just to keep from indulging in some light murder (just gentle ones, not to worry), and i really cannot fathom why ppl on the other side of the isle can’t do the same? or if you’re getting tired of the negativity? blacklist. or unfollow, block even.

as ive said a few times lately, ive been here 6 years. and this is the first time ive aired my frustration in any noticeable way. sure there’s been a few occasions where i got the salt shaker out, but that was in relation to much more limited subjects, and it was a post or two at the most.

ive been frustrated with previous movies too, but ive kept my trap shut, ive just gone on, kept my queue stocked, giffed the rare set and hid behind pretty solid content, no drama, not personality, no engagement.

and it’s not too bad, to just be anonymous, to look at the pretty, spread the pretty, do the occasional tag rant, and let that be it.

but.

when i came back after a long hiatus last autumn i started writing again. i posted a psa where i apologised for the fact that i would reblog my writing on this blog, i informed what tags i was gonna use, and for the first time i actually checked my follower count before and after. i lost 20 followers the first day. for posting writing. my writing. that was tagged to a ridiculous degree. and i saw a fair few more disappear before the exodus, and idk. i made me realise a thing or two.

one, people like my blog and the content i post

two, they’re only here for that content

three, to have a strictly themed blog will limit you horribly

four, my followers in general don’t give a shit about me, only about the content i post, which fair enough

five, i care about that, even if i don’t care about the follower count as such, i do care that the ones i have actually like me

six, which is completely absurd bc none of them knows me at all, i never show myself

but that was then. this is now. and the last weeks has made me realise the most important thing of all, i dont care any more. why the fuck should i? when my showing any kind of negativity about something that i did care a whole lot about but i no longer have?

endgame might have killed all my enthusiasm for the mcu, and it fucking hurts. it’s been a staple in my life for years, ive invested my time, my creativity, my love and my goddamn money, and ive got jack shit to show for it. i have a blog that i used to love, but is becoming alien to me, and that hurts too. ive invested a lot in this blog too, after i deleted a few of my other blogs a couple of years back, this is by far my biggest one. and im torn tbh.

do i want to leave it? no, i don’t. can i go back? honestly? i doubt it. if my love for the mcu is gone, well so is bucky. and lets be real, a sebastian stan blog with no bucky? i cannot really see it, can you?

but hey. ill make you a deal, all of you. ill ease up on the memes, i won’t stop bc i have a few scheduled, you guys blacklist or unfollow if you dont want to see them, and ill see about sprinkling in some sebastian content if i can find any i deem worth it.

also i don’t have any close irl friends to air my frustrations with, everyone here loved this crap, and that’s not really the discourse im looking for. but im happy for you, it sounds nice :)

hope you’re having a great day!

eta: i won’t leave btw. not unless the porn hub thing comes into fruition. just so you know, and if anyone cares. just sayin.

eta2: also? the fact that i, or we, are complaining and being pissed at the movie, but the opposition are attacking us for doing that? instead of, again, fucking blacklist and leave us the fuck alone? yeah, doesn’t help with the bitter. if y’all are so threatened by our arguments, maybe you should reevaluate your own, seems you’re trying a bit too hard there. i don’t want to take enjoyment from anyone, i envy you too much for that, but ffs, just leave me the fuck alone to deal with it. (that’s not @ you, that’s to them)

eta3: and thank you for saying im someone you like. but see? ive been trolling you all, im terrible. and i expect you don’t like me as much now anyways. but thank you, it was nice to hear nevertheless.

#anon #ask #answered #anti endgame #see? i still tag it ffs #long post #so so long #hey i get it #the positivity is killing me #i get where you're coming from #but it's getting a bit tiresome to have people just come in and tell me to get over it #no matter how well you mean it #im sorry that i cant just snap and make half my feelings go away #y'know bc that would take away any good ones too #good greif infinity war kinda sucks too doesn't it #wow

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