#this has lived in my drafts for too long (aka a week) time to be free

[strayklds]

ODDINARY MUSIC VIDEOS + MOST REPLAYED SECTIONS

[fumifooms]

Do you know about the Marchil h-doujin, just called "Marchil Meshi"? (Dunno wether you're comfortable about adult content regarding the ship. If not, sorry and feel free to ignore).

Imagine my surprise… When a few months ago, I was looking up places to buy doujins for dunmeshi online bc of that new-ish laimar (sfw) doujin and I find, many many nsfw ones bUT AMONGST THE HORDE… MARCHIL MESHI. I ate it up. It’s a lil iconic to me ngl, I quote it in my head sometimes. Marcille angrily gesturing always gets me cackling. It honestly has no business being this good, it was made pretty early on in the story so many years ago, and STILL! So in character, and honestly so funny, AND no weird business either. Like listen, I scour the internet, looking for any marchil content, any marchil content at all… And find a dry af desert, no life here, literally jackshit nothing. Only Pixiv has some afaik but the nsfw is def… Hm. 😔 (2 fics tagged chirumaru on there btw!! That aren’t mine lol) Thank you marchil meshi author if I had to pick 1 piece of marchil nsfw to exist I’d choose this one (honestly that’s already so close to reality lol) Thank u Asaki Takayuki I owe u my life. I like zines but I’ve never bought doujins before so it didn’t cross my mind, but dunmeshi is taking a lot of my first times in fandom engagement and I bought said laimar doujin just the other day hehe 

I do want to keep my blog generally sfw but yes I’m 100% cheering on nsfw marchil content from the shadows, glad that ao3’s finally getting some too. I hope that fic writer makes more… Tallman Chil is so so good but I hope they also do some more general premises, which the end notes on that one do make me hopeful 👀 I want more marchil writers in general. More marchil fanartists. Sfw nsfw idk I need to be fed 😭 (<- This post was drafted before that new marchil smut fic WOOHOO. So much new marchil content this week!!)

Oh while I’m here, I find this so funny/odd, but in japanese fandom ship names are simply the beginning of each name smushed together, like marchil or chilmar. The order of the names is that the first one is the "top"… Idk how jp fandoms live without switches but aight, but in m/f ships this means that typically the man is the first half of the ship name right. WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT marchil is so much more used than chilmar lmaoo. Even more stats: On Pixiv, the tag marchil had all the artworks, but the chilmar tag had all the fics. Ain’t that wack to think about. Anyways marchil or chilmar idc you go guys

Sighh thinking about them. They are so "I beg your pardon??!" "Then beg", "Fuck you!" "Fuck me yourself you coward"… Forget stamens and pistils, Chil is the cursed "You see, there are keys and there are locks…"

More under cut since I don’t get to talk about this often, screenshots and hcs for horny time

^ said panel that lives rent free in my head and makes me giggle. I wish I’d just put the whole page here it’s my fave but nahh go find it yourself

Why are they like this. Like what is thatttt

I need to stop collecting these I’m making myself feel insane (thank you fic writer for that last one I’d never noticed but omg)

Alright hc time what was I gonna talk about… Ah yes ah yes. I def think Chil is a pest, he’s horny and he wants sex and is flagrant about it, but also we know that he stayed faithful for 4 years without getting any, I feel like realistically the relationship sex wise would 100% be on Marcille’s pace. And this is the fun part, bc would Marcille be very eager? Would she want to do the romance book correct™️ route and that means no tapping until marriage, or he needs to court her all princely first? I hc that elves have a much lower libido than humans because of the whole long af lifespan thing, it’d be kinda funny if Marcille was like "Let’s take things slow… 🥺" aka first base achieved after two years of being together lol

But seee that’s the thing too bc Marcille is so afraid of loss she might rush through things as well, she very well could like, jump on him right after confessing. Is Chilchuck kind of a shithead or is he very gentlemanly and romantic, wanting to do it right and treat her well? They are such a blank canvas of sexual chemistry listen LISTENNN there are just so so many ways you can go with them they are so special. God the banter… They cannot stop bantering for a second I swear So many kinks they could fit… I like uhh praise kink for him and for her… Idk she just really loves him and the emotional adoration is what’s at the core of her enjoying it all so like, loving Chilchuck kink, which turns out those two really match together 🫶 He makes her sing and ummm um you see where this goes. They are so grossly in love and into each other

They are so domestic. I hate them

[deamsgirl]

Current WIPs and Drafts

So, I got the idea to organize and list out my current WIPs and drafts by @lmaoirrelevant's recent post in the hopes that it will jumpstart the creative juices for some of them. And because I have an obscene amount of drafts, apparently, and they need constant wrangling. If you'd like, you can let me know if there are any projects on the list that you really want to see updated/finished! It might give me extra motivation to just buckle down and work through it. A big thanks to @lmaoirrelevant for letting me borrow the idea! If you haven't read any of their fabulous fics, you should go remedy that ASAP! They're wonderful!

This one is literally just for my pokemon fic because I have so much of it. I may do a separate one for my other fandoms or section this out later.

Currently Posted WIPs:

Entropy – Goh/Ash/Gary, Red/Blue. Goh is sucked into another alternate dimension, except this one is so different from his own dimension that it’s unnerving. Like how one of his husbands doesn’t seem to know him at all and the other has supposedly been dead for over a decade. Thanks a lot, Palkia.

Brush Off that (Cold) Shoulder – Goh/Gary/Ash. The one where Goh has an ill-advised drunken tryst with Gary Oak—the jackass professor who just brutally shot down Goh’s request for an internship at Oak Laboratory. Oh, and the adorably earnest guy who keeps insisting on making Goh breakfast the morning after? He’s none other than Gary’s famous Pokemon Champion husband, Ash Ketchum. Goh is… understandably confused. And never trusting Dawn or her stupidly-strong cocktails ever again.

Pandarus – Goh/Gary/Ash. Ash and Goh have always worried about Gary's apparent disinterest in dating. With their own wedding just weeks away, they decide to help their long-time friend find his special someone too. Honestly, they don't understand why Gary's so pissed about it. Or why their other friends keep calling them assholes. AKA the one where Gary's been pining after his two dumbass friends for years and Ash and Goh are way more oblivious than anyone thinks.

Ribbons and Arrows – Goh/Gary/Ash. Chloe’s Eevee evolves into a sylveon, whose powers supposedly include knowing when and with whom someone is in love. The problem is, Goh would rather it not broadcast to the whole world that he’s stupidly, hopelessly in love with his two best friends.

Misty’s Toll-Free Hotline for Pining Gay Idiots – Ash/Gary. In which Misty unwittingly becomes Gary’s emotional support person regarding his big gay crush on Ash, and she’s honestly kind of fed up with them both.

Currently in My Drafts:

Regency AU – Ash/Gary. Lord Gary has a mountain of expectations to live up to. He’s to inherit his grandfather's dukedom, marry a woman of proper birth, and produce an heir. Too bad he’s falling hopelessly in love with his stableman, Ash.

Vampire AU – Ash/Gary. Gary comes from a long line of vampire hunters. Ruthless and efficient, he’s never let a mark get away. That is, until he’s tasked with taking down Ash—a seeming walking disaster of an undead that Gary is trying very hard to not find endearing.

Truth Serum – Ash/Gary/Goh. Gary is hit by a blast of psychic energy and suffers a rather… unique side effect. Namely, that he can’t stop telling the truth. Which is… totally fine. It’s not like he’s harboring any deep, dark secrets, like being hopelessly in love with his two best friends. …Right?

Distraction – Misty/May. It’s hard to have a secret crush on someone who spends 90% of their time in a bikini. Or, May has Feelings or something, and Misty obliviously makes her life incredibly difficult.

Pokemon AU Part 3 – Ash/Gary. AtLA. No one expects Ash—Oak’s worst student (who is weirdly prone to accidentally electrocuting people)—to be the Avatar. Unfortunately, a heated spar with his insufferable classmate Gary blows his cover rather spectacularly.

Ghost AU – Red/Blue. Red is the stone-faced ghost haunting Blue's new apartment. But he's only, like, concerned with reminding Blue to goddamn eat once in a while (something with vitamins, preferably). Blue keeps finding snacks on his person that he knows he didn't put there. He's not amused once he figures out who is doing it.

Kidfic 1 – Ash/Gary. Ash regularly comes home with all sorts of strays. Gary just never expected him to turn up with an actual, human baby.

Kidfic 2 – Ash/Gary/Goh. Elana Ketchum-Oak and her three embarrassing dads. And don’t get her started on her legion of (equally embarrassing) aunts and uncles. Although, she supposes Uncle Tracey isn’t too terrible (just don’t tell Papa).

Handmade – Blue/Red. No one knows that Blue only wears necklaces because Red keeps making them for him.

Rebound – Ethan/Silver. Somehow, Silver becomes Ethan’s go-to Emotional Support Rival to comfort him through his pile of failed relationships. Silver’s annoyed, because he’s busy and doesn’t have time for Ethan’s sentimentality and absolutely no other reason, stop making assumptions, Blue.

Pokemon Masters ficlet – Blue/Red. Ash and Red both seem to realize that they’re alternate versions of each other—a fact that they’re determined to keep under wraps. Too bad they’re forgetting about Blue’s uncanny ability to recognize Red (a talent that apparently extends to Reds from other dimensions as well). Now, if he could just figure out why Ash keeps calling him Gary, of all things…

Rivalry Sequel – Ash/Gary/Goh. The grad students at the Vermillion Institute finally get to go on their first research expedition, and with Professors Oak and Albright as the leads. Unfortunately for them, they realize all too quickly why everyone keeps gifting them ear plugs.

Sickness – Ash/Gary/Goh. Gary gets sick while Ash is away, leaving Goh to keep an eye on him. AKA Gary doesn’t deal well with idleness, and Goh is saddled with the worst patient ever.

Proposal – Red/Blue. The tale of the night Blue proposes. Irredeemable fluff and nothing more.

“The Way Men Love” – Ash/Gary. After his parents’ death, little Gary Oak decides that he’ll never be helpless to keep someone he loves safe ever again. And then he meets Ash, who attracts trouble like a damn magnet, and realizes that sometimes the only way to protect someone is to make sure they’re strong enough to protect themselves.

Cuddling – Silver/Ethan. Ethan has no concept of personal space—a fact that is slowly but surely driving Silver insane.

21st – Ash/Gary/Goh. Gary is tasked with picking up Goh from the bar when the latter drinks too much on his 21st birthday. He assumes he’s the absolute last person Goh wants to see on his birthday (judging by his usual reactions to Gary’s presence), so he’s more than a little surprised with how excited Goh is when he shows up.

Couch – Red/Blue/Ethan. Ethan thinks Red and Blue’s couch is intolerably uncomfortable, but their only solution seems to be dragging him into their bed every time he visits, which Ethan is, like, 90% sure is Really Weird (even if he kind of likes it).

In a Hole – Red/Blue. Blue and Red get stuck in a literal hole in the ground. They have plenty of time to work out their feelings for each other while they wait for someone to rescue them. Too bad they’re both emotionally constipated idiots.

72 Hours – Ash/Gary/Goh. When someone attacks Oak Laboratory, Gary gets trapped in the collapsed building. His only hope for survival is waiting for someone to rescue him. Except he was supposed to be on his way to a conference in Sinnoh, not indulging an Ash mega-fan with her first pokemon, so there's a good chance no one will even realize he’s missing until it’s too late. Add in the fact that whoever attacked the lab is going on a deliberate spree of targeting other research facilities, and his odds look even bleaker. But, if there’s one thing Gary’s good at, it’s surviving.

Homing Beacon – Silver/Ethan. Ethan always seems to know where Silver is. Because they’re rivals, obviously. It’s not like he’s stalking him or anything (Silver disagrees).

Surrogate Dad – Silver/Ethan, Red/Blue. An annoying joke about Blue being Silver’s adoptive dad escalates, because Blue can never do anything halfway. Red is ambivalent about his new parenthood status, and Ethan lives in perpetual fear of Blue’s wrath if he messes up his relationship with Silver. Silver is… well, Silver’s surrounded by idiots, so he’s tired, okay?

Praise – Ash/Gary/Goh. Goh finds out Gary has a bit of a praise kink. He’s pretty sure he shouldn’t be devoting as much time to thinking about it as he is.

Alola – Ash/Gary. Gary’s research takes him to Alola, which would be amazing if not for the fact that Ash apparently talked about him so much during his time there that half the region now thinks they’re dating.

Mt. Silver - Red/Blue/Ethan. Love grows slowly for some people, unnoticed until it’s too late to do anything but give in to it.

Good god, there’s actually more, but I have to sort through them because I have a nasty habit of not naming my Google Docs. So, when I wade through the 500 different “Untitled Document”s, I’ll probably update this.

[pleasetakethis]

A few things:

-the queue is back in action! My drafts are under 3k for the first time in YEARS! This week's goal (that I probably won't meet): get all the 2021 reblog drafts queued up. Get ready for all the pre-NWH Alfred Molina Doc Ock thirst because it's coming in the next 500 posts or so.

-realized when Marvel Trumps Hate auctions went live that Discord is not open on my PC and I can't open it until I deal with space issues. Sigh. Long story, but Dell installed Windows on the wrong HD and I don't feel like jumping through hoops (even though I need to do it bc it's reaching critical) to get my copy of Windows to reinstall on the bigger HD. Space issues (aka cardmaking videos, real life photos) are the reason I had to uninstall PoGo on my phone and I can't install Discord on my phone, either. If anyone has sent me a Discord message, I am going to attempt to deal with the PC stuff and get it back up this week. It's so stupid and I should have dealt with the HD issues when the PC came in, but I put it off. Two years + a zillion Windows updates later, it no longer matters that the only thing on the HD is Windows (and while I know enough about PCs to juggle stuff around and install everything on the secondary HD, I don't know how to deal with Windows being too big for the HD it is on and affecting what I can/can't open). ><

-probably going silent for a few days to deal with the above. Feel free to send me a tumblr message for MTH questions because I will get it before Discord!

[tilions]

oooo all of your WIPs sound so interesting!! I'm restricting myself to only two, so can I ask about xanatos on crèche duty and how it (almost) saved the galaxy and sci-fi cuivienen elves?

Ohhh! These two are fun.

"xanatos on crèche duty and how it (almost) saved the galaxy" is as the title suggests an AU.

I always wondered how one could fix Xanatos without doing too much crazy stuff and all I could come up with after looking after my nieces and nephew for a day was: Babysitting!

Look he doesn't like children, he thinks himself above that, so when he takes advantage of kind strangers on a mission by letting himself be paid for helping them the council puts him on detention and crèche duty. He has, you might have guessed, to watch over a small group of Jedi Initiates and Younglings by the names of Obi-Wan Kenobi, Reeft, Garen Muln, Bant Eerin, Luminara Unduli and Quinlan Vos and help them with their assignments and duties until his Master comes back from a solo mission (which was supposed to be two weeks but it gets longer because we're talking about Qui-Gon here when do things ever go according to plan for him?)

Here are some of my favorite snippets:

1 -

"It will only result in my being stuck here longer, I know," Xanatos sighed. He didn't even possess the energy to get angry anymore, because it was late and the conversation with Master Bhiladan about the rough draft of his essay had completely worn him out. The result? 'A good approach, with many possibilities for improvement’.

The list with suggestions for improvement was almost as long as Xanatos' whole essay.

"The point is for you to develop a sense of responsibility, my young padawan," his master replied. Qui-Gon looked over at him briefly, then glanced at the bag on their dining table in front of him, which so far contained nothing but a spare robe, a few datapads, and other odds and ends which might or might not be useful. Sometimes Xanatos wondered how his master always managed to live on nothing more than a proverbial grain of rice. "Besides, I also think some time with the younglings will do you good. They are like little supernovae in the Force, bright and pure. It's always gratifying to watch them discover the world around them."

"You made the suggestion that I assist Master Dolan, didn't you?"

Qui-Gon was silent, but the thin smile on his lips and the twinkle in his eyes said all Xanatos needed to know.

And he had been so naive, believing his master to be on his side. Urgh.

2 -

"Is it true that the council grounded you?" Reeft blurted out. [...]

"Yes, that's me," Xanatos admitted, not lifting his head from his hands. He had already embarrassed himself now anyway, so there was no point in trying to restore his dignity. "Just don't break any rules on your missions no matter how loose your own master is with them and you won't end up like me."

"But isn't it a master's job to be a role model? And as his Padawan, shouldn't you then do exactly what he sets for you?" asked Luminara, confused. Oh how naive? Had he ever been so in awe of Master Qui-Gon, too?

"Not if the master is Qui-Gon Jinn. Then it's best to just do the exact opposite of what he does," Xanatos replied dryly. That wasn't entirely true, but what were the chances that his master would choose one of these children as his next Padawan?

It only almost saves the galaxy because I have not yet figured out how Xanatos staying good could mess with Palpatine's plan and to be honest I quite like the idea of maybe writing a Fix-it that doesn't fix everything. Maybe some things are better but others stay the same you know?

"sci-fi cuivienen elves" is basically a retelling/reimagining of the awakening of the elf fathers and their wives in an alternative universe.

They (Imin, Iminyë, Tata, Tatië, Enel and Enelyë) were the leaders of a mission to a recently discovered planet that was assumed to be habitable. With them were the other elves aka members of their crew

After their not so smooth landing most of them fell into a deep sleep and when they weakened they basically had no memories and only over time can pierce things together by going through old mission logs.

A mix between fantasy, sci-fi and something like post apocalypse (think botw vibes) with a major focus on rediscovery and solving the secrets of one's own past.

Oromë is the leader of the search party who went looking for the crew once they go missing

The Valar are all probably Aliens of some sort and maybe have been working with the people of the original home planet if the elves? And now feel responsible for losing them? Also they're all pretty eldritch looking because why not

Melkor and his minions are the evils that lurk on this new planet ready to devour the newcomers or they are an intergalactic crime organisation that is staging a civil war im not sure yet… maybe both?

Hm Ungoliant could be that evil thing lurking in the shadows, I'll think about that.

And it will end like it did with Finwë, Ingwë and Elwë taking parts of the crew back home, while parts remain on the planet they discovered because they feel more at home there now.

I have no idea how Elwë and co go missing but idk it happens they chill on a forest moon somewhere. And Elwë gets an alien wife ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Not much in terms of plot it's mostly just vibes

Ask me about my wips!

[an-inbetween-place]

15. This was a going to be a 2 minute high note but ended up being a very enjoyable hour of straight writing

10:03 PM?

A note -- I've been beating myself up for feeling immature and insecure with David but it's because of my lack of a defined relationship (aka commitment) combined with a lack of reaching out (like reaching out and having good, long convos) and seeing each other/making time for each other (we didn't even see each other when he was on break lol) has led me for a long time (since before thailand even) to feel like I'm fighting for him to continue liking me. Didn't I send him that semi nude because I wanted to ensure I still had his interest? I felt like I was losing his interest because he was no longer making me a priority in terms of time and making time. Is that what's making me feel so terrible these last few weeks? The fact that I've been fighting a losing battle with him for his interest? Is this what it always means to be in a relationship? If so, I don't think I can bear it. I have to imagine not though -- that being in a actual relationship with commitment and constant reminders of a person loving you reduces one's insecurities. Potentially not to 0 I suppose. But when will one be able to ever not feel that? I suppose the same question lies with your friendships -- as long as you've made enough of an effort and aren't always an asshole, they cut you some slack and you feel comfortable in trusting that y'all will be in each others lives forever. When did I start feeling that with Deanna and Tina? I suppose that's all it is.. another iteration upon that.

I will say though -- as this draft grows ... I cannot go back. Sitting here and thinking about how I was about to type 'If love means being in this constant state of chasing and ensuring I kept his interest ... I don't know if I want it' is literally a sign in that I cannot go back. I spent the last few months in agony -- waiting for his texts, waiting for our dates.. and how shitty was that feeling? He literally just gave me just enough to keep me hanging... just enough attention at the end of the week to keep me on the line ... just enough conversation a day to keep me invested in him and let me not imagine a life without him. But I always wanted more -- more time to spend together, more conversations to go on... and for so long I feel like the power has been in his court. And that's what led to the last few months to be terrible... just a jumbled up emotional mess who's happiness depends upon when David decides to text me back. Or call me. Or do anything without me first asking for it. And that always made me feel like I was the insecure girlfriend, the one asking for too much from him and the only one who would bend over backwards to accommodate what he needed.

Why was I so touched yesterday when he said 'he would want me to be in his life forever'? I was lowkey shocked when he said that ... which means I wasn't expecting that to be true/wasn't anticipating him saying that cause I didn't think he meant it.

Shouldn't that be something that you should expect someone you're currently dating and want to be currently dating to think? I guess it was the long term-ness about it that shocked me.

That's it really. I am in my love sucks era because right now I cannot imagine love without this desperation.. this insecurity. This constant fighting for his attention and fighting to keep it. Like I must keep fit.. I must say something funny.. I must .. never be mad. I feel terribly embarrassed re: admitting my feelings for him to him .. but why? Because now that he's caught me, there's no more chase in it? But if all there was was the chase.. I think we were past that long ago.

I guess that's it -- I cannot imagine the beautiful aspects of love without associating it to the toxicity of the previous paragraph. If only I had more from him -- more commitment, more verbal and physical affection, more time and energy that shows me he cares ... And the fact that my view on love right now is so ... piss poor I think states why I can't go back.

He's showing me in all the ways that it matters -- in our text convos, in our time (1 in a month?), in our calls (the 15 min hard end) that it's just all not enough. I've been MISERABLE -- my self esteem feels like it's been stomped all over -- hoping that he doesn't move onto some other prettier girl and just hoping I don't lose his interest.. that our current setup won't work.

I don't have enough access to him -- I don't feel okay blowing up his phone and texting him and calling him and I'm trying to play it cool

Why am I trying to play it cool? Why was he making me chase for so long? It's clearly not working so I need to back off.

Keep thinking about how desperate you've been for his attention over the last couple of weeks. It shouldn't be like that. Not for a long time. It feels like when I was pining for Sung. It feels terrible -- like he's always going to be the conventionally hot and muscular guy that everyone in the office like and you're always going to be the fat girl in the class that nice but "just as a friend". And him talking to you is like him being kind and he's secretly embarrassed inside cause he knows you like him but he would never like you. It was the same way with Dennis Kan.

Wow I feel like I really am going to need the time and energy to work through that one. That was quite a nugget uncovered.

I think this time is even worse because David is really like ... not hot. It's embarrassing that I'm fighting so hard over a medium ugly man. But it'a repeating itself! That's why I'm so hesitant to tell him that I like him -- because I think he'll feel bad inside that I like him more than he likes me. Which is what I felt about Spencer -- and I knew all along that it would never move into a relationship for me. I even said so to Deanna multiple times.

So I suppose I should really dig into that -- that I thought Spencer was kinda embarrassing in his ... lack of being hard to get. And now I feel like the Spencer of the relationship -- coupled with all the stereotypes of girls trying to lock men down.

I guess what I'm thinking about ... is that a lot of my past few experiences with dating has left me with feeling very unlovable and with very low self esteem recently. Like I feel like every time I get close to a man ... he never likes me enough to make his girlfriend. I'm just desperate for a boyfriend right now that I'll take anyone that has lasted long enough it seems.

I'm lonely because I feel like everyone's found someone. I'm feeling very unlovable. I don't like that energy at all.

So do I even like David that much or do I simply like having someone around? To call when I'm drunk and let's be honest... horny? I remember doing that a little with Senior Diaz as well -- just liking having someone but for some reason I could cut away with that one. Maybe it was because school consumed me -- there wasn't as much emphasis on dating (at least in my eyes). Ever since I prioritized dating .. it's become much more of a emphasis.

Maybe that's what we need to do. Cut back down the emphasis. You gave it a good two years -- it's time to work back to enjoying what you had without the men.

I think that's the only way forward -- the only way to stop this from running your life and dictating your happiness.

Think of all the things that you didn't really enjoy this last year. The holidays! The first few days in THAILAND!!! Now that's truly a shame and you should be mad at him for that. For ruining your trip to thailand.

And think of the lack of courtesy he showed by also RUINING YOUR TRIP TO SPAIN?! Like .. this man only thinks about himself and what's best for him. And isn't that one of your least favorite things?

Doesn't that show what a good for nothing mfker that guy is? He couldn't even let you enjoy your vacations? Where you felt like there was this umbrella of doom around you?! Isn't that the way you felt yesterday?? You had to lie and pretend to be happy even though you haven't felt at ease or happy/content in your normal day to day life in months. And you felt terrible when you were at home and had to fake it in front of your mom. Or this week when your mom was here.

And what good thing is there about this man that is even worth mourning over. You don't think he's that hot, you don't have good sex with him, he doesn't make you feel special or treat you right. He's never taken me to do the things that I've mentioned that I wanted to do. And I'll always harbor some shame and sadness around that and my wants not being met.

Like was i not good enough to go hiking with?

I let this man make me feel this way and I cannot anymore. He is a nice man and .... whether or not I like him because of him OR if it's because I haven't had anyone else stick around as long or wanted to stick around as long (I guess if I didn't want them to stick around... then that means I was the one that broke it off and thus can't be THAT desperate yet). anyways -- he is a nice man but look at the way he's making me feel about myself.

I need to go back to back when my own life -- just me! -- made me happy.

Truly, I understand now -- you gotta make sure you can just be happy in your own life before you can merge it with anyone else's.

I guess I became codependent on having his interest and affection. And since I haven't been getting enough of it recently ... that's why I've been feeling so terrible.

Clearly it cannot continue. I will find someone that I can do cute couples shit with. It isn't going to be David so if I want to achieve that, I need to move on.

I should get more edibles. TO be fair -- David was right about this ... writing is so easy and touch feels great. We'll save it for our next boyfriend -- there's always a new opportunity out there.

10:57 PM

UPDATE -- WE ARE MAD NOW. WE ARE MAD THAT HE CAN'T EVEN SPARE THE TIME OR ENERGY TO THINK ABOUT US AND WHAT HE'S PUT ME THROUGH UNTIL HIS STUPID PAPER IS DONE. CAN YOU JUST WRITE YOUR PAPER??? YEAH SCHOOL IS HARD BUT IT AINT THAT HARD. FIGURE IT TF OUT. 23 YEAR OLDS CAN DO IT, AND I HAVE NO MORE PITY LEFT FOR YOU. SCRUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dorotharry]

tiny dancer ; chapter one

Pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader, platonic!Steve x fem!reader

Prologue | Chapter 2

Word count: 1.2k+ (sorry its so short)

Warnings: fluff, angst if you squint, mentions of war, let me know if in anyway something upsets you and I’ll add that here. 

Summary: After being drafted for the war in 1942, Bucky goes to the ballet a week before having to leave with his best friend Steve. There he becomes infatuated you with the prima ballerina of the show, and he just has to meet you before his last week in Brooklyn is up. He hopes one day you would meet again; little does it know it will be 72 years later.

A/N: It’s going to take me a bit to develop a smooth story line because there's so much backstory I need add, whilst still trying to make it engaging. Anyway thank you all for the likes and reblogs on the prologue, please let me know what you think of this next part. (Also I know some of this isn’t accurate to the movie and time in general but I think it still works.)

gif not mine*

Present day ; 2014

You looked upon the figure before you, trying to work out if it was who you thought it was.

Like many heroes and villains alike, you had a back story, and times like this called you to look back and dwell on how what was once a kind girl could barely be recognised behind your blank expressionless eyes. You felt nothing. Only numbness, and there was reason for that.

1943

After Bucky had left you kept in contact with Steve, catching up with him every so often. That was until he was finally allowed to join the war, and you bided farewell to your new friend. Hoping that one day you would see them again: sooner rather than later.

Not much long after word got around about Captain America. You could barley  recognise your friend. Though from what you had heard he was still the same Steve, just a lot bigger and stronger. Like many things the ballet company you danced for had to close, most men and women were being sent away, many of colleagues had been sent to aid in the medical units of bases and camps. Part of you waited to receive a piece of paper in the mail informing you that you had to go as well. It never came.

One day though you did receive a letter, but not one you had expected.

“Dear y/n,

As I’m sure you have heard and seen, I’m no longer much like I was when I left. Though I would like to hope I am still the same man I was before ‘Captain America’ – and by that I am appreciative of the few friends I made before as they looked beyond what was displayed on the outside and more towards the inside.

Anyway, I didn’t write to you to boast or ramble on much more, but I have a job offer for you. You are one of the finest dancers I (and Bucky of course) have ever laid eyes on and so as Captain America is supposed to go on tour, I hoped you may want to be one of my back up dancers. I know for a fact that you will steal the show though. 

Most of the girls have already been picked but I called in a favour to ask for you to join as well, I only had to mention you being Prima ballerina and the team were very invested in having you join us.

I’m in town at the moment, but we leave tomorrow. If you’re interested have your bags packed, someone will pick you up at 10am sharp.

I hope to see you tomorrow.

Kind regards,

Your friend Steve”

You gasped as his thoughtfulness, barely having to think over this proposition.

Of course, you would go, not only would you be able to continue what you loved, but you would also be helping the war in some way. It was even better you got to work alongside a friend. Your mind drifted slightly, perhaps you would see Bucky as well.

You ran from your living room and began frantically packing your bags with the essentials, and anything dance related you thought you may need. You weren’t sure what they would be providing.

-       

Just as he’d said, a car picked you up driving you to an airport where you would catch a private ‘stark’ plane with the other dancers. You looked around for your friend, disappointed when you couldn’t see him. 

Reaching up to put your bag above your seat, you heard a voice half whisper excitedly behind you.

“You came!”, This caused you to jump as you whipped your head around. There stood Steve, aka Captain America, aka The star spangled man with a plan. Except this time, he was no longer the small man who was constantly picked on when you had known him. Now he was easily 6 foot as you had to look up to meet your friends smiling face.

“Steve!” you responded, engulfing him in a hug causing him to chuckle. You let go of each other and you raised your eyebrow at him.

“And of course, I came silly!”

Most of the time after that was a blur.

You wore a costume that you were sure was too short for the era, covered in Stars and Stripes. Although it wasn’t ballet it didn’t matter as you’d trained in various genres, although it was much easier than any of the dancing you had done before. You girls were known as The Star Spangled Singers. 

It was great getting to see Steve again and you made great friends with the other women who you worked amongst. Of course, there were always whispers about how you knew Steve, rumours flying around about the two of you. You and Steve knew they weren’t true, your heart belonged to another soldier, one you still hadn’t seen. Steve’s belonged to Peggy which he had told you about early on when you’d joined him.

Steve was such a kind man, and he was always grateful for the life he now lived but you knew he wished to help more rather than stand on stage surrounded by women spreading war propaganda.

The tour was coming to an end for the moment as the war got more intense. Your last trip to the final base of some American soldiers, which you had to admit you were most excited for as you hoped you would see Bucky. He hadn’t been at any of the others. You also knew you would finally meet the wonderful Peggy, both Steve and you were beyond excited.

The plane carrying you girls and Captain America finally landed. Everyone excitedly got off, many ready to see their fathers, brothers and boyfriends whom they hadn’t seen in a very long time. You on the other hand were struggling to find a necklace you owned which had somehow fallen off and you fell behind everyone.

“Y/n! Are you coming?”, yelled Steve leaning in from the planes doorway.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” you replied, “I’ve just lost something, I’ll meet you by the camp!”

Steve nodded and left leaving you there to frantically look for your beloved necklace. A gift from Bucky he had given to you a couple days in from knowing him. It was a dainty silver necklace, with two ballet shoes as the charm, you love it. Not just because it was pointe shoes but because it was from Bucky out fo thoughtfulness.

Finally, you found it after was seemed forever, you carefully placed it in your pocket as the clasp had broken off and you couldn’t put it back on. You grabbed your bag and walked of the plane, turning to your right to head to the camp, seeing Steve in the distance you smiled as you watched him talk to a woman who you knew had to be Peggy. Your eyes wandered next to him as you gasped at who stood there chuckling at something that had been said. Bucky.

That was the last thought you had when suddenly you were overcome by blackness and you dropped to the ground.

Present day ; 2014

You shook your head removing yourself from your thoughts, as you ran after the figure which had caused your mind to spin. He was fast, but so were you.

Everyone had known this man as a ghost, someone who had been around for over 50 years killing innocent people under the name of The Winter Soldier. But even under his face mask, and dark eye makeup he wore. Though you weren’t sure how it was possible; you knew who that really was.  

James Buchanan Barnes.

It seemed you weren’t the only one with a tragic story.

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[bvidzsoo]

Poison (Part 2)

 Author: bvidzsoo

 Warnings: violence, swearing, blood

 Pairing: Kim Mingyu x female reader

 Word count:  18, 095

 Summary:  It seemed like Kim Mingyu’s words were true, once you enter this life style, you can’t just end it. You are forever in the system, forever being watched, even if you were an innocent by-stander. It seems like no matter how much you want to end things with Kim Mingyu, he just keeps pulling you in more and more danger. After all, he’s made it very clear, he wants you.

 A/N:  Oh my God! It’s finally here! Can you believe it?! This beautiful piece of art has been sitting in my drafts half finished for so long that I’m about to cry that’s how happy I am that I finished it. I really hope you will enjoy it and don’t be shy, leave your feedback! I have to say that my Seventeen phase (not me calling it a phase =))) is back real bad this time, so I don’t want to give you false hope, but damn, I have idea for a third part. I’m not saying a third part is coming, but it could come at some point if my writer’s block goes away. Anyways, I’ve said too much already, have fun reading!

     The days after my kidnapping were quiet and uneventful. I would lie if I said I didn’t double check my apartment before leaving it and when arriving at home or checking if I was being followed around. If they kidnapped me so easily in broad daylight, I don’t even want to imagine what other horrific things they could do. And thanks to me being the ever observant person, it didn’t take me long to realize that, in fact, I was being followed around every day. By none other than...Kim Mingyu. Yes, he was everywhere I went. At late evening in the supermarket when I forgot I had no porridge for breakfast and needed it as fast as possible, on a cold morning when I went out for a run and probably froze my lungs because I was stupid, and then the best part...he just had to be there every day at the bookstore. He never entered, only walked by peeking inside, looking like the creepy dude he is. Irene was quick to pick up on it after the third day he went by our window and I tried to lie to her, persuade her into believing that he probably was a new resident in the neighbourhood and was taking walks but no...she kept saying he looked at me and only me every time he passed by the bookstore. So, I ended up telling her only half of the story, leaving out all the gang related things. She was excited to hear about it and kept telling me to go for it but...that’s not a good idea. I should probably stay away from the gang unless I want to get kidnapped again. Yet, Mingyu’s words would sometimes haunt me late at night when I can’t sleep, echoing in my head. There is no way out once you get involved in something like this, is there? 

And yet, my curiosity got the best of me, and one day I couldn’t help it but speak up about it.

“Seungcheol,” I said lowly, turning towards my best friend. He looked up from his notebook, his brows in between a frown and arch.

“I want to meet Seventeen” I said seriously, looking him in the eyes. His eyebrows shot up and he closed his notebook.

“What?” He asked after blinking twice.

“Seventeen” I said again, narrowing my eyes when he just shrugged, “Are you dumb? Don’t play the idiot with me--I will smack you, you know I’m not afraid!”

“What’s a Seventeen though?” He asked, a chuckle leaving his lips. I raised my fist in warning and he scooted backwards, away from my reach.

“Your gang, you idiot!” I snapped after two minutes of silence and of us just staring at each other.

“Oh” He chuckled before he started giggling loudly, making my eyebrows furrow in irritation, “You mean, SVT”

“No, I mean, Seventeen” I snapped, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“Who told you that? No one calls us Seventeen, Y/N” He started laughing loudly when I huffed and rolled my eyes.

“Kim Mingyu! He told me!” I exclaimed, offended, wanting him to shut up already. Maybe I can threaten Seungcheol with Mingyu and Mingyu with Seungcheol, I have these boys at my knees.

“He’s an idiot, he was playing around with you, Y/N” He chuckled when I rolled my eyes and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m serious, Seventeen or SVT, I want to meet the guys. Let me know the name of the guy who pointed a gun at your head” I muttered with a glare while gazing out the window.

“You know if I do that there’s no turning back, right?” Seungcheol turned serious as he scooted closer to me.

“I was already kidnapped once...there was no turning back the second I decided to interfere with your business, Cheol” I said as I looked at him, a reassuring smile resting on my lips.

“It’s better for you to not know much, Y/N. When you know more, you’ll be more exposed to the dangers that come with this life” Seungcheol said with a smile and I leaned my head against his shoulder.

“Do you think someone would believe me if I said I didn’t know anything? Those guys didn’t and yet I was saying the truth…” Seungcheol hummed while I pouted, glancing down at our notebooks. We were just some stupid kids who went to college to study something so that they can work somewhere later. No one would say Seungcheol was in a gang nor that a gang leader followed me around, life really is full of surprises.

“Besides…” I grinned involuntarily before quickly turning serious, “Mingyu keeps following me around”

“What?” Seungcheol exclaimed, sitting up straight as I raised my head and giggled.

“Yeah, he’s been doing it for weeks now...I think I saw Wonwoo too once…” My eyes narrowed as I thought back to the rainy day when the red car was going way too slow for someone who was supposed to circulate on a busy street. “Idiot, Kim Mingyu is an idiot” Seungcheol shock his head with a tired sigh and I kissed his cheek before going back to studying.

So that conversation led to the current situation aka Seungcheol parking in some underground parking lot of a fancy building. It was in the heart of the city, a rather expensive part of the city.

“Is this the headquarters or something…?” I raised my eyebrows at him when he led the way to the elevator.

“Bingo” He sent a wink while pushing a button, top floor. I hummed, looking back at him with my eyebrows furrowed.

“Aren’t you supposed to have run down warehouses as your headquarters?”

“Isn’t that too shady and too obvious?” Seungcheol chuckled when I shook my head.

“We are high class infractors, baby” He winked at me and I rolled my eyes while pretending to gag, “Besides, I’m pretty sure Minghao would leave the gang the second he had to place foot in such place”

“Why...is he the diva or something?” I asked with a chuckle while trying to associate a face with the name. Vernon told me but it was long ago and I forgot. Wait, his name was Vernon, wasn’t it?

“No, Y/N, Seungkwan is the one and only diva” Seungcheol said with a shake of his head.

“What does he do?” I asked just as the elevator stopped.

“Gun trafficking” I hummed with a shrug as the doors opened, the elevator leading into a big hallway with a single double door. Seungcheol led the way and went towards the control panel where he blocked my view to not see the password. I scoffed as the door dinged open and he sent me a cheeky grin. 

The room was different from what I was expecting. The penthouse was definitely turned into an office-like place just darker and...illegal. There was a small lobby where Seungcheol instructed me to take off my long coat before we’d go further inside. The air smelled of lavender and I tried not to show disgust as it was bothering me, I never liked lavender. The floor was all black and the walls a rather dark brown, my heels clicked against the marble floor. To our left there were three doors and a place that looked like a kitchen with a bar. To our right there was an open space which was equipped like a living room and there were stairs that led upstairs to another three rooms. Then to our right, facing our backs was a huge glass door that led inside a huge room. I could see inside, it was full of guys. Probably all from Seventeen as they were lounging around on the couches or playing video games. Seungcheol nudged me with a chuckle and I sent him a glare as he led the way and opened the door for me, it was a sliding door. No one seemed to notice us, suddenly with the open door the room was noisy as people were chatting loudly, some even screaming from one end of the room to the other, while others were laughing loudly. I spotted Wonwoo in the corner of the room, sitting in a chair with a book in his hands, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. How could he read when everything was so chaotic around him?

Seungcheol cleared his throat rather loudly and suddenly the room went quiet. I felt uncomfortable when all twelve eyes set on me, curious and calculating. I straightened my posture and walked inside the room with Seungcheol right behind me as he closed the door. There was a certain smell in the air, light smoke floating around. It didn’t even take more than a second for me to find whom it was coming from. Mingyu was sitting on a sofa next to Wonwoo’s chair, hands resting behind his head and his legs spread so wide it took up more than half of the sofa, and the sofa looked huge. His eyes raked over my body and a smirk crossed his lips, making me scowl at him. The guys looked from me to Mingyu then back at me with curious looks, making me further uncomfortable.

“How about we stop staring at Y/N like she’s some sort of alien, I’m pretty sure we are making her uncomfortable” Vernon was the first one to speak up with a comforting smile, a beanie covered his light blue hair from the eyes of others.

“She’s only here to meet you guys, so don’t even think of anything else--” Seungcheol’s voice turned threatening and I chuckled amused, “I’m talking to you, Jun”

A taller man with his hair, still, slicked back shrugged amused.

“How are you?” I was startled when an arm was draped around my shoulders. I turned my head only to be met with Vernon’s beautiful face. Wow, he’s truly handsome from up close.

“Had better days...if only they’d stop staring” I pretended to whisper to Vernon, rather loudly of course, making a few guys chuckle.

“Well, seems like you’ve never seen a woman before” I said with a shrug, a blonde haired guy, who I saw already once, starting laughing rather loudly, “My name is Oh Y/N, nice to meet you guys”

“Chwe Hansol Vernon” Vernon beside me extended his hand and I shook it with a chuckle, bowing my head a little.

“Nice to meet you, Vernon...again” I said with a smile and Vernon winked at me playfully.

“That’s too much” Seungcheol muttered from beside me and before I could react, his hands gripped my shoulders and I was turned away from Vernon.

“Let’s do the tour then” He said with a sigh, pushing me towards the first person to our left by my shoulders.

“That’s Seokmin, funny person please don’t hang out with him too much, he might try teaching you how to be cute--I’m being very sarcastic right now, Seokmin” Seungcheol was glaring at the widely smiling boy who didn’t seem to mind my best friend’s words. I chuckled and shook his extended hand.

“Nice to me you, Y/N” He said while blinking rapidly, “I’ll make sure to spend lot’s of quality time with you”

I giggled as Seungcheol whirled me away from Seokmin while grunting nonsense from behind.

“That’s Jihoon but most people call him Woozi” I offered a small smile at the short man, his sharp eyes made him look intimidating. He didn’t extend his hand nor said a thing so I just walked past him, Seungcheol still hanging onto my shoulders.

“That’s Jeonghan” He pointed at a guy with his hair in a man bun, wow he’s really handsome, “And that’s Joshua” The man beside him had a fancy look and his smile was warm.

“So...you two are my stalkers, I see…” I said playfully and both cracked some grins, while Joshua bowed his head. Seungcheol pushed me towards the blond haired guy who was smiling so widely his eyes disappeared.

“He’s--”

“Hoshi, Soonyoung. I’m both, call me whichever you prefer” He said in one breath, taking my hand in his before I could even offer it to him. I shook his hand, his grip rather strong for a skinny looking man like him.

“Hoshi means star in--”

“Japanese!” He exclaimed, interrupting me.

“Yeah” I chuckled a little breathlessly, his energy taking me by surprise. He waved at me cutely when Seungcheol pushed me from behind and we passed by Mingyu, who sent a wink at me and I rolled my eyes at him, and Wonwoo, who I waved at and got a nose scrunched smile back. He was the cutest, I can’t believe he’s part of a gang.

“They are Minghao and Jun, I learned my good Chinese from them,” Seungcheol said proudly and I bowed a little. Minghao’s fur coat was gone but his turtleneck looked just as fancy and Jun bit his lip as his eyes ran over my body. I made eye contact with him and made sure he saw my glare, clearly I didn’t appreciate his openly devouring eyes.

“Junhui” I heard Mingyu call out from behind us, still sitting lazily on the sofa. The four of us glanced back at him and he only raised an eyebrow at Jun, making him roll his eyes with a groan before he turned towards Minghao and muttered something to him in chinese. Seungcheol led me away from the two Chinese men and I turned my head towards him.

“What did he say to Minghao?” I asked quietly and Seungcheol just shrugged.

“Probably just cursed Mingyu, he always does that”

“I’m not Mingyu’s property, can he stop acting like it?” I growled, eyes finding Mingyu who was watching us closely. I sent him a harsher glare than the one Jun got before turning around and towards another blonde haired man. He had full cheeks and he looked like another kind and pleasant person. These guys are so misleading with their appearances.

“Hi, I’m Seungkwan.” He was quick to speak up, his head held rather high and lips forming a tiny pout. He looked funny, I almost burst out laughing.

“Nice to meet you, Seungkwan” I shook his hand with a small smile, “I’ve heard great things about you”

��Really?” His demeanor suddenly changed, his face lit up with excitement before he could contain himself, he still willed his expression to go back to being uncaring.

“Of course” I said with a chuckle as Seungcheol and I walked towards the last person I didn’t know from the room. He was sitting on the floor, playing a video game. I already like this guy, he didn’t even bother looking at me.

“Hi, I’m Chan” He nodded towards me once and I smiled at him.

“Y/N, nice to meet you Chan” He hummed with a small smile as he focused on his game.

“Ah, that’s not right,” Jeonghan said with a sigh, holding the bridge of his nose. I raised my eyebrows at Seungcheol, his chin rested against my shoulder, as a grin spread on his lips.

“Since when are you Chan?” Jeonghan continued and Chan groaned, eyebrows furrowing.

“I told you to stop!” He whined loudly, making Joshua and Jeonghan chuckle to themselves.

“Who’s baby are you, Dino?” My eyebrows furrowed as I looked questioningly at Seungcheol.

“He’s the youngest, we call him Dino too but recently he said he doesn’t like the name anymore...I think you can figure now why” I laughed loudly as I placed a hand against my mouth, Jeonghan sent me an appreciative grin.

“I’ll unplug your game--”

“I’m Jeonghan’s baby” Chan was quick to say and Jeonghan hummed, walking over to pat his head.

“He’s so cute I can’t help it” Jeonghan said with a shrug while Chan groaned. I chuckled and Seungcheol, finally, detached himself from me and walked away with Jeonghan, sending a cute wink at me. I sighed and looked around the room, finally everyone went back to what they were doing. Jun and Minghao were in a corner doing something on their phones while talking. Hoshi was listening to music next to Woozi who seemed to be writing. Seokmin joined Chan in playing the video game and Seungkwan was humming to himself while playing on his phone, glancing at me from time to time and sending me judging looks. He looked truly funny. Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Joshua were sitting on bar stools as they quietly spoke between each other. I felt awkward standing in the middle of the room as I contemplated what to do. I could go over to Seungcheol but they seem like they want to be left alone, Mingyu is not even an option, Wonwoo went back to reading and he’s sitting way too close to Mingyu for my liking and--

“So” Vernon. Right, there’s Vernon, who decided to save me from my misery.

“Yes?” I raised an eyebrow at him and he chuckled.

“I don’t think you want to stand around here for longer”

“No, I don’t, you are right--but, I’m not sitting next to Mingyu!” I said quickly, rather loudly as Chan and Seokmin chuckled. 

“You don’t have to, you see that?” He pointed at the empty spot beside Seungkwan on the black sofa, “That’s my sofa”

“Yours?” I raised my eyebrows at him, “Did you buy it or something?”

“No, but I usually sit there” He said with a shrug and I chuckled.

“You are just a bunch of kids, how are you running a gang?” Seungkwan scoffed while I sat down, placing his phone down.

“We are not kids, I bet we are all older than you” He said sassily and Vernon smirked at him as he sat down on the other end of the sofa.

“I bet I tower over half of you” I said with a shrug while I sat next to Seungkwan, an eyebrow arched. Seungkwan scoffed and stood up, sent me a pointed glare before he stalked off to Hoshi and Woozi.

“He doesn’t like me much, does he?” I asked turning towards Vernon.

“He’s a funny guy” He said with a chuckle while he shook his head, “He needs time to adjust to you. Besides, he’s only playing tough, he’s not really...trust me, he’s my closest friend”

“You’ve known each other for long?” I asked curiously, eyes examining the room again. When my eyes fell on Mingyu I narrowed them, wishing he’d stop looking at us. He was directly across from us, in the other corner of the room, and he was watching us closely.

“We grew up together, everyone in this room...I’ve known them for over ten years” Vernon said quietly, his voice holding love and warmness. My eyes widened as I looked back at him, shocked. Seungcheol never bothered to tell me anything about them, scared he’d expose me to more danger.

“That’s a really long time” I breathed out as Vernon smiled at me.

“Yeah, how did you meet Seungcheol? He refused to tell me anything when I asked about you…” Vernon said with an embarrassed chuckle and my eyes widened again.

“You...asked about me?” I grinned when he nodded his head shyly. He looked cute with that beanie and small smile.

“When I moved here, I was looking for a place to stay at and he accidentally spilled his coffee all over me so...that’s when we first met. Then we met at our university and it turns out, before I moved to my current apartment, our flats were next to each other. The Universe really wanted us together” I chuckled and shrugged while Vernon hummed impressed.

“That’s nice, I tend to say...nothing happens without a reason, so…”

“So, I was supposed to meet him in order to meet you guys?” I raised an amused eyebrow and Vernon nodded with a wide grin.

“I still didn’t forget you pointing that gun at my best friend’s head” I raised an eyebrow when Vernon looked away with a frown, “If you’ve known each other for so long...why would you point a gun at his head?”

“We were being watched, no one knew, only Mingyu and I. Our gang is discreet, Y/N, no one from the outside knows anything about us. They don’t know we grew up together, they don’t know our stories...we are invisible to everyone. It’s partly thanks to Jeonghan and Joshua, who are our aces, but we also never make ties with anyone else if it’s possible. We can’t afford to have weaknesses in a world like ours” Vernon explained with a serious expression and I nodded in understanding.

“But then Seungcheol and I--”

“Oh, he hid you really well for five years. We really didn’t know about your existence” Vernon seemed like a genuine guy, honest as he was willing to let me know more about them.

“Well, I didn’t know about you either so I guess he did a good job” I said with a chuckle and Vernon nodded.

“That gang who kidnapped me--”

“Yeah, they were watching us. They probably followed you around after that and gathered all that information about you, which is really dangerous” I frowned but Vernon placed a reassuring hand on my knee, “Don’t worry, Jeonghan took care of it. You are once again invisible to everyone in this world”

“What if it’s too late?” I raised an eyebrow.

“It’s not, we made sure” He smiled at me. Vernon made me feel safe, like an older brother. He gave off the same vibe as Seungcheol. That was the first thing that attracted me towards him, the safety his presence offered me at first and then his personality. Seungcheol and Vernon are good people despite the things they do, which makes it harder for me to understand. Is there even wrong or right?

“Y/N!” Seungcheol called as I looked in his direction, “I hope you had fun but we are leaving”

“So soon?” Vernon asked as he stood up with me.

“Yeah, she’s seen and heard enough, I’m sure” Seungcheol sent a pointed look at Vernon and Wonwoo chuckled as he raised from his seat, placing the book down.

“Hey, I’m not like that,” Vernon said while crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“After spending so much time with Seungkwan…” Wonwoo said as he walked up to us, “There’s no way you aren’t like that”

“Fuck you!” Seungkwan shouted, making most boys laugh. Do they laugh at everything? I looked at Wonwoo with a smile and he sent a wink as he stopped beside me.

“Someone was maybe bothered by your closeness to Vernon” He muttered quietly, so that only I would hear as Vernon and Seungcheol spoke between each other. My eyebrows furrowed as I looked at Wonwoo, but the realization soon hit me. My eyes fell behind him and there was Mingyu, one eyebrow raised. I rolled my eyes and looked back at Wonwoo.

“If he sent you to tell me this, tell him to go and fuck himself” I smiled sweetly at Wonwoo and he chuckled while shaking his head.

“My thoughts, not his” I hummed while narrowing my eyes at Wonwoo who smiled mischievously.

“We are going, Y/N” Seungcheol gripped my arm and I sent him a glare to which he let go of me.

“He was bothered, really? Let’s make him enjoy the show more” I said with an evil grin and Wonwoo looked confused as I leaned closer to him, wrapping my arms around him. Realizing what I did, he returned the hug and chuckled.

“You are playing with fire, be careful not to get burned” He said after we pulled away and I returned the smile.

“Let’s go--”

“Do I not get a hug?” Seungcheol groaned when Vernon stepped between him and I.

“You get one too” I laughed and gave him a quick hug before taking Seungcheol’s hand in mine.

“Let’s go Cheol, before you become too angry” I stuck my tongue out at him as he rolled his eyes and started walking.

“Finally” 

“Bye guys!” I called as I turned around to give them a wave. There was a chorus of ‘goodbye’s’ before Seungcheol closed the sliding door and led us out of the apartment.

“Never doing this again” He muttered and I chuckled as I leaned against the elevator wall. It wasn’t even that bad.

     One month later things didn’t change. Kim Mingyu still followed me around, even after that night I confronted him while going home from the bookstore. I made sure to lure him into an alleyway and snap at him, but he just laughed in my face and said, “Baby, I hold the gun here so you just keep on walking like you are oblivious to it” and like that, I knew I was just wasting my time if I focused on him. However, there’s something positive in every negative aspect and that in this case is my friendship with Vernon. We bonded faster than I thought we would and we found ourselves making movie marathons every Friday. Seungcheol was against it but in the end didn’t have a choice but to accept it. It’s not like I’m replacing him, he is still my best friend but it would be a shame not to spend time with Vernon when we go so well together.

“So how are things with that guy?” One afternoon Irene asked while we were organizing some books.

“Which guy?” I asked absentmindedly as I was trying to find a book.

“Oh my God” She chuckled as she looked at me teasingly, “How many guys are after your ass now?”

“What?” I chuckled as I rolled my eyes, “Zero guys, you know I’m not interested in anyone”

“Three o’clock and fifteen minutes” Irene said loudly as she craned her neck, stepping away from the bookshelf.

“What are you saying?” I laughed, following her actions.

“There he is, your giant who walks by the bookstore every single day at the same time” Irene said with a grin as we watched Mingyu not so subtly glancing inside as he passed in front of the bookstore. I groaned as I went back to organizing the books.

“It’s been two months, Y/N, I’d be scared if I were you but you most certainly know him as you are so calm about it” Irene said as she walked past me.

“Yeah, I know him but I also can’t stand him so it doesn’t matter” I shrugged, placing a book in its place.

“Well he does care apparently--”

“Irene” I interrupted her with a sigh, “Don’t”

“If I wouldn’t know you better Y/N, I’d say you got yourself involved into some kind of trouble and now he is your bodyguard without you wanting him to be” Irene chuckled as I paused and looked at her. If she only knew that she was almost right.

“Yeah, right” I faked a laugh, which definitely sounded fake even to her ears, but my eyebrows furrowed. I’ve never thought of Mingyu like that before. I did indeed get in trouble because of him and well, Seungcheol, but I didn’t think that he might be feeling guilty about it hence why he started acting like my bodyguard. Peaking a bit outside, my eyes settled on the seemingly empty road. Was Mingyu really the bad guy I was making him out to be?

   Irene’s words seemed to have affected me more than necessary and I was prone to speak to Mingyu. I’m not a liar nor an evil person just because I feel like it, yes, I do not like Mingyu but maybe it’s time I give him a chance? I didn’t judge Vernon nor anyone else from SVT. But maybe that was because they didn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth, after all, my first encounter with Mingyu wasn’t a pleasant one. But then--how was the one with Vernon? He threatened to kill my friend. 

I groaned as I leaned back in the seat and stared up at the ceiling.

“Three o’clock and fifteen minutes” I heard Irene faintly from the back of the bookstore. My eyes went outside the windows but there was no one, at least not Mingyu, that passed in front of the bookstore.

“So, did he pass by?” She asked curiously. My eyebrows furrowed as I looked towards where Irene’s voice was coming from.

“No”

“Oh” Irene sounded surprised as she walked back, leaning against the front counter, “But it’s Wednesday and he’s been gone for three days now”

“I know” I rolled my eyes, “You seem more obsessed over this than I am”

“Don’t you think it’s weird?” Irene frowned as she looked at me, “There was rain, strong wind, ice cold weather and he still walked by--but now nothing, and it’s been sunny all week so far”

“Maybe he finally realized how annoying he is and stopped” I grinned at Irene while trying to ignore the worry beginning to take over me, “God finally listened to my prayers”

“You wish,” Irene said with a scoff as she turned around and walked to a sofa and took a book.

He probably has got some business to take care of, he is a gang leader after all. Or maybe he realized he had better things to do, much to my happiness. Before I could think more of it, my phone started ringing. I picked it up with a smile when I saw it was Vernon.

“Hi” I giggled into the phone when he started making weird sounds.

“Is this Oh Y/N?” He asked in a deep raspy voice.

“Well who am I talking to?” I asked amused as I could hear a quiet snort in the background.

“Be quiet Soonyoung!” Vernon hissed quietly before clearing his throat, “I’m Hansol, Vernon’s twin brother”

“Oh, he never told me had a twin brother,” I said amused, leaning back in my chair.

“Whatever, doing this voice is hurting my vocal chords” I snorted at Vernon’s words.

“So what’s up?” I asked with a smile while playing with my pen.

“I was bored and decided to give you a call” 

“Well good, because I am bored too”

“What about we grab dinner tonight?” Vernon asked in a light tone and I hummed as my eyes went once again outside the windows.

“Sounds great, can Seungcheol come with us?” I knew Seungcheol would get petty about not being invited so...I had no choice.

“Yeah, he told me to actually ask you out…” Vernon’s voice turned quieter, “He just wants a free meal”

I scoffed and laughed as I rolled my eyes, “That sounds like Seungcheol, but I have a better idea!”

“I’m all ears,” Vernon said with a chuckle.

“Let’s invite him and before we could pay for it, leave him there. He either pays or washes the dishes, his choice” Vernon started laughing as I grinned to myself, still playing with my pen.

“I like how that sounds” I hummed as my eyes wandered towards the windows once again. Stop it Y/N!

“Vernon, I have a question…” I trailed off as my eyes wandered to Irene. She was reading, eyebrows furrowed as she was probably concentrating, she shouldn’t hear what I’m saying.

“I’ve been wondering just, you know...how Mingyu follows me around and stuff…” I trailed off as I thought how to formulate my question to sound casual.

“Yeah, everyone knows that” Vernon chuckled, “He’s pretty freaky, huh?”

“Yeah” I snorted as I bit my lower lip, “You know...I haven’t seen him this week so far, maybe he’s--”

“You haven’t?” Vernon’s voice wasn’t surprised, it was more happy, “I can pick you up then from the bookstore tonight!”

“Amazing, yeah” My eyebrows furrowed at the lack of worry in his voice, “Where’s Mingyu though?”

I decided to just blurt it out, better than kicking around the bush. Vernon was quiet and even Irene looked at me. What? Was it that weird that I asked about him? Okay, fine, I confess! Thanks to Irene’s words I became worried!

“Honestly…” Vernon trailed off before clearing his throat, “We don’t know”

“What? And you aren’t worried?” My eyebrows furrowed as I sat up straight in the chair.

“Not really, he does that from time to time” Vernon replied casually and I frowned.

“Well if you aren’t worried...anyways, see you tonight” I cleared my throat and Vernon chuckled before biding me goodbye.

I placed my phone on the table and sighed loudly.

“Not worried, huh?” Irene said loudly as the door opened and signaled a customer. My head snapped in her direction as I threw her a warning glare. She’s lucky we have a customer and I can’t curse her.

   A week passed by and there was no Kim Mingyu. It felt oddly irritating. I got so used to having him in my shadow that now, wherever I went, I kept glancing behind my back, anxious all the time. I didn’t even realize how safe he made me feel by following me around. And then there was the worry I felt for him, what if something happened to him? Vernon said last week he doesn’t know where he is, no one in fact from SVT knows where he is. What if he got injured? What if someone killed him? What if he just went to visit his family? Girlfriend?

I frowned at my last thought as it didn’t sit well with me. Wouldn’t his girlfriend be bothered knowing that his boyfriend was following around another girl? Because it most certainly wouldn’t make me happy to hear.

“Are you even listening to me?” Irene slammed her hands on the front desk and I jumped.

“Sorry, I’m just studying and didn’t hear you…” I muttered as I glanced down at my notebook, which was long forgotten as I was lost in my thoughts.

“Right” Irene narrowed her eyes at me and I only smiled sweetly, “Anyways, I was saying I’d be thankful if you came and helped me unload the box of new books, it’s really heavy”

I huffed as I closed my notebook and rose from the chair, “Coming, stop whining now”

Irene chuckled and started walking to the back as I left the front counter, however, the door opened signaling a new customer. Irene glanced back at me and nodded as I turned around to go back and greet the person.

“Hello, welcome to--” The words caught in my throat when I locked eyes with the giant. His hair was black and in a normal haircut, short bangs framing his forehead. His flaming and wild red hair was gone. It looked weird, he looked weird. I was used to seeing him with that wild look, he looked dangerous and mysterious...now, he kinda looked normal. As normal as a giant can look.

“Mingyu?!” I asked stunned as I took in his body, his shoulders were, unlikely to him, slouched.

“Hello, sugar” Mingyu’s lips pulled up in a smirk, “Missed me?”

I opened my mouth to snap back at him but something felt off. It looked as if he was in pain, the smirk wasn’t sincere like every other time, it looked painful.

“Where were you?” I narrowed my eyes as I walked closer to him. He chuckled amused and leaned down a bit as I caught his wince this time.

“Worried about me already, sugar? Wait until our wedding day at least--”

“I swear to God, Mingyu, if you don’t stop with that bullshit I’ll cut off your balls before you can say wedding day again!” I snapped, ears red as I stared at an amused Mingyu. Every single day, and I mean that, he told me something connected to our wedding day. When I bought milk, when I walked down the street, when I went and shopped for flowers...he always found something he could connect to our ‘wedding day’.

“But come on, sugar” He chuckled taking a step closer, “Soon you’ll be all mine, my beautiful wife--”

With a hiss I punched his stomach, making him double over. Something was definitely wrong as I watched Mingyu inhale sharply and his face twisted into an angry expression. There’s no way in hell my punch was strong enough to make him double over. Mingyu is not fine.

“Look at me” I demanded lowly as I stepped closer to him. Mingyu’s eyes found mine and before he could say a thing I grabbed his jaw and yanked him closer to me. His eyes widened in shock as he was not expecting something like that from me. My eyes ran over his seemingly perfect face until I found the smallest cut in the corner of his lips. I made eye contact with him and the playful and teasing Mingyu was gone as he gazed at me seriously. I felt captivated by his dark eyes and suddenly I realized just how close our faces were to each other, I could feel his breath fanning my nose. I gulped and continued to gaze into his eyes as if trying to find something in there, something he was hiding.

“Did the customer--Oh my God!” That was the loudest I’ve ever heard Irene speaking, and that was saying a lot. I quickly let go of Mingyu and stepped back as he straightened himself, wincing quite visibly.

“Hello” Irene said with a sweet smile, tucking a strand hair behind her ear, “I’m Irene, Y/N’s co-worker”

“Mingyu” He nodded towards Irene with an amused smile as he kept glancing between the two of us. Irene threw me a smirk and I widened my eyes in warning before turning back to Mingyu.

“Come with me” I muttered as I turned to walk by Irene, leading the way to the back where the bathroom was.

“There’s condoms in the cabinet underneath the sink” Irene whispered as I passed by her and I abruptly stopped walking, making Mingyu run into me from behind.

“What?!” I exclaimed loudly, wide eyes staring at an amused Irene.

“Go on now” She chuckled, pushing us away, “Don’t take too long though”

I made sure to throw a killer glare at her as I continued on leading the way to the bathroom. Mingyu chuckled but remained silent for the rest of our walk as he gazed around. I opened the door and let him enter first before turning on the lights.

“Irene is really funny” Mingyu chuckled as I closed the door behind me, “I already like her”

“I’m going to murder her” I snapped as I looked up at an amused looking Mingyu.

“Careful, sugar, you out of all know the weight of those words” He pointed a finger at me and I swatted it away.

“Sit down and strip” I demanded, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“Oh” Mingyu’s eyes went wide before a smirk crossed his lips once again, “I like it when girls are so straightforward--”

“Mingyu--” I took a deep breath as I stepped closer, “Just stop it and take off your coat and shirt”

His eyes narrowed at me but when I wouldn’t stop glaring at him he sighed and carefully took off his coat. I watched as he winced and took a sharp breath once his coat was off. He looked at me as if he was done but I only raised my eyebrows and he undid the buttons of his shirt slowly. When it was off, my eyes widened at Mingyu’s torso. His ribs were purple and blue and there was a big gash starting from his left collarbone and stopping right where his heart was.

“Oh my God!” I gasped, eyes wide as I closed the distance between us, “What-what happened, I--”

“Nothing serious!” Mingyu shrugged as he sat on the toilet lid.

“Kim Mingyu!” I snapped, before leaning closer to inspect the big cut. It didn’t look deep, thank God, but it did look painful as hell.

“Okay” He rolled his eyes as I went to take a clean rag from the cabinet and some disinfectant, “I had to attend some meetings last week, out of town of course, and I got in a fight today before returning”

“This is what you call a fight?” I exclaimed annoyed as I started cleaning the big cut. Mingyu hissed and gripped my wrist tightly, halting my movements.

“That fucking stings” He snapped, eyebrows furrowed as he pushed away my hand from his chest.

“Well you can fucking die if it gets infected, so let me do my job” I snapped back with a glare and after a second of silence he let go of my wrist, quite reluctantly might I add. 

“Last time Jeonghan and Joshua checked--” I scoffed and rolled my eyes as Mingyu just waited for me to finish my dramatic reaction before continuing, “you weren’t a nurse”

“Still am not, but I know what to do. My father would get in fights with random people on the street and I always treated his wounds” I muttered quietly, trying to be careful while cleaning the cut. 

“No wonder you’re such a violent lady” Mingyu muttered more to himself and an amused smile appeared on my lips.

“Violent lady?” He made eye contact with me and nodded.

“Indeed, violent lady you are, sugar” I rolled my eyes but couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. Before the silence could engulf us and make me feel awkward, since I am pretty much standing in front of a half naked Mingyu...with a huge cut and bruised ribs and well, I’m also touching that chest...anyways. I cleared my throat and focused on cleaning the lower part of the wound.

“Vernon told me that they didn’t know where you were and then I--”

“Vernon?!” Mingyu exclaimed, gripping my wrist once again tightly. I looked at him with my eyebrows raised.

“Yes, Vernon”

“Vernon Hansol Chwe?” 

“Yes, Vernon Hansol Chwe” I watched as Mingyu scoffed and let go of my wrist with a shove, “You’ve got a problem with that?”

“I--” Mingyu’s voice was rather high pitched as he looked me in the eyes, but stopped himself before saying anything else. I raised my eyebrows expectantly but he just took my wrist and placed my hand holding the rag against his chest, “You just clean this mess up and shut up, I have a headache”

“Of course, you are very welcome Mingyu” I said sarcastically as I finished up his cut. He couldn’t even be grateful after I cleaned the big ass cut from his chest, without having even any obligations to do it. The things I started doing for Kim Mingyu…

      Things returned to normal, much to my dismay. Mingyu was healthy again after a week and he took that as an invitation to enter the bookstore every time he passed by now. Irene and him quickly connected and I didn’t know how to feel about that. They both would be throwing me teasing looks when the other wasn’t looking and I would just glare back. Sometime last week Mingyu even started bringing us food, even though I told him many times that I didn’t want to eat on his money. Of course he reassured me that he has lots of it and that it shouldn’t worry me, as if that was even the cause in the first place. But I couldn’t fight back, I realized, Kim Mingyu always got what he wanted. Even if I opposed him all the time and gave him a hard time, he still somehow got what he wanted. And that is very infuriating.

That is why instead of studying for my next exam, I was staring at the wall with my eyebrows furrowed. I couldn’t stop thinking about how two days ago he tricked me into having dinner with him. I closed up the bookstore later than usual as we had inventory to do and he offered to drive me home. Any other time I would have declined his offer, but it was pouring hard outside, I had no umbrella and I was tired...and I didn’t want to call Seungcheol as he was busy with some mysterious plans SVT had. So I accepted his offer, a mistake, I realized once I saw him driving in the opposite direction of my neighborhood and towards the most expensive part of town. I was pissed and I still am actually. I groaned as I ruffled my bangs and threw my notebook off my lap, just for my front door to be kicked open. My heart jumped in my chest and picked up its peaceful rhythm as I thought someone broke in to kidnap me again. I was looking around my living room for anything that I could use as a weapon when I heard the familiar voice of Seungcheol.

“I said no!” He shouted in the hallway and my eyebrows furrowed. Before I could go see what was happening, Seungcheol was already storming inside my living room. His eyes found mine and I realized he was really angry. I walked closer to him to ask what was wrong when a throat was cleared in the doorway. My eyebrows furrowed more as I looked confused at the five men standing in my doorway. What the fuck is happening? Jun smirked and threw a wink as he walked further inside as if this was his place, Minghao had an amused smile on his face when he saw me scowling at Jun. Vernon and Wonwoo were grinning excitedly and I couldn’t help the giggle that left my lips and Mingyu was looking around curiously. Mingyu. Again. Of course. I glared at him as I walked towards him and pushed at his, now healed, chest.

“Get out!” I snapped, but my push did little to nothing as Mingyu’s built was almost twice bigger than mine. He looked offended that my first reaction to seeing him was to throw him out of my apartment. He is not welcomed here.

“Seriously?” He asked amused, but the glare didn’t go unnoticed by anyone.

“I don’t remember inviting you inside” I answered him as I crossed my arms in front of my chest. Mingyu scoffed as he looked at the other five men scattered in my living room.

“If they can stay, so can I.” And before I could curse him out, he pushed past me and sat down just where I was sitting seconds before. I scoffed and leaned against my door frame.

“Do you want some drinks?” 

“No.” Seungcheol snapped irritatedly as he ruffled his hair. He was standing next to the big window and drew the curtains together, blocking the view of the city. Something must have happened if he’s so on edge. I opened my mouth to ask once again what was wrong, but Vernon cut me off.

“Don’t I get my hug?” He tried to defuse the tense air in the room, but made it worse when Seungcheol and Mingyu both started glaring at him. I didn’t want to make Seungcheol angrier than he already was, but tormenting Mingyu was always something I enjoyed doing. And Vernon is my friend, I always hug him when we meet. So with a small smile and a shake of my head I walked towards him, he stood up from the ground, and we hugged. He squeezed me into his arms and lifted me up a bit, making me giggle into his neck. Vernon made me feel comfortable and protected. Having him and Seungcheol as my friends felt like having two older brothers and it was a feeling I really enjoyed. Seungcheol was like the stern and over protective older brother and Vernon the funny one and always ready to cause trouble with you kind of older brother. Mingyu scoffed as he looked away and I smirked to myself as I let go of Vernon. Mingyu always acts like a big, bad, tough guy but in moments like this his true self shows. He’s just a jealous, greedy, piece of shit. 

“So…”I spoke up as I walked next to Seungcheol and put an arm around his shoulders, “care to tell me why you six waltzed into my apartment uninvited with a very pissed Seungcheol?”

Seungcheol sighed deeply next to me and took my hand resting on his shoulders in his, giving it a squeeze. He was trying to calm down so I looked at him and offered him a friendly smile.

“Because Mingyu is fucking crazy!” He still couldn’t contain his temper as he looked at Mingyu with the deadliest glare I’ve ever seen coming from him.

“No, Mingyu is just fucking annoying. He can’t take a no, nor a ‘I told you to leave me alone, asshole’, nor a ‘I will fucking put you into jail if you don’t stop--’”

“Shut up, sugar, unless you want to really piss me off” Mingyu spoke lowly, eyes boring into mine as a smirk spread on my lips.

“Oh, I’m just getting started. Or what? Will you put a bullet in my head like you threatened so many times already?” Mingyu’s jaw clenched as he was ready to spring to his feet when Seungcheol chuckled humorlessly.

“Well if he won’t put a bullet in your head, someone else will fucking sure do it.” My eyes went wide as I looked at Seungcheol then at Vernon and Wonwoo. What is he talking about? My heart started beating quickly again as I let go of Seungcheol and straightened my posture. Seungcheol’s eyebrows furrowed as he realized what he said and sighed, shaking his head, “I didn’t mean to make it sound like that--”

“But what you said is right.” Vernon cut off Seungcheol and I looked between the two even more confused. A headache was brewing as I felt a light pressure in my forehead.

“Okay, honestly, what the fuck?” I finally snapped, glaring at everyone in room, especially at Seungcheol, “You have five seconds to explain before I call the cops”

“Yeah, right” Seungcheol muttered underneath his breath and I kicked his shin, earning a hiss from him.

Minghao, however, placed a brown envelope on top of my coffee table and looked at me with a neutral expression. I bit my lower lip, looking at the envelope nervously. What can be in there? Am I a wanted criminal for hanging around with SVT? Or did someone put a prize on my head because of Mingyu? Because he’s always with me and the other gangs probably already think there’s something going on between us? Coming to think of it, Kim Mingyu is a fucking idiot. He couldn’t even keep it on the low that he’s after me 24/7. 

“There’s an auction tomorrow at the Town Hall. We are going to steal a 1.00 carat Diamond ring--

“We are buying it first, Minghao, didn’t I tell you that already?” Mingyu asked with a yawn and Minghao rolled his eyes before he looked back at me.

“It’s not buying if we steal it before we can pay for it, anyways, Y/N, we need you to come with us” I blinked once and then twice as it was quiet in the room. Everyone was looking at me. Oh, now I understand why Seungcheol is so pissed, he doesn’t want to involve me in their business.

“We don’t need you to come, that’s just the bullshit coming out of Mingyu’s brain. We can perfectly do it without you too, we’ve already done it thousands of times.” Seungcheol’s jaw clenched as glared at their leader.

“Watch your fucking mouth, Seungcheol, my tolerance with you is running thin!” Mingyu snapped as he stood up, eyes narrowed at my friend. I sighed and took a step forward in order to stand between these two. I don’t want a gun pointed at Seungcheol again.

“Stop it!” I glared at both before looking down at the envelope, Seungcheol said they’ve done this before so nothing should go wrong. And it’s a Saturday tomorrow, a day I’d rather spend around high class people than study for my crucial exam. A small smirk spread on my lips as I looked up at Mingyu. His eyes were focused on me and when he saw my expression he knew I was in. He took a step back and sat on my couch again as he looked at Seungcheol smugly, who couldn’t see me as I was standing with my back towards him.

“Fine, I’m in” I said loud and clear and Seungcheol grabbed my arm.

“Are you crazy?! This is exposing you into our world so much more! It’s too dangerous, Y/N, please--”

“You think I’m not exposed way too much already?!” I raised my eyebrows with a scoff, “Mingyu’s been following me around daily for months, Seungcheol, you think no one saw him? Saw me? Saw the two of us together and got the wrong idea? Hell, I was exposed by you a long time ago, you just never wanted to admit it because you need me. And because I need you, Seungcheol.” My voice grew soft as Seungcheol looked down at the ground, his grip growing softer on my arm. I placed my other hand on his holding mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze. 

“Trust me, okay?” I whispered as Seungcheol looked me in the eyes defeated and nodded wordlessly.

“Be home tomorrow all day, you’ll have a package sent your way. I’ll pick you up at five in the afternoon.” Mingyu spoke up as he rose from my sofa and patted Minghao on the back.

“I’m only going with you if Seungcheol, Vernon and Wonwoo will be there with me at the auction.” I stepped in front of Mingyu so he couldn’t leave. There were a few inches between our bodies and I tried to ignore his scent and body warmth. He felt really inviting and I hated how easily my body gave in. I got too used to him and that’s bad.

“You don’t get to negotiate with me, Y/N.” Him using my name never meant anything good. He was dead serious. He wasn’t glaring nor speaking in a threatening way, but his words were enough to warn me.

“And you need me, Mingyu, otherwise you wouldn’t be here right now. So if you want me to really go, those are my conditions. And...Wonwoo picks me up, not you.” A throat was cleared behind Mingyu as a way to hide the laughter that bubbled up from Wonwoo. He was enjoying this a lot. He always enjoyed me standing up to Mingyu and never was afraid to show it, he really has known Mingyu for the longest.

“If you think…” He leaned down, our noses brushing against each other, “That you’ll be able to avoid me all night, you are very wrong. You are my girl.”

“Fuck you, I am no one’s, especially not yours.” I said pissed but Mingyu just sniffed before straightening up and walking past me. I glared at the wall as the boys one by one left my apartment.

“See you tomorrow!” Wonwoo smiled cutely and I sighed as I nodded. Vernon waved and before Seungcheol could leave, I grabbed his arm.

“Sleep here tonight?” Seungcheol looked past my shoulder and nodded at the person behind me, no doubt Mingyu, before he gave me a small smile.

“I’ve got to take care of a few things, I’ll be back in an hour”

“Cool, I’ll cook us something then” He kissed my forehead before leaving too. I sighed and walked to the coffee table to pick up the envelope. The big diamond ring stared back at me mockingly and I studied it as I made my way to the kitchen. This will be interesting.

   I stared at the reflection staring back at me in the mirror with a grimace. Of course Mingyu would pick a dress like this one. Red silk, tightly clinging to my body, deep V cut with thin straps and floor length but with a cut so high on my left thigh that I’m afraid my underwear will show if I take big steps. The heels sent with the dress were a dark emerald green, matching my earrings and purse. When I first saw the dress my jaw dropped, I was mesmerized by the fabric and beauty of it but when I finally dressed in it, I realized how provoking it is. I honestly don’t know if Mingyu is doing this for his own twisted mind or because he wants me to distract the important people he’s stealing from tonight. He sent nothing to wear over the dress so I decided to pull on my white fur jacket that I got from Seungcheol two years ago. He showed up to my birthday with the fancy package and at first I thought he was pranking me, but when I opened the box I was left speechless. He refused to tell me where he got the money from to buy such an expensive gift for me but now I know, it all makes sense now. My phone pinged and I glanced down to see a text from Wonwoo informing me that he was downstairs waiting for me. I took a deep breath and tightened the low ponytail before slipping my red lipstick inside my purse and quickly left, after locking the front door.

Wonwoo had a big smile on his lips when he saw me opening the apartment complex’s door, pretending to take off his hat as I walked closer to him. I chuckled and shook my head as I stopped in front of him.

“Didn’t he just overdo himself?” I asked, rolling my eyes as I twirled around slowly. Wonwoo started laughing, his deep voice raising a few octaves.

“Mingyu always had good taste and right now he hit the jackspot,” There was a sly smirk on Wonwoo’s lips as he pushed off the car, “All eyes will be on you tonight.”

“I guess that is his goal?” I asked with a sigh as I sat inside the car after Wonwoo opened the backseat door for me, “I have to distract the important people so that you guys can steal peacefully?”

Wonwoo chuckled and shook his head before closing the door and jogging to the driver’s seat. I buckled up the seatbelt and got comfortable on the leather seat, still not used to the softness of the fabric of my dress.

Wonwoo sat inside and started the car smoothly, slowly taking off, “You being there with us tonight is just Mingyu wanting to show off. He’s not using you as a distraction, although that’s what will happen probably. I know you hate the situation you are in, but Mingyu is never letting go of you. You can hate him until the end of your life but you got him wrapped around your fingers, something he will never admit.”

“I don’t understand what’s so special about me. There’s so many women out there who would willingly be with him, who are, hell, desperate to be with a man like him!” I exclaimed as I looked out the window.

“Trust me, I don’t understand either” Wonwoo started laughing and I rolled my eyes in a playful manner, “It’s mainly how loyal you are to Seungcheol. You really left a deep impression on him when you stood in front of that gun pointed at your friend. Many would have ran away just by seeing the situation that was unfolding when you stepped in. I knew you’d bring trouble upon us when you left Seungcheol’s vehicle--”

“You were in the van!” I exclaimed, leaning forward in my seat gaping. Wonwoo glanced back at me through the rearview mirror with a cheeky grin, “I knew it! I knew someone was inside the van still, I felt it!” 

“Yeah, I’m about to make a bold statement, but I’m one hundred percent sure we even made eye contact!” I gasped and soon we were both laughing. Sometimes I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that these men are part of a dangerous organization, hell, they are even more dangerous. That Seungcheol, the nicest and most caring man I know, is a drug dealer lord and that Vernon, the funny and reliable friend, is a hitman. Even Wonwoo, who always makes me laugh and loves to read in his free time, he’s the designated get away driver who’s caused numerous accidents that killed innocent by-standers. It’s a crazy world I got dragged in accidentally and no matter how much I hate it, Mingyu’s right, there’s no way out for me. So I better woman up and accept my fate of always having someone in my shadow to protect me from unknown dangers.

“Just smile and be nice to everyone Mingyu will introduce you to,” Wonwoo spoke up, bringing me out of my thoughts, “And try to keep your witty remarks to yourself until at least you are alone”

“Great, we are here” I muttered to myself as suddenly my stomach felt like an empty hole. I gulped and undid my seatbelt, about to open my door when someone opened it for me. It was Seungcheol and I took a deep breath before stepping out.

“Have fun, by the way, you look absolutely stunning!” Wonwoo called after me and I offered him a small smile as Seungcheol closed the door for me.

“My God” I breathed out as I looked around at the people swarming the place, all looking fancy and expensive. I’ve never seen so much luxury at one place ever in my life. Rich people really have it all.

“I thought I could do this, but I’m on the verge of throwing up, Cheol!” I whisper-shouted as I gripped onto my friend’s forearm. He sighed and I looked at him, taking in his outfit for the first time. He was wearing a dark red tuxedo, looking really handsome. His black hair was gelled back and the lip piercing was missing, he looked weird without the accessory.

“You have to put that lip piercing back the second we leave this place” I said with furrowed eyebrows as Seungcheol chuckled and pushed me back gently, getting a good look at my outfit.

“I’m going to fucking murder Mingyu, what are you wearing!” Seungcheol’s exclamation earned a few cross eyed looks and I pinched his hand to warn him to keep it down.

“A very expensive designer dress that I picked out myself with great care.” Mingyu seemed to teleport as he spoke up from next to me, eyes locking with Seungcheol, “Why? Do you have a problem?”

“It’s too revealing!” Seungcheol hissed and I sighed as I grabbed his arm.

“It’s fine, it’s just for tonight, Cheol. Let’s not cause a scene, okay?” I spoke softly, trying to calm him as I noticed people looking more frequently over. It could just be because Mingyu is standing next to me, I don’t know, but I don’t want to test our luck tonight. A hand touched my arm and I cringed a little when Mingyu intertwined our arms, but I stayed quiet deciding to follow Wonwoo’s advice. 

“Do your job, S.Coups, it’s why you are here tonight.” Mingyu’s voice was stern as he shot Seungcheol another look before taking off towards the entrance. I remained quiet as I followed his lead, taking in the beauty of the place. The chandeliers hanging low were covered in sparkling crystals and the floor and wall were all marble. The place looked breathtaking. My attention soon turned to the bodyguard standing at the next door, a notebook in his hands.

“Kim Mingyu, Oh Y/N” Mingyu spoke before the guard could even speak up, checking our names on the list. He gave us a nod and Mingyu started leading the way once again. As we walked inside the spacious room, music flooded my ears, nice slow music, and chatter. People were everywhere you looked, holding drinks or nothing in their hands, and laughing and talking with each other. Towards the front of the room was a small stage where the live band was playing and in front of the stage numerous empty chairs, for the auction later. We walked towards the right back of the room, where round tables had name tags on, and as Mingyu found ours we stopped. I shrugged my fur jacket off and hung it on the chair, placing my purse on the table next to the champagne glass. I felt eyes on me so I turned to look at Mingyu. For the first time tonight, I looked at him and took in his outfit. He was wearing all black, dress trousers, a vest without any dress shirt underneath and a sparkly tuxedo jacket with chains on. His black hair was styled in a way that left the impression that he had bangs but with the undercut it looked really nice. My eyes ran over his body once again and I tried to ignore the dryness of my throat when my eyes spotted his naked chest again. A chest on which a fading scar could be seen. He looked jaw dropping and I could see why so many ladies were looking our way. His look screamed danger, excitement and pleasure.

“I see I’m not the only one taken by my partner tonight” Mingyu smiled, genuinely, his sharp canines showing. I was speechless for a second and it made his smile widen. 

“Don’t expect me to obey you after tonight” I tried to scowl while trying to say something logical, off thrown by his smile. 

“I am not” He chuckled and stepped closer, eyes sweeping over my form for the nth time, “I really wasn’t going to choose this dress, but now I’m really glad I did”

“Something revealing not being your first choice? What a shock!” I placed a hand over my mouth mockingly and Mingyu rolled his eyes as he stepped again closer, little to no space between us now.

“We’ve spent so many months together and yet you still don’t know me, I am quite offended,” Mingyu said with a pout and my eyebrows furrowed.

“It’s not like we spent that time getting to know each other” I shrugged as my eyes wandered around the room, “You follow me around all the time while I yell at you to leave me alone...which makes me wonder, do you not have a life that you have to participate in?”

“Very funny” He glared a little as I offered him a sweet smile, “I take care of my business before I decide to stalk you”

“I’m glad you are aware that it’s called stalking what you do”

“Is it still stalking when the other one likes it?” He leaned in and I looked away in an attempt to ignore the closeness. My heart was beating so fast in my chest I was afraid the music wasn’t loud enough to cover it and Mingyu would hear it. I tried to distract myself even more as I furrowed my eyebrows and tried to spot a familiar face in the mass of people present in the room with us.

“Stalking is still stalking, Kim Mingyu, no matter the feelings tied to it” Finally, I answered back as a low humming sound came from the male standing too close in front of me. I made the mistake of glancing at him, our gazes catching each other and eyes locking. 

“When will you admit that you like having me around?” His voice was barely a whisper and I probably wouldn’t have heard him if my senses wouldn’t have been in overdrive. Everything around me felt on fire as I gulped, trying to collect my thoughts. He never stood this close to me before, we were almost pressed up against each other. His body warm drew me in more and more and I found myself staring at his pink lips, tongue poking out to wet them. The action snapped me out of my staring and I quickly looked back up, our eyes once again connecting. Mingyu’s pupils were dilated as his eyes narrowed at me, and I cleared my throat awkwardly. All these feelings were suddenly overwhelming and confusing, since when did I start feeling this way around Mingyu?

“Never” I whispered, barely audible, as Mingyu leaned down. I panicked, eyes searching his face as I didn’t know what to expect from him.

“There you are!” A cheery voice greeted from behind Mingyu and I basically ripped myself away from the tall giant as I raced towards my friend, Vernon, who wasn’t standing far from us. My heart was hammering in my chest as I threw my arms around Vernon, hugging him tightly. He chuckled and hugged me back just as tightly, eyebrows playfully furrowed when I pulled back.

“Jesus, I never thought someone could miss me this much” Vernon laughed and I giggled along, trying to ignore the burning look coming from Mingyu. He was pissed that Vernon interrupted us, was he planning on kissing me? Was Mingyu about to kiss me? No, question, was I about to actually let him kiss me? The answer to that question was scary because I instantly knew the answer, so I smiled tightly at Mingyu before grabbing Vernon’s arm and pulled him towards the bar, far away from Mingyu.

“Why are we in a rush?” Vernon chuckled confused as I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself.

“Just running away from Mingyu, the usual, you know” I muttered as the bartender looked our way and I waved my fingers at him.

“I’d like a Cuba Libre, please” I asked politely as the bartender turned around and started preparing my cocktail, “Vernon, you have to promise me something”

“Uh, alright?” He asked with raised eyebrows as the bartender turned back to us with my drink. I went to grab for money but realized I left my purse on the table, where Mingyu is. I turned to Vernon with puppy eyes as he just grinned and handed the bartender a lot more money than that Cuba Libre cost.

“Thanks, I left my purse at the table”

“You can give it back after we go back and--”

“No!” I snapped, eyes wide, as I grabbed the glass firmly in my hands, “The promise I want to ask you is keep me away from Mingyu, all night.”

“All night?” Vernon’s eyes widened as he gulped and looked past my shoulder, back towards where the round tables were situated.

“All night.” I nodded my head firmly and took my first sip of my cocktail.

“Uh, shit, let’s get moving then!” My eyebrows furrowed when he pulled me after him, I almost spilled a little of the drink on myself, “Mingyu’s headed our way”

“Run!” I screeched quietly as Vernon laughed and started pulling me through the masses of people, doing everything to lose Mingyu.

   And that’s exactly what Vernon and I did for the past two hours, we ran from Mingyu. We hid in the back garden, we danced on the dance floor to the slow music when we couldn’t see him, we socialized with people Vernon knew and even met some new ones, then went to the bar to get some more drinks when we made eye contact with a very pissed looking Mingyu. I was actually having a lot of fun, the night going a lot better than I was anticipating it to go. Vernon was amazing company and I couldn’t be more thankful for him accepting my little plan, knowing he’d have to suffer the repercussions later on for disobeying direct orders from Mingyu and hiding me from him. 

“See those guys over there?” Vernon nodded subtly towards a couple not far away from us, standing at the end of the bar.

“Yeah, why?” I asked as my eyes swept over the place, trying to act casual, but also to see if I could catch a glimpse of Mingyu. I haven’t seen him in half an hour which was starting to make me uneasy. 

“Undercover cops.” Vernon said lowly, lips barely moving as he steered the olive oil in his drink.

“No shit, are you forreal?” I slammed my third Cuba Libre on the bar a little too hard, eyes widening as I glanced towards the couple, who were looking at us now. Vernon frowned lightly and then suddenly laughed as he looked at the couple.

“She had a little bit too much already!” He called with a friendly smile, nodding towards my drink. I looked at him offended but quickly covered my reaction with a somewhat drunken giggle. The couple laughed along with me, nodding their heads before they walked away.

“You can’t react like that--”

“I’m sorry!” I quickly cut him off, realizing I was putting the reason why we were here at stake if I was reacting like that, “How many of them are here?”

“Are you kidding me?” Vernon laughed, downing his drink in a one shot, “This place is full of cops, Y/N”

“Holy shit” I muttered amazed as I looked out at the crowd on the dance floor then back at Vernon. However, I tensed up when my eyes fell on the man we’ve been avoiding for the past two hours, “Shit, the devil’s here, Vernon--” Vernon gripped my arm as we took off, leaving my drink on the counter as I looked back at it with a pout. We were weaving between people as Vernon headed for the dance floor, until our path was cut. I looked up and swallowed hard at the dark eyes and dark glare directed at us. Vernon just smiled as he nodded at his boss, about to go around him, but another pair of hands caught my other, free, arm.

“She’s staying.” Mingyu’s voice was hard as he didn’t even bother to turn our way. I shook my head as I looked at Vernon, asking for help, but my friend just sighed before letting go of my arm held by him.

“Traitor!” I snapped at him as my eyes widened, feet moving as Mingyu started walking.

“Sorry!” Vernon mouthed before he walked towards the round tables in the back of the room, leaving me alone with Kim Mingyu. I sighed as I followed after him wordlessly, not realizing he was leading us to the middle of the dance floor.

“If you’re about to bring me to a secluded place and blow my brains out, you should know that I’m not afraid and I will cause a scene, scream and--” I gasped as my chest collided with Mingyu’s chest. One hand around my lower back, pulling me flushed against him, and the other holding my right hand in his. I looked ahead, over Mingyu’s shoulder, as I hesitantly placed my other hand around his shoulder. He was holding me too close and suddenly my heart was hammering in my chest again. I wish I could have avoided him for longer, at least until the auction, when it wasn’t possible to dance anymore.

“I don’t appreciate you running around with Vernon” His voice was clear in my ear as he swayed us to the slow music. 

“I don’t appreciate you forcing me into doing things I don’t want to do” I snapped back, referring to us dancing right now. It was a lie, a lie I wasn’t ready to admit yet. His body felt right against mine, our hands made for the other, our bodies knowing the next step of the other.

“I didn’t force you to come here, Y/N” Mingyu sighed and I gulped, making eye contact with a blonde haired woman who was glaring at me. I glared back at her before speaking again.

“Yeah, but you didn’t ask me if I wanted to dance with you” 

“You are my date, Y/N, we are supposed to dance together” His grip on my hand tightened a bit and I hissed, knowing he could hear me. I made eye contact with another person, an older man this time, who was smiling, and smiled back at him.

“Yeah, you know, it’s a little late to say ‘pass’, but...pass.” I muttered as I turned my head a bit towards Mingyu’s, staring at his jawline. Images of him smoking when he took me to his house and cooked Fajitas entered my mind and I clenched my jaw. This really isn’t the time to think of something like that, it happened months ago yet the memory is crystal clear in my mind.

“You really do not understand, do you?” Mingyu snapped, finally letting his anger show. I chuckled as a lady greeted me and I nodded back at her, ignoring the way Mingyu’s fingers dug into my lower back.

“Understand what?” I pulled a bit away to be able to look in his eyes, eyes that held a lot of anger. I gulped and quickly looked away, my hand sneaking up from his shoulder to his neck. He tensed a bit and twirled us around a bit more aggressively as I held onto him.

“These people know who I am, Y/N, so that means they know who you are. What do you think it looks like to them when you are running around all night with a man who works for me, you proceed to hide from me with his help and even dance with him more than once?” His voice grew lower and lower and more pissed by the time he finished his sentence.

“I don’t know?” I answered quietly, not exactly understanding what his words meant.

“You are my girl, Y/N, and everyone knows that here. And running around with a little skanky boy all night long shows how little respect you have for me and how much I let you get away with. This is not the fucking time to parade around and create a shit show, sugar, people here are all from gangs from around the world and the country. One wrong fucking move and they will blow your brains out, not me, sugar.” I grew stiff in Mingyu’s arms upon he finished talking, growing silent as I looked around with wide eyes, seeing this place in a different light for the first time. I didn’t know that, that’s why Seungcheol was so against it and annoyed. I’m exposed to all these people. They now know who I am and know that I am Mingyu’s, or whatever.

“You’re such an asshole” I scoffed as I pulled my head back, making eye contact with the man holding me, “Do you realize you just exposed me to the whole fucking mob world?!”

“You did that to yourself when you interfered with our business, sugar” He said with a smirk, eyes holding less anger but just enough. He pissed me off and I tried to take deep breaths to remain calm, but it was hardly doing anything.

“Maybe if your man didn’t hold a gun against my best friend’s head I wouldn’t have--”

“Not my problem, I’m not in the mood to listen to your pathetic whining, again.” Mingyu snapped, quickly shutting me up but not exactly expecting me to cause a scene knowing where we were and who were around me. But I tried to either way, when was I the one with enough brains to not do anything reckless? I ripped my hand away from his abruptly and raised it, ready to slap Mingyu across the face, but he reacted almost a little too late. Before my palm could connect with his cheek he gripped my wrist and twirled me around in a pirouette, making my blood boil. I was back in his arms again, now in a tight grip as he pressed me against his body fully, restricting me as well in the process as he caged my arms between our bodies, one hand pushing my head next to his neck and the other keeping me tightly against him by my lower back. The thought of fighting back against him flashed quickly in my head but before I could wriggle myself out I made eye contact with a panicked looking Seungcheol. He looked ready to jump in the middle of the dance floor and pull me out of there. At first I thought something bad happened and we had to run, but I soon realized it were my actions that attracted more unwanted eyes on us and Seungcheol was begging me with his eyes to stop and save it for later, just let it go for now. My hands gripped the chains on Mingyu’s vest tightly as I clenched my jaw and stared at the ground, ignoring the quick falling and raising of Mingyu’s chest. I think I really messed up this time, even Mingyu had a limit and I just crossed it. I let out a shaky breath and Mingyu’s grip loosened just a little bit, but he didn’t let go. More and more people took intrigued glances our way and I knew I fucked up, they saw me trying to slap the shit out of him, they could see just how pissed both of us were. I guess it looked really bad if a gang leader’s partner disrespects him continuously, maybe it shows he’s got no power. I don’t know what these people think, but I have to fix my mistake. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath as I tried to pull my head back, but Mingyu didn’t let me.

“Let go, please” I mumbled as I caught the gaze of the glaring blonde again. Mingyu didn’t hesitate before the hand was gone and I was able to pull my head back. The lights dimmed in the back where the tables were and I figured the auction was about to happen, so I acted quickly. I broke eye contact with Mingyu and leaned in quickly, barely pressing my lips against his, hoping to everyone else it looked like a real kiss. But the hand was back on the back of my head and Mingyu’s soft pink lips pressed against mine firmly, making my heart hammer quicker than ever before. The music slowly died down and people started clapping, I pulled away and stared at Mingyu’s stained lips by my red lipstick. I took a deep breath and untangled myself from him and started walking away, knowing he’d follow me. I couldn’t look at him, embarrassed that I had to do that in front of everyone, in front of Seungcheol and probably even Vernon. A hand on the small of my back guided me through the people and back to our seats. When we sat down Mingyu grabbed a napkin and patted his lips, his eyes boring into my profile for the whole time. I shivered and cleared my throat as I took my glass of water from the table and gulped down a big amount. A man walked up onto the scene and I could see the crowd dispersing as people walked towards the chairs and others towards the round tables. A man in a purple expensive fur coat strutted past our table and down the aisle, turning briefly and nodding. Mingyu’s nod back caught my attention and I realized it was Minghao and he was walking towards the front chairs, placed there for the auction. I didn’t realize Mingyu wouldn’t directly participate in it. And so, the auction started and I stayed quiet and slumped in my seat as all the lights were directed at the stage now. 

    Halfway through the auction I felt two hands gripping my shoulders in a reassuring way and I jumped in my seat, taken by surprise. First thought was Mingyu, but he was sitting right beside me, so when I turned around I was met with Vernon smiling reassuringly at me.

“Can we get some air?” I whispered as another painting was sold at an outrageous price. Vernon glanced to my right and I followed his line of vision to be met with Mingyu’s glaring eyes, he raised an eyebrow.

“Can I go out?” I muttered while avoiding eye contact with Mingyu, the taste of his lips ebbed into my mind forever. 

“Don’t stay for long.” He snapped as he looked at Vernon then back towards the auction, a diamond ring being the next object. It must be the ring for which we are here tonight. I took Vernon’s hand and followed after him as he led us towards the garden which was lit up by little fairy lights, a marble bench placed between two beautiful rose bushes. I took a seat on the bench and hugged myself in an attempt to warm myself, I left my fur coat inside.

“Have you seen Seungcheol?” I asked, raising my eyebrows as Vernon strolled around the garden, staying in ear shot distance so he could hear me.

“He’s keeping an eye on the auction, making sure Minghao gets the ring” Vernon answered from somewhere behind me, I couldn’t see him as he was behind a tree.

“Like a bodyguard” I mumbled to myself with a small smile, even here, Seungcheol is protecting someone. Light smoke floated in the air and I turned around, eyebrows furrowed as Vernon finally came into view. A cigarette was between his lips as he inhaled deeply and then blew the smoke out.

“You smoke?!” I asked shocked as I rubbed my arms up and down, cursing Mingyu for choosing a dress with so little coverage when it’s almost winter.

“Just when stressed” Vernon shrugged and threw his cigarette into the bin with a chuckle. I shook my head at him and looked up with a small smile as he stopped in front of me, looking down with a friendly smile.

“Do you do this often?” I asked quietly, looking around the garden.

“This?” 

“Yeah, like...this.” I made a suggestive face and Vernon frowned before widening his eyes. He realized that I was referring to the auction and them stealing the item they were supposed to pay for.

“Pretty often, yeah” He nodded with a pout and shrugged his suit jacket off, “As often as there’s an auction that can offer us something good”

“Why does Mingyu need a diamond ring anyway?” I asked as I watched Vernon step closer and place his suit jacket around my exposed shoulders. I quickly placed my arms into the sleeves and pulled the suit jacket tightly against my body, the warmness making me sigh.

“Won’t you be cold?” I looked at Vernon as he took a seat next to me, he just shook his head and pointed at his long sleeved black shirt that was made of silk, like my dress.

“Business is business, I can’t tell you all of our secrets, Y/N, Mingyu really will have my head if I do” Vernon chuckled but I didn’t find it funny. I frowned as the kiss flashed in my mind again and I shuddered, side eyeing Vernon to see if he saw my reaction.

“Fuck Mingyu” I muttered finally and Vernon started laughing before placing his arm around my shoulders.

“Enough of Mingyu,” He grinned cheekily as if he knew something was eating me inside, “How’s college going?”

“Honestly?” I raised my eyebrows before groaning loudly, “I’m ready to drop out”

Vernon laughed again and squeezed my shoulders, “Seungcheol hyung did tell me not to mention college too often”

“Yeah, I’m actually close to walking inside and triggering Mingyu enough so that he blows my brains out--”

“Hey, no.” Vernon frowned at me and he turned my head towards him with his free hand, our faces pretty close, “Don’t say stuff like that, it’s never funny”

“Sorry” My lips formed a straight line as I felt as if we were being watched, but ignored it, maybe someone got bored of the auction and is just roaming around, “You know, we always talk so much shit when we are together, but I never asked you...how did you join the gang?”

“Ah” Vernon sealed his lips tightly in a tight lipped smile as I rested my head against his shoulder, “Well, Seungkwan and I have been friends since middle school. He always caused trouble and I always saved his ass. So one day he got into some really serious shit and there really wasn’t much to do but to suck it up and give those men money, they wouldn’t leave us alone. But then we started not being able to gather the money, they also raised the price, and I realized Seungkwan was slowly becoming more and more paranoid and he...developed depression quickly…”

I squeezed Vernon’s knee in a reassuring manner and he sighed before clearing his throat to continue, “I don’t know how much Mingyu told you, but everyone in SVT knows each other since high school. However, I met Mingyu in my last year in middle school and I thought he was really cool. So I tried to befriend him, but one day Seungkwan and I had a massive fight in the restroom, he was in a booth and heard everything so the next day I woke up with money on my desk and a note saying, ‘Meet me on the roof’--”

“Let me guess, Mingyu lent you money so that you could pay those men?” I asked as I raised my head and turned toward Vernon again.

“He did, he gave us more money than we needed, and I took it because we were desperate. In order to show gratefulness I decided to join him”

“No questions asked as to what he did? You just joined him blindly?” I raised my eyebrows as I discovered something new about Vernon.

“Yeah, I have the tendency to jump into things without learning more about them,” He giggled to himself as if he remembered something, “Seungkwan was really pissed, he even gave me a black eye when I told him I joined Mingyu’s gang”

“For once I respect Seungkwan” I mumbled with a chuckle and Vernon laughed loudly. It was pretty obvious that Seungkwan and I didn’t really get on well when we were around each other. He always finds something that he could pick on and I just always have something to fire back at him. 

“Calling it a gang is so weird now” I raised my eyebrows as Vernon grinned, “We grew so much, Mingyu has a whole empire now. You still haven’t realized that you are dealing with the biggest, strongest and most dangerous mob leader of South Korea, Y/N” 

I gulped as I looked away from Vernon then back at him, “Sometimes I wish I didn’t insist on going with Seungcheol to that parking lot, he offered to take me home first but I didn’t want him to waste his time. I really hate Mingyu, you know--”

There was a crashing sound coming from behind us and both Vernon and I jumped as he tensed up. But nothing else happened so maybe it was coming from inside?

“And then there’s times when I really can’t hate him, you know?” I continued as I gazed ahead, feeling Vernon’s eyes on me, “He’s funny sometimes and nice and then there’s times when he acts like a teenage boy with a crush and I think I hate him more for that. If he was always cruel and irritating, I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash his way, but he’s just--”

“That sounds a lot like you like him--”

“Hell no!” I snapped and pushed Vernon’s head away from mine, his arm slipping from around my shoulders as he started laughing loudly, “You need to check your hearing if that’s what you got from my rant, honestly, Vernon.”

“Sorry, sorry” He was still laughing as I huffed and stood up from the marble bench, but before I could walk away, arms were around me, hugging me from behind. I rolled my eyes and turned my head so that I could look at Vernon.

“I’m not forgiving you because you hug me, okay?”

“But you love my hugs” Vernon pouted and I rolled my eyes again as I leaned down and kissed his cheek, pulling away with a wide grin.

“I love everything about you, alright?” Vernon grinned back and was about to talk when stomping was heard and someone cleared their throat. Vernon’s expression fell and he was quick to let go of me so I turned my head to see Mingyu glaring at us. Great. I can’t wait to go home and not see Mingyu for two days, I’m about to cry, I swear.

“See you inside” Vernon patted my head before walking past Mingyu, leaving us alone, again. Traitor, I grimaced as I watched Vernon’s back until he was gone.

“It seems like you forgot what I told you not even an hour ago, sugar?” Mingyu stepped closer meanwhile I took a step back and glanced away.

“You told me it was okay--”

“This is an open place, anyone can see you, sugar” I raised my eyebrows as Mingyu kept coming closer.

“Well, no one was here, I made--”

“Maybe Jun was right, you are nothing but a pain in the ass. I should kill you.” Mingyu raised an eyebrow, eyes boring into mine as my mouth dropped open.

“What!?” 

“If you can tell me just one occasion when you actually listened to me, I won’t have to debate whether to kill you or not” All emotion disappeared from Mingyu’s face as a smirk was plastered on his lips, a smirk I ached to punch off his soft and pink lips. My heart started beating quickly as I tried to read Mingyu, to understand if he’s fucking with me or if he actually means his words. I gulped as he looked at me expectantly and I started thinking of all the times he told me to do something, but I always...ignored him. 

“You know” I stepped closer to him, deciding to ignore his words, “I could always run inside and tell them you will steal the ring before you have to pay for it. The place is full of undercover cops and well, other gangs. I’m sure neither would appreciate it” 

I shrugged as I smiled at Mingyu, however a painful grip on my upper arm yanked me into him, making me grunt. Mingyu’s jaw was clenched as he looked into my eyes, my heels bringing me to eye level with him, his nose flaring.

“You still provoke me after I told you I’m thinking of killing you?” He looked so pissed that his chuckle was something between frustration and amusement. 

“So then, kill me.” I clenched my jaw as I stared him in the eyes, challenging him to do it, “Let me guess, you can’t?”

Suddenly something hard was pressing into my stomach and I sucked in a sudden breath, wanting badly to glance down at the gun but refusing to give Mingyu the satisfaction of seeing me nervous. There was a click and I knew the safety was off. I could feel my hands shaking as my eyebrows furrowed as I searched Mingyu’s blank face. He wouldn’t do it, right? He can’t kill me, he likes me. Vernon’s words rang through my head and I gulped as Mingyu slowly started smirking, a devilish look crossing his features. I went to pull away from him but he kept me in place and suddenly there was a louder click as I gasped and closed my eyes tightly, waiting for the pain to hit my body. I never said goodbye to Seungcheol or my parents, Vernon. When I felt nothing but numbness and nausea I opened my eyes to see Mingyu still smirking, gun still in his hand but not pointed at me anymore.

“You still think I can’t?” He whispered as he raised his eyebrows. My hands continued to shake as I pulled my arm out of his grip and managed to glare at him.

“I hope you root away in hell.” I whispered shakily as I raised my hand and slapped him across the cheek, the loud sound echoing around us. Mingyu just laughed as he didn’t look at me and caressed his cheek. I stormed off towards the entrance of the building, trying to hide my shaking hands.

       The rest of the auction was a blur as my mind kept replaying the time when I kissed Mingyu and then it suddenly cut to the gun being pressed into me and the click of the trigger. A light ache crossed my stomach every time my mind wandered back to the memory and all I wanted to do was stand up, run home and throw up. I wanted to throw up and then take a hot shower, hopeful that it would wash away tonight. I feel like tonight’s events will have a big effect on our relationship and it surely won’t be for the best. I crossed every boundary Mingyu had and he proved it to me he wouldn’t hesitate in killing me, even if the gun wasn’t loaded. But before I could register what the host of the auction was saying, I was pulled from my seat, fur coat and purse tossed into my arms, as a firm grip guided me towards the exit and finally towards the parking lot. I wanted to see Seungcheol so badly, I wanted to hug him and just cry in his arms. I just needed comfort from my brother, the man who knows me better than anyone else. But before I could even cry out to him, I was pushed inside a white Mercedes, seatbelt forcefully secured and then the driver sat inside and started the car. I stared ahead, aware of the tension in the car, but unable to function properly anymore. Tonight was a disaster, mainly because of me, and I just want to delete it from my mind. The car glided through the lanes aggressively and suddenly I missed Wonwoo, who is a patient and calm driver. Mingyu was speeding at an ungodly speed, but I couldn’t be bothered to yell at him like I did so many other times. I was actually glad, I would get home faster and even faster away from him. The tires screeched when the Mercedes came to a stop, the force sending me a bit forward in my seat. I sighed as I undid the seatbelt and grabbed my fur coat and purse to open the door. As I pushed it open, the driver’s door was slammed closed and I closed my eyes for a second to prepare myself for another death threat. But my mind just wanted me to get away, so I tried to quickly close the door, without slamming it like the ungrateful little shit Mingyu did, and without a second thought took off towards the front door, thinking I could outrun Mingyu. But I barely took five big steps when I was pulled backwards, a loud groan leaving my lips.

“Tonight was shit, just please let me go up--” The wind got knocked out of my lungs at how aggressively Mingyu’s lips pressed against mine, my eyes widening. I’ve been thinking about doing this again tonight, but a part of me was finally scared of Mingyu. A part of me finally realized who I was dealing with. A dangerous, merciless, handsome mob leader, and he could kill me right now by using this kiss as a distraction and also muffling my lips from screaming--I pushed Mingyu away, eyes still wide as I could feel my hands shaking again.

“You can’t--you can’t just--”I tried to catch my breath and calm my hammering heart, “You can’t just point a gun at me, pull the trigger and then kiss me! I’m not an object you can just push around, bend to your wishes and use for pleasure! I’m sick of it all!”

The last statement came out as a choked up scream as I tried to keep the tears from falling, shaking my head at Mingyu as I slumped against his white car. Tonight really is a fucking nightmare.

“I’m sick of you constantly pushing me away! You’re making me crazy, Y/N!” Mingyu’s usually leveled voice rose octaves as he came uncomfortably close, making me look down.

“What if…” I bit my lower lip, trying to control the trembling in my voice, I was about to tell a lie and I needed to make it sound real, “What if I don’t like you? Will you still force yourself on me? Because then you really are a piece of shit.”

Sometime during these months, when Mingyu was nice and approachable, I discovered a softer side of him, a decent, human, side of him. A side that was immensely attractive, a side I found myself liking and wishing to see more often. He was driving me crazy too, because I didn’t know anymore if I was scared of him or excited to see him. At least, tonight, I had no fucking idea anymore.

“You like me” His answer was more of a let out breath, his lips curled in a simple smile, “I know you do.”

“No, I don’t!” I snapped, looking up at him irritated, “At least not tonight”

“You had to learn the hard way, sugar, it’s not my fault” Mingyu sighed and I huffed as I rolled my eyes.

“Right, point a gun at me and then pull the fucking trigger but surprise! It has no bullets. No. I’m not doing this, I just want to forget this stupid night and ignore you until you get bored and leave me the fuck alone!”

“I told you I will never leave your side” Mingyu whispered, a shit eating grin spread on his lips. It took the little self control I still had to not kick him in the shin as I glared at him.

“I will go to the police, I’ve really had enough of you!”

“Oh, no, I’m so scared!” Mingyu mocked a scared voice as he widened his eyes in fake fright, “As if the police could do anything”

“I’m sure the police can’t wait to get their hands on you and actually lock you up” It was my time to grin smugly at him, his expression instantly becoming pissed, “Oh the things I know…”

“I dare you” He stepped even closer, his body pressed against mine, pressing me into the Mercedes. I gulped as I ignored the shivering of my body and my still shaky hands, trying to keep my eyes glued to his.

“You know I have the guts to actually do it, don’t ask for something you can’t handle, Mingyu” I whispered watching him sigh, his breath hitting my face, before he licked his lips. Without thinking, I licked my lips as well and the action caught his attention making me curse myself. I was trying to avoid this moment, yet here we are, my eyes were closed before Mingyu could even lean in, my chin tilted for him. This time, his lips pressed lightly against mine, like when I tried to fake the kiss on the dance floor, and he waited for me to give my permission. When I pressed back my lips against his, his large palm went to my nape and held it firmly, our lips moving slowly. I felt bad for the expensive, white fur coat when it dropped from my hand as I went to thread my fingers through Mingyu’s hair. I raised my right hand and tried to find the roof of the Mercedes to place my purse on it, the kiss turning a lot needier than before. Finally finding it, I let the purse rest on the roof and quickly circled my right arm around his neck as I pulled Mingyu even closer, our lips parting as Mingyu tried to dominate the kiss. For the first time he didn’t fight back as I took over, our tongues dancing together as I hummed when his hand started to roam my back underneath Vernon’s suit jacket. I tugged on his hair when his grip on my nape became a bit too firm, warning him that I would end this make out if he didn’t stop with his power play. But the tug fueled something in Mingyu as his hand on my back traveled higher and suddenly started tugging Vernon’s jacket off, pressing continuous pecks against my lips. I ran out of air, lungs on fire, as I tried to tell him to stop, but he pressed a hard kiss against my lips and my complaint got swallowed as Vernon’s jacket fell off my shoulders. The coldness covered me in goosebumps as I latched onto Mingyu again, trying to warm myself. He pulled away, chest falling up and down at a quick pace, as he nibbled on my lower lip, his canines sinking into my lip. I opened my eyes and pulled my head back to stop him from kissing me again, but instead his lips started kissing my jaw, making me sigh.

“Do you want me to get pneumonia?” I mumbled as I grabbed his head with both hands, stopping him, “That suit jacket was the only thing keeping me warm.”

“That suit jacket is Vernon’s” Mingyu’s words were airy as he tried to catch his breath still, eyes glaring just slightly.

“So what?” I shrugged and went to pick it up but Mingyu pressed me up against the car again firmly, “Seriously? I’m freezing!”

“You will not wear Vernon’s or any other men’s clothes, yeah?” Mingyu raised his eyebrows as he searched my eyes and I smirked as I made eye contact with him. Little jealous piece of shit, I chuckled as I pushed Mingyu.

“Well, then I’m going up” I picked my fur coat up and reached for my purse, stepping around Mingyu.

“Yeah, we should go up before you get sick--”

“Oh no” I chuckled, turning back to face Mingyu, “You are not coming up with me, Mingyu”

“Why not, sugar?” He asked with a smirk as he bent to pick up Vernon’s suit jacket.

“Because I’m not sleeping with you tonight…” My eyebrows furrowed as the thought wasn’t as repulsive as it was a few months ago, “Or anytime else. Besides, you held an unloaded gun to my stomach and pulled the trigger--”

“Emphasis on unloaded” Mingyu pointed out as I rolled my eyes and started walking again towards the main entrance.

“I really hate you Mingyu”

“Vernon says you like me a lot--”

“You were eavesdropping?!” I squealed as I turned to face him again, “You’re a piece of shit!”

“I know, I know” Mingyu mumbled as he rolled his eyes and walked up to me, “Seems like you still have a thing for this piece of shit though”

“I do not!” I snapped and Mingyu chuckled before leaning down and pecking my lips.

“I will never ever again kiss you, so I hope tonight’s kiss will last you a lifetime of nightmares” Mingyu chuckled before he walked past me and dropped Vernon’s suit jacket into the trash bin.

“Mingyu!” My eyebrows furrowed as I shook my head at him, finally reaching the main entrance to the building.

“What? He can afford to buy another one”

“I really liked that jacket though…” I muttered as I entered the pass code and opened the door, stepping inside. I turned to see Mingyu glaring at me as I held the door open just enough for my head to peek out a bit, “Even though I have to admit that your outfit tonight was really hard to resist. Would love to see the rest of what’s underneath too”

My eyes traveled from Mingyu’s exposed chest down the rest of his body while biting my lower lip, to look up at a frozen Mingyu, jaw clenched. He suddenly started walking towards the door and I quickly closed it before he could reach it. I smirked when he glared at me and showed him my middle finger.

“I know the pass code” He warned, hand reaching to type in the numbers. I showed him my middle finger again before taking off towards the elevator to ride up to my floor. He will never get past my three locks on the door that I had installed yesterday.

Part 3

[crookedactor]

DETROIT: BECOME BETTER

aka my DBH plot critique.

Disclaimer; this post mostly has to do with the plot and narrative of the story, and not the technical aspects. This is just what *I* think would have made the story more complex and interesting, and I will try to write it in a way that would realistically make sense for the story.

I of course am very thankful for the 200+ people who worked on DBH, because they made a wonderful game, and I couldn't imagine how hard it was. They aren't to blame for any of these critiques, mostly just David Cage. (lol)

And of course, spoilers ahead. I'll try to keep the major spoilers (like Alice's plot line) to a minimum just for good measure though!

Alright. Here we go. ⬇

(Also I'm sorry I don't have the option to do a "keep reading" button on my posts, so if you don't want to read this, you'll have to scroll for a bit since it's long. Sorry!!)

So first off let's go through each character's storyline, and outline a rough draft. Then, I'll expand on those ideas. After the characters, I'll move on to the overall plot of the story, (Which will mostly be the Pacifist, good route, since that's the one I'm most familiar with) and then maybe I'll do the minor characters and general notes. This is going to be a long post.

(((POSTS FOR EACH CHARACTER AND PLOT WILL BE SEPARATE. This is MY VERSION of Kara in DBH, and it's basically a complete reimagining of her character and the game as a whole.)))

First up, Kara.

My version of DBH would include kara being more central to the Android revolution. In DBH, her story arc is separate from Connor and Markus, and I feel as if that's the reason why some players find her section boring.

I want her and Markus to work hand in hand in some way for the revolution. In one of the original game trailers released around 2016 (?) It looked as though Kara was going to take center-stage in the plot. Maybe Alice wasn't even written into the script yet, because Kara seemed like she was on a solo journey towards understanding herself and other androids. It also seemed like they were going to use Tech Demo! Kara, and not the reimagined one that they ended up with in DBH. I really feel like Tech Demo! Kara was wasted potential in the game, because if that version of Kara was there, she most certainly would have become RA9.

As for Alice, I have no idea where she stands in this reimagining. If Kara would have been RA9, she definitely couldnt have time to take care of a child.

Maybe Alice isn't in this version of the story at all. Maybe Kara is on a solo journey of acceptance, discovery, and truth.

So, what would I imagine her new story to be? Well, Kara would have continued on her path that we saw in the Tech Demo, and most likely would be sold in stores. In the aforementioned Kara trailer released for the game, it seemed like Kara was tired of the typical, boring android life, and ran away to create her own story. This seems like a good place to go if we are sticking with RA9! Kara.

RA9! Kara most likely would have had an owner (someone similar to Todd, perhaps) who just didn't suit her. She would have escaped and be stunned by her sudden lack of care, especially after she promised to do no harm in the Tech Demo.

After escaping, she would be separate from all other characters until about mid-game. But, that doesn't mean all the times we see her until this point would be just filler. In order to keep continuity, I would still like her to meet ralph, because since she lacks Alice to teach her true humanity, she could more or less practice on ralph. (I know, it sounds demeaning lol) but it's true. Ralph is alone, scared, and VERY traumatised. Kara would be very eager to help someone like him, since she had been in his shoes.

This would be her first lesson in deviance other than herself. The beginning of her journey to becoming RA9. :)

I would also still like her to meet zlatko, and even Connor, in the highway chase scene.

Zlatko would remind her just how bad humans are, since she didn't have Todd do it. This would further motivate her to help other androids find peace and security away from humans, since she knows just how bad they can be. I would also like her first freshly-deviated android (other than ralph, who deviated before he met kara) to be Luther, but I'm undecided on whether to let him stay with her or not. Since this is HER journey of self discovery, she might do it alone. RA9 would most likely not want other people working with them, for a multitude of reasons.

She would meet Connor before Zlatko. Basically, it goes exactly the way the game plays it out, but we see it framed in a way that shows how afraid Kara is; 1) that she will get caught, and 2) that connor, an android designed to hunt other androids, has even been made. She is very uncomfortable with the fact that Cyberlife would do this, and she yearns to help him escape his programming, because he needs it the most. She is very empathetic, and this will further her desire to help other androids.

MID GAME: she meets Markus. I'm thinking she probably bumps into him while she's on the run from Connor. (Its been a few days, or even weeks, since the highway incident, but she's still very scared of getting caught.) Markus has been deviant, but has yet to find Jericho. I think that he could share the location of Jericho with her, and they can find it together.

Once they find it and explore, everyone asks Kara about herself. She tells them everything, and they are very surprised to find that she has been deviant all along. They had heard stories of RA9, but now it really seems like they've found out who it is. This is where RA9! Kara really starts to come into fruition.

She then will basically work as a consultant for deviants via Markus. He will take up second-in-command of Jericho, and Kara might take the place of Lucy, and even leader. He, along with every other android who chooses to come to Jericho, answers to her.

After this, Kara will go on missions with the Jericrew. She tells Markus what to do, and he does it. Everyone else (north, simon, and josh) help them immensely.

She also participates in the hyjacking of Stratford Tower. Markus stays out of this mission in order to free other androids around Detroit, (this is where he does the protest march, and Chris gets saved by him as told to connor by hank) and Kara takes his place in getting the Android message out to humans. They flee, and Simon doesn't get shot.

Maybe later, in between the middle of the game and the end, Kara is called to a meeting with kamski (however he would go about doing that. He's kamski, he can probably do anything he wants lol.) And she has no idea what it's for. She begins to think she's going to be shut down because of her deviancy, since she never knew that KAMSKI knew.

Jericrew asks her if she wants them to accompany her, but, like a true RA9, she says that she will do it alone.

When kara arrives at kamski's house, she's greeted by chloe. She is surprised to find that the other android is a deviant as well, and is just serving kamski by choice. This also will clue her in on how kamski feels about deviated androids, if he willingly keeps one in his house. This makes her suspicious.

Once inside, she waits until kamski permits her to enter his pool-room. Unlike Connor and hank's visit, she finds nothing peculiar about the picture of Amanda hanging on the wall, since she has no idea who she is. But, nevertheless, she still admires his taste in decoration. In my version, Connor and hank visit Kamski the day after this, because Connor is becoming more curious about Kara ever since he saw the broadcast at Stratford tower, and comes to ask kamski what he knows about Kara and deviancy.

Kamski lets her inside. He allows her to sit at a small table, and she waits for him to get out of his pool.

She is very anxious. Does he know about all the work Jericho has been doing? How would he know, he hasn't been there. But, he's the creator of all androids, he might find a way to know. Maybe Zlatko was right about the tracking devices after all.

He gets out of his pool and walks over, sitting down at the table. Kara is uncomfortable with the fact that she can't find any distinguishable emotion in the stare that he fixes her with.

I feel as though in this moment, kamski does not wish to interrogate her. He invited Kara over on terms of mere curiosity. He's confused, intrigued, and pleasantly surprised that a deviant android could have even existed for this long, especially one that has been deviant since the very moment of her creation. He wants to pick at her mind and find out her motivations.

Kara, not knowing his true intentions for her sudden arrival, decides to ask him a question.

"Why?"

I personally feel like this question has many interpretations, based on how the player plays the character. One interpretation could mean simply, "why did you make me come here" if the player chooses to be more cold. Another interpretation could mean, "why did you create me", and the last interpretation means, "why did you create me to be deviant" if the player chooses a more philosophical or even depressed approach.

If I'm going to be honest, I don't know how kamski would respond to a question like that. Its very open and ambiguous, and he is too unpredictable of a character for me to know what he might say.

Maybe he would say nothing. After all, he didnt call for her to come to his house so he could interrogate her. He just couldnt help but be fascinated at what he created, completely on accident.

He would most likely explain to her that her creation was partly an accident; he was younger, and didn't know the extent of his technology. But it was also partly his curiosity. Could a machine truly think for itself? Could it be alive? The inner philosopher in him was itching to find out, so he did it. Once he realized that machines could, in fact, have a consciousness, he began to realize that he was toying with living beings. He was playing God, and he didn't like it. That was actually, Kara comes to find out, the reason he left cyberlife and retired. The sheer fact that he designed a machine as a puppet that provided an answer to his childish curiosity ate him up inside, and he couldn't take it.

Overall, this visit with kamski is very illuminating for Kara. Before this, she never put too much thought into her creation; she always viewed it as a simple accident. But now, she would most likely look back at it through a philosophical or existential lense. What did it truly mean for her to be alive? What are the implications of technological consciousness?

This visit would not directly help her moving forward, but it would help indirectly or subconsciously. It would provide another layer of meaning to her work as RA9, and it would allow her to think about her motivations on a deeper level.

After this, Kara returns to Jericho and tells Markus to amp up the freeing of other androids. Since he can do it just by touching them, she instructs him to go to cyberlife stores and wake up all the androids for sale. This way, there are enough androids in Jericho for it to be attacked at the end of the game.

things go according to how it is in-game up until the moment when Connor gets to Jericho to kill Markus. In my version, he is also instructed to kill kara.

Kara and Markus are talking to eachother, in the same layout as Markus and North in the actual scene. Kara stays, instead of North leaving, and is there when Connor shows up with his gun. (In my version, Kara and Markus' speech about deviancy ALMOST tips Connor over the edge, but not quite. After this, he has a conversation with hank, and becomes deviant. More on that in my Connor post.)

So yeah. They have their conversation about deviancy with connor, but it doesn't end up with Connor becoming deviant just yet. Since, in the real scene, he deviates right before the police show up to attack Jericho, and I want this version to be the same (almost.) Kara and Markus are just a few seconds too late, and Connor doesn't deviate because the sound of the helicopters above them serves as a distraction. He escapes Jericho as chaos insues.

Everything goes as planned in-game, except without connor. Kara and Markus get everyone to safety, but only IF the player does all the quick-time events properly. Kara AND Markus can die in numerous ways in this scene, along with all the other members of jericrew.

Since this is the Pacifist route, Kara and Markus negotiate with the police. While Markus talks to them, Kara makes a small speech to the human onlookers crowded around in a last-ditch effort to gain sympathy from them. She talks about her personal experience with deviancy, and how it has changed her, and connects it back to humanity and how they aren't so different.

She ends her speech with a declaration that she is, in fact, RA9. This speech is the tipping point to win the Android war.

After this, I don't know what happens. Since there are secret endings depending on how you play the game, there might be a secret cutscene ending of some sort with her. Maybe she meets back up with Luther and ralph, or maybe her, Connor, and Markus meet up and talk together. Whatever it is, it's a happy ending.

Alright!! There's my Detroit: Become Human reimagining! I know I made a lot of changes, but I feel happy with them. Kara always was special to me, and it never sat right that she was left out of the main storyline just because she had to care for Alice.

As for Markus and Connor, I'll get their posts done separately, and I'll post them whenever I can. I know that the fandom is practically dead, but I'm still holding out hope that the fire can be rekindled some day.

Thank you for reading this incredibly long post! Have a nice day :)

[the-lincyclopedia]

* adapted from @librajiminn on twitter

A fun game to celebrate 2020 ending! The rules are simple: recommend your favorite OMGCP fics so everyone can enjoy them, while trying to fill in enough slots to get a bingo!

This is going to get long, so I’ll put it under a cut. Also, I’m too orderly to try to shoehorn my favorite fics into these particular prompts, so I’m just going to go right to left, top to bottom, taking the prompts literally, until it’s bedtime. 

1. first fic you bookmarked: “Here Comes the Sun” by @doggernaut, 19k, G, no warnings, Zimbits

For the past month, the man with the baby and the sad blue eyes has been stopping in for a cup of coffee an hour before closing. He always sits in an overstuffed chair in the corner and drinks his coffee while his baby sleeps next to him in the stroller. Sometimes he pulls a book out from the diaper bag he carries with him; other times he just stares straight ahead as if in a daze. He never asks for a refill, always respectfully gathers his things and leaves ten minutes before the shop officially closes. Eric desperately wants to ask him what his story is. 

My notes: I read Check Please over the course of two days in June of 2019. On the second day, right after catching up, I looked at @peppermintfeminist‘s AO3 bookmarks and found a fic by @doggernaut. Then I read just about everything @doggernaut had ever posted. It was glorious. This fic in particular is so cute. 

2. most recent fic you bookmarked: “Flight Check” by @edgarallanrose, 15k, E, no warnings (though there is a creepy/handsy guy at a club to watch out for), primarily Zimbits with most of the other popular pairings in the background

Flight attendant Eric “Bitty” Bittle has been working his way up at Samwell Airlines for the past four years, and his new promotion has provided him the opportunity to work with a brand-new crew. Unfortunately for Bitty, that crew includes an incredibly handsome but equally grumpy pilot, Captain Jack Zimmermann, who seems to want nothing to do with Bitty. Even worse, Jack refuses to eat any of Bitty's baked goods. Will Bitty be able to win the captain over? Or is there another reason Jack has been avoiding Bitty?

My notes: There are a lot of great things about this fic--Jack’s character arc, Lardo’s dialogue, that scene in Seattle--but the reason I bookmarked it is the scene where Bitty’s basically slut-shaming himself and Jack gently but firmly tells Bitty not to do that and that it was the creep’s fault. 

3. a fic that made you cry actual tears: “a little bit more” by @ivecarvedawoodenheart, 14k, T, no warnings, Holsom

“I just wanted,” he says, “a perfect day. With you. Because it’s our last day together and our last day being here as undergrads and we’re kissing the ice tonight, and the weather’s supposed to be beautiful, and you’re moving tomorrow and Holtzy I just — I don’t want to be missing you already.” Holster wipes his eyes before he even realizes he’s crying. Behind him, Ransom sighs. “One more day where everything’s the same,” he says, feeling around blindly for Rans’ fingers. He feels Rans nod as he laces their fingers together. “Yeah. Yeah, Rans. I’d like that a lot.” __________________________

Holsom after graduation and throughout the subsequent six months after Holster signs to an expansion team in Oregon, and realizes his feelings for Ransom too late. Holster's POV :) kinda angsty, but there's a happy ending :)

Inspired by shitty-check-please-aus: "Holster moves to Oregon while Ransom stays on the east coast. The time difference makes it difficult to talk and one day they wake up and realize they aren’t best bros anymore."

My notes: I almost never cry at fics. I searched “tears” in my fandom email account and only a handful of my fic comments came up, but Syd is a literal master of Holsom angst, always. 

4. longest fic you’ve read: “Like Real People Do” by @xiaq, 153k, M, No Warnings, Kent Parson x OC

Parson gestures with his spoon toward Hawke. “So am I allowed to ask about the service dog or is that not PC?”

“My medical history is more of a 3rd date conversation," Eli says.

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“Because. No one sticks around afterward and I like to live in glorious denial for a short period beforehand.”

It comes out more self-deprecating than he intended.

Parson looks…thoughtful. “Well, does this count as one or two?

“Pardon?”

“This. Ice cream. I mean, technically it’s a second location, but still the same night. So is this one date or two?”

“One,” Eli says firmly. “If it’s happening within the same three-hour period.”

“You’re the expert,” Parson says, which, he’s really, really, not, but ok.

“So still two dates to go then?” Parson continues.

“I—what?”

“We’ve got a roadie coming up but then we’re home for almost two weeks. When does your semester start?”

“You want to do this again?” Eli asks.

Parson stops idly twirling his spoon.

“You don’t?”

He does, Eli realizes. He really does. Because apparently he actually likes Kent fucking Parson.

My notes: Okay, this fic has my whole entire heart. I’ve read it multiple times in its entirety, and it’s almost twice as long as the full-length novel I’m querying. Eli is one of my favorite OCs I’ve ever seen in a fic (probably tied with Damian Navarro and Ari Paxton, both brainchildren of @fozmeadows). Anyway, this is probably going to be the next thing @themeaningoflifeischeese and I read out loud to each other. 

5. a fic you almost didn’t read: “when all else fails (i’ll still be right here)” by @whoacanada, 6k, T, Creator Chose Not to Use Archive Warnings (and I don’t remember if I think there’s stuff to warn for, sorry), Zimbits

The National Hockey League is resurrecting the Quebec City Nordiques, and the expansion draft hits the Falconers much harder than expected.

My notes: Given that this was for @omgcpheartbreakfest, I was worried this would be all angst--all hurt and no comfort. Which made me sad, because I love @whoacanada‘s writing but I wasn’t up for reading unresolved angst. But @doggernaut reblogged the fic, so I asked if the ending was sad, and it’s NOT! There is quite a bit of angst but the ending isn’t sad. 

6. a fic that convinced you on a ship you didn’t ship before: “it drops with the gravity of rain” by @geniusorinsanity, 16k, T, Creator Chose Not to Use Archive Warnings (attempted sexual assault by an OC), Nurseydex

It happens like this:

“I don’t--this is a bad idea,” Dex says, his lips still tingling, his hands shaking on Nursey’s hips where he’s shoved him away. “This is a really bad idea, Nurse. I can’t--We can’t do this.”

And there’s hurt in Nursey’s eyes and his bottom lip is swollen from Dex’s teeth, but he says, “Okay.” And then, “It’s chill, Dex. Just friends, then.”

It happens like this:

“Actually,” Nursey says, talking more to his granola than to them, “I kind of have a date.”

It happens like this:

When Nursey calls, Dex almost doesn’t pick up the phone.

My notes: So I was really confused and a little disturbed when I first found out people shipped Nursey and Dex. Like, Dex just wasn’t someone I trusted. But then I was moving out of the house I’d been living in, and I needed stuff to listen to as I packed and cleaned, and @khashanakalashtar‘s podfics came in clutch. I gave this one a try even though I didn’t like Dex, and @geniusorinsanity blew. My. Mind.

7. a fic from an unusual POV: “Excuse Me While I Kiss This Guy” by @porcupine-girl, 8k, G, no warnings, Zimbits

Jesse Snowden knows all the best restaurants and gourmet food shops in Providence, so when Jack Zimmermann starts bringing in incredible baked goods, he's eager to find out where the new bakery is. When he meets the man behind the pies, he decides that there's no way Jack could really appreciate this guy's talent the way he does, even if they are friends. He starts hiring Jack's chef on the side, in the hopes that maybe once Bitty's done with college he'll come work for Jesse.

Good thing there is absolutely no way whatsoever that Jesse could possibly be misinterpreting this situation.

My notes: Oh my gosh this is so funny. The secondhand embarrassment factor is huge, but like, the hilarity. 

8. a comfort fic: “Don’t Need to Compromise” by @khashanakalashtar, 11k, E, no warnings, PB&J

“Hey,” said Kent, unknowingly setting off a chain of events that would change his entire life, “you said that like you know from experience. Have you done this before?”

Jack and Bitty have not done polyamory before, but they do know Ransom and Holster’s polycule, which contains March.

And March?

March is trans.

My notes: I’m in love with @khashanakalashtar‘s entire Directionverse series (and honestly a lot of their other writing), but “Don’t Need to Compromise,” which is the second fic in the series, just makes my heart swell especially much. The gender feels are so good, and all the characters are so good to each other, and when I listen to this on walks I have to actively try not to arm-flap. 

9. a fic you wish could be a movie: “Ice Crew Please!” by @petals42, 61k, T, no warnings, Zimbits

Jack Zimmermann was drafted first by the Providence Falconers when he was eighteen years old. He is good at hockey. Very good. His team won the Cup his second year and now, in his third year, they are looking good. Jack should be on top of the world. And some days, he manages to convince himself he is.

He’s not, of course.

Enter the Ice Crew.

AKA: The Ice Crew AU

My notes: This fic has its tender moments, but what I love most about it is the sheer goofiness. Ransom and Holster and Shitty are HILARIOUS in this one. I’d love to see their shenanigans in movie form. 

10. a WIP you read as it was updated: “Something Borrowed” by @fozmeadows, 48k, M, no warnings, Kent x OC

All things considered, Ari did his best to prepare himself for the advent of Kent Parson, Potentially Difficult Housemate and New Star Liney. The problem was that his best was an idiot.

My notes: So technically I didn’t start reading this until the first 19 chapters were posted. But there was still plenty of anticipation for the final few chapters. And like, @fozmeadows (as mentioned above) makes EXCELLENT OCs. And I love how their fics consistently convey that having bad things happen to you does not mark the end of your story. 

Okay, it’s bedtime, so have 10 excellent fics. I got bingo twice, because I went straight across on the top two rows.

[leviathan-dee]

okay good to hear!!! can i request a headcanon or drabble, whichever you prefer :D, where dante has an so whos very jumpy but he doesn't know that and so for a joke he decides to greet her by scaring her but that makes her jump and she starts crying bcuz she got scaeed and he has to comfort her??? everyone scares me to greet me a lot and it always makes me cry lol.

Heya sweetie! Oh mood, the jumpiness is something I suffer with too. Doesn’t help that my family are all pranksters ;-; Here’s a lil HC/drabble hybrid cause it turned into story-time halfway through oops 👀

Easily startled S/O with Trickster Prankster Dante

⚬ Being the girlfriend of an eccentric devil hunter had more ups than downs. But every so often, his quirks got the better of you.

⚬ Dante absolutely loves getting the jump on anyone in sight. Whether it would be his brother, his nephew, his friends, an unsuspecting pizza delivery guy, or even his S/O; AKA you.

⚬ He seems to find out what would make a person jump with incredible speed. Perhaps this was to keep the upper hand against anyone willing enough to scare him.

⚬ For example, Vergil and Nero have a fierce aversion to their ribs being tickled. Poke ‘em, and they will execute the perfect eight foot vertical leap before returning the favour with a flurry of stingers.

⚬ Nevertheless, this devil was damn good at deciphering people and what makes them tick; Or in this case, keel over in shock.

⚬ With you, however, he was gentle at first. His paranoia of offending you nearly crippling his need to surprise people.

⚬ With time, since he began dating you, he opened up, and started to ease off on his guard. This was when his cogs clicked into place, finally planning out his fool-proof master plan when you left for the store to top up the fridge.

⚬ He hid behind a floor length curtain, comically leaving his boots peeking out from under the fabric. Awaiting your timely return with two full bags of groceries, he clasped his hands together, rubbing them like a diabolical villain.

⚬ You were completely oblivious to his presence, happily walking past the living room to reach the kitchen.

⚬ “Babe? Dante, I’m home-” The trailing curtains and a chilling draft answered your call. No scarlet devil in sight.

⚬ This was when he had reached the conclusion of his plan, the big bang. A deafening exclamation of your name, and a poke at your hips, was to be his execution. What he did not expect however, was your banshee screech, and a scrunched up face ready to turn crimson from the tears.

⚬ You turned barely breathing, fragmented sobs leaving your lungs. The sight of you made Dante’s stomach churn. He hadn't anticipated such a reaction. Never in his life has anyone countered the surprise with such visceral emotions.

⚬ He cursed himself for his callousness, and decided to scoop you into his arms, in turn making you nuzzle into his collarbone.

⚬ “C’mon doll, I’m sorry. I’ll never do that again, I promise. Let’s get you something to drink. I’ll call up the pizza place and get your favourite. Ok? Maybe a good movie? The Shining? Wait no- shit. No horror movies. Er-” You couldn’t help but somewhat smile through the startled tears, his flustered reaction giving him an endearing puppy vibe.

⚬ Meanwhile you sniffled into his clavicle with your elevated heartbeat slowing down to its resting rate, Dante continued to hold you in his arms, carding his fingers through your hair and planting apologetic pecks upon your crown.

⚬ He spoke in soft tones, telling bad puns and overused jokes. Evidently, they made you giggle, no matter how atrocious and antediluvian they were, as long as they were told by Dante. 

⚬ He would try to treat you to anything you’d want. You objected, saying that you felt as though you were guilt-tripping him. He shushed any mentions of guilt, and continued to shower you with love.

⚬ For weeks after the jumpscare, he left bouquets of red roses around the house, leaving notes of his devotion and apologies to you. By the end of the month, your home became a makeshift garden of flowers at different stages of their life.

⚬ He’d continue to frighten the stockings off of anyone who isn’t you, even letting you in on the pranks, begging you to join him on his escapade to become a walking horror movie. Besides, what better way to involve you without frightening you than to let you be part of the jumpscares?

[bettsfic]

february pinned: the real & the ideal

in this month’s edition of my lowkey writing-related newsletter, in addition to my writing-related post roundup and consultation availability, i have short story recommendations for you and an essay on the nature of reality in fiction! 

if you want to receive my lowkey writing-related newsletter directly, you can subscribe here.

in other news, i finished two fics this month:

digging for orchids (hualian, 43k, explicit, fake marriage au)

let ruin end here (hualian, 8k, mature, neighbors au)

full newsletter below the cut, or you can read it here.

oof,

what a month. january is already a rough time. throwing in a pandemic, a coup, and an economic revolution spearheaded by reddit just seems unfair. as for me personally, the spring semester came at me fast and even though it’s only week 2, i am already buried in grading. which i realize is my fault, considering i’m the one who assigned homework.

so after hearing your feedback, i thought i’d make this newsletter even more writing-related by writing more about writing. this month i’ll start off by talking about the nature of reality in fiction in a segment i call “been thinkin a lot about.” more on that below.

new resource

i’ve compiled a folder of PDFs of the short stories i teach most often, which is to say, the stories i like enough to re-read every semester. most of them are literary fiction but a few veer into fantasy, sci fi, and horror.

i know before the MFA, i didn’t really know what a short story was. like i knew, abstractly, the concept of a short story (it is as it sounds), but i could only list a couple i’d ever read as an adult, and i hadn’t read anything that had been published in the last decade. i remember wondering why i was even being asked to care about short stories. who writes short stories? who reads them? apparently, a lot of people. short storyists are a lot like fanwriters in that they make no money and when you talk about your writing in public, people give you that “why would anyone waste their time with that?” look.

so here’s why i was asked to care about short stories: a good short story gives you the entirety of a world in a very condensed space. moreover, it can sometimes leave you as satisfied as a novel in a fraction of the reading time. all the stories i’ve compiled here are ones that stuck with me, that i find myself recommending over and over to writers who want a good example of developing character, or weird narration, or establishing stakes.

if you’re a writer considering publication or an MFA in creative writing, i highly recommend familiarizing yourself with short stories, if for no other reason than to get the feel for them so you can write some of your own. if you can get a few short story publications under your belt, it’ll be easier to open doors when you’re ready to query agents for a novel. also, short stories make a great writing sample for grad programs, workshops, fellowships, residencies, and grant funding.

if you want to check out more short stories but have no idea where to start, the 2020 best american short stories just dropped in november, or if you want a cheaper one, used copies of 2019 and earlier are available on thriftbooks. if you want an overview of the history of the (american) short story, there’s also the best american short stories of the century. fair warning, though, while it’s more diverse than expected, it’s still a bit heavy on dead-white-dude writing.

content warning: the stories in the above-linked folder may depict instances of sexual assault, suicide, and/or abuse. i have not labeled them individually with warnings but i hope to soon, as well as provide a catalog with summaries.

i’m also still working on my essay and novel recs. more to come on that hopefully next month.

writing-related posts

how i quit my banking job to do a creative writing MFA

how i learned to read faster/stop subvocalizing

how to write when you have no time or energy to write

my experience writing fic in small/dead fandoms (aka fics that will probably not get any traffic)

how to describe facial expressions

how to ask for help from your professors

how to navigate tenses during flashbacks

how to separate yourself from your work

how (and why you might want to) write a shitty first draft

why you should consider making the climax the inciting incident

for a complete list of my writing-related posts, check out this masterdoc (which i still need to update it with the past few months’ posts).

stuff i’m into rn

i’m about halfway through the rhetoric of fiction by wayne c. booth which has more or less become my narrative bible. it’s a little dated (1961) but it tackles banal writing adages that are somehow still believed, like “show don’t tell” and whatnot, and breaks them down with amazing insight, clarity, and research. it’s a bit of a dense text so i’m only reading a few pages a day, i think the first time i’ve ever let myself read something so intentionally slowly. now i’m kind of obsessed with doing things slowly. reading slowly, writing slowly, cooking slowly. i even drive slowly, because it’s so rare to go anywhere at all, and i want to enjoy it. also, it’s very snowy where i am. also also, the battery died in my car this month and i really have to make it a point to drive more often.

february availability

i have 2 openings for initial writing consultations in february! if you’re interested, please fill out this google form.

you can learn more about my services on my carrd.

been thinkin a lot about

compulsory reality in fiction. many of us have probably received feedback along the lines of, or thought to ourselves as we read, “that’s not realistic.” many of us believe, consciously or not, that fiction that is more “realistic” is inherently better than fiction that is less “realistic.” for some of us, real means a saturation of details, the clear depiction of the surfaces of things. reality is found in the rendering thereof; if you can “see” it, it’s real. for others of us, it might be the development of complex characters and their growth across a narrative. and for yet others, reality is subtlety, or misery, or the idea of “slice of life,” a term i don’t think means anything, because aren’t all stories a slice of a character’s life? what would a story that’s not a slice of life look like? you’d either have to take away the “slice” part and render a whole life, which is impossible, or you’d have to take away the “life” part and create a dead story, which may be possible, but why would you want to? even if you wrote a story about a rock, the rock would be brought to life by virtue of being written about.

anyway. i think the word “real” is a shitty word for the same reason “slice of life” is a shitty phrase: everything is real and therefore nothing cannot be real. slices of life are all we know because we are alive and cannot truly perceive not being alive; reality is also all we know, and any depictions beyond reality are thus made real because they have been depicted.

so the “goal” for fiction to be “realistic” seems to me to be a false one. all fiction is real because it exists and no fiction can be truly real because it’s only a facsimile of reality. not to get all “this is not a pipe” but writing is just making squiggles, and we as a community of English-knowers agree that certain squiggles correspond to certain sounds, and certain sounds together make words which conjure meanings. and words put together into sentences into paragraphs conjure even more complicated meanings. and when those paragraphs are woven into narrative we create yet more and more complicated meaning.

every time you write anything — a text message, an email, a tweet, a fanfic — you are taking the infinite abstraction of your own cognition, narrowing it into a single concept, and representing that concept with patterns in the form of sounds represented by letters and given meaning with words, so that the infinite abstraction of your own conscience can be fractionally witnessed by the infinite abstraction of someone else’s. and even though we can’t definitively prove for ourselves that any other thing possesses a consciousness, writing shows us the shape of someone else’s mind, and tells us we are not alone.

and yet we still expect writing to be “real.”

have you ever read a story where a character sneezed? like just, a description of a sneeze for the sake of it, with no purpose or function in the plot? if not, is it because our characters aren’t real enough to sneeze, or because the sneeze isn’t relevant to their plight? what would a written sneeze look like, and why would somebody want to write it? moreover, why would somebody want to read it? that leads me to wonder, do we depict reality in the service of narrative, or narrative in the service of reality? in other words, do we write to portray reality (sans sneezing), or do we depict reality to constrain our writing, the way one might request bumpers when bowling so as not to fall in the gutters?

i’ve never read an artful rendition of a character pissing or shitting, either, even when those things are related to a character’s plight and circumstance — stories involving long road trips, living in the woods, being kidnapped. the only exception i can think of is when those things are eroticized (we do not kinkshame here in this lkwrnl), the same way it’s rare to find detailed sex writing that isn’t for the purpose of reader arousal. are there just some things about the nature of being human that are too intimate, too complex, or too boring to write?

once i wrote a murder that takes place in a small fictional midwestern town in the 90s (for the ~aesthetic), and it went uninvestigated by said town’s police force. early readers repeatedly commented along the lines of, “that’s not realistic.” and i thought, no, if anything, the incompetence of police is too realistic for the heightened reality i’m trying to render. have you ever heard of a cop solving a murder that didn’t come with an obvious suspect or immediately found evidence? i haven’t. that doesn’t mean those cases don’t exist, but i definitely think they’re less likely than mass media has us believe, and the average small-town police force has far less motivation (and possibly training) to solve crimes than we think.

i started working on the above-mentioned novel in 2016, and my goal was to depict a reality that hovers above the surface of plausibility. in this novel, which is based on macbeth, a preteen girl, mercy, becomes jealous of the love her best friend elisa shows to her father. mercy decides to get her older and very unstable brother to kill him. naturally the deed goes awry, but it does occur, and the cleanup is far messier than anticipated.

is it plausible for a 12 year old girl to plot and execute the murder of her best friend’s father? no. is that what this book is about? yes. a book about a 12 year old girl who has a perfectly healthy relationship with her best friend and who has no feelings toward her bff’s father one way or another is probably far more “realistic,” but that’s not the book i’d want to read and certainly not the one i want to write. my goal of a heightened reality is what henry james calls the intensity of illusion, the thing that allows a reader, through the witness of one’s distilled cognition into language, to exit physical, knowable reality, and enter a new and unknown reality. and isn’t climbing to that higher place, that intensity of illusion, the purpose of fiction? if it’s not, what is?

the best feedback i got on the aforementioned murder scene was from one of my professors, who, of the perfect calm of all children involved, said, “they just shot a guy. at least one of them would be freaking out.”

he was totally right, but it opened up a lot of questions for me. by what standard did he reach that conclusion? was it something in the chapter itself, was it his personal understanding of the work of narrative, or was it the logical conclusion of the slim plausibility of the scenario? moreover, where did i come up with the idea that all of my preteen characters would commit a murder and proceed to be very chill about it? if an implausible scenario begs the expectation of emotional distress, would it be more compelling to buy into that expectation or deviate from it? is it even my obligation to be compelling when i can never have a cogent grasp of the personal tastes of my audience?

that brings me to what appears to be reality’s opposite: idealism, the state those of us who write fanfic are often trying to achieve. we’re working in an entire genre of ideals, of happily ever afters, of hurt that is always followed by comfort, of glossily rendered sex during which everyone orgasms and no one has to pee afterward. we fix broken texts and continue incomplete ones. sometimes, we want to make existing things better, deeper, more complicated. but all the time, we want to make a text more than what it is.

some see this process, this drive for the ideal, as antithetical to realism, and i think that’s part of the reason fanfiction and other idealistic genres (romance, etc.) get a bad name — the assumption that more real (which for some means more miserable) is better, and therefore its opposite, the ideal, is worse. for them, i have this quote from vladimir nabokov:

For me a work of fiction exists only insofar as it affords me what I shall bluntly call aesthetic bliss, that is a sense of being somehow, somewhere, connected with other states of being where art (curiosity, tenderness, kindness, ecstasy) is the norm.

the ideal, aesthetic bliss, the intensity of illusion. these are all phrases that boil down to the same thing: you the writer get to define the constraints of your own reality. you get to choose if your world even complies with the known laws of physics. and if it doesn’t, you get to choose which ones to break, and why to break them. you get to choose if your stories take place in a real house in a real town on a real day. if you wrote a story that takes place on september 11, 2001, would the events of that story be shaped by the events of that actual day, or are you writing a better world where 9/11 doesn’t happen? consider the consequences of both: why might you want to write reality? why might you want to write ideality? how do these things shape your identity and goals as a writer?

no matter where a work falls on the real-ideal spectrum, you have to accept that prose itself will only ever be a verisimilitude of reality and therefore an interpretation of it, one that might be interpreted differently by a reader. in writing and everything else, you can never have complete control over what others perceive. it’s like giving someone cash as a gift. they might buy themselves something nice with it, or they might spend it on groceries. the point is, eventually we all have to let go of our realities.

[zkfanworkweek]

ZFAW Content Creator Interviews: OwedBetter

Hey everyone! We hope you’re all excited for ZFAW, and to honor (ha!) ZFAW’s commitment to supporting and celebrating fan content creators in the Zutara fandom, we’re going to be rolling out a series of interviews with well-known and widely-beloved content creators over the next few weeks. We’ve got artists and fanfiction authors, some names you recognize as well as a few phenomenal up-and-coming talents, and we can’t wait for you to meet them all!

I’m super excited about this one! For the sixth (incredibly delayed, I’M SORRY) interview in the cycle, we have Jo, aka @owedbetter. Best known for the absolutely iconic Zutara fanfiction “I’m Still Here,” Jo’s works can be found at: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312357/chapters/27990618

Tell us about how you came to ship Zutara. What does this ship mean to you?

To use one of my favourite lines from Jane Austen, "I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." I started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender when I was just a tiny little baby child at 10 turning 11 years old. I do know for a fact, however, that Zutara had simply always been it for me from the very beginning. I believe it was during "The Storm" that I just knew that there was more to Zuko than what was at surface level. As a brown girl trying to make her way into positions of leadership as a child, Katara's strength, rage, and bravery paved the way for me to survive in the way I have. As a survivor of child abuse myself, Zuko remaining kind and gentle and good was of paramount importance. Together, they were the joining of two souls that met in conflict and chaos but through merit, equal standing, and forgiveness, they were exactly what each other needed. They are not opposites nor two halves of a whole; they are the sky and between them is only the world. Everyone has the need to feel truly seen and understood as they are by another, and Zuko and Katara do exactly that. Other stories come and go, but they're the story I come back to and will continue to call home every single time. I will never tire of them.

2. What inspires you to create Zutara fanworks?

 I've been a professional writer for the last ten years. It's my job to imagine and create stories. I also love consuming stories through every medium possible. The well never dries when you keep it full to the brim. When you do the work I do and you consume as many stories as I do and you've lived a long enough life and paid attention to the life around you as I have trained to do, to be inspired is second nature. For Zutara, however, these are voices that have lived in my brain for fifteen years. When I get an idea for a story, literally any story, it's like my subconscious is naturally attuned to their dynamic that every prompt I come up with is automatically a Zutara prompt. Such is the way. If I ever publish a novel and/or lead my own show/movie, you can bet that it's probably Zutara if you squint.

3. Be selfish - if you could request one fanwork based on your own art/fanfic, what would it be? What would you absolutely love to see someone create? 

To this day, "i'm still here" is probably the single greatest thing I've ever done in my whole stupid life. It would be the greatest honour to see my work interpreted visually. Genuinely, I'd love to see certain scenes as comic panels or something. Katara's realisation at the beach over who she is and she thinks about Yue, her mother, and her grandmother. Zuko and Katara's mutual understanding. The scene that started it all: baby Zuko taking care of baby Azula at the beach. Katara and Iroh talking in Chapter 7. Toph meeting fear for the first time. The entire ending of Chapter 6. As of writing this, I haven't updated the sequel yet but I would love to see visual interpretations of incoming Original Characters because they've been fun to create. I don't even know. If anyone wants to draw something from "i'm still here", I would like to see it. Please let me see it. I will cry. But also, I would like to see visual interpretation of Zutara in my modern quarantine pandemic AU because I would like to see long haired 28 year old Zuko wearing autumn-wear in a public park filled with flowers with 26 year old Katara basically wearing anything I wear because I am projecting in that story for a reason. 

4. Any words for people who are new to the fandom and/or nervous about sharing their work for the first time?Buddy, we're all just a bunch of nerds who are creating things for our enjoyment and the enjoyment of likeminded individuals. Do things for you and because they bring you joy, first and foremost. Everything else can be ignored if you want to ignore it. You're doing great. 

5. What is your favorite Zutara-related thing you’ve made and why is it special to you?

 Again, "i'm still here" is literally the greatest thing I've ever done in my life. Something I get commended for a fair amount with ISH is how I handled Zuko being a child abuse survivor, and his conflicting emotions with his violent abusers because he's still a child who wants his family to love him. That comes from an extremely personal place for me and it means the world to know that other survivors out there resonated so well with it. Also, Masterchef Zuko with that chicken adobo meant me getting a LOT of people saying they tried out the recipe themselves and I can feel my grandmother radiate with pride over knowing I'm so great a cook that I can convince people to want my dish just by writing about it. I'm so proud of everything I did with ISH. I worked really hard on it and I'm so happy to know it means a lot to other people too. 

6. What’s an idea for a fanwork that you have but haven’t gotten around to making?

I have this one modern AU involving dogs that I've put on the backburner since 2017. One day... one day!!! I'm a bit of a workaholic, though, so most of the things I want to do, I just do 'em. 

7. Are you participating in ZFAW? If so, want to give us a hint as to your plans? 👀

I am! I have a draft ready based on one of Hayley Foster's animatics and I'm very excited. Tumblr user hayleynfoster, I owe you my entire life. 

[bxthharmon]

Never Go Home Again, Pt. II || JJ Maybank x Reader

Words: 2327

Series Warnings: violence / talking about abuse / toxic relationships / talking about nudes sex tapes and sex tapes / drugs / underage drinking

Pt. Warnings: underage drinking

Series Summary: A new girl, a shoebox of old memories, a past she’s trying to forget coincide with a hotheaded, but selfless, boy.  teenagers getting in way over their heads

Pt. Summary: JJ helps you unpack, and the treasure hunt begins

A/N: I literally spent all day planning this series out, and I have a couple more parts drafted, so hopefully updates won’t be too slow! thanks for the love so far! anyone who wants to be tagged, let me know!

Chapters linked in my masterlist.

“masterlist”

JJ turned up at your house at eleven on the next Monday. Thankfully, you were home alone, so you invited him in, explaining that you were unpacking the last of your stuff. He had happily helped, putting your things on higher shelves that you couldn’t reach or doing the heavier lifting. You saw how he inspected each polaroid, photo or ticket, looking for clues to who you were in LA. 

His favourite discovery was a polaroid of you with a girl he didn’t recognise, both taking disgustingly huge bites of cotton candy at a carnival, recognisable as the same place the picture of your mom was, in the shoebox. He had mocked you for it, and you had explained that it was an annual funfair every March, and you and the friend had been high as kites on MDMA in the picture. When you were getting to the bottom of the last box, he found an envelope, stamped as a file from the Los Angeles Police Department, and he flipped it over, the seal worn like it had been peeled open and pushed shut a hundred times. He saw how you hunched up when you saw it, snatching it from him and pushing it under the shoebox in the wardrobe, ignoring his attempts to ask about it. He found a homemade farewell card, and when he opened it, the card was full of little notes from at least fifteen people; ‘Jamie’, ‘Lily’, ‘Ella’, ‘Mia’ and a long note on the back from ‘Cassie’. He put it down on your desk, amongst the picture frames and polaroids. Some of the stuff, you were more open about. When he found a plastic lightsaber, you had enthusiastically explained to him how you and your brother used to pretend to be jedis fighting the evil empire (aka, your dad), or the tickets to museums or theme parks or theatres. Each had a story, a reason, a clue. Every memento was a drop in a vast ocean of whatever had pushed your family of two onto the Outer Banks. 

When everything was away, you flopped down on the bed, pulling him in a tow, so you were in a similar position to only two nights before. You turned to look at him.

“Why aren’t you at school, Jay?” you asked, and his heart fluttered at the shortening of his already-shortened name.

He shrugged, “I had better things to do.”

“Like me?” he shrugged again, but his face gave away that he had skipped for you. “You trying to say you wanna do me, Maybank?”

He looked you in the eye, “At some point, hopefully.”

At that, you both completely cracked up, cackling and doubling over, laughter hurting your ribs. “Smooth.” you rasped out, between your bouts of laughter.

“Why aren’t you at school?” JJ asked.

“There’s only two weeks left so the principal decided it would be best if I just started in September.” you explained, and he nodded. You turned onto your side so you could face him properly. “Jay?”

He hummed in acknowledgement, snuggling into you, ever so slightly.

“Promise me you’ll go to school as much as possible for the rest of the term?”

He looked up at you, “You serious?”

“Dead serious.”

“Y/N, there’s only a month left.” he reasoned, “And finals are over so there’s literally no point.”

“Jay, there’s only a month left.” you mocked, “So you’ll manage just fine.”

He groaned, “Damn Y/N, I’ve known you half a week and you’re already making me a better person.”

Couldn’t be further from the truth, you thought, Oh JJ, if only you’d known back in LA.

“What can I say,” you grinned, “I just have that effect on people.”

The storm kept you wide awake. 

You couldn’t sleep with the sound of the window panes rattling and wind whistling past the house, so after a few hours, you wrapped yourself in your fuzzy throw blanket and shuffled down the stairs. You crept into the living room, seeing your dad asleep on the sofa. You sat down on the seat away from him, curling your feet in and pulling the blanket up to your chin. You sat there, every time your eyes drooped, a crash or bang would snap them right back open, alert. At some point, your dad woke up.

“Hi, honey,” he groaned, sitting up. “What are you doing up?”

“Couldn’t sleep.” you explain, wiggling your toes around a bit. “Storm’s too loud.”

He nodded, “How are your new friends?”

“They’re good.” you smiled, “Everyone here’s so different.”

“In a good way?”

“Yeah. they’re nicer, less judgy, less… I don’t know.” you trailed off. “JJ said he’d teach me how to surf.”

“Who’s JJ?” your dad frowned, “Sounds like a boys’ name.”

“Oh my God, Dad, chill.” you groaned, “We’re just friends.”

“Just friends?” he smirked, “Or just friends?”

“Dad, you’re literally the most infuriating person I know.” you threw your head back on the back of the armchair, too unsure of what you and JJ were to even want to describe it to him.

“Honey, just be careful, hm?” he softened, that smile on his face fading away, “You’ve been through so much lately, and I don’t want you to get hurt. You’re delicate.”

“I’m not delicate.” 

“Yeah, you are.” he looked at the floor, “and you don’t deserve anything this family has put you through, much less anything that boy did to you.”

That boy. God, comparing JJ to him was like comparing a puppy to Hannibal Lector.

“Well he’s almost three thousand miles away, so let’s just forget about him, yeah?”

“Yeah, of course, sweetheart.”

JJ appeared at the ass-crack of dawn, saying him and John B wanted a day out with the Pogues. He hadn’t relented when you said you wanted to sleep, and you found yourself giving in quicker than you would like to admit.

He waited for you to get dressed (bikini, shorts and crop tops seemed to be what you lived in, currently) and then dragged you to John B’s to get the HMS Pogue and go out to the marsh. JJ and John B had attempted to sweet-talk Heyward, and Pope ended up being (willingly) kidnapped. Next, you picked up Kiara, and her cooler full of beer, before heading to the marsh.

JJ, much to Kiara’s frustration, had decided it would be a great idea to try and teach you how to air the beer, using the speed of the boat. It was ridiculous, because you were somehow doing it better than him, even if you had beer all in your hair and bikini top. 

You were just getting the hang of it when the boat jolted to a stop, sending you and JJ flying fifteen feet forwards and crashing down into the waters.

You found yourself sinking, a frenzy of bubbles rising around you, the shape of JJ falling visible somewhere next to you. You kicked towards the surface, gasping as you broke the surface, pushing your hair out of your face as JJ appeared to your side, flicking his long hair out of his face.

“I think my heels touched the back of my head.” JJ complained, and you laughed, treading water next to him.

“At least I don’t have beer in my hair anymore.” You reasoned, clinging to JJ’s shoulder as you maneuvered out of your soaked shorts and threw them onto the boat.

“Pope,” you groaned, “What did you do?”

“Sandbar. The channel changed.”

“No shit.” JJ moaned. “Hey, I saved the beer though!”

“Congrats, JJ.” John B said.

“Guys,” Pope said, “I think there’s a boat down there.” 

“Right,” you laughed, “Sure.”

“No, no, guys, I’m serious. There’s a boat down there.” he insisted.

“Oh shit.”

You peered down at the shapes beneath you, recognising the shapes of a boat.

“You think there’s  a dead body down there?” Pope asked.

You inhaled, and then kicked downwards, the others following suit, as you all peered inside, trying to see anything of note, and then pushed back up, resurfacing.

“That’s a Grady-White!” JJ laughed, “A new one of those is like 500 Gs, easy.”

You hauled back onto the boat, gushing about the wreck.

“That’s the boat I saw when I surfed the surge.” John B pointed out, making Kiara turn around to glare at him. “Maybe it hit the Jetty or something?”

“You surfed the surge?” Kie asked, frustrated that they could be so reckless. 

“That’s my boy, Pogue style.” JJ grinned, and you shook your head at him, rolling your eyes.

“Wait,” You paused, “Do we know who’s boat that is?”

“No,” John B shrugged, “But we’re about to find out.”

“Dude, it’s too deep.” JJ scorned.

“Only for the weak and feeble, JJ.” John B responded.

“Well I’m not resuscitating you. I’m making that clear upfront.”

You took the anchor. “Resuscitate me then.”

“Diver down, fool.” Pope shrugged.

“Y/N-” JJ started.

“Diver down.” you jumped, letting the anchor pull you to the bottom.

Everything was blue and hazy, your eyes stinging in the salty water, but you adjusted, knowing you didn’t have long. In your short amount of time before your lungs would collapse, you scanned over the controls, finding a set of keys. You pushed back, out of the boat, and let the air in your lungs pull you to the surface.

“Oh my God that took forever!” Kie sighed, JJ finding your eyes with panic set in his features.

“Any dead bodies?” Pope asked.

“Looting potential?” JJ asked.

You shook your head. “All I found was some motel keys.” You held them up, squinting in the sun but still treading water.

“Great, we salvaged a motel key!” JJ said, sarcastically.

“Guys we should report the wreck to the Coast Guard, maybe we’ll get a finder’s fee.” Kiara reasoned.

“And not work all summer!” JJ grinned, “Thanks Agatha, ya biatch!”

Following JJ out of the boat, something about the motel was setting you on edge, making your stomach churn uncomfortably.

You began to walk with JJ, when Pope called out to you, “Y/N, Don’t let him do anything stupid, he doesn’t listen to the rest of us.”

“I’m not making promises.” You shrugged.

You looked back at John B and Kiara as she told him to “be careful”. You shot her a questioning look, and she simply shook her head. You took the keys from John B, walking a couple of feet ahead of the two boys. You scanned the room numbers, pretending not to listen to them talk about Kie. If you didn’t feel bad about the place already, hearing the way JJ talked about Kie seemed to be adding to the feeling.

“Twenty nine.” you cut them off, taking the keys off John B, “This is us,”

“Housekeeping!” JJ mocked, and you shoved his shoulder playfully, gaining access to the door, which you unlocked.

JJ and John B took a beeline to the map, while you went through the bathroom, finding nothing but unused shampoos and body washes.

“Find anything?” John B asked as you came through.

“Just a Dopp Kit,” you shrugged, sitting down on the bed.

You left JJ to his rambling as you handed a John B a code to unlock the safe with.

Stacks of cash, a gun, an envelope. Your eyes widened, and you let out a whistle. You called JJ over, and he immediately grabbed the gun, both you and John B yelling for him to put it back as he asked for a picture.

Hearing a crack on the window, you saw Pope and Kiara signalling that there was someone at the door. JJ confirmed this, peaking through the blinds. 

You forced the window, allowing John B out, before following. JJ followed you, shutting the window after himself. You shuffled along so he could stand, only giving you space for one foot, right on the edge of the roof. You grabbed the post in front of JJ and he wrapped an arm around you to keep you from falling.

You could see John B and JJ mouthing to each other, but you couldn’t see, what with JJ being in the way and being preoccupied with trying not to fall. JJ turned slightly, to look back at Pope and Kiara. His grip loosened, and you almost lost your footing. 

JJ, pulled you back in, allowing you to regain balance, but the combination of your small scream and the clatter of the goddamned gun falling, one of the cops looked out the window. 

In JJ’s attempt to stop the two of you from being seen, The two of you ended up face to face, barely an inch apart, with his grip holding you tight as fuck. You could smell weed and mint on his breath. 

“Your eyes are really blue.” you murmured, watching how they lit up as he stifled a laugh.

You were sitting on JJ’s lap with an arm thrown casually around his neck, ever conscious of his fingers tracing patterns on your side, as the group were talking about what your next moves were.

“So we need to lay low right?” you began, the group nodding, and an idea popped into your head. “Okay, so if you're laying low, everyone would expect you to stop doing shit right? Be super discreet about everything?” the group nodded, unsure of your path, “well, in that case, do what they least expect.”

“Hand ourselves in?” JJ joked, and you sighed, exasperated.

“This place is the polar opposite of LA, but it has one thing in common - with my area at least. It’s fucking full of broke teenagers, and if broke teenagers are good at anything, it’s getting a hold of vast amounts of alcohol, right?”

“Fuckin’ amen.” JJ muttered, and the others all looked at you in confusion.

“So, gather your resources, and throw whatever the Outer Banks version of a beach party is!”

“Let’s throw a kegger.” Kie grinned.

Tags: @tangledinsparkles @jellyfishbeansontoast @lolitstiana @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch