#this is a mutually detrimental situation

[winterinhimring]

ANTS STOP DROWNING YOURSELVES IN MY TEAKETTLE CHALLENGE

[darkmuffinstudios]

[rolls in]

I've always, for the longest time, head-canoned that when Nightmare and Dream ate their respective apples and subsequently fused with them in the process, that they also *became* the apples in a sense?

Basically what I'm saying is that since the tree was cut down/died due to the events of Dreamtale, that they, themselves, became the two sides of the tree. While the tree was in its prime, it regulated all of the emotions and balance in the whole multiverse. However, because of the apple incident, Nightmare and Dream now take on the duty that the tree once had; regulating the emotions of the multiverse individually.

Hence they're constant struggle with one another.

As eternal, long-living beings of their respective roles, I doubt they would stay mad at each other forever- at least to the degree that it was initially after the tragedy in Dreamtale. This would make a truce somewhat inevitable- or at least a mutual understanding and respect for each other's jobs.

(I think this could, of course, vary depending on the way you depict their relationship, backstory, powers, situation, and the story at large)

Anyways, going back to what I was originally getting at before being sidetracked, they are- essentially- the tree itself.

In a weird way, I always thought that it was a little strange that eating the golden apples didn't seem to have any consequences as opposed to the negative ones (example being Nightmare violently being ripped apart and literally dying- but that can be dubious because, from my understanding, that was partially the main antagonist's influence on the apples??).

Again, not addressing canon and what the original had in mind, I think it would be interesting that slowly, over time, the tree starts to grow back through them.

Think of it as a way of aging for these immortals. After all, apples have seeds, so one would assume that they'd eventually sprout after enough time and nourishment (via the abundance of emotions and just generally taking care of themselves). Eventually, they'll have to create their own guardians to carry on their work, and the cycle continues after they die.

What I imagine is a weird mesh of hanahaki disease and the philosophy of cycles, in where when the two twins eventually pass, they will become the new trees in its place. Over time, while doing their jobs and fulfilling their roles, roots may start to sprout from their ribcage, followed by leaves. It would be cute at first, little leaves and branches that are harmless. But then, as time continues, more and more of their body gets overtaken with it.

But again, these changes would happen gradually over the course of their long, LONG lifespans. When it starts getting to the point of detriment to them, then they've probably lived hundreds of lifetimes over already.

I don't know, I just think it's an interesting idea to head-canon about, and a cool excuse to draw the twins with plant-like roots stretching out of them.

(some little examples I have of the idea I've drawn YEARS ago and as of recent. ignore the quality of my old art fosjigjiosjosgijiosg)

(also WIP jumpscare of a Shattered Dream interpretation I have been working on a little oogily boogily osgjiosgs)

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

One massive difference between the western vs JP TWST fandoms that I haven't seen anyone else talk about is that the Japanese fandom seems to dwell in "grimdark" territory while the western one tries to see the best in these characters. From my glimpses into the Japanese fandom, they seem to see these character's darkness as the main appeal. That's reflected in their fanworks, since yandere works or things that dive into their dark sides are more popular there. While there is plenty of yandere content in the west, it seems more like a niche than the most popular way to portray the characters in fics where as in Japan that seems to be the norm on Pixiv. The JP seem to LOVE their grim dark fan theories WAY more than the western one. The western fandom seems like the opposite. Works seeing their humanity, them being decent partners, etc is the norm. Thought?

“I can fix him” vs “I can make him worse”—

Mmm, I have many thoughts on this but before I get into them I want to clarify some things. This is so everyone reading is running with the same definitions and thus can better understand (and perhaps contribute to) the discussion.

Firstly, “grimdark” can refer to any and all materials which people may find disturbing, amoral, and/or violent. Grimdark is NOT just yandere content. Although yandere content is an example of grimdark, not all grimdark is yandere.

Secondly, I want to dispel the notion that “grimdark” and “seeing the best in the characters” are opposites. They are actually not mutually exclusive; it is entirely possible to have the two overlap. For example, it is common for assassins to be after Kalim’s life (which is dark). However, Kalim himself is very cheery despite being cognizant of this (which is not dark, he is able to see the nest of this situation and is often praised for being a spot of sunshine in the cast). There are also much darker takes while staying true to Kalim’s caring nature, such as fandom works which portray his big heart (a strength) as a detriment, causing him to fall into deep paranoia and/or guilt. For the purposes of this discussion, I will still refer back to those two original viewpoints, just be aware that they are not truly “opposites”.

Lastly, the ask is phrased such that it suggests that dark content is “the norm” in Japanese circles. In actuality, the content you see is dependent on personal biases and what the algorithms feed you based on your likes and communities. While it’s true that perhaps Japanese fandoms have more dark content than the western fandoms, that doesn’t necessarily mean it is “the norm”. It is still considered niche, it is just that the fandom culture of Japan is more open-minded about these depictions, as well as fans’ choices to filter out dark content if they do not wish to encounter it. Western fandoms are very different in this regard. Rather than ignoring content they dislike or find disturbing, western fans tend to adopt an attitude of openly renouncing that which they dislike and, at times, calling out those that do enjoy that kind of thing. It is this social stigma and pressure within western fandoms which creates a less welcoming space for dark content to exist and to be publicly shared. Rather than saying one type of content is “the norm”, I think it’s more accurate to say certain types of content are deemed as being “acceptable” or “unacceptable” depending on the fandom culture.

Now then, as to why the western fandom in particular tends to favor works that show the TWST characters in a favorable light rather than focus on their darker aspects? There are many possible explanations for this:

Cultural differences in fandom spaces. I already mentioned this in the opening paragraphs, but it warrants repeating here. Japanese fans are much more reserved in how they express themselves and tend to keep quiet relating to content they dislike or don’t care for. Western fans are more outspoken and may actively “call out” what they dislike. This is typically observed in collectivist vs individualist countries, as conformity with the group/not causing disruptions to the group harmony and standing out and being one’s own individual are opposing ideologies and values.

Japan’s culture is one that stresses the importance of politeness and being proper. The country has strict social expectations of people and especially women (which makes up the majority of TWST’s fanbase). It is only in the realm of fiction where Japanese women are able to freely express themselves and to explore subject matter deemed socially inappropriate, however dark it may be. Fandom is their creative outlet. Meanwhile in the west, it’s the opposite. Overt uniqueness is more acceptable overall, but there is also a present effort of policing online content, often in the name of social activism and inclusion. This makes sense for western countries, many of which sport much more diverse populations than Japan.

Going in with the certain expectations of the game. Many western fans mistook Twisted Wonderland for a dating sim when its marketing materials first released, maybe due to a language barrier. This set them up for the wrong expectations about romancing and potentially “fixing” a villain, even when the game finally came out (due to residual feelings; I know for a fact there are still a handful of fans who want TWST to have a dating sim spinoff or wish the game had been a dating sim from the start).

Changes made in the localization.

I’m not sure what the ratio of westerners playing EN to JP, but the official localization made several changes which “blunted” some details or changed the context of some characters’ stories. For example, Jamil is no longer a “servant” but an “employee”, Kalim is his “employer”, not “master”, and Jamil complains that his parents will be “so mad at him” when he is asked why he doesn’t rebel against the Asims whole the consequences are made much more explicit in JP (his family will be thrown out onto the streets). Cater, Floyd, and Idia have also notably gotten a lot more memey dialogue that was not there in the original. These softened versions the characters may make western fans more likely to see the a less severe backstory or have goofier interpretation of certain characters.

Popular western media’s interpretations of villains. A lot of western media nowadays tries to redeem the bad guys. For example, in many young adult and adult romance fantasy novels, the love interest is often presented as a misunderstood bad boy that has a change of heart because of the protagonist. Disney themselves is also guilty of “softening” many of their more recent villains and giving new backstories to older villains to make them more sympathetic (Maleficent, Cruella, etc). Compare this to “classic” era Disney villains, who are just evil for the sake of being evil. These will naturally inform the general public’s views on villains. (It is also to be noted that Disney villains and specifically their evilness are extremely popular in Japan. They are adored for being fun characters, not necessarily admired for being bad.)

Disney’s reputation, especially in the west. The company is closely associated with fairy tales —and, more importantly, with magic and happy endings. This, too, may contribute to western fans wanting to look on the “bright side” of things and wish for happy endings for characters that are, in fact, part of the Disney brand. The Disney message is perhaps strongest in the west due to having its origins there:

The age differences between the Japanese and the western fandoms. The western TWST fandom skews young overall whereas the Japanese TWST fandom is older (which is why a lot of TWST merch you’ll see is expensive household goods and fashion; this is to appeal to working Japanese women). As I mentioned in the previous point, this means younger audiences in the west may mostly encounter media which presents villains in a more sympathetic light, or at least much earlier (which leaves a stronger impression). This makes them more inclined to view other media in a way which is more flattering for the villains even when they are dark or morally ambiguous in canon.

Younger fans may also be not as informed and thus lack some perspective, which means they may have more limited views. A 15 year old wouldn’t have as much life experience as a 20 year old—that’s not a bad thing, it’s an objective truth that has an impact on their perspective. They may see things more simplistically or see easier solutions to complex problems. Younger fans may, for example, be able to identify circumstances as being traumatic or unfair (such as the case with Jamil’s past and Leona’s desire to introduce new technologies to his home country) but may not understand the full ramifications (ie why Jamil cannot just leave or have Kalim to speak with his dad about it, how difficult Leona’s plans would be to implement as well as the social pushback due to the harm the advances could pose to the environment). This leads to more of a lean to positive content, as dark content would inherently mean problems are much more difficult to resolve and have more factors to them than what was originally considered.

I want to also point out that younger fans are especially concerned with what their peers may think of them, and so they may feel too embarrassed to dabble in darker content. Some dark content may also not be perceived as appropriate depending on the fan’s age. Alternatively, some fans may just not feel comfortable exploring those ideas (and that’s totally fine!).

Western fans project onto/relate to the characters they love. I’m not saying that Japanese fans don’t do this, but I feel like western fans tend to do this to a VERY strong and sometimes parasocial degree (which has its roots in comfort character and kinning culture, things which largely do not exist in east Asian fandoms). Like… western fans can relate to a character so deeply that any criticism of that character can feel like a personal attack on them, the fan. Likewise, if that character is presented as having flaws or doing questionable things (even if it is canon), the fans that are strongly projecting onto the character may feel that they themselves are flawed or somehow “bad” too. This can lead into trying to defend or justify the character’s flaws or actions. Maybe a fan that has shared trauma with a character sees them as a proxy and want to see the character (and thus, themselves) in a positive way or in good situations. In eastern fandoms, it is more appropriate to consider the character a separate entity rather than relating to or projecting onto them.

The western rise in moral justification for the content one consumes. This is a big one, and it has been alluded to in some of the other points. There is this belief circulating in western fandom spaces that “the content you consume reflects your real world values and morals”. So… if you believe that (or are in a social space where it is believed) and happen to like evil or morally grey characters, what does that imply about your own character? Does that mean you are morally bankrupt or that you condone bad things? Personally, I don’t think so but I understand why this way of thinking could make people feel ashamed. They may avoid looking at “dark” interpretations of a character and instead focus on wholesome feel-good content so that the content they consume reflects “well” on themselves. In other cases, fans may try to twist the bad points of a character to make it “morally okay” to like them.

That’s everything I could come up with off the top of my head!! I hope this was interesting to read and maybe helped you see the international TWST fandom from a new perspective. With that, I’ll leave you with this relevant Wreck-It Ralph quote: “I’m bad, and that’s good. I will never be good, and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be than me.”

[txttletale]

Hi! I have a question to ask you, someone who seems well versed in Marxism and its philosophy, over something that personally confuses me: is there a meaningful difference between materialism and objectivity? The way I've seen the former explained usually just makes me go "Oh, so it's really just about being objective", so I don't really understand why we need another term for it.

i actually think that there is -- at least in the marxist sense of materialism -- a huge gap between being 'materialist' and being 'objective'. a big part of the historical materialist rejection of idealism is the rejection of the idea of timeless, objective truth independent of its observer and context: as engels puts it in socialism: utopian & scientific:

As each one’s special kind of absolute truth, reason, and justice is again conditioned by his subjective understanding, his conditions of existence, the measure of his knowledge and his intellectual training, there is no other ending possible in this conflict of absolute truths than that they shall be mutually exclusive of one another.

the marxist perspective is inherently suspicious of objectivity, because the marxist analysis of society is cognizant of class struggle. because the goals of the bourgeoisie and the proletariat (or the king and the peasant, or the slaveholder and the slave) are diametrically opposed, there is very little that can be said to be 'universal', because the system of values that benefits one class is to the detriment of the other. marx summarizes this thusly in the german ideology:

For each new class which puts itself in the place of one ruling before it, is compelled, merely in order to carry through its aim, to represent its interest as the common interest of all the members of society, that is, expressed in ideal form: it has to give its ideas the form of universality, and represent them as the only rational, universally valid ones.

so the basic premise of historical materialism is that ideas (i.e. 'truths') arise from the material conditions in which they are developed. there is no such thing as an objective perspective because every perspective is situated historically in a particular time and place and set of social relations. claims to 'objectivity', then, are at best suspect, staking a claim to universality that erases class divisions and historical context.

marxism is not an 'objective' framework--it is proletarian, built from the standpoint of the working class and imperialised peoples around the world, and built upon and adapted for dozens of different historical circumstances by different leaders and thinkers. materialism is in opposition to the notion of objectivity, then, because materialism recognizes that all ideas (even one's own conception of materialism!) are ideas that stem out of dialectical interplay between not only previous ideas but the material and social conditions of the people who have those ideas. ideas and thoughts cannot be 'objective', under the materialist view, because to separate them from the context in which they arose is to distort and falsify them in the pursuit of universality.

[cringeworms]

I'm writing an analysis of gender performativity in The Silence of the Lambs for my gender and sexuality class and in the course of my research I have encountered so many bad takes!! I can't not say anything so I've come to Tumblr to rant.

The most common criticism I see is that the ending of "Hannibal" discredits, undoes, or diminishes Clarice's feminism, autonomy, or power, or that it ruins the message of SOTL. That indicates a complete misunderstanding of Clarice and the point of the books! The point of "Hannibal" is to show that it does not matter how amazing, powerful, or how much of a feminist you are: if you are a woman in a career, especially a federal career, the system is designed to put you down and keep you quiet. I think there is nothing more she could have done and nothing she could have done differently to prevent her disgrace. When the system is set up to put men in power and keep them in power, your talent and integrity do not matter if they decide they don't want/need you anymore. There is nothing she can do to prevent the label of "female officer" from haunting her credibility. Even Crawford, who respects her and fights for her, sees her with the caveat of "woman." The one man who does not consider her gender any sort of detriment or a reason to treat her differently is Hannibal Lecter. They have genuine mutual respect. When she chose to be with him, she chose respect, love, and comfort over a life of fighting to be recognized, respected, or listened to. Just as much as it is respectable for women to fight for their right to be recognized in their careers, we must also recognize that that fight should not need to exist in the first place. So, why should there be any shame about choosing not to fight that fight anymore? She spent years in an uphill battle, and she probably never would have escaped it (to no fault of her own!). The ending of "Hannibal" is Clarice raising a middle finger to the system, the FBI, misogyny, and the patriarchy by recognizing that she deserves unconditional love and respect and that the system she fought so hard for was, in fact, completely undeserving of her talent or presence. Her decision is powerful and empowered!

"She was brainwashed!" she literally wasn't. Hannibal tried that (I believe because he was so unfamiliar with the idea of love or family that he didn't know how to understand Clarice outside of the lens of Mischa) but he was unsuccessful. If she was able to resist his efforts of brainwashing while in an altered state she certainly had the strength of mind to make her own decisions. Her decision was not impulsive. Also, I think it serves as a testament to her influence and power over him. She gained control of the situation and he didn't resist that. Ultimately, Clarice chose to spend the rest of her life with the one man who ever truly saw her as more than just a woman, who admired her intellect, and who respected her enough to challenge her. That is not weak, submissive, or misogynistic. Quite the opposite. She chose to leave behind the life she put years of effort into building (because she knew it would be fruitless) in favor of being finally honored and appreciated. That takes courage! She knew her worth, and she knew the FBI didn't deserve her.

Also, anyone who paid any attention to the books saw the romantic tension throughout the story. It didn't come out of nowhere. She really just needed an opportunity or an excuse to be with him, and she was finally presented with it.

I think reading the ending to "Hannibal" as anything other than empowering is a mischaracterization of both Clarice and Hannibal and shows a lack of understanding of the message of the books. I think it reflects a shallow understanding of not only the books, but of how feminism operates IRL (especially during the 80s/90s).

I also must give the disclaimer that I do not think these books are epitomes of feminism or representation. The transmisogyny, racism, queerphobia, etc., are obviously inexcusable. Just because I interpret their message as a story of caution about how misogyny operates, and how it is respectable to choose a path that does not work within that system, does not mean I agree with everything presented in them or any of their harmful rhetorics or stereotypes. I have a STRONG love/hate relationship with these stories and I don't ever mean to undersell the "hate" part of that lol.

[odesofmeddea]

when i point out things like manipulation coercion emotional abuse etc etc. in samdean purview i don't imply a condemning connotation behind these terms, by the way, and i don't see the mutual abuse that both sam and dean occasionally enact upon each other as something that contorts the situated power dynamic.

i.e. when dean controls sam or robs him of his agency i don't immediately insinuate sam's position to be that of the unilateral victim - although he technically is, in some ways, dean's victim, there's always a spatial permit in letting him construe and reciprocate the damage received in his own way. when he abuses dean and is objectively verbally cruel or denigrating towards him, he's as much of a wounder and a manipulator and a jealous appropriator - in cases where he wants dean entirely and only to himself. the appropriation and possessiveness go as far as torturing other beings or corrupting a human soul, planning on murdering benny or killing dean's biological daughter from another woman, the daughter and benny being a threat to his position of the primal importance in his brother's life, thus robbing dean of any alternative. sam does, in fact, have this sadistic faculty reared and nurtured in him, the very faculty that s1-9 he would often resort to when forced or provoked and is otherwise rendered defenseless.

it's different from when i say that john ruined dean and mean it not in a neutral uncritical way, because john as a father was omnipotent in relation to his sons, and he abused that power ghastly for his own convenience. it's different from when i assert that lucifer mentally and sexually tortured sam for eons and has broke and rebroke his extant already-whacked personality, adding trauma on trauma, simply because he enjoyed demolishing him. with sam and dean, however detriment, there's always another basis of evaluation because there's a different nucleus of emotional input and intent that in its provenance is not manichean but instead very deeply human and therefore must be a panoply of manifestations, moral or not, logical or inadequate, often irrationally both. oh. they're also in love with each other, so the question of split-up is factually out of the equation and is not a desirable solution for their ongoing conflict.

[theblackfemininesociety]

Why 'Hoe Culture' is a Detriment to Our Society, Particularly the Black Community.

Hey Besties,

Welcome to The Black Feminine Society! We pride ourselves on creating a safe space for Black Women to heal, grow, and embrace their femininity. Our mission goes beyond just creating a supportive environment. We believe it is our duty to have open and honest discussions about the challenges that can be detrimental to our culture, while also shining a light on the right paths for Black women to take.

At The Black Feminine Society, we are committed to holding ourselves and each other accountable. Our goal is not to tear down another Black woman, but rather to empower and uplift one another. We firmly believe that by addressing the issues within our community, we can drive positive change for the greater good.

So let's talk about it…

As 'Hoe Culture' is gaining increasing momentum, particularly within the Black community. It is a matter of grave concern that such a culture is being propagated, especially considering its adverse impacts on the perception of Black women and young girls.

The music industry, a formidable influencer of society, plays a significant role in this degradation. Many lyrics and music videos often depict women as objects of desire, thereby demeaning their worth. This portrayal of Black women is not only disrespectful but also aids in perpetuating stereotypes that have haunted the community for centuries.

The lack of genuinely empowering role models for young girls is distressing. Our society seems to drown out voices that advocate for respect and dignity, while those who succumb to the pressures of being overly sexualized for relevance are amplified. It is heartbreaking to witness the precious innocence of young minds being corrupted by such destructive ideologies.

The propagation of 'Hoe Culture' also distorts the perception of what healthy relationships should look like. It fuels lust over love, leading to superficial connections devoid of real affection or respect. This is not what relationships should represent. Relationships should be about mutual respect, understanding, and love, not superficial attractions.

Also, the media tends to glamorize 'Hoe Culture', conveniently ignoring the trauma associated with it. It is not all fun and games, as they would have us believe. The reality is much harsher, filled with emotional turmoil and personal distress.

This brings us to the concept of trauma bonding, a situation where individuals develop a strong emotional attachment to those who hurt them. It is a cycle of abuse and reconciliation that can lead to severe psychological effects, including low self-esteem and chronic mental health issues.

In the world of social media, especially on platforms like Instagram, young girls often feel pressured to participate in 'Hoe Culture', fearing that they might be ostracized otherwise. Behind the glamorous pictures and seemingly perfect lives of IG models lies a sad reality of mistreatment and deception. It is vital to remember that these are curated images, not reflecting the reality of their lives.

Before I conclude, I want to leave you with a motivating message:

To all the beautiful Black women out there, remember that you are so much more than what society tries to label you as. You are strong, beautiful, and worthy. Your body is your temple, a sacred sanctuary that deserves respect and honor. Protect your heart, keep it exclusive for those who genuinely deserve it. There is no rush to fit into societal norms; remember, it's okay to be selective. Your worth is not defined by the number of likes or followers, but by the strength of your character and the depth of your spirit. Be proud of who you are and never let anyone dim your light.

[fmet]

Reading the most recent Mad Dog arc as the antithesis to Chuseok and Sports Festival arc is sooooo crazy it’s so crazy and it makes me want to pull my hair out. So much has improved between them since those few months in part from the distance and alienation that Chuseok arc warranted but ultimately they’re still unable to honestly connect with each other, only now because of opposite reasons. Their spatial closeness and false amicability during Chuseok being what led to them blowing up in the first place: they both wanted to get along so well that they behaved in ways hostile to the others nature: Eunyung misleading/lying about his job, knowing Haejoon’s issues with paranoia, being bullied, and just in trusting Eunyung specifically; and Haejoon putting Eunyung on a moral pedestal knowing that Eunyung would take the standards he set for redemption personally. It was their mutual rejection of each other under the visage of getting along and “improving their relationship” that obstructed them from actually having spent Chuseok together and becoming the family that they had either lost or been excluded from prior.

In Mad Dog, in contrast, so much of their time is spent openly worrying for, advocating for, and seeking each other out. It's an impulsive and honest effort to bring the other closer, not because they have to if they want to get along, but because they're concerned for each other. Haejoon spending hours calling Eunyung to warn him about those forgot-their-name asswipes; Haejoon walking him "home" (even if the way he proposed it was a little odd lol) and Eunyung doing the same in 215; both of them keeping track of where the other is, which culminates in Eunyung being there to call an ambulance for Haejoon, in a situation where otherwise he could have very likely died. And the most striking change about all of this behavior is it’s being in accommodation to each of their characters “imperfections”. Haejoon doesn’t get mad at Eunyung for forgetting to mention he isn’t with his parents any more, Eunyung doesn’t lambaste Haejoon for his ability, or inability, to read people, and actually takes his perspective on their situation to heart. Both of them have adopted traits of the other that they had once found unbearable: In Haejoon, we can see Eunyung’s verbiage, and in Eunyung, a revitalized desire to improve: both are inspired by each other to tailor and limit how they use their strength.

They both clearly admire one another so much and are now at the point that they can openly express this, but at least in Eunyung’s case, his admiration doesn’t invite further contact. The desire for companionship was once so stifling living in the same dorm and bowing under the warped expectations of each other, but now that their influence has actually begun to make marked improvements on their lives, it’s physical distance that’s keeping them apart. Now, that they’re both in the headspace to admire each other, their life outcomes are steering in polar opposite directions, with neither being fully capable of actualizing this without detriment to their individual progress. It makes me really anxious to think about future chapters and how WaNan will handle this new(er) obstacle between them, especially given it’s not something that can be solved purely with further character development. Eunyung and Haejoon knowing each other undoubtedly changed their lives but it’s suspended whether that “knowing” will last as long as said lives, iykwim.

[winters-rose-daughterofcain]

Okay It's no long 2AM so Everlark and their mommy issue lets go lol and how their parents have impacted them and their relationship but the first one has a better ring. (This is actually part one it got too long so this is just Katniss sorry Peeta)

First, Katniss. Now I'm not here to just shit on Mrs Everdeen, I think my final opinion of her falls in the 'good person but bad parent' category. She was never malicious or cruel and would never do anything to intentionally hurt her children, she feels awful about how she reacted after Mr Everdeen's death and actively makes strides to improve and work on her and Katniss's relationship. Depression and grief are not pretty and as Katniss says, sometimes things happen to people and they're not quipped to deal with them. She even grows to empathise with and understand her mother eventually.

However her children were still starving, an eleven year old Katniss was still forced as her families main provider with no resources and no help, she was still parentified at a very young age and that had had a great effect on how she forms relationships and how she trusts people. The main way being that she doesn't, not without work. It takes her and Gale months to years of mutually beneficial back and forth and a foundation of a transactional relationship for her to allow him in, and even then never in a way in which she was relying on him for something she couldn't do herself. Mrs Everdeens kindness was a detriment in some ways, as Katniss has now internalised that people still have to capacity to hurt and leaver her no matter how much kindness and softness they show. Kind people are still a weakness to her she says it herself, but I think subconsciously she's a little wary of them. It takes work for Katniss to trust someone, they need to prove themself to be dependable and consistent, and I think that is a core value she looks for in a partner.

And with Mr Everdeen, Katniss has nothing less then positive memories of him, obviously coloured by her losing him as a child and that loss potentially erasing certain flaws in her memory, but regardless it's clear they had a very positive relationship. He taught her to hunt, to provide for the ones she loved and to keep herself alive, he was kind and strong and a man not unfamiliar with sacrifice, but he still retained the fundamental joy of music. He still retained this creative, useless to survival skill because he wanted to, because he valued it as something important to him and even if Katniss dismisses music in the beginning, it clearly holds great value to her as well.

The relationship between her parents before her father's death was honestly quite a good example for her. She grew up in a home where people loved each other, in a house of poverty yes, but a home where her mother lit up whenever she called her farther name, a home where her parents clearly adored each other and her and Prim and made no pretence of hiding or dimming it. The story of her mother's abandonment by her own family showing her early on however that this has not come without sacrifice. I think, due to her limited interactions with other people she internalised this version of love and relationships as the only true one, further confusing her later on when the messy situations she finds herself in and feeling love for do not match this image exactly, even if she's drawing similarities.

We as people are drawn to familiarity, it's the reason why a lot of people from abusive homes end up in abusive relationships, a burnt child loves the fire and all that. When we love, we intrinsically seek out things that feel familiar, because with familiarity comes a sense of safety whether or not that is actually the case. Katniss is drawn to Peeta partially because of the ways in which he reminds her of her father, she draws the connections constantly this isn't even speculation. She describes her father as strong, as kind, as a person who left her feeling safe, a feelings no ones arms have ever given her again until Peeta, again something she explicitly says. He also has the softer, more creative side that her father did, with art and painting instead of music yes, but he still holds room and importance on something seemingly useless and impractical at first glance.

With her mother I think is where Peeta's dependability come into play. Katniss longs for stability, she was never given it with her parents, and while not their fault or something they could control was damaging to her. She wants something unmoving something stable and dependable and reliable, someone who, while she's busy taking care of everyone else will take care of her, the role her mother should have taken. And who fills that for her? Peeta. His love for her, she admits in Mockingjay, was something she had as a given, as something unmovable, dependable. He is stability for her, he's strength and reliability because from the moment she stopped second guessing his intentions him and his love for her has been a constant.

She also draws parallels between her relationship with him and her parents relationship with each other a lot and narratively they parallel each other a lot, but other people have already talked at length about that. Their love may not be as uncomplicated as she remembers her parents being, but the similarities are there regardless. When Peeta is taken by the Capital Katniss loses it. She finally understands her mother. She doesn't say it explicitly, never actually says 'I love him' but it's excruciatingly obvious she does. The Katniss in Mockingjay in a girl in mourning. This also comes with her understanding her mother more, the comparison between Peeta and her father are not for lack of want, but Katniss resents the similarities between her and her mother at first, many girls do especially when their mother has let them down in some fundamental way. The wretched mirror of mother and daughter a curse as old as time. But the more Katniss lives, the more she understands her mother's life, the less she resents being similar to her, the more she grows to forgive her, allowing certain comparisons to come thought even more.

Her parent's and upbringing have played a big role in how she loves and who she loves, and it's so obvious in the progression of her and Peeta's relationship. Her initial distrust, her wanting to like him inspire of herself, their slow growing together, the absolute certainty she has of her care for him, how utterly destroyed she becomes after almost losing him, the fact that after everything, they were able to grow back together and find something worth having. Katniss choses Peeta for a lot of reasons, honestly there was never even a choice, but I think her upbringing and the ways in which she saw or didn't see her parents and their love in him definitely played a role.

[astroa3h]

Travis Barker & Shanna Moakler: Their Destructive 22 Degree Composite Saturn ❤️‍🔥

Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler have one of the most toxic and aggresive Composite Charts I’ve ever seen, just looking at their Saturn placement sends me into a silent rage. Saturn can be a difficult planet, ruling restrictions and limitations and where we need to be responsible, so this placement in the composite chart can show areas of difficulty in the relationship. And let’s get real these two weren’t short on difficult moments.

Cancer Saturn in the 1st House @ 22 Degrees 

Conjunct Cancer Venus & Ascendant, Square 10th House Aries Mars

With Saturn in the 1st house and in the sign of Cancer, and especially at twenty two degrees, a Capricorn and destructive degree. We're not just talking about a challenge; we're looking at a relationship under siege. Saturn here is in detriment, meaning it feels like a relentless storm, bringing cold, harsh winds to what should be the warm, nurturing environment of Cancer. This placement doesn't just whisper about difficulties; it shouts about emotional blockades, creating a chilling atmosphere where insecurities fester and emotional connections freeze over. It's the kind of setting where vulnerabilities aren't gently tended to but rather are left out in the cold, leading to a buildup of resentment and detachment.

Twenty Two degrees symbolizes a deep, transformative pressure that's meant to push individuals (or relationships, in this case) to evolve, but not gently. It's like being in the pressure cooker of personal growth – it's hot, it's uncomfortable, but it's where you're forced to shed what's not serving you. In terms of a romantic relationship? Twenty Two Degrees is not great. It can indicate DIVORCE.

The conjunction of Saturn with Venus and the Ascendant pours salt on these wounds. Venus, when embraced by Saturn, finds its expressions of love and affection restrained, as if love had to pass a rigorous test to prove its worth. Instead of love being a source of comfort, it becomes a battleground, where every gesture of affection is weighed and measured for its sincerity. The Ascendant's involvement makes this struggle VERY visible, not just felt. 

The square from Saturn to Aries Mars in their tenth house throws fuel on the fire, igniting conflicts between personal desires and professional ambitions. Mars, the planet of action and conflict, is already fiery, and in the 10th house, it pushes for recognition, success, and achievement. But with Saturn squaring off, it's like every step forward in their careers or public lives demanded a sacrifice at the altar of their personal lives. The tension between wanting to achieve and the need to connect and nurture their relationship created an almost impossible situation. Instead of supporting each other's ambitions, their successes became another source of competition and conflict, eroding the foundations of their partnership.

This toxic mix of emotional coldness, love under scrutiny, and conflicting ambitions painted their relationship not as a sanctuary but as a battleground. Every attempt at connection was overshadowed by the looming specter of Saturn, ensuring that instead of growing closer, they were driven further apart. Their story, marked by these astrological challenges, serves as a cautionary tale about the importance of warmth, open communication, and mutual support.

xox astro ash ✨ Get your own Composite Reading @ astroash.net TikTok - astroa3h

[eldritch-muppetshow]

still-unnamed set of guys stuck together by their medic, info under the cut. can’t decide whether to name them sth mundane or sth goofy taken from sniper and spy’s voice clips

- prior to their medic (not archie) fusing them together, this particular red!sniper and spy were infamous among their teammates because they mutually hated each other from the moment they met, to the point of being actively detrimental to their team.

- the turning point came when their infighting cost their team (what would have been) a very important victory, resulting in their medic taking matters into his own hands. why he picked this as the solution (other than “it’s medic, he just wanted an excuse to sew two people together”) is anyone’s guess. it certainly hasn’t taught them any lessons about getting along.

- their new existence has been a difficult one, especially because their respective classes have very different roles in a match. what also doesn’t help is that spy’s disguise kit only cloaks him and does nothing for sniper— which they unfortunately found out the hard way.

- as a compromise for their living situations, they rotate between sleeping in spy’s quarters and sleeping in sniper’s van, which has been a pretty terrible experience for both parties.

- as for how their insides are connected and who has which organs: only medic truly knows, it’s all been trial-and-error for them to find out.

bonus doodle:

[lepoppeta]

For the song asks: Charlestor

charlastor/radiobelle has the benefit of relating to a lot of tropes and aesthetics in media that i already really enjoy and have a lot of content for. that being said, the songs ive chosen for them relate more to the pilot versions of these two characters, where it was speculated that alastor was going to be more of a mysterious, unflappable background mentor figure. ive heard their relationship being compared to that of clarice starling and hannibal lecter from silence of the lambs and hannibal, and i think some of that can vibe definitely be used here.

the first song that ever came to mind for these two (in recent memory) was a dangerous game from the jekyll and hyde musical (sung by anthony warlow and linda eder).

at the touch of your hand, and the sound of your voice, at the moment your eyes meet mine - i am out of my mind, i am out of control, full of feelings i cant define.

its a sin with no name, like a tiger to tame, (and though no-ones to blame) its a crime and a shame, and the angels proclaim its a dangerous game.

im a bit of a sucker for melodramatic gothic musicals, and the vision this song brings to mind is charlie wandering the empty halls of her dilapidated hotel and cautiously dancing with alastor and his army of half-sentient shadows. it relates to charlies pov more than alastors (as in this case he would be singing about her) and how they would have to tread carefully no matter what kind of close relationship they choose to partake in.

next up is me and mr wolf (the real tuesday weld).

you have the thing i love but the fear in me is way too much. if i open wide one of us may get lost inside. me or you, one of us is going to need to die.

my favourite version of this relationship is them being mutually fucked - alastor has never really given much thought to romantic love and hes shocked that hes willing to break so many of his own rules for this silly little slice of heaven in hell; charlie responds well to alastor setting clear boundaries against her sometimes-invasive behavior, and, like any good theatre kid, he "yes-and"s her (instead of vaggies pretty consistent "no"s). however, this song also touches on the fact that charlie is (or should be) at least alastors equal in power, if not far beyond him, and its a warning that neither of them should overstep in either love or anger.

the last one ill leave you with is actually one that was made canon by helluva - its look my way (paranoid DJ, but the alternate version sung by bryce pinkham) and its a bit of an ooc situation from alastors point of view.

unless its me, and no matter what in this world i could give - its not enough to get through the walls youve conjured up to live. is this what you feel? scorned by a world that cannot comprehend what you are, so ill grant you this mercy - this bind on our souls needs to end.

this is taking into account the deal that charlie makes with alastor in the penultimate episode of the first season of hazbin. the idea is that alastor (or at least, the speculative pilot version of alastor) strongly admires charlies perseverance against her own people - the very beings shes trying so hard to save. while charlie is a relatively open book he knows that she probably doesnt let anyone, not even her own girlfriend/best friend, see the emotional toll this project has taken on her (again, this tying in more to the pilot personalities of these characters), and hes upset that her deal with him has only made things worse in that regard. he makes the choice, to his own detriment, to sever the deal without her knowledge, so that if she doesnt keep her end of the bargain it will be of no consequence to her.

[snezenie]

utsugi and minoru: the divorce manifesto

longform analysis about noriyuki utsugi and minoru harada's relationship, as i see it. there's a lot of room for interpretation in their relationship, so of course these are my thoughts only.

contains spoilers for the full series.

word count: ~7,800

outline: i. the completion of each other ii. a deep and mutual understanding iii. the emphasis of their cruelty iv. the concealment of their kindness v. family and cycles vi. other allusions vii. conclusion

part one: equality and lack there of

1a. utsugi-kun, did you fuck my wife?

'jealousy' is a big theme with these two— generally in the context of utsugi's interactions with rai and hajime, as described by minoru.

their interpersonal relationships are the greatest source of their conflicts, as is clear with all their arguing and sniping at one another in the base game. there are two clear 'pairs' that become intertwined with one another: rai and minoru, and hajime and utsugi.

utsugi is someone who finally felt needed, the only thing he’d ever wanted, and then it's slowly taken from him as hajime becomes less willing to depend on utsugi. utsugi had uprooted his entire life to follow hajime, and he considers hajime's life and happiness to be his sole goal in life. it's natural to become agitated when it starts to become obvious that he might be unnecessary.

minoru states in the base game that utsugi is jealous of him, and that in some way minoru seems to have occupied that role as someone that hajime does depend on. but is this true?

utsugi never mentions that he thinks hajime likes minoru more, or that he's jealous of minoru in his monologues. these plain descriptions of his inner thoughts are some of the only things about him that can be taken completely at face value, there's no reason to act to his own self. he mentions his various grievances with minoru, so why does jealous never come up?

utsugi isn't jealous of minoru, that's why. minoru wants them to have a symmetrical relationship, something easily explained: utsugi has what i want, but i have what utsugi wants. so naturally i am jealous of utsugi and utsugi must be jealous of me.

(this is a work in progress edit i'll come back to, but i just wanted to edit out that utsugi was jealous of minoru because it has little canon backing and i think it's incorrect. i stopped edits here and will process the rest of the essay later)

a similar situation happens with minoru’s family: utsugi is more of a father to haruki than minoru was, and minoru explicitly recognizes this a few times. utsugi helps haruki with homework, calls him a good boy, and they sit together and sip juice. in contrast, minoru can hardly talk to haruki without losing his temper.

his complicated feelings towards utsugi and haruki's relationship are clearly illustrated in his outburst in the train station, where he frantically tells haruki that he is his father, not hajime or utsugi. his final actions speak to the fact that he did want to continue to act as haruki’s father, and yet his own fears and selfishness won out, burying those feelings. 

the same unnatural setup can be observed in the complicated way rai, minoru, and utsugi’s relationship develops. rai makes multiple choices to the detriment of the family in order to stay on utsugi’s good side and appease him, and minoru himself is kept in the dark about haruki long past when utsugi understands everything. this creates a feeling of isolation from his own family, and utsugi manages to ‘replace’ him wholly in some ways, where both haruki and rai are placing higher importance on their relationship with utsugi than they do minoru. minoru shows keen awareness in retrospect that he was more deeply in love with rai than she was with him, likely adding to this insecurity.

hajime’s importance to utsugi is clear-cut, as the one who brought purpose and light to his life for the first time. while the isoi’s importance to minoru is underlined by the mundanity of his ambitions. he wants to be happy, he wants a family and friends, he wants for everyone to get along. there is no grand higher purpose for minoru. this desire for a mundane, happy family is possibly inspired by his original orphaning, where both parents blamed minoru in part for their issues before leaving his life entirely.

and relating to minoru's upbring, there are also multiple points in the game where the concept of affairs and cheating comes up, strengthening the existing concept of jealousy and insecurities within marriage. most prominently, minoru questions if utsugi likes rai in the reference room scene of DLC. to utsugi, to the viewer, to rai, this sounds like complete laughable nonsense. but minoru seems to ask it seriously, showing the depths to which he has started to question his importance to his family. it’s emphasized that he wasn’t merely asking this in jest when utsugi laughs in response and minoru seems confused by the reaction. 

further references include that it comes up that both the harada and isoi families previously had incidents with their mothers cheating, shown as a symptom of the crumbling marriage. and again, minoru brings up an affair when affirming that haruki is his kid to hajime in a flashback scene in chapter 7 of the base game. (“unless rai had an affair! it's unmistakably my child!!”)

minoru’s feelings about rai and utsugi are never addressed as explicitly as minoru’s feelings about haruki and fatherhood, but this concept has come up too many times to be mere coincidence. minoru probably, at least momentarily in times of insecurity or irrationality, considered the idea that rai and utsugi might have something between them. considering how obvious utsugi’s single-minded devotion to hajime is (and minoru knew this!), it is a rather insane leap of logic. but minoru doesn't tend to make smart decisions, especially under duress. many of his ill-fated decisions in game are led by his human fallibility. most prominently, he misses his window to escape with haruki and reiji in 1999 because he goes back to sleep after receiving the text to move up the plan.

he wasn't ignorant or blind to utsugi’s devotion to hajime, it's just that his own insecurity, jealousy, and confusion over utsugi’s sudden changes in attitude bred hesitant, impossible possibilities in his mind. he has been so completely replaced in importance to both his wife and his son, his family being the only thing he ever wanted, that he doesn't know how to cope with it.

both minoru and utsugi’s most important relationships are fraught with insecurity over the other, and thus we can see how they complete what the other longs for. utsugi slots into the isoi family naturally as minoru’s relationships with his wife and son splinters. while minoru shows hajime a simple way to live happily and without expectations, utsugi continuing to unsuccessfully execute on what he believes are hajime’s wishes, ultimately just burdening hajime further.

1b. the one who knew everything and the one who knew nothing

their positions of power and authority mirror each other in similar ways: utsugi is clearly jealous of minoru’s apparent easy, unburdened existence while minoru wishes for the power utsugi has.

utsugi's complex is shown best when utsugi responds to minoru in the reference room: describing his demeanor as selfish, disrespectful, and ignorant. he's frustrated that minoru can continue living obliviously, even as utsugi himself is the one facilitating this state as he keeps minoru in the dark about many things. as an aside, utsugi also adds ‘without malice’ to the end of this description, showing how he knows that minoru is not purposely staying ignorant and riling up utsugi with his apparent carelessness. 

at the same time, minoru is also feeling the stress and problems of the failing institute and his own crumbling family. it’s not inaccurate to call minoru ignorant, but utsugi exaggerates the depth to which minoru doesn’t understand. minoru repeatedly calls out the problems and failings he clearly sees, even, but he lacks the power to execute any real change. as an example, he calls for the removal of utsugi and the recognition of the crimes of the institute in the scene where utsugi orders him to leave, and no one takes him seriously.

to bring it full circle, utsugi is the one who holds the power and authority to act on solutions to minoru’s concerns. he also has all the information and understanding that minoru lacks on multiple people close to him, including hajime, utsugi himself, and his family. he stands as the archbishop of EHRI and the main executor of hajime’s will, so it is utsugi who is pushing EHRI chiefly along its dark path. for the most part hajime takes the role of a passive observer, minoru is an outsider, and all the other bishops answer to utsugi, who answers to the sponsors.

to further explore how that difference in status and authority shapes their dynamic, minoru’s status as an outsider establishes him as more equal to utsugi than anyone else in the game. the previously talked through mutual jealousy and give-and-take relationship between them supports this, putting them on the equal level of both having things of value to each other. 

in thinking through utsugi’s other close relationships, it's obvious to think of hajime first. of course, utsugi is revealed to never have bought into hajime’s status as a savior. but even then he treats hajime with a carefulness and fragility that keeps their relationship from being one of mutual reliance and equal footing. he doesn't feel he can tell hajime of his struggles due to his devotion to appearing as an infallible support for hajime.

hajime aside, most everyone else in EHRI (excluding seodore, minoru, and some of the other sponsors/stakeholders) sees utsugi in the highest position of power and authority. he builds a powerful persona, and gradually we see the other members of EHRI call him ‘utsugi-sama’ more so than ‘utsugi-kun,’ showing his evolution into someone who is no longer equal and approachable to the others. meanwhile, minoru never changes the honorific, and even wishes to drop it entirely, but utsugi insists on it due to his upbringing. 

that minoru has neither bought into utsugi's persona (perhaps because he remembers how utsugi was when they first met: awkward, unconfident, reticent,) nor is a worshiper that utsugi has direct power over, nor a sponsor with direct influence over utsugi means he sees things more clearly. he exists somewhere completely outside the power structure of EHRI, where he can see utsugi for who he is.

many of the other researchers we see (the enomotos, rai) don’t seem to quite be unaware of how utsugi is deteriorating, but they do seem to not have the mental capacity to do anything when their own problems are consuming them. rai in particular explicitly struggles with feeling the need to please utsugi, which places them in an unequal, vertical relationship where she cannot speak her true mind or ask him to depend on her.

1c. love languages  

they invert each other in ways of taking action and expressing themselves: utsugi’s motivations and care are impactful, but quite silent and unsaid, while minoru talks loudly without being able to back it up with action. 

minoru calls out that utsugi cared for those around him when he could (when it didn’t conflict with hajime’s will) and with a little investigating, the viewer can also pick up on this notion. subtle things like utsugi allowing noa to blame him for killing rai, when the clear culprits of rai’s death were always seodore and noa herself. or that utsugi tried to create an exit for the isoi family both by proposing the plan of a second child and by using haruki to research the reversal of cells. and most pertinently to this post: that utsugi is so jealous and angry of minoru’s constant ignorance, but refrains from harming him, even purposely keeping him in the darkness for minoru’s own happiness. 

utsugi only ties his own hands when caring for others would directly interfere with hajime’s wishes, which gives rise to things like haruki’s original existence as an experiment (as a note, even then hajime’s regret of this situation may have played into utsugi’s willingness to reverse it.)

but even then, he does his best to play around the lines and shows reluctance in carrying out harm. this is illustrated best by how, in one of his dlc monologues, he wanted haruki to have a negative reaction to the cells. this puts EHRI out a potential experiment, arguably hurting hajime’s dream. but a negative reaction would keep utsugi from having to navigate the potential situation of a positive reaction, which would surely be difficult for the isoi family. in most, if not all of these situations, utsugi's thoughts and actions are not seen as mercies by anyone involved. utsugi never presents them this way, nor does he ever asks for gratitude from the people he helps.

we can similarly see utsugi’s silent affection for and remembrance of minoru persist until modern day, with several hints in the base game about their relationship. utsugi holds onto minoru’s books, keeping them in a backroom without disposing of them. the room behind utsugi’s statue is also minoru’s old room from before he was married, and not only does utsugi preserve it, but he blocks it off so no one would enter it. it can be confirmed as minoru's room when hajime reads a note from minoru in the room in a flashback in the base game, as well as the shape and set-up being the same when it appears in minoru's dlc. the furniture in it is likely different from minoru’s room in the flashbacks because he took his furniture with him after he moved out with the isoi family, but it has not been repurposed.

utsugi also clearly remembers many things about minoru– his demeanor, how his sign feels, his appearance– and uses all these to easily identify reiji and haruki as his sons. when he’s blinded in his boss fight, he remembers how minoru’s sign ‘feels’ enough to believe that he is fighting him (when it is in actuality his sons.) with utsugi’s deteriorating mental state after 1999, it would’ve been natural for utsugi to forget minoru inadvertently or on purpose, but it seems like he makes a conscious effort to remember his friend after their split. 

to compare their mindsets, utsugi is extremely private and single-minded. he decides on things with little hesitation, and never ruminates on what could have been or what went wrong until everything is over and done. this is best illustrated in how we never see him breathe a negative word of hajime until they both lay dying.

he also insists on having no regrets, even when the only audience to his words is his own self. this is clearly contradicted when he shows clear distress and desire to start over multiple times, most clearly in his second fight with minoru in 1999 and in the reference room scene. but in asserting to himself that he has no regret, he can better stay focused on what really matters instead of wallowing in the past. 

minoru is the opposite, being someone who talks a lot about what is wrong and what he wants to do, but either can’t or won’t take action. he is unable to commit to the same decisive choices as utsugi. 

in the case of can’t take action, his status as an outsider keeps him from enacting real change in EHRI, even as he points out its flaws repeatedly and loudly. he has no real power and thus his words are all he has.

in the case of won’t, it is shown best in the reference room scene with utsugi. minoru is angrily insistent that utsugi confide further in him and help him understand his situation and struggles, but he only maintains this sentiment up to a point. utsugi pushes back hard, feeling that minoru’s words are useless and would not help him. ironically, this proves true as minoru swiftly backs down from his previous words after utsugi starts choking him. of course, it’s understandable to be afraid or want to escape this situation, but it shows a clear line where minoru will go back upon his word when pushed past. 

in contrast, utsugi lacks this same bottom line. he is subjected to many counts of violence and pain while fulfilling his promise to hajime, but doesn’t ever think of giving up on their promise. utsugi avoids lying to others in the beginning (possibly as a side effect from the pain of being accused of being a liar in his youth when he was telling the truth) and he prefers silence over promising anything he cannot.

he becomes much more comfortable lying and acting a role as time goes on, but in the 70’s and 80’s his word is trustable. one solid example is how, in 1999 in the train station, he refuses to promise anyone’s safety to noa besides hajime’s, despite her pleas. as someone who tried to treat others well, it would make sense to lie to her to put her fears to rest, but utsugi refuses to speak untrue promises.

this difference in conviction is also what respectively saves and dooms them. it’s merely possible that if minoru had committed to taking action and causing change that he could have saved his friends and family at EHRI; however, it is unmistakable and undeniable that his ability to walk away is what actually saves him. utsugi similarly is capable/able of walking out, especially in 1999 when the organization is in shambles, but his intense conviction and loyalty to hajime holds him back and ultimately takes him to his ruin. 

in a game very centrally about the power of ‘will’ this feels significant and should be a good thing, but under a different lens it can also be seen as a passive role. utsugi never tries to re-assess his and hajime’s wishes and change his path to fit a more accurate dream. he never has the courage to abandon his doomed love to pursue a new one, whereas you can say that minoru does find that courage, to great success in ultimately finding his place with LDL.

part two: the one who understood me the best

while minoru and utsugi’s relationship is not free of the facades, misunderstandings, and miscommunications that color so many relationships in this series, there is a deep understanding between them. perhaps brought about by the clarity of existing as equals. 

utsugi explicitly calls out that minoru understood him the most in the end, and even as their relationship was in tatters, minoru is the only character utsugi confides in of his own free will. all other confessions of truth and struggles we get from utsugi are either done privately or inadvertently. he willingly tells seodore of his devotion to hajime, but it lacks the same desperation and vulnerability as utsugi hasn't had to kill and experiment on others yet.

utsugi’s understanding of minoru in turn is a less clear cut subject, due to the fact that minoru is more of an open book in general, and more characters know his pain. the position of understanding utsugi is a unique one, but multiple people empathize with minoru.

minoru speaks sardonically to cover up his stress and puts on a happy facade a lot of the time, but it’s still far from how deep utsugi has isolated himself. minoru at the least confides in multiple people and is more willing to confront issues directly in order to draw out a solution. 

their understanding of each other is not a perfect understanding, and this series shows well how difficult it is to achieve a perfect understanding while possessing all the natural baggage of communicating and existing. so these two inevitably misunderstand several key things about each other. their relationship is one of two people who understand each other the 'most', but this understanding still falls quite short of perfection.

utsugi himself seems to fall for minoru’s apparent happy/care-free facade, as discussed earlier. utsugi isn’t ignorant to the issues of the isoi family, considering how much he does behind the scenes to patch things up for them (getting rai to have a second kid and leave, wanting haruki to have a negative reaction are two solid ones, and there are more actions that can be debatably attributed to the same motive) but he still doesn’t think minoru understands the gravity of his and utsugi’s situations. it’s true, in a sense, that minoru has deeply false impressions of/has been withheld information of characters like hajime, utsugi, and rai. but utsugi over-emphasizes minoru’s ignorance and carefreeness, since he is seeing it in direct contrast to his own heavy burdens. 

these two only begin to approach the deep and near-perfect understanding of each other when they hit bottom together in 1999.

2a. their mutual suffering

minoru gives up any sort of facade after the events of 1999, he’s lost everything and desires nothing anymore, so there’s no need to pretend. utsugi sees this and even directly brings this change about with how cruelly and falsely he presents minoru with the trashbags (representing rai and reiji’s remains, but there was nothing in them.)

in my opinion, it can be read that utsugi’s cruelty here was a rather malicious attempt to finally bring minoru to ‘reality’ and see his oblivious facade drop (except, it wasn’t a facade to utsugi) for his own reasons. reasons of disliking seeing him smiling all the time, reasons of wanting them to share in mutual misery, reasons of wanting him to understand the full situation, any of them or multiple could work here.

the end result is the same, utsugi finally gets the satisfaction of seeing minoru taking something ‘seriously.’ and he understands that minoru too is capable of pain.

their mutual understanding is high at this point; that both of them reach rock bottom at the same time is significant. they lose the people who are most important to them at the same time, and struggle with finding their new purpose and reason to live. minoru walks away, and utsugi continues with the same path as always. the consequences of this are clearly shown when minoru finds happiness and a new family but utsugi just falls deeper into his lies and violence. 

they fight twice in 1999: the first time is with fists, the most human and least lethal force they possess. they do injure each other (utsugi leaving sanemitsu’s famous and enduring head scar here) but it is a deeply human scene: both of them ineffectually lashing out in their misery at someone who had little immediate causation of their pain.

the series has established that man-made things like guns and fists are ‘more human’ and ‘honorable’ (through jabuchi’s own ruminations on how he wanted to kill his coworkers and nina) whereas using empyrean abilities is ‘monstrous.’ minoru mentions this is the only time he sees utsugi use his fists, and that this is the most desperate and human he's ever seen utsugi. 

but that first fight is the part where utsugi brings minoru down to ‘reality’ by presenting him with the apparent remains of his wife and only surviving son, and we don’t see the full extent of utsugi’s regret and turmoil until the second fight. 

utsugi’s motives for saving, confining, and later chasing and fighting minoru in 1999 feel ambiguous, the best clues we have are a set of lines right before the conclusion of their fight. utsugi laments the state minoru has ended up in, going on to doubt his own humanity and then lament the feelings minoru left him with.

utsugi makes reference to still being human, and killing minoru while he still maintains that humanity. how i interpreted these was utsugi believing that he may lose control to the cells in the future, and wanting to kill minoru ‘as a human’ if he were to die regardless. notably, this again mirrors jabuchi’s plans, that there is honor and respect in being killed by human means. it also implies that he didn't think escape was an option for minoru, inevitably thinking he'll stay in the institute, alive or dead.

one of the most important points of the whole conflict is at the end when utsugi implies that— aside from hajime's happiness— there was one more thing he desired. he wasn't supposed to value his relationship with minoru to this extent, but he acknowledges that he did want it, even as they beat each other bloody. not even utsugi's positive feelings can stand in the way of his yearning for mutual understanding, and his cruelty towards minoru is unreserved in 1999.

to bring this back to the main point, it shows further the ill effects of misunderstanding in their relationship. minoru’s misunderstanding of utsugi’s situation sews rifts in their friendship and their ultimate split, while utsugi’s misunderstanding of minoru brings him to his lowest point in life, where even death is a preferred alternative. 

to return back and cover what minoru misunderstands with utsugi, it is another thing that is laid out quite explicitly, as it leads to their falling out. minoru never puzzled out why utsugi was so insistent in the way he treated hajime as a ‘star’ and rather took it at face value that utsugi had no ulterior motive.

in reality, it was an act utsugi put on for what he believed was hajime’s own benefit, but minoru couldn’t begin to comprehend that. his own viewpoint was that it benefits hajime to think of himself as human, and he thinks of this as an obvious conclusion. there is a fundamental disconnect in both how minoru understands utsugi’s mindset here, and also in how minoru understands and treats hajime, who he similarly doesn’t understand fully. 

the other key misunderstanding is that it is dubious if minoru figures out the reason utsugi’s attitude towards him changed. his theories include things like utsugi was jealous (partially true) or utsugi was upset at hajime’s poor state (partially true) or that utsugi liked rai romantically (wholly false).

it is my opinion that the (largest, but not only) reason utsugi distanced himself from minoru was because of the reveal of the existence of factors. he may have believed that furthering their relationship was ill-fated, as he was warned of on the phone by mari orie. he also may have lost faith in the authenticity of their friendship, as shown by his thoughts in 1999, where he panics that they only feel positively towards each other because of the effect of factors. 

minoru both knew about factors (unclear to me as to when exactly in the timeline he understands they affect reality and weren’t just something kazaru used for fiction) and that utsugi was researching them, but it seems doubtful to me that he put it together before he leaves EHRI for good. later on, he may have belatedly understood. 

2b. the understanding they reached in the end

this also is a reoccurring thought in their relationship– the belated realizations. as covered earlier, 1999 is the point where they know each other best and the last time they see each other. minoru sees utsugi’s memories by using the power of the pen, and finally understands the events that lead to this point. directly after, utsugi tells him to leave forever. things have proceeded beyond the point of intervention, and it seems that any action taken now cannot undo the massive upheaval that has already taken place. 

it’s also possibly notable that the only way minoru was able to understand utsugi totally was because of the power of the pen. he had to directly see utsugi’s memories, it was never possible for the truth to come directly from utsugi’s own mouth. this adds to the broken communication between humans, where things are easily muddled by intentions and words. only when treating utsugi as a character to be ‘read’ does minoru truly understand him. 

this ending may feel like it points to saying that the furthering of their understanding was all for nothing, but it comes back into play sixteen years later.

their relationship had long fallen into complete nothingness, and yet minoru is the one utsugi trusts with his final wish, a final happiness for a man meeting a pathetic end. their understanding of each other did nothing to save their relationship in life, but it leaves minoru as the only one who can remember utsugi closest to how he was in reality.

in turn, minoru is the key to how we, as the viewer, also get to understand utsugi beyond all his lies, acts, and facades. it’s heavily implied that minoru has a hand in constructing the narrative of the entire series, and especially of dlc, for which is named after him.

to give some more evidence to that point, the main support is drawn from the 'truth only i know' book by code:dante (sanemitsu) that is readable after completing S+ in a new game. in the book he refers to a 'record,' reminiscent of 'the records of sanemitsu isoi' (the title of dlc) where the truth is told. and he says that if there is something only he knows, that he can tell that truth through fiction.

the 'truth' we learn in dlc heavily depends on utsugi's arc. we learn new things about all the characters, but none of them were concealing their true self to the extent that utsugi was. they all had other people who understood the truth about them, and only utsugi could say that sanemitsu was the only person who ever fully understood him.

utsugi also directly asks sanemitsu to write his story as a final parting wish, and indeed the way his story is told follows that last wish. he is an evil villain in the base game, easy to condemn and forget, and this irredeemable and unsympathetic person is how he wanted to be remembered. in the forking paths scene, he says that it's alright to think of him as a villain and not acknowledge that he had human emotions too.

dlc contradicts this completely, so how can it still be said that sanemitsu honors his wish? the way i see it, there were plenty of people who played the base game but not dlc. the separation of these two stories ensures that some people will never see utsugi as sympathetic. sanemitsu couldn't stand to let the truth die with him, but he could leave enough breathing room so that utsugi's last wish would be fufilled somewhere, with someone.

part three: unintentional cruelty, emphasized by the narrative

tying into both the failed good intentions of their actions and whether their will or lack thereof affected their relationship, there are multiple interesting ways in which they are unintentionally cruel to each other within the confines of their own relationship. 

one of the strongest examples we see is that utsugi digs up minoru’s insecurities in the process of trying to help him. starting with kazaru’s suicide note, minoru has been impressed with the idea that his very existence was a mistake, and he should not have been born. utsugi pushes him away in the end, telling him the only thing he can do for utsugi is to disappear and leave.

in a way, this is a kindness as it is an escape route for minoru from the sinking ship that is EHRI. but simultaneously, it is one of the cruelest ways utsugi can show ‘goodwill.’ it compounds upon kazaru’s original idea, directly pointing to the conclusion that minoru’s very existence is what causes utsugi distress, and thus there are no possible actions minoru can take to help utsugi besides disappearing. it doesn’t feel like a positive or honorable action due to minoru also being the root of the problem when framed like this. 

the previous sections already cover how much utsugi is intentionally cruel to minoru, from specifically digging up anything he can to hurt minoru in 1999 to intentionally sabotaging their relationship without discussion. but the 'solution' that utsugi offers minoru is unique in that it doesn't seem to be aware of how much it will hurt minoru.

i’ve discussed a few times already that minoru fails utsugi in the reference room scene, but it feels particularly cruel due to the uniqueness of the situation. it’s the first and only time utsugi directly reaches out for help, possibly ever, and he has nothing to show for it. minoru’s ultimate failure to deliver in that situation only heavily reinforces to utsugi the uselessness of depending on others. 

utsugi wishes for reciprocity, that he should be able to offer value to anyone else in the way that he already desires value and affection from other people. it stems from his childhood, that children naturally want love and attention from their parents. that he didn't recieve that leads him to believe that if he is 'useful' to someone (unlike how he was useless to his family) then they might love him back. his grandpa is a key example of this, loving utsugi only because of his birthday, which made him useful to rangiri's delusions.

utsugi’s final plea to minoru in the reference room is “if you’re willing to do everything for me-,” which feels reminiscent of what utsugi has already promised hajime (to stay by his side until they both die, it is all of his life, everything.) utsugi could promise everything to a stranger in distress, and he wishes (impossibly) that minoru could do the same for him.

in a sense, the sentiment of ‘save me’ in that scene already indicates that utsugi has been previously failed by hajime. the original dialogue he shares with hajime (that he clearly remembers and references even many years later) includes the idea that hajime will save everyone, and utsugi will save hajime. since utsugi still feels he needs saving, it means hajime has not been able to deliver on his side of the previous sentiment. minoru’s avoiding and diminishing of utsugi’s worries and the title of the scene being ‘the hand i failed to take’ show minoru as also clearly failing in this respect. 

and yet, similarly to utsugi, minoru’s cruelty had good intentions. maybe there was no good way out of that situation, it certainly seems both that utsugi was unwilling to accept help and minoru unable to provide it. utsugi knows minoru can't help him, and he makes grand demands of minoru as a way of self-sabotage: he knows minoru will never be able to promise everything to him. minoru has a family, and utsugi will never be his first priority.

on another tragic note, utsugi directly pleads to minoru for a way out of his misery, but hasn’t minoru already been showing him the way out? if hajime accepted being human and wanted to live simply, there would be no need to continue the crimes and experiments. minoru influencess hajime to this direction but utsugi directly opposes it, showing how unamenable utsugi is to minoru’s ideas. the reference room situation had no easy or clean solution, and perhaps it saved utsugi some pain with an early disappointment.

the both of them are people who could've helped each other, but didn't have the proper communication skills or ability at the time they crossed paths. in their struggle to save their friendship, they only hurt one another more, itentionally or unintentionally.

the base game hides almost all of the kind side to their cruelty, they're barely even shown as friends. minoru's friendship innately humanizes utsugi, he's the only utsugi confesses to, fights with, takes out his stress and fears on, all these emotions he buries with anyone else. they're emotions that make him sympathetic and wholly human, and thus something that cannot be learned about utsugi until dlc.

minoru also repeatedly (undeservedly) forgives utsugi for his unkindness. utsugi is responsible for a lot of pain in minoru's life: surrendering haruki to experiments, pushing EHRI down a dark path, violently pushing him out of both EHRI and their own friendship, the list continues on for a long while. and while minoru does resent him at points for how much he's suffered at utsugi's hand, he never stops caring for utsugi.

he says things like he shouldn't have ever considered utsugi a friend, utsugi has gone mad, and they come to blows multiple times. but minoru always caves later, still showing concern for utsugi. after their big fight where minoru leaves EHRI, he asks hajime about utsugi's condition on a visit back. in 1999, after they'd just grievously injured one another, he still laments that utsugi never depended on him.

the way sanemitsu talks about utsugi after EHRI is not said to be happily, sanemitsu says bad things to reiji and reiji is certain sanemitsu believed utsugi hated him. but he doesn't allow roses in his house, and reiji says that sanemitsu seems lonely when discussing utsugi.

by all rights, sanemitsu should have no warm feelings left for utsugi. the way the narrative repeatedly highlights their pain underscores that, but neither of them can let the other go.

part four: genuine kindness, hidden by the narrative

with how much establishing i’ve done of only negative things: cruelty, failures, jealousy, disappointment, it’s easy to think utsugi and minoru had a relationship that was only negative. but, the narrative guides us through it in a rather complex timeline: we start with the middle and the consequences before we see the beginning and ending. 

base game shows their relationship as something fraught with arguments, leading up to their first major falling out where minoru leaves EHRI for the first time and begins to avoid utsugi. there is little shown here that evokes that they had a complicated relationship, it feels like they were simply two people who didn’t get along.

this is somewhat due to all the flashbacks being shown through hajime’s perspective, so that we only see these two as they are around hajime and only while having conversations that concern hajime. the only clues to their relationship being composed of anything beyond two-dimensional mutual animosity is that minoru expresses concern and regret in relation to utsugi in a few brief lines.

throughout dlc, this pattern repeats, and there is no great upheaval in the viewer’s understanding until minoru’s dlc episode. the episodes leading up continue to breadcrumb their true nature, with hints like sanemitsu disliking roses in his house, sanemitsu expressing that utsugi took responsibility for everything while drunk in reiji’s episode, utsugi compliments minoru in rai’s dlc, and they have a few exchanges that are more lighthearted in tone.

minoru’s dlc finally throws the curtain back entirely, where it is fully revealed that, once upon a time, they were true and proper friends. their first meeting is amicable and remarkably normal, utsugi talking to minoru about his reporting and behaving awkwardly about a compliment paid to him. in the following scenes, we see them teasing each other and talking frankly about developments in their lives. utsugi sets up several arrangements for the isoi’s marriage and seems to seriously wish them well.

it couldn’t be more normal, save for utsugi carefully keeping his distance and drawing a line between them in the form of hajime. he seems to like being around minoru, but deflects admitting any personal attachment when questioned, using hajime’s like of minoru instead. this foreshadows just how much he will put hajime above anyone else, even those he also likes, and how he has carefully sculpted his other relationships to fit within that framework in advance. 

of course, he ultimately fails in sectioning minoru out. there are a number of other characters (haruki, noa, etc.) that utsugi is kind to, but he doesn't form the same attachment to them that he does to minoru. in the end, when he's saying his goodbyes, the only people he mentions are minoru and hajime. in 1999, he mentions that minoru was the only thing he wanted in addition to hajime's life. despite his best attempts, he can never let go of his original affection for minoru.

part five: generational yaoi

one of the other biggest things revealed about the relation between minoru and utsugi in dlc is that it spanned multiple generations. the actions of their grandparents caused so many shock waves that the story now actively resists the interaction of the two families. i’ve already touched heavily on the factors of their families: they are certainly the largest reason utsugi abruptly changes, dooming the friendship between him and minoru. the series has lots of commentary on the hereditary way our family shapes us and cycles of behavior, and minoru and utsugi are no exception. 

both utsugi and minoru have intense family issues, coming to shun their family name and legacy in time. but they both carry it forward, regardless.

utsugi leaves his family’s company and doesn’t pursue pharmacy or business leadership in a strict sense, but nevertheless he is a medical researcher and executive in EHRI. ironically, he could not come into his own as a confident leader under the guidance of his family, but he grows into that confidence as he takes control of EHRI. he just needed support and passion to grow into his full potential, something he lacked when his family neglected him.

similarly, minoru breaks from the family tradition of fiction writers to be a reporter. but even then, he shows in DLC that he is preparing to write novels. it fits with his character arc, where reporters passively observe reality but writers actively create it, and he himself is starting to reclaim control and power in his own life. but still, it places him among the company of the many fiction writers of the harada line. sanemitsu also has some measure of control over the narrative and way it is told, shown by his almost certain position in system n.h.. this places his actions as remarkably similar to mutei harada’s designs on manipulating characters and creating stages. 

both minoru and utsugi are haunted by their childhoods, which build up to their issues that cause ruin in their interpersonal relationships. these are issues that are inflicted on them by their parents, utsugi’s parents reinforcing utsugi’s beliefs on isolation and self-dependency, and minoru’s parents showing him how to run away from love and regret being born. and naturally, these beliefs were likely initially formed in turn by how mutei and rangiri treated the next generation. 

they cannot escape the influence of their respective families in that fashion, and also in that they explicitly cling to it for each other. minoru is not actually ‘minoru harada’ in the series for very long, he marries rai isoi early on to become ‘minoru isoi.’ but names are a social thing, and neither hajime nor utsugi let go of the harada surname. that both utsugi and minoru address each other by family name is important, given that they both stand as friends who can use more familiar terms of address and choose not to. their relationship is undeniably shaped by their family history though, and so these names hang over them. 

their relationship is similarly cyclical, where they attempt to break out of their patterns and yet return to them in the end. minoru’s relationships are best shaped by his fear of gaining love and then losing it, thinking it better to not have loved in the first place. utsugi’s relationships are best shaped by inequality, where he is comfortable and used to loving someone more than he receives in turn. 

their relationship starts out subverting this, where utsugi is hesitant in closing the distance with minoru. thus, there is no intense love or connection to be lost, just a mundane friendship with a careful distance. minoru then quickly pushes to be closer, upsetting utsugi’s status quo where he is now not the one who loves more. the lack of anything to lose gives minoru confidence to keep arguing with and pursuing utsugi, even as their mundane friendship melts into animosity, something that should usually scare minoru off. 

but, in the end we see the relationship ultimately return to the form they are most familiar with. minoru runs away in 1999, abandoning utsugi and certainly being saddled with the painful regret of lost love. utsugi remains behind, having settled back into his typical unequal relationship. he remembers and thinks of minoru even sixteen years later, while minoru has left him for a new family. 

part six: other allusions

aside from the clear line to how they both represent their families, there's several other allusions baked into their relationship. one of the most significant being how they tie into the divine comedy.

minoru is born on the day of dante's death, and utsugi shares a birthday with the poet virgil. minoru both is and isn't dante, he fails earlier in life to fulfil to reach any kind of enlightenment (thus the death day being his birthday) but later on he becomes "code:dante." haruki is notable also representative of dante, the whole harada line having a close tie to the author.

utsugi is tied to virgil by his birth and also by his relation to both minoru and haruki. virgil is a mentor, a guide, and a friend. he is close and intimate with dante, assisting him on his journey through hell but unable to accompany him in heaven. utsugi similarly is a figment of sanemitsu's difficult past, a valued friend who cannot accompany him in the lighter, easier parts of his life.

the utsugi line isn't all associate with virgil in the same way the harada line ties to dante, noriyuki utsugi alone is the 'guide.'

their relationship is similarly foreshadowed in the similarities it holds to nina and jabuchi's relationship. there's much to say here, but to keep it basic: jabuchi and nina start out happy, jabuchi goes down a difficult path without telling nina, nina finds out the truth too late and cannot save jabuchi, but she honors and remembers him after his death. it's a clear parallel to the way sanemitsu and utsugi's relationship develops.

part seven: conclusion

overall, i think i touched on many things i wanted to say about these two, and i still have many more words… but this was already very long and confusing, i imagine. i hope you got something out of it besides thinking i’m delusional, haha. this is solely my interpretation, after all, and i think there are room for many more. 

one of the best things about the relation between utsugi and minoru to me is that it is so ambiguous. there was not merely love, and there was not merely hate, but anything in-between those black and white values can be argued. did utsugi feel more hate than love for minoru or did he feel more love than hate? who’s to say. minoru has more clear-cut regret and affection, but still mocks and curses utsugi, showing the depth to which they got under each other’s skin. 

and still, they clearly love each other. they sacrifice, remember, and pray for one another. they were friends in the very beginning, and sanemitsu is the last person utsugi ever remembers. in turn, sanemitsu never lets the wounds utsugi gave him heal. it is certainly a relationship that left them both with scars. 

[beesandfigs-abandoned]

It’s so disheartening to find out that your closest and once radically humanitarian peers have become so painfully centrist, especially when it comes down to a situation where staying neutral is detrimental.

Though I am pretty outspoken irl, I tend to avoid politics and confrontation online because I am simply just here to share art and have fun. I’ve done a deep dive about the the genocide of Palestine and I have been vocal about it with my friends and family. I am emotionally fatigued with all the information I have consumed lately, and losing irl friends over “politics” warrants me making this clear here too.

This isn’t fucking politics, it isn’t even war. It’s ethnic cleansing, it’s modern day colonization, it’s fucking genocide, it’s people’s lives. PEOPLE who sleep, dream, love, make art, kiss, laugh at stupid shit too, not “human animals”, for fucks sake. I can’t stay quiet whether it costs me friendships, mutuals, or following (regardless of how small it may be). And staying silent just to save face is detrimental as well.

So, this is me letting everyone or anyone know that this is a PRO-FREEPALESTINE blog, among other things. I do not support racism, sexism, transphobia, antisemitism, or bigotry of any kind. It’s not up for debate. You will not catch me on these comments acting a fool and arguing with anyone, I will simply block whoever’s got some fuckshit to say. Or do one better, block me please.

[thejakeslayla]

╰▸ ❝ melting ice ❞ 001 ⎯⎯ waltz jump ,, a park sunghoon written series

synopsis; you put your everything into ice skating; blood, sweat and tears. unexpectedly you're being partnered with someone you despite, your number one rival - park sunghoon. together, you must overcome your grudges, navigate your differences and find a way to convey emotion on the ice. as you face this challenge, you discover hidden depths of him, leading you to question if there's more to your connection with sunghoon than just hatred and whether you can make this unlikely partnership work, potentially reshaping your career and the dynamics between them. little do you know that sunghoon never hated you.

You'd never refer to Sunghoon as your friend. Some people might assume that you two were close, maybe even dating. But the truth was, there was a significant amount of mutual hatred and competition between you.

You had known Sunghoon for as long as you could remember; he was a constant presence in your childhood. Pretending to like him was always a struggle. Your mom had always aspired for you to become a professional ice skater, and initially, you didn't warm up to the idea. At first, you were worried about the potential for injuries and the fear of embarrassment. However, after a year or two, you gradually adjusted to these emotions and began to work on it, with your mom being your biggest support pillar.

Sunghoon consistently outperformed you, which fueled your determination to be better than him and prove that his ego surpassed his actual skills.

You can still vividly recall how he would smirk, a glint of arrogance in his eyes, as he stood atop the podium claiming first place. It was as if he entered the rink with the foreknowledge that he would crush your dreams once more.

As you grew older, the situation became even more frustrating. You kept winning individual competitions when Sunghoon wasn't in the picture, but whenever he entered a competition, he always won.

God, how it infuriated you to see Sunghoon so self-absorbed, almost to the point of being egotistical. This only proved your belief that he didn't deserve any of his trophies.

Senior year arrived, and you had to shift your focus to your studies. What made you feel a little bit better with yourself was the fact that you always outdid Sunghoon in terms of grades, at least something, right?

It didn't take long for you to realize that your feelings toward Sunghoon were unhealthy, and your approach to the competition was equally detrimental. 

You were now smoothly moving on the ice, headphones on your head. You contemplated whether it was worth changing your approach. After all, wasn't it a form of motivation? But each time you lost, it felt as if your entire being crumbled, like dropping a piece of ice and watching it shatter on the floor. You always felt as if you weren’t good enough, and even though your mom was your biggest supporter, she seemed to praise Sunghoon, saying things like, "Y/N, if you worked hard enough, you could be just like Sunghoon," or "Sunghoon executed the triple axel perfectly, why can't you do the same?"

It was emotionally exhausting and confusing, but perhaps you secretly admired Sunghoon. He made everything seem so effortless. Watching him practice, the sound of his blades scraping against the ice perfectly complemented his flawless execution of toe jumps and edge jumps, resembling the clips in an ice skating guide.

You hated how good he was – you finally realised. and maybe you could even like him if it weren't for his terrible personality. People who are both self-centered and highly skilled are truly frustrating, and Sunghoon fit that description perfectly.

Out of the corner of your eye, you detected movement and turned your head to find him. Park Sunghoon in his very much natural habitat, his hair messy, a simple hoodie and some sweatpants on. As you recognized him, you quickly averted your gaze.

Ten or fifteen minutes passed, and you and Sunghoon kept your distance on the ice. Suddenly, both your mothers entered the room, engaged in an animated conversation, standing shoulder to shoulder. Their friendship had blossomed because their kids shared a common interest and frequently competed together.

Isn't it ironic that their children couldn't stand each other?

“Y/n!” 

“Sunghoon!”

You heard them calling your names, so you adjusted your headphones around your neck and skated toward the barriers. Sunghoon did the same, arriving there faster, leaning casually against the barrier. Your mom had an uncharacteristically broad smile on her face, which left you confused. She was usually quite serious and focused when watching your practice sessions.

"We've registered you both for another competition," Sunghoon's mom declared.

Sunghoon looked at his mom, questioning her decision. "What does this have to do with her?" he asked, tilting his head toward you.

"It's a pair skating competition," you observed Sunghoon, his face mirroring your own sense of dread.

"You've known each other for years," your mom chimed in. "We've never seen you perform together on the ice."

Sunghoon interjected, "But have you ever considered there might be a reason for that? I don't want to skate with someone; I've always wanted to be a solo skater, you know this."

You understood his feelings, not everyone wanted a partner in figure skating, especially when showing emotions during a dance was crucial for scoring. No matter what you did, you knew you couldn't convincingly convey those feelings while dancing with Sunghoon.

"Hoonie, you have no choice. We've already hired a coach, and he has choreography prepared," she told him. She then turned to you. "You both know how significant this opportunity is. It's the entry competition. If we all work hard, we can go even further."

And this is where your conversation ended, Sunghoon tried to argue further, but it was pointless since his mom stood strong with her argument that they already paid the coach. As you sat in the car with your own mother, you couldn't help but feel a sense of frustration. 

How could you work with someone like Sunghoon? It wasn't just about disliking him; it seemed like he was genuinely better than you, despite you both being seniors. You searched on YouTube, watching videos of Sunghoon's skating. As you observed his only pair skating video, your focus was mainly on his dance partner. The skill, elegance, and ability to convey emotions in their performance, you couldn't match that. You could do it with anyone else, but how were you supposed to fake lovey dovey eyes towards Sunghoon?

Sighing and adjusting your headphones, you shifted your gaze to Sunghoon. You attempted to understand his style, discerning whether his moves were sharp or gentle, mixed or focused on a single style.

Little did you know, Sunghoon did the same as soon as he got home. He sat down and pulled out his phone, first venting in his friends' group chat and then clicking on the YouTube app to search for your name. He watched you, just as you watched him, his eyes fixated on your graceful movements on the ice. A loud sigh filled his room as he realized that your dance style was the complete opposite of his, and he would likely have to adapt to yours.

The next day arrived quickly, thanks to intense practice and emotional turmoil. You walked to the arena, hoping to have a moment to yourself to contemplate the situation. However, it seemed that someone had the same plan. You saw Sunghoon walking in your direction, and you met at the entrance.

Not even a ‘hi’, not even letting you enter first, what a gentleman. 

You walked shoulder to shoulder, not exchanging a word. As you arrived, you both sat down on the bench to put on your skates. Suddenly, someone stood in front of you.

"Hello, guys," a warm voice made you look up. "I'm your new coach."

You glanced at Sunghoon, who clearly looked unhappy. "I've been working with young skaters like you for years, and I'll prepare you well for your upcoming competition. I've already done some research on both of you, and it appears that Y/n has more experience in pair skating. I hope you'll show Sunghoon how it's done," the coach said.

Sunghoon couldn't help but snort at the suggestion, though it was true. He had only one previous pair competition, while you had several under your belt. You didn't bother looking at him.

"Let me show you what I've choreographed for you," the coach said, stepping back a little and passing you an iPad. "Sunghoon, please come here."

Reluctantly, Sunghoon got up and sat down next to you, his shoulder pressed against yours. You played the video.

Within the first few seconds, you could already interpret the moves; it was as the male lead was in control of the female lead, perhaps protective and supportive, depends on how people looked at it; how they wanted to look at it. Next moves and dancers are synchronised, manoeuvring on the ice perfectly, ending the step sequence holding hands. another move, the female lead arched backwards gliding on one foot, while the male lead lowers her; backward inside death spiral. they perfectly transition into another step sequence.

Your jaw dropped when you saw the throw triple loop, a jump where Sunghoon had to literally throw you into the air. Neither of you had ever attempted it before, and you could tell by Sunghoon's open-mouthed expression that it was new to him too.

"Sir, I'm not sure if we can..." Sunghoon began to voice his concerns but was quickly silenced.

"I'm here to teach you how. It amazes me that both of you are seniors and have never attempted this," the coach stated.

And so it began. The coach left you both feeling disappointed when he announced that you needed to practice the throw jump safely first. One thing you and Sunghoon had in common was your preference for the ice over a small gym with numerous mats.

You disliked the feeling of Sunghoon's hands on your hips and how surprisingly strong he was. "Try a little higher, Y/n. You also need to use your legs. Sunghoon can't do all the work. Bend them a little," the coach instructed.

Your new coach was much stricter than your previous one, or maybe it was just that you were used to the old one.

After countless attempts, you finally succeeded in landing on one foot, which was met with a resounding clap of the coach's hands. "That's it!" he exclaimed, coming closer and patting both your backs.

You smiled, glancing at Sunghoon. However, your smile waned as you observed his expression. He didn't seem pleased that you both had accomplished something. In fact, he appeared annoyed. You made a mental note not to display any emotions around him.

As the day progressed, you found yourselves confined in the same room with Sunghoon, practicing tirelessly.

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[beardedmrbean]

My job now wants to give us bathroom passes and has a hall monitor to check passes if you are allowed to go to the bathroom

I’m 27 I’m not in grade school…thinking I should quit

There's gonna be some issues with both OSHA and ADA compliance there I think, legally they can do it within reason but it can open the door to all kinds of lawsuits if they do.

Thanks to the internet and those blessed meme things, many employees live by the meme-philosophy: Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time. However, under the law, employers are legally allowed to restrict bathroom breaks, at least, within reason.

Generally, reasonable restrictions will not prohibit employees from using the restroom when the need arises. However, in production, or client facing industries, employers may require an employee to wait for a co-worker to relieve their position before taking a bathroom break. Additionally, if an employee has a medical condition that necessitates frequent bathroom breaks, employers may need to be flexible as frequent bathroom breaks is an easily achievable reasonable accommodation in nearly all situations.

Giving Bathroom Restrictions the Business

While there is no federal law that specifies the number or length of bathroom breaks an employer must provide, restricting bathroom use unreasonably can lead to lawsuits and even all-out labor disputes with picketers and media. OSHA does provide rules that require employers to provide employee restrooms, and allow employees access to those restrooms.

Generally, unreasonable restrictions on bathroom usage will be viewed as a violation of an employee's rights because it subjects employees to detrimental effects to their health, including urinary tract and bladder infections, kidney stones, and other ailments. Furthermore, depending on a company's policy, restrictions on the length of bathroom usage may also have a discriminatory impact on women, or aging individuals, who sometimes need a little extra time in the restroom.

What's Reasonable?

What is considered reasonable will vary from job to job, and likely depend on state law as well. If an employee's bathroom usage interferes with their ability to do their job, or with the production line, or client services, then the law may not protect that employee.

Alternatively, if an employee needs to use the restroom, an employer should not have a policy that denies that employee the ability to do so. Even where an employee has an essential job, such as on a production line, an employer may be required to provide prompt and temporary relief of duties for the employee.

Does an Employer Have to Pay for Bathroom Breaks?

Generally, under the Fair Labor Standards Act, short breaks between 5 to 20 minutes are considered mutually beneficial for employer and employee, and as such, should be paid. However, if the breaks extend beyond 20 minutes, an employer can refuse to pay for that time.

____________________

This will be location specific for you I think.

An employer does not have to pay you for a break during which you are completely relieved of your job duties.  Your employer can require you to stay on the business premises during your break.  Only the following breaks are required:

      Minors younger than 16 must be given a 30-minute break if they are employed five hours or more in a day.

      All employees must be allowed toilet breaks when needed.

      A union contract may require breaks and those requirements are enforced by the union.

      Certain other limited categories of workers, such as airline pilots, may be entitled to mandatory breaks under applicable regulations. Check with the appropriate regulatory agency.

_________________________

Half dozen other sites I've looked at and even the state labor website say 'when needed' so they can't restrict bathroom breaks, not unreasonably at least.

Can't give you little bathroom pass cards at the start of the week and that's as many times as you can pee or anything like that at least.